#like UGH i understand yes yes whatever

[twipsai]

GRAHH! got mad thinking about s1lvaze again

[khattikeri]

it bugs me when people treat lan wangji like a generic yaoi seme (i.e. filthy rich, selfish, arrogantly dismissive and unsatisfied, lords his position over those weaker or poorer, near-universal advantages over others, etc.

lan wangji IS way more privileged than wei wuxian, but lan xichen and the lan elders have FAR more power, control, and political advantage over him. lan wangji single-handedly physically fought 33 members of his own family to protect the man he loved, and they whipped him to near death for it. they forcibly imprisoned ("secluded") him and took advantage of his bedridden state to join the other clans in ambushing and assassinating wei wuxian.

my point is, he's not a stereotypical arrogant jerk with unending influence over others. if anything, being a dom top in bed isn't an expression of power for lan wangji, but an expression of freedom. he can be true to himself, his love, and his desires without being held back by his family and society's politics.

[lyrebirb]

anyways here’s what i noticed about colors in 500 days of summer

the way whole of Tom’s world is brown, warm, beautiful, old - it’s clear his view of things is romanticized, he loves niche things, takes pride in it and. um the way summer waltzes in with her blue, her eyes, her clothes, her life. like okay. and god. and every single time.

and oh oh my god when they’re showing the last few days of summer the little illustration is cold, blue. and the one who’s keeping him grounded to reality is his little sister - always in colors of orange, directly opposite to that of summer. AND the way as soon as summer leaves, everything in Tom’s life is blue. but it’s this realization that his expectations - that life is not peachy - about love aren’t going to come to fruition ???? and he comes up a blank when asked about it ????

it’s this blue that leads to him quitting his job, that though this love was fleeting and hey that is okay and that it was what lead him back to what he truly wanted to do. that this blue in his life hurt but it changed him

and as for summer, the way they both begin as summer believing in no such thing as love and Tom being the romantic that he is, believing in fate, destiny, etc….. and how it switches at the end………..and uhm. yeah. wow.

such a good movie what.

[lesbiansanemi]

Currently trying not to vomit over the fact that I essentially just lost almost a thousand dollars brb

[depresseddepot]

I have to confess to it or I'll never be able to move on. I think I got bamboozled and fell for an Instagram scam

[ohnoitsmysideblog]

i’ve been really into apple and onion lately. but like in an “overly analyzing every interaction, set, and prop” kind of way. like in a “thinking heavily about the theming and moral lessons” type of way. like i’ve been thinking a lot about the “not funny” episode and it’s been overlapping with my thoughts on mirrors and reflections and the times in my life when i’ve wholeheartedly convinced myself that my friends were going to abandon me and i might as well get used to being alone and maybe i’ll just be alone on purpose to spite them and it’ll be great because i can totally be my only friend and by viewing myself not as “myself” but as some kind of hard-to-explain separate Thing then i will never have to deal with loneliness ever again.

and okay sure yeah maybe at the end when falafel calls his friend and tells him “tea is hot but not as hot as the sun” as a way of reaching out despite the time that’s been lost i cried a bit. yeah. like that’s a pretty rad message for a kids show I’d say like yeah it actually is important to remember that everything is not black and white and people are capable of forgiveness and i’m a person who can be forgiven.

and i didn’t mean to write this much but fuck it, i love that the character arc for apple wasn’t “onion would never replace me because i’m his best friend” but instead “i love onion and i love being his friend even if that means i’m his millionth friend.” and of course apple isn’t replaceable but u get what i’m saying. i’m sorry but themes centered around love are and have always been my absolute favorite. love ur friends love ur family love ur pets love the earth whatever. ok i’m done now. i just wish i’d found this show earlier but i guess i’m glad i found it now when my life’s a mess.

