#like its several things an episode that goes nowhere

[grimbeak]

dont even talk to me right now

[fictionadventurer]

1980 Pride and Prejudice Episode 1 Thoughts

I'm kind of digging the low-budget 1980s artificiality. Feels comfortable.

Love Mr. and Mrs. Bennet, and the way the script highlights the sitcom vibes of the story, especially in their scenes.

This Lizzie is amazing. She's lively, witty, mischievous, but without feeling like a modern girl in Regency dress. I think I started to fall a little bit in love with her.

Not too fond of Jane so far. Maybe I'm too influenced by other adaptations' takes on her, but she just doesn't act like Jane. I didn't even know which sister was Jane until after the first ball.

This Bingley's a touch too much on the buffoonish side. Though the scenes of banter with Darcy and Lizzie were well-done.

(I'm a bit disappointed they cut out a lot of banter in the letter-writing scene. Now "if Darcy were not such a great tall fellow" seems to come out of nowhere, because we don't get Bingley's witty rejoinder about "comparative heights and sizes").

I'm surprised by how much focus there is on Mary, though disappointed that they portray her piano-playing as "she's terrible" and not "she's better than Lizzie but too stiff and artificial".

Also a lot of Kitty and Lydia! Excellent! (We get the coughing scene!)

Sir William Lucas and Charlotte are both very good.

Everything I've ever heard about this adaptation has focused on how robotic this Darcy is. I guess that skewed my expectations, because I found him shockingly expressive. He's reserved, haughty, and wears his good breeding like a mask, but he's not inhuman. There are plenty of moments where he loosens up a bit, or where we can see the humanity behind the iron control. Like the letter-writing scene--Darcy goes after Bingley for boasting about his poor handwriting, and it might seem like he's just being a pedantic stick-in-the-mud, but he was so straight-faced about it that it was clear to me that he was joking around with a friend.

That first scene with Darcy did feel more like these people were telling us how proud Darcy was before he had a chance to show them.

That first moment with Elizabeth made me realize that the worst thing Darcy says is not "not handsome enough to tempt me" but "I am in no humor to give consequence to young ladies who are slighted by other men." Ouch.

Fascinated by how much of the narration is put into dialogue (and how well it usually works).

There were several points where the dialogue seemed too stilted and artificial, but it's almost word-for-word from the book, so I can't really complain.

I did find myself wondering how well this works for people who don't know the book. Sure, it's almost word-for-word (if abridged and rearranged in places), but is it engaging on its own merits, or just a satisfying watch for the book-loving pedants who can tell it's word-for-word? Because the style of this feels like something that most people wouldn't find engaging if they didn't already know the story.

[theflyindutchwoman]

Back to their fight : now that I've had some time to process, what strikes me the most is how this is the first time we truly saw Lucy and Tim in a fight like this. One of this magnitude. I don't mean between them… I mean in general, in their previous relationships. With Chris, with Ashley… And it goes back to this whole 'worth the effort' thematic that is the cornerstone of their romantic relationship. How they fight for each other. And how they sometimes fight with the other (that, we have seen before when Lucy was still a rookie).

In that regard, it was interesting to see them go at it - even if it didn't last long. Because there was so much subtext in that fight. The fact that Lucy's mind jumped straight to this idea that Tim would undermine her because of his own fears was rather loud. In the context of the episode, it seemed that it came out of nowhere since Tim was actively encouraging her to keep doing UC work regardless of the detective exam. But in the context of their last fight, in 5.21, it drives home some of the issues that still need to be addressed. "If this is gonna work between us, I need to know that you can see the difference [between Isabel and me]. / Of course I can.". Tim does have his own fair share of trauma, one that he has acknowledged since day one (or two), like he himself said. But he hasn't fully acknowledged how this could impact them. Impact Lucy. How she is basically tiptoeing around him because she doesn't know how he truly feels. It's a conversation that she has tried to have with him several times and every time he has walked away - until that last scene in 5.21. It can take its toll after a while. Because she clearly doesn't believe fully him when he says he's okay with her doing undercover work. And he did walk away again here… Only, it didn't feel as much as a deflection and avoidance this time around. More like his way of leaving before it turned really ugly. Especially since he was the one who tried to have this conversation in the first place. Their emotions were running high, Lucy was still spiralling and he was hurt by her accusations… From experience, that's where things can get nasty. And odds are, this fight wasn't going to go anywhere. They weren't in the right headspace for this to be constructive. But what I found interesting was his parting words : "let's just take the night off, all right?! I'll see you tomorrow". I don't know, it somehow didn't feel as abrupt as before. It wasn't as vague as 'we'll figure it out' for instance. But this fight was necessary, if only to bring to the surface all the doubts, the fears they have. To get to that conversation they keep postponing. This picked up where 5.21 left off. That's a good thing. Hopefully this isn't going to be completely brushed away in the next episode. We need to see some aftermath.

[toastywatchesstevenuniverse]

S1 E43

Maximum Capacity

Okay so this entire episode just made me feel like....uncomfortable? Like the entire time I just kept feeling so off. Like my brain was going "okay this is way too weird, why do I feel like there's gonna be some horrifying plot twist?"

Then it fucking happened & I felt like a psychic. Like holy shit it wasn't just me, this episode was purposely uncomfortable on purpose & idk how the fuck they did that but WOW the entire episode made me feel so uneasy & it was legit for a reason.

Also ngl Amethyst....kinda just super fucked up to do that- Like I haven't LOVED Greg as a character so far (he's there but I mean him lying about his leg, good intentions or not, was a pretty shitty move & also he's just kinda not that great of a dad but I also understand that's literally the point so I'm not gonna just toss aside his character because I'm assuming he's supposed to get better as the show goes on. For now: I just kinda feel nothing strong towards him character wise), but oh my God this episode just made me feel so bad for the guy. Holy shit like this dude just misses his wife. Fuck. I'm surprised how much he kept his cool here. Like he didn't blow up at Amethyst or anything he was like super quick to forgive her despite the fact that he kinda would have been super justified in being upset for this. But I like that this was how it was done. No scene of them fighting or yelling, Amethyst just chooses to do something to make up for it without Greg having to lecture her. In that regard: it actually made her seem way more sincere. Like she had to make that choice via her own genuine remorse. I'm wording this badly I think but like I think that it made her seem like she really was trying to attone for it & that she really did regret what she did.

And honeslty after On The Run? With the knowledge that, knowing how severely fucked up Amethyst is mental health wise, yeah her lashing out at people like this? And saying/doing extremely shitty things because she's upset & she doesn't have the capacity to hold herself back & only realizes how badly she fucked up until its too late? Yeah as someone who has that kinda mental health shit as I said in my post about that episode?....yeah, that's pretty accurate tbh. In my experience that's something I can confirm does happen. So yeah it actually makes sense why she did something so extreme out of fucking nowhere.

I have said a lot of really regrettable shit to people that I'm friends with (Sometimes idk how I'm still friends with them after bc I still feel bad about it yet they seem to insist I'm forgiven) during times where I was really fucking upset. And it's only until RIGHT after it happens that I fully go "oh shit that was a really bad thing to say & I made the situation significantly worse" Yet just like irl, they forgive. *cries*

Really well done character focused episode. They did fucking stellar character writing here.

OH WHAT YOU THOUGHT I WASNT GONNA GO INSANE GOBLIN MODE ABOUT PEARL????? TOO BAD PEARL TIME

OH MY GOD SHES IN A SWEATER AND SHES DOING HER BEST YES PEARL YOUR VOLUME IS PERFECT YOURE DOING AMAZING AAAAAAAA SHES SO CUTE AND HUGGABLE LOOK AT HER SHES THE CHARACTER OF ALL TIME !!!!!!

