#like obviously nobody wants to see one of their favourite fictional characters go out like that

[laesas]

Hey I hate daemi as much as the best of them but let's maybe be a bit mindful in our outrage when talking about characters with suicidal thoughts and not frame it as "Macau wouldn't be so selfish" "his brother's love should have been enough to keep him alive" "Why didn't Vegas do more to save him" etc.

Critique the plot point choice all you like, it's perfectly valid to say "it's upsetting" "it's messed up" "I'm sad and angry that they didn't give this character a chance to heal" even "I'm sad because this character had loads of cool potential and it feels wasted for shock value" but I think within that it's important to make sure we aren't framing suicide as "selfish" and the friends and family of victims as "not doing enough".

[hnbka]

Obviously that’s not all Will is but the normal ones of us don’t like messy cringy storylines involving siblings dating the same person it’s like what you’d find on porn trash then again females love the mlm so it’s probably their favourite searches

hey okay wow. this is wild to see. firstly, i dont know what you mean by normal and i dont think i want to find out. and i have seen many posts refer to will as el's brother, while using el and mike for the other two characters. even if theyre fictional, it kinda reflects how little human decency have if you cant even just say, el, mike and will.

and yeah, if you think the sibling thing is messy and cringy, sure, yeah, i'm not a fan of love triangles or sibling love triangles either, but i dont think the almost 1 million people rooting for byler (going off just tumblr numbers lol) are doing it because they want a messy cringey ending, but because they A) like byler together and B) want a satisfying endingn to the show, not for the reasons you stated. i mean, look at the context of the show, mike getting together with will would not be some teen drama style plotline, and nobody wants that

also, please be more considerate of what you ask me-- i will not put my age out on this app, but i do not think what you are saying to me is at all appropriate.

lastly, the fact that you went out of your way to check what my pronouns are on my page says a lot. it's such a nice thing to be able to have my pronouns out on tumblr, and for you to take that and use it against me is insanely rude.

oh! and! my post was the most unserious little silly post ever, so if you didnt like it, just keep scrolling. dont go to my page and send me hate asks or check my goddamn pronouns. it was just made to amuse some fellow bylers, not make anybody mad. i took some time to address this one, but i will not be interacting if i get any other hate asks.

[inspiteallthedanger]

Hello! Sorry to bother you, but I’ve been meaning to ask you about your thoughts on Fool on the Hill? Because knowing what we know now, it seems to me it was written by Paul about Paul and I’ve been dying to know your thoughts on it. Thanks!

Hello! And never a bother at all. This is actually one of my favourite Paul songs, although I've never really sat down and considered why before. I think because it's typically beautiful but, under that, there's something a bit sinister about it. Some very classic Paul misdirects going on all over the place with this song.

John liked this one, he appreciated the lyrics which is very high praise for him. Also, I really feel that this is Paul's answer to Nowhere Man. They feel of a piece. Maybe those guys could be besties. And talking of which...

Who is the Fool?

So, Paul said it was based on their favourite designers (The Fool) who got their name from the tarot card of the same name. He likened the character to the Maharishi i.e. someone that people call a fool but actually he's much smarter than he's given credit for.

However, he's also said that it's him. Apparently it's a card he'd pull often when getting his cards read and at first he found that upsetting but came to embrace it for essentially the reasons above. This does seem to be the sort of character he's cast himself in (see Give My Regards) which makes sense after the mess of The Beatles' break up.

I find that an interesting take, and makes me look at the lyrics a little differently. Because it's either case normal for Paul in that he's writing a story about someone fictional or he's looking at how he's often viewed and reflecting on that.

The man of a thousand voices Talking perfectly loud

This seems very Paul to me. His ability to sing like anyone and he thinks that he's making sense. But, strangely, his meaning seems to get lost along the way.

And nobody seems to like him They can tell what he wants to do And he never shows his feelings

Now, here's some raw ass lyrics if we think it's about Paul. This is during MMT and he's possibly having a rough time with trying to take over getting the band to do things in the wake of Brian's death. So, he's getting stick because he's taking charge, but he's never going to let people know that they're hurting him. Hmm. Bloody hell Paul. "The nobody seems to like him" breaks my heart, actually.

By the by, this does lead me to wonder more about Paul's comment that he went to India because he was at the end of his rope and really burnt out. Which seems very un-Paul-like but if this is how he's feeling in the months leading up to it, that does make a certain amount of sense.

Talking of remarkably Paul-like things to say:

He never listens to them He knows that they're the fools They don't like him

This is the theme of the whole song and the subject of the chorus too, but it's spelled out much more bluntly here. Obviously this is how Paul responds to criticism so it really does lead credence to this being about him. But, even if that's not his intent when writing it, I would imagine he's doing rather a lot of projecting.

So, it's either remarkably self-reflective for Paul, or... it's the other thing he seems to do which is just say things out loud that turn out to be remarkably true. Like in GB where he predicts how Yoko will fit into the break-up narrative.

Anyway, this is great and also really sad and actually explains a lot about Paul and why his relationships tend to go badly.

Thanks for asking about this, and I hope you enjoyed. Let me know your thoughts too!

[thecelestialchapters]

Wildcard By Marie Lu

General review:

Rating: 8 hacks

Short review: For a good portion of the book I had thought that it would have been better if I had stuck to just Warcross and let my imagination bring the end but towards the latter part of Wildcard, I am very glad I read it. Writing a review for this book is very hard because the tiniest details I can give might spoil the book, which I don’t want in case someone hasn’t read it. It’s just so well written, okay? I’ll do my best. 

Some spoilers for Warcross because they are inevitable. I’ll do my best to not spoil much because literally nobody else has read these books and I don’t want to ruin it if someone decides to read it later on.

In-depth review:

After Warcross, I expected a lot from this book. And I wasn’t disappointed to most extents. My biggest fear from Wildcard was Emika turning into a major simp and she didn’t, thankfully. Do you know how easy it is to have the MC go all simpy and lovey-lovey over the dude they used to love? The whole “I can fix them!” trope, which is all over Wattpad. And things that are famous sell. So I am oh so glad Marie didn’t go that path and give us another character who has no personality trait other than being in love. And then their dominant love interest gives them undeserved power and then they go around having s*x 237867834327478 times a day and that’s the whole book. What do you mean I was supposed to review Wildcard and not diss Rhysand?

Warcross had ended with all the ties loose so I was more or less forced to read Wildcard, and that’s literally the only complaint I have as a reader. My CS nerd self might have a few, but those aren’t relevant here. We assume the logic provided is universal in fantasy books.

The plot continued from the last book, obviously, but it was far, far more convoluted. Multiple plot points were in action at once and they all worked simultaneously. One supported another, and they both pushed the final goal further. As the book itself says, Warcross was just games. Wildcard has brought the characters to life-or-death situations outside the virtual reality. Assassins, mafia, dark world organisations, everything.

Kinda triggering stuff ahead. Skip the next para if you’re not in the mood.

I was first interested in Marie Lu’s works because I was told the Legend series was very dark. And from personal experience, once you start making your stories dark, there’s no going back. And I could really see in Wildcard. Except for Zero’s part, most other F-ed up things were written vaguely, but they were there. Be it su*cides, literal m*rders, kidnapping, or complete erasure of a person’s humanity. And those things aren’t completely fictional. We live in a world where it is all possible and still happens.

One thing about Marie’s writing that I liked the most is that she knows her sh*t. She knows what questions the scenes would create in readers’ minds and she knows how to answer them, too. My dumb brain loves finding mistakes and each mistake was solved in the book itself sooner or later. And obviously, she has some plotting skills. I mean just read the books, you’ll find out.

The circle that we came along with Hideo creating Warcross as a cope and then the same thing being used by his enemies and all that was actually genius. I can’t say much without spoiling.  Just. Read. The. Book.

Characters:

I know this is unlike my usual self but I won’t be going too deep into the characters for two main reasons: 1) They are the same as Warcross, which I have done once. I just have to talk about their development. 2) Spoilers. Me saying anything about the new characters is bound to spoil the book in one way or another.

Just know that Jax and Jinx look the same in my head and nobody can take that away from me.

Emika Chen:

Like I have said before, Emika is one of my favourite characters ever. And it stayed the same after Wildcard, too. Still the same intelligent, courageous, critical thinking, ingenious bounty hunter we met in Warcross. With a few extra skills in hacking, I might add, although the code block was given to her by…. Can’t even say that. See? This is what I mean. Can’t say one thing without giving away major spoilers.

The biggest development I saw in Emika was teamwork. She learned how to work with her friends, which was one of her biggest challenges in the previous book. And thankfully, her friends were trustworthy. I would have rioted if she were to go against anyone in the Phoenix Riders.

I’d like to take a moment and appreciate how bloody mentally strong this woman is. No, seriously, put yourself in her place. Betrayals, twists, and turns from all eight sides. Do you think you could have survived it? Apne exams to jheli nai jaate, bade aaye heartbreaks aur betrayals jhelne vaale. /j.

Hideo Tanaka:

Daddy? Sorry. Daddy? Sorry. Daddy? Sorry.

This guy is actually worthy of Emika Chen, and that’s saying a lot. Of course, he’s the genius who made Warcross at an age I was dumb as sh*t but we got more humane sides of Hideo instead of the idealised version people saw in Warcross. And I must say, I like him better that way. Making a character overpowered and a God is easy, making them a person is very, very hard. GG, Ms Lu.

Mild spoilers but this dude kicked a metallic killing machine? Multiple times? Damn, man. I am free this Valentine’s day in case… ahem, we are getting distracted. I was talking about his human side. We got his emotionally scarred (and scared) side, his anger, his sorrow, his true ambitions, everything. Despite everything, he’s just a kid. A kid who lost the thing he loved the most.

Hammie and Asher were almost the same so we’re skipping over them.

Roshan Ahmadi:

I realised how underappreciated this dude was in my previous review and this is my attempt at fixing it. While Asher’s the captain and Hammie and Emika are the ones that bind the team together, Roshan is their protector. Out of everyone, he is the one that is the most concerned about Emika’s safety. He’s the one that jumps in to save someone, quite literally if you count his shields. Roshan is the one that sees everyone’s backs when they are running forward.

In short, all I am saying is that Roshan Ahmadi is the friend that will stay behind if your laces are loose. He is the friend who will call you to make sure you have reached back home safely. And we love Roshan Ahmadi in this household.

Might as well add his humbleness despite his family being super-rich and super-powerful. It wasn’t entirely necessary, but Marie did write about the class difference between him and Tremaine in Wildcard. The prejudice rich people have against poor people.

Conclusion:

I know the review is shorter and less detailed than usual, and I am sorry for it. I’ll do better next time.

[lassieposting]

Hi i havent read the books post-resurrection so im kinda lost on why you dont like phase 2 val? She was easily one of my favourite characters ever, she was flawed (and the books took time to acknowledge them) and relatable and still really admirable (intelligent, brave, loyal) and i really liked her and really appreciated that she wasn’t perfect unlike every other young adult heroines. What went wrong😢😢😢😢

Okay I'm gonna put this under a cut because I very strongly dislike phase 2 val and I know it bugs people who don't feel the same, so. Dead dove dont eat

Okay so first off, phase 1 val and phase 2 val are completely different people. literally. phase 1 val was based on an ex-friend of lardo's who used to apparently be involved pretty heavily in like, editing the books and "she'd react like this" or "val wouldn't say that", and that val she was one of my favourite fictional characters from when book one came out to the release of resurrection. phase 2 val is based on his whiny little girlfriend who likes to start shit with 14yos on twitter, and you can absolutely tell she is no longer the same person. so the long story short of "what went wrong" is "the original irl val's friendship with dirty laundry ended for whatever reason and he decided to retcon her entire personality to suit his gf"

Phase 2 Val, in my opinion:

Weak, like won't even fight back when she gets jumped bc boo fucking hoo she's so awful, bitch get up already, nobody signed up for ur pity party

Whiny. So fucking whiny. All the time. And she's the POV character so it's inescapable.

"Pacifist" but in a really pathetic virtue-signalling kind of way like "Oh, I've done such terrible thiiiiiiiiiiings I'm so awfulllllllllllll look how good I'm trying to be nowwwwwwww pay attention to meeeeeeee" kind of way, it was both boring and a massive eye roll. It's a book about magic and asskicking. Kick some ass. We're here for escapism not "realistic" whining. Yes, irl she'd be a mess. As an author it's his job to strike a balance between the "realism" he wants to portray and making his readers so depressed and done with his heroine that they quit reading, and in my case, he absolutely failed.

Everything must be about her at all times. Skug is having personal problems? Fuck him, they're about her now. Everything is about how it affects her, and her feelings, and be damned to the person actually having the problem. Fucks phase 2 val cain gives about anyone except herself: 0

Bitter and jaded. Which yeah I get why but it's like jesus christ what do we get out of reading about this? It's not even good bitter and jaded where it makes you empathise or admire her strength in adversity or whatever, she's just become a really nasty person with no redeeming features that I could see. Which? Landy outright said she's based on his gf? If your boyfriend is gonna drag ur entire personality through the dirt like that and write "you" as just a collection of incredibly negative traits...yikes.

Really ungrateful about the awesome life she leads? Which bugs me bc I fucking hate mundanity and knowing that all there is to life is fucking working and bad mental health. I would kill to live her life. All she does is moan about it. Like? Quit then. Fuck off back to being a mortal if it's that bad and live the shitty life you wanted to get away from in the first place. That way we'd get no more books, and quite honestly, thank fuck for that. But anyway, she needs to pick one, stick with it, and stop complaining about whatever she chose.

The girl wallows in self pity. And if someone else isn't indulging her enough, she'll wallow harder and louder and more obviously. Yawn.

Her POV is now so depressing to read that Resurrection literally tanked my mental health. I'm not kidding. I fell off the self-harm wagon, the suicidal thoughts came back, reading her dissociating would make me dissociate, I just did not cope whatsoever. Being in her head was just like being in my head during my worst points, and I hate myself, so naturally, I hate her too. Like I get why some people like phase two val. I get that her depression is "realistic" and that trauma does just make some people completely dislikeable and self-pitying, and if people want to read about that, then...sure. you do you, my dudes. But I live that reality, I am that person whose trauma made her a dysfunctional, isolated bitch, and I hate, passionately, having it infest the media I consume to escape.

Essentially if I wanted to engage with a bitter, spiteful, depressed piece of shit in her 20s who pushes everyone away and sucks at everything, I'd live my gd life. Yall see me tryna engage with my real life? Hell nah I'm on tumblr dot com burying my head up the ass of whatever fandom will force my brain to produce some s e r o t o n i n and that is what I need this series for

Also? The dynamic she had with skug in phase one? "Until the end"? "You save me, I save you, that's how we work"? Forget that, it doesn't exist anymore. I stopped reading after Midnight, because she was written like he was a coworker she could barely tolerate. They went from "Lardo confirms on twitter that they talked on the phone a bunch while she was in america and he'd always ask her to come home" to "she comes home and proceeds to blank him for five months while she sits in her fuckin multimillionaire's mansion feeling sorry for herself". Their friendship completely disintegrated, they were totally separated for most of the book, she's written as not giving a single shit about him. She treated him like dirt, and their dynamic basically felt like it was becoming "Local Man With History Of Gravitating Towards Abusive Women Makes Same Terrible Choices For Fifth Time" and? that was the point of no return to me. he supports her unconditionally, no matter what he's going through at the time, he's walked on broken bones to try and get to her when she was in danger, she can tell him anything and he'd never use it against her. I did not, for one second in phase two, believe she felt the same about him. tbh it felt like she could - and wanted to - drop him at the first opportunity and not even feel bad about it, and that's not the dynamic that made me so emotionally attached to phase one. i signed up for "until the end", not whatever bullshit phase two has going on.

Apparently she's "less depressed" now and their relationship is "better" in the books published since midnight, which! might well be true. but I haven't read them and don't intend to, and she's gone from one of my favourite fictional characters ever (which! was impressive! because i almost never bond with the female lead - i normally get attached exclusively to the character i crush on, which would be skug here. val was the first female lead i actually cared about since xena! so im deeply salty about losing her!) to a character i? honestly prefer to pretend doesn't exist. i live in war era dead men/generals crackship land because that way, i don't have to acknowledge her or the fuckin character assassination phase 2 pulled on her.

so yeah, no hate towards phase one val at all. phase one val was awesome and flawed and gave me something to aspire to despite my shitty mental health and trauma, and if she'd kept her original personality she might still have been those things. but the original "real life" val is no longer involved (and doesn't talk to landy at all anymore, apparently), and the val based on landy's insufferable gf? i cannot get behind her at all ever, four for skug and none for phase two val cain bye

(tldr; you're not missing anything by quitting after spx)

[elyvorg]

Imagine if the students successfully “defeated” Monokuma in trial 5, and also that Kaito incidentally had about one more day to live as of that point in time. (This is the end result of my trial 5 AU, not that any of the story in that post is particularly relevant to the AU story I’m about to present here.) An anon suggested to me that, from here, the students could demand that Monokuma owes them a life – in other words, he has to nurse Kaito back to health for them.

I had my doubts over whether it’d be the right call to actually trust Monokuma with Kaito’s health in that situation… but then again, that’s the fun part. What if they did make the mistake of entrusting Kaito’s life to Monokuma? What cruel things could he do while still technically complying with their demands?

Here’s what I thought of: Monokuma “saves Kaito’s life” by making a huge Flashback Light full of Kaito’s backstory plus all his experiences throughout the killing game itself, and all those memories get shoved into a fresh body. This would create a new person who is essentially still Kaito and is also perfectly healthy. Ta-da, Kaito gets to live!

Meanwhile, Kaito – our Kaito, the one who actually went through the killing game with his friends – well, he’s not needed any more. So, completely unbeknownst to anyone else, Monokuma just leaves him somewhere to die.

