#like genuinely i am having such a good time in the supernatural fandom (provided i block the right tags)

[castielafflicted]

Please understand that I am kicking my feet in excitement every time someone new follows me or reblogs my posts!!! I haven't been active in an actual fandom in so long and even then it was never like this. It's a sense of community that I was too scared to feel at 17, but now am delighted in.

[highfunctioningflailgirl]

I think I got most of the rant out in the A03 comments, but this won’t be very coherent either.

anyway, yeah, I just found your hurt/comfort coda SPN fic, and I am not getting over it anytime soon. It’s far beyond good and into words-aren’t-working territory.

Just wanted to say thank you for the nth time. I will absolutely be re-reading and coming back as I watch more episodes.

goodness I’m having such a good experience getting into SPN. How did I never know this show existed?

Your flurry of comments made my day, @examishbookwyrm! They were so heartfelt and immediate and genuine. My jaw dropped when I received all those notifications! Thank you so, so much! 🥰

I remember how it felt for me when I discovered Supernatural, not even two years ago. I fell head over heels, wondering, like you, how I could’ve not known about the show when it was still running! I regret coming so late to the party, but, amazingly, it’s all still there - the love, the crazy fandom, the fanfic!

Welcome to the emotional rollercoaster this show and everything that comes with it provides, @examishbookwyrm! And welcome to my lovely little following of readers. I hope I can keep delivering with my stories. I’ve been working on the next Damage Control series chapter over the weekend, and your comments have given me quite a boost. Thank you!🙏

Have a wonderful Sunday!☀️

[big-meows]

ty @bobtheacorn for the tag!!

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

25 written/cowritten, 1 I provided illustrations for

2. What's your total AO3 word count?

161,862 give or take! I subtracted the contents of This is How We Grow by @partly-cloudyskies which I only drew for, but not the self indulgent OC project cowritten with @jofngve, even though they did most of the writing

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Currently: Twisted Wonderland; Historically: Ducktales, Infinity Train, Luca, Outer Wilds, Trolls World Tour, Zelda, Vtubers. Some of those are only one-offs because I said the thing I needed to say and moved on.

4. Top five fics by kudos?

God Only Knows (Luca) @ 1380

Something to do with my hands (Infinity Train) @ 945

Anthem for the Motel Tamarack (Infinity Train) @ 550

Albireo (Infinity Train) @ 526

Stand By Me (Ducktales) @ 488

Wild to me that the rymin series is so far up there? I was not in IF fandom for very long before the community soured and I bailed BUT I shant complain, those were good boys and I liked the time I spent with them (HASHTAG RENEW INFINITY TRAIN)

5. Do you respond to comments?

I try. Like, especially if someone took the time to write a lot, I try to engage to at least say thank you, because it makes ME really happy when an author responds to MY comments (and assures me I didnt just stick my foot in my mouth or overstep a line or something lol) I have a lot of anxiety about leaving comments because I followed a writer in the Zootopia fandom who was REALLY vocal about how she hated certain comments or commentary, typo corrections or "I've never read this kind of au BUT..." comments and I got REAL in my head about comment etiquette for a LONG time. BUT! Comments and feedback are so vital to me so I try to comment and respond to comments so everyone feels seen and maybe we can make a connection? My Luca fandom friend group is still going strong because we were so incredibly aggressive about supporting one another.

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

The Apex of a Bad Decision. It's a canon-compliant Outer Wilds, fic, so. :,)

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Most of the rest of them! I'm squishy!!! But I think the most obviously and deliberately triumphant one is God Only Knows.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

I don't think I've gotten hate on a fic since I posted Wilbur Robinson self-cest to Livejournal in 2007, when WHY IS THIS GAY was a common response to slashfic. I've gotten plenty of hate for having an online presence while shipping kids or teenagers, but not on the fic itself (that I can recall!)

9. Do you write smut?

Sure! Not often. It's always a character exploration and I know how that sounds but I promise its true! It's always about being open and vulnerable and baring souls and loving and taking care of someone who needs to be loved and taken care of. I don't think I've ever written genuinely horny smut, not that I'd know because I dont really get horny. People (antis) have this idea that everyone is writing smut with one hand down their pants and that we're "getting off" on it and are perhaps ignorant to the fact that sex is not inherently a base filthy thing, its emotional and vulnerable and full of feelings and teenagers have those feelings too and writing about teens having those feelings does not mean I am inherently jerking it to teenagers fucking. Im EMOTIONALLY jerking it to teenagers having BIG FEELINGS. that's different.

10. Craziest crossover?

I've never written a crossover! FUCK I forgot the mystery teens summer. There was a specific summer (*googles* August 2012!) when gravity falls was at it's peak and Paranorman had just come out and tumblr as a hivemind decided Norman Babcock, the Pines twins, Raz Aquato (Psychonauts) and some other kids from various supernatural media needed to meet and hang out, like a much briefer superwholock or rise of the frozen tangled dragons. the big ship at the time was Dipper/Norman. I mightve done a quick ficlet posted to tumblr in that time frame. When summer ended, the phenom ended abruptly exactly as if we had all left summer camp and gone back home.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Nnnnot to my knowledge!

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

I've had plenty of requests! I don't know if they've ever finished/gone through with it, though. I'd be a hypocrite if i wasnt in favor of it, considering how much time I spend screenshotting jamikali doujin and feeding it through google translate lmao

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

I didn't think I ever would, but the time jo and I spent doing OC stuff together was a delight, though tbf they did most of the heavy lifting. I don't know if I would do it again...I feel like the OC stuff worked because we built it from the ground up but idk if I could do a fandom thing the same way, what if we had slightly different opinions on a blorbo and I had to COMPROMISE? idk man

14. All time favourite ship?

ohhhhhhhh idk if i can answer that. Whatever I love in the moment is is my otp. The rest simmer on the backburner but whatever the mental illness deems is the priority is the only thing I could ever conceive of loving this much. I think Weblena might have done the most brain damage to me. I wrote the most fic for it, I made the most art for it, I was team weblena for more years than anything else, I endured the most shit for them without giving up. But at this exact moment in time I'm like "those were very nice girls and i loved them very much and I know they made me insane for literal years but surely they dont compare to the truly unhinged mania i feel for sexy anime schoolboy jafar and sexy anime schoolboy sultan of agrabah" (it is the same level of mania, actually)

15. What's a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

idek if i want to finish it but I had a few sunfish (iykyk) drafts kicking around that could have been good. Its a good ship imo and I wanted to get into the whole "I know I've kind of adopted you as my surrogate dad but what if that was a hasty decision and we kissed instead" angle but then I developed a severe case of cringe avoidance and I wont be doing anymore vtuber fic lol

16. What are your writing strengths?

I'm told I do good at characterization which is a relief because when I write I feel like the first stage of any "galaxy brain" meme where I'm thinking in only two dimensions orz Also! Its very flattering but whenever I create an OC to fill a necessary role in a fic people really seem to enjoy them.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Action... The boring but necessary filler that gets you from point a to point b.... I can only write in 2nd person and i know I KNOW everyone fucking hates it and people wont even TOUCH 2ndPOV but it flows so EASILY when i dont have to stop and juggle pronouns or even names!!! i feel more thoroughly seated in the POV character's head! it lubricates the process and sometimes I think i only ever get anything done ever because i write in 2ndPOV im sorry!!! Im sorry but I wont change!! its more important that I get the demons out than it is that you read my fic.

18. Thoughts on dialogue in another language?

Sparingly and with Purpose! (<<Bob I'm stealing your answer) (i realize your name is not actually bob but I've been calling you bob in my head for years now sorry) I used italian vocab occasionally in Luca fic because it's used heavily in the movie to create a sense of unfamiliarity for the boys who were trying to integrate themselves into human society but didn't understand most things they encountered. It's soooooo bad when done wrong, though. I'll never shut up about the jamikali fic i opened that had Jamil call Kalim habibi in the first paragraph, I almost threw my phone across the room. Like first of all they don't do that in the source material, any arabic used is very clearly in the context of an "old/ancient language" that no one is speaking on the daily and second of all he would not fucking say that!!!!!

19. First fandom you wrote in?

The Sonic 2 fanfic i tried to write back in 1993 is between me and the lisa frank notebook kept under my bed. My first published-on-the-internet fic was the aforementioned Wilbur Robinson (Meet the Robinsons) self-cest. I went back to ff.net to see if it was still there and if I could rewrite it (it would rule in 2ndPOV actually) but..........its gone. Either it got purged or I purged it myself during the ducktales cyberbullying fiasco. First fandom of current era fic writing was Ducktales. (thank you ducktales for all youve done for me)

20. Favourite fic you've written?

God Only Knows is probably the best thing I've ever written, but picking apart the world building in Outer Wilds for Apex was really fun and rewarding and when I get feedback on it its always (crying emoji) (crying emoji) (sad face emoji) (skull emoji) which is ALSO fun and rewarding but in a totally different way.

tagging @jofngve @partly-cloudyskies and uhhhh anyone else if they wanna!

[jessmalia]

Do you have any problematic ships?

Yeah, a couple. I mean, everyone’s definition of problematic is different, so I’d say we all do according to someone, but I have a couple I myself would put under that label.

The biggest one is Samruby from Supernatural. I am soooo crazy about them. And well, she does manipulate him to free the devil and start the apocalypse BUT THEY WERE IN LOVE AND SHE THOUGHT IT WAS A GOOD THING LIKE SHE GENUINELY THOUGHT SHE WAS BEING ALTRUISTIC but yeah no it was not a healthy relationship (BUT it could’ve developed into one if the writers hadn’t fridged her and Cas was literally doing the exact same thing to Dean). 

I have also admitted enjoying Delena from The Vampire Diaries... and yeah, he killed her brother once and has abused several of her friends and is literally a serial killer but the reason I casually enjoy them is because I think they provide exactly what the other wants out of a relationship (it just happens to be that they’re both pretty selfish in that regard lol). This is all kind of cancelled out by the fact that I ship Bamon a hundred times harder. Though you could also argue that they’re problematic simply because Damon sucks so hard, but almost every ship in this show includes at least one serial killer and a 100 year old age difference so that’s just something you’re gonna have to accept if you watch it lol. 

There’s another former ship of mine that’s kind of problematic. I didn't stop shipping them because of that though, lol. They just stopped interesting me I don’t even know why. Anyway, it’s Percico from Percy Jackson. Their thing is the age difference. I’ll admit that four years when you’re teenagers is kind of dicey. I always interpreted it as Nico being 10 but just about to turn 11 when TC  starts making it 3 years instead. The wiki page is against me but I have no idea if it’s actually confirmed in the books so my interpretation COULD be valid, and three years is a lot better in my opinion. But there are several people who are against the ship for this reason. 

OH HOW COULD I FORGET! I very hardcore ship Jenate from Gossip Girl. Already gone into that at length here!

I also got my start in fandom by shipping Drarry. I wouldn’t really consider myself a shipper anymore but they’ve definitely still got a special place in my heart. 

Thanks for the question it was fun lol!

[synesindri]

Survey Writing Guide: Fandom Edition

Sooo! People are collecting survey data on fandom! Makes sense — fandom is an interesting population to study, and getting data on attitudes/behaviors/etc is a great way to try to find out the truth about popular points of contention about media. To get unbiased, meaningful data, though, you’ll want to make sure your survey is in good shape. This is a guide to try to help you do that.

I am assuming, if you are reading this, that you want your survey to be unbiased and interpretable, sampling from as many viewpoints as possible and getting data on opinions you might agree and disagree with. In other words, I am assuming that you want to do your fandom research in good faith. If that is not why you are making a fandom survey, then you can ignore this whole post. I would ask you to reconsider running a bad-faith fandom survey, but I can’t stop you. But just know that my assumption is that you’re out here in the honest pursuit of truth.

I’m not accusing a survey of being done in bad faith if it doesn’t follow my suggestions. I also realize most people are conducting these surveys in their spare time because they’re passionate & curious, not for the purpose of serious publication or whatever. I’m not telling you that you have to follow all or even any of the advice here. Do what you feel good about doing. Fandom should be fun! 

This guide is only about surveys themselves, and will not help you get a good sample of your fandom. In other words, none of this advice will make sure your survey reaches obscure corners of your fandom, insular communities you aren’t in, or casual fans. A good survey is important, but it’s only one part of getting accurate data, and participation recruitment is a whole other thing. 

This is also only intended to help with survey setup, not analysis or results reporting. You can write a great, unbiased, easy to understand survey, and still present your results in a way that is biased/doesn’t include good information/is hard to understand. Furthermore, once your results are public, they’re out of your hands: you might be well-meaning, but please keep in mind that some people might use your data to make unfair or incorrect assumptions about others, support biased arguments, or generally behave unpleasantly. That’s just part of survey work; don’t let it stop you, but don’t be surprised if/when it happens.

Now, onto the survey tips ~

Think about how to structure your questions

Use multiple choice answers/avoid free response answers as much as possible. This is going to be really helpful for you when it’s time to analyze your data: it’s so much easier to analyze responses that are just clicks of a box than responses that require you to read someone’s long explanation of an opinion and try to figure out what they mean. It also makes answering easier on your participants: clicking a box is a lot easier for them than writing out what they think. Giving an option for them to expand on their answer in a free response text box is great, but try to capture as many possible responses as you can in multiple choice questions.

Consider: should participants be able to give more than one response per question? A good rule of thumb for this is if different responses to a question are mutually exclusive or not: if they are mutually exclusive, only give people the option of clicking one box; if they’re not, let them choose as many as they want. For example, if you want to know somebody’s ONE favorite season of a show, only let them choose one season. If you want to know ALL the seasons they like, give them the option to choose multiple.

Only include one question per question 

A LOT of surveys ask questions that are actually several questions in one, and that makes answering them difficult! For example, you might THINK you’re only asking one thing if you say “Are you introverted or shy?” as a yes/no question, but that is actually two questions: some people are introverted but not shy; some people are shy but not introverted; some people are both introverted and shy, and some people are neither. People who respond “yes” might mean they are one or the other or both, and people who respond “no” might mean they are one or the other or neither — and you’ll have no way of knowing, because your question was too ambiguous.

If you’re asking a question about a nuanced topic, make sure your question and possible responses are nuanced too

People in fandom have a lot of complex views, and giving them only a black-and-white way to tell you about those views means you will miss out on nuance and get inaccurate results. If you are wondering about opinions on a controversial pairing, asking “Do you think it’s okay to ship Reylo?” (for example) and only letting people respond yes or no is not going to capture the range of opinions that exist on Reylo. If you can include multiple answer boxes for people to click, do that! 

Analyzing free response data (where people can write their own answer) is hard on you, as the survey writer, and people might not feel like explaining their opinions. Definitely include a free response box if you want, but also provide a lot of options for responses. 

The more controversial the topic you’re asking about, the more nuance you should let your participants give in their responses. People in fandom often have very strong and very complex opinions about certain issues; you’ll want to make sure not to flatten those opinions too much, while still keeping them simple enough to analyze. Asking “do you enjoy reading fluff?” is (probably) not going to be too complicated, and you’ll likely be fine giving people 2-3 response options (yes/always, sometimes, no/never). But you should give a lot more response options if you’re asking “is it ever acceptable to ship two siblings together?”: some people will be fine with “yes, always” or “no, never,” but a LOT of people are going to want to specify conditions like “only if they are not blood relatives” or “only if it is framed as being bad” or “it’s acceptable sometimes but I personally avoid it,” etc. Make sure people without clear-cut opinions have the ability to give you their opinions too.

Use simple, clear language

Use language that is as simple and precise as possible. Keep questions short when you can. Avoid using a lot of slang and regional idioms: people come from all over the place in fandom, and might not know what you mean. People also have a lot of different reading levels: you want to make sure most of your participants can understand what you’re asking them. 

There are some terms you can assume everyone in your sample will know, and some that you can’t: it’s up to you to figure out which terms are which. For example, most people in tumblr fandom space will understand what a ship is. They might not know what “IC” means though, so you might need to write it out as “in character.” Further, pretty much everyone in the MCU fandom might know what “Stucky” is, but not as many will know what “Coulwhip” is. You can make these kinds of technical terms easier for people to understand by just writing out all abbreviations and writing all pairings in the Name/Name format.

Use neutral language and keep your personal opinions out of it

Avoid inserting your own opinions into your survey, even if you expect that almost everyone participating will agree with you. Even “obvious” jokes won’t read as jokes to everyone; you might upset/offend/put off some group of participants disproportionately such that they won’t complete the survey, and you’ll miss a chunk of data you want. This is a problem, because say, for example, you really want to know if people’s favorite Supernatural ship has any correlation to fans’ personality traits — but if you poked fun at Dean somewhere else in your survey in a way that made Dean fans click off the page, then you’re going to lose a lot of Dean fan data that it would have been really useful for you to have, since Dean is a very popular character to ship with a lot of other characters. 

A good-faith survey is also not the place to moralize. Fandom can be a very polarized place; you are not going to be able to predict which things you ask about are going to be morally objectionable to your participants, and if they’re going to agree with your moral judgments. Your results might surprise you! A survey where you hope to get accurate data is not the place to defend a problematic character you like or to call some group of shippers gross. Your best bet for not causing issues is to include stuff that’s controversial and to be as neutral about it as possible — for example, if you are asking about ships people like, include every reasonably popular ship (potentially excluding rarepairs/extreme rarepairs just because it’s hard to include all of those), even the ones you hate/think are harmful/whatever, and don’t comment on the goodness or badness of any of them. 

