#like a long term thing i want to achieve but cant and wont

[thegreatyin]

as soon as i finish this current cycle he'll have 51 levels of SMEN, which means i only need to spend another 200+ actions to get another 7 levels...

checks notes. at least twice more. probably three times more, since 51 + 7 = 58, and 58 + 7 = 65, and 65 is just barely short of the minimum 68 i need to be completely done with winking isle.

he should be done around mid-february at the latest. hopefully way earlier. after that will probably be a candle-collecting marathon, and after that,

well.

we all know what happens after that.

winking isle really is a sisyphus simulator. one must imagine caeru happy etc etc

[aquanova99]

𝕋𝕙𝕖 𝕊𝕙𝕒𝕕𝕠𝕨 𝕒𝕟𝕕 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕊𝕖𝕣𝕒𝕡𝕙𝕚𝕞

Azriel x OC

Part 3

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➽───────────────❥

Well, that was a dumb idea. Why? Why did she feel the need to do that? Callista’s brows furrowed as her body curled into itself. She hadn’t even asked the young woman if she could use her magic on her. She couldn’t stop looking at her eyes. Sad at the suggestion of flight, but no tears at the long since acceptance of her position, her fate. Callista had to remind herself that she didn’t know these people, she had to remember Azriel’s warnings. If they somehow found her home, would they try and exploit everyone’s gifts? Fight these wars everyone seems on edge about? Part of her was worried it was a dream, and when she woke up she would be back in Luminia, part of her was hopeful she didn’t put everyone at risk by leaving. The light shining through one of the windows caused her eyes to reflectively squeeze even tighter. She forced herself to breathe before trying to open them.

The second he heard her move Azriel was the side of the bed. His wings blocked out the light and her eyes fluttered open. “How long?”

“Why would you do that?” Azriel was suddenly unable to keep the composure he’d been holding in for the past day and a half. “How could you do that? I had no idea what was happening. Your wings—”

“Are fine now.” She sat up and extended them to show the colors back and vibrant as usual, “Now, how long was I out?”

Azriels lips formed a tight line, he forced himself to speak as calmly as he could through clenched teeth, “….About 36 hours.”

“Objectively… that isn’t too bad. I’ve had worse.” She stretched and yawned, still coming to terms about her location, “How’s Emerie?”

“How are you?? How did you do that? Why did you—”

“Fall?” Azriel nodded, “I can heal almost anything but depending on the severity of something it takes a bit of energy out of me. A broken bone…those are usually easily, because every bone is supposed to set in a certain way. But something like a wing, I had to connect the tendon that was snipped. It’s still there just severely damaged. Almost recreating it, then it requires more of me. I had to figure out a lot of things when that fire broke out… but I don’t know everything so a lot of healing depends on magic and what I want to achieve.”

She shrugged as if putting her life in danger was no big deal to her. “It sounds like it could kill you.”

“I guess it could. I just haven’t had to use it in awhile.” Azriels eyes seemed to shine with a fury, she couldn’t quite understand. “Did I do something wrong?”

“Can you heal yourself?” At this point everything was now an interrogation. He would not risk her risking her life again. A protectiveness he had never felt before took over his entire being. He had been crouched next to the bed staring slightly up at Callista as she sat up and answered every question. For a brief moment, he wondered if was pushing her, possibly hindering any healing she was supposed to undergo. His worry won over any possible hesitation. Callista placed her hand on his face ever so gently. Her scars like the roots of an old tree spread down her arms

“I’m fine. Truly.” She looks at the scars trailing down her arm and grimaces at the sight of them. She tries to pull her hand back but fails. Azriel’s hand holds hers in place, she’s been trying to avoid it, but she cant ignore the fury in his eyes.

“You will not do that again.”

…

“I’m serious Callista. That kind of ability could put you in serious danger. Promise me you wont do it again.”

So he wasn’t angry at her. He did have a point. She was being careless. She didn’t know these people, if one of them were put in a difficult situation its hard to say what information they would divulge. Worse, what if they didn’t break? How far would these people go? Would they put their lives on the line to protect a secret that had no need to be shared? Stupid. Her eyes stung as she thought about the danger she put everyone in. She could only nod at Azriel’s request. Shame coursed through her veins.

Azriel softened, he gently brought her hand down to her lap and clasped his other hand around it, “I’m sorry.”

“Why would you be sorry? It was wrong of me to do something like that without even asking. You’re right. I was being selfish. My people, you all…if something happened to you—”

“Me?” Azriel was shocked. He’d been certain he had frightened her by yelling. He had been worried but it was no excuse. Not after what she had done for Emerie. After what she may have risked just coming back with him. He sat next to her, still worried about possibly pushing her away. He wondered if he would ever get over that, still he was intrigued. Why would she be worried about him?

“Couldn’t you get into trouble? For hiding what I can do?”

“I suppose. Being able to avoid detection helps.”

“And your friends?” This got his attention, was she worried they would break? “if they got into trouble I would never forgive myself. And I doubt you would either…”

“You think I would blame you if something happen—”

“I think you would try not to. But emotions are not logical. I don’t suppose your high lord could erase memories.” She laughs regardless of how much she wishes it were so easy.

“He can actually. But none of us would accept that.” Azriel shrugs

“It could keep you safe.”

“…No.”

“No?”

“My dear, our court is hardly in anyone’s good graces. Your abilities wouldn’t be the first thing they would think to torture out of us.” He could immediately see the effect his words had on him. All he was doing was confirming her worst fears. “We’ll be fine, Callista.”

She turned to face him, trying to read his usual unreadable face, hopeful she would be able to tell if he was telling the truth. When she had first met him his face, his body both mentally and physically seemed pained. She now knew what had been on his mind when he pushed his body past exhaustion, but since that first day he’s seemed wary to give any emotion away on his face. Up until now, she had assumed he could care less one way or another about helping her out. Maybe coming back only to prove to himself he could do it, to do something no one had done before. But he seemed genuinely concerned, worried about her own safety over his own.

She could only nod, “How is she?”

“Emerie? She’s terrified. Thinks it’s a spell that will wear off, so she been waiting for you to get better. Make sure she doesn’t get her hopes up. Are you ready?”

“As I’ll ever be.”

Everyone was waiting for them in the sitting room. Waiting to ask questions. “Please, sit.” Nesta gestured to a spot next to her, “How are you feeling?”

“Still regaining my energy, it seems. But fine. What would you like to know? Or should I start?”

“Please, go ahead. Better we don’t bombard you with endless questions.” Nesta continued

“I’ve been dealing with this kind of magic for a while. It’s permanent. It always takes some amount of energy but the bigger the issue the more it takes. I cannot heal something from nothing, so if you were to get your wings cut off I wouldn’t be able to make them grow back. Did I miss anything?” She ignores Emerie taking a deep breath

Cassian glances at Azriel who just shrugs. Emerie’s eyes begin to water. Gwyn rubs her back, “We told you.”

“Thank you…” She says through broken sobs.

“Actually, I apologize. I shouldn’t have made an assumption, even then I could have warned you. But I am glad it worked o—” Emery tackled her in a hug and kissed her cheek. Azriel stiffened and forced himself to remember Emerie was not a threat.

“Thank you.” She runs back to grab Nesta and Gwyn. They embrace her and Nesta squeezes Callistas shoulder before running off with her two sisters. All overjoyed to see Emery regain something they all knew had broken something deep inside her long ago. As far as Nesta was concerned, she was indebted to the newcomer.

“Take care of her Az!” Nesta waves as the girls run out the door. Azriel still stunned and conflicted at Emerie’s affection. Cassian tried to stifle the laugh building in his chest.

“Where are you planning on starting?” He asked his friend

“Maybe Dawn, or Summer Court?” Azriel offered

“I want to see where you’re from.” Callista hurried to explain herself as both men froze, “This training camp—it would be interesting to learn a new skill.”

“No.” Azriel couldn’t even begin to fathom her stepping foot there. Too dangerous. He was sure his kind would immediately flock to her. Try and get away with doing some of the worst things imaginable.

“Did you not say my people were unprepared for a fight? I should learn some techniques to take back.”

“Cassian could train you here. Emerie or Nesta could train you here. That camp is the worst part of Prythian.” The things they would do to you…he thought to himself. Callista shrugged in acceptance.

“End with Dawn.” Cassian interjected, “Get spring and fall out of the way. Don’t stick around too long.”

“You both worry too much. But I do want to thank you again for offering up your home.”

“We’ve heard you did the same.” Cassian smiled at Callista then turned serious, “You’re going to need to speak to Rhys soon enough. He is going to want to know how far your gift extends.”

A warning, Callista decided. She could feel Azriels eyes burning a hole in the back of her head. She decides to leave before starting another fracture between his friends, regardless of her opinion of them, they were still all Azriel knew. She nodded at Cassian, fluttering her wings just enough to reach his height and deliver a kiss on the cheek, “Thank you. I’m sure we will return by the days end.”

She ran back the second her feet touched the ground. Grabbing Azriels hand and squeezing it to let him know she was good to go. It only seemed to break his train of thought but he couldn’t help but smile as she beamed at him, he slightly nodded, “Ready?”

➽───────────────❥

She closed her eyes and squeezed his hand again. Her skin grew cold as the shadows enveloped her again. She wished she could see how it worked, but she trusted Azriel and didn’t dare break any trust in her. Before she could open her eyes again, she was overwhelmed with the floral perfumes surrounding her. She opened her eyes before Azriel needed to alert her that it was safe. Azriel had chosen a place most likely to be safe but they would not be able to stay here for long, relations with Tamlin and even the spring court were as tense as ever. He didn’t need to give Rhys another reason to worry further.

“What do you think?”

“Its beautiful…If I had your gift I would never stop looking for somewhere new to explore. Is that how you found this place?” She looked back at him, ready to inquire about this clearly secluded area. Flowers she could only imagine and dream of surrounded her, climbing up the trees. Whatever small lake the had arrived at seem clear and bottomless as it glimmered with some kind of magic. Any questions she had would have to wait, she looked at Azriel’s all too serious face. His posture was too similar to the way he seemed at dinner the first day she’d arrived. “Azriel?”

“What? Nothing. Everythings fine.”

“Well that’s good, but it isn’t what I asked.”

“I’m sorry. I must have been distracted. What?”

“I take it we cant stay here long?”

“Unfortunately, not. We aren’t exactly amicable with the spring court.”

“Why not?”

Azriel hesitates. Its not really his story to tell, besides it could get her in trouble if she meets the wrong people. Before he can say anything everything goes silent and his head snaps towards the direction he knows his friend will winnow from. He gets in front of Callista throwing her behind him. Rhys walks out unconcerned.

“Really?”

“What are you doing here?” Azriel spat out

“Besides the fact you shouldn’t risk being in here, I came to speak to your…friend.” He faces her with an expression made of stone, “I found what you came here for.”

Before Azriel could decode what he was talking about Callista stepped out from behind him, “You really must want me gone. Very well. Show me.”

“I assume I’ll see you back in the Night court then? Unless of course, you’d rather come with me?” He smirked, Azriel had never been so ready to fight someone he’d once considered one of his only friends. He felt his arm lift as Callista linked her arms with his.

“No. I’ll pass, thank you.”

