#i cant believe there was a period of time where i wasnt thinking about death note every day

[qeyond]

Signing into Tumblr dot com every morning to read the news (what new, incredibly correct, and canon takes my mutuals have posted)

[wizisbored]

I can imagine after the wall goes down that nimona and Ballistor would be interested in visiting places, and one of the places they visit is where they run into Lydia, and Nimona can see an unsummoned Beetlejuice and is probably excited to meet someone special or weird like her. Ballistor has some reservations about it, but he'd warm up to him, once he was summoned and he could see him and Lydia explained some things.

if theyre gonna be leaving the kingdom for au purposes, im tempted to say fuck it go all the way and have them fully leave leave. nimona, ballister and ambrosius. they tried to swing it for a while, stuck around for maybe as long as a few years after it all went down, but it just wasnt working out. it's absolutely impossible for any of them to live a normal life, nimona especially - most people hail her as a hero, which is stressful in its own right, but there's also a not-insignificant number who still want 'gloreths monster' dead, and they know who she is now.

so the three of them skip town, and end up in a small town in rural conneticut. they dont plan on hiding nimona's abilities forever, but decide to lay low for a period to scope out the towns general level of weirdness-acceptance first. so they move in under the guise of a young gay couple who have gaurdianship of a teenager for unspecified reasons, and own various pets that are never seen in the same place at the same time.

it's been a while since the events of beetlejuice the musical, and beej is kinda hovering around the deetzs. lydia hasnt resummoned him and he hasnt asked her to. yet. theyre back on friendly terms, though im not sure about him and the rest of the family.

the two groups meet when charles decides to invite the new neighbours over for dinner. nimona is calling herself seventeen so she's supposedly a year or two older than lydia, and lydia thinks shes cool as shit. even though lydia isnt young enough to really trigger nimonas discomfort with small children she isnt used to interacting with kids and it takes her a bit to warm up, but lydia isnt the best at socialising with people (supposedly) her age either so they kinda fumble through it together. turns out theyve got a fair bit in common and by the end of the evening theyre getting along pretty well. goth/punk solidarity.

nimona cant neccesarily see ghosts, but she can sense them. beetlejuice isnt around for the dinner but she is far more aware of the maitlands' presence than ballister or ambrosius. she has no idea what it is, and doesnt bring it up until they're back home afterwards.

so nimona and lydia keep hanging out. a few times beetlejuice tags along, and nimona can feel him lingering around, and it feels the way a dog trying to bite a fly out of the air looks, if that makes sense. nimona stays human-shaped around lydia but there is something distinctly off about her, to lydia. maybe on some level she can sense what nimona is, but ill have to figure that out after ive considered how the magic/supernatural lore of the two medias is going to mix. she also thinks theres something odd about the various 'pets' nimona's family owns. theyre all some variation of reddish-brown, chestnut, ginger, or tan with no exception. the dog looks at least half wolf. her own cat, percy, hates theirs. she sees ballister riding a horse bareback around the edge of town sometimes, and it always feels like the horse is avoiding eye contact. and she has never seen nimona interact with any of them, or even be in the same room.

nimona finds out about the ghosts before lydia finds out about her, but it happens in quick sucession. eventually lydia is confident enough that she could ask nimona if she believes in life after death and she'd answer honestly. so she asks, and nimona - as someone who died and then got better - says yes quite confidently. so lydia pretty much spills everything, and nimona's reaction to hearing about beetlejuice is 'oh thank FUCK i can stop pretending to be human in front of you'

[chaoscriess]

𝐖𝐀𝐑𝐍𝐈𝐍𝐆𝐒! death, a ton of angst. reader mourns stu's death, writes him a letter to help the grieving process, cussing.

𝐍𝐎𝐓𝐄𝐒! on mobile, format might be weird. lowercase intended, unedited, double periods intended. I love writing angst and this was a great fic idea

stu x gn!reader

When you first found out about stu's death, you didnt believe it. you couldn't believe it. it just wasnt possible.

until the next day at school, when you didnt see stu, billy, or tatum, and sidney and randy both refused to talk to you.

they thought you were a monster because you were dating stu

even though you didnt even know stu was behind the mask

it hurt, it really fucking hurt.

you had nobody to talk to, and the entire town was against you.

weren't they supposed to be helping you? comforting you about the death of your boyfriend even if he was a killer? I mean, you didnt even know about it.

shouldn't they have been consoling you? even if they were lying through their teeth, shouldnt they have been telling you how sorry they were that your boyfriend turned out to be a murderer?

you had always hated woodsboro and the people in it, but now it was worse.

now you wanted to strike a match and set the whole fucking town ablaze.

they didnt even know it was billy's fault. you knew him well, he would have never even done that shit if it weren't for that cocksucking bitch billy.

you were angry, so fucking angry.

you got a therapist after a couple weeks of crying every day and not doing anything unless your mother dragged you out of bed.

your therapist told you that the best way to deal with your situation, that being having your boyfriend, the love of your life, ripped from your grasp way, way, way too soon, was to write him a letter

you were confused, how could you write him a letter if he was dead?

you had already recieved his ashes, you and his parents being the only people that showed up to his funeral

even though they were late, you still found it nice that they showed up.

back to the letter thing, your therapist told you to write a letter to him, assuming that he could read it in the afterlife, and then keep it or dump it in the sea with his ashes.

you chose to keep the letter. you chose to also keep his ashes, his parents didnt want them.

but the letter went something like this,

shit, I dont even know if this is going to work.. whatever, let's hope it does.

stu macher, the love of my life. i dont even know where to begin... from the moment I first met you, I knew you would be mine someday. ever since we met on that playset when we were seven, i knew that i would fall in love with you. and when I first realized that I had fallen in love with you, it was because of a feeling I got, not a thought about how cute you were, or how nice your shirt was, or how kind you were to me, it was the feeling that I was finally safe with someone. you made me feel safe after so many years of hating everything. it sounds stupid but I dont think it is.

when you kissed me for the first time on those swings at the same park we met at, 7 years later, I felt like nothing could ever tear us apart, like we'd be together forever. but now you're gone, and suddenly i cant find peace anymore. I cant sleep without dreaming of you, I cant eat without thinking about us cooking in my kitchen, and i cant drink anything without thinking of the stupid drinking games we would play at your stupid parties.

why did you make my life so wonderful? did you know you would kill every bit of my happiness eventually? did you know that you would leave so soon?

why did you do it? why'd you kill those people? now everyone hates you for what you did. I hate you for what you did. I know it wasnt your fault, but I cant help it.

I dont go outside anymore. every time I step off my porch, I can't help but remember our dates where we sat in the field near your house and looked up at the sky for hours.

sidney and randy hate me now, but I cant blame them. they say i was dating a monster. I dont think you're a monster..

I dont know how I'm going to recover from this, but I know I'll have to.

eventually.

I dont want to forget you.

but what if I do?

what if I forget what we had? what if I forget how your stupid cologne smells? how you feel in my arms, how your lips felt on mine.. I dont want to forget.

I dont want to move on. my mother says I have to, that I need to find someone else to take my mind off of you. I screamed at her, told her to fuck herself and that I hoped her husband died so she felt how much it hurt. I dont feel bad. I dont regret saying it.

I hate you, stu macher.

I'll never fucking forgive you for what you did to me.

and most of all, I hate that I still love you.

yours forever, y/n.

after you wrote it, you felt better. you felt like he was reading it over your shoulder the whole time.

you were still upset though.

a few months later, you accepted the fact that stu would never come back. he was gone for good.

it hurt, but you got accepted it.

and you may have accepted it, but you never truly got over it.

stu was truly the love of your life.

[svedupelle]

i was thinking about this line from Mahito during the Junpei arc

and about how it applies to a few other characters as well, most obvious to me being Getou, and to some extent Yuuji

the idea here is that its not always good to over-think things (though i guess the word “over-think” already has a negative connotation?) and that it can lead to a worse outcome than if you just act by gut instinct

Getou’s an obvious example of this at play:

after hidden inventory he spirals into hating non-sorcerers, partially because of his social isolation during this period (and also because of the events of hidden inventory), but also because of that “deliberation” as Mahito says. He’s trapped by constantly going on missions, which he compares to “running a marathon without knowing where the finish line is” in his discussion with Yuki. prior to that conversation, he talks to Haibara, who says this:

... which is exactly what Mahito is talking about.

then again, i guess Getou’s always been somewhat of a thinker, but here we can see that it bites him in the ass. he’s unable to find a simple, selfish purpose like Haibara, instead he has to remain the same selfless, morally righteous person he once was, except now he’s seen a side of the system that completely recontextualizes it

then he meets Yuki Tsukumo, who was like the worst possible person for him to meet at this point

(im not trying to say that yuki is evil or even that she personally corrupted him)

Yuki is also someone who’s looking at the system as a whole, and through their discussion Getou can find a perfect solution to his dilemma; a way to still feel “in the right”, to not have to live with that inner conflict.

Yuki seemingly tries to derail him from that line of thought with this:

essentially pointing out that its a false dichotomy, that he can pick whatever feelings he wants to. that said i have a hard time believing that Getou heard what she was saying, or maybe it wasnt possible for him to find another way once he met the twins.

in the end Getou’s decision here leads to his death, so i do think Mahito’s quote about deliberation applies rather well. just like Junpei, Getou cant stop thinking

someone else who cant stop thinking is yuuji:

(i actually want to rant a bit about megumi’s argument here, because it’s flat out insane: saving someone who later kills someone makes you in no way whatsoever responsible for that murder. you have literally nothing to do with it. even if something like a prison guard lets a murderer out of jail, and that murderer kills someone else, it wouldnt make sense to charge the guard for like.. assisted murder or anything. because the guard had nothing to do with the murder! even if yuuji saves tadashi (the dead guy in the detention center), and tadashi kills another little girl whilst driving without a license, thats not on yuuji! that’s on tadashi!! and it’s not really an argument for not saving him anyway, because you’re also depriving tadashi the possibility to become a better person and to thus positively impact other people lol. whatever rant over sorry)

ahem. Yuuji. at first Yuuji is like Haibara, he doesn’t really think too hard about stuff, but other people make him over-think:

Megumi’s argument from the detention center stuck with Yuuji, and here he’s essentially blaming himself for making Megumi guilty of saving his life, which let Sukuna kill like a billion people. It doesn’t make much sense, and its really just a symptom of Yuuji not knowing how to cope with Sukuna’s crime (which he feels like he enabled/let happen)... which had its consequences in the fight with Higuruma (is higgy also someone who over-thinks things??? someone help these guys)

that’s all!