Avoid “leading” questions to avoid bias

If you say, “Do you love this awesome TV show?” that’s going to be awkward to respond to for everyone whose answer is anything other than “yes.” Something like “What is your opinion of this TV show?” (with responses like: I love it, I like it, I have mixed feelings about it, I am neutral toward it, I dislike it, and I hate it) will give you a better sense of people’s genuine thoughts.

Select your multiple choice options thoughtfully

Be as egalitarian as possible in the options you provide to your fandom-specific questions that aren’t free response. If you leave out a major character on a list of favorite characters, for example, your participants are going to wonder why you did that — and you might not get data about that character, especially if you don’t include a free response option. 

Avoid bias in your multiple choice answer options

If you ask people for their favorite and least favorite [something], make sure the list of [something] options for both of those questions is identical. For example, if you’re asking about people’s most liked and most disliked ships, make sure the list of ships you include for both questions is the same. Including Sylvie/Loki only on the “ship you most dislike” but not the “ship you most like” list might seem like a reasonable move to you if you don’t know anybody who (openly) likes Sylvie/Loki, but doing that will bias responses and make your data inaccurate. Some people will stop filling out the survey, some people who like Sylkie just won’t want to bother filling in the blank, some people might forget that they like Sylkie unless it’s right in front of their eyes as one of the response options, some people will feel judged and so they won’t answer your survey honestly, etc. 

Follow common best practices advice for demographic information

Collecting information on respondents’ ages, genders, race/ethnicity, employment status, education history, etc is, luckily, very common, so there are a lot of standard questions about those things. I’ll just go ahead and list what I sometimes collect in my own surveys:

Age: for anonymous fandom surveys, I suggest using age groups (under 13, 13-18, 19-25, 26-35, etc) instead of asking people for their precise ages. Just make sure to include all possible age brackets. For example, don’t assume everyone in fandom is under 50.

Gender: unless you want a lot of nuance in your responses, it’s typically enough to include a list like: man/boy or male, woman/girl or female, nonbinary, genderfluid or bigender, and other. If you are interested in trans people specifically, I suggest asking that in a separate question (like: “Do you identify as transgender?”), rather than including binary trans identities in addition to binary cis identities in the same question. The exception to this is if you are including a very long list of gender options.

Race/ethnicity: (disclaimer that most of the data I collect comes from the US, so my best practices are most suited to that population. I welcome any feedback about the best way to ask about this for an international and/or non-US population.) I typically ask something like: “Which category best describes you?” and then give the options: American Indian or Native Alaskan, Asian, Black, Hispanic or Latinx, Middle Eastern or North African, Pacific Islander or Native Hawaiian, White, and other. Ideally, this list should allow multiple responses, so that multiracial/multiethnic people can give accurate reports.

Employment status: “What is your employment status?” with responses: employed full time, employed part-time, unemployed and looking for work, unemployed and not looking for work, self-employed, homemaker, student, and retired. If possible, let this be multiple choice, so that, for example, people who are students AND work can select both applicable options.

Education level: “What is your highest level of education?” with responses: some high school, high school diploma or equivalent, some college, college degree, some graduate education, Master’s degree, Doctorate degree, professional degree (e.g. M.D., J.D., M.Div, etc) 

Sexual orientation: like with gender, you probably don’t need to provide a long, comprehensive list unless your survey is about sexual orientation specifically. Something like the following is probably enough to cover most of your respondents: “What is your sexual orientation?” with responses: straight/heterosexual, gay/lesbian/homosexual, bisexual, pansexual, asexual, and other. 

Other questions: just try to make sure you are providing response options that will cover the majority of your participants, and include an “other” option if you’re not sure you’ve covered everything. There are a fair number of basic best practices documents for common demographics questions that you can find through Google, so if you’re not sure how to ask something, give it a quick search. You can also ask people you know who might know more about some specific demographic quality than you do to weigh in!

That’s it for now! I hope you find this helpful, either in writing your own surveys, or in evaluating surveys you are participating in!

[angeloncewas]

I understand your point, but it's really not as black and white as you're making it out to be.

Ariana Grande has millions of fans. Not even that - tens of millions. Of all ages. And of course they're going to talk about her birthday. They're going to make fan-edits and they're going to make posts and they're going to celebrate a person they find happiness and comfort in.

And many of them will not have a single fucking clue about anything else going on. I have a fandom Twitter account for a TV show. Its so finely tuned in terms of preferences, followed blogs, ect, that I don't get any other content outside of that fandom. Young people may have restrictions on their accounts. Some people do not have the capacity or headspace for traumatic/negative content and so avoid it on their social media platforms.

Things of great magnification can and do coexist at one point in time. Supernatural tags were trending while Free Palestine was. People can discuss matters of importance while also discussing other things and while also taking respite and comfort in their hobbies and enjoyment.

At the end of the day - so much weight is placed on if a tag trends, as if it achieves anything except exposure. 85% of those posts that make up the tag are literally just singular posts depicting the hashtag and nothing else. Nothing useful like fundraisers or information. Statistics or references. Just a bunch of people tweeting out #freetheworld or something and thinking that's their activism quota hit for the month.

Trending a tag is good for exposure, but the fact that a tag is trending doesn't mean anything impactful is actually happening. Stop placing weight on if a tag is trending and start placing worth on what discussion is actually taking place.

I feel like you very much misconstrued my post, because you're literally arguing my own points back to me.

I've said this over and over: fandom is meant to be fun. I don't think activism is or should be a requirement in a fandom space and I've talked at great length about this (so much so that based on that discrepancy, I'm assuming you don't know me). I think that people should be allowed to tweet about whatever they want because Twitter is social media, not a true news site. I am extremely wary of the burnout these young kids are driving themselves toward with the ideology that if you post about something other than an issue when said issue is ongoing, you're a terrible person (you're not). I've posted so much about the very points you bring up that I'm sure my regular followers are absolutely sick of it.

To respond directly - I'm not "placing weight on if a tag is trending." I don't care if MCC trends or not ! My post was very directed and because of that - if it was presented without context - it may have come off differently. Basically, mcyttwt is demanding that people shut up about MCC in order to actively keep it from trending, so as to allow for focus on the Derek Chauvin case, and I was trying to point out the issues with this line of reasoning.

I have no problem with people tweeting about Ariana Grande, or sports, or anything else. My point in bringing her up was only to pick apart flaws in their reasoning. Stuff is going to trend regardless of what we do, so why should we be stifling the widespread popularity of an event whose proceeds are going to a life-saving cause? Especially if you really are focused on activism (because they're extremely performative, but claim not to be).

I'm so genuinely confused as to how you misinterpreted me to such a degree - I'm sorry if I was unclear, I was speaking from emotion rather than presenting a well-thought-out argument - and I hope this provides some clarity for you. Feel free to ask if you'd like some more explanation / discussion / whatever.

[fishoutofcamelot]

I admire your ability to be so open about the things your interested in I'm embarrassed I'm interested in things even without reason

I actually *am* super embarrassed about all my interests - heck, i have a hard time even telling people about my love for bbcm! In my defense tho, i used to get lowkey made fun of for my interests so idk

People who talk with me online may notice that i don't provide input as much as i do just mindless affirmations ("yes", "true", etc.) - and that's bc im anxious about my interests/opinions!! Im not just a simpering idiot who never provides input!! Im just an anxious wreck!!!!!!

But i find that the more I force myself to share my interests, the more comfortable i am with talking about them. It's partly how I've been overcoming my social anxiety these past few years (starting this blog has been immensely therapeutic tbh)

So, in honor of publicly embarrassing myself and owning it (and also the death of cringe culture), here's a list of some of my potentially weird or cringey interests:

Merlin (duh). Also im very gay for gwen. And I ship merwen! And merelyaine! And i don't like merthur!! And im not gonna be apologetic about it!!!!

Ninjago. Yes, the show about Lego people. I have rewatched it 6 times now, and am considering rewatching for a 7th. This is my comfort series and its genuinely really good (except season 6. We don't talk about season 6). Ready Player One walked so Ninjago's Prime Empire arc could run bc godDAMN it went hard. If you so much as breathe about this show to me, i will rant for probably a million years

Mystery Skulls Animated. My favorite episode is probably Hellbent, but Ghost and Future are a close second

Scooby Doo!!! I used to own upwards of 12 DVDs until my parents donated them! For context, that happened like 5 months ago. My favorite is Shaggy's Showdown and im not gonna let myself be ashamed of that!!

Danny Phantom! The fandom sums up my entire identity in a nutshell - memes, body horror, and memes about body horror

Anime! I like anime, such as My Hero Academia, Detective Conan, Mob Psycho 100, and a bunch of others

Supernatural. It sucks and its horrible and just thinking about it is giving me a stroke, but Sam's character arc makes me Feel Things

Watergate! I went through a phase in high school where i was weirdly obsessed with the Watergate Scandal and read/re-read the Smoking Gun transcripts like 13 times, and wrote a 20-page book about it with accompanying graphics. To this day i dont understand why

Parasites. Murder. The Black Plague. Anything dark and macabre and creepy, rest assured I've probably fixated on it. Ive even fixated on freaking rigor mortis - yknow, the process that causes your body to stiffen after death?

Baman Piderman. An objectively stupid and immature indie series that i absolutely ADORE

Pokemon! Not cringey, i don't think, but since we're pulling out all the receipts I'll just come out and say it: i think Alola is the best gen! Also Rhibombee will forever be my beloved fairy-type powerhouse (seriously tho, my sweet little Fly Chip was the strongest pokemon I've ever had. A consistent one-hit wonder)

I collect things! Sunglasses, novelty socks, colorful rubber bracelets - i wear four rubber bracelets at all times and am always on the hunt for more

Emo bands like Skillet, Three Days Grace, MCR, and Linkin Park. A bit of an old passion, and now im more into alt-indie these days, but those songs still do slap

Did that feel good? Nope! It felt like i just outed all the worst, lowest parts of myself and now yall are gonna be annoyed at me for oversharing. That's anxiety, baby! But I've found that i cope with my anxiety best by forcing myself to face it head on.

(That won't work for everyone tho, so don't take my word for it! Find what's best for you and stick with it)

Thanks for the ask <3

[demonsonthemoon]

More Real (Your Brutal Truth)

Fandom: Supernatural Pairings: N/A Word Count: 7581 Summary: Dean accidentally gets hit with a "gender-affirming potion." Except that, for him, it's anything but affirming. The hunting life hasn't really equipped him to deal with the fact that he's stuck in a female body for the next few months. Note: Title from Against Me!'s "Delicate, Petite & Other Things I'll Never Be.” I've seen some discourse going around about the "inherent transphobia" of certain fanfic tropes like genderbent AUs, mpreg or sex swaps. Those posts made me realize that I hadn't read any new sex swap stories in a while, despite them being hugely popular a while back. Now, that might be in part due to the fact that they were especially popular in the Supernatural fandom and that I had moved away from it, but I also think there genuinely aren't as many of them as they were before. Anyway, the point is that I've always enjoyed them, and while they can indeed rely on transphobic and essentialistic stereotypes there's also just SO MUCH potential for gender exploration in them. And this is why I decided to rub my greedy little trans hands all over the trope, because I will always prefer subvertion over cancellation.

Read it on AO3.

“You sold me out, you bitch, you-” The second witch jumped at Elena before either Dean or Sam got the time to draw their weapons. She wasn't supposed to arrive this soon, they hadn't been ready, and if they didn't do something, one more person would get hurt. Sure, said person was a witch, and usually Dean would have said good riddance to her, but Sam had done a thorough job of convincing him that not all witches were the same, and Elena had actually been helpful so...

So Dean jumped into the fray, dragging the second witch (he couldn't help but call her The Evil Witch in his mind) away from Elena. The woman whispered a spell, and Dean was tossed across the room, hitting a set of shelves. His vision darkened, but at least he had the satisfaction of hearing a shot ring out before he lost consciousness. Sam would do what he had to do, Dean wasn't worried.

Turns out he should have been worried. But not about the Evil Witch. About the bottles that had been broken in his fall and whose content had been splashed all over him.

“And there's no way you can change him back? Give him the opposite potion so the effects counteract each other.”

“That's not how it works, the potion acts on your current shape, if we tried to turn him back that way, his body wouldn't be right. If it worked at all. The spell is designed to be unbreakable. That's what it's for. But it's only temporary, it won't do any damage. He'll just turn back to his normal body after a while.”

“How long?”

“It depends on the person, on the metabolism. I can't say...”

“Give me an estimate.”

“Between two to four months? Sometimes it lasts longer than that, but usually not less.”

“Four months. He has to stay like this for four months?”

Dean figured it was past time he woke up properly and found out what this conversation was all about. The first thing he noticed was that he was no longer on the floor, but had been moved to a couch. That meant he'd probably been out of it for a little while, which wasn't great news. Sam and Dean really couldn't keep getting knocked out as much as they did and still avoid brain damage. Statistically speaking, it would be a miracle.

He opened his eyes slowly, mindful of any potential headache.

“And he's just... He's fully...”

“Yes,” Elena replied through gritted teeth. “I told you, that's what those potions do.”

“Yeah, okay, I get it, I just...”

Dean sat up, and the movement must have caught Sam's gaze because he immediately moved towards him.

“Dean. Hey. How are you feeling?”

Dean stretched his shoulders, still coming back from the haze of unconsciousness. “I'm fine.” His voice sounded weird, so he coughed a little.

“Don't freak out, okay? But there's been... an issue.”

“This is literally the worst way you could have phrased it if you didn't want me to freak out.”

Wow. His voice really did sound weird. What was up with that?

He ran a hand over his face, trying to shake out his wooziness. His cheeks were... surprisingly soft. He'd shaved that morning, sure, but it was nearly evening know, so his five o'clock shadow should have already settled in.

“You broke some potions when you fell. Nothing dangerous, okay? But you're...”

Dean pushed his brother away, sitting up straighter. He looked down at himself.

“What the fuck?”

“They're gender-affirming potions,” Elena said, drawing Dean's attention away from what were definitely breasts on his chest. “It's not dark magic. It helps some people, when they can't access hormones or surgery.”

“Gender-affirming potions?”

“You know,” Sam replied awkwardly. “For transgender people. It's like...” He winced. “A sex change.”

Dean looked down at himself again. At his breasts and the way his t-shirt fell awkwardly over them, too large for his frame. At his jeans beyond that, and the way they were too large around his hips despite the belt that was supposed to hold them in place.

“What the actual fuck?” He couldn't help himself and put a hand to his chest, cupping one of his boobs just to make sure that it was really there, that it was real.

“Dean!” Sam exclaimed in protest.

He could take his prudishness somewhere else though, because Dean was freaking out. “You mean that I'm a woman now?”

“Your body's female, yes,” Elena explained. “Temporarily.”

“You need to change me back.”

“Like I told your brother, I can't. No one can.”

“This is bullshit. I can't just be-”

“Dean, come on, it's not her fault.”

Dean was about to protest again, because it was definitely not his fault either, this was what he got for trying to help a witch, he'd known it was a bad idea... He stopped when he noticed the expression on Elena's face. She wasn't revelling in this like someone who had just gotten their ways or played a bad joke. She looked sorry and, more importantly, she looked scared.

Dean forced himself to take a deep breath and calm down.

“Okay. Fine. So, what do we do? We just... wait? I'm just supposed to live like this for several months and pretend everything's fine?”

Elena shrugged. “Loads of people do it. For what it's worth, I really am sorry. This is the opposite of what those potions are meant for.”

“Yeah, sure. Whatever. If you can't help, we'd better just go. Before another one of your spell goes off in a way it isn't meant to.”

Dean knew he was being too harsh, but he couldn't help it. The way his voice sounded kept irritating him, and now that he'd noticed it, he could feel the ways in which his body wasn't the same as before. He felt like he had a good excuse for being snappish.

He'd pulled his belt as tight as it would go and still needed to regularly pull his jeans up from where they threatened to fall off his frame. What a ridiculous situation.

He'd had to pull the bench-seat forward in the impala to reach the pedals comfortably, because turning into a woman had apparently also made him a good two inches shorter. Which was bullshit. Tall women existed.

He'd thrown a glare Sam's way, daring him to comment or complain about how he was missing his leg room. His brother hadn't said anything. He kept giving Dean short glances out of the corner of his eyes as he drove. It pissed Dean off, although the rational part of him knew that it was normal for Sam to be freaking out about this as well.

Dean got out of the car as soon as they'd pulled into the parking lot of the motel they'd booked the night before. He made a beeline for their room and didn't even wait for Sam to walk in before he locked himself into the bathroom.

With some trepidation, Dean started pulling off his clothes, starting with his shoes and jeans, then his t-shirt, until he was standing in his boxers and socks.

He raised his eyes and looked into the mirror.

For a while, he couldn't move. It as possibly the strangest thing he'd ever experienced. The reflection looking back at him was both decidedly him and not him. His face was thinner and a little softer than it had been, without any visible facial hair. But at the same time, his eyes were exactly the same as they'd been before, just like his hair.

Then there were the more obvious difference, i.e. his chest. He had boobs. Not too small either. Once again, he couldn't resist the urge to grab them, just to check that they were really there, that they were really his.

Touching them was weird. Not bad weird, but not really good weird either. Considering how much he liked touching girls' breasts, he was kind of confused that the only feeling being able to grab his own provided him with was bewilderment.

Dean stared at his boxers. He knew he needed to check. Knew he wanted to check. To be honest, he already knew that the change was as complete as Elena had promised. But he couldn't not check, right?

So he dropped his underwear and looked at himself. He looked and he felt... not much, really. That was weird, right? That was most definitely weird. He had a vagina, for fuck's sake. Of course he was supposed to feel something.

