#like i could actually be on my period. it feels like it. LMAO. but i know thats not true 🥰. i went the whole day like that doing wudhu
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Would love to hear more about the Miss Congeniality Au!
ahhh miss congeniality au, my beloved!!!! 💖💗💞💕🩷❤️ truly, truly, truly i feel like this au could be so much FUN if i could find the discipline and motivation to just sit down and write it lmao. but i will say i v much enjoyed fitting all the pieces together for this snippet so here's hoping it awakens something in me askdjhf
i hope you like it 🥰
~
Eddie never imagined becoming a special agent. Then again, he never imagined becoming a single dad either.
But FBI work actually keeps him chained to a desk a hell of a lot more than regular police work used to and the pay’s better.
He’s regretting that decision right about now.
“Eddie, it has to be you.”
He pinches the bridge of his nose, quickening his step even as Chimney continues to keep pace with him.
“It absolutely doesn’t, Chim.”
“The whole office agrees-“
Eddie stops short, whirling around. “Just because the little simulation version of me you drew up on the computer had an eight-pack-“
“My computer does not lie, Diaz-“
“I don’t have time,” Eddie cuts in. “I can’t be away from Chris that long.”
“It’s one week. Less, if you do your job right.”
Eddie makes a face.
It’s the stupidest thing he’s ever heard. A charity firefighter competition that he really thinks sounds a hell of a lot like a beauty pageant. Sure, there’s obstacle courses and stuff to complete but he’s not sure what a speedo competition has to do with being a competent firefighter. The cause is noble, he guesses, but there has to be a better way to raise money than deciding who’s the most specialist firefighter in all of Los Angeles.
Especially when the host – Captain Bobby Nash – is the target of a bomb threat.
It wouldn’t even have landed on their desk if not for the fact that three people with ties to Bobby Nash and the LAFD had received bombs in the mail over the last two weeks.
Athena thinks their best chance to take down the mail bomber is to have someone on the inside, to infiltrate the competition and investigate the contestants while also being the FBI’s eyes and ears throughout the week.
Hen and Chim, of course, volunteered Eddie for the job.
“I don’t like undercover work.” It’s an oversimplified version of the truth – that Eddie hates having to perform for an extended period of time and that this competition sounds like his own personal version of hell. Also, as much as he knows he’s in good shape, he doesn’t actually want people ogling his body for a week straight.
Chim gives him an incredibly unsympathetic clap on the shoulder. “Just use those big, brown eyes of yours and wow the judges with your salsa skills and no one will be any the wiser.”
Eddie opens his mouth to argue back when another voice cuts through their conversation.
“She said yes!”
He and Chimney both look up to find Hen running towards them, a beaming grin on her face. “Athena said yes! Better start practicing your poses, Firefighter Diaz.”
Well, shit.
-
Captain Bobby Nash has got a made-for-TV smile that has Eddie understanding why he got the hosting gig over every other fire captain in LA.
“Special Agent Grant,” he says, shaking Athena’s hand with a warmth to his expression that Eddie doesn’t expect.
Athena clearly doesn’t expect it either because she clears her throat as she pulls her hand back. “Captain Nash. This is Agent Diaz.”
Nash redirects his attention to Eddie, extending his hand once again. “Great to meet you. And please, call me Bobby.”
“You too,” Eddie says, flashing a polite smile and following Athena’s lead to take a seat in front of Bobby’s desk.
“So I take it there’s been some progress in the case?” Bobby asks, settling into his chair.
Athena purses her lips, exchanging a look with Eddie. “Not as much as we’d like. Given that we still don’t have a trace on the letter the bomber sent and the LAFD’s reluctance to cancel the competition, we’ve decided to send one of our agents in undercover.”
Bobby’s eyes immediately flick to Eddie and Eddie feels the ridiculous urge to straighten his posture. “I’m guessing that’s where you come in, Agent Diaz?”
“Not that we want to undermine the integrity of the competition but it will be imperative that Eddie makes it to the final,” Athena says. “It’s the best chance we have of catching the bomber if we can’t determine a suspect before then.”
Bobby leans back in his chair, regarding them both with an unreadable expression. Finally, he cracks a smile. “Well, he certainly looks the part.”
