#like ive never had to share my space or myself in that way and like inshaAllah i do get married but i genuinely cant see myself as married

[vampiremourning]

need at least 1 person to be mentally ill with in the dms about my own writing perhaps then ill be able to publish something

[violentdevotion]

I really want to be married someday but I've never been in a romantic relationship of any kind so I can't conceptualise myself as a wife or part of a unit and most of the women in my life have already gotten married by the time they were my age and the topic of marriage is one that comes up a lot but I genuinely can't see myself as anything other than 19 years old.

[sarahreesbrennan]

Thank you for writing Long Live Evil.

I'm no cancer survivor, so I haven't been through the horror that that must've been, congratulations to enduring and surviving, and my sincere condolences that you had to go through it.

But I am chronically ill (cystic fibrosis, genetic defect) and have so far lived for 5 years longer than my prognosis allowed. My health's been good and stabile for a long time now, but I remember times where I couldn't walk alone, had a 18/6 nasal cannula and a 24-hour IV drip instead of school or a future.

Now I'm working at university, an archaeologist, chipping away at writing stories for years and years, and incredibly glad and privileged to see the world. All this to say that seeing how hurt Rae was in the beginning (and again throughout the story, while also never truly forgetting her true roots and motives) and how she grew around it like a gnarled tree, was like catharsis for me. Having miraculously given a second chance, no matter how hard the fight to keep it will be; I haven't ever read any story talking about this in a way that made me feel seen and understood like this. Thank you also lots and lots for taking the time to mention Rae's appreciation for Rahela's curves — it's been the same for me, since I've managed to get out of the underweight-trap. It means a lot to me, and I guess to many others in similar situations, including you of course. Thank you for sharing this with us, it must've been hard to touch on a deeply personal experience like this in writing that's simultaneously removed from oneself through fiction (at least that's what I'm imagining).

Thank you, and I wish you nothing but the best, health, and lots of good days to come. Deeply curious to see how Rae's story will continue!

Thank you so much for this.

I am so glad you are alive. Thank you for that, too - for living on even when you couldn’t see a way forward and everything was helpless despair.

I haven’t been through what you’ve been through, either, but it’s a privilege to have shared adjoining experiences trapped in darkness, and to share gladness and the wide world with you now. I’m so sorry it happened, and so happy you have archaeology and stories, and the world has you.

I will be totally honest and say it has been hard sharing Long Live Evil with the world, and I’m so grateful to you for knowing that, and for sending this message because you knew. This book is highly personal to me, but it’s also meant to be a wild celebration of messiness, escapism, and finding humour in art and darkness. And that means to some it’s just a joke, and in the words of Joanna Russ, ‘she’s not really an artist and it’s not really art.’ And so it gets dismissed, and it does hurt to see my most important story dismissed sometimes.

I was with other writers in a public space at one point and they were talking about how their books were about serious issues while ‘Sarah’s book is just for fun, and that’s fine too!’ (I had to take a minute before I could lean into my microphone and say ‘My book is about cancer’ in a cheery tone.) I’ve seen readers saying ‘this book’s just fluff, just silly, I’m ashamed of myself for reading it, there’s nothing to it’ about the book I wrote about almost dying.

My Rae, while of course she has bits of me in her (every character I’ve ever written does), and evil queens I’ve loved, and characters with wild hubris going on in the Greek plays I mention often in the book, and readers I’ve seen and I’ve been who are blithely confident they know what’s going on without doing more than surface reading and while forgetting key details… she’s also bits of women and girls I’ve mentored, been mentored by, befriended. And some of them are dead. So seeing the bits that were them particularly scorned or judged, seeing her pain dismissed or the discussion of her body sneered at…

That has been hard.

But.

In the end I believe I am really an artist and this book is really art, and art is there for the wide world to judge - to be mocked and dismissed, yes, as a price that comes with the opportunity to also be truly seen and appreciated, to get to influence real people’s real lives. Art is the gold that comes from the crucible in which we put all our pain and all our love and all our joys. I believe it deepens and transforms.

I wrote this book about how deeply unsympathetic people actually are to sufferers of illness, chronic or otherwise, and especially to women expressing pain. How the world villainises imperfect victims—which means all victims. How the world villainises bodies, and robs us of our joy in them—even when there’s horror in a body, too. I did know that by putting this book out into this world, that attitude would be reflected back by the world onto the book. And that attitude has hurt me in the past, and hurts me when I see it now.

I still think it’s worth calling out that attitude, even if it means getting more of that attitude reflected back onto me - because it means readers like you see it, and know others have been through this, and it was never okay, and you were never alone. While I know there will also be readers with chronic illnesses and/or cancer whose experience doesn’t overlap with mine at all, that only means there need to be more stories. So everyone who needs it gets the map into fantasy lands.

And I do hope some able-bodied readers read it, and think twice about adopting the world’s attitude to the people in their lives who are already going through enough. Some readers have told me the book helped them sympathise with and understand the cancer sufferers in their family and friend circles, and that’s meant a great deal. What do we write for, if not to learn to love each other better?

Long Live Evil has also given me my life back, as truly as chemo did, in a way that makes the pain worthwhile - I think I would have kept telling stories in some form, but Long Live Evil was my last throw, for as far ahead as I could see. Now since the book’s done well so far I’m hoping I can write more books, and my life can be the storytelling shape I always wanted it to be.

I read your message and I regretted nothing. I remember the pain and the way so many of us laughed or tried to laugh our way through it, and I know this was my way. Jokes, like stories, are the golden thread we follow through the dark labyrinth of our own agony and incomprehension.

It really has been hard, and it’ll stay hard. But like living, it’s worth it.

Please know two things.

I am so happy I wrote this book. Ultimately more than any other feeling I had so, so much fun writing it, and I’m having even more fun seeing the book be read by the people it was meant for.