[theunconcernedembalmer]

Toko! I was thinking of creating an ask the character blog for IDV or Genshin Impact and wanted a few tips on how to start off. Anything you can share?

ey yo my dude!! thank you so much for this question, now im lowkey tempted (again) to make a genshin ask blog sjadhlkshgkahshglsaj anyway my 1.5 cents is under the cut, yall know how much i talk here HAHAHAHAH

uhhhhhh so i guess we start with picking a character u really Vibe with tm? I KNOW THIS SOUNDS LIKE COMMON SENSE BUT LIKE ive been considering making a genshin ask blog for a while now but i never really got to it cos i couldnt really decide on a character (plus the fact that their outfits are. so intricate. is also a hmm since i try to follow details to a t) (at first i wanted to do zhongli, but i feel like to be able to muse him well u need to know the lore super super well, which i dont n im too lazy to research on that aha. n u know how much i respect characterizations, especially for such a complex character like him. i also considered xiangling for a period of time mostly for guoba but also like i have 2+1 blogs here n having one more might not be a very good idea aha) (as for aesop he was my Hyperfixation Character tm also cos i looked at his kit n went Yep i could work with this. probably)

so assuming ur not a dumbass like me n u kinda know who u wanna pick, id actually say to snoop around here for other ask blogs n kinda get a feel of the... scene? is that the word? or like u know, other blogs that u can potentially vibe with. ive run a couple of ask blogs before this current one (both that have died for different reasons) n from my experience interacting with other blogs (if theyre okay with it, i think most should be) is pretty fun. it also kinda helps get ur blog around to other ppl on other blogs so they can go Oh whats this cool shit n check u out, n its also a reason why we kinda reblog promo posts for other blogs (also cos we’re always excited when someone new comes on, its really the more the merrier. we see all :eyes:). interacting with other blogs is also an option when ur inbox is looking real roomy too

another reason why i havent exactly done a genshin blog is that idk i cant actually seem to find genshin ask blogs around (i have seen rp blogs, or those that answer asks with mostly text instead of art, but thats. not my thing since i hate my own writing aha) (i did find one aether blog some time ago, but for some reason i hardly see them around anymore??? idk man i might be wrong). its not like im trying super hard to find them ask blogs, so im sure they exist out there (hopefully?? im not sure but im being optimistic). i mean theres nothing wrong with just starting an ask blog without others around, but for me i do find a difference when i interact with other ask blogs n when i dont, n i prefer when theres others to have fun with (unfortunately i couldnt find any ask blogs to interact with in my previous fandom. i tried, but the blogs i approached seemed to go inactive shortly afterwards...) plus u get to meet friends that way too :D (i made a lot of friends via idv askblogs n its really been a joy vibing with others)

as for the idv scene. gestures around me. unfortunately there are a lot of ask blogs that arent that active anymore, but theres still some of us who are alive n kicking empty inboxes, n im sure everyone would love to see a new face around. winks at u. also there seems to be a lot more blogs popping up lately, which is really heartening to see.

then u kinda just. make ur blog? n a starting introduction post so ppl can reblog it n spread the word XD n yay u have a blog i guess??? XD

i gotta say tho. dont expect ur blog to take off immediately (especially for smaller fandoms like idv, tvbh i didnt think my blog would even get half this far when i started cos of how non existent idv tumblr seemed to be) n ur inbox will probably be looking pretty empty a lot of the time (or at least filled with some that u havent quite thought of how to reply to yet aha) (but also like empty inboxes happen pretty often, im sure most of us here have experienced this problem)

in the case of the first ask blog i ever started, it never really took off at all. ngl it was kind of demoralizing n depressing but to be fair i had picked one of the more obscure characters in the series, so obscure that many ppl in the fandom would have never heard of this character before. if u wanted to know, i took a character that only appeared in the 2nd musical of the series, who also made a very brief cameo in the manga to acknowledge his existence within that universe. thats how obscure my character was, but i went with him purely because he was my favourite character. i will say though i did enjoy it while it lasted n i learnt a lot from the experience, n i think thats whats important really.

i guess this kinda leads on (not really but let me digress) to the whole uhhhh thing where if u choose a more popular character, u get more attention. which is fine i guess? if u really vibe with the character, i mean theyre popular for a reason. n choosing a more popular fandom (like genshin) would objectively also get u more viewers n numbers. but like honestly i believe that ask blogs are meant for u to have fun with, n like trying to get popular gets tiring pretty fast (this shouldnt be like a main goal, but u know sometimes u subconsciously also want that gucci follower count n bomb ass notes or something. i used to be guilty of this until i realized it isnt worth it) especially if ur not enjoying yourself in the process. (case in point: my previous fandom was considerably larger n my blog got about 700 followers within a year or so, but it got very tiring n stressful to maintain after my interest in it died, n no one was really interacting with the blog even though i tried which kinda made it even more depressing despite the so called success n popularity of the blog)

anyway on a less serious note, theres a lot of fun stuff u can do with the ask blog, like some ask blogs have really fancy tags that i really like n try to do but also like not really HAHAHAHA. i kinda just channel what i want to see in an ask blog into my own ask blogs (good art is one, i try very hard for it to be good :,DD another is characterization, n others is just extra miscellaneous arts n stuffs like au ideas or memes. these are also somethings u could work on during ask box downtimes perhaps)

uhhh another side thing is like a posting schedule i guess? like ppl would be more likely to interact (i think) if ur blog is relatively active, n this is usually determined by the last post u made (i think XD). but like generally for blog maintenence id say try to kinda find a frequency that ur comfortable with?? cos i know my once a day posting is kinda insane if i wasnt so hyperfixated on all of this n fight the urge to dump all ur replies when u finish them XD (though ive seen some blogs do that n they do it pretty frequently so its pretty nice to know once u see their post u can spend some time going through the latest batch of posts XD) the queue function is pretty useful here even though i truthfully have never really used it, i kinda just post from my drafts really but it also helps to space out ur content to seem somewhat active especially when u dont have the time to be working on replies sometimes. i hope u know what im trying to say here aha

ANYWAY that was like my 1.5 cents cos i dont even think its worth 2 cents HAHAHAHAH these are just my thoughts from running all my blogs up till now, some that are still running n the others that have just died a natural death. i wouldnt actually delete them (theyre still around actually XD) cos theyre kinda like archives n i can look back at what i did last time. cos ngl i made some high quality stuff back then, n i dont even know how i managed to do that aldhflhdsgk. also ppl do look at archive blogs every now n then for the content thats there yknow

BUT YES anyway if u do decide to join the idv ask blogs hmu, ill be sure to give u a lil shoutout here. winks

[someguy1023]

Nobody’s gonna care about this, but maybe someone will

i think it’ll help convey why im so stuck on this, and why i seem to be focusing more on Holly and, according to messages i kept getting, “white knighting” for her. I’m not gonna justify Holly’s behavior. thats not what this is about. I just want this off my chest.

(im gonna regret this)

also, just to preemptively defend myself, i know how cheesy all this is gonna sound. But its the truth.

so. i guess i should preface this by explaining when I first heard about Holly. Maybe it’ll help this make sense in context. Maybe not. I don’t know but it doesnt hurt to try.

I didn’t actually learn about Holly through the internet like i assume most others did. I actually first found her through TV. More specifically, through that Heroes of Cosplay show SciFi has produced a few years back. I enjoyed it, but found myself mainly enjoying the work Holly and Jessica did while on the show. They were my favorite team, and I always tried to watch whenever they were in an episode. After a while though, I, like a lot of others apparently, got bored and moved on, and eventually forgot about Holly.

It was a few years later that I would find her again. This time, like many others, through Grumps. More specifically, through Ross and Steam Train. I was surprised when it turns out that one of my favorite members of GG was also married to one of my favorite people on HoC. Small world. I stayed a more casual fan, watching the occasional playthrough or crafting episode on her channel. I was more of a fan of GG and Ross, so I tended to watch more of his stuff than hers, but I still made sure to keep watching her stuff. It wasn’t anything major, she just made me smile.

A few years later, it meant something more to me.

In 2016, my father died. Normally, that wouldn’t be such a big deal for something like this. It was everything leading up to his death that was the problem. I always had a very “problematic” relationship with my father. He was abusive towards me when I was younger, lashing out at me for really minor problems. (for example, one time he had lifted me up in the air by my throat and began strangling me when I was ~6. Why? Because I had used some money our neighbor gave me for cleaning up his lawn to buy a popsicle from an ice cream truck, ate half of it, then put the other half in the fridge. He found it, got mad at me, and then began to yell at me. I had a nervous tic when I was younger where I giggled uncontrollably when I was scared. Sure enough, I began to giggle and could stop it, and then he, enraged, lifted me up. I realize years later he was probably drunk, considering he smelled really weird. It isnt a good memory.) He eventually left my mom and I when I was almost 7, moving down to Alabama with this lady he met in a bar, and proceeded to do pretty much every major drug imaginable. I didn’t see/hear from him again until a few years later at his mother’s funeral. He seemed remorseful for what he did to me, and a year or two later, moved in with his cousin back in the state I was living in at the time. I began visiting him when I was 13, and he seemed to be better. He apologized to me for what he did, he tried to be a good dad, and I believed him. That was my first mistake.

Flash forward to January 3rd, 2016. I was visiting him for the weekend after staying at my cousin’s, and was sorting through my things to make sure i didnt forget anything. We had visited one of his friends to get something he borrowed (according to him) then got back to his house. He was sitting on the couch, watching TV, and I thought he fell asleep. I noticed he had a cigarette in his mouth he was going to light before he passed out, so I went over to put it aside. I figured out he wasn’t sleeping. It turns out, he was overdosing, and what I thought was snoring was his throat closed shut and the air escaping his lungs. He was dying. I told his wife (at the time) what what happening, she called 911, and I went upstairs to hide in my bedroom. A lil while later, the ambulance came by, and the paramedics gave him whatever that stuff is they give addicts who OD. (At the time, I didnt know what was going on. He had really bad lungs, and I thought they were shutting down or something. I was told it was from him overdosing later that night.) He woke up, and they drove him to the hospital to make sure he was okay. I went back to my moms house, and stayed there. That was the last time I saw him alive

As it turns out, my dad had been using me for over 2 or 3 years. He was not only stealing money from me under the pretense of helping him with driving for over an hour to pick up/drop me off from my moms place to visit, but had also been heavily manipulating me for years in order to control me. He had tried to turn me against my mother and her side of the family, claiming she had used me to verbally abuse and control him when they were married, telling me lies in order to keep me under his thumb. (like how she threatened to abort me if he didnt marry her after knocking her up, or how she had him steal from his sister during her wedding, etc.) I began to despise my mother, arguing with her constantly, and, on his insistence, never told her anything about what he was doing or what he told me. It wasnt until after that day that I learned it was all lies.

I was devastated. I felt hurt, used, and betrayed. (I realize now...its because I actually was.) I was a wreck. It didnt help that 4 months later...he died. Needless to say, it was a very, very tough grieving period. I locked myself away in my room, unable to summon the energy to even get up in the morning. I had suffered from mild depression prior to this, but it was much worse. I couldn’t find a way to get through this, suffering for months, and eventually, began to think about suicide.

Thats where Holly came back in.

Besided the playthroughs helping cheer me up a lil whenever I put them on, it was her advice that really began my path to healing. Her kind words and support to others began to help me sort through the baggage I had been dealing with about my dad. I began to follow her advice on how to deal with my depression, and began to slowly ull myself back from the edge, and, over time, began to pull myself back up. Eventually, with her help, I began to attend regular therapy sessions, and managed to fully come to terms with what my father had done to me, as well as properly manage both my depression and anxiety problems. I honestly don’t know where I’d be right now if it wasn’t for Holly. She helped keep me going when I really needed it. She, for lack of a better expression, helped save my life. I’ll always be grateful to her for that...despite all of this. Ever since then, whenever I felt my depression weighing me down, or felt my anxiety creep back up on me, I could rely on her to help keep me grounded.

When all this happened, I couldnt help but notice I felt the same way as I did all those years ago. Despite the fact that its just some random lady on the internet, and shouldnt have mattered as much as it did...it still hurt on a personal level. The worst part of this whole thing? I can’t go back to the thing that helped me out whenever I felt this way. Not without being reminded everywhere I go of how everyone thinks of her.

So...maybe thats why I’m doing all this. Not just to stop people from spreading hate and rumors based on speculation...but because part of me cant/doesnt want to believe one of the people I relied on and put trust in could be the bad guy. Because part of me just refuses to let go or lose someone who meant so much to me. Because part of me wants to believe that things will get better...even if I know they wont.

If you read through this, thank you. Maybe someone out there feels the same way I do. Maybe, if they dont, someone can understand. Its been a rough month for me. I just hope things will look up somehow. I dont know if I’m gonna come back to this. Im realizing it probably isnt healthy. The only thing I have left to say, then, if I dont come back; please, try to spread good. I know this is the internet, and even worse, tumblr...but i think people need some light nowadays. and constantly spreading hate and cruelty...that wont help anyone. I know nothing i say matters, that nothing i’ve done has changed any minds. but even if you cant trust Holly anymore, or dont believe anything she says...at least believe in one of her beliefs. That kindness is the greatest thing to spread to others, and the world can sure use a lot more of it.

Good night.