Aaaaand my thoughts on this idea escalated rather a lot, to the point that there’s kind of a whole story here.

Kaito’s death

Kaito is taken to some empty room somewhere – I dunno, maybe there’s a bed in it to at least give a vague impression that it could be some kind of hospital room, but maybe not even that – and told to just wait for the nurses to come and see to him. So he waits, his suspicion growing, and it doesn’t take long for him to get the sinking realisation that nobody’s coming, are they. He goes to open the door to try and look for Monokuma and yell at him to stop screwing around and keep his goddamn end of the bargain, only to find it locked.

With a chilling dread, it hits him that this was all a trap – a really obvious one at that, one he literally walked right into like an absolute moron. Monokuma never had any plans to cure him at all.

He’s going to die here, in this room, completely and utterly alone.

Kaito wouldn’t just give up, of course. He’d furiously try to bust down the locked door keeping him trapped there, but… his body would be so weak by now that he wouldn’t stand a chance. He’d only end up hurting himself even more, and after a while he just wouldn’t have the strength to keep trying.

And he might have more or less resigned himself and been mentally prepared for the fact that he’s not surviving this illness – though losing that glimmer of a way out he’d almost thought he had really, really kind of sucks – but, this is worse than he thought it’d be. Up until now, he'd finally begun to feel some relief in that, even if he does still end up dying, at least he'll die something of a hero, surrounded by his friends. Not like this. He never wanted to die like this – pointlessly, uselessly, alone and forgotten like he never even mattered. He doesn’t even have anything to distract himself with or to do to feel like he’s making a difference in his final hours. There’s just nothing but waiting to die, the pain getting harder and harder to bear as he feels his body slowly tear itself apart.

This is probably the absolute cruellest possible way Kaito could die from his illness, so much worse than how it happens in canon. (And, damn it, he hasn't even been to space…!)

Kaito would have no idea what's happening outside of the room he dies in, so he might be able to console himself to some extent by thinking that, once he’s gone, when Shuichi and Maki never see him again and realise they were tricked, they’ll be furious and will fight to avenge him. (Or, perhaps there’s still a chance, if they realise that something’s up soon enough, that they might be able to come for him in time and somehow save him after all…? It’s such a long shot – his death feels so close, dammit – but they’re his heroes, they’re amazing, so maybe—!)

But in reality... they wouldn't even know. They’d just obliviously leave him there to die, because Kaito would be right there with them, cured like Monokuma promised.

Kaito’s survival

That’d be the second horrible part of this – but not because this new Kaito who meets up with Shuichi and Maki all “cured” would be like some hollow imitation who isn’t truly Kaito at all. No; that’s not how it works. Flashback Lights create real people.

While I said at the beginning of this post that the one who died alone was “our” Kaito, that wasn't really quite fair of me. The other Kaito who's here now deserves to be thought of in exactly the same way. He would be our Kaito too, one hundred percent. Much like how Alter Ego Gonta was another Gonta, this is another instance of Kaito, separate from the one who died, but still him.

On the one hand, the new Kaito could have been made from a clone of the original Kaito’s body, so that he looks completely identical and nothing seems amiss at first. But on the other hand, he could be in an entirely different body – which is the version I’d rather lean towards, because that’d make things get awkward and painful a lot more quickly.

(If you want something to picture him as looking like: because it makes sense that Team Danganronpa would have picked a body that looked kind of similar and still fit his character, I’m imagining one of Kaito’s beta designs. I went for the one with poofy hair and eyebrows to rival Taka’s, specifically because he doesn’t look too similar to our Kaito, yet he nonetheless still has a very dorky Kaito energy to him. Meanwhile, his clothes would presumably be exactly the same. That and, despite the poofy hair, Kaito would totally grab some hairspray at the earliest opportunity and attempt to style his new hair into his trademark spiky upwardsness, just to try and look and feel a bit more like his usual self. The result would be, uh… something. It’d be something, all right.)

Some time after taking Kaito away to be cured, then, Monokuma presents Kaito’s miraculous recovery, brazenly handwaving the new body by claiming that extensive plastic surgery was totally necessary to save him. Maki and Shuichi would initially be all “?????? don’t mess with us, how the FUCK do you expect us to believe that this is Kaito”. Except... it is. His face and voice are completely different, but everything about how his eyes light up when he sees them, and the way he talks, and how quietly hurt he seems when they question if it's really him - it's still absolutely Kaito. And he appears to be just as genuinely confused as they are by the different body once they point it out to him and show him to a mirror.

Maybe they'd also confirm it by asking him things that only the real Kaito would know – and he knows all of it. Not just knows it, he obviously feels it, too. After asking him his favourite spaceship and seeing him visibly restrain himself from launching into a huge excited ramble about why that spaceship is so cool (exactly like he didn’t restrain himself from doing last time)… they can't deny it's really him.

The last thing Kaito remembers is being led away by Monokuma, and then he woke up like this; he must have been unconscious for whatever the hell was done to him in between. He and his friends end up concluding that Monokuma must have saved his life by… transferring his consciousness into a new body? Which seems more possible than they might have imagined considering how the Virtual World worked, now that they think about it, so maybe they'd be able to accept that.

(Is transferring a consciousness like that actually possible in this universe, though? Or does the Virtual World computer just create a virtual copy of them from their memories while the original one sleeps, and then Flashback Light their virtual self’s new memories back into their real body when they log out? That’d mean the virtual person would have to be deleted afterwards. It’d be painless and they’d never remember it, but in a sense, it’d be killing them.)

Kaito himself is pretty chill with it once he’s got over the initial shock. Sure, it’ll take some getting used to looking like this – he’s gonna have to grow himself a new goatee, to say nothing of the hair – but still, he’ll take this over dying any day. (He’d almost forgotten what it felt like to not be in pain.)

It'd still be super awkward for Shuichi and Maki, though, trying to adjust to Kaito looking and sounding completely different on the surface, constantly reminding themselves that this face and this voice is still Kaito. The two of them – especially Maki, who has a harder time trusting people instinctively – wouldn't quite be able to shake off the nagging possibility this could be some kind of impostor aligned with Monokuma who's just really really good at acting like Kaito. Of course they'd want to believe in him, because a different body is still infinitely better than losing him, but it wouldn’t quite come naturally.

Kaito, being Kaito, would very much pick up on the signs that his sidekicks are still a little subconsciously suspicious of him. It’d sting, but he wouldn't bring it up. Kaito's always fine! Now that he's healthy again, he’s got absolutely nothing to worry about! …which is to say, he doesn't want to go admitting to his new worries, not when doing so would be giving them even more reasons to feel like he's not quite Kaito and secretly not really want him around.

Kaito’s existence

But just when Shuichi and Maki have started to really get used to Kaito’s new body and things are beginning to feel somewhat normal between them again, everything would come out during the equivalent of trial 6.

As Shuichi figures out what Flashback Lights really do and Tsumugi starts trying to make everyone despair over how “fictional” they all are, Kaito, because he’s Kaito, would be having none of her bullshit. (However, I’ll keep this part brief here since I’m hopefully going to do a regular trial-6-with-Kaito AU at some point that should really be the place I expand on this properly.)

Sure, learning that they’re “characters” created from fake memories when the killing game began is kind of a lot to take in, but it doesn’t change the reality of who they are right now. The only thing that matters is what they want to believe, and they obviously want to believe that they’re real, just like they always have! Hell, their pasts being fiction is great news in Maki Roll’s case – she never really killed anyone, and she’ll never have to!

And Tsumugi’s claims that nothing matters because it was all “fiction” for entertainment are even more bullshit. Their pasts may be made up, but the entire killing game really happened. All those people really died. Every bit of the pain and suffering they and their friends went through in it was absolutely real.

But as he’s saying this part, Tsumugi turns to Kaito with a scathing grin. “How would you know? You weren’t even there.”

Before anyone can question what she means by this, she turns on another video – and this one’s not an audition tape. There were Nanokumas in the room where the original Kaito died. His final hours were recorded, as proof that Kaito is dead.

They wouldn’t watch the entire thing – he was in there for something like twenty-four hours – but she could have put together a “highlights reel”, some of the moments where Kaito couldn’t help but express exactly how lost and scared and desperate he felt. And of course it’d culminate in the moment of his death, just to hammer it home and make sure they know that it’s far too late to save him.

As Shuichi and Maki are reeling in horror from the suffering Kaito went through and the fact that they let that happen to him, Tsumugi goes for the decisive blow. She explains how the new Kaito came to be here, calling him a “fake”, an “imitation” who “tricked” them while they left the real Kaito to die.

And… Kaito kind of starts to believe it.

…See, one of the reasons this scenario really grabbed my interest (other than the prospect of Kaito dying scared and helpless and alone while also not being gone from the story afterwards) was that until now I didn’t think it was possible to give Kaito existential issues. He just has too much conviction in who he is. Under regular trial 6 circumstances, the reveals about Flashback Lights and his backstory being fake memories would barely faze him at all.

His memories are fake and all those things in his past never really happened? Okay, so he’s kind of shaken to realise his grandparents and fellow astronaut trainees don’t exist – but in that case, if none of the people in his memories are real, then the only person those memories matter to is himself. And if he feels like they were real, they might as well have been, at least in terms of the person he is now because of them. Oh, but the person he is now isn’t real, because the “real” Kaito is that murder-happy asshole in the audition video? Well, no, that dumbass was just somebody else, duh. Maybe he had the same body and possibly even the same name, but that doesn’t matter. The real Kaito, the one and only Luminary of the Stars, is right here! That's who he wants to believe he is, so it's who he is, dammit. End of discussion.

But in this situation… the real Kaito was undeniably the one who died alone in that room. Not him. His memories might feel real, but he doesn’t have the right to feel like those events happened to him, not when the memories belong to somebody else – someone who actually experienced all those things, whose friends that he experienced it all with are right here. It’s like he’s just stealing those memories, stealing that identity, stealing Kaito’s entire life. That’s not fair.

He still wants to be Kaito; he’s never gonna want to be anyone else, but… there’s no way he deserves to decide that, does he? Not when the real Kaito died, and Kaito’s sidekicks are still here and grieving for him. Knowing that, and with Maki Roll and Shuichi giving him these hurt, horrified looks that say You're not Kaito… maybe he really isn't.

(But Kaito is the only person he wants to or even knows how to be. So if he's not Kaito, then… who the hell even is he?)

Kaito’s friends

With Kaito stunned into speechlessness, and Shuichi and Maki shaken from the undeniable demonstration of how easy it is to just fake an entire person, leaving them also questioning how real they really are despite Kaito’s earlier efforts, it seems like Tsumugi’s succeeded in making everyone despair.

(at this point Keebo is supposed to barge in with his hope nonsense, but hey, how about we don’t have that clogging this up when I’m trying to tell an interesting story here)

But after a little while of none of the others having it in themselves to protest Tsumugi’s claims, Kaito (or, well, someone who once mistakenly went by that name; it doesn’t matter now) speaks up – hesitantly, because he still isn’t sure he really deserves to. “Hey, c’mon, Shuichi… This isn’t like you. You can’t just give up like this.”

(He resists the instinct to add, “You’re my sidekick,” because no, he’s not.)

It doesn’t matter about him, but Shuichi’s still absolutely real. He’s Shuichi Saihara, the Ultimate Detective who’s gonna save everyone, right? Never mind what Tsumugi says – that’s who he wants to be, who he’s always been trying so hard to be, so that’s who he is. And if that’s the case, then he can’t let something like this get him down!

“I guess this doesn’t mean much coming from me, but… I believe in you. For real.”

Shuichi stares at him in dawning realisation. This is… exactly the kind of thing Kaito would say to encourage him at a time like this. Especially the way he’s selflessly helping someone else even though he’s the one who’s got to be suffering the most right now. He… really is Kaito, isn’t he?

Kaito doesn’t meet his eye, muttering that that’s not really for him to decide. But… if Shuichi and Maki Roll want him to be Kaito, then – he glances at Shuichi hopefully – then maybe…?

Shuichi firmly tells him that no, that’s wrong. Kaito was just asserting that Shuichi and Maki and everyone else here get to decide who they want to be, so why should it be any different for him? If he wants to be Kaito, then Shuichi’s with him all the way. And Maki feels the same, right?

Maki puts in, slowly, like she’s still figuring this out as she speaks, that she’s been thinking hard about things since he pointed out that this means she never really killed anyone. It’s true that it’s a relief to know that nobody ever died because of her, but… she still feels like she killed all those people. It still hurts, because all of those memories feel real to her.  So in that sense, it’s like she might as well have actually gone through all that hell.

Then… it must be the same for him, right? Even if it wasn’t really him who trained with them and supported them, he feels like it was, doesn’t he? So… he might as well be the same Kaito. If her feelings matter even if they came from fake memories, then so do his.

Hearing both their words to him, Kaito’s face gradually lights up into a huge, somewhat desperate grin. Of course he wants to be Kaito; there’s nobody else he’d rather be! And, Shuichi and Maki Roll, they… they still wanna be his sidekicks, right?

Of course they do. Shuichi and Maki were pretty shaken by the initial shock of seeing Kaito’s death and realising where the Kaito standing in front of them came from, to the point that their kneejerk reactions in that moment might have made him feel like they didn’t see him as Kaito or want him around. But having a little bit of time to process it and reflect on it, and seeing how badly Kaito was hurting from thinking this is how they feel about him… there’s no way that’d be what they settle on. They’re his friends – and they can’t bear to lose him twice.

Maybe they messed up in the sense that they let Kaito die on his end, but they also simultaneously didn't lose Kaito on their end. This person who's here for them right now is still him, and none of what happened to the other Kaito is his fault. How could they just throw away this second chance? They’re still going to need Kaito’s support – and this Kaito needs them, too, more than ever. It’s awful that they failed Kaito once, but they can at least make sure to never fail him again.

(Kaito tells them firmly that no, they didn’t fail him. There’s no way Kaito would have ever thought that, no matter how afraid he was at the end.)

Epilogue

After escaping and settling into the outside world, as the survivors put together a gravesite for the friends from their game who didn't make it, they make sure there's a grave there for Kaito as well. Kaito, Shuichi and Maki visit it from time to time. It only seems right to do so.

The other Kaito, the one who died scared and alone, would have been happy to know that this’d be how it ended, Kaito reflects: to know that he still gets to live on, in a way, and keep being there for his sidekicks. That he didn't just die useless and forgotten. He's certain of it - because he's Kaito, too.

  [part 2 to this post - because I had another fun idea that branches off partway through this one - here!]

[welcome-to-the-gay-bar]

So I we started to watch Attack on Titan again after many years and I’ve just finished season two and before starting season three I wanted to take a trip down memory lane and look at all my old favourite AOT fan fictions from 2014 (and see what’s popular nowadays that I may have missed, since wow, a lot has changed since I was last present in this fandom and compared to what’s happening in the current episodes season one was tame).

I’ve noticed a huge divide between fanon and canon and I kinda wanted to ruminate on this a bit.

Eren’s character in the show isn’t my favourite. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still fond of this brash idiot, but he’ll never be my favourite. He falls into this shonen protagonist trope of being hot headed and ill tempered. He doesn’t take advice, he’s not going to listen to plans or authority, he always thinks he’s right and only follows his moral compass, and to tie it all up he’s not even that strong. He can’t back up the threats that he’s laying down and yet he always rushes into situations with fists flying and never thanks or appreciates the characters (Mikasa) that get him out of those tricky situations. The only way to get through to him is to physically beat him down and even then it may not work if he hadn’t already somewhat respected you (Mikasa again). This character type is seen so often in shonen and I’m really not a fan, I like the cool and calculating protagonist better. Someone who has the power behind their threats and doesn’t rush into situations. Again, I like Eren, but I think it’s the other characters in the show that balance him out and the plot itself that makes me like Attack on Titan.

Compare this to fanon where his default character is happy ray of sunshine who’s a little bit naive. It’s a rather jarring comparison but I also don’t necessarily dislike it either. To me canon and fanon characteristics are almost completely seperate. If I had to always think a d compare fan fiction to canon I probably couldn’t read it. I read about happy fanon Eren and see canon angry Eren and to me they are two completely different characters - two completely different people even. If I had to read fan fiction about canon Eren I can 1000000% say that I just wouldn’t. I couldn’t. I’d be totally bored. As I said before, I like Eren but it’s the people around him and the plot itself that makes him bearable. I can watch a show about him because it takes less time and emotional energy, but I couldn’t invest in reading a book about him (which is why I haven’t read the manga either).

This isn’t even exclusively towards Attack on Titan. Back in my Teen Wolf phase I noticed how different canon and fanon characters were. Small secret - I was knee deep in the Teen Wolf fandom before I realised that I hadn’t actually watched an episode of Teen Wolf. One of my mutual’s reblogged TW artwork that was linked to a story and from that I never looked back. When I actually did get around to watching TW I can honestly say I was more than a wee bit disillusioned. Derek and Stiles are obviously not the main characters and I was prepared for that, but then they barely interacted, and when they did interact it was nothing like what I had read about - nothing like what their fanon characters or interactions were like. I can honestly say that I never made it past the first season - the show just wasn’t for me - but I was still thoroughly invested in the fandom for another year or two.

Something about fanon Sterek dynamics just did it for me, their characters and relationship was just so on point for what I wanted, and this is kind of when I came to accept that canon and fanon can be so different that it almost feels as if it’s two pieces of completely different media. I mean, fanon has its own set of rules, it’s own character tropes and story arcs that even completely different authors with completely different stories somewhat instinctively know to follow. I think that’s amazing, but it’s also a double edged sword. See these first two examples were of shows that I A) never watched/finished before reading fan fiction, B) don’t necessarily love love the characters in canon. That means that fanon is more appealing because it takes something I don’t care too strongly for and changes it to something more appealing. But what about when fanon takes something I love and cherish and remoulds it?

