#like guess what happened two years ago. i got back on meds

[bigweldindustries]

i find it so funny when my mum bitches I've gotten fat over the last couple years like oh noooo. oh nooooo I have a nice soft tummy for the first time in my life and also a fat ass. what a shame oh nooooo whatever will I do

[1427]

When the Levee Breaks (pt. 4)

Daryl Dixon x OFC

The one in which a stripper that used to know Merle and Daryl shows up at the Atlanta camp. Daryl’s feelings are complicated but mostly he hates her, right?

Chapt. Setting: Highway outside of Atlanta. 

Chapt. Warnings: degrading and sexist language, degrading behavior, season 2 Daryl, smut, oral (m receiving)(kind of) weird. Just weirdo perv (out of desperation) Daryl. 

Word Count: 3200

A/N; Daryl’s POV 😩🤷‍♀️ 17+ mdni

masterlist

Been keepin’ Merle’s stuff pretty well hidden. Guess I should probably just get rid of it, right? But I can’t. S’not mine to get rid of. So I just hide it. Separate bag from the rest of his meds, all the way at the bottom of a backpack, stuffed under the seat of my truck. 

Beatle says she’s been sober off spazz shit for three years. Pretty sure three years ago s’when I met her though, so I’unno how she figures that. 

But now we’re ditchin’ the truck and I gotta find a way to carry it without Beatle finding it. Don’t even have time to be upset about my truck. Had it for at least the last ten years. Loved this thing like it was the only thing I had. Basically was for a while. 

Takin’ Merles bike. It’s got some dumbass Nazi shit on it, but ‘m not complainin’. That shit don’t matter anymore. Neither does bein’ upset over a truck that’s not gonna do me any good without gas. 

Pack myself two bags. One goes with Beatle in Dale’s RV, the other is the pack I’d had stuffed under the seat. Spazz gets hidden underneath a few shirts, smokes, the couple sips left of girlwhiskey, and the rest of Merle’s scripts. Stuff I don’t trust Beatle with.  

I think she knows, too. She doesn’t say it but she gives me a look when I tell her ‘m holdin’ onto it. I offer her a whole cigarette. All for herself. And it shuts her up enough not to push it. 

Don’t know if I like when she’s happy or not. Kinda makes me feel sick so I try not to think about it. Dunno. Whatever. Don’t got time to think about that shit anyway. S’always somethin’. 

Don’t really even got the time to think about what a shit show the CDC was. Just gotta keep movin’. Guess the plan is Fort Bennet? Don’t know. Don’t care. ‘m just goin’. 

It’s nice to be back on a bike again. Can’t feel nothin’ but the vibrating underneath me and the air in my face. Can’t hear nothin’ but the engine. By myself. Like all this shit hasn’t happened…

No use in thinkin’ ‘bout it that way, though. Has happened. And I ain’t gonna be one of those sorry sacks that wants to pretend shit ain’t the way it is. That’s one thing I like Beatle for. She don’t pretend shits gonna go back. Don’t miss nothin’, ain’t lookin’ for no one. Far as I see it, she’s happy mostly. Guess it’s easy when someone’s takin’ care of everything for ya. Me. Giving her my smokes and buildin’ fires for my damn self, thinkin’ everything tha’s mine is hers. It ain’t. 

Other people makin’ plans. Other people findin’ shelter. Other peoples food. 

Too many people in this group ain’t pullin’ their own weight. It’s gonna catch up sooner or later. Beatle’s a weak player. Can’t decide if I should help her out or not. Can’t decide if I should protect her or not. Cuz she don’t want it, she don’t think she needs it. But she’s gonna need it. Sooner or later. 

Cuz I know I hate her and all that. Dumb fuckin’ bitch for sure. But after what happened at the CDC? Thought we were gonna die. Thought she was gonna die. Fuck. I’unno. Guess I felt somethin’. 

I’m in between knowin’ it and hatin’ it. It can be both right? Cuz it’s definitely both. One more thing I gotta care about. Real fuckin’ stupid. 

We’re only on the road a few hours before shit blows. Literally. Dales radiator. Good ‘n done. Then more bullshit happens but ain’t that the way shit is now?

A whole herd of ‘em come through and everyone’s fine. Andrea’s havin’ a panic attack ‘bout the geek that almost ate ‘er, Carol’s kid run off into the woods, and T-Dog’s all but bled out. But to me? Basically fine. No one’s dead or nothin’. 

Don’t know where Beatle was when the herd came. But she’s fine too, and any worryin’ I’d been doin was a waste of fuckin’ time. Not gonna waste any more of it bein’ mad I was worried in the first place. That I couldn’t think ‘bout anything else. Just images of her stupid happy face gettin’ ripped apart. Guess I care now. At least ‘bout her not bein’ dead. ‘Bout her bein’ here.

She’s standin’ outside the RV with me, sharing a cigarette cuz I don’t know how else to tell her I’m glad she’s alive. Can’t stop lookin’ at her. She’s either ignoring my staring or pretendin’ I ain’t doin’ it, and ‘m grateful. Don’t wanna talk ‘bout that shit. Just wanna look at her, and fix all those images in my head. Her face still happy and perfect and smilin’ at me like it wasn’t bein’ eaten by monsters a few minutes ago. 

I feel sick. Somethin’… different. 

“Can I just hug you, please?” She asks like she’s been waitin’ to say it. 

“Why?” I squint at her, dragging the smoke. Kinda want to - kinda mad she asked instead of just doin’ it, “Since when do you ask permi-“ I’m cut off by her body wrapped around mine. All four limbs holdin’ on like I’m keepin’ her anchored to the world. 

I hug her back, arms pulled tight around her. Why am I doing this? What the fuck is this? Goin’ fuckin’ soft for some dumb little girl. I can hear Merle laughin’ at me from inside my head, and I drop Beatle back down to the pavement. 

“I’m glad you’re alive.” She says, and I look down at her. Now she’s all covered in the gross shit I’m covered in. She doesn’t seem to care. Doesn’t even seem to notice. 

“Yeah?” I say at her, cuz I don’t know what else to say. Can’t tell her Im glad she’s alive. Can’t give her that. I hugged her back, that’s enough. She should know. 

She nods, smiling that stupid fuckin’ smile that I’m startin’ to like. ‘Fore her face starts wrinklin’ up somethin’ nasty. There it is. She looks at me, then down at herself. “What the fuck, Daryl?” 

Me?! “‘Pleeeease can I hug you, Daryl?’” I mock her. 

“I was worried!! And then you’re alive and okay and I  didn’t have time to look at you covered in guts and shit!” She squeals. I swear she knows it irritates me. I can see her goin’ to punch me in the arm so I let her, then pull her into another hug. 

Grabbin’ at her head to bring it close to my chest, covered in week old decaying monster meat, “C’mon, Beatle. Gimme a hug!” She’s tryin’ to fight it but ‘m stronger. 

She bends her knees and slips down and out of my arms. The blood on my hands making her too slippery to hold onto. She starts runnin’. I run after her til we get to the side of the road and she tries to hide underneath the trunk of a car crashed into the rail. 

Maybe this ain’t the time for fuckin’ around, but it don’t matter. Not when I finally got her cornered. The look of fear in her eyes does somethin’ to me. Not real fear.  Naw, cuz she’s smilin’. Cuz she’s laughin’. Just excited that we’re both still breathing. Still, smile on her face and laugh in her throat, she’s cowering beneath a cars trunk, beggin’ me to stop. The beggin’s doin’ somethin’ to me too. Fuck. 

I pick her up, slingin’ her over my shoulder, she yelps. Don’t she know how this shit works yet? “Fuckin’ quiet, Beatle. Dumb bitch.” I slap her ass once and she fuckin’ yelps again. “Wha’ did I just say?” And I slap her ass again. This time she’s quiet. 

Shit, that worked? Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. My dicks hard. 

I’unno if it’s cuz I never carried a girl over my shoulder like this, cuz I spanked her couple times, or cuz she listened. My dick gets even harder and I realize it’s definitely fuckin’ all of it. But mostly that she listened when I told her what to do. Maybe I should tell her what to do more often. Fuck. ‘m not helpin’ myself, or my problem, at all. 

I dip my head down to smell the sick I’m covered in to make it go away. It works. Even with her ass next to my face. So close I could bite it. For fucks sake. I put her down but she doesn’t run away this time. We walk slowly back to the group. Not sayin’ nothin’. Me, cuz I’m trying to focus on the smell of rotten flesh and definitely not Beatle beggin’ me to stop. Definitely not about what her face looked like when she felt my hand on her ass.  

