#like what was i doing to my poor poor adhd/autistic brain??? no wonder i was depressed smh

[qeyond]

Signing into Tumblr dot com every morning to read the news (what new, incredibly correct, and canon takes my mutuals have posted)

[a-small-batch-of-dragons]

Whispers

as a fellow adhd creative struggling to do my work this semester, id love if you could write roman angst with him struggling with doing work and executive disfunction and the feeling of failure that comes from that. – anon

would you be able to do one of roman being autistic? he stims, rocking, flapping his hands, he vocalises when stressed or happy, he has echolalia (repeating words or phrases), etc. but he has to mask around the others, especially for long hours of the day and that's harmful in itself. only around remus and thomas (if he goes to the mindscape) he feels safe to unmask? I dunno, something angsty around that like an autistic meltdown with after the wedding fiasco and with both remus and thomas being protective over roman, soft other sides and unsympathetic patton.. I'd love to read more of thomas being protective over roman and I'm in love with remus being the protective older twin. – anon

maybe a fic where roman makes a space in the imagination for virgil (or any side that wants to) to take a second to breathe but unbeknownst to virgil he uses that space a lot – anon

Could you write Roman angst where he is cursed by the Dragon Witch or some other imagination resident and tries to hide the curse from the other sides? – monkeythefander

I think it would be really silly but also angsty if there was an anxroceit miscommunication where Roman overhears Virgil and Janus talking and he thinks that they’re bonding over their dislike of him. So of course in traditional Roman angst fashion he’s like “welp, I guess I am a horrible person after all, but at least they’re bonding” BUT what Virgil and Janus were actually bonding over is the way Roman’s being mistreated by the other sides and they’re trying to figure out how to help him. – anon

A Roman who has been taught that he will only get good things if he is useful. Can you feel my brain rot 😅 – anon

hiiiiii could I request for some creativitwins with protective remus and roman angst please?? – anon

hi! I like rewatching the sander sides incorrect quotes and I noticed even in the normal sander sides videos, thomas tries to protect roman (esp when first meeting janus) so I was wondering if you could make a fic where thomas and remus protect roman from a bunch of stuff? like thomas backing up roman in discussions, thomas and remus patching up roman after a secret meeting was held with them two (I'd love to see more of remus going absolutely apeshit for his brother and thomas joining in) and ending with some soft fluff with all of them? but it's up to you!! – anon

Read on Ao3

Warnings: self-hatred, ableism, bruised ego (in roman's case, quite literal)

Pairings: gen

Word Count: 5397

"You're awfully careless with your tongue, boy," the Dragon Witch snarls, her fangs flecked with blood, "I wonder if you'd be so dismissive if you knew what the others thought of you." He doesn't have time to do so much as open his mouth before a blast of red light hits him square in the chest. After that, it's all he can do not to clutch his head and scream.

"I think he's getting worse."

"Oh, I know he is. Didn't you see him with Logan earlier today? Poor thing looked like he was about to burst into tears if Logan expressed so much as the vaguest amount of disappointment in him."

"He's Roman. He'll burst into tears if someone looks at him wrong in silence for a few seconds too long."

Roman whimpers. The jagged rocks dig into his back as he curls up tighter, hands cold and useless where they lie bundled against his aching chest.

***

"You're awfully careless with your tongue, boy," the Dragon Witch snarls, her fangs flecked with blood, "I wonder if you'd be so dismissive if you knew what the others thought of you."

He doesn't have time to do so much as open his mouth before a blast of red light hits him square in the chest.

After that, it's all he can do not to clutch his head and scream.

***

"Roman."

Roman's mouth snaps shut. Patton's looking at him with that smile that doesn't feel like a smile, where it's mostly teeth and tight lines and a glint in his eyes that reminds him of Remus's morningstar. He brings his hands back towards himself immediately. "Yeah?"

"I think that's enough for now, don't you?" He tilts his head. "I mean, you've been talking about—what was it? Hammerhead sharks?"

"Yeah, well, I started talking about those 'cause I think it's really interesting how many monsters are designed around the idea of—" he cuts himself off when Patton holds up a hand.

"Yes, well. You've been talking about it for close to an hour, and I think that's enough."

"O-oh."

"Yeah, kiddo. I know we've been working on you getting your thoughts out in a way that's respectful to people's ears and time, but maybe we should try that again, hm? Oh, I know you just get excited," he says when Roman's just about to mumble something along those lines, "but there are ways to be excited and still be polite, right?"

"Yeah."

"Come on, look at me when I'm talking to you. Don't tell me you've forgotten how to do that too."

Roman snaps his head up, stifling the wince at the jolt of pain that shoots through him as he makes himself make eye contact with Patton. "I—I didn't forget how to do that."

"I didn't say you did, Roman."

"Y-yeah, yes, you did. You just told me not to tell you that I've forgotten how to do that."

"No, I didn't, Roman." Patton's voice suddenly hardens, almost cracking across him like a whip. "That's not a nice thing to accuse someone of saying."

"But I heard it! I just heard it!"

Patton raises an eyebrow. "Did anyone else hear me say that?"

"Nope," Virgil says, not even looking up from his phone. Logan shakes his head, only glancing in Roman's direction before returning to the work in front of him.

"B-but I—"

"But nothing, Roman," and now there's not even a hint of false warmth left in his voice, "I thought you were doing better about this. And stop tearing at your hands, you'll hurt yourself doing that."

I wouldn't have to tear at my hands if you let me stim normally, he thinks but doesn't say because as much as he hates it, Patton's sort of correct right now.

"I think it'd be best if you went to your room for a little while, don't you?"

"…yeah."

"Good. You don't have to come down for dinner either."

His head jerks up as Patton turns to walk away. "Wh-what did you say about dinner?"

Patton doesn't turn around, but the line of his shoulders tenses. "I didn't say anything about dinner, Roman, what ever could you mean?"

"I just—I just meant—is it still okay if I come back down for dinner?"

"Why would I ever forbid you from eating dinner, Roman?"

Roman sinks out. Whenever Patton's voice gets all soft and dangerous like that, he needs to go. He goes so quickly he doesn't see Remus watching him from the top of the couch.

***

"Did you see him last week? Patton so much as waited to say something and he was stumbling all over himself to fix it like a misbehaved puppy."

"His eyes get so big and I swear to fucking god he whines."

"He actually whines?"

"Like a kicked puppy!"

"Of course he does."

Roman turns his head and bites into the plant growing next to his shoulder. Their laughs echo in his ears and he hates it, he hates it, he hates it.

***

"So I think I know what's going on—"

"Fuck!" Roman leaps off the bed and scrabbles around in the blanket, toppling over onto the floor as Remus cackles. "Don't fucking do that, Re!"

"But it's fun to scare you sometimes!"

Roman glares at him, going back to scrambling and solving his Rubik's Cube. "What do you want?"

"I wanna talk about the curse you've got hanging all over you and why the first thing you didn't do was come to me about it."

"I didn't even know it was a curse, okay? Curses don't normally hang around outside of the Imagination."

"Aside from the fact that that's bullshit, Ro—" Remus prods him with a toe— "you still didn't come to me."

"Yeah, well…" He twists the cube a little extra viciously. "Wasn't exactly in a place where I could talk about it."

Remus stops poking him immediately, quickly shimmying down to the floor and wrapping his arms tightly around Roman. The pressure's almost an instant relief, a gasp leaving his lips as his hands fall peacefully back into his lap. Remus sets his head on his shoulder. "Was it bad?"

"Yeah."

"I'm sorry, Roro."

"Wasn't your fault."

"Sympathy, not apology," Remus says quietly, scooting to get Roman's bulk between his knees so he can lean them back against the foot of the bed. "Do you at least know what it is?"

"I'm pretty sure it's some kind of thought-swap curse? Like—she said I would regret being so careless with my tongue if I knew what others were thinking, so…"

"So that sounds like she made it so you'd hear the bad things people thought about you."

"I think it's just what people think about me."

"Nope. Nuh-uh, can't be, 'cause then you'd've heard how awesome I thought your infodump about hammerhead sharks was."

Roman twists in his arms. "Really? You thought it was cool?"

"Are you kidding? I wanna go to Ollie right now and have him take us to that big coral reef near the shipwrecks so we can watch 'em swim."

"I don't really wanna go swimming right now, but maybe later?"

"Sure, Roro. Hey, let's go tell Thomas about it!"

"You sure he won't mind?"

Remus gives him a look. "Thomas loves your monster rants almost as much as I do. They're great for brainstorms even if Lolo's too stuck-up to wanna do it outside of Halloween season. C'mon, c'mon, c'mon, let's go!"

Roman laughs as Remus drags him down to the living room.

***

"You know, sometimes I really do think there's something wrong with him."

"Jeez, what tipped you off?"

"No, not like that, just—you know he doesn't talk about it to anyone, right? It's like he's making it easier for himself to be hurt."

"He's Roman. He bruises like a peach no matter what he does."

"Guess they don't call him the Ego for nothing."

"Hah! Yeah, like that was gonna be a shock to anyone who's spent more than thirty consecutive seconds in the same room as him."

Bruises bloom like violets across his ribs. Breath rattles out of his mouth. He squeezes his eyes shut and hunkers down into the foliage. No one will look for him here, perhaps they can leave him to ache in peace for once.

***

"No, really, I think that's super cool, Roman."

Roman beams, hands flapping in excitement. Remus chuckles from where he's lounging on the floor. "See? Told you, Roro."

"Yeah, yeah, shut up."

Thomas laughs. "Are you guys gonna go see if you can find any in the Imagination?"

"I think Ollie's seen a couple near one of the shipwrecks, I'm gonna ask him."

"Let me know what you find, I don't actually think I've ever seen one not on TV before."

"Wasn't there that one in the aquarium?"

"I don't think that was a hammerhead. And it wasn't that big."

"Well, if that's what you're interested in—"

"Don't start with me, Remus."

"You're no fun sometimes, you know that?"

"I don't know what to do with him. It's like having a child that refuses to grow up."

Roman whips around so quickly he almost brains himself on the coffee table. He can hear Thomas and Remus trying to ask what's wrong. His eyes dart around the empty room. But he'd heard Patton like he was standing right there—

"Roman? Hey, buddy, what was that about?"

"You can't expect him to be perfectly behaved all the time, Patton."

He jerks around again as Logan's voice rings crystal clear in the pause. Thomas and Remus look at him strangely, but he can't see Logan either. "What's—what's going on?"

"I don't know, Roman, what's—"

"I don't expect him to be perfect! I've given up on that a long time ago. I just wish he'd behave normally for once!"

"Stop it," he whimpers, clapping his hands over his ears and rocking back and forth, "stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it—"

"Ro," Remus murmurs, his voice all whispery and low the way it is when he shortcuts through all the noise to talk to someone, "Ro, it's just me and Thomas. You're in the living room with us. You're safe. Can we help you?"

"Make them stop! Make them stop it, make them stop talking about me!"

"Who's talking about you?"

"Come on, you can't tell me you're not annoyed with him sometimes too. What does he think he is, a child? A cartoon character?"

"Roman's mannerisms are his own."

"You don't have to be polite, Logan, it's not like he can hear us right now."

"I can hear you," Roman whimpers, his hands still clutching and tearing at his hair, "I can hear you, stop it, stop it, stop it—"

All of a sudden, his mind fills with white noise. Well, it's not white noise exactly, but it's the soft and quiet burbling of the lavender pools outside the stone castle and his shoulders relax instinctively. His hands stay tangled in his hair as he pants, spittle drying on his lips. Remus's voice murmurs something else to Thomas and then there's a warm, heavy blanket draped across his lap. He keeps his eyes closed until he's no longer about to cry.

"Roman," he hears Thomas ask over the burble, "can I come give you a hug?"

He nods. Thomas's arms wrap around his waist, his chin on his shoulder and oh, Thomas is so warm…

"Lean against me, that's it, I've got you." His hand presses warmly against his still-hitching stomach. "Shh, shh, you're doing really well. We're right here. We're not going anywhere."

"I admit sometimes it's more than a little off-putting."

He winces at Logan's words, dulled as they are behind Remus's powers, and Thomas shushes him immediately, asking what it is he can do to help. He just leans wordlessly into him, tucking his chin against his chest as he tries to pull his hands from his hair.

"Hey, hey, easy." Remus's hands cover his and coax them free, slow and gentle. "Can you hold onto me instead?"

He blindly twists his hands into the tulle at the front of Remus's costume, pulling him closer until their knees are mashed together. Remus comes easily, setting his chin on Roman's other shoulder. He takes a shuddering breath, smelling the sunlight still lingering on Thomas's shirt and the damp moss smell that Remus never seems to wash out completely. He's safe. He's here in the living room.

"And it's not like he has anything to show for it that would actually be useful."

"I would feel differently if he were actually able to get any of his work done, this is true."

"Hey, hey, Roro—"

"Shh, shh, buddy," Thomas says softly as he whines and curls in on himself, "you can talk to us. What's going on?"

"I keep hearing them—I can hear them—they won't stop talking about me, they won't stop—"

"Who won't stop? What can you hear?"

"P-Patton. And Logan. They won't stop—they won't stop talking about me. They keep saying I'm horrible and that I'm a child and I'm not—I'm not doing anything but I am! I'm trying, I'm trying so hard, I'm using all the tricks they keep suggesting and it's just not working, I sit there and—and I do it and I try—I try for so long and it's like it just won't come out and I can't—I can't just do it and make it happen if it doesn't want to go—"

"Roman, they're not here right now—"

"I know they aren't here! I can still hear them!"

"Okay, I believe you." Thomas holds him a little tighter. "And they're saying…they're saying they're upset with you?"

"They're saying they h-hate me."

"I don't think they hate you, buddy—"

"They do! They don't like how I'm not always perfect and how annoying I am and how long it takes me to get work done but it's not that easy and it's not like I can't—I'm trying so hard and it's not my fault that it's been getting harder and harder recently and I can't do anything about it—"

"Roman, calm down—"

"—and it's not like I don't hate myself enough for it already!"

