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hakasims · 2 years ago

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The Ultimate And Entirely Correct Ranking Of Every Single Luca Marinelli Movie Love Interest

This post is exactly what it says in the title: I take every single movie Luca has ever been in, extract every single love interest of his and rank them all from worst to best both as characters and as love interests to those specific Lucas. The ranking is 100% biased. Of course, I’ll do my best to rationalize the placement of this or that character, but sometimes I just hate a bitch and there’s nothing anyone can do about it.

Also: Feel free to call me out on my blatant misogyny, since it’s pretty obvious that I actually genuinely hate women instead of bad writing, incompetent directing, underwhelming acting or just plain offensive character work.

Ok, let’s go. Obviously, spoiler alert for Luca’s entire filmography.

22. Antonia (Tutti i santi giorni)

This. This is a bitch I hate. She may or may not be the sole reason I’ve even decided to make this list. I hate her so much it made me hate her actress as a person, even though I have no idea what she’s like. The fact that this movie feels like her vanity project with this character as her self-insert doesn’t help, of course.

Why is Antonia the worst? Because she is aimless, entitled, bratty, whiny, envious, controlling, abusive, self-centered, self-pitying - and she never changes. She has no character arc to speak of, she never apologizes or redeems herself for all the shit she pulls (i.e. kidnapping a pregnant woman’s child and cheating on her boyfriend for the sole purpose of hurting him, even though she was already planning on leaving him anyway) and she gets a happy ending she doesn’t deserve. People might say she is traumatized by her past domestic abuse and miscarriage, but this is bullshit because: A) her ex-boyfriend beating her in the past is never treated seriously by the narrative, nor is the abuser himself portrayed as a monster (he’s more of a goofy dumbass, classy); B) usually when a character does something cruel because of their trauma, it happens in the first half of the movie, giving them a chance to work through their shit and move on a better person, whereas Antonia does it fifteen minutes before the end of the movie, and there is zero work involved. She doesn’t even get Guido’s forgiveness because he’s never mad at her in the first place. She hurts him and he begs her to come back. The movie literally tells us she doesn’t have to become a better person, nor does she need to overcome her trauma. She just needs to get married, i.e. something she specifically didn’t want to do at the start. I guess that’s what constitutes for an arc around here. Fuck Antonia and fuck the people who defend her.

Ok, now that I’ve lost half of you, let’s continue with less controversial takes.

21. Claudia (Lasciati andare)

This one is easy. Ettore robs a jewelry store and goes to prison for that, with the jewelry still hidden. Claudia steals the booty from him, fucking KEEPS IT and lets him go back to prison for that! What a bitch! Not to mention she’s insanely annoying. The only character worse than her in that movie is the curmudgeonly main character. This film is unberable, you guys.

20. Antonella (Slam - Tutto per una ragazza)

She isn’t so much Valerio’s love interest as she is his ex, but this is my arbitrary list, and I find this bitch annoying enough to want to mention her. She’s a Cool Mom and she’s dumb as a rock. I hate everything she says, does and stands for. Literally zero redeeming qualities.

19. Elena Orsini (Martin Eden)

I find her so annoying I actually made a Martin Eden/Legally Blonde gifset with her as Warner. She is snobbish because she’s rich and educated but she has no idea how useless and pointless she is as a person. She is literally a tiny piece of nothing. Fuck her smug little face and fuck Martin for being dumb enough to build his entire life around wanting to please her.

18. Nina (Nina)

She is sinfully bland and boring and her wardrobe is that of a child.

17. Edward Pilaster (Die Pfeiler der Macht)

Mickey Miranda is a world class slut and he wasn’t happy at all with having to fuck this guy, which is saying a lot. Edward is needy, pathetic, talentless, worthless, and he has the audacity to be entitled because he’s rich. He didn’t deserve to be manipulated and used the way he was, but he’s no sugar plum, ok?

16. Augusta Pilaster (Die Pfeiler der Macht)

The mother of the aforementioned, she’s quite bad, though in completely different ways than her son. She’s cruel and scheming, and people have died because of her, but I give her points for girlbossiness her son doesn’t possess.

15. Alice Della Rocca (La solitudine dei numeri primi)

She didn’t really do anything wrong. She just annoyed the shit out of me.

14. Vittorio (Non essere cattivo)

Let’s not argue whether he counts as a love interest. He does, moving on. I just want to make things perfectly clear: I don’t hate Vittorio because he stopped using and left his best friend behind. Drug addiction is complicated, and helping addicts who don’t want to be helped is basically impossible. No, the reason I hate Vittorio is his treatment of the women in his life. He is a total dick to Viviana, having no issues insulting and humiliating her in front of other people. At the same time, he becomes a limp, spineless slug as soon as Linda waves her sandy vag in front of his dumb face, and then he basically spends the rest of the movie being her little bitch. Fuck Vittorio, for real. (Fuck Linda too, btw, if she qualified for this list she’d be right there with Antonia.)

13. Mia (Il padre d’Italia)

Part of me agrees that nobody asked Paolo to play a white night to some random pregnant lady he doesn’t know, but the fact that Mia is so dismissive and ungrateful is annoying. Not to mention it’s kinda uncool to drink, smoke and take drugs while you’re pregnant. Mia is trashy, but she isn’t as bad or as annoying as the people before her.

12. Fulvia (Una questione privata)

That “got nothing in my brain” Taylor Swift meme is about her. Also she called Milton ugly.

11. Florence Stalworthy-Pilaster (Die Pfeiler der Macht)

She is Edward’s young wife and a sweet, naive girl who became a pawn in Augusta and Mickey’s scheme. She didn’t do anything wrong and she didn’t deserve any of this shit.

10. Eva Kant (Diabolik)

Seeing how much I hated this movie, I’m very surprised Eva is so high on the list. I attribute this to her basically carrying this whole so-called plot on her shoulders and actually doing stuff.

9. Enrica “Puny” Rignon (Fabrizio de André - Principe libero)

She’s positioned as the worse of Fabrizio’s two wives but really, what did she do wrong? Knew her worth and hated being cheated on? Honestly, Puny is perfect. It’s not her fault she wasn’t her slutty husband’s One True Love.

8. Lei (Ricordi?)

She’s sweet and cute and perfect and she’s played by Linda Caridi. What more do you need?

7. Mario (Il padre d’Italia)

Who else is enough of a saint to continue being a shoulder to cry on for their ex? The same person who is ready to sacrifice a lot of time and money to travel across the country to fetch that same ex and bring him back home after he got his heart broken, that’s who.

6. Margherita (Martin Eden)

Take Mario’s saintliness and apply it to a love interest of a character who is way more of a pill than Paolo. Margherita deserves to have streets and bridges named after her.

5. Viviana (Non essere cattivo)

There’s literally nothing wrong with Viviana. She’s wonderful: loving, supportive, caring, and resourceful. She deserved the world.

4. Maria (Maria di Nazaret)

She’s THE Mary, Mother of Jesus, but her biggest achievement is not murdering her useless piece of shit husband. She deserved Oscar Isaac but instead she got one of the worst-written Luca characters in history.

3. Dori Ghezzi (Fabrizio de André - Principe libero)

As the actual One True Love of the main character, she gets to be quite high on the list, not to mention her patience, loyalty, bravery and literally her perfection.

2. Joe aka Yusuf Al-Kaysani (The Old Guard)

Whaat?! Joe isn’t number one?! But he’s literally perfect! Yes, I know. I told you I was biased.

1. Leonardo (Trust)

It’s not a movie, and Leonardo isn’t Primo’s real, canonical love interest? I don’t give a shit. He’s smart, resourceful, level-headed, loyal, and Primo totally wants to bang him. This is my list, and Leo is number one.

Do you disagree with my ranking? Please make your own list and send me the link or share your opinion in the notes. Don’t forget to like and subscribe!

#luca marinelli #and his movies #and his love interests

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whentheynameyoujoy · 4 years ago

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So the ATLA Movie Is... Good, Actually?

Just kidding, of course it’s not, it’s so bad it sucked the paint off my walls. But after ten years of people pointing out its glaring flaws, why would anyone bother talking about this garbage heap if not to go the other direction? So here’s a very brief and very superficial list of things the movie does get kinda... not atrociously wrong.

And they won’t be fake hipster pokes, like “It’s fun to laugh at”, “The Rifftrax for this is OK”, or “Kudos to the actress for managing to say we believe in our beliefs as much as they believe in theirs with a straight face”.

(though now that I mentioned it, it is fun to laugh at, the Rifftrax for this is OK, and massive props indeed.)

Rasta Iroh

Yes, I know it’s not exactly the aesthetic of the real Iroh or that it makes no cultural sense for him to sport this do when no one else in the racebended Indian “OMFG what were you thinking Shyamalan” Nation does but goddamn, long-haired dudes are my one mortal weakness and I will ogle the hell out of him.

Jesus is that a man bun I see that’s it mum I’ve been deaded

Yue’s hair

No.

Now we’re talking. Yue’s hair turned white when the Moon spirit gave her life, so it makes sense for it to go black again when she sacrifices herself to revive the koi fish. It’s a neat detail I find myself expecting whenever I rewatch the scene in the show. Yes, I realize it’d be a pointless hassle to animate since she, unlike in the movie, immediately goes on to become the Moon herself but still. I like.

The Blue Spirit’s mop

Zuko, hun, what’s with the dance-off?

First of all, I want to imagine that Zuko the Theatre Nerd was about to leave his ship with just the mask like in the show but then stuck his head into the cleaning cupboard and went, “Yeah, more coverage might be good, even though it do seem mighty fried to shit”.

Which makes me giggle. I like to giggle.

And secondly, the hair’s movement is what makes the static mess of the Blue Spirit’s solo fight scene appear at least bit more dynamic because God knows the cinematography isn’t doing it.

Any particular reason why it’s at the edge of the action, shot all boring-like?

Now, I get why circular shots would be reserved for Aang while he’s in the practice area and then used once the two join forces. What I don’t get is why Aang’s part of the action scene has a defined visual style while Zuko’s delegated to a few stationary wide shots from afar as though he’s a tertiary goon, meaning that when the time comes to combine the respective pieces of cinema language and visually convey collaboration, there’s not really much to combine.

But as long as Zuko is stuck in this static mess, it’s that awesome disaster on his head flopping about that draws the eye, helping me understand that something even is going on over there.

It also prevents me from paying much attention to how the extras are mostly just staying put and a lot of the hits don’t land, so that’s good.

The music slaps

James Newton Howard is too good for this.

youtube

Pls ignore that the word “gods�� is used in the ATLA universe

I can’t be the only one who constantly uses this piece to daydream about writing specific fanfic scenes instead of, you know, actually sitting down and writing them. It’s just so good at communicating a sense of sorrow while speaking of rebirth that I find myself getting misty-eyed whenever I listen to it. Unfailingly, the soundtrack as a whole manages to break through the mile-thick crust of horrible acting, confusing writing, and uninspired cinematography and make me feel things. And considering how everything on screen is working against it, that’s no small feat.

Imagine what a powerful experience it would be if the score was used in service of an actual movie.

Dev Patel

No wonder since he’s the only one in the film occupying that crucial intersection between “is a good actor” and “was given something to work with”. It also doesn’t hurt that he breaks with the trend of actors starring in martial arts flicks despite never having done any martial art.

And all EIP-jokes about “stiff and humorless” aside, he’s a pretty decent Zuko considering how abridged this version of the character is. A while ago, I remember hearing a reviewer say that with his comedic chops, Patel should have been cast as Sokka. And on one hand, yes, god, absolutely, I need to see that asap. But on the other? He captures all layers of Book 1!Zuko, the desperate obsession, rage, and self-loathing, and at the same time gives you a peek at the soft momma’s boy dork that’s buried underneath. For Christ sakes, he exudes intensity and ambivalence even when acting against an emotionless hunk of wood that’s giving him nothing in return.

Oh, and I guess there’s a tree in the frame.

Ba dum tss

What can I say, the guy’s good.

Showing vs telling

OK, so this movie is all tell and no show, except for one single moment. And it’s the exact moment where the original goes in the other direction in terms of how information is conveyed.

See, I never liked this. The revelation is preceded by Iroh giving advice to Zuko who scolds him for nagging. Iroh then apologizes, moves in to say the line above, and is interrupted by Zuko who seems rather uncomfortable with Iroh laying his feelings out like this. And once they’re out, Zuko verbally confirms that he knew already and Iroh didn’t need to bother.

All this extraneous information and pussyfooting ends up weakening what should be a profound scene that reveals to us, the viewers, how deep the relationship between these two in fact runs.

Compare to the movie where Dadroh acts like a parent by fussing and worrying, with Sonion needing a single look to tell him and us that he understands what it’s all really about.

It’s genuinely efficient and just good.

No Cataang

Fine, a bit mean-girl bitchy from me since I only start minding the ship in Book 3. And probably unintentional on the part of the creators since there are moments where I think they’re trying to set the romance up? There’s a, well, an attempt to recreate the famous introductory shot of fateful meaningful destiny of meaningness, there’s some slight note of saving each other’s bacon going on, I’m pretty sure they’re the only ones in the film who smile, and oh, right, Katara’s shoved into her post-canon useless role where she doesn’t ever do anything, and is all about Aang right from the get go.

Yes, I will blame the “executive producers” because a) I’m incredibly petty, and b) it’s perfectly in line with their vision of the character so why the hell not.

Hilariously, none of it reads on screen because the actors are just... yeah. These poor kids are struggling so much with delivering their own lines and portraying their own characters they don’t seem to have any strength left to create something between them. To be fair, the bare-bones shot-reverse shot style of their scenes doesn’t exactly lend itself to the idea they occupy the same universe, let alone are friends or each other’s crushes.

And I enjoy this immensely because it allows me to forget the depressing horror show Katara’s life turns into post ATLA.

Yes Zutara

I need to delve into this because it’s fucking hilarious. So in a movie which fails to establish the original’s central romance so spectacularly that if Aang got lost in a crowd I don’t believe Katara would notice, SomEOnE thought it’d be a good idea to add an utterly unnecessary non-canon moment where Zuko for some reason feels the need to pause his character-defining hunt for the Avatar which otherwise has him ignore everything and snap at everyone, and explain his central conflict to an unconscious peasant he doesn’t know, complete with gently pushing the hair from the pretty girl’s the soulmate’s the Water Tribe Ambassador’s the Fire Lady’s the love of his life’s her face away, AFTER his uncle nagged him twice to find a girl and settle down.

I just wanted to make sure we’re all on the same page and this is what we really saw.

