#like without fail the most devastating option

[aslongasitistold]

for the last few years I’ve been steadily working my way through ROTE, not skipping anything. I currently have about 120 pages left of Assassin’s Fate the FINAL book. I actually feel like my heart is ripping into pieces.

[a-hermit-pining]

I saw this on Twitter (i forgot the @), but it really got me thinking. What would your hc be if the boys were playing the game and you were the mc? I hc that Caleb would save every "y/n laughing compilation" he comes across, rafayel would edit y/n's face on random fish and make crack edits and from his alt account he would drop the most gorgeous fanart, and for some reason I feel like sylus would use "quality time" religiously

Hi anon, thank you for sending this in ^^

I completely agree with your takes. Here is my take to compliment yours.

Rafayel: Is the undisputed Fanart King, sketching your character from every angle, in every possible outfit. If an art contest exists, he has already submitted three entries before anyone even knew it was happening. But beyond his artistic obsession, he is also the cursed glitch hoarder. While normal people would be horrified at a headless version of you appearing in-game, Rafayel takes screenshots for exclusive content, considering it a divine blessing from the tech gods. Despite his god-tier art skills, he has zero patience for level locks that force him to wait before progressing, so instead of playing at a normal pace, he rage-quits for months, then returns to binge the game in one sleepless week. His camera roll is half fanart, half stunning in-game scenery that he edits like it’s going in an art gallery.

Xavier: Does not play games for casual enjoyment. He plays for answers. He is a speedrun menace, hitting the first dialogue option before the text box even fully loads. If he gets stuck, he immediately transforms into a lore-devouring beast, reading every spoiler possible just to figure out how to proceed. The only thing keeping him from fully losing his sanity is his refusal to buy premium currency, his pride dictates that he must grind every last diamond by sheer willpower alone. And so, he hoards gems like his soul depends on it, progresses at breakneck speed, and once he’s finished all available content, he descends into 3 AM theory rabbit holes instead of doing something sane like, you know… sleeping. He probably has a color-coded spreadsheet tracking all the route impacts.

Zayne: No one would ever suspect that the infamous, critically acclaimed AO3 writer Frozen Seal, master of soul-crushing angst and tender, breathtaking romance, is actually the stoic, overworked cardiologist Zayne. His fics have a reputation for being so emotionally devastating that readers leave essays in the comments. His update schedule? Completely dictated by his hospital shifts. His author’s notes? Usually something like "Sorry, a patient coded. Will update later." Writes the most heart-wrenching, steamy romance scenes with surgical precision, leaving readers sobbing and sweating in equal measure. Has the smut writing skills of an ace author- which are god tier. Daydreams about you constantly, except when he’s actively resuscitating someone (Even he has limits.)

Sylus: Sylus owns everything. Every premium outfit, every pose, every CG. His entire paycheck is funneled into this game, and no one will ever know the full extent of his power. If questioned about how he maxed out every possible feature, he simply smirks and says, “Skill issue.” But despite single-handedly funding the dev team, he is infuriatingly secretive about his content. His in-game gallery? Locked. His premium screenshots? Hidden. Some speculate he has developers tied up in his basement feeding him exclusive content, but according to Sylus, it’s simply the fruit of his labor. Strangely enough, despite having literally everything, he still has beef with the gacha system and will cuss out the algorithm if he doesn’t get his way.

Caleb: Is cursed with abysmal gacha luck, pulling three-star memories every single time without fail. He suffers, but at this point, he embraces the suffering like a tragic hero. His nights are spent watching crack compilations at 2 AM, laughing silently to himself like a man on the verge of losing his mind (he is this 🤏🏻close). By all accounts, he plays the game rationally until your character appears, at which point all logic is abandoned. He has every single one of Zayne’s fics bookmarked, and he doesn’t just skim he analyzes them like scholarly literature, leaving long, heartfelt comments. And, of course, in the quiet solitude of his room, a freakishly realistic body pillow of you sits on his bed. If questioned? He doesn’t even blink. "It’s a limited-edition collector’s item."

[fire-of-the-sun]

Noctis and The 'Black Moment' That Never Was

Given the recent discovery of an earlier version of a Final Fantasy XV scene featuring Noctis being imprisoned by Bahamut in Angelgard instead of the Crystal and him showing genuine fear about his destiny (here), I'm reminded of how unfortunate it is that the final game didn't explore the reaction to his fate as well as it deserved and how it could have been one of the most significant scenes in the game. In light of this new scene, I want to use it as an opportunity to address this vital plot point, how it affects Noctis' arc and the story as a whole and why what we got just didn't quite hit the mark.

THE 'BLACK MOMENT'

In typical story structure, this plot point would represent the "The Black Moment" or "The Dark Night of the Soul" among other titles. Taking place before the climax of a story, this pivotal moment is intended to feel like all hope is now lost and showcase the protagonist at their lowest and, in many cases, physically alone. To overcome this, these scenes demand that they gain new insight and understanding - essentially to realize the lesson meant to be learned that defines the thematic core of the story - to pull them out of their despair and carry them across the threshold to the final act. In the above image, you can see that this event precedes the "Road Back" which, in the case of this story, is obviously represented by Noctis returning to the world and regrouping with his allies before entering the climax to face Ardyn and fulfill his calling. Of course, everything leading to the end hinges on the 'Black Moment' beat, so let's explore how each version of this scene tried to tackle this and how they could have been improved:

SCENE COMPARISON

In the original version of the scene, Noctis is physically imprisoned in a dark and gloomy cell in Angelgard - a fitting choice that helps to highlight the tragedy of his circumstances and reflect how he feels trapped by his destiny as well as parallel Ardyn's own imprisonment. Noctis verbally lashes out at Bahamut and expresses genuine anger and fear towards the newly discovered truth of his impending demise.

"'Returned to naught'? I just... fade away? Wait - no! Lemme out of here! - Noctis

Though this missing scene does a better job portraying a stronger reaction from Noctis than the final game, it does still fail to give credible evidence to validate his decision to accept his fate beyond the player simply selecting an option to continue. As such, Noctis and the player may feel more coerced into saying 'yes' here without actually going through the time and processing necessary to truly accept it. Though I'm sure this scene doesn't fully represent the developer's initial intentions and there could have been far more to it, as it stands, it's still not enough to create a successful 'Black Moment".

"Only at the throne can the Chosen receive [the power] and only at the cost of a life: his own. The King of Kings shall be granted the power to banish the darkness, but the blood price must be paid. To cast out the Usurper and usher in Dawn's light will cost the life of the Chosen. Many sacrificed all for the King so must the King sacrifice himself for all. Now enter into Reflection, that the Light of Providence shine within." - Bahamut

In the final version of the game, the essential elements needed for this scene to work are... present to a degree but could have been greatly improved as these aspects are implied rather than explored. After being told the news of his impending death, Noctis does make a distressed expression, but he never gets to voice or process his feelings about it and the moment quickly moves away to show him being forced into slumber.

This is supposed to be a huge turning point. A gut punch to the character and audience and it deserved a stronger reaction - one more akin to the panic and anger that is showcased in the original scene. On the heels of this devastating news, discovering Ardyn's true identity and nefarious intentions and finding himself utterly alone without his friends, Noctis is understandably at his lowest and we need to feel that. Light shines brightest in the dark and the darker we allow this scene the be, the brighter hope can shine after and the more satisfying it will be.

By way of processing, we see a brief montage of footage from previous moments in the game to show Noctis reflecting on them and then he awakens 10 years later having completely worked through all of his trauma, grief and guilt and the sudden transformation naturally feels a bit jarring. Progress is assumed through the passage of time and the natural maturation that comes from age, but this simply isn't enough. There is a lot to unpack here and it deserves to be. The game can't simply rely on a time skip to produce a grudging acceptance. It needs to be a choice - one that he makes wholeheartedly and that the audience fully understands.

I will say, I do like physically seeing the power entering Noctis via the Ring of the Lucii in this version rather than implying he's powering up off-screen, but it's something he should earn after accepting his fate rather than it being forced on him without his consent. Gaining the power he needs to save the world needs to act as the reward for choosing to do so.

DIGGING DEEPER

So, what is necessary for him to grow here? What is the thing that truly awakens the inner King in Noctis and brings him out of the depths of his despair? What makes him choose to willingly sacrifice his life? Though it's an amalgam of a number of things, above all, it is love. Love for his father, love for Luna, love for his friends, love for the people he's met and the world he lives in. Love that counteracts his fear. He has to remember what and who he's doing this for. Though the cost is steep, he has to determine it's worth it to fulfill his duty and save the world.