Wonder if she’s quiet cuz she’s thinkin’ about it too.

 Wondering what she’s thinkin’ about and tryin’ to will away a stiffy. Fuck this fuckin’ high school bullshit. Like she reads my mind, I feel her needy little fingers snake into my hand. For a second I think maybe I’m smokin’ a cigarette I don’t remember havin’ but ‘m not. She’s just tryin’ to hold my hand. 

At first it feels nice, and then I feel sick again. Too many questions unanswered. Too much shit that’s already happened. Can’t trust her. So I shake her hand off, “Stop.” 

“Fine. Fuck you.” She stomps away and back into the RV. I’unno what the fuck’s wrong with me that it makes me smile. Do I like when she’s happy? Shit, I dunno. If I did, wouldn’t I not like it when she’s upset? So why does her being mad at me do it for me too? 

✨🏹

Whatever. 

She comes with me to go look for Sophia. Andrea stood up like she was gonna come too, but once Beatle and I are standin’ next to the RV Andrea doesn’t follow us out.

 We don’t stray too far from the road. It’s dark, and mostly just came out here to help ease Carol’s mind. ‘m definitely goin’ soft. But I’unno. Hurts to watch people lose stuff. Their families. Hurts to watch people hurt. 

Gonna hurt Beatle in a fuckin’ second if she doesn’t shut the fuck up. We’re walkin’ through the woods. At night. She’s gotta know this shit by now. “Beatle, keep your fuckin’ voice down. Please.” Did I just say please? Fuck me. 

“Did you just say ‘please’?” Fuck. Me. 

“Shut up.” 

“Don’t think I know how.” 

“Yeah, no shit.” She laughs, and it makes me smile. And that makes me feel sick to my stomach. Again. 

Her voice cuts through while I’m makin’ myself even sicker thinkin’ about it, “You wanna play another game?”

My eyebrows raise in her direction, “Yeah, that went real well for ya last time.” 

“Nevermind.” Her face falters and she crosses her arms across her chest. 

“What, you don’t wanna get half naked and cry again?” And for fuckin’ once I wish Beatle had somethin’ to say back. Some smartass shit that isn’t even funny but she definitely means it to be. But she doesn’t. She doesn’t say anything. She just lets my question hang in the fuckin’ air and suffocate me. Cuz now I’m thinkin’ about her half naked and crying and my fuckin dicks hard again. What is this shit? Rock hard cock every time I pick on her now? ‘m not gonna be able to do this. She’s gonna notice. Where the fuck is a guy supposed to jerk off and relieve some of this shit? 

On her fuckin’ face.

Shit.

She’s been quiet for too long and my brain won’t stop. It’s just getting worse. Images of her now, her face covered in my cum, her lips humming together making little bubbles with it, smiling. Shit. 

Beatle, say something. Anything.

“How big’s your dick?” Not. Fucking. That. 

She listens… right? She wants it, right? Why else would she ask that? Now, when it’s just the two of us out in the woods in the dark. She wants me to show her. 

So show her.

“Beatle.” My voice is low, barely there. Just a rasp of a word. 

She turns around, ready to explain herself before she even looks at me, “I-“ 

“C’mere.” If I don’t cut her off she’s gonna say she was just jokin’ but we both know she ain’t jokin’. She wants ta know. So she’s gonna know. 

Feel like I can see her blushin’ in the moonlight as she walks toward me, even though I can’t. Just know she is. Smile on her face like I ain’t about to wipe it off with my cock. Shit, hard as a fuckin’ rock right now. I rub my palm over the length of it, and I watch her eyes follow my arm down. Watch ‘em get bigger, wide and nervous, and it makes my dick twitch against my jeans. I pull out a smoke and light one, for a second I see a disappointment in her face, thinkin’ maybe I’d just called her over to share a smoke. Naw. “Down on your knees.” 

And Jesus Christ, does she kneel so fuckin’ fast. She stares straight ahead, and somethin’ comes over me. Can’t wait. Don’t want to. Don’t need to. Beatle does what I ask, at least when it comes to this. Like a good little slut would. That is what she’s good at, ain’t it? 

So maybe it’s a little fucked up that I grab her head and force her against the rough fabric of my jeans. Pushing my cock into her cheek as hard as I fuckin’ can. Holding her by the hair and rubbing her face on me. 

But this little bitch moans. At first I wasn’t sure, but she keeps fuckin’ moaning. She likes this. Somethin’ close to a laugh escapes my throat, past the cigarette between my lips. I take it with my fingers, letting one hand go from her head, the other hand pulls her back to look up at me. Her expression absolutely blown. She just looks at me for a second, before putting her face back on my cock on her own. It’s not the same amount of pressure but it still feels fuckin’ good. And somethin’ about her doin’ it on her own. Like she can’t fuckin’ help it. Like she needs it. 

She’s starts to lick at the fabric right where my head is and my dick spasms again at the sight of it. This time she can feel it underneath her mouth. She smiles up at me, smirkin’ down at her. Putting the cigarette in my mouth, I drag it, before bringing it down to her lips. A little reward for listening. 

She drags it once and I drop it on the ground. Beatle says “Thank you.” In the smallest voice I ever heard come out of her mouth. Fuck. I could fall in love with this Beatle. It’s just your dick talkin’ Dar, don’t get crazy. 

I grunt a laugh and start to unbuckle my belt. Unbutton my pants. Barely have my cock in my hand ‘fore her mouths around it. I pull her back by her hair, sharply. She winces in pain and reaches up to her head where I’m holdin’ on. Her eyes shoot up to look at me. 

God, fuck, what I wouldn’t give to have that image burned in my brain for the rest of my life. Her face, all discomfort and contempt because I won’t let her touch me. Like she’s fuckin’ dying for it. “Nah, keep your mouth shut Beatle. Gotta learn ta do what yer told.” 

She nods, and closes her lips. Looking from my eyes back down my body again. I lean back, takin’ myself in my hand and pressing my cock into her face. 

For a while I just rub myself all over, letting her feel the weight of it. Letting her know just how big it really fuckin’ is. Lifting it off her face and smackin’ her cheeks. Makin’ her flinch, her eyes squish closed but I press my hard cock against her eye and push up forcing her eyelid open. Fuck. I do the same thing with her lips. Smushing and rubbing the head of it into her lips to open them, I fuck against her mouth for a second. Beatles groaning and moaning but she doesn’t open her mouth. Somethin’ about it makes me need to cum. Now. No more fuckin’ around. “Open up.” 

She does. I spit into her open mouth, and she moans again, without swallowing it. Like a good slut. “Fuck, Beatle. Shit. Now stick your tongue out.” 

She does. I can see my spit falling off her tongue and I quickly catch it with my cock, before smearing as much of the slick spit from her mouth onto me. Taking myself from the base, holding hard to cut off the circulation. Always feels better when I do that. Rubbin her tongue with my cock til I can’t fuckin take it anymore. I’m about to fuckin’  cum. I pull away for only a second, my breathings all fucked and I can barely speak, “Close yer mouth.” She looks confused for a second but closes her mouth. Good. Was about to smack her. 

My left hand finds a place on the back of her head again, gripping into her hair to hold her in place. I push my hips forward and put the whole length across her face. My other hand pressing myself down into her from above her. And I fuck myself on her face. Grunting and sloppy and desperate to cum. Never done this before, shit, does anyone do this? But fuck, it’s so fuckin’ hot. Her lips and her cheeks and her eyelids and her nose all squished and being fuckin’ ruined by my cock. Shit.  Fuck. 

Right as I’m about to cum I put both hands around her head and hump her face like… I don’t even know. I feel fuckin’ insane, but she’s still moaning at the feeling of being used. Not even in a way that should be enjoyable to her. 

I don’t think I’ve ever cum that much in my whole fuckin’ life. Most of it ends up in Beatle’s hair, but there’s still a whole lot of it on her face. I mess with it for a second. Swirling my puffy post-nut dick in it before I get oversensitive. 

I put myself away, and sit down on the ground next to Beatle. Still in the exact same position. I let her kneel there, don’t tell her she can move or nothin’. Guess that’s why she doesn’t. Don’t think she can open her eyes either. S’funny. 

Relighting the short I’d dropped to the ground, I pull a bandana from my pocket. “Is it big, Beatle?” I ask her while I wipe only her mouth off, and put the cigarette between her lips. 