[actuallylorelaigilmore]

thanks to a conversation with @declermontdiana i’m now thinking about the end of riverdale s2 and where all the characters were at after the chaos in town and the black hood reveal, and i think it’s time to talk about the fact that alice was perfectly positioned to be pulled into a cult.

because while she was vulnerable to the farm because of how traumatized she was, i’ve never seen a discussion of the way that she was also incredibly, horribly alone in the face of nearly being murdered by her husband and finding out he was the source of the town’s terror for all that time.

yes, we know that betty was trying to look after her, but not being able to pull herself together around betty could only have added ‘i suck as a mom’ feelings to alice’s emotional problems in the immediate aftermath. despite what betty thinks because she’s spent her life trying to be everything to everyone, alice would actually be a worse parent if she were using betty for friendship and emotional support, because that shouldn’t be her teenage daughter’s role.

and yes, polly also came and offered her support and potential help. but despite being a mom already, polly is her teenage daughter too, who she shouldn’t expect to lean on, so it makes sense that alice would be more likely to throw all her trust in with the adults in the cult that polly eased her into.

but why, after everything she had been through, would she decide to trust and get help from total strangers? we focus so much on the fact that she was an easy target, like her instability after hal and fake-charles and even polly is the only factor. but alice’s openness to the cult because of what happened to her is just part of it--the world around her matters too.

and the reality of it is that alice let the farm become her most trusted support system because nobody else was there for her.

alice doesn’t have a single female friend in riverdale. though she and sierra probably have the least antagonistic dynamic, that doesn’t make them friends...and hermione, mary, and penelope make it very clear how they feel about her. obviously there are valid reasons why she’s not well-liked, but having made more enemies than friends doesn’t change the fact that alice is a mess after hal and in need of sympathy and support.

arguably, the two people in town who you’d most expect might care about how alice is doing after she’s nearly strangled to death by her husband are fp and fred. with fp, there’s all the history and obvious feelings that s3 showed us were still there even after their affair ended...and fred has both known her forever and is a genuinely nice guy. he may snark back when alice is being a jerk about archie, but it’s hard for me to believe that he wouldn’t check in on his next door neighbor who’s just been through a tragedy.

however, that’s where the events of s2 really conspire to leave alice totally isolated. fp’s son is in the hospital barely alive, and fp dove into a losing fight with a rival gang--he’s in no shape to immediately rush to her side, even once word does reach him about hal. meanwhile, fred was hal’s first victim. he nearly died thanks to alice’s husband, which i imagine would make it hard to offer her unsolicited support, even though fred assures betty she’s not to blame when it comes up.

now personally for the sake of human decency, i think it’s totally crappy that alice was left alone in that house to suffer. i don’t care how little she was liked in town, anybody who’s nearly murdered should get checked on by someone. but as far as we’re aware, that doesn’t happen. after hal tries to kill alice, the only people who come to her door are reporters looking for more scandal. (you could argue that this part is a twisted kind of karma given how often alice’s reporting reveled in others’ pain, but that shouldn’t mean she’s also without other visitors.)

when you really think about it in context, alice and the farm make even less sense. the last thing alice cooper should want to do is trust a stranger just because her daughter vouches for him--the last time she did that, she had to bleach her whole kitchen! and by the end of s2, she’s found out that she can’t trust the last twenty years of her life, the most intimate partner she had, or her own judgement.

only desperation can explain her throwing herself into the arms of polly’s new friends, when she must have the worst trust issues she’s ever had in her life.

but honestly, of course she’s desperate. her entire carefully-crafted life unraveled a piece at a time over the last three years. she lost her older daughter to the blossoms, her younger daughter to the serpents, her husband to madness or evil or both depending on how you look at it, her credibility at her job once her history was revealed, and her rekindling with fp because they’re both idiots who can’t get it together. she wasn’t even left with a shred of normalcy--or the facade of it that made her life worthwhile before.

alice smith became alice cooper who reinvented herself again and again once things started falling apart, and it’s not clear if even she knows who she really is deep down. so she’s heading fast toward middle age, with very little to show for it, living in a house full of ruined memories with no one to talk to, and no reason to believe any of the other adults in riverdale would be there for her if she did reach out.

in the aftermath, all she has is one daughter she didn’t protect from her own father, who she never knows how to save...and another who’s offering her hope.

it’s terrible that she took it, as is everything alice has done since the farm became the center of her world. i don’t know anyone who’s blindly trying to defend her s3 behavior, or who isn’t expecting an awful reckoning someday.

but at the same time, of course she accepted the help that edgar evernever was reaching out to her, during the absolute lowest period in her life.

he was the only one who offered.

[blandmemoirs]

"How have you been?"

To put it simply, exhausted

I've been having trouble sleeping lately. I can't fall asleep and stay asleep, instead I sleep for few hour intervals before darting awake in the middle of the night or early morning. Usually three times each night. This has been a pattern for a few weeks now. I've had a mixed bag of dreams that will be worthy posts elsewhere. Some really good, others really bad. And I think that's how my life has been as of late. I do fun things and have a great day and then I get home and feel myself will with dread or longing. I don't have much to long for, but I just feel alone in my day to day. Even though there's not an hour that passes when someone hasnt demanded my attention, I still feel as if I'm drifting through this time in my life by myself. I feel like I'm stuck in my own head, talking to people has been harder as of late. Opening up and telling people how I feel has felt draining or tiresome. I feel like I'm worthless and some voice in me is echoing for a sweet release. It says "please let me die". Of course, I won't be doing that. Ive got too much to live for. Ive got people to help and care for. Ive got a legacy to build and jobs to do. My life cant end here, and wont end here. But something inside me just don't feel right and I dont know what to do about it. I think its just because my life has hit a point of stagnation at the moment. All my friends are busy and doing things with them is becoming more of an every now and then kind of thing instead of everyday. I feel like I'm waiting and waiting and waiting but the results won't be arriving anytime soon. I know what I want to do with my life and what I want to be and what I want to make, but I figured it out too early and everyone is going to keep me waiting until they figure it out themselves. I'm patient, but I'm oh so exhausted of feeling so alone.

The world threw a curveball my way the other weekend. I had my first major death in the family and my first car accident. In that order. I dont think they are related but my focus was definitely strained when I was on the road. The death was our beloved housecat, Midnight. She was black, rather small, and super soft. She was feisty at times and loved to run around the house and lay on warm things. Her meow would melt your heart. She, like all our pets, was a rescue. We got her after she was found to be clinging for life to my Father's old truck. He believed she might have followed him all the way from work. She was super tiny then. Our second cat in the house, after Stinky Pete. The third was my orange baby, Jackle. Before we got her fixed she would have her period and be extra moody, usually meowing into the late hours of the night. She waa my dad's cat first and foremost. Always in his lap. Always bugging him. Its natural seeing how he rescued her. Her favorite place to go was the garage, where it was cool or warm and felt the most like being outside. Of all our cats, midnight wanted to leave the house the most. She would always be near windows, especially when they were open. It makes sense considering the earliest parts of her life were spent that way. She was also always affected by fleas the worst. There was a time she lost patches of hair from the bugs. She was most grateful when we eventually adopted flea collars for the kitties. The last year or so she developed a nasty growth on her belly, and it would often pop and bleed. My parents, never having the money for a veterinarian, would just let her pick at it and hope it would go away. It never did. Then last week I recieved a text from my mother saying that they had her put down. I don't know the specifics, its not something I want to ask. What I know is that she had cancer that developed into a heart mur mur. My mom was with her when it happened. My dad said he couldn't be there. He wanted to, but just couldn't. That's incredibly tragic, conaidering she was his cat, but I understand that mix of emotions that kept him away. Shes buried by the garage, her favorite place. My mom said it was one of the hardest things shes had to do in her adult life. I dont think any of us were ready to see Mini go like that. My dad is going to make a tombstone and put a pot of roses by it. That little ball of fur will be dearly missed when I return home. I'm left wondering how the other animals in the house feel, if they even understand that their sister is gone. My dad told me today that Domino, our boxer dog, and Stinky Pete, the old man fat cat of the house most likely know. Stinky has always been oddly empathetic for an animal, his eyes sometimes seem human in how he expresses himself. As such they are all comforting my dad. He says he doesnt spend a minute without them bugging him, and normally he hates that, but hes letting them grieve and doing so himself. My Jackle cat is not the brightest thing, hes just supporting Stinky Pete my dad says. I would expect that. Those two are very close to each other. I've really missed my cat and want to bring him with me to my next place, but I dont think I should seperate him and Stinky at this point. It wouldn't be fair. All in all, Midnight "Mini" Bland was a sweetheart of a kitty and gave us no bad luck despite her fur's reputation. She will be missed and forever loved. She is family, even if it took until now for my parents to admit that. Rest easy.

The car accident was a product of wet roads, traffic, and poor luck. Some dude cut us off and we both slammed on our brakes but I rear-ended the dude in front of me from hydro-planing. It wasnt soft, but it wasn't hard enough to do any real damage to our cars. We both pulled over and traded the important info, took pictures, all the formalities. There was barely noticeable cosmetic damage to his car, and maybe a bump and scratch on my end but I'm not sure if those were already there or not. I bought my car used with a few bumps and scratches. Its personality. Dude was polite and patient. Said he will keep insurance out if I just foot the bill for his paint scratches, assuming he doesnt find more damage later. It being the night in a poorly lit city like Austin, it makes sense he didnt promise me anything until hes seen the sunlight. Said he'd text me in a week or two depending on his schedule. I hope he remains as respectful a guy when I hear from him. I really don't want to work the extra hours to pay for a heightened insurance over something as weak as that. But that's all for the future.

Writing, or I suppose typing, has been very therapeutic for me. I think I've gotten all the thinga bugging me out of my head for now. Time will tell. I'm going to start a storytime series on this blog soon, recounting different life stories that have impacted me or changed the way I am. Y'know, actual memoirs. Hahaha. Thanks to the few who read. You are the most important friends I have and I love you all.

[gothic-chicanery]

The Diary of Dr. Elena Rosewood

Horror one off story. I’m putting it under a cut

TW for blood, death, and disease

12/14/37

Sent to quarantine, and am currently kicking myself. I tested positive for the disease and the police didn’t listen to my explanations. Now I am without my lab and test instruments, and the data gathered will be strictly qualitative. Damnit.

Of course, this may be a blessing in disguise, as the effects of the vaccine will be able to be seen firsthand, and I’ll have to worry less about my own credibility. Though as a medical doctor who has spent years studying this disease, credibility was never too much of a worry.

I just hope someone takes care of my cats.

No symptoms so far, though that is expected. The incubation period is usually about a week, but this may be altered by the fact that this is a weaker strain that will be easy for my body to fight off. Maybe I will not have any symptoms at all. One can only hope I suppose.

12/16/37

A man leaned into me while I took my daily exercise yesterday, so close that his nose almost touched mine. Dark red sclera showed he was in the later stages of the disease. “We all have it in here,” he growled. “We are all infected.” His breath smelled awful, a mix of metallic and rot, as if someone had shot a deer in a penny factory.

“Yes,” I said slowly. “That is essentially the point of a quarantine.”

I’ve decided to keep mostly to myself from now on.

This story has very little to do with the scientific side of my work, but it is an anecdote that I think would provide quite the cinematic moment when there is a biopic made about me. I mean, the person who discovered a vaccine against the blood plague (though I always hated the sensational nature of that name) will surely get some sort of film recognition.

When I get out, of course, I’ll remove this section. But I believe it is best to be honest to yourself. The rest of the world can get the cool, collected scientist.

Asymptomatic probably still. I thought my sclera looked a little redder, but that may be more easily attributed to confirmation bias or the quality of the mirrors here. It’s a wonder I can see my reflection at all through the graffiti. Wishing I was home. Accurate testing equipment wherefore art thou? My ex, I’m sure, would correct me. Wherefore apparently means why even though it has a where in it. This, ladies and gentlemen, is why you never should date English majors. And they say scientists have sticks up their ass.

12/20/37

Definite redness now. I guess it was too much of a long shot that I wouldn’t end up with anything happening. I can’t decide which looks better, a miraculous recovery, or to never get sick at all. I think this. Looks like I’ve suffered more.

