#like i fully had a mental breakdown after not being able to figure out a tech issue and proceeded to hang up the call

[twinknote]

it is times like these when i become painfully aware that i am So autistic and mentally ill

[genericpuff]

Was your Kore/Persephone portrayal inspired by dissociative disorders? I interpreted it more as her dark internal monologue that she was suppressing. Like when you have dark thoughts of know things inherently, but try to rationalize your way out of thinking them. I figured it was just a more dramatic way of portraying intrusive thoughts.

Ahh this isn't really a question I can answer with a simple "yes" or "no". Especially when considering everything you just listed are often inherently symptoms of many interlinked mental disorders like DID and BPD haha (especially when it comes to the suppressing).

As I mentioned in my previous post I've been writing these types of characters for years. Uzuki is a big one that comes to mind. I love writing conflicts of the self, mind vs. reality, identity vs. instinct, past vs. present, etc.

CW: BLOOD/GORE, GRAPHIC VIOLENCE, DEPICTION OF TRAUMATIC BREAKDOWNS AND DISSOCIATION AHEAD!!!

(note the black and grey pages are read right to left like a manga, this was from my weeb days LOL)

It wasn't until years later after I was diagnosed with ADHD and autism that I realized my love for those tropes was rooted in something far more internal. Sure, sometimes a trope is just a trope, but now I fully understand why I've found myself pulled back to that trope time and time again, because I myself have struggled with a lot of the same internal conflicts that characters like Uzuki and Kore have struggled with. It wasn't just me loving a trope, it was me finding solidarity and representation in characters who shared my experiences, even if they were largely hypothetical or for the sake of creative expression.

That realization came long before Rekindled, of course, but it hit me like a sack of bricks when it did, as any realization of an undiagnosed disorder tends to do after years of thinking you're just "broken". That said, it's allowed me to explore these topics with even more nuance and understanding, while also pointing out my own weaknesses and blind spots in the pre-conceived notions I had about myself that I was then able to challenge once I knew what was really going on. It was still challenging as it was so personal, but it ultimately made me a stronger person and a stronger writer.

Skip to the future though with Rekindled, everything I just explained is why I was so interested in LO's AoW plotline to begin with, because a lot of it played to my own interests in those sorts of characterizations - consequently, it was one of the plotlines I wanted to overhaul the most when I started coming up with the basis for Rekindled, as I was disappointed that it was forgotten about over the course of S2 and completely retconned by the trial arc. In a weird way, it almost feels like all the time I spent working with characters like Uzuki was preparing me for a character like Kore/Persephone. And conversely, writing about Kore/Persephone has helped me harness my skills more which I can take back with me when it comes time to continue Uzuki's story.

All that said, mental disorders and neurodiversity were never "inspiration" to me when I was learning how to write and/or designing these characters, but that didn't make them any less intersectional. It was more like something that just came naturally to me as someone who is neurotypical and has diagnosed mental disorders (I am my own worst inspirations LOL) and I wanted more characters like that who weren't just automatically "villains". I try to always treat them with care to ensure that I'm being kind to both the characters as well as myself as someone who heavily relates to these experiences, but I'm also not really afraid to express the more "ugly" sides of those experiences either. Especially with characters like Uzuki who are largely problematic to their core in their actions - much of those actions, as I would learn about myself in my own healing journey as well, are often spurred on by a lack of care, empathy, and understanding in their unique struggles.

There is so much I'd love to say about Kore and Persephone's characterizations and what led them to this point, but I got about a paragraph in before realizing that it would be WAY too massive of a spoiler LOL I'm really, really excited to get into it - though nervous too - but I hope that, at the very least, readers can have patience for her as she goes through everything that's on the horizon. There are times it may get ugly, even outright bleak, but that is simply one side of the coin that represents her duality as a goddess - the dreaded Bringer of Destruction, and the merciful Goddess of Spring.

[manic-sapphic]

~oh, just catra leaning full tilt into a mental breakdown of proportions on par w total planetary destruction. so, just another tuesday. don't worry about it~

corrupted catra is still such an interesting figure to me and fun af to theorize about. i mean, how tf did catra know adora came through a portal? no one told her that shit in their actual reality. i'm pretty sure it's not an uncommon theory that she's drawing some knowledge from the planet itself after being exposed to the portal magic.

but i almost view it kind of like, similar to how much of the first ones tech - such as light hope or the crystal castle itself - can almost be seen as possessing a sort of sentience able to both read thoughts and store knowledge, so could the portal itself. cause catra wasn't the only thing corrupted - the portal was from the moment of its creation. everyone knew it would be in some way or another; that's why they tried to stop catra from pulling the lever.

and based off the reality it creates, almost all of it reflects a reality we see catra actually enjoys - the polar opposite of the reality they'd all just left. and after every other character we see lost to the expanding entropy of the corrupted reality is gone for good - catra is the only one who crawls back out.

i view the corrupted portal almost like a sentient entity itself that catra created when she opened the portal, however unintentionally. it gives her the reality she wants - the one she misses - and when it all falls apart along with her, it's almost like maybe cause of her connection w this entity as it's accidental creator, it fused w her in such a way not only she - but this portal entity itself - could come back to finish what they started.

this time, armed with all the knowledge stored by the planet itself - which doesn't seem too far-fetched of a concept, given that (as we find out later) the magic of etheria has been essentially being mined and stored by first ones tech all this time. and the portal was created using a combo of etheria's magic and first ones tech - the sword.

just some thoughts i've had about it that i'm sure others probably have as well.

also though, i included the few seconds after adora punches out corrupted catra as a gif cause while her expression is angry right after she does it - it quickly falls to one i see as a sadness. she knows she had to do it, but she wishes she didn't. probably partly from seeing what had become of catra that made her have to do it.

which also kinda kills me when i think of the prior episode, Remember, when adora and catra are in the woods and adora says to her "this can't be what you wanted!" the saddest thing about that, to me, is that it's honestly not. but at that point, what catra wanted was something i dunno if she even fully understood; but either way, she just felt she knew that she could never have it.

[furiousgoldfish]

How do you continue to function when you're so burnout for decades long it paralyzed you from working properly? Ngl my life is a whole mess after 10 years trying to survive from my abuser. and I still don't know how to get back on my feet again without having a mental breakdown several times a week and feeling suicidal on top of it

and I'm too ashamed to talk about it to people, i did talk, they were understanding at first, but that doesn't stay long. You can only cry and whine once, after that, you're burdening them with your loads.

They'd say you continue fighting no matter what still and I do, fight still everyday in my life even if it's getting up from bed. But what I can't do is going to work, I just can't, it doesn’t help that i experience abuse too from the place i work at, had to quit abruptly at one occasion after the boss got physical with me

In this survival state, I mostly earned money from freelance job (and obviously it's not enough)

Everyone I'm close to is very frustrated with me because I didn't seem to be healed even though it's been this long. What I learned from it is that not to bring up my pain ever again and have to pretend I'm doing fine because that's what my family and friends can tolerate. That kind of isolation kills me, as if they didn't consider that i want to be healed too. no one else wants to survive my trauma more than me. I just don't know how and I can't see how it's possible.

Yeah I relate to this! It is very scary to be expected to be able to work and live independently while you're barely holding it together, unable to get up from bed.

I can only share my experience of this, and maybe it's not that helpful, but I want you to know that it can get better, and that people are wrong for expecting you to suddenly be okay after the experience of torturous abuse.

When I escaped, I had enough money from freelancing saved up so I could just rest for a few years (it was stressful, being scared the money would run out), but I was able to indulge fully in resting and not getting up when I didn't want to. I spent years just laying in bed and trying to work trough the trauma and get the feelings of pain and terror out, and it worked to some extent, I started feeling a little less tired after three years!

I started working very infrequently, odd little jobs, helping neighbours for a bit of money, helping the disabled people or cleaning when I could, and it would just be a few hours of work, and I'd be completely drained after that. But again, giving myself plenty of space and time to rest helped me a lot, and then later working on my osdd also helped me restore some of the energy.

I can work only 2-3 days a week now, for a few hours, and it's enough to survive in poverty, if I don't buy anything, so this is what I do. I'm lucky that I'm able to share my bills and rent with roommates and make my own food, and that I'm so used to poverty it doesn't specifically bother me. I still get sad sometimes that I can't have an actual real job and live more safely, but I'm alive, I'm not tormented, and I spend a lot of time resting, and just tell people 'I'm sick' if they ask questions.

I think freelancing, doing a few hours of work infrequently or just slowly letting yourself recover until you can do something for a bit worked great for me, but I also understand it's not something that will work for anyone. If you're stuck not being able to save up, or work enough that you could pay even a part of your rent, that feels debilitating and scary, it doesn't let you plan for the future, it doesn't feel like you can even complain to people as they're unwilling to listen. I am so sorry for what you're going trough, it's legitimately a bad situation, and it's only natural for you to struggle like this after so much abuse. I believe you need to have as much rest as you need and if one day you get a little better, you might be able to figure it out, and if not, I hope at least people take you more seriously and understand that this is real pain, real fear of losing a future over abuse.

[sky-scribbles]

Playlist for my Aeor longfic

I failed to figure out how to do a fancy spotify embed like the kids do but uh. Here's the playlist for Gravity!

I listened to this while planning and writing, and there are even a few shout-outs to the songs in the fic... Songs are arranged chronologically, so you should be able to hear the story happening, hopefully :'D

Further yelling about song choices under the cut!

A Matter of Time - This one is... sort of the fic's opening titles in my head? I wanted to start out with an instrumental, to capture the vibes of the months before the fic opens - Essek and Caleb apart, thinking about the T-Dock, and each other. Wondering. Waiting.

Horse to Water - Essek in Chapter 1, knowing his life as the Shadowhand is ending, waiting for Caleb to come and take him away to whatever comes next. (I'm normally very picky about not putting songs that reference modern day stuff on fantasy playlists but this one's vibes were too perfect)

Dear Fellow Traveller - Two wizards heading into Aeor together.

Conquest of Spaces - A song for Aeor. A dark, beautiful city, the remains of a people who lived by greed and power. (And two wizards in the ruins, trying to draw closer to each other.)

Neptune - This is mostly for Essek's breakdown in chapter 5, as he worries he'll never break out of his Shadowhand manipulation, wanting to be closer to Caleb and not knowing what that would even look like. And it's a little for Caleb in chapter 6, too, grappling with his feelings for Essek and his fears that they'll ultimately be bad for each other.

Please Don't Say You Love Me - ... and as they move past those fears, this song is for them tentatively acknowledging what they might be to each other. Not yet. But maybe soon.

Woodwork - This is for the chapters 6-9 span, as they learn more about Brashaar's plan. The pressure of a crisis has an odd way of making them realise just how deep their trust and care for each other runs.

Two Evils - Since we're at the point where Brashaar shows up, she gets a song now! This is pretty much her internal monologue during her confrontation with the wizards (though she really should have paid attention to 'if you're not careful, you will lose her' in reference to Quaera...)

Winter - Travelling northward, and yearning. Wishing they had more time.

Mind - A song for a young Quaera, slowly forming a personality, wondering about who she is and how her identity forms...

The Tower - ... and having their own breakdown.

What Could Have Been - I love me a good villainous breakdown, and this is a song for Brashaar's. This is how I imagine she feels during the final confrontation, raging against the gods, against Caleb and Essek, against Quaera after they turn from her. Not quite able to let go of what she thinks Aeor could have been. What, in her eyes, the world is meant to be. (As a bonus, I think the second verse sounds a bit like a retort to her from Quaera...)

Everybody Wants to Rule the World - This is such a fun cinematic cover, and I can't tell you how many times I've imagined a mental AMV of the final battle with Brashaar set to it :'D

Ori, Embracing the Light - I wanted an instrumental here too, because... Essek is dead, Caleb is in shutdown, and Essek and Quaera are communing with the Luxon, a being that doesn't really speak with words. Also, 'embracing the light' is exactly what Quaera does at this point.

Would That I - I know we all use this as Caleb's 'learning to live and love again' song... and I am no exception. This is for him after the T-Dock, finally fully acknowledging his grief, and his love for Essek.

First Day of my Life - Just two wizards realising that they have a future, and agreeing to slowly work at what's between them.

Ready to Call This Love - This one speaks for itself, honestly.

Five - Both of the wizards in the final chapter, but especially Essek realising how isolated he's been from the world, and letting it all in so he can feel it. (Also, studying the universe is a love language - )

Gravity - Gravity is a metaphor for love!!!!

[burgerrat]

@hofnarrofficial said: gimme everything you got just bury me alive (only if thats possible ofc lmao)

Ok.

Turbo's favourite movie is Herbie: Fully Loaded

He has ALWAYS been flamboyant/effeminate like you see King Candy being. I hate seeing people portray Turbo as this perpetually grumpy/angry bitter person all the time all because of the revelation scene being the one 'real scene' we have of Turbo in his original form. The reason why Ralph wouldn't recognize the similar behaviour pattern is because he didn't know Turbo well enough since he rarely ever left his own game unless it was to go to Tapper's to have a root beer and brag about winning to anyone who'd listen (mainly Felix). Need a 'draw/write Turbo being silly and goofy like King Candy is' solidarity.

Contrary to popular belief, he does like the color pink- he just has a very specific preference for that particular salmon shade of pink.

Turbo and the twins all had racecar beds to sleep in back in TurboTime.

Candybug's desire to take over the entire arcade at the end of the movie is his new cy-bug coding speaking; all Turbo has ever wanted is to race again and be in the spotlight. He would struggle to control his bug instincts not just in terms of resisting beacons of light but also in terms of acting upon intrusive thoughts in general. Mix that with anger and hopelessness that he'll likely never be able to drive again in this new form and you've got the perfect recipe for disaster, because what more does he have to lose?

Do not misunderstand: I too dislike the trope of 'he's just misunderstood' since that is far from the truth, but that doesn't mean he can't have moments where you feel empathy for him (at least in my case): you are programmed to be the protagonist of your world, the best, that is your sole purpose in the life you have. You become addicted to the attention you recieve- foolishly not thinking once that it's possible that may not be the same thing tomorrow. Once that is suddenly taken away, you don't understand why- you're the best. And because you are the best, instead of processing your losses normally, you won't let go. You're instead determined to take back what was rightfully yours. By any means possible. Making the biggest mistake of your life- you kill not just your neighbors but your own home out of impulse. You are to blame for the choice you took- guilt becomes rage, rage becomes bitterness, bitterness becomes calculative; why cry over spilled milk? The damage is done, and your code is desperately crying out to do what you were made to do: race. All you can do is start anew... don't dwell on the past if you want to have the spotlight again, processing your mistake doesn't matter anyway; and so, once a new racing game is in town- you'd be frothing at the mouth to hop in after decades of isolation, wouldn't you? You'd do anything, if you were that desperate and awfully selfish.

This leads us to the following: Turbo had a mental breakdown during his years of isolation, mainly because he was unable to race; this is why he laughs and giggles no matter the mood he's in as King Candy. It's a form of tic.