Rhysand nods and disappears. Azriel tries not to let the disappointment show on his face. Why hadn’t he helped him before, those were months wasted when he could have been with…or rather could have helped Callista. He knew it was selfish, but he wasn’t ready for her to go. Since his time under the mountain Azriel knew the things Rhysand went through and was forced to comply with were unimaginable. So much so that any shift in his plans drove him crazy. Even more so now that Nyx was around. Everything had to go according to plan, if it didn’t it brought out a side he wasn’t sure he liked. No matter how much he empathized.

“You shouldn’t hold so much resentment for him. As poor as his judgement towards me may be, its clear he cares about you. He is trying to keep those he holds dear close.”

“So its alright he treats you this way?” Azriel shakes his head, “No. He should trust my judgement. I’ve never failed him, theres no reason—” Azriel is silenced by the feeling of her lips, ever light as a feather, graze his cheeks.

“I suppose you’ll have to show me around some other time. Come. We shouldn’t keep your brother waiting,”

Azriel blinks as he tries to regain his train of thought. He ends up only nodding and squeezing her hand tight and she smiles before closing her eyes.

➽───────────────❥

Azriel tries to not be instantly agitated at the sight of Rhysand sitting with his arms behind his head. As if there was nothing amiss. As if he couldn’t have given you this information months ago. He gestures to a book that looked as if it would crumble if it wasn’t handled properly. Callista warily approaches the ancient script. Azriel finally seems to notice that his hand was still intertwined with hers when she finally lets go to more carefully examine what Rhysand has offered her. He hates that he’s so bothered by the ease of which she let go. Has he always been so possessive over his friends? No, never like this. Never like her. She had ingrained herself into him, became a part of him he was terrified would disappear. That was the problem. It was difeerent this time. He could accept that he wasn’t enough for the other, hell he certainly would never be enough for her, but he couldn’t let her go. Not now. A small rational part of his brain told him to go slow. Be wary. He had only known her for a matter of days. Was that all it took to get him to not look back? Had he only latched onto her because he was desperate to have someone? Had he simply fallen for someone no one had any agency over? Was he willing to leave the people he had known his entire life for her? What if she rejected him as well? What would he do then?

Azriel cant make sense of the markings on the page but Callista studies every one intently. As he begins to worry  she turns to face him, feeling a kind of shift with shadows that encircle him. The two make eye contact only for a second before Azriel looks away, pain etched deep withing his eyes. Rhysand shifts in his seat and Azriel straightens up, he tells himself to get himself together. Whats one more rejection anyway?

“Find what you’re looking for?” Rhysand asks

“I—I don’t know.”

“Only one way to find out.” He shrugs

“I suppose you’re right… Azriel?” He can only dread whats coming, “You’ll have to forgive me. You’ll have to show me around another time.”

“Whenever you wish.” He smiles and bows his head, “Shall we head back?”

“I will be taking her Az. You’ve done enough traveling?”

“Really?” Callista interjects before Azriel can protest, “I’m surprised you’d be willing to leave your family for so long. And unprotected as well. I’m honored. Do you know where you’re going? Wouldn’t want you to be unable to make it back if the spell doesn’t work.”

“I—”

“Don’t be ridiculous Callista, Azriel can take you. Cant he Rhys?” Feyre steps in and sits on the high lord’s lap who can only take a deep breath and relent. He waves Azriel off, and he nods his head for Callista to follow. He wanted to talk to her before they left. She followed him all the way back to the house of wind.

“So…those markings…they’ll help?”

“Ancient runes, I’ve studied some from the books back home.”

“You remember everything?”

She pulls out her left hand, markings decorating her arm in gold. “If I can figure out how to pronounce everything correctly, I should be able to make it work. Hopefully, Tommin and the rest of the elders aren’t too mad to where they wont help.”

“I think with enough support they’ll whether they want things to change or not.”

“hm. Are you alright?”

“Why would I not be?” Azriel asked

“Well, you didn’t exactly need to bring me all the way here to have that conversation. What is it?”

“I—”

“Azriel?” She places her hand on his shoulder and every worry threatens to spill out

“What happens if this works?”

“What do you mean?”

“Will you explore what you can, with them? Or would you…”

“Come back?”

Azriel finally looks at her eyes, “Could you?”

“Would you want me to?” She smiles, Azriel shakes his head chuckling. What was happening? He had never had any issues with anyone. Not at Rita’s, not anywhere, even with Mor as painful as it was he had no difficulty flirting back. But here he was, tongue tied for seemingly the millionth time.

“I—” Azriel looks up and runs his hand through his hair sighing at how complicated this was all getting, “Of course I would.”

“Hmm. And would you want to come back here?” Because frankly you seem miserable, she though to herself. “Are you happy here?”

“I have a duty here.”

“That doesn’t exactly answer my question…” She tilts her head as she considers his words for a moment more, “Well, I suppose it does actually.”

His name on her lips unsettled him. No one called him by his full name around here. And she said with so much…kindness. Wait, he froze, what exactly did she he was letting her down. Did she mean when she said she understood, he himself didn’t understand what he wanted yet. What he wanted…

“Azriel…” He flinches at her touch, her fingers delicately trace her eyebrows, her hand gently rests on his face, “You really ought to stop worrying so much. If you want to talk you know I’m here. You are free to speak and ask whatever it is that’s worrying you.”

“Stay with me.” He finally says, grasping her hand and finally staring her in the eyes. Afraid to hear her answer but needing to get everything out, “I dont care where you want to go, but stay with me. I know you don’t know me. Not really but—”

Both hands now cup his face as she looks up. Her wings flutter ever so slightly and he feels her lips press against him once more, but the intention feels different. She purposely kisses him in the corner of his mouth, letting him decide whether or not he’d rather push it any further. She lingered for a few seconds, and then whispered, “You still owe me a tour if I remember correctly.”

She floats down, “I don’t plan on traveling alone anytime soon, what fun would that be?”

Azriel looks down at her smirk, her almost all knowing smirk. If she had any idea how he was entirely at her command. He would travel the ends of the universe for the smallest request. He was completely wrapped around her finger. He couldn’t deny it any longer. He needed her. Her company, her presence, her light. A balance to the darkness he seemed to carry around him constantly. She never pushed, and yet he felt like she was the only one that would understand. He grabs her face and kisses her as deeply as he can and hopes he can convey even a fraction of what he’s feeling. Its only when they both need to breath that they step back.

Azriel clears his throat, “Lets get going then, there so much I want you to see. And I can’t wait to get started.”

➽───────────────❥

She nods and grabs his hand. She closes her eyes and waits for the chill to pass. Every trip was exhilarating, literally breathtaking. She would never not be amazed by this ability, amazed and saddened. Calista wondered if he ever thought back to the times he had been scared of the darkness before it embraced, or if it ever still brought him a wave of sadness as he remembered exactly what brought this gift.

“This is wrong.” Azriels words force her eyes open

Callista immediately sees what he is referring to. The trees once green and lush looked dull. As if the life was being sucked out of them. And it was silent. Eerily silent. Callista felt her stomach harden.

“Where—”

Azriel shook his head, he is only whispering to himself but Callista wont accept what comes out of his mouth, “There’s only one?”

Callista refuses to believe it, she releases his hand and begins flitting to and from several different houses. She calls out names getting increasingly more panicked. Her home she once knew like the back of her hand seemed foreign to her now. Azriel could feel the pain in her voice but he was frozen, he caused this, he was sure of it. He should have never returned. No, that isn’t right, maybe he should have waited to hear the Elder’s concerns, pressed for more information. Likewise, Callista knew her absence had something to do with this.

“Azriel!!” She looked to him pleading, he seemed terrified, still he knew exactly what she was asking for, he point in a direction. This person would surely have some answers. Deeper in the woods, closer to the forest floor. Callista dashed off and Azriel snapped out of it enough to follow her. She breathed a sigh of relief when the elder who had protested when Azriel had first returned appeared. But Azriel noticed his aging immediately, Callista was so excited to see anyone she rushed and hugged him. The old man did not return the gesture. “Tommin.”

“So. You finally decided to come back.” He grunts and steps back. Callista seems taken aback by his attitude and finally realizing how different he appeared.

“How long?”

“Several hundred years if I am counting correctly.”

“What? That’s impossible, every other time was maybe a few years at most.”

“Because we had so many returning visitors before that young man. Anyhow, I’m sure you have questions. We don’t have much time.”

Callista shakes her head, refusing to accept what was plain to see. Azriel can only hope its one of two options, “But where is everyone?”

The old man, chuckles. As if he’s been waiting to deliver what hes about to say for years. As if it would make all of it okay…

“Oh child, they’re all long gone.”

➽───────────────❥

Taglist: @bubybubsters @mich0731 @azziessidehoe @cleverzonkwombatsludge @nightless @thelov3lybookworm @kemillyfreitas

[kindred-spirit-93]

*succinct & eloquent opening line. maybe a clever joke or quote* :D

do you ever sit there and contemplate your life choices after like a certain experience or a talk with a loved one?

do you ever come across a quote or a piece that seems like it was written for you in this particular moment in time? an anecdote that mirrors your current situation perhaps?

well im currently going through it & after a double whammy of mama lore TM during some resurfacing anxious & assorted crises, i dont even know what im going through anymore. but we shared a really sweet heart to heart and reminisced over good and less good times aw!

i am reminded that there is still much to life, light to be sought and found, good times yet to be had. its bittersweet. its mature. its scary? its like coming to terms with your mortality but on a smaller scale. or bigger whos to say...

i wont be venting anything, i think for now at least im content to vague post lmao. also my dad bought me some stress eating treats so i might need to go wallow in my feels for a bit

after i jinxed myself by saying im going on hiatus but failing to stay off the website lol (i had moot withdrawl symptoms sue me), i wont be repeating the same mistake, but with context clues i trust u can see where im going with this

it might sound presumptious to state so confidently that this next month of my life will be the hardest in my career, especially since im not even half way there yet, but the truth of the matter is that it is.

ive been struggling for well over a year now (mostly academically) and im both succeeding in places i didnt before (alhamdulillah!) but failing in the exact same places elsewhere. guys i may have anxiety lol

self fulfilling prophecies, nocebo effect, whatever it is & regardless of what you want to call it, its rough. its hard. im tired. theres still so much left and im tired. i shouldnt be this tired. or this empty. or careless. what have i let myself become? why am i punishing myself still?

this coming month will dictate the rest of my future and ill have no one to blame but myself if i let the opportunity slip through my fingers. but if all goes well inshallah i can put this all behind me and start anew so theres that silver lining :D

i kinda lost direction of this post about half an hour ago lol. my point is im going to try harder at balancing several life aspects bc i really cant put it off any more. i need to establish balance because ive been out of the loop for too long now. *shudders in python*

anyways there are plenty of things i have to work on, both in my studies and life, so i have that going for me *party kazoo noises*

id love to grace you all with some wise words or a life lesson or something but i dont have a neat one liner to sum up anything. despite that im writing this because sometimes letting thoughts float in my head isnt enough, i need to articulate and write it out because to let them roam in the vast expanses of my mind under the pretense that i achieved something is frankly silly as it is counterproductive.

a n y w a y , to anyone and everyone reading take care of yourselves and your loved ones. i wish everyone the best in life and in their endeavours. i will probably pop back in every now and again to catch up on messages and make sure everyone is alive and nothing burned down. i will however attempt to exert self control. (key word: attempt)

aight imma head out before i get too emotional or combust with the need to say something stupid like i love you be more unserious XD

[sidesteppostinghours]

Hewooo, good morninggg!

ask game time ✨

For Caine: Philia 4 + Storge 3 in the context of tbe farm or tia elena

For Cyrus: Eros 1 + Storge 4 (sibling au ✨) + Philautia 4

im probably a few hours late when i finish answering this, but morning idle :D! hope you had a good one

Philia 4. Is your OC able to build close friendships with people very different from themselves? Perhaps in terms of culture, age or personality?

i was thinking about this yesterday on my way home from uni actually. the answer is yes, but with one baseline requirement: anybody they become close with needs to be able to ground them in one way or another. mortum and argent are possible, he appreciates their bluntness and strict boundaries. he likes to listen to mortum and occasionally bounce off ideas with her. he already holds respect for argent, and given time, she couldve grown to be a trusted confidante. however, they want to keep mortum as a purely business relationship at the moment, and argent already scared them off before anything could happen. heralds not getting any further than coach or "he seems nice", they like him but they get a headache whenever theyre in a room with him for too long. other than that, anybody goes. hes not picky.