2. This book was written for you.

[wiltkingart]

as another fruity tguy i really REALLY love the way u draw men so so much i see your work and i feel warm from head to toe cause you make trans men so beautiful. i can feel in every work that you love transmascs and being a tmasc and it comes thru in every paintstroke to me.

sorry to hijack with a big paragraph but last anon rly spoke to me and i wanted to share my experience if its ok

to last anon-- my journey is perhaps different from others but for me when i started T i also felt like it was the most important, life or death thing, but after spending time on T i found that even if the results werent as Manly as i was hoping for originally, i suddenly found myself in love with the simple fact that i had changed and my body had changed in a way that was on MY terms, even if it wasnt """perfectly passing"". since then ive found that not having T or having to lower my dosage was no longer painful or frightening.. im not sure how else to explain it other than At First, it felt like the testosterone was trying to fight Against the woman that Was my body, to sort of Transform it completely into this Man, but one day i just suddenly realized "oh. im not fighting anymore. and im actually pretty happy" and even tho i wasnt Perfectly masc by a long shot there was suddenly.. peace. i fell in love with my patchy body hair and my funny voice and my weird dick and then to my own suprise i found myself falling in love with the things i used to hate and wanted to get rid of. i suddenly loved my boobs (i wanted top surgery for YEARS before t) i loved my eyelashes, i loved the way my body looked in womens clothes, and i still loved being a man. im still a man and happier with that than ive ever been, but im more feminine now than i really ever have been! and its because suddenly being a man and having this mans body was something that belonged to ME, not to anyone else. this happiness and this body were on MY terms!!! so anon, i hope that you can try hormones and you get to explore the changes that bring you joy and that you find even more joy in the things you never expected before. but if you dont get hrt? youre still one of us always. i hope you will still find the love in your heart for yourself and the man you are regardless. peace and love and trangenderism ❤️

just want to add on that i relate heavily to your part about "falling in love with the things i used to hate and wanted to get rid of" because my chest was one of my biggest source of grief pre-T and could not imagine a life for myself without top surgery, and even injured myself from binding too much. but something about being on hrt and finally seeing and experiencing myself with more masc features (and living my life as a guy, in my own way) gradually flipped a switch in my brain and i started to love my boobs. and then when i stopped T i was worried and scared i would lose that love, but now i actually love them more than ever (if my art wasnt indication enough hehe). there's so many ways to be trans, and be a man, and i'm so grateful i gave myself the patience and space to explore that, and that i can continue to explore and experience joy with it. peace and love and transgenderism forever 💙

[ruiniel]

I noticed in two of your works you wrote of a 'bond' between Alucard and his s/o, could I make a request between him and a female s/o about that specifically? Like perhaps how it came to be between them?

Thank you and no pressure ♥

Vampire-human bonding is a theme I like exploring in fiction! When a deep connection is formed with mutual consent, transcending the usual predator-prey relationship.

Alucard's character is technically not a full-fledged vampire but I'll take a creative license here.

Will incorporate this in the next few parts of 'Hidden'. Speaking of which, here's part IV (mostly fluff).

Hidden

Fandom: Castlevania series (2017-2021)

Pairing: Alucard x fem!reader

Rating: T

Count: 1.4k

Tags & Warnings: fluff

Part I - Part II - Part III

IV. Stay

You make it up the stairway in a rush. There’s an urgency to your step, because all you had was a moment and it was not enough.

Adrian opens the doors to his chambers and enters, then turns around to gaze at you. 

You close the doors behind you, leaning with your back against the hard wood. The surrounding silence, compared to the earlier commotion, gives the impression of landing in a faraway place, removed from the daily storms and weathering of humanity. Your heart thumps in your chest, your torso rises and falls from the brief but intense exertion.

There is a small, unsteady smile on his lips, one that seems to ask ‘well… what now?’

Wordless, you spring from your place and throw yourself in his arms even as Adrian’s tighten around your waist, and he spins you around a few turns, laughing softly. 

He nears a couch and sits you both on it, ensuring you remain draped over him (not something you'll complain about).

You have so many things to tell him, so many questions and so many fears—the latter of which you refuse to allow purchase in your mind, but you will have to settle them at some point, you know this.

And what of him? You nuzzle his cheek, breaths slowing, enjoying the tension radiating through his muscles, the way your body fits so snugly against him. This space is removed from the direct all-encompassing light of the sun and as such your surroundings feel even more remote, even more of an escape.

“Are you… sure about this?”

Adrian’s hand stops its repeated motion of running up and down your thigh. “Considering I’d wanted to ask you to be with me weeks ago, yes. I’m quite sure, my sweet silly one.”

You scoff, but bury your nose against his neck, inhale a scent of skin that unleashes a restless heat within. 

“... are you?” His question is spoken slowly, carefully, and you feel the way his throat bobs against your forehead when he swallows. 

“I…”  your feelings of strangeness, of inadequacy rise to the fore as you clutch at him, feeling his clothing between your fingers in a repeated, uncontrollable stim. “When I realized my changing feelings for you, I worried. I tried to smother them. When it didn’t work, I despaired—after all, who was I to you? Sure, we’d become close, and our time together was always pleasant, both intellectually and emotionally. It enriches my days.”

“But?...” His hand resumes the slow glide along your thigh and the simple intimacy of it combined with the unexpected turn of this day—you, here, in his space and in his arms—makes you so very weak. 

“But… I mean…” You’re glad you don’t have to look at him. “You’re so… your family brought you up to be this wonderful, beautiful person.”

Adrian breathes through his nose, a soft blush tinting his cheekbones. “Oh, really, now…”

“You can’t deny it, Adrian. You’re quite… striking to the average eyes. And knowing you, the extent of your capabilities, well… who was I, but a fleeting soul in your path? I thought that you’d never share my feelings, and wanted—tried—to remove myself from your proximity, from your life.”

He tips your chin up then, all bashfulness gone. “It hurts to hear you speak this way.”

“But do you understand?”

He smiles no longer, his gaze saddened, lowered lashes shadowing his eyes. “I’m trying. But… it’s not as though I ever accounted for my feelings to spread like wildfire either. I never thought I’d come to a point where the mere sight of you brought so much joy, such feverish yearning. I want to be in your life.” He pauses. “If you wish it.”

Emotion grows and spreads like flowered vines inside you, spilling through your chest. “My fears got the better of me. Please…” You know what you want to say, but the words struggle to leave your mouth. “Stay in my life.”

Adrian smiles winningly, sucking on your bottom lip with a velvety ‘mmm’ that leaves you dizzy. He hoists you up in his lap with a tighter grip. “How about this? We take it slow.”

“Slow,” you repeat, palm pressed to his fast-beating heart.

Ripe light washes the valley in a warm glow as you climb, following Adrian on a barely beaten path uphill. As you’d agreed, you left your studies and daily chores for this short escape, to take some time for yourselves.

You can’t but stare as he walks ahead, a bag slung over one shoulder containing a few basic necessities and tools for your trek through nature. Your own bag is significantly smaller, but there’s not much you needed to bring. You’re on the second day of your trip, and Adrian guided you through landscapes of such beauty they left you yearning for faraway places you’ve never been. The air is breezy, balmy to your heated body.

“We’ll be there soon,” Adrian says, half turning with a smile. 

“There? There… where?” 

“You’ll see,” he adds, tone conspiratorial enough to make you wonder. 

To your right, the lands are garbed in nature’s colors of evening, a long river with fast waters throwing itself in a long sweep at the horizon. Mountains lie sleepily beneath a westering sun, its disc glowing reddish gold. 

