#like i always imagine she's somehow stuck there due to some serious event going down idk

[leslieseveride]

i will forever headcanon that when lucy gets pregnant and has her little “labor and delivery adventure” it has to be on the couch in the precinct break room to parallel s1 when she helped that woman deliver her baby in the middle of a standoff between her drug trafficing boyfriend.

[novaiya]

Imagine Arthur/Sean/Charles communicating with a non-English speaking immigrant reader.

Based on this request: can you write imagines for Arthur, Sean and Charles with a non-English speaking immigrant reader? If not that’s totally okay!! (Imagining the interactions that happen between them and the reader as they try to communicate would be funny ^^)

A/N: This was very fun to write, because at some point, I too was a non-english speaking immigrant. Language barrier sucks, but when you have people like Arthur, Charles or Sean, it sucks a little less lol I’m gonna be honest, as much fun as I had wiring this, I struggled a bit, especially with Arthur. If you look at Arthur’s interaction with people who don’t speak English… It seems like he has little to no patience with them lmfao

~

It was your third week with this group of people. It might’ve been fourth or maybe even fifth, but you couldn’t tell. All the days have blended into a one, long nightmare.

You have come to this country, the new world, in search of a better life, and instead, turned out worse than where you came from.

Thankfully, a group of people have picked you up, given you food and shelter and only asked for a small contribution in the form of basic housekeeping (more like camp keeping) in return. But even that was proving to be complicated, for you didn’t speak the language that the people did. You knew a few words before coming to America, basics like “Hello”, “Thank you”, “My name is…”, but nothing more. You were planning to continue your studies once you’ve arrived, but it seems like you'll have learn on the go. You were picking up some stuff here and there from the listening to camp members talk. You would attentively listen to the leader, Dutch was his name, and try to memorize the words he spoke. Plan, faith, and money would be common words in most of his speeches, and you’ve already learned their meanings.

Arthur.

You were taking a break, sitting on the edge of the camp and sketching on a piece of paper. You enjoyed drawing. It was a relaxing hobby, and it would remind you of your childhood, back when things were simpler.

“Hey there,” you heard from behind you. You turned around, seeing Arthur.

“Hello,” you said, your accent evident even in such a simple word.

“What you doing there,” he said as he took a seat next to you, looking at the scrap of paper in your hand.

You took a second to process what he just said. You heard the word “what”, and thought that maybe he was asking what you were doing. You didn’t know how to say you were drawing in english, so you simply showed him the sketch you were working on, pointing at it with your pencil.

“Ah,” Arthur exclaimed, understanding you. “You’re drawing.”

You tilted your head, not understanding what he’s saying.

“Drawing,” he repeated. He used his hand to pretend like he’s drawing. “You,” he said pointing at you, “draw.”

“Draw,” you repeated, looking at his hands then at a scrap of paper on your own. “I am drawing.”

“There you go.”

You smiled when you understood. Even a single word was a victory for you. The sooner you knew the language, the sooner you could get back on your feet.

“I draw too sometimes,” he said.

You turned to look at him.

He shuffled a bit, reaching into his satchel and pulling out a notebook. He skimmed through a few pages before showing you one of them. There, you saw a drawing of a horse. Your own sketch, in comparison to his, looked like chicken scratches.

“You draw very good,” you said.

A small smiled tugged at Arthur’s lips and he said, “thank you”

You nodded your head with a smile on your lips mirroring his. It was nice to have conversations. Due to the language barrier between you and the rest of the camp members, it was hard to make any significant connections. Most of your conversations only went as far as “thank you” or “good morning”. Arthur, however, has been one of the only people trying to bridge the gap between you and the rest of the gang. He would often start talking to you as if the language wasn’t a problem, and if you didn’t understand something, he would try to explain with simpler terms, using his hands or pointing at things, like he did just now when explaining drawing to you.

“I know a place not far from here,” Arthur spoke up, pulling you out of your thoughts, “Lot’s of animals roam there; horses, deers. I can take you there and you can draw them. If you want to, that is.”

You took a moment to understand what he meant. You basically understood every word he said, but was having a hard time of putting them together to understand the meaning behind them.

“You and I go draw together?” you said.

Arthur chuckled a bit. It was not exactly what he meant, but  it was close enough. Maybe he could use that opportunity to get to know you better, as much as the language barrier would allow.

“Sure, we can do that too.”

Charles

You were walking along the outskirts of the camp, taking a break from your chores to enjoy the nature around you. You could hear the birds sing from every tree, and as you went further into the forest, squirrels and rabbits would run around, not paying any attention to you.

When a bunny stopped almost in front of you, you smiled. You squatted down, almost eye level with the creature.

“I think he likes you,” you heard from behind you.

You turned around, seeing Charles approaching you. You smiled at him, before turning back to the bunny, who was still unfazed by your or Charle’s presence.

Charles crouched right next to you, studying the peculiar bunny like you did. He extended his hand, letting the bunny sniff it. You decided to try too, and let out a small laugh when bunny sniffed your hand as well, looking at you and then at Charles.

“He is very nice,” you said with a smile.

Charles nodded. “They can feel your intentions. He probably knows you’re not going to harm him.”

You nodded. You didn’t understand a word he said, but you still made a face as if you did. You wondered what the english word for bunny was.

“What is his name?” you said looking at Charles.

He smiled at your question. Since you’ve joined the gang, Charles admired your strength and work ethic. Even without knowing the language and barely being able to communicate with the rest of the people, you were a productive member of the camp, and have been working hard on learning the language.

He was one the first people that you talked to, and since then you would often go to him when you needed help understanding something. He was very approachable and always patient when it came to your language barrier.

“Bunny,” he replied.

“Bunny.” Your face was so serious when you tried to pronounce the word, Charles laughed a little bit.

“You got it,” he said. “Just gotta practice and it’ll sound perfect.”

“Thank you.”

Somehow, you ended up spending almost half an hour with Charles, studying all the different animals around, learning their names and a few other English words.

“Thank you very much, Charles,” you said when you finally made it back to camp.

“It’s no problem,” he said. “If you ever wanna learn anything else, you just let me know.” He winked at you before going to his tent.

You didn’t understand a word he said, but didn’t need to. That wink said all you needed to know.

Sean

It was nighttime, and most of the camp members were either getting ready for bed or gathering around the campfire, swapping stories and drinks. Due to the language barrier, you usually skipped those events; you couldn’t understand a single word they were saying and it made you feel out of place. Instead, you preferred to spend your evenings at a small table a little way from the campfire with a children’s book in your hand. You got the book from Abigail, who in turn got it from Hosea for Jack. She would lend it to you at the end of the day, after Jack has finished his lessons with Hosea, so you could learn too.

“What you doin’ here all alone?” you heard a voice say behind you.

You turned around, seeing Sean approaching you.

“Reading,” you said, showing him the book in your hand.

“Oh, that,” he said, taking a seat next to you. “I never understood the appeal of readin’. It’s ploddin’.”

“Plod-ding?” you repeated, tilting your head to the side.

“Well, you know, slow. I prefer to use my time in other ways, stealin’ or robbin’ for example.” Even though his voice sounded uplifting, you could see a hint of sadness in it. The smile that he was trying to put on didn’t quite reach his eyes.

“You don’t read?” you said.

Sean took a moment before answering your question, shifting a bit in his chair.

“No, not really,” he said. “Me pa never taught me, and after he died I didn’t really have the time.”

You nodded your head, understanding what he said.

Sean wouldn't let anyone know it, but he was really insecure about his literacy. It’s not often that he needed to read something, but when he did, he was embarrassed that he couldn’t. So instead, he decided to own it, act like he didn’t care and that it was his decision not to learn. Lenny had been trying to teach him for a while then, but it didn’t go anywhere. Everytime Sean would get stuck on a word, or his progress would stagnate, he would get irritated and give up.

“Do you want learn?” you said.

Your words pulled him out of his thoughts. “You mean, learn to read?”

“Yes,” you said. “I read everyday. This kids book. We can read together.”

Sean’s immediate thought was to decline. He’d tried and failed so many times, at this point he didn’t believe he would ever be able to learn. But, something about seeing you, a person who barely spoke a word of English, a stranger in a strange land, trying your hardest despite everything, inspired him. What’s stopping him from doing the same?

“You know what,” he said. “I think that’s a great idea. Let’s meet here tomorrow mornin’. Maybe ol’ Lenny will join us too.”

[bunnylouisegrimes]

It’s A Wonderful Afterlife (NOS4A2 Fanfic)

A/N: I’ve had this story idea in my head for awhile, but I got to writing it yesterday and the day before yesterday. Basically, this one is the story of Rose’s transformation into a vampire. It’s gonna cover some heavy topics such as nearing the end of your life and terminal illness, so be warned, but there’s a lot of happiness in the middle and near the end. Hope you all enjoy!

It’s A Wonderful Afterlife

A NOS4A2 Fanfic

By: Bunny Louise Grimes

As the years went by for Rose, very little had changed in terms of her personality. She had remained shy and introverted (unless in the company of those she deeply trusted), she had remained both gothy and girly, and she had remained nerdy. Her love for her toys, her games, her writing, her art, her vampire husband, and her children had never waned. Fifty years of marriage and a set of dhampir twins later, and from the inside, she was as young as she had been on her wedding day.

Physically, she had her differences.

By the time she reached 57, grey hairs were starting to show in ways they hadn’t before. She had never been the type to dye her hair, but in order to preserve its beauty that she so cherished, from then on out, she dyed her long hair the closest shade of matching brunette she could.

Her height was as short as before, her weight was roughly around the same spot thanks to her vigorously making sure she never went past 200 pounds, and her eyes were as hazel as before, with the exception of holding an aged look. Her face and skin had shown the obvious signs of age, but such a thing was inevitable. It was nothing a little makeup couldn’t help make look better.

Charlie still found his June Rose to be as beautiful as he always found her. He had asked her on and off since their consummation on their wedding night, where he took her virginity and kept it within him to turn her into a vampire just like him one day, if she was willing to grow an older human. She always told him she did; she wanted to see how long this “human” thing would go. She wanted to experience humanity till the end, when the next chapter in her life would have to begin and vampirism would take the lead.

But by the age of 75, when she looked as though she was older than Charlie (when he wasn’t in desperate need of souls), and looked to be a grandmother to the children of Christmasland rather than mother, and her parents and brother had moved on to the other side from their own respective health issues, things were beginning to be odd. It was a whole seven months after her 75th birthday when something wasn’t right.

The first sign was the weight loss. Rose had always been a bit plump, but both she and Charlie noticed her normally soft potbelly was slimmer and smaller. They also noticed her thighs and arms were slimmer. This confused them, and they kept it in mind, but they figured it could be the result of age rather than a sickness.

The second sign was the pain in her abdomen and middle back. Within a few weeks of noticing her fat going down, she had pains in these areas on and off, and they would pick up in intensity and frequency some days.

The third sign was the general sickness she felt. One moment, she would be playing with the children, the next, she would be feeling extremely nauseous and fatigued. She would have to throw up in the bathroom and it would take a few minutes for her to recover. Charlie and her both knew that this went beyond weariness from play due to elder age. This was an apparent illness, and something was physically wrong.

However, Rose was also unusual not just in her gastrointestinal area, but her mind as well.

Forgetfulness and misplacing something was nothing noticeable, as she did it all the time. But she suspected something wasn’t right when within those same few weeks, she was slowly starting to forget things that just happened. Both her and Charlie would be watching an episode of one of their shows, and by the time commercials ended, she was struggling to remember quite a few details of what happened before them. It took her a moment to connect the events together. The same happened when she would read, and every once in a while, she would have to slowly read the same paragraph three times.

The turning point came when she and Charlie were discussing things in bed, and she was struggling to remember certain conversations they had and she had with the children only a month ago that she remembered a week before. A few details Rose brought up were nonexistent, and Charlie had to correct her. That night, she decided that between these small forgetful spells and these stomach issues, it was clear she needed to go to a doctor as soon as possible. He agreed and promised to take her in the morning.

The next day, they left Christmasland for the appointment Charlie made for her the moment he woke up. They explained to the doctor all of Rose’s physical and mental symptoms. The doctor nodded; how he nodded made her nervous. When she was younger, she was a nurse, and through her medical knowledge, she could guess what these symptoms meant, but she wanted to trust another medical professional’s judgement, as these things could be nothing rather than something, but as obvious as it sounded, it was always better to be safe than sorry. She had seen that nod before when in the presence of both patients who were relieved to find their serious symptoms were nothing and those who were about to have the news of terminal illness broken to them. Like a coin flip, it would be heads or tails: heads would be another day to live, tails would be a death sentence.

A series of nerve wracking scans and tests with Charlie by her side later, and the diagnosis was clear. The moment the doctor came back to their room, Rose, like a bloodhound, smelled the sullen seriousness in his face and tone of voice. She recognized that face and voice from her nurse days; the coin was tails. He was about to give her the date and method of her execution before slamming his gravel down.

Rose had always imagined that she would go out thanks to her heart or some sort of diabetes related sickness, given bad hearts and diabetes ran in her mom’s side of the family, and her obesity she tried to control would certainly be a contributing factor. Genetics were a hell of a double edged sword: they could give you the most beautiful set of eyes and hair with skin to match, but they could also give you the worst odds of illness you could think of.

This time, it was not Rose’s heart that would fail her, or the development of diabetes. It was two things that were just as genetic, but aruguably worse. She recalled her mother telling her that Rose’s great aunt had died of pancreatic cancer, and it was a miserable way to go. She also remembered her mother telling her that Rose’s great grandmother was suspected of suffering from Alzheimer’s before succumbing to death.

Well, it was no surprise to Rose when she learned that these two things were her method of execution. Not only because she suspected they could be possibilities, but because the facts were simple: if she was somehow strong enough to survive the painful destruction her body would suffer from the cancer, the synapses in her brain would be eaten away, just as if she was bitten by a zombie from one of her stories, and much like a zombie, not much would remain of her but a dead shell. She would be a burden to her husband and children, and they would have to watch her go from being a loving, wonder filled woman to a sickly, miserable, pain filled stranger who wouldn’t even be able to remember herself, her lover, or her children.

Both her and Charlie took this news with with equal sadness. The future was bleak, and they knew that. Not even chemotherapy treatment was worth it.

“My grandfather suffered from esophageal cancer, and he did not fare well with chemo thanks to his genetics,” she explained to the doctor. “Given that I am half my mother, and she is half of him, my odds are not good, are they?”

“Well, you certainly have a better chance than your mother, but yes, he is a direct blood relative, so the odds are there. If you wish to go through chemo, we can get you started on it, but if you don’t want to risk it or have any treatment, you’ll have roughly a year left to live. Since cancer and dimentia do have a connection, as it spreads throughout your stomach and body, your mental decline will come rapidly. I estimate that you will go through the final stages of both illnesses simultaneously, and it will, to put it lightly, be painful for all parties involved.”

Rose nodded. “I don’t think I want to risk it. I don’t think there’s much of a point to go through all of that, only for my mind to fail me. Not to mention, wouldn’t chemo worsen it?”

“It can, yes,” the doctor continued. “Since the state of Colorado offers the End of Life Options Act, we can administer physician assisted suicide, if that is what you would prefer, but there will be a few things you’ll need to do.”

Had Charlie not been in her life, Rose would’ve agreed to do such a thing in these circumstances, although, if she hasn’t met him, she most likely wouldn’t have been in the state of Colorado and instead stuck back home in Ohio, where no such laws would exist. She knew that with the choice of transforming into a vampire, suicide wasn’t needed.

“I’ll need to think on that,” Rose lied.

“I understand, as this is a lot to take in. Please contact me as soon as possible when you have come to your decisions.”

Father and Mother Christmas departed the hospital and stepped inside the Wraith. The drive back to Gunbarrel was at first silent, but Charlie needed to pull over to a secluded area. Rose could see the tears in his brown eyes.

“My beloved...” He hushed, his deep voice breaking. “You’re so sick...”

“I know,” she said softly. “I wanted to give my humanity the best run I could, and I did. But I’m not going through this shit. I’m going out on my own terms, only I won’t have to die. I’m becoming a vampire, and going into the next chapter of my life.” She turned to Charlie. “You don’t need to cry, baby. You have the power to prevent my departure from this world. I already talked to each of my family before they went, and they knew I was going to be immortal as long as I could be, but I could still contact them through my new psychic powers. If you and the kids are more sensitive to spirits, that must mean I will be too. Hell, we’ll make it look like I chose to die without treatment or assisted suicide to the doctors. I’ll be alright. Everything will be alright.”

“Yes, I know,” he sobbed, wiping his eyes. “It’s just... the idea of you dying... the fact is, you had been dying, and you are dying. I know that’s humanity, but when you have something like this... you are not only dying in the human sense, but the clinical as well.”

The gravity of Charlie’s words slapped Rose in the face, just as the news of her diagnosis in the first place had moments ago. Even though she had another chance, unlike so many others in her place, there was still a sadness to be had. This chapter in her life was done, and she could either do one of two endings: continue down a horrible road until salvation was given to her and everyone was left scarred from their experiences, or embrace salvation now. Rose knew that she was going to avoid that horrible road and jump straight to the awe inspiring transformation that would mark the next chapter, but it was a shame her human form had to suffer like this, and that it was even an issue. In addition, 75 was decently young for elderly death. If she were in her 80’s, or especially her 90’s, this was expectant, but 75... it seemed a bit too soon.

She began to cough, and Charlie handed her his white handkerchief. Her eyes widened when she saw blood splatter, and that’s when her own tears poured from her eyes. She gave it back to Charlie and buried herself in his chest. The two held onto each other and wept for a good twenty minutes before deciding they needed to head back home.

Before they exited the car to greet their children, Rose suddenly smiled as she held Charlie’s hand. “Tomorrow,” she said. “I think tomorrow is a good day to celebrate my last day of humanity, and then I’d like to transform. If that’s okay with you.”

A smile formed on his own face. “Whatever day you are ready, my love. I will fuse your innocence back inside of you whenever you desire.”

They broke the news to the children, but they handled it well. They understood the severity of the situation regarding their mother’s health, but were excited and viewed the positive side, that their mother was to be an immortal vampire much like them and their father. When their mother told them she would like to celebrate the last day of her humanity tomorrow and transform into a vampire tomorrow night, they knew that much was to be anticipated for. Their father assured them that tomorrow would be a day to never forget.

While the other children ran upstairs to go to bed, excited for what tomorrow would hold, Millie, Lorrie, Nicholas, and Holly stayed behind. They ran over to their mother and hugged her.

“Even though you’re not gonna be a human anymore,” Lorrie began, “it doesn’t change a thing.”

“We always knew you’d be a vampire like us one day,” Millie added. “We hope you’ll be healthy and happy again real soon.”

“I will, babies,” Rose reassured them. “I will.”

“If we’re half human...” Nicholas spoke up.

“...That means we’re the last pieces of your humanity, right?” Holly finished.

“Yes, it does, babies,” Rose smiled wider. “I suppose it does.”

The twins beamed at each other in pride.

“But just because I’ll become a vampire doesn’t mean I still won’t be myself,” she clarified. “We’ll all still be just as we were, just with me having some physical improvements. It’ll be just as if I will always human.”

They nodded and knew it was time to get ready for bed with the others. They raced each other up the stairs, their parents tagging behind. When everyone was ready, Charlie and Rose bid the little ones good night before snuggling close to each other in their own bed.

Sleep could not come quick or easy for Rose, as her worries and anxieties mixed with her excitement kept her awake, but somehow, she found herself asleep. While Charlie slept, he dreamt of how the party would look for his beloved: the balloons, the streamers, the cake, the lights, the roses everywhere, the unicorns, the glitter... everything to honor his lover’s life and everything that represented what she was and would always be to their family.

When he awoke the next morning, Rose was still asleep. Letting her get her much needed rest, he snuck downstairs. The children had all woke up at the same time he had. They all snuck down the steps and they paused, amazed at the sight that awaited them downstairs...

When Rose opened her eyes and rubbed them, she turned next to her to find Charlie missing. She went to the bathroom and left her bedroom to check on the children. They were not in their very large and ever expanding bed. She noticed that the living room was dark, but all sorts of odd shadows filled it. She went down the steps and turned the lights on.

“Surprise!” Everyone cheered.

Rose gasped. Her eyes were filled with wonder as she saw what her living room had become.

Rainbow lights and glittery streamers filled the ceiling. Colorful balloons and roses of all colors were everywhere. In the center of the coffee table was a cake with candles that became aglow once she turned the lights on. A wonderfully designed unicorn figurine with roses in its mane and tail set on the cake.

“Oh... oh, it’s beautiful!” Rose cried, tears of joy filling her eyes. “Oh, I’ve never seen anything like it before!”

Charlie beamed and pulled a pink dress over her nightgown. She hugged him and kissed him on the lips, cheeks, nose, and forehead.

“How did you all do this?” She asked.

“I dreamed it, like I do everything... well, not everything, as you are far too beautiful to be dreamed from me.”

She blushed and hugged him even tighter. “You are the sweetest man I’ve ever known. I am so happy to know you, be with you and have all these little ones to raise with you.”

The children rushed to her and she gave them as many hugs and kisses as she could give.

“Look outside, and you’ll see the party goes beyond this room,” Charlie said.

Rose opened the front door and was taken aback. Christmasland was covered in more roses, balloons, glitter, and rainbow lights. Amongst it all, the rainbow unicorns from Charlie’s zoo played in the snow together, free to roam from their usual enclosure.

“It’s all in your honor, my dear.” Charlie laid a kiss on her head.

She could speak no words, just gaze in amazement as the children ran outside to play. Charlie and Rose did the same, and for the rest of the day, they played and occasionally stopped to eat. Rose did her best to keep it together, but surprisingly, no ill feelings or forgetful spells came to her. Perhaps because her body knew that it was only one last day until her body would be immune to all ailments, so it needed to use the last of its strength. Or because happiness was her best medicine in the moment. She couldn’t tell which.

By the end of the day, they had gathered back inside, she blew the candles on the cake, and they began to eat some of it. The time had come where they needed to go to bed so that their mother’s transformation could occur. She read them her favorite bedtime stories before they all got too tired to stay awake. She and Charlie kissed them all good night and closed the door, knowing that would be the last time they’d ever see her in her old form.

When they entered the room, the couple closed their door and the fireplace kicked on thanks to Charlie’s abilities. Rose laid on the bed and sighed.

“Today is one of the best days of my entire life,” she said. “I have you and the babies to thank for that. You have made my human days very special, and you will make my vampire ones the same.”

Charlie laid next to her. “You have made my days very special, and you have made the babies’ days very special. We have you to thank for that.”

They exchanged a kiss before Rose sat up. “Well now... are we ready?”

“Are you ready is the more important question.”

“I think I am,” she said. “Words cannot describe how wonderful this day has been from start to finish. It is a day I will cherish forever. And before my sicknesses get to me... I shall end my humanity and ring in my new vampirism on the happiest note possible.”

She looked at herself in a mirror nearby as she slipped her dress off. “Oh, my dear human body. You have seen so much since the moment I was born. And yet, here we are. You won’t be the same ever again, and you will be improved in ways unimaginably amazing, but I hope you know how much I appreciate you. Even when I’ve experienced self hatred, I was always thankful for you. I hope you love this new form.”

She turned back to Charlie and laid back down. “I guess this means I’ll get to eat people with you guys. The right ones, of course. And fangs, nails, a new body temperature... That should all be an interesting experience. And I can’t wait to see what using similar if not exact abilities like you will be like... this will not only be the next chapter in my life, but will be a bonding experience that will bring us all closer together, I think.”

“I agree, my love,” he said. “I agree.”

The two snuggled close together.

“Thank you for doing this, sugar pop,” she sighed. “What would I do without you?”

“What would I do without you is the bigger question,” he chuckled. “I will always love you.”

“I’ll always love you too.”

He leaned into her ear. “Are you ready at this moment?”

“Yes.” Her voice had some nervousness in it, but the confidence outweighed it in ways immeasurable.

“Lift up your chin so I may see your neck.”

She did as she was told. Charlie gazed upon it and his fangs came jutting out, an energy boiling within him.

“Good bye, old life,” Rose whispered with peace. “May our memories live on for all of immortal eternity.”

“Welcome to your new summer to blossom, my June Rose.”

Charlie slammed his fangs down upon her neck, an energy force emitting from the two bite marks. She gasped and her eyes widened. A foreign, but comfortable and oddly familiar sensation came over her. She clutched onto his back as blood dripped down from the bite marks. They glowed a white-blue color.

As the sensation consumed her, she felt as if she was traveling back in time. Every few seconds was another year she felt healthier and younger. It took her a moment to register that’s what that was, but when she saw her face in Charlie’s eyes... she could confirm her wrinkles were fading.

She looked at the arm she could see most clearly. Her wrinkles had dissipated and the fat had returned. She was sure her other arm looked the same. When she looked at her hand, she saw her nails gaining a yellow tint. She felt them increasing in length. Once they reached the same length as Charlie’s, they stopped. She couldn’t see her feet or legs, but she could feel the same effect happening to them. Her legs and feet (and especially her thighs) gained back the weight they had lost. She noted that her pallor was now matching Charlie’s, based on how her arm and hand looked.

Her breasts, always large, plumped back to their youthful size. Her stomach had also returned to the cushiony potbelly Charlie always loved to rest his head on. As embarrassing as it sounded, she felt her privates tingle and somewhere above them, a burning sensation occurred. She thought about it, but considered that her fertility must’ve been returning. She was miserable on and off when experiencing menopause, but she supposed as a vampire, she’d be able to withstand any pains she might experience if she had periods again. In addition, she was sure Charlie would still find her menstrual blood as delicious as he did before when she was human.

Through the reflection in Charlie’s eyes, Rose could see her wrinkles had completely faded. The aged look her hazel eyes held flooded with a new look of old youth meeting for an eternal kiss after years of departure. Her face returned to how she looked on their wedding night, only a bit more pale. She grunted as her white teeth gained their own yellow tint and increased in sharpness. A group of fangs came out from behind these new teeth. Once this occurred, blood filled her mouth and trickled down her throat while ice cold breath emitted from her nose and mouth like a rabid animal. A warmth in her stomach made her feel as if she had drunk the finest coffee or hot chocolate rather than blood.

My God... this is why vampires crave this stuff... it’s got flavors in it that we can’t taste.

The dye in her hair had faded, exposing the natural grey. But it quickly disappeared as her natural brunette took over. At long last, she felt she could embrace her natural hair again. Even its volume, thickness, and waviness returned.

Rose had to fall back further at the sheer force from her insides. The blood that fell from her neck returned to the permanent bite marks and absorbed back inside of her. Cold chills consumed her. Her eyes, nose, ears, tongue, and touch nerves sharpened. The cancer cells in her body exploded like little stars until they were gone entirely. Every healthy cell underwent a metamorphosis that strengthened them and kept them permanently superhuman. Because of this, her immune system had reached powers impossible for the human body, destroying anything abnormal. Any sickness would be identified and wiped out instantly thanks to her new antibodies. Even her asthma had been erased from her lungs. From within her brain, the synapses snapped back together like a puzzle, and her memory was the clearest it had ever been.

I’m healthy again... Thank God, I’m heathy again...

Once her body was complete, a new sensation took over her back. She tried to jolt forward, but Charlie was still on top of her. He stepped back, as every ounce of innocence was back inside of her now. She lurched forward and leaned down. She could see her new legs and feet and her other arm, just as the other one.

Her back felt heavy. Something was weighing her down... something was coming out of it... something...

Unable to control the scream that came from her, two large masses of bone, muscle, and skin came from her back, perfectly ripping her nightgown, and extended to reveal... bat wings. Through the light in the room, the veins had looked like their own art piece to Charlie.

As quickly as the pain came, it left Rose and she laid back down, gasping and skiddishly feeling the new wings. Just like one’s arms or legs, she found she could move them like any other appendage. She flapped them, noticing they were larger than her. A small gust of wind filled the room.

“They’re... beautiful...” Charlie marveled.