Dean had heard his brother close the door, so he knew that he was sitting in the next room, being thoughtful and giving him space. It made him feel a little guilty about what he did next, but once again... He couldn't not, right?

So he touched himself. Just a little. Just to see what it felt like. He let his fingers skim over the lips of his vagina, then trailed them upwards to gently press against his clit.

This was so weird.

This was so, so weird.

He stopped. He stopped before the sensation became more than that. A sensation, not yet really pleasure. He pulled his hand away and closed his eyes for a moment. Breathing.

His pulled up his boxers, put on his t-shirt again, and gathered his jeans in his arms. He didn't want to put them on again, not if they kept falling down. He had some sweatpants in his duffel. Those might hold better.

Four months. He was supposed to stay like this for four months.

Fuck. He was going to have to shop for clothes.

Sam didn't comment on his state of undress when he came out. “You okay?”

Dean shrugged. “I'm fine.”

“Dean-”

“Look, I don't want to talk about it right now, okay? I just got turned into a girl by a witch and am going to have to stay that way for the foreseeable future. I don't know how I fucking feel about it. Weird. I feel weird! But I'm fine, and talking about it isn't going to change things.” He dropped his jeans on his bed, then turned to his duffel and put on his sweatpants. Back turned to Sam, he added: “I'm gonna need to buy some clothes.”

“Yeah. Right. We... We can go tomorrow. I can... I'll grab some takeout for us to eat, okay?”

“Sure. Yeah. Good idea.”

“Okay.”

When Dean didn't add anything, Sam grabbed his wallet and moved to leave the room.

“Don't forget the pie!” Dean called after him, finally turning to face him.

“Of course not,” Sam said with a smile.

A kind smile.

He closed the door and Dean groaned. He knew he was about to be on the receiving end of a lot of those smiles in the coming week. Which was bullshit. His body had turned female. It wasn't as if he was sick or anything.

Dean put a hand on his stomach.

Shit. Elena had said that her potion turned your body fully into that of another sex. Did that mean he was going to have his period?

Going clothes shopping the next day was just as awkward as Dean had anticipated. He dragged Sam into a Goodwill, figuring that at least in a second-hand store no one would find him weird for picking up way too many items and trying all of them on. It took him five tries to find a pair of jeans that actually fit him. He put a skirt into his basket without trying it on and without looking at Sam. Shirts were easier, although most t-shirts were annoyingly thin and let the shape of his nipples show through.

How was he even supposed to begin figuring out his bra size?

He categorically refused to set foot in a lingerie store. The small little shops all had women wearing bright friendly smiles in them, and he knew they would ask him whether he needed help and he would have no idea how to reply and he just wouldn't. So they went into a department store, and Sam hovered over him awkwardly as he walked to the underwear department.

Finding out that sports bra came in standard shirt sizes was a relief. Dean was ready to take a pass on the chance to wear sexy underwear if it meant not having to try on 5 different bras. So he took two of the sports one in the same size as his t-shirts and didn't look at Sam until they were back in the car.

They went back to their motel room. They'd booked another night since they didn't already have a new hunt planned. (Technically, Sam had booked another night, because Dean didn't really want to know how the reception clerk would react if he saw his new face.)

“Go ahead if you want to...” Sam started, gesturing towards the bathroom.

Dean sighed, but carried the bags of new clothes inside with him.

Changing was slightly easier than it had been the day before. He wasn't used to his new body, far from it. But at least the ways it moved and the new sensations had stopped being as foreign. At least it felt like his body again. Different, but still his.

Dean pulled out one of the two pairs of jeans he'd bought. It had strass lining the pockets, which Dean didn't feel great about, but well. When in Rome.

He put those on over his boxers (He was not going to wear panties. Out of the question. Especially not with his brother there.), then put on the sports bra. The sensation was weird, but not much more than the feeling of his boobs moving when he walked had been. He put a branded white t-shirt over it. Finding a simple t-shirt that didn't have a horrifying design printed on it had been surprisingly difficult. This one had been his only decent find, but Dean had figured that he could always just wear his regular stuff. Oversized shirts were a thing with women, right?

He finished his outfit by putting the flannel he'd picked that morning back on. It was warm enough outside to go without, he supposed, but he wasn't ready to relinquish his layers. He rolled up the cuffs of his sleeves, then stared at his reflection.

He walked out of the bathroom.

“I look like a lesbian.”

Sam looked up from his laptop, where he'd probably been looking for a new case. “What do you- Oh.” He started laughing, then tried to hide the giggles behind his hand.

Dean rolled his eyes. “Come on. Don't be shy. I said it first.”

Sam tilted his head to the side, still laughing slightly. “I mean... Yeah. You kind of do. Jeans and flannel, you know?”

“I'm not going to wear one of those floral blouses, absolutely not happening.”

“But, well, it's not a bad thing, is it? I mean, you do like women, so...”

“Yeah. Straight women. 'Cause I'm a guy.”

“I know! I know, dude, I just mean... I just mean it's not too bad if people assume you're a lesbian. Might stop some straight guys from trying to flirt with you.”

Dean grimaced at the possibility. He had already considered it, had in fact spent most of the morning avoiding looking at people's faces so as to ward off any attention.

The thing was, he didn't care if it was a guy or a girl. The idea of anyone flirting with him while he was in this body just felt wrong. He wasn't about to explain that to Sam though, because the man was too smart for his own good and might pick up on the subtexts that there were times when Dean would be comfortable getting flirted on by a guy, and that was one of many conversations that Dean didn't want to have with his brother. “I guess.”

“Hey. Don't worry about it. You look fine.”

“Yeah. Thanks.”

It did get easier after that. Once he got past his original discomfort, Dean set out to explore the possibilities of this new body more thoroughly. He wasn't about to wear a sexy dress or whatever, but he just let himself... be. Stopped hunching in on himself to hide away, which didn't feel natural to him in any body. He let his body be a body, and found it quite interesting to notice the differences between how people interacted with him now in comparaison to before. Especially women. Comments that would have obviously been taken as attempts to flirt in his old body were now received like honest compliments. He never got anything more than a smile and a thank you out of them, but there was often something so honest in that smile that Dean couldn't feel mad about it. Sam – who was in on the joke, obviously – found it kind of hilarious.

Another thing that was seriously throwing off Dean's flirting game was the fact that he and Sam kept being mistaken as a couple. And sure, considering that this had happened before when they both looked like guys should have prepared him for it, but it was still infuriating. A girl and a guy could hang out together without being a couple. And, yes, Dean and Sam had different hair colors and body types, but they were still brothers. Couldn't people see that?

Dean's exploration of his female body also took a more... hands on turn. Becoming female didn't mean that he'd lost his libido. Besides, weren't all guys curious about what sex felt like for girls? So Dean touched himself. In the shower, like he usually did, because Sam was always in the next room. (It was frustrating sometimes, but Dean would never trade privacy for the sense of loneliness that had settled in his bones when Sam had left for Stanford.)

He quickly figured out that sitting down would be a lot easier that staying up. So he did just that, settling himself on the tile of the shower floor, back to the wall, and spreading his legs.

He watched his fingers trail the length of his vagina to settle on his clit. He rubbed against it sotfly, experimentally. The sensation was strange, diffuse and too much all at once, like he was already overstimulated despite barely feeling anything.

He kept going. Soon the sensations changed, growing more familiar along with his arousal. He trailed his fingers lower once again, between the lips of his cunt and... yeah. He was wet. The sensation was a complete mindfuck, and Dean had to close his eyes as he slipped a finger inside of himself. Once again, the feeling wasn't what he'd expected. Not that he'd consciously imagined something but... yeah. He moved his finger around a little, trying to keep on rubbing his clit with his other hand at the same time. The angle wasn't great, which was really frustrating. He pushed another finger inside himself, still not looking, curled them upwards a little and... okay. He felt... something. Something good. He kept pushing in and out, a little more insistantly and maybe... he used his thumb on the same hand to rub against his clit as he moved and that was... really nice.

He felt his muscles clench as his orgasm approached, speeding up his rhythm even as his wrist started to hurt, frustration growing as he teetered on the edge.

And then the spasms started, and Dean struggled to keep any kind of rhythm at all as the sensation washed through him in several waves.

He stayed sitting for a few seconds, pulling out his fingers and washing the white fluids coating them in the flow of the running shower. He was careful as he stood up, legs still a little shaky. Washing himself down felt weird, as he was overly conscious of his vagina and the way the sensation of being stretched open still lingered.

He didn't spend much more time in the shower much after that, and walked out and into the bedroom as usual. After all, this was the usual. He jerked off in the shower all the time.

The next step was to actually wear the skirt he had impulsively bought in the charity shop. He told both himself and Sam that it was only a way to look the part when they went to talk to some witnesses for a case. They were supposed to be insurance investigators, so his usual butch look wouldn't work as well.

Sam didn't seem convinced, but he didn't say anything. That was pretty much his entire policy on this whole sex-change thing. He did what he had to do to sell their covers when they were out in public and acted as if nothing had changed in private. Dean had to goad him into making any kind of comment or joke. It was... nice, Dean guessed. Thoughtful, definitely, even though it didn't really make Dean any more comfortable. Joking was his go-to coping mechanism. Sam's silent respect only made him feel like this was a bigger deal that it really was.

Just like wearing a skirt wasn't a big deal. He just... wanted to try how it felt. (He did go back to a department store to buy himself some tights, because shaving his whole legs wasn't something he wanted to do. And rocking a skirt with unshaved legs kind of went against the idea that he was wearing it to blend in in the first place.)

And it actually felt... nice. Lighter than wearing jeans, allowing him a freer range of movements. (To an extent. Sam had to nudge him as they were seated on one of the witnesses' couch so that he would close his legs.) It felt even better without the tights on, which Dean figured out when they went back to their motel room to wait for nightfall before they broke into the cemetary to salt and burn the local vengeful spirit.

Sam avoided his gaze a lot during that evening, but he also didn't say anything. Dean knew the skirt thing was weird. Most of the time he shed his feminine clothes as soon as they were alone, reverting to sweatpants and old t-shirts. He would have to put on jeans again went they went out at night. But for now... it felt nice. Fun. It looked good and it was comfortable and... well. There weren't a lot of things about this situation that were comfortable, so couldn't he enjoy this one without overthinking it?

Three weeks into the spell, Dean's stomach started hurting. At first he thought he might have eaten something bad, but it wasn't the same kind of pain. Then he found blood in his boxers.

Fuck fuck fuck.

He'd known the day would come, because Elena's potion was very thorough, but knowing it in theory hadn't meant that it had actually felt real.

This was very real. At least they were back in their motel room and not in a witness's house. Having to excuse himself to change his underwear would have been a lot more awkward in that situation. It also explained why Dean had felt so horny the past three days.

“I need to go to the store,” Dean grumbled.

Sam hummed, barely looking up from his laptop. The thing they were hunting was apparently only talked about in some African legends, so finding a way to kill it had been slightly more difficult than expected. “Beer run?”

“Yeah,” Dean easily agreed, happy for the excuse.

Finding the personal hygiene section of the local supermarket hadn't been an issue. The problem was that Dean was then faced with a lot more options than he knew what to do with.

He didn't know how he felt about the idea of tampons, because sticking a wad of cotton in his vagina and carrying it around all day was just... uncomfortable.

So, pads. Was he supposed to get the normal ones? Bigger ones? Was the fact that there were special packs for the night something he should be worried about?

He took a pack of the bigger size, figuring it was better to be safe than story, then was struck by the thought that the pads wouldn't fit inside of his boxers and that he would have to by some panties after all.

Fuck his life and fuck Elena's potions.

In the end, he bought the menstrual pads, a pack of three pairs of black panties, some painkillers, and turned around last minute to grab a six-pack of beer as well.

Had to keep up his cover right?

He didn't look the cashier in the eye when he paid for his items, even though the middle-aged woman didn't seem particularly interested in his selection. Dean knew he had nothing to be ashamed off. This was all natural and blah blah blah. Except it wasn't natural, not for him. It was fucking witchcraft and it fucking hurt.

As soon as he was back in the motel room, Dean settled at the table, opened a beer and used it to wash down one of the painkillers.

“Are you okay?” Sam asked, looking at him over the screen of his laptop.

“Just peachy. You find how to kill this thing yet?”

“I think so. Maybe.”

“Maybe? I'm not sure if that's good enough, Sammy.”

Dean had thought that it would become more bearable as time went by. He'd thought that he would get used to his new body, that it would get easier not to frown when Sam called him Dee in public or when guys in the street looked him up and down.

Instead, it just grated on his nerves more and more. At first it had been weird, confusing. Then there had been a short while where it had been... almost fun. He'd been able to see it as a sort of experiment, and he'd played with it, hyping up his female persona as some sort of game. But now it just felt heavy. He was tired of not recognizing himself in the mirror, tired of the offended looks he got when he dared act like normal in this new body, like no one had ever seen a woman chew with her mouth open or stare at a waitress' ass. He was tired of pretending, tired of being judged, and tired of this fucking body that didn't belong to him.

Still a month and a half. At least.

Even hunting was weird now, because he was used to being taller, larger. It was also very frustrating that every monster they fought always immediately went for him, like being female per definition made him the easy target. So he'd taught some monsters a lesson or two about sexism. At least there was that.

Sam obviously noticed that something was wrong. His puppy eyes had basically been trained on Dean ever since the potion had hit, and they only intensified as soon as Dean's mood turned sour.

“Quit it, Sam. I'm fine. Just... tired of this fucking spell. But there's nothing we can do, right? So leave it alone.”

“Maybe we can't reverse it, but you could still talk about it, you know?”

“It's not because I'm a chick now that you get more chick flick moments. Don't even try.”

“Yeah, but that's the thing, Dean. You're not a chick, like you say. You just have the body of a woman and are forced to interact with the world like you're one, and don't try to bullshit me because I know it's not easy for you, I have eyes.”

“Yeah, well. Still doesn't change the fact that there's nothing to be done about it.”

Sam frowned, looking thoughtful. It was the kind of expression that indicated he'd just had an idea that would probably take some time to work through.

Dean left him to it, instead starting the series of pull-ups and push-ups he'd begun doing every evening to compensate for this new body's lower upper-body strength.

Dean hadn't been so dilligent about keeping in shape since his dad had been around to tell him off for not doing it, so the activity brought back some weird memories. At the same time, it allowed him to genuinely feel in his body, in control of it, despite whatever form it took.

So yeah, Dean had a woman's body now. But as long as nobody tried to talk to him, and as long as he had the fire in his muscles to focus on, he could ignore that. It was fine.

“What's this?” Dean asked, looking at the item Sam had just handed him. It vaguely looked like the sports bra that Dean always wore when they went outside, and he wondered if this was a jab at him for not washing his underwear enough.

“It's... uh.” Sam looked... embarrassed? Awkward, at least. “A binder.”

“A binder?”

“For your...” He gestured vaguely towards Dean. “Chest.”

Dean frowned. “And you had to buy me one because...?”

“Look, it's not like a bra or something. It's to... to flatten it.”

“What the fuck?”

Sam looked towards the ceiling, probably trying to find his words as much as not to snap at Dean for his lack of helpfulness.

Sue him. He was the confused one in this conversation.

“A binder is a garment that transgender men use to make their chest look flatter. More masculine.”

Dean stared at the piece of fabric in his hand, which basically looked like some sort of black tank top.

“Okay. So why did you buy me one?”

Sam threw his hands in the air. “Oh, I don't know, because I like throwing around money we don't have! Think for two seconds, Dean. I bought you one because Elena's potion is making you miserable. Because you've started flinching every time someone calls you Miss on the street. Because it feels really uncomfortable to have to call you Dee when we're out and I keep messing it up.”

“This isn't going to make me a dude again.”

Sam rolled his eyes. “You're already a dude. That's the whole point. But it can make you... Look like more of one. At least a little. I don't know. You don't have to wear it, I just... I just thought it would help.”

Sam's voice nearly broke over the end of his sentence. Dean suddently realized how helpless Sam was feeling in this situation. Taking care of each other was what they did. What they lived for. When there was nothing that they could do... It felt wrong. Painful.

So Sam was trying to help.

Dean still felt like there was something not quite right about his brother's reactions, though. Sure, this spell was a pain in the ass, and Dean could admit that he'd been acting in a pretty foul manner because of it, but it wasn't like they hadn't ever been in annoying magic-related situations before. It almost felt like there was... some personal stake for Sam in all of this.

But Sam hadn't said anything, and Dean wasn't going to ask. His brother wouldn't expect him to.

Instead, he wordlessly stood up, binder in hand, and went into the bathroom.

He'd been avoiding looking at himself in a mirror for a few days. Couldn't muster up any awe or curiosity anymore for this too-familiar and still foreign face that stared back at him. He looked now. Tried to see himself behind every little difference that amounted up to too much, to something that had become close to unbearable.

He undressed. As usual, he had ditched his sports bra when arriving at the motel, still not used to the feeling of it over his chest. The fact that the binder looked even more constricting did not make it sound like an inviting alternative. Still. He ought to try. For Sam's sake, but mostly for his own. He didn't know if hiding his chest would be enough for people to treat him as a guy again, but he did know that the novelty of grabbing his own boobs had worn out a long time ago.

Pulling the thing on was not exactly a pleasant experience, but Dean figured it out. It was indeed constrictive, though it still allowed him to breathe. Once properly in place, he was glad to noticed that he didn't actively feel the fact that his breasts were basically being squished against his torso.

He looked up towards the mirror.