[sea-dwelling-wizard]

my interpretation of stolas and blitz's relationship + ranting that goes nowhere

just look my way was the most beautiful mv ive ever seen. stolas 😭😭😭😭😭 bbg are you okay (he's not)

i've read through the comments on this video and i agree with, well, all of them! one really struck me, though:

i love this theory!

i have another one to add to this; several, actually!!

can the moon signify blitz's heavy emotional barrier? blitz is shown hiding behind the moon's outer crust in a protective position.

what i think is that he's protecting his heart, his soul; one that has been hurt many times in the past. he's suffered through the accident that led to fizzarolli losing his arms, his horns, etc., he's been through a breakup for a relationship that meant to validate his feelings, that yes, he can love, he could have someone love him, but all that happened was a breakup and public humiliation at asmodeus's lounge. and then there's his presumably dead mother and frustrated sister.

blitz doesn't want that to happen again. he's built such an emotional wall around his heart and his body that he doesn't realize stolas loves him. he doesn't want to get hurt. he's shown tucked away into the depths of the moon, curled up.

now, stolas--

i've been thinking about him a lot. the end really got me theorizing. he falls into the water, and he reaches his hand out only to 'drown' and wake up to reality, the asmodeus crystal on his desk.

i love that segment of the song so so much!!!!!!!

my favorite depressed owl boy hshshshshshshshhshs ily stolas <3

the moon affects the waves of the sea. it reflects its light on the water and no matter how far they go, they always go deep. the moon provides light for the creatures above and below. the sea is deep, it's alluring, and it drowns those who are too weak, cowardly, or overconfident.

stolas is drowning in it. the sea implies his deep feelings for blitz. what started as a one-night affair led to something more, and that was love. he's never been in love, and all this is new to him, but he's being acknowledged yet pushed away by blitz (see emotional barriers above). i feel like their emotions are mutual; however, neither can express it properly.

stolas is trying so hard.

at face value, blitz seems... ignorant? cold? busy? i, on the other hand, think he's trying not to get too close. there was a theory in that episode's comment section that blitz is not too educated and is trying his best to communicate. i have mixed feelings about that one.

the lyrics signify stolas letting blitz making his own choice, whether he wants the crystals or if he wants to continue the deal. i fear blitz will have the wrong idea on seeing the crystals. hopefully they clear everything up??????????? i might be hoping too much for a show that's bound to end in tragedy 😔

one more thing!!!

in the truth seekers episode, stolas had blitz on a leash.

could this mean that blitz thinks stolas is truly in control? that stolas decides where their relationship goes from now on?? stolas is royalty, so its natural blitz thinks so. he looks scared? hesitant? is he too hesitant... to do what? to accept stolas loves him? to accept that their relationship is bad in a way? to accept that he loves him? to accept what?!

stolas is smiling in this scene, but it was all a truth poison trip, meaning that's how blitz perceived him before. in the later episodes, i feel like this perception changed. it still hurts to see this, though.

tl;dr: the sea, or the water body seen near the end of the mv can either be stolas's deep feelings for blitz or a metaphor for his chaotic life. blitz has protective walls around his heart to protect himself from further harm. blitz feels stolas is in control of their relationship.

dear god this show is so well written- i could write more but alas i have other things to do

[themattress]

Gundam: The Witch From Mercury >>> Code Geass: Lelouch of the Rebellion.

EXCEPT on one major count.

Ichiro Okouchi wrote both giant mecha anime series that balanced campy over-the-top spectacle and wacky school life shenanigans with serious socio-political and military writing along with mature philosophical and emotional themes. The largest differences is that Code Geass was divided into four cours (the first two being just Lelouch of the Rebellion and the second two being Lelouch of the Rebellion R2) while The Witch From Mercury was only two cours, and on Code Geass Okouchi was assisted in the writing process by Hiroyuki Yoshino, who is also known for extreme melodramatic works such as My-HiME and My-Otome.

While possibly an unpopular opinion, I believe that the lack of another pair of cours was actually good for Witch as it helped it avoid the fate that befell Geass. For all its gleeful stupidity, Geass had genuine substance and intrigue in its first pair of cours, and it all went out the window in the second pair. It was better Witch quit while it was ahead than risk the same happening to it. The lack of Yoshino also helped, as it meant Okouchi's worst instincts as a writer were more curbed rather than aided and abetted. A perfect example is to compare a major climactic event in Geass' first season vs. a similar one in Witch. In Geass, the big shark-jumping moment for the show was toward the end of its first season where a major political procedure centered around a princess wanting to do right by the people her family has oppressed but manipulated by more sinister interests was to occur, and of course it would all go wrong and there would be a lot of carnage and devastation that makes things worse instead of better. But instead of this being accomplished in a way that made logical sense that was set up by the narrative and the characters, it's because of an out-of-nowhere, completely uncharacteristic joke that happens to be made when a mind controlling power reaches the point of going outside its user's control. The mind-controlled princess goes on a civilian killing spree and in the end gets put down by a single bullet (which her nation's medical science can't treat despite saving a foreigner who was riddled with bullets several episodes earlier) so that her love interest feels man pain that will advance his character while all the potential of hers is casually discarded. This was the point where Geass lost its way.

By contrast, in Witch we have a major political procedure centered around a sort-of princess wanting to do right by the people her family has oppressed but manipulated by more sinister interests occurring, and of course it all goes wrong and there's a lot of carnage and devastation that makes things worse instead of better. But it is accomplished in a way that, shock of shocks, makes logical sense that was set up by the narrative and characters! It feels like a tragedy that was inevitable rather than one that happened out of nowhere because someone suddenly decided to make a joke about genocide. And of course, the princess-type character actually gets to live with the consequences and grow from them to redeem herself. This is what should have happened on Geass: Lelouch should have deliberately sabotaged Euphemia's procedure just as he was intending to, only to be met with unforeseen and unwanted consequences when Schniezel retaliates with extreme prejudice, similar to how Prospera's sabotage of Miorine ended up setting off Shaddiq to go full school shooter.

So, with all that said, what's the one major thing Geass has over Witch?

While in Witch the main protagonist is Suletta Mercury, her mother Prospera is the character with a more direct correlation to Lelouch: a strategically brilliant, personally manipulative and theatrically charismatic individual who wears a metallic mask and yearns for both revenge and the creation of a new, better world no matter how many lives they have to take to achieve these goals, and who will use their loved ones as a justification for the selfish things they do.

Even though Geass developed a bad habit in its second season of glorifying Lelouch despite his atrocities in order to pander to his popularity, it never fully lost the plot on him (that only happened in the later, separate continuity film Lelouch of the Resurrection, but we're not talking about that garbage here). The narrative's position was still that he did wrong and that he had to pay for it in the end; he himself acknowledged this and even ensured that it happened! Additionally, as awful as he could be Lelouch was a teenager, and he had been wronged when he was a mere child, so there was still a degree of sympathy and leeway that the viewer could offer him, since the adults and systems in his life legitimately failed him.

Prospera, on the other hand, ended up feeling validated for all of the horrible actions she undertook. Instead of accepting and facing the consequences like Lelouch did, she gets off scot-free because someone else rather spontaneously decides to take the blame for her. Her living victims forgive her and the dead people she was seeking revenge for even show up to say they're proud of her! The discussion that she created more victims and by her own vengeful logic is fair game to be targeted for revenge by one of them is never had! Worse is that she was already a grown woman when the tragedy that sparked her into seeking revenge and a better world transpired, and roughly half of her villainy involves manipulating children! Many viewers say the sudden endgame Death Star type laser was the worst thing Witch did, but I beg to differ: that would have been fine had Okouchi been granted more time to set it up, which would have happened if he wasn't forcibly saddled by the higher-ups with a subplot he never intended to eat up the time that it did (Guel and his stupid family drama). There is no such excuse with this decision. Okouchi just decided she was an uwu victim.

I can accept the Death Star type laser. I can even accept Suletta's big Deus ex Machina peace-sparking victory in the final battle because that's kind of a Gundam franchise tradition at this point and there have been far worse versions of it. But I cannot accept a murderous terrorist facing no repercussions and even getting rewarded for their crimes in the end. For all that went wrong in it, Geass knew (at its time as a series anyway) that Lelouch couldn't live Happily Ever After in a peaceful world with his sister; not after he'd denied so many others that same chance. But Prospera gets to live Happily Ever After in a peaceful world with the daughters and daughter-in-law that she abused, and we're just supposed to be OK with that.

