#like i literally just corrected it there with “times” AND AGAIN WITH TIMES.

[max1461]

I now feel that I know exactly what's happening. I have developed a model of this condition that has been incredibly predictive, but:

it seems to defy all medical logic

I struggle myself to believe it, even though it keeps being predictive

The alternatives are basically psychosis and PTSD, because those seem like the two conditions that could make me think I have a predictive-but-medically-impossible model, when in reality I'm just suffering from some kind of delusion. But three neurologists and two psychologists have all dismissed psychosis, even though I've asked them all about that possibility several times (because, fuck, on priors that's a lot more likely). I still think PTSD may be involved somehow, in light of the fact that this seems to be praying on my greatest fears, and there is a flashback-like element to it. But it would need to be a symptomatically very atypical manifestation of PTSD. Not impossible.

Here is my model:

I have such a vivid memory because I associate sensory information with body movements/sensations, and can re-trigger the sensory information by repeating the body movement. I guess this would be some type of synesthesia?

The body movements are tic-like, in that they're often involuntary and can be triggered by sensory stimulus that is related to the one they encode. Whenever I remember an event, these movements trigger and allow me to re-experience the sensory details.

The experiences are vivid but internal.

If the tics is interrupted by other sensory experience, that gets layered on to the original experience it encoded. Mostly when these tics happen though, I am sufficiently absorbed in my own mind that external data is not written to them.

At the dentist, I was making a face which encoded complex sensory and emotional information, due to the nature and content of the panic attack I was having. When I got the anesthesia, my nerve or something got frozen half way through this tic. Uncertain if nerve damage or psychological artifact of the experience.

Thus, I became stuck in a state of perpetually experiencing the emotional and sensory content of that panic attack.

My body keeps trying to "complete the tic", by twitching my face in a certain way. However, it can't. I have repeatedly felt the tic try to go off in my face, I feel some of the twitch and an intense straining sensation, with a feeling that I am about to exit the dream-like state I am in, but the tic fails and I remain in this state.

Because of this, two things happen. Any experiences I have get written to that tic, which feels strange and stressful (because of the intense emotional content encoded there). This explains "the mush".

Also, because the tic can't happen, it tries to come out other places, in other body parts. This explains why I keep feeling the same pattern of movements elsewhere in my body, which feels proprioceptively wrong and foreign because that's supposed to be my face. It feels like it's my face, even it's in my stomach.

By going off in these other places, the tic acquires sensory information associated with them, which is why when it tries to go off in my face again it's weirdly "deformed"—by these other body parts!

The tic is currently settling into a new center of mass(?) in my stomach, so it keeps feeling like my and other people's faces are there.

The tic has a distinct "deformed part", which proprioceptively feels bulbuous and pulsating, and a "correct part", which proprioceptively feels like a series of facial twitches

This corresponds to the correct part of my memories and the mixed up part, which I tap into by directing my bodily focus. When the tic is happening, I can literally get more correct thoughts and memories by focusing on the non-deformed part.

Because I am stuck half way through the tic, and my mind is not used to being there that long, I am experiencing all this hyper-vividly, like hypnogogic hallucinations. I do actually get imagery almost this vivid for short moments as tics are going off in ordinary life, but this is stuck that way.

The "hole" in my thoughts is whatever physical part of my body, presumably in the upper throat, is failing to activate and allow the tic to complete. This is why focusing on the whole, or trying to push the correct thoughts through, often causes me to gag or throw up.

It's something like that. I don't know how that could possible work but this has been so predictive of a model that it's hard to ignore. What the fuck do I do about this?

[junkspam]

I feel like so, so, so many people are so, so against transandrophobia and say that the theory and discussions of it are all transmisogynistic and they're all MRAs, and I would love to not fall down the wrong path, so I go searching and searching and searching for posts where people talk about transandrophobia in their attempts to debunk it and tell people how it's wrong, etc. But I feel like I'm reading words with no meaning, none of it ever seems to make sense to me or get through to my head or actually change my feelings or opinions.

And, like, I'm quite severely disabled! My disabilities directly make it difficult for me to understand and wrap my head around things, especially when complex academic language is used. Like I have actual language and communication barriers that make these things hard for me.

And I have always fully understood, known, and recognized that just because it doesn't make sense to me, doesn't mean it's not correct/true or something, doesn't mean it's wrong. That's precisely WHY I'm so adamant about knowing that I need to read what everyone is saying on all "sides" of this discussion, because I am fully aware of this fact!