I want to briefly take this time to talk about something I’ve dubbed “the twink affect”. When you take a character that’s originally strong willed, self sufficient, and somewhat masculine and you pair the, up with someone EVEN MORE strong willed, self sufficient, and masculine - the “Alpha male” of characters if you will. I find that fanon is incapable of seeing two strong men together in a relationship and will eventually slowly twinkify one of them. Make them smaller, softer, lonelier, less self sufficient and more reliant on others, they need to be taken care of, they’re now a ball of sunshine that’s radiant and joyful, they’re cotton candy that melts on your tongue. You put them next to the pairing you ship them with and instead of seeing two strong men you see a bear and a twink. That’s definitely what’s happened to the two characters/pairings mentioned before and I honestly didn’t mind because I wasn’t protective of the source material, but when it does happen to a character I love it’s the most frustrating thing in the world, and I can’t even complain because I’ve already reaped the benefits from other fandoms. (I am going to complain though, this is my blog and I can do what I want mum.)

I’m going to talk about Mo Dao Zu Shi. Beautiful story that I love in (almost) all its various adaptations, but I’ve noticed the ever slow changing of fanon’s Wei Wuxian. For anyone reading this that hasn’t read MDZS (or if anyone’s reading this at all, I am expecting to just be shouting into the void at this point) Wei Wuxian dies - not a spoiler, it happens at the very beginning of the story - and comes back to life in the body of Mo Xuanyu. Mo Xuanyu is small malnourished and twinky - he even canonically wears makeup (or at least has it in his possession, I’m getting the various adaptations confused and I can’t remember if in canon Wei Wuxian woke up in Mo Xuanyu’s body already wearing the makeup or if he just finds the tin of makeup in Mo Xuanyu’s possessions). Wei Wuxian’s character is also a bit of a tease, and now he’s alive and unburdened by the past he’s much freer now than he was in the past, couple that with the fact that he’s pretending to be Mo Xuanyu (a character who is rumoured to be gay and also a bit insane) he goes all out in pretending to be a shameless flirt, and it’s honestly hilarious, I love his character. So in a sense he has all the makings of a canon twink and I’m really not here to shame on those who portray him that way while he’s in Mo Xuanyu’s body.

My personal issue is with the same extreme twink portrayal while he’s in his original body. In his original body Wei Wuxian is BUFF. He’s hunky, he’s in the top five most eligible bachelors, he’s *car honks* woof woof bark bark *whistles* puurrrr, he’s one of the most powerful cultivators of his generation, he’s a genius too. He’s hunky. He still has the cheeky shameless character, but when you compare him to the male lead Lan Wangji, they’re about the same size and strength. My favourite type of fan fiction in MDZS is fix it/everybody lives nobody dies/no war/etc etc. Basically stories where Wei Wuxian keeps his original body. The fanon twink portrayal of him being so small and soft and weak while in canon he’s one of the strongest and smartest urks me in ways I can’t explain. It’s not what I want, not what I’m looking for. I love him for who he is in canon and to see his character so distorted by fans of the original work is frustrating. I just want to read about Wei Wuxian as a jock with his equally buff and tall nerd boyfriend.

I want to pause here and say that I have nothing against authors that write him in a twinky way, I respect your work and your characters (and as I said before I’ve reaped the benefits of other fandoms twinky character portrayals numerous times), if I read a fic that I’m not happy with the characterisation I just close the tab and move on so absolutely no hate to anyone who enjoys this character type. I’m just ruminating on the fact that I’ve been seeing it happen more and more often lately to the point where I’ve kind of bounced the fandom and am sticking to other works like Scum Villain that haven’t yet twinkified too much (there will always be one or two stories in every fandom that twinkify and honestly? I respect that. Authors said twink rights ONLY, good for them).

Mo Dao Zu Shi isn’t the only fandom I’ve been in that I’ve negatively reacted to fanon. Another one would be Batman (I love Tim with all my heart and I love him getting treated nicely but damn I sometimes wish people would remember how freaking strong and amazing he is too), 2Ha is another I’ve started to see “twinkified” (although I don’t mind seeing Chu Wanning being soft and taken care of, he is canonically called handsome and masculine and he’s quite tall too), I’ve even seen the canonically “top” character (and that seems so weird to write oml) be twinkified by fandom because they want to see him get bottomed for ~equal rights~ because apparently bottoming is seen as a “woman’s position” to them and they’re trying to be woke by switching the sexual positions up but failing to see how misogynistic and homophobic that take is (imma stop myself here because that a WHOLE ‘nother can or worms to be opened right there).

What I’m trying to say is fanon is a double edged sword and I’ve definitely enjoyed some and hated some. I think it’s important to seperate the two. I do think it’s annoying for fandoms to be flooded with mischaracterisation when you actually do like the original characters and I wish there was some way to seperate fandom into “actual canon fans” and “fans of fanon”, but I don’t have a solution and I’ve definitely contributed to the problem in the past so for that I’m sorry.

I don’t know how to end this long ass rant, I don’t know what the goal was in writing this, but taadaa ~ here’s my exceptionally long take on fanon.

[cleverhologramchild]

I remember some times ago, I didnt understand why everyone would ship fictional characters together when there was no ground to do so. I was always someone who favoured friendship over love, and I didn't understand everyone's obsession to make everyone date each other. Especially when the ship was obviously going to be toxic! I always thought "What the hell is wrong with people". I didn't care about the sexuality of the ship, for me, all of them were weird.

And then I understood that the problem wasn't them, but me. Growing up in a very conservative family, my version of love wasn't the same as everyone else and mostly, it did not satisfy me. Watching my parents, love and being in a romantic relationship meant sacrificing who you were, always comprimising for something less, fights, manipulation, and some kind of resentment for your partner that will grow with time.

I thought that love would just tie you down and you'll be forced to just do what everyone was expecting you to do. Especially if you were a woman. Everytime I did something wrong my mother would say "Nobody will love you if you don't change." "No one would want to marry you if you are so stubborn.", "Is this how you are going to act with your husband or with your family in law?", "If you can't do this or that, how will you be in your future house?".

When I was 16 years old, my father even told my mother that he was "worried for me" because I knew only how to cook simple meals and no husband would like me like that.

When I entered college, my mother would get angry at me when I would help less around the house because I had homeworks and assignments, she would tell me "What would you do when you have a job, are you going to leave your husband and children do the housework?" And we would get into huge fights when I would tell her that I expected my future husband to help me with chores.

So for me, love was just being at the service of someone else.

This idea only got stronger during highschool, when all my friends would date and ve used by some jackass who would leave them heartbroken.

So yeah, love wasn't for me. I didn't see my future husband as a partner but as someone that needed to be in my life for me to stop my parents from nagging me.

Media didnt help either, we all know how homophobic and misogynistic main stream shows would be.

So only friendship made sense to me. You didnt have to change a lot to have friends, of course no toxicity allowed but that is just being a decent human being. People would like for who you are, sometimes what you had to offer to them but thar could be anything: support, an attentive ear (although it was hard with my adhd), some fun times, sometimes you would have to go out of your way to help them but rarely because you were expected to, it was because you, as a friend, wanted to.

So I was mad when some of my favourite character would get shipped together. Love would end up in pain or them kind of resenting each other.

And then I read some good fanfic lmao, and I understood that love wasn't to be ended in pain, or resentment.

That it was supposed to hurt sometimes, that there will be rough patches. But it was supposed to be people getting through them, together and growing to be better people together. It just meant living your own life but with someone by your side, and them living their own life but with you by their side.

Love was just like friendship, just a little bit deeper and a little bit stronger.

Being in a loving relationship didnt mean being husband and wife, it just meant being partners. And people would ship characters together because they would kin one character and love the other or because they would see the complimentary personality of the characters, or because they were both hot and hot people go well together.

Anyway, all of this to say fanfics made me understand a lot about love and how people perceived it. I still have a hard time seing myself fall in love, and trusting someone enough to be my partner but I understand it and little by little, I think I'm craving it?

In all conclusion, the way I grew up still helped me believe that I dont need no one to grow, that if being in a relationship meant that everything that made me "me" was going to disappear then I would rather stay alone, and this helps with toxic people.

So value yourself. Know that you don't need someone else's love to be someone great. Hell, even I do think that I'm worthless because no one is in love with me sometimes, but that doesnt mean it is true. You are worthy of love, you are allowed to be happy alone and with someone else. But you need to value yourself as an individual for you to be in a loving relationship. When you will value yourself, less men would be attracted to you (but I believe that more women/non binary people will), but you would be valued at the right amount when someone will come and if no one ever comes, you'll still be valuable and loved and cared for. Romantic relationship are just relationships, if you have other relations, you could be just as happy.

[cannot-decide-on-a-fandom]

I understand that it’s currently (well, it has been for a while, but still) fun and cool to make fun of Supernatural and treat it as if it was always just a stupid, mediocre at best show, but the reason why the entire thing going on with it sucks is that it really wasn’t.

I’m not saying it hasn’t done the things people are saying, like killing off every LGBT character and the one important disabled character over, at the time, 12 seasons (well, apart from Bobby, but he got cured, which is a whole other can of worms), had little diversity in terms of people of colour, because it has, and while I don’t think it’s inherently bad to kill minority characters, when you kill/mistreat all of them, that’s very different to “this one character died and he was gay”. I’m in no way denying the problematic writing of the show, and yeah, feel free to call the shitty writing in that aspect. Because that is shitty.

But Supernatural actually did have a lot to love. (this turned out longer than I expected, so I’ll put it under the cut, but please read it if at all interested, because I am curious what other people think. Also, this is based off of what I’ve seen, so our views of reactions might be a little different)

There are no finale spoilers in this, apart from “it was bad”

In terms of characters, I still love Cas with my entire heart, he is generally a well written and fascinating character (not flawlessly written, obviously, but still interestingly), and has a really cool opening role, season 4 still being among my favourites of the show. The characters were incredibly flawed which is actually a really cool thing to see because perfect characters take me out of the story, Sam and Dean were generally good protagonists to follow, I love Crowley and Jack, 2 of the other characters who were at some point listed as lead cast members, I didn’t even have the hate regarding Bela’s character or Ruby’s, there are some really interesting side and recurring characters too (Charlie, Kevin, Jo, Ellen, Bobby-all dead admittedly, which is definitely the frustrating and irritating thing), and they’re likable while still feeling relatively grounded, a surprise in a show about the supernatural.

As for the plot, I’m not gonna act like there were not bad storylines or badly executed ones. I don’t hate season 7 as much as others do, season 8 is my personal least favourite, but that entire season felt like filler for most of it, and to be honest I barely recall any episodes from s7. Plus the villains were probably the weakest (not strength wise, but writing wise) of the entire run. But every season up to season 5 had so much to care about and love, and while for me seasons 6-8 were not great, seasons 9-11 are all some of my most loved hours of TV (which I know is controversial, as people are so quick to say everything went bad after season 5, but I disagree with that too). Yes, the stakes may have escalated way too far and saying stuff like “ooh, God’s sister is the enemy” can seem ridiculous, I never once felt that they lacked heart and lacked a genuine desire to create. It really felt to me as if the people working on the show really did care and wanted to create and tell their stories.

The one off, meta, and special episodes are really fun and Supernatural has kind of become known for them. Things like Changing Channels, The French Mistake, Baby, Stuck in the Middle (With You) are all interesting concepts to apply to the show and whether you like all of them or not I think being able to have some unique or cool things up their sleeves even after a decade deserves props for at least trying (also, writing this now, I have a strong temptation to rewatch 12x12)

And one thing that I still genuinely commend Supernatural for (again, not that they did it perfectly, but I didn’t sense any malice from it) is that the show has encouraged its fans to explore what they want in their own writing and supported them in that. Some people may hate the meta stories, and that’s perfectly fine. But episodes like Fan Fiction were used as a thank you and an ode to the fans, not as a way to mock their interpretations. Dean explicitly says that his interpretation of the stories is not any less valuable than anybody else’s. The Real Ghostbusters did have Sam and Dean shocked at there being a Supernatural convention, but it was because anyone would be uncomfortable if their lives had cons around them, it wasn’t treated as if it was just wrong to be interested and love stories. I understand the issues with Becky’s character and yes, she was not a great example of a fan and I wish it wasn’t done in that way (especially one particular episode, which the show, ever so slightly to their credit, addressed in season 15), but I think that for the most part, the cast and crew recognise how much interpreting the story in your own way matters.

Supernatural wasn’t a shitty TV show that never deserved the success it had, it’s a show that was full of lovable characters, interesting concepts, some actually really good lines (even though it became most known for the memey, jokey lines like “I lost my shoe” I will die on the hill that there were so many thoughtful, deep, interesting lines of dialogue in the show. I am tempted to rewatch the show and make a list honestly because a lot of them I recall really stuck with me for a while and there were actual lessons, believe it or not, in them), actors doing their absolute best and mostly succeeding, a show that tried to do things outwith or a twist on their base genre, and over all a show with a lot of good in it.

The reason the way the season went is so frustrating is specifically because it wasn’t as bad as people like to claim. If it was always bad, yeah, people might be disappointed, but it wouldn’t be as big of a deal if it always sucked. It’s upsetting because throughout most of its run, Supernatural has shown that it is capable of creating interesting, enjoyable, emotional stories, and it’s show it can have interest, enjoyable, and emotional finales.

Of course it really fucked up with its representation throughout the whole show, nobody is denying that, and good. #TheySilencedYou/Us is important. It should exist, because it’s ridiculous how some of their characters were treated. They literally brought Eileen back for 30 seconds one time specifically to kill her, and that really annoyed me, among many other instances. But Supernatural did have a lot to love and a lot to care about, which is exactly why it pisses me, even as someone who hasn’t watched the show in years until this year, off that they threw away 15 years of character arcs, story writing, and 15 years of the positive things the show gave us to create a finale where it’s clear they did not give a crap as to what the fans or even their own cast members would be happy with.

So no, I don’t think Supernatural is a crappy show with bad writing that did not deserve to survive as long as it did. I think Supernatural had heart and love and passion put into it and through 15 years some stories were halfbaked and haphazard but it wasn’t just a bad program. Which is why what happened to it can fuck off, and why I feel bad for the fans, and also cast members who are dealing with a) letting go of their characters in a way that they’re unhappy with (eg-Jensen) and b) dealing with the backlash directed at them when they really aren’t the ones who should be dealing with the problems, because the writers should have known better (Misha)

(One last thing, I’m aware most fans aren’t cruel to the cast, this is a vocal minority, it doesn’t mean I don’t still feel bad for them)

[oddsnendsfanfics]

Unraveling at the Seams Pt 4

Genre: Fan Fiction Pairing: Alex Høgh Andersen/OFC, Henry Cavill/OFC Warnings: Language, Sexual Innuendo, Possible NSFW Rating: M Length: Multi Disclaimer: a strict work of fiction, I own nothing except the original characters and the plot line. In no way am I affiliated to any of it.  

A/N: so far this is my favourite part. Also thank you all for the feedback, it is massively appreciated 

thank you @flowers-in-your-hayr​​ for the header :D

Catch Up Here

The iPad was on its side, the stand holding it in position as Nell moved around the kitchen. She had an hour before meeting Alex, which may or may not have been giving her second thoughts and butterflies. Not the good kind. Why had she agreed to this? Why was she feeling stressed about this? What she wanted more than anything was someone to hug her and tell her that this would be fun. A night out, with somebody other than Ivan. It was a new experience and if she didn't have fun, she never had to go again.

A call from mom always helped, right?

“Where's Ivan?” Evelyn asked, her daughter had called her in the middle of her work day. At first she had assumed something was dire, when the nerves seized, the Stewart Matriarch relaxed.

“He's next door, Jordan and Sophie are letting him hang out there tonight.” Bridie had a family party and Nell was hell bent that she was not missing it, because of her plans to have a drink with Alex. Ivan would welcome the change of pace, Jordan would surely engage Ivan's imagination with his skills as an actor.

The last time Ivan had gone there for a few hours, Nell had returned to find Jordan and Marco had built a full on fort in the middle of the living room, they'd had makeshift costumes, an imaginary dragon, and some sort of new language. Ivan had a way of charming people into doing whatever it was he wanted. A dangerous power for an almost eight year old to wield. These were the sort of fantasy games Henry would go along with, creating whatever world his son wanted to live in for the moment. Jordan had happily gone along with it, no questions asked and Nell would remain grateful.

“Have you told him that Henry is coming to  visit?”

“No, why? Wait?” Nell turned to face the iPad. “How?”

“Henry told me.” Evelyn answered in a painfully obvious manner. Nell wrinkled her nose, her stunned look told her mother all she needed to know. “We talk almost weekly, you know. Just because it's rocky with the two of you, he's still the father of my only grandson.”

Nell's older brother Michael had two children, daughters. Her older sister, Michael's twin, Sadie also had a daughter. Ivan being the only boy took the title proudly.

“I'm glad Henry finds the time.” Nell snorted. Evelyn rolled her eyes and shook her head, avoiding a lecture, Nell derailed her mother. “I'm glad that he's comfortable talking to you.”

“You still talk with his family, do you not?”

“I suppose.” Nell accepted. “What else did he have to say?”

“He's busy working, he's excited to take some time off for Ivan, he's looking forward to seeing your brother next weekend. He said you didn't sign up?”

“I don't have time to run this year. I'll send a donation.” Nell shouldn't have been annoyed that he brother was running a marathon with her ex, yet she was. Less annoyed that Michael was doing a charity run and more annoyed that she hadn't been asked.

“Your father and I have sent ours. Other than that, there isn't much going on. Something about a new job in Hamburg? Hungary? Somewhere with an H in Europe.”

Nell frowned, Henry hadn't mentioned anything to her about a new job. Not that he had to, it was his right to take whatever jobs he wanted. In the past he had told her the second he was allowed to talk about them. Aside from his agent, Nell had been the first person to know that he'd been cast for Man of Steel, The Man from U.N.C.L.E, even the film nobody had ever heard of called The Cold Light of Day.