You did better here overall, Okouchi, but you still need to go back to writing school.

[salternateunreality2]

MDZS aka SephZack adventures update: episodes 14-23 SHUT UP I'M AN ADULT I CAN WATCH 9 EPISODES IN A ROW IF MY BABIES ARE IN DANGER

Cough

Anyway

Spoilers...

------

Zack: let's fight the tortoise of slaughter!!!!

Sephiroth: *stares in besotted wtf*

Zack: no, it'll be super cool, we can kill it and get the glory and solve the mystery and most importantly, I won't be bored waiting for Genesis to get back!

Sephiroth: *stares in besotted 'bruh, my leg is broke, you ribs is broke, we both got open wounds, we're starving to death, and you want to fight a giant tortoise'*

Zack: no really, I checked and we can't get out, so I'mma be super bored. Come onnnnnn, it'll be fun! 🐶🐶🐶🐶🐶🐶♥️🐶🐶🐶🐶🐶🐶🐶🐶🐶

Sephiroth: ...this is going to be our entire relationship, isn't it? Ok.

Zack: YESSSSSS, after we make some weapons, I'll jump into its shell because apparently that's a thing I can do!

Sephiroth: ...ok

---------------

The fight with the dick head (literally) Tortoise of Slaughter (solid naming decision) goes great, but Zack succumbs to the infection he undoubtedly got from SWIMMING WITH AN OPEN WOUND AND PROBABLY BROKEN RIBS, THEN RUNNING AROUND THE FESTERING INNARDS OF A TORTOISE OF SLAUGHTER.

Sure, the evil sword energy probably didn't help, and I'm sure canon is saying "um, actually" as we speak, but come on, Zack. The magic grass you packed into your boo's leg wound next to the weirdly short, unsanitary sticks was limited.

---------

The whole fight, Zack is battling with the evil sword miasma, and Sephiroth is making this face:

It's very cute, I am HERE for it.

--------

Zack: 😵

Sephiroth: 😦😦😦😦 you have a fever!!!

Salty: gee I wonder why

Zack: mmm sing me a song

Salty: how about medical treatment, such as getting you out of the wet clothes, sharing spiritual energy, prying your hands off the evil sword that made you sick...

Sephiroth: ok *sings in simp*

Zack: 🥴😵‍💫 what's that song called?

Sephiroth: Wangxian, our ship name, but I don't say it out loud so the Chinese censors are happy ❤️

Zack: ❤️😵‍💫🥴🐶❤️😵

Salty: ffs, if cuteness could cure stupidity, we wouldn't be in this situation, but as it is, keep trying to fix his stupidity/fever with adorableness, it's working for my shipping heart.

---------

The next [way too many] episodes:

------

Then Wen Ning aka Cloud comes in clutch! Wen Ning is baby, and he is BEST BABY EVER ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️🐥

-------

Some quick plot points:

Genesis gets degradation, Zack gets him out of it.

Gen's girlfriend helps because she's nice (?) like that.

Gen's parents die.

A war happens with zombie degradation clones.

Zack gets yeeted by the villains into a den of unmitigated horror (not Hojo's labs, but just as nasty).

Everything sucks.

I sat on the toilet to cry into my shirt, not knowing why. It was because I watched the sad thing in my room and the toilet was the only place where the sad wasn't happening. Also it took me a full several hours to realize watching a sad thing made me sad #neurodivergence #isfun #andquirky!

THEN THE BOYS GOT BACK TOGETHER FUCK YEAH!!!!!

---------

Sephiroth: you should probably not fuck around with this newfound angry spirit power...

Zack: remember my cute puppy face?

Sephiroth: fuck

Zack: 🐶

Sephiroth: 🥴

Genesis: STOP MAKING EYES AT EACH OTHER. FUCK OR GET TO WORK!

Angeal (btw he's alive): they are so fucking cute

Zack's sister: dude they so are ❤️

Genesis: we are at WAR

Angeal: I'm gonna be a bridesmaid

Zack's sister: GASP we should get matching outfits!

Genesis: 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

--------

Zack: *waits until the LAST minute to whip out his fancy angry spirit powers* Hey Idiot Poop Face, how bout that?!

Idiot Poop Face: 🤬 *chokes Zack* *it's not kinky*

Sephiroth; *is jealous anyway* *catches bb Zack as he passes out from using angry spirit powers and being choked* *my dude was like half a football field away* *then he appeared out of nowhere to catch his boo*

Salty: *clicks rewind several times because it's fucking adorable*

[itisme-rosie]

-- together again; takes place before the canon events of the show. you left switzerland and by extension, beatrice, but you're back now.

cw: hurt(ish?)-comfort!! written with female!reader in mind; mentions of death / loss (unmentioned character); religious themes; reader with a family like lilith's but less intense

[ if i don't watch the last episode, warrior nun hasn't ended yet 🤩 ]

masterlist | rules

i had always known i loved to live.

it was the little disasters of the outside world - a sudden downpour of rain after a hot summer day, a damned dip in the ground i didn't notice when i was skipping down a sidewalk that had me sprawling to the ground and scraping my knee - now those moments made me feel alive, telling me about the world and beyond more than the 'spiritual journey' going on inside the school haunted by its mundane nature of routines and rules could ever teach me.

i don't think i had meant to leave at first. as much as i didn't love it there, i sort of came to terms with the fact that i'd never ever be allowed to leave - my parents were initially very firm about keeping me in there to train and eventually join the legacy the rest of the women of my family began by stepping into the OCS. until they weren't.

i don't remember much of the day i had left. i had gone to sleep after beatrice knocked on my door to greet me with a happy birthday and the next thing i know, i had been woken up and whisked away, and the OCS - the church in general, as a matter of fact, just wasn't that important to my family anymore. too much sacrifice, too much loss; i didn't need to be another notch on a board of how much we gave up.

all connection, anything that linked back to the church had been severed and i never saw them again, not even during the funeral during the week that followed (i just knew it was them who had knocked on the door, i had never heard my father sound so angry). i may have regained a bond with my family, but in doing so, i left behind the family i made for myself. i left bea. by the time i was old enough to go looking for her, beatrice wasn't where i left her.

which brings me to now.

the littler version of me would be baffled. here i was, standing in front of a convent in spain of all places - the only reason i should be in spain right now should be for a vacation for crying out loud, there wasn't any good reason for me to find myself in a place associated with a time in my life i had been trying to avoid for years.

but here i was, despite how much i vehemently argued with my parents of how 'religion and faith were and have never been my strongest suits', protesting a fate where i could potential lose myself, my identity, my life at such a young age. my mother would lament about how i had come 'round a full circle, right back in the steps of a life i was trying to escape. i would have agreed with her had i not come here on a very specific mission not even vaguely connected to re-joining the ministry.

after thanking and paying the elderly cab driver that, to the best of his abilities, told me stories of the roads and lands we drove past in broken english, i steel myself for what i would find in the old building that loomed over me and i, rightfully, felt very small, the paper that read 'the cat's cradle' with its address and a name in barely comprehensive cursive crumpled in my sweaty palm.

i must have been standing and staring for a long time, because i didn't notice the sister who had appeared seemingly out of nowhere standing beside me with a polite, practiced smile - "what brings you here?

a brillant question with a very simple answer, one that had stayed stuck in the back of my throat and the sister waited patiently for my answer.

i give her a last name first and at the confusion in her eyes (though that might have been because my voice was as quiet as a mouse), i clear my throat, "i was told i could find, erm..." i hesitate for a second, my throat goes dry and i had half a mind to turn and run. spit out excuses of a wrong turn, a wrong address, that i was a nosy, lost tourist that stumbled upon the building on google maps, god - anything!

"miss?" the sister asks softly and i assess her expression for a while - concern with a bit of apprehension behind it.