But I feel like a huge issue is because it feels like there's an extreme gap in what people talking about transandrophobia are talking about and what people who are against transandrophobia are talking about. And people who are against transandrophobia never really actually focus on the ACTUAL things that people talking about transandrophobia are saying.

Like, "they're saying that trans women oppress trans men" literally who is saying this. If there's like a few people saying this genuinely, sincerely, then yeah, that's horrifically transmisogynistic and incorrect. But I literally see with my own two eyes that people are literally not saying this, they are saying the literal opposite and are actually time and time again stating this over and over because people keep claiming they're saying that. But people KEEP saying that they are saying that! But I am literally SEEING and READING with my OWN TWO EYES that people are saying, over and over again, the EXACT OPPOSITE, and it makes me feel crazy. Like, am I missing something? Is this just me?

Just for once, I wish someone would actually sit down and take the time to go through the actual posts in transandrophobia tags and take the time to go through them, screenshot them, link them, talk about them, go over the posts and actually debunk the actual things that are being said.

And I feel like I keep asking people this and I see dozens of others doing the same with no responses more often than not.

And of course there ARE posts out there that people have made that talk about transandrophobia! That try to talk about how it's transmisogynistic and try to "debunk" it and I read these posts, I've read a lot, and each and every time they fall into one of these categories:

Regurgitating and trying to "debunk" things that people talking about transandrophobia literally are not saying (like with the "they're saying trans women oppress them" example). I see this the most often, I see these types of post more often than any others.

The OP says and has said things that are incredibly hateful and transphobic towards and about trans men ("trans men are theyfab whiny babies one step from detransing and becoming terfs", "transandrocunts", *insert "jokes" about CaveTown*, etc.)

It says things and/or comes from someone with opinions I vehemently, strongly disagree with and fully know are wrong/bad opinions/beliefs (the amount of transmedicalists who are against transandrophobia... The amount of ace/aro-exclusionists... The amount of biphobes... Need I continue). I simply don't trust your opinions about LGBTQ+ rights and LGBTQ+ issues if you don't even think asexual people are oppressed or can't seem to wrap your head around the concept of, like, a bigender lesbian who is both a man and a woman.

I cannot understand it (is it my disabilities? Something else?). I read it several times over. I revisit it and re-read it if it happens to come up again at another time. I still can't understand. I still don't get it.

It screenshots a post that I've never seen before that is extremely obviously transmisogynistic to me. Like, if I had seen it in the wild, I would immediately know it was transmisogynistic. These types of posts are some of the least common ones I see, but they happen.

And then rarely I do actually at least learn something from a post. But not often and not in any ways that have, like. Changed my opinions about transandrophobia.

Is it just me?

[flossylove]

Ahhh okay back again! I realise I literally have not been keeping up to date with my spam messages, but who cares, only I'm reading these to myself lolol.

So. THE CLIPS TONIGHT!!

OMG where do I even start? So I was working during the day, so thankfully time flew by for me - I actually couldn't imagine having to wait around all day, I would've gone crazy! I was so looking forward to tonight, because I'll be honest - this remake is definitely my favourite! Maybe it's because it's my first one I'm ever watching in real time, but I genuinely feel it's more than that. They've made so many positive changes (like, in my opinion making Roko less toxic than William first was), and the cast is just so incredible in bringing the characters to life!

Nora and Roko are so easily my favourite Noorhelm remake by far! Their chemistry just feels so real and authentic (and yes I understand that authenticity and reality is literally the core of SKAM, but some remakes just weren't able to achieve that, in my opinion, but these guys have!) Maybe, also, I just find them to be one of the most beautiful Noorhelm remakes too - sue a girl!!

Okay, back to the actual clips! Firstly, I'll be completely honest, when we got the 22:05 clip with Maša, and she was talking about someone not calling for 3 days.....I genuinely thought it was about a girlfriend! Turns out, nope! Just her mum! But still, I believe in queer Maša being canon. It just works, u know? Also, Nora being such a sweetheart in that clip? Ugh love love love her. My heart literally hurt to see Maša crying, like, please no, I already love her so much. Already I feel she's spoken more words than Linn ever did!

Now onto the 13 MINUTE CLIP!! OMGGGG! Like, I already knew/was hoping it'd be a long clip like in the OG. But, once again, SRAM just outdid itself! I really do love how many one shot scenes there are. Like, I don't think I've seen anyone else talk about that? IDK, maybe some people have and I just haven't been seeing it at all hahahaha. But I noticed it so much in Season 1, and I'm really glad they're keeping it within the filming style! It really adds character to SRAM being it's own thing as well. I feel there's too much to even talk about with that clip but ahhh - Eva and Nix? Hello?? Love them! Nix picking Nora up? And that comment about expecting her way earlier (just goes to show that SRAM is making an effort to actually build Nix and Roko's friendship. Like, in the OG, I swear sometimes William just wouldn't tell Chris anything, like, IDK, to me that never made sense! But in SRAM, we know Roko actually talks to Nix about Nora - which, ugh, I love, such a loverboy!).

