#like i feel like. it makes me less attractive to people on here who have it as a kink

[satorushousewife]

how you got a date with the most popular guy in campus! or college!au satoru gojo x reader - part 1.

warnings: none, but gojo is actually a few years older than reader (he's around 20 and reader is aroung 18, just starting college) important note: i'm in college but i'm not from usa so some things might be different from the usual college things you're used to! nothing too far tho. also, not a native english speaker, be kind please! otherwise, hope you enjoy your reading!

you knew about satoru gojo way before you met him.

actually, you got to know about him within the first few days of college. he was famous all around campus, partially because he was incredibly attractive and partially because he was rich—filthy rich, may i say—and had a reputation of paying things for people he liked. so, it was no surprise that everyone talked about him.

even though you hadn’t met him, you already knew his appearance (blue eyes, white hair, normally wearing sunglasses), his full name (satoru gojo), his age (21), the last party he attended (aiko's party, apparently it was a banger), and the latest instagram post he made (at a cafe with his most close friend—shoko). not because you looked it up—you just heard people commenting about it.

to you, he seemed like a typical frat boy. not that you cared much. it wasn’t in a bad way, you just didn’t feel the need to fawn over him like everyone else seemed to. still, you tried not to judge people before meeting them.

then you saw him once.

you recognized him instantly: tall, white hair like fresh snow, and signature sunglasses that made him stand out even more. he was chatting animatedly with a girl, her cigarette smoke curling lazily around them as she listened with a soft smile.

for a moment, you paused. he didn’t look like the frat boy you’d imagined: blonde, with blue eyes and super toned. no, he seemed... cheerful. but there wasn’t time to dwell on it—you were late for a lecture.

running late, you found one of the last seats, an empty spot with no one on either side. perfect. you weren’t the most extroverted person and preferred your space, so you were relieved as you actually did not knew many people from around here yet. settling in, you pulled a bag of gummies from your backpack and began savoring them.

minutes passed, and the room started filling up. suddenly you noticed someone sitting beside you out of the corner of your eye and let out a mental groan. without thinking, you glanced over and caught them staring—not at you, but at the candy in your hand.

it was him. the satoru gojo.

he still wore his sunglasses, but it was obvious he was ogling your gummies. you bit your lip to stifle a laugh at his lack of subtlety and decided to offer him some.

that’s when the magic happened.

he accepted immediately and launched into a dramatic monologue about his love for sweets.

“you see, i’m on this diet to gain some more muscle—and don't get me wrong when i say this, i know i'm already handsome and hot and i have fine muscles, i just want to be a little bigger, you know?—but anyway, the nutritionist said to eat less sugar, so i haven’t had any since yesterday, and i’m like, almost dying.” you chuckled at his theatrics, and he grinned, encouraged. “don’t laugh! i swear, it was a life-or-death situation. you just saved me!” “saved you from dying from a lack of sugar?” “exactly!” “well, guess now you’re in debt with me.” “oh, guess i am...” he said, making a mock thoughtful face. “would you like to have lunch with me later? it’s on me.” you stared at him for a moment. he stared back, unbothered. “we just met.” “so?” “what if i’m an evil person?” “nah, evil people don’t offer candy to strangers,” he said, popping another gummy into his mouth. he paused mid-chew. “unless...” you rolled your eyes, smiling despite yourself. “it’s not poisoned.” “that’s what someone who poisoned their candy would say!” “ah, yes. the candy i’m also eating is totally poisoned,” you said, popping another one into your mouth for emphasis. “maybe you’re suicidal,” he shrugged, shoving the candy into his mouth anyway. you couldn’t help but laugh at his stupidity.

the conversation ended when one of your professors tapped the mic, announcing that the lecture was about to start.

contrary to your expectations,  during the lecture gojo was surprisingly well-behaved and actually paid attention. well, except for his occasional snarky remarks, which made you chuckle. he was incredibly easygoing and, despite his self-absorbed humor, a genuinely fun person to be around. within an hour, you found yourself getting comfortable and adding your own quips. he looked absolutelly delighted that you matched his energy.

so, not needing to say much, it's pretty clear you accepted the lunch offer. and that’s how you got a date with the most popular guy on campus.

end notes: guys, this is my first ever satoru fic i'm so excited mweheheh!!! there will be some angst and actually i will use this base for three possible outcomes (gojo only, satosugu x reader, tojisukugo x reader). hope you guys enjoy it 😎

♡⃕ xoxo mikki

[39472034658449305249465224devils]

i mean to be fair, Justice was criticized VERY heavily for "sexualized tween girl clothes", a lot of the stuff here is not those things but even stuff like the mini skirts made it in. I cant speak for it's current stop (i dont even know where i would go if i wanted to go to a Walmart)

I do agree that it's just gotten worse and worse though in general with cultural shifts, and from what i have been able to gather over the years justice did slowly become more and more 'booty shorts' type stock, but at least when Justice had clothes that were arguably "showing too much skin" or whatever, they had juvenile prints, and the skirts always had shorts sewn inside.

stores like Claires still do sell some stuff in this vein but the stock is certainly different and last i was on the claires website, it had a lot of '-core' type stuff so there's def a fixation on like 'fitting into a aesthetic' and influence from social media more than from television like in the 2010s. trends i suppose. here's some modern justice for those who want to compare. (the pics above i tried to go for 2010s items)

by the look of it, Justice actually toned down the sexualized aspects of their clothes after the criticism (and after being bought by walmart and all the mall outlets dying because of that. why the fuck did they do walmart exclusive seems like a stupid move by walmart to me but whatever)

I feel like as you can see here, it's really less that girl's clothes became more sexualized, but as falling into trend with the skincare obsession and fixation on looking older (i will be clear, a fixation which is driven by adults, not here to shame kids at all.) clothes brands seem to have followed suit with what i would call very conservative christian looking entirely non-offensive clothing that looks like women's clothing sized down into girls clothing.

part of me finds it really sad and worries that it signals children's interests being stifled and how it contributes to the rapid destruction of children's spaces and rights, if that makes any sense. more and more, adults demand that children be adults in all ways except for being able to be respected. they want 12 year olds who look 19, and they shockingly get them. i mean, i dont even use tik tok but i know there was a trend where kids who spend a lot of time modeling themselves after 'natural and beige' aesthetic influencer types or whatever were having people 'guess their age' as a joke like, "oh you were attracted to me and thought i was an adult but im not im 13." so i kinda wrinkle my nose at the change

but also, i know that kids interest in even the older clothes was very much a commercially fed interest, young girls dont "like bright colors and glitter" as much as theyre exposed to and told that they like those things, which causes the interest. a newer generation may not care about it at all or find it ugly because... they simply do. generations who were raised on different clothing and aesthetic trends will view things differently.

We can also take a look at Target's selection.