Storge 3. How far does parental approval (imagined or expressed) impact upon their current sense of self-worth? What might they sacrifice or attempt to achieve in order to ensure the approval of their parents?

the answer varies wildly for either, so ill answer for both. in the case of tia elena, parental approval is a bit shocking to him, like with most relationship dynamics. they like it, they just cant fathom the fact that theyre getting percieved, much less in a positive light. hed do a lot to get more, its fascinating to him and it makes him feel like hes doing a good job. but its something they can easily give up if the situation calls for it (aka theyre my only step tia elenas 'im-not-mad-im-just-disappointed' look wouldnt work on).

the farm is...a very different story. they were made to be a tool, and if its a tool they want, a tool they shall get. before their escape he was very single-minded when accomplishing missions. get the job done in any way possible. consequences arent for him to worry about, he only needs to worry about if they mess up. which they wont. they make sure of it. after their escape he leans less into that mindset, but its difficult to let go of, and still bleeds into his relationships most of the time. they dont like to think about the fact they wouldve sacrificed anything for the farm back then, and that theyre not sure they wouldnt sacrifice anything now if the right people asked it from them.

Eros 1. Is your OC romantic in the traditional sense? Do they enjoy giving or receiving gifts of flowers or confectionary? Or are there other courtship traditions from their culture of origin that are important to them?

nobody but him is allowed to be romantic. thats it thats the answer were moving on

in all seriousness, he does do traditionally romantic things alot, though most of them are for the reaction, not courtesy. roses and flowers are a common way for him to try and fluster his dates, and the two people hes dated are both sappy suckers so its worked most of the time. the exception is gift giving, because most of his gifts are handmade, so he tries not to make a big deal about it. unfortunately, his partners always do.

receiving romantic gestures should be something hes used to at this point, but hes not, so it always catches him off gaurd. its embarrassing, but the most embarrassing part is that he gets strangely touched by it. he probably still has a teddy gifted to him thats never seeing the light of day. oh, and chocolates are always welcome. thats just good food.

Storge 4. Does your OC have any siblings? If so then did their parents have a favourite growing up? Has their relationship with their sibling changed in adulthood? If they don't have any siblings then do they perhaps feel they have missed out on an important relationship? Do they have any especially close friends who go some way towards filling that role?

sibling au time✨

does the farm have the normal version of a favourite?? no. do they have a favourite 'im gonna fuck them up for fun' sibling? yes and thats fawn. north is a bastard and he frequently makes cyrus dream of murder. as for how their relationships all changed, cyrus used to be closer to his siblings. a Lot closer. of course, the farm changed that. he became cruel and harsh, which fawn couldnt connect with. even with river who wants to be evil, cyrus became obsessive about control after heartbreak, which i dont think river appreciates. his mental imprint changed extremely, and he started shielding around them. needless to say their relationship was estranged for a good while, but cyrus can never stay away from the people he cares about.

Storge 5. Which of your OC's qualities makes them the most proud? Do they think more people should be like them in this regard? Or do they quite like being rare in possessing it?

hes proudest of his ability to stay logical and composed, unaffected by emotions. that last part isnt true btw, but he gets to believe it to feel better about himself. hes able to think things through and do what needs to be done without external influence. he thinks itd be easier for everybody if they were more like him, but secretly, hes relieved that theyre not. itd get less people hurt, but the poison is addicting, yk? if people were as logical as he wanted them to be, ortega and herald (and maybe mortum, the verdict is pending) wouldve dropped him by now, yet persistent assholes that they are, they stay with him anyway. he likes the trade-off.

questions are from here!

[catxolotlz]

ive accepted everything thats happened, not completely but at least to some extent and more than before. i get it that i wont always be compatible with some people no mattwr how long and how close ive been with them. im mentally ill and not everyone will and has to understad that. i cant form long term relationships, i have a hard time with human interaction and socializing, i can be a genuinely horrible person.

i can never forgive myself for what ive done i get it its my fault. sometimes i feel like im an abuser. i never intended i never wanted for this to happen. i didnt manipulate or trick anyone for enjoyment or atleast didnt mean to and never realized, i dont know what ive done, i cant judge from my perspective. i regret it all of course and i wish it never had happened and i wish it will never happen again.

i was just hurting. i was hurting so much and sometimes, i still am. i cant understand myself but i tried to control myself. i didnt fully give in, i still had it in me to be better, to change for others so others wont get hurt anymore, i wanted to be better to get better. i didnt wanna be this mess of a human. i didnt want to be a bad person.

it just never sounded right for me however. i cant exactly change something thats out of my control. i cant really get better all by myself when my whole life ive been depending on others for my happiness and worth. its almost impossible to 'change' when you have a disorder. i only masked myself for others. i only repressed all my negative emotions and bottled them up to myself in fear of hurting my loved ones again. fearing what could happen next might be the last.

i was really dumb. i never realized how bad for myself i was doing, and eventually for everyone. my emotions spilled,i was hurtng so much it sometimes became phyisical pains. id feel jolts in my chest and my head was pounding every night from so much tears i cried. i couldnt bottle up anymore and eventually every negative emotion burst out, i hurt everyone i loved, i hurt the person i loved, ive never felt so ashamed of myself. it didnt feel like myself, thatwas the scary part. everything was so drowned out, all i could think of and all i cared about was hoping the person would understand me. that was all i ever wanted.

i know what couldve been done to prevent all this, but its too late now. everytime i would vent and explain myself it always comes out a mess, and everyone avoids me. theyre all scared of me snapping or getting mad. which icant blame them because it has happened before. but i never intended to be mad at them personally. my emotions are just raging all the time, especially in a bad mental state. but during the calmer days, i shouldve took those time to explain myself, my struggles, say everything i wanted, anything for them to understand. but honestly tho i dont exactly remember if ive done that before but didnt work so i just stopped. memory loss is a bitch i guess.

but still, i feel like i couldve just. tried again. and again. and again. i dont know rlly know if it would get me anywhere and i will never know. im starting to space out and forgetting what im supposed to be saying right now. sorry.

going back to my point, i understand now. im not meant for everyone. as much as it hurts, i have to accept this painful truth, that im disabled, and it prevents me from achieving things i want. and i think thats okay. im finally accepting it now. not all, but still. its something.

now i just wish all of me can accept it too. i wish the others can swallow the pill too. i really do feel bad, that theyre still hurting, that theyre still stuck in the past, thinking this was just another one of those days and can be easily fixed. i have to stop myself sometimes from messaging people again. i have to tell them that its done. its finally happened. our biggest fear has happened. theres nothing much to be afraid of anymore. (apart from the stuff like death, of course.) you can listen to music, you can backread messages, you can browse your files of screenshots and pictures. but you cant live that life anymore. and thats okay. they may forget about you, they may think youre a bad person, thats okay. at the end of the day, theyre moving on with their lives, they have their own people, youre going to have to move on with your life too. you can change. you can stay the same. you can just be yourself. whatever you want. its all gonna be okay. no one can tell you who you are or who you are supposed to be.

im happy to still have a few friends, even if we dont get to talk much, or i never talk about my problems to them anymore, its enough that theyre comfortable with me.

im very glad for my best friend online. my friend for the longest time, even before anyone else, that stayed with me. im glad i stayed with him too. we've changed so much, we've moved on from a hundred fandoms. it's such a pleasure to experience you.

and words cannot describe how much i love and appreciate my best friend. i genuinely cant put it to words. thank you so much for being there for me. for still being with me even after the friend group had dissolved. i want to talk to you about my cringe problems and i want you to scream yours too. id love to listen to more music with you. watch more shows with you. maybe even talk to more people with you. i want to grow up with you, i want to experience life with you by my side.

i think thats all i have to say for now. this kinda got a little carried away frm my original idea lol. cya

[tragicvanities]

2024, another year is about to end. once again i dont know what to say. another roller coaster ride? that sums up the whole year. despite saying i am not happy, i had a lot of fun with friends and colleagues. it is a pleasure to work with the team. but there were also a lot of self-worth and self-confidence issues this year.

future rochelle, if youre reading this, since yesterday you decided that in the coming year, youll embrace mistakes and you wont be hard on yourself. that is your goal for the 2025 along with wanting to be physically active. being hard on yourself is part of who you are since youre a kid, thats why you decided to do it month per month. if youre reading this, i hope u can look back and remember the love and understanding that you gave yourself during those times. it wont be easy, but i believe that you can do it.

you also decided that 2025 is the year to seriously fall in love. finally, youre keen to try (but also lazy). you like another friend who shares pretty similar interest with you, though you cant confess because youre scared of ruining the friendship and also facing them i. the office. if youre reading this, i hope you finally get some clarity.

this year you also got promited to level 2. great achievement, tho, a part of you wondered if youre really deserving of that role. if it werent for what you did during mdr, it wont be possible. right now, you still have a long way to go jn terms of skills and growth. if youre reading this, i hope youre doing well and youre not giving yourself a tough time when youre struggling.

youre 26, turning 27 in 2025. youre still living at home and recently you feel angry and overwhelmed by how overbearing your parents are. the constant checking of your location, where youre going and what time youll be home took a toll on you. i understand the frustration. if youre reading this, i hope youve put up boundaries.

may 2025 be a year of more growth and self-love. before ang romantic love, i hope that you fully love yourself more and dont dwell on the things you cant change or your mistakes. i hope you take the lessons that you learned and apply it. i love you, will always do and im proud of you.

[renskirenegade]

Daniels Den Phone notes

Daniels Den Notes Basic Training You cant level up if you dont lock in Which source are you using for your life? Daniels Den is different. We are not trying to be like everyone else, we are the exception. We are called to model a different way of being in the world. You can win at work You can be blessed and have balance You can have elevation without destruction …in the process ppl self destruct Unlock the daniel in me some people cannot reach calling because they are stuck in convienence people who are imprisoned by excuses wont be daniels gifts can get you into the room, character kick you out can you be trusted with influence? can you be trusted with a team?

Traits of Daniel adaptability accountability ethics and chacter excellence - do what he did exceptionally. what do you do well?