She sucks on the filter, and smiles. “Yep.”

Eventually I wipe off her eyes too. Can’t do anything about her hair though, so I promise to find her a hat from one of the cars on the walk back. 

And I don’t let myself think about what this might mean. Who cares? I don’t. Don’t think Beatle does neither. We’re just goin’. 

pt 5

A/N: Yeah okay,  I know. Daryl’s all back and forth. Does he not give a shit about Merle and Beatle? Does he know deep down they never did anything together? Or maybe he just wasn’t thinking about it at the time? He’s confused, guys. He also really doesn’t have all the information (Eventually he’s gonna ask but first we have to deal with Sophia. Sorry. I don’t want to either.)

[wetsnifflesneeze]

Something extremely embarrassing that happened

i am deeply embarrassed guys but i feel it is time to overshare 😭 unfortunately all these obs revolve around me 😭

this literally happened over a year ago but i have been too ashamed to talk about it 😭😭

so it was springtime and i was visiting a friend, staying at her and her partner’s place for a week. about mid way through the flight my nose started running a bit and i convinced myself it was just a reaction to the airplane air… so my nose is running and it doesn’t stop so eventually i have to get some toilet paper from the bathroom and then the rest of the flight it's manageable i just keep dabbing my nose with the toilet paper every so often

we meet at the airport and the car journey to her place is fine, then as soon as i get into her house i get sniffly again almost immediately. she fucking loves her air conditioning and making her house cold so again i'm like okay maybe it's this air. which wasn't ideal for me but i'm not the kind of person to tell someone what temperature they should keep their house at

the day after i got there she was stuffy and sneezy and said it was allergies, which i believed, she was only stuffy and sneezy and surely i couldn’t have gotten her sick in only 8 hours haha. and well after she took her allergy meds she did get better.

she was in my room one morning and was like “you have a roll of toilet paper in here” and i said yeah my nose has been running a lot 💀

i tried my HARDEST not to sneeze while around other people. i mean i'm comfortable when it's just me and her but her partner and another one of her friends were also there most of the time

it was my second day there that was the worst i was so sniffly i didn’t have any tissues on me and we were mid convo and my nose just started dripping to my upper lip in front of people (embarrassing, yes, this is over sharing. i could have left this part out). sooo many trips to the bathroom to blow my nose that day (i’m shy)

the same day as that we were all hanging out in the living room and i said something at one point and not one person understood it lmao i was that congested. i did feel a little bit bad that night I’ll be honest but just from being so congested and the general embarrassment

also that whole week her partner and i kept sharing beers and even food (their idea not mine) so i guess i didn't give off the i'm sick you don't want to drink from my glass vibes or maybe they're just really chill about it??

we were in the pool and i was holding back the urge to sneeze for like two fucking hours. it was just the two of us but idk the idea of sneezing while i was in the water felt gross and i was like wtf will i do if it's messy so yeah i just somehow managed not to sneeze but i had such a i'm going to sneeze at any moment face

it wasn’t that bad the whole time but those first couple days were uncomfortable for me to say the least i’m just not comfortable being like that around people. i guess i had a mild cold, as far as i know i didn’t get anyone sick so that’s good.

[finnglas]

wanted to update peeps on Luna, cw pet health, under a cut. (Spoiler: She's better, but dear god what a journey we are still on.)

She's doing better. We're still getting a handle on what happened over the weekend, but the best guess we have right now is that she might have gotten into a toxin that crashed her kidneys. The vet says she looks like she is in Stage 2 kidney disease, which is common in cats of her age (she'll be 14 in July). And despite being called "Stage 2" it's the earliest kidney disease can be reliably detected in cats, actually.

Anyway, it's manageable and she should be fine for several more years. What happened was:

Friday, she had diarrhea. I knew she'd had a bit of kitten chow and she has a sensitive stomach, so I assumed that's what we had on our hands. By Friday night, I knew that wasn't the case. She was frantic and it just kept going, long after she didn't have anything left to poop out. She also was absolutely not interested in food. My vet had long ago recommended I keep an OTC 'kitty pepto' on hand - you can buy it easily, called Pro-Pectilin, or any similar product that has both kaolin and pectin in it - and I thought I had some, but what I had was a product with different active ingredients that was almost expired. I gave her that anyway, and promptly ordered a new Pro-Pectilin.

Saturday, it was getting worse. I took her to the emergency vet, who did bloodwork and told me she was running a fever and her kidney levels were ever-so-slightly elevated. They gave her an antibiotic shot, a vitamin shot, fluids+electrolytes, and an anti-nausea medication.

The diarrhea did not stop. I borrowed my mother's Pro-Pectilin while I waited for mine to arrive. It had been 48 hours since she had anything to eat, and yet every few hours she was in the litterbox. Saturday night there was blood. I called the emergency vet; they said to give her overnight to see if the meds kicked in.

Sunday, there was no more blood, and the diarrhea at least had color instead of being water-and-mucus, but it wasn't any more solid. It also started to slow down, to every 5-6 hours instead of 1-2. But she still wasn't eating. We went back to the emergency vet that night. More antibiotics, more fluids+electrolytes, more vitamins. They gave me an oral appetite stimulant. She had lost almost 3 pounds.

Monday, she only pooped twice - 11am and 2pm. She hated the oral appetite stimulant - it made her drool - but it seemed to work a tiny bit. She lapped at some broth, which was the first thing she'd willingly consumed since Thursday. I put some broth in a syringe and fed her about 5 teaspoons' worth. She didn't enjoy it but was too weak to really fight me. She seemed kind of vague and nonresponsive. I was sure I was losing her.

Tuesday I got her in to see our regular vet that afternoon. He was horrified. New bloodwork, scheduled for X-rays the next day, and a new appetite stimulant - Mirataz, a little ointment you rub into the inside of their ears once a day.

Let me tell you something: Mirataz is a miracle drug. If a vet tries to give you Entyce for your pet who isn't eating, you hand that shit back and you tell them to give you Mirataz. Not only did it not make her drool, not only was the application extremely stress free, an hour after rubbing it into her little ear, she was eating. During our DnD Discord call, she got up from her bed of her own free will and ate a small amount at a time, five or six times. A far cry from me dribbling broth down her throat with a syringe. Her fur was already starting to look better. Her eyes were brighter. She had energy. She wasn't as vague. If she'd been at 0%, she was now at a solid 55-60%.

Wednesday's adventures with the vet weren't fun. We had to see a different doctor for the X-ray appointment as the other one was out, and she and I did NOT get along. Jumbled information, terrible bedside manner, two seconds into the conversation, drops the phrase, "We have to consider her quality of life." Quality of life? Ma'am! Why do you think I have dropped $1800 over the course of the weekend? This was acute onset, not chronic, and we still don't know what it was! We are not talking about euthanizing this cat unless you can give me a reason why! She also was like "She hasn't pooped since Monday afternoon? That's a concern. I'm sending you home with a laxative." MA'AM. she only started eating again at 8pm last night! After not eating + pooping her guts out for four days! I am not giving her a fucking laxative!

Anyway. Thursday, good vet called me back to talk about the X-rays, and that's when he told me about the Stage 2 kidney disease. There are still some things he doesn't understand from her raw numbers and X-rays, so he wants to do an ultrasound, but those aren't cheap so we're talking about it. In the meantime, Luna is much improved. It's clear she went through an Ordeal and still isn't fully Well, but she's eating (and as of today, pooping normally!), and has at least been drinking normally this whole time, so we have some time to figure out the next steps with her, and I can finally sleep at night.

Honestly. Worst holiday weekend ever in a long time, and that's including the year I had RSV from Christmas to New Year's and was leaking mucus out my eyes. Thank everyone for their thoughts and vibes and prayers.

[potatowithahat]

Part two: A doctors Notepad

A sdv Harvey fic

Part one here

Summer 1, year one

       Well springs gone, which means most of the allergy complaints are fizzling out. I haven't seen The Farmer since the flower dance though. I'm not sure what's going on. Did I do something to make them not like me? I don't know. I'm too anxious to ask her. The Farmer is the first real friend other than Shane or Elliot I've had since moving here, and even then there really only drinking buddies. I think I'll wait for them to come to me.

                                             -Harvey, the doctor

Summer 3, year one

       Last night there was an awful crashing noise from up by Robin's. Maru was telling me all about it when the farmer came in with a coffee for me. I think this is the first time they've come to see me since the flower dance.  I was honestly ecstatic. But Maru and the Farmer both got really quiet and just looked at each other for a second. Then Maru shouted ‘I'm a lesbian!’ And they both burst out laughing. I still don't get the joke. Either way my prospects in this town are dwindling by the day.

