#like right now the only thing holding me here is social obligation

[everlastingrandom]

the work task that I thought was going to take me at least five hours only took two and now I'm trying to figure out how to sneak out of the office >.>

[twizzie-lairs]

My Darling, My Honey

Alastor X Fem!Reader (Part 12)

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 |

Part 9 | Part 10 | Part 11 | Part 12

Part 12:

It felt like hours went by, and it looked like your suspicion was correct- as indicated by the deepening red of the skies of Hell, compared to the pale pinkish hue it was when Alastor teleported the two of you up here.

The entire time, Alastor hardly said even a single word- a rare occurrence, knowing his occupation and personal love of hearing himself talk. If anyone ever knew that Alastor just purely listened attentively to you for hours, they'd probably think you're lying.

You told him about how your parents and in-laws treated you like a bargaining chip for their own businesses and social standing to prosper- then for everyone to turn their backs on you as soon as you were married off. You were treated like a circus animal in a cage.

Even after that, he didn't say a word. He just rubbed his thumb across your hands as reassurance before you continued.

When you told him about how your ex-husband used and abused you, but then paraded you around as the trophy wife like nothing was wrong, all Alastor did was tighten his grip on your hands.

As you explain in full detail the emotional and physical distress it all caused you and the impact that meeting Alastor had on your life, which then spurred the meticulously planned murder of your then-husband, you could swear you feel his hands trembling ever so slightly.

Many more tears had fallen from your eyes during this whole process, your throat sore from talking so much at one time.

Then, you looked up at Alastor.

He looked at you with nothing but love and the most gentle smile you had ever seen.

Without saying a word, he stood up and walked over to you, helping you stand up. Then he gave you a warm embrace. You gasped in response. It was very rare for either of you to initiate much physical touch, but it was even less common coming from Alastor.

Not letting this opportunity go by, you wrap your arms around him.

Alastor pulls back from the embrace slowly to gently caress your face and says, "And here I thought I couldn't possibly love you even more, my dear. You're just as perfect to me as the day I first laid eyes on you..."

A chuckle escapes your lips as you lean into his touch.

"My vows still hold true, you know. As I put that ring on your finger that night you left me too early, I said to you...' 'In life and in death, I am forever yours, as you are forever mine. I love you, dear.' with only the moon and stars as my witness."

A huge smile spreads across your face, "Oh Al, honey... Looks like you were right after all, in life and in death, I'm yours". You say as you pull him into a kiss, that he happily obliges to indulge you in.

"My dear, I think we will have to have a proper exchanging of vows soon- one that isn't interrupted by a certain someone- banging on the DOOR!"

You hardly even noticed the muffled yells and banging noises that were present at door that then disappeared with a yelp as Alastor whipped around to unlock and open the door.

"Why Vaggie, to what do I owe the pleasure of a visit from you all the way up here?" He answered the door with a low growl to his voice.

"Alastor! You just up and kidnapped our guest and haven't returned for HOURS! You can't just do that! Especially when you were threatening their life!"

"Ahahaha! Funny thing! Yes, yes I can!"

"Why you... ALAST-"

"Hey, hey! Vaggie, don't worry. I'm okay, we're okay." You quickly shoved yourself between the two of them as you felt the tensions rising.

" (y/n)! What did he do to you?? What's going on here???"

You sheepishly smile as you slink back to Alastor's side and link your arm through his, "Just uh.. reuniting?"

Vaggie took a step back and raised an eyebrow while asking, "Hold on now, what did you just say?"

Alastor clears his throat, "Ahem, why I do believe I owe you and Charlie an apology of sorts! Perhaps a 'thank you' as well for saving the love of my life, my soon-to-be fiancée from when we were still alive!"

"Excuse me- WHAT???"

-> Part 13

Tag List:

@mysticwitchcraftco @lil-bexie @lonely-burger @cherry-cola-100 @angelxx7 @mariaclarade-la-cruz1 @avitute @justhellacesome @mcrtrashfan @spookysisters @galaxywing-has-adhd @ggyalruu @trashbin-nie @fudosl @night-shadowblood-writes2 @memospacexx @yuraaahs @completelyshatteredbrokenmschf @ghostdoodlen @moschinski @cannibalcoyote @missam @reader3 @yourworstgf @justaproudslytherpuff @milkspong3 @xdolls-crownx @1potato2rulethemall @1rxsemary1 @xxcrispxx @zardward @robin-the-enby @mylenapony11 @silvermoondarksky @bootylimpics @amarokofficial @euphoricaphrodite @blueyobsessedgirly @need-a-therapist @knifukiller @huayan @hwrimonsjer @no1sillybilly @kimmikreates @icarus-has-falllen @watchinthestarz @lady-lik3r @yunxi-11085 @luzzbuzz @tsukilover11 @plntmxrss @houmi @demoarah @papas-ghoulette @trashbin-nie @d-darlingyourbleeding @hallothankmas

[icyg4l]

PAC: What Do You Need to Know About Your Love Life Right Now?

Hello beautiful people. The topic of today's reading will be about love! This is my first PAC love reading that is features photos of the Queen of Love Songs herself, cause why not? I try to vary in topics so that I can deliver diversity amongst my reading topics. I do offer personal love readings as well as financial, career, education, general and readings about the other relationships in your life. Without further ado, please choose the image of Beyoncé that resonates with you that resonates with you.

Top Left-to-Bottom Right (1-4):

Pile 1: Pile One, you’re down bad, girl! I feel like this pile is in a monogamous relationship right now and you may be scared of what is to come. I feel like this relationship is new. This could be your first serious relationship that you’ve been in. And because of this, you feel afraid to mess anything up. Basically, you have high standards for this and don’t want it to end. There is nothing wrong with feeling this way. It’s common. But you need to be exerting this passionate energy into other things as well. Your relationship will only fail if you stop putting effort into it. So please… relax. Also, please stop letting any other failed attempts of relationships that you’ve had in the past affect your future. I don’t know why you let this happen but you are not the same person you were then. You have different boundaries and a different sense of self so please go easy on yourself, my love! You are not going to fail, boo. Just keep on moving with your boo! And lastly, ease into this whole exclusivity thing. Don’t rush it. You don’t have to expose your relationship to the public just yet. Do everything when your body feels it is right.

Cards Used: Temperance, Ace of Cups, Ace of Discs, 2 of Swords, Princess of Wands, 6 of Discs, 5 of Cups.

extras: dramatic. singer-songwriter. poet. dimples. big curly hair. big heart.

Pile 2: Pile Two, you’re quite the cocky one, aren’t you? I feel like this pile is someone that’s really guarded with their heart. You don’t seem to be easily trusting of others in general. I think you’re really focused on making stuff happen in terms of climbing the social ladder and congratulations to you! I feel like you have been tending to yourself, which is great. I’m sensing the energy of an ex. You let go of this crappy ex and everything has gotten significantly better. I’m getting big air sign energy from this pile, some real brainiacs are here lol. I feel like you should continue to focus on pursuing your personal goals and someone needs to here this: Go get your toes done! You’ve been doing an excellent job of calling the shots and exercising your throat chakra. You are not obligated to stay in anyone’s life in order to help them get their shit together so if someone makes you feel guilty for doing so, then fuck them! Pile Two, you owe yourself loyalty for sure. Please give it to yourself. Be generous towards yourself.

Cards Used: 6 of Wands, The Magician, 5 of Wands, 8 of Cups, 9 of Wands, Ace of Swords, Justice.

extras: megan thee stallion. rapper. un poco loco. ashley tisdale. donuts.

Pile 3: Pile Three, are you ready? I feel like you’ve been holding onto this very specific arrangement of love. You want to experience the magic of it all. However, it’s been a minute since you’ve been on the scene. I am getting some inexperience here. Maybe you’ve never really dated like that to begin with or it’s been a minute since you’ve gotten out there. I feel like there is actually someone on the horizon that you will come across. This could be someone that you work with or someone that you are already acquainted with. I think that this person would want to take you out on dates and do things the old fashioned way. They would be willing to do whatever you’d like but at the same time, they will take the lead. But in order for this, you have to be comfortable with the uncomfortable. It’s possible that you could also be divorced/widowed/distrusting of the dating scene (that’s completely understandable). But you need to listen to your gut, Pile Three. You will attract your person by keeping that vision pinned in the back of your mind, and I mean it.