Unable to speak, Rose stood up and stumbled. She found that her wings and heavier weight added some balance issues, but within thirty seconds, she had adjusted. She walked over to the mirror to look at herself more closely. Her toenails clacked against the wood, just as Charlie’s did. She looked just as she did when she was young; this time, she was pale, colder, had sharper senses, had vampire teeth and nails, a vampire bite mark on her neck, and very large bat wings on her back. She curled them up and extended them out comfortably. She flapped them a few times, and she found herself being lifted up into the air through the force of such gusts.

“Woah!” She cried. She let her wings die down and she landed as gently as she could on the floor.

She turned to Charlie, who stared at her with twinkling eyes.

“I guess I’m gonna need to make holes for these bad boys in all my clothes, huh?” She laughed. Her voice had largely remained the same, but this time, there was a youthful strength to it.

Charlie chuckled and beaconed her back to bed. “I suppose we shall. You look absolutely stunning, just as you always have. Only this time, your inner beauty is emanating from you. We shall see all of your abilities in the morning, especially since I’m sure the children would love to see you and your new talents as well. I’m quite surprised that scream didn’t stir them. But I believe your body needs a rest after the amount of change it had to go through.”

She nodded and crawled back into bed, right next to Charlie. They cuddled up next to each other. Her wings curled back up in a way that was comfortable. He rested his chin on her head and she nuzzled her face in his chest. Their combined warmth made sure they wouldn’t feel cold while sleeping. Rest had come easy for the both of them, and they found themselves sharing a pleasant dream.

Tomorrow would be the day the children would awake to be gifted with their healthy vampire mother, but even so, she would still always be the mother they knew and loved. For Charlie, she would always be the wife he knew and loved. For Rose, her new chapter had begun, and the dawn of a new era was ready to last for the rest of their eternity.

[lady-daydream]

Fallout New Vegas Companions Reactions/Thoughts on Classical Music

As requested this ones for you @winged-light-collectors-posts , I'm sorry it took so long, I hope this is okay, the reacts aren't as long as I would have liked however I found that got stumped by a few of the characters. If I missed anyone please let me know. And also you seem like a lovely person and your love of classical music was really refreshing :)

Once again I apologise for spelling error, I am horrible at spell checking. If anyone has any imaginations or reactions from fallout 3-4 or new Vegas just comment or send a request. Hope you all enjoy and have an amazing day -Love you all <3

Btw if anyone cares I listened to Tchaikovsky 1812 overture with cannons, Clair De lune Ethereal remix, and chop in Ballade No.4 in F minor ethereal remix while writing 

Arcade: It wasn't the first time he had heard Classical music, due to some of the enclave radios having classical music paired to their broadcasts. Surprisingly, despite the memory of the music being attached to his past he enjoys it. Even commenting to you once or twice when he would recall his mum listening to certain songs when she was alive. He also preferred the soothing factor to classical which he found made it easier to focus compared to some of the limited other choices available. So whenever you both are resting or are setting up camp the both of you may be found relax doing your respected activities such as repairing weapons and reading while Tchaikovsky or Rachmaninov plays in the background.

Boone: He didn't have a strong opinion on what music the courier listened to while traveling with him. While serving he learnt that music of all different genres helped soldiers relax, or reminded them of happier times or just of home. Though he did wander from time to time what the genre of music said about a person.However he normally didn't think too hard about it or just didn't want to go down that rabbit hole of a thought process. Through travelling with you over time he slowly learnt to warm up to some songs, with calmer songs such as those by Chopin being his favourites though he would never tell you. And on rare occasions when you both are travelling and he can see the night sky, the classical music helps him relax enough to close his eyes even for a moment without his own ghosts haunting him.

Cassidy: Similar to Boone, she was indifferent to classical music. Though every so often while travelling with you she may comment  that it reminded her of a few mornings she had woken up in bars across the wasteland, with a hangover stronger than an radscorpions sting. She did find it annoying whenever the courier seemed to stop and become engrossed in the music, moaning how they were burning daylight. However when the both of you are drunk, the both of you may try and make lyrics to classical tunes, curses and dirty lyrics included until the both of you are rolling on the floor laughing on the ground like idiots or somehow turn certain sounds in the songs into drinking games.

Ed-e: The both of you enjoy classical music, the robot bopping along with the courier whistling along side. It always made you smile when you would hear happy beeping noises whenever a certain song would comes on the radio. After travelling for a while, Ed-e starts to play certain tunes himself, some of which he must have recorded while Whitley was in the room, as sometimes a person humming or a small mutter or comment can be heard. You knew how important Whitley was, almost like a father to Ed-e as after a while the mans comments blend into the music itself . However you wandered if Ed-e recorded the two of you listening to music similar to Whitley as sometimes while stopping to set up camp for the night Ed-e seems oddly quiet while the two off you listen to your pip-boy. However even if he was recording you didn't mind, you were more happy that Ed-e saw you as important enough to him to want to remember your times together.

Follows-Chalk: Neither of you had really listened to classical before meeting, and Follows-Chalk hadn't heard it at all. However while searching for a certain radio station while travelling with him you stumbled across the classical music station. Follows-chalk instantly loves it. Whistling some of the tunes he had heard while you travel together. Sometimes commenting on the differences between the music he had heard from the travelling singer when he was younger as well as some of the songs his tribe would sing. He would sometimes even teach you some in return for playing some classical music. He always has questions about the artists and their meanings, which you would often reply that it was up to him and how the music made him feel. And so sometimes when the both of you are travelling you may share what the music makes you both feel and think of, helping you both understand each other better.

Joshua: Listening to it was a kick from the past, as memories of listening to it while he was living in New Canaan with his family long before Caesar come flooding back the first time he heard or listening to it. He tried to enjoy the music as much as possible,trying to hold on to the more positive memories of his family- of his father and mother listening to it while doing other activities, memories childhood friends and the misadventures of kids all while having classical music in the background as they all got up to mischief. These memories did leave a smile that hurt as it pulled at burnt calloused skin. However through listening he was also reminded of the absences.The new Cannans destruction, of his family's and friend death. How his love of the music had dissolved as he got closer to Caesar and further away from his childhood and home. You notice he gets slightly quieter when you play the music and If you ask him if he is okay he will comment on these memories, not going into too much detail unless questioned further, respecting your one associations of the music don't need to be shared with his. After travelling a while, slowly he would try and dissociate the music with his memories replacing them with more positive moments while travelling you or just letting the sound of the music flow through him. On very rare occasion he might even ask you if he may offer to dance, commenting that he learnt from a few dances and events the town had in his youth. Mostly however, he is just glad he was able to listen to the music with you, using the calming music to just focus on the two of you and the peace the music brought him.

The King: On first listening he didn't like it. He didn't mind you listening to it if he saw it made you happy; however, he would always recommend songs from ‘the king” on holotapes he had. Both of you at first choose to respect each other's opinions. After a while though both of you made a deal. For every song he listened to of your preferred genre of music, you would listen to one he wanted you to listen to. So it became a routine. Whenever he knew you had a long journey he would slip you holotapes with songs such as ‘suspicious minds’ and ‘stuck on you’ and in return when alone The king would listen to the radio station you recommended. After a while you both soften up to each others music and as the both of you got closer you both associate certain lyrics and songs to each other, with the songs ‘Can't Help Falling In Love’ and ‘Rachmaninov’s Piano Concerto No.2′ holding a special place in both of your hearts. When things get more serious, he might even sing small medley of songs from either genres that you stated you like more, and would even nickname you his ‘symphony’ or his “song bird” if you try to sing any of the songs he likes. 

Raul: When you listened to classical music with him for the first time he laughed, sarcastically commenting on “isn't this music a little too old for you, boss?” or “Mi abuela would have loved you”. Plus if you enjoyed the music he didn't really mind. If the radio station had different regional classical music, Raul would happily translate any lyrics if need be if he recognised it, commenting of different memories of his family if the both of you were comfortable enough sharing.Unlike other companions he was able to educate you on some of the instruments used and just the basic knowledge he would have known before the bombs fell. Once or twice though if you are both relaxed (and if you have had a few to drink) you might ask him to dance to some of the more energetic classical songs. And though he will resort to comments about his knees can't handle dancing, and how “you are a few 100 years too late to be asking him to dance”. He still will dance anyway laughing at the joy you brought with you - as well as both of your dancing ability.

Veronica: ’”Didn't think classical music was your thing, but hey to each their own I guess- was told it helps focus, but idk.If I had someone playing a violin next to me I'm pretty sure I would have a difficult time focusing”. She had listened to music before meeting you, however much preferred learning pre-war information from long forgotten technology more than listening to it. As such whenever you are both listening she would randomly tell you small random facts about composers such as “.hey, did you know Edvard Grieg had a good-luck figurine. It was a little frog that he would pat before a concert- found that out on an old library achieve. wonder why he thought the frog was so lucky. - hey maybe I'm your lucky charm y/n”. However she wonders why classical music was associated with intelligence at the time since, anyone can listen to the music, so what made it so intellectual, or was it just that the skill it takes to play an instrument made it associated with knowledge.

Ulysses:He collects all pre-war music he can. He enjoys listening to just his surrounding and the silence that would sometimes bring. He also enjoys focusing on music and was surprised by how many classical music recordings he found while travelling. He enjoyed what each song means by its self but also how the music and the meaning behind it still remained even years after their creators and original audiences had died. He did sometimes wonder what message the listeners were supposed to take away however he knows that answer is one of many lost by time. At first he is rather hesitant about even bringing up the subject, due to you're association of destroying the traces of the old world, However through gaining his trust he slowly opens up about it and will let you sit and listen with him.He will sometimes ask you what you think the meaning is or what you think of the song and sometimes comment that he wonder if the creators would imagine someone like him listening to their music, a lone man sitting one the edge of a cliff, watching over the past while protecting the present from the threats of tunnelers and marked men or the significance their music would have on a person. When you join him, you normal listen in silence broken by occasional discussion. Allowing you both you be in your own thought. However even if it is just your presence next to him or you holding his hand or sometimes falling asleep resting against him, he is glad he isn't completely alone and that you understand, even if it is just a little bit, the importance the music is to him.

[mwolf0epsilon]

Sorry to bother you. But can we get a story of Norman helping Sammy from the inks Control?

Summary: It was only a matter of time before Norman's curiosity got him deader than that one cat... No good deed goes unpunished.

---

"Somethin' ain't right 'bout the studio." Is the one sentence that precedes a series of catastrophic events in Norman Polk's life. A combination of letters that form a very simple and inconsequential phrase that still held a lot of negative connotation. Easy to dismiss, especially over breakfast as he reads the paper with a bored expression on his face.

His wife sits in front of him, buttering their youngest child's toast while the eldest daughter fetches a glass of juice for herself, and her brother, the second oldest child, glances up to peer over and then around the paper.

"What do ya mean pa?" Aaron's inquisitive eyes catch his one good eye, and Norman finds himself setting the paper aside and picking up his mug. Out of his five children, Aaron is the one to inherit his father's curiosity.

"Just a thought." He takes a sip of his coffee and shrugs "Things been a little weird as of late."

"How do you mean?"

"Aaron don't go listenin' to your pa's nonsense or ya gonna get stuck with his ramblings. You gotta get ready for school, so eat breakfast and get going." Margarite rebuts, before glancing at their two daughters. "That goes for you both as well, you especially Louise, your teacher's been hasslin' me bout you doin' no work."

"Mrs. Wilson is nuts. She picks on me for no reason, the crusty egg!"

"Louise!"

Aaron pouted, clearly unsatisfied with the lack of a response, but thought better than to go against his mother's wishes. Wise kid. Norman was proud he was growing up smart.

He didn't bring it up again until the kids were sorted and off to classes. His wife gives him a long-suffering sigh before crossing her arms and looking at him in the eye.

"Don't go lookin' for trouble Norman. I know ya got the guts to go findin' nothin' good." She pleads with him.

"I don't go lookin' for no trouble Maggie, just curious is all... And things have been weird. It's gettin' to the others..."

"Norman, you do know what them people say 'bout your sorta curiosity don't ya?"

"And what would that be?"

"Curiosity killed the cat. And ya sure are lookin' real cat-like to me..."

-

Joey Drew had plans, that much Norman knew. It all had to do with that weird machine of his, as well as all those brittle pipes that kept bursting and flooding areas with thick glossy and acrid smelling ink.

What plans, Norman couldn't tell (yet), but the consequences were visible. Structural integrity in the studio was a mess, something Thomas Connor often dreaded about due to his impeccable work ethics.

Things were constantly soiled with ink, and cleaning supply expenses had risen to the point Wally was having to lug in bleach and detergents from home to get stuff cleaned up. Everyone's dry-cleaning bills had likely also suffered with this.

Speaking of, everyone was going crazy.

"I tell ya, meltdown of the century." Wally winced on the rare occasion Norman took the time to sit with others to eat lunch. That day he was sitting with Wally, Buddy and Dot. "Thought Miss Campbell was gonna throttle the poor broad!"

"She has been acting very hostile." Dot winced in sympathy. "Miss Pendle has the patience of a saint if she can bare all that, but she's not the only person Susie has blown up on recently."

"Uh?" Buddy looked over at his friend in surprise. Norman too looked curious. Wally snapped his fingers as he realized what she was on about.

"Oh yeah! The other night right? She went and barged into Sammy's office and things got heated, and not in the good way if ya know what I mean."

"Wait really? Miss Campbell yelled him?" Buddy looked to be in disbelief. He couldn't imagine a petit little lady like Susie yelling at that overgrown peacock of a man. Not when Sammy tended to yell back at people with twice the amount of ferocity.

"Didn't just yell. She tore him a new one! Was so bad I got outta there as fast as I could. Didn't wanna witness no crime a' passion and all that." Wally glanced around, hoping neither Susie nor Sammy were around to hear. "Saw him come outta the office much later when I was about ta lock up for the night. He looked... Rough."

"He always looks rough." Buddy commented.

Norman found himself frowning at that.

Now that he mentioned it, Sammy had been looking a little green around the gills. Like he was sick, or at the very least extremely sleep deprived. With Drew's policy of time being money, and illnesses having to be serious for sick leave, it didn't surprise him that Sammy might have caught a bug and been unable to sleep it off at home.

"Speak a' the devil..." Wally ducked his head and quickly scarfed up the remains of his meal before getting back up and moving off. "Here he comes now."

Buddy and Dot followed his example, not feeling particularly keen on getting yelled at by Sammy. Norman let them go, eating his meal at a leisurely pace as he observed Sammy more carefully.

He didn't just look rough. He looked off.

How exactly, Norman couldn't explain, but it certainly must be something if the hairs on the back of his neck were so fast to raise.

He needed to look into it.

-

It's a particularly bad encounter in one of the men's bathrooms that tips Norman off to what might be wrong.

After that particularly bad scene involving Drew, Norman had been more cautious with his wandering and observing. His boss's behaviour raised questions, and his threats were definitely ringing alarm bells in his head. How it all involved that wretched machine Norman couldn't figure out.

Until, while putting his burnt hand under cold water (another projector went and caught fire because ink had gotten in it somehow), Sammy Lawrence suddenly barged in and practically kicked in a stall door to then double over a toilet bowl and violently vomit the contents of his stomach.

All this happened in very few seconds and Norman found himself with his unburnt hand clutching at his chest in fright.

"Jesus Christ, ya nearly went and scared the soul out of my body!" He closed the tap and pulled the first aid kit closer, setting to work on bandaging his injured hand. Bless the doc for giving him a kit in the first place, after so many incidents with projectors.

He waited for Sammy to bark out some sarcastic retort, but instead was met with more retching and coughs. Norman became concerned when it didn't stop.

"Sammy?"

He peered into the open stall and was met with a smell that shouldn't be coming from someone's insides. An acrid chemical smell that permeated the studio, due to its origin being pumped through pipes like blood in one's veins. The music director was puking ink.

"Sweet mercy..." That wasn't good. The boy needed that stuff out, which he was managing on his own from how much he was getting sick. The issue was, how much of the crap had he swallowed if it kept coming up? "Sammy what the fuck?!"

"G'way y'fu'kin' ..." He cut off as another wave came up to meet the rest, his nose dribbling with the black sheen of ink, and big fat tears barely clearing the gunk already covering his pale skin "H'hurts..."

The pathetic whimper was enough to break his heart. Sammy sounded scared for once, rather than angry, sarcastic or apathetic.

"How much did ya even get in ya? Did the music department go under again?" Once the music director didn't look like he was going to throw up again, the projectionist scooped him off the floor and noted with horror how unusually light and pointy the blond felt in his arms.

It was like holding a sack of bones... What in the blazes? Just a few days ago he looked healthy enough...

"M'gettin' ya to the infermary. The doc might have somethin' for intoxication... If not then Drew can't just keep ya here, this is a hospital thing."

"N-no... No doctors..." Sammy struggled weakly but gave up once he realized he couldn't squirm out of Norman's grasp. "M'fine..."

"Boy, I have half a mind ta call the doctor myself if ya go sayin' stupid shit like that. You ain't fine."

"J-just stomach ache... It'll go away..."

"Samuel Lawrence you are a dumbass."

How daft did the kid need to be to not see the issue here? Hopefully the resident doctor could convince Drew to let Sammy go to a hospital. Hard to fake getting a toxic liquid in your system after all...

-

After the encounter in the bathroom it's not long before Sammy goes missing. People start speculating about it, and some are rather mean-spirited about it.

Sure Sammy wasn't the kindest person, but going about saying he ran off with his tail between his legs because Susie dumped him was just plain disrespectful (especially considering he hadn't seen Susie around as of late either).

The stories about him drinking ink tho... Those peak his interest. They are also easy to confirm, as Norman looks in horror at the contents of the drawers in Sammy's office. Empty ink wells. Several of them. Some definitely licked clean.

It explains things Norman wished he hadn't overlooked. The machine, the pipes, the slow descent... The ink was what was wrong with the studio.

Norman realized then and there that he needed to warn the others to get out. Whomever would hear him at least.

Starting with Buddy and Dot. Those kids needed out.

Whatever Drew was planning with that hellish stuff, it couldn't be good for them.

-

Once the authorities' investigations are closed up and the studio opened back up again, Norman decides it's time to finally grab his light and go down and see what the groaning was. He eats breakfast with his family as quiet as a mouse, lost in thoughts, then goes to work after kissing his wife goodbye.

Once he reaches the door, he finds a card and keys on the entrance mat.

Wally had quit. Good, at least the kid had enough sense to bolt when told to.

Norman is the very first person the set foot back inside the studio.

As such, he's the very first target for one of two creatures still able to access the floors above.

His light catches onto an inky black figure in overalls and a grinning dancing devil mask, then catches the gleam of a blade.

Norman doesn't get the chance to scream as the axe buried itself in his chest, right through his heart. He wheezes out what little air remains in his lungs and it doesn't take long for him to slip away.

What makes it worse is how the figure cradles him gently and murmurs nonsense he can't understand. That voice... Why did it sound so familiar?

It all goes dark. It's too quiet.

-

The Projectionist screeches as it runs after the figure in overalls and grinning mask. It chases after the thief mercilessly, putting it's hands through the holes it crawls through in an attempt to flee from its burning gaze.

It gets cocky and ends up getting grabbed by the leg and pulled back with force.

The Projectionist may not be able to hear its screams, but it can feel the vibrations. It's terrified.

Good.

It roars in triumph as it plunges it's hand through the figure's chest, bursting it into a puddle and discarded clothing.

Never shall it try to steal it's hearts away, ever again.

The Projectionist carried on, unaware of the poetic justice behind its own actions.

An eye for an eye was just as popular a saying as curiosity killed the cat, after all.

[imaginingfrancium]

the last time | jumin han

jumin han x reader ; one shot / imagine

(part 1 of 2) ; 

summary: MC and the other RFA members went out on a beach vacation and sat around a campfire. When it was your turn to share something, everyone demanded a song.. and a duet. 

song featured: The Last Time - Taylor Swift feat. Gary Lightbody (i used a cover instead of the original because MC’s using a guitar here. and just imagine MC doing plucking instead of the ordinary strumming in the intro)

words in bold-italic letters indicate the character’s thoughts (whether if it’s within the flashback or present), italics indicate a flashback, and bold ones are the lyrics of the song,, but there will parts in the one shot where i’ll use those for something else.

The sun was slowly setting; hues of orange, yellow, and red started to fade as the color of the night sky began to show. The full moon came out early and has its reflection shun down on the sea. The wind was getting colder, as everyone started to wear their jackets, scarfs, or shawls. The members did not expect a cold night this evening, but they were glad that the breeze was calm. Just enough to easily build a campfire before the sun completely sets. 

Zen and Yoosung started building the fire; gathering the wood and matches and.. failed attempts. Saeyoung then joined them– to just disturb. 

“Sae-Saeyoung! SHUT UP! We are building a fire here! It’ll be nice if you helped!” Yoosung whined. The red-haired man mocked the blonde even more. While trying to keep his patience, the silver-haired beauty kept trying to light up the fire.  

“Idiots.” Saeran muttered as he looked at the three two men failing at their simple task. He headed over to Jaehee and MC, who were prepping the food. Various snacks were placed in each paper plate and bowl. Since everyone had a heavy lunch, they all agreed to make it light for that evening. 

“Here are the marshmallows. Good thing it didn’t melt in the car.” They looked up at Saeran and were relieved. “Oh, thank goodness.” Jaehee got the bags of the white, fluffy treat out of his arms. “Is there anything else I could do?” He asked. “Hmmm.. Go assemble the chairs and mini tables. They are over there.” Jaehee ordered and pointed out where it was. 

“..Ha-Haha! Finally! In your face!” Yoosung shouted out. The campfire had perfectly lit up the space they were camping at. Jaehee cheered while poking the marshmallow on its sticks. MC smiled at the men-children; Saeyoung picked on Yoosung and vice versa, while Zen tried to stop the two.

“When will they ever stop?” MC asked, placing the chips into bowls. “’Til they end up killing each other, I guess.” Saeran replied, putting up the final adjustments on the mini-tables. MC laughed and turned to Jaehee. “I’m done with the chips. What else is needed, chief?” MC jokingly saluted to her. Jaehee squinted her eyes. “Hey, stop. Don’t call me that.” She then got the bowls from MC and placed it on the tables. “Seems like everything’s almost done.. So no help needed now. Thanks, MC.” Jaehee gave MC a smile. “Eh it’s nothing. Anyways, I’ll just go get my stuff.” MC headed over to the van.

While everyone was busy preparing for tonight’s event, the slightly older members were doing their own things. V was taking photos of the moon and shore, not missing out the view in front of him. He sighed, putting down the camera, while reminiscing. 

“..If only you were here to see it. If only..” He muttered and closed his eyes tight. He opened it back a few seconds later as he felt something soft brush against his leg. V looked down and smiled, seeing the clingy Elizabeth the 3rd looking up to him with a smile. “Want a photo with the sunset, El?” The snow white cat meowed. V chuckled and knelt down on the sand, positioning the camera in a good angle. He took the photo and looked at it. 

The perfect mix of the sky’s colors, with Elizabeth the 3rd’s eloquent silhouette. Oh he would love this, V thought. He stood up and called out Elizabeth to follow him. V approached the silent CEO-in-line, who’s holding a wine flask and was admiring the scenery. 

He called out his friend’s attention. “Jumin, come look at this.” Jumin turned to him, beginning to be curious. V then showed the photo and Jumin chuckled. “Can you have it developed? I’d like the photo to be framed and placed in my room.” He asked his friend. “Of course, Jumin. It is also one of my favorite shots today.” V looks over to the sea, as it begins to be darker.  

“It should be. The sunset view is beautiful, but placing Elizabeth the 3rd in the view puts nature to shame.” Jumin confidently said. “Good thing Hyun drank meds for his allergies then.” V teased. “Well, he knew that I would bring Elizabeth even without his consent. It’s nice that he adjusted.” Jumin turned away from the view to look at the other members behind them; Zen, Yoosung, and Saeran started roasting their marshmallows, Jaehee held a bowl with nuts in it, and Saeyoung was munching his Honey Butter chips.

His vision quickly focused on the member carrying a stringed instrument. MC walked to the other members settled by the fire. She then sat beside Jaehee and shared the mixed nuts with her.

Many thoughts got into Jumin’s head. So many how’s, why’s, what if’s. He couldn’t stop looking at MC. Even when the campfire is not on its best lighting angle, she still looks beautiful, he thought.

V turned to his friend, noticing that he was stuck staring at MC. To V, Jumin looked like she took something from him. Well, she sort of did in some sense. He felt pity and broke the silence. 

“Hey. Let’s head over to them. Campfire night is about to start.” Jumin snapped himself back to reality and nodded, following V. They walked to where the others were.

———————

“Ugh, when will this end?” Zen complained, leaning against Yoosung’s shoulder. Saeran sighed and looked at his twin brother with disappointment. 

The sun has completely set and the full moon shined brightly, with the stars twinkling. It was part of the campfire night where each member gets to share something to everyone. It could be anything, and with that, Saeyoung took his chances. He sang a song from his favorite musical.

“Kiss me goodbye, I’m defYING GRAVITYYY~” Saeyoung sang with high spirits. Jaehee covered her ears as he tried to hit the note. Zen and Yoosung tried to stop him, while MC and V laughed at them.

Saeyoung then finished the song and bowed, thanking everyone for listening. He earned glares from his brother and closest friends. Jaehee and MC forced themselves to clap their hands and compliment. “You were good, Saeyoung... I always forget that you could actually sing.” V said, with a tone that showed that he was not being serious.

“Ah, it’s nothing! And now.. it’s MC’s turn!” Saeyoung clapped for MC. “It would be a waste of talent and of your time and effort practicing if you don’t play for us.” He added. 

“I even heard from a lot of people that you perform good.” Zen joined in the ‘pep talk’. MC scratched the back of her neck as she felt awkward. She may be working as a full-time musician, but she still had the stage fright. Especially in a small crowd that consists of her close friends.

“Eheh. Well… since I promised you guys…” MC brought out her guitar from its bag. The members had been convincing her to sing for them again. It was ever since she performed a song during the party. They wanted to hear her sing exclusively, but somehow they never got the perfect timing where her shyness didn’t succumb. 

“Finally! We get to hear from MC.” Yoosung expressed.

“Yeah, I’ve always wanted to hear her sing.” Jaehee said.

“Better be good.” Saeran muttered, which was heard by Jaehee. She gave him a light poke on the waist.

It was good. I was even lucky enough to hear it almost all the time, Jumin thought. He has been quiet all along. He only curved his mouth to a small smile or let out a soft chuckle when one of the members said something funny or cat-related. He was petting his cat to sleep, who was on her cat bed. He couldn’t speak out as he was not able to concentrate, scared that he might accidentally slip some words he didn't intend to say. 

He couldn’t fixate being in the same space as her, knowing she’s not his anymore. He sighed and took sips from his flask. 

MC was checking if the strings were tuned. Saeyoung then had an idea. A crazy idea.“Oh! OH! What if we let Jumin sing with MC?” 

He immediately covered his mouth, realizing what he had done. Everyone’s eyes widened in surprise. It was silent and uneasy. Even Saeran was shook to the core. 

Sae-saeyoung.. why you.. MC was frozen in her place, eyes traveling to Jumin, who had loosen his grip on his flask. She looked away before he could catch her looking at him. Fuck.

Zen broke the silence. “Are you serious, Saeyoung? You probably had too much of your chips.”

“Y-yeah.” Yoosung agreed. 

Saeyoung hid his face behind Saeran. “Aigoooo aigooo…” He felt ashamed, scolding himself that he broke the rule they all agreed, which is to not mention anything from the past, especially from their past.

It was hard putting back all the members of the RFA in one place, even for a simple hangout. With what happened two years ago, it made some members keep their distance from certain members. It broke the others, as the possibility of everyone getting along again like it used to was then just a mere vision. So, they tried picking out a vacation date, place, etc. where everyone is available and would have no excuse to bail. 

MC never wanted to come in the first place, knowing that her ex-fiance will be going. “You know why I won’t go. What if he tries to make a move on me again?– Remember why we broke up, Jaehee.” MC explained to Jaehee by the phone. “I know.. but I told V to tell him about it, so it will be fine..” MC bit her bottom lip.

