#like sleep in bed or go outside
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missing this lovely lady a bit extra tonight so here's one of my fav pics of us
#peeka tag#struggling with the fact she's gone. like forever#and just thinking of all the things we'll never do again together#like sleep in bed or go outside#she'll never meow at me for food or go limp when i scoop her up#i found some of her fur in my overall pockets today and i just.#i'll never feel her fluff again. never scratch her chin exactly how she liked it#m struggling with the permanence of her death and i'm hoping the grief isn't as permanent
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Stay at home dad and artist on commission Keefe
#kotlc#keeper of the lost cities#keefe sencen#sokeefe#he watches him and sophie's 5 year old little boy and 11 year old girl (she's currently applying for Foxfire) while sophie works#he does his own art pieces along with commissions at home#and the little boy can teleport so he's constantly dropping in on sophie and fitz at their job#(it's related to them being cognates or something idk)#and keefe has a panic attack because he looked away for one second to add a detail to his sketch and now his kid's gone#their kid drops into sophie's arms (or right outside the door of the building she works at)#and sophie gives him an eye roll and a disappointed look for freaking his father out and interrupting her#(he has absolutely appeared when she was in a super important meeting)#this is all based on the assumption that elves don't have some kind of basic schooling before foxfire or other schools like it#when he appears back at their residence (their leapmaster floor has an open roof for teleportation)#keefe is standing there frantically ready to catch him#and their girl (im shit with names) is standing there giving him a look like “I thought you weren't scared of anything”#and he's just caught the kid and is trying to rock him to sleep cause teleporting is tiring for a 5 year old#but he humors her while walking down the hall to his bedroom#“who said i wasn't?” “i do” “why?”#“nobody who actually beat an ogre would be scared of their child teleporting away”#“you'd be surprised”#(she doesn't beleive he actually fought dimitar and thinks it's an elaborate inside joke between sophie him and queen ro)#so they keep going back and forth with him being vague about the details because while he did beat dimitar#he is absolutely exaggerating all the details#“keefe you can't tell our kids you punched dimitar and he immediately surrendered” “please” “no”#and then they get to his room on the second floor and he shushes her so he can place the sleeping boy in his bed#i have so many thoughts about future sokeefe actually
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Not gonna lie guys, but I think having a demon in the mix is the kinkiest thing Lucanis has going on. Maybe some praise gets thrown in the mix, maybe some overstimulation... But I just can't imagine Lucanis and Rook having anything that falls into the bdsm category. At least not for a long time. Lucanis just came out of one year of torture at the Ossuary, he is a trained Crow, and on top of that appears to be a pretty domestic and inexperienced guy.
I don't know. Realistically, I can't see any dommy subby hurty stuff in the middle of a vulnerable moment (because sex with Rook is a vulnerability, it's being naked and on display, it's having more chances of Spite taking over) making him happy. At least not for a long while. He'd say yes if Rook asked, but agreeing to something vs being into it are different things.
This post is not kinkshaming anyone, nor am I opposed to people writing him as a dom daddy or whatever. The beauty of fanfic is that you can do whatever the fuck you want.
#lucanis dellamorte#datv#rook#rookanis#quirkwall.text#datv spoilers#like am I crazy to think this man would probably look okay on the outside while having a panic attack on the inside#if you wrapped him in rope and tied him to the bed#like I get it. that one line about doing just that to prevent sleep walking#and it's hot for a lot of people#but damn. it would take a while imo for him to be comfortable with something like that#ohh but he trusts Rook - yeah my Rook wouldn't abuse that trust#again. what I realistically think would happen does not mean you can't get fantasies#go and write/draw/imagine him being into hardcore painplay or something for all I care#and there are already some pretty juicy kinky fics on ao3 that I enjoyed#so no judgement here. just an opinion
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Someone give II a pair, please!