It looked... It looked like Dean was wearing a weird tank top, instead of underwear. But his chest did look... flat. Almost normal, if not for the fact that Dean's usual body had broader shoulders. He turned to the side, looking for the telling bulge that insisted on changing his silouhette and making it so recognizable as female, but could barely see any curve at all.

Dean grabbed his t-shirt, one of his old ones, from the male section of a department store somewhere. He puts it on, then looked at himself again.

It's not perfect. Dean's face is still slightly too thin, slightly too soft, so it's not perfect. But Dean can sort of see himself again in his reflection, in the eyes that never changed and the way his gaze can slide down past his collarbones without catching on anything.

So maybe Sam's idea had some merit. He braced himself, then went back into the motel room. Stopping a few feet away from his brother, he ironically spun around, showing himself off.

“How does it feel?” Sam asked, ever the worried type.

Dean shrugged. “It's a little weird. I can feel it when I breathe too deep.” He did exactly that, feeling the fabric stretch to accommodate the rise and fall of his chest. “But it's okay.”

“Okay. Do you...” He trailed off, unconsciously biting his lower lip.

“Do I want to wear it? I don't know. Don't know if it's gonna be enough to... pass. Or whatever. But I guess I'll try?”

A shy smile. “Okay. Yeah. That sounds good.”

Dean could let it go. Should let it go. This isn't something he feels comfortable talking about, and if Sam had wanted to talk about it he would have.

But he couldn't just ignore ir either, could he? Because protecting each other was all they had.

“Hey, Sam?”

“Mmh?”

“How did you know?”

“What do you mean?”

“How did you know to get me this? That it'd help.”

Sam shrugged. “I didn't. Not really. I just... guessed.”

“I didn't even know those things existed.” Dean could already feel he was treading unsteady ground, and told himself this was as far as he'd push.

“Like I said. A lot of trans people use them.”

There was a pause. Dean looked at Sam without saying anything, giving him the choice of where this conversation was going to go next.

But the fact that the silence lasted for more than a second was enough to indicated that something needed to be said. Both of them knew it.

“I was doing some research,” Sam explained, not looking him in the eye. Of course there had been research, this was Sam. “Before this.” He gestured towards Dean. “Before Elena.”

That, Dean hadn't expected. Because “before Elena” could mean a whole range of thing from three months ago to three years. He wanted to ask, but held his tongue. He was already overstepping by having initiated this conversation, he needed to rein himself in and let Sam go at his own pace.

“Research on the transgender community. I mean. Yeah, obviously. But that's why I knew what a binder is. And I figured... Remember how Elena said something about your situation being the opposite of what her potions were for?”

It did ring a bell, vaguely, so Dean nodded.

“They're meant to allow people to have the body they feel is aligned with their true gender, right? They're meant to ease the discomfort created by the fact that the way you feel and how people see you don't match.”

Dean nodded again. He kept noticing the care with which Sam chose his words, and thought of how much blunter he would have been if he'd had to talk about the same topic, of how many of the terms he knew would probably sound offensive to some, because Dean had never thought he would need to learn new ones.

“With you, it went the other way. Instead of fixing it, it created that discomfort. That mismatch between who you are and how people see you.”

Thinking of the past month, Dean could agree that that description felt right. He hadn't realized, before his body had changed, how much of his confidence and of his sense of self was based on how others percieved him and interacted with him.

“I figured... I figured you're kind of stuck in the same situation as someone who's trans? In a weird way? And obviously it's not the same, because you know what your real body's like, and you know it's temporary but I still figured... I figured that you're a guy, and so you want to look like a guy, and that this might help.”

Sam stopped. He looked down at his feet, then at the ceiling. “This is gonna be a really awkward conversation, isn't it?” he asked drily.

“Sam, you don't have to-”

“I know.” He smiled. “I know I don't have to, but I got this far so...”

Dean sat down on the second bed, facing his brother. In the narrow space between the two pieces of furniture, their knees could almost touch.

Dean didn't like emotional moments. They made him uncomfortable, because he didn't know how to react during them. Allowing himself to be vulnerable was equivalent in his mind to letting himself get killed.

But he knew he needed to be there for Sam. He knew that this might be more important than he'd expected, and that Sam needed him. There wasn't anything Dean wouldn't do for his brother.

“I don't think I'm... like you,” Sam started, looking at their knees instead of towards Dean. “When it comes to gender. I mean... You're so... confident. In your own identity. You overplay masculinity all the time, but it doesn't feel jarring. It feels like it comes naturally. Like you know who you are.”

Dean probably could have argued about the overplay part, but he wasn't sure it was the kind of hill he wanted to die on. He knew he sometimes... compensated. Played up his love of women to avoid thinking about other things, and built himself a persona in the process. It was strange, in a way, that Sam could see right through that and still call Dean confident. Dean was the person he'd needed to be. In order to survive a lonely childhood, in order to thrive in the hunter's life and its constant danger. Sam had always been the one who dared break the unspoken rules, who tried to find another way. Wasn't that confidence?

“It's not like that for me. It doesn't feel natural. It feels like it's always shifting. I look at you now and it looks like you feel so uncomfortable in this new body, and all I can think about is that I'm barely comfortable in the one I have right now.”

Dean had pushed. Dean had wanted to know, he'd wanted an answer, but he didn't know what to do with what Sam was telling him.

“What does that mean?”

“Honestly?” Sam's smile was self-depricating and Dean hated it. This was an expression he knew well. He'd seen it throughout all of their childhood every time Sam came home from school after a day of being bullied and called a weirdo, everytime he asked their dad for something simple and normal and got the answer that those things weren't for people like them, every time he'd been called a freak or called himself one, because of hunting, because of his visions, because of who he was. “Not much. I don't think it can mean much, not with the lives we've got.”

“Sam-”

“No, listen. I've thought about this, okay? I've thought about this for months. My relationship to gender is... complicated. Weird. And I think that... maybe that puts me on the trans spectrum. Somewhere. But I'm not a woman. I don't want to transition. And if I don't... it's just easier to let people think what they're gonna think, you know? And maybe what they think isn't the truth, isn't my truth, but it's my choice to tell them or not, and I've decided not to.”

“Okay.” Dean looked at himself, at his too-loose shirt and the new sweatpants he'd bought because Sam had insisted he couldn't keep wearing his old ones all the time without washing them. He looked at his chest and the way it felt new to see is so flat, the weird kind of relief that that sight brought. He thought of everything Sam had done for him in the past weeks, how careful he'd been, stopping himself from making any kind of jokes because even if Dean had been gauding him into them he knew that they might still hurt, maybe not right then, but later on, on days like today when Dean's new body felt like it was seeping with open wounds. And here Sam was, looking at him with eyes that begged him not to fall into pity, that begged him to actually listen and understand, and Dean couldn't do anything else. He couldn't help. Even though that was his job, because he was the big brother and Sammy was everything. Despite all that, he still couldn't help. “Okay.”

“Hey, Dean?”

“Yeah?”

“Sorry I didn't tell you earlier. It wasn't... It wasn't that I didn't-”

“Don't even go there, Sam. This isn't... It's about you. It's personal. I get that. I'm not gonna get mad that you kept it a secret or whatever. You had every right to. But... I'm glad you told me. You gotta know that.”

Sam smiled then, small and shy, but a smile all the same. Dean had wanted to do more. To be more. But this was something. Maybe it was even enough, at least for now. “Okay.”

“Okay. Chick flick moment over!” Dean proclaimed before letting himself fall backward on the bed. Sam tried to push his feet out of the way when Dean put them up beside him, and Dean kicked him in retaliation, leading them to play-wrestle like they hadn't since being both teenagers.

Dean got out of breath too quickly and had to surrender, wincing at the way his chest was constricted under the binder. That meant he wouldn't be able to wear it when they were out hunting. Actually... that wasn't too bad. He didn't need it when it was just him and Sam and whatever monster they were chasing. Those moments were when he was closest to feeling like himself, present in his body, adrenaline rushing through his veins, and Sammy by his side.

In the end, the effects of Elena's potion lasted for three months and 22 days. They dissipated just as quickly and as thoroughly as they had set in. Dean had felt tired all morning, and had settled for a nap right after lunch. He woke up to the uncomfortable sensation of being squeezed across the stomach, and it took him a minute to figure out that that was because his pants had become much too tight.

He changed immediately, taking the time to stare at his own face in the mirror, to rub his hands over the familiar stubble across his cheeks. He laughed aloud, an expression of pure joy that amplified when he recognized the lower tones of his old voice.

As soon as Sam came back from his trip to the local library (the thing they were after was mostly likely a ghost, so he'd been digging into the city records for potential gruesome deaths), Dean was gesturing at himself.

“I am back in the game!”

Sam smiled, with genuine happiness and relief. “That's great. So, how are we celebrating? Burgers after the hunt's done? Hitting up a bar or three?”

“I am going to get laid! It has been way too long.”

Sam chuckled, rolling his eyes at his antics. “Right.” They both knew that Sam had been celibate for a lot longer than three months and wasn't any worse for it, but they also both knew that Dean wasn't Sam.

Dean was pretty sure he didn't have to explain how much he'd missed being able to flirt with women, even more than the physical act of sex. Sam was too smart for his own good, he probably understood.

“It's good to have you back, man,” the younger brother said, clapping Dean onto his shoulder.

And it was good. It was really really good. So good that Dean couldn't help but think about what Sam had revealed, the day he'd bought Dean's binder, about how he didn't seem to experience the sense of rightness that Dean now felt at being back inside himself. But there wasn't any bitterness in Sam's eyes, not any jealousy. Only light. He was living his life, as well as he could, just like Dean was. That was their truth, and it didn't matter if it was a little imperfect.

It was good all the same.

[yogurtfordinner]

... apparently there's disk horse about who is "entitled to laugh about" this destiel clusterfuck.

Look, I'm sorry, but. Well no, actually, scratch that, I'm not sorry. I know I haven't been in the fandom for years. I don't remember when I shamelessly abandoned supernatural but I know it was after watching the first episode of Season 10 - and up to that point I had been like, heavily involved in the overall spn fandom and super invested in destiel. But I remember I watched that episode and I was like, the fuck is this bullshit lmao and I never watched it again. Like I was suddenly too tired of the show or something.

Anyway, back to the point. Being defensive about who's allowed to laugh about how they decided to end a literal decade of will-they-won't-they, queerbait-y shit? Fam, chill out. Like, at this point, in this fucking year, this provided a desperately needed laugh in my opinion.

A friend sent me The Scene™ and honestly? I couldn't watch it. I pressed play and the cringe factor was so high I just noped out of it, but I digress.

I am genuinely sorry for the people who are still fans of the show and are still invested in these characters and this ship. What happened must've really sucked. Shows can disappoint you, ya know?

I can't speak to the whole situation being homophobic, cause honestly? I don't care anymore. In the year of our Lord which I don't believe in 2020, there's many shows and movies with such good representation on lgbt+ characters and themes, that I can't make myself waste time and energy on this. Would it have been cool if they had made it canon and given them a happy ending? OF COURSE. Hell, I probably would've gotten right back into the fandom, if I'm being honest. Also, it's highly unlikely, but from what I've been reading there's a couple of episodes left? Something... uh, good? Might still happen? Idk at this point, and I also don't care.

Like I said, let random people laugh about this clusterfuck. Just, deep breath and move on. Block people if you must! Filter them out of your dashboard! Curate your fandom experience!

Let people have their laugh, p l e a s e.

and also watch the old guard to see a wholesome immortal gay couple and an amazing and diverse cast who said fuck your bury your gays trope

[scarpool-gmk]

Epilogue

Title: Godly Marine: Killed Author: Scarpool Fandom(s): NCIS, Percy Jackson & the Olympians Pairing(s): Gen Rating: PG/K+ Summary: Epilogue (13/13) — Staff Sergeant Michael Kahale, Marine Corps Mechanic and Son of Athena, was murdered. Annabeth Chase is determined to find out who did it and why. She, along with Percy Jackson, Grover Underwood, and Clarisse La Rue, infiltrate NCIS where they team up with NCIS Agents Leroy Gibbs, Anthony DiNozzo, Timothy McGee, and Ziva David. Complete Genre: Fanfiction, Mystery, Drama, Humour, General, Action Warnings:  N/A

Abby searched around the smokey room. This was one of her favorite places to find all sorts of bits and bobs. It's where she found that epic wolf skull, the gorgeous black rose pillowcase that was currently laying in her coffin, and, of course, Bert. But this time, she wasn't here to get anything for herself. She spotted a couple boxes thrown in a pile. Weaving around the clutter, she made her way over. Each one was different but the swirly print of "Mythomagic" was printed on every one. So many choices! How could she choose? She started going through and reading descriptions.

"Do you need help?"

Abby's attention flashed to a small, pale boy who looked to be deeply regretting speaking at all.

"Yeah," Abby admitted. "It's for a friend. I am doing this for a local children's hospital. Getting stuff for some of the kids' birthdays. There's a girl that is really into card games like this. Do you know anything about this game?"

The boy hesitated for a moment before slowly opening up.

"If she's a beginner, go for the standard Olympian deck. It provides a good amount of basic instruction and application, sticking to the basics. It doesn't get complicated but still allows the player to make some flexible plays. The hero pack is way more complicated and is harder to customize, though an experienced player can really dominate using them. If the girl loves continuously long math problems, that deck is perfect. The expansion packs are for more experienced players looking for special customizations or who are playing challenges. I'd advise focusing on mastering the basics first, getting used to the standard packs."

Abby smiled. "You really know a lot about this game!"

The boy wrinkled his nose. "I used to play it when I was a kid."

"Well, thanks for helping me, um…"

The boy gave her a look-over. "It's Nico."

"I'm Abby. Thanks a bunch, Nico."

Nico twisted a jar in his hands. "It's no problem."

He shifted and, for a moment, Abby swore she something clipped to his side. It disappeared when he moved to leave. Her gut tingled.

"So, Nico," Abby said, feeling victorious when the boy turned back around to her, "What are you searching for in here?"

Nico lifted a brow and held up the jar. "I'm no longer searching."

Abby became genuinely interested. "What do you use that for?"

Nico's sigh sounded of defeat. "I'm looking for... a friend."

"They're lost?"

"He's always lost," the kid was quick to snark but recomposed himself with another glance at who he was talking to. "More like he's missing."

"And you think Misty's Freeze-Dried Tuna will help?"

His shoulders drooped. "It's a stupid idea," he said.

"Is he a dolphin or something?" Abby joked, trying to perk up the gloomy boy. Of course, you should never feed a dolphin Freeze-Dried anything.

Oddly enough, the boy looked to seriously consider it. "Well," he drawled, "If the shoe fits."

Abby thought about that. She guessed Sister Alba's laugh sounded Dolphin-like, especially when she got a strike. Still, Abby was confused. She jolted as her phone dinged. It was Tim. There was another case. Another body. She had to get back to headquarters.

She glanced back up. "It was good to meet you, Nico, and thanks again for helping me out. I hope you find your friend."

Nico shuffled to the door. "Thanks."

"And by the way, sweet Bomber."

Nico smiled and slipped out.

Abby stared at the closing door. Right there, as Nico left, she saw it. It was slid into a black sheath hanging on his hip. That kid was walking around with a three-foot-long sword!

-Ντόναλντ-

Ducky stared down at the poor man who now occupied the autopsy table. Gibbs would want answers soon. As Ducky worked on opening the body, he dutifully educated his young assistant.

"…Indeed, if troops would stay long enough in an area, it had the potential to grow into a village. Many modern villages- hold it steady, Mr. Palmer- in the Middle East are there because of U.S. forces. Troops provide protection and also quickly build secure, structured bases. If left- hand me the scalpel- long enough, the local population will start settling down, populating the area, and expand, making a place for themselves to stay. This isn't a new phenomenon. It has been happening- a clamp, if you would- since ancient times. In fact, many English cities are thought to have been created due to Roman Military camps, such as…" Ducky wavered.

Roman?

"Doctor?"

Ducky looked back at the tattoo on the victim's forearm. SPQR. Senātus Populusque Rōmānus. Could this man be?

"Doctor Mallard?"

Ducky blinked.

"Oh, yes. My apologies, Mr. Palmer. I was just thinking that- er- you should give these shrapnel pieces to Abigail."

"Now, Doctor? We aren't done with the procedure."

"I can handle it just fine, Mr. Palmer. Don't you worry. You know how Abigail gets. I don't want her rushing to call me for more work."

Jimmy chuckled, and Ducky forced one out, too.

Making sure that Jimmy was off in the elevator, Ducky hurried to his desk.

If his hypothesis was correct…

He went back to the body and made a small mark on the shoulder.

Oh, dear.

He examined the cut he made with the Celestial Bronze dagger.

He would have to tell Jethro. Immediately.

-Λέρωι-

Jethro got off the phone with Ducky. Hopefully, there wasn't anything supernatural related to the victim's cause of death. They would have to prepare for the possibility anyway. He sank in his chair. Wonderful.

Out of the corner of his eye, he spied McGee loitering in the middle of the bullpen. He refrained from rolling his eyes.

"What is it, McGee?"

"Um, Boss?" Gibbs mentally shook his head. Tim really needed to outgrow his timidness. "I just got a new e-mail from- uh- Agent- er- Anne Lima."

Jethro snapped to attention. McGee jumped. "I just, you know, thought you should, well, be aware, and…"

Jethro opened his own e-mail. He had one, too. Jethro guessed she must have sent it to all four of them.

He was proven correct as Ziva said, "Gibbs, I've also been contacted." Tony responded in kind, too.

"McGee," Jethro interrupted the rambling, "Put it up."

