#like i was outted twice before i even realised i was queer myself

[empty-flat-n-lonely-bys]

tt.

[lemotmo]

Love reading your takes. I like the way you think. Keep them coming.

Sorry for being negative, but my biggest fear is that since Eddie’s coming arc as been stop twice before, it’s hard to believe it’s still coming. I fear that now they have Bi Buck, they won’t trouble themselves with Eddie.

The way the left Eddie at the end of the season, there is so much they can do with him in the upcoming season. I just hope they take the chance to tell his story which would be so impactful to a lot of people and feels natural to his character. To be honest, I don’t know what else they can do, if they keep throwing woman at him, they have literally shown it’s not working.

You can see the way the tune changed in the middle of the season with those interviews. Is it because they know they got a renewal or they completely put the brake to 'buddie'?

I’ll keep hoping for the best. Tptb, please surprise me. Season 8 will make or break it. I don't see people staying past season 8 if nothing significant happens. I'm pretty sure they know, but why be so afraid. Argh ..

From an Eddie fan that’s fed up with the way they treat his character.

Hey Nonny! Thank you for the lovely compliment. I'm just another fan with some opinions, but I'm glad you like reading about them so much.

No no, I get it. I do. I get the negativity. They were so close to finally going where the story has always been going and then they backed off in the middle of the season. Even the interviews changed. It was clear that Oliver wasn't pleased with the way things were going bts either. And I have the feeling Ryan wasn't happy either. Every single interview he had to think about what he was saying and if it wasn't too much against Buddie, but also not too much pro Buddie. It was hard to see him struggle so much. That's probably why some of these interviews contradicted each other as well.

I really do believe they changed the timeline of the story when they heard about the renewal of the show. They realised they could take their time to give Eddie's coming out story the screentime it deserved. However, now they had to find a way to get Eddie to a place where he would have nothing left. No Chris, no ghost Shannon hanging over his head, no girlfriend... just him and his thoughts. This is the first time in life that Eddie is on his own and it's going to lead to some big time self-reflection.

The consequence of the decision to push the Eddie storyline to season 8 is of course Buck now being stuck in this stale relationship with Tommy.

I have read the interviews Ryan has given after the finale and they do fill me with hope and -dare I say- confidence? The way he talks about Eddie's upcoming struggle and journey very much reads as someone realising they're not as straight as they thought they were. He also stopped talking about Eddie being 'hetero' and started using a lot of gender neutral terms when he talks about a possible future partner for Eddie. So yeah, that is a very good sign to me. A feel like a switch has been flipped now and he is more certain where the story is going.

I agree that it would be the most natural way to explore Eddie's character. He has always been queer-coded, since day one. In my opinion even more than Buck. I was always more convinced of Eddie's queerness than of Buck's. So yeah, it is definitely the best, if not the only, way to go with his character.

And yes, I agree again, if there is no progress in Eddie's storyline and he is once again waylaid, keeping him locked up in that closet, put into another dead relationship with yet another female love interest, put through pain again for no reason whatsoever? A lot of people will give up on the show as a whole. Tired and exhausted that Eddie once again was the victim of bad writing. And if they dare to keep Buck in a relationship with Tommy? They will lose even more viewers.

I myself will retreat back into fanon-land where Buck and Eddie will be happy together forever. I might keep on watching the show from afar, only the parts that interest me. Basically because I love Eddie so much and I only want the best for him. I also love all the other characters and I want to see what happens to them. So I don't think I could give up on the show completely.

However, I really don't think it will have to come to that. I don't know for sure of course, but I do know that this time the odds are in our favour and we have a really good chance to get exactly what we wanted for years now: Eddie coming out in season 8 and eventually, when the dust is settled, Buddie.

[byoldervine]

If you're aroace, do you still write romance? If so, do you do it differently than allos do?

Tbh it’s made me very cautious of writing men and women because no matter what straight allos seem to think they’re flirting and would make a super cute couple. Back in my fic days that was often how I decided to have my characters date; I’d get loads of comments saying they couldn’t wait to see how X ship pans out when in reality it was just two friends having banter. And romance always seemed to be like a requirement in every story; if you don’t include at least a subplot where the main characters get together, what’s the point in creating them? Even if that mindset isn’t true

But just to show how my sexuality did indeed influence my writing - as well as my writing actually influencing my sexuality - I’ll give you guys an example:

I’ve mentioned it before but there was one character called Indigo who I wrote in an atrociously-written HTTYD fic on Wattpad back when I was like thirteen - all the comments were saying she was totally in love with another character, Plasma, and how they couldn’t wait to see her accept these feelings she has for him

Reminder; I had no intention of having them be in a relationship

But I decided to lean into it and explore why people perceived it this way, then used another character to be raising all the points. I did admit that, looking back as an older and more experienced writer, I did once or twice say things that implied more than intended because I didn’t fully understand the innuendo of them back then, but there was even some newer stuff that I just couldn’t figure out

So I tested my theories; I had the characters banter more, being very careful in that first chapter to keep it purely platonic, and people were going crazy about the flirting. So I figured if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em; I leaned into it, explored the idea of Indigo having feelings for Plasma. Let her get conflicted on it, let her vent that she had no idea what this kind of love feels like, just generally used it as an excuse to vent my own feelings on romantic love in general. I identified as bisexual at the time, but was starting to question things, so I just poured it out onto Indigo because it did work for her character and her general attitude to relationships of any form

Half the comments were about how they were worried about the ship and how Indigo had to realise her feelings soon - but the other half was people predicting that Indigo was aroace. I challenged my readers more directly to guess Indigo’s sexuality and asexual or aroace was the biggest guess. And so I leaned into it again and brought Indigo into what’s all but labelled as a QPR with Plasma, just to see how it goes, and in the meantime I was looking into asexuality. I think you can figure out how the latter went

But I guess what I learned from all of this when it comes to writing romance is that, at least for myself, it’s surprisingly easy to get people shipping them; have a guy and a girl banter. I’ll have to test in future if this works for visibly queer couples, but in general my go-to for flirting is just casual banter and so far it’s done the trick with my other old fics. I’m not flirting, I’m just sarcastic and British

What really scares me is writing sibling dynamics and other familial relationships because if I can make things flirty without even trying then how will this be perceived?

[skepticalarrie]

i am quite new to larry. i’m in my twenties but still fully missed the whole one direction phenomenon until two weeks ago when I saw one (1) tiktok of harry performing satellite and it has been all consuming since. what’s so strange to me about the whole experience (and i know this is not unique) is there’s no way i have thought of to talk about it with anyone irl. like how do i convincingly impress upon anyone how sincere i am in saying that these two former members of the 21st century’s most ubiquitous (and straightest™) boyband — including pop culture’s current golden boy — are actually exceedingly queer and closeted and now soul crushingly important to me as a queer person??? it’s just so contrary to the commonly accepted narrative of them, which i know is the whole damn point, but jesus. all i’ve been able to do is say “hey you should do some research about one direction lore, it’s interesting” and hope my friends accidentally fall down the rabbit hole too. tis a wild and wacky time.

This message would never feel as relatable to me as it feels right now. Because you’re right, it’s not a thing you really talk about in real life, it sounds insane.

I want to share something about Harry, specifically. I wasn’t sure if I would want to share that in the first place, but since you just sent this ask I thought it would fit this discussion just right and it literally just happened in my life. I’m sure a lot of people can relate to that. I’ve been a fan for several years now and I always got away just fine with it with people IRL, I don’t really talk much about it. But apparently now everyone in my social circle is completely in love with golden boy Harry Styles, and well… people happened to notice within the last year I’m a big fan. I just went to a bunch of his shows last week and people definitely noticed that even more. I had A LOT of friends coming to me saying all kinds of things, but mostly how hot he is. *Thank god he’s single now* was something I’ve had to sit through a couple of times. And fuck… it was by far the most uncomfortable situation I’ve ever been in all the years of being a fan, it was intense, he truly causes a reaction on people and I wasn’t expecting that. The kind of things some people say about artists just because they’re famous is just… yikes. And I’m talking about friends of mine, good people, treating him like a piece of meat, like he’s not human. People don’t even realise he’s just a normal guy behind all the fame and marketing. And I’m not going to be hypocritical and say I never treated artists like that because I must have at some point, it’s such an easy concept but somehow it’s very hard to realise how human they are unless you *really* look at them and listen to what they’re saying.

Anyway, it was a very devastating situation. I was uncomfortable enough once or twice to tell people to give up thirsting over him because he wouldn’t fuck them anyway, and they should look it up online because he was definitely not straight. I was *angry*, it really got to me. And people actually looked at me like I had completely lost my fucking mind. Like, what do you mean you don’t want to fuck him?? why do you love him so much then?? So it’s what you said, maybe some of them will look up and accept the idea that closeting may be a possibility, and that’s why a lot of queer fans connect with him so much... but who the fuck knows, they probably won’t. But it truly hit me like a ton of bricks how far deep in the closet he is, most people (in my very LGBTQ+ circle) don’t even consider the possibility even though he’s out there waving pride flags every single show and defying gender norms. I’m definitely keeping it more to myself now than I was before.

[my-castles-crumbling]

TO CAMP ANON

Hi love! Someone sent some advice to you, so I'm putting it under the cut because it's a bit heavy. I hope you're doing well <3

I’ve been keeping up with your tumblr and your asks and stuff, and I hope it’s okay but I had something to say to Camp Anon.

I sort of inferred the situation through your answers Cas. When I was a kid I was often in group at church with other “rebellious” kids. I know now that we were all the queer kids who hadn’t realised yet (credit to them, maybe some of them had) and then when I turned 16 and partly figured myself out I started getting invested in peoples stories.

By that point a lot of the kids I’d gone to church with were also closeted, and we started talking to each other about ourselves and our experiences.

And turns out a few of those kids went to conversion camps. The summers before and after I found out. 

One of the kids was a year older than me and is still a very close friend of mine. She’s actually taking a course to be a therapist now.

And there were a few things they said (and my friend still says when she decides to talk about it) that I thought maybe you should know. 

It seems like from Cas’ answers to the ask, that Camp Anon has been somewhere before and I presume is going somewhere else again this summer? (Parents don’t usually send kids the same place twice in a row)

Look, I have some advice that’s gonna suck but I think you should hear it. You need to know before you go to the camp what sort of level/type the camp it is. 

There are ways to find out and i’m gonna list some here and just do as much research as you can (safely) because if you’re unprepared it will be difficult to leave if you need to.

So the camp has to find away of telling parents what it’s like without directly saying it. It’s often found in quotes.

Theres a big difference between “helping your child” and “healing your child” and “fixing your child”. 

Helping usually means giving quotes and bibles and doing straight kid activities (whatever that means).

Healing usually means a lot of churchy sessions, “explaining” what’s wrong with you, being more delicate

And then fixing means being absolute dickheads. 

There should also be a website somewhere, or a form or something that your parents had to sign. Sometimes that can be over an email or sometimes it’s a letter. It’s just another way for the camp to cover their asses. Whatever is written inside it should give a vague message about the danger level, how many things they want to cover themselves for.