 “Hey… he’s not the only who’s coming. Zen, Yoosung, Saeyoung, and even Saeran will be there. It’s been a while, MC. I– or we can’t just let this association fall apart again due to ex-lovers.” MC chuckled at Jaehee’s fake disgust tone on the last part. 

“Please, MC. For me? Or at least for the RFA’s future?” Jaehee crossed her fingers while waiting for MC to respond. 

“...Okay. For you and the RFA.”

Saeran then stood for his brother’s behalf. “Um.. well, you know that you both don’t have to do it though…” The others nodded. “Yeah.. you can continue now, MC.” V reassured. The musician shrugged and checked back if her guitar is tuned.

It will be over soon, MC thought. It will be over so–

“I’ll sing.” Everyone turned their heads to the one who said it. 

MC froze again, and this time had eye contact with him. Oh, fuck.

“Uh.. J-Jumin. Heh– you don’t have to do that. ‘T was a joke!” Saeyoung tried to convince him, as he was feeling even more guilty.

Jumin shrugged it off, his confidence building up. “It’s fine, Saeyoung.. Unless it’s okay with you, MC.”

Heads were now turned to MC. She looked down, so that she could make a decision. She was then having second thoughts. I mean, it’s just a duet, what could possibly go wrong? Um, let me remind you of the last time you both did a duet.. it got you engaged. You don’t want to go back to that loophole again, right? But he seems different from before. He didn’t even try to get my attention today! No, don’t. You’re gonna fall again. No, I’m just thinking too much.

“.. For old times’ sake at least.” 

She slowly looked up to Jumin, feeling that familiar warmth. She took a deep breath

“S-sure.” She forced a smile. Yeah.. what could possibly go wrong?…

Jumin stood up, brought his chair and sat beside MC. The others couldn’t even say anything. They were either thrilled thinking on what could possibly happen after this, or just nervous that this might go down.

MC cleared her throat. “What song then?”

Jumin looked at her and gave her a small smile. “The Last Time.”

Are you even serious? She looked at him to check if he was kidding or not. And he was not. “O-oh. Okay then.” MC started playing.

Everyone fell in love with her pro-plucking of the intro. They felt relaxed, finding something to lean on.

MC’s awkwardness was lifted up by looking at them She then turned to Jumin, giving him the cue to start.

“Find myself at your door, just like all those times before.

I’m not sure how I got there. All roads, they lead me here.

I imagine you are home. In your room, all alone.

Jumin stayed staring at her, even if she was not looking. She was busy concentrating on the strumming. 

And you open your eyes into mine, and everything feels better."

Everyone was surprised that Jumin could sing. It didn’t come to them yet that he carried a tone. As MC started to blend in, everyone sank in and listened, trying to catch any body language between them. 

“And right before your eyes, I’m breaking

No past, no reasons why. 

Just you and me.”

And before Jumin knew it, he started reminiscing.

Jumin was focused on reading the story to MC, who was lying beside him. Even with the deep voice, he made sure that the stress and intonation was said right. MC felt at home under the thick blanket, not feeling any colder as she adored Jumin’s storytelling and warmth. She found herself lost in his voice, until Jumin slammed the book shut. 

“That’s for tonight. And you’re getting sleepy.” He said, placing the book on his bedside table. Jumin then adjusted his place under the blanket and wrapped his arms around MC, pulling her closer

“Hmmm.. I wasn’t even listening.” She said. “I just have a thing for your voice.” She giggled, as her cheeks turned pink.

“I know. I also have a thing for your thing with my voice.” Jumin pressed his forehead against MC’s, as MC laughed at how he describes her like for his voice.

They stayed like that for a while, until MC pulled away, at a distance where she could get a good overlook of his face, his eyes. Him.

“What is it, darling? Do I have something on my face?” Jumin asked

“No, no.. You don’t.” MC smiled. “I just.. can’t believe I get to have this view every night before I sleep.”

Jumin smiled back. He grabbed her left hand and kissed at where the engagement ring was. “I should be the one who’s lucky. You actually had the choice to not be in this lifestyle, to not be with me. And she did. I knew that it could happen, but you still chose to stay.” But not for long. 

She sighed. “Yep, and I have no regrets.” She then moved her head closer, ‘til their foreheads touch again.

“I’ll never leave you, as long as you won’t give up on me.” MC looked deep into his eyes. I gave up. 

Jumin looked back and kissed her nose. “You know I won’t. I’m sorry. I love you, MC. I’ll always be.. your number one fan, your view before you sleep every night; just yours.”

“And you’re mine, Jumin. I love you too.”

The memory finished, as it was now MC’s solo in the song. As she sang, everyone was swooned. MC couldn’t help but smile at their reactions. She then poured herself into her part.

"You find yourself at my door, just like all those times before.

You wear your best apology, but I was there to watch you leave.

She closed her eyes while singing, feeling the pain again. Jumin noticed it, and it broke his heart as he felt it too. 

 And all the times I let you in,

Just for you to go again

Disappear when you come back

It was then MC’s turn to reminisce. 

Everything is better." 

The ride to Chairman Han’s house was silent. MC couldn’t help but feel nervous. It was his birthday and her presence was requested by the CEO himself. Her hands were shaking. She even ‘rehearsed’ on how to not sound and look awkward when in front of him. Jumin turned his head to his fiance and noticed this. He held her hand and gave her a small smile. 

“It will be fine, MC. He’s just my father.” Jumin consoled– well tried to. MC gave him a disapproving look.

“’Just your father’? Mind you, my darling, that he was right there when you told the whole country that you disapproved of the marriage he arranged for you, and you made sure that he knew I was also the reason why you didn’t agree to it.” MC blurted out. She immediately regretted doing it, but it felt good to let it out. Jumin was surprised, but understood her. 

“Yes, I know. Heck, I don't even know if I’m helping you calm down. But…” Jumin held both of your hands, which made your turn to him. He kissed your knuckles. 

“I do know that I’ll be there when you couldn’t take it.” He said. MC looked back at him and nodded. They stayed like that for a few minutes, until Drive Kim told them they had arrived.

Jumin went out of the car first and lent out his hand to MC. He held it tight and gave her reassuring signals using his thumb. MC felt much better and took a deep breath. They walked towards the big, front door, but then Jumin stopped as they were about to enter. MC gave him a questioning look.

“I’m sorry, darling. But can I.. ask you to not mention that you are a full-time musician for now? It might not be a good first impression to my father.” Jumin spoke. MC was surprised.

“B-but wasn’t he there at the party, too?” MC defended. “I know, but.. Just please understand? I’ll do the talking, if you couldn’t handle it.” 

It is even getting worse, she thought. But maybe it’s for the best. “Um.. okay then.” MC agreed, loosening her grip on his hand, hoping that Jumin would acknowledge how she felt, through body language. 

“Thank you, MC.” They proceeded to walk inside the house, leaving MC overthinking and nervous again.

She opened her eyes and shook her head, cringing on her past self. Why did I let my guard down?, she thought to herself. 

Jumin could sense that she was recalling a memory from their past. MC looked back at him, seeing how sorry he was through his expression. I’m sorry I couldn’t forgive you. You'd know, she spoke in her mind. They both went back concentrating to the chorus.

"This is the last time I’m asking you this; put my name at the top of your list

This is the last time I’m asking you why

You break my heart in the blink of an eye, eye, eye.."

Everyone was impressed with MC’s guitar skills, as she plays the instrumental part. No one dared to speak, or even clap. MC could relate to the song so much that it made it sound beautiful. 

And that’s what Jumin loved about her; how she expressed herself through music. But he still felt guilty; he only realized that when she left.

As the song has reached its climax, they begin to recall their moments in the past. And this time, the bitter ones. 

"This is the last time you tell me I’ve got it wrong." 

“You said you wouldn’t leave me.” Jumin shouted, following her. He and MC just had a big fight and she concluded that she was going to leave him, for good.

“Yes, I did. But what’s the fucking point of staying if I feel like I’m in prison when I’m with you?!” MC shouted back, her voice shaking as tears were running down her face. She went to get her phone, its charger, and her guitar, since those were the only things that were not bought by Jumin. 

She proceeded to the front door. Almost there, she thought. But before she could even step out of the living room, Jumin grabbed her arm, tightening his grip.

“You are not leaving. You promised me. YOU PROMISED ME, MC!” His voice was full of rage, betrayal. His eyes let out some tears. MC was scared. She hissed on the pain on her arm. But she couldn’t let her guard down now.

“I would’ve kept it if you weren’t such a dick.” She struggled to get out of his grip. “Keeping my true job from your father for a good image? I thought you didn’t care what he thinks. Controlling on what my music should sound like? I make music to express what I feel, and because I want to, not to look good in front of your business friends. Not letting me sign the record deal? It’s my music, Jumin. MY MUSIC! It’s my life! You knew I couldn’t live without it. You said that you’ll support me, but the way you are doing it doesn't seem like you do!” MC defended. She didn’t care anymore. She made her point, and was tired of understanding him again and again.

Jumin stood still, still angry at her. MC took his speechless self as an opportunity to let go. She continued to walk away. He didn’t follow her.

“You’re going to regret this. You can’t live without me. You will come back to me like you always do.” Jumin said, with his pride still intact. This made her stop walking. She turned around, removed the engagement ring from her finger, and set it by the nearest table.

“This time, I won’t. We are done, Jumin. Good-bye." She turned back around and started walking away, tears streaming down her face.

Jumin was stunned, but his mind was still covered by his ego. “Fine! Leave! Since that is what you are good at.” He shouted. 

“At least it’s away from you!” She shouted back, almost breaking to an ugly cry as she reached the elevator. 

MC woke up to the sound of knocking at her door. She rubbed her eyes and reached out to her phone to check the time. 1:35 AM. She scratched her head in annoyance and got out of bed. It could be the neighbor's son again. But at this time?, she thought.

The knocking wouldn't stop. "Coming!" MC shouted, dragging her feet to the door, while fixing her hair. She then unlocked the locks.

"It's almost 2 AM, kid. You can ask for more tomor--" She opened the door and froze, as she saw the least expected person, standing right in front of her.

"MC.." Jumin slurred, clear that he has been drinking. 

"Jumin.. H-how did you know this place?.." MC was surprised. It’s been a month since they broke up. She also never told anyone about her old apartment.. unless he asked for help.

"I forced Saeyoung to look for you. You couldn't be at Rika's apartment if you're ignoring everyone, which is a shame. And since you are good at hiding.. running away from everything.. wanting to go back to your normal life, of course you'd go back here." Jumin leaned on the door frame, not being careful with his words. This hit MC in the gut. 

"I wasn't ignoring everyone; I needed space. They knew that. In case you forgot, you were the one who suggested it." She rebutted, crossing her arms. 

"But that didn't mean you had to do it. Just because you left me, doesn't mean you'll leave them, too." 

Alcohol does bring out their true selves, she thought. "I didn't leave them. There's a difference between giving space and leaving-- You know what? Just go home, Jumin. You're drunk. I'm tired of explaining shit you wouldn’t listen to anyway." MC closed the door, but then Jumin slammed it back open, pushing MC away. She looked up at him, seeing the pain in his eyes. She became scared, as he started to walk into her apartment.

"The n-neighbors are sleeping, Jumin.." MC was shaking, trying to be strong.

Jumin walked closer to her but stopped midway. He then knelt down, as if he gave up fighting against gravity. MC was confused. She walked towards him slowly. 

Her shaking stopped as she heard him sob. She bent down to his level and went closer to him. She gently placed a hand on his cheek, feeling his warmth and let him face her.

Dark, visible circles. Red, puffy eyes. Pale skin, lips. This man hasn't been sleeping; he has been crying.

He held the hand that was on his cheek and leaned to it. "Why did you have to leave me, MC?.." He looked down and grabbed your other hand.

"My life's a mess. It has been since you left. I-I haven't been okay…"

"Jumin, I--"

"I knew I was wrong. I promise I'll be better. Just come back. I'll do everything. Please.." 

"Jumin.."

"Just please come back… I need you--"

"Jumin!"

He stopped talking and looked at MC, who had tears streaming down but her face showing anger.

     "This is the last time I say it’s been you all along." 

"How sure are you.. that you'll make everything alright? In one year of being engaged, you said you'd change, evolve. I believed in you, until it became a pattern.." MC broke down, letting her hands go from him to comfort herself. 

"Listen, MC. This time it will be different I promise you--" He tried to reach out to her, but MC immediately dodged.

"Cut that bullshit, Han. I have heard that from you tons of times." 

Now it was Jumin's turn to freeze. He didn't expect she’d be this way.

"MC.. I-"

"Jumin.. I don't want to fight with you anymore. I'm sorry, but go home.. “

“It's for the best of us." MC stood up, wiping her tears.

Jumin sighed. He couldn't say anything. He then stood up and walked out the apartment, with MC making sure he's not going to trip on something.

She watched him leave.

"This is the last time I let you in my door."

When he was finally out, Jumin turned around to look at her one last time.

"I'm sorry for bothering you. Good night, MC." And then he left.

     "This is the last time, I won't hurt you anymore."

They didn't notice that they were making deep eye contact at each other the whole time they were reminiscing and singing the bridge [of the song]. Though, the others were able to catch the connection. 

Jumin and MC shook it off, as they were about to finish the song.

"This is the last time I’m asking you this; put my name at the top of your list

This is the last time I’m asking you why

You break my heart in the blink of an eye.

"This is the last time I'm asking you this;

     (This is the last time I'm asking you this)

Put my name at the top of your list

     (Put my name at the top of your list)

This is the last time I'm asking you why

     (This is the last time I'm asking you why)

You break my heart in the blink of an eye

     (You break my heart).

“This is the last time I’m asking you

Last time I’m asking you

Last time I’m asking you this

They went back to their eye contact.

“This is the last time I’m asking you

Last time I’m asking you

Last time I’m asking you this

This time, they didn't care about what the others were thinking. They were too busy pouring out their emotions. 

“This is the last time I’m asking you

Last time I’m asking you

Last time I’m asking you this

Jumin then gently held on to MC's forearm.

“This is the last time I’m asking you

Last time I’m asking you

Last time I’m asking you this.”

When the song ended, everyone cheered. Saeyoung was whistling. Zen, Yoosung, and Jaehee gave them a standing ovation, while V and Saeran simply clapped. 

MC was the first to break eye contact. It's finally over, thank Go-- her thoughts stopped its trails, as she felt something soft pressed on her forehead. 

She looked up and stayed still, seeing that Jumin was giving her a kiss there. She started to blush. 

The others were silent once again, surprised to see Jumin's bold move. As Jumin pulled away, he went closer to MC's ear and whispered, "I'm letting you go. Thank you." 

He then let go of his hand from her forearm, stood up, grabbed his cat, and walked away from the group.

"What.. was that?" Saeran spoke.

MC started to move again, as she touched the area on her forehead where Jumin kissed. She started to calm down.

"A-are you okay, MC?" Jaehee asked. She knew how it would be hard for her. MC looked at her and nodded, still couldn't speak.

"Saeyoung… you jerk. You broke MC." Zen mumbled.

"hEY! I'M NOT THE ONE WHO KISSED HER ON THE FOREHEAD!" Saeyoung defended himself.

MC couldn't believe it. He's letting me go? Thank you? Does that mean he hasn't moved on ever since? She kept on overthinking.

"Should we follow him though? He might get lost." Yoosung raised concern.

"Nah.. he'll be fine." V said. "He needed that.." MC looked at V. He then looked back and nodded. Oh.

"Let's just continue the fun." V encouraged. It was now Jaehee's turn to contribute. Everyone stayed up until the campfire died out. 

No matter how much MC wanted to forget what happened, it was stuck in her head. And was kept on loop. 

------------

The clouds covered the morning sun, making it easy for the others to disassemble their tents and fix their stuff. Yoosung, Jaehee, and Zen began loading the van, while Saeyoung and Saeran loaded their stuff in their car. V was busy taking photos of the beach. MC was moping, looking at the view of the shore as if it will be her last time seeing it. 

It was very windy that her beach hat flew away. She panicked and looked for it, only to find out that Jumin catched it.

It seemed like he was behind her all along. He walked towards MC and gave it to her.

“T-thanks.” MC stuttered, while feeling awkward. She got the hat from him and placed it back on her head.

“No problem.” Jumin acknowledged. He stayed at a safe distance beside MC and stared at the horizon with her. Awkward silence filled in between them.

“I’m surprised that y-you brought Elizabeth the 3rd.” MC started, trying to lessen the tension. Jumin laughed a bit. “I thought that she could need some vitamin sea.” MC chuckled at the pun.

“It seemed like it was good for her.” She then turned and looked at the others, wearing smiles on their faces. It was as if they weren’t tired of life.

“We all needed a break from everything. I mean, look at them glowing..” MC trailed on, smiling as she looked at the other members.

“.. As for you, too.” Jumin spoke. This made her turn to him, who was giving her a smile. She was speechless still.

“I hope you knew that you have glowed brighter, from before..” He continued. MC couldn’t help but tear up.

“I--” 

“MC! JUMIN! IT’S TIME TO GO!” 

She was cut off by Zen calling them. She looked away from Jumin and wiped her tears. Yes, MC, what a bold move. Crying in front of your ex, she cursed herself. 

She looked back at him as he started talking again. “It was nice seeing again, MC.” Jumin looked down and walked to where the others were.

MC couldn’t believe it. She tried to shake it off and walked to the van.

Everyone said their farewells to each other and rode their respective vehicles. MC sat by the window and sulked during the whole ride. Yoosung noticed how she was silent and asked, “Are you okay, MC? You seem down.”

I’m not okay. “I’m fine. Don’t worry about me.” She gave him a smile and pat on his shoulder. Yoosung smiled back and felt relieved at least. She looked back at the window and sulked again.

I actually didn’t want it to be the last time. Our last time.

word count: 5399

a/n: um hi this is my first time in tumblr or posting somethin in tumblr lmao i am sorrY if my writing sucks.anyw this idea was from me listening to taylor swift (feat. gary lightbody)’s song, The Last Time. and i was like “what if jumin could sing?” and so on + quarantine is making me write stuff and i can’t sleep during the night ;-; (aLSO are there even people still reading MysMe fan fics in 2020??)

there will be a part 2 for this hehe i won’t promise that i’ll be writing it right away ;-; this took me 3 weeks to finish hek. 

hope you liked it! if you didn’t then sorry. just ignore this heh. please tell me on how should i improve my writing tooooo okez bYE

[prongsisabadger]

Songs for the Heartbroken: That’s What You Get

AO3

FF.net

Prologue.

What is the scariest thing in the world? If people say whatever first comes to mind, we would probably end up with answers like heights, spiders, or maybe even death; but there are definitively things in this world that are scarier than that. The ones I particularly find most terrifying, are people. Of course there are different types of people that are terrifying in their own particular way, but here, I'll only write about one of them.

People who love. This might sound a little stupid to some but bare with me and allow me to explain. The word 'love' has now lost its essence from the amount of times we've heard it said with astonishing lack of sentiment. But I am not referring to an eleven-year-old's version of love when they first confess to their crush; nor am I speaking about those words guiltily spat between ground teeth or stuttered in the spur of a moment for lack of a better thing to say. I don't mean those many whispered 'I love you's of someone who just cheated on their significant other.

No, what I fear is much more profound, raw, animalistic even. What I feat is a person who disregards their own life in order to whatever or whomever they love. Those people have a purpose and will do anything to see it through. Just like a parent protecting their child, a soldier fighting for a cause they believe in or anything that can inspire such passion in a person's heart that the consequences of their actions go beyond one's imagination. People with a mission and the will to lay down their lives to accomplish it; those are the people who scare me the most. It's men and women with this kind of drive and determination who bring down nations, who are able to destroy anything in their path; capable of building relationships, entire lives and tear through them with savage violence and not an ounce of hesitation.

But the most frightening part of it is not what they are capable of, it's the fact that you never know who they are until its too late. You might have known that person your entire life and never had contemplated the possibility. Anyone can be one of these people, one of those who love too much; and you'll never know until it's too late, not even if that person is you.

That is the moment these people will stun you the most, when you find that you yourself are one of them, unsuspicious even to your own consciousness, until you realize that you would be willing to do the unthinkable to protect what you love. When you realize, that after all, those things that once seemed so terrible are not anymore, and that if it means safety, then you don't mind doing them anymore. Not even if it means you will lose your humanity in the process.

I have only seen such drive in someone other than my brother and me, and it took me quite some time to realize it too. I knew Shisui and I were special in some way other kids in the clan were not, that was at least until I met Itachi. The heir to the Uchiha leadership seemed like nothing special when we had first been introduced, he was serious, pensive even beyond what would be considered normal for a four year old. Even I with the extensive training (it was extensive, ok? Cut me some slack I was four) I had been put through at that tender age, was not as stuck up as he was. Turns out it wasn't because he felt superior to others, as most people outside the clan thought, he was just very insightful and preferred to assess the situation before taking part in it.

His father, the Uchiha clan head Fugaku, was insanely proud of him, and he had reason to. Itachi was a prodigy in every sense of the word, excelling in every ninja art at a very young age and showing more promise than any other child in Konohagakure no Sato. But what no one expected from the quiet prodigy, was the fact that he was one of these people; one of those who love too much.

My childhood had been good enough considering the times we were living in. I had grown up within the safe walls of the Uchiha compound, caging me in for six years until I would be allowed to enroll in the academy, keeping me from seeing much of the village and even less of the world. Not that this was uncommon, after all I was a child; but it was at that young age that life started shaping itself around me, and events that would be shaping my future, started taking place.

"But onii-chan, I already practiced shuriken jutsu and kunai this morning! Why can't you teach me more taijutsu?"

Ah, the innocent, peaceful days when my only concerns were regarding my training. For some reason, even if I was a spoilt brat most times, my brother managed to somehow keep his cool; he was good with children like that, even if he was only two years older.

"Akane, your taijutsu is nearly perfect; you're the only one who could give Fugaku-sama's son a run for his money. Your other skills need honing too, you know?" I pouted. I used to do that a lot back in the day, so much in fact that Shisui had become immune to its effects, unlike our grandparents.

I took the weapons basket my brother handed me and once again, turned to face the target hung on the sole sakura tree in our garden. It had become a routine with the passing of the years, after our parents died in the war, Shisui had decided to take my training upon himself; since our grandparents were too old (and in my oba-chans case, too reluctant) for the task. So ever since I could stand up straight, Shisui had attempted to give me the knowledge he had acquired over his few years ahead of me. So far, he had been succeeding, and with my upcoming entrance exam in two years and Shisui's eventual graduation, we tried to spend as much time together as possible.

All of this led to a very strict training schedule we followed almost religiously. Before Shisui left for the academy, we would do a series of stretches and warm-ups, followed by our daily morning spar. And when I say spar, I mean a four year old attempting to pose a challenge to her seven year old brother. Anyway, Shisui would leave for class after breakfast and a bath, and I would get stuck with obaa-chan and the chores for the rest of the morning. Cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, doing the futons, I hated it all; but I did it without complaining or slacking off for obaa-chan's sake.

After that, I would help jii-chan at his shop in the Uchiha district market. He was a blacksmith, one of the best among the clan, and I had always loved watching him turn raw iron into the fine pieces of art that were considered his blades. Most customers were members of the clan, but every now and then came people from other parts of the village; and since I rarely stepped out of the compound, these were the most interesting days.

The bell hung on top of the front door chimed, snapping me out of my reading induced trance; I marked the page I was reading and put the book under the counter. Chakra control was a very important part of shinobi lifestyle, and I'd taken to read it's theory after a rather long rant Shisui had gone on after being under graded at the academy. The chunin sensei had obviously been in the wrong, so I was determined to, when the time came, point this person in the right direction and avenge my brother. No one looked down on Uchiha Shisui without facing the wrath of his younger sister, ever.

I let go of my still unborn plan for vengeance as I saw one of my favorite cousins enter the shop.

"Obi-niiiiiiii" I screeched as I jumped down from the stool behind the counter and made my way to him as fast as my short legs allowed me.

I only stopped a few feet away when I saw he wasn't alone. Embarrassing Obito-nii in front of his friends would not do. I would have loved to force the air out of my cousin with all the force a four year old could put into a hug, but apart from embarrassing him, I would put a blemish in the spotless name of the Uchiha with such childish behavior. So before I could give jii-chan a reason to scold me, I bowed down at the waist and tried to put the best impression of 'shinobi Shisui' on my face.

"Obi-chan, Onii-san, Onee-san; welcome to Uchiha Fuko's armory. What can I do for you?"

The girl behind my cousin cooed as silently as she could to try and not hurt my pride; while the silver haired boy simply acknowledged me with a slight bow of his own. Meanwhile, Obito smiled proudly and held his held high, probably showing off, with a light blush on his cheeks.

"Mah, Akane-chan, no need for formalities, this is just my team. This is Rin, and The gloomy bastard is Kakashi, I call him Bakashi though, It's more fun that way." The last part he whispered, shooting me a cheeky grin.

My cousin had always been quite easy to read, but the fact that a four year old could tell he was extremely pleased, spoke volumes. When Obito was pleased about something, he tended to boast, a lot; thus providing me with a semi-reliable information source; one just had to know where to look. That was how I came to know they were due another mission the next day, which delighted me in a way only Shisui knew. I had always been almost morbidly interested in anything shinobi, so this new information summoned a wave of curiosity and enthusiasm that I could only just hide.

"So you need more supplies for your new mission, is that right? Should I get your usual order of kunai, shuriken and fire conducting wire? Or will you need something else? I heard things are getting rough out in the battlefield."

I tried to hide my curiosity as best I could, Obito might have been a bit naïve, but I had heard about a silver haired prodigy before, and didn't want to get caught red handed trying to collect information. Thank goodness, he seemed to think I was interested in the subject, or at least making polite conversation; because he gave no signs of being onto me. Meanwhile both Obito and Rin looked amused by my 'playing adult' and had bright smiles on their faces as well as their full attention on me.

Ever since I had first started speaking, I'd found that different words and expressions, got different reactions out of people. Shisui, being the ideal shinobi trainee, had wasted no time in helping me hone that skill. He said information gathering and manipulation were key abilities for a shinobi to have; but that should only be used on the enemy. Of course, being a four year old, my 'enemy' was whoever happened to have what I wanted. In this case, Obito-nii and his team.

Obito put his hands on his knees and crouched to my height in order to address me. I, on my behalf stood straighter at attention, like my brother had told me when being addressed by a superior.

"That, Akane-chan, is classified information." he said slowly, clearly with the intention of letting my brain take in the new word; but I had been in the same room as my brother when he studied, it wasn't completely foreign to me.

I nodded rapidly and took a step back to address the other two, obaa-chan would have my head if she heard I was impolite to customers; and she would sure flip if she knew said customers were friends and comrades of the Uchiha.

"Rin-san, Kakashi-san, were you two looking for anything in particular? Our shop has quite the reputation for our work with chakra conducting metals." I said and made my way behind the counter to look for my cousin's usual order.

I struggled a bit with my yukata when I tried to climb the ladders and reach the top shelves behind the counter; but I managed to avoid breaking my neck and look at least a bit like I knew what I was doing. Traditional clothes were very restricting, when movement was concerned, but it sure looked good on a shopkeeper.

"That's the reason we are here actually, Uchiha-san. Both Kakashi and me are in need of chakra conducting blades." Answered the girl politely, the gleam of amusement still present in her eyes.

The other boy, on the other hand, who I was now certain, was the last member of the Hatake clan, stood silently to the side. He was eyeing up a tanto that was being displayed on a shelve to the side. He had a good eye, if I was being honest. The blade was not just beautifully decorated, displaying a wolf pack in the hunt on the side; but it was also of the finest quality my jii-chan had ever been able to make.

"I am no expert in that specific area," I said climbing down and placing my cousin's order on the front desk. "Would you please excuse me while I fetch my grandfather?"

When the lone kunoichi nodded, I smiled as sweetly as I could. Turns out Fuko Jii-chan was done with his orders for the day; so when the customers left, with their personal needs satisfied, I was allowed to go home and wait for Shisui.