Daniels are calendar masters. A decision and discipline Willingness to endure short term pain for long term gain No spiritual gift its a skill to be disciplined WHY gets you through the wall. a reason to change! You cannot do the what if you dont have the why Are days are numbered Days are time, time is currency Who are you paying attention to What are you giving your life to? inest time you have in order to achieve the life you want Many people do live with value alignment

when people say you cant fit it in…they cant. you can. dont make excuses.

Whats your ideal week. you dont have to write down everything. Make the most important things on that list

Whar are your time thieves? Boundaries Social Media Lack of order in excellence over extension/over committment greed games

4Q Development Reach your potential to be a Daniel Spiritual Emotion Relational Leadership

Information is like Medicine Recieve: Spirtual Intelligence > Retain: Information Management System > Retrieve: System/Space to Quickly Locate > Refresh: Old information to refresh

emotional what are the dominant emotions i want to live with how we are emotinally is how we are

what emotin i avoid what emotion i want go from negative to neutral then to positive Ex: I'm negatie, adjust to neutral, to acceptance and positive thinking

i dont want anger i want optimism whats my strategy when im overwhelemed?

spirtual goal strat recalibrate be resourceful have a plan for excuses

relationship goals specific relationship or not, up to you

do you want a better relational IQ ex: be more empathetic and kind PDs goal: discernment

financial goal way too board cash goal allow yourself grace if it matters make it memorable why would god give me gifts where others benefit and i dont?

04.14.2024 Qualifiers of Dream Team Awareness Grace/Empathy Exp Integrity Spiritual Wisdom LOyalty Value Added Consistency Voice where they are rich where im poor

And do I need these characteristics?

Filter Feed Fight - Grab that thought and make it obedient to Christ

how to minimuze upset redirect thoughts be a ceo

Goal - Your Vision accomplished in increments!!!!

LIttle by little Last year was the last year

It's my time and it's my turn Mindset shift, focus and committed

Want = gas You need more then gap Gas is motivation Need a map Many people sell gas Tank full of gas but not arriving need more than motivation we need idrection we need a map LAW OF CHANGE

You dont change things by trying to change things you change things by changing the things that change things

you dont change relationships by changing relationships you change behavior or how you approach it

Confidence: Belief The promise of reclaiming your year is possible

You have to believe in yourself, trust yourself Do things to make yourself get there? Affirmations, what am i telling myself? Ex: Takes courage to have confidence. No person, no man, no job, no title. Only go dcan provide my confidence. IT is from within me.

Feed only that which creates confidence. Change your mental diet.

You are the most important person to you. Feed yourself that which builds you is important.

You need confidence to start and end. To continue to walk on the water. The womb to risk taking.

Filter out everything that creates doubt

Filter friends, filter sermons. Not elimination, but limitations. People will talk you out of things, refocus or stop believing in yourself.

Someone has feed and filter; that lack confidence. look for godly principles that feed you if you wanna do what people arent doing, then you ahve to do what they arent doing

Clarity picture of desired outcome If you aim at nothing, you hit it everytime Set boundaries set on self and others We dont know what boundaries to set if are not clear on what we need

you need an FSP finish strong plan if i dont tell where my days go, i'll wonder where they went Plan looks diff depending who you are

If you set a goal: FSP Look at what your originial goals is Look at goals and ask what is feasiable in 100 days Is it a faith goal? We dotn lower standard but adjust the goal Just cuz I cant have it all does not mean I wont accept nothing

Have a category spirtually,

Emotional Goals: Make an emotional goal Scale 1-10 where you are emotionally What's the dominant emotion you want for the rest of your days? feelings dictate what we do

corp = work kindred = fam casual = friends kingdom = faith

Mission statement for the relationship

You're going to feel poor when you dont have spirt, emotional, relationship, financial

Character = Spiritual Intelligence Which traits do we need to acquire to get there? Small tweaks change to giant leaps you need emotional health how do i get myself to do something i normally dont do revisit this once a week

Communication = one thing that changes everything Genesis 6 building a huge wall You build it better, with words timing, tone, pace, volume

Coaching: to help other people Do you have the ability to coach yourself Running into obstacles, can you coach sell on small things Structuted/strategtic dialogue that uses provoing questiont to create persondiscovery to take where they are where they need to be change how you feel by what your thinking if i dont like my results, change actions, change actions without change feelings, change what im thinking abouit

Community: the people around you sometimes you cant find this and you need a group of ppl who are trying to finish like you hard to do in isolation

some treasure is in another vessel success loves speed

do nothing, do it alone, get help

Elevate notes 2023

the way you handle yourself if how you were handled

what do people think vs what is god going to think

ppl that need us need transparency

spent so much time letting ppl giving me value and define me and my worth ik how good i am

theme identify where did imposter syndrome start the first time i didnt feel good enugh

what motivates us what are our strengths, what are you complimented on leadership speaking training awareness independent responsible assess what i love give ex of my strengths make myselkf happy at work

alignment and research advoce for yourself if somethign is missing ask or it may not be for you!

emotional elevation plan im a professional at defusing at home

exercise - walk more impatient boundaries

brain is able to flex and create new ones is it less intense than before its not at my cost

aniety and fear give myself permission to say its alot imposter enforcing cognition beliefs

7pm - start slow and practice prepatation of best case scenario

nervous system shuts down practice best case scenarios remember is your why self soothe before you did it

if its not at my cost dont do it does it effect my self care

information on pros and cons listen to that say no to myself, let me think about it

Snipers trigger others

Hyperindependence does not allow us to connect

Luke 10:38

Set boundaires on self

unhelpful messages that carried us through the year. the intention vs the impact.

[37-children-of-the-dreams]

Oh, I so liked your art of Eira and Six, and if you'll do their children, I would love to see them too, and I'm sure they'll all have highest rewards!

Also, interesting fact, I just realised that monsuno characters drawn so proportional, that my face is literally Six's face, but with dark circles and hair. It felt so weird to see something terribly familliar in Six, and more weird to realise it's exacly your own face.

Also, I'm playing one game, now I wont name it, and it has Eclipse kingdom Dynasty, who were very technological, but royal's right hand scientist decided to became a God, and all kingdom perished from Head Celestial God's anger, and pure blooded dudes became immortal seeing their half blood families turn into terrible monsters and lately got killed, even children.

Also, Sun(o) dudes here kinda exist here. Also, that alchemist made around 5-6 clones, and only one survived as he thought, but later revealed two others too, one of them was killed, and one run away, and other dead one is surely know to be a giant bloody dragon. Also, that clone alive, he said that one day he would turn into giant monster and kill everyone and asks main character to save everyone from him when that happens. Also, main character is sun(o) dude, and this clone and one his alive brother is not just that eclipse scientist's clone, but main character's too. Just like we know where.

And Eclipse kingdom is underground kingdom, and is in desert, and there were their underground high Tech hqs, a lot, with robots, controling rooms and everything.

Also, there is one shit, one of guards of royal family was pure blooded eclipse dude, and after a few hundred years after destruction he was traveling, seeing his people dying, get killed, turned into monsters, and he tells main character that they cant be saved. But he lies, cause we later reveal that not so long after everyone perished King found way to take off curse. And instead of seeking for it or use it directly, he just was wandering around, crying over everyone and telling "oh no, poor hooman, they cant be saved, but it's so sad to kill them, but I need too, so saaad". Piece of fuck. I really wanted to kill him because of that. And if someone helping his nation, even if it's SAFE WAY, he just stop them with main character and lying down and cry about what they cant do anything, but they know they can.

The art style in Monsuno is rather unique in terms that it looks easy to draw and it’s inspired by anime, but it still looks like the artists have drawn them in rather almost realistic proportions and Six is a good one to choose to study because he’s a basic look person that you can study his anatomy and practice him and after you’ve drawn him repeatedly, there’s a chance he just helped you get better in drawing the basic male anatomy.

Now…

Anon, I did read the entire post, and I did like it since it can be linked to Six and Eira and Monsuno, but considering how some gaming fandoms work here in tumblr, I don’t want to get flooded by people within the fandom who might know what we’re talking about. I myself play a pretty popular Asian gaming app that has elements of horror and dress up and have liked art from its fandom, but I don’t engage with them since I don’t always play the game and I have missed a ton of lore during my time not playing it and really I don’t want to get things wrong if it annoys people.

Still, thank you for telling me this entire lore, it truly is interesting since it shows how the developers really want their story to shine, and thank you for the good luck on Six and Eira’s children. I truly hope that they can achieve their parents’ achievements, but considering the limit of awards in the art competition is three ribbons, I have to be strategic about them and place them in the correct categories.

[mekatrio]

yeahh ive heard of that point a few times from other fans as well, that the mkd keeping their powers after STR would narratively symbolize how trauma isnt something you can fully get rid of, but instead learn to live with. except that i dont think that would necessarily be the case, and them losing their powers could actually symbolize them making peace w their trauma? if anything, i feel like most of their eye powers are less an allegory of trauma itself, and are more an allegory for (subjectively unhealthy) coping mechanisms, and that several members are instead using their powers as a crutch of sorts, instead of actually going on to confront and resolve their traumas. and that if they kept their powers, it would symbolize stagnation rather than making peace with their traumas.

(sticking the rest of my response under a read more so this post isnt too long lol)

like in the case of kido, novel 7 goes to show that shes actually been using her powers on herself without realizing it, and is using it to repress the traumatic memories of killing her father. if she continues to keep her power after STR, i feel like it robs her of the opportunity to confront and make peace with her past actions. the same goes for kano, novel 5 shows that hes been using his powers to cover up his collapsed identity. if he continues to keep his powers, whats to say that he wont use them like this again? wouldnt it be better if his ability to do that was removed? him losing his powers would symbolize that he cant fall back on that anymore.

but i think the strongest case for my point is with takane, whose whole resolution w her eye powers should be about reuniting with and making peace with her disabled body, which she was seperated from for a long time. but if she keeps her powers after STR, how does that show that she loves + have come to terms with her disabled body, if shes able to discard that body whenever she wants? it feels very paradoxical.

so for me at least, i think they should lose their powers post-STR, and it should be written in a way that shows that theyre growing up and no longer relying on the unhealthy coping mechanisms their eye powers had provided them. and also like their traumas arent narratively contained in their eye powers either. they arent going to lose or forget their traumatic pasts if they lose their snakes, theyre still going to be the same people who had traumatic things happen to them. yeah theyre going to lose a part of their identity when they lose their powers, but isnt that what trauma does to you irl? parts of you will change, and some parts of yourself that you think will forever be 'like this', will end up not being permanent. but you get better when you stop relying on harmful coping mechanisms (losing eye powers) and find other ways to fulfill your life (mkd becoming good friends with one another).

and also ur point abt shintaro being the only one who would remember past timelines cant really be true. cuz if mca is anything to go by, the good end is only achieved when mary also remembers the past timelines, via ayano using favoring to convey the past timelines from shintaro to her. so mary would remember as much as shintaro.

