#trans achilleans getting sent into queer crises by bee duo squad

[darlington-v]

Bro yeah... the transmasc friendship longing... its like yeah... I feel like its the youth vibes I should have had... and like, I look back on stuff I used to watch and how I felt about people around me... and like... the same wish and envy has always been there. Which like makes me feel a bit better cause its not JUST beeduo to give me the feelings...

Yeah... I just wanna be a bro who hangs with my bros...

You can like ignore this if you want, it just more of me being /same...

OK SO THIS HAS BEEN SITTING IN MY INBOX FOR A HOT MINUTE BUT YEAH

U GET IT ANON.

and yeah same i had the same reaction to like sasuke and naruto as like uhh genins, and theyre like Anime Bitches

and then i've had the same reaction to eddie n richie from IT in the 2017 film so like

i know it's not JUST beeduo but damn i still get sad when i watch them sometimes lmfao

but it's alright i mean something that can bring me comfort is like!! honestly??? fiction exists for a reason, and you can totally just.... explore things you may miss out on THROUGH fiction. and that's like a comfort. like sometimes things aren't ideal because of the cards we're dealt and that's okay! bc idk sometimes the missing cards meant more experiences that make me, me.

i was thinking about this in the car about like how. i think to myself sometimes like wow i wish i had the childhood a cis gay man would have had because i know?? a lot of like.... things ive missed out on childhood are important to me and i wish i had those experiences sometimes.

BUT ALSO??? IF I WAS A CIS GAY MAN IDK. IDK IM GLAD IM A TRANSMASC NONBINARY PERSON DUDE. like cis men are great and wonderful and i genuinely love them!! but im glad i have.... the experience of being raised "female" so to speak. like maybe i didn't have like???? the experiences i sometimes may YEARN- this is so far unrelated to bee duo bc im getting into like being a queer cis boy, and like??? idk if they're queer! maybe! it's not my business and it's not anyones but im not putting any type of labels on these guys bc its not my job nor my business like i said

BUT. BEE DUO R SLIGHTLY RELATED TO ME GOING AWW MAN WISH I WAS A CIS BOY WHO WAS KINDA FRUITY W/ MY HOMIES SOMETIMES

BUT ANYWAYS.

I MAY YEARN FOR THAT SOMETIMES but also if i was cis i think i'd not be as privy to somethings i am now? like idk! like, the male experience is vastly different from the female experience, and [this is applicable to childhood largely as our society functions on a binary in terms of gender, and only recently has it become more often that parents may raise their kids aware of gender and shit like that.] so i'm not talking about adulthood being confined to a binary, but our childhoods (at least in the US) mostly are. like typically by adulthood if you're queer you have an idea or you know and you have the freedom to explore that and experiment with it. like thats not to say by adulthood the female and male experience are the same either, it's just to say usually by adulthood it's not just a narrow binary. like maybe??? in childhood it can be more broad be depending on how you were raised, but most people are raised... with a binary.

ANYWAYS. THEYRE BOTH DIFFERENT EXPERIENCES. AND THOUGH I MAY LAMENT ON THINGS I'VE MISSED, I THINK THE EXPERIENCES I HAVE NOW HAVE CONTRIBUTED TO WHO I AM TODAY, AND OVERALL, I LIKE WHO I AM TODAY. especially MUCH more than like. how much i'd be willing to SACRIFICE that for like... a cis boy experience.

like i wouldnt be able to, obviously, but with that knowledge i don't have to lament it all the time. especially when, like i said, i can just... explore that experience in fiction. and if you really wanted to like, you could definitely RP something similar with your friends! because its a fun and cool way to explore shit in fiction!

RP and fiction is cool, it can be a healthy tool for people who have been robbed of experiences or simply have missed experiences and lament that to explore.... said experience.

TLDR;

YEAH ME TOO, BUT A PIECE OF COMFORT I HAVE IS THAT EVEN THO I CANT HAVE THOSE EXPERIENCES, THE EXPERIENCES I HAVE NOW HAVE MADE ME WHO I AM TODAY AND I CAN ALWAYS JUST. WRITE SOME FICTION OR RP SOME OF THOSE EXPERIENCES IF I RLY WANTED TO

[darlington-v]

HELLO YES IS ONE OF(?) THE FELLOW TRANSMASC BEEDUO ENJOYERS, RESPONDING AFTER A MULTIDAY DELAY.

