#like thinking about it I think it's possible that I've literally been hugged less times in my life than years I've lived

[medicinemane]

I mean, lets say I manage to get the house cleaned up, what do I get?

I get a clean house

And like... obviously that's something, that's enough in and of itself, but man... sometimes I just... I want something, anything

All that work on cleaning out the trailer and all I got was to get rid of the trailer, which did a lot for me but at the same time... I'd really hoped maybe I'd be able to use some of the money from selling it to take a little trip (it was worthless, there was no money), or that I could some how leverage that in to a chance to have some company... no

It benefited me, there's no way I'd even want to pretend that my life isn't much better without that trailer (I'll still have nightmares where I've got to go clean and move a bunch of stuff out of it)

In many ways though, talking about feeling wise, what it felt like was that getting rid of the trailer earned me the right... to try and clean out the rooms I'd piled stuff from the trailer in

Doing that... got me a room that... like it's way nicer having it clean, but it's just an empty room

Getting all the non specialized rooms cleaned out... it's obviously good but like... what's it done for me other than made it so all I have left is to go through stuff which is so hard fro me

I don't want to sound ungrateful for having a cleaner house... in part if I'm blunt and honest, because I fear somehow being punished for it, but also because it is nicer to go through the rooms now they're cleaner

But like... lets say I succeed, which isn't something I do, but lets say I did. Lets say I get the house totally fixed up and a good income and I can work on my garden and teach a bit out of my basement... how will it really be any different from now, and how is now really that different from when I first got my house

I'm still utterly alone, except for being stuck taking care of my mom who... I really wanted to get away from her so bad, and totally failed. I don't know... fill in the blank for me, and not just with some magical "it'll be better"

What will have changed?

Not saying I won't continue to flail towards that incompetently like I have been at my pathetically slow rate, but I'm just saying... what shred of evidence is there that doing any of that will change anything?

Virtue is it's own reward, as in... it literally is a reward in and of itself. The house being clean is the reason to clean the house but... I no longer am able to believe that anything but isolation awaits me... what evidence is there to counter this view

[carto0ncritter]

Abusive fictional fathers - Robotnik vs. Stolas

I won't be talking about Coconuts here since he's not on screen that much, but know that I feel sorry for the stuff he's been through, poor guy

Robotnik ⮕ Scratch & Grounder

Like... he literally only created these two to use and abuse them and that's crystal clear

When I say Robotnik is an abusive pos, this is what I mean (and this is just some of the physical abuse, don't even get me started on the emotional):

...Okay, that last picture was the last straw. Robotnik's thrist for power has officially outweighted Scratch and Grounder's "value." He felt 0 remorse for throwing them into the lava. Keep in mind, he THOUGHT HE HAD KILLED THEM and DIDN'T CARE AT ALL. Thankfully they were fine. And no the fact that they're robots doesn't make it any less wrong

If you're willing to sacrifice your children for a powerful artefact, then I'm (NOT) sorry to say this, but you're a heartless pos and deserve to be held accountable for your actions. If I were in Scratch and Grounder's shoes, I would have ran the hell away right then and there and found home elsewhere

However, unlike with Stolas and Octavia, at least the narrative doesn't try to convince us that Robotnik loves his sons. Because if he did, he would have tried to change his behavior. Or better, he wouldn't have abused them IN THE FIRST PLACE! AT ALL! No matter what he had gone through! I'm not denying that his mom was a pos to him just like he's a pos to scratch and grounder, but i refuse to see this as an excuse. he should have tried his best to break the cycle of abuse

*sigh* Now I've gotta talk about that stupid bird man... let's just get this over with.

Stolas ⮕ Octavia

Stolas is shown to have been there for Via in her childhood. although we never see them bond over anything, connect emotionally with each other or spend quality time together, we've only got this one nightmare scene. this was the only time stolas was shown to care about octavia

He did his best to calm her down and make her feel safe, then proceeded to break his promise for a booty call. For a childhood "friend" that his father bought for him 25 years ago.

And you're telling me how Stolas didn't realize that bringing Blitzø along in Loo Loo Land is uh... a bad idea that will make his daughter feel even worse?

I HATE the excuse that Stolas was "just clueless." Because anyone with the tiniest bit of common sense would come to the same conclusion: flirting with your booty call in front of your daughter who is a minor and going through emotional hell that happened because you cheated on her mother makes you a horrible and selfish father.

Even worse is that Stolas doesn't learn his lesson and once again neglects Octavia. Stolas is too busy hating his ex wife and gushing over his abuse victim that he can't even be bothered to look for his daughter himself, and instead Loona has to be the one to go find her. And then she literally tells Via how her dad's trying his best and how she should cut him some slack. No. No she shouldn't. Octavia was right to think that Stolas hates Stella more than he loves her because that's what his actions show.

He can hug her all he wants and promise to do better but he has done nothing to even TRY to be better for this poor girl.

Not to mention that Loona is a hypocrite. Blitzø has always been doing his best to be a good dad to her, and she thanks him for saving her life by being a complete bitch. It's been five. Fucking. Years. Of unconditional love and support from Blitzø's side. And what does he get in return? A kick in the balls. Blitzø also got beat up by her and hit with the "if I'm so terrible why don't you replace me" after he rightfully called her out and you're trying to tell me Blitzø was the one in the wrong and how this isn't abusive huh ok then whatever ya say

I won't talk about the upcoming episode much. I honestly just don't have the strength anymore. But to make it as short as possible, Stolas is gonna be treated like an uwu poor sad gay boi and once again choose Blitzø, the guy he r*ped, over his own child.

If you check out the leaked story boards for s2 ep12, you'll see how disgusting it is that Via is spitting nothing but facts and yet she'll be demonized by the writers, Stolas lovers and Stolitz shippers. Just...

Please stop lying, dude. Just stop. You shattered her entire life and neglected her for a guy you abused and never got to know on a level that's deeper than sex. No wonder Via thinks he doesn’t love her anymore. The line above gives me the same vibe as THIS line also they made Stolas not only ACT like a guy who victimizes himself but LOOK that way too

STOP LYING. JUST SHUT UP.

I hate this self-pitying hypocrite sm.

And yeah, I get it: he was put in an arranged marriage (this was clearly a retcon, but whatever floats viv's boat) despite being gay and was sheltered and never had friends, but those are explanations for his behavior, not excuses.

Oh and, to anyone who thinks otherwise: Emotional neglect is a form of abuse.

Closing Thoughts

One important thing that I noticed with both Scratch and Grounder and Octavia, is how none of them feel at home with their fathers. A reliable way to know whether you've failed as a parent or not is to see how your behavior affects your kid(s). How does your behavior make them feel?

Let's see here... *checks notes*

Octavia says how Stolas ruined their family, not Stella and in ep12 she's finally gonna call him out on his bullshit thank god. but unfortunately the toxic gay ship will once again be a priority because it's gay

Scratch and Grounder are terrified of Robotnik's wrath, he constantly makes them feel useless and unwanted, but at the same time, they have no problem betraying him both of them always come back to him, just like how Blitzø doesn't leave his abuser because he wants to feel "loved" and "needed" for once even though Stolas treats him like shit

So yeah, if you made your kid(s) feel this way, you've officially failed as a father.

[angelpassing-by]

THAT SHELL WE CALL A BODY

Characters: Kaeya, Neuvillette, Ayato [blu bois] x [fat!/size neutral!fem!reader] Cw: discussion of weight and body, self image issues, suggestive (?) [maybe if you squint your eyes in Kaeya's part], descriptions of food (i'm so sorry, i just love ice-cream and as a lactose intolerant i just spend all summer daydreaming about it, I literally can't shut up about ice-cream for three months straight), vage mention of dieting. I hinted at this like two months ago, but the Neuvi part just didn't come through as I wanted it, after redoing it several times [and experiencing that first hand] I think I'm now satisfied. So basically you are feeling bad about your body due to different things and the bois comfort you A/N: bad English be aware. 𝒴𝑜𝓊 𝒶𝓇𝑒 𝒶𝓁𝓁 𝓈𝑜𝑜𝑜 𝓈𝓊𝓅𝑒𝓇 𝓅𝓇𝑒𝓉𝓉𝓎 𝒶𝓃𝒹 𝓈𝓅𝑒𝒸𝒾𝒶𝓁. 𝑜𝓊𝓇 𝒷𝑜𝒹𝒾𝑒𝓈 𝓌𝑒𝓇𝑒 𝓃𝑜𝓉 𝓂𝑒𝒶𝓃𝓉 𝓉𝑜 𝒷𝑒 𝒿𝓊𝒹𝑔𝑒𝒹 𝒷𝓊𝓉 𝑒𝓃𝒿𝑜𝓎𝑒𝒹. 𝒻𝒶𝓉𝓃𝑒𝓈𝓈 𝒾𝓈 𝓃𝑜𝓉 𝒶 𝓂𝑜𝓇𝒶𝓁 𝒹𝑒𝓈𝒸𝓇𝒾𝓅𝓉𝒾𝑜𝓃 𝒶𝓃𝒹 𝒻𝓊𝒸𝓀 𝑒𝓋𝑒𝓇𝓎𝑜𝓃𝑒 𝓌𝒽𝑜 𝒹𝒶𝓇𝑒𝓈 𝓉𝑜 𝓉𝒽𝒾𝓃𝓀 𝓉𝒽𝑒𝓎 𝒽𝒶𝓋𝑒 𝓉𝒽𝑒 𝓇𝒾𝑔𝒽𝓉 𝓉𝑜 𝓂𝒶𝓀𝑒 𝒶𝓈𝓈𝓊𝓂𝓅𝓉𝒾𝑜𝓃𝓈 𝒷𝒶𝓈𝑒𝒹 𝑜𝓃 𝒾𝓉.