Also- about recording the camp. If you do decide to (no pressure, always prioritise your safety), focus on filming the other kids around you. If your phone is caught or found, if the videos start of silly with other kids in (as long as they know the risk of being caught with a phone too), it’s unlikely someone will scroll through all the videos, which will mean even if they’re deleted, you won’t rise too much suspicion. 

You can also hide videos in other places, like take a video you have and put it in a draft on your tumblr account, and then delete it from your phone. That can be done on Insta too. It does require internet but I assume you have mobile data.

Also camps without phones will still have wifi for adults, sometimes this is free wifi. If it is, don’t use it (if possible).

Also, sometimes the location of the camp on fliers won’t be the real location. For example, it might be the location of the church you go to, but the place you sleep might be one road over, so stay awake. Keep an eye on road names if you move from the location your parents dropped you off at (in case someone needs to come get you, and then can’t find you). 

It is illegal to say that being queer kids can be “fixed”. It’s against the law for camps to do this. Conversion therapy is illegal and wrong. Morally wrong and literally wrong. Not a thing. Doesn’t work. Total fucking bullshit.

And be careful. I know there’s a temptation to bring a weapon (like a knife) with you to these places, and it makes sense. But these kids have been through a lot, like you, and can be really depressed and have mental health issues. And you don’t want a kid to do something bad to themselves with a knife you brought with you to the camp. 

(Cas here: just remember if that ever happens, it's NOT your fault)

Just think it through. 

And be careful who you talk to, some of these kids believe the stuff they’re told. It’s not their fault but don’t assume everyone will agree with you about the situation. 

I don’t want to get too involved, I understand this is an overwhelming thing and reaching out just to talk about it was so brave. If you’d like I can ask my friend, who’s been to places like that, if there’s any personal advise she can give.  Or not, either way is fine. 

And finally, the area I grew up in had a terrible social services place nearby, and when you called the number for social services that school gave you, they’d just send someone from there. There was a kid I used to know who called social services on his family and the guy who showed up was friends with his dad. 

Idk if you have good social services or not but do some research first if you can ❤️

(Cas again: let me know if you want me to reach out to this anon to ask any questions or to get info from their friend! We support you <3)

[solarpunk-lady-of-the-woods]

Wow okay, I've started thinking about the forever alone period of my life a lot again these past few days, after accidentally scrolling down too low in my photos and realising that all the silly faces I was making in every single photo, because back then I wouldn't take normal photos of myself, looked like they were so bad at hiding the dread in my soul. Even though back then I was super aware of mental health and everything, except the fact that I was probably depressed. And I recently thought of posting about it, but got carried away wondering whether that requires a tw...

So maybe for now I'll just say (because idk what's the chance somebody will ever read this, but this just feels like the place), I was always the extremely weird kid, I got kicked out of kindergarten in like half a year for acting like... Yk that scene in Lilo and Stitch where some girl says 'you're crazy' and gets beat up? Yeah, but I, unluckily, was weirdly talented at fighting. Also saw no difference between kids and teachers... Yeah like I bit the principal in 3rd grade, not even half a year in that school... But from what I remember, he did grab me really not nicely and I was just trying to escape. Also 7 years old, cuz I started school early and skipped 2nd grade due to being 'gifted'. Then stayed in 5th a second year because I thought I couldn't make friends because everybody was so much older. Regrettable. I still didn't speak to any classmates. Well, after I did make one (probably neurodivergent) friend, who betrayed me. Twice, because maybe I forgive too easily.

Then got a phone, but only ever used YouTube and flash games, until almost 3 years ago, when I really liked a series on YouTube and the creator started a discord server for fans to discuss lore. Well, I joined years after the creation, and spent quite long observing how people there interact, yk how AIs learn by pure pattern recognition? So I learned to act like a chaotic gay gremlin there, before first interacting. But I was also being so myself, so true to myself!!!!!! Which was, as I realize now, exaggerating my personality traits to make myself as funny and 'polarising' as possible, essentially turning me into a caricature of myself. But the rest of the issues I was fully aware of. I lived years knowing I really just needed a hug from somebody who understands, but all my 'friends' were online. That is something that was, in fact, 100% true, the sad child in the photos obviously needs a hug... I also spent that whole time wishing there was a perfect copy of me I could be friends with (while kinda being friends and constantly chatting with one. who sane ppl couldn't see as she was imaginary. I mean, they're still a great friend lmao. no longer cis vibes, too...), as while I finally was surrounded by neurodivergent queer people, I still often felt alone even in that crowd, but I still considered my life as still always getting better with age, as before that, I had had nobody (except this one entitled boy who murdered baby birds to make older boys think he's cool, convinced me to steal from stores and probably only hung out with me so he can say he has a gf. I'm still friends with him btw.)

Oof, okay, fuck, this was supposed to be a short summary, uhh... Yeah so basically, (and I fear saying this even here rn), I had made one of my main *quirky*!!!! personality traits that I was obsessed with (mostly fictional) redemption arcs (no, not why I'm friends with the other guy, stfu), and so one day... Idrk if it's a good idea to give specifics that could lead somebody to someday find that discord server, so let's just say... Somebody said 'this one fictional redemption arc is mid', and I being in character me, said it's not. And, uhh... Well... Then... (I'm scared, guys.) They said I'd probably say anybody can be redeemed. And I was like. Yeah that's half my personality, have you not noticed me, for years mind you, saying stuff like 'whaaaat no I'm not obsessed with redemption arcs, why'd you accuse me??' (while nobody was at all accusing me of that because they couldn't even bother to remember my nr1 personally trait smh)... And uhh... I think I turned my phone off for a bit cuz my sister (who hates me normally) saw me sitting on the floor and crying and gave me canned corn... Fuck getting carried away again. Reminder I was a child again and uhh... Wait this site has no forbidden words, right? Well, they kinda said that that means I'd want to be friends with Hitler, and also then somebody found an old screenshot that... Fuck I'm still scared to say specifics, I don't what them to find me, I quite love the peace on this site and don't like drama.

So, long story short, I got cancelled, like 7 friends stuck by my, one blocked me one day out of nowhere, but others said their mom was just overprotective and it's not their fault. Then all but one remaining friends were in one mini server and when one mentioned something about a person I knew was bad news, and I kinda inquired whether they know that? And got dishonourably banned for being insensitive. Which might've been fair, I've heard it's not polite to walk up to somebody and say 'your friend is a dick'. (Reminder that I'm not endorsing any of the shit this very unwell child is doing in the story I swear I'm not herrrr guys.) So yeah. And so the last friend disappeared over a month after the cancelling.

I learned that instead of watching YouTube at my laptop, I could use my phone instead and that way I could tidy while listening. I spent months tidying my room. Cut my hair short, as it had been a greasy mess. No, not what you're imagining right now, worse. No, much worse than that. I had been trying to embody a character. Just like with everything else. But no more. Started showering again instead of 100 layers of salt deodorant. I started meditating (helped for like 4 months, but now I don't do that again, maybe should lmao, off topic though). Walking to the forest and appreciating nature, like I kinda used to when I was a little child, with my dad. Reordered the furniture in my room. Got back into painting. A lot of little things. They do add up.

And then, before the end of the school year, I said hi to a quiet girl in my class, whom I used to talk to a little bit 4 years ago, but stopped. Well, apparently, he's a boy now. But... Yeah. I got introduced to the whole neurodivergent queer squad in my school, and idk if it's just me or a coincidence, but every last one of them seems so much more genuine and kind than the ppl I used to know online.

It's been years. I think I've healed, and then... Though maybe I have. Yesterday, I decided to revisit one of the maladaptive daydreams I used to escape to most of the time I was at school, or even at home for that matter, to distract myself from thoughts. I at first planned to just go through the standard scenario of making fictional friends, but then, I just stood there, and saw the character I had made so many years ago trying to make friends with the currently evil character. Allowing herself to be hurt. Desperate. Smiling. So fucking SHE NEEDS THERAPY GET HER SOME THERAPY AND A HUG LIKE OH MY GOD THIS CHILD SHOULD NOT GO THROUGH THE STUFF IRL THAT SHE PREFERS THIS TO WHAT THE FUCK, NONE OF THIS THAT HAPPENED IS OKAY TO PUT A FUCKING CHILD THROUGH.

So yeah I think I healed my inner child yesterday. How was your Saturday?

It’s weird how everyone hating you when you’re nine years old still affects your self esteem when you’re 26 like yeah nobody came to my birthday party but that was like 17 years ago why is it stopping me from going to a gay bar

[argentiniandoom]

this is going to be a very long post of me rambling about some thoughts I've been having for some time. no need to read it but if you do, know that I love you and would give you a tender kiss in the forehead.

ok I admit I'm sometimes surprised at how little queerphobia I face where I live lmao. let me explain (no this is not a 'come to Buenos Aires' propaganda post, though I wouldn't mind if you are convinced by it):

so I realised I was bisexual at age 16 and immediately came out to my family over the course of the next few days. obviously 16 is not particularly late to figure out your sexuality lmao but it was surprising even to me since I knew I liked girls a lot for years. I still love women a lot, they're great. so great I'm now one too, which I started figuring out the next few years (it wasn't that long ago but it seems like it because of covid).

the response from my family was, admittedly, less than ideal. I definitely thought my family was a lot more 'progre' ('woke'). my sister was a terf back then and the first boy I liked was trans so yeah. and my mom became worried that I'd be punched on the street, especially when I started painting my nails and doing make up. I remember telling her 'don't worry, I'll punch them back' which was probably the worst answer I could have come up with lmao. my dad doesn't generally care that much one way or the other, or at least tries not to show it, though he sometimes drops a phrase like 'I'm just sad because that means I won't have grandchildren' which is wrong in at least 4 massive and entirely different ways, but tbf he is usually pretty understanding when I explain a subject to him well (which i kinda have to have the skill for). and my grandma, well, I don't talk to her anymore (though believe me, my sexuality is just the tip of the iceberg of the reasons why). on the other hand, the response from friends was great because the school I went to was 90% populated by queer people (though the only actual couples were straight so you'd only see straight kisses on recess, sadly 😔) and my college is probably higher than that lmao (I study filmmaking in a public university so yeah).

now, the response from the rest of the world (outside of places like say, pride marches or gay bars) was of absolute indifference. in the best way possible. I have noted some people looking at me when I use my full skirt but like, I look at anybody too for no reason . I never felt threatened or anything like it by a stranger. and from my acquaintances, like my dentists who I visit since I was born (literally, that very day) or the adults in the spaces I frequent, I usually only got passing remarks about my nails or skirt, and I was even offered nail polish once.

now I'm definitely not saying no response was ever bad. last period I had the worst teacher ever who loved humiliating students and always tried doing that one way or the other. the first time I showed up with a skirt he asked me twice if it was indeed a skirt (the second time asking if it was a monk's habit lol) and then proceding to give an example about the day's subject by using the story of a man wearing a skirt because it was the fashion or something. and look, that was, I believe, the most bigoted experience I ever had, BUT, while that may sound terrible and, for many queer people in most contexts, absolutely would be, let me make clear that this teacher is at the very least somewhat disliked by most students and he was trying to mock me in front of a class made up entirely by 18 to like 25 year olds, probably half of them queer. I found that amusingly pathetic more than anything else.