“He gets that a lot,” Athena snorts and Eddie ducks his head to hide the heat in his cheeks. It’s bad enough when it’s Hen and Chim ribbing him; he didn’t actually think Athena ever overheard them.
“Which firehouse is he representing though?” Bobby asks. “All of the contestants have already been chosen.”
Without missing a beat, Athena hands over a file that Eddie knows contains the fake details of his new identity. “Apparently the 133’s entry came down with an awful bout of food poisoning.”
Bobby accepts the manila folder with a faint smirk. “Well, that’s a shame.”
-
“Diaz. Diaz, do you read me? Over.”
Eddie rolls his eyes as he steps onto the bus ready to ship the contestants to the opening luncheon. “Yes, Chim,” he mutters under his breath. “I can hear you; stop yelling.”
“Remember to smile, Eddie.” That’s Hen.
How Athena thought they were the two best suited to oversee this, he’ll never understand.
He scans the length of the bus, looking for an empty seat. The whole place is overrun with burly men in too tight t-shirts talking animatedly to each other. It takes him a second to realise one of the men in question is waving at him.
He’s got curly hair and a golden retriever-esque eagerness to his smile. “Edmundo?” he asks. “From the 133, right?”
Eddie clears his throat and rearranges his face into a smile as he makes his way to the empty seat. Though calling it an empty seat feels generous when the firefighter all but shoves himself against the window to make room.
“How’d you know who I was?” he asks, genuinely curious. They only finalised the details of Eddie’s position in the competition yesterday and they made sure to leave any of his information off the official competition website.
“Oh I did a little deep dive on the other contestants but you were the only one who didn’t have a picture so I figured it had to be you.” He shrugs with an affable charm before offering Eddie a hand. “I’m Evan Buckley, with the 118. Everyone calls me Buck though.”
“He’s cute,” Hen says in his ear.
“Like a puppy,” Chim adds.
Eddie ignores them and shakes his hand. “Uh, you can call me Eddie,” he greets. Changing his last name was necessary; he refuses to go by Edmundo for the next week. It’s only then that he clocks the station number Buck said. “You’re part of Nash’s team.”
“Yeah,” Buck says, beaming with pride. “Bobby’s the best captain ever. You know some of these guys have it out for me because they think he’s gonna play favourites even though he’s not a judge. He’s just the host. But whatever, it’s not a big deal.”
The dejected look that creeps onto Buck’s face suggests it very much is a big deal even if he won’t admit it. Eddie feels a pang of sympathy. The guy seems harmless, even with all the rippling muscles. Then again, he’s not surprised a competition this testosterone-fuelled has people acting territorial.
“They just want an excuse for when you beat them in the first round,” Eddie says, mostly to fill the silence but also to get this Buck guy to stop looking so downtrodden.
He definitely doesn’t expect the way Buck’s whole face lights up in awe.
“You think I’ve got a shot at making it to the finals?”
The earnest hopefulness in Buck’s voice catches Eddie off guard and Hen and Chimney in his ear don’t help.
“Aww Eddie’s making friends!”
“Forget friends! Eddie, he’s cute; keep flirting with him.”
Eddie bites down on the urge to tell them to fuck off and makes himself smile at Buck instead. “’Course you do. Some of these guys are lucky they even made it this far.”
Truthfully, Eddie hasn’t even taken the time to look at anyone else on the bus all that much yet but the words tumble out of his mouth without permission. And in the face of Buck’s delighted grin, he can’t find it in himself to take them back.
“Thanks, man,” Buck says bashfully. “Hey, you have anyone to share a room with at the hotel yet?”
“Please tell me there’s only gonna be one bed,” Hen squawks gleefully in his ear.
“Uh I don’t know. Are they assigned or-?”
“They figured since most of us know each other we could pair up however we want but- um…” Buck trails off, making it clear no one has offered to share with him and well, it seems like he knows a lot about the other contestants. That could be good for Eddie. To get information and close the case. Obviously.
“Yeah, man. We can share.”
“Awesome!” Buck declares, slumping more comfortably in his seat and bumping his shoulder –probably accidentally – against Eddie’s. The bus gets moving then and Eddie takes the opportunity to scope out some of the other contestants.
It’s unlikely their suspect is another firefighter but not impossible.
“So how come I’ve never seen you at a scene before?”
Eddie blinks, redirecting his attention to Buck who’s looking at him curiously.