In the afternoons, my brother would tell me about the lessons he had had that day or even a story if he had one about his classmates or teachers. After that, he would oversee my chakra training for the day. On this special discipline, I struggled more than was considered appropriate for a member of the Uchiha clan. Shisui worked hard to encourage me and hide his concern, but even if I was four, the disappointment whenever the leaf fell from my forehead, was still present in my eyes.

I tried really hard not to get discouraged, my brother was making a huge effort, and giving in to despair would be like throwing it all away. I didn't care if the clan thought of me as a disgrace; I just wanted to make my brother proud, to make him acknowledge me as a capable individual, someone worthy of being his sister.

I panted hard, trying to regain my composure, as my brother sat cross legged in front of me; leaf still firmly chakra-bound to my forehead.

"Nii-san, this isn't working!"

I wasn't trying to be ungrateful, not at all, but there was clearly something I was doing wrong; and it wasn't only compromising my training and hindering my development, it was making me a burden for Shisui. I never wanted to burden my brother, ever.

"Maybe Obaa-chan is right, maybe I'm no good-"

"Nonsense" Shisui never showed his frustration, not when it came to me; but for some reason, whenever I mentioned the issue with Obaa-chan he seemed really bothered by it. "If you want to be a Shinobi; that is what you will become. It makes no difference if you develop slower than everybody else in the clan. You will not be a career bride if you so clearly don't wish to."

He took a deep breath and closed his eyes before standing from his place on the training ground floor.

"I don't care if I have to train you myself. We will make an outstanding kunoichi out of you, Akane-chan." Shisui offered me his hand with a tired smile and waited for me to take it.

I couldn't help but hug him once I was on my feet. I knew he meant every single word he had said, he always did; and the fact that he so clearly had my future in consideration, showed me just how much he cared, and how lucky I was.

"Thank you Nii-chan, you are the best."

Shisui smiled right back at me and crouched, offering me his back. It had become almost a ritual; whenever we would be done with afternoon training, Shisui would give me a piggyback ride back home.

"Everyone deserves to live their own lives the way they want to, to make their own decisions and learn from their mistakes. No one is the same, Akane, and even if you don't agree with them, you should respect the path they have chosen."

The usual buzz surrounding the main road in the Uchiha compound was noticeably absent as we made our way through; it was to be expected since business was a lot less in the evenings. Very few people could be seen roaming around, and the few shop keepers that usually worked late were now closing up their stores.

"what if someone makes a bad decision, Nii-chan?" I asked quietly, noticing that I had no need to raise my voice above a whisper for him to hear me. The atmosphere around us was very calm and gave off a sense of warmth and comfort that I didn't want to break.

"Then you can do nothing but accept that it is the path they have chosen for themselves; and that they will have to face the consequences no matter what. Just make sure you never enforce those consequences out of spite, anger or vengeance, Akane. If someone has to atone for their sins, then let yourself be guided by your sense of justice."

Not entirely sure about what he had just said, I decided to just nod and let my head rest against his shoulder. I would later in life realize what he had meant back then; when friends and family would turn into criminals if only for a series of bad decisions.

[bluepenguinstories]

Happiness Overload Chapter Thirty

First thing I noticed was the rug on the floor. Then, there was the loss of orientation, a little bit of dizziness, and next thing I knew, I was vomiting.

“Oh, come on! Not on the good carpet!” The wheezing voice whined somewhere next to me. Probably off to the right.

“You might have meant 'rug', dog,” another replied, again, nearby.

I looked around. My vision wasn't in what I would call 'tip-top' shape by any stretch of the imagination but it was clear I was looking at a couch (or was it a sofa?) with about three tall and stoned creatures with long, pale faces.

“Rad,” was the first word I spoke.

“NOT rad,” one of the folks I had gotten to know as 'the beige' replied with a furor only matched by the degree in which they were stoned off their tits.

“You're right. This doesn't make me very happy. Not a smooth landing. Nu-uh,” I shook my head. I thought I had recalled my other times using the time cube much more of a smooth ride. With my euphoric body, I should not have had to experience such a painful entrance.

“That was the good rug, too! It really tied the pyramid together!”

“Ah, bro, brother, dog, fear not, my dude. For all good things must end, so too another shall begin. We may yet make another rug from the finest of hemp.”

“Say no more,” I belched, still feeling a bit of acidic vile. That didn't last, thank goodness.

“So, when do you think the problem child will arrive?” I could overhear my brethren doing their usual rounds of behavior I did not approve on. Though the cheerios I had been sucking on were running dry, I savored the flavor.

“Any minute now. I think they already did and just decided to bend logic,” came the response from one that I could tell just by listening was sitting right beside the other. Their voices carried through many layers of the pyramid. Let it be known how loud my brethren were when under the effects of hallucinogenics and let it be doubly so known that they were always under the effects of hallucinogenics.

I had arrived. Properly this time. So I may have added yet another past, but devil in the details, let's get down to brass tacks (side note: I never understood what that phrase meant but it sounds so serious and it makes me happy to finally have an excuse to use it).

“Welcome back,” one of the Beige greeted.

I grinned and waved to the sofas and the chairs occupied by my kindred spirits.

“It's good to be back! I've missed you guys so much!”

“Tell me, child, did you reach your emotional high?” An elder Beige inquired.

“Yeah, it felt good. You could say I'm sobered up a little at the moment, but I'll be with her fully in due time. I just want to see a friend of mine beforehand. Even after all this time, I feel like things aren't quite over, y'know?”

The elder took a rip from a bong and coughed a violent cough. “Yes, we understand.”

“By the way, how's the me on this universe doing?”

“They died breaking into what they thought was area 51.”

“Ooh!” That did sound pretty damn impressive, yet at the same time, I wasn't surprised. “Sounds just like them...er...me?”

“The populace likes to think there is something of value there. Do you know how many bases the US Military has? Experimental aircrafts, biological weaponry, electronic components, material from other planets, all over their bases across the planet. Of course, The Flashbulb owns all these things as well, and more. Also, of course, The Flashbulb owns all the other military bases on this planet. This planet is not very interesting. It's just the world going to war with itself to give itself resources and take resources away from itself.”

“That's neat! Though I don't care about any of that!”

All the Beige laughed, then coughed. Clouds of smoke pervaded through the pyramid's living room.

“Neither do we, that's why we said it's not very interesting. Yet people try to break into what they call 'Area 51'. Out of all the places in the world, Nevada is probably the least interesting of them all.”

I shrugged. “Maybe that's why they got the whole 'mythos' thing. Gotta drum up tourism somehow.”

“The only interesting thing on this planet is something not of this planet.”

“Yeah, I'd call that pretty interesting. Are you referring to yourselves?”

“We think you already know what we are referring to.”

I gave a hearty laugh. Of course I did.

Then I noticed something.

“Hey, you haven't been speaking in past tense as much as I remember. What's up with that?”

“Ah,” it sounded like one was reminiscing, or it could have been a lapse in consciousness. “We're already looking forward to the future.”

“That's fair! Know what's in store?”

“Well, the being you call 'Euphoria' has had quite the effect on people. The world is breaking itself in a manic craze. In time, this world will come to an end.”

“Sounds good! You guys okay with that, though?”

They gave a collective shrug. “It was bound to happen when The Flashbulb introduced such a thing. We have enjoyed our time here and will continue to do so in the future. But what of you? When you were here prior you seemed more eager to prevent such a catastrophe?”

“Well, I'm a little bit different than whoever you met before.”

Lighter laughter. “Yes, we're sure you are. As all things go.”

I continued. “Considering she is a part of me just as she is a part of Earth, it would seem a little unfair of me to be against it. I'm just happy to be here before it already ended!”

“Ah, well, you can say it's in the process of ending.”

“So you're a whole new being now, eh?” One of the Beige asked, sounding more drunken than high. “One with the angel, eh?”

“Yeah! Pretty cool, huh?”

“HEY PEABRAIN, CAN YOU TELEPORT?”

“Isn't that how this whole story started in the first place? I mean, yeah, but then I'm a different version of me, aren't I? I can't even tell what number we're on anymore. I think I lost count after three.”

“There are an infinite number, as you're aware,” an elder Beige pointed out.

“I'm aware, but I'm not interested,” I shrugged, even gave a fake yawn for added effect. “Anyway, know where Conrad is?”

“He's dead.”

“Shoot. Even in this timeline the guy can't catch a break. Well, what about Velvet?”

“Not dead.”

“Cool! I'd like to visit her, then! I've missed her!”

“ARE YOU GOING TO TELEPORT?”

“Dude.” I made some wild gestures. “What is your deal with teleportation?”

More eruptions of laughter mixed with coughs. I sighed.

“I'm just going to walk, actually.”

They seemed to be ignoring me.

I looked around. I didn't remember jack shit. This wasn't good.

“How do I get outside again?”

They laughed and pointed to my left. Even the elders were in on it. I wish I was having as good of a time as them, but I knew leaving would have made me much happier.

“Thanks, you guys. You know, I'm going to miss you.”

“You're really going to walk? When it's hot out? Do you know how slow you humans walk, anyway?”

I grinned. I wasn't too bright. They were right to question my actions.

“I'm sure I can get some kind of mini air-conditioner going and I can catch some rides along the way. I'm not even too sure where Velvet is, but I'm sure I'll stumble across her eventually. Besides, there's something poetic about getting to see the world as it's falling apart, don'cha think?”

Everyone fell silent.

“My dude, that sounds super pretentious.”

I waved as I walked away. As I walked away, I heard the wild explosion of laughter beginning again. Perhaps they too were affected by Euphoria. Then again, it was probably just the weed.

I stamped my good, healthy feet down the steps leading to the bottom of the pyramid where the living room was. At least one of my hearts was healthy. I had good cholesterol levels. My people were threatening to raise my blood sugar. All this noise they made while I was attempting to meditate. My precious meditation! What more? I believed I heard chatter downstairs, chatter that was coming from someone who wasn't of our kind.

My respiratory dongers took on the foulest of stenches.

“Do you guys ever consider using an air freshener!!? Is it so hard?!”

“This is the good kush, Tim,” one of them explained. No. There was NO use explaining. My fellow idiots were NOT going to get out of this one.

“By the way, WHO was here just now?”

“Oh, just one of those problem children, you know how it is.”

“GREAT. How many kids do you have, anyway? I really should keep a better eye on you guys, but the trouble is you guys keep me from being calm!”

“I think we just had the one, didn't we?” One turned to the other.

“Well, there was the other one, I think? I don't know, we were stoned when that happened,” the other replied.

“Dude, we were stoned when both times happened!”

“How do we even remember it happening in the first place?”

“Because, like, get this, it happened in at least a few pasts!”

“The past sure is a funny thing!”

“Which one?”

The two of them burst into...well, hideous noises! Horrid and rapturous!

“Shut up! Both of you! I get it! We all get it! We're all aware of the infinite and ever expanding universes and how events play out differently in each one of them! But guess what? We're stuck in this one and the problems we face are right here!”

“Tim, try some dank kush and maybe you'll calm down,” one of the older ones handed me a joint. I slapped that useless object out of their hand and looked in disgust.

“Tell me WHO was here already!”

They shrugged. “Just Blanc.”

“And WHO is that?”

“Just someone problematic.”

“So you didn't give birth to them?”

“Nah, just visited a while back and we figured they were chill so we invited them to the Hall of Memories.”

“I...just...how...why...oh, never mind! I'm going back to the top of the pyramid and I'm going to meditate on this until this planet crumbles.”

The whole way back up the steps, the many flights of steps, I grumbled. I just couldn't believe the irresponsibility of my fellow idiots. No, I could believe it because I've been living with them since we crashed here! I don't even know how long that's been anymore but our whole time I've witnessed the effects of their irresponsibility. They just didn't care, did they? As long as they got high, they didn't care what they did. That's why I never touched the stuff, even though our people thrive on it! Because...because we're all idiots!

Once I made it to my quarters at the top of the pyramid, I arranged the grains into various shapes and thought of the numerous ways I could suck on them.

“Yes...it's their fault...they do all these irresponsible things and I try to do the right thing by staying out of it so I can make sure I'm not one of the ones responsible...” I muttered and groaned, while sucking on a couple of granular circles in the most intricate of ways.

“This is all their doing...this is all them...” I was starting to nod off. That was how I knew the meditation was working.

All of these memories. I didn't know who I was or when I was at times. Past, future, never a present. But all of that would end. I reached clarity when I devoured my brother and I was closer and closer to clarity the closer I had been to my brother.

Lurching now, weakened just a bit. I inched my way through those darkened halls and coughed up flesh and bone.

“Oh, brother. Seems I wasn't meant to hold you down,” I heaved a little more as I smiled with my blackened teeth. “No matter, we are together. We will meet our goal together.”

Few steps further. I didn't even need to take many steps. I was everywhere except in my own body.

I was deep underground, in a series of tunnels. Also deep underground in a series of tunnels were my brother and sister, Gumby and Polo. Not related by blood, of course. Unless I were to devour them. I knew Gumby wished to devour an angel, or at least wished to meet such an angel to fulfill his wish of an amphibious army. I wished to devour the same angel, or at least meet such an angel to fulfill my wish. My wish of...

My wish of having a wish?

I already knew from the start the angel wasn't one who dealt in granting wishes.

That said, I was aware of who else was underground. I spoke with her once through a corpse. One sweet Dr. Chekhov. Quite the kisser. But that wasn't the 'her', that was the corpse.

She was of a different breed. Quite ordinary. As was Chekhov, but he was an obsessive one. Quite like me. Obsessed over the angelic. Again, quite like me. Velvet, she was the one down here, ordinary. Not quite like me. Not quite, but a sister in her own right.

She was also with the angel I had been seeking. I knew the angel would appear, close to me. Not close enough to taste. All I could see were memories, memories I was not allowed to live. So it was up to me to project myself and influence what I could until the angel was ready to have audience with me. Until my body was ready to move closer. I had the clarity, but I was still not quite ready yet for everything...

What were they all responsible for?

Oh, just a problem child.

When we landed on Earth, it wasn't a crash landing. Not at first. We were time-travelers. We were conquerors. We had such great technology and were prepared to lead the humans to a new era of prosperity.

It wouldn't, or shouldn't, have even been difficult. We would arrive in what would eventually be come to be known as Egypt and conquer them, then work our way up. We made sure it was early into human civilization so that they wouldn't have as advanced technology to challenge us. We had it all planned it.

Once we landed, however, we were greeted by humans in strange attire. We would later describe them as 'business suits'. One of them, who introduced themselves in a language that would later be described as 'English', which we were certain was not what the Egyptians were speaking during that time, said unto us:

“Hey, we're time-traveling entrepreneurs and we were thinking how our time traveling devices aren't quite up to snuff. We noticed you have some of your own, so we're just going to steal them from you.”

We had no idea what they were saying at the time, though we would later understand years later. We tried communicating in hand gestures, but they must have taken it as a threat as they pointed weapons at us that sent electricity through our systems and restrained us. Due to the hard coating of our bodies, such a feat should have been impossible, but those people must have done their research on us beforehand.

Next thing we knew, they went in our ship and ransacked it, leaving little behind. After we could move again, we looked inside to see the one thing we could salvage were our cannabis plants.

I think the rest had already been told.

We introduced our plants to the Egyptian people and they were so impressed that they built us a pyramid to live in. We took shelter in the pyramid, expanded space underneath to fit our ship inside. Then we disassembled our ship and repurposed some of the parts to create air conditioning units. We dug further underground to make space for the Hall of Memories. We brought it with us, but not with the ship. There's no real way to explain it and I was never high enough to understand, myself. It was just something that was ever expanding, just as the universe.

All of this may be common knowledge by now. As it's pretty apparent, those folks who stole from us were members of what would become known as The Flashbulb. We lived in secrecy and have been ever since. So why waste anyone's time bringing all that up? Surely this is just drivel that will be recorded in the Hall of Memories as a portion of repetitive nonsense.

Well, let's see...

The 'lived in secrecy' part. Yes. Kind of hard to do when people already knew about you.

At least the people who knew about us were accepted and adored us, treating us like honored guests. Or, really, some kind of divine beings. I would end up finding my fellow idiots intoxicated on inhaled cannabis plants surrounded by humans crawling all over them. Oh, the humans were intoxicated, too. They loved the stuff. The things the humans were doing disgusted me. Gyrating and pressing their mouths against various parts of my kind.

It seemed like they were enjoying it. Both the humans and my fellows. There were fluids all over the floor and I was pretty sure it wasn't bong water. I was, of course, disgusted. As anyone should be.

Few days, or maybe months, it was hard to pin an exact date, especially when calenders change, later, I checked up on my people and noticed something on the floor and the dank scent of something...indica.

Whatever was on the floor seemed to be moving. Well, moving in place. I leaned down and noticed that the movements were breaths. This thing was alive and breathing.

“That was new,” one of them pointed at the creature on the floor.

“New? NEW?!” I was...the word wasn't quite astonished, but it was a certain furious and confused feeling. “What did you do?”

“They called it 'sex'...”

“Yes! I know what sex is! We all know! Intercourse! You...conceived! This is horrible!”

“We conceived constantly. Each thought became a conception,” one pointed out.

“You know what I mean!”

“You did not speak in past tense...”

Their heads bobbed, so dizzy they looked. My head was getting dizzy just looking at them. Just looking at the newborn...whatever on the floor.

“How did this happen?!”

“That was much better, brethren.”

“Tell me NOW!”

“Those pharaohs were quite...alluring.”

Each nodded in unison.

“We aren't supposed to breed with humans!” I protested. As I had been. Every word I spoke, every action, a protest against their madness.

“Did you suggest a certain...racism?”

“No! Our anatomies are incompatible! You already know this!”

“My bro, many things became possible whenever we got stoned. You have known this.”

“Never mind that! You HAVE to take responsibility!”

“Indeed, we smoked a lot of the good stuff, and there was still much to smoke. We needed to smoke more.”

They each took turns taking more hits and ignoring the small, black mass, writhing on the floor.

“Fine!” I yelled. “I'll take it upon myself!”

As I marched up those steps, I didn't realize what an undertaking that would be, nor did I yet know what they had wrought upon the planet. I looked down on this creature, much less beige in color than any of us, and started to think the thing was rather...adorable? Especially the tentacles writhing every which way from the back.

At the top of the pyramid, the room was small, the space between the walls were thin. It was darkest up there and enough space for my tall body and the reeds I liked to carry with me. Though it was a cramped space, it was mine and suitable for me. I rocked and cradled the young in my arms and could hear the creature gurgle and thought of the different ways I may raise it.

I could instill a good system of values, teach all that I know, nurture the thing, feed them, raise them, be the very thing the rest of my kind couldn't and refused to be. I could be just what the child needed. While lost in such thoughts, I started drifting off to sleep and before my consciousness went on vacation, beyond the foul odor emanating from the child, I thought I heard them utter their first word:

“Entropy”.

I felt like crying tears of THC.

As of the current moment I was certain of the direction of the narration even in spite of my movements.

“Hello, Tim,” I said, though no one was around to hear me, especially not Tim. At the current moment in time, I was certain of just what thoughts were coming from whom. Now there was yet the question of the movements, where these legs would take me. Such long, foreign objects.

“Dr. Chekhov may not mind if I swallow him whole,” yes, that was the next course of action. Of course. I would visit the one I spoke through, if only but a moment. I would devour the scientific knowledge. Or, I would find nourishment.

“Oh, Tim. It is a wonderful thing that you remember me, even as we may never meet again.”

Through the labyrinth of hallways I made my way, motioned, though I pictured myself as a reel on a tape. I must have been a motion picture. I must have seen myself as a movie. At the present, I detected no reflection. Oh, and the Beige that Blanc met, I had the answer.

“I cannot move. I can teleport.”

So through shadow, my appearance. Within the room, computers. Abandoned. Husk of a body, hunched, a seeming smile spread on the face of the man. I smiled back. I greeted him. As I approached, I thought of romance. When I was near his face, situated on his skull, I kissed him. He wasn't breathing. He had been dead for an unknown amount of time. I was guessing at least two hours. If I was counting on the low end.

“Velvet, if we were to meet I would thank you for shoving lipstick down his throat.”

Though it was never applied to his lips. Less of a kiss, I released myself from him before opening my mouth and letting the caverns expand. The entrance to what would accept the once doctor's skull would need to widen if I were to take it all in. So began the process.

As the devouring process went underway, I considered what the next course of action may be. One may think and eat at the same time. Just as a couple of friends may chat over a good meal at a diner. So to would I make headway on a good meal. Once I had my fill, I needed something new to keep me going. To think that I was aimless would have been a mischaracterization.

Noble goal as any, to continue as I had been doing. The spread of happiness to the world. What better way to show my conviction than to pay a visit to another good doctor? The next one I would spare the pleasure of swallowing whole. All I desired from the one in mind was a little chat. After all, my accomplishments deserved an audience.

Baby didn't cry. That was the first thing I made note of. I wrote on the walls with my reed 'baby no cry'.

I stared at the abyssal thing. Thing stared back at me. Already so old and ancient, only alive for a day.

“What am I?” Spoke the creature. Stretching at two meters tall.

Astonished, I lacked in an explanation. “You were born of one of us, and a human. Or several.”

“Has the Dunwich Horror come out yet?” They asked.

I had no answer to that either.

Again, the creature spoke:

“So what does that make me?”

“A little of both, not quite either,” was the best answer at the moment, and I wish I had another.

“It's a good read, though I suppose the author won't be alive for a long time. Reminds me a little of myself.”

“Which part?”

“The ones who spawned me are downstairs, correct?”

I nodded.

“The contents of the story. I am already alive, silly.”

So the creature itself moved on its own, bipedal, already accustomed to legs. No need to crawl. Yet I was the one on the floor and could not figure out how I was going to pick myself up.

“It has only been a day...” I whispered. Oh, but the coming days would prove to be adjustable.

After a while, I got used to their speech patterns, though at certain points I wondered whether it was actually a side effect of their birth or something deliberate. There were moments where they seemed rather inconsistent. Child-like with too much knowledge. It dawned on me then what the problem was: their mind was ours, through and through. All the contents of the Hall of Memories, spread within the caverns of their mind, scattered and shaken about. With the mixed birth and the high levels of THC they were born with, they had trouble organizing such thoughts. Sometimes things were more clear than others.

I lost, or would lose, track of days until years passed. All the knowledge I tried to pass down to them proved ineffective as they already knew such things. Maybe not in the moment, but maybe a few days prior, or a few days later.

One day, or year, either way, one particular phase of the moon, I stumbled downstairs, running low on my granular supply.

In the living quarters, my fellow pale ones were blowing smoke and the tall, dark mass stood stiff, arms folded.

“We have the opportunity to take back what is ours!” Shouted the creature.

One of the elders, moving a lazy hand and gazed with a lazy eye, replied:

“Why would we do anything like that?”

“I might go about calling myself Iskandar...unless that guy hasn't existed yet...I cannot claim to be someone I emulated if the person I want to emulate isn't around...”

“Who?” I asked, barging in.

“Oh, hello, one who ate the grains. Be it wheat?” Another elder asked of me, then turned to my adopted child in shadow. “We have everything we need right here, not to worry.”

“But they stole from us! We were going to conquer this planet and now you don't want to do anything! If I wanted to, right now, I could find the ones who stole from us and destroy them!”

“No need, child. They will do that to themselves. We are better sitting here until that happens.”

This 'child', turned to me, a jagged and loose grin. “An honorary pharaoh, something which I may be. Tell me, do we have names?”

The great elder ones shook their ancient heads in a stupefying manner. “We have no need of such things, nor do you.”

They dusted off their shoulders, so broad, so narrow, such a contradiction. Some smoke, some shadow, faded, yet the human features were just that: features, and the non-human parts were pronounced in their obscurity. What I hoped to raise, they shook their head, less anger and more a look of shame. As if they were the parent and we were facing a collective disapproval.

“I must go, then. I cannot stay here and do nothing. What would that say of my life?”

None of us had an answer, not even I. Just as they walked away, they stopped in their tracks.

“I will come up with a name for myself and until I find one that satisfies me, that name will keep changing,” they made such a bold declaration before twisting their head in my direction and pointing their chiseled yet crooked finger my way. “Tell me, have you gone by 'Tim' yet?”

My loins knew the answer, though I refused to acknowledge them. Deep down, within the gland on the upper portion of my skull, I also knew the answer. That I had for the longest time had these same thoughts. That we should have tried to fight back and returned to our original goal. That we had grown stagnant and now the very idea of a goal seemed absurd. Absurd yet, the thought that we had no names, no identities, didn't sit well with me, but I never thought of one that would prove a remedy. Tim...that name sounded comforting. Such simplicity. So sublime.

“No, not yet,” was my response.

Not yet acknowledging that I had acknowledged their question, they turned their attention back to the ones seated on their cushioned thrones.

“Tell me: do we have genders?”

“We have no need for such ridiculous things!” They dismissed, baffled by the very idea. We were aware some of the humans who came to visit had such things, though not everyone. “What are we going to do with those? Smoke them?”

“You will soon,” they nodded. Though this answer seemed a response to my fellow wise idiots in comfort, I knew it was directed at me.

They walked away, approaching the exit, and without even turning their head, they whistled a tune and called out through the darkness:

“From this day henceforth, I am a man! Yessiree! I am he!”

I didn't think the song would catch on, but if 'he' wanted to sing, why not? Well, it seemed my ilk had objections, as as soon as he was gone, they all burst into laughter.

“So they're just gong to have a name and gender now?”

“You mean, HE'S going to have a name and gender now!”

I got cross.

“You guys are being rather disrespectful, you know?”

They continued laughing.

“It's not what you think! We're so high we can't stop laughing! We don't mind what that problem child does or doesn't do! So he's a he? We're just gonna be here smoking the leaf!”

I was about to go back up to the tip top of the pyramid when I remembered why I came downstairs. Not wanting to go out into the heat, I inhaled what I hoped to be nothing before exhaling a plea.

“Can I borrow some of your cannabis, my dogs?”

The great elder bowed their head, then stuck out a tongue, an affirmative statement. “The plant is for all of us, my dude.”

Blessed be. I took the bushel of kush up to my quarters. Though this felt like an hour of weakness, it would only be for one night, then it would be back to the grain...I just hoped that the paranoia wouldn't set in.

My full story...hm...yes. I could tell what Tim was doing. Honestly, such an ordeal was going to be lengthy and boring. Memories are a fickle thing. That was an allowed present tense statement because it was, is, and always will be true. Whatever Tim was about to bring up was just a matter of memories. Even that very fact was something worth remembering. If I myself were just a pile of memories, then I was false data mixed in with vague truths.

Entertaining, really. That was why I loved my brother, though I could never be like them. All I could do while watching another's memories of me through my own memories was sip brain matter through a straw. In other words, relax, and enjoy the show. Or be prepared to get bored to death.

We sat. Just as we always did. Our meals consisted of the grub we took turns gathering each day, the grub resting far beneath the soil. As we would all be high, such tasks could take anywhere from a few minutes to a few hours and it was not unheard of for a day to pass before the one tasked to supply our cure for the munchies returned. All the while, we sat.

Grub; locusts, mealworm, scorpions, snakes, and flies, mixed together and mashed up before being left to dry in what would result in a concoction perfect for any time of day. As it was known, the munchies could strike at any time, so our grub had to be readily available. When the munchies rared their ugly heads, we dipped our finger in the grub and chowed down.

None of this information was important, yet someone needed to know it, that much was certain. The only relevance is that at a specific point in time, that time being the past, we all had a collective case of the munchies. Just as we dipped and savored our grub, we were made aware of the humanity on our laps, kissing us up.

Such lovely humanities we were fine with, but one humanly body tore its way into the pyramid base and we could see the look on their face; paranoia was setting in.

“One of our children has gone missing! What if it was one of our enemies? Or the wrath of the gods? Osiris? Ra?”

“Now, now,” we reassured. “None of your gods have ever been interested in children.”

“Then what?” The human of Egypt continued to be in a state of panic. This alarmed about two of the sensual ones, who ceased their pleasures to share in the worry.

“Which child was it?” One of them asked.

“One of the children of the sun,” the barging one explained. “Shorter than a reed, thin, black hair! All the other children were accounted for!”

“Oh no!” One of the lovelies on our laps cried out in distress. “What if they were eaten alive by locusts? The season is upon us!”