Though of course, this isn’t about me. It’s about all the people that I will be keeping safe from the disease.

12/25/37

Well. Merry Christmas to me. I’m Rudolph the Red-Eyed Fucking Reindeer. Disease taking hold. I think it’ll get worse before it gets better, damn it. It’ll definitely get better though. I’m confident in my own intelligence, if nothing else. I had hoped to be out of here before Christmas, but I guess that’s too much to ask for.

I’ve started tasting blood.  Every meal seems tainted metallic, though that might actually improve the shit they have us eating. It’s all frozen and half rotten, bottom of the barrel kind of stuff. I guess that makes sense, why waste the good food on those of us that are going to die anyway? I mean, I won’t. But for the rest of them, why bother. There is no cure for the blood plague. Even I’ve only managed to come up with a vaccine.

1/3/38

I lost my journal. No, more accurately, it was stolen by the motherfucker from before. More accurately, he stole it, bled on the pages, and then threw it outside the fence. I have no clue why. He’s bad, blood streaming from his eyes and lips. I could barely make out what he was trying to say, every time he tried to speak, blood dribbled out. Not that I cared what he had to say. I’d imagine he only had days left.

My own condition isn’t getting better, though it hasn’t gotten noticeably worse. Small amounts of blood in my mouth, my spit has been slightly tinged pink for the last few days. I calculated the turnaround though. It should be any day now. Any day…

I debated whether or not to write down how I’m writing this, as my journal is no longer here, and decided why not. It’s blood on my wall. I know what you’re thinking, that i’ve likely gone insane, that the blood plague is taking hold. It’s not, I can promise you that. When you look at it, it’s perfect logical.

My top priority is information. I have to record these events so that the process of my vaccine can be documented and studied. As a scientist, I know the most essential thing is data. I need to be able to provide that. I’ve just been forced to use alternative methods.

He would’ve died anyway. There is no cure for the blood plague, and he barely had days left. Something that saves lives is more important than the death of one man, I know it seems macabre but he would’ve died in days. Is it really even a murder when you’re both on death row?

He is.

Was.

I’m not. I’m going to live.

It wasn’t hard, really, to kill him. He wasn’t strong, and it was quite easy to split his head open. The blood just mingled with what was already on the floor and walls, have I mentioned this place has gotten disgusting with all the blood. Dragged him to my room, dipped my finger in, and began writing.

I don’t want this to sound horrific. It’s not. I distanced myself from things, made the matter merely academic. When dissecting something, you don’t contemplate the pathos, you just analyze. That is merely what I’m doing. He would’ve died soon anyway.

1/11/38

The body stinks to high heaven and I can barely get enough blood to write with without a few maggots or flies crawling over my fingers. I need to remain objective but they are truly disgusting.

Blessing in disguise, perhaps, my own eyes have begun dripping. My mouth too, though that’s diluted. I can keep writing. I will document this. I will wait for my body to fight off the vaccine, for immunity to kick in. I will be the one to figure it out I will be known I will be a savior

Just a little longer

[fabelyn]

I think it’s been five years. If so, holy shit how time flies.

Anyway, now that so much time has passed, let me tell you all the story of a random tumblr user that somehow roped me into the start of a toxic friendship.

What do i mean by toxic? I mean threatening suicide whenever their actions get called out.

It’s been five years and recalling how they used a legimate serious issue like suicide to hear what they wanted still pisses me off

Back in the day when I was very active and combatant in a fandom I started making a lot of new friends. This user seemed like a new one too. This was before the tumblr chat function existed so we kept sending each other PMs. 

Buuuut shit went down in the fandom. Fans of ships starting fighting. Yours truly was right in the middle and ‘friend’...claimed to ship both sips and thus not pick sides. Except the fight wasnt about who you shipped but lets not go down that route

Things started getting annoying but small at first. ‘Friend’ started giving me advice...except I was realizing advice was always about twisting what I was doing, putting me down and claiming they were just trying to help. No biggie. I explained what i was doing and why. Friend claimed to understand and claimed to be telling others that...but then would come back and complain about me under the “im just saying what others are seeing” while ignoring all that I said

Oh, dont worry, this wasnt the issue. Oh no, this was just mildly annoying at best

Annoyance number #2 began: friend started sending me weird (as in nonsensical) messages. Then claiming they were drunk.

In between everything I realized our convos had began to not bring me any joy: anything I said was put down (”you’re harsh”. “this idea you just told me? meh”) and I dont recall my interests or ideas being discussed, but I recall always giving them encouragement on their art and stuff.

Anyway, between conversation that was either one sided drunk texting or putting me down, I began calling them out when they were saying untrue things, or simply barely responding when they kept drunk texting me.

At which point this person pulls out card one: “oh im like this because I have mental illness X”. I checked with an actual friend and mental illness X exists. Okay, sure. But now that I had a third perspective to help me, I confirmed that no, having X mental illness did not magically make the way they were treating me okay. I continued to not take their shit.

So the suicide threats began. or pehaps -its been too long- they may have started before but it took a while for me to realize wtf was actually happening.

Basically, if I was too cold in my reply, or called them out, they would immediatly go “omg omg you’re right im so bad I should die. i deserve to be dead. i cant believe i hurt you i should kill myself”

Aaaand of course every time I had to stop my legimate conversation to obviously tell them that no, i wasnt hurt, no they didnt deserve death please don’t die.

I recall one convo where, i s2g i vividly recall them writing out this, in this way “*sniffles* y-you won’t abandon me? I-I can trust you? ;_; ”

By the time it seemed like I had pulled them down from doing something like that, of course my line of conversation calling them out had been completly sidelined. They would cheerily start on another topic and my point was forgotten. Again and again

I think it was only after the third friend got involved and I told her what was going on that it dawned on me they always reacted with suicide threats any time my reply to them wasn’t love and rainbows. a curt reply got “oh god I’m so sorry im such a bother is hould leave you and go dieee” pointing out i disagree with how they were acting was the same. And also only when things werent going as they wanted. 

So fucking tiring

After a point i gave up and just...stopped engaging so much. I always went “no dont die!” when they threatened it but went right back to curt replies and longer silence periods.

Then they claimed they were leaving the fandom because the fandom was sooo toxic. I think I gave the perfunctory “oh no” while cheering on the inside.

Except they didnt leave fandom. They changed username and stopped interacting with me so much. They at one point sent a private message saying “your art was good” and I was like ??? thanks but you could have just clicked the like button or said that on the post. At which point they replied “oh I didnt want to bother you”. Right, sure, dont want to bother me with a like but a PM is better? 

Things fizzled out and then and all their messages I’ve ever received from them disappeared form my backlog.

My hunch is that I blocked an anon message (cant recall why) and less than a week later I noticed everything gone. So my guess is they were the anon

Anyway. I always always wanted to write about this, but despite everything the fear of them killing themselves was too much and I didn’t want to risk writing about them and them seeing it

But it’s been five years, so here it is

[moldypieceoflasagna]

36 questions that nobody asked me

(except @lollipoppedchainsaw )

(the 36 questions that lead to love or whatever) https://www.nytimes.com/2015/01/11/fashion/no-37-big-wedding-or-small.html

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

I hate going out to dinner so much i probably wouldnt be able to enjoy it properly

2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?

It would be interesting to see what it’s like for a short period of time, but i’d never be able to keep it up; i’d probably have an identity crisis

3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?

yes i have to mentally prepare myself 100% of the time

4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?

hanging out with the people i love is enough to keep me happy for a good while tbh. sitting around doing nothing literally nothing with them is endlessly entertaining to me even though sometimes i might make that hard to believe 

5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

i sing to myself a lot, not so much to others- although i AM a slut for karaoke

6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?

body because i feel thats probably what old people complain about most. plus like,, 90 years of life knowledge? sounds great to me

7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

probably an accident that’s almost statistically impossible

8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.

single rn (ladies) but i usually try to find friends with similar music tastes because scream-singing in the car is the most fun one can have

9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

im most grateful for my dogs and for my friends! i love them and it means the world to me to have people that i can call family. also i would die without my dog juno, she is my rock (and my therapist)

10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

Not rly how i was raised, but i wish i had a closer relationship with my older siblings. Three of them had moved out before i was rly old enough to not be an asshole child, so most of them still see me as an asshole child and they never take me seriously. im glad i have an alright relationship with them, but that’s kinda all it is and i know i could do better

11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.

Lived in Texas my whole life yeehaw. I have 2 brothers and 2 sisters; 2 of them dont like me, and my relationship with the other 2 is,, certainly not bad. Had a lot of physical and mental illness in the past, but 20gayteen is definitely my year, yeet

12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

either speaking a different language or playing the piano. im very jealous of good piano players, and at some point i need to be able to speak a more useful language than french because so far in texas it’s proved absolutely useless (other than talking to my mom but that doesnt count)

13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?

I’d wanna know wtf im supposed to do with my life because sweaty i still have no idea. passion? dont know her please introduce me

14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?

i wanna go skydiving bitch, no one wants to go with me! pussies!!! the lot of you

15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

that one time i did an entire semester’s worth of work in the last three days of the school year

16. What do you value most in a friendship?

being able to put up with my huge fucking mouth. also honesty is super important, even if it’ll make me feel shitty

17. What is your most treasured memory?

when i went camping with a bunch of friends and they were bitter i got to be in the middle of the tent because they were all cold. either that or the time i was getting really bad sleep paralysis and @lonelywaterfall & @skity stayed over so my paranoia didnt render me completely useless,,, also the paramore concert lol ive never been more vulnerable in my life.

18. What is your most terrible memory?

coming out to my mom haha

19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?

i’d go on a trip around the world to explore/to see a few people, and i’d put extra effort into my gender expression

20. What does friendship mean to you?

comfortable silence is my kink. also emotional vulnerability and SAD BOY HOURS we cant forget those

21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?

I’m such a slut for physical affection yall have no idea please hug me as much as possible and play with my hair or my hands

22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.

i guess ill do the same with previous partners so.. i think being funny is probably the #1 thing i appreciate in someone. when you make me laugh so hard i cry, just know that’s like. peak. also stubbornness is strangely attractive to me, plus like,,, uh having an unexpected soft side? an appreciation of art is super important, too. also SPOON VERSATILITY.

23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?

it was probably happier than a lot of people’s but there wasnt much to it. plus being the youngest in my ENTIRE family really sucked during my childhood because everyone picked on me and i think that’s probably what started a lot of my issues lol

24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

better than it could be, but definitely not what i want it to be. we both love each other and i admire her work ethic, but she gave me a lot of anxiety problems (both genetically and not) and she isnt the most understanding person. i have hope though, people change

25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling …

I’m hungry and sitting alone in front of my computer feeling like OVERSHARING ON THIS BEAUTIFUL THURSDAY MORNING, BOYS

26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share …

many, MANY animals and a lighthouse in the middle of nowhere

27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.

I’m REALLY insecure about my body xd

28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.

LOVE feeling safe. 

29. Share an embarrassing moment in your life.

probably every time that i’ve ever worn a dress, because i really,, really dont like wearing dresses and that’s it

30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?

last cried by myself this morning and last cried in front of another person at my friend’s birthday party

31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.

no partner but if youre reading this im rly proud of ur attention span. gj buddy

32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

i think most things can be joked about after a certain amount of time, but like,, it has to actually be funny and it has to come from someone i know isnt serious about it. if a joke is made just for the purpose of being offensive and edgy, it’s never funny no tea just truth. 

33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?

i’d regret not spending enough time with people that i love, not traveling as much as i should have, and also i’d regret not formally coming out of the closet to my family (they probably already been done knew but like. yknow). i came out to myself & the people closest to me a LONG ass time ago, but i’ve kinda seen what it did to my immediate family so im not too excited to do that to my extended family. if i’m not too much of a pussy, ill probably do it in the summer when i see them next, bc ive been meaning to for a while.

