#like we're missing such big context for how this all comes about

[haru-dipthong]

Fansub Release + Analysis of Utena Ep 14

This is a big one!!

My fansub release posts aren't usually like this, but this episode is so jam packed with stuff I want to talk about that I had to write my translation notes as a series of essays. It's longer than usual so strap in!

First, a word on “The Mikage Seminar”

I’ve always found the translation “the Mikage Seminar” very strange. In English, a seminar is an event — a lecture. Yet “the Mikage Seminar” is discussed as though it’s not a recurring lecture, but a society or a school of therapy, or a cult (like scientology). In fact I did a bit of reading about scientology to try and find an alternative translation, and discovered that the origins of scientology, namely a set of ideas and practices called Dianetics, bears a lot of similarities to “the Mikage Seminar”. Both involve a type of therapy where one person looks into their mind and talks to an “auditor”.

The auditor coaxes the preclear to recall as much as possible. — Wikipedia

This in particular stood out to me! Mikage often says 「深く。もっと深く」 during his interviews (”Deeper. Dig deeper.”).

The Japanese word ゼミナール doesn’t actually come from the English “seminar” but the German “Seminar” (capitalised). According to Wikipedia, in Germany, and often in Japan, Seminar/ゼミナール is used to refer to a university course that includes a thesis project. So ゼミナール refers to a course of learning, rather than a talk or lecture. And it would make a lot of sense to call a system like Dianetics a “course”. Almost like a “course” of medicine — a “course” of psychological practices that you can join but never complete.

So it would make sense to translate it as “the Mikage Course”. But “course” has more meanings in English than just this, and in the context of a university this makes it sound more like a mundane teaching course. So I tried some other words: the Mikage Sessions, the Mikage Method, Mikage Psychotherapy, Mikage Therapy, the Mikage Movement. None seemed quite right. Until I remembered this post. ゼミナール is a foreign word in Japanese, why not find a foreign word for the translation? And so I settled on this:

The Mikage Seminarium, AKA The Society of the Black Rose…

Seminarium is Latin, and is where both the German and English derive seminar from. Its original meaning is “seed plot”, but it’s also just the Polish word for seminar. I really like how the Latin makes its meaning ambiguous — it kind of sounds like a location, kind of sounds like a society, and kind of sounds like a learning course. Because it is all of these things.

Anthy: では、香苗さん。失礼します。 Kanae: ね、あたしの事、お姉さんって呼んでいいのよ。もうすぐわたしはあなたの本当のお姉さんになるんだから。

A more literal translation:

Anthy: Thank you for having us, Kanae-san. Kanae: Please… you can just call me “sister”. I’m going to be your real sister soon enough anyway.

The translation I ended up going with:

Anthy: Thank you for having us, Miss Ohtori. Kanae: Please... you can just call me Kanae. We're going to be family soon. There's no need for the formalities.

Japanese honorifics strike again!

In English, sisters-in-law don’t ask to be called “sister”. That would be super weird in most scenarios, and this scene is trying to evoke a particular familiar feeling of closing a distance gap in a relationship. The audience is meant to relate. Changing how Anthy addresses Kanae was pivotal to this scene working properly.

わかりました。あなたは世界を革命するしかないでしょ。

I understand. Your only choice is to force the world to change around you.

This line is translated as “Your only choice is to revolutionise the world” by basically every other translation. The reason is clear — the Japanese is the same as when Utena pulls the sword out of Anthy, or when any of the other characters talk about “revolutionising the world”. However, in this context, I don’t like it. The nuance of the English phrase is quite different to the Japanese phrase. In English, it’s often used to describe new commercial products: “This new device will revolutionise the world!” It comes with an implied “for the better”, but has used to describe technological developments so unexciting that it can also feel hollow. When the student council talk of revolutionising the world, they sound like revolutionaries — the context makes it work. But in this context, it comes out of nowhere and doesn’t have any of that fervour, which makes it sound hollow and flaccid when it should sound sinister and manipulative.

I think a pervading throughline for all the Black Rose duelists is that they see their problems as caused by other people, with themselves being blameless. Rather than change how they approach their situation, Mikage tells them they’re in the right.

Your behaviour will set you down a path. If that path leads to your goals, well done! However, if your path does not lead to your goals, there’s only two ways you can achieve them.

The first is to change your behaviour so that it does align with your goals. The second, impossible way, is for the rest of the world to change such that your current path DOES end up leading to your goals. This second way is not possible in the real world. But it is possible in Utena.

Also I’ll just leave this here: “around you” → “revolve” → “revolution” 👀

Kanae tried to build a relationship with Anthy in a passive, non-confrontational, extremely Japanese way — the way she has been taught to behave, the “proper” way, a mechanical following of the social scripts. We don’t see a lot of their relationship, but the way she behaved and spoke of behaving towards Anthy is very very similar to the way my Japanese grandmother has behaved towards my and my brother’s partners.

It was unthinkable to her to change this pattern of behaviour. Her only choice was to change Anthy, change the rest of the world, so that her behaviour would lead to the outcomes she wants. You could describe this forceful bending of reality to be “revolutionising the world”.

この黒薔薇のある限り、私はこれから嘘の私を演じなくて住む。

As long as I have this Black Rose, I'm free from the lie I was living before.

Besides gender, growing up, and resisting change (which exist as separate themes but also all intertwine as one), another major theme present in Utena is the self and subjective reality. The self is explored within those first major three themes, but also in terms of how the self dictates reality with the Black Rose duellists.

Black Rose Kanae says that her past self was a lie.

It reminds me of all the times when I’ve been going through a personal trial and I’ve looked back on my past self and thought “How naive I was. I understand things better now.” And then after a while I realise I was wrong, and my first self was more right. And then later still, maybe I re-realise that the second self was more right! And so on! The reality of truth (or to use Kanae’s language, “lies”) is so subjective.

Who dictates knowledge production? Who decides what is true; what is valid knowledge? This is a question of sociology - and at the moment that answer is "science does, kinda". But science and academic systems are supported by capitalist structures and tainted by capitalistic incentives — needing to be published in a journal, issues of replicability, the barrier to entry into academia in the first place, etc, etc. In the future we may find our current way of organising knowledge to be archaic and primitive in the same way we look back at medieval scholars.

But what about organising self-knowledge? Knowledge where the only one who can really decide what is true is yourself. And the only one that can decide what yourself even IS is yourself. I feel like I have looked back on my old ways of conceptualising myself many times (not even counting the gender-based revelations) and thought it primitive and archaic, and NOW I truly understand who I am and how to think of myself and how my thoughts interact with my other thoughts. But I have no doubt that I’ll look back on this current self of mine and reject their way of thinking too.

After their heart is replaced by the Black Rose, the duellists themselves frame this change as a moment of self realisation, of clarity. Once the rose is inside them, they wake up from themselves, like I have countless times. Kanae says herself, “This is the true me.” Honestly, I don’t doubt it. I think that version of Kanae was her true self at that moment, given the things influencing her. Being brainwashed doesn’t make you less of a person, or less yourself. It just makes you organise your reality differently.

心を凍結させて作っただけの間に合わせのデュエリストでは、彼女は破れないな。

We won't be able to defeat her by simply freezing someone's heart and forcing them to duel.

Anya and I discussed this in depth. I originally translated 心 as “mind”, because that was the first thing that popped into my head and I thought that was the simple part of the translation. However, Anya pointed out that it didn’t make sense with the themes of self and subjective reality, and I strongly agreed, so I changed it to “heart” instead.

Anya suggested “conscious mind” instead of “heart” but I think heart is more accurate. 心 (kokoro) can mean heart or mind in Japanese (I find it interesting that those two things are portrayed as opposites in English), and that kanji is found in the word for biological heart, 心臓 (shinzou). When they say of the Black Rose "This is your new heart" they use 心臓. They also say "Your new 命 (life/lifeforce)" which I translated as soul since it sounded more hardcore and because "your new life" is a set phrase in English meaning a new chapter in your life rather than your life force. I think the idea is that they're freezing the duellists' ability to love and feel empathy, which in my opinion is necessary for them to commit to the unbelievably selfish act of revolutionising/reconstructing/bending the entire structure of the world for their own convenience.

A very special thanks to @dontbe-lasanya for being there to talk through all these themes and ideas. I'm incredibly proud of this episode's translation and I wouldn't have been able to do it without them.

If you want to see more analysis like this, let me know! And also follow this blog to see episodes of the fansub as they're released. You can find all episodes released so far here:

Rose divider taken from this post

[sabraeal]

in a world of locked doors, she's an open window; Part 1

[Read on AO3]

There are few things Gojo could say he is unequivocally— naturally— good at. There's school— that’s what Kitagawa-san would tell him, pointing at his middling scores, ones that always make the board but never quite the top. But that isn’t natural talent; no, that is the result of weeks of study, of all the small bites he takes each night to help digest the whole.

And sewing too— that’s what Ji-chan would say. Or rather, you make a fine mebina, Wakana, accompanied by an affectionate pat on the shoulder— if he could still reach— but what he means is the clothes they wear. And he might be right, but…

But Gojo remembers the pile of small kimono he had to remake those first few months while he struggled to understand ‘cutting on the bias.’ Or how the first pattern he drafted refused to fit together at the shoulder, mismeasured so badly that Ji-chan had sat at his elbow for his next attempt, gently reminding him to mind both size and proportion. Not to mention those first costumes he made Kitagawa-san— forgetting that unlike dolls, humans needed to move in their clothes, needed to breathe, and…

And sometimes he simply wonders if, unlike everyone else, he doesn’t have talents so much as struggles he simply got better at handling. Or didn’t, considering how half a year away from graduation he still can’t get the eyebrows to sit right on this kashira.

“It’s good, Wakana,” Ji-chan grunts, shuffling behind him. “I’d be proud to put a doll like that on display.”

Gojo squints, tracing the curve of his brush. “It’s not like yours.”

Laughs do not so much bubble up from Ji-chan as they do burble, like a stream squeezing itself through the gravel in his throat. “And why would it be? Don’t you know how long have I been at this?”

“Forty—?”

“Fifty!” Ji-chan barks, setting a stack of loose-bound books on the table before he settles under it. “It’s fifty this year. And even if I didn’t have all those years on you…”

No kashira painter holds the brush the same way. A fair point, if Gojo didn’t objectively hold his worse. “What are those?”

Ji-chan blinks, staring down at those books as if he hadn’t seen them before. “What? These? They’re the accounts. Sales, purchases, that sort of things. You’ve seen them around, haven’t you?”

Once, when he was still able to wriggle into Ji-chan’s lap. He’d let him flip through it, marveling at the endless pages of cramped characters— and closed it when Gojo had squinted at a few strokes and tried to stumble through the words. They’re notes for me, he’d sniffed, dust whuffing up from the pages, not everyone has to be able to work them out.

“I though you would have switched to, er…” Gojo clamps his teeth around the word, digital. The shop might have a website— one designed by his uncle nearly fifteen years ago now, when he insisted that any legitimate business needed an online presence— but Ji-chan still wouldn’t get an email address. “I didn’t realize you still had, um, physical copies.”

“There’s nothing wrong with doing it by hand,” he huffs, hunching over his arms. “And now when that accountant comes, I can just hand him the whole thing. No fuss at all! Not like with those file things.”

Gojo can’t bring himself to mention that using 'one of those file things' would mean the accountant didn’t have to come to them. Then again, knowing Ji-chan, that would be yet another tally in the ‘con’ category— much as he might like to say that he preferred to stay at the studio, surrounded by familiar faces, Ji-chan could spend hours on quick trips to the corner store, coming back not only with the ingredient for dinner, but whose grandson just went to medical school, or which neighbor's daughter is having yet another bundle of joy.

Instead, he manages, “We have an accountant?”

“Of course! You don’t think I do all this math myself, do you?” Ji-chan laughs, shaking his head. “You’re a smart kid, Wakana, but you got that from your grandmother. I might have done all the work, but she was the one who kept the lights on.”

His hand sweeps over a hard cover, a fond smile chasing on its heels. Gojo’s tongue twists, useless in his mouth, and— and it’s not often that they talk about it, about what it was like before. Before it was just them, trying to make the empty space feel like home. He wants to say something, should say something, but he’s never known how to put this sort of thing into words— how to say, I miss them too and I’m glad it was you all at once.

“And now I have to pay someone else to make sure I don’t muck it up.” Ji-chan pats the cover with a rueful chuckle. “Costs a pretty penny too!”

Gojo frowns, setting the kashira aside in its canisters. “Can I see one of those?”

Ji-chan blinks. “If you’d like.”

“I would.” He slides the ledger across the table, hefting the cover open. Ji-chan’s spiky scrawl stretches across every page, too much at first, too messy, but then--

Then they setting in into neat columns, numbers running up one side of the page and labels down the other.

There may not be much that comes naturally to him, but holding this ledger in his hands, seeing how the rows tally and the columns coalesce into concrete answers— this decision finally does. “I think I could do this.”

Ji-chan glances up from across the table. “Wakana?”

“For—for the shop,” he clarifies, tongue tripping over itself to keep up with his thoughts. “I think I could learn to do this.”

It’s silent for a moment, both of them sitting utterly still, Ji-chan’s wide eyes not even blinking.

“Well,” he creaks, after a moment. “Do you think that’s something that needs a degree?”

*

It all falls together quite quickly, after that. There’s relief on his homeroom teacher’s face when he stops by the office, the fabric of his uniform pants scratching his palms as he tells her he’s changed his mind about university. There’s the exams of course— and a round of cram school in the fall, expensive enough that Gojo feels balanced on a knife’s edge, wondering if the money they might save will ever equal what he’s spent trying to learn.

Kitagawa-san only laughs when he worries.

“I guess I’ll just have to cosplay twice as much.” It’s hard to take her seriously when she’s taking bites from a burger the size of her own head; a promotional item she’d dragged him into the heart of Saitama to try. “Then you’ll break even like nothing!”

“I only charge you for materials, Kitagawa-san,” he reminds her. Expensive ones, sometimes, but it’s worth it to see the way she lights up, looking at herself and seeing someone she loves.

“Well, you should let me pay you for your labor or whatever, my dude!” Her hand whips across the table, smacking his shoulder hard enough to make him jump. “Maybe then Juju-chan won’t say I’m a total mooch.”

Freeloader, that’s the word Inui-san uses. And once, more memorably, deadbeat. “I couldn’t…”

“Whaaat?” Kitagawa-san nearly launches herself over the table to stare at him, a smear of some condiment at the corner of her mouth. He tries— uselessly— not to stare. “Why not?”

“Ah…” His mouth works, trying to wrap itself around a reason. Because you were my first customer— too sterile, not a lie but dodging the truth enough to make his shoulders itch. Because you’re my friend— but he has others now, ones that do pay him in full, and she knows it. Because you were my first friend— still not quite true.

Because there’s no better payment than to see you happy. Ah, that’s— that’s not something he can say either. Maybe Amano-san could; he was charming, able to say the most heartfelt words like a performance. But Gojo— Gojo could only sound earnest, and she would be able to hear it, all the other words he can never say, and—

“Oh,” he murmurs, holding up the menu between them. “Did you see they have desserts?”

*

For so long— maybe even earlier than primary school, earlier than the day his only friend ran out the door with tears in her eyes— it felt as if every door had been locked against him. As if even asking to open a window in this room he’d made for himself was an imposition, a burden that could only be begrudgingly carried, and never for long. And then Kitagawa-san had come, dragging him out into the light of day, showing him how to do more than ask for some elbow room, but take up space, and—

And so it’s strange now to watch how the very stars align to make all this happen. A few extra commissions roll in just in time to make cram school not only break even but put him in the black again. He only sits in three exams— all of them to colleges either in or near enough to Saitama to allow him to still stay with Ji-chan— sweating through each one only to find himself posted on every acceptance list. He chooses the closest, and—

And now he’s here, seated toward the back of the lecture hall, squinting at the screen, trying to discern whether that's some new mathematical symbol on the teacher's notes or a flaw in the screen.

“Gojo-kun. Gojo-kun.” He glances sternly from the corner of his eyes, sighing at big dark ones staring back, half-black, half-red ponytails bobbing. “Do you have an eraser?”