       I suppose you and me have a long year ahead journal. Speaking of which I think I finally named you!!!!!! Ok, ok, hear me out…. Joseph List-er. Get it! Cause you're a Journal,  so I can list everything that happens to me. Its stupid anyway. Why am I still writing like I'm talking to you? This is too odd.

                                              -Harvey, the doctor

Summer 5, year one

Linus came in around two am last night with the farmer in his arms. I nearly fainted when I saw the injuries. I haven't seen cuts like that since I med school. I'm a medical professional though,  so I got her to the beds in the back and cleaned her up. In the end they needed twenty-three stitches on their legs and four in their head. It was awful. They finally woke up around three am, thank Yoba. As soon as they was up I was checking their vitals and pupils for dilation. I asked them for their name and they just asked me what I was doing. When I tried to explain I needed to check for a concussion and amnesia they looked me dead in my eyes and said: I heard a joke about amnesia once, but I forgot how it goes.

      It wasn't even a good joke, but I was practically beside myself laughing. I don't…. Yoba this is bad. They definitely think I'm crazy after that, I must have looked insane laughing so much. I fixed myself soon enough but I still… I don't know. I gave them the whole speech on keeping safe and wound care and she was on her way home before dawn. That was maybe twenty minutes ago,  so that's all you're getting for today. I need a nap.

                                          -Harvey, the fool 

Summer 10, year one

       Sorry about the slow entries last week. Jas and Vincent caught the flu and Shane has been practically shadowing me making sure they get better. It's the longest I've seen him sober in months. Regardless, I need to get better at updating this little guy.

       Anyway, the farmer came in in a panic today asking me ‘what the hell a luau is’. Apparently she's never been to one and got a letter from Luis explaining how the governor was coming into town for it. I laughed and explained the silly tradition. It's not like the governor's visit actually matters, he always comes back. After she was calmed down she asked what she should bring. I shrugged and told her I always bring beans because there a good source of protein. Half a cup of beans can provide about seven grams of protein,  which is the same as an ounce of meat.

      Sorry, I'm rambling again. Regardless, the Farmer left midway through my beans speech saying she had the perfect idea. It was quite odd. I guess I'll have to see what they bring to the event.

                                    Harvey, the doctor 

Summer 11, year one

       The luau was a huge success this year! The Farmer brought some hot peppers, and though it was a little too spicy for my tastes it was still delicious. The Farmer came and ate by me too. It.. was quite the evening. I was exhausted by the end though. My social battery certainly isn't what it used to be. I should really start going out more. Perhaps I should bring that up in my next session.

       Either way it's quite late now. I should probably get to bed… but… something about the Farmer bugged me today. They were so lively,  but everything someone else would talk to them they'd seem to dampen a bit. Like someone covered the sun in their eyes with a cloth. It.. it was a bit odd. I considered asking them, but I couldn't quite find a way to ask ‘Where does the light in your eyes go when you talk to…

       Oh… OH.. oh Yoba. I'm a fool. I.. oh dear

                                          -Harvey

Thank you so much for reading!!!

As always, my asks are always open, so if you liked this and have any ideas or requests please feel free to suggest something!!!

Also if you're interested in any of my other works you can find them all linked in my Pinned post! Also I have an Ao3, which you can find a link to there!!!

Any way I hope you enjoyed!!!

[joellesolo]

So, I started taking carbamazepine (tetregol) on Sunday, which was actually planned out over a month ago by my psych and I at our last appointment in September because I did NOT want to have a repeat of caplyta and spent October as a zombie and miss out on Halloween events and the Something Corporate concert and Emo Night Tour and everything, you know? So that was the plan, to start it a night after ENT; cool right?

But then of course ENT gets cancelled literally two hours before it started, it triggers a manic episode (okay, to be fair, I was manic before it got cancelled, I guess...), I start the carbamazepine, and of course, have a terrible reaction.

And what a fucking WEEK to have a terrible reaction to it.

I tried to give it a couple days, but, I couldn't even walk up the stairs unassisted, so on Tuesday night Michael was just like, you gotta call your psych, and I was just like, so defeated... like, are my options to either be depressed or a zombie?! Because this is exactly what happened with the caplyta last fall. Except I gave that med three and a half weeks of being a zombie before I gave up on it and went back on vraylar. So I've spent over a fucking YEAR being depressed and ragey. And that's not fair to my girls...

So, I stop the carbamazepine, and, this morning, wake up feeling not great, but I wasn't falling off the treadmill like the last few days at least?? I was able to drive Peanut to the dentist and to school, which, I HAD to, so that's good? And I got home, and took the fanapt, and then got in the shower and semi blow-dried my hair and then... could barely keep my eyes open and fell down the stairs.

And then googled fanapt and discovered it causes sedation and drowsiness and could barely make it to the sidewalk when Lil's bus got home.

EMBARRASSING.

So I guess we'll see how it goes. I'm supposed to take another one this evening 😭 And increase the dosage tomorrow, and the next day, and the next...

Maybe I'm just doomed to be depressed forever?? Idk. Things are not looking good.

I'm swaying right now, and it's supposed to be nap time and it's taken me fifty fucking minutes to type this out 😭 I guess that's my cue to fuck this.

[blaaaaask]

I tried out one of those personality quizzes and got INTJ-T.

Didn't even realize they had that extra letter.

Anyone else take one of these and you're like 'Well, that certainly explains a lot.'

Quote from the website:

Some personality types are drawn to jobs that require nonstop teamwork and interaction, but INTJs tend to prefer positions that offer independence. By working alone or in small groups, they can make the most of their creativity without constant interruptions from curious coworkers or second-guessing supervisors. They really do believe that if they want something done right, they’d better do it themselves.

End quote.

So, this leads me to a kind of funny story. I quit my desk job about a year ago because they wanted to change remote workers(3+ years) to "hybrid" (aka, slowly change us from our remote positions to in-office for X amount of days. I'm not stupid, I know eventually this would lead to going back to full time in-office. This is just them slowly boiling the frog.)

I, of course, resisted. Sent emails, had meetings, jumped through 100 different hoops. It was literally causing me so much stress that my doctor was trying to recommend anxiety meds (please note, the anxiety was not there until this stupid debacle happened?) I would write/tell HR endless reasons why I could not return to in-office working any longer (pre COVID times), but each person I had to talk to never read half the crap I wrote. And they kept saying 'well, would it be fair though?' Which, I pointed this out, that there were numerous people in various departments who were men who were within similar driving distances as myself who were staying remote and were not being questioned. But I, as a female, and all the female coworkers I had talked to, were facing the same requests.

I didn't want to be 'that girl' that pointed things like that out, but uh, it felt like a glaring oversight.

My department head had also just changed, and instead of having a boss who was eager to help me (he said as long as you're working, do whatever works.) New boss was like 'you need to follow the rules, I am not going to support you.'

So, with the issue sitting before me of 'do I follow their rules just because it pays well?' or 'do I leave, and pursue something I love?'

I quit.

I put in two weeks, which was hellish but freeing.

I have not looked back. My department was ultra small, so it felt sad to drop the ball on them like that, but I am not to be fucked around with. And I have put everything into my art here, my writing, and trying to build my own income. It is going slow (as in, I am making nothing right now) but what can I say? I absolutely love what I'm doing now.

Will I need to go back into reality at some point and get another job? It's possible.

Am I going to keep trucking away otherwise? You bet.

Moral of the story: Fuck those fucking fuckers, hahaha. But seriously, if you have found a means to work in an environment that works for you, do NOT feel like you have to change it!!

As I told them in my emails: if you're getting into gardening, and you have multitude of plants with varying needs, you tend to them following those instructions. Some need direct light. Some need dark spaces. Some like it hot. Some like it cold. You cannot uproot all your plants and put it into one box because 'it is easier to water that way.' You will kill off some of your most unique plants this way. You will end up with all of the same plants.

Also just random tldr: Fuck office jobs. And office culture.