Being here, with him, is all you need at the moment. Since your tense confession, things have changed, but it all felt so natural: the shift in the way he glances at you, the way he takes your hand or caresses you when you fall asleep tucked against him. 

Your gaze moves from the scenery to Adrian’s figure, his booted feet soundless as he walks ahead with a determined grace you always found devastatingly attractive. You’re grinning stupidly, probably, but couldn’t care if the gods themselves saw it. For a few sparse times in your life you’ve taken decisions that you knew, deep down, were right for you, whether scary or complicated seeming—and this is one of those times.

It’s not a treacherous path at all, you think as you take another step. Your right foot slips just slightly over a rounded stone, and you catch yourself, hand reaching for the earthed wall to your left for leverage. You grab hold of a root, breathe in relief, and go your way. 

“How are we doing?”

He keeps checking on you, and by ‘we’ of course he means ‘you’, but you can’t fault him his concern. Adrian tends to fuss over people he cares about, in that adorable, unobtrusive way of his. “We’re doing well,” you say, eyes on the harmony that is the line of his shoulders, “Very well, I’d say.”

“Hmm.”

You climb up, and up and up, and before you spreads another valley: an emerald green view, the clear eye of a lake staring back at you from below. “Is that where we’re heading? I could use a bath.” 

“So could I. We’ll have the opportunity soon.” He says the last word softly, a shiver on the wind.

Certain images take their place in your imagination, much less metaphysical than before: such as, what he looks like without that shirt. 

Slow, he’d said. Need pools to your core at the many meanings of that one word, and lost as you are, the ground loses your focus—you slip again, this time finding no purchase as you reach out to right yourself but tilting your body just so, evading a precarious fall.

You glance ahead at Adrian, hoping he hasn’t heard. The last thing you want is to lengthen any worries he might have, because you want to be here.

“I beg you to watch your step.” 

You freeze, stopping your climb. “You… you heard?”

Adrian looks over his shoulder at you. “I'd like to avoid a repeat of that time in the library… might you want to walk in front?”

“I…” The look in his eyes is strange; something tells you he would’ve been at your side in the blink of an eye, but went to some lengths to keep to himself and not be overbearing. You appreciate it. “Sure.”

As you walk past him you’re drawn into his side with a fluid but firm grip, followed by a hasty, hot press of lips. “Not helpful,” you murmur, knees turned to mush as you fall into him. 

His smile is both dangerous and beatific. “I’ll be sure to remember that.”

Part V

[commanderyes]

I think like everyone I got mega hyped about anet adding Snargle Goldclaw to the game as an homage to your character, but over the years ive started to wonder how it feels for you when Goldclaw is such a different character in personality and tone from your Snargle. A canon erotic fanfiction author is a very funny joke and it was a pleasant surprise to see him more fleshed out as a person in EoD. But your comics, though sometimes funny, are special in how earnestly and powerfully you can extract the emotional weight of gw2's story. Snargle Gutslurper as an interpretation of our commander is wonderful- authentic and funny and full of heart. The game often rushes past powerful moments and I appreciate that you've always let him have the time and space to process in a more real way.

I imagine there are players who may know Snargle Goldclaw but never Snargle Gutslurper, which is kind of bittersweet to think about. I wonder if you've ever had thoughts like these and what it's like to be in this unusual situation as an artist and as a player.

A bonus thought- has Goldclaw ever come back through the other way and influenced how you see Gutslurper?

No matter the case thanks for sharing your stories. Long live Snargle 🙏

Personally I never thought - and still don't think - I'm that big of a deal. I just decided to draw a couple silly comics to cheer myself up when I was hitting a rough patch, saw people received them very positively and it all just kinda snowballed from there. It's allowed me to revisit feelings and thoughts I've had about the story back when I was playing all by myself at launch, and further explore heavier themes because, well, how many of us have had a point where nothing ever seems to go right with our lives no matter how hard we try? How many of us have felt like we're just being pulled along through life, not knowing what do we really want, or how we feel about ourselves?

And more importantly it's allowed me to meet people I hold very dear to this day and who I feel I would never have met if I hadn't decided to start this weird little journey.

As for Goldclaw...knowing that my silly depressed cowcat got the devs to name a character after him, and it ended up being an extremely horny shitpost that just keeps on growing while SIMULTANEOUSLY being a war-scarred romantic idealist slowly working towards being a better writer and person, will always be one of the high points in my life

[kiwiraccoon]

Numb, Emptiness IV

Ateez OT8 x OC

Summary: after witnessing the death of her family, her uncle sends her back to South Korea to live with the eight guys he had saved over the years. They seem to be almost, if not just, as mentally messed up as she is, and the goal is for her to help them and them to help her. Time heals, but it’s already been 11 years of suffering for her, can they really help?

overall notes: MDNI mental health: depression, anxiety, ocd, antisocial, agoraphobia, personality disorders, mental breakdowns. mentions and descriptions of gruesome deaths, gore. polygamy, shared female, suggestive, fluff, smut?, building relationships. THIS IS NOT MEANT FOR THE WEAK HEARTED OR UNDERAGE!! this not meant to depict real Ateez but an au, not about their real selves or real struggles, I took ideas from their real selves but again not meant to be negative towards them or anything against their image… THIS IS JUST MY MORBID MIND RUNNING WILD!

Word count: 1576 (I’m sorry it’s short)

The feeling of someone reaching for my headphones drags me out of my mind space causing me to instantly grab their wrist in a tight grasp leaving my knuckles white. I look up and meet the stern eyes of my uncle telling me to let him go and allow him to speak to me. Hesitantly I let go of his wrist and allowed him to stop my music and pull my attention onto him, still doing my best to ignore anyone else who might be in the room. “Next time, and I hope there won’t be, don’t lock your door like that.” He leaves no time for me to respond, making sure I know it’s not a request but an order while putting the headphones back in my ear. I keep my eyes down as I hop down from the island countertop and make my way back to my room ready to clean up my mess.

The second I walk into my room I’m hit with the smell of cleaning products still lingering in the air and no reminder of what happened not too long ago. I don’t have to relive my breakdown by picking up the broken pieces of my mind in the form of a mirror. I don’t know who did it, but what I do know is when I find out I will do everything I can to thank them. They saved my mind from another breakdown, one that would be much smaller but still there. I take a moment to walk into my bathroom and make sure all of the mess is gone, a mirror no longer hangs on the wall. In its place a note sticks with some clear tape.

You deserve all the good things in life. You deserve to feel. You deserve to express yourself. You deserve to be cared for. You deserve to be loved.