“Oh uh, I just transferred in the last couple of months.”
“From where?” Buck’s expression doesn’t look suspicious and Eddie has to remind himself not every conversation with a stranger needs to be an interrogation.
“Um, El Paso,” he says, immediately cringing on the inside. This man does not need to know any of his real life personal details.
But Buck only smiles again. “Cool. I’ll have to look out for you on calls from now on.”
And it’s not said flirtatiously or anything like that but Buck looks bashful again and Chimney is cackling his ear about how, “Eddie’s got a fan,” and Eddie’s stomach does a strange, traitorous flip.
But this is fine.
Everything is fine.
It’s just-
It’s going to be a long week.
-
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Forever and Ever... Even in the 1920s-1960s
Started going down a long digression in the 2+4 essay. Gonna follow this breadcrumb trail over here instead...
One of my arguments is that Gordon actually behaves well and graciously way more often than he is usually given credit for (and starts doing this way earlier than often credited, too).
Along the way, I realized that his spots of bad behavior are not random. When he starts acting all Ass, it's almost always in the period of some sort of major change in his life:
The Three Railway Engines - *waves hand vaguely* all of it -> he's just transferred from the GNR to Sodor
Troublesome Engines - *waves hand again* y'know, all of it -> Thomas moved away :(
Henry the Green Engine - harrumphing about how Henry has let the side down in like three different ways directly after Henry's major reconstructive surgery -> the horrible wreck where Henry, his best friend, could have died, and instead was in hospital the rest of the damn winter
Gordon the Big Engine - "Mind you keep on the rails today!" and then, when he gets pushback, retreating to old friend "boasting" -> is he mother-henning Henry?? he's explicitly referencing the Kipper accident! I would not be too shocked to learn that Gordon gets twinges of unease that he never examines every so often whenever he sees Henry with a train
Percy the Small Engine - "Quack quack quack!" and trying to bully Duck (lol. lmao, even) -> Percy is gonna move away :(
Main Line Engines - getting on his high horse about "Branch Line Diesels" and then getting into a huge spat with Edward that results a brand-new beat-down of a dead horse named "Edward is Weak and Useless" -> We learn in "Wrong Road" that his fireman is new. Presumably his old fireman advanced to fill the role, leaving the vacancy... which means that Gordon recently lost his old driver to retirement.
You might be thinking "well yeah, stressors are stressful, most people's outbreaks of bad behavior have to do with some sort of Big Life Thing" - I certainly thought so, for a mo'. But this isn't true of the other major characters? James's worst behavior in the Wilbert books comes when he is slightly delayed sometimes during his work day and when Toby just, erm… exists. Thomas's worst behavior is because he… doesn't like his snowplough, and has a careless cleaner.
No, only Gordon's poor behavior can so consistently be linked to big changes. Indeed, not many RWS characters have been seen with quite as much of an interior life as we learn Gordon has in "Tenders for Henry." By that point, Gordon has matured enough that he doesn't express his feelings in this emotionally-stupid make-it-everyone's-problem sort of way. But we can see clearly that the end of steam seems to affect him more deeply than anyone else at Tidmouth.
So yeah, I think there's something real and insightful in the above pattern. Once again, my friends - Galloping Sausage with Feelings.