Cards Used: 4 of Discs, The Lovers, The Chariot, 3 of Discs, The Hermit, 9 of DIscs.

extras: fresh prince of bel air. melanie barnett/”med school.” peaches. lint. seamstress.

Pile Four, someone’s getting some good good, but at what cost? Being in a sexual relationship with someone who does not share the same end goal as you is not as fun as you’ve been describing it. It was fun at first, but you know you want something more. So, why deny yourself the love that you want? I feel like you are putting in more energy than this person because you want something serious with them but you are not getting anything in return. Now you just feel drained and that sucks. You need to gather the strength to move past this person and put your sacral energy into something that matters. You will only continue to be disappointed because it is a one-sided connection. That person is stealing your energy whether you want to hear it or not. If you want better/more, then act like it. Know your worth, babe! There’s plenty of fish in the sea and there is plenty of fish that would want to wife you up.

Cards Used: The Devil, 9 of Cups, Princess of Cups, 8 of Wands, King of Wands, 4 of Cups, Strength, 5 of Discs, Prince of Discs.

extras: doormat. bald head. venus in the 12th house. argentina. frankenstein. black and white. southern belle. drones. washington d.c.

[raven-at-the-writing-desk]

You're analysis are always very insightful! Your considerations about Malleus' restricted options in terms of partners made me wonder if Kalim would end up in a similar situation as him. This is of course entirely speculation, since we don't know much about how his parents got together, but to me it makes sense that in the future he might have to deal with something like an arranged marriage. He isn't royalty, but the Asim family still has a great deal of commercial and political sway in the Scalding Sands, so it's difficult for me to believe that they would just let the heir marry whoever he chooses. And despite how carefree he may act, I don't think he would reject an arrangement made by his family. He seems pretty aware of all the obligations that come with being an heir to the Asim. Besides, rejecting a spouse that was chosen for him might put said person under a lot of public scrutiny, and I don't think he would want anyone to go through that

[Referencing this post!]

Oh, hmmm 🤔 I actually never really though about this kind of thing for Kalim so I guess now is as good of a time as any www.

I do think like there would be some selectiveness involved for Kalim too, given the financial power and political influence in the Scalding Sands that the Asims hold (and that's not even mentioning their connections via family, some of which are royalty, and business partners). There's also been several attempts on Kalim's life, so there would probably be an intense screening and background check process for anyone courting Kalim. Who knows if they're actually there to kidnap him or to take his life??? The Asims would have very legitimate concerns, so they have every right to be vigilant and suspicious of those who may try to take advantage of Kalim's kind-heartedness and gullibility.

Mm, I do feel like (overall) Kalim wouldn't be in as much of a tight spot as Malleus?? I get the sense that his parents are way more open-minded and truly care about his happiness (unlike the Briar Valley senators) so they wouldn't exactly force him to marry someone he doesn't actually love. Rather than a "you have no say in this matter" arranged marriage, they might instead present Kalim with a pool of potential candidates that have already been vetted and encourage him to try them out? Like, go on various blind dates and see if he "clicks" with any of them. There would be more trial and error, more exploration allowed (since there isn't as much of a demand for Kalim to have an heir, especially not right away; he has so many other siblings and family members who could help or assume roles in the business). I believe this is similar to how matchmaking is done in some Asian countries (although I'm not too familiar with the concept, I've only learned a little about it through some podcasts). From my understanding, they try to "match" applicants with someone of a similar social ranking as you (so in Kalim's case, he would probably be meeting people who are also mega wealthy) and based on what you (and oftentimes your family) are looking for. If it doesn't work out, then there's less of a chance for backlash since pretty much anyone can use these services and a perfect match isn't a guarantee, especially on the first attempt. Please feel free to correct me if I got any information here wrong!! ^^

[cjoat-boost]

March 4, 2024 Edit of this still relevant post from February 27, 2024

For those that view any of my online presences (including my blogs)…Um, this is something for you to know.

Please save this post so it doesn’t get buried by queue.

My& Current Health Situation

━━━━━━━━━━━━━

I wish to communicate this to y’all now so that…I don’t end up worrying anyone when this happens. It may have been noticeable by some folks that I’m dragging, heavily. I’m not having a good time right now with my body. With this comes with an onion of issues detailing certain aspects of what I’m going through.

I know I have a lot of obligations. Not only as a creative and content creator; but as a friend, a mentor, Guardian or even older peer, and myself. I’ve neglected myself for too long. I have been noticing my vitality decrease; and my CFS and POTS flaring up further.

Social Justice is something I’m always perceiving and sensitive to; and as such, the strain I’ve noticed too late has been worsening. Includes many emotional meltdowns and outbursts from me that I can no longer control or hold back.

Trying to figure out how to exactly sort through the mass tangles of my traumatized emotional and mental state isn’t as simple as I hoped for me. While I’m creatively burned out, I am suffering Autistic burnout. A double whammy of all things.

I’m finding myself getting “stuck,” unable to physically move for hours at a time. I’d move upstairs to eat something but end up being there for what’s normally an half hour task…for nearly 2+ hours. Even so, trying to force movement to do tasks that is considered “everyone can do these” is mentally painful and physically locking. Even if I have to desperately use the bathroom when I’m about to fall asleep, my headmates (AKA alters) have to switch to co-front or “snatch me back” in order to get my body moving. That’s with the sudden rocket spike in heart rate and blood pressure, and loss of balance (at the very least).

I’m already struggling to cope with many things due to the fact that I haven’t been able to draw much at all; or create anything and write anything. Especially trying desperately to fulfill my word on things I had the energy to do, but no longer do. So much of my struggles I can’t properly transmute. It’s so upsetting.

Thus, there’s going to be a sudden and abrupt shift in posting or messaging. I don’t know when. But it is coming.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━

(Especially since I’ve been feeling mania over the weekend. All weekend, Saturday and Sunday, I manic cleaned large portions of certain areas I occupy as well as my housemate. Today I’m feeling the aching in my joints badly, with my calves swearing hell at me. I’m wearing my wrist brace too, I just…I’m rambling.)

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

I wish for you to know what’s happening if you don’t see or hear from me, my headmates, or any of my online presences (as depicted here: https://cjoatbysamwise.com/cjoats-links ) No one is being forgotten. I’m not abandoning anyone. I’m not ghosting anyone. What I do know (still coming to terms with it ngl) is I need to stop, fully stop, and recover. It’s looking like my body is going to do that for me by force. It’s going to be abrupt and sudden to the inconvenience of many, including my housemate, unfortunately.

I don’t know how long this will last. But I don’t know how long I’ll be able to keep “hustling” like this. Does this sound repetitive? I wanted to communicate before suddenly I’m unable.

Does this sound repetitive? I’ll end it here. I wanted to communicate before suddenly I’m unable.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

I’ll end it here with how you can support me while I’m down, only able to and wish to (I’m aware financial situations are a big struggle at the moment, there is no pressure to.)

Provide support by these links:

Thank you for reading until the end; have an awesome week ahead. Please remember to hydrate and eat. 🫶����❤️‍🩹

[jxtina-86]

The Meet Cute

Roman thumbs through his phone, flicking from emails to social media to some dumb-ass game. He stifles a yawn, his gaze drifting across the airport lounge.

It's late, a handful of flights left to depart and the airport is slowly shutting down around him. His eyes fall back to his phone, his thumb hovering for a second before he taps the app icon.

There's a new message from the woman he'd matched with a few days ago. He ignores it, the chat so far has been dry. He needs to let her down gently, he can't risk just ghosting her, but he hasn't got the right words to tell her right now.