34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?

is it bad of me to say my computer? i feel like everyone else has a much more meaningful answer lol. it would probably either be that or the papers i keep on my bulletin board, bc most of them hold a lot of sentimental value (also my prescriptions  would be a pain to get copies of)

35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?

either of my parents because i dont want them dying before i reach the point where i can expect them to be happy for me when i marry a girl

36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

personal problems? what’re those lmfao dont have any srry try me again later

 i’m too much of a pussy to tag certain people so if you see this and I've had any sort of conversation with you, do it coward

(also @skity  @drawinintherain )

[pidgezero-one]

dont message me about this please. I just need somewhere to dump it

I had a falling out with my best friend at the end of july and he completely cut off contact with me. i trusted him more than anybody in the world and there are no words to describe how much his friendship meant to me. the way this happened destroyed my sense of self-worth and I isolated myself from people and tried to fill that empty void with drinking and shitty eating habits (namely starving myself followed by binge eating). fell into a pretty bad depression and was constantly lethargic and unproductive. hated going out in public because I hated myself and didnt want to be seen.

suffered a death in the family at the end of august. this isnt something I cope with in a healthy way. especially during that period of time

started talking with my friend again in september but that didnt go very well either. still felt shitty about this every day, just having this constant nervousness and wanting to throw up and feeling like im carrying a huge weight on my shoulders, every day 24 hours a day. i had dreams about our situation all the time and it fucked me up. cant remember the last time I got a good nights sleep. developed a lot of trust issues from revelations that came out in the few discussions we had. we havent spoken in almost 2 months now. still really miss him but also still hurting over the things he said and did

2 weeks later, boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me when I got back from dreamhack. it wasnt really a surprise and there's no bad blood but was still a really hard adjustment. we had lived together since before we started dating.

we were splitting rent on a 1 bed apartment so now I have to pay for it myself. i dont really have the means to move. this fucked me over financially bc I was in the process of paying about 8000 dollars worth of debt accrued from when I was unemployed in 2014. so that's why none of you have really seen me since then, im saving money instead of going out to do things. this is also around when I decided to cut the drinking to prevent it from getting out of hand and decided to fix my eating habits, both of which are saving me money

met someone new in november who I got close to pretty quickly. he knew I was hurting from something, a lot of things, and helped me recover and was somehow over time able to convince me i didnt deserve any of what was going on. i started to believe it too. we spent a lot of time together and became very good friends.

around the same time i saw another friend have a falling out with his best friend and the way it got him down made me really angry. he didnt deserve to feel that poorly. this helped me realize that neither did i.

start of december, i fell mutually in love with the new friend. although it was just the beginning of the relationship, it was unprecedented in how genuinely loved I felt. we were supportive of each other in ways I didnt even know I could be. never enjoyed someone's company so much before or felt so totally safe telling them literally anything, and after I was having so much trouble and anxiety over opening up to anybody like that again, this was really really special that he could make me feel that way. especially considering the vulnerable state I was in, I tried to be cautious about getting this attached so quickly, but I decided to trust him. you kinda had to be there to understand just why I let myself feel this way despite it looking like a textbook mistake and me being well aware of that fact. he was thoughtful and respectful and considerate and was the most loving person i've ever known. we live a long distance apart and decided we'd take things slowly until we had the chance to spend some time together in person and discuss what our future looks like at that time. we spent a lot of time together calling each other around the holidays and never let a day (or an hour, really) go by without making the other feel loved and appreciated and worthwhile. for a christmas gift he contacted a lot of my friends and compiled a series of video and audio clips from all of them sending me kind words at the holidays to remind me that i'm loved. he really was a wonderful person.

being able to really believe that I didnt deserve to feel as badly as I had been since the summer, combined with falling in love again... I was finally something resembling happy again, I got my confidence back, I was energetic and productive and in an improved state of mind... not completely, things still hurt and I think they always will. but I was at least functioning. the wounds were still there and they were still fresh but I was at least starting to heal.

had to replace my pc because too much of my hardware was just not working anymore. that was a big financial setback I wasnt prepared for. my laptop mobo also broke so now I dont have one of those anymore. oh well. once im done paying off the last part of my debt im going to save up for a new one

start of january, one of my closest friends goes radio silent and unresponsive to texts and calls for over a week. i was a fucking mess worrying about him. (we hung out a few days ago but at the time holy shit)

my coworker at my job (the only other dev on my team) is leaving, so I have to learn a ton of new stuff and also train who we hire next, and im pretty stressed out about that on top of the status of my current major project

i didnt go to agdq this year, but that entire week was rough. wanted to stay off social media and stuff to not be reminded of it but this is where all my connections are and I need to work on shit. I spent a lot of last agdq making good memories with the friend i had the falling out with and thinking back to that just makes me really sad now.

was finally starting to enjoy streaming again and I injured my hand recently and cant use it to use a dpad or joystick, so now im not doing that either. it got infected pretty badly and ive been worried about that for a while, but it's healing up now. hopefully ill return soon. also having numerous other alarming things happen healthwise that are too TMI for here but... yeah

last week the guy i loved dumped me. not going to go into detail on this but i feel very very slighted by how he chose to do it. it had only been a month but im pretty messed up and blindsided by it. despite the short length I can't remember the last time I had any kind of interpersonal relationship that was so emotionally fulfilling. i still don't really understand. being around him hurt so much that I left my favourite discord server where a lot of my close friends are cause he's in there too. i miss being in there so much but i just cant do it

on saturday I got the news that one of my friends from the smash 64 community passed away unexpectedly. i went to the visitation on sunday. it still doesn't feel real.

i dont want to talk about it, I dont want any offers to talk about it, I dont want to relive it, I dont want to think about it, and especially especially I d o n t w a n t t o t a l k a b o u t i t. just getting it out there bc I feel kinda overwhelmed atm from everything. i just wanna focus on doing the things I need to get done to keep my mind occupied. i want my best friend back, i want the person I love back, i want my friend to come back to life. there's nothing else that can be done for me

[simplybennnnett]

hi I am here to rant about how much I HATE that mack kept fitz's death from deke

so let's depict this line by line... starting from his conversation with daisy

~~~

Daisy: What have you been told?

Deke: Well, Mack was pretty cagey on the details-

~~~

deke has been gone for a while (being amazing)

so here's what we know:

he just found out everyone went to space

he probably thinks they went just cuz

mack told him about it

mack did not say anything about fitz in that moment

mack is the biggest jerk on the planet

no the universe

mack literally had a chance to tell deke. who cares if he left then, he's back now, he's here, just let him know where is only 2 family members are. it's literally not hard to say:

"hey, jemma and daisy went to space to go get fitz, because fitz didn't make it through the battle but there is another fitz in space and he is perfectly fine"

that's literally one of the easiest ways to say it

~~~

Mack and May are talking about something, Deke walks in:

Deke: Why didn't you tell me!?

Mack: *sighs* Might want to give us a minute.

May: *rolls her eyes* Gladly.

~~~

THIS!

mack was waiting for this conversation to happen

he knew eventually deke would find out and he just... didn't say anything?

please someone point out the logic

and don't say "it was just too hard for mack to talk about"

cause no.

it wasnt.

he has no problem talking about it now

and then there's may

deke walks into the room and sound so unlike deke

he's clearly mad

distressed

upset

you can hear it in his voice

this isn't deke coming to bother someone, this is deke legitimately looking for an answer. even if you don't know his question you can hear how serious he is. but may rolls her eyes and uuuggghhh her reaction just makes me so angry!

it's not hard to tell when someone is upset, I really don't understand why people cant get out of their pretty little heads to see that maybe they are not the only ones who have some problems

can you tell I'm sensitive on this subject???

~~~

Deke: Fitz died. He died, and no one was gonna bother to, I don't know, send me a text?

Mack: It was complicated-

Deke: Yeah, no kidding.

~~~

okay but it wasnt.

you know what is complicated:

fighting aliens

finding out you are an alien

losing a limb

losing TWO limbs

robots who are too human

time travel

time travel to the end of the world

THE END OF THE WORLD

things that aren't complicated:

texting a friend to tell him one of HIS ONLY FAMILY MEMBERS has died BUT it's okay because they have a way to get him back

it's not complicated. mack just didn't tell him. period.

~~~

Deke: Besides the fact that this completely proves my entire multi-verse theory 'cause I'm still here,

~~~

he was scared

deke was legitimately scared of what would happen if the time line changed

he probably spent all the time he was gone wondering if one day he would *poof* out of existance

he was scared

and he wouldn't have had to been if SOMEONE would have told him

~~~

Deke: -there's a second Fitz! And-and you sent a team out to find him, and you didn't tell me that either?! That's not complicated. That just sucks!

~~~

and he's right!

it does suck.

it would have taken mack 20 seconds tops to text him and that is the literal least he could have done

he should have said something

~~~

Mack: It was the call made at the time.

Deke: Well, maybe you shouldn't be making the calls because that was bad one.

~~~

okay I have like 3 things that I need to point out now:

1. mack made the call

mack made the call not to tell deke. maybe he consulted jemma, but honestly, I doubt it. jemma is such a family person she probably wasn't even thinking about anyone else but fitz at that point AND she probably assumed someone would tell deke maybe like *cough* the director who shouldn't be director *cough*

which leads me to the next point

2. he really shouldn't be making the calls

this is more toward the writers than it is toward mack

daisy should have been director. she has been loyal to shield and coulson longer than mack. she was there through the hydra problem, the alien problem, the outer space problem, the robot problem, and the time travel problem and she was closest to coulson right behind may. if not daisy then it should have been may. it should not have been mack. it just should not have been.

3. mack cannot come up with a justifiable reason as to why he didn't tell deke

OKAY AND NOW THE MOST IMPORTANT ONE

he can't.

he doesn't tell him why he made the call he just says he does. deke had a right to know and mack didn't tell him and he had no reason to keep that from him. there was no reason.

~~~

Mack: It looked like you had other priorities besides being apart of this team.

Deke: Oh, this team? You mean the team that I helped bring back from the dystopian future?

Mack: Yeah, you did that. Then you left.

~~~

This makes me so mad.

I have to admit I had to read a Wikipedia article to remember the deke's story but even before I did that, I know that he did not grow up with a good childhood. he lived in a place where people killed each other for food. he lived in a terrible place with no trees no sky no nothing. he lived in the freaking middle of space. he lives in a place with blue aliens that constantly tried to kill them.

and then he comes to earth

and there's trees, and there's a sky, and there's everything.

people aren't always trying to kill him there's food everywhere, he finally has it all.

there's just one thing looming over his head

if the timeline changes, will he stay on Earth?

I don't know about you but if that question was on my mind constantly, you bet everything you own that I am out doing the most that I can before I spontaneously disappear.

deke had every right to leave.

he had every right to go live his life, to go build a company, to go see the world, to go experience things. he had every right.

and even then. Even if he didn't have the right to leave, mack still had no right to NOT tell deke.

deke was still a family member to fitz, he was related to him. that gives him a right to know!

anyway mack is a jerk lets move on...

~~~

Deke: I would have gone on the mission to help you find him.

Mack: I believe you.

~~~

you can tell he doesnt

he doesnt believe him. at this point he is doing anything he can to deflect the conversation away from him.

mack probably just forgot to tell deke, but instead of just owning up to that mistake, he is creating excuses and deflecting the conversation away from his own mistake by guilting deke and telling him lies.

he will do or say anything to get deke away and to have him stop pointing out his own mistakes

~~~

Mack: And if we get things settled here on the home front, you'll get your chance. 'Cause I'm gonna pour every resource we have into getting back out there and bringing them home.

~~~

if deke hadn't found out, I doubt mack would have given him this chance. he probably would have continued on life without him. mack does not believe the deke is capable of anything good. He's just saying this to make deke happy and to make him content.

~~~

Deke: *nods*

Mack: But... until then, I need someone smart enough to fill their shoes.