The room goes silent. Remus's magic disappears. Thomas's grip stutters.

"…oh, Roman…"

"I'm sorry," he gasps, curling in on himself again as the shame splits him neatly from chest to navel, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry—"

"Come here," Thomas says hoarsely, "come—just come here, Roman."

***

"Whoa. This place is cool as hell, Princey." Virgil steps out of the brush onto the stone path behind Roman, looking up at the towering trees. Flowering vines carpet the cave walls, drifting back and forth in the slight breeze coming off the crystal pool's surface. "What did you make it for?"

"You."

Virgil balks. "For me?"

"Well, sort of—sorry, that came out weird. I was thinking about that conversation we had about having just a soft space to breathe in and it, uh, made me want to make something like that."

"Holy shit, Roman."

"That's—sorry, I know that's kind of weird."

"No, no! That's really sweet of you. I, uh, I like it."

Roman beams. "You do?"

"Yeah, Roman, I really do. Thanks."

"You can come here whenever you want, okay? It's—it's a good place to be by yourself."

***

"My, Roman, you're looking splendid today."

"Just tell me what the fuck you want."

It pulls Janus up short, stopping him a few feet away. "Uh—"

"Look, we don't have to do the whole song and dance. We get it. You know I like compliments. We know I'm easily manipulated. We know you can always make me do what you want if you act like it's my idea or whatever. We get it. Just tell me what you want this time."

There's a few moments of tense silence. Then Janus clears his throat. "Roman, that's not what I meant."

"Not what you meant what? Not what you meant, you didn't think I'd figure it out? Not what you meant, you didn't think I'd call you out on it?"

"…maybe I just wanted to tell you that you looked nice today." Roman levels him with a glare so intense it actually makes him take a step backwards. "You know, you really can't pull off the whole intimidating look."

He grits his teeth to bite back the made you step back, didn't I? "Is that all you wanted?"

"If you keep acting like a brat, it might be."

"I'm not being a brat."

"I didn't say you were." His mouth curls up into a smirk. "Though, now that you mention it…"

He pinches the bridge of his nose. The only way out with Janus sometimes is through, and the more he gets himself riled up the longer Janus is going to toy with him until he breaks down and gives him exactly what he wants. "Look. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to snap at you. You didn't deserve that. I'm having a bad day. I'm trying to work on the ideas, but I'm having trouble. No, I don't know why—and I'm trying all the things you guys suggested and they're not really working but I am trying them. Did you need me to do something for you?"

Janus just watches him for a long moment. Then he sighs. "I was going to ask if you'd be willing to swap dinner duty with me tomorrow."

Tomorrow. When he's already promised Patton that he'll have a talk with him in the morning. When he's already said he'll try and have everything ready for Logan by the afternoon. When he's going to have to sit through movie night without Remus because Ollie's pond needs to be cleaned and Patton already had words with them about Remus missing it, there's no way he'll let Roman miss it too.

"…yeah, I can do that. I probably won't be able to do anything fancy, though."

"That's alright. We all already lower our standards when it comes to your nights."

And that…that does it.

Roman whirls around, clutching his hands to his chest as he hustles down the hall, away, away, away from Janus and his silver tongue and his sharp words and the hurt. He shoulders past Virgil, who shouts in alarm, and doesn't stop until he reaches the door to the Imagination.

"What the fuck's wrong with him?" he hears in two-fold as he disappears through the door, one from the hallway he's just fled and the other inside, pounding against his skull.

"At this point, it might be easier to list what's not wrong with Roman."

***

"I just don't know what to do with him anymore."

"Oh, well, then we're all fucked. You knew how to handle him more than any of us ever did."

"Outside of Remus, I'm not sure that's true."

"Remus just eggs him on, that's not the same thing."

"You're right about that much."

Roman would love to say he's surprised. He really would. But hearing it like this, when he's forced to hear it for what it is, just feels like the sudden downpour at the end of the shittiest day to end all shitty days. To hear that he's never been anything more than a burden, a problem that needs to be managed, something that needs to be handled. Not someone that sometimes just needed a friend.

But…well, there's a reason he knew he could come here. Could hide among the vines, could sit with his back against the sharp rocks and cry and rock and scream and whine all he wanted without being found.

Virgil hadn't come here once since he showed him.

That really should've tipped him off sooner.

But Roman's just a stupid problem that no one knows how to deal with, so he didn't notice until he had to.

The Dragon Witch had been right.

***

"But seriously, all jokes aside, I'm getting really worried about him."

"Yeah, me too. He's stopped—I don't know exactly what it is he's stopped doing, but he's stopped doing it."

"I know…do you think we could try talking to him about it?"

"He just ran away from me when I tried to tell him he looked good, I don't know how well that's going to go."

"Okay, but did you, like, just tell him that or were you an asshole about it?"

"Virgil!"

"Janus."

"…okay, maybe I also wanted to switch dinner duty—"

"That's fucking why! It's hard enough to get Roman to believe we care about him, and then you go and do shit like that—"

"—but aside from that, I tried to ask him what was going on but then he just ran away from me. I don't—I don't know Virgil, I know he's going to be suspicious of me, but if I try and be gentle with him, that's just going to make him more freaked out."

"Yeah, but we gotta be better about it than whatever the fuck your shit show just was."

"I know."

"And we gotta figure out how to ask Remus about it."

"Ask me about what?"

"Holy fuck, Remus, don't do that."

"We're worried about Roman."

"You fucking should be, you assholes have been hounding him about shit he can't do for months."

"What do you mean, 'shit he can't do?'"

"You know, pretending he's a robot or some hell-spawn of an AI that can just churn out content whenever you fucking want him to. He's a living person, shit's hard for him sometimes too."

"No, not that—wait, Logan and Patton have been what?"

"Wait, what were you asking about?"

"Virgil—Virgil, I don't know if we should—"

"Janny, if you know something about my brother—"

"Calm down, put the tentacles away. Virgil and I were worried about how Patton keeps shutting Roman down when he tries to talk about things he's interested in, alright? Logan's worried too, he's—he's been trying to keep Patton distracted so he doesn't jump all over Roman."

"And the fact that Princey's been avoiding all of us more."

"But we didn't know about that, Remus, we swear."

"Princey told me he's been having trouble, okay? That's why I've been avoiding the Imagination recently, it's your guys's space, figured it'd be easier if I wasn't in there too."

"Is Roman okay?"

"No. He's really not."

"What can we do?"

"Remus! There you are, thank goodness—"

"Logan?"

"What's going on?"

"Why are you all wet?"

"I was in the Imagination and the wolf came and found me."

"The what?"

"Oh, fuck."

"Wait, no, go back, what wolf?"

"He's one of the twins's creatures—"

"He's not ours by any sense of the word and we're gonna have this conversation while we're running!"

"Will someone explain to me what's going on?"

"Logan, show me where—"

"Right this way—"

"Janus, I swear to god if you don't tell me what's going on—"

"I'll do it while we're running, like Remus said, now go!"

***

A low growl wakes him.

He stirs, still too cold, still too fragile, and a warm puff of breath soothes the worst of his aching limbs. He opens his eyes to see the muzzle in front of him. Jaws the size of him open to reveal long white fangs, a tongue a deeper red than the sort that flows through his veins, eyes several feet away yet still far too close as the wolf laps delicately at his beaten hands. With shaking fingers, he reaches out and touches the warm fur.

The wolf closes his mouth with another soft growl. His nose nudges gently at his sternum—though how gentle can a wolf the size of a house be?—and pulls away, silently asking if he can stand. He staggers to his feet. As he does, he tries to steady himself on the sharp wall and cuts one of his hands. The wolf growls, and suddenly his hand is between his jaws.

He freezes, and yet all that happens is the lapping of a massive tongue as the wolf cleans away the blood.

Several creatures in the Imagination are entities in and of themselves. They are capable of great feats that no normal creation should be and operate outside the rules the twins abide by. As such, it is not of great shock when Roman feels the curse energy begin to fade away, but it is with such a tenderness that his knees grow weak and he sinks down to the floor.

There is no condemnation in the wolf's gaze, for he knows Roman far too well, but there is a silent question.

"I couldn't," he croaks, "I couldn't. I—I just couldn't."

One of his fangs just touches the edge of his finger.

"I don't know. Didn't I—didn't I deserve it?"

Another growl, louder this time. It vibrates up his arm and into his chest and leaves such a burst of shame that he, forgetting who it is that holds his hand, tries to pull away but he's held fast. The wolf licks his hand again, soothing him, but does not let him go.

"It's so hard—it's so hard, I'm just so tired."

Jaws part, his hand is freed, now cleaned of blood. The wolf lays his head down in front of him, ears flattened, and nudges Roman's leg with his nose. Roman lays his hand there, trembling, and he blows a warm breath over him.

"…you went to Remus?" The wolf blinks slowly. "I…I don't know if I'm ready to see them yet. What if they—what if they're mean to me again?"

He winces at how much a child that makes him sound like, but the wolf only blinks again. There's a low thud from the entrance to the cavern and he glances over to see that his tail has completely covered the opening in the rock wall. The wolf will not let them in unless he believes they will not hurt Roman, and it is only that knowledge that gives him the strength to tell the wolf to move his tail aside.

***

He's sitting at the edge of the water when he hears them coming. He turns just in time to have Remus barrel into him, knocking him over with the force of hug.

"Oh, little one," he hears Logan say over the sound of his own tears, "I'm so sorry, Remus explained everything, I'm so sorry—I never meant any of it, not like that—I was only frustrated—"

"We don't hate you, sweetie," Janus says next, crouching in the sand, "we never hated you, you're not a burden—"

"Shh, shh…" Remus puts his mouth next to Roman's ear and fills his head with the soft sound of Ollie's squeaks and whistles. "That's it…that's it, Roro, it's all okay. You're okay, you're gonna be okay."

"Guys, give them a little bit of space, Roman just got un-cursed."

Shuffling in the sand. Roman looks up to see them all giving him varying looks of concern—Virgil at least tries to make a grimacing smile—oh, he's still crying—

"Ro, focus on me. Just on me, it's okay, let me squish you back into your body."

"You—you came, you came 'cause you cared?"

"Of course we came 'cause we care, Roro, that's why the wolf came and got us. Well—why he got Lolo."

"L-Logan?"

"Yes, little one." Logan inches forward just enough to card his hand through Roman's hair. "I was—I was worried, looking for you—Patton had told me you'd stormed off in a huff earlier and I knew that couldn't have been the whole story—"

"What?"

A look of confusion crosses his face before it softens. "Oh, Roman, I've never meant for you to think I only assume the worst of you…no, little one, I knew if you were upset then there had to be something more going on…and then you weren't in any of your normal spots and then the wolf came…oh, Roman…"

For he's still crying. He's still crying.

"R-Re—"

"Right here, Roro. Right. Here."

"I really didn't mean to make you so upset," Janus whispers next, "I'm sorry, little prince, forget about dinner. Don't worry about anything except making yourself happy for a little while, alright?"

"You don't—you don't hate my dinners, right?"

"What? No, sweetie, never!" Janus looks aghast at the thought. "Why would you believe that?"

"You said—you said you have to lower your standards when I cook."

"You said what?"

"Janus!"

"No—no, I didn't—I was going to tease you, sweetie, I didn't mean it—that's why I didn't say it, because I knew it wasn't the right time—oh, Roman, no."

"I'm gonna punch you in the face," Remus says solemnly, despite Roman's protests, "no, he knows he earned it."

"It's okay, Roman. It's just like the bitch slap you gifted me, he does this a lot."

"You'd think you'd do less punch-worthy things."

"Can't help it sometimes."

Virgil snorts. "You absolutely can, though. That's the thing. Don't listen to him, Roman, he's full of shit."

"Except when he's telling you that you look good."

"Except then."

Roman laughs. It's not really a laugh, it's a gross and sniffly thing that sounds like a dying goose, but it's meant to be a laugh and their faces light up like it's the best laugh ever. Maybe it is. He doesn't really know right now.

"Hey," Remus stage-whispers, "I think they'd really like to come see the hammerhead sharks with us."

"Really?"

"Yeah. It was super cool hearing you talk about them," Virgil says and Logan nods in agreement, "we're down to come if that's cool."

"Wait, what's this about sharks?"

"Oh, right, you weren't there. Guess Roman's just gonna have to explain it to you too," Virgil says with an exaggerated sigh and a wink.

"W-what about Patton?"

"Oh, Pat-Pat's currently having a talk with Thomas about things," Remus says offhandedly as he squeezes Roman tighter. "They'll be busy for a while yet."

"…you guys really wanna come see the sharks?"

"Yeah, Roro."

"Yes, please."

"I'm in."

"Sounds fun!"

***

At the next meeting, Roman proposes an aquarium visit.

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[kerubimcrepin]

Live-read: The Wheel of Destiny #1, Atcham.

You can find this article on the Dofus MMO’s site, by simply googling it.

Before I begin this post I want to acknowledge multiple things:

On the hierarchy of canonical media, web articles are like... the bottom of the barrel. I already suspected this, but season 4 fully retconning Eva's parents from the lore articles sealed the deal. For this reason, take these as nothing but the sort of canon that will get retconned at the first available opportunity.

I recently found out that the Wheel of Destiny 8, the one about Kerubim, seems to use stolen fanart by Flowerimh, which is sad. I don't know where else to put this, because I don't want to make a separate post about this. Flowerimh isn't even active anymore...

Despite these two things, let us proceed to read this article together:

So, this article happens anywhere from one year to a decade before Joris was born, and at this time, Atcham and Julith were already acquainted and spending free time together.

Spoiler alert: They are searching for Kerubim.

Keke getting called a "precious runt" is on par with the shit Joris gets called. Wonderful. I do wonder why they would search for him in Brakmar. Someone confused him for Atcham? Maybe they asked Kerubim himself, and he didn't want to deal with them, and so, sent them to Brakmar on a wild goose chase?