This might be a bit OOC? But whatever. Hilariously enough King Candy is a somewhat decent(take that with a grain of salt, I'll elaborate in a moment) fatherly figure: he treats the SR racers like they're his adopted kids. I say somewhat decent because of course he completely excludes Vanellope and because he picks favourites; Taffyta, Rancis and Candlehead are his golden children and because of that, he's sometimes willing to swallow his pride and let them cross the finish line before him.

Taffyta is VERY competitive and sometimes will get unreasonably aggressive to win and that's something KC admires in her because it reminds him so much of himself and the bond he used to have with the Twins, especially when competing. Another reason why Taffyta bullies Vanellope is because she knows King Candy dislikes her wish to compete and she feels like this is something that would please him regardless of his approval of it.

Again maybe kind of OOC-ish but I sincerely don't think Turbo outright hates Vanellope herself like. As a person; she has done nothing, but she does pose a threat to blowing his cover and he is not going to allow her. The one thing that bothers him a lot about her is her stubborness to race and always finding a way to weasel into the Random Roster Race. During the tunnel scene where he straight up becomes violent towards her, you can tell she's never seen him this angry to her before; this leads me to believe he never blew up on her before because, regardless of how much of a threat she posed for him; in his mind- he figured she likely would never really be in a situation where she would actually cross the finish line, and she's just a child, so why bother? Of course. That is until she sprints right past him on the race track and the rest is history. (And I have to clarify again I AM NOT justifying his actions; there is no 'justifying' any of it. This is an observation because of the reactions/expressions/etc. seen in the scene.)

Writing that previous hc reminded me of this and I just had to include it because I can SO see this happening 😭 it's hilarious and wholesome in a way.

I saw something about this on @king-crawler 's blog and I feel like I should bring this up bc it rubbed me the wrong way: I donno about you but to me, Turbo programming himself as King of Sugar Rush is not ego thing (not the main reason behind it at least!); it's to avoid suspicion in general within the game because ALL of the SR racers are children. It would be suspicious and really fuckin' weird to have a character programmed as an adult that isn't an NPC/side-character like Sour Bill or the donut cops to just be among them like nothing, regardless if he wipes their memories they (or other candy subjects) will question it. He's not stupid, in the game there's supposed to be a royal figure, no? So, it'd make perfect sense for that figure to be a supposedly 'wise' King that looks after all his subjects and makes sure rules aren't broken. So to me it's less of something done out of selfishness and more of just being able to go by unnoticed, he programmed himself as King to fit in with the whole 'monarchy' concept within SR. At the end of the movie when Vanellope says she doesn't want to be a princess, you get a little glimpse of how much the candy subjects depend and rely on a 'higher figure' to function.

As King Candy, he believes himself to be cute. (adding this side note just in case bc I shit you not this is genuinely something people have argued and mocked me over: don't come at me for this. I have my opinion, you have yours and I'm not going to change it for you; as a fan for a whole decade who has known in tge past other fans, there ARE people that find him cute as I do /gen /lh) He shamelessly indulges in that and he WILL use that as a manipulation tactic to get what he wants- sometimes playing with your emotions as well by tugging at your heart strings and overall painting himself to be a 'frail silly old man' in sn exaggerated manner so you'll give in to whatever he wants- and once you agree suddenly the 'frail' old monarch has an outburst of energy and joy, completely shedding off this fragile-pitiful facade.

Turbo has somehow rescued the Turbo Twins before his game was unplugged and I have evidence to prove this:

He has their codes tucked into his own (bad example I know but kind of like how an opossum mom keeps her joeys in her pouch); he keeps them in a dormant state this way by not allowing them to have separate code boxes of their own. The reasons behind this are simple: he doesn't want two characters that very obviously don't belong in the game to roam around freely, he has enough trouble with Vanellope as it is; and he knows that if he lets them awaken and respawn, they will criticize him for the path he chose to go down- and he doesn't want to deal with that because, for him, it would be pointless and it'd only bring frustration he doesn't need. He would rather keep them as ghosts of the past hidden in his pocket.

Speaking of Vanellope: Turbo is awfully envious of her driving skills, she's the first racer that has bested him on the track. Another selfish reason why he doesn't want her to race- goodness forbid a child beating you at what you're passionate about and arriving in second place.

When overly emotional- be it positive or negative feelings- King Candy would sometimes temporarily glitch back to his original form as Turbo because his code is old, filled to the brim with stuff, it's bound to have a few crack and tears here and there, like an old but still functioning car with a rusty engine; this issue has only accentuated after the glitching-exchange during the tunnel scene.

Speaking of which- because there were little to no censorships in 70's videogames, Turbo bleeds. It's pixelated blood because it cannot be processed through the programming of Sugar Rush since the game was not made to have any graphic themes in it. If one of the racers gets hurt- they quite literally just bleed coding.

Turbo often smokes.

Turbo sometimes gets sick of eating nothing but candy and will send out Sour Bill to get him something salty to eat from another game. He has his own little stack of junk food and other non-sweets within the castle.

He's not just the King of Candy, he's THE LORD OF THE DANCE! (watch at your own risk I warn you /hj)

CURSED JOKES ASIDE I unironically like to think he is a good dancer. Nobody beats him at tap-dancing and The Bus Stop. (He's from the 70's so it'd make sense he's familiar with a lot of funky/disco dance moves)

[anns-works]

Ok so i've got something that yall would probably hate me for. But ive been holding this simmering pot of angst for a while and the first thing i was taught is to share, so suffer with me.

New ROTTMNT AU:

Rather than being the only one out of his brothers to survive in the no-good-very-bad-horrible future, Leo is the only brother who dies.

Okay okay okay.

But i personally like to think that after the krang come out everything goes to shit in the bad timeline everyone goes oh fuck and start teaming up right? Human yokai cryptids mutants– none of that matters as long as you got eachothers back.

And after the initial stumbles the brothers start their active participation in the resistance.

Heres the thing.

Leo is genuinly terrifying at coming up with a plan. Kid went toe to toe with motherfucking Big Mama and came out victorious. Big Mama, as if the most terrifying yokai crime boss Big Mama. Kid came out with a smile. Its safe to say his strategies were incredibly effective and it kinda pissed off a couple of people.

Military dude 1: I can't believe i'm following a plan made by a 16 yo mutanat turtle.

Military dude 2: Your just upset the kid called out all the flaws your plan had in less than 2 seconds flat.

But the one pissed off the most were the krang. This tiny insignificant insect was able to somehow keep the resistance 3 steps ahead. So naturally, they went to take him down first.

It took a while but eventually they managed to isolate Leo. His brothers were fighting up a storm but the krang got too much and so they had to leave. Without Leo.

About a week later which involved a lot of crying and screaming, the krang brodacast a live footage of torturing Leo (my boi) before krangyfying (did i spell that right) him.

And now the krang have leo on their side. Leo, who knows everything there is to know abt the resistance (hes a gossipy bitch but thats only cuz its important to have the intel) so they are in deep shit now.

And he was a zombie for a while guys. Fighting against him always had people dying and his fam having a mental breakdown.

Eventually they take him down, but at what cost. (One of the brothers killed him. cuz angst. And now the question is who is the MOST angst) Also, Leo is the first person to die in the resistance. (Ouch)

Casey rools up and has no fucking clue who Leo is (ouch) or why his mom wanted him to take up the role as Casey's dad (HC: Cass took one look at tge record of Leo's victories against his brothers in the lair games, strategy skills and medical knowledge; and declared that he would be Casey jr.'s father. Leo was incredibly touched)

But for some reason. For soME FUCKING REASON. Kid is so much like Leo its scary. His family is near tears everytime they see him act like that. That one time he made a shitty pun and Donnie started crying.

Well its probably due to the blue imaginary friend he has that he calls Bluey. Yes we're going towards that direction. His everything comes from being influenced by the cool older brother figure he has as an imaginary friend. (Cuz of ✨Mystic Shenanigans✨ Bluey is still stuck here. Mikey is the only one who can also see him. But he cant. Cuz hes depressed)

Also without Mr. A-Ninja's-Greatest-Weapon-Is-Hope I feel like shit gets really depressing in the resistance. Everyones sad. Baby casey is sad to see everyone sad. So he asks Bluey's help and picks up his general style of humor. Angst shenanigans.

And. AND. AND. During the whole peepaws time travel back after the movie montage (I am a aimple woman w/ simple need) these depressed hunks see this tiny version of their blue brother still covered in bandages and not fully healed from the krangvasion, and their immediete reaction? Protecc.

Leo is confused abt a lot of things. The future version of his brothers that got spat out of nowhere. Casey and how that worked w/ their Casey. The blue projection of HIS angsty future self (who is pretty cool btw). PTSD. You know, the works. At this point my guy is just vibing, and honestly? The story picks up a pretty chill pace from there. Its all abt healing now baby.

So thats the rough outline of the au. And it might sound like a fucking add but heres more abt this silly little idea that came from my silly little head. -> You'll (Never) Never Be Alone

[lumilasi]

So I initially had a very different idea for the extra member for this group - and I will still make that one too, once I figure out what look to go for - but I had an idea for my space crew's main story that goes beyond Stefan's situation, and also ties Nadiya into it better, giving her more personal stakes than just being the Captain.

Now she's not just helping her close friend with her goal, but she also has her own reasons for it. Also yes, Illya and Nadiya are twins. ALSO, I think I wanna give Nadi a cybernetic arm too now, that'd be cool - and serve a story purpose in relation to her brother...

IDK if he'd appear in the MW crossover bit of their story, I feel like it'd be a bit like dropping the final boss of a game to the beginning third of the story? At most, maybe Curly and Anya might sometimes see glimpses of him, as their minds would be more vulnerable and thus easier to access...

More info about Illya below:

Illya's skintone used to be the same as his sister's, and you can still see the healthier pink tone around his eyes.

He suffers from chronic babyface as his sister used to joke; despite being 34, he looks like he's in his early twenties; he was often initially mistaken for Ava's Intern by the patients at the ship for example.

He used to be the head medic for Nadiya's ship, but due to a major accident and a mental breakdown resulting from it, he was taken in for intensive care by a specialized organization.

It turned out this group was conducting unethical experiments and had clocked Illya as a prime candidate for their "Nexus" program; they essentially turned him into a reality bending cyborg against his will, and made his mental struggles much worse in the process......

He was rescued from the facility he was kept at by her sister's friend Ava Moreno a year after he was committed; this happened the same day he'd finally snapped from the trauma and mental strain, his unwanted powers going haywire and causing a lot of chaos and death.

This was the same place Stefan Wilk was kept as part of another project, and Illya in fact did meet him and even communicated with him a lot with his telepathic abilities, because he'd seen his sister's friend in his mind.

Illya was Cherry Yun's mentor figure, but she took over the medic duties fully once it became clear he's too unstable and dangerous to be taken back into his position. They could not get him the usual means of help either - like therapy - because his current state was just too volatile to even attempt it.

They'd need to find a way to first stabilize his powers as well as "return" his mind back to his body properly instead of being stuck in-between Nexus and "reality".Illya went to cryo willingly, realizing this fact.

However as his Nexus Alter wanders, he's begun to forget this and other details about himself, which has caused him to slowly grow bitter towards his former crew and sister.

Illya used to have similar personality to his twin sister Nadiya, being highly intelligent, clinical with tendency to bend the rules to his liking if he believed that benefited the end goal, being VERY good at his job and being very reliable friend/mentor.

However, unlike his sister, Illya was more neurotic, suffering from undiagnosed OCD that manifested most strongly with fear of "not knowing enough" and therefore having something horrible happen under his watch, causing him to study obsessively just about anything he was interested in, to the point he'd neglect his own wellbeing. (He did also have the more commonly known symptoms like level of germaphobia, obsessive need for order, etc)

While his body is in cryo, due to how his powers function, he is able to project himself into people's minds, or sometimes take over the ship systems, hence he's often called the "Ghost in the Ship" by the crew.

Nadiya's warning about eye-contact relates to the fact that this is how he gets into your head properly; the projection you may see is just bait, he sinks his claws much deeper via eye-contact.

This is due to the version of him existing outside his body, in the in-between dimension dubbed the Nexus, and he can manipulate things from there to an extend (though he's not as powerful in this ghostly form as he would be awake with his human-cyborg body)

The only member of the current crew that can't see him is Mara, being the newest member who never met him personally; he tends to ignore her for the most part and thus doesn't project himself into her mind. He might still prevent her from injuring herself occasionally by taking over some of the nearby systems or turning them off.

His ghostly version can still be dangerous and volatile, which is why Ava has told the crew to mostly ignore his presence if they notice it, because interaction with him could trigger a violent fit.

Of course this can backfire as Illya feels abandoned by the people ignoring him, so it is a matter of balancing act; they need to analyze what the ghostly entity's mood is, whether interacting or not interacting is the safer option.

The person he tends to be the calmest around is Cherry, his former apprentice. She is also the safest when talking with him, as she's not very likely to provoke an angry fit from him.

With Nadiya it is a hit-or-miss situation, as they were always close, but he was also envious of how calm and stable she was in comparison.

He likes to mess with Stefan's head a lot due to him being more susceptible for it, with what Ava theorizes is his warped, twisted way of trying to "help" him to gain more control over his condition by exposing him to it over and over. (This is not something Illya would do in his right mind, back when they were in the same facility his communication with Stefan was much kinder and level-headed)

He rarely appears to Matthew, as they didn't interact that much, and had primarily a professional relationship, where Nadiya considered Matt her friend.

[erigold13261]

this might sound weird, sorry, but uh how exactly do u write a character’s struggle with their gender (ex.: trans umbrella) and/or sexuality (gay, bi, etc.)?

Made this a lot longer than I meant to, so putting it under a cut. I hope it helps since this is how I do it.

Actually, I realized I kinda didn't answer how I specifically write characters struggles, just how to do it. So basically, for me, I pretend to be that character and just allow myself to have an identity crisis.

Don't know if that actually helps, but I have such a weird fucking relation to my gender and sexuality that it helps me figuring out how a character might react to figuring out their gender or sexuality.

Anyway, under the cut is a lot more information that might help you figure out how to write a character struggling with their gender or sexual orientation! Hope it helps!

Make them confused and experiment? Or make them in like denial or something like that? That's what I would do.

You can also give them imposter syndrome if you want. That can be something people struggle with. Honestly just picking one thing can be a good start since some people only struggle with one part of their gender while others struggle with it on an entirety.

Even just making them ignorant can be a good starting point on why someone is struggling with their gender or sexuality.

For an example I can use 1010 for you, though their struggle with gender comes mainly from being robots and not humans, since I am a human writing them the feelings can be seen as something a human could have.

Haym is a version of imposter syndrome. For him, it's because he was given a male body even though his first body and code was for a girl. So technically he is trans, but he never went through any of the struggle of being trans and feels like calling himself transgender is lying to himself and others.

