#like literally I try to deny it and then I just find myself more reasons that I am like him

[anch-witch]

honestly god really said “oh so you think nobody else is like you huh” and then gave me Shen Qingqiu

[toastsnaffler]

ohhhhh my god girl i don't careeeee

[fortunately-bi]

Do the followers know I'm a metal head? Do they know that I want to be covered in tattoos with an alternative look who listens to obscure metal bands and stuff? Or do I still come off as like, the nerd in the basement lmao

[ncroissant]

HEAR ME OUT ON SUB! HUSBAND! FRANCIS AND DOPPELGÄNGER READER I BEG OF YOU AJAJSHSBDBJSEHE

sub! husband! francis mosses x dom! doppelgänger! gn! reader

summary: phone sex with needy francis mosses (pt. 2 here)

wc: 1.6k

content warning: nsfw, praise, dirty talk, exhibitionism kinda (security camera on him), slight nipple play, masturbation

author's note: thank u for the great ask anon :) i had so many ideas with this one, but this one stuck the most hehe >:) sorry for literally taking so long on this, writer's block is a bitch!! hope you guys enjoyed this one !! not proofread, minors pls dni !!

it was just a quick one-two, in and out of this man's apartment.

you just needed a reason to stay in this person's apartment until you established your place. you'd act like his loving, doting partner, working their job then living their best life. that was the plan.

but here you were, complaining about their life like it was yours.

things were getting boring in the security office. there was no one to deny because you let your fellow doppelgängers in. plus, it was a weekend so no one wanted to be home today.

in contrast, something you did like about living your copy's life was your new husband. he'd come home earlier from deliveries just to wait for you to come through the front door. dinner ready, table set, plants watered. he was such a sweetheart, always tending to your needs.

unexpectedly, as domineering as he seemed, he was actually more needy in the bedroom. always needing guidance, extra attention and someone to boss him around. that's what got his dick rising.

so when you decided to phone his apartment, knowing it was off day, he was quick to pick up.

"hi dovie! how's work?" he had a little lilt in his voice, acting like he didn't stamper to the phone, knowing it was you. he wasn't one to give out his apartment number.

you chuckled at his speedy response, leaning back in your chair. "hi lover boy. it's going..." you trailed off, checking the window for any customers. "you miss me?"

"mhm. always miss you," he nodded, holding the phone tightly in his grasp. "when're coming home, hm?" like a puppy waiting for its owner to come home.

"miss you too, honey. my shift ends at 6. three more hours to go!" you cheered sarcastically, staring at the clock as you watched the hands tick. "you alright all by yourself?" you asked, pulling out a notepad.

you had a habit of doodling when francis spoke, he always loosened up when it came to you. "kinda. i miss you lots though. think 'm gonna read a book later," he rambled, though there was a distinct sound of rustling on his side.

"is that so? what book where you thinking of reading?" you placed the phone between your chin and shoulder, trying to find a pen. it was silent for a bit, but the rustling persisted. "francie? you still there?"

"oh, sorry," he cleared his throat, almost as if he was snapping himself out of a trance. "mmm, i-i don't know..." he was huffing softly, you could almost feel him breathing in your ear through the phone.

you were quick to put two and two together. "francie...are you doing something you shouldn't be doing?"

he almost let out a whimper, the rustling making much more sense. "'m sorry..." he sighed, the noisiness of his end coming to a full stop. "i-i was touchin' myself..."

as if it wasn't obvious already: his panting, his rustling. "'s okay, honey. do you need help?" he flushed at your suggestion, toying with the zipper on his slacks.

"b-but you're at work. don't wanna distract you," he mumbled, his thighs squeezing together at the thought of you guiding him to an orgasm.

"work's slow today. entertain me, honey," you chuckled, your laugh making his ears tingle. "want me to help you cum, hm?"

he nodded, forgetting that you couldn't see him. the blush on his face travelled from his ears to his cheeks, down to his neck and back. it was a sight you'd pay to see. "is your cock still in your hand, honey?"

"no, i was just rubbing through my pants..." he shyly confessed, feeling his bulge throb.

"m'kay, take off your pants and underwear and hold out your cock," you instructed, completely abandoning your doodles. "tell me what you were doing to yourself while i was talkin' to you, honey."

you heard shuffling against, fabric against skin. "mmm, well, hearin' y'r voice made my tummy feel funny. then i felt my cock feel tight in m'pants, hngh," he explained, his zipper quickly freeing his cock.

"s-so then i jus' started touching myself a lil'. just through my pants 'n shirt, nothin' else!" he defended himself, but his revelation made you smirk.

"playing with your chest too, hm?" you repeated, a wide grin plastered on your face. "is your cock in your hand now?"

"mhm!"

his hand was gripping at the base of his cock, squeezing it to get some sort of friction. he was kneeling on the couch, legs slightly spread, his balls rubbing against the cool leather underneath.

"why don't you start making yourself feel good, honey? stroke it nice and slow for me, yeah?" you cooed.

he did as you said, no questions asked, stroking at his already hard cock as slowly as he could. "'n then why not you keep playing with your chest for me too? since you had no problem doing it earlier."

"mngh...o-okay...!" he squeaked, his hips rutting into his hand. he quickly placed a hand on his chest, rubbing his nub with a waving hand motion. "o-ooh! 's so-"

"you really like that, huh? like when people play with your perky chest," you taunted, feeling your own chest feel heated.

you almost wanted to join him, but the security cameras in your office made you think otherwise. "i wanna go up there and fuck you, honey. you like that too?" you whispered, making him moan.

"mhm, mhm! c-come up, hn, please!" he begged, his hand picking up its pace. his slick was sticking to his hand, slowly gathering at the tip of his cock. "miss you, dovie! miss you lots, aagh!"

you could only imagine how pathetic he looked. legs spread, weeping cock in hand, nipples poking through his shirt. he would be waiting for you so patiently, waiting for you to come home with his cock rubbing against the carpet floors.

you felt yourself leaning too far forward, accidentally pressing a random button on your panel. francis' moans filled your ears, but a certain image popped up on the security camera feed.

your husband on full display.

"francie, can you look to your left a little?" you ushered him to look towards the camera in disbelief at your discovery.

he obeyed your orders almost instantly, making you smile. he was in the direction of the camera, but not looking at it directly. he was completely unaware of the it, as much as you were.

but despite the strangeness of it all, you wanted to use it to your advantage.

"lay on your back f'me, honey. make sure your legs are spread wide open," you instructed, watching him meekly get into position. "i want that shirt unbuttoned and your pants to your ankles."

he hastily got undressed, his hand cupping his left breast. you wanted to cum at the sight of your pretty husband all open up from you, waiting for your next command.

