#like i look androgynous to myself but in such a frustrating not quite there way!! this may also be the dysmorphia speaking tho bc like i lo

[shloppyshtyle]

grrr wanting impossible contradictory things for transitioning sucks why the fuck are we investing in stupid generative AI bullshit we should be giving me a flat chest that's still booby in a guy way. i still want tits but in the way men have tits. GRRRRR AND WHILE WE'RE AT IT WE SHOULD GIVE ME FANGS AND A TAIL AND INTERCHANGEABLE GENITALIA.

[oftachancer]

It’s so important to see people acknowledging publicly the spectrum of gender. Labels are so tricky, aren’t they? On the one hand, growing up without the advent of gender labels outside of the binary, I spent a long time ignoring parts of myself, or thinking that something was wrong with me bc I didn’t see anyone like me in the world. I tried to fit into the boxes that weren’t my shape.

That’s the wonderful thing about label expansion - there are options. There is the notion that something exists outside of what has been widely acknowledged. That gives people the creative room to look for words to define what they experience and by giving it a name, give it a voice and a reality. That is amazing.

When I was in high school, there was a little quip that went around my GSA (Gay Straight Alliance) - “straight people are bi, bi people are gay, gay people are right”. In the 90s, that was forward thinking. But as someone who was attracted to a broad spectrum of people, even as my friends grinned and said it as a matter of solidarity and lifting up, I felt sidelined. I’d had crushes on men, women, and androgynous people since I’d been a kid. It wasn’t a matter of disregarding their genders or not seeing them, it wasn’t what has come to be known as ‘demi’, it was just a wider selection of specific things that appealed to me. But even among the people who were supposedly my support network, I wasn’t quite allowed to fit. I wasn’t gay enough or straight enough. I wasn’t butch (except when I was) and I wasn’t femme (except when I was). I was ‘the guy in the relationship’, but I wasn’t allowed to be the guy in the rest of my life.

When ‘bi’ actually started gaining traction and acknowledgement, that was exciting for me. Genuinely exciting. It felt like someone turning to me and saying ‘yes, you do actually belong; yes, we see you’. And even that, from the beginning, wasn’t quite right, but you work with what you have. When the corsets of gender identity started to loosen, I actually felt my fingers tingle. It was like my blood was actually reaching all the parts of me, like I was breathing for the first time. It was a heady experience, like being oxygen drunk. But it was internal. I wasn’t a butterfly trying to break out of a chrysalis. I still didn’t quite fit. I didn’t want to change my body; even if it and I weren’t always in perfect alignment, we got along okay for the most part. I wasn’t trans, but I knew what it was like to look in the mirror and stare at parts of yourself wondering why you couldn’t just trade them out like clothes. I told my cycling gender dysphoria- just as I had told myself with my outside the box sexuality - that as long as I was being authentic to who I was, then it didn’t matter what people thought when they saw me or how they chose to understand who I was. And at that time, I was an industry and a culture where there were certain expectations that needed to be met for any measure of success. Only there’s only so much authentic you can be, when just by existing within a culture, you’re being shaped by it.

If there had been words then as there are now, maybe it would have been different for me. I don’t know. If there had been options on forms for ‘non-binary’ instead of ‘male’ and ‘female’, maybe I would have found a voice above a whisper and a way of living my life off the page. But there wasn’t and I’ve never pretended to be brave, so instead I wrote about people and worlds where it was safe to be as I felt. I lived vicariously through language- which is ironic, I suppose, since part of the reason I did was because language was failing me in my reality.

Which leads me to the frustrating part of label expansion: as we create these words to acknowledge individual experiences, we are also trying to box people in again. We redefine new words, trying to ‘get them right’. ‘Bi’ was set to the side for not including non-binary and trans-genders, to be replaced by ‘pan’ which was supposed to create inclusivity. But instead, it’s been redefined now to mean that pan people ‘don’t see gender’ while ‘omni’ people do. Now, I feel like we’re getting into the weeds a bit. Maybe I’m tired of having to trade out my name tags. 😅 Because there’s labeling to give people a voice and then there’s labeling to separate people, and I feel like we’re starting to tip into that ‘because we’re different’ arena instead of ‘because we’re the same’.

People love. That’s the message, isn’t it? People love different people in different ways. People love themselves in different ways. People experience the world in different ways, see from different perspectives, and create a kaleidoscopic reality where beautiful fractals occur in the spaces between.

Anywho. That’s my little Pride thinkabout (like a walkabout in my brain). Be well. Be kind. Happy Pride.

The makes me so happy. It's never to late to come out or express your identity.

[unlimited-nobu-works]

Happy new year!

As many of you who have seen my posts know, this blog is sometimes a place for me to vent and share some thoughts I feel like telling someone but can’t, because I’m not the kind of person who shares these things with friends or approaches them to unload myself.

Well, first of all, this year has been lovely for me, even though I’ve complained all the time about many things. But I guess that’s normal. I’ve learned so many things, completed a lot of projects that turned out well, discovered that my camera can do a lot of things, I started getting into lithography which turned out to be quite interesting and my self-esteem has improve, at least a little. The fact that I’ve started sharing the photos I take here is proof of that. It’s a big deal for me because I’m the type of person who thinks what I do in my free time is very personal. And as the good introvert that I am, I prefer to keep it to myself and only share it face-to-face with someone I deeply trust, like my parents or my very few friends.

Another thing is that I’ve stopped being as harsh on my own work as I used to be. I used to think, Oh, this might be wrong, or the professor won’t like it, and that would paralyze my progress. Now, I’m a bit bolder in letting my university projects reflect myself in some way, and it’s made working on them much easier. When I do that, I feel more excited to finish them, and I’ve noticed some professors actually appreciate that kind of thing. That’s one of the perks of studying art, there are always quirky professors, like you.

The result of all this is that my GPA improved significantly this year. I’ve never had grades this good in my life. I didn’t expect it to feel so rewarding. I’ve always been someone who aimed for just average grades to get by, so it was satisfying to see the other side of the coin.

Now for the bad stuff: I NEED MONEY, but that's a problem for tomorrow me. Most of my projects were technically "group" projects, but in the credits, I always ended up as the director, writer, and editor. I worked so much it felt like I only attract incompetent people. Sadly, I’m the kind of person who just swallows the frustration and takes on more work than I should, I just want to deliver something good.

There were people overthinking every step of an audiovisual project, people scared of using a camera, people who do not know how to use a camera (there were people who did not know how to read a histogram?????? dude u been here for 2 years), people constantly needing validation and thinking everything they did was wrong. I used to be like that, but at least I would overthink how to fix something I thought was wrong and do something about it (The projects where I did this I was alone tho). Then there were irresponsible people, lazy people, liars... The usual university ecosystem, I guess. Maybe that’s one of the reasons I don’t want to be friends with anyone at university.

Another thing that’s been bothering me is my weight gain. This wouldn’t have bothered me a few months ago, but lately, I’ve wanted to look more androgynous, and gaining weight makes me look more masculine. I want to buy clothes I like, but I can’t because my weight keeps going up and down. Right now, I’ve gained weight and can’t wear a lot of my clothes anymore. But I think this is the easiest issue to solve (or at least I think so).

This year, I also made it a goal to explore music genres I usually don’t listen to, and it went well or maybe I just chose the right genre. Personally, I don’t know what "good music" is. I grew up listening to osu! beatmaps and my sister's playlist that was all blink-182 and Miranda. I don’t know music theory or what artists people think are a must-know, and honestly, I don’t care.

The genre I started listening to is punk, which had never caught my attention until one day, my radio group decided to do a punk podcast so I had to do a research. I liked it. It’s about young people coming together to make songs about hating the government, their ex, or random stuff like being kicked by a horse, all without knowing how to play instruments or understanding music theory or standards. It’s just raw feelings turned into music. It reminds me of that M.O.T.O. song I Think We’ve Got the Sound and yeah, they had it, well, some of them did. Others do sound bad.

Punk is a counter-culture movement that covers many things more than just a genre. Some of the electronic projects I listen to, those with genres invented by the Internet and aimed at being disruptive, could fit under the punk definition because of their essence. For example, "HexD trance," a genre I enjoy, could be perfectly a punky genre.

In short, I empathized a lot with punk during my research because I’m someone who enjoys seeing others have fun doing what they love, regardless of whether it’s "good" or meets other people’s standards also I love my music fast and dumb as me. Someday, I’ll share my playlist once I stop constantly adding and removing songs. I listened to more than just punk but it is the one I enjoyed the most.

Another thing about music, I used to do a “Soulseeking Sundays” tag, where I’d post a random song I downloaded every Sunday. I stopped because I was scared of losing the blog due to Copyright stuff. Even though the music I posted wasn’t popular, it could still happen. That habit helped me build a collection of FLACs and MP3s files that I now use for projects.

As for games, I don’t know much, honestly. I’ve been in a continuous JOMO, happily playing the same things I always do, with the addition of Zenless. I like its characters, which is why I keep playing and sometimes post about it. This Corin girl is so me... I love her.

I wanted to talk about Fate. Fate has been in a coma for me since Agartha. I haven’t read any logs after that part, so I don’t know anything about Lostbelt. I only follow some events, mainly the Gudaguda ones. I’m thinking of catching up, especially now that I’m studying to write my own stories. Maybe I’ll see things differently. I even considered rereading from the beginning to see if my opinions of Arc 1 change. I still think America is one of my favorite parts because of how silly and absurd it is. Idk I just enjoy goofy things and I loved the America characters. This means I'll probably post Fate in the future. Script classes have changed the way I read stories, in a good way. I could go on about this topic, but it would probably take forever.

I’ve also been opening up more to my friends. At least one of them knows I cry a lot over fiction. I don't look like someone who cries much, but yeah, I’m a crybaby (I'm crying while writing this). I even opened up to an old friend about my experience working on audiovisual projects and how they changed my perspective after making them myself. I also admitted that I’m someone who prioritizes my emotions over rational thinking (he’s the opposite, so you can imagine how hard it was to say that). Sometimes, I wish they knew more about me. I treasure them with all my heart and would give my life for them, even though I don’t talk to them much. They don’t know how much I love them.

Anyway, I think I’ve written enough. It’s already New Year’s. I’ve been writing this since last year. I just wanted to say it was a good year. I hadn’t felt like this in a long time and wanted to share some words, even if they don’t flow perfectly or connect well.

I’ve always said this blog is my safe space where I can share my thoughts despite being a introvert. No one knows me in real life here, and that makes me feel more comfortable than Facebook, where I mostly shitpost. Sure, you’d learn what makes me laugh and my real name there, but nothing about what I like or what I’m thinking. And Twitter, oh yeah the place where I repost Nobu and Tsurugi art, cool place but there's nothing more besides that.

This place feels like my little treehouse full of the things I love and some of my memories. I’ve been a bit lost these past months because of the things I mentioned earlier, overworking on projects, and playing a 20 year old game (I never mentioned Metin2 but that piece of shit game drains your soul, I have a cool guild so it's been a bit enjoyable at least).

I don’t have many followers and mostly of then are inactive accounts from my fate days. But I know there are a few mutuals and followers still around, and even though I don’t interact much beyond notes and the occasional yap on tags, thank you for checking out the dumb stuff I post and for posting your own. Seriously, sometimes I come in here all sad and y'all put a smile on my face with what you post.

Thank you so much for reading this and happy new year!

Daru

ñeñeñe i wrote this on spanish and had to translate it!!!!!!

tldr: i want to kiss you in the lips

why i wrote this?

why not?

ohhhh i have some toughts on gif making too but i will write them later

[violettelueur]

— JUJUTSU KAISEN EPISODE TWENTY ONE || JUJUTSU KOSHIEN

↳ featuring : basically everyone at this point from jujutsu kaisen

↳ warnings : mention of violence + mention of injuries + EXTREME grammar issues

↳ form : story

↳ published : 20 april

↳ pronouns : she/her

↳ word count : 4.4k

↳ synopsis : within the jujutsu world, there were three famous clans to be aware of, the Kamo clan, Zenin clan and the Gojo clan. However, unknown to many sorcerers there was one last family that was known to be apart of the three, only for them to disappear after the golden era leading some to speculate that they had died in battle after the sealing of ryomen sukuna, but....

↳ previous episode : nonstandard 

↳ next episode : jamais vu

↳ barista’s notes : let me admit, i ain’t confident in this chapter since i started school again, but i hope you enjoy this episode and thank you for being so patient with me as i try to fit tumblr into my schedule with school ʕ ꈍᴥꈍʔ

BEFORE READING, I NEED YOU TO BE AWARE OF THIS:

1. the whole story belongs to Gege Akutami and the credits go to them and them only.

2. the spell curses used belong to Tite Kubo due to them being the ‘Kidos’ being used on the manga and anime ‘Bleach’ - but none is mentioned in this chapter.

2.5. for the ‘cursed spells’/kidos (bleach) i will link this video here and tell you the time stamp to check out what i am intending to show - remember i add a few twist here and there by adding the katana to link with Y/N’s cursed technique : hopefully this video is slightly better...

Destructive Curse Spell Number Thirty-Three : Sokatsui (6:00-6:07) (blue lighting explosion - Itadori Yuji)

3. if you are confused on anything, please don’t hesitate to message me since i know this whole thing is so confusing.

this is Y/N outfit when she came into the baseball game (blame twitter)

“How much longer are you going to stare at her? It’s creepy”

Snapping out of his daze, Gojo quickly looked up from your sleeping figure to find his stoic student (who was now sitting up) looking at him with a deadpan expression before he turned to look at your sleeping figure as well with somewhat of a worried expression, wondering what caused you to be knocked out since what Fushiguro could recall was that the last time he saw you, it seemed like you were well and confident before he was carried away by Panda.

