#like i cant....perceive
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Does anyone want to explain to me why I can't feel anything
#i mean emotionally#i *literally* do not know what i am feeling to the point of thinking a similar concept to 'nobodys home' in my head and heart#i know i talk about dissociating a lot but i think that this is....depersonalization which feels entirely different and all together worse#i know thats a type of dissociating but its just so confusing and off putting#im trying to hang on thats why im doing my damndest to like research what is happening#and this is all i can come up with#i literally looked at myself in the mirror and felt like my face didnt look like what i think it looks like#looked non familiar in a way#and my eyes looked both wild and sad despite me talking about how im not feeling much#it was uncomfortable and scary#so im trying to do grounding exercises and to allow myself to know its OK that im not all here right now#and that this is temporary and theres nothing to be frightened of#it's a hard sell but i am trying#depersonalisation and derealisation#depersonalization#depersonalisation#insert question marks....if others struggle with this...can you share your experiences with me? as long as theyre not super scary because#i have been really frightened by these feelings lately so i dont wanna be overwhelmed into a panic attack where i really lose connection#yeah and i just am having trouble telling reality vs non reality if im being honest#like i cant....perceive#i cant tell what others emotions are#i can see their actions but i cant perceive what it means beyond that....to the point of thinking it is a ruse#and THATS what's giving me anxiety#or frightening me#i cant tell whats real in some fashion#delete later
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"tek" in "tangotek" does a lot of heavy lifting to make it sound more kiki but "leman" in "skizzleman" makes it sound more bouba
#and now actually add their personalities (or however you/i perceive their personalities) and the categorization becomes even more difficult#wha wah i cant categorize them in neat little boxes (there is just now more boxes. boubaful kiki and kikiful bouba)#zed and impulse like as words are pretty definitive to me. zedaph is bouba and impulse is kikiful bouba#but then i once again think about how i characterize and draw hem and they reverse. zed is kikiful bouba now and impulse is bouba#so basically if i put them in little boxes with characterization and how i draw them in mind#tangotek kiki; skizz boubaful kiki; zed kikiful bouba; and impulse is just bouba#im only really qualified to talk about zed so everyone else is pretty much imho#mauv's meowing
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my sister told me that if you put something in the internet, that thing no longer belongs to you, it belongs to the internet
#i was so shocked ngl#i was drawing Hunter just now and asking myself if anyone's ever thought of him THAT WAY#HE WOULD NEVER#THE THOUGJT OF IT MAKES ME CFINGE#my boy gets all flustered and happy in front of his robot wife he is the real 'my wife is sosoft and i like her'#for B2. sometimes i wonder if ppl might either perceive her as naive#and if they saw her during the prologue they'd just say she's mean and uncaring#then i tell myself 'CANT A BOT BE MEAN AROUND HERE LEAVE HER ALONE !!!!!'X#starbstalks
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the town bisexuals are at your door it is time for you to pick a bride
#ngl lads i am not happy with this one lmfao#been going thru it so just a doodle#anyway so these are just design ideas#penny is this mousey little woman i see as actually kinda tallish but the kind of tall person who does everything to not appear so#maru is just hot tbh she my engineer wife#really tried something with her face and hope it doesnt look horrible#leah is tall as well and you know shes ripped under that shirt#she'll carry you over the threshold and paint your ceiling like the sistine chapel and dedicate it to you#i am not happyy with how haley came ouuttt she deserves better#like i couldve drawn her beautiful hair good but instead i just didnt. whatver#emily still the love of my life its been established#i cant see abigail as a romantic option ngl i perceive her as an impish quasi teenager who likes getting in trouble#i would be her parent figure and give her life advice and bring her to the mines to fight monsters together#anyway peace#sdv#stardew valley#abigail sdv#emily sdv#haley sdv#leah sdv#maru sdv#penny sdv#stardew valley bachelorettes#art by op
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who would win, god of the realm or one (1) hog 🐖
#based on the video technoblade vs hypixel btw PLEEEEEEEASE WATCH IT IF YOU HAVENT#also new simon design wooo i had to redo his entire part of this drawing to account for that#i cant believe he's in an official server animation now waaaaaaaa#um. augh idk what else to say IM JUST GLAD IT'S FINALLY DONE I CAN GO BACK TO DOODLES#THE WEIGHT OF AN UNFINISHED WIP HAS BEEN LIFTED IM FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE#um click for quality or something idk i just like how techno's face turned out in the smaller details hehe.. especially the stripe#and are you proud of me i didnt put the black line under the neck for once. i thought it looked better without it this time#clogging tags to lower visibility dont perceive me outside my circle im scared 🏃🏃🏃#technoblade#simon hypixel#my art
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One makes him up, so the other can break him down.