Instead, he starts to flick through the various profiles. He barely pauses on each one before swiping left. Again. Again. Again. He's not sure why he's doing this. He's out of here in less than 30 minutes. What's the point?

His thumb halts as he spots the distance on the next profile. 1 mile. He wonders if - he checks the name - Katherine is as bored as he is. He glances around but all he can see are guys in business casual.

He flicks through her photos - she's got the classics nailed, the hiking photo, a snap with a dog, a group of friends, in a bar holding a cocktail. But the last one, makes him stop. It's a black-and-white professional photo. She's leaning against a wall staring down the lens. Her long hair cascades over one shoulder, her arms crossed in front of her. Hooked on one finger is the arm of a pair of thick-rimmed glasses, dangling delicately.

Roman thumbs her profile - 28, writer.

You'll usually find me lounging in my favorite sweatpants, typing away on my laptop, and sipping on a cup of coffee that's probably gone cold by now. I'm all about keeping things low-key and having a good laugh along the way.

"Flight 968 to Tampa is now boarding at gate 4A."

He shuts the app without swiping either way.

The flight looks pretty empty judging by the minimal activity at the gate. As he hands over his boarding pass, the staff member does a double-take.

"My son's a huge fan," she tells him. "Would you mind...?"

Roman obliges, signing the blank boarding pass she hands him.

She taps on the computer. "Let me upgrade you, business is looking empty and I reckon you'd appreciate the extra leg-room."

"That's very kind of you," he tells her, chuckling as she blushes. "Thank you."

With his new boarding pass in hand, he makes his way down the gangway and onto the plane. Out of the 20 seats in business, only 9 are occupied. He checks his seat number - 4A.

As he steps forward he realises that 4B is occupied, a nest of dark hair just peeking above the seat but as he nears more of the occupant's face appears and he frowns as it seems strangely familiar.

"Sorry," he says he lifts his carry-on into the overhead locker. "I'm in the window-seat."

"No worries." She gathers her stuff - a laptop, notebook, pen - and stands to move into the aisle so he can get past. He catches her eye as he does. He knows her, but from where?

As they both settle back down, he gives her a sideways glance and then looks away so she can't see the look of realisation that suddenly dawns on him.

Shit.

Katherine tugs down the glasses from her hair as she opens her laptop back up. She can feel the stranger next to her looking but when she glances in his direction, he's staring out of the window, his baseball cap pulled down.

She inhales deeply, her mind switching back to her laptop but only briefly. Damn, this guy smells divine. The luxury of whatever he's wearing drifts over her. She's never been this lucky before, usually she's stuck next to an overbearing, sweaty businessman in a suit one size too small. This guy is in black sweats, the only sign of anything business like is his watch that gleams under the harsh cabin lighting.

"Champagne?" A member of cabin crew hovers over her, offering a glass. Katherine accepts.

"And for you, sir?"

Her seat-mate doesn't respond.

"Sir?"

"Hey," Katherine taps his arm softly.

"Huh?" Roman looks up. "Sorry, no. Actually, yeah why not."

He accepts the glass and takes a long drink.

She's pushed the glasses back up on top of her head, he notices. The loose sleeve of her sweatshirt slips back as she raises the champagne flute, revealing a delicate tattoo around her wrist.

She catches his eyes as she drinks and raises her other hand to her face. "Have I got something..."

"No, sorry, ignore me."

"Hard to when you keep staring at me."

"Shit," he exhales. "This is awkward."

"Less awkward than it already is," she replies and he wonders if that was a grimace or a smirk that dashes across her lips.

"I saw your profile. On Tinder."

There's a pause.

"You scroll Tinder in airports?" she raises an eyebrow.

"Clearly you do too, given it said you were less than a mile away."

She has the good grace to blush. "Touche..."

"Roman," he extends his hand.

"Katherine," she replies, letting his fingers curl over hers.

"I know," he chuckles and she rolls her eyes with a grin.

"So did you swipe right or left?"

Roman squirms slightly. "Neither. They called the gate."

"Good save."

"What do you write?"

Katherine's eyes narrow slightly. "You read my profile?"

"The first bit. Like I said, they called the gate."

"How far did you read?"

Roman frowns for a second. "Something about sweatpants, laptop and cold coffee."

"I write books. Novels."

"Anything I would know?"

Katherine laughs. "You don't strike me as someone who reads romance novels."

"Hey, don't judge a book by its cover," he winks. "But no, you're right. I don't."

"What do you read?"

Roman shrugs. "Not much. I don't get the time."

"What do you do?"

"Take a guess. I reckon that romance-novelist brain of yours can concoct a good backstory for me."

A slow smile spreads across Katherine's face. "You know what this is called? In my world that is?"

"Tell me."

"A meet cute."

----

A/N: Taking it back to the start. I'm writing these on the fly. It's almost 1am and I have to be up in 5 hours and I cannot get these two out of my head. If anyone has any requests (first date thoughts, spicy book scenes you want recreating between Katherine and Roman) send them my way. Photos of Roman making suggestive glances are also welcome.

[albatmobile]

Head empty just Roy and jason being submissive while high with reader ehueheuhe

(Ignore this if you want)

definitely more of this prompt to come in the next chapter!

romance and return policies

next: [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] || ao3

𓅪 Rated: M | TW: weed | 1.7k includes: alternate universe no powers, modern au, eventual polyamory, eventual relationships, eventual smut, gamestop au

𓅪 established roy harper x koriand'r eventual: jason todd x reader, Roy Harper x reader, koriand'r x reader endgame: Jason Todd x reader x Roy Harper x koriand'r

It's not your fault you always want the latest games, exclusives and merch for the fandoms you're in. 

In your old town, certain GameStop’s had even banned you from trading due to how much you were in there, something you’d never understand. Other stores sneered at you for always buying up the good shit before the employees even had the chance to stake their claim on it.

Since moving nearly across the country, the new GameStop you’ve started going to definitely seems to be the most chill of the bunch. It's in a small, podunk town in Arizona, which means you never have to beat the lines like you had to in the hustle and bustle of the East Coast cities.

The town's big enough to stay somewhat anonymous but small enough that if you visit a place once a week, by week three, everyone will know your social security number. Needless to say, the GameStop workers know your car by now, as evidenced by the way Roy sees you pull in and attempts to snuff out whatever he’s been smoking.

You don't normally use their back parking lot, but the DMV next door is extra packed today and spilled over into the shared lot. You figure he’s been smoking a cigarette until you step out of your car and smell it.

“I’m telling,” is all you say. The redhead flips you off easily.

Roy has always been overly welcoming and easy to joke with right off the bat, something you sincerely appreciate considering you don’t know anyone here.

“At this point, you may as well fucking work here,” Roy says. “Honestly, your word would mean more than mine.” You laugh, knowing it’s probably the truth. You make gimmie hands, which he goes to oblige easily, then suddenly stops. He regards you silently for a moment before looking around, then up at the security camera that he was just out of view of before finally holding out the joint to you. Fucking paranoid stoners. “Didn’t take you for the smoking type, darlin’.” 

“Considering you don’t know me, that seems about right,” you say, causing him to laugh easily at your prickly humor. At this, you sidle up to him in the blind spot of the camera, blushing slightly when your fingers accidentally brush in the hand-off. “My ex was a huge stoner kinda formed a habit that I can’t even maintain.” 

“Money?” he winces only after the question comes out, seeming only then to realize it’s a bit of an invasive question for the circumstances. 

You’ve been coming to this GameStop at least twice a week, though almost always more, for the past few months since you moved to AZ. Whether it be to browse or trade- Roy, a redhead named Star and some brooding dick with a grey streak always seemed to be there (you’ve never seen him wear a name tag, but he seems to be the manager). Regardless, your relationship hardly seemed to go past customer service ever. That is, until now.

Roy doesn’t seem like the type to have a filter, so you know he means no offense. You can’t lie, though, seeing him all flustered is doing things to you.

You quickly snap yourself from your wandering thoughts. 