I think the answer is pretty clear in the results

'tween' clothes are going to be the bridge between teenaged years and childhood. which means tween-hood is going to reflect teens, or what tweens think teens are like. as teenagers are now essentially rushed entirely into and adulthood they cannot have far too early in the current year, tweens model themselves after teens, who are treated as lesser adults. cultural shifts towards a conservative, 'traditional' and christian lifestyle also influence the clothing due to it's influence on adults and teens. adults are expected to dress boring, dull, muted, in a solid color or not too busy repeating pattern, so teens are expected to dress that way, so tweens are expected to dress that way, because tweens are expected to look and act like older teens and teens are expected to act and live like adults in their late 20s (but look 17 forever, and 13 is the new 17.)

as children are pushed onto adult centered (sorry, advertiser centered, adult original intended) social media, they are left with their role models and inspirations as skincare and makeup or health influencers. in the 2010s and late 2000s, these online role models were more like hyper and quirky youtubers, and music artists. fashion which was popular in teen groups in the US at the time was often fashion that traded back and forth with japan, both favoring brighter pastels, busy prints, and a demand for cute, large central prints. internet culture valued funny cats, funny puns, and stuff like pizza, tacos, space, mustaches, muffins, nerds and other misc things like plaid, the union jack, cities and landmarks (like the eiffel tower or big ben.) TV was still alive and kids got a lot of fashion influence from shows like iCarly and Hannah Montana, or from musicians like Avril Lavigne, who already made their cultural impact enough to be processed into kids clothes by out of touch adult designers. Scene girls had made their impact, kawaii, pastel goth, instagram trends of square studs and florals and short shorts and the american flag and mint and polkadot and... need i go on? were all culturally relivant and things kids were looking up to and wanting to look like.

those things are not popular today, so they dont end up on kid's clothes as much anymore. espessially as the era who did wear those things become adults, the trends of the past seem to be avoided this time around.

though, i will mention there's also influence from microtrends, as claires does have things like fishnet arm warmers due to the 'alt style' new generation perception of styles of the past, nu scene and stuff like that, which was big in 2020 for a second, but due to being a micro trend, seems to have receded in favor of the beige aesthetic.

also, as more influencers become parents and the beige house beige life sort of lifestyle trend for social media snowballs more and more, it comes down to what parents are buying their kids. parents are more than ever tailoring their children's EVERYTHING into how it looks on their insta.

gucci? thats cute. my gang dripped out head to toe in JUSTICE

[rolandkaros]

one day we will talk about how tennis fans talk about/treat players they find attractive versus players they dont…………

[jordanswitches]

this is entirely self serving, but interact with this post if you've ever felt bad or lesser for not being as ticklish as most people and wished you were more sensitive

[starfieldcanvas]

yes!!! as an exr shipper myself, can we please stop giving other people's plotlines to grantaire. if the two of them ever managed to get together it would be so, so much messier and less rational than any of those options

it’s so so funny silly. “grantaire is a working class person who inspires enjolras through new perspectives” so close, that is feuilly. “grantaire is enjolras’s intellectual equal who has complicated and conviction-informed feelings about revolutionary violence and his articulations of these feelings round out and supplement enjolras’s perspective” so close, that is combeferre. “If grantaire had joined in the fighting he would have been super awesome at it and earned enjolras’s respect and admiration” so close‼️‼️ that is MARIUS!!

[pezpenser205]

me being largely nonhuman/antihuman and a lesbian, therefore being forced by my brain to be attracted to humans has actually allowed me to fully understand how men attracted women who say they wish they were lesbians are real and based and do not deserve the hate they get. like girl i get it thats literally how i feel about you.

no offense to the good humans out there #notallhumans <3

[ceilidhtransing]

I've cropped out the username because I have absolutely no desire to start drama or make a personal “callout” or have people go harass someone or anything like that (and if you take this kind of thing as an opportunity to go and be horrible to another Tumblr user then that is terrible and you should stop), but wow, I have never seen such a clanging example of amatonormativity. I don't think OP necessarily meant it this way, I don't think they meant any harm, I don't think they're consciously arophobic or something - it's far more likely that they're simply unfamiliar with aspec issues, and I always prefer to assume good faith - but I want to talk about this post anyway because it provides a really good and explicit example of the way society just sort of... asserts the centrality of romantic attraction and entirely forgets aromantic people exist.

I do want to first say that I actually agree with the initial point this post is making. Romance as a genre is unfairly derided as some kind of “lesser” form of art, and this derision very frequently comes with generous helpings of misogyny. I totally agree that romance is not at all an unintellectual or superficial thing to write about, and it's bad that it gets treated that way and that readers and writers of romance get so often mocked and condemned. Romance is a totally valid genre and enjoying it doesn't make you vain or stupid or superficial.

HOWEVER. As an aromantic person I find the rest of the post just... I don't know, it's just so perfect as a probably unwitting expression of baked-in cultural amatonormativity. It's brilliant. It's so funny to me. I can almost do a line-by-line breakdown of the way it so completely forgets the existence of aromantic people. In fact, let's do that.

It is so fundamental to us. The issue here should be pretty obvious. The assumption that romance is some integral part of The Human Experience and that it's fundamental to All People is pretty much amatonormativity 101. It reinforces the idea that people who don't experience romantic attraction are “lacking”, forever sitting apart from The Human Experience, and possibly in some way not quite fully human, since we don't experience the thing that is apparently so fundamental to humans.

To want to love and be loved. The post seems to be incorrectly equating “romance” with “loving and being loved”, when in fact there are many people who don't experience romantic attraction yet absolutely love and want to be loved. (And of course loveless aros, aplatonic people, various folks who don't “want to love and be loved” also exist, and it's important to emphasise that this desire, just like romantic attraction, is also not necessarily integral to all people.) “Love” is not automatically “romantic love”, but this post seems to imply that romance is the only, or default, form in which love can exist.

If you don't think every great work of literature. philosophy. metaphysics. was ultimately about romance. I don't think you were paying enough attention. OK this is the line that elevated this post from “sigh, more casual amatonormativity to scroll past” to “I just have to respond to this”. Where to even begin with this assertion. This is a level of “assuming romance is central to everything humans ever do and ever create” that I've almost never encountered before. It feels like a manifestation of the tendency for alloromantic people to declare that, because romance is very central for them, it is thus central to Everything. And I'm homing in on “romance” because the post doesn't say “ultimately about love” - which would still be a reach, but less of a reach - it specifically says “ultimately about romance”. As an aromantic person who is an academic at heart and highly educated in the humanities and social sciences, the idea that my ability to understand literature and philosophy and metaphysics is somehow greatly hampered by the fact that I don't experience or relate to romantic attraction is just... what??? This idea is really very funny to me but also genuinely pretty insulting, even though I'm sure it wasn't meant that way. Not only does it feel like the summation of every patronising “oh, you couldn't possibly understand” directed to aromantic adults who are, in fact, entirely capable of understanding, but it also flattens the incredible breadth of human intellectual experience into “being about romance”. I sometimes find myself wishing that alloromantic people would peak outside the bubble of amatonormativity and realise that actually, there is an enormous swathe of human experience and intellect and creativity and expression that has nothing at all to do with romantic attraction and romantic relationships. And no, stating that, I don't know, the Book of Job is not actually about romance has nothing to do with our society's misogynistic denigration of romance as a genre; it has everything to do with the fact that the Book of Job is not actually about romance. (And if you aren't familiar with Job or for some reason don't consider it a “great work of literature”, replace with whatever other example you can think of; there are many.) It's insulting to imply that aro-spec and/or ace-spec people are somehow less able to participate in art and literature and philosophy etc because we might bring a perspective that doesn't include romance or sex at all and we're just not capable of understanding that Actually Romance And/Or Sex Is Central To Everything. It's genuinely absurd to argue that all the pinnacles of human intellectual achievement really, at their core, come back to romance, and it speaks to our very blinkered society's tendency to declare things like “everything is really about sex” or “everything is really about romance” or “everything is really about breakups” or whatever and then look at aro-spec and ace-spec people like we're aliens and go “but like... how do you even live?” Newsflash, there is so much more to life than romance and love and sex. You can live an entire, very fulfilling, very meaningful, very thoughtful life without these things being at all relevant to you. That's not to dismiss those things as minor or unimportant - they are indeed very central to a lot of people's lives, and they're not “dumb” or “shallow” or whatever - but they're not central to everyone's lives, and they're hardly The Only Things In The World.