This can be seen as something an accepted and/or passing trans person could feel. Like a trans woman who who was fully accepted by family and is able to pass as a cis woman might have these thoughts that she never truly struggled and so isn't "trans enough" to actually be in the community.

Which isn't true at all, but because she feels like an imposter (like how Haym feels) then it creates this sort of grey area about how the trans person feels about themself. They are happy to be being their true self, but also feel guilty and afraid that they aren't really trans or haven't suffered as much so they tend not to celebrate their transness or won't participate in queer spaces because they feel they don't belong.

Another situation could be whatever the fuck Purl-hew has going on. They put their safety and comfort of everyone else about their own opinions and feelings.

Purl was a girl who was forced to be a boy, never felt like either because of his robot nature, and so just constantly struggled with the idea of being queer at all, but also never wanted to explore that because they felt they would be alone and isolated.

Even after the rest of 1010 came out as queer before Purl did (even though they were the one to first have any queer thoughts at all), now Purl wouldn't want to come out because it would look like following a trend but they also had the whole "there has to be someone NORMAL in 1010 or else we will die" mentality.

Purl felt safer in normalcy and routine. So breaking out of that routine and safety to be their "true self" was not something they were willing to do until they were forced out of their comfort zone/the closet. And the only reason they were forced was because being in the closet for so long seeing how other people were having fun and being happy by being their "true selves" was so mentally painful for Purl that they just ended up having a breakdown and saying their thoughts about their gender to someone (pretty sure I have it so that it is Zuke that Purl confesses to first).

But before Purl ever even thought about being any flavor of queer legitimately, they were experimenting (with drugs, alcohol, and sex) with the excuse that it doesn't matter because they are a robot. So technically they aren't queer at all.

This is kinda the mentality I see straight men have when they have gay sex. They will say that this doesn't matter because they have a wife and kids, or that because it's a one night stand or a paid prostitute that it doesn't actually count as gay sex. Or even because they are the one penetrating that it doesn't count.

You can have your character try to justify why their queer actions aren't actually queer to have them be in denial of their identity even when they are absolutely experimenting with their identity. And even when they realize that something is wrong, you can have them go into full blown denial and have them jump away from their coping actions or even dive deeper into them if you want.

Even after Purl came to terms with being queer, they still had plenty more to explore about themself. It doesn't always just end when you say you are trans or a lesbian or something like that. You continue to grow and explore yourself to see what is more right (or to see if you have changed over time).

Purl was able to figure out that they were asexual but just with a high libido because of their experimentation. They are probably also more closely tied to agender-ism but prefer the nonbinary label even after all of this time.

Which is another thing you can do. Experiment with labels and show a character's preference.

Haym uses the term bisexual even though he could very well be omni or pan or whatever else like that. Rin uses genderqueer even though it could be agender or libramasculine. Purl doesn't care to be called trans but doesn't mind being called nonbinary even thought nobinary is under the trans umbrella.

You can also a character just be wrong about themselves to show them changing. I'm sure Zimelu for the longest time identified as bisexual before and after she came out as trans because working on BOTH sexuality and gender identity can be difficult for some people.

Like even though Zimelu always liked girls and only girls, I can see her saying she is bisexual because there was one boy that looked kinda attractive to her and so she immediately thought that meant she was bisexual. And once she realized she was trans, now she kinda believed she would have to be bisexual because of a "women are supposed to like men" mentality.

You can have characters just be wrong about themselves and struggle to realize WHY something feels wrong to them. Zimelu, who struggles a bit with being feminine because she was basically built to be "masculine" in a way that shows "negative" emotions such as anger, bluntness, other stereotypical "male" emotions, thought that she would have to be bisexual because she was trying to fit into a more "standard" role by pretending to be heterosexual.

When Zimelu was a man, she could just say she liked woman without a second thought because that was "normal," but as a trans woman, she feels like she has to force herself to like men because that is what a "normal" woman would do.

Thankfully she was able to figure out that she only liked women by just having thoughts about being with a man that felt wrong. So Zimelu never really experimented with being with men. Though that did pose the struggle for Zimelu on whether to call herself straight or a lesbian because she didn't know if transing her gender would affect that label at all. So she tends to use WLW or sapphic probably.

Even with just gender stuff, Zimelu for a bit after coming out did the whole 180 thing where she tried to be hyperfeminine to make up for her "natural masculine" tendencies. This could be a good way to show an identity crisis of someone being fake and not being their true self.

Let's say you had a super badass guy who could kicked anyone's ass and drink anyone under the table. He could build anything from scratch and was your stereotypical man. But then she realizes that she is trans and goes in the complete opposite direction because she feels like she NEEDS to be this way to be seen as a woman. She hates it because it's not who she truly is, she still wants to build stuff or fight people, but those things aren't "lady like" so now you have a character who is having an internal struggle to follow society's standards for gender norms or be true to herself and act similar to how she was before.

Same thing for transmen who start acting like a stereotypical man, trying to overcompensate for their years of being a woman. This is basically an exploration of gender, which is good, but if the trans person ends up keeping the mask on and not being their true self, you can show a real identity crisis as well as a gender crisis as they learn to unpack all the learned cisheteronormative culture they were taught from childhood.

Another thing you can do is to just show ignorance of queer culture in a character. Like Neon J for the longest time didn't have the words or connections to queerness that a lot of modern day people have thanks to the internet. He grew up in a time without internet (or very rare internet for personal use) so he was completely blind to the queer culture that might have been around him but hidden.

He was walking purely on instinct of who he was. Though he wasn't one to really hide who he truly was, but he also thought that everyone wanted to be the opposite gender or likes both sexes. He was ignorant to cishetero-ness as well as queerness. He had no idea why he wanted to be like his big brother or the other guys, or why he would stare longer at girls than the other girls in his class.

Neon J had to do some trial an error, and definitely made some mistakes, but also stayed true to himself and was willing to fight people for what he thought was his true self. He always thought he was a girl, even when he knew something was off. The only reason he even started to think he was a guy truly was when he got into a car accident and his hair and breasts were cut off.

Every time before that he was just kinda playing it off of like "yo lol, what if I was actually a guy? haha!" It was all just jokes and laughs, but I'm sure his friends kinda knew it wasn't and so just always went along with the "jokes" that Neon would say.

Tatiana on the other hand, she knew something was up as a kid and by the time she was a teen was pretty sure she was a woman. Probably because her father was the time to say things like "don't be such a girl" and so Tatiana was able to figure out she wasn't cis even without constant access to the internet or any real queer spaces at a young age.

She had less of an internal struggle with her gender identity as much as she had an external struggle with the world around her constantly telling her she was wrong, confused, just going through a phase. Things like that where she was being constantly questioned and doubted for her identity.

Honestly I sometimes have Neon in this mindset too, though he was more like this with friends, while Tatiana was unapologetically herself with the whole world. The two are stubborn people who are willing to be themselves, but to different degrees.

Neon needed the accident that basically gave him free top surgery to start being himself truly against the world, but he also needed to break free from his past entirely and so moved away and never looked back. He couldn't be around people that knew him before he transitioned because he wouldn't be able to be his true self as easily as he could be with strangers who never knew him as a woman.

Tatiana on the other hand was fighting pretty much the entire time to be her true self and so was okay staying in contact with people who knew her before she transitioned. She also never looked back with her family (which was just her dad as she barely saw her step mother or half brother as family) but did stay in contact with other people who did know her when she was a man.

Both of these characters show external struggle, with Neon also showing a bit of internal struggle while Tatiana was more of a "this is who I am, I am going to change and make it everyone else's problem" kind of struggle.

You can really show all kinds of struggles with characters figuring out their identity. Even having them be sure about one part of themself and questioning another.

This is something I have a lot of asexual and/or aromantic characters go through because trying to see the LACK of something can be harder than actually seeing something in yourself. It's why a lot of asexual people start off saying they are bisexual or pan or something, because they think since they have the same reaction to everyone, that they must be attracted to everyone (not knowing that it was no reaction that they were feeling).

Like Tatiana and Eloni both are asexual (with Tatiana being aromantic), but are totally okay with their gender identity. Tatiana was sure she was a woman, but struggled a bit with relationships. At first she thought she just wanted to grow her band up, but even having one-night-stands and stuff because of her high libido didn't really give her the fulfilment she thought she needed (and just having sex/high libidos are definitely something a lot of asexuals have a hard time grasping. Even non ace people sometimes think if you are asexual that means you can never have sex at all or else you are lying about your identity).

Eloni on the other hand was trying to force himself into a relationship as soon as possible basically because he thought he needed that to complete himself (which was something 1010 pushed for so long that honestly all of 1010 thought this way, that you literally NEED someone to complete you, which Eve also told them was true as well since she believed it too).

Actually, speaking of Eve as well, she kinda falls into the ignorance category but not in the sense that she doesn't know about the queer community, but in the sense she doesn't know about herself. Even though she explored herself thoroughly, and always tried to dive into her mind, she still didn't KNOW about who she was and what she wanted. She couldn't figure out what was wrong with her because she was looking for herself in other people instead of within herself.

You can always have a character just refuse to look into themself, or to refuse a part of themself. Either because it is too much work and they don't have time, because they are scared about what they might find, or even that they are indifferent and just don't want to unpack all of that right now.

I mean, fuck you can have a character KNOW something is up but refuse to look into themself because they just fucking hate themself and don't WANT to try and be happy. Show a character getting toxic with themself and going in the opposite direction of what they think they might be.

Like a man who might be gay or trans just ends up embodying the hyper masculine dude-bro persona and becomes super homophobic and/or transphobic because of his internalized hatred for himself. This would be a good character to work on deconstructing world beliefs and helping them heal from whatever fucking broke them enough to make them hate themselves.

You can even show how them healing and finally being able to accept themself as who they truly are could lead them to apologizing for their actions and possibly inspiring someone else to change as well (you can also just show them changing and apologizing but not getting like forgiven, which is not a gender/sexuality thing, more of just a story plot point, but just know if someone changes their gender or sexuality it doesn't negate every bad thing they did because they were denying that part of themself or because they are now queer that means they are free from criticism).

Even going in that direction, you can show struggles between the queer spaces, like how a lesbian might not like a transwoman because she has a dick or won't trust a bisexual woman because she slept with men/is in a relationship with men.

How binary trans people might shit on nonbinary people, or how asexuals and aromantics are seen as not queer enough (bisexuals and trans people too if they are in a "hetero passing" relationship/are passing). Bisexuals are told to pick a side, microlabels are told they are doing too much, nonbinary people are seen as a "third gender" or "woman lite" (which honestly opens up a lot of good story struggle idea explorations for masculine or amab nonbinary people and how they are treated in the community).

I am realizing that these ideas I was giving recently are more external struggles rather than internal struggles, but that could be a reason for someone to have an internal struggle.

Someone could be absolutely sure of themself UNTIL someone comes along and questions their identity. That spark of doubt or hatred put forth can end up sowing the seeds of questioning your identity, or at the very least realizing you have to fight for your right to be present and accepted.

There are lots of ways you can show someone struggling with their gender or sexuality. You can mix and match what they struggle with vs what they are confident in.

Have someone be okay identifying with a different gender, no problems there at all, but they are afraid to use neopronouns.

Have a passing trans person wonder if they are still trans because they don't struggle anymore (or even someone who is passing trans and refuses to identify as trans because now they just see themself as the gender they identify as, which itself can be a whole struggle they went through to get to that point).

Have people experiment and get mess. Give them regrets for what they did or have them realize what they experimented with wasn't for them but they were happy they tried it.

Have someone realize they are actually gay and not bisexual. Or even that they weren't actually trans and now have to deal with the idea of detransitioning, which itself is scary in how the media and queer community ends up portraying that.

Let characters make mistakes, have fears, have wants and desires. Try to put yourself in their shoes if that helps at all! For me, that is why I end up making a lot of asexual characters, I am ace and want to explore that with characters.

Honestly, a LOT of the reason I even explore so much queer headcanons and stuff is because I want to explore my own sexuality and gender. I have no idea what I really am still. Other than asexual, I am still trying to figure out what I am.

I have a gender and sexuality crisis every couple of months, when I have this like realization that I am alive and a human being which scares me into thinking too much about myself.

I don't know if I am aromantic or just afraid of commitment. Or if I am genderfluid, librafluid, agender, genderqueer. I don't know so I just picked a label and just put my gender on the back burner until it starts to boil over then I remove it to give it some attention before putting back there to simmer and repeat all over again.

I hope this helped, I don't think it actually would have all that much since I don't feel like I went into any real helpful specifics, but if it did help then I'm glad!

Really just have fun and experiment! If pretending to be the character helps, then do that! If reading other people's gender/sexuality experience helps, then do that! Have fun and explore!

[wildermouse]

another general question for autistic folk:

how are you with working a job? do you have a job? are you able to have a job?

i finally got my first proper job at age 22, working at a big daycare with all ages of children and directly with around 8+ staff each day, but interacting with around 12-16 staff on the daily, plus around 50 children + all their parents every day. it was okay some days, good some days even, though the interacting with staff was always very draining and overwhelming for me. the best days were the days i worked alone with a smaller group of children for 10hrs. i rarely found interacting with the children exhausting, but as soon as i had to work with other staff i was just a mess of internal anxiety. i was pretty good at powering through and masking it until i got home. i was so tired i would fall asleep immediately, didn’t have mental or physical energy for any hobbies. my eating disorder got out of hand many times as well. especially before work, i would have ‘meltdowns’ or anxiety attacks or whatever you wanna call it. i would cry, i would punch myself, i would punch the car window, i would punch my wall. i was scared and overwhelmed and tired and i did not wanna work. it began to really take its toll and i started having (more civilized) breakdowns at work. i lowkey snapped at a close coworker for asking me too many questions i didn’t have answers to and broke down sobbing and had to take a break - this was during the christmas party for the kids. one time i broke down in the yard while i was watching the children because another close coworker came over and asked how i was doing. she had to hug me until i stopped crying. shortly after, i quit. i gave like 2 months notice and actually planned on going back once i’d had a few months break, but life happened and i ended up moving.

i was working there for over 2 years, which is way longer than i thought i would, and it’s now been a year and a half(?) since i stopped working, but i cannot see myself having another job. i don’t want it, and i don’t feel like i can handle it. i know all of my mental & physical energy would be consumed by it, even if it was just part time. i do make art and sell it to make some income (i’m not very consistently motivated with it, i’m still sorting my brain out) and though it sucks not being able to support myself fully financially (i still live at home, though i do pay rent) and not having financial freedom to do whatever i want, i am so much less stressed & anxious being at home doing my art. my art is something i did not have any energy for while i was working.

what i’ve learned after looking back on it was the biggest factor leading to me reaching my limit was the daily interactions with coworkers. the constant small talk (seriously, i would dread the ‘hey how are you’ ‘i’m good how are you’ constantly every single day), the trying to figure out what they want me to do, the having to call people or go find people to ask them questions. working with all those children isn’t what pushed me over the edge, it was socializing with my adult coworkers every day. + having to wake up early and have my whole day taken up by something i didn’t want to do.

for now i plan to try and be and stay more consistent with my art & my shop, and depending on my living situation i’ll maybe go work at a barn cleaning stalls & paddocks for some extra cash. i have no plans to return to a ‘proper’ job. and i don’t see an issue with this the way our society does, the only issue is this world is too fucking expensive and i can’t afford to live.

so yeah just wondering what your experiences are with working and if you do have a job and if you feel unable to work like i do

[astraskylark]

Can we talk about Weiss in V8 chapter 13? Can we talk about how amazing she was in that episode despite all the batshit crazy insane shit happening around? Like it starts out with a full on Team RWBY Vs Cinder battle royale.