“Is it bad to worry about my daughter?” Gojo questioned with a hint of a teasing tone before looking back down at you with his small smiling turning into a straight line.

“Student to be exact, but I guess not after what the curses were after,” Fushiguro quietly mentioned causing Gojo to once again, look up to view Fushiguro with a confused expression painted on his face, trying to convey that he didn’t have a clue on what his student was trying to say. “The special-grade was after L/N...but I don’t know why,” Fushiguro instantly declared as if he was answering to his teacher’s perplexed expression leading to Gojo sighing in frustration before taking one of his hands out of his pocket to stroke your hair as if it would bring you some comfort in your dreamless slumber as he then processed to remove his other hand from his other pocket to reveal a carton of orange juice before placing it on the bedside table.

“Is that so?” Gojo asked rhetorically, before making his way towards the door since he was informed that there was going to be a meeting with the Jujutsu Tech principles and sorcerers that were involved with the whole Exchange Event incident.

However, before he was able to grab onto the handle, the wooden door violently flew open showcasing his other students Itadori and Kugisaki on the other side with a box of pizza in hand leading Gojo to smile at them both.

“Oh Gojo-sensei! What are you doing here?” Itadori asked once he comprehended that it was his teacher blocking the way to see his two other classmates.

“Ah~ I was just visiting Megumi and Y/N before I go, make sure to not make too much noise, I’m sure Y/n would really appreciate it,” Gojo answered with a cheerful tone, leading Kugisaki to tilt her head to the side to realise that you were sleeping - much to her disappointment.

“She’s still recovering?” Kugisaki then questioned, leading her teacher to look at her before explaining that you were knocked out due to using an excessive amount of cursed energy within a short amount of time causing Kugisaki to nod to his little lie since he didn’t even know why you were extremely distraught when he came to collect you.

“I’ll be going now, so see you later~ don’t wake up my precious daughter!” Gojo states with a playful tone, before waving his hand to all of the first-years leaving them to themselves with a warm box of pizza in hand.

                                                 ꕥ

“Next up are the casualties: three second-grade sorcerers, one semi first-grade sorcerer, five assistant supervisors, and two cursed storehouse guards. They’re all sorcerers who were standing by at Jujutsu High and working separately from Gojo-san and Principal Yaga. We’re waiting on the report from Ieiri-san, but we’re nearly certain it was the work of the cursed spirit that Nanami-san encountered before,” Ijichi explained as he was looking down at the document sheets he had in hand to inform all the sorcerer that was in front of him about the situation at hand.

“Tsk,” Gojo tutted in annoyance while leaning against the door with his lower face tucked into the collar of his sorcerer uniform.

“Do you think we should share this information with the students and the other sorcerers?” Utahime asked as she turned to her colleagues.

“No,” the Kyoto principal: Gakuganji quickly answered, as the fellow principal from Tokyo: Yaga explained that it was better for this information to be among the higher-ups as he didn’t want to cause anymore panic to the students residing in the area right now as well as not wanting any of the curse users in their captivity to know that a few special-grade objects that been stolen from the school premises.

“Has the curse user we captured spilled anything?” principal Yaga queried, leading Ijichi to explain that it wasn’t hard to get the certain curse user to talk at all since he was quite cooperative but all they managed to receive was irrelevant information that was deemed somewhat unhelpful to them.

“However, he claims that he only participated in the attack because he was ordered to as part of a deal,” Ijicji added, before informing everyone about the monk that the curse user was talking about when he was interrogated.

“An androgynous monk kid with a bob cut? That ring any bells?” MeiMei asked, as she turned her head slightly to peer at Gojo, who was right behind her.

“Nope! We sure he’s not spouting bullshit? Is there any sorcerer skilled at getting confessions?” Gojo answered before asking his questions since he knew he couldn’t be too sure if the curse user was even telling the truth in the first place.

“How did a cursed spirit and outsiders get through Tengen-sama’s barriers in the first place?” Utahime questioned, as she was still confused on how so many people were able to get in without any problems and alerts.

“That was probably the work of the special-grade cursed spirit the students fought, that one has a unique presence. Even though it’s a cursed spirit, it’s incredibly close to a natural spirit. According to Aoi, it was able to hide among plants and was quite burnt from a few techniques like wood would be, and Tengen-sama’s barrier doesn’t function against plants. Tengen-sama’s barrier puts all its power into hiding, not protecting, so once you get in, it’s kind of weak,” Gojo answered his colleague with an explanation that led the whole room to turn completely silent for quite some time.

‘Are they worried about Sukuna’s Finger enhancing Yuji’s potential? Or are they trying to enhance themselves? Why would they need Y/N then? Something isn’t sitting right’

“For now, let’s be glad our students are safe,” Utahime mentioned with a calm smile presented on her face as there was one calm and good news that they would celebrate on.

‘Safe? How long until Y/N is going to stay safe? For how long?’

“But it goes without saying that the exchange event is now cancelled,” principal Yaga informed everyone as he turned to look at the fellow Kyoto principal, who was sitting right near him.

“Hold on, that’s not for us to decide, is it?” Gojo asked in a light tone, causing everyone in the room to look at him in confusion since they didn’t know what they meant by it not being their decision.

                                              ꕥ

“When did you start getting along with that gorilla?”

At this moment, Itadori and Kugisaki were sitting next to each side of Fushiguro’s bed, as they were visiting both you and him, while all of them were munching on the pizza (which only had a few slices left) that was currently sitting on top of Fushiguro’s legs.

“Well, we got along, but like...I remember what happened, but I wasn’t exactly myself then…” Itadori answered in complete uncertainty as he didn’t even know the answer himself, causing him to scratch his head in confusion.

“What, were you drunk?” Kugisaki questioned in confusion since she was expecting a confident answer from her classmates.

“You believe I could’ve been drinking liquor in this situation? I’m shocked,” Itadori mentioned before looking down with somewhat of a disappointed look that his owl friend thought of him like that. “But I’m glad you and Y/N weren’t seriously hurt, Fushiguro. You’re able to eat pizza now, too” Itadori stated with a smile on his face as he turned to look at the shikigami user before turning his head to see your still sleeping figure on the bed behind Kugisaki causing her to turn around to check if you had woken up yet.

“Come on, bring me something easier to digest,” Fushiguro replied since he was still recovering but nonetheless, took the food that was given to him.

“No complaining,” Kugisaki answered back before taking another bite of her pizza slice before snatching the box away from Itadori, who was about to grab another slice, due to her wanting to save the last remaining two slices of the cheesy food for you.

“Apparently, I got off easier because my cursed energy was all dried up, Ieiri-san was still able to fix me up as soon as the roots were removed, but I didn’t know Gojo used up so much cursed energy as well, Gojo seemed really worried when he went to Ieiri-san,” Fushiguro explained before turning his head to glance at you.

“Huh, so that’s a thing that can happen?” Itadori questioned.

“You fought against them, didn’t you? Also, did you see the flowers right above us when we were in the veil? They were so pretty!” Kugisaki commented, before looking up as if she was going to answer who was the person was that released the technique.

“Flowers? Oh, you mean the pink ones?! Kugisaki, those were so dangerous, didn’t you see the blue lighting explosion that happened right after?! It literally gave the curse a whole gash across its body!” Itadori exclaimed in shock causing Fushiguro to remember the array of flowers that were hanging in the sky when Panda was carrying him just before he crossed the veil.

“It was so beautiful though, I hope to see them again, I wonder who it was?” Kugisaki questioned before finishing off the last piece of pizza.

“Itadori, you’ve grown stronger. Back then, we both said our convictions were proper ones, I still think that’s true. Or, put another way, we’re both wrong,” Fushiguro mentioned with a low tone, causing both Itadori and Kugisaki to look at him as he was talking.

“Huh?” Itadori uttered in a confused tone, while Kugisaki processed to rest her face on the palm of her hand with a small pout.

“Some questions don’t have answers, you know. You’re thinking too hard, you’ll go bald,” Kugisaki mentioned.

“That’s right. There is no answer, it’s just whether or not you can accept it. But there’s no accepting anything if you can’t have it your way. Weak sorcerers can’t do that,” Fushigurp replied back causing the whole room to go silent as they were beginning to process what Fushiguro had said in his mind.

“So I’m going to become strong, too. I’ll surpass you in no time,” Fushiguro declared as he turned to face Itadori with a look of determination.

“You never change,” Itadori responded with a small light giggle.

“Don’t just move the conversation forward without me, we need to catch up with him and Gojo,” Kugisaki mentioned with annoyance painted on her face.

“That’s my brother’s friends for you!” 

Suddenly, the first-year trio rapidly turned their heads forwards to suddenly discover Todo sitting down right in front of Fushiguro’s bed with a smile on his face as he nodded proudly of the conversation that he had interrupted.

Unexpectedly, Itadori rushed towards the glass sliding door next to your bed and opened it with a loud bang before swiftly sprinting away from Fushiguro’s room as fast as a cheetah, only for Todo to follow behind him yelling out where his brother was going.

“I’m grateful to you, but give me a break!” Itadori screamed, causing Fushiguro and Kugisaki to look at the scene with deadpan shocked faces. However, what they didn’t seem to notice was you softly groaning at the loud noise that was happening right now leading your eyes to slowly open but quickly close due to the bright lighting in the room right now.

Hesitantly, you slower opened your eyes again to see a maroon coloured ceiling before blinking a few times to focus your sight, causing you to gradually sit up on the bed you were laying in as your looked down onto your lap leading your hair to cover your face away from your classmates, who now finally noticed that you had awakened from your slumber.

“Gojo, you’re awake!” Kugisaki announced with a smile on her face, yet that smile slowly disappeared once she noticed how you weren’t answering her at all, but rather you kept silent as your hand began to bring itself to your forehead as if you had a headache.

‘So loud…’

After sitting in silence for a while, you noticed that you were wearing a long white button-up with some black Adidas shorts leading you to wonder who changed you since Kugisaki was the only one to ever see you in your undergarments since she was always the one barging into your changing room to throw more clothing pieces for you to try. However, that was one minor inconvenience to think about right now.

Slowly, you turned your body around (so your back was facing Fushiguro and Kugisaki) before placing your feet down onto the wooden flooring, leading Fushiguro to worry about you falling since you had been asleep for quite some time, yet for some reason, you couldn’t hear him at all.

Steadily, you began to stand up with your hand on the mattress to keep some stability in case you did stumble back before you began to make your way towards the gap of the glass door that Itadori and Todo left through before gently lifting your head up to admire the clear sky from above.

‘It’s warm…’

Casually, your body began to lean on the side of the door to give yourself some support as you began to brisk in some of the light warmth the sun was giving you as if that was enough to bring you the comfort that you wanted right now before noticing how the wind was slowly picking up.

“Gojo, you would really get back in bed, you’re still in the healing process and it’s quite cold,” Kugisaki mentioned as she stood up to come to collect you and guide you back to back. However, for some reason, something was telling her to stop as she noticed how you were not listening to anyone at all - or, you just didn’t hear them as it seemed like your hearing was blocked for any human to human communication.

Instantly, the wind that was picking up suddenly blew out a large gush causing some of the leaves from the trees to violently ruffle from its branches while your hair was now messily blowing in the wind as you leaned against the side closer to maintain your footing before you steadily noticed a few pink petals making their way towards you from your right side causing your eyes to widen in shock.

‘There’s still some more?’

Slowly lifting your hand to the sky, you lightly felt the petal grazed your fingers ever so slightly before they slowly become disintegrated to a flow of cursed energy they were made out of causing Kugisaki to look at them in amazement as she stood by your side, as she realised that more was coming towards you both as if you were a magnet to them leading her to come to an assumption that you were the one that cast the flowers back when she was in the veil with the other students and teachers as she remembered that Gojo mentioned that you had used a lot of cursed energy.

“Pretty…” you softly muttered with a small but disheartened smile, trying to hide the emptiness that your heart now had to endure.

“Right,” Kugisaki answered back as she leaned her body on your side while continuing to admire the small flower show that was happening right now causing you both to not realise that the person behind you had his eyes widened as if he had just remembered something that he had completely forgotten about.

                                              ꕥ

“So anyways, a lot happened and some people died, but how about it? Want to  continue with the exchange event?” Gojo asked all the students who were in the room right now...well all of them minus one.

“Where is Gojo though? Shouldn’t she be here?” Fushiguro asked while standing here the staircase as Kugisaki and Maki began to look around the room to see if you really weren’t here with them causing him to look at Fushiguro, scared about his perspective skills.

“Ah~ about that, she’s moving her stuff from her dorm to my clan’s estate for her safety!” Gojo announced before clapping his hands to the side like he did when you first came into Jujutsu Tech leading everyone in the room to widen their eyes at the news since it was quite unexpected since you seemed like the type to reject the idea since Tengen’s barrier was helping you to be protected - but for you, it was easier for you to hide your family heritage if you weren’t in the dorms much to your dismay.

“I don’t know what to say about it…” Itadori muttered as he was thinking of an answer for both the continuation of the Kyoto Sister Exchange Event as well as your sudden move away from the Jujutsu Tech student dorms.