And if your response is something along the lines of “well OK there's a tiny minority of people who don't engage with romance and/or sex, or relate to it in the same way most people do, but that doesn't mean that romance isn't still at the core of humanity, or that all the most important things don't still have romance at their heart”, imagine telling a woman that “well, you can focus on a career if you want, but what's really fundamental to being a woman is being a wife and mother - in fact, motherhood is the most important thing in the world, it's fundamental to women, it's what all women's literature is about”. Or, hell, telling a person of any gender that “parenthood” is the central pillar of all of humanity and that every great work of art ever produced is ultimately about parenthood and obviously parenthood is fundamental to everyone's being - forgetting that actually some people will never be parents, and implying that their childlessness makes them less able to understand The Human Experience. That might give you some small idea of what it's like to be an aspec person and be repeatedly told that feelings you don't experience and relationships you don't have and attractions you don't relate to and acts you don't engage in are somehow Fundamental To Humanity and are what lie at The Core Of Everything: how excluding that is, how alienating that is, how oppressively stifling that is.

Feeling that love and/or romance and/or sex are very important to your own life is totally valid, but I wish alloromantics and allosexuals could be more capable of opening their minds and imagining and empathising with an existence for which these things aren't central. Our lives aren't lesser, or emptier, or sadder, or shallower for lack of romance or sex. Our experiences are part of The Human Experience. Our perspectives on art and life and relationships and philosophy and humanity and everything else are just as valid. We are just as capable of profundity, of creativity, of insight - because romance and sex aren't “at the core” of any of these things. We are here, and we're tired of being forgotten, ignored, sidelined, dismissed, erased, talked over, talked past. It would be great if society at large actually remembered we exist once in a while, and that our lives are just as beautiful and important as anyone else's.

[seasonal-brotp-prompts]

A friend of mine asked me once how I could tell the difference between experiencing romantic and platonic attraction. I'd like to restate my thoughts here, since I think they could be useful for some people!

First of all, Intensity =/= Romance. Platonic feelings can be just as strong as romantic ones, although the amatonormativity we live in pretends otherwise. Because of that, I used to often wonder if my squishes are actually crushes. Nowadays, I just go through a series of questions and feel much more at peace afterwards!

"Do I have a crush on this person?"

Ask yourself:

Do I want to kiss them?

On the mouth? With tongue?

Do I want them to kiss me?

Do I want to go on dates with them?

Alone? Would I like it more or less in a group setting with other friends?

Do I like the idea of being seen as a "pair?"

Do I want to live with them?

Forever?

Do I want to marry them?

What does an ideal wedding look like, in my head?

Do I like the idea of them confessing to me?

If I have any interest in children, am I interested in raising children alongside them?

Do I want to exchange gifts with them annually on dates like Valentine's and/or an anniversary?

Do I (in general) enjoy traditional romantic gifts like flowers or jewelry?

Would I enjoy receiving those gifts from the person in question?

If they told me they just got a new partner, would I feel negatively about that?

Do I feel that same negativity when other people I'd never be interested in romantically (family members, etc.) announce they have new partners? Or is it just the person in question?

If sex is a romantic thing for me, do I want to have sex with them?

Answering "yes" to a single one of these questions doesn't mean I have a crush. But answering "yes" to many of them would indicate romantic feelings.

For me, this is a relief, because when I apply these questions to my friends and squishes, I typically react with disgust and RESOUNDING "no"s. Kissing, dating, annual gift obligations, marriage, and co-parenting all squick me out and make me recoil.

A lot of aros (especially baby or questioning ones) might also answer "yes" to a hypothetical they haven't experienced themselves, but then change their answer to "no" later. I know I used to think being confessed to would be flattering (even by someone I didn't reciprocate), but now that it's happened to me a few times, I know how awkward and awful it is. Same with kissing; I thought I'd like it because everyone in media likes it, but actually trying it (with girls and boys) has firmly cemented me in the reality that I just hate mouth kissing.

But, I still thought it might be useful for some aros who struggle with their identity due to all the arophobia and amatonormativity trying to make them question their feelings!

(It might also be helpful for someone trying to figure out if they're gay/bi and have a crush on someone, idk)

[theladybrownstarot]

"𝐏𝐢𝐜𝐤-𝐀-𝐂𝐚𝐫𝐝: 𝐖𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐦𝐚𝐤𝐞𝐬 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐦𝐨𝐫𝐞 𝐝𝐞𝐬𝐢𝐫𝐚𝐛𝐥𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐬 ?" ✧ ˎˊ˗

✧ Masterlist - for more , support by following me .

✧ Pick-A-Pile : here's a new pick card reading for you all ! So close your eyes and breathe in and out then choose pile(s) attracting you most . This is a general reading so it may resonate and not , my readings are not the universal truth so make your decisions wisely .

──⭒─⭑─⭒────⭒─⭑─⭒──

✧ 𝐏𝐢𝐥𝐞 𝟏.

𝐍𝐚𝐦𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞 𝐩𝐢𝐥𝐞 𝟏 ! 𝐋𝐞𝐭'𝐬 𝐛𝐞𝐠𝐢𝐧 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐢𝐧𝐠:

˗ˏˋ Okay ! Here is it - are you quite dominant? Well because I feel so through your energy. You had be someone who is hot and seductive in other's eye but at same time there's this caring or nurturing side to you that makes you completely different. It's like both hot and spicy to you. What makes you even more desirable is the way you can be useful for others or the way you can just spark your influence even on the most strongest relations and things ,it's just your power or we say charisma that makes you go all around as an addictions for others. You are in people's mind basically in their fantasies where they want to take you for all themselves or want you to take them . I don't know if you are often sexualised or have encountered something like that because there is this strong Lilith energy here . You are also a person with dark secrets or mysteries that draw people to you .

˗ˏˋ At same time as I said you are nurturing and caring but apart than that you have this experienced wisdom or lessons that people are in need for , you are thoughtful and resilient at same time which makes people around you more inspired for . You are someone who won't leave the person behind when they come to you and at same time you get help too from them but most of them kind off betray you or betrayed you because of which you have grown more independent and detached kind of person.

˗ˏˋ People will be more fascinated if they just see your divinely side , that could make anyone get enlightenment because you have changed yourself a lot from your past to here in present . People believe that you are not only physically charismatic which attracts people to you it's also your very mentality or your inner self which attracts more opportunities to you or , whatever you want to have already.

✧ 𝐏𝐢𝐥𝐞 𝟐.

𝐍𝐚𝐦𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞 𝐩𝐢𝐥𝐞 𝟐 ! 𝐋𝐞𝐭'𝐬 𝐛𝐞𝐠𝐢𝐧 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐢𝐧𝐠:

˗ˏˋ Okay ! Here is it very interesting- are you someone who is not gonna fight physically rather make someone on their knees for your charismatic logical diplomatic talks/debate? Like here is it you Had be someone who is all sense logical and practical at times with heart on their sleeves . You are quite fast and fiesty in a calm unique manner which somewhat gives me the vibe of an unique aquarius influencing you . You are ambitious and studios , somewhat may be that typical "cold hot nerd" of your domain. You had be someone who speaks less, works more . A person of few words - speaking which is enough for someone to take and digest. You won't even hesitate to stand up for yourself or other even you had be a single person in this whole universe . I'm also getting that you have sharp face features or attractive hands /arms/legs that makes you desirable more physically .

˗ˏˋ.Okay , we have strong earth energy here - mix of air too somehow . You used to someone who would go behind others for help but later on you changed - you left and worked on yourself leaving people In shock that how could you be someone who doesn't even care if they are alone without someone . Hence, you don't need people rather people need you . I'm also getting that you people could be more connected to your mother or any mother figure, possible that you have a single mother or your emotional connection is more with your mother than with someonelse . Even divine salutes to your determination that when you don't find something that could take you out of any situation they will give help to you in a sense that would test your creativity.