Of course, Noctis' opinion about his calling changes throughout the story. After Luna first introduces him to the reality that he is the Chosen one as a child, he's hesitant at first, but promises he won't let her down. He has no real idea of what his task will truly be but shows enthusiasm anyway most likely because it was Luna herself who showed such belief in him. As an adult, Noctis begins to struggle with his new reality after the death of his father and shows great anxiety about the mounting responsibilities thrust upon him including his kingly duties, upcoming marriage and the growing burden of his calling. After the loss of Luna, his dedication to continue feels largely driven by immense guilt and need for revenge. In Episode Ignis, after Ignis suggests they end their quest due to suffering so much loss (and now knowing about Noctis' fate), he responds:

"Are you kidding me? That's exactly why I have to keep going - because if I give up now, their sacrifices would have been for nothing!" - Noctis

Though not wanting their sacrifices to be in vain is noble, this should not be his main driving force, especially if his desire to press forward comes from a place of pain and contrition more than anything else. He even refuses to put on the Ring - the symbol of his Kingship and destiny - which shows his lack of true commitment to what is expected of him. At this point, he still has a lot to process and understand before he can fully accept the reality of a fate he is still largely unaware of and truly let go of the fears and anxieties surrounding it.

Noctis has had little time to process his emotions on his journey thus far and the respite afforded by the 'Black Moment' now allows him the opportunity to do so. Whether through playable content that permits Noctis and the audience to tangibly explore his past and current emotions or a prolonged cutscene in either the prison or Crystal, we definitely needed to see him confront what's happened thus far - the good and the bad - and grow from it.

In the Dawn of the Future version of the story, we learn more about what Noctis was dreaming about in the Crystal which included witnessing some of the history of the world, seeing insightful pieces of the lives of characters such as Ardyn and Luna and even getting to interact with his father again. Given this was added to the book and therefore indicative of the developer's intention to feature it in Episode Noctis, I wonder if it had always been their desire to explore his time in the Crystal this way but never got the time to realize in the final game. Noctis actually getting to see and interact with the past and other significant figures would have made for a far more effective 'Black Moment' given its prolonged introspective and revelatory nature.

THE LIGHT IN THE DARKNESS

To help guide and comfort him as she always has, I believe that somehow seeing or hearing Luna's spirit again in some way during the 'Black Moment' would have been essential given her narrative purpose and provide a satisfying reference back to her dying promise to him:

"When the world falls down around you and hope is lost. When you find yourself alone amid a lightless place. Look to the distance, know that I am there and that I watch over you always." - Lunafreya

Like the moon shining in his dark prison cell in the old version - the literal light in the night sky - she is the reminder of love and hope to cling to when the darkness threatens to swallow him. This dialogue is so accurate to this scene that I feel it was foreshadowing it specifically to payoff here. Also, if they had gone with the idea of Noctis drawing his power from the moon instead of the Crystal, her presence would be even more significant here and it certainly seems like the original version in Angelgard attempted to spotlight her to a degree as the translated dialogue after he accepts his charge reveals:

"No one tells me anything. I'm always late accepting. Luna, I'm sorry. I will fulfill my duty." - Noctis (Translated by K as in Kei)

This situation creates an even deeper connection between them as, to save the world together like they were destined to do, both Noctis and Luna have to die and surrender their personal desires for a future. As in life, Noctis has to continue to follow her lead and example to become the man she always knew he could be. If she could be dutiful and walk boldly to her fate, so can he and that knowledge would be paramount in helping to encourage him to complete his journey as he remembers his promise not to let her down.

Of course, to truly accept his death, Noctis would naturally have to mourn the life he won't get to live. So many aspects of his life have been derailed already and, after the loss of his father, his home and his fiancé, he now has to face that he has no future beyond being a sacrifice. This is a reality that Luna had to face as well, which would help him better understand what she had to go through and even come to terms with her death as he comes to terms with his own. By letting go of the guilt he feels and truly recognizing that it was an inevitable and accepted part of her calling and not a product of his own mistakes, can he start to forgive himself for everything else, too.

"[...] That may be but it's my choice. If only... if only I could hear his voice once more. If we could laugh together as we did as children. If we could live out our days together as we once dreamed. [...] Forgive me, I vowed to only cry where prying eyes could not see the tears in mine. [...] No, she is no different at all. She wants exactly what they do: to be with the one she loves. But want though she may, it is not to be." - Lunafreya

In a moving flashback, we see Luna grieve the life she wanted and knew she would never have but emphasize that, despite her sorrow, it was still her choice to "throw her life away" and one that she accepted fully with humility and grace. We see her persist to the end due to her strong sense of duty and, most importantly, her love and dedication to Noctis and the people of the world which is what he must use to guide him as well.

To me, this moment feels reminiscent of the campfire scene where Noctis also tearfully voices his acceptance of his fate while allowing himself to uncharacteristically reveal the pain of it, too. Though Noctis has had a decade to process these feelings by this point and fully come to terms with them, he's still a person mourning the sudden finality of his life and the now fleeting moments he'll get to spend with his remaining loved ones. The emotional strength of this scene could act as a reflection of his initial despair as the pain becomes fresh once more but, this time, Noctis is more readily able to tame it. As he stands and looks to each of his friends in turn, reflecting on their friendship and his love for them, he allows that love to outweigh fear and grief. As we watch his tears turn into a smile, it is a perfect display of how he's grown from the 'Black Moment' and a fitting final scene to the game.

"So, I... I've made my peace. Still, knowing this is it and seeing you here, now, it's... more than I can take. Well, what can I say? You guys are the best." - Noctis

All of this emotional progress would also lead him to simply start believing in himself and his worth. He has to remember that he has the support of so many who truly have faith in his ability to fulfill his duty and it's something he needs to accept in himself, too. If they had gone with the Angelgard prison version, a place once defined by punishment would herald Noctis' liberation and, instead of succumbing to darkness like Ardyn, he found light.

METAMORPHOSIS

By reflecting on and embracing his past and remembering what drives him, Noctis would then be ready to finally accept the reality of his calling and begin his metamorphosis, both physically and emotionally, into the King of Light. The man that emerges 10 years later is wise, mature and at peace with his fate. Though the sudden change may not feel as congruent in the final game without taking the time and necessary steps to get there, there are still many moments depicting just how far Noctis has come after the time skip that leave an impact regardless. Beyond the campfire scene, another great example that comes to mind is his conversation with Ignis, showcasing that he can now look back on his life fondly and doesn't hold onto negative emotions:

"You know, looking back, it wasn't all bad. [...] And our fair share of trouble too... but I don't have any regrets. Luna and you guys brought me this far and now I'm on my own." - Noctis

We can also see how much he's grown in his final battle with Ardyn. Not only is he physically stronger, but he's also gained the mental and emotional fortitude to withstand Ardyn's denigrations regarding his efficacy as the Chosen One and his guilt about his father and Luna. Though these barbs would have hit their mark in the past, Noctis is now resistant to them as he's fully processed those emotions and no longer gives them credence. Noctis has tasted the darkness Ardyn once knew but come out of it intact due to the strength of his relationships that ushered him through it. Unlike Ardyn, he is not alone and he fights for love instead of revenge and that is why he succeeds.

"Yet when your father died, you were off playing with your friends! When your beloved died, you lay watching powerless to stop it! You think 10 years is a long time? It is nothing to me! I have lived in darkness for ages!" - Ardyn

Despite what some might think, defeating Ardyn in the physical world is not the Climax. It's in the throne room that Noctis must face the true test of his calling and finally allow himself to be sacrificed. This is where the themes and the lessons he's embraced from the 'Black Moment' rise to the forefront and lead to Ardyn's ultimate demise. It is here that Noctis walks to his death without visible fear, summoning his own executioners with steeled resolve. There are no tears. No second thoughts. Just an unwavering determination to fulfill his calling and save the world once and for all as he assures his father to trust in his ability to do so.

"I'm home. I walked tall and though it took me a while, I'm ready now. I love you all. Luna, guys, dad. The time we had together, I cherish." - Noctis

Through dialogue, the scene reminds us that Noctis' relationships are his driving force and, in what could have been an even more moving parallel to the 'Black Moment', the flashback footage of his loved ones that he remembers at his lowest once more is what helps him endure the agony of his sacrifice and is enough to sustain his strength to continue to the end.

"It's finally over." - Noctis

As Noctis utters these final words at the culmination of years spent in turmoil facing the obstacles of his unjust fate, Noctis dies with a small smile on his face, relieved that his struggles are finally over. He has restored light and hope to the world, fulfilled his calling and can now rest with his lost love knowing he succeeded in safeguarding his remaining loved ones and provided a future for generations to come. It's a bittersweet conclusion to his life - one filled with great strife and heartache but also great love - love that was essential to save the world.