[zeawesomebirdie]

This is probably just me not knowing how to utilise google correctly but WHY is it so hard to find Western novels about gay men that aren't romance novels

[cicadangel]

i don't understand why i am stressing myself SO much about getting into a prestigious uni. i know for a fact i would be so extremely miserable at an ivy league because i despise rich pretentious spoiled privileged private schoolers so much that it makes me physically ill with rage. i also know that because of my good grades and like idk pretty good ecs? like i think theyre unique enough and ''impressive'' enough or whatever so logistically i will get into a good uni if i apply to a wide enough spread of them. however i am still upset

[beehop]

i dislike the dentist for so many reasons but what is it about them that can just make you feel like a berated small child who has done something wrong but doesn't quite understand why they are getting scolded

[songofwizardry]

I have a late start at work today which is very nice and all but unfortunately for me once you get rid of the 7am adrenaline fuelled exit from the home I just think. hm. what actually is the point why do I not just have the whole day off. it’s basically afternoon.

[no-one-hears-me]

boutta ask my bro if he has any hot friends to send my way as a distraction

[my-castles-crumbling]

I like him

for shower thoughts anon :D - jegulus, marylily, drarry -word count: 661

"It's got to be Ginny," James said, sitting back onto the sofa next to Regulus and sipping at his glass of wine. "I mean...c'mon. He's been looking at her for a while! She's pretty, funny, a damn good Quidditch player..."

"And a redhead," Lily chimed in from the loveseat, winking at her ex-husband.

"And a redhead," James acknowledged, inclining his head with a chuckle. "I'd bet money on her being his girlfriend."

"Sure, she's pretty," Regulus, who was sitting next to James, drawled, "but she used to pine after him! Harry's going to walk in here with Hermione, just you wait. She's pretty as well, and she's smart, and they've been friends for ages."

"Ginny's smart!" James retorted, sounding offended, like Regulus had said something about James's own intelligence.

"Sure, but Hermione's grades are top tier," Regulus shrugged. "Nobody can beat them."

"Hermione's in love with Ron, I guarantee it," Lily said confidently, sipping at her own drink. "Hermione and Harry get on too well. There's no tension there."

"Poor Hermione. Why do the smart ones always fall for the emotionally stunted?" Regulus mumbled, smirking when James shouted 'Oi!'

But after scoffing at his husband, James sighed and addressed the room at large. "Alright. Let's say it's not Ginny or Hermione. Who, then? Cho? Luna?"

Finally, Mary, who was sitting next to Lily, gave a little giggle.

"You have an idea, love?" Lily asked curiously, turning to her wife.

Mary grinned. "No, it's none of my business," she said airily.

"You've known Harry since he was a baby," Regulus replied, rolling his eyes. "Just because you've only officially become his stepmother recently-"

"Ugh, 'stepmother' sounds awful...like I'm going to lock him in a tower..." Mary grimaced.

"Whatever. What're you thinking?" James asked eagerly.

"Isn't it obvious?" Mary said, eyes on Regulus, who gave her an annoyed head shake. "I'd bet my life he walks in with Draco Malfoy."

James and Regulus's sitting room was silent for a long time.

"Nah, that's-"

"There's no fucking way-"

But Regulus was the one who said thoughtfully, "No...she has a point."

James stared at his husband like he had three heads. "Love...Harry hates Draco, you know this! You...you both make fun of Lucius Malfoy together!"

"Yes, it's great bonding," Regulus agreed slowly. "And I'd sooner die than say anything nice about my cousin or her husband. Why do you think I haven't so much as sent them a letter in almost twenty years? But...well, you and Harry are very similar, James."

"Meaning what?" James asked incredulously.

Lily let out a little laugh of understanding. "Meaning he could also fall for the grumpy, pretentious Slytherin with a shit upbringing and a horrible outlook on life and somehow realize that said Slytherin isn't as shit as his family is."

Regulus frowned. "Grumpy?"

James, however, gave Lily an affronted look. "Are you saying that our son inherited my...what? Attraction to Slytherins?"

"Maybe your attraction to people who insult you, too," Mary mumbled from next to Lily, and everyone laughed except James.

"But I-" James began to argue his case, but before he could, there was a crack! outside, and loud voices could be heard.

"...was going to tell them! I just didn't know how!"

