#like they could have given it to anybody just give it to someone who fuckin gets it

[lith-myathar]

.

[danieyells]

@mayoigotokurousagi TIME FOR OUR FAVORITE FRANKENSTEIN'S MONSTER INSPIRED MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL. I mean. Maybe there's another you're into. Idk. I like Jiro. He's so. . .blunt. I'm so curious about him, I really really cannot wait until we get the Mortkranken chapter.

also, uh, brief content warning for a mention of assisted suicide? It's under the 'Default' lines, if you feel the need to avoid that.

Hello: (the first time the game is opened after that character is set as home screen NPC. Only happens once per day, unless the character is switched out and back.)

"Oh, there you are. I was about to go give you a health check. This saves time and effort." ああ、そこにいたんですか。今からあなたの健診に行こうと思ってたんです。手間が省けました

You've Got Mail: (whenever there's something in the inbox, usually Arena rewards)

"Are those letters piling up over there? It's interesting that doesn't bother you.  Not that my opinion is relevant." そこに溜まってるのは手紙ですか？よく気になりませんね。 まあ、俺には関係ありませんけど

Default: (requires no affinity, has no time constraints)

"I don't like unproductive discussions. Like this one." 非生産的な議論は嫌いですね。例えば、今のような会話です

"They said they wanted to die, so I prescribed them what they needed. I don't see the point of discussing ethics after the fact." あちらさんが死にたいと言うので、必要な薬を処方したまでです。今更倫理を持ち出されても、困りますよ

Hey. Buddy. Jiro. That's fuckin' dark dude. This is why you don't joke about wanting to kill yourself. Someone will take it seriously. Jiro will just hand you cyanide pills, a bottle of water, and direct you to a hospital bed to die in. Like jesus christ.

"I save lives that can be saved. It's part of my job to decide the order of priority though." 救える命は救いますよ。まあ、そこに優先順位をつけるのがこちらの仕事なので

"part of my job is to decide if your life is worth saving" IS ALSO A VERY DARK THING TO SAY. I love that his default lines are all very dark and callous. It kind of drives home a dichotomy between how he feels about just anybody and how he feels about you. I also like that he's just. . .kind of dark and gloomy and like ASPECTS OF HIM ARE VERY UNPALATABLE. Like I'm sure there are a lot of people who see those lines and think "that's gross why would anyone like him he's the worst" and THAT'S A GOOD KIND OF CHARACTER TO HAVE ESPECIALLY AS A LOVE INTEREST okay moving on

"One of our patients is thrashing around again? That's inconvenient. I'll administer a shot." また患者が暴れてるんですか？ はあ……面倒くさいですね。１本打っておきますよ

jiro stabbing you with a sedative filled needle like 'stop moving. you are annoying.'

"You should—  Hurk... Hm, I let my guard down. I better go back to Mo— Orgh... Hurk...!" あなた、そろそろ…… うっ……まずいな、完全に油断してました。早く帰っえ、うっ……おえっ……

Affinity 1: (between 5am and 11am)

"Good morning. I'm going to take your pulse, so could you sit down?" おはようございます。脈拍測るんで、座ってもらえます？

Affinity 2: (between 11am and 4pm)

"I was in a prolonged coma, so I haven't fully recovered yet. It's been a long time since I ate anything." 俺、長いこと昏睡状態だったんで、まだ本調子じゃないんですよ。飯なんて、しばらく食ってませんし

i wonder when he woke up. it must have been a few months ago at most.

Affinity 3: (between 4pm and 8pm)

"What do you want? I'm conducting an incubation experiment. Please wait till I'm finished." なんですか？　今、培養実験中なので。話なら後にしてください

Affinity 4: (between 8pm and 5am)

"I'm about to receive my medication. It should take approximately one hour. Are you going to wait for me?" ああ、今か���投薬の時間なんです。多分１時間くらいかかると思いますけど、待ちますか？

Affinity 5: (between 8pm and 5am)

"I attend classes every day since Yuri does, but sometimes they mark me as absent. I'm supposed to reply when they say my name? I didn't know that." 佑理に付き合って毎日授業に出てるんですけど、時々欠席扱いになってて。 返事が必要？　知らなかったな

"yeah you're supposed to let them know you're there." "i am one of the largest people in the room at any given time. that seems unnecessary." also it's cute that he only goes to class because Yuri does, but also he doesn't learn anything from it since he studied it all independently lol

Affinity 6: (between 4pm and 8pm)

"The blood? I believe one of the wounds on my stomach tore. I'll have to get Yuri to suture it." ああ、この血ですか？　さっきから腹の傷が開いてるみたいなんです。佑理に縫ってもらわないとな

Affinity 7: (between 11am and 4pm)

"What's the purpose of educational facilities like this? You can learn everything you need through self-study." こういった教育施設って、なんのためにあるんでしょうね？　勉強なら自分ですればいいだけですし

Affinity 8: (between 4pm and 8pm)

"Who is that noisy blond person? He runs away whenever he sees me. That's rude, isn't it?" 時々見かける、うるさい黄色の人は何者なんです？　 俺の顔を見るといつも逃げるんです。失礼ですよね？

i love the 'isn't it?' like he doesn't know normal social convention but he's pretty sure you're not supposed to run from people like that.

Affinity 9: (between 8pm and 5am)

"You don't have to mind me. Go ahead and eat. Even in childhood I never really had an attachment to food, clothing, or shelter." 俺のことは気にせず、飯食ってください。元々、ガキの頃から衣食住にあまり執着がないので

hey jiro that's uh that's kinda fucking depressing you good?

Affinity 10: (between 10pm and midnight)

"Yuri's holed up in the lab, so I'm going out. If he comes looking for me, tell him I went to bed." 佑理が研究室に籠ってるので、今のうちに出かけてきます。もし俺を探してたら、寝たと言ってください

Wouldn't Yuri just check your bed and not find you there though??? Also when will you sleep???? like i know he doesn't realize a week of allnighters isn't normal but jfc

Affinity 11: (between 5am and 11am)

"Your face looks terrible. Come over here and inhale this. They're mild smelling salts. They'll wake you up." あなた、ひどい顔ですね。ちょっとこっち来て、これ嗅���でください。 軽い気付け薬です。目が覚めますよ

Affinity 12: (between 11am and 4pm)

"Hello. I'm here to pick up Yuri.  Hm, that's strange. I thought he would be here." こんにちは。佑理を迎えに来ました。 ……あれ？ここにいると思ったんですけど

. . .i wonder why he thought yuri would be with you? how often does he lose track of where yuri is? and why pick him up wouldn't yuri be able to get home himself? unless he figures yuri fell asleep somewhere lmao

Affinity 13: (between 4pm and 8pm)

"I can just manage to ingest water, so I brew herbal tea as an indulgence. Would you like some too?" 辛うじて水分なら取れるので、嗜好品としてハーブティーを淹れるんですよ。あなたも飲みます？

Affinity 14: (between 5am and 11am)

"Yuri wouldn't get up, so I was about to give up on getting my morning medication. He got up after the ninth time he used the snooze button though." 佑理がなかなか起きないので、朝は投薬を諦めようかと思いましたよ。９回目のスヌーズで起きましたけど

Yuri and Jiro, like Rui and Haru, need healthy sleep schedules please.

Affinity 15: (between 5am and 11am)

"What's this? A rice ball? I suppose I might be able to eat some of it." なんですか？　これ。 おにぎり？　まあ、少しくらいなら食べれるかもしれませんが……

can't you only eat fluids. . .are you gonna throw that up later. . . .

Affinity 16: (between 11am and 4pm)

"You already had tea at Frostheim? The tea I make tastes better though, so please drink it anyway." フロストハイムで紅茶を飲んできたんですか？　 まあ、俺の方が美味く淹れられますから、飲んでください

lmao the mortkranken boys really do not appear to have a great opinion of frostheimers!!! "you had tea at--pfffff nah their tea sucks ass drink mine instead."

Affinity 17: (between 10pm and midnight)

"I enjoy being alone. The noise doesn't really bother me when I'm reading though. Can I go now?" ひとりの時間は好きですよ。まあ、本を読んでいる時は、周囲の喧噪も気になりません。もういいですか？

Affinity 18: (between 8pm and 5am)

"What am I doing? I'm making confections. I'm used to making precise measurements when preparing medications, and it's quite similar to that." 今ですか？　製菓をしてるんです。 計量は薬の調合で慣れてるので、まあ、似たようなものです

jiro makes cupcakes and candies and stuff. . .he can't even enjoy them though. . . . .

Affinity 19: (between 10pm and midnight)

"See you tomorrow. ...What? You're the one who told me I should say that while smiling." また明日。 ……なんですか？こう言って笑えばいいと、あなたが言ってたんじゃないですか

i love lines where it's like 'you told me to do this so now i'm doing it.' especially when the pc is shocked when they actually do it lolol

Affinity 20: (between 5am and 11am)

"We're doing a complete check up today, so please change into these. ... Do you need me to help you undress?" 今日は精密検査なので、この検査着に着替えてください。 ………… 脱げないなら、脱がしましょうか？

strip faster bitch

Affinity 21: (between 11am and 4pm)

"You want to know why I started studying anomalous infectious diseases? I don't know. I just became knowledgeable about them at some point and kept going." なぜ怪異伝染病の研究を始めたか？さあ、気がついたら詳しくなってたので。何となく続けてるだけです

Affinity 22: (between 4pm and 8pm)

"My wounds often tear so I've told Yuri deep dermal suturing would be more effective than simple interrupted, but he won't listen to me." よく傷口が開くんで、結節縫合ではなく真皮縫合の方がいいと言ってるのに、佑理が聞かないんですよね

I get the feeling Yuri doesn't listen to most people. . . .

Affinity 23: (between 8pm and 5am)

"Yuri's combat skills are poor, so I have to protect him. If he dies, there won't be anyone left who can treat me." 佑理は戦闘が下手なので、俺が守るしかないんです。あの人が死ぬと、俺を治せる人がいなくなるんですよ

"if he dies i die so i'm just kinda protecting him because i have to." kind of an oof lmao

Affinity 24: (between 10pm and midnight)

"It's been a long time since I had a family, so I don't know what you're supposed to do in these situations. Could you teach me?" 俺には長いこと家族がいないので、こういう時、どうすればいいかわからないんです。教えてくれません？

GET FAM-ZONED HAHA aaaaAAAAAA HE SEES YOU AS FAMILY AND HE WANTS TO TREAT YOU THE WAY HE'S SUPPOSED TO TREAT FAMILY. . . . . . ;0; just be yourself jiro we love you as you are, dark and morbid and a little distant but actually quite sweet--

Affinity 25(max): (no time constraints)

"There's a high probability that your curse is related to my field of research. It's a problem for me if you die." あなたの呪いは、俺の研究分野に関係している可能性が高い。 あなたを死なせるわけにはいかないんですよ

the bluntness and distance in this one is so perfect for Jiro haha ESPECIALLY AFTER THE "I WANT TO TREAT YOU LIKE FAMILY" ONE BEFORE IT. . .he went from being kind of sweet to being like "if you die it'll be a problem." and not even in a tsundere way just 'it matters to me if you die for academic purposes.

Spring: (March-May) (between 5am and 11am)

"I'm going to see some flowers on Yuri's orders. Do you want to come? I'll be harvesting mandrakes." 今から佑理の指示で花を見に行くんです。あなたも一緒に行きますか？ マンドラゴラの採取ですが

"Yuri told me to take a break so I'm gonna go work near some flowers i guess."

(between 11am and 4pm)

"Cases of the infectious disease gastroenteritis explode at this time of year. It's boring prescribing the same thing all the time." この時期は感染症の胃腸炎が爆発的に増えるんですよ。次から次へと、同じ処方ばかりで飽きました

attention darkwick students: please catch more interesting illnesses. thank you -jiro

(between 4pm and 8pm)

"Ha ha ha ha! I observed Yuri fighting the urge to fall asleep during class today. Would you like to see the photos?" はははは！ 今日は授業中、ずっと眠気と戦っている佑理を観察してたんですよ。この写真、見ますか？

i really wish it were during the hours this one can play because i wanna record it lolol Jiro smiling and laughing because Yuri's trying not to fall asleep is so precious. Tiny little humanization for our monster boy.

(between 8pm and 5am)

"There are rumors that pollen contains ephedrine, a central nervous system stimulant. They're false, though." 桜の花粉に、興奮を誘発するエフェドリンが含まれるという噂があるそうですね。 まあ、それデマですけど

Summer: (June-August) (between 5am and 11am)

"Good, today's temperature matches the forecast. I'll be starting a new experiment this afternoon, but the temperature regulation is difficult. It should be fun." 今日の気温は……予報通りですね。 午後から新しい実験の着手をするのに、温度管理が大変で。楽しみです

temperature regulation experiments are fun! i'm glad Jiro enjoys what he does.

(between 11am and 4pm)

ああ、また手足口病の患者でした。本来子供に多い感染症なんですが、免疫がない人は可哀想ですね "It was another case of hand-foot-and-mouth disease. It's an infectious disease usually more common in children. People without immunity are unfortunate."

(between 4pm and 8pm)

"A dare? Okay, I'll do it with you. I've always wanted to try screaming in fear." へえ、肝試しですか。 いいですよ、付き合います。恐怖で叫ぶ経験を、一度くらいしてみたいので

"a dare" isn't really a good translation here--肝試し is a "test of courage", an activity usually done on summer evenings where you go someplace scary with your friends to overcome fear together! Or something like that. It's most often done in summer because that's when it's believed there are more like. . .supernatural occurrences? several other characters' summer lines mention more anomalies in Japan in the summer as a result of these beliefs. Either way it's cute that he's like 'oh. that sounds cool. i hope it'll make me experience fear.' I want him to scream in an exaggerated way, just SHRIEKING for the sake of it, not even because he's really that scared just "this feels like the appropriate situation for screaming :)" lmao

(between 8pm and 5am)

"Ha ha ha ha! Oh, sorry. I tried letting the stag beetles I caught for an experiment fight, and it was funnier than I expected." はははは！　ああ、すいません。 採取の時に捕まえたカブトムシ同士を戦わせたら、想像以上に面白くて

i feel like that's something that comes up now and then as like. a thing young japanese boys do. which makes jiro kind of childish in a way which is super charming? it sounds to me like he didn't have much of a childhood. so i'm happy he can explore it now and have fun.

Autumn: (September-November) (between 5am and 11am)

"I don't understand why you would go somewhere without a purpose. Why would you go to a mountain if you didn't need to harvest something?" 行楽ですか？　いえ、単純に何が目的か理解できないんです。採取もせず、山を歩くんですか？

mods, show him the beauty of nature.

(between 11am and 4pm)

"I went to the botanical garden to get some ingredients and I was given these yams. Do you like candied yams?" さっき植物園に原料をもらいに行ったらサツマイモをもらったんです。スイートポテトは好きですか？

(between 4pm and 8pm)

"A lot of people in Mortkranken dislike exercise.The sporting clubs in Darkwick must be made up of people from other houses." うちの寮は、体を動かすことが嫌いな人が多いですね。学内でスポーツをしてるのも、他寮の人ですよね？

i am once again asking why i was put in fuckin frostheim--

(between 8pm and 5am)

"I read books every day, not just in the fall. I like medical journals best. I don't remember what made me start reading them." 秋に限らず、本は毎日読みますよ。特に医学の専門書は好きですね。 いつからなのかは……忘れました

Winter: (December-February) (between 5am and 11am)

"Hurk...! Phew... I'm fine... The change in temperature between indoors and outdoors this time of year causes my physical condition to deteriorate more frequently." うっ……はあ……大丈夫です……この季節は室内外の寒暖差のせいで体調を崩しやすいので……

i remember someone i followed also gags when going from a cold place to a warm one lmao. . . .

(between 11am and 4pm)

"I found an anomalous plant that can only grow in extremely low temperatures and successfully created a medication with it. It was just a coincidence though." 極低温のみ自生する怪異植物を見つけたので、試しに原薬にしてみたら上手くいきました。まあ、偶然です

'i made a medical breakthrough but it was just an accident' is the medical equivalent of 'i'm not a model'. also Yuri has a line referencing this one!

(between 4pm and 8pm)

"Streptococcal infections are on the rise. They're spread through droplet and contact infection. Have you been taking precautions?" 溶連菌の感染が増えてますね。飛沫感染と接触感染が経路になります。 あなた、ちゃんと予防してます？

jiro says WEAR YOUR FUCKIN' MASK.

(between 8pm and 5am)

"There are no merits to lowering your body temperature when you're not experiencing inflammation. I made some herbal tea that warms the body. Do you want some?" 炎症時以外、体を冷やすメリットはないですからね。体を温めるハーブティーを淹れたので、いかがです？

His birthday: (October 13th)

"Whose birthday? Oh, mine? I forgot. Did Yuri leak my medical records?" 誕生日？　誰のです？ ああ、俺のですか、忘れてました。カルテ、佑理が漏らしたんですか？

"did yuri fuckin dox me--"

Your birthday:

"Oh, it's your birthday today, isn't it? What should I do? I suppose I'll go to your room later." ああ、あなた今日、誕生日じゃないですか。何をすればいいんですか？ まあ、後でそちらの部屋に行きます

jiro no you don't have to do that you are moving so fast WHAT HAPPENED TO BEING FAMILY WAIT--

New Years: (January 1st)

"Happy New Year. Why are you looking at me like that? Even I celebrate New Years." 明けましておめでとうございます。 なんですか？　その顔。正月くらい俺だって祝いますけど

Valentine's Day: (February 14th)

"What's this packet? I can't eat solids. You made it? Oh. I can probably eat some of it then." なんですか？　この包み。俺、固形物は食べれませんけど…… なんだ。あなたの手作りなら少しはいけます

bby if you can't eat it don't make yourself sick with it. . . . Actually since the PC feeding him let him eat food, maybe if it's something the PC makes he can eat it???

White Day: (March 14th)

"Here. An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, something handmade for something handmade. Eat it here and tell me what you think." どうぞ。目には目を、歯には歯を、手作りには手作りをと思いまして。ここで食べて評価を教えてください

April Fool's Day: (April 1st)

"Yuri's kicking up a fuss and saying I deceived him? I don't remember doing it. It doesn't matter though." 佑理が、俺に騙されたって騒いでるんですか？　そんなことしましたっけ。 まあ、どっちでもいいですけど

i wonder if he actually pulled a prank and he's just hiding it really well. . .or if Yuri is just paranoid lol Yuri's for the record:

"Hmph, did you honestly think you could fool me? I won't fall for your cheap tricks. I've already been fooled by Jiro seven times today!" ふんッ。貴様も��を騙すつもりで？その手には乗りません。今日はすでに、次郎くん��７回騙されたのでね

Halloween: (October 31st)

"I don't know much about Halloween. I can't eat candy though, so I have to play a trick on you, right?" ハロウィン？　よく知りませんが、俺、お菓子は食べれないので。 あなたに悪戯すればいいんですよね

Christmas: (December 25th)

"This tree? It's a fir tree. Yuri told me to get one, so I cut it down and carried it back here. My special artifact doesn't cut very well." この木ですか？　佑理に言われて、モミの木を切って持ってきました。俺の特質怪具、切れ味が悪いんです

Idle: (about 20 seconds without interacting with the game) (below 13 affinity)

"Are you dead? Oh, you're alive." ……死んでます？　ああ、なんだ。生きてたんですね

jiro poking you with a stick like 'you dead?'

(13 affinity and above)

"Oh, Yuri's calling me. It'll be annoying if I pick up, so I'll just ignore it until you're ready to go again." ……ああ、佑理から連絡です。出ると面倒なので、あなたが動けるようになるまで、無視しておきます

'yuri is the only reason i'm alive but he's gonna yell at me so i'll just wait to pick up the phone' why??? i guess he wants to go back with you if yuri's telling him to come home lol ALSO DON'T YOU THINK IGNORING YOUR PHONE RINGING WILL WORRY YURI. . . .

Absent: (logging in for the first time in 2 or more days?)

"You've skipped too many appointments. It's been a long time since your last check up...  I suppose I'll have to re-examine you." あなた、受診サボりすぎです。前回からかなり間が空いてるな…… まあ、今から再検査すればいいです

time to fill out your whole chart again! examination from top to bottom!

THERE WE GO. sorry that one took so long!! He's actually a bit of a goof but his no-affinity lines make him come off as extra cold and cruel. He just has to get used to you!! But I think it has a very charming contrast. AFTER THIS IS JIN! Tomorrow night maybe? it's almost midnight and i have to wake up early again and my insomnia kicked my ass last night. . . .

[booksrbetterthanpeople]

History of the World Parts 1 and 2 quotes?

Aya: Louis! What the fuck? You peed on my son’s feet?

Everyone: *Gasps*

Louis: Mother Aya, may I explain?

Aya: No, you may not! I did not not have sex and give birth in a dirty-ass manger for you to urinate on the feet on the son of God!

Louis: She thinks her son’s God? The mother’s definitely Jewish. *Laughs* Okay!

Aya: I want you to get on your knees, and wash his feet!

Louis: … I don’t know.

Alix: *Snickers* You raggedy bitch. *Hands Louis a rag*

Louis: You want me to wash the pee-pee off of his feet?

Aya: Yes!

Louis: That’s what you would like? I just wanna confirm, so we’re on the same page here.

Aya: Yes!

Louis: … Nino, what do you think?

Nino: I mean, someone pissed on my fuckin’ sandals, they wipin’ that shit off.

Louis: Okay, well, that’s a betrayal. I mean, the man lays hands on lepers! And you worried about a little pee-pee on his feet? You’re really- You’re gonna make me do this?

Kim: Do it already!

Nathaniel: *Points to his feet*

Louis: *Starts to get on his knees* It’s just feet, they’re gross! Do you guys like- Anybody here like feet? Whatever the opposite of a foot fetish is what I have!… Hey, Nath… I have sinned. I’ve sinned… I’m a sinner.

Nathaniel: Yep.

Louis: I’m repenting… I don’t wanna wash your feet…

Nathaniel: Rise, my son.

Aya: What?!

Nathaniel: I forgive you

Aya: Uh-uh!

Nathaniel: It’s okay, mom. It’s okay.

Louis: Take back your dirty fucking rag! *Tosses Alix the rag* This is my guy! Nath! He’s not even a guy, he’s a god! Come here! *Kisses Nathaniel’s cheek*

*The Austins, dressed as Roman soldiers barge in*

Austin A: The kiss is a signal! That’s Nathaniel! Get him!

Nathaniel: What?! Wait, what? No! *Austin Q and B restrain and drag him out* You betrayed me? Mom! Mom!

Louis: No!

Nathaniel: Tell my story!

Ivan: Oh, it’s was Nathaniel you were going to betray!

Louis: *Everyone boos him* No, this wasn’t a betrayal kiss! No! This was a thank you kiss, not a betrayal kiss! *Someone pushes him to the ground* Nino! Nino!

Ivan: You’re in trouble!

Louis: No! Look at all these feet! Forever unclean!

—

Jean: The Lord, the Lord Jehovah has given unto you these fifteen… *drops one of the tablets* … Ten! Ten commandments for all to obey!

—

Kim: Ah, the Count Da Money!

Simon: It's "De Mon... "

Kim: DON'T correct me!

—

Ivan: Good gravy, it's Alya Césaire!

Adrien: The inventor of the... Cheshire Cat?

Alya: How did these dumbasses enslave us?

Ivan: She created the Underground Railroad, which I thought was a network of small groups moving stealthily around the country to escape slavery, but, yeah, no, this is a railroad.

Alya: Yeah, it's a railroad, and you fellas jumped the turnstile. *Cocks her musket* Pay up.

Adrien: Uh, how much are we talkin'?

Alya: Well, if you're a slave it's free, but if you're free, 20 bucks.

Nino: What if my uncle happens to be a slave? Is there, like, a friends and family thing you have?

Alya: Twenty bucks.

—

Announcer: Cosette is brought to you by the actual presidential candidate, Cosette Bellamy, and filmed in front of a live Black audience.

—

Ismael: As your chief advisor, you got to take this to the tippity-top!

Cosette/Zoé: Harry Belafonte?

Audience: *laughing*

Ismael: No. To the president.

Cosette: You want me to call President Bourgeois?

Ismael: Well, there are a few things I'd like to call him, but they wouldn't clear standards and practices.

—

Austin A: So, do you care if it falls?

Austin T: What?

Austin A: The Roman Empire.

Austin T: Fuck it!

—

Ladybug: One of you has already betrayed me this night.

Miraculous Team: What?/Who could it be?/I didn't do it

Chat Noir: CapriKid! *He yells in fright* Do you want a beverage? Try some of the juice, it's terrific!

CapriKid: *Nervously sweating* No. No. I'm good!

—

Marc: *Exaggerated French accent* We are so poor! We don't even have a language! Just a stupid accent!

Aurore: *Exaggerated French accent* He's right. He's right. We all sound like Maurice Chevalier. Honh, honh, honh!

[slate-skylar]

He knew that was true, in a way, that they meant something to all of those people. And yet, he couldn't help but wonder what that would mean in the Arena. What would it mean to see someone who had helped you, saved you, given you hope, spoken and fought against the Capitol, participate in its cruelest ritual? "We're not meaningless," he echoed, because that was true, at least. They weren't meaningless. But that meaning was still unfolding, and what it would be scared him.

He snorted out a laugh. "It might make a difference," he said, "Cress is good. She's worked with me. She knows what it's like. You ever been in fights? You know, scraps with other kids and stuff when you were young?" Cress had helped him to shape his fighting style around what he already found natural.

He thought about the question. An old scar. But it felt most natural to tell the story of one of those fights. "An example. There was this kid, called himself Sawmill, no idea what his real name was or where he got that idea from. He was another street kid, you know, nobody really on his side, nobody on mine. Just us against the world, that kinda thing. I would have been... probably thirteen, maybe fourteen." It had only been a few years before Hestia's. He winced as she cleaned a particularly deep cut, one far from forming scar tissue. "He and I were fighting over this place. It was a good spot near the fence, you know, a little cabin owned by this older couple who died in it. They died, you know, old age or whatever. It was nice. I knew about them, and when I didn't see them in the Hob or in town or anywhere for a few days, went to their place. Knocked, no answer. Opened the door, there they are, laying in their little bed. Sweet and peaceful as can be." Another wince. He gripped the side of the tub with his hand. "So I do what I gotta do, you know? I'm not telling the Peacekeepers shit, no, so I just brought 'em out back, used their shovel, gave 'em a nice resting place. After all that work, wouldn't you say I should've gotten to stay in the cabin?" He gave just a brief pause, not letting her respond because he knew he was in the right, didn't need her to agree.

"Anyway, after a day Sawmill hears the couple's dead, comes to the place, starts saying how he was always so good to them and brought them food and shit, he should get to live there. I'm like, fuck no, I know that's a lie, he's never done shit for anybody, and I mean, neither did I really, but at least I wasn't lying about it. I told him I buried their fucking bodies, I deserve the place. But no, he won't give in. So a minute later, maybe not even that long, I'm getting knocked to the floor, and hit my fuckin' head on the edge of the bed, you know, the one they died in." He reached up, pushed his hair aside, turned so she could see the indentation on his forehead, a thin but long scar. "Here's the edge of the bedpost, right there." He traced it with his finger. "Anyway, only took a few hours for the Peacekeepers to come knocking and kick us out of the place anyway, say it was the government's fuckin' property." He rolled his eyes. "We were still fighting when they got there, but we were both sick and tired of it, so we just let them have it."

"Maybe," Bram frowned, pausing her initial soak. "But it does. And even then, we're not the owners of our own narratives now, are we? We mean something to the kids we saved. To the rebels still fighting. The people we're leaving behind who love us, who will carry us forward." She thought of Joe, of Cat and Nano, of Mahlon and his stockpile of empty bottles that would always remind him of Nettle. A debt he never repaid and now never could. "We're not all that important. But we're not meaningless."

She nodded, though she wasn't sure if there was a point. "You think it'll make a difference?" She wasn't trying to be defeatist. Just pragmatic. Slate had a year of intensive training. The others had decades. Bram and Nettle had none. What good would three days do in the long run? "Besides, her shit's probably way over my head and outta my league. You'll practice with me in training? Give me the best bits for outer district twits?"

At first, Bram tried to cleanse around the marks, drawing the cloth like she was tracing one of Nettle's maps. But that skin was the most in need of soap. "It's gonna hurt," she agreed, soaking it in the water until was fully drenched, bringing it up to press against a mark that looked mostly healed. "It matters." The scabs were old now, dark blood that took a bit of scrubbing. Better than being fresh, she supposed. But his skin was still tender, untouched for so long, left disused, and she wished for something to help. Moonshine or medicine or a cut of leather like the one Joe made her bite when she dislocated her shoulder. Something to direct the sting to. "Tell me about one," Bram said, the only distraction they'd get one they'd make for themselves. "An old one."

[luminnara]

Omega Depression || Alpha!Kiribaku x Omega!fem!reader

Hi! Can I request an alpha!Kiribaku x omega!fem!reader where she is strong on the outside, but sensitive on the inside. Then, some asshole alpha comes and insults her saying that she isn't worthy of having alphas and other super mean stuff that makes her go to omega depression. After that, she confines and isolates herself in her room, not allowing her alphas to enter. Days pass, she misses school for like a week, and her alphas are tired of waiting, so they bust the door and find their omega deep in omega depression and starving herself, and they're super worried and try to help her get out of it, cause she could die if not. The rest can be little angst with a fluffy happy ending!

Yo I live for alpha kiribaku, not gonna lie

Warnings: angst, mental health stuff, depression, eating disorder/starvation stuff, abo

Requests are open!

You were always happy with your alphas. Bakugou and Kirishima were the loves of your life, you were sure of it. The three of you got along well, and there was nothing you enjoyed more than spending time with your boys. You kept up with them easily, never having trouble when it came to handling Katsuki’s temper or Eijiro’s enthusiasm. They loved protecting you, too, not that you ever really seemed to need it; you were tough as nails, as far as everyone was concerned. 

You weren’t, though, not really. 

“What a useless little omega.”

The words kept repeating in your head, over and over.

“Two alphas? Yeah, right. You don’t even deserve one, not with an uppity attitude like that.”

They kept echoing, no matter what you tried to do. 

“What a stupid bitch. They should just leave your sorry ass. You aren’t worthy of anyone, much less alphas.”

You curled in on yourself. You felt sick to your stomach. How could someone say that about you? How could a shitty alpha go and ruin your mood, and your day, by saying something so awful?

“I am worthy!” You had argued. “And we’re happy together, so just fuck off.”

“Oh yeah? Then why haven’t they claimed you yet?” His lips had pulled over his teeth in a sick grin. “You know they’re just biding their time, waiting for something better to come along. You’re nothing to them.”

The little spat had been earlier that morning. It was rare that you ever went out alone; usually Eijirou or Katsuki or both of them were stuck to you like glue, but this had been one of those instances when you had absolutely insisted you would be fine. After all, you were just running a couple errands. You weren’t even going very far from campus. What’s the worst that could possibly happen?

Well...this, apparently.

You had rejected the advances of an alpha who had been eyeing you for quite some time. He was annoying and his scent always made you recoil, but you would never, not in a million years, have thought that he could hurt you so deeply.

Why were his words even bothering you so much? You knew your boys liked you. They made sure to constantly cover you in their scents, they happily gave up their shirts for you to tuck into your little bed nest, they held your hands and gave you sweet little kisses...

And yet, he was right. They hadn’t claimed you yet. There were no big bite marks on your neck to show the world that you were taken. Why hadn’t it happened yet? You always thought that maybe they were just nervous, and they wanted to wait for the right time. Maybe they wanted to wait until school was over and they were better established as heroes.

Or maybe they were just playing with you, maybe you were nothing more than their favorite toy for the time being. What if they got tired of you? What if they really were planning on kicking you to the curb? Without a bond mark, nobody would even blink if they cast you aside. It would just be a normal break up, nothing for anybody else to even care about or get involved in.

But your heart was already aching at the thought of it.

You huddled up in your nest, ugly sobs wracking your body as you clutched one of Katsuki’s hoodies to your chest. An undershirt of Eijirou’s was nearby, a few plushies that they had given you tucked in amongst the blankets and pillows. The scents of burnt sugar and cinnamon wafted around you, and as comforting as they usually were, they weren’t helping you now. Nothing was.

You heard your phone vibrate, but you didn’t reach for it. You didn’t care. You were too wrapped up in your own thoughts, absolutely trapped in your head now. You were plagued by those same words as they kept repeating, telling you over and over that you were worthless, useless, nothing.

When you finally managed to glance at your phone, you had missed texts from both your alphas. You replied to them with a couple of half hearted “yeah, I’m fine” -s, then finally slithered out of bed to make sure your door was locked. You didn’t want to face them when they came to bother you.

If they came.

You spent the entire day like that. When you were out of tears to cry, you just grew numb. It was the worst you had ever felt, and while some part of you knew, deep down, that you needed your alphas to come help you, you couldn’t stand the idea of them seeing you like this. How had you managed to grow so afraid? You usually told them everything, but now...now you abhorred the thought.

“Oi!” Katsuki’s rough voice came from the other side of your door, his scent wafting in. “Open up!”

You didn’t answer, curling in on yourself even further instead. 

“Omega!” he called angrily. “Stop ignoring me, dammit!”

“Go away!” you managed to squeeze out, your voice sounding weak and strangled. 

He was silent for a moment, his scent changing. It grew more burnt-smelling as his anger mounted, and as it reached your nose, you felt panic and annoyance spiking in your chest. 

“Omega,” he growled, voice low. You heard the doorknob jiggling as he tried to get in, but you had locked the deadbolt, and unless he unleashed his quirk right there in the dorms, there was no way he was entering your room.

“I said go away!” you yelled. 

On the other side of the door, Katsuki was fuming. The beginning sparks of little explosions were popping around his hands, and if Eijirou wasn’t there to hold his arms down at his sides, there was a good chance he would have done some real damage to the hallway. 

“Katsuki, c’mon.” the larger alpha said. “Let’s just leave her alone for a little.”

“Something’s wrong,” Katsuki pulled back as his partner started trying to drag him away. “She stinks.”

“Yeah, she definitely doesn’t smell happy,” Kirishima paused, frowning. “But...we need to give her the space, if she wants it.”

“Fuck that,” his partner spat. 

“Katsuki....” Eijirou sighed. 

Bakugou’s nostrils flared angrily for a moment, red eyes wild as Kirishima grabbed his arm once again. Someone was trying to drag him away from his omega, from his perfect little mate, and if it had been anyone other than Eijirou, he would have done far worse than simply dig his heels into the floor and growl in protest. Kirishima was right, though; if their omega wanted alone time, they couldn’t just barge in without permission. As much as it hurt both boys, as desperate as they were to get to you and make you feel better, they weren’t total animals. They respected you, and prided themselves on being two big, capable alphas who listened to their omega. 

They returned to their own rooms, expecting to at least hear from you within an hour or two. 

Hours turned to days. 

You texted them a few times, listless, half-assed messages that did little to reassure them. You would send a pathetic I’m fine or a It’s okay here and there, only after they had both blown your phone up for a few hours. It was the only reason they hadn’t tried to tear your door off its hinges; they knew you were alive, at least. But by the third day, Katsuki was beside himself, and even Eijirou was getting upset enough to consider using his quirk to get to you. 

You wished that he would. You didn’t want to face them, but at the same time, the fact that they weren’t tearing the building apart to reach you was making you even sadder. Your sad scent was starting to leech out into the rest of the dorms, and by the end of the fifth day, nobody could stop your alphas. 

“Oy!” Bakugou snarled, his fist thudding against your door. “Open up, omega!”

You didn’t answer, too weak and listless to bother. 

“Babe?” Kirishima asked, his voice strained with the effort of not yelling in panic. 