In another parallel between them, Noctis' end reminds me of Ravus' words regarding the death of his sister, Luna, in Episode Ignis and further showcases how much Noctis succeeded in following her footsteps:

"I always knew that [Luna] would face [her] fate without fear, fulfill [her] duty without regret. But part of me always hoped... she would get the chance to live and love as she pleased. [...] And, as in life, I know she will confront that challenge with a smile on her face." - Ravus

CONCLUSION

In conclusion, allowing Noctis to have a stronger reaction to the devastating news of his fate and exploring his passage to acceptance to provide necessary character growth would have been a huge improvement and further embodied and enhanced the heart of this story, one that, though touched upon to a degree, is lacking the immense impact it could have had. Though this game is full of powerful, moving moments, a more successful 'Black Moment' could have been one of the strongest and added more weight to an already emotionally resonant conclusion.

Thanks for reading! If you enjoyed this meta, please like and reblog to help spread it around and check out my #ffmeta and #ffedit tag for more!

[teencopandthesourwolf]

“Why did you ask me that?”

“Huh? What's that, big guy?” Stiles mumbles, answering the query with one of his own without looking away from Derek's laptop screen. The laptop Derek kind of bought for Stiles for when Stiles is at the loft.

Whatever. 

There's a ballpoint pen shoved in the kid's mouth—God, that mouth—and another slid behind an ear, the latter ready and waiting for Stiles to click to death in the In Between Typing Times.

The others dispersed a couple of minutes ago. Apart from Derek and Stiles, only Lydia and Deaton now remain at the loft and they're deep in conversation about the preliminary theory of who or what is killing the humans of Beacon Hills this week, and are standing at the opposite side of the open-plan space, making more coffee. Scott and Malia left to rally the other ʼwolves—not answering their phones as they're at a cinema screening—plus find and talk to Argent to arrange a pack meeting proper about the situation, so they can all work on devising a plan. Granted, there is Peter to consider—who's probably still lurking somewhere, what with lurking being one of his favourite pastimes, and can obviously hear any and all conversations that are, or could be happening inside of the building. Sadly, Derek has never been able to hide much of anything from his uncle though, so.

He thinks about elaborating on the question he asked Stiles, but can't.

He tries not to stare at Stiles, and fails.

Stiles is squinting at the screen with intent and looking like he has forgotten that Derek said anything at all. Or that Derek is still hovering close by. Or that Derek, you know, exists.

Derek is just standing there, all difficult and awkward in his own fucking home and his own fucking body, looming over Stiles like a creeper as Stiles taps away furiously at the keyboard and violently zig-zags a fingertip across the mousepad like an actual lunatic.

Derek almost laughs at that.

The Boy Who Runs With Wolves.

“Why wouldn't I?” Stiles now asks, still mumbling around the chewed ballpoint Derek is trying not to be jealous of. 

“I—what?” Derek's caught off guard; always and only by Stiles. 

Stiles doesn't skip a beat, unlike Derek's heart. “Why wouldn't I ask?” he adds.

Oh, right.

“I, uh, I don't... ” Derek trails off pathetically, swallowing any confidence he had previously mustered and looking away from Stiles, even though those big, brown devastating eyes aren't actually looking at Derek because they are, of course, still zoomed-in on whichever web page is currently yielding the most information.

Dusk is quickly closing in and all around them and the light filtering through the loft's huge window has begun to dim somewhat, so that the glow of the computer screen is now filling Stiles' eyes with bright, dancing sparks and arrhythmic shapes as they flicker like lightning from one tab to another, then another, then another. And as mesmerising as it is to watch—Stiles looking as though he is brimming with magic—the sight becomes too much for Derek, and looking away feels like his only option.

It doesn't last.

Stiles' long, large-knuckled fingers still their rapid movement just as Derek's eyes find their way back.

Derek watches the kid some more, like a lifeline.

An anchor.

Then, Stiles is taking the pen from those perfect lips as sneaker-toes slowly spin the swivel chair around, so that Stiles is now facing Derek where he stands with arms crossed reactively over his chest.

His heart.

“I asked if you were alright because I wanted to know if you were okay, man," Stiles divulges, as if that's nothing at all. As if it's something Derek hears often. He tilts his head to catch Derek's eye, which works, of course, because it always works, no matter the nature of the moment they're caught up in. "Like, I was concerned, y`know?” 

Derek feels guilty just for looking. And not only because he wants to touch but because he wants to let Stiles care.

“I care, dude,” Stiles says on cue and Derek tries to self-implode while Stiles waits, probably for Derek to look at him and say don't call me dude and hoping not to have his head bitten off or his throat ripped out. 

Derek does look again, just not for long. Barely a glance. He can't afford himself too much Stiles, not when Stiles is looking directly back at him. It's safer that way—self-preservation and all.

“You do know that, right?” Stiles tries again. “That I care.” 

Derek wants to ask Stiles if they can talk, if Derek can tell Stiles things. Derek wants to ask Stiles if he'll stay, and if he'll let Derek spill his secrets, let him tell Stiles everything, like Derek never does with anyone these days, and if Stiles will hold Derek's hand when Derek cries about it, like Derek doesn’t allow himself to anymore. Derek wants to ask Stiles if Derek can touch him and hold him and if Stiles would hold him back, if Stiles would ever want that, if Stiles could ever be his.

“Don't call me dude,” is what he actually says because he can't not. But then he steals himself, head staticky and heart thumping as he dares himself to add—after what is undeniably too-long a pause—“And yeah. Maybe I do.” 

Then they just look at each other.

Just—look.

Look and look and look and look.

They each keep looking at the other, for a very long time. Definitely too long for two people supposedly not much more than acquaintances. Allies, maybe. Comrades at tenuous best.

Then they look for longer. Look for more. Look until it starts to feel as if they are the only two people in the room, in the building, in the world.

Whatever happened to self-preservation?

Something is starting to happen, and Derek is pretty sure it's not just happening to him, and he finds he is equally stunned as he is thrilled as he is completely fucking terrified about it. 

Eventually, Stiles says, “Derek, we're friends.”

Then he's licking his lips and looking Derek up and down, shameless, adding—with a nonchalant shrug of one shoulder—“Till we're not.”

The latter part is spoken like a secret, but one without the slightest hint of malice. That's not how he means it. It's more promise than threat, if Derek is remembering correctly what genuine affirmations sound like.

The sparks from Stiles' eyes are then flashing blue in Derek's and Derek could swear he hears every every one of his neurons firing inside of himself, all at once, as each of his mutated cells flare into overdrive; nail beds and gums tingling, the short hairs on the back of his neck and arms and hands standing up on end.

He feels utterly alive.

It's honestly a struggle not to keen and whine like a pup, and Derek has truly never been more happy of the fact that Stiles is unable to scent chemo-signals because Derek would be so fucked right now.

He has a reply for Stiles but it's caught in his throat, the sentence forming then solidifying, fast as a quick-drying glue.

Derek is just—standing there. Statuesque. Alternating between trying to swallow his words down and attempting to speak them, like a first class dipshit. Just looking and looking and looking at Stiles.

In an entirely mortifying turn of events, it is actually the sound of Peter's low, mocking chuckle from some tucked-away shadowy place in the loft that is the thing that forces Derek unstuck, and it takes all Derek has to not roll his eyes to the back of his skull and growl out I'm going to kill you again now, Uncle. 

He takes a breath, un-clenches his fists and tries for a smile—or at least a hint of one. He doesn't want to freak the kid out.

Derek then manages to repeat Stiles's words back at him, no more than a whisper.

“Till we're not.”

Stiles is just looking and looking and looking at Derek, before he's asking, “Can I stay for the evening? You can talk to me while I research. I always work better with noise. It'll be soothing,” like he's ordering pizza instead of answering all of Derek's prayers.

Derek notes how the kid's usually erratic eye-contact is weirdly as unwavering as his usually erratic heartbeat, which is now weirdly steady as a metronome.

That's a lot of weird. 

Derek fights the urge to bite into his lip with his fangs. He wants to draw blood, and to taste it.

He embarrassingly feels his eye twitch and his breath hitch as he dares himself to do this. 

He sputters, “What do you want me to talk about?”

Stiles slowly swivels back towards the light of the laptop—ethereal milky skin and dark moles once again luminous in its white-blue glow—at the very same time as the evening's first moonshine peeks through clouds and seeps in through the loft's huge skylight.