I will not be asking "what did he do" because, like, Fifi Pretty Calves exists. He has enough enemies to have a price on his head.

I am literally in love with him, and every single way he is described in this part of the text.

"He had a preference for sibilant sounds", "Aw, poor little puppy", "the only reason he hadn't robbed them blind is because he wanted to know more".

He was so excited.... he thought they wanted him (not carnally).... 😢

He takes a lot of pride in his work and insane behaviours.

Atcham considers himself an extraordinary adventurer and a valiant fighter. AND HE ISSSSSS. But it is interesting that besides being a killer for hire, he probably also adventures.

[Taps this meme I made about Kerubim and Atcham once again]

He was so ready to be the one people wanted to kill just once, and they ruined his whole fucking evening.

Imagine this being your day-to-day life, for decades. Just people laughing at you, laughing because you still hadn't caught on that you're the joke, and laughing when you finally understand that, and get upset.

Laughing about you behind your back, to some random stranger, too. Because they still hadn't realized they're literally talking about him.

I think this is a good time to say that I headcanon Atcham as autistic. It is simply a headcanon, but one rooted in the themes of his character. I think it is a fitting conclusion, (albeit, just like my hcs of Joris having ADHD and OCD and Kerubim having comorbid BPD and HPD, very accidental one, on part of the writers).

I could talk for hours on the way neurodivergence, disability, body issues, and violence-as-response-to-abuse intersect in Atcham's character, — or the way he hates everyone preemptively, because he knows that they will probably hurt him, yet still tries to be at least a bit kind and fair to others (....who aren't Kerubim).

I am probably not autistic, — however, I am neurodivergent, and I love & relate to him, so yeah. Always rotating this bingus in my brain.

Imagine this being your whole life.

I read descriptions of Atcham being cool and fast, and all the analysis leaves my brain as I say "awooga hummina hummina".

The fact that nobody ever wed him is literally so unrealistic, like WHAT DO YOU MEAN you don't want the weird, mentally ill, neurodivergent twink.

We never see Atcham's home in Brakmar, but from the description of "tattered", and the way his bed looks in the comic panel I inserted earlier in the post, it is safe to say his home is the definition of "girlrotting". It probably smells. Bad.

Says the woman whose kindness will also be the death of her, — and her ruthlessness too.

Because of her visiting his home so nonchalantly, and their interactions as a whole, I like to view Atcham and Julith as somewhat close friends, — as close as two very emotionally repressed people, who have a huge age difference, and don't like to admit that they feel anything positive, can be.

He probably didn't mourn her, — not after she was presumed dead for ten years, and not after she died for real.

But he probably still thinks about her, once in a while.

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #285

Despite the fact that the last 10-15 hours were objectively amazing, at the moment, I feel almost unbearably empty. It seems like the weight of it is crushing me, even though emptiness isn't technically supposed to weigh anything. Weird. I have a playlist on, consisting of a few simple songs, trying to keep myself afloat. Honey Trees, by Michael Bell. Taswell, Dreiton, and Aria Math, by C418. Invisible Hand, Champion, On the Beach at Night, and Weep Not, My Child - all by Curtis Schweitzer. I also have in there a song called To Faraway Times, from a game called Chrono Trigger; the version of it I like is done by a person named Malcolm Robinson. Maybe you'd like some of these. Or maybe not. Maybe you can give them a try and find out, if you want to.

…Sephiroth, I don't have a reason to feel this empty. Aside from the things that come with being a queer autistic AFAB with ADHD and C-PTSD, life is perfect. I eat when I want. I have two beautiful, wonderful husbands who love me. 5 adorable cats who love being near me. A plethora of awesome and supportive friends. More games to play and inspiring stories to witness than I know what to do with. Lots of beautiful teas to delight in. A warm house in a safe neighborhood. Clean water to drink, reliable electricity… the list of blessings in my life goes on and on and on. I could literally be here for hours listing them all. But that'd get boring, I'm sure. So I won't.

…I don't know what's wrong with me. It's a little scary, actually. Today, I caught myself thinking again about how nice it would be to just… stop… being. For a while. I haven't had thoughts like that in some time now. If they're cropping up, there must be a reason - a neurochemical issue that can be solved. I just… I don't know what it is. Is it the fact that I woke up to horrible cramps and lots of bleeding? Is it that there isn't enough sunlight for me to feel good? Maybe I didn't get enough sleep? Enough water…? Is there some nutrient I'm missing from my diet…? Is it the anticipation of getting 4 teeth yanked out the day after tomorrow…? Dealing with being in consistent contact with that acquaintance, who likely will never understand that I'm a full human instead of just a walking Google for his use? Some combination of all of the above…?

…

Well. I tried doing stuff anyways. After writing last night's letter, I had a really good Dead Cells run. I made it to the Astrolab again. And this time, instead of getting my ass kicked by the enemies there, I actually made it to the room beyond, called the Observatory. I took pictures; I promised you that I would get pictures in a recent letter, remember? Here:

...I streamed this run on Twitch. On my Twitch stream, I have a couple banners. One says, "Yes, I know I'm bad at this game. Be nice or go away." The other tries to tell people that the chat isn't easy for me to see, so I can't always respond immediately.

...Well... some person on the internet who was watching me fight The Hand of the King said to me that they "don't know why [I] say [I'm] bad at this game, because [I] parry like a god".

...I felt warm and fuzzy at that for a little while, but... then I felt a little badly about it. I tried telling this person that I am not actually very good; I am actually dyspraxic, and so I had to work a little harder to get this far than most would have had to. My progress has been slower than what a person with a normal brain with normal motor functions would have been capable of. I told this person that I still sometimes have instances in which my rhythm and timing are poor, that I still sometimes get overwhelmed and panic, that I still sometimes make mistakes and get overrun.

...Sometimes I still fall. Most of my runs still end in failure. I still haven't been able to defeat most of the bosses without getting hit. Although I did manage to defeat The Concierge without getting hit in last night's run, and that felt pretty good.

...

...I think I am afraid of accepting compliments because I'm afraid that if I do, then it'll set the other person up for having unrealistic expectations of me. They saw me while I was in a flow-like state, having a good rhythm, and being successful; what kinds of abuse might they sling at me, the very moment that I falter or fail to do the thing with the level of precision and flawlessness that they've come to expect...?

...When I think of these fears, I think of my mother. I get the praise from her as long as I can be perfect, as long as I can be someone she can brag to all her stupid little fucking friends about. But the second I slip up, the second I'm not flawless, the second that I behave like a human instead of an automaton, the second that I defy her unrealistic expectations of me, her perception of me does a 180 degree turn, and I go from being "oh so smart", "gosh how reliable", "so diligent and thorough" and "wow so creative" to "stupid", "oblivious", "ungrateful" and "disrespectful" in no time flat.

...I guess I'm a little afraid of compliments because... I guess I feel like it's only a matter of time before I become a disappointment instead. And... in my experience, I've found that when I am perceived as a disappointment, the thing that follows soon after is rejection or violence.

...

Anyway, I got my ass kicked by The Collector at The Observatory. I wonder, perhaps somewhat bitterly, how "godlike" this person thought I was as I was being tossed about the screen, if they were still watching me as I fell. I wonder how quickly their opinion of me changed. I wonder if they decided that they were wrong about me and that I really do suck at this game, after all.

...Or maybe that's just my old childhood conditioning, telling me that I have to be infallible and beyond reproach before anyone will think I'm worth anything. If my childhood conditioning is running the show right now, I must be pretty tired. I'm going to take a deep breath and recognize negative thoughts like those for what they are - abuser propaganda, fed to me in the past as a means to keep me weak, isolated, self-doubting, and easy to control.

...Sigh. It's very lame. But that's okay. We can defy the old things. We can remember what is real and what is good. I can still be perceived as good even when I make mistakes and fall down. And it's only unhealthy people who will respond to my inherent imperfection with violence, rejection, and hate. My worth is not defined by how well I can live up to others' expectations of me.

It's okay that I got my ass kicked by The Collector. It just means that I can face him in the training room until he stops kicking my ass. I'll do the same thing I did with The Hand of the King; every time I defeat him, I'll lower my stats by a single point, until I'm satisfied that I can defeat him, even at a significant disadvantage. Then, when I face him for real, it'll seem easy by comparison.

...I went to bed later than I should have, last night. That's probably not helping matters.

Well. My body was not in a great state when I woke up, in any case. Lots of cramping and bleeding, like I said, which was already anticipated and accounted for. I made the steak. And I made the weird garlic bread.

I seasoned the steak with my usual combination of spices - salt, pepper, paprika, and garlic powder. Can't go wrong with those:

I made mac and cheese, too:

I also made garlic and herb butter - this time with only half the garlic I normally use. I spread it on a handsome loaf of bread, split in half:

From here, I prepared the brie I got:

...This one is a triple cream brie, which means it's SUUUUUPER soft and gooey. And since it's a brie, that means the rind is also edible.

But... two things about brie. Very important:

The first one is that you DO NOT under ANY circumstances want to eat too much of it in one sitting. As far as I understand it, all the soft ripened cheeses have a small amount of listeria in them. And a little bit won't hurt you, but if you eat too much, you'll get a lot of it, and too much at once will take root in your digestive tract and cause problems. I only know this because... well. I stress-ate an entire wheel of brie in one sitting a number of years ago, and after the two-week incubation period, I ended up with a fever high enough to cause confusion and mild delirium. And then everything I ate passed through the other end just chewed - wholly undigested. It was a VERY BAD TIME.

-2513847 out of 10 stars, ABSOLUTELY WOULD NOT RECOMMEND.

The second one is, while the rind doesn't taste bad in its unmodified state, if you try to incorporate a whole brie, rind and all, into a sauce, the rind will make your sauce taste like the way ammonia smells. Or at least, that's what happened that one time when I tried to make a berry and brie sauce. I just combined mashed blackberries, sugar, and a whole wheel of brie into a saucepan on low heat and blended them together, and it should have been delicious, but... it very much WAS NOT. It was so bad that I had to throw it all away; it was not salvageable. I concluded that heating up the rind for more than a minimal amount of time makes it weird. Don't do it. It's bad news.

Anyway, so I cut off the rinds from the brie. It's really not bad, especially if there's still a decent amount of cheese attached to the rind:

...It's got a bit of an earthy, almost mushroomy flavor to it. The ammonia flavor is there if you're looking for it; it's not exactly subtle, but it's overridden by the other flavors, usually. It's not bad though, especially if you wrap it in something yummy to go with it, like roast beef or prosciutto or something:

The knife looked like this after I cut the rind off; you can tell it's a super gooey cheese just by looking at it. Mind you, this cheese was still cold:

...The rind tastes a little weird, maybe. But the cheese inside the rind is unbelievably buttery and delicious.

...Anyway, so the garlic bread was baked, and then I put the cheese on it; brie on one side, and muenster on the other, because M and J aren't overly fond of brie:

...We melt it in the oven, and then we stick the prosciutto on top after that:

From there, we cut it up into delicious slices:

...Here's the resulting plate of yummy deliciousness that I put together in order to try to replenish all the iron I'm gonna be losing over the next 10 days or so. I wish I could give you some:

...I kind of... floundered around for most of today. I didn't even play any Dead Cells. I'm hoping to tomorrow. But I've got a couple things to do tomorrow, so we'll see. I talked to a few people on and off. I have a friend in this space who talks to me regularly, and that's always delightful. And I have another friend who sends me heartwarming pictures on occasion; today it was a VERY cute caterpillar!!!

Even on days that feel empty and strange, I still gotta try to remember that there are good things. Even if the present is ouchy, and even if the future seems scary, we still gotta try to hold on to the things that are good. These are the things that give us strength so that the scary things are a little bit more bearable.

Towards the end of the day, I managed to snag a couple nice pictures of the sky for you:

I also managed to snag these pictures of Mogwai chilling out in my lap as I write this letter to you:

...Though I think I'm just about done with today's letter, I'll probably be stuck here in this chair a while; it is currently illegal for me to move, hahaha! Sometimes I wonder if I should have named him "Monkey", because he's always climbing all over me, ahahaha~!

It is a good "problem" to have. 🙂

Though I still feel inexplicably empty, you don't gotta worry about me. I know that states like these are only temporary until my brain sorts out whatever it's gotta sort out. I'll keep trying to take care of my body in the meantime until whatever's going on makes its way out of my system. And it will make its way out of my system; I know it because I've been here before, and I've been in worse spots before. Unpleasant states aren't permanent. You just "focus on what you love, right under your nose" (as The Horse says), and keep solving the obvious problems one step at a time until things turn around.

I'll be okay. And you'll be okay, too, as long as you don't give up hope for a better future. Keep striving for your safety, and for the safety of your friends and your planet and all the people on it, okay? Keep solving one small problem at a time. Keep making kind, good, loving, compassionate choices, even when it feels really hard to do. Keep looking for the magic in things, even if your heart feels heavy. Keep finding the good within yourself, even if you have doubts. And please... stay safe out there, with whatever it is you're doing.

I love you. And I'll write again tomorrow.

Your friend, Lumine

[mr-entj]

Hi Mr. ENTJ, congrats on the new job offer. It's good to hear INTJ and Kobe & Co. are doing well, too.

I'm an ENTJ currently in my fourth year of my Computer Science PhD specializing in Machine Learning/Data Mining, and I know that you know how quickly this field moves. There's loads of advice about how "doctoral programs a marathon, not a sprint" and students need to pace themselves and have work-life balance in order to not burn out. Following these principles, I've made it this far unscathed (in terms of mental health deterioration) and managed to stay in my program.

With luck, an understanding advisor, and low amounts of admin work (emails, meetings-that-could-be-emails, etc.), and good self management, I have been able to work 40 hour workweeks for the most part and stay on track. That being said, I am currently in a period of time where I am increasing to 50 hour workweeks in order to meet a conference deadline at the end of June 2023 (time of writing is mid-late April 2023). As long as I show up to work every day and do my best, I expect this paper will be finished by the time my internship starts. This is fine by me; deadlines need to be met, and I want to continue with my current 5-year PhD trajectory (as opposed to taking longer).