.....and seto, cuz seto is shown to have been aware of past timelines, implied from whenever he accidentally reads mary's mind. though its unclear just how much seto knows abt past timelines. but thats at least 2 other people who would know abt past timelines in a theoretical good ending, so shintaro isnt completely alone there.

also when ppl say 'well theres no way the mkd can lose their snakes in the ending bc they need their snakes to live' like Ok then how the hell does haruka live post-STR huh. im pretty sure haruka doesnt have super strength nor is he immortal now cuz konoha Fucking Died. and like haruka very much Died in the story but now hes back without a snake so.....?

[actualbird]

Oh god!

I really love the poly headcanons they are so sweet.... (or don't but that's part of it and i think the tot boys+MC deserve all the love the world has to give).

But, liking it or not, our 4 beloved boys are kinda complicated (that's what makes them perfect). Plus I never thought about how people get in poly relationships. So i was thinking, how do you think they all get into a polyrelationship together?

(I really have no idea of how that would happen)

hi, two anons!! im glad you guys liked my nxx team polycule stuff!! i'll answer these in one go, my "headcanon" (in quotes because i think this kinda turned into a character analysis/minific of sorts HAHA) being what first anon asked, How They Get Together.

heads up, wc of this is 1.9k words long so buckle up for a bit of a read jfsjdfkjbf

because first anon, youre right!!! the boys are stupendously complicated which i love so so much but canon has also shown us clearly that each of the boys' quirks and habits and tendencies causes a lot of (mostly played for laughs) friction. the bickering, the backhanded insults, the "im the best one here" preening contests. theyre all SOOOO RIDICULOUS and it is hilarious but yep! the boys r complex!! and that means this beautiful ship, imo, has a lot of phases to get to the actual romantic relationship bit.

how they get together, in my opinion, starts because of mc.

not in the sense that she matchmakes them all, but like.

phase 1 of the nxx team polycule is this:

through being in love with her (which we all know the boys 100% are), each of the boys come to terms with their own flaws and weaknesses. it's very apparent to me in all the story thus far that these boys are flawed as hell, it's very compelling but even more compelling to me is how all of them also do intense mental gymnastics to Not Confront Those Flaws. like, marius is a dickbag always teasing and toeing the line of insincerity, vyn is a controlling mf who always tries to sway situations to his benefit, artem is so repressed to the point that he has genuine trouble with emotions, luke is a self sacrificial bastard and also a huge hypocrite about how no, actually, hes the only one that should be hiding his pain and being dishonest, no dishonesty from other people!! in the beginning of the story, all the boys have their flaws and seem to have just kinda...not addressed how those flaws are harming them and the people around them.

and then mc rolls around and they all fall in love with her. and she sees those flaws and she doesnt let them slide. she challenges the boys in her own ways to see another side of the situation, to acknowledge what theyre doing. she doesnt want to get rid of flaws, thats impossible and also not cool. she just has this beautiful hope for like, all of humanity, that goodness can prevail with the right work. so when she sees her beloved nxx boys, she believes that for them as well.

which leads to phase 2 of the nxx team polycule:

the boys, more aware of themselves, become more aware of each other.

they werent Unaware of the others of course. it's just that they didnt like...truly connect on a personal level just yet. they saw the other teammembers with their emotional armor and flaws and saw a wall that wasnt worth looking past.

but after mc makes them realize that hey, flaws arent the end of the world actually, it's alright and the person behind them may just be worth it, the boys like. end up understanding the others. A LOT OF THIS BIT IS UNINTENTIONAL, ON THEIR PARTS KJDSBFS. like they stumble into understanding each other by accident, they didnt plan it, but over the course of nxx investigations, it's inevitable that they end up seeing the depths of the others. i delve into this a little bit in my fanfic "filler eps of the lost gold" where the boys are just going thru their actions and then trip over another boy's fears or desires and through that, gain a deeper understanding mutually.

and with understanding, sometimes, comes trust.

phase 3 of the nxx team polycule goes like this:

everybody in this team, whether they like it or not, whether they know it or not, has a heart that wants to give love so desperately.

marius lives in a world full of snakes so he cant have his heart on his sleeve for his own protection. vyn wants to be seen as perfect and the heart is inherently messy so he holds it back. artem for a very very long time was focused on work and success and achievement that he neglected his heart. and luke has been giving love all his life in a sense but in a way thats hidden.

all these tendencies that are brought upon their life circumstances results in this: they want to love honestly but they havent been able to do this

until mc. and all of them want to push back whatever fears or patterns their life has instilled in them because they see her and see somebody so unwaveringly good that all their hearts begin giving love to her to make her happy and to make themselves happy as well.

but heres the thing. the boys dont just see mc. by this point, they have connected and understood and come to trust each other as well, and the consequence of that is that They Can See Each Other Now Too, Truly.

and heres the thing. all of the boys are unwaveringly good as well.

one by one, each of the boys realize that what they feel for the other boys in the team starts to...change. yeah theyre all friends, they pick on each other a lot of the time, but the bedrock of the relationship is solid and strong now. but when marius is with luke, marius sees a light inside of luke so bright that he seems unaware that he gives off. when artem is with vyn, artem sees a goodness inside of vyn that hesitates to make itself obvious and known because vyn is scared of getting hurt thanks to it. all of them see the other and their goodness and, unbidden, their hearts want to give love to each other as well.

and because theyre all a bit stupid in their own way theyre like, huh, weird! wonder why this feeling is so familiar! and yet i cant seem to name it...and then they all independently compare these feeling with the feelings they have for mc, a feeling they do know the name of, and theyre like.

WAIT.

THESE FEELINGS ARE...VERY BASICALLY EXACTLY WHAT I FEEL FOR MC.

which only means one thing: theyve fallen in love with everybody else

marius: //goes to his studio to Think and sees that a bunch of his recent art actually had little crumbs of these feelings already, etched into the brushstrokes and scenes. has an emotional crisis about it

vyn: //records a 1 hour long entry in his audio diary to examine and gain control of his feelings but by the end of the hour all he knows is that he wants to hold these people and be held by them

artem: //quite literally just bluescreens, artem.exe has stopped working, sits at his study and slowly, slowly, thunks his head down onto his desk, valiantly trying to ignore the fast pulse of his heart

luke: //manically vents about it to peanut who, by virtue of being a bird, doesnt get it. just keeps talking at peanut to get a grasp of it all and then lies down on the floor, overwhelmed

mc, sitting in her apartment watching some netflix: ...why do i inexplicably feel as if something very, very important has just happened?

phase 4 of the nxx team polycule is basically:

pining: extreme difficulty level

because pining is already hard when ur pining for one person. what more for an additional 3 more people. and those additional 3 more people are pining back.

and all these boys are SOOOO OBVIOUS with their romantic feelings, in their own special way. the way they show their affection to mc starts to bleed into their interactions with the others and everybody can CLEARLY SEE WHAT IS GOING ON, LOL, but also all the boys are too chickenshit to confront it, because if they confront it, what will even happen??? being in love with each other, all of them, thats going to be such a complicated fucking relationship, holy shit. it's 2030, yeah, being a polyamorous group relationship isnt completely unheard of, but sue them, theyre scared.

but mc (who i forgot to mention already knows of the boys' romantic feelings for her, shes just hasnt made a move yet on any of them because SHES IN LOVE WITH ALL OF THEM AS WELL and shes been trying to figure out how the hell to make that work, she cant bear to choose just one of them, she'd be heartbroken over leaving the rest of them behind) sees that the nxx investigation team is now all pining for each other FULLY and she kinda wants to laugh when she realizes whats going on because like, what are the chances? that this would happen? that they all found each other and their feelings fell into just the right place for nobody to be left behind?

theyre all scared, she can tell. and she is as well, she wont lie.

but shes always had a belief that goodness can prevail with the right work.

and love is one of the greatest goods out there.

phase 5 of the nxx team polycule:

It's Time For Communication, Baby!!!!!

the exact scenes of how this happens is a bit vague to me. it could go two ways: mc going to each of the boys independently to talk about feelings, hers about everybodys and his about everybodys as well. OR they have a fucking meeting about it all together and artem literally schedules it in his google calendar, or something.

either way, they like, actually talk about this. starts casual, maybe over a chill date, maybe over dinner at a nice restaurant, maybe over a walk in the park as the sun is starting to set. but where ever it happens, the end result is the same: a heart is laid out bare and it is taken in gentle, grateful hands.

marius: OKAY, NOW THAT THE FEELINGS ARE OUT OF THE WAY, CAN I PLEASE KISS ONE OR ALL OF YOU, PLEASE, IVE BEEN WANTING TO KISS U GUYS FOR FOREVER

vyn, laughing fondly: has anybody ever told you patience is a virtue? we quite literally just talked it all out.

marius: //needy whining noises

artem, embarrassed: ive...never kissed anybody before

luke, embarrassed but trying to play it Cool: ....same here

mc: kissing is great, you two will love it!

marius: awesome, awesome, so is ANYBODY going to give me a go ahead or WHAT????

phase 6 of the nxx team polycule:

i dont want to say it's happily ever after, once they all get together. thats not really realistic.

they all have their quirks and tendencies and habits. and those will inevitable clash against each other. theyll have their arguments, theyll get upset, theyll sulk and be angry, sometimes. but also...

theyll see each other smile and feel like their love shining so brightly. theyll reach out for another's hand and be held in such a way that makes them think that their heart is in a safe place. theyll love each other and theyll put in the work to continue loving each other. because goodness will prevail.

and they all see each other as the most good people in the world.

so whatever happens, theyll get through it together.

[darlington-v]

HELLO YES IS ONE OF(?) THE FELLOW TRANSMASC BEEDUO ENJOYERS, RESPONDING AFTER A MULTIDAY DELAY.

CANT BELIVE THAT HANDHOLDING SHIT.

As someone else who has (on a certain level) like, made that connection, of someone I can be very affectionate with, but am still in the gender closet with for various reasons. I can absolutely understand your impulse and the preassure... a lot of my hesitation is based around a fear of going against some kind of perceived "ground work" in that relationship. And then I get frustrated because in this relationship and others i just would not have to think so much about this and how I present myself if I had just been born a cisguy. I am also just yearning for bro friendships where I'm just perceived as a dude from the get-go, even if I end up acting ""feminin"" or some shit.

But when I think about all the relationships I've had, I wouldn't want to have "skipped over" any of them, even if I wasn't, or didn't start by presenting my truly authentic self. I can't bring myself to regret or fully resent any of those connections, even if in my heart I can't always regard them as 100% "valid" or "genuine" in the context of how I know I was/am perceived and how I present. I dunno, I hope that makes sense, and helps in some way... I guess what im trying to say is, even if I have wishes and yearnings of how things could be different, I still am happy to have had the relationships I've had.... and I know ill just keep meeting new folks and either things will work out or they wont, and that'll be ultimatly for the best...

But hughu its also kinda silly when I think about it, that some internet dudes make me confront and think about all this shit. But it also does make sense too.