"You can't just surprise your family with this, Potter! They may be 'nice people' but they're still capable of going into heart failure!"

"Listen, Malfoy, it's going to be fine. They don't care who I date, as long as I'm-"

"-Happy, yes, well trust me, I'm not going to be making you happy for a long time if this goes poorly because you didn't give them the decency of a warning!"

"Listen, you need to talk quieter, alright? They can probably hear, and..."

And the voices trailed off into whispers, all four adults looked at each other with wide eyes.

"Well....I like him," Mary said, breaking into a grin. "But I'm just the stepmother, so..."

Everyone else groaned and moved towards the dining room.

[sweet1delusi0ns]

Class 1A boys getting a surprise kiss──☆*:・ﾟ

MHA/fem!reader

Characters: Izuku, katsuki, Shoto, Tenya, Eijirou, Denki, Sero, Tokoyami, Aoyama, Ojiro, Sato, Shoji, Koji!

IZUKU~

Surprising him scares him so much (poor guy) he either flinches back or starts instantly blushing. You come up behind him as quiet as can be and give him a little kiss on the cheek he will flip!

“aaAHHHHH- oh… h-hey y/n…your scared me…” “aw sorry I just wanted to give you a kiss~” “dont sneak up on me y/n! Your gunna get thrown threw a wall-” “Aw I just wanted to show you lovee!” “Warn me next time!” The whole time he was reddd~

KATSUKI~

Bro thinks he’s so cool trying to tease you with sneak kissed but the second you do it back to him it’s suddenly ‘not funny anymore’. So whenever you surprise kiss him he pushes you off and huffs like a baby

“Surprise~” “UGH WHAT ARE Y-YOU DOING!!” “Aw why so mad?” “ITS NOT FUNNY STOP IT!” He covered his face with one hand because he knows he’s turning red “aw my suki likes kissed! Mwa mwa mwaaa” “STOP!!”

SHOTO~

He doesn’t understand that he deserves kisses, especially when he didn’t do anything to ‘deserve’ the kiss. So when you surprise kiss him he is confused as he Is flustered

“W…what was that for?” “I can’t give you a kiss?” “Uhm I guess you can but I didn’t do anything-” “you don’t need too! I just wanted a kiss” “really? Well thank you…may I have another? For free?” “heh yes for free~"

TENYA~

He wants to be “cool” so bad but he can’t with you~ so whenever you give him a sneaky kiss he’s just like “stopppp :>” and either runs away or covers his face with both hands (yk how he does)

“What was that…” “uhm a kiss?” “Oh!…whatever….” “…” “heheheheehehehehe” “uh?” He just covers his face and wiggles like a weirdo- “hehe she kissed mee”

EIJIROU~

Wants to act cool and kinda does? Whenever you sneak kiss him he does it back to make it seem like not a big deal but flaunts it to his friends later~

“Aw thanks y/n! Mwa” “your so cute~!” You smother his face in kisses which he did not mind!! “T-thank you…a-again-“ “anything for youuu” 10 minutes later: “YOU GUYS SHE KISSED LIKE EVERY INCH OF MY FACE?!”

DENKI~

Yk that stupid Face he does when he short circuits, yeah he makes that face intentionally when you scare him with a kiss on the cheek. He jumps, maybe yelps a little then he realizes it’s you and makes that stupid face-

“AUH!” “It’s me…?” “Oh…. (-ヮ-)” “don’t ever make that face at me again what-” “sorry! You just caught me off gaurd!” “You just want another kiss huh?” “Yes.” “Fine but that face is not cute”

SERO~

The only time it ever really gets to him is if it’s in public!! So when you sneak up on him and give him a kiss when he’s with his friends he will get so flustered and pushes you away while looking at the ground~

“Mwaa hey babe” “Y/N?!” “What?” He pushes you out of ear shot from his friends “d-dont do that infront of my friends! It’s embarrassing!” “Is being kissed embarrassing or is you being red embarrassing?” “Shut up.” He walks back to his friends acting like you didn’t exist . Later when you give him the silent treatment for ignoring you he won’t leave you alone till he gets another kiss