"what's next, dovie? what do you want to do to me?" he innocently asked, his freehand hooking under his thigh to pull it up to his chest.

you grinned evilly, looking at the lewd position he was in, fantasizing what you should do next. "i want you to keep stroking at your cock, and playing with your chest."

and he followed instructions so well. he'd stick his fingers in his mouth before rolling his spit covered digits around his nipple. then he'd stroke at his cock, the desperation to cum more evident on his face.

the way his brows knits and sweat rolled down his temples made it clear that he was close. all this while the phone was wedge between his shoulder and ear, making every moan very audible.

"don't slow down, honey. i need you to keep stroking until you cum." you scolded, seeing how tired his wrist was getting as he got closer.

"o-oooh 'kay! 'm t-tryin' my best, haaagh! hand's getting a lil' tired, dovie, mmngh!" his lewd moans slipped out, as his hips shook from the speed he was stroking at.

his eyes were screwed shut, drool dripping down his lips at the thought of you praising him. "'m cumming soon, dovie! h-have to cum soon, unngh!" he panted, fucking into his fist.

you chuckled at his desperation, closely looking at your husband squirming on the couch, curtains wide open for the world to see the little slut you were hiding away.

"'m not seeing you pinching your nipples, honey," you scolded, making him tense up.

he did what you asked for, tugging at the tips of his nubs, but your comment made his dick tighten. "hnnnghh! y-you can see me?" his back arched against the couch, the view of his dick getting closer to the overhead security cam.

"o-oooGHH! c-CUMMING! cumming, dovie! 's coming out, hnnnghhh!" he exclaimed, cum shooting out of his tip, staining the entirety of his face and the couch.

although the feed was in black and white, you could see the splotches of cum that coated your couch and the way his clothes darkened from the wetness.

"such a good boy, honey. did so well f'me," you praised, chuckling at the way he twitched in his spot, unmoving. "you g'na wait until i get up there and fuck you properly, huh?"

he nodded mindless, huffing loudly into the phone.

suddenly, someone walked up to the window. "entry request and id, please," you disregarded the lewd image in front of you, returning back to your job.

he felt himself cum again just from the sight of your professionalism. you were so sexy when you were on the job. his orgasm came too quicky, his cock throbbing at the loss of cum.

"n-need you to f-fuck me, dovie, hn..." francis moaned into the phone, making you blush. you mindlessly looked through the person's papers, paying no mind to accuracy.

you let them through with no questions before gripping at the phone. "'m leavin' early. just for you, francie," you growled into the phone, feeling yourself get worked up.

"be ready in 5. i'm comin' up."

[bolognamayhem117]

Hot Take: Astarion does NOT hate flowers. You just missed a few subtle hints through Act 1 and early Act 3.

Astarion's negativity is directed toward just about anything remotely pleasant as you move through early act three, starting the moment you leave Wyrm's Rock. First thing after Gortash's coronation he marvels near tears at the colors of the city in daylight. If you ask if he's alright, it pisses him off.

There's other instances I can't quite remember but he's a straight crank throughout early Act 3 and it took me several hours of gameplay to have a lightbulb moment about his newly crappier attitude.

He just spent the last two hundred years seeing everything in the overwhelmingly warm dim tones of indoor lighting via sconces, rushlights, and braziers, or the dingy blue gray of moonlight outside. Daylight colors are something he had more than a lifetime to forget and now that he has a chance to remember that vibrancy in his own home town, he knows he's going to have to forget it all over again either by death or by remaining a vampire spawn forever. The worm isn't going to live rent free in his head forever, and killing Cazador to ascend in his place likely feels like an insurmountable and impossible fight against a literal titan who could stomp him flat without a corm of effort.

He doesn't hate flowers, he hates EVERYTHING right now because it's all going away very soon and if he convinces himself he hates everything then he won't miss it when it's all gone again. He was denied this for two hundred years and he's PISSED at what was stolen from him and PISSED it's all going away again.

He behaved similarly in Act 1 about anyone besides him enjoying physical intimacy. Some of this content was cut, to my best knowledge, but the overwhelming majority of his dialog addressing the PC romancing anyone but him are negative or backhanded. This is for two reasons, I think. A: his Simple Plan just dissolved right before his eyes when you chose someone else which in his mind means he has zero safety net, and EVERYONE gets to enjoy sex (key wording being ENJOY, not simply having) except him... And it pisses him off.

He also gleefully interrupts the bug bear and the ogress, I think for the same reason as the above paragraph, being: If he doesn't get to enjoy intimacy neither do they.

He reacts with anger and disgust at anything he's being unfairly denied. Which... That's fair. His feelings are valid, but his reaction to it is pretty shitty and meanspirited.

The other companions I tend to keep in my party, (that is Lae'zel, Halsin, Karlach, and Wyll) however, are actually appearing to behave pretty patiently with him in Act 3 which I find interesting.

In the instance with the flowers Karlach doesn't bother trying to convince him otherwise of his opinion, she just tells him how they make her feel instead and rather than getting snippy or doubling down he more or less agrees to disagree. I also don't recall anyone disagreeing with Astarion during Gale's last quest tasks when he mentioned that he quit praying to gods who wouldn't hear him a long time ago but to be fair, I think the gods did everybody in this crew dirty and they all know it. It seems like they're consciously giving him the space to be mad about things, is what I'm saying.

Everyone I know including myself who crawled out of a long-term hot garbage situation kinda went wild for a bit with freedom, spoke poorly, behaved strangely, had extreme emotional reactions to things, and made some particularly terrible choices. I think that's just a part of recalibrating yourself, healing and learning how to be okay again.

Point is, I wouldn't conflate too many of the turbo-negative things he says with how he actually feels about anything. We certainly know what he says and what he feels are two very different things.

[preeningpisces]

Gojo NSFW Headcanons

Lemme know if you want me to elaborate/write something about any of these 🩵

I make fun of him a lot in these, I couldn't stop myself I'm afraid

18+ content below the cut, mdni, implied chubby f!reader

◉ We all know he’s a tease, he runs on bastard energy. There may or may not have been a few incidents where he denied too much, took too long, and legit made your pussy dry up—you never let him forget when it happens too. Good, knock this bitch down a peg

◉ Speaking of peg, I think we as a community have agreed this guy is a switch. Being the strongest & always having to be in control makes giving up control appealing & relieving for a lot of ppl, Gojo included

◉ In fact, I think you get the most emotional reactions from Gojo when he’s being submissive because he trusts you & is free to loosen up the tight hold he has over himself. So mushy gushy

◉ Literally does not stfu in bed—he just streams his consciousness when he’s having sex. Everything in his mind just comes out. Which sometimes leads to ridiculous scenarios, like the time he accidentally moaned pizza because he was hungry

◉ Goofy-ass man in bed, but he can be very serious & intense too when he wants to be—yum

◉ Loves loves loves quickies, especially if you’re wearing a skirt and the risk of his cum rolling down your thigh is present. Especially loves it when you're all 'Satoru, we can't do it here >:[' and he relents, and then a few moments later you go '....well, i mean maybe we can just makeout a bit,' and then suddenly he's fingering you, and you're giving him a handjob. Whoops

◉ A live male-whimpering asmr audio, he is noisy af in bed like he doesn’t try to keep quiet at ALL. This makes sneaky sex in public places super stressful, you gotta gag him with his blindfold more often than not

◉ Also likes role play, especially corny porn tropes, like “oh no, I can’t pay for my pizza“ 10/10 super fun time. Y'all are giggling the whole time

◉ Pretty much willing to try anything once, within reason. Has a high sex drive, but isn't too picky about what you do. Very spontaneous, and instinctive--all do, no think. This means there isn’t really a strict ‘I’m dom your sub now’ approach to sex, you two just go with the flow. Sometimes it changes often in one encounter, other times it doesn’t change at all

◉ Bad habit of tearing your clothes off. He’s too excited, and of course he can buy you a new one, so why does it matter?