#he has so many feelings y'all#get him a therapist he needs better coping skills#the railway series#ttte#ttte gordon
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the masculine urge to take a saucepan off thr draining board and bash myself repeatedly over the head with it until I pass out and no longer have to experience feeling Bad 😍
#struggling to tolerate this one ngl its fucking dire this weekend. i just cant do this man#thr things i would fucking do for attention please. just one person to notice and care in the slighest i feel like im losing my fucking#mind out here how does every single person who has ever mattered to me in my lifr see me in distress and choose to ignore it or maybe they#dont even recognise im ij distress in the first place i dont know whats worse i dont think i hide it well at all im just so done#listen like ultimately its fucking fine. i will get myself through it like ive gotten myself through everything else in my fuckijg life#i dont even feel bad that often these days im doing so so so much better and its so much more tolerable to only have to deal with this#once or twice a week instead of it being a struggle every single day like i dont think i could go back to feeling like that again ever i#dont know how i managed to get througyh it before jesus fucking christ. but i can deal with it i can deal with this#ik ill feel fine tomorrow. its just thr fact im so desperately fucking alone with it that makes it so much worse than it has to be#i fucking hate repression i hate being so incapable of expressing myself that its easier for me to injure myself than it is to talk about#how i feel to anyone i hate being trapped in this stupif fucking torture labyrinth and not knowing how to get out of it and never being#given a single avenue anything to hold onto i hate having to do it alone every single fucking time and when i do try i just freeze out#entirely i cant form a coherent thought my brain enters total fucking shutdown pure static white noise fuzz and i dont know why please#its so unfair i dont think its that much to want a little comfort. just once just for someone to stay with me while i cry it doesnt have#to be more than that i just dont want to be alone like this i just want to feel safe around someone just close to someone just once#and well ill survive without it bc i always have i guess. so far at least. and there are many things im grateful for and i do in general#feel pretty okay my life is pretty good at times even. i feel so pathetic and stupid and ashamed for even feeling like this#but do i have to go my entire life without ever experiencing any kind of real intimacy with another person emotionally that is#i mean physical is nice too and they go hand in hand in some ways but i just want to feel seen and safe over anything.im tired#i feel like i try.but not hard enough i know its all my fault really but i dont know how to try any harder but nothing will ever change if#i dont i cant expect anyone to do anything if i cant rven communicate in thr first place. oh i dont want to think about it anymore#i have a headache from crhing and its not even 8pm ugh. okay. well it is what it is.#ill breathe until i calm down and then tidy up whatever i left in the kitchen and get my work stuff ready for tmr#and polish my boots maybe. and read and go to bed at 9:30 i think. and ill feel fine in the morning#my fault for thinking about it earlier i know i shouldve nipped it earlier on its such an easy spiral to fall into i need to get better#it happens. okay anyway. no cause for concern im good guys. weakly thumbs up at the camera all covered in blood#my period is late actually thats probably all this is lmao. makes sense thinking abt it#cant wait for it to finally start and all earthly desire to leave my body so i never experience pain again amen#.vent#ignore this sorry for being mentally ill im not even that mentally ill anymore so no excuse rly ummmm. bit embarrassing innit.
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I may have writers block rn but I can assure you that miss 'y/n' reader girlie will never 'giggle' she will be teheing for no-one in my fics. My great sense of second hand embarrassment can not handle it. The word actually triggers my fight or flight for some reason.
"You giggled" NO TF I DID NOT
I shall tehe for no one. I may bark, beg, get on my knees, but giggle... GIGGLE? I draw the line.
#yeah#thanks for coming to my ted talk#i actually hate the word with a passion#like how people hate squelch#or moist#i cant with goggle#it feels infantasising and its only ever used for women#its feels misogynistic and fake u know#like no#i could write an essay but it would be waffle#i just dont like the word#no hate if u use it lmao#i will just choose to ignore it#after a minor period of annoyance#at y/n not the writer#cos theyre usually a girl and i cnat do that#i suport womens rights and wrongs#but i dont support giggling#get a grip#or dont lmao#apologies#for the rant#lmao#x reader#x yn#x y/n#smut#fluff#angst#hurt/comfort
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also uh im kind of not thinking about it much because its insane. but if everything goes right (and i mean a considerable amount of things that probably wont go as planned) but if they DO... i will have a major surgery in like two weeks