I feel like they kinda brushed over Vanessa this clip? Like, she was there in the photos, with both Eva and Tina, and I think Nix too? So like, did she leave with Tina? I guess it makes sense, cos they live in the same neighbourhood, but the fact none of the girls even mentioned her was just....iffy Idk. Nothing too deep, just something I noticed.

Ahh, one thing I just remembered! Right at the start, when Eva introduces that guy to Nora, and says about it being funny if he was called Adam instead. I loved that little throwback to the OG. I don't know if anyone else figured that, but I immediately was like OMG! In OG SKAM, when Eva has the date (the one that happened last Friday, or at least was supposed to? before it fell through? The one Nora lied about being busy for!) it's with a guy called Adam, and Vilde makes the funny joke about them being Adam and Eva. At least, I think that's correct and I'm not going crazy...

Either way, onto the important stuff - Roko and Nora!! I've said it before, and I'll keep saying it. Their banter, their chemistry, the way they bounce off each other so naturally and get the same jokes, just really makes them so enjoyable! Like, yes OG will always have a place in my heart, but, like, sometimes, it felt as though William had no personality. No laughs, No jokes. No smiles. And I get it! The whole 'broody, but only smiley for the right girl' vibe he had going did work! But, like, we're 10 years into the SKAM remakes now, and I'm just really glad they made this change and gave Roko a solid character build-up. I hope I'm making sense hahahaha

I didn't even notice, cos I was too entranced by Nora's singing, but he actually joined in at one part? Okay, maybe that's an exaggeration, but he does do a little something, before he then starts playing on the synth? keyboard? idk. And he sounded good! I really hope there's a chance for us to see more of that in the future. Some people reckon that instead of it being an essay/article that William helped with, it'll be a song, or a musical project - and I'd really love to see that be true! Also, just a side bar, in the OG, I feel like, once again, with us getting minimal characterisation of William, the guitar was a little random. Like, it was just never mentioned again? I'm pretty sure? It's been a while since I did a Season 2 rewatch, but I just remember always thinking how that felt like it came out of nowhere, and then was never mentioned again? Hahaha. Whereas, like, Roko being into music, being a DJ, has been a key point in this storyline so far.

So, we've mostly covered the clip but still, I just wanna touch on how easily Roko was able to pick up Nora's slight discomfort about singing in front of him (for real, rather than just messing about) and he so quickly just backed away so she was comfortable. Like, that man is for one woman, and one woman only, and her name's Nora. Like, he is so down bad for her!! Which, ugh, as a single girl who's never dated, it's so refreshing, in the big year 2025, to see a representation of a guy not being afraid to have a crush? And yes, I know, like, he's still a teen boy, he still has flaws, and unfortunately his character is fictional, but still, I am loving getting to see him smile at her softly, and take her beauty in and just quietly appreciate her.

Can u tell I love them so much??

Okay, now finally onto the last clip of the episode!! SRAM finally broke their Saturday no clip rule! I don't even think it was/is a rule, they just never seemed to post on Saturdays. Like, at all. Although, saying this....maybe they did in Season 1? And I'm just being silly? IDK, it's too late for me right now and I should be sleeping but I needed to get these thoughts out!

Anyways, we got the clip!! I was so scared we weren't going to get anything following the end of the 13 minute clip, but I kept adding the clips together and was like... 'we should still have 3 minutes left of the episode???' so I wasn't giving up all faith on the sleepover clip!! And I'm glad I didn't!! Once again, I loved - but are we surrpised?? No, not really hahahah

I'm just really loving the way SRAM is putting this storyline together. Like, yes, do I wish I saw what happened in those two-ish hours between the clips? Hell yes. But, I also love how it wasn't all shoved together. So, I am simply living in my own delusion and saying that they spent all that time playing around with the synth and just messing with each other!

Sitting here, rewatching the clip for the 7th time already (note, it's only been 45 mins as I'm typing, since it got uploaded), I just. No words. Love it. I really liked how it started with a reasonable scenario, of Roko sleeping on the couch, but then Oh No, What A Shame, It Smells Of Beer, Guess He Better Sleep In His Bed Again!! And Nora's reaction? Girl, I see you.