Celibate Avatars

I have no idea why the decision was made, if TPTB thought expecting viewers to understand the story through the lens of Buddhism would be too much, or if the “executive producers” already worked their retconny magic. What I do know, however, is that there’s a big shift in worldbuilding and Aang’s struggle with his role as the Avatar stops being a personal conflict defined by a) his grief for Air Nomads, b) his notion of being robbed of the loved ones in his life, and c) the selfish attachment to Katara he confuses with true love. Instead, what he has a difficulty to accept is apparently a general notion of who Avatars are supposed to be, i.e. a fantasy version of Catholic monks, no family and worldly relations, period.

I guess either someone understood the original’s portrayal of de/attachment as “hermit no freaky”, or thought the audience would so why not go there outright.

Now, do I like this on its own? No, God no, it makes the world infinitely poorer and changes the story from an exploration of ideas which aren’t all that ingrained in the West, to a cliché tropester about a Catholic priest going Protestant so that he could be with a girl.

At least I assume that’s where they were going to take this eventually.

I mean, I think the direction was “look conflicted, this isn’t the final stage of your journey”?

But consider this—the show went there, it built on the concepts of Eastern philosophy and touched upon the ideas of spiritual awakening, only to swerve in the end and strongly imply they’re bullshit and Aang should have never wasted his time with them.

So honestly, I much prefer scanty worldbuilding to an insulting retcon by a damn rock.

Multiracial Air Nomads

Probably the most substantial “no hint of irony” point on this list and a genuinely good addition to the universe’s worldbuilding.

See, the notion of the elemental nations being perfectly separate and never mingling before Sozin has always been sketchy but it’s especially ridiculous in the case of airbenders. It never made sense to me for all airbenders to be Air Nomads and for all Air Nomads to be monks and for all monks to be chilling at the temples all the time to facilitate a quick everyone-dies genocide should an imperialistic warlord ever decide to commit one.

Because committing everyone to a single way of life at a handful of places kinda goes against the central philosophy behind airbending. Like the freedom and nomadism part.

Instead, there should be more variety to the airbending culture, with some staying at the temples as monks, hermits, and teachers while others live as nomads, travelling the world and creating more airbenders, with the resulting children in turn being influenced by the non-airbending cultures they grew up in.

And thus, not only should airbenders not be modeled after a single culture to create a one-size-fits-all lifestyle, but they should have the most diverse and dynamic culture out of the four nations.

And it’d be precisely this diversity which would pave way for an eventual reveal that some of them survived, that their complete extermination is impossible.

Because they’re everywhere.

You know.

Like air.

#atla #atla movie #zutara #anti bryke #dev patel #the last airbender #anti-kataang

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amostimprobabledream · 5 years ago

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Why I hate Grace.

I was giving my thoughts on Peaky Blinders a few weeks ago and I danced around the subject of my dislike for this character but didn’t have time/room to get it all out. So here it is! Grace fans, you probably want to look away now. So to me, Grace is kind of symbolic of the bad writing on Peaky Blinders, which is especially egregious because usually the writing of the show is good. But right off the bat, her arrival creates a number of plotholes that don't resonate with Tommy's character. Just for a start, nobody seems to find it suspicious that an apparently attractive woman (seriously, people go on and on about how pretty Grace is and while it's not as though she's ugly at all, you can't help but wonder if the Peaky boys merely think so because she's the only woman of significance not related to them) is so determined to be a barmaid in The Garrison, where Tommy, upon seeing her, immediately asks her if she's a whore. Grace is understandably offended by the question, which again makes you wonder why she'd want to work somewhere where such a question isn't just an assumption, but the first thing Tommy asks - we know she's a spy, but the other characters don't.

Then, Tommy corners Grace and starts asking why she keeps being so nosy about the Blinders and their business. They go for a walk and Tommy asks Grace if she's a Catholic. She says she is, but when Tommy points out that no good Catholic girl would walk into a church without making the cross, he immediately exposes her as a liar and points out he also knows that she lied to him about what town she was from, because he asked around and nobody had ever heard of her. So what does he do? He...promotes her to being his secretary? What?

Okay, so you might argue that Tommy puts her in said position to keep an eye on her, or thinks she might be useful if she has the balls to lie to him, but she tells such an easy-to-unravel lie and her excuse is because she wants to "fit in". Again, he lets her off the hook but she covers up a lie with an even more obvious one - if Grace cared about fitting in, she'd make more of an effort to do so, but she keeps demanding Tommy let her sing in the pub and asks questions above her station to Arthur, which got reported back to Tommy. Sure, it's her job to spy on the Peaky boys, but she's so transparent about it that it's honestly ridiculous that Tommy would ever put her in a position that close to his personal affairs. Not to mention, Grace is so inexplicably haughty towards Tommy, telling him, "You disappoint me" when he kisses her. You'd think if she was good at her job, she'd learn to shut her mouth and keep her head down like a decent spy, but she always acts as if she's better than Tommy because, like Polly points out, she's a spoiled little rich girl at heart and she does think herself above the Shelby's.

Then Tommy completely inexplicably chooses to give Grace a fucking gun and tells her some men are going to come in and try to kill him and he's relying on her to bail him out. I know the cops were meant to come in at the stroke of six and they fuck up, but WHY would you ever place that level of trust in someone you already know is a liar? Sorry, but I just don't buy that Tommy was blinded by "love". I can buy that maybe he was curious about Grace, possibly even fancied her a bit, but definitely not so stupid that he thinks it's a good idea to put his fucking life in the hands of a woman he knows basically nothing about. She could have fallen out of the sky for all he knows. Tommy even continues to trust Grace after she kills an IRA guy right in front of him because she sobs, "I didn't know I had it in me like that", yet she disobeyed his instructions and whenever Arthur or John do that, Tommy gives them a bollocking. He lets Grace off, again, for seemingly no reason other than she played the damsel in distress role and he buys it. This doesn't make Tommy look like a smart man blinded by love, it just makes him look like an idiot around Grace.

Also, there seems to be an uncomfortable level in Tommy/Grace of Tommy getting a kick out of using Grace to piss Campbell off. It's pretty obvious Campbell has a creepy crush on her, and Tommy exploits that for all it's worth when he explicitly rings Campbell to inform him that he's going to bang Grace. (Incidentally, their sex scene made me go, "Oh, I guess they're gonna fuck now. Yup." It was like they did it because the screenwriter said so.) He's basically cucking Campbell and I think it's a big reason why even Grace fans admit that she's "not as good" in Season Two - Grace just doesn't work without Campbell around. At least in Season One you can argue that every shitty thing Grace does to Tommy/the Peaky Blinders is partly because of her job as a spy and Campbell is her boss. In Season Two, there are no excuses for the way Grace acts. She's a selfish, self-righteous hypocrite. She jumps at the chance to go to Birmingham on the offchance it was Tommy who called, then acts all offended when he assumes she came to sleep with him, to the point she actually smacks him in the face. What does Tommy do about this? Nothing. When Grace complains they could have run away to New York together, all Tommy says is, "I had things to do", instead of asking Grace why she thinks he'd abandon his family, business, friends and country all to chase after the woman who sold him out to his worst enemy. Grace honestly expected Tommy to put her first after everything she did to him. I won't act like Tommy is a saint in this - he did nearly pimp her out to Billy Kimber - but at least he acknowledges it was wrong of him to do and he never acts like he occupies any moral highground like Grace does. When Grace admits she sold Tommy out, she sobs she "did a terrible thing," yet never tries to actually help him out in a way that would put her at risk - she quit her position, sure, but Campbell's creepiness had gone so far as to propose marriage to her, Grace was still looking out for herself when she left, because it got her away from Campbell. She asked Campbell to spare him, knowing full well that Campbell has wanted Tommy dead since day one. She plays the damsel in distress again and she's pissed when Tommy doesn't fall for it a second time. Then when she talks about her husband, she tries to rub it in Tommy's face how he's “a good, kind man”, but then quickly backtracks on that to fuck Tommy anyway because her husband is impotent - and Grace just can't deal with not getting what she wants. Tommy's rich enough to afford to buy a house for Ada and Polly by this point, he's running Birmingham and seeking to expand into London, so Grace pulls the oldest trick in the book and gets pregnant - then Tommy has to do the responsible thing and marry her, because the baby is his and it's literally the only piece of leverage she has over May. (May even points out that she's been stringing Tommy along and all Grace can do is throw the fact that "Grace's Secret" is the horse's name at her. Again though, did Tommy call it that to piss off Campbell? This was before Grace returned to Small Heath but after Campbell had, so I think yes.)

Then in Season Three, again, Grace is pretty much a pointless character, because she has no purpose anymore outside of being "Tommy's wife". Campbell is dead and so the conflict of her character in Season One, as contrived as that was, is gone. People complain about Grace being stuffed into a fridge and whatnot, (and tbh, you could say that about Freddie, but Freddie also served his purpose in Season One after he buried the hatchet with Tommy), but honestly I think that it was all they could think to do with her because Charlotte Riley was unable to pick up her role as May for Season Three, so they had to work around it. It's the only explanation I can think of about why Grace is just such a blatantly awful person in the Second Season - I've heard people say before that Tommy leaving the field after his assassination was prevented would have been the perfect ending to the season, but that scene at the end where he returns to The Garrison and announces he's getting married seemed really hastily tacked-on - I feel like it was added because they were forced to rewrite the drafts for Season Three and put whatever plans for May they had on the shelf. Not to mention, Grace's actress Annabelle Wallis has apparently stated she hates May because she's "annoying" and "gets inbetween Tommy and Grace". No, Grace got in the way of Tommy and Grace - she's the one who chose to leave Birmingham after she got exposed as a Mole instead of taking the consequences! And also, how is May the annoying one? At least she doesn’t whisper all her lines. It's just so immature of the actress to bash on the character and encourage ship wars, especially considering Grace comes out the winner of the love triangle, so what's the bitterness about? (I've not heard what her opinion is on Lizzie, but I doubt it's as hostile, because it's made obvious in the show that Tommy doesn't love Lizzie the same and the poor girl is constantly competing with a dead woman for her husband's love.) Plus, in Season Three, the wedding is all about not upsetting Grace, Tommy's family have to play nice with Grace's family, and Polly is once again the only person who knocks Grace's smug ass down a peg by reminding her that the family haven't forgiven or forgotten Grace's crimes against them - the only reason they're putting up a pretence of tolerating her is for Tommy's sake. Not hers. Not everybody in the world wants to accommodate Grace. Killing Grace was honestly the highlight of the entire Season, because I couldn't stand watching her smirking over how she got everything she wanted when she didn't pay for any of it. (Polly is also the only one who comments on how Tommy has conveniently forgotten all the shit she pulled on him and Tommy acts like she was a totally innocent bystander when she got killed and it’s like, no, Tommy, baby. Grace knew what she was getting into when she married him and he knew that - it’s pretty much common knowledge that everybody who is even tangentially associated with the Peaky Blinders gets hurt eventually, just look at how Ada was nearly gangraped even though she hadn’t been involved with the family business for two years.)

Come Season Four and Five and there's already a problem here - there is still more to talk about with Grace, even though she’s dead and Tommy spends most of Season Three rampaging over her death. But he just inexplicably won't let go of her. And again, this doesn't come across as Tommy being so in love with Grace he can't fathom a world without her, it comes off like her actress has dirt on the director or something. He constantly hallucinates the bitch, we hear her singing all the time, it's kind of implied that Tommy prefers Charles over Ruby because Charles a boy and has a saintly dead mummy while Ruby is the daughter of a former whore (not that Tommy doesn't love Ruby, obviously, because he absolutely does), and what really annoys me about Tommy hallucinating Grace is that she's the only character he does this with. He doesn't dream about Greta, his first love, he doesn't dream of Danny or Freddie or his mother. He doesn't even fucking dream about John! Remember John, Tommy's little brother he knew his entire life? Apparently nobody else does! No, it's always all about Grace, who keeps helpfully telling Tommy to hurry up and kill himself so he can be with her again. This doesn’t seem like an out-of-character, guilt-induced vision - it mimicks her attitude in Season Two, that nothing else in his life can be as important as she is.

And that's why I hate Grace. (Please don’t send me rude or hateful messages over this post, it’s just my opinion and it’s pretty much irrelevant anyway since I doubt Stephen Knight is going to stop using Grace up as some kind of martyred dead saint anytime soon. I just wanted to get this rant out of my system.)

#Peaky Blinders #Grace Burgess #Tommy Shelby #May Carleton #Rant #Chester Campbell #Polly Shelby #Blogging

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bonesgadh · 5 years ago

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My thoughts on the final season of Orange is the New Black:

Obviously, some heavy spoilers below:

If you ask me, Piper’s storyline outside Litchfield was, for the most part, a complete waste of time. Instead of having her getting stoned with her brother or going to that pointless retreat, why didn’t they have her doing something productive like helping other former inmates or writing her book?

Speaking of the book, I’m high-key disappointed they gave the memoir storyline to Judy fucking King. Call me cheesy but I was looking forward to the show ending with Piper writing her book just like she said she would in season 6. Such a missed opportunity.

I really, really wanted Taystee to be cleared of Piscatella’s murder. I don’t understand why they gave so much importance to Suzanne writting what really happened and Taystee showing the text to her lawyer if it wasn’t going to make a difference in the end. Chekhov’s gun, anyone?

I’m so relieved she didn’t kill herself. I guess as long as there’s life there’s hope fucking Cindy will confess the truth and justice will be served. In the meantime, I was happy Taystee found a new meaning to her life and decided to help other inmates have a better shot at rebuilding their lives after prison.

Daddy’s death caught me by surprise. That said, I didn’t notice her absence at all for the reminder of the season. I guess she was a one-hit wonder character.

I have the feeling they had no idea what to do with Frieda so they just had her do weird stuff like accumulating trash.

Thank Christ they got rid of Badison so early in the season. Cringiest, most annoying character in the history of television.

Aleida is so stupid lmao. I get she wanted to protect her daughter from that pedophile but she fucked up. I was rooting for her to rebuild her life and I was disappointed at her.

I liked Suzanne coming to terms with her sentence and being more comfortable around people and making new friends. It’s what she deserves.

Why is Cesar out of jail? Didn’t Aleida say he was supposed to stay there until he was an old man?

So Yadriel isn’t Pepa’s biological father?

Shani, man. Her relationship with Nicky was so cute and you could tell she was different from Nicky’s other flings. She didn’t act like a stallion around her, she was sweet and considerate with her and her backstory was very sad. I’m pissed they weren’t endgame because they made such a good couple.

There was no need to kill off Lorna’s baby. That was unnecessary roughness.

What happened to Maritza left me devastated. That final sequence of her getting into the plane and all the other women who were deported as well slowly disappearing until there was no one left gave me fucking chills. It was tough to watch but it had to be done to make a point of how a good portion of the immigrants who get deported are young adults who have never lived anywhere else besides the US, but still they are not considered citizens.

I absolutely adore Fig. Her character development was one of the best in the show. Also I LOVE HER RELATIONSHIP WITH CAPUTO OMG.