“Obviously...we continuing it, of course,” Todo declared, causing Itadori to suddenly tense up as he steadily backed up near Gojo to have some coverage and security.

“Your reasons?” Gojo asked as he turned to look at the Kyoto student.

“First, only those with a connection to the dead have the right to mourn them, it’s not our place to butt in there and second, if people have died, that’s all the more reason we need to become stronger, besides if it weren’t for the flower technique back then, we wouldn’t have been able to cause more crucial damage to those cursed spirits. Acquired strength comes from the accumulation of results. Tasting defeat and savouring victory is what leads up to grow, the most important part is for those results to exist,” Todo explained as he became to recall the blue lightning that damaged the special-grade curse to a massive degree which was enough for him to gain the upper ground during his fight leading Gojo to internally smile at the information.

“Todo-senpai’s surprisingly reliable,” Miwa whispered to her classmate Mai.

“Reliably crazy,” Mai answered as she rested her head on her knuckles.

“Third, when a student feels like they weren’t able to bring out their best, it hangs over them until they die,” Todo mentioned with a confident smile.

“How old are you?” Gojo suddenly questioned, as Todo wasn’t even as old as he was and the Kyoto student was already talking about ‘hangs over then until they die’.

“I’m fine with that,” Fushiguro mentioned.

“We’ll win anyway,” Kugisaki stated with confidence.

“It sounds stupid, but he has a point,” Kamo replied with calmness.

“Why don’t you rest, Kamo-kun?” Nishimiya mentioned as she stared at her classmate with a fed-up expression due to the bandages wrapped around his face.

“No objections here,” Panda declared as he was answering for the second years in the Tokyo side.

“Salmon~” Inumaki replied back.

“Will we draw lots for the individual battle pair-ups? I want to see Gojo beat Todo’s ass again,” Maki asked before mentioning you since she wanted to see you in a proper fight rather than the million of practice rounds you had with her causing Kugisaki to smile at the thought as well.

“Huh? There are no individual battles this year,” Gojo unexpectedly announced, causing all of the students from both Tokyo and Kyoto to become extremely perplexed.

“I hate routines, you know. Every year, we put the competition methods in this box and open it on the day of,” Gojo explained before tossing the wooden box to Itadori, who looked up for his permission to take out whatever was in the box which he was granted when the teacher nodded at him.

Reaching into the wooden box, Itadori’s fingers felt one single piece of paper within the box before he carefully took it out to see what was written on it, only for him to blink that the wording in pure confusion.

“Baseball?!” Principal Yaga exclaimed in confusion leading Itadori to suddenly discover that both principals from the Jujutsu Tech schools were peering over his shoulders, causing Gojo to walk out of the building with a pleasant smile on his face.

Once outside, he could hear the commotion from behind as he stretched his arms happily before placing his hands in his pocket as he noticed you were standing in front of him with some distance, while one hand on your hips and the other holding a familiar carton of orange juice that he remembered leaving on the bedside table when you were recovering.

“Going home?” he asked before making his way towards you.

                                              ꕥ

Currently, you were walking towards a certain baseball field after finishing some moving your items to the Gojo clan’s estate with an outfit consisting of a simple white button-up shirt tucked into a long black skirt paired with black heeled ankle boots that you decided to wear for the first time since they had been sitting in the box for quite some time after you had brought them on your last shopping trip with Kugisaki.

From what you could hear from the distance, there seemed to be a lot of shouting going on meaning someone didn’t know the rules of the game or they just been called out and the player wasn’t having it at all.

Opening the metal gate, a few people began to notice you coming into the field leading some of your Tokyo classmates to greet you while a certain black divine dog decided to leave it’s owners side to rush to yours before sitting down in front of you with what seemed to be a happy look on its face causing a small smile tp quickly appear on your face as you began to pat its head.

“Hi there,” you greeted it, causing the dog to bark back at you while its tail continuously thumped the ground as if to express the happiness it had when it saw you.

“Shouldn’t you go back to Fushiguro to play the game?” you questioned it causing it to whine slightly before listening to you as it got up and turned back around to head towards Fushiguro, leading you to look at the side to see if there were any seats for you to sit on.

“Ah, Gojo! Are you going to play baseball with us?” Itadori asked cheerfully, causing you to smile back at him before rejecting the offer.

“You guys already started, so there is no point in my playing, but thank you for the invite,” you stated before quickly taking a seat on the bench behind you as you patted your skirt to stop any creases that were going to appear before spectating the game that was happening in front of you right now.

After a while, you had to admit that watching everyone from Jujutus Tech play baseball was certainly more interesting than the actual official game themselves on the TV screen you see from time to time, while Kugisaki throwing her helmet to the ground after the whole pitching machine incident to everyone being shocked at Momo catching the ball on her broom leading Itadori and Inumaki to shout to Todo being hit by Maki’s pitch leading everyone to encourage her further.

‘What a mess’ you thought with a grateful expression on your face that you weren’t playing in his game for the second day of the Exchange Event.

“Are you okay?” someone suddenly asked, causing you to snap out of your thoughts to look to your right to find Fushiguro looking at you with an unreadable expression on his face. 

Unable to say your answer, you nodded at him before turning back to face yourself forwards as you gradually began to recall some of the events that had happened for the past few days before your head steadily placed itself on the middle of your chest as the empty feeling was somewhat still lingering - like as if something was dragged out of your soul.

‘1000 years ago…’

“Yeah...I’m fine,” you answered slowly as more information began to recall in your mind. From how you were sealed a thousand years ago only for the same sealed to be opened fifteen years ago leading to where you were now...surrounded by people that could potentially either keep you safe or do something that had many outcomes, especially with Sukuna residing within Itadori - with relief he didn’t know anything about your real birth.

‘Should I tell Gojo?’

“Gojo...I wanted to ask...have we met before? Like before we met in Sendai?” Fushiguro questioned you with a stutter causing your eyebrow to crook up in confusion leading Kugisaki, who was next to you to look at you with the same confusion.

“No, we never met before, you drag,” you answered, still perplexed on how he came up with a question with such an obvious answer leading you to lift your hand to flick his forehead for such a stupid question.

“Is that so?” Fushiguro muttered under his breath before looking up in the sky with amazement at how far Itadori had hit the ball with his bat while you and Kugisaki did the same.

‘Tiger of the West Middle...still lives up to that name’

Unexpectedly, you heard a childish giggle leading you to turn your head to find Gojo passing the school principals while using his infinity to keep the ants below his feet safe to which caused you to scoff in amazement at how lacked he was to use his technique all the time.

“Let’s go home Y/N!” Gojo shouted, causing you to look at him with a crooked eyebrow before scoffing once again at his playful behaviour.

“Let’s go home,” you whispered under your breath before everyone in the first year stood by your side and followed you out of the field to have a conversation with you before you left to go back to the Gojo estate.

‘Home huh?’

© violettelueur 2021 : written and published by violettelueur - do not steal or repost

[haymarketvtubestuff]

Harem comedy pitch redux

// Setting: high school. Co-ed but with gender-segregated dorms.

We meet Reon Hasegawa, an androgynous 2nd year who already has some sway in the school. We also meet Reon's best friend, Daiki Murata. Through a number of dialog-free scenes, we observe Reon having few, but close friends while helping the history teacher with various projects we aren't immediately clued in on. Daiki is observed in similar scenes trying to hit on his male classmates and rarely succeeding because of his being an awkward teenager.

We also have an establishing shot of Reon's locker being stuffed with love letters, wishes to confess, and so on. Reon is visibly frustrated. In a dialog with Daiki, Reon says almost quietly, "I need to do something about this." A pause. "Something ... final." The viewer, listening carefully, hears Reon use "ora" only after starting to say "wata-".

We then see a number of students congregating around a school wall, murmuring, and are then treated as to why - plastered on the wall are a large collection of confessional notes and professions of love with identifying marks hidden by a black marker. Written in large print over these notes reads:

IF YOU SEE YOUR LETTER, YOU KNOW WHERE I AM ON WEDNESDAYS. MEET ME THERE TOMORROW. I'LL EXPLAIN EVERYTHING.

The next shot has ten girls of various years coming into a classroom, some visibly offended, others embarrassed, but all curious. From visual clues in prior establishing shots, we see it's the room for the history teacher Reon assists. We also get more context that was intentionally left out about the room's decor - pride flags, LGBT resource books, posters of encouragement for the students, and posters encouraging social justice. We see Reon and Daiki standing next to each other with the history teacher off to the side at his desk. After the girls quiet down from the initial confusion, Reon speaks up, giving off no clue as to what or how the news would be broken.

"Ladies, I (watashi) want to apologize for such a dramatic means of getting your attention, but it was also the best way to prevent your being mocked."

The general mood hasn't changed. Some girls are still upset - "What's the big idea doing it like this?" "Why here?" and so on. Reon signals for the girls to listen.

"Again, I'm sorry. But I needed to tell you all the same thing, so it was better I do it this way and all at once." The viewer is treated to a slight smile on Reon's face as the speech continues. "You see, there's two bits of information about me that might change your tune ..."

Daiki interrupts. "Just tell them, already." Daiki's tone is serious, which is rare for any of them to hear. Reon clears their throat.

"Girls, I have to turn down all of you for the simple reason that I'm straight."

The girls talk among themselves, confused, trying to interpret what that means. "Reon's a guy, right?" "Wouldn't that mean he likes girls if he's straight?"

Reon once again cuts in, quite loudly - "I like guys."

The din ends suddenly. The confusion is still on the faces of all but two girls - a 1st year art club regular, and a 3rd year who has the appearance of a delinquent. Slowly, the math is being added up by the girls, and the viewer can tell that Reon is about to make another comment when the delinquent speaks up.

"So ... what? You're trans or something?"

Reon is visibly annoyed to have her thunder stolen, but nods. She regains her calm demeanor . "Please allow me to properly introduce myself." The pause after his can literally be felt by viewer and character alike. "My school ID says one thing, but my name is Reina, and I use feminine pronouns."

Reina pauses, waiting for the worst, expecting it, even. But the silence is broken by the art club student.

"So you're saying I might have a chance."

The group looks straight at the student trying to understand what that meant.

[notitlesapply]

So I went to the DMV to finalize my paperwork. I had to stand in 3 different lines and wait hours, but I'm all good to go on my license. One small problem though...

The temporary paper license they gave me lists me as my AGAB.

I'm a bit bummed out about it. Maybe even a lot bummed out. It...took a LOT in me to select the nonbinary option. I wrung my hands over it. I'm out to some of my friends, my spouse, one niece, and my mom, but that's it. (I guess I'm out to my kid too, but he's a toddler and doesn't really care about it.) It was easy to tell my spouse. Everyone else? Much harder.

Ugh, no one ever really explains how "coming out" isn't a one time thing. You have to do it over and over. Maybe it is a one and done sorta thing with some people, but for me, I've had to do it several times and it's not easy. Part of me kinda hopes my mom already told my siblings and dad for me (she's a huge gossip sometimes) so I don't have to deal with the talk myself. I don't think she has, considering most of my family hasn't brought it up, and I don't know if I should be glad or not.

Anyway, I felt that putting nonbinary on my license was an important step. First official document with nonbinary on it, ya know? I even double checked the paperwork I filed out. (Or maybe triple, quadruple checked, lol.) But the temp license has the sex on my birth certificate, and I just... don't know how to feel.

I'm upset, but I feel like I shouldn't be. All my other docs have my AGAB on them. I don't look androgynous--physically, I look like my AGAB. (Of course there's no one way to be nonbinary. Looks don't really matter.) No one at work knows I'm nonbinary. None of my siblings do, and neither does my dad. I don't really mind all that much to be referred to as my AGAB. My view on my gender is kinda like "meh?" I prefer if no one saw my gender at all, and if they got it wrong, it wasn't really a big deal, especially since I told so few people. AND it's not like this is my official license. This is just the temp one. I'm hoping the real one has the right marking.

So it shouldn't really matter, right?

I'm still...not sad exactly. Disappointed? Frustrated? All of these words don't feel quite right. It's kinda like that feeling you get when you erase a line in a drawing and the faint mark is still there. It's wrong, but not too much so, and most people won't notice. You'll notice if you look too long, but overall the picture is good, there's just this tiny bit off.

Something like that...it's not exactly an accurate metaphor, but it'll do.

Anyway, this has gotten quite long. Please wish me luck on my official license being right!

I found out I needed to renew my driver's license and went online to fill out some of the paperwork and find out what documents I need to bring. To my surprise, there was an option to list myself as nonbinary. I selected it, and I'm both excited and nervous. Will I get any grief when I go into the DMV office to get my license? I hope not.

Part of me is nervous about labeling myself as nonbinary on an official document. But most of me is like...it feels right.

Anyway, wish me luck!

[thedykeprincess]

So you were disappointed in Throne of Glass...

 (DISCLAIMER: This post does not intend to offend anyone who loves ToG. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions and likes and dislikes and is allowed to express that. This post is meant to share books that have similar qualities to ToG for people who were disappointed in the series, like myself, but anyone who does like ToG can absolutely find great recs here! However, if you don’t want to hear anything ToG critical I recommend skipping over this post. Thank you!)