◉ If he’s blindfolding you, he has to wear his blindfold too; he just thinks it’s too funny. Pretends he can’t see & intentionally misses and feels around like a loser. “I can’t find your pussy!” in an awful Velma impression. God I hate him

◉ I’m sorry I can’t stop thinking of stupid scenarios in bed with him LMFAO

◉ Is a slut and sends you pics all the time, tho sometimes it’ll just be his balls at odd angles for funsies (I literally can’t stop I’m sorry)

◉ Very grope-y. You’ll just be minding your business when this lanky menace comes up behind you, and feels up all your soft parts. He just enjoys squeezing, and kneading anywhere you’re squishy

◉ Unfortunately, he is one of those types that will pinch your belly or love handles, intending it to be flirty. It makes you think he’s poking fun at you, at least in the early stages of your relationship. Eventually you accept he’s doing it because he likes touching you everywhere. I’d say he’ll be respectful and stop touching you, but I’m sorry I don’t think he would tbh 😭 this is why gege murked him

[slasher-male-wife]

Horror characters taking care of their sick s/o

I'm in my sick Victorian boy era. I'm being dramatic because I have a mild case of the flu. I need to write something to keep myself sane so why not write for some characters I haven't written about for awhile.

Includes: Amanda Young, Adam Faulkner, Will Graham, Hannibal Lecter, and Pyramid head

Warnings: Reader is sick, some of these characters aren't super smart, mentions of vomit and medication, vague talk of cannibalism and violence

Amanda Young

Amanda has basic medical knowledge and when she sees you getting sick she's quick to get you to stay in bed and will be a little overbearing. She's been taking care of John for awhile and seeing her partner sick makes her very worried.

She's going to spend any free time she has taking care of you. She knows you're going to be fine but that's not going to stop her from becoming your personal nurse.

She wants to avoid using medication unless a doctor tells her to use them. She thinks because medication isn't working for John that must mean it won't really work for you.

She knows to keep some distance but she's still going to be around you and touch you. She might intentionally spend more time around you then get closer to Hoffman to try and get him sick.

She might talk to Lawrence about what she should be doing and your symptoms. If you know that she's a jigsaw apprentice she'll introduce you to him as her coworker. But if you don't she'll either bribe him into seeing you or just take his advice.

She is reminded of what happened at the gas house and if you're sick enough that you start to throw she'll need to leave the room and probably spend some time to compose herself. I strongly believe that what jigsaw did to her really messed her up but she denies it.

Adam Faulkner

Oh my god if he finds out you're sick I hope you're ready for him to try and help but honestly just make a fool of himself.

You're hopefully not living in his apartment anymore and depending on your temperature and the weather he's going to keep your bedroom window open because "fresh air helps".

He thinks that he doesn't have to keep space from you because you're dating and he probably ends up getting sick himself. But no matter how much you tell him to stay away so he doesn't get sick he won't listen.

While he's out working (probably for jigsaw) he'll leave out medication for you to take, food you can heat up or just eat cold, and probably gives you anything you need to stay entertained.

If you call him for anything he's dropping whatever he's doing to go help you. You have to literally tell him several times that he doesn't have to rush home and you can stay on your own while he works.

He probably doesn't have any insurance just by judging his apartment so unless you absolutely need to see a doctor he's going to be the one taking care of you.

Will Graham

His medical knowledge is better than some people in these head canons but it's still not the best. I feel like if it's anything than a mild case of the cold or the flu he's taking you to a doctor.

Probably looks up if human illnesses can transfer to dogs. Either way he's keeping his dogs away from you until you feel better.

Will not let you out of bed unless you're going to the bathroom. He deals with blood and guts for a living so dealing with someone who's sick is probably a vacation for him.

Will is going to try to keep Hannibal away from you while you're sick for so many reasons. But Hannibal is probably going to end up seeing you anyway because Will is going to cave.

If the weather and your health allows he's going to take you outside for fresh air like you're a consumption patient from 1912. He will let his dogs around you if you're outside.

Will guilt Jack into letting him stay home for a few days to take care of you. He is going to bring up everything Jack has ever done to him. "Hey Jack I need to stay home to take care of my partner. I know you'll let me take it off since you made me work while I had ensyphilitis."

Hannibal Lecter

He's a literal doctor but also a fucking weirdo so be careful. He'll still take good care of you but will also take the time to get into philosophical discussions with you while you're half asleep.

He refuses to give you anything store bought to eat. Will literally make crackers and break from scratch for you to eat. He'll lay off on the human meat until you're better.

Will not allow you to use one of his bowls as a "throw up bowl" You're using the bathroom to do so, he doesn't care if you accidentally vomit on his floors because he can clean the floor, but his bowls are too valuable.

He won't let you spend all day looking at screens. Hannibal will provide you with any kind of entertainment you want to get you off screens for awhile. He will get you whatever books you want or any other low energy activity.

Will insist on keeping your space clean. Will wash your sheets often and insists on giving you a bath, the temperature depending on if you have a fever or not.

He will keep a sort of distance from you but will also be near you. He will take precautions of course but he can't stop himself from spending time in your room, talking with you.

Pyramid head

He has little knowledge of human illnesses, because he's a demi god of sorts he never really gets sick. So when he sees you get cold sweats or start having a bad cough he's confused about why it's happening. '

You'll have to educate him on your condition and tell him what he needs to do to help you. I don't think there's any medication you can take in silent hill but he can probably find you something to help.

He also probably can't get sick so he doesn't have to worry about getting too close to you. If you try to pull away from him to hide your cough or sneeze he'll just pull you back. Even if he did get a cold from you he'd get over it pretty quickly.

He'll honestly want to be pretty touchy all the time even when you're not sick because he's never had human contact before. You'll probably have to explain to him that cuddling isn't the best thing when you have a fever.

He's going to try and get you as comfortable as possible while he's busy doing Pyramid Head stuff. It all depends on your condition and you'll have to explain to him what you need.

He also doesn't really understand germs so you'll have to explain them to him and why you need to keep yourself and your area clean and why you can't just throw up anywhere. After that he'll get you something to use for that then just throw it somewhere.