𝓚𝓐𝓔Ⴘ𝓐

It had been years since you last enjoyed a bathing afternoon in Cider Lake followed by a relaxing nap in the Sun. That's how you would spend your childhood summers, splashing and running around in the rocky shore. That was until your teens where you started to become self-conscious about your looks, you didn't look like you "were supposed to", although you weren't too sure how you were even supposed to look.

When you managed to start dating Kaeya the self-loathing began to disappear because, if someone as him, the famous Calvary Captain no less, could love you so deeply, how could you be unlovable? Nevertheless, you tried to hide your body as much as possible and limit the intimacy with each other.

"Maybe if my thighs were smaller, and if I had a slim waist. If, if, if..." As every summer you stand in front of the bathroom mirror, inspecting your body from all angles, comparing with those pretty girls you saw in books and movies. Maybe there's something wrong with me, you had tried it all, exercise, diet, but nothing worked and just made your anxiety sky rocket which in turn made you gain the weight all back again.

"Hey, pretty" your boyfriend suddenly pops behind you snaking his arms around you and plants a kiss in your exposed shoulder.

"Don't say that" you grumble suddenly mortified by the image you two make, him, lean and tall, and you, a tiny and chubby.

"Why?" He kisses your other shoulder and stares into your reflection. "You are the prettiest girl I've ever seen."

"I can't believe you, I'm so fat and ugly and- " Kaeya cuts you off.

"You are adorable and you are so fucking soft" His eyes lock with yours through the mirror and he continues softening his serious tone. "You were literally made for me to hug, your thighs are the best pillow when I come home tired, not to mention how hot you look whenever you wear something short" He playfully pats your butt and you can't help but giggle.

"I do have a great ass" You say and he laughs kissing the side of your neck. "So you don't think I'm ugly, even though I don't look like those thin models and actresses?"

"Don't be silly you are much hotter with your soft curves and those legs, damn, I'd be the happiest man if I got to die of asphyxiation between them." He responds, dramatically placing a hand on his chest as if your words had mortally hurt him.

He hugs you again, tighter. "Now seriously, you are pretty, and hot and beautiful and I don't think any other woman in the world could compare to your beauty. And even if you don't believe me, let me tell you that there's no more perfect body for you than your own. And I love you, and I love every inch of you, it doesn't matter how it looks because it's you, and the people who really love you will see how gorgeous you are. And of course, what a great ass you have."

That is the little push you need, seeing the feral look in your boyfriend's eyes as he ogles you, the way his hands hold you with such care and his lips place ghost kisses along the curve of your neck.

"Do you fancy spending the evening in Cider Lake?" You ask softly.

𝓝𝓔𝓤𝓥𝓘ℒℒ𝓔𝑇𝑇𝓔

"Dearest, is something wrong?" Your boyfriend's voice wakes you up from your thoughts.

"Um, yeah, just thinking, that's all" You answer trying to act normally as if thousands of horrible insults to yourself weren't running through your mind in that same moment.

"So, do you want some ice-cream?"He inquires pointing towards the parlor’s poster displaying some of the most delicious sweets you've ever seen, ranging from mint and berries to an elaborate chocolate dessert with sugar sprinkles and cookies toppings.

Your right foot starts bouncing nervously as you shift your gaze around, avoiding Neuvillette's piercing gaze.

"No, I'll pass" You respond. That's probably one of the hardest things you've ever done. There's truly nothing like having a cold ice-cream under the scorching heat of Fontaine's summer strolling along the crowded streets of the capital. But you saw that woman's look, the woman next to the pharmacy, just in front of both of you, that look you knew all too well: "she shouldn't be out here eating more, that's the reason she looks like that". Sadly, one too many passing comments and dismissive looks from your family had made you recognize it from a young age.

Neuvillette gives you a quizzical look but doesn't push any further. He orders himself something you don't have the courage to look at and meanwhile you focus on his pretty hair, the way it reflects the sun in his high ponytail. Of course he had let you tie a ribbon for him before going out and you smile inwardly reliving the sweet moment.

Which is, of course, spoiled by that woman, staring intently from across the street. When you try to return her stare she just looks you up and down with a peculiar face, one you sadly also know. The look that says, "maybe if you were better, you would look better, like me."

The burning shame sets across your face, painting your features reddish. You feel so, so stupid, after all this time, you think, it shouldn't affect me like this.

"Neuvi, can we go home already? I think I'm getting a bit tired" You urge your boyfriend as soon as he gets his treat, starting to walk a few steps ahead him so he can't see your watery eyes.

"Of course, darling, do you want me to call a doctor? I happen to know..." His voice is usually reassuring and warm, but now the world is just too hot and your head spins with anger and sadness. You stop focusing on his words as you both walk home, him, still a step behind you and you, still containing your tears.

At home, your boyfriend grabs your hands before you get the chance to get away, leading you to the velvety blue couch in the living room.

"Hey, are you fine? You've been kind of distracted this afternoon." His tone is laced with concern.

"Yes Neuvi" But your answer does not convince him.

"Are you forgetting love that you talking to the Iudex of Fontaine? Not even the most expert criminals can lie to me, and you, love, aren't really good at lying."

"'M sorry Neuvi-"

"I don't want to press you to tell me something you don't want to tell me, but I just want to know if there is something I can do about it."

Those words just break the little self-control that maintains your tears at bay. They start rolling around your puffy cheeks as heavy droplets of rain. With a concerned look, Neuvi hugs you closer, reassuringly tracing circles in your back with his hand. I'm between sobs and hiccups you manage to explain the situation as best as you can.

"- it's just, I know it must sound stupid, but -"He shushes you cupping your face in his hands.

"Nothing my pretty lady sais is stupid, do you want me to get that rude woman in jail?"

"What? No!" You exclaim with a horrified look, "It's not that important."

"Well, it is, staring disrespectfully at others is an offense and you have feelings, feeling that have been hurt, feelings that very much matter to me. Nobody should look down others and that woman had no business judging whatever you were or weren't doing."

You huff "What are you going to do then, send everyone that looks at me like I'm thrash to jail?"

"Of course, nobody has the right to determine how you feel towards your body" He gets up more determined than before, "Now, does my pretty lady want an ice-cream" His look is so serious that you can't help but feel like you are in one of his trials, but nonetheless, you respond with an equally composed voice, albeit broken at the end by a little chuckle.

"I'd like that very much Sir Iudex of Fontaine."

𝓐Ⴘ𝓐𝑇𝓞

You can't do it, you can't, well, that annoying little voice in the back of your head keeps you saying that you can't, all because of that stupid summer gala your boyfriend Ayato had convinced you to attend.

It had all started last week, with a scented letter from one of the many upstanding noble women in Inazuma. Ayato had come into your shared bedroom at night, just as you were going to sleep, waving it around. He was so excited you just casually agreed to be his companion, after all, as he had said, you had been a couple for a long time now and you always had refused to attend to such events with him.

He got you a delicately embroidered kimono made with the finest of silks just to match his attire, an ornate fan imported from Liyue, even sparkling blue glass hair pins. All you could do was cry for days. And now, again, you walk around the empty tea room adjacent to your bedroom feeling like an stranger.

You look like an ugly thing pretending to be a pretty girl. That's what that little voice reminds you each time you catch a glimpse from your reflection on the vases.

You will ruin his reputation, what will people think when they see him with something like you?

"Is everything all right Lady?"Thoma's voice startles you and you stop your pacing to look at the man's concerned face.

You nod absentmindedly and offer a weak smile. Thoma seems skeptical, however, he bows and leaves you alone again with your thoughts until your inner monologue is disturbed again not too long after.

"Dear, may I come in?" Ayato's voice is heard following two soft knocks on the door.

"Yes, it was Thoma, wasn't it?" You ask a bit too dryly as the door peeks open.

"Yes, but-" Ayato stops dead in his tracks when his gaze falls upon you. "Oh Heavens, you look truly incredible. Why didn't you tell me you were trying your outfit on? I would've worn mine too. Though I'm afraid nobody will look at me with such beauty by my side."

"Don't laugh at me." You huff with a scornful look.

"I'm not." He looks positively puzzled at your words. "You are stunning."

You cross your arms and narrow your eyes at your boyfriend, "Well, I'm not sure I should go with you."

"Did I do something wrong? Is it the dress? I should have ordered something more luxurious, I don't know what I was thinking. Maybe if-"

"No, no" You cut your boyfriend's panicked diatribe. "It's me." To that he truly looks dumbfounded. "Can't you see it? I look... not like you."

"What?" He tilts his head like some sort of confused puppy waiting for further instructions.

"I don't look thin and tall and imposing like you, I don't want others to judge you because of me" That wasn't entirely the truth, even if some high society folk spoke poorly about you, no one would dare to disrespect the Yashiro Commissioner. No, you just didn't measure up.

"That's not going to happen. Besides, it shouldn't matter what anyone thinks of you. Not even me." he gestures to himself "Although if you don't mind me saying, your curves look positively breath taking in this thin silk."

"I don't know if I believe you"

"Don't believe me, you don't have to like your body, but rather, see the value in what it offers."

He spins you around, the blue kimono shifting with your motions, one, two, three times, until you take his hand and begin dancing around the tea table. Now, the reflection of the vases depicts a lovely woman with a regal attire. Yes, she's chubby and soft, but that only makes her look more ethereal. And you realize a split second after that you are that woman.

Maybe you are just as beautiful as you boyfriend thinks, but even if you aren't, you are grateful to have a body that allows you to dance clumsily and with no music whatsoever in a tea room just before sunset.

[slocumjoe]

danse's romance route has some potholes

so, this post woke me from my slumber, have a ramble

This has always been a weird point for me, but I never got around to really figuring out what it was exactly until just now. I think all of the romantic candidates have out-of-place flirting, at least here and there, but Danse consistently has dialogue options to flirt with him at exactly the wrong fuckin time. The odd thing about Danse is that, most of the time, the normal Good/Yes answer is more romantic or sincerely affectionate than the flirt.

So, the Flirts.