No name is written to let me know who left me the affirmations, and I’m grateful for the lack of one. It allows me to say the words myself without hearing someone else’s voice. I can remind myself that I am deserving. I speak the words under my breath a few times until a small smile pulls at my lips. The smile reminds me that I do have control again, my life is mine, and my emotions are mine. I turn back to my room and finally look around, multiple times. It’s then I notice something on my made bed, a little stuffed animal with a note sitting on its head.

Next time you feel alone with your thoughts, hug him tight. His name is Shiber. -San

This handwriting is different from the other note telling me that the person who wrote the affirmations isn’t San. I stare at the little dog while trying to process the information. Someone I hadn’t spoken to once has gone out of their way to give me a piece of comfort through their stuffed animal. Another smile tugs at my lips as I pull Shiber up from my bed and into my arms to hug him tight just like San said. I had to admit the comfort I gained from the interaction was something I never felt before. I felt cared for, seen, and understood just by one small gesture. 

“Thank you.” I whisper into the stuffed animal as I hug him tighter while falling back into my bed to enjoy the moment of peace and clarity. Music still floods through my mind but the extra comfort helps to make the moment feel less like a distraction and more like an outstretched hand for me to hold on to.

I don’t know how long I laid there hugging Shiber, but I do know it was long enough for someone to come knocking on my door loud enough to break through my music. I stand up holding the stuffed animal in my arms to open the door while removing my headphones from my ears. “Yes?” I ask when I open the door to see who knocked. I can’t tell if my face has returned to its bored expression or if it has changed but when I meet the eyes of Mingi he pulls me into a bone crushing hug. “What’s wrong bub?”

He hugs me tighter to his body making sure I don’t slip away from him. “I was so scared, when I heard your screams. I couldn’t get in to check on you. God I was so scared.” He confesses into my shoulder letting tears slip from his eyes onto the thin fabric of my long sleeve shirt.

I pull away from the hug to tug him into my room and close the door to give our conversation some privacy. He looks at me in confusion while tears roll down his face. I just try to make a small smile form on my face while I pull him to my bed so we can sit together in a comfortable place. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you.”

“You’re smiling.” He notes letting me know that my emotions are showing.

I smile a little bit more at the fact I can show some emotion. “I broke free.” I look around my room remembering a cute little plushie that is no longer in my arms. I see Shiber on the ground and quickly pick him up to return him into my hold for comfort once again. 

“Is that what happened?” He asks, smiling through the tears.

“Uh yea. At first, all the negative thoughts were winning until I had enough. I had nothing to hide from anymore. No one was actively hurting me anymore.” I admit hugging Shiber tighter while burying my face into the soft pillow. 

Mingi moves to wrap his long arms around me letting me still hold on to Shiber while he also comforts me in the vulnerable moment. “I’m proud of you. You went through a lot and you managed to come out stronger than anyone I’ve ever known. I hope you know I’ll always be here even when you’re annoyingly happy all the time. Which is the goal.”

“What goal?” I ask pulling out of the hug again to meet his eyes.

“My life goal is to make you happy, I never cared if you showed it but I just wanted you to be happy truly. And that’s why I was so scared when I heard you breaking down. Your screams sent my body into fight mode, I wanted to break down your door so badly. I was ready to tackle anyone who got in my way.” The way his eyes shine with sincerity makes tears form in my eyes. I have never felt so loved and cared for before by anyone other than my uncle. Mingi unknowingly became one of the most important people in my life just by being here.

I pull Mingi into a hug without Shiber between us, my arms wrap tightly around his shoulders as his go around my waist. We keep close for a while just enjoying the moment together to know we are both okay and we are both happy.

“Kai di- oh sorry.” Wooyoung quickly pulls away from peeking in the door and slightly closes it leaving a slight crack. 

“Yes Wooyoung?” I simply ask not feeling any negativity due to his presence.

He pops his head back in through the door with a sorry smile on his face, “I was just wondering if you still wanted to eat some pizza?”

I let out a small chuckle and I watch as Wooyoungs face goes from embarrassed to surprised quickly and before I know it he is tackling me onto my bed in a bear hug. He laughs in the hug ignoring Mingi scolding him for invading my personal space. “You just laughed!” He leans up on his arms hovering above me with a stupid big smile on his face. He is in disbelief at what he just heard and what he sees. Me smiling and laughing at his face and I can’t help but life my hand up and poke his prominent cheeks.

“I did.” We chuckle together and he slaps my hand away in a joking way before pulling me back into a strong hug. “You’re crushing me Woo.”

“Woo!? You just called me Woo!” He freaks out again now completely sitting up above me looking at me as if I just committed arson on his favorite clothing item. I nod and smile as much as I can, which is only a little bit. “WAIT! You… you’re smiling and laughing!!!” He yells absolutely losing his mind.

“Quiet down!” Mingi hisses at his younger friend, he knows everyone has now heard. And telling by the loud footsteps coming up the stairs they are all coming to see what all the fuss is.

Wooyoung looks apologetic and starts to say his apologies until he is interrupted by the rest of my housemates running. 

“What’s wrong?” 

“What happened?”

“Is Kai okay?”

“Why are you yelling?”

“What’s going on?”

So many questions asked, causing me to laugh at the chaos ensuing in my small room. This shuts everyone up as they all look at me in confusion. No one says anything just listens to me laughing uncontrollably, they all looked to worried when they walked in and now they hold nothing but confusion on their faces.

“Is she laughing?” I hear Jongho whisper to Yunho standing beside him.

[stormblessed95]

I'm Stepping Away For A While...

Over the past week, and then some, I have been called a multitude of names in an effort to make fun of me and rude names including wh*re, p**sy, bitch, a liar, a fake, etc. I've been told I'm a fake/bad ARMY, a fake jikooker, etc. Ive had people call my friends deragatory names and misgender them. And I've also had someone in my DMs try to gaslight me into believing that this was not harassment or Bullying, but that I should apologize to my followers for threatening to block people and that people were just expressing strongly worded commentary over how my actions hurt them. And that I needed to take responsibility for creating the drama at all. And none of that is okay, and honestly it's been a lot. And the way people just brushed over the name calling and harassment regardless of if they disagreed with me or liked me, that was a lot too.

Blocking people to curate my space is not harassment or bullying or disrespectful. Its simply protecting myself and trying to curate a safe space for me personally. Nor have I ever started a hate campaign to try and drive another blogger off the platform. And if a post of mine encouraged people to send messages or hurtful asks to someone else, and I KNEW about it, I would've said something and asked them to stop. Sharing an opinion or disagreeing with someone is not me sending anyone hate. Nor would I ever want that for anyone regardless of any disagreements we had over whatever topic.