#vertical sleeve gastrectomy to be exact insert nerd emoji here#i might document a lot of whats going on with it and even take some videos honestly#not to share here other than some oversharing text posts about probably constipation LMAO#but like no one shares whats it like to be mentally ill and go thru vsg and like the process and not many people as young as me get it#feels weird calling myself young on the chronically 13 year old website#but anyone that does post about it posts for like a year and then falls off the face of the earth#genuinely there are so many youtubers that start talking about this stuff#then you find their channel three years deserted and its like man.#i sure hope this means you found better ways to spend your time#and like okay time to get sappy and corny as hell in the notes so go ahead and skip this part idk who even reads my notes hello#but basically everyones that gets this shit is like you gotta find your why#and most of them have kids or like a husband or plans to travel the world or do better at their job#and none of those things really apply to me#i kind of have the perfect storm for being fat#i dont do anything work wise that encourages any kind of movement#im chronically afraid of planes and i cant afford that shit anyways rn#also not very good at romance LOL and never want kids and my entire family is also fat barring my brother#thats not to absolve myself of any of the blame for this shit either like i know i put myself in this situation#i just think like wow my life is pretty much perfect for staying fat but i DONT WANT THAT#I want the highlight of my week to be more than eating takeout man#i want to live life instead of meal to meal to something better#idk what yet maybe jewelery piece to jewelery piece#i could do some serious kandi making while im down for the count#but i dunno man my therapist tells me that in order to feel like a person and not get tired of life i have to do people things and#participate in life yknow?#and its hard to do things like go to the gym talk to people explore fashion styles when i have this overloomingness of being fat#so i guess that could be my why? like i want to experience more of life#i want to be able to walk in a mall and look at all the stores. i want to walk in a mall period. cause it fucking hurts the way i am now#thats all to say the actual “why” that i have is Goddamn it i want to be able to jump from a swing#and not break my fucking ankles
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lmaoooooo im clearing out a shit ton of like junk photos and screenshots bc my google storage is full and wow
#LMAO there was uh a Period Of Time where i was screenshotting entire convos so my mom could read them#so my mom could confirm for me that it was not in fact me who was losing my mind#like it reached a point i was like crowd surfing live convos bc the other wide was so fucking crazy i was like yall be honest wtf is happeni#it was literally me asking people like read this convo tell me am i losing my mind or is this CRAZY and it was always no this is crazy fr 😭#and i just reread one of them and holy GOD i cannot believe i put up with that shit that was CRAZY#oh my god if someone talked that way to me now...#i was truly in HELL. i was in the pits oh my god and i just took it. bc i had to. and OHHH WOW#thank god that is in the past😭😭😭#what a reminder of how truly insane and horrible that all was i mean GODDAMN#in hindsight it was actually WORSE than i admitted to myself in the moment#SCREAM#AND LIFE GOES ON!!!!!!!!! it always goes on!! so just survive it!! bc one day you will look back and laugh#god ive been reading them all and it is actually upsetting. reliving trauma fr like WOW. oh my god#im glad i kept these though. bc now 2 years later im fully myself again and i can SEE IT. for what it was. and WOW. just wow. W O W#what a measure of the healing and growing ive done though truly bc i would NEVER let anyone treat me that badly ever again yk#LIFE!!! MOVES!!!!! ON!!!!!!!!!!#i truly feel. lighter oddly reading this all now too. bc it's... validating tbh. like yeah i was Not the problem lmfao holy fucking shit#it is SO clear in hindsight. and everyone was trying to tell me. but i couldnt see a way out so i pushed it aside#but everyone knew and everyone was right like WOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW#and it's closed now. the chapter. it's tbh Been Closed but like closed in a final way now#now that ive reread it all and been like yeah. Fuck that. i survived that. and never again! and it's Done for good 🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻
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last night i was poking around in my mouth as u do and i reached back where i had always felt this hard thing w my tongue for awhile now but was like ah maybe it's just like. my gums being inflamed in the back or smthn BUT,, no i poked that thing with my fingernail n it is a tooth that is a whole ass wisdom tooth
#NO WONDER... MY JAW IS IN PAIN ALMOST ALL THE TIME.... HUH..#i wonder if that period where i literally couldnt move my jaw from the pain for like a week was when it was emerging#otherwise the pain is like not awful. not bad enough it's noticeable u know im used to it i have so many aches n pains in my body naturally#like my entire head has a constant ache. if u touch my cheekbones ill drop my head like a cat into ur hand dude it is .#it's like the most relieving ache . like u have just lifted a massive weight off my shoulders. and it's been that way since i was a kid#i think i googled if thats what it was before n they were like no if it were your wisdom tooth youd know :) it would hurt u so bad#which i despise btw because this means nothing to me BHJAH.... like they said the same thing when i broke my foot the nurse that did intake#i was a kid & she was like dont worry if it were broken youd know and you wouldnt have walked in here on it ... fellas . it was broken#& i could never see anything when i looked in the mirror#but it's just because it's slightly covered by like swollen gums back there which i always thought was just because i chewed too hard#but.#no i guess it;s because something was erupting like an alien#i used my lil pokey tool to squish em out of the way and i can see it#it's so weird just having a tooth u know u shouldnt#like i . i want to just grab it i want to just hold it in my hand#why does it have to be so securely in place whihc is something i wouldnt never say for my other teeth HJBA#i am not going 2 have it removed any time soon im .#i have wanted to go to the dentist my whole life but i am too scared#esp w the damage from my ed and depression im so embarrassed#i honestly want to though#there is nothing that would make me feel more like an actual person then to just. get a cleaning#get my maintenance done LMAO#i do my best at home but u kno#i use an electric spinning toothbrush i floss i use mouthwash i do it all 2 try n handle what damage there already is#but it still would do wonders for my mental health and oral health#apparently partial impactions which is what i have can be really bad n get infected so . aha...h. 👍:).. ..h.