The only Flirt that works is when he talks about his fear of losing people, and Sole says, "I care too much about you to do that to you." It's the first Flirt, and he responds by saying you've given him "something to think about." I've gone on about how Danse has never truly felt cared for. Sole's voice acting also sells this Flirt by being somewhat timid, unsure of saying this, but wanting him to know.

Danse's talks go Kreig > Cutler > Haylen > Help Im A Robot. The first time you can flirt with him is in the Cutler chat, where the "I care about you" line comes up. It's not out of left field from the conversation. It's affectionate, it doesn't overstep, but it pushes the line and makes Danse consider "oh shit, there's a lil something something going on here."

The "Would you hold me?" line is much less subtle.

Danse talks about how he doubts himself after Cambridge and Sole's reference to him hugging Haylen makes it seem like they've just been waiting for him to shut up to use that line on him. It's out of place, it circles back to a topic we've moved on from, and it's so overt it sucker-punches everyone involved, including the player. It's blunt.

The other options of "I'm here whenever you need me" or "I'm glad you feel better" are less flirtatious, but they imply more direct concern and care for Danse. Both lines are about Danse, and Sole being there for him. The actual Flirt is what Danse can do for Sole. This is such a weird nitpick, I know, but it comes off not as romantic, but more like Sole is trying to hook up with him. That would work with someone like Hancock, or maybe Piper, but Danse's romance involves more subtlety and slow-burn elements. It's too forward.

So, in his final talk...

It's literally "Kitten I'll be honest, Daddy's about to kill himself" "haha no don't kill yourself you're soooo sexy"

It comes right after he's having a lot of emotions about his reason for living. This is not the time to put the responsibility of a relationship on someone. Again, this is a flaw of the 4 Affinity Talks system. If you're just going for a platonic relationship with Danse, his talks work great, but his character arc is unfinished anyway. They have to shoehorn romance in there, and it doesn't have the room to develop naturally. It's why Sole has to explicitly say "Would you hold me ;>".

The strangest part is that his neutral/Friendly dialogue options are more affectionate and relationship-building. Again, the other options in the Haylen talk comfort Danse and reassure him.

Honestly, I think the best option, for all romancable companions, is within arms reach. You know how, if you don't romance someone, they'll bring up their last talk again and give you a barn door of an opening to broach the subject of a relationship again? Just. Do that/ It's literally what I did when I romanced Danse; don't romance him as soon as possible. Let it marinate.

The second chance to romance him goes the exact same way, eyebrows to space and all. It just takes place after Danse confesses how close he feels to you and trusts you and not RIGHT AFTER BLIND BETRAYAL.

It's easy to fix the pacing just by not going for the smooch ASAP, but the flirting is awkward. It's worth noting that the line before the Haylen flirt "It's comforting to know that I can speak to you as more than just your commanding officer" has it's own Flirting tag on it. Danse flirts with Sole here, canonically.

A cheap and easy rewrite is Sole echoing the sentiment with something like, "It's comforting to know that you're more than my commanding officer." This leaves room for interpretation. What else is Danse? Sole has an idea, but leaves Danse to wonder about it. It also confirms to Danse "yes, we have a personal bond and this isn't just a work thing."

I think the core of Danse's romance is this dude realizing that he's loved and cared for, truly. Cait has a similar arc, but hers has different complications and contexts than Danse. Danse needs a slow-burn romance full of soft moments and instances of Sole reminding him of his own humanity, even long before the synth thing.

It's worth noting that the "i care too much about you" line is still kinda overshadowed by the "But I wanna be a mutant" joke. That joke makes him laugh, he jokes back without missing a beat, and it's a cute little bonding moment between him and Sole. Romance isn't just overt flirting, it's the little things that make you think the other person is special. How many people do you think can make Danse laugh? Especially about becoming a Super Mutant, right after being told about Cutler? Danse thinks Sole is funny. He thinks it's a cute little joke. He's charmed.

Then Sole sucker-punches him with an explicit ask of physical contact and emotional exploration and the moment is lost. For the Halyen talk, you could have an option where Sole asks, teasingly, if this is going on the report, and Danse laughs and contemplates what Maxson would think. Maybe he even comments about how rumors spread on the Prydwen, implying that he knows there is something between you two for people to gossip about. This would later tie in to The Reveal, where Maxson says the same thing.

[rekino2114]

Going Christmas shopping with Cassidy amber

Holiday post #6

Pairing:Cassidy amber x gn reader

A/n:Am I doing this just because p:e.g. chapter 1 comes out tomorrow, and I really hope Cassidy doesn't die.....yes, definitely, PLEASE don't die my comunist gamer

You and Cassidy made your way inside the giant shopping mall you were planning to shop in, you two took a moment to take in the Christmas decorations and lighting

"Woooh finally, ok we're here"

She took off her hat and scraped some snow off of it

"I told you you should have worn warmer clothes, you thought only your hat would protect you from the cold?"

"Yeah, it's especially made to protect my head from the cold"

"And the other parts of your body?"

She dismissively waved her hand at you while looking at the other side

"Details,Details, besides, I'm not gonna catch a cold just because of a little bit of snow, I'm not that weak"

"Whatever you say"

"Anyway, now the fun can truly start, where do you wanna go first?"

"Is that even a question?"

"I know, I just wanted to say this together"

"Alright then"

"THE VIDEO GAME SECTION!"

You two fist bumped each other and started to walk hand-in-hand to the game section

"OK so what do you want to get?"

"I'm fine with whatever game you want, though I'd prefer a multi-player one so we can play together"

"You read my mind, though why do we have to limit each other to one game, it's the holiday season so we should get gifts right?"

"Oh yeah, I should probably get you one too"

"Nah, that's not what I meant"

She pulled out a credit card from out of her wallet and gave it to you

"My gift is gonna be to get you a gift, go nuts, take all the games you want"

"Oh no please I can't accept that"

"Come on we've been through this a gazillion times, streamer and tournament money is pretty good, even when you give part of it to charity, so I can not not spoil you, plus you're gonna buy more games with the money which is gonna make me more money with the streams, it's an infinite money glitch!"

"I......guess, don't think I'm not gonna buy games that you like though"

"Dude, I like every game you literally couldn't buy a game I don't like even if you wanted to"

"Eh,that's true"

You went and brought every interesting game you saw while asking Cassidy her opinion on them, she basically told you she liked everything which didn't help your objective to spend as less money as possible but she really didn't care about that

"OK what's next on the list?"

"Christmas decorations!"

"Sounds good"

You went to the check out and decorations and brought some that you thought would look good in your house, you then spotted a Christmas hat and held it out to your girlfriend

"you wanna wear this?"

"No, I've already got my hat and I'm not taking it off"

"Who said you had to take it off?"

You then put the Santa hat on top of her own hat, she looked at it and then gasped

"That's an amazing idea babe, it'a double hat! This has gotta double my stats and I'm gonna be in the Christmas spirit"

You giggled at her as you two hugged for a moment

"OK so now what's next?"

"Let's see, we brought games, decorations, sweaters, and cookies, I think we're done"

"OK, let's go then"

You two went to pay and it turned out that the cashier was a "comrade" of Cassidy's so he gave you a discount in exchange for a selfie.

"Wait let me hold the bags"

"Hm? Why?"

"I wanna do something since you paid and also your hands look like they're about to freeze, put them in your pockets"

"I think I have a better idea"

She gave you one of the bags as the held the other ones in her hand, she then reached her now empty hand to yours, wrapping it around your arm and pulling you closer to her

"Don't you know teamwork is the basis of every duo? Both for co-op gaming and for the power couple we are, plus now we have warm hands! Both of us! Isn't that just great?"

You laughed together and got even closer, warming each other up

"Yeah it is, so what do you wanna do for Christmas?"

"Oh, I wanted to do a special stream. It's gonna be like 12 hours long, and we're gonna be playing games and raising money. It's gonna be so epic"

"That does sound epic"

"And don't think you can skip it, we're gonna be playing together ok?"

"Don't worry, I wouldn't miss streaming with you for anything in the world"

[henrysglock]

Does Brenner really asks Henry "what changed your mind? Is there someone else"? Are you serious? Is that actual dialogue?? I'm just shocked, how is no one talking about how weird Brenner is with Henry? does it just flies over most peoples heads?? What the hell

That is straight out of the plays I saw. Both of them. Verbatim.

Henry decides to leave HNL because Patty asked him to come back to do the school play. He tells Brenner he wants to leave, and the scene more or less goes like this:

"I'm leaving." "I'm sorry to hear that. Can I ask why?" "I've decided I don't want to do this (read: make contact with the Shadow) anymore." "What changed your mind? Is there someone else?" "...No." "What, you think you can be normal? Go to prom with some stupid girl?" (Taking pages out of byler's playbook, I see)

And if I recall correctly, that's when Henry starts trying the theater doors to get out. Brenner goes on to tell Henry that he's all Henry will every have, etc. Brenner also, at one point, refers to Henry as "my boy", to which Henry whirls around and storms back towards the stage while growl-yelling "I'M NOT YOUR BOY". (And god it's so fucking good in person.)

Brenner very much treats Henry like a misbehaving/unfaithful wife. It had me gasping even the second time I saw the show and knew it was coming. I expected their dynamic to be clear, but I didn't expect it to be this blatant.

(Right down to love triangle blocking and shared color palettes! Slay. I hate it.)

More "fun" freak facts: Brenner kisses Henry on the head twice during his first stay in the lab:

When he's trying to trauma-bond Henry to himself by forcing him to lose control and kill a rat, only to present himself as a sole possible source of comfort for Henry. After Brenner cups Henry's face in his hands to take readings of his pupil sizes (1.9 and 5.9 respective to left and right eyes...1959...), Henry turns to sob into Brenner's shoulder about it, and Brenner hugs him/kisses his hair and tells him that what he did was "very good". (All of this while Henry's displaying, and I quote, "traumatic mydriasis", which is consistent with strokes and major head injuries. No medical treatment for Henry, just kisses and petting from Brenner.)