I've lost quite a few followers over the past week, people believing things that are being said and that's fine, i was never here for the numbers anyway. Id rather you unfollow or block me peacefully if you dont like me or my posts. Some of the people engaging with this hate against me were honestly surprising. But it is what it is. But I don't feel safe in this space anymore. I honestly haven't for a while. Blogging isn't as fun anymore. I don't want to post while it feels like a chore. And that's not because of anyone or anything in particular. I opened this blog because it brought me joy and it was fun. And it's really sad that something that brought me happiness is no longer doing that for me. It's not just all this drama either. It's probably been awhile coming, making my timeline posts for longer posts felt more like something I had to do for you all instead of something I wanted to do for me. And that's not what I want for this space.

So I'll be stepping away for awhile. When or if I come back will depend on if I can get that joy back for doing this and I feel like this can be a fun corner of the internet for all of us together again. And also for if I feel like I can do this without it being so mentally draining and just not good for my mental health like it has been lately.

I'll leave my blog here and my masterlist because I know that a lot of people enjoy the archive of some past content I have cataloged there. I don't want to take that away from anyone for that reason alone since I want people to be able to access that content if they can't otherwise find it. I also want the option to be able to come back to this blog again at some point. So I don't want to delete it or say I'm stepping away permanently, nor do I want people wondering what happened to me or anything. I just need a break. I do apologize for all the post series I have started that are remaining unfinished now for a little while.

If you want to unfollow me knowing that I'll be absent from here for awhile or for any other reason, that's totally fine. Honest. No hard feelings. I wish you well and hope everyone will continue to do well and enjoy the next few months of music, content and love from the members. Maybe I'll try to be back in time for JJK1 whenever that happens.

Again, this is just something I need. I'm okay, I'm not hurt or upset. I just need a break. I appreciate you all understanding. I'll still be in this fandom and be ARMY for life. I'll still be around for the next day or so. Thank you for understanding. I do love you guys and hope to back as soon as I'm able to.

[meowticta]

Uhh, lately i've been reading about cpunk, and guys i love yall, i think it's important to have a space for you, and people who also go thru things you also have, share experiences, etc, a mental condition/neurodivergence will never be the same as using a cane, a wheelchair, having a physical disability, yes for example autism can also have physical symptoms such as dyspraxia, but not because ur autistic ur physically disabled, also not everyone has dyspraxia.

but i also wonder if tourettes... is a part of it? ive been wondering this for many weeks.

like, i remember being very young, walking was an issue, people bullied me for it, sometimes couldn't even talk, because my tics interrupted me, i hit and scream and fall. body hurts when i hit myself, body hurts and is in pain and tired and wants to puke and nauseous after tic attacks that i only want to rest, a few weeks ago i had a tic in my arm that left me without sleep because i couldn't stop, i dont use .. a mobility aid, but i would consider it if tics get worse... lately it's not that bad, waxing and waning tics you know...

but i tend to hit myself a lot + pain + tired, tic attacks are coming again too.. a lot, i have one or two tic attack per 1-2 month i think which is way better than when i was younger (dealt with attacks almost every week..)

and i always wondered if tourettes was a physical disability, you know, it may seem silly andd stupid even, but professionals always told me it was neurological, nothing else, (and they were completely useless too... didnt gave me tips to handle it, therapists barely heard of it, did not give me any support other than a diagnosis and some medication thats all (medication which im grateful tho it helps me ton))

i dont... tend to call myself disabled because people look at me and dont think i am, and i get really scared w confrontation so i prefer not to .. say things like that, m also autistic btw, but thats another thing, i know autism disables me, but i dont know if tourettes disables me

it's been good years, i know some disabilities also have better days and worse days, but i feel like it's too much time for me, from 5+ or 5-months, i can have little to no tics, but they come back too anyways, and i'll be hitting myself and body will hurt.

sorry if this is stupid, only recently have been seeing tourettes being called a physical disability, and it changes how i see myself too

if you answer or read this thank u!

[qpr-culture-is]

on anon bc they follow me on here but i started theater recently and made friends for the first time in my life, and two of them ive been feeling really strong things?? for?? but i know its not romantic attraction because im aromantic, and its not sexual at all bc im asexual. im so confused!!

i dont feel or understand romance but i want to go out with them downtown, i want to hold hands, i want to cuddle and cherish their warmth. they both give such good hugs and theyre both so kind to me and they love sharing things and i feel like theyre becoming my entire world.. but not for romance. not for their bodies. not for their possessions or their similarities to myself or their looks.

for them.

and its scaring me.

i dont know how to react to it because ive never had these feelings before and im worried if i tell them they'll hate me. i have no clue how to act around these desires or how to phrase them in a way to explain to them and im just. im scared.

i think it might be queerplatonic attraction, and the idea of a queerplatonic partnership/relationship sounds like a dream come true, but im so scared.

do you have advice? anecdotes? anything?

i am so sorry for totally venting and rambling on to you, i just don't know queerplatonic resources outside of tumblr spaces and really need some help.

it certainly sounds like it's along the lines of queerplatonic attraction.

discovering something new about yourself and your queerness can always be scary. it's just something that with time you'll have to get used to and accept. that may be a bit of the problem here, with all of the uneasiness

and I don't believe they'd hate you for it at all. id just be honest about how you feel. if it makes them upset or dislike you then they weren't worth your time to begin with.

and it's okay to vent, sometimes it really helps so no need to apologize

[kafus]

my friend who passed away was the friend who got me that event pichu exclusive to IRL movie theaters in south korea that i mentioned a while back. his name was Riku

he passed away in the early morning of the 22nd (21st in my timezone). he was in his early 20s and had just moved out on his own and it was way too soon for him to go. just a week or two ago i was watching the kaika and vwp gensho concerts with him at 4 in the morning. he was around literally everyday - me and my friends found out about his death so soon because we were concerned that he was gone for just one day, and on the second day we reached out to one of his IRL friends to find out where he was. he was often in the hospital so i was hoping he was just afk for a particularly long time in the hospital and he would send a picture of his iv drip and the ceiling like he always did. i could not have imagined this would be the time he didn't make it. it is going to be weird not hearing from him literally everyday like i have been for the past 2-3 years. i am really struggling with this, i have had friends pass away but never any this close to me. i'm trying to keep myself together for his sake

leave it to me to process strong emotions through pokemon i guess but i loaded up SV to give the pichu the best friends ribbon so it says "the Great Friend" when sent out. i can't nickname it due to the fateful encounter flag but i've given him the name Anemo in my mind at least since our main shared interest that we met over was Kamitsubaki, and his favorite singer was Isekaijoucho, and the flower things in her hair are called Anemos (short for Anemones) and i thought naming him in a small way after something he loved and an interest we shared would benice

i also did a nuzlocke a while back where i had some special rulings to do with naming all my encounters after my friends from the friend group me and riku were in - the pokemon everyone got assigned were random and decided by spinning a wheel, and riku ended up being my flygon that came to the E4 and everything