CANT BELIVE THAT HANDHOLDING SHIT.

As someone else who has (on a certain level) like, made that connection, of someone I can be very affectionate with, but am still in the gender closet with for various reasons. I can absolutely understand your impulse and the preassure... a lot of my hesitation is based around a fear of going against some kind of perceived "ground work" in that relationship. And then I get frustrated because in this relationship and others i just would not have to think so much about this and how I present myself if I had just been born a cisguy. I am also just yearning for bro friendships where I'm just perceived as a dude from the get-go, even if I end up acting ""feminin"" or some shit.

But when I think about all the relationships I've had, I wouldn't want to have "skipped over" any of them, even if I wasn't, or didn't start by presenting my truly authentic self. I can't bring myself to regret or fully resent any of those connections, even if in my heart I can't always regard them as 100% "valid" or "genuine" in the context of how I know I was/am perceived and how I present. I dunno, I hope that makes sense, and helps in some way... I guess what im trying to say is, even if I have wishes and yearnings of how things could be different, I still am happy to have had the relationships I've had.... and I know ill just keep meeting new folks and either things will work out or they wont, and that'll be ultimatly for the best...

But hughu its also kinda silly when I think about it, that some internet dudes make me confront and think about all this shit. But it also does make sense too.

I don't know its very hard to explain, feel free to just ignore all this.

yes!!!! i TOTALLY understand this!

it's really frustrating because i would love to seek out other communities and environments that may lead into relationships similar to that of like??? SAME AFFECTION????? but im afraid to put myself out ANYWHERE new because i don't want to be perceived as like... woman-lite or anything. i don't want anyone to have to rethink how they perceive me i just wanted to present in the way that i feel.

similarly to what you said, i don't want to build something on "ground-work" i know i'll have to break down and like. make the REAL ground work pretty much?

and yeah! same! i get frustrated as well because it would just be much easier to deal w/ if i was just. cis. but i don't dwell on that too much, luckily

however i still run into the same issue: (more long winded venty shit below, ur invited to me being extremely vulnerable on the internet have fun)

how can i deal with this and make this easier for myself? is it... achievable even? like! yeah! how can i simply start new relationships with this... pre-established certainty of "that is a Boy! a BONAFIDE boy!" like... not even cis but just.

i struggle with the idea that most people who aren't trans will like... not... TRULY respect my identity? like behind closed doors. which is something i know a lot of trans people struggle with and honestly that is... our own issue in regards to trust. if no one throws and red flags that they don't actually respect your identity, then you really just have to trust that they do.

it's just... honestly putting conditions on like. your trust i guess. PERSONALLY. like im putting conditions on myself such as: if i present masculine then people will respect my identity and assimilate to how i identify, even if i don't present that yet.

which... usually isn't the case? people may take longer to assimilate but if someone is going to respect you, you can usually tell. or i feel like i can.

however. i guess. i want to shortcut the assimilation? but it's unfair to me to just put myself on hold until i don't need to ask people to like. REALLY understand liek HEY. THAT PITCHY MOTHERFUCKER IS A DUDE. because it's hard. and i, in my tiny pea brain, feel like a shortcut would just already be presenting male boy man MASCULINE. however, like i said, it's unfair for me to put that on myself bc that's a LONG time to wait!! that's coming out, getting a new wardrobe, and ALSO getting HRT!! that doesn't just happen in one day.

i explained to some friends that like. sometimes i wish i could just present a certain way and then no one could really ever know me intimately.

and it's definitely not that im... ASHAMED of being trans!! it's very nice and cool! however i feel sad that like... we're still adjusting as a society in terms of like... gender i guess? like... i do not want to be seen as woman-lite by anyone. in any degree. and sometimes you need a deeper understanding of gender to get past like... the weird like. ok he's... he's boy but like kinda not boy??