When Henry's having his grand mal seizure after displaying images of Dimension X. Brenner doesn't give him proper seizure care, he just cradles him, pets him, and kisses the top of his head. While Henry's half-aware post-seizure, Brenner asks him if he'd like to make contact with the Shadow. Henry agrees, but then as soon as he's slightly more aware he looks to a doctor behind him and literally asks for help. He looks back and says "Help..." Brenner also massages Henry's shoulders while he's ball-gagged in the '70s, and tells him he's been "such a good boy these past few years", which means he's fit to meet the children, which are referred to both as his and Brenner's children, but also as his siblings.

This means he kisses/caresses Henry more than Patty does. Period. Point blank.

Brenner also has some choice lines about Henry and killing. Henry's being forced into killing this whole time, but Brenner turns it around on him and says, verbatim, "You liked it more than you thought you would". It's 10000% giving "You actually wanted it/You were asking for it" irt being, uh, forced into doing something that you didn't want to do. (Especially irt the Shadow and all of its rape coding...Yikes!)

Brenner also massages Henry's shoulders while Henry's ball-gagged and belted to a chair in the '70s, all while telling Henry he's "been such a good boy these past years", which means Brenner has deemed him fit to meet the children...the children which are referred to both as Henry/Brenner's children, but also as Henry's siblings.

Yeah. They're considered Brenner and Henry's children ("You're as much a father to these children as I am"), but they're also Henry's "brothers and sisters". You do the math on that one.

Lots of freak vibes all around.

[emotionalabuseawareness]

Personal update

Hi, everyone.

I'm... here. I'm... fine. Pre-covid-era levels of fine, even if less stable - as in it takes really only a little to throw me off and have me spiraling down. At the same time I'm also kinda better at recovering afterwards. Yet I'm aware now more than ever that I need to do trauma therapy for things to properly improve and for me not constantly struggling with flashbacks and stuff. I've done therapy over the years but never trauma therapy, at first (for the longest time) because I didn't know that that was an option, that there are therapists specialised in that and then, because there was so much else going on and then I tried but oh man, the waiting lists are so long... I'm planning on starting it sometime this year.

I've been neglecting this blog so much and I literally haven't logged in in months out of guilt. At the same time I'm so busy with work and projects that I don't really have the time to post, for now. I'd really want to get back to it at some point (maybe the end of the year?) and I also still like to eventually publish the website I was planning to do, but I'm not sure anymore if I'll manage that. Definitely want to post here again, though. It's kind of hard to grasp that it's been 12 years since my first post. I wonder if I were to re-read all that I've written if there are things that I think totally different of by now or where I'd just give different or possibly expanded (due to more life experience) advice. Surely something I'll check when I start posting again.

12 years also means that I worry somehow about people getting discouraged by the fact that for me and for others, just leaving your abusive parents, hasn't lead to a stability in mental health, but that there still are struggles. That has also been a reason for not wanting to log in and post here. ...in the end it's just the reality, though. Experiencing years of abuse in childhood will for most people lead to CPTSD and have long-lasting effects. Still, things have gotten better and I do hope that things can improve even more. And I hope that things improve for you too.

Take care of yourself. Be kind to yourself. If you need a hug right now, let me give you at least a virtual one.

[ranaissingle]

Coffee or Tea pt.5

Masterlist Part 1 Part 4

Summary: Cuddles and then fluff and then smut. The true holy trinity if you ask me

Rating: M (I will mark where the smut starts for those who want to skip it)

Pairings: Austin x AFAB!Reader Word Count: 2.5k ( I think that's a record lol) Warnings: sex stuff, p in v sex, unprotected sex (pls use protection kids)

A/N: The long-awaited final chapter is here. It took me literally 5 days to write all of the smut bc, and I can't stress this enough, I have no idea what I am doing. Thank you all for following me on this journey. This was my first fanfiction, and the reception of my writing has been greater than everything I could have ever dreamed of. I love you all.

Also, please send me requests I have no inspiration

♡━━━━━━━♡━━━━━━ ♡━━━━━━ ♡

Following their less-than-innocent activities, Austin and Y/N had elected to retreat into her room to spend the rest of the night together.

Austin sat up from the couch with Y/N's body still securely wrapped around his and her legs hugging his waist.

"I'll take us to bed now m'kay?" Her soft reply of "mmhm" and nodding into his shoulder was all he needed to begin the short walk to her room.

He gently placed her on the bed with a tenderness that made tears well up in her eyes. His hands were soothing on her tense skin, and the gentle smile on his face made her heart skip a beat.

Austin looked up from his ministrations to catch her eyes.

"Darlin? Are you alright? Did I do something wrong?" The worry in Austin's voice was palpable. She dug her palms into her eye sockets to stem the flow of tears.

"N-no. You were perfect, it was nice. So nice that I don't know if this is real or a dream and I don't want it to end and I'm so scared that it will." The words tumbled out of her mouth before she had the chance to realize what it was she was actually saying. They were warbled from her tears and teetered on the edge of a confession she wasn't sure she wanted to make.

"It's all real Y/N, all of it and I don't want you to think that it is anything but real." Austin's voice cut through her anxiety like a knife through butter. Her shoulders sagged where he massaged her arm and he let her fall against his chest.

"Sorry, I've never felt or done any of this before so I guess you could say that I'm a little... shocked is all. I didn't think you would stick around afterward honestly."

Austin's laugh was crisp, "I’m sad you think so little of me, princess.'

"No! It's not like that. I know you wouldn't leave me like that because I know you are a good person. I guess I just have abandonment issues." She chuckled dryly.

"Listen darlin', I have meaning to tell you that I-. Well, I lov-"

She could swear she heard buzzing in her ear. He didn't say what she thought he said. Did he? No, he didn't, because that wouldn't make any sense.

Her nails dug into her palms.

That would mean that for the first time in her life, someone had loved her the way she did them. But that's not possible. Is it?

The thoughts spiraled in her mind and each one was darker than the last. He was lying to her. He was lying to get her to sleep with him. He was going to use her and then leave her alone like all the others.

Her hands felt clammy.

A large warm hand enveloped her own and the fog in her mind began to clear.

"Come back to me darlin'. Come back, please." The soft voice gently lulled her back into awareness. She felt like she was coming back up for air after being trapped underwater.

“Sorry. I- I didn't-" She could barely get a word out as she gulped down the fresh air.

Austin moved his hands to cup her face and repeated his earlier words.

"I love you. I love you so much it hurts. You are all I think about darlin' you are all I want."

"Austin." She gasped his name and pushed her lips against his soft ones.

She moved her mouth against his with a fervor she wasn't even sure she had. His tongue swiped the seam of her lips to ask for entrance and she happily gave it to him. He worked her in ways much different than before. He tilted her head every which way while he brought his hands down to palm her hips and bring her closer all at once.

Y/N was back in his lap with her legs stretched over his and Austin pulled away from her to speak.

"We don't have to go any further tonight if you don't want to. We don't even have to do it all if that's what you would wa-"

"I love you." Her voice was clear as a summer morning and almost like she had gathered more courage she spoke again.

"I love you Austin. More than I have ever loved anyone in my life."

Smut starts here (MDNI)

Austin groaned loud and fierce before he crashed his lips over hers again.

He was everywhere. His hands reached down to palm her clit once more through her clean panties.

"I know your body so well Y/N. I knew what to do before I even touched you for the first time." He punctuated his sentence with a quick flick of Y/N's clothed clit making her gasp and buck her hips into his. She felt his hard bulge straining against the seam of his pants.

She reached down to palm it softly. Austins' groan was so loud it practically shook the walls of her small apartment.

She retracted her palm before stuttering out, "S-Sorry! Did I hurt you?".

"No darlin' not at all. If anything, it feels too good. Something about your little hands just gets me goin'."

"Uh, do you... Do you want me to keep going?"

"Yeah baby, I want your hands on me for the rest of my life." His exasperated sigh and far-off stare told her all she needed to know.

Austin enveloped her hand with his and brought it back down to the source of his mental fog. He opened her palm and pressed it against himself.

"Ugggnh" He groaned and moaned while she unhurriedly palmed him through his pants.

"Just like that darlin' you're doin' so well, agh!" He moaned when she applied more pressure to a particular spot. He was putty in her hands writhing and twisting his hips at every touch while panting into her neck. Despite the consuming pleasure, he still found the strength to work her most sensitive bits. Austin's fingers slowly lifted the hem of her panties up and away from her nether region to glimpse the dripping oasis he knew was there. He slowly pushed his fingers in between her; much to her appreciation. Her hips bucked against his hand and her head fell into his neck.

"Austin!~" Y/N's voice was pained.

As if this was her first time with him all over again. Like Austin hadn't just brought her to climax less than a half hour before. She felt she had all the energy in the world. Perks of being a woman she supposed.

"You already want more don't ya darlin'? I just rang you dry earlier and you're already craving huh?" He circled his finger around the rim of her entrance and she tensed in his arms.

"You're such a greedy little thing arent ya." He pushed his finger in slowly while still rubbing his thumb against her clit. She tried to keep her hand's movements consistent where she rubbed it over his cock, but with all the ways he was touching her, it felt nearly impossible. She could barely breathe let alone execute accurate muscle movements.

"Austin uh- slow down, I can't- I can't touch you at the same time~" Y/N's panting gasps made it hard to let out a coherent sentence.

"Oh, but I know you can darlin' You're gonna have to if you want me to keep goin'." She could hear the smirk in his voice as he spoke. He knew exactly what he was doing and he was enjoying it. Almost too much. Her arms shook with the effort it took to keep her hands steady as she rubbed over the ridges of his cock as a white liquid dribbled slowly out of his tip.

"You're doin' so well darlin'. Your hands feel so good Y/N Jesus! I don't know how much longer I'm gonna last." His face had scrunched up at his confession but his hands were mercilessly pounding her. He had managed to put in another finger and found that spongy spot inside of her once again while she was focused on him.

"I'm gonna need ya to stop touchin' me darlin' I want to finish inside of you. Can I?"