I don't know its very hard to explain, feel free to just ignore all this.

yes!!!! i TOTALLY understand this!

it's really frustrating because i would love to seek out other communities and environments that may lead into relationships similar to that of like??? SAME AFFECTION????? but im afraid to put myself out ANYWHERE new because i don't want to be perceived as like... woman-lite or anything. i don't want anyone to have to rethink how they perceive me i just wanted to present in the way that i feel.

similarly to what you said, i don't want to build something on "ground-work" i know i'll have to break down and like. make the REAL ground work pretty much?

and yeah! same! i get frustrated as well because it would just be much easier to deal w/ if i was just. cis. but i don't dwell on that too much, luckily

however i still run into the same issue: (more long winded venty shit below, ur invited to me being extremely vulnerable on the internet have fun)

how can i deal with this and make this easier for myself? is it... achievable even? like! yeah! how can i simply start new relationships with this... pre-established certainty of "that is a Boy! a BONAFIDE boy!" like... not even cis but just.

i struggle with the idea that most people who aren't trans will like... not... TRULY respect my identity? like behind closed doors. which is something i know a lot of trans people struggle with and honestly that is... our own issue in regards to trust. if no one throws and red flags that they don't actually respect your identity, then you really just have to trust that they do.

it's just... honestly putting conditions on like. your trust i guess. PERSONALLY. like im putting conditions on myself such as: if i present masculine then people will respect my identity and assimilate to how i identify, even if i don't present that yet.

which... usually isn't the case? people may take longer to assimilate but if someone is going to respect you, you can usually tell. or i feel like i can.

however. i guess. i want to shortcut the assimilation? but it's unfair to me to just put myself on hold until i don't need to ask people to like. REALLY understand liek HEY. THAT PITCHY MOTHERFUCKER IS A DUDE. because it's hard. and i, in my tiny pea brain, feel like a shortcut would just already be presenting male boy man MASCULINE. however, like i said, it's unfair for me to put that on myself bc that's a LONG time to wait!! that's coming out, getting a new wardrobe, and ALSO getting HRT!! that doesn't just happen in one day.

i explained to some friends that like. sometimes i wish i could just present a certain way and then no one could really ever know me intimately.

and it's definitely not that im... ASHAMED of being trans!! it's very nice and cool! however i feel sad that like... we're still adjusting as a society in terms of like... gender i guess? like... i do not want to be seen as woman-lite by anyone. in any degree. and sometimes you need a deeper understanding of gender to get past like... the weird like. ok he's... he's boy but like kinda not boy??

IT'S JUST. MMM. BEING PERCEIVED AND NOT INTERPRETTED CORRECTLY IS VERY TERRIFYING AND I HATE IT AND UR RIGHT BEING CIS WOULD BE EASIER, I DON'T NECESSARILY WANT TO BE CIS, I WOULD JUST LIKE TO EMULATE CISNESS WHILST REMAINING QUEER WHICH I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF IT'S POSSIBLE.

however same!!! the relationships i have now i love and i care very deeply about and i feel that like... even though they've known me before i was like "ok masc and he/they" and shit like that, i do feel like they understand like

*points* boy!!

however when it comes to strangers it's so... scary. and like IDK. ITS SO FUNNY BECAUSE I'VE NEVER HAD TO DEAL WITH THIS BEFORE. AND IT'S WHY I WANT TO LIKE? EXPLORE THE COMMUNITY FOR OLDER TRANS PEOPLE. LIKE HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH THIS???? how can you just BE OKAY when like... introducing yourself to strangers.

how can you just let... strangers in?

which is also *THROWS THINGS* THE WORST PART!!! I WANT TO BE A CONTENT CREATOR BUT I DON'T WANT TO WAIT!!!! I WANT MY VIEWERS TO GO BOY BOY BUT THEY WONT BECAUSE I HAVE NO FORM OF PRESENTATION BESIDE A PERSONA AND A VOICE AND MY VOICE IS PITCHY!!! ITS SO HIGH AND PITCHY!!!

and it's frustrating!! because i don't want an audience who doesn't like understand BOY!!! NOT WOMAN-LITE!!!!!!! NOT WOMAN GOING THRU PHASE!!!!!

BOYYYYY!!!!!

TLDR;

being trans is hard and i just don't want to be seen as woman-lite. i want to bee seen as like cis boy but trans. like i think i'd take more kindly to someone being like "omg i didn't even know you were trans!" to like someone infantilizing me and calling me a sweet little boy bean. and thats a lot easier between close friends! even though they have heard my voice and they've listened to me talk about being trans! they understand. and strangers?? have the potential to not. like they might? but what if they dont... and that's. Scary.

[thefeckisthis]

being single and open relationship

hellooo lovely people. hope you are all well, sane and well fed. lately i did not write quite often, been reading a lot and gaming. life is not particularly interesting so there is not much going on.

even tho these are different times people still talk, chat and i’ve seen many guys making statuses how girls are not posting selfies now all the beauty salons are closed, making fun of them. well there are not many of you fuck boys around anymore either eh, hard to make some effort when you can’t ‘’score’’ and disappear? or you’re stuck with your girlfriends so its harder?

leave the girls alone, live your own life and mind your own business. even tho the number of fuck boys has drastically dropped, there are still people who make some effort and talk to other people. i’m not saying this only happened to me in the past few months, people keep asking me this all the time.

so why am i single?

im not super young anymore, im in that age where most of my generation is already married and are having their first or even second kid. not me tho, thank you but i’ll pass.

guys usually ask ‘’how can girl like you be single?’’... may i ask you, what kind of girl is that? i know they usually refer to the thing that im beautiful or good looking (in their words not mine) and i keep wondering what does someones looks have to do with someone being single or in relationship? does that mean everyone who is in relationships is beautiful or if youre beautiful you have to be in a relationship? someone please enlighten me. thank you.

on the other hand, some people think i still love some certain people and haven’t moved on emotionally and things like that and that is so not true. i dont have any ‘leftover’ feelings for anyone and i dont like anyone romantically at the moment (and on daily basis i dont like people in general, thats another story tho haha). someone being single for long time doesnt mean they cant get over someone from their past. i kind of pride myself on getting over people quicker than most people, that doesnt mean i cant develop feelings. i can, im just way more careful with that. also, that doesnt mean i never truly liked them (havent loved anyone in a very long time hahaha) its just i dont tend to dwell on it for long. that person is not in my life anymore, why would i spend more time thinking about them when it wont affect my present?

i close that chapter in my life and just move on. not meaning for it to sound as a sob story or trying to make people feel pity for me, every time i have had started to develop some feelings for someone it backfired. made me develop trust issues and i openly admit it. and every time it backfires at me it makes it slightly worse and worse and leaves scars and honestly makes me regret ever developing any feelings. it all developed in like a defense mechanism making me want to do it again less and less.

as ive said, this is not a sob story and im not looking for people to feel sad about me. that is definitely not the only reason why im single but it is a part of it.

i chose to be single. i love being single. i have grown to love myself so much that i dont require to be in a relationship to feel fulfilled or to feel ‘’whole’’. if you find someone you fall in love with that person should not be your second half because you are one whole on your own, that other person should be a beautiful addition to your life, not someone to fill in the gaps. and if you break up you should still be able to feel complete and happy. dont think i am in celibate or i dont meet people when im single. the amount of people thinking if youre single youre not having sex is ridiculous. like seriously people, it 2020, you dont have to get into relationship just to have sex. to think that in this era of fuckboys, internet dating and all that crap... cmon like

explanation is not my strong side so im sorry if i dont fully explain something. relationships and feelings for me are... good and bad. i like them and i dont like them. to me the concept of traditional relationship is like a cage. i dont have freedom (at least not the way i want) that i want, and all the ‘’obligations’’ (cant remember the term that would better explain it). sure, when you like/love someone you usually talk all the time, tell them what you do, where you go, but as an introvert sometimes i just want to shut the whole world out and be left alone for more than a day if that is how i feel. by nature im curious and love to explore, whether it is myself or the world around me and the traditional relationship ‘’wouldn’t allow’ that, its looked down on. why do you want to try something new if you already, lets put it this way, have someone by your side?

but like yes, surely that person can fulfill me both physically and emotionally, what if someone can add to it in a different way, why would i deny myself of that pleasure?

open relationship is something would be something that would be more of my liking. do i believe it is possible to love one person fully and still want to try something with other person? definitely yes.  it would start probably as exclusive until the mutual trust and understanding is achieved then we can add to it. and yes, its adding to what we already have, not replacing, not changing, not cheating - adding. that absolutely doesnt mean that the main partner is not enough, its just expanding the current experience. i was in a serious relationship where i loved the person so much and i did mention the possibility of open relationship and it wasnt accepted well and no judgement, it is not for everyone, we all dont seek for same things.

humans are creatures with needs and i believe that satisfaction can come from different people in different ways and that doesnt diminish the value of primary partner. rather than always feeling caged and limited,‘’scared’’  and suppressing your needs, you get the freedom to explore, to broaden your horizons. open relationship is not same as cheating  as long as both partners are aware of the nature of the relationship and mutually agree on that, at the end of the day you always end up with them.

dont get me wrong, im not out there actively looking for relationship, im just living in the moment. those kind of things happen on their own and should not be forced, and now days anything that is not according to some standard norms is looked down on. as well, i am perfectly happy on my own, i chose to be single and im loving it. im the main person for myself, i love myself and i am thriving. absolutely enjoying my life.

i dont feel sad or lonely or of any less value than your average person just because im single, not at all. this also made me selfish in a way, i want all the experiences for myself and my enjoyment and i dont want to limit them to make someone else happy or secure.

there are of course more reasons than these mentioned, if youre curious please do leave a question, dont be afraid! :D (my priorities in life are usually not focused on finding a partner)

 if youre not happy on your own and with yourself, how are you happy in relationship? so dont go asking people why are they single and think they are sad because of it and feel sorry for them, people do not have same needs and wants in life like you do. at the end of the day, the person who you should be most mindful of is you, your thoughts and your life. make sure you are happy with yourself because that is the person you have to live with 24/7. and once you are happy with the person you are, then you wont have the need to ‘worry’ about the others,

[innaandtheunicorn]

why am i single?

hellooo lovely people. hope you are all well, sane and well fed. lately i did not write quite often, been reading a lot and gaming. life is not particularly interesting so there is not much going on.

even tho these are different times people still talk, chat and i’ve seen many guys making statuses how girls are not posting selfies now all the beauty salons are closed, making fun of them. well there are not many of you fuck boys around anymore either eh, hard to make some effort when you can’t ‘’score’’ and disappear? or you’re stuck with your girlfriends so its harder?

leave the girls alone, live your own life and mind your own business. even tho the number of fuck boys has drastically dropped, there are still people who make some effort and talk to other people. i’m not saying this only happened to me in the past few months, people keep asking me this all the time.

so why am i single?

im not super young anymore, im in that age where most of my generation is already married and are having their first or even second kid. not me tho, thank you but i’ll pass.

guys usually ask ‘’how can girl like you be single?’’... may i ask you, what kind of girl is that? i know they usually refer to the thing that im beautiful or good looking (in their words not mine) and i keep wondering what does someones looks have to do with someone being single or in relationship? does that mean everyone who is in relationships is beautiful or if youre beautiful you have to be in a relationship? someone please enlighten me. thank you.

on the other hand, some people think i still love some certain people and haven’t moved on emotionally and things like that and that is so not true. i dont have any ‘leftover’ feelings for anyone and i dont like anyone romantically at the moment (and on daily basis i dont like people in general, thats another story tho haha). someone being single for long time doesnt mean they cant get over someone from their past. i kind of pride myself on getting over people quicker than most people, that doesnt mean i cant develop feelings. i can, im just way more careful with that. also, that doesnt mean i never truly liked them (havent loved anyone in a very long time hahaha) its just i dont tend to dwell on it for long. that person is not in my life anymore, why would i spend more time thinking about them when it wont affect my present?