“We know you’re in there,” Katsuki growled. “Quit avoiding us!”

Still, you didn’t answer. 

Then, you could hear some shuffling, and the door was being torn off its hinges by Kirishima. Bakugou stormed in as soon as the path was clear, his red eyes blazing with anger, his hands balled into fists.

“You’d better show your face right fuckin’ now, or I swear I—“

He fell silent at the sight of you. His eyes widened, his nostrils flaring. Your scent was so strong and so incredibly miserable that a wave of nausea passed through him. He hadn’t expected that it would be so pungent in your room, and as he covered his mouth and nose with his hand, he rushed towards you.

“Baby,” he cooed, vaguely aware of Kirishima behind him, “what the fuck is going on?”

You tried to bury yourself in your nest, trying to burrow away from the world, but a big hand caught you around the middle and pulled you back out. Eijirou manhandled you easily, his eyes wide with concern as he sat on the floor and placed you in his lap.

“You haven’t been eating,” he observed, looking at your tired eyes. “Or sleeping.”

Katsuki was beside himself with worry. He was immediately sitting in front of his boyfriend, caging you in between them as he began looking you over. “What the hell is goin’ on?”

You didn’t want to tell them. Your throat was sore from crying, and you felt stupid for being so upset. So, you did the only logical thing you could think of and buried your face in Kirishima’s broad chest, clinging to his shirt weakly.

“Omega, please,” the big redhead pleaded, leaning his head down to scent you. “Tell us.”

You shook your head.

“We know Somethin’ is wrong, so spit it out!” Katsuki barked.

His voice was harsh, but you felt a warm, gentle hand on your back that could only be his. The familiar touch made you sigh, and after a shuddery breath, the dam finally broke.

“Th-there was an alpha,” you whimpered, voice muffled by Kirishima.

“What the fuck did they do?” Katsuki growled, his voice deep and savage. It sent a chill down your spine and you whined, clinging to Eijirou for dear life.

“Cut it out,” Kirishima snapped, snorting at his boyfriend angrily. “You’re making it worse.”

“I just wanna know what happened!” He grumbled, his hand pressing into your back.

You hiccuped as a little sob wracked your body. “A-an alpha I rejected, h-he told me…he told me that I wasn’t good enough for you.”

The low rumble in Kirishima’s chest was like nothing you had ever felt before. It was threatening and powerful, putting Bakugou’s growl a moment ago to shame. His arms tightened around you, the scent gland on his neck slipping over your hair as he tried to cover up your unhappy omega stink.

“I’m gonna fucking kill him.” Kirishima snarled, uncharacteristically angry.

“Hey.” Bakugou slipped a hand around your waist, prying you away from the other alpha slightly. “Look at me.”

You faced him with teary eyes, and when you tried to shy away, he took your chin in his fingers. 

“We fuckin’ love you. Okay? I don’t say it much. Maybe I should say it more. But it’s true, ‘n no stupid, two-bit, shitty-ass alpha knows anything about the three of us.”

He leaned forward, pushing you back up against Kirishima with his head resting on your shoulder. You finally sighed, surrounded by the scents of your alphas, allowing yourself to relax as the dam broke and your crying started all over again. This time, though, it was freeing, and as your alphas rocked back and forth with you, you felt the dread and the anxiety slowly leaving your stomach. 

“Better?” Eijirou asked after a while. 

“A little.” you said, voice muffled by his tear-stained shirt. 

“Good.” Katsuki said gruffly, pulling you up to stand. “Let’s go get some food in you. Point that shitbag out if you see him...I wanna have a few words.”

[viktoriakomova]

hey, local here! can you elaborate on the simone biles thing?

howdy, local! 🤠 i’m actually very sympathetic to new fans, there’s no shame in not knowing stuff. everyone here started from having no gymnastics knowledge at all. i hope as you learn more about it you’ll enjoy watching it even more and you’ll want to keep up with the sport after the olympics!

okay so the simone “mainstream narrative” thing.

things that DID happen, in reality, on this timeline and in this universe:

simone biles was the first gymnast ever to do a double twisting double back flip beam dismount in 2019. she submitted it as a new skill so it could be given a value for judging. the international gymnastics federation (aka FIG) rated it an H (an A is worth 0.1, B 0.2, C 0.3, and so on. so an H is worth 0.8 points). many people think that was too low and it should have been an I (0.9 points). the skill simone originated is the only H-rated element on the balance beam, and she is the only person to have done it in competition.

the FIG justified their decision saying that they didn’t want to rate it an I because that would incentivize gymnasts attempting it in competition before they can actually do it, just because it’s worth so much. for perspective, a fall is -1.0. Usually when gymnasts fall, there are multiple deductions taken because of how the fall happened. But hypothetically, if a gymnast did the dismount and fell on her face, without incurring any other deductions, she would only lose 0.1 points. that gamble is mathematically worth it if a gymnast can do it maybe 50% of the time, since if she DOESN’T fall, she’ll get a big score boost.

(FWIW I don’t think it was for safety, I think they just didn’t want to jump from G elements being the hardest and skip over H to give the new element an I rating lmao)

in may 2021, simone debuted a CRAZY hard vault, unprecedented in women’s gymnastics. it was assigned a difficulty value of 6.6. for perspective, the Amanar, which was the gold standard for vault difficulty in gymnastics in 2012 and 2016, is worth 5.8 points. so its a big fuckin deal. but some people argue that it should be a 6.8.

there’s no real reasoning for why they gave it a 6.6, other than looking at the progressive increase in vault difficulty for increasingly harder vaults and then just giving it a value that’s however many tenths higher than the value of the hardest vault in the code of points already. but regardless, people insisted that it was unfair to simone individually, specifically, personally.

things that definitely did NOT happen:

a skill simone does getting banned

a skill simone does getting undervalued because it is “unfair to her competitors” how far ahead of the rest of the field her scores would be

a skill being undervalued to “punish her for greatness”

simone getting a zero from doing a skill that is banned (this one is just..??!)

simone getting a zero for doing a skill that is banned for being too hard and sticking it (even more ??! than the last one) (she didn’t stick a single vault at olympic trials iirc)

the “punished for being too good” narrative likely comes from 3 years of US sports media progressively building up this (damn near ficticious) story line about how it’s a grave injustice to humanity that simone’s skill is rated a whole entire tenth too low because the FIG doesn’t want anybody to try what she can do. she will now win gold on beam by a paltry 0.7 margin instead of 0.8 points!

i think twitter morons who dont understand anything (but know that a perceived injustice against a black athlete prepetrated by The Man is going to get a lot of attention) have warped it over time from “its underrated because the FIG is concerned someone else will hurt themselves trying it” to “the FIG is undervaluing it because nobody but simone can do it” to “the FIG is undervaluing it because simone is so far ahead of everyone else” to “the FIG is punishing simone for being too dominant and too successful” to “the FIG is punishing simone for being so dominant and successful by banning her death-defyingly difficult skill.” a perfect recipe for righteous outrage and a flurry of retweets, but completely removed from any version of reality.

i dont have a problem with people who don’t know about gymnastics, i DO have a problem with people watching like 4 clips on the internet, deciding they know what they’re talking about, and getting up on a soapbox to preach against this injustice with a totally unfounded degree of confidence

[dantelionwishes]

life is full of ups and downs downs downs downs dow

loredump under the cut. not kidding when I say its gonna be long!

oh shit you actually clicked keep reading thank you for your interest 😭😭😭

YOU KNOW THE DRILL tw // suggestive dont read ahead if youre uncomfortable with the topic of aphrodisiacs! 

MIDDLE SCHOOL 

before anything, I gotta explain he was born to parents who had an infatuation quirk (makes them hardcore fall in love with you) and an infection quirk (transmits a virus via saliva)  

developed his quirk late, since they usually get it by the time kids are four 

most people knew him as quirkless before the first incident 

in middle school, his class was preparing for a school play, he and his classmate got cast as the main lead prince and princess 

coincidentally, they both had a crush on each other and had a scene where they kissed

technically they weren’t supposed to, since its just a play, but one time they were practicing in private and wanted to try kissing “for real”

so they shared a super giggly cute middle school first kiss but well UNFORTUNATELY FOR HIM HIS QUIRK HAD WELL DEVELOPED– 

BADABING BADABOOM YOU HAVE AN IMAGINATION USE IT

the only way for the quirk’s effects to go away is to come at least once or pleasuring yourself until it goes away

I DO NOT WANT TO IMAGINE IT BUT. IMAGINE BEING A TEACHER AND FINDING A MIDDLE SCHOOLER WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHAT IS HAPPENING TO HER AND AN ADULT IS FORCED TO TELL HER HOW TO MAKE IT GO AWAY LLLLIKE–

rip now that I’m thinking abt it, I don’t even think anybody would even kNOW HOW TO MAKE IT GO AWAY so lets imagine she painfully stays that way until they figure out how to make it stop :^(

there’s a big fight that happens between the teachers, principal, and parents of both parties 

of course the crush’s parents got mad and called their kid a fuckin uhhhhh sexual predator or some shit despite also beING THE SAME AGE AND NOT EVEN KNOWING ABT HIS OWN QUIRK LIKE HELLLO

obviously an incident like this is going to spread like wildfire but the principal does not want something like this to leak, especially since it was not on purpose and was a total accident 

the other kid’s parents and some teachers did not feel comfortable however, and sato was forced to drop out

but not wanting to spread the gossip about their son’s quirk and the incident, they leave the town and move someplace else

thankfully, the principal gives the sato family his good grades and a recommendation to a decent highschool for the trouble

they’re originally from osaka, but moved to tokyo 

this is where they start taking precautions with sato, basically teaching him to be careful with his saliva 

it was easily taught and learned esp since the mom was already like that around him and others everyday anyway!! she has to take care of her saliva-based infection quirk, after all 

HIGH SCHOOL

he got enrolled into a regular highschool in tokyo

no hero course, no support course, no business, just a regular ol’ school

if before, he loved surrounding himself with people, this was where he was forced to develop a lonely disposition to protect himself and others

at least his parents were very protective and supportive of him and they were generally a happy family!

but in school, pretending to be quirkless was just as difficult, getting bullied or pitied for having no special abilities 

his excuse for wearing a mask all the time was because his mother had a virus-related quirk, and had to be careful 

one day his dad was suddenly got really, really sick

the more he had an excuse to wear a mask because he didnt want to get whatever disease his father started to develop 

sato started thinking it could be his mother (but why?) the results didn’t say anything about an unknown virus killing him (which is his mom’s quirk), and that his father really did contract a strong yet very normal disease 

while on his second year in highschool, his father, yozo sato, died 

apparently, without him knowing anything about his parents, his mother, oba sato, was actually under the dad’s infatuation quirk this whole time

she realised she wasn’t really in love with him when oba had accidentally allowed a drop of her saliva to fall into the meal she was making him, making him sick, and therefore making him weak enough to deactivate his quirk on her 

oba, back in her college years, wanted to marry someone else but yozo, who had a crush on her wanted her to himself, used his quirk to make him fall in love with her 

so in revenge for making her put up with him all these years to the point of marriage and having a kid, she continued to do this to his food 

her quirk doesn’t make anybody sick enough to die, but it made her husband’s immune system weak enough to the point that it contracted a real, serious disease which he ended up dying from instead 

sato only finds out the real story when he graduates from highschool, days right after his graduation the mom confesses it all 

she does say she truly loves him, but can’t stay around him knowing he was technically “unconsensual love”

sato gets reminded of what his quirk does, and true enough, that’s what him and his quirk turned out to be (a sick combination of his mom and his dad) 

they cant bear to be around each other after that revelation and decide to just not see each other again 

COLLEGE YEARS

he enrolls into an education course, inspired by the kind principal who helped him finish his middleschool-highschool education when it all started going downhill 

sato struggles paying for his college fees esp since he doesn’t exactly have his parents supporting him anymore, nor any contact with immediate family 

he has a lot of part time jobs that go all around the clock, he continues pretending to be quirkless so he gets bullied, and has to deal with all that emotional baggage plus being alone so…….clearly my man is TIRED as hell 

his side job hustles include: convenience store cashier, bookstore attendant, bar bouncer, and rookie gym trainer (he went to the local gym long enough for him to get recommended a job as a trainer)

college was that point where he starts developing a hardcore yearning for a companion because oh my god hes so lonELY (but cant)

ANYWAY SO

there’s this bully guy who always picks on him in college (for being “quirkless” and a loner and overall a fuckin weirdo with a mask)

tbh sato doesnt really give a shit he’s so used to it but he doesnt have his mother as an excuse to wear the mask anymore, this is where he starts forming the “I have bad breath” excuse 

“口臭い” (kuchi kusai) translates to “bad breath” or “stinky mouth” so sato unlovingly gets nicknamed “kusato”

one day he’s walking around the campus at night and finds the bully with his gang cornering another quirkless student, with plans of assaulting her 

sato was never the hero type, and was about to ignore the commotion as to not get involved, but something in him moved on its own and he found himself face to face with the gang 

he confronts them, but the bully mocks both him and the girl for not having powers to stop them anyway 

SIKE BITCH sato’s able to easily strike the other two guys, knock them off their feet enough to be able to tug the to-be victim aside, telling her to report them, before asking her to run away as fast as she can

none of the guys want that (they’re all students) so they have a full on brawl (and this isnt hero academy, its a totally normal university so I wouldn’t assume these guys had very impressive quirks)

except the main bully actually has a pretty decent quirk (he’s like a kinda half human half dragon with sharp claws, scales, and dragon eyes) and gets to injure sato with his sharp claws, seriously injuring his face

a part of his ear is also sort of sliced off, which is how his mask gets accidentally removed in the process 

the dragon bully grabs him by the collar and starts angrily shouting at him for ruining his night, being able to do all this shit without a quirk and all and all other derogatory speech 

“Well? what do you have to say for yourself?!“ 

Sato stays silent before spitting right into the bully’s mouth 

The bully drops him immediately, about to angrily fuck him up for doing something super fucking gross but WHOOP WHOOP YOU KNOW WHATS BOUTTA HAPPEN the quirk works immediately and the bully is a TOTAL MESS on the ground 

Im going to TLDR this part cos its…obviously nsfw but like: sato fully embarrasses him in public (beside the bully’s two colleges nonetheless) 

sato stays in the hospital for some time to heal from his wounds 

fortunately, afterwards, the bullies all get expelled 

unfortunately for sato, he also gets expelled for engaging in bad behaviour, and the bully did say what happened to him (and the college principal did not want his…dangerous quirk on campus) so as to lower any incident, all four were expelled 

at least without having to pay for college fees anymore, he could fully focus on paying for food, shelter, and clothes 

minus of course the hospital bills needed to pay plus he got a sick ass scar from it anyway HAHAHAHA BSDJHJRHDHF

ADULT LIFE

he had a lot of jobs here and there, but was more or less doing best as a trainer at a local gym where people weren’t allowed to use their quirks and strengthen their body regularly 

a few years went by and he eventually shrugged off everything that happened in his final college years but one day someone familiar walked into the gym! It was the fellow college student he saved!!!

she became a policewoman who wanted to get stronger in this quirkless friendly gym and hadn’t given up on her dreams of being a “hero,” inspired by how sato saved her that day

sato never really saw himself as some hero, he was left many nights alone thinking about how easily he could become a villain with his quirk, so hearing that really made him happy 

he trains her as her gym coach and she eventually asks him to join her patrol this small part of the city from a gang that was currently going around doing crimes since he’s good at it anyway, saying she could use some extra hands hehe

so yeah!! he does this side gig with her where he patrols alongside her looking for gang crimes and such c:

AND ONE DAY. [WISTFUL SIGH] ONE DAY. HE FINDS SOMEBODY GETTING MUGGED BY A GANG MEMBER AND SAVES………A CERTAIN MAN–

thank you for reading all the way here!!!

feel free to ask for questions or for any clarifications 😭😭😭!!!!!!

[chocominnie]

Can you trust me? | knj

⇢ pairing: namjoon x reader (idol! Namjoon)

⇢ genre: Angst because Namjoon may or may not be an asshole about important things but also fluff because of sweet-talking

⇢ word count: 3k

⇢ warnings: Arguements but honestly thats it because the rest if fluff lmao.

⇢ Copyright:  please do NOT repost, translate, or modify my works in any way, shape or form, on any platform. If found doing so , it is considered as plagiarism and appropriate LEGAL action will be taken

⇢ Summary: Namjoon keeps making excuses of not meeting up with you and given that you guys have been having fall outs recently, things are about to be put on the line. Will you guys break up? Or will you stay together? Can you trust him..

You have reached the voice mailbox of-

You shake your head lightly as tears feel the brim of your eyes. This is the third time today. You knew that in this relationship with Namjoon would mean that he wouldn’t always have time for you. But for him to not even give you a quick text or just even answer his phone is absurd. You’ve been talking about this meet-up for the past two weeks. Although he is mostly busy majority of the times, a dinner for one night surely wouldn’t affect his schedule right?

Especially with all the things going on between you and him. This date tonight would of approached everything that has been happening. The arguments you guys have are just nerve wracking. Especially when he argued with you for being clumsy because you had spilled fruit juice in his studio.. on the wooden floor. You just didn’t get how it would be a big deal as it was not carpet so an easy clean up. At the end of the day, you guys knew how to get on each others bad side and that’s not good at all.

So here you are now, dressed  in an elegant black dress with that Swarovski crystal bracelet he gave you for your 1 year annivesary. Atleast, that’s when he actually gave a fuck about the relationship. Actually, you can’t even count the amount of excuses he’s made within the past months to not spend time with you. The last time it was because he was washing clothes and didn’t have any to wear right now. In which you had called bullshit because he has more clothes than anybody could ever.

Needless to say, you had ignored his calls and texts for two days to give him a piece of your mind. Namjoon wasn’t the type to over-react on such things so it wasn’t a win situation for you. Instead he sent you some of your favorite chocolates and flowers as an apology as you weren’t speaking to him. Yes, you gave in because who wouldn’t over the dozen of roses and Switzerland made chocolate?

This time is something different though.

The waitress returns with a bottle of champagne with a bucket of ice in her hands, and while she sets it down, you quickly wipe the stray tears away and force a smile. You didn’t even notice they were there before.

‘‘ It seems as though my significant other..” You take the napkin from your lap and throw it on the table. “ Will not be joining me today. I’m sorry to keep you waiting.”

The poor waitress had been waiting for you to order your food for an hour now. You’d kept insisting to wait because Namjoon would’ve been there any minute. Turns out you were very wrong.

She smiles softly, popping the cork off the bottle and pouring a glass for you.  ‘‘Shall I give you the bill then?’‘

As if you would be the one paying for this, when he had broke his promise for you. Broken promises are a thing you hated and he knew that. Putting this on his tab wouldn’t bother him with your petty little antics. The boy is a millionaire, something like this doesn’t even make a dent. Somehow though, you wanted to pay him back for not even showing up.

‘‘Put it on Kim Namjoon’s tab. He’ll be the one paying for this.’‘ You mumble to the young girl. The girl nods her head and pulls out the tab and hands it to you.

You sign your signature on it, and place a good thousand dollar tip on it. The feeling of satisfaction soothes you. He’d surely be paying for his time away, and wasting this waitress’ time. You hand it back to her, waiting for her reaction to the amount. Sure enough she doubled back to you when she realized how much was on the tab.

“ Ma’m? You added two extra zer-”

“ My date wasted your time love. He’s deeply sorry for it. Do something good with the money yeah?” As if the sinister smirk to yourself wasn’t enough, you quickly get up from the table and thank her again before heading to the exit.

The taste of the sweet yet tangy wine soothes the emotions flowing through you right now. Kim Namjoon. A guy who cancels dates a lot. A guy who does not keep his promise.

The only place you knew he would be at rather than his apartment would be at the BigHit building in his studio. He’s always there rather it be snowing or sunny outside he’s just.. there. It always astonishes you how one can just lock himself in a room for hours. What is it about him and doing that? Last time you paid a visit here Namjoon was eating the dinner he ordered in the room, instead of coming over to your house as he promised.

You punch in the code to the brand new building and a charming sound lets you know you may enter. You smile at the two security guards who give a slight smile then back to the blank expression towards the outside world.

Your heels click against the cold tile making your way over to the receptionist. The air smells fresh, as if someone had just cleaned the room again. The receptionist politely stands up quickly and greets you with a smile and a slight bow of her head.

“ Miss Yn, how may I assist you today?” Her eyes are warm and bright, along with her small smile at you. You wish you could feel happy in this current situation right now.  

“Is Namjoon in his studio again.”

‘‘ Yes Ma’m should I tell him that you are coming in?’‘ She says, smoothing her skirt out before sitting back down about to grab the phone.

You immediately shake your head no. Since he doesn’t like showing up and canceling dates he doesn’t need to know anything at all.

You force a fake smile upon yourself to please her. ‘‘No. It’s a surprise since we have not had the time to see each other in a while.’‘ Oh yes, a surpise it will be.

She nods her head, ‘‘ Yes ma’m. Have a nice night with him.’‘

You say your goodbyes to each other and you go your separate way down the hallway of studios. Each door standing out in it’s own way makes you smile.

Mang Gae Deok Room

Hope world

Golden Closet

Genius Lab

And finally, Mon Studio.

You fluff your hair a little bit before turning the corner to the secluded area. But something takes you by surprise, it makes you tense up. Eyes watering and a little whimper chokes out of you. So this is what he’s been doing. This is what he’s been up to for the past weeks.

Its as if almost you feel your heart stop beating for a mere second. As if the blood in your veins went cold. As if what you’re seeing right now is only your imagination but in reality it is not.

There he is, sitting in his chair while a female takes it upon herself to casually take a seat on his desk, smiling and laughing and all. The pain in your heart makes it hard for you to keep looking. Sure, you guys argue, but ditching plans to do whatever it is with a girl is a low blow. That’s all you can take. That’s all you can manage to see right before he turns to look at you in complete and utter shock. There is no stopping the flow of the tears coming down your warm cheeks.

You look down at the boxed up food you had bought him and the bottle of wine that you had taken then back up at the door. Raising the box in the air, you throw it against the window making the food splatter everywhere leaving a mess. The two inside jump at your actions, but you ignore them and just walk away with utter disbelief.

Foot steps and yelling are heard behind you but you don’t stop. You continue walking, but then speeding up your pace passing the receptionist, who is confused yet concerned, and pass the two security guards with no expression.

Running to the open, vacant elevator you quickly wipe your tears and repeatedly abuse the close button to keep Namjoon from joining you. The image of him you get just before the door closes, is him running attempting to get the elevator door to open. You make sure to make eye contact with him just so he can see your pain.

You sniffle heavily while hanging your head low walking to your apartment. You could understand if it was one of the boys in the recording room. It doesn’t look like a great situation, but the girl did seem comfortable enough with him to sit on his desk. So that only leads you to think about how long has she been around him. The thoughts barricade your mind and before you know it you are face to face with someone standing directly on your doormat.

You dont bother to look up already knowing that body structure. Instead you try and shove past him to unlock your home, but there’s no use because next thing you know you’re being held by your upper arms standing in-front of him.

‘‘ Namjoon I don’t want to fucking talk about it.’’ You grumble, shoveling yourself out his arms quick enough to unlock your apartment enough for you to slide through and slam shut.

Knocks are loud on your door to cause some neighbors to wonder. Let them wonder they can scold him themselves for causing so much of a scene.

‘‘ Yn im coming in.’‘ He yells through the door.

You roll your eyes and stand a few feet from the door with your arms crossed on your chest. The door gives a charm letting him know the pin-code was correct. He shuffles in lightly through the door and closes it gently behind him. You stand there waiting for his explanation as you slowly walk towards him.

‘‘ Yn-’‘

Smack!

It felt good for your hand to connect with his cheek. How dare he disrespect the relationship of you two like this?

Namjoon holds his now sore, red cheek and gives you a serious look, ‘’ That was unnecessary. Let me fuckin expl-’’

Smack!.

Your nose flared in and out as you breathe heavily with your eyebrows furrowed in anger. ‘’ Another woman Kim Namjoon? You didn’t show up to our date because you were doing god knows what with another woman?”

Namjoon bites his lip hard as his eyes narrow, ‘’ Stop fucking smacking me. Let me got damn explain you brat!’’ He yells, pushing you to against the wall.

Your strength towards him was no match. You try to run away but he pins you back onto the wall. You were useless at this point.

‘‘ What’s your problem! Calm down!’‘ He semi-yells, grabbing your face to  make you look at him. You look at him, you look him dead straight in the eyes with anger all over you.

‘‘ Shut up. Shut the fuck up Namjoon. I planned the date to talk about everything happening but you don’t show up? Instead you were chatting it up with another girl.” You pause, ripping your arms away from him. “ That’s not a good look for you.”

Namjoon steps back, scoffing in disbelief. That only pisses you off even more, but you decide that it had been enough smacking him for the night. ‘‘ I wasn’t cheating if you think that. You and I both know I wouldn’t do that, right?”

You glare at him, ‘’I don’t know you fucking tell me.’’

That one single sentence sets him off. Trust is something you two really try to have with each-other but lately that’s been all over the place. Questioning his loyalty to him is like a stab in the back with a sharp, piercing knife. Namjoon puts his hands on his head in shock while walking towards the kitchen. You follow him because the last thing he was going to do to you, is ignore the entire fucking conversation.

The silence is rough. You sit yourself down on one of the island chairs as you watch him pour himself a glass of wine. The one you had bought from the restaurant. The way his jaw locks with a serious pout on his face lets you know, he has some choice words to say. That sharp tongue is just holding it in.

But did you over-react? Perhaps you did? Either way, it wasn’t a great scene to walk in on. Your man and another woman alone in his studio. You can’t help but to have reacted that way. Wouldn’t any other person would? It’s not that she was there, it was the way she was very comfortable around Namjoon to the point of doing what she did. She was also a person you had never met.

Namjoon puts the tip of the glass to his lips, making direct eye contact with you as he takes a long sip of wine. You roll your eyes at his dramatic action.

He clears his throat, ‘‘ Im still young. I have female friends and I have male friends. I would love to have time with them before you start barking up my ass.”

Barking up his ass?

‘‘ So you’re saying that all you were doing was having fun with her cause you’re still got damn young huh? Is that what i’m hearing Namjoon?’‘ That rage begins in your stomach again. Simmering in you like boiling water.

You continue, “ It’s like you just don’t care you left me at the fucking restaurant looking stupid right?”

‘‘ No I wasn’t having fun with her. You ran out without letting me explain, instead you were all dramatic throwing fucking food at my windows.”  The sound of the glass clinking against the counter-top is sharp. You wince at the sound of it.

Maybe you did over-react. But in your defense, you still had no idea who the girl was.

“Yn, how childish can you be right now? Did you ever think that me, one of the members of a worldwide known boy-group will be busy? Hmm? Yes, I should of told you that I couldn’t make it beforehand. I honestly thought I would be able to join you, but I overlooked my schedule wrong. That is my fault. The girl came because she was scheduled to work on our collaboration tonight with me.”

Oh gosh. The guilt takes over your body all at once. This was the last thing you wanted to happen. You really outdid yourself now. During all your rage and tantrum about this situation, you had failed to realize that you had indeed signed up to live this type of relationship with him. Of course he’d be busy, he’s an idol. Not once did you take his feelings and thoughts into consideration this entire time.

“ I don’t know Yn, I don’t know if we can continue our relationship together. You and I seem to be clashing a lot now-a-days. You questioning my loyalty really hurt me. We should think about taking a break, or ending things.”

Tears well in your eyes but you just let them fall. Those words you never wanted to hear ever. Sure couples clash with each-other, but isn’t that what makes them stronger? It’d be One year and a half down the drain if things were to go south now. Namjoon is a sweet guy, but your recent over-reacting scenes is becoming too much for him.

There goes that silence again. You two just sit there, not saying a word. The tension is thick as wood. This isn’t right. This won’t be right. Th emotions in you are running high. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. Things were only said in the heat of the moment. You were tired of him always canceling and didn’t even bother to let him explain. This could of been handled better.

“ I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been wanting to spend time with you and you keep canceling on me Namjoon..”

He sighs, placing his now finished glass of wine in the sink. He runs his hands in his hair shaking his head again. “ I’m sorry for that. I should do a better job at telling you my schedule.”

It still hurts though. The way he said those words without hesitation. “ Do you.. still want us to take a break after this?”

“ I think that now that we understand each other a little more, we can work on being better together and not seperate.”

You’re happy to hear those words. Namjoon comes from behind the counter straight towards you where you were now standing beside the chair you were once sitting in. His arms snake around you and pull you into his chest, hugging you tightly. You sink into him, nuzzling your head into him with a small sigh.

“ I don’t like when we fight like this. You know I love you right? So much. So, so, much.” He whispers down to you. You nod your head in agreement. It’s something about being in his arms that soothe you.

You feel so complete with just the presence of him. He makes you happy, as you do him. Namjoon is understanding, caring, kind, and so much more to you. He was there for you on your worst days, and was there on your best days.

He plants a small kiss on your forehead, “ Let’s become better together yn. I want big plans for us in the future, and I don’t want to lose you.”

“ I want that for us too. I love you so much Namjoon. Even when things are bad for us, I care a lot about you.”

The butterflies in your stomach settle. Being in Namjoons arms is what home feels like to you. You’re secure and safe.

‘‘ Can you trust me next time? I promise from now on I will tell you in advance if I cannot participate instead of just leaving you wondering.‘

You nod your head, not caring about what he said but only caring about his embrace right now. The only thing you care about att he moment is him and his understanding.

‘‘ Can you trust me?’‘

[problematicfavesareproblematic]

Drinking Up This Sweet Decadence

George Luz x Reader One shot

Warnings: SMUT!, dom/sub under and overtones, George is an immature toddler but he’s *YOUR* IMMATURE TODDLER, shit attempts at humor, reader goes a lil overboard with scratching, George gets a lil stupid post-sexy time but it’s vv cute, no discussion of safewords/boundaries so I guess the dom/sub stuff isn’t well negotiated but whatevah.

Summary: George decides to be a pouty lil jealous boy and reader is having none of it

Title comes from Good Enough by Evanescence

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“Hey, Y/N- your back feeling okay?”

 Both you and Dick raise your heads from the map you’d splayed across the table in the Paratrooper- usurped pub, giving each other a quick look before you finally look at Nixon.

 “Uh….yeah, Lewis,” you narrow your eyes at the smirking man. “Why do you ask?”

 Nix shrugs and pulls a face. “Just curious if you could feel the daggers George Luz has been shooting your way.”

Furrowing your brows, you twist in your seat to look out at the sea of soldiers, frowning when you see exactly what Nixon was talking about.

George Luz was glaring at you, a deep frown of his own twisting his handsome face as you made eye contact with him. 

 A consummate goof, you weren’t unaccustomed to seeing the man pulling a face at you every now and again. More often than not, he’d do it when he felt that you were too hyper-focused on something- or if you became overly concerned and contemplative over a minute detail of whatever intel Nixon had most recently given you. He never failed to pull you from your darker thoughts, something that you had come to rely on despite your initial resistance to becoming his friend.

 But right now- this wasn’t George pulling a bit. Oh no, this was a genuine expression of upset.

Just as you opened parted your lips to mouth a question at him, he turned his glower to the beer in front of him, pointedly making conversation with Malarkey, Skip, and Alex. 

 “What’s that about?” Dick asked from your side. 

Turning back around, you shake your head and shrug. “No idea. Probably just had too much to drink and zoning out? I don’t know- the day I can explain why any of these Neanderthals do what they do is the day Hitler shaves off his mustache and admits he’s been a bit over the top with this whole affair.”

“Is it something you need to, uh, deal with?”

 You shake your head again, giving Nix a quick grin. “Nah, this is more important. Besides,” you shoot one more look over your shoulder before turning back. “Whatever it is, he’ll probably be over it come morning.”

With a nod, Nix refocuses on the map and takes a swig from his flask.

 “Okay, so the DZ is going to be in these fields, over here….”

~

Turns out, Luz wasn’t over it by morning.

 Nor was he over it that afternoon, evening, or the two next days.

 Like some playground tiff gone personal, he was ignoring you. Not just ignoring you, but full-on pretending that you didn’t exist.  If you walked into a room, he walked out. If you said his name, he lost his ability to hear and continued with whatever he was doing. When he made eye contact with you, he would immediately look away.

 You should’ve known that this was an inherent risk when you started falling in love with someone who was such a child- that they would carry their immaturity into all aspects of their life. So here you were, in a battle of wits with an oversized toddler and two weeks away from D-Day.

 And you were pissed.

 You hadn’t done anything to warrant this sort of reaction from him- just three days ago you’d been having to scold him for getting too handsy in front of your commanding officers, the both of you biting back laughter when he’d made a whole show of pouting and whimpering like a wounded puppy. Things had been good- great even. You had no idea what sparked this drastic shift in behavior.

 But that didn’t mean you weren’t determined to find out.

 You’d heard from Joe Toye that Luz was ‘moping like a goddamn kid’ in their shared cabin, having declined Joe’s offer to go out to the bar tonight. Having been on your way to go on a short run, you decided that now was as good a time as any to get to the bottom of your lover’s temper tantrum. Whether he wanted to or not.

Opening the wooden door, you rolled your eyes when he instantly shifted his gaze to the wall opposite his bed. He was leaning against the headboard, arms crossed over his chest and his legs stretched in front of him on the unmade sheets- looking for all the world a bratty teenager whose mother had sent them to their room to think about what they’d just done.

 “Fancy meeting you here, Sweetheart!”

 He blinked defiantly as he petulantly continued to stare at the wall. That was fine, you were willing to work for it a little bit.

 “Last time I saw someone pull the silent treatment, I think I was still in elementary school,” you continue as you walk over to his bed, using your hip to shove his legs to the side so you could perch on the side of the mattress beside him. “I’ve got to say- your commitment to being difficult is admirable. Three days is a long time in Luz-years, isn’t it?”

 You tilt your head to the side and give him an amused smile, batting your eyes at him as you nudge your knee against his hip. 

“What’s got you so cross, huh?” 

 George, still purposefully looking over your shoulder, said nothing. You frown at that, your amusement at his upset dwindling rapidly into genuine frustration. Being in love with George Luz- being friends with George Luz- lent itself to aggravation enough as it was, his jokes and near-constant wisecracks were destined to get on your nerves at some point. Sometimes you wondered if that truly was the point.

 But this….whatever this was had you on edge for an entirely different reason. Even with all of his other quirks and habits, this felt especially childish. the time allotted for any sort of long-term comical event had long since passed, and with the days of the company’s time in England whittling down to near single digits, you had no patience for this silent treatment.

 Which is probably why George looked so shocked when you lightly (but effectively) slapped his cheek in order to regain his attention.

 “Hey,” you said again, voice much sharper than it had been before. “What’s the matter with you? What gives?”

 George looks at you with wide eyes, one of his hands coming up to rub against his pinkening cheek dumbly. When he doesn’t respond quickly enough for your liking, you swing a leg over his hips and straddle his lap, bracing your hands on either side of the wall he’s leaning against to effectively box him in.

“George, why are you being weird with me?”

 His brown eyes shift down to look at the collar of your PT shirt, the stretched-out fabric pulling to one side and revealing the paler skin of your collarbone. He suddenly looks incredibly young, something that hits you like a fist to the chest. As he swallows, you whisper his name again- concern starting to smooth the jagged edges of your agitation.

 Clearing his throat, George looks down and to the side as you feel his free hand come to lightly rest on the bare skin of your thigh, touching the skin like he fears it will cut him somehow.

 “It’s nothing, Y/N,” he says without conviction, almost like he knows you can hear that he’s lying before he even gives it a try. “‘M not being weird—”

“George.”