the only other (actually) bad experiences I had were comments made by some adult acquaintances, but all of them (that I can remember) were either questions from genuine ignorance, or easily countered, innocent opinions, if a little stereotypical. literally the only times I was actually insulted for being queer ware before I realised I was queer myself. that is, I was called mean things like 'puto' (kind of like the f-word but much more watered down and reclaimed lmao) by 15 year olds at my high school. obviously it's not great that that's normalised, but at the same time, it was just a mean group of teens. I have never been bullied for being queer nor do I think I would have. I was bullied for other stuff, sure, but that's a whole different issue.

now, that was a bold claim, saying 'I don't believe I would have been bullied for being queer.' I wanna clarify, this is based on personal experience and opinions and info I have on my schools and schoolmates, and definitely not a general claim about schools in Argentina or even Buenos Aires city. we still have trans people murdered here, and '¿Dónde está Tehuel?' ('Where's Tehuel?', a young trans man that was disappeared in early 2021 and has not yet been found) is still an important issue and a slogan for queer people and activists. we're not a country free of queerphobia by any standards, especially (from what I know) outside of Gran Buenos Aires (Buenos Aires City and the sorrounding metropolitan area). but that doesn't negate the fact that I have never, personally, been in any way attacked by anyone. people don't treat me differently, especially strangers. that said, I am still generally male presenting, just with some feminine gender expression, and I'm pretty big so most people would probably think twice before insulting me on the street lmao. so I may not be the best example, but I am the one I have.

again, that does not mean systemic queerphobia doesn't exist here, it is definitely not just a few bad apples. but we are still a country with a long history of very important social struggles, one of the first to legalize gay marriage and gender transition with one of the most progressive gender identity laws in the world.

the fight is far from over, but I can't help notice chatty old people will talk to me equally. that may be a bit weird, but it is something I'm glad for.

[graylinesspam]

In honor of Ace week, I think we should have some hard truths.

I've been exploring my sexuality since I was probably about 7. When my parents explained what lesbians were (to explain why my aunt had a wife) and I started asking myself if I thought the girls I saw on TV we're pretty.

I had decided no I didn't think they were especially pretty and that was that until puberty hit. At which point I realised that there wasn't really any difference in the way I saw girls and boys. I came out as Bi in the 7th grade. I never experienced so much as a scoff. Even living in the very conservative town I was I found a whole slew of other queer kids to support me. My parents didn't even blink at the news.

I have been very lucky to have never experienced biphobia.

When I went through my gender crisis. Twice technically. The first time in the 8th grade when I started experiencing dysphoria and talked with my parents about it. My very straight very cis parents suggested I might be trans and should look into it. I was really intimidated by the thought but "tried it on" for a weekend. I used anboys name, dressed masculinity and out on fake facial hair. (I was 12 and a half cut me some slack) but I didn't feel like a boy so I chalked it up to body insecurities and started working on my self esteem. Again my parents were very helpful.

By the time I was a junior with the self-esteem of a bitch in a manic episode I realized that I still didn't feel connected with my body. That things besides sexist stereotypes still made me feel gross and I really didn't like a lot of things about being female. So I did the gender crisis thing all over again but this time with a supportive lgbt+ society to hold my hand. I came out as nonbinary (agender) and I received all of one dipshit remark from some redneck biitch in my history class. To which I very seriously responded "chick or not your girlfriends still sucked my face off during prom". That was before they were together for the record.

But being ace. That I ignored for a long time. I had some grasp of the fact that I just wasn't motivated to do anything with anyone else. I had been out for 5 years and had two very temporary girlfriends. I never had the knee jerk sexual thoughts that everyone esplee talked about. I wasn't interested in dating really. I made a shit partner. And both my girlfriends told be they didn't feel like I was attracted to them. The first suggested I might be straight.

I wasn't against s*x but high schoolers always want to do it in the most convoluted way. Before their of legal age, or somewhere on campus, or in someone's car, or literally out in front of their friends. In their parents house when their parents were very against it. I thought all of that was pretty stupid. I didn't want to get in trouble over something as dumb as having sex some way I shouldn't. So I just didn't. And if confused a lot of people when i asked why they would. "Because I wanted to have sex/ I didn't care if we got caught/ it was worth getting in trouble" etc.

I tried to force myself to date/get intimate with people but it always just felt kind of gross. Like tbh other people's mouths are like /wet/ and I just feel like I'm getting a messy cheek kiss from my grandma with her dentures out.

But I didn't want to look into asexual. I didn't want to read about it or consider it because it felt like giving up. I wanted to date and get married and fall in love and have sex and everything you're supposed to do to find someone you want to spend the rest of your life with. Admitting that I was ace (and aro) felt like submitting myself to isolation. And honestly, it kind of was.

I've received some pretty nasty comments from lesbians about my sexuality. I've been asked to leave queer spaces that I occupied for more than six years. I've had someone ask about my gender identity and only admit I'm part of the community because I'm trans. I've been called inhumane. I've had people tell me it's just nerves from being a virgin. I've had people offer to "treat me real nice" so I wouldn't be scared anymore. And I've received minimuml support from the community.

A few kind bi and trans people go out of their way to insist we are part of the community but when it comes to actually talking about the queer experience or looking for comfort when my queerness makes me feel alone I've had all of 1 other ace reach out to help me. They were younger than me.

I have found more ace people (here on Tumblr and very much by accident) but I feel jaded by the comments I've been afraid to reach out unless someone else does it first. I think we as the Ace community need to do better. I think we need to become more active with each other and talk about our experiences more. I know it's scary. I know I'm not the only one who's been bitched at by others in the community. But I'm tired of feeling alone and I know the baby aces are too. We can ask the larger community to do better till we're blue in the face but we need to do it first. We need to support each other. Our sister aros too

Thank you.

[the-queer-look]

Couple Theory

Name: Lucy Age: 24 Location: Glebe Occupation: Bush Regenerator Sexual Orientation: Lesbian Gender: Female

Name: Aisling Age: 21 Location: Glebe Occupation: Customer Service Sexual Orientation: Queer Gender: Female

Lucy – I feel like I’m still figuring out how I’m comfortable presenting because I didn’t come out till I was twenty, which was quite a time after I realised I was gay at sixteen. When I moved to Sydney I really wanted to show people that I was queer, and with much of my influence being from the internet, I wore a lot of the stereotypical lesbian clothing I saw on there – mostly sporty sorts of clothing – but as I’ve gone through, whenever I find something that I don’t hate myself in I wear it over and over again until something new comes along. Recently I’ve been vibing with the look of boots, singlet tops, and making my tattoos very visible. I make myself look somewhat unapproachable with my resting face being a frown, and my outfits being if not aggressive, then non-welcoming, but if people do actually come up to me I really want people to like me, so it all falls away.

Aisling – My daily presentation is just the easy T-shirts and jeans, lots of bouldering merch, maybe a button up if I’m being a little fancy, just a classic chapstick lesbian.

Lucy – Where did your inspo for that come from?

Aisling – What? Jeans and a shirt? Does that need inspiration? I guess I tuck my shirt in to make sure its queer? I have a lot of Vans, and a milk crate full of socks I guess. I used to save up money when I was in high school to put towards my first pair of Vans and I was so excited. I think I have twenty pairs now? Lots of converse, runners, and climbing shoes as well. Colourful socks and shoes are my thing I guess.

Lucy – I remember I was sixteen when I realised I liked girls, but I don’t know what triggered it. I think it was something on TV? I think it was an NCIS episode and they had a really awful portrayal of lesbians, who were identified as gay because at the end of the episode they held hands, and that triggered some kind of twinge in my chest that I’d never felt before.

Ailing – That was your gay bone

Lucy – My gay bone?

K – Yeah, your sternum is your gay bone

Ailing – I’ve torn that twice from being too gay

K – you need to remember to stretch before going out and being gay all night.

Lucy – It was a really weird feeling, I didn’t know what it was. I couldn’t stop thinking about it, so I went and found out about the episode, and it was of course one of those “oh no homosexuals are evil” sorts of plots. I think that negative portrayal contributed to my negative feelings about being gay, and being so scared to come out. I don’t know where else that would have come from because my parents never expressed any opinion about homosexuality. Those feelings were confirmed when I had my first crush on a girl in my school. I was nauseous more than anything when I realised it, and I just ignored that feeling for years which isn’t healthy. What helped me overcome it though, as I’m sure helped a lot of people from small towns with not much queer representation was the internet, and YouTubers, The Legend of Korra, and Tumblr. (The ending of Legend of Korra) was ust so beautiful, and so revolutionary as well. I remember seeing the ship of Korra and Asami come up on my tumblr, but it was years before the end fo the show, when it actually happened. I remember watching it on a family holiday trip and had to leave the dining table and I was shaking and crying because it was such a huge, beautiful moment that was probably one of the most significant moments of accepting myself. Looking back I definitely associate that final image of them holding hands before going to the spirit world together with my final stage of accepting who I am.

Moving to Sydney was my time to finally come out and explore. I came out to one of my Canadian exchange friends who was here, and they took me to Birdcage (lesbian nightclub in Sydney) where I met some of my friends. My first time in a queer club was like being surrounded by a family who I felt like I knew even though I hadn’t met any of them. That was also the year that the marriage equality vote was passed, So I took that opportunity to find out what my parents thought about homosexuality by asking them what they were voting for. They both said they were voting yes, which made me feel comfortable enough to come out to them the next week.

I’m still learning what are the most appropriate ways to describe myself and my relationship with myself, and how to present myself to the world. The more I learn, the more I will change the way I present myself, and there is a lot more of myself to explore.

Aisling – I think I was around thirteen or fourteen when I saw the show “faking it” - a show about a girl in high school figuring out her sexuality – and I just noticed that I was relating to every situation that the character was going through, and suddenly realised I was questioning my sexuality. I mentioned it to one of my friends that I used to walk to school with, and she would just keep egging me on with “come on just say it, just say you’re gay its fine”. I came out to her as bi at one stage, but I didn’t like that term, I didn’t like the term lesbian either, and still don’t, I prefer to think of myself as queer, or just gay.

When I actually came out two or so years later, I remember telling my close friend group that I was bi… and then later that week just said “nah I’m gay actually”. It was about 7:30pm, on a Wednesday night, after basketball, in the shower talking to myself saying “im gonna do this, im gonna do this”. Just me and my dad home, I psyched myself up for ages and then walked in and out of the kitchen about five times before going “Dad, I have something to tell you” sweating bullets “Dad, I’m gay la di da.”

Lucy – La di da?

Aisling – yes, Father, it’s la di da for me I’m afraid

Lucy – please put my sexuality down as la di da

Aisling – The first thing he said to me was “yeah I always thought you had a bigger obsession with the female tennis players than the men.” and yeah damn he had me there. I hate that I remember the day and everything… like the first of September 2016?