Now, normally she would have turned this suggestion down immediately (assuming she had gone this far with anyone save for her vibrator) but it seems at that moment, Y/N suffered from a temporary moment of insanity.

Y/N gasped at his suggestion and whimpered as the visual of his cum leaking out of her crossed her mind.

"Austin please, please I want you inside me so bad." She leaned her head against his shoulder and whispered in his ear, " I want to feel you Austin, please. I want you so bad I can barely think."

"Darlin' you are making it so hard to be gentle with ya right now." His head lolled back against the headboard to compose his thoughts before he perked back up signaling he had come to a decision.

He gazed at her intently, causing Y/N to squirm in his lap. He had managed to get her writhing against him all over again with nothing but his gaze. A gaze that said he was going to devour her and leave nothing left.

"Come closer darlin', this is gonna be a bumpy ride." He drew one of his hands around her waist to tug Y/N closer to him. Austin's fingers traced the seam of her shirt and looked at her for permission. With a nod from her, he grasped the fabric and pulled it up over her head, tossing it aside in the room."

He didn't say a word as he ogled her chest like a starved man.

"Jesus darlin' every time I think you can't get any better you prove me wrong."

"Austiiin~" The need in her voice had Austin at her beck and call. He would have moved mountains for her at that moment. He moved the both of them to where she was laying on the bed and he hovered over her.

"I know baby, I'll help you feel good don't worry." Austin reached back in between her legs to gather some of her slick on his fingers and rubbed it over his swelled shaft.

"I'm gonna put it in now darlin' alright? It might hurt a little so just tell me and I'll stop, hm?" She nodded and he pushed her legs apart to align himself with her leaking hole. He groaned at the sight of her. He pushed himself slowly into her and she felt the air leave her lungs as he stretched more than she had ever thought possible. The ridges of him pushed and prodded against her in the most perfect way.

"A-AUSTIN!~" His name fell from her lips in a cascade accompanied by moans of pleasure and whimpers. Her nails dug into his shoulder blades to quell the growing burning sensation in her stomach. Austin had stopped his movements in order to give Y/N a moment to breathe and grow accustomed to him, but she wanted anything but the sort. She pulled his head closer to her lips and whispered so softly he barely heard her at all.

"Please Austin, I want to feel you moving inside of me." He didn't even give me the chance to finish before he was pounding his hips against hers. The fervor with which he pushed against her made her see galaxies in her vision almost immediately.

"Fuck darlin' I would spend the rest of my life inside of you." He brought his hand up to thumb her clit and her choked sobs spurred him on. His other hand reached up to cup her cheeks and bring her into a searing kiss. Y/N's heart fluttered against his chest and Austin's groans of pleasure only made her gush more.

"Come on darlin', you're doin' so well for me. Jesus." His speed continued to increase until he was spindling her so hard that the bed frame started to shake and rattle against the wall.

"You're so beautiful, my god. You look so good when you're hungry for me baby." His fingers played with her clit and prodded her already stuffed entrance.

Y/n felt something bubbling up inside of her. Something that threatened to spill over at any given moment, and Austin felt it. Y/N clenched herself against his cock which created the most delightful friction between the both of them. Austin's labored breaths and hands tightened around her body bringing her closer to the edge of the proverbial cliff.

"Darlin, are you close? I can feel ya clenching around me. Fuck, you re squeezing the shit out of me! I'm gonna wring you dry just you wait baby." Austin's moans and groans grew louder in tandem with hers until neither of them could hear the other anymore.

"Are you gonna come baby? Come on I want to see how you look when you finish darlin'. You'll let me see it won't you?" His voice sounded desperate and it hitched after each thrust. He would not allow himself to cum until he had seen you fall apart under him for the first time.

Y/N felt like she had transcended time when her orgasm came crashing down on her.

"AUSTIN!" The anguish in her voice shocked her as her thighs shook and her nails dug deeper into Austin's back making little crescent shapes moons as a mark of her pleasure.

"That's it baby! Fuck! Your cunt is so goddamn tight. Ungh! I'm gonna cum darlin'. Your insides are gonna be full of me."

He pounded into her impossibly harder before letting out a moan so loud it shook the walls while the emptied himself in her. She felt him sputter inside of her and the liquid painted her insides. Austin's heavy body collapsed next to her with his head and part of his shoulders resting over her.

Both of them let out heavy pants and had equally large smiles on their faces.

Austin was the first to move and pull the blanket from the sides of the bed over the two of them. resting his head on hers and embracing her in his chest. Gently, he brushed back her disheveled hair and caressed her cheek before kissing her temples and cheek.

He placed little kisses all over her face and neck until she eventually fell asleep in his arms more relaxed than she had ever been before.; and when he was sure she was asleep he whispered in her ear,

"I love you so much I would die for you Y/N." Austin had never felt for anyone so strongly. Austin had never felt such strong emotions for anyone, but for some inexplicable reason, you had captured his heart and held it in the palm of your hand. He was willing to follow you anywhere and everywhere, forever, with a smile on his face.

♡━━━━━━━♡━━━━━━ ♡━━━━━━ ♡

PLEASE READ ALL OF IT!!

You girlies will be pleased to know that I have improved how shy I get writing smut. I had the gall, the audacity, and the gumption, to write most of this while in a Starbucks when I should have been doing psych homework. But alas, I have no shame. I literally typed a vagina as a "dripping oasis" IN A PUBLIC PLACE. BRB gonna go kill myself. I am also planning an Austin Butler x OC series SO would the girlies prefer a reader insert or would an OC be good too? PLEASE let me know because I'm so stuck lol. I feel that it's hard to have an in-depth story with just an x-reader parameter. I would still use pronouns like you and your etc. but just the name would be decided already and I would be able to give more personality to the character BUT I would still keep it race and body neutral. idk tho. I hope you bitches enjoyed this poor excuse for smut lol I still have to get better at writing it.

[fantasticcloudcreation]

I'm just rambling, trying to kill time until bossman says I can leave lol

It's almost 8, I only have to be here for another 2-3 hours, I haven't had to do a single iota of work and I'm getting a full day's pay just for being here which is so silly but I think I can hold out. I'm in my hammock and it's fine. I've been smoking too many cigs and drinking too much water, I have to pee again but it's such a pain climbing out from under this silly stage so I'm trying to wait as long as possible. The pyro makes me jump every time it goes off.

I have a margarita waiting for me in the hotel fridge, I think we're out of weed but maybe I can scrounge up a bowl or something from the leftovers.

Yesterday was a really good skinny day, laying around the hotel naked with L feeling the best I've felt about my body in a long time despite eating way too much the past couple days.

Less than a week til we leave here, I'll miss hanging out with him but I'm so ready for this gig to be over. Not sure if I'm gonna go to the next one based on how this one has gone but it's also hard to turn down work, we'll see how it goes.

I'm just tired of existing. Bad moods don't last forever, stop clinging to it, just be here with L and enjoy his presence bc I know I'll miss him after this. Not really sure how this relationship is gonna unfold in the future but it's been nice being here with him. I feel bad for being in a bad mood so many days in a row but he's been really sweet about it.

Grateful that I can just lay in my hammock right now but frustrated and bored of this gig.

How to get over a bad mood? Gratitude normally helps. Grateful for this stupid job and all its ups and downs. I've barely done any work since I've been here and I'm gonna walk away with like $2+ at the end of it. 14,3 in the bank rn but I still have to pay my credit card. Grateful for L and his sweet presence and all our little moments together.

Bad feelings are creeping in: not good enough, not interesting or pleasant to be around, what's the point of me being here, no one would notice or care if I disappeared... Not good enough, not good at anything, not good enough to be working here, not good enough to have friends, not good enough to interact with people in general. Just a black hole of toxic energy.

How to overcome the bad feelings? Idk. I don't even feel like it right now, I feel like wallowing in my negative energy.

Realistically nothing matters and I just have to make it thru this gig. Go visit family after this, hug my parents. Maybe tomorrow will have a magically better mood. Maybe I'll just blow up my life again and start over. Maybe it never really gets better. Maybe it's really not that bad. Nothing fucking matters.

Maybe I'll go walk up and down the stairs at catering just to get some cardio or something. Maybe I'll do some calisthenics with the scaff under the stage. Maybe I'll just sit here and zone out for the next 2 hours.

Margaritas waiting for me at the hotel. L will sit outside with me all night and hold me if I ask him to. I was thinking I needed to sleep alone tonight but I just want to be held. I'm such a weak bitch. I feel like I'm not even good enough for him even though he's the sweetest most reassuring man I've ever met. I just feel like these bad moods get in the way of everything I want in life.

Peace love joy beauty freedom. Even though this hasn't been the best gig, the next one might be better. This gig sucked last year too and I thought about quitting the industry and here we are again! Maybe I'll skip this one next year and get a seasonal spot at a ski resort. (I said that last year.) No expectations, I'm just here, everything is fine. Load out will be quick and easy and I can get through it.

I'm literally just sitting here watching the minutes pass until I can get out of here. But you know what? People are having fun out there and I'm glad for them. The stage looks amazing even though I can't bring myself to stand out there and watch it lol.

This DJ is playing a remix of a song but someone earlier in the day also played a remix of this same song on this same stage and I think that's hilarious (unless it was this guys soundcheck that I heard earlier?idek)

Sorry for being such a whiny bitch rn. I'm calming down. I got real dark earlier and now I'm just surrendering to the feelings and it's less intense. I can just sit here and do nothing and get paid for it. This isn't my vibe here and I don't have to force myself to have fun if I don't want to. Going forward, I should seek out more opportunities that match my vibe + skills, but it's fine. One step at a time. The journey continues. This is just like, a swampy part of the trail, it's real muddy and mushy, but the trail will continue and there will be more pleasant scenic spots along the way. More mud, too, it's inevitable, it's all part of the journey, just try to enjoy the ride. I'm fine. I'm going to survive. I'm allowed to have bad moods. This gig is cursed and everyone is having their own reaction to it. Next year I'll skip it and I'll diversify my work opportunities so I can do something that actually feels fulfilling.