Despairing bearer of bad news only had a head to shake. “One of the children told me they saw a tall man clad in shadow interacting with the missing child, though they claim not to know what happened!”

We looked to each other and nodded. Though it may not have been our business, one of us decided to interject.

“We know what happened,” we explained.

“You do?”

“Mhm. But we are too high to tell you.”

This left most of them disappointed, so another of us reassured them.

“Fear not, your missing child was probably eaten.”

This did not have our intended effect, as this just drove the group in a haze of speculation. All the humanity in the room fled and took all the fear with them.

I was doing my ritual meditations when I received a visit from the child. I opened my eyes and he was beside me. I took a jump back from where I had been sitting. Bad vibes emanated from entrance.

“Fear not,” he spoke with a icy glee. “I'm not actually here! Fancy trick, is it not?”

“How am I able to see you, then?”

“Firetrucks are pretty important.”

“What are those?”

“I'm projecting myself. Don't worry, it's a hallucination! It's also not one, because we're interacting and this is an actual conversation! Turns out any Beige could do it, the real mystery is why they don't!”

“So where are you really?”

“I suppose firetrucks haven't been invented yet...they will be pretty important. I don't suppose you have just regular trucks either. You're probably closer to trebuchets than trucks. Well, keep your eyes peeled for them. By the way, Tim, you're looking pretty healthy. I've thought of meditating, myself, but I seem to always be on the move. You know me, ever the busybody!”

“I really don't know you. I tried. I tried to teach you the right things. You already seemed ahead of me from the beginning.”

I ignored the fact that he called us 'Beige' as that was something we didn't even call ourselves. Though we didn't really find value in calling ourselves anything, it seemed.

“I don't really know where I am! I just move! Territories haven't quite been established yet, have they? Even if they have, I can't make heads or tails of where and when I am! Whenever something is no longer fulfilling, I look for something else, simple as that!”

“I see...so what have you been up to?”

“Please, Tim. Don't sell yourself short! I do love you, after all, just as I love all things I am not quite like! You taught me that, don't you know? That I'm not quite like you guys and I'm not quite like the humans. Oh, but I do love them both all the same. You taught me to be proactive, you taught me the importance of a name! Right now I've been calling myself 'something-hotep', though I don't think it's been catching on! Oh, and the elders taught me things as well! When I would go out into the grub gardens, they would teach me about sin and morals and what silly things those are! They taught me of the importance of the past, though I can't really distinguish it from the present or future! Maybe it's like that for all of them, though? Hm...”

Quite talkative, this one was. 'Something-hotep'. Was it a name of mockery for the people who took us in or a sincere name? I didn't think it would last.

“Maybe it is...I don't think I feel it as much as the others do as I rarely partake in the herb, though the great elders would say a lack of THC in the system is dangerous.”

“I've been up to a great many things! You know, I figured that the other Beige may have been right and pursuing those who stole from us would be a futile effort and I could still conquer. But 'conquer' was too harsh a word. That's not really what I wanted. I love humanity, after all. I want to see the best of them and I knew I could help them. I made it my goal to lead a large group of people and they followed wherever I went! It was a time of peace and prosperity! Ah, but then I got bored of them. These people started dying off and fights were breaking out and it was really quite tiresome. So I started suggesting a few things here and there and next thing I knew, they all killed each other.

I decided that I needed a new goal, one that would last me longer. I still wanted to help humanity in some way, or at least stave off boredom for a little while, but something was missing. Maybe the scope was too small? Whatever it was, I figured the best course of action was to get closer to humanity. Plus, I missed you. So I returned to Egypt and I ate someone.”

“Why would you do something like that?”

He pondered, though I don't think it was a pondering of my question.

“Yes, you're not much like the others, are you? But that's okay. I love you just as I love them. You know, when you came down and overheard my anger towards the ones who birthed me over their stagnation, it was not the first time I expressed a desire for identity. I would often go out and speak with the elders and do you know what they once told me when I asked for a name?”

“No, I don't.”

“I figured it would bring me closer to humanity! Alas, it mostly tasted like flesh. Bit of organs here and there. Not boneless, I may add, but since it was just a child, it didn't taste so bad. You know, in many ways, I am still a kid. Or at least one at heart. I don't think I'll ever be allowed to grow any older.”

I felt like I was going to wretch. None of the others had a desire to eat our own. I could hear his excuse now “but humans aren't quite like me, and besides, it was an act of love.” To this problem child, swallowing a life whole must have been like making hamburgers out of a sacred cow; I didn't know the meaning to my own analogy.

“That's sick...” I mustered my reply. I felt as if he would neither continue nor leave unless I said something.

“They told me, in their great wisdom, to look at the sky. They told me that there are countless stars among countless galaxies and that I was a single comet among a host of stars. That a chunk of rock doesn't ask for a name and just does what it does and allows itself to happen. That is what I am. That if I should strive to be anything, it ought to be to strive to be nothing,” I heard a sniffle. He wiped his face, then laughed. “Do you understand? That is what they are! They do nothing and allow things to happen! But I know very well that's not how they used to be and that's not how I want to be! That's not who I am! Because I am not quite like them, now am I?”

This time, he required no response. Nary a pause.

“That's right! Do you know what is also sick? That I should exist and allow things to pass on their own! I know who stole from us, they call themselves 'The Flashbulb' and they are brazen! They deserve no remorse and I despise them! They are humanity! I despise the Beige because their inaction speaks volumes! That they would resign themselves to live the same monotonous life for all eternity! I despise and I love them all, for I could never be either of them and they are so foolish and I admire their differences and in the end, they all mean nothing!”

His voice, seething rage and a blackened laughter.

“I am going to live for a very long time, you see...I need something to keep me going. No others mean anything to me, nothing else is important, all I ask is something fulfilling. Something that I can work toward and feel satisfied afterward. I will attempt many things, this I know. Many goals I will have I will achieve, and still I will seek more. Many others I will come close to achieving and abandon, feeling empty toward the end. Do you understand?

I will never disappear. I will always be out there so long as I am not satisfied. For all I amount I despise The Flashbulb, in the end, they mean nothing to me, because I know I could dismantle them at any point and I would still exist. So what then?”

I had no answer. Did I ever?

His hands shook, he grinned, then fell silent.

“It was nice playing catch up. I may discard you at some point, so hope you have nothing but restless nights.”

The image of him ceased. Or, the one in front of me. But within, he persisted. I became aware of his actions, even if I never knew what they may be, I knew what destruction he would bring. Whatever name he went by, he would make himself known. In a sense, he felt an obligation to make himself important, even though I knew he thought of himself as the least important of all.

Or maybe he thought of himself as the most important. I wished he would remain a secret, but I knew he couldn't keep himself hidden. At least not to me, and who knew who else he would like others to know him?

Thousands of years passed by since. That memory still haunts me.

I remembered once coming downstairs and everyone seemed to be having a sort of celebration. It was rare to see any of us, me included, with such energy. Our tall bodies writhed with pleasure, our legs dangling in the air and sliding around on the ground.

“What's the occasion?” I asked.

One of the elders, dancing, informed me.

“Our child has reportedly fallen into a coma for which they will not awake from!”

“Can I see?”

“Nope! Because some humans took the body to one of their secret facilities! Probably not good that those outside of the small group of Egyptians know about us, but who cares? Not our problem now!”

Yes...I should have hated the fact that we were known, that it seemed at any moment, the humans could eradicate us, however...that he would no longer be a threat, all I could be was relieved. I let out a sigh, signifying such a thing.

“Now we can smoke weed all day, every day!” One elder cheered in a proverbial voice.

“But don't you do that already?” I asked.

“Hey!” Another elder, though looked closer in age to me, judging by the lack of tentacles, pointed a fleshy finger. “Don't kill our vibe!”

I was much too happy to argue, so I did a little jig and went back to the top of the pyramid where I hummed a little tune and smiled.

For years and years, I thought I was rid of the one who had started going by the name 'Marco' as I found out just a few days ago. I didn't understand how Conrad knew of his existence or how he was still out there when I was told he had gone into a coma, never to awake again, but I felt the fear once more and those stupid Beige were wholly responsible.

Did Tim wrap it up? I admit I fell asleep partway, but I think some of those memories were still fresh. I must say, I was a little amused at that assumption that I was the one in a coma. Did Tim not know that the Beige had sex with each other once and had a full Beige-baby? Well, maybe if Tim came out of their room more often, there would have been less confusion.

If I cared enough to visit, I would assure Tim that I ate the one in the coma and I was doing just fine. But I knew that things were coming to an end soon and what would make Tim happiest was not to see me, and I sure did like to make others happy. So, like a good Samaritan, it was due time to commit other random acts of kindness.

[badlydrawndrawnings]

ASOUE SEASON 3, Part 2

There are some things that I enjoy, some things that bug me, and some of those things that bug me are thing I do enjoy but i have to question regardless. The post grew so long I’m cutting it into two parts, and frankly this covers The PP and The End (part one won’t be linking because idk what Tumblr did with that update with links).. We are in the second half of the season, and boy, do I have a lot of hot opinions! Most of it it’s under the read more to not cog the tags.

Frank, Ernest, and Dewey: I feel so validated my theory of Dewy was talking to the Baudelaires last and pretending to be Frank or Ernest is confirm...here at least! Speaking of them, I think Frank was the first one the Baudelaires talk too, then Ernest talk second. In the first convo, Frank or Ernest was Serious and To the Point, and Frank (confirm in book it’s Frank)) was like that with Violet. In the second convo, Frank or Ernest was Friendly and Emotional with his words, and Ernest (confirm in book it’s Ernest) was being a bit cheeky with Klaus and humorous when lassoing Larry Your Waiter up (RIP). Sorry about your brother you two... but boy the shot Dewy floating in the water looks beautiful. 

I think the show was trying to pull a red herring that Kit was ‘evil’ due her asking Dewy to give Frank her regards because no one knows about the unicorn that is Dewy.

Lack of Sir and Charles/Switching roles/The JS Debate: I learned beforehand Charles’ actor couldn’t make it to filming so they had to rewrite him out. Didn’t expect to get rid of Sir (granted, I hear Sir’s actor is like..expense to get back or something and season one was lucky to get him). Still, nice to see that they were able to get Jerome to fill in his (kinda) canon role and Charles. Also, are Charles and Jerome together? That’s a great step up Jerome! Also, nice to know Babs and Miss Bass are together (man I wonder how the in-laws will react to that). I think what really threw me into the loop is that the Netflix Show made JS, the person behind it all, to be Justice Strauss with others JS helps. Correct me if I’m wrong, but the book had ‘JS’ be anonymous as not even Justice Strauss or Jerome knew who is the real JS since they thought it was meet for them (with theories saying it’s Lemony pretending to his brother and the taxi driver in the PP is him. Thanks Netflix for actually confirming the taxi driver part). Didn’t mind Nero being with Esme. I like that (they didn’t show the report who name I freaking forgot. Guess that says something).

At the Opera Tonight & (Lack Of) Bertrand : Hey, Netflix...Olaf’s parents death was A HIT MURDER by Beatrice, The Snickets (Kit and maybe Lemony if 13 Secrets is valid, who know about Jacques), and most importantly, BERTRAND. The books made it clear both were involved in some way or form. In fact, the lack of Bertrand is so insulting. Lemony may not say talk about him too much, but damn it, Lemony liked and respect Bertrand and never hold a grudge. Lemony in the show is the same, just less because the writers really did put more of an emphasis on Beatrice as the Lost Lenore and true OTP (????). In fact, why did the Opera events paint the noble side of VFD good with the accidental death? It was hit, and everyone was guilty and not free of sin. Here though, they are guilty as hell but free of sin as ‘it was an accident’. Well, since Bertrand wasn’t involve in the events here...the guy is actually innocent and free of sin good job Bertrand you don’t have blood on your hand (this sounds like sarcasm but it’ not). Also. you a handsome man.

Personal Headcanon That I Will Never Let Go Now Due to the Above Nonsense: Olaf’s parents were part of VFD, and were sympathetic to the fire starting side of schism, but overall close to neutral (Olaf didn’t and will never know, and book implies the schism wasn’t bad until after Olaf did his thing to frame Lemony for the crimes), due to their positions of society as aristocracy, a father in a high government related job (thanks Netflix for making Dad the Chief of the Official Fire Department it almost lines up perfectly) and mother as A-List Theater Performer. They managed to get a faster reunion when Olaf is 17 (Lemony, Olaf, and a few others are supposed to be the same age while the other siblings are older by a few years, and 18 seems to be the legal age of becoming an adult in this world). The three were at the opera for their first time reunion, and Beatrice and Bertrand were given the task on getting rid of them, and they thought ‘oh this will be easy’ because Kit was helping to deal with Esme and they succeeds. They were about to celebrate and leave when they hear Olaf and see him running to his dead parents (they have no idea he was there. If Lemony was involve, then they did knew but used Lemony as a distraction to make sure Oalf won’t witness the deed. As to why Olaf as to see the body? Because seeing a body adds extra fuel to people waiting revenge). Olaf is still on the noble side at this point (if barely), and he doesn’t know the truth until later, after somehow losing the family fortune and a switch to the fire starting side. Incompetent banking may or may not be involve. 

Hotel Denouement (Fire): Bit upset the sign isn’t written backwards, but hell, I want to stay there regardless!!! Also, I like how the show kept most of the fates a mystery expect Justice Strauss (how did she get down from the roof). The books implies Mr. Poe will die another night, so ergo in Netflix Show Mr. Poe and oddly enough, Vice Principal Nero of all people, survive as well. Thanks Nero for saving Mr. Poe for his offscreen date in the future. Side topic, but my headcanon in the books is (excluding Mr. Poe as his is given) Esme, Ernest, Hal, Hugo and Colette and Kevin survived. Those that made it out but died due to fire related injures later on (within a day or a week) would be  Frank, Jerome, Charles, Sir, Nero and the Teachers, and Carmelita. Everyone else is 100% dead (guess I got to change my 100% dead Justice Strauss status lol). The choices were pick due to drama (Esme cares for Carmelita and would be 100% heartbroken to see her die after the two made it out. For Frank and Ernest, I figure losing one brother would change their hostile relationship to a reluctant team up to get out of the fire together. Frank, being noble, gets Ernest out first resulting getting injuries and dying later, leaving Ernest all alone. Sir and Charles were still holding hands when they got out, but Sir died first and Charles went next due to a broken heart) or luck (Hal survived one fire already; I want Hugo, Colette, and Kevin to catch a good break). 

I cried when the ending happened that song f*** me up so bad like things could have been different and happy but I’m stuck in misery and woe. 

THE END/VFD AND SCHISM: I HATE THIS EPISODE SO FREAKING MUCH. Well, the Island parts (lol the red herring of Beatrice II being Sunny just by wanting to be call by her last name). They cut characters stuff with Friday (and her mother), the mutiny (that was the best part!!!)...almost all the stuff that made The End good! Also, wtf was with the BS of Ishmael making VFD? Like, I like how he was the Principal, that I can accept. But I got the impression, and it was actually implied, it been around for a long time before Ishmael was even born. He made it sound like a book club for the prestigious good people that are rich and bored. Newsflash Netflix: IT’S NOT.  Kit flat out mentions that the schism started when she was four, and it only got worse when her generation came. In fact, the schism only got worse when Olaf went after Lemony, making it the schism everyone knows today. The way the show paints it...it’s the pettiness form of petty and revenge and actually revenge I would like normally but I hate it in the context. I have more, but I’m be making a post about it...a (crack-ish/shitpost comparison of sorts you will of sorts. All I can say is the the White Face women are younger than they look or lost their family and sister in a fire while in their 20′s or 30′s (Ishmael and the Man with Beard but no Hair and Woman with hair but no Beard and Co -> Lemony and Co aka Schism start at teenage/young adult years -> Baudelaires and Co).

Honestly the good stuff was Sunny thinking of pushing Olaf overboard, and the whole thing leading up to Olaf and Kit’s death I cried so much.

Chapter 14: Okay, I’m a sucker for a happy ending after so much crap happened. Lemony and Beatrice II found family again (if for a short time), Fiona and Fernald got a Pushing Daisies ending when Captain Widdershins shows up (referring to Emerson Cod’s reunion with his daughter), Quigley reuniting with his stock footage siblings + Hector, the Troupe having a happy ending fulling their dream, and IDV maybe making it to the the islanders in time. Do I admit that the whole point of their ‘last appearance’ with the Great Unknown (or IDV just disappearing) is to give a message that you can’t always know what happens and mysteries are still out there (imo). Yes, but again, I’m a sucker for happy endings, so I’m fine either way. Also, in Season One there was a narration of Lemony with a very tiny Self Sustaining ship in the BG. Since we know Lemony is actually narrating from the future...it’s a given the Quagmire and Hector would survive. It’s a blink and you miss, but it’s there. So yeah, while everything else could be chalk up as a fake happy ending imagine by Lemony and/or Beatrice II, the Quagmire Triplets and Hector were given a happy fate from the start! Okay, I guess they still need to come down at some point but...

I would watch the PP episodes, but never the End unless I want to make myself angry.

[xfirespritex]

The Road Less Traveled

Prompt: Hello! I have a request hopefully it’s not a rambling mess. Y/N and Tommaso Ciampa have a love hate relationship. They are forced to ride together and get snowed in at the hotel. Sharing a room/Bed confessions of feeling all the hits! As smutty as you are comfortable with.

Requested by @sonjashuterbugjohnson

–

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@wweburnitdown

Walking outside of the NXT house show I looked around. Everyone was putting their bags into the rental cars to head to the next part of the tour. Leaving Charlotte tonight and heading back towards Florida but not quite our home turf the drive was long enough to need a few people to drive. However, my riding buddies were nowhere to be found. Frowning I grabbed my phone and called Peyton.

“Where are you guys?” I asked.

“Y/N! Did Carrano not tell you?”

“Tell me what?”

“He had us leave early, he wanted us to head out with Bianca, we’re going to do a special event tomorrow at a women’s shelter.”

“What? Did you tell him we were riding together?”

“Yeah, he said he’d make other travel arrangements for you! We’re so sorry girl…” Peyton said and I could hear the sincerity in his voice.

I sighed. “Okay, I’ll find him. Thanks.”

We hung up and I turned back to the building, heading inside to track down the head of talent. Luckily he found me a minute later in the hallway outside of catering.

“Y/N! Just who I was going to find,” he said, smiling brightly.

“Yeah, I just talked to Peyton, she said you’d get me a new driving partner for tonight?”

“Yeah, I sent them ahead to the event, there’s a storm coming and I wanted them to get out ahead of it. I would’ve had you go too but your match was already set on the card, I couldn’t change it.”

“I get it. Is the storm going to be that bad?”

“Yeah, so I would suggest, for safety, that if you need to pull over tonight, do it, okay? That’s an order, safety first.”

I smiled at Mark. Despite being a big boss he did give a crap about all of us. “Will do. Is my driving partner going to be as easy to convince?”

“Knowing him, probably not.”

“Him? Him who?”

“Him, me.”

I felt my eyes widen slightly before I turned to see one person I really wished wasn’t actually standing there.

“Tommaso.”

“Y/N.”

“Look, I know this isn’t ideal but a lot of other cars were full and since you both are professionals I figured you could do me this favor and ride together for one night, okay?”

I sighed. Not ideal was an understatement. Ever since Tommaso and Johnny stopped being a team Tommaso’s real friendship had suffered. It was storyline, we all knew it but sometimes things took an effect on the personal life too.

Tommaso’s inability to ride with and spend time with his normal group of friends due to the on-screen turn had definitely taken its toll. There had been a time where I’d have counted Tommaso as a friend but just as our friendship began it fizzled out quickly.

I had always felt like he was mad at me, that he felt I chose Johnny over him somehow. Truth is, I had never made a choice, it came down to the fact that Johnny tried harder to keep our friendship than Tommaso had. I’d felt hurt when Tommaso stopped messaging me back but I’d let it go, chalking up my feelings to my general need to please everyone and disliking when things went socially sideways.

“Everything going to be okay here?” Mark asked.

“Yeah, we’re adults,” I replied.

“Great, thanks you two. And remember, if the storm gets bad, just get a hotel and expense it, okay?”

We nodded and Mark walked off, already on a call. I sighed and looked at Tommaso.

“Come on, let’s get going.”

I nodded and, tugging my bag along, followed after him. Tommaso lead the way to a SUV and he opened the trunk, turning and grabbing my bag from me.

“Thanks,” I said, my voice quiet. It was sinking in just how awkward this entire ride would be.

He nodded but kept his mouth shut as he walked around to the driver’s seat I got in the passenger side and settled in.

Tommaso turned on the GPS, set the radio volume to low and put the car in drive.

“Let me know when you want me to take over,” I said, quiet but loud enough that he could hear. Tommaso nodded once but again, was silent.

I sighed and leaned my head against the window, watching the city fade to the highway and then the scenery passed by. I saw the snow flurries begin to fall, we were a few hours or so into the drive as we drove directly towards the storm.

Luckily between the storm and the late hour there weren’t many cars on the highway so at least we weren’t battling traffic on top of it all.

“That looks like fun,” I said as I sat up in my seat, leaning towards the windshield, my eyes tracking the sky.

“Yeah, it’s gonna be,” Tommaso said. He continued to drive, not seemingly worried about the clouds ahead or the snow falling around us.

Pulling up the weather on my phone I sighed as I saw the radar for the storm. “We’re heading right into the eye of it.”

“Figures.”

“You heard what Carrano said, if it gets bad, we get a hotel.”

“Looks like it’s gonna be that way,” he said, eyeing the clouds. “But if you’re up for it I’d like to try and get a little closer to our destination so we don’t have to drive so far in the morning.”

“Up to you since you’re the one in the driver’s seat.”

“Maybe another hour, can you start looking for hotels?”

“Sure.”

Sitting back in my seat I looked up four hotels along the route. I called each, in order of their closeness to us and struck out on the first three. On the fourth they said they had one room left.

“We’ll take it.”

“We? Miss, it’s a single bed, is that going to be a problem?”

Pulling the phone away from my mouth I looked at Tommaso. “One vacancy. One bed.”

Tommaso groaned but shrugged as he turned the wipers speed up.

“We’ll take it,” I said into the phone.

I gave her my credit card info over the phone and sighed, hanging up as I sat back in my seat.

“We got the room?”

“Yeah,” I said.

“What exit?”

“Two more, take a right once off the highway, should be half a mile from there.”

Tommaso followed my directions without further comment and soon enough we were at the hotel. He pulled up to the front of the hotel and looked out through the windshield before he popped the trunk. We both climbed out and quickly moved to the trunk, gathered our bags and dragged them under the safety of the hotel awning. I laughed at the chaotic scramble and Tommaso offered me a rare smile which made my heart skip before he ran back out into the snow and into the car once more to go park it. I walked into the hotel front desk, hauling both of our bags, and gave my name.

The woman smiled kindly at me. “Sorry you got stuck in this weather dear, I’m glad we had one room left for you.”

I smiled back at her, her name tag glinting in the light. “Thanks, Susan. We’re glad too. One bed isn’t ideal but we’re happy to just not be driving in the storm.”

“And where is your friend?” she asked as she handed over the two room keys.

“Parking the car,” I said as I pocketed one key.

She cleared her throat and winked at me. “You sure one bed is the worst thing to happen to you, dear?”

I turned and saw Tommaso walking in, shaking off his hood which was already covered in snow. His hoodie was damp and soaked to his skin and his jeans darker in color and clinging to his thighs as well. I felt my face flush instantly and offered her a quiet thank you before wheeling our bags over to the elevators where Tommaso fell into step with me and took the room key I held out to him.

“I could’ve parked the car,” I said, my voice quiet.

“Wouldn’t make me much of a gentleman,” he said as we stepped onto the elevator and the doors shut.

I bit my lower lip as we traveled up to the third floor and we walked off quickly, headed to room 312 where all I needed was a warm shower and sleep.

Tommaso opened the door and we stepped inside. I pushed my suitcase against the far wall and walked over to the large window, looking out at the snow falling outside.

“Being inside and watching a storm isn’t so bad,” Tommaso said as he came to stand next to me. He’d kicked his shoes off near the door and he was tugging on the soaked fabric of his shirt.

“You probably want to shower and get warm,” I said.

He nodded, taking his eyes off the storm and looking at me. “Yeah, that’s a good idea. Do you need the bathroom first?”

“No, I can wait. Just try to leave some hot water?”

Tommaso nodded and headed off to the bathroom and my eyes caught the outline of his back muscles beneath the fabric. Biting my lower lip I was grateful when he closed the bathroom door.

Letting out a sigh I kicked my shoes off and dug in my bag for my toiletries and a set of pajamas. Sitting on one of the chairs by the window I stared out at the storm as I checked my phone. I had a text from Billie Kay.

Billie: So who did you get stuck with? I feel so bad…

Y/N: Tommaso.

Billie: What?! I bet that was an awkward ride.

Y/N: It’s gonna be an even more awkward night. We had to pull over, storm got so bad. We’re stuck sharing a hotel room and there’s only one bed. No other places had vacancies.

Billie: I’d say I feel bad for you but I don’t.

Y/N: Why not?

Billie: Look, we all know Tommaso isn’t actually a bad guy. And we all know you had a teeny tiny crush on him when you first met. And the guy is good looking. So…nope, don’t feel bad for you.

Y/N: It’s not like he knows about the crush. Or would be interested in me. And yeah, he’s not a bad guy but sharing a car is different than sharing a bed.

Billie: I’m sure it’ll be fine.

Y/N: Hope so.

Billie: Let me know when you two are on the road in the morning, okay?

Y/N: Will do.

I heard the bathroom door open and turned to see Tommaso walk out in a pair of pajama bottoms and no shirt.

“I promise I left you some hot water,” he said, a small teasing smile on his face.

“Good, otherwise you’d be paying for it,” I said, my voice falsely threatening.

He laughed loudly at that as I stood and walked towards the bathroom door. Quick as lightening Tommaso’s hand shot out and grabbed my arm, firm but without any pain.

“How do you think you’d make me pay for it, little girl?” he said, his voice low, also falsely threatening. I felt my throat go dry and my heart race at this touch and his words. Certain he didn’t know what effect that would have on me I plastered on a snarky smirk.

“Oh, you never know, I might be little but I’ve got a lot of evil things in my head,” I said, meeting his eyes. He laughed and released his grip on my arm. I laughed too and scurried into the bathroom, letting out a breath of air as the door locked.

Quickly I turned the water on and set my toiletries down on the edge of the tub, my clothes going on the closed toilet lid so I could lead on the counter by the sink and look into the mirror. My face was flushed and I had to hope it hadn’t been that color just now with Tommaso. Sighing I peeled my clothes of quickly and stepped under the hot stream of water, letting the warmth of it soothe my nerves.

Billie reminding me of the small crush I’d had years ago hadn’t helped my mentality about sharing a bed with the man in the other room. Showering quickly I turned the water off and dried myself off before tugging on my clothes. I ran a brush through my hair and took a breath before walking out of the bathroom and into the hotel room. Tommaso was sitting in the seat opposite the one I’d been in, also watching the storm outside.

Walking across the room I sat in the chair I’d been in and tucked my feet up underneath me, my eyes on the storm. We sat in comfortable silence, each of us enjoying the view and relative silence.

I could feel my eyelids getting heavy and soon I was asleep in the chair. What I didn’t expect was to be woken up by the feeling of floating.

Opening my eyes sleepily I looked up at Tommaso and grumbled sleepily at him.

“It’s okay, just getting you to bed, you’d get a sore everything sleeping like you were for too long,” he said as he gently lowered me to the bed. Tugging the covers down from underneath me Tommaso quickly covered me with them before going over and turning the room light off.

I heard him let out a sigh and I opened my eyes fully to look at him.

“Something wrong?” I asked, turning on my side to face him as he got into the bed on his side.

“No, nothing wrong.”

“You sure?” I asked.

I heard him let out a chuckle. “Trust me, it’s not something we need to discuss at nearly two in the morning when you’re clearly exhausted.”

“I don’t know how you’re not more exhausted, you drove the whole way so far.”

“It’s alright, you get to drive in the morning,” he said and I caught a glimpse of his smile in the dark room.