Speaking candidly, I have ADHD and am also Autistic, and maintaining this 40hr/week is critical in preventing the "I wake up in the morning wondering if I've accomplished anything meaningful with my life" feeling that gets in the way of me doing very much at all with my day. I also notice that when I am in the *deep throes* of burnout, my ability to pull back and look at the bigger picture takes a nap and I make myopic, hasty decisions. It's a recipe for bad research.

I've relaxed my "good work-life balance" constraint to simply "do not enter the *deep throes* of burnout". My question is for what lies after this period of time: I will be entering a summer research internship. I am concerned I will not perform well at my internship and will not be able to study as hard for full time interviews as a result of my choices now. Any tips for optimizing this recovery time and post-burnout damage control? Is this an ill-posed question, and there is no way to have my cake and eat it too?

Thanks for your time and consideration, Mr. ENTJ.

You can have your cake and eat it too, you'll just need to endure for the next few months.

Some thoughts on your situation in no particular order:

Get therapy and medication for the ADHD and autism if you haven't already. Mental health issues should never be left untreated especially when you're attempting ambitious and difficult goals. It would be like trying to win a race with a broken leg.

Set strict guardrails to get adequate sleep and nutrition. Don't compromise on either of these two because it'll severely impact performance. During the most intense periods of my life, meal planning worked really well so I could grab and go healthy meals without long prep time. Poor health choices lead to low energy, brain fog, and bad moods. Healthy food/snacks, hydration, vitamins, exercise (even a quick 15 minutes of cardio when my scheduled was packed) made me 10x more effective.

Reach out to the summer internship team and learn more about expectations so you can start planning ahead to manage your time and prepare to hit the ground running. Most summer internships aren't time-consuming and energy draining to the point they'd grind you down to dust. This is because interns require a lot of time to onboard which cuts into the 3-month summer term and they have limited access to information, skills, and experience needed to do more complex work. I wouldn't jump the gun and stress about underperforming without knowing the full scope of your role and responsibilities.

Ensure that you have at least one person from your summer internship who can speak highly of you. In the unlikely event you don't perform well in your internship, you'll still walk away with a solid professional reference to use for future full-time job offers. Pro tip: Companies won't interview every single person at the internship even if you fuck up. As long as they can verify you worked there and you have at least 1 person (more is better) who can speak to your abilities, you'll be fine.

Prioritize full-time job interviews > summer internships if the summer internship has a low chance of conversion to a full-time role. If the opposite is true, reverse that order. If you need to prioritize one of these two, prioritize the one that secures your desired outcome.

Focus on outcomes over input. Focus on the things you achieve, the milestones you reach, and the obstacles you overcome-- not the amount of hours you put in. A few weeks ago I fixed a $5 million problem by clearing up a misunderstanding with a 90-minute conversation. This 90-minute conversation was way more impactful than the 40-50 hours of work I put in the previous week. There's that John Wooden quote: "Don't mistake activity for achievement." Benchmark your progress towards achieving a 'meaningful life' with impact, not input.

[noxhominis]

Some commentary on the first two Letters from Watson. These are thoughts I had the first time I read the books, and when I reread them later. Feel free to ignore me and my ramblings. Here we go.

The first hint of Holmes being a little bit like me. ADHD? Autistic? Hell if I know. But short concentrated bursts of hyperproductivity and then crashing from that high? Sounds familiar, no?

To be fair, I really want to know the results of his experiments. Holmes is my hero not because he is smart, but because he is just unhinged enough to do the things I am afraid to do because he does not give a damn about societal expectations. I stan one (1) legend.

Are you now, Watson? And what interests you about him? Kinda gay to be interested in your to-be flatmate you just met today.

Oh Watson, you poor innocent neurotypical man. Side note, this was when I realised that hoarding all sorts of information might not be normal.

Why though? He didn't really do or say something that might have made Watson feel uncomfortable with approaching him to ask him about his occupation??? It also made me wonder if I appeared closed off to my friends when I actually did want to be part of the group.

This felt important to me somehow. It might not be music-music, but it was something (not just noise, like BBC showed). For some reason, Sherlock sawing on the violin made me really uncomfortable. Because Holmes might not always be creating works of art, but he is making something and doing it solely based on his feelings. And that is something he rarely does, outside of music and later, Watson.

Holmes! Being! Considerate! Take notes. Another one of the instances that made me feel a deep connection with Holmes. Also this is one of the very few times I wanted to slap Watson. Does he really need to apologise for making music you don't like? What about when you write things he doesn't like, hmm? What then?

The final nail in the coffin, so to speak. This was where I lost myself. So many times I have tried to figure out why Sherlock Holmes feels smart. I think it's partly because he can clearly explain his line of thinking. I have thoughts like these too, and I arrive at conclusions like this. But it's really hard to remember how exactly I arrived there. This part made me go "Same Brain!" and I feel exactly the same, even now.

And that's it. You are all free to ignore this and move on, but I get the feeling that this is how my posts are going to be for quite some time. Ta! See you when the next letter arrives.

[themidrashist]

Character creation

I need to develop some avatar characters. I do believe, on some level (level may vary by character and author), that all characters are avatars for their author. But I've done what is likely thousands of pages of journaling and chronicling of my life, and there tend to be two modes:

recent events: document everything with an autistic level of detail and thoroughness

past events, emotions, other: start with a broad-ranging thesis, end up waxing poetic.

Both sound good in different ways, neither lend themselves to achieving my larger writing project goals. So I need to both have fully fictionalised events and enough emotional distance to let rhetoric take the front seat and me working through my shit take the back. (Even though I think ultimately a more effective project would let me more effectively work through my shit.)

This line of reasoning has occurred to me, repeatedly, for over two decades. This, by the way, says less about my age than it might, because I was unexpectedly young (see: autistic) when I first had it. Except I was also wildly unsuccessful at creating that separation in that initial, dangerously depressed child's project and cry for help. But I forget it and forget writing, and both always pop back, and not always in the same ways (see: ADHD).

So there's nothing for it. I need characters. And this is also, now that I recall back to the very recent past, why I went down the rabbit hole of "need to chart every possible category of human relationship." My poor, covid-adled brain.

I've also come again and again to the "use a simplified DnD character sheet as a guide" idea (I'm extremely confident this isn't original, even though in my case I came up with it alone). I suppose I should do an internet search for other character sheets that probably exist out there, perhaps less battle- and more story-focused.

I know there are things like Campfire, because I do follow a certain Youtuber, but apart from not having money to spare, I think sticking to Tumblr and paper notebooks will suit my particular suite of neurodivergencies best. But also definitely the money thing. I did download the free version once and it was both wonderful and too free form for my untethered thoughts. Which I suppose is one of the things that takes me back to DnD again and again. It has so many flavors of anchors. Though—I could break out the dice and mix-and-match tools meant for different systems...

[eldritch-bf]

Hey, I’m sorry if this comes off as presumptuous or is otherwise unwelcome but I saw your guide on how to represent BPD in fiction and I was wondering if you knew of any sources addressing DPD in particular? I realize you’re not, like, the all-knowing god of personality disorders (I’m not even sure what flavor of despair my bipolar counts as lmao) but dependence was a big thing that came up when I was initially brainstorming for the character and it’s still p significant in his arc throughout the wip. I just don’t want to unknowingly perpetuate anything negative or do that weirdo thing where a character is blatantly coded as something yet the creator doesn’t seem to know (or respect) anything about it and doesn’t commit to it (if that makes any sense). There’s kind of a dearth of resources by those with DPD concerning the experience meant for an outside perspective (and just in general tbh) and I’m not going to intrude in spaces meant for those with DPD. Thanks in advance, and, again, I apologize if this isn’t the type of ask you’re open to.

Writing A Character With DPD + Bonus Comments

Hey! I’m very sorry I never saw a notification for this ask and I have no idea when you sent it.

This is the best source I was able to find that wasn’t ableist or basically said “it’s great to have characters with personality disorders because it makes them ~spicy~”. It goes through the criteria one by one with examples of how this presents in life. It also has “associates features” which are things that aren’t diagnostic criteria but are common in people with DPD.

I will tack this on here since I didn’t cover it myself in my BPD post and nor does the article cover it.

Mitigating Factors To Diagnosis & Treatment

Remember women, queer, BIPOC, and impoverished people (1) face higher rates of incorrect diagnosis or no diagnosis as their doctors are less likely to listen to them or don’t have access to one (2) face higher barriers to seeking treatment whether it be in the form of therapy or medication, either financial or simply because they live far away from a major city wiry adequate medical resources (3) face higher rates of abuse. Mentally ill people face higher rates of abuse and stigmatization in general, and if your character is any combo of the above, those become compounded.

Obviously if your character (I’m speaking generally here for everyone) is a white affluent woman (DPD is more commonly diagnosed in women) she will be more likely to have resources to help her. You could even bring up this disparity casually if she’s in a support group and becomes friends with, say a poor Latina woman from a rural community who has to drive an hour and a half to therapy and didn’t get any help until she was hospitalized after a su*cide attempt, but that’s just my brain spinning ideas.

Combat Stigmatization

I’m also going to talk briefly about stigmatization of mental illness. Depending on the disorder, we are either characterized as (1) inherently violent, abusive, dangerous (Borderlines, Psychotics, Bipolars, Antisocials, Dissociatives, etc.) and often used as an explanation in real life and fodder in movies as serial killers or just the crazy stalker obsessed with the girl next door. or (2) feeble, a burden, hopeless (Depressives, Dependents, Autistics, PTSDs, etc.) or (3) not taken seriously, ignored, fakers (ADHDs, Depressives, Anxious, PTSDs, Anorexics, Bulimics, etc.)

So I would largely recommend as a blanket Do Not make your character fit one of these negative stereotypes in an uncritical way since it contributes to this stigmatization. By uncritical, I mean you can absolutely have a character with DPD feel like they’re a burden to their family or even be directly told they are (even if it’s true or not or that character is just an asshole), but just don’t play into it. Show your character making strides to improvement or how hard they struggle to be better but simply can’t. Not every mentally ill character needs to recover or whatever by the end of the story. I will always have BPD but I’m “recovered” (which is a misnomer) because I’m better at coping. Have asshole characters who think the diagnosis is nonsense. My go to response is “oh do you have a medical degree?”. Etc.

And I always say recovery isn’t an uphill slope, where each time you stumble you start at the bottom again. It’s a cycle of recovery and relapse and each time you might get a little bit better. You may repeat the same mistakes a thousand times. Some people cannot cope effectively and that’s okay. The mentally ill people who matter aren’t just the ones who “recover”.

Final Thoughts

I firmly believe no writer has to have xyz illness in order to write about it. As long as a writer does their research, compassionately portrays the character (not the character having compassion, but you treating your character with compassion), and gets 1-3 people with xyz illness to look over the character summary or a particularly important chapter strongly focusing on the illness, I think you’re fine.

[chisatowo]

One last post before I go to bed, I'm gonna let myself indulge in the comfort media™ and let myself share some things I love abt every main bandori character :]

Kasumi: goddddd starting off with one of the big ones..... She's just so. Yeah. Y'know I remember seeing someone say that she was very easy to read as a character with depression, and tbh I didn't believe them at the time, but after reading through more bandori stories and poppin'party song lyrics, I soooo get it now. Tbh, she might be one of the bandori characters I can relate to the most, and I find a LOT of comfort in her. I also love how much of a flirt she can be, it's very funny.

Arisa: I loooove how much she clearly loves her friends and just..... How they've clearly improved her life so so much and she definitely knows it at least to some degree. I also love her dynamic with nearly every character she interacts with, and she's also just very funny all around

Saya: welp time to go back to my "I have depression and am tired of only getting like 2 flavors of depressed characters in media" chair. Saya is another character that I can deeply relate to, and I think shes genuinely one of the best written bandori characters I love her sm. Also, as I have said with all characters before and all characters since, she is soooo funny strong contender for funniest bandori character imo honestly Saya's sooo underated from a comedy perspective vmfndjfmd

Tae: yes. I like you. What a wonderful silly guy. Tae was actually my original favorite poppin'party member, and tbh for the first lil while she was the only one of their band I was even slightly interested in dndbdjcnshf. I looooove her design a LOT and she also has some of my favorite outfits of the cast, and also again, hee hoo funny

Rimi: I mean, she's ok I guess. Her design is nice, and she's nice I guess, but idk she doesn't rly stand out amongst the crowd. Where's she on my favorites list again? Wait. What do you mean she's my 3rd favorite????? How did this happen?!?!?!?! Ok but in all seriousness though I literally cannot think of a way to properly get across how much I love Rimi. She's like my #1 kin of all time and also just. Idk I literally cannot think of a single thing to say abt her but you have to trust me she's perfect and amazing and I love her.

Ran: ah yes, Ran, my poor little meow meow, the most pathetic wet cat in bandori. I love Ran oh so dearly, I will bully them relentlessly but also I do genuinely find so much comfort in them, they're one of The comfort characters to me. Specifically in relation to my autistic Ran hcs, it's like 65% projection and the only reason it isn't 100% is because I refrained from also giving them my adhd fndjdnsjrnd

Tsugumi: mannnnnn Tsugumi. Tsugumi. Sure is one of the characters ever /pos. I have SO many Tsugumi thoughts, again mostly projection, but also I just. Rly like Tsugumi in general. I think what rly appeals to me abt them is that I can relate to a lot of their feelings of inadequacy, and I can't help but slip and project onto them a lot.