"Right." McGee scrambled over and soon had the message up on the plasma.

There was a moment of silence as they all read.

"What do we do, Boss?" Tony asked.

Jethro looked at his team, all eyes on him and ready to follow his orders.

"We have a missing Agent. Find him."

Previous Chapter Chapter List

[worryinglyinnocent]

Fic: A Jungle Fairy Tale

AU-gust Day Thirty: Magic AU Fandom: Once Upon A Time/Lost Pairing: Rumpelstiltskin x Claire Littleton

Rated: T

Summary: The survivors of Oceanic 815 discover that they are not alone on the island, and that its native inhabitants are… odd, to say the least.

Note: I’m not quite sure how much this counts as a magic AU since OUAT is in its nature a magical canon universe and Lost certainly has some supernatural and fantasy elements. But this idea’s been floating around in my mind for a couple of years now, so I thought I might as well dust it off here.

A Jungle Fairy Tale

The survivors of Oceanic 815 first realised that they were definitely not alone on the island on their first night, listening to the roar of something pounding through the jungle and seeing the trees shaking. Luckily, whatever it was decided that it was going to go in the opposite direction to the beach, and they never got a glimpse of whatever strange creature could have caused so much noise and destruction.

They first met the other inhabitants of the island the following afternoon. Claire hadn’t realised that anything had happened until she heard a commotion at the treeline at the edge of the beach, and everyone racing over in that direction. Carrying the extra weight as she was, it took her a while longer than everyone else to get over there and see what all the fuss was about, and she was very tempted to just stay exactly where she was and let someone else report back. Still, from all the raised voices, it sounded like something important was happening, so she heaved herself off the sand and made her way across to the source of all the excitement.

She had to double take when she saw it.

There was a man sitting casually in the upper branches of one of the trees, calmly gazing down at the gathered survivors. At least, Claire had to assume that he was a man. His skin was a greenish grey colour with a slight sparkling sheen to it, as if he was coated in a layer of gold dust, and his eyes were wide and an unnaturally yellow-grey. He seemed completely at ease in the tree and not at all worried by the fact that Sayid was holding the axe he’d been using to chop firewood, and Sawyer was pointing the marshal’s gun at him. In fact, when he saw the gun, he just tutted, waggling one clawed finger at Sawyer.

“Honestly. Humans. Always the same since the dawn of time. You accidentally find somewhere new and immediately start pointing weapons at the locals.” He tsked again. “It’s really not a good first impression, dearie.”

“Who the hell are you?” Sawyer asked. His brow was furrowed as if he couldn’t quite believe the evidence of his own eyes, and it appeared to be a common sentiment among all the people gathered under the tree.

“Ah, names have power, dearie, but since it looks like we’re all going to have to get along until your rescue arrives, if it arrives, I will be charitable for now. You may call me Rumpelstiltskin. Welcome to my home. Please put the gun down or I may be forced to do something drastic, and believe me, I do not require firearms to do it.”

“Rumpelstiltskin?” Beside Claire, Shannon scoffed. “As in that little imp from the fairy tales who steals babies?”

Claire looked down at her belly, worried for the first time since she’d seen the strange man.

“I did not steal them!” Rumpelstiltskin leaned at little further out of the tree, ignoring Sayid and Sawyer, and pointed an accusatory finger at Shannon. He seemed more enraged about her comment than he had done about being threatened in the first place. “I received them in fair deals that mothers then cried foul on because they didn’t understand what they were getting into, so eager were they for the untold riches I could provide!”

Shannon threw her hands up in defence and took a couple of steps back. “Ok…”

“Sawyer, maybe you ought to put the gun down.” Jack, as ever the voice of reason, came forward to the front of the group.

“Are you crazy, Doc?” Sawyer jabbed a finger towards Rumpelstiltskin. “Because he definitely is!”

“I am.” Rumpelstiltskin nodded calmly. “Spend a few years here with only Mal for company and you’ll all be a little…” He swirled a finger next to his temple. “Which is why we need to get you off this island as soon as possible. Can’t have you going bananas. The only bananas we want here are the kind that grow in the trees.”

“How long have you been here?” Sayid had since put down the axe and was looking at Rumpelstiltskin with more curiosity than fear.

Rumpelstiltskin counted on his fingers, holding up three.

“Three years?”

“No.” He seemed a little offended by the suggestion. “Three centuries, dearie.”

“All right, we’ve got a crazy guy who looks like someone had an intimate encounter with a crocodile and who is apparently over three hundred years old.” Sawyer shook his head in disbelief. “I’m not the only one hearing this, right?”

There was a general murmur of consensus among the survivors and Sawyer finally lowered the gun.

“All right. I’ll play along. How do you propose we get off this island, then?”

“Well, if I knew how to get off, don’t you think I would have done it two-hundred and ninety-nine odd years ago?” Rumpelstiltskin gave Sawyer a butter-wouldn’t-melt smile. “Still, there’s what, fifty of you, and there’s only been me and Mal for so long, so I’m sure that fifty heads are better than two. Although, having seen some of you, I’m not so sure.”

“Hey!”

“Sawyer, leave it.” Jack stepped forward, unofficial spokesperson for the group. “Is there anyone else on the island?”

“Apart from me and Mal? I think there’s a man in a bunker somewhere, but he might have blown his brains out by now.”

“What about that thing in the jungle last night?” Kate asked. “It was loud enough; you must have heard it.”

“Oh, that’s Mal, no need to worry about her. She doesn’t realise how big she is sometimes.” Rumpelstiltskin waved the concern away airily.

“How big is she?”

“Well, she’s a dragon, dearie, so she’s rather large at times.”

“A dragon? Ok, that’s it, this is just ridiculous now.” Sawyer threw his hands up in defeat and left the group, taking with him a great deal of the tension. Although Rumpelstiltskin had seemed at ease before, he visibly relaxed now that Sawyer was gone.

“What do you mean, ‘rather large at times’?”

Claire couldn’t help thinking that Kate was focussing on the wrong things here, but since they’d already accepted the existence of Rumpelstiltskin, they might as well accept the existence of a dragon as well.

“She’s not in her dragon shape all the time, obviously.”

There was silence for a moment, until Rumpelstiltskin suddenly clapped his hands together, startling the gathered survivors.

“Well, that was a lovely introduction. You know me, I know you, welcome to the magical island where, yes, dragons do exist. Please think twice before pointing weapons in my direction and please don’t worry about Mal, she’s harmless. I’m sure our paths will cross again before you leave, please pick up all litter, please be aware that those little orange berries are extremely poisonous, and otherwise make yourselves at home but don’t abuse our hospitality.”

He raised one hand, about to snap his fingers, but then he paused, cocking his head on one side and staring straight at Claire. She took a step back under the force of his gaze, and Shannon and Kate stepped in closer to her protectively.

“Are you sure you should have been flying, dearie?” he asked softly. “You look about ready to drop.”

“I…” Claire put her hands on her belly. “The doctor said it was fine,” she said.

“Well, just keep him safe in there, all right?”

With that, he vanished in a fingersnap, as if he’d never been there at all, leaving the survivors all looking at each other, trying to work out if that had really just happened or if they’d all had a mass hallucination.

With impeccable timing, Claire felt a little kick against her palm, and she gasped.

“Claire? You ok, hun?”

She nodded. “He moved. First time since the crash.”

She didn’t know why she suddenly thought he was a boy. Maybe because Rumpelstiltskin had seemed so sure. All the same, he was now definitely a boy in her mind. She looked back up at the tree branch where Rumpelstiltskin had sat. She’d been unnerved when he’d taken a sudden interest in her, but she hadn’t been scared. He’d seemed genuinely concerned for her and the baby.

Claire shook herself and moved away with the dissipating crowd.

Only time would tell.

X

The next few days passed mostly without incident, and Claire was almost beginning to think that she had dreamed the encounter with Rumpelstiltskin, if it wasn’t for everyone casting wary glances at the tree line now and again.

It was night-time when she saw him again. Sayid and Jack were keeping watch by the bonfire, and Claire couldn’t sleep. Now that Baby had started moving again, it felt like he was moving all the time. Especially whenever she was trying to get some rest. There was no use in even attempting to sleep yet, so she sat up in her little tent, looking around.

He was standing under the tree they’d first seen him in, watching the camp. There was nothing nefarious in his gaze. If anything, it was protective, fatherly. She wondered if he’d kept watch over them before and they just hadn’t noticed.

Presently there was a little rustle in the trees, and someone joined him, a woman with the tips of horns peeping out of her mess of curly blonde hair. She must have been the mysterious Mal. At least they hadn’t had any dragon-related incidents since that first night.

Claire watched them for a few minutes, until Rumpelstiltskin looked straight at her and waved. She ducked back inside her tent in embarrassment, before curiosity overcame her and she stepped out, picking her way across the sand towards them.

“Hello again, dearie. How are you and the little one?”

Claire nodded. “All right. He’s keeping me up.”

Mal gave a soft laugh. “Yes, they do. It’s only going to get worse, I’m afraid.”

“Do you have children?”

“I had a daughter.” Mal sighed, and Claire decided that the past tense was enough not to press the point.

“Glad to hear you’re both doing well. Hopefully, you’ll be nice and safe and snug somewhere on terra firma when the time comes.”

“Yeah.” Claire sighed. She hadn’t wanted to resign herself to having the baby on the island yet, but the longer it took for rescue to find them, the more it seemed like she was going to have to do just that. “Hopefully.” She paused, the question that had been hanging at the back of her mind for the last few days now sitting on the tip of her tongue. “Why are you so concerned for me and the baby?” she asked. “I mean, I’m not going to accuse you of wanting to steal him, but…” She sighed. “Did you know I was going to give him up for adoption?”

Rumpelstiltskin shook his head. “I don’t know things. But I suspect them. I have a certain degree of foresight which gives me a certain degree of insight.” He gave a long, heavy sigh, and with that sigh, Claire could well believe that he was over three hundred years old, and the weight of all those centuries was bearing down on him now. “We don’t get new life on this island,” he said. “It’s part of the curse that brought us here. We’re static, and we’re very old. He’s something new.” He nodded towards her belly. “He’s a brand new soul, and as such we will do all we can to protect him.”

There was a fierceness in his words, and in that moment, Claire knew that he meant it, and that he and Mal, for all their strangeness, could be trusted. Whether he would help them off the island or not, she knew that they were at least safe with him.

“You should try and sleep,” Mal said. “You need as much as you can get, even if it’s only a catnap.”

Claire nodded and began to make her way back to her tent. Mal and Rumpelstiltskin were still there in the shadows when she glanced back over her shoulder.

X

“She’s too young for you.”

“Mal, I’m three hundred and fifty-two years old. Everyone is too young for me except you. And we established a couple of centuries ago that we’re good friends, but we definitely do not like each other in that way.”

“You know what I mean.”

They were watching Claire retreating down the beach.

Rumpelstiltskin sighed. “I know. But there’s something about her. She’s their heart, although they don’t know it yet. She’s special, Mal, surely you can see it too.”

“Rumpel, she’s a human who’s about to have a baby and who desperately needs to get off this island and you’re an Immortal who’s been banished here and can’t leave it. It’ll never work. But yes, I will admit that she is lovely. Inside and out.”

“Do you think you could… you know.”

Mal rolled her eyes but nonetheless acquiesced, bringing her hands up to her mouth. Her eyes flashed reptilian gold for a moment as she blew a puff of smoke into her palms, forming it into a ball. Rumpelstiltskin snapped his fingers, encasing the ball in a soft lilac glow.

“Don’t say I never do anything for you.”

“It’s not for me, Mal. It’s for Claire.”

Mal just raised an eyebrow and moved back into the trees away from the survivors’ camp. Rumpelstiltskin snapped his fingers, rematerialising outside Claire’s little tent. She startled when she saw him.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you. This is from me and Mal.” He held out the lilac ball and Claire took it.

“It’s warm. Sorry, that’s stupid, of course you know it’s warm.”

“It’s dragon smoke,” he explained. “It’ll warm and cool as you need it to, and it should ease the pain and make you more comfortable. Like Mal said, you need your sleep.”

Gingerly, Claire put the ball behind her back, almost immediately giving a sigh of relief.

“Oh, that feels great. Thank you so much.”

“You’re welcome.”

He made to vanish away, but Claire’s voice stopped him.

“Wait, Rumpelstiltskin.”

“Yes, Claire?”

“Will you stay a while?”

“If you would like.”

Claire nodded, patting the blanket beside her, and Rumpelstiltskin sat down.

“No one really talks to me,” she said. “It’s like I’m this ticking time bomb waiting to go off. They’re all polite about it, but they’re all thinking the same thing. What happens when the baby’s on the outside?” She sighed. “You’re the only one who seems to see past that and look me in the eye. You’re not worried about what’ll happen when the baby’s here. You’re more concerned with making sure we’re both ok right now.”

Rumpelstiltskin shrugged. “It just makes sense, that’s all.”

They fell into silence for a while.

“Earlier, you said that you and Mal were under a curse that had brought you here.”

“Yes. I wasn’t quite sure you’d believe that.”

“Well, I’ve learned to believe in fairy tale characters and dragons over the last few days, so why not believe in magic and curses too? Hurley thinks he’s cursed, it’s not too far-fetched.”

“Yes, Mal and I are cursed. For my part it was the entirely wrongful baby-stealing reputation. Mal’s is roughly the same, although she did actually steal one; an eye for an eye to replace her own stolen child.” He sighed. “They always went to good homes. For every set of careless parents who dealt their child away to me without realising what they had done and trying to renege on a fair contract, there was another set of parents who would do anything to have a babe of their own – even make a deal with me. It all worked out very well for the little ones in the end, and even despite my current exile, I don’t regret any of it.”

“You just wanted the best for the children.”

Rumpelstiltskin nodded, and Claire smiled.

“Thank you for looking out for mine. Even though you knew I was going to give him up.”

“You were doing what was best for him. If you didn’t think that you would be able to care for him, then making a deal to give him up to someone who could was the right thing to do. That’s not something to be ashamed of. It shows more sense and maturity than most of the people I dealt with.”

“I don’t know what I’m going to do now if I can’t get off the island. I never thought I’d actually be a mother.”

“You have more help than you know. Everyone will band together for you, as much as they might be avoiding you now. Responsibility, once it’s there, will change things. And you know that you can always call on me and Mal if you need us. We’ve lived here for so long and gone so mad that we really don’t want it to happen to anyone else, so we’ll do what we can to help.”

“Thank you.” She reached across, taking Rumpelstiltskin’s hand and squeezing. He startled for a moment before squeezing back tentatively.

“You know, I’m looking out for you, too,” he said eventually. “Not just the little one. You’re a remarkable person in your own right, you know.”

Claire looked away, her cheeks colouring in the firelight.

“Thank you.”

“I’ll leave you to get some rest now. But just call if you need me. Names have power, after all.”

Claire nodded.

“Rumpelstiltskin?”

“Yes?”

“Thank you for everything.”

She leaned in and pressed a kiss to his cheek before lying down again and readjusting the ball of smoke behind her back; within a minute she was sleeping peacefully.

Rumpelstiltskin vanished back to his home in the trees, touching the place on his cheek where Claire had kissed him. Let Mal be cynical. He wouldn’t have got this far and survived this long without hope, and he was going to keep that hope till the end.

X

The ball of dragon smoke was still just the right temperature when Claire woke, and she smiled, stowing it in her luggage for when she next needed it. She cast her mind back over the previous night, and her discussion with Rumpelstiltskin. As strange as it seemed to be developing feelings for the man, she couldn’t deny that the feelings were definitely developing. It would be strange, of course it would – she was human and he was whatever he was, and he was cursed to spend his eternity on this island whereas she was very much determined to get off it.

But that didn’t mean that she couldn’t have hope that maybe something more could come of their tentative friendship, after all.

[fyrapartnersearch]

Why can't I hold all these cool stories?

CURRENT CRAVINGS: Please see this GDoc, because I have some plots I’d like to try! I’m primarily interested in original plots and characters; setting them in original worlds or fandom worlds is fine. I am not interested in playing canons other than as side characters/world filler as of right now.

DISCORD: KYLO REN AT CHILI’S#8808

  PERSONAL PREFERENCES

I’m over eighteen, and would prefer my partners are, too. This doesn’t mean I’m interested in NSFW-heavy plots; I do not write smut. It just means I’m more comfortable writing and interacting with other adults.

I consider myself to be lit-adv. I tend to enjoy partners in the lit+ category, but as long as you’re an enthusiastic and engaging partner, I don’t care about perfect grammar. I would rather write with someone just as involved and excited as I am, than I would with someone who isn't very engaging but knows exactly what to do with obscure punctuation.

I’m not interested in playing only one type of character or playing against only one type of character. I typically don’t enjoy writing with people who are only interested in playing one type of relationship dynamic or one kind of character (such as only m/f, playing the female, or m/m, playing the “bottom”). I have no problem with these dynamics or characters at all, nor do I have an issue playing against them. I just prefer more variety, compromise, and opportunity.

 OOC chatter is really important to me. I can’t write with someone that I don’t feel like I can get to know. I’m looking for friends, not a faceless reply robot. I won’t communicate over any medium but Discord. I've tried Kik, Hangouts, etc.; they just don't stick for me. If you would prefer first contact be through email, you can shoot me a quick message and your handle to jordrps@gmail.com.

I’m fine with threading in a GDoc or a server, but I will not thread over DMs. It’s difficult to have OOC chatter and the thread over the top of each other.