Okay thanks for reading my rant. :)

[transitioningpirate]

today - 03/11 - dates exactly one month since i've started t!!!!! i'm so happy and honestly so pleased with everything. i had a bit of a bad month (got sick, had a bit of a falling out with someone and then i got sick again) but seeing the effects it's had on me already makes me honestly so happy. and thinking about what's to come makes me so much happier!! it's been a while since i realized i actually was feeling excited for the long term future. it's amazing.

here's some of the changes i noticed:

same as the last list - hunger and thirst have increased a lot. the doctor says it's because of my metabolism, it's much faster now. this is good but also bad because i keep forgetting to drink water. this is something that i've always struggled with. before this week, i've already ended up in a hospital because of dehydration like three times. anyways, i used to live in an island, very used to humidity, and this year, for college, i moved to a town that's, like, over an hour away from the nearest beach. it's very very dry. and like i said before, in november we were hit by a terrible heat wave, and it all piled up: fast metabolism, heat wave, dry place, me forgetting to drink water frequently, and you guessed it: i ended up at the hospital yesterday :(. had to take some pain meds and some saline, but im totally fine now, and ill make sure it doesn't happen again!

so much more energy. i know i said this already, but it's crazy, seriously, i have so much more energy just in general, for everything. it's amazing. ive been sleeping better, eating better, working harder, studying more, it's crazy. my mood has increased a lot, too, actually, especially after my second t shot.

irritability, but i think this has more to do with my personal life. a bit of tmi here: i was seeing someone until not long ago but some not-very-nice stuff happened, and i asked for a break (with no intention of returning, mind you, despite what he so confidently claimed) and immediately after realized i very likely had an sdt for the first time in my whole life. for the record, this is the only person ive slept with this whole year, basically. so. yeah, i was stressed, you can say that. spent a bit of money on meds, and im already feeling much much better, but it definitely took me down for a couple days, emotionally and physically, and i honestly think my irritability came from that, but maybe t had a hand on it too? who knows

two friends of mine claimed im growing a moustache, but i dont think so yet. i already had a very thin very small moustache before, and maybe it's getting a bit thicker? i haven't noticed it personally except in one (01) picture i took with a weird lightning. im not sure... but i like to think so! maybe it's just starting to get thicker and it'll actually grow eventually!

acne. i bought a soap for my face specifically, and i use it everyday, sometimes twice a day, so it's not as bad as it could be, but it's definitely present. mostly in my forehead and my chin. it's easily taken care of, though, and doesn't hurt and barely shows, so it's whatever

my voice has definitely gotten deeper! not significantly so, but it definitely has, it's noticeable, and i love it so much. i love listening my own voice. i love listening to myself talk. i love it, love it love it love it so much. i record so much more audios on wpp now, i like hearing them back, i like hearing myself!!!!! it's the best. ive never felt this way about my voice before. im so happyyyy <3<3

it's so hooooot god i feel hot almost all of the time, everywhere it's warm and i sweat sooooo much. doubled my deodorant use and i have no regrets. it's not a bad thing, but it is mildly inconvenient sometimes, ngl. living in this hot as all hell town definitely doesn't help. ive wore more light and freeing clothes and it actually helps a lot, though. plus, my baby cousin's birthday this month will be a pool party, so im hella excited for that!!!!!!

if i can think of anything else, ill add onto this. thank you so much :3

[frostmoths]

Might regret posting this. cw alcohol, suicide ideation

Let me preface by saying I wrote this, and a much more emo version before, over the course of a week, and I’m feeling a little better now. It comes and goes. It's everything I’ve been handling since late May, and I want to open up about it.

I have extreme depression and recent happenings have tipped the scale to make me nearly non-functional. I started therapy and medication a year ago because of the world’s most passive-aggressive rejection. I’m way worse now. I’m on my third med and if what happened Sunday (I was very ill) was a side effect, I’m going to have to quit it too. I don’t believe in antidepressants as a cure-all and I’ve only been conceding because I’m tired of wanting to lay down and die. Not kms necessarily, just stop hurting. Though I’ve got like 10 bottles of various prescription insomnia meds which don’t do any good on their own, so maybe if I take them all at once

One weeknight in early June I tried to drink myself to passing out and forgetting what broke my heart. Instead I threw up and went to work the next day hung over. And it was an embarrassingly small amount to drink. Just that it was cheap and I had it on an empty stomach because I was too enraged to make dinner. I haven’t had alcohol since. I dumped out what was left. 

My idiot father, who has dementia, has taken to dragging his guns around everywhere because he’s paranoid they’ll be stolen, and gets angry if he's confronted about it. I’ve alerted several authorities but unless my mother complies, nothing will be done. She won’t because she’s also insane. In May I had a full nervous breakdown expecting me or my cats to get murdered. It was probably the breaking point for my short-lived girlfriend dumping me two days later. Once again my shitty family has ruined any chance of happiness for me. 

When I saw a pistol on his chairside table the other day, instead of blind panic, I felt nothing. I kind of hoped it was loaded and he’d do it, so everything would stop.

My new house is a shitshow and I got ripped off. I have approximately 6 hours a week to work on it and zero help so I’m still not moved in. At this point I hope to sell it after a couple of years of improvements (if I can afford them), get my money back, then maybe flee this godforsaken country and go live in the mountains in. Fucking Iceland. idk. My mother promised assistance for certain things and took it back because that’s what she does. I’m about ready to cut her out of my life.

I can barely eat without getting sick in one way or another. I no longer enjoy things like cooking, EDM, watching anime, and, worst of all, writing. Last month I started poking at [redacted]’s outline as a way to keep my head above water, only to realize it’s way more vague than I remember and that some parts make no damn sense. This is a thing I’ve been bragging about for 3 years as proof that I know what I’m doing, so I feel like a fool. I deleted everything I ever posted about it on my sideblog. I’m tempted to wipe what’s started off AO3. Tempted to delete the entire account tbh, too many memories which are too raw right now. I’m not a skilled writer and the pros (plural) were right to call me out on it last year. And this has been the one thing about myself I was confident in my entire life, that I was banking on making a career now that I finally, finally have my own house with peace and quiet, and now I can see I was fucking delusional. I give up.

My therapist says I have trauma and that I never healed from what happened in 2020 (not Covid-related). I can only see her every 5-6 weeks because she’s that booked. She said she argued with administration because she can't focus on her current patients but they keep throwing new ones at her. Kind of like my job. Everyone everywhere is overworked.

To cope I’ve been indulging in something that’s frowned upon — not a substance abuse thing, but an ethical thing? I guess? Among creatives. I don’t care because it helps me. My psych and my therapist both told me to seek supplemental therapy in between appointments. I think they had something more like b*tterh*lp in mind, but that’s a proven pyramid scheme so lol no thanks. Psychology books and imaginary friends it is.

My employer is closed today and tomorrow for the holiday, and I’m on vacation next week. Much-needed extended time off for me. If I don’t make headway on the house then I don’t know what. I didn’t want to spend my one week off a year moving in the middle of fucking summer during the worst heat on record. At one point I had much more pleasant plans but that’s no longer happening and I can’t think about it. I can’t, but I still do. 

I wanted this house to be my success story. Having worked hard, she rescued herself, escaped her toxic family with her fur sons and flourished creatively, healthfully, and romantically. All was well. The reality is that I was likely conned as a first-time single homebuyer and I'm so mentally ill now that I may not be able to meet the demands of maintaining a 70 year old house with nonworking appliances I can't afford to replace, let alone my own well-being. How did I get myself into this. 

There's one last-ditch effort I can make to pull myself through, but not properly until I move. It sounds like a lame excuse and it probably is, but whatever. Better later than never. However, I tried this last fall, went too hard too fast and burned out after 4 months. I threw a lot of money away doing it. I keep hearing push yourself, go intense, you'll never get there with baby steps but I also think you have to take baby steps if you're starting from zero because otherwise you'll burn out? I'm so tired of conflicting information everywhere. One tells me one thing, another says that's wrong. I can't trust anyone. 

There are a couple of other things I’m looking forward to trying more than exercise. Which are probably less healthy for me. Who is going to stop me. hashtag yolo

I keep telling myself it won’t be this way forever. Just like summer. It comes around once a year, it feels like death, and then there’s relief. But it’ll happen again and again. Just like summer. You have to adapt.

I'm glad pride month is over. I don't know what I'm supposed to be so proud of.