Roy has always been extra touchy-feely with the beautiful red-headed employee who always offers you kind smiles and excited opinions on your choices. This particular employee has a special affinity for plushies and always seems to push more on you. At this point, you could run a shelter for plushies with the way their cute dead eyes watched you from the growing pile on your bed. After all, who are you to tell this seven-foot-tall goddess no?

“No,” you chuckle lightly as you inhale. “I just never learned how to roll.” 

It's a lie. 

A total, complete lie, but you know one thing: men love to think they're teaching you something. Plus, if it means someone will roll you free weed, who are you to turn it down?

“Oh, babe. I’ve got you,” Roy’s silky voice stirs arousal within you as he pulls out the decrepit remains of a smartphone. Android or Apple, it’s too far gone to tell, but the screen still brightens when he bangs on the home button, so it can’t technically be considered completely trashed…

“Won’t your girlfriend be mad?” you ask, looking hesitantly at the sharded screen he’s pushing your way.

“Kori?” Roy gestures to the store behind the two of you before waving off your concern. “Nah, she’s chill.” 

Kori, huh? She always wears a name tag that says Star, but you should’ve known it was just a nickname.

With all the basement creeps that come in and try to hit on you while you're here, you can’t imagine Kori’s position. Hell, you didn’t want to wear your name tag at the diner half the time if it wasn’t for Pam forcing you to ‘play nice.’

You raise a dubious brow. “I think you misunderstand my question: is Kori single?” you ask cheekily.

He snorts easily, eyes crinkling around the scattered freckles on his face, “Fucking figures that I’d finally get your number and you’re more concerned with the redhead inside.” 

“Finally get it?”

The deep voice startles you as the ‘Employee Only’ door whips open to reveal skunkhead.

“Get what?” you ask with a tiny tilt of your head.

Name-tagless dude gestures down to Roy’s cracked screen. “We had a bet going on,” is all he says. 

“Yeah, man. I got the number, but she wants the other babe,” Roy laments. The sexy brooding skunk, fuck- you have to learn his actual name- laughs. “Also, stop spying on me during my break, fucking weirdo.”

“I’m your boss,” he says. To prove his point, the raven grabs the joint from your fingers and takes a long drag. Your eyes remain wide while his close into green slits, taking you in with the smoke, closing his eyes with the exhale. “How else would I know you’re corrupting our best customer?”

“Corrupting!” Roy exclaims, gesturing to you as his eyes rip open. You immediately hold your hands up in surrender. “She came up to me! You know how the ladies get with this hair, Jay.”

Your face wrinkles in obvious disgust. “Is it too late to delete my contact?”

Roy huffs and yanks the blunt from ‘Jay’ and shoos him, “Jay, you’re ruining my shot, man.”

“Yeah, me,” Jay says. The tall man rolls his eyes and motions you in before retreating back inside. “What do you want?”

This time, you don’t contain your eye roll as you attempt to catch up to his quick pace. “What happened to the monotonous ‘Welcome to GameStop’ I used to get?”

“You’ve got half of my employees stockpiling the good shit for you. That’s what happened,” he responds. The raven glances at you over his shoulder, his usual emotionless eyes glinting with the slightest bit of amusement.

You don’t bother with a response as you follow him out of the elusive breakroom you’d seen them disappear to in the past.

“Not my fault you only have like four employees,” you say, shrugging with a faux-innocence he sees right through. You’re cute, though, so he’ll let it slide.

“I have three employees and all of them would probably return this overdue shit for you without question,” he says with an unimpressed look as he underlines the ‘return by’ date on your receipt and flips it around for you to see. “Two days, a bit irresponsible, no?” He exhales dramatically as he clicks obnoxiously around on the computer on the counter before shaking his head, “Don’t know if we can help even a loyal customer such as yourself in an incident like this.”

You don’t know Jay well enough to know if he’s joking or not, but before you can even respond, the bell chimes and welcomes in one of the other usual customers.

“You always come in on Tuesdays,” the man says. His greasy mouth quirks into a smirk as he winks at you and starts toward the counter. Before he can get too close, however, Jason shakes his head and points toward the door. “What? I didn’t do anything this time!” the man exclaims.

“Buddy, we’ve already talked about you scaring off my customers.” 

“Three strikes doesn’t apply?” the man tries.

Without waiting for Jay’s response, he disappears off between the shelves before coming toward the counter again with a box in hand. Once he’s back in sight, your eyes drop to the counter in front of you, wishing he would just leave you alone.

“Pretty sure you’re at your limit and,” Jason cuts off the man before he can interrupt, “I’m not going to argue with you about my own strike system, so kindly fuck off.” There’s nothing kind about the dark timber of Jay’s voice.

The other man seems to think better of questioning the manager who makes the GameStop uniform look like a stripper outfit through his muscles alone.

“I just came here to get this, man.” With this, he drops the box on the counter and you recognize it as the new, limited-edition final season statue worth over $400. Jason seems to realize this, too and looks at you with a silent apology before quickly checking the man out and personally escorting him to the door after. 

“Just because you’re a big spender doesn’t mean you won’t be banned if you don’t start treating her, let alone any other woman, with some fucking respect.” The look Jason gives the man is enough to send him scurrying out without so much as a glance back at you.

“Thanks,” you say quietly in the wake of silence that follows the door’s bell. The tinkling noise echoes around in your ears.

“Don’t thank me for shit like that,” he says, his tone leaving no room for negotiation.

You say nothing else as he processes the late return without question. 

As soon as he hands you your receipt, Jay walks you out to your car, holding the door open for you, all while making sure the man hasn’t lingered in the parking lot or anything. Luckily, it seems like Jay’s warning has sufficiently warded the creep off. He makes sure you’re completely in your car before shutting your door, then watches you peel out of the lot until your car is a mere fleck in his vision.

A/N: this was a spur of the moment fic i really had a craving for a gamestop au after i was forced to go in there to return some shit and was like o... i know what i need to do now, hence ^

let me know what you think and check out my pinned for my other content!

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[clothyume]

Rainbow After the Rain/ Episode 1

Season: Autumn

Characters: Izumi, Shu

Izumi: Hm? That’s… Is that you, Itsuki? 

Shu: Oh, if it isn’t Sena? Have you just disembarked as well? Or are you possibly on your way back to Florence now? 

Izumi: I just got back from Florence. You say you’ve just returned from France too? 

Shu: Exactly. I’m waiting for the transfer bus to arrive

Izumi: Hmm. In that case I’ll wait with you. But honestly, I didn’t expect to bump into you here, Itsuki

Shu: I could say the same for you. Why is it that I feel like I bump into you every time I return to Japan

Izumi: I’m only here because I have work again. Seriously, I just wanted to focus on my carefree life overseas… 

Shu: Then pardon me, but why not choose a job and stick to it 

Shu: You said that now you understand your own position in the world of modelling

Izumi: I said I haven’t made headway ‘yet’. Anyway, aren’t you in a similar position yourself? Are you looking down on me? 

Shu: Forgive me. It’s true that I’m in no position to comment on anyone else

Izumi: Hmph. You’ve become quite well rounded, haven’t you? It’s okay, I’ll forgive you for being so honest

Anyway, have you come back for work too? 

Shu: Ah, I’ve got bits and bobs. I’ll be staying for a week and then returning to Paris

Izumi: I guess we’re staying for a similar amount of time, huh. It might be work but it’s stressful being called out so frequently 

Shu: I feel the same. I’m currently jet-lagged. It doesn’t matter how often I fly back and forth, my body can’t compensate for the time difference

Naturally, that’s the reason I don’t plan to take on work so carelessly. In fact, the more trips home I take, the more flustered I become about whether or not to buy a souvenir

Izumi: Ah~ Didn’t you say you went into a salon before? Do you mean a souvenir to bring there? 