If you're looking for a partner that writes a reply a day without fail, that's not me. I prefer that we don't have "posting schedules” or set posting times, because I find that it turns writing into a chore. It's great if you reply immediately, and it's totally okay if you need a week to figure something out! You’re absolutely free to poke me. I’m not always the most mindful. However, I’m not going to reply every day. Three to four times a week is my frequency.

  PLOT PREFERENCES

I’m interested in both fandom and original settings, and I’m down for playing both canon characters and OCs. I don’t necessarily prefer one or the other. 

I definitely prefer canon doubling from my partners in fandom plots; I mesh better with people who do a little give-and-take when it comes to that. If you only play one canon character or only play OCs against canons and won’t play canons, I don’t think we’ll work.

I can play as many characters as needed, whether it's just one or it's six. Whatever our story calls for, I can manage that. In fact, I would love to play multiple “main” pairings so we can both get what we want, versus a single main pairing (unless it’s a pairing/dynamic we both like equally well). I find more than one facet to a plot really interesting, and multiple characters helps flesh out a story’s dimensions.

I’m absolutely interested in joining groups, so please don’t be shy about asking me to participate in plots with more than two players. So long as they don’t involve me writing sexual NSFW, we’re Gucci; everyone else writing NSFW isn’t a deal breaker for me.

Multiple threads and plots at the same time are no issue for me. In fact, I love the idea that we click so well that we just can't stop coming up with good ideas! So definitely don't be afraid to pitch something new to me, whether it's because you want to switch gears (and drop a thread for another), or want to do everything at once.

Romance is a must for me! I prefer slow and agonizing journeys to get there, but my attention is best held by romantic chemistry between characters.

I can provide writing samples upon request, though I never require them from my partner. Additionally, I have some plots written out if you're interested in that sort of thing. Otherwise, we can brainstorm together!

  FANDOMS

I’m very much a fandom player. I’m always down for AUs, or inserting our own characters into the plots of fandoms! This is in no way a complete list; never be afraid to ask if I’m into something! I’ve probably forgotten a hundred things I love. 

Most of my fandoms will have favorite canon characters listed with them, both who I like playing and playing against; you’re always welcome to ask about others not listed.* There’s a good chance I’m pretty good with them!

*I will play OCs in every fandom, but I might not play canons in every fandom.

  ALWAYS

The Bartimaeus Trilogy (Nathaniel, Kitty Jones, and Bartimaeus), DC (any Titan, Jinx, Arthur Curry, Steve Trevor, Circe, and Diana Prince), Elder Scrolls (player canons and/or OCs preferred, but feel free to ask about canons), Fallout: New Vegas and 4 (Arcade Gannon, Paladin Danse, R.J. MacCready, Arthur Maxson, Veronica Santangelo, Cait, Rose of Sharon Cassidy, and player canons), Game of Thrones (Sansa Stark, Robb Stark, Jon Snow, Cersei Lannister, Jaime Lannister, Ramsay Bolton, and Willas Tyrell), His Dark Materials (OCs preferred), Hunger Games (OCs preferred), Inception (Arthur, and Eames, but OCs preferred), Marvel (Peter Parker, Scott Lang, Bucky Barnes, Miles Morales, Loki Laufeyson, Thor Odinson, Gwen Stacy, Jean Grey, Ororo Munroe, Kitty Pryde, and Megan Gwynn), Miraculous Ladybug (Marinette Dupain-Cheng and Adrien Agreste), The Mortal Instruments (Simon Lewis, Raphael Santiago, and Alec Lightwood), Percy Jackson and the Olympians (Percy Jackson, Nico di Angelo, Annabeth Chase, Will Solace, Piper McLean, and Leo Valdez), Star Trek (Jim Kirk, Leonard McCoy, S'chn T'gai Spock, and Pavel Chekov), Star Wars (Obi Wan Kenobi, Jacen Solo, Jaina Solo, Jagged Fel, Mara Jade Skywalker, Rey Skywalker, Poe Dameron, Luke Skywalker, Boba Fett, Sintas Vel, and Ahsoka Tano), The Walking Dead (Glenn Rhee, and Negan), Warriors (Firestar, Squirrelflight, Jayfeather, and Hawkfrost)

  SOMETIMES

Boku no Hero Academia (Bakugo Katsuki, Midoriya Izuku, Shinsou Hitoshi, Kaminari Denki, Kirishima Eijiro, Todoroki Shoto, and Uraraka Ochaco), Bungou Stray Dogs (OCs preferred, but feel free to ask about canons), Digimon (OCs preferred), Dragon Age (Fenris, Cullen Rutherford, Cassandra Pentaghast, and Dorian Pavus), Final Fantasy VII (Cloud Strife, Zack Fair, Reno, and Sephiroth), Harry Potter (Narcissa Malfoy, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, James Potter, Regulus Black, Draco Malfoy, Hermione Granger, and Luna Lovegood; play my favorite ship with me, and I'll do whatever you want, literally.), Mystic Messenger (Choi Saeyoung, Han Jumin, Kang Jaehee, and Choi Saeran), Naruto (Hatake Kakashi, Umino Iruka, Gaara, Hyuuga Hinata, and Uchiha Sasuke), Ouran High School Host Club (Ootori Kyouya, Hitachiin Hikaru, and Hitachiin Kaoru), Pokémon (Red, Blue, N, Guzma, and player canons)

  NOT SURE, BUT WILLING TO EXPLORE

Avatar: the Last Airbender (particularly Zutara), Eragon, Howl's Moving Castle, Kiznaiver, The Legend of Zelda, Soul Eater, Steven Universe, Tokyo Ghoul, Twilight, Yuri!!! on Ice

  GENRES

For the most part, I’ll genuinely play most any genre! Of course, everyone says that, but then they shoot down all your suggestions because everyone has stuff they don’t like doing. I’ll try to make this as brief as I can, and know that if something isn’t listed, but you’re pretty sure (based on everything else) that I’m into it, then definitely let me know what you’re thinking!

SETTINGS

A/B/O (I will not play only alphas for only omegas, nor will I play overly trope-y, non-con, “boys love”/"yaoi" plots.), Age of Sail, alien worlds/alien invasions, celebrity, fairytales and mythology (including “inspired by” retellings), fantasy (including medieval, urban, and high fantasy), alt-historical and modern royalty, mutants/gifted, organized crime, science fiction (especially including aliens), some historical (excluding medieval, colonial, and the Roaring Twenties/Great Depression), supernatural, Victorian (especially the London ton), post-apocalyptic

PAIRING DYNAMICS

arranged marriage (I’m always down for slinging our characters together, whether or not they want to. It’s always a bonus if their families hate each other.), enemies to lovers (I love conflict of any sort, especially romantic!), human x not-human (The not-human must be sentient.), bad guy x good guy, intellectual x emotional, captive x captured (especially when the captured is willful, annoying, and full of fight), step-siblings (I don’t play step-parents x step-kids, so please don’t ask!), status/power imbalances (such as characters being from different socioeconomic strata or different ranks/positions in an organization), celebrity x bodyguard (I’m okay with the celebrity being the son/daughter/offspring of someone famous!), famous x not famous, rivals of any sort, unwilling traveling companions, unwilling soulmates

  If any of this interests you, please feel free to reach out to me however! I'm really looking forward to hearing from you!

[txthots]

Hello, I saw that you reblogged a post about sexualising minor idols and I wanted to ask you a question. First of all, I hope I don’t sound rude or anything, I’m just actually curious about this! Anyway, as you said it’s wrong to sexualise and write smut about minors because it’s uncomfortable and it’d scare the minor, but isn’t the same with adults? I mean, adult idols may feel the same way, just because they aren’t minor it doesn’t mean they don’t feel scared by this. [👆🏻]

Hi, everyone, so I just thought I’d answer this ask before I answer any other questions in my inbox. It’s a very important and very good question, and I hope I can answer it without causing any kind of controversy! This anon came to me very politely, and asked really kindly so I appreciate that.

So let’s start off by saying, I’m thankful that you don’t see too many people who write for minors, too! It makes me feel really icky and I’m pretty sure that I’m not the only one who shares that point of view.

However, there’s a big moral difference in expressing sexual attraction in a minor and expressing sexual attraction in adults. As an adult, expressing attraction like that toward a minor is obviously widely frowned upon for many justifiable reasons- one of those being that you’re expressing an adult “innate” behavior(innate being in quotations because for some this behavior isn’t really considered necessary and that’s okay. we’ve all got preferences here and im not bout to exclude the ace community) toward someone who has not properly matured mentally and physically in that aspect. I think as an adult you start to realize that who you are as a person in a sensual aspect is COMPLETELY different than who you were as a minor. And though some people are sexually active before a legal age, it isn’t a really logical approach to push that kind of agenda or mindset on someone who hasn’t hit that age as you and shared similar experiences as you (it really isn’t right to push that agenda on anyone who isn’t ready, tbh, but that’s a discussion we’ll save for another time). I realize that it seems like i’m rambling and I dont mean to, so I’ll just provide you with an example.

I am 21 now. I was born in the same year as Yeonjun, if you want anything to base that off of. Now, let’s compare me to someone like, let’s say, a cousin who was born in the same age as me. That cousin, who is also 21, most likely shares similar life experiences as I do, so she’s probably been exposed to things like sex education and who knows, possibly even her own sex life. With her, I’m assuming that I can talk about my own experiences, my preferences, and expect her to reciprocate. She might even tell me about people who she fancies around our age, and the conversation may run a little similar to how i talk on this blog or how any other txt blog talks about legal members. The key here, is that she and I are both equipped with the same generational and mental mindset- we’ve experienced things at a similar rate, and we both have the same mindset given our age.

 Now, let’s compare that to a younger cousin that I could have that’s about 17. That’s someonee who might not be mentally ready to hear that kind of talk, or have any experience on the topic whatsoever. The topic could make them uncomfortable (or anyone uncomfortable who doesn’t want to hear it, for that matter) because they might not share in those kinds of experiences or wouldn’t want to be focused on something like that around their age. This person has a longer way to go with life than I would, and they have so many things that they have to experience on their own before they get to talking about these things.

As long as these things are not forced on any individual, I think it’s okay to think about them. It’s completely natural for us to have feelings toward another individual around our age. Let’s say that cousin who is 21 wants to talk to me about someone she has a crush on, and she goes into.... explicit detail about it. It’s seen as a normal conversation for some people, seeing as it’s completely normal to feel sexual attraction on a crush. All the while, it’s completely okay for people to feel sexual attraction toward /us/... just as long as they are not shoving it in our faces, and we don’t shove it in theirs. But we both have a right to feel things for people that we show a genuine attraction toward. Even if it’s a celebrity, we arent imposing on them by thinking about them like this, because as it turns out, they probably think about other people in a similar fashion. That’s because they’re around our age.

We can see this in example in other fandoms-- take, for example, I don’t know... Supernatural or something. If you’ve been on Tumblr as long as I have you might have been here for the popular ship... Destiel (literally i cringed typing that out.). The story behind the ship does not matter- what matters is that the actors who played Dean and Castiel (Destiel) were two grown men and that the ship itself was MASSIVE. There was a moment in time where the actor for Dean answered a question from a fan, and it had to do with the ship itself. That is when you cross the line as a fan-- shoving any kind of material about the famous person in their face, that’s what I consider disrespectful.

I realize that this was very long, but I hope I answered some important questions!! Thank you for asking.

[hawksonfire]

2019: Year In Review

Seeing as how this is the first year that I’ve really written a lot (or anything at all), I thought I’d try out this ‘year in review’ thing. 

This year was the first year (ever) that I’d really put my words out into the world. I was honestly terrified to post my first work on Ao3 - what if no one liked it? What if I got hate for it? And worst of all, what if it was terrible? 

I’m glad to say that none of that even came close to happening. I’m so lucky to have fumbled my way into the Marvel fandom, specifically the Winterhawk portion of it, because it’s just such a welcoming place. Everyone I’ve met has been so welcoming and uplifting, and I can honestly say that there are a few people (everyone) that come to mind who I hope will be with me for years to come.

Back to fic - At the beginning of this year, I had one fic on Ao3 - a 2018 Kinktober fic. At this very moment, I have 100+ fics with over 380k words between them. I’ve written fic for people, gotten fic from people, and posted stuff just for the hell of it. 2019 was a good year for my wording progress, and I can only hope that 2020 beats it.

Accomplishments under the cut! :) 

Stats

Word Count: 380,035

Fic Count: 130 

Fics

Captain Cockblock - a Winterhawk fic in which Steve is constantly cockblocking Bucky and Clint. It was the very first thing I posted in 2019, and I can genuinely say that I was terrified.

Revenge Against Captain Cockblock - the sequel to Captain Cockblock, in which Clint and Bucky (and Sam) get revenge on Steve for the way he kept cockblocking them. First sequel!! I was excited about this one.

Aggressively Progressive - a Stucky fic where Steve tells the press (and other assorted people) exactly what he thinks about the not vaccinating your children (among other things).

How It Should Have Gone - This fic. God, this fic. This was really the first multi-chapter long fic that I had attempted, and I had no idea how it was going to be accepted. It’s set before, during, and after the first Avengers, and in it, Steve attends university, falls in love with Clint and Natasha, and saves the world. It’s canon-adjacent, and I swear this is probably the fic I am most proud of to date.

Steve Rogers: Unapologetic Slut - A 5+1 fic I did as part of the BDBD slutty!Steve challenge. It was definitely a ton of fun to write and as a bonus, it introduced me to the 5+1 trope which I can now say is a favourite of mine.

there is a house in new orleans (they call the rising sun) - A birthday fic for the amazing @kangofu-cb (even though it was late) because she deserves all the nice things, dammit.

i need something to believe in (throw my hands up to the ceiling) - I realized one day, that my best bro @flowerparrish has literally written so much fic for me (check out zir Ameriwinterhawk series, aka, the ‘pornathon verse’ and this Amerihawk sex pollen fic) and yet, somehow, I had not written zir a single thing? This could not stand. So I made my amazing friend choose a whole bunch of prompts from a list, then slammed together a bunch of them into one 68-chapter long fic to be updated as needed. 

Events

MCU Kink Bingo Round 3 - Somehow, I am unsurprised that the very first event I joined this year was a kink bingo. A series of 16 works of various ships and kinks.

Clint Barton Bingo - Clint has always been one of my favourite Marvel characters, so as soon as I saw that this bingo was accepting sign-ups, I had to do it. And I did! It resulted in 19 works from the first round (and more to come from the second round) with Clint being paired with various Marvel characters (but mostly Bucky). 

Mandatory Fun Day - At this point in the year, I was fully inside the Winterhawk dumpster. The lovely mods over at @mandatoryfunday provide weekly prompts for us Winterhawklings to enjoy, and although I haven’t made a fill for this in a while, I definitely enjoyed the ones I did make and hope to make more in 2020.

Star Spangled Bingo - Yes, another bingo. I think this was my third one, but there were plenty more to come. I had a lot of fun participating in this one!

Bucky Barnes Bingo - Bucky, next to Clint, is another favourite character of mine, and I am so glad that the mods over at @buckybarnesbingo decided to do a second round in 2020. They can count on my sign-up, for sure.

Stucky Bingo - While it’s only got one fic so far, I’m definitely planning on writing more for it. XD

Captain America Reverse Big Bang: A Tail of Two Idiots - This!! This was my first RBB and I was incredibly lucky to be paired with the amazing @astaraiches-oisinn. She created some gorgeous art of Steve and Bucky at a dog park, and somehow I managed to write nearly 31.5k and post it on time! But I could not have done it without her, love you bb <333333

Winterhawk Reverse Big Bang: Main Attraction - holy fuck, y’all. I’d been a massive fan of @kangofu-cb and her words and art for a while at this point, and when I found out that we’d been paired together for the RBB? I’m pretty sure my screech broke windows. She was an absolute joy to work with and I’m glad to say that we’re now friends (we’re friends, right CB? Please let me have this) and she brightens up my day whenever I talk to her.

MCU Rarepairs Bingo - Again, there’s only one fic here but I’ve definitely got some fics planned for it.

Winterhawk Bingo - Alright, look. While I am well aware that I join too many events (no one can stop me) I am also aware that I like to run things. Thus, Winterhawk Bingo was born. It’s been a joy to run and a joy to participate in, and I’ve made even more friends for me to love with this event.

Kinktober 2019 - This was my second year in a row doing Kinktober, but I had way more fun this year because I opened up the prompt list to a bunch of my friends and followers and offered to write them a kink of their choice (or five). Definitely going to be doing it again that way in 2020.

Marvel Bingo: oh, the good ol’ days - This series is absolutely one of my all-time favourite things that I have ever written. It starts off with Clint/Steve, but as the stories progress, Bucky joins the squad for eventual Steve/Bucky/Clint, or my all-time OT3: Ameriwinterhawk. This series has 24 planned fics, with 20 so far completed. I was aiming to blackout my Marvel Bingo card, so let’s see if we can’t hit that goal, shall we?

Winterhawk Wonderland: noticeable - Hawkie’s first gift exchange! I had a super great time participating in this event (run by the lovely mods over at @winterhawkwonderland) and I can’t wait to do it again next year (if they choose to run it again)!

Marvel Trumps Hate - I signed up for my first charity auction! Look forward to those fics in 2020!

Marvel Reverse Big Bang - Technically, posting is in 2020, but the majority of this event took place in 2019, so I’m counting it.

Fics for Events (that I’m particularly proud of)

Lime Blossoms - While technically a fill for Bucky Barnes Bingo, Clint Barton Bingo, MCU Kink Bingo, and Star Spangled Bingo, this fic holds a special place in my heart. It’s very soft, and it also happens to be the fic that I jammed four different bingo squares into. 