i close that chapter in my life and just move on. not meaning for it to sound as a sob story or trying to make people feel pity for me, every time i have had started to develop some feelings for someone it backfired. made me develop trust issues and i openly admit it. and every time it backfires at me it makes it slightly worse and worse and leaves scars and honestly makes me regret ever developing any feelings. it all developed in like a defense mechanism making me want to do it again less and less.

as ive said, this is not a sob story and im not looking for people to feel sad about me. that is definitely not the only reason why im single but it is a part of it.

i chose to be single. i love being single. i have grown to love myself so much that i dont require to be in a relationship to feel fulfilled or to feel ‘’whole’’. if you find someone you fall in love with that person should not be your second half because you are one whole on your own, that other person should be a beautiful addition to your life, not someone to fill in the gaps. and if you break up you should still be able to feel complete and happy. dont think i am in celibate or i dont meet people when im single. the amount of people thinking if youre single youre not having sex is ridiculous. like seriously people, it 2020, you dont have to get into relationship just to have sex. to think that in this era of fuckboys, internet dating and all that crap... cmon like

explanation is not my strong side so im sorry if i dont fully explain something. relationships and feelings for me are... good and bad. i like them and i dont like them. to me the concept of traditional relationship is like a cage. i dont have freedom (at least not the way i want) that i want, and all the ‘’obligations’’ (cant remember the term that would better explain it). sure, when you like/love someone you usually talk all the time, tell them what you do, where you go, but as an introvert sometimes i just want to shut the whole world out and be left alone for more than a day if that is how i feel. by nature im curious and love to explore, whether it is myself or the world around me and the traditional relationship ‘’wouldn’t allow’ that, its looked down on. why do you want to try something new if you already, lets put it this way, have someone by your side?

but like yes, surely that person can fulfill me both physically and emotionally, what if someone can add to it in a different way, why would i deny myself of that pleasure? 

open relationship is something would be something that would be more of my liking. do i believe it is possible to love one person fully and still want to try something with other person? definitely yes.  it would start probably as exclusive until the mutual trust and understanding is achieved then we can add to it. and yes, its adding to what we already have, not replacing, not changing, not cheating - adding. that absolutely doesnt mean that the main partner is not enough, its just expanding the current experience. i was in a serious relationship where i loved the person so much and i did mention the possibility of open relationship and it wasnt accepted well and no judgement, it is not for everyone, we all dont seek for same things.

humans are creatures with needs and i believe that satisfaction can come from different people in different ways and that doesnt diminish the value of primary partner. rather than always feeling caged and limited,‘’scared’’  and suppressing your needs, you get the freedom to explore, to broaden your horizons. open relationship is not same as cheating  as long as both partners are aware of the nature of the relationship and mutually agree on that, at the end of the day you always end up with them.

dont get me wrong, im not out there actively looking for relationship, im just living in the moment. those kind of things happen on their own and should not be forced, and now days anything that is not according to some standard norms is looked down on. as well, i am perfectly happy on my own, i chose to be single and im loving it. im the main person for myself, i love myself and i am thriving. absolutely enjoying my life.

i dont feel sad or lonely or of any less value than your average person just because im single, not at all. this also made me selfish in a way, i want all the experiences for myself and my enjoyment and i dont want to limit them to make someone else happy or secure. if youre not happy on your own and with yourself, how are you happy in relationship? so dont go asking people why are they single and think they are sad because of it and feel sorry for them, people do not have same needs and wants in life like you do. at the end of the day, the person who you should be most mindful of is you, your thoughts and your life. make sure you are happy with yourself because that is the person you have to live with 24/7. and once you are happy with the person you are, then you wont have the need to ‘worry’ about the others,

[hearthandgnome]

Warning, long post. TL/DR at bottom.

Okay so I've got a real hot take about the primaries.

And I'm just gonna stress this now. This is by no means fact checkable and is closer to a conspiracy theory than like, an actual reality we need to worry about. So please don't come at me for spreading false news. This isn't news. Its just a theory.

But I high key think our elections have been rigged again.

In short: my theory is that the obscene number of people that were running for the primaries who have since dropped out, never ACTUALLY wanted to run. They were just there to collect and hand over votes to Biden.

And I know that sounds nuts but let me walk you through my thought process here.

1- Not a single person I've spoken to or heard of, either in person or online, has said they wanted to vote for Biden. He was literally no ones first choice. Even the more conservative centrist end of people were saying Bloomberg before Biden.

2- a common joke amongst late night hosts has been just how ridiculous it was that sooooooo many people were running and how no one was willing to back down or quit, even when they had no chance.

3- Beyond just your pride, which will hurt either way, dropping out after voting has already started makes no sense. Spending all the time, money, and resources, on a presidential campaign for months if not years, just to drop out in the first week of the primaries makes no sense. At that point it's not like you can get your money back. So why drop out at that point?

Dropping out just before, when you see your polling low, makes sense. Cause it means not splitting the vote. But after? That means people that already voted for you don't really get the chance to vote their second choice. Their votes are basically just given to whoever you endorse.

Which brings me to

4- Pretty much every candidate who has dropped out after voting began has given their delegates to Biden. Like, even the ones who had basically nothing in common with his campaign. Even the ones who said they hated him the whole time they were "against" each other. And even the ones who claimed to be more progressive and aligned with Bernie when discussing their views and plans.

And I know I'm not the only one who has noticed this cause I've seen the memes, as well as the serious posts, all talking about how ridiculous it is for the media to claim Warrens delegates should go to Biden "cause he was the 2nd choice for most of her voters". Like no. He wasn't. She was Bernie's direct competition. They had incredibly similar campaigns. Warren and Biden had NOTHING in common policy wise.

5- The web domain for Bernie sanders currently redirects you to a donation page for Biden. Like You click the link thinking its for Bernie, and the only way to figure out your actually donating to Biden instead is to scroll up first or see it after you've already donated.

These above factors, mixed with a variety of other little things that just don't add up, have me pretty convinced there's something shady going on.

And the most probable cause in my opinion is a rigged election.

I know that seems like it would be hard to do. But honestly its pretty simple.

Copious choice splits the vote. Which makes it easier for them. So that was step one.

Then step two. Misleading voters into thinking these planted candidates are more progressive, which seeds false security by making them think they will endorse Bernie or another progressive candidate if they do drop out.

Step three is collect votes and delegates early on then drop out and give them to Biden. All of a sudden Biden has all the delegates and is somehow winning despite a huge portion of that being votes he didn't actually earn himself.

Step four will be people giving up and letting him win the primaries. They are literally already trying to end the primaries early and hand the win to Biden as I type this up.

And honestly.

I don't think step 5 will even be giving Biden the presidency. I don't think he's involved at all actually. I wholeheartedly think it'll be giving it to trump.

I think rigging the primaries in favor of Biden is jist phase one in a two part plan to get Trump re elected. And here's why:

1- Our last elections were hacked by the russians in trumps favor and there was literally 0 backlash for that for either of them.

2- Trump and his team just learned that they literally can get away with anything including trying to rig elections. He literally was impeached for this and got away with it. Soooo why shouldn't he do it if he knows its allowed for him?

3- There's no real know incentives for anyone with the ability to rig elections to rig them in the dems favor. The agenda of rigging elections is gaining power and money and it can only be done if you have some of that already. And who do the rich powerful people want to be in charge? Not Biden. And for SURE not Bernie.

4- Speaking of the impeachment trial.

Remember way back when the whole impeachment case story broke? Remember people making jokes about the fact that trump chose Biden of all people to get dirt on? Remember people thinking it was ridiculous cause there was no way he was gonna win the primaries?

Well. This is adding an extra layer of conspiracy to this conspiracy theory. But what if the plan to rig the election was already being formed back then?

What if Trump knew that Biden would eventually be the one running against him because he knew it would be rigged as such?

And I know your wondering why they would want Biden to be the one against trump as opposed to any of the other guys.

Well. Have y'all read the responses to the primaries so far? Everyone hates Biden. Like yeah we hate trump more. But I've already seen posts of people saying voting for Biden would be "just as bad".

I'm seeing people lose hope in Bernie winning or their voices being heard. And I'm seeing in fighting amongst people who are mad their first choice didn't win. All of this means potentially low voter turn out.

Especially amount younger more progressive voters who have taken a "Bernie or Bust" mentality.

And we know what happened when we take that stance. Cause its the same one that happened last time.

I know Hillary wasn't a perfect person or candidate either. And I too would have preferred Bernie in the last election.

But all that: "she's just as bad" "my votes don't count anyway" "id rather vote 3rd party than her" "Bernie or Bust"

All that.

Is how he won last time.

So all I'm saying is. Them rigging primaries in favor of a candidate they know most of the democratic voter base actually hates, makes it a lot easier to secure trump gets re-elected.

And the people potentially being pissed that Bernie lost primaries twice in a row wont help.

Even if my whole crazy theory is wrong. Even if their is no real evil plot being done here. That last point still stands.

If by some bizarre twist of fate. Biden wins the primaries. Be it honestly or by stealing delegates from the drop outs. He's still better than Trump.

Be prepared for that other shoe to drop.

Be prepared for the memes and social discourse trying to convince you not to vote or to throw away your vote on a 3rd party.

Be prepared for what ever dirt trump was trying to get on him to be released.

And know that he will STILL no matter what. Be better than Trump.

And in case I am right. And we are in the middle of an attempted coup.

Then this next part becomes twice as important.

If you live in a state that hasn't voted yet. PLEASE show up for Bernie.

I hate telling people how to vote. But mathematically speaking the only possible outcomes at this stage are Biden or Bernie. So for the love of god stop wasting votes on the other guys. Its almost as bad as voting third party for the actual election.

Plus if I'm right there's a 50/50 chance of those underdog votes being party of the conspiracy and going to Biden in the end.

If Biden really is your 2nd choice then fine. This doesn't apply to you.

But if you hate Biden and you prefer the more progressive stances, and your hoping for someone similar to Bernie, then just fucking vote Bernie.

Cause we learned from Warren that we cant trust ANYONE to give their endorsement to Bernie when they drop out.

So vote Bernie.

And if y'all don't, and we end of with Biden. I don't wanna hear any complaints.

If we get Biden then we gotta vote Biden. End of story.

Cause if Trumps re elected its game over.

He's already talking about extending his term limits or straight up erasing them. He wants to be a dictator and he's WELL on his way to achieving that.

He's proven above the law. And when the system fails the only hope left is the people.

Its 100% on us to make sure trump dosnt win. Its 100% on us to stay vigilant and not fall for the BS designed to turn things in his favor. It's 100% on us to show up, speak up, and carry a big ass stick of democracy.

Sorry for the long ass post. But I've been getting more and more suspicious/nervous by the day.

TL/DR: The primaries may or may not be rigged in Biden's favor. And that might be part of an even bigger plot to get Trump reelected. Don't waste your vote on 3rd party or underdogs. Please fucking don't inadvertently hand the election to trump.

And remember that I'm not a news source. Just a concerned citizen who worries too much and is hoping to inform/ warn people about a possible threat to our democracy.