Derek is memorised. 

Stiles starts annoyingly clicking away at the Clicking Pen, while shoving the other back between those beautiful lips of his, now mumbling his words around the thing once more and speaking them as if they are the most obvious thing in the universe.

“Everything, Der.”

.

for @poebin for asking <3 (unedited, soz)

[double--blind]

(SPOILERS) Ashley, self-esteem, and starvation

So, I adore Ashley. She's this intensely toxic, vicious, cruel, manipulative girl, and her psychology gives me hella brainworms. Andrew's not the only one whose head I wanna crack open and root around lol. She's thrown away the world just to keep her brother by her side, and she'll continue to do worse and worse for the same reason. She's pretty awful! I've been thinking about why, though. How did things get so bad? How did her soul get so dark?

We don't know everything (I'm waiting for those new eps patiently aND CLAWING AT THE WALLS AND FROTHING AT THE MOUTH but whatevs y'know whatevs I'm normal. I'm fine), yet what information we have been given is bumping around my brain like a DVD screensaver on hyperdrive

It's clear from the start that the roots of Ashley's issues lie in her horrible, neglectful upbringing, but it's hinted that even those outside of her family felt the same abt her. I'm lowkey even betting we'll learn later on that she was ostracized by her peers somehow. However, what's most disconcerting, I believe, is how little she was when the results of this alienation are first made apparent to us (bc kids aren't dumb; they notice this stuff oftentimes instinctively, impossibly young, before they even know what it means to be hated), and how devastating the consequences were.

(There's something decidedly childish abt her dream sequence in the "questionable" route—filled with crayon scribbles and rabbit plushies, the metaphors simplistic yet profound—which really hammers in how these sentiments are things that have made a home in her since childhood. Formative subconscious truths.)

Growing up unloved and noticeably unwanted by virtually everyone around her likely left her with a gaping hole in her heart that she'd spend the rest of her life trying to fill. She'd make friends, but she'd always worry that they'd leave her, that they'd betray her, nothing tangible or weighted enough in their connection to trust in its persistence. Why should she expect otherwise? Not even being bound by familial ties ensures affection if her parents are any indication.

Every lesson she'd ever learned had always taught her this: you are easy to abandon. You cannot love and be loved by virtue of your own worth.

You have to rip their affection from their clenched hands if you want it so bad.

This understanding carries with it an undercurrent of degradation, instilling within Ashley a constant, biting inferiority complex which will never fail to be a source of insecurity. She will always be put last. She was difficult to raise, so her parents gave up on raising her. She was difficult to get along with, so her friends gave up on getting along with her.

It's an odd cycle. She's difficult bc she needs to be to get attention, but bc she's difficult, she can't keep it. Not without having whatever fondness she's managed to cultivate within someone fray at the seams, volatile and prone to collapse, bleeding toxicity.

Hence, her relationship w/Andrew.

By being the only reliable constant in her life, caring for her and keeping her company, Andrew essentially became her only source of happiness, and she's since learned not to bother with anyone else. Still, it's dangerous to keep all your eggs in one basket; since he is all she has, she must protect her place in his life with even greater ferocity, which becomes a torturous ordeal when coupled with her damaged self-esteem.

It's apparent in her quarrels with Andrew that she needs constant reassurance that she is wanted in some capacity or perceived in some positive light (getting pouty when Andrew says he's "stuck with her", needing to hear that she's pretty, needing him to "choose her", wanting him to say he loves her back, etc. etc.), yet her insecurity remains, bc unlike her, he's got options. She doesn't think he needs her like she needs him. He's got a gf, their parents love him, her friends love him. Why would he settle for her? What if someone better comes along? Someone she can't scare away?

Wouldn't he just leave her like everyone else?

Even before getting locked in the coffin of their apartment, starvation's been a constant theme in Ashley's life. She's constantly aching for love, and Andrew's the only one who can feed her. When you're forced to fight for a bite to eat or suffer every moment you hunger, you become ravenous—covetous—when faced with food; you don't want the hunger to return, so you lock down the source of your sustenance, wary of its retreat. Ashley's in a permanent state of intense insecurity, always anxious that the love that gives her life will leave her.

Andrew knows Ashley better than anyone else in the world, and it's obvs to everyone and him how desperate Ashley is for him, but I don’t think Andrew has truly, consciously processed the depth of that desperation. It's there buried in his head somewhere no doubt, but rn, he doesn't operate w/the direct awareness that he is everything. He is brother, mother, friend, and soulmate. He is life and love, air and water, everything that is good in the world—everything that there is to justify existence.

It's heartbreaking, in a way, that it's so difficult for Andrew to convince her of his loyalty. This goes further than his tendency to hide his true feelings, bc when push comes to shove, he's at her beck and call. Objectively, he's hers. She doesn't see that bc all she sees is all the ways she can lose him.

So, she gets bratty. She gets pushy, possessive, territorial. Manipulative. Gets under his skin, guilts him to exhaustion, bc she can't see him staying any other way, bc he doesn't get it, bc it works. He bends to her will, for her sake. For now. It's always "for now", bc he'll start slipping away again, and then it'll get worse. She does worse.

Becomes worse.

[lastoneout]

No but fr we should talk more about how TotK Zelda probably could have learned to use her time powers to fix things without having to turn into a dragon, like all on her own she was able to transport a whole item across 10,000 years which is crazy impressive, but due to Gannon she was thrust into a situation exactly like the one she started in before BotW only worse, and that's probably why the dragon option seemed better.

The only person who could have helped her unlock an incredible power(a figure not dissimilar to her mother) was dead and on top of that Raru(someone who probably felt more like a father to her than her actual father) was ALSO gone and unable to offer her whatever support or guidance he could. She was alone at the end of the world knowing she was the only one who could stop it, and so of fucking COURSE she chose the tangible option even though it would DESTROY her forever rather than spend days, weeks, years, her whole entire lifespan trying and possibly failing to figure out her time power. Not just because she knew the dragon plan had a higher likelihood of success, but because she could not bear to go back to the hell of knowing so many lives depend on her magically discovering how to use her gift without help or any hint that it might actually work.

Zelda chose to sacrifice herself because it would work, but also because like most people who've been through trauma, the very idea of going back was unthinkable. Staying and figuring it out might have worked, but it would have emotionally destroyed her, and physical destruction that will work is, to her, the better option. It's such a profoundly devastating part of the story because her choice makes perfect sense. It's exactly what a traumatized person who's entirely separated from everyone she holds dear and crumbling under the weight of countless lives on her shoulders would choose.

Like ough BotW/TotK Zelda is EVERYTHING I could talk about her forever. The flawed female character of all time. No notes. I wish she hadn't been damseled again but like god this story is going to make me insane forever(high priase) and we got EoW so I'm not gonna complain. God I love her so much.

[hadiljamil]

Updated:

Thank You for Your Support

I want to express my heartfelt gratitude to everyone who has supported me, whether through donations, sharing my story, or keeping me in your prayers. Your support gives me hope and strength during these challenging times.

Unfortunately, my situation has continued to worsen despite my constant efforts to find alternative solutions without relying on donations or assistance. I have done everything I can to stand on my own, but sadly, all my attempts have failed.

Recently, I enrolled in a Master’s program in Dermatology at Al-Azhar University in Egypt. Initially, I was informed that scholarships were available for Palestinian students. However, I soon discovered that I did not qualify for any such financial support. When I inquired about the tuition fees, I was told the total cost would be around $5,000 for the entire program. I believed I could manage this amount over time without asking for help.

But in October, I was shocked to learn that the tuition fees had been increased significantly, reaching $3,000 annually. This unexpected news left me devastated and uncertain about how I could continue my studies. I am now in a difficult position, unsure of how to secure this amount or how to move forward with my education.

In the meantime, I have tried my best to find work here in Egypt to support myself and cover my expenses. However, the job market is extremely challenging, with most opportunities requiring specialized training. To improve my chances, I took a course to gain the necessary skills. Despite this, the only job I could find allows me to work just two days a week, with a monthly salary of no more than $25, which barely covers my basic needs.

I have exhausted all my options, and the situation continues to worsen. If anyone wishes to contact me or requires proof of my circumstances, I am more than willing to provide all the necessary documents and evidence.

Please, I ask for your understanding and support during this difficult time. Your help can make a significant difference in helping me move forward and achieve my dream.

Thank you so much for everything, and I hope you will continue to support me as you have always done.