 This time he actually meets your gaze, his brows furrowing at the expression of worry you know your face has pulled itself into. Despite the fact that- not ten seconds ago- he’d been giving you the cold shoulder, George moves the hand that had been rubbing at his cheek to your face so his thumb can smooth the tension between your eyes. The way he did it almost seemed unconscious, the sweetness of the action not lost on you.

 So why had he been so distressed?

 “Talk to me,” you say quietly, leaning your head into his touch. “Please.”

 You allow your eyes to drift closed as he cups your cheek, the curve of his palm bending around your cheekbone as if it was made to hold it. 

 “You’re too good for me.”

 Opening your eyes quickly, you feel yourself frown at the statement. At first you think he’s joking, but you can tell by the grim smile on his handsome face that he is being painfully sincere. You quickly take his face in your hands and look at him incredulously, hating the look of defeat on his face.

 “What in the hell are you talking about?” you have to work to keep from sounding too exasperated, a new wave of frustration beginning to crest in your chest. “What on earth makes you think that?”

 When he doesn’t reply, you shake your head and narrow your eyes. “No, Luz- you don’t get to say something like that and then not elaborate. I never thought I’d ever have to demand this but goddamnit, George, I need you to talk to me!”

 Clenching his jaw, he twists his mouth from side to side before smirking ruefully. 

 “Seeing you and Nixon just….you’re too smart for a dumbass like me. You’re pretty and sharp and too fuckin’ brainy to  waste your time with some nobody who’s probably not even gonna make it past D-Day…..a girl like you could have anybody, and I like you too goddamn much to keep you from—”

 “Shut up.”

 His eyebrows shoot up at the venom in your voice. Tears prickle at your eyes as you think about all that he’s said, all that he’s been thinking for the past two days while he ignored you and allowed this to fester in his head while you were none the wiser. It hurt, his words physically caused you pain. It broke your heart to think that he thought so little of himself and was so thoroughly unconvinced of your unwavering devotion to him. 

Did he really think that, by ignoring you long enough, that you’d just move on to a more appropriate man? Someone more ‘deserving’ or ‘worthy’ of you?

 You’re a goddamned idiot, George Luz.

 You must’ve spoken the last part aloud, because abruptly he physically startles and pouts at you like an offended child. Too lost in your anger to find any humor in his reaction, you bite the inside of your cheek and glare at him.

 “I don’t want a Lewis Nixon! My entire life, I’ve been told that I’m supposed to marry a man like him- someone who went to an overpriced school and drinks overpriced wine and has perfect posture and perfect hair and the best fake charm money could buy,” you know your voice has gone shrill, but you’re too angry to care right now.

“And yeah, maybe that type of man could buy me a nice house with nice cars and give me heaps of rich, fat babies who have pretentious names that they can’t even pronounce until they’re eight or nine- but guess what, George?” 

 You slide your hands into his hair and grab fistfuls of it so he can’t look away from you even if he tried. Tears have been dripping down your cheeks for a while now, your throat growing tighter and tighter with each word you speak but you don’t dare stop. You need him to know how you feel, you have to clear any signs of doubt from his thick, perfect head.

“He wouldn’t love me. Men like that are hollow and selfish- they only know how to want and take.  They’d rather I sat quietly and smiled and gave them heirs than ask me about what I want. He would want me to be good and proper, he’d never care about me- not like you do.”

 Sniffing, you relax your grip on his hair and slide your hands down until they rest on his chest, barking out a rueful scoff as you let your eyes take in the pain on his face. “If you don’t want me any more, that’s fine. But don’t you dare ever try to break up with me for me again. Because as far as I’m concerned, you’re the love of my life, George Luz.”

 It’s quiet, the only sound that of your occasional sniff and the creak of the bed as he sits up a bit straighter. You’re about to plead for him to say something when he suddenly surges forward to kiss you soundly on the lips, pressing his mouth onto yours so strongly you find yourself being bent backward. His hands, hot and sure, splay themselves on your back- one pressing between your shoulder blades while the other at the base of your spine anchors you in his lap so you don’t fall.

There’s a desperation in this kiss, you can feel it in the harshness of his breathing and the determined tension of his hold on you. As you pull back to catch your breath, George doesn’t let you go far.

 “Do you mean that, Y/N?” he’s asking, words hot and heavy on your lips as he keeps his forehead pressed to yours. “Please tell me you aren’t just saying that because I—”

“I mean it.”

 You capture his mouth with yours before he can ask anything further, having made the decision to show him just how serious you were being. He whimpers into your mouth as you yank at the shoulders of his shirt aggressively- too focused on baring his skin to your greedy hands to think about the scolding he’ll get if you tear the fabric at all. From the way he’s fisting the hem of your own shirt, you think he’s on a similar wavelength.

 Sex with George was unlike anything you had experienced before. Never before had you had a partner be so wonderfully jovial about such intimacies- all of your previous experiences had led you to believe that it was meant to be a serious and choreographed affair, a misconception that always left you too anxious to ever derive any true pleasure from the act. 

 But with George…. you had learned to relax enough to realize that there was no right or wrong way to do it. If anything, the fumbles and mistakes had taught you that sex could actually be fun. 

 This was the first time he’d ever shown any sort of desperation or determination during foreplay, the first time you’d gotten any sense of urgency from him. 

You couldn’t fault him, however….not when you felt it too.

 By the time you’ve stripped each other of your respective shirts, you can’t help but grind yourself into him. George, eyes wide and staring, dips his head down to watch the way you roll your lower half against his, eyes following a path up and down your sternum with each gyration like a man entranced. You feel heat flood your face at the open gaping, your hands once again gripping the strands of his hair to pull his head up and back.

 His hiss fills you with some dark, carnal sense of pride. Especially when you see the glazed look in his eyes as you smirk at him.

 “What’s wrong, Georgie?” you murmur, brushing your nose with his while his hands slide up and down your spine like they’re lost. “Have I shocked you? Are you still jealous?”

 “‘M not jealous,” he insists, his blunt fingernails digging into the skin of your hips as your nipples brush across his chest unexpectedly. “Just want you….”

You kiss him again for that, gently scratching at the shorter hairs at the base of his neck as you pull back again. “You have me right now, Sweetheart.”

 You know that he is aware that you’re teasing him- something he’d normally retaliate in kind. But right now, he’s too drunk on something headier than normal to match your energy. It’s something you can relate to, the unfamiliar burn of dominance singing your veins like wildfire.

 “Are you reassured yet? What more can I do to make it clear that you’re mine?”

Blinking slowly, George gives his head a gentle shake. “N-Nothing….please-”

 Slipping one hand from his hair, you trace your fingertips over his lips and marvel at how soft and swollen they’ve become.

 “Do you want me to stop?”

“No.”

 With high color in his cheeks, George doesn’t even attempt to hide the desperation in his voice as he groans under your touch. “‘M sorry….I’m sorry, Sugar. Just, just don’t stop. Please.”

Well, who are you to deny a request like that?

 When you kiss him this time, you do it more carefully and with less anger, gently allowing the kiss to deepen as one of his strong arms locks around your waist and the other hand trails up your stomach to rest between your breasts. You trail your fingers everywhere you can, up his arms and down his chest and around his back where you can feel each breath he takes beneath your palms.

As your thighs begin to shake, you tilt your head so your lips separate from his with a soft sound.

 “I need you inside of me,” you whisper, reaching down to where he’s grown hard for you and cupping him through his pants. “Can I have you inside me, George?”

“Yeah,” he nods, his words more an exhale than anything else. “Yessss….”

 Clumsily, you and he work to pull his trousers and briefs down to his upper thighs, with him taking the initiative to push them down further as you carefully use his precum to slick his cock while you stroke him. He nips at your breasts as you do so, resting his forehead on your breastbone and mouthing at whatever skin he can. Burying your face in his hair, you sigh contentedly as he slides his hand down the back of your PT shorts to brush at the wet petals of your sex with a deep groan.

 “Jesus Christ,” he whispers, the air from his words chilling the spit-slicked marks he’d been sucking on the tops of your breasts and sending goosebumps shaking down your body. “Fuck, Baby-”

 He cuts himself off with another deep groan when you reach behind yourself to pull his hand away so you can divest yourself of your remaining clothes. You can’t help but smile at the sound.

 “Why the long face, Sweetheart? Not ten minutes ago, you were ready to have me leave you for Lewis Nixon—”

“I’m sorry,” he all but blurts out, eyes trained on your naked body as you finally kick your legs free of the cotton shorts and underwear before crawling back into his lap. “I’m sorry, Y/N….”

 His apologetic tone only fuels the dark burn that’s taken up residence in your lower belly, and you decide that you want to hear more of it.

 “Say it again,” you demand, cupping your hand around the back of his neck while the other resumes its rhythm between his legs.

“I’m sorry,” he says quickly, his eyes falling shut as you tighten your grip on him. His cock is hard and hot in your hand, and when you pause to tease the head of it with your thumb you can feel his racing pulse against your palm.

 “Tell me what you’re sorry for,” you nearly snarl, inhaling the gasp that escapes his lips as you nestle him in between your lower lips. “Tell me, and I might even let you cum inside of me.”

 His hands have come to grip your ass, holding onto the soft flesh tightly as you rub yourself on his cock in a lewd echo of what you’d been doing earlier. The muscles in your thighs have begun to ache with fatigue, but you are too stubborn to stop torturing him.

 “I’m sorry I ignored you!” George’s voice has taken on a keening quality- something you find deliriously attractive. “‘M sorry I- shit!- that I didn’t talk ‘bout this, that I t-tried to tell you what to do! I...I- goddamn it, just fuckin’ do something, please!”

 You cut off his pleas with a kiss, quickly guiding him inside of you. You both break the kiss when he bottoms out- a curse being punched out of him while you release a whimper into the air above your heads. All of this had gotten you more aroused than you had initially realized, your body stilling as you struggle to control your breathing after the tip of his cock hits a spot inside of you that threatens to send you over the precipice prematurely.

 “You okay, Sugar?” George asks, the waiver in his voice telling you that this might be a quicker romp than either of you had been hoping for. “You alright?”

You nod, your walls tightening around him as you lower your head to press your forehead to his.

“Yeah, yeah….just gimme a sec.”

 Your stomach is trembling with arousal, and you know that your face is scrunched up unattractively as you force yourself to breathe through it.

 “Y/N?”

“Yeah?” you whisper tensely.

“I know you’re workin’ through something right now,” his voice is just breathy as yours, his hands nearly shaking as they clutch your hips. “But if you don’t move soon, I think I’m gonna lose my fuckin’ mind.”

You can’t help but laugh at that, the sound turning into a harmonizing moan with his from the way it moves your body. With a nod, you slot your nose with his.

“Sure, sure. I’ll get- oh!- righ’ on that.”

 As you roll your hips, your hands claw at whatever parts of him you can find, your jaw-dropping open with a gasp as the powerful sensation of fullness threatens to rob you of air.

 “Feels good….fuck, you feel good!”

 You’re only dimly aware of his praise, too lost in chasing the blissful heat threatening to burn you alive. You know that he’s talking to you still, that he’s being unbearably sweet and endearing and sincere but you can barely hear him over the screams from your mind that are telling you to move, move, move. 

His lips are at your neck, your head lolling back as you rut against him like some depraved and wanton degenerate from a crappy erotic novel but it feels too good for you to be embarrassed.

 “I’m gonna cum,” you choke out, his pubic bone hitting your clit in just the right way. “George—!”

 A white-hot bolt of lightning hits you before you can even ask him how close he is, your body shaking almost violently as you refuse to stop riding him. It’s only when you hear him curse that you know he’s tumbled over the cliff right after you, his strong arms locking around you and holding you to him while you hunch out the remainder of your orgasm atop him.

 By the time you sag against him, your throat is dry from your heavy breathing and your mind is basically gone- the sweat on your skin growing cold in the already chilly air of Alberborne. As George clumsily slides down the bed enough to lay flat on his back, you can do nothing more than rest heavily atop of him like the world’s least effective blanket.

 His pulse is as fast as a hummingbird's wings as it beats beneath your lips, your tongue darting out to lick at the sweat from his skin as you nuzzle your face into the curve of your neck. As feeling slowly returns to your limbs, you carefully feel around for the bunched-up blankets at the foot of the bed and kick them up your legs until you can grasp them in your hands. As you successfully cover the both of you up to your hips, George blindly fumbles around with his hand until he finds your neck and starts to brush up and away the hair that’s gotten sweat-stuck there.

 Neither of you speak, only a few grunts and groans exchanged as he carefully reaches between your bodies to help maneuver his softening cock from between your legs. You feel sated, so deeply sated that it takes you a few moments to remember that you hadn’t been exactly gentle with him while seeking your release.

 With a little tremor in your bones, you brace one hand on his chest and push yourself up so you can look down at him, feeling a mix of shyness and guilt at the sight of the red lines your nails had drawn across his torso. With careful fingers, you touch one of the raised pink marks you’d left along his collarbone and follow it up his neck before you hesitantly make eye contact with George, ready for him to hate you for being so aggressive and dominating.

 Instead, you find the dumbest grin stretching across his face- his eyes closed softly as he catches his breath. He must have felt you looking at him, because he licks his lips and lets out a breathy chuckle.

 “Ho-ly shit,” his eyes are soft and somewhat unfocused still when they open. “I think I’m in love.”

You frown slightly at that, his reaction not at all what you’d been mentally preparing for. Gaping stupidly for a moment, you sigh loudly and tilt your head to the side. “But I just- even after I….why?!”

 Upon hearing the distress in your voice, he shakes his head quickly and blinks through his haze enough to meet your gaze more intentionally. His smile unwavering, he raises his eyebrows with another laugh.

 “I don’t think I’ve cum that hard in my entire life, that’s why! Jesus, Sugar- I’m fuckin’ dizzy even now….”

Still confused and unsure, you clear your throat and look at him incredulously. “Really? You….liked it? Are you sure—?”

“Liked it?!” George barks, shooting an equally incredulous look your way. “Y/N, i’m not sure if you were here the whole time, but I fucking blacked out, I liked it so much!”

You feel a smile curling on your lips, his words confusing you but in no way were they insincere. “Even after I, you know, scratched the hell out of you?”

 He nods enthusiastically, and you can’t help the giggle that escapes your chest as you run your hands through his hair and curl down so your face is closer to his.

 “And when I slapped you? Made you say ‘sorry’—?”

“Are you kidding me- that was my favorite part!”

 Before you can ask anything else, George reaches up to bring your face down to his so he can kiss you, grinning at the shocked stillness of your lips as you wrap your head around what he’s insisting. 

 He liked it. He doesn’t hate me for it.

 And, now that you felt that you could be honest to yourself, you’d like it, too. A lot.

 You pull back before he can deepen the kiss, taking his face in your hands and furrowing your brows.

 “I mean what I said, George Luz,” you say sternly, a sharp contrast to the gentle touches you’re swiping across his cheeks and jaw. “I want you. I love you. Don’t do that to me again.”

He scoffs at that. “How can I not? Now that I know that this is what you do when you’re angry, I may never talk to you again!”

 You shake your head. “Unbelievable. Has it not occurred to you that you could just ask nicely? I’m sure I can figure out something to be mad at you for….”

“Careful, Baby,” he warns teasingly, bringing a finger up to tap at your nose with faux seriousness. “Keep this up, and I’m gonna have to marry you before long.”

 Catching his wrist before he can touch your nose again, you smirk and roll your eyes. As you pin his wrist beside his head, you lower your face so your lips are just a hair’s breadth above his.

 “Oh, Sweetheart- don’t tempt me with a good time.”

You squeal as he quickly rolls you beneath him, the both of you erupting in laughter as he peppers kisses all across your face and neck.

 “Oh well,” George sighs as he nibbles at the soft underside of your jaw. “Never say I didn’t warn you.”

~ ~ ~

Taglist: @mrseasycompany​ @itswormtrain​ @mrsalwayswrite​ @happyveday​ @sunsetmando​ @ricksmorty​ @liebgotttme​

[cobaincreates]

eyes on fire

warnings: angst, smut, 18+

count: 9k+

i went ham on this because i personally needed it & yeah. wow look i actually posted something!!! love that for me & you if you enjoy this. feedback wouldn’t hurt love ya :)

listen to this

not my pic— but like imagine him with tHAT hair & fake blood on his face???? cya!

— — —

“woah, woah, wait…you’re telling me you didn’t cry at the thirteenth year?” you asked incredulously, trying not to run the car off the road. you saw the quick shake of the head of the person sitting beside you and tried not to gape. “ryan, we were together for a year and you’re just now telling me that you, not only lied to me, but that you did not cry at the thirteenth year?”

“why is that so shocking? it’s a cheesy movie.” ryan shrugged, lifting his hips in his seat to put his phone back in his pocket.

you rubbed your eyebrow exasperatedly. of course one of the single times you had recommended a movie to him— and he didn’t cry. you couldn’t believe it. “he gets to go back to his mother! how can you not shed a few tears?”

“i don’t know what you want me to say.” he laughed, annoyed.

“you have no heart.” you shook your head and turned your blinker on.

“you already knew that from dating me.” ryan poked you in the side, making your body jerk as you took the turn. “otherwise, you’d still be up my ass.”

“i think you’re mistaken. it was you who was up my ass.” you pointed between the two of you, keeping your eyes on the road.

ryan scrunched his face up and you caught a glance at it, giggling to yourself. it was so easy to mess with each other, even after breaking up. you were glad of that though since ryan was one of your best friends.

college was weird for anybody, especially someone like you who moved all the way across the country to go. california was like a fever dream now that you were back home, on an island. it was only for the weekend since that was about all you could take. it was halloween, although you hadn’t realized until ryan reminded you while on the plane.

now here you were, heading to a halloween party with ryan where he would inevitably meet your friends and people you went to high school with. it wasn’t that you were dreading it, you just had the idea of staying in for the night. especially a night like halloween when you could’ve handed out candy. as if ryan would want to do that in a new place.

“i swear if you throw up on my shoes this year, i’m removing you from my life.” ryan said as he shifted in his seat.

you flashed at another car to go before pressing down on the pedal. “i don’t think i’ll be drinking and driving this time. just don’t puke on my shoes otherwise you’ll be stranded.”

“i knew i shouldn’t have come with you, knowing that you would willingly leave me stranded on a fuckin’ island.”

“don’t test me, ry.” you sang just as you slowed the car along the crowded street. a couple of people dressed up walked in between the car in front of you and yours, heading toward the lively house.

multicolored lights lit up the windows and the outside of the house, the front room bathed in a deep red. you started to feel excitement bubble up in your stomach as you and ryan unfastened your seatbelts. a handful of trick or treaters passed on the walkway, some running around to scare others. you smiled to yourself as you put your car key in your pocket.

ryan’s arm settled around your shoulders as you walked up the driveway, a cool ocean breeze brushing over your face. this was something ryan still continued to do even though you had been broken up for months. it comforted you to know he was still just as protective of you as you were of him. it sort of became an unspoken pact of yours to just keep each other safe at parties or whenever you went out with friends back at school.

“i think we’re a bit underdressed.” ryan’s arm tightened around your neck, pulling you close so he could talk into your ear.

“only a little.” you hummed as you passed multiple people outside who all wore costumes. some zombies, some witches, a clown, even a whoopie cushion. at least you hadn’t come as that.

once inside, ryan’s arm slipped away from you as you both scanned the area. ryan was just curious while you were looking for your friends. the house was big so they’d be anywhere. the voices were much louder than the music, but you could still hear the halloween playlist playing. you stepped out of the way a couple times in the crowded entryway and eventually took ryan’s hand to bring him into the kitchen.

“y/n!” you heard and turned around to find ally, dressed as the infamous annie.

“you look ridiculous,” you laughed, ruffling her red wig and pulling her in for a hug.

“i always commit, don’t i?” she grinned before looking beside you at ryan. “hey! it’s so nice to finally meet you!”

they exchanged a quick hug, ally having seen ryan plenty of times through a phone screen. it was odd seeing them in the same room, right in front of you, but you smiled nonetheless.

“come with me! everyone else is in the front room.” she grabbed ahold of your hand quickly and started to pull you out of the room.

ryan touched your shoulder, making you and ally stop. “i have to pee.” he said, looking from you to ally in question.

“right over there.” ally said, pointing to your left. you could see down the hall that a few people were waiting, leaning against the wall.

moments later you were in your small alcove of friends, checking up on small talk and whatnot. ally was talking in your ear about some gossip in town and you really were listening, but also wondering if ryan would find his way to you or vice versa. your eyes scanned the room curiously, deciphering everyone’s outfits and costumes. you sort of loved halloween for that prospect, getting to be someone else. or something else— you supposed some people just really wanted to be a shark at times.

“she totally snubbed her!” ally said.

“are they talking anymore?” you asked, trying your best to continue the conversation.

“i haven’t heard anything, but the last time i saw them they were totally going at it!” her excitement grew drastically. her hand came down over your wrist. “i think she was saying...”

you were nodding along to ally’s reenactment, her words coming a thousand miles a minute. you completely lost track of what she was saying as you looked across the room at rafe cameron. without even thinking about it, your stomach twisted up and it felt like you couldn’t breathe. maybe there was too many people in the house.

rafe was tilting a bottle against his lips, head leaned back on the wall. he seemed to fit into the empty space beside a large entertainment area, but looked like he didn’t belong at the same time. he was staring right back at you, which in return only made your pulse quicken and your blood run hotter. from what you could tell from his costume, he had fake blood around his mouth that dripped onto a fine pressed white t-shirt. the fabric molded to his chest nicely and you swore you blacked out because the next moment, you saw ally peering at you.

“what?”

a shit-eating grin spread across her face. “you weren’t even listening, were you?”

“i was,” you said abruptly. you were glad of the red lighting as you felt the tips of your ears warm up. “the beginning anyways.”

ally laughed and nudged your side. “i get it, rafe cameron is much more interesting to pay attention to.”

“i don’t know what you’re talking about.”

ally gave you a knowing smile, peering past your shoulder. “come on, let’s go find ryan. you know how these people can easily swallow him up.” her hand grabbed yours again, pulling you directly through the crowd and in the same direction of where rafe was.

you kept your head down as you pushed through the mass of bodies, willing yourself not to make eye contact with him. it was a little difficult given that you had to pass right by him in order to get into the next room. topper, his best friend, had joined him now and he seemed to be talking into rafe’s ear about something. rafe was looking at you instead as you went by and you let out a big breath once you were by him.

there was no history between you and rafe cameron. absolutely nothing. maybe you had passed a paper to him in high school or were put into a group project with him, but that was it. you had never spoken to the infamous boy one-on-one. in high school, rafe was untouchable and you knew you weren’t even in range of his inner circle, or outer for that matter. frankly, you hadn’t even thought about him until now, seeing him again. growing up around someone like him and his family, you knew all of the stories. rafe was a complete and total heartbreaker.

ryan had managed to make some friends while only being at the party for a total of 20 minutes. really, you weren’t all that surprised seeing as that ryan could make friends with a horse. it was just in his nature to connect with people.

you found him in the entryway, sporting a drink in his hand and talking to a girl you recognized from gym class senior year. you couldn’t put a name to her face, but you gave a subtle wave and found a place on the other side of ryan. without looking at you, he put his drink out and you took a few sips before giving it back to him. ally had gone on her own path once you found him, saying she needed to find someone.

leaning against the wall, you pressed your hands against the cool surface. you didn’t bother listening in on ryan’s conversation, not wanting to intrude just in case he was trying to do more than talk. instead, you people watched, your eyes flitting across the party and the red room. the entryway was a deep blue, coating everything completely. you almost felt like you were in a movie of some sort.

you landed on rafe again, this time he was engaging in conversation with topper. he was off the wall, his finger against topper’s chest as he spoke. you swallowed and looked away just as he started to turn his head. part of you hoped he hadn’t caught you.

without thought, you pushed off the wall and went into the kitchen to finally get a drink. your mind felt like it was going 90 miles an hour and you needed to do something to busy yourself. you couldn’t just be a wallflower and people watch all night.

stirring up some concoction in the kitchen, it wasn’t rocket science to figure out who stepped into the room and came over to you. your stomach twisted up, which was a prime indicator. you kept your eyes on your cup and continued making your drink. it wasn’t like you to ignore someone’s presence, but you wanted to prove to yourself that you could handle it.

“y/n y/l/n.” a wave of shivers went up your shine. you had never heard him say your name before.

“rafe cameron.” you said in return and picked up your cup, taking a sip and turning to look up at him over the rim.

he gave you a smile. “long time, no see. you look good.”

your drink went down the wrong pipe, causing you to cough. rafe only smiled more. you cleared your throat and lowered your drink to your side.

“you look...messy.” you noticed the fake puncture marks on his neck, just under them was a lipstick print. you then looked at his mouth, red as red could be, and your ears warmed.

“what are you supposed to be?” you didn’t miss the way his eyes traveled up and down your body and you could’ve sworn they darkened. the kitchen had the normal yellow lights on, so there was no way any lighting altered his irises.

“didn’t have time to dress up.” you shrugged a shoulder. taking another sip, you kept eye contact with him.

“not even for halloween?” he teased and reached over you for another beer. you didn’t even flinch, watching his face move closer to yours. you stared right up into his eyes and help a gasp in. why was he getting you so flustered?

“i got in later than i thought.” you said simply, now breathing easier as he moved away and opened the beer.

rafe nodded, never once looking away from you. now you knew why some people saw him as intimidating. he looked like he would pounce on you at any second.

the next moment as people chatted and moved around the kitchen, rafe was gesturing with his head toward the entryway. “who’s the guy?”

you looked in the direction he meant and found ryan, smiling big while talking to the girl in front of him. he was leaned over her now and you knew that as a good sign. “ryan,” you told rafe.

“boyfriend?” he asked, and you held back the smile, wondering just why he wanted to know that.

“ex.” you didn’t miss the way he seemed satisfied with that answer, the smirk pulling at the corner of his lips.

“interesting.” he said and took another sip. he glanced at ryan while you continued looking at him. his hair was disheveled from its usual slicked back look and you kind of liked it better this way. to put it simply, he looked sexy.

“rafe!” you both looked over at topper who was making his way into the room. he pointed over his shoulder, cup in his other hand. “we’re going down to the beach, come on.”

“yeah, i’ll be right there.” he said and turned back to you, smiling again. topper met your eyes once until you looked up at rafe. “come with me?”

you thought about it, nearly saying yes until you remembered ryan. you didn’t want to leave without telling him, but you did want to see what they were doing on the beach.

“you go,” you nodded toward topper. “i’ll see you around.” with that, you turned and secretly hoped that rafe watched you go.

—

a game of flip cup never hurt anybody. you were well under way in your second round, on the opposite team of ryan and totally kicking ass. ally was beside you, currently downing her drink and proceeding to flip the cup perfectly. it was an innocent game that you had practiced back at school and ryan knew it all too well.

“see you on the floor,” you joked with him and held your cup out to him in cheers. his team was slacking, a current senior at your old high school having trouble flipping the cup.

ryan rolled his eyes, impatience seeping into his features. “i’ll be the one picking you up from the floor, y/l/n.”

you laughed while trying to keep all of the liquid in your mouth. you pushed it down swiftly, setting the plastic cup on the edge of the table and pushing up the bottom with one finger. it landed perfectly.

“fuck yes!” you threw your arms up in victory, high-fiving ally next to you. the game had gathered a group of on-lookers and they cheered for your team. ryan sulked.

a breeze blew over your shoulders, the salty smell filling your senses, as you stood outside. the night went on in full swing, the moon high up and the trick-or-treaters still out, wreaking havoc on the town. a fire in the small metal pit burned steadily, but you weren’t too far away to feel the pulsing heat. after this game, you planned on taking a break.

you had acquired a buzz so far, taking it slow so you could enjoy the party. for the most part you were and honestly, the little glances you caught from rafe were adding to it. he wasn’t trying to be sneaky about it at all and you liked that. it didn’t feel like he was following you around the party, but you did see him wherever you went. you supposed that small conversation in the kitchen had stuck with him, oddly.

standing at the table, you didn’t have to look to know where he was. maybe he thought he was being stealthy, standing near the back door, relaxed, hand in his pocket. all it would take was for you to look slightly to the right, but you held back for the sake of your own sanity. his stares had been driving you crazy. all you wanted to know was what the hell he was thinking. you could guess a couple things with the way he smirked or the way his eyes traveled over you, but you pushed those thoughts deep down. this was rafe cameron.

“my god, ryan you suck!” ally teased beside you now. you looked across the table at ryan who was struggling to flip the cup. ally laughed, holding her gut.

“since when can you not flip a cup?” you asked.

“shut the fuck up!” ryan said, trying to focus. you shook your head at him, grinning stupidly. it took him a couple tries before he finally got it and the turn went to someone else. he looked at you, huffing out a big breath.

“that was sad.” you said, crossing your arms over your chest.

“that was hilarious!” ally said.

“i need a fuckin’ drink.” he sighed.

“don’t quit now! we have to see you lose first.” ally brushed her hair out of her eyes, her annie wig now off and sitting somewhere in the house. just then you caught a glimpse of it through the window, someone trying it on for size. your eyes quickly swept over rafe, still in the same spot.

“i'm not playing anymore games after this.” ryan stated.

“no, come on! you said you’d be on my team for cornhole.” ally whined, the alcohol surely overtaking her senses. she wasn’t usually whiny.

“fuck cornhole.” ryan said just as your team cheered, having won the game. ryan gave you a nod and walked away, heading inside past rafe.

ally caught your attention before rafe could. “i'm freezing. let’s go sit by the fire for a little.”

you happily followed her, licking your lips and still tasting the beer. you both sat down on the cushioned loveseat, ally quickly throwing her legs over your lap. you took them in, setting your hands atop them. the heat was quick to run up your own legs and warmed you up instantly. burrowing yourself further into your sweatshirt, you let your muscles relax.

“i'm not a lightweight, am i?” ally asked.

you looked over at her from the sky, admiring how the fire illumiated the trees. you laughed lightly, patting her shins. “of course not.”

“you fucking liar.” she grinned and kicked your thigh. “i totally am. it’s fine, at least i always have a good time, right?”

“right.” you agreed. “you don’t make a fool of yourself, not at all.”

“shut up.” she laughed. “oh my god, you weren’t there!” she suddenly remembered. “topper had a party at his place a couple months ago and of course, knowing me i willingly went, not having anything else to do nor was my best friend here to entertain me or look out for me…” she eyed you teasingly.

“get on with it.” you rolled your eyes. deep down, you knew ally wasn’t that upset about you being so far away. sure, you had hoped to go to the same school, but she was the only person here who was pushing you to go further away.

“i think i had, maybe, two white claws—”

“oh god.”

ally laughed loudly, her back arching off the couch. “they’re so good! anyways, two in and i start crying about brie larson.”

“what about her?” your body started to shake with laughter even though you had no idea where this was going.

“have you seen her? have you seen that woman? she’s so goddamn beautiful, i can’t cope.” ally said exasperatedly. “it’s not fair that she doesn’t know who i am.”

“maybe someday.” you patted her knee. she started to roll her eyes, but you were quick to stop her. “you never know! crazy shit happens these days.”

ally didn’t say anything, reaching for an itch on her thigh. you looked back up at the sky above and relished in the warmth. suddenly, you felt ally tense up. you lifted your head and looked at her worriedly. she was looking past you and she lifted her legs to sit up.

“crazy shit, indeed. rafe is coming over here. act normal.”

you opened your mouth, no words coming out. she sat up quickly and tidied herself as rafe stopped beside you. you looked up at him, finding that same dumb smile. his fake blood hadn’t even come off yet— what the hell was it?

“hey, rafe.” ally said, way too high pitched.

“hey. mind if i steal y/n for a little?” he brushed his hair back and pointed at you.

“not at all.” ally said too quickly and stood up. “i was just going to get another drink.”

rafe nodded and let her pass. he moved to take her seat beside you as you looked after her, bulging your eyes. she opened her mouth in a fake excited scream, no sound coming out. you swallowed thickly and looked over at rafe. his elbows were perched on his knees, giving you a nice view of his back, muscles tight under his shirt.

“what’s up?” you half-whispered, getting your voice back.

he smiled at you, slightly turning into a smirk. “i was just wondering if you wanted to play a game of beer pong with me. top’s almost finished with his game.” he gestured to the kitchen inside where you could see the boy in question’s arms shoot up as he cheered.

“what’s the catch?” you asked, looking back over at him. why would rafe cameron ask you, specifically, to play a game of beer pong with him if there wasn’t a catch?

“does there have to be one?” he inquired, lifting a brow.

“with you, yes.” you said confidently, not having a clue where it came from. you had never talked to him this way— or ever, you reminded yourself.

rafe stared at you incredulously then let out a small laugh. he breathed in, glancing at the fire. you watched the side of his face, seeing how the fire flickered over his features and showed off how smooth his clean-shaven cheek looked. you wondered what it felt like.

before you could wonder anything else, he looked back over at you. the smile was partially gone, all teasing now. “if i win…you come down to the beach with me.”

you searched his face, a heavy feeling pooling in the bottom of your stomach. you shivered slightly and sat up to be a bit closer to him. his eyes followed you carefully. “and if i win?” the confidence came easier now.

you didn’t miss the slight lean he made toward you, the fire catching in his eye. “name your terms.”

you didn’t once look away as you thought about something you could get, had you won the little game. it took a lot in you not to let your eyes stray further down his face, no matter how distracting the fake blood was. you had never had such intense eye contact with anyone and if you had been thinking about it, you knew you would surely look away. now, experiencing it, you didn’t feel the nervousness or desire to look away.

“hm,” you hummed, willing yourself not to press your lips together once he let his eyes flicker down to them. “if i win you give me a piggyback ride to the beach.”

it struck you then just how beautiful his smile really was. the way his eyes lit up, crinkled a little. he laughed and nodded. “deal.”

—

“i know i won, very fairly might i add, but i am sorry for completely wrecking you in that game.” rafe said.

“god, it’s like your ego grew ten times bigger.” you teased, crossing your arms over your chest to warm up from the breeze. it picked up much more as you grew closer to the beach. the waves were loud as you anticipated feeling the sand on your now bare feet, your shoes left on the back patio. it was cold once you reached it.

you stopped a ways away from the water, closing your eyes for a moment. you missed this, you missed the wind, the smell, the sand. you could see a flash of memories across your eyelids, days spent at this very beach, sand getting in places it shouldn’t, and building monster sandcastles with your family. sure, california had beaches too, but nothing like the ones at home.

when you opened your eyes, you couldn’t see rafe in your peripheral view. you turned, finding him standing a few feet from you, his hands in his pockets. he smiled softly and gestured with his head. “you want to walk?”

“is that what you brought me down here for? a walk?” you said, a playful smile pulling at your lips.

“well, it’s much too cold to swim, unless you like getting hypothermia.”

“shared body heat prevents that, you know.” you turned back around, watching the water reach the sand and smiling to yourself at your remark. you hugged yourself tighter against the wind and took a seat on the sand, pulling your legs to your chest.

rafe appeared next to you a moment later as he sat. you didn’t look over at him or say anything, not knowing what exactly to say. you had a faint idea of why he wanted to be alone here, it was partially secluded, and dark enough to see the person in front of you. you wondered what he was thinking.

“back in high school i used to think i'd never get off this island. but being back now, i don’t want to leave.” you said, unsure of what it was that made you do so.

“i still haven’t left.” rafe said, laughing to himself. “at this point, it seems like i never will.”

your eyebrows furrowed and you looked over at him. “what do you want to do? with your life?”

he met your eyes, then looked back at the water and shrugged. letting out a breath, he threw a bit of sand in front of him. “no clue. i think i just need to get out and go somewhere for a little while. maybe that will help me figure it out.”

“i'm sure you will.” you said. “sometimes, that’s all it takes, is leaving. hell, if i didn’t leave and go to california, i wouldn’t have realized how much this place is in me. like, i'm meant to be here, you know?”

rafe fumbled with the sand in front of his crossed legs, then brushed it off on his pants. you watched him for a moment then looked the opposite way, biting your lip. your stomach was twisting again.