Weiss is literally never still even for a second here. She's clearly learned from Volume 5 that staying still in battle for a fighter with her attack type is a bad decision so she's constantly moving over here appearing on all sides in a matter of seconds while keeping the movements of her teammates in mind as well.

She's literally mid fight here half through zooming across the battlefield after an attack and she's already setting up a glyph to boost Blake up so she can attack Cinder keeping the momentum of the fight going in the split second she needs to move across.

Weiss's fighting style often leans to support and a series of attacks rather than one heavy blow. And support is probably the most complicated role to play in a fight.

It's all about insane mid battle calculation. She has to keep track of her team's movements to perfectly time her glyphs (also deciding what type of glyph based how her teammates are moving and their surroundings) and HOW EXHAUSTING IS THAT??? Because she not only has to keep track of the opponent's movement but she's also keeping her eye on three other people who are in continuing motion looking for any gap she can offer support in??? While constantly moving on the field and launching her own attacks in tandem with the others???

The minute Ruby is falling back Weiss is already pelting ice picks at Cinder. And okay mad props to Cinder because this entire attack sequences from RWBY was hardcore and Cinder managed to dodge it all. And back to Weiss.

So we have this insane battle where everyone is mentally exhausted and then we have Neo attacking Ruby and Yang falling into the void. And I've seen a lot of people shitting on how Ruby and Weiss didn't react fast enough and let me just say they acted exactly how you'd expect them too.

I don't have the pic here cause Tumblr has a limit but if you remember the split screen showing Ruby,Weiss, Blake and Neo we can all see Blake already starts moving. Ruby starts getting attacked by a feral Neo a second later and has no time to even process any event(a running theme this volume Rubes your breakdown is coming).

Now here Weiss starts moving a literal second later. And now remember this is Weiss, master of mid fight distance calculation.

The minute Weiss turned and saw Blake she knew. She knew that judging from how fast Yang fell of the ledge and how fast Blake moved the only person who had a sliver of a chance of saving Yang was Blake. She knew she would be a second late if she tried. She knew that summoning a glyph in the event of Blake missing would be no use because she's done the math in that heated second of fear and anguish and knows that she will be too late.

Which is why Weiss Schnee master of logic and cool headedness in the battle field and emotional wellbeing off the battlefield knew what would happen a second later. She knows Yang. Weiss was the first person we've ever seen Yang be vulnerable around. And I bet the reason Weiss was so sure Blake would find her way back to them is because Weiss and Blake are alot more similar than you think. So Weiss knows. She knows the Blake Belladona would not hesitate for a second to jump into the literal unknown for Yang.

She would too. But they're in the middle of battle and Ruby is being attacked and thousands of Atlas and Mantle citizens are in the middle of a space that shouldn't exist and she knows despite how she wants too she cannot jump. And she cannot let Blake jump either because she cannot and will not lose another member of her family today. And she immediately pulls Blake literally dragging her from the surface(and this is no easy feat because we know how crazy swol Blake is and adding that with mad grief Blake is basically the strongest most impulsive person in that space right now) and you can see from that single frame that Weiss herself is so close to tears but she has to hold it together for Blake. For Yang. For Ruby.

And once Blake takes off in a rage she knows that Cinder is left with no one to fight her. And Weiss (who is probably a little traumatised after having been stabbed and almost dying because of her) she immediately faces Cinder and Weiss is frantically dodging because remember Cinder was able to take on all four of them with barely a scratch and now Weiss is facing her alone.

And I also love this because it seems like Weiss is just zig zagging her way in a frenzy but she's trying to make herself really difficult to target here. You know how they say to run zig zag when your being chased by an animal right? That's what she's doing here. She's stays in a position for just enough time for Cinder to shoot her fire and then immediately takes off in a tangent making cinder have to spend a split second trying to reorient her attack cause all her attacks shoot in a straight direction.

I included this picture because she looks so fucking cool here. She literally fights fire with FIRE and I love her stance and pose and if you've actually read this far you can kinda guess I love everything about her.

And now we see her skating up. Because she knows the advantage and how being in a higher position can help. She needs to get to higher ground. And I'd like to highlight that Weiss only takes this pathway cause at that moment it is completely empty. She assumed that people had already finished evacuating from there which is why she chose that place. But it turned out that particular door was one for Atlas and Atleasians were alot more hesitant to use the gates than people from Mantle which is why there are people still there(this might also have been a convenient plot narrative to make Jaune aware that Cinder was here, who knows we shall see)

She uses her gravity glyph to try and hinder the airborne higher ground advantage that Cinder has. And it works. Cinder is momentarily focussed on Weiss allowing Penny to regain her stance and figure out her weapon situation.

And then an Atleasian steps out and Weiss realises in a matter of milliseconds that shit she has to protect them.

And if you notice Cinder is imitating Weiss's attack here. Weiss attacked Cinder with the same Ice pick move 5 minutes ago. And Weiss has to protect herself and the now emerging Atlas citizens. And I love how it's shown that she doesn't have the time to fully summon her Knight so only summons the arm and blade and protects everyone from actually getting hurt. Also I don't know if this the first time we've seen the summoning glyph for the knight in this angle but it is absolutely gorgeous and I really want to see what the Nevermore one looks like.

And I ran out pictures but Cinder literally tosses Weiss over the edge and the only thing stopping Weiss from certain fall in the void is her own gravity glyph which she is maintaining after all of the stuff I mentioned before.

I mean we know that Weiss has the lowest stamina of the team and the role that takes up the most energy. And she's still standing and she still going to fight in the next episode.

I just-- GODS Weiss Schnee is an absolute legend and possibly the best ally to have on the battlefield. She's is a super skilled ,level headed and versatile fighter whose constant presence and observations in the battlefield are such an asset and I wouldn't be far off in saying that she's probably the smartest fighter after Ruby and there's a reason they're partners because for every wacky absolute bonkers plan Ruby has, Weiss will be there to build the foundation to launch off from. And I cannot wait to see her learn and grow even more.

[glitxhwayventeen]

The Lost One

Junhui

Characters: Junhui x female reader

Warnings: Mention’s of panic attacks, mentions of self-loathing, seemingly unrequited love, foreign struggles (Yes that’s a warning because it sucks being a foreigner and causes some shit), I think that’s it for this chapter but let me know if I missed anything!

Author’s Note: Sorry It’s even so long since I last updated! I didn’t forget i swear I’ve just been super sick and so has my daily and all my energy went into trying to keep my school work up to day instead of writing. I’m sending this update out today instead of Josh’s Heart Like Yours chapter because this one was halfway done and the easiest to sen out/finish.

Please remember that all of these chapters and the content within them are a work of fiction! They’re just for fun/entertainment!

🥀

Paved With Good Intentions Masterlist

The Lost One: Part 2

Bold- Korean Dialogue Italics- Thoughts Red- Mandarin Dialogue

Tag list- @babyminghao

You couldn’t believe yourself. You really were the fuckup your parents thought you were. How could you be this stupid? How could you not figure it out? It wasn’t like you were doing rocket science or something. You were just trying to read a god damn map. And you were failing miserably at it.

If you could even really call the piece of shit piece of paper the administrations office gave you that. It basically just told you were all the fire exits were. As if you would be able to use it for that. You didn’t even know the proper way of getting in to the building so you didn’t see yourself getting caught in a fire there anytime soon.

You were just trying to make it to your new dorm. That’s all. But the “map” was written fully in Korean and quite frankly you weren’t fluent enough yet to be able to understand the long ass words it was throwing at you with it’s labeling.

The university that had accepted you had the option to live off campus with other students, kind of like an off campus dorm room program. Accept in order to get to your new apartment, you had to find your roommate first and meet her to get your key. But you couldn’t seem to find where they said you had to meet her.

That’s how you found yourself having a mental breakdown in the middle of a campus square after having had tried to ask several Korean natives for directions. Clearly your attempts to ask for directions had failed due to your very very basic Korean language skills. Needless to say, you were pretty over the whole “moving to a new foreign country excitement’ phase and moving into the whole “oh my god what have I done I’m all alone in a foreign land” stage.

You threw your hands to your face and groaned out a few profanities in Mandarin out of habit, map closely grazing your cheek as you blinked back hot tears threatening to spill from your waterlines.

“Need some help?”

You looked up from your newly chapped hands to see a boy only about an inch taller than you kindly smiling at you. And he was speaking to you in Mandarin. Oh thank god!

“Yes yes oh my god please!” You let excitedly tumble out of your clumsy mouth all in one breath, causing the strange boy to laugh at your antics.

He reached his hand out to formally introduce himself, “I’m Minghao but most of my friends are Korean and tend to fuck up the pronunciation so, everyone here calls me Hao. I’m from Anshan.” He firmly gripped your hand, though not enough to hurt you, and reeled himself back in to await your reply.

“I’m _____. ____ _____. I’m from Shenzen. It’s nice to actually meet someone here who I can properly communicate with!” You said with a sigh of relief lacing your tone.

He nodded his head, almost amused, “First day huh?”

You chuckled, gripping his book bag that was hanging on one of his shoulders with one hand and throwing the other one in his pocket.

“Is it that obvious?” You shyly whined.

Minghao laughed again, “Let’s just say I’ve been there before. I only came over from Anshan a few years back myself. So the memories are… still pretty prominent to say the least,” He shrugged his shoulders a bit before readjusting himself in his shoes, “Now what are you trying to find lost girl _____?”

“Well I need to find new roommate in this place so i can get my keys. The administrations office told me to meet her in the johwa building- I think?” You replied, very unsure of if you had even pronounced the word correctly while gesturing your little map more towards him.

He clicked his tongue and leaned in to see the piece of paper, “Aw, I see. Well I don’t live on campus I live with my br-” He seemed to stop mid sentence to collect himself for some reason, but recovered quickly, “Friends. With my friends. But I know Korean for the most part so I’m sure I can help.”

He examined the daunting parchment before he finally looked as if he had some sort of an answer, “Ah yes. Well see this part- here?…” He asked dutifully as he pointed to a rectangular sized squiggle on your map.

“I think that’s where you need to go. I can walk you there if you want. It’s pretty close to my next class.” He offered politely.

You sighed in gratitude, “Yes I would like that. Thank you so much you’re such a life saver!”

-

As you and Minghao started to walk to the meeting point, you realize two things: 1. Was that your Korean wasn’t nearly as good as your new friend’s was and 2. Was that he seemed to be actually quite popular on campus.

Every person you passed seemed to know of or acknowledge his existence, which was incredibly weird to you because you were never someone who had that affect on people.

The constant Hey’s and Hi’s toward the boy weirded you out and just made you feel even more like an outcast than you already were. You thought maybe you had actually found a friend who got you and your struggles as a foreigner, but he seemed to fit in better than most of the Korean students around did. So much for that idea.

Though you did began to wonder if you would ever fit in like him. Probably not considering back in China people still thought you were the weirdest freak that ever walked on the face of the Earth.

But still, you figured you could dream. If you didn’t fantasize about it, you’d just end up wallowing in your own misery and having panic attack after panic attack over it.

It had happened before, half the time you weren’t even sure why. Sometimes it was for a legitimate reason like almost getting hit by a car crossing a cross walk. Other times, they would come on out of literally no where and you’d have to excuse yourself to the closest restroom to try and ride it out alone.

But as much as you disliked a lot of people, you really didn’t like the idea of being alone with just you and your thoughts forever. It was a scary idea.

So you found yourself hoping to be like Minghao as you drug on next to him; confident, foreign and proud. You found those qualities admirable in a person.

You just hoped your new roommate found you to be similar to him, or at least not as strange as you truly were, so that you could cohabit in peace.

“Well this is it!” He declared triumphantly as he flashed his hands in front of the building you were supposed to be meeting your new roommate in.

Then it dawned on you: You were meeting an absolute stranger and were going to be roommates with her. You immediately froze in place. You were completely petrified.

That small detail must have been very evident to the boy standing next to you. Because the next thing out of his mouth was, “You want me to go in with you? You know, to be sure she’s not some crazy axe murderer or something?”

Even though you had only just met him, you still knew more about him than some new stranger, so your inner fight or flight instinct kicked in and had you agreeing to him before he could even really finish his sentence properly, “Y-yes yes please. Thank you!”

He just chuckled softly at your nervous antics and linked arms with you, quickly dragging you into the lions den past the double glass doors.

-

The walk past the double doors seemed to slow time down. Your heart started to race, something you figured would come eventually once the reality of the situation hit you.

Except this time, your lungs didn’t feel as though they couldn’t inflate. This time your hands didn’t begin to shake and your knees didn’t begin to quiver. This time you felt like you were standing on top of the world. It was different and you couldn’t pin point why.

Part of you just thought that maybe a bit of Minghao’s vibrant personality had already rubbed off on you. But the realist in you knew that wasn’t the case, you weren’t that lucky.

As stupid as it sounded, it felt like your life had been preparing you for what was to come since you had been born. You just weren’t sure what it really was considering you knew for a fact that the feeling made no sense as you were just going to get your room key.

You had finally managed to find the slender girl you were supposed to be meeting up with by her newly blue hair the admissions people said she’d have. She seemed nice enough as when you first laid eyes on her she was laughing and giggling at something a very gigantic boy in front of her was saying. She was pretty, tall and had a smile that all but radiated off the walls.

But focusing on her proved to be a difficult task for you once she squeeled something out loud while rushing over to you both and the boy she was speaking with turned around with his hands in his pocket and his shoulders down.

“Oh my gosh Hao! What are you doing here?” She chirped in what you knew to be Korean, a smile still bright on her cheery face while the boy she was with followed her around like a lost puppy and stared at his shoes and shoes alone.

Minghao shushed the poor girl to calm her excitement, “Better question Jee, what are you doing here?”

“I told you dork,” She snorted at his very unenthusiastic response, “I’m meeting my new roommate the school set me up with.”

Minghao didn’t usually listen much to what anyone from the pack said, he preferred to just tune them out most of the time because sometimes they could be a bit much.

But he did vaguely recall a conversation he had with both Jeonghan and his mate earlier about needing to find a volunteer to go with her to school.

The elder was always very protective of the women he knew anyways, so when Jee came along, Jeonghan seemed to get that much worse and insisted she have a guard (or guard dog really) with her at all times to make sure she was safe.