Darting a glance toward the front of the hall— the professor is still elbow deep in his explanation— he fishes one out from his bag.

“Thanks,” Sugaya-san chirps. “Hey, this lecture hall is pretty full, huh? Weird.”

It’s the beginning of the semester, he wants to tell her—would, if they weren’t supposed to be in class. Most of these diligent academics will peel away over the next few weeks, until only he and a handful of other students scattered across the seats in the hall. Something Sugaya-san might know, if she hadn’t spent last year doing the same thing. Or at least she had in the classes they shared, taking shifts at her family’s restaurant and begging notes off him instead.

“You know what?” Her head tilts, thoughtful. “I think I gotta pee. Watch my stuff?”

“Sugaya-san!” he hisses, whipping toward her. “Class is almost—!”

It’s no good, her chair is already empty— aside from the bag slung over its back— the door to the classroom snicking shut at her heels. Gojo sighs, shaking his head. No wonder she and Kitagawa-san are friends; neither of them can sit still for a minute.

“If you have any questions” —Gojo’s head snaps to the front of the class, watching as the professor turns off the display, a handful of students already on their feet— “Please comes to the front. These problems will be on your exam.”

There’s only a trickle of his classmates that wind their way to the professor’s desk, most of them preferring to hurry out the door. Gojo’s tempted to join them; there’s only an hour until his next class, his only opportunity to eat before he gets home this evening. Enough time for a leisurely lunch, if he brought a bento or ran out to get one from the konbini around the corner, but—

But it’s the longest break in his whole schedule, and the only one that coincides with one in Kitagawa-san’s. Kitagawa-san, whose break is one and a half hours and likes to try something new each day. He just has to hope his meal comes quick enough that he can sit and eat.

Gojo glances down at Sugaya-san’s bag, slung over the seat. He can’t just leave her things here. But maybe he could take it with him-- she' eats with them after all, and he'd be saving her the trouble of carrying it to the restaurant--

“Wacchan?”

His muscles seize so quickly he nearly chokes. He’s…he’s hearing things. He must be.

His knuckle blanch where he grips his bag, bone white against navy blue. Maybe, it’s for someone else. Yes, someone else. No one’s called him that since—

“Wacchan?” There’s a laugh— not familiar, not as a woman’s voice, but he recognizes it anyway. Would have recognized it anywhere, even in a crowd, since it had been his favorite sound when— “Sorry, no one probably calls you that anymore. Maybe…Wakana-kun?”

Gojo’s head jerks up, and he— he must be mistaken. There’s no way that he— that she— that those eyes could be so familiar, not even if it’s her. Not when…when it’s been so long…?

“E-excuse me. Do I…?” Know you feels…abrupt. Terse. Curt, even. But he’s not sure what else he can say, not when his eyes keep trying to add a small side tail to the side of her bob, when what keeps echoing in his head is—

Why do you like girls’ dolls, Wacchan? You’re a boy. His breath comes barbed now, sticking spines into his chest each time takes one in. I hate you, Wacchan!

“Ah…” He clears his throat, a half dozen of those little spikes clattering down his windpipe. “Have we…met?”

Her head cocks, the once too-short bangs now perfectly cut to slip across her forehead. “Have I really changed that much?” Her mouth curves, mischievous. “You wouldn’t forget your best friend, would you?”

“N-n”— it’s terrible how easy the shape comes to his mouth, like it’s been waiting— “Non-chan?”

Her mouth rounds, matching the wide shape of her eyes, and he claps a hand over his own. “Sorry. I mean…Mizuno-san. It’s…nice to see you again.”

He says it politely-- friendly even. The way Ji-chan does when he can’t quite place a customer. But her forehead scrunches up, and— what if she cries? Right here, where anyone might hear, calling him a freak or a— a degenerate, or even—

“Mizuno-san?” she sighs instead, disappointed. “Are you really going to call me that?”

“I c-can’t just call you, N-n” —his voice drops to a whisper— “Non-chan. You’re not…we’re not little kids. It wouldn’t be…appropriate.”

Her lip juts out, just the way it used to. “Well…you don’t have to be so formal, do you?”

He makes an uncertain noise, more cornered animal than grown man, but she only stares up at him, eyes so wide, so expectant, he blurts out, “A-are you in this class? I haven’t…um…seen you…”

“I hadn’t either until today. I usually sit a little further back.” She gestures vaguely toward the other end of the room. “But I saw you sit down— you’re really tall, you know? Way bigger than most guys— and I was sure I recognized you. I worried that it might be too weird to say something— it’s been a long time right? And guys’ faces change so much— but then I saw, well…”

Her chin jerks to the open flap on his back, right where black hair and an enigmatic smile peer out from the pocket— his latest kashira, not the least bit hidden. “Ah! Oh…I…haah…”

“Your grandfather still runs that place, doesn’t he?”

“Um…” Gojo clears his throat, fists clenching tight around the back’s strap. “Yes. He does.”

Mizuno-san lets out the lightest laugh, eyes crinkling up at the corner, and all at once, it’s real. It’s her. Non-chan. Only older now, grown up in a way he’s not sure he’s achieved. “I guess that means you really are going to get saddled with that place, huh?”

“I…” It’s true; the shop will be his when Ji-chan retires— if he ever does— but there’s something about how she says that— saddled— that doesn’t sit right. That feels less like an honor but an obligation. “I don’t—”

“Ah, hey, Gojo-kun!” A small hand smack him in the vicinity of his shoulder, falling a few inches short of the goal. “Thanks for watch my stuff, bro. Want to…”

Sugaya-san trails off, eyes darting to where Mizuno-san stands, smile wide but eyes tight. “You…uh…good, my man?”

“Yes,” he lies. “Ah, I just…Mizuno-san, er…we…uh…”

“Didn’t I just say you didn’t need to call me that?” she laughs, not as bright as before. “I’m Mizuno Nobara. Wacchan and I went to elementary school together.”

Sugaya-san’s perfectly plucked eyebrows disappear behind the sharp horizon of her bangs. “You did.”

“Yes,” Mizuno-san says tightly. “You must be…one of his friends?”

“Sugaya.” She glances at him, too quick, before adding, “Sugaya Nowa. We met in high school. Through Marin-chan! Who, uh, just texted.”

Gojo blinks, fumbling with his pockets. He hadn’t even thought to look, not even when class got out. “She did?”

“Yeah, while I was peeing.” She flicks on her phone, squinting down at the screen. “She says there’s some place she’s been dying to try out around the corner. We can meet her there.”

“Oh.” He glances up at the classroom clock, wincing at the time. “We should hurry if we don’t want to be last for ethics.”

“Ethics,” she groans, throwing back her head. “Last thing I want to talk about after lunch is like, hostile takeover stuff. We shoulda taken the morning one.”

With infinite patience, he reminds her, “It was at eight o’clock.”

“Ugh, gross.”

“Oh, you have plans?” Mizuno-san asks, mouth settling into a grimace. “I thought if you were free we might go catch up, but…?”

“Yep yep.” Sugaya seizes his arm like pet birds take to a perch, fingernails digging in hard enough to turn his half-started sentence into a squeak. “Super set. Like, written in stone kinda can’t-move-it. Ritual disembowelment type thing.”

“Oh.” Mizuno-san’s wide eyes linger on him, wistful. “Some other time, I guess.”

“Y-yes! Definitely.” He tries a smile, but by Sugaya-san’s grimace, he’s wide of the mark. “That would be…nice?”

“Okie dokie time to go,” she sing-songs, dragging him out by the arm. “Nice to meetcha, childhood friend-chan. Seeya next time!”

*

There's a strange taste in his mouth as they leave the lecture hall, a nagging feeling that he has somehow missed something important. He means to ask Sugaya-san once they've gotten outside, but--

But Gojo’s barely put a whole foot into the hallway when there’s a squeal of sneakers against polished floor; his only warning before arms wrap right around his middle, fake nails catching on the fabric at his stomach. “Gojo-senpai!”

“K-kitagawa-san!” His hands hover useless over her cross arms, uncertain of how to untangle himself from her. “I-I told you that you don’t have to c-call me that.”

“Awww, but it’s true, my dude!” Her whole weight slumps against his back, warm and wiggling, like an overexcited puppy. Which he wouldn’t mind, not at all, except— except her underwire digs into his spine, a firm reminder of just what is pressed against him, and well…

Well, he’d like to be able to think for the duration of this conversation, that’s all. Not lose track of every word she says two syllables in as his brain forced him to imagine what it might look like if he had the neck flexibility to appreciate it. “I appreciate that, Kitagawa-san, but—”

“But I’m your kouhai,” she pouts, chin hooking around his elbow. “And you’re my senpai. Omigod, does that mean you should be taking care of me? Wait, that sounds so funny right? ‘Gojo-senpai, please take care of—’”

“We’re the same age!” Heat licks up his neck, stained pink as a shrimp’s shell. “I don’t think the same rules apply just because you, er…”

Started late. That’s what he meant to say. But it feels…rude, the way late bloomer had felt when his teachers had whispered it between their desks. Like somehow she’s behind because she’d spent a whole year flying around, doing exactly what she loved and getting paid for it.

“Huh? Why not?” Her head cocks, the grip she has on him loosening. Physically, at least. “You’re still my senior, aren’t you? I mean like, if we didn’t know each other, I’d totally call you senpai, and everyone would think that was like, super normal and stuff, so—”

“Marin-chan,” Sugaya-san sighs, pigtails tilting over her shoulders. “You’re torturing him again.”

“Whaaat?” He shivers when she steps back, hands hooked around her hips, a chill seeping up his spine. “I’m not! Totes not. Right, Gojo-senpai? Not torture at all, nu-uh.”

“Ah…” She turns huge eyes on him, so hopeful, and all he can manage is a half-hearted, “K-kitagawa-san…”

“Mah-ri-ne.” Sugaya-san pulls out each syllable, impatient. “Are we going to eat or what?”

“Uh, yes? I’m starving, my dude!” Kitagawa-san prances around him, sneaker squeaking as she twirls to his front. “You’re starving too, right, Gojo-kun?”

Gojo clear his throat. That’s better at least. “I…could eat.”

“Then let’s bounce!” She claps, smile blinding over her steepled fingers. “Where should we go? I just saw a guy like two days ago selling those meat-wrapped onigiri across from the student center or whatever, so maybe—”

“Ah!” Panic grips him at the thought of her cholesterol. “I thought…didn’t Sugaya-san say you had a place in mind?”

Kitagawa-san blinks. “I did?”

“Didn’t you?” His gaze darts to where Sugaya-san stands, too innocent.

“Sorry, bro.” Neither her words nor her shrug are the least bit contrite. “Thought it looked like you needed a rescue, so I did what I had to do, you know.”

He, in fact, does not know, but before he can inform her of the fact, Kitagawa-san’s eyes go huge in her face. “Rescue?” She’s practically starry-eyed, glancing between the two of them. “You needed to be rescued?”

“N-not as—”

“Sure looked like it,” Sugaya-san tosses over her shoulder, ambling down the hall. Her stride is two steps to Kitagawa-san’s one, and with hers one to his two, well— it doesn’t take long to catch up. Not when Kitagawa-san is so interested, at least. “Some girl came up to him after class. Said she was his childhood friend and then tried to get him to a secondary location and everything.”

“I-I don’t think you need to say it l-like that—”

“Secondary location?” Kitagawa-san breathes. “Childhood friend?”

“You looked uncomfortable,” she drawls, unconvinced. “So I did what anyone would do: lie a whole bunch and hope it works. Which it did! You can thank me any time.”

He nearly does, mouth already halfway wrapped around the word before he stops himself. “Mizuno-san wasn’t—”

“She was.”

“I don’t—”

It’s too much for Kitagawa-san; a squeal is his only warning before she bursts out with a shrill, “Oh-em-gee!”

Her hands clap over her mouth. “A friend? From when you were kids? That’s unreal, Gojo-kun!”

He can’t quite guess how; it always seemed as if everyone had one but him, as if he were the odd one out for not having a group of friends from middle school he struggled to keep up with, but—

“Omigod, you should invite her! To lunch I mean!” Kitagawa-san bounces on her toes, not so much walking as skipping beside him. “We’d get to hear all about what you were like in school? Ahhh, how fun would that be, right?”

Her cheeks are flushed, eyes shining, and yet his stomach twists, even though he can’t account for why. “I-I don’t know…”

“Come on, please?” Her nails snag on the placard of his button down, pulling him toward the orbit of her eyes. “I promise I’ll be totes normal about it. Even if she tells us about your cute baby cheeks. Omigod, or has pictures? Do you think she has pictures?”

He grimaces. There's a horrifying thought. “I don’t….think so.”

Her shoulders hunch, defeated. “Aww, well, still. You should invite her! I bet we’d have a great time.”

Sugaya-san shakes her head. “I dunno, seems like a bad idea.”

“Really?” Kitagawa-san blinks over at her. “How?”

One small hand juts out, giving a uncertain shake. “Vibes.”

“Well, that seems like a silly reason not to try.” She swings back to Gojo, all smiles. “You’ll ask her won’t you? I promise I won’t ask for anything else all week.”

“Er…” He doubts that promise will last the walk. “If you really want to.”

She nods. “I do.”

Sugaya-san snorts. “Your funeral.”

[cheriladycl01]

No because that hurt me! Lando Norris x Girlfriend! Reader Part 2

Plot: Lando goes one step too far ...

As you'd promised you'd gone straight back to London, you thrown yourself into your work. You spent the days on the construction sight for the new house you were flipping, overseeing the progress. You spent the evenings in the studio working on more plans for the interior of the house.

But you did miss him, of course you missed him.

He was your person ...

Your guy...

The love of your life.

In the time that you'd come home however, videos had surfaced, many videos had surfaced...

The first was of you and Lando in the club, someone from a table across from the one your friends had been sat in showed how Lando had acted towards you and how his friends had tried to back you up. The next was of you running up to Alex, begging for a lift.

Afterwards, videos were leaked of the rest of Lando's night where he celebrated his win, by dancing with his friends and random girls that were being pulled into the big group. Nothing scandalous but enough to upset the fans who really liked you.

Later on, after the first few videos came out a video came out of Max Fewtrell and him arguing before him and Pietra left. Max actually pushed him a little and lots of hand gestures were flying round, but Lando looked just as angry as Max did.

Normally when you were in London, people knew they'd get content on your Instagram stories of you doing what you do best. People had suggested you to start a YouTube because your live's and reels were so funny that they'd definitely spend the time watching.

But you'd been dark since the argument with Lando and people were getting worried including Lando. So when you posted a titkok with your team, in the trend that AstonMartin did where the camera is up high above and you all do funny things, the media went crazy.

You then posted a video on instagram talking about the new house and the progress that was coming on.

"Hey guys! Y/N here! Just wanted to show you how the latest project is coming on. We've torn down the living room and put all new flooring in, which actually has built in underfloor heating which i think here in the UK is a real money move. We're going to hook it all up to a central network from the hallway as you walk in, which we finally finished the painting for that last week" you pan showing the round the areas you'd been talking about.

You showed you and one of the girls tearing down the kitchen.

Captioned 'Best Part of the Job, Free Rage Room', which is how you'd always referred to the demolition phase of house flipping. People on twitter of course took it out of context and rumors started flying that you and Lando had in fact called it splits, even one of those WAG update pages 'confirming' the breakup from close sources.

You'd found it laughable really, but you knew it would be hurting Lando, and no matter how much he hurt you ... you weren't a bitter person. You didn't want him hurting as well.

You were sat in your studio at your desk, sketching for the garden. The pen was currently in your mouth, sat back debating whether you should reach out to Lando or wait for him to come to you.

It had been three weeks at this point with no communication. You'd spoken to Lando's family, who had talked with you about everything that had happened. Cisca and Adam had apologized for their sons behavior.

As you were about to pick up your phone, caving in to messaging Lando first when you swore you wouldn't on knock on your wooden studio door sounds.