Piper’s sister-in-law is annoying af. I bet she is one of those anti-vaccinations freaks.

Alex looked so damn hot in her flashback oh my god.

Goodall is adorable! For real, what a gorgeous baby.

I was not expecting CO Fischer to make a comeback.

Healy is still a piece of shit.

I can understand why Piper developed feelings for Zelda. She represented the potential life she could lead now that she was a free woman, the opportunity to start over and leave prison behind (like Sophia advised her to). However, there wasn’t anything exciting about being with her, it was way too safe and that’s the exact opposite of what she had with Alex.

Polly is even more annoying than she was before but Larry didn’t get on my nerves this time around, which surprised me. Maybe because his little prep talk is what pushed Piper to follow Alex to Ohio or maybe it was the nostalgia. Idk, but they brought him back in a nice way.

I felt really bad for Vinnie. He wasn’t only grieving for his son but he also had to see Lorna fall into that complete state of denial.

Sophia’s comeback was everything. She looked like a goddess and she seemed so happy and in control of her life. I thought we wouldn’t see her again after she got released from prison but I’m glad they managed to bring her back even for a couple of scenes.

Totally random statement but Piper looked very attractive at the benefit gala and the morning after. I don’t know if it was the hair or the way they did her eyes but she was smoking hot.

Danielle Brooks is the best actress in the show. Don’t @ me.

McCullough is the archetype of the psycho ex. I legit thought she was going to shoot Piper when she confronted her at her house.

Alex knows Piper so damn well. She is aware of the fact that Piper tends to run away from stuff when things get complicated and her choosing to have an affair with McCullough was her way to try to protect herself. Then again, I really thought they had moved on from that phase.

Fig lying about being pregnant to help that woman get an abortion was such a strong moment. Also her calling out the double-standard of the guard who was opposed to the woman aborting but wanted her to get deported? Legends only.

Lorna is such a racist but I can’t bring myself to dislike her. If anything I’ve always felt a bit sorry for her.

Linda is such a bitch.

Tamika was the only warden who actually cared about making a difference. I’m sad she got fired because of something that wasn’t even her fault but her good deeds made a profound impact.

McCullough is so damn unstable but I can’t blame her for developing such strong feelings for Alex. She’s quite irresistible.

Alex acting all unattached and cold as she was breaking up with Piper was painful to watch. I knew it wasn’t real but for a hot second I thought that was it for them.

The ICE storyline was out-of-this-world amazing. So powerful and brilliantly done, quintessential OITNB.

If you had told me six years ago I would cry like a baby with Pennsatucky’s death I would have laughed at you.

But for real, POOR PENNSATUCKY. I’m sorry she had to die for Taystee to stay alive.

Because of the ‘a fan-favorite character dies in the final episode to mark the end of the show’ trope I had the feeling they were going to kill either Red, Alex or Taystee. I was legit surprised when the final death was revealed to be Pennsatucky.

That Poussey flashback had me in tears.

Alex and Nicky’s goodbye scene was so sweet and I love they talked about eventually reuniting. They were my brotp.

What Larry told Piper when she visited him at his place was very interesting. When Piper told him she loved Alex he told her he believed her, but that he also thought she loved what Alex represented. I believe that was true at some point—well, for most of the series—and, unconsciously, Piper believed that as well. But, if anything, what they went through in season 7 helped Piper realize she did want to be with Alex. The extra limb analogy was amazing and I don’t think Jenji could have picked a better way to explain their relationship.

Hellman is the new warden? Gross.

My favorite part about the old inmates’ cameos was that they were shown doing the same stuff they did in Litchfield: Boo being tired of everyone’s bullshit, Yoga giving the mandala talk to new inmates, Gina feeling exasperated and Norma calming her down, Watson running and Alison checking her time, Angie and Leanne being stupid, Brook mooning over stuff.

I only missed two characters making a cameo: Sister Ingalls and Miss Claudette. I know most fans wanted to see Bennett again but fuck that coward.

Also wtf happened to Bayley? I kinda wanted to know.

Karla’s story broke my heart. I’m glad they included her character because her story is the story of millions of immigrants that are separated from their children, forced to return to their home countries and endure harsh conditions while trying to make their way back to the US.

Blanca really went out there and said “fuck it” to the american dream, didn’t she? In my opinion she had the best ending out of all the characters. I’m so happy she reunited with Diablo and is ready to live her life with him at last. My girl deserved it.

Maria’s storyline was so ‘meh’. It was way too similar to her season 6 storyline.

My mom Gloria had the second best ending. I was afraid they were going to punish her because of the phone thing but thankfully asshole Luschek finally did something right. I was rooting for her to have a happy ending and I’m glad she got it.

Also was that little girl living with Gloria and her kids her granddaughter? Because she was definitely younger than her sons but Gloria’s flashback stated her daughters are older, so I’m confused.

I really need to know if Aleida killed Daya. I hate it was left so open.

Flaca choosing to help immigrants was so sweet. I bet one of the reasons she did it was to stop them from suffering Maritza’s fate.

Fig and Caputo are adopting!

Cindy did not deserve a good ending after she ruined Taystee’s life. That made me so angry. I was really hoping she would confess the truth.

In the end, McCullough made Alex a favor by having her transferred to Ohio. She went back to minimum security, she was with friends and people she knew and far away from all the crap in max.

What happened to Red and Lorna was devastating. Red losing her identity and her memory was so tragic because of what a badass she was. Also I knew Lorna would lose it after her son’s death but it was heartbreaking. They deserved better.

It sucks balls Nicky lost every person who was important to her but despite that I liked her ending because, even though she suffered heartbreak after heartbreak, she found a way to keep herself sober and now she will help others the way Red helped her. It was the best way she could honor her.

Despite literally everyone around Piper advising her to leave Alex behind and forget about her (from her parole officer to her dad to Larry to Sophia) the fact that she chose to follow Alex to Ohio was a pleasant surprise to me. It showed her growth and how much she really wanted to be with Alex, and that she was not a mistake in her life but her life. I was never a Vauseman shipper but even I knew they had to be endgame, any other ending wouldn’t have made any sense. I feel bad for the shippers because it was a very tough season for them but love prevailed, so congrats.

I didn’t catch the Piper Kerman cameo until I saw someone mentioned it on twitter. That was so cool! Also I don’t know if this was intentional but I liked the visual parallel between Larry Smith & Piper and Piper Kerman & Alex. Larry waited for Piper for as long as she was in jail and never abandoned her, so I choose to believe Kenji and Co. are hinting at Piper doing the same thing for Alex.

It was a good decision to show us a glimpse of Piper’s new life. She has a stable job, a new home, she is studying about criminal law and using her time in a productive way, and also she looks happier than we ever saw her.

In conclusion, I liked the season very much. Orange is one of my favorite shows and I think they ended it in a very nice way. It was very well executed and, unlike other final seasons I have watched over the years, it never felt rushed to me. It was the best season in at least a couple of years and I’m in love with the series finale, I stand by my original statement that it is the best one I have ever seen.

I give it a solid B+, four-out-of-five stars, 8.5 out of 10.

Orange forever, indeed.

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canonicallysoulmates · 5 years ago

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Supernatural 15.05

I don't care for this episode. I’m not mad at it, and I can understand why some would like it I just don’t care for it.

This episode was written by Steve Yockey and it's his last work for spn, I feel like once you know this the rushed pace make sense.

I found myself surprisingly dissapointed considering it's about the brothers like this was a brothers only, angel-free episode for all intents and purposes I should be happy as a clam with it but I just can't get over the bad pacing, sloppy writing, just ok fight scene, and - no offense to Richard - uninspiring directing. Ok, those last two things are nitpicks, but the first two are a real problem.

I hate the pacing of this episode so much that no joke it can be considered the #1 reason I probably won’t be rewatching this episode in the near future, maybe ever; it's like the whole epi is on fast forward to the point where an entire spn epi happens in the first half hour, that's not a lie, the boys get a case, go undercover, find out what it is, go to the motel, save the girl, confront the monsters, all in the first 30mins of the show.

The first half of this epi could be it's own episode!

Then unsurprisingly, and I say unsurprisingly cause it's all written and played out so weird that there's no other explanation other than something else going on, it's revealed something else is going on- is it really a reveal if you saw it coming? I think confirmation is more fitting, it's confirmed something else is going on.

Which is when the second biggest problem I have with this episode appears: Lilith.

Lilith....Lilith really took away any fucks I was giving; Chuck apparently brought Lilith back from the empty, don't know how thought he couldn't bring back from the empty but i don't care enough to question it right now just like i'm not gonna question why he would bring back Lilith when surely the empty is full of more interesting, powerful monsters he could have brought back like maybe Zachariah idk I think he would have made more sense but whatever, point is Lilith is back and now working for Chuck I guess but she apparently doesn't like it but she still does what he ordered her to when she could have just idk joined forces with the boys told them what she knew about Chuck and let them kill her or something, I guess she hates the boys more than Chuck....whatever i don’t care enough 🤷‍♀️

Bringing this character back is in my opinion pointless and unnecessary and I'm going to tell you why; Lilith had a complete arc from beginning to end and she had a definite end that fit perfectly into the plot of the first 5 seasons. When a character has such a closed ending there's really no reason to bring them back imo, it can actually be a mistake sometimes; Lilith had no unfinished business, her being back doesn't add anything to the story unless they use her to bring back Sam's powers which I doubt they'll do and it would be kind of insulting to her character to bring her back just for Sam to regain his powers and then discard her. And you and I both know Dabb & co. are probably not going to use this character, they brought her back because well a. bringing back characters from the dead is their shtick, it's minimum effort that gets them praised and lets them sucker fans by saying stuff like 'an old fan favorite is coming back. somebody that hasn't been seen in years’ and b. s15 is Dabb’s version of s5 and Lilith was a big piece on the board to getting s5 rolling.

I don't care for the actress that played her, I'm sure she was trying her hardest but I don't think she's a good actress and I found her portrayal of Lilith annoying but to be fair it is probably in part due to the script she was given; same with the werewolf brothers, I'm sure the actors were trying their best but they weren't that good and that's probably once again in part due to the script.

Speaking of the werewolf brothers real quick they were a parallel to Sam and Dean and let me just say if the ending comes down to one of the brothers shooting the other they better do what the wolf brothers did cause I’m ok with both brothers dead, I am not ok with only one dead and the other living and I’m sure as hell not ok with one shooting the other then continuing on with their life that to me would be completely out of character for these two.

Back to what I was saying...

I feel like I'm alone on this but I found the interactions between Dean and Lilith when he thought she was a civilian weird. It came across as - and I mean no offense to those who write this content - but their interactions came across as a badly written Dean x reader fic with the whole instant connection thing, which i found very OOC of Dean like I guess you could make the argument that it was Lilith controlling/manipulating Dean but honestly if she had that power she could have just gotten him to give her the gun. And i think the whole connection was meant to be in a fatherly type of way but sometimes it came across as something else and....it was just done very weird. Like where were you going with this show? It's like they couldn't decide what they wanted that whole thing to come across as; I don't know the way it was executed was just weird to me.

I also didn't like that this episode puts it as if Lilith died because she let Sam kill her (you killed me because i let you), to me that takes away from Sam's story, yes he was manipulated into killing her but he killed her because of the strength of his powers, he became a demon blood addict so he could kill her that's basically the whole plot of s4. So implying that he killed her because she let him is pretty much saying he went through all the manipulation, the addiction, the pain for nothing because she could have just let him kill her at any moment. And you could argue she meant she let Sam kill her because of the manipulation but that's not how it comes across especially considering that she said she let Sam kill her as response to Sam saying he had already killed her once.

I hope the writer didn't mean for this episode to be full of surprise reveals cause if he did he failed.

The fact that it’s not a normal hunt and something was going on was made obvious from the start.

Sam and Chuck being connected because of the bullet wound has been suspected/known since the season premiere, this episode just confirmed it.

Sam's dreams being glimpses into possible endings has been speculated about since last week (perhaps earlier but last week is when i saw it).

The gun being destroyed is par for the course cause item that can help the boys always gets lost, destroyed or stolen.

By the end of this epi I was so done, not even the final scene made me feel something, I should be feeling for the boys and their situation, for Sam when he asks how they fight God but instead of feeling his pain I'm just thinking:

How do you fight God? I don’t know Sam maybe:

See if Death!Billie can help.

See if you can bring back regular Death.

Try to contact Amara.

You are surrounded by books of lore Sam!

Use the connection you have to Chuck to gain the upper hand.

You've gone up against Pagan gods and won you can deal with the Christian one.

(As a sidenote how cool would it be if they brought back Death, and I mean original Death to reap God)

I won’t deny, there are good things in this episode, I of course like that it’s just the brothers and j2's acting is great as always. The ghost pepper jerky scene was really funny (tip! water won't actually help if you do eat something super spicy it might make it worse actually, instead drink milk or consume another creamy dairy product back to the post:), Sam and Dean look cute dressed as Fish and Wildlife, I loved Dean pleading asking Lilith not to kill/hurt Sam cause I'm a sucker for that shit, I'm glad Sam finally told Dean about his dreams, Sam still looks hot af in a white suit so there were a lot of little things and moments through out the episode that I actually did enjoy and were good but there were no true highlights, it's just little moments that are scattered throughout this mediocre episode.

Like I said at the beginning of this post, I don’t hate this epi, I’m not mad at it, in this season alone - and keep in mind we’re only on episode 5 - we have gotten way, way worse epis, if you liked it that’s great, I just don’t care for it and as much as I like the little moments scattered through out they’re not enough for me to consider the overall of this episode anything other than bland and mediocre.

#spn negative #spn critical #spn spoilers #spn 15.05 #spns15 #opinion on supernatural #mine #this is as cohesive as i'm gonna get my thoughts on this epi #anti castiel #this is one case where i'll take the little moments and just forget about the rest #still better than epi filled with extras so 🤷‍♀️

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nightcoremoon · 3 years ago

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I love horror, I just have impossibly high standards

anyway some of my favorite is the kind that is totally normal from the start, there's nothing off kilter or weird, everything is fine. it's mundane. but then maybe something strange happens and it's less mundane, maybe it's more colorful or lively. but it's not like it's scary or anything. maybe it's a little left of center but it's still fine. life goes on as normal.

but then suddenly it's not fine.

and it recontextualizes everything up until now and you realize oh my god it wasnt mundane at all, it was just pillars of foreshadowing and you realize this is the most terrifying thing you've ever encountered.

maybe it goes on with the weird scary shit and things resolve themselves later, but that gives you time to breathe and get accustomed to the horror.

maybe it just ends. maybe it's just suddenly "surprise, shit is fucked!" and then ~fin

that would be ideal. like, in the sixth sense, you find out Bruce Willis was dead the whole time, you see him making peace with his death, and then the movie ends. except without all of the overreliance on shock horror and the visually disturbing (for the 90s) shots of the entire rest of the everything.

but if the twist happens at the halfway point and things stay absolutely horrible for a while that's also good, like coraline. started off pretty normal, got a little weird, and then suddenly boom ITS HORRIFYING OUT OF NOWHERE.

a perfect example of the last line twist would be the girl with the green ribbon on her neck. aww the boy likes the mysterious girl and they fall in love and get married, really normal the entire way. and then oh surprise HER HEAD COMES OFF. simple yet effective.