#sleep token#sleep token ii#worshitposting#good morning#guten morgen#been raining like crazy again and I just idk...I want to go outside but also I want to go back to bed
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#ok finally making a post about meds#I've not ever tried taking medication before. I was sorta raised with that classic 'dont rely on meds you have to learn to manage without'#I mean I was also raised with the idea that therapy is stupid unless you have 'real' trauma. and also like idk.#can't stay home from school unless your temp is over 100 or you're throwing up. etc. very suck it up mindset#so I was just really nervous to start. also of course worried about losing myself or whatever I know that's a silly fear but#it's also a common fear for a reason!!! anyways#so I finally was like 'I need to do something' when I realized I was so anxious I couldnt even get myself to go outside alone#like I just don't want to do ANYTHING alone to a detrimental effect. and it was butting into my ability to do my work...#for various reasons. but then ALSO adhd has been a constant issue with my work as well!#it is SO hard to write and draw on a weekly pace like I am without being able to focus#my whole life I've had these terrible nightmares constantly and I've always woken up constantly in the night#sleep has always been terrible so I've always dreaded going to bed.. ESPECIALLy because it didnt even make me less tired#it was more something that I just did because I had to.#but going to bed was always terrible. there have been times I was too scared to go to sleep for weeks on end...#I've been mitigating this for years of course. and recently I've been taking melatonin which has been helping too.#but I've also always struggled to get up. because I've always been EXTREMELY exhausted#but also anxious of what the day might bring... idk.#anyways it has all hit a point that I was like okay. I am doing as many coping mechanisms as I can. the psych said they were good too#but... it just has never been enough. it's never been enough to make me not tired it's never been enough to make me not scared#so I finally talked to the doc about it. and she was like youve def got smth wrong basically. which yah I know.. but yknow#anyways so I started taking wellbutrin. and I am so frustrated now. because it's WORKING#that constant looming sense of dread is gone. I'm excited to get up. I'm excited to go to bed BECAUSE I'm excited to get up#I feel like for years I've been holding on to the idea that I have to get up because I have to put something good out into the world#and I've been clinging to knowing that if nothing else. I am able to help other people feel better.#but now for the first time in my life I'm like. free of it. I didnt even know it was possible... and I'm so sad how much I've lost out on#and so frustrated how my whole life I've been told to put up with it and push through it. and treated like a failure for it being too much.#and just. It has only been 2 weeks. but the lack of anxiety is SO noticeable I'm so...#I'll never miss it. the adhd is still pretty present but like whatever. I can manage that better.#and I'm just crying because of all this combined.#I just. I hope I get to finally be the best I can be now. for myself but also for you guys!
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i know i’ve rambled about this before but I think about it a lot with the various like “can reptiles/fish/non cat/dog pets ACTUALLY love you back” posts and articles about how to tell when your cat loves you and I just sometimes think it’s a little silly to act like love is both this grand ineffable mystery in regards to pets (or people) and something to be measured and assessed
like does Baloo let me hold her paw for a long time (a Measure of Trust according to many articles)? No, she doesn’t really like having her paws touched. But when she gets her head stuck in the back of a chair or her scarf’s caught on something, she stills the moment I touch her head and lets me—a big, strange creature (who frankly often runs into furniture and doorframes)—manipulate the most fragile and vital part of her body in order to help her.
love is an action imo. your dog doesn’t need to be able to comprehend the words ‘I love you’ to feel loved, and your snake doesn’t need to purr to show that it trusts you and likes being around you. love is going to look a little different in every setting and trying to both box it in and demand it meet certain criteria is just...kind of dumb
#my sister's cat insists on sleeping curled up in my sister's arms every night#meanwhile baloo often likes to sleep on this one corner of the living room rug she's obsessed with#do i think that means baloo loves me less? no??#idk i think why this type of thinking picks at me is like#i think if we had a broader and less....not distrusting exactly but insecure#view of love#we'd be better /at/ loving both pets and people#people wouldn't dismiss cats as being too aloof and unfriendly#or dogs who don't match up to their doting ideal#and in the same vein#people would be better at recognizing love as it's offered in its myriad forms#whether that's clinging or from a distance#ANYWAY#baloo is currently passed out on her favorite rug corner but positioned so she can check on me periodically#after her grand adventure of briefly trying to run away to the hallway (she laid down outside my door and refused to move)#and the great crisis of both a rainstorm AND the vacuum (The Horrors)#and soon i'll go to bed and she'll hop up and hyper purr directly into my face until i turn off the light#she is very stupid and full of love#personal