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i have to be one of the dumbest people alive
#this happens every single time like this entire week i was going insane out of my mind and i thought to myself haha this happens all the#time when im pmsing but im sure im just being irrational rn like this whole week. ive been whining and crying and cramping and hurting#in weird places and getting bloated and all these things and i was like well ig im just being hysterical maybe i need to go outside#and honestly going outside did help a little but today like. for so long i was like DAMN this really genuinely feels like im pmsing#like i could actually be on my period. it feels like it. LMAO. but i know thats not true 🥰. i went the whole day like that doing wudhu#and praying and reading quran like that thinking everything was fine because i was being irrational and guess what i found tonight 😐#i really dont understand how after this long of doing stupid shit like this i havent learned my lesson yet but here we are ig#hanancouldyounot
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Didn't think the 1989 version of The Woman In Black would be scarier than the one with Dan Radcliffe in it
I was Wrong flkjdsafkldsja, but I'm delighted to have been wrong. I had missed getting scared with more practical effects/careful timing of things in the background of shots appearing and disappearing, and this one scratches that itch well.
#text post#also fun seeing how differently they interpreted the characters and how they act#personally i'm realising that the Dan version was sort of. Americanised? Which is probably something I should have realised at first watch#but it only hits now when it's like. how to explain#the casts of both versions are both amazing let's preface with that#but. the Dan version felt very Cinematic. I got scared but was also very aware I was watching An Movie during it#(it got colour-graded quite blue which isn't necessarily a bad thing but it does register in my head as Peak Cinematic for the current time#the version of the characters in this 89 version feel slightly more real? accurate to the culture they come from?#like. there's an American Openness between the ones in the Dan version#they're too open to share and hand out compliments and comments like candy they have too much of#everyone is Nice in a way that feels mildly unrealistic#and when they are mad at each other there's tension but a tension#that to me at least you don't worry abt much bc it just feels almost Already Resolved#and it does sort of just drop off and wind up that way tbh#tho I admit it's been a bit since I read the original story so my apologies if I'm misremembering that it did the same in the book#but I could swear there was more that bit of tension there#anyway it isn't that the 89 characters are all mean but they feel Actually British for lack of better words#they have moments of kindness and do have a general sense of like. yeah they care for their community but also they're getting on w/themsel#and their business and not lingering on the interactions#They're kind but not nice and they just. get on with things which is very nice#and feels more in line with the time period to me/what I expect out of a story like this#anyway speaking of Dan found out the guy playing Arthur in this also played the dad in the gross wizard franchise#which wasn't something I expected to see lol#this is my long barely an essay no one asked for and your sign to go watch the 89 version asap#it's on YT for free which is where I'm watching it so genuinely if anyone want link. I have link fjkdlsfjadlsa#I have so many more thoughts comparing and contrasting Dan to 89 but there are so many tags i'm making myself stop lmao
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.
#tw ed#saw a picture of myself from when i was *checks notes* at my fucking worst with my ED but that meant i was also Thinner.#i really should Go Back huh. maybe if i did i wouldnt feel. Like This.#it'd prolly mean id start losing my hair again which. not a big fan. BUT.#if i was really dedicated i could also lose my period which. huge fan. that was one of the best things that ever happened to me tbh#i could have it all back. maybe i could even get farther than the last time. all it would take is uhh feeling utterly fucking miserable#having no energy for the most basic stuff let alone singing and thinking about nothing and i mean NOTHING but calories 24/7.#but hey. maybe i could like. lose 5 kg for my troubles and then gain back twice as much when i decide again that i just Cant Live Like This#totally worth it huh#anyway. i miss hating my body A Little Less and people being Nicer to me and everyone telling me how good of a job im doing#and encouraging me to keep going. and i miss the sense of Accomplishment and the Pride and the Not Feeling Disgusting#or at least Making Up For It by just. not eating lol#cause like its not like im actually much better mentally am i lmao clearly im not. only now im both miserable AND fat.#obviously ill never be s/kinny let alone as s/kinny as my friends. ill still look like a glitch in the system and a mistake next to them.#but if i have to be miserable anyway i could at least be. less f/at about it right. maybe then ill be worth something <3#...and other delusions you keep cultivating because there's something deeply and inherently wrong with you#my new bestseller coming soon to your nearest bookshop dont miss it its only $free.99!