I don't mind if it starts out the gate with being seven levels of fucked. dead space 2 opens up with nicole, narratively speaking just moments after she end jumpscares you in the first game, so we're already off-put. then 60 seconds in we see isaac in a straitjacket being questioned and in the background there's flashes of being on the ishimura and nicole's ghost walks up to you and slavsquats and her eyes light up and she whispers, then SUDDEN WHITE oh cool it's ok look it's franco from dead space ignition that's cool aww he's saving Isaac oh wow it's a really creepy atmosphere OH MY GOD IS HEAD IS GETTING STABBED AND HIS FACE TURNS INTO A GODDAMN ZOMBIE HOLY SHIT THEYRE EVERYWHERE RUN BITCH RUN CHAOS LOUD MUSIC BLOOD GUTS FEAR QUICK MASH THE A BUTTON OR DIE!!! oh everything is quiet now. good job you survived, now walk down the corridor to the next intense scary part. lather rinse repeat.

I like horror when it's well executed or creative and not schlocky and relying solely on savini's gore or unnecessary carnage.

friday the 13th is like, oh wow that person just got an axe in their forehead, I sure am quaking in my boots. oh wow the tall stuntman picked up a sleeping bag and slammed it into a tree, this sure is realistic. oh the scantily clad teen girl is running slowly through the forest while cain hodder slowly walks towards her, and he somehow catches up and stabs her with the machete. wow the effects sure look like foam core and wax got cut in half and is squirting ketchup everywhere. the music is sonically engineered to force my pulse to increase and I guess this is horror? oh look someone else got murdered. oh look another murder. I'm sure glad we spent the first 45 minutes of this movie getting to know the shallow garbage characters before they all get merced. wow crispin glover sure does know how to shake his head when a prosthetic attached with fake blood is on his head. oh look a dead body with arrows in it, the scream queen is piercing my eardrums, I guess this means I should be scared too. yawn. it's so fucking boring just watching people die over and over again. at least the later installments were either hilarious or batshit crazy. punching a dude's head clean off was the funniest thing I've ever seen in a movie given the context, and JASON GOES TO SPACE is the dumbest shit in any film but that's what makes it awesome. it had a stupid fucking robot fight. yet everyone hated it, so they rebooted it and surprising literally nobody it was the same shit but with more cgi so it looked even less real (not that it did in the first place). yet this franchise made hundreds of millions of dollars in ticket sales alone. nowadays there are people who see hockey on tv and ask "why the fuck is that guy dressed up like jason voorhees".

tell me why a free swedish gold source mod with blocky graphics and muddy textures and the worst lighting engine in 20 years and some bad questionable design choices in an almost direct ripoff homage to silent hill 2 and resident evil 2, crammed with bugs and bad collision and hard crashes if you die in a specific level while holding a flare which you literally need to always have lit because that's the mechanic the entire level was built around, by a team of like 6 people (half of whom were the voice actors and navmesh modelers), is still one of the best and well-crafted pieces of horror media I've ever consumed, while trash like the fucking craven-less elm street remake gets its dick sucked by everyone else because OH WOW ITS SO SUBVERSIVE AND EDGY AND GORY WOW COOL THIS IS REAL TRUE HORROR!

of course I'm approaching this from a purely american lens. japan's horror is phenomenal. mainly because it's not built around buckets of blood and literal pig carcasses and abusing actresses and actual rape scenes (although it's funny that people are totally okay with all of the graphic murders because killing people is okay and indulging in torture porn is fine but oh, god forbid a film shows something skin-crawlingly uncomfortable for the sake of making you feel disgusted and wanting a cold shower, no, the line is drawn there, you can stab a naked girl with a power drill or drop a chainsaw on her body and that's fine but if a snowman slams her body into a wall while his carrot nose is inside her hoohah that's when it's going too far? seriously? whatever I've beaten this dead horse). but eurocanadamerica's obsession with gore porn in horror and blumhouse's shitty jumpscare factories have reduced it to just... loud noise, stabbing, loud noise, stabbing, lather rinse repeat. this is horror now I guess.

nobody takes coraline seriously as horror. nobody takes the green ribbon seriously as horror.

the monster chasing you isn't horror. it's terror. horror is when you step on a bear trap while the monster is chasing you. the monster chase without the bear trap has no impact, it's just "watch this person fear for their life and die". yeah, if I wanted to watch a snuff film I'd look outside of mainstream markets. "oh but if it's just a movie it's not real" so says the people who suicide bait cyber bully and harass teens who ship a 17 year old with a 19 year old, or two people who work with batman, all over fictional alleged pedophilia and incest. because it's all bad unless it's violence. only sex is bad but not violence.

the violence cannot stand on its own. it needs to have narrative purpose. resident evil, all of the zombies and monsters were bioweapons being manufactured by a corporation. silent hill and cry of fear, all of the monsters are just the embodiments of the protag's inner demons. dead space, the batshit crazy religious cult wants to turn everyone into the undead since that's their idea of heaven, and you have to fight them and stay alive so you can prevent the universe from getting omnomnommed by the blood moons. f.e.a.r., a little girl with some psychic powers is studied, tortured, abused, and :/ raped (at least you don't see it) and she naturally responds by lashing out at the ones who hurt her and trying to reunite with her baby, who is... you! (spoilers).

what is the plot of friday the 13th? dumbass kids get drunk and have sex and let a little kid go missing and his mom has a psychotic break and starts killing them all, then they kill her and the kid kills more people and then he kills more people and then he dies and comes back and kills more people and then he dies so someone else starts killing people and then jason comes back again and kills more people again and he gets arrested and they try to execute him but he won't die so they cryogenically freeze him until he kills people in the future, and in a different timeline he kills people and fights freddy krueger. it's pointless. popcorn. drivel. there is no narrative purpose, it's just murder for murder's sake. and that's scary???

like I said. impossibly high standards.

I love horror. but holy shit is a lot of horror bad.

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nequittezpaswrites · 7 years ago

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Thoughts on Wayward Sisters

Here be spoilers, if you haven’t seen it already, though nothing major.

What I thought going in:

I will be perfectly honest: I didn’t have high hopes for Wayward Sisters going in.

I can understand why people are interested in a Supernatural spin-off, especially focusing on women. The show hasn’t had many woman characters who got much screen time or even survived for very long. While I’d prefer to see that rectified in the actual show, rather than in a separate spinoff, it’s still nice to see that a concept like Wayward Sisters can get serious consideration.

But six women? Six?

It feels like the writers said, “You want girls? Oh, we’ll give you girls. All the girls!” It’s too many characters, and I’m not invested in all of them. Six main characters is a big jump for a show that’s always focused on the bond between two brothers, for me. (Not to mention the fact that Patience and Kaia are too new and underdeveloped for me to really care about them yet.)

To demonstrate what I mean, here is the key dynamic in Supernatural: Sam and Dean.

There are other characters, of course, but the strongest bond has always been between these two, and others are secondary. Even if you add Castiel into this mix as a third main character of arguably equal importance, what you get is still a nice solid triangle. Easy to follow, easy to care about each character’s relationship to each other.

Now you have Wayward Sisters, with a cast of six.

That’s a lot more to keep track of, isn’t it? I’m sure, given enough time, you could explore each of these relationships and what makes them unique and interesting, but it’s a lot tougher and a lot more unstable than the Supernatural dynamic I’ve outlined above. There’s just too many moving pieces.

My other bias going into watching WS is that I do not. Like. Claire. But I’ll go into that further below.

What I liked:

Let me be clear: while I had serious doubts, I also love Supernatural, and I love Donna and Jody, so I tried to set aside my preconceptions and give this episode, and possibly this series, a shot. And while I have a lot of complaints, I don’t want to go into them without giving the episode props for what I feel it did well.

What did it do well?

Donna, bitches.

(As an aside, Donna was also my favorite companion on Doctor Who when I followed that show. Is it the name? Are women/characters named Donna simply better than the rest of us lowly humans? This topic demands further investigation.)

DONNA, I LOVE YOU AND I WANT YOU TO BE MY BEST FRIEND FOREVER. I feel like Donna has grown in the episodes we’ve seen her in, and she has even more room to grow. I love her relationship with Jody, and if this show was just about Jody and Donna in a buddy-cop monster-hunting show where they had to deal with ignorant and even sexist local sheriffs and policemen while trying to fight the supernatural and keep their jobs, I’d be all for it.

What I didn’t like:

Most of it, unfortunately. I’m sorry, I wanted to like it. I wish it had surprised me, but I basically got what I expected. You just can’t make me care about the relationships between six people, two to three of whom I barely know and one I actively dislike, in 44 minutes.

Especially when Claire seems to be shaping up to be the main character, and I can’t stand her.

The reasons why are a mix of things: the way her character is written, and her dialogue, is cringe-inducing. (I literally said, out loud, “UGH” several times watching Wayward Sisters.) I’m also not a fan of the actress’s performance, which feels pretty flat, but I’m willing to be charitable and say that might also tie into the writing.

My biggest problem with Claire, though, is that she is a teenage girl. And not just a teenage girl, but the sort of stereotypical self-centered, overly dramatic teenage girl that gives all teenage girls a bad name with her stupid hair braid and eyeliner and pointless rebellion.

I didn’t like teenage girls even when I was one, and I certainly don’t like them any more now that I’m in my mid-twenties. Supernatural has plenty of drama and angst, but it’s never been teenage drama and angst, which to me always feels forced, unnecessary, and uninteresting.

And I could handle disliking Claire, actually, if she were treated/portrayed differently. There was a bit where Claire and Kaia bonded over their various scars. I would have liked Claire a lot more if I could see her getting the shit kicked out of her by monsters and learning hard lessons, but I didn’t get to see any of that learning and growth. It all happened off-screen, which means as far as I know, Claire is just the same whiny brat I’ve seen before, but now she can kill monsters.

Even though I don’t like Claire as a character, I think I could have grown to like her if I was able to watch her make mistakes, get in over her head, and have to call Jody for help. Struggling with wanting to be independent, but not being strong enough yet to stand/hunt on her own. Nearly getting herself killed, or nearly getting Jody killed with her carelessness, and that being the wake-up call she needs to be more aware and less reckless.

So Claire’s not irredeemable, in my opinion, but all the growth I want to see in her, the adventures of hers I’m most interested in seeing, happened off-camera somewhere.

She has a scar on her ankle from a ghoul bite. SHOW ME THAT HUNT PLEASE!

Verdict:

Meh? My complaints with it are pretty structural, so I don’t know how much of it can be fixed. It doesn’t seem like a show that you could enjoy if you aren’t already invested in Supernatural, either, and while it’s not a prerequisite I feel like spin-offs should be able to stand on their own.

If it does get picked up, I’ll give it a shot, though. For Donna.

#supernatural #wayward sisters #anti wayward sisters #spn spoilers #claire novak #donna hanscum #donna spn #claire spn

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wuschwusch · 4 years ago

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I agree with a lot of this. The accents should've been a warning sign. They were hard to ignore. Suspension of disbelief... Poof.

One of my biggest issues was the pacing and structure. It felt like it was all over the place at times. And I don't necessarily mean Hannah's episode. I actually really enjoyed that one. But the overall pacing of the show didn't work for me. You could tell they had a ton of ideas, but bringing them together in a cohesive thematic narrative didn't work for me.

There were just many missed opportunities. The weight they gave Viola's episode in the overall story made no sense to me. Up until then, it's literally only Peter and Rebecca and the kids when it comes to the horror of Bly and suddenly we're supposed to care about this new character and we're gonna spend an entire black and white (pretentious style choice in my eyes cause it didn't add anything) episode following her rather boring fate.

Why did we suffer through all these moments with Peter and Rebecca only to have Viola up our sleeve. I didn't care much for any of them. Well, tbf I cared for Rebecca, but they gave her a shit storyline. Rebecca never got a real backstory other than her wish to be taken seriously about her professional ambitions. If the relationship with Peter was meant to speak to abusive and toxic relationships, ok, I can see that, but still, so much focus was on Peter and his abusive past and Rebecca just got a really shit deal. And on top of that, the only two women of color and the gay woman all end up dead in the end. And the woc are both killed by white abusive men. I mean... You can say whatever you want about genre and that that's part of the deal, but this fact remains. All of these three women experienced pointless and horrible deaths. There was just A LOT of female suffering.

I cared for Hannah, I cared for Owen, I cared for Rebecca and I cared for Dani... All of these characters suffer tremendously. If the aim is to have all of them suffer. If that's the resolution, then they've succeeded. To me, that's not entertaining television.

Even if it's genre TV... Look at your death toll and the outcome. Yes Hannah's story is supposedly meaningful, but in the end, she died a horrible meaningless death and her character was used as a riddle which once it was solved (pretty much in episode one as you pointed out), lost most of its appeal and had no real function anymore. She was a prop in the grand scheme of things. And even a love story that the actors sold the hell out of can't make up for that. On the contrary, it makes me more mad, cause she deserved better. She was so faithful, she could've been like a guardian angel for the house or could've played a meaningful part in breaking the curse.

I mean, don't get me wrong, the wlw on Bly were super cute and they had great chemistry and they have some really wonderful scenes. But I also felt like the pacing wasn't done well. That moon flower monologue felt theatrical and not really earned when it happened. I wish, they'd had more built up. More scenes so that a big romantic gesture like that would've hit the emotional depth they were going for. They kinda fast tracked their story once they finally let them interact. The actress who played Jamie did a great job, but the monologue felt pretentious and not like it was an organic continuation of their interactions. Like someone in the writing room had the idea with the moon flower and then they needed a good moment to put this in the story and who better than the gardener to deliver this piece of dialog and information. Let's tie it to her backstory and let her just narrate her entire life in 5 minutes as well, so we give her some backstory and we got the thematic moon flower in there and a really romantic scene... Boom. Nailed it. I wish, they'd given Jamie an actual flashback or an episode to explore her backstory. Her backstory consists of that monologue. That's it.

And like you mentioned, the framing device of older Jamie telling the entire 10 hour long story does not work. I think in general narration, pure narration is not really the language of film and if you choose to integrate it, it has to be done really really well. Voice over narration in particular usually is a lazy tool in film and for it to be more than that, you have to be skilled to do so.