Tomoe: ah yes, one of the first bandori characters outside of Kaoru to get me deeply invested in them. I don't talk abt Tomoe as much as I should tbh, I rly do love her a LOT and she's probably a good 20% of the reason bandori stuck with my like it did. I LOVE her design, and also I just rly like her personality in general. I love how much she tries to look out for the people around her while not always being good at it, and I think I desperately want those glimpses of anxiety from afterglow bs2 to be explored more, which reminds me I should REALLY get to reading afterglow bs3 soon I'll do that at some point

Moca: yeah I guess I like Moca a lil bit. Just a tiny bit. It's only my number one favorite character of all time, no big deal. Anyways, Moca makes my brain feel like a can of bees, it just. Fuck man Moca is so good. Probably one of the best written characters in bandori in my opinion, and just. Man does a lot of Moca's issues hit rly close to home for me. I love pretty much everything abt Moca, but I will never get over Moca's arc, especially the aspects of it abt Moca actually deciding to try and work through its self loathing issues, I think that is probably what hit me the hardest.

Himari: yknow, Himari actually used to be one of the bandori characters I cared abt the least, but she's REALLY grown on me over the past few months. Like she'd probably be the character that grew on me the most since my first impression of them if it weren't for Rimi dnrjfmdgfh. She's another one I have a hard time wording exactly why I like them sm, but I think a big part of it is that she's soooo fun to analyse once you start to dig more into her character. I honestly doubt she was meant to be analysed this heavily, but that will not stop me from wanting to study her under a microscope. Also, my sibling loves her and I associate her with him a lot so that also gives her points

Aya: ah yes, the og poor little meow meow. Aya was the first pastel*palletes member I got rly attached to, and then I though of he/him lesbian Aya hc, and then I started thinking way too hard abt him in general fndirndg. I love how pathetic and sad he is, and I also just. LOVE how he interacts with every one of his bandmates, both from a character dynamic perspective and from a narrative one. Also, he's stupid and I love him

Eve: Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eeeeeeeve. I have many thoughts abt her. She's another one that took me a LONG time to rly get attached to, but man. She's got her hooks in my brain now and I will never stop being pissy by how underutilized she is by both the writers and the fandom fmdbdjfndu. Like don't get me wrong, she's not never utilized, but I think it's fair to say that on the whole she's one of the characters the writers take the least seriously. But back to being positive, I REALLY love how she's just. Such a good foil to Chisato specifically, and I also just love how despite having been burned by the flames of the spotlight before, she still pushes for things to be better, because even if it seems unrealistic, if things could be better then it's worth it to at least try. I've been thinking abt her a lot lately if you couldn't tell fmfkfndjd

Maya: she is simply sooooo autistic and transfem like y'all have no idea. It's honestly amazing how easy it is to read her stories with a trans lense, and I just generally rly like her writing, with like some minor complaints but that's not what this post is abt djdnsjrneg. Also!!! I love her casual wear designs SO much!!!!! She looks so cool and pretty and I just love her design sooooo much. Also I think she and Eve should hold hands

Hina: you. You. YOU. This little fucker makes me feel SO many emotions she is just sooooo autistic and her writing is just. SOOOO good. I can and will talk for soooo long abt her story, just. Man. As a person with both autism and adhd who was often hated or infantised amongst it's friend groups over the years, I can relate to Hina's issues soooo much and her story means so so much to me because of that. Her dynamic with her bandmates is just everything to me, and she also just parallels the others so well, and god pastel*palletes is just so good as a whole

Chisato: why hello there second favorite bandori character. I sure have written a few character analysis things abt you. And by a few I mean a lot. Just..... Man Chisato is genuinely soooo interesting and they might honestly be the most complex character in bandori writing wise. Like even beyond their more obvious complexities, there's a surprising amount of other subtler details of their writing that manages to stay consistent and make a lot of sense with their character. If you've followed me for a decent amount of time you've probably seen at least one of my Chisato character analysis posts, so I don't think I need to go on too long fnfndjrnf

Yukina: shakes her violently /pos. Yukina is another character that I only rly started high key adoring more recently, but I've always liked her quite a lot. She is the second of the poor little meow meow trio among my top ten, and she's just. Such a funny pathetic little guy who I adore. I wish I had more to say abt her, but idk what else to say she's just my poor little meow meow

Rinko: Im sooooo sorry Rinko honey I like never talk abt you but mannnn your design and voice are both soooo pretty and also you have some of the best cards.... Also I personally think she has some of the best dynamics with characters outside of her band of the bunch, and I can't help but be surprised by just how versatile of a character she ended up being. I honestly initially thought she'd be super boring, but she is honestly rly fun to read abt, although I will admit I prefer her in stories not completely centered on her.

Ako: Ako my bestie Ako my beloved. Well first and foremost, she's the owner of my favorite singing voice in bandori, so that's good for her, but also I just rly like how fun she is. Her design, her voice, her personality, she's just a rly fun character and I almost always like seeing her around in any given story. Shes also my siblings favorite character, so bonus points for that.

Sayo: ah yes, the issues haver. Tbh I haven't done as much deep character analysis with her as with other characters, but I still personally rly like Sayo and will defend her to the death from people who overly demonize her. I will refrain from going on that rant though for now, and simply talk abt what I like abt her. She's just. Such a deadbeat loser /pos. Like she's what I mean when I say I want more deadbeat loser fail women in media, she's just such an idiot loser dork and I love her so much for it

Lisa: aaand here's number 5 in my top five. I would go into detail on why I love her but that would get real personal real fast so I'll just summarise it by saying this; whatever is wrong with me and whatever is wrong with her is the same and I want her to see a therapist sooo bad

Kokoro: ohhhhhh Kokoro. My sweet darling Kokoro. I've always rly liked her, and Im glad to because she rly helped put me in the right headspace to analyse bandori characters, because she genuinely is SUCH an interesting character that DOES have layers, but it's just hard to notice if you try to read her stuff like you'd read more long and angst heavy media. Just because she isn't secretly miserable all the time doesn't mean there isn't depth to her, because there genuinely is a lot and I rly like that abt her. She's a very fun character to analyse

Misaki: mannn I love Misaki a lot actually. Like, I feel like shed be the sort of character 14 year old me would rly like, and for once I don't mean that in a bad way fndjdmdjr. She's of course very funny, being both just some guy in a very wacky cast while also being low key also a dumbass but in denial abt it, but I also love how she rly does genuinely love hello happy world. Like, I feel like it's a bit to common to think of Misaki like she hates the band and it's members, but she isn't just a ball of endless negativity and I like to appreciate that now and then since a lot of the fandom doesn't lol

Kanon: ah yes the character I have the worst takes on by far /hj. Well ok its mostly contained in aus but still vdndndjdbd. Not focusing on that though, the more time goes on the more I just. Rly rly like her arc. Like, idk there's something abt how hard she works to not just be more confident, but to be a good person who helps people and lifts them up like Kokoro did with her that I just love a lot. Tbh, it's probably because of those bad takes I mentioned before, since that particular arc stands out a lot more in my mind next to two au versions of her I have in particular that uh. Could rly use those messages fmdjdnsjv. But yeah, I simply think she's neat (<- is holding back just oh so much rn so people don't get mad at it)

Kaoru: ah yes, the beloved of all time. Kaoru is like. The entire reason I first got into bandori so that alone is a pretty big plus rnsjrndy. But also, to get real sappy for a moment, Kaoru's whole thing abt like. Self love and allowing yourself to acknowledge every version of yourself, and understand that they are all deserving of love, it just. Genuinely means so much to me, and I wish I had a story like hers to see when I was younger and going through some very intense self loathing issues. Also gay gay homosexual gay.

Hagumi: the character ever Im tired of everyone pretending she's uninteresting actually!!! Similar with Kokoro, she DOES have a lot of depth, she's just not easy to analyse if you're expecting the stories to spoon feed all her issues to you. Anyways, I love how she manages to be written as a person with a lot of anxiety, which is often worsened by her being very high empathy, but it's not presented in a way that makes it seem like her happiness is pretend. She finds a lot of comfort and confidence in her friends and in hello happy world, and it's hard to tell if you don't know what to look for but she genuinely is doing a lot better now mentally than she was before. I love her very dearly.

Mashiro: I love this dramatic gay loser who only gives off the illusion of not being dramatic because she's an anxious person. First things first, god her design is so fucking pretty man and I loooove her voice sm too.... And also, I rly like how she manages to be a generally kind person while still being kind of an ass sometimes, and I like how that's a thing actively acknowledged by the narrative and how it's something she's trying to improve on, and on that line I like that it's not something that just disappeared after morfonica bs1, it honestly makes her feel like a really well rounded character that actually like. Has to put effort into being better and stuff. Idk I just think she's neat

Rui: love this bastard sm she's just soooo full of issues. Like, I rly rly like how morfonica bs2 brought up that Rui's act of maturity is ultimately just an act, and how because of how much she's just been playing that guessing game of playing adult, she genuinely doesn't know how to deal with any of her emotions, even positive ones. And yet, shes still somewhat aware of how bad it is for her, but doesn't know how to change that or even if she can, and trying to reach for that is scary to her. She didn't just join morfonica to stand around and be mean or whatever, she does genuinely want them to change her mind on there being other options for her other than her cage of "logic", and while she still does have a ways to go, she is making progress.

Tsukushi: firstly, I love her voice and design a lot. Secondly, I just like her man I don't think I could rly tell you why but she's just rly likable to me idk. It might just be me relating to her as a fellow eldest sibling short king™, but I just think she's really relatable and is just funny. Also shes shorter than me so Im legally allowed to make fun of her for being short, ha short

Touko: and the last of the top five, here's my dear ol number 4. Look at me. Look. Look at me. They have so much fucking adhd man like I cannot overstate this enough they have so much adhd I relate to them SO hard and also they're just. So undiagnosed with so many mental issues that I also have so I just legally have to adore them ok

Nanami: bingus my beloved. Her design is just soooooooo pretty man and also kitty faced characters are my favorites design wise so thats many bonus points for her. She also just has sooo much autism, and I also rly rly like her dynamic with Rui. I want to cradle her in my arms like a cat

Layer: and it's time for the last of the poor little meow meow trio, and lemme tell you, Layer is very hard to talk abt for me dnsnsjdnsh. Like I love them so so dearly their my favorite ras member by a long shot but like. Idk what to say other that she's just a deeply pathetic loser and I wanna shove her down a flight of stairs and shake them like a soda can /pos

Pareo: absolutely superb you funky little lesbian. Anyways Pareo is one of the best written characters in this damn game and just. Fuck man after having been in a fandom where 99% of the gay coding was just blatant bigotry, coming into bandori was such a nice fresh breath of air, with Pareo being one of the biggest reasons why. She's a great example of a lesbian coded character that very clearly was intended for sapphic people and was written by sapphic people and is actually written like. Well. Like I was gonna say even if her being a lesbian can't be canonically said, but like she literally has used explicitly romantic language to confess to Chu2 so idk what to tell y'all

Masking: love this lil loser. I find him soooo funny but to be fair that's partially from me just stamping my siblings humor onto him rndjvtndhd. Also, yummy yummy tasty design, probably one of my top favorites tbh. I swear I have more to say abt him but it's 4 am and my brain is melting Im so sorry Masking I love you

Lock: loser idiot loser I like this dork sm. Lock has just sooo many good dynamics with people, with their relationships with Asuka and Ako being my personal favorites, and I also just like their personality in general. Again Id have more to say but it's 4 am Im so sorry sweety

Chu2: I'm gonna try to overpower the exhaustion just a lil bit for this stinky kitty because god damn do I ADORE Chu2. Like, she's another very very strongly adhd coded character in bandori, and also canonically sapphic so that's also cool, but I also rly like her for similar reasons that I like Mashiro, that being that she has issues that she's working on, but shes clearly having to put actual work into it. This is amplified by the fact that she's like 14, and has mostly had to raise herself and doesn't know how to deal with a lot of this stuff on her own, and like. It's ok that she needs support, but I also like that she's not treated like she can just get away with being a shithead all the time, her actions do have consequences and she does realise that. I still need to go check again if ras bs2 has any good fan translations yet soon, I am thrilled by all the concepts in it I've heard of so far. Chu2 demonizers dni /srs

[beerecordings]

(don't mind me projecting lol) autistic jackie is wonderful and i adore him but also imagine jamie with ADHD and rejection sensitive dysphoria??? cause with autism and RSD both can cause people to have trouble understanding how other people percieve them and whether they are liked and vfdjkbgdfsl; i can just imagine jamie trying to hard to earn the boys love even though he already has it because he feels rejected :'(

nooooooo poor boy!!! ahhh but i can totally see that? cause like if we’re talking mbk, JJ’s a messed up kid and there’s a lot of social norms he just doesn’t have. so he gets gently corrected on something simple like eating something with his hands and he’s immediately like humiliated, guilty af, feels like he just got slapped across the face. instantly corrects the behavior and then gets PARANOID about it, like now he never eats something until he’s seen someone else eat it because he can’t be sure if it’s finger food or not finger food and what if Henrik gets mad at him again??? even though Henrik was only ever like “that’s not how we usually eat that, bud, how about a fork?” and he just feels so stupid.

plus if he has ADHD he might be like “I NEED AN IMMEDIATE REWARD FOR WHAT I JUST DID OR MY BRAIN DOES A BAD” and he starts doing like everything in the hopes that one of his brothers will be like “good job!” or give him a hug or something and when they don’t he feels so shitty and unwanted

but his brothers are definitely going to work their fucking tails off to make sure he knows that he’s loved even when they need to ask him to do something differently and that they understand when he gets distracted really easily and that he has their love already, he doesn’t need to work so hard, even if he did mess up they’d still want and love him. and he’s just doing his damnedest to believe that, cause he really really wants to. and over time he sees that they really don’t get angry when he screws up and he’s seeing a therapist and getting a lot of affection from his family and you know what it’s never going to be perfect, but it’s still good. he’s happy. he knows he’s loved - and when his brain freaks out and tells him otherwise, you can catch him sprinting down the stairs to demand affection from the nearest brother, who laughs and scoops him up into a big warm hug and tells him they love him and watches Downton Abbey with him with a bunch of blankets until the world is feeling at least a little less awful

[franklyautistic]

Gatekeeping neurodiversity is artificial, socially constructed, and subjective

In modern progressive thought, there are two co-existing ways of looking at atypical brains:

1) Mental illness

2) Neurodiversity

The orthodoxy is that mental illness is bad, while neurodiversity is good.