˗ˏˋ Last but not the least - you are someone who focuses on Their own business. There this quote that goes - "mind your own business, then of others" which you apply In your life and to yourself. You don't give lot of attention to others rather focuses on themselves . If you could just belive that thing I see in you is that- no matter matter where you are or what you are doing if you give your best you will excel to best even it seems worst to do though.

✧ 𝐏𝐢𝐥𝐞 𝟑.

𝐍𝐚𝐦𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞 𝐩𝐢𝐥𝐞 𝟑 ! 𝐋𝐞𝐭'𝐬 𝐛𝐞𝐠𝐢𝐧 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐢𝐧𝐠:

˗ˏˋ okay , here is it - are you happy go around person ? Haha because I see so , if you that this purity and flick of innocence that makes people more drawn to you . You people could be good comedians or entertainers , with this I'm getting too that you have a charming smile and laughter which spreads positivity around . If someone wants to have an emotional connection you are the one best to go with ! But why if you ask ? It's because darling when people want someone to share and understand their emotions and themselves with someone who has experienced same you are the one there among all . You could be achievers even someone who takes up a role of a psychologist or counsellor for others in need. You are good manifestors in life and if possible you people could even manifest for others, start making subliminals you know- an extra message I got for you all .

˗ˏˋ okay , the next thing I can see is that you people are patient In nature , in this fast Paced world being a calm slow being is difficult but you are the one who has achieved it and when we get around such people like you we feel somewhere at peace and safe. You embrace is like a call of warmth we need in harsh winters. But don't let this get people take advantage of you because not everyone is very good in this world . I can also see that some of you could be chubby or if not chubby than cute for sure in other's eye . I feel melodious voice too that you too can have.

˗ˏˋ I can also see that you are someone who dominates or unknowingly dominates indirectly with your nature , you appear to be sexually attractive because of your mystical aura . Some of you could have scorpio influence over you like signs and all and even if not then also you have or things which makes you appear to be so like that . You are very spiritual too and serene. There's this vast deep ocean of knowledge that people seek nowadays In life to go ahead . Most of you could be someone who praticse divination or belive in it.

©️ @theladybrownstarot 2023 all rights reserved. Any stealing or copying of work will be a punishable offence.

[oceanwithouthermoon]

ok thinking abt this again, a lot of the popular and more experienced blogs on here are really fond of vague posting and bullying smaller blogs "subtly" so thats probably a big part of where it comes from, its mainly what made ME think it was okay to vague post about people on here which is so embarrassing to look back on ☠️☠️☠️

i used to try really hard to like rationalize things online and figure out exactly what people meant and who anons were, but the amount of times people have tried to do that and made up a really elaborate literally evil plot about ME that didnt happen made me be like... yeah im not doing that anymore

[malusokay]

Glow-up tips that actually work from your favourite beauty girly (me)

Hot girls don't gatekeep, so here are some of my favourite glow-up tips that actually work. <3

Skin

Find a skincare routine that works for you!! It took me years to find mine, but now my skin is literally perfect. <3 (let me know if you guys want a detailed skincare routine!!)

Don't pick your skin, the less you touch your face, the better.

I believe ice rollers are bs…

If you struggle with dark circles, don't try fixing them through skincare. Most likely, the problem comes from your diet or stress.

Dry brushing is a game-changer!!

Use lotion after every shower and apply a body spray before the lotion is fully absorbed into your skin. You'll smell amazing for DAYS.

Don't try homemade skincare if you already struggle with your skin. I learned it the hard way, lol…

WASH YOUR MAKEUP BRUSHES

Hair

The more heat you use, the more damage you'll have.

SILK PILLOWCASES

Never sleep with wet or damp hair.

Stop buying cheap shampoo and conditioner, also make sure to check the ingredients!!

Some ingredients to avoid: Sulfates, Parabens, Polyethene Glycols, Triclosan, Formaldehyde, Synthetic Fragrances and Colors, Dimethicone, Retinyl Palmitate.

I trim my hair every 3 months.

If you have damaged hair, invest in some Olaplex!! my favourites are N4c, N6 and N7. <3

Diet

green juice actually makes you feel better. I make mine at home and LOVE it :)

Balance is key!! I swear by the 80/20 rule.

Drink more water, even if you think you're drinking enough. DRINK MORE

Keto is BS <3

Focus on eating more protein. Usually, low-fat products have more protein, so I just try to buy those, lol.

I eat gluten-free, not by choice… But it did clear my acne, so…

Take supplements, get a blood test done, discuss it with a doctor and start taking whatever they recommend. GAME CHANGER.

EAT MORE VEGETABLES and fruits.

Lifestyle

Focus on being more active, walk more, workout, join a club or sport, dance, whatever works for you!!

I aim for 10K steps, I live in a big city, so I usually walk more than that but still.

Hobbies that don't include screen time. Trust me.

Find your personal style and ALWAYS dress up. <3

TREAT YOURSELF. Buy yourself flowers, and presents, go to your favourite restaurants, vacations!!

Read more. As a classics lover, I can't imagine a life without literature, but even if you don't like classics, any book is better than no book!!

Take more pictures. I've noticed that I have become a lot more present since I've started taking more pictures!! highly recommend :)

I hate to say this, but getting up earlier is lowkey kinda great... been doing it for a few weeks, and unfortunately, I do feel better... they were right...

Get a cat. :)

Mindset

Stop assuming that everyone hates you, they don't, trust me.

Journaling, manifesting, law of attraction, affirmations.

one of my favourite affirmations: "if I weren't capable, the opportunity wouldn't have come my way; I belong here." <3

Stop hanging out with people who drain your energy

stop consuming media that makes you feel bad.

What would the highest version of yourself do?

If you change your mindset, you will change your life.

Romanticise every aspect of your life. <3

As always, please feel free to share your own suggestions and glow-up tips in the comments! <3

✩‧₊*:・love ya ･:*₊‧✩

[helianthus-tarot]

FUTURE SPOUSE: Why will you choose to be in a relationship with them?

As written in the title; however this is mostly for people who hold a stronger feminine energy in their connection with their fs. I posted the extended version on my Patreon which includes why they will choose to be in a relationship with you 👀❤️ There are also other 80+ readings on Patreon so definitely check it out, pick a card reading is posted every week plus extra mini pac every month! 🎉

Disclaimer: Here | Instagram: Here

Instructions: Focus on the topic and ask yourself the question. Choose a number/picture that you feel the most drawn to or that you can’t stop looking at. Trust your intuition. May the message resonate. Let me know which pile you choose! Feedback is appreciated!

Like my readings? Tip here!

PILE 1

Why will you choose to be in a relationship with them: Ace of Swords Rx (Knight of Pentacles), The Lovers, 10 of Pentacles Rx (6 of Cups), 3 of Swords, The World. 

For many of you, I don’t think you’ll think much before deciding to get into this relationship. The decision may be motivated by pure feelings and spiritual pull instead of logic and practicality. If you chose the same pile for the previous section, the spiritual pull is quite similar to what your person will be feeling, it’s just that... they will perhaps have a more grounded and pragmatic acceptance/view of it; “if we end up breaking up, that’s unfortunate, but the connection will be appreciated (by me) either way”. But your spiritual pull will come with some anxiety. It’s like, you will really want it to work. You’ll acknowledge that it may not be forever, you’ll know you would still learn from it and the connection would still be an important part of your life journey even if you guys ended up breaking up, but you’ll hope it won’t end; and this hope will be mixed with some anxiety, unlike your person’s (which will be imbued more with acceptance instead of worry). 