This is a little terrifying but hello!! Posted my first fic on ao3!! I would've saved the illustrations for the fic's eyes only, but I'm too happy with them haha. Hope you'll still go on to read regardless!!
As always, my thoughts and progress, since I can't help myself:
I'm soooooo proud of these. I never ever really do dramatic lighting, so I'm really surprised that I pulled it off.
It's surreal actually posting this because for a while, I've thought about how if I ever post a fic, I'll have to make illustrations too because I can't do anything not full force. Look at me now! I'm shocked. Also didn't think I'd finish it tonight, but here it sits before you nevertheless(though as always, I'm writing this past my bedtime before class, time efficient as always.) So with that being said, here are some notes, though if I had known I'd be writing this so soon, I would've prepared more lol.
First of all, I hope it's clear both of these are Mark's perception. Gah, the fact that his face is the only one you can see clearly. The first is obviously him unwillingly fantasizing about what exactly went down last night.
Aghhhhh the difference in colors and settings of the two drawings is so important to me. The warmth and intimacy of the bed behind curtains in the first one, and the coldness and openess of the second. It's so clear Mark feels like he's been distanced, like he's been ousted. It's like he's been thrown outside on a cold winter's day, no longer able to feel the heat from the comfortable warm stove inside.
Mark was probably assigned to Seb bcs he has a much greater appreciation for the Spanish etiquette, which Seb has very little interest in. He'll abide by it when he absolutely has to. But he's just a very non-typical Emperor. People find it charming so it's not a public death sentence for him, but it is an issue. Thus, Mark is there to keep him in line. Though important to note that when Fernando, who has an equal if not greater respect for the showmanship of etiquette, realizes Mark is interested in that as well, they start warming up to each other.
The inherent disrespect of Fernando just. Throwing Seb's clothing onto the floor. Meanwhile he probably took like, 20 minutes folding his up(that's what Seb was gonna tell Mark at the end of the fic.) Borderline ripping off Seb's clothes only to edge him. Its not even like the ripping off the clothes is because of passion or anything, he's deliberately being an asshole. Don't worry Nandl, Seb's turned on by it!
So sorry to marknando fans if their dynamic feels like a complete 180 haha. Its not like I'm like, they actually hate each other!! It's just their relationship under completely different circumstances. They're like two dogs in a dog fight, they don't have any real reason to hate each other, but they're put against each other regardless. They don't understand their hatred, just know that they have it and that they're supposed to have it. The inherent hatred the mistress has for the spouse, and vice versa. If they actually were able to talk without barriers, they'd realize they actually get along pretty well. They kinda just hate each other because of their respective relationships to Seb. And then there's Seb who's mostly completely oblivious to his effect, though of course plays with it a bit.
Seb's marriage completely recontextualizes their relationship in Mark's eyes. Though there's something incredibly sado-masochistic about the way he can't blame Seb for it at all. He's a loyal dog after all. But when it was just them, he was obviously Seb's main companion and lover. Seb definitely slept with people on the side, but Mark brushed that off: 1. Bcs its very period typical. 2. He was the main, they were the side, what more needs to be said! But now *he's* the side piece, and is left wondering if their relationship was down to proximity alone. Not to pull a Mark and completely excuse Seb, but it's not. Just very different perceptions of love and relationships. And again, as I've mentioned before, he was raised to always be the most important person in the room, so he obviously has very different understandings, especially since he's always the center.
NANDL!!!!!! In my Habsburg book I've been reading lately, they randomly referred to one of them affectionately as "Nandl" and it's stuck in my head ever since. Can we start a movement to canonize that as an official Fernando nickname? I'm sooooo fond of it, I litrally ended the fic that way just so I could shoehorn that nickname in.