And as much as I love Carla, I don't think that Viola voice over episode did the trick. I'd appreciated flashback scenes or characters discovering Viola's fate, rather than older Jamie narrating everything. It also makes no logical sense for her to know all these details of all these characters and their point of views. The framing device just doesn't work with an episodic structure. It might work well in a film, but not in a series. By the end of the series, the impact of that first scene in the first episode, I'd forgotten all about it.

That's why Dani's fate doesn't feel earned to me, because literally everything happens in that last episode. Had there been more structure and better pacing and more time given to characters who were actually interesting, the emotional connection and the depth they were going for, could've maybe hit the right note for me. To me this wasn't the romance that defies time and space. Yes, we get a cute super cut of them together while Dani is suffering from dread since almost all of her moments were clouded in melancholy. I'm sorry. How am I supposed to enjoy this, when this all feels rushed and not earned. I just felt sad for Dani. After all those episodes of suffering and that glimmer of hope when she opens herself up and let's Jamie in, this is her big sacrifice?

I think if you want an eternal love story where one of them is dead lying on the bottom of a lake accepting 'her fate' in order to safe a bunch of children she cared for who end up forgetting that she even existed... Cool... An eternal love story that was teased for 20 minutes as to how it could be and was for a few years and then gets yanked away by the evil curse that hung over that poor woman... I mean... Sure...This poor character overcoming her trauma was asking too much apparently.

This show just left me frustrated and the cute wlw scenes weren't enough to get over all the other aspects of the show that were irritating and just not well done.

[Spoilers for The Haunting of Bly Manor!]

I know everyone is super loving Bly Manor cause ~80′s gays~!!! but some stuff about it sat really bad for me so I’m gonna try to verbalise it. Obviously if you loved it and aren’t vibing with a critical analysis I’m not offended if you don’t read lol. Also I’m not trying to say that there’s anything wrong with liking it! I just…didn’t, and I want to think about why, for a sec. (Sorry this got a bit long)

I think part of my problem is that I count Hill House as one of my favourite shows ever and I had ridiculously high hopes for Bly Manor, which probably couldn’t ever have been fully realised. And there was actually a lot about it that I liked, especially at the begining. I thought the kids were great, and I loved the core group of Mrs Grose, Owen, Dani and Jamie. I liked the fact that the Henry Wingrave element was expanded upon, and I liked the complexity of Rebecca and Peter, and the room it gave them to be fully realised human beings. I quite enjoyed that they kept to the Hill House ghost mythology - that ghosts are lost in time but fixed in place, and that they jump from memory to memory, and haunt the people that they care about without knowing. But there were lots of things I wasn’t so keen on…

Until the last episode my issues were mainly that it felt a bit…lazy? I can’t stress it enough but the british accents were really really bad. Old!Jamie’s accent was deeply unbelievable and jarring, as was Henry Wingrave’s, and although Peter’s accent was passable (I assume because the actor is English and not American like the others) it still didn’t match his mothers, or his ‘background’ - i.e. it sounded like a private school Edinburgh accent, not a Glasgow kid dragged up through poverty in the scheme - and yes there is a significant difference in those accents. I appreciate there’s a degree of privilege at play here - I’m used to the BBC producing high quality television where these details aren’t messed about with, and the production of Bly Manor was thoroughly American, but to put it in perspective, it would be like… if a character had a deep south dirt-poor Louisiana upbringing and spoke like somebody from a private school in Virginia. Other details also felt off - Rebecca’s costumes all seemed weirdly 2020-adjacent, none of the fashion or ancillary details seemed to match the UK in the 80s (which has a distinct feel), and the house that Peter returned to on his ‘memory bumps’ looked much more like an LA condo than a Scottish council house. Really, they should have just set it in America, because it felt more American than British, and they clearly didn’t have any British people involved in the production.

I really didn’t enjoy the narrative framing device of ‘someone telling a story to a group of people at a party’. It makes sense in the Turn of the Screw, because the narrator is reading from a document written at the time of the events, so the narration becomes a first person one where the degree of detail is logically accounted for. In this take, the story alternated from being one which made sense - us just watching the characters move around normally - to one in which 'Jamie’ (who’d apparently had a complete personality transplant that had turned her from a feisty northern lesbian into a coy, mysterious victorian englishwoman with a severe accent problem) adopted a falsely old-fashioned manner and told the wedding guests a ten hour long story about a haunted house. And somehow neither Flora nor Miles recognised any part of this story in the least, in spite of what must have been overwhelming similarities? It was very jarring.

I also kept waiting for a twist on a level with Hill House, but never got one. The big twist about Mrs Grose was, I thought, obvious from almost the first episode. I mean the woman didn’t eat or drink anything and spent most of her time confused about where she was, I thought it was fairly clear that she was a ghost. And yeah, I suppose because I’ve read the book I was never in any doubt that Peter was already dead. The ghosts in the background were much less spooky than in Hill House. They stood around in broad daylight while the characters talked and joked and it kind of felt like the ghosts had wandered in by accident and felt too awkward to leave. I really liked how spooky Hill House was - even apart from the jump scares I thought the psychological elements and the open discussion of death and grief was really affecting. I didn’t feel that at all in Bly Manor, and by the time we found out the details of Mrs Grose’s death, I’d already come to terms with it. But all of this would have been fine, if it hadn’t been for the last episode.

I really really didn’t enjoy the bury your gays ending. And I’m not even usually against this in principle! I think in a dark/horror context, where there’s implied to be an ever-present threat of character death, it’s unreasonable to expect that no characters will die or experience tragedy - and in cases where there’s abundant LGBT rep some of those characters will by necessity not be cis/straight. So I don’t have a problem with gay characters meeting tragic or dark ends, as a general rule, particularly when it serves a narrative purpose and isn’t gratuitous. My problem here was in the manner and necessity of that death.

There were ways in which Dani could have died in this story that I would have felt were narratively meaningful and cathartic, but the manner in which she did die failed to hit those beats for me. This is a story in which two women in the 80’s fall in love and are doomed by the world around them (we’re already in Meryl Streep 'groundbreaking’ territory here, in terms of metaphor). They know death is coming for them, that it will likely destroy them both, that they won’t have an opportunity to grow old together, that eventually one day it will catch them and everything will be over - they’re on borrowed time, and they spend a lot of that time looking over their shoulders waiting for shit to break bad. In the end, they’re destroyed by a force in Dani’s body/mind that she can’t fight, that she can’t win against, and the spectre of which haunts her through the years. Like… the obvious parallel here is mental health, and suicide - they even go out of their way to feature that classic heartsink moment with the overflowing bath. And to me, any story that has a message of 'no matter how strong you are, no matter how much love you have and give, or how beautiful the life you’ve built is, eventually the dark forces in your mind will Get You and it’ll probably be before you make it to middle age’ is… really shitty. The other echo that struck me was the HIV/AIDS crisis - obviously wlw were relatively spared from this, in comparison to mlm, but it still carries a cultural legacy of pain and trauma, and I really didn’t need this show to grind down on that for me.

And the thing is… in the original story, the governess doesn’t even die! Miles does, so maybe there’s an argument here that Dani sacrificed herself in exchange for Miles’s life in this retelling, but I’m still struck by this element of, like… they added this in! They chose to do this! Only one character dies in the course of this show (with Mrs Grose dying before the show starts) and it’s the gay woman?? Why?? What did it show?? Why was it necessary?

Not to mention, the 'epilogue’ scene paints Jamie as being very lonely and isolated. I’m not sure why the children didn’t recognise ANY elements of this story from their past - even assuming they forgot the ghostly elements of their childhood, they should be able to see the similarities in the characters, but the scene also seems to imply that Jamie really isn’t very close to Miles and Flora, and that she doesn’t even really get to have a relationship with them as adults, in spite of losing everything to protect them, and not having any family of her own.

Almost everybody else gets a happy ending, but Jamie ends the night of the epilogue standing alone at a table, with the love of her life dead in a cursed lake, doomed to spend eternity watching over a crumbling house, and idk to me? that kind of sucked.

#the haunting of bly manor #bly manor #bury your gays #BYG #Sorry this got so long #Seems I needed to air out some frustrations #Everyone who loved the show #I'm happy for you #I wanted to love the show it just didn't work for me

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serenagaywaterford · 6 years ago

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1) Feel free to keep rambling! Not only I love talking with level-headed fandom people, but our opinions seem to converge (even if my wording comes off as weird/wrong because of Tumblr's word limit). Anyway. I had many issues with S2, besides Serena's arc I mean (I'll get back to her). Blessed be the goddamned plotholes! Fred becomes a cockroach that just won't die (Red Center), because he's essential to the plot. Same goes for Aunt Lydia. (Although I'm kinda glad that she's alive, because

2) I LOVE Dowd’s acting and I’m excited about her background story.) Emily comes back from the Colonies and is smfh 100% healthy. Moreover, Gilead has been surprisingly lenient with Fred and Serena’s constant fuckups in S2 (mutilated fingers aside). June won’t leave with Emily, bc MOTHERHOOD (more like there’s a s3 on the horizon and drama is needed). And don’t get me started on that slow pace. The beginning and the finale were explosive of course,but some mid-season episodes?

3) They were dragging on and on. Examples? 2x11, where only 2 things happen: a) June gives birth to Nicole, b) Fred and Serena make it clear that they want to tear each other apart (duh). The only redeeming qualities of that episode was the wolf symbolism and the excellent cinematography. I get it, the series is successful and has more seasons ahead. But if only they had squeezed some episodes, it would have been so much better.

—-

OMG YAY!!! I’m gonna answer these in pieces since I’ll prolly flood a giant essay otherwise. Cos, lbr, if I didn’t know better, I’d swear I had multiple personalities and was secretly sending these to myself from a fugue state, that’s how much we agree! Cos I’ve just read through all your messages and sat here going “YES! YES!” lol. I think you, me, maybe 5 other people on tumblr, and 1 TV reviewer are of the same mindset and it’s such a relief to find others who are reasonable and critical about the show/Serena.

Yes, Fred not dying was just so fucking stupid I couldn’t deal. Like, it’s not even like, “Well, he didn’t die which is crazy but he’s horribly injured and disfigured cos I dunno, he was like 15 feet FROM A MASSIVE BOMB EXPLODING.” But noooo. Instead we get Fred in hospital with a scratchy throat for like a few weeks, and when he comes back he’s got a little bit of a limp. No burns, nothing. And, to top it off, he’s got all the strength and balance of a perfectly healthy man to whip the shit out of his wife. I get they needed to get him out of the way and out of service so Serena and June could have all sorts of treasonous hi-jinks together but surely… they could have considered having Fred not 15 feet from the bomb. It killed handmaids that were way farther away than that. Just a thought. Deffo an eye-roll moment.

Aunt Lydia I’m less irritated about simply cos, like you, I love Ann Dowd and think she’s done a fab job. And we honestly haven’t got enough of her backstory and I wanna know that too. I think this show can only really captivate if it tells ALL the women’s stories, not just the victims. Like how does a woman become an Aunt? How do they justify that? Or is it simply a type of socio-religio-politcal brainwashing, akin to a lot of Nazi Party supporters? Is she a True Believer? Like, honestly, wtf is up with her? Like, cos so many of us can empathise with the Handmaids and we understand how that came about–but it takes more sides to tell a full story. So, Aunt Lydia being back… I’m not too fussed about. I really do consider Emily so damaged that I would never trust her with a baby–but that’s me. She’s been so broken, so traumatized, and like I don’t blame her at all ofc, but she needs softness and patience and no stress ever again. Like, she is not well emotionally by any stretch.

Which leads into the Colonies bullshit. That was just really bad writing. She, Janine, etc, were there for MONTHS. Like, June ran away and was gone for 92 days (Thanks for that count, Serena!). And then add on whatever time passed between her being returned to the Waterfords house and when Lilly set off the bomb. That is a long ass time to be splashing about in radioactive waste. Emily’s teeth were falling out, right? Like, how she went from literally dying of radiation poisoning to “Totally healthy enough to pop out some totally healthy babies!” I’ll never understand. The loss of the Handmaids in the bombing isn’t a good enough reasoning. A dictatorship like Gilead could easily have just conscripted a bunch of Econowives with the sweep of a pen. That is how these militant theocracies work. They’re already half-indoctrinated anyway. It was dumb to put Emily and Janine there in the first place if you knew they had to come back, as they are main cast members.

I always thought Fred and Serena were getting away with too much but I wrote it off as Fred (and Serena lbr) being a HUGE part of bringing about Gilead in the first place so they get some leeway. But then, you see Warren and Cushing being dealt with fairly severely for basically hearsay. (Okay, Warren’s I get cos you had outcry from Janine in a massively public display and backup from Naomi.) I guess because Fred/Serena’s fuckups were a little more ~private, they could excuse/lie about them/cover them up them easier? Cushing was dealt with way to easily. Like… no. “Fred” signs some paper and suddenly Cushing is being disappeared immediately. I suppose Fred took over Pryce’s place in the hierarchy? Who knows. And from what I understand, nobody in SOJ knew about June’s escape to the big country house. But c’mon, one Handmaid kills herself, the new one another starting shit every where she goes with other Handmaids and is pals with two of the most notorious other Handmaids (Emily and Janine), then is “kidnapped”, is partners with the bomber, then runs away again, then again… Sigh.

June not leaving… I just… it was so obvious that she wouldn’t cos otherwise there is no show. But why bother with all that drama then. Like, what if Emily hadn’t been there??? June had no way of knowing she’d be meeting up with Emily. She would have just dumped Nicole in some van and run back? Ugh.

And the pace was bad. ITA. There are whole episodes I don’t even bother with on rewatches. I thought the season premiere was great, then it fell of a cliff and lost my interest until about the 5th episode? Then it got going nicely (altho 2x07 wasn’t great either), then took another nosedive in 2x10 and sort of coasted almost aimlessly until the finale. I don’t like to hate on June but honestly the really 100% June-centric episodes bore the shit out of me. 2x02/03 and 2x11 being the biggest culprits. I’m just tired of the excessive use of flashbacks that all basically say the same thing now. And Moss is a great actress but there’s such thing as too much of a good thing. Not to mention, Nick and June bore me to tears as well (SACRILEGE! Send the indignant rabid fangirls on a rampage into my inbox!) so when there’s a lot of focus on that clusterfuck of inanity, I tune out. I can’t help it. I find them so annoying lol. (Which is were I usually lose common ground with basically everyone in this fandom cos everyone loves Nick for some reason I just cannot understand. If you like him, I apologise! I just can’t. I liked him more at the beginning but as it’s gone on the less I give even the slightest shit about him.)