“how come we didn’t talk in high school?”

you forced yourself to blink a few times, questioning reality and if he actually asked that. you looked at him, confused and accusatory. “you never gave me the time of day.”

“so it’s all on me?” he laughed, giving you an odd look now.

“well, no. actually yes!” you said rather harshly. “you were the king, rafe cameron. i mean, not much has probably changed since i've been gone so you probably still are.”

“what does that mean?” he questioned.

“it means,” you sighed, becoming frustrated. “that everyone flocks to your beck and call. i certainly had no desire to do so back then, no matter how popular you were.”

“popularity doesn’t mean anything.”

“well, it certainly did to you, otherwise maybe we would’ve been friends.” you chided. he looked away from you, quite shocked at your words. you wanted to roll your eyes, of course he hadn’t changed since high school. he still expected everyone to fall on their knees for him.

you both sat in silence for a few minutes. the energy had changed and you wondered if you ruined the night. then again, why would it matter if you did? you were going back to california in a couple days anyways and you probably would forget all about this. but it still bugged you.

“what’s so different now?” you asked, the wind howling.

“what do you mean?” he asked, less annoyed. his features were smoother, now genuine curiosity in his eyes as you looked at him.

you gave him a look, one to say that he should know better. “sure seems like you’re interested.”

“what makes you think that?” he squinted, teasing. you were glad of this change.

“oh, i don’t know…you did a lot of staring.”

“so did you.”

you bit the inside of your lip, trying not to smirk. “why, i have no idea.” you said quietly to yourself, but rafe had heard you loud and clear over the wind.

you sighed to yourself and stood up, brushing the sand from your bottom. rafe looked up at you curiously and almost sadly. you looked back at the house, very much alive.

“i should go check up on ryan.”

—

ryan’s arm hung loosely over your shoulders, your body shaking with his as he laughed. he seemed to be getting on really well with complete strangers. you were happy for him.

if a stranger walked in right now, saw you sitting on the couch, surrounded by laughing friends and people you knew of, they would probably wonder why you looked like you didn’t want to be there. to be frank, you looked completely miserable. you were completely detached from reality, going over and over in your head the conversation you had with rafe on the beach. it wasn’t even eleven o’clock yet, and you were now begging the question, when are we leaving?

“did you want to leave soon?” you asked ryan when he looked over at you, smiling happily. you bit the inside of your lip, scolding yourself for even asking the question when he looked so elated.

“i'm alright.” he shrugged. “are you not having fun?”

the conversation still went on without him, it now feeling as if it was just the two of you. you shook your head quickly and put on a subtle smile. “no, no, i'm okay. just checking with you.”

“okay,” he nodded and squeezed you against him.

you let the smile slowly disappear once he engaged back with everyone else. you looked down at your lap, playing with your fingers. maybe you should find ally, you were sure she was doing something fun and time-consuming. that’s what you needed, was something to do to pass the time until ryan wanted to leave.

placing a hand on his knee to push you up, you told him you were going to find ally. he gave you a nod, taking a sip from his cup. you excused yourself past some people and started to look around for ally in each room. you didn’t spot her inside after a few minutes of looking so you wandered outside, maybe she had fallen asleep near the firepit. when you didn’t see her, you figured she was down at the beach. you could hear some distance screams of joy and laughter from that direction and could immediately imagine ally running around crazily.

giving up on your search for now, you took a seat at the fire again. you leaned close to it, watching the flames move. picking up the poker beside the sofa, you poked and prodded at the charring wood, sending little embers floating up. you watched as they disappeared, looking as if they would join the stars in the sky.

you weren’t sure how much time passed as you lost yourself in staring into the fire and feeling its radiating warmth on your cheeks. before you knew it, rafe sat down next to you.

you snorted. “you again? it’s like you’re obsessed with me now.”

“i came to get warm, i don’t know what you’re talking about.” rafe said, holding his palms out to soak it in.

“sure,” you hummed with a nod.

“you have a nice smile.”

you stared back at rafe, the smile in question dropping. speculation brewed in your mind.

“you’re staring again.” he said, the corner of his lips curving upward.

“what do you want from me, rafe?” you asked.

his smile dissipated as well before reappearing, trying to lessen the tension growing. “do i have—?”

“just be honest with me.” you interrupted. you were growing impatient and you could feel yourself starting to close up. no matter how much you enjoyed that lustful feeling for him all night, you wanted answers. “tell me what you want.”

never had you seen rafe cameron at a loss for words. it only boosted your confidence and you held the teasing giggle down. you never broke eye contact as he opened his mouth, searching for words. you raised your eyebrows at him, waiting.

“do you want to fuck me? is that it?” you prompted.

rafe swallowed very noticeably, the fire catching on his adam’s apple. “you don’t seem the type to be so straight forward.” he said as you put the fire poker down and turned to him, leaning over on your arm.

“you barely know me, remember?” your confidence was coming back as you placed your hand on rafe’s mid-thigh. he looked down at it then back up at you in surprise, his mouth ajar. you didn’t try to hide looking at it now as your heart raced.

“i've been wanting your mouth all night, rafe cameron.” you licked your own lips hungrily, your pulse picking up. you moved your hand to his face, feeling the smoothness you so craved to feel earlier in the same spot. you ran your thumb over his lips, gauging his reaction.

“fuck.” as if he hadn’t been wrapped around your finger before, he certainly was now. his hand appeared on your thigh, moving up to your waist to pull you closer.

your lips met suddenly, catching rafe off guard as his hand went to your face, holding it steady against his own. you instantly tasted the corn syrup of the fake blood coating his lips. you didn’t particularly enjoy the taste, but you liked the taste of him. he groaned at the contact of your tongue, opening his mouth for you to tangle with his. his jaw was strong in your hand, his skin soft. his thumb brushed your cheek roughly, trying to pull you closer. you smiled against him and pulled back in competition.

“y/n?” you pulled away abruptly from rafe, looking over your shoulder at ryan. you tried to steady your breathing as he awkwardly looked from you to rafe. “uh, ally is inside and she kinda hurt herself.”

of course, you thought. you licked your lips, your heartbeat pulsing under the surface of the sensitive skin. you felt rafe’s hands slip away as you stood up and started to follow ryan inside. you didn’t look back in fear of running back to jump his bones.

“who was that?” ryan whispered to you, not yet through the back door. “sorry i interrupted such a good moment.” he laughed.

“shut up,” you elbowed him and walked inside.

ally was sat in the kitchen, bleeding from her leg. you quickly aided her, inquiring what happened and what she did to be such a klutz. apparently, she thought it would be a good idea to live up to her dancer dreams and get up on the counter. obviously, it didn’t end well.

“totally worth it.” she slurred. you shook your head with a smile as you cleaned her up on the bathroom floor.

you wiped the blood off her skin, throwing the toilet paper in the waste bin next to you. rummaging for band aids as she drunkenly yapped on about her endeavor, you pulled the plastic wrappers off one by one and applied them to the long cut on her leg.

“i think you’re down for the count tonight,” you told her, smoothing the band aid down.

“okay, mom.” she dramatized, making a snide face at you with her eyelids closed.

“you can’t even keep your eyes open, dude. you’re done.” you laughed and helped her up. “good thing you live here.”

pulling her arm around your shoulders, you left the bathroom and brought her upstairs. her bedroom door was closed, along with all of the rooms, and thankfully no one was inside. you pulled her shoes off and didn’t bother with her dress.

“i want to go back downstairs.” she whined.

you rolled your eyes and pulled the covers over her. “the sun will come out tomorrow, annie. sweet dreams.” you kissed her forehead, noticing already how she started to drift off.

making your way downstairs, you watched as a group was heading out for the night. they closed the door behind them, the people in the entryway saying goodbye like a chorus. turning off the last step, you ran right into a very solid body. hands grabbed ahold of your waist to steady you and you looked up, seeing ryan.

“hey,” he said. “is she okay?”

“yeah. i put her to bed.” you nodded up the stairs and took a step back from him.

“i'm ready to go whenever you are.” he said.

your stomach dropped. you instantly thought about rafe, wanting nothing more than to find him and kiss him again. just as you thought this, he appeared in the entryway behind ryan. you glanced at him then back at ryan. “i'll meet you at the car?” you said and pulled out the key to give him. he nodded without a word and walked around you to the door.

“hey—” you started to say, meeting rafe halfway until he maneuvered you up against the wall, his lips quick to get to yours. you moaned softly into his mouth, reaching around him to pull him against you. he reciprocated this action, pushing his hips flush against yours. you broke away from him, breathing harshly.

“i have to go,” you said quietly, looking directly at rafe’s lips, feeling your eyelids weighted with lust.

rafe didn’t look pleased about that, rather annoyed really. his hand rested just at the side of your neck, his other under your top to grip your waist. “can’t you stay for a little while longer?”

you shook your head, smiling softly. “guess you should’ve made your move sooner.”

rafe grunted and pulled you back to him, his tongue slipping into your mouth. you welcomed it, running your hand over his chest, feeling how fast his heart was beating too. that alone was nearly enough to pull you in and make ryan wait, but you pushed on the firm chest, breaking apart from him once more.

“i really do have to go, rafe.”

—

picking up the jar, you read over the label. organic honey. now that you thought about it, you didn’t have any back at school. one jar wouldn’t hurt.

“i’ll take this please.” you said, setting it down on the table. the man on the other side nodded and took the few bills you held out to him. you thanked him for it, picking up the jar and your change and moving to the next stand.

ever since you could remember, you had gone to the farmer’s market every year. it was something you liked to do, something that involved the community you grew up in. there were so many selections and stands and things for you to look at that you could spend hours there. if you weren’t with ryan, you just might have been there until closing time.

ryan was across the way, checking out some older books that the library was giving away. you stopped beside him, peering into the crate he was looking in. eventually you moved on to the next stand, neither of you finding anything worth picking.

“so, what are we up to tonight?” ryan asked on the way back to the house, your jar of honey in his lap.

you felt your ears grow warmer, opening your mouth. “i was thinking of going over to a friend’s house.”

“ally’s? that’ll be fun.” he looked over at you, smiling slightly.

you glanced at him, opening and closing your mouth a few times. “no. uh, rafe’s. just me.”

“oh,” ryan drawled out, nodding slowly.

“i'm sorry. if you really don’t want me to go since you’ll be alone and have nothing to do, i can stay in and we can figure something out. you know what, let’s just do that?” you decided, waving it off.

“y/n, breathe.” ryan laughed. “i'm fine staying alone. you go to rafe’s.”

“are you sure? i can stay in, we can go eat at the wreck. you haven’t tried it yet!”

“we’re not leaving until tomorrow night. we can just get food then. it’s not a big deal. don’t stay in on my account, please. go to rafe’s.” he encouraged.

you couldn’t tell if he was really okay with it or if he felt differently. you had been thinking about it all day, replaying the kisses from last night and the way it felt to have rafe’s hands on you. your heart beat in other places now as you thought about it again. you shifted in your seat as you pulled onto your road. you thanked ryan as you got out of the car and went into the house.

—

dinner passed quickly. you pushed yourself to eat slowly, to actually spend time with your family and have them get to know ryan. a part of you still felt bad about leaving him alone there, no matter how many times he kicked your foot under the table.

now you were staring at yourself in the mirror, killing time doing nothing. you hadn’t done anything different about your appearance, you just showered and sprayed a bit of perfume. and you brushed your teeth. god, what was wrong with you? where was the confidence from last night? maybe it went out the window at the very prospect of driving to rafe’s house and going to see him. you had never done that before, you’d never been there, you’d never seen what it was like. plus, what if he wasn’t home? what were you going to do then? you didn’t have his number, although ally could easily get it for you.

no. no. you needed to stop. you had to do this before you left for california and regretted not going to rafe’s house. taking in a deep breath, you straightened yourself up and huffed. you said goodbye to ryan in the spare bedroom across the hall and he gave you a thumbs up, resulting in you rolling your eyes.

it didn’t take that long of a drive to pull up to the cameron’s estate. it was huge, you thought. you stared at the white exterior and felt not at all intimidated. turning off the car and willing yourself to get out, you walked up to the front door in determination and knocked. you practiced breathing to calm your nerves as you waited. it took a few minutes until the door opened and you breathed in sharply.

expecting someone completely different, you were met with a small girl no more than 14. you couldn’t recall if rafe had two sisters, you just knew of the one.

“can i help you?” she raised her eyebrows under the black rimmed glasses.

“hi.” you paused for too long and breathed. “uh, is rafe here?”

“he’s out. and you are?”

you lifted your own brows at her territorial posture, arms crossed. “i'm y/n. a friend of rafe’s. um, do you know when he’ll be back by any chance?”

her shoulders loosened as she grabbed onto the door handle. “sometime soon, i think. you’re welcome to wait.” she stepped aside, letting you in. you gave her a thankful smile, wanting to tell her that she was calming your nerves considerably.

“thank you. what’s your name?”

“wheezie. i'm rafe’s younger sister.” she closed the door solidly, pulling a phone out of her back pocket.

“it’s nice to meet you. i appreciate you letting me wait for him.” you rubbed your hands on your thighs, trying to get rid of the sweat.

she nodded with her eyes locked on the screen. “yeah, no problem. i actually have to leave, so…” she said and grabbed a coat from the chair behind the door. she opened it again and went to leave, but poked her head back in. “don’t steal anything.”

opening your mouth to protest, the door closed with a satisfied thud, echoing through the empty house. you glanced around, not knowing where to put yourself. you took a few steps and poked your head around the doorway, finding a huge kitchen with a few lights left on. you turned back around and looked up the stairs, figuring that was your best bet. just before you stepped onto them, you took your shoes off.

rafe’s room was pretty obvious what with the posters of random semi-naked women. you rolled your eyes at the typical male and wandered further in. his walls were a dark blue, black bedding messy on the mattress. some clothes were thrown on the floor, a desk with a monitor set up on it and some old dishes. you itched to clean it, but that would’ve been weird.

just as you were looking at the little knick-knacks on his dresser, you heard a door shut. you placed one of his rings down and waited expectantly in the center of his room, still not knowing where to put yourself. his footsteps were fast on the stairs, almost as if he were skipping two at a time. your stomach twisted when he appeared in his doorway.

“how’d you get in here?” he asked first, closing the door slowly behind him and switching on the overhead light. you took in his appearance, enjoying the backwards hat paired with a sweatshirt and sweatpants. you snapped out of it, realizing he was still waiting for an answer.

“uh, wheezie, was it? she let me in. and then she left.” you stated, twiddling your fingers against your thighs.

rafe nodded and moved away from the door, taking his hat and sweatshirt off. turning back to you, he brushed a hand through his hair then set them on his hips. “what are you doing here?”

“i think you know.” you refrained from rolling your eyes, letting out a laugh to lessen your nerves and to mask how much you were hoping not to be turned down.

rafe pressed his lips together, looking behind you for a second and taking a couple steps forward. you looked up at him, feeling the soft puffs of his breath on your face. “tell me what you want. be honest with me.”

you laughed at your own words from last night and looked at him under your lashes. you took a brave step forward, feeling his body heat. “i want you to kiss me like last night.”

rafe looked down at your lips, moving his face closer. you watched him, anticipating it and closing your eyes. you didn’t feel anything other than his hands lightly touching your waist. you opened your eyes to look up at him, to see what he was doing and why he was making you wait when you just told him what you wanted. he smiled lightly and looked over your face.

“and then what?”

you moaned and pulled him forward by his shirt, grabbing fistfuls of it in satisfaction. his mouth was warm and inviting against yours and you tried to think of what he smelled like, like salt and clean laundry. he tasted much better now that you could only taste him and not that god awful corn syrup.

you pulled away for a moment, sticking your tongue out to lick at his lips teasingly. his fingertips poked into your sides, pulling you closer and back against his mouth. you smiled against him and let go of his shirt to pull it off. instead of returning to your lips, rafe put his against the side of your throat, lightly nipping at the skin. you pulled your jacket and shirt off, rafe helping you swiftly. he continued his ministrations on your neck, holding you upright while you let your head fall back.

a gasp escaped your lips as rafe grabbed your hand from his stomach and placed it over his bulge. you hadn’t realized how prominent he was in the past few moments. you looked over his face as he pressed his forehead against yours, guiding your hand over him.

“do you feel that?” he huffed.

your legs practically turned to mush as you felt him, growing stiff in his sweats. you hummed, nodding against his head. without asking you or prompting you, you slid your hand from under his into his pants. the warmth radiated like the fire from last night, your own pooling between your legs. rafe let out another breath as you wrapped your hand around him, exploring.

“that feels good.” he whispered and tugged your body closer, a hand cupping your backside. you reached to press a kiss against his jaw, his head moving to give you more access. you made a quick trail and pressed a final kiss to the base of his neck, right over his clavicle.

as much as you didn’t want to, you pulled away, your own need growing by the second. you pushed his pants down with his boxers, trying to hold yourself together from not jumping on him then and there. he watched your face closely as he stepped out of his pants. swallowing, you pushed your own bottoms down and just as you were reaching for your underwear, rafe pushed you onto his unmade bed.

starting at your mouth, rafe kissed you fully and hungrily, sparing nothing. you wanted to hold him there, especially when he rutted his hips against yours, eliciting a high moan. you quivered at the feeling of him so close and you would’ve reached for your underwear then if he hadn’t left your lips and slowly started to make his way down.

“keep making those noises, y/n.” his breath blew over your chest and you obliged as his lips pressed against one of your breasts.

“rafe, please.” you touched his head and lifted your legs around him.

he lifted from your stomach with a smile. “what?”

“hurry up.” you begged, out of breath. he chuckled, kissing you lightly on the lips and moving back to what he was doing. you groaned but lifted onto our elbows to watch. he pressed a few more kisses to your stomach and just as he was going to the next spot, you raised your hips, teasing him. he laughed, his breathing tickling your sensitive skin.

his hands took ahold of your hips and held them down on the bed, his fingers warm and strong. you swallowed thickly, your eyelids nearly closing as a kiss was pressed directly over where your excitement had pooled. you let out a whine, low from your throat, and met rafe’s dark eyes.

“you’re so wet.” he said, letting go of one hip to replace where his mouth just was. you lifted your hips again, letting your head fall back at the pleasure that shot through you. rafe pressed his fingers firmly, moving slowly in circles. “is this how you were last night?”

“yes, yes.” you sighed, dropping onto your back. “fuck, rafe, please just take them off. please.”

he pushed against your clit abruptly, practically pushing the breath out of your chest. he obliged though, you felt his fingers slip between the material and your hips before he tugged them down. you opened your eyes as the bed shifted. rafe held himself over you, reaching into the nightstand and pulling out a condom. you leaned up to pull your bra off as he opened the small package and put it on.

“how do you want me?” you asked, still out of breath, reaching for him.

rafe smiled, his hands coming down on either side of your head to hold himself up. “just like this.”

his hair tickled your forehead as he lined himself up and took your mouth against him. you broke the kiss, moaning as he pushed in slowly.

“fuck.” you gasped, holding onto his hip.

“are you okay?” he asked after letting out a low grunt.

“yes,” you nodded, reaching up to kiss him. “i need you to move.”

rafe did as requested and moved slowly, starting a rhythm. his hand closed around a breast, your legs opening wider for him as his hips met yours continuously. you tried your best to keep your lips against his, reveling in the warmth and taste, but you found yourself pulling away and getting lost in what he was doing to you. you started to focus on his breathing, his low grunts, his moans that sent shivers up the back of your thighs. you relished in it.

“i'm glad we didn’t do this last night.” you laughed to yourself, out of breath.

“fuck,” he said. “i was pissed when you left, i ended up coming here just to jack off.”

you laughed again, reaching a hand up to his hair to tug at. you pulled his mouth to yours momentarily until he broke away and moved to your chest. “rafe, harder.” you pleaded, tugging on his hip.

he moaned against your chest, the vibrations going all the way to where he was pushing into you. you let out your own noise, louder than any before, as he picked up the pace and tried to hit you deeper. it wasn’t quite working so you lifted your knee up higher, digging your heel into his backside.

rafe softly bit down on your nipple, massaging the other one. it lost the warmth a second later as rafe let go and grabbed ahold of your leg, the smacking of your skin becoming louder. letting go of his hair, you held his other hip, digging your fingernails in.

“rafe,” you panted. rafe’s hips were going at an alarming rate, but you had never felt so good. he knew exactly what he was doing. “rafe, i'm close.”

rafe let go of your leg and moved his hand down your stomach to find your clit. his thumb brushed it, causing you to cry out. his breath was coming out in pants now too, with each stroke. he looked down at you, your expression of pure bliss as your eyes screwed shut and contorted. you bit your lip, something you didn’t realize drove him crazy. he moved his thumb in fast circles with the pace of his hips and soon enough, you were squeezing  his hips and crying out in high pitched tones. the sound alone brought rafe closer.

“fuck, fuck.” you felt him twitch as he grabbed onto your hip, his steady thrusts now stuttering.

you were still riding out your own high, but you reached up with a shaky hand and touched his cheek. he opened his eyes then at the new contact, his mouth ajar, lips swollen.

“rafe, cum. i need you to cum.” you pleaded, licking into his lips with a kiss. he groaned, hips stuttering again then stilling completely as he emptied into the condom. you moaned at the sound, wishing that he was emptying into you. you wished you could feel how warm he was when he coated your walls. god, just the thought had you ready to go again.

rafe moaned as he slid out of you and flipped over onto his back. you licked your lips, still tasting him as you caught your own breath. your skin was sticky and sweaty, but you liked it knowing who it was from. looking over at him now, he was spent and tired, his chest moving with gulps of breath.

“well, i know you better now.” he said, making you laugh.

“right back at ya, rafe cameron.”

[stydiaeverafter]

Ch2: Hidden Nightmares

Summary: Heather helps Ray through his nightmares but also worries about her own—her future.

Rated: T

Warnings: PTSD from the challenges of Panic

A/N: Thank you for all the kind words! I'm excited to continue this story between Nillhall. As much as I love writing from Ray's POV, I will be switching back and forth as the story goes on. I hope you all enjoy it!

Read on ao3

***

"I'm scared I'm falling in love with you." Heather could not get those words out of her head. They were floating alongside so many feelings that she couldn't ignore, even if she wanted to.

"I'm scared, too." It was the truth. Ray had been right. Since the challenge, everything frightened Heather. Sometimes she didn't know which way was up from down.

After she received the money from the Bagman, Heather was living in a constant state of anxiety. It didn't help that someone had thrown a scarecrow dummy at her car—a warning that Panic wasn't through with her, that she was being watched.

Though, she had been the fool and hadn't told anybody about it. Heather had wanted to wait to see if anything else would happen. Plus, she knew that Ray would freak, and she didn't want him going off the deep end, primarily because of her.

Besides worrying if someone wasn't through with her yet, the money would be stolen. The challenge was just beginning. Heather also thought about the relationship with Ray.

They were in the beginning stages of figuring out what this all meant between them. Heather had joked, saying, "We don't have to fall in love, Ray,"  but she realized soon after that the falling was inevitable.

Heather had been falling in love with him since he finally had opened up to her at the Player's Ball. Even though she had tried to push anything serious from her mind, fate had a different path for her.

Ray brought out a wild, not-so-sheltered side of her. It was fun, exciting, and new. Natalie, before leaving Carp, had warned her for the millionth time, saying men like Ray don't always change. But the problem was that many people didn't actually know the real Ray Hall. They saw what was surface deep—not the man behind the iron mask.

She was taking the time to really get to know Ray after so many years of witnessing the facade.

It had been almost a month since the game and surrounding herself around Ray Hall. Heather tried to keep digging to get to know him, even though they had difficulty keeping their hands off each other. There was a chemistry between them that was electrifying. She knew he felt it, too, as he would often tremble when they kissed.

They had hooked up a few times, still not having sex, and she was grateful he was willing to take it slow after what had happened at Graybill Manor.

However, Heather couldn't stop thinking about that. This part Natalie didn't have to warn her about. It was only the truth that Ray had hooked up with many girls and had since their freshman year. As she replayed Graybill Manor often in her mind, Heather still couldn't figure out why he had gotten so upset. Part of her whispered that it was because what was going on between them had been different for him, special,  and when she had said, "What's the big deal," it had stuck him in the heart. But was that the real reason? Maybe so, now that she knew he was falling for her. But would it last? In her mind, she was sometimes scared she was one of the many on his list, and when he was bored, he'd throw her to the side. However, her heart would beat, saying that was a lie. This man loves you. He'll wait.

Heather had fumbled a lie saying she wasn't a virgin, but the truth was, she very much was. She had wanted to wait for the right person and always thought it would be with Bishop. But they had failed romantically, and that was okay. Sometimes just being best friends was enough.

Being around Ray, her thoughts shifted, and more and more did she want her first time to be with him. But how could she tell him that? Unless he already knew. That man was perceptive.

She looked over at him, sleeping in the sun on his boat as she wrote ideas for her stories that would probably never be published. The way he encouraged her to write was as beautiful as watching the sun touch his face in the light.

His arms were folded, and his eyes were closed in a peaceful way. He looked younger this way, not the troubled adolescent who had been forced to grow up too soon, even though she knew exactly how that felt.

Ray truly was gorgeous, and she resisted the urge to run her fingers down his cheek. Instead, she gripped her pen tightly and continued to write.

Writing gave her purpose. The inner words, too scared to speak, found their escape into the world. Heather wanted so desperately to take her writing a step further. But to do that, college was a must. She had more than enough money, but part of her was scared to use it, and the other part didn't want to leave Lily or Ray. This hadn't been the first time Heather considered taking her sister with her, but could she give her the life she deserved? It sure would be a hell of a lot better than what their mom was giving them. But it was a custody battle she didn't want to play, even though she was 18 now.

That didn't stop Heather from still applying to the University of Austin, the place she always saw herself going. She looked back down at Ray, wondering how he would take the news that she had applied. Heather knew he had changed a lot from the boy before Panic, but would he be willing to do long-distance?

Her thoughts evaporated as Ray started thrashing around, whimpering in his sleep. She closed her notebook and made her way over to him.

"No...don't...don't leave me. Heather..." She froze at his words, wondering if he knew exactly what she had been thinking only seconds before. "No, help. No...."

Heather knew Ray spoke in his sleep, especially with his nightmares—the unfortunate pleasure of having a traumatic past—but this seemed unusual. Worse in numerous ways, especially given how Ray was shaking like a scared child.

"Ray! Ray, wake up." Heather shook his bare arms as he tossed around the small boat. "Ray!"

Finally, his eyes shot open, and he gazed up at her as Heather attempted to block the sun from his eyes.

"Heather?" Ray asked after a moment, sitting up slightly, his body covered in sweat.

"It's me. I'm here," Heather replied, bending down to gently kiss his forehead. "Are you okay? You were having another nightmare."

Instead of answering right away, he just gazed into her eyes as if he were getting lost in something that only he could see. Then all of a sudden, Ray shook his head and ran a hand through his already messy curls. "I'm fine. Sorry to worry you."

"How often are you getting them?"

"Nah," Ray shrugged, "it's not a big deal. Just my fucked up brain." He ran his fingers gently through her hair, a habit that had formed since spending so much time together. "No worries, babe."

"Ray, stop it." Heather gripped his hand tightly, and he froze, "Don't do that! Please don't push me away. It's a big deal to me if it's hurting you." She placed her palm against his warm cheek, and the facade disappeared instantly as Ray closed his beautiful blue eyes.

It still took a lot for Ray to be vulnerable, but he would for her. Sometimes though, it took a bit of convincing. Old habits die hard. She was working on letting someone in as well.   In her past, Heather had to be a closed-off box inside her own comfort zone—being with Ray expanded everything she knew. It was scary but worth it.

"I'm sorry," Ray responded, opening his eyes. "I don't mean to be an asshole, especially not to you. I appreciate that you want to be there for me. Guess I'm still getting used to it, though." Heather nodded with a smile, confirming that she understood the journey and making positive changes. He sighed deeply as he took her hands into his lap. "The dreams?" Heather bit her lip, waiting for when he was ready. "You. Lately, so many of them are about you."

"Me?" He nodded. Heather squeezed his hand, "Can you tell me what this one was about?"

Ray glanced up at her, with a crestfallen expression, "You left me again."

Her heart stopped in her chest—Ray must've known. Heather cleared her throat, "Left you how exactly?"

"It was the fire this time. I could see your lifeless body on the ground as we tried to do CPR. But...it didn't work. Just a reminder that even when I ran in to help you, I was the one who couldn't save you."

Heather gasped and held her breath, "You ran into Graybill?" He nodded with a sad defeated grin. "I had no idea. No one told me. Why didn't you?"

"Explain how I couldn't find you?" Ray shuttered, gripping her hands tightly. "You almost died, Heather; I felt like a failure."

Heather couldn't explain what that meant to her. He had tried to get to her, even if he hadn't found her. Ray had searched for her, even after their argument and him calling what had happened between them a mistake. They weren't a mistake; they never would be.

"It means the world to me that you tried, though. I hope you know that." He didn't answer her, so Heather went back to the dream, remembering to focus on the issue at hand. "But damn, I'm sorry you keep reliving it," she whispered. Heather scooted closer to him in the small space. "It was a close call, but I'm okay."

"I never know which one is worse. They're all fucking horrible." Ray let go over her hands and covered his eyes with a groan, "Last night's dream, you fell off the plank, right through my damn fingers."

"The challenge is over, Ray. We both made it out in one piece." Now was definitely not the time to tell him about the weird dummy being thrown at her car. She really didn't want to send him into a nervous breakdown.

"Maybe that's what Panic does to you, though, screws with your mind even after it's over."

Heather sighed, "But the nightmares are only of me?"

"Yeah, and I fuckin' hate it. I'd rather it be me."

She shook her head rapidly—Heather wouldn't want that...never. "No, don't say that. Listen, I know they're probably terrifying as all hell, but I'm okay. See?"

He nodded but didn't look at her. Heather could tell that Ray was still far away in that mind of his. "Ray, I'm here." Heather took his hands and placed them firmly on her shoulders. "Feel me. I'm not leaving you."

Ray finally peered at her. The look reminded her of the day he told her he was scared he was falling in love with her. "Promise?"

It was a double-edged sword making the promise to Ray. If she got accepted into UT, Heather would be leaving him unless he came with her, which she doubted he would. But she had to do something to alleviate his worries, at least for a little while. "I promise, sweetheart."

His lips were on hers before she realized Ray had moved. "I love it when you call me that."

She smiled at his words spoken against her mouth, feeling a small dose of relief. But as he kissed her softly, Heather felt like she could cry at the desperation behind it. As much as she yearned to leave Carp, she was terrified to say goodbye to Ray Hall—the man she loved.

[roxa-sos]

always - john b routledge

john b routledge x kook!reader

tw; a little bit of creepy/sexual assaulty and high rafe :( but it’s mainly fluffy john b

request; “John B request! Where the reader is a really popular kook but she’s a super sweet and doey eyed wholesome kook. And John B has always had a crush on her and when he sees her getting picked on by rafe at a party he has to step in. And John b literally does anything the reader says cause he’s whipped and they fall in love after he saves her and when they date he’s just smitten. And jj and pope make fun of him but he doesn’t care cause he’s so infatuated with his girlfriend. He can’t look away🥺”

a/n -- finally i’m writing something other than fuckin angst. my heart needed a break and i need to write about someone other than jj,, thank u for the request anon :) also this is my third consecutive hour of writing so someone stop me-

you had to be one of the only kooks that wasn’t completely against pogues. your parents were sweet, came into honest money, and you liked to think you were raised right. your best friend was sarah cameron, ex best friend was kiara carrera, you two used to be the three staple kook girls, but that faded away in your freshman year... so it was just you and sarah.

you still talked to kiara sometimes. you didn’t call her kie, you didn’t hang out with her parents anymore, but you still talked when given the chance. she didn’t completely hate you, which was nice. she did hate your best friend though, which was kind of a struggle. 

knowing kiara meant that you knew the other pogues. or, at least, you knew they existed. john b routledge was famous for being a damn orphan, jj maybank was the dumbass that mowed your neighbor’s lawn and told dumb jokes, and pope heyward was the guy who your brother was competing with in school. 

being more... in the middle was nice. but at heart, and at trust-fund, you were a kook through and through. 

you, sarah, and her boyfriend topper always went to those beach parties the pogues brought beer to at the boneyard. you and your little sundress and sandals, you screamed kook, but not many people seemed to notice. or care, at least. you split off from sarah and topper once the three of you hit the sand so that you could go and look for beer. 

“that you, l/n?” you heard john b from behind you, and you spun around to see him - him and the beer keg. 

“yeah!” you didn’t really know why he was pointing you out, but it had to be that you looked like a kid lost in a grocery store while looking for the beer keg. you crossed the section of beach between you two, tossing your hair over your shoulder. “got any spare beer?” you asked nonchalantly, tilting your head to the side ever so slightly. 

john b cracked a smile, nodding before he reached over to grab a plastic cup for you. “always.” he said, filling the cup up and handing it to you. 

“thanks, john b.” you gave him a sweet smile, one that had him absolutely infatuated with you.

what you didn’t know was that this boy always had his eyes on you whenever you made an appearance to the pogues. sometimes you didn’t even notice they were around, but he did. kiara made fun of him for it, but most of them passed it off as a joke. as if you, one of the kook princesses, would date john b routledge. like john b routledge, complete pogue, would actually fall for you, a pure kook. 

“no problem, do yo-” he was about to ask you a question, but you heard topper calling your name from down the beach. 

you thought it was kind of rude to just leave him mid sentence, but he shook his head when you looked back at topper and the kooks, and then back at him. 

“go, go, he’s calling you.” john b assured you that it was fine, even though you hadn’t asked. it must’ve been the way you looked at him, because you really didn’t want to leave him there. 

you left anyways, giving john b a small wave as he turned to jj, who was saying something about how the bandana on his neck looked dumb. 

classic pogues. 

later that night, after you’d been called over by topper, who’d talked to you a little about sarah, you were sitting alone next to the water. everyone else was a little further down the beach, but you liked the quiet. the hem of your dress was a little wet from the water, but it didn’t make much of a difference. it was only about knee length, if that, so it wasn’t the end of the world. 

you could almost feel eyes on you, and you hoped they’d be that pogue’s, but as you turned to make sure nobody was there... someone was. 

sarah’s brother - rafe. rafe cameron. you saw him whenever you and sarah had sleepovers, whenever you went to her house for parties, whenever you went out in public, he was always... there. not usually in a creepy way, though. he was sarah’s brother, after all, and you were usually hanging out with sarah or third wheeling with her and topper. 

he was standing behind you, his eyes out on the horizon. you quickly got up and took a few steps away from him. he was... awkwardly close.

“hey, uh, hey rafe.” you stumbled over your words, greeting him. 

“hey, y/n.” he said in a monotone voice, turning to look at you. his eyes skimmed over your figure, and he shifted so that he could face you. “you look nice. i like that dress.” 

you didn’t really know what to say. “thanks, i borrowed it from sarah.” that was a lie, she’d been borrowing it from you lately, but that didn’t really matter. 

“it’s funny, it feels like i never catch you alone. you’re always next to my sister, or in her room, or wherever with other people. there’s a first time for everything, though.” he took a few steps towards you, getting as close as he’d been before. closing the space you’d made.

“oh, yeah.” you forced a laugh, “sarah is my best friend, so i’m not surprised.” you ignored his phrase of ‘there’s a first time for everything’. 

“having fun? i don’t think it’d hurt if we left a little early.” he jumped to conclusions, which instantly made you uncomfortable. he was too calm. he was either calm or jittery, and it didn’t even change when he was high or not. 