"beatrice," her name falls effortlessly from my lips, and by effortlessly i mean breathless and like it was forced up my throat and out my mouth - gutteral and rushed, "i'm looking for beatrice? i was told i could find her here?" i give her my name and the lady nods in understanding, perhaps recognizing my surname. there was some surprise she tried to hide, i roll my eyes at the thought.

"sister beatrice is indeed here," the sister smiles, "allow me to take you to her," she gestures towards the building as she takes brisks steps towards the large double doors, gesturing for me to sit on a pew at the very back, "i'll be back with her shortly - we don't get much personal visitors," she explains with a smile, hurriedly walking away to lord knows where.

i sit pin-straight, my eyes scanning the images and statues around the hall and i let out a shaky exhale. as much as i found them beautiful, they terrified me.

the sister was gone a while. my head would snap up at every set of brisk footsteps only to lower after smiling politely at the sisters who were passing by with curious eyes and i opt not to look up when i hear two sets of hurried footsteps - one stops and walks away, growing fainter the further it got and the second set walks closer towards me, until i saw a pair of shoes beside my feet and i felt very conscious of how exposed i was in a place of worship. perhaps the sundress would have been a better suited outfit for my tasks today instead of shorts and a cotton button down shirt. in my defense, the weather felt like i was about to be cooked alive right on the concrete sidewalk.

"never pegged you as the type to pray so earnestly unless you were held at gunpoint,"

i was not as steeled as i wanted to be, my heart felt like it had stopped. as much as i didn't want it to, a familiar warmth washed over me; it was so comforting that the pit of dread clawing at my stomach silenced itself for a while for the quickest moment and i laugh dryly.

"i still think that you pray enough to save the both of us from eternal damnation," i shake my head, only lifting it when she settles down beside me and even then, i keep my eyes on anything that wasn't her, "you...suit the habit better than i ever could have, beatrice," i glance at her, my lip quirking in a small smile, "that color does nothing for your complexion though,"

it was a joke made in an earnest attempt to diffuse the tension between us. she huffed out a laugh and i smile a little wider at the sound, "nice to see i can still make you laugh,"

silence. soft pitter-pattering of shoes on tile as a group of sisters walk past us.

beatrice hums softly when they've left, "it's been a while,"

"did you expect it'd be me when you heard you had a guest?"

"i was definitely hoping for a familiar face, but..." she murmurs with a resigned sigh, "truthfully, i was not expecting it'd be yours," beatrice folds her arms over her chest, "but i will not deny that you've crossed my mind over the years,"

"really?" i pick at my nails, "i honestly didn't think you'd even remember me,"

"why'd you come then?" out of the corner of my eye, i see her face me and i huff softly, rubbing my sweaty palms on the rough material of my shorts.

"...i don't know," i mumble truthfully, or rather an attempt at sounding truthful. of course i knew why i was here, of course i had a purpose in getting on a plane to spain, struggling and travelling alone to get to this place, to see her and talk to her. when i glance at her, she has that look on her face.

her lips are pursed in a straight line, jaw set, most of her face is unreadable, save her eyes - oh, god, her eyes. soft, persistently trained on me and ever-moving to hold my gaze and no matter how much i tried to avoid them, i ended up looking right back at her. there's a look that - i won't lie - i have missed. so much emotion i can't decipher, but i knew that if i looked hard enough, somewhere in that look was the reassurance that she'd always still be there, whether i choose to tell her the truth or not. beatrice sits there, waiting and expectant.

"you are still a terrible liar," she deadpans when it was clear i have no plans on telling her why i was really here.

"it is the truth," i grumble defensively "you're still so suspicious of everything i say when i'm trying to be honest."

"well, your lower lip keeps twitching,"

my eyes narrow in confusion and i huff, suddenly aware of how tense i was, "and?"

"that's your tell," beatrice says as though it is the most obvious thing in the world and she faced forward, hands folded on her lap.

"my tell? my tell could have changed, genius - we haven't spoken in -" i shrug, "5? 6 or 7 years?"

"6 years, 2 months, 11 days," bea's voice quietens.

i glance at her, also silencing myself as the tension and defensiveness ooze out of my body and i slouch against the pew with a scoff of disbelief. she remembered, she counted it down to the day, though wouldn't be surprised if she had it down to the minute, beatrice was good at remembering details like that. it was both endearing and infuriating.

"'course you remember,"

"it was 12:07 am, the morning of your 16th birthday, the day you left switzerland," bea continues to speak only to falter slightly, her voice weakens and she looks down at her lap to fiddle with her thumbs - that, to me, was her tell. her tell that she was about to start a very difficult conversation, or ask a very awkward question.

"they never told us why you left, you know," bea's voice is small, smaller than my fuzzy memories tell me she has ever sounded, even during late nights having the hardest of conversations, when we both had our hearts bared out to each other, during our secret embraces as we cried with each other she has never sounded quiet as small as she is now. i wished for nothing more than the ground to swallow me whole, "and you never came back,"

"i wished i did," i say immediately in a soft voice, "god - sorry - i really wish i did," my heart pounds painfully in my chest, "and i'm sorry i didn't, and i know that isn't enough, and no amount of grovelling and asking for your forgiveness will fix that," i swallow thickly, "we -" i second-guess what i'm about to say, clearing my throat, "- were each other's greatest friend, and regardless of that fact, you don't have to forgive me,"

it's hard to gauge her reactions when beatrice keeps her face turned away from me but i could have sworn there was an almost imperceptible look that shifts her features briefly.

"there are absolutely no excuses, beatrice," i sigh heavily and the speck on the ground by my shoe was suddenly the most interesting thing in the world, "and i've just turned your whole world upside down by showing up unannounced - jesus - sorry again - i'm so sorry, bea,"

"you still haven't told me why you left," she says a little more clearly, her stare stony as she looked right at me.

"does it matter?" i mutter, nails digging into my palms, "does it still matter bea? i'm here right now, isn't that what should be focused on?"

"you left me," bea sounds exasperated, "dare i say, you owe me an explanation? after you disappeared for years - you think i don't have questions? my own versions of why you left? my own doubts? i still don't even know what you're doing here,"

"i wanted to find you! by the time i was allowed to do things on my own, you weren't in switzerland anymore and nobody would tell me where you were - they all thought i would be a terrible influence on you -" i wince at how my voice echoed around the room and i hear her take a deep breath in and out when another trio of nuns walk past us. i shrink back into the pew with crossed arms, tucked against the corner.

"do you hate me for it?" i ask softly, "have you ever regretted being my - my friend?"

"what kind of ridiculous question is that?" is her answer, spat out like the thought was poison, the mere insinuation was a heavy boulder i just hurled at her. or maybe i was reading too much into things and this was just her regular anger, a normal amount of disdain she had for an old friend who left her behind without looking back - overthinking has always been a terrible habit of mine just as repressing how she truly felt about something was hers.

"...you know, i don't think i have it in me to hate you," my head lifts to look at her when she continues and i'm alarmed to see her eyes grow misty, "even when i really, really wanted to,"

beatrice sighs and i echo the sound, a shared sentiment between us. i also think that hating her was an impossible thought, no matter the sin she commits. my fingers drum against the wood of the pew, slowly and hesitantly reaching for her hand.

"i'm here now, bea," i whisper reassuringly, squeezing her hand tightly when she links our fingers together, "this time, i won't leave you hanging, yeah?"

"i'll hold you to that," she says weakly.

i smile softly, holding out my free hand, pinky lifted. beatrice lets out a watery laugh, sniffling before she mimics the action, locking our pinkies in some unbreakable promise and suddenly, we were back in our spot at the school in switzerland, vowing to be friends forever and ever, making plans to join the same convents, or if the Lord willed it, the same university, maybe the same apartment to live the rest and best of our lives together.