Whatever You Want - A fill for the Soulbond square of my Bucky Barnes Bingo card. Winterhawk, of course, but with a twist. Clint has two soulmarks, and they end up being Bucky and the Winter Soldier. 

Safe - This fic holds is very special to me because in it, Clint is asexual. He has a crush on Bucky but doesn’t know how to go about doing something about it while making his boundaries clear. As an ace person myself who hasn’t always had the best luck with that, this fic was basically me holding up a flashing neon sign going “THIS! THIS IS WHAT I WANT!”

Flags - Another ace fic, but this time with ace!Bucky! Clint helps him as Bucky tries to figure stuff out. It’s basically pure, self-indulgent fluff.

All Bark, All Bite - Ah, yes. Werewolf!Clint and Vampire!Bucky. This is absolutely what kickstarted my obsession with supernatural AU’s, no doubt about it.

i walked with you (once upon a dream) - Another birthday fic! This one was for a friend of mine who isn’t on Tumblr, but she absolutely loves marine life. SO! Of course, I wrote her a 5+1 fic with mer!Bucky and pirate!Clint that somehow turned into 16k words of basically pure fluff.

topsy turvy and upside down - This was a fill for the Mandatory Fun Day prompt “Clint as the Winter Soldier”. God, I had so much fun with this fic and I wrote all 7k of it in like, a day or something, because the words would just not stop flowing.

anything, anything - This. This was written for @flowerparrish as a part of Kinktober, and I honestly have no idea how it became an ace!Steve sex pollen fic, except that it did. I definitely plan to write more ace fics, and more sex pollen fics, and more ace sex pollen fics.

i ain’t proud of my address (in this torn up town) - Affectionately referred to by me as Demon!Clint, this fic will absolutely be updated and completed. At some point. But I give you my word.

That’s all, folks! That sums up my 2019! Well, the fic portion of it anyway. I made so many new friends that I hope stick with me for a long while, I got so many new ideas for fics I plan to write in 2020, and! I learned a few things about myself along the way!

Things to expect from me in 2020:

- Events. So many events. All of the events.

- Fics. SO many. A few for events, a few not.

- I guess you’ll just have to wait and see, won’t you?

[rp-dreamland]

Why can't I hold all these cool stories?

CURRENT CRAVINGS: Please see this GDoc, because I have some plots I’d like to try! I’m primarily interested in original plots and characters; setting them in original worlds or fandom worlds is fine. I am not interested in playing canons other than as side characters/world filler as of right now.

DISCORD: KYLO REN AT CHILI’S#8808

TIMEZONE: CST

PERSONAL PREFERENCES

I’m over eighteen, and would prefer my partners are, too. This doesn’t mean I’m interested in NSFW-heavy plots; I do not write smut. It just means I’m more comfortable writing and interacting with other adults. 

I consider myself to be lit-adv. I tend to enjoy partners in the lit+ category, but as long as you’re an enthusiastic and engaging partner, I don’t care about perfect grammar. I would rather write with someone just as involved and excited as I am, than I would with someone who isn’t very engaging but knows exactly what to do with obscure punctuation.

I’m not interested in playing only one type of character or playing against only one type of character. I typically don’t enjoy writing with people who are only interested in playing one type of relationship dynamic or one kind of character (such as only m/f, playing the female, or m/m, playing the “bottom”). I have no problem with these dynamics or characters at all, nor do I have an issue playing against them. I just prefer more variety, compromise, and opportunity.

 OOC chatter is really important to me. I can’t write with someone that I don’t feel like I can get to know. I’m looking for friends, not a faceless reply robot. I won’t communicate over any medium but Discord. I’ve tried Kik, Hangouts, etc.; they just don’t stick for me. If you would prefer first contact be through email, you can shoot me a quick message and your handle to jordrps@gmail.com.

I’m fine with threading in a GDoc or a server, but I will not thread over DMs. It’s difficult to have OOC chatter and the thread over the top of each other.

If you’re looking for a partner that writes a reply a day without fail, that’s not me. I prefer that we don’t have “posting schedules” or set posting times, because I find that it turns writing into a chore. It’s great if you reply immediately, and it’s totally okay if you need a week to figure something out! You’re absolutely free to poke me. I’m not always the most mindful. However, I’m not going to reply every day. Three to four times a week is my frequency.

PLOT PREFERENCES

I’m interested in both fandom and original settings, and I’m down for playing both canon characters and OCs. I don’t necessarily prefer one or the other. 

I definitely prefer canon doubling from my partners in fandom plots; I mesh better with people who do a little give-and-take when it comes to that. If you only play one canon character or only play OCs against canons and won’t play canons, I don’t think we’ll work.

I can play as many characters as needed, whether it’s just one or it’s six. Whatever our story calls for, I can manage that. In fact, I would love to play multiple “main” pairings so we can both get what we want, versus a single main pairing (unless it’s a pairing/dynamic we both like equally well). I find more than one facet to a plot really interesting, and multiple characters helps flesh out a story’s dimensions.

I’m absolutely interested in joining groups, so please don’t be shy about asking me to participate in plots with more than two players. So long as they don’t involve me writing sexual NSFW, we’re Gucci; everyone else writing NSFW isn’t a deal breaker for me.

Multiple threads and plots at the same time are no issue for me. In fact, I love the idea that we click so well that we just can’t stop coming up with good ideas! So definitely don’t be afraid to pitch something new to me, whether it’s because you want to switch gears (and drop a thread for another), or want to do everything at once.

Romance is a must for me! I prefer slow and agonizing journeys to get there, but my attention is best held by romantic chemistry between characters.

I can provide writing samples upon request, though I never require them from my partner. Additionally, I have some plots written out if you’re interested in that sort of thing. Otherwise, we can brainstorm together!

FANDOMS

I’m very much a fandom player. I’m always down for AUs, or inserting our own characters into the plots of fandoms! This is in no way a complete list; never be afraid to ask if I’m into something! I’ve probably forgotten a hundred things I love. 

Most of my fandoms will have favorite canon characters listed with them, both who I like playing and playing against; you’re always welcome to ask about others not listed.* There’s a good chance I’m pretty good with them!

*I will play OCs in every fandom, but I might not play canons in every fandom.

ALWAYS

The Bartimaeus Trilogy (Nathaniel, Kitty Jones, and Bartimaeus), DC (any Titan, Jinx, Arthur Curry, Steve Trevor, Circe, and Diana Prince), Elder Scrolls (player canons and/or OCs preferred, but feel free to ask about canons), Fallout: New Vegas and 4 (Arcade Gannon, Paladin Danse, R.J. MacCready, Arthur Maxson, Veronica Santangelo, Cait, Rose of Sharon Cassidy, and player canons), Game of Thrones (Sansa Stark, Robb Stark, Jon Snow, Cersei Lannister, Jaime Lannister, Ramsay Bolton, and Willas Tyrell), His Dark Materials (OCs preferred), Hunger Games (OCs preferred), Inception (Arthur, and Eames, but OCs preferred), Marvel (Peter Parker, Scott Lang, Bucky Barnes, Miles Morales, Loki Laufeyson, Thor Odinson, Gwen Stacy, Jean Grey, Ororo Munroe, Kitty Pryde, and Megan Gwynn), Miraculous Ladybug (Marinette Dupain-Cheng and Adrien Agreste), The Mortal Instruments (Simon Lewis, Raphael Santiago, and Alec Lightwood), Percy Jackson and the Olympians (Percy Jackson, Nico di Angelo, Annabeth Chase, Will Solace, Piper McLean, and Leo Valdez), Star Trek (Jim Kirk, Leonard McCoy, S'chn T'gai Spock, and Pavel Chekov), Star Wars (Obi Wan Kenobi, Jacen Solo, Jaina Solo, Jagged Fel, Mara Jade Skywalker, Rey Skywalker, Poe Dameron, Luke Skywalker, Boba Fett, Sintas Vel, and Ahsoka Tano), The Walking Dead (Glenn Rhee, and Negan), Warriors (Firestar, Squirrelflight, Jayfeather, and Hawkfrost)

SOMETIMES

Boku no Hero Academia (Bakugo Katsuki, Midoriya Izuku, Shinsou Hitoshi, Kaminari Denki, Kirishima Eijiro, Todoroki Shoto, and Uraraka Ochaco), Bungou Stray Dogs (OCs preferred, but feel free to ask about canons), Digimon (OCs preferred), Dragon Age (Fenris, Cullen Rutherford, Cassandra Pentaghast, and Dorian Pavus), Final Fantasy VII (Cloud Strife, Zack Fair, Reno, and Sephiroth), Harry Potter (Narcissa Malfoy, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, James Potter, Regulus Black, Draco Malfoy, Hermione Granger, and Luna Lovegood; play my favorite ship with me, and I’ll do whatever you want, literally.), Mystic Messenger (Choi Saeyoung, Han Jumin, Kang Jaehee, and Choi Saeran), Naruto (Hatake Kakashi, Umino Iruka, Gaara, Hyuuga Hinata, and Uchiha Sasuke), Ouran High School Host Club (Ootori Kyouya, Hitachiin Hikaru, and Hitachiin Kaoru), Pokémon (Red, Blue, N, Guzma, and player canons)

NOT SURE, BUT WILLING TO EXPLORE

Avatar: the Last Airbender (particularly Zutara), Eragon, Howl’s Moving Castle, Kiznaiver, The Legend of Zelda, Soul Eater, Steven Universe, Tokyo Ghoul, Twilight, Yuri!!! on Ice

GENRES

For the most part, I’ll genuinely play most any genre! Of course, everyone says that, but then they shoot down all your suggestions because everyone has stuff they don’t like doing. I’ll try to make this as brief as I can, and know that if something isn’t listed, but you’re pretty sure (based on everything else) that I’m into it, then definitely let me know what you’re thinking!

SETTINGS

A/B/O (I will not play only alphas for only omegas, nor will I play overly trope-y, non-con, “boys love”/"yaoi” plots.), Age of Sail, alien worlds/alien invasions, celebrity, fairytales and mythology (including “inspired by” retellings), fantasy (including medieval, urban, and high fantasy), alt-historical and modern royalty, mutants/gifted, organized crime, science fiction (especially including aliens), some historical (excluding medieval, colonial, and the Roaring Twenties/Great Depression), Southern gothic, supernatural, Victorian (especially the London ton), post-apocalyptic

PAIRING DYNAMICS

arranged marriage (I’m always down for slinging our characters together, whether or not they want to. It’s always a bonus if their families hate each other.), enemies to lovers (I love conflict of any sort, especially romantic!), human x not-human (The not-human must be sentient.), bad guy x good guy, intellectual x emotional, captive x captured (especially when the captured is willful, annoying, and full of fight), step-siblings (I don’t play step-parents x step-kids, so please don’t ask!), status/power imbalances (such as characters being from different socioeconomic strata or different ranks/positions in an organization), celebrity x bodyguard (I’m okay with the celebrity being the son/daughter/offspring of someone famous!), famous x not famous, rivals of any sort, unwilling traveling companions, unwilling soulmates

If any of this interests you, please feel free to reach out to me however! I’m really looking forward to hearing from you!

[whoishisaribi]

Summer

Work Title: Summer

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences

Archive Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply

Category: Slash

Fandoms: Teen Wolf (TV)

Relationships: Theo Raeken & Stiles Stilinski; Theo Raeken/Stiles Stilinski

Characters: Stiles Stilinski; Theo Raeken

Additional Tags: Asexual Character, Asexuality, Asexual Stiles Stilinski, Asexual Theo Raeken, Fluff, Fluff without Plot, Getting Together, Self-Acceptance, Alternate Universe- No Supernatural, Alternate Universe - No Werewolves, Tara Raeken Lives, Everyone Is Alive, Theo Raeken Has Issues, Mentioned Stiles Stilinski/Malia Tate, Past Relationship(s), mentioned Theo Raeken/Tracy Stewart, Alcohol, Family Drama, Light Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Human Theo Raeken

Language: English

Words: 4915

Summary:  Theo felt like a failure for his whole life. With Stiles, he feels like less of a failure.

Theo was handsome and he knew it perfectly well. He worked hard to get this body, such a look and was not ashamed to use it.

And why should he? Manipulation was amusing, much funnier, than just outright asking people to give him what he wanted. It was kind of a challenge, to make people think they decided something themselves.

Maybe he was emotionally constipated because of all the shit that happened in the 'picture-perfect' family of his, like possible parents divorce, sister's depression and his own inability to see himself as something but a failure. Though, one cannot prove anything.

So Theo threw himself in parties, manipulating people and using his body. Unhealthy? Sure. Didn't provide needed relief? Yes. Made him angry that he was a failure because of not feeling anything? Absolutely.

Maybe everything would be easier if he at least found sex appealing the way his classmates did. But other than 'yeah, it was sex, we fucked, now I have fewer hormones in my body to ruin my mood' he felt nothing. Neither with girls nor with guys.

But he didn't. He knew what attracted others and decided to roll with it. The worst thing about sex, though, was that people wanted something more, like, relationships or whatever. Theo didn't want one. Not now, and not with someone, who would probably turn their back at him, if they get even a glimpse of all the shit that's happening in his life and mind.

And the only person who really didn't buy his whole look and attitude so far was Stiles. Theo wondered about him sometimes. Beacon Hills was a small town, and Beacon Hills High was tiny. Everybody knew each other. And also there was no one who didn't know Stiles.

The guy had a very weird idea about networking, and he also seemed to know everything about everyone. If one wanted information and help, they should seek Stiles, or whatever. At the same time he had a strange price, and also his help was sometimes worse than doing it themselves.

It kind of intrigued Theo in a way, that this description suited a trickster entity more than some teenage guy who flailed too much and was sheriff's son. Theo didn't want to ask around, not because he really believed Stiles knew everything in this school, but because he didn't want to attract attention to this little interest of his.

Though, some irrational part of his mind thought that Stiles could get him. He always looked at the one he talked to with this weird intensity, that made a lot of people uncomfortable. Theo had a misfortune to feel it on his own skin. Stiles' eyes almost turned black, and it felt like he could read one's mind, or change it.

And maybe some small part of Theo hoped Stiles saw real him. Just to have someone, who he could just relax with, without a thought in his head. Without this overwhelming feeling like the world was falling apart around him and he was not enough to do anything about it.

But that was just a delusion, one of a few he allowed himself to have.

***

Theo kept screwing around just for the fun of it, maybe to feel something, to test the boundaries he can or cannot cross. He wasn't stupid enough to try any drugs or even cigarettes, but he was reckless enough to try any extreme sport he could find. Nothing really matched his beloved skateboard. Though, climbing was almost fun.

He was driving back to Beacon Hills after the ride to the next town. There was a piece of better climbing equipment, and also Tara's therapist because their mother was too ashamed she even needed therapy to let her visit the local mental facility. Theo called it bullshit, and always rode her there.

When they were riding through preserve road, he noticed something unusual, a broken car with someone bent over the bumper. There was only one person in their town to ride such godawful baby-blue jeep: Stiles.

Tara flinched when the car stopped. "What, did you decide to finally get rid of me?" she asked with a weak smile.

Theo looked at her for a few seconds, because he never really gave her even the idea that he would like to not have her. Well, at least, he thought so. "No," he finally answered and undid the safety belt. "My classmate's car seems to be broken, gonna ask what's up".

"And when did you become so nice?" Tara huffed and leaned back at the seat.

"You're breaking my heart," Theo added theatrically.

"That's the only thing I can do," came the bitter answer. Theo clenched his chin and left the car. That's mental illness talking in her, and, honestly, Theo had no strength to really deal with it right now. It was almost pointless.

"Hey," Theo said when came close enough to the car.

Stiles flinched and raised duct tape like he was going to hit Theo with it. It looked almost comical, but of one image, that he would have some kind of stepper– well, better not think about it. Stiles really looked startled for a few seconds, probably, before he registered who was next to him. Eyes almost comically open, and mouth as well.

"Oh, Theo, hey, man," Stiles sighed and put his hand down. "Isn't it too late for you to drive this road?"

"I can say the same about you," Theo smirked and flexed his shoulders.

Stiles didn't even look down from his face. "Well, then let's not ask this question," he huffed and looked back at his jeep.

"Need a hand?" Theo leaned on the bumper, looking at the insides of the jeep, and, honestly, that sight would follow him in nightmares. So many duct tape should be illegal, Theo wondered how did Stiles even make this thing move.

"Well, you already here, so yeah," Stiles chuckled. "Try to start it."

Theo nodded and went to the driver seat. Well, Stiles didn't really react, maybe, he didn't like guys. Though, no, Theo certainly saw how he was making out with Isaac just a few weeks ago. He was pretty passionate. Later he kissed Caitlin, also during the game of truth or dare, so, no, Stiles was attracted to both.

The car didn't ignite. "Ok, stop," Stiles said and came back to the jeep. Theo left the car.

"Maybe you should call a mechanic?" He suggested. Stiles shrugged.

"I will, but only if I won't make her work."

Theo didn't comment on how Stiles called this piece of junk 'she'. People tend to get attached to things. Plus it was nice to know it, just in case.

"We may try and kickstart it, or, at least, help you take it to repair service".

Stiles didn't answer right away, so Theo wondered if he even heard him.

"Why did you even stop? You aren't an altruistic type," Stiles still didn't look up.

And this phrase felt like a hit. It wasn't bitter, or exactly untrue, but Stiles said it like he really wondered about reasons.

"I may not be altruistic, but I am decent enough to recognize someone who needs help. Because this road doesn't have a mobile connection, does it?"