You frown, wondering who on earth would be coming to you at this time of the night. You weren't even open, office hours were long over. It was about 11pm, so your clients knew you weren't taking calls even though you were still here and working with a light on.

You open the door, bolt and latch on for added protection.

"Lando?" you ask seeing the curly haired boy, hoodie up and his eyes looking more tired than you'd ever seen them.

"You want to open up and let me in baby?" he asks softly, a slight crack to his voice.

"I was just about to call you" you admit, unlatching the door so it swings open fully. He stops just under the arch of the door observing you. It was like he was having a small inward debate with himself.

"Gonna cave coz you miss me?" he jokes, testing the waters. He didn't know how you were now that you'd have some time apart. He was hopeful that he could talk to you again and fix what had happened.

"Honestly yeah. I hate you and how much of a hold you have on me" you admit, leaning back into your chair directing him to the sofa.

"I came here, to say I'm sorry and that I was horrible to you. And I know it's not excuse but I want to explain what happened. In full... I think you deserve more than an explanation... but I think you need one for if we are ever going to go back to what we were" he sighs. He leans forward and takes your hand into his.

He explains how, after the race people told him you'd said you were leaving the race track. So he went to the hotel to find you, only for you not to be there, Max came round and said you were probably getting ready with the girls as P had told him you were all gonna meet them there.

"I didn't think this was too out of the ordinary for you, your especially close with P and Lily, and it wouldn't shock me if Kelly and Kika would drag you all into a girl pre-club party in their hotel room..." he laughs knowing that normally you and P would do each other's makeup when Max and her came to race weekends. Or you and Lily would switch outfit's loving to venture into each other's styles.

When he got to the club and no-one had seen you, and Pierre and Charles had come up to him with celebratory shots, he hadn't declined.

"The shots were the start of what slowly just went downhill, I don't think i ever want to drink that much again, I was so happy at the start" he laughs flushing red and the thought of him knocking back shots, which was rare considering he didn't like to drink. He wouldn't be doing it anytime soon that was for sure.

"You deserved to celebrate though baby, don't make it seem like you shouldn't have had a fun night" you admit, both of you were being open and mature adults right now. You were so glad you'd both spent some time apart to think before you fought more, now you were both talking and listening to each other and you couldn't help but think it was beautiful and intimate.

After the three hour mark he was fed up that you hadn't bothered to show up at such an important night for him. Talking to Charles and Pierre who were also drunk, weren't the best influences on suggesting places you could be. All of them being ones his drunk mind could picture vividly, his sober mind would have known his girl would never dream of doing that to him.

"Charles said some things and I know sober me would have known you wouldn't do that, but i was already angry thinking you'd just ditched me. I shouldn't have drunk as much and I know its no excuse... but" he starts and you nod.

"The main thing is you know how you would have acted. Yes you upset me, yes your hurt me because you said some horrible things to me..."

"Yeah, I've heard the video and It wasn't my intention to embarrass you the way I did, especially in front of our friends. I'm so so sorry!" he admits.

The other group, had tried to convince him that maybe you'd just got held up and thats where Oscar, Lily, Max and P had all messaged you.

"Baby, I'm so so sorry that i wasn't there for you after what happened!" he says tears in his eyes. This would forever be one of his biggest regrets in life, not being there for you when you needed him.

"How did you find out?" you gulp, not really wanting to think about what could have happened that night if it wasn't for the Mclaren Mechanics.

"Well, after having a scolding from Oscar, and Max, and Alex, and Zac... the mechanics also threatened to botch my pit stops. So i listened to what they did for you"

"Mmmm it was scary. All i wanted was you" you nod, rubbing a thumb across his hand.

"I'm so so sorry, I promised you that i'd protect you always. And I've failed!" he says with a little snivel and tears brimming his eyes.

"You've not failed, you just made a mistake, there's been some miscommunication and Charles and Pierre didn't help with their boyish meddling but ... we'll get there" you smile before pulling closer to him and nuzzling into his neck breathing in his sent.

"Do you think you'll ever forgive me?" he asks softly pulling you back so he can fully look at you.

"I already have, darling" you smile.

"What did i ever do to deserve you, I don't think i do" he smiles.

"Hmmmm, well I think the historians will argue one day its me who didn't deserve you" you sigh, brushing some of his hair back.

"I doubt that" he scoffs, knowing that when you first started dating, even with your lack of status people still thought you were too kind, too sweet and too innocent for someone as jokey and brash as Lando was seen to be.

"I've never had anyone treat me the way you do, I'm so so in love with you. And I don't ever want the feelings I have when i think of you and see you to stop. I feel like i can do anything when i have you by my side. Why do you think the first person i seeked out was you?" you offer, softly leaning in and placing a kiss on the corner of his lips.

You guys, talked more that night. About how you actually had fun helping the Mclaren boys pack up, regardless if you thought Lando had forgotten about you.

A week later and the media had picked up on the sighting the paps had got of both of you. Some fans had seen you both at a restaurant and make posts on it.

The comments bashed you either way, being between saying how silly you were for taking him back or the others saying they were upset you were back. It got to the point where you had to release a statement saying that you and Lando, are grown adults who can talk through the miscommunication and issues you'd experienced and were better for it now.

"I love you so much, and I'm never ever ever acting up like that again" he says as you help him do up his fire suit for the race you were currently at with him.

"I love you too, now go out and get another win for me baby so we can celebrate properly this time" you smile, kissing him before Jon comes forward asking for Lando's presence in the front of the garage.

A/N: I hope you guys think this did the first part justice as so many people requested a Part 2, so I'm really scared that this hasn't done it justice! If you want a rewrite with something better... something longer where its more of a series. Or where it goes the opposite way and it takes her longer to forgive him let me know. I just thought that Y/N and Lando in this one specifically would be the type to maturely talk about things!

Taglist:

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People requesting for just this part...

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[bonus-links]

mandatory directors commentary ask because I’m absolutely obsessed with them <333 I just think it’s really cool seeing what you put into each update it’s so interesting :)

OKAY BUCKLE UP

a kind of important piece of context that's probably missing for this conversation wake and tetra have is that they were dating and broke up fairly recently. it felt awkward to shoehorn in a line about it but there u have it. anyway that's why wake feels the need to ask tetra to keep an eye on outset in the first place. like she'd actually say no.

did u know tetra has this image of the hero of time in her room on the ship? this worked out very well for me having that in frame hehe. it's also where the sun motif in the "we're cursed" panel comes from!

i like the idea that wearing big fancy earrings is a part of formal dress across all hylian cultures, and outset is no different! these particular ones wake is wearing are based on abalone shells which i think make really beautiful jewelry :-)

i just want to call attention to this relationship chart panel. wake doesn't even know that the first thing slate did was put a sword to wolf's neck. he doesn't know how right he is

this location is the top of ganondorf's tower. it's a little bit more of a symbolic image than a memory tho. fun fact, when you look at this location in noclip tetra is just standing there without her eyes loaded in. spooky stuff

okay, now onto the big one. the flood scene! this is in fact a vision Loft had of the original divine flood that created the Great Sea, and Loft is putting the pieces together. The one in the middle is actually wind waker's hyrule castle, not a temple like i've seen a few people guess. i had this really strong image in my head of the flood starting by pouring out of Hyrule Castle. does this make sense logistically, given the barrier we see around Hyrule Castle implies it was saved from the flood? maybe not, but I couldn't get the idea out of my head, so in the comic it goes

we don't ever seen WW's castle town in the game, so I actually used OOT's castle town as a reference. I just really needed a reference for this or else my head was gonna explode lol. that's also OOT's death mountain, which is mostly just there to show the spread of the flood.

this ending bit with the flood is kind of intended to be a continuation of the Farosh scene on the bridge. Loft is going to continue to have and be reminded of terrible visions of the future, and that anxiety he has around that isn't going to just go away. But I really wanted a scene where he acts on what Slate told him on the bridge— don't pity this place. He snaps himself out of it and chooses to join the party.

another note on that last panel lol, the person who's waving to him is Rose, the pig lady from the bonus comic!

alrighty I think that's all I got for now

[myerssimp21]

Batcave Meeting (YAN!Pt.3)

Romantic!Yandere!Batfam Part 3. Part 1, Part 2 here (context: Tim Drake purposefully got aphrodisiac'd when fighting Ivy and then went over to Darling's apartment to smash. This is a batfamily meeting about that and how to move forward.).

As you obliviously drifted to sleep, the live feed of you doing so was being projected onto a big screen in the BatCave while members joined together at a table, casually watching you as you yawned and readjusted against your pillow. The imposing man situated at the end of the table clasped his hands together, regarding the young men in front of him. Once everyone was seated, the imposing man began speaking to them, noticing how many of them had their eyes glued to the screen.

"We're going to discuss what happened the other day and plan for next week," he announced, and the pouty brunette who had had a frown on his face now crossed his arms.

"Allow me to explain it from my perspective first, Father," he said, sporting a moody expression, "You and Drake were unexpectedly out of commission during your patrol, which, while not typical, is understandable given our line of work."

His eyes flicker over to Tim and Jason, narrowing in contempt and disgust.

"Todd and Drake both know how important our duty to Gotham is," Damian continued while making eye contact with Jason, "But instead of prioritizing that, they let their impulses get the better of them. Drake especially for instigating the situation. Using Ivy's aphrodisiac to... indulge with our darling? It's selfish, reckless, and disrespectful."

"Damian, hold on a second," Jason interjected, "I had no idea about the aphrodisiac. It was my night off so I was sleeping in and missed Bruce's calls when he and Tim got doused in it. I only woke up because the audio feed from her apartment was turned up and I heard them together. I blew up Tim's phone and went over when he left because I was pissed, and I didn't realize that was why she couldn't get enough. I feel really bad about it now that I know."

Damian's expression softened subtly as he absorbed Jason's explanation. Despite his composed demeanor, the tension still lingered in his features.

"I appreciate your honesty, Todd," Damian conceded, his tone slightly softer, "It's still not acceptable that she was acting strangely and this was not analyzed, but I understand that the situation was...unconventional."

As Jason and Damian had a moment of newfound comradery, Tim finally spoke up, "I understand your frustrations, but you need to know that I researched Ivy's aphrodisiac extensively before I ever considered using it. I made sure it wouldn't have any adverse health effects on anybody and appropriately calculated the risks."

Damian's expression darkened further, his negative feelings towards Drake beginning to truly show. "This isn't just about general safety or the safety of some substance!" he exclaimed, "It's about respect and her consent. You had no right to manipulate her like that, whether or not it posed a physical risk."

"Come on, Damian," Tim retorted, a hint of defensiveness creeping into his voice. "She didn't find out about the aphrodisiac, did she? So what's the big deal? It's not like we hurt her or anything. She's fine, and she doesn't even know what happened. In fact, she likes us even more because I made a move for us. Why are you making a big deal out of nothing?"

Jason scoffed, his distaste in Tim at this point evident. "Seriously, Tim? You're gonna act like a douchebag just because she didn't find out? That's messed up, even for you."

"It's not just about the immediate consequences," Damian shot back, his voice angrier. "It's about the long-term impact on her. I bet you didn't even stop to consider how your actions could affect her, or how they could undermine the trust she has in us. And what about the ripple effect it could have on her relationships with all of us? He's playing with fire, Father, and he needs to be held accountable."

"Let's not overlook the bigger issue here," Tim said, his voice defensive, "What I did was perverted, I admit that. But let's not pretend that bugging and wiring her apartment is any less invasive. That's hardly consensual either."

"Don't you dare deflect the issue!" Damian's voice rose, and he was now yelling, "We implemented those measures for her safety, not for our own entertainment! It's a gross violation of her privacy, but at least we did it to protect her!"

"Oh? And having two separate cameras staring at her bed is going to what, protect her from bad dreams?"

"Dami, Tim, let's try to keep our cool here," Dick interjected gently, easing in to defuse the tension, "We're all on the same team, remember? We need to work together to figure this out."

Damian turned to Dick with a measured gaze, "I want to hear your perspective on this matter, Grayson."

Dick sighed, solemnly addressing Drake. “Tim, what you did wasn't just a mistake. It was a deliberate breach of trust. She relies on us to keep her safe and instead of focusing on that, you exploited her vulnerability.”

"Also," and Dick seemed more pained at this part, "You betrayed our trust. We all care about her and you influenced her desires for your own gain."

Tim sat in silence, his expression filled with shame as he began to realize the gravity of his actions. He knew he had acted irresponsibly, and the weight of their words hung heavy in the air. Jason and Dick exchanged silent glances, their disappointment evident in their expressions.

Damian took a deep centering breath before focusing his attention back on Tim.

"This isn't about whether she found out or not, Drake. If you still don't understand that, then we need to take more drastic measures to address and punish this behavior. Father, I appeal to you to implement anything you deem necessary to prevent such behavior in the future. We cannot allow such indecent actions against her to to be repeated."

Bruce, understanding the severity of the situation and having now heard everyone's perspective, nodded solemnly at Damian.

"Tim, in light of your actions, there are going to be some consequences," Bruce stated firmly, his tone leaving no room for argument. "You need to schedule therapy with Dr. Thompkins to address the troubling attitude that led to this situation. While we have taken invasive measures to monitor her, as Damian pointed out, your actions went beyond that."

He paused, allowing the weight of his words to sink in before continuing. "Until you've attended and Dr. Thompkins deems it appropriate, you will be restricted from having any contact with _____."

Finally, Bruce's gaze softened slightly as he looked at both Damian and Tim. "And Tim, it's imperative that you and Damian eventually reconcile. We're a team, and we need to remain united in our goals and overall behavior. I expect both of you to work towards rebuilding your relationship for the sake of the team and our darling."

"Damian," Bruce addressed his son, "since Tim will no longer be able to have contact with her, I'm assigning you a new responsibility. You will substitute him as her school friend and be someone she can rely on for assistance with homework and company. I want you to pick a class of hers that sounds interesting to you and make sure you're there to support her. It's important that she has someone she can trust and rely on, especially now. It's an opportunity for you to show her that she can count on us."

As the meeting continued, Damian spoke up, "I'll join her art class. It will allow me to assist her with her assignments and ensure she receives the academic support she needs."

Bruce nodded in approval. "Good choice, Damian. Make sure to approach this responsibility with care and dedication."

Turning to Jason, Bruce's expression grew serious. "Jason, I need you to be especially understanding and supportive towards her. If she feels troubled or has any lingering negative thoughts about what happened, I expect you to be there for her."

"Of course, Bruce," Jason says, eyes fixated on the now-sleeping figure of their darling on the cameras, "I'll do whatever it takes."

Dick now spoke up, "Can we talk about introducing me as Jason's roommate?"

Bruce shook his head, "Not yet; I want to make sure Damian successfully integrates first. You can still frequent around her job but no more interactions than that."

"Except for as a vigilante?" Dick replies hopefully, and Bruce gives him a measured gaze similar to his son's.

"Yes, although I expect you to exercise patience and primarily work in Blüdhaven for now."

Damian cuts in, "And don't be like Drake and fabricate a reason for her to need you."

"Damian," Bruce says in a tired voice, "I've made myself clear."

Damian looks down with an expression like he's biting his tongue and contempt is bright in his eyes, "Sorry, Father."

With that, the meeting concluded, each member of the Batfamily knowing the roles they had to play in ensuring their darling's well-being and trust remained intact.

[piratecaptainscaptainpirates]

I've been thinking about the pacing this season, and I think a lot of the issues with telling instead of showing we've been noticing come down to two big factors.

ALL the episodes this season are sticking very strictly to 30 minutes or less. Most of s1 did that, too, to be fair, but some of the most important episodes - 4, 8, and 10 - are all closer to 35 minutes. It doesn't sound like a lot but that's extra breathing room that we're not getting now, it means some things that were almost important enough to make the cut had to get chopped. We're probably missing a lot of little lines that would've rounded things out because the writers had to bank on us getting it from context.

I wouldn't be surprised if the writers went in expecting a 10 episode second season and Max hit them with cutting down to 8 eps, or they had to make the hard choice to save as much money as possible to increse the odds of getting renewed and decided to cut it to 8 themselves. Either way, I definitely think they'd planned on 10 episodes and because of that some things feel rushed; it's really starting to show in ep 7 and I think that's because they just haven't had the space to set things up they thought they'd get.