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#just needed to vent for a sec but oh god am i tired of people#'friends' both irl and online got me fucked up lately#mental healths been in the shitter almost nonstop this year#familys always got me up the wall#i just feel like I'm constantly treading water and i am *tired*. like so fucking TIRED#it's never enough; it's too much; no not like that; but not that either; it's all wrong wRoNg WrOnG#ik im sleep deprived and possibly pms-y and that is most certainly not helping things rn but...#gods i see less and less of a reason to get out of bed and bother with anything ever again#wtf is the purpose#i can't keep friends to save my life bc im apparently a fuckin doormat and interesting as unflavored rice or smth#how hard is it to feel like you maybe sorta kinda matter and aren't an unlovable worthless piece of shit#years of therapy; trying meds; everything under the sun.... and nothing. lows and highs and dips of every kind and yet ..nothing#and maybe im just very much in my feelings rn and just yelling into the void.. but it hurts and im tired of pretending it doesn't.#i hate how hard it is to make friends as an adult especially irl. and how gossipy and cliquey and gross and mean ppl can be#of getting called childish and naive and boring for wanting to be a decent person and having interests outside of partying#(not attacking those traits but tired of getting attacked for *not* being 'fun' enough or 'social' enuf or 'sensitive' for having feelings)#enough*#i just want to go eat drywall and stand in the rain and let it help me pretend im not crying blood rn.#like every cell in my body isn't trying to spontaneously combust.#'it gets better' ..yeah? when. when i was 14? when i was 23? when im 37? when im 55? 82? WHEN.. bc im so sick and tired#and no this isn't me writing a final note or whatever it sounds like; i just wanted to word vomit bc ive never been good w sadness#and ive got such an overwhelming amount of it rn i can't even turn it into anger & spite & use that for productivity... i just want to rot#to lie down and be covered by plants as i sleep and just slowly fade into a cloud or smth like it's a ghibli movie or wtv.#im like shaking from how stupidly emotional i feel rn. the lack of empathy these days is fuckin astounding#common sense & empathy are lacking in absolutely droves these days. some days i hate the internet & tech for its irreparable damages sm#but here we are and here it shall remain. long after us; and *long* after us ..... *sigh*#anyway ima go try to take a nap or smth. I'll see ya when i see ya. take care my lovelies#if u read all this i prob owe you a cookie lol
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Should I sneak into the kitchen to get a cookie at midnight yes or no
#midnight snack#poll#pjo#kotlc#sorry that was just for people to see the poll#I love going to sleep late but that means I’ll get hungry and I won’t be able to eat#and since I go to the kitchen my fatass dog will run to follow me in hopes I give her a treat#i’m thirsty#like right now#but I physically cant drink water without ice in the summer and that would wake up the entire household (my mom and my dad)#there’s this bitchass cricket that won’t let me sleep#omg I hear something outside of my window#I hope that’s a rat and not a human being#you know what I’m offended about#my dog doesn’t want to sleep with me ever. she always comes to give me a goodbye lick to my face before strutting off to my parents king bed#and I think that’s unfair considering the fact that I named her and begged for her for years#anyways#Ty for coming to my midnight rant#rant#I love that tag bc it sounds like a weird remix of rat that reminds me of a rat more than a rat does#percy jackson and the olympians
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you still resent nancy and jonathan for getting together???? for “hurting steve’s feelings”??? despite the fact that he verbally supported their relationship like 2 hours after seeing them together. this from a season that released 6 fucking years ago. a season prior to him saying that he was NOT in love with nancy anymore. do you want me to call shawn levy and tell him of your dilemma. bestie do you need to rewatch the source material
#ppl will use ANY excuse to hate nancy and jonathan to prop steve* up#their flanderised ‘pwecious little babygirl’ steve who is a delicate little flower who’s still butthurt over his high school breakup#albeit s4 did completely surrender to this bs characterisation bc the duffers don’t know how to write a storyline for steve that doesn’t#involve him being a lovestruck loser nowadays. SAD#get me in that writers room i could give him something good thats not egregiously repetitive#funny that the post that sparked this was an ANTI MURRAY FANFIC?????? in 2023. bc him suggesting jon+nancy should be together was unfair to#fuckin STEVE??????#1) murray is literally a jokey funnyguy character. he’s a little guy it’s his birthday he makes risotto studies martial arts is a conspiracy#theorist who daydrinks and snores on airplanes. he’s SO unserious#if u want to hate on him thats fine good for u whatever but do it for. normal reasons. like encouraging teenagers to drink and have sex in#his bunker. like he was not normal for that i get it i used to kinda dislike him for that too but like. its literally not meant 2 be#that big of a deal. nothing matters there’s no point the show hasn’t been genuinely good for six years nothing matters go outside go to bed#anyways. happy 3 AM everyone im going to sleep love and what have you on planet earth#stranger things#nancy wheeler#steve harrington#jonathan byers#mine
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When it comes to hygiene tasks and self care with disability and chronic illness, its pretty much a constant case of: don't let perfect be the enemy of the good.