How do we define mental illness? Well, for starters, do we even? The WHO, for example, prefers the term “mental disorders”, defined:

Mental disorders comprise a broad range of problems, with different symptoms. However, they are generally characterized by some combination of abnormal thoughts, emotions, behaviour and relationships with others. Examples are schizophrenia, depression, intellectual disabilities and disorders due to drug abuse. Most of these disorders can be successfully treated.

The charity Mind also does not use the phrase “mental illness”, instead defaulting to “mental health problems”. For their part, they say:

In many ways, mental health is just like physical health: everybody has it and we need to take care of it.Good mental health means being generally able to think, feel and react in the ways that you need and want to live your life. But if you go through a period of poor mental health you might find the ways you're frequently thinking, feeling or reacting become difficult, or even impossible, to cope with. This can feel just as bad as a physical illness, or even worse.

So mental health issues, or mental disorders, involve:

Some combination of abnormal thoughts, emotions, behaviour and relationships with others.

The ways you frequently think, feel, or react become difficult or even impossible to cope with.

Mental health is changeable - you can go through periods of good or bad mental health.

By contrast, neurodiversity is defined by academic Nick Walker as follows:

Neurodiversity is an essential form of human diversity. The idea that there is one “normal” or “healthy” type of brain or mind or one “right” style of neurocognitive functioning, is no more valid than the idea that there is one “normal” or “right” gender, race or culture.

The classification of neurodivergence (e.g. autism, ADHD, dyslexia, bipolarity) as medical/psychiatric pathology has no valid scientific basis , and instead reflects cultural prejudice and oppresses those labeled as such.

The social dynamics around neurodiversity are similar to the dynamics that manifest around other forms of human diversity. These dynamics include unequal distribution of social power; conversely, when embraced, diversity can act as a source of creative potential.

(My formatting)

Now note that Walker’s definition doesn’t create a harsh separation between “neurodivergence” and “mental illness”. Indeed, it specifically includes a condition - bipolarity - which most people would happily class as a mental illness.

Of course, Walker isn’t the oracle of truth - he has informed opinions, but they’re just opinions, and his definition is a statement of what he considers the best definition to be, rather than a worked explanation of how he came to that definition. So, how could we separate neurodiversity from poor mental health?

First, I recently raised this question with someone who said the answer was that mental health is “not neurological”. This is not true. Depression, for example, has a big impact on your neural development, and our most effective treatments involve messing around with neurotransmitters. Your mind is entirely neurological, therefore your mental health is entirely neurological.

Second, the notion that mental illness is a thing you don’t want, while neurodiversity is a thing you do want. But some people dislike being autistic, ADHD, dyslexic, or dyspraxic, and those are supposed to be the friendly faces of neurodiversity. Meanwhile, there are plenty of people who embrace being bipolar, OCD, schizophrenic, and even depressed or anxious.

Third, the idea that neurodiversity involves talents, gifts, or valuable alternative viewpoints, while mental illness does not. Again, this quickly runs into trouble. For starters, an extreme version expects neurodivergent people to have wonderful abilities like Stephen Wiltshire. This is both untrue, and somewhat patronising. Neurodiversity is ordinary. But moreover, many conditions often deemed mental illnesses once again can come with advantages. A friend of mine with anxiety says that although she sometimes finds it unpleasant, she’s glad she has anxiety as she feels it motivates her to be nicer to other people. This is not my personal experience of anxiety, but her viewpoint is just as valid. The same clichés you hear about autistic people also apply to schizophrenics - famous schizophrenics include Jack Kerouac, Syd Barrett and John Nash, and probably Vincent Van Gogh, and in all cases their condition is routinely associated with their talent. Kanye West calls being bipolar his “superpower”.

Fourth, the idea that neurodiversity is permanent whereas mental illness is transient. Again, this doesn’t work. Many mental illnesses are not transient. As with autism, most mental illnesses have genetic components. And would we not class someone who became autistic due to a brain injury as “neurodiverse”?

Fifth, the idea that we can determine what is an “illness” and what is merely a “condition” by leaving it to psychiatrists or other professionals. Alas, we can’t - they routinely get it wrong. Diagnosis with a “mental illness”, a neurodivergence, or nothing at all is very much dependent on when and where you live. This is not meant to knock psychiatrists by any means, but we should not pretend that they are objective - they know a lot, but the founding purpose of the neurodiversity movement was to push back against common psychiatric assumptions.

I will skip over, for now, neurodegenerative conditions such as MS, ME, or dementia, but please do bear them in mind.

So, what definitions might work?

Well, try these on for size:

- Conditions are always neurodiversity. Neurodivergence is always good, but sometimes an individual will be distressed by one or more symptoms arising due to that neurodivergence and will seek treatment for those symptoms. Sometimes those symptoms could be understood as mental health difficulties.

or:

- A person can use neurodivergence and mental illness as they feel is appropriate to refer to themselves. Maybe they’re a person with chronic depression who is nonetheless glad they have a mind prone to depression. Maybe they have ADHD and want it cured. Maybe those two people are the same person. We, the neurodiversity community, should not gatekeep who gets to be part of our community.  

What I’m suggesting is that, just as race, sexuality, and gender can be understood as social constructs, so too can the divide between “good neurodiversity” and “bad mental illness”.

[johnemillaisarchive]

Here’s an easy to understand ‘ADHD for dummies’ because I made gifsets about it and people either think 'this must be an autistic thing' or say it’s not true and boy am I bothered.

ADHD stands for Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder. And it’s a bad name. It’s a neurodevelopmental disorder like autism and dyslexia. They share overlapping symptoms and some people even have two or more disorders. But they’re not the same. But they have similar symptoms. But they’re not the same.

There’s three types: 1. Inattentive 2. Hyperactive 3. Combined.

Everyone can relate to some traits and symptoms. Not everyone has it. No, just because you like to run or forget something from time to time or get distracted once doesn’t mean you have it. [Girls are under-diagnosed, it in general is over-diagnosed, especially with boys.]

What ADHD is/affects: - Impaired cognitive control/executive functions. It affects: Attentional control/cognitive inhibition (attention), inhibitory control (impulsivity), working memory (forgetfulness/remembering), cognitive flexibility (thinking). - Dopamine deficit. We don’t have enough receptors (the things that receive the message that you’re having fun) which means we have to do at least twice the fun to get a reward. That’s why we really really like this thing this month (special interests). This is also why we procrastinate a lot. Doing that thing isn’t exciting, so we do another thing instead. - Emotional Regulation/Dysregulation: We don’t know how to process and regulate that feeling we’re having. Calming down is hard when you’re impulsive your attentional control is all over the place. It’s like having the emotions from Inside Out in your brain except they’re always on a lunch break. - Emotional impulsivity: We didn’t mean to get angry or say that thing or do that thing. Our Anterior Cingulate Cortex doesn’t work very well. (That’s what allows you to “think before you act” and is kind of connected to the part in charge of emotions and cognition. You know, the things we have trouble with.) - Social everything!: We have trouble keeping friendships, relationships, we develop social anxiety, don’t know when the right time is which can ruin everything. And sometimes difficulty reading social cues. All of this can lead to Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria which is the perspective (not always reality, not always imaginative) of rejection and sometimes failure. RSD can lead to depression. - Circadian rhythm: That’s the internal clock that tells you when it’s time to go to sleep with the help of melatonin (what makes you sleepy). Our clocks have a different rhythm than others which is why we tend to be more awake and active at night.  - Time Perception (blindness): Because of low dopamine levels and the internal clock being off, we have trouble perceiving time passing. Time is either very slow (when we’re bored) or very quick (during hyperfocus). 

Fidget Spinners: They’re important for some of us. It’s not a toy, it helps. The class bans on fidget spinners made me so upset for kids who actually need them to get through a class. It’s not a trend. Stop it.

Representation: In the media: I hate Dr Phil and Dr. Oz. I hate it when most talk shows talk about it. 99% of the time they’re wrong and reduce us to stereotypes and/or violent and mean creatures. Don’t trust them. On screen and literature: A lot of people on this website relate to characters from YA books I haven’t read so I can’t speak for them. I haven’t read Percy Jackson & Co and it doesn’t interest me but a lot of people seem to think it’s good rep. You do you. The TV shows/Films that I know have some characters (the ones in this list) are, in my opinion, badly written. It’s lazy to say your character has ADHD then only give them stereotypical symptoms to then forget about the illness. It’s bad to not give us proper representation of what we actually go through because sure, we get distracted, we need to move, we fidget, but it’s so much more than that. Those things don’t even cover a fraction of it.  - Here’s a list of my personal favourite characters I think are good representation of the daily struggle and don’t canonly have ADHD: Dirk Gently (BBCA’s Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency), Neville Longbottom (Harry Potter), Rosencrantz and Guildenstern [the two combined] (Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead, Hamlet), Spongebob (Spongebob Squarepants), Rudge (The History Boys), Nikolai Rostov (War & Peace), Henry (The Book of Henry), Luke Skywalker (Star Wars), Charlie Dalton (Dead Poets Society) - Here’s a list of characters I’ve heard people headcanon as ADHD because I know my faves won’t do for everyone: Diana Prince (Wonder Woman), Belle (Beauty & the Beast), Tony Stark & Pietro Maximoff (Marvel), Richie Tozier (It 2017), Harry Potter, all or most of the Marauders (Harry Potter), Fox Mulder (The X Files), Grantaire (Les Miserables)

What this all means: It’s not because of bad parenting, it’s not because we’re lazy or mean, it’s not because we want to procrastinate it’s just that we don’t find the task interesting enough to pay attention to it. We either think about too many things at once or only focus on one thing (hyperfocus). Having ADHD feels like your brain never stops running and there’s no off button. We’re simultaneously fast and poor thinkers; we can connect things easily, sometimes we can’t see any connection at all. I’ve probably forgotten so many things in this post but you can ask me questions or tell me if I’ve forgotten anything.

[metronomeihear]

Please Listen

I’m not sure how many of you know this, and I’m not sure how many of you care, but I’m sick.

I have a genetic disorder called CIRS that makes me sensitive to things in my environment, things like mold. A few years ago, I was exposed to black mold growing in my bedroom, mold that got there as a result of the bathroom above my room having a leak. My illness causes all sorts of havoc on my body, including swelling in my brain, inflammation in my joints and ribs, and imbalances in my hormones. As a result, I have days where I’m in so much pain where I can’t breathe (though those are thankfully far and few between), issues with long term and short term memory, and what has been dubbed “brain fog.” (Essentially it’s making really stupid and strange decisions that seem logical at the time, but in reality aren’t. Things like putting your cell phone in the fridge instead of the milk. You know you’re supposed to put something in the fridge, it just doesn’t quite click that it’s supposed to be the milk and not your phone). 

My entire family has this illness. It’s a strange twist of fate that both my parents have the genes, and thus all my siblings and I have it too. Of the five of us, my mother easily has it the worst. She got ill before I was born, and got worse when I was very young, and I can remember a period of my life where I was lucky if I saw her outside of her room more than once every few weeks. She is better now that she’s getting proper treatment, but she’s still the most ill. 

After her, I am probably the most sick person in my family. I have issues with my hands when I try to type for long periods of time, or if I try to do things like hold a game controller for more than a few hours. My ribs have flare ups, usually minor flare ups that aren’t much more than an annoyance (though they have gotten bad enough that I couldn’t do much more than lay there and hope the pain meds would kick in soon). I get headaches often and I’m prone to migraines. I am physically incapable of standing for more than 10 minutes at a time without having to sit down. I have issues with remembering names, places, things that have been asked of me, and things that I have done before. I can’t remember what I had for dinner yesterday, and I once couldn’t remembering the name of my first boyfriend, not even three months after we broke up. I am incapable of telling how much time has passed since an incident occurred, prone to dizzy spells, and often make poor decisions due to brain fog. Despite all of this, I have been told that I do not look sick.

I am not asking for pity. I am not asking you do donate to a fund, or to message a politician, or start a war.

 I have a story to tell and I am asking for you to listen.

My mother once told me a story about the time she had gall stones. I don’t remember the specifics of the story, and the specifics don’t truly matter in this case, but the story went something like this:

My mother woke one night from a bout of really intense pain. This was before I was born, back when it was just my mother and my father living just across the street from my grandparents. She woke up next to my father, who was still sleeping, and she just breathed. She breathed through the pain until it went away, and then went back to sleep. That was the end of it. Only the pain kept coming back. It would always fade after a short while, so whenever it happened, by mother would just breathe through it until it did. My father was worried, however, and insisted my mother go to a doctor. They described the incidents to the doctor, and the doctor prescribed some pain meds and sent my mother home. “It’s just gas,” he said, “It will pass.” Only it didn’t. Eventually, my mother was hit by a bout of pain so intense my father drove her to the emergency room, where they found out that the pain was a result of my mother passing gall stones.

Gall stones have been described as one of the most painful things a person can ever experience. There have been people who, when they pass them, cannot do much more than scream. My mother, on the other hand, simply got up and continued with her day. This was because she was already used to pain.

It’s not because my father is abusive or anything like that--that couldn’t be farther from the truth. It’s that genetic illness I mentioned earlier. That was the cause of her pain, though at the time everyone thought it was the result of Arthritis, rather than CIRS. She was used enough to pain that passing gall stones simply didn’t bother her until she tried to pass one that was too large for her to do so. 

It’s truly ridiculous what a person can get used to. I saw a study once that tested how long it would take for a person to get used to seeing the entire world upside down. It took them only three days before they were functioning normally. It was the same after the glasses they were wearing to flip their view was taken off. Only three days to get used to your vision being flipped.

Because my mother was as used to pain as she was, the doctor she visited misdiagnosed her. Because I am as used to pain as I am, and because my illness does not affect my appearance, people do not believe I am sick. Not unless I’m having a really bad day, where everything hurts, and even then I might not be believed. 