Again, Henry had a right not to tell her every detail of his left. Nell wasn't always forth coming with every detail in hers. Outside of Ivan, they didn't have to ever speak, if they chose that route.

Lord knows that there were many things that Nell never told Henry. Her date with Alex for example. She had spoke with Henry last evening, yet hadn't said a word about going out. A pang of guilt rose. Henry always told her when he'd gone out with somebody new, his reason was that – if this woman should become something more, he wanted Nell prepared as the woman he shared a child with. Transparency was the key to keeping their life mess free. Plus, it was better she heard it from him and not some trashy newspaper.

“Whatever it is, I'm sure he'll do well.”

“I'm sure he will. Did you remember to send that parcel? Tomorrow is his birthday.” Evelyn could remember Henry's birthday, yet had forgotten her Husband's birthday for the last three years.

“Yes, mom, I sent it two weeks ago. Ivan will call him tomorrow, talk to him, and then we probably won't hear from him until he gets here.”

“Why are you always like that, Nelly? He's trying. You know that he's trying and it's not easy, being...”

“Mom.” Nell was firm. She didn't need to listen to her mother explain everything she did wrong, when it came to Henry Cavill. “It's not that, it's...you know what, mom. I'm not doing this. Not tonight. I called, because I just needed to talk.”

“Okay, so let's talk. How is work?”

“That's the thing, you see, there's the guy at work who...” Nell paused, her doorbell ringing. “Shit. Mom, I have to go. That's Alex.”

“Alex? Male or female, Alex?” Evelyn smirked.

“Male. I will talk to you later, love you bye.” Nell hurried to turn off the call.

She didn't want to look desperate rushing to the door out of breath, nor did she want Alex standing there waiting. Taking a few calming breaths, she straightened herself out and coolly approached the door.

On the other side, Alex stood shaking like a leaf. He was probably sweating through his button down as well. Great! He was going to show up looking like a hot mess, asking a woman who already barely tolerated him to be seen in public with him.

This was a mistake! Why had he listened to Sophie?

“Alex, hey.” Nell opened the door in the nick of time. Alex had briefly thought of turning around and running away. Why did this woman do this to him? He'd never been intimidated by a woman before. “Come in, please.”

Stepping inside the first thing Alex noticed was the smell. An odd thing to notice, perhaps? It wasn't an unpleasant smell. The opposite, actually. The townhouse had a – homely smell. Warm and welcoming, fresh and light. It reminded him of summer and gingersnap cookies. Funny, summer and cookies is what Nell reminded him of.

“I brought you this, I didn't know what else to bring, but I wanted to give you something and here.” He held out the framed photo. It was the best way to begin, scared of what he'd say if he didn't lead with the gift.  “It's one of the photos I took, early on. I remembered it was your first solo design and...”

“Alex.” Nell cooed, gently taking the framed photo of Judith, played by Jennie Jacques in the lavish dress. “I don't know what to say. Obviously, thank you. I'm speechless. This is amazing.” She leaned in giving him a fast peck on the cheek.

The photo had to be one of the sweetest gifts she'd ever received from a guy, on a first date, not that Nell thought of this as a date.

“That dress is one of my favourite costumes.” Alex blushed. “I was in awe every time I saw it. You did amazing.” It was Nell's turn to blush. “And this is for Ivan. I thought he may like it.” He passed over a book of 1,001 Brain Teasers for Ages 8+.

“He's going to love this. Thank you.” Nell accepted the book, still lost in the beauty of the photo. Alex was talented with a camera, Nell had saw some of his other works and they blew her away every time.

“No problem, I loved things like that when I was his age. He's so smart.”

“Too smart.” In more than one way. Intellect was one thing, being smart ass was another. The boy had mastered both swimmingly. Nell dreaded the day he turned into a teenager. “Would you like a drink?” She stood holding the photo and book.

“I thought we were going out for a drink, but we can have one here. If you want. I don't mind.” Alex felt like a helpless fool. Damn it. Why was he such a blundering idiot tonight?

Oh right, because he was in over his head with a positively impressive and attractive woman. He'd dated attractive women before, most ended up being superficial.  A disappointment to say the very least. Nell was not going to disappoint. If either of them were a disappointment, it was Alex.

Damn it. He needed to be more confident. Marco had warned him about this. Not to let his doubt in or this would be a disaster of epic proportions.

“You know what,” Nell took a final look at the photo before setting it on the kitchen table, it would be safe until she arrived home. “Let's go for that drink. Should I call a car?”

“Please.” Alex nodded.

“I am going to call and grab my purse, feel free to make yourself comfortable.” Nell smiled, before disappearing.

She was hardly gone long enough for Alex to make himself at home, so to speak,  he didn't mind. If he was alone too long, his thoughts would get the best of him and this not-a-date-date would be over before they left the house.

Leaving the townhouse, Alex caught sight of the two shadows in the window across the courtyard. Nudging Nell, they both waved, laughing when Jordan and Ivan ducked disappearing from sight. They were having too much fun spying and Nell would hear about it in the morning. No doubt Alex would be teased as well.

Safely in the black taxi, Alex was being the perfect gentleman. Holding doors, helping Nell in an out of the car. He was doing what his mother would expect of him, nothing more. Being polite was costing him nothing and he enjoyed seeing Nell smile each time he did something chivalrous.

“I hope you don't mind, but I thought we could go somewhere a little more low key?” Nell watched the outside pass, the taxi navigating the streets effortlessly.

“I don't mind low key at all.” Alex replied casually watching Nell watch the outside world.

“It's a nice place, I promise.”

The driver was cordial when Alex slipped him his payment, insisting that he get it, after all it was his idea to come out. The least he could do was pay for their cabs, secretly he planned to grab the tab too, despite Nell telling him he really didn't have to get the cab and she would get the drinks.

Helping Nell from the car, Alex stood aside happy to follow wherever she led. Strolling down the street, Nell nudged her chin forward to indicate that this was their destination. A quiet bar front, if there was such a thing, with a small sign on the front advertising their establishment.

“Here we are.” Nell announced, bumping into Alex when they both reached for the door. “Sorry.” Her voice was a whisper when his hand found her lower back. Guiding her through the door, Alex's gaze was telling her more than his words could have.

“Shocking, but I don't think I have ever been here.” Alex glanced around the front entrance of the bar. He'd been to nearly every bar in Dublin and the surrounding area, but never this particular one.

“I used to come here, a lot, when I lived here before.” Nell led the way to the back of the building. Alex took note, it was certainly nicer and quieter than the other bars he frequented. A large bar in the front, which seemed to serve the larger part and in the back, where Nell had immediately bee lined, was a smaller area complete with a smaller bar.

“Cozy.” He noted pulling out the high bar chair for Nell to sit.

“It's nice. I like it here.” She slid onto the stool with ease. Catching the bar tender's attention. “Lagavulin, neat please.” Nell ordered without thought.

Alex took a beat to decide. “Ardberg, on the rocks with a twist, please.”

Nell grinned.

“What?”

“Nothing. I like that you just went for it. I enjoy when a guy knows what he wants.” Nell shrugged lightly.

“Laugh it up, I know the whole adding ice and all that ruins the flavour blah blah blah.” Alex took the teasing with grace. “I can't do it neat, bad things happen if I do for it straight up.”

“Oh, no. I have witnessed far worse than asking for ice.” Nell looked as though she was processing some sort of horrid memory. Alex waited, she would either tell him or move on. The bar tender slid their drinks to them, giving Nell a few seconds to decide on her story.

“Ivan's father was given a bottle of Chivas Regal once for a birthday present, my brother got the idea to mix it with chocolate milk. I have never saw something so disrespectful.” Nell cringed. Alex involuntarily made a disgusted face. Who mixed chocolate milk with scotch? Further more, why disrespect a perfectly good bottle that way.

“Was it even good?”

“By itself, I swear there were angels singing, whenever you took a sip. With the milk, I don't know. I contemplated disowning them both on the spot.��

“Blasphemy.” Alex smirked, taking a sip of his drink.

“But that's enough about Henry and Michael. I will add, they're lucky I still speak to them both.” Nell sipped her drink. Licking her lips, she sighed happily. It had been a while since she'd gone out for a proper drink. Pouring herself a glass here and there, after a long day wasn't the same as sharing a drink with somebody in a pub or a bar.

“I would say so.” Alex held his glass, “I will say a cheers to you and your forgiving ways. May Henry and Michael know how blessed they are.”

“Here, here!” Nell raised her glass, gently tapping it to Alex's. “This is nice.”

“Lagavulin, is one of the best you can get I mean...”

“No, no. Not the Lagavulin,” Nell blushed, her eyes casting down. “I meant having somebody to talk to, to share a drink with. It's been forever since I have left my house after 8pm, to do something other than work. I'm going to risk sounding like one of those people, but I am usually in bed by now.”

“Me too.”

“Really? Wow, when I was your age, I was never home on a Friday night.” Nell winced. “Sorry, I didn't mean...Oh fuck that came out wrong.”

Alex laughed at her earnest. “I know what you meant.”

“Sometimes my mind and mouth don't engage. My mother says it's one of my biggest downfalls. I'm working on it.” Nell passed it off playfully.

“My mom says my downfall is that I am too stubborn and I don't know when to give up.” Alex revealed.

Nell tried to hide her chuckle. “A lesson, between us, moms know their sons better than anyone.”

“I'll remember that.” Alex's smile was full of mischief. “Any other secret mom tips that you're allowed to reveal?”

“Uh,” Nell tapped her chin, “Mom's really do have eyes in the back of their head. They're the hardest working people on this planet, and we have an excellent bullshit detector.”

“All useful.” Alex played into it. Leaning closer, his eyes dropped to watch her lips as she spoke. Licking his lips, he took less than a breath to snap back. Nell wasn't the type you hit on just because. “And what else can you tell me? This time about you, not as a mom.”

“Oh.” Nell shifted in her seat, adjusting her skirt, smoothing it over her calves. “I have two siblings, they're twins. I hate cake, as you know.” She smirked. Alex nodded. “And I have never dated somebody younger than me. Now you.”

“I have a sister. I play guitar, not well,  it's a budding hobby. And I only ever date older women.” Alex shrugged, swirling his scotch in the glass, taking a drink. Smooth. What a way to sound like a moron.

He'd really felt this was going somewhere, until two seconds ago.

“Alex, so you know, I don't really think that this is going to go beyond tonight.” Nell's gaze fell uncomfortably. “I like your company, as a friend.”

That was a fair answer. Alex was a tiny bit disappointed, not that he had a right to be. He was lucky that Nell had agreed to come at all.

“Can I ask you something? If you are uncomfortable, don't bother. You can also tell me to fuck off, but why did you agree to come out with me?” He pushed his hair behind his ears, his eyes locked on hers. “I'm happy you did, but I don't understand. Maybe I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth.”

“Alex, it's not that I don't like you.” Nell felt the weight of the world suddenly on her shoulders for making him feel this way. “I think you're lovely. You are very kind and a great person.”

“But?” Alex knew it was coming. This kind of statement always had a but.

“But, it's complicated. I love working with you, but I know what happens next, because I've been there. So, if I stay guarded, you eventually go away, and nobody gets hurt.” Nell waved to the bartender, ordering another drink. This time a double.

Ordering another drink, Alex mustered up the courage to ask his next question. It lingered on his mind, but he'd never had the balls to come out with it. “Is it because of your ex?”

Nell accepted her new drink, draining half the glass in one gulp, before nodding. “And it's a stupid excuse. I know that.”

“No, I've heard worse.” Alex thanked the bar tender for his fresh drink. “You loved him? It had to have hurt when that ended. I get it.”

“We were together for almost three years.” Nell took the time to explain her behaviour a little. Alex had been the brunt of her rash and unfair treatment, all because of something that had absolutely nothing to do with him.

“So, it was serious?” Beyond having a son with the guy, of course. He didn't have to say it, Nell had figured out how to read between those lines.

“Not in the way I saw a future, but in the way that I knew we were comfortable.”

“You worked together?”

“We did. I mean, in a way. Yes. I was an intern.” Nell tipped the glass up to her lips. “We met while he was on The Tudors.” Nell shrugged picking at her drink napkin. “It's partly why I have this job. They loved what I was capable of and hired me back, when Janet had to leave.”

“I'm glad they hired you.” Alex offered, tipping his drink. “I don't plan on having a kid with you, but I am glad they hired you.” He smirked trying to break the tension.

“Happily I will accept that.” Nell smiled. “I didn't want to think about being married  or having a kid at 22, but you know.”

Alex could relate, he couldn't imagine being married. Or having a kid. Not right now. His life was going great and there was no need to complicate things. Not that he assumed Nell found Ivan a complication or a regret.

“I think it's pretty brave of you to raise Ivan, the way you have been.”

“It wasn't all me. His dad helps a lot.” Nell bit her bottom lip, she wasn't entirely alone. “We lived together for the first year after Ivan was born. Henry adores Ivan, you know.” She wanted to make that clear.

“I didn't doubt he would. I'm sorry if this feels like me prying, but why did you split?”

What kind of man would leave someone as fantastic as Nell? How stupid was he? Alex had to know. If she became uncomfortable she would tell him, surely. No, Alex was confident that Nell would tell him to shut up if he was going too far. If he left here alone, covered in scotch, then he had deserved it.

“It was too much, having a baby and trying to bolster a career. You know how it is, appearing to the public in one way, while living another. It was too much, he was gone all the time and I was alone anyway, so I moved back home.”

Fleeing London to take refuge in St. John's had only lasted a year. Nell loved being close to her parents and sister, but needed something more. She'd been used to the lifestyle in London and soon found herself heading back. Before too long, she was back in Britain, living there until getting the call to move back to Dublin.  

“Oh.” The word formed on Alex's lips without breath.

“It's complicated.”

In other words, Nell was often left angry with herself, over the situation. Blaming Henry had become easier, along the way, it was a go to when she needed it.

“Most relationships are.” Alex scoffed. “But we get back on the horse and keep trying. Isn't that what we're taught?”

“It's hard finding a guy who wants to date a woman, who has a kid.” Nell shrugged. She hadn't had much luck dating in the last few years. There had been one or two guys who had stayed around for a month, maybe two, then it always ended once they found someone better. “It's harder finding someone to date, once they find out your son's father is Superman.”

And that is how she knew she'd had possibly gone too far. Here they were now, might as well keep going. Get it all out on the table. This was the part where Nell over shared and Alex never spoke to her beyond tonight.

“Every man thinks he's Superman, at some point.” Alex laughed lightly. Seeing Nell in a new light, he couldn't imagine somebody not wanting to know her or Ivan. She was an excellent mom.

“No,” Nell's brow creased. “He's literally Superman.”

“I don't follow.” Alex's brow creased in confusion. How drunk was she?

“His father,” Nell swallowed the last of her drink. “My ex is legit Superman. Clark Kent, Man of Steel. Kal-El?   Henry Cavill is my ex.”

The look on Alex's face as he tried to piece all of this together was becoming comical. This was generally the part where the date would ask some stupid, mundane question and then leave. Or he would attempt to try and impress her with a pointless show of masculinity. Alex was going to be neither of those. She could tell with the way his face contorted and his eyes softened.

“I had no idea.” Surely he wasn't the only one to not know this. The man's name was Henry, it was the only detail he'd ever had to go on. Nell had met him working, okay? There were thousands of Henrys in the world.

“You didn't know?” Nell began to chuckle. “Seriously? I thought everybody at work knew. Ivan's last name is Cavill.”

“There are more than one family of Cavills in the world.” Alex defended his ignorance. Until right now, he had never heard anybody use Ivan's last name and had always assumed it was Stewart. “Henry Cavill.”

Alex mulled it over for a second, having to say the name to somehow make it real. “Hmm. Well, at least he's not some sort of crazed inmate, who is hell bent on revenge on any man who talks to you.” He smirked, side eyeing Nell. “He not crazed and hell bent on revenge, is he?”

“No, probably not. You can ask him, when he's here in a few weeks.” Nell waved the bar tender over to pay. “Although, I think you will be safe. Start running, he's big, but slow.”

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[sapphos-darlings]

I’m proud of my mother. She was born in the 50s into a conservative family, if you can consider them conservative in rural Finland in the 50s - the father brought in the food, the mother stayed home tending to a flood of kids never having the energy for all of them, leaving them often on their own to look after each other, hoping they’d all make it through the day but in the end, no one had the time to make sure. They were hunters and farmers, traditionally Christian as far as I can tell. The community they lived in had a lesbian couple that everyone knew about but nobody talked about; it was taboo and shameful. Being gay wasn’t right. My mum’s straight, too, so this was easy for her to internalize.

She became a mother late at at 37. I’m her only child. First, I was gnc. She wanted a daughter she could dress up pretty and pamper. I wanted nothing to do with dresses and my favourite way to pass the time was to climb trees and roll around in mud. My mum gave up on the dresses very fast. I played with wooden swords and bows that my dad and my neighbours built me. The neighbours told my parents I’d grow up to be a vegan feminist activist, in words that made sense for the time. Everyone knew I was strange.

My dad was mostly drunk and away from home, so my mum raised me much on her own. She never implied in any manner that what I was doing was wrong or improper or that I wasn’t good as I was. I had sleepovers with girls and boys all the way until early teenage, at which point we separated naturally. She once told me she was afraid what’d happen when I’d first have “boy troubles”. I never had boy troubles. She wasn’t prepared for the troubles I was going to have, though.

At 10 years old, we went to a concert together. I fell in love with the singer of the band and spent my next two years fawning over him. I think at this stage, everything was going as intended. I don’t think she even remembers this phase now, because last year, she asked me in all honesty if I’m a lesbian.

I’m not a lesbian, but you might not know that.