Basically: it's better to do something, than to do nothing at all.
TLDR: Just because you can't do something "properly" doesn't mean you shouldn't do it at all. Do it half-way. Do it shitty. Do it barely. Do it on a technicality. But do what you can. Just try, because doing something will help you.
If you don't have the energy to scrub your body with a sponge, just rub soap over your skin with your hands.
If you don't have the energy to wash your whole body with soap, just hit the places where sweat accumulates, or where you're smelliest.
If you don't have the energy to wash with soap AT ALL, just sitting in water is better than nothing. It will wash away dirt and oils.
If you can't bathe or shower at all, a warm wash cloth is your new best friend. If that's too much, then try bath wipes. They're a bit bigger than regular wet wipes, and a bit more heavy duty. They're designed to help keep bed ridden patients clean in hospitals.
If you don't have the energy to dry yourself after a bath or a shower, just put on a bathrobe and get into bed. If you don't have the energy to get dressed afterwards, just don't. It can wait until you can.
If you don't have energy to brush your teeth for two minutes, honestly, just a cursory scrub is better than not doing anything.
If you can't brush your teeth twice a day, brush in the evenings. It will help take away the build up of food from the day.
If you don't have the energy to brush AT ALL, honestly, just take a cloth and wipe the plaque off your teeth. Rinse with mouth wash after if you'd like. Something is always better than nothing.
If you can't floss twice a day. Try once. If that's too much, try a few times a week. If that's too much, try setting aside a day once a week as a goal. If you can't keep a schedule, do it when you're able to. Hell, I keep some floss next to my bed so that if I forget and don't have the energy to go get it, I can just reach over.
If you can't iron your clothes, don't bother. Wrinkles are fine. Wear jumpers over wrinkly t-shirts. No one will know, and honestly, most people won't even care. If it's really wrinkly and it's A Big Deal And It Needs To Be Ironed, here's my life hack. Step 1: take a spray bottle, and spritz the item of clothing (while you're wearing it is easiest) until it's lightly damp. Step 2: use a hair-dryer on the clothes until they're dry. It gets rid of creases like nobody's business, it's easier than lugging out the iron and ironing board, and you get to have nice toasty warm clothes afterwards.
If you can't fold your clothes, try just hanging them up. It's less commitment. It's quicker to do. Granted, you need to have the space in order to do this, but it is also good at helping you downsize, and lets you visualise exactly what you have.
If you can't put your clothes away, invest in a couple of laundry baskets, and then just keep your clean clothes in the baskets. You can then separate washed clothes into underwear, pants, and shirts baskets. You can just leave them like that. I'm giving you permission to never fold your laundry again if you can't. Just leave it unfolded. Who's going to care? Something is better than nothing. If you can, try to put those baskets into your closet so that you can keep the clutter out of sight, and give yourself a more restful environment.
If you can't separate your clothing out into different categories and wash them "properly" (whites, warm tones, cool tones, darks, delicates / switching between hot & cold washes / paying attention to laundry instructions on the label) then just don't worry about it. If you cold wash your clothes, colours won't bleed. Maybe gradually over the course of dozens of washes there'll be some changes in hue, but it's really not as high stakes as the One Red Sock In The Whites Turns Them Pink trope makes it out to be.
I've pretty much come to the point in my life where if a piece of clothing can't survive the washer and dryer, then it's just not meant to be. I colour separate my clothes, and if I have the energy/remember I'll take my bras and jumpers out of the washing machine to drip dry. But otherwise, I leave it to the universe.
If you can't separate out your recycling, then don't. If you have a large amount of rubbish you need to get rid of but the idea of separating it out properly is stopping you from doing so, then just don't worry about it. I know it's not ideal, but if you have garbage in your room/house and you need to get rid of it, please just get rid of it. Don't let the problem get bigger and harder to deal with. Don't let "doing something properly" get in the way of keeping your living spaces clean. Please. Give yourself understanding.