"we've got the rest of forever to catch up, and forever is a lot of time,"

[transdimensional-void]

the thing that frustrates me the most about bbc merlin’s “gwen chose arthur over lancelot” narrative is that if you watch the episode where the choosing supposedly happens, gwen has no say in it at all. lancelot is the one who chooses.

it’s season 2, episode 4, “lancelot and guinevere.” gwen and lancelot have had romantic tension out the wazoo all episode just like they did back in 1-5 where they first met, while arthur and gwen have had a few, tentative romantic moments since the end of season 1. personally, i think gwen seems much more interested in lancelot than arthur, but at the very least, it seems that she is equally open to either romance at that point.

but then once arthur and co. rescue gwen and lancelot, lancelot sees arthur and gwen interacting romantically and decides not to pursue her anymore. he pulls gwen aside and tells her he won’t get in the way of her relationship with arthur. and then he just leaves without giving her any time to respond. 

there is no active choosing on gwen’s part at all, and that’s what really bothers me. the show could have written her some response to lancelot’s words. if they wanted to leave the tension in place, they could have gone with a, “i barely know you. i don’t really know what i want yet. give me some time to decide?” or if they wanted to convince us that she ultimately wanted arthur more they could have had her thank lancelot for stepping aside.

but instead they just leave her in this passive position of having no choice but arthur. and we can try to frame it as, if she really wanted lancelot she would have gone after him, but that’s still only speculation. angel’s acting in that scene makes her seem very torn between the two men, or possibly more interested in lancelot but not quite sure what that means for her relationship to arthur, who is, after all, a prince and not an easy person for her to cross.

for me, it undercuts the idea of arthur and gwen as a real romance. that scene makes it seems like she’s only with him because she wasn’t given any other choice.

this fits with the pattern of nearly every romantic possibility she is given. in season 1, she’s into merlin, but he’s not interested so it goes nowhere. fine. that on its own isn’t an issue. but then in season 2, she’s into lancelot, but that relationship ends by his choice, not hers. in seasons 2 and 3, her relationship with arthur continues only as and when arthur deems it safe to pursue her. we’re never shown her initiating romantic contact whenever she wants it. in season 3, she does at least get to politely reject gwaine’s advances, though it takes several rejections before he’s willing to give up. in season 4, she’s non-consensually forced into attraction for zombie lancelot.

the writers seem afraid to depict gwen as someone with romantic agency. and they went out of their way not to show her actively pursuing a romance with lancelot once arthur had settled on her as the object of his affection. nearly every romantic interaction she is given is dictated by the decision of the man she is interacting with. it’s honestly kind of disturbing once you notice the pattern.

[yzafre]

Hey I really really liked your tmnt 12/rise post! At first I was like, I don't know about this, but when your actually explained your point I think it made a lot of sense. The series strengths/weaknesses and how it messed with expectations. But I would like to also share if you don't mind, why I think its so frustrating that 12 isn't character focused. The plot in 12 is driven by the characters rather than being something that happens via external forces. 12s plot at its core is about the drama between Yoshi and Saki and how it affects their family. The Kraang kidnapped April's father, space arc kicked off because home planet was destroyed. All very personal. Karai deciding to go after Shredder or April's decision to keep away from the turtles are character decisions that affect the plot. You can absolutely have a plot that isn't so personal to the characters. 03 for example has a less personal main plot, so it makes the relative lack of character development less obvious. The character decision based plot made the character writing all the more apparent imo. (As for Rise I think having a first episode be more plot less character definitely was not helpful, nor was the wacky episode release order, and I think Rise dragging its feet on clarifying the plot included the turtles understanding of the plot, which made it difficult to understand the turtles perspective until it was retroactively filled in).

Hi! I'm so glad you enjoyed my rambling, and even more glad you want to talk about it!

My posts was definitely more focused on pure observation than any kind of judgement on what I think it should/should not have done, but obviously it's going to hit people differently depending on tastes and preferences.

You've definitely got a valid argument for why you would have preferred more character-focused work. I also would have preferred that - but I'm a big fan of character-focused, so I'm very biased. I tend to keep that in mind and try to meet the story where it's at, looking at the type of story it wanted to be (and taking everything it wasn't interested in as creative inspiration for the fandom space).

As for the actual content of your point, I both agree and disagree! That is, I agree with the premise that the set-up (Yoshi and Saki, April and the Kraang) is very personal, which seemed to naturally lend itself to leaning into the characters more. ((I've got several posts in my 'yza talks about a thing' tag that refer to this feeling.))

What I disagree with - sort of - is the statement "the plot in 12 is driven by the characters rather than being something that happens via external forces".

The plot is driven by the Shredder (and very occasionally be Leo).

And I would consider the Shredder an external force.

What I mean to say is, for a lot of the story the turtles - our protagonists - are very reactive. The Kraang are trying to destroy the world, so the turtles need to stop them. The Shredder is trying to kill them, so the turtles need to stop him. That's not really driven by their internal wants or goals. The story... doesn't really care want the turtles actually want? Other than to stay alive. (With another 'except for Leo' caveat.)

There are exceptions! You brought up the space arc, of course, which I think is a mix - the Triceratons just kind of came out of nowhere, you know? Earlier in the story they're actively trying to learn more about the Kraang because they want to help April with her dad, but that goes away half-way through the series. Trying to find/rescue Karai is a recurring internal motivation.

((I have a... very different estimation of how much Karai and April's actions actually affected the plot, so I'll leave that alone. How the writing handled those two would be an Entire Other Post.))

And I think your frustration might actually be the tension between how personal the set-up is on paper, and the lack of investment the turtles (excluding Leo) actually have with it? That it feels like setup that never gets a payoff. I might just be re-phrasing what you were trying to say, at this point.

As for Rise, yeah, I would generally agree with you. The production shenanigans Definitely didn't help. The way the plot drags its feet means it takes a while for things to get personal, which is when a lot of the best episodes start kicking in.

Anyways, maybe you agree with me, maybe you don't - we're kind of getting into opinion/perception territory here! But I love talking about stuff like this either way. Getting different people's perspectives is really interesting.

Thanks for the ask!

[nflstreetsanimereviews]

Bocchi the Rock! Review

What was your favorite anime of the Fall 2022 season? If I had to bet, it was the highly anticipated Chainsaw Man. It was the most hyped anime of the year after all. It even had me, someone who usually doesn't watch or read shounen, keeping up with it. And as expected, it was a pretty good adaptation. Was it my favorite anime of the season though? I would have probably said yes if Bocchi the Rock! wasn't airing that season too. I'll stop with the comparisons here, since most people reading this already have read and/or watched CSM, and the two are apples and oranges, if the apple phased out of existence if you said its name too loud and the orange made you shit your pants after two bites. Anyways--who is Bocchi? And why does she rock?

Bocchi the Rock! is about Hitori Gotou, more commonly referred to as 'Bocchi', a high school girl who started learning to play guitar in order to be in a band and become popular. The problem is that, while she has become an excellent guitarist in the four years she has been playing, she has made zero friends during that time. She also hasn't joined a band yet due to her severe social anxiety. Turns out that being good at guitar, while making you look cooler, doesn't automatically net you new friends. In lieu of that, she runs a well-known YouTube channel under the pseudonym 'guitarhero', which she uses to upload her guitar solos. Luckily for our dear Bocchi, her dream of being in a band suddenly becomes true one afternoon, when she meets drummer Ijichi Nijika, who coincidentally is looking for a guitarist for her band.

Rounding out the band (named Kessoku Band) is bassist Ryou Yamada, whose cool and aloof demeanor is counteracted by her always being broke and being a walking rock music encyclopedia, and Ikuyo Kita, vocalist and backing guitarist, who joins the band because of her admiration (and longing) for Ryou. She doesn't actually know how to play the guitar when she joins Kessoku Band, but her willingness to learn combined with her ability to handle the social media side of things makes her a valuable asset to the group.

The four congregate at STARRY, a live house managed by Nijika's older sister, Seika. STARRY operates as a home base for Kessoku Band, with all four members working, practicing, and even sometimes performing there. Other characters of note include PA-san, a mysterious girl who also works at STARRY, and Kikuri Hiroi, an alcoholic bassist who quickly became a fan favorite despite her only appearing in a few episodes.