I was scared that I was when I turned 12 and found myself attracted to Avril Lavigne’s promo picture in a CD store. I got over my freakout in about ten minutes, but my attraction to women (not Lavigne) survived. At 14, I was involved in a weird relationship with a girl my age. I don’t remember much of it other than that I was very bad at playing relationship, and I feel guilty she left her girlfriend for that mess. At 15, I fell in love for the first time with a girl I’d love for the next decade, desperately, painfully. Between there somewhere, maybe at 13, my mum found me crying in a closet because my best friend had a crush on me and I was scared to tell her I didn’t want to be in a relationship with her. My mum stumbled over the word “boy” when she asked what “he” wanted of me. I know she knew then, but we never voiced it.

I met a crossdressing gay guy around that time. He went by the name Cherry and wore cybergoth outfits and makeup, and he turned 18 a couple weeks after I met him. My mum let me go to his birthday party and stay until 1am, and later go visit him in the capital on my own over multiple occasions, once personally meeting him and giving him a hug. He was wearing platform boots and hair extensions and probably fishnets on some part of his body. She loved him because he was like a big brother to me, and never questioned the way he presented himself or worried about him being a bad influence to me, because he made me happy and I felt safe and excited to be with him. I also had a major crush on him which I think everyone was well aware of, but it was a safe crush, because I was 13 and he was 18 and like a big brother to me, and I was a girl and he was gay and everyone knew that, too.

When I was 16 and we went on a vacation in Europe, I spent all of my time finding the means to talk to the girl I loved at all times. I racked up an insane phone bill and couldn’t care less about the Pride parade in Rome, because I would rather lock myself up in an overheated Internet shack that was no wider than our bathroom at home to talk to her for hours online. Then she met another girl and chose her to be her girlfriend, only to tell me years later she hadn’t chosen me because she was too afraid of losing me, which made no sense to me. I felt like my world had ended. I didn’t stop crying for weeks and I signed myself up in a hospital because I was afraid I’d kill myself over the heartbreak.

I think it was around that time I started going to Pride, too, but regularly only when I met my next girlfriend around 18. I was always scared to go to Pride, not because I was afraid of showing I was LGBT but because I was scared of being the target of an attack like a bombing or a shooting. One year, we were the target of a gas attack, but I didn’t even know that, because I was marching at a different section of the parade and only heard about it later in the news. I don’t know if my mum was aware we were dating then with this girl, but I think she did. I think at this stage she’d already settled on me being a lesbian, it was just unspoken between us. She’d once asked me, because I wrote fanfiction most of my teenage and I always showed it off to her because I was proud of what I was writing and it never occurred to me it might have been inappropriate or offensive that I was writing about gay relationships. She vehemently denied this for years, because according to her, she’d never spoken the word “lesbian” in her life, much less referring to me.

She did speak it, last year, though. I do believe she spoke it when I was a child, too, when she asked me if I was a lesbian. I know she did. I said I wasn’t, because I’m not, but I understand that the evidence stacked up against me. Obsession with same-sex media, Pride parades, girlfriends, girl crushes, heartbreaks over girls, never once a mention of a real boyfriend or any material boy crush aside from those I had to a few chosen celebrities, fictional characters and idols, all of whom were unattainable and never as strong and overwhelming as the love I so obviously felt for women - I don’t blame her for thinking I was a lesbian. I’m not sure if “bisexual” entered her vocabulary at any time before last year.

At 19, I came out to her as transgender. She said she didn’t understand but that she’d try her best and support me no matter what as long as I would be happy, and what I was doing was making me happier, as I was obviously unhappy and struggled with difficult mental health issues for most of my life. She accompanied me to my meetings at the gender clinic and spoke with my doctors and nurses to understand. She tried her best to remember my pronouns when speaking in English, and even though she failed and has always failed, she did learn to call me by my new name without a fault. She’s never regarded me as a man of any sort and that’s alright, because I had and have her support no matter what. So here we were for the main part of my 20s - she thought I was a lesbian and knew I’m transsexual.

It’s only these past two years we’ve really talked about any of this. That’s the size of the taboo she was raised with in terms of the LGBT matters. She might have asked me once if I was a lesbian before, but even to herself, she’s denied ever voicing that word. Last year, or a bit over, when I was 27 or 28, she finally did consciously voice the question over the phone: am I a lesbian?

No. But that was the first time I ever vocally came out as a bisexual. I’ve never hidden it, but I’ve never come out either. I’ve always just either “been” or left it unspoken. All my friends have always known, and all of the Internet has always known, and I’ve never kept it a secret, but within the family, it’s been unspoken.

She was alright with that. We talked about my transition a little bit, if I was happy with it, if it made me happier, or if I regretted it. (It made me happier, I’m happy with it. She was relieved to hear that.) Other than that, we’ve never spoken of it, but all of this is why I respect my mum more than I probably have ever respected anybody else.

I’m everything she was taught to think of shameful and bad her whole life, everything she struggled to accept as a part of “normal”, as something natural. I’m exclusively female-oriented bisexual, gender non-conforming, and a diagnosed and transitioned transsexual. She couldn’t possibly have a child deeper in the LGBT than I am. And not once in my life did she make me feel like I wasn’t good as I am, like I wasn’t allowed to be myself and express who I am and look up to the people I did. She always made sure I’d be safe to her best ability, but her concern never restricted my freedom to be myself and explore my identity, and her concern was never made to be my problem, or something I had to take responsibility of.

And this year, because the pandemic had moved the Pride parade by a few months and because that meant that my best friend (that girl I dated when I was 18) probably couldn’t join me because of her career situation, I asked mum if she’d come with me to Pride, because I don’t want to go alone. I fully expected this to be the last thing she couldn’t do. Earlier, she’d asked me to come to a gay movie with her because she really wanted to see it but couldn’t make herself go alone. That had been a throughoutly difficult experience for her - yes, she’d enjoyed the movie, but it had made her feel very conflicted because of the values she’d been raised with and the prejudices she was trying to fight. A Pride parade just seemed way beyond there - I just needed to ask because yes, I did need someone to go with, but also because I wanted to show her that I wanted to take her, and that she’s welcome to be a part of my life even in the ways that we’ve always been afraid to discuss. I’m happy to share my identity with her openly, because she’s been accepting and understanding of it and never given me a reason to feel like I can’t be honest with her. It was more symbolic than anything. And like I expected, she did hesitate, but what I didn’t expect was that she’d tell me “yes”.

I’ve never been more proud of her than at that moment. I know how much it means to her to say “yes, I will come with you to Pride”. She had to reassure herself that for her, it doesn’t mean anything else than that she’s proud of me, and supports who I am and my right and the right of everyone like me to be who we are. I reassured her about it too - Pride is full of straight allies. Pride is full of parents, partners and children, even dogs and horses of people who are LGBT. She’s not making a statement about herself by being there. She doesn’t need to come out as gay to join Pride with me. She can just be there for me.

But it means the world to me that she agreed.

I’ve quite literally never been the girl she wanted me to be, and my friends were never the friends she imagined her child having when she was planning for me. But she’s never, in any manner, implied or let me think that she didn’t love me. She’s never made me feel like I wasn’t right for being who I am. She never let her doubts or questions or concerns or prejudices keep me from living my life and pursuing happiness as it came to me. Not once.

And for that, I’m proud of her. I couldn’t have a better mother.

[choccos-aaart]

Learn stuff about the story of April and friends!

>>BASE<<

[SPOILER WARNING FOR PEOPLE WHO ARE INTERESTED?!] Also this is a LONG post -Chocco

LAST UPDATE: 13.07.2021

Random Facts Story Meme By ~PhoenixTorque If you're looking for a serious meme, you're in the wrong place! This is meant for original fiction, although it might work for fanfiction as well. It can be done with as many or as few spoilers as you wish, so feel free to skip over a question if you don't want to spoil things for potential readers. So pick a story and get started!

So, what's your story called? Like hell I know! XD It’s gone through multiple changes, but right now I’ve got “Poject: Proclo.” Despite me growing used to it, I’m not very proud of it...

Did you have any early/working titles? Yes! (It’s very embarrassing, though...)

Cloronve Niathea (2016-2017) - I jumbled up a bunch of words just so I could claim a tag

The Cloronia (2018?-2019) - I thought the 2016 one was stupid

Project: Clonerion (2019-2020) - I thought the early 2019 one was stupid.

Project: Proclo (2020-2021?) - I thought the 2020 one fell into this “definitely could have a definition in English which makes no sense in this context” trap

Project: WHAT THE HELL?! 

Why did you choose the final title? It’s titled “Steel House in the Prairie”!

Keeping this answer because I thought it was funny: “I didn’t! I don’t even have one that’s confirmed, yet!”

Was it easy or hard to choose a title? It’s pretty damn hard, I’ll tell you that

Who's the protagonist? Some cyborg kid named April

Why are they the protagonist, and not someone else? Well, here’s multiple things that tick off...

Audience knows just as much about the situation she finds herself in as she does

She undergoes major development, especially in relation to the other characters and in regards to the story’s main themes

She goes through situations that miraculously make her do protagonist things

ETC!!! XD

Are they a hero or everyperson? April’s an ambitiousless everyperson that just so happens to know how to fight.

What's their job? April’s only 15! And she hates being seen in the public, anyway! XD

Do they have a sidekick? Best Friend? April does make good friends with Pillia and Matro who technically do become her first best friends/sidekicks in her whole protag/hero journey

Do they have a love interest? Rivals fighting for their affection? A harem that hangs on their every word? Nope!

Is there a secondary protagonist? Who? I wouldn’t say, necessarily.

The main antagonist? Sad man Skatra XD Doc and co. seems like one at first, but it turns out that they’re also on the same side as April, too.

What do they have against the protagonist? Well, Mr Skatra’s got a goal, right? And April’s pretty much getting in the way of that goal. (Duhh!) Also, he and April are thematic opposites (Like hell I’m revealing this out to the public, tho XD) And also, April’s past has done some major damage to Skatra’s past (yeah, I know. Fiction just so happens to have coincidences like these, but c’mon. Fiction is an art.)

Are they a loner, or do they have a second-in-command? Mr Skatra works very closely with his daughter, Eyn!

Villain with good or bad publicity? Skatra’s got no publicity lol! (All seriousness, people are pretty indifferent to him. But that’s because he hasn’t achieved his goal, yet...)

Sure, but who REALLY runs the plot? Let’s face it. Skatra’s practically the reason for everything major in this story.

Who's the most important character not on this list? Why are they important? Doc/Sarlife hasn’t really been in a direct answer to any of these questions yet. They’re important because not only do they make a huge part of Skatra’s first conflicting side to begin with, but they also have their fair share of importance in the themes of the story, too.

Who's the least important character that you pay attention to? Probably Matro. He’s one of April’s friends, yeah, but the most important thing he does in the main storyline so far is just transport our characters XD

What's the most prominent canon ship? Well, I’ve nobody that’s really canon, yet. Unless Eyn’s slight crush on Pillia at the start counts. It’s not really that important. But I feel like I’ll hint it throughout the story. (Good luck on getting her, Eyn! Must hurt when you learn you’re on opposite sides, huh.)

Any other ships? Aside from Eyn’s small crush, there’s no other main characters that are canonically together.

Any noncanon crack!pairings you would read/consider writing? OH BOY. Alright, here’s a list of my bets:

April + Eyn - Everyone loves that good rivals/protag+antag pair. How can you get any better than that? They even start off thinking they’re gonna be great friends at the start (which is actually kinda sad...)

Matro + Farqua - They bicker quite a bit at the start, but they slowly regain their friendship as the story goes on. Classify them as rivals, if you want. And also, Farqua’s the one that works for Skatra, so there’s some good guy/bad guy stuff going on. BONUS: They’re red and blue with some major height difference, as well!!!

Doc + Wyra - These two consider each other pretty close and as close as they are, you’ll find Wyra teasing Doc a bit, too. That’s usually a joy to watch. They’re also your typical brawn + brains duo. Also, there’s the serious business + ball of energy there. I think this one’s sweet.

April + Pillia - Pillia’s probably April’s strongest relationship out of everyone in the story. She practically becomes April’s sidekick. Pillia’s good at turning trash into treasure, which means she can turn April into something great, too.

Matro + Doc - I’ve made sure that it looks as if they’ve been friends for ages. Matro even gets really upset after learning that Doc’s gone totally nuts. When Doc does end up joining forces with team April, Matro’s obviously got mixed feelings on the situation (considering what Doc’s done), but still wants to maintain their friendship as much as possible. 

Doc + Skatra - Here are two of April’s main antagonists, so that’s a start. Also, despite being on opposing sides of the situation, Doc doesn’t necessarily see Skatra as an enemy, they see him as someone who needs help. Although trying to stop Skatra, Doc’s trying to find the best possible way out of the situation for this guy. This probably the more angstier ones, of the bunch. 

Pillia + Ida - I’ve stated early in the script that these two are close friends. I haven’t had a phase yet where I’ve developed them as much as the others, but they’re the ones that are left, so I’m expecting some, soon. I’m probably gonna base some of their interaction off of Lister and Kryten from Red Dwarf, especially >>This Scene<<

Sorry, Eyn, Skatra, Ida, and Wyra, you’re all lonely as hell XD (don’t worry, I’m aroace XD)

Who is your favorite character to write? Tough one between Matro and Farqua.

Who is your least favorite character to write? Not that I’ve got a least favourite to write, but as of now, I’ve worked with Ida the least out of the main cast. (Sorry! I’ll get to you soon, I promise!!!)

Which character is the most cooperative? Ida, probably. She’s actually the most bored.

Which character is the least friendly? Doc, no matter how much they try to be.

Which character would you most want to meet in a bar? Matro seems the most fun to get drunk with! With his guitar, especially.

Which character would you least want to meet in a dark alleyway? Eyn. Especially in her Axel Duiti outfit!

How many characters are there total? I’m not counting. But, there are three main focus characters, and six other secondary characters!

How many are allied with the heroes? Out of the main characters, it starts off with three, then six, then seven.

How many are allied with the villains? Out of the main, it starts off seeming to be six, in actuality is three, then just two.

How many hate both of them? Oh... Uh... IDK I’ll write that later XD (Well, the situation’s trying to be as private as possible)

How many refuse to pick a side? Ida seems to have the most side struggles out of everyone. Farqua’s unwillingly pulled apart in all directions, too.

How large is the core cast (in 80-90% of the scenes)? Dunno excactly how to calculate much XD Let’s hope it’s a decent number.

Be honest—how many characters are actually important? Let’s hope all nine of them do something! 

When does the story take place? Likely far future (probably not in this universe, though!)

Where does it take place? Lightyears away from Earth, in the Piarosar system

Would you want to live there? If it weren’t for the war, then yeah. Seems pretty cool.

Does your story end in the same place it starts? This part of the story, yes. I plan for it to be part of a bigger story.

What/whose POV is the story told from? It’s in script form! Well, mostly from April’s point of view.

If not omniscient, whose thoughts would have the most spoilers? Skatra and Doc’s!

What genre is your story? Sci-fi, action, & adventure (despite being set inside a building. Well, it’s a massive one, though...)

Where in a library would you file it? Sci-fi. Duhh.

What format are you writing it in? Script! (For a comic)

What format do you wish you could write it in? Still script! For an animated series!

Would you be for or against a movie? It’s better suited for a series. But hell yeah, that’d be cool.

Indie flick or multi-million blockbuster? An indie project. Don’t want it too big, you know...

Write a nice, long description about the story: (Done that) “April is a cyborg kid who finds a large, mysterious building when she gets lost in a prairie. She learns that the main entrance of the place is totally out of the question, so she tries finding her way in from above. Too bad that she can't get out from where she came from, and now she's forced to find another way out.

April then later discovers that inside the building is a community of robots and different races of creatures. Some even decide to help her on her little journey outside the building in the safest way possible. Unfortunately, it also turns out that some couple randos' got some sort of weird deal with April and they clearly don't like her.

Even worse, It also turns out that the building has problems of its own. Robots are disappearing from their homeplaces and so are some of the rest of the people. If this keeps up, soon nobody will be there to keep to the building and its people. And when April finds out what exactly's been going on, there lies the chance that maybe she could do a large part in preventing a major catastrophe that'll take place if nothing's done. And get this. It's not just the building that gets it. Good thing April's not that big a scumbag to not do anything about it.”

That sounds interesting, but can you cut it to under 200 words for the back cover? A sci-fi about a cyborg kid who gets stuck inside a mysterious, giant building after getting lost far outside the city. Upon her arrival in the building, it turns out that her goal isn't just to escape and make her way back home, but to also somehow prevent a huge catastrophe that awaits if she doesn't do anything. Good thing she isn't that big a scumbag.

Quick! Write a 200-character-or-less (with spaces) teaser (think ff.net)! Now give us a catchy tagline for promotional material! A cyborg kid gets stuck inside a mysterious, giant building in the middle of nowhere. Turns out that her goal isn't just to escape, but to also prevent some huge catastrophe from happening.

Is there magic? Maybe? (Really depends what characters I introduce and where they’re fro) Time travel? In a way, this happens. Psychic powers? Nop. Talking animals? No. If I count the aliens, that’s kinda insensitive lol! Pajamas? Not exactly? Different dimensions/realms? Not necessarily. More like they explore our reality. Aliens? Yes! High school? Our protag’s in year 9? Poison? Sorta Dragons? No... Cake? Not many of the main cast can actually eat XD Large guns? O.O?!!!!! Children? Yeah, that’s like almost half the main cast Ninjas? Nope XD Large cities? Not really Advanced science? Yep! Teenagers? Yep! War? In the background, but I might explore this some more in future... Faeries? Nope... Corrupt government? I guess???????? Romance? Nope! XD Witches or Wizards? Nop Spaceships? Maybeeeee Fanservice? In a sense where it means “thing that isn’t necessary for the story, but just to make fans happy”, probably when the alternate versions of the characters pay a visit Ridiculously long names? Hm....... IDK An old, wise mentor? Not in that sense... Swords? Uhh... No??? Internet? Yeah, Housewives? No I guess lol  Conspiracies? ??? Overprotective parents? WEll, sorta I guess Revolutions? I don’t recall that idea coming :P Scented soap? I WISH Stuff blowing up? YEHA Monkeys? Idk? Not here?? A happy ending? YeaH?!?!??? Sorta. How much of the story have you finished? More planning than actual writing tbh

How much of the storyline have you decided on? A lot of the skeleton, now just the actual in betweens

About how long is it? Pretty long. IIt;s actually a part of a bigger thing.