If you can't wash your dishes, get paper plates. Obviously, it's not ideal, but it is better that you eat food than skipping meals. It is better that you have a clean kitchen, rather than having dishes piling up and making it harder to look after yourself.
If you can't prepare meals for yourself keep making the tasks easier and easier. If you can't do recipes, then simplify. Use pasta sauce from the jar instead of making it. Eat canned soup. Buy food you can just stick in the oven. If you eat fish fingers and microwave veggies every night, it's better than not eating anything at all. It's better than having to fork out money on take-out. If you need ready-made meals, then get them. If you're literally just eating a raw cauliflower for dinner; 1) I see you, 2) me too, sis, 3) something is better than nothing.
These are the basic things you need to do every day to function as a person. They are your activities of daily living. Brushing your teeth. Bathing or showering. Using the bathroom. Getting dressed. Eating. Drinking. Sleeping. Keeping your environment clean. You don't need to do these things perfectly, but they need to happen in order for you to have a decent quality of life.
And it breaks my heart, because I know that so many disabled people can't do these things every day. I'm not saying this to guilt or judge, I'm saying that these are basic needs; you deserve these things. These things bring dignity. If a disabled person is unable to do these things, it diminishes their quality of life. It robs them of dignity.
If you need help to do these things, Its okay to ask for help. It's okay to need help. But if you can't get that help and you have to do these things by yourself -- or you just plain want to be independent and do it without help-- then don't hold yourself to standards you can't meet.
Don't let perfect be the enemy of the good. Doing something is always better than doing nothing. Even if it's not perfect. Even if it's not done well. Do what you can.
#lord knows that im still trying to pull myself out of the muck and into independence and dignity#i had to set a rule for myself that i need to wear clean clothes every day. and that i need to wear pyjamas to bed#that one's been hard. sometimes I dont have the energy to do it and i just stay in the same clothes for two days at a time#or i go to sleep in what i was wearing. but when i do follow that rule my quality of life is drastically better#not feeling dirty or gross goes a long way to making you feel more like a person#i also made a rule that im not allowing myself to look frumpy outside anymore. that means clothes that look nice#no more trackies and pj pants and all that stuff. i basically lived in perpetual pyjamas for four years and im over it#i still dress comfortably but the important thing is that i dress. i look put together. i wear things that make me happy#(and i didnt need to buy anything to do so. i just needed to start taking better care of myself)#and i stopped letting perfect be the enemy of the good. i started doing things shitty rather than not doing it at all#and the more i keep pushing with my ADLs the better i feel#what helps is now i dont have to contend with stairs and that has made a dramatic change to what im able to accomplish#ive also finally built up enough strength in my body that im able to go to the shops by myself. so i can buy things to make easy meals#and mum doesnt mind if i just put some things in the oven or air fryer for us for dinner.#i still cant really cook. i felt bad about that for the longest time. i didnt even try bc i knew what id make would be disappointing#or it wouldnt be up to the standards of what everyone else was making. i was so sick of feeling like a let down all the time.#now i just make what i can and my mum doesnt complain bc shes in the same boat.#and yeah. having help would be nice. it would mean id be able to do more than what i can do by myself.#and its great to see how far ive come. but im not a burden. and when i have the accommodations i need i can do a lot more#i do something rather than nothing and my life has dramatically changed since then. ive just gotten better and better.#chronic illness#disability#chronic pain#spoonie#one things for certain and thats that im never going to let myself rely on anyone else ever again.#i never want to be on the other side of that ever again. I don't want to be anyone's burden. i dont want that hanging over me#i do things by myself or i dont do them at all. and god fucking willing i'll never go back to needing as much help as i used to#i really didnt realise just how much of an obstacle living with stairs was in my life. it was the biggest barrier against everything#stairs stopped me from being independent. if i couldnt traverse them i just didnt go anywhere. my world shrank so much#and not having the proper wheelchair shrinks my world even more. im stronger than i used to be but im still severely limited in where i go
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If decarabian was a gamer he would have the most decked out setup imaginable. 2000+ dollar custom keyboard where nearly everything but the internal components are made of solid gold. Top-of-the-line pc entirely encased in various ornately decorated gemstones. He would have at least five monitors (bonus points if they also double as surveillance monitors.) His gaming chair would in fact be a literal throne. At times he thinks that video game logic must surely apply to real life mortal human logic as well and vastly overestimates how durable most humans are.