Since Jeonghan had a bunch of homework to make up for from when he was going through rut and missed a bunch of classes, he couldn’t go with Jee to meet her new roommate like he normally would’ve liked.

He was worried for her, something Minghao could understand to a degree. Jee was just only a human after all and wasn’t very athletic. She could very easily be put in danger or get herself caught up in something bad very quickly.

So Jeonghan tried to rally one of his brothers to do it. And since most were either too busy or struggling with schoolwork and needing to do it themselves, Jun ended up being the one who was elected to take her. Something he clearly wasn’t too thrilled about given his sunken appearance.

And just like that, the lines seemed to connect in his small boy brain, “Oh shit wait! You’re who _____’s gonna be rooming with?” He mentally facepalmed himself for forgetting.

“Maybe. The girl I’m supposed to meet’s named _____, but I’ve just been told it’s a rather common girl name in China and we have a boat load of new foreign exchange students. Who’s your _____?” The girl, Jee apparently, questioned the boy you had just met at what seemed like a million miles an hour.

You realized your bare minimum Korean was even worse than you had originally thought after hearing the two speaking. You could only pick out your name and the word China out of all of Jee’s sentences.

“T-that would be me. H-hi,” You guessed as you shifted your weight from one leg to the other, no doubt looking visibly uncomfortable at the whole situation.

Jee gave Minghao a… very different, almost knowing look before he shook his head.

They secretly and wordlessly had exchanged the “did you just imprint on her” question with each other without you knowing as per their pack’s now near usual customary greeting when meeting each other.

“No Jee, it’s not like that. _____ was struggling to find her way around campus and I helped her. She’s Chinese too and isn’t as used to Korean yet.” He clarified quickly, even though he knew there was a pretty good chance you had absolutely no idea what they were conversing about.

After another beat of silence with both Jee and Minghao looking at you seemingly wanting you to speak, Hao decided for himself to break the cold ice the two of you had unknowingly created, “_____, this is Jee. She’s my b-” He stopped himself, an action you found rather odd, and cleared his throat to speak again, “My friend’s girlfriend. And the tall awkward lanky doll behind her is our other friend Junhui.”

He made gestures to the both of them, “And guys, this,” He gestured to you with his hands causing the lengthy boy behind Jee to pop his head up from staring at the ground to bore deep into your eyes, “Is _____.” You guessed (or more accurately used words you already knew to deduce what was going on in the conversation) your new friend said in Korean.

“Jun, _____’s from Shenzen too-” Hao tried to explain to the tall boy before you chimed in.

“Hey i know that word!” You nearly squawked at the sheer happiness of being able to find a word you knew being said in conversation.

And that surprising outburst that caused his brother to laugh is what caused Junhui to finally look up from his feet and toward you.

Once his eyeline finally caught up with you, you were able to actually take in how truly breathtaking the boy in front of you really was.

He had a cute little button nose, one that just made you want to stand on your very tippy toes and boop for no reason other than because you could.

His messy hair had you wishing you could run your hand along it to see if it was actually as soft as it looked floating through the air.

His smile had an underlining mischievous crack in it that you found heartwarming and his twinkling eyed made you want to never stop staring at the stars that seemed to be captured in them.

Everything about him screamed perfect to you. But instead of making fun of you like Hao once he noticed your little happy declaration, and just when you brought your hand up to shake his hand after you had shaken Jee’s with blushed cheeks, he just… turned and walked away in the opposite direction from which you came.

Which not only left standing their incredibly confused, but a little heartbroken too.

(Updated 11/29/22)

[miss-morgans-lover]

This is so heartbreaking, yet so good, my fellow Kendall lover

Below is my response, which is also a rant

⚠️TW: Abuse, Family/Societal Pressure/Repression/Lack Of Trust/Fake Image⚠️

The whole idea of her being abused is pretty common, which is unfortunate for her as a person, but makes so much sense. As you say, her stoic and perfect personality as well as the lack of mention of her parents, can easily lead to that conclusion.

As a gifted kid, she would have had pressure from most, if not all the adult figures in her life. Her parents, who want her to be massively successful, her school, who wanted to use her for her grades and behaviour.

It's also possible she was sheltered by her parents for the start of her life to harbour this intelligence.

I feel like she did rebel, but not in a big way, just small things. Things like, staying out just that bit longer, talking in class when she shouldn't on occasion, missing a competition in order to hang out with her friends (that she had very few of).

As for the repression, I don't think it is solely just her more simple/talked about emotions such as anger/happiness and mental/emotional pain, but things like her physical pain too. She strikes me as the person who wouldn't tell anyone if she was tired/overwhelmed/injured, or even dying, until it's too late.

She's a gifted child, which makes her a target for the emotional abuse she may have experienced from adults in her childhood.

When she first met Keeper, she didn't trust him straight away, not did she want anything to do with the ranger thing. In my hc, she found the pink energem on an expedition, and that was part of the reason Keeper chose her. Another reason was her intelligence, and Kendall knew this. She didn't want to be used for her intelligence again, when she was actually doing something that (despite how hard it is on her) she enjoys. But, as you said, she craves praise, she craves to know she's doing something good. What better way than saving the world. She also wanted to use her intelligence for something good.

She never fully trusted the rangers. She trusted them to a degree. I say that she trusted them with her life, but not her 'life', as in her past, her childhood. The rangers never found out anything, neither did Keeper. Chase got the closest, witnessing the only full on breakdown she ever had in front of any of them. The only thing he got from her was two words, "the pressure". Chase took them to mean the current pressure since the museum was busy. He never thought that it was actually everything catching up on her, and it's less the current pressure and more the pressure of her whole life. The thing is, Chase would have realised, had Kendall talked to him, or trusted him enough to be vulnerable around him. Chase could have and would have helped her, he considered her a sister.

Her reputation came from her intelligence, it came from what her parents and teachers created. What everyone saw her as was the perfectly crafted 'Kendall Morgan', not just Kendall. No one knew, just Kendall. G'ma Betty knew bits, but never knew the entirety of what her parents did to her since the two only got in contact after Kendall finally ran from her parents.

Despite running from her parents, she kept up the perfectly crafted image. She had gotten to the point where she didn't know how else to act. She didn't fully know what was or wasn't the real her. She had been forced to change and repress so much, that it takes her time to unearth the real her. We (as the viewers) slowly get to see this. We get to see as she slowly gains emotion as she starts to trust the rangers more. We see her stressed and happy, able to show this emotion in front of others. We see her let others take on responsibility, such as Tyler running the team, Phillip looking for the silver energem and James searching for Sledge's ship. She starts to allow others do things she previously considered her job. She lets Shelby and Riley help her with the ranger science. This is showing her relinquishing some of the control she has always wanted to keep, due to having very little during her childhood.

Had we gotten more screen time for her/more of her character, or even, more episodes, we could have seen her develop more and maybe even get properly involved with the team as friends/a family.

(incoming yap fest + tw for mentions of emotional abuse + neon genesis evangelion/power rangers dino charge spoilers!!)

honestly as controversial as misato is in the eva fandom the amount of material in "the case of misato katsuragi" that is applicable to kendall morgan is actually insane

"Because I have no Daddy; because I have to be good and not bother my Mommy. But I don't want to become like my mom; when my father's not here, she always cries. I can't cry, I can't depend on anyone else. So I have to be good! That way, maybe my father won't hate me so much. I hope. Maybe my father won't hate me if I be good."

this is me treading into hc territory but the likely reason why kendall is so stoic and controlled throughout prdc (and why her parents were never mentioned even in the presence of her grandmother) could be because she was abused as a child. she was always taught to trivialize and control her own feelings for the sake of others or her goals, which was only further worsened by her intelligence, weaponized against her by parents who wished to exploit it in order to exalt themselves as the proud parents of such a gifted child. and like any young child who has no one but their primary guardians to rely upon, who has no one to love but their parents, kendall took these "lessons" (emotional abuse) to heart and became the well-behaved, composed child any parent would want (and developed into the equanimous, deadpan, repressed figure in her adulthood that we see in the show) all at the (likely) expense of her mental health.

"But I hated my father... and I hated being a good child. I hated it... I'm tired of it, I'm tired of wiping myself clean. I'm tired of pretending to be pure and noble. I'm so tired of it all! I want to disgrace myself, to get so dirty that no one can stand it! I want to see my life and my reputation ruined!"

like any repressed, emotionally abused child raised in such a stifling environment against their will, kendall grew to absolutely hate how she was raised and yearned to rebel against the people who abused her. this could also cross into the show, having to shoulder being tech support for the rangers, having to bear the weight of expectations from people like them and keeper, and having to keep the museum afloat as its curator. a common pattern presented throughout the show is kendall being presented as someone to be looked up to. the stolid team mom who must always have the answers and always be flawless in her technology and museum affairs, or everyone else will suffer. it's as if the fear mongering that had been pushed onto her as a kid finally became a terrifying reality, that she really can't express herself as much as she wants because there are too many people who rely on her, and she's tired of it. she wants the freedom, impulsivity and spontaneity that comes with rebellion, to no longer be the noble, intelligent, phlegmatic figure whom everyone can lean on while she practically has no one. this reputation she has does not feel entirely like herself (never really did) and was pushed on her against her will. why would she emotionally want to hang onto it?

"The 'me' who is recognized is the 'me' who is performing a role in order to be appreciated, but she's not the real 'me'."

however, kendall's fatal mental flaw is that deep down, she still craves the praise she gets from those who rely on her, much like she did when she was a kid. no matter how straining this persona is on her mental health, no matter how spurious it is, she still needs affirmation. this crosses over into her being neglected throughout season 1, her never getting the opportunity to be a ranger until super late into s1 despite being one of the very first people selected by keeper to find and safeguard the energems, and essentially being the raft that keeps the rangers technically and emotionally afloat (coming between conflicts and stabilizing matters, having to constantly develop and adapt technology against sledge's monsters). kendall is putting in all this work and it's barely, if ever, affirmed until she becomes a ranger, and is barely even affirmed afterwards. kendall is ambitious but her position forces her to be stagnant. she is relied upon but barely appreciated (especially from a viewer's perspective given the neglect of her character by the writers).

i do wish to clarify that i don't believe the rest of her team intentionally overshadows kendall and aren't malicious with it in the slightest; it's her reputation as the levelheaded one that instinctively causes the others to lean on her, further exacerbated by her reluctance to reach out for help, a product of her (likely) trauma. kendall has so convincingly played this part that the rangers hardly think to ask if she's okay, assuming she's always okay. if she isn't, she finds her own way out of it because she's that capable. that's just kendall. ofc i wish there were more scenes of them checking on her since she is their close friend and ally but it's been 8 years since dino charge wrapped up & that's probably not gonna happen.

this is partially my fixation crossover brain going crazy (as i adore purple-themed team mom figures) and my anger at the amount of introspective character study and development potential kendall (as well as ivan and koda) possessed, only to be overlooked by the more conventional plotlines of other, more cliché characters.

[invisibleanonymousmonsters]

my body is a cage.

ObNeSummary: Y/N’s worst nightmare has become a reality. Her only saving grace is that she doesn’t have to do it alone. 

Pairing: Jason Todd x Fem!Reader

Word Count: 4,000+ [One Shot]

Warning: Feminist Issues, Adult/Mature Themes (NOT smut)

Y/N could feel her heart start racing faster as she studied the doctor’s office. Now she was starting to sweat as well. 

Her doctor were running late and that meant Y/N was stuck looking at the nondescript walls and smelling that sterile scent for 20 minutes. It felt like an hour. 

It was just a follow-up appointment. There was no bad news expected to be given. But that didn’t stop Y/N’s anxiety. 

Y/N finally gave up on trying to calm herself down through breathing and reached down to grab her cellphone out of her purse. 

There was a two text message notifications: one from her mom and one from Jason. 

She opened the one from Jason. 

– Good luck at your appointment today. Remember to breathe. 

Y/N smirked at the message. Jason knew how stressed out Y/N got for literally any type of doctor’s appointments. Even if it was just your usual checkup – like today – it caused her anxiety for some reason. 

Jason must’ve sent it right before passing out after patrol. 

Finally the doctor came in, making Y/N jump and almost drop her phone. She hid her scare well and quickly put her phone back into her purse. 

“Hi Y/N, so we finally got your blood work back,” she began. 

“Great. Will I be able to get a prescription and pick it up today?” Y/N asked quickly, wanting to get out of there as quickly as possible. 

“So one of the many reasons we get blood drawn before prescribing this medication is to make sure you’re not pregnant before going on it.” Before Y/N could speak, she quickly added. “You’re test results came back positive.” 

Y/N’s mouth opened at the statement. 

Her mind was going a million miles a second, trying to process what the doctor has just told her. 

When was the last time she had her period?

Why did it feel 20 degrees hotter in here all of the sudden?

This couldn’t be happening. No. No. No. This really couldn’t be happening. She tried so, so hard to make sure this didn’t happen. This was her nightmare. This was her fucking nightmare coming to fucking life. 

By some miracle, the doctor didn’t smile with joy and exclaim a congratulations. She seemed to sense that Y/N was on the brink of having an anxiety attack. 

“I remember you saying you did’t intend on ever having any kids, so I’m sure this is a lot to process,” the doctor told her gently. “Why don’t we hold off on this medication – even if it’s just for a couple of days? Just give yourself a second to process and come up with a plan.” Then she gave Y/N an encouraging smile. “When you want to make another appointment, I’ll make sure reception squeezes you in. Alright?” 

Y/N couldn’t do anything but nod – and even that was far too delayed. 

“Do you want me to call someone for you?” The doctor asked softly. 

But Y/N shook her head. 

When Y/N got out of the doctor’s office and back on the streets of Gotham, she seemed to snap out of it a bit. 

Her ears weren’t ringing any longer and the cold, winter air was doing miracles. 

‘Get to Jason,’ Y/N’s heart suddenly screamed at her. 

And just like that, Y/N went into autopilot, grabbed a cab, and gave them her address. As she watched the buildings go by, Y/N’s mind was simultaneously thinking a million things and thinking nothing at all. It was almost a buzz. 

When she got back to her apartment, the TV was on but the volume was off. Sometimes Jason would watch it after patrol and hope it would bore him to sleep. But her giant, vigilante of a boyfriend wasn’t sleeping on the couch, so that meant he was in their bed. 

Y/N toed off her shoes, tossed her keys on the side table by the door, and hung her denim jacket – no, Jason’s denim jacket – on the coat rack. 

She slowly pushed the bedroom door open to find Jason passed out on his side. His arm was reached over to the other side of the bed as if his body had searched out for hers in his sleep and came up empty. 

Y/N tiptoed to the bed and carefully slid into the empty side of the bed. 

Jason stayed asleep, meaning he must’ve been really exhausted. Usually her presence would stir him, even if it was just for a few seconds. 

Sometimes Y/N would come in here when she got back from work and take a cat nap with him before getting started on dinner or leaving to work out. Sometimes she would just cuddle with him, he would wake up and sleepily ask about her day while bringing her into his – even when she told him to go back to sleep. 