Shu: Yes. Be that as it may, there’s no culture surrounding souvenirs in France. The culture of bringing a souvenir when invited into a friend’s home

I entered a salon in which art-lovers gather. Therefore, the souvenirs I bring to the occasion must have the appropriate taste

Consequently, whenever I return home, I proudly buy and bring back a variety of things, but the hurdle of choosing items is becoming higher

Izumi: I know the feeling. I get the feeling that I need to buy something better than what I brought back before 

But, won’t it be better to buy something in Paris rather than feeling the stress of obligation? 

I just buy the members of “Knights” souvenirs whenever I feel like it. It’s no fun if it’s like a chore, so recently I’m holding back

Even if I don’t buy them, Leo-kun buys weird stuff out of pure curiosity anyways 

Shu: Hm. So it’s not much of a problem for you, but I can’t do something like that. 

My Parisian friends are very interested in Japanese culture, and tell me they really look forward to what I’ll bring back next 

I can only speak for myself, but I haven’t has much interaction with other people, and I thought I might bring back a souvenir as thanks for expanding my social circle 

When I think about it, I just can’t resist bringing souvenirs back. I don’t want to spend a lot of time on something like this 

Izumi: Right. I see where you’re coming from but, I never thought you’d break your heart for someone else like this…♪

Shu: What are you simpering at? Stop it or you’ll ruin that lovely face of yours

I might be simpering but my beauty is eternal. Please don’t say stuff like it’s being ruined

If it’s Japanese culture they’re interested in, then wouldn’t something of that calibre be a good idea? 

Shu: That’s something surprisingly hard to think of. Every time I go souvenir hunting, I realize that I know very little about Japan 

Izumi: Even if it’s your home country’s culture, there’s a lot of things you wouldn’t know unless you studied it all over again. I think it’d be faster to just ask someone who knows a lot about Japanese culture 

Shu: Do you happen to know of such a person? 

Izumi: H~mm… Actually, maybe Kanzaki, who I co-starred with in ‘Midnight Butlers’, might be a good fit? 

I’m sure I heard something after shooting that he used Kabuki techniques in his acting

He always uses strangely old fashioned words, so I’d be surprised if he didn’t know much about Japanese culture 

Previous | Next

[boysplanetrecaps]

Thoughts on Jonghyun, End of a Day, and Donghyun and Sunyoul's Performance

Hi, fam. In this post, I’m going to talk a bit more about the song End of a Day by Jonghyun, and what it means in the context of Sunyoul and Donghun’s performance on MNET’s Build Up. Along the way I’m going to be hitting some pretty serious topics, so don’t feel obligated to read this one if you’re not able to. It’s pretty sad. TW: suicide, mental health issues

This is Jonghyun.

He loved music from the time he was a child, and was scouted by SM Entertainment when he was only 15. He debuted as a member of SHINee in 2008, when he was 18. He was handsome, charismatic, and talented, with a unique and strong singing voice and great stage presence. He wasn’t just a singer and dancer and leader -- he also wrote songs for SHINee (Juliette), EXO (Playboy), bandmate Taemin (Pretty Boy, Already), and Lee Hi (Breathe). He was a gentle, sweet man, who stood up for social justice issues, including LGBT rights. He also was suffering, as we can tell after the fact, from mental health issues. 

A lot of what he was feeling comes through in his songs Breathe and End of a Day. 

Here’s a selection of lyrics from Breathe:

Take a deep breath Until both sides of your heart get numb Until it hurts a little Let out your breath even more Until you feel like there’s nothing left inside It’s alright if you run out of breath No one will blame you It’s okay to make mistakes sometimes Because anyone can do so Although comforting by saying it’s alright Are just words

Someone’s breath. That heavy breath How can I see through that? Though I can’t understand your breath It’s alright I’ll hold you You really did a good job

Here’s a selection of lyrics from End of a Day, which people say was inspired by his dog:

Your small shoulders, your small hands Become my cozy blanket at the end of a tiring day You did a good job today, you worked so hard I hope my shoulders and my thick hands Will become cozy comfort For the end of your tiring day as well I want to naturally sync my breathing with yours

Like water in a bathtub that wraps around you With no space left I want to warmly hold you without any space left At the end of my day, filled with awkward mistakes You, my prize, are waiting for me

I can’t cry all I want or even laugh all I want At the end of a tiring day but still, if I’m next to you Like a child, I can whine and then laugh Till I run out of breath I’m not used to seeing myself like this

You did a good job today, you worked so hard You are my pride

This preoccupation with wanting to do a good job, with wanting others to recognize that he did a good job, comes back in the worst possible place. 

In December of 2017, Jonghyun lost his life to suicide. It was something he obviously had been planning for a few days at the very least. In his note, he said he was “broken from the inside,” that his depression was “devouring” him. He spoke of wanting someone, anyone, to notice how much pain he was in, or to give him a reason to live, or just meet him where he was and empathize with him. He also spoke of feeling like he was going against the world, and ended the note by saying:

“It wasn‘t my path to become world-famous. That’s why they say it‘s hard to go against the world and to become famous. Why did I choose this path? It’s quite funny now that I think about it. It‘s a miracle that I endured through it all this time. What more can I say. Just tell me “good job.” You did great. Tell me I suffered enough. Even though you can’t laugh right now, just don‘t send me off blaming me. Good job. You suffered a great deal. Good-bye.”

To whom was he speaking, when he said “Good job. You suffered a great deal”? I think he was talking to himself. He was saying to himself what he wished someone would say to him, the same thing he said to himself in the lyrics of the songs he wrote. Good job. You did well. 수고했어 Sugohaesseo.

And that’s why this whole segment with Donghyun and Sunyoul on Build Up completely broke my heart.  

We already saw Donghyun’s reaction to being selected as Top Tier in the first round of performances. He almost broke down, saying he’d never been chosen in first place for anything before. His overwhelming desire for praise and recognition made the judges a little uncomfortable. But even when he’s top tier, he and Sunyoul still feel like that. When they have to choose someone to sing to when they’re singing Jonghyun’s song, they need to sing to themselves. They have to tell themselves Good job. You did well. 수고했어 Sugohaesseo.

When they lose the 2 vs 2 rival battle to the other team, after laying all their vulnerabilities on the line, Sunyoul thanks the the judges for the praise, saying he was “hungry” for those words. They told him he did a good job. But Donghyun, who got mixed results from the judges, takes it really, really hard. Sunyoul tries to comfort him by saying the magic words: Good job. You did well. 수고했어 Sugohaesseo. But the words fall into a bottomless pit in Donghyun’s heart. Did he do well? He didn’t do well enough to beat the other team. There is no good enough to fill that pit. 

After Jonghyun died, Lee Hi sang a song as a memorial performance at an end of the year award ceremony. She sang Breathe, the song he wrote for her, the song that was a wail of his pain, and she couldn’t quite make it through it, falling silent for almost a whole verse.

I found an article about that, and when I scrolled down a little, the very next article was about netizens attacking f(x)'s Sulli for something she did that they didn’t like. An article about an idol who felt pushed to take his life because he was never good enough for the public, followed by an article about another idol being attacked by the public -- an idol who also lost her life in the same way not too long later. 

Where does this end? I don’t know. 

Am I feeding this machine, by being a fan of this industry that chews people up and spits them out? Am I being too heartless to the people on this show by pointing out when their singing is pitchy, or nasal, or out of tempo? Should I just say 수고했어 sugohaesseo, you did well? The words that they all want to hear? The words that Jonghyun said in his note that he wanted to hear? The words he wrote to himself to soothe himself at the end -- his last thoughts on this earth?

수고했어.  

수고했어. 

At the end of Our Page, the song that the surviving members of SHINee wrote to honor Jonghyun, you can hear Onew saying  수고했어 in a soft voice. Did that reach Jonghyun, wherever he is? Does it reach anyone? 

Jonghyun, 수고했어. You did well.

Sulli, 수고했어. You did well.

Hara, 수고했어. You did well.

Moonbin, 수고했어. You did well.

And while they’re still here to hear it, I want to say it to everyone on this show, too. Donghyun, 수고했어. Sunyoul, 수고했어. 