i wasn't planning on ribbon mastering any pokemon from that playthrough, but now i really want to RM this flygon specifically. transfer him up and take him with me yknow

riku was not a pokemon fan in particular, but it was something we shared/bonded over - he used to ping me whenever he saw art of any kamitsubaki character with pokemon, and he went out of his way to celebrate that interest with me, even thru our language barrier

his favorite musician of all time was Kanzaki Iori, and some months ago he put out a call for fans to send him pictures he could use in the youtube videos for some cover songs he was doing. riku submitted photos, and on two occasions his photos were actually included - we didn't share pictures of ourselves or our real life often, so these were some of his rare photos of his real life presence

i can't stop listening to these. i cannot imagine how many times he listened to them himself. he was so happy about his photos being in these videos

i'll make a more proper memorial post at a later time (i want to draw something dedicated to him) but i just sort of wanted to ramble about this to get some thoughts out of my head in a public space. riku didn't have a ton of people in his IRL life and we were just friends over the internet but i want him to be remembered and i want my feelings today to be saved somewhere. eventually it'll get easier but for now it's still really raw

[youremyheaven]

hi, this is my second time sending it and i pray you receive it. i'm the 22yo anon with the relationships, social dread and sexuality question. ill try my best to rewrite as quick as possible. i would like to be guided and need your big sister advise,,, i don't know how to ask and word my issues smoothly 😓😓,,, (context- ive known to be demiromantic and little to no fixation on sex, on the asexual spectrum?) so i just turned 22 and have a crush and looks like he too likes me the same and im sure its going to get serious,, i have been nervous about talking about my preferences with my crush because someday i have to explain to them because i have friends and peers around me asking me to "get some" and that it's normal and it's how it'll change my asexuality?? to them im just faking being uncomfortable around bed talk even though i agree i can be the holiest nun but i do catch myself having the highest libido therefore take care of myself without needing anyone from time to time. pleasing for me felt like an annoying itch that needed to be scratched like most people,,, corn doesn't do it for me so I never understood the hype and didn't feel a thing,,, yes I have crushes but im not aching and wanting to bang them,, a bunch of my peers have at a young age and unsafely which got one of them pregnant, being in indian society it's looked down upon and what my friend had to go through was rough and it had a huge impact,,, though my parents are forward thinking people and openly and safely talked about this topic with me without having shame tied to it and my mother also makes it a comfortable space,, im not shaming anyone who engages in activities like these and i also understand that its human nature and it's how we procreate and evolve yet i still get very uncomfortable around sexual scenes in movies maybe it's my own childhood trauma causing this feeling of dread and discomfort from my childhood,,,,

besides my friends and family, i shared my asexuality to my aunt and baby cousin,,,,, they were supportive but kept being skeptic like my peers would saying this is temporary 💀 that i need to get laid asap which bothered me sm,,, my cousin now (a party, club going personality) too has engaged in activities with her exes since she was a preteen and im the only one in the fam who knows (desi household is no joke) and im worried for her safety though she seems independent but i do feel concerned and wonder if i should let her be because she has been distant and lord knows who she is with next,,,,she's much much younger but coming from a wealthy family kinda looks down on me and for not having any relationship experiences so distanced herself from me which hurts,,, bottom line i feel ostracized to a degree by people i care about and there is this insane pressure to have to talk about my trauma and issues around sex,,, as they say it's a man's birth right and they all want it at some point and so will your crush or men will leave you the minute they get that repulsion??😓

i might consider it for my man someday but i don't want it to affect my relationship with men??

how do i face people when im not taken seriously or call it a nun phase? i don't want to lose men over this and who better than you to ask,,,, im typing and im all teared up,,, i need clarity on how to approach this better without having internalized any pain, guilt for feeling the way i do. you can answer when you're ready and sorry i made it too long 😞😣

This is my third attempt

"this is my third attempt" 😭😭😭

girlie ur not going for JEE mains 😭😭this is just my inbox

(for non desis, JEE is a highly competitive college entrance exam,, ppl prepare for it for YEARS and some ppl commit suicide when they cant crack it 🤡 explaining it is taking the fun away from the joke but thought id give u context <33)

but ANYWAYYYS

first of all dont apologize for the long ask or for sharing your experiences,, I GOTCHU 😘💛

now about your question:

one thing u need to know is that the right person will NEVER EVER make u feel "compelled" to have sex,, ive had partners during my celibate era who i didnt even kiss lol and they were entirely fine with it

pls dont listen to your friends and family and believe that sex is something you OWE your partner/men. i had many nasty friends tell me the same or try to convince me that i "should" do it bc otherwise its not a "real" relationship and im so glad i never listened to them<33

i also know many women who are waiting for marriage to have sex but have boyfriends atm. they all have different degrees of intimacy that they're okay with (some go up to oral and leave penetrative intercourse for marriage, others just kiss, makeout and cuddle) but u can also have a zero intimacy relationship. if a man wants you and wants to be with you, HE WILL DO ANYTHING. i once told a guy (he was 21 and i was 23 and he wanted to date me) that im celibate and dont want to have sex and he said "thats perfectly fine, i didnt ask you out to sleep with you, i want to be with you, whatever your terms are, thats fine by me" and honestly there are MANY such dudes out there,, not every guy is a porn addicted weirdo who believes u OWE them sex 🤮🤢🤢🤮

u dont have to have casual sex if you dont want to!! esp since you're a virgin, i think its important for you to be wise about your partner and choose someone who is considerate and caring!!! THIS IS NOT A RACE, you can have sex later in life, i assure you its nothing special if you feel "compelled" to do it/dont like your partner/dont feel comfortable.

having another person inside u is as intimate as two people can be and it is so vulnerable,, dont rush it and dont do it with someone u dont trust to take you through the experience tenderly!!!

i think you just need to drop your friends lol,, they sound unhealthy

if i dont include my r4pist, then ive had sex with 3 people (i dont actually want to include baldie tbh but 🤢🤮) and 2 of those were with a partner (1 is my current partner) and those experiences were so pleasant and wonderful<3 ive had people tell me i "should" try casual sex 🙄but its not for me and even now i tell you, i have no issues staying celibate, i think its better to just not have sex than to have dissatisfying sex ://

you wont "lose" men over sex lol, you might lose immature men but those are exactly the guys u want nothing to do with!!! its a great way to weed them out!!!

i follow a 5 date rule with sex actually. i have to like him enough to go on atleast 5 dates with him before we do anything intimate,, if he seems impatient or too eager or whatever, then cut his nasty ass out,,