I really think that we're missing an episode here, and I'm pretty sure it would've gone between 5 and 6. That would've been the logical place to let Ed and Stede's relationship breathe a bit between their second kiss and having sex in 6, and it would've been the right spot to wrap up some lose plotlines (when did Ed get off probation? How does he feel about it? The crew seem so much more comfortable with him in 6, does that make him feel safer and more loved?) and forshadow what's coming up (literally just one line with Olu feeling bad about what happened with Zheng Yi Sao would've made that so much less jarring).

On the whole, I genuinely think the writing this season has been smart and efficient, but not to the same standard as season 1 (which, to be fair, was a very high standard, but still). And I really think the things that matter (Ed and Stede's arcs) are largely done very well.

But it has still been so obvious that they tried to make this season as cheap and palatable for Max to produce as possible. I really hope it pays off. I think it will - like I said, I think the writers always managed to keep sight of what matters, and that's Ed and Stede's story. And I'm grateful that, despite trying to make this show an easy one for Max to make the decision to renew, they didn't compromise on the queerness.

But it stings. You know any other show that's so successful and has not only such a devoted fanbase but such a deeply invested cast and crew would've been renewed a long damn time ago. I am so, so happy we got s2, and I've loved it, really I have, but I'm still a bit sad thinking about what we could've had.

[chasingfictions]

the pink pony club -> naked in manhattan -> california -> guilty pleasure run is so fucking insane every time . like. story song about longing for the gay coast from the heartland and then you get there and you'll always miss where youre from and it will always be in you but you'll never go fully back either, the queer freedom you have in santa monica is too good and too much and everything you've ever wanted, it called you here from across thousands of miles. then meanwhile back in real life but also not real life chappell is on the other coast the other major city experiencing a different kind of first taste of queer living, only it's never happened yet, it's a dream song it lives in the almost, she had never kissed a girl yet when the song was written, she was still dating a man and dreaming about what she wanted her life to be, and even in the song, the queer desire is so close, it's in the air, but also you can't tell if it's really happening or if it's just another daydream. and then we're back in california and it's so real this time and it just hurts and the dream wasn't what you wanted it to be, and home is calling to you, home can give you things this place can't and never could and never will, and also you feel like you're letting everyone down by going back, this is supposed to go the other way, and part of that, from the context of the previous two songs is like, well were the desires not enough? is the big flashy life you were supposed to go live in a place that can give you these other things not enough? was this dream about your life being different actually just a dream did it just hurt?

and then ending on a treatise on desire itself, and like, why does the pleasure feel guilty, your home put that in you, your home made it feel like a bad thing to feel, bad thing to want, but you come back to it anyway. and this time the desire is physical in front of you. you're not telling a story about a girl from tennessee who runs away to be a drag queen at a mythical club, you're not telling a daydream about how in new york you're allowed to be gay and maybe some friendship with a girl could turn into more, you're not wistful about all the might-have-beens in california or the midwest you fled to get there. like you are still fantasizing but also you're watching someone try on jeans and their body is Right There. your body is in the room and you can't deny that you feel this. and also while all the three previous songs were so rooted in specific geography, this time you could be anywhere -- learned it on the internet. you could still be home in the midwest, you could be out at some coastline far away, you could be at a million other somewheres.

but no matter where you are, this desire will be there, you will always pursue this want, there's no version of you who wouldn't want this. you were always going to find a way here. and you want it forever. it may be bad for you and you may not be supposed to belong here but you're gonna make yourself belong because you want it forever. i want this like a cigarette can we drag it out and never quit. um!!!!

[wuxian-vs-wangji]

Love Sky Excerpt: The Attack on Sky (Ep 13)

I know a lot of people were curious about exactly what happened in the novel, which gives a bit of context to some ambiguous moments.

**Note: Rain is often referred to by his Thai name of "Warren".

Warning: This carries all of the trigger warnings of assault, rape, and violence. Read at your own discretion.

"Let go of me. Let go of me, you fuckers! Let go!!!"

"Where did this kid get all the strength from? Shit!"

In the nighttime when most people are falling asleep, Sky's frighteningly struggling to get off the pull and hug of two men who drag him inside the bathroom. Two hands swing a punch around until Petch yells; two legs try to kick as hard as he can. While the fear creeps into his heart, his eyes see the horrible past returning.

"Let go. Let go of me!!!"

The cold gesture he used as a shield is broken. There's only fear that pushes Sky to find an escape.

Smash!

Suddenly, a strong punch lands on the stomach of the kid who has never gotten into any fights. Sky curls up; his eyes widen. The pain is so much that he can't even yell. The one who did it wasn't Petch who was frustrated, but it was Gun, the man he used to love.

The man did it without mercy, and now his eyes show satisfaction while he's licking his lips like the young man is the sweetest prey.

Pow!

Sky is thrown into the big bed, but the young man isn't giving in.

Slap!

"Ah!"

As soon as Sky gets up to climb off, Gun pulls his collar and slaps him on the cheek with full force. He falls back onto the bed as the man straddles over him, flipping Sky who's in great pain to be face up. Then he lifts the kid's chin and stares at him with pleasure.

"When did you get this feisty?"

"Fuck! You look happy, Gun. Ouch! The bitch scratched me!" Petch swears while taking his shirt off and moves back, then he hears his friend laugh.

"Then why were you stupid enough to let him do it? If he wants a fight, then give it to him." Gun doesn't even have a tiny bit of sympathy for the breathless one with the red face on the bed. He even likes to see the fearful look, the terrified eyes and the shaking body beneath him.

"Still as mean as last time. I thought you wanted to be gentle with your ex-boyfriend."

"Ex-boyfriend your ass; he's just old trash I threw away."

Sky bites his lips so hard it hurts. He can barely breathe, but he's trying to find a way out. He has to run. He will not let history repeat itself. No!

Grab!

But his chin is grabbed tight and pulled to look at Gun's eyes again. Eventually, Sky has to see... the devil.

"He looks much more seductive."

The look of defiance makes Gun happy.

"Let go!" Sky shouts.

"I'd be dumb if I did. Did you know I've missed you since you called [to ask about the race]? I suddenly remembered the obedient kid." Gun grabs Sky's chin hard, but the young man doesn't react. Even though he's scared to death, he has to get away. He will not do anything that pleases the other one.

"I've never fucking missed you!"

"You used to do everything I told you to do. C'mon, spreading your legs back then or doing it now doesn't make any difference; we're not strangers."

Sky doesn't listen, no, he tries not to hear them at all. He glances at the door. His brain says there are no guards, so he controls his body that wants to vomit to be still.

Go ahead, Sky. Do it.

Pow!

Crash!

At that moment, Sky pushes the one over him to fall to the side. He knows that if he waits until Petch comes back, he will not be able to fend them off even if he's a man. Then he gets off the bed, biting his teeth and holding back the pain in his stomach. He struggles up from the floor and runs to the door.

Grab!

"Arghhhh!!!!"

"Where are you going?"

Suddenly, Petch who is busy looking at his back becomes fast; he runs over and grabs Sky's hair. He screams out and falls on his back, hearing swear words of frustration over his head.

"Your ex is a fucking handful. If I didn't want to know how good he is after Pai's been fucking him, I wouldn't have helped you." The speaker pulls Sky's hair back so hard that the young man is pulled back onto the bed. Sky would have more strength in him if he didn't hear someone's name in the conversation which terrifies him to his bones.

And of course, Gun notices it.

"But he just gave the kid to you?"

Gave... to?

Sky's eyes widen. His brain stops processing anything as soon as he hears those words.

"Haha, look at him. Are you shocked, Sky? I thought I taught you better, but it seems you never learned."

The young man moves his face away in disgust when a hand slaps him gently and starts touching him adoringly. He knows better. Gun is having fun with this. He's having fun seeing Sky scared!

Pow!

"Ugh!"

"Fucking hell, he's finally down."

Sky hadn't yet processed what he heard when Petch punched him again in the stomach. His eyes widen, yet the world is blurry, the pictures aren't clear, only his ears hear everything. And he hears something that makes his heart... bleed.

"Prapai gave you to us."

"No... that's not true. No..." he shakes his head and whispers with no voice, denying what Gun is saying.

"How did you think we got in here? Your nice guy Pai gave us the keycard himself."

"No..."

Please, it's not true! Pai, it's not true, right? You didn't do this, right?

Gun continues in a joyful voice.

"You don't believe me? Well, it's okay. But these years have taught you nothing, right, Sky? So, I'll tell you something. When I told Pai that I was your ex and showed him our pictures, Pai said something. Do you want to know what?"

Sky didn't want to know that or anything else anymore. While his vision is spinning, he's forced to look at the phone screen; it's a picture of him having sex with three men.

A picture so disgusting that he has trouble breathing.

"I have more. Wanna see?"

"No..."

He's not saying it to Gun, but to himself as he looks at his picture and those men in various positions. Sky remembers nothing from that night but pain, and that he looked at this man and begged for it to stop. He didn't know when they took pictures of him, and now Prapai has seen them all.

"It's okay if you don't want to see the rest, but do you want to know what your Pai said?"

"No."

Sky feels as if he's dying. His heart is bleeding and screaming not to hear anything else at all. He doesn't want to know anything and be in even more pain. He shakes his head, breathless, looking like his heart could stop beating any second.

But the most horrifying words are said out loud.

"He said, 'Take back your filthy toy.' "

"Ugh!"

Sky sobs out loud with his eyes wide open, but he can no longer see anything when his heart and his brain are translating the message. The terrible memories from the past confirm that this is happening again, and in the most horrifying, brutal way.

Pai.... gave him to them?

Again? How long do I have to endure this pain? Why? Why does nobody love me?

He sobs and screams out as loud as he can. Even with no tears, Sky is dying.

Pai, do you hate me now? Are you bored of me already? You... gave me to them?

In the midst of the torturous screams, he can only hear the laughter of two men. Once again, Sky is returning to his past, but not in a nightmare. This time it's true that he has been fooled, and his heart has been betrayed again.

---

At the race, Prapai notices Sky is missing and Rain is returning from somewhere.

---

"Where did you send Sky off?"

Warren laughs.

"Do you have brain damage? You told me to send him yourself."

"Me? Me?!?!?!" Prapai shouts loudly, making the kid flinch and the smile fades; he realizes Prapai isn't joking.

"You didn't?"

"What did I tell you? I was racing all the time, I didn't have time to tell you anything. So, who told you, Rain? And where is Sky now?!" His stress causes Payu to stare at him, and also Saifah walks in to see what's going on while Warren replies quickly.

"Back then, when... when you were racing, Sky told me he was going back to rest, so I was going to drive him home, and a guard told me that you told me to send Sky off to your condominium."

Prapai rarely gets angry, but it's terrifying when he does, and Rain understands that now.

Even though Prapai is a big man with a strong body and tanned skin, he always has a smile on his face and his eyes only show happiness, so Rain has never been scared of him. But now that he's tense with angry eyes and clenched teeth, Rain moves closer to Payu with a hammering heart, not only because he's afraid of Prapai, but also because he's realizing... he screwed up.

Warren didn't know about his friend's past, so he never doubted a word from the other person. But no more.

"My condominium." Prapai is still repeating the word, but above all, he's thinking about the guy who kept flattering him and just asked for his keycard. He turns away from there and hops on his superbike as soon as he can.

Prapai isn't sure what's going on yet, but he doesn't have a good feeling about this at all.

"When the event is done, take the bikes to the garage. I'll see to them in the morning." Meanwhile, Payu turns to order his men quickly. He pulls Warren's hand who tries to follow; he doesn't care about the struggle and says to Pai in a strong voice, "I'm coming with you."

Payu doesn't know what's going on, but the look on Prapai's face... this is the first time he thinks his friend might kill someone.

"Me too."

Same goes for Saifah, who says it and gets in his car. Then Payu drives off immediately, following the other man who's riding his superbike far ahead of them and over the speed limit.

---

It doesn't take long for Prapai to park the superbike in front of his condo, stop the engine, and pull out the key. He remembers he already gave his backup keycard to Sky and his main one is with Petch. Instead of running to the elevator, he goes straight to the counter downstairs. He takes some time to give his name and obtain a visitor pass, by then his friends catch up with him.

"So, who told me to send Sky here?"

"How am I supposed to know?!" Prapai knows he shouldn't yell at Rain, but he has no time to cool down. Warren can understand, so he stays silent even though he's scared.

Not long after, they all arrive at Prapai's floor. The tall man runs along the hallway and slams his fist on the door.

"Open the fuck up!" He's so angry that he can almost break the door down.

Bang! Bang! Bang!

"The fuck are you banging for? Just come in quietly- Pai!!!"

Bam!

At that moment, the door opens up and Pet, who's wearing only pants, pokes his head out frustratedly. His eyes widen when he sees the owner of the room. Prapai doesn't care; he pushes the guy so hard that he almost falls. He heads right into the room and sees an empty living room.

"Pai, how did you get here? You let me borrow the room. It hasn't even been an hour yet!" The one who's been pushed blocks him again.

"Move away," Prapai says.

"Don't be so mean. I'm your brother. I'm borrowing it for a bit."

"I told you to fuck off!!!" Prapai yells from the top of his lungs. He no longer cares who's inside. If it's the girl Petch was eyeing at the race, then everything's fine. But if it's what he thinks, this won't end well.

He pushes the other one's shoulder away and pulls the bedroom door open.

"!!!"

The scene that he sees makes Prapai's eyes widen.

The one he's worried about is lying naked with another good-looking man.

If Sky were struggling, Prapai would not be this still. But, no. The kid who used to struggle with him all along is just lying, letting a man with a pierced eyebrow put his face on the kid's chest. And if Prapai saw it right, the guy was sucking Sky's nipples hard without any struggles from the kid at all!

There is not even a rope tying him down, just the boy closing his eyes willingly, causing Prapai to almost lose his balance.

"Here comes trouble. I told you, Sky, that this was a bad idea." Gun gets off the naked body, slicks his hair and makes a troubled face.

"I'm not lying to you. When we brought the girl up here, we found your boyfriend. I just found out that Gun and your boyfriend are exes. When we were here, your boyfriend started acting up on Gun, so my girl ran away. Then he dragged Gun into the bedroom. And as you can see, they're already having sex," Petch says with disappointment, but the one being mentioned doesn't respond.

It's like Sky doesn't care about Prapai at all.

"That's not true! Sky's not that kind of person!" It turns out to be Warren who shouts and pushes Petch away.

"Pai! Sky would never do that. No way. Even if he's actually an ex, Sky would never fuck his shitty ex! He's always disgusted any time he mentions his ex. Sky! Say something!" Now Warren is the only one who shouts loudly, acting as if he's about to approach his friend on the bed.

But Prapai is faster.

The man rushes in to grab Gun and swing him angrily into the wall. The tall man then drops down onto the bed, observing the naked body with wrathful eyes.

"Sky, get up and talk to me!!!"

He's damn furious after seeing the marks on the white skin, all over the chest, neck, and above all- the silver rings on both nipples.

"Talk to me!" he shouts loudly.

Sky has told him about the ex who made him pierce his nipples, and now the kid is wearing them again just to please the guy?!

Somehow, his heart is denying it, even with a clear scene that the two were obviously already having sex. Prapai doesn't want to believe what he sees. He's acting pitiful by begging his boyfriend to get up and answer.

What do you actually want? You can see they're having sex, so what is there to ask?

He should kill them both, so why is he sitting there waiting to hear any excuse from Sky?

Fuck! I don't want to fucking think anymore!

At that moment, Sky opens his eyes slowly and stares back at him with a gaze that is... empty.

He begs in a raspy voice.

"Pai... don't give me to anyone... Please don't give me away... Just yours... can I be just yours?"

Prapai doesn't really understand what's going on, but one thing he knows is... the kid is in agony.

Sky is not crying; there's no sign of him being drugged. There's only a few words slipping out of his mouth- can he be just Prapai's?

But that makes Prapai snap.

Not because of the clear picture of an illicit affair, but his heart makes him do this.