And you, dear reader. You also. You are doing well. You don’t owe anyone anything. You don’t have to be productive or useful or what other people want you to be. Be kind, be open, be happy. You are doing well. 수고했어. 

Click here to go on to the next recap Click here to go back to the Build Up main post

[scorchedthesnake]

August 13, 2012

This is my most complicated memory from the McKittrick Hotel. I will leave out the key players’ names because it feels far too personal to include them – though I admit the implications here, in conjunction with the previous entries, make extremely clear who was involved. I don’t think my relationship to the place makes full sense without this memory, so I feel I have to do it some justice.

It seemed like we were at the McKittrick Hotel every other day in mid-2012. In late June they threw a Pride Party – Joey Arias headlined, there were drag queens up on the roof. I remember showing up at the Gallow Green elevator for entry where there were two competing lines – McKittrick people, and CockyBoys people. I got squeezed into the elevator with a lot of the CockyBoys, as well as this guy John who had been my first hookup in college. I don’t know what his relationship to the porn people was.

In the course of the evening, I was given news that felt like an devastating punch in the gut. An absolutely wonderful thing was beginning but it had to hurt me. The news came to me as gently as possible, and he knew he had to tell me sooner rather than later, but the constant stream of joy I had long felt in the hotel was now mingled with a complex sadness. 

Late in the summer, I began to plan my attendance around the hope of avoiding them - even though they were my favorites in all their roles. The show had never been stronger but it felt like it was taunting me. I watched people’s social plans and bought last minute tickets when it seemed like I might be safe (from the consequences of my own overblown envy and hurt).

So it was that I showed up that day. They had been at the beach all morning, I’d seen all the posts on Instagram. Surely that meant a day off? And yet when I entered, there they were, the Boy Witch glaring at me, tormenting me in every measure as much as the Porter. And my heart broke for both of them, honestly, playing out this tale of unfulfilled, demonic longing when the reality was so much the opposite of that. I watched as he toyed with him, and flung him against the wall. The Porter reached up to embrace him and was repaid with a cruel rejection, cast down to the floor. I had to reach down to help him, and in that moment I felt that I truly knew the Porter’s agony.

He took me back to his room. The only thing I did differently this time was that when I sat down, I rested a hand on the desk. But when he sat down across from me, we were both already crying. He took my hand gently and held it as he began the ritual, never letting go. He guided both my hands as I pulled the wig onto his head, and we both ran our hands through it, looking into the mirror with a deep feeling of pride at the beautiful sight of ourselves, our true selves, revealed at last. And we continued to cry even as we beamed together. Until recognition took us both – this could not be. No, this wasn’t right, it wasn’t where either of us belonged. Then he tore the room apart - every box, every prop overturned, he raged and quaked, and still we both cried. And at last he took hold of me and threw me against the door – loudly and forcefully, until he collapsed onto me and whispered into my neck, 

“Thank you.”

He made a vain attempt at restoring some order to the room but there wasn’t time. He composed himself as best he could then I followed him back out toward the lobby. He turned every few steps to look back me, the tears still falling. At last, he left me, he had to, another scene needed him and all of this was in fact obligation.

I retreated to what I considered a relatively private place – the back area of Malcolm’s office, which outside of his scene there is mostly undisturbed – and there I wept, violently.

I have no memory of anything else from that performance. Afterwards I stood at the bar, ordering yet another of the drink with his name on it. He appeared sooner than cast normally do after a show, and hurried toward me. “What was that,” he asked? “What did we do?” I had no answers for him. We hugged and tried to laugh a bit. 

For some time, we called it the most intense 1:1 either of us had ever experienced. This led to some interesting rumors as others interpreted what neither of us had been able to name. But it was nothing like that – he would never. It was all very much by the script. At the time, it felt like we were grieving something together – the recognition of an impossibility? The passing of an age? The foreclosure of something that could never be? Over the years as I have thought back on it, I wonder if it was an apology. He had warned me, weeks earlier, not to get attached, because he could tell that I very obviously did feel attached. I am sure he did not enjoy that his bliss necessarily hurt for me, and that it meant our relationship had a different path it would have to take. It did feel like genuine care, and genuine loss, and not just for me.

We’ve talked about the 1:1 itself, but not about what it meant. Maybe we’ll revisit it here at the end, now that we’ve replayed this moment together for the last time, as different, older people, with much growth and change between then and now. This is my most complicated memory from entire run of the show, but also my most cherished. For as much as it all hurt, my heart lived.

[bacarasbabe]

Hello hello my love, may I please ask about 21, 73 and 76? x

Hello my beloved 💕 I'm so sorry for the late response. I've started answering you multiple times but irl things kept getting in the way and I took a small break from here! Really, I just wanted to give you a serious answer that I took my time with instead of something rushed and not very well thought out. I hope you can forgive me darling.

21 - Do you prefer writing chaptered fics or one-shots?

I don't have very many chaptered fics but as I've been growing and evolving in my writing style I think I've begun to gravitate towords chaptered fics. I find a lot of joy in developing plotlines and characters through multiple chapters. It's an interesting and fun challenge to face, but one-shots will always hold a special place in my heart.

73 - What do you tend to get complimented on the most about your writing?

Hmm, this was interesting to disect but I think I get complemented on my aestetics the most lol.

76 - How do you deal with writing pressure, whether internal or external?

Fyi, I've written the response to this question like five different times now. I think I've settled on an okay respose, but I wanted to take the time to get this right. I know so many fic writers and creators deal with stress, and not all of us come out the other side as creators still. While I'm unsure if my insights will be helpful to you, I hope you can find something valuable in my perspective.

(Full answer under the cut bc it's long.)

We've previously discussed the unique frustrations that fic writers face, particularly on this website. The constant barrage of anonymous asks, only inquiring about more content or the release date of the next chapter, the likes without comments or reblogs, and the limited interactions can wear you down over time. I know that I've felt the weight of these pressures and so have so many countless others. There are numerous other aspects I could complain about, but I am actively working on letting go and trying to move past these things.

It can be difficult when, at one point, fic writing felt like an avenue to engage in commentary, discussions, and the social aspects of the community, rather than merely producing content for others to enjoy. The stress and perceived pressure to consistently create began to erode my love for writing, prompting me to step away. I needed to distance myself from everything, and surprisingly, it turned out to be a positive decision. During my break, I created a side blog using a completely different email address, allowing me to enjoy things without feeling the need to hold myself to any standards or obligations. I granted myself permission to consume instead of constantly create, and to enjoy without worry. Taking that break was a significant step for me, enabling me to establish boundaries, which was exactly what I needed. I realized I had been giving too much, rushing through writing instead of savoring the process.

Now, with a story that I hold dear to my heart, I find myself in a place where I can dedicate myself to it and genuinely enjoy the journey. I am completing the story for myself because I genuinely want to, without the burden of writing other fics or constantly trying to entertain followers. Even with this mindset, I must admit that I don't have a comprehensive answer for you. After being away for over a year, gaining a fresh perspective on things helped immensely. Additionally, the words of a cherished mutual we share had a profound impact on me. They expressed, in their own way, that my fics are already complete the moment I posted them. Regardless of any future chapters promised. It's perfectly acceptable if I never post an ending because the audience is not entitled to one.

Dealing with writing pressure, whether it stems from internal expectations or external demands, requires a conscious effort to set boundaries and prioritize personal enjoyment and fulfillment. Taking breaks, gaining perspective, and finding solace in the fact that your creations are already complete can all contribute to a healthier and more enjoyable writing experience. Remember, your writing journey should ultimately be driven by your own passion and desire, rather than solely catering to the expectations of others. I know that this is easier said than done. I know. But hopefully you can take a piece of this and apply it to your own stess.

[onsomekindofstartrek]

And also, like, our inability to talk to liberal voters without barely concealed disdain is going to be our undoing.

There are mostly three kinds of people in America right now, not counting the far left, because we’re barely statistically significant.