[jadeleechsupportgroup]

personal happenings and thoughts below the jump. cw talk of medical stuff, death, cancer, mental illness, bipolar, idk, a shit ton.

my dad is dying. he got diagnosed with metastatic liver cancer in may, a week after he turned 70. he got immunotherapy treatments all summer. it shrunk the tumor but also destroyed the rest of his body because he was already just so sick in general. about 3 (4?) weeks ago, they found blood clots in his lungs and an especially large one in his leg. they suggested discontinuing treatment and moving him into hospice care.

i inherited my food allergies and bipolar disorder from him. and i'm trying to use that as a turning point in my own life - doing my best to avoid those foods (gluten non-negotiable, dairy just a bad idea), going to therapy (including IOP), staying on medication, etc. all the good shit.

but it has been so hard watching him die.

He tells my mom how no matter when he sleeps, he has nightmares. Whenever I go back home (out of state) to help, I see the manic and depressive episodes hit fast and hard. I feel like I'm witnessing the brain damage in action, and I feel like I'm watching whatever will happen to me if I make it to that age. I also never sleep like a normal person and have horrible dreams. without the meds I hear background noise in my brain, which I only learned more recently is a form of psychosis.

it's easy to look back and either be angry or sad about how i never got this kind of help as a kid or teen. I had symptoms in early grade school. but it was the 90s (1900s am I right haha) so I doubt there was anywhere my parents could have even taken me for treatment.

I'm trying to just...feel my feelings as they come. Practicing the things I learned in group because they mostly make it manageable. blogging here, i guess. learning not to ruminate too hard on this or the other things in my life which are shit, which idk if i'll ever have the strength to blog about, but maybe someday.

my dad and i have had a more difficult relationship since the you-know-what in 2016. living at home because i could afford nothing else, and coming to the realization that i was non-binary in addition to ace, suddenly became a hellscape with him spewing bigotry so openly. when it gets right down to it, i'm sure he wouldn't have thrown me out on the street. which i know is the bare minimum. it's complicated. but I also know he loves me. I can tell lately he's been thinking back on his life and the mistakes/choices he made. it doesn't make it okay but it's.......something.

I don't know. I spend my days waiting for the crushing sadness to punch me in the chest. It hasn't yet. But it's dark all the time now and it's cold as shit and the holidays are the worst part of the year for me because so many bad anniversaries are coming up. I'm in a place I've only lived for a couple years and I don't really have any friends outside of work (which is, of course, two jobs, because capitalism is a plague).

I know things will happen. Some good things, some bad things, some things with no emotional points awarded. knowing it's gonna hurt is not doing me any favors. but I have to get this out somehow so here it is.

and now for some pics that cheer me up.

my dad and I are both pilots, so this one is cute.

I won an iguana at the carnival as a kid. He lived an extremely spoiled life. And got very long.

and, of course, the wiggly pig (one of amelia's numerous names)

thanks for reading if you've made it this far, or even if you didn't.

[tjswritingstuff]

March has ended!

It was a pretty good month.

While most of the writing I did was for class my total word count for the month was 11080 words.  

I finished reading three books this month:

George Orwell’s Animal Farm

Margaret Atwood’s The Handmaids Tale

Toni Morrison’s Beloved

Two of the books that I finished were for class. I’m currently reading five other books; my current reading list has never grown this fast in my life. I started paying attention to the days read counter on my kindle app. I read (in the app) 18 out of 31 days.

I only went to the gym 3 times this month, I had a surgery on March 12th, and it limits what I’m allowed to lift. While that doesn’t affect everything that I could be doing at the gym I know myself well enough to know that I would break the rules just a little and end up hurting myself.

I did end up in the hospital. After my surgery I was prescribed Hydrocodone and Acetaminophen. Turns out that I am allergic to Hydro’s. The general response to that discovery has been, “have you really never taken them before?” I did. About 20 years ago…and I ended up in the hospital then. About 20 years ago I was bitten by a brown recluse spider and had a nasty spot come up on my arm, my doctor prescribed me some pain killer I took it according to orders and ended up passing out. My ex-husband took me to the hospital, where they immediately acted like I had overdosed and wasn’t taking it correctly. When I insisted that I was they did some blood work and then told me that my potassium levels had completely bottomed out. I believed for many years that was the reason that I had ended up in the hospital. The hospital put into my chart that I’m allergic to hydrocodone. But they didn’t TELL me that. Since all my doctors that would prescribe painkillers are linked in the same hospital network, they all have access to that information. No one ever prescribed me it, and I honestly don’t like taking stuff anyway. If Tylenol works just fine, why take anything stronger?

I went to get an augmentation surgery through a doctor that is not linked to that network. He asked about allergies. I didn’t know of any. My pain meds were prescribed 2 every 6 hours for pain. I was taking 1 every 8-ish hours depending on how I felt. My liver started shutting down. I discovered this after about a week when I woke up throwing up. I was bloated. At my post op checkup, I was told that swelling is a normal side effect of the surgery. Did you know that swelling is a side effect of liver failure? I do now.  My kid’s dad found me half conscious on the bathroom floor and when I tried to stand up, I was shaking too much to walk.

Guess who got to spend a night in the Emergency Room hooked to an IV. I guess the good news is it happened during spring break, so I didn’t have to worry about getting homework done.   

My lowest grade is an 82%. While I am a little disappointed with myself for not hitting Straight A’s this semester, I’m not going to complain too much. Currently my grades are:

Astronomy – 87.86

Astronomy Lab – 87.65

Creative Writing – 96.84

Transatlantic Lit ’45- Present – 82.81

History of American Peoples – 87.32

World Lit Beginnings – 650 CE – 94.14

My goals for April are:

Write 15,000 Words

Read 5 Books

Maintain Grades

Gym 2x’s Week (when I’m cleared to go back)

Draw more.

I feel like my life is moving in the right direction, I have some things that I still need to work out, but I feel like I’m starting to figure things out.

[alj4890]

The Offer

(Tobias Carrick x F!MC) in a Choices Open Heart drabble for Day 4 of Tobias Carrick Appreciation Week.

Rating: G for fluff

A/N When Tobias came to work at Edenbrook, it was the only good thing to come out of Book 3 😂 I looked forward to each chapter release for him and in the hopes that PB would let us choose him as a love interest. Sadly, that never came about so thank goodness for fan fics 🤣 For this drabble, Tobias is offered the chance to not only join the staff at Edenbrook (which I think he welcomed to get away from June 😈) but also the diagnostic team.

@tobias-carrick-appreciation-week @jerzwriter @hopelessromantic1352 @choicesficwriterscreations

Masterlist

Tobias crept about the bedroom, trying to make as little noise as possible. As he slipped his shoes on, he watched Chris's slow, deep breaths, making certain she remained undisturbed. After her long night working the emergency room, he wanted to make certain she got the rest she needed.

Straightening his tie, he quietly slipped out of the bedroom and tiptoed down the stairs.

Once safely out of his townhouse, he listened to the voicemail message he'd received a few days ago.

Dr. Carrick, if you're anything like the man I met last year, I'm going to assume you'd like one more chance to prove what kind of physician you really are. I'm giving you an opportunity to have the one thing that is currently lacking in your life: a challenge. If you'd like more details, come to my home on Friday, the twenty-first at ten a.m.

**************

A short time later, Tobias parked outside of Leland Bloom's mansion. A servant led him through the massive main floor to the veranda.

"Dr. Carrick." Leland rose from a table decked out for brunch. "Good to see you again."

"Mr. Bloom." Tobias shook his hand.

"Please." Leland gestured for him to sit down.

After a servant offered him various dishes and beverages, Tobias relaxed back in his chair. His signature smirk flashed as he studied the billionaire.

"I believe you said something about a challenge." He motioned around the table. "Unless it was trying to decide to choose what to eat."

Leland chuckled, pleased with the confidence that practically dripped off the doctor before him.

"Before I issue it, I would like to ask a few questions."

Tobias took a bite of a brie and apple crostini. While chewing, he motioned for Leland to continue.

"Tell me about your friendship with Dr. Ramsey."

Tobias didn't pause as he picked through a charcuterie board.

"We were roommates in college and med school."

"And yet, you aren't friends any longer." Leland observed.

"It happens." Tobias shrugged. "We competed over everything. Grades, women, etc.

He wasn't about to go into detail about his strained relationship with Ethan.

"You also are close to Dr. Valentine." Leland pointed out. "So much so that you rushed to Edenbrook when you heard she was hurt during the attack on Senator Farrugia."

Tobias took a long sip of his coffee. He merely smiled in response to what wasn't quite a question.

Leland cocked an eyebrow, impressed with being unable to ruffle the man.

His lips curved in approval. "Do you know how I made my money, Dr. Carrick?"

"I believe it was through investments, inventions, and surrounding yourself with smart people." Tobias replied.