IT'S JUST. MMM. BEING PERCEIVED AND NOT INTERPRETTED CORRECTLY IS VERY TERRIFYING AND I HATE IT AND UR RIGHT BEING CIS WOULD BE EASIER, I DON'T NECESSARILY WANT TO BE CIS, I WOULD JUST LIKE TO EMULATE CISNESS WHILST REMAINING QUEER WHICH I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF IT'S POSSIBLE.

however same!!! the relationships i have now i love and i care very deeply about and i feel that like... even though they've known me before i was like "ok masc and he/they" and shit like that, i do feel like they understand like

*points* boy!!

however when it comes to strangers it's so... scary. and like IDK. ITS SO FUNNY BECAUSE I'VE NEVER HAD TO DEAL WITH THIS BEFORE. AND IT'S WHY I WANT TO LIKE? EXPLORE THE COMMUNITY FOR OLDER TRANS PEOPLE. LIKE HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH THIS???? how can you just BE OKAY when like... introducing yourself to strangers.

how can you just let... strangers in?

which is also *THROWS THINGS* THE WORST PART!!! I WANT TO BE A CONTENT CREATOR BUT I DON'T WANT TO WAIT!!!! I WANT MY VIEWERS TO GO BOY BOY BUT THEY WONT BECAUSE I HAVE NO FORM OF PRESENTATION BESIDE A PERSONA AND A VOICE AND MY VOICE IS PITCHY!!! ITS SO HIGH AND PITCHY!!!

and it's frustrating!! because i don't want an audience who doesn't like understand BOY!!! NOT WOMAN-LITE!!!!!!! NOT WOMAN GOING THRU PHASE!!!!!

BOYYYYY!!!!!

TLDR;

being trans is hard and i just don't want to be seen as woman-lite. i want to bee seen as like cis boy but trans. like i think i'd take more kindly to someone being like "omg i didn't even know you were trans!" to like someone infantilizing me and calling me a sweet little boy bean. and thats a lot easier between close friends! even though they have heard my voice and they've listened to me talk about being trans! they understand. and strangers?? have the potential to not. like they might? but what if they dont... and that's. Scary.

[darlington-v]

FELLOW TRANSMASC MLM HERE IM IN SHAMBLES. I YEARN FOR FRIENDSHIP. IM TRYING NOT TO THINK TOO DEEPLY. IM HAPPY FOR THEM. EVERY DAY THE DOOR OF MY PERSONAL CLOSET AND SELF DENIAL GETS CHIPPED AWAY BECAUSE OF MY ENVY.

RANBOO IS SO TALL ITS SO FUCKING FUNNY

SAHFKDSAHKFJHSDFKJ

ME ME ME

BRO ANY TIME THEY STREAM IT REALLY IS GONNA HAVE TO BE LIKE "IM TRYING NOT TO THINK TOO DEEPLY."

LIKE SHHHH SHUT OFF UR BRAIN QUIT BEING A WHINY LITTLE BITCH ITLL COME EVENTUALLY JSUT *beats the shit out of my gay ass brain*

SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!

like... Man...

idk i just.. Man. like... just... Shit, Dude.... like... Man.

like not to get too deep into my own personal issues, but its MY tumblr and i don't have to worry about beeduo looking for this shit, uhhh more under the cut lol

they really evoke like. The Desired Goal in mind that i am like. SUPER insecure of achieving i guess. WHICH IS NOT GOOD? like if you or anyone reading can relate, i think the best thing to do is just close out of the stream if it like makes you too emotional bc it definitely has for me!

which isn't their problem, which is why i'm talking about it on my tumblr w/o tags!

but it is an interesting pickle i've placed myself in and like idk these anons voicing like solidarity and being able to relate is also nice! i'm glad im not alone in trying to figure out how to navigate this because i love their content! and i don't want them to evoke this weird yearning and sadness whenever their affectionate with each other.

so it's been A Task.

however, in regards to like. The Gay Crisis Aspect, it really pushes this weird urgency on me to like... figure out HOW i can find someone i can be affectionate with in that way because right now, i don't really have that! and sometimes i feel a weird pressure to like... transition before even like... adventuring out to make new friends who i'll introduce myself as like... masculine to. which is super like- it gets very divorced from bee duo themselves obviously like beeduo r two cis boys? and it eventually just gets more divorced as i like think more deeply

which yanno. is standard if you're human and you're affronted with something that forces you to think about shit deeply.

ahuhguh idk yeah i had typed out a lot of this last night and now any train of thought i had here was gone but anytime i watch beeduo be affectionate with each other it just like

sends me into a trans gay crisis lmfao

GOOD THING I GOT THERAPY OTL