TOKOYAMI~

Most of the time dark shadow snitches on you before you even get to him, but the few times you sneak past him is so cute! When you startle him with a cheek kiss he jump and his feathers puff out in fear. Then acts like he wasn’t scared at all

“No need to puff up it was just a kiss?” “Uh? Puff up I don’t know what you mean.” “Your feathers are puffed out? Ohhh you got scared!!” “Not possible!” “Deny it all you want!…you are really fluffy though” “stop!” He turns his back to you so he can be flustered in peace

AOYAMA~

Stuck up little shit. But you know it’s all in good fun, he does love you but sometimes you think he loves himself a little more which he doesn’t (off character ik, it’s a HC ok!) so mostly when you surprise kiss him he just makes it abt him-

“Aw y/n~ id Kiss me every second of the day too!” “Uh-” “I am so awfully dazzling I couldn’t resist either~” “ok no more kisses for you.” “WAIT WHAT NO?”

OJIRO~

Smart boy so he has made it a habit of keeping his tail circled around him so he can feel your footsteps through the floor, or trip you (LOL) so the only way you can get him is when he is sitting. He thinks he’s safe when he’s sitting but he isn’t

You creep up behind him and grab his shoulder, you pull your head around his and give him a very aggressive kiss! “GOTCHAA” “y/n that’s not fair I wasn’t ready for that!” “It is so fair, I get to kiss you, and you get a kiss from me! Fair!” “Ugh! Next time warn me! So I can trip you” “what?”

SATO~

Big boy! He isn’t scared of surprise kisses at all, shockingly he is one of the few who don’t even flinch at all. So you just jump on his back randomly and smother his cheeks with kisses!

“Sneak attack! Mwa mwaaa MWAAA” “y/n~ stop!” “Why???” “Cuz i want a real one!” He points to his lips and you gave him a soft smooch there too! He also likes it when you squish is face when kissing himm

SHOJI~

Another one who doesn’t get scared, just really shy. You have seen him without a mask but he is still a little insecure about it (writing abt that later😍). So when you pull his mask down and kiss his lips he hides away sometimes~

“Shoji?” “Yes love?” You pull his mask down to give him a soft kiss on his lip before pulling it back up to not make him uncomfortable. He broke “that’s all~” “one moment…” he just crouches to the ground to hide for a second to think of a plan. When he’s done hiding he comes back up and kisses you back with rosy cheeks!

KOJI~

Just don’t, he will die, From being scared and or flustered. You have to warn him no matter what! So it normally goes like this

“Hey koji” “um…yes?” He only talks in private or if it’s important! “Im warning you, I’m gunna kiss you” “…hu-” smooch “there!…you gunna be ok?” He collapses to the ground hiding in his knees which are against his chest “mhm…” “your so cute~” “*squealing noise*”

Not proooooof readdddd cuz I’m lazyyyy😍

Literally gunna write class 1B next they need more love cuz they such cutiesss

[sharlsworld]

༘˚⋆𐙚｡⋆ cat and mouse — 𝐋𝐍𝟒 𖤓

( 𝗅𝖺𝗇𝖽𝗈 𝗇𝗈𝗋𝗋𝗂𝗌 𝗑 𝗅𝖾𝖼𝗅𝖾𝗋𝖼 𝗋𝖾𝖺𝖽𝖾𝗋 ）

（ 𝗌𝗎𝗆𝗆𝖺𝗋𝗒 ）𝗅𝖺𝗇𝖽𝗈 𝗇𝗈𝗋𝗋𝗂𝗌 𝗂𝗌 𝗍𝗂𝗋𝖾𝖽 𝗈𝖿 𝗉𝗅𝖺𝗒𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝗍𝗁𝖾 𝗀𝖺𝗆𝖾 𝗈𝖿 𝖼𝖺𝗍 𝖺𝗇𝖽 𝗆𝗈𝗎𝗌𝖾 𝗁𝖾 𝗃𝗎𝗌𝗍 𝗐𝖺𝗇𝗍𝗌 𝗌𝗈𝗆𝖾𝗈𝗇𝖾 𝗍𝗈 𝖼𝗈𝗆𝖾 𝗁𝗈𝗆𝖾 𝗍𝗈 𝖺𝗇𝖽 𝗁𝗂𝗌 𝗉𝖺𝗍𝗂𝖾𝗇𝖼𝖾 𝗂𝗌 𝗐𝖾𝖺𝗋𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝗍𝗁𝗂𝗇