Now Y/N laid on her side and watched him sleep. 

Even when he looked exhausted and various scars were scattered across his face, Jason Todd was beautiful. 

And when he was sleeping like this, he looked so young. Y/N wondered if that was how Jason always looked to Bruce: innocent, vulnerable, forever young.

Y/N reached forward shakily and brushed the white streak of his hair off his face. His hair was getting shaggier than usually allowed. She wondered if he’d ask her to cut it again or if he’d finally listen to her and go to a barber. 

“You run your hands through my hair and I’ll be putty in your hands,” he mumbled with his eyes still closed. 

Y/N froze and stopped her combing, her hands shooting back to her chest. 

Her silence and pause made Jason’s eyes squint open. 

Those blue eyes of his were always perception, especially when it came to the woman he loved with all his heart. And as soon as they locked with Y/Ns, they immediately knew that something was wrong. 

His brow wrinkled. “You OK?” His voice laced with worry and concern.

Suddenly… Y/N’s mind and body were given the chance to release the reaction they wanted to have since the news was broken.

Her bottom lip trembled a moment before tears burst from her eyes. 

And then Y/N was shoving her face into her boyfriend’s chest. 

“Hey, hey, hey,” Jason consoled. “What happened? What’s going on?” 

But Y/N couldn’t even form words. She was fully hyperventilating. 

Her chest literally hurt as the sobs escaped. She was shaking as if it was freezing in the room, despite Jason’s body basically being her own personal furnace. And she felt like she was going to throw up at any second. 

Was that morning sickness? Or was the just good ol’ fashioned nausea?

Jason quickly realized he wasn’t going to get any verbal communication right now. So he just held her in his arms, letting her cry it out as he rubbed a hand up and down her back. 

But his mind was shuffling through all of the possibilities. 

Had someone hurt her? Did she get fired? Did a group of assholes catcall her on the way home? 

But none of those seemed like things that would upset Y/N in such a manner. 

“Breathe, Y/N. Take a deep breath,” he told her calmly as he kissed the top of her head. 

She barely gave a nod to show that she was trying to do what he advised. 

With her eyes wet and bloodshot from tears and her face swollen, Y/N finally pulled away from Jason’s chest so he could see her. 

“Deep breath,” he reminded her again gently. “Can you tell me what’s gotten you so upset? Can you do that for me?”

Y/N sniffled, really just to buy herself a second before she said it. 

“I’m pregnant.”

Jason’s body tensed. His eyes studied hers, looking for any sign that she was not being absolutely serious. 

“Fuckin’ Christ,” Jason muttered, now realizing why she’d had such a reaction. 

But then he quickly recovered, realizing that she still needed him because she was freaking the fuck out. Obviously. She just had a full-on panic attack in his arms. And she was probably moments away from possibly having another. 

“Hey,” he whispered. “Hey, look at me.”

She took in a deep breath and did as he asked. 

“No one is going to make you do anything you don’t want to. OK?”

She just stared at him. 

“OK?” He asked again, making sure she understood what he was telling her. 

She nodded. 

“I don’t want it,” Y/N exhaled. 

The words came out on their own, like she had no control over them. 

Jason winced, not at her statement, but because she sounded so desperate and scared. 

He gave her a sympathetic look and cupped her cheek. “I know, Y/N. I know.” 

Then he brought her back into his arms, holding her protectively, as usual – but protecting her from something he never had to before. 

“I know how you feel about it. I’ve always did,” he told her softly. “Just try to relax. OK?”

She nodded. 

Jason didn’t try to fill the silence. He didn’t try to say comfort after comfort. His touch did more things for Y/N then he words ever did. She needed to be held, not lectured or verbally coddled.

After a few moments, he looked down at her. “We can order from your favorite place, OK? Have a little movie marathon or finish watching that show.”

She gave him a small, shy smile at that.

“Sound good,” he asked. 

She nodded again. 

———

30 minutes later, Jason was scrolling the internet, researching Planned Parenthood locations while waiting for their takeout to get there. 

Y/N, exhausted from her emotional and mental breakdown, had fallen asleep a few minutes after telling Jason the news. 

Jason figured the least he could do is take the logistical weight off Y/N’s shoulders. All of this was happening to her and it was his fault. He knew she’d never frame it that way, but that’s how he felt right now. And he’d do anything to make it easier for her. 

But all of the sudden, the hairs on the back of Jason’s neck suddenly stood on end. 

The next millisecond, he grabbed the nearest hidden gun, shot to his feet, and pointed it at the window. 

“Relax, Todd.”

“Demon Spawn, what the fuck are you doing here?” Jason lowered the gun. 

To Jason’s annoyance, Damian jumped down from the window and into the apartment, dressed in his full Robin uniform. 

“When you texted about covering your patrol tonight, father asked me to check on you.”

Jason narrowed his eyes. “Liar. No, he didn’t.”

“So, why aren’t you on patrol?” 

“Y/N needed me.”

Damian’s body tensed. 

For as much of hard time as Damian gave Jason, he didn’t mind his girlfriend. However, the preteen would never admit to actually liking her or enjoying time spent with her. But the whole family saw it anyway. 

“Is she sick?” 

Jason just nodded, not really having the energy to compose a big lie. 

Then Damian caught sight of the laptop screen and saw what Jason had been researching. 

“Oh,” Damian blurted out without thinking. It was a very unusual reaction from him. He always had something to say.  

“Just…keep it to yourself, k?” Jason asked. 

The last thing he needed right now was Damian blabbing around about Y/N. 

But Damian nodded, not giving any further reaction to his discovery. 

———

“What’s Alfred the Cat doing here?” Y/N asked as she cradled the cat and walking into the kitchen the next morning. 

“Damian,” was all Jason provided.

Y/N laughed at his crypticness. “Did he need a cat sitter?”

Jason shook his head. “He came snooping when I told them I wasn’t going on patrol. And…Well, he’s Bruce’s kid, so you can imagine how quickly he put it together.”

Y/N’s amusement dropped when she realized what Jason was saying. 

“He brought some of human Alfred’s cookies for you, too.” Jason added quickly, maybe to soften the blow a bit. 

“That was sweet of him,” was all Y/N mumbled in return. 

“I think he was worried about you. Figured some cookies and cuddles from Alfred would make you feel better,” Jason explained. “Of course, he didn’t verbally express any of that because he’s emotionally constipated.”

Y/N managed to force a smirk at the joke. 

Silence filled the kitchen. 

“I made you an appointment today,” Jason told her gently. “Not that I’m trying to force you to do anything. You can cancel it if you want to. I was just trying to–”

“Thank you,” Y/N cut him off and dropped the cat to wrap Jason in a hug. “Thank you, Jason.” She repeated, mumbled this time, since her face was now buried in his chest. 

“Of course,” he told her before kissing her head. “Want some breakfast?”

He chuckled when he felt her nodding enthusiastically against him. 

“Your favorite?”

She nodded again. 

“You gonna let me go so I can make it?”

She shook her head no. 

“Alright, spider monkey, let’s do this.”

Y/N’s laughter filled the room as Jason somehow managed to maneuver her body so she was on his back with her arms wrapped around his neck. And she piggybacked around the kitchen with him as he made them breakfast. 

———

“Welp,” Y/N said bitterly as she looked at the building from across the street. “Don’t know how I wasn’t expecting this.”

Jason sighed as he watched too. 

There were a dozen people with picket signs. One said, “It’s a child, not a choice.” Another said, “Jesus loves you both.” One of the men had a megaphone. One woman held a box with figurines that inaccurately showed how far along the fetus would be when it’s aborted. 

“Wait here,” was all Jason said. 

“Wait, what? Jason! Jason, don’t!” Y/N hissed. 

But Jason was already halfway across the street. With the traffic and general noice of Gotham, Y/N could hear nothing. But it was clear that he was talking to him. 

“Oh, for christ’s sake,” Y/N sighed when she saw all of their faces shift to utter horror. Whatever he was saying to them had clearly terrified them. 

It only took a minute before Jason jogged back to her and offered his hand. 

“Come on,” he said encouragingly. 

“What the fuck did you just do?” She asked him. 

“I told them all of their names, social security numbers, and addresses,” Jason told her lightly. “Oh! And their top porn searched.” He gave them a glance. “And said if they even so much as looked at you, I would do what I wanted with that information."

“So…you threatened them.”

Jason tilted his head and shrugged innocently. “I wouldn’t put it that way…”

“Jason…” she groaned. 

“I thought you would be proud. I didn’t use physical violence. I’m growing!”

Y/N couldn’t help but laugh. 

But lo and behold, none of the protesters so much as faced their direction as they walked past. 

Y/N wondered how long it took Jason to memorize all that information. Did he ask Tim to hack street cameras and use face recognition to even find all of them? 

In the most messed up way, it warmed Y/N’s heart. It just showed a new angle of Jason’s protectiveness. Guess that was just another perk of dating a dangerous vigilante with too many connections and resources. 

Besides his little threat, Jason hadn’t let go of Y/N’s hand since they left the apartment – even now, as they sat in the waiting room. 

If he was anxious at all, he was doing a beautiful job of hiding it.

Y/N guessed that’s what happened when someone had the history of Jason. This was like a walk in the park for him.  

But when they called her name, Y/N looked at Jason with slight panic. 

“I can’t go with you. It’s against policy,” he told her softly. “But I’ll be right here when you get out. OK?”

She nodded. 

He must’ve learned that when he was doing all his research. 

“You good? Huh?” He whispered, keeping eye contact. 

She nodded again. 

“You’ll be fine,” then he kissed her. 

Just as Y/N reached the nurse, she turned to her boyfriend again. “I love you,” she mouthed to him. 

“I love you too,” he mouthed back. 

———

Y/N had been drained when they finally got back to their apartment. 

All she wanted was to take a nap with her boyfriend. 

A couple hours later, she had finally had the energy to stay awake. 

But neither of them had any interest in getting out of bed. So instead they stayed cuddled close.

“How are you feeling?” Jason asked her. 

“Physically or mentally?” 

“Both.”

“Physically, fine mostly. Some cramping. They said that was normal. But my period is ten times worse.” Then she sighed. “Mentally…like…I’m in control. Does that make sense?”

Jason nodded. 

“And relieved. Fuck,” she half laughed. “I can’t tell you how relieved I am.” 

“I’m glad.”

Then Y/N smirked mischievously. “Are you sad you won’t see me wearing those stupid overalls with a baby bump,” then she dramatically fanned her hands, “as we have a montage of us painting a nursery?”

Jason laughed at that. “OK. Well I don’t live in a fucking Lifetime commercial.” Then he smirked. “I’ll take the overalls without the baby bump, though.” 

She giggled at that. 

“But it’s a real shame we couldn’t have a gender reveal party and burn down all of Gotham accidentally…” Jason thought aloud. 

Y/N tried to suppress a smile, “…you do realize the point of those parties is to reveal the baby’s gender and not to burn a city down, right?” 

“Well, fuck.” Jason played dumb. “The only appealing part of that was the arson.”

“It would’ve been funny to fuck with people, though.” Y/N’s eyes went distant as she thought about it. “Put in black balloons or just a rainbow assortment. And just see how everyone reacted.”

“Missed opportunity,” Jason sighed. 

“Why are traditions so stupid and embarrassing?”

They both laughed. 

“I’d have to suffer through a stupid baby shower. And then you’d get to come in at the very end and just wave at everyone. Men really got it made, huh? Just show up, and everyone applauds.” 

Jason laughed, knowing she was absolutely right. Enough of the Justice League had kids for him to know that was how it worked. 

“Like those videos where dads do their daughter’s hair and everyone loses their mind and praises him. But name one time a video has gone viral of a mom doing her kid’s hair.”

“The bar’s low,” he reminded Y/N. 

But then Jason watched Y/N’s smile fall from her face as she got lost in her head. 

“What?”

Her brow furrowed. “Do you think I’m a bad person?”

“What?” He gripped her chin. “Absolutely not.”

“I don’t feel bad. There’s no remorse,” Y/N mumbled with as her eyes zoned out. “All I feel is weight lifted off of me.”

“Hey,” his voice was low and serious. “Hey, look at me.” 

He waited for her to do what he asked. “You’re not a bad person. You hear me?” 

Then he started making himself angry with the thought that anyone would ever tell Y/N otherwise. 

“You know what a bad person looks like? Someone who doesn’t take having a child seriously. Someone who makes that decision half-assed, knowing they’re bringing a child into a toxic environment or that they can’t properly take care of them.”

Jason made himself calm down. “That doesn’t make you a bad person. It just proves that you did exactly what you knew was best.” 

She nodded, finally convinced by his words. 

Y/N reached forward and brushed some hair off his face. 

Jason was so god damn handsome. No wonder I got pregnant, she thought darkly. This is exactly how she got into this mess. It was hard just to keep her hands off of him. 

“If I ask you something, do you promise you’ll tell me the truth?” 

He cocked an eyebrow at her. “I’ll try my best.”

Her eyes twisted into something somber and afraid. 

“Do you really never want kids?” 

Jason should’ve expected this question at some point. 

Even though Y/N didn’t verbalize it, Jason knew that one of her biggest fear throughout all of this was that it would change their relationship. She was scared that he would resent her, that he would change his mind and beg her to keep it. 

Maybe it was her tone that was really the thing that caught him off guard. She sounded so scared of what he would say. 

Jason rolled onto his back and stared at the ceiling. Not because he wanted to hide the truth by stopping her from staring into his eyes. He just wanted to make sure he collected al of this thoughts. She deserved a proper answer. 

“I never planned on being a father,” the statement was unwavering. “You know how my childhood went. And I see the same thing happening to kids all over Gotham today – some of them have it so much worse than I did.”

Y/N reached forward and placed her palm on his chest, right over his heart. Without thinking, his hand went to grip it. 

“But you would never be like that,” she assured him. “You’re a good man, Jason. I mean, just look at how you are with Damian – no matter how hard you try to hide your soft spot for that boy.”

“I know I can be a good father. Except before you were in my life, I didn’t know that.” 

If he were really tell the truth, he would tell Y/N that without her, there most likely wouldn’t even be a Jason Todd...only Red Hood. 

He looked away from the ceiling and back at her. “But that doesn’t want I want to be.” 

“So you can honestly say that you never want a family? Even if wasn’t with me?” 

“Y/N, look at my family,” Jason laughed. “None of us our related. Bruce is a mess of a father. His biological son was basically artificially inseminated. The butler is more like our grandma who raised us. All of them tried to take me down and imprison me at one point or another...”

He shook his head at the ridiculousness. “The point is that I know more than anyone that family can look like a million different things. And the perfect outline society has forced onto us doesn’t actually mean shit.”

He grinned. “My family is a group of vigilantes who don’t know how to quit.” His eyes softened. “And then there’s you. You’re my family, too. I don’t need add anything else for that to be true.” 

Y/N couldn’t help herself and she practically tackled him into a kiss. 

Jason gripped her waist and twisted them so she was straddling his waist, and his hands traced up and down the side of her ribcage. 