Speaking of the ending. It was really tough, I almost wanted to have Fernando burst in, looking for his ring, and then coming across whatever that is. But I didn't want to disrupt their moment anymore, it felt cruel. Though shame I couldn't mention that the reason why Seb's pants are nowhere to be found is because Fernando accidentally put them on and didn't realize till he was out of the room.
*I FORGOT TO POINT OUT ONE OF MY FAVORITE PARTS! Truly the danger of writing a post while falling asleep. There's something so incredibly funny to me the way they're talking so refined and then Seb just throws out: "that guy." It's a way to show his own disrespect of Fernando, not even using his name, implying he's just some guy(nur ein Kerl.) I laughed writing it cause it reminds me of the random dry humor anecdotes I've read lately.
#GAAAHHH WHY DO I ALWAYS WRITE THESE WHEN I START FEELING SLEEP DIZZY#haha anyways. first fic!!! so terrified icl#i really cant tell if this makes sense or appeals to anyone but me#BUT I LIKE IT AND THATS ALL THAT MATTERS#im ngl i started feeling way too existential and self critical of it so i somehow pushed myself to finish it despite#working on it w a lot of delay and fuss for the month prior#yay for being anxious and self hating i guess....?#waugh anyways please reblog/comment and let me know what you think!!!!!!!#im desperate to know how others perceive this slddsfjls#though im a little scared this fic is too mean LOL#f1#formula 1#mark webber#sebastian vettel#fernando alonso#catie.art.#boy king au#sebmark#martian#vettonso
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as if it was never there at all.
#undertale#deltarune#utdr#gaster#ok little bit of rambling bc ive been catching up on a LOT of deltarune stuff#something something guy(s) who cant be perceived without also ceasing to exist#i had the thought yesterday that. gaster is sort of the anti-chara in a way. if you say his name he ‘disappears’#the game crashes or resets etc. literally the opposite of invoking chara lol#plus how chara is so associated with deletion of worlds. and here gaster is wanting to create new ones#creating new worlds. creating a vessel for the player. creating connections#and its so much more sad when you think about how deltarune is like. fundamentally his attempt to connect with the player#he can maintain a connection with us. but we can’t see him. or show him his own name. or acknowledge his identity in any way#or else that connection will be severed. or he’ll disappear. or he’ll cease to have ever existed#mystery man goes away the moment you interact. egg man was never there but he gave you an Egg#etc etc#the white egg noelle was given in her game makes me think about this too because#that egg remained there the whole time she was afraid of it. it couldnt be thrown away. it wouldnt hatch. it was just There#and then when she comes back later and decides to take care of it like any of her other pets. THEN it disappears#’_____ left home due to happiness.’#how do you form real lasting connections when the connection itself makes you disappear
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You ever think about how All Might has two male exes that both have a child with blonde hair, blue eyes, and a big heart?
#we also have like. absolutely no mention of melissa's mother as far as I know#all we know is that she's quirkless and that she calls Toshi Uncle Might#not only that but these two have such like.#insane attachments to All Might as the symbol of peace#both of them also representing how we was perceived and loved by others#and how these two loved him so much they were willing to go thru so much shit for him#aaaaa the doomed old man yaoi is so real#has anyone else noticed this. please tell me im not the only one.#it just CANT be a coincidence that they BOTH have Blonde hair. Blue eyes. AND are such good hearted and heroic kids.#you can see the evolution of All Might and Toshinori through the specific men he gets close to ngl.#ok. thats it for gay all might posting. the 2nd one for today omg.#evelynpr bnha#bnha#mha#my hero academia#melissa shield#togata mirio#david shield#sir nighteye#all might#yagi toshinori
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i-
#dimension 20#d20#fhjy#emily axford#brennan lee mulligan#fig faeth#i cant even caption this#this scene was fucking everything#emily girl PUT THE MIRROR DOWN I DO NOT LIKE WHAT I SEE#😭😭😭😭#she just plays fig so incredibly and that fear of how others perceive u and dissociation#and feeing like u dont know who u are or what ur true power comes from because u are ao focused on others always#AHHHHHHHHHHH#also brennan as all these moms this season#and he probs knew he was gonna be a dad by the time they were filming im just so#its just all a lot
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Sketch dump! I havent done one of those in a while. These are all from June-July while I was on vacation.