How long is it in-story from beginning to end (flashbacks don't count)? LONG>

Do you ever think it will be finished? YES> DON’T DOUBT ME Anything else you'd like to add?  I’m good!

[shipping-receiving]

JB Fav Fics

Ages ago, I reblogged @chickren​‘s post (from 2013!) and I promised to give it a shot but got all tied up with my dissertation and my own fic. Now that my dissertation is done, I HAVE COMPLETED THIS. Bear in mind these answers might be a bit ‘dated’ as well (by a few months) because I’ve not been reading much fic on my end. Turns out when I’m writing my own, I can only hold one version of J/B in my head. 

Anyway this list is LONG AND TOOK ME FOREVER and I also wrote comments because I can’t help myself. So everything is under the cut. I took out the Shuffled Challenge one (very 2013 lol) and I replaced it with a category called... favourite S8 fix-it. Can you believe it? After I made all this noise about not being able to read fix-its?

[J/B Fic Recs: Master Post if anyone needs it before we start things off]

Favourite fic set immediately after ADWD Second to fucking none: Honor Thy Regard by SigilBroken Nights Without Armor by bratanimus

Favourite fic set a long time after ADWD Oh. Salt Wife by Lady_in_Red. Breathtaking simplicity.

Favourite TV canon fic Pretty and Traveling Far by astolat A Man for All Seasons by dreadwulf

Favourite S8 fix-it Yes, I know. I can’t deal with fix-its. And yet. Ice by Gwen77 Ring Them Bells by kirazi Battle is the Great Redeemer by Lady_In_Red

Favourite modern AU Clean hands by you-know-who (... it’s Gwen77) + all the classics:  Fever by Lady_In_Red On the Night’s Watch by Miss_M It’s Like Weather by ssstrychnine Beast and the Beast by SigilBroken And of course our recent fandom favourite: two halves of a soul by angel_deux

Favourite kiss (Don’t specify chapter) Okay this is kind of a random one but I remember re-reading Roommate Wanted by JustAGirl24 a couple months back, and when they finally kissed I wanted to freaking throw my phone across the room. It’s not even described in detail, it was just such a perfectly timed OMFG!!! THEY KISSED! moment.

Favourite smut Anything by Miss_M, good lord. My all-time favourite is Golden and True (modern AU, sequel to Ball and Chain), but for canon!verse it has to be Heart’s Desire and Spring Awakening. And obviously I have to say Flawed by francoeurs – smut exploring J/B’s Issues with a capital I? I’m THERE.

And for multi-chapter fic, Everyone Has Secrets by ellaria is fire. Oh and also, everyone’s favourite professor AU, Stacked by QuizzicalQuinnia.

Favourite UST On the Night’s Watch and Someone to Watch Over Me by Miss_M. I love that these two fics take place over such a short time (a few days) but they manage to feel like slow burns. That’s fucking skill right there.

Best written fic I hate this question. You want me to pick the best-written fic out of the FIVE THOUSAND J/B FICS ON AO3? Lmao I’m skipping.

Favourite fic with an unusual premise Multiverse central: All the Roads are Winding by ShirleyAnn66 In which Brienne can turn into a sea lion: This Is Your Wilderness by hardlyfatal GENDER SWAP: all knights are gallant and all maids are beautiful by janie_tangerine Jaime is a sculptor: Madonna of the Balcony by QuizzicalQuinnia Jaime does needlework: Hold This Threadbare Heart at Needlepoint by nire

Favourite action scene Words by astolat. The entire battle sequence.

Favourite dialogue Clean hands by Gwen77, Chapter 9. So cathartic, and SO MUCH HAPPENING. Not just J/B but Tyrion and Cersei on the phone too. I mean I just tried to re-read it to pick an excerpt (I can’t) and I already started crying lmao

Favourite characterization of Jaime A Man for All Seasons by dreadwulf. THE NUANCE. THE DETAIL.

Favourite characterization of Brienne Any fucking thing by Gwen77. Especially Clean hands, Diplomacy and Ice.

Favourite relationship development Where I follow, you’ll go by Lady_In_Red Beast and the Beast by SigilBroken, OBVIOUSLY It’s Like Weather by ssstrychnine Patience on a Monument by betts, even though they’re already friends, because betts makes me sit through Jaime/Sansa and Brienne/Tormund and yet I still re-read this.

Favourite use of non-typical character. Exclude these: Jaime, Brienne, Podrick, Hyle, Cersei, Sansa, Margaery, Tyrion, Daenerys, Selwyn, Tywin. Hmm this is a tough one. Maybe Loras the photographer in Living Fiction by Archetype_Electraheart

Favourite plot In This Light by SigilBroken for canon!verse endgame On the Night’s Watch by Miss_M and Everyone Has Secrets by ellaria for modern AU. I love J/B investigating stuff together.

Favourite title Nobody Knows / You Know and I Know by Miss_M “There’s a story,” Brienne says, “about a corrupt official who went to a sage and offered him to take part in a scheme, promising no one would ever know. ‘How can you say that?’ the sage replied. ‘I know, and you know, and the earth knows, and the sky knows.’”

Favourite WiP (finished or unfinished) With All Your Faults by seaspirit (close to the end!!!) The Descent by openmouthwideeye And this is finished but Tale As Old As Time by BrienneofThrace. She came back after like four years to finish it?! That alone is fandom magic.

Favourite long one-shot Pretty by astolat (wtf this is 30k?)

Favourite short one-shot OH MY GOD THE GLASSES FIC. Age Gap by ikkiM

Favourite drabble Mmmmm I don’t really read drabbles so I’ll skip this too.

Favourite beginning What is True, But Not Ideal by Vera: Jaime doesn’t appear for like four chapters and yet I was still on board.

Favourite ending IT’S FUCKING Clean hands by Gwen77 OKAY DON’T @ ME. Traveling Far by astolat – because she just Went There and gave J/B five kids The Sorrows That Women Cause by Mussimm (seventh and final part of Works and Days, in which they just... bang)

Favourite story twist more like the man you were meant to be by janie_tangerine. I mean, this isn’t really an internal twist, more like a twist on canon The Importance of Knocking by Miss_M, since it’s a story twist for Cersei lol.

Funniest story St George's Day by sansasparky The Best Legs You've Ever Seen by ikkiM

Favourite angst In the first version of this list I said I wouldn’t pick Gwen77 again for this one, and then I re-read Ice and cried my eyes out for like, the whole thing. Special mention for catherineflowers’ series We Need to Talk About…, because of how much she just commits entirely to some really dark stuff. It’s something I wouldn’t necessarily re-read, but just the audacity it took for her to write this is really impressive.

Favourite fluff The Higher Education of Brienne of Tarth and Drunken Shenanigans with Jaime and Brienne by BrienneofThrace. Anything by BrienneofThrace to be honest. She does the purest J/B. Also, Nothing That Is So, Is So by RoseHeart, and i get to be the other half of you + The 'Kiss Me' Series by sameboots.

Favourite Jaime line Yooooooo that part in Laying Siege by astolat when Jaime just launches into his wedding proposal: “I swear to you before these witnesses that I will protect Sansa Stark with my life, beside you. I will never take the field against her. I will take your name and your crest and your house as my own—”... I can feel myself being Brienne going WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK

Favourite Brienne line Yeah yeah here I go picking Gwen77 again. The very last lines of all her fics always slay me, but this is the only line I can quote verbatim, from Diplomacy: “Trapped, he had said, worry in his voice. Ruined. She had never felt so free.”

Favourite general line or excerpt I love the way Gwen77 commits to the motif of walls in Ice. I freaked out about it here. And then after all that talk about Brienne building up her walls she just HITS US WITH THIS FINAL LINE:

“Jaime was hers, encircling, warm, solid as a wall. He would catch her if she fell.”

Favourite non-romantic fic The tale of Squire!Brienne series by LadyRhiyana

Favourite maiming adaptation in a modern AU Fever by Lady_In_Red, because I love how the whole story is built on Jaime learning how to ride again with a mangled hand

Favourite kidfic Not really a full-on kidfic, but You Know and I Know (sequel to Nobody Knows) for that Jaime & Tommen relationship, plus that conversation J/B have about having kids in future. Oh, and so brief, but Traveling Far by astolat.

Craziest scene that was in character and made sense (Don’t specify chapter) Let’s just go for the entirety of Stannis Baratheon, Fantasy Football League Commissioner by ikkiM AND THAT FUCKING J/B/C FIC THAT I READ BECAUSE I DIDN’T LOOK AT THE TAGS OKAY: Pride by astolat

Most underrated fic My Fall by TeamGwenee. Witches in 1600s colonial America AND in first person POV? IT WORKS THO. Such an interesting and original premise, and written in a very refreshing succinct style, and yet this multi-chapter fic has less than 200 kudos. Another one with less than 200 kudos: and you’ve whispered what I’m worth by angel_deux, a really lovely Mad Max: Fury Road AU.

Most desperate to see updated NO PRESSURE!!! for our world is cold and full of monsters by chancellor_valdez room service by ssstrychnine A Star Within the Mere by isavedlatin (sigh)

Favourite J/B as a secondary couple Some Kind of Family by crossingwinter

Most haunting Fool by astolat. I don’t know why. It’s a very beautiful story and it’s not even a bad ending for J/B necessarily, but the fact that it ends the way it does just really fucks me up. It’s the only fic in my bookmarks that I don’t think I can ever bear to re-read.

Favourite (friendship or hate) relationship between Jaime and another character One Of The Few Things by anniebibananie (Sansa) – I’m picking this just for the sheer I-can’t-believe-you-made-this-work-and-I-applaud-you factor

Favourite (friendship or hate) relationship between Brienne and another character What Is True, But Not Ideal by Vera (Tyrion)

[aroworlds]

Fiction: The Pride Conspiracy, Part One

December isn't the best time of year for a trans aromantic like Rowan Ross, although—unlike his relatives—his co-workers probably won't give him gift cards to women's clothing shops. How does he explain to cis people that while golf balls don't trigger his dysphoria, he wants to be seen as more than a masculine stereotype? Nonetheless, he thinks he has this teeth-gritted endurance thing figured out: cissexism means he needn't fear his relatives asking him about dating, and he has the perfect idea for Melanie in the office gift exchange. He can survive gifts and kin, right? Isn't playing along with expectation better than enduring unexpected consequences?

Rowan, however, isn't the only aromantic in the office planning to surprise a co-worker.

To survive the onslaught of ribbon and cellophane, Rowan's going to have to get comfortable with embracing the unknown.

Contains: A trans allo-frayro trying to grit his teeth through the holidays, scheming aro co-workers, a whole lot of cross-stitch, another moment of aromantic discovery, and many, many mugs.

Content Advisory: A story that focuses on some of the ways Western gift-giving culture enables cissexism and a rigid gender binary, taking place in the context of commercialised, secular-but-with-very-Christian-underpinnings Christmas. Please expect many references to said holiday in an office where Damien hasn't figured out how to run a gift exchange without subjecting everyone to Santa, along with characters who have work to do in recognising that not everybody celebrates Christmas.

There are no depictions or mentions of sexual attraction beyond the words "allosexual" and "bisexual" and a passing reference to allo-aro antagonism, but there are non-detailed references to Rowan's previous experiences with and attitudes towards romance and romantic attraction as a frayromantic. Please also expect casual references to amatonormativity and other shapes of cissexism.

Length: 4, 914 words (part one of two).

Note: You'll need to have read The Vampire Conundrum for many references to make sense.

Rowan should be assumed an Australian character in an Australian city. Our Christmas, therefore, involves hot weather, short sleeves, barbecues and confusion at certain holiday traditions common in the Northern Hemisphere. 

They’re aromantic. How isn’t he obligated to help decorate her desk in as many pride-related ways as possible? 

“It’s Secret Santa slash December Holiday Gift Exchange!” Damien emerges from the meeting room, shaking a paper-scrap-filled jar with the gleeful attitude of a toddler attacking a pile of presents. In order to give the occasion suitable gravitas, he draped a rope of red tinsel over his shoulders, the fronds glittering in the flicker-prone lighting. “Come gather!”

Rowan looks up from his computer, biting back a groan. This isn’t a surprise, given that Shelby answered his interview questions about “workplace culture” with descriptions of their celebrating capitalist-infused Christian holidays, and the office more than lives up to that promise. A tree sits on the front counter, its branches crammed with baubles. Tinsel hangs on everything from which tinsel can be hung and rests in snake-like coils over the computer towers, screens, desk partitions and the large corkboard. Ribbon-wrapped pencils topped with felt trees, stars and stockings flowered, overnight, from everyone’s pen mugs; Melanie gave Rowan three of them for his frayro mug. Every desk features a red bowl of tree-shaped marshmallows, candy canes or that weird Christmas lolly mix common in dollar shops.

Only the lack of music renders bearable this explosion of festivity. Damien said he drew that line last year after Melanie and Shelby alternated between Michael Bublé and Josh Groban’s Christmas CDs.

Rowan doesn’t want to think about that sublime horror.

Christmas to him means slipping a few TSO tracks into his melodic metal playlists and gritting his teeth until the new year.

“O come all ye faithful,” Melanie sings, spinning her chair around. Every day this week she’s donned a different Christmas-themed T-shirt; today’s features a screen-printed Rudolph head with an apple-sized nose made from red minky fleece. Rowan doesn’t understand the American “ugly Christmas jumper” thing—why?—but Melanie appears to be replicating the trend via short sleeves and jersey knits.

Damien jerks his elbow at the largest whiteboard, half filled with the Banned Holiday Decorations List—items including “music, carols, hymns and singing”, “all types of fake snow” and “Cadbury Crème Eggs”. “Didn’t we talk about carols?”

Rowan doesn’t want to be accused of being a dreadful, fun-loathing millennial about which too many articles have been written on dislike of office gift exchanges … but he doesn’t know how not to be one, either. Why do people like this? Buying presents for people who aren’t strangers but aren’t friends, hoping that his attempt isn’t too generic only to open something tailored to feminine cliché ... followed by the apologetic explanation or justification that Rowan isn’t easy to shop for.

Can’t he save himself fifteen bucks and skip the disaster?

He’s never understood how he presents a difficulty that isn’t cissexism and a lack of imagination: buy him good thread, expensive coffee, dress socks, a nice mug, food storage containers or fancy kitchenware. He’ll even take a cheap box of chocolates, since his housemates will eat anything should they believe it food. Just get him something that isn’t a floral-patterned bath set followed by the hand-wringing apology that the giver just doesn’t know what to get someone as confusing as Rowan!

Why don’t they ask him what he wants?

He’s over spending money and time on gift exchanges only to receive cissexism, dysphoria or stereotype wrapped in paper and tied with a bow.

Rowan draws a breath and slips his fingers under his thighs. He should have sent Damien an email when Melanie started decorating, but Rowan was thinking about pushing their print date back two weeks and not thinking about Mum’s out-of-nowhere request that Rowan attend the family Christmas. “Uh … Damien? Can I … quick word?”

Why did he get himself a new psychologist? One who says terrible words like assertiveness?

“Give us a minute.” Tinsel rustling, Damien crouches beside Rowan’s chair. “Will here do?”

If everyone overhears, Rowan can pretend he’s talking to one person while knowing they all benefit from his explanation. Besides, going into the meeting room makes this a thing. “Yeah. Um. I … I don’t usually get the right presents from people in gift exchanges. By which I mean ... presents that aren’t a reminder that they think me female, and if they give me enough nail polish and heart-shaped jewellery and glittery handbags, I’ll admit it. I don’t want that? Really don’t want that?”

Why do his parents want to play at being a happy family? Does Mum want to show off to Uncle Keith and his new wife? Have they forgotten how badly last Christmas went? Or is this just more cissexist assumption that Rowan will discard his masculinity when needed? If they behave as though Rowan should fit their expectations, will he—eventually—surrender to them?

I’m not being difficult because I want my masculinity and transness respected. I’m not...

Melanie leans over to poke Shelby’s shoulder, her bright red lips forming a ring.

Damien blinks, hesitating as if he doesn’t know how best to respond. “That ... sounds like my niece’s favourite birthday. Although she took the bag, put one of my sister’s dumbbells inside and swung it at the boy over the road who wouldn't stop calling her pretty. And then made an army of neighbourhood girls wielding heavy unicorn bags.” He shakes his head. “I mean that … you obviously aren’t a certain kind of eight-year-old or into glitter, so...”

If only Rowan had the nerve to do that to Aunt Laura! “I bet he never did that again.”

“No. I’ll make sure … that the person who has you gets you something appropriate.”

Inappropriately-feminine gifts aren’t his only difficulty. Rowan doesn’t how to voice something so complex (to cis, gender-conforming people) about gender and gift-giving without sounding like he’s complaining for the sake of complaining—the demanding, difficult trans man of his parents’ accusations. Most often he endures a cis female celebrity’s latest perfume, but well-intended “accepting” people give him an Old Spice gift set—acknowledging his masculinity at the cost of his personality. How do cis people not chafe at gift-giving traditions that assume people can be reduced down to one of two categories with narrow behaviours and interests ascribed to each?

It’s easier to draw the line at gifts that only avoid being the embodiment of the giver’s cissexism and donate everything else, as much as Rowan yearns for one year with a good present he doesn’t buy himself.