So last week I finally got rid of all my ToG books. I was mostly relieved that I now have more room on my bookshelf but I also felt a little sad. It was a series I really enjoyed when I first read it two years ago, and on some level it will always have a special place for me. It was one of the many books that got me back into reading after a five year slump, it’s the reason I became friends with the wonderful Nicole (@/rainbowbooktheif on Instagram) who was the first person irl to make me feel less alone as a bookish nerd, and it, unintentionally, helped me hone my critical reading skills. However, I slowly began to care less and less for the story and characters as the series progressed and ended up not reading the last two books because I just stopped caring. I wondered why a series that I loved so much in the beginning went down hill so fast for me, but in the process of falling out of love with ToG I realized I wasn’t the only one who felt this way about the series! The lack of diversity (and misrepresentation/mistreatment of diverse characters when they were there), sexism, lazy editing and lackluster world building, among other things, came up many times for me and other former ToG fans when discussing why we became disappointed in the series. But the pitch for the book (badass morally gray assassin taking down a tyrant king for her freedom, so cool!) and some of the elements (romance, female friendships, magic, trials) sounded so amazing even though in the end it was executed poorly. So, I decided to compile a list of books that I have read and loved that have some elements and themes of ToG. This list is by no means exhaustive and is limited by the books that I have read (which is not many when you look at how many books exist in the world) so I would love to see your recommendations! Please feel free to add onto this post any recs that you have! Now onto the list!

1) Graceling by Kristin Cashore

I read this book the summer before I started ToG and completely loved it. It was one of the early books that got me back into reading and it was honestly the perfect book for that. It was exciting and I couldn’t put it down. It follows an assassin for a tyrannical king who begins to realize her own gifts for killing are more then she ever thought they could be. Cashore does a fantastic job developing the lead character Katsa and the ways that she dolls out information to the readers slowly is impeccable. While this book is technically the first in a trilogy of books taking place in the Graceling world, it can be read as a standalone fantasy (which I feel like are very rare). Another part of this book that I really loved was the romance. I usually don’t read very many straight romances (due to the sexist/problematic aspects many of the ones that I’ve read have) but the relationship between Katsa and Po is honestly a breath of fresh air when you’re used to a lot of toxicity and sexism with cishet romances in books. The two take care of each other and their relationship is very balanced. There are no gender roles pushed on either of them and they truly grow to become a team throughout the story and it’s wonderful to see! I would consider Katsa and Po, while canonically cis (there isn’t any explicit queer rep in this book), both quite androgynous characters who often express themselves in a fluid manner which I really appreciate. Over all this is an amazing classic YA fantasy that everyone should check out!

Synopsis: “Katsa has been able to kill a man with her bare hands since she was eight—she’s a Graceling, one of the rare people in her land born with an extreme skill. As niece of the king, she should be able to live a life of privilege, but Graced as she is with killing, she is forced to work as the king’s thug.

She never expects to fall in love with beautiful Prince Po.

She never expects to learn the truth behind her Grace—or the terrible secret that lies hidden far away . . . a secret that could destroy all seven kingdoms with words alone.

With elegant, evocative prose and a cast of unforgettable characters, debut author Kristin Cashore creates a mesmerizing world, a death-defying adventure, and a heart-racing romance that will consume you, hold you captive, and leave you wanting more.”

2) Three Dark Crowns by Kendare Blake

This book is the first in a five book series about three royal sisters raised to battle it out for the throne. I must admit the first book in the series is a little lackluster due to the fact that it’s setting up a lot but the second book just blows everything out of the water in a fantastic way. This series is dark and bloody and intriguing. I got completely hooked on this series and it brought out a lot of emotion to the point where I was gasping and shouting and throwing my book around as I was reading it (I got very invested)! I think that’s one of the things SJM can do well is get you hooked on her characters and Kendare can do the same (if not better). I love the dynamic between the sisters, this book does a great job at exploring the darker side of familial and female/female relationships (mostly platonic.. there isn’t very much queer rep unfortunately) that I really appreciate. The magic system and wolrdbuliding are also something that I enjoyed and I though was quite well done. Kendare does a good job at weaving in worldbuilding and magic system seamlessly into the story and I love that so much. Three Dark Crowns is just a fun and exciting series that I think anyone who loves fantasy YA should check out!

Synopsis: “ In every generation on the island of Fennbirn, a set of triplets is born—three queens, all equal heirs to the crown and each possessor of a coveted magic. Mirabella is a fierce elemental, able to spark hungry flames or vicious storms at the snap of her fingers. Katharine is a poisoner, one who can ingest the deadliest poisons without so much as a stomachache. Arsinoe, a naturalist, is said to have the ability to bloom the reddest rose and control the fiercest of lions.

But becoming the Queen Crowned isn’t solely a matter of royal birth. Each sister has to fight for it. And it’s not just a game of win or lose…it’s life or death. The night the sisters turn sixteen, the battle begins.

The last queen standing gets the crown. “

3) The Priory of the Orange Tree by Samantha Shannon

So a little disclaimer, this book is one of my favorite fantasy books of all time. I read it over the span of a few months last summer (its a long one guys...800+ pages) and it was one of the greatest, most well thought out fantasy books I’d ever had the pleasure of reading. I loved the characters, the world, the plot, the magic system etc. I loved everything! There’s some great political intrigue, dragon riders, epic battles, prophecies, weddings, funerals, romance and just general badassery and kickassery happening. Shannon clearly put so much time and effort into this book and it shows. That kind of dedication that shows is something that I really appreciate in a book, especially a fantasy book. Another aspect that I loved so so much is the diversity in this book. It came so naturally and didn’t at all feel like tokenism. The characters, with their differing genders, ethnicities, sexualities, ages, and nationalities etc, and their relationships with each other are truly what made the story. This book also has one of the BEST f/f romances I’ve ever read (as a queer woman I really loved that representation so much and felt very connected to both of those characters). Priory is a long one but if you have the time I highly recommend it.

Synopsis: “ A world divided. A queendom without an heir. An ancient enemy awakens.

The House of Berethnet has ruled Inys for a thousand years. Still unwed, Queen Sabran the Ninth must conceive a daughter to protect her realm from destruction – but assassins are getting closer to her door.

Ead Duryan is an outsider at court. Though she has risen to the position of lady-in-waiting, she is loyal to a hidden society of mages. Ead keeps a watchful eye on Sabran, secretly protecting her with forbidden magic.

Across the dark sea, Tané has trained to be a dragonrider since she was a child, but is forced to make a choice that could see her life unravel.

Meanwhile, the divided East and West refuse to parley, and forces of chaos are rising from their sleep. “

4) Truthwitch by Susan Dennard

As a queer woman, I’m always a little on edge when someone mentions f/f friendship in a book. This is entirely because of the erasure many many f/f romances experience when they are just brushed off as friendships (we’ve all heard the term “gal pals”). It’s frustrating and even though I love a good f/f friendship when the f/f romances get erased and replaced by friendships it gets exhausting. However, Truthwitch is a true f/f friendship that I can fully get behind! Dennard is an author that I had been following for writing tips for a while before I finally picked up her book. I knew that she’s someone who is invested in making her series diverse, even if she herself doesn’t fit into those categories, and accepts criticism because she want’s to do her characters justice. That’s something I really appreciate seeing from white cishet authors and is one of the reasons I picked up Truthwitch. It’s so much fun and the heart of the story truly is the relationship between the two leads Safi and Iseult. Their friendship reminds me a lot of my relationship with my friends. Books about f/f relationships (romantic or otherwise) are few and far between so I really love that this book exists. Strong platonic relationships are so often pushed aside for cishet romantic ones so it’s SO refreshing to see a series where the book would not exist without Safi and Iseult’s bond. They are truly soulmates and their relationship with each other is the most important one in their lives and that is just beautiful. Not to mention this book has got an awesome magic system and is building up to an amazing fantasy series! There’s pirates, priestesses, princes and, of course, witches! It’s loads of fun all around!

Synopsis: “ Young witches Safiya and Iseult have a habit of finding trouble. After clashing with a powerful Guildmaster and his ruthless Bloodwitch bodyguard, the friends are forced to flee their home.

Safi must avoid capture at all costs as she's a rare Truthwitch, able to discern truth from lies. Many would kill for her magic, so Safi must keep it hidden - lest she be used in the struggle between empires. And Iseult's true powers are hidden even from herself.

In a chance encounter at Court, Safi meets Prince Merik and makes him a reluctant ally. However, his help may not slow down the Bloodwitch now hot on the girls' heels. All Safi and Iseult want is their freedom, but danger lies ahead. With war coming, treaties breaking and a magical contagion sweeping the land, the friends will have to fight emperors and mercenaries alike. For some will stop at nothing to get their hands on a Truthwitch. “

5) Monstress by Marjorie Liu (Writer) and Sana Takeda (Illustrator) 

Another disclaimer! This book is my favorite graphic novel, period. There is really nothing like Monstress out there and I think that it’s criminally underrated. Liu and Takeda are the perfect combo of writer/artist to make this GN come together. I’m constantly in awe of the world, characters, and story Liu built and the frankly stunning art Takeda creates to go along with it. It’s steampunk and dark and dirty and beautiful. The lead character, Maika, is one of the few truly morally gray characters that I’ve read. Her decisions will make you question if you’re a good person because you still love her despite the fact that she just killed that guy... and that guy... and those other guys. This graphic novel series is very reflective of the dark animes (like Tokyo Ghoul and Castlevania) that we are seeing more recently and I personally believe Monstress would make a fantastic animated series if it were ever to get an adaption. This book has also some great representation of queer women (Maika herself is a queer, disabled, WoC). It’s totally the norm for the world and all of the lead female characters are queer, which I just love. This story has amazing woldbulding, magic, characters etc. It’ll give you everything from giant dead gods, to talking cats with multiple tails, to demonically possessed teenage girls who need to eat people. It’s honestly amazing. (I would give a major trigger warning for blood/gore so as long as you know you can handle that I think you should check it out!)

Synopsis: “ Set in an alternate matriarchal 1900's Asia, in a richly imagined world of art deco-inflected steam punk, MONSTRESS tells the story of a teenage girl who is struggling to survive the trauma of war, and who shares a mysterious psychic link with a monster of tremendous power, a connection that will transform them both and make them the target of both human and otherworldly powers. “

6) The Bridge Kingdom by Danielle L. Jensen

I never thought I would love a cishet romance as much as I love this one but here I am. The Bridge Kingdom is not really the kind of book I would normally pick up but it was on sale on kindle so I thought “why not!” And I was not disappointed. This story follows the assassin princess, Lara, who was raised to be married off to her fathers rival kingdom and kill the king. However, things get sticky when she begins to actually fall for the king and starts to realize that her father isn’t exactly who he says he is. Not only was this romance steamy as hell (this is an ADULT book folks so there are some explicit sex scenes, beware) but the world is super cool. The political intrigue was something I really enjoyed and I loved to see the world unfold from Lara’s eyes. I also totally loved Lara’s character. She’s complicated and cutthroat but ultimately want’s to do what’s right and is a character made to change and develop. I usually don’t go for that character trope that Lara fits into (beautiful and badass and despite being the MCs they somehow end up being very bland...) but Jensen managed to create a very mature and ever changing version of the YA trope that I ended up loving completely. If you love steamy fantasy romances with cool worlds and intriguing characters this is absolutely the book for you!

Synopsis: “ Lara has only one thought for her husband on their wedding day: I will bring your kingdom to its knees. A princess trained from childhood to be a lethal spy, Lara knows that the Bridge Kingdom represents both legendary evil - and legendary promise. The only route through a storm-ravaged world, the Bridge Kingdom controls all trade and travel between lands, allowing its ruler to enrich himself and deprive his enemies, including Lara's homeland. So when she is sent as a bride under the guise of fulfilling a treaty of peace, Lara is prepared to do whatever it takes to fracture the defenses of the impenetrable Bridge Kingdom.

But as she infiltrates her new home - a lush paradise surrounded by tempest seas - and comes to know her new husband, Aren, Lara begins to question where the true evil resides. Around her, she sees a kingdom fighting for survival, and in Aren, a man fiercely protective of his people. As her mission drives her to deeper understanding of the fight to possess the bridge, Lara finds the simmering attraction between her and Aren impossible to ignore. Her goal nearly within reach, Lara will have to decide her own fate: Will she be the destroyer of a king or the savior of her people? “

[anyu-blue]

~

Hey I'm rambling about stuff in my own head again. Trigger warnings apply- specifically those dealing with therapy, dysphoria, self harm, relationships, and stuff like that. :T

I don't really understand it... For quite a while there I was fine. Content even to just let things slide. I think it was because I felt secure where I was (with Lon) and blocked out a lot that doing therapy has brought screaming to the front of my mind... But I could be wrong and I feel confused and conflicted again.

At one point (before Lon) I had settled down when my previous therapist basically gave me permission to call myself androgynous. She told me it was okay- if that's what I felt, then I could use it.... I felt very relieved and much less ruffled. There was still a nag in the back of my head, but it was quiet enough I buried it... For the most part...

Getting with Lon brought quite a few forward and I insisted he understand I am/was not a girl. He also seemed content and sweet and more than accepting... Until he wasn't.. looking back.. Lon said a LOT of weird or off things he either never came through with or downright switched on.. especially near the end. EVERYONE in his family and friend group assumed and pushed the 'girl' thing... And that nag got a little louder..I pushed back (gently) reminding Lon with little things here and there that I wasn't... But still 'she' and overwhelming compliments on my feminity buried me under them. In the end... I know it was driving me crazy (literally) and probably Contributed more to the mess than I understood at the time.