[ladykakata]

I just saw your post about ian’s disorder and how it distorts his reality and makes him question why mickey remains in his life and you really hit the nail on the head. people rarely talk about gallavich’s relationship battles from ian’s perspective unless it’s to criticise him and I think a lot of people find it difficult to relate to his issues ig? but mood disorders go hand in hand with anxiety, identity and confidence issues. but I also think its a writing issue because so little of ian’s experiences with his illness comes from his own perspective. so it makes sense the audience tends to sympathise more with mickey because we don’t get to see ian’s personal struggle or his reasoning for certain behaviors and s10 is one of the rare examples where he got to explain his issues and the audience still couldn’t understand. sorry this is ranty lol but I’m just happy to see more meta that defends some of ian’s actions 😊

Thank you <3 It makes me sad to see so many comments practically demonise Ian, and while Ian DOES do questionable things, he's no more or less blameless than Mickey.

A comment on my post mentioned that Ian fought for Mickey just as much as Mickey fought for Ian ... in the early seasons. Remember, Mickey literally beat Ian up in frustration over the situation with Svetlana and the forced marriage. Does him attacking Ian get him off the hook for what he did? No. Does it justify it? No. It's context, not justification, which can be two entirely different things. Ian refused to let Mickey go, he loved Mickey and was visibly heartbroken at the idea his man was slipping away, even if Mickey was trying to cover up his own upset by acting aggressively. Stans might paint Ian as in the wrong again, saying he should have been supportive of Mickey going through the forced marriage and understanding it's not as 'easy' as Ian makes it sound for Mickey to just deny his father. But bearing in mind, their relationship was still very young, Ian knows Terry is a disgusting and violent man, but the sense of doom and horror is not the same unless you've grown up with it and lived it like Mickey.

Ian fought for Mickey. And Mickey fought for Ian during his bipolar struggles. Keeping score is NOT wise in relationships, so I wouldn't call this keeping score, more them trading places in who is asking the other to stay or saying they love the other during dark times.

Another point is that this was all before Ian's bipolar condition really started to manifest, so Mickey must have been even more confused that the man who was distraught over him entering a meaningless marriage was suddenly pulling away and questioning his devotion. Emotional permanence is difficult in a lot of conditions, again I am not bipolar myself but DO have pretty erratic emotional issues that mean I can go from feeling adored to feeling like the scum of the Earth everyone hates, and there's the persistent background hum of feeling unwanted that's lifelong. Ian gets a triple-hit in that he's a middle child (younger than Fiona and Lip, older than Carl, Debbie and Liam), he's inherited Monica's bipolar disorder and his chronically unstable home life tends to lead to the idea of feeling wanted by his parents and forgotten by most. I wouldn't be surprised if he felt like his mother just rejected him/abandoned him considering how often she is gone, Frank has literally attacked him unprovoked and it was only when he grew in height and gained some confidence he really started to push back, and he is neither the baby of the family nor the parent figures that Fiona and Lip were forced to be. The people he tends to form relationships with tended to lean towards lust with no real chance at a stable, happy relationship (Kash, a married man with children, and Ned, who is the same albeit Jimmy is an adult) before Caleb and Trevor, which wouldn't surprise me if he again subconsciously thought he was disposable.

I guess I'm picking up on the side effects of Ian's neurodivergence, and it pairs with a comment remarking on how people are supportive of mental health disorders until their effects affect them, then suddenly everything is unacceptable. Again, some of Ian's actions are not justified - I'm once again referring to him baiting Mickey into a physical fight by calling him slurs - but he himself explains why he did it. Mickey looked past it, and I do wonder if he's realising that yeah ... Ian, the man HE knew and who was proudly gay with very little tolerance for homophobia, suddenly turning around and calling him slurs was incredibly out of character and likely another moment of Ian's brain lashing out.

Ian did negative things to Mickey, and he should apologise. Just as Mickey has done things to Ian and should apologise. One is not better than the other. Mickey's reasons for doing things can lie with his upbringing, PTSD and circumstances, Ian's reasons can lie with bipolar disorder, his upbringing and circumstances. But they are still well-intentioned for each other, and I think they do help bring out the best in each other.

[drdemonprince]

Any chance you'd expand on the hank hill trans guy post? (Sorry, best indicator I could come up with.) The concept interests me as I decidedly know my maleness, yet don't feel impeded by for the most part, any male gendered norms/boxes. I am fairly masculine, though I rarely use those kinds terms to describe myself. I have found I often do stray outside of what society pushed for me when I transitioned, yet I again do not feel it has taken from my right to maleness whatsoever. I am just me, who happens to be male. I have had friends try and suggest I am NB adjacent but I do not feel this way whatsoever. I feel more people are outliers to gender expectation than we care to admit and it's disappointing the way cis-people deny that. Hope this wasn't too long winded, I value your writing and perspective, and wanted to hear more of your thoughts on this.

Yeah, well so many things all get conflated by gender labels, and it's all so personal, you know? Masculinity does not have to mean maleness, and a person's gender identity might be a reflection of some innate quality they experience themselves as having, or a general summary of their tendencies, or their desired presentation, or their sense of affinity with other people, or an interpersonal tool, or something they just go along with because it was given to them by society, or any other number of things.

I think my recent substack piece on detransition goes into this pretty well, and I have an upcoming piece of what @pastimperfection calls "bilateral dysphoria" that comes out next week that delves into it too.

I think I mostly saw taking on a male identity as a means to an end more than any kind of innate reflection of who I was, though I did feel an affinity with effeminate men for a lot of reasons. I think I also discounted how much I have in common with my fellow nonbinary people of all stripes, because that identity became so strongly associated with being an annoying type of queer person that everybody else just wrote off as ultimately being their assigned gender at birth anyway no matter how much they protested. it doesn't help that 'nonbinary' is a catchall term for literally thousands if not millions of very distinct experiences and desires.

transitioning gave me control over how i was perceived, finally, but hormones are a throttle that only go in one very specific direction, and you don't really have all that much control over which changes kick in at which times and what people will make of you once you do start registering to them as some identity other than what you were first saddled with. it's an incredible gift to be able to toggle that throttle. but it's limited, not because medical transition isn't incredible and needed for so many, but because there is no escaping the goddamned binary cissexist logic that influences everything about how people treat you, how you navigate institutions, who finds you desirable and what they want out of you, and so much else.

if you're able to cast a lot of the external societal bullshit aside and feel strong in your maleness, maybe you're stronger than me or maybe our orientation to these things is just different, i don't know. i was never all that sensitive to feedback that i was doing the whole being-a-woman-thing all that wrong. i reveled in violating those rules to an extent. succeeding at being a woman despite my best attempts was what felt super dysphoric. and now i guess im succeeding at being a man, insofar as im always read as one, and it feels just as uncomfortable and objectifying and false. i thought that with manhood i could probably just grit my teeth and deal with it, but i'm finding that i can't.

ive always been very open that for me, gender is a thing I Do, and i guess to those who know me well it wouldnt be surprising to hear that i have gotten tired of Doing Being a Man and dont feel like playing that particular gendered game anymore. I tend to get bored of things! and find the flaws in things. and find my comfort in being fault-finding and contrarian and not being a joiner. and thats okay. i learned a lot along the way. not having to try any more is a huge relief. i can just do whatever. and know actively that people will more often than not be wrong in what they make of me.

maybe it was natural feeling for you to decidely 'know' your maleness without a care for masculine standards because that is the right identity for you! and maybe i only feel secure in the "not knowing" realm and in letting go of what people think of me or finding any kind of tidy categorization for it because that's the right spot for me. for now. until i find a new interesting way to be unhappy and striving for more and different again. :) that's just part of being alive, for me.