There’s the right. There’s no more near right and far right, there’s just the right now, they’re all in cooperation with each other no matter what differences they might have. They are 100% invested in opposing us.

There’s the centrists. They’re basically where the right were 25 years ago, and they’re deeply invested in how much they oppose “both sides” (which lets the people holding “default” conservative positions pander to them and lead them by the hand.) They’re 95% invested in opposing us.

And then there’s the center-left. And yes, like, you don’t have to tell me how liberal incrementalism is worse than useless for bringing about socialism. That’s obvious. And to be sure, they do oppose us. They’ve been told we’re their enemies and some of them are quite invested in that position.

But regular liberal voters are literally the only group of people we can have any hope of recruiting from. Unlike liberal politicians and unlike conservatives and centrists, liberal voters do genuinely believe in improving the world, they just have a flawed conception of how much the world needs to be improved and in what way, and what means are permissible. Those are concrete things that they can be educated on.

Right wingers aren’t just wrong. They fundamentally disagree with us about what the purpose of society is, what the value of human life is, and sometimes even about whether a political actor should even try to be rational. If you successfully talk one conservative into changing their views, you may be some kind of rhetorical god, because that entails changing literally the entire worldview.

Centrists are an intellectual void, I don’t have to make a case here, they’ll make it for me, just try talking to them. And anyways I feel like they’ve all become professed conservatives lately.

But a liberal at least believes that society should benefit people in some way, and that democracy is at least conditionally a social good. There is some scant common ground for discussion here.

To be sure, some of them are hostile to us. Virtually all of them see us as misguided, ironically enough.

But I genuinely think we have to be trying our damnedest to slowly bring liberals over to our camp. If not them, whom? Literally they’re the only people we can even hope to convert and we hate them almost as much as we hate the conservatives, and as much as the conservatives hate them. A lot of you people are too damned invested in the ideological purity of our movement.

At the end of the day I can only see that as self-sabotage. On some level you don’t want hope, you don’t want to succeed, because you’re already in despair about the state of society and that’s seductive. “Let the world burn, at least I fucking called it.” You’ll work till you die, smug in the knowledge that at least you understand the fundamental flaws of capitalism while all these other plebes don’t. In that way, is your movement better than Qanon? If its only purpose is to present a comforting phantasm, well, that’s what Qanon, antisemitism, transphobia and most world religions do for their adherents too. What good is the truth if you don’t spread it and don’t let it inspire you to action? Even Christians have a saying about that.

If there were hope you would be obliged to get up, dust yourself off and do something, work with people you find personally distasteful, risk whatever comforts you have for a better future, and I don’t think you people can fucking stand that idea.

[softeningmyheart]

Hey, I'm back. Maybe? I think I'm back. Who knows. I want to be more active on here but you know how it is.

Sorry for the inactivity, and sorry to everyone whose messages went unanswered in that time. I've been going through a lot in my personal life and I've been avoiding most of my social obligations, including online. I think its been weeks since I last opened Tumblr at all. Whenever I start struggling, I always stumble back into my three greatest vices; procrastination, escapism, and self-isolation.

You know how when you're in the thick of it in terms of your mental health, and your social energy begins to plummet down to nothing, and you start putting off responding to people so you can sort of mentally avoid being present in reality? But then you feel more and more pressure to answer people as time goes on, and it begins to exceed a reasonable time frame and you start imagining you'll need excuses? But you don't have excuses because you've just been rotting in your bed most of the time? So now you feel like you can just never show your face again because you're too socially awkward to keep up with basic conversations? Yeah. I fell into that trap again.

So apologies if I haven't answered you. I'm just having a hard time right now, and if I'm being honest I'm a bit ashamed of the state my life is in right now so I feel apprehensive to let people into what my daily life is like. I've isolated myself so badly that now I worry that if I don't keep myself I'm just going to overshare with people or trauma dump on them or otherwise make others uncomfortable with my own baggage.

It's just rough when you're living a life you're not happy with but your options for change are severely limited. Hard not to feel like I'm not just some incompetent useless person who isn't strong enough to do anything else. I know rationally that my physical disabilities make things a lot harder for me than others, but I just don't see myself as inherently different from others like that.

My relationship with Allah has been a little rocky. I've had moments of a lot of faith, and moments of very low faith, and a lot of in between where I slip back into old sinful habits because its easy, comfortable, familiar, and ultimately they're all a crutch. I can recognize for myself the way all these things hold me back but I still don't feel strong enough to take action on anything by myself. I know that I won't be able to move forward and really be Muslim unless I make a lot of very difficult changes but the truth of the matter is I am too scared, too tired, too clueless, and I just can't seem to ever muster up the willpower I need to do any of the things I want to be done.

I don't really know what to do. Even when I do, I find that something in me just stops me even if I do not want to put things off. Living at what is considered a normal pace just feels so hard. I feel chronically overwhelmed despite my constant inaction. I know Allah is strong and I can rely on him, but what am I to do when my heart isn't strong enough to trust in him completely and give up on ever looking back? My only hope is that Allah takes even more pity on me and provides me with not only the means to escape this haram lifestyle but the willpower to change and the strength of heart to remain a changed woman for good. Truthfully, I don't know what I need, but I know I need something to change drastically if it's ever going to get any better than this.

[jonathankatwhatever]

It’s 25 Dec 2023. I have no mathematics in my head at 5:30AM. Worry about the cat now is a D4-3, meaning it is within the Boundary of whatever can happen when we move the cat, assuming we are able to move him, and there is no great escape or the like. That means it has been removed from the step further out on that chain of what happens, in those permutations which connect to steps of whatever happens next, to whatever happens next with each piece of everything in this existence, like in this house, which is finally emptying. What an absurd amount of work. And I don’t see a way for it to have been less because the hold-up wasn’t the labor but the going through of everything to sort it into keep or go. Throwing money at the problem wouldn’t have reduced the stuff, and maybe would have maintained much more of it. That’s a rationalization, which now means what?

It approximates this version, meaning the I//I of the Triangular, which you can see occuring over any midline, generates a D3-D3, a sort of Alphonse & Gaston of you first, no you first, no you first, no you first, which we see expressed in many cultures’ social obligations. That expresses the inherent ambiguity of the Hexagonal construction.

That’s difficult. Keep going. Say it’s you or me or some other label that lets you get inside the experience. You have 2T within you, and those 2T are both discrete and joined. They are joined in the nSquare and they are discrete in the 1Square. The 1Square extends to gs primes, which are, as we keep repeating, versions of 1. The nSquare also extends to gs primes; you only have to see 2 or 3 as whatever 1 happens to be counted.

Over the past few days, we’ve realized that counting can change levels, that we can count a 1 which is 2 to make ½ of a count of 2 along with another 1 that also might be 2. Or some other prime. That’s the point behind the Riemann ‘hypothesis’, because that pole enables that shifting.

It’s gets confusing visually. I see a pole, but I’m being distracted by sexual images, and that has depth like into the various forms of meaing associated with each layer of the pole, which are accessible because that pole acts as the count of 1’s, which means the count of layers, which means across LayerView in the construction of a gs sheet, which means an Extent in Triangular. Now I see each step in Triangular as a bubble or as a circle, which then gives me the Leetch lattice’s D24 structure. What was that? About 200k? And that then Attaches.

Got lost in numbers.

Simplifying. What would a 17*19 space be? That’s szK9 and szK10, so it stretches from 8 as the evens of L17 to 9 as the evens in L19. So that’s a sort of attachment space made of these gs primes, as they map to the association space generated if you relate SBE3 to base10, which is SBE3+1. So if we treat SBE3 as n-1, then the count of 10 Attaches to make n, and that invokes the finite versus the infinite, seen here through the scaling inherent in SBE3+1 and thus within base10. That space is I think the difference between the D24 closeness or kissing number, which I just got and if I can stop giggling, to the Monster’s representation. I can’t remember the work we did on this before, but this must fit.