Someone save her
#carmendeiact2whenplz#gamer decarabian theory#he's got wheatly po rtal 2 energy except he's not an idiot he's just overconfident in himself and his method of ruling and refuses criticim#ya know i figured i'd end up with a human decarabian design eventually but. I did not. expect it to be for Out of Touch Gamer Decarabian#anyway he's like okay humans need food and washrooms and sleep now if I set up five connecting houses into a common room#and according to the sims the human need decay at this rate and replenish at this rate#with ten people three beds will be enough they can take turns sleeping for eight hours exactly at these scheduled times#meanwhile the humans are going 'wtf why do I sleep at 12-8 my partner at 8-4 and my kid at 4-12 screw this'#decarabian watching it happen going 'No Thou Must this setup maximizes human abilities while minimizing human needs'#'cool consider my need to have a bit of fun and whimsy in my life care to schedule that into my life and my room'#'..........you don't need music fun songs are banned everything's working as planned there's no need for rebellion'#'of course my God there's no birds or freedom or even life outside your wind barrier we could want nothing more than our safe little cage'#'Exactly you get it see the people love me good job me now back to my sims'#genshin talk
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maybe I'm comfortable with tumblr because I get to say things I don't usually tell anyone
#like how my day is? or what dumb stuff im doing lol#my “safe space” where i got to meet people somehow (and theyre very cool :3c)#well. im happy if i get to do it now#cmon nae! sympathy points wont do you any good !!#okay so. tumblr gets to be my little planner too cause i get to write things in the momoment#so im writing things im proud of!#brushed my teeth for more than two mins today#n i actually washed a lil! its embarrassing writing this here because i dont want anyone thinking im dirty.... since its gross#but anyways.. im getting better at putting my phone down at night!#that means fixing my sleep right? i just have to sort out the mornings since i lose track of time#and struggle to leave bed (its too comfyyyy >.<)#and oh. i want to start going on walks..#itll be hard since the house is getting done n stuff but. anytine if the day. i feel like taking walks woukd be better for me#just to keave the house. my eyes always hurts when i steo outside#n thats not good :<#those are my goals for now. i do wanna get closer to my friends. and actually make friends!#ive had no friendships for nearly a year at college lol#its just been 'oh well' but i have actually felt lonely... oh well-#i guess i wanna get closer to people?#and.. talk to ny old friends too#i feel to guilty#im not good with this stuff. it drains me#but anyways. baby steps right? who knows#maybe ill make a friend on the trip! or next year too! that sounds good#ik nobody'll probably read this cause its word vomit lol#but basically yay yippee im feelin kinds alright#<333#posts.nae/rambles
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#tw vent#I am so. so tired#this week hit me like a freight train#I have final coursework to hand in in less than a week and I'm stressing because I was most definitely not given enough time to do it#and everything inside me is telling me I'm going to fail and I'm pretty sure my teachers think so as well#all my friends are high achievers who always get high grades and put their soul into their work and then there's me. Constantly failing#I try so hard but no matter what I do I never make any progress and I'm afraid I'm going to be stuck here#and that eventually my friends will move on academically and maybe socially and I'll be left behind and feel like a scared kid again#I can't go outside for a walk to try and calm myself down because I fucked up my ankle#so I'm sat here in my room surrounded by work I can't seem to even escape for a second#I just wanna explode#I'm getting to the point where I'm just being unproductive because all I do is sit in bed and rot#and if I'm not doing that I'm at work or at school#and of course I can't even sleep. I can't even rest for a moment#this is shit man#so utterly shit#mel's thoughts
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one thing abt being disabled/chronically ill that some people don’t get is that sometimes body maintenance that ensures you have the absolute minimum amount of function can also be something that takes away a lot of control and autonomy. you can argue till the cows come home that making those decisions to try and help yourself (or realistically to try to make sure things aren’t worse than they already are) is something that exhibits control and autonomy and stuff, but they can be so limiting in practice because they’re things that take up so much time but have to be done to do anything else