But it also wasn't a push even.. just the assumption.. I believe that because right now my hackles are raised so high every time someone says 'she' to or about me I BRISTLE. I want to yell or (depending on who it is) quietly tell whomever is doing it to stop.. tell them they're wrong... Most aren't doing it maliciously, I know.. it's just what they see. I feel pressured or pushed. It's really weird and extremely uncomfortable. It's confusing too because.. I don't know... I can't see how they don't see me as different than 'girl'... Or heaven forbid 'WOMAN.'

*shudders*

My therapist and I are exploring the feelings around when these things are said to me... And she's proposed doing something about my anger and frustration like squeezing Something or something or just outright accepting it... Basically ANYTHING other than telling people my business... But the problem is, I've told her... I want to BREAK things.. I mean I don't... But I feel the urge to. To hit. To yell. To scream. To cry. To crush. To run. But I don't. In some ways I can't.... Squeezing Something when I'm angry hurts me. My grip is incredibly weak (always has been no matter what I've tried) and everything pops painfully. Or it pinches my skin and hurts... So I've developed a reflex to do the opposite of squeeze or hit things (which certainly hasn't helped the weakness issue lol)... And even if I do try to do those things.... It's never enough. I can't go and go and go like I want to. It just makes me madder. More frustrated. It's never satisfying or as releasing as People tell me it should feel. I just want more. And more and more and more. And in the end I'm usually left a sobbing mess that's completely spent, but still so mad and frustrated... Feeling those feelings even more. Sure I'm tired enough to pass out.. but I wake up.. and everything is still there.. usually coupled with depression because it's STILL THERE... And I couldn't get it out. I don't feel better or lighter or more free.. I feel heavier.. sadder... Worse. I used all that energy and nothing came of it.

And I don't understand!! I really don't. Why I'm never satisfied... Why I've always always been so angry... I was told I was an extremely cruel child.. I remember a little too.. I always wanted to act, but was pushed down.. and even when I did, it never felt good or like it was enough.. I swear I could tear an entire house down by myself with nothing but my own two hands and I STILL would want to do more.

...

And I'm feeling all of these things with gender...

Tevs said to me she thinks I 'want to be a boy because our mother always wanted a boy and [I] always wanted her approval.' ... I can't deny that MAYBE it had an influence on me. MAYBE...

But... I don't WANT that witch's approval anymore. I don't care about her distain either. I don't want her ANYWHERE NEAR my life, it's MINE not hers.. and I'm really pissed off no one can seem to take the damn hint I am 110% DONE with her and anything to do with her. She HAS a son to raise now. And a loving husband who had her adopt him. And good friends and whatever else she has in her life. I am OUT of it. And I want to be out of it forever.

.. it feels demeaning when Tevs says that it's all from that to me.. she's done it more than once, and of course I'm upset by it every time.

... I just want to be me... And every time someone looks at me and tells me I am beautiful.. or pretty.. or a wonderful woman... I just want to cry... To go hide.. I feel so ashamed.

...

Here's the thing.. I AM attractive. I AM beautiful, hot, resilient, kind... Just about everything you'd associate a woman with... I was walking to another area in my workplace just tonight and caught a glimpse of myself as I did so in our big windows... The way I walk. My silhouette. Everything about me... Is envious.

I'm not saying these things because I'm vain.. I'm saying them because if I compare my body and gait and everything to the People alongside me- even the guests I see coming in- I can see it as clearly as everyone else who tells me I'm this pretty thing does... I'm not sickeningly skinny and I'm not fat. I'm not super tall nor short. I'm right in the middle with an ass and legs People tell me they'd kill to have... If I were to wear proper bras, I have a chest they'd love too- not too heavy and not unnoticeably small... But I wear ones that squish my chest so it looks like I have less (and that might be why I have such glaring problems with my ribcage sliding out of place all the time. I'm crushing everything XP).. take a guess as to why I started doing that...

I can't hide my hips... Nor my legs... I've got cute feet too. And hands... So dainty and fine- just enough bone and plump in the right places... It's no wonder I am the envy of my poor (adopted) cousin desperate to be a model and a star.. poor girl. She's beautiful in her own right, but her genes have made it so hard for her to fully dive into her confidence... My dad told me we are rivals and have always been... And my heart breaks for her because I'm not even trying... I want her to succeed!! To be the one in the spotlight!! I want to stay in the background so she can shine... But I always get pulled forward and somehow she's in my shadow (despite being taller than me).. and she can't stand to be near me.. even when I am trying my hardest to let her lead or to say things kindly or in her favor.. I can't seem to win... So I don't really have a relationship with her at all.. Though I really wanted to.

When I don't hide.. when I do 'dress up'... There's so many compliments. If I run into ANYONE from school when I do... *Gags* the compliments, disbelief, and shock... I remember EVERY prom... People not knowing who I was... Or being shocked if they did recognize me straight out. All 4 years... And it made the ostracization worse. My class was AFRAID of me. I was this shy/frumpy (also angry) little thing.. but I still remember being stared at changing after gym whenever there wasn't a stall for me to hide in.. I personally at the time thought it was because I was so ugly/fat they couldn't help themselves... Going through everything in therapy.. I realize it was because I was so skinny under all my baggy clothes.. and really pretty under the acne/hood/ugly glasses. I wasn't bullied just because I was smart/loved to learn... I was a threat and didn't even know it. The envy of my peers. And it's so sad.

I did wish to be like them.. so confident. So able to fake it. To do my makeup and wear cute things and to feel right somehow... But I never did. I tried.. but couldn't stand the clothes.. or the comments about my ass... Or all the things they focused on whenever I came close to succeeding. I couldn't seem to get it right. I just wanted to hide whenever I stood out... It never felt right.

It got to the point I was AFRAID to wear dresses and skirts. Terrified. Everything felt wrong with the world when I did. I felt like I was faking Something. Like I was purposefully being awful... Lying..

I wear some now because I was cheered up by the idea of genderqueer people and some men finding comfort in wearing them and in some ways them becoming more acceptable by all genders... Plus they're reeeally comfy sometimes. And it's nice to just be able to throw on a dress with built in pads during the summer heat wave than to worry about all those damn layers XP ... And I recognize that no one is going to question me or think I'm lying when I wear any... They don't see what I have in my head.

I do recognize that some of this stuff has trauma tied to it... And I'm confused because I don't know where the trauma ends and I (my own genuine thoughts) begin... I was not treated kindly at home- even outright being called ugly in a derogatory manner.. granted I now know those comments mostly came from a pedophile disinterested in me and the pedophile's own manipulation of my mother and her family's opinions (gaslighting and twisting to where I really was the horrible child in all ways) AND I know that I am not neurotypical which caused some other unfortunate treatments in and around my home.

I don't know where to go with it... Or why I'm so viscously against being called a girl or a woman. Why it's setting me off so bad right now. I just know that it is... And for some reason every time I'm alone or not really thinking of it... I don't think of myself as one. Not at all. And when I'm reminded.. I'm often startled by it and confused and need to process the information for a second... Despite 'being' one for all of my life... I've continually had the problem I don't expect what I see in the mirror either.. especially since puberty.

If I could show you what I think/feel most of the time... I think this would be the closest I could get- just make the chest straighter/flatter... It bugged me to no end to add that detail in and still does to this day, but I was going off the model (me lol). I don't feel like Anything... But I want to be something.. and that Something is... Not this. Not this...

But where do I go? What do I do?

I'm terrified of surgeries... I don't want massive scars (not that I mind scars- in fact I LOVE them. They're so cool!! But I don't want people to KNOW you know? Not that. Not Something that is such a private matter... I don't want to believe or go after something for it to be wrong too... And I don't feel I can afford any of it anyway 😞 even if I did want to try or actually found the right one... I would be so depressed to never be able to reach my goal.. and I feel I've held myself back due to that fear too...

I know another reason I haven't tried anything or spoken up or anything is because I have this strange desire to pass on my genetic legacy. It is such a powerful urge I am TERRIFIED of losing the ability... People tell me about adoption all the time as a great option, and it IS a great option for the children... Because I would do ANYTHING for my own... But it's this terrible terrible feeling I wouldn't feel I could claim them as my own and it would leave something still empty inside of me and I wouldn't be as loving because of it and that kills me... It sounds terrible too!!

I would do almost anything to have my own child... When it comes to pain tolerance or body changes I know I would have the hardest time than most if I were to get knocked up.. but I have that thought that it would be worth it because they are MINE.

I've thought about egg donation.. because I feel it would make me feel better to know I succeeded in passing on the line to someone better off and worthy of having children... But I feel I have too many genetic issues or would be an undesirable candidate or I'd feel terrible if the child died and then I didn't succeed...

Lol I think of things oddly... And that makes me think I don't deserve to have children or donate too... Never mind the actual process XP boy... Complicated~

So I've never tried... I am also quite poor and know I would struggle to raise a child. Even just one. And if I were to have twins (as I'm the generation that is supposed to)... I have even more worries... And I don't want a child or children to grow up with the struggles I had or worse than I had like they likely would if I just went for it.

...

I knew I felt more sure when I was with Lon because he apparently wanted/wants kids too... And it was in the plan (Maybe. Maybe not. It's possible he was the one messing with my medication alarms and trying, but also possible he just wanted sex... Because he told me before he left that he thought he was infertile for a long time (and there's some pretty strong evidence to suggest he's got weak swimmers lol but I'm not going to divulge what that stuff is) so it may have been a lie all along... But I didn't know and felt assured and safe with that path at the time)...

*sigh*

Idk what to do... I know I'm messed up about it all.. and I know my knee jerks and feelings... But I don't exactly trust myself or my memory or my reasons... I am only human... And I feel so lost.

I know what I envy... Very much.. and what I would choose if I could... But... Life just doesn't work that way... And science is so stunted it likely won't in my lifetime.

*snort*

I feel the worst thing that my dad ever said to me was when I told him and his wife that I wasn't a girl... I don't remember if I told them I was neither or would prefer to be a guy... But I do remember my dad's response... He told me 'go ahead and you do you, but I want you to know that no matter what, you're always going to be my little girl. I just can't think of you any other way, because you are. You're my little girl.'

And I just... It struck me so badly (obviously, I still think about it)... And made my heart so heavy. I... Understand... To the extent I can... And I don't want to... Lose him because I can't accept that... But.. I feel like it's only pushed me to lose myself... To.. just stay. Take the 'easy' route. To 'accept' it (except we can see how well THAT'S going).

*sigh*

I don't know...

The only thing I do know right now is I have this fantasy about... Going away for a while. More or less disappearing for 5 to 10 years... And coming back... How I want to be/see myself... And seeing what everyone would think...

Tevs thinks I only want it because of trauma. Dad thinks I'm always going to be his daughter. Everyone else is so sure I am a woman...

And maybe they're right... (I mean TECHNICALLY lol I can't exactly argue with that 😂)... And I would be trying to let my 'good looks' and all that 'go to waste'...

...

If I could trade someone... 100%... I would. I'm a pretty/beautiful/attractive looking body... (My face is debatable lol but whatever)... I wonder how come am I not happy about it...

[tiergan-vashir]

Hi. Just want to thank you for being open about your experiences. Seeing your posts is part of what made me think about whether I’m actually cis or not. Idk what to call myself because I never questioned myself until now, mostly because I’ve always been called a pretty girl (sorry that that sounds arrogant) and figured that’s what I should be. But recently I started thinking about things I did as a kid or even stories I wrote. And I realized that before I even I guess knew the pressures of (1/4)

Hey Anon! I’m going to put my response to you under a cut, because it’s quite long, but I hope it might help and be of some use to you on your journey with your gender.

I think the most useful thing a friend has ever told me when it came to gender is that “Cis people don’t really think about it.”  Cis women don’t typically sit and yearn or dream of being a different gender, wearing a different gender’s clothes with a different gender’s body. If you’re worrying or even considering that the gender you were assigned at birth might not be the gender you truly are - I think that’s something worthy of giving some space and putting some time into in order to explore and discover the different parts of yourself.

If you do all that exploration and internal reflection and decide in the end, that you really are cis after all - then at least you reaffirmed it for yourself and maybe learned some new things about yourself along the way that can lead to greater creativity and self-expression.  But if you realise you’re not cis, you can start walking down a path to even more self-acceptance and self-discovery.

When it comes to gender dysphoria and whether or not you may have it, I would say that sometimes people have set notions on what gender dysphoria is and completely miss that they’ve been experiencing it at all. There’s actually different types of gender dysphoria and different folks experience them in different ways (or not at all. For example, someone might feel physically dysphoric but not socially or vice versa).  I would also try to look out for instances of gender euphoria, which can also be a telling sign.

In my personal experience, I didn’t know being nonbinary was an even option until just a few years ago.  After that, I still doubted my gender, because when it came to dysphoria, literally all the stories I’d ever heard were ones where trans folks were so powerfully dysphoric that living life as their assigned birth gender was absolutely unbearable.

Because I’d never heard anything different, I thought that being in a constant, state of overwhelming suffering was mandatory part of the trans experience before you transition and that if you weren’t utterly miserable, depressed, or suicidal as a pre-transition trans person, it meant you were cis. Period. I had no idea at the time that dysphoria can actually come in different forms (social and physical) and can come in varying degrees of strength. 

This youtube video is the best way I’ve ever heard someone describe how I personally also have experienced gender dysphoria, which is as an ever present ‘hum’.  Background noise that is so constant that you start to not hear it anymore, because it’s always there. Being referred to by she/her pronouns didn’t really bug me (though that’s changed now if I can tell someone’s intentionally trying to misgender me). I don’t HATE my body. I just feel a little awkward about it and don’t really like looking at it all that much - but I thought that was kinda normal for anyone who wasn’t a super model.  I hated most women’s clothing for most of my life, but I just kinda thought I just didn’t like fashion. I could live as a woman if I had to, even if I sometimes found myself wishing and dreaming (both figuratively and literally) I was a tall handsome man instead.