[pradnyesh1008]

Embark on a journey to the heart of Veridonia, an empire shrouded in tradition and mystique. The Golden Throne stands as the symbol of power, yet beneath its gilded exterior lies a realm of political intricacies and hidden secrets, waiting to be unveiled. In a world where politics, intrigue, and war are the norm, you must navigate your way through the complex web of alliances and enemies that surround you. This game is for those who love adventure, drama, and intrigue. It is a game where every decision matters and every outcome are different. It is a game where you can shape the fate of an empire and make history.

“Dive into the epic world of ‘The Golden Throne’ with its first book, ‘Crown of Conquest’. A journey you won’t forget!”

In the vast continent of Veridonia, a great empire stands on the brink of uncertainty. Emperor Varian III, the revered ruler who has led his empire with wisdom and strength for decades, finds himself facing a devastating reality.

As his health deteriorates, the absence of a suitable heir threatens to plunge the entire continent into chaos and ignite a destructive war between the kingdoms. Now, facing his own mortality, the emperor grapples with the realization that his thriving nation could crumble without a clear successor.

News of the Emperor’s failing health spreads like wildfire, reigniting ancient rivalries. The various kingdoms, each vying for power and control, sense an opportunity to assert their authority. Fear murmurs within the hearts of the people, and trepidation blankets the land.

Whispers of an impending civil war pervade the corridors of power, and tension begins to mount as rival factions strategize and secretly forge alliances in anticipation of the emperor’s demise. Drawing upon an elite advisory council, composed of trusted ministers, scholars, and military strategists, the emperor endeavours to explore all possible avenues to secure a peaceful transition of power.

Noble houses assert their claims to the throne, while whispers of treachery and deceit echo through the corridors of the imperial palace. A sense of urgency fills the air, as the emperor’s condition deteriorates, and time becomes the most precious commodity.

As the final days of the asserting claims and authority draw near, a solution begins to emerge from the chaos. King Aric, the king in the north, your/MC’s father, emerged victorious, chosen as the heir to the Golden Throne. In this epic tale of power, loyalty, and betrayal, will you succeed in helping your father preserving the legacy of his predecessor, or will Veridonia descend into a dark age of war and destruction? Are you ready to claim your destiny? Will you follow your father’s footsteps and become a worthy successor to the throne? Or will you carve your own path and challenge the established order? The fate of a continent hangs in the balance, and only time will tell. This is the thrilling saga of “Crown of Conquest”.

 A rich and immersive setting inspired by real medieval history, culture, and geography.

 A branching storyline with multiple endings and consequences based on your choices and actions.

 A customizable character with four different personality options and various traits that define your skills and abilities.

 A dynamic stat system that reflects your character’s growth and development throughout the game.

 A diverse cast of characters with their own backgrounds, motivations, and agendas.

 You can befriend, romance, or antagonize them depending on your choices.

 Violence and Gore: The game frequently depicts gory, brutal battles and graphic acts of violence.

 Frightening/Intense Scenes: There are many intense scenes that can be frightening for some readers.

 Graphic Deaths: Characters often meet violent, graphic ends.

 Torture Scenes: There are scenes depicting torture.

 Sexual Content: There will be many scenes with sexual acts.

 Dark Humor: The game contains dark humor, which may be unsettling or offensive to some viewers.

 Sadistic Behavior: Some characters exhibit sadistic behavior which can be disturbing.

 Substance Abuse: Characters are shown consuming alcohol excessively.

Demo:

Forum:

https://forum.choiceofgames.com/t/wip-the-golden-throne-60k-words/142838/59

RO's

Male RO's

Female RO's

[biblomaniac]

Kara and Lena have never had a typical friendship. Anyone who knows them will attest to this.

For Kara, she always felt this pull; this need to be around the Luthor, even when every single one of her friends and family were against it. Yet, she felt seen with Lena. Understood in a way that she never had before. To give that up… it would be a heartbreak of the highest degree. This is why Kara fought so hard, so recklessly to save Lena time and time again. Even at odds, Kara could never truly give up on the brunette, try as she might.

Lena, however, tried to keep her distance in the beginning. She had come to National City for a new start for her company, to fix the devastation Lex had left in his wake. She’d been let down, betrayed so many times. Building a wall around her heart was her only option, the only way to get through her days as a social pariah. But Kara. She was persistent, warm in a way Lena had never known. Kara didn’t break through her walls. She searched for entrances; little hidden doorways into Lena’s battered heart.

Lena clung to her warmth, her earnestness, like a moth to a flame. The love she felt so intensely, so deeply entrenched in her soul, gave way to immeasurable anger when the secret was revealed. Even at her lowest, the hate she felt for the blonde was only the other side of a double edged sword.

After the rift, the fighting, the apologies, and the awkward period where neither woman truly knew how to act around the other, the ladies were better than ever, for the most part.

Kara was over the moon; overjoyed they could build their relationship to be stronger than before. It seemed that without the weight of secrets and regret, they could be wholly themselves.

The best part, though, is how affectionate they could be now. Kara was always more affectionate, hugging and touching and the like. Not everyone appreciated it all the time, but since making up, Lena had been more than comfortable with it. In fact, it seemed she was enthusiastic to give as much as she got.

A hand hold here, a hug there, even the occasional kiss on the cheek which inevitably left Kara blushing. Where there was once distance between them, mentally, there was now a close physical proximity that never failed to make Kara’s head spin.

Read the rest on AO3 ❤️

[lgbtlunaverse]

I don't think we talk about xiyao exes to lovers enough. I understand that in canon the "breakup" ended with death and imo it was never going to end any other way (I have a lot of feelings about how jgy is doomed from the start) but even in aus where survival is an option I barely ever see their full potential realized. The fact that there is this heartbreaking gap that is between them now, and yet that, despite it all, they can't stop loving each other. When you have drama this good, why is the conflict relegated to outside threats and we end up with little to no exploration of internal strife, of the fact that these guys have been living a domestic lie for a decade (I cannot stress this enough, the amount of parralels between xiyao and jgy's marriage to qin su are staggering.)

And let me be clear I will NEVER begrudge anyone their hurt/comfort and wanting their faves who are denied happiness and peace at every turn to find it. god knows I need that sometimes. Or even the less healthy but so emotionally devastating fics where the caring isn't good, and it doesn't fix anything- might only make things worse, actually- and xichen ends up recreating his father's fate. I love all of those things. But. Man. This divorce was over 11 years in the making it should take AT LEAST that long to resolve. What do you do when the person you trusted the most lied to you for years? What do you do when the only person who's ever believed in you loses that faith so completely they'd hurt you over a lie without hesitation? I need me some xiyao who try to get over each other for 20 years and fail. I need them to meet after not seeing each other for years and have it hurt like no time has passed at all. I need arguments where no one raises their voice but that feel like a screaming match anyway. Do you see my vision?? Do you see what we could have?

(if fics that do exacly this are out there, recs are of course welcome)

[autisticadvocacy]

ASAN is deeply troubled by reports made by The Washington Post this Tuesday that the CDC is planning to change its COVID-19 isolation guidelines. ASAN condemns the potential new guidelines, which would remove the five-day isolation period currently recommended after a positive test for COVID-19. Instead, people with a positive test result would not need to isolate if they have been fever-free for at least 24 hours without the aid of medication. 

ASAN has spoken repeatedly on the failures of the US government to respond adequately to COVID-19. Despite the ongoing pandemic, the end of the public health emergency and subsequent Medicaid unwinding have been devastating to the disability community and other marginalized communities. Efforts to encourage adherence to masking guidance and improve indoor air quality have been underwhelming. Through their actions, the CDC and US Government as a whole have indicated the strategy to combat COVID-19 is seemingly a vaccine-only response, but, with adult uptake of the latest bivalent booster being only 21.9%, even these efforts are beyond inadequate. 

This change is particularly alarming given who is likely to be among the most impacted. Changing the isolation window disproportionately exposes and affects vulnerable populations such as disabled and immunocompromised people, older adults, and other high-risk groups. These guidelines would increase COVID-19 exposure and make people at high risk of poor outcomes from COVID-19 less safe in a range of public and private spaces. 

Asymptomatic spread remains a serious concern with the latest variants. Reduced access to at-home and PCR testing since the end of the public health emergency contributes to transmission. Removing the isolation window adds increased pressure to return to school and work while potentially infectious. This will disproportionately affect individuals with hourly jobs that must be performed in person and families with children that are lower-income and families of color, as many communities aggressively enforce truancy laws against these households. Counting on the availability of treatments like Paxlovid as a mitigation strategy is highly inequitable as racial and ethnic disparities in outpatient treatment of COVID-19 remain prevalent. An approach to COVID-19 that accepts widespread and repeated infection leaves the most vulnerable among us unprotected. As we have seen throughout the pandemic, it has also led to the emergence of new variants, putting our communities at additional risk. Each repeated infection increases an individual’s likelihood of developing Long COVID, a potentially lifelong disability with limited treatment options. 