Leland chuckled. "That was only part of it. What drove me to succeed were two things: my unwillingness to back down from a challenge and my love for my Caroline."

He eyed Tobias. "I'm going to offer you the same opportunity I was given."

Tobias dabbed his mouth. "I didn't become a doctor to become a billionaire, Mr. Bloom."

Leland laughed, shaking his head. "No. You did not." He leaned forward. "Do you know what I think?"

"I wouldn't begin to guess."

"I think you became a doctor because you loved the challenge. The chance to define the mysteries of the human body." He smiled. "To be the one to defeat the diseases that seek to destroy."

Tobias slowly nodded. "A little more heroic than I would have gone, but that is the gist of why I became a doctor."

"You used that drive, that need to be the best, to save Dr. Valentine." Leland added.

Tobias stilled.

"You couldn't let her die, could you?" Leland prodded. "She means more to you than a fellow colleague."

"She does." Tobias admitted without shame.

Leland nodded in approval. "I heard that you two are engaged."

"We are." Tobias said a touch proudly. "Though I don't quite see what Chris has to do with this mystery challenge of yours."

"Then allow me to elaborate." Leland folded his arms on the table. "My challenge is this. I want to offer you a prestigious spot on the diagnostics team at Edenbrook."

"You do?" Tobias cocked his head to the side as he studied the old man. "Why?"

"I believe you are wasting your potential at Mass Kenmore." Leland began. "You are a highly intelligent physician which you proved when you created the cure needed to save your Chris."

He didn't give Tobias a chance to respond to that.

"You need that challenge to be the doctor you can be. Working with Ethan fuels your need to prove you are the better physician. I believe it would also spur Ethan to be better than what he is. Like you, he's become stagnant. He needs someone to argue against his dictates. Challenge him to win every encounter." He smirked. "I want to see that same fire between you both when you fought over treating me."

His smile turned a touch proud. "And your Chris gives you the support and encouragement you need to take those steps that you wouldn't necessarily take if not challenged yourself."

Tobias felt a spark he hadn't felt about his job in a long time. Somehow, this billionaire who had his own personal reasons for offering this chance to him actually offered him a position that he'd give anything to have.

"Will you accept my offer?" Leland asked.

Tobias was ready to accept without discussing a salary or even benefits. He knew he needed this.

But he also knew he should discuss this with Chris.

"I need time to consider your offer." Tobias told him.

"Of course." Leland got to his feet. "I'll expect your answer tomorrow."

Tobias stood and shook his hand once more. "Thank you for an interesting brunch."

Leland chuckled. "Thank you for making it so." He gestured toward one of the servants. "Jeffers will show you out."

*****************

Chris opened her eyes when the bedroom door opened.

"Where'd you go all dressed up?" She yawned.

"I was invited over for brunch." Tobias sat down on her side of the bed.

He leaned down and pressed a tender kiss to her lips.

"Must have been quite the brunch to wear your suit." She teased.

She playfully tugged on his tie to pull him back down for another kiss.

"I thought it seemed appropriate for the venue." He murmured, deepening the kiss. "It was at Leland Bloom's mansion."

Chris's brow furrowed as she caressed his cheek. "He invited you over?"

Tobias nodded.

Her eyes widened with hope. "Of course he would! After what you did for me, he must believe you can find a way for him to safely touch his wife again!"

"I thought that was what he originally wanted from me too."

Tobias settled beside Chris and pulled her into his arms. He pressed a kiss to the top of her head as she rested her cheek against his chest. His fingers began to comb through her hair while he considered the proposition he'd been offered.

"What did he want?" Chris asked.

"He offered me a job at Edenbrook."

She sat up with a delighted smile. "He did?!"

Tobias couldn't help but smile back at her. "I take it you like the notion of me working near you."

"Like it? I love it." She captured his lips in a heated kiss. "You are one of the few people I like getting input on when I treat patients."

He cuddled her closer to him. "I feel the same way about you."

"When do you start?" She asked.

"I told him I needed time to think about it, which was the polite way of saying I wanted to discuss it with you first."

"Already proving what a considerate husband you're going to be." She teased. "Show off."

Tobias laughed out loud, shaking his head over how much he really did like discussing things like this with her.

"The job came with something more."

"Which is?"

"He's giving me a place on the diagnostics team."

Chris's smile dimmed. "He did what?"

Tobias studied her face. "What's wrong?"

"He told us to choose Baz's replacement. We've been interviewing candidates for weeks now."

"Are you saying you don't want me on the diagnostics team?"

Chris shook her head. "I'd choose you over any that we interviewed, and not because I'm in love with you."

Tobias felt his earlier excitement return hearing that.

"It's just, well..." She hedged. "You and Ethan are kinda..."

"Complicated?" He offered.

"Without a doubt." She huffed. "Do you think you could work with him without any drama interrupting our job?"

"Oh there'd be drama." Tobias chuckled. "But Leland had an interesting observation about me and Ethan."

"What did he say?" Chris sat up beside him.

"That we challenge each other to be the best." Tobias explained. "We'll push each other into going further to help our patients."

He turned toward her, a soft smile forming on his lips. "And I need that almost as much as I need you by my side."

Chris leaned forward, pressing her forehead against his.

"You'll always have that." She tenderly kissed his forehead. "And though I'm not quite prepared for the fireworks that are bound to erupt the moment you join the team, I want you to have whatever you need to be the best."

"So you approve of my coming to Edenbrook?" He asked.

"I highly approve of the notion." She giggled when he rolled over on top of her.

Their lips met once more before Tobias propped himself up on his elbows to gaze down at her.

"Do we warn Ethan," he asked with an evil smirk, "or let him be surprised?"

Chris rolled her eyes while fighting a smile.

"Life gives so few surprises. I say, we make certain that Ethan gets the biggest surprise of his life."

[yokasaris]

Just me rambling (a lot), but I want to have it for posterity’s sake. Just in case.   tldr: pet illness/death, overly dramatic ramblings, maybe goodbye finally, doesn’t mean much to nonfriends so feel free to not read on

I mostly just use this blog for myself these days, and even then only half hearted (I did Rae’s yearly little drawing for his nameday! but no one will see it because... what’s the point, i already have it for myself i guess). So, even then a lot of my reblogs have just been related to black cats. Rae only became a fluffy black-furred miqo because of my own cat, and my efforts in RL trying to help people overcome prejudices about these animals (because I live in an area that’s like 50 years behind the rest of the USA most of the time). I love this cat so much. The shelter called him Elvis, but I changed it immediately to Ellis (my own birthname is “related to music” and my social anxiety can’t stand it when people I barely know start serenading me unprompted in public). I’ve never had a pet I’ve bonded with entirely because I’m just... a cold feckin robot that can’t connect with anything. I mostly adopted him because I felt bad for him. He was consistently ganged up on by the other cats at the shelter and no one wanted him because he was one of a handful of fully grown black cats and had the “worst” personality of the bunch. As soon as I brought him home it became apparent that he was sick. He had hyperthyroidism, and it was... a lot considering I was working minimum wage. I don’t even go to the doctor myself anymore because of the expenses unless things progress to the point where I have to go. A few years later, he developed an insulin resistance as well. Both endocrine diseases and one of his medications all had side effects that make him sick off and on, and of course balancing everything means frequent vet visits. There have been many times where I wasn’t sure what to do in regards to his healthcare and I didn’t make the best calls every time, but we’ve pulled through with the help of his awesome vet. And he got so... comfortable. For the first few years he mostly kept to himself, but over time he started getting more confident and affectionate. I was lucky that he takes pills and the shots like a champ because he has to take them twice a day every day. He learned how to play! I can pick him up and give him little smooches between the ears and he’s okay with it! He’ll curl up with me to watch cooking shows or when I play vidya games! He started purring! With so much shit happening over the past half decade, this little dude has been my reason to keep going. He’s the reason I get out of bed a lot of the time (also literally because he wakes me up for his meds now). A while ago (maybe a year or two?) the vet said he believed he had either lymphoma or a non-life threatening bowel issue. It was impossible to tell which it was without an invasive biopsy, which was out of the question due to his other health issues. So, I’ve known for a while that it was possible he didn’t have much longer to live. A few months back he really started having issues stemming from this problem. And yet... I chanced to try giving him a different food about a month ago and! suddenly! he got better! I thought that meant he definitely didn’t have cancer and it was the irritation instead. Besides, he was gaining weight now! It’s always been hard for him to put on weight, but he was looking healthier than he has in a very long time. Yet a couple weeks ago I started keeping a closer eye on him due to a few reasons (I had to leave a few XIV events early because of this, and I apologize).