The little barrier, iconic as ever!! Their banter about Vito too? The reach-over and breaking of the barrier, was such a small thing in this remake, but once again, I feel it really worked with the scene and Nora and Roko's characters. The physical contact will always get me! I am a physical contact girly, so you can imagine my reaction when in the clip before Roko touched Nora's waist!!

When Nora says she doesn't know how to turn off the light, the way the camera angle was looking, I genuinely thought we were gonna have Roko lean over to turn it off for her. Which, I get is unrealistic hahaha, but I would've loved it. To maybe have seen Nora panic a little as he got closer, get a little flustered... idk - I just can't wait to see Nora when she finally lets him in and fully embraces her crush hahaha

And I really liked how they did it so Roko lies in this version! Now hear me out! I don't condone lying haha, but this was such a little funny lie, about Vito being out with some chick. Like, Nora knowing he was fully lying and making it up, but instead of leaving and getting angry she just stays and jokes with him too. Like, Your Honour, they are in love. They both want to spend time together!

Roko's little smile as he says "You do like me a little." and looks over at her. Beautiful. Absolute Cinema. And the call back to 'Robi' at the end. I really hope they keep including this as a little inside joke between the two. I mean, Roko seems more than happy to respond to it!

The. Way. Roko. Moved. The. Pillows. And. Moved. Back. So. He. Was. Closer. To. Nora. Need I say anymore??? No, I didn't think so. It was so sweet to watch!!

Now finally, and I mean finally, promise I'll be done soon! I really recognised the piano track playing in the background as the camera started to spin around them. It's absolutely a famous piece, I just can't think of what one right now (it's so late, I need to be up in 5 hours this isn't good for me hahaha). But I really love it! And the camera moving - ugh! LOVED IT!

I don't know if anyone will think I'm crazy, but I kinda hope we get a clip tomorrow? Like, with them waking up. I know we won't, because we've gotten the whole episode in these clips. But, I could just imagine the little transition between clips. Like how they did in Season 1, with them panning over the bed with Eva and Jakov. From night to then the morning. I really loved that a lot last season! Made the transitions a bit more fun!

Like I said, it won't happen, but maybe in the future? In a possible future clip? IDK, this is me now just projecting hahaha

Okay, I think I'm all SRAMmed out for the night, so I'm gonna finish this here. I doubt anyone has even made it to the end, but if you did then wow, thank u for dealing with my ramblings! At the end of the day, I'm just a girl with too many thoughts in my head and no one to talk to about SRAM in real life hahaha

~ floss <3

[bread-wizards]

I think that Orym actually does doubt Imogen, but this isn't a thing that is unique to Imogen. Orym doubts all of them to an extent, because paranoia is something he struggles with (and this is continuously reinforced by the story).

It's not a 'good' thing that he should never get over, nor is it an immoral character flaw that proves he actually hates Imogen. However it's also not something I think he can get over as long as the threat of having to possibly fight his friends exists.

"I have all the faith in the world in you guys, all of you. And I have also spent time thinking how to neutralize each of you."

[bowiestarzzz]

God I genuinely don’t get why people hate Nightheart so much. Every reason they have is they’re actually just angry at the authors not at Nightheart lol. Like you’re allowed to hate whatever character u want but I just saw a comment saying the fandom should scalp every Nightheart fan alive and it’s like woah okay. Jesus he’s just a cat dude

[icewindandboringhorror]

Recent-ish things ~

[zakiyah]

.

[transmandrake]

Bruh

'These sounds are very rare in languages'

'These sounds are common in disordered speech'

I wonder if these 2 facts have anything to do with each other.

[ghostforwhat]

when you’re off of work would you please elaborate on your hannibal service top agenda,,, please my family is starving

i don’t want anyone to starve so obviously I will extrapolate on the service top aspect of Hannibal Lecter o7!! I am going to get so carried away and I apologize in advance.

Alright going to start this off by saying I do think they’re vers but only in regards to each other, I think for canon relationships, Will has a tendency to allow himself to be directed while Hannibal loves to orchestrate. With each other, though, it grows increasingly and alluringly complicated. Arguments could be made and subsequently thrown out depending on what part of the show you’re watching and post fall is an entire free-for-all because you can’t tell me two grown men survive murder-suicide via cliff and then settle into the puritanical rigidity of who tops and who bottoms.