Meanwhile, just like that video above also describes: gender euphoria was like a bell.  This bright, short-lived flash of happiness and joy.  Every time someone referred to me as he/his OOC, I felt this burst of happiness and excitement.  Every time I saw pictures online of androgynous people or women that could dress so masculinely people mistook them for men, I felt a joyful rush. (The Kpop singer Amber had me obsessed for weeks. I thought I had a crush on her, until I realised I straight up wished I could BE her, because so many people mistook her for a boy in a girl’s band.)

There were several times in the past where I low-key avoided telling people what my gender was IRL when I played as male characters in other games, because I wanted to spend just a little more time getting to enjoy people calling me by male pronouns OOC.  And when I was a young teenager RPing male characters, I straight up lied to my RP buddy and told them I was a boy, crafting this whole other persona of this tall, handsome male version of myself.  I liked being seen as a boy so much that I didn’t want to ruin the illusion of it.

Unfortunately, this backfired when this RP buddy and I became very close and they eventually wanted to visit me IRL.  I spent hours trying on my brother’s clothes, and then burst into tears, because my body was all wrong and I just could not pass as male at all.  It was the strongest gender dysphoria I’d ever felt in my life.

I feel like that should probably have been the moment I realised I wasn’t quite cis, but I didn’t even know what ‘transgender’ or ‘nonbinary’ was at that time. And even when I did learn it was a thing, living as a girl/woman wasn’t CONSTANT SUSTAINED SUFFERING to me, so the thought that I might not be cis didn’t even register.

It was instead the repeated, consistent bursts of gender euphoria over the years that eventually made me question myself and my gender.  Noticing again and again how much more ecstatic and joyful I felt when seeing people who were visibly genderqueer or when people referred to me by he/him pronouns or just thought I was a man, really hit home.

Unfortunately, people don’t really talk about gender euphoria very much at all when it comes to the trans experience, just about the suffering.  Even now, I still sometimes get hit with bursts of “but is it really enough? have I suffered enough to earn this label? Am I a ‘transtrender’?”  Sometimes the joy and happiness at being gendered correctly is also a really good sign.

The funny thing is, once I realised I wasn’t a cis woman, I was able to re-examine traditionally feminine things see how I felt about them.  Like I mentioned in another post, I used to HATE and feel frustrated by make-up. Now I love it and deeply enjoy it now that I feel like it’s about my own self-expression instead of me doing something because it’s what women are supposed to do.  I discovered I love long, elaborate earrings and want to wear those things regularly  While I generally prefer more androgynous clothing, there are a few very feminine pieces of clothing I really like (and some that make me so dysphoric I yeeted them into the trash).

On the flipside, I also found out I really, really fucking love suits and want to look and feel powerful in one. I want several masculine-cut vests, and ties as soon as I find ones I like that actually fit me. I love anything that minimizes the existence of my boobs and want to fine more masculine footwear (though that’s hard, because I have tiny feet).  I tossed most of my bras out and replaced them with bralettes.  And I love blending the masculine and feminine together.  I was ecstatic when a friend told me that I achieved Peak Gender Confusion Inducement with my new haircut. Seeing Billly Porter in his gown + tuxedo jacket combo made my heart fucking sing.

I feel really free and empowered to be more myself than I have in a long time. And I hope, if anything else, your exploration helps you find that in yourself too regardless of what your gender winds up being in the end.

Hope this helps! Sorry this was so long.

[jamiebluewind]

Genderfluid is...complicated

As a little kid, I would go to bed some nights telling myself over and over that I was a girl. Some days "girl" fit. Some days it was close enough. But on days like those, it didn't work. I didn't feel like a girl. Not really like a boy either. It was confusing. Sometimes I cried.

As I got older, I learned to ignore it. My name was thankfully unisex, so I never had the problem of a traditionally female name. I wore pants, but occasionally I did want a dress. Most of the time, it was graphic tees or plain shirts, but I did own a few girly clothes for when I was in the mood for them. My parents wanted me to have long hair which sometimes was fine and sometimes... wasn't. On one of the days it wasn't and I had already begged them to cut it, I got some scissors and chopped it off myself. I never let it get past my shoulders again.

Once I became an adult, I got a modified pixie cut and have kept my hair that short since. I bought my own clothes which were a mix of androgynous and feminine, but nothing revealing or girly. I wore makeup because I was supposed to, but eventually I grew to hate most of it so I stopped. Sometimes I'd really want a dress, but more of the time I hated them. People commented that I was normally the nurturing type and a bit of a tomboy, but that sometimes I acted a lot like a guy. That I had never acted girly. Some people assumed that I was a lesbian. It was weird.

As I got older, I got more comfortable in my body. Occasionally I'd wear eye makeup or clothes that showed off my curves. Sometimes I wanted to burn my bra and just wore baggy clothes and layers. My boyfriend at the time said I was part guy which he sometimes found gross (like dude... that does not make you gay so chill). He even convinced me not to look into it.

I tried to conform to be what I thought I was supposed to be, but some days were harder than others. I just thought my differences and the constant feeling of being off was because I was in the closet about being bisexual. I even looked up transgender stuff when I found out about transmen and transwomen, but it didn't fit. I wasn't a guy.

Then I discovered nonbinary genders and the like. None of the words fit quite right, but it made me realize that I wasn't 100% female. I stayed in that limbo for a few years. It wasn't until last year that I read about a demiboy and his/their experiences trying to figure out his/their gender... and it resonated so much with me. That was me, only demigirl instead of demiboy. The character had "he" days and "they" days. I didn't realize I did too until one morning I was in the shower and said "she" and "they" out loud (followed by a proper freak out when "they" sounded so right).

But my gender still moved. Demigirl (she or they with a mild preference depending on the day) was what I was a lot of the time, but I could also be female (she), bigender (they), agender (any pronoun because I didn't care), or "hell if I know" (didn't care but leaned towards they). I looked at genderfluid again, but didn't think I could be that because I never really had a "he" day. So I kept on as a demigirl.

I was really sensative about my pronouns at first. Using the wrong one bothered me a lot on any day but an agender day. A lot of feelings had build up over the years and using the wrong one just set me off on the inside and made me feel horrible. My two friends I know in real life (they live in a different state now) supported me, but nobody else did. When I made a friend on here (I'm looking at you @winterpower98) that not only never quested my gender, but also corrected someone when they misgendered me? I cried. It was unexpected. I was shocked. I cried for a while after that. The person she corrected then went on using the right one despite me not even being there to see the conversation between them. I only even found out because one of them sent me sceenshots.

I was also way too hard on myself. If I woke up and it was a strong "they" day, I felt like I HAD to dress androgynous or masculine, even if I was in the mood to wear makeup and cute stuff. I wouldn't let myself not dress how I thought I was supposed to because it felt like I would be seen as a fake or that I would have to deal with misgendering and people arguing because I was wearing girl stuff on a day I felt like I wasn't female. Strong "she" days were even worse because if I felt female, but didn't want to dress feminine, I made myself. It was fine if I wanted to put on makeup and wear a cute top, but not when I didn't. It was exhausting and stressful and I felt like I always had to justify my identity. This was on top of demigirl not always fitting me exactly. I had this whole thing where I was scared I wasn't really a demigirl because I didn't fit perfectly. I was a ball of confusion who put on a brave face and pretended I new what I was.

I looked up genderfluid for a post I did for how I experenced gender. I was so frustrated and just wanted to get out how it felt to me, even if the words weren't quite right. That's when I realized that I was genderfluid (genderfluid/flux actually). It didn't matter that I never had "he" days; I was still genderfluid.

But that still didn't fix my problem with trying to dress to match my gender. Fictional works weren't much help because genderfluid characters always followed their gender. They were always super fem on girl days, masc on guy days, and androgynous on mixed and nonbinary days. And here I was, not fitting in as usual. I felt like I had to want to dress the way that fit my gender. I'm part of one of the most LGBTQ+ fandoms out there (Thomas Sanders) and regularly see pictures and art of people dressing in ways that aren't traditionally associated with their gender (and rocking it!) and I STILL felt this way.

The change happened slowly. I stopped being so worried of what others thought and started trying to be who I was. Being accepted as who I was by so many people helped me more than yall will ever know. So now I wear what I want regardless of my gender and it's wonderful.

The final piece of the puzzle came from @fuocsniperbot98. They are a wonderful person and nonbinary, but they are very chill about pronouns. I was so scared of goofing up and using the wrong pronouns. I told them and they were just... chill about the whole thing. They were cool with whatever pronouns. Their native language doesn't even have gender neutral pronouns, but they weren't bothered by it. It was like something clicked into place and I stopped feeling so bad when I got misgendered.

I learned to not to be so hard with myself too. I don't have to know exactly what gender I am every day; I just experence it. I'm still a demigirl and I'm still genderfluid, but I threw the rules I thought I had to follow in the trash.

Hi. I'm Jamie. And this is what you need to know about being genderfluid...

You don't have to vary between all the genders. Your gender just has to vary. You can vary between only two genders and you are still genderfluid. Thus the fluid part.

You can sometimes feel like a mix of two genders. On those days, you might not be entirely sure what word to use for what you currently are and that's okay. Just try to find the pronoun that feels the most comfortable or allow yourself to just exist for the day or however long it lasts. It's okay to be nothing.

How genderfluid someone is varies from person to person. One person might stay one gender for months at a time while another person might vary from day to day. One person might spend time equally spread out between the genders they express, another might almost always feel like various mixtures of genders, while yet another might spend most of their time in a certain gender/mix of genders and only change rarely, in certain circumstances, and/or for short periods of time. I could go on, but the takeaway is that there is no right or wrong way to be genderfluid.

If the strength you experience gender varies (like if 0% was agender and 100% was female), you are genderflux which is on the genderfluid spectrum.

Sometimes the menstrual cycle can effect the gender of a genderfluid person due to hormones released at certain points (such as during ovulation), but not always. This can make you more likely to be a certain gender during certain windows of time.

Your presentation does NOT have to match your current gender/pronouns. Pronoun jewelry is a handy way to let people know what you prefer regardless of what you're wearing and can be as discreet or flashy as you like. You can even use regular jewelry and tell friends and family what they mean.

[the-queer-look]

Butch is Beautiful

The scope of LGBTQIA+ culture and identity is incredibly wide. People in all parts of our community have grown up in different parts of a wider cishet community and culture, bringing those experiences with them. This constant injection into our community means that it is as hard to nail down a unifying sense of Queer Fashion, as it is to nail down specifics for gender identity. There will people who identify the same, but present different aspects of that identity, and there will likewise always be people who never feel comfortable with any labels at all.

- K

Name: Ciara

Age: 23

Gender: They/Them

Sexuality: Lesbian

Location: Summer Hill

Occupation: Cashier, studying fitness

My sexual identity I guess I would say is lesbian, but my gender identity is… a bit more nebulous. In some capacity it has its roots in womanhood, just because being a woman, and being raised as a girl has been very important to me in how I experience the world, but beyond that, I don’t have any particular attachment to femininity. But being raised as a woman, and experiencing the world as a woman has been so instrumental to me becoming who I am, that to completely disregard it when talking about my gender identity would seem a little disingenuous.

I’ve always been very insistent that people realise and remember among all this discussion about gender to remember that women can be masculine, and that butch and masculine women do exist. I’ve held onto that as a part of my identity for a long time, because it felt I needed to prove that it could exist, and I guess I feel that I still do. I don’t want to disregard my womanhood, because it’s very important to me, but I dont feel any attachment to the physical markers of my womanhood. For example, I want top surgery at some point, I guess because when I was a kid I was very happy with my short hair and running around shirtless and enjoying the androgyny that came with being a child. I started going through puberty and freaked out about now having to be different. Like the entirety of being a teenager was just about trying to be okay with that? So I feel like I spent my teenage years feeling like a defective woman. I used to hate when people would think I was a boy, so I would try to be more performative in my femininity, but there was something that felt so completely unnatural about it. I got to my twenties, and realised that it wasn’t working for me, though since embracing my masculinity, and realising that I want to be read as a masculine person, I’ve then become more comfortable with putting on a bit more femininity, as long as I can be read as someone who isn’t traditionally feminine whilst doing so.

I don’t identify as nonbinary, for the same reason that I don’t, on a personal level, identify as queer. I think the pure range of things that Queer and Non-binary covers, doesn’t feel particularly accurate to me. I appreciate that for many people, the broad blanket statements of Queer and Non-binary feel very comfortable, but for me it feels a bit too open ended. I certainly identify strongly with transmasculinity, but I’ve seen and known people who identify themselves as “transmasculine lesbian,” which feels like a better fit, even though it sounds like an oxymoron at the same time, and “lesbian” has nothing to do with gender identity… I guess I’m still working it out a little bit, but everything changes over time, and I can only ever be true to myself y’know?