I moved out from my mum to my dad’s mostly because my mum’s partner at the time was very homophobic, and any dinner conversation would turn to him deriding gay marriage, or coming out with some racist shit. Eventually I decided “this bothers me too much, I’m going to have to say something” and it was… really upsetting when he didn’t agree. So of course I came out to my dad first and made him tell mum, which was then an interesting conversation…

“Your father tells me you’ve told him you’re gay?”

“yep, that’s it”

She contacted my school supervisor that night and told all of my teachers to look out for any homophobic acts towards me, letting them know that I was gay and to look out for me.

Lucy – I feel like together we tick a lot of stereotypes

Aisling – We really do

Lucy – We moved in together really quickly

Aisling – We own a cat together

Lucy – Theres that Subaru…

Aisling – I also had a lot of influence from those same queer YouTubers, and seeing their coming out videos and how free they felt afterwards made me really want to share it.

Immediately after I came out everyone at school was very supportive, like they already knew and assumed I was gay because I was just that sporty chick, so being gay just sorta went with it?

Lucy – I think I looked for validation from my parents. When I came out to mum there was no huge deal made about it, butI think validation from them comes in small snippets. Every time mum sends me something, like recently she arranged her coloured chopping boards into a rainbow and sent me a picture with “these are for you!” it’s very small, but its very significant. When I had a really big hickey on my neck, my dad said

“oh who gave you that on your neck? Does he sleep in a coffin?”

“it was a she actually”

“oh does she sleep in a coffin then?”

he just wanted to channel it into a dad joke, but it was a weird way to come out to him actually.

Aisling – To me the term Queer means “everyone included” even just an ally of the community, or a parent of an LGBT person doing your best to make them feel safe and welcome, you’re welcome in the community you know? By properly supporting something, you become a part of it.

Lucy – For me it’s very similar with those lines of community and family. It can be a label, but I feel that its evolving more into a term that indicates embracing all people. I use it sometimes to refer to a collective group of… well queer people. I refer to my close friends as my queer family.

Aisling – It feels better to use than assuming someone’s sexuality or gender without knowing the specifics.

Lucy – Individually I wouldn’t refer to any of my friends as queer. I know one friend refers to himself specifically as a bisexual, man, rather than a queer person. So I definitely like its a more family, community term, rather than a specific label, though It can still be used as one.

Aisling – I like the term because when I first came out I identified as bi, then gay, then bi, then gay, than they? And it feels more appropriate to use for myself because I’m still working it out, and it can cover a lot. For example I don’t think of myself as completely feminine, but I also don’t like the term non-binary to refer to myself, but the idea of “They” still, rather than just being she/her, I like the idea of she/they. And referring to myself as queer feels more of an accurate description.

Lucy – Ever since moving to Sydney and coming out and going to that first club night I’ve always thrown myself into as many queer events as I possibly could. I want to be able to contribute more to the community rather than just be involved in it, a lot of my friends are very engaged in the queer community, and I feel like I don’t have that level of involvement. I love that I’m never scared or intimidated to go to queer events, by myself or with my friends. Whilst I feel very connected to the queer community, I wish I could be more involved. I’m scared that since my friend group is all finishing university and looking to the future, that I’ll lose that sense of connection as everyone moves away, even though I’m sure we’ll all stay in touch.

Aisling – I feel little to no involvement in the queer community at the moment because I’m focusing so hard on my training. I’m involved with Queer Climbers Sydney though, and am looking to get more involved in the future, as soon as I have the time to do stuff.

Lucy – Challenges facing the queer community here isn Sydney… I feel like we need to create a wider variety of safer spaces in more areas. There’re certain areas of Sydney where queer people I know just don’t feel as comfortable. And the ones we do have are always pubs and clubs. Not to detract from queer nightlife; but having so much of queer culture based around adult only areas reinforces the idea that being gay, or trans, or whatever is an adult thing, and makes it easier for people to excuse restricting education about it to kids, which can be so harmful growing up and not having the education to understand yourself.

Aisling – I feel like theres more acceptance towards gay, lesbian, and bi people. But there’s less of an acceptance of trans people, like they can understand being gay, but they cant seem to understand what a trans person even is, much less how to approach them. Probably need more education about it in schools. More comprehensive sex ed instead of just how to put a condom on a fucking banana.

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[imaginejamesandsirius]

Sirius on anaesthesia from a muggle surgery (needed for something his parents did or his incessant smoking) with lots of care fluff 🥰

((A/N: Mentions of child abuse, serious injuries, and recovery, and mild homophobia))

It was hard to find Sirius appropriately cute being all doped up because of the circumstances. James would like to make one thing quite clear: Sirius was adorable. At all times and in all ways. 

But the situation was... well, utter shite. It proved how much it was utter shite that when James accidentally used that exact phrasing in front of his parents, they agreed instead of telling him to watch his language. Sirius hadn't said (yet) what set it off, but his parents had gone completely mad. Beat him so bad he ended up in hospital, and the Potter parents had been granted temporary custody. Sirius was old enough that he'd probably become an adult before they finalized his custody with anyone. 

The cute part of this-- if there was one-- was how Sirius acted when he was all loopy from pain medication. James tried to enjoy the way Sirius would go full puppy eyes, and then he'd see the stitches on his head and have a hard time feeling good about anything. 

"Jaaaames," Sirius whinged, pawing half-heartedly at James's arm. His depth perception was buggered up with one eye covered, so he ended up a few centimetres short. And slightly to the left, but it was hard to say if that was an injury thing or a meds thing. 

"Yeah, Si?" 

"'m bored."

No screens, no moving... yeah he was real sodding bored and James couldn't blame him for it. The music Sirius normally listened to was punk, which Mum and Dad had declared too grating for his current state. That Sirius didn't fight them on it was proof enough that they were right about it. Sirius could sort of play games right now, but sometimes sitting up for too long was taxing, and again, depth perception was an issue. They'd tried to play Monopoly the other day, but he hadn't been able to put the money in the bank without fucking up and he got upset. All of this was to say that Sirius was bored, and while James was sympathetic, he didn't really know what he could do about it. "Alright. What- er, what do you want to do?" 

"What I really want to do is go got a malt from Fortescue's. Or have a smoke. But I'm guessing you're not going to let me do that." 

"Fuck no. I didn't like you smoking before, I'm sure as hell not going to help you do it now." 

Sirius gave a forlorn sigh. "Yeah, I thought not. What've you been doing?" He was pretty coherent right now, which was rare. His words were still a little slurred, but the doctors had said that would last for a while with everything going on. (They hadn't phrased it quite like that, but it's what James had taken from it.) 

"Staying with you? Your memory might be shite right now, but what did you really think I'd be doing?" 

"Hm. You're getting boring in your old age, Prongs." 

"I've gotten halfway through that series Remus was going on about," he offered. 

"That makes me more old, not less." 

James blinked at him. "Alright. Whatever." 

Sirius waved his arm at him, managing to hit his leg. "'m bored." 

"I can read to you?" James offered with a slight grimace. It's not like Sirius hated books or summat, but it was the only thing available to them right now and he'd always been more on the active side. 

"Can I pick the book?" 

"Sure." 

"Do we have any Seuss books here?" 

"Y'know, when you said you wanted to pick the book, I thought you were going to force me to read the history of punk or summat." 

"I want to hear you bugger up your words as much as I've been doing. Get one of those tongue-twister ones." 

"You haven't been that bad," James protested. 

Sirius tilted his head just to look him in the eye and give him a flat look. "Memory's shit, but I can hear what I sound like." 

"Your sentences are perfectly coherent." 

"Yeah, now. Didn't used to be." 

James didn't really know what to say to that, so he went off to find some Seuss books-- he knew that Dad had some around here somewhere-- with a careful pat on Sirius's shoulder as he left. 

*

"What'd your parents get in such a snit about anyways?" Peter asked. 

Sirius was healed enough that Mum and Dad had let Peter and Remus come over. "Told them I was queer," he said casually. "Well, technically I told them I was dating James, but like, same outcome for grandchildren. I guess they found it horribly offensive." 

James tried to remember how to breathe. He'd known that the Black parents were bigoted pieces of rubbish, but he hadn't realised just how bad they were. That they'd do this to Sirius at all was bad enough, but over something so trivial as who he liked to sleep with? 

"You're dating?" Remus asked. If he hadn't known about them, he was the only one. 

"Yeah mate," Peter said, doing everyone a favour by answering. "For like three years, where've you been?" 

"I-" Remus blinked. "Well I dunno. I knew they fancied each other, but I didn't know they'd actually done something about it." 

"How are you the dumbest bloke I've ever met," Peter asked flatly. 

"Practice?" 

James snorted, rubbing at his face. "Yeah, well maybe stop practicing. I think you've perfected it by now, Moony." 

"I second that," Sirius added. "Time to call it quits and make fun of us for being all sappy." 

"You're not the sappy sort," Remus said dismissively. 

Sirius and James shared a look. They kept things mildly toned down around their friends, but they were definitely the sappy sort. And even then, James was pretty sure they were more sappy in front of Remus and Peter than either of them really cared to see. "We'll see what you say at Hogwarts in a couple weeks when we're all stuck in the dormitory together again," Sirius said. 

"You gonna be better by then?" Peter asked, surprised. 

Sirius opened his mouth to give a customary answer that of course he'd be fine, nothing could keep him down, but then he stopped. He wasn't going to be going back to school with the rest of them. He was doing the work at home for the first month, and then they were letting him go back to Hogwarts if nothing else went wrong. The cut on his leg from surgery had started to get infected, and it had set back his recovery time. Originally though, he should've been able to go back for their final year of Hogwarts. "I meant you two having to watch James stare at his phone all moody and pining for me," he said with half a smile that none of them believed was real for a second. 

*

"I hate that you're leaving," Sirius muttered. 

"I hate it too," James said glumly, squeezing him carefully. He wanted to be comforting, but he also refused to hurt him just because he wasn't paying enough attention. He'd already asked his parents if he could stay here and join the term late like Sirius was doing, and the answer had been a firm no. 

"Don't get your phone taken away." 

"Wouldn't be the first time it's happened." 

"Yeah, but then I wouldn't have anyway of talking to you. Or showing you my progress with liquid eyeliner." 

"Is that really what you're going to be doing while I'm gone?" 

"Gotta do something with my time. Homework doesn't take but, what, two hours?" 

James hummed in agreement. He knew it wasn't like that for everyone, but school was boring as all hell. And he wouldn't even have Sirius to help distract him this time-- not for a while, at least. "So what am I supposed to do while you're busy doing your makeup?" 

"Hone your doodling skills?" 

"There's only so many times I can draw Slughorn running a furniture store before I get bored." 

"Then draw a comic, you lazy bastard." 

"What if Grubbyplank takes it away?" 

"Ask for it back. After class, of course." 

"Of course," James repeated, rolling his eyes. 

"That sass is not going to help you." 