I'm in college. At the college I attend, there is an office for the disabled and I went there to get forms to fill out to help me make it through the semester. I was feeling fairly good that day, so I left my cane at home, and as a result the people working in that office did not believe I was sick. They didn’t say anything, but I could see the disbelief in their faces, and when I looked back after leaving, I saw them shooting glances at me and whispering. Other than that, I have been told, to my face, that I do not look sick.

And why would I? I have good days and bad days. I rarely leave my home anymore, mostly because I can’t walk very far and there isn’t much for me to do that doesn't involve a lot of walking or being in a building that potentially has mold in it. When I’m out and about and I don’t have my cane with me, there’s no sign that I’m ill. No sign. But I am. And if you looked at my home, you’d see that.

We have a counter in the kitchen that’s dedicated solely to supplements and medicine. We have boxes upon boxes of syringes and saline and needles and medicine. We have an oxygen machine because sometimes our brains don’t get enough so we need the extra help. We take pills at every meal, pills after we wake up, and pills to go to sleep. We eat special diets because our stomachs can’t handle regular, commercial food. We attend online schools because the last time that I attended a normal school, there was an issue with the air vents in my math classroom that triggered my illness so bad that I was down for two days after entering that room. I was pulled from school after that incident.

I compare it to mental illnesses in my head sometimes. To things like depression. I know a lot about mental illnesses, too, because that’s something my family suffers from as well. My brother is autistic. My sister has ADHD. Both my mother and I suffer from chronic depression. We look perfectly fine, and so often people just don’t believe us when we say that we feel these things, when in reality it’s all very real.

I live in fear that one day our insurance won’t be enough to cover the medicine we need. Already it’s approaching that point. We have to focus on what we can treat and what we can’t for no other reason than the insurance can’t cover everything and we can’t afford to pay out of pocket. I live in America, and I really hate the American medical pricing, because everything is ridiculously over priced and it’s literately something that’s killing my family slowly. I live in fear that one day one of my siblings will be exposed to something really bad and get just as sick as I am, or worse, just as sick as my mother is. I live in fear that my father will go to work in a building that’s mold infested, and come home every day sicker than the last because he doesn’t have a choice. He’s been out of the job for months now, and tonight we celebrated because he finally found one again, just as we were starting to wonder if we were going to lose our house. It doesn’t matter if the building he’s going to work in now might be mold infested, because we don’t have a choice. This is the only job he can have. The only job in months of searching that would accept him. And if he raises a fuss, they can drop him just like that. That’s what the last place he worked at did, after all.

(Fuck you, Intel. Seriously, fuck you.)

I’m not sure why I’m writing this out. Maybe it’s because that’s how I deal with things. I write. I write poetry dedicated to sunsets that sound like suicide notes. I write stories were the main character burned to death in her last life, and suffers from PTSD as a result. I write stories were boys walk to their deaths and nothing can stop them. I write stories were people suffer and hurt and struggle and fail. I write long rants that I never post anywhere because I’m afraid of what people would say if they read them. I write and I write and I write until it doesn’t hurt anymore.

I write stories were those people pick themselves back up. I write stories were the outcasts find family and friends. I write stories where the nightmares that haunt them become easier to bare because a friend is there when they wake up. I write stories where the suicidal boy finds someone to catch them. I write stories were people, normal people just like me, find home and happiness and safety. I write long rants to give to my parents to say the things I can’t bring myself to physically open my moth and say out loud. Things like how sometimes I feel like I’m falling apart trying to keep everything together when it seems like everything is crashing down around me. Things like how frustrating it is to not know how to help my brother with his homework because he thinks differently than I do. Things like how much it hurts to hear that my sister can’t force herself to say “I love you,” and “Good night,” when I go to greet her before bed. 

I love my life. I love my family more than I can say and I have never been more grateful for anything than how loving and supportive they are of me and my interests. I love the friends I have made on this website, as few and far between as they are, and I love that I’m finding people to talk to on Discord who share my interests. I love that the people I meet are so supportive of me, who call me strong for being able to talk and write about when I was suicidal when there are days when I feel like the weakest person on the planet. I have been to Yosemite and seen a deer walk right up to my table, so close I could almost touch it. I have seen water falls and sunrises on mountains and the ocean from high up in a plane. I have visited my grandparents in another country half way across the world to celebrate their 80th birthday, and walked a beach in Hawaii at night, my feet in water that felt so warm. I never get hateful reviews on my stories, the worst review I’ve ever gotten on a story I’ve written being a short comment about hating yaoi. I’ve been thanked for the things I’ve written, been told I brought them hope with what I’ve written. “Writing this chapter was an act of bravery I’ll never forget.”  A reviewer once wrote that in a chapter I wrote about a suicidal character, and I remember just staring at that review and smiling so hard my cheeks hurt. I remember getting a review once, only two words long, that read “Thank you,” and bursting out crying because I’d had a really shitty day up to that point and that review--I’m not sure how to describe it. It made my day, made me think that everything I am doing, all the things I am struggling with, are worth it, and that feeling is something priceless, something precious. 

And then there’s today. Today has not been one of my good days. I woke up with minor aches and pains, pain that was worse than what I usually feel on a day to day basis, but nothing too bad. I posted another chapter of a drabble series I’m working on, a funny series that’s something like 90% crack with how ridiculous it is. I went on with my day, browsed through tumblr and rebloged everything that caught my eye. I worked on school work, got distracted, and worked on it some more. My pain got worse however, and it hurts to type right now. I’ve taken my pain meds, and they’ve taken the edge off of things, but it still hurts. My family noticed this. 

Today we were celebrating. My dad finally got a job, so we were having ribs and freshly dug up sweet potato and red wine. It was delicious, but it hurt for me to get up and out of the chair, and I couldn’t cut the meat properly without a steak knife because my hands hurt too much. After we were finished eating, and I put my plate on the counter to be washed, my father opened his arms for a hug, and he told me he was sorry.

He said to me, “I’m sorry you’re in so much pain.” I told him it wasn’t his fault. And he said to me, “Yes it is. And I’m sorry.”

And I wanted to take him by the shoulders and shake him until he understood that it wasn’t his fault, that it wasn’t anyone's fault, and that the only reason this family was still going was because he has been working so hard for all of us, when anyone else would have left a long, long time ago.

I am frustrated. I am so, so frustrated.

I don’t know why I’m writing this. I don’t know why I’m posting this. It’s not going to change the fact that I’m sick. It’s not going to change the fact that our insurance sucks and the leader of the country I live in wants to take away even that. It’s not going to change the fact that my father feels guilty for something that’s not his fault, and it’s not going to change any of the problems my family faces. 

But I want to. I want people to know that there are people like me out there, who suffer for reasons beyond their control. I want people to know that not every person you speak to has a perfect life, and someone who looks healthy could be dying right in front of you. I want people to consider people like me when they vote, to not throw us under the bus just because we’re a minority, or because our voices aren’t loud enough, or because our issues aren’t as public and well known as other issues are.

I want people to listen to me when I say I’m sick.

[rosebonbonetchocolat-blog]

could it be aspergers? or autism?

One time my sister invited me to one of her friend’s house party/get together. She spent the whole time there observing me and i had no idea, she observed how i talked, how i walked, what i said, how i said it,etc. When we came back home she told me about it and gave me a rundown on all the “weird” things i had done, all the not so greats, the inappropriate,etc. 

She’s really great but i feel like she’s always had to explain to me/ coach me on how to be “normal” around others. It comes from a nice place, but it always makes me feel like something is wrong with me, more than usual. Just when i start feeling like “hey this is who i am, take it or leave it”, these kinds of conversations with family members happen. 

When i was young my parents told me that i had “no personality” and that’s why i had no friends. Since then i just started observing and copying a specific person or actually a few specific people. 

I always loose friends because i have “no tact”. I always ask my friends to let me know when i do or say something that upsets them, or hurts them because i can never tell. If someone says everything is good, i believe it, then someone gets frustrated with me because “obviously i was mad at you”.

 Also, most of the time people who seemed to really like me just stop being my friends out of the blue, it’s almost like i’m always wondering when someone is gonna get tired of me or when i’m gonna be too “out of character” and they realize how “weird” i am. I really, really can’t “read between the lines” or get that someone is “just kidding” a lot of the time, i never know if i am supposed to believe someone or not (because too often i do and then i get laughed at). I can’t read social cues, or people’s body language ( at this point i just try to stay quiet and not open up too quickly). 

But i do have an issue with talking, i’ll either be super quiet (which i think is because i can’t talk around most people cz i get laughed at, and ridiculed a lot so i just learnt that it’s best to act like i have nothing to say at all because i really don’t know what is ok to say and what isn’t) but when i feel comfortable around someone i just don’t shut up, and it’s bad because i will be talking about 1 thing non-stop and i can see the other person getting annoyed and yet i keep talking about it and then i stop myself and just go completely silent, and if i start talking again i somehow go back to that subject again...and get on my own nerves?!

I can’t stand to be touched, especially by certain family members. Now this is weird, because in my not so amazing dating life, there was one guy that i really didn’t mind when he touched me ( well kinda, because it felt nice, but it also gave me panic attacks so it’s hard to understand), but my mom still can’t let go of the fact that i don’t want to hug her or randomly put her hand anywhere on me. 

I’ve always been a very picky eater. When i was a kid, i would get hungry but i hated food. I was always underweight and my family doctor was always concerned and told my parents they should force me to eat. The texture of food usually was what i couldn’t stand, with years i have become used to a slightly bigger variety, but at the end of the day i have one thing that i enjoy eating and it’s very problematic cz it’s not healthy and it’s all i ever want to it. Everything else is almost a chore.

In my house i am referred to as the “vampire” or “zombie”, my room is always pretty dark and i always close the curtains. I can’t stand when it’s too bright, it seems to make everyone else so happy but it makes me cringe. And i swear sometimes it’s like i have super hearing because i can hear you chew in another room and it’s extremely annoying. I have moments where people breathing, tapping their foot, chewing, talking, sneezing...gets me so aggravated. I have had “anger fits” about it in the past where i would start to yell and just be in a rage. But now i just distance myself, and try to ignore when i am being called rude, mean and many other things for distancing myself and wanting to be alone. 

I feel things very intensely, i’m always surprised at how other people feel so little, and how they deal with their emotions so well, it’s like some sort of control system that wasn’t installed in my brain.

I have a hard time processing information, i guess i’m slow, i know i’m smart...which i couldn’t really explain that to you like why do i feel like i’m smart when everything kind of indicates that i’m not..well i don’t know...but yeah what was i even saying, so i have trouble processing A and B and C and making it all make sense. And i could never explain anything to anyone, ever. Funny story, i used to work in a call centre and i had a call where i was talking to this customer about our payment methods and i thought it was all going great until she started yelling and cursing and then hung up on me. My supervisor later  listened to the call with me to “help” me get better (poor dude he really tried so hard to make me good at that job) i was explaining things to her, and for me it all made sense because A=Z and H=G but Z is related to G and you don’t need H anyway...He was breaking down what i was doing wrong in my explanation. He basically told me that i don’t explain things in a “linear” but that that’s how people think so how was that lady supposed to understand me? and i’m just sitting there like what do you mean it’s how people think? 

Anyways i’m just talking to myself endlessly in this post, i don’t even remember why i started it in the first place. But i have been wondering for a while if i might be autistic, and i know i have ADHD, and sometimes those two are like neighbours that share land but don’t put up a fence and their kids get confused on who’s house is where.

If you read this, i’m really sorry cz it’s long and confusing and boring and maybe annoying and probably very pointless so i’m sorry about that.

[infinitegrowthpage]

The is a test to see if a girl or woman has Asperger Syndrome

We are failing to diagnose girls and women on the autism spectrum at such an incredible rate that some scientists think there is not a large gap between the number of males and females with Asperger syndrome – we just need to start diagnosing more competently. And this is urgent, because all people with Aspergers have a high rate of suicide, but it’s really high for women, and as a woman who was relieved to discover I have Aspergers, I’m on a mission to help. 

The best way to figure out if a woman or girl has Aspergers  is to think in terms of categorizing people on a spectrum. On one end of the spectrum are super-social cheerleader fun-fun types whose emotional intelligence is super high. On the other end of the spectrum are the Albert Einstein types with very low emotional intelligence. Next to Albert Einstein types are typical males and next to typical males are typical females and then come the cheerleaders.

In this spectrum, Albert Einstein has Aspergers. And generally, when we wonder if someone has Aspergers, we compare that person to Einstein. (Or Sheldon on Big Bang theory or whoever your benchmark is.) Everyone else is somewhere on the spectrum either one, two, or three steps removed from the terrible emotional intelligence of someone with Aspergers.

But that picture only works for diagnosing men or boys with Aspergers. Women don’t function like men who have Aspergers. Women with Aspergers function like typical men. A way to think about this is that Aspergers  shifts you down the spectrum one spot, to the next group. (This is called the extreme male brain theory of autism it is widely accepted.)

Standing out from the other girls. “The only girl to…”  is a common refrain. Or taking classes with all boys. Being an outlier for gender is risk factor for Aspergers. Do not judge a girl by how similar she is to boys with Aspergers. Look at how similar she is to other girls. The conflict between autism spectrum conditions and traditional feminine identity is the biggest clue we have when it comes to diagnosis. For example, I have vivid grade-school memories of being the only girl to play kickball at recess. Every day.

Good at math. This means good at math compared to other girls. The president of Harvard said the outstanding mathematicians are usually men. He is not wrong. Math and autism go together. So it makes sense that girls with Aspergers will be as good at math as math-smart neurotypical boys. And the boys with Aspergers will be the math gods.

Anxiety disorder. Unlike boys, girls with Aspergers can camouflage when they are younger. And people are likely to say their daughter is “a little different but totally fine”. But we need to redefine what it “totally fine,” because camouflage gets increasingly difficult as girls age: first it becomes a exhausting, and then it becomes an anxiety disorder. My life is 100 times more manageable because I take medicine for anxiety, and this is true of most women with Aspergers.