"You motherfuckers!"

He doesn't know what happened in this room. One thing he does know is that the kid is clearly suffering. It shows through his shaking voice and the emptiness in his eyes. Even though there are no tears, the listener's heart aches in pain. Who else could have done this if not them?

Prapai has been wondering what happened to Sky's last relationship, but this time he doesn't have to ask. The sure thing is that his lover looks like he could die at any minute, so the man turns around from his naked body on the bed and goes straight to the one trying to slip out of the room.

Pow!!!

The man makes a strong punch to Gun's face. The man crashes to the floor, but Prapai isn't satisfied yet. After seeing Sky's face and thinking of the paranoid looks Sky always had, or the day Sky told him they were over despite being in so much pain, he can guess that these men are the ones who caused it. He doesn't know what Gun did, but the bastard left a lethal wound on his boyfriend's heart!

"You hurt my boyfriend, didn't you?!"

"No... Ow! He seduced me! That bitch seduced me!!!" Gun tries to block the punches as best he can, but how can he fight a big, furious man? The more he makes excuses, the angrier Prapai is. He can't count how many times he punches Gun's face. HE doesn't care about the bleeding nose or cracked lips. He only knows that he will make Gun suffer more than anything he put Sky through.

"Stop it!"

Petch runs in to pull Prapai away from his friend, but at this second it causes a fist to punch at Petch's jaw instead. Still, it opens an opportunity for Gun to grab his phone and show Prapai when he turns back.

"You have to believe me. Sky is more slutty than you know! He fucked three men at the same time before!"

Gun shows the picture he showed Sky earlier. He doesn't care anymore about using it for blackmail.

They didn't think Prapai would catch up this early because the event wasn't over yet, and it's known Prapai never leaves early unless there's an emergency. They thought they would have fun with Sky many times and have a chance to drag him somewhere else before Prapai ever knew.

The picture was prepared for blackmailing Sky later, but they never thought their friends wouldn't arrive before Prapai. And what the fuck?! Just Sky saying 'Can I be only yours' can make Prapai this angry?

The picture pulls Prapai back and he snatches the phone to see it. He sees Sky giving a blowjob to one man and being penetrated from the back by the other two.

"You see? Are you seeing this? Sky is a slut. He invited me himself. He tricked you into thinking he was a good kid. I used to believe it too." When he sees Prapai freeze, Gun speaks with blood pouring from his nose and a smirk on his face.

The evidence is clear as crystal, who wouldn't believe it?

But...

Crash!

"!!!"

Not only is the phone thrown to the ground, but Prapai also stomps on it until it's broken right under his heel. He stares at Gun once more as he says in a terrifying voice.

"You take care of that fucker; This one is mine."

"Arghhhhh!!!!!"

After Prapai finishes speaking to Payu, the tall man grabs the ring on Gun's eyebrow while using his other hand to lock the head, and then he pulls the ring out. Gun screams in pain. His flesh is ripped apart. The red blood runs down his cheek, but this doesn't meet Prapai's needs. He's so mad he can actually kill!

Meanwhile, Payu knows that he was told not to intervene. Even if his friend actually kills Gun, just let it be.

Not just his piercing on the eyebrow, Prapai grabs Gun's head and slams it into the wall. He ignores the swearing and Gun begging him to stop, as well as the confession that he did it, Sky didn't seduce him, but he told a guard to lie to Rain. He did it all. But the more Prapai hears, the angrier he gets. Even though Gun's body falls to the floor and his face becomes unrecognizable, he still slams his foot into the torso.

"You hurt my boyfriend. You hurt my Sky! I'm never fucking letting you leave this room alive, you piece of shit!!!!"

Several hits later, Prapai kicks Gun until he's no different from a breathing piece of flesh, but he feels it's not enough. Incomparable to the torture Sky is gong through.

"Sky, look at me! Can you see me?! Sky, look at me!"

Rain's cries as he helps Sky calls back Prapai's conscience. No, his brain isn't working properly, only his body is rushing in and pushing Rain aside. He holds up Sky who is still laying frozen, staring up at the ceiling with his lips pressed together, eyes flashing without tears.

"Sky, look at me. Baby, please look at me."

Those eyes don't even acknowledge him.

Prapai feels as if the one in his arms is crying, but there are no tears. It's as if Sky is swallowing down all of his pain.

Two bloody hands carefully hold the kid's face, forcing the eyes to meet his.

"If it hurts, cry. I'm right here. I'll wipe your tears. Just cry."

He says it in a soft voice, even though his heart breaks for the one who is holding it back.

Prapai used to think Sky was never a cryer; despite their difficulties, he never cries, even when they misunderstood each other. But this time he thinks differently. He suddenly realizes the reason Sky doesn't cry is because he locks it all inside, letting his heart drown in tears and die. So, he begs in a shaking voice.

"Cry it out, Sky. Don't keep it to yourself. I'm right here, kiddo. Right here."

"..."

There is not even a flicker of movement. Sky just stares blankly with pressed lips and trembles. He looks like he's drowning, out of breath. He's still not moving, and then...

"I told you to let it out!!!"

The big man screams at the top of his lungs, telling the suffering one to let it all go, but...

Drip. Drip. Drip.

"I'm begging you, cry. I know how much pain you're in. Let me help. Let me..."

It turns out Prapai is the one with tears rolling down his cheek, to his chin, and dripping onto the bloody stained cheek. Tears after tears like there's no way of stopping it, while the deep voice is begging for any way to get inside Sky's heart, to be someone the kid trusts and lets out all that he keeps locked inside.

"I will never give you to anyone. Do you hear me? Never."

Those eyes blink slowly, and the one who has been silent after begging the other not to give him away asks in a shaky voice.

"Pai... why are you crying?"

"Because you won't. If you can't, I will cry for you. If you're suffering, I will suffer with you. If you are in pain, I will be in pain with you. Let me be the one who can do that for you." If he could, he would take all the pain from this kid to himself, all of it, just to be the one in pain or suffering. Anything and everything that is too hard for Sky to face, he will take it all.

And that makes Sky reply softly.

"Even if I cry myself to death, nothing will ever get better."

"It will, trust me. Everything is going to get better. I will be right here- right next to you- so I can take care of you." He insists strongly with a face covered in tears. Then his eyes start burning when the kid's eyes become red, and the tears... roll down Sky's cheeks slowly.

Sky cries, his body shakes, and the sobbing becomes harder.

"Um! Ugh! Pai, Pai."

The sobbing turns into Sky calling his name while tears flow from the collapsing dam. The one who's been still lifts his head up and pulls Prapai into a tight hug.

"Pai, please don't leave me. Don't give me to anyone. Please don't, please just love me. Just love me... Love me... Please! Pai!" the kid grips his shirt tight.

The one who's been trapping his pain inside finally cries out loud.

This is the first time after that incident that Sky let out real sadness and had someone with their heart open to truly hear him.

The man who will love and protect him like never before.

---

"I'll leave you to take care of it."

"Just go, we can handle it."

After Sky calmed down, Prapai wrapped the kid in a blanket and lifted him up. Then he glances around the room without a care for a moment and sees Warren crying with guilt not too far away. Payu is keeping watch on that shitty man with a pierced eyebrow who is already unconscious, while Petch is whining in pain at his feet.

"I'm coming with you."

"It's okay, Rain. I can take care of Sky." Prapai bushes the other one off, shaking his head and holding the kid tighter. Sky looks at his best friend, still Sky, still not wanting his friend to worry.

"I'm okay."

"Well... but... Let's talk after this."

Sky nods and closes his eyes, exhausted. He's not hiding anything anymore.

When they share an understanding, Payu calls them.

"Take my car keys."

Prapai rode a superbike on his way, but considering Sky's condition, it would be impossible to ride it home. So, Prapai is more than happy to take his friend's car keys. He doesn't want his lover to be in the same room as these fuckers anymore. He gets out of the room, but in the entryway he sees...

"Chai."

A handsome man with a terrifying aura- the close confidant and head employee of the host of the race.

Chai comes with a large group of his men. Surprisingly, those men are dragging several teenagers with them.

"That guy said there were going to be more people coming. I was worried we'd be outnumbered, so I called Chai. He happened to be around." Saifah raises his eyebrows at Prapai, looking proud of his own intelligence. Prapai thanks him for it. He's too mad now seeing Gun's friends to think of anything. He can only nod as a thank you and tells Chai-

"If it's not too troublesome, beat the shit out of those two in the room for me. I'm begging you. And if you want me to compete with anyone in the race, I won't deny it."

If he competes, bids will come pouring in, and the host will get a share. But Prapai is ready to not get a single baht, no arguments, he's ready to do anything Chai's boss asks him to, just to make sure the two brats get what they deserve.

And the Thai mafia will be even more thorough than what he asked for.

"I will see what I can do."

Even saying it like that, a deal has been made.

Prapai is now comfortable taking Sky out of here as fast as possible.

Prapai leaves, while Rain wipes his tears.

"Fucking asshole! You hurt my friend! Did you use me, you motherfuckers?!" the tiniest one who looks fragile has a stronger personality than Sky, and kicks Petch many times. There isn't even any hesitation in his mind when he goes to stomp down hard on the exposed crotch of the one who passed out; Gun will be waking up to absolute suffering.

"You hurt my friend, so you'll never use it again!"

This time, Payu doesn't stop him from stomping again... because his tiny boyfriend won't back down easily.

And, of course, he feels bad for Sky. So, for Rain who is Sky's best friend, how could Payu even stop him? It seems that before they end at Chai's hands, Petch and Gun will be made infertile by Rain first.

---

It is half past three in the morning when Prapai brings his lover back to his house. He stops to tell Praiphan, who is studying for her exams, not to wake anyone up. He doesn't want his parents to see how messy Sky and him look right now. His sister agrees and looks after them with worry, but doesn't intervene. He doesn't have time to care about anyone else other than the kid in his arms. He puts him down on the bed as gently as he can.

But when he steps back to clean his bloody body, he's grabbed.

"I'm going to take a shower; my hands have blood on them."

When he says this, the kid gets up, clinging onto him all the way to the bathroom with an uncomfortable look. He has to ask.

"Would you like to take a shower together?"

The one who's been quiet nods.

They really just take a shower. Prapai cleans the blood that stained Sky's face from his own hands. He takes off the rings which are pierced to the kid's nipples with hatred. He covers the kid's body in soap and cleans him up.

Sky also rubs soap on the man. There is no sexual sensation; there are only touches of trust and intimacy.

When they finish, Prapai wraps Sky in towels. He takes the kid to sit on the bed, but again...

Grab!

"I'm just getting clothes for you. Don't worry, I'm not leaving."

That makes Sky let go of his arm as his eyes look calmer. Prapai turns quickly around to put clothes on and grab some for his beloved, who puts them on without speaking.

When it's done, he doesn't hesitate to pull the other one into a tight hug, stroking his hair and murmuring that the bad stuff is over now, nothing will happen again, and that Prapai is here now.

The man can hear the heartbeat of the one in his arms slowing down. The anger and suffering lessens.

When he sees Sky looking calmer, he feels calmer too.

[midnight-black2]

imagine being Janns best friend and you travel with him everywhere for his races. you usually stay in hotels…

you get into your shared hotel room just to find out there’s one bed 🫣 (prompt #9)

“i took her to my penthouse and i freaked it” 😻🗣️

I LOVE YOUR WRITING BTW!!!! 🫶

𝐂𝐎𝐍𝐆𝐑𝐀𝐓𝐔𝐋𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍𝐒

pairing : jann mardenborough x reader

synopsis : what the req says basically

disclaimers : fast-pace smut, dom!reader, sub!jann, masturbation (m!recieving), praise (m!recieving), idk maybe more im prob forgetting lol

note : i hope you wanted smut otherwise i guess just stop reading at the smut part if you didn't bc i wasn't sure whether to write it like this or not but uh nonetheless, hope you like it 😭 p.s, i'm glad you enjoy my writing !! 🫶

it was an exponentially long day, and you were ready to crash.

for context, that day was one of janns big races. of course, he placed. he came in first, which was huge. you endlessly congratulated him, but you felt like you needed to do more. you'd figure that out tomorrow, though. now, you were too beat to think about it.

you, jann, and the others that were apart of the traveling team all checked into the lavish hotel that was booked for that night. since you and jann were the most comfortable with one another, you guys always shared a room. well, that night was no exception. the front desk lady handed you the key, and everyone was on their way to their designated rooms.

you entered the key into the slot, before it flashed green and you two stepped into the room. you let your suitcase fall to the ground, before sleepily rubbing your eyes. janns energy seemed to have switched, and the air felt stiff around you. you looked up, and widened your eyes a bit at the sight you were met with. of course, just what you needed.

"are you serious? there's only one bed?" you mumbled, with a low groan. he was pale in the face, looking as if he had just seen a ghost.

"i can just uhm sleep on the floor if you want," jann suggested, swallowing shallowly. you shook your head.

"no, i'd feel bad making you do that."

"well i'm not gonna let you sleep on the floor."

"then i guess we're sharing then," you said, too exhausted to care otherwise. usually, you'd come up with some sort of solution, but this time you simply plopped on the bed, and made yourself comfortable within the covers, allowing the mattress to engulf you.

"a-are you sure?" he questioned, nervously. you nodded.

"mhm," you hummed. he reluctantly got in bed with you. he was wide awake--there was no way he would get sleep tonight with you in the same bed with him. he felt as though he could burst. you wanted to sleep, you really did. but, jann interested you just a bit more than proper rest. you could feel the tension rise, and you glanced over. he didn't seem tired at all.

"you alright, jann?" you asked, placing your hand on his. you definitely knew what you were doing, and wasn't helping janns situation whatsoever.

"y-yeah, i'm fine. just sleep, i don't want you to miss out on rest because of me."

"yeah but you seem troubled," you replied, as you rubbed the pad of your thumb along his hand. "what's up, jann?"

"it's nothing, really. i promise," he threw you a half smile, trying to cover up. naturally, you could see right through him, and he knew that.

"is it about the next race? you have nothing to worry about, you know. you're good, really good, jann. you got first place today. do you know how excited i am?" you explained, squeezing his hand with a smile. "i also feel like i never properly congratulated you."

"but you did, so many times," he laughed. you laughed along with him.

"yeah, verbally, but i feel like there's a different way to show how proud i am."

"like how?"

"however you want, it's your big day, after all," you answered, knowing exactly what was crossing his mind. you wanted him to say it himself, to use words, but you knew he was never too good at it.

"i guess there is something that comes to mind," he said quietly, not making eye contact with you. his eyes darted across the room, as he sat up to his side and rested his head on his elbow. you did the same, admiring him.

"yeah? like what?" you asked. he couldn't find the right words. would he mess it up? say something stupid? oh, he didn't know. luckily, you seemed to have already know what he wanted when you started to lean in, eyes flickering to his lips. his heart skipped a beat--no, his heart skipped many beats. you kissed him feverishly, his lips soft on yours. when you finally pulled away, the two of you were panting and out of breath. he felt heat spread throughout his body, and it suddenly occurred that he may have needed you more than he thought...hah.

you both sat up. you ran your hand down his body, before resting it upon his inner thigh. his breathing was becoming more and more shaky with every action you made.

"are you okay with this?" you queried, wanting to make sure he was completely comfortable. he nodded, but it wasn't enough. "words, jann." he gulped.

"yes, please." you smiled softly.

"good," you praised, hand traveling to his growing hard-on. he looked at you with such pleading eyes, that you just couldn't stop yourself. your hands went to zipper of his pants.

"may i?" you asked. after all, consent is hot.

"mhm," he hummed, nodding. you chuckled, and undid the zipper. you pulled down his boxers with it, revealing his cock. and god fucking damn, was he big. i mean, it was no surprise, he was a tall guy too. but it looked to be about 8.5 to 9 inches, which was difficult for you to comprehend.

"fuck jann," you mumbled, with a small laugh. he whimpered when you accidentally grazed the tip. and he was sensitive, too? could it get any better? he was the full package. you slowly wrapped your hand around his cock. first, you didn't do much. you wanted to ease him into the feeling.