“yeah, i’m fine here. i like the waves, so... i’ll stay.” you were about to take a step back, but he grabbed your forearm. it wasn’t violent, just... eager.

“i don’t know about that, y/n.” he said, pulling you a little closer to him as you tried to wriggle your arm out of his hand. 

“rafe-” you managed in a slightly raised tone as he shushed you, tucking a strand of your hair behind your ear. 

“just let me get a moment with you, jesus.” he spat, tilting your head up towards his. 

you didn’t know what to do, you were frozen out of fear. what did he even have in mind? whatever it was, you didn’t want to figure out what it was, but you couldn’t move. 

“everything good over here, y/n?” you heard a voice from behind you, and rafe immediately moved his hand from your face and dropped it down to hold your hip.

“everything’s fine.” rafe answered for you, looking at who was behind you. it sounded like john b, but you couldn’t tell. 

“that’s nice, but i didn’t ask you. y/n?” it sounded like john b was right behind you, and you were thankful for him being there.

“aren’t we fine, y/n?” rafe said, letting go of your forearm. once his grip was gone, you stumbled backwards. you hadn’t realized you’d been so tense, and you’d been leaning away from him. 

you still didn’t say anything. 

“i’ll take that as a no, so i have to ask you to respectfully back off, rafe.” john b was standing next to you now, and rafe scowled at him. 

“you’re not going to ask me to do anything, damn- damn cut kid,” rafe was angrier now, you were pretty sure he was high. before he could advance towards john b, he moved out of the way, letting rafe move between the two of you. “this is none of your business, why don’t you just-” rafe had laid his hand back on your shoulder like you were his, and that had just... done something to john b. you didn’t know what made him do it, but john b swung an angry punch at rafe, knocking him right down next to you. that caught the attention of topper and sarah, which were the closest people down the beach. topper looked pissed, but sarah stopped him when she saw you standing right there. 

she just... knew. and rafe was on the sand, holding his nose as john b shook his fist, sore from knocking him in the face. john b looked a little surprised himself, but his eyes were right on you once he knew rafe was on the ground. 

for once, rafe stayed there. then topper came running, but you shoved topper away from john b yourself. 

“jesus, topper, rafe was getting all handsy, he’s high, take him home before the cops show up.” you spat at topper, a stern tone in your voice. you weren’t mean to anybody, so that was a surprise. john b wasn’t standing near you guys anymore, he was already making his way back down the beach to stay away from topper.

your best friend’s boyfriend obliged after sarah coaxed him to listen to you, it seemed like the three of you kind of expected this kind of behavior from rafe. 

what you didn’t expect, though, was for a pogue like john b to have your back. 

once topper had hauled rafe and sarah into his jeep, you’d waved them off and told them you’d stick around for a little longer. the tourists had also started to leave, so it looked like the party was dying down. 

“that guy is... kind of an asshole.” john b was back standing next to you as you watched topper’s jeep drive off, and you nodded.

“yeah. it’s weird, he doesn’t usually act like that. towards me, at least.” you still had goosebumps on your skin from having rafe’s hands on you. it was a little fucked up. okay, really fucked up. “thanks for being there, though.” 

not a ton of people stood up for you. you were a kook princess, you got everything you wanted, but not a lot of people saw the downsides to that. since everyone assumed your life was perfect, you got to deal with all of the hard shit - like dealing with creepy guys - on your own. 

“i wasn’t about to let rafe cameron pull shit like that, especially if i was right there.” he laughed like it was obvious that he had to do what he did. 

you two walked back over to the now empty beer keg, talking some more. 

twenty minutes later, jj came walking over, facing away from you so that he could shout things to whoever he was walking away from. 

“everyone’s out, we should head back. i’m not spending the night at the boneyard.” jj spoke to john b before he’d even turned around.

turning around, jj saw you sitting next to john b, your backs propped up on a log, his arm draped over your shoulders and you legs crossed over his. “unless you’re busy here...?” jj sounded a little surprised, but he didn’t sound angry about you being there. 

“oh, uh...” john b trailed off, glancing back at the van the pogues rode around in. it was on the road, through the trees that were behind you guys. “you got a ride home, y/n? or do you want to hang out with us? you’re welcome to. if you want, that is.” john b quickly gave you an array of choices, looking back at you. he’d hate to see you go, not have you tucked up under his arm anymore. 

“i’ll be glad to hang out with you guys if you’ll have me,” you answered, looking from john b to jj. 

“yeah, sure, it’s not my house, i’m cool with it.” jj answered before john b did, tilting the beer keg over to see if anything was left in it. 

“yeah, why don’t you hop in the van - i’ll be right behind you.” john b said, moving his arm so that you could get up. 

walking towards the van, you turned for a second, watching jj give john b two thumbs up and a ridiculous smile. pogues. 

in the van, kiara seemed pretty chill with you being there. you two didn’t have anything bad between you, so it was expected. 

you spent the night at john b’s house - which you came to learn was nicknamed the chateau. even though you asked why, because it sure as hell didn’t look like a chateau, they all just kind of laughed and shrugged.

and you spent the next night at john b’s house.

and the night after that. 

the night after that, too. the next one as well. it was mainly just you and john b hanging out, seeing as jj was always on the porch smoking or in his room with a girl. pope spent most nights at his place with his parents, and kie was always dragged home by her parents. that left you and john b on his couch, talking. it left you and john b in his room, sharing a bed. 

you didn’t really know what you two were until he kissed you one night.

you were sitting on his countertop, he’d sat you there when he picked you up dramatically because you’d dropped your sandal halfway down the beach. everyone had gone home, including jj that night, even though both you and john b protested. it was nice to have him around, but you knew his dad wasn’t great. 

john b had handed you a beer, drinking one himself, and he stood between your legs, talking to you as he watched you drink. once he’d finished his bottle, he rested his hands on your legs, and you’d taken the dive. you leaned forwards and almost locked lips with him, making eye contact, a dumb smile on your face for a moment before closing your eyes and pressing your lips up against his, 

his hands immediately moved up to your waist, pulling you a little closer.

“i’m kind of in love with you.” he admitted later on, when you’d moved to the couch after making out on his counter for a little. you were sitting on his lap, facing him, playing with his hair as he pressed kisses all over your face.

“i guess i am too.” you giggled as he placed a kiss on your jaw. 

you fell asleep in his arms that night, right on the couch. you hadn’t even unfolded the mattress out of it, you were just laying on his chest, his chin resting on the top of your head. 

the sunshine coming through the window and laughter coming from somewhere was what woke you up. 

“dude, i called it.” you heard pope’s voice, before jj’s followed with “i never said they weren’t gonna!” and kie’s stern “you’re gonna wake them up before i get a good photo.” 

you leaned up slightly, making eye contact with john b before turning to see the three other pogues in the middle of his living room, kie’s phone pointed at you and john b, pope and jj poking fun at john b. you buried your face into his chest, laughing a little. 

“could you guys get out for like, ten seconds?” john b whispered, shooing his friends. 

“they’re sweet.” you laughed as soon as they left, complaining about being excluded. 

john b’s lips caught yours before you could continue, giving you a long kiss as he sat up. “they’re annoying.” he corrected you, stroking your hair. “you up to go out on the boat?” he asked, running a hand through his hair. 

“always.” 

a/n -- damn it was kinda fluffy :’) proud of myself,, i’m trash at writing fluff. y’all i am 100% sure that i accidentally wrote ‘john be’ at least ONCE in there bc i’m the worst but i can’t reread it again aonwdonafndekogkf. might write a part two, tell me if u want it :’)

[timextoxhajima]

Member: PWARK SEONGHWAbs

Category: playlist feels one shot

Genre: fluff and smut (idk how this is gonna turn out lol i just couldn’t get the visual of boss/ceo? seonghwa out my head and you’re his secretary and i just--)

Word Count: 5.7k

A/N: if you haven’t noticed by now, most of my one shots/work don’t really have cliche plots? there are certain tropes/cliches that i don’t really like or i’m just not tuned into being comfortable writing them like eg. boss and employee is pretty nasty, that’s why the chaebol juyeon series turned out like that (i’m not gonna spoil it but if you know, you know that y/n wasn’t just an employee.) so in here, i guess it’s not going to be an exception? i don’t know when the day will come that i will write one that is EXTREMELY cliche and be able to be satisfied/happy with it. 

this is the first smut i’m writing for seonghwa; i’ve only been writing it for san and a tiny bit for mingi and the rest’s literally for juyeon ;_; so i hope i don’t butcher it. 

see you on the other side :D

“니 맘 전부 알고 있어”

“I know your heart”

“oh god--” you shove the food on your spoon into your mouth, nearly throwing it on the table just as the music starts ringing in the room, and he was already resting his chopsticks on the bowl. “please don’t--”

“seonghw-- ugh.”

too late.

“forget it, do whatever you want at your own dinner table. i can’t believe you invited me over just so i have to watch you have your own concert,” the food calls you again, and seonghwa acts like he’s in a drama or a music video. 

“have you finished compiling the contracts from the previous year and making sure everything tallied?” he raises a candid brow at you, his hands reaching out to you as the lyrics ran its course. a frown draws into your forehead, and you swat his hand away, reaching for a piece of fried egg instead of watching him act his heart out. 

“i’m still working on it, but i’ll have it in by the end of tomorrow,” the egg finds its way between your teeth and you push some rice in along with it, fingers finding your phone when it lit up.

“wooyoung’s asking if we’re going to hang out anytime soon.”

you look up through your damp hair and glare at seonghwa, hands still flailing around and his torso following along with the movements. 

it really was a wonder you’ve been friends with him since you were teenagers, and somewhere, somehow, some deity really thought making you the secretary of one of your best friends was a good idea.

initially, you were relieved that your boss was someone you knew as well as you did the back of your hand, but within the first six months of being seonghwa’s secretary, you literally couldn’t help yourself from hurling a file at him once in awhile. 

it wasn’t difficult to catch you screaming at him in the office because he passed out from overworking himself, telling him to go home. not because he was taking a nap, but because you found him sprawled across his desk after working through the night.

that was the day everybody in office found out you were friends from the same circle. 

so whenever anybody had the slightest issue or complaint about their boss, they’d come to you in hopes that you would smack -- or yell -- some sense into him. 

seonghwa had his shitty days and it didn’t stop him from being a terrible boss; you could empathise. but otherwise, he’d be strutting around office and annoying the hell out of both you and your colleagues by giving them sweets, to the extent that someone would wonder just how he was the one everybody needed to address as ‘boss’.

“wooyoung? but hongjoong’s overseas and mingi practically vanished off the face of earth. if he wants to have a meal together, he needs to hunt mingi down first,” the fishcake in the soup suddenly contained enough power to make seonghwa stop rolling his chest and send it into his mouth. 

“i’ll tell him no then,” the message sends and you put the phone back down onto the table. “anyway, the security told me when i left the office that the camera in your office is down and they’ll have someone sent over to fix it over the weekend, so they just told me to relay the message to you.”

“why wouldn’t they just email me?”

your tongue digs into the gap between your gum and your upper lip sa you reach for the glass of coke. “i’m pretty sure they’ve given up emailing you, especially since you don’t use that email address often.”

“hey, i have one for office operations and one for business, is that so wrong?” his defensive tone causes his voice to crack and go off tune, striking a funny bone in you despite already hearing it a billion times over. 

“i didn’t say there’s anything wrong, it’s just annoying when you give someone your email but you don’t even check your inbox,” you finish your last spoonful of rice and chicken, downing the soup to wash down the food. “but anyway, point is, don’t do anything dumb in your office.”

he scoffs, finally returning dedicated focus to his food. the food that he bothered to prepare for you before even telling you he was cooking dinner. it made you obligated to show up, else you’d get an earful from him for being ungrateful. 

“name me one dumb thing i could do in my office,” his cat eyes widen and the whites around his pupils glare at you under the lighting. 

“how would i know?” sucking the grains of rice from the hidden spots in your mouth, letting the water droplets on the side of the coke glass run over your nails and drip off the base. “like have a heart attack and pass out tomorrow, if you choose to stay over time?”

seonghwa stretches his legs under the table, and his sock-covered feet jab you in your ankles. a sharp ‘tsk’ slides out from gritted teeth, and he laughs at your reaction. 

“it’s not peak period for companies to be contacting me now, so that probably won’t happen.”

“well, don’t leave your office door unlocked or something, someone could waltz right in and find your shit and that’ll just might be the end of you.”

“honestly, i thought it  would’ve been funnier if you encouraged me to do more dumb things in the office, since there wouldn’t be any footage of it.”

wincing in disgust, your hands wipe the water off the surface of the coke glass and you flick it at him. a loud snicker blocks out the music for a moment when he ducks and uses his arm as a shield. 

“god forsake i recorded that and told the office you said that,” the coke glass empties itself down your throat, and you help yourself out of the seat to help him clear the dishes. 

“it’s a good thing you’re worth trusting then,” you hear him say loud enough for you to hear while you rest the plates in the sink. 

a chair drags across the floor and the soft clinking of the porcelain plates from the dining table mixes with the water gushing out of the tap. 

if you had to describe your friendship with seonghwa, it’d be an open book. 

one of the best things about being friends with him was that he was always mature enough to look past little arguments or conflicts that shouldn’t have an impact on your friendship.

sometimes he was whiny and pouty and it nauseated you, but he was always one to have your back whenever you needed it. his shoulder was always there for you to cry on, not the mention the hugs he gave. 

so why ‘open book’? 

“i’m only worth trusting because you kept my secret and prevented anybody else from blowing shit out of proportion.”

a gentle chuckle rings by your ear, and seonghwa refuses to fill the sink with more dishes while you were still standing there. there wasn’t a time when he’s hosted a dinner and let his guests do the dishes for him. 

the water runs the dishwasher soap off your skin and you step away for him to take over. 

“it didn’t blow out of proportion only because i didn’t tell anybody else,” he turns and flashes his smile at you, and it reminds you of the first time you fell for it. 

you guessed it. 

park seonghwa was the love of your life at some point of time, and he knew. 

in fact, nobody else knew besides the two of you. 

you had made it so painfully obvious that if anybody was observant enough, they’d be able to pick it up. luckily for you, hongjoong was too busy making sure mingi wasn’t sticking a pen down his throat just to prove a point, and seonghwa was the only one who noticed you staring at him. 

so ‘open book’ in some sense... for the both of you. not so much anybody else outside your exclusive friendship.

the fear in your chest and entire body was so overstimulating in that moment he caught you staring at him, with eyes you assumed he would’ve found creepy, that you could’ve cried in that instant. 

it wasn’t likely that he’d stop being friends with you just because you had feelings for him, but it was likely that he’d start distancing himself from you just so he wouldn’t hurt you. 

~~~~~~~~~  FLASHBACK ~~~~~~~~~~~

“don’t fuckin’ let him swallow the pen!” he yells at hongjoong, who was struggling to use his relatively shorter limbs to hold mingi’s long limbs down. your stressed vision was darting back and forth between the little wrestling match and confusion and fear start to swallow you like waves on a stormy day when seonghwa gets out of his seat and walks towards you. 

“come on,” he shows you a hand. everybody was seated in his living room, pizza boxes empty and coke bottles neatly thrown into a trashbag in the corner with the flashes of light from the television brightening the room every few seconds. “let’s go out and grab some fresh air while these two idiots settle themselves.”

seonghwa literally pulls you to your feet, and he must’ve guessed how much shit you thought you were in, for you to require someone else to tear you away from the ground. 

the sliding doors rustle open, and the cool autumn air outside greets you as if to mock you. the street lamps outside his house prevent you from seeing any stars, but you remember why you were out here in the first place.

your fingers find each other, your nails automatically starting to pick and peel at the skin on the other hand as seonghwa pulls the doors shut, muffling the whining and the screeching mingi was polluting his surroundings with. 

your forearms were rested on the surface of the wooden barriers, and your eyes looked dead straight in attempt to avoid his. the wooden barrier creaks, and you catch a glimpse of his hands gripping the rough surface, his torso leaning over it at an angle so he could meet your eyes without needing to shift you.

the thumping and racing in your chest was so rapid and aggressive, you wish you were dead instead. your lips parted, already prepared to say sorry and get the hell out of his life before he breaks your heart first.

“seonghwa, i--”

“no, it’s okay,” his voice was gentle in the almost-quiet atmosphere. “i was already suspecting it, and you only confirmed it.”

the blood rushes from your feet into your face, and your knuckles whiten from the amount of effort you channeled into holding the wooden barriers to support yourself. the last thing you wanted to do was to pass out infront of him. 

“i know you don’t feel the same, but i don’t want this to ruin our friendship,” mustering enough courage, you turn to him and lock pleading eyes with his. 

“well, neither do i. i wish i could ignore it, and if you were just any other girl, i wouldn’t have bothered having this conversation with you,” he turns and leans his lower back against the wooden boards. “but it’s you and you’re one of the few things i can’t risk losing.” 

silence. 

“this friendship is more important than whether or not you reciprocate. so even if you did, i’d be terrified to even start one with you... in fear that we’d break up and everything prior wouldn’t mean anything,” the words roll of your tongue with such fluidity, it surprised you even more than it did for seonghwa. 

“if that’s the case, then i’m relieved,” he pushes himself off the wooden planks and digs his fingers into the top of your head, ruffling your hair. “i don’t want our friendship to finish so pathetically either, so i take it that you want this conversation to be just between us?”

the nerves in your body tell you to nod, and you carry it out before the thoughts even get processed.

a weak smile curls his lips upwards, and he removes his hand from your head. “okay. you have my word.”

~~~~~~~~ NOW ~~~~~~~~~

so just like that. 

you and seonghwa made a silent deal never to tell anybody, and you made an effort to shove your feelings for him so far down your heart, you think you might’ve shat it out into a random toilet bowl in the last six years or so. 

“anyway,” you recall how you even got to this part of the conversation. “so don’t do anything remotely dumb in the office. if anybody encourages you to do it, i’ll murder them myself.”

his teeth glimmer in the light and the water starts running its way through the bubbles and foam on his hand and the plates in the sink. 

you stay long enough to remind seonghwa not to do anything stupid in his office the next day and to lock the door whenever he wasn’t in, at least five times over. seonghwa forces you to eat some strange concoction of ginseng and peach juice before you had to run out the door and straight home. 

the next day at work passed strangely quicker, and much quieter than you thought. 

seonghwa didn’t spend much time outside you office, and your colleagues handling external liaisons were busy too. it wasn’t difficult to figure out that despite seonghwa saying that companies wouldn’t be approaching him for new partnerships, one big one must’ve come by to keep him in his little box in the corner of the floor. 

but more often than not, being seonghwa’s secretary made you feel obligated to stay until he actually chased you home. and even if he did, you’d try to peel him away from his workspace too, well aware that he’d probably spend the night in his office if you didn’t.

today wasn’t an exception. 

the last external liaison officer left the office and waved goodbye to you, leaving you at your desk in the cubicle nearest to seonghwa’s office. 

you gather the contract summaries and place them into a clear file, throwing your phone into your suitcase and pulling your blazer over your shoulders. after you hand him the contract administration file, you’re going to make sure he went home today, even if it meant shoving him off his seat. 

you stretch out your arms to straighten the sleeves of the blazer, one hand clutching onto your suitcase and the other holding the file. turning off the light at your desk left seonghwa’s office light as the last remaining source of illumination of the area. 

“seonghwa,” you call out, trapping the file between your elbow and your rib as you knocked on the door.

“door’s open,” his voice sounded so tired and strained, you wish you could scold him for being so hardworking, but that was just the way he is.

“i thought i told you to lock the door,” seonghwa’s eyes were plastered to the computer screen, sheets of paper strewn about on the desk. usually you’d be surprised, given how neat and organised seonghwa had to be. but since this must’ve been one hell of a contract, you could understand that he lost some of his bearings. 

“i’m in the office, there’s no reason for me to lock it,” his eyes tear away from the screen and look down at the papers. 

the office smelled like febreeze, which you already were used to. seonghwa sighs a loud sigh and he gets out of his seat, stretching his limbs while you walk around to his desk, placing the file down and picking up some of the sheets he was just looking at. 

you drop your suitcase to your feet and your eyes naturally begin to skim through the brand new contract he spent the entire day obsessing over. seonghwa shifts and you hear his shoes pace up and down the space behind you, probably trying to get the blood circulation going from the hours of sitting down. 

the lamp sitting on his desk illuminates the papers in your hands into a bright white, and the printed black words become so much shinier under it. 

“oh? samsung?” your eyes widen slightly at the name printed on the sheet. “no wonder you’ve been in here the whole day.”

he hums, and you start to feel his torso looming over you from behind. 

“what else do you have to do though?” you flip through the sheets, and he pushes your hair aside, his fingers lightly brushing against the skin under your ear. 

“not funny, seonghwa,” the frown deepens into your forehead when you notice all the sheets had already been filled up. “are you clearing emails? if you’ve filled up the contract sheets then there’s no reason for you to be her--”

the pressure on your lower back combined with the soft breathing on your neck cuts off the oxygen from your nose to your lungs. the air hitting your skin causes goosebumps to erupt all over your skin, and you start to cringe from the ticklish sensation. you flinch and your shoulder shrugs up to your ear as you turn around, taken aback to realise he was standing right behind you, barely giving you any space to turn. 

“uh...” the air was eerily still, and there was a strange look in his eyes that you don’t find familiar. your rear rests against the edge of the desk, and you pass the sheets to your left hand, right hand reaching up to wave it infront of seonghwa’s face. “are you okay?” 

“i’m more than fine,” gently wrapping his fingers around your palm, you raise a brow in confusion. 

you sigh and return the sheets back to the middle of the desk, hand still in his. “you look like you’re going to pass out, is there anything wrong?” 

naturally, your other hand finds his, and you pat the back of his hands like you were petting a dog.

“i need to ask something, and you gotta promise to answer me honestly,” there was a hint of fear and anxiety in his voice, and you didn’t like it. 

nonetheless, he was one of your best friends and he wouldn’t ever hurt you, no matter what he said.

he was probably going to ask something you would find offensive.

“alright,” you release his hands and cross your arms over your chest. “hit me.”

seonghwa shoves both his hands into his pocket and straightens his back, the change in posture making him look taller than what you were used to seeing. 

“do you still feel the same?”

the muscles in your neck snap your head backwards, and both eye brows lift themselves further away from your eyes. a small snort escapes your nose, and you start to nibble on your thumb. 

“‘still feel the same’? about what? about what happened seven years ago in your living room?” 

the smile doesn’t disappear from your lips, and it only gets wider when seonghwa nods. 

“park seonghwa,” you chortle, lifting your hand up to his forehead and pressing so hard into his skull that his head tilts backwards. “are you sure you’re okay? because i’m pretty sure that’s your juiced-out brain talking.”

one foot was already turned to walk out from between him and the desk, but he slams his left hand onto the surface of the expensive wood, and the loud slap of skin against wood startles you. 

your head whips to the left to look at him, and it dawns on you that he wasn’t messing with you. not a single feature on his face twitched, and you could see his soul crawling out of his eyes and threatening to squeeze into yours. 

“an honest answer.”

the most vital organ in your body starts to race, and the sensation yanks you back seven years to when seonghwa figured it out for himself. 

you haven’t felt the same kind of panic and worry since then. 

“i’d like to believe i’ve gotten over you, why?” the neurons in your brain struggled a little to piece that sentence together. 

“so it’s not a definite ‘no’?”

straightening yourself, you pat down your blazer and jab a finger into his shoulder. “did you not hear a word i just said?” 

“y/n,” this time he grabs your wrist, and you could feel the groves and bones of his fingers. “it was a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ question.”

a pause, and you start hearing your heart in your ears. 

“do you still feel the same?”

everything inside you screams ‘no’, but you were well aware that if you had to even convince yourself that that was the case, then it was obvious the answer is ‘yes’. you start screeching at yourself in your own head, knowing that if you kept quiet any longer, seonghwa’s sharp eyes and extreme situational awareness was going to help him crack the code. 

“i--”

“so it’s a ‘yes’.”

fuck me.

“seonghwa, let me explain, okay? it’s not that i didn’t try, i’m just letting those... stupid feelings wear away on its own,” you writhe yourself out his hold and he releases you, but you couldn’t prepare yourself for what he said or did next. 

“there’s nothing to explain, just let your heart tell you what’s good for you.”

there wasn’t a single cell inside you that could tell you why you were so scared, so when seonghwa cups your cheeks with his hands and presses his lips against yours, the realisation pulls your eyes wide open. 

red and white sirens go off violently in your head like declarations of war, and your palms press flat against his chest to push him back.

“what are you-- seonghwa, if you think this is funny, then you need to know that it’s not. at all.”

“no, please, i didn’t mean to make you think i’m messing with you,” his eyes soften, and you were relieved to realise that the seonghwa standing in front of you right now was the one you recognised.

“really? because if we weren’t friends for like ten years, i’d think you’re just another playboy.”

seonghwa offers a weak chuckle, and he rubs the back of his neck in embarrassment. you take a few deep breaths to steady your heart, the mind-boggling situation not exactly resting in a comfortable spot in your head. 

“is that how you really see me? a playboy?” he raises a brow with mischief, and the slowly diminishing gap between the two of you alarms your senses all over again. 

“i’m well aware of how the girls in school used to look at you,” his breath starts to hit your upper lip again, and the hairs on the back of your neck stand. 

“okay, but that was seven years ago,” you watch with the slightest pinch of horror when his hands run up your arms and rest on your shoulders. “but now we’re both adults and i’m sure you’re mature enough to understand your own feelings, regardless of what i was treated as in school.”

“could you hurry up and get to the point?” you frown when he leans in again, your head slowly inching backwards. “all this beating around the bush is going to piss me off and i’m going to leave you here alone and go home.”

the sound of his laughter landed in your ears like music, and you let it run through you that it was one of the many things that led you to fall for him. 

“okay, well...” he licks his lips ever so subtly, and he tilts his head so you didn’t need to. “if you still have feelings for me then i want you to know that i have feelings for you too.”

the confession rests on your skin like a layer of silk, and your eyes somehow become comfortable closing this time round. 

he tasted exactly the way you’d expect him to: strawberries.

your hands were still awkwardly gripping the edges of the table, so when he finds them and pulls them around his own neck, that was when you lost all sense of reality. 

you couldn’t decide between kissing him because you still had feelings for him or because you’ve spent so much time being comfortable around him, some part of you felt so at home.

the line was so thin that you physically felt it disappear. 

the thought of it was kind of messed up, but it was seonghwa, the one who stayed your friend despite knowing you had feelings for him, the one who stayed and protected you by not telling anybody else. 

not wooyoung, not hongjoong, not mingi. 

the feeling of your entire existence, and the last seven years, melt into that kiss was so heartfelt, and it may have been your feelings for seonghwa talking, but his lips against yours felt like heaven-born puzzle pieces meant for each other. 

seonghwa picks you up and places you on the desk, the kisses soft and gentle, and his fingers on your cheek made you feel like heaven all on its own.

if hongjoong were here, you just know he was going to yell at the two of you for choosing intimacy over your friendship, but for two people who had mutual feelings for each other, there wasn’t much anybody could do about it. 

seonghwa breaks the kiss and he gives you a gorgeous smile, the sight shoving a hundred butterflies into your stomach while the strawberry taste lingers on your lips. 

“tell me if you’re uncomfortable--”

“we’re in the office--”

“camera’s not working.”

a small scoff runs off your tongue, and he dips his nose into your neck. kisses the weight of feathers land on your skin, and your heart starts running through your chest like it was in a competition. his hands push your legs open, the sudden jerk shooting little bolts of shock up your spine.

whines start to drip over your lips upon the kisses on your neck, and seonghwa drags his palms up your thighs, the pressure slightly but never overwhelming.

he wraps his arms around your waist when he returns his attention to your lips, pulling you so close to him that your chest was pressed against his, and your nose starts to pick up on his scent. 

your weight begins to shift backwards as his hands messily push all the things on his table to the side, laying you on your back but never once breaking the kiss. 

“this is so not okay,” you huff embarrassedly, arm finding your forehead when he pulls away. you heard him gulp, and it reminds you that he must be as anxious as you were, if not even more.

“are you really okay with letting me do this?” he presses a kiss into your cheek, fingers caressing your knees that he held on either sides of his hips. “you can say no, and we’ll be fine. we let it go once, we can let it go again.”

the look in his eyes were so dangerously comforting, you felt your mind glitch a little trying to process them. seonghwa was so genuine and sincere about your feelings that it made you nauseous. the pricetag the both of you were putting on tonight was your friendship. 

one wrong move and it could all go down the drain.

“i’m okay as long as i know that you’ll still be here, even if anything goes wrong.”

seonghwa looks at you with slightly sorrowful eyes, before he kisses you again, and the amount of comfort and promise that you absorbed from it was enough to make you tear up. 

“i’ll never leave you, even if we aren’t a couple and if we’re just friends... even if we stop talking fifty years down the road, i’ll still want you to be by my side in the afterlife.”

your nose sours at his little speech, and your heart shatters without warning. pulling him back to your lips, you kiss him like life was going to tear him away from you. 

seonghwa drinks your love and need for affection with ease, fingers trailing down your stomach and under your skirt to play with the rims of your underwear. 

fingers slide under the material and he smiles into the kiss when he realises your body needed him more than you’d like to admit. you would’ve slapped him across the face if he pulled away just to tease you, but he doesn’t.

he swallows a loud groan from you when he slips a finger in, and your grip around his shoulders tighten upon the blissful sensation. 

your fingers start to fumble with the dress shirt he was wearing under his blazer, and bit by bit, the whiteness of his skin start to remind you of milk. 

seonghwa removes his finger and sucks it like a lollipop, his eyes flying up to the dress shirt around your chest and he does the same for you. 

you couldn’t contain the mewls that slipped through your teeth when he undoes enough buttons to expose your cleavage, and the kisses on the curves of your breast felt like you were already one foot into the afterlife. 

the last button on his dress shirt comes undone, and you marvel at his torso. for a split second, you felt so proud you fell for him not because of his face or body, but because of his personality. yet, now with the knowledge that he looked like that under the layers of clothes, it was too difficult a task to hide the lust that overcame you almost instantaneously.

“hold your horses, kitten,” he pulls away from your chest, at the same time removing your underwear from under your skirt. your eyes involuntarily lock with his, and again, you couldn’t recognise them.

“who are you and what have you done to park seonghwa?” you mock him in attempt to calm your own bundle of nerves. a smirk pulls his lips up in the corner, and he yanks you to the edge of the table where his groin was dangerously near your exposed core. 

“i’m yours and he’ll come back once i’m done with you.”

you throw your head back into the table when he kneels down, and his tongue finds your sensitive nub. your fingers run through your own hair when he starts flicking against you, occasionally lapping your dripping neediness up. he doesn’t push into you, which was both frustrating and pleasuring at the same time. 

you start to lose your grip on reality, and just as you were about to protest against him being such a tease, he removes his face from your south and begins undoing his belt. 

your lids were droopy with lust, and watching him undo the button and zipper of his pants made it so much more worth it. 

“i wish i knew this day was coming,” you whisper to him as he leans over you again, one arm holding his torso above you and the other, you assume, pulling his underwear low enough to release himself from the material. 

“so you can tell the girls that you’re having sex with me in the office?”

the line sounded so lewd, blood began rushing both down to your south and up to your cheeks.

“what, you’re shy now?” the brow he raises was so smug, you would’ve bitten down on his bottom lip if you didn’t suddenly gasp when he plunged into you without warning. 

your chin tilts so sharply towards the ceiling, he had to pull it back down for him to shove his tongue into your mouth, and a pinch of pain seeps through your entrance into your thighs. 

the harsh, rougher kisses were pulling inappropriate noises out from your throat, and he starts thrusting into you when he assumes you’ve gotten used to him. his right hand was supporting his weight by the side of your head, and his left palm was gripping onto your thigh with such immense strength, you were sure he was going to leave marks by the time you were done. 

seonghwa finally pulls away, beads of sweat forming on his forehead and his pants becoming more apparent. your arms grip onto the edge of the desk above your head, and tears start to form in your eyes when the pain completely dissolves into pleasure and bliss. 

“my pretty, pretty, secretary,” he huffs into your ear and licks the edge of your skin, the contact sending you over an edge and the friction in your abdomen drilling dirty thoughts into your head. 

“seonghwa--” the thrusts get deliberately harder and rougher, the sudden bucking of his hips enough to jerk the entire table. “oh-- shit--”

the tip of him starts to ram into a magical spot inside you, and your eyes roll into the back of your head when he doesn’t stop.

“be a good girl and come for me.”

every word literally gets hammered into you, and it sends you into an abyss of bright light while your legs shiver in ecstasy, and seonghwa pulls out shortly after, his speed allowing him to grab some napkin from the corner of his table so that he wouldn’t release anywhere on his desk. 

you struggle to catch your breath, and seonghwa reaches over to clean you off the table. 

“oh, no,” you cover your mouth and give a painful chuckle. 

“what is it?” his voice was soft and smooth again, and the gears in your head stop to process that this was the same person who just called you a good girl a few moments ago.

he pulls your hand away and gives you a light kiss on your lips, eyes scanning your face with worry and concern. 

“i told you not to do anything dumb, but i ended up doing it with you.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A/N: WHOO ok that was kinda long for a one shot. anyway, it’s super mellow compared to what i did for pilot juyeon so i hope you (smut)readers don’t mind heh. i’m still working on HOSTIS chapter 2, so look out for it! it should be up any time in the next few days. 

thank you for reading, and stay safe!!

- love, dana

[thewalkingdead-imagines]

Negan Imagine ~ “Exile”

Summary: After months of surviving the apocalypse together in the wilderness and finally taking the next step in their relationship, the Reader wakes up to find Negan gone, only a note of him left...

Request: Imagine inspired by “Exile” by Taylor Swift (lyrics can be found at the end!) Enjoy!