First we have Layal! The delightful Mother of Monsters, aka the Ghost Zone’s most evil mama bear AND my take on a fem!danyal dan! I like to imagine she could pummel Dan into the ground, but that stands true for any and all of my au Dans. Bc i am INCREDIBLY biased.
She mostly lives on her island in the Ghost Zone, taking in monsters of the Infinite Realms of all kind and raising them as her own. Surprisingly enough, she does genuinely love her children. That’s about where her love ends. She stole the minotaur, his name is Asterion.
Then we have Daini-Yel! He’s from an au i’ve never actually talked about on here. He’s literally just Danny for an Epic!-inspired au. He's an unknown entity in the newly released open-adventure, odyssesy-inspired game "Nautilus", and he is not a part of the game's code :). He showed up three months after the game's initial launch, and was discovered during a live when a streamer was on their way to fight a boss much similar to Circe and the streamer accidentally took a detour and found his pathway (of which did not previously exist).
He's very friendly! And offers you, the Captain, a strange liquid with even stranger powers called "Ektolai", in order to help you fight Circe. His whole vibe and creation is literally just the song "Wouldn't You Like" from Epic. If you run into him enough times at the start of the game, you can convince him to join you on your adventure as part of the crew. He's a powerful ally and a very good friend, despite his strange awareness of the world around him...
Oh, but be warned... just like the rest of your companions, your actions have consequences and what you do affects their opinion of you. Daini is no different! Your close allies can quickly become enemies.
#dpxdc#danny fenton is not the ghost king#dp x dc#danny phantom#dan phantom#fem dan phantom#fem danyal al ghul#female dan phantom#danny phantom art#danny phantom fanart#starry art#sketch dump#art dump#dpxdc art#daini doesn't have a health bar if you fight him lol. lmao even.#yes i do ship the captain and daini in-game. so does everyone else who plays it in this au. half of the in-world twitter for nautilus is ju#people begging the devs to let them romance Daini just like the other companions in the game. the devs are shouting at the top of their#lungs: DAINI IS NOT A PART OF THE CODE. WE CANT MAKE HIM DO SHIT. DAINI DOES WHAT DAINI WANTS#there's two versions of this au: one from daini's pov and one from the player's.#daini's pupils are white to indicate that he is non-human to the player. when you drink ekolai the world's colors invert and you can#perceive things that the normal mortal eye cannot. like shrink mode in Alice Madness Returns. in this mode daini's char. model floats#and he has a faint ethereal glow around him. nobody knows what he is and he gives you the dialogue option to ask him what he is.#he just smiles at you if you ask though. he makes his own achievements but they're slightly glitchy when you view them in the steam menu#if you ask me about daini-yel i'll infodump about him more.#his weapons of choice are rope darts. which are very much NOT greek weapons but it fits his whole 'not part of the game' theme
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me personally i take anything as a win. the future is bright and the sky's the limit. today, a sydcarmy slow burn miscommunication angst fest. tomorrow, a sydcarmy pussy eating episode. the universe has set out its plans and it wants first and foremost for me to be happy
#the bear fx#sydney adamu#carmy berzatto#sydcarmy#sydney x carmy#ayo edebiri#jeremy allen white#so anw. the bear season 3. yeah um. that was truly a season 👍🏽#like i see the vision i have perceived it i had fun nonetheless and i still trust that everything they chose to show us and not show was#by design etc etc but likeee the sidelining of the poc characters which has been happening for (checks watch) yeah. three seasons. now. for#white characters that serve nothing but do the shits n giggles did not make for a pleasant viewing experience it was just tired and played#out and corny regardless if it was intentional. in the immortal words of Tatianna: that certainly was a choice Christopher!#especially when u consider the acting chops of said sidelined characters. Edwin Lee Gibson for example? christopher. Christopher.#and the cameos are just. it's over christopher#we're moving past that now it was nice the first time we cant spin the block the second time for a little party trick christopher
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so emesis blue right
click for quality