#i have to sleep a lot. i’m at the point where functioning requires 8 hours of sleep if not more#I should probably be getting 10+ but i’m a student and i work so 8 is the minimum. but then also getting ready for bed is a whole process s#the whole thing can take 10-12 hours depending how much im sleeping. just to make sure i can do anything#that is time in my day i cannot use for anything else. it’s not ‘oh but i can push through it’ because i can’t without spending the next da#lightheaded and nauseous and vaguely dizzy and with such intense brain fog I can’t think with my fatigue so bad i genuinely don’t know how#get myself to work a lot of days. my abled peers don’t have to deal with this at all. they have unlimited study time if they want to#and yeah it is a choice i’m making that’s true i could just not do. except i would lose my job and fail out of college because i would not#be able to get to classes or do my homework or think. but being told ‘but you are making choices about your life’ when i have lost so much#of what i used to be able to do because i am spiralling down and continuing to get worse is so.#literally last year i would wake up at 6:30 and then go to school till 3 and then go to my internship until 10 and get home at 11 and be in#bed anywhere from midnight to two in the morning and then wake up the next day and do it all again. i graduated with a 3.9 gpa and made it#into my top college while dealing with my cancer symptoms and then the two surgeries about it#but now i lose half my day to just making sure i can get out of bed. i can’t go anywhere because my body is physically too exhausted#any extra time goes into doing homework or occasionally time to myself#not decimating my health by doing minimum body care responsibilities isn’t freeing. occasionally i have a good day which is freeing but tha#usually goes into just. other things outside class or work or eating. I don’t go do something for myself or go do something fun on good day#because I still can’t. good days just mean i don’t want to lie down on the pavement when i’m going somewhere#I just. I don’t magically have control over my life because i try to get enough sleep. i lose half my day to doing that and ultimately it’s#just a bodily function that would have to happen anyway#this is a vent post im just having a really hard time right now because it feels like im in exponential decline. it was nowhere near this#bad last semester. my grades are tanking and i have no free time because anything outside of sleep is either work or school#vent tw#yall can rb this just ignore my tags completely#disability#chronically ill#i keep trying to explain to people how pots works because that’s all logical but there’s no way to explain what it’s doing to my body or ho#i feel all the time. the last time i felt this bad was when i had a bad flu or immediately after surgeries because i don’t react well to#anesthesia and always come out of them feeling like shit. and now i just feel like this all the time and it’s only getting worse#I can’t even stay up late anymore because my body feels like it isn’t counting the sleep even if I get 8 hours#I can deal if I have a free day the day after but that just leaves Friday and Saturday nights and I usually still have to do homework
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I won't touch on spoilers in this post, but I do want to note that I've been having a thoroughly magnificent time in Veilguard, despite the years of its development having molded me into a bit of a firm critic in the making. So while there are definite things to make note of in terms of EA's fiddling with the franchise (shh, no 'spoilers' in the notes!) I have to say that I've been amazingly positively surprised, and I would recommend the game to especially any old fans, though none more than the Origins and Inquisition lore fanatics like myself, for we have been offered the most delicious of feasts.
On that note, please know that Solas' muse is thriving like it didn't even do when I originally wrote him. I'm still only 40/45ish hours into the game, so have a ways to go still, but I already have a lot to say, so expect a lot of metas. And I can't wait to write him again, in all timelines (yes, that also means prior to DAI.)
#ooc. [ don't try to make it logical or edit your soul according to the fashion. rather; follow your most intense obsessions mercilessly. ]#[ did i go to bed-- then find myself unable to sleep because it's noisy outside and come back to my desk... ]#[ only to now find myself sleepy again? yes. but i just wanted to post this one thing. ]#[ man-- solas in da is like what zhongli is for me in genshin. my actual heart. /my/ vhenan really. ]
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THE MOUSE HAS BEEN CAUGHT IN A TRAP AND IT IS NOW TRYING TO GET OUUUUT. WHAAAAA. IT IS NIGHT TIME WJAY DO I DOOOOOOO
#😭😭😭#Ok i hope it'll be quiet until morning so I can put it outside tomorrow#I had literally just calmed down to go to sleep aaaaaa and now i head the CLACK and and now I'm all tense again#Ok there is no hope that it'll be quiet until morning right 😭 fuck#It's like. So close to my bed. I'm gonna hear it all night#Fuuuck I don't wanna put it right outside I gotta take it to the park#But i dont wanna hear it all night
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