[sophie-frm-mars]

Hi Sophie! In light of the genocide in Palestine and the conspiracies around it, do you have any thoughts on how to avoid conspiracy thought?

You pointed out in Conspiracy on the Left that conspiracists will often switch from using language that recognizes incentives and structures, to language that indicates direct malice and intent. I've seen this in real time with Zionism where people will stop using it as a term to describe the ideology and actions of Israel and America (economic and military interests, the historical inertia of the british empire, the interest of capital and western nations using Israel as a base in the Middle East), to using it as a placeholder for jews (people accusing individual people (usually american) of attempting to silence voices with media platforms)

I was gonna say I find this one really straightforward, but at the same time I myself have actually rushed into condemnations of Israel that gave too much leniency to antisemitic ideas, so there probably is a bit more to it. I'll get to it

Firstly, the straightforward part of it is that there are jews all around the world who absolutely fucking despise israel and its genocidal project, so even saying "Israel doesn't represent jews" is too mild. Israel actively denies citizenship to ethiopian jews for instance. I think the main thing is to recognise it for what it is - an outpost of imperialist white supremacy in the Middle East - and to recognise Zionism as a primarily American and imperial core phenomenon rather than a jewish one.

Once you have those ideas down it's pretty easy to separate it out because assuming that any jewish person or org supports Israel just because they're jewish is clearly antisemitic. But here's the rub, Israel uses jewish identity as a shield to justify its actions. At the same time that there are illegal settlers literally giving interviews saying "I describe myself as a fascist" the Israeli state claims that Hamas reads Mein Kampf and that Palestinians are literal Nazis. Not only that but Israeli statesmen use references to things like Amalek to signal their genocidal intentions, basically using the cultural references of Judaism to simultaneously hide behind and also attack.

Where I fell into something antisemitic was when I found out about the IDF cumjacker squad, the guys who go out to get the semen of Israel's fallen dead. the Jizzrael Defence Force if you will. Someone who was talking about it said that the justification had some kind of origin in the hebrew bible and I parroted this without thinking until a jewish friend pulled me up on it. There was no source and there was frankly no reason to repeat it even if it had been true, right? but I got carried away. The reality is that the cumjacker battalion exists for the same reason as sterilisation & organ harvesting programs, because Israel is a Starship-Troopers-Ass fascist nightmare state that sees the bodies of the pure and good as essential to the domination of the future and the bodies of the impure and wrong as wretched at worse and resources at best.

How I think we can avoid the trap of sharing these rhetorical points is by remembering what Israel's relationship to judaism is, which is primarily as a shield. "Shoot and Cry" is the phrase to remember. Israeli Prime Minister Golda Meir said "We can forgive them for killing our children but we can never forgive them for making us kill theirs". This bogus remorse over their genocide of palestinians (because they understand genocide because of the holocaust, see?) and constant preemptive counterattack (Amalek attacked Israel first, see) is the place where Israel touches base with jewish identity, but if you can't see any benefit to Israel's strategy in association with jewish identity, it's likely someone is just trying to say The Jews instead of Israel or repeating the talking point of someone who is.

[alyceinwonderland777]

I don't know about you, but I find it very funny that with the TVA guards killed by Sylvie this person understands that they were variants kidnapped from their timelines and indoctrinated but for some reason can't do the same thing with Mobius. The TVA guards pruned millions of people and erased millions of timelines and didn't care, but once they realized what was happening they attempted to fix their mistakes. It also makes me laugh that this person believes that Mobius came to help "only to save his own skin" when in reality he was pruned on Ravonna's orders precisely because he rebelled against the TVA. If he had only wanted to save his own skin he wouldn't have rebelled since it would have been the easiest way. We literally saw him steal Ravonna's TemPad because he was suspicious and by watching C-20's interrogation he discovered the truth about the TVA, which was that every one of its employees, including Mobius, was a variant that had been kidnapped, had their memory erased and was indoctrinated.

It's really funny that this person is mad at Mobius even though it's canon that he was indoctrinated but at the same time defends the TVA guards killed by Sylvie, who did horrible things because of the indoctrination, blatantly only because they can use them to belittle Sylvie.

It's fine to hate one or more fictional characters, but at least try not to be hypocritical because you just look ridiculous. I myself have repeatedly criticized Mobius' behavior and said that Lokius as a ship makes more sense in Season 2 than in Season 1 given that in Season 2 Mobius is truly on Loki's side and treats him with respect, but I have never denied that he was indoctrinated, also because it's CANON.

People like this person are the reason we nerds are still seen as a bunch of losers. 🙄

[cinnamonest]

I just realized that I forgot to send what I wrote to the translator, so I'm writing again .I really like the ideas of a dear with such poor eyesightthat she can hardly see beyond a couple of centimeters . This is very convenient for Yandere, because if she behaves badly, they just need to take off their glasses. + makes an escape attempt very difficult Sorry to write this again 😭

You're fine! I actually know like a very small amount of Russian so I was like trying to challenge myself to read without using Google and managed to recognize a few words which was fun 🤭

And that's literally me, I remember the first time I went to the eye doctor as a teen and tested my sight he was literally so baffled he outright asked me "how have you gotten by this long like this" 💀💀

---

Obviously the worst would be either Kaeya or Childe because they find your impairment very cute and will make your life all the worse for it. Taking your glasses away is not even so much as a means of control for Childe, he just genuinely finds it funny and endearing to watch you struggle. It's just one of many things he does to mess with you, along with putting things you need way out of your reach and hiding your stuff and making you do favors or say sweet (and embarrassing) things to him to get it back. Because it's less a control thing and more pure amusement, though, he's more likely to occasionally relent and give it back to you when you need it.

For Kaeya its both control and amusement, so the same is not true — in fact, he most likely outright throws them away for good. Anything you really need that your natural vision prevents, he can just do for you, and now you'll be forced to ask nicely. But he absolutely will do little things to mess with you.

Diluc just decides you've seen enough for one lifetime. Off they go. You wake up one day and they're not where you set them down and he just shrugs off any accusations from you, but doesn't deny them. It's actually a part of his borderline obsessive fixation with moulding you the perfect wife-y version of you he's constructed in his head. That version of you has no need for them. What do you need good vision for? Seeing things?? Looking at other people?? Navigating the world outside? None of these are approved activities. You don't really need great vision for cooking and cleaning and laying on your back with open legs and other more suitable things. You'll adjust just fine.