Some of you will get into this connection because you are subconsciously motivated by a desire that stemmed from your childhood; something you lacked when you were a child. So if you didn't get paternal/maternal love, or stability growing up, your person might give off the vibe that they can give you that, and you’ll get drawn to them because of that. You will also be able to sense that this connection will be spiritually significant, spiritually enriching and that you will be able to grow through this and become wiser. Maybe your person is or looks intelligent and experienced, maybe they come from a different place/country, and it makes them appear like they hold a wealth of new experiences (to you) that can expand your world in some way. Like I said, I feel like you’ll mostly be guided by your intuition, maybe your soul will be seeking this lesson or this experience and it will recognise that your person can give you that. 

Some of you will be guided by your own pain. This is quite similar to the message above, but this pain may be more related to romantic love instead of your childhood. If you have suffered a broken heart before, or has had bad experience in love, you’ll hold hope for a true love connection. And so when you meet this person and feel drawn to them, it’s likely that you’ll feel that this person is your person. Whether they are truly your The One or not, this doesn’t negate the possibility that your attraction to them may at least be partly driven by your old pain/wound. Just keep that in mind. Check in with yourself regularly. If we are drawn to something/someone because of old pain, this can put fear and anxiety of losing that thing/person in us, and it can make us behave in a way that is not really healthy. That’s all. It doesn’t make you a bad person, it doesn’t make your feelings for them any less real, it’s just that past pain can trigger some unhealthy behaviour if it goes unchecked. 

EXTENDED VERSION IS ON PATREON! Why will they choose to be in a relationship with you? Will it be love at first sight for them? Will it be because of what you bring into their life? Find out here! ❤️

PILE 2

Why will you choose to be in a relationship with them: 3 of Swords (The Sun), The Devil, Death, The High Priestess, 6 of Wands. 

I’m addressing this reading from the perspective of the person who’s got a stronger feminine energy in this connection. I think for many of you, you will choose them because you think they can provide relief from your pain, like, they will end that difficult period of life for you. For some of you, your person may not appear that way. Usually when we think about people who can provide relief, it probably makes sense to imagine someone who is calm and gentle and peaceful, right? But this person does not come across that way, especially if you choose the same pile for the previous section. Your person comes across fiery; there’s this unapologetic conviction and confidence about them, they are ruthless too sometimes, and could be very goal-oriented. But somehow you will feel like they can soothe your pain, and that’s why you will get into a relationship with them. Some of you will actually love those traits; you will like them rough around the edges, you will like them a little arrogant and uncompromising, you will like their control and their intensity. 

You will also be intuitively drawn to this person; there will be that instant, spiritual or intuitive awareness of their presence and their potential significance in your life. It is also possible that you’ll feel understood when you are with them, or you’ll feel like they can see through you or they can see the real you. So there will be this deep bond between you two, it will sometimes feel unexplainable, it will sometimes feel like they are the only person for you and you them, it will feel Scorpionic. The type of connection where your eyes meet across the room, the type of connection where you are aware of their presence without having to turn around and look for them, you know they’ve entered the room. Sometimes you guys may annoy each other but your gaze will often get pulled in their direction. Something very mystical and deep like that. Those are the reasons why you’ll choose them. 

Since this is a general reading, for some of you, this may be a little toxic (i.e. toxic attraction) so just be aware of that. For others of you, this relationship isn’t toxic (your person may have some questionable traits tho), but you may be right that they can give you want you need/want. Whether or not this attraction is toxic, some of you may also grow obsessive, and this connection can turn unhealthy if you are not careful. You guys will probably have some Pluto contact somewhere in your charts.

EXTENDED VERSION IS ON PATREON! Why will they choose to be in a relationship with you? Will it be love at first sight for them? Will it be because of what you bring into their life? Find out here! ❤️

PILE 3

Why will you choose to be in a relationship with them: 7 of Pentacles, Knight of Wands, The Star, Ace of Cups, The Hermit Rx (8 of Pentacles, The Moon). 

Some of you may have a tendency to get caught up in doing inner work. You know, some people keep watching or consuming content about self-improvement or shadow work, but they don’t really act on the info; they keep consuming it, and as a result they... kinda stay there? This either makes them feel like they are doing something, or it slows them down and it pulls them away from actually living their lives. You may be like that. Some of you may have a belief that you need to work on yourself to be deserving of love, or a belief that you need to change before you can experience love. Some of you are thinkers, you spend a lot of time in your head, trying to understand yourself and the world over and over and you have a tendency to stay there. This person will bring you out of your own head, or you will feel that way when you are with them. And that’s one of the reasons why you will choose them.  

Directly or indirectly, they will make you want to live life to the fullest, to explore things in life and to experience a connection with someone. They will not take away your desire for self-improvement, or distracting you from your inner work; you will still do these, but you won’t just do them and stay stuck at home/in your bubble, you will also go out and live your life. They will make you feel excited about taking actions, about trying new things, about going after your goals and taking risks of seeing your desire/vision materialise. They will make you want to try and experiment, and they will make you feel calm and at peace while you do these things. They will open up possibilities and broaden your horizons. You will also feel more confident around them, more accepting of yourself including your flaws, more honest with your feelings and your shortcomings. If you struggle with self-love, I think you will feel the desire to love yourself more whenever you are around them.  

You will also feel more emotionally fulfilled with them, hence why you’ll choose to get into a relationship with them. They will ‘make’ you feel carefree, happy, and very in touch with your emotions. You will feel spiritually and emotionally enlightened too, being able to see the bigger picture and being able to retain your trust in the Universe and Life, instead of feeling dragged down by all the (inner) work you have to do. So basically, you will not just focus on the negative and serious part of life, you will be able to balance it out with something more optimistic and fulfilling because of your person’s influence. That’s why you’ll choose them. 

EXTENDED VERSION IS ON PATREON! Why will they choose to be in a relationship with you? Will it be love at first sight for them? Will it be because of what you bring into their life? Find out here! ❤️

PILE 4

Why will you choose to be in a relationship with them: The High Priestess, 8 of Pentacles, The Fool, 4 of Wands. 

I think there will be a balance between inner work / self-improvement and enjoying life, which is quite similar to one of the other piles, but not completely the same. I think you will like that they ‘make’ you think; there will be things that they say or do that will make you go inward and get closer to who you truly are. It feels like being with them will make your inner voice clearer, like, you can hear it better and thus you can follow it. They are probably wise, or you will learn a lot from them, and this will make you feel motivated to work on yourself, to do something with your life, to enrich your life, to try again or to try new things. So the connection will make you feel enlightened yet carefree (instead of being weighed down by your knowledge), serious yet light-hearted, committed yet experimental. You will move back and forth between these two energies, they will work seamlessly. 

You will choose them because they make you feel understood and seen, in a way that not many people have been able to do. You will choose them because subconsciously you are also intuitively drawn to them. It’s not that they are mysterious (although they could be), but the connection or your interactions with each other have this enchanting quality that makes you want to sit and talk for hours and sift every section of their mind. There will be soul intimacy that makes you choose them. You will also feel welcomed by them, they will open their arms to you, no resistance at all, so you will feel like you can move towards them very easily. This person could be charming, to be honest. There’s just something with the way they smile or the way they make you feel comfortable and the way they accommodate you. It will feel like they want you to be with them, and you will see no reason why you should resist that.  