What made Bocchi the Rock! such a well-received show? The main reason would be the way Bocchi's social anxiety is shown as ridiculous and surreal, while at the same time being relatable and hilarious. I believe the phrase goes like 'She's just like me!'. There are more anime than I can count that have a socially awkward main character, but Bocchi the Rock! is one of the best anime at portraying the main character's introvertedness. Who among us has not at one point mentally melted into a puddle of water over being asked to do a simple task? Watching Bocchi's growth is one of the best parts about the anime.

Bocchi the Rock! has drawn many comparisons to K-On!, with some even considering it K-On!'s spiritual successor. While both anime do have many of the same plot points (slices of life about high-school-aged girls forming a rock band), Bocchi the Rock! is in no way a clone of K-On!. Bocchi the Rock! is nowhere near as 'moe' as K-On!, and contains a lot more conflict, although said conflict generally being low stakes. Kessoku Band has aspirations of becoming big, while it was only a passing thought for Ho-kago Tea Time. That being said, if you enjoyed K-On!, then Bocchi the Rock! is right up your alley (and vice versa!).

The sincerity of Bocchi the Rock! endears it even further, never using cheap fanservice as a cop-out. It isn't afraid to have subversive characters, which is great considering musicians tend to be, well, subversive. The nature of the anime leaves little to be desired. If there's one thing I'd fix, I'd have Nijika call Ryou a broke ass more often. I'd also have Bocchi listen to The Smiths and then have her turn into evaporated water once she finds out how stupid Morrissey can be.

In my opinion, Bocchi the Rock! is as good as the hype says. Is it top ten anime of all time good, as Anilist suggests? I wouldn't go that far. However, Bocchi the Rock! is one of the best SoL anime that I have seen in a long time. It's a good, wholesome story about a girl overcoming social anxiety to show off her guitar skills to the masses and gain fans and, more importantly, friends. While I would love to have a chance to scare the shit out of Bocchi, I'm cheering her on, mostly because I know she's more than likely to be a NEET if the whole 'become a famous guitarist' plan doesn't work.

80/100

[sandbees]

Gta series mc! They get themselves into the craziest situations(if you don't know its a games series abt guy gets out of jail goes to see old friends gets the gang back to get rob a couple bank that are run by the mafia and have showdown at a construction site also owned by the mafia)

The first years get a call from mc that goes like:

Mc: so I did a thing...

Jack: and that thing..?

Mc: so I there was this guy and he kinda got a little angry so I also kinda got a little angry

Ace: WAIT WHAT GUY!

Mc: *kicks open door dragging a duffle bag*

Deuce: OMG YOU KILLED HIM!

Mc: what? What kinda person do you think I am?

Everyone: *sigh of relief*

Mc: I kidnapped his wife *unzips duffle bag with a woman bound and gag*

Vargas wondering where mc is then all of a sudden there's a helicopter, and a mc just free falling then a parachute comes out of nowhere and when they get down they imminently pull out a bazooka and blow up the helicopter with a, "asshole pushed me out"

During episode three when they go to steal the contracts:

Mc: okay I've done this before, make sure the cost is clear, c4-

Jack: what do you mean "I've done this before?" And whats c4?

Mc: what do you mean, "what do I mean"?

Leona: that didn't answer his question

Mc: well the c4 is for the safe duh... and if that doesn't work *pulls out guns handing them to everyone* here

Deuce: I have several questions

Mc: I plea the 5th

-Mc can't be behind the wheel of- hell cant be trusted around any car cuz the will steal it and race it.

-When they order food and someone else is paying, "I'll have two number 9s, a number 9 large, a number 6 with extra dip, a number 7, two number 45s, one with cheese, and a large soda."

-Definitely is growing weed and makes pot brownies and cbd oil of vil.

-Knows a guy that knows a guy

-They don't need to rely on Crowley or all the odd jobs for money cuz somehow they already have millions.. don't ask how they got it

-Spoils friends with the money they probably stole like "surprise shawty" and they got deuce a magicwheel for his bday

I died while reading this. I love this.

But also I feel like Deuce would relate to Yuu to a certain amount. (Ex. Delinquent and all…maybe not really but they have similar vibes when certain situations happen.)

I have never played GTA but I have watched a few streamers play it…though that doesn’t say much… :’)

I still really like the idea though, so feel free to add more

[schtroumpf-a-lunettes]

Since the youtube channel just put it up I want it known that that the episode Smurfette’s Lucky Star is so WILD to me. Several times I’ve gone into it completely unsuspecting. Like ok cool a star that smurfette wishes upon, ok ok. Star falls to earth, ok. AND THEN. THIS STAR IS A FULLY ANTHROPOMORPHIC BEING. WITH NO WARNING. Like YES, I know this is The Smurfs, I Get It, but I’m like, NEVER prepared for it. It’s so FUNNY to me there’s just... no real set-up for it. Like, it can still be a star with Actual Magical Properties without being anthropomorphic I just fdjhdfjhdfhjdf

Out of nowhere the episode jumpscares me with “this star is real actually. and TALKING” idek how to describe it like. The episode just keeps running even while im sitting there slightly dumbfounded. its amazing

Like each time I watch the beginning of the episode im like “oh yeah the star isnt actually special, Smurfette just thinks it is” and the show just WHAMS me with “IT’S A TALKING STAR!!!!” killing me instantly

I just. HELLO. incredibly surreal effect to me

Like not only does this star show up and is suddenly a talking living being but immediately starts BLAMING Smurfette for all the wishes she makes like. saying “you making wishes was bad and wrong actually” is another thing it whams you in the face with. like ok how could she have possibly known about these ramifications bro. I started this episode legit thinking she was harmlessly just assuming a random normal star grants her wishes. Only for the star to come down the earth and tell her she’s a bad person OKAY??? surreality keeps climbing

what is the takeaway of this episode supposed to be. Smurfette herself says she didn’t realise her wishes were having a negative effect. And apparently the “rules” for wishing on stars are like, an established thing in-universe that Papa knows about, and sjhfdjdfjj

this star with a frankly bizarre/surreal design imo is out here just having a straight-up miserable time and they establish another wish will kill her. because shes on her LAST wish. smurfette is understandably like Hey I Dont Want To Kill The Star. and the other smurfs are all like Well Why Not. “something something utilitarianism, make everyone’s life better with 1 wish and killing the star in the process aint bad”. HMMM. also this star is like “listen smurfette. hurry up and kill me already i dont got all day” i. okay

also. the star implying that smurfette wishing herself free when Gargamel has her captured “wouldnt be her first selfish wish”. um. would her not wanting to Die be selfish?. what is this episode LOL

I guess the moral to kids was supposed to be something like. dont be selfish and only think about yourself because your self-centred wants could be hurting others. or something. but the way it goes within the episode is just . hooooly it’s such a mess omg

whole thing feels like a fever dream

[cmyknoise]

dream’s priority may be tommy, but that isn’t all he wants. tommy isn’t all he’s after. he has made it very clear he wants complete and utter control of the server, and he’s deemed that attachments are the gateway. take away the things people love, and you can control them. 

he’s deemed tommy as one of the most important attachments. once he has tommy, he has control of so many people, and from there he can get what he wants from them, and get what he needs to use them. if he has no use for them? he kills them. as demonstrated by vikkstar, lazarbeam, and the near death of tubbo during the final disc confrontation. once he has no use of someone, he has no problem killing them. 

but now there’s another issue. its clear dream will stop at nothing to get what he wants, and nowhere is safe for tommy. there is nowhere he can run away. he can’t even die and escape. 

it’d then be assumed that maybe killing dream would be the solution, as tommy has tried to do now a handful of times... but i’d say that may not even be absolute. 

punz was with dream during all of the experiments. it could be safe to assume or theorize that punz could also know the contents of the revive book, or, at the bare minimum, have context on how to revive people. 