The CDC has continually failed to take into account disabled people when making COVID-19 policies and regulations. The CDC is moving in the wrong direction by reducing COVID-19 isolation periods. Instead, it should release improved guidelines to promote masking and increase availability, accessibility, and understanding of vaccines, testing, and treatment. States and the federal government also must address the continued effects of the pandemic and the end of the public health emergency on health care access and home and community based services, make investments in improving indoor air quality and preventing and treating Long COVID, and address the economic and human impacts of this crisis. ASAN condemns the possible shortening of isolation guidelines and will continue to hold the federal government accountable for protecting the public from the ongoing risk of COVID-19.

[nikoniclove]

Hi, I hope this message finds you well. I wanted to share a bit about where I am currently, along with a few requests for stories.

Lately, I’ve been feeling incredibly isolated. While I have friends, I often struggle to feel like any of them truly care about me. There are times when I just wish someone would reach out, ask if I’m okay, or offer some kind of comfort without me having to ask for it. 

It feels like I have been silently drowning, hoping someone will notice, even when I can’t find the words to say it. I’ve been going through many personal struggles, yet it seems like no one can see past the facade of being okay that I put on everyday—not even my family. I’m not great at expressing my emotions, and I’ve kept everything bottled up for most of my life. I cry a lot, but always in private. It feels like I’ve been emotionally overlooked for as long as I can remember, which is why your stories mean so much to me. The trio’s care for one another provides a sense of emotional connection that I often feel is missing from my life. It’s a rare comfort, and I find solace in their bond.

I appreciate how you weave song lyrics into your stories. For years, I’ve kept a journal where I write down my favorite song lyrics, as they often express emotions I struggle to articulate. I keep a collection of my favorite quotes from Criminal Minds, as they reflect my ongoing quest to better understand both myself and the world. Here are some of my favorites:

Reid: “The question that sometimes drives me hazy: Am I or the others crazy?”

Reid: “Men are not prisoners of fate, but only prisoners of their own minds.”

Hotch: “Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside of us while we live.”

Rossi: “Illusion is needed to disguise the emptiness within.”

I tend to be a deep thinker, sometimes to the point where it feels unsettling. No one around me seems to share my way of thinking, and I find myself enjoying time alone, contemplating life’s complexities. I am constantly lost in thought, carrying the weight of the world inside my head. While I am not suicidal, I do sometimes wish I could escape from it all. I think that’s part of the reason I spend so much time lost in the solitude of my own mind. The idea of escaping the overwhelming noise is comforting, even if I know it’s not an option. I truly believe that nothing is more devastating than the death of an illusion; it’s often these illusions that help us stay sane and give us something to hold onto.

I’ve worked hard to create a life that looks good on paper. I’m a dedicated student with a 4.0 GPA, and I’m in excellent physical shape. I’m generally liked by most people, and I’m often told I have a good life. But despite all of this, I still feel this deep emptiness inside. It’s as though no matter what I achieve, it doesn’t fill the void. It’s hard to make sense of the outward success and how I feel on the inside.

And then there’s the guilt I feel for thinking this way. I know I have so much to be grateful for—a good life, supportive friends, and opportunities others might not have. But despite all that, I still feel this deep emptiness. It’s hard to make sense of these feelings, and I often feel like I’m failing to appreciate what I have because I can’t escape this darkness inside.

Sometimes, I can’t help but feel small and insignificant in the grand scheme of the world. It’s as if, no matter how much I do or accomplish, I’m just a fleeting speck in a vast, uncaring universe. The weight of that realization can be overwhelming, making me question my purpose and reason to live. The emptiness inside sometimes feels even more intense in the face of such insignificance.

There’s also a part of me that scares me—this tendency I have to always find flaws in people, to the point where I struggle to look past them. I often wonder if I expect too much from others, or if it’s because I have such a deep need for connection and understanding. No one ever seems to meet those expectations, and I feel like I’m constantly pushing people away without even meaning to. I also feel like no one has ever really known me, or at least, no one understands the depth of who I am. I’m not sure anyone ever could.

Your stories, while comforting, sometimes make me sad because I fear I’ll never find someone who loves me the way JJ and Emily love Ace. There are times when I don’t feel lovable at all, and I’m scared of how much I enjoy staying confined to my own mind.

Sometimes, it feels like I’m so numb that I’m simultaneously feeling too much and not enough at the same time. The emotions are overwhelming, yet distant, and I can’t quite connect to them. It’s as if I’m constantly on the edge of something, but never fully experiencing it. I feel deeply, but it doesn’t seem to reach me in a way that makes sense or brings any comfort. The numbness makes everything confusing, as if I’m trapped between extremes, unable to escape the chaos in my mind.

Now, as for my requests:

Request 1: A man attempts to physically force themselves on Ace (Ace freezes in the moment), and Emily and JJ eventually step in to protect her, kicking the man’s ass. The negative, non-consensual touch causes Ace to suddenly remember everything that happened to her in Qatar (vivid flashbacks). Overwhelmed by the memories, she isolates herself from JJ and Emily, becoming fearful of their touch due to the trauma of the past. The trio has to rebuild their trust from the ground up, with Ace struggling through numerous panic attacks and safewording out of certain situations, as she grapples with her fear of touch.

Request 2: Ace reaches the lowest point in her mental health and decides to end her life. She leaves a note for JJ and Emily and attempts to carry out her plan. However, she decides to answer JJ and Emily’s call, and they talk her down from a bridge, giving her a reason to live and convincing her to keep fighting. The rest of the story follows the aftermath as the three of them sort through their feelings.

Request 3: Ace believes she is unlovable and ends her relationship with the trio (towards the beginning/middle of their relationship), telling them that she feels their relationship is no longer working as a mask for her true feelings. Emily and JJ desperately try to win her back, but Ace continues to push them away until she has a breakdown.

Request 4: Instead of Emily faking her death, Ace is forced to fake her own death to save the rest of the team. Emily and JJ believe Ace is dead and must learn to live without her. Ace returns months later to find the duo struggling with their grief.

Request 5: Emily makes a mistake that causes a fight between her and Ace. Emily must work hard to repair their relationship and rebuild their connection.

Note: I would particularly love to see more of the emotional bond between Emily and Ace. While JJ often supports Ace’s mental health, I’d love to see Emily play a more prominent role in helping Ace through her struggles.

I apologize for the long ramble, but it felt good to finally express how I’m feeling. I would really appreciate it if you considered writing these stories. Also, thank you for always approaching topics with such care and kindness. The compassion I feel through your writing makes me feel heard and less alone. I wish you the best.

Thank you for listening.

First of all, hi. I’m happy to listen. No judgement here. My DMs are always open too by the way.

A lot of what you’re describing sounds like passive suicidality. Been there, done that, so once again, DMs are open if you want someone to listen.

It would be remiss of me to not recommend therapy, and I know that doesn’t always work (or is not always available).

Feeling numb is by far the most confusing thing I’ve felt, and 2 decades into therapy, it’s something I still struggle with, so I hear you.

I’ll add the requests to the ongoing list. Thanks for taking the time to write out your thoughts and ideas.

Always here to listen. 💜

[the-fujoshi-thesis]

I've been rediscovering BL and yaoi recently as someone who is 35 and who read their first yaoi (Gravitation) in high school almost 20 yrs ago. And I really appreciate your knowledge, research, and analysis of the genre and Fandom. I feel some times the younger fans have a hard time letting themselves enjoy the inate fantasy of it vs. Having to flagellate themselves and others for it existing. It reminds me of an article (which I need to find) about how under capitalism in the west, we only feel empowered to control what we consume, so we assign some moral value to what media we consume or not consume. It's sad because some folks are ok with NSFW bans that will target queer folks and sex workers. They are okay with bans if it means that the things they consider indecent or problematic are gone but conservative and right wing parties think the existence of queer is indecent. I fear they'd ban themselves in the public sphere because of this mindset.

Ha! Gravitation was also the first BL anime I watched and read!

And yes to the younger fans but I think there are many, many things that fall into each other to create the current fandom climate in addition to what you said about capitalism and assigning moral values to your consumption.

Things aren't as separate as they used to be, now everything falls into a big fandom hub and fans of different things with different boundaries and preferences have to see each other constantly. 15+ years ago everything was more sequestered and you had the easy option of noping out of places without having the feeling of falling out of fandom. Not to forget that having different accounts was also more widespread, sth that people forgot for a while and tried to put everything under their one and sometimes real name account.