Stiles paused. "Right," he muttered. "Try one more time".

The car didn't start, not even close.

"Well, will you give me a pull?"

"Wanna kickstart it?" Theo nodded.

"Yeah, I have the rope somewhere."

And so they spent a few minutes attaching Stiles' jeep to Theo's. Tara was weirdly silent this whole time, so Theo was glad when he saw her fast asleep.

"Anyway," Stiles said, stopping right next to driver's seat. "If it won't kickstart, maybe you can get me to the repair service on Elm Street?"

"Sure," Theo nodded and smiled. Stiles didn't even smirk and went back to the car.

"Classmate, huh," Tara mumbled when Theo started the car again.

"You know him, Stiles," Theo answered. He saw Stiles waving at him when he got into the car, so he rode down the road.

"This kid from the little league with big ears?" Tara huffed. "Well, some adulting did him good."

"Did it," Theo mused.

"And here I thought you have eyes," Tara huffed and turned around. "The car didn't start, by the way. So what's the plan?"

"We take him to the repair service," Theo shrugged.

"Ok. I hope he’s worth all this time."

More times than not Tara sounded like an asshole. Theo, once again, decided to ignore it.

***

"Thanks, man, you really helped me," Stiles smiled weakly and patted Theo's shoulder. He could feel the gesture was genuine, and not the one some people initiate to just touch him.

Theo learned not to touch people first, and not even come close if he didn't want to be intimidating. Sometimes he had a feeling, people found his face intimidating when he didn't put an effort into keeping it friendly.

"No problem, it wasn't a bother. Do you want a ride home as well?"

"Nah, my dad’s gonna get me," Stiles waived his hands. "And, besides, I guess, Tara is tired anyway, so get her home".

Theo was a bit surprised he recognized Tara. He also very doubted she really wanted to go home, but Stiles had no chance of knowing so. Also, he didn't see a reason to push it.

"Ok. Well, good luck with the car," because only sheer luck could even save this jeep.

"Thanks," Stiles nodded and went back to repair station.

Tara didn't comment on this at all. When they got home, the father wasn't at home, and the mother sat at the table and lulled the wine-glass. Yeah, everything was just the usual.

***

Lydia Martin's end of the school year party was a big event for them all. Well, she held the best parties, so Theo was just happy to be here. A lot of people gathered there, you could always talk to whoever, drink and relax. He didn’t allow himself to become way too drunk, because in this state he would just get into a fight. The only one who saw him like that was Josh, he also was the person who helped afterward to deal with the hangover.

This party’s goal wasn’t to get drunk, it wasn’t even really to relax. Theo observed Stiles and came to some interesting thoughts before, but now he became sure of it.

Stiles always joked inappropriately, flirted left and right, he was touchy-feely with everyone of his gang, and, for whatever reason, he didn't have any significant other since Malia moved elsewhere. Theo knew rumors about Stiles being bi, saw it. He also heard, Malia broke up with him over something. They both were tight-lipped about personal gossips. Maybe they decided to stay in long-distance relationships, but, as far as Theo saw on her facebook page (and as far as he remembers actively flirting with her), she didn't consider herself to be with Stiles.

So, what made a pretty outgoing guy, with a decent look, stay away from dating and making an actual move on someone – that was something interesting. He doubted Stiles didn’t have people asking him out, or, at least, being explicitly into him. Maybe, if Theo would still have this interest at the beginning of the next school year, he’ll go for it.

Stiles was joking around, always smiling, flailing, and there was a group of people around him, catching his every word and movement. He was fascinating.

"Ya dun listen," Tracy said, a bit tipsy. He really hoped someone would take her home because he didn't really feel like it.

"You said Corey and Mason are making out in the bedroom," Theo repeated and looked back at her. She was really drunk, and he, probably, would have to take her home, the sooner the better.

They had a few nights stands not so long ago, but he didn’t want it to become something permanent. She did, though. Still wished. Theo really hoped the summer in Europe would change that. Tracy was leaving in a few days.

He noticed Stiles’ gaze. It was so fast, so it might be some sort of wishful thinking.

***

It was just the first week of summer vacations. The family was insufferable once again. Father was getting on Tara for not finishing her education and just abandoning it, he also said something of how they won’t have enough money to educate one more failure. So Theo screamed back at him, of how they would have more money if he didn’t spend it all on his bitch, cheating bastard. Or how he ruined everything.

Theo rarely had a screaming match with any of his parents, preferring to release his anger doing some extreme sports, working out in the gym or whatever. But this– this was it. Father was too shocked to fight, Tara giggled hysterically and left the room, and mother just clapped slowly.

So Theo just ran, took his skateboard, and left the house, while parents began arguing again. He heard exactly the same arguments for the last eight years since that incident with Tara getting lost in the forest and barely surviving in the cold. Somehow the almost tragedy just made their family worse to wear.

He had some favorite places to skate when he wanted to be left alone. This was some rare time he could forget about all the things that made his head hurt and just feel his board underneath. How he needed to keep the balance of his body to not fall. Honestly, if Theo had a chance, he would like to just skate.

This ramp was the empty Hales house pool. There was a big fire that killed almost every family member, and this tragedy created just one more weird urban legend about this house. As for Theo, Hales just had a pretty neat pool. It was big, kind of round and just perfect.

The walk in the preserve was nice, and probably deadly, so more adrenaline for him. But he didn’t care. Maybe when he would come back home, his father would be gone for good, or Theo would have a very awkward time. He couldn’t wait for his coming of legal age this autumn, to just leave. Yes, he would still be in his senior year, but he could manage.

"You know, they say if you are near old Hale house at the exact moment of sunset, you may hear their screams," the male voice startled Theo, but he still landed smoothly on the bottom of the pool and looked up.

Stiles was here, wearing a dark blue hoodie and just looking more relaxed than a transpassing son of the sheriff even should.

"I'm not here to check it, though," Theo shrugged. "Just to skate."

"And why exactly do you excuse himself," Stiles huffed and squatted next to the border of the pool. "It's not like we are on private property, right?" his smile became wide, and still didn't reach his eyes.

"I won't tell if you don't," Theo's smile was a bit crooked.

How Josh put it once, Theo had a ‘resting bitch face’, and it could scare people without a smile. And, well, sometimes he did use this for his benefit, as well as his attractiveness. Now he felt like it all was in vain because Stiles just blinked and began tapping the ground in front of him.

"Well, if you tell on me, I'll tell about you".

"Sounds right," Theo nodded. He took his right leg from the board and took it from the ground. "So, what, are you going to stay to listen to last Hale's screams?"

"Yeah, the sunset is in like a minute or two. Are you?"

"If you want me to keep you a company," Theo flexed his shoulders, silently attracting Stiles' attention.

Stiles didn't even lower his gaze, still looking at Theo's face.

"Of course I do, if rumors are true, Hales didn't just scream, they howled. And their howl attracts wolves, who would eat any unfortunate soul who is close enough. And I run faster than you do, so there is a bigger chance I'll survive," Stiles said it completely seriously, and Theo's mind shortcut. He stared at Stiles, feeling weird like he spoke to Tara on her bad days. Then he looked sideways, feeling the small honest smile.

"Well, there weren't any wolves in California for fifty years, so, I guess, we're safe," Theo went to Stiles, put the board next to him and raised himself from the bottom only using his hands.

"But there are coyotes, and they're even worse," Stiles winced and shook his head. "Their howl sounds like a human cry."

Stiles didn't really look at Theo, just at the forest behind the pool.

"Are you alone?" Theo asked, more out of politeness, and not because he was curious.

"Yeah," Stiles didn't reply more, even though Theo guessed, Scott didn’t come with him. Maybe he was with Allison again, because she didn’t leave this summer. "And you are as well, and also on your feet," he nodded and stood up, turning his attention, from the forest to Theo. There were no sun rays because of the tall trees rounding the house, so his eyes looked almost black.

"Mhm," Theo nodded. He kept looking at Stiles eyes, uncomfortable to down his gaze but also feeling weirdly scrutinized by his look. It wasn't particularly calculating, but still unpleasant.

Theo wondered what exactly happened to Stiles, to make him look that old when eye to eye. And why he acted so differently, compared to what he saw just a week ago.

"Wanna ride, if we survive the run against wolves?" Stiles was the first to avert his gaze, mostly because he looked at the house.

Theo didn't even know one could feel like prey when somebody like Stiles looked at them. Like, yes, compared to the Little League time, he did grow up well, but Theo couldn't really call him commonly handsome. Maybe because he wasn't looking at him much, but anyway. He was lanky, his nose was weirdly upturned, and, well, he still made it work, when he was animated and more alive than this intensity he gave some weird urban legend vibe.

"You know," Stiles began with a small smile on his lips. "There were a few cases of something wolf-like to attack people lately, next to the old Hale house".

Theo felt his stomach sink. Screw this, Stiles could be outright terrifying, and Theo now understood perfectly well where his reputation came from.

"You are joking, right?" He asked, changing his voice to sound more skeptical and sarcastic.

"I'm not," Stiles shrugged. "Oh, look, the sun is gone, and no howling, huh. I guess, the legend is false and it just so happened that all bodies were found somewhere nearby. Though maybe coyotes decided to make a den out of Hale house, and all the now-corpses just came too close. Well, we'll never know," Stiles put his hand on Theo's shoulder. "Let's go".

It was probably the weirdest thing that happened that day.

***

“Is your car even working today?" Theo asked with a smile when they went back to the road.

"If you want a lift home you'll stop bad mouthing my baby,” Stiles huffed.

“Of course I do, but I saw the monstrosity your jeep’s insides were. That’s like Lovecraftian abomination, that definitely only runs on the sheer magic of elder gods,” Theo shrugged. Stiles huffed and pushed him a bit.

“No, really. So many duct tape should be illegal. I wonder how do you even make this thing move.”

“Maybe I am the elder abomination,” Stiles said with an absolutely straight face, but then he smiled, and even in the darkness his features softened. “Just kidding, though there are a lot of weird things going on in Beacon Hills, like this Hale house rumor is resent, there are so many things that exist even before we were born.”

“Wanna explore?” Theo said without really thinking about it. He felt like this was his chance to get out of the house, and, well, this sounded interesting.

“Hell yeah, man!” Stiles exclaimed happily and almost jumped, which was potentially the bad idea in the dark wood when neither of them bothered with the flashlight. Though he managed not to fall, and they finally reached the jeep.

Miraculously, the car started. It was even nice inside, the decent smell, and it seemed to be well-kept. Stiles didn’t have a normal radio, but there was a police one. They didn’t even acknowledge its presence.

When they were riding back to the town, Stiles was talking about all unsolved mysteries of Beacon Hills. There were surprisingly a lot of them, and Theo found himself liking this.

***

They spent almost every day together. Stiles was livid about everything he could get his hands on. He also flirted with everybody, but it seemed natural, something he didn’t even think of, before doing. It was the same as breathing to him, and it’s been a while since Theo got so many mixed signals. It was really distracting.

Stiles was probably more happy about someone to really listen to his ramblings, than the fact they ventured into all these abandoned buildings.

Theo spent more time in the library than he ever did in his life. And it was a nice change of pace because his family life went to hell after that one time.

Parents finally decided to push the divorce. They didn’t set the process in the trial yet, because Theo was underage, and they would have to deal with ‘who’s going to take care of him’. Neither wanted to.

After one more family scene, Tara decided to move with her girlfriend she found in the neighbor town. That also created a stink, so Theo just– preferred not to come home a lot. Not that any of them noticed.

Stiles was actually chill about giving him a place to sleep during the night, or just take him somewhere in the nighttime. He was already eighteen, and also the sheriff’s son, so nobody really questioned him. He also knew all patrol routes, which was a bit scary.

At some point Theo found himself thinking, that he liked being with Stiles. Not as the way to distract himself from family drama, but genuinely being with him. Listening to his ramblings, watching him flail, frown, and also sit down together in silence. Theo didn’t think Stiles was even capable of being silent or still before. But he was when he read some old archives with the intensity only he was capable of. When he tried to figure something out.

Theo was screwed.

So he decided to go for it, even if Stiles’ mixed signals weren’t about romance.

“Maybe we should just go to the cinema today?” he proposed. “I think, the movie you talked about like a week ago is out already.”

Stiles blinked and looked up, surprised. His mouth was open like Theo just said something impossible. Maybe he did.

“Oh, yeah, I think it should,” Stiles coughed and looked down at the paper he was reading, perplexed. “Uh, yes, right.” He nodded to something in his thought.

“Should we call it a date, I wonder,” Theo smiled and leaned closer to Stiles over the table.

He blinked and raised his eyebrows.

“Well, sure, though I thought all our adventures were dates as well,” he teased and also leaned to Theo. He did it way too fast and sudden, so they almost hit their heads.

The laugh was way too loud, and if the librarian cared, she would scream at them in this weird scream-whisper. Just to not feel awkward.

So in their usual ‘let’s play Buzzfeed unsolved’ game became more varied. It was almost nice, Theo almost forgot why he didn’t date.

Until they were in a cafe and he saw the kissing pair. It wasn’t that Stiles and Theo didn’t kiss or cuddle. No, they both enjoyed it, even though that was a bit awkward at first.

But with all of this usually came sex. And he needed to try to go for it. Because even though Stiles never really talked about it directly, that was something they were supposed to do as a couple. So, while summer was still going, it wasn’t even the end of July, Theo decided on the plan.

***

They took Theo’s jeep this time, even though Stiles complained all the way. He didn’t want to believe his car won’t be able to ride all this way.

It was midday when they finally reached the beach. It wasn’t completely empty, but there weren’t a lot of people around. They weren’t really fans of nature, but it was romantic and fun.

They were messing around in the water, swimming and just being together. Stiles liked, that there was some sort of legend about it. That was actually how they ended up here, to check it.

The evening wore on. They decided to stay here for the night. The beach was below, and the car on the top of the rocky cliff. Theo had one look down to see that he didn’t want to fell. In the night the beach they messed around on would be under water.

Theo took some warm blankets and pillows. They thought about starting the fire but decided against it. Everything was way too wet. Belatedly, Theo hoped they won’t get ill or whatever. Maybe he should’ve taken the tent. Did they even have a tent?

“Woah, so many stars,” Stiles said.

“Yeah,” Theo hugged his shoulders and kissed Stiles’ jawline softly and almost lazily, even though he felt tense. Like that, it slowly turned into a kiss.

It happened enough times for Theo to know how to act. He always was the one who initiated sex, so it shouldn't be hard. Almost nobody stopped him before, so he should’ve done everything right. His body was reacting accordingly to such closeness, but it still didn’t make him wish for sex. He liked Stiles enough for it to be a bit more pleasant.

Theo put his hand on Stiles’ stomach and traced his fingers down to the line of his sweatpants.

“No, Theo,” Stiles said and leaned back. Theo tried to reach for the kiss instinctively but stopped in the track. Ok, it isn’t the first time somebody tells him ‘no’, but that were one-night stands, and not somebody he, kind of, dated. Was it too rushed? Did Theo do something wrong?

He felt a bit guilty, that there was a relief.

“Ugh, don't take it personally,” Stiles said. He sat down, and Theo did as well. “That’s just, I’m asexual.”

Theo blinked and frowned. He, kind of, never heard of that before. Stiles didn’t let him ask, though, and kept explaining. Maybe his face told him a lot.

“That’s just, I’m not particularly interested in sex. Like, I can have it, but, I don’t really want it. So, that’s, ugh, you know, telling it to Malia was easier for whatever reason,” Stiles huffed and rubbed his face.

“Huh,” Theo said, almost against his own will. Something felt just right about that. “So that’s a normal thing? I mean, the lack of desire or whatever?”

Like he wasn’t a failure at least somewhere.

“Well, yeah,” Stiles blinked. “Like, everyone says ‘if you don’t want to have sex, you aren’t a real man’ or whatever. But that’s just the absence of want, and that’s totally fine.”

“So,” Theo began, almost shyly. Ok, it felt surreal in a way. “If we just lie down, without sex, cuddle and so on, that’s alright?”

Stiles looked almost as lost, as Theo felt after that, then he nodded.

They laid on pillows and Theo hugged Stiles again. They spent a few minutes in silence, Stiles didn’t talk. He put his hand on Theo’s thigh and squeezed, almost nudged.

“I always thought there is something wrong with me because I didn’t really want it,” Theo confessed softly. “I had sex, so, probably, I’m not really asexual, am I?”

“Nah, you're fine,” Stiles rocked his leg. “I also had sex, and I even enjoyed it, but it doesn’t mean I want it all the time. Like, when I look at someone, it doesn’t mean I want to jump on them and fuck like bunnies. People just don’t get it.”

Theo nodded absently.

“Besides,” Stiles continued. “We are both the same, so that makes our life so much easier.”

“Yeah,” Theo still tried to wrap his head around the fact, that it was ok to not feel sexual desire or whatever.

“We can talk about that some more, or when we come home,” Stiles suggested.

“Home,” Theo said and relaxed.

“I have a few powerpoint presentations for you. I put all my heart in it.”

Theo remembered this one time he saw Stiles’ presentation and laughed softly. Yes, sure, that’s going to be a disaster.

“Hey,” Stiles’ grip on his thigh strengthened.

“I’ll watch it all anyway,” Theo said and kissed his temple.

Stiles murmured something about how great at presentations he is. Then he switched to the topic of stars and constellations. Theo listened to his voice and hugged him tighter.

The knot around his heart, this feeling of being a failure just about everything, let go, even if just a little bit. He needed to hear that, maybe told exactly by Stiles.