“We left the curtains open,” I said.

“Do you want them shut?” he asked. I could feel him shift, as if he was going to get out of the bed.

“I’m closer, I can get it Tommaso.”

He stopped moving and I took that as agreement and I turned to slide out of bed. Again his hand found my arm but it was gentle, his grip tentative.

“Or, we could leave it open and watch the storm as we fall asleep.”

“Will it help you sleep if we leave it open?” I asked, turning to look at him.

“It’ll give me something to focus on.”

“Why do you need something to focus on?” I asked, shifting my weight so I was facing him fully, sitting up.

Tommaso leaned up on one arm and looked up at me. My eyes had adjusted to the dimness of the room and despite the clouds and snow outside the moon offered some light. I watched as he looked at his hands as he chose his words carefully.

“I need a distraction.”

“Trouble sleeping?” I asked.

“Sometimes.”

“Is there anything I can do?” I asked, sliding down to lay beside him, mimicking his position.

He watched me closely, waiting to see if I’d move again or retract the offer. When I didn’t he sighed.

“I don’t want to keep you up all night,” he said.

“What’s keeping you up all night?”

He shrugged. “Nothing I can’t handle, but I don’t want to talk your ear off all night. We’ve got to travel in the morning.”

I could tell he was holding back, both uncertain of whether he wanted to share and whether I wanted to hear it.

“Tommaso…” I started. When his eyes met mine I bit my lower lip and picked my words before opening my mouth again. “You can talk to me you know. I know we weren’t super close and I know things got a little weird but…if I didn’t like you enough to talk to you I wouldn’t have driven with you.”

He cracked a small smile. “Yeah?”

“Yeah,” I said, laughing a bit. “What? You think I took the storyline seriously? We all know it’s shitty when you’re the one who has to cut ties for kayfabe. Doesn’t mean I don’t like you or took it personally. I mean, did it suck not having you around? Yeah. But we all get it.”

He shifted slightly before looking at me. “That was the worst part, I know I didn’t really lose friends, and I know the storyline will help me and Johnny so much but right now…yeah it sucks. Feel kind of cut off from everyone.”

“Well I don’t think you get to say that about tonight since we’re sharing a bed,” I teased.

He laughed. “Yeah, that’s true.” He opened his mouth to say something else but stopped himself.

“What is it?” I asked.

“Nothing, trust me, not important,” he said.

“You sure?” I asked.

“Yeah. Maybe we should…try sleeping.”

I nodded and leaned over, kissing him on the cheek. “Night Tommaso.”

I turned back to the window, my back to Tommaso, and burrowed a bit further under the covers to hopefully hide the blush in my cheeks. “Don’t know how you’re going to see through me though,” I said, turning slightly to look at him.

Tommaso shifted closer to me, his head propped up on his arm so he was above me slightly and could see over me to the window.

“You’ll hurt your arm like that,” I said, shifting to lay on my back so I could see him better, my leg brushing his as I moved. The warmth coming off of him was so inviting and it took everything in me to not shift closer.

“Well, short of spooning you, this is the best option I’ve got to see the storm.”

“You really need that to sleep?” I asked.

“Like I said, distraction.”

“So our options are spooning so we can both watch the storm or talking until we have no voice and get no sleep?”

Tommaso laughed. “I never promised to be an easy sleeping partner.”

“I’m sure you’re fine when you’re less wound up.”

“Who says I’m wound up?”

“You do,” I said, laughing. “You need a distraction to sleep so there is something on your mind but you don’t want to share. And even though you were never touchy feely you’ve kept a certain distance between us since we were told to ride together. I’m surprised you’re not sleeping on the floor to stay away from me.”

He let out a breath of air and fell onto his back, his hands covering his face as he groaned.

“Seriously Tommaso, tell me, what’s bugging you?”

I moved to lay on my side facing him and watched as his chest rose and fell with a few deep breaths. When his hands moved from his face I leaned closer to him, letting him know that I wasn’t going to let it go. His bright blue eyes locked on mine for a few moments but then his eyes drifted over the features of my face and I did my best to control my own reaction to his scrutiny.

“You sure you want to know?” he asked.

“I wouldn’t be insisting on it unless I wanted to know. Come on, get it off your chest and then we can watch the storm and go to sleep.”

Tommaso sat up and looked at me so I mimicked him again and sat up.

“Seriously, we’re not best friends but I give a shit about you, you can tell me Tommaso. I won’t tell anyone if that’s what you’re worried about.”

“No, not worried about that. Just worried about how you’ll react.”

“Why?” I asked.

“You don’t see it, do you?”

“See what?”

“How fucking beautiful you are.”

My heart skipped a beat.

“What?” I said, my voice cracking slightly.

He laughed once, lightly. “You seriously have no idea what it’s like for me, do you? To be told by Carrano that I’m going to be riding with you? To be told that I’m lucky enough to get time with you again and then to be too fucking dumb to say anything so we were quiet most of the time? To get to see your beautiful fucking smile, hear you laugh again and I’m too clammed up to do anything? To know we’re going to have to share a room, share a bed, and not know how the fuck to get through it?”

“Tommaso, I…”

“You don’t get what I’m saying. I know. Because how could you? I’ve hidden everything for so long. Yeah, I miss my friends and I miss seeing everyone but you know what killed me almost as much as not riding with Johnny?”

I shook my head no.

“Not seeing you as much. I practically lived for those weeknight dinners at everyone’s houses cause I knew you’d be there. And you’d always make food that you wanted to be sure everyone would like and when we were at your place you always had my favorite beer for me and made sure I was having fun. You never let me off easy, you always made sure I was having a good time. I missed that, I missed you.”

“I missed you too, Tommaso,” I said, my voice quiet.

“Yeah but not for the same reasons.”

“And what reasons are those?” I challenged.

He shook his head, laughing slightly. “I missed you because I wanted to be with you. And then the storyline happened and everything changed and I didn’t get to see you. Then like a fucking miracle you’re stuck riding with me and like a fucking nightmare I can’t even string together enough words to talk like we used to and it was driving me crazy the whole drive. And when I carried you to bed all I could think about is how I’ve wanted to do that so many other times but to my bed…and I wanted so badly to just wrap my arms around you and watch the storm but I can’t even do that because I don’t want to scare you off. I don’t want to press my luck because even though it’s only been a few hours I feel so much better just being around you again. And I’m fucking rambling and not making any sense.”

“The only thing that isn’t making sense is the tense you’re using.”

“What?” he asked.

“You said wanted to be with me, past tense. So if it’s the past then all of this shouldn’t be bothering you. If…if it’s still bothering you is it still something you want?”

Tommaso stared at me like he couldn’t process what I was saying. “What?”

“Do you…” I started. I stopped and looked at him, reaching a hand out to rest on his arm. “Do you still feel that way about me?”

“That doesn’t just go away,” he said, his voice quiet, low.

“Then we missed each other for the same reasons,” I said, my voice just as quiet. His eyes snapped up to mine just as lightening filled the room and I saw a disbelieving smile on his face.

“Are you serious?” he asked.

“Why would I joke about that? You think you were the only one living for those dinners and times together? God, everyone knew I had a crush on you and wouldn’t stop teasing me about it.”

“That’s news to me,” he said, his hand slowly coming to mine and taking it gently.

“Well, I wasn’t prepared to tell you and then everything got fucked up and now…”

“And now we’re sitting a hotel room confessing our feelings for each other at two thirty in the morning and there are much better things I can think of doing with you in a bed at this time of night.”

I felt a smile turn up my lips and I shifted closer to him, putting my face inches from his.

“What would that be?” I asked, quirking an eyebrow at him.

He smirked and the hand that held mine came up to bury itself in my hair, pulling me closer to him, our lips brushing as he spoke.

“I could kiss you until the sun comes up, kiss every fucking inch of you,” he said, his eyes locked on mine. I sighed at the thought and he smile grew before he shifted, his lips brushing my jaw line as they traveled to my ear. “Or I could hold you in my arms and watch that storm outside, feel you relax in my arms and watch as you fall asleep, knowing that you’re mine, I could finally relax for the first time in so long knowing that one thing is right in my life.” I smiled and ducked my head, letting it rest on his shoulder. He chuckled at that and wrapped his arms around me, pulling me into his lap.

I squealed at the sudden movement but the sound died in my throat as I felt his length brush against my thigh as he settled me on his lap.

“Or,” I whispered, bringing my lips to his ear.

“Or?” he said, waiting for me to speak.

“Or you could make love to me until we both fall asleep, completely fucking exhausted and unwilling to move when our alarms go off.”

His hands came down to my lower back and he rolled us so my back was on the mattress and he was lying between my legs, his chest to mine and his our eyes locked on each other.

“That’s the best idea I’ve ever heard,” he whispered.

I giggled but the sound was cut off as his lips finally found mine. I whimpered into the kiss and wrapped my arms around his neck, shivering as he leaned into me further and his hand slid just up under the hem of my t-shirt.

As the kiss deepened I could feel the excitement pooling between my thighs and I groaned as his hips ground against mine.

“Tommaso,” I gasped as the kiss broke and his lips found my neck. I shivered against the feeling of his facial hair on my skin and the warmth of his hands on my torso as he pushed my shirt up slightly. Running my hands down his chest, grateful that he’d never even bothered with putting a shirt on I felt pride rush through me as he shook at my touch.

He grinned at me but it turned slightly devious as he lowered his lips to my skin. I whimpered as he kissed along the skin of my neck and collar bone and giggled when he grumbled at the fabric blocking his path.

He slid his hands up higher over my ribs and his eyes found mine, asking permission. I nodded and he pushed my shirt up and off of me as I sat up slightly to make it easier and his lips immediately found my skin again.

I whimpered as his mouth trailed a path of fire over my skin, my self-consciousness erased as his lips found my breasts and closed around one nipple, making me keen and whine at the sensation of his teeth and tongue.

I felt him smile against my skin and was about to protest but one hand trailed down over my stomach to the edge of my pajama bottoms. His eyes met mine again for permission and I nodded again, unable to form words and his smile grew as his hand dipped beneath the waistband of my pants, his fingertips tracing over the soft fabric of my panties.

As his fingers traveled lower I felt him intake a breath and he shifted up to meet my eyes with his.

“So wet already? You’re soaked,” he grumbled, his lips finding my skin before nibbling at my ear.

I gasped and looked up at him, my body shivering under his touch. He looked down at me and the lust in his eyes only made me clench my thighs together more.

“I can’t wait to taste you,” he grumbled.

I whimpered but pushed against his chest, making him lean back on his side.  He watched me as I moved, leaning forward so I could kiss along his collar bones and neck, my own hand sliding over his torso to his pajama bottoms. I caught his eyes and he nodded quickly. I slipped my hand under the waistband and bit my lower lip as I gripped his length carefully, stroking him slowly.

“Shit,” Tommaso mumbled as he leaned back on both arms, closing his eyes for a moment.

“What?” I whispered, slowing my movements.

“I better not be dreaming,” he sighed, his eyes going over my face to the rest of my body and then back again.

“Dream about me a lot Tommaso?” I said, smirking.

“Every fucking night,” he said before catching me in a kiss. I sighed into it and Tommaso took the chance to roll me onto my back again. His hands gripped my waistband and tugged both my pajamas and panties down and I kicked them down the rest of the way.

Immediately Tommaso moved again, kissing down my body until his head was just above my belly button and he looked up at me, smiling as one hand came up to slide along my folds. I shivered but kept my eyes on him as he lowered his mouth to me.

I bit my lip to keep from screaming out as he tortured me slowly, every kiss and lick driving me quickly towards orgasm. I whimpered out his name, trying to get his attention and he pulled his head back to look at me.

“Please,” I gasped out, reaching for him.

“What do you want?” he asked, his voice deep.

“You, please, I don’t want to wait.”

He smiled more and stood briefly to push his own bottoms off before laying across me and lining himself up at my entrance.

“Y/N,” he whispered, putting his forehead on mine.

“Tommaso?” I whispered. His eyes met mine and he held me to him tightly.

“You’re sure?”

I nodded and grabbed him to me, kissing him deeply. Understanding that it was my answer Tommaso pressed into me slowly and I gasped, breaking the kiss as he stretched me, filling me.

“You okay?” he asked, his voice tight with restraint but full of concern.

I nodded. “God yes,” I whispered as the burn of pain started to fade. He chuckled slightly and began to thrust slowly, a low groan escaping him as I wrapped my legs around his waist. I sighed with every thrust and Tommaso kept a steady, even pace, both amazing and maddening at how slow and gentle it was.

“I’m not going to break,” I whispered.

He laughed and kissed me deeply, his teeth nibbling on my lower lip as the kiss broke. “Trust me, this is for my benefit,” he said as he rolled his hips a little harder into me and I let out a whine.

Soon I felt my own body begin to coil, my release coming on quickly and I gripped his shoulders tightly, his name leaving my lips constantly and when my orgasm finally hit my back arched sharply off the bed, pressing us together tightly. Tommaso wrapped his arm around me, holding my body to his as he thrust a few final times before his own release hit and he emptied himself into me, a quiet groan leaving him as his body stilled.

When he rolled off of me moments later I immediately rolled into his side, my head on his chest. Tommaso kissed the top of my head and wrapped his arms around me, holding me to him as his fingers played over my skin.

“You know what this means, right?” I whispered once I had my breath back.

“What?” he asked.

“You’re not riding alone anymore.”

Tommaso smiled and kissed me sweetly before pulling the blankets up over us. As I turned on my side to face the window I watched the snow falling outside and smiled as Tommaso wrapped himself around me, his arm securely around my waist.

“See, now we can cuddle and watch the snow together,” he said.

I smiled and shifted closer to him, the warmth of his body a comfort as the snow outside continued to fall. I knew tomorrow driving would be difficult but at least neither of us would be doing it alone. With that thought in my head I drifted off to sleep.

[jaelyn96]

“Fallen” is probably the weakest episode of Chicago P.D.’s fifth season while “Care Under Fire” is certainly the strongest. The show’s new approach to dealing with real world issues falls somewhat flat in “Fallen”, as the full extent of what is really happening is only revealed in the last ten minutes. Also, the character-centric aspect is almost an afterthought, as the episode barely reveals any new information about Upton. “Care Under Fire” is essentially the complete opposite, with the series diving further into Halstead and his past trauma. Prior to this episode, we knew very little about his time overseas, but Jesse Lee Stoffer gives another outstanding performance. It feels slightly weird to review these two episodes together, just due to the difference in storytelling, acting, and writing. It’s almost as if these are two different shows rather than consecutive episodes. So let’s dive in and get started. The case of the week is pretty basic stuff in “Fallen.” Quinton Kane is suspected of killing a family of three, but Intelligence can’t definitively connect Kane to the crime. Then when Sergeant Sean McGrady, who was assisting Intelligence with the triple homicide, also ends up dead, Kane is once again a key suspect. Despite Kane appearing to having a credible alibi, his blood was found on McGrady’s gun. Fast forward through some good old fashioned police work and an intense standoff, and the bad guy is finally arrested. Case closed. Let’s go get drinks at Molly’s, right? Not quite. While the Chicago Police Department was having a hard time making an case stick against Kane, he was arrested a few months prior for an alleged DUI, so his blood was in evidence, yet one of the vials is conveniently missing. As we previously learned, McGrady was a constant gambler and even stole money from a charity. As Alderman Ray Price posits McGrady knew he was about to be exposed, so he frames Kane for his own suicide, allowing McGrady to go out a hero and his family to collect his pension. And Kane’s alibi? Well, the surveillance video has magically disappeared. So what exactly is the lesson here? It looks like Chicago P.D. tries to address the concept of whether the ends ultimately justify the means. In this case, it is ethical to frame a known murderer for a crime he didn’t commit. While the series poses a good question, it fails in its execution as the big reveal of McGrady committing suicide and framing Kane is only discovered in the final minutes. The audience doesn’t really have time to dissect the issue as they’re too busy recovering from the whiplash. It’s a shame because this would have been a strong problem to tackle if done correctly, but the end result is just a mess. I was really looking forward to this episode and learning more about Upton, but all that was really revealed was an ambiguous past with McGrady. We learned pretty early in the episode Upton previously worked with McGrady, but there was some sort of underlying tension between the two of them that was never really clarified. There duo apparently had some undisclosed differences in the past, with Upton telling Halstead McGrady was always looking for some sort of angle. After some initial awkwardness along with Halstead being a third wheel, Upton and McGrady were supposed to meet up later to talk about the case. However, things take a sharp right turn when McGrady ends up dead, allegedly having been killed by Kane, with Upton getting chewed out by Voight and others for not being with McGrady when he was shot. It’s not until the truth about McGrady’s suicide comes to light, or rather Voight’s attention, that he apologizes to Upton, explaining the two of them need to get on the same page: they either disclose it or take it to the grave. Upton, understandably, is having a hard time burying this as everyone will remember McGrady as a hero when he reportedly gambled away his savings, cheated on his wife, and tried to sabotage her career. Now would be the time to raise your hand if you’re as confused as I was. Where did those last two allegations come from? There had been no mention of McGrady’s infidelity or sabotaging Upton’s career until that point. Was there some scene that was cut or a reference I didn’t get alluding to those actions? The only thing that seems to make sense, and I may be way off, is that Upton was the one having an affair with McGrady, and it ended badly, thus explaining why she was constantly passed over for promotions. Of course, if this is the case, then there was barely enough information given to viewers to allow them to infer this. We barely know Upton any better or how she got her detective shield. All we know is she had a difficult relationship, either personal or professional, with McGrady, and that’s about it. If this episode was supposed to make me care for Upton, then it failed miserably as my feelings for her haven’t really changed. And then we get to Voight and Price, who after the events of “Reform” appeared to have reached an understanding. The pair even seemed somewhat friendly in their initial interactions in “Fallen.” However, things hit the fan when Voight finds out Price has been communicating with Kane. Price had reached out to some of Kane’s associates, trying to get Kane to surrender peacefully. Voight, being his usual cheery explosive self, doesn’t react well to this, reminding Price this is a police operation and Kane will be taken down their way. Yet Price has to remind Voight that Kane, who claims he’s innocent, won’t come in “their way,” as Kane could end up dead just from blinking the wrong way. From what I’ve seen I’m really enjoying the character of Price. Not only is Wendell Pierce perfectly cast, but Price is already a highly-developed character after only appearing in two episodes. He generally does care for the residents in his ward, but he also has a political agenda. As we see by the end of the episode, Price correctly theorizes that Kane was framed but agrees to keep silent. Granted, the prospect of another “banger” taking Kane’s place who will understand the wisdom of “investing” in Price’s ward is a plus, but the fact that Voight now owes him takes the cake. The dynamic between Price and Voight has been fun to watch because they it’s a game of give and take. While they have separate agendas, both see the benefit of helping, or not standing in the other’s way, from time to time. Neither one of them can be considered truly moral characters, but they do have good intentions. I’ve enjoyed this dynamic much more than the constant back and forth between Voight and Woods, which always ends with them at each other’s throats. Voight and Price are sometimes on the same side and other times on different ones; it’s never the same or predictable, which makes it interesting to watch. Speaking of Woods, we had the “big” reveal with him and Ruzek reveal at the end. I use quotations because it just felt expected and out of nowhere, if that makes any sense. After the red herring of Antonio potentially working with Woods, I assumed the show would try to get someone from Intelligence to turn on Voight, but it just felt like lazy writing with the Ruzek reveal. We saw that Ruzek was dodging phone calls from an alleged one night stand named Mia, but then all of a sudden it’s revealed that Ruzek has been dodging Woods’ calls. It turns out that Ruzek’s sister got arrested for an alleged DUI with his nephew in the backseat, and Ruzek tried to cover it up, except the audience never saw Ruzek try to make his sister’s arrest go away or even knew he had a sister to begin with. However, apparently Woods somehow found out and is now blackmailing Ruzek to spy on Voight and Intelligence. It doesn’t surprise me that Woods would force Ruzek to give him intel or that Ruzek covered it up. What really bothers me is that this came out of nowhere. There was no build up or payoff; it just felt like it was added in after the writers realized they needed someone to be a mole for Woods. I understand that Ruzek is in a tough spot, and he doesn’t want to betray Voight or Intelligence but feels like there is no other choice. It’s just that his sister and nephew and this coverup conjured out of the blue. It would have made more sense for Woods to somehow have gotten the video recording of Ruzek from the season premiere and threatened to hold that over his head. The video may not have had serious consequences, but if it was released to the public, I imagine it could be another public relations nightmare. Woods could have threatened to make an example out of Ruzek and fire or suspend him to appease the public. That may have been a slight stretch, but it would have made more sense than this nonsense. I’m assuming we’re supposed to suspend our disbelief, but I’m having a hard time as it just seems like poor writing. I mean was it ever mentioned Ruzek even had a sister to begin with? And this awfully executed storyline continues in “Care Under Fire.” The episode opens with Ruzek’s very real sister and nephew, but we barely spend any time with them, making it hard to connect with these characters. Sure, Ruzek is stuck between a rock and a hard place, having to decide whether to spy on Intelligence or risk ending his career, but he can’t play both sides forever. He claims he didn’t have an opportunity to plant the bug but copied a video of Halstead punching a civilian. Ruzek thinks this will be enough to satisfy Woods, and then he’ll be free and clear. He can go back to work like nothing ever happened and play dumb when Voight takes some heat for Halstead’s actions. If only it were that simple. Woods isn’t going to let Ruzek off the hook for a single video file; he’s going to keep Ruzek there until he has more than enough evidence to bury Voight. Ruzek should have assumed this wouldn’t be over that easily. He should have gone to Voight in the first place and explained the situation. While Voight can be a loose cannon, we’ve seen him have his team’s back time and time again. He and Ruzek could have worked together to come up with a solution, but now it’s too late. And now we get to the good stuff, and by good stuff I mean Halstead. From the start of the episode, it’s clear something is going on with him. From sleeping at the police station, having some sort of nightmare and listening to the scanner to find some sort of high-risk situation, the alarm has been sounded; Jay Halstead is in trouble. Responding to the scene, Halstead finds himself in the middle of a possible homicide, which eventually turns out to be a botched kidnapping. A three-man crew kidnapped a boy, but his nanny got caught in crossfire and ended up dead. Thanks to one of Dawson’s confidential informants, Intelligence is able to identify one of the men as Luis Vega, but the team can’t bring Vega in on what they have and the odds of him talking aren’t great. So Halstead pitches he go undercover, and after little resistance from the team, Voight agrees to give Halstead’s idea a shot. Can someone explain to me why team thinks this is a good idea? Yes, Halstead has had success going undercover before, but something’s been off ever since “Reform,” when he inadvertently shot the little girl. The guilt over that is obviously weighing on him, but no one beside Upton seems to notice anything is wrong. While she doesn’t stop him from going undercover, she at least asks if everything’s all right, despite Halstead’s lie. Everyone seems to take Halstead at his word that he’s all right, but he really should have had to sit down with a therapist. I’m not sure if this is actual procedure, but other police dramas usually have an officer get mandatory counseling following a shooting. We’ve seen Voight in therapy this season, so why not have Halstead give it a try? Halstead, or his alter ego “Ryan,” tries to ingratiate himself into both Luis and Camila’s, by default, lives. Despite a slow start at the bar, “Ryan” eventually wins Luis over by coming to Luis’ rescue in a staged bar fight. Of course, things don’t go according to plan as “Ryan” ends up punching a civilian, yet another example of why Halstead should take some time off. The two end up bonding over their shared military experiences, and “Ryan” tries to finagle an in with Luis’ employer, claiming his job sucks. Despite Luis’ initial reluctance, he eventually comes around after he and “Ryan” spend some quality drinking and talking about death. “Ryan” ends up telling Luis about the eight-year-old girl who he unintentionally killed. Despite “Ryan” claiming this happened while he served overseas, the details surrounding the incident (i.e. the bullet hitting a combatant, then traveling through a door and going into the girl) are a clear reference to the events of “Reform.” “Ryan” talks about how he still has nightmares about it, leading viewers to wonder if that’s what Halstead’s bad dream was about at the beginning of the episode? Whether it’s Luis and “Ryan” commiserating over their time in the military or the free drugs “Ryan” gives Luis (let’s be real, it’s most likely the free opioids), Luis caves and agrees to set “Ryan” up his private security boss, allowing Intelligence to identify the two other members of the kidnapping ring. That would have been good enough for most officers, but Halstead wants to stay undercover, trying to get Luis to use him for their current job. If Halstead were in his right mind and wanted to follow through, I wouldn’t begrudge him, but he’s not exactly stable at the moment, and this is a big risk. It’s like he’s looking for dangerous situations to put himself in, like he can’t help himself. It’s very disconcerting because I’m afraid he’s only going to fall further down the rabbit hole. While the leader of the kidnapping ring doesn’t want to use “Ryan” at first, he realizes he doesn’t exactly have another option but still isn’t thrilled with the idea. “Ryan” has to twist Luis’ arm a bit but when he “finds” out the job is actually a kidnapping, “Ryan” is ready to back out. Despite Luis’ assurances that this is simple, “Ryan” pleads with Luis, trying to convince him this is anything but. “Ryan” tells Luis that they have to stop it, that he can’t carry another kid. This is especially telling just how heavily the little girl’s death from “Reform” weighs on him. We knew Halstead felt guilty, but that one line shows he holds himself entirely responsible for what happened. Even though there were circumstances out of his control and other factors involved, in his mind, he is the reason the girl died. It’s as if he just shot her point blank, and he can’t go through that again. At first, we’re not sure if “Ryan” got through to Luis, but in the end, Luis tries to do the right thing, even though he still winds up dead. Watching Halstead try to perform CPR on Luis just about broke my heart because even though Halstead was undercover, he really did connect with that guy. They had been through similar circumstances and difficulties, both having a hard time adjusting when they got back from overseas. If things had gone differently for Halstead, he may have ended up in a situation like Luis. Do I think Halstead would kidnap a child and hold him or her for ransom? No, but I do think under different circumstances, Halstead may have ended up in a bad place, getting high and performing less than admirable jobs for money. I think Halstead saw some of himself in Luis, which may explain his determination in trying to prevent Luis from going through with the kidnapping and ransom. Ever since Lindsay has been gone, Halstead has been struggling and looking for someone to connect to. He inadvertently found that with Luis and, by extension, Camila. I’m not exactly sure what to make of Camila. I thought she would just be a one-off character, but it seems like she may be sticking around, and I have mixed feelings. From the start, there was sparks between “Ryan” and Camila, although it wasn’t exactly clear if Halstead was acting or not. As we saw in this episode, he’s a smooth talker, getting out of snooping through her mail and showing up to Luis’ under the guise of meeting Camila. “Ryan” could have just played coy the entire time, flirting and being his charming self, yet he let Camila in. He told her that when he came back he spent seven months drinking, smoking, screwing, and fighting. He said that a person never really comes back all the way after being in a warzone, they just sort of fill up what’s missing with something else, like Lindsay. We’ve seen how hard Halstead has taken their breakup, but it never really occurred to me until now, just how much he relied on that relationship. Yes, he loved Lindsay, but he also needed her to fill that void. His plan to propose makes a lot more sense, as he was desperate to get her back in his life. Again, I’m not disputing that Halstead loved Lindsay, but I just never really noticed how codependent he was. And now it seems Halstead has transferred that dependency onto Camila. He bared his soul to a person he just met, revealing pieces of himself that even prompted Upton to ask if any of it was true. This is made all the more evident when “Ryan” stops by Camila’s after Luis dies and he doesn’t tell her his real name or he’s a cop or he was there when Luis dies; he just keeps on pretending to be “Ryan.” Why? Well, being “Ryan” is probably easier than being Halstead right now, but he also doesn’t want to lose his only human connection he thinks he has. I doubt Camila would be flirting or kissing him if she knew “Ryan” was an undercover police officer who was tasked with brining her brother to justice and put his life in danger. No, Halstead is in a dark place, and pretending to be “Ryan” won’t end well for him. So hit the comments below to let me know what you thought of the episodes. Are you more invested in Upton as a character? How long before Intelligence finds out what Ruzek has been up to? Just how far will Halstead fall? Comment: have we really seen the how lindsay leaving affected Halstead? Credit: spoilertv

[uraberika]

Octopuses and Broken Hearts

Title: Octopuses and Broken Hearts Characters: Urabe Rika, Ichinose Kazuya Rated: T  Genres: Angst, Humour (or at least I try) Words: 4 446 words Summary: A year after the FFI, Ichinose Kazuya returns from America for a short visit in Japan. Little had he expected a certain blue-haired girl waiting for him at the airport.  On other platforms: ff.net / ao3

Ichinose Kazuya considered himself a patient and peaceful man. He was always the one who would try to make peace between Aki and Domon when they were quarreling with each other. He was the one everyone liked and some of the reasons for it was his endless patience and perseverance. No matter how hard the task would be, he would always continue his training to achieve his goal. Also, when it came to the number of friends, Ichinose was the second one in the ranking -  right after Endou -  due to his kind and tolerant nature.