The US, the main driver of anglosphere fandom spaces and unfortunately main influencer of other language spaces, straight up without a doubt had a huge right-wing shift in many, many aspects of its society including their culture. Some time ago you could be reasonably sure that an online queer person would be pretty leftist in many things they said and did. Now you have gays, lesbians, bisexuals and more just parroting Christian conservatism with their entire chest and that's reflected in fandom as well.

Again the US but this time their failing school system also in the last 20 years. You have one, one and a half generations of American children, teenagers and young adults who have trouble reading and understanding a text. And as sad and devastating that is for them they make it everyone else's problem and that constantly.

There is so much that goes on here and I as a non-American, non-Christian fan feel like the American cultural Christians and their teenagers are suffocating queer fandom even if they're queer themselves but it's not like we're forced to engage with them when we don't want to (most of the time)

But in my personal experience that fandom climate is on the down actually, like a pendulum that swings back and forth after reaching its high point. Unfortunately, American society itself, with its crumbling status as an Empire, is not doing well or in the path of recovery.

[lunart-06]

I love DR3 specifically for the future arc and only future arc cause my gooooodddd I've never hold onto Makoto's character tighter since DR1 and I MEAN IT.

There are a few thoughts I have and after that one post I reblog I HAVE to talk about it.

In DR1 I don't THINK he would make murder as something optional, considering the situation he was in, that would just be what Monokuma– what junko– wanted. Even if it comes to defending himself if he were to ever be the blackened's victim, he'd prolly just tried to see if there was a way to escape, or just punch his way out of it (the whole sayaka situation and all prolly does not sit right with him).

But that's it. He may not consider murder optional in DR1 but he won't hesitate to hurt when it comes to self-defense in the most devastating moment. He would, consider decking someone like Monokuma a few times but those are just the "food for thought" kinda thing for him. Not like he actually WOULD do it, rules or not, but he does think about it at least.

As for FF!Makoto– or DR3 Makoto, he was *outside* of Junko's confinement, he sees how the world became and *did* some things in order to gather all the remnants of despair. There is no doubt he would probably hurt– hurt, not kill– some people wearing the brainwash helmet. Cause again, these people aren't in their own will, and it's not their fault (though perhaps some were, while others would do so in their own will).

He doesn't have to take the option to kill during outside because there are lots of other options to take. He could ran away, he has a weapon, he has his friends with him.

But when trapped inside the FF building (doesn't that bring back good memories) there was NO other options that could make him avoid murder. There was nowhere left to run (he can't even run!!), he doesn't have a weapon, he was depended too much on his friends and risking his friends by slowing them down just for him.

And after Kirigiri died, and her last words flashes back to him in his dreadful, silent walk in the hallway to face Munakata, to "dont give up hope". There are lots of indication behind those words, and what led to Makoto in doing all those deadly traps. Kirigiri *trusted* him that he could move forward after her inevitable fate, his survival is *her* hope that she left, and she willingly die to keep him alive because she trusted him that he could and save the world even without her, she isn't wrong when she call him the ultimate Hope.

And how can he refused her dying wish?

Maybe, just maybe, that when he had his short breakdown afterward all alone in that hallway, not only that the fact Kirigiri just died had come back to slap him on the face that caused him to cry, but maybe, it's also because he *realizes* what he *has* to do in order to survive, in order to continue spreading hope, in order to keep Kirigiri's hope and everyone else's living.

That is keep on talking to Munakata, or trying to understand him in amidst of everything, will just won't get to him and led him to kill and hurt more others. Then Makoto has *no other choice* in order to stop him in the hard way.

He wouldn't like it. But progress won't be made if Munakata didn't stop this whole "trying to kill him and every despair" ordeal.

(I wonder, if by then, he mentally apologised to Chisa for unable to understand Munakata, despite all the tries, for letting her down, that he had failed. I wonder, when Chisa requested Makoto to try and understand Munakata, is that a small bit of what was left of her real self slipped out, or is it the despair that was talking, knowing fully well in using Makoto's "seeing everything good in everyone" nature to his own demise?)

I wouldn't doubt that it would get to him afterward, if he does succeed. Even if he does still capable of killing for his own survival when *extremely* necessary, doesn't mean that he doesn't despised it whole.

[all-eyes-lead-to-the-truth]

All Eyes Lead to the Truth | Pine Bluff Variant (5x18)

The tires on August Bremer’s Taurus rub along the curb as the car creeps to a stop. Lamplight beaming from the entryway of Hegal Place shines down on an injured Agent Mulder climbing the steps to his apartment. Mulder winces as he opens the door with his left hand held aloft, the pinky finger bent sideways at a sharp, unnatural angle. 

August shakes his head. Haley’s New Spartans goon is a sadistic piece of work. Finding the perfect moment to remove that asshole can’t come soon enough. 

Flicking the switch on the listening device, August points the red laser at the window of apartment 42, puts his headphones on and listens for the truth. 

“…what you’re talking about,” Agent Mulder says to someone — someone already waiting in his darkened apartment. 

“What happened to your hand?” August knows the soft, concerned voice belongs to Agent Scully, Mulder’s redheaded partner who risked her own life running after him in the park. August saw the fear for her partner drain the pink from her pretty face all the way from the getaway car. 

“Nothing,” Mulder lies. Badly.

“Oh, Mulder, what did they do to you?” she tsks. “God, this needs to be set. You’re in pain.”

“Yeah, if you keep pulling it around like that.” The man’s a smart ass even while doted upon.  

“Let’s get the swelling down.”

Choosing the greenish hued light emanating from Mulder’s apartment to focus on, August ruminates on the reason they’ve all been pulled into this clusterfuck to begin with.

Classified orders to develop a recalled bioweapon in secret were given directly to the army from the US Government. Instructing August to keep evolving the banned toxin, hastening it along. Cultivating a variant of a biological agent to become one of the most deadly bioweapons in the world sure as hell wasn’t August’s idea. But what could he do as a Pine Bluff stationed soldier, eager to use his biochemistry degree? Saying no to the CIA was never an option. So as years passed, August and his team analyzed chemical compositions to carefully create an aerosol version of a flesh-eating streptococcus compound capable of casualties nothing short of devastation. 

And he hates himself for it.

“Why do this to you, Mulder?”

“They’re testing me, too. Haley’s paranoid. Spooked. I was sure he was going to kill me.”

Sending Mulder on the inside with Haley was a risky test he could have easily failed. But that won’t be Mulder’s only test of trustworthiness. August knows Mulder’s involvement in this is a set up — just another pawn for the CIA’s own selfish means. Mulder’s strong opinions on the withholding of governmental secrets is the perfect way to kill two troublesome birds with one bio-weaponized stone. Now, August must be certain Mulder hasn’t flipped sides and become one with the terrorists he’s dutifully warned the bureau about. A final test to pass in order to be saved.

Agent Scully exhales. Her relief that he’s still alive is as loud as her concern. “What stopped him?”

“They still need something from me. And I’m sensing there’s someone Haley trusts even less — the man giving him his orders. Someone I haven’t met yet. A guy named August Bremer.”

Mulder’s right. August had created an alias to go behind the New Spartans’ back by leaking information to the bureau, and Haley will know the truth soon enough. Time is of the essence. If this militia isn’t stopped before the bioweapon spreads, millions may die horrific deaths. 

August just has to kill off the New Spartans without killing himself, too. 

“I hate that they hurt you,” Agent Scully murmurs. “You need to be cautious from here on out.”

“Always am,” Mulder quips, before gasping in pain. “Ouch! Okay, I will be. Scout’s honor.”

She scoffs, “You’re no Boy Scout, Mulder.”

“Yeah, Haley didn’t seem to think so either.”

“Not funny.” August hears the playful lilt in her tone vanish as quick as it came. “Let me get my med kit from your bathroom.”

Only the sounds of footsteps and Mulder’s heavy sighs fill the void until Agent Scully returns. 

“Scully, before, on the tape… You didn’t think I’d really…”

“Betray our country? No, Mulder, I refused to believe that.”

“Betray you.”

Even through the padded earpieces, August hears her breath catch. “Mulder…”

“Because I wouldn’t — I’d never, Scully,” Mulder says adamantly. “Never.”

“I know. I know that, Mulder.” August can imagine her hand reassuringly covering his. “You were doing your job. You didn’t have a choice in keeping it from me.” 

“It doesn’t make it any easier. For either of us.”

“No, I suppose it doesn’t.”