🝮

yn

liked by pierregasly and 1,164,455 others

yn 🐝🐝🐝🐝

alex_albon I have a feeling you like flowers but idk I’m not too sure

lando oh my goodness who got you all of these beautiful expensive flowers? 😱

⤷ yn one of my brothers friends he’s a real creep

⤷ lando i’ll protect you princess don’t be afraid

⤷ yn my knight in shining armor

oscarpiastri “We’re not dating guys I just buy her flowers whenever I see her which is almost everyday of the year because I follow her around like a lost puppy”

⤷ arthur_leclerc “Yeah he gets me seafood all the time even though he hates it but it’s just because he’s a good friend”

⤷ carlossainz55 “I know we’re not dating and I could see other people but why would I when I have her?”

⤷ georgerussell63 “Seriously guys we’re not dating I just call her baby and other names of endearment on a regular basis because we’re really good friends”

⤷ charles_leclerc “I’m not kidding Charlie we’re not messing around with each other he just takes me out to eat almost every morning, day, and night and sits with me during my nail and hair appointments but that’s what all friends do”

⤷ lorenzotl “Of course we don’t eat out every single day sometimes we cook together but not in a romantic way”

⤷ mclaren “She’s not my girlfriend but can I still get the day off for valentines so I can fill her house up with flowers and take her to dinner on the beach?”

⤷ lando wooowwwww you’re all fake and i’m running away with y/n

⤷ yn lets go to the maldives

⤷ lando wherever you want babylove pack your suitcase i’m booking the tickets rn

⤷ charles_leclerc Wait take me please

⤷ lando um no your confession was almost as bad as mclarens admin

⤷ charles_leclerc pleasuhhh remember when i didn’t drown you when defiled my sweet little baby sister last summer?

⤷ lando you mean when i kissed her on the forehead?

⤷ charles_leclerc whatever i didn’t drown you did i?

⤷ lando no you pushed me off the boat and made me bruise my ribs

⤷ charles_leclerc yeah then y/n pushed me off the boat too and made me bruise my ribs as well so….i’ll be waiting with my bags packed 😊

⤷ lando you’ll be waiting for a while

🝮

yn

liked by gigihadid and 2,371,056 others

yn he wasn’t kidding

charles_leclerc I can’t believe you guys didn’t take me

⤷ yn as if you can’t pay for a trip here yourself

⤷ charles_leclerc Yes but why would I want to do that when I could go for free?

lando only the best for you mon ami 😘

⤷ arthur_leclerc Fuck slow burn, me and my homies hate slow burn 😒

carlossainz55 “I hate seafood and I’ll hate it till the day I die” “I love seafood” “No way me too”

⤷ charles_leclerc I can confirm this is how this conversation went. 100% accuracy

⤷ yn my charlos heart 💔

⤷ charles_leclerc please stop that’s a sensitive topic for us right now

⤷ carlossainz55 You guys don’t understand the pain we’ve been going through

⤷ yn kiss and make up

f1 our favorite “friendship”

⤷ yn what you out here being messy for 🤨🤨

alexandrasaintmleux Ugh a girls trip with cha & jade is needed 😫😫

⤷ yn long overdue i’ll have lando plan something for us 🤗

⤷ georgerussell63 Lando? Plan something good? Really?