(this is just general advice for anyone, i know you dont want to have sex<3)

stop telling people your personal business btw!! you dont have to share your sex life or lack thereof with all your friends bc its none of their business at the end of the day. ESPECIALLY since they dont seem to understand where youre coming from, you should stop sharing this stuff with them. this is not info that you owe them just bc ya'll are friends. i absolutely hate sharing my personal business with my "friends" and all the times i have, i absolutely regretted it. i hate that kind of interference. like YOU dont get to have an opinion about my life lol??

basically, stay private, you do you, nothing wrong with being asexual or being celibate, sex is overhyped and most men dont know how to fck (sorry to speak facts) and the right partner wont want sex from you. there are men who take care of bedridden partners. love makes anything possible. and i hope you find someone who truly genuinely loves you so that you never have to worry about any of this.

i also hope you get better friends!!!<33

wishing u the best,

Heaven<3

[coffeebean-transmasc-experience]

tw// mentions of csa, sa, radfem, f-slur

(sorry, this is v rambly but i’ve never really told anyone abt this so i’m still gathering my thoughts)

so i suppose i could share my perspective/experience with being amab transmasc; i feel a sense of connection with the label is because so much of my identity has been interlinked with masculinity and my connection and relationship to it evolving. that relationship has evolved physically, psychologically, emotionally, socially, and aesthetically

like ive spent far more time in transmasc circles, i’m often assumed to be transmasc based off of how i dress/talk/identify/etc (esp bc of stereotypes), plus i’ve been incredibly close with, befriended, dated, and loved many transmascs in my life.

like so much of this has connected to how i feel abt masculinity; when i was younger, i felt so alienated and avoidant of masculinity due to trauma from near-exclusively masculine people - to me, masculinity was dangerous, violent, sexual, and inherently harmful towards me. it took me years to feel safe around masculine people, to forgive myself for my fear, to embrace the masc parts of myself and not feel obligated to be feminine, to feel comfortable honouring masculine deities, to feel that i did not have to hate masculinity.

seeing transmascs was foundational for this, like seeing the confidence, gentleness, strength, and their love of their masculinity felt so affirming; like, i could see if as something to love and cherish - vs the radfem perspective that treated it as a monster to be hated and scorned. there is such a concentrated effort by radfems and terfs to make us hate masculinity, which only hurt me more. it taught me that men were inherently bad, inherently harmful, and could not change - that their base nature was to hurt me. and that scared me. i felt like there was no other option, so being exposed to this allowed me to feel safe, to believe that men can be better, are better, and are not inherently bad. radfem ideology felt like giving up, whereas transmasculinity gave me hope.

i never fell down the terf/radfem/tirf rabbitholes bc i knew their logic was reactionary and absurd, but it nonetheless affected me. seeing the way men were spoken about felt like it targeted people like me to weaponise our fear and trauma from masculine people to turn it into support for them.

being denied the ability to be masculine as a kid also affected my relationship with masculinity; while i never felt a strong connection with gender as a child (at least not in a binary way - i never saw things as man/women but rather as, simply, things), however, i was often forced to choose. and being the fem queer kid meant i was pushed away from masculinity. i was encouraged towards feminine hobbies, feminine presentation, feminine spaces - in art programs i was a soft, sensitive creative; in sports programs i was a weak faggot. as such, i felt like i never really had the choice of my gender. while i don’t regret any of the gender affirming stuff i’ve underwent (nor anything i intend to undergo), i felt like i had to. i felt like i had to.

while i don’t mind the fact that i’m feminine (like i’m pretty much always read as a girl by cis ppl), my experiences with being pressured to be feminine are inherently linked to trauma for me. i was extensively sexually abused as a child, with multiple abusers targeting me bc of my appearance, so it’s always felt to me like my body doesn’t belong to me; so being forced to be feminine, especially when that presentation was - in my mind - linked to trauma, felt like i was once again not being in control of my body, that i was just a doll to be used by anyone

when i came out to my mom, it was basically like “okay well then youre a binary woman now” - despite that not being what i came out as - so i then had to fulfill that role. i had to be feminine, hyperfeminine and cisnormative, to be treated as valid, as real. any deviation from that was punished, scolded, and looked down upon - i never got to define femininity for myself but instead had to fulfill an ever-narrowing role set out for me. i thought that coming out would’ve broadened my ability to express myself, but all it did was tighten the rigid frame of gender around me.

it especially created a struggle for me because i came out at such a young age; i knew i was non-binary from basically birth, so i had years of figuring out my own identity before i started coming out to people, which created this huge gap between how i felt/identified vs how people treated/identified me when i came out to them (this is MASSIVELY influenced by my autism as well)

while i don’t think i would ever, say, go on t or whatever else (bc, god, have i had enough of medical transitioning at this point), i feel the label of transmasc gives me freedom. it gives me the freedom to express my gender as i feel. like, genuinely, buying a binder was one of the most freeing choices i’ve ever made. while i don’t hate my chest, realising i could choose to bind is so incredibly freeing. like, the idea of transmasculine femininity has freed my expression of my gender to be whatever i want - to be androgynous, to be masculine, to be feminine, to be a masc person who presents fem, or whatever else i want it to be.

so that’s my experience

Wow, thank you so much for sharing your experience. That's so wonderful that the transmasc label could help you so much, and I'm glad you've learned to accept yourself. That is such a unique and bittersweet journey, and it's amazing you've come so far despite all of the difficult and terrible things that happened. That sucks that you went through all that, but I'm so glad you could accept yourself and your masculinity. Thanks again for sharing.

I don't know what to say, I'm bad at articulating what I'm thinking/feeling, but that was genuinely so moving. I appreciate it anon, thanks for sending in the ask.

(Side note: don't apologize for rambling! You can send in as many asks as you want and make them as long as you need /gen. The whole point of this blog is for someone to be here to listen.)

[etherealmach1ne]

- Intro Post ⋆｡°✩

| Hello! My name is Ori/Bee/Star or V1 and i am 20. This is primarily my otherkin/personal blog, however ill probably post whatever. ^^

i'm an artist and occasional animator, i also do livestreams every so often. i love drawing robots or fanart of things i like, i also draw furries. I am autistic, adhd and likely (quiet) bpd.

i am agender, my pronouns are they/he/it/bot. i do not mind most gendered terms (although i tend to prefer the masc ones, there is exceptions) so you can use he or "look at the little guy!" the way you would if you saw a little robot wearing a fancy hat. Im also Greysexual and Queer.

My Kins/Kintypes (will go more in depth another time)

Robotkin/Machinekin - Nonspecific, i feel this with anything that could be referred to as a machine, electronic or mechanical. Although with robots im most attached to ones with non-humanoid faces. This was the first kin-thing i discovered about myself!