You will also feel like you can reach for the stars when you are around them. They will ‘make’ you believe in yourself, in something better, in the possibility that you can get what you want, in the possibility that you can build the life that you want. For some of you, your person may also welcome you into their social circle or family before you guys get into a relationship, they could share their connections with you and let you be a part of their life, so you’ll see what it feels like being with them. And it all may feel very harmonious and joyful, maybe you will feel welcomed and supported (if not by other people, you know your person is there with you to support you; it’ll feel like they won’t leave you alone in this crowd but they will give you some independence and freedom to explore for yourself). It’s like them showing their world to you and gently pressing their hand on your back, encouraging you to take a step forward. This whole thing will make you want to be with them. 

EXTENDED VERSION IS ON PATREON! Why will they choose to be in a relationship with you? Will it be love at first sight for them? Will it be because of what you bring into their life? Find out here! ❤️

[aquamystic]

what kind of trope will your next relationship be like?

hiiii! i am back again trying to help you romanticize your life because reality kinda... sucks sometimes SO let's bring some cool romantic tropes and see what your next relationship will be like!! remember that it is mostly to have fun and - again - to appreciate the beauty of our life!! 🌷 basically, if your next love story was a movie, what kind of trope would it be?

it will not speak to everyone so just let it go! 🧚🏻‍♀️

choose the picture you feel most called to or that sparks a memory! 💫

pile 1.

enemies to lovers. hot passionate tension. strong disgust yet incredible chemistry. constant fighting and feeling like fate is against you. you both have tempers and you enjoy annoying the others, especially when it comes to what you believe in. there is some opposition between your views on life and that creates exciting debates. slowly, you will both realize your feelings but all this tension and an external situation will make you deny all those feelings - although the sexual tension is hard to ignore. your lover is fiery, aggressive, hot, passionate, fun. before completely exploring all this chemistry, you are separated by fate and you try to convince yourself that it does not matter, that you do not care - but you do. it feels like you have not been able to really live it, to fully enjoy it and it feels bitter. but you will start to fight for it because you will both realize that this potential is rare to find and that it can’t just go to waste. the electricity when you touch them can’t be ignored and just forgotten. so you fight for it. they might help you heal your inner child, let you loosen up a little and well, they will appreciate you in your worst state because they will be very much aware of your WORST side but you will realize that someone loves you in your worst and that feels very healing.

pile 2.

age difference or one of them has not lived as much as the other. spiritual experience. soulmate kind of love. adrenaline. feeling complete - finally. perhaps someone who is of a different ethnicity. one of the two is younger or less mature but brings so much energy and life to the older / more mature one who gets to share all his experiences. very passionate and loving. love at first sight even. something is preventing them to reunite but the younger one is ready to rise above society’s expectations that appear dull and dumb. risking everything together and going on crazy adventures. also, impossible love because of hierarchy : a royal, a servant or a boss, a subordinate. discovering what life really is about together. your love story will feel like a hurricane, you or your person will just storm into your life and destroy every conceptions and representations you have of love and even of life. one of the two is very unpredictable but they have a heart of gold while the other feels very much broken (i was listening to the shining by the neighbourhood and the lyrics stuck for this group). one of the two could feel like they have the weight of the world on their shoulders and bam, here arrives this little ball of energy who lives life to the fullest. very refreshing love, like a breath of fresh air.

pile 3.

i hate everyone but you and everyone hates me but you. two people against the world. no one can defy us. the other is their home. could also be a third-party situation : one of them is the conventionally attractive love interest you are supposed to fall in love with but this other person… there is something about them you can’t deny. they are better than most humans you know. they are all you care about. the decision is taken but others do not agree with this. you are a powerful queen, rich and destined to compromise for your country. but there is this one person - enemy of the nation, old friend of lesser condition - that you feel is your real lover deep within. they are your home. the solution to your loneliness. the remedy to your broken heart. feeling guilty because of all those expectations on you. but you can’t listen to them, you want to feel selfish and listen to your heart. maybe you will break their heart at first - or the other way around - and you will have some time apart before reuniting. maybe they are a childhood friend you lost too, someone you hurt. but after this loss and hurt, you will be regretting and when you see them again… wow, all the anger, frustration and love will resurface. it will take some time again but at the end, you will be together and it feels like life is finally complete.

[2tarbell]

does twee have a job??? i know you mentioned her being pogue turned kook, im wondering if she’s kept a job she had as a pogue 🤭….

TWEE!READER who is a cart girl! she started the job right before her father came into money and wanted to keep it. mainly because she misses the pogue lifestyle and working makes her feel less guilty about now living in a nice house.

she receives a lot of tips because the players think she’s the cutest thing! rambunctious and teasing, having inside jokes with all the members. in her little cart girl uniform, tight polo and pleated skirt. her striped socks and maryjane’s. hair always done up in some cute style. she’s a natural born people pleaser and can happily stay afloat in the midst of these golf playing men. but only because she doesn’t entertain their foul intentions, too naive to assume anything bad.

but she actually met rafe after her shift ended, parking the cart back in its ‘home’ and gathering her things. he’s just leaving when he passes her by, having been in the carolina sun all day golfing with his boys. they’ve since left and he found himself lingering just a bit more, hoping to catch that cute cart girl he saw at the ninth hole.

he’s handsome, that’s the first thing she notices. and her mind races, hoping to maybe see him on her shift tomorrow. the daydreaming causes her to trip. thankfully, she caught herself before eating shit, not without attracting the attention of the cameron boy, though. his hands shooting out to her shoulders and steadying her.

“you good?”

she smiles sheepishly, smoothing down her hair. twee nods and looks down at her shoes, frowning at the scuff on the leather of her new shoes. goddamnit. when she looks up at him again, eyes squinting in the setting sun, rafe feels his own smile twitching at the corner of his lips.

“sorry— was just… thinking…” she trails off slightly.

rafe actually huffs out a laugh, and she becomes more embarrassed than before. her grimace makes his grin soften.

“don’t worry ‘bout it, yeah? s’all good.”

her little grin is adorable and rafe trails his eyes down her body when she turns to retrieve something from her cart. miles of smooth skin disappearing underneath that short skirt, he can just barely see the lace edge of her panties, until her dainty hand reaches back and pulls the skirt down a little.

“glad you caught me then—“

his eyes snap up back to hers when she turns around with what he assumes is her purse, smirking and crossing his arms. her playfulness isn’t lost on rafe and he finds himself reciprocating, flirting.

“oh, so it’s a habit of yours to trip into eligible bachelors?”

she giggles and rafe knows he’s in.

he sets his jaw, noticing her looking up at him through those dark lashes. she leans back against the cart and crosses one ankle over the other. rafe’s eyes are drawn to the movement and trail slowly up her legs. when he meets her eyes again, she has a knowing smile on her cute face.

“bet you, uh, get a lotta these dudes in trouble, huh?”

the way she cocks her head to the side, an innocent gleam in her eyes, makes his shorts feel just that much tighter. her voice is soft and unsure when she replies, “whaddaya mean?”

rafe shrugs, smiling lazily and scratching his ear. “pretty thing like you workin’ here… dunno, ‘m sure it makes it hard to focus on golf…”

her huff paired with an eye roll makes his chest swell. he can see the smile she’s biting back and chuckles, fishing his phone out of his pocket.

“y’know i— i gotta see you somewhere other than here, if you wanna…” he mumbles lowly, holding the device out.

“y’gonna get me fired, rafe…” she teases.

his name has never sounded so good. rafe places his other hand hand over his heart, grinning at the giggle she lets out at his dramatic gesture.

“i promise, kid, swear on m’life. just one date?”

he’s putting on the works, he knows; charming smirk and narrowing eyes. but, twee is just a girl, in every sense of the word. so when she walks off after giving him her number, hundred dollar tip the handsome boy said was ‘all f’you’ tucked into her bra strap and a promise to text him her work schedule, she can’t hide the smile growing on her face.

rafe can’t hide his either, shaking his head and stuffing his phone back in the pocket of his golf shorts. walking out to his truck, he can’t think of anything else but the apple hairclip she was wearing and that little grin that made his heart stutter.