Eating disorder. Most eating disorders start as an extension of a sensory processing disorder and/or OCD. Both these disorders are common for people on the autistic spectrum. But eating disorders are especially prevalent in girls with Aspergers. Even as we are under diagnosing girls with Aspergers, we know 20% of girls with eating disorders have Aspergers.

ADD or ADHD. Girls with Aspergers don’t look like they have ADD because they look like neurotypical boys. Even the teachers miss it. But look at attention levels compared to other girls. Most girls have longer attention spans than boys do. It’s not until puberty that boys catch up. Girls who look like they are “just being kids” is not okay. Girls need to look like they are “just being girls”.

Hyperlexia. Most girls with Aspergers love to read. Learning to read at age 2 or 3 is often a sign of hyperlexia. It’s related to Aspergers and it comes from a fascination with letters and outstanding ability to decode language. This is not good for any child, because at that age the brain needs to develop social skills patterning instead.

In my son’s classroom of autistic 3 year olds, all of the kids could read, and the classroom did not have any books with words in order to encourage social skill development. A gifted child only reads as much as she is able to understand – because otherwise it’s just a puzzle. A hyperlexic child will read even if she does not understand what she’s reading.

Dyslexia. Girls with Aspergers usually love to read but are not very good at reading. Dyslexia, often means you can read but comprehension is low. so girls with Aspergers who have dyslexia can pass most reading tests because a high IQ can mask poor reading comprehension. Reading books below grade level, rereading books, and reading series books are all ways girls deal with dyslexia.

Gender dysphoria. Studies show a high occurrence of gender disorder in autistic populations. For girls with Aspergers this issue is especially prevalent because thinking like neurotypical boys is already happening via Aspergers.

Refusal to cross the midline. This is walking before you crawl. In an older kid it looks like being clumsy. Or maybe impressively clumsy which we mistakenly label ambidextrous. Or it looks like having perfect posture which parents might celebrate girl rather than see as a sign.

Sexually abused as a child or teen. Girls with Aspergers do not read danger signs as well as neurotypical girls which makes girls with Aspergers much more likely to get into a situation that is bad for them. While the girl with Aspergers will think she’s acting within the realm of normal, a predator looking for a target will see the abnormality as an inviting sign.

Work in the sex industry. Women with Aspergers are undaunted by cultural norms of sexual behavior because understanding cultural norms is a social skill. Feeling embarrassment is also a social skill, so the sex industry doesn’t feel as emotional risky to women who have Aspergers. Also, the workplace is appealing because its easier to get the unofficial list of social rules in the sex industry than it is in a typical workplace.  In my first book I wrote about how I tried to be a sex worker, and now I understand that I couldn’t get someone to hire me because I never looked like I understood the rules.

Having mother or paternal grandmother with these traits.  Or having a mother who is white, college educated and raising children alone – that is, did not remarry after the loss of a partner. (Only 2% of white, college educated women get divorced, but pretty much all moms except those with Aspergers find a new partner after a divorce.)

Having a weird laugh. Women laugh more than men. And for women laughter is a way to identify themselves as good partners. It’s a social skill. Women with Aspergers have a hard time figuring out how to use a laugh; often they choose not to laugh or they laugh in a stilted or uncomfortable way. Which makes me wonder if you thought the ribbons in the photo up top are funny and appropriate for this post, or if you thought they were offensive. I wanted to buy them to hang on my wall. But I worried that neurotypical people would not like them, so I hung them in a post about Aspergers instead.

The is a test to see if a girl or woman has Asperger Syndrome published first on https://dataentrytestpro.tumblr.com/

[disabilitythinking]

Disability & Food: Results and Conclusions

120 people completed my online Disability & Food survey. That's a pretty good number, and the final results look pretty much the same as they have looked all along, which suggests they aren't just random. I don't know that I have any stunning conclusions, but let's see the results and explore what they might mean.

Question 1 "How often do you have the following kinds of meals?"

Results:

Home prepared and cooked (strongly weighted) Cooked and prepared by someone else Frozen dinners Home delivery or take-out Eating out at restaurants School, college, or workplace cafeteria Meal kits by mail Meals provided in a residential facility

Respondent comments:

Home prepared once & ate for a few days like lasagna- often

Eat what's ready: fruit, chips, etc. Also try to cook batch like soup, stew, etc that'll last for days. I forget to eat & cooking for 1 when can only eat 1/2 cup at a time takes more energy & pain than it's worth.

I live alone.

Medical Formula, by mail

I work at a restaurant and very often scrounge from food orders that were messed up or good that is made specifically for the crew to eat. Plus I get an employee discount. But then there are days when I am too tired mentally/physically or in too much pain to expend energy making something myself. I really need to invest in a good delivery service. Recently I've invested in a business that will send you meal cups in the mail (like 24 at a time) and you just need to add water. I got them thru Amazon. I know I spend too much money on eating out but it often simplifies things, as well as cleanup.

My partner does the cooking now that my physical health has deteriorated further.

The majority of what I eat is probably "snack" food. My condition uses up a lot of salt, so I eat a lot of salty potato chips and gatorade. Otherwise it's stuff I can either open up and eat directly (cheese sticks, canned olives, jerky, etc) or stuff that requires a quick zap in the microwave (pre-cooked sausages, gluten-free corn dogs, leftovers from a restaurant, etc)

I am celiac, so I prepare most of my own food so that I do not get gluten-ed.

I frequently eat shelf-stable food that doesn't need to be refrigerated because I know that sometimes I won't be able to leave my room. So I stock up on things like granola bars and beef jerky a lot of the time.

What I can and can't eat, and thus how my food must be processed and prepared, is a huge part of my disability. I eat "frozen dinners" and packets of things I can heat in the microwave, but they all have to be prepared in my home from scratch, a few exceptions of specific brands of things in cans or boxes.

Only recently started cooking at home so much -- started treatment for my undiagnosed ADHD in November at age 45. Now I can more easily plan to cook and get the right items purchased in advance, and make time to prepare it. I've wasted a lot of emotions and food over the years on good intentions and poor implementation.

Refrigerated, microwaveable meals Microwaveable boxed pantry meals

i mostly eat food that i get from the grocery store and that comes out of the package edible... like bread. or fruit. everything else, i cannot prepare

I get the majority of my groceries via grocery delivery service. I assumed that counts as home delivery but wasn't sure. That being said, while I do my own cooking, my mobility tends to dictate how elaborate my meal will be. Not that my meals are really that elaborate lol but how much spoon / labor will be involved. For an example, my kitchen is not fully wheelchair accessible, and so if I want to reach certain cabinets etc., I need to be able to get up out of my chair. So there are times, I just don't have access to certain foods in my kitchen and will eat whatever I can reach. For this reason, I very very rarely use the stove. Me and the oven are BFFs though lol

Thoughts:

I was surprised to see home preparation and cooking pretty far in the lead. I guess I assumed that disabled people would be less likely to do their own home cooking than most.

If you look a little deeper, you see that even though home cooking came out on top, only 40% say they do it all or most of the time, and most respondents seem to rely on a roughly even mix of home cooking, cooking done by someone else, frozen dinners, and delivery / take-out.

Several respondents note in their comments that they rely heavily on home cooking because of very specific dietary needs related to their disabilities. This is a wrinkle that I had not anticipated at all, probably because I have never had any health or allergy-related food restrictions myself. Nor am I a vegetarian. In fact, I've only recently started to think much at all about the quality or healthiness of my diet. I'm not sure if that's a privilege or a liability.

One thing that promoted me to set up this survey is the recent popularity ... at least in the media I consume ... of home delivered meal kit subscriptions, like Blue Apron and Hello Fresh. So, it's interesting that this option got the next to lowest score of the 8 options I offered. Maybe it's the high cost. For me, it's because the recipes all sound too fancy and hipster for my tastes. In all of the ads I've heard for these services, I have never yet heard a described recipe that sounded appetizing to me. Besides, they sound convenient, but probably still require a lot of labor before you can actually chow down.

Q2 Sources: "How often do you get your food from the following?"

Supermarkets (very strongly weighted) Someone else shops for you Delivery from online shopping sites Neighborhood markets or farmer's markets Convenience stores Delivery from local stores

Respondent comments:

I V fluids via medical supply

I interpreted 'online shopping sites' to include online supermarket ordering and delivery.

Where your questions only go down to almost never it's actually never which you haven't got

Protein powder online. Shopping is usually once a month. Buy to last. Maybe occasional trip out. Shopping is painful.

I shop for my own groceries.

Due to coordination, vision limitations I cannot use the apps/smartphone/do financial transactions on smartphone or computer, which prevents me from shopping online and most delivery places. I often go hungry as a result.

Grow my own food - very often

Local non chain shops, butcher, fishmonger , greengrocer ( fruit, veg & healthy groceries e.g.. GF products, ) good quality and locally grown organic produce etc quality breads, sheep/goat yoghurt etc.

The only money I have for buying groceries is my food stamps, so I'm very limited in where I can buy food. If I eat out it's always my partner paying.

I am celiac, so I prepare most of my own food so that I do not get gluten-ed.

Staff take him shopping

I live in a city with multiple food coops. I shop there most often, but no one store carries all the foods I need in a week. Food shopping involves stops at two to four stores a trip. I do not drive and public transport is inaccessible to me. I need rides for all of this.

Thoughts:

Supermarket shopping comes out on top, by a very wide margin. Again, that surprises me. I probably should have added a question or two about transportation and geography though. Most people consider supermarkets the best and most economical place to get groceries, but I wonder how many disabled people can't use them easily because they live in places without supermarkets and lack transportation to get to them.

The next two most heavily weighted categories ... someone shopping for you and takeout / delivery ... both rely on others, and probably also can be done without leaving home. These are the kinds of options that one would expect to be popular among disabled people. But again, they're not as heavily relied upon as one might conventionally predict.

Respondent comments bring up diet restrictions here, too, but also limited income and physical inaccessibility as factors that shape and restrict how people get their food supplies.

Q3 Disabilities: "Which category(s) best describe your type of disability? (check any that apply)"

97 with physical disabilities 51 with mental health disabilities 31 with sensory disabilities 20 with other cited disabilities 19 with cognitive disabilities 15 with learning disabilities

Respondent comments:

developmental disorder

Language

Severe food, environmental (including inhalant) allergies--often requiring hospitalization

Autism

Autism (unsure where to put that)

Eyes fatigue easily, and after many years of difficulty and little help due to invisibility of my disability (which is TBI) I am exhausted and don't h ave energy for interacting with others, constantly teaching, explaining etc. since no one understands.

chronic illness

In addition to mobility disability, have medical conditions affecting diet

hearing loss, food allergies

health disability, autistic

Autism, then not listed above- 1 of my kids is autistic, one has Down syndrome, both have anaphylactic food allergies, I have a medical concern that requires me to eat a totally different diet than my partner and kids

Visual

Autistic with sensory sensitivities, IBS, Coeliac, Lactose intolerant, Hypothyroidism, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Cancer survivor surviving radical surgery, heavy duty chemo, radiotherapies, Restless legs Syndrome, insomnia, and more, GAD

Food allergies play a major role in my eating/shopping habits

not sure where autism goes in here. also chronic illnesses

Chronic pain/traumatic brain injury

Autistic, and irritable Bowel Syndrome and PCOS. Not a fun combo.

Chronic illness- asthma

Medical conditions

Type 1 diabetes

Thoughts:

I probably should have included a few more disability types, since there is a lot of overlap and ambiguity among these very broad, generic categories ... particularly mental health, cognitive, and learning disabilities. I also wish I had added a chronic illness category for people with conditions that more readily fall into that category.

On the other hand, I think allowing people to choose more than one category means we get a pretty good picture of who is responding, and the vast majority of respondents had some kind of physical disabilities, sometimes along with others.

So?

Those are the survey results, in detail and summary. But what about my shopping and eating habits?

I do most of my grocery shopping online with delivery by mail. I order once a month. I've only been doing this for about 4 months though. Before that, I shopped at a supermarket about once a month, and picked up things at convenience stores here and there. Even though I drive, my shopping was definitely too irregular, physically difficult, and unnecessarily expensive.

Before I started grocery shopping online, my biggest problem was getting fresh fruit and vegetables, buying household supplies in bulk, and getting anything large or heavy ... like big bottles of milk, juice, or soda, or big bags of sugar (for my twice daily tea).

I eat frozen dinners about half the time. A quarter of the time I eat take-out, and another quarter is conventional home cooking.

Speaking of fruit ... and the mini-controversy last year about whether selling pre-cut or packaged fruit is wasteful or accessible ... I do buy pre-cut fruit and bagged salad, as well as large boxes of single-serve fruit cups.

http://www.npr.org/sections/thesalt/2016/03/07/469521879/pre-peeled-oranges-what-some-call-lazy-others-call-a-lifesaver

I often think about these new meal kits by mail services, but I never seriously consider them because they are expensive. And anyway, their big selling point seems to be that you don't have to worry about ingredients or portion sizes. I used to have that kind of problem, but at this point I know pretty much what I will and won't actually prepare and eat. For me it's not hard to figure out. But for others it might be more of a thing.

Conclusions:

I don't really have any, except for this:

If I had unlimited power and resources to make one radical change in American society, I sometimes think I would institute free public breakfast buffets. Two things make me think about this:

TV shows about the British upper class, where everyone just comes to the dining room in the morning and the servants have laid out a full range of breakfast foods on a big sideboard.

Motel chains that offer free breakfast.

My life would improve enormously if I could easily got to a big breakfast buffet every morning and just dish up a plate of whatever looked good. You could do the same thing with lunches or dinners, but for me, breakfast is the thing. I love breakfast food, but it tends to be labor intensive, and my body is at its worst in the morning. It's the time I need good food the most, and am least equipped to prepare it.

What new kinds of food or shopping services would improve your life and independence? What changes have you made in this area that have made a difference in your life? Are these strictly matters of individual planning and innovation, or are there larger-scale systemic changes that would be both feasible and helpful to disabled people?

Share more of your comments below! And thanks for helping with this survey!