~~~

if you watch the scene closely, right before mack says this he kind of looks around, like he's trying to find something to give deke.

he wants deke off his back.

a part of me thinks that mack thinks the deke is a joke. I don't think deke could do anything to earn mack respect at this point.

~~~

Mack: Maybe you can put that google-sized brain of your to work and help crack this tech.

Deke: What, you tryin' to flatter me?

Mack: Absolutely

Deke: Well... totally worked.

~~~

and if he wasn't trying to flatter de ak, and deek didn't take it so lightly, I would think that Max was making fun of him. sorry. maybe this is a stretch. but this is what I got from this scene.

also maybe put this into perspective.

deke lived in a dystopian world where he had to steal things to be able to eat. The chances of survival were low and nobody liked him. everyone thought of him as a traitor but he was really just doing what he could to survive. I think that he would give anything for someone to tell him that he is doing something good.

I don't even live on an alien planet and I strive for people to tell me that I'm doing something good.

deke is not self-centered.

immature? yes.

naive? Yes.

but self-centered? no.

He's just looking for validation and acceptance. and nobody on this stupid team is giving it to him.

except for jemma

but she's in space so.

no wonder he builds such a big company with a good atmosphere. it's what he wants. it's the environment he wants.

~~~

so basically what im trying to say is mack is a jerk and i hate him... thanks bye ;)

[kosmicdream]

Temp. FFAK Official Timeline

This is a very rough, temp timeline for FFAK. It mostly covers events that have already happened or at least have been mentioned. I dont really cover anything that is happening in the present day timeline lol. I might make edits to this in case i fucked up in places or maybe ill just do a totally new one at some point! you dont even know how messy my actual one is like my god its an ever worse horrible clusterfuck of text. (Also remember, the ffak story has no time travel so dont be worried about that sort of mindfuckery!) enjoy

Years before 1414: Whenever was 600 million years ago i dont want to do the exact math: Evil Mother is born but shes not called that at all cuz she adopts that name later in life but just know she is here and readt to party Lots of stuff happens. like idk. evolution and life. 600 mil years is a long time ok -LALALA -HUMANS AT SOME POINT COME TO BEING.and form civilization and.. all that -modern human society exist! ppl have tvs and such. -Mandragora Worms have gone ‘extinct’!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ooooo -??????????? a ton of other stuff. isnt history cool?? kicks legs, yells -mysterious worm break outs all over dmtia. bombs fall. wars. despair!  -Grant Lumberman gets a doggy at some point and loves it but then it dies and so does his family and friends and his whole city he is relocated to the Auseklis moon colony (on Dmtia’s moon!) along w/ other Vena Cavian kiddos !!!! (in yr 1414)

YEAR 1415 [Scene From Ch. 11: Pages 3161-3196, 3400-3401] Characters: Randall Aiguille - Age 20 Mr. Rotten (Which was named “Aeschylus” at the time, created by Randall) Crosshatch Unit (sort of) Rembrandt Aiguille - Age 22 Grant Lumberman (Aka, ‘Good Leadman’) - Age 14 Octavian ��Otto" Silverberg - Age 15 (I was gonna type up every referenced scene like this then i was like fuck it thats too hard! lol)

Years 1416-1425 ?????????????? (most events likely will be mostly covered in a prequel series.) YEAR 1420: Crosshatch Unit first programmed/built by Randall/Rembrandt Aiguille leadman and evil mother fall in lurv at some point

YEAR 1426 Miracle Baby Crimson is Born (From Good Leadman/Evil Mother worm fuck action yeehaw)

YEAR 1427 -Crimson’s 2 eyes are removed + Evil Mother Believes they are dead and leaves Leadman to work with Tricend -Canary is Born (From Evil Mother, and a King Worm) -Hekatons are made (From The King worm that made Canary, concept of Hekatons is from Evil Mother) -July 8th: Perkons Hatches and will not let anyone near the other 4 eggs!! stay away

YEAR 1428 - Good Leadman (Age 27) and Perkons (6 months old) Meet (Happens in Jan) (Multiple scenes in ch10, continued in Ch11) Perkons turns 1 in July. -Perkons gets a hold of 1 of Crimson’s eyes at some point, turns it into a Knife.

YEAR 1429 - Perkons turns 2 in july and is a fully matured adult. Rest of the 4 hekatons eggs hatch sometime after in that year. -Dievas assumes protective guardian role for his siblings.  -Dievas meets Aeschylus. (ch11) YEAR 1430 Perkons turns 3. The rest of the first hekatons are one. During this year they mature to an adult. YEAR 1431 Lauma meets Velns, who is imprisoned. Then shortly after, Perkons confronts Lauma, she is 2, he is 4. So It took place after July 1431. He transforms the 2nd crimson eye into a Spoon in front of her.

Years 1431-1448 (specific dates not all disclosed sry): -Velns/Lauma, Dievas/Laima begin making children. baby baby baby! YEAR 1438 - Crimson (Age 11) is eaten by a Hydragora Queen worm - loosing her human body in the process but gaining a worm one instead. -Crimson runs around in a destroyed city, holding a corpse. Meets Velns who taunts them. -Lauma and Dievas make up, and have their first nest together- a Batch of A/B hybrid eggs. -Lauma is killed by Perkons -Velns is killed by Perkons (Which was also on Dmtia’s Moon, so the moon is destroyed.) -Laima is “killed” by Perkons. (Actually survived, as part of Dievas’ plan.) -Perkons confronts Dievas with the Crosshatch Unit and mention they fight for Peace and under the “Thumb” alliance. Perkons kills Dievas. (scene in ch11) -Laima escapes with A/B Eggs, as well as other hekaton eggs. (and will later form the Ghost Kingdom, which she rules as queen.) ????? many other things happen????? these were some busy years folks

YEAR 1449 -Crimson meets a Helper, Galore the Hekaton, and a Bunny worm (who will later grow up to be agent Paper) in the forests of DMTIA (Ch9) -Galore “meets" her first parents, Lauma and Velns, in some mysterious coma dream thing from listening to crims sexy magical heartbeat (also Ch9) ??????????more events happen??????????? -Galore “Dies” by exploding. Crimson witnesses it. -Bunny wormed named Cirrus “Dies” and is buried in a grave. However, she was only injured she later climbs out only to witness Crimson and Celadon leave in Crimson’s truck and it was the saddest thing ive had to draw ok. i am crying even remembering it ??????????more secret events this was yet another busy and traumatizing year for crimson????????????? -Months later, Crimson (age 23) has a conversation with her third mandragora heart, and ends up having a period sex masterbate-y fantasy that made many readers scream in terror when they read it.(Ch11)

Years 1450-1904 god so much stuff happens during this time, lays on the ground. i mean just fucking look at how much time that is. thats over 450 years lol nbd right

YEAR 1905 -Agent Knife is sent on a remote mission (back to Planet Dmtia) to hunt down one of thumbs most wanted criminals, a man named “SIMON MCGOLD” -After months of searching/failed attempts at locating him, Knife confronts and is stung by Simon’s close personal bodyguard, a queen worm named Nail who is famous for killing over 50,000 Hekatons. (Gaining him the nickname “Hekaton Hunter.” (CH12) -?????????? more stuff happens like you dont even know????????

Years 1906-1924 ??????????? lots of stuff??????? lets laugh at some spoon stuff together tho -Spoon thinks Knife is stupid but weirdly interesting i guess -Spoon tries to pretend hes not in love w/ knife cuz thats like??? g...ay??? -Spoon realizes he’s totally hot for Knife and decides hes gonna totally seduce him -Spoon realizes flirting isnt going well with knife and is actually rly deeply hurt by rejection and so he tries to sleep around w/ other ppl  to pretend hes fine cuz w/e!! who cares -Spoon realizes hes totally in love w/ Knife and is devastated by Deeply Gay emotions -Spoon moves in w/ Knife and spoon tries to pretend he is fine w/ just being Knife’s obsessively devotedly loyal but not romantic/sexual partner. just ttly... platonic.. best dude pals..!!! who murder together -Spoon realizes he cannot handle just being friends and attempts to move out cuz he just is having a meltdown -Knifes like chill we’re already dating and Spoon is like “wtf we are?” and knife’s like “why else would i let you move in w/ me” and spoon just stares at a wall for like 12 hrs in shock -They start to officially for real date™ after spoon regains contact with reality -???????stuff??????? -Spoon dresses up as AGENT BEE!!!!!!!!!!!! THE MOST IMPORTANT EVENT IN ALL OF HISTORY HANDS DOWN MARK UR CALENDARS 

YEAR 1925 July 8th - Simon (now Agent Spoon) has been in a relationship with Knife for 20 years. He meets Celadon #1. Location is the forests on the moon THUMB HQ. who is rightfully pissed as fuck at him. kick his ass, girl (she does btw) (ch11)

YEAR 1926 -Knife Adopts a tiny perfect adorable fluffball c-type and names him Kurt. -Spoon hates it like more than anything ever -Spoon and Knife end up having to live separately, causing a huge strain in their relationship.

Years 1927-1936 -feeling neglected, Spoon starts to sleep around, including the Crosshatch unit and becomes p close friends w/ them! its actually a positive thing for once. wtf (ch11) -Kurt becomes Agent Fork and works alongside Agent Knife on missions and its adorable and great but knife’s depression is also growing bc he misses spoon

YEAR 1937 Cash Leadman is born! :D

YEAR 1938 Rome Aiguille is born! he doesnt even hate worms at this point! Years 1939-1955 more stuff. ect. 

YEAR 1956 -Locket confronts Knife. Knife is so traumatized from meeting a surprise biological child that he has a meltdown and vanishes. he is then believed to have died. -Spoon Explodes from sadness of the news, but does not die. Half of him leaves to Cash Leadman’s house, who convinces him to keep living. He becomes “Scissor”, using her former crosshatch robot body. (ch11) -The other half meets Locket and has his Spoon stolen from him. very sads. Also cant wear thongs anymore (ch11)

YEAR 1957 -At some point during this year, Spoon kills Agent Rock’s dad and also prevents Fork from being able to enter Wibbleworld (his dream). (Scene in ch8) -Fork goes back to prison (guess what, it wasnt his first time goin’ there!) 

YEAR 1958-present -the death of rock’s hot dad springs a chain reaction of all his sons trying to kill spoon and getting revenge. Spoon successfully kills them all though lmfao. dont fuck with the leg.  -fork breaks up with dollop and she starts stalking him

YEAR 1961 -Dylan and Agent Knife meet in Wibbleworld moon, on July 8th (his birthday) He reveals secrets to her. (ch11) -Dylan/Celadon and Antony believe they are successful at killing Agent Knife on this same day.

YEAR 1962 -Feb 2 - Aeschylus wakes up in LEVEL K of the Crosshatch Colony (The Aiguille Moon) and is escorted by Antony Aiguille (Age 21) and Celadon #1, #2 and #3. Dylan and Barfy show up. (Ch 11) -Dylan tries to convince Antony not to get eaten (and fails) (ch12) -March - A mysterious earthquake and worm outbreak kills 20,000 residents in the Crosshatch Colony. O_O  -July 7th - Fork meets Dylan for the first time. :3 (Another serving episode one!) -July 8th: This is where the present timeline begins! Canary wakes up on a platform. Hooray! we made it. i dont feel like typing out the events u can just read the comic i guess lol. farts! 

YEAR 1963: Hasnt actually happened yet, but the final feast is said to occur this year!!!!!!! O_O ooo  EDIT: one of the events were out of order, but this has been fixed (8/19/2017) 

[tumblunni]

Okay, kinda TMI talk here about period problems and Bunni Being Worried And Dysphoric, blablabla I’m just having a huge stupid panic moment right now cos I read some internet medical articles and LIKE USUAL I’m being all ‘oh god i probably have the worst case scenario disease on the list, I’m gonna fuckin die’ even though I literally have never been right about that even ONCE when I’ve done it. Still, it sucks having a stupid anxiety disorder cos you can just feel your body throwing you into panic attack mode even as you are rationally saying to yourself that this worrying thing has a 0% chance of happening. Its impossible to just choose to not be afraid of something... *sigh*... SO YEAH ANYWAY UMM Don’t want to worry anyone, I’m totally gonna be fine and I’m just being irrational mess about something that’s probably gonna be a super easy solution once I see the doctor. I’ll just book an appointment tomorrow or later this week, no biggie. And I’ll write all this stuff down so I can avoid freaking out and crying over how embarassing Vagina Health is when you’re trying to ask your cis male doctor about it and you’re a trans person who just wants to stab themself whenever they think about this goddamn Wrong Organ. like seriously, the biggest comfort I am using right now to come down from this panic attack is ‘hey, if it IS a big horrible cancer tumour, then at least it means they cant stop me from getting a hysterectomy now!’ :P so umm anyway that was probably too TMI already but I’ll put the more TMI stuff under the cut