"Y-Y/N please," he pleaded, his brows furrowing.

"please what?" you asked.

"please touch me."

"aren't i already doing that?" you asked, teasingly, but nonetheless gave him what he wanted, and started moving your hand. up and down, creating a slow, steady rhythm. and god, the sounds he let out. broken moans and groans, whimpers and sometimes soft whines. he sounded utterly divine.

"o-oh god," he whimpered, bucking his hips up slightly. you let him do what he wanted. after all, this was a little gift from you anyway. you didn't quite expect to be getting your best friend off tonight, but now that it was happening, it was hot.

he threw his head back, bundling up the sheets in his fist, and his other arm was thrown across his mouth, in hopes of not becoming too loud.

"doing so well, jann. you always do so good," you mumbled, kissing his jaw gently. he moaned, and shut his eyes. he felt like he was dreaming. was this a dream? nope. it was very much so happening, and he was very much so about to cum, already. you sped up your pace a bit, as you thumbed at the tip a little. he whined, furrowing his brows.

"i-i can't, i think im gonna cum," he warned, groaning softly. you smiled.

"cum whenever you want, jann," you responded. that about did it, he came with a silent cry, mouth hung open slightly, panting out of his mind. he dirtied nearly everything within close distance. the once white pristine sheets were now dirtied with his cum, his shirt was messy, and so were his pants. you kissed his lips softly.

"there you go, you did so well for me," you cooed. he couldn't help the smile that creeped up on his face.

well, turns out you found out the perfect way to congratulate him.

𝟐𝟎𝟐𝟒 © 𝐤𝐲𝐚-𝐢𝐬-𝐤𝐨𝐨𝐥

𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐥𝐥 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐫𝐬𝐭𝐲? 𝐟𝐢𝐧𝐝 𝐦𝐲 𝐦𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭 𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞

[arcadia-of-pluto]

Twist of Fate; Chapter Five

Pairings; LADS OT4 x reader

Word count; 3,000

Themes; isekai, eventual smut

Rating; 18+ for swearing and some mature context

Notes; As always, horrible described combat scenes. Also, a reminder for the text emojis, 💜 is Rafayel and 🩷 is Y/n

Also, I will be working on other stories and oneshots in the future! I just want to get this story rolling and then I'll begin writing other things.

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Masterlist

A few days later, Rafayel finally shoots you a text.

💜 :’miss bodyguard im in need of ur services’

💜:’theres a specific material I need to finish my artwork and only U can help me find it!’

Finally the message you were waiting for. You take a deep breath before sending your message back.

🩷 :’I'll have you know, I've been charging you half the usual price for my services. This better be worth it.’

💜 :’aww dont be like that! Come on over Ill tell you the details when yuo get here.’

You get dressed and head out, saying goodbye to Estelle on your way out.

Once at Whitesand Bay, you step into Rafayel's art studio and, of course, he's on the floor. You already know what's going to happen but you step forward regardless and put a finger to his nose to make sure he's breathing. “Rafayel?” you say, confused at how he was texting you one moment and now he's asleep. You look around the studio, noticing paint cans scattered all across the floor and unfinished paintings with the word ‘Lemuria’ written in the corner.

You go to tap his shoulder and he catches your wrist, causing you to jump in surprise and knock over a dirty water cup which bleeds onto a nearby canvas, revealing an ocean sunset. “Oh hey, you got here sooner than I anticipated.” Rafayel sits up and lets go of your wrist before holding his hand out, “Pull me up?” He tilts his head to the side with a smile. You sigh, shaking your head as you take his hand, but he has other plans and tugs you down with him.

“Rafayel!” you angrily groan as your knees hit the floor, your hand landing in a puddle of baby pink paint next to his head. “Are you crazy?” You ask, anger evident in your tone as you met his eyes from above him. “Mmh, only a little. Anyway, now that we're more comfortable, I need your help getting something.” He rests his hands underneath his head, making himself comfortable.

You roll your eyes and push your body up with one hand so you’re sitting next to him. “And you decided that was the perfect position to ask your question?” You raise a brow, shooting a pointed look at the baby pink paint on your palm. “I get it, it's not a good look. Let me take you out first,” Rafayel chuckles before saying, “Go wash your hand off, we can go to a café or something and talk.”

Once at the café, you sip on your drink as he explains what he's looking for is called a coral stone. He's painted with it before and he needs some more. It’s apparently a really important material for his next painting. “Look I-” But Rafayel shushes you, holding a finger to his lips as he spots something behind you. “There's someone here.”

“Is it someone from the N109 Zone? Why are they targeting you anyways? It makes no sense.” You scratch your head, annoyed at all of the interruptions, and he looks away for a moment, “I… refused to paint something for a big shot and, I guess, I pissed him off.” He shrugs before turning his head to look back at you, “Look, I know you said you want to get into the N109 Zone, so how about we work together, yeah?”

“I've been pretty busy these days…so I'll think about it.” You run a hand through your hair and then tap on the table with your nails. “Should we bait this guy out and see what he wants?” “Sounds fun, Miss hunter.” Rafayel smiles, before you both get up when a group of highschoolers are exiting the cafe and go straight down an alley where you ambush the guy.

He says he's a reporter and that a man who Rafayel sold a painting to died and the reporter was wondering if somehow Rafayel's paintings had killed the man. If you remember correctly, this was the same man who had a mermaid skeleton on display in his home so…maybe this is good riddance. Wait- or did Rafayel really kill that man because he had a lemurian skeleton in his home?

You both end up letting the man go but, before you do, Rafayel breaks his camera and you head back to Whitesand Bay together to look at the sunset. “Look, you don't have to say anything..Just come to the pier tomorrow at 10 if you're willing to go with me. And don't forget your promise.”

“What promise?” You tease before you reply quickly before he gets pouty, “I remember, don't worry.” It was the promise to be his bodyguard. “But if you do come tomorrow…I have an idea on how to get into the N109 Zone. The Nest is an information hub so we could…bait out Onychinus.” Rafayel turns to look at you and tilts his head to the side. “Sound good? I'll pull some strings and get you a Hunting day invitation, anything else you do after that is on you though.”

“You'll just have to show me how to be bait.” You say before you nod your head in agreement. “Deal.” You shake hands and go home to get up bright and early tomorrow.

You stretch your arms up in the air and yawn as you walk across the pier on Whitesand Bay. As you rub your tired eyes, you notice a tall man, that wasn’t Rafayel, standing on the pier. “Oh, hey Mr. Thomas.” You greet Rafayel's manager, who was a tired looking man. “Just call me Thomas. You know…I've never seen Rafayel this excited before! He's been like this since you've been around.”

“Oh really now?” You raise a brow, laughing before Rafayel steps in-between you both. “So you ready for our dangerous mission?” You ask and Thomas peeks around Rafayel with a look of shock on his face, “Wait, I thought you said this was a date!”

After this, the two of you hunker down into the small boat and begin to row toward the island in the distance. “Why couldn't you have gotten a motorboat?” You groan, tilting your head back as you aid Rafayel in rowing the rickety wooden boat. “Zayne said sun exposure to my scar may make it worse.”

“Zayne?” Rafayel raises a brow and scoffs, “on a first name basis with someone other than me?”

You pause, before internally cringing at your slip up. You throw a hand up in the air as you speak, trying to calm his dramatics. “He's my doctor. I've known him for a few years, remember?” You look away from him, not wanting to talk too much on that subject since you weren't sure what would happen.

“Hmm…Well, since you didn't ask yesterday or today, we're heading to Hat Island.” Rafayel says after a few moments of silence with a pout on his lips. “That one island that's riddled with wanderers? The one that everyone is told specifically not to go to?” You question before scoffing, “Huh, maybe I should charge you more.” “Don't be like that, cutie. The protocores from the wanderers here would be great to use as paint. Oh and the coralstone..it's said to be from Lemuria so that's why my paintings with it have illusion properties.” He decides to provide some exposition and you try to row a bit faster. “Anyways, you can't have all of the protocores, I have to submit some to the Hunter's association.” You grumble and the artist in front of you grabs your hand that's rowing. “Slow down, you're gonna make me seasick.”

After about thirty minutes of rowing, the island was finally close but it seemed like the boat was slowly falling apart. “Should we swim the rest of the way?” You worriedly ask, not fully confident in your swimming capabilities, since you can only doggy paddle and not actually swim. “And mess up my suit?” Rafayel retorts and you roll your eyes, “It's better than staying in a sinking boat.”

“Fine, we'll swim once we're closer.” The purple haired man reluctantly agrees as he notices more water seeping into the boat. “The boat will probably be fully submerged by then,” You comment, but continue rowing nonetheless.

Once on the island, you check your watch. “Hmm, it seems like the biggest fluctuation is on the other side of the island.” You say as you wring the water out of your hair. “We'll probably be here the whole day.”

You decide to shoot a quick text to Xavier, asking if he'll feed Estelle dinner tonight and then send another to Zayne, asking if he can reschedule your doctor's appointment for the day after tomorrow. “Alright, let's get going.” You start walking but pause as you notice Rafayel isn't following and has a pout on his lips. “What's wrong now?” You sigh and tilt your head to the side with your hand on your hip.

“You were texting other men with me right next to you.” He hmphs and crosses his arms over his chest. “Relax, Raf,” you roll your eyes with a smile, “I was asking my doctor to reschedule my appointment and my neighbor to feed my pet.”

“You got a pet?” The artist was suddenly interested, but you shushed him as you heard a twig snap nearby.

“Relax cutie, there's nothing around-” Rafayel suddenly lets out a yelp and hides behind you. “It's a monster!” He peeks over your shoulder and you let out a small laugh as you spot a small orange cat. “It's a baby! Come here, baby.” You crouch down and hold your hand out with a smile.

“A baby? That's an evil creature with razor sharp teeth and claws.” Rafayel hugs himself and shivers as he tries to stay far away from the little kitten.

“He's harmless.” You say as you hold your hand out toward it and the cat stood there with wide eyes before the fur on his back bristles and he hisses at you before taking a swipe at your hand. The man next to you moves forward and his hand gets scratched instead as he grabs yours to make sure you were unharmed. “Ouch- see I told you it was evil. I'm gonna die now that it scratched me!”

“Kill the dramatics, Raf.” You say with a laugh and you grab his hand to look at it. “It's barely even bleeding…Do you need me to kiss it better?” You tease and Rafayel raises an eyebrow with a mischievous smile playing across his lips. “Oh, would you now? I'll only feel better if you kiss me- I mean, my hand.” “Are you sure?” You muse before leaning forward to press your lips against it, keeping eye contact with the man before he gets too flustered and looks away.

“That's enough.” He clears his throat, pulling his hand out of your grasp as his ear tips turned crimson. “Let's get a move on and we might be able to leave before the sun sets.”

Once you both get to the other side of the island, the sun is already low in the sky and said sky is beginning to turn orange. “So much for leaving before sunset.” You sigh, kicking your feet as you walk along the beach before your watch beeps. “A wanderer?” You pull up the map, confused. “But where-” “There.” Rafayel points toward the ocean, “Looks like it's gonna pop up soon.”

From the readings on your watch, this was going to be a big wanderer. Hopefully the fight won't be too difficult.

The large, blue bird-like creature rises from the ocean and you take your guns out of their holster. “It's oddly pretty.” You comment before the bird lets out a shrill noise and flaps its wings shooting out blue feathers that embed themselves into the ground.

You roll out of the way, landing on one knee and you fire a few bullets into the creature. “Rafayel,” You shout and he gets the idea. He runs over and you take one of his daggers, flipping it between your fingers as he takes your second gun. You launch yourself into the creature with Rafayel's knife, still charged with his fire evol, digging into the bird's chest and you drop down through the air. Rafayel’s dagger cuts the wanderer from chest to belly but once you get its feet, it kicks you into the water.

Rafayel grabs his weapon in one hand as you fall and then catches you as well, one arm around your waist as water swells around you both. If his evol is fire, how is he using water?

The cut on his cheek heals and you can't seem to stay conscious to see him finish off the wanderer. Instead, you feel yourself sinking deeper and deeper into the murky depths. A feeling of nostalgia washes over you as you feel a panic spread through your chest. You seemed…terrified of drowning but you have never been afraid of water before. Trauma doesn’t suddenly form so where did it come from? You want to cry for help but the moment you open your mouth, salty water fills up your throat and your body forces you to try and breathe. “Help me..” A memory almost resurfaces in your mind, but it’s put to a pause whenever you notice a faint red mark appear on Rafayel’s chest. Why wasn’t he coming to help you?

Though as your consciousness finally begins to fade, you could've sworn you saw Rafayel hesitate to save you. Then, the next moment, he's swimming toward you with a fishy tail? Whatever, it's probably just you hallucinating- is what you'd think if you didn't have any prior knowledge. You already knew Rafayel was lemurian, which is just a fancy way to say mermaid. He was from Lemuria, think of it like Atlantis but it's always been underwater. It was a city lost to time with Rafayel being one of the only inhabitants left, save for the other few people who escaped to land.

The next time you open your eyes, you're back on the beach next to a small fire. Your head was resting on Rafayel's thigh with his coat over your shivering body. You blink a few times before rubbing your eyes as you sit up and put your arms through his coat to wear it properly. It's dark out, you assume a few hours have passed since fighting that bird wanderer. You glance over at the artist and tilt your head to the side. “You…nevermind.” You shake your head before instead saying, “Did you get what you needed?”

“Ah, the bird dropped a pretty little protocore.” He holds the blue gemstone between his fingers as he shows it off, “annnd I also found some coral stones while you were out.” He puts the protocore away before pulling out a rectangular card. He hands it to you with his index finger and thumb. “Here.” “Is this..?” You take the card from him and open it up.

Invitation to Hunting Day. D-3

“Ah, so it's three days from now.” You unknowingly let out a sigh of relief and Rafayel raises a brow, “Are you scared now, cutie?” “Not really. I'm just reluctant to trust you.” You hmph, crossing your arms over your chest. “I saw how you hesitated to save me.”

“You saw but-” He sighs and rubs the back of his neck. “I didn't hesitate…I just hadn't killed the wanderer yet.” He looks away and clears his throat before slightly glancing back at you, “Did you…see anything else?”

“I did but…we'll talk about it later. It doesn't seem appropriate right now.” You say before you sneeze and wrap your arms around your waist. You hear a familiar hiss and you turn to look in the direction of the noise. “Oh, the baby is back.” Your face looks brighter compared to a few seconds ago. This time, the kitty lets you pick him up. “You are such a cutie.” You rub your face against his fur before kissing him on the head. You can hear Rafayel scoff beside you and grumble under his breath, “I can't believe I'm jealous of such a vile creature.”

“What was that?” You ask, turning your head to look at him. Your cheek still pressing against the kitty's soft fur.

“Nothing.” He clears his throat. “Thomas should be here momentarily with a boat and then we can finally go home. Are you going to take that creature with you? You shouldn't show it affection if you're just going to leave it behind and forget about it.”

You let out a heavy sigh. You know exactly what Rafayel means when he says that, even if he assumes you don't. He's putting himself in the cat's shoes- um, paws.

“Raf…” You press your lips together and pat his shoulder as you stand up so he can't see your face. “I'm not going to leave you.” Your hand squeezes his shoulder as you hold the cat to your chest. “I'm taking him with me..maybe my neighbor will want him and I'll still be able to see him all the time so…I won't forget about him either.”

Rafayel makes a noise in the back of his throat. You're not sure if it's from surprise or if he was overwhelmed with emotions, but he stands up and wraps his arms around you from behind, resting his forehead against your shoulder. “Just let me…stay like this for a minute, yeah?”

Your heart was pounding in your chest, this was the closest you've been to any of the male characters- to your friends, you could say. You take a deep breath before nodding, “Take as long as you need, I'm not going anywhere.” Rafayel's grip around your waist tightens and the two of you stay like that until the spotlight from the nearing boat lights both of you up, and Thomas brings you both back to the mainland.

---------------------------------------------------

You know, I just realized that I said I would update every weekend buuuttt I never said how many times I would update 😎 Twice. Probably twice. I feel bad since most chapters, until later on, will be 2-3k words so posting two chapters gives yall at least 6k to read and that makes me feel better. Anyways, hope you enjoy and be prepared we're getting closer and closer to Sylus!