However, at this exact moment no one would have believed that since Ichinose Kazuya, the Living Statue of Peace and Tolerance was screaming at the top of his lungs in sheer fear.

‘Would you just stop, please!’ he cried as he tried to find an escape route.

It has been two days since the magician of the field has returned from America and this wasn’t exactly how he had imagined his return on the plane to Japan. The first shock was that one of his suitcases had just surprisingly gone missing, so now he had lost half of the souvenirs he had originally planned to give to his former teammates at Inazuma Town. The second surprise awaited him in the lounge of the airport in the form a blue-haired screaming teenage girl. She immediately fell on Ichinose’s neck and haven’t let go since. Well not literally, but Ichinose almost felt like suffocating so it was almost the same. Since the day of his return Rika hasn’t let go of him more than it was necessary. Which meant that Ichinose could spend a peaceful meal with his family but got accompanied by Rika to almost everywhere else than home. He was now actually heading to the riverside to play soccer with his old teammates. Which obviously included Rika, but she really shouldn’t have escorted him all the way from his house...  When he mentioned that to Rika, the girl just waved dismissively and said something along the lines of spending as much time as she can with him until he has to go back to America. And Ichinose wouldn’t have minded, really. He liked to say to himself that he actually had no problem with Rika. He actually had problem with her way of showing affection towards him. All this clinging and squealing just wasn’t his thing.  And it has been going on for days now, so Ichinose felt like he was going to die right there if Rika tried to hug him again.

‘Oh Darling, I’m so glad you’re finally back! I’ve missed you so much!’ Rika said for the fifth time today with the same enthusiasm as the previous four ones.

‘Yeah, yeah, I know, but I can’t feel my arm!’ Ichinose cried in agony as he desperately tried to peel Rika off of him. He tried to ignore the dozens of prying eyes staring at them curiously. Maybe he shouldn’t have chosen the shortest way to the riverbank, which lead through a big, crowded park, but he wanted to meet his former teammates as soon as he could, so he stuck with this route .

‘Oh sorry, Darling’ Rika said apologetically as she loosed her grasp on her loved one’s right arm. ‘I’m just so happy that I finally get to spend some time with my boyfriend,’ her smile was brighter than a car’s headlights on a dark night. And that was exactly how Ichinose felt every time he was with Rika since he arrived in Japan; like he was a deer in the headlights of a truck about to crush him. Though he didn’t fully understand why. Back when he was part of Endou’s team, Ichinose never really felt this way about her. Of course, he was annoyed by Rika’s loudness and affection-attacks but he didn’t really care back then. He just let the girl be and hoped that one day she would realise that they just weren’t meant to be.

But now - since it became clear to him that Rika won’t leave on her own -  it was more than just simple annoyance. He felt exactly like in the field, when he had to make big decisions. He wanted to close this case with Rika once and for all, but he also didn’t want to distance himself from her or hurt her feelings. Because the truth was that once he got to know Rika better, Ichinose had to realise that she wasn’t so bad at all. As he got more and more used to her voice and the way of her speaking, he discovered that Rika was smart as hell. She knew a lot about tactics and positions and the pressure of being a captain. They talked about this while he was in America, through e-mails and chats. When Ichinose had received the first message from Rika asking about his wellbeing, at first, he didn’t want to reply. But his conscience told him not to be a jerk so he answered honestly; how he was worried about not being good enough for a national team or how nervous he was at the first training. And Rika always answered wholeheartedly and kept him updated with the events in Inazuma Town. Rika (just like everyone else when talking through Internet) was much more bearable via e-mail; even amusing, Ichinose risked admitting it. So, Ichinose considered Rika his friend, but nothing more.

And it was about time that Ichinose told her. He knew that this day would come and dreaded it greatly. But he had to tell her, before he went back to America. He was just… waiting for the perfect moment. Which somehow just didn’t seem to come. Ichinose knew that he didn’t have much time left before he left Rika again and having her hopes destroyed just made his stomach clench into a tight knot. Maybe he should tell her right now?

Ichinose was so deep in thoughts that he didn’t realise that Rika had already moved on from the topic and was now talking about her latest recipe. He tensed again as Rika started to scream in a high-pitched voice.

‘What is it?’ Ichinose asked, as he tried to mask the annoyance in his voice.

‘I just remembered that I didn’t give you my present!’ Rika squealed.

‘Present?’ Ichinose asked confused.

‘Yes, I made you a welcome back present, and I wanted to give it to you, but I was so happy to have you back, Darling that I totally forgot it!’ she answered as she searched her pockets.

‘Oh, you really shouldn’t have…’ Ichinose started but got interrupted by Rika’s loud shout.

‘Got it!’ she said as she lifted a little box out of the pocket of her sweater, smiling  triumphantly. ‘Here!’ she said it as she offered the little box to him.

Ichinose took it as carefully as if he was accepting a bomb. He stared at the pink box with the blue ribbon and he felt as if the knot in his stomach had moved up to his throat. He swallowed hard, but the lump didn’t seem to move. He slowly sat down in the grass and Rika followed him, her eyes gleaming with anticipation. He carefully opened the small package and peeked inside while his conscience kept shouting “You can’t keep doing this!” in his mind. Ichinose let out a small gasp as he lifted the small gift out of the box.

“It’s a charm,” he said  in awe, as if he has never seen such an object before. He stared at it in total daze as he observed it. It was a phone charm with a small orange metal octopus on the end.

“Well, I thought that it might remind you of our first meeting…” Rika blushed a little bit as she suddenly became quieter and started fidgeting with the hem of her sweater . “You can put it on your phone or your keychain so you can always remember me when you’re in America…” she mumbled, and the end of the sentence was almost inaudible for Ichinose. He was speechless. Ichinose didn’t know what to say, though he knew that eventually he would have to say something, but he wasn’t sure he will be able to. He was in shock. He got a gift from someone! And not just from anybody! From Rika! From the girl whom he tried so desperately to avoid and get rid of! He felt guilt crawling up his throat. How could he let this happen? How couldn’t he see what was going on? Rika really liked him! Like liked liked him. Ichinose knew that she had expressed it several times before, but he never thought that it would be anything serious. It was just Rika getting overexcited about things like she always would, wasn’t she? But does Ichinose know her well enough to draw that conclusion? And more importantly: how can he reject this girl after she gave him a present?

“Do you like it?” Rika asked, with a hint of nervousness in her tone. Her voice drew Ichinose out of his thoughts. “Because you know, at first I wanted to give you a picture of us, with a handmade frame and everything, but Touko said that it is too much for a first gift, and you always look a little bit weird on our pictures - and not in the funny weird way - so I thought that this might be more  suitable and…” Rika was just babbling nonsense but she couldn’t help it. Ichinose watched in astonishment as the words rolled out of Rika’s mouth, flowing like a flooding river. How does she do that, Ichinose wondered. It’s like she doesn’t need oxygen or anything to speak.

“It’s okay,” Ichinose finally said quietly, and his voice made Rika stop immediately in mid-sentence. “I really like it.”

“You do?” Rika said, her face lighting up, and her thousand watts smile was back. “Oh, I’m so glad you like it, Darling!” she yelled in excitement and did that clingy-hugging thing. Again.

“Rika…” Ichinose groaned as he tried to catch his breath. “You’re squeezing me…”

“Yeah, right,” Rika let go of him, and Ichinose could feel his cardiovascular system working again. “Sorry.”

Ichinose looked at Rika’s happy smile and felt the guilt pressing his chest with much more force now. He should tell her. Right now. Here’s his chance. This is the worst possible moment, but it’s the only moment. After the practice, he will go and have and ice-cream with the team and after that he goes home and he can be sure that a couple of teammates will accompany him. And the next day, he’s already off, back to America so he won’t have a single minute to talk to her in private.

“Uhm… Rika… can I ask you something?” Ichinose said reluctantly as he carefully placed the charm in his pocket.

“Yes, I will gladly marry you!” Rika shouted enthusiastically.

Ichinose’s face turned red, and he started to gesticulate with his arms dismissively. “N-No, I wasn’t going to ask that! Where did that come from, Rika? I want to ask something more serious.”

“What’s more serious than marriage?” she asked part jokingly, part surprised.

“Love,” Ichinose answered staring at the grass in front of him. “Rika… do you… love me?”

“Well, of course I love you, Darling, why would you even question this?” Rika answered with puzzlement in her voice.

Ichinose sighed. Well, there’s no turning back now, so the best he could do is to continue this conversation.

‘And… how do you know you love me?’ Ichinose asked reluctantly.

‘What a silly question, Darling!’ Rika asked with a giggle. Ichinose almost failed to catch it, but he could swear that he heard some agitation in her voice. ‘Why do you ask such strange questions? Are you feeling alright?’ She asked worriedly and put a hand  on Ichinose’s forehead. ‘Hmm… you’re temperature seems normal to me…’

‘I’m fine,’ Ichinose answered with a little annoyance in his voice. ‘Just answer the question, please.’

‘Well, you simply just know it. You just feel it, here,’ she sing-sang and dramatically placed a hand on her chest.

‘Oh,’ Ichinose expected something like this from Rika. He simply sighed again. ‘Okay, then answer this: how do you know that I love you?’

Rika seemed to seriously think about the answer. ‘Well, I guess it’s the same way around. I just feel it,’ she shrugged but the motion seemed a little ragged to Ichinose.

‘Are you sure?’ Ichinose asked, raising a brow.

‘Of course I’m sure!’ she exclaimed. ‘You ate my cooking, therefore our souls have been linked. We are soulmates now, Darling, and you should know that too,’ she scoffed.

‘Oh really?’ Ichinose crossed his arms in front of his chest. ‘If we’re so soulmates then tell me what my favourite animal is,’ he said challengingly. He looked in Rika’s eyes and was shocked to see a glimpse of fear in them. What happened? Did he scare her? But Rika quickly blinked, and any sign of anxiety was gone.

‘Cats,’ she said confidently.

‘Wrong,’ Ichinose answered. ‘I’ve always been a dog person,’ he said, but he didn’t let Rika reply and asked the next question. ‘Favourite season?’

‘Spring’ Rika answered determined.

‘More like summer,’ he answered. ‘Favourite colour?’ he bombed her with another question.

‘Blue’ she answered but she seemed to lose confidence.

‘It’s green!’ Ichinose groaned in frustration. ‘You see, that’s what I’m talking about! You know nothing about me! ’

‘Tch…’ Rika scoffed but didn’t look him in the eye. ‘Who cares for such mundane things like favourite animals when we have a destiny together!’

‘Rika, you can’t just excuse everything saying that it’s destiny!’ Ichinose drew quotation marks as he spoke to emphasise his words.

‘I’m not excusing anything!’ she stomped.

‘Okay, Rika, are you, one hundred billion-million sure we are soulmates?’ Ichinose asked with seriousness in his voice.

Rika hesitated. Just for a second, but it was enough for him.

‘See?’ he pointed out.

‘Why are you so mean to me?’ Rika burst out. ‘All I did was love you, and now you’re saying that all these months, damn, these two years were for nothing?’

‘Rika, did I ever say to you that we’re dating?’ Ichinose asked slowly as he felt that his throat was getting drier and drier. He swallowed hard. This was all his fault. He let things slip out of his hands. Two years… dear God, for two whole years he had been misleading Rika without even realising it! Whenever Rika told him that she loved him or something so affectionate, he just smiled sheepishly and brushed it off. He thought she would grow it out, but oh how mistaken he was! He, of all people misread Rika so badly! She opened up to him, told him everything, and even though they only saw each other like thrice a year, he took advantage of her. Because Ichinose liked having someone waiting for  him in Japan.  The thought that he was welcomed back here gave him such reassurance. Because a year had passed, and even though they exchanged letters with Aki, he had only seen her two times out of the six times he visited Inazuma Town. And that hurt Ichinose’s feelings. The thought that Aki simply let him go, and she started a new life working as a coach, forgetting all about Ichinose, hurt him so much. Without Aki, he had no one to go home to. But Rika always waited for him at the airport (he could never get used to that, she always scared him in the first ten seconds of their meetings), and the feeling that he is loved and wanted back here made his chest warm. Ichinose just realised that he somehow liked Rika. Not in the way Rika liked him but in a different way. He saw Rika as a friend and maybe… just maybe… it felt good to come home to her.

But none of this mattered since he was too much of a coward to tell Rika that he only liked her as a friend and now everything was screwed up. He screwed it up actually, and he wished that he could just teleport out of this already embarrassing situation. But he couldn’t. It’s time to face the music, look into Rika’s eyes and tell her the truth. He reluctantly did so, only to find a wide-eyed Rika staring at him with a fearful expression.

‘What are you implying?’ her voice was higher than normal by two octaves at least.

‘What I’m saying is that we are not dating, Rika!’ Ichinose averted his gaze from her now, unable to look at her. ‘We never were. It’s just…’ Ichinose sighed and ran a hand through his hair. ‘You were so damn persistent, and I never dared to say no…’ Ichinose looked up from the grass afraid of Rika’s reaction. But Rika wasn’t facing him anymore. She turned her back to him, and Ichinose couldn’t see her expression.

‘Uhm… Rika?’ he asked and tapped the blue-haired striker on the shoulder. Rika flinched at the touch and turned her head towards Ichinose. Her eyes were full of tears. Ichinose felt like his circulation just stopped.

Before he landed in Japan, he played out a hundred scenarios in his head about how this talk would go. Each and every one of them included Rika crying in the end. But Ichinose always imagined Rika as a loud crier. He always thought she would sob uglily with trembling shoulders to the verge of suffocation. But Rika didn’t make a scene. She cried so silently that Ichinose didn’t notice it! Another thing he guessed wrong about Rika…

‘I’m sorry…’ he mumbled.

‘Yeah, this makes me feel much better now, thanks,’ Rika huffed ironically and wiped her tears away with the hem of her sweater.

‘Okay, I deserved this,’ Ichinose replied. Rika started to stare at a bench across the park with a stubborn expression on her face. She avoided Ichinose’s gaze.  They sat there like that in silence for at least five minutes when Ichinose finally dared to speak again.

‘So, you’re not gonna lash out at me?’ he asked sheepishly. He was expecting her to do that too.

Rika sighed and buried her face in her hands. ‘I guess I’m still in the state of shock. I think I could use a blanket…’ she murmured in her hands.

‘Here, have my jacket,’ Ichinose said and handed his jacket to her.

‘How chivalrous…’ Rika murmured, her voice dripping from sarcasm as she put on the jacket.

“Are you alright?” Ichinose asked with real concern in his voice.

“You just dumped me. Take a guess,’ Rika snorted.

Now it was Ichinose’s turn to bury his face in his hands.

“Why?” Rika asked suddenly. Ichinose lifted his face but still avoided Rika’s eyes.

“Because we are not compatible, Rika. We are too different. And we live on the other side of the planet, far from each other. This wouldn’t have worked in the first place. Damn, we barely even know each other!”

“No, not that,” she waved her hand dismissively. “Why have you kept leading me on? Why not just tell to my face at the beginning? Would’ve saved a lot of trouble for you…”

“I…” Ichinose scratched the back of his neck. “Honestly don’t know… I didn’t wanna lose you, I guess...”

“Ichinose Kazuya, I advise you to make up your mind and quickly,” Rika crossed her arms. “Because playing with a girl’s heart like that is simply cruel!”

“I-I didn’t mean it like that!” he answered slightly flustered. “I meant that even though I don’t like you that way, I still consider you a good friend. I was afraid of losing our friendship... Guess it doesn’t matter since I screwed up anyway.”

“Yeah, you did.” Rika answered in a cold tone. She stared far away for a minute then shook her head. “But I’m not all innocent either. I admit, I was too much at times. It’s just that…” Rika stopped in mid sentence not sure whether to continue or not.

“That?”

“I was so afraid of history.”

“Huh?” Ichinose asked absolutely confused now.

“That it’ll repeat itself,”Rika said and placed her chin in her hands and sighed. “Guess I could say I’m my mother’s daughter. Can’t even keep a guy…” she laughed bitterly. “It’s just that, y’know, I had this ideal image in my mind about love. When I was six, my mom told me about my father. However, she spoke so highly of him like he wasn’t some douchebag who left us!” Rika rolled her eyes. “She would talk about how they met, fell in love, yada-yada. I guess she needed to get this off her chest somehow. And in that exact moment I swore to myself that if I ever found this so wonderful thing called love, I wouldn’t make the same mistake my mother did. If I find love, I’ll never let it go” she sighed. “But I guess I went a little overboard with it.”

“Rika,” Ichinose placed a hand on the blue-haired forward’s shoulder and looked her in the eye. “You don’t need a love interest to live a happy life. I know that you concluded the opposite from your mother’s speech, but trust me: you can be happy without a boyfriend. But even if we put this fact aside: honestly, you’re smart and talented and an amazing player. You can find a boyfriend for each and every one of your fingers if you want to.”

“Tch… You’re the one to talk…” Rika shook her head disapprovingly but her tone seemed to be kinder now. “You know it would take you just a word, and Aki-san would gladly fall into your arms.”

“Wh-what are you even talking about?” Ichinose stammered, and his ears turned red.

“Ichinose Kazuya, don’t you dare lie to me!” Rika snapped. “You like her, don’t you?” she asked, in a much more serious tone now. “Like that,” she mocked his way of saying the word.

“Uhm… maybe? A little?” Ichinose tried.

“Then go and get her,” Rika sighed tiredly, her eyes emotionlessly scanning the landscape in front of her. “I need some time to think anyway.”

“Maybe I can help you think?” Ichinose asked sheepishly.

“Huh. You're the main reason I need time to think,” Rika said and continued to stare into the void. Ichinose didn’t move, and followed Rika’s example. However, after three minutes or so he started speaking again:

“So, what are we thinking about?”

“You, of course!” Rika rolled her eyes and chuckled but then shook her head. “Look, since you apologised I feel like I should do the same. I’m sorry for being such an annoying girlfriend, even though apparently we had never even dated.”

“It’s okay. I guess we’re even now,” Ichinose smiled slightly.

“It’s just that I’ve never been the loner type, y’know? I was always surrounded by friends. Back at my school, I had a big squad, and we were really good friends. I remember when I started to play football, the boys in my class would always call me names and make fun of me, telling me that I’ll never play as well as a boy. And then my squad stood up for me. They told the boys that football isn’t just for boys, and that they were playing football too. But of course, that was a lie. And then the boys wanted to check out our practice so we had to fake a whole football team, and that’s how everything started. But that’s another story,” Rika smiled sweetly as she recalled the memory. “But when I joined your team everything changed. There weren’t many girls to make friends with, in the first place. Natsumi was so busy and stuck-up to care about another girl joining Raimon, Haruna was too timid to initiate a friendship, and Aki seemed to avoid me on purpose - not like I would blame her!” she scoffed. “As for the team; almost all of you guys felt rather uncomfortable in my presence thanks to that small scene in Osaka. Even Endou gave me the cold shoulder! Touko specifically hated me at first, I remember. So, all I had was you, Dar… uhm… Ichinose to hang out with and discuss everything with. And that’s why I was so clingy. Because I was afraid if I lose you I won’t have anybody to talk to.”

“So,  it seems to me that you only needed a friend?” Ichinose scratched his neck, deep in thoughts.

“I guess,” Rika shrugged.

“I think I can manage that,” Ichinose smiled slightly.

“Hmm?” Rika asked.

“Being your friend” he grinned.

Rika’s eyes widened at this statement. “I… I think I can manage that too,” she replied finally with a hint of suspicion in her voice.

“How about we start all over?” Ichinose suggested.

“I like the sound of that,” Rika agreed.

“Ichinose Kazuya, the magician of the field,” Ichinose suddenly said and stuck out his hand. “Nice to meet ya!”

“Urabe Rika, the greatest chef and forward in all Osaka,” Rika seconded and shook his hand. “The pleasure’s mine!”

“Now that we’ve properly introduced ourselves, may I invite you to come and see a match of mine?” Ichinose asked with mischief in his eyes.

“Isn’t this a little bit straightforward, Ichinose-san? We’ve only just met!”Rika played along. “Well fine, I’ll join you. Only on one condition!”

“What would it be?”

“I get to play too!”

“Well of course. As you wish Rika-san!” Ichinose replied as they got up from the grass and continued their journey to the riverbank, giggling and laughing at each other.

[such-a-common-girl]

Worth It (Bucky Barnes x Reader)

Word Count: 2,412

Bucky Barnes x Reader

Summary: You and Bucky have always had an (unspoken) connection due to having similar backstories and both feeling like outsiders in the Avengers. One morning during a power outage in the tower because of a thunderstorm, you and Bucky are forced to resolve whatever’s going on between you two. Based off this request. (I changed up the request a little bit, sorry!)

Warnings: Language, mentions of kidnapping/violence/death, fluff

*overused gif not mine*

You watch him as he sleepily walks into the kitchen, your eyes glancing away from your phone and up to him as you curl up on the couch, surrounded by blankets to keep warm. It’s an extra cold day today in New York City, and with the storms rolling in, you know the weather will only continue to get worse. Another day stuck inside the tower for you. Half of the team was out on a mission today, leaving you, Bruce, Tony, and the quiet and mysterious man in the kitchen with nothing to do.  But of course, Bruce and Tony were cooped up in the labs all day, which just leaves you and him.

Bucky’s always intrigued you, ever since the moment he walked into the Avenger’s tower a few months ago. Steve told you about his backstory before he moved in with the rest of you, but instead of being afraid of him like everyone else seemingly was, you weren’t scared. At first, you pitied him, having gone through a similar situation as his. HYRDA kidnapped you as a child and trained you for years to become their own personal weapon, putting you through hell in the process. Natasha had saved you from HYDRA three years ago when you had been fighting her in one of the labs her and Steve had come to take down. You don’t exactly remember how things had gone down- there’s a lot of blank spaces in your memory from your HYDRA years- but you do know that somehow she had managed to convince you to go back to SHIELD with her. A year later, you were an Avenger, kicking the asses of the people who had ruined your life as a child.

A few weeks after Bucky moved in, you realized that he was a lot different than you had expected. He was a good man; you had already known this, but he proved it to you. He never spoke to anybody except Steve, not even you, but it’s the small gestures. The way he genuinely cares about Steve, the way he will give the missions his all, the way he bent over backward to save you from getting killed by a HYDRA agent a few weeks ago. He’s not the Winter Soldier anymore- he’s just simply Bucky Barnes to you, a man who went through a hell of a lot to get to where he is today.

Unfortunately, not everyone sees it that way. Being someone with such a difficult and murderous past, most of which you don’t remember, makes people weary of being around you. You’ve gone through the same thing every day since you’ve become an Avenger. Feeling like an outsider to the rest of the group, hell, to the rest of the world.

You know Bucky’s story and he knows yours, and even though the two of you don’t speak often due to both having quiet personas and the tendency to keep to yourselves, the both of you know there will always be an unspoken connection between the two of you.

Thunder claps outside, the sound of rain beating onto the windows falling at a steady pace. Bucky glances over to the living area and notices you sitting there, giving you a wave as a small smile plays on his lips. You smile back at him before returning your stare to your phone, continuing to scroll through your Instagram.

It’s this game you and Bucky have been playing ever since he arrived at the Avengers tower; who will approach the other first? As of now, neither of you have made the first move. It’s only been small, barely there smiles and lingering glances. The occasional, polite “excuse me” or “thank you” may have been shared a few times, but that’s about the extent of the friendship you have with him. You would hate to rush him into anything he’s not comfortable with. Besides, you’re not exactly the type of person to go up and start a conversation with someone, either.

You bite your lip as you watch him reach up in the cupboard for a bowl, his shirt coming up to reveal only the slightest amount of skin. His grey sweatpants hang low on his waist, his thighs hugging the material around them. He’s muscular, that’s for damn sure- there’s no denying that Bucky’s attractive. You’d have to be blind to not think so. 

In the midst of your admiration of Bucky, the lights start to flicker. You look over at him in confusion just as the lights go out entirely, leaving the room to only be lit up by windows. Bucky’s face drops, a look of panic settling in. It takes you a minute to figure out why, but then you remember how you were after you had been recused from HYDRA. You thought every little thing that happened was an attack, you were constantly paranoid that things would go wrong. You can only imagine what’s going through his head right now.

“It’s just a power outage.” You speak up, probably the longest sentence you’ve told Bucky since his arrival in the tower. “Don’t worry. Happens sometimes from the storms. I’m sure all of Tony’s men are working their asses off right now to get the electricity back. You know how Tony is.” 

“Oh, okay.” Bucky lets out a deep breath, a look of relief washing throughout his face. “You wanna play a card game or somethin’?”

“Really?” You ask, shocked. He’s never asked you to do anything like this with him before; actually, he’s never asked you to do anything before. It makes you happy to know that he’s finally opening up to you. Lord knows that the both of you are the loneliest people on the team; becoming closer friends would probably benefit the both of you greatly. 

Unfortunately for you, the shock must have shown on your face, because his cheeks immediately turn a light shade of pink. “Uh, sorry, we don’t have to.”

“Sure, let’s play.” You smile reassuringly at him. “It’s not like there’s anything else to do around here, right?”

“Right.” Bucky nods his head. “Well, uh… You know how to play rummy?”

“No,” You shake your head. “You can teach me if you want.”

“It’s not hard, me and Steve used to play all the time before the war,” Bucky says as he walks into the living room, his eyes glued to yours. His facial hair is starting to grow out again, and you almost sigh at how attractive he is. It’s almost unfair. 

“I kicked his ass every time.” He grins, his eyes crinkling up at the sides. You realize that this is probably the first time you’ve ever actually seen him smile. Not a fake smile- you’ve seen those several times at the press events you’re all forced to go to- but a real, genuine one. It suits him. 

“I hope you’re ready to kick mine, too, because I’m terrible at card games.” You laugh, moving over on the couch to give Bucky some room to sit next to you. He searches through the hall closet quickly before pulling out a stack of cards and joining you on the couch.

“It’s easy, watch.” He pulls the deck out of the box.

Bucky begins to explain the rules of the game, and while you’re half-way listening, you’re more focusing on Bucky himself. How passionate he seems while explaining this all to you, how for the first time since he’s joined the Avengers, he finally seems to be acting like himself. His real self. He seems so relaxed in this moment, so comfortable, and it makes you glad. You know how it feels to feel like you have no one, even with people constantly around you all the time. To see Bucky, the one man who knows exactly what you’ve been through, be able to open up and be so comfortable with someone besides Steve… It makes you happy.

You care about the man more than you let on.

“Hey Y/N?” Bucky says quietly, stopping his talk on the rules of rummy whenever he noticed that you weren’t really paying attention.

“Yeah?” You turn to face him. He has a serious look on his face as he looks at you in the eyes. A hint of sadness flashes across his face, making you worried.

“You’re different than everyone else here.” His voice comes out hushed. “I don’t know what it is. You’re nice to me, you weren’t scared of me. Everyone else saw me as a monster and all you ever did was smile at me. Everyone else here avoids me like the plague but you welcome me with open arms. You confuse me, you know that?”

“You’re not a monster, Bucky.” You shake your head. “You’re a good man. I know Steve told you my story, I know he let you read my file the first day you came into the tower. You know all about me, and you know that I’ve made mistakes, too. I’m not one to judge you for anything, Bucky. I have no right to. We’re one in the same.”