[olderthannetfic]

I always see people reminiscing about the Good Ole Days and about how antis are a new thing but. . .is that really true? Or am I just being autistic and taking things too literally, and they just mean it's way more of a common debate now than it used to be before, and that the landscape of shipwank has changed?

Idk, it's like I constantly hear about fandom wank and shipwars and censorship from decades ago, and yes I know "shipping/doxxing/censorship has always existed" can co exist with "antis are new" but I think there's still a bit of a comprehension gap on my end.

am i just dumb? What am I missing here? FWIW - I do feel like the context of "anti" has definitely changed. Back in early 2010s tumblr (I cannot speak of other website/platforms) I remember that tagging something as #Anti Donkey Kong didn't mean you think DK is an evil abusive monster and that everyone who likes him/mains him is also an evil abusive monster and that Nintendo is pushing the evil abusive monster agenda. #Anti Donkey Kong would just be character bashing, wank, letting out your grievances about how ugly DK is, etc, but it was really just a tag used for your own personal opinions (and for DK fans to filter out). Whereas now #Anti Donkey Kong would mean please go die and delete all your accounts if you support DK.

So I definitely know that "anti" has a way more intense definition now than it used to - but for some reason I find it a bit hard to grasp just how new this whole anti thing even is in the firstplace. It honestly makes me sad that I've never seen a pre-anti internet, assuming there really was a time before antis.

--

Antis are new. Specifically, the "Conservative Protestantism in a gay hat" thing that that one tumblr post pointed out is new.

We had doxxing in the past. We had masses of shipwank. We also had "How dare you write that m/m ship. It's bad!"

The key is that the "Your m/m ship is bad" crowd used to openly be conservative Christian homophobes who objected to homosexuality itself. Nowadays, they're queer 20-somethings who like m/m ships but object to gay sex.

It's the anti-kink, anti-fantasy brigade coming from "our side" instead of the outside, essentially. It's respectability politics about "Sempai will love me if I just sanitize The Community and kick out the icky weirdos". It's personal disgust masquerading as morality where once it would have been masquerading as intellectual superiority.

It's a product of queerness being more public and tolerated overall. In the past, a lot of spaces devoted to m/m shipping had to be aggressively in favor of contentious fiction because the existence of anything m/m was itself contentious. There was plenty of "Well, my gay best friend said ___ is unrealistic, and my slash is good, unlike that of you plebes!" There was much less "Fujoshi means fetishizer".

Of course, I'm comparing the 90s internet to now or the mid 00s Livejournal fandom to Tumblr of this past decade. It really depends on whether Ye Olden Times was five years ago or twenty five.

The modern use of the term 'anti' did indeed grow out of the old habit of tagging your hate. As the default cultural mode shifted from "My NOTP is dumb" to "My NOTP is problematic", the usage changed. At some point, antis started getting offended by their self-applied term and pretending that the other side inflicted it on them. This is revisionism. Fiction-is-not-reality had some writeups with citations in the past.

The big shifts were happening around 2012-2016. The long slide into puritywankers being everywhere has only continued since then, but that's where the tipping point seems to have been. TikTok exacerbates this nonsense, and there are clearly plenty of people who are anti-queer and only weaponizing clueless queer youth.

The big shift is that liking m/m used to weed out most of the worst people, and now it attracts lots of them who will not fucking go away because they like the same ship, just the hand-holdy, no dicks can touch ever version.

They spend their time bleating about how AO3 should have been built for them and how anti-censorship activism doesn't matter... because they've grown up in a fandom world dominated by AO3, which shelters them from the reality that the "Ewww, all m/m sucks!" crowd is everywhere on other sites to this day.

That's probably why the shift is when it is. Certain aspects of mainstream queer acceptance were on the rise just as AO3 was getting big. But at the same time, the world is shit and everyone has anxiety they self-medicate through rage and security theater around sniffing out The Bad People.

[lizardho]

I think the worst day I had as a missionary is hard to pin down – for comedy bad day stories, I like to talk about my cute companion who ripped three pairs of pants in one day because his ass was so fat. Literally, two in the morning, we missed 3 appointments in the afternoon because people kept cancelling on us, and we ended up far away from home visiting “Less Actives” in the downtown area. We find a family who says we can come in once their dad get home, and we sit down to wait for the dad to get in and RIIIPPP goes the third pair of slacks this man wore that day. I hand him my suit jacket and he wraps it around his waist like a bashful adolescent who just started his period at an inconvenient time. We catch a ride home on a bus and ended up home an hour early. He cried for like 30 minutes while stitching up his pants, and I got to rest a lot more than expected that day. We ordered a 4-cheese pizza and went to bed early that night, having walked probably 5-6 miles that day knocking doors and getting turned away.

Another bad day was the day the Mexico City Temple was re-opening. It was a funny experience for me because the evening before I was contacted by the Mission President and told that an elder in our district had confessed some serious sins to him and that those sins precluded him from going to the temple. The MP told me that nobody in this elder’s ward could get time off to babysit him so he was begging one of us – I didn’t want to go to the temple, it was a crappy way to spend a P-Day in my opinion, so I told the MP I’d do it. I spent the day eating popsicles and napping with an elder who, in between Bolis and naps, would shakily and tearfully confess that no fewer than half of his companions had secret phones they used to watch porn, hire prostitutes, and buy drugs. This was bewildering to me since I had been Trying So Hard my whole mission and had always felt inadequate, and these elders who were doing better than me and more respected than me were somehow out here fucking, doing drugs, and jorkin’ it.

I was actually in a “Punishment Area” at the time because in my last area one of my life-threateningly attractive companions had gone into the homes of widows to repair their electrical wirings (he was a trained electrician prior to going on a mission.) Being alone in the home of an 80-year-old widow with failing lights was “against the rules” to the extent that me mandaron a la goma, and some handful of guys I’d been told to view as role models were out here breaking actual laws and shit. Of course, I knew in my heart of hearts that I was in this area because of the Deep Evil that Lay Within My Heart (wanting to kiss Elder Electrician on his stupid himbo lips) but my MP could not have known that, just like he didn’t know that the guys he was making Zone Leaders were getting their dicks sucked and snorting cocaine. That honestly felt outrageous to me.

I feel like the stereotypical “worst day” of a mission is the last day – they take you to the airport in a big van, all melancholy and nostalgic. We sang on our drive to the airport – elders and sisters tearfully sang or hummed hymns together. I was deadpan the whole time, it was such a relief to be going home. For me the worst part of the day was the relief – the release of pressure. The pressure to perform, to be “on,” to be at your best, is omnipresent for elders. I was the only person flying to Phoenix, so for the first time in two years I felt a release from that pressure. Nobody was scrutinizing me, I no longer felt that every thought, action, and feeling was being evaluated and judged as a sign of my true character. It was hard to realize, a the pressure let up, that I had been holding all that weight for two years without knowing when it had started. I remember getting confused in Customs and needing someone who spoke Spanish to talk to me because I kept forgetting words in English. I remember getting home and my family waiting for me and feeling like it was all finally done, finally over, I could finally breath. It didn’t feel bad, but it did feel heavy. And it definitely was not the worst day of my mission.