[sailorblossoms-snowbaz]

Simon "not feeling anything"

“It was fine, it was sex” is one of those lines I keep coming back to because what does that mean. Even removed from context, in a scale of things that are supposed to be mind-blowingly fantastic or, at the very least, actually good, just "fine" will be perceived as negative. If you prepare someone a meal and they say "it was fine, it was food," you're probably going to think they didn't like it. If someone went out to pick a dress for a special occasion, and they go "it was fine, it was a dress" about the dress they picked... if you don't think they fucking hated that dress, you're likely assuming that person doesn't care about dresses at all. Like, dresses do not cause positive emotions at all. Picking a dress feels like nothing, perhaps. Maybe it's even it's even boring as hell.

A big component of that line is that it sounds dismissive, even more so because it comes with a Simon who is trying to change the subject. He would very much rather not talk and think about this at all (his final word on the matter is a dismissal as well – "it doesn't matter" – which comes in the context of highlighting the difference when you actually want it... "this is how it feels like when you're in love and turned on and so I actually want to do it, whatever works between Baz and me, as opposed to that other time when it wasn't like this and it was the opposite"). But there's something else I want to highlight here...

Fine, in the context of negative things, might not necessarily be seen as positive, but as something that you can handle.

In that sense, maybe it was "fine." In a fucked up way, maybe it was something that could be handled because it felt like nothing. (If this is something impossible for you to imagine, I invite you to look up conversations of real people who fall somewhere in the acespectrum sharing things in the vein of "I tried sex to see what all the buzz was about and it felt like literally nothing. Like washing my car: a tedious exercise. Maybe we're wired differently" – it's obviously not literally nothing, you can very much feel if something or someone touches you, but maybe you get the idea of what I'm trying to say.)

Simon has completely convinced himself that not feeling anything is fine – it's part of why his feelings for Baz are so difficult, and not just when it comes to deciphering them... having them at all is difficult. It's so much. The lack of feelings is what he liked about dating Agatha, after all. Having different interpretations is obviously alright, my own interpretations are richer after seeing others point out things that made me see things I didn’t notice (or saying things that sound wrong and interrogating “why does reading this make me feel like I just licked a goddamn lemon”) but sometimes, somethings are just missing the point. The point is that Simon doesn’t have those feelings for Agatha. If he had been attracted to her, he would have experienced certain feelings he would need to negotiate with. But he never had to do that – he's thrown into the reality of his feelings for Baz with no map, no guidelines, no clue of what do with himself at all. His attraction for Baz throws him into uncharted territory, not just in terms of intensity, but in terms of feeling anything of that nature at all. That doesn't fit into Simon's fucked up idea of "fine." Baz notes Simon goes from 0 to 100, without realizing how much that truly applies. (I'm sure I have other posts that are basically: before discovering he loves and wants Baz, Simon's only intense emotion that he's familiar with is anger, and it would be easy to mix up that heat with attraction to Baz, with whom he's constantly picking fights with, seeking his attention...)

Part of the point is that Baz is the first time he’s dealing with what attraction and romantic love truly feel like, and on top of that, is intense as hell. It's The Love. The Attraction of a lifetime – of many lives, even. Of all of them. If Simon ever had such feelings for Agatha, she would never have felt safe. I don't think people truly realize that when they speculate "there must have been the flames of something" between them at some point. If she had awakened those things at such a precarious and controlled part of Simon's life – we can't ignore how much his emotions had an effect on his crazy magic – it would not have been "fine." She wouldn’t have been an armor, for him ("if you’re as beautiful as her" — not only conforming but standing out in terms of beauty standards is a form of “standing out” in "the right way," of being aspiration — you are untouchable — the opposite of being neglected or rejected for someone as him). "She's the type of person a boy like me is supposed to want" wouldn't have been safe by itself if she also made him feel like exploding (his attraction for Baz, when Simon tries to act on it, feels like going off).

For the record, Simon's "fine" is not the good type of fine. It's not the type of "fine" that makes you sigh in relief. This is a guy who could get shot and say "I'm fine" while bleeding out. And that's just the thing. Simon "not feeling” is necessary so he can live according to others like he does, but it’s not that he doesn’t actually feel anything. He's not made of stone. But he represses his actual feelings, even without realizing (sometimes he's not repressed he can't even identify the thing being repressed, it's just hidden away somewhere... until he can) and seeks situations that don’t awaken anything in him. It's what's more comfortable... and you have to keep in mind this is someone who's used to be uncomfortable. Discomfort is familiar. It's "fine." Being in situations he doesn't actually want to be is "fine" because he can't even identify his own wants. It's not even a factor.

But it's not really fine in the good sense of the word. If it was, he wouldn't self-harm through that conversation, for once (using physical pain to distract himself from the internal discomfort – external discomfort feels good in comparison). It's not "fine" to date someone long-term when you don't feel anything (other than friendship, very tellingly) for them. It doesn't "save you" from feelings, it just makes you sad.

Since Simon avoids processing, he lacks vocabulary to describe what’s happening. Not thinking about what he wants also means he doesn’t question what he doesn’t want... and even if it doesn't seem like a big deal, doing unwanted things still has effects, even if you avoid processing them (I'm sure I wrote that post so I'm not going to elaborate here but I''ll say: associating sex with pressure, not pleasure – only food is associated with pleasure before Simon has sex with Baz – is one such effect). “It was just going through the motions” is Penny’s vocabulary. It's something she says to Simon when he's still not ready to process that everything he believes to be just "fine" it's not. The way he's been living up to that point (according to what everyone expects of him, following a map, not ever making choices about anything ever outside of battles and stalking Baz – Simon's only "me time" is about Baz) is not fine. If you make a list of every moment Simon acts genuinely, truly happy on the page? Most of them are about him being close to Baz. Kissing Baz, touching Baz, taking to Baz. Making choices about how to live his life (by itself unfamiliar, and does not feel "fine").

Sex with Baz is not fine. And it's not just because it's better than fine on a scale of "was it good?" (even acknowledging something like "I had sex and it wasn't good" it's feeling something – negative feelings are also not fine if the full force of them are processed, they're only fine if they can be pushed aside and repressed). It's not fine because it makes Simon feel so much, and after being so used to nothingness, it's a complete shock to his system. It's going from 0 to 100. It's bigger than magic – even the one he had (and back then, releasing his magic was the only type of release he knew... it's no wonder that another type of release would be so difficult, after all, the only type of release he's used to is destructive... but that's another post, too)

[someidiotwithalaptop]

So... about the "Ironwood Was Right" thing.

I recently saw this resurface a bit, in the context of Ruby's regrets in Volume 9. Basically, taking the fact that she felt like she'd failed as the show saying that yes, actually, she was wrong to go against Ironwood's plan in Volume 7.

I feel like I went into thinking about this trying to debunk it on a logical level. Like, is it actually a good idea to fly off into the sky in one big long stalling measure when your opponent is literally immortal? What's stopping Salem from grabbing all the rest of the relics and then just waiting as many generations as it takes, until the people of Atlas forget why they came up there in the first place and return to Remnant out of curiosity?

The thing is, treating it as an argument about what's the more "rational" choice is missing the point that like. We're talking about a story. We don't know exactly how many people are in Atlas and in Mantle and where they are and how many more trips they'd have to take to finish the evacuation, because details like that would just bog things down.

This is not a trolley problem with x number of people from Mantle on one side and y number of people from Atlas on the other. This is a trolley problem with a wealthy and powerful person on one track, and a disadvantaged person an alternate track, and Ironwood choosing to pull the lever instead of trying to stop the trolley. The point is not "how many." It's not about math. The point is that there is a fundamental difference between dying in the central location while a bunch of Huntresses and Huntsmen do absolutely everything in their power to protect you, and dying abandoned in the mines you used to work while the city built off of your labor flies away to safety.

The question this conflict is asking is about whether or not other people can be sacrifices. Ironwood says yes—team RWBY disagree. That's the actual crux of this argument. Does Ironwood have the right to decide who deserves protection and who isn't worth the risk? Do we get to give up on other people before we've even tried to save them? It's about the idea of certain people being disposable. Mantle's wall isn't important, Amity is. Amity will protect all of Atlas, and that wall will only help the people in Mantle. It implies that their safety is an acceptable sacrifice for the greater good. It treats them as disposable.

There's a reason it was Nora who spoke up and pointed out that it's always Mantle being asked to bear the burden for the greater good. Nora has been a disposable person before. Hell, Cinder has been a disposable person! The way Atlas (through the madame) treated a living person as a resource to be exploited or sacrificed is the entire reason that Cinder is trying to burn the kingdom down. Thematically, Atlas cannot escape the danger she poses by sacrificing more disposable people.

One of the biggest themes of this show is cooperation. It's all about how Salem can only be defeated by working together. But working together is not possible if certain people are taking on all of the risk, all of the sacrifice. Everyone has to be willing to put some skin in the game. Like, imagine trying to do a group project if you knew half of you were guaranteed to get an A no matter what and the other half weren't.

So the idea that Volume 9 is supposed to come back around and say that actually, that plan that would have literally divided a city in half and cut loose the poorer half like fucking ballast, that was the right thing all along and Ruby Rose was wrong to challenge it... that would be an absolute disaster of a thematic statement.

This is not a show about hard military men making hard military choices. It's not going to contrive a situation where cold-blooded calculation determines that the right thing to do is to pull up the ladder. Because outside of weird philosophical experiments about trolleys, the right thing to do usually has more to do with empathy. Compassion. Cooperation. All that gay shit.

[tiredkiwilol]

Of Childhood and Heroes

This is the fic idea I had awhile ago with child Hyrule and Legend!! For a bit of context, we're starting out in Hyrule POV and he's referred to as Link. Very big thank you to @gryphonlover and @rrainydaydreams for giving me advice when I first started this!!

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Link's head hurt.

His hearing came back to him slowly, muffled noises slowly becoming louder and louder.

Link opened his eyes to see a battlefield. He could see about six hylians armed with swords and shields, but he could see arrows coming down from the treetops, never from the same spot though.

Instantly wary, Link crouched down, back to a tree. He pulled out the small, albeit rusty dagger he'd found in a cave awhile back and held it defensively in front of him. It had been surrounded by broken and decayed bits of wood, likely a wooden chest that had worn down overtime.

Nonetheless how easy the dagger could give an infection to someone, it wouldn't do much good against the armed strangers fighting a small hoard of monsters. With each strike they seemed to take down more and more monsters. It wouldn't be long until they got to him.

If he could just back away out of their sights, he could make a run for it and-

"You're holding that wrong," a squeaky voice sounded from behind him.

Link swallowed a scream, opting for a less audible gasp and whirled around towards the voice.

The voice came from a small boy, maybe a few inches shorter than Link himself. He looked a few years younger than Link, and had, shockingly, shoulder length pink hair. He was in a familiar green and brown tunic, nearly identical to the one Link was wearing. The only difference was that Link was wearing a small green cap.

"Who are you?" Link asked, holding the dagger threateningly towards the younger boy.

The boy ignored his question, instead pointing towards his hands. "You're holding your dagger wrong. Your grip's all shaky! I should know, my uncle taught me how to use a sword, even though it was all wooden. He said the thing that's most important about sword fighting is your grip because if you let your sword get knocked out of your hands when you're fighting then-"

Gosh, does this boy ever stop talking? It's clearly going to get him killed one day.

"That's not what I asked. What I asked what was your name," Link pointed his dagger at the boy again, which was great form and with a good grip!

"Woah, okay little guy, let's put the dagger down and then we can talk about introductions," a new voice sounded.

Link looked up, seeing six-seven! Armed men coming closer to them, a man in armor and a blue scarf was the closest to them along with a man in a pelt with tattoos that reeked of dark magic.

Crap, he missed his chance to get away. Link looked behind him, could he make a run for it before they grabbed him? He wouldn't be able to fight any of them, that was for sure.

The two men in the front crouched down to their height, although they were still taller than Link and the boy, who had finally stopped rambling.

"So, what are your names lil guys?" The one with the pelt spoke first.

Link held his dagger towards him. "What are your names?"

"I'm Link!" The pink haired brat said, holding a hand out to shake.

Link glared at him. This boy was going to be the death of Link! Wait-

"Your name is Link?" Link asked the boy, who's name was also apparently Link. Gosh, why did he have to share a name with a boy that had absolutely zero survival skills?

The boy, he wasn't going to call him Link too, nodded, seemingly oblivious to the turmoil inside of Link's head. "Yeah, what about you? What's your name?"

"...Link. But I'm keeping that name so you need to change yours!" Link said, glaring slightly at the younger boy.

"What?!" The boy yelled, stomping his foot on the ground, "No! That's not fair, you should change your name!"

"Why should I? I'm older," Link said, crossing his arms, though still holding the dagger.

"How do you know that?"

"Well then, how old are you? I'm already eight," Link said smugly, he was keeping his name.

"I'm eight too!" The boy held up his hands...with six fingers up.

"So you're six?" Link jumped at the unexpected voice, tensing when he remembered that he wasn't alone. The person who talked this time was a short boy in a blue tunic. The wind seemed to dance and laugh around him.

"No, I'm eight!" The boy said, frustrated, but still holding up six fingers.

"He's six," Link said, glaring at the boy.

"No, eight!" The boy glared back.

"Okay, okay, so you're eight," the man in the pelt said, "and you're also eight. That means we need a new nickname for both of you."

Link glared at him, the kid was obviously lying! He couldn't even hold his fingers right!

"Nicknames?" The boy questioned, satisfied after winning his case.

"Yeah! We all have nicknames here, I'm Wind, that's Twilight and Warriors, there's Time, Sky, Four, and Wild!" The boy who the wind loved, ironically named Wind, said.

"Why should we trust you?" Link interrupted, "You're all armed strangers who we don't know and we're in the middle of nowhere. For all we know, you could be kidnappers!"

"W-What?! You kidnapped us?" The boy's eyes widened, and he hid behind Link.

"No, no! We're uh, your babysitters?" The one in the white cape reassured, waving his hands. What was his name? Sky?

"You're lying..." The boy said quietly.

Link looked behind him, the boy was looking at Sky, eyes slightly pinched. Huh, maybe he wasn't hopeless after all.

"Okay, okay we're not babysitters, we're actually here to rescue you because we're knights," The man in the scarf said, before paling, as if he had never meant to say that.

"Knights?" The boy came out from behind Link. "You're knights?!"

"Uh," all the armed men seemed to pale a little more as the silence went on.

"My uncle was a knight! Did you know my uncle?" The boy turned to Link. "Knights are the coolest ever! Gramps says that I come from the long line of Hyrulian knights too! I'm gonna be a knight when I grow up! Do you like knights?"

Link was honestly a little shocked at how fast this boy could change his tune.

"I, uh, sure?" He really didn't have that much of an opinion about knights. There weren't that many, or really any at all, where he was from.

But...it was said that The Hero of Legend, the greatest hero of all time also had knight lineage, though in the stories it always showed the knights being easily brainwashed.

Link looked across the crowd. He didn't feel any brainwashing magic, only the lingering dark magic from the man in the pelt. He felt faint fae magic too, it reminded him of home at the very least.

"Okay, we trust you, for now. What do you have in mind for nicknames?" Link asked.

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Okay, so that's chapter one? Maybe? Any grammar mistakes or constructive criticism is appreciated, as well as any more tips for writing. If Hyrule or Legend seem out of character I'm gonna say it's because they're young, (mostly) untramatized, I'm bad at writing, and, again, they are children. I also just think that it would be really funny if Hyrule didn't like Legend at first because he had basically no survival instincts and Legend has absolutely no clue. Also, yes Hyrule is the one with the hat for now. The eight and six fingers thing came from two siblings I met once. I asked them their ages, one said five and the other also said five, but held up three fingers. She stubbornly insisted she was five but her older sister said she was three. Wind knew that because Aryll did the same thing with his age when they were younger. I'll probably use some more experiences I've had with kids because it's funny.