Also, like I found 2x02 and 2x03 to just be… a waste of time? Like, okay, we got to see the Econopeople and how they live or whatever but to me, there was zero point to the whole thing because we all know June isn’t going to get away with it. So, why waste 2 whole episodes building to something everyone knows ain’t happening just for the sake of some worldbuilding that I’m guessing could have been done some other more cogent way? 2x04 was basically just to show more breaking June down in various ways. Then 2x05 was just to show the Colonies and had a lot of filler in it about that. I still don’t understand the point of the “wedding” bits. It wasn’t uplifting or hopeful at all. It was still really dark, like killing the Wife. I only really liked watching Serena go apeshit because her babyslave isn’t making proper gossipy conversation. It’s just an interesting angle cos finally Serena gets what she asks for with a super obedient Offred, and low and behold, it actually sucks and she wants June back. Story of Serena’s life and she never fucking learns lol. And Aunt Lydia flexing on Serena was hilarious. I just enjoy watching them go head to head. Not to mention the grotesque child brides thing. Gross. Super gross. Like, a bunch of stuff happened but I’m not convinced it needed to be dragged out over 4 episodes like that. Not to mention it was all really depressing. I remember watching and going, “JESUS, this show is fucking depressing. Why am I torturing myself?”

But yeah, 2x11 was super slow and all the important things that happened (that you listed) could have taken 10 minutes. Like I get too that she had to see Hannah in order to… make her decision in the finale make sense??? Was that the reason? I still don’t know. All of this could have been dealt with way more quickly and with just as much emotional gravity had it been done well.

I really like Moira but she’s been given shit all to do. I liked how we got a little insight into her and Odette. A LITTLE. But a huge weakness is that the Toronto peeps are so divorced from the drama that it often seems, not pointless, but something like it. It definitely slows the pace down to a crawl. That’s why I thought 2x09 worked well because it married both worlds. (I will never understand why 1x07 exists the way it does. What a stupid episode. I do not care about Luke’s journey, tbh. I’m here for the women–good, evil, or inbetween; not an entire episode devoted to him–especially not when we could have had Moira’s instead. I accept that his is intertwined with June’s attempted escape but… meh. It’s just like I will never care about Nice Guy TM Nick’s backstory or character. I don’t care about Fred’s childhood, or Warren’s marriage, or Luke’s manbabying, or Nick’s manpain. Eek.)

I dunno. Personally I think it could have been tightened up a bit better. But again, what do I know? I’m just a viewer. I’m sure other viewers have completely the opposite opinion.

#rants and raves #Anonymous

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love-y-o-u-3000 · 8 years ago

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Mark Gatiss literally told thousands of queer people that who they really are doesn’t matter, that was the fucking message, what he had achieved is that people now not only have massive trust issues but I personally (and I saw other people saying this too) feel like I should be ashamed of being queer and hide forever, keep it a secret and I feel like this despite never before feeling so disgusted of myself. I’ve been sort of always accepting myself as bi even before I knew what being bi meant. But now I feel nothing but horrible and I am genuinely asking myself what was the point of anything. I am asking whether there is still point in anything because I sure as hell don’t see one. Because y'all fucking morons who think that people are suicidal because “lol, they didn’t write the show the way you wanted it” or because “two men didn’t kiss” need to understand that literally nobody spent fucking years with this show *just* so to see two men kiss, you can google that shit in 5 seconds, why waste years of your life. For so many it was the last glimmer of hope that maybe there are still people out there who care about us, maybe THIS TIME the true fucking story of Holmes and Watson will truly be told and it will go down in history as the best show ever because duh one of the creators is gay but NO. They mocked us, humiliated us, queerbaited us, teased us and fooled us and worst of us - blatantly hated us all this time so openly but we were blind for years and now in the end those people quickly back peddaled and they pretend we are even MORE crazier because “ugh I just like elephants” and “wtf there was nothing groundbreaking about it apart from an actress playing four different characters lol never meant it that way weirdos” and “holmes and watson solve cases together go read the books” and it’s like they can’t get enough and they gleefully twist the knife deeper and deeper and watch us bleed while laughing like maniacs. I don’t understand why any of those people agreed to collectively support this clusterfuck, idk, Andrew?? Like, don’t even let me start… And Ben and Martin… I do need to question their tastes in good scripts now, I do need to question them actually because I know they have been saying they don’t play it THAT way but…? Why putting so much effort into all the longing stares and smitten smiles and eye fucking and lingering touches at all then? That was deliberate, Freebatch or not. And um… do Ben and Martin hate us too? Does everybody hate me personally? Is there any decency and kindness left in this world? Not to mention that my perception of time and reality is completely screwed and I feel like investing time and passion into anything will always be downright pointless from now on. The absolutely WORST though is that I feel like heteronormativity will ALWAYS win, it was like I giant fuck you for me to learn that Martin is doing another series of the het sex fuelled shit show on the same day that Sherlock proved itself to be a massive fucking disappointment and the worst case of queerbaiting in the history. Long story short I feel like I just want to die, like a worthless piece of utter shit that deserves nothing good and is forever doomed to be happy for five seconds only before someone disappoints me again. I’ve always felt like I deserve no happiness, after yesterday I feel like I shouldn’t even be alive in the first place because I mean next to nothing and I am nothing but a laughing stock.

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21pilots-stolip12 · 8 years ago

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Hello!

WARNING: I curse ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ that’s part of who I am and I ask that if that offends you that you please just skip over this post thank you :)

I got tagged by: @tylerjosephsheavydirtysoul

Rules: answer the questions in a new post and 20 blogs you want to know better.

Nickname: Tori, V, Vicky by one, and ttttori sung like the ch ch ch chia jingle but it’s like tuh tuh tuh tori idk 😂 and one of my friends calls me slutbitch and I call him whoreboy but that’s an inside joke 😂

Stat Sign: Virgo

Height: 5'7 ish

Time right now: 4:05

Last thing I Googled: the lyrics to thrift shop by Macklemore 😂

Song Stuck in Your Head: Mr. Brightside

Last Movie Watched: In theatres? Hidden figures (WHICH I HIGHLY RECCOMEND). On tv? Harry Potter and the deathly hallows part one

Last TV show watched: I don’t really watch a lot of tv so the last like “show” I watched was Younger but like I’m sure I’ve watched food network recently or something

What am I wearing right now: plaid pajama pants and a grey holister frocket (front pocket) shirt

When did I create my blog: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ last year?

What kind of stuff do I post: Twenty One Pilots

Do you have any other blogs: Yes @splishsplashyoureapieceoftrash @artisticallycasual @pointless-wishes

But I use splishsplashyoureapieceoftrash the most

Do you get asks regularly: Idk no I guess ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Why did you choose your url: honestly idk I was like crap all the good names are taken so I was like I’m just gonna write twenty one pilots and then flip it so it’s like a mirror image or some shit idk 😂

Gender: she/her

Hogwarts house: #PUFFPRIDE MOTHERFUCKERS but fun story Bc I like to tell this story. I’m almost a perfect split between gryffindor and hufflepuff and I know this Bc I did a little test for myself. So I took 10 random Harry Potter house quizzes on the internet and 5 told me hufflepuff and 5 told my gryffindor. After that I took The pottermore test and that gave me hufflepuff and I decided that since it comes from jk herself that it is clearly weighted and that I would end up in hufflepuff. On top of that if presented with the choice between the two I know that I would choose hufflepuff (im gonna make a separate post about Harry Potter and how I feel I would be in that universe so heads up for that coming later today Bc now I wanna talk about it 😂)

Pokemon team: Instinct

Favorite colors: Purple, black, and this one blue that idk how to describe it’s a rose art colored pencil called navy blue but it doesn’t look navy at all and I call it French blue Bc of this book “pictures of Hollis woods” that I read in sixth grade

Average hours of sleep: 8-10

Lucky number: 7

Favorite character: Honestly I feel the need to ask which fandom Bc there are so many lol

How many blankets do you sleep with: I have one sheet a blanket and than a quilt

Dream job: I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I WANT TO DO WITH MY LIFE AND THAT TERRIFIES ME but if I could wish to magically be good at whatever job I wanted than I’d probably want to be an actress, a YouTuber, a makeup artist, or a fashion designer. Realistically I’ll probably end up with a really awful job but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Following: How many am I following, or how many are following me? I’m not sure… I’ll just do both. I’m following 167 and 10,345 are following this account (which btw tysm like idk why I’m an inactive piece of shit but thank you so much anyways I’ll do my best to fix that 😊)

I’m not going to tag anyone Bc tbh I can’t think of anyone off the top of my head but I’d love to get to know some of you better so if you want to please fill out this post! :)

#tori talks #she speaks!#gasp #whaaaat #there's actually a person behind this account?#ahaha sorry I'm a sarcastic lil shit #oops :)#about me #long post #FEEL FREE TO TALK TO ME

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jessicakehoe · 5 years ago

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Beanie Feldstein of Booksmart on Being “Built Happy,” Overcoming Tragedy and (of Course) Llamas

We’re on the patio at one of Beanie Feldstein’s favourite brunch spots. It feels transplanted from Los Angeles—which is to say there is a shocking dearth of deep-fried dishes. But the mechanical roar and shudder from a nearby construction crew, the buildings and the presence of Beanie* herself place us very clearly in New York. Chelsea, to be exact. And when in Chelsea with an impossibly charming actress well on her way to attaining her dream career, you talk about llamas.

* Author’s note: It’s journalistic convention to refer to a subject by his/her last name after his/her first appearance, but it feels wrong to do so with Beanie Feldstein. Beanie—a name her late brother gave her when she was a baby named Elizabeth—fits better. It’s like if Coca-Cola were a person, you wouldn’t call her Cola; it’s too broad and generic. No, you’d call her Coke.

“I loved llamas growing up,” says Beanie. “My second screen name ever, my second email, was pinkllamas12. My favourite colour, my favourite animal, my favourite number.”

As far as conversational tangents go, this isn’t that random. Beanie, whom you’ll recognize from playing the so-loyal-it-hurts best friend in Lady Bird along with the so-loyal-it’s-hilarious best friend in this past summer’s instant high school classic Booksmart, was talking about apartments in New York. This led to talk of dogs. Big dogs, specifically, and how, what with a roommate and all, she can’t get one at the moment. Helpfully, I asked if she had considered llamas. “They’re also quite tall.” Ha ha.

And so we spoke of llamas.

As it turns out, we each have one piece of llama trivia. Mine hasn’t exactly been fact-checked, so I’m concerned that my llama anecdote will contradict hers—and wouldn’t that be awkward? Rule number one of celebrity interviews: Don’t argue with the talent (especially about llamas).

Photography by Arkan Zakharov. Styling by Anna Katsanis. Creative direction by Brittany Eccles. Hair, Peter Butler for TraceyMattingly.com. Makeup, Matin for TraceyMattingly.com/Nars. Manicure, Miss Pop/Zoya Nail Polish. Fashion assistant, Paulina Castro Ogando. Photography assistants, Ian Bishop and Alicia Brooks.

“From what I read when I was 11, you have to have at least two llamas,” she says. “Because if a llama doesn’t get attached to another llama, it’s going to get attached to you and then be violent with anyone who comes near you. But if you have two, they’ll get attached to each other.”

My tidbit is that instead of using sheepdogs (or maybe in addition to using sheepdogs…my knowledge of shepherding practices comes almost exclusively from Looney Tunes), shepherds will sometimes put a llama in with their flock. So long as that llama remains singular, it will defend its little woolly cousins against all comers—will literally flatten any coyotes that come sniffing around. But if that llama has a llama friend, it could give a shit about those damn sheep.

The point of both of our anecdotes is the same: Llamas have very powerful feelings. And as such, they provide an imperfect yet apt metaphor for who Beanie is (minus what are clear co-dependency issues on the part of the llama).

“I love deep,” Beanie tells me later. It might be the truest statement anyone has ever made. In the hour we talk, Beanie uses the word “love” approximately 60 times. If she mentions someone—a director or past co-star or anyone—she’ll first list specific reasons why she loves them. And hers isn’t the “Oh, Marty Was Such a Thrill to Work With” kind of talk show praise that celebrities usually dish either. It sounds genuine—like everyone is a friend she met at camp and can’t wait to tell you about.

“It’s very rare for me not to connect with people,” she says. “It’s subconscious: I feel connected or I don’t. Every now and then, I’m wrong. And it hurts. But I think I just sort of know. I just love deeply.”

She just knows herself, too. And I get the sense that, more importantly, she likes herself. That’s a big part of why she can be so positive about pretty much everything. That might sound like she’s a typical millennial, pumped full of untested self-esteem. But it’s not like that. It’s a choice, and it’s one that doesn’t go unchallenged. After all, one assumes that being a plus-size actress in Hollywood comes with certain pressures that can be anathema to self-acceptance.

In a brief essay for Refinery29, she wrote about how precarious and hard-fought self-love can be, at least when it comes to her body. After unintentionally losing weight after a stint on Broadway, she noticed how many comments and compliments she was getting about her looks. “It really messed with my head,” she wrote. “After years of pain, I had finally found such a beautiful peace, one that most people, no matter what size they are, don’t have […]. But here’s the issue: When everyone started telling me I looked smaller, I lost my beautiful mindset that took decades to find.” Her self-acceptance and confidence don’t come from outside; they come from her own self-awareness. She has a healthy understanding of her talents as well as her weaknesses.

“When everyone started telling me I looked smaller, I lost my beautiful mindset that took decades to find.”

Her upcoming film, How to Build a Girl, is based on the novel by Caitlin Moran (“so charismatic and so effervescent and magical”). Beanie plays a girl named Johanna, who is “so different from Caitlin.” The character and Moran do, however, share a pretty similar biography. They are both music critics from the British town of Wolverhampton and speak like it. It’s not an accent that comes naturally to anyone not from Wolverhampton; it’s an accent that even her girlfriend, English film producer Bonnie-Chance Roberts, couldn’t help her with. “It’s not just a British accent,” she says. “Coky [Giedroyc, the director] was like, ‘Even as Londoners, we don’t know how to do that accent.’”

“I’m not an accent savant like some people,” says Beanie. “Saoirse Ronan is brilliant in every way, but her work with accents is so insane. I approached it academically.” She’ll tell you, without self-deprecation or false modesty, that she is neither the most creative nor the most intelligent in her family. But she is the most academic.

“I know the moment I got the part,” she says. “I was Skyping with the producers before I went to London for my audition. And they were like, ‘We looked all around for someone from Wolverhampton to play Johanna.’ But they couldn’t find anyone and so they were looking all over the U.K. I was like, ‘If you’re not casting someone from Wolverhampton, then anyone would be doing an accent.’ And I saw their heads cock, and it was the right thing to say.”

Bold, right? But then she had to work to nail Moran’s accent—which took a three-week immersion in Wolverhampton-ese while embedded in one of the town’s female-run shops. She said it was awkward at first, since she was under orders to speak in the accent well before she had it down, but what’s a little discomfort if it means getting to work with someone like Moran?

“She is everything I would want to be as a woman,” she says. “I just couldn’t believe that they chose a Jewish girl from Los Angeles. And I think in my core they saw something in me that Johanna has, which is like an eternal optimism.”