it could explain why during the final disc confrontation, dream didn’t just run after one or two deaths. he respawned once and went up the elevator. he could’ve ran, and yet he came back down. sure, he sounded afraid, but at this point he already knew death wasn’t permanent. he already knew that he could be brought back, and if punz is working with him as close as it seems, it feels likely that if dream were to have died that day, he would’ve been brought back. and this goes for the future. 

if tommy & anyone else were to gang up and kill dream, likelyhood is not even that would be an escape. they’d have to kill punz too, who also has all of his lives and is very skilled and geared. 

but it may not even be that simple. dream isn’t hated by everyone. we’ve been shown that several people are neutral to him, and some even feign ‘maybe he wasn’t that bad of a guy’. this is due to lack of information on him usually, but it still stands that dream could very easily get people behind him again. 

he also has people like techno, who would likely do anything to revive ranboo. who then has people like phil on his side. 

you have people now like bbh, who is at the very least sympathetic to dream and may be willing to do some things for him. 

and all these people are people he can manipulate into doing whatever he wants- and if he felt like he could trust them, he could also give them instructions on how to revive him if things go south. 

even far far far off in the future, if we remember the city of mizu tales episode. dream didn’t have a big following in the end, but there was enough to be a deep underground room for him. one that looked like a trophy room, one that seemed to frame him more in a powerful leader sort of light. people like ranbob could be inclined to resurrect them if they had the information. and we know dream likes to leave clues and puzzles for people to follow. if he thinks ahead, he could do this too. 

it seems like the only true way for people like tommy, and really the rest of the server to escape dream, would be to not only kill him and potentially punz, but to also somehow remove the ability to revive people in the first place. 

the only true way to end this would be to kill dream and make sure he can’t ever be revived- by either killing punz and anyone who could have knowledge from him, or by removing the option entirely. 

how would they do this? oh fuck if i know. lore lately has involved a lot of dealing with gods (foolish, demigod of life/death making deals with protector god XD. mumza, presumed goddess of death, making some sort of forest around Phil’s place, etc.). that could be an option. there’s also that secondary book XD spoke of that could also have something. 

who knows, but i dont think anyone could truly be safe unless the option of revival was completely destroyed, which would also become a very hard decision for whomever has to make it. because being unable to revive dream means being unable to revive anyone.

[actual-changeling]

I fully agree, I am just once again here as the person that knows way too much about trauma and cPTSD so uh. hi. Sorry.

This will probably get way too long, I'm so sorry in advance. Thank you for reading if you do.

To me, it feels like he's coped with that cognitive dissonance by entirely detaching from that identity at times, almost as though those were the actions and experiences of another person (the angel you knew is not me) whilst returning to the first person in moments of vulnerability (I only ever asked questions).

Your observations are completely correct, but the driving force behind them is entirely subconscious and a result of the trauma he faced.

We know that Crowley canonically experiences and struggles with dissociation, which we can also see in the final fifteen when he puts his glasses back on and goes very still and unexpressive.

A short crash course on trauma-induced dissociation for those that don't know anything or only very little about it.

Dissociation is the body and brain's/the nervous system's response to unescapable danger and/or a threat. We have two active survival responses that kick in first—fight and flight—and when those two are not possible or ineffective, we fall back on fawn and try to become as submissive as possible to calm down the person behind the threat. If there is no one to calm or it does not work, then we skip fawn and go to the last resort: freeze.

Our bodies shut down, acting on the tenet "if i cannot stop or escape it, i don't want to experience it".

You probably know this in the form of animals playing dead, like mice or possums, but humans do the exact same thing! Our pulse slows, our blood pressure decreases while our blood vessels widen, our body releases its own form of anaesthesia, our sensory processing breaks down as do most of our higher brain functions, and the primal and more complex brain areas stop communicating with each other.

Or, to really break it down, when you've got nowhere to go, you hide in the only place you can: yourself.

I could elaborate on this for ages (and if anyone has questions I LOVE answering them) but I'll stick to the part that's relevant here, which is that during dissociative episodes, your brain stops forming complete memories.

Depending on how heavy the dissociation is, you sometimes experience full black-outs and don't remember a single thing, though often there is some semblance of memory—more of a grey-out. You might recall some facts or flashes of sensory input, but it's discombobulated and not always reliable.

That is why Crowley is an unreliable narrator when it comes to his fall, he genuinely cannot properly remember it.

Once you are out of the situation you were detaching from, your brain takes that entire experience, puts it into a box, locks it, and then throws it into a deep, dark corner so it never has to look at it again. It NEEDS to do that, because it cannot deal with what's in the box.

"That didn't happen to me" your brain goes, "that happened to someone who was not-me." It's its only way of coping. For Crowley that means the angel he was, the being all of that happened to, wasn't him. It was That Angel, and he is no longer them, so those are not his experiences.

Logically you know it was you, in a way, but it doesn't feel that way. I look back on what little I remember of my childhood, which is legitimately about 1%, and I know I was that child—but emotionally I wasn't. All that pain happened to Past Me, and Past Me is not Present Me. If that disconnected—the dissociative barriers—becomes strong enough, you land on the more severe side of the dissociative disorder spectrum, e.g. OSDD and DID, with PTSD and Depersonalization/Derealization on the other.

To me, it feels like he's coped with that cognitive dissonance by entirely detaching from that identity at times, almost as though those were the actions and experiences of another person (the angel you knew is not me)

So! That was this part.

Now to the other.

whilst returning to the first person in moments of vulnerability (I only ever asked questions).

As explained above, the brain does not form full, if any memories of that experience. The problem it will run into sooner or later, though, is that these locked boxes aren't just gone, they are still right there somewhere, on a pile or sorted in a shelf or at the bottom of a cliff.

No matter how far you throw them, it will never be far enough. Unfortunately, that also means those moments are never processed into actual memories. You can think of it like a time capsule, everything inside remains untouched—and THAT is how you get flashbacks. That is why people have triggers.

Something reminds the brain of a specific traumatic experience, and that locked box gets thrown back into your face and breaks open. Because your brain never turned the content into a memory, it is not a Past Experience, it is a Present Experience. You relive that moment as if it were happening to you right now

Flashback -> Past traumatic experience is being re-experienced.

In those moments, all those degrees of separation you usually have disappear, you stop being capable of separating past and present, past you and present you, danger and safety. Flashbacks are usually not like the media portrays them, they're not 3D perfect videos, they're fragmented sensory input and strong waves of emotions.

Sometimes they have audio or visual aspects, sometimes they don't, but they're always disorienting and painful. You go from "that didn't happen to me, that was someone else" to "this is happening to ME".

For Crowley that means "the angel I was" turns into "I am that angel".

I only ever asked questions, I fell into a pit of burning sulphur, I fell, I was in pain, I suffered.

When Crowley talks about his past like that, it is always connected to a trigger, e.g. the bookshop fire, the imminent destruction of everything while looking at his creations, being rejected and abandoned by a person he loves.

And, maybe you guessed it, since he is in active distress again, that experience once again does not get processed. Brain says "no thanks" and squeezes it back into its box and throws it away again. It is one of the reasons why trauma therapy cannot progress if you're still actively being traumatized.

Crowley needs peace and safety to process all that trauma, and as you said at the end, that is hopefully what season three will provide for him.

As predicted, this got very long. Very sorry. Once the infodump starts, I have to see it through, so thanks for reading and I hope this was interesting for some. Again, I always love questions, feel free to ask!

I feel like Crowley has often played the role of 'philosophy teacher' in his dynamic with Aziraphale, and I think this is probably what ultimately led to most of the backlash against Aziraphale immediately post-Season 2, especially from casual viewers.

The Resurrectionists episode is super obvious about it, big Philosophy 101 energy, but it's of course a big running theme in the show, often addressing the classic philosophical/theological question 'if God/Heaven are all-loving and all-powerful, why do they make us suffer?'

In these situations Aziraphale is often needing to learn to break free of his black and white thinking. Of course, we, the viewers, agree that morality is not black and white, so we start trusting Crowley's ability in the teacher role.