My phone is down to 46% and it's 8:40 so I'm gonna go pee and try to relax and it's all gonna be ok, we're almost done here, I can do it. No one cares if I'm in a bad mood just stop being so toxic about it. Relax and let people love you. L is gonna hug me so good later and I'm gonna let him. Everything is fine.

[fyodcrs]

KATIE!!! I'm sorry I'm late ajdlslfkdkf but I had to drop in and ask, HOW ARE YOU DOING AFTER FYODOR'S EPIC REVEAL?? CAN YOU BELIEVE HE GOT A COMEBACK IN THE MOST GLORIOUS WAY POSSIBLE?? From theorizing it to finally having it in the actual manga, it's been a long time journey hasn't it?! :'D

I went back to read our old posts and you were really close in some of the parts like his ability being to "punish" someone "he" thought committed a "sin" (basically killing him lol). Please let me hear all your thoughts!! I'm also so happy for you!! I'm really glad they didn't finish off his character with the awful mersault death plot 😭😭

@kunikiiida-kuuun KRIS THIS WAS LITERALLY ME READING THE CHAPTER:

I MEAN WHAT A FUCKING ENTRANCE:

I've been thinking about all my old theories, and maaaan, I would have never imagined something quite like this. It's true that we were right about Fyodor's Ability "punishing" someone who has committed a "crime," though I wouldn't have thought that "crime" or "sin" was literally killing Fyodor himself, lol. And I WAS right that he is immortal (kind of?)!! Or at least that he's been around for hundreds of years!! I also seem to be right that he doesn't age, though I guess we'll have to wait and see if it's explained why his appearance hasn't changed in centuries.

It still hasn't been explained how he's able to kill with a touch, however. This hasn't been explained:

There are definitely more secrets to be uncovered when it comes to Fyodor, so it remains to be seen if there's more to his Ability or if this will end up being an inconsistency.

I think the true nature of Fyodor's Ability is really interesting in terms of Dostoevsky's novels, too. "Possession" (though not in the literal sense) is a motif that occurs in a couple of his novels, most notably Demons, but also, to an extent, The Brothers Karamazov and Crime and Punishment. In Demons the "possession" is specifically "demonic possession" in the biblical sense, though again, it isn't literally in the biblical sense, just the overarching symbolism. I actually started to write a meta about this several chapters back, so maybe I'll finish it, haha.

I definitely did not imagine that Fyodor would take over Bram. Poor Bram :( But damn does he look good in Bram's clothes and wielding the holy sword and Fukuchi's time bullshit sword 🥵

Also poor Genichirou :(

This doesn't really fix the issues with the Meursault arc, but if Fyodor really sent himself to prison in order to trick Dazai into sending himself to prison, too, that does actually explain the bizarre decision to get himself arrested in the first place, which was one of my biggest gripes. There are still plenty of other problems, but whatever, I guess sdfghjhfghjk.

I was becoming less invested in the series since the Infamous Helicopter Crash and the Dazai Friendship Speech of Doom, but I'm finally excited again!!! I'm really curious to see where this is gonna go. I know Fyodor is going to be defeated somehow, but I hope he causes all sorts of chaos first, he deserves to ଘ(੭ˊᵕˋ)੭* ੈ✩‧˚ ♡♡

Also Fyodor and Ranpo interaction maybe??? It better happen or I'm gonna be like (╮°-°)╮┳━━┳ ( ╯°□°)╯ ┻━━┻

asdfgdfgh Kris, I can't believe we've gotten this far, it's been years and we're finally getting answers. I'm so happy omggg. But I swear BSD just keeps getting wilder and wilder lmao

*hugs* 🤗🤗💖💖

[fatuismooches]

SMOOOCHES!!! Hiii darling! ૮꒰˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶ ꒱ა

This isn’t a story but really just me coming on here to talk so I hope you don’t mind! I’m sorry if it’s ever a bother or disturbs you! But I finally finished with all my exploration~! Well, I actually finished on the 10th of July (aka this month) BUT I felt a little shame to just come on here and say that I had finished I was too embarrassed;; but how has everything been? I hope you’re staying fresh in this blazing summer (it’s literally like 115° every single day here it’s unbearable for me and my dog) and also making the most out of it! I’m dreading going back to school in less than a month I’m not ready!!! (Leaks mentioned: ALSO HAVE YOU HEARD OF A SUPPOSED NEW DOTTORE SOUNDTRACK? It sounds so good AND IT MAY BE A CUTSCENE kinda like Kazuha’s friend or Makoto’s in the Archon Quests! I’m really hoping we get more lore on our boo boo Dottore he’s just so interesting!!) I also just recently read a VERY lengthy character analysis on him and oh mygskkd. It really helped me get to understand Dottore as a character and how it disapproves of many misconceptions of himself. (Like being a sadist for ex.) if you ever want the link I can send it since it was on tt. And the day I’m writing this it’s Childe’s birthday, which ironically enough my mom also shared a birthday with him LMAO. (She’s only aware of this bc of how much I dawn over the chars 😭) and to answer your question from one of the recent brainrots I had made “who are you saving up for” I’m actually saving up for Zhongli cons! He’s at C0 rn but in hoping to at least get C2 or C3, but I also won’t be spending my almost 400 wishes on him since I really want a lot of the Fontaine characters, and I’m still hoping for Dottore to become playable soon 😭 (this is me trying to cope) but I hope you have a wonderful day and week!! But before I end this off, can we agree the Dottore pictured in Nahida’s cute story with Wanderer IS ADORABLE?? Like i sometimes just wanna write about the little creature because it’s so cute. Is he ugly? A little but he’s ugly in the cute way!!! I swear I would just want to hug him to sleep. (Many ideas with fragile reader come to mind now LMAO) but anyways !!! I give you so many chu chus n cuddles n a lot of love!! Make sure you’re staying healthy and drinking water in this scorching heat. I give u so many kisses your heart explodes!!! ><

- from your boo boo bear 🎐 anon!! ૮ ྀི◞͈ ˔ ◟͈ ྀིა

🎐 ANON!!! I MISSED YOU AHHH!!!!

It's more than okay i love talking to you!!! And OMF I'M SO PROUD OF YOU!! I know it was such a grind and probably a bit exhausting at times but I'm so proud of you 😌💖 Giving you lots of kithes and hugs!! Mwahhhh!!

115 DEGREES??? HOLY- I thought it was hot where I live 😭 I'm barely surviving like every other summer but omg I'm so sorry 😭 And you have a dog?? How cute! What type of dog do you have, if i may ask?🥰 Though i have been unproductive all summer unfortunately, the heat makes me not want to do anything haha

AND YESSSS IVE SEEN THE LEAKED OST MY EYES POPPED OPEN AT THE POSSIBLE DOTTORE APPEARANCE 👁 IM SO EXCITED I WANT HIM IN FONTAINE BADLY!! Also i think I've read the same character analysis on tiktok like you, was it called "Sadist or Scientist" and had many many slides? With the character and design analysis? If yes i too read it and it was so good! I love seeing analysis on him especially since there are not much crumbs on him. Oh and happy belated birthday to your mom! I hope you had fun with her!💖

Omg almost 400 wishes??? I havent had that much since the time I've saved for Wanderer 👏 I really hope you get lots of cons for him! I also love Zhongli sm but that man has avoided me on all three banners. First banner i didn't have enough primos and missed him, second banner i lost to Qiqi, third banner i lost to Jean lol. I forgot he is coming so i will try to get him again for the fourth time 🤣 Manifesting hard for you 💖🙏 (Dw I'm also coping on playable Dot😭😭)

AND YESSS OMG I LOVE THE LIL STRANGE DOT CREATURE SO MUCH. I need someone to make a good quality plushie of that creature so i can cuddle it 🥺 HYV was probably intending to make the creature look unsettling, but nah, i wholly think it's adorable. I would hold its little hand. (Always ready to listen to your fragile reader ideas tho 😌🤞)

Hehe I'm giving you lots of more cuddles and kisses!! 🫂 I hope you're staying hydrated as well!! We shall get through this heat together 💪 Smooch smooch !! <33

[one-abuse-survivor]

Hi! Dissociation anon here, with a lil positive update after quite the few months:D How have you been? I hope you are doing well:>

So, I officially spend like 90% of my time 3,5 hours away from my abusers and their dysfunction while I get that education!! Med school is all nine circles of hell, btw, but in the times in which I am not sleep deprived beyond belief after having to prepare for three big tests and write five projects in three days, I am enjoying myself quite a bit! Also formaldehyde stinks like a bitch and cadavers look much grayer than you might think, but that's besides the point.

Honestly the first few months after leaving were HARD, but then again, I am the idiot who decided to unpack their own trauma without a professional therapist and with a tiny support system as soon as I could. Though to be honest, as grueling as the trauma work was, it definitely was worth it, as now, seven months in, I have much less prominent issues and am generally a thousand percent mentally healthier than I used to be. Still dissociate occasionally, though, because I guess some things never change lmao

But I've made quite a few new friends in med school and honestly that helps a lot to deal with any bad days that come with traumatic memories resurfacing, so that's neat!)

Bad thing is - the drama in the dysfunctional family system has gotten a lot worse since I left. Good thing - due to my physical absence I don't need to deal with it:D It's because of the economic crisis the country is in, you know, but I needn't worry!! There is never enough doctors, so even the newbies get snatched as early as possible (I kid you not, I literally had a "You wanna work for us when you finish med school?" Offer when I went to a clinic for a routine check up two weeks ago, and I have five more years of studying left) So, despite the general nation-wide spread of gloom, personally I'm feeling pretty good about the future, and that's definitely a first!