"Aw c'mon. By this point, all the teachers know what to expect from me. Whether or not you're there," he added, because it seemed like the kind of loophole Sirius would try to use. "But fine. Comics about us and our epic love." 

"We're already living that. You should make one where I'm a dog." 

"Are we still in love when you're a dog? Or are you my pet? Or am I a dog too?" 

"How should I bloody know? I just think being a dog would be pretty relaxing." 

"Unless you're one of those dogs that has to pull a sled." 

"Then make me a house dog that lays around in the sun and goes for walks twice a day. That sounds nice." 

"Going for walks?" James asked. 

"Laying in the sun." 

"You realise you can do that now, right?" 

"Every time I lay on the floor, you think I'm hurt and freak out." 

"You did fall once," James pointed out, because it was important that Sirius remember there was a reason to him panicking. 

"I tripped. I didn't fall." 

"Does it matter?" 

"Meh. Not really." Sirius sighed, grabbing James's arm and repositioning it so he could hug it. "I just hate that I'm not gonna see you for so long." 

"Maybe you can visit on a weekend." 

"Yeah," he said neutrally. "Not sure Mum will let me. She's more paranoid than you are." 

"I'm not paranoid." 

Sirius scoffed. 

"I just want you to be healthy, is that so wrong?" 

"Saying yes would make me sound suicidal, so no, I guess it's not so bad." 

"Just- I dunno. Send me lots of snaps." 

"Course. Can't keep this beautiful face all to myself. Hell, by the time I'm back at school, it'll probably be safe for you to kiss me again." 

"Here's hoping," James said, pressing his lips lightly to the top of Sirius's head. 

[theharellan]

So it’s Dragon Age Day, and the prompt for this year is “How has Dragon Age changed you?” and while I didn’t submit anything, this was partially because of how busy I was the last few weeks and also it’s hard summarising the ways the series has changed or affected my life. I still wanted to talk about it somehow though, so I’m gonna write about it here! CW for mild discussion of depression and heteronormativity.

I first picked up Dragon Age completely on a whim, I wanna say the summer of 2011 because I’d just finished my first year in undergrad. I think I’d seen my dad play it once or twice but I actually thought it looked bad, because like... Origins is ugly. I love it, but it’s not a pretty game, and its gameplay didn’t do much to sell me, either. But I picked it up because I was bored, and immediately after I hit “new game” I saw I could play as a dwarven princess and I was hooked. My first true Dragon Age love was actually Gorim Saelac, and Alistair would always be a step down from him, sorry Alistair.

I blazed through the game in a matter of days, and I saw that Dragon Age II had been released earlier this year. I also saw it was getting pretty mixed reviews, and said to my dad I probably don’t want it. He didn’t listen to me and bought it anyway, which is also how I ended up with AC: Unity, but in this case I’m glad he didn’t listen because DA2 is my second fave in the series now, after Inquisition.

I went into the game sort of expecting to romance Fenris or Anders, I’d never actually picked a woman to romance in these types of games. I grew up on Harvest Moon, where you were sort of forced to play as a man and romance women, and it was a novelty to get to be a woman and date men. Also, I’d been a big fan of Final Fantasy XII and loved Fenris’ voice. Only then I met them and they were both very angry and intense and I was immediately turned off.

So I romanced Merrill.

There are problems with that romance, no question, but romancing Merrill was probably one of the first positive ways I’d been able to express my attraction to women ever, even if I wouldn’t quite realise my romantic orientation until years after. Like, before it had been put upon me, because developers didn’t realise that Harvest Moon fans had a significant female fanbase and made me play as a man, or shell out more money for a second version of the game, and there was no option to be queer. Or it was things like when my internalised sexiam and internalised homophobia got tangled in a net when I was a child and I wound up disliking fictional female characters I had a crush on until I grew out of it. Or assumed heteronormativity made me believe it was just friendship I was feeling. Being able to choose to play a woman and choose to romance a woman meant a lot to me, especially as Merrill quickly became my favourite character in the series. I joke sometimes that “Merrill made me gay” but these games-- and other Bioware games or those like it-- gave me space to explore what I hadn’t explored in reality, thanks to heteronormativity and the struggles that I find a lot of ace people have with figuring out their romantic orientation.

But that wasn’t the only way Dragon Age helped change me. As I said, I started the series after my first year in college, and by the time Inquisition came out I had just graduated a few months prior. I was unemployed and wasn’t sure what to do with myself, and was in a deep depressive episode that in some ways I’m still trying to claw myself out of. Inquisition was the main thing I was looking forward to, albeit with some apprehension as I was overall disappointed with Mass Effect 3. As it turned out, I didn’t have to worry, as it became my favourite. Playing Inquisition, as well as replaying the other two, helped alleviate my mood, as did writing. I had made an rp blog for my Inquisitor, Thora, the day before the game came out, and after the Temple of Mythal I made a blog for Solas.

Writing both of these characters has really helped me over the years. Through Solas I was able to better understand my own mental health issues, researching his symptoms and seeing myself reflected in them. Same with Thora, the expectations put on her and the anxieties she has, some she could meet and some she couldn’t.

I also started writing Solas around the same time I started drifting farther left, and while I can’t credit Dragon Age for turning me into a leftist, that would be doing a disservice to the real, living, breathing activists who influenced me, it was unquestionably a lens through which I could see corruption in power structures and the importance of them being dismantled. My first time playing DA:O I was sort of neutral on the concept of Circles, I sided with the mages, thought things like the Rite of Tranquility were cruel, and advocated that Jowan be let go, but with our main perspectives coming from Wynne, who is pro-Circle, and Morrigan, who has a very Randian view of “they didn’t stop this so they deserve it,” it wasn’t until DA2 and replaying DA:O that I began to question its existence entirely. Which I think is one of the brilliant things about DA:O, it introduces the world in such a way that you step into it as though you lived it, rather than dropping you into the world similar to a TES game. It grants the player an opportunity to learn to question the existing power structures through slow experience and learning, rather than an rpg where you have so little context that you question it because you are a stranger dropped into an unjust world.

The last thing I wanted to talk about the way Dragon Age has changed me is through the fandom. Korth knows we have had our differences and frustrations, but as I said I started writing Solas five years ago, and in those five years I’ve met a lot of people through this fandom. Many of the people I was writing with five years ago aren’t around anymore, but some still are and I want to say I appreciate your presence so much, whether we talk or we are just comfortable mutuals, whether you’ve moved fandoms and still follow me or still talk to me on Discord. Through writing Solas and Thora I’ve met some of my best friends, and my darling Joly, which is more than I could ever ask of any game. It’s strange to think that something I picked up on a whim one boring summer is why I have the happiness I do now, but I’m grateful to it, to the hundreds of people who created the game, and most of all the people in the fandom I’m lucky enough to call ‘friend.’

[benisasoftboi]

So on Friday night I made this post:

Which I expected that maybe ten, twenty people would see? I didn’t think anyone would really care about a joke about something so old and obscure, and it would just get lost in all the Detective Pikachu stuff. Instead, within five hours, it had become my most popular post. 

I know it’s still not a huge number, but it’s still way more attention than I’ve ever received for anything... ever, so I’ve been thinking about Pokemon Live a lot since. Which has been bad, because this morning I had to take a very important political economy exam, and instead of thinking about Bretton Woods or Marx, I was thinking about Pokemon. I nearly referred to my country’s former Prime Minister as ‘David Camerupt’. It wasn’t good. 

I need to expunge my thoughts. Specifically, my thoughts on one topic in particular - the way this show treats, or rather mistreats, the character of James. Because I truly, truly love Pokemon Live. I do. It’s one of the most glorious dumpster fires I’ve ever had the pleasure of watching a poor quality recording of. But this is the one thing I definitely don’t love.

I don’t expect anyone to read this. I mean, I said that last time, but this time I really don’t. It’s a long essay on a niche topic, and it isn’t even funny. But on the off chance it’ll get you to stick with me, I promise that there will be pictures of Andrew Rannells cuddling puppies at the end. 

So,

How Pokemon Live Mistreats James, and Why It Matters:

The Mandatory Mentioning of The Actor

I’m guessing anyone who knows anything about Pokemon Live also knows that now highly successful, Tony-nominated Broadway and television actor Andrew Rannells was in it playing James. And if you didn’t, now you know why I’ve mentioned him twice now. I’m a big fan of this guy.

He hated this role. Absolutely despised it. Apparently the show was a miserable environment to work in for everyone. The costumes were uncomfortable. The audiences were unbearable. There’s a making of for this show, which can be viewed on YouTube in its entirety - I’ve watched the whole thing more than once and you can see in every cast member’s eyes - there’s no light there. They’re all dead inside. It’s almost heartbreaking.  

To be clear - he’s the only one of these people I, or anyone else I’ve seen, ever makes fun of for this show. And that’s because he’s fine. He’s fine! He’s done very well for himself and talking about it won’t hurt his career, and there’s just always something really hilarious about seeing very successful people in terrible things, isn’t there? Chris Hemsworth in Saddle Club, Zach Braff in Babysitter’s Club, literally everyone in Foodfight. It’s not malicious or in any way intended to be punching down - just poking fun at a really good actor’s really bad early work. It’s not even really making fun of him, more that he was in this.

But there is one reason he hated the role that I don’t find so funny, and that’s that he felt the people that wrote the thing had made James a grossly over-the-top, borderline-to-over-the-line (depending on your tolerance) homophobic stereotype. And... yeah. They undeniably did that.  

Rannells understandably dislikes the character, and to be honest - that makes me a little sad. Knowing that musical!James is probably the only version of the character he (and likely a lot of parents who saw the show, and other cast members) ever really encountered, that’s a huge shame. Because if we go back to the anime the musical’s based on, the one I, and many others, grew up on, James is quite different. In fact, I personally consider anime!James to be the best character in the entire Pokemon franchise.

Why We Love Team Rocket 

Just want to quickly note that I can only discuss the anime up to about halfway through the Sinnoh seasons - I’ve seen basically nothing after that. My childhood was some original series, a lot of Hoenn, and a fair bit of early Sinnoh (somehow skipped over Johto almost entirely, don’t really know how that happened). If any of this is now not accurate, well - it’s not really relevant for this discussion anyway, but I still apologise. 

The Team Rocket trio, James especially, is, pretty queer-coded. This is not unusual for villainous characters in children’s media before the 2010s, so much so that I would guess that a lot of the time it wasn’t even being done deliberately - it was just that common a trope that it was all but expected your show would have at least one flamboyantly effeminate, villainous bloke. And James - especially early James - has no qualms about showing his feminine side:

Notice that Jessie adopts masculine attire to match - she doesn’t always do this, but I like that they have her at least do it sometimes. 

Team Rocket’s disguises became less and less likely to involve cross dressing as the show went on, but it’s one of the things best remembered about them. James also has a strong association with roses, and possesses several other feminine mannerisms. Arguably he’s far more downplayed than most other villains of the type (even more so than others present in Pokemon - Harley’s a great example, who was also, coincidentally, played by Andrew Rannells), but it’s present. And while yes, obviously in real life none of those things should be taken as definitive indication of a person’s orientation, and straight men are perfectly capable of twirling around in pretty dresses - in fact, I fully endorse it - this is fiction. Specifically fiction from the early 2000s. And in fiction, certain things are intended as visual cues and shorthand.