Angelkin - i believe this is also nonspecific, but im most drawn to multiple winged ones, the statues of angels, or depictions of them being abstract like beings of pure light.

Fictionkin - v Here is a list of my fictional character kins v

Starscream (Transformers) - My highest(and most intense) kin, mainly G1 starscream or similar versions (earthspark and some comics). He is incredibly important to me. Skyfire also plays an important comfort role to me because of this kin, I do ship them so i am incredibly attached to them both.

Bumblebee (Transformers) - Much less intense of a kin, i mainly kin G1 or the bumblebee movie version (or similar ones in some comics once again)

V1 (ULTRAKILL) - Realised this kin at the same time i realised i was robotkin! Was also a very intense kin, however its calmed down as im hyperfixated on starscream/transformers at the moment.

Questioning/not sure

Starkin - This may link with Angelkin, as i do see stars and angels as connected/appearing similar.. not sure.

Birdkin - Same thing, i do very much relate with having wings. some of their behaviours i also feel attached to, but im unsure if its just because i associate them with other kins..

Deerkin - Ive had certain shifts that seem to align with deer, ive always been quite drawn to them.

Foxkin - i connect a lot with the way foxes act and used to identify with them a lot in my early teen years, some shifts ive had could also align with them.

Interests (some, at least..)

Transformers (current special interest) | Robots/anything mechanical (also special interest)

Space/Sci-fi | Character analysis (or overanalysing..) | Art/Animation (of course)

(Any kind of) Science ( i am not smart enough to understand it fully but im autistic enough to find it exciting regardless /hj)

Video games in general (ULTRAKILL, Undertale/Deltarune, Fnaf, Splatoon, Portal, to name a few) | Phasmophobia/Lethal Company/Among us

Clowns/Jesters | Markiplier (his videos and his projects) | Good omens

Other

With fictional kins i do tend to feel discomfort with doubles (people who share the same kin) however you can still interact, i do try to look past the discomfort.

DNI if youre a weirdo (proship, homophobe/transphobe, racist, ect.)

i'll likely never post anything entirely nsfw here, but im not sure about suggestive stuff,. it will be tagged if i do, so if you dont want to see that it should be easily filtered out! i'll likely leave it all below a "read more" anyway just to be safe.

Dont be shy to interact! whether its to ask questions or anythin!

[pombeom]

trigger warning (sexual crimes mentioned)

hey pombeom here,

i was gonna finish writing a fic for a request today but the whole taeil incident really threw me off and it got me thinking about how we can never trust the idols we see on screen. i don’t stan nct but i did for a few months back in 2020/2021 and you would never have thought that taeil was capable of something like this. i’m very much disappointed and enraged by his behaviour and i hope he gets what he deserves and that the victim/(s) are supported in every way. plus the news of the nth room again in korea just drove me over the edge. apparently around 200 male idols were involved and i’m starting to fear that some of the groups i stan are the wrong type of people. this just shows that we never fully know the ppl we are fans of.

this isn’t the type of content i wanted to be posting on here as i want this to be a positive space but ive been disturbed by all the news today and its gotten to the point where my trust is being broken. i just needed somewhere to share my thoughts and anyone who thinks taeil’s actions are acceptable pls unfollow immediately. i don’t want to be interacting with someone who supports a sex offender.

once i clear my mind of this incident, i shall be posting again. i even had a few new ideas yesterday that i was gonna work on so maybe i can actually get to writing them soon.

if anyone wants any information on any of this or wants to talk for any reason please feel free to reach out and message me. once again sorry that i’m having to talk about this instead of posting a fic, but this topic is very important to me even though i haven’t gone through it myself. i know people im very close to experience sexual harassment and it’s something that gets me so angry. i just needed to get this off my chest so bad. thank you of you for to the end of this long rant but i just need ppl to understand the seriousness of this.

-pombeom

[ilovejoyjessie]

Hidden Figures #1 (Wake by Richard Serra) || IV.

I started to accept the possibility that I didn't quite fit any group mold here as a transplant because those molds weren't large enough to accommodate all of me. I've always been difficult to be exactly boxed, easily sorted or slid between figures around me. In my art, in my beliefs and my day to day life...I have complex turns and curves to me and make shapes of many kinds. I am part some things and other parts another, a custom make. Aren't we all? Even so, my not-easily-sorted ways had never seemed to be a barrier to fully connecting with others - until I moved here.

.

In the spaces I'd found myself in, in other cities I'd lived, you and who you were mattered more than the group identity you shared with others. You had common connections and origin stories, but at some point your views and experiences splintered off - but rarely did that change the dynamic of your group or the volume of your voice within it. It wasn't assumed you'd be exactly like the people in whatever group you found yourself in.

.

I was used to the acceptance of newcomers and nuance to a group: Clashing shapes on a canvas, the rowdy, passionate dissonance that came from discourse and teasing jokes among its members - and the understanding that, even with their apparent differences, no one belonged to the scenery any less. There was freedom to be one's full self. No shrinking for fitting. They saw your curves and angles and made room for them, creating a mosaic of people whose ideas and beliefs were brought together by common community.

.

But here in Seattle, it seemed the groups I found myself in and around thrived off their choruses of "Me too", "I feel the same way", of "We all know...", and "I think we can all say that..."s. But with all their scripts for their language, culture, interests, values, and etiquette there seemed to be no script for responses of, "I feel differently", "That's not what I think" or "That working for you doesn't mean it works for me". It felt like if I was out of step with the rest of the group, I was the one making the wrong curve; when my different arcs and waves, my different experiences, beliefs and existences appeared, an air of defensiveness entered the room or a quick silence hung in the air after they noticed me shifting. No probing, no pondering, no jokes or pokes. Just a return to the forms the group's always known, back to the angles by which the group abides.

.

I've seen and appreciated the ways in which the Seattle area prides itself on its tight-knit communities. But as a perpetual outsider, I've also seen how its groups seem to sing their choruses so loudly it's easy for them to tune out voices of difference - to not recognize a different note being sung. Either newcomers know the chorus or they just don't sing along - otherwise, when they sing a different verse, everyone seems to notice.

.

I've lived on both sides of the lines I've seen these groups draw in the sand. I've lived on both sides of a lot of lines. But it's been so long since I've felt I had to "fit in", slide cleanly into a mold, to make meaningful connections instead of feeling I was accepted the way I wholly am, curves fitting in or not. Would it really benefit me to start doing that now? Reduce myself to just one of my many aspects? Temper my complexities and angles just to fit the Seattle spaces I've found myself in?

.

I could give into the tight-knit sameness around me, do my best to mimic the shapes and movements and people around me...or I could break free of the idea that the only way to succeed in the landscape I found myself in was to fit neatly into it.