Silence stretches for a long time. Nothing but the crinkle of med-grade wrappers and the burbling of water from what sounds like a fish tank drifts through the headphones. August may be on the outside listening in, but he can practically feel the tension from here.

“Scully…”

“The swelling’s lessened. Luckily it’s a clean break.”

“Hey,” Mulder’s voice is soft, gentle. “Look at me.”

“Hold still while I splint your finger.”

“Scully-”

“This is dangerous, Mulder,” she huffs, her words wavering. “Extremely so. It worries me we’re separated on this.”

“Believe me, Scully, I’m not a fan either.” The clack of the metal finger splint tapping against wood has Agent Scully humming in agreement. “But I’d be lying if I said I’m not relieved you’re nowhere near a man that breaks bones for a living.”

“So who has your back, then? Skinner can only do so much and I’m not sure I trust the CIA agent in charge here.”

“You have my back, Scully. You do, and you’re the only one I trust. Remember?” There’s a smile laced within Mulder’s meaningful plea, and August nods in respect. Only a good man appreciates what keeps him that way. 

“I could hardly forget.”

August clicks off the listening device with a smile of admiration. Some truths are better left unheard. 

Read the rest of All Eyes Lead to the Truth on Archive of Our Own!

@monikafilefan

[akanisxingrid]

Paved in Blood

Trigger warning death(s)

Note: I did choose this option. Shane did give me an out.

What was under the city wasn’t anything they could have imagined, the darkness that lurked beneath made you feel like you been transported to another plane. It was hard to think that above them was the city that accepted the changeling into their ranks. That they needed to protect it now, the place they came to call home needed them to step up and show why they were a queensgaurd. Not only did Akanis know Elira but so did Ingrid. Elira had a sweet spot for the Elvhen as he was always so polite, sweet even, always had time to listen to her no matter the occasion. Where she would often chastised Ingrid after finding out the queensgaurd had snuck away some extra pastries, though it probably didn’t help that Ingrid had no time for what she called prattling.

It had brought a small smile to his lips as Akanis watched Celaya operate in the investigation. Offering her a squireship was something he knew was right. Despite what everyone else had to say, he believed that she could become someone spectacular, that she could provide hope for a future. Maybe some might believe him mad but Akanis knew one thing for certain that anyone can become more than what they were. Celaya could become more than what was done to her. She was more than a Witcher.

It wasn't a surprise that a place that had statues of the mother of dragons required some kind of test to pass. Those who went on the quest said it was a test that it wasn’t real and that they should play by the cults rules. But that was easier said then done. Akanis wouldn’t compromise his morals for some test, he would not go back into the darkness of sinking his head into the ground. Test or not it was a test of character that he was proud to fail, he wasn’t going to be pressured to scarify his morals not again. But Ingrid had learnt that morals only got in the way of power, of recognition, of titles and she would play to the cults test in order to get out unscathed, whatever it took Ingrid wouldn’t fall in this place.

It was when they were travelling deeper into the dead city that Akanis saw a glint of his own death. He couldn’t speak his last word of warning before his head was taken from his shoulders before he could even blink. Unceremonially dropping to the ground, rolling a couple feet away from his body, his eyes now truly held a dead look within them. The shift, Ingrid phasing into existence was the most painful exchange she had ever experienced. He couldn’t be resurrected at the tower without her, that what she thought this sundering of their souls was, this pull but little did she know. His face was scared into her memory, she saw it before when they were completing their trails, she had found comfort in him being beside her in that moment. But there was no comfort in seeing him this time. Just devastation. It hadn’t been just him, Agron a gueensguard who had more experience than them both and a renowned gladiator Dior, who wasn’t just famous for his charisma but his skill with a blade. At least they had all perished in good company.

There was no time to process her emotion right there, she had forgotten why they were truly here, why they all had come to this forsaken place to begin with but she knew she couldn’t let Scylla face a similar fate and without hesitation gave the owlbear a way to conceal herself. Her mind was fogged over with loss, there was a cloud of despair that hung over her thoughts. All she could think about was the blade that the woman held, how it sliced like butter. How it sliced through him like air plagued her as she hunted the woman down in the battlefield, she had expected it to be Ormir that she worked in tandem with but stranger thing had happened and in battle he was actually impressive unlike his politics. It was a strenuous battle, one where many rose and fall. She’d seen Celaya fall victim, even when she had managed to get to her feet again, she was a victim of their attacks.

The crystal in the was cracking, splintering, it could no longer take the pressure it must have been containing. There was only so much energy anything could take, be that living or not, everything had its breaking point and the crystal had reached its. With all that energy contained inside it would kill anyone within its reach. Time froze, she could turn and run, hope for the best that the wave to come wouldn’t reach them, that it wouldn’t damage the foundations of the city that badly it would collapse. Even though he wasn’t with her she could hear not just his words but feel his beliefs within her. There was a slim chance they could stop some of the damage, that she could do something. Looking back, Celaya was on the floor, Akanis’ new squire laid there as a skeleton tried to take her to safety. None of them were going to make it to safety if something wasn’t done, when given the opportunity to run, an opportunity that Ormir had given her instead of feeling she charged towards the crystal. Standing stallward as the magical energy grew she looked back once more making sure all that came here were out the room safely, thankfully the dragon that had no right to be so kind had scooped up Celaya. It had to be now or it would brake of its own volition, this was her honour, duty, responsibility as a queensguard to give her life in defense of the queendom. This was her moment to prove to everyone… no to prove to herself that she was worthy to stand beside Akanis and Agron as a queendguard. Her denotation of loyalty to not only the queen but the people came crashing against the crystal all she had was hope. There was the briefest of quiet, one that led her to believe she had accomplished something, but a breath later she realised she was going to die in this place, as her body turned to dust.

It was hard to imagine darkness, to picture the world with no light but that is how this limbo appeared. There was still this pulling sensation that she knew was Akanis and in this darkness she needed his light. Her pace felt like a hundred years had passed but finally there was a faint glow in the distance “Akanis!” she screamed out to him as she ran into his open arms. His form was featureless but she knew it was him by the warmth he radiated out, the way he held her in his arms that shone brightly like the sun. “Ingrid” the words whispered softly as they embraced each other. “We can go back now, back to our bodies." That was what this was right? He’d been here waiting for her. “You must go back, yes.” his voice was soft like he had made peace with something. “No, us Akanis…” it took a second to realise what was going on here. “No, you promised together. You don’t just get to decide that you're not going back, what about the promise we made? Together!” her voice was raw, rattling. “You need me and the shadow I cast gone to be the woman you’re meant to be Ingird. It’s my time to go back to the wheel and if it weaves it so you’ll be able to call on me again.” He took her face that had been buried in his shoulder in his hands, wiping away tears that had begun to fall. “I know the woman who hides away in there, I know she wants to fight for this world. So fight in my stead Ingrid, fight harder, fight for the both of us. You took a stand down there knowing that you could die permanently, why did you do that?” He posed her a question. “ Because it was the right thing to do.” It was the simplest answer but one she knew to be true. “Exactly! You know what you need to do, here knows.” his flaming has hovered over her heart “We don’t have much time left. You need to help Celaya, she has dark days to come and you need to be there for them. If you can’t find the person I believe in, that I know is there you can at least help her become a knight. Love fiercely, stand courageously, don’t let fear hesitate your action.” It wasn’t a request that he made. Slowly he let go of Ingrid and got to one knee “It had been a pleasure serving with you Sir Ingrid Isherwood.” His light dimmed as the wheel took him back, Ingird to began to fade but not before she could kneel herself “ I won’t forget you.” Of course he had to be a benevolent fucker in their finale moments but she would houner his finale wishes even if she was unsure how to be what he thought she could be, she couldn’t see what he could but he always seen the good that lurked with in her.

Being brought back to the reality she had known was disorientating. May that had all been a bad dream but the fact that she was in a coffin dismissed that thought. Half hearted she pushed the coffin open revealing she was in the tower, in Akanis’ tomb. Feeling like she’d been hollowed out she stood infront of a mirror hoping to see him there “Akanis?” She dared to whisper to the reflection. She hoped, prayed that he would appear there but the only thing that looked back was herself with a new adornment upon her face. She had once wished that she could live this life without him there, that she was never intertwined with him. But now she had that, had what she had dreamed of she didn’t want this anymore, it repulsed her to think she could have ever wanted to be without him, now all she had was the memory of being whole. Her hands griped around the mirrors edge like a vice, so tightly her hands began to shake. Tumbling to her knees her forehead pressed against its surface “I’ll find that woman you saw whatever it takes I’ll be that woman.” She promised to the ether.