⤷ arthur_leclerc He doesn’t mess around when it comes to planning something for her

⤷ charles_leclerc Yeah I watched him plan her birthday he lowkey turned into a nerd

maxverstappen1 I want a boyfriend like lando

⤷ yn you have charles

⤷ maxverstappen1 Stop telling everyone we’re secretly dating I thought you would’ve grown out of that by now

⤷ yn grow out of telling the truth??

alex_albon Dear Lando Norris, I comment this under y/n’s post because I know you read every single comment to see if anyone is being mean to her. I, along with many of the other boyfriends and husbands on the grid kindly request that you stop doing the most for y/n, who you are not dating, because you are making us look very bad.

Love, Alexander Albon

⤷ lando Dear Alexander Albon, I reply to your comment under this post because yes you’re right, I do look at every single comment under her posts. I think you should all stop making excuses for yourselves and get your girlfriends & wives some flowers, you all can afford them. It doesn’t matter if they’re from the side of the road or from the best florist in the country, it’s the thought that counts. Ladies, if he wanted to he would. Xoxo, Lando Norris

⤷ yn clocked it

🝮

landonorris

liked by maxverstappen1 and 729,538 others

lando fun in the sun

charles_leclerc my sister isn’t blonde you slut.

alex_albon oh that’s not…

oscarpiastri Do my eyes deceive me or are you cheating on y/n right now? 🤨🤨

francisca.cgomes i’m bout to tweak in this bitch bruh, i’m bout to tweak in this bitch bruh 😄

danielricciardo Oh!!! That’s….

lilymhe It’s always the ugly ones bruh

arthur_leclerc Fuck Lando Norris, me and my homies hate Lando Norris 😒

charles_leclerc Don’t come to dinner on Friday.

landolovesyn now why would he do this

sharls_lerklerk you really couldn’t just man up and ask her out could you?

georgerussell63 Hey so this is actually insane

landossluttywaist it’s like you want to make enemies with the all the drivers bruh

alexandrasaintmleux Hm

lando NO GUYS IT’S MAXS GIRLFRIEND PLEASE BELIEVE ME I WOULD NEVER BETRAY MY BABY LOVE PLEASE BELIEVE ME PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE

⤷ maxfewtrell I can confirm

⤷ lando guys please i know this looks so bad but i swear i was just trying to be aesthetic

⤷ yn i too can confirm i was the one that told him to post that i did not think that through 😭😭

⤷ yn please stop dming lando saying you’re gonna find him and no will ever find his body he’s currently hyperventilating and on the verge of tears

⤷ charles_leclerc Thanks for clearing that up lando it would’ve been nice before I fucking released a bunch of snakes in your apartment

⤷ lando i just posted this 10 minutes ago???

⤷ charles_leclerc Don’t question me

⤷ charles_leclerc maman said come to dinner on friday 🤗

lilymhe I was joking obviously you’re very handsome lando…i guess 😒

maxverstappen1 Whatever you do, don’t eat any of the food in your apartment…

⤷ lando WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY FOOD

⤷ maxverstappen1 You don’t want to know

oscarpiastri I knew my eyes weren’t deceiving me 😎😎

arthur_leclerc Love Lando Norris, me and homies love Lando Norris ❤️

🝮

yn

liked by oliviarodrigo and 1,940,036 others

yn please leave some kind words in the comments for lando he is very distraught that the world thought he would do something like that

georgerussell63 Correction: Lando is very distraught that the world thought we would do something like that to you

charles_leclerc I never doubted Lando for second I knew he would never hurt you

⤷ yn then why did you release snakes in his apartment?? he was literally ready to abandon it

⤷ charles_leclerc I’m gonna be honest rn, I was still mad that he all the dubai chocolate you made

⤷ lando SHE LITERALLY MADE YOU MORE

⤷ charles_leclerc THEN YOU CAME OVER AND ATE ALL OF IT FATASS

⤷ lando UGH YOU DONT DESERVE HER DUBAI CHOCOLATE CUNT

⤷ yn you guys are fatties i literally made more last night and charles came over and stole it

⤷ charles_leclerc Who’s side are you on?