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🦋
#when i was growing up my mom Only gave me incredibly inappropriate advice lmao.#i was raised by my toxic high school best friend-- except she was like that my whole life lmao.#she told me once to corner this girl i had problems w in the bathroom during class one day&beat the fuck out of her#&if i did to call my mom before i did it so she could call school&tell them she was taking me the period before so i had an alibi lmao.#she gossiped about me to my friends when she was angry w me-- something that actually ruined my life in a real way#when she was angry at me so she told a friend of mine i was cheating on my boyfriend at the time so that 'friend' told him#(she just wanted him to know he deserved better&she was there for him if he needed someone to talk to :))#&he beat me almost to death+threw me off the back of his motorcycle lmao.#when i mentioned that he thought i was cheating on him to my mom bc of a friend telling him i was my moms immediate response was to#deny vehemently that she has anything at all to do w it-- something i had not thought of until right then&realized the time my then bf#thought i cheated on him my mom was the only person who knew i had gone out. shed actually threatened to tell him herself#bc i was out bc i was arguing w her at the time lmao.#every memory i have of that woman makes me feel queasy lmao.#every time she yelled at me&told me i was depressing&i ruined everything w my horrible attitude.#the time she told me she didnt want to wait for me while i was limping up stairs bc she was in a bad mood&we were late for a movie#she wanted to see so she literally stomped her foot before yelling at me to hurry up lmao.#every time she called me selfish&cruel&insisted that the problem in every relationship i had was me#ESP the relationship i had w her.#i miss my mom sometimes. i hate my mom a lot of the time.#but more than anything i am just so fucking grateful she's out of my life.#i dont think ive changed a whole lot at my core throughout my life but im absolutely positive cutting her out of my life made it possible#for me to be a better person just in general.
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i got maybe possessed a little bit and wrote fandom poems which i don't think i've done since. uh. at the latest i was in high school. anyway. the power of disco and love compelled me
#aiden's monologuing#ailbde#ailb#i'm not gonna post them yet. or maybe ever.#fandom isn't exactly known for poetry lmao#i'm worried since i've only played through one chunk of the game and i know there's lots more#what if my poem is actually inaccurate if enough points are in one specific stat in one specific interaction#i'm bein a lil ridiculous. i'm really sleepy rn#i'll look at them tomorrow and see how i feel then#i like the poems. i periodically edited them over the past like. ten hours#ghshfks. bed#i could put them on ao3. and also put a fic there i wrote back in the summer#though technically they don't have to be read as fandom poems. intentional choice to not be Too specific#anything written could just be taken as Symbol#ok goodnight. love love. sleep
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#tw fertility#tw pregnancy#tw periods#okay so like fully realizing that I definitely just can’t count#and I’ve been stressed so that’s why my period is late etc etc#there’s no real concern im actually pregnant (it would be one step above the next messiah lmao)#but it’s so weird being someone who actively wants kids#in this spot where I’m 25 and financially stable with a fiance I love who will be a good dad#and we aren’t trying for a kid because it’s just bad timing and I JUST passed the bar and started work#but it also wouldn’t ruin our lives and we could rally#so I don’t feel that genuine all encompassing relief with a negative test anymore#there’s always a little twinge of sadness or disappointment#that my s/o obviously will not understand (nor do I expect him to) because he didn’t want kids until he met me#not like he changed his mind we were just 19#but yeah idk. its weird.#I don’t want to be pregnant or have a baby rn but I’m also sad whenever it doesn’t happen
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#lmao i spent my half-hour walk home from uni on the verge of tears#and actually cried listening to renegade btw#and then i get home#and guess who the fuck got their perioddddddddddd?????????#i fucking hate it here#not to be all special snowflake but like i hate it when my period ‘invalidates’ my feelings#like. oh yeah i’m on my period. the existential suffering is actually hormonal.#but it is .#i wish i could articulate this better but i’m a survivor of a whole day in uni <3#rambles
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Every time I read classic books I feel this pressure to enjoy them, and I just...never do? I can appreciate why they're important or influential for their time, and I appreciate that they exist, but...I just don't enjoy the style? Like they tend to be very repetitive and they have a lot of scenes that frankly...don't do anything to move the story forwards. The kinds of things that today would get the story tossed aside by publishers. And obviously I'm not saying it is bad writing, because again--different time period. Different style. But I wish I could be completely comfortable saying I just don't enjoy those books. For me personally, reading them is often more effort than what I get out of them. And sometimes I will read them anyways because I want to understand references people make to them in other books or media, but at the end of the day they don't bring me joy like modern books or fanfiction do and I think that's okay.