[friskyrisk]

[BIG BOY POST + I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING DON'T LISTEN TO ME] I have to preface this with a HUGEEE disclaimer that an unhealthy workplace is never acceptable, and that the culture of a company being shit is almost *always* the fault and neglect of leadership. That out of the way, as an avid pm fan its impossible to avoid the conversations that have been occurring about PM as a company, and after Ji-Hoon Kim's live stream, these conversations sort of converged on his role in the company and his lack of aptitude as CEO. Second disclaimer, I'm not here to glaze Ji-Hoon as an unassailable god, I think its clear to anyone keeping an eye on whats been happening that he's very suspectable to shitty mistakes. But what's bothered me, and the whole point of this post I guess, is the tone of some of the criticism addressed to him. People have sort of defaulted to the way they talk about every other irresponsible or greedy CEO when talking about him, but I think that misses a lot of important context that's vital to understanding why these things keep happening. Ji-Hoon did not go to university for business communications, or entrepreneurship, or any other fields related to heading a company. Ji-Hoon attended Ajou University for 4 years as a *game developer*, and as a scenario writer for all three PM games, he seemed to have a passion for writing as well. That is to say, Ji-Hoon Kim is an artist. Being a game director and writer are both creative positions, and from my research, he seems to have no prior experience in any other fields. The reason why this distinction is so important is because a lot of the discussion has been directed at PM's treatment of its artists, rightfully so, but its also been tinged by the preconception of CEO's as people who care for profits and growth, often to the detriment of the artists that work under them [A preconception that historically has been proven accurate, BUT only because these people are brought in by a board of directors from the business world] It also largely explains Ji-Hoon's almost nonchalance towards the company, and his controversial statement about wanting to "run it as a club". To many people, this sounded eerily like the corporate "we're all family" excuse that's often given to mistreat workers, but looking at Ji-Hoon's background, and how he started PM as a passion project between 7 people with his scholarship money, as an actual creative, it very much comes across to me as naivety, not malice.

This doesn't abdicate Ji-Hoon completely, and in fact, makes him culpable in other ways. PM has grown to a team of 45 people- its safe to say that it needs leadership from a business savvy, [hopefully] ethical CEO, and that Ji-Hoon simply does not have the tools in his skillset to provide that. However, his work and vision are still vital to Project Moon, and I'd love to see him shift to a position that still has creative control, but that separates him from the business and leadership aspects for the workers and his own good. I'm still quite fond of 300 lunacy man, and I think a CEO as passionate as him has its sets of advantages, but I think he's understandably out of his depth here, and I just hope that a conclusion where all parties are satisfied can reached.

holy yap sesh imma go play demon souls now

[bonzos-number-1-fan]

TMAGP 19 Thoughts: Bad Scientist

Another really strong episode, and one with a lot to get into. Probably the densest episode yet in terms of historical context, lore content, and mystery clues. So a lot to get into and no point in any more preamble.

Spoilers for episode 19 below the cut.

Sam and Celia's chat is somewhat interesting. She's now looking into alchemy. It looks like she's looking into the exact stuff Sam was, because she's also looking into the Magnus Institute now. Darrien 2 did a world hop and the Magnus Institute scooped him up so that lead makes sense to follow. Although it's curious that she hadn't done that yet. She's continuing to push Sam to keep up that research too. Celia is pretty much always trying to pull people's strings like that. It being such a consistent character trait does bring into question how sincere any of her actions really are with the rest of the office.

Before I get into the incident proper, this is going to be a bit of a weird one. There is a lot of historical context and alchemic terminology in this one. As such I'll be quoting the show more than usual to explain and explaining who people are, what they're doing, why it's relevant, etc. Like I said, it's very dense. There are also a couple of points of interesting grammar to mention as well which would be missed without the transcripts.

The incident's format is a letter from Robert Hook to Robert Boyle who are both Fellows of the Royal Society. Which is a lot of context off the bat. So, Robert Hook was a 17th century polymath who's most well know these days for his work in microscopy with a microscope of his own design, and for his work in helping rebuild London after the Great Fire (which we'll get to). He also did a lot of work on gravity and planetary rotations which ended up being quite foundational to Newton's law of universal gravitation. He wasn't, however, an alchemist. Boyle on the other hand very much was. Widely regarded as the first modern chemist and he's most famous for The Sceptical Chymist, a work that would be hard to overstate the importance of for the field. Hook, Boyle, and Newton all overlapped a lot in a lot of ways outside of these things too, especially in fields like optics and colour theory.

They were all also Fellows of the Royal Society at this stage too. Which to give it its full name is The Royal Society of London for Improving Natural Knowledge. It's general goal is to promote science, offer support to scientists, and helping shape policy. It was only founded in 1660 and so hasn't been around for a very long time at the time of this incident. The Royal Society is also what's being referred to with the numerous mentions of "Good Science". In short, it's about using science for the public good and to aid in further the endeavours of other scientists to that end. So the Royal Society is probably not up to anything nefarious here. Despite the fact that Newton ends up becoming its president later in life.

Another big thing mentioned here and repeated throughout is the "Protocol". Capital P in the transcripts. So, yes, they said the thing. It's not the first time it's come up but both times it's come up it has been standalone. I don't know if I mentioned it in last time but I have a feeling that the "Magnus Protocol" isn't really a thing. There is just the Protocol and it was used against the Magnus Institute. For its full title to be the "Magnus Protocol" it'd likely have to be named after Albertus Magnus, who is a noted alchemist himself, but I think it's more likely that the Magnus Institute is named after him than the Protocol itself. The most interesting detail we get about it though is that whatever the Protocol is it was enacted against London to burn out a plague. Which would mean in this setting the Great Fire of London was deliberately set to combat the Great Plague of London.

So now we're at Newton himself. The gravity guy. But also the laws of motion guy, the calculus guy, the optics guy, and a lot of other guys guy. Of note here is that Newton was a very noted alchemist and theologian. Both fields were large parts of his full body of works. I think Newton is well known enough that I don't need to get into that though. Besides it's not the first time I've talked about him. As a quick reminder of that though Newton was Warden and Master of the Royal Mint. At the time he served in those roles the Royal Mint had moved out of the Tower of London to Royal Mint Court. Which is where the OIAR is currently located.

Okay for our first quote we have this:

It was only through the Protocol that we were spared from that Dread emission and I fear that such an act is once again required

The capitalisation there is how it appears in the transcript. Protocol we've talked about but "Dread emission" is very interesting. The capital implies that it's the name of something. Which I would wager is either one of, or the whole of, forces Lena mentioned that need to be kept in check.

Then we get to Newton's work proper with this:

he had finally perfected the work of Wilhelm Homberg to produce what he termed the Arbor Philosophorum Perfecta.

Which is very interesting for a number of reasons. Arbor Philosophorum, the Philosopher's Tree, or Diana's tree is a real thing. It's a dendritic amalgam of silver and mercury. Basically meaning it's a metal who's crystalline structure grows to resemble a tree. Wilhelm Homberg is German natural philosopher that wrote a fairly simple recipe for this process and while it's not known if Newton ever attempted it we do know he had a recipe for this. Although it's actually George Starkey's recipe which is a gold mercury amalgam instead. What's more important is that Diana's tree was thought to be a precursor to the philosopher's stone itself. So Newton has basically perfected something of similar nature to it. With some fairly fucked up results, as we'll see.

Out next quote is Latin:

de ligno autem scientiae boni et mali ne comedas in quocumque enim die comederis ex eo morte morieris

Which is Genesis 2:17, and in English (NET) it reads:

but you must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for when you eat from it you will surely die.

Because, as noted, Newton was a theologian too. People probably think of him as a rational scientist atheist type but back then there wasn't as much conflict between the two. He was a devout, if not exactly orthodox, Christian.

Christian or not he's playing God a little. We get to see what the fruit of his labours are and it's not looking like good science at all.

such a creature must by all natural law lack that essential and ephemeral anima that is required for such awful knowledge I tell you here Robert, it saw me and it knew me.

So this is an interesting thing to say. Anima in this context isn't the Jungian syzygy but something more akin to "spirit". The anima has a lot of overlap with the tria prima. Which I've spoken about a fair bit before but is an alchemical concept that sulfur, mercury, and salt embody three fundamental principals, but also defined human personality. Mercury is spirit and is related to concepts like morality, imagination, but most importantly for us higher reasoning. A lot of emphasis is placed on the dog's knowledge and Diana's tree, the catalyst for this transformation, is a silver mercury amalgam. So it looks like Newton found a way impart spirit onto something.

There is also this:

I propose that we enact the Protocol but limit it only to his laboratory, destroying his research and correspondence

Fun fact: the dog Newton is experimenting on is likely Diamond. Diamond has a lot of stories about him. The most important one is that he burned about 20 years worth of Newton's manuscripts.

And that's that. Quite a lot to break down as I said. But we're not quite done.

Sam talks to Alice about the computers listening to them. Which isn't the first time he's had that thought but it's nice to see him bringing it up. Alice is very Alice about it but Sam is at least trying to figure things out.

Lena and Gwen have a Lena and Gwen conversation about Lena sending Gwen to her probable doom. But Starkwall is mention again. Nothing too interesting to say on it though.

We finally get more of Colin. It's been too long. He obviously know's Freddy is listening in at this stage but what I want to focus on is the last two sentences here:

No, what I need is to not be seen. He sees too much already. Doing mummy and daddy Stasi proud, I’m sure. Not that anyone cares as long as it all balances, right? Not too much mercury or the world ends, not too much sulfur or we all go mad…

So as I was just talking about the tria prima, here it is again. Sulfur is the soul which is emotions and desires. Which lines up fairly well with how Colin describes what too much of it would do. But this whole thing seems to tie into Lena's talk about balancing forces. Which makes a great deal of sense as the alchemical symbols for the tria prima, along with the philosopher's stone, all appear in the OIAR's logo. How Newton ties into that remains to be seen but there is a very large link there. The mention of the Stasi is also sort of interesting here. For those that don't know the Stasi are the East German secret police. Germany has come up a few times before with Freddy having German source code, Klaus being a German, and most relevant to this in the ARG the largest body of text was a usenet group about people leaving East Germany. Which then ties back into Colin as one of its member hacked the OIAR, and also seemed to be helping out jmj.

Okay, all done. Now it's time for more of the same but nerdier and unhinged.

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Incident/CAT#R#DPHW Master Sheet and Terminology Sheet

DPHW Theory: 1137 is very reasonable. Just a Weird thing that was very weird and had a little bit of mental manipulation to it which looks to be Helplessness' purview. It's also more weight on my idea that 1 is the floor with 0 being the ceiling and counting as 10. There was nothing in the supernatural element of this one that had any strong resonance with Death or Pain as concepts or themes. If 0 was the floor I'd expect to see it for this one.

CAT# Theory: CAT13 is a great a CAT#. It's exactly the sort of thing I was talking about in the essay on why it's not Person/Place/Object. The supernatural "person" here is either Newton performing the magic, or the dog that's the subject of the magic. The object is the crystal that induces the transformation. Which is a virtually identical setup to the tattoo incidents but those aren't CAT13. They're CAT3, CAT23, and CAT1. It's continuing that trend of data that you can explain in isolation but becomes incongruous when taken as a whole.

Anyone that's read most of these rambles will have heard me mention the notion of CAT# being related to the tria prima. It's something I talked about when the first couple of eps came out. Colin mentioning sulfur and mercury is a fairly overt reference to it, and Diana's tree is a silver mercury amalgam. In relation to CAT# it's always been something that felt right. What tria prima describes and how CAT# works would go hand in hand for this sort of thing. Now, I'd be a hypocrite if I clung to the idea just because it felt good. So I quickly discarded it because episodes didn't line up will with it pretty early on but it might warrant a fresh look. I might have been right but with too little data to see the pattern.

The way Colin talks about it also ties in with another idea I've floated that CAT# is about the domains of either three entities, a triple deity, three purviews multiple entities share, or that each combination is an entity that's a portion of a whole. Lena's comment about the OIAR balancing forces would obviously tie into that notion too.

R# Theory: Rank BC is about what I expected on this one. It's not something you'd think happened but it's at least backed up by a historical account of someone well known. So more weight behind it than a letter about a mass hysteria event, but still in the realms of "yeah, nah".

Header talk: Transformation (canine) -/- growth (Crystalline) is bonkers. Transformation (Canine) you would think is a Transformation that is somehow canine in nature. Transformation (Eyes) isn't just your eyes. So, if this is correctly filed, dogs have their own subsection that encompasses all of transformations that occur to dogs. Any transformation, regardless of what it does, so long as it transforms a dog would be Transformation (Canine)? Growth is fine. It grew root-like things/Diana's tree is grown. So it makes sense. Although I'm not sure it's the most compelling crosslink when it was doing the whole "know the nature of you" thing. Crystalline on the other hand is madness. Sure, Diana's tree is a crystal but it's formatted like the subsection of a crosslink. Or a sub-crosslink, I suppose. Which hasn't been implied to be possible thus far and if it is possible why don't they all include it? Surely this helps with the problem in specificity that was mentioned in the very first episode? This one feels the most like a misfile so far. No format again either.

[piratecaptainscaptainpirates]

I've been thinkin' on it, and I think the biggest reason people are still insisting that Ed is just awful and abusive and whatever (aside from the racism of it all) is because the writers of OFMD fundamentally assume that viewers will like him and be on his side.

And, like, that is one hell of a reasonable assumption. Before s2 we spent a lot of time getting to know Ed; we see he's very sweet and smart and can be silly, and his self-esteem isn't great and he already has a lot of self-destructive tendencies and struggles with believing he can have nice things. These are all things we see in s2 and none of them should come as a surprise. We've gotten to know Ed and in s2 the writers assume we will be able to grant him even the barest ounce of sympathy.

"But he's being super violent and hurting the crew!" Ed's behavior at the beginning of s2 is best described as "a bit over the top" in the context of the show, and before he pulls out all the stops trying to get the crew to mutiny on him in his suicide attempt, he never actually hurts anyone except for Izzy (Izzy's the guy who threatened him and caused all this, or he'd still be crying in his blanket fort at the start of the season. OFMD has ALWAYS had a "talk shit get hit" philosophy and Izzy should not be the sole exception).

"But he never had to face any consequences for his actions!" I think almost getting beaten to death and then having to spend an entire episode convincing yourself you deserve to live is a pretty big consequence, actually.

"But he never apologized!" The group apology in s2e5 was obviously a joke (Stede clearly wrote it anyway and made Ed memorize it, look how Stede mouths along and Ed fumbles his lines), and it's pretty clear that Ed's conversation with Fang is meant to represent what he's doing with everyone. He's trying. He thinks up a way to try to give Lucius closure, even though it doesn't work, and when Fang mentions something Ed did that hurt him, Ed immediately and genuinely apologizes. It is not a wild jump to assume Ed's doing that with other characters and the show just assumes we're smart enough to figure that out from context considering how the crew are good with Ed again in s2e6.

"What if he hurts Stede/is abusive to Stede?" Multiple characters ask Stede something to this effect, Stede says "that's really stupid, of course he won't," and Stede is right. Question easily answered.

We're shown that Ed's response to being hurt and upset is not immediately violence. His first response is to go and hide and make himself feel safe - tub, blanket fort, hiding under the blanket and Anne and Mary's. Violence is Ed's response to feeling threatened. There's a difference. We're shown this over and over and over again, and frankly the only reason I think some people miss it is because they don't care to think about what's making Ed feel threatened in the first place.

It's just so clear that some people watching this show care so little about Ed and only care about what he can offer in a scene with other characters. Ed did not enjoy anything that happened at the beginning of the season - the last time we see him in s1 he's sobbing his poor eyes out and that's implied to have been consistent through s2e2. He's suicidal and having a miserable time and yes, he's hurting people who care about him, but it's not just for funsies, it's because he's trying to get himself killed. It's wild to me that some people can turn on the Ed and Stede show, see Ed pull himself out of such a terrible place by the end of the season and commit to a life with his boyfriend, and think that the show is setting up Ed to be abusive or imply he hasn't gone through any character growth and just coasted through the season.