And like with her character, it’s an optimism that has been tested. As a good sociology grad (Weslyan ’15), she knows that her life has been privileged: raised in Los Angeles by well-off, creative parents; a famous older brother (named Jonah Hill); loads of natural talent and charisma. But that doesn’t mean she hasn’t had challenges or faced grief.

Her oldest brother, Jordan, was a manager for Maroon 5, Robin Thicke and Elle King. He died at the end of 2017 from a blood clot in his lung. “It’s unbearable at times,” she says. “But it doesn’t linger in me. I mean, my tragedy lingers in me every day. My grief is something that I am alongside every single day. But it doesn’t present itself as depression or sadness.”

“It’s unbearable at times. But it doesn’t linger in me. I mean, my tragedy lingers in me every day. My grief is something that I am alongside every single day.”

There’s a difference between eternally optimistic and blindly optimistic. She knows that life is hard and things are shitty. And it’s hard to keep a big heart from getting hurt every now and then, but all the pain isn’t pointless. “I found myself unwillingly in a new club,” she wrote in an essay for InStyle. “It is a club full of suffering and questioning but is also a community of people who have a truly broadened perspective on the human experience.”

And while it doesn’t make up for the loss, that kind of perspective is helpful when your job is to inhabit different human experiences. “I think one of the most beautiful lines I got to say in Lady Bird was ‘Some people just aren’t built happy,��” she says. “I was really struck, because I have no words for how much I miss my brother, but I think that I am just built happy.”

After reading all this, you shouldn’t be surprised that Beanie is a theatre person. She fell in love with Funny Girl before she was old enough for kindergarten. She spent most of 2017 on Broadway starring in Hello, Dolly! with Bette Midler. (Bet you can’t guess how Beanie feels about her.) Theatre—musical theatre, specifically—might be the only thing she loves more than…all of the other things she loves.

“I think one of the most beautiful lines I got to say in Lady Bird was ‘Some people just aren’t built happy.’ I was really struck, because I have no words for how much I miss my brother, but I think that I am just built happy.”

Considering how many theatre nerds there are around the world, there are relatively few true theatre people in Hollywood, but you know them when you see them: enthusiastic, touchingly game, often improbably good at accents (spoiler alert: Beanie can talk like a native of Wolverhampton now) and probably on the verge of tears (happy or sad) at this very moment. “They are people with the biggest hearts,” she explains. “I’ve never met a more hard-working people than the theatre community. Broadway is a slow burn of commitment.”

Maybe the size of their hearts helps with the required energy as well as her craft. She’s not a method actor. She connects to her characters through empathy, through inherent understanding and love.

One final observation: Beanie’s first breakout role was in Neighbors 2. She played a freshman student who started a wildcat sorority with Chloë Grace Moretz. In her next two major roles, she was a senior in high school. “And, now, in How to Build a Girl I’m 16,” she says. “I’m Benjamin Buttoning, which is funny because I’ve always felt like an old soul.”

Beanie passes as a teenager, of course, especially since we’re used to seeing 25-year-old high-schoolers in pop culture. But I think she keeps getting younger and younger in her roles as a corrective. Even though she’s only in her early twenties, we regret that we didn’t find her sooner, that we weren’t friends with her in high school. So, we’re going to force her back there. We want her in our musicals, films and lives for as long as possible.

Actually, maybe we’re the llamas in this metaphor.

Photography by Arkan Zakharov.

1/10

Beanie Feldstein

Dress, price upon request, Jonathan Simkhai at Rent the Runway. Earrings, $200, Jennifer Fisher. Rings (worn throughout), Beanie’s own.

2/10

Beanie Feldstein

Dress, $3,170, and shoes, $1,255, Marc Jacobs.

3/10

Beanie Feldstein

4/10

Beanie Feldstein

Dress, $2,860, Erdem at The Room. Shoes, $775, Stuart Weitzman.

5/10

Beanie Feldstein

6/10

Beanie Feldstein

Dress, $3,070, Balenciaga at Saks Fifth Avenue. Shoes, $1,875, Jimmy Choo. Belt, stylist’s own.

7/10

Beanie Feldstein

Top, $750, Versace at Holt Renfrew. Bracelet, Beanie’s own.

8/10

Beanie Feldstein

Top, $750, Versace at Holt Renfrew. Bracelet, Beanie’s own.

9/10

Beanie Feldstein

Dress, price upon request, Jonathan Simkhai at Rent the Runway. Earrings, $200, Jennifer Fisher. Shoes, $1,250, Gucci.

10/10

Beanie Feldstein

Dress, $170, Rahi at Shopbop. Shoes, price upon request, Salvatore Ferragamo.

The post Beanie Feldstein of <em>Booksmart</em> on Being “Built Happy,” Overcoming Tragedy and (of Course) Llamas appeared first on FASHION Magazine.

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canaryatlaw · 6 years ago

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alright, let’s get writing. today was fine, just another boring day inside, but there’s not much I can do these days. hopefully today will be the last day of strict house arrest (meaning I’ll at least have he option of going outside if I wanted to) and it’s supposed to get up to a balmy 21 degrees by tomorrow afternoon, so that will at least be somewhat bearable (its currently 3 degrees, only made it above 0 a few hours ago, why the temperature is increasing as the night goes on I have no clue). I got up to my alarm at 11:30 because I was supposed to have groceries delivered between 12 and 1 but they often run early earlier in the day so I wanted to make sure I was awake, and I was right, they had already started shopping so I got to approve all the substitutions (when they can’t find the exact item you ordered). they ended up coming around 11:55, helped me carry it up to my apartment because in addition to like 3 grocery bags I had a whole thing of kitty litter and a box of cans of cat food. I put the frozen stuff away right away then finished the oatmeal I was eating before putting the rest of it away. once I was done with that I did the face mask I’ve been doing again because I’m trying everything to kill the ridiculous amount of pimples I have right now and it’s supposed to be really good for that, so I’m trying at least. I had an itch to cook something and posted so on twitter, where Jess convinced me to make snickerdoodles because she really likes them and of course I had the ingredients on hand because it’s a very basic recipe. so I spent a bit looking at recipes and deciding which one I wanted to use (I had like 4 saved that were like “the perfect/best snickerdoodles” so I had to figure out which one I actually wanted to make). that was fairly easy, I somehow managed to fuck up my cookie dough scoop so the little piece that goes across the scoop part to knock the cookie dough out is off kilter so it doesn’t cover half of the thing, but I have to roll them into balls anyway so it wasn’t that bad. once I was done with that I went into the den and turned on The Final Table cooking show I started yesterday that I’m apparently failing to pace myself in watching because I ended up watching it for the rest of the day. heated up some leftovers for dinner and watched the new episode of Brooklyn 99 at 8 (sad there was no The Good Place after it though) which was kind of bittersweet because it was a funny episode as always but still sad that we’re losing Gina because she is such a big part of this wacky and hilarious show. While watching all of this I was looking up the firm I have an interview with tomorrow, looks like they’re a fairly small firm (6 lawyer I think it said) and they handle some criminal stuff, some personal injury, and some appeals so there's a lot of potential there, of course I do have some background in all of those things, though I don’t have personal experience handling appeals I’ve listened to enough podcasts about wrongful convictions to last a lifetime so I know just about every issue that can be raised on an appeal, the different types there are, and what exactly needs to be proven for it to be successful, so I was feeling good about that. On the Legends front of course we got great news today that Legends is officially renewed for a fifth season (officially being the keyword there because I’ve unofficially known for about 2 months now) because confirmation is always relieving, and then of course we got the announcement that Courtney Ford will be coming to HVFF Chicago in April which I was very glad to see because earlier they announced Brandon and Courtney for Fan Expo Vancouver which is the same weekend as the London con we already committed to (and dropped a fairly large amount of cash on flights for) for the first weekend of March and I knew Jess was upset about that because we only had two Courtney con announcements for the year so far (that one and the Supernatural one in Texas we decided wasn’t worth it) and we weren’t going to either, so at least having one on the books that we can definitely make definitely helped. I did continue to read Batwoman comics as well, doing the new 52 stuff right now and I have to say it’s pretty good so far. I thought they were drawing Kate kind of oddly at first, because her hair looked very square and her skin was really pale, but either they changed that up a bit or I just got used to it because it doesn’t really bug me now. I like her relationship with Maggie, though of course I know the chances of getting Maggie Sawyer on the show are slim to none for obvious reasons, even though this would be on an entirely different earth, I’m sure the Sanvers would come for the writers and another large segment would be upset yet again if they had Floriana Lima portray her as a Latina character when she is not in fact Latina (and comic book Maggie is white, so really changing her to be Latina and then casting a white actress makes zero fucking sense, but I guess that’s Supergirl for you). I’m sure they’ll give us some interesting characters anyway, since we just got announced our 3 first supporting characters this past weekend (who are all POC, so that’s nice to see at least). And yeah, I watched The Final Table and read comics until round 10:30 at which point I decided to start getting ready for bed, and then of course wasted a bunch of time doing pointless shit on the internet before actually getting around to writing this post, and now I am here. It’s 1:15 am now and I’m planning on waking up at noon (3:30 interview, so that gives me plenty of time) and we all know how much I like my sleep so I’ll take this as my cue to go to bed now. Goodnight lovelies. Happy Friday.

#daily journal #January 2019 #Jess tag

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fionatlux · 7 years ago

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STILL STAR-CROSSED, EPISODE 6

Episode 1 / Episode 2 / Episode 3 / Episode 4 / Episode 5

[Nobody has bothered to change the airing information on the Hulu title card. If this episode feels interminable, that’s because IT WAS. The show has apparently decided to substitute relentless subplot action for anything resembling rhythm or character development. Also the writers feel the need to give us the same piece of information five times. In consequence, this episode was both action-packed and excruciatingly boring and all the interesting people were barely in it. On the plus side, there is a lot of good upholstery?]

Previously On:

FRIAR LAURENCE: Paris never left Verona! Lady Capulet has been keeping him in the basement and encouraging him to seduce Livia!

PARIS: Also I was the one who framed Benvolio for murder on Lady Capulet’s instructions!

ISABELLA: Send me to Venice to do politics!

BENVOLIO: Capulet is broke and can’t pay for his cathedral!

MONTAGUE: I am super loaded and will take over cathedral construction with Isabella’s patronage!

ROSALINE: Nobody uses my baby sister or frames my fiancé! Especially not while he’s in the bath. I am rethinking this whole Endgame: Don’t Get Married caper. Hey, guys! He went that way!

A Magnificently Upholstered Tent, Camp Paris, Somewhere Outside Verona

[Paris has matched his outfit to the exquisitely patterned tent lining.]

PARIS: How did you escape your kidnapper?

ROSALINE: Wasn’t kidnapped. Need to see Escalus ASAP.

PARIS: Clearly you are distraught and not thinking clearly!

ROSALINE: Oh, you’re one of those guys.

[So is Escalus. I’m not sure why Roz thinks he’s gonna listen to her this time, when he didn’t listen to her back in ep. 4.]

[There follows an extremely confusing rewind sequence, which had me convinced there was something wrong with my Hulu stream until it started rewinding through some stuff not covered in the Previously On section, at which point it became clear that we are now in an Explanatory Flashback.]

The Room Formerly Known as Juliet’s Room, Casa Capulet

LADY CAPULET: Rosaline was kidnapped by Benvolio!

LIVIA: *gasp*

The Palace

CAPULET: My niece was kidnapped! By your nephew! My wife saw it happen!

[Yeah, we know, we just saw.]

MONTAGUE: Obviously she cannot be expected to marry a kidnapper, so I will marry her myself!

CAPULET: OVER MY DEAD BODY.

MONTAGUE: Fine, give me back the bride-price!

CAPULET: ALSO OVER MY DEAD BODY.

ESCALUS: guys. guys can we focus, here?

The Secret Sickroom, Casa Capulet

LIVIA: What… are you wearing?

PARIS: What’s your problem with brocade? It goes well with eyeliner and cheesy dialogue!

LIVIA: My sister has been kidnapped!

[WE. KNOW.]

PARIS: Allow me to use my private army, which I brought along and has no doubt been sitting around while I recuperate, to find her!

LADY CAPULET: *lurks approvingly*

Casa Capulet

[There is a gorgeous wide-shot of Capulet’s magnificent courtyard]

SOME LACKEY: Montague workers are doing stuff to your cathedral!

CAPULET: OH HELL NO.

[How do building permits work, again?]

[If this episode is 100% stuff that happened in Verona while Isabella and Roz and B. were having character development and shenanigans last episode, this is gonna be real boring.]

Maison Montague

[There is a pretty good wide-shot of Montague’s courtyard, which is not as magnificent as Capulet’s but not bad either. Unfortunately, it narrows into a zig-zagging camera zoom among frozen figures throughout the colonnade. STOP DOING THAT, YOU LOOK LIKE A BAD HISTORY CHANNEL RE-ENACTMENT. THE POINT OF CAMERA-WORK IS TO TELL THE STORY EFFECTIVELY, NOT TO MAKE YOUR VERY EXPENSIVE SHOW LOOK CHEAP. JUST STOP. I’m not saying your low ratings and subsequent cancellation are the fault of the camera zooming--that’s on the network for not bothering to do its job--but it’s certainly not helping! You paid a lot of money to film in a ridiculously gorgeous location and you just zoom right past like you’re ashamed of it! What is wrong with you???]

CAPULET: MONTAGUUUUUUUUUE!

CAPULET: *dodges a lackey*

CAPULET: *knocks into a dude*

CAPULET: *knocks into another dude*

CAPULET: MONTAGUUUUUUUUUUE!

CAPULET: *sends some poor serving-girl’s tray flying*

CAPULET: *bangs into a suit of armor*

CAPULET: *knocks over some poor cabbage merchant’s cart*

THE CABBAGE MERCHANT: MY CABBAGES!!!!

CAPULET: MONTAGUUUUUUUUUE!

MONTAGUE: ’Sup?

CAPULET: You stole my cathedral!

MONTAGUE [in his best James Diamond imitation]: You bet I did!

MONTAGUE: Run along now, I’m terribly busy. Blueprints to review, architects not to murder, you know how it is.

Juliet’s Tomb

[Somewhere in the intervening time between now and when we last saw her body, Juliet has been entombed properly. Either they stopped paying the actress to lie still and be dead, or the dummy disintegrated.]

CAPULET: Our family has been building that cathedral for generations! I was building it so you could get married in it!

[Then maybe you shouldn’t have sold her off to Paris quite so soon! I am seriously doubting your planning skills, Capulet. It didn’t even have a roof! Or any interiors! And you were gonna finish it in, like, six months? Anthony Stewart Head is doing his best to sell it, but as far as added side plots go, this one is, thus far, pointless. (Spoiler: it doesn’t get pointy any time soon.)]