Will cis people ever understand that being trans means holding back on responding to cis nonsense?

“Thanks. Yeah, thanks.”

“Secret Santa slash December Holiday Gift Exchange rules!” Damien straightens, shaking the jar; paper rattles against glass. “Twenty-dollar limit, keep it fun, don’t give anything inappropriate for a professional environment. I want to be eating mince pies, not taking people into the meeting room for discussions on adulthood. We exchange on the last day, December 20.” He reaches into the jar, the neck a tight fit for his hands, and tweezers out a folded piece of paper before handing it to Rowan.

Damien shakes the jar again before offering another slip to Melanie and then Shelby.

Don’t people draw names themselves from the bowl or jar? Nobody else seems concerned by this lapse—Melanie starts laughing when she sees her name—so Rowan shrugs and opens his, deciding it must be normal enough.

The Aro Gods must be inclined to a little seasonal kindness, for he sees “Melanie” written in Damien’s handwriting.

No need to struggle through generic alternatives like food or wine; pride pins will make her happy enough. A pen? A mini aro flag? Choosing may be Rowan’s worst problem, but he can get her a few things and give her whatever’s over the limit after the exchange.

They’re aromantic. How isn’t he obligated to help decorate her desk in as many pride-related ways as possible?

“Rowan!” Melanie bustles over; he quickly slides his paper up his sleeve. She makes metallic jangling noises—words like “ringing” or “pealing” don’t apply—as she moves, thanks to a gold chain bracelet decorated with small bells at each link. Matching earrings dangle from her ears, clinking out of tune with the ones at her wrist. “Can I ask you something?”

He nods, hoping she’ll let pass unremarked his description of holiday cissexism.

“Where did you buy your flag patches? I want one. Well, maybe more than one, because there’s the aro flag, and the ace flag, and maybe one of the aro-ace flags, but I haven’t decided which one I like best since there’s several that are nice, and...”

Once-in-a-lifetime inspiration hits Rowan with finger-twitching force. “I don’t know,” he lies once Melanie runs out of steam. “Uh … a friend gave them to me and ... I don’t know where they bought them. Online, probably?” He swallows and tries for distraction, gambling his poor ability for falsehood against Melanie’s likely ignorance. “Maybe look on Etsy? I’d look on Etsy.”

“Etsy? What’s that?”

“Handcraft eBay,” he says in relief, thinking through his thread stash. “Where people sell handmade things. I don’t know when I’m seeing my friend next, but I can ask...?”

He’ll need purples, greens, greys, black, white—oh, and blues! A little orange, a little yellow. Has he enough fabric? What about time? Should he do the main ones first and then others as he can squeeze them in?

On the way home tonight, he’ll start by stopping at his local sewing store.

***

Rowan hits “send” on an email to Damien, ignoring Mum’s latest text, as Shelby bounds up to his desk. Like Melanie, she’s added Christmas T-shirts to her daily ensemble; unlike Melanie, Shelby’s T-shirts appear to come from a department store’s children’s section. Today’s shirt shows a cute-but-scientifically-inaccurate dinosaur in a Santa hat holding a red box. Also unlike Melanie, Shelby hasn’t added earrings, pins, necklaces, bangles or socks in honour of the season. “Yeah?”

Damien added “battery and USB-powered light-up objects” to the List after an office vote provoked by a flashing necklace that resembled miniature string lights.

Shelby whispers, meaning that she speaks in a raspier tone with volume enough that her standing on the other side of a crowded football oval needn’t impede one’s hearing. In fairness, Rowan has heard her speak over a hundred gossiping Year 7 students until they surrendered to the stubbornness of an older woman who doesn’t go to bed caring what they think of her. “Can you go through all the … the identities? Can you show them to me and tell me what colours go with them? Do they all have their own colours?”

Rowan can only sit and gape.

“Please? I need someone to go through them all.”

He lunges for his half-filled mug, hoping his perpetual need for coffee conceals his surprise. “You mean pride flags? Queer pride flags?”

“Please.” Shelby nods, grips his arm and gives a meant-as-comforting nutcracker-like squeeze before lowering her hand to fidget with her phone—a device likely dug up with the fossils from the dinosaur on her shirt. It doesn’t have a cover; he guesses she covered the back with multiple layers of washi tape coated in (yellowing) clear nail polish. He doesn’t ask why. “Maybe you can start with the ones you use, and that one Melanie has, and then tell me the other ones? There aren’t that many, are there?”

Rowan, lukewarm coffee in his mouth and heading down his gullet, chokes.

Several moments of spluttering and coughing, aided by Shelby’s enthusiastic back-pounding, pass before he can answer. “Uh … there’s lots, actually. Lots.” He considers explaining about Tumblr before deciding on the appropriate answer: a thousand kinds of nope. “Do you want gender ones, or sexuality ones, or aromantic ones, or...?”

Shelby’s blank, brow-creased expression shows that, if she read Rowan’s leaflet, his emails and the hand-outs provided by Damien’s trainers, the knowledge hasn’t stuck with her.

(They weren’t better than Rowan’s own and only mentioned aromanticism as a way of being asexual.)

“The ones you and Melanie use...?” She lowers her voice to a point where someone may, in theory, be unable to hear her from the other side of the room. “I want to get Melanie a little extra … something, this year. With a flag, maybe?” She jerks her elbow in the direction of Melanie’s mug, currently filled with something smelling of camomile and dish-water. “But I should know more about the other ones, too. Like yours. Can you show them all to me?”

There’s no way in this tinselled hell that Melanie can’t hear Shelby, yet Melanie appears engrossed in deleting emails.

Last week, Rowan said “aromantic” once to their newest volunteer in a conversation about the pride flags on their website. Seconds later, Melanie materialised from the hallway, passed over one of Rowan’s leaflets and introduced herself as aro-ace before giving a five-point rundown on ways to avoid casual amatonormativity—not that she’s yet comfortable saying the word—in the workplace. There’s no way she’s contemplating the mysteries of her trash folder while Rowan talks to Shelby about aromantic pride flags! Breathing “aro” aloud is now akin to summoning a demon—one revelling in the discovery of the identity that makes belated sense of her life.

“You want me to show you aromantic flags?” Rowan asks to clarify, baffled.

Shelby beams at him. “Yes, please.”

Melanie, frowning, deletes an email.

Did Damien have a word with her? Did the volunteer complain?

Rowan can’t say that he wants to play tour guide through the world of queer vexillology, but Shelby has gone five weeks without saying the phrase “you trans people” and two months without reassuring Rowan on the subject of pronoun-correction. He also knows Melanie and Shelby are friends outside of work, bonding over stage shows and music. If Shelby wants to support Melanie in her aromanticism, how can Rowan refuse?

While Rowan sat there planning the politest way to navigate the glaring error in the trainers’ leaflets, Melanie stood up, exclaimed that aromanticism isn’t the same thing as asexuality and demanded that they do some reading before engaging in “obvious aro denial”. He owes her. She scares him a little, but he owes her.

(Should Rowan master the ability to handle conversations and presentations, he may consider becoming a sensitivity trainer. That two-day workshop, while decent enough on gender and sexuality, left him again concluding that most queer alloros have no idea how to reference and include aromanticism in their conversations about queerness.)

Another Mum-authored text flashes up on his phone, displaying the words “Christmas”, “clothing” and “appropriately”.

No, no and hell no.

“Yeah, okay.” He bends down to grab his satchel, tucked against the left-hand side of his desk. A decent collection of patches and badges now covers the front flap, including his cursed-but-memorable “aro” patch. “That’s the trans pride flag, with the blue, pink and white, and beside it is the bisexual flag. The flag with the greens and black is the aromantic flag, and the allo-aro flag has the greens and gold. It’s pretty much the same as the aro flag, except with yellow and gold instead of grey and black.” He points at each patch as he moves through his explanation. “Allo—allosexual—aromantics are aros who experience sexual attraction.”

He’ll stick to simple definitions with Shelby, even if they lack ideal expansiveness.

Shelby nods, smiling.

“For me, it means I’m aromantic and bisexual. Aro-aces, like Melanie, are aromantic and asexual, meaning she doesn’t experience sexual attraction.” He almost asks her if she remembers what “aromanticism” means before realising that he’ll sound like a condescending primary-school teacher. “This flag with the blues, white and grey is the frayromantic flag, which designates the specific way I’m aro. The flag on Melanie’s mug—”

Shelby leans against his desk, her grey braid trailing over one arm. “So you have an aromantic flag and an allosexual aromantic flag? A special aromantic flag?”

Are they heading towards the sort of conversation that involves anger over “making up” identities outside the speaker’s reckoning of acceptable? Or does she mean “distinct”? “Ah … kind of? The green and black flag represents all aros—Melanie and me. The green and gold one’s just for me, and I don’t use her blue and orange one.”

For the first time in living memory, Melanie pays Rowan and Shelby no attention.

“I see! You want to reflect different types of aro.” Shelby almost says the word without unusual stress; Rowan considers applauding her but decides he won’t risk undermining his point on avoiding excessive overreaction to queer terminology. “Do you ever put the flags together? Like if you want to be both things at once?”

When isn’t he the state of multiple identities at once? Rowan decides she means “represent” instead of “be” and nods. “Yeah? Some people put a heart with the stripes of the aro flag in the middle of the trans or bi flags, but I don’t like that because using a heart to represent us all is a bit … eh. You know, heart, love, love hearts? Lots of people don’t care, though. I’ve also seen folks split them in an image, or have the stripes fade into each other. Like trans stripes fading into aro stripes.”

“And you like that better?” Shelby blinks, her blunt nails tracing the edge of the case. “Would Melanie like that? The aromantic flag fading into another one?”

There’s no way Melanie didn’t hear that—and no reason for her to say silent! Last month she told Rowan and Shelby to get mint chocolate cake for her birthday after walking in on them debating sponge versus cheesecake in the meeting room!

(Sponge, in Rowan’s opinion, is the classic cake format.)

“Yeah. It shows my identities together without using symbolism I find awkward.” Rowan lowers his voice, leaning closer to Shelby. “Melanie will probably go for the aromantic flag fading into or combined with the asexual flag, if you’re doing something with two flags. I don’t think she’d be into hearts, but a split image or fading? That’d work.”

Shelby straightens, beaming, and gives Rowan another firm arm-squeeze. “That’s great! Thank you so much for helping, Rowan!”

“Don’t you want to know more about aro-ace flags...?”

“No, that’s great!” Shelby, heading towards her own desk, no longer attempts to speak at anything not normal volume. “Aromantic into asexual! I’ll remember that!”

As Shelby turns, he catches a glimpse of the cracked screen on her phone—or, more specifically, the movement of her hand as she presses stop on her recording app.

Is that legal? It surely isn’t normal? Or is she an auditory learner, meaning she’ll learn best by playing the recording over … but in that case, why not say so? He could have directed her to YouTube videos and podcasts! Perhaps, though, she only shows her ignorance in digital etiquette, in the same way Rowan took Melanie aside to explain that the use of caps lock for the body of a promotional email violates good manners as much as—more than!—she thinks signing a form in red ballpoint? Should he complain about something suggestive of her willingness to understand him?

Rowan stares, shrugs and shakes his head as a third text pops up.

Sometimes it’s easier to just not ask.

Too bad that can’t apply as easily to family.

***

Rowan stands, yawns and stretches. His lunch half-hour beckons: sunshine spent with food, cross-stitch and a flock of pigeons tame enough to perch on the far end of his bench. Since today involved apologetic emails followed by a contrite phone call to his goddess amongst printers, time free of people feels like looming perfection. Just him, the pigeons, a sewing needle and the homemade pasty he hid from Matt inside a bag of frozen peas.

Any day in which he gets to enjoy his own cooking can’t be too terrible.

Perhaps he should do as his psychologist says: put a chest freezer in his bedroom and a lock on his door.

“Rowan!” Damien, his hair tousled enough to make Rowan think of a woolly mammoth in a sharp suit, carries a plate of something smelling like honey and chicken into the office. “While Melanie’s out, can you show me your mug shop? You said there’s a lot of aro-ace flags, right? Or would she want one like yours, the green one? I don’t get her something like your blue and green shield one, though?” He shrugs and sets the plate down on Rowan’s desk. “My wife’s friends with her sister and we got invited out, but there’s another swap. I don’t want to get her the wrong thing. Do you mind?”

At least Damien does the sensible thing of asking while Melanie’s out on lunch. Maybe this won’t take too long: Damien’s a terrible photographer with unreasonable expectations of Photoshop, but he does know how to buy things online.

“Yeah. Hold on.” Rowan opens up his browser just as his phone beeps. Nope, ignoring that. “I’ll show you what mugs I think she’d want.”

He hadn’t realised how many people here are friends with Melanie outside of work. It must be nice to have a regular social life that isn’t “being at work” and “sighing at housemates”, but there’s advantages in possessing the short holiday shopping list of family, a work gift exchange and a couple of friends. Besides, does anyone want one’s co-workers to know what happens at an outside party?

“Don’t ignore your phone because of me.”

“It’s Dad.” Since Rowan can’t find a pithy or amusing way to explain that Dad’s text message will be a guilt-trip ordering Rowan to come to Christmas for the sake of the family’s happiness followed by a second guilt-trip explaining how much his refusal to confirm has upset Mum, he just shakes his head.

You talked about this with the psychologist. Guilt. Trip.

He made an appointment for the second week of January; he should have made one in December as well.

“That bad?”

He can’t remember the specifics of his rant that day atop the desk, but he must have suggested at an interesting relationship with his parents. “Yeah.”

Did they forget telling Rowan that if he doesn’t like how they treat him, he can leave? They told Rowan that he isn’t welcome while he remains intolerant of them—while I expect them to treat me as I deserve. He left. Now they want him back to smile for the family photos?

What’s worse? Enduring a day of misgendering, deadnaming and cissexism, which shouldn’t result in unknown voyages of horror if he bites his tongue? Or avoiding short-term discomfort while gaining the long-term torment of the family’s schooling Rowan in appropriate Ross respect for blood and holidays? What chance is there of avoiding harassment if he doesn’t go?

Maybe he can leave off shaving for a week before Christmas and turn up with his new, albeit patchy, facial hair while wearing an op-shop debutante gown, so he “dresses appropriately” and “doesn’t confuse the relatives” as requested.

How many truckloads of Valium will he need for that?

“Rowan? Are you okay?” Damien, now sitting on an office chair, peers at him as though waiting for Rowan to do anything more than stare at the computer screen.

“Ugh. Sorry. Just thinking.” Rowan sighs and types in the shop’s name, bringing up their website, and then opens a second tab to another archiving different pride flags.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Damien asks in that gruffly-gentle voice, one that makes Rowan want to smash his fist through a window.

“Yeah, no.” Rowan draws a breath and points at the screen with a hand a too trembly for his liking. “So you’re going to want to know what flags represent what, because there’s a drop-down menu where you can choose from different flags...”

It’s easier to talk, easier to run through all the different flags in a depth of explanation Damien doesn’t request, easier to think about something that isn’t family—a subject with complexity enough to distract but without provocation enough to distress.

He doesn’t know if Damien asks questions from curiosity or kindness, but Rowan’s pasty becomes pastry crumbs scattered over his desk and keyboard; Damien’s chicken, half-eaten, sits cooling on its plate.

“So cupioromantic is the one where you want the relationship but you don’t feel romance?” Damien frowns and runs both oversized hands through his hair, now resembling a befuddled bear emerging after a long hibernation. “Why have a word for that? I mean, everyone feels like it isn’t one of those movies and dates anyway, so why specify that?”

“Where you don’t feel romantic attraction but desire a romantic relationship,” Rowan says, telling himself that Damien unknowingly regurgitates the tired “demiromanticism is normal” argument. Isn’t this better than looking at the fifth text message? “Some people need it to be a word. Movies aren’t that divorced from reality. They’re … too easy, too glossy, too perfect, too unrealistic, but...”

He sighs. Not dating brings many benefits, but Rowan has to admit that he misses the fun of falling in love, even if trouble always follows. Misses the fun of dreaming, hoping and fantasising; misses the bright, happy glow of being caught up in someone else. At risk of being considered a bad aro, he likes that glorious limerence pushing him to navigate people despite his gibbering anxiety! In some ways, knowing he’s capable of falling in love over and over feels heady and powerful; amatonormativity more than the nature of Rowan’s frayromanticism bestows difficulty on its aftermath.

I want to fall in love with you ... and after getting to know you, do it again with someone else, all the best bits of romance’s beginning on eternal repeat.

Instead, he avoids dating and the inevitable development of his partner’s hurt, surrendering to a world where his shape of attraction isn’t acceptable or reasonable. Albeit with a trace of bitterness that frayromanticism will be easier to navigate should Rowan not be an anxiety-plagued, bisexual trans man!

Of course, discarding romance makes pursuing his shape of sexual attraction unacceptable and unreasonable...

“How are they real? Nobody just sees someone and falls in love like that—”

“Dude, dude, I’ve fallen in love like that.” Rowan shakes his head and launches into the speech that’s the spiritual duty of any card-carrying aromantic: “Do you fall in love after you get to know someone? After they love you back? Do you know what ‘fall in love’ means to you? Because it’s easy to name all sorts of feelings ‘love’ and think they’re romantic when the world says you have to be alloromantic. It’s even easier to not be romantically attracted and not know! Have you thought about it?”

Damien, his eyes so wide that he reminds Rowan of a zebrafish with a brown wig, shakes his head.

“I swear, alloros like romance movies because while they’re a … a simplified, idealistic version of romance, they’re close enough to what people feel—or think they’re supposed to feel—that they … ring, resonate. They wouldn’t do that if it were complete invention. Just like science fiction isn’t real but talks enough about human experiences to have meaning to human audiences. Unreal, in so many ways, but just real enough. So—”

Damien holds up both hands, palms facing Rowan. “Stop. Stop.”