Night was slowly but surely falling over the campsite, only the flickering light of the campfire nearby enlightening the darkness. From afar, you could see the guard sitting at the flames, poking into the coal while some more sparks flew into the air, lightning up for a moment until they melted into one with the dark. You shifted over the makeshift bed in the large car that served as your bedroom for now, cuddling into the couple pillows you’d been able to get a hold on in the cabin, where some of the others were sleeping. It had been about three days since this place was your newest home, equipped with the small cabin by a calm river, some abandoned cars, overgrown beets that must’ve once been used for vegetables and an old but functioning outdoor shower that only an hour ago splattered clear water onto your skin and had reminded you of those little daily luxuries from before that you were truly missing. A rustling sound echoed through the night, loud enough for your instincts to kick in and let you jolt up, just to see a tall figure rounding the car, his silhouette enlightening for a moment in the warm light of the camp fire before he got to the lid of the car. A click sounded through the air before the lid slowly opened and Negan glimpsed right at you, a grin spreading over his face while his still slightly wet hair was falling into his face. “Welcome back to our luxurious suite”, you chuckled as you shuffled a little to the side, making enough room for him to crawl inside. “Good to be back”, he grinned with a wink as he climbed into the car, closing the lid behind him before he moved to your side. “Oh this is so fuckin’ comfy”, Negan groaned as he let himself fall next to you into the sheets, sleepily grinning at you as he cuddled into one of the pillows „Mhmm“, you mumbled, moving to lay on your side to face him in the dim light,“You think we can stay here a little longer?“ “I hope so, I’m digging that shower!”, he laughed, grasping the edge of the large blanket that was hugging you to tuck himself in as well. “Me too”, you mumbled with a chuckle as a wider grin formed on Negan’s lips. “Yeah I could tell, you took forever”, he said, tease swinging through his deep voice, provoking you just enough to shove his chest playfully. “Wow, says the right guy”, you laughed, grinning at him while he moved to take your hand that had just landed on his body into his hand to give it a small squeeze, ”how long have you just been there?” He just shook his head, still keeping your hand in his, enough to let a wave of warmth wash over you before a good bit of roguishness started to mix into his glance.“Y’know to save some water we could just shower together next time.” “Oh god”, you called out with a groan, a laugh rumbling through you as you glimpsed at him,”Your pick up lines have been more creative before, that’s some fuckboy shit.” “‘Cause that was no pick up line that was a serious offer!”, he defended himself, though the grin he was temporarily trying to suppress kept tugging at the corners of his mouth. “Sure”, you snickered with a nod, still feeling how the warmth was lulling you more in the longer he held onto you. “You should come here”, Negan mumbled as he tugged softly on you hand and glimpsed at the spot right next to him with another grin,”Unless you wanna hop under the shower together after all.” “Guess Martin’s there now, bet he wouldn’t find that so funny”, you responded with a chuckle, trying to keep the heat that was rushing into your body as well as your mind under control that would be too happy to imagine Negan under the shower now, while you scooted over to him into your usual sleeping spot. “Oh he’d get one hell of a show, can’t imagine he’d complain about that”, Negan rasped against your skin as soon as you cuddled against him, feeling him wrapping his arms around you and giving your waist a soft but teasing squeeze. You chuckled once more, part of you trying to cover up how much effect his voice and his words had on you while you hooked your leg over his hip, cuddling a little closer to his side while a deep, content growl tumbled through Negan’s chest. It took seconds for this warm, comfy feeling to set in, allowing you to feel safe  right there in his arms. He had that ability to make you feel safe like no other and you couldn’t even pinpoint why, he just needed to put his arms around you and you felt safe, just like now, even though you were sleeping in a car in the middle of the woods. You’d known when he’d joined the groups nearly a half year ago that he surely was someone special, with that very specific kind of humor and the colorful language of his but you hadn’t thought that he’d become to you what he was now; one of the very most important people to ever step into your life. You’d barely been able to open up to anyone after losing all your loved ones right at the start of the shit show, after having to helplessly see them being torn apart, but Negan had been able to help you get some of the parts back you’d thought you’d lost forever. You could trust again, you could belly laugh again, you could truly bond again and feel pure happiness stream through your body. He’d become your homeland, your best friend, your very own safe haven and you knew that you were his too. You could feel Negan pressing a soft kiss against your temple, letting a warm wave wash over your back while you leaned a little into his touch, enjoying the softness of his lips and the roughness of his stubbly beard. That’s how far you’d gone until now, cuddling, teasing and kisses to your forehead. You wanted more, fuck you wanted way more but there was a small part of you that had told you to go slow for the longest time, though it was becoming smaller and smaller with each touch of Negan and by now, it was barely existent anymore.  You moved in, feeling how Negan’s hand grasped yours and caressed it softly, taking it fully into his as your eyes dropped down to the back of his hand and his knuckles where small, nearly faded scars, that had been boasting wounds months ago covered his skin.  “They’re almost gone”, you mumbled, gently rubbing your thumb over the light scars remembering the night he got them vividly. It was shortly after he had joined and while you’d felt drawn to him from the beginning, this night had given you a first true possibility to feel safe with someone again.  It had stormed so badly back then, leaving your group running through the dark forest in hope to find shelter from the dead and the forces of nature. You could still remember being split off with Negan from the rest as a group of walkers approached, could see yourself tripping in the dark, wet underwood on a hillside that left you tumbling down to its foot, with sprained ankles that didn’t allow you to run from the dead. He’d stayed with you, even though he’d barely known you at this point, knowing very well that he’d had to fight the dead alone if he wouldn’t leave you, and risk his own life. He’d killed them all, one by one with his bat that was all wet from the rain that let it slip more than just once in his hands, slitting parts of his hands with the barbed wire that was covering it, leaving his knuckles bloody. He hadn’t stopped once, hadn’t attempted to flee once and leave you alone regardless of how risky it got and once they were all laying dead on the muddy ground, he’d propped you and helped the both of you get back to the rest.  You sure had to deal with the sprained ankles for longer than you liked and the agony they had given you had been a pain in the ass, but besides that, this night had given you the chance to finally feel like you could fully start to count on someone again and be sure that they wouldn’t leave you, regardless of how tricky the situation got. Negan was there, he’d always been there after that night, growing your trust until the both of you were as good as inseparable.  “Hmm”, you could hear him mumble, squeezing your hand softly back while you still glimpsed at his large hand around yours.  “Y’know I know you can take care of yourself“, he started, keeping your hand in his as he spoke back up, ”But hell, if another situation like that would come up, I’d do it all over again. Even if those damn scars wouldn’t fade”, He mumbled, just before another chuckle left his lips “I guess they actually make me look like the dangerous motherfucker I am huh?“ „Very dangerous“, you laughed, though a wide smile was pressing into the corners of your lips while you moved a little up, enough to glimpse at him in the dim light. “I meant it though“,he said, moving his hand from yours to stroke some loose strands of your hair back while some more heat began to rise in your body the longer his eyes stayed fixed on yours, a smirk growing on his face once more,“Always gonna be there, ready to fuck anybody up who wants to mess with my girl.“ “I know”, you mumbled, trying to not show too much what these last two words were doing to you when they slipped out of his lips,”I’m always gonna be there for you too. We’re a team.“ Negan nodded slowly, his fingers still caressing slightly through your hair while the small grin stayed stuck on his lips. "We‘re gettin‘ sappy now, huh?“, he grinned, a rough laugh falling from his lips while you could tell that your body was responding more and more to his touch, to the feeling of his body pressing against yours and the feelings of how his rough fingertips stroke slowly through your hair.  „I don’t mind it“, you mumbled, your eyes still staying fixed on his as his hand moved down to caress his thumb along your jaw before it traveled to the back of your neck, curling his palm around it while his fingertips kept circling over your skin. Slowly but surely he started to let your heart pump faster as nearly instinctively your hand started to move from the spot on his warm chest up to his jaw, almost mirroring his movements earlier as your fingertips teased over the short salt and pepper stubble.  You could feel yourself holding your breath as both of your gazes were fixed on one another and the tension that had lingered for the longest between you started to sky rocket. Your body started to tingle, the longing of more of him started to become even stronger as his eyes started to drop to your lips, letting your heart jump as you could feel him putting a gentle pressure onto the back of your neck, careful and just enough to slowly guide you down to him. You let him, moved almost instinctively closer as his warm breath started to softly hit your skin, giving you the feeling that right now, right here was the perfect time to finally take things further. Your mind shut down, handing you over to your instincts and the longing within you as you closed your eyes and could finally feel Negan’s lips brushing against yours, soft at first, as if part of him was trying to make sure that you were fully on board.  And like hell you were.  You hummed into him as you first felt his lips against yours, their softness combining perfectly with the roughness of his stubbly beard while heat streamed through your body, allowing you to dive deeper into the beautiful trance Negan’s lips were putting you into. He groaned against you as his kisses grew hungrier, going from soft and careful to longing and more demanding while you moved closer, caressing your fingers over his jaw. He was leading you, taking all possible insecurities away as he was kissing you loving and rough at the very same time intensifying the excited tingle all over your body until you were out of breath. You were shivering, laying still half on top of him as your foreheads rested against one another, trying to catch your breath again while Negan’s fingers still caressed over your skin and you still couldn’t fully believe what had happened. “Shit, I’ve wanted to do this for so long”, Negan mumbled still heavily breathing against your skin as soon as he got his speech back, already slowly pulling you back down to him, enough to caress his lips over yours again, hungrier with every passing second. You immediately melted back against him as he kept you in this little bubble of happiness and tightened his embrace while he slowly started to roll you on your back, underneath him. You hummed as soon as you felt his weight pressing in on you, felt his hand moving to your jaw, his thumb brushing over your cheek while your fingers entangled in his dark curls. You were filled with pure happiness, felt so unbelievable comfortable and excited while his caresses felt so new and familiar at the very same time.  For a second, Negan’s lips left yours, still hovering over them as the urge within you moved up to get some more of his intoxicating kisses. “Someone wants some more”, Negan groaned against your lips as you let out a chuckle. “Mhmm”, you mumbled, already feeling his lips pressing against yours again as you let out another hum,”Is that bad?” “You’re kidding me? It’s the fuckin’ opposite of bad”, he halted for a moment, moving away just enough to glimpse roguishly at you, licking his lips before he winked at you. “Looks like my pick up lines worked after all, Sweetheart”, he chuckled, squeezing your waist teasingly,”Creative or not.” “Oh don’t get too cocky”, you mumbled back, shaking your head with a small laugh as you leaned back in, a bit more confident now as Negan dipped his head back down to you and met your lips with another kiss. Just then you fully understood that this was real, that you were actually kissing Negan, that this wasn’t a dream. As soon as you felt his lips back on yours you allowed him to wrap you up in his scent and touch while you let yourself completely fall, more and more with each kiss. You were in love with him, there really was no way to deny it anymore. You were utterly and deeply in love with him and all these kisses only made you realize it more and more with each further touch.  You stayed like this, entangled with one another, kissing and relishing in each other, releasing all the tension that had build up during this whole last time until you found yourself wrapped up in his arms, with his lips brushing against your forehead and his fingers caressing over your skin. You could barely think of any other moment you’d felt so at ease and happy, almost overwhelmed with positive emotions that kept you in some kind of hazy high. And slowly, you started to fall asleep in his arms, cozied up to him and relaxed, as if you weren’t laying in the back of a car in the middle of the woods but the safest place on earth.

Your sleep was calm and deep as it could be until Negan’s softly shifting body started to wake you up, feeling the tension that was laying over him that was usually only present when yet another nightmare had struck either of you. You shifted a bit, still half asleep as you slowly opened your eyes and could hear him letting out a tense breath. “You’re okay?”, you mumbled drowsily, cuddling a little closer up to him while a small yawn slipped out of your lips. “Yeah”, he mumbled, nodding slowly before he pressed a soft kiss to your forehead,”Just woke up for a moment.” “Nightmare again?”, you asked, glimpsing a little up at him as you could feel him shaking his head a little. “Nah, not this time”,his drowsy voice mumbled back before he brushed his lips against your skin again and pulled you a little closer ,”It’s all good, bet I’m gonna fall right back asleep. Just need ya to c’mere” “Alright, that’s doable”, you mumbled with a small, sleepy chuckle back, leaning a little in to press a kiss against his stubbly jaw before you nuzzled your nose back into the warm curve of his neck, and huddling closer up to him. “Sleep tight, Sweetheart”, you heard him mumble lowly, his warmth and scent already getting you back to this comfy bubble that allowed the sleep to slowly wash back over you. For another moment, you waited, assuring yourself that he didn’t have something to talk about after all before you could feel him smoothing your body against his once more, while let your hand caress softly over the center of his broad chest, figuring that simply staying cuddled up to him would be the best way to help him right now. “You too”, you only mumbled then, your voice a bit muffled as you got lulled into the comforting darkness of sleep, little by little until it had fully wrapped itself around you and pulled you into its depths. 

Soft sunlight was falling through the windows of the car as you started to drift out of your sleep, shifting uncomfortably over the sheets, irritated by the lack of Negan’s warmth around you. Tensing your brows confusedly you opened your eyes, slowly getting used to the early morning light while a yawn left your lips. “Negan?”, you mumbled drowsily, still not completely conscious as your sleepy glance started to search for him only to find yourself alone in the car. Grumbling irritatedly to yourself you slowly started to sit up, glimpsed around you and outside of the car, spotting part of your group, about four of the others, who were already sitting around the now extinguished campfire, eating some breakfast while the rest was likely still sleeping in the tents and the cabin. Negan wasn’t among them, which just let you assume that he’d simply made a trip to the makeshift-bathroom and had tried to not wake you up in the process. Shrugging and guessing that he was likely about to come back to you in a little you rubbed your eyes and let yourself sink back into the pillows, deciding to get some more sleep as long as you had the chance before your eyes caught a small piece of folded paper laying on his side of the mattress. Furrowing your brows confusedly you reached towards the sheet, grabbing it as another yawn slipped out of your lips. You folded it open, not thinking much of it before your eyes wandered over the words in its middle, and from one moment to another, those words turned your world upside down.

I’m sorry, I really am But it’s better like this, believe me You’re better off this way

Nausea flooded your body, tightening your ribcage and throat, cutting off your breath as you stared at the sentences and felt an unbearable ache traveling down your arms, letting you shake vehemently as soon as you started to realize what was happening. He was gone. Negan was gone. He had left you.  For just another moment you hoped that this was a bad joke, that he would pop up by the car and yell that he was just joking but as you started to tremble harder and looked panicked around the car, you found all his stuff missing, from his beloved bat to his backpack. He was gone. ”No, no...”, you mumbled shaking to yourself, grabbing the paper tighter as the lump in your throat grew bigger, forcing you to wince while only the shock that was stuck in you kept you from breaking out in tears. You started to read his words over and over again, found your glance swaying to the other parts of the paper that had been written onto but had been completely blacked out by uncountable black pen lines, only leaving his final version plastered in the middle. You couldn’t understand what was going on.  You couldn’t get it.  He’d kissed you last night. Everything had been as perfect as it could be. You’d been happy, right? He couldn’t be gone. He just couldn’t.  You both were too close for him to just leave you out of the blue, vanish without any explanation and force you to never be able to see him again. He was your closest confidant, your best friend, the man you’d fallen for, and you’d thought that he felt the same about you. He wouldn’t do this to you, right? He knew how scared you were of losing someone else close to you, he knew how afraid you were of being abandoned. He wouldn’t do this to you, right? But he wasn’t here to prove it, instead, everything around you in these moments forced you to believe the opposite and slowly but surely realize that your worst nightmares were starting to become true. Negan was gone. He had packed his things while you’d slept. He had written this poor excuse of a note in what looked like the matter of a few minutes and then, then he’d left you. You felt like you were stuck in an impuissance, in a bubble of powerlessness, half of you unsure if this all was truly happening as this all rather felt like a bad film while the other half was already drowning in pain.  Your head was a total mess, your mind trying to make sense of all the intimate moments you’d shared with Negan in the past, with your growing relationship and the countless moments of closeness, and the situation you were confronted with right in these very moments.  How could he just leave you? After everything that had happened between the both of you, how could he just leave you out of the blue? ”Morning”, you suddenly heard a voice sound muffled through the closed lid of the car, letting you flinch up and shoot your eyes towards Tony, who was knocking softly on the window and lowered his head a little to glimpse inside, check if you were already awake. By the confused way he looked you could tell that he was expecting two people instead of just one to sit inside the car, and you could see him shaking his head softly before he reached down to open the lid up.ing  ”Morning, where’s Negan?”, he asked, stroking his blonde curls back to keep them from falling right into his face while you stared at him like a deer in headlights, still shaking. “He’s gone”, was all you could get to slip out of your lips, still holding onto the note as if your life depended on it while Tony’s brows started to furrow, as if he couldn’t quite get what was happening either. “What-” A blood-freezing scream cut him right off and spread a whole other tension all over your body within mere seconds. You grabbed your knife and shot outside of the car, only in your sleeping clothes and on bare feet as you followed Tony to the source of the screams and the nervous voices that started to mix with them, only to feel your heart skip another beat as you saw their source.  Pam was laying on the ground, clutching her throat as blood kept spewing out of the curve of her neck, turning her whole figure red while Thom dragged his knife out of the dead walker’s skull beside her.  “No...no!”, she gasped, her voice rasp and breathy, barely audible while you could see Janice moving in to hold her shaking body and heard the rest storming towards you. You stood there, like glued to the ground while you couldn’t fully get what was happening, could only feel new tears shooting into your eyes as you saw your friend bleeding out, still gasping for air though you knew that each one could be her last. Your dizziness got worse, everything around you became a blur again, the voices, the situation that played out in front of your eyes before loud, deadly growls ripped you out of your trance.  From one moment to another you could see walkers coming closer, attracted by the screams as they shuffled through the trees towards you. They ripped the safety lines of wire that were spun around the trees apart with their strength as a group, pushing further and while your head still didn’t get what was happening, your body’s instincts took over and made you react. You couldn’t count how often your knife dug into rotting skulls, one by one until they became too many, pushing further and further into the camp before you heard Janice calling for everyone to grab what you still could and flee.  You did, taking everything that felt necessary in these moments, slipping into your boots, grabbing your clothes, backpack and the note before you stormed towards the others only to hear more screams echoing through the air. “Run”, you could hear Thom scream as you turned around and saw walkers closing in on him, burying their teeth into his skin, starting to tear him apart before so many dead surrounded him that he disappeared within them. You could only feel how your legs began to move as soon as you realized that there was no way to save him anymore and  a feeling of excruciation pain spread out all over you and only the adrenaline kept you running.  You followed the rest that had made it, ran until your feet hurt, until your heavy breathing made it feel like it was cutting crannies into your throat, and until you had left the walkers and the bloody camp-side far behind yourself.

This day felt like a nightmare you were unable to wake up from.  No matter how much you tried to get it off, there was still some blood sticking to your hands when the night-sky was covering the firmament again and you found yourself sitting on a tree trunk by the bustling flames. Your new camp was far from the place you’d lost four of your friends, far from the place you’d last seen Negan and still, a piece of him was still there with you, laying in your hands. You were staring at his messy handwriting over and over again, at the blacked out spots and the sentences in the middle, trying to somehow find out what he could mean with them and what could hide behind the thick, black lines. You still hadn’t fully processed that he was gone, still expected him to come out of the woods towards you or stick his head out of one of the tents but with every passing moment and with every bit the stress and shock of this day beat retreat, the reality started to set in more.  You looked back at the note, seeing how the flames shed a warm light onto it while your eyes wandered over each word and letter. “It’s better like this”, “You’re better off this way”, what the fuck was this supposed to mean? It didn’t make any sense, not after what you’ve had in the prior night together. Did he actually just act like he enjoyed it and this was his shitty take on  “It’s not you, it’s me”? Did he really not feel like you felt for him? Why the hell would he say that you were better off this fucking way? You were miserable, nothing else. “You should just burn it”, you could hear Tony’s voice echoing through the air, letting you flinch a little as your glance shot up to him while he made his way over to you, pointing at the note ,”Try to forget him, he ain’t worth it.” He shook his head with a sigh, letting himself fall next to you onto the tree trunk while he bit a bit off of the stickbread that he was holding in his hand. “I always had the feeling that there was something off with him”, he mumbled, grimacing slightly as he glimpsed at the note, stroking some crumbs out of his blonde beard stubble ,”What a bastard.” You gulped, starting to fold the note, trying to fight the small part in you that hadn’t quite comprehended yet that Negan was someone else than you thought and still wanted to defend him. “Can we not talk about him?”, you asked, shifting uncomfortably as you buried the note back in your pocket, not yet ready to let go of it. Tony nodded, his eyes fixed on your hands as they zipped the pocket shut. “You want some?”, he then asked, holding the bread in his hands for a moment up before he pointed with it to the other side of the campfire,”We still got enough of it.” “Not hungry”, you shook your head, sure that if you’d try to eat something now you’d throw it back up in the very next moment ,”Thanks though.” “No problem”, he said as he got back on his feet and glimpsed to some of the others who were sitting by the tents back to you,”Y’know we got the guard shifts for tonight already sorted out. When you wanna sleep, you can do so, don’t have to wait for us to decide anymore.” “Okay, thanks”, you nodded, seeing how he tried to put a supportive smile on his lips before he reached down to give your shoulder a soft pat and made his way back to the rest, giving you some space.  You just wanted this day to be over, so maybe it wasn’t wrong to just go to your tent and try to shut your mind down and fall asleep, or at least try to. Your body was definitely exhausted enough to crave some sleep, all you had to do was get your thoughts under control. You finally got up from your spot on the tree trunk and strolled over to your tent, climbing over the ropes that held the other ones in the ground before you could climb into yours and zip it shut.  You had tried to make it as comfortable as you could with the things you had left and tried the same with yourself as you slipped into some more comfortable clothes, hoping that it would somehow trick you into feeling better.  You eventually cuddled into your sleeping bag and turned your jacket into a bundle, trying to use it as a provisory pillow. You could hear the note in the jacket’s pocket rustling a little as you shifted, bringing Negan back into your mind even though he’d never really left it.  Your throat started to tighten, along with your ribcage that allowed it to spread tension over you that began to seep inside, turning into agony that crawled up your whole body. And now that you were alone, now that everything was quiet around you, the bubble of shock and denial finally bursted, from one moment to another. Tears shot into your eyes as you breath grew heavier and your body started to tremble while your mind got tortured all over again, now as the full truth started to reveal itself and you couldn’t deny what had happened anymore. Negan had exiled you from his life.  Just like that.  And he’d known it. He’d known how much it had taken you to build trust up and let people in, he’d known how afraid you were of being abandoned or of losing someone else you loved.  And he’d still left you while you were sleeping, only leaving this shitty note behind and the only clear question you could form right now was asking for the “why”? Had you really just surmised everything about him? From his feelings for you to everything that made your whole relationship up? Had he really felt different last night and this whole thing had just been an act? Fuck, but he’d told you so much about himself, too much for it all to just be an superficial act, he’d told you basically his whole past and his regrets, he wouldn’t have done this if he hadn’t felt safe with you as well, right? There was this small part in you that tried to soothe your pain and told you that maybe he had only gotten scared after taking the next step with you. But if he had, why hadn’t he talked to you the same way you had talked about everything else, leaving you completely was just too extreme. This all just didn’t match. And with that, the devil on your shoulder started to whisper its painful remarks into your ear, turning all your thoughts even more toxic than they already were. Maybe he have had some feelings for you but the kisses had made him realize after all that you just weren’t it for him. Maybe you’d been completely deceived by him and had seen someone else in him than he actually was. He had to be, somehow at least. The Negan you’d known wouldn’t have left you like this, especially with the consequence that you would never see him again, not after all these months together, not after growing so close. But he had left, he had run away, he had exiled you from his life and he forced you to live with his decision, without any clear answers. Your thoughts were eating into you, tearing you up from the inside while hot tears started to roll down your cheeks, first silently before your small whimpers grew into sobs. Had you done something wrong? Had you repelled him? Were you really that unlovable that he felt like you didn’t even deserve to know why he didn’t want to be with you anymore? Was there something so wrong about you that made him suddenly not want you in his life anymore? Why the fuck had he left you? You were muffling your sobs, hoping that no one would hear you while more and more pain travelled through your body and kept you in a bubble of agony.  You couldn’t control your head anymore, it felt like your thoughts were stuck in a storm that raged through your head, strong enough to let you grow dizzy and make you feel like the tent was spinning around you. You tried your best to focus on one spot of its roof, keep you from losing control completely while the spinning got stronger, amplifying the nausea the pain had already elicited.  Your heart was hammering in your chest, so loudly that you felt like you could hear it while the nausea started to turn your stomach upside down. The pictures of Negan in your head stared to mix with the ones of your dead friends, of the blood on the forest ground and the metallic scent of it that reeked of death before your body took over and made you rush out of the tent. In the very last second you fell to your knees and felt your ribcage tightening as the bile and the very last bit of your stomach content pushed up your throat and spewed out of your mouth.  The bile was biting into the skin of your lips and made you tear up even more while the nausea kept clawing onto your throat until you hung violently shaking over the ground, bile and saliva dripping out of your mouth as your stomach finally stopped to contract.  You whimpered, only glad about the fact that no one seemed to have heard you before you forced yourself to slowly move back into the tent, still crying as you got your mouth clean and drunk the very last bit of your water to get the awful taste out of your mouth that would surely have let you throw up again. You ended up sitting in the tent, hugging your legs while the tears didn’t stop falling down your face, making you feel like the pain would never stop coming. You had lost the most important person in your life, and it wasn’t just about the fact that you’d lost the person you’d fallen in love with, you’d lost your best friend too.  And maybe, you thought, maybe there would have been a way for you to prevent it, or at least avoid yourself from ending up without answers, making up scenarios in your head that didn’t help you at all but just existed to further torture you. You should have stayed awake when you’d woken up last night, you should have asked further what had actually been wrong with him, maybe you wouldn’t be in this situation now if you had.  Maybe.  Everything was just a fucking maybe.  You would never get clear answers. You would never see Negan again.  And you wondered if you would ever be able to cope with that.  It didn’t get better after this night, not much at least. Time alone couldn’t heal all wounds, and the vast difference between your previous life and the one Negan forced you to continue now made it only more difficult for you to cope.  You were going from sleeping wrapped up in strong arms that made you feel safe and cozy to sleeping completely alone, left to fight your nightmares on your own, left to overthink each night about what you’d done wrong, what could be so unlovable about you that you’d be abandoned. You were going from joking around and walking laughing through the woods to bringing up the caboose, walking silently behind the others when you made your way through forests and fields. You were going from growing comfortable around people to becoming hostile and mistrusting of every act someone else did around you, of everything someone said and asked you.  You were growing numb and more sensitive at the very same time.  And most obviously, you were going from living back to purely surviving.  Back when Negan was around, you had finally felt like you were living again, and now, you were only surviving from one day to another. You were letting the hours pass from dawn until the moon was shining on the firmament and the whole process repeated itself. You were in your own bubble. Surviving, but that was it. Your hunger for answers kept you up most of the nights, now less than in the beginning, but still enough to hurt you. Sometimes you’d hoped to run into him, find exactly these answers to what had made him leave so you could find your peace, other times you hoped you would never have to see his face again and be reminded of the fact of how much he had deceived you. The latter lost most of the times, even if you had struggles to admit that. But the facts spoke a different language:  You still flinched when you saw a walker that had his height, stature and mere bodily resemblances, and even though there was a part in you that knew that Negan was someone who would survive almost everything, you had this urge to kill them each time and check that it truly wasn’t him. You still had the note. There were countless times you had wanted to toss it into the flames and see it turn into ashes, but you’d never managed too. You weren’t looking at it as often as in the beginning, trying to figure out what he’d meant or what he’d blacked out, but it still rested in your jacket’s pocket, as your eternal companion. You wished you could free yourself from all of this, wished you could trust, wished you could be open to others, but with leaving, with exiling you from his life from one moment to another, Negan had taken that from you. And there was a part of you that hated him for it more than you were able to put in words. Oddly enough there was this other part in you, this weird tiny part that still felt for him, or rather the image you’ve had of him. He hadn’t been who you thought he was, he hadn’t left if you’d been right about him, but there was this part that no matter how hard you tried, couldn’t comprehend that. There was this part that refused to believe that you were such a bad judge of character. And so, with all these contradictory thoughts and feelings raging through you, with the missing answers that wouldn’t allow your mind to get the peace it desperately needed, you couldn’t get over it, no matter how much you tried, you couldn’t heal and move on from what he’d done to you and you hated it. 

You lost more people over the coming months. Others joined here and there while you had to watch others being torn apart until you were the only survivor left of the original group, now surrounded by those who had joined far after Negan had left.  You closed yourself more and more off over time, those who still knew you before he left died, and those who joined never got to see more of you than they needed to accept you as a member of the group. You didn’t allow more. There was this part of your brain that had restructured itself, leading you to believe that when the person you’d been so incredibly close to over months was able to abandon you from one moment to another, there was no way you could trust anyone else to not leave you. Moreover, you didn’t trust yourself anymore to judge who had good intentions and who hadn’t, not after you had been so awfully wrong about Negan. And so you were still lonely, even with all these people around you. But being lonely was less painful than having to live with the agony of possibly being abandoned again. It had to be a little over a half year after Negan left when you found yourself sitting on a tree trunk in the woods, watching the campfire while you slung your winter coat tighter around your body, trying to keep yourself warm. You watched two of the other, newer members sitting on the other side, Sarah and Donna who were giggling as they chatted about some story while some of the others were either guarding the camp-side, slept or prepared some food for the coming days.  This casual chatting, the laughing at campfires was another thing that wasn’t part of your life anymore, the fear in you to reveal too much to be able to get hurt again was just too much of a risk and you honestly envied those who were able to take it, or who still didn’t see these type of interactions as a risk at all. The only times you loosened a bit up was when the group found some booze that lowered your inhibitions a little and pushed you to be more talkative than you allowed yourself to be any other time, but that was pretty much it.  You honestly hated who you had become, a shell of a person who had let her fears started to rule her life, forcing her to become a loner, suspicious of everything and everyone.  You wished for something that would give you the chance to turn it all back around, but with each passing day, the probability that you’d ever get this opportunity slimmed more and more. Letting out a shivering breath you  tried to move a little closer to the fire, hoping it would get to warm you up some more right before you heard a loud rustling within the underwood and heard Jake’s voice sounding tensely through the night. ”One step further and you’re dead”, he called out, letting you nearly instinctively jump to your feet and look at the other side of the small camp, see him pointing his gun at a small group that was nearly standing in the darkness, with their hands raised while the rest of your group started to draw their weapons and step closer to the possible threat. ”Hold on, hold on”, you could hear one of them say while you stepped closer, your hand wrapped around the handle of your knife as you first saw the man who was standing in front of four others, three men and one woman. A smile was laying on his lips, a dark mustache only intensifying it while he cleared his throat, though still holding a handgun in his raised hands. ”We’re here with some good news.” ”Drop the weapons first”, Jake called out, still pointing his gun at the group,”I mean it.” ”Alright, friend”, the man said, nodding to the others before they slowly lowered their hands and dropped their weapons as your eyes swayed over them, trying to find out whether they were still a treat or if they were simply searching for a group to join in. They had watched your camp-side before for sure, that pretty much was the unwritten 1st rule before approaching others and they must’ve been aware that your group was too big for them to take over on their own.  ”We got a big settlement nearby, a factory”, one of the other man, slimmer than the one who had talked until now stepped forwards, careful to not alert you. Your attention peaked up, your instincts immediately trying to figure out if he was being truthful ,”And we’re searching for new people to join, expand our forces.” ”People are the biggest resource we have”, the other one added quickly, nodding towards your group, all while the gun was still pointed at him, though he surprisingly didn’t seem to be all too bothered by it ,”We’re trying to use that.” You looked at them a little closer, stepping a few steps towards them through your group to see them a bit clearer in the light the campfire was throwing at them. They seemed to be well kept, their clothes were only slightly dirty from walking through the woods, but compared to yours they were pretty clean. ”You got proof?”, it sounded out of your group through the night, while the two men in the front quickly nodded. ”Sure”, the slimmer one said, gulping slightly as he glanced at the gun, “I have pictures in my backpack, I’m gonna take it off and toss it towards you, alright?” “Alright”, Jake nodded, while the man took the backpack slowly off, repeatedly eyeing the gun while he was doing so before he carefully tossed it forward.  You could see another one of your group, Daniel, reaching down to grab the backpack before he took a few steps back, ending up by your side as he opened it and revealed the pictures that laid on top of a couple cans of food and a cramped up jacket.  “If these are fake, you’ll die”, You could hear one of the others say as Daniel fished the polaroid photos out of the backpack, while you tried to get a glimpse at them, curious even though you were still suspicious of them, just like everyone else.  “Then we got nothing to fear, they’re real, as real as your chance for a better life.” Daniel started to slowly flip through them, give you and the ones who stood close enough to see them a chance to catch what was displayed on them and it seemed more than promising, almost too good to be true. There definitely was a factory on them, a compound with one giant building and smaller ones attached to it and here and there you could see some people displayed on them. working on the fence that seemed to surround it or walking from one spot to another. There were some pictures from inside too and these were the ones that actually impressed you and nearly made you hold your breath for a moment. There was a big hall of one of them, the photo shot from some kind of high platform to capture the countless people inside of it and the booths they were standing at, probably for food and other supplies. Other pictures showed rooms inside of the building,  “We have a new leader for a few weeks now, he’s trying to build this place further up. You got the pics of the apartments now, right? We keep on transforming more and more rooms into those”, the man with the mustache said, pointing towards the photo Daniel had on top right now and you could feel yourself drawn to them, though a large proportion of your mind was still on alert. Having your own bed, being able to shower whenever you wanted, not being scared of not finding enough food anymore, god that sounded almost too good to be true.  ”I know how it is to live outside, fight for survival. It’s easier together as a community”, the man added, letting you look up from the photos for another moment before he flashed another grin. ”I’m Simon by the way”, he said before he nodded towards the slimmer man beside him,”This here’s Gavin and-” He turned a little around before pointing to the others, one by one. ”These guys are DJ, Arat and Gary.” You watched them nod before you glanced back at the photos, while you could hear Jake asking them some more questions, testing them a little while you could actually feel a little hope within you rising that this place could actually be something that would give all of you a little brighter future.  Your mind was still wrestling with the devil on your shoulder, that was whispering in your ear that you shouldn’t trust your judgement anymore, not after what had happened, while another part of you genuinely hoped that maybe, maybe this could be at least a little bit of a new beginning for you. And what did you have to lose? ”So what do you fine folks say?”

It took a bit of discussing, more questioning and weighing your options until your group eventually agreed to give Simon’s community a try, dismantled your camp and finally followed them through the woods, still alert.  Simon kept talking about the place they called the Sanctuary and about the opportunities you’d get as new part of the Saviors as they called themselves. It would’ve sounded a little odd to you if you hadn’t heard all the other weird name groups and communities were giving themselves since the world had gone to shit. Compared to those, the Savior’s Sanctuary almost sounded normal.  You finally reached a large truck that was parked at the side of the road, with just enough space to fit all of you into its inside. You were still constantly checking your surroundings, maybe even trying to find something that could make you mistrustful of them but the truck seemed more than fine, just filled with wood benches at either side, and with some blankets and water placed into a box in one of its corners. You settled down onto a spot on the bench next to the others rather in the back of the truck, placing your backpack between your legs while the truck already started to slowly move back onto the road, jerking a little as you got ready for a long drive to what could become your new home.