So I really, really doubt we were supposed to think James is entirely straight (I personally have always thought that he’s actually bi, but I’m not opposed to alternatives). You could make the case, but like. Come on.

But how is this different from musical!James? And how is this different than any other villain like him? Very simple. Anime!James has depth.

Not a tremendous amount. It’s a children’s cartoon made to cash in on a popular video game. But he, and Jessie and Meowth, are among the most well-rounded characters in the show’s cast, in a way that’s actually very relatable. It helps that they aren’t actually very villainous people most of the time. I know so many people who grew up with the show that loved, rooted for, and identified with them over the actual protagonists, by a mile. Myself included - I can remember two separate James-centered episodes that made me cry as a kid.

And these three are particularly beloved by young LGBT adults. We know from their backstories that they all came from rough circumstances - Jessie desperately poor and struggling to get anywhere or be recognised, Meowth having changed a fundamental part of himself in attempt to gain love and instead being ostracised for it, and James running away from an abusive household. They’re three people (/Pokemon) who felt alone in the world, that have now found each other. And whether you view Jessie and James’s relationship as romantic, friendship, or found family, it’s far more compelling than any other relationship in the show, at least to me. They may be criminals, but it’s not hard to see why some kids - especially the kids who might already feel like they’re just a bit different - would latch on to them. 

Even if you didn’t know James’s backstory, he still has a character. He’s frequently shown to be the most moral of the trio, he has a stronger bond with Pokemon than honestly even Ash - even more of a running gag than his flamboyance is the fact that his pets love him so much that they just wanna hug him all the time, with inevitable slapstick consequences - he has dorky hobbies like bottle cap collecting, and he’s even occasionally shown to be a bit of an environmentalist. Yes he is in many ways a stereotypical camp villain - but he’s also more. And that’s why we love him. 

And I’d bet anything there probably were some little boys who watched the show and saw James and thought ‘that guy’s like me!’. And yeah, that guy is a villain, because god forbid a maybe-gay character also be a good guy. But more than any other character like him that I’ve seen, he’s also always been a person. And considering how most of the other options kids like that had at the time were either one-note villains or nothing (and even now it’s sparse pickings) - that’s valuable.

And then there’s Pokemon Live.

*long, long sigh*

Oh, Pokemon Live. You beautiful disaster. 

What did you do to my boy?

Is there nothing that better encapsulates it than the bit where James asks Giovanni where Mecha MewTwo (...I know) “stands on campaign finance reform, social security and Don’t Ask Don’t Tell”?

First off, I like that James is politically engaged! Good for him! Completely out of character, but still!

And I do find this line incredibly funny, but I want to be very clear about why I find it funny. The line is funny because referencing a real world American discriminatory military policy in a Pokemon musical is just... so completely absurd. It’s super jarring and when I first watched it, I had to pause it so I could stop laughing about the possible implications of Pokemon Don’t Ask Don’t Tell. Is there a Pokemon American military then? Pokemon Democrats and Pokemon Republicans? Pokemon Bill Clinton? POKEMONICA LEWINSKY???

It just raises so many questions.

Also Rannells’s delivery is incredible.

But the thing is, that’s not the joke here, is it? The actual ‘joke’ is ‘HA HA HE’S GAY! HE SAID THAT BECAUSE HE’S GAY!’. Which gets even worse when you think about it and realise that this situation is really just a gay man (I don’t think there’s any doubt about it in this particular incarnation, is there) asking his boss whether or not he thinks people like him should be discriminated against. How is that a joke? (The answer is that it isn’t.)

Which makes it that much more inappropriate for a children’s Pokemon musical, which is sort of, in a dark way, almost funnier. It’s that juxtaposition of something kiddy and cute with something that definitely isn’t. 

But hilarious as I find it, given the chance to I would go back and get rid of that line. I dislike what it implies - that being a gay man is nothing more than a punchline - more than I like the absurdist humour. 

And that’s the whole problem with how they chose to write James for this whole thing. They took a really good example of how you can have this type of villain while also making him a good character, and they turned him into nothing more than a stereotype.

You could say ‘but it’s a much shorter story than a TV show! They wouldn’t have time to make him nuanced!’, to which I would say 1. He doesn’t have to be nuanced, he just has to be slightly more than I’M GAY and 2. There have been 21 Pokemon movies at time of writing, two of which came out before Pokemon Live did. None of them, at least of the ones I’ve seen, committed any character assassinations like this. The first one even had another baffling reference to real world America:

That’s so out of nowhere and silly that I laugh every time I think about it (the Minnesota Vikings are an American football team, if you didn’t know). See, Pokemon Live! It’s possible to do jokes like that which aren’t at the expense of a minority group! Wow!

The anime even has examples of how you can do the gay jokes and make them funny. They are very rare in the show (beyond the humour of James’s personality), but remember the whole Flaming Moltres joke? It’s actually great. It’s a couple of good puns, it’s possibly Rachael Lillis’s best delivery in the whole show, and, just for confirmation, I’ve shown the clip to a few actual gay men in my life, who all said that they think that it’s very funny, and totally non-offensive. The joke is still ‘lol he gay’, but it’s also a neat play on words, it feels very in character for both of them, and it doesn’t have the same malicious, taunt-y feel of the Pokemon Live ‘joke’.

Look, the Pokemon anime is far from perfect. There are lots of moments where you have to grit your teeth and remember when it came out. But it still gave us a really, really wonderful character, and he absolutely deserved better than this.

Do I Still Love Pokemon Live?

Yes.

Even with all of this, it’s still an absolute masterpiece of unintentional hilarity. In some ways, this makes it funnier. Of course, of course, it couldn’t just have terrible costumes and a nonsense plot and really, really bad rapping - of course it’s also kind of offensive. Of course it is. Why wouldn’t it be.

And I would love to talk about all the things I genuinely love about it, and maybe I will one day.

But the thing is, it’s also representative of everything that was wrong with gay-coded characters at the time, something that the show it’s based on came way closer to handling well than most other stuff of its time, no less. And that, as a whole, isn’t funny at all.

So I want to be clear. I love laughing at this show because it’s a weirdly earnest cash-in musical for something that definitely shouldn’t be a musical, with endless bizarre, quotable moments - not because the way it warped this character is actually funny. I love laughing at the character’s lines because they’re absurd choices for a Pokemon musical - not because they’re in any way funny on their own. And I love laughing at the fact that Andrew Rannells was in it because he is so much better than this - not because this is what I think he should be reduced to.

And speaking of, here’s those pictures I promised:

I love one man.

[firesign23]

11/11/11 Meme

Tagged by @luthienebonyx

Favorite OC to Write? I have given Mac from Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries a girlfriend twice, one a researcher at the university and one a childhood friend of Jack, and they are pretty much tied as my favourite OCs. Or possibly Jack’s mother Mairi, who is tiny and Scottish and a force of nature. For Game of Thrones, the only one I’ve really written anything with yet is Lady Adalys, but I suspect she’ll remain a favourite regardless. I... am seeing a bit of a commonality here--unconventional women, three of the four who are queer. Shocking.

Dialogue or descriptions? I’m kind of terrible at both in different ways? But that means I’m also good at both in different ways. I’m more likely to write dialogue/internal thoughts first and add the description afterwards.

Favorite plot twist? In something I’ve written? It’s maybe not a plot TWIST, but the bit of Strange Capers where there’s reasonable evidence that Jack is corrupt is one of my favourite things to write because it was just a series of revelations one after another that the reader knew couldn’t be true, but could see why it felt true to Phryne. And it made what I supposed was the real twist, Phryne trusting him despite evidence, work that much better.

Favorite cliche? Cliche? I’m not really sure. For me, cliches and tropes are interesting for what you do with them, rather than their existence. There are some I’m suckers for, of course, but it’s still dependent on execution. Or maybe my favourite cliche is that found family and love wins. 

Favorite season? I miss Canadian winters, but I think I have to go with autumn. Which is also nicer in Canada, but I’ll take what I can get. I love the coziness, the crispness, the rain and the clear days.  

Writing by hand or on computer/phone? In order: Computer, then by hand or in truly desperate measures by phone. The latter two are more detailed notes than real writing, because I do a lot of self-editing while writing and that’s really difficult with those two. But it lets me get the gist down and then I can layer and edit as I type it up. 

Music while writing? Whenever possible, absolutely. What I specifically listen to is pretty wide-ranging, depending on the story and scene I’m telling; one of the problems with the modern AU I’m picking at is that I haven’t quite figured out the right music. 

Weirdest thing you’ve ever been inspired by? I posted about this a couple of days ago, actually, but I recently had a breakthrough on my WIP via a Dorothy L. Sayers quote. Well, a whole scene really, but this was the bit that reminded me of the scene:

“To know that I can trust you better than myself? What do you think?… But listen, dear—for God’s sake let’s take that word ‘possess’ and put a brick round its neck and drown it. I will not use it or hear it used—not even in the crudest physical sense. It’s meaningless. We can’t possess one another. We can only give and hazard all we have—Shakespeare, as Kirk would say…. I don’t know what’s the matter with me to-night. Something seems to have got off the chain. I’ve said things I didn’t think I could say if I lived to be a hundred—by which time most of them wouldn’t be worth saying.”

Sayers herself isn’t odd, I don’t think, but it came about in really odd way--I was making moodboards and looking for titles for fics I’m not writing anytime soon and Sayers fit THOSE in tone and content, and then this quote came and kicked me in the ass over a problem I’d been fretting over for days.

Biggest no-no for a book? What will immediately make you put the book down if you see it? Terribly written women who lack agency. I’d rather read something that excludes women entirely than subject myself to that crap. But I don’t really read many books that do that, because I’ve gotten very adept at screening before it gets that far. 

What titles grab your attention in bookstores? Titles don’t tend to grab me, really. I was wondering if maybe I could answer this for fanfic, but I realised that I look for fic and books on the same criteria--recommendations, authors I trust, interesting summaries. I do get delighted by a good title--there’s a GoT fic in progress called The Lion, The Wench and the Wardrobe Trailer that makes me smile every time because it’s familiar and informative--but it’s not what gets my attention first.

Can you describe the color purple in one sentence? Yeah, it’s a mix of blue and red. 😂

Tagging: Not sure who has answered this, so sending this further afield: @aurora-australis-tumbles, @whopooh, and @scruggzi

[realisationanddoubt]

The binary: realisations and rants

Can we talk about the gender binary a bit? Of course we can. It’s my blog, we can talk about Naruto or the impossibility of clown cars if I wish. So I’ve been thinking a lot about me after my break up as, I suppose, is normal. Thanks to this I’ve stumbled across an identity crisis I’ve been putting off for years. I’m non-binary and that’s a weird thing to just non-chalantly write down for me. See, I’ve spent years talking about how I don’t really care about gender. As a bisexual, I’ve had the conversation numerous times. As a stereotypically effiminate person I’ve spoken many times about how I’m comfortable in myself acting however I want because the gender stereotypes hold no interest to me. But I’ve never really bothered to delve into why.