After their lips separate, Y/N looked down at him lovingly. 

She let a moment pass. 

“What if I changed my mind?”

“I think you and I both know you never will.”

“But what if I did?” She insisted. 

“I don’t know,” he answered honestly. “I really don’t.”

Y/N just wanted to challenge him. She wanted to go through all the scenarios her mind wouldn’t stop thinking about. She needed answers to the hypothetical scenarios that would never come to be. 

“I’m not going to change my mind,” she told him certainly. 

“I know, Y/N.”

She kissed him again. “Thank you for supporting me through all of this.”

“You don’t have to thank me,” he scoffed. “It’s my fault.” 

And he meant it. Most days, Jason had to convince himself he was worthy of her love. What kind of man would be lucky enough to have Y/N as their girl and not do everything in his power to make sure it stayed that way?

“No, it wasn’t,” she corrected him seriously. “It was both of us.” 

“You can’t scare me away,” Jason told her. “Nothing is ever gonna stop me from loving you. Got it?”

She nodded. 

But before she could say anything more, Jason wrapped her in a heated kiss. 

He knew these questions were her anxiety manifesting itself. And Y/N had enough stress for today. So he’d turned off her mind with his touches. 

She deserved a break. 

-----------------

I don’t know how I managed to write yet another one of these fics. But I realized it was easier to give it a new twist since Jason Todd has a sense of humor and an edge that Bucky Barnes and Steve Rogers do not. Also, he wasn’t raised in the 1930s. lol

Please, please, please let me know if you liked it!!!

If anyone is interested in movies on this topic, I highly recommend these:

Never Rarely Sometimes Always 

Unpregnant 

4 Months, 3 Weeks, 2 Days

Obvious Child

[morganas-destiny]

One thing I love most about the "You're not Merlin" scene from 'A servant of two masters' is the fact that it's basically a callback to Merlin and Morgana in 1x01. A royal getting completely naked behind the changing screen, talking to who they think is their servant but is actually their sibling's servant (or soon-to-be servant in Merlin's case and past servant in Gwen's case). And it just makes me think, you know, like what if Morgana had like Arthur walked out, naked, to look at Gwen, only to find Merlin standing there? The logical answer would likely be a lot of screaming, quick hiding and yelling for guards, especially since she didn't know him yet. But the much funnier option would be if she reacted the same way as Arthur. Just having her brain short circuit for a moment and then going "You're not Gwen". And Merlin being like "No. No, I'm not" (I was just gonna leave it at that but I had some time to spare and wrote a little OneShot to go with it lol. Enjoy.)

Why me, was all Merlin could think. Well, that and I should have knocked. He had almost been able to sneak out of the chambers of the Lady Morgana unnoticed, after trying to imitate her maid's voice and hiding behind a dress and whatnot to avoid being caught. But of course, of course, she had decided that she wanted to speak to her maid, and friend, face to face. She had walked out from behind the changing screen and locked eyes with Merlin. And as if that hadn't been bad enough, she had still not been dressed. The king's ward just walked out on him, completely nude. Merlin silently said goodbye to his life because surely, she would scream for the guards to take him to the dungeons and soon after to the chopping block because being caught in the same room as the naked ward of the king would surely cost him head. However, that wasn't what happened. She gave a surprised yelp and grabbed behind the screen, pulling out the gown she had taken off beforehand and pressing it against her body to cover the most important parts. She stared at him wide-eyed and in his quiet panic, all Merlin could do was stare back. A few second ticked by, in which neither said anything. Then Morgana narrowed her eyes. "You're not Gwen.", she stated the obvious. Merlin blinked a few times. "Errr... no. No, I- I just-" His thoughts raced, trying to figure out how to properly explain what exactly was going on. That he never meant to spy on her or get into this situation. His eyes fell on the sleeping draught he had brought and hastily went to pick it up, almost dropping it in the process. "I just came to deliver this. I- I'm new, I came to live with Gaius and- well." He interrupted himself, because he started to trip over his own words and also because he knew; every new word only made it seem more and more like a weak excuse. He could only hope and pray now that the Lady Morgana believed him and would let him go with a warning. "Oh.", she just said though. Oh? Merlin didn't know what to do with that. He gulped, placing the little bottle back on the wooden surface and averted his eyes. His cheeks were flushing more intensely with each passing second. He could feel Morgana's gaze on him. "Do you know where she is? Gwen, I mean.", she asked. Merlin dared to look up again, then slowly shook his head. "Hm.", Morgana only hummed in response. Merlin felt close to a mental breakdown. He wished the girl would just do something. Anything. Shout at him, tell him to get out, for god's sake, at this point, he'd even willingly let the guards take him to the dungeons. Even if he would hate to do that to Gaius. Though losing his head was almost a welcome idea, compared to the terrible uncertainty of this moment. Finally, after what felt like ages, the Lady Morgana opened her mouth again. "I would like to get dressed now." Merlin wanted to cry in relief. He could go. He could go and hopefully forget this incredibly awkward, embarrassing interaction. But no, he'd rejoiced to soon. "Are you familiar with fastenings?" He blinked in surprise and confusion, not realising what she wanted from him. He thought about it. Well, growing up with only a mother meant he had helped with a dress here and there at times. Though he doubted that the simple dresses of his mother were anything in comparison to the expensive, extravagant gowns of a princess. In his helplessness and under the scrutinizing eyes of the Lady Morgana, he only shrugged. "A little." Morgana nodded, as if to say good enough. "Wait there." Merlin's eyes widened and with rising panic, he watched as Morgana disappeared behind the changing screen again. The rustling of fabric indicated that she was putting on her other dress. Nervous sweat dampened the little hairs of Merlin's hairline. This couldn't possinly be really happening. "Alright, you can come.", her voice exclaimed from behind the screen. Merlin's heart near dropped into his pants but he didn't really know what else to do than listen. So, he walked over on wobbly knees and peeked behind the screen.

Upon seeing his cautious gaze, Morgana tilted her head. "Come on. My maid's obviously not here but you are. And considering you're fully dressed, you have an unfair advantage which I can't really allow." Feisty. Unusual for a girl of her standing but Merlin wasn't going to object. He just nodded and lifted his trembling hands to brush away some of her hair, which was even softer to the touch than it looked, and began to fiddle with the fastening. It took him twice as long as necessary and something definitely looked a bit off but he figured it would have to do and stepped back. Morgana shook her hair so that the long locks could freely flow down her body again. "Thank you.", she simply said, but a small smile danced around her lips. "Hm-mhm.", was all Merlin was able to get out. "My lady?" Both of them turned their heads to the door, through which Gwen had just entered, appearing to be rather confused at Merlin's presence. "Gwen!", Morgana greeted cheerily. Then she noticed the way her maid eyed Merlin. "Gwen, this is..." She trailed off, realising that she had never actually learned the name of the stranger who had shown up in her chambers. "Merlin.", he helped out. "But, uh, we know each other." He motioned between himself and Gwen. "Really?" Gwen nodded, hardly able to surpress a giggle. "We met while he was in the stocks." Morgana seemed bewildered for a moment, thinking that she had apparently allowed a criminal to help her with her dress. Gwen, who sensed her mistress's change of mood, quickly went to add: "He's the one who stood up to Arthur." Instantly, the other girl's face lit up again. "Oh, you are?" Merlin rubbed his neck, flustered. "Well..." "He's too humble. I saw it myself. It was very brave.", Gwen grinned, coming closer to the other two. Morgana looked at him with a smirk and a twinkle in her eye. "My, my, so Camelot's very own newest hero helped me with my fastening. I'm honored." The pink in Merlin's cheeks turned bright red. "I-", he croaked out. "I should probably go. Gaius- Gaius is probably waiting for me." Morgana laughed quietly. "You may go." He resisted the urge to exhale in relief and promptly marched towards the door with large steps. "Bye, Merlin.", Morgana's voice sounded one more time behind him. Despite his better instincts, he turned around once more and of course, ran into the doorframe. The two girls stiffled their laughter. Merlin let out a short, nervous chuckle and slipped out into the hallway. As soon as he was out, he allowed himself to breathe again. He wasn't sure how he'd managed to get out of that situation alive but he was glad he did. He just hoped he wouldn't have to step under the Lady Morgana's eyes again soon. Of course he didn't know yet that with his luck, he would earn an official job in the castle as Prince Arthur's manservant just a few hours later.

[samanthadalton]

Star Crossed Lovers (part 14)

Do my eyes deceive me???? part 14???? we did it. im so sorry its taken forever, i will try my best to be more consistent with my writing. love yall for being patient with me it means the most. thank you, thank you. 

warnings: throughout this fic there will be mentions of substance abuse, homophobia, sexual abuse, violence, NSFW, mentions of abandonment, depression and death including suicide

reader discretion is advised

warnings: angst, swearing (lots of it) 

taglist: @drmmyrs @cloud9in @somewillwin @save-me-the-last-dance @baexpoppy @stanzoeywade @ognenniyvolk @thepotatobleh @crazzyplays @fall3ngods @helpconfusedpersonhere @clowneryme @dopeyouth @boys-girls-i-cant-help-it-baby @vonda-b-real @uselesslesbianfr @veenast @cloakanddaggerthings @somethindarker (sorry again if ive missed anyone, if you wanna be added on this taglist or my general one just let me know 😊) 

word count: 4k (i feel like its short considering how long it took me to write but i still hope you guys enjoy) (also i didnt check for grammatical errors properly so sorry if you find any) 

part 1 part 2 part 3 part 4 part 5 part 6 part 7 part 8 part 9 part 10 part 11 part 12 part 13

The first steps to moving on 

“Bea please,” Poppy whispers, a repentant look creeping up to her face as she looks away from her girlfriend. “It can’t wait.” 

Bea sighs, her shoulders slumping as the last remains of her anger disseminates from her body. “Okay fine, lead the way babe.” 

Poppy stiffens that the pet name but she doesn’t let her awkwardness slip as she leads Bea to a secluded classroom, far away from prying eyes. Both her and Bea turn to look at each other, and both simultaneously open their mouths to talk. 

“I know you wanted to tell-” 

“We need to talk-” 

Both clamp their lips shut, a mutual smile playing on their lips as they look at one another. 

“You go first,” Poppy gestures towards Bea, as she moves to sit on the edge of a desk. 

Bea inhales softly, her tongue darts out licking her lips as she looks down at the ground, her face calculating. “Why does Chloe hate me?” She looks up to Poppy, her eyes boring into the strawberry blonde’s, sadness swimming inside of them, “I just don’t get what I’ve done for her to hate me.” 

Poppy sighs heavily, her eyes awkwardly darting away from Bea’s. “It’s complicated Bea.” 

“Complicated?” Bea lets out a humourless laugh, “I almost just went off on Chloe after she gave her condolences for my mom dying because I just felt she wasn’t genuine and you wanna tell me it's complicated?” 

Poppy sharply inhales, contemplating for a few moments before saying, “it’s because of your mom.” 

Bea scrunches her brows up in confusion, “my mom? What the hell does she have to do with this?” 

Poppy ineptly plays with her hands, not being able to look Bea in her eyes, “at first it was just a classist thing. When you first came to Belvoire, she just wanted to make herself feel superior over you, but in the last year you’ve noticed her getting more mean right?” 

“Right.” Bea stares at Poppy, her expression emotionless. 

“Chloe’s parents have been fighting non stop recently, and it’s been affecting her a lot.” 

Bea’s brows furrow in confusion, “what does that have to do with me or my mom?” 

“Just let me explain first before you react, please.” Bea’s eyes bore into Poppy’s for a few seconds before she nods understandingly. “Her dad cheated on her mom. A lot of times actually. But he was blackmailed by one of the women he slept with.” Poppy pauses for a few seconds, “your mom.” 

Bea lets out a shaky breath, her eyes blinking in disbelief, “no, you’re lying.” 

Poppy nervously bites her bottom lip, “look Bea-” 

“How long have you known?”

Poppy’s face scrunches up in anger, “this isn’t my fault Bea. I only found out that day I went to talk to Chloe about us. Chloe made me promise not to say anything to you-” 

“Poppy! My mom OD and I don’t even know why. And now you’re telling me she was blackmailing the St James family and it doesn’t occur to you that might have had something to do with her death?” 

“They’re not the fucking mafia Bea, jesus. They were trying to settle it quietly by giving your mom some money and make her sign some stuff so she couldn't threaten them anymore.” 

The devastating ramification of Poppy’s admission hangs in the air as the two girls let the words settle into them. “Chloe really is sorry about your mom Bea, we all are.” 

Bea sighs, staring off into space, as a few tears begin to fill up in her eyes. “I just don’t know what to do.” Bea begins sniffling, but Poppy makes no movement to console her girlfriend. Bea notices and her expression sobers, “so, uh what did you wanna tell me?” Bea sniffs a few more times, before looking up at Poppy, giving her a small encouraging smile. 

Poppy looks away, guilt creeping up on her face, as she tries her damndest not to catch Bea’s small smile on her face. “Bea…”. Bea carefully assesses her girlfriend’s demeanour, noticing the similar body language during when they first asked to take a break, she thinks back to the last couple of days, she had barely heard from her girlfriend, and now she’s not affectionate, even after she almost had a mental breakdown in the middle of the hallway and her smile drops. “We have to break up,” Poppy says, her tone so monotone and dry as if she didn’t mean the words she was saying at all. 

“I don’t understand,” is all Bea can muster, evidently hurt by Poppy’s admission. Poppy winces slightly at Bea’s tone, finally breaking her robotic demeanour as she lets out a few sniffles. “So is that it? We have to break up,” Bea retorts mockingly, “is that all I get after all these years?” 

“Bea..” Poppy reaches out but Bea immediately takes a step back, tears flooding in her eyes. 

“No,” she holds her hands up, “I don’t get it, things are going good, or at least whatever twisted definition of good we’ve made up. Where the hell did this come from?” 

“Bea my dad-” 

“Of course! Hayden Min fucking Sinclair had something to do with this. Why do you still live under his shadow? You talk all this shit about breaking out of your father’s prison and wanting to achieve your own goals but he sucks you back in.” 

“That’s not fair Bea,” Poppy interjects, balling her hands up into fists in an attempt to subdue her trembling, “my dad has given me so much and he’s threatening to take it all away.” 

“Yeah, all you have to do is get rid of me. Me or the Min Sinclair name.” 

“Bea this is the life I have, okay I’m not like you, I’m not built like you.” 

“So what? I can grow up without a dad and now without a mom but it’s okay because I’m used to pain and disappointment?” 

“I didn’t mean it like that, you have a plan, things you can achieve, I need the Min Sinclair name, I’m nothing without it.” 

“Wow.” Bea shakes her head, “So I just meant nothing?” Bea wildy throws her arms in the air, anger bubbling under the surface of her demeanour. “We’ve practically been together since we were kids. And you’re just gonna fucking throw that away? And for what? Fuck you Poppy.” 