If you're farsighted and really want to read a book (which, as long as it's approved reading material, is fine, ideal even as it's a sedentary activity), you may ask very nicely and you may temporarily have them back. You can, however, "negotiate" with him by making it backfire on him, such as "accidentally" getting juice confused with rat poison you give to him. Do this sort of thing enough times and he may relent to let you have them a little bit more often... but still only with permission.

Albedo is actually similar to Childe and Kaeya in that he finds it amusing. He's just not as outwardly teasing about it, rather, he tends to quietly observe with a faint smirk watching you struggle. Him taking them away shouldn't really come as a surprise though, seeing as he's the worst candidate for limiting your capabilities in general. Like, having your glasses taken away actually kind of pales in comparison to being rendered permanently lame or having your entire body temporarily paralyzed when you're being mean to him. He already takes every conceivable opportunity to render you as helpless and dependent as possible, this is just another aspect of that, and the primary reason for doing so. Doesn't mean he doesn't also find it cute, though. He's just not going to outwardly say anything to belittle you about it... unless you're being bad, in which case, a few dry-humored jabs might be warranted.

But most surprisingly, Baizhu of all people has the audacity to use it to his advantage. Total betrayal from someone you would have thought understood Universal Glasses-Haver Solidarity. But perhaps that is why he does it, he knows just how inconvenient and limiting it can be, thereby viewing it as a fairly strong leverage in his favor. Besides, you did earn it when you tried to poison him. Have fun reading labels on the medicinal jars on high shelves now.

Should you ever bring up the inherent hypocrisy of keeping you deprived, he merely says it was a necessary act for your own well-being and his alike. He has a tendency to bounce back and forth between how strict he is — he has a soft spot for you and wants to be lenient and trusting, but his self-awareness of his own physical condition and potential weaknesses make him paranoid enough that once he's decided on something like that, he likely won't go back on the decision.

[smallestdogswilldie]

ok you know what makes me sad. as like a former self proclaimed misandrist man hater that would cry and scream about how much it sucks to live in a mans world etc etc etc put estrogen in the water fountains (was never a terf. yall can still die)

for anyone who is still… like that… how can you live in that hatred and misery every day. are women paid less yes are we denied reporductive care by old fart men who are going senile and some by some middle aged women yes. are men statistically like responsible for almost all violent crime and child crimes yes. the more you focus on this shit JUST TO GET MAD ? No ACTION? your fucking soul will get torn apart. genuienly whats the fucking point of just sitting in a circle and hating men. its such a stupid fucking “personality trait” to GENUINELY hate all men sorry babe but you are self harming your soul is shriveling. im sorry please cope. i dated a “””bi””” man because i “hated straight men” for 2 1/2 years…

tldr i hated “masculine” men so much i ended up in a loveless touch deprived relationship with a man who wouldnt touch me because he was actually gay (didnt feel the need to tell me this for 2 1/2 years..) nothing wrong with that but you see where my hatred of MASCULINITY landed me. in a relationship that was about to kill me from stress trying to figure out why i was untouchable because i chose the most feminine man in the midwest to date. hitting myself with sticks in the forest hoping someone would come kill me all because i refused to date a straight man. SWORE never to date a straight man. then i fucking did and hes normal. are they all? not at all. maybe i got lucky but im sorry. girls who are attracted to men but hate them genuinely just are in a cycle of not knowing how to pick them or of unresolved trauma. its on you to fix that. are they going to say sorry? no 😂 so YOU fix it because we all have to.

are the majority of straight cis men uneducated, rude, bigoted and kind of stupid? yes! literally yes. if you feel some type of way or anger towards men because of trauma i ABSOLUTELY understand. but we still gonna need a therapist tho girl. i cant even feel bad if you don’t address your issues and spew hatred at half the population for no other reason than to hear your own voice, and making no effort to heal yourself.

i like to believe, ground breaking statement here, that some straight men are actually great fucking people with manners and decorum and emotional intelligence. do you have to risk it to find them? yes. is it worth it? yeah. 1000000x over. there is beauty in TRUSTING SOMEONE. if they hurt you? ok ouch! do whatever has to be done to keep loving. you cannot shut yourself behind reinforced fucking bars because 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 men hurt you. easier said than done yes esp if you have trauma. do you have no desire to HEAL????? and become full of love again???? stop w the bullshit. like actually its tired childish and im going to say it its pessimistic, annoying and posionous. keep that shit to yourself until you resolve that shit. or dont and shut the fuck up!!!

some of us are trying to keep faith which you clearly have lost. and its a sick, stinky attitude to have. keep it to yourself because it makes anyone with a healthy relationship and attraction to men feel like a wet blanket. like sorry that happened to you and you havnt put any effort into healing and that you are seething with hate. its not my problem. survive like the rest of us and for your heart health, literally get help before you have a heart attack or get ulcers.

[moonandris]

Omg, I actually did it! I finally joined a queer dating/friendship app!!! EEEEEEK!!! I'm sooooo nervous!!! I literally have almost no queer friends IRL so I don't have anyone to get excited with me!! 🥳

One of my New Year's resolutions for 2024 was to put myself out in the world more and try my best to be more social, meet new friends (as well as potentially find a partner), and explore all my passions, hobbies, and interests with like-minded people.

As a very shy bisexual woman, it's so hard to meet other queer people, especially when you live in a more conservative area. So when I joined a queer dating/friendship app I was was SO surprised to see how many other lesbian/bi women were located near me.

Also, for some reason I've always had this super toxic thought in my head that queer women wouldn't be attracted to me because of the fact that I'm S U P ER femme/girly and I think I look very 'straight' to the average person assessing me. Trust me when I say I was genuinely SHOCKED at the matches I was getting like??? Why did I think such terrible things about myself and my sexuality? I feel really silly for thinking that and I've realized that I have a lot of inner work to do regarding my sexuality and self-worth.

This is honestly such a new, exciting experience for me and was so healing for my mind and mental health to just be able to communicate and talk with other queer women. I know this isn't writing related but it's really not something I can share with other people or on my other social media (yet) so I knew I had to make this post bc I'm just SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO excited!!!

It honestly makes me wanna cry a little. It's a very emotional feeling and also feels so freeing to just BE MYSELF and not have to hide my queerness or be afraid that someone is going to find out I'm bisexual and act really awful/disgusted towards me, you know?