The sun was already shining brightly when you heard that you were halfway at the Sanctuary, could see Simon moving through the truck as he talked here and there about the rest of the drive to the community. He was steady on his feet before he reached the seat in the front, bracing himself against it before he reached toward’s DJ who sat in the passenger seat, and patted his shoulder roughly. He chuckled, a wide grin plastered on his face that even you could see from your spot in the back before his voice echoed through the truck and let your blood freeze the moment you heard what he was saying. “Negan’s gonna like ‘em”, he proudly called out towards DJ, and the moment his name left Simon’s lips you could feel your body flinching, could feel boiling heat and icy coldness washing over your back within milliseconds while your breath got stuck in your throat. You stared wide eyed at the mustached man in the front, unable to move, unable to say something while thousands of thoughts started to crush in on you before you heard Jake raising his voice quickly. “Who’s that?” “The big man, our boss”, Simon chuckled, grinning back as he leaned himself against the seat and while you could Jake answering with an “okay”, you were already drifting away.  This couldn’t be him, right? Negan was a name you hadn’t heard before the world went to shit but that didn’t mean that he was the only one with this name. It could be someone else, right? You could feel your palms starting to grow sweaty, could feel your body starting to tremble while you gripped your fingers into your thighs, hoping that the sensation would help you get yourself under control and sort your thoughts. Negan had always been the leader type, the of man who was able to be the alpha of a group but this didn’t automatically mean that he was the leader of this group. When he’d run from you, he’d probably run as far as possible to not be in risk to run into your group again and that was likely much further than you had travelled by now. This didn’t have to be him. This could be another, completely different man. This didn’t have to be him. You were repeating this, over and over again in your head, until you had yourself fairly under control, though you feared that the others would notice how frozen, yet trembling you were sitting next to them, forcing yourself to stare at a spot on the wooden floor, to fixate it and give your head the opportunity to repeat these sentences over and over again until you felt like you had convinced yourself. And still, regardless how much you tried to suppress it, the possibility that it was actually your Negan was there, and you didn’t know how to handle it. You sat like glued to the bench, hearing and seeing everything else around you in a blur until you felt the truck stop underneath you indefinitely.  ”Alrighty folks, we’re there!”, Simon called out, grinning widely as you first snapped out of your trance-like state and could feel your group members starting to stand up around you, waiting for the man in the front to lead them outside. You pushed yourself to stand up too, feeling how wobbly your legs felt while an uncomfortable nausea was settling in your stomach no matter how hard you tried to keep on repeating those sentences in your head.  Shivering breaths fell from your lips while you exited the truck, holding tightly onto your backpack  finding yourself in the courtyard of the large factory. “Welcome to the Sanctuary”, Simon called out, strutting with open arms towards the large metallic entrance, more than ready to show you your new potential home. You had a hard time taking in what was happening around you, nearly unconsciously strolled into the large building behind the others, trying to keep your attention for your surrounding up as much as you could while you entered the large hall you’d already seen on the pictures, filled with bustling people. “As I said, the boss is still restructuring things but this is our grand hall!”, Simon chuckled as he spread his arms out again, turning around to the group for the moment as he kept on talking,”We got all kinds of things here, food, clothes, shit we even recently got a barber! And we’re building more up, maybe some of y’all get to open up your booth here. Behind this we got the sleeping places for the newbies until everything’s figured out and they get their rooms.” If you hadn’t heard Negan’s name earlier, you’d walk amazed through the hall, would stare at the uncountable booths and the people that were as many as you hadn’t seen for the longest time. But instead, you felt numb and panicked at the same time, stuck in a bubble and hoping that you’d  be able to let it break as soon as possible to return back to reality and pay attention to what was truly important right now. ”We’ll get ya’ll some food as soon as possible, but for now, you’ll get to set up your camp over here”, Simon finally said after you’d made yourself through the uncountable food booths that would have made your mouth water if you weren’t so busy with your thoughts and had ended up on the other end of the call, in its edge where cots with some blankets were set up, surrounded by some sheets that were hung onto cloths-lines to separate each little camp from one another.  You were nearly drifting back into your little trance as you looked around the cots, glad that you were standing in the back of your group so no one paid attention to your absent behavior while you cursed yourself for not being able to just push these thoughts into the back of your head.  You could hear Simon talk some more before he suddenly silenced, letting you first look up again to glimpse past the the others in front of you, only to feel how you froze in your spot as soon as you heard another, way too familiar voice boom through the air. “Well shit, now would you look at that!” It was him.  His voice. His laugh. It was him.   “Some newbies!”, you could hear him say while you still stood like glued to the cement ground on your spot, with widened eyes and shaking legs while his voice let shiver after shiver run down your spine,”Glad to get some more saviors into our ranks.” This had to be another one of your nightmares. This couldn’t be real. What were the odds that you’d see him again under these circumstances?  It took just another moment before you saw him standing next to Simon, the man you hadn’t thought you’d ever see again.  He looked nearly the very same as you remembered him.  A wide smirk was plastered over his handsome face, a salt and pepper beard that was a little shorter than when you’d last seen him was caressing his jaw, his hazel eyes were beaming with a roguish glance, his black hair wasn’t just combed back as it often had been during his time in the group  but instead slicked back with some gel, the familiar leather jacket was covering his torso and his beloved bat was laying on his shoulder while his fingers tapped on its handle. You were growing dizzy, could feel your ribcage tightening enough to seemingly press all air out of your lungs while you didn’t know what to think, didn’t know what to do as you stared at him while your body got so overwhelmed with thoughts and feelings that an emptiness started to settle in you, keeping you in a state of shock. “Hi, I’m Negan”, his deep voice vibrated through you, spreading goosebumps all over your body as his glance started to sway over the group, taking a look at each new person that was about to join his community before the unavoidable moment came and his eyes landed on you.  From one second to another, his face dropped, the grin literally falling from it as he stared at you if as if you were a mirage. His brows tensed in the next moment and you could tell that he was trying to figure out if he wasn’t just imagining this while horror spread over his features. It took a few more seconds for him to realize that the whole group was watching him and his sudden change in behavior before he put the grin back on his face, playing down the obvious bewilderment that was still stuck in his eyes before he nodded towards Simon.  “Simon, show our newcomers around, will ya? All other shit can be handled later”, he grinned once more into the group, through purposely avoiding your glance as Simon nodded. “Sure, boss.” “Good. Welcome to the Sanctuary”, Negan just said, before he already started to turn on his heels, and rushed into the opposite direction, disappearing quickly in another hallway that lead away from the grand hall.

Simon took you on a little tour in the following two hours, giving you some more info about the place and making sure you had what you needed for now until you found yourself back at your little camp, sitting on one of the cots while your head was still torturing you with thoughts. You could tell that the others had noticed the way Negan had reacted, that they knew that there was a reason why he’d changed after seeing you, and Jake and Sarah, who were sitting with you by the cots and kept glancing at you were the living proof for it. “Do you know him? Negan?”, Jake finally spoke up, still letting you glance up with wide eyes at him while he let out a small chuckle,”C’mon I saw his face when he saw you.” You gulped, fumbling on the end of your jacket before a tight breath fell from your lips. “Yeah”, you eventually nodded, sure of the fact that there was no way around this, at least not without giving them any information. “He uhm...he was in our group a long while ago”,you mumbled, watching as Sarah looked wide eyed at you, full of curiosity and most likely excited to finally unlock part of your past you’d kept locked up from all of them,”We got split up.” Technically, that was true. Not by groups of walkers or other threatening survivors, as they likely assumed, but you did get split up by his choice. Part of you wanted to tell the truth, let some anger that was still seething within you seep out but another, bigger part was holding it back, enough for you to keep a cool head, for now. Even if Negan was the leader of this place, it seemed like a good one. Food, shelter, protection. They had all been out there for long, they deserved a place to rest. Everything else would show itself by time, but for now, you didn’t blindly want to rob them of these things because of your personal vendetta.  ”He looked like he saw a ghost”, Jake chuckled, stroking some of his dark hair out of his face while a happy giggle fell from Sarah’s lips. ”Well, it doesn’t happen all too often that you can reunite with people”,she said, the excitement clearly audible in her voice,”You must be glad to see him again, huh?” God, if she only knew. ”Hey, you”, you heard a voice behind you say, letting you quickly turn around as you looked up at an unknown man who stared down at you,”It’s (Y/N), right?” ”Yeah”, you nodded, glimpsing a little irritatedly at him before he cleared his throat slightly, only to shove you into another sea of tension and nervousness as soon as he raised his voice again. ”The boss wants to see you, now”, he said, not leaving you, the tone of his voice urging ,”I’ll get you to his apartment.” It wasn’t phrased like a question, clearly, it was a command that somehow rubbed you the wrong way while another part of you still tried to grasp what this actually meant.  You would see Negan again. You might get answers to your questions. You gulped thickly, first becoming aware of the fact that three sets of eyes were staring at you and if you would take longer, it would only become more. An urge in you that was barely conscious urged you to nod and get up on your feet, without even thinking much further, though the tension within you started to become overwhelming. You still hadn’t processed all of this and now more and more was being thrown at you, leaving you to make your decision solely based on the few things that had always been clear to you; you wanted answers and you wanted to give vent to the anger and all the other emotions that had been seething in you for so long. Those two things were the only ones that let this urge win against the obvious fear that was streaming stronger and stronger through your body. “Go get your reunion!”, you heard Sarah say happily, smiling widely at you as you glanced back at her and forced a faked smile onto your lips, trying to cover up how you really felt before you were lead into the labyrinth of hallways by the Savior. The walk through the Sanctuary along the other man was awkward and it only let the odd nervousness within you rise. You could tell by his glances that he was curious to know why his Boss had asked for you, but he kept his mouth shut nevertheless, letting you walk beside him in silence, allowing your thoughts to full on torture you. They were buzzing through your head like a swarm of angry bees as you started to make your way up the long staircase, each step giving you more of a feeling of nausea as you knew that each one of them made you get closer to him.  There were thousands of scenarios whirling through your head, scenarios of what he’d say to you, scenarios of how you would react as soon as you would step into his apartment. Would he ask you to leave? Or to keep your mouth shut to not scare away anybody else? What would he actually be like? You’d clearly been deceived in him when you’d still been together. He hadn’t been the person you had though he was. So how would he present himself now? And how the hell would you present yourself? Would you freeze again as soon as you’d see his awfully familiar face? Would the rage within you finally boil over for good?  You were nearly growing dizzy just trying to comprehend all these thoughts, trying to shove them back and distract yourself with the view of the barely enlightened staircases, with the sound your shoes were producing each time they met the concrete and with your heavier growing breath. “Almost there”, the man beside you finally spoke up as you could see the end of the staircase coming closer, could see some light streaming through the small window of the heavy industrial door that lead to the very last floor. If the urge for answers to all the questions that were torturing you since he had left wouldn’t have been so strong, you were sure that your body would’ve urged you to turn on your heels and run, relieve you from the painful tension that was starting to eat you up from inside. The last steps were the hardest, physically and mentally it felt as if you were wearing shoes made of concrete, dragging you down each time you wanted to take the next step up until you found yourself on the small and very last platform. It felt surreal, almost as if you were a figure in a video game, not controlled by yourself but some other force you didn’t have any control over as you finally stepped through the heavy metal door and found yourself in yet another hallway. It looked a little different than the others, ironically more welcoming, with softer and warmer light than the previous ones. You could feel the nausea within you rise, fueled by the fear, anger and skepticism of what was waiting for you while the man beside you kept walking past some other doors that were plastered along the sides of the hallway until you stood in front of heavy, dark two winged wooden doors. If you weren’t so tense, you would’ve probably laughed to yourself about the ridiculously of these lavish doors in a literal factory building, that oddly enough felt like they fit to the Negan you had known.  “Here we are”, the man mumbled, catapulting you back into reality as you felt your heart skipping a beat as he reached for the handle and slowly opened the door and you started to feel your emotions pounding against the wall within you that had kept them in control until now, destroying it more with each passing second. “Don’t be so shy, step in”, you heard him grumble beside you, letting you realize that you’d stared at the slightly opened door until now, not moving an inch.  You slowly nodded, trying to straighten your shoulders and look as confident as you were able to right now, unwilling to show the man behind those doors how broken he’d still left you. “Sure”, you just said, nodding again before you moved past him, brushing past the heavy doors, the nervousness nearly blurring your view until your eyes suddenly fixed on his face, forcing you to look right into his eyes. He was standing there, just standing there looking wide eyed at you, almost as if he hadn’t expected you to come and slowly but surely, the emotions started to break out of their cage, forcing you to take in your surrounding, forcing you to understand that this situation was real and not just another nightmare. The apartment was as lavish as those doors had already indicated, dark wood everywhere, a large black, four poster bed to your left, yet too much out of your view to catch it entirely, oppositely to the leather couch and the luxurious armchairs he was standing next to, and the coffee table between them that was covered in food, wine, a big bottle of whiskey and a lit up candle that left you speechless and wondering what the fuck this here was. “Hey, Sweetheart-“ “Don’t call me that”, it shot out of your lips as soon as you heard his voice and the awfully familiar nickname that triggered way too many memories at once. Your eyes shot back to him as you could feel the anger within you trumping all other emotions for a moment, pumping you full with adrenaline that unleashed energy you didn’t even know you had anymore. “What the fuck is this”, it slipped in a snapping tone out of your lips as you stared once more at the fully covered table. You felt like this wasn’t even you who was directly talking, it was just the fury that was slipping out of you, more and more and it wasn’t done yet for sure. “I hoped that we could talk”, he said, his tone slightly defeated as he caught your glance, fueling the rage that was streaming within you, the rage that had been held back for way too long. “Now you wanna talk? You sure you don’t wanna leave a little note again and fuck off?” “Okay, I deserve that”, he sighed, so oddly calm that it only made you angrier.  He had left you, he had left you while you had been sleeping after you had opened yourself fully up to him and now he was acting as if you were here to have a little casual and friendly chitty chat with him. ”Listen-“ “No, no you listen”,you cut him nearly immediately off, and while your voice was still filled up with anger you could feel the stinging feeling of the bottled up pain start to break through the rage, much to your annoyance ,”Fuck you, fuck you, Negan.” You still sounded angry, but there was a brokenness and a bitterness to it that hadn’t been there before, something that let your lips tremble and your voice vibrate. “You left me”, you snapped, trying your very best to keep the stinging pain that was crushing down on you again in check,”Out of nowhere. You never gave me any warning signs. You asshole made me trust you, you kissed me and then you left me, you just fucked off.” Your breath was getting heavier as you nearly instinctively stepped further into the room, trying to get a closer look of him, trying to see what kind of emotions laid over his face to find out who he actually was. “We spent months together, we talked about every little possible shit, I would’ve trusted you with my damn life and you just left. You fucker let me wonder what the fuck I’d done wrong for you to abandon me out of fucking nowhere after everything we’ve been through”, the pain was sounding clearer through your voice now, regardless of how much you were trying to suppress it, while a cool shudder washed down your back as soon as he stepped closer as well, hurt and guilt plastered over his face that ironically only made you angrier, “And now you bring me up in your little suite and think we can have a chat during some candle lit dinner, are you fucking kidding me?” “Y/N”, he just said, pleading and with a deep sigh as he stepped even closer to you, trying to calm you down but the second he reached you and stepped just a little too close, close enough to touch you your instincts took over again.  “No”, you snapped as he tried to reach out to you, swatting away his hand while this mere, millisecond long touch was enough to let the storm of emotions within you rage even wilder,”No!” Negan didn’t try anything else, immediately moving a few steps away from you while you could feel your heart pounding faster against your chest and a lump slowly started to grow in your throat. “Fuck you”,you breathed shakily, trying your best to swallow down that lump that was starting to grow further as the pain started to wash over you once more, slow, stinging and torturous as it brought out the memories of the lonely nights you’d spent crying yourself to sleep,”You got any idea how I felt?” ”You knew of my fears”,it left your lips immediately before you gulped thickly, trying to get rid of the lump,”You fucking knew it...I just came up here because I want answers...nothing else.” “And you’ll get ‘em, I promise”, Negan said, looking at you with those sad puppy eyes that only made you question him, his behavior and everything that was going on around you even more. “You promised to stay too”, it slipped out of your lips, while you still tried to calm yourself down, control the emotions that still tried to turn you into a bigger mess than you already were to find answers to the questions that had been buzzing through your head since the day he’d left. “I know”, he nodded before he gulped thickly and let out a small sigh,”Please let me explain.” He looked at you, almost waiting for an answer before he reached up to scratch his salt and pepper beard, the same way he’d always done it when he’d started to get nervous. “Can we sit down?”, he asked, nodding towards the couch and the armchairs before you slowly started to nod as well, and strolled almost simultaneously with him to the assemble, moving down to sit in one of the comfy armchairs while he let himself fall onto the leather couch. For another moment, you tensed up again, looking at all the food and beverages that were sprawled out over the table, smelling their delicious scent that made your mouth water. It felt obscure to see that much food at once when you’d been happy to find a single can of ravioli just a day ago and it made you feel much more obscure and out of place to sit in the middle of this lavish apartment still dressed in your dirty and ripped clothes. “You can take anything you like. I know you’re hungry”, you heard Negan say, ripping your attention away from the food. “You don’t know shit”, it slipped out of your lips, and while it may have seemed childish, you didn’t want to take anything from him yet and you moreover didn’t feel able to eat now, not with this emotional turmoil keeping your body under its control, “Just start.” “The people you’re here with, does that mean-“ “Yeah”,you responded, gulping thickly as you could feel Negan’s eyes fix on you,”They’re dead..Not at once. More people joined and others died along the way.” “But are they good people? You trust them?”, he kept on asking, and while a part of you understood, another one just felt like he was trying to distract you from the elephant in the room and earn some more time. “Y’know, trusting others wasn’t really my thing after the person I trusted the most left me out of nowhere”, you said, the bitterness in you unable to swallow that remark down before you pulled yourself together once more for the people downstairs. Regardless of what was going on with you and the man across from you, they deserved a chance here. ”But yeah, they’re good people”, you said, letting out a small sigh before you glimpsed back at him, a part of you still unable to process that it was actually him who was sitting there and not just a mirage, part of a nightmare that would let you wake up in cold sweat, “Now stop with the small talk, just start.” Negan nodded, running his hands almost nervously over his thighs before he moved down to rest his elbows on his knees, staring at his hands before he sighed once more. “First off, you didn’t do anything wrong”,he mumbled, glimpsing up for a moment to look at you,”I panicked that night.” You stared at him, not sure on how to react, nor how this would go on, you just looked at him, your body so tense you were almost on edge to hear more while the suspicious part of you was trying to filter his words, make sure you weren’t fooled and hurt again. “I-...fuck”,he stopped himself, struggling for words,”When I woke up in the middle of the damn night I laid awake for so long and those shit ass thoughts started to creep up..I just...I thought I’d be damned to fuck it up, whatever we had there...I thought it would be easier for you if I’d leave now before we’d get even deeper and I’d disappoint you then.” You were at loss of words as you stared at him, still shaking, still tense while you were trying to process what he was saying, if you were supposed to believe him or if this all was hot air. “I know how cliché this sounds but fuck, I never meant to hurt you, I tried to prevent it”, he gulped, snapping you out of your nearly trance-like state as what seemed to be supposed to appease you instead did the opposite. It whirled memories up, way too many, of how much he had hurt you nevertheless, of how much pain he had caused you from the moment you’d discovered that he was gone to this very day.  “Worked fantastically”, you scoffed out while your throat started to tighten again, start to push some tears into your eyes nevertheless how hard you tried to suppress them,”You knew how scared I was of being abandoned again.” “I know, I know, and I can’t tell you how sorry I am...the shit I did, my thoughts back then...they were fucking dumb, they weren’t rational”, he responded, shaking his head as another thick gulp travelled down his throat,”I just had that shit with Lucille creeping up again...I just-” He let out a deep sigh, looking down to his feet for a moment before he slowly glimpsed back up at you. “I knew you deserved better in the end, much fucking better than my old ass”, he started again, his glance nervously bouncing around the room before it landed back on you,”After that kiss I got scared, ain’t gonna lie to you. I got pants crapping scared. Those damn kisses meant we were going further and I just....” There was this feeling within you that he was being genuine, that he was telling the truth. The way his eyes shifted, the way his jaw clenched and the way he sat and fumbled on his hands, you had seen those things before on him. You’d seen this nervousness when head first talked to you about Lucille and his regrets, and there was something about the way he looked right now that was too raw to be acted. You were suspicious enough of your own judgement since he’d left, but you couldn’t deny that he seemed to tell the truth. But if he was, if he was actually being genuine, what he was saying there threw you off nevertheless. “We were already deep in. Not physically but you knew everything about me, emotionally we were already nearly as far as you can go”, it slipped out of your lips while you were still trying to process what he had been just saying there.   You’ve had so many concepts in your head as to why he had left and this was it? It was not as hurtful as finding out that he had full on rejected you or played games with your feelings when he hadn’t been feeling the same would have been, but it was frustrating. It seemed avoidable. It seemed like all this pain, all these sleepless and tears filled nights could have been avoided if he had just done what you’d both been doing when you’d been distressed. But instead of doing so he’d done exactly what he knew was one of your greatest fears. “You could’ve just talked to me. We always did that”, it slipped out of your lips while you could feel the tension starting to let your body shake again, not visibly but enough to cause you even more discomfort as you were thinking back to this one night,”I was even already awake...and even when I was back asleep, you-” “I know...It was a knee jerk reaction”, he quickly said, his voice desperate as he kept your glance glued to his,”And I regretted it. I did. I packed things so fast, wrote you that shitty note and just ran like fucking coward.” He gulped thickly, scratching his salt and pepper stubble nervously before he looked back up. “But I’m not lying to you when I said that I got my head clear a couple hours later. And regretted leaving, so goddamn bad”, he said, only intensifying the suspense, frustration and even confusion within you,“I still don’t think that I deserved you but shit, it should’ve been different and my fear of fucking shit up made me fuck us up...I got back to the camp, I did, to apologize and work things out but-“ Your heart skipped a beat as you heard him hear those words, unable to get what he was saying there before he went on. “I just saw them laying there. Joanne, Thom...and I searched the whole damn camp for you, I swear, and when I saw that you weren’t among the goddamn dead and your stuff was gone I kept searching for you...for weeks” Nausea was flooding your body again, turning your stomach upside down as you stared in disbelief at him. What he was saying there was changing everything he had said before, everything you had assumed before. He had come back. And he wasn’t lying. If he hadn’t, there was no way of knowing who had died at this clearing, nor that this walker attack had even happened.  “I think after two weeks I found this little cabin by a lake...found that weird scarf thing that Janice always wore”,he mumbled, only pushing you deeper into the chaos that was raging through your head,”Thought I’d finally found a lead but it was the last damn trace of you that I ever found.” You were speechless, unable to even get a single sound out. He was saying the truth, even about searching for you. You had been at this cabin, a little over a week after Negan had left. You had stayed there for a night only, just to discover in the morning that another large group of walkers was approaching. Still scarred from the events earlier, you’d all taken off as fast as you could, never coming back only to discover later that Janet had left her beloved cloth behind. She really did have this big scarf that she has used as poncho or even blanket during colder days that was covered with odd patterns that made your eyes hurt when you looked at it for a little too long, but she’d loved that thing and you could remember lively how heartbroken she’d been when she discovered that she’d left it behind in the hurry you’d been in.  So Negan had really been going after you, he hadn’t just returned to the camp and just left it for good when he’d seen that you were gone, he had kept searching for you. This was changing so much, if not everything and you didn’t know how you were supposed to feel about this.  “Probably went into he wrong directions for weeks after that”, Negan’s voice ripped you out of your thoughts back into reality, though the man in front of you and his words still appeared in a blur,“And then I met another group and shit, at that point I thought you didn’t wanna see me anymore anyway...So I followed them and ended up here....I always kept looking for you though.” You stared at him, watching his expression saddening further as he sighed deeply. “I’m sorry”, he said, a shivering breath falling from his lips,”I’m so sorry, I really am. We had something great there and I fucked it up, I hurt you and I can’t tell you how much I hate my damn asshole self for that shit.” You still couldn’t get a single word out. Everything seemed to fall to pieces and you had problems reattaching these pieces into this new story that completely messed with all the possible ones that had controlled your head during the last months. He had left you when you’d told him about your fears nevertheless, but he’d been panicked, hadn’t thought clearly and moreover had come back and searched for weeks for you, following every lead he could get. You just didn’t know how to handle this all at once. “I just...I don’t know what to think anymore”, it finally slipped out of your lips while your glance wandered off him, blurring further as your mind was too focused to try and get your thoughts and feelings under control. “It’s okay”, you heard Negan say, watching him clenching his jaw tensely from the corner of your eyes. “Again, I can’t tell you how sorry I am”, he sighed, playing with his fingers while you could feel his eyes on you,”I always hoped I’d get to see you again but fuck, another damn part of me, regardless how much that crap hurt just hoped that you’d become happy and forget about me. You deserved to move on after the shit I pulled.” “I never did”, it almost immediately left your lips, almost automatic while a stinging pain rushed once more through your body, the same you’d felt each time you’d stared at his note by the campfire that was right now, still resting in your jacket’s pocket,”I never forgot you.” It got silent for another moment while you could feel the lump growing in your throat again, could feel the tingling in your nose that was a harbinger for the tears that tried to rise into your eyes. “I never knew you went back”,you gulped, struggling for words as your blurred glance stared at the fuzzy, lavish carpet below your dirty boots,”I don’t know if I’m supposed to feel different now, I just-“ You got cut off by the growing lump that made it hard for you to speak by now and felt the intensifying torture your mind was pushing onto you, enough to let the room start spinning around you, let the dark painted walls around you come closer as if they were about to crush you to death. “I need some fresh air”, you chocked out, gripping the soft edges of the armchair’s sides to push you onto your feet, not fully trusting your body to do it without the support right now. “There’s a platform at the end of the hallway”, Negan almost worriedly said and you could see him sitting up, could tell that he was seeing what was happening to your body. “Okay”, you just said, nodding almost absently and before you could realize anything more, you found yourself stemming the heavy wooden doors open and rushing back through the hallway until you reached the metal door that lead to the platform he’d mentioned.  You were shaking heavily when you finally wrapped your fingers around the handle and pushed the door open, moving onto the platform before you propped yourself against the metallic railing, gripping its bars tightly. You stared out into the vastness, over the endless seeming forest while your heart pounded up your throat and your legs turned into jelly. You could feel the lump in your throat growing bigger before the first tears started to roll down your face and shivering breaths fell from your legs. What the fuck were you supposed to do now? All this pain, all this helplessness and loneliness from the past months was washing up again, keeping you from being able to think clearly. “Fuck”, you cursed to yourself, trying to wipe the tears from your cheeks while you had no clue what you were supposed to feel now. His confession turned everything upside down. You just stood shivering there, so overwhelmed by everything that you couldn’t really think or do anything else. Tears kept falling down your face while your shivering breaths filled the air for what felt like an eternity until you had calmed yourself a little down and stared into the sky.  You had to go back in to him at some point, even though you had no damn clue what to do or say to him. You felt frustrated and relieved at the same time, hurt and glad at the same time, felt like running away and towards him at the same time. And the only way to know what you’d truly do or find out what the dominant emotion was, was to go back and face him.  It took you a few more minutes until you felt just ready enough to peel you away from the railing and move back inside, step by step while your whole body tightened and tensed with every bit you got back closer to him. Finally, you stood in front of the large doors once more, could feel yourself starting to reach for its handle, trying to prepare yourself as you started to open it and slowly moved back inside. You glimpsed up the moment you heard the door crush back into its lock and saw Negan staring at you, slowly standing up from his spot on the couch, a look of uncertainty covering his face.  You could feel the lump in your throat growing back as you were urged to look at him, feel all these emotions crushing with all their force back onto you, releasing all what you had suppressed before once more.  Tears shot back into your eyes regardless of how much you tried to suppress them, forcing the pictures of your lonely self back into your head, of the way you’d closed yourself off and stayed on your own, too scared to trust. “You know that I kept pushing everybody away after you left, because I didn’t trust myself around people anymore?”, it suddenly slipped out of your trembling lips as you moved forwards, tears falling down your cheeks as Negan’s face twisted in guilt,”Because I thought I’d been so wrong about you?” He stepped a little closer while your lips trembled and more tears kept coming, elicited by the memories that popped back up, over and over again. “I’ve been so lonely these past months, because-”, your voice hushed, forced by the lump as you sniffled and felt yourself breaking out in tears, desperately trying to get yourself back under control. “I-”, you heard Negan say, cutting himself off, at loss of words as he moved towards you, slow and carefully until you could see him right in front of you. What happened next was more of a blur as he reached out towards you with one hand, careful and half expecting for you to swat it away again but instead, you let him, a part of you just craving to not feel lost anymore. His fingers met your arm, his palms curling softly around it and his touch made a shiver run down your spine, so comfortable even though it should have been chilling. Slowly, Negan started to pull you towards him, starting to cautiously wrap his arms around you and pull you into his embrace. You shivered more for a moment, confused by the touch that felt familiar and foreign at the same time. This was your very first hug after he’d left and his scent and his warmth felt overwhelming and you felt more than ever how much you had missed to feel the touch of someone. And still, exactly this touch let everything break more out of you and let the whimpers turn into sobs, finally releasing all this tension and pain that you’d bottled up. “I’m sorry”, you could hear Negan mumble into your hair as he tightened his embrace around you slowly, letting you lay your head into the curve of his neck and nearly feel how hard his heart was pounding in his chest,”I’m so sorry.” His voice was filled to the rim with emotions too, so much that it sounded like he was on the edge of crying too and you could barely get what you were doing right now.  Just an hour ago you would have attempted to rip his head off if he’d just tried to hold you and now you laid shivering and sobbing against him, wrapped up in his arms, with your nose nuzzled into his warm neck. It didn’t mean that you were forgiving and forgetting everything, you had problems getting over the fact that you were letting him so close in again and risked that he could hurt you again, but after being lonely for so long, you couldn’t describe how much you craved this and felt like you needed to use this as a valve to let everything out once for all. “I missed you, so so fucking much”, you heard him mutter into your hair, and the sound in his voice actually pushed you to believe him. There was still an seething anger within you, and it wouldn’t just leave, not after your thoughts and pain had fed into it for months, but you just wanted to try and look at the fact that he had made a mistake but had tried everything to change it and find you. Maybe he really had been who you always thought he was. He’d just been scared. He didn’t say anything more for a while, just held you while you sobbed into him until your exhaustion forced you to turn the sobs back into small whimpers, and lay trembling against his tall figure. Negan slowly moved his hands up, one first reaching up to caress his thumb over the side of your face before both gently grabbed you and moved you out of the curve of his neck to look at him. His thumbs were brushing over your cheeks, trying to get the wetness softly off of them while you could see the tears shimmering in his eyes as well. “I’m so fucking sorry”, he mumbled again, while his touch made it feel like your heart skipped a beat again and you tried to push all the scenarios you’d assumed about him over the last time out of your head to take in the reality. “Can we sit down and talk again? A little more?”, Negan gulped, a fear whirling through his glance that you’d rarely seen so clearly in him.  You slowly started to nod, just following your instincts for now while you tried to shut down your head for a little. Relief spread over Negan’s face, though he still stayed tense as his hands fell from your face and instead, one of them started to reach of your hand, first brushing in a testing way against yours before he grasped it carefully. You let him, not retracting it this time and allowed him to lead you over to the couch, sit down into the soft, black leather after him while his hand stayed wrapped around yours.  “I wished I could turn back time. I can’t, but I wish so fucking much that I could”, he started, running his free hand over his face before he glimpsed back at you and gulped thickly. “Leaving was one of the biggest mistakes I’ve made in my damn life, if not the biggest of ‘em all”, he mumbled, trying to hold your glance ,”I know I can’t make it up to you but if you let me, I’ll do my fucking best to get close to it.” You looked at him, still feeling the warmth of his hand as his hazel eyes glimpsed at you and you could feel yourself starting to nod, longing to finally find peace and happiness again, though there was still something in you making sure that you didn’t risk too much and got hurt again, though everything made you assume that he meant it. “I just-”,you started, looking at your intertwined hands for a moment before you gulped thickly,”I need to process this first...just do it all slowly.” “Of course”, Negan nodded, his voice calm, soothing and most importantly genuine, ”Take as much time as you need.” It got quiet for a moment as you sat there with him on the couch, a part of you still not realizing that this was actually happening. You could feel Negan’s thumb starting to slowly brush over your skin in a soothing and yet still cautious manner, trying to show you some affection and give you the space you needed at the same time. “Y’know wanna make something out of this place, I haven’t been on fucking top for long, there’s still so much to change”, he eventually started, clearing his throat a little as his glance caught yours again ,”I...I wanna change this into one of these places we used to talk about and fuckin’ wished we could find.” It let a small shiver run down your back, hearing him talk about the past but at the same time, it gave you the feeling that this place might really hold your future in it, a better one than you could have ever thought of during the last months. “I’ll make sure you and your people will get good rooms”, Negan went on, holding your hand a little tighter for a moment, as if he was trying to make sure that you knew that he meant it and was already starting with his first steps to prove it to you,”You’re all gonna be cared for, you’ll get all you could possibly need.” “Thank you”, you mumbled only to see Negan quickly starting to shake his head. “There’s no damn need for that”, he quickly said, letting out an almost nervous breath as he looked at you,”Fuck, I gotta thank you for giving me a new chance.” For the first time since you got here, you felt yourself starting to crack a smile that got immediately mirrored by Negan, as the smile that had always spread warmth through you began to tug slightly on the corners of his lips. “I’ll use it to the fullest goddamn extent, I promise”, he assured again, holding onto your hand while you tried to let yourself relax a little more and lean into his touch.  You still had to get used to it again and you were sure that it would take its time, similarly with your trust to him. You needed to move towards each other in baby steps again, give yourself enough time to fight the demons in you and the fears and mistrust they carried with themselves so you could start to feel safe and comfortable enough to let yourself fall again.  You just wanted to process this all first and give yourself the chance to let the reality of what had actually happened take the top spot in your head instead of all the other torturous scenarios that had kept your head under control for months. You just wanted to be able to finally give yourself the chance for a better future, even though it would take time and effort to get to it.  You hoped that with the closure, the answers to your questions and the new opportunities that presented themselves, you’d be able to let the pain that had become your everlasting companion fade, and instead make room for the things you had missed the most; pure happiness, laughs so intense that they made your belly hurt and the feeling of being safe and wanted.  And for the very first time after all these months, you felt like these things were reachable again, no matter the hard work that was needed to get them.  For the very first time after all these months, you felt like you could start to free yourself from the cuffs of the past and step into a new, better life, together with Negan.

________

Lyrics (Unless Tumblr screwed the fonts up, the bolt words below are those that I especially used in this imagine!) I can see you standin', honey With his arms around your body Laughin' but the joke's not funny at all And it took you five whole minutes To pack us up and leave me with it Holdin' all this love out here in the hall I think I've seen this film before And I didn't like the ending You're not my homeland anymore So what am I defendin' now? You were my town Now I'm in exile seein' you out I think I've seen this film before Hoo, hoo-ooh Hoo, hoo-ooh Hoo, hoo-ooh I can see you starin', honey Like he's just your understudy Like you'd get your knuckles bloody for me Second, third, and hundredth chances Balancin' on breaking branches Those eyes add insult to injury I think I've seen this film before And I didn't like the ending I'm not your problem anymore So who am I offending now? You were my crown Now I'm in exile seein' you out I think I've seen this film before So I'm leavin' out the side door So step right out There is no amount Of cryin' I can do for you All this time We always walked a very thin line You didn't even hear me out (You didn't even hear me out) You never gave a warning sign (I gave so many signs) All this time I never learned to read your mind (Never learned to read my mind) I couldn't turn things around (You never turned things around) 'Cause you never gave a warning sign (I gave so many signs) So many signs So many signs (You didn't even see the signs) I think I've seen this film before And I didn't like the ending You're not my homeland anymore So what am I defending now? You were my town Now I'm in exile seein' you out I think I've seen this film before So I'm leaving out the side door So step right out There is no amount Of cryin' I can do for you ___________ The gif is not mine. I found it on google so all credit to the original owner!

[marcilled]

[this is gonna be a big long post about minecraft youtuber drama... press J to scroll past this if you don’t care about that. lol. sorry]

idunno if anybody took my post the other day as me “cancelling dream for cheating in a videogame”, i posted it mostly out of bemusement of the whole situation, and because that video was really well put-together. (context: his 1.16 speedruns were disqualified by the minecraft speedrun.com moderators & there was a video & document explaining why).

I definitely don’t correlate cheating a speedrun w/ ableism, racism, etc etc. I already knew about a lot of nasty shit dream has done, like the video he did with Notch, and how all of his early content was about pewdiepie, just further normalizing those two to his young audience. I’ve always disliked him for those things, which I’ve been aware of pretty much as long as I’ve known of him, and he has never apologized for those things. It’s why whenever I posted about him before (which was... maybe once or twice?), I always say “don’t stan him or anything he sucks”.

I had no idea there was so much more to it honestly. It’s kind of galling seeing the full context now, because whenever I’ve seen any kind of criticism against him, it’s been him presenting it in an apology. I dunno why I wasn’t suspicious of this given what I already knew about him, but the guy seems to be very clever with how he damage controls any sort of possible controversy regarding him. He presents a really heartfelt, honest apology for whatever happened and gives a few cherrypicked examples of things that people said about him and says how wrong he was and how he doesn’t want to alienate his viewers.

The fact that it’s Dream presenting the evidence of his controversies, means that he gets to control how the conversation goes. Instead of a popular “mcyt” stan account getting to control the conversation, pointing out the shit he’s said and done, he addresses it in a livestream, and does not provide the original context. Huh, I wonder why. It’s almost as if he doesn’t want everyone to see that his mistakes are more than just little “oopsies”, it’s him being actively malicious and getting so defensive that he tells off anybody who could possibly disagree with his view of things.