Casa Capulet

LIVIA: Did you find my sister yet?

PARIS: Not now! Gotta breakfast with the would-be in-laws.

CAPULET: You didn’t even come to the funeral!

[And you can’t tell him you were locked in the basement recovering from a stab wound, I guess?]

PARIS: Such a nice family! If only you had an eligible niece I could marry!

LIVIA: :D

PARIS: Gotta make up some story about how we met, I’m not gonna explain that the first time I saw you, you were pouring hot oil on my bare skin.

[It’s supposed to sound salacious, I think? but mostly it just makes me question Livia’s miracle doctor skills.]

LIVIA: I am charmed and maybe also a little suspicious.

[Okay, that last bit is wishful thinking on my part.]

Some Nighttime Street, Verona

CAPULET: How would you like to be paid the back wages I owe you?

SOME GUY, I THINK HE’S CALLED BIANCCI?: Yes please.

CAPULET: How would you like to be paid for a little job I have in mind?

BIANCCI: Only if you pay in advance this time.

Maison Montague

LADY M: So the Prince doesn’t blame us for Benvolio going rogue?

MONTAGUE: Apparently not! Anyway, who cares, this cathedral is gonna put us on the map!

SOME LACKEY: Uh, about that.

The Capulet Montague Cathedral

*boom smashy smash*

[As it turns out, it’s a lot cheaper to sabotage a cathedral than to build it.]

LADY M: oh shit.

MONTAGUE: Somehow, I did not see this coming.

THE NEW ARCHITECT, PRESUMABLY: It’s a curse!

[From the shadows, Nekozawa from Ouran High School Host Club nods approvingly.]

MONTAGUE: There is no curse! It’s just Capulet.

THE NEW ARCHITECT: Architect out!

On the Steps of the Paaaaaaalace

MONTAGUE: I want to see Escalus and I want to see him now!

SOME OFFICIAL: Sorry, the Prince is not at home to visitors!

[Just then, Capulet shows up to gloat. It devolves into a brawl, because the palace guards are useless.]

A MONTAGUE ATTENDANT: *is stabbed*

[Well, shit.]

The Palace

SOME OFFICIAL: Your Grace, could you please stop being obsessed with the search effort for, like, five minutes? Just long enough to do some actual governing?

ESACLUS: No.

CAPULET & MONTAGUE: *bicker*

ESCALUS: Your guy goes in the stocks for stabbing his guy, though evidently it wasn’t fatal, be grateful both of you aren’t joining him, GOOD DAY.

[Actually, that’s a good idea, you should do that.]

CAPULET: Any word of my niece?

ESCALUS: No. Escalus out!

[That’s… it? What did this sequence establish that we didn’t already know? This whole show needs a beta reader.]

Juliet’s Tomb

CAPULET: Thanks for the warning that Montague was gonna steal our cathedral! Don’t worry, I got this!

[I don’t think that’s what her ghost meant last time, and he has in no way got this.]

JULIET’S GHOST, AGAIN: Beware!

The Palace

[Paris has dropped in for a chat.]

ESCALUS: Finally, someone I can actually talk to!

ESCALUS: I used to think my father was a coward for delegating, but now I kind of get it. Still, it sucks. I wish I could be out there right now, being irrational and possessive, instead of doing it from here.

PARIS: Is there any way I, a fellow prince who clearly understands your pain, can help?

[Shit, where’s Isabella when you need her? Did she go to Venice yet? When she gets back, she will definitely know how to deal with slimy weasels!]

The Capulet Carriage, Outside the Palace

LADY CAPULET: How’d it go?

PARIS: He turned me down.

LADY CAPULET: Time to escalate!

[I will never not make the escalation joke.]

PARIS: How much blood do you want shed?

LADY CAPULET: Let’s see. Enough to throw the city into chaos, topple Escalus, and install you as my puppet?

LADY CAPULET: Yeah we’re gonna need a lot. I WILL NEVER BE SATISFIED.

Somewhere in Verona

[Paris and some handsome assassin suit up.]

Some Building, Maybe a Chapel, It’s Not Totally Clear Whose

[A bunch of guys have been brutally murdered. Their affiliation is not totally clear, either.]

ESCALUS: Weren’t there any guards?

SOME OFFICIAL: Well, there were, but you sent them out to hunt down Benvolio.

The Palace

PARIS: I am only too happy to help!

ESCALUS: Bring them both back alive, so I can administer justice. By which I mean chopping off Benvolio’s head myself. Because that is what passes for justice.

PARIS: I am starting to think you may be a little unhinged, but sure.

[As much as I enjoy the sight of The Handsome Assassin, I feel like this whole sequence was redundant.]

The Capulet Carriage, Outside the Palace

[Lady Capulet has matched the brocaded interior of her carriage to Paris’s eyes. These two are serious about their upholstery.]

LADY CAPULET: AWESOME.

Casa Capulet

PARIS: ok, going to find your sister for reals this time!

LIVIA: Bye!

LIVIA: Dear Diary, and then he kissed me and it was magical!

LADY CAPULET: Kill Benvolio, find out what Rosaline knows about our plans, and then kill her too, in that exact order.

PARIS: I kind of think Livia might resent that?

[Show, are you giving Paris an out by making him actually fall for Livia? Sigh. He’s just so slimy.]

LADY CAPULET: Who cares? You’re going to make her a princess, I’m sure she won’t notice.

PARIS: tbh, I am starting to think you may also be a little unhinged, but sure.

Elsewhere, Casa Capulet

[Capulet chews out a guy called Pietro, who I guess is his head of security.]

CAPULET: Does this look like a well-guarded estate to you? CONSTANT VIGILANCE!

The Capulet Montague Cathedral

[Capulet has sent over a couple of tacky religious statues for no apparent reason. Is he making a dig about the Juliet statue from ep. 1? Is he calling Montague gauche again? We’ll never know. No, really, the show’s cancelled, we’ll never know.]

MONTAGUE: Destroy them! And find some more workmen!

SOME GUY: But the curse! It would take a miracle to get anyone to work here!

MUSHU: Did I hear somebody call for a miracle?

MONTAGUE: On second thought, it would be sacrilegious to destroy these fine statues!

The Slytherin Dormitories Lady Capulet’s Room, Casa Capulet

THE HANDSOME ASSASSIN: I want my money!

LADY CAPULET: Don’t you think Paris will be a good ruler? Don’t you want your children to be nobility instead of—what are you, a peasant? yeah, probably—peasants?

THE HANDSOME ASSASSIN: …I guess?

LADY CAPULET: Under the new regime, you will get your reward!

THE HANDSOME ASSASSIN: I feel like you’re asking me to work for free, but you’re also kind of terrifying, so I’m just gonna go.

The Secret Sickroom, Casa Capulet

[The Nurse arrives to help Livia pack up Paris’s sickroom stuff.]

LIVIA: Any news about Paris? Did he find Rosaline yet?

THE NURSE: I wouldn’t know. You two seem pretty close, though.

LIVIA: Can you keep a secret?

THE NURSE: oh lordy. *eyeroll*

LIVIA: We’re in love and he proposed! My dream has come true!

THE NURSE: Uh-huh. Did you tell Lady Capulet?

LIVIA: Not yet! She’s gonna be so happy for me!

THE NURSE: If you say so. I guess?

Casa Capulet

LADY CAPULET: Take this anonymous tip to the palace and make sure it stays anonymous!

CAROLINA, A SERVANT: Lord Montague said nobody is to leave, it’s too dangerous!

LADY CAPULET: Pfft, like I care whether you get assaulted or killed out there.

The Mean Streets of Verona

[The prince’s soldiers have cornered The Handsome Assassin! Probably through sheer luck, since nobody seems to do any actual police work around here. CSI: Verona, though, I’d watch. In fact this whole show would be more interesting if it were a buddy cop caper, since Benvolio and Rosaline only did like an episode’s worth of sleuthing.]

Some Dungeon, The Palace

[Oh, Lady Capulet tipped them off. Gotcha. Well, how was I supposed to know that was The Handsome Assassin’s name?]

[oh my goddd how are we only halfway through the episode this is interminable]

SOME OFFICIAL: Show your ruler some respect!

THE HANDSOME ASSASSIN: What for? He’s a shitty ruler.

ESCALUS: How dare you sow chaos within my city?

THE HANDSOME ASSASSIN: We are everywhere and there will be a new prince and you’ll be first against the wall when the revolution comes!

ESCALUS: So, he’s clearly bonkers and not part of an organized revolutionary cell headed by a shadowy masked man called The Fiend that I should maybe take seriously. Execute him without bothering to find out anything else!

The Palace

SOME OFFICIAL: Are you sure it’s a good idea to leave, BY YOURSELF, at this point?

ESCALUS: Yes, it is a great idea! I am the one and only prince, not whoever this The Fiend guy is, whom I have evidently decided to take seriously after all, but not that seriously because that would make sense, and it is my job to find Rosaline!

SOME OFFICIAL: …it’s not your job, though? Didn’t you send that Paris guy literally ten minutes ago? Your job is to rule the city!

SOME OFFICIAL: Too late, he’s left already. *sigh*

The Capulet Montague Cathedral

LADY M: What are all these rabble doing in our cathedral?

MONTAGUE: Check it out: the statue is weeping blood! It’s a miracle!

[A dizzying series of intercuts signals that we have caught up to the moment Rosaline meets Paris in his upholstered tent. Escalus is riding that horse WAY too fast through a forest weirdly free from undergrowth.]

MONTAGUE: Et voila! Everything is back on track and I am a genius!

LADY M: On track to being burned for heresy, sure.

Somewhere Outside Verona

PARIS’S SOLDIERS: Welp, looks like we lost B. at the river. Can’t find him anywhere.

BENVOLIO: *is really obviously hiding in some bushes like three feet away from them*

Paris’s Upholstered Tent, Camp Paris

PARIS: Have some food! I sound extra plummy when I’m being smarmy and ingratiating!

ROSALINE: Not hungry. Take me to see Escalus.

PARIS: Your sister and I are engaged!

ROSALINE: STAY AWAY FROM MY BABY SISTER OR SO HELP ME I WILL FLIP THIS TABLE AND BURY YOU UNDER A MOUNTAIN OF GREASY PROVISIONS.

Casa Capulet

THE NURSE: You knew about Livia and Paris?

THE NURSE: …oh. You knew about Livia and Paris.

THE NURSE: Shit.

LADY CAPULET: I know you know I know some skeevy shit about Paris and somebody locked in a tower back in Mantua, but I am desperate for some justice here!

THE NURSE: Justice, or ~*revenge*~?

LADY CAPULET: Quite frankly, I don’t see the distinction?

Paris’s Upholstered Tent, Camp Paris

PARIS: I am genuinely hurt that you don’t want to hear about my and Livia’s beautiful love story. Do you know something dodgy about me, perhaps?

ROSALINE: I don’t know anything. I don’t know, for example, that you’re a greasy upholstered double-crosser.

PARIS: Why do you want to see Escalus? He’s been, not to put too fine a point on it, a cruel, hypocritical, irrationally possessive jerk to you. Wouldn’t you rather cooperate with, say, me?

ROSALINE: Nah.

PARIS: ok, cooperate or I kill you and say Benvolio did it!

ROSALINE: I hate ur guts. Also Livia will never fall for that, I left a note.

PARIS: Oh, sorry, you mean this note? My bad.

SOME SOLDIER: Milord! The horses have gotten loose and are running about!

PARIS: Tie up the Capulet while I deal with this!

A Clump of, Like, Dirt, Camp Paris

[Benvolio is hiding behind it, having obviously been the one to loose the horses as a distraction so he can rescue Roz and get the hell out of Dodge.]

Casa Capulet

LADY CAPULET: They caught The Handsome Assassin I tipped them off about, why are we still under house arrest?

CAPULET: Because our dead daughter warned me to beware!

LADY CAPULET: ok but do you have to treat me like a possession to be guarded?

CAPULET: I know you were in love with my brother and only married me for the title, so… yeah.

[WE KNOW. THIS REMINDER SERVES NO FUNCTION.]

LADY CAPULET: Why do you get to have visions of our dead daughter and I don’t?

LADY CAPULET: I mean, you have lost your mind!

The Clump of, Like, Dirt, Camp Paris

[Benvolio starts sneaking around to rescue Rosaline. Somebody taps him on the shoulder with a sword.]

ESCALUS: Boo! [Captured!]

[What was the point of the runaway horses bit, then?]

The Capulet Montague Cathedral, Verona

PIETRO THE HEAD OF SECURITY: My lord, I feel compelled to point out that this is a bad idea.

CAPULET: Don’t care. *torches the cathedral, which burns pretty well for a building made mostly out of stone*

Paris’s Upholstered Tent, Camp Paris

[I know saying “Paris’s Upholstered Tent, Camp Paris” is redundant, it just amuses me at this point.]

PARIS: Your prince is here! Tell him you were kidnapped and I rescued you!

ROSALINE: Nope.

PARIS: Or I kill you, B., and Escalus. With my camp full of guards who are loyal to me. And then take over Verona. Or, I take over Verona and let you live but hold your sister’s life hostage.

[It really pains me that Paris is the only one with a plan. Or brains.]

Camp Paris

ESCALUS: What happened? Did Benvolio hurt you? By which I mean did he have sex with you, consensually or otherwise, because somebody really needs to go off about the BS unquestioned equating of virginity with honor around here. They could borrow a speech from, for example, The Privilege of the Sword.

ROSALINE: Sorry, B., I know you’re gonna think I’m betraying you, but Paris made a compelling point just now about who has a bunch of armed guards at their command and who doesn’t, so here goes.

ROSALINE: Benvolio kidnapped me. Yep. Totally kidnapped.

[Escalus, who is caught up in his own rescue fantasy, fails to remember that she is TERRIBLE at lying and thus doesn’t actually pay attention to her body language. Benvolio, who by now has a Thing about being betrayed, looks pained. It’s not clear whether he’s figured out what’s going on, even though Rosaline is making a looooot of eye contact. I’m gonna guess he hasn’t, since Paris and Lady Capulet are the only one with brains in this episode, B.’s horse distraction plan notwithstanding.]

PARIS: He calls himself the “New Prince,” whatever that means!

ESCALUS: Is this true, R.?

ROSALINE: Yep! Totally true! In short: true!

Juliet’s Tomb

[Lady Capulet, fabulously vengeful and sparkly in a glorious cape/gown combo that’s, like, Alexander McQueen or something, has come to try her luck at seeing her daughter’s ghost.]

LADY CAPULET: Juliet, if you love me, show yourself! Do you love me?

ALL THE CANDLES IN THE TOMB: *go out*

LADY CAPULET: …

LADY CAPULET: Possibly we should have worked on our mother-daughter communication skills more when you were alive.

[DUN DUN DUN!]

Next Episode

#still star crossed #ssc recaps

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