So like, let this be testament to anyone out there struggling to the fact that getting out of an abusive situation is completely possible, and life, in fact, can get better! So like, good luck to all of the other anons and good luck to you, as well!:D

Hi again!!!! It's so nice to hear from you, and I'm so so happy things are going well in med school! I have an irl friend who's also studying medicine in uni, so I have some idea of how nightmarish that can be 😅 I'm really glad you're enjoying yourself in between all of it despite the stress!

I can't even begin to imagine how awful it must be to unpack your trauma without professional support! The first months after I left my mother were also horrible even with help, but luckily everything started changing for the better soon afterwards. I'm so glad you're doing so much better now, and I hope things keep changing for the better for you! It's so so great to hear you've made friends and don't have to deal with your family drama anymore and the future is looking good 😊

I second this message: life can absolutely be better after abuse, even if you can't bring yourself to believe or envision that right now.

Also, thanks for asking! I'm doing well, just now recovering from Covid and trying to get back on my feet, but other than that things are looking better for me too ❤️ sending a big virtual hug!

[autobot-ratchet]

earthspark season three episode seven+eight!

alright, so Izzy's a quintesson, the quintessons want to get rid of the Maltos, the dome's still up, our titan friend is still frozen and Starscream's still trapped inside her, the decepticons fucked off in Prowl's ship, and we've got a key that restores sparks. let's see where all that gets us

oh so we ARE gonna use the key to restore our titan friend, nice

oh that's less nice

eyyy Cosmos is back, I saw his big ass in that crowd shot, nice to see you buddy

"tell us, why should we trust you?" talk your shit Elita lmAO truly this judge could not be more obviously lying, possibly the least slick individual

are the quintessons about to just fuckin kill the titan and Starscream with her

oh no they're gonna free them, understood

ghdfjskla Megatron and Cosmos are cute

gfdsjk I'm so glad Cosmos is here, offset all this tension, hon

for real like I get you're sad about Izzy but maybe don't carry a pocketful of dead fish about it, just stick with the photos lmAO

wait we're reviving Spitfire and Aftermath??? I fully thought their asses were gone forever lmAO honestly I'm down for that, y'all already know I always felt weird about how they were handled, let's give them one more chance

fgdsjkdfsajk Starscream was just up here having a tea party with the corpses of the children he murdered..... bro is not okay

straight up Starscream doing his sniveling thing gave me vivid flashbacks to tfp lmAO especially since he's got the same voice, wow

go kids go, fuck these fish up

oh shit she's got the gatling, NICE

FUCK EM UP MO

or not lmAO

oh shit that's the executioner we met before, I was wondering why he kept calling out Mo specifically, it's cause she ripped his arm off lmAO

oh shit bye Prowl

hang in there Cosmos

eyyyyy it worked, the chaos terrans are back

it's straight up wild to see Prowl hugging Megatron lmAO

"why should we believe anything you say?" "how about because we just brought you back to life????" LITERALLY LMAO LIKE NOT ONLY COULD WE HAVE VERY EASILY LEFT YOU DEAD, WE ALSO PUT A LOT OF EFFORT INTO BRINGING YOU BACK, PROWL ALMOST DIED, BE FUCKING NICE TO US

gdfjsk the executioners love metal, hell yeah 🤘

oH SHIT WHAT DID THE JUDGE JUST HIT THAT GUY WITH??? that looked like unspace, but we haven't even hinted at the concept of that in this show yet

oh fuck is Twitch dying

oughjdf something about Wheeljack and Megatron being the ones to carry Twitch away..... those are her guys........

gfdjks the chaos terrans are having a great time, they get to fuck shit up as much as they want

YEAAHHH REVIVE THE TITAN

oh??? oh shit the licks???? *air guitars wildly*

gfdsjkl she just shoots them out her nose

DAAAAAMMMMMNNNN, SHE WIPED THEM OUT

hell yeah, this rules, GET THEIR ASSES

yesssss I've been waiting for different sync combinations let's go

"Well, if you like me so much, why don't you try and date me?" HAH fucken get em

oH SHIT HE BLOCKED IT

hell yeah, I was kinda hoping to more of a weird fusion like with Aftermath and Jawbreaker but cool holo-armor works too

OOOHHHH SHIT GET SLICED IDIOT

hjdsgkfal "SEE YA AROUND DORKS"

eeeyyy and Twitch is back

so the decepticons just fully dipped, I was thinking we might get a glimpse of cybertron during the final fight but alas. also rip Starscream enjoyers, I was waiting for him to pull something but he was just not at all relevant this whole season and then fully made into a joke at the last second and then the show ended, damn

ALRIGHT so final thoughts. Season one is still the best lmAO but I don't think two and three are nearly as bad as I've seen people say. They were definitely rushed and the themes season one took the time to set up absolutely got tossed aside for the sake of more jokes and action scenes, but I still had fun watching it and nothing made me so upset I couldn't keep watching. I never even felt like I had to trudge through the show just to finish it, I straight up had fun the whole time

Maybe it's just because I'm an artist and a writer so I know how hard it is to A. do that shit at all and B. do that shit on a deadline for a boss that doesn't understand/respect what you do, but I always find it hard to judge the writers of a show, especially an animated show, for its plot's shortcomings (unless they're like really public about it and it's clear whose fault it is lmAO).

I have absolutely no proof of this whatsoever, this is fully a hunch but. I'm willing to bet what happened between seasons one and two is the writing team got reprimanded for putting "too much woke shit" in the show. Like, I paid attention and in seasons two and three, there were no mentions of Nightshade's gender or use of their pronouns, no mention of Dorothy's prosthetic leg even casually, no little bits of black culture like Robby and Mo's bonnets they wear to bed, a lot less of Alex's culture too, and of course, most obviously, no more delving into the themes of discrimination, both with autobots/decepticons and humans/mechs. and I'm gonna be real, I am much more willing to blame some nickelodeon or hasbro executive being too scared/unwilling to put "the woke" in the cartoon for children than I am to blame the writers for "suddenly becoming bad," I absolutely think they were forced to dumb things down and that's why seasons two and three are so much shorter, so much more rushed, and a lot more "generic kid's action show"

also the fact that I watched this after it was all released instead of while it was coming out might have softened the blow for me. That and having seen people talk about the show getting bad and therefore lowkey being prepared for the possibility lmAO I'm actually surprised people weren't making shit up, my experience with mtmte as it was coming out and people actually very much making shit up and getting incredibly aggressive about it has colored my perception of this and all fandoms and now I just assume y'all are wrong by default lmfAO but fiiiiiiiine y'all had a point this time I guess. I will stand by my statement that I don't think the show ever got worse though, I just think it never got any better, which does sting quite a bit because it would've been so easy for it to get better, it was on the right track and clearly had a plan, it just got derailed and I fully believe it was because of corporate meddling.

all in all though, I liked the show. I do mourn for its potential but I'm grateful for what we did get and I don't think it's fair to trash all that just because it wasn't as good as it could've been.

I was a little afraid that some of our main kid characters would get on my nerves but nah, I'm cool with all of them, and I even genuinely love Nightshade. As a non-binary bitch myself, I don't get a lot of characters in my media that use the same pronouns as me so when one shows up and I like them but I just don't click with them it always feels bad lmAO like that one was was made specifically for me and they simply did not hit... but Nightshade hit, I'm so fond of them.

also confession time, Nightshade might hit a little harder for me personally bc when I was a kid, I was big into the sonic the hedgehog fandom and had a hedgehog-sona named Nightshayde and let me fucking tell you, I have had to physically stop myself from typing the y EVERY single time lmfAO truly Nightshade hits me at my core

[castle-dominion]

s7 3xk audio

michael mosley rob bowman andrew marlowe nathan fillion

He has done s3, 5, 6, & 7 episodes, in fact s7 had two.

Go as deep as possible as fast as possible without lingering anywhere.

How far will a person go for someone they love?

Mosler has done it before too! & he brings it up again lol. "Even your charming innocence is creepy"

It's great for caste to throw ppl around & get thrown around.

"unless it's michael molsley, we don't care about him"

Joques Goudreau lol

People come up to him on the street & say he's creepy XD "I've found something I'm good at"

Cars pulling up does not feel like a metaphor for me but ok.

It SHOULD feel like what castle is going through. Willingness to go to the other side this patience & impatience, the darkness, also frustration.

The two month thing

3xk made this VERY personal

How do you expose a character who is not present? 3xk's manipulation.

NF: always exciting to kill off a powerful, popular character.

"he really was mike boudreau" "when the zombie apocalypse comes Tyson will be the first to rise"

the cars have gotten better on set apparently

Do they not call it a toque anywhere else...?

RB: my credit right over castle's butt

RB: what was it like to handle this (fight) scene? MM: There's a bruise

Hm, this moment was not? scripted?

How much mike & how much 3xk?

It's all backwards

Gates & Castle <3 she is resetting him, use your head.

Tracking shot of fillion & everyone following along... wow this IS bowman magic...

Everyone: right HERE!

One shot there going in & finding his girls.

colour correction

They never solve the homicide of who THIS girl is

Getting caught watching

Ah the blood was digitally added in! It is not beckett but he killed someone else half to torture him (the other half just for fun)

The slow quiet is greattttt.

we cannot see anything except from her eyes

relatively irrelevant XD

Build it & recontextualize.

Yay welcome back gen kill reunion ig!

Writing this scene was fun but seeing it come together is better

rob duncan <3

I like how they can all laugh at this Ah less lighting bc we are not seeing as much of the castle we know anymore

Yay Roe & Daryn "we only did what you would have done" "if he's listening" "how likely is it that these guys watch the commentaries?"

Yeah they shoot all the stuff "here" first & "there" all at once, so it WOULD be hard, at least for me

RB: I used to speak three paragraphs to nathan & he'd sum it up with "so faster?"

topanga canyon

the anxiety is not just camera work but also the audio "the director was anxious so the camera was anxious"

the no-dialogue scenes, such a Thing you know?

Villainy really can be overplayed but you can avoid twirling the moustache & petting the cat.

it LOOKS like bubble wrap so I am not shocked

THIS IS ALL TAKE ONE? you did it all one take, two cameras?