When I was a teenager I’d get crushes on both men and women, but there was something about the crushes that I got on women that was just so...physical… Like I’d get so nervous around them that I just couldn’t talk, and my hands would start shaking when I saw girls I had a crush on. I just interpreted that at the time as physical anxiety about not being out as bisexual to a lot of people, but retrospectively I’ve realised that all of my crushes on women have been like that, and none of my crushes on men. I identified as bisexual from about sixteen till nineteen, and then.. I just sort of stopped being attracted to boys. I realised sometime when I was twenty that I just wasn’t attracted to men anymore, so I tried referring to myself as a lesbian to see how that felt, and it just sorta stuck, And I never liked a boy again! *laughter*

When I first came out, I was intensely scared of being read as too masculine. I’d be wearing these horribly fitting t-shirts, with push-up bras underneath, and these incredibly tight jeans, like a butch/femme fusion in the most uncomfortable way possible. But I sort of moved towards more more masculine clothing to see if it felt more comfortable. And it did, it did. I started wearing a binder from time to time, and wearing mens clothes, and it felt so good to just not be uncomfortable with how things fit me, and how my body looked under clothes. But because I’ve always been quite butch looking, I’ve never really had any problems signifying to anyone in, or out of the community that theres something very queer here. As an assigned female at birth, but masculine presenting person, I’ve never had any problems standing out in the community. Sometimes people read me as nonbinary, or transmasculine, or just a butch woman, none of which I mind. For the most part I dont mind what people read me as, I used to hate being mistaken for a boy, but not so much anymore depending on context. Out and about on the street, being mistaken for a boy is fine, but being yelled at for trying to use the womens bathroom? Not so much. I think, as a queer person, I have a huge privilege of being palatably androgynous, when I know there’s this immense pressure for many nonbinary folks to present this way for their gender identity to be considered valid. I can’t imagine how frustrating it would be to be under that pressure, because it’s just how my body is.

For me the internet has been important for doing research and having resources. Be that looking up “do other people like me exist?” or researching tips and tricks on presentation. I think that before having this community at our fingertips, it would have been incredibly difficult to exist as a queer person. But I feel that for all that social media contributes to comparing yourself to people in an unhealthy way, I feel that things like Facebook and Instagram have been helpful for me the be able to document myself. It helps me manage dysphoria, and moments of not seeing myself clearly, or moments of insecurity; I feel that it helps to have a consistent log of images taken of myself two or three times a month. I like sharing with people how I look, because when you do go through a lot of physical changes, it feels good to keep people up to date with that. If you met someone three years ago, it’s nice to know that if they have you on facebook or whatever, they get to see what you look like as your perception of yourself changes, rather than having this outdated image in their brain. Go off, take photos of yourself kids, selfies everyday.

I feel that historically that LGBTQIA+ community has had to use these quiet signifiers to signal their sexuality to other people in the know, whilst flying under the radar. I think that there’s nothing really wrong with fitting into queer stereotypes. I fit into a lot o stereotypes about both butch lesbians, and nonbinary people. I think that the worst that can, and does come from it, is that people who don’t prescribe to those norms tend to feel a bit invisible, like femme lesbians have major gripes about people thinking I’m straight, and the only time people think that about me is when they think I’m a straight boy, so I cant imagine how bad that is. It becomes bad when we assume that these stereotypes are the norm for the whole community, but I think that if people want to signify their gender or sexuality in these ways, then theres nothing wrong with that. As long as we don’t expect people to abide by these stereotypes, I think there is zero problem with them.

I feel like the mainstream media needs to catch up in terms of queer fashion. Theres a massive disconnect between what you see on tv, and in movies, vs what you see in person at a queer event, where everyone’s dressed… I cant even begin to describe how fashion it is. I went to an event over the weekend where everyone was dressed in just weird shit, which is actual queer culture, and queer fashion. It is important to recognise that queer fashion doesn’t actually exist. Because the culture is as wide and varied as there is in the broader mainstream community, that any attempt to capture an idea of queer fashion will alienate most of the community entirely.

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[werevulvi]

Face my fragmentation

“The distinction between performance and reality, always caught up entangled Not knowing if what I know is truth, or beliefs carefully mangled Did my past deception ring true at the end or am I just reconciling with what I cannot bend? In the sanctuary of my own home, do I wear my true face? As it changed with time and testosterone, its nuances shifted out of place With my senses hightened outside, I'm unaware of what I hide Yet I call for no reduction of what I became; I remain yet the same I thrifted pieces of my shame, to once again be restored into pride I'm perpetually misjudged by my appearance, but I let it slide for the sake of my privacy, when the need to know basis is none but it still twists my gut, telling me that my womanhood is gone Have I sought to become what I already am, or am I trying to be what is beyond my reach; a pipedream of tricks and tragedy Wearing stage makeup for casual pursuits, the tedium I'm trying to exhale but I cannot differentiate freedom from what's cheaply on sale And I begin to wonder, if what's chasing me is my destination if I should turn around to further face my fragmentation My bits of male and female; chafing together, comforting apart each belonging to different pieces of my shattered heart” Ah, the perpetual confusion continues! I still feel as though I've some amount of conflict between what I consider my male traits and female parts. That I like them all but can't quite put them together. And I'm thinking that has something to do with my traumatised mind still being very fragmented, despite having integrated with my alter. Like that integration didnt exactly make all of my dissociative symptoms go away. And being in a constant dissociative fog surely makes it hard to figure out what is me being true to myself or accidentally creating yet another persona. Especially considering much of my dysphoria was caused by the traumas that also caused my dissociative issues. So how I perceive my body both genderly and in general are very linked together. There's no clear distinction yet every aspect of me is so far apart. Like two similar things placed in two different rooms, and the time it takes to walk from one thing to the other makes you forget how different or similar they actually are. I dont think my body or my mind being androgynous makes me any less female or not a woman, its not that. But I'm not blind to how the rest of the world sees me and I'm also not immune to its effects on how I perceive myself as a consequence. I have thought, although only in sheer desperation, about if it would be easier to "just" live as a feminine trans man. But I dont want to cause it goes against everything I feel about myself as a woman. It would be like admitting defeat. Like saying it actually was "too late" into transition for me to detrans. And I'm not the kind of person who gives up about what matters to me really a lot. Not that I dont give up easily, but that I simply DON'T give up. Like no matter how hard it is. I keep trying until I manage, and only sometimes temporarily retreat. And I know that my fight/right to be a woman is something that I cannot and wont give up on. No matter how much I'll stumble and fall. But how do I conquer these obsticles? And how do I learn to live as an ambiguous woman who's constantly perceived as male? How do I handle this consatant feeling of having been robbed of my womanhood? How difficult it is to feel welcome in any lesbian community or women only space in general, when looking like a man (i.e a threat). Worrying about being tossed out of bathrooms cause I'm too scared of walking into the mens room to put on makeup, while wearing a dress and fake boobs. Worrying about locker rooms for when I'll start practicing karate again, as I highly doubt there will be a gender neutral option for that. Cause im terrified of showering naked with a bunch of naked men, cause open showers is standard in my country, and I'm sure that other women in their locker room would freak out if I walked in there, cause that's happened before. I know I'll have to have a conversation with the instructors at that karate club about my locker room issue, but still.

That is why I still hold off on starting practicing at my island's only karate club, but it's a dream that I cannot hold off on forever. I'm thinking it might be easier to "prove my case" when I'm legally female again, and for other practical reasons it would be more convenient to wait until after my breast reconstruction surgery has been done and healed properly as well. But how I'm perceived by others based solely on my looks (and voice) will continue to be ambiguous at best, as I'm keeping and cherishing my traits from testosterone. It's not that I care about random people's opinions of me, cause I don't. It's that it makes those kinds of social situations difficult to deal with and solve. And I feel like I'm stuck in a tight web about it. The ways in which my dysphoria slithers around in me is confusing and exhausting to try to figure out and get a grasp of. But I've come to understand now that basically: as a trans man I was happy with what testosterone did for me and I for the first started finally liking parts of my body. It was an over all positive experience for me. But I hated living as a man and forcing myself to be masculine. It felt like a burden that alienated me, as I couldn't connect to either men or other women anymore, and I felt that more and more over the years, like some abstract force that became mysteriously heavier over time. Until I understood that I was going against my nature. It felt good at first, but then felt increasingly heavier and like a burden, that social role and the lie that I tried to become. Top surgery (about 5 years into my social transition) made it worse cause it was such a jarring experience. Sadly, I hated my breasts until the day they were gone... then I missed them. It only traded one kind of suffering for another, and I had no idea that would happen. That made me even more confused, but I was afraid of my feelings so I bottled them and shoved them away. For 4 years.

Then when I started healing from my traumas and I began to fall in love with my body and my personality, detransition was just around the corner and it happened so fast. It was literally like I woke up that morning feeling like I was a man like always, and when I went to bed that night I knew I was a woman and regretted it all. As well as instantly ditching the masculinity I had forced myself into, for my long lost femininity. That strong contrast was a tad overwhelming!

However, now reflecting back on it, I don't think most of that instant regret I felt was really that, but rather that it was an expression of my inner conflict between the liberation of finally connecting with my womanhood for the first time ever, and my love for my male physical traits that clashed with the idea of womanhood that had been imprinted into my brain by society. Or to put it more simply: my love for my androgynous body clashed with my false view of myself as a traditionally feminine woman. I felt stuck with my androgyny when in fact there was never anything wrong with either me or my androgyny, but I couldn't put it together with being a woman. Cause I felt suddenly threatened by it. I felt like I was somehow newly a woman, and my old-fashioned, conservative view of what I thought women "should" look like made me attack the one thing I had finally come to love, which was what had brought me to see myself as a woman to begin with: my body. Eventually, as I became more stable over time in my detransition, I started to find my way back to that love I always had for my male traits, and tried to basically integrate them into my newfound womanhood, but that was and still is a struggle. Even just getting myself to walk outside with a beard visible on my face and with any amount of confidence to do so, since detransing, has taken me around 6 months so far, and it's still a work in progress. I keep fighting it, viewing my facial hair as a threat to my womanhood while still loving it. Is it right, is it wrong, that I still love my beard? I know that does not matter, but my emotions don't give a fuck about that. They won't listen to reason. But I see that I am beautiful with strikingly intense looks, self-love and pride showing through behind a hesitant smile, when I allow myself to wear my beard like the part of my body that it now is. I do not want to get rid of it, but I definitely want to get rid of the social stigma around bearded women with deep voices. But that ain't gonna happen anytime soon. So I'm gonna have to live with that stigma, reluctantly.

And even during that time, I sometimes, or even most of the time, directed my frustration with being misgendered towards my beloved male traits, as if they were the enemy and not society. Cause I'm just as much forced to live in this society as I am forced to live with my own body... it takes much work to not let either of those two drive me crazy. Having and keeping my male features literally does me no harm at all. Especially not considering I'm no longer taking the testosterone, only keeping its permanent effects. Actually I think trying to reverse those effects would be more harmful than keeping them. I know I'd always rather listen to my heart than society when it comes to making any kinds of permanent changes to my body. But I'll still hear society, regardless of how much I don't listen to it. And sometimes what it says just fucks me up and makes me sad. I know I would be dysphoric again if I got rid of my male traits. I know because for everytime I've considered it and used any sort of words like "removing" or "lasering off" or "getting rid of" those traits, it has made my stomach turn in a mentally painful twist. And I know because I'd regret it if I got rid of them. That I would grieve their loss, just like I grieved the loss of my breasts. And I don't wanna go through that with any more parts of my body. Even just thinking about it makes me wanna protect myself.

Truth is I don't wanna look either completely female or completely male, as for my physical appearance. But I'm fine with simply being biologically female regardless of how I want to appear. It's a fact I've no issue with anymore, and I'm no longer dysphoric about any of my remaining female parts, like I used to be. But I do not want to again look like I never transitioned to begin with. I do not miss my voice being higher pitched at all, or having a smooth face, a less hairy body or a smaller clit. My style is mostly feminine, but my body is a mix of male and female traits.

(Just to clarify, I use the word "male" instead of "masculine" when it comes to my transitioned physical traits because masculinity is a social construct, but such physical traits (like beards, deep voices, etc) are much more closely associated with male biology than any social construct. And vice versa for my female traits.) Am I less female for having some additional male traits? No, I'm still 100% female, but now with some additional male traits. I'm a woman who went through both female and male puberty, hormonally. And I like it that way, but I never liked to regularly dress masculine, and I've also never liked having a totally female-appearing body and face either. I've wanted a deep voice and facial hair ever since I was 12 years old. Whatever it means, it's not a new or sudden wish. I've had it for most of my life, which is probably why I'm so happy to have those traits now. But I also don't and can't think of myself as a feminine man, no matter how much I look like one on the surface. It's just an illusion, a consequence of my transition+style. It was a choice, and I really don't know if I regret that choice or not. Transitioning, as a whole, didn't quite turn out as I had intended. I guess that's all I really know for sure. My chest is now my only source of dysphoria. Cause I guess I can regret top surgery without also regretting testosterone. Or maybe I just want new boobs regardless of if I have chest dysphoria or not, and consider the risks of getting new boobs worth it to connect better with my body as a beautiful (not necessarily in a sexual way) and comforting meatsuit to carry around my soul (or brain, if you don't believe in souls) in. I kinda intend for my detransition to take me "halfway back" in a sense. Like two steps forward and one step back. I see myself as a woman now only cause I made peace with my body being female, but I don't really think I have an actual gender per se. I don't identify AS a woman, although in a sense I do identify WITH womanhood; as in female biology, actually natural femininity and being a lesbian.