The actual worst day of my mission, though, was about 5 months in. At the 6-month mark I was expected to make a long trip down to an area of town near La Basilica de Guadalupe to submit my visa paperwork, and the mission office had sent me an extra $500 MX to use for transportation costs. When I withdrew the money they had sent for the month, I noticed it was higher than expected. My companion, a senior companion and district leader, had the cell phone. He was talking to another elder while he waited for me to withdraw my monthly deposit. I approached and asked if I could use the cell phone to call the mission office, as I had questions. He said “no,” and ignored me. I waited until the conversation ended and asked again, and again, angrily, he said, “No.” I said “Elder, relax, I just need to call the mission office to see why they sent me more this month than usual.” His face turned red as he realized other elders were watching the exchange occur. He handed me the phone, I called and was told the money was for transportation costs, and laughingly returned the phone to my companion. He took it, told the other elders he needed to tie his shoe but they could head on over to the District Meeting, and waited until they were out of eyesight. Once that was done, he grabbed me hard by the wrist, dragged me into a hidden corner out of earshot from others, and said, “If you ever disrespect me or my authority again I swear to God I will kill you.”

I was actually shocked. This guy had spent the last month and a half being SUPER nice to me, so I thought he was kidding and I was just confused. I laughed and said “Haha, yeah, your authority over the cell phone is sacred,” and tried to walk away but he didn’t let go of my wrist. He pulled me back and said “I will literally slit your throat if you ever talk to me like that again. As senior companion my authority over YOU is sacred, and I will not let God be mocked by you.”

I realized that he was serious. Like, actually threatening-my-life serious. I could see it in his eyes, I could feel it in the way he squeezed tighter on my wrist. In actuality, the idea seems laughable now. The guy was absolutely chickenshit. He cried if his shits were too hard, he couldn’t end a human life, but I still didn’t let myself fall asleep first for the rest of our time together. And I still hid the two knives we had in a different area while he was showering the next morning.

If I’m being honest though, even that wasn’t the worst day of my mission. That was bad, and each subsequent time he told me he was going to cut my throat for minor infractions against his God-Given Authority Over Me (like not wearing a belt for morning scripture study, or not taking the path he thought was best to get to a lesson) was a bad day. Every P-Day where he read my emails over my shoulder to make sure I wasn’t telling my parents about how he was treating me, every day he told me that the ward members would never believe me over him, every day he put me down in front of other elders and they laughed in agreement, every day he was in a bad mood and took it out on me was a bad day. But the worst day was the day I told the mission president about it. I told him about the threats to my life, his temper, his physical abuse, hiss manipulation and rule-breaking, and the mission president told me “The time to tell me this was 6 months ago. The time to forgive him and focus on your own failings is now.”

I don’t think I’ve ever felt as confused or betrayed as I did then. Like, man oh man, that was a rough thing to hear, but as the day went on I kept feeling more and more confused and scared – had I misinterpreted everything? Had I miscommunicated something in telling the story? Had I not been objective enough in recounting the threats against my life? Was it true that a senior companion actually had the authority to hurt me if I went against his authority? Was I wrong the whole time? I had no idea, to be honest, but it was bewildering.

Knowing now what I wish I had known then, I would have done things differently. But in the moment, on a mission, knowing that my biggest reason for going on a mission was the hope that the Spirit of God, which hymns told me burns like fire, would burn the faggot out of my heart. I think I felt like I deserved it. Like somehow that elder knew the evil I was hiding and felt compelled by God’s power to hurt me. I think that’s what made it so hard to defend myself in the moment – I did not have that problem with other elders. The companion who told me we were gonna wrestle to settle an argument lost three consecutive matches and pouted about it for like a week. The elder who threatened to punch me for making a joke at his expense got knocked on his ass just for raising his fist. But this elder got into my head first, and that made it hard to fight against it. Instead of fighting against it, I just silently lived with actual, verifiable, diagnosed, by-the-book, DSM-5-TR Posttraumatic Stress Disorder because I thought I deserved it. It took consistent supervision of my clinical work revealing countertransference with Male LDS clients (I consistently discussed addressing shame in a client’s presentation where no shame or discomfort had been reported), an awkward conversation with @inbabylontheywept after an even more awkward dinner with a cousin who vaguely reminds me of that companion, and a bad acid trip where I had visceral flashbacks to my mission, before I was able to realize that I was living with a pain that was as abnormal as it was unnecessary.

Even once I realized it, even once I got help, it was hard. I remember telling jokes about what happened to my therapist and seeing her jaw just…drop. She said she didn’t know it had been that dangerous for me. The session ended and he sent me the PCL-5 (a good, evidence-based, highly face-valid measure for PTSD) and some other measure for dissociative symptoms and I was like “Girl, I just took this class, I know what you’re trying to measure and this ain’t it.” I reported my symptoms accurately and was fully prepped to confront her the next session. She showed me my scores and the norms used, and I was like “Oh fuck, this looks really bad on paper,” and she was like “Yeah, I can’t imagine living like this” and I just sobbed for most of that session. We ended up doing 9 months of TF-CBT and ACT (largely because I am a terrible and uncooperative patient, realistically I think I could have been done in like 5-6 months if I wasn’t so stubborn) before I was discharged from treatment successfully.

The thing that was so weird about starting therapy for PTSD was that it made things feel worse for a while. I started taking edibles a lot more. I started behaving differently around family members and Mormons. I started being outright hostile to elders I could see. It took about 3 months before I could see the missionaries and not have an actual fight-or-flight response to their presence. I think the way I had made it a far as I did without getting treatment was by repressing the thoughts, feelings, and memories that made it all hurt, and a soon as I let them just be there it was like all the confusing aching hurt came back. The first few months of therapy were just spent expanding the amount of time I could feel that hurt before turning to other means (like dissociation, cannabis, repression, etc.) so I could actually address the experiences without crashing the rest of the day. It was hard. I know I ended several sessions sweating a LOT from the exertion it took to just let the feelings happen. By 6 months, however, I could go into a church building without blacking out from panic. By 9 months I could sit in the same room as elders without sweating and shaking like a chihuahua on Adderall. 3 months after therapy and me and my supervisors noticed that my work with Mormon men had improved substantially. 6 months after therapy and I was able to begin writing anonymous stories online. Now, about two years after completing therapy, I feel like I can talk about it without needing the cloak of anonymity, and that is empowering.

Again, I am not sure why I’m typing these stories out – they’re not fun to write, I don’t love that my family can find these posts, but I guess I just like to remind myself and others that it can always get better. That mind numbing platitude, the old thought-terminating cliché that “it gets better, just power through it” doesn’t give enough credit to how much it hurts to get through it, but it does get better. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. The triggers can go away with time, great effort, significant expense, and a lot of discomfort. The world can feel safe again, the hurt can feel bearable, that nagging worry that I might have deserved this, or that I did something wrong, can eventually go away too. It’s not easy to do it, and I have an incredible respect for the patients of mine who can pull it off, but it is undeniably as doable a it is difficult. If this story resonates with anyone, if it feels close-to-home, if these experiences feel shared, just know that the relief I talked about can feel shared too. Know that it’s worth it to get the help, that you deserve the help, that you deserve to live a life that doesn’t hurt you, that you deserve to be a full person and not a living prison for the pain and memories. Know that healing yourself does not involve extending forgiveness to Them, whoever They are. That the pain you felt will not be made less important by making the pain less potent. Know that taking care of yourself now is, in a way, taking care of yourself then. And Please, with a capital P, take care of yourselves.

Thank you to my family, especially my immediate family (special shout outs to @flowerologists and @inbabylontheywept) for the support and patience with me as I dealt with this.

Thank you to my therapist, Jordin Borques, who I recommend highly to anyone seeking trauma therapy in Arizona.

Thank you to my wife, @cintailed, for being the push that got me into therapy, and for taking care of me at my worst and still being here with me.

Thanks to my mission president for being such a colossal disappointment to Christianity that my departure from the church was inevitable.

And a general thanks to the queers for being so cute and making life worth living, even on bad days.