#team fortress 2#emesis blue#tf2 soldier#tf2 demoman#boots and bombs#i think?? obviously can be perceived as platonic#but i dont wanna n i love em#I don't like how emotions aren't the clearest the soldier aint afraid didn't mean it like that#just byyy his buddy#also i am not in the fandom the gay men game will not consume me I AM STRONG#i just watched emesis blue and liked it like a whole lot and then it turns out ppl think these two should kiss passionately#outside the movie#and i cant disagree wuth that#anyway yeah yayyy thank youu
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purely fanon jason vent below so feel free to ignore
every other fic in the jason todd tag whether its romantic or platonic or whatever just has to include something about the no kill rule or him giving up killing like is it not enough ! have we not hashed out this argument enough already ! can I not read some jason content without having to be randomly bombarded by the morality police and how “oh jasons not killed anyone for x amount of months thats great! we knew u could do it jay”
and I wish I was just joking like I really do but I have scoured the tag almost from top to bottom and it always, without a doubt, has to come up at some point. its his fucking defining character trait apparently. mind u he’s not even the only dc character that kills but yall just won’t let it go! I do not need jason giving up his stance on killing to be written out for me to be able enjoy content about him
and whether its included so that his relationships with other characters can be viewed as ‘realistic’ is just so. what does it matter. its already fan-fiction who the hell cares about justifying the universe that you’re choosing to write him in
#jason todd#dc#red hood#dcu#pls do not interact if u have issues with jasons stance on vigilantism or whatever bc this is rlly not my point#idc whether u hate him for it or not to each their own#I just wish it wasn’t treated as some sort of stain on his character that needs to be addressed in every fic he appears in or else he —#cant be liked or something#like thats a topic that has to be addressed for my love of jason todd and his character and the love other charas have for him to be valid#its giving ‘jason u cannot be loved the way that u are’#and this reiterates the point I made in a previous post about how ppl genuinely dont know how to perceive this conflict and its resolution#the other way around#and how bc of that its always jason who has to be portrayed as making amends or taking a knee#there are so many interesting facets to jason todd so why does it always have to circle back to this one thing#why is it that hes one of the only charas ive seen where a certain plot point can never be looked past when enjoying him in fandom
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Me: OMGJANSJD, Vi is literally one of my favourite characters of all time !!!! She’s EVERYTHING!!! I think about her 25/8, she consumes me entirely.
?: That’s great! Which side of her head is shaved again?
Me:
#Arcane#vi#vi arcane#I CANT REMEMEBERHEIWENWIDNJF WHY CANT I REMEMBERIWNAJDNFN#LIKE WHY… it’s the right side right???? ITS THE RIGHT SIDE I KNOW IT IM CORRECT#like the little details do not STICK I am bad at PERCEIVING
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I love how the Chimmy changa asks have slowly been going from "Chimmy! Chimmy! We love you Chimmy!" To "Make this man suffer." It's parts hilarious and terrifying. More asks need to be for Chimmy hugs. He needs hugs.
HASDKHASBDKAS GODD YEAH. YEAHH.
hold on hwer.s
Chimmy.
#i DO have asks about giving chimmy hugs!#but its a bit hard to do that when he cant perceive u guys atm!!!#god. i should like. just start making a couple of chimmy memes huh#i was SO tempted to draw chimmy getting period cramps like i did with Peri#but this was immediately ready to use absdkhasbda#asks#theweirdestroller#chimmy changa
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Anyways. Academy era designs
#koschei has curlier hair normally but this is drawn in an era where he’s NAWT taking care of himself so his hair hasn’t been washed in like#a week#I draw him with his hands bruised up from rapping the back of his hands in beat with the drums btw#and the eye bags because he CANT sleep with that racket in his head#also. theta has a lot of freckles and moles and koschei sometimes gets a pen and connects them like a connect the dots#just trust me alright trust me so hard#theta has a body that we’d call afab but theta’s always been more comfortable with male centric terms so everyone just perceives him as a m#although I so she/he theta. theta she/he truth#but pronouns ≠ gender so it’s okay#anyways anyways#thoschei#doctor who academy era#koschei oakdown#theta sigma#doctor who#the deca#(well. two of them)#aura’s posts#our art#idk how long the academy has people for like what age they graduate but they’re meant to be the timelord equivalent of like 18ish here#no one talk abt my Gallifreyen. just don’t even#heaven’s art<3
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