My androgynous looks are intentional now, and I intend to rock it as well as I can. My body is solely for myself, but of course I can't and shouldn't hide completely from others just because they're not my target audience. My body is my only true home and I don't like it too plain and undecorated. I'm not a minimalist by far, I feel comforted and up-lifted by some colours, tinsel and patterns in my near presense to brighten up the gloom in my tortured mind. Looking fancy for no particular occasion, for my mental health, is a good and quite harmless type of self-care. Although perhaps not ideal, it's still far better than self-harm. Ultimately, how I perceive myself is just as a woman, and neither my transition to male nor my detransition to physically nonbinary quite reflect that, but they don't need to. But what my detransition does need is work the fuck together with my self-perception. I'm scavenging for a strategy to achieve that kind of inner team work. I know this text became really long, but I wanted to still include all that reflecting on my transition and detransition so far. Cause I wouldn't have ended up here without all those experiences. (And no I won’t make this post a “read more” thing cause I know you guys are too lazy to click on such things.)

[lethesomething]

The IkeRev Libido Scale

So this is something I've noticed playing and replaying Ray's route in Ikemen Revolution: there's no sex. (I think, I haven't unlocked all his side stories yet). Compared to someone like Lancelot, for instance, Ray is very composed at all times and a relationship with him appears to be more of the stable, comfy kind.

And I quite like that. Cybird makes adult otomes, so NSFW scenes are expected, but it's nice to have routes with their own personality and flavour. Especially since that flavour is consistent, even into the events. An older game like Ikemen Sengoku (which I also very much adore) bases the content of event stories largely on whether or not routes are out for that character. So if MC has 'canonically' become a couple with a dude, there will be hotter scenes than if she isn't (this means that even in his premium birthday stories I can't get into Mitsuhide's fundoshi *frustrated wailing* ).

But the events in IkeRev just go by the personality of the character. Which leads me to the libido scale. Some characters just have more of a sex drive than others, just like in real life. And because I'm a Scientist (note: I'm not), I wanted to chart that.

Now obviously this is not a definitive scale. IkeRev is new, there's not that many routes out and I'm basing myself mostly on the free routes and event stories (and it’s really hard to get those high score ones, you guys). We may yet learn of the hidden depths of Blanc (I'm fairly sure he's kinky AF), but for now, here's my interpretation.

 Ikemen Revolution, by apparent sex drive

Lancelot: The King of Hearts is a needy boi. Disregarding how I may feel about certain events in his route (that one spell was not cool, bro), Lancelot is one hell of a lover. It takes time to tear down his walls but once the dam has burst, so to speak, it's really burst. Both in events and in his route, you'll find a fair amount of NSFW.

Loki: His route isn't out yet, but from events and his general cameos it seems clear that this is a guy who is a little clingy, and very into heavy petting.

Jonah: I'll admit that I haven't played his route but what I've read of him so far has a certain… petulant sensuality to it. It's hard to explain. He's surprisingly playful and canonically hedonistic, so it seems clear that if MC is one of his pleasures, he'll indulge.

Edgar: Another one of those 'gotta keep it all in' people whose desires are slowly eating away at them from the inside. Once a relationship is established, his stories assume there's a fair amount of catching up on human interaction. Also non-stop friendly teasing.

Seth: This bro basically glomps you on a regular basis in a platonic way. Imagine what he'll be like once you're in a route with him. Mildly androgynous, overtly affectionate and canonically some kind of double edged sword, Seth definitely has libido.

Sirius: Ahh, the warm wise one who is extremely aware of MC and all she's feeling. His route is coming out soon (yay!), but his side stories so far have definite hints at NSFW. I'm going out on a limb and assuming his libido is fairly decent, but he's trying to be a gentleman, ya know.

Blanc: I suspect, as mentioned, that he has this incredible sexy side (he's a Rabbit, guys), but so far he just constantly flirts. Non-stop.

Fenrir: Despite what it looks like, Fenrir is a very proper boi. Waits until after the confessions of eternal love to start getting busy. Pretty chill, all things considered.

Kyle: What little content we have of him is fairly suggestive. Being a doctor, he automatically also sees a lot of bodies, and the whole 'permanent hangover' thing is probably not helping, but there's some fire there.

Oliver: What we know of Oliver shows him as having a very (VERY) sharp tongue and a tortured spirit. Couple that with the fact that he's the worst kind of tsun, and I'm seeing a lot of buried needs. I'm guessing that he'll get utterly desperate at some point in his eventual route (though even knowing that his shape changes for day or night or something, the whole idea of him still kinda squicks me out).

Luka: This is 'the innocent one'. I'm assuming he's supposed to be the youngest of all the dudes and his event stories are of the ultimate slow burn  'too shy to even look at you but so so in love' variety.

Harr: There is very, Very little content for Harr, *gross sobs*, but what there is, shows a similar kind of slow burn shyness as Luka. This man makes you god damn flower crowns while blushing, ffs.

Zero: Zero is the kind of sweetheart who will casually sit next to you watching the sunset without so much as trying to hold your hand. Very polite. Probably has enough going on in his life that he doesn't need the added complexity of an otherworldly romance.

Ray: This guy is a tease. I'm trying to think of a scene where he so much as kisses MC. This isn't to say that his scenes are not sweet (he's one of my faves), but he's just very chill. Definitely not shy about touching MC, but not feeling the need to drag her off to his bedroom, either.

[spudnikgames]

Devlog Prelude

Honestly did not expect to be back on Tumblr since the great Tumblr Sundering of 2018! (Actually I think I left tumblr back in 2014-16, somewhere around there haha) I wanted to find a space to blog about my development, a public devlog/diary of sorts. My hope is that this will hopefully help me keep motivated on what I am trying to do. I always seem to do this. I always seem to start something and never see it through to completion so I am hoping this devlog will help with that.

So I guess I will jump right into things.

So this was my original mockup for the game idea I had been kicking around in my noodle. It's a side scrolling Action Platformer Metroidvania that takes place in a futuristic environment where most people live under the iron first of a mad scientist and yet it's not a dystopian future for many. People do not suffer, they are not slaving away, in fact most people live pretty pretty good lives aside from a few freedoms missing. However there is a group who refuse to be subjugated and as such are labeled as extremists and constantly being hunted. The story is a pretty big WiP but I have the general idea of where I want to go with it. Where as my game play ideas are a lot more fleshed out.

I also very early on knew exactly what I wanted the character to look like. In fact, I have been wanting to create a character like this for a while even having done so in an old game I lost the files to a long time ago called Magic Meg. Something about a darker skinned androgynous character keeps calling to me. I don't know why, maybe it's just because I don't see it often enough? Regardless, I was pretty fond of how Kero looked and her design was pretty clear to me from day one in terms of what I wanted it to look like. The only thing you can't see due to sprite size limitations is that she has freckles under her eyes. Mega Man and Metroid have always been my favorite of games. Something about the side scrolling platforming genre always did it for me. I always seem to gravitate towards such games. In addition, I have been heavily inspired by the amazing work done by the team of Mega Man X Corrupted.

For a while I had made pretty good progress on the game engine. I was no stranger to Game Maker Studio and had been working with it since Game Maker 5 so making my own engine from scratch wasn't that hard. The basic concept was there for me. The more interesting challenges for me was figuring out the UI. Things like animating the Health Bar similar to Mega Man X Corrupted and figuring out how to do a Minimap without any references was both fun and challenging in a good way.

But... as always, I drifted away finding myself distracted with other things... like Skyrim... and then my SSD died... so yeah... Thankfully I learned quite a bit from my previous project and backed everything up to the cloud. Long story short, before this game I was working on a game called Magic Meg and my SSD died and I lost EVERYTHING. So lesson learned, always back up your work. Saving just isn't enough anymore haha.

Anyway, after a hiatus of about a year I discovered something called "GB Studio" which allows you to make Gameboy Games that can be played on actual hardware. That re-invigorated my motivation for a while as I started toying around with making the game as a Gameboy Game. It was a fun diversion but ultimately I drifted away and lost focus as well.

This rendition took more of a Zelda II style approach to deal with the limitations of the Game Boy. Honestly, in its own way I really liked this version also... but once again I drifted away.

At this time I couldn't take it anymore, I had always had focus issues but it had become so frustrating that I could never maintain my focus. I wont go into details but I have since reached out to my primary care and after almost a years worth of waiting I believe those issues may soon be a thing of the past.

So that leaves us with "Where to go from here"!

At this point I want to try to revive this project but with some changes in mind. I want to go back to the original concept with Game Maker but want to try and move from Game Maker and GML to Unity and C#. There is nothing wrong with making a game with Game Maker, in fact there are some pretty great games that have been made with Game Maker, but the new direction I want to move in makes me believe that Unity will be a much better route.

I want to make the transition to 3d, er more specifically 2.5d! I have meditated on this a lot and I feel like I would be able to do a lot more making the move over to 2.5d and working with 3d models. At this time I want to aim for something akin to a mix of Mega Man Powered up and Metroid Dread. I want it to maintain is very bright and vibrant look from the original mock screenshots but using 3d models.

I think that it could be a fun look to work with and gives me a lot of new things to learn. Switching to C# and Unity from GML with Game Maker, learning Blender, etc. It's a lot but I am excited to embark on this journey.

Anyway, I think this is a good starting point. Hopefully this Tumblr will help me maintain motivation as well as get my erratic thoughts put into word. Here is to 2023 being a productive year!

[nb-stuff-blog]

This has been frustrating me for a while but I feel strongly neutral (neither male nor female, but I feel like I have a sense of gender), but some days I feel a connection to masculinity but it doesn’t feel right to me to seriously call myself male, and I’m not sure what to identify as because of that? I dress quite masc/androgynous and sometimes I will call myself a boy or feel a little connected to that, but it just feels more in a way like I’m playing with that instead of seriously being it

Maybe look into demiboy? Or possibly genderflux, bigender, genderfluid, or androgyne? 

My advice is always to just let yourself be you, in whatever way that looks like. You don’t have to look too hard into things if you don’t want to. Just let yourself be. 

[bigendering]

(1/4)hello, i uh. i guess im just looking for some supportive words... ive been IDing as genderless for a while. when i originally learned of non binary genders, i didnt quite understand it. if there are so many genders, and people get hurt and mistreated over what they identify, and gender is entirely a personal perception of yourself, and is a social construct, why do we even have it? i spent a lot of time trying to figure out what i was too, because i realized that if all these other options-

(2/4) exist, its silly not to explore them and see where i fit in this new gender system. thinking about gender confused, frustrated, and scared me. i tried to feel my gender but i just... couldnt. i felt maybe vaguely boy, but i kept telling myself that was just me being a “tomboy”. how would i know what it means to feel like a boy? gender isnt even real! i also remember telling my friend that i felt we shouldnt even have gender. its not even a tangible thing, and it just gets people hurt. she told me “maybe the reason you cant figure out your gender and the reason gender seems so pointless to you is because you dont have one?” and it felt like everything made sense. i had a new respect for all the other genders out there. they didnt make sense to me because i didnt have a gender! i cant percieve gender, but they can! to them, they can feel exactly what it is to be a man, a woman, both, etc. everything felt right for a while. but recently i feel as though im starting to feel gender....? mostly boy, but with a little bit of girl too? yet i also still want to reject gender entirely and remain genderless. i even toyed with being trigender (boy, girl, and agender) but that label sort of scared me because its such a complex gender and clearly, for whatever reason, gender is a scary and mysterious thing for me. everytime i find myself questioning my gender it gives me mad anxiety. i hate not knowing what i am. do you have any words of encouragement for me...?

First of all, gender is scary and confusing, and you’re not alone in having anxiety over gender and questioning. Secondly, you don’t have to understand gender in order to have it. Your fear of gender doesn’t disqualify you from being trigender, if that’s you.

Questioning is nerve-wracking for most people, and for some it does give severe anxiety. That’s okay. I would take some deep breaths and focus on what you do know. You know lots of other things about yourself that aren’t related to gender. You know that everyone has a different experience of gender. You know that you’re starting to feel boy and a little bit of girl.

If you think you are feeling just boy and girl, that’s it, you can use bigender or androgyne. If you think there’s something else too, you can use the label ambonec - male, female, and neither. Either way, there is at least one word you can use for yourself.

If neither of those is satisfactory, you might find one of these terms useful:

Genderanxious: A gender that is undefined because the act of finding a label, or of having a gender, is a trigger for anxiety.

Kynigender: A gender which is not able to be pinpointed due to the stress of the questioning process causing anxiety

Nesciogender or Nesciōgender: A gender one is not completely sure of due to one’s neurotype disallowing a clear understanding of the concept, but has a vague sense of what it could be; i.e. nescioboy, nescioagender, etc.Latin nesciō "I do not know"

Nōlōgender: A term for neurodivergent people who have difficulty grasping the concept of gender. Distinct from nesciōgender in that the individual has no particular desire to investigate their gender, as doing so is overly difficult due to their inability to understand the concept of gender.From latin nōlō, ((i) do not want).

Genderdisturbed: Having a gender that you cannot or do not want to define due to anxiety, repulsion, disturbance, etc..

Gendertrapped: A feeling that one has been forced to identify with a gender that one does not want or relate to.

Peroagender: Wanting to be agender, but not identifying as agender (derived from perogender).

Quoigender: Similar to quoi- as an orientation, this term describes someone who feels that the concept of having a gender does not apply or does not make sense for them, or who rejects the concept of gender entirely as it applies to them.

I may have gone slightly overboard on the terms, but the point is there are lots of words for how you feel, and people made those words, so you’re not alone in having these feelings.

Hope this helps!

Kai