OKAY! SO! I’ve suffered from REALLY HORRIBLY BAD periods for like.. ever They usually had an issue of being way too short but also WAY TOO POWERFUL. I’d have just a one day absolute burning pain blast where I would literally be unable to walk. LITERALLY BE UNABLE TO WALK! Like, I COULD NOT STAND that my dad was just telling me ‘;you’re lying, you’re exaggerating, its just cramps’ when the pain WASNT EVEN THE GODDAMN CRAMPS. I got fucking stabbing pain in my lower back for no damn reason, was inexplicably constipated and throwing up, got a huge hot-and-cold-flushes fever, complete muscle weakness in my legs which made them fucking shut down, and like.. LABOR SYMPTOMS. Its this weird horrible downward pressure pain in my pelvis and I was just a goddamn kid so i was like.. ‘i cant even tell if this is part of the constipation’, i would be spending five hours on the toilet desperately trying to shit out a shit that didn’t exist, as my body spasmed itself to death forcibly ejecting out way more blood than I ever thought I even had. I It took me so long to find out that that wasnt normal for a period?? That this didnt happen to everyone???? And cos its SO GROSS AND EMBARASSING to talk about these particular symptoms, I didnt tell anyone. Even when i finally was able to get some pain medication from the doctor, I just mentioned the abnormal amount of bleeding and pain, not the weird ‘wtf my bowels just stopped working as if my ovaries are constantly punching them for 24 hours’ part. Seriously just fuckin.. so degrading and disgusting.

And i was a fuckin 13 year old kid, this just abruptly started in my second year of having a period, and my dad was a sick fucker who ‘didnt believe in doctors’ and didnt believe i was telling the truth about my symptoms. So I had to live FROM 13 TO 17 without EVEN KNOWING THAT ASPIRIN AND IBUPROFEN EXISTED! i was going through all of this without even the basic pain medication most people have for normal periods! Once monthly I would BEG GOD TO LET ME DIE Seriously i would spend THE WHOLE 24 HOURS screaming in horrible pain on the floor that gradually got worse until I finally couldnt move my legs and passed out from exhaustion. And all i could do was hope that I’d get weaker each month and pass out faster, cos seriously being able to sleep through it was THE BIGGEST BLESSING EVER like DEAR GOD like ONCE I was able to get to sleep during the point where it was milder pain and then when I woke up it was already over and AAAAAAHHHHH I got to go a full two months without feeling that death madness again and seriously fuckin.. how the fuck could my dad look at this small child screaming and vomiting and sweating like I was in the sahara and gushing blood from every oriface cos i fuckin VOMITED SO HARD I VOMITED BLOOD and somehow still think I was just ‘making it up’

god one of my worst memories was how I had this huge horrible period death attack in the middle of school and my poor teacher was trying to comfort me and trying to call my dad to pick me up, and he just Did Not Give A Shit so the teacher tried to drive me home himself and just.. god I was so happy even as I was dying just cos I got to meet ONE PERSON who had sympathy for me and even actually said ‘hey you should see a doctor’. And all i gave him in return was throwing up in a trash bin for an hour in the back of his car, and then he had to meet my awful father and have a door slammed in his face. And then as soon as he got me inside the house dad just hit me and screamed at me for ‘embarassing him’ and ‘ditching school’ and man the only good side effect of being Fucking Dead On The Floor Already is that I did not feel a thing of it and barely even managed to hear a word he said. I think he just gave up cos seriously i wasnt even fuckin moving, i guess the fun goes out of beating your kid when they’re too fuckin stoned on their own vomit fumes to even be able to cry anymore. Oh and my other Even More Worse memory was when I missed the chance to see Howl’s Moving Castle cos of this shit. I saw like the first twenty minutes of it before my period hit while I was in the middle of the theater and then i had to spend three hours crying and puking and bleeding and laying on the floor in a pool of my own vomit in a cinema bathroom while my dad screamed at me as if i was purposely faking just to embarass him. Like seriously dude?? BASIC LOGIC, PLEASE! he was CONSTANTLY accusing me of doing really horrible manipulative things all the time, as some sort of twisted excuse to hit me and pretend i was an evil fucker causing every problem in his life so he didnt have to feel guilty about doing it. And it NEVER MADE ANY GODDAMN SENSE! Even if i WAS an evil monster, what would that evil monster’s MOTIVE be? Why would i constantly do these evil things that serve no purpose except to get myself half killed by my dad? Why would I ruin a cinema trip that I asked to go to, to see a movie I waited all year to see??? And the most vivid disgusting part of it all was when he walked in and saw me like that and I LITERALLY ASKED TO DIE, and he LITERALLY LAUGHED. I begged him to call a doctor, he laughed and said I was exaggerating. I begged him to call an AMBULANCE, he laughed harder. I told him to his face that I wanted to kill myself just to make the pain stop, and he acted as if it was the funniest thing he ever heard, turned around and left and watched another movie. The poor cinema staff were left taking care of me while he ignored me, he wouldnt even take me home, he was just like... waiting til he finally got bored enough to do it. His biggest concern was ‘eww you made me walk into the girls’s bathroom’... I’m never gonna be able to stop remembering that, I’m never gonna be able to deny how absolutely certain I was that I’d rather end my life right there than live this nightmare for another month and another month for like fuckin 30 or 50 years. God I wanted to kill myself A LOT when i was with my dad, but this one was the worst cos for all I knew I’d be stuck with this pain forever even if I managed to escape him. I was so fucking ignorant! I didnt even know there was easy to acquire pain medication you could buy in any supermarket across the world! I mean, I still have the problem of my period being more severe than expected and all, but the meds at least made it NON SUICIDAL LEVELS OF PAIN. And god I once wanted to kill myself as a young child because I didnt know those existed. And I didnt know that transgender people existed or that there were words to put to my other feelings of disgust about having a period. I may still be depressed in a lot of ways, but I’m living a way better life now!

So umm yeah anyway my current worry today is because my period hasn’t ended for like 2 or 3 months now. I can’t even pinpoint the exact time it happened, cos it started with just light spotting and my period coming a few days late every month for like a year? and then it would last longer, and sometimes I’d get a small bit of bleeding suddenly starting up five days later and ending within a few hours. I sorta didnt think much of any of these symptoms and i cant nail down exactly when it just increased so much that it became this noticeably constant. And its REALLY weird for me, cos also all this stuff came along with my period not hurting as much?? And now for the last month i haven’t felt any pain at all, so I cant even tell which part of all this bleeding was the actual period. And I’m bleeding way less than usual, its just... constant. Its not even enough to be a big problem so I didnt wanna tell anyone and be a bother, its not like I’m losing blood enough to get light headed, its just annoying having so many pairs of underwear ruined and feeling more dysphoric 24/7. And it makes me pretty anxious cos I didnt know what was causing this and whether it was a symptom of some bigger problem- like, it doesnt hurt but maybe its a sign i have fuckin death doom cancer or something and its suddenly gonna start hurting any second now???

So yeah, today I finally stopped being anxious and decided I’m gonna call a doctor next week, and did some internet research to see if this is serious enough to really call the doctor. And cos I’m dumb I panicked thinking of the worst case scenario, but also doing that research kinda cheered me up cos now at least I know an explanation for why the symptoms seemingly got worse on random days, and like.. this isnt an impossible thing. Cos seriously, yeah, raised in a household with No Doctors Ever. i dont know very much about medical health, when this first started happening i freaked out cos i had NEVER HEARD of bleeding outside the regular monthly cycle and from all I knew it was PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE and I’m PROBABLY DYING xD But no, apparantly spotting and mistimed periods and going one or two weeks of constant bleeding are all completely natural variances that just happen, and you dont even need to call a doctor for that. I just need to call a doctor cos its been happening a bit more often than that, they say up to a month is a normal amount. And apparantly the vast, VAST majority of conditions that cause constant period are not remotely life threatening, the worst possible scenario is becoming infertile or just.. having to continue experiencing mildly annoying bleeding a lot. Apparantly a lot of people choose to not have an operation cos they don’t wanna lose the ability to have children, but fuck I’ve been hoping to lose that thing FOREVER, jesus christ! damn docs won’t let you have a hysterectomy ‘without reason’, like seriously why is ‘i dont want to have children’ not a reason?? and why is ‘i have never had sex and never will have sex’ not a reason and also why is ‘i’m nonbinary transgender and would like this surgery even though i don’t want genital surgery’ not an option seriously MAN PLEASE can I at least go on hormones doc. seriously everyone is being all ‘well treating your ptsd and depression is a bigger priority right now’ and i mean ITS NOT LIKE THERE’S A REAL DEADLINE FOR WHEN THAT’S GONNA END and DYSPHORIA KINDA DOESNT MAKE IT ANY EASIER gahhhh god i really REALLY hope they let me have a hysterectomy i am gonna be SO DISSAPPOINTED now if it turns out this ovary failure is not the particular sort of ovary failure that requires removal of ovaries. plz kill them. pliz mr docter. they haf plagued my lyfe 4 too longe. XD god, sorry, like I said I’m just really dysphoric talking about Vagina Health Stuff so i’m getting a bit irrational and ranty. Its just like that ‘please can i skip the middle man and get to the end of the transition already’ feeling. I know it would be stupid to not listen to my doctor’s advice on the subject. Tho I do kinda feel like everyone is just patronizing me and doenst think that nonbinary really exists, i’m still trying to get my support worker to stop calling me a girl... MAN IM GOING OFFTOPIC TO A WHOLE OTHER ANXIETY HERE

Anyway! Researching into possible causes of it! It’s entirely possible i may have Adenomyosis, which would ironically mean I have an excess of estrogen in my system and am like.. Too Female To Female. I’m gonna fuckin cry if its this, that’s like the biggest fuckin sign that your sex doesn’t have to align with your gender! or lol maybe god is trying to compensate, i just imagine its like throwing too much sugar into a cake to try and make up for it tasting like shit. sorry dude, woman machine broke. BUT I don’t seem to have like a huge amount of symptoms for that one, aside from just the excess bleeding outside of my cycle. So I’m leaning more towards the ones that also include back pain and uhh.. gross bowel issues of embarassingness. It might be that I was always showing preemptive signs of one of these conditions!

One other that it could possibly be is Endometriesis which is a really fuckin cool sounding word but impossible to spell, lol. Apparantly its this TERRIFYING CONCEPT where your uterus is like.. a tumour in your gut. For whatever reason there’s uterine tissue growing in your intestines, stomach or other butt related tubes. I dont wanna read more about it cos its already making me terrified and anxious, so I dont even know HOW exactly that works. I mean is it like there’s a big ol hole stabbing through your organs connecting two unconnected things together?? Cos if so, I cant understand why its saying that its an easy operation and a never fatal condition! So I’m assuming maybe its more like everything is still separate but like.. the composure of the cells in your intestines is wrong? There’s like a tiny vestigal lump of uterine lining tissue in your stomach lining instead? i guess maybe they’re somehow vaguely related, so like.. if the human body begins from stem cells that can grow into any other cell to make a full human, it would seem entirely plausable that rather similar organs or skin thingies could accidentally form all vice versa. i guess thats also the reason for mutations like people growing an extra finger? I had a friend who had two extra fingers at birth, actually! I felt really sad when she told me about it, it was like years after we met that she felt comfortable enough to tell me about where her hand scars came from. i just remember i felt SO CONFUSED why she’d even think that like.. she had to be super certain i was a good person who wouldnt make fun of her. Why on earth would you mock someone for something like that?? How many other people must have treated her like shit if she feels this ashamed of her own hands?? And I felt really sad that she had them amputated too, I just find it a bit disturbing and surreal that there’s this societal thing of giving extensive surgery to very young children to ‘correct’ something that’s completely harmless just because it ‘looks wrong’. i’ve read stories about stuff like a child having like a split arm, an extra arm attatched at the elbow. And that particular operation to ‘correct’ it literally made the kid lose all ability to use both arms, just so they could have one ‘normal’ looking nonfunctional one. Thats messed up! Its EVEN WORSE that this happens the most commonly with intersex conditions, its invasive GENITAL surgery on newborn infants and even assigning them a random gender based on whichever form of genitals was easiest to ‘recreate’ with plastic surgery. These poor kids dont even get to know about what happened to them until they grow up and uncover this horrifying pandora’s box of medical files...