This room is so weird tho bc how did they get that light through the bottom of the door?

Watching it a second time "she's not here" he said out loud

WAIT PAUL SCOTT LET HIMSELF GET SHOT WITH A TAZER?

Yeah of COURSE she is not going to literally remove her face lol

I love a good monologue. Honest for this non-sane character w/o cliche

He always thinks he is in control bad guy mea culpa lol reason & thinking

Yeah it was a little bit... too much. Tilting the scene to castle

This is the journey gates sent castle on

"I'm dead I might as well tell him what I think of him" or power to him lol

Ew ew ew all the way in I hate it

No no this draining life force thing was gooood except dang what if he DID manage to shoot castle? I think that it could have been something interesting for sure. like the fic I read with the burning building

Esposito & Ryan!

the music IS GOOD but I don't much like it you don't see who killed whom castle bought her the time to rescue herself, they needed each other

that is not a lot of time, like 6 months working full-time. that is a hell of a long time I take it back

Everyone is group hugging & it is intimate & touching but then apparently huertas kept ruining it.

"oh yeah I shot you then too"

Too bad we didn't have more moke mosley commentary.

Rly fun! "letting me play in your sandbox" oh it was his first audio commentary! Good for him!

[room303-cherrylane]

2023(33) WRAPPED! :]

hi, it's been a while. here's an attempt at writing my 2023 wrapped! it's been a crazy year. i've felt like burying myself six feet underground, as well as soaring like a fireball in the sky. here's what went down:

🍒 physical

weight training wasn't a focus this year. i lifted whenever i wanted to. wasn't super hard on myself on the weeks or even months i went without lifting a dumbbell. i understood that my depressive episodes even made it hard for me to simply wake up. on the days that felt really bad, i'd take myself out on afternoon walks around the village. i was really thankful i enrolled for expressive dance and walking for fitness this year though! :) when i had my f2f classes for expressive dance, i got to walk around upd and move under the late morning sun. when i moved into my dorm in september, i'd also walk a lot! actually i walk SO MUCH now! 2km is easy-peasy. i'd walk whenever i could. i didn't think i could walk 100m per minute, but i do now. i think my ass got bigger? LOL. still feel conscious abt my subtle weight gain and being less toned, but we love the tummy at the end of the day :3

🍒 mental and emotional

like a can of worms if you ask me. jesus christ. i went thru ALLAT this year. went back to therapy again because of the family problem. i'd see my therapist bi-weekly and we went from february to august. i took in my sessions waaay better than i did last year, though. every unearthing i had felt less world-shattering. i think it's because i got to ease myself into this process already, as compared to 2022 when the sessions went by more quickly and unpacking felt entirely new. keeping strong was definitely a challenge. i think i did go through some extremes, i wish i had dealt with those moments with more grace. i learned now. i'm more in tune with myself. dorming also helped me realize that. i remember my triggers and patterns, know what my behaviors and bodily reactions indicated whenever a particular one floats up the surface. i talk to myself more. whenever i also felt something in myself that i didn't like, i'd take the time to ask myself why i feel that way, why it upsets me. i left myself hanging a lot, in a good way. i stopped digging in too much to find answers. i wait for them to appear instead. for now, my best takeaway is: when i hate myself, i go to my friends. when i feel like the world hates me, i nap it off. when i hate everything, i go for a walk. ending the year with more grace. more grace. more warmth. more thought.

🍒 family

straight out of MMK. i kid you not. i dont know how all of THAT really happened. a literal rollercoaster. lots of unraveling, grieving what i thought always was but was actually not or was something different. so many tears. a lot of anger, anxiety, tension. at some point, i had been racking up my mind on how i would be able to move myself out the house as soon as possible. it felt unsalvageable. but 6 months after what went down, i do feel like i was also naive into thinking it could have been that simple. it was difficult. i'd also like to give myself a hug. i don't want to fault myself into making my family enemies. i don't want to forget the realizations i also had. but at present, i'm thankful we have made it through right now on a more pleasant note. a part of me is convinced that dorming, the distance, and the damned cat made some difference. i think i understand my mother and sister a little bit better also. i hope it gets better from here.

🍒 friends

always THE BEST. thank you guys for being here--is what i always think about. my anchor and my rock. my friends really modeled to me what healthy relationships should be. this year, i learned to be more nurturing and soft. all the hardness i had accumulated through my 22 years of living had thawed out. i found my way back to the warmth i innately had in my childhood with the help of my friends. there were also those i eventually distanced myself from because being with them just made it feel so muddy. it's okay, i learned how to check in with myself on that now too. what standards i had for those i want to keep close. i fear closeness less now. i've been less shy to say to my friends how they really mean to me. i made new precious buddies! i'm applying at a music org :] i found super cool people to be with. i love their presence. i always visit my friends at fa. i'd message and check-in with long-distance friends. so vibrant. i'm full with your love and care and thought. each year i'm excited to take all of you with me to the next!

🍒 romantic

still bleak haha. i went back to bumble at some point and thought i found the guy. i think i got ahead of ourselves. ah well, i tried. he was alright, that fellow. quite awkward, but it was a learning experience, to know when to tap out because i was pushing something that wasn't real. in other news, every person i found likeable would have a significant other already. gotdamn???? or just liked men. aha. well. i do think about my friends' approach to this: "so what?" and right... So What? if i adore you anyway, then i adore you. so i'm at that :) i adore someone. a friend right now. i've been shoving it under the rug since september because i thought it was just me hyperfixating and projecting onto a person again, but right now it's all swimmingly well? i like our growing friendship a lot and at the core, i just want to know him more. i think he is a thoughtful and cool person. i do have to stop projecting though really. i want to know the real him so, self, let's stop ourselves, okay? just don't think. and drop everything when he's around. take the real him in. not the specter. take the real him in. the thoughtful cool person who i assume has a soft spot for eating kimchi :)

🍒 passions

my best year in art so far. a lot of "i didn't know i had that in me" moments. i let myself be the most free, and i soared. did 9 art market events and met so many beautiful strangers. i loved meeting people so much. produced my artworks physically. it's still insane to have my works out in the world like that. i re-opened my shop on my birthday. i packed and shipped out so many orders. i printed on tote bags. silver stickers. temporary tattoos led me to my current illustration style. I DIDN'T THINK I'D ACTUALLY GET INTO ILLUSTRATING? THE FUCK? getting to produce my works into merch helped me understand the sustainability, the life of my works. i appreciate their existence more deeply now. whenever i put new stuff out, i want it to linger for as long as it can. it deserves this lifetime. the whole world has yet to know all of you exist. i don't always need to have anything new or even anything grand.

got back into music :(<3 the first love of my life. joining upmc really awoke a dormant passion in me. it's been asleep for a while. god. got to be a part of 2 bands, did band rehearsals each week, did vocal arrangements, rocked out on stage, i sweated under the vibrant stagelights they got into my eyes and i could only wink while still feeling electric. love my talented bandmates they're all so cool. love you natra and paramarami! currently writing an original song with a bandmate. my singing got 10x better idk it's like it just went full on steroids it's crazy, i never thought i'd sound this good in this lifetime. i love performing. no more stage fright. i was just aflame. more gigs next year! OK!

🍒 general

kickass year. 10/10 actually. i lived all the lives i've always wanted to. holy shit. thank you. thank you. thank you.

i'll update w any additional details in 2024 if something comes up :) haha. so clutch, i'm writing this on dec 31 at 4:12am. i really wanted to get this done. AAAA!

[raayllum]

I've seen this take a few times across multiple platforms and... while I do think there are differences, of course, between their S3 and S5 dynamics, I don't know if I entirely agree that these are the differences (or that S3 is less mature, at least per that comparison) because they do look out for each other in S3

and they defend one another!

Season three is cute and their speeches are swoon worthy, but with the exception of Because She's Rayla, none of the speeches are taking place during particularly happy moments. One is Rayla vouching for Callum's life in a literal trolley problem; the other is Callum walking Rayla out of a self-hate spiral after losing literally every other person she loves/cares about, including her home.

And they're no less cute and sappy in S5 - he recites love poetry to her, they both gush about the inn (and Callum's gentle teasing), she lovingly touches his face and hugs him, they're exchanging soft looks like every other episode.

In season three, it was about establishing why their friendship bond would make and continue on into a romantic bond, one layer stacked upon another. It was "even if we don't together" (which is what the 3x04-3x05 kiss mixup is for "you're still my best friend and I love you" but of course tinged with hopes it would work out, joy when it does, and an ultimately happy ending. Even the fallout of the secret of Harrow's death and their fight at the Pinnacle are things they're able to push forward through.

That's important to keep in mind, because Rayla leaving Callum to keep him safe and leaving him unable to protect her is something that he was angrier at her for (after knowing her for much longer than he did in S2) than keeping the secret of his father's literal death when he had known her for a week and a half. Because Rayla leaving, and her self sacrificial tendencies and how incongruent that is with a meaningful longterm relationship, is quite literally the worst possible thing either could've done to one another. If they were gonna have a point of no return, it was that - it was going to be precisely that, of Callum being heartbroken and fed up and Rayla being either too unrepentant or learning her lesson too late / not weathering his storm of emotions.

S5 is proving that they can come back from it, and that the lines of what they are have been blurred that they're not "friends and lovers" but "friends and lovers but also not lovers but always friends and family". It's proof that after a massive shift and time apart, they are still each other's Person, and they always will be - because the foundation they built in season three is strong enough it can withstand that kind of upheaval and loss, and only be strengthened accordingly.

I think what makes s5 rayllum so special is the fact that yes, they're in love, but we saw that much in s3-- the difference is, s3 was them saying "I think you're amazing, I love you" and being all cute and sappy while s5 is them saying "I trust you, I will always care about you, and I will protect you with my life." Having someone express that they love and appreciate you is great but having someone be willing to always look out for you and defend you at any cost is so much more impactful.