⤷ yn lando’s

⤷ charles_leclerc Wow. My own sister.

carlossainz55 I cannot lie, he can make some yummy pasta once in a blue moon

leclerc_pascale Poor Lando I know he would never do something like that to my baby ❤️

⤷ lando mama leclerc always been a real one 🤞🏽

mclaren Wait a minute, why is he in your bed??

⤷ scuderiaferrari And why is he shirtless??

⤷ yn WHAT YOU OUT HERE BEING MESSY FOR??

francolapinto a tear just ran down my leg

⤷ yn 😰????

⤷ yn hey me too tho

⤷ charles_leclerc Lando Norris you little slut you corrupted my little baby sister

⤷ lando hey bruh she was the one running her foot up and down my leg at dinner

⤷ carlossainz55 WOAH WOAH WOAH WOAH

⤷ oscarpiastri WOAH WOAH WOAH WOAH

⤷ georgerussell63 WOAH WOAH WOAH

⤷ charles_leclerc You pervert how dare you lay your slimy sick hands on my little baby sister

⤷ yn i’m 22 going on 23?

⤷ charles_leclerc Yeah and he’s 25 going on 26 that’s 3 years too old. He was talking when you couldn’t even hold your own head up.

⤷ yn you’re 4 years older than alex?

⤷ charles_leclerc WHOS SIDE ARE YOU ON I’M TRYING TO PROTECT YOU

⤷ yn protect me from lando? i literally hit him with a golf cart in mexico and he apologized to me for ruining my fun

⤷ charles_leclerc Yeah and he did apologize to you when you almost fell off your bike in singapore after he fell of his cause you ran into him

🝮

yn

liked by charles_leclerc and 2,795,443 others

yn 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👨

danielricciardo little lando norris grew a pair

oscarpiastri Lando after asking the second biggest question of his life

⤷ alex_albon what the first?

⤷ oscarpiastri “Will you marry me?”

⤷ charles_leclerc Don’t even joke like that.

scuderiaferrari Wait our little baby isn’t so little anymore 🥹

leclerc_pascale My little loves 🥰🥰

lando MINE ALL MINE ALL MINE

lando I’M NEVER LETTING YOU GO

alexandrasaintmleux Soo cute 🥹❤️❤️

♥︎ by author

lilymhe I know them bee’s LOVE your apartment

⤷ yn we’ve created a bond

estiebestie only took a few years

⤷ lando you try getting charles leclercs approval to date his little baby sister then get back to me

mclaren It’s been a long time coming 🧡

francolapinto why can’t we all just kiss?

⤷ yn the closet is made of glass

⤷ francolapinto what are you trying to say??

⤷ yn you’re gay 💅🏽🏳️‍🌈

⤷ lando allyyyy 🏳️‍🌈

pierregasly Use protection kids

⤷ charles_leclerc I will kill you

maxverstappen1 Sometimes I seriously wonder how Lando hasn’t gotten blue balls yet

⤷ lando i be getting lucky with her on holidays

⤷ charles_leclerc OH MY GOSH YOU SICKO I CANT BELIEVE I INVITED YOU TO MEXICO WITH US FOR NEW YEARS

⤷ arthur_leclerc yeah i woke up in the middle of night one day and lowkey traumatized myself

⤷ charles_leclerc WHY WOULDNT YOU TELL ME

⤷ arthur_leclerc i just said i was traumatized charles why would i want to talk about it

⤷ yn chile always soo

🝮

lando

liked by oscarpiastri and 3,301,462 others

lando i’ve peaked

charles_leclerc Bastard

⤷ leclerc_pascale Charles be nice

⤷ charles_leclerc I was joking you’re not a bastard Lando

danielricciardo Crazy son of a bitch did it

oscarpiastri Never thought you’d actually get this far to be totally honest

alex_albon he has finally felt the warm embrace of a woman

♥︎ by author

francolapinto so do we kiss now?? like what happens next?

⤷ yn june is coming up ❤️ you have our support buddy

charles_leclerc I hope you two breakup

⤷ lando you joke but i know you know how well i treat her and i know you’d be sad if we ever did

⤷ charles_leclerc shut up i can’t handle the truth

⤷ francisca.cgomes how can you be so supportive but yet so unsupportive at the same time??