Oh, and speaking of intersex conditions, another possibility is that I might have PCOS, which is like being intersex in hormones but not outer genetalia. But I’m not sure about it cos I don’t have a lot of the more visible symptoms of it, aside from adult acne and ‘weight gain' which is.. well im pretty damn sure I gained this weight the normal way instead XD It also says that unusual hair growth might be a symptom, but it doesnt seem I have it in any of the places that’re common for the disease. I’ve had a weird thing of suddenly gaining light spots of hair on my belly and neck in the past few years. Its weird cos it really is just spots for the neck, its only growing in the right side in a little circle. i dunno what’s up with that! It sucks cos I really would like to be able to grow proper facial hair, I’m only able to do a very spotty mustache that just makes me look even more like a woman I think. i just look like an ugly woman, I feel like everyone can instantly tell I’m DFAB and they’re just laughing at me for this one failed attempt to look masculine. Also it fuckin sucks being overweight cos binders don’t work as well! They’ve gotta be wider to fit around a bigger body of course, but that means its hard to find the right size that’re be tight where it counts withough being tight on the shoulders. I think my current one is too baggy, I can’t stand even looking like a normal dude of my weight level, i cant stand even having regular fat guy ‘moobs’. I WANNA DESTROY THEM ENTIRELY!! Also, incidentally, I’m kinda terrified the most of being diagnosed with PCOS just cos it’d make my dysphoria worse. It’d kinda make me worry that maybe my identity is invalid and I only feel this way cos I have this hormone problem, and I’d probably refuse to take any treatment just in case it somehow cures my transness :P

The one that currently seems most likely is ‘uterine fibroids’. Apparantly its a non cancerous form of tumour that’s so small that its not remotely damaging, and surgery is very easy and non scary. The problem is just that you have so many of these small things slowly stacking up over the years, and being hard to spot until its already gotten bad. Plus even a small thing can be very painful when its in a very sensitive organ. I’m thinking its probably this cos they mention specifically lower back pain and constipation/other bowel problems. The endometrisis one would also explain the constipation during periods, but this one has a wider range of very specific symptoms that all seem to match.

Anyway, writing this up has helped distract me so I can calm down a little and wrap my head around all this. I just hope I can have enough courage to talk to the doctor about it and hopefully find out what it actually is. Oh, and a random tip I learned! Eating too much sugar increases menstrual bleeding! That was what was confusing me about my symptoms seeming to worsen out of nowhere on random days. I was super worried!! I guess the change is just more noticeable than it would be on my regular period, cos this one is lasting so long. I tested this out today by chugging one of the super grand milkshakes from that cool midnight milkshake takeaway shop, and I started getting the big ol scary clotty giant bleed within two hours. Waited a while til it stopped, drank another sugary drink, happened again! Definate correlation! I’m kinda relieved cos this definately proves it’s a period related problem, I’m not bleeding from like an exploded organ or something. This is definately specifically the ol menstrual blood, and I dont have some horrifying sudden septic wound in my vag out of nowhere. Tho seriously i dunno why I was worrying that cos its not like I’ve ever had sex, where would a wound even come from?? I guess I was just going nuts back when I was all uneducated and assumed it was Literally Impossible to have a period that lasts too long. Mannnn talking about this is SO GROSS I’m like cringing into the ninth dimension just from saying the word vag... Anyway now I’m actually feeling a bit lightheaded from the Even More So Than Before heavy bleeding, it probably wasnt a smart idea to test out the sugar thing twice in one day. Now I’m bleeding as much as I usually do on my regular period, which is probably not good cos I’ve already been losing a small amount of blood everyday. Apparantly carrots have a vitamin that helps decrease menstrual bleeding, but its late evening now and all the supermarkets are shut :P SOMEONE BEAM CARROTS INTO MY HOME, AAAAA lol i just need to calm down and get out of this panic attack, its probably just this in combination with the blood loss thats giving me lightheadedness. and then it makes me worry even more about the blood loss and enter an eternal death spiral of anxiety yet again... GAHH I HATE YOU DYSPHORIA DAY I WILL TALK TO THE DOCTOR AND SO HELP ME GOD I REALLY WISH THIS LEADS TO A HYSTERECTOMY seriously lol every time I’m doubting if I’m ‘really trans enough’ i should look back on this conversation where i’m wishing my uterus disease is the worst possible option just so i can get rid of the damn uterus.. ANYWAY BUNNI IS GONNA GO TRY AND CALM DOWN NOW COS I CANT CALL THE DOCTOR TIL TOMORROW ANYWAY

[andrewuttaro]

New Look Sabres: GM 63 - PHI - Brandon Montour

The Flyers tonight are a really tough pill to swallow. Ugly mascots that end up changing the game aside, overly optimistic Sabres fans such as myself have been looking up in the standings at who these guys can catch, rather frustratingly so as of late. With a Flyers win tonight they surprise the Sabres from behind and hop ahead of them in the standings. Can you imagine that violent, orange cookie monster impersonator surprising you from behind? Want to hear another surprise from behind, no this isn’t a sex joke: Marco Scandella paired with Brandon Montour. OH VETERAN, MY VETERAN! WHATSOEVER WOULD COACH HOUSLEY DO WITHOUT YOU! Housley’s prioritization of veteran minutes is going to be a whole paragraph in the Season Retrospective isn’t it? Yea, THE SEASON RETROSPECTIVE THAT WILL HAPPEN IN APRIL IF HE CAN’T PROPERLY UTILIZE THIS ROSTER! Ok, stop, Andrew. Optimism; remember the optimism with which you started this blog. Ugh, what different days those were. Speaking of not making the playoffs, let’s talk trash about the last team the Sabres played in the playoffs! Philadelphia, the past of this match up it that old ballad about working class cities just smashing their blue-collar lunch pals at each other as hard as possible. The world and the NHL has changed and now a playoff matchup between these two teams looks more like it would be a speed-skill bonanza then any kind of grit-for-grit hockey men party. The Sabres are building something new while the Flyers are copying the Penguins model: yeah, I said Penguins! Sabretooth wasn’t wearing pants when Gritty wasn’t even a sparkle in Jakub Voracek’s eye yet! 2011’s rematch is a going to go for the Sabres in 6, you sloppy copycats. That was fun; too bad it’s going to make this next part harder. This was the night the playoffs died. But no, you’re New Look Sabres, you preach taking a New Look at this team time and time again! How can you say its over!? Well, eight points with twenty games left will do that to you. Luckily, we’re not focusing on that tonight.

New Flyer Ryan Hartman set the tone of this game leveling Rasmus Dahlin along the boards early. Zach Bogosian and the old-time hockey alliance came crashing in like you know and instigator penalty, other penalty, whatever-whatever it panned out to nothing. Want to know why contemporary hockey fans don’t give a shit about keeping fighting in the game old boys club? It doesn’t help. At best it gives your team a moderate morale boost at worst it chops years off dudes’ lives. Whatever, it didn’t help the Sabres win this game. If the Sabres weren’t outshot each period they were certainly outplayed. By eight minutes in the Flyers were already up 2-0 on the backs of Oskar Lindblom and Jakub Voracek. Let’s get something out of the way: this loss wasn’t because of Carter Hutton. He was left out to dry and when we look back on this season their will be poetry in that. More and more every year this club is Jack Eichel and friends. Our favorite Patriots fan put this team on his back and made us believe again like Tom Brady! Ok, that was gross to write. I’m sorry you had to read that. I’m going to collect myself now. Jack Eichel did get the puck from Skinner and did toe drag a fucking bullet in there, but the period ended 2-1 and even the grossly optimistic types like me still kind of felt this crap wasn’t going to get much better. Like the cold, cruel march of time closer to death the Sabres would get scored on once they began to give us hope. 15 minutes into the second period James van Riemsdyk redirects a puck in front and gets the orange boys up 3-1. What is that? This is one of those game Casey Mittelstadt flashes the kind of brilliance we’ll get from him on the regular in a year and a half or so? Awesome, New Sabre Brandon Montour gets the play going in the defensive zone that would eventually end in Casey Mittelstadt tapping in a goal via Evan Rodrigues and Conor Sheary. 3-2 Flyers would be the high-water mark of this game for the Sabres as the only positive highlight of the third period would be Travis Sandheim doing his Sabres ten game winning streak impression and crashing the net less then a minute in to get the Flyers their two-goal lead back. Whatever whatever, Claude Giroux, whatever whatever, can you believe they eliminated Caelynn on the Bachelor, whatever whatever; Sabres lose 5-2 in regulation and give up another spot in the standings falling to a full eight points back. The Panthers might still win their game at the posting of this and they can hop over the Blue and Gold too because irony has no bounds in the season of the ten-game winning streak that saw no playoffs.

So yes, it’s not over until the fat lady sings. There is a ridiculous scenario where the Sabres win 65-75% of their remaining games to sneak into the playoffs. As I began saying last night, start cushioning the blow now, fam. Enjoy what’s left of the ride but start thinking about what’s for dinner. I’m letting my soccer side out starting now. Hell, I just posted on my politics blog for the first time in like a month. Let loose, Spring is officially 21 days away even if playoffs aren’t. However, this is not how I’m ending the blog today. No sir: we have a new player to celebrate. Brandon Montour had about as decent a game as you can have in a loosing effort on the road when your new coach insists on putting you with a negative player that is really only in because he’s been in the league for a while. I mentioned Montour being the catalyst of the Mittelstadt goal play earlier, but Montour made some good moves in this game. He broke up a lot of opposition passes in the defensive zone, more than you expected before with this Sabres defense. For all you suburban hockey dads he also laid out a decent hit or two in the third period that feels right in a game against the Flyers. He made his mistakes too, struggling in the offensive zone shortly before the JVR goal. Nonetheless Montour is a clear addition to this team and if shit ever gets better here for a Sabres fan I have a feeling #62 will be a part of it. This one just hurt, and I very much look forward to turning my attention to the Rochester Americans for tomorrow’s Amerks Angle update. I’ll be discussing banners in that one so if you need a palette cleanser check back tomorrow.

In fact, cross-promotion city here because how long can we talk about this dreadful team, if you got an eye for Soccer, I have a whole soccer blog at Rochester Rhinos Outsider if you want to check in on that. I also have a politics blog but let’s keep it in the sports family for right now. Right now: I just want you to like, share and drop a comment on this post. Let’s commiserate together because now, with the deadline past this is the bed we’re sleeping in from now until April 6th, fam. I’d love to hear from you. If you’ve read this far you probably won’t mind a conversation with me either. Reply or @ me on twitter or DM on twitter or Tumblr. If you’re only on this blog because I posted that neat little graph last night, stick around, there’s another one of those coming Saturday! No matter what you’re here for, it’s the Sabres that brought us all together and no matter how ass they maybe they can’t take that from us! Let’s Go Buffalo!

Thanks for reading.

P.S. In all the busy-ness of the last few days I forgot to mention Kyle Okposo is back already. Evidently his concussion was only slightly worse than Jeff Skinner’s ankle injury and he’s already back! I like to think fan support helped that along.