And it happens again in the Final Fifteen: we cringe at the stark oversimplification of 'you're the bad guys', we agree that Heaven and Hell are 'toxic' with their rigid rules and roles. Having seen so many examples of this dynamic at this point, this can instinctively feel like a continuation of Crowley's 'morality is not black and white' lessons. Therefore it makes sense to me that the instinct can be to agree that Crowley 'understand[s] a whole lot better' than Aziraphale.

I could go on for days about why I feel Aziraphale's character is so much more nuanced than that, but I want to focus on Crowley here. When you start trusting someone in that 'teacher' role, it's easy to assume they have it all figured out. That's why the whole 'Crowley is an unreliable narrator when it comes to his Fall' confirmation always had me so intrigued.

It seems (to me at least) that Crowley probably made some very complex, grey choices as an angel (choices that were not as bad as Heaven feels, but not as good as Crowley likes to think, to paraphrase NG) and he is yet to accept the reality of those actions. To me, it feels like he's coped with that cognitive dissonance by entirely detaching from that identity at times, almost as though those were the actions and experiences of another person (the angel you knew is not me) whilst returning to the first person in moments of vulnerability (I only ever asked questions). Judging by the hints at Angel!Crowley throughout S2, I think (hope) we'll learn more about the Fall in S3, and thus see him finally need to internally resolve this

I think it'll be very interesting to finally see that dynamic flip, to see Crowley in the role of the student, trying to solidify his moral code and sense of self as we have seen Aziraphale do throughout the show.

I suppose I hope that in potentially having Crowley's own struggles with morality becoming more explicit on screen in Season 3, the broad attitude towards Aziraphale and Crowley will become a bit more balanced again. I think it'll be lovely to see them grow in their understanding and acceptance of themselves and each other, and finally reach a place of joy and freedom as individuals and together. We'll always have our own personal character interpretations, and I think that's wonderful and fascinating to hear about, but at the end of the day we're all rooting for their happy ending, and I can't wait to see them finally get it.

[drummer-from-down-under]

Nowhere Boys Rewatch

So, Nowhere Boys aired for the first time 9 years ago on abc3.

And I, who has obviously not gotten over this show and probably never will at this point, have decided to rewatch the show in its entirety.

Yes, that does include The Nowhere Gang era, they’re just as much apart of this show as The Bremin Four.

In saying that though,

Bremin Four Run-Through

In order of appearance:

Felix Ferne

Eldest son of Ken and Kathy Ferne

Older brother of Oscar Ferne

Best friend of Ellen O’Donnell

Resident alt kid

What we know about Felix by the end of episode one is that his relationship with his parents isn’t all that great, with them spending all their energy overprotecting Oscar who is a wheelchair user. He is very close with his brother and Ellen, while quite a few of the kids at school treat him like shit. Regular Alt Kid type character stuff, you know the drill.

Jake Riles

Son of Sarah and Gary Riles

Only child

Parents had him as teenagers

Hangs out with Trent and Dylan

Footy Player

Bully

By the end of episode one with Jake is that while he’s mates with Trent and Dylan, he’s also friendly with Sam, but not so much with anyone else. His relationship with his mum is very close and while we don’t meet his dad until episode two, safe to say Jake doesn’t think highly of him. He’s not the nicest kid to be around in a school environment and definitely does not like their Science teacher Mr Bates.

(Not going to lie, I will bitch about Jake (and the rest of these kids, honestly.). It’s not that I don’t like him, I DO. But he can be a prick, especially at the beginning of the show.)

Andy Lau

Son of Nicole and Michael Lau

(Younger?) Brother of Viv Lau

Grandson of Lily Lau

Studious

Andy is the brain of the group from the jump. Grade A nerd with a not-so great social life but not for lack of trying. His family is very close but can be overbearing and protective of him. He’s the only kid who seems excited by the excursion and with his admiration for Bear Grylls brought up several times, it’s not had to make the connection that Andy wants to explore and experience things.

Sam Conte

Son of Dee and Tom Conte

Youngest brother of Pete and Vince Conte

Boyfriend of Mia (She never got a last name)

Popular kid at Bremin High

Skateboarder

Sam rounds off The Bremin Four as the popular kid. He’s very sociable and outgoing but can be oblivious as hell. His relationship with his family seem perfect and the same goes with his girlfriend, Mia, until she has to remind him that it’s their anniversary which he completely spaced on. She gives him a bracelet that she made and he… tells her to come to a skateboarding video that he’s filming the next day. One relationship Sam has that will never end is his one with food.

(Yeah… Sam’s my favourite, not even going to deny it. He has been since episode three aired. But trust me, I will bitch about him. I love him, he is my son… but he can also be a bit thick and a bit of a dick.)

 Episode Run-Through

Episode one takes us through the day of the Year 10 Science excursion to The Bremin Ranges. The students must pair up in groups of 4, with the groups already being selected. Felix tells Ellen on the way to school that he made sure that they were grouped together. Once at the excursion, the groups are announced with Ellen being in a group with Trent, Dylan and Mia while Felix is with Jake, Sam and Andy. Felix grabs the map and the group set off.

With Jake being fed up that Trent is “winning”, Felix suggests a shortcut which ends up leading nowhere. While the boys are fighting, Felix begins to fall down the side of the cliff, the others attempt to grab him but end up falling too.

Now stuck, the boys roam around, calling out for help until it gets dark and they have to set up camp for the night. Andy mentions the panther that apparently roams the forest but Sam says that it’s just a myth. Felix plays them a song he wrote in an attempt to “lighten the mood”. The next day the boys head off again to try and find help but a storm starts and a tornado follows them. They boys end up running into Roland, a man who lives on the edge of the forest who drives them back to town.

The boys check their phones and find that they still have no reception but split up and head home. But something’s up; Jake’s locked out of his house, Andy’s room has been redecorated, Sam’s brothers don’t seem bothered that he was gone, and Oscar can walk.

I remember watching this for the first time at 14 and I was hyped as shit. As you can see, my loved for this show has not died over time and probably never will. As I rewatch this show, it probably won’t be as thorough as this one except for the movie and episode one of series three where we meet The Nowhere Gang.

Let’s just face it, this is me being bored as shit and deciding to ramble myself stupid about a show that ended almost half a decade ago. But eh, I’m going to have fun with it and that’s all that really matters.

Finally, 

Favourite Moments Of The Episode

Each of the boys having both a home life introduction and a school life introduction

“Ooh, I’m sooo good looking, everyone loves me. He’s such an airhead.” Felix, bud, you’re not insulting him in the first half.

Felix and Ellen pretending to throw up at the sight of Sam and Mia

Mr Bates calling Jake by his full name, Jacob (As this rewatch goes on, you will see me refer to Jake as Jacob cause he likes to STRESS ME OUT!)

“Come on, let’s hitchhike back to town.” “Uh, I heard that Ellen, and no, obviously.” The fact that this girl is going to end up being a teacher at this school…

“Our footy coach says, ‘When you’re going through hell, keep going!’” “That… was Winston Churchill.” “Well goths say, ‘When you’re going through hell, stop, cause you have arrived.’”

“Good one Dracula, let’s go.”

Sam having orienteering skills which will be brought up again later in the series.

Sam asking questions about Felix’s story about the footy players who got lost but immediately shutting down Andy about the panther lost in the forest.

When it starts to rain, Andy says that he likes the rain, foreshadowing what’s to come.

ROLAND! THE BEST DUDE!

Jake saying that he must’ve run out of credit since he has a brick phone. (I had one at the time of this airing, so I FEEL that.)

“Does our disappearances and miraculous reappearance seem like a bit of a non-event to you?” “Normal for me.” “Weird for me.”

“We can’t just separate; we just had a classic male bonding experience… Brief man hug?” “No way.” “Uh-uh.” “See you at school, then?” “I’ve never seen you or you, I don’t know you or you. Either of you talk to me, and I’ll crush you.” “Welp, I need food. See ya Brainiac Dude. …Goth Dude.” “I thought we bonded.” “On the upside, we didn’t resort to cannibalism. See ya.”

THAT ENDING. EVERYTIME MAN! I love this show, I really do.