#kayla rambles#i actually do think if i was reading them in a school setting i would enjoy it more#like. i like learning about what a book says about the people of the time period it was written in#but at the same time i hated being forced to analyze things for a grade#i liked learning the opinions other people had on it but i always had this idea in my head that i sucked at analysis--i still have that tbh#i shy away from trying to analyze things i DO enjoy because i just have this idea other people will do it better than me#and sometimes i just don't want to analyze things! which is also okay! but kasjdbsbjf i still feel like it's a shortcoming sometimes idk#and it's annoying i still can't get over this#like i know it basically stems from the fact it was easier for me to get an A in STEM classes while putting in minimal effort#and english--even though i did mostly get As--always felt like a struggle. it always felt like i was missing something crucial#but ironically when i took literature in grade 12--it was an elective class at my school--it was one of my fave classes ever#probably because my teacher was an atheist lesbian and i fucking adored her#she told us on like day 1 she was trying to read the bible so she could understand symbolism in other works better 😂#and she was frankly just a badass lmao#but she also taught it from the lens of what literature said about the people of the time#she brought history and linguistics into everything and she made it feel real#god if she could have taught me english class throughout high school maybe i wouldn't have cared as much about the grade
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I'm thinking about how you guys have said before I write/type a certain way, how you can tell when it's me who wrote the meta in the tags or liveblog or headcanon before you even see the username and
1. WHAT do I write like lol that you can immediately tell its me? ToT
2. Admittedly I do apologize for the bizarre way I word shit at times especially when I'm liveblogging and writing fast like just thoughts and periods between em and. I swear to you I did get As in English classes and could tutor people in writing essays and correct grammar it's just that skill of clarity is absolutely not being used outside academic contexts apparently
#rant#also like. the adhd. i CANNOT summarize my thoughts in like 150 characters or less lmao#which is one reason i never got a twitter#you know how when you have adhd you worry no one is going to properly get what you meant?#and then on top of that your thoughts are scattered and you struggle to summarize so even if they Could grasp#wtf you mean... you still need 2000 words to even communicate it to someone else in a roughly close way to how you meant?#yeah. ;-; yeah thats partly why i type how i do#i hope the bits that arent grammatical ARE conveying my meaning in an emotional way (like the capital letters and periods)#and ARE conveying i mean a joke or emphasis or that its my personal#emotional liveblogging reaction in a comedic over the top way and#not actually the serious No Discussion opinion#like. i am aware its very easy to sound dead serious online and also grumpy and i desire not to come off that way#in work emails which must be of course formal and grammatically correct#i use smiley face abrasively often. like 80% of my emails have :) and thank you!#in them. because i want people to feel that they are being responded to warmly.#meanwhile a literary essay? im to the point and arguementative and theres no I of course in the essays and#theres no concern with sounding nice or anything but making your point#but its a sphere where that is expected. whereas online you talk directly like that?#someone will argue youre implying your opinion is absolute and theirs is invalid (rather than it just being a stating of your opinion#as one of many existing possibilities). and then youre getting yelled at for saying some basic shit like#love coffee as a sleep aid. (because someone has to say coffees BAD and someone else has to shout coffee gives them shakes and insomnia#and u didnt happen to mention in 150 characters or less you have adhd so coffee Does put you to sleep but thats not true of everyone of#course and was NOT meant to be a blanket suggestion and hence you end uo needing... 2000 words to avoid an arguement)
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