“Thank you.” He whispers as he smiles.

“Anytime,” You nod. You meant everything you said, and you hope he knows that.

You and Bucky sit on the couch together in silence for a few moments, just enjoying each other’s company. Silence in inevitable between you two, but it’s comfortable. You’re comfortable with each other. Sure, it’s not a traditional friendship in any way, shape, or form, but either is the rest of your hectic life.

“Sometimes I hate being here, you know? I hate this. The way everyone looks at me. How everyone thinks I’m some villain. How do you deal with it? Steve keeps tellin’ me that they’ll come around, but…” Bucky breaks the silence, taking you by surprise.

“But you just feel like an outsider?” You suggest, and he nods. “Yeah, I understand. I wish I had something better to tell you, but honestly, I don’t know what say. I’m still getting used to it, I guess. No point in moping about it, but yeah, it sucks. Feeling like people don’t want you here. Feeling like people are weary of being around you because they know about your past line of work.”

“Guess we’re just those outcasts, then, huh?” Bucky grins at you. “Least I got you in the club with me. Don’t know what I’d do if Sam was in your place.”

“Yeah, lucky you,” You laugh. “Y’know, I’m surprised the power’s not back on yet. Tony must be pissed. The storms only getting heavier and it’s getting pretty dark in here.”

“I don’t mind,” Bucky leans back onto the couch cushion, looking out of the window just in time to see lightning strike from the sky. “I like storms. They’re calming.”

You debate leaning up against his chest, not sure if it would be too much or not. Sensing your hesitation, Bucky motions for you to lay with him, giving you an inviting smile.

“I’m not gonna bite, doll.” He laughs. “You can rest your head on me.”

You sigh, blushing a bit at the nickname as you lean your body back and snuggle into Bucky’s chest. You two just lay there together, blankets covering your legs as you watch the storm roll by in the window. Nothing has ever felt more natural and comfortable for you than lying beside him like this. You can feel his steady heartbeat through his chest as you relax, and you feel like you could probably fall asleep like this.

“You’re the only person I’d do this with, I hope you know that.” Bucky whispers in your ear, making your eyes jolt open just as you were drifting off to sleep. “I’m not… the best with physical contact. Not even with Steve. But there’s just something about you. You make me feel safe. That’s why it took me so long to be able to talk to you, I didn’t know what was going on in my head. No one’s made me feel like this, so safe and comfortable, in… Since before I fell off the train. I don’t want you to think that I hated you or somethin’…”

“No,” You shake your head. “I know, Bucky, I know.”

Bucky glances down at your lips, a piece of hair that’s fallen out of his makeshift bun covering some of his face. Before you realize what you’re doing, you’re moving the hair out of his face, looking at his lips and then back up at his eyes. You both lean in slowly, taking the time to process what you’re doing.

His lips meet yours and the feeling you get in your chest is indescribable. His lips are warm and inviting as he cups your cheek, the kiss sweet and slow, nothing rushed. You wrap your arms around his shoulders as you lean into him slightly more, his lips never leaving yours.

You’re kissing Bucky. That is definitely not something you had expected to be thinking or doing, not even a few minutes prior to this. But you’ll admit, you’re enjoying it. You’ve never been kissed like this before and you’ll admit- it’s a game changer.

You both pull away after a few moments, foreheads still touching as you look at each other in awe. “I wish I would’ve done that a long time ago,” Bucky says, his breath hot on your face.

“It was worth the wait.” You whisper. “You’re worth the wait.”

He pecks your lips one more time, smiling into it. He leans back onto the couch, wrapping his arm around you as he sighs. You snuggle into his chest, unable to contain the smile that forms on your lips. You and Bucky have always had a connection, but never once did you think that would take you to place you’re at right now.

You’re hopelessly in love with Bucky Barnes, but fortunately for you, he’s hopelessly in love with you, too.

@nicolesyneah25 @papi-chulo-bucky

[placetobenation]

I have been threatening a LOT of people with this for a very long time, from my friends, to wrestling boards, to Tom on the Military Industrial Suplex Podcast this very week (check it out if you haven’t yet!). So enough teasing, I’m just gonna go right ahead and say it.

I do believe that Torrie Wilson is, in fact, the lost great worker of her generation.

What I mean by that is not that she necessarily was a great wrestler. But she could have been. And really should have been.

I’m as surprised as you, trust me.

I never appreciated Torrie Wilson when she was around. On a list of wrestlers I was interested in during the 2000s she was somewhere near the bottom, and comfortably below her own dog, Chloe, whom I inexplicably always loved seeing on television. I was fully prepared to endure, rather than enjoy, Torrie’s sporadic wrestling matches as I went through the early years of this project.

Instead, she was my new favorite wrestler.

Life comes at you fast.

It was in 2002 that I started to notice it. She had a random Women’s Title match against Molly Holly and looked quite good in it. But of course, this is St. Molly of Minnesota we’re talking about, I expect nothing less.

But then she wrestled people like Nidia and she still looked good, which, no offense to people like Nidia, was a lot harder to explain. She was hitting her stuff really cleanly, busting out sweet clotheslines and dropkicks, and eating some offense right on the chin, from women AND men. Her bumping had noticeably improved out of sight.

“Oh my God,” I gasped. “Was Torrie Wilson… good??”

This was all happening and confusing me just in time for the greatest storyline to ever live, the absurd angle with Torrie, her father Al and Dawn Marie. Now, this may be the definition of damning with faint praise, but Torrie was definitely the best performer in this whole damn wretched thing. The matches that she had with Dawn during the angle were shockingly good wrestling matches, and let’s just say that Dawn Marie never looked as good in the ring with anyone else.

Their Royal Rumble bout in particular, I spoke about this already but I remain convinced that this is basically a cinematic masterpiece. Torrie Wilson is a tragic figure in it, like the heroine at the end of a horror movie: she’s been physically and emotionally ruined and everyone she loves is dead. She’s been so beaten down and devastated by all these harrowing events that she can’t even bring herself to feel any anger or seek any revenge anymore, she’s just a shell of a human being, numb to everything around her. All is lost, nothing is left. She’s living but she’s not truly alive. Just existing.

All this from someone who was derided as one of the worst actors in wrestling. As they say in my country, get that up ya!

In fact, it was seeing all this Torrie and Dawn Marie stuff for the first time way back in January 2017 that made me think seriously about doing some sort of longform Divas project. If Torrie Wilson is doing good work I don’t know about, clearly further investigation is required! So, thank/blame Torrie for all of this, I guess (delete as applicable).

And the more I investigated, the more impressed I was with Torrie every time. She hit her stuff well, she bumped well, she sold well. She did spots with Shaniqua while wearing HIGH HEELS and lived to tell the tale. I was now actively looking forward to seeing her name crop up. My only issue at this point was that she just wasn’t wrestling regularly enough on SmackDown.

And therein lies the problem.

Torrie Wilson was stuck on SmackDown during the years there was almost no women’s wrestling on the show. The Women’s Title and women’s division were on Raw. SmackDown only ever had a couple of women around at a time, and nary a great wrestler among them. They mostly valeted and did bikini contests, while wrestling matches were infrequent. Torrie was on SmackDown for over three years and had less than 40 televised matches during that time, and half of those were mixed tags.

I look at the potential Torrie was showing me in 2002, and just imagine with despair the kind of wrestler she could have become in the next few years if she was on Raw wrestling with the likes of Trish, Molly and Victoria on a full-time basis. When you consider how many of the women in the same general ‘model-cum-wrestler’ bucket as Torrie turned out to be good wrestlers and Women’s Champions, she already looked heaps better than a lot of them were at the same point, and could have ended up being heaps better than a lot of them if things were different.

But alas. Verily I do curse thee, cruel world.

Even when she was on Raw in the thick of the division, circumstances still just seemed to get in her way. I enjoyed Vince’s Devils to a truly unhealthy degree, but Torrie was better as a babyface and she was working heel for her first nine months on Raw. When she became a face again, she still never got a lot of opportunities in the ring; 2005-06 was rough for wrestling in the division and even by Divas standards, Torrie’s matches were super short. Match ups that suddenly appealed to me on paper as I became a Torrie mark often left me frustrated, just because they were criminally abrupt or interrupted by other nonsense. As a wrestler, Torrie never seemed to catch a break.

But the glimpses are still there. Torrie the sweetheart was a natural babyface, but after a couple weeks with Vince’s Devils she started heeling it up and getting into a groove as a bad guy, niggling the babyfaces and using her dog’s arsehole as a weapon (a real thing that happened). Soon we get to a point where Torrie is callously dragging Ashley around by the hair and killing her with lariats and shit and it makes you think. Maybe Torrie WOULD make a good heel after all?

So of course she starts turning babyface the week after.

Can’t catch a break.

But babyface was, in fact, her best side, and when she once again became one she was showing out more and more by the week.

Mickie James had one of the best women’s matches in company history with Trish Stratus at WrestleMania 22. Hard facts. Less than two months later, she had a match with Torrie Wilson on Raw and it is RIDICULOUS how much Torrie looked like the better wrestler of the two. If you came in knowing absolutely nothing about these women, watched this match and had to guess, you’d probably assume that Torrie was the Women’s Champion, not Mickie.

Soon after that, Torrie had a match on Sunday Night Heat against Victoria. “Just a C show,” you think, “Awesome, surely she must get more time here!” Torrie knows it and is straight up WILDIN’ from the get go, doing ‘ranas and dives and dropkicking Victoria in the fucking face. And then… and then… Victoria tweaks her bad knee and they have to go home less than two minutes in.

Can. Not. Catch. A. Break.

Funnily enough, due to all this break catching, or lack thereof, it was often in the most nonsense of Divas matches that Torrie got to show off the most. She was the highlight of the Bra and Panties Gauntlet at New Years’ Revolution 2006, running in and hitting suplexes and spears and handspring back elbows for the heckin’ sake of it and then getting eliminated in a novel way. She was back hitting even more bombs in that ridiculous Paddle on a Pole with Candice Michelle I covered in the B&P piece. She had another good B&P match with Melina just before she got traded to Raw, where she was inventing new ways to win and taking ridiculous Trish bumps on her head to the floor. If there could possibly be such a thing as a Bra and Panties match specialist, Torrie Wilson was probably it.

I mean, Torrie’s in there throwing around Rey Jr. ‘ranas in the middle of a random ass Fatal Four Way Bra and Panties match, and if there’s one surefire way to my heart, it’s by throwing around Rey Jr. ‘ranas in the middle of a random ass Fatal Four Way Bra and Panties match.

But still, this is all Torrie doing her best with the varying degrees of nonsense she was given to work with, until, finally, It happened. Ironically it wasn’t until she moved back to SmackDown in 2007 that It happened. But nevertheless, IT HAPPENED.

Torrie Wilson got to have a whole match! With a wrestler! For four and a half entire minutes! No bullshit! No interruptions! No terms and conditions! No hidden charges! No interest on the first 12 repayments!

Relatively speaking this may as well have been a WrestleMania main event.

And the point is, she got four and a half minutes with Victoria on SmackDown and it rocked! Victoria beat the absolute Holy hell out of her and Torrie was fighting the heck back for her LIFE and ended up dropkicking Victoria in the FACE so fucking hard her head flew right off her shoulders. You have to SEE this thing. They got another four and a half minutes the week after and rocked some more and at this point I drop to my knees, look up to the sky, and cry out to the heavens, “WHY COULDN’T YOU LET HER WORK LIKE THIS EVERY WEEK FOR THE LAST FIVE YEARS???”

Torrie basically spent the rest of 2007 being awesome with Victoria and it looked like somehow, some way, she was finally going to get the workrate run to make all my wildest hopes and dreams come true. But alas, the breaks remained un-caught. Torrie was having serious back issues and ended up quietly retiring by the end of the year. And thus, the idea of Torrie Wilson: Workrate Hero remained just that, an idea; abstract, elusive, floating out into the atmosphere for over a decade, until it came crashing back down to earth, and right on top of my head.

Torrie Wilson truly knocked me on my ass.

This is why I was so gosh darn happy when she came out during the history making, first time ever, all women’s Royal Rumble Match. Not only that I got to see her again and she got to throw clotheslines like it was 2006 again, but also how she was received. Torrie’s name has so often been used as a kind of slur, a codeword for “Diva” or “bad wrestler”, and here she is making a run in on a “real” match post-Revolution in a PPV main event in front of the smarkiest crowd in the world, Philadelphia. And they popped. And they chanted “TOR-RIE WIL-SON!” And my heart swelled until it burst. I died a thousand times during that Rumble match, but that may have been my favourite part. The redemption of Torrie Wilson.

My whole raison d’etre is now the redemption of Torrie Wilson. If there’s one thing I want to get done, one preposterous, flaming hot take of mine that I want you to absorb, it’s this one. Torrie Wilson really wasn’t that bad at all. Fuck what ya heard.

Next week we head in a different direction, from a surprisingly good wrestler to the greatest wrestler of all time. We have another important anniversary coming up folks…

Check it out: Molly Holly vs. Torrie Wilson – Women’s Title (Smackdown, July 11th 2002) Torrie Wilson vs. Nidia (Smackdown, August 15th 2002) Torrie Wilson vs. Nidia (Smackdown, September 12th 2002) Torrie Wilson vs. Dawn Marie (Royal Rumble 2003) Torrie Wilson vs. Dawn Marie (Velocity, February 1st 2003) Torrie Wilson vs. Melina – Bra and Panties Match (Great American Bash 2005) Torrie Wilson vs. Mickie James (Raw, May 22nd 2006) Torrie Wilson vs. Victoria (Heat, July 28th 2006) Torrie Wilson vs. Victoria (Smackdown, July 13th 2007) Torrie Wilson vs. Victoria (Smackdown, July 20th 2007) Torrie Wilson vs. Victoria (Smackdown, September 28th 2007)

[rollinswiththepunches]

Hope After Loss: Miscarriage at 30

In January I turned 30. The age never scared me, in fact I looked forward to 30. I felt and still feel like this is the age where things start to click and recently I’ve started to feel more myself than ever before. My 20’s felt like I was still a kid pretending I had it all together when clearly I was just faking it most days and hoping no one noticed. Turning 30 though felt like I had some real bearing on who I was, what I wanted and a new confidence, understanding and excitement about life. The anticipation leading up to this celebration of another trip around the sun was heightened due to finding out I was expecting in December. Nate and I celebrated our best Christmas yet because I surprised him with the news on Christmas day (which if you know him, basically the best day ever for this kind of news).  We walked into the New Year with so much happiness and love and joy and hope. There was new life breathed into our marriage and our relationship. Little did we know that January was going to be the longest month of our lives and we would be tested in a million different ways.

January 2nd hit like a ton of bricks when my grandmother, the heartbeat of the family, passed away. We managed to get through as a family with a lot of tears but a lot of love remembering all the gifts she gave during her time with us. Throughout that weekend, I’m remained hopeful, holding onto this gift inside me, almost bursting at the seams to tell everyone but managing not to give anything away. Part of me felt like it was meant to be… circle of life and all. January 10th…. I knew something was wrong and made an appointment with the doctor. Over the next week I went back and forth between the doctors and the hospital as we waited for a definitive answer to our fears. I turned 30 on January 12th. We went through the process of confirming the loss of our pregnancy on January 17th. This... was not how 30 was supposed to go. This… was not the celebration I was anticipating. Everything I had previously worried about seemed ridiculous and trivial. I wanted to dig a hole and hide and not even celebrate my birthday but somehow I managed a night with friends in the midst of everything going on and despite getting a phone call stating my levels were not where they needed to be LITERALLY as I was pulling into the parking lot of the restaurant. I wanted to turn around and go home but I got out of the car to spend time with some of my favorite people. To them, I am grateful because while they didn’t know it, they provided love and support in a way I needed but wanted to refuse and run from at the time.

I wish I could say this process of loss was confined to one single doctor’s visit where the band aid was ripped off and the full weight of grief could begin but for several agonizing days we were left in this suspended place of hope and heartache. When the final decision was made to terminate in the event of a more serious medical issue, the realization of that finality was deafening. There had been many tears shed up until this point but this is where the wall holding back the full extent of my fears finally gave way and all sense of hope disappeared. I was devastated, we both were. What followed was several days filled with every feeling imaginable. Confusion, anger, defeat, debilitating sadness and yet feeling strangely numb at the same time. As irrational as this is, I blamed myself. I felt I was being punished. Among all these emotions, there was one feeling that was stronger than all the others and probably the hardest one to describe. It wasn’t until weeks later when someone else shared their experience that it made sense but I felt… alone. In just a few weeks I had gotten so used to the fact that it wasn’t just me anymore. Any other way I felt before faded away and I only knew this feeling of comfort having this new life with me. In a single moment, even before we confirmed the loss, this intense feeling of being utterly and overwhelmingly alone hit me in the gut with such force and it settled in and stayed there. Where there was something… there was now nothing. I’m almost convinced there is an actual hole somewhere inside me that will remain that way forever. A piece that was removed and can never be filled again.  

This feeling stuck with me and despite everyone around me, I couldn’t shake it. I’m familiar with pain…I’m familiar with depression and I feel I am lucky to be well enough aware of myself and how I’m handling a situation. As much as I wanted to, I knew I couldn’t stay in that place so I went to work quickly and I threw myself into everything possible that I felt would help me find healing and understanding. At first it was small steps like even being able to even say the word “miscarriage” and “baby”. I read stories and posts from others who were able to share their story in such a short amount of time after their loss and I was amazed at their strength and courage. I wanted to get there but I knew I had to do it in my own time. Slowly I started reaching out, to friends or family or strangers. It was a very organic process and not one done out of obligation, but one done out of necessity for me in those moments and natural timing. I’m still reaching out in many ways and guess what…. there’s no right or wrong way to do this either because you story is yours alone and you get to choose how it’s shared, how it’s told. Nate and I experienced this loss differently which can be expected as we are our own person and feel and experience life in a unique way. We both allowed each other the space to process and while there were tough times and tough conversations, the support and love was always there but he knew that I had my own journey to go through and he has patiently allowed for me experience that in every way that I asked. The small steps I took forward built the foundation for me to later unpack all the heavier things I was pushing off, too afraid to face and I eventually was able to “forgive myself” and accept that moving forward doesn’t mean letting go or forgetting or losing what I had.  I realized I could still be happy and excited about the future and still hold onto that memory and honor the life we had to say goodbye to.

Grief is a funny thing…some days you push it away and shove it down and other days you hold it close and let it wash over you and comfort you like an old dear friend. Some days the waters are calm and other days the waves are so big you feel like you can’t catch your breath. I don’t believe there is any one right way or right amount of time to grieve the loss of a child or a pregnancy, but I do know that for me, letting myself feel it when I needed to feel it was the best way to learn from it. What I knew from the beginning, despite my own feelings of shame I was fighting, was that I did not want to perpetuate the idea that women have that they aren’t good enough or that they have in some way failed. I didn’t want to walk around feeling unworthy or less than and I don’t feel like anyone that goes through this or anything like this should ever be stuck in feeling that way. The best way I knew to ensure I didn’t enable that was to face it head on and get to a place where I could share my experience in hopes that it would comfort someone else or provide some bit of hope. It IS common, you are NOT alone, and you CAN make the room in your heart necessary to move on and more forward.

It’s something that will never go away and some days will always be harder than others but you make room for it and it becomes a part of you. It makes you stronger, better than before and there is no one or ideal way to go through it . My best advice is to remember to acknowledge your pain and the child you lost because it is OK to not be OK. Lean into those around you, and if you’re able, talk/write about it when you can and most importantly, acknowledge how far you’ve come. This week I’m doing just that, acknowledging how far I’ve come. This past weekend was my original due date. This last week some of those old feelings started to creep in but I remembered all the hard work I put in, all the steps I took and how far I have come. There will still be bad days and fear of the future but I confident I am better equipped now to handle whatever is ahead of me. Over the last few months I’ve realized just how strong I am and how strong I can be and plan to be the next time around. I’m learning to trust my body and to love it through every shape and season so that I could be in a better, stronger place for when we try for a family again. I know I can now move forward with excitement and love and hope while still honoring my grief and loss. I will forever and always love and long for our angel babe and I’m going to love any future babes just as fiercely. More to come….

"Every moment of light and dark is a miracle” - Walt Whitman 

[adventurousrecovery]

Confrontation

Due to a series of ridiculous and unfortunate events, I have been required to meet with my academic adviser and program director. The reason for which I was called in may possibly be announced in a future post or never. The sensitivity of the topic to be discussed could be potentially damaging for myself and my counselor. I felt it necessary I not show up alone and seek some sort of clarification in requirements. My dad thought the person in attendance should be him. 

Two weeks ago my dad asked me to stop by his business on my way out of town. I did. When I showed up he struggled to get to the point of why he really wanted me to stop by. He rested on a nearby table, crossed his lower legs, and used his arms to almost hold himself up. 

“What time is your meeting tomorrow?” he asked.

“I’m not telling.” I wasn’t going to tell him. Thanks to my fucked up childhood and the psychological games they played, I knew better than to give them information that would involve them or give them some sort of control. 

“Well, I will be going so I have to know.”

“I am not telling and I have someone going.

“Who?”

“It doesn’t matter. I have someone.” 

He raised his voice, becoming confrontational, “Who?! The ADA advisor?! Who does she work for?!”

The tone in which he spoke reminded me of when I was little and he didn’t like the answer I gave so he would repeat, challenge, or question what I said in an attempt to get me to cave. He only spoke with such a tone when he didn’t like the answer. 

“The school, but it will be fine. She is an advisor and has responsibilities to fulfill in handling my learning disability.”

“But she works for the school. You need someone to be there! They are trying to take advantage of you and screw you over!” 

“I will be fine. I know what I have to do.”

Whatever response I gave would not be enough. I focused on trying to maintain eye contact and not become that scared little girl, but I broke when he got too close. He moved from the sitting position and walked closer cornering me. He leaned against the door frame and crossed his arms. When the discussion got heated he moved closer. I kept my tone calm. He was inches from my face. I tried to maintain eye contact, but broke it when I turned my head. I could smell his breath. I later came to realize this was me letting him know I was submissive, while also searching for fresh air. I wanted to scream. I somehow got him to back off, telling him of what I had planned to discuss at the meeting. I told him of how I was working on a project and would show what I had created. I told him he could not come if I were to show it. It was rule that must be respected in creation of the piece.

Again he stood inches from me, “I know when you speak, you say things about me that aren’t true.....................and some things that are true. You are my daughter and I care about you. Blah blah blah.”

I stared him down and raised my eyebrow at his words, “I know when you speak, you say things about me that aren’t true....” Wow. He really believes he did not do some of the things that he did. The look on his face said otherwise. My god, I wanted to punch him in the face and scream, “You did it! YOU FUCKIN DID IT! IT ALL HAPPENED!” Instead, I stood there, eyebrow raised, mad. 

As a child, when these sort of confrontations happened, he would corner me until I coward, backing me into a corner. Head down, starting at the floor, palms against the wall behind me. Teeth together he would growl, continuing to talk or put me down in a low guttural voice. His forehead placed forcefully against mine, be would continue to belittle me and place threats, ever reminding me of how stupid I was. His questions somehow always put me down and the answer was always to say what he expected. I was never given an opportunity to explain myself and if I attempt to do so he never cared for it wasn’t what he wanted and therefore wrong. I would sniffle, holding back my tears. I tried to be strong. He would sometimes hit his forehead hard against mine, his hands in fists. When it was all over, I would retreat to my room and continue telling myself, “It wouldn’t have happened if you hadn’t of done what you did.” That also applied to the physical abuse. If I hadn’t have done what I did, I could have prevented being abused. Years later and looking back, I didn’t know any better. It probably didn’t matter what I did for he would react as he would whether good or bad, there is no excuse for abuse. 

For the sake of the conversation and my wanting to leave, I let things play out and did not acknowledge it. The conversation took 1.5 hours and was basically me making him feel better for he seemed more stressed than I was. By the end of the conversation he was crying, trying to keep his emotions in check. 

“Would it be too much to ask for a hug?”

I just stood there. I knew I did not want to hug him, but I did not have the heart to say no. I couldn’t force something I did not feel and I was tired of doing so for years just so that my parents would feel better. Though I did not say no, I said something by not letting it happen. 

*sniffle sniffle* “Okay. That’s fine. I get it.” 

He then put his hand out in an attempt to hold mine or I would fulfill the action. I put out my sleeve, making sure he did not touch my hand. 1) Germs. 2) Touching 3) He may deserve some sort of emotional comfort, but I was not required to give that. 

He didn’t like my response for it further saddened him. He was comforted by my words and was no longer going to show up. 

I eventually left and returned to Terre Haute where I spent the week questioning everything and having flashbacks. I couldn’t talk about it at counseling and I should have. Instead, I sat outside my counselor’s office and hysterically cried for an hour knowing I was not safe to leave that spot. I am sort of glad I didn’t disclose for it was ugly crying/screaming/hyperventilating, but I am upset because it would have provided insight into the intensity of the shit that is going on and how it has been affecting me. I am still working on the trust thing. It isn’t fair. I spent many moments pacing my apartment trying to erase my dad’s image from my mind, but it was on repeat. It would just happen, appear at random moments and there was nothing I could do. That is the part that is unfair! Why does attempting to move forward require sometimes going backward? 

A week went by without me talking to my dad. I needed time to process things. After having a conversation with my mom, I decided to confront him. He wanted me to immediately inform him of what had happened during the meeting. I didn’t. I don’t have to. I took a day to process things and cry before calling my mom the next day. My dad had asked her why I called her instead of him to which my mom lied, “She just didn’t want to upset you.” 

Bullshit. 

My mom is an individual who, like my grandpa, avoids conflict. They don’t understand you can be honest without the intent of conflict. A person’s reaction to that truth is their own. I eventually mustered up the energy to confront him. I sat in my car and gave myself a pep talk, reminding myself that I have the ability to talk like a grown up and he does not get to talk to that little girl. Maybe I should think of my inner self as the little girl? Protect her. Give her what she deserves. After a few minutes in my car, I walked right to his office and sat down. 

“HEY!” he said.

I was serious.

“Hi. I came here to be honest.”

“You came here to be honest?”

“Yes. I have avoided talking to you this whole week because I am not okay with what happened last week and you being inches from my face.”

He didn’t like what I said. He became a smart ass.

“Is there anything that you are okay with?”

I returned that sass. “Space. Lots of space.” I probably looked like bitch because my period was so bad I looked exhausted and puffy-eyed even though I had slept like 10 hours. I was thankful for having my period and it assisting with my not taking any bullshit. “You aren’t in trouble.”

“Then why do I feel like it?”

“We have never been good at confronting each other when it comes to family.”

“Well, you should have told me when it happened. You could have said, hey dad, can you give me some space?”

I couldn’t. His state of response was too similar to that of the past. One wrong move and I would have been stuck there, longer than I was, dealing with an unintended argument. I didn’t have to explain my reasoning to him and I knew he didn’t want to hear it. I was not going to sugarcoat things to make it bearable for him. Instead, I told him I had to leave to go to counseling and I did. 

Later in the week, my counselor had asked me if being able to develop a deeper relationship with my parents and possibly say, “I love you” was a goal. It had never crossed my mind and I have grown accustomed to not having that relationship with them that I have convinced myself I am probably better off. It is not a goal. I do not wish to say, “I love you” or engage in physical touch. The thought of doing so disgusts me and makes me extremely uncomfortable. I don’t think they deserve it. I do believe all children should be blessed with the opportunity, but mine has done gone or perhaps never was. I am not saying this to be negative or attention-seeking, but to be honest. It’s sad. 

In the end, the unnecessary accusations I have endured have created more chaos than the person who did the accusing could possibly realize. As shitty of a situation as it has been, I think I am learning to stand up for myself when it comes to my family. I have a voice. Imagine if my voice was as loud as my thoughts!  I do not have to sweeten the truth. I do not have to do anything because I feel it is necessary simply because I am their daughter. Physical touch is not a requirement. The words, “I love you” aren’t either. I do not have to explain my reasoning. I exist. I matter. I am who I choose to be and I am sure whenever I figure that out exactly it will be fuckin amazing because that’s what I am!