Now the anxious part of Rowan’s brain realises he’s lecturing at his supervisor in a way no need to avoid thinking of his family justifies; he gulps, fingers trembling. While the office code of conduct doesn’t specify things like unwanted speeches questioning another person’s belief in their romantic attraction, he doubts this acceptable behaviour. “I … shit. I’m sorry! I’m so sorry! I just...”

Will he ever stop causing a mess at work?

“You’re talking so fast,” Damien says, slow and careful in the way of a man talking to a panicked horse, “that I can’t keep up.” He sighs and runs one hand through his hair. “This isn’t something I thought we’d be talking about! I just wanted to check that everything was right...” He shakes his head, but he doesn’t sound annoyed or outraged. Just bewildered. “Okay. Right. What about all those sorts of things that we think are love? What do you mean by that?”

At some point during the resulting afternoon, Rowan sends an email thanking his printer for her willingness to amend the job queue, ignores his brother’s entry in the competition to provoke the most seasonally-appropriate guilt, and scribbles a note to ask the higher-ups if they’ll spring for a basket of expensive coffee and chocolates sent to said printer.

Damien nods several times, takes dot points on a flyer print-out and the back of the report draft for last week’s holiday event, asks more questions and promises that he’ll remind the higher-ups of their involvement in submitting January’s flyers two weeks late. After eating the rest of his re-heated honey chicken at Rowan’s desk and narrating the story of how his future wife followed him from pub to pub during a crawl for his brother’s buck’s night, Damien concludes that he only experiences attraction for someone after they express attraction for him.

Melanie, having rested her arms on the back of Damien’s chair to overhear the last half of the conversation, gives him a smothering hug and welcomes him to “the quiver” before cackling at Damien’s blank look.

Find a recipro mug, Rowan later scribbles on the bottom of his to-do-list.

At least that job doesn’t involve relatives.

[sbwriel-cymraeg]

Eddie Kaspbrak deserved better.

Let me start with this. IT, written by Stephen King, made into a movie in 2017 and then another in 2019, about a clown with a big forehead, who likes dining on children, and gets his ass kicked by a group of teenage misfits (and then again when said misfits are just about past their midlife crisis). It's a horror, it's creepy and it's gross, now you see, I don't do horrors. I'm an absolute wuss. I can't even walk into a creepy abandoned building without a plank of wood in my hand for protection, and at least two people on either side of me who would obviously be kidnapped first (and that gives me enough time to scream and run away). Anyway, I don't like horrors. So you can probably guess that there was no way in hell, or earth, that I would be watching something that involved a terrifying monster who drools as much as a bulldog (he should seriously get that checked). No way I was going to read the book, as much as I love reading, and wouldn't even consider the original from the 90s although the 90s rules the movie scene (don't argue, we all know Jurassic Park is the best movie of all time). But the thing was, I have a friend, and he can be very persuading (in the form of pizza and snacks) and also, I'm a huge McAvoy fan, and James Ransone, I've never seen that guy before but well, when I saw him in the trailer, hello handsome. And don't get me started on Bill Hader, man do I fancy that bloke... Anyway I'm going off topic. So blah blah, we end up sitting down one night, with our buffet and many cups of tea, and weirdly, we start watching IT Chapter 2 first, because he wanted to see it since it was new. I go into it with no bloody clue what was going on, who was who, why parents would let their kid out in the rain by themselves, or how nobody noticed a load of bodies leaking out of the sewer. I was asking alot of questions. But, here's the thing. Onto the whole point of this rant. Eddie Kaspbrak. Eddie Spaghetti. Eds. The cute, little, angry man who instantly caught my attention (not just by the fact that Mr Ransone is a handsome S.O.B). From the moment he sped down the road in his posh jeep, yelling at other drivers (I feel your pain Eds) to crashing said posh jeep because he was distracted by a phone call (bad Eddie!) He instantly stole my 28 year old, attracted to dark and handsome older men, heart. Of course, I had no clue about these characters, all I saw was cute, angry man, funny dork with glasses, red headed lady, that guy from New Zealand, man who lasted five seconds, handsome librarian, and Professor X, and of course that clown that lives in the drain. So, as the movie went on, Eddie became my number one (Richie following behind in second). I learnt all about him from my friend, and more about him during the film, and couldn't help but feel sorry for the little bastard. He had a wife that I could tell he didn't love who treated him like doodoo, as a kid his dearest mom was overprotective, controlling and gave him freaking placebos to make him think he was ill (the fuck Mrs K?), that made him so nervous about getting sick and paranoid beyond belief, and I mean, his job wasn't the most exciting. Not to mention he has anxiety worse than a nun in a whore house, and was obviously afraid the most out of the group. And then, AND THEN, the film decides to drop some hints about Richie. Ah, dearest Richie, who has perfect taste in men. He's in love with Eddie. In. Freaking. Love with him. You could tell by the way he was so protective of him, constantly made fun of him (we all know that's how dudes get their crushes attention) and of course, R + E. So, of course, nearing the end of the movie, there's me grinning like an idiot, having the thought of Eddie and Richie getting out of the final fight untouched, Richie declaring his undying love for his Eddie Spaghetti, Eddie admitting his feelings for his Trashmouth, getting a kiss in there, Eds declaring he was divorcing him moth- sorry, wife, and the two walking into the sunset to start a new life together, in a nice cottage in the hills, getting married, having three kids, five dogs, ten cats, and living happily ever after. But then, my hopes and dreams were shattered. Stephen, I'm looking at you. They killed Eddie. THEY KILLED EDDIE! EDDIE! Out of all the FREAKING characters they could have booted off, they chose Eddie the rage monster, the little man with a big personality, the least deserving to freaking die in my opinion. Stephen, how could you? How could you?! Why did he have to die? Why did they have to end his life that way? Why couldn't he have a happy ending like the rest of the Losers? Not including Richie of course. Oh no, they didn't just fuck Eddie over, they also fucked over Richie. Killing the love of his life, right after he saves him, bleeding all over his big ass glasses, calling his name softly, looking at him with his big, brown eyes. Yep, Richie probably went home after the Kissing Bridge and thought about Eddie every damn day of his life. But no, they didn't just kill Eddie, oh no no, they went a step further. They left his body to rot in the sewers. Yes Andy, I'm glaring at you, you evil, evil man. They didn't take the route that Mr King took in his book, or from the original IT movie (yes I watched that later on too) no, Mr A decided to have Eddie die all alone whilst the Losers finished off Pennywise, then have Richie go back and see his dead body, freak out and have hope that they can save him, hug him tight, and not let him go. And then, oh boy, and then, they have Mike and Ben literally FORCE Richie off of Eddie, and DRAG him out of the sewers. WITHOUT EDDIE. I'm sorry Mr Andy, but tell me, how could they, Eddie's best friends, the ones who were always there for him, who they loved and adored, leave Eddie there in the sewers, all alone, in the dark, dirty, graveyard that would have had Eddie crying at the thought? It didn't make ANY sense to me. If Ben and Mike had the strength to drag a struggling, six foot something Richie away from Eddie, then surely they could have picked Eddie up between them, and got him out of there. If I was Richie, I would have decked the lot of them, Losers or not. And that's where I got pretty darn mad. Eddie didn't deserve that shit. For one, he didn't deserve to die. And two, he didn't deserve to be left down there, to slowly decay. He should have been pulled out by his friends, Richie could have had a moment with him, Eddie could have been given a funeral where his friends, and especially Richie could have said goodbye. Then, they'd have had somewere where they could memorialise him, go back and place flowers and silly things like inhalers and red shorts on his headstone, have a get together and remember him and talk to him, somewhere where Richie could always go to, knowing that Eddie was put to rest properly, and somewhere were he could sit and cry to himself, remembering all the fucking good times they had as kids and how god damn hard he fell for the crazy little shit. But, nah, we'll just leave him in the sewers, under a collapsed house, somewhere the Losers wouldn't want to visit again, somewhere they can't have a funeral, can't put Eddie to rest, somewhere that has too many bad memories and would remind everyone of how exactly Eddie lost his life. So yeah, you can say I'm pretty mad about all of that. I know he's a fictional character, but damn, he didn't deserve that shit. Neither did Richie. And to make it worse, when I watched the first movie afterwards, Eddie was just as freaking hilarious, and ridiculous as his older self. Little Eddie was a force to be reckoned with, he was definitely still my favourite even as a kid. The dude who played him, huge kudos to him. How could you not like tiny Eddie? It also showed me a lot more about how Eddie grew up, by that I mean how his mother really did treat him, and boy did I hate the fact that he died even more! So yeah, I may have gone off on one a tad... I couldn't help myself, Eddie Kaspbrak has now got a big place in the fictional character side of my heart. Just goes to show just how much actors can make an impact on people's lives, and how real they make them seem! So, I've said my part, and it's pretty obvious what I think about the ending to Mr Spaghetti's story. Encase you didn't get how I feel about it, it sucked. Eddie Kaspbrak should have lived. Should have had a second chance, especially with Richie! Not all movies follow the ending of books, so why did this one have to? Why did Ben and Redhead get to have a happily ever after and Richie and Eddie didn't? Why didn't they at least make his death meaningful and give him the send off he deserved? In other words, Eddie deserved better. That should be the motto of the movie. That's me signing off, I'm going to go be mad somewhere else, because I'll never get over this movie. I'm a huge fan now, but man, the ending was as bad as Bill's endings. Oh and uh, fuck you Pennywise. Oh, also, if anyone's going to Wales Comic con this Saturday (you should, because James Ransone will be there, I know right, what are the chances?) come say hi. I'll be dressed in a yellow raincoat and green wellies, holding a red balloon... Don't ask why, I just like the colours. See you later, Losers.

[culebratia]

Honest opinions on horror villains

Okay so I love horror villains and horror in general. Most of them are really interesting and have a sort of grotesque charm to them that I can’t really describe, it draws you to them and pulls you into wanting more. But there are some horror villains that are either overrated and underrated, and today I’m here to discuss some of them! (I’d like to reiterate that I don’t hate any of these characters, I actually like them all! But I’m just talking in a general perspective and my view on their popularity and the actual movie they come from.)

LESLIE VERNON

* overrated.

* okay, I know, people are going to get upset at me over this. This was an amazing movie, they said. It’s so new and different from the others, they said. And I completely understand that! It’s unique and inventive and I love the whole premise of the movie, but goddamn did it bore me..

* I like Leslie Vernon as a character, but I don’t love him like I do with other characters. He’s cool! I adore his slasher design, but his personality bores me a little bit at times. There are some points where my emotions and feelings on the guy are a little bit like a rollercoaster — up and down, up and down, up and down. It’s crazy.

* once again, I like the concept of his movie, but the way it was presented in a filmmaking point of view is underwhelming.

ART THE CLOWN

* underrated.

* there are three movies I know of with Art in them: The 9th Circle, All Hallow’s Eve and Terrifer. And all of them are equally shit, which is to be expected since it was written and directed by a young guy who specialises in special effects. But damn was Art interesting to watch.

* there are some points in the movies where I think “why couldn’t he have starred in a better made film?” because if that were so, he’d get so much more publicity! Art is an absolutely terrifying demon clown creature, way more scary than Pennywise, and people from around the world should know his name! He’s the only character in all the movies who actually has good actors.

* shitty movie, fantastic character. I hope to see more of him.

MICHAEL MYERS

* overrated by a milestone.

* look, I’m all for Michael Myers. He’s hot, lemme tell you that. But he’s a really boring character. It’s all the same (apart from the 3rd movie)! Michael returns to his hometown to find and kill Laurie, killing a whole other group of people who she happens to be involved with at some time during the movie.

* when I watch a horror movie, I want to have the villain to have some sort of character. At least with Jason, you can see some emotion in him which defines him as a whole! But with Michael? He’s a clean slate, and that is soo uninteresting.

* first two movies were great, others were unneeded honestly.

BILLY LENZ

* underrateeeeed.

* stinky attic boy needs some love. He is what started the slasher genre for peats sake and yet everyone overlooks him as a horror villain. Let me tell you, that phone scene in the beginning was absolutely fucking terrifying when I first watched it, and it’s still unsettling to this day even after I’ve watched it a million fucking times.

* we never even got to see Billy’s face properly throughout the whole movie and yet he made such an impact on everyone who ever watched Black Christmas! And that ending scene? Perfect cliffhanger. (The remake was shit compared to the original)

* great movie, great character, needs more credit.

BRAHMS HEELSHIRE

* overrated.

* bet y’all are shocked at this aren’t you? He’s the character I most often write for. But that’s really because he’s heavily requested. I actually don’t really like him all that much, too much exposure I guess. I mean I have nothing against his character as a whole, he’s attractive to me and interesting but I don’t actually know.

* now the movie is something I do know about though: bullshit. Absolutely terrible. A basic plot line (which isn’t necessarily a bad thing sometimes, it just needs to be played out right) and a director which results to cheap jump scares because apparently that’s ‘scary’. The movie as a whole is so predictable and it never scared me once when I went to watch it at the cinema. I can understand why people like it though.

* decent(?) character, bad movie.

OTIS DRIFTWOOD + family

* underrated.

* okay this might have something to do with my weakness for Bill Moseley, scarily cute women and clowns, but man do I love the Firefly family. Each and every character, even the ones we barely see, within the family is so perfectly polished and unique, and I love Rob Zombie for it. He can’t write dialogue for shit but man do I love his horror villains.

* although the first movie was very confusing at some points. Like, what?? What was with that ending? It was a very good movie in my opinion and was actually pretty horrifying. It used things that disgust us and manipulated that to terrify every single one of its viewers and that’s perfect. Hated the protagonists though.

* fantastic movie, great villains, shitty protagonists,

FREDDY KRUEGER

* overrated.

* now don’t get me wrong, I love Freddy, I grew up loving Freddy. He’s witty and fun to watch, maybe not like Chucky, but after a while he gets so repetitive that it gets really really annoying. Couldn’t they think of something unique and interesting for him to say instead of him just calling everyone a bitch??

* the writing becomes boring after a while, the directors add so many unnecessary features, weaknesses and powers we had no clue even existed up until this very point, and it’s overall not a very good franchise when you get into it. I enjoyed the first and seventh movie a lot, but all of the other ones didn’t really excite me all that much.

* okay character, okay movie, but isn’t worth all the attention.

NUBBINS SAWYER, DRAYTON SAWYER, CHOP-TOP SAWYER + GRANDPA SAWYER

* un👏🏽der👏🏽ra👏🏽ted

* these boys deserve just the same amount of attention that Leatherface does. I know that Bubba is a really cool character, and he deserves attention too! But that doesn’t mean that his family get to be left out. Each and every single one of them helped shape the Texas Chainsaw franchise to what it is today, and honestly it wouldn’t have been as amazing without them in it.

* Texas Chainsaw has so many metaphors within it nobody really goes into. When we first meet Nubbins and he’s kicked out of the van, Franklin very obviously points out “would you be able to do that?” referring to Nubbins slicing his hand up, and later on we see Franklin blowing raspberries at his friends due to the fact that he couldn’t go upstairs because of his disability, which is exactly what Nubbins was doing when he couldn’t get into the van. This area is the director exploring the ways that people could so easily turn into madness without people realising it.

* Drayton Sawyer is your average looking fellow who runs the Sawyer household, but he is not average at all. He’s sadistic, witty, hypocritical, and surprisingly still a Christian. He claims that he “doesn’t like to do the killing” and yet he’s shown constantly poking and prodding at the final girls like they’re some caged animals, living only for the pleasure of himself. The fact that he’s an elderly man basically screams “wolf in sheeps clothing”, because usually when you see an elderly person, you assume them to be kind and wise, whereas, Drayton can’t even spell ‘sex’ correctly.

* Chop-Top wasn’t present in the first movie sadly, but it’s explained why, which is understandable in a filmmaking perspective. He is probably the most terrifying character out of the bunch. He’s impulsive, disgusting, and absolutely fucking insane. Whether or not this is due to his time in Vietnam I don’t know, but man does it make a great affect. And that time in the movie where he was introduced? It was absolutely heavenly. No one in today’s horror industry would build up suspense like that and cause so much raw fear from a petty jump scare. The fact that he carries around his damn brothers corpse like he’s puppet, treating him like he’s still a living being adds onto the scare factor as well.

* great villains, good movies, everything after TCSM2 wasn’t really very good though.

Okay, now that’s over and done with! Let me show you my top ten favourite horror villains (from actual horror movies), you’ll either be completely shocked or completely not! :)

Pinhead — love the creature design. Fantastic personality and concept. Annoyed he’s not a woman.

Bubba Sawyer — baby boy needs love. And affection. And kisses. And basically anything positive. We must protect him.

Chop-Top Sawyer — terrified me when I first saw him as a kid. I wanna fuck Bill Moseley. I love his personality. Wish his movie came out.

Captain Spaulding — funny ass motherfucker. Always cracks me up. I want him to be my daddy.

Hannibal Lecter — interesting in a psychological perspective. Has a way to make your skin crawl without doing much.

Art the Clown — scarier than Pennywise. I wish his movies were better. Why didn’t Terrifier make it obvious he was a demon?

Otis Driftwood — boy’s a hottie. But please stop fucking corpses. Once again, Bill Moseley.

Stu Macher — first fictional crush. He’s my irl type of guy. I dated a guy like him once.

Jennifer Check — movie was ahead of its time. Legit was about having a succubus gf. Lesbian scene was hot. I’m gay for Meagan Fox.

Billy Lenz — terrifying phone calls. Nasty boi. The remakes will never be as great as the OG Black Christmas.

Anyways, so that’s it! It’s past midnight currently so I might just go to bed lol but whatever. I’ve wanted to write this out for a whiiile but decided to just get it over with now. I’ll say it all again: every character I write for, I like, I just have different levels of like, so please no hate over this. Thanks!