Poppy takes half a step back, dumbfounded by Bea’s outburst. She scrunches her brows, evidently hurt, “you don’t get it Bea. Even though your mom wasn’t the best, she still supported you, even if you didn’t know about it. My dad he- my mom what would she think?” 

“Your mom? Poppy what kind of shit is your dad brainwashing you with? Your mom is dead! You have no idea how she would react to having a gay daughter, but I know she’s probably disappointed in you.” 

“Fuck you Bea.”Poppy runs out of the classroom, tears streaming down her face, leaving Bea on her own. 

“Shit,” Bea whispers to herself before throwing a bunch of punches at the wall, each more cathartic than the last until she can’t physically hold herself up anymore. Bea defeatedly slides into a chair, cradling her head in between her hands, letting the tears free fall, as reality begins setting in that she lost the one thing in the world that was her everything. Poppy Min Sinclair was her rock, the girl who she gave her heart to, the love of her life and just in a matter of moments it was over. Maybe it was too good to be true. The beautiful, perky popular rich girl and the girl who had almost nothing, complete polar opposites, it never should’ve worked. But time and time again when faced against the world they persevered so why was this time different? Poppy had chosen her namesake over the love of her life. She chose the life of glitz and glamour over the girl who gave her her entire heart. Bea feels her entire world crashing down, how much more heartbreak could she take? Was her life always going to be so hard? So full of hurt? Full of pain? She winces at the thought, her head hammering as she comes to the realisation that she understood her mother’s pain more than she thought. 

…. 

Bea hops off her bike, parking it in front of her house, as she pulls her phone out to look at the time. ‘It’s lunch time,’ she thinks to herself. After the day she had today, school wasn’t the best option for her right now. She makes her way to her front door but stops in her tracks when she realises her front door is slightly ajar. Her survival instincts kick in as she effortlessly pulls out her pocket knife, carefully pushing the door fully open. As she steps into the living room, her eyes dart to the closed door of her mother’s room, but when she hears a creaking sound coming towards her bedroom, she cautiously moves towards the source of the noise, the grip on her knife tightening. As she creeps up, she sees the door of her room half opened, a hooded figure standing by her bed with their back facing her. 

Bea stealthily sneaks up to the figure placing the knife a few inches from their throat before lowering her voice to a threatening tone, “who are you and what the fuck are you doing?” The figure gasps, dropping a bag that’s in their hands with a deafening thud before raising their hands in a sign of surrender. 

“It’s me, it’s me,” the voice whimpers out. 

“AJ?” Bea raises her eyebrows, retracting the knife from his throat while pulling down his hood with her other hand. “What the fuck are you doing?” Bea takes a step back while AJ scrambles grabbing the bag he just dropped moments before. When he turns to face Bea, his eyes are wide, filled with fear as he clutches the bag closely to his chest. 

“I have to go,” he says as he attempts to run out of the room, but Bea pulls him back, her face crumpled in suspicion. 

“No we’re not doing this, give me the bag now,” Bea snatches the bag out of his hands before he can protest and opens the zipper to find it filled with cash. She grits her teeth, anger settling into her features as she whips her head up to AJ, “is this my fucking money?” 

“Bea, I- I can explain-” 

“What the fuck AJ!” Bea throws the bag onto the bed, the cash spilling out as she jabs an accusing finger at AJ’s chest. “You’re stealing from me now? I haven’t seen you in god knows how long, you don’t call, text nothing. Even after everything that’s been happening in the last few weeks but you have the audacity to fucking steal from me? Money that I’ve spent years saving? Money that I’ve bussed my fucking ass off for, are you serious right now?” Bea’s voice is filled with rage as she’s practically screaming, her voice now thundering. AJ winces, guiltily averting his gaze to the ground, unable to meet Bea’s eyes. 

“I’m sorry about your mom Bea, I wanted to visit-” AJ croaks out.

“But you didn’t,” Bea interjects, her voice lowered but filled with hurt. “And now you’re taking money- I mean what is so important you had to steal from me.” 

AJ paces towards the bed, hanging his head in shame, when he speaks his voice is quiet, full of fear, “I’m in some bad shit Bea. These guys aren’t playing around.” 

“I told you not to fall into the wrong crowd, I warned you this shit would happen.” 

“Bea please, I’ll pay you back I just need it.” 

“No! What the fuck, when will you pay me back huh? This is my college money, I’m not letting you give that away to your crackhead friends.” 

“Bea please,” AJ clasps his hands together, his tone pleading, “I don’t know what to do.” 

“AJ I have too much shit on my plate right now, I can’t deal with this. You need to find something else, I can’t help you.” 

AJ’s face pales but he stands up, and makes his way towards the door, before leaving he turns to look back at Bea, “I’m sorry about everything.” 

Bea keeps her eyes trained on her bed where the money is sprawled all over the mattress, “yeah me too,” she replies quietly. Bea hears the front door close and she collapses to the ground, letting the tears flow. 

……

A few days later, Bea sits in her dark living room, curtains shut and lights completely off as she wallows in her sadness, drinking from a bottle of cheap beer, as she stares absentmindedly at the ceiling, so drowned in her thoughts she doesn’t hear the resounding knocks on her door until she hears a voice call out, “Bea! Are you there?” 

Bea crumples her brows, forcing herself to stand as she makes her way to the door, she wearily makes her way to her front door only slightly opening the door before poking her head out. “Veronica?” Veronica gives the girl a wide smile before pushing the door more open, ushering the figure behind her into the house too, “Carter? What are you guys doing here?’ 

Veronica looks around the dark room, noticing the pile of empty beer bottles on the floor, “yikes, drinking on your own on a friday night Hughes? That’s really sad.” Carter stands near the edge of the living room, as if he’s an explorer, his eyes darting all over the living room as he assesses this new environment. 

Bea on the other hand scowls at Veronica, “what the hell do you want Veronica, I’m not in the mood.” 

Veronica frowns slightly, pouting her lips together, “we heard about you and Poppy.” 

Bea rolls her eyes, “yeah well I’m trying to forget about her.” Bea picks up her beer bottle from the ground and makes a show by exaggeratingly drinking from the bottle until it's empty. She discards the empty bottle along with the other ones before turning to look at Veronica and Carter, “so if you’ll excuse me.” 

Veronica steps towards Bea, wrapping her hand around the brunette’s arm, “we’re not here for Poppy stupid, we’re here for you.” 

Bea raises an eyebrow, “for me?” 

Veronica turns to look at Carter, beckoning him forward, Carter breaks out of reverie and clears his throat, “yeah uh, we wanted to take you to a party.” 

“A party?” Bea looks between them confused, “I’m not that interested guys.”

“Wait, wait, wait Bea,” Veronica pleads, pulling Bea closer to her, “you’ve never been to a Belvoire party and the year is almost over, we thought we should take you to at least.” 

“I don’t know guys,” Bea says skeptically, “a lot of people don’t like me.” 

“Who gives a shit? You just had your heart broken and you need to let loose.” 

Bea sighs, pulling away from Veronica, “I don’t think it’s a good idea.” 

“Come on, it beats drinking in the dark on your own.” 

Bea sighs, dropping her shoulders, “what about uh Poppy?” 

“Poppy?” Veronica arches a brow, “her and Chloe are staying in tonight, she said she needed to catch up on homework or something.” 

Bea purses her lips together in thought before sighing,  “fine.” Veronica cheers, “but,” Bea over enunciates, “only for a few hours and if I don’t like it I’m going home.” 

“Okay, deal,” Veronica squeals, wrapping Bea in a big hug. Carter chuckles as Veronica gestures for him to join the hug, he awkwardly wraps his arms around the two girls, before pulling away. 

“Okay, I’ll wait in the car while you girls get ready. Just uh don’t take too long.”

Veronica playfully rolls her eyes as she Bea towards her bedroom, yelling back “thanks Carter.” Giddy, she rushes to Bea’s closest, assessing her clothes until she finds a short red dress hidden in the back. “This!” 

“No, no, no,” Bea shakes her head, pulling the dress out of the ombre-haired girl’s hands. 

“Why not? It would look so hot on you,” Veronica’s eyes trail down Bea’s body, as she sharply inhales. “Bea, you’re single and sexy, stop holding yourself back okay?” 

“I’m not,” Bea pushes back defensively, “I just-” she sighs heavily, “no one at Belvoire has ever seen me dressed up, I’m just- I’m nervous I guess.” 

“Then we have to show them what they’ve been missing for the last three years,” Veronica gives Bea a devilish smile as she takes the dress from Bea’s hands, sliding the dress off the hanger before handing it over to Bea. 

“Uh you gonna stay in the room?” Bea nervously wrings her hands together. 

“Why, are you offering a show?” Veronica lifts a teasing brow, noticing Bea’s cheeks redden slightly, which prompts her to let out a small laugh, “I’m kidding, don’t worry I won’t look.” Veronica makes a show of raising her hands to cover her eyes. Bea laughs as she slips out of her clothes and into the dress, she awkwardly clears her throat, grabbing Veronica’s attention. 

“Hey, uh help a girl out with her zipper?” 

“Sure,” Veronica moves to stand behind Bea, her hands ghosting around Bea’s exposed back, her breath momentarily taken away. She sturdies herself and places one of her hands on the small of the brunette’s back while the other moves towards the zipper, zipping the girl up. Bea smooths the dress down with her hands appreciating herself in the mirror, “you look gorgeous,” Veronica whispers into the shell of her ear. 

Bea’s face completely flushes red and slightly jerks at Veronica’s admission, “uhh thanks.” 

Veronica notices the awkward shift in the atmosphere, and promptly changes the subject, “so where’s your sister?” 

Bea sits in front of her mirror, a comb in her hand as she brushes her long locks, “she’s staying at a friend’s tonight.” 

“Cool,” Veronica answers back but her tone falls flat. The girls bask in the awkward silence as Bea continues to get ready but when Veronica notices Bea struggling to do her winged eyeliner she breaks the silence. “Hey do you need help?” 

Bea smiles bashfully, “yeah.” She rubs the back of her head with her hand, “sorry Poppy used to help me with my makeup.” 

“Right,” Veronica’s face slightly falls but she quickly covers it up, ushering Bea to come and sit on the bed. “Come on, I don’t bite,” Veronica bites the bottom of her lip, “unless you want me too.” Bea laughs but obliges sitting on the edge of the bed. Veronica clambers onto her lap, her thighs settling on the sides of Bea’s legs, and in response, Bea’s eyes widen in surprise but she remains glued in her spot, too shocked to move. 

“V, what are you doing?” Bea whispers, her voice attempting to come across as reprimanding but it comes out as breathy. 

“Relax, I’m just doing your eyeliner.” Veronica plucks the wand from Bea’s hand and angles herself close to the brunette’s face, as she begins drawing on the wings on Bea’s eyelids. Bea steadies herself, as she feels the heat of Veronica’s body so close to hers and when Veronica is finished with putting the finishing touches on her eyelids, she hops off Bea’s lap, making her way towards the desk, scuffling through Bea’s makeup bag before taking up her place on Bea’s lap once again. “Now I think this colour would look good on you,” 

“You don’t think it’s too much red?” 

“Oh babe, red means power, dominance, you don’t wanna be thinking about Poppy the entire night, you wanna have all eyes on you Bea Hughes.” Veronica uncaps the lipstick, her eyes burning into Bea’s lips as she carefully applies the red colour to her lips. “Perfect.” 

Bea smacks her lips together, evenly spreading the red on her lips. “Thanks V.” 

Veronica’s eyes dart to Bea’s lips, her tongue slightly running along her bottom lips before she breaks out of her reverie flashing Bea a smirk, “don’t thank me yet, thank me when you’re having the time of your life at the party.” Veronica slides off Bea’s lap, holding her hand out, “come on let’s finish up because Carter’s been waiting for a while.” Bea smiles up at Veronica, taking her hand as she lets the ombre-haired girl pull her off the bed, as they continue getting ready. 

………

Once they arrive at the party, Carter drops the girls off at the front of the huge house before telling them he will park the car. Veronica’s gaze darts to Bea, who’s nervously toying with her hands, looking up at the intimidating house, the lights blaring and as the music echoes throughout, the bass thumping in their ears. Noticing the nerves settling into her, Veronica slips into Bea's, giving her a reassuring squeeze, “hey, it’s okay, it’s just a bunch of drunk, preppy uptight teenagers, nothing you don't usually face everyday.” 

Bea lets out a small laugh, “just in a big ass house,” she jests. 

“Yeah, just in a big ass house,” she gives Bea a light squeeze as she starts pulling Bea into the house with her. Automatically, they’re met with stares and whispers, as the students look astonished at Bea, some appraising her outfit, while others are confused about her presence. “Hey, just stay with me okay?” Veronica whispers over to Bea. Bea nods, her eyes roaming the room. “I’ll get us drinks.” The ombre-haired girl gives Bea a reassuring pat on her arm and leaves her side and Bea walks into the living room, observing the difference between the vibes of the party between the north and the south. Her thoughts then move to think about Poppy, how Poppy would love going to parties in the north but Bea couldn’t find the appeal in it. Poppy. Poppy, who broke up with her. She’s interrupted from her thoughts by a tap of her shoulder, and Bea turns around to see Veronica offering her a red solo cup, Bea takes a sip and winces. 

“What the hell is this crap?” 

“Yeah for a bunch of rich kids, their taste in beer isn’t the best,” Veronica jokes, slightly nudging Bea. 

“We have way better beer in the south side.” 

“That I can agree with.” Veronica looks over to Bea who looks lost in thought, “hey what are you thinking about?” 

Bea sighs heavily, “Poppy,” she mutters. 

Veronica nods once, “right, yeah.” 

“Poppy would’ve loved a party like this, big fancy house an-” 

“Bea,” Veronica says, her tone slightly agitated, “this,” she gestures around the room, “is a no Poppy zone. That means we don’t think about Poppy, only about fun.” 

Bea nods, “fun. I can do that.” Veronica lifts her cup in the air, “what are we cheering to?” 

Veronica gives Bea a smile, “here’s to the first steps in moving on.” The girls tap their cups together before downing their drinks. “Now if we wanna get drunk, we’re gonna need a lot more of these.” 

The party is still ongoing, and Bea sits in a circle with a few girls from the volleyball team and a few of the football team and other people she doesn’t recognise while Veronica sits beside her. 

“Bea you look so pretty,” one of her teammates says. 

“Yeah Bea your makeup is literally gorgeous,” another chimes in. 

“Who knew strip tease can clean up well,” Ford jests, but Bea slumps her shoulders a little, remembering that these people are not her friends. 

Carter enters the circle slapping Ford on the head as he goes, “shut up, Hughes is cool.” Bea gives Carter a nod of appreciation before looking down at the drink in her hands. Her thoughts move a million miles a minute, but there’s a constant one stuck in her brain, Poppy.

Veronica looks over at Bea, frowning. “Hey come with me.” She stands, excusing herself from the group and Bea follows her close behind. 

“Where are we going?” 

“We’re gonna play a private game of truth or drink.”