Regardless of whether I find a partner or make new friends and whatnot, I'm super proud of myself that I'm not denying this part of myself anymore. I'm exploring my sexuality with people who know what it's like to be queer in this crazy world we live in. It's a really awesome feeling. 💕💕💕💕

Anyways, if you've made it this far thank you so much for reading this silly lil post and wish me good luck! Happy New Year!! 🎊

[cannellee]

how did you get so good at writing? i'm so deprived of Tokyo Rev content (not that there isn't alot but I read so much that I basically refresh AO3 and tumblrs tags every day to see if anything new has been posted), that i'm almost to the breaking point of a Thanos "fine i'll do it myself" and starting up writing again Is it just practice? Is it better to post cringey writing that isn't that good ;-; I think I fall into the trap of making any OC or y/n Mary Sue and some authors write with such prose and emotion that i'm like dang how can I write like that love your work!!!! always re-reading <3

first of all thank you so much for all of your kind messages!!! you're literally so sweet😭

(I really tried to be useful and concise, I hope it's not too messy/long : i'm definitely not a real author so my tips might be really bad and specific too😭)

I actually started writing tokyorev abo content precisely because of that reason, I felt like I read everything about it and I couldn't find anything more, especially one with scenarios I actually like. this is why I started my blog!

I honestly wasn't so sure about opening my own blog on tumblr. of course you're bound to compare your work to other authors out there who are definitely wayyy better at writing than you, which is why I hesitated a lot.

but! I already had an account on wattpad where I posted fics, so I felt like my cringey era was behind me (it was easier for me to start here because i knew what my mistakes were when writing and what i struggled with. whereas, when i just started on wattpad, i really felt unsure if i was doing correctly + i was younger, so less sure of myself). but wattpad really helped me see what made my work cringey, what parts were unnecessary and stuff like that.

but what is so frustrating is how bad my writing is in english compared to how I'm able to write in my maternal language. like, when I read other posts and everything with better vocabulary, grammar, who know how to articulate sentences and words, you can tell it's something you can only achieve by being reallyyy comfortable with english. I'm not saying I struggle with english or anything, but the language barrier was one of my biggest doubts when I thought about starting posting fics here on tumblr.

also! when I write something and think it's cringey, I let it marinate for a few days and read it again. it's easier to judge my writing when I put some distance with it, then I correct my mistakes and stuff like that. but really, writing and writing is the only way you'll be able to improve, so it should really not stop you!

but in the end, I don't think anybody ever started writing fics and was automatically good at it. you really have to try and see what works and what doesn't. youre able to see what post gets more attention than the other and try and understand why : is it because of a character or the scenario was better or is it your writing ? feedbacks on your work really help actually, so don't be afraid to try even if youre not fully convinced and confident! I posted cringey stuff too and I still do sometimes😭 I know people do a wayy better job than me, but I really like to write so I don't let it stop me from posting.

and for the y/n character, I try to make her and her reactions as neutral as possible and make her do stuff anyone would do in those situations. but I honestly can't deny that I sometimes fall into those stereotypical y/n writing, which I actually enjoy☠️. but I really try to have her say normal stuff, not describe her too much and basically just think of her as the most basic girl you could meet (generic ahh traits : kind, sweet, bubbly, soft spoken...). some people hate that and some don't, I just write what I'm most comfortable with.

same, if you to start writing you should start by doing stuff and scenarios which you really like and inspire you. don't go and try to write something you know people will like, but rather something you're confident in writing because that's a character you like and know how to describe, and because you have so much ideas which would really fit him etc.

and what helped me are the headcanons with the lists. maybe you noticed, maybe you didn't, but I used to list stuff when I started posting. it's just easier to structure my ideas, to see them more clearly. writing huge paragraphs are actually more of a hardwork I think, because everything has to follow the precedent idea and it has to be comprehensible, linked to what you're gonna say next etc. if you list what you wanna say, you can talk about how a character's personality is like and then change the subject radically without having to think and care about the transitions and overall plan (of course if it's too out of pocket it looks weird, but I hope you understand what I mean)

and if you want to write stories and not do little headcanons, what I do when I'm stuck and don't know what to write is that I also sometimes only write a part I really like and leave the beginning (or any other part) for another time when I'll be more inspired. I really don't have any hierarchy when I'm trying to find ideas, I wait for them to come naturally. I don't know what else I could say, it's really messy lmao😭

I hope you found it useful! you definitely will find people who write way better than me and who can help and guide you better than that, with better tips... that was more like my experience on tumblr than anything else, but I hope it could help you!!

[dispadaferisce]

Thoughts on The Dead Three / Chosen

(Referring to Durge as 'he' because they were a transmasc in my playthrough)

Finally finished BG3 as a murder hobo Dark Urge developing a (admittedly questionable) conscience and rejecting Bhaal. I made all my companions take the "right" path in their stories, mainly because we couldn't ALL go to prison and I had dibs on the criminal record.

And of course I killed Ketheric in Act II because that's kind of required, but I played the role in Act III. Durge was pissed to find out Orin double crossed him, and first and foremost on his mind was offing her and taking back what was his. I teamed up with Gortash because, at the time, his deal suited me.

And it's so funny to me the way that played out, because all through Act III Durge is learning more about himself, everybody's trying to kill him, but ultimately Gortash is the one dude who keeps his word. Even I wasn't going to do that.

Like...yeah he sucks, but I AM THE VILLAIN. Bane suckered that human-trafficked orphan into being his Chosen and doing some pretty gnarly stuff in his name--with the aim of ultimate rule and tyranny--but I STARTED IT. DURGE IS SO MUCH WORSE THAN GORTASH.

It's arguable that the entire BG3 plot was initiated by Bhaal to bring about the end of life. Myrkul and Bane were blinded by greed and potential power and all three probably each intended to backstab the other two, but Bhaal was primed and ready to actually follow through. His Chosen was a Bhaalspawn, shaped from his own flesh and literally unable to deny the call to murder. Durge might have put Ketheric and Gortash at (tentative) ease with his ability to control himself, but Durge only controlled himself because Bhaal allowed it. At some point, he was absolutely going to rip out their throats with his teeth and feel nothing while doing it. And if he did feel something for Gortash, all the more powerful a sacrifice to his father when he killed him.

And the only reason the world didn't end was because Orin legitimately gave him brain damage. Orin, who fell for the "I can control myself" bait just as badly as Ketheric and Gortash, who thought her bloodkin was going soft. Durge played the part so well, even the next in line for Bhaal's chosen--who knew the plan!--fell for it.

How can I tell Durge's self-control was fake? Well, if you accept Bhaal but destroy the Netherbrain, at the end of the game you basically have two choices: kill yourself, or fall under the unshakeable control of your godly father. Durge is a Bhaalspawn, with all the inescapable murderous urges that entails. He is not his own person, he's in control only as long as it suits Bhaal to let him be. Once that control is taken away, Durge hunts down the other heroes he called friends and assumedly murders them in a fade-to-black.

Orin should have killed him, but his act offended her so much she knifed a hole in his head and shoved a mind flayer tadpole into it. She probably knew how they were inserted, but she shoved it in there with the intent of having it eat his brain, like it was that too-soft personality she wanted to kill instead of his body.