[avpdpunpun]

i disappeared for 3/4ths a year here’s an update?

its been 4 months since my queue ran out and way longer since i wrote an actual post. 8 months about? i think i last posted when i impulse quit a job that was bad for my mental health and just kept getting worse.

sometimes i wonder when ppl who blog about mental illness disappear if they’ve died. there was a big user i used to follow who did, and i still occasionally think about it sometimes, so i figure its nice to post updates sometimes. and being able to look back on posts ive written and reflect on them/what state of mind i was in can be helpful even if it can be embarrassing/dangerous because its so easy to fall back into those thinking habits 

after quitting my job i did basically nothing for 6 months haha. at some point i managed to clean out my room which i had done the bare minimum on for years because of depression, took out more built up trash than i thought was possible to fit into my small space. its disgusting but the only thing i struggle to keep up with now at least is vacuuming and putting clothes away so my space is a lot cleaner and it makes me happier. your living space can really have an effect on your mood bless you marie kondo

after my post about having an anxiety attack taking my test i got my drivers license in march. i saw the same lady again after going somewhere else and i think she just let me pass because she felt bad haha. i never finished drivers ed and i still get anxiety about driving unfamiliar routes but my skills and confidence have improved a lot. i managed to drive 2 hours to a big city to visit a friend! i literally didnt have a choice in getting my license, but its still something i can be proud of. like, when i have to explain it to people, it feels extremely shitty that i didnt get it until i was 20, and only about 5 months ago too but... for someone who struggles as much as me, i have to be proud of it my small accomplishments or i’ll have nothing.

at some point something in my brain just snapped and i literally havent been able to cry? for a long time in those 6 months i felt like i was right on the edge of breaking down mentally but never actually crossing that line and it was honestly one of the weirdest things ive experienced. i almost wanted to have a breakdown again just to get rid of the feeling and reach a catharsis like... i used to be a fucking crybaby almost but i. cant. anymore. but i think ive mostly moved away from this point... still feel kinda weird tho.

i didnt end up signing up to a local school fo gen eds. its still on my mind for the vague future because there’s topics i want to learn about (psychology, natural resources, languages...) and maybe try to pursue for a career but really i just wanted a way to get out of my toxic house, even if it meant going into debt to live in a shitty dorm. 

in the last 30 days though life has been moving extremely quickly for me. i dont think i couldve lived with myself much longer being a useless adult basically living in my basement bedroom of my parents house, especially with my younger siblings getting nearer to adult milestones, plus my savings were starting to run out.

so literally next weekend, i’m moving out! and i make enough money right now that with the rough budget i have established, if its accurate, i’ll have a decent amount of wiggle room and hopefully wont be ruining my mental health just trying to make ends meet.

it took a long time of searching but i managed to find a job that hasnt made me suicidal and has slightly more than the MIT living wage for my area lol. im a janitor now! we’ll see how long it lasts but a lot of the factors from my last two jobs that contributed to my failing mental health are gone. i rarely have to interact with other people, and if i do its my coworkers, of who i tend to only see for minutes per day, or the other people working in the building i clean who at most i have to say hi and have a nice night to lol. i get to listen to music and podcasts for 8 hours and its very routine heavy. i have to clock out after the 8 hours is up so i literally cant be forced into overtime. a lot of people dont respect cleaning jobs like this but honestly who gives a fuck, its something i can handle mentally and support myself with. its still hard adjusting to 40 hours. i know its the standard, but the standard is rly tough for me, but i think i can do it long term.

all of this has been achieved through sheer self hatred and impulse alone, and im very nervous about moving in with 3 other people even if 1 of them ive known for 8 years, and i dont think its even properly hit me yet. literally cant register that i have to fend 100% for myself but also ill be away from my toxic family! i can bring my cat with me, who before this i got to see at MOST once a week!

a dude ive known online for two or more years is moving to my area too for college and he’s so sweet and kind, i feel better talking to him than i have 99% of people in my life and im so lucky to know him. ive been forced to talk about personal things i was kind of dreading (not his fault, just a result of our relationship going to go from online -> irl and things id have to address beforehand) and honestly i didnt even mind it that much when i just got it over with and talked about it to him! vulnerability is literally the thing i struggle with the most in interpersonal relationships and is a huge block for me in every way and in even the most mundane life situations but like... he’s honestly the best and im getting emotional writing this and its weird af because i straight up dont GET emotional about other people. ive absolutely developed a stupid fucking crush on him recently and i THINK hes been receptive to flirting and i cant tell if he flirts back because we already say i love you and are wholesome af but honestly no clue if he’s into (trans) dudes but honestly? even if it doesnt work out im so happy to be friends with him and im so excited to finally meet him!! i really think knowing him has helped me improve myself 

i’ve always thought that if i could literally just achieve the bare minimum in life that things would naturally get better. like i’m still mentally ill and get paranoid about peoples intentions and i think if my boss yelled at me id have an anxiety attack on the spot. im still depressed and hate that i have low energy and that it’s still rly hard doing basic chores. 

but like a huge part of my problem was that i felt like i literally couldn’t TRY to connect with people if i couldn’t face having to tell them bare info about myself, like “oh i cant drive” or “i dont have a job” or that i was living with my parents but not even making PROGRESS on getting out. like how could i make friends or go on dates if i literally couldnt contribute shit or admit these things i was so ashamed of? a lot of my self image was shaped by this because my entire life i havent been mentally well enough to do as well as i should have.

but like. i feel like im finally doing these basic things!! i dont have to hate myself so much anymore! i dont look badly on other mentally ill ppl who are less lucky than i/havent been able to do those things yet/might not ever and are still in the same situation i was 2 months ago but the self hatred is strong pls understand.

i dont know yet if i could afford twice yearly drs visits for meds or anything and probably not therapy. i dont even know what my insurance is yet haha. but i’ll see

i need to figure out at what point in my life im going to be able to never contact a single person in my family ever again, considering i’ll be a 20 min drive away and they will know the precise location of where i live, and if i’ll ever feel safe enough in society to start hrt but :^) you know :^) i can at least present more masculinely in the meantime!

i dont rly know how to conclude this... i’m not trying to brag either im just very nervous and excited about where my life might be going for the first time ever? maybe? in my entire life? i have no clue what to pursue after moving out, but i can figure it out. and just... that there’s hope even if youre as fucked up and mentally ill as i am lmao!

[shadowmooncat]

Hollow Shadow

I dont know why but ive been feeling very sad lately. I feel like.. its all not enough. I feel like im accepting it for everyone else’s sake. Ive managed to keep my feelings inside but sometimes people see it. When I cant be the thing they want the smiling laughing fool hardy happy for life guy, they become weirded out. I try to hide it from all. I dont want people to see me like that not even my own love. Lately ive been feeling like I dont belong anywhere, or i havent accomplished anything in life. I feel like talking about me all the time is selfish, that i have to sacrifice what i want for what i need. Every day I make hard decisions. I choose to go with the flow instead of following my path. Lots of people do. They have no choice either. Were all guided like a herd to where others want.

Inside i feel so scared and angry and depressed. I feel like i could lash out at people for some reason and dont know why. I know I am selfish I know i feel like im entitled to things too.. but just because I went through pain and hell in life doesnt give me the right to give it to others. I am no fool. I still feel sad though. My sadness comes from wanting too much and knowing ill never accomplish it soon enough. I feel like... ill die unable to achieve even part of my goal. All i want is to have no worries for a long time. No worries on money no worries on food no worries on working no worries on anything. Just for a lifetime. After all.. Life is short..

How do I cope with this? what can I do? Every time I feel like writing it all out I see the eyes of my peers and even my love staring at me with disgust or anger or upset because they want to know why or force me to be happy. I can imagine what she’d say Why are you unhappy? you have everything and no worries on all that? she would be angry and call me a liar and all that. Its just.. I feel fake.. and like I have to be fake to be something in life. Its not that your not enough its that I wanted more sooner than later.. I wanted something I could enjoy other than being at your side.. this is in terms of a job or like.. a hobby or something.. but I feel like i cant do that without hard work.. why must i work so hard for everything I want and need? why must we all? thats the mystery of life isnt it? Its no mystery its this rotten system ive tried to avoid all my life but had no choice but to relent. I am no longer a rebel inside. I feel like I betrayed myself. I feel like ive gone and become nothing more than the same shit different day man. That feeling... feels so empty. IT feels like its not me.. I feel like im losing more of myself by being more of what im not.. like what im not is becoming me.

I never thought it would be so hard.. but i remembered everyone saying in life you have to sacrifice what you want to get what you need. I even hear it from people i saw as a child hero. You dont get what you want you get what you need. Then.. do I need this pain? do I need this desire for more? this uncomfortable feeling that I havent done enough? or ive become nothing but a sheep? I feel like my destiny is now tied with the rest.. im no longer that curved way trying to make a mark on this world.. im the same.

what do I want? what do I desire? Who am I really?

Every single answer lies within shadow. That unrestricted freedom, the voice of my heart the fire inside me that tells me to fight all the normal and be different. The one that tells me go and find what we love to do and do it.

I felt a long time ago. That my heart and mind were battling. My mind always thought with logic, my heart always wanted emotions to rule. Who won? I feel like my heart won the battle and my mind won the war. Another stalemate.

Only outside forces bring them together. I am in a constant state of feeling like ill lose my mind to all of this. I developed ways to ease my insanity, play games, eat, satisfy whatever it wants. I dipped into my dark self from time to time and let it speak out even here. Their starting to say its not enough.

All those people... they would say im weird im a maniac a sociopath or just some selfish prick. They say “work? you dont know what it is son!” or that i havent worked hard enough. I dont want to work till im 50, I do but not something I dont like. Its not even about not liking it. I do like it.. I just need more money and dont want to have to work my ass off for it. Yeah thats impossible and laugh all you want but thats exactly why you and I are working jobs and doing shit we dont like in this fucked up system. Even if were the lowest of the low we have a voice. But i wont get into that. Thats shit that wont change no matter who you talk to. Ive not left my mark on this world. not been known for anything. I am a whiny selfish jerk. I feel like the worlds been bad to me, that ive been forced to hold off my feelings and emotions against them inside my shadow. I have been good in their eyes and changing. What have I changed?! what has changed? all ive become is what YOU want me to. How long do I have to pretend i love and need nothing else in this life? that i accept I cant do anything on my own? How long do I need to fake my feelings in front of people to get what i want? when can I be the me I want.. but who is that me?

It used to be a happy person.. but people made it twisted. I did as well. Its become what people would call, a psycho a selfish little brat. A sickening disgust that has no place in this world. All because it wants to live like something its not. Wants to be rich, wants to have this, wants to have that. Not people hounding it not people hurting it not this madness in its mind that keeps poking at it until it does something. And thats what I see sometimes people as.. poking at me with a stick until I dance for them. Like im trapped in a zoo. Or worse. Laughing away. Saying im just a nobody that can be replaced. Why because i havent worked like you? i havent gone through the same channels or pain or all of that?!

Inside im buried and burned and being forced to go deeper to escape from them.. and each time i go deeper i add another layer on top. That fake layer me. Learn new ways to fake and new ways to survive. Because now thats all im doing in life, is surviving by being fake. Thats why I think im the most depressed. But who cares? im a nobody, im not even worth their time.