Okay that being said, honestly i could make the case that both of them lean more toward making sure whoever they’re with is getting the most out of the encounter (maybe for different reasons; the popular trope of Will’s empathy causing a sort of blissful feedback loop and in Hannibal’s case, it stands to reason the politeness overlaps with a challenging sort of hedonism, he’s in control and playful about it) but I think that specifically for Hannibal, Will’s reactions are what he’s constantly seeking and then hoarding. Like. Will responding to stimuli that Hannibal presents is basically the premise of the show and Hannibal very clearly gets off on that, maybe not anywhere explicitly but we see shots of his pupils dilating, his gaze always caught on Will, licking his lips, all in response to Will reacting to him. It’s very rare he’s outright hungry at the beginning of a conversation or interaction, he seems to maintain a sense of aloofness until Will snarks or baits or replies or even defers and then, it’s as though he’s desperate to see more. I'm not getting into the whole them eating meals together because I'll devolve very quickly but like. just keep in mind the way Hannibal watches Will eat, as though he savors Will instead of the meal he cooked. Right. Okay. He gets caught up in Will’s responses very quickly, enraptured and almost stupid about it and trying to immediately trigger more which!! Goes hand and hand with him doing very uh lets say unique acts of service (the malewife jokes are only half jokes); the breakfasts & dinners, the driving, the caretaking. Yes all that’s manipulative but to Hannibal, that doesn’t negate that it’s still getting him the responses he wants and that’s also maybe why he’s so quick to say they’re friends because he’s viewing it as a form of relationship building and quite frankly, that is the only way that man knows how to build relationships; he sets himself up as a crutch and then breaks your leg and unfortunately at that point, for Will, for Jack, for Abigail, for Bedelia, for Chiyoh, you are too grateful to be standing that you forget he’s the reason you can’t do it on your own. The others I mentioned learn either very quickly or very (in painful irony) rudely that he is only a crutch as long as he enjoys it, as long as he can benefit from holding you aloft.

However. In Will’s case, he tries to remove himself and finds that it’s him who can’t stand and he’s immediately resentful and desperate to take back that ability, leaving another gift, another act of service, for Will to prove that he can still provide it and detrimentally putting himself on the map for Jack and Mason in the process. He’s so eager to have Will’s response, he waits at his own fucking crime scene. Will gives him what he wants and he’s too overwhelmed to respond with any sort of power or immediate selfishness, he runs again. And then. Muskrat Farms and his surrender. I feel like I don’t even need to explain why that backs up my case here, that man is so so ready to rescue and then surrender all because Will’s involved; two things he’s never done in his entire life, they essentially reduce him to this almost pathetic thing and it doesn’t give him pause at all because again, they’re acts of service whether Will wants them at that point or not. Like Bedelia said it best, he’s obsessed, he wants every reaction, every word, every sigh and curse, he’s very single-minded about getting them and he doesn’t care who he has to hurt, himself or others, to get them. Now, combine all that and the cliff scene and tell me that man doesn’t spend every second they’re in a bed together completely and utterly focused on Will and Will alone.

[hypokeimena]

it's so absolutely insane that the FR devs seem to be completely unaware that they are hitting the trust thermocline with the userbase re: recently (again) pushing really big art changes four months after release, after promising a hard 45-day window on significant alterations. like the issue isn't whether the art is good the issue is this is like the third time this has happened in the last few years. maybe fourth. how many times do they think they can do this before it seriously impacts whether new releases will continue to bring users (back) to the site.

[followerofmercy]

Came to the devastating realization that most of my fandom bitching is just "I don't like writing that misses the point of everything important about a character." Scalding hot take, I know.

[moe-broey]

I don't think this is Moe's first offense (saying something brazen/flippant) but I do think it's the first time it's called the King a bitch. And it won't be the last! The funniest part of Anna being the one to take charge and chew Moe out is that it gives Moe the opportunity to do The Exact Same Thing to Alfonse one-on-one (you know... to test the waters... to see how he feels about it....). Which it is. Also promptly chastised for.

FAVE PANELS...

[machinavocis]

lifehack protip c / o my amazing weird house:

you know that thing where it is Scrub All The Hardwood/Tile Floors Day & you need to make like, those Multi-Towel Walkways/Barriers between each room's mopped/unmopped sides..? (lest someone inevitably either slip on the Unexpected Wet &/or track Dirty Floor Grime right back onto the newly established Clean Floor Zone..?)

well.

have you considered instead simply having four front doors.

[unproduciblesmackdown]

omgg lol [guy who won't stop going "more like scapeGOATED" voice] now hold! on!! lmao [same guy just saw encanto voice] Hold on!!!

[mihai-florescu]

The thing about being a bitch and a hater is that you need to be charismatic about it for people to still like you somehow. And most importantly you need to be a poor little meow meow people will want to help see win.

[mummer]

"sara snow" as if that could have ever been a real name. get real. That is a drag name