The words aren’t entirely clear, but this is really lovely work. My fluency increases daily. So, one thing that’s becoming clearer is the relationship between nSquares and counted out gs, meaning 1Squares. Think of those as groups and you get the idea. A 1Square acts as the counter, just like in any gs prime form, except we call that simple when we take states and process together. So here you get a D24 kissing number and then we add the process of the Attachment space, which invoks L-counts and gs primes to make a gsSpace which is a 1.

Now you can see the Collatz answer better, right? Halving must lead to 1 because it counts 1 and 1, and all 1’s must represent 1gs, must connect to 1gs. So, when you multiply by 3, which counts SBE, and then you add 1, you are generating the exact nSquare counting described recently and above. That is a characteristic of any number, that it represents an nSquare and a gs count.

I’m getting very tired. Worked all day lifting, carrying, wrapping, moving. Another day today. I’ll think of you a lot.

[froshele]

ok heres the thing right: ethically i think its actually better to help others because theyll help you than because it makes you a good person

heres why:

1) doing things because they make you a good person only holds as long as you care to be a good person in the eyes of the people around you. i think we all agree that being situationally ethical is sub-ideal no matter what our moral system is

2) "if I help people, they will help me" is both a realistic and an easily teachable and demonstrable truism about human behaviour

3) if you help people because of the observable effect this has on their behaviour towards you and each other, you inure yourself to an extent against propaganda. anyone can convince you of anything's moral worth if you happen to find yourself alone and in need of a community to tell you that you're a good person

If people Don't help you when you help them, framing the issue in terms of a social contract where you've done your part and theyve failed to uphold theirs allows you to conceive of them as an asshole. not a Bad Person, not ontologically evil - just An Asshole. its ok for some people to just be assholes to just you personally.

Their Goodness as a Person is not being considered here; they could run 37 orphanages, and run them well and honestly, but in your own personal little life bubble you have just learned that you, personally, in particular, cannot trust them to behave with you in the way you deserve fundamentally as a person, any sort of person.

Now what? Well, we don't give time to assholes, we don't think about what an asshole they are. We don't stew. We let them be and don't participate in their life more than we have to, and we never, ever, ever rely on them for anything.

They have violated a contractual obligation all people have towards other people (namely: if someone helps you, you have to help them back; if someone needs help, and you can help them, you must), and so we don't have to waste time fretting about their motives or ideological purity or what have you, we simply place them outside the system of our social contract and we move on. They can keep existing, they just don't get to demand decency of us, since we cannot expect it from them. It's very simple and very effective as a way to not waste time fighting strangers on the internet.

The person who helps others because the world runs on people helping people is actually a better person (i dont believe in the concept and what i mean by it is i am invoking the value metric of how much good they do in the world and how readily) than the person who does things because They're A Good Person.

I don't identify as a good person like at all - I have worms in my brain that make it really hard to behave ethically towards people because essentially I am on a deep reptilian level sure that everyone wants to fuck me over and that compels me to get them first, and so I have to solemnize a lot of contracts because that's the only thing my brain is capable of holding sacred

And that is not the decisionmaking platform of a conventionally defined good person, who never has any impure thoughts or hurts anyone

but I am a person who holds up his ends of honest bargains, and if we're all having a moment about returning to a preindustrial idyll or whatever, i am the sort of person that my ancestors could have liked, which sort of fucks actually

I spare as many insects as possible so when I’m in a life or death situation our psychic link will activate as they all rush to my aid

[hi-i-vent-here]

let's talk about the painful obligations from friendships and relationships in general.

I'm a man with low energy for social situations (autistic) even when they're online, I have even lower energy when the social situation requires me being a therapist. Don't get me wrong, I want to help. When a friend comes up to me to talk about their personal struggles, I'm open to hear. It's draining but I understand that if I want to be a good friend, I need to make an effort to be there.

With that being said, I feel so pressured to be a therapist all the time, to be there all the time, to give support all the time, to make them happy all the time, to reply in a nice tone, to not feel sad when they do something that hurts me because I have to be understanding, be understanding, be understanding, be understanding... I am tired. I simply don't want to be around people, they are so demanding! All the time! Everything that I do, I feel the internal pressure to be good enough!

I wrote about the conversation I had with my friend here, I'm so hurt about that. I feel like an awful friend, like I wasn't good enough, I feel that I need to make everything right when I'm around them so I don't hurt them. I'm not writing about them, I'm writing about ME, I'm insecure that I'm not good enough. I'm so tired of being a therapist! (I'm almost crying haha)

I put myself in this position, it's so draining. That doesn't reflect in my friendship with them, it's not about my relationship with them, I know if I need to (wait do I know that?) talk to them about this, I can, but that wouldn't help, because it's not the friendship the problem, I need to work on myself. Or maybe the friendship is the problem? It's just that things are so heavy now, I feel the need to be analysing everything they do so I don't mess up again, so I'm a good friend.

I'm being too hard on myself, it's not my obligation to do that. My obligation is just to respectful, not to be there 24 hours available. I was going through my struggles, I still am, I don't need to beat myself over this. I need to let things go. I hold into my most hurtful experiences like a dog holding into a bone. But how do I learn to forgive others, or even more difficult, how do I forgive myself?

When I think about them I just remember of getting told I wasn't THERE and feeling that I MESSED UP. I feel unappreciated, because I was always, always, always, always, always there when they needed! The one time I wasn't there, I had to listen to them crying because of my behavior. Even though I was going through MY problems and they were not there, I sucked it up, I put a smile on my face and I kept going without saying a word. All the time I was hurt I just sucked it up and kept going. I could have said something, I could have opened up and solved things, everything is so heavy now with them and the friendship feels so demanding because of what happened, I feel so selfish, but I'm unable to open up because I feel that they will use what I say to prove their personality to me. Like, they put in their head that having lack of empathy was cool and that now they don't have empathy, alright, there is nothing wrong with that. The paradox is that I felt obligated to show enormous amounts of empathy and care when I didn't felt like they gave a damn about me. Everytime I would open up they would say "sorry you feel this way" and I would say "I appreciate your sympathy" because EVEN if they were hurting me to prove to themself this "cool characteristic of their personality" I STILL FELT RESPONSIBLE FOR NOT MAKING THEM FEEL BAD, even with me being vulnerable I was the one that tried to give them a pat in the back for trying.

I would feel even more hurt when they compared our struggles, I understand that it was their way of showing they cared, but it would feel like the conversation who supposedly was for me to open up, became only about them and my struggles were ignored. I told them, they kept on doing that. I felt extremely misunderstood, so much that I had to ask them to "just say: sorry you feel this way." But that wasn't what I needed, I needed someone there who would ask me about my struggles and at least pretend they cared.

So I drifted away. I closed myself up. All of this just felt that they were trying to prove to me and themself how much of an edgy, dark lord, lack of caring they are. So fine, you can be that if you like, but I will not want to be emotionally close to you if everytime I open up, I feel dismissed.

"But are you angry that they did the thing YOU told them to do?"

No!! I sucked it up, and I kept going, because that's what I do. I simply drifted away, and then I was sent an audio crying about how I wasn't there for them, see the paradox? They could be dismissive and cold but if I did that I was a bad friend. What also hurts me is that they did all of that in a desperate attempt to show their new personality.

"Why didn't you just told them their behavior was hurting you?"

Because then they would use that to act even more dismissive with the excuse that it was their personality now. Even with this whooole situation they twisted things so they would sound like such a coooold person. If I close myself up because of them? Then suddenly I was bad who was emotional unavalable. If they did that? "Wow im so cold and cool being dismissive of his feelings on purpose so I can prove that I'm indeed, just like Wednesday Addams."

That's pathetic!

_22:01

When I write about this sort of things, I feel like I always need to drift the focus from what I feel to someone else that I can get angry for making mistakes. I resent them so I can slash all my anger in them when I'm feeling upset. This is not good, but it's good I noticed that. It feels so hard to heal from things when I live in the same place that made me develop these coping mechanisms.