While his actions and words are pretty horrid on their own, I think the thing that has me most concerned about Dream is... He seems pretty fuckin’ good at manipulating peoples’ perception of him.

-----

After the video about his speedruns being cheated came out the other day, he had this to say on twitter (this is his second, “personal” account):

Now, as I said before, cheating in a videogame isn’t at all comparable to racism or ableism. What I’m trying to point out here is his response to any sort of criticism.

The video he’s referring to is this one, published by Geosquare 2 days ago (dec 11th). What’s interesting to note here is how he singles out Geosquare specifically in this tweet. If you click on the video, the first few seconds establishes that it’s a video made by the entire Minecraft java edition speedrunning mod team (which is made up of a team of over a dozen people). The video and document was a true team effort from every single one of them, and it only got posted to Geosquare’s account (& got his narration) because he’s already a youtuber with a pretty comfortable amount of subscribers.

So, instead of pointing his ire (and those of his many, many fans) at the whole speedrun mod team, instead, he points it squarely on Geosquare, so that people have a convenient name to latch onto. He then accuses Geosquare of using his name as “clickbait” in order to get “easy views”, sowing the seed of this idea that Geosquare is doing this in an opportunistic grab for personal gain. If you clicked on the video and saw the description/pinned comment, you’d see that not only did Geosquare disable monetization on the video, he disabled monetization on his entire channel for as long as this drama goes on (and he knew there would be drama, dream made extra sure to threaten the mods with a video of his own in retaliation if they ended up banning him).

Then, in a reply to the first tweet, he says that there are “multiple moderators” messaging him saying the verdict was “biased” and that they may quit the mod team. He provides no evidence for this. However, if you click on the tweet and view any of the thousands of replies from his fans, it doesn’t matter that he gave no evidence, his word is enough. If you’re wondering, Geosquare and a few other mods have stated many times that it was a group decision on their part, and nobody had any question in their mind that Dream must have cheated. So... Dream, who are these “mods” that are messaging you? He won’t say.

Lastly here, I want to point out that in his next tweet on the matter, he makes this very bitter comment about how useless it was for them to investigate a “16th place run”. It’s a minor detail, but I think it’s worth mentioning; this kind of downplays how impressive his run was at the time. At the time he submitted his sub-20 minute speedrun, it was a top 5 run, in a very competitive category of speedrunning the game. In the 2 months since, several people have passed his time using new strats, but that doesn’t diminish the fact it was a pretty amazing “run”... if it weren’t cheated of course. But, I’m just rambling on about how petty I am about him cheating at this point so let me get back to the main point here.

If you see the numbers on these tweets (hundreds of thousands of likes), you’ll understand why this is pretty scary for those speedrun mods. The same day this happened Geosquare joked around “I’ve only gotten one death threat so far!”. Dream’s fanbase is unparalleled in minecraft youtube, and incredibly sizeable for a youtube channel overall. If you’re not familiar with this new wave of “mcyt” minecraft accounts, it’s... it’s pretty much exclusively because of Dream’s fame. He’s the driving force of minecraft youtube content right now. Any youtuber who even breathes near the guy blows up in subscribers & views. His minecraft server, “Dream SMP”, is like... it has a legitimate cultural impact, whether that sentence disgusts you or not. Especially for young gen Z kids.

The point I’m trying to make is, ever since he came onto the scene in early 2019, he’s grown and grown at exponential rates, and I can’t understate the kind of influence he has on not just his own fans, but the fans of like. Pretty much anyone who is plugged in to anything minecraft youtube related right now.

People have discussed this before, but Dream’s sudden rise to fame happened shockingly quick. So quick that it’s almost impossible it were by accident. He’d spent something like a year or two studying how the youtube algorithm works, how famous youtubers grow their popularity, etc. He spent a lot of time studying, and it paid off for him. It makes me wonder if he’s studied how youtubers deal with controversy as well. Because it seems like he’s doing everything right to keep his fans “loyal” to him.

So I think it’s not unreasonable to say that it is pretty goddamn concerning when he reacts to criticism like this. His immense fanbase, who are often worryingly obsessed with him, of mostly impressionable kids... It’s a recipe for disaster, in the hands of someone so entitled and immature.

I think what really has me worried, though, is a video he published to his second channel the other day. Recently, he published a video about his “stans”. The entire video essentially boiled down to him disputing claims that “dream stans” were toxic, or that stanning people or “stan culture” was creepy/unhealthy. He spent a lot of the video comparing stans of content creators to passionate fans of football teams, and expressed repeatedly how he thought it was normal and OK to be totally obsessed with a content creator and engage in “stan culture”, as long as you weren’t being a legitimate stalker. He pretty much only talked about the positives of being a Dream Stan, and how positive the “community” is. The whole video painted this really idealistic image of what it means to be a Stan of a person, and fandom in general.

Now... I don’t know about everyone else reading this, but I found that video to be... incredibly creepy and weird. It completely ignores any actual arguments about how stan culture can be unhealthy, and how engaging so heavily in parasocial relationships can be quite damaging, especially to younger people.

But, mostly? It seemed like the whole video was basically designed just to reinforce the most unhealthy impulses of his stans, and reward them with the positive encouragement that he actually enjoys it when they are obsessed with him so much that they can’t imagine he could ever possibly do anything wrong.

And that? That is fucking dangerous for a person with such a huge fanbase to be peddling to their fans.

Surely, he must know- a great deal of his fans are so obsessed with him, that they think they know him as well as, if not more than, a personal friend. So that when he does something disagreeable and wrong, and he claims “no that’s not how it happened, they’re biased and trying to cancel me because they’re jealous”, they just take that at face value, because why would he lie? He’s so honest and genuine in his videos and livestreams!

This sort of behavior from Dream, along with his tweets I posted earlier, reads to me as if he knows exactly what he’s doing. I think he is purposefully insulating his fans from the truth of his actions, so that he can present this idealistic picture of him in their mind, so that it seems absurd that he would do something wrong.

I think it’s only a matter of time before it comes out he’s done something much worse, honestly. What it is, is hard to say- he’s already done so much that anyone reading this should rescind their support for him, imo. But, I know that none of this matters to his millions of fans. While I worry for them, I also worry for anyone who becomes a target of Dream. I could see this speedrunning drama being the start of a downward spiral for him. Things could get real ugly with all that minecraft clout getting to his head... I guess we’ll have to wait and see.

TL;DR, dream sucks, and not just because he cheats at videogames.

I apologize again for writing a multi paragraph post about a minecraft youtuber. I will not post about this anymore (probably) please do not unfollow me .

[seb-owns-these-tatas]

Witcher of the Night (Chapter 17)

THIS IS MODERN ERA READER WHO WOKE UP IN THE DIMENSION OF THE WITCHER.

UPDATES FOR WITCHER OF THE NIGHT WILL BE PUBLISHED EVERY SATURDAY NOW IN MY TIME (GMT +8)

CHAPTER 16.1

WOTN MASTERLIST

Characters: Geralt of Rivia x small!Naive!Reader

Summary: You couldn't save everyone and it was a decision to sacrifice yourself for the betterment of a family you've began to hold dear. Your existence in the continent continues to confuse everyone, including you and Geralt himself.

Warnings: Blood? Poor Jaskier. Cusses. Implied rape from fuckin' assholes. No more glitters and rainbows. Bloedzuiger from the games? Gifs of Geralt with jet black eyes? I mean..why? shouldn’t it not be a warning? Heh.

Words: 5.9k

A/N: Anybody missed me?! Heehee! Now, I fookin miss Geralt and Midget together. Damn it. *sits in a corner and cries* I can’t believe I’ve surpassed my own curse where I only reach up to 5 chapters then keep a story unfinished due to lack of inspo and will. 😭😂 (Update has been earlier due to my uncle’s birthday tomorrow and I might not be able to use my laptop. Hehehe) We’re in the middle of the whole fic, bb’s. This is where everything’s going to happen now. Probably might earn some temple scratching somehow. Hehehe. 

TAGLIST IS STILL OPEN FOR THIS ONE! Heehee! Don’t forget to REBLOG, COMMENT OR GIVE FEEDBACK IF YOU DID LOVE THIS CHAPTER! IT’LL MAKE ME SMILE! Sorry for the grammatical errors and such because English isn’t my mother tongue! PLEASE LEAVE FEEDBACK AFTER READING, BB!  

Disclaimer: PNG’s and pictures used in edits are not mine even the GIF’s too. However, the edits and this fanfic is definitely from moi. (Credits to bi-jaskier and others who deserves credit for the gifs)

MY WORKS ARE NOT NOT NOT NOT NOOOOOOT TO BE POSTED ON ANY OTHER WEBSITES. My official username in Wattpad is “TATATHEPOTATO” and that’s the only other site I have for writing aside from Tumblr. Thank you, Tater tots!

7 BILLION PEOPLE IN EARTH. YOUR DIMENSION. There was a myth that seven people might look exactly like you out of the billion that were born. Though, being identical was a once in a blue moon circumstance that held no support or proof that it happened.

Twins even had their own genetic differences, their DNA's were not even the same or even mutually identical to one another.

But, you were transported into another dimension that you didn't know about and based on their conversation and how you've perceived from what they were saying is that you have already been in their hands when it never even happened from the start.

They sounded like they've already seen you somewhere when they haven't at all.

Chevaliers circled around you with their swords sheathed from where it rightfully belongs. They've had a malicious glint in their eyes, dangerous and full of spite. Disgust even included in their humanized souls---if they were even still human. They were looking as if you were an oddball. Judgemental to the fullest; vaguely telling that you were considered as a freak for being the witcher's woman.

Forest green eyes scanned yours, listless but an anomalous situation from the group of uncharitable gallants who seemed to have similar odious characteristics. This cavalier stood out rather than the rest because his eyes held sympathy and not hostility. He was gracile, the same body built as Jaskier. But, wearing no armor just like the vampire you loathed the most. Other than a brown doublet which matches his chocolate colored hair.

He crouched before you, thoroughly scrutinizing your face under his gaze; finding something distinctive or common with the lass that they have captured three days ago, "Wasn't she the one we captured, Ty? That thief named Savia?" his tone held curiosity and astonishment when he saw the exact same face of the woman.

There was no differences except from the aura he could feel. You had her face, voice and body structure. Entirely the same for his wits to disfunction from what he has witnessed.

The scrubbing echo of gravel, dirt and leather made you turn your head to where it was. Tybalt. The fucking vampire who stabbed you on the hip and tried to sell those women away. He was there, right in front of you; grinning like a mad man like he has caught a mouse in the cage, entirely anticipating this moment to capture you once again with purposes you didn't know yet.

Kolby was nowhere to be found. After trying to protect you from the hands of Tybalt, your Hirikka was pushed back by the vampire and his strength, making you screech as Kolby loudly whimpered and growled when he'd stumbled; his back flat from the far distance before skedaddling off through the woods. The simple escape back to where he belonged pinched a your heart because he had already been a part of what made you happy with your stay in their dimension.

You didn't expect his leave to be so early; in the midst of being captured by the hands of real life monsters.

If people were scared of monsters in this world you were currently in, then they should think twice because the cruel form of life in every damn world was the humanity it thrives in; continuing to become cruel, vicious, evil and cunning because people lived to strive more with greed surging through their veins as their own demons try to conquer.

Humanity was everyone's main enemy and not their monsters.

Tybalt gave you a subtle tilt of his head, his grin utterly sinister; those teeth of his never showing the fangs that you have seen back at the marketplace when he was trying to provoke Geralt as he was butchering off his knightly minions.

The break of dawn was coming to a start. Peachy orange glow of the sun hiding began to rest beneath the mountains and clouds that looked the same back in earth. Its glow have made everything more frightening while you were surrounded by a bunch of armored men and a vampire who obviously had strength and skills to kill you in a blink of an eye.

Geralt never scared you because his heart was good. No doubt about that because he had offer you his house from the first day you've met, even treating your wounds and saving you from an Alghoul who wanted to eat your insides. But, Tybalt was different. He didn't appear to be like a person to trust even the slightest except if you were a princess in the castle.

He had his hands on his hips, eyes digging to examine your face. The way he stood held power and cruelty as he clicked his tongue, "S'not the feisty one. I know this maiden's scent. She's the real one, aren't ye', you wench?"

Tybalt abruptly crouched down in front of you, his fingers speedily grabbing onto your roots and turning them in an aching posture that had you growling, teeth barred from the feral reaction. The wrinkles of his nose shown when he defiled your space, abrasing the column of your neck that ignited an intense shiver from the disgust as you cowered away and struggled against his hold.

You've heard Jaskier's footing come to a stand, his doublet spilled with his own blood. Hair all wild and facial expression livid for their sudden visit. The golden, sharp dagger tightened around his fist as he marched heavy steps towards the higher vampire.

But, his assault came to a stop when one cavalier shielded him before he could have Tybalt within reach, strongly punching him in the gut that made him stumble to the ground in less than a second. Jaskier sputtered out droplets of blood, a pointed sword punctuating the tip on his jugular.

Jaskier's pained moans made you snarl right back at the queen's right hand man which made him instinctively tut, "But, the fragrance has a distinctive scent to it now---I don't even know what's runnin' inside the mind of this whore anymore," Pause. Tybalt huffed, scoffing with a grin as he interrogated, "---What did the witcher do to ye'?"

You could feel his terrible breath on your face. His hold unwavering from the resolute strength that he had when you lowly grated through clenched teeth, your eyes screaming elfish because of how you were trying to dillydally in hopes of seeing a white haired witcher to come running towards you with his horse. But, considering how he was probably out to hunt a monster, he was probably busy and distracted. So, expecting the worst was better than awaiting for a moment that will never come.

"Me." you fooled around despite being in the vampire's hold, "---He's doing me. I've waited for the time to say that if someone ever asks me what my lover does---so, worth it, Leonidas."

From your foolish response, Tybalt sneered before nodding off towards the paladins who surrounded both you and Jaskier; sharing an understanding to do what is needed and before you could even turn your head back to check on Jaskier, they were already beating him down to pulp. You've heard more grunts from the twink of a toubadour which made your eyesight go foggy from being hopeless and such a waste to live in their world where you had no magic to keep everyone out of danger, "No! Don't hurt him!" you shrieked out loud, the gallants never ceasing despite of your pleads.

More blood dripped out of the side of Jaskier's lip as he took another strong blow on the gut; making his body jerk that laid from the outstretched land of the meadow. You've uttered one loud scream to catch their attention, noticing the other gallant that you noticed to be standing on a corner was just watching everything unfold like he didn't want to be involved with their horseshit.

"I swear to God, he's a weakling! Stop!---please, stop! You'll have your witcher! I'll give you your witcher just stop!"

With one signal of his head, the cavaliers stopped their battering. Jaskier feebly straightened his limbs over the short grass, coughing out more blood from their corporal punishments, grumbling out a grouse from your choice of words in which you described him with, "Shit. Rat. I've stabbed three knights in the neck for you."

If Jaskier didn't acknowledge that fact and the risk which he has given to keep you alive, you wouldn't have noticed three dead bodies laying on the farthest end of the meadow where the forest began to meet its field.

You've harshly turned your head back to Tybalt, wanting to spit on his face for being one of the best imbecile in their world but decided against it to not irritate him further until Geralt was around. His eyes were livid, staring back at you and in your peripheral vision, you've seen the back door of your house slightly ajar, a slip of a pair of the prettiest blue eyes hidden behind the hatch that made you swallow from the consternation of Cirilla being found and taken with you.

If one person was needed for capture, it should be you; not the princess. If one was to leave their world, it must be you because you didn't belong to their dimension from the start.

One cavalier took his mask off, shaking his head for his black, medium length hair to fall down his neck as he curiously crouched beside you and Tybalt. Features telling you that he was stupefied from what he was seeing with his fixated gaze on your face, "There's a whole lotta' crazy we got here in the continent! The Butcher of Blaviken created bloodbath for this maiden?"

Though, astonishment isn't the only sensation he was feeling when you've felt his fingers graze upon the lines of your ear; seeming to be bawdy and suggestive from the sudden touch and you couldn't help but wrest away from his reach. Howbeit, Tybalt's hand that was yanking on your head made it difficult to.

"Though, this harlot is less feisty than the other! I would rather much have her for tonight,"

The knight's sentence was sheared off when he was strongly pushed by the shoulder from the vampire; his fingers pulling away from outlining your lips with his fingers as he fell on his ass flat on the ground. You've been pulled by the hair to stand, making you pant harsh breaths from how painful it was feeling. Hands were trying to wrench his fingers from your head but his hold was too tight for you to tweak away.

"Ingrith wants her untouched just like the other," Tybalt droned as he pulled you close to him, seeming to be tall as Geralt. His height being an advantage over your small form as he dragged you anywhere he wanted. The knight who was pushed to the ground grunted from how he was assaulted, scowling from Tybalt's shoving as he cackled in a shady manner when he heard the latter set boundaries from their current captive.

"Ye' know ye' shouldn't fuck with a witcher's tart, Allard."

"I would! The weccan' wouldn't mind, does he?" the disgusting cavalier brought his feet to a stand, dusting the grass from his flat derriere as he looked back at Tybalt with a slight tilt of his head; the longer his gaze holds, it turns even more disgusting as he looked like he was undressing you with those dark hues of his, they were the type of stomach-churning that can make you sick in no time, "Oh, she's probably a fuckin' freak like him, lad." the latter stated as a matter of fact, smirking in between his words as he nonchalantly continued.

"---Where's the freak?"

They were making your blood boil by how you could hear they were treating him. Has it been always like this in his world? ergo, he was living a life where people see him ghostly rather than a gifted human as he was seen in your eyes. You couldn't help but sarcastically giggle from their rude speech, "He has a name and it's Geralt. Don't disrespect him like that when you're actually the real freak, Edward." pause. "---You fuckers are worse than any other human." before you can even think twice, spit drizzled on Tybalt's face when you've fumed and barked back, "---More evil than the devil himself and I pray for each and one of you to go to fucking hell,"

"The devil don't exist here, ye' foolish cunt!"

Without any delay or second thoughts, a deafening sound of a slap has rumbled; it was a saddle-sore, the strong smack lingering longer on your cheek as excruciating as it can get. He probably used a little bit of his inhumane strength because of how you've descended down the ground; the side of your head hitting as your whole body fell. Your palms flat on the terra firma, receiving bruises on the edge of your lips because of how you've nosedived in it.

"Rat---!" Jaskier shouted from the background before you've heard the gallants haul him down to kick his face hard.

The asshole squat down to where you were stumbled down, his face showing no pity from what he'd done; slapping you on the face like you deserve it from being all talk and no help, "I suppose ye' don't know where he is. Fair enough then! Let's give er' a lil' bit of a chase---" pause. "---He must try and serve his purpose to the land of Kaedwen other than being a freak of a mutant and slaughtering monsters for coins,”

You spat out the metallic taste of your blood that went inside your mouth, shifting your eyes to where he was bent. You've placed your fingers on your side, gesturing towards the princess who seemed to be shaking and panicking from inside the house, seeing silver clasped around her hands as she was contemplating how to defend you both from the gallants. She had the sword that her and Geralt uses whenever they were trying to train; the weapon which has been in your hands as well.

But, you subtly gestured for her to stand down and hide. It won't be such a nice sight if she did want to help.

"You sound like the castle's loyal pet. Hilarious."

The whole scenario was a fight or flight, and the logical part of your brain screams to cooperate with what they wanted before anything ends up more badly than it can ever get. You lifted yourself off the ground, sitting on the floor while you give Tybalt the death glare as he grinned because he knew the action he did was a trigger for you to comply.

"Where's the other girl?" he chuckled, watching your fists tightened to your sides when you were on your feet. A bloody, deep gash on your cheek when some stone has scratched it and also from Tybalt's whack.

"Don't even think about it, you asshole." you immediately hissed when you knew he was talking about Cirilla. The latter also stood on his feet, tall and confident that his plans were going on the right path today.

"What? She yer' daughter? aren't ye' a child?"

"I'm no child, you fucker! Stop dissing my height like this!---and yes. My daughter. She's my daughter, so don't even think about it!"

Surprisingly, there was no tears seen in your face. They didn't deserve your tears. These people needed to rot in hell, you mindlessly thought to yourself and irritatingly bit on the insides of your cheeks which slightly drew blood from how angered you were. Peering up at the man who was giving you an obvious snicker because he could read that you were succumbing from how they've caught you in hindsight and in a weak position.

The lion cub of Cintra stood behind the doorway, crying her eyes out from how impotent she was because of how everyone wanted her to stay back. Cirilla knows she could help but people who surrounded her wanted not to use her powers as she has yet to learn and control. Hence, she couldn't do anything but watch another person in her life be in a snare or better yet, drown to die in this person's own blood.

So far, hearing those words hurt her heart because she couldn't do anything when you were unconditionally risking your life for her not to be involved because that's what it's supposed to be.

To you, she was being treated more than she can ever expect; the title of a daughter that she didn't knew she missed to need, a mother despite of being not connected through bloodline. But, a woman who would care for her well-being just like how her grandparents did loved her.

Consider herself lucky even though how unfortunate her life began. She received a father and a mother that will risk everything just for her to be safe and she knew she was crying right now because she cared for you; she was concerned like how a daughter would.

Your jaw tightened because you wanted to bash their skulls over and over again until they were dead. They probably was from how you've intellectually murdered them inside your mind since the moment they arrived. You irately peered up at Tybalt, your forehead tightly creased, mouth in a tight frown as you gave him a death stare.

"You want Geralt of Rivia right? then, take me. He'll come after if you take me, just don't kill Jaskier and my daughter."

Jaskier hurriedly shook his head and audibly muttered out his negations to himself from what you had in mind. You were surrendering yourself to them. The bard promised to the witcher not leave your side as much as he would do, but his family was prevailed over the count of cavaliers who came; thinking Geralt was probably there to fight with. But, no. The opposed held a number and Jaskier wasn't mutated nor skilled to know any form of magic for defense.

He knew today will be a loss and after hearing your next words, the humble toubadour knew that you've risked your life again for the betterment of their kingdom and theirs.

"Tell Geralt I seriously need some saving---and I promise this will be the last time I'm needing him again," you forced a smile, looking at the bard with your vermillion all drenched in claret red liquid while trying to send off the meaning that you would be okay while you were away with them.

Nevertheless, he never heard the fast, anxious beating of your heart for what will welcome you to wherever they decide to put you in.

Rough hands shoved you forward, making you look away from Jaskier as you began to take grudging steps to where Tybalt's horse awaits, the image of your smile falling was the last that Jaskier can remember before you left, "---Also, tell him I have a very important secret to say so he better hurry up!"

Scattered skeletons were buried beneath the dank ground of the gloomy swamps. Nightfall has taken its course when Geralt arrived; surprising to say that he arrived earlier than he expected to. Some trees were dead while the others have been cut-off by their limbs from inexplainable reasons. From monsters who probably lived in the area and based on how the moon aligned, it was already midnight; close to morning.

The witcher was wounded. Abnormally drained and in fatigue from using his little spells to slaughter the Bloedzuiger; his arm, back and torso currently in pain due to its acidic blood that splattered him, slightly ruining the body of his armor and the under shirt he wore.

Geralt has used Aard and Igni to fight off the beast and his energy spiked low to the point that he could sleep standing on the ground. But, the idea of his family alone made him push the plan aside because his family was more important than his life.

The latter even took a faster route to arrive and slaughter the beast earlier than his estimated days.

He was just beyond drained and parched tonight.

Long, begrudging sighs left his lips. His hair was sticking all over, eyes still black from the potion he drank, clothes all wet from being shoved under the water and a face too grubby that also held burnt patches that will surely heal in no time. Though, some will probably earn him a scar or two. He was stalking towards his horse, his silver sword that was used for monsters on one hand when the witcher has heard a tiny step of footing that broke a twig, making him slightly turn his head to the quiet noise he heard.

This intruder took more cautious steps closer and he wanted to curse out loud for all the interruptions that made his life more complicated than it already is.

Human. Geralt knew it was human. This person even had a scent to it. She was a woman who had a strong floral fragrance; rose and earthy.

"You shouldn't be here," he lackadaisically declared to no one in particular as he sighed for the hundredth time this day. Heedful of the woman hiding behind a dead tree as he strolled to where Roach waited, ignoring her as he strolled.

Thus, the woman was strong enough to acknowledge a witcher in his full form as she decided to walk towards him, talking in pure fascination to have seen one in the flesh.

"A Witcher. I've heard tales of your kind. Though, I’ve heard new wicked bavardage from town that this particular beast has slayed my own kind for the sake of saving one. Wouldn’t it be wiser to choose the lesser evil or the greater good?" she scoffed before continuing, “---aren’t you quite miserly to have done such thing by killing less or maybe more than a dozen and salvaging yours?”

Geralt dropped the loot that he has ransacked from the monster, dropping them inside his leather bag with a scowl. This woman's tone of voice perking his ears that made him cease his packing.

"You were never just a mere epic," she sarcastically laughed in spite. The timbre of her voice thoroughly distinctive and familiar for Geralt to be incorrect. He gave her a sharp side-eye, his eyes jet black when his mind went in befuddlement after recognizing a face that he managed to memorize since the moment that this certain woman came in his life.

"You're the witcher they're finding. The butcher! You were the reason I was taken! Feckin' Geralt of Rivia, aye!"

She was you.

A face that always keeps his mind going in haywires. Features that can be considered as a strong weakness for the witcher because of how he'd easily let his guard down with just a glimpse of a face that could ruin his resistance over having another woman be prone of peril in his dangerous, hindering life.

Even only hours of being away from you; half a day to be precised. With just by seeing her face tempted him to reach out for what he longed for; to touch the face of the woman who'd felt deep sensations for him---accepting of what he actually was with no judgement in her mind. The ache and worry in his chest was not helping how he yearned to never leave you alone in the first place.

He couldn't help but take a step close to the woman who also had the same height as you. His obsidian eyes staring straight into her soul like he'd seen the devil and he was happy to worship; jaw tight as his lips came with a lour.

Geralt looked utterly monstrous for a person who wasn't used to seeing his kind.

"Midget?"

The woman instinctively took a step back despite of how she was running her mouth a while ago; fear shutting her confidence that she could confront him for bothering a life she also dreaded to live in. Her eyes filled with horror and disgust in which Geralt clearly has seen without the use of his doubled up heightened senses.

She was not his tiny mortal. This woman in front of him was beyond different. The real you wouldn't look at him in sheer revulsion; no profound emotion in those eyes that he was used to seeing.

She had her brows in a tight twist, sending him a nasty glare that got him humming out in distaste from an attitude he wasn't use to seeing with a face like yours, "I'm not a fucking midget! What a shitty name you've got me! Doesn't sound too nice to hear too! Ya' fuckin' brought me ill-fate!"

Geralt was quick to turn around his heel. Brooding once again from the bafflement that got him thinking again. Why did you have a person who looked exactly like you in their world?

"You're not her." he stated as a matter of fact, sounding confident with his assumptions because the witcher knows he is right. Geralt walked over to his horse, huffing out a breath off his nose from sheer displeasure as he heard the woman jogging to where he wanted to go.

"Apparently not. You're mistaking me with another unfortunate little lady then!"

"Who are you?" Geralt didn't bother to give her a glance no matter how he wanted to relieve the longingness to see your face; to know that you were safe in their home with Jaskier and Cirilla, hoping that everybody was protected and safe from anyone.

But, this woman with him was not you. He needed to remember that.

She tightly crossed her arms on her chest, eyeing the brooding man as sharply as the woman could with her maroon colored cloak strapped around her shoulders, the hood off when she'd arrived to have seen him, "The name's Savia, witcher."

"Why are you here?" he timidly grumbled, his silver sword in a scabbard after the fight. Roach neighed aloud, huffing out a breath when Savia was an arm close to her, acting like she didn't like her.

Geralt couldn't help but raise a brow from his horse's sudden actions, bringing up a hand to shush her with his fingers brushing along her mane.

Savia can't help but take a cautious step back at that; his horse's reaction making her feel unwelcome and unwanted by the pair. Though, her blabber mouth couldn't help but run on and on, being all chatty when she was in the verge of being chased down by gallants. Savia knew she could outrun them like she wasn't even being pursued from the start because she has been doing this for years; stealing lots of valuable things then never being found after as she can always escape from the brutal hands of lords, inn keepers, and a whole lotta' more.

"I've escaped! Stolen goods from the castle? Their riches? Serves them right for keeping me in prison! Oh! I could steal yer' coins too, if you want. But, now I shan't retrieve them after telling all my plans! I'm no fool! I'm a skilled thief. Sounds professional, isn't it?"

She couldn't help but giggle, utterly blowing with the wind from the occupation she had; confident regardless of how unseemly her job was to live. Though, Geralt didn't give any negative reactions because he was the last person to judge someone who had an indecent job just to live in their world.

He kills and hunts monsters for a living. It doesn't sound too appealing for a normal human, correct? Hence, he wasn't in the position to criticize a thief especially when this poacher looks entirely like you.

"---I've killed some knights out there just to escape, ye' know? Maybe a bunch! Ye’ can still count em with your fingers!" the witcher ceased ferreting around in his bag when he'd finally given her his attention. The color of his eyes subsiding and turning back to its normal hue. Gold in the middle of the night like star light illuminating her gloom and it made Savia stare at him in awe because of how he typically looked like without the potion and all.

Well, hearing the gossips about him from the women in the brothels and men who shared their wicked tales were really true because the witcher who stood before her right now was a complete knockout who had a terrifying shadow he left behind.

Savia couldn't help but pout her lips inquisitively, catching sight of his amber heavily examining her face with a gist of feeling that she couldn't recognize because of how she has never receive nor experienced the look of love. But, the woman was sure he was only blinded by the fact that the face she had held whatever he holds dear; a person he had in mind that he swore to protect, desire and care for.

Savia has never seen a witcher look considerate and warmhearted. The opposite of what people claimed his kind to be. He was the butcher of Blaviken. Perhaps, she have been a witness of his character changing with one simple cast of a face he claimed to be important.

She knew that midget was too significant to him when his face turned back to normal, stretched in a way that has him looking anxious, bothered and utterly worried from the words he heard.

"I'm wondering how I've been involved by a witcher I never seen or met. They were weird! Got me bruises because I never knew where you were and I couldn't tell where ye' live!" pause. Savia's lips emitted an awkward scoff, "---Those fucking gallants did a number on me for days that I have been imprisoned. They were thinking you would go and save me---oh, shiver me timbers! No obsidian--golden eyed witcher would save me from my demise!"

Geralt torpidly blinked back at her, his forehead tightly creasing; trying to deliberate what was happening. His thoughts immediately skipping to bad ideas and outcomes because of the fact that you had someone looking like yourself.

"They were shitty and off one's rocker! Especially that sorceress because she wanted to cast me under her spell, trying to get me examined because I didn't belong to their world---wondering if I had some sort of magic in me for her to possess. She was batshite crazy!"

He couldn't help but irritatingly shut his eyes, mutely giving himself a talk while he kept his mouth shut; not risking to be heard nor is this woman close enough for her to know what's inside his thoughts. Geralt chose to stay silent, breathing down long heavy inhales and exhales from the drawbacks that suddenly occurred.

Here was destiny starting again.

Savia loudly huffed before him, raising a cocky brow when she hadn't heard that deep, gravelly voice that sounded unfamiliar from the ones she has always been hearing, "Are witcha's always this silent? I've been doing all the talking! It's like you're a mute!"

The Witcher heard footfalls coming from a distance. Two gallants. It was only a pair for now and if the woman didn't took her flight before the entire horsemen arrives, she would be taken again and be behind bars in the fortress of Kaedwen.

Would he save the thief who made everything more complicated by looking exactly like you? Creating a mishap by stealing jewelry from the queen?

Everything he thought about would result in an intense migraine because Geralt know you'll be accused of a crime that was never done by his midget. Therefore, taking you in for captive would end up being like hitting two birds in one stone; they get to have him running off to where the castle is and also have the accused thief who didn't need no convincing because of how Savia showed up in their lives; ruining yours.

"Fuck. Why did you need to show up now and complicate things---even had to fucking steal ornaments from the queen with a face who is utmost valuable to me."

The frustrated question was sent to Savia who stepped back from the latter; his teeth suddenly barred and feral, sharply staring down at her. Totally irritated by what she'd done. Geralt heard metal being dragged out of its scabbard and it took him one turn of his head to be welcomed by two knights who was ready to pounce on him by seeing what he was.

One of his monikers slipped out of their tongues with such disgust and a hitch of their breath. There was no use for killing cavaliers tonight because this woman hardly have been involved in his life, yet he would still save because of having a weakness that seemed unfair for her to have.

Geralt raised his hand towards the taller knight who opened its mouth to shout at his fellow horsemen who held their torches from a far distance when suddenly a string of glowing, white line shot through his head; casting Axii for the men to take despite of how the witcher was feeling low with his energy that has been used prior to hours before they arrived.

It was a simple magical sign where it compromises hypnotic effect; it can be used to calm down people or animals, manipulate their minds or be used to hex enemies. A triangular white symbol surrounded the string of line which paved its way towards their heads; passing through both as they were momentarily stunned, acting as if they were puppets and Geralt had the strings.

Thus, after a while; Savia was astonished to see both armored men attacking each other like they were in a battleground and they were both forgotten.

Yet, it wouldn't last long.

"Witcher! What did you feckin’ do?!" she squeaked, heart beat racing from the adrenaline rush.

Geralt had not taken a second before jumping on his horse, gripping onto her reigns and pulling to turn her around, quickly nudging her to gallop towards the path back to where he could go home.

He needed to come back home. The heavy and worried feeling inside his chest wasn't just the result of overthinking. Geralt knows that there was something happening now and it wasn't good. He needed to know if you were safe, all in complete set of limbs when he sees you, if ever he could even get to again because the dreaded feeling was rising higher in such a toxic amount that would make him blame himself when you're gone.

Geralt couldn't even think straight for even contemplating about the idea that you were gone and out of his reach.

"Leave before they actually kill you. It can only last for seconds due to the energy left in me,"

He'd run off before Savia can even acknowledge his kindness. The Butcher of Blaviken has helped her escape. He wasn't a murderer nor did he hurt her.

"Geralt of Rivia, right?!" she yelled out to no one in particular after watching Geralt leave with his horse. The simple yell has caught the attention of more gallants, seeing the flames of their torches walking their way through the forest and through the swamps that got her zipping her mouth shut. Those two hypnotized gallants falling on the swamps behind her from beating each other to death.

Savia couldn't help but hum in interest, whisper-yelling her next words as if the witcher can hear her amongst his troubled heart.

"---Thank you for letting me escape! you're helpful after all!"

Geralt please axii my puxii LMAO. FEEDBACKS ARE SO MUCH APPRECIATED! (Strikethough over the tags mean I couldn’t find your blog, bb’s.)

Taglist for WOTN: @alyxkbrl @himarisolace @barkingbullfrog @ayamenimthiriel @hellodevilslittlesister @vania-marie @spookypeachx @grungelovebug @fangirl-inthe-us @nympeth @amirahiddleston @gabethelobster @dreaming-about-starfleet @uncoolcloudyhead @melaninstylezz @psychosupernaturalhero @missjenniferb @dance-dreamer @marvelousell @kingniazx @angelias134 @tapismyforte @chook007 @covid-donotenter @deadlydemon @cheesecakeisapie @angelofthor @carrieannewaywardson, @plantingmum @stuckupstucky, @shesthelastjedi, @a--1--1--3, @gutfucks, @raynosaurus-rex​, @britty443, 

Overall witcher taglist: @pizza-eater-i-ate-the-pizza​, @crazybutconfidentaf​

General taglist for Henry Cavill: @agniavateira​, @iloveyouyen​, @rahdaleigh​, @silverkitten547​