It’s taken awhile to come to terms with being non-binary. It’s like coming to terms with my sexuality all over again. As usual, I’ve been presented a choice. The sexuality and identity fairy came to me twice now and happily asked “men or women” and I, in classic me style, didn’t really pay attention to the fact that there was a clear binary choice and only half listening just replied “Oh, no thank you!”

It’s difficult to live in a world defined by binaries and then realise you’re not really interested in participating. When I very first realised I might be non-binary a couple of months back, I got lost in a strange narrative. Do I need to start wearing make up? Should I make myself more androgynous, shave my beard? How do I present as non-binary? Of course the answer (For me) is you don’t. I should have really known that from the start because I had to do the same thing with my bisexuality. It took many years to get from “How do I let everyone know I’m bisexual?” to “I don’t really care who knows what my sexuality is and I have no desire to share that information.” I’ve approached being non-binary much the same. I get that people are proud of their sexuality and identity and seriously, good for them. That must be a nice thing to have. Thing is I’m not particularly proud. Let me see if I can put this into words.

So for me, sexuality and identity are both very matter of fact. I’m not proud of either of those aspects of me but don’t get me wrong, I’m not ashamed. The idea of being proud of either of those things is, for me at least, the same as being proud of having curly hair or brown eyes. Sure, there was some emotional turmoil coming to terms with my sexuality and identity but it’s not like these are things I had to strive and work for. They’re just facts. I don’t really care if people call me he or they. They feels a bit more natural I guess but it doesn’t particulalry bother me being called he. And note, I get called he because I have a beard and a masculine build. When I was a teenager with heavy eyeliner and long flowing hair I got called miss and she a lot and that never particularly bothered me either. I’ve never particualraly felt some kind of rage at being misgendered. I don’t really care that people assume I’m straight (I kind of care in that way of, Jesus dude open your mind and stop making assumptions but not enough that I’ve felt the need to correct anyone.)

Though I wonder how much this is a story I tell myself. Just like it’s difficult telling yourself actually, you’re not any of the traditional genders, telling yourself you don’t really care about presenting and pronouns in a community that’s so fired up about them feels weird. 

“Welcome to the queer community! Would you like to be angry about misrepresntation of your sexuality or your identity?” The queer fairy politely but firmly asks.

“Ah, no thank you, I’ve already eaten.” Josh replies, not really paying attention to the climate or the question.

I even considered whether I’m supposed to change my name. Am I supposed to change my name to something a bit more androgynous? Maybe start calling myself Alex or Frankie or any other name that could be either gender? But I don’t want to. I’m just Josh. I’m a bisexual, non binary mess and Josh is my descriptor. 

Should I care more? Should I be fighting some war against ignorance? Am I somehow doing a disservice by not participating?

Not participating is basically my default. “Here lies Josh, they didn’t participate.”

I kind of make life more difficult for myself by not divulging these things. People have asked me before “Are you gay?” and I just reply “nope!”. Then I get annoyed that people just assume I’m straight despite literally never giving any evidence to the contrary. I guess it’s just a problem with the system. My sexuality and identity are improtant to me but they’re personal. I’m not going to talk about them to work colleagues or friends anymore than I’m going to talk about my kinks. 

“Hey Josh are you gay?” My well meaning but misguided colleague asks.

“Oh no, I’m bisexual, non-binary and I like scratching and biting during sex.”

You really going to just out your kinks like that online huh my dude? It should say enough about me that I feel a swell of anxiety to putting a fairly vanilla kink on a personal blog no one I know will ever read. Do I really want Tumblruser420 to know I like biting in bed? Feels like an overshare. 

This really became a bit of a deep dive into gender identity huh? I guess I’m just going through some stuff. 

Quick tangent, whenever I hear a noise in my house, despite having two cats that are always the cause, I need to check every room just in case. I even check the bathroom which only has one very small window next to the door. Just in case some sneak thief broke in through the plughole I guess. Some S’wit. Some N’wah.

God I’m just going through some Stuff y’know? I worry how much of my outlook might be down to internalised shame and not just non-chalant IDGAF attitude. I haven’t put Non-Binary on my tinder profile. I mean I have but I’ve set it not to show. I don’t know if that’s out of fear of being judged for it or simply because I haven’t come to terms with it myself. To be clear, I definitely haven’t come to terms with it myself yet. I have bisexual on my profile but I guess I’m still kind of ashamed of that.

Is it shame? I guess it’s more fear. Not like a fear for myself or my safety or anything. More a fear of people’s perceptions. It’s not even that I’m scared people will be shitty to me because of it. If that’s the kind of person they are, fuck them. I just don’t want to be “That queer one”. Does that make sense? I kind of hate to term cishet because it only seems to be used as derogatory but I need to use it a sec. I think the main reason I’m happy to just pass as cishet is because then I’m allowed to be a person. The second you’re something different that’s it. That defines you. I get it needs to be a conversation so people stop being ignorant and hateful but at the same time even just the discussion about it feels like it’s pushing me into this definition. Like being bi or being non-binary means I’m a certain kind of person. 

I guess it’s the classic tale of any ism. Racism, sexism, homophobia...ism. I am bisexual. I am non-binary. But I don’t want to be the bisexual. Being defined by something like that, something so out of your control... It feels so... dismissive? I’m not a person anymore. I’m not Josh. I’m a bisexual. I’m non binary. I’m white. I present as a man. All that shit. This is starting to become a rant on the construction of society as a whole and the role of privelege and what that means huh?

I’m creative, emotional, witty. That’s what I’m defined by. That’s who I am. I’m not just some pigeon hole word. Define me by my facets, not my facts.

Realisations are a funny thing. I have a lot of realisations in my life and mostly I like them but this one leaves a sour taste in my mouth. It’s not that I don’t care, that much is apparent after this rant. I’m just so tired of it. I avoid all the discourse and conversations about any kind of identity issues because I’m tired of defending myself. It doesn’t matter where you fall on the spectrum. These kind of labels aren’t useful. They’re just a method of pinning something to someone that says “Can I just hate this person out of hand.” and it’s rife. It’s everywhere and it’s all the same. I don’t care if you’re having a rant about black people or a rant about cishets. It’s all just vicious hate. We live in a world where people are so desperate to have someone to hate because they’re different. Whether that difference is in the majority or the minority it doesn’t matter. Hating all men or all straights or all whites is no different from hating all trans people or all queer people or all black people. Hating all millenials because they’re special snowflakes is no different from hating all boomers because they’re not progressive. It’s just pure hatred because they’re different. Just blanket statements attached to something someone can’t control to give you a reason to say “Oh don’t worry, I’m allowed to hate them”.

Maybe keeping my identity or my sexuality to myself makes me a coward. Fine. I refuse to participate in these wars of hatred. I just want to spend time with my cats, fall in love, help people and laugh. 

As always, as will be written on my gravestone one day, I refuse to participate. To all those people who fight for my ideal world on my behalf, thank you. To all those people on either side, progressive or traditional, just to hate one subset of people, go fuck yourselves. I’ll just be over here, trying to make the dying smile and trying to give people a little longer in this world to spend with the people they love.

That’s it. Rant over. I’m going to try and get another hour or two of sleep before work. I know it’s customary to drop the mic after a big speech but know if it felt like I did, I just fumbled putting it back into the mic stand and I’m trying to own it. If you look closely you’ll see that the blood has drained from my face and perspiration is clear on my forehead.

[skinfeeler]

meandering diary post, or the melancholic tale of my 24-hour completely onesided romance in the context of the human condition

[[MORE]]

i've been a member of a student organisation for queer people for about half a year now. this means that i hadn't attended an introductory period yet — once an academic year, at the start of it — but that i knew basically everyone who organised it.

after a few days of miscellaneous activities that were mostly 'okay' (minus a drunk fall of my bike at some point) i knew a couple more people. still, it was nothing like the summer camp at the end of it.

the first 90% of the journey was by train. i shared four seats facing each other with three other people, including a girl who was slightly taller and a bit older than me. she had brought a wine bottle and so it happened that the four of us already started drinking at about 15, not even at the camp yet.

we got along though— especially this girl and i. we talked a bunch about the kinds of exercise/sports we like. she was my second round that day in explaining the rules of roller derby, i can do it in about 20 seconds now with the help of the images from the 'basics' section of this article: http://mtlrollerderby.com/the-rules-of-roller-derby/?lang=en w

e also talked about gender a bit. it went all right. we had a later conversation in our bunk that day where we really bonded, about trauma too and all that stuff.

"we have a bond, i think."

that was later though, for now i was still on my way. at some point i turned inwards as i sometimes do and during one of the transfers while outside she pulled me away and asked me if i was all right. i explained that i just have a few issues and that sometimes they played up. she gave me the big scarf she was wearing and told me to put it over my head and narrow my field of vision that way, just kind of hide in it. that that's what she does when she's not well. that was nice of her.

we missed the train-bus connection because we went to the supermarket of the small remote village to buy more wine, but we got picked up by a second bus a bit later.

once at the place i changed into a sexier outfit and instantly felt more confident. this was immediately crushed once people started making (completely benign) jokes about std tests. i started thinking about my own test and the rape that happened before it and just went sit somewhere with a beer bottle to be sad. one of the people who i knew was an organiser but didn't personally know asked me if i was all right and i stood up and tried to ask if we could go outside for a bit, but didn't manage to speak because i was already crying. fortunately he understood the cue. i told him about that i got triggered and he made sure to make it clear to me that the committee would do its best to look after me if i allowed him to tell that sometimes i get like this, with them not having to know what exactly. i took him up on the offer, and it helped that subsequently an organiser would occasionally come to me when i lost my vibe, which was quite often.

but in that moment just knowing people actually take it seriously was enough, and i told him that the best thing now would probably just be to rejoin the party and chug my beer, and so we returned inside and so i did.

a while later i lost a good portion of my energy again. in a fateful moment, i decided to go back to my room which i shared with others. my new friend was talking about speed with another girl, who ended up giving it to us.

"i'm done with this crap. you can have it if you want to."

i don't have the required associations to procure anything like this myself, so i thought i'd not pass up on the opportunity.

the four of us went back downstairs.

first i was cold, tired, and dull. now i possessed immense warmth, energy, and clarity, almost immediately.

i asked my friend if this is about what i should be feeling. she told me it was, but also immediately switched to her more caring tone and that i should be careful.