This past weekend he started deteriorating.

What I thought was healthy weight gain was fluid build up in his abdomen due to, yes, lymphoma. So, at least it’s finally a concrete diagnosis. All the vets present agreed there was nothing they could do, so they removed as much of the fluid as they could and gave him some meds to make him feel better. Thursday his vet will back in, so we’ll be taking him in to be put to sleep. Took a shower as soon as I was home because can’t be sad, no one’s allowed to be sad and at least no one would notice the feckin horrid crying. I don’t know when I’ve actually cried like really cried last. I’d been ready for the possibility he’d die for so long, but I’d discarded that mentality when I naively thought for a moment that I knew better than the vet. But, he’s getting all the cuddles when he doesn’t want to be left alone, and he’s going to get his favorite treat meals these last couple of days (tuna Tuesday and chicken+ rice Wednesday). I’ll bring him one of my blankets when we finally have to go, and I’ll hold him as the sedatives put him under before they actually put him to sleep. Because this lil furball is the only thing tangible that reminds me there’s something good here, and I want to try and make him as happy and comfy as I can. After... I’m not sure. There’s nothing else here for me. The farm’s gone. My last link to anything and anyone tying me here is about to be gone. I want to go, but I don’t know where and there’s no place that I can fathom thriving. There’s no prospects, no ambitions or dreams. It’s something I’ve had on the mind for a long time, ever since I was first told Ellis was possibly terminally ill. I’ve just been... coasting through life ever since knowing I’d have to find some kind of purpose eventually. I can’t make any decisions right now because I don’t think this is the proper state of mind to decide anything, though. But, I don’t know. Maybe this is finally how I can let this blog go. I don’t know if I can handle all these lovely droves of absolutely amazing black cats I am so lucky to see on my dash every time I log in. Sometimes they’re funny, sometimes they’re cute. But, they’re fantastic every time. It pains me that there’s going to be one less of these lil critters around, but at least I can know that Ellis was one of the lucky ones who managed to find a loving home. So, maybe for the final time... black cats are good cats.

[deluweil]

Thanks for answering!

My shift was definitely a hard one, I’m an ER doctor and it was a looooong one.

I hope that you’re right and something good is coming to us.

I’m new to the fandom, 2-3 months in. I’ve read multiple times that Oliver would be totally on board with buddie happening. What about Ryan? I could not find anything…

What do you think about the Lucy comeback? Oliver said Buck’s not gonna be happy about seeing her again, maybe cause Eddie or Chim get hurt and have to be evacuated??

And what About the coach metaphor? I would really like to be related to buddy in the season finale… so crossed fingers!!

Now we have the poker scene coming soon… I hope it helps with our case 🙏🏻

Sorry for the long ask and for my English, not a native!!!

B

Sorry your shift was hard darling, hope you're well rested now.

Ryan said he's on board too, in fact, he's the one who named this ship all those years ago in S2.

Fun fact: Out of the two of them, Ryan is the one who portrayed a gay character before. So both of them would be on board.

I don't know why Buck would be unhappy to see Lucy, I'm guessing that maybe one of the 118 would indeed be injured, Joaquin sedillo did post this pic on his ig story, a couple of days back.

So I'm guessing it's not Lucy showing up, so much as the reason she shows up with the air support. She was wearing a flight suit, so I'm guessing maybe smoke jumper, or med-evac.

Since this is the ambulance, and we've seen several bts vids and shots of it showing that it's the 118 ambulance, I'm guessing Chimney or Hen. Probably Chim, though. He's due, and there will be an episode called death and taxes, that I believe will be the foreshadowing for this episode.

As for that damned couch, lol, I want the one his mother got him to spontaneously catch fire and for him to finally get his act together and just pick Eddie, I mean, pick a couch with Eddie. 😉❤️

I'm really hoping the Poker game night will be a date night or a boys' night out turned date. I mean, we can dream, right? 👀🤗💜

The boys do look handsome in that picture, though, aren't they? 😍🔥

[papermint-airplane]

I promise I will be a better Simblr soon! 😭 There's been such an adjustment period coming back to Tumblr for the first time in years. I'm like... what do I do with this thing? Stories? Legacies? Random screenshots with no context? All of the above??? Is it ok to interact with other Simblrs? Is me liking every post annoying? Because I genuinely like everything. Teach me the rulesssss. 😭😭

No but seriously, I have a ton of stuff I want to post and I'm going to set up a queue one of these days. I don't know if I can do continuous narratives since my brain is all over the place all the dang time these days but I wanna get more involved here. The Sims community is one I have such deep love for.

Like, not to get too personal but... you know what, it's my blog, whatever, fuck it. The Sims games and the community as a whole has given me so much comfort in dark times. When I got the Sims 1 at 16, I was trapped in a shitty home with abusive Fundie parents, no friends, and newly developing mental illnesses. The Sims gave me something to do to get my mind off things. Gave me some of the control I never had in my life. When Sims 2 came out two years later, I discovered the community through image boards (remember those, fellow Millenials?) and never looked back. At a time when I desperately needed friends, these strangers with their cute little pixel people showed me more love than my parents ever did.

Years later, due to circumstances, I fell out of the community and couldn't even play the game anymore. Things changed, I changed. I got medication, I got into therapy, I started trying to make sense of what happened to me. In 2020, when the pandemic hit, I was so scared and confused like eveyone else. I ended up turning to the one thing that gave me comfort 20 years ago when I was a teenager. I am so glad I did.

Not only do I absolutely love my game, I've made so many wonderful new friends from r/sims3 on Reddit. I'm able to express myself again in a way that I thought was lost forever. I've always been a writer but the years of trauma and mental illness took my words away from me. Playing the Sims again has brought the words flooding back. I get so much joy from writing about my beloved Sims and reading others' stories.

I'll never say anything like "the Sims cured my depression" because that's a total lie. I'm still depressed, I'm still traumatized, I'm still on meds and in therapy and will be possibly forever. But this community gives me an outlet that has turned out to be one of the healthiest, most positive hobbies I think I've ever had. I will always be grateful for that.

So yeah. That's all I have to say. I didn't think this would be so long but I guess I just wanted to express my appreciation for this community. I look forward to getting to know other Simblrs and sharing my little world. I just enjoy being here and posting what makes me happy.

If you read this far, I feel like I owe you an apology lol. I won't apologize, though, because my therapist says I do that too much and I shouldn't be sorry to be myself. So, if you're still here, I'm just going to say thank you for seeing me.

[rowanwolf]

The number of times I have to stop myself laughing or commenting on things (in response to comments no one else will have heard) in public or like remind headmates about speech patterns... It's kind of exhausting.

I'm pretty sure now that Firekeeper has been around since I was 14. If not earlier, but definitely around that point in my life. The other two are recent, but Firekeeper as an entity actually predates my awareness of her current form by about 6 years. She's a fictive and I didn't come across the series she's from until I was about 20 or 21. Blind Seer showed up the better part of a year ago. Anthony is newer - probably within the last 6 months - but still. Firekeeper is going on 20 years old. After having reexamined some things I always thought were normal and having discussed those things with my very much a singlet bestie and my pseudo-brother who is actually not a singlet, much to my surprise, I've come to the conclusion that Firekeeper has been around a long time, she just fronts so rarely that I didn't realize what she was.

My bestie is wanting me to talk to my counselor about the dissociation. Bu that hasn't been as bad since I've stopped trying to fight these guys. I'm having far fewer memory gaps and I feel a lot more in control. Even if I don't remember something, often times I'm aware of it. I just had to quit fighting them. So I'm not completely sure I want to talk to my counselor about it. I mean, I've got time to think about it, since she canceled my appointment again. I would really love to get back on my ADHD meds, but I guess that's not happening anytime soon... Regardless, I'm not convinced that's a good idea.

On a more positive note, I have started having involuntary phantom shifts again. Which feels like a weird thing to be happy about, but it's definietly a comfort. My wolf shifts I'm still having trouble trusting because of Blind Seer. But my gryphon shifts, that's all me. I don't have another gryphon hanging out in my head, that's just me. And like before, work seems to bring the gryphon out very strongly. I think I was just so focused on everything with the headmates it drowned a lot of things out. I'm kind of regaining my sense of equilibrium and I have to say it's a huge relief.