There are various notes, comments, and books/journals throughout the game that tell us Durge suffered severe damage to his brain because of how the tadpole was inserted, and Kressa Bonedaughter describes to us a physically broken Bhaalspawn overtaken by his nature and lacking his other faculties. Just completely feral. And these are Ketheric's people, Myrkul's rather than Bhaal's, so they're not going to recognize him. Instead, Kressa spends a few weeks literally pulling out his insides to play with until her man gets jealous and sends Durge out on the next Nautiloid.

I do believe Durge was tadpoled on the Nautiloid, just like the opening sequence plays out. I think the original one ate his brain and got removed, but the second was inserted the correct way. And while it couldn't regrow the brain tissue that was destroyed by the first, the second tadpole probably formed enough psychic and cranial connections during its natural settling to kick Durge's higher brain functions back on again.

And so he starts out, chunks of his brain literally gone and his memory with them. But the urges are still there, because he's a Bhaalspawn and they go beyond his personality and thoughts.

So Durge, who has no idea who he really is (or who he really was behind the mask he put up for the sake of The Plan), now has to rely on what other people tell him about himself. The companions whose approval and disapproval guide the player's actions are in turn guiding his and literally creating Durge's new personality and moral compass.

Astarion is telling him that power is safety and should be taken whenever possible. Gale is telling him power also corrupts, and there are dangerous consequences to doing that. Karlach is telling him never to make a deal with the devil because you'll lose everything. Wyll is telling him sometimes, you need to make those deals so save everyone else--but be very careful if you do. Shadowheart is telling him secrets and darkness are a priceless armor. Lae'zel is telling him that while some of his actions may be considered 'bad,' if they were truly righteous he would not need to hide them.

Different players will do different things with those influences depending on whether they (and in turn, their Durge) likes the companion or not, just like in real life. Some give in to the urges, some fight them, some stumble along somewhere in the middle.

Some Durges will leave Act II with a firmly rooted sense of self, and who you used to be no longer matters. You're going to kill the bad guys on sight and save the day (or take over the world). That's a completely valid course to take.

But for those who still aren't sure, once you get to Act III, Gortash and Orin tell you who you REALLY are. Or at least, who they believe you are, based on the act you played for them before.

Sure, you're a Bhaalspawn, but your murder is controlled. You can be trusted to plot with, you're reasonable and open to the tenets of Myrkul and Bane. Gortash, in particular, liked you quite a bit, enough to be happy to see you when you show up at his coronation. Enough to throw in his lot with you within ten seconds of seeing your face. He may not trust Bhaal, but he trusts you.

He trusted you enough to follow you into Hell to rob a devil. He trusted you enough to let you walk into his coronation, even knowing his steel watchers couldn't do jack shit against the man who KILLED THE PHYSICAL MANIFESTATION OF THE GOD MYRKUL.

Gortash is evil, but he's mortal evil. He has visions of a golden age throughout Faerun, one he's going to usher in by force because people can't be trusted to not ruin it. Gortash wants to rule, just like all the other despots in history. He wants to be a tyrant, to have absolute power through fear and violence.

(An absolute power, by the way, that there is no reason to believe he does not honestly want to share with Durge. If you don't kill Gortash and go with him to confront the brain, he's pretty much faithful to his word right up until his end. He goes with you, alone, and trusts you to hold up your part of the bargain.)

But you. Holy shit. You, the Dark Urge, are so much worse. It really hits when you finally visit the Temple of Bhaal to fight Orin.

Ketheric is a king in his castle, serving dark gods in the shadow-cursed lands for his own personal ends (resurrecting his daughter). Gortash is a black market arms dealer turned king, chasing power over others after a powerless youth.

Durge sleeps in an underground ossuary, just off the city sewer system, literally filled with aesthetic pools of blood. There are piles of rotting corpse parts just laying around in the temple and Undercity. Above ground, sure, he was an excellent assassin, but below ground he was a torturer. For his whole life, he was down here chopping people up and tossing their body parts around.

Like...can you imagine the smell? The overpowering stench of rot and death, the wet splotches of blood on pretty much everything, the constant sound of screams? It doesn't really matter if everyone thought Durge could control himself, this was the life he lived and the temple he was the lord of, he did a lot of torturing and killing in the pursuit of pretty much nothing except committing murder. He was a creature who thrived on the agony, torment, and ultimate death of people who may or may not have been perfectly innocent of any crime.

He was about the torment. He was about the pain, the suffering. The devil Raphael, son of Mephistopheles, says outright he admires Durge's work. As insight to that, if you break into the House of Hope, I think you can find Raphael's commentary on the fall of Karsis, where he talks about the absolute carnage and pain and blood and death that came with the cities falling from the skies, and how much he loved it. That's the guy Durge's normal Tuesday schedule impressed.

And Durge's part in the Absolute scam? Let it ride. Stand back, be agreeable, let the other two map out the path to glory. Because it didn't matter. Durge wasn't looking to rule, he wasn't looking for power. He was waiting in the wings until everything was in place, then he was going to kill the other two and take the stones. He was going to command the whole of the Sword Coast, eventually all of Faerun, to transform into mind flayers.

His goal wasn't just to kill everyone, it was to destroy their souls. Every last one, to deprive the other gods of their worshippers. The literal ultimate end of everything, his whole purpose was to be the last man standing and to then kill himself in Bhaal's name. This entire plot was started and orchestrated to end it all.

Depending on your decisions, this can still happen, I think. I know I got the option to dominate the brain and become The Absolute, which I didn't take so I don't know how it played out. But if you don't go that route, and you do stop the brain, well.

You're still the villain who started it all. You just follow a different death god in the end.

But you live to follow him, if you choose the 'good' ending. If you chose to defy Bhaal and to destroy the Netherbrain, you get a new lease on life. You not only get to ride triumphantly into the sunset with your romanced companion, you also get invited back in six months to meet with everyone and re-establish your ties, and most of the dialogue options (and Withers' words) indicate you get to keep your found family, too.

No other villain gets this. Ketheric fought you to the end, but even though you proved powerful enough to defeat an avatar of Myrkul, he's likely punished by his god after death for his failure. The same with Gortash; if you use Speak with Dead on his body, Gortash is gone and it's Bane who speaks to you through the corpse because Gortash is already busy being punished for failing.

Jergal/Withers knows who you are as soon as he sees you, but he won't tell you. If he did, if you knew you were Bhaal's chosen right away, you would go running straight to Moonrise Towers to demand your place back, and the world would end. Withers may not directly push you where he wants you, but he does manipulate you by keeping you surrounded by these outside influences for longer so you CAN develop an independent piece of yourself.

Jergal creates you anew, by helping you along a journey that will ultimately give you that independent bit of self that will allow you to choose. Not only choose, but continue to exist if your choice is to defy Bhaal. The other two Chosen don't get that option, they're steeped in their own horrors with no escape and no framework to make any other decisions than the ones they do.

Not you, though. You lucked out. Because your sister gave you brain damage.