"if you ever want to try something, you can always do it at my place."

sounds like a fucked up bid to get me in a vulnerable situation, but given the context and her general conduct i am certain she really was just caring about me in a slightly dark way.

there were drinking games that we played in teams, in most of them chugging alcohol fast combined with skills of physical dexterity was determinant. in my current state, i was absurdly good at both on top of my usual degree of mastery and won us the tournament. it was nice to get cheered on lots— it was cool to be in a parallel dimension where suddenly the skills i had were brought up a number of times in the days after.

i had a great night. i hadn't been (that) happy in months. every moment my body was bursting with energy. i love dancing, and i especially love dancing when weird fellow mental cases who have taken it upon themselves for reasons i don't understand grasp both my hands, pull me in, and keep me very close to them. later we sat on a couch and i leaned against her and it was very nice. every time i asked her if she was uncomfortable she pet my head for a bit, so obviously i was instantly in love.

alcohol disables your mental safeguards and this can backfire. cigarettes just make you slow. speed simply solved every problem instantly.

we danced until 0400. after that we were offered a joint by someone and we passed that around in a circle so we could sleep better. it worked very well, but by the time we went to bed, it was simply almost time to get up, and they don't fuck around with schedule at student camps.

i woke up in agony because the day before i went on camp i had a really intense derby training, and when i dance, i really love to bring my hips into it. everything between my waist and knees was searing, burning, i had to stretch and massage until i took the edge off enough that i could convince myself that i wasn't injured. the night before i hadn't felt anything at all. obviously i was also more hungover than ever before, but like, whatever. because i value a varied diet and a rigorous exercise routine, i decided to take it easy from thereon, only start drinking in the evening, et cetera. i was already going to skip sunday training for this, and additionally there are a few resistance training goals that i want to meet in the near future.

these three felt otherwise. they would go on to drink all day. it was very difficult to talk to any of them, although they seemed to be having fun though. i was kind of bothered that i couldn't talk to this girl meaningfully at all anymore at some point, so during that day and the last day of camp i kind of stopped feeling something for her entirely, which was very odd, completely unlike how it usually goes for me.

we played some games, including a quiz. my team won the quiz, but not the other game.

that night most of my acquaintances were absent for the first part. the sweet autistic metalhead i met earlier had gone to her one-person bedroom to decompress, the three from the start were apparently on a walk that i couldn't safely participate in, the others were fuck knows where. i was in a really, really bad mood. i knew that speed would solve all my problems, allow me to join the dance party going on. instead i wasted away on a couch for a while.

then there was dinner, and then an awards show. two games won (the beer game counted) meant i was called in front twice and won a shot of hard liquor as a price, thus twice in a row. very convenient for my fealty to fitness, but at least nice.

afterwards, a number of friends were periodically back on the dance floor in shifts, and the shots were doing their job. the nice thing about shots is that they mean you don't constantly have to piss as with beer, so they made a nice base for the rest of my consumption that night.

i found my new favorite pop song dancing with the girl who i have a particular unbreakable fealty to— that resultant from me breaking down in her arms about a girl not liking me back earlier that year lol

that girl would eventually do some things to me that would present one of the main causes of me at times completely turning inwards and become unable to talk to people, simply looking on and knowing my humanity has been taken away from me by many people.

but right there, dancing, knowing i was surrounded by people who care about me even if i am nothing like then, i was doing just fine, despite having quietly had a mental breakdown on that couch where everything at once played up.

eventually the music selection turned to shit and i decided to do the smart thing and have six hours of sleep instead of two. some sweet angels made sure to coax me into drinking lots of water.

"you'll be grateful in the morning."

a decent night, minus the transmisogynist components of some sketch one of the members of the previous committee did. i'll talk to her about it soon and i'm confident she'll understand how it was hurtful— i had a drunk conversation with two other girls in the restroom about it and they were fully behind me and encouraged me to do this.

the next morning almost everyone was still drinking, despite the fact that most of the day we would just spend in a bus bringing us back from the middle of nowhere.

at some point i sat down on a couch and for the first time in days, took out my ear buds and listened to some music i like.

it was cathartic and i had a particular kind of realisation.

i had spent an entire alcohol getting fucked up to music i could only tolerate there and then, under bright lights and with accompanying alcohol. drinking the kind of alcohol i don't like drinking because it's what was available, hanging out mostly with people with whom i have very little in common. in general, kind of losing myself.

i knew what i needed to do, what i can do soon. all i need to do is get out of this house to a better place, get my painting station set up, keep being involved in the roller derby, and maybe somewhere along the lines i would figure stuff out for myself.

of course, there are certain social circumstances that need to happen to me too, but i certainly can't do that while inert.

i had skipped the derby's general member's meeting on friday. it was the only one of the year, and i really wanted to attend. they were discussing attendance policies, and i feel i could've really learned a lot about the members of the league from that. debates about derby as its own reward and assuming the inherent joy of cooperation versus a dedication to structured sustained development and competitivity, or any of the ways one could frame that.

i had missed a training, when i had immediate short-term goals that i could have fulfilled that training.

the other rookies like me, and so does the trainer. not because of my ability to chug alcohol really fast — although i intend to impress them at the party we apparently have soon — but because of my dedictation, fervor, and general attitude.

maybe there is a common source to the fact that i can dance better than i can talk and that i feel i'm more meaningfully together with people when i'm on wheels than when i'm not, generally speaking at least.

it feels like there's a rift between me and the rest of humanity, but a little less on the track than most other places.

but then speed also helps.

it helps everything. it makes me feel happy.

but i know i can't actually take this as often as i would need without fucking myself up. still, on our way back, alienated and exhausted, i was constantly craving it.

when we got out of the bus and a people hugged me goodbye, i did meditate for a bit on the fact that i did create many new bonds. maybe i'll get more out of them than i felt by the last day, but it's complicated.

and now i'm at friends who fed me and gave me weed to finally fucking calm down. it's all right.

i miss my friends in london who i feel separated from only by distance.

[aroworlds]

@aromantic-official: Pride Week One, Aromantic Identity

It’s still the first week! We’ll just ignore that I’m posting this on Saturday, okay?

How did you realize you were aro/arospec? How long have you known?

It’s been a few years now, although I’m not sure on precisely how long, since I realised it at a time when I was too ill for blogging, so there’s no internet record of my realising it. I don’t even remember when I happened across it, as my memories of that period (thanks, clinical depression and dissociation) have more holes than Swiss cheese. I have this vague sense there was a lightbulb or eureka! moment after reading something online, but it wasn’t until long after that I put it into words or labelled myself that way.

There wasn’t much conversation outside asexual spaces on being aromantic as separate from asexual until relatively recently, and as someone who didn’t feel myself to be asexual at the time, I didn’t know this was a thing I could be. (I’ve decided since I’m abrosexual, shifting between pansexual, greysexual and asexual.) I had asexual and aro-ace friends and I still didn’t know I could be aro without being ace! For years I was writing so many posts in frustration about how my pansexual and agender/trans identities were only framed in media by romance narratives. I was dreaming of starting a LGBTQIA+ genre fiction press that published non-romantic pieces (it was one of my stated goals in doing my writing course, actually). I was tired and frustrated and alienated by an amatonormative, alloromantic world, and everything I said and wrote was just waiting for the word “aromantic” to identify it.

Have you come out to anyone? Share a coming out story (coming out to yourself also counts)!

I’m out online, everywhere. I’m out to offline friends, but I think they all know me online, or at least enough of me that there was no real coming-out process I had to deal with. I’m not out to my family, oddly enough--or at least I don’t know if they know I am aro, because as a writer, they could easily have jumped on my website and read all about me. My relationship with my family is not the best, and I’ve got a lot of reasons for not trusting them, so I don’t tend to gift them with personal information given how they’ve used it against me in the past. Likewise, if they know things about me, they don’t come forward with it, so it’s this complicated, silent mess.

For being aro, I don’t have any good coming out stories. My writing tends to signal my aromanticism before I have to, be it in my profile, discussion posts on my personal blog or in promoting this blog. For being otherwise LGBTQIA+, most of them are pretty awful, so I’ll stick quite happily with being the kind of person online who doesn’t have to come out.

Sometimes I feel cowardly, for being this person who is so out I’ll never find my way back to Narnia, yet still being so cagey (words like “queer” are useful to me for their lack of specificity) with my relatives. My reasons are good, and my safety matters, but being in the closet, even partially, is a crushing weight. I wish society understood that, how much being in the closet damages you, because it is so tiring to have to talk around my aromanticism with comments like “I don’t like romance much”. I wish I felt safe enough to be completely out.

How/Why is your aromanticism important to you/your identity?

I don’t have a whole identity in the sense of many pieces fitting together to form me; I have more segregated sense of identities that I switch between, although they definitely colour each other (look at the way I can’t not talk about autism here). There are definitely identities more important to me than others, though--autism, agender/trans and aromanticism are definitely the top three identities that come closest to my feeling a sense of me.

I am other things--physically disabled and mentally ill, abuse survivor, abrosexual--but I just happen to be or experience them. Autism, agender/trans and aromanticism are who I am. They’re the words that make sense of who I am in the world and why I feel the way I do. They’re the pillars on which everything else rests, and recognising each one was profound, a relief, so wonderfully sense-making and defining.

What are some misconceptions about aromanticism that bother you?

All the “aros don’t love” and “aros are heartless” nonsense cuts me twice because it draws from a well of rendering aro-specs too inhuman to be allowed, but it does so because we’ve been taught certain behaviours about love and connection, commonly associated with neurodevelopmental disabilities, mental illnesses and abuse survival, are wrong ways to be. As someone who is all of those things and aromantic, it puts me in an untenable situation: I come across as that touch-averse, heartless, love-doesn’t-describe-how-I-feel-about-people, alienated-from-people aro stereotype from a combination of autism and abuse/assault. I see my experiences used to erase or deny me as an aromantic but simultaneously rejected by my own community in their fight against these hurtful assumptions/stereotypes.

The blame for this is squarely on the people who hold these beliefs and use them as a weapon against us, but it is so difficult to experience this sense that I am a monstrous example of everything an aromantic should never be, that I damage my own community just by existing, that my community is fighting back against stereotypes that harm us by rejecting me. Where do I go then, when the autistic community is fighting back against the “autistics don’t love” stereotype by the amatonormativity of insisting on our ability to love romantically? Where do I go as an autistic, mentally ill aro?

Ableism shapes aromisia so very often, and the two twined together as they are hurt me in ways I struggle to describe.

What’s something you like about being aro/arospec? Something you dislike?

I have this profound contentment with this word, this identity, this experience. For me, it’s liberation: I don’t have to shove myself into a box that never fit me. I can just be me. I love not feeling romantic attraction, I love writing aro-spec characters, I love questioning and exploring what constitutes a happy ending, I love the discussions about non-romantic relationships and connections with other people, I love the art other aro-specs are making, I love the way aro-specs are coming together to support each other. I love being aro. There is no way I’d choose not to be aro, just like I’d never choose to have a gender or be allistic.

Everything I dislike is steeped in amatonormativity or aromisia/aro antagonism, not the experience of being aro. I hate, profoundly, how writing characters who are aro like me makes it that much harder to find a supportive and encouraging audience. I hate the lack of categories and visible tags for aro-spec writing. I hate the way gen/low romance/no romance works are seen as childish or uninteresting. I hate the way aro folks are unquestioned targets for hate because nobody wants to listen to us talk for long enough to understand.

I hate how amatonormativity impacts me as a creative so much I made this blog.