⤷ charles_leclerc It’s a talent 😎

arthur_leclerc Ignoring the fact that you’re basically motorboating my little sister, welcome to family bro 🥹🥹💗💞💖💘💕💓💓

⤷ charles_leclerc don’t welcome him to the family they’re not getting married jeez

⤷ yn you say that like he hasn’t been apart of the family since 2020

⤷ lorenzotl And you honestly think they’re not gonna get married in a few years?

⤷ arthur_leclerc He’s literally been planning this since 2021

⤷ charles_leclerc Ignoring those comments for my mental health

lewishamilton the game of cat and mouse is officially over folks, thanks for joining us on this journey. next up, marriage

⤷ charles_leclerc seriously?

[jjsloverre]

bsf!chris making love to you for the first time

pairing: bsf!chris x bsf!reader

in which… bsf!chris offers to make real love to after a intense conversation

contains… cursing, smut, unprotected p in v, praise kink, oral (fem!receiving) fluff, aftercare (not proofread)

__________________________________________________________

the conversation started sweet and casual. then it suddenly shifted. “i’ve honestly never made love to a girl, i just regularly fuck them.” chris explained to you. “mmm no guy has made me feel loved during sex, sorta sucks.”

“well dudes are usually ‘oh i’m gonna fuck this bitch and leave.’ that’s how most guys are, i hope i’m not like that when i try and fall in love.” chris surprisingly opens up. he doesn’t usually talk about relationships with girls, simply because; he didn’t know how to properly treat a girl. “but if a guy did that to you i’d probably kill him.” chris shrugged.

“ugh i hate boys! one day a man is gonna come into my life and make real love to me and we’re gonna have 100 babies!” chris’ face contorted with disgust. “listen to me, whatever you do… do NOT have 100 babies! hell not even 3 cause you are NOT going to call me to take care of your semens!” you barked out a laugh. “christopher! i know you didn’t call my future kids ‘semens’!”

“that’s what they are sweetheart, little sperms that grow.” you look away in disgust. “okay! we can stop this talk now!”

“mmm no we can’t! i actually… wanted to offer to make love to you. and before you be like ‘no you don’t know how to’ i promise you, i’ll lay you down, give you all those little kisses you like, kiss your sweet spot, kiss you while i’m slowly pushing my dick inside you, and i promise to give you slow and deep strokes.”

“thank you for that detailed sex chris.” he took your hands. “i mean it, you don’t got to suck me off unless you want to, but i’ll show you how good i can eat pussy and shit, i’ll give you the best sex you’d ever have.”

“you just said you weren’t capable of that though.” he shook his head. “i’m not capable of doing that with other girls, but with you? i care about you and would kill somebody if they mistreated you or your body.” you thought about it for a bit. “fine.”

chris didn’t need to be told twice. he immediately picked you up and laid you on the bed. “gonna fuck you so good and deep, gonna be feelin me for days..” he started, he began to kiss your neck, then your lips. as he kissed you to distract your nerves, he pulled your pants and panties off. breaking from the kiss, he got you fully naked. “my best friend is so beautiful. you know that?”

you nod shyly, the blush coming to your cheeks. he takes his shirt off, then his pants, then soon the boxers. “don’t even focus on my dick, he can wait. right now though? i’m all about your pleasure.” chris took one of your nipples into his mouth, his hand coming to the other. you moaned as he played with your tits. “i’ve always wanted to suck these sexy titties for so long baby.”

not long after, chris was rubbing your clit slowly, your hips bucked wildly, begging for more. “do you want it now baby?”

“y-yes please…” you begged. he went down on you, his face mere inches away from your glistening pussy. “i’m gonna love this shit..” chris mumbled and latched his lips onto your clit while he plunged two fingers knuckles deep inside you. he sucked on your clit for a while until he replaced his fingers with his tongue.

definitely your favorite part. chris fucked you with his tongue skillfully. you moaned louder and louder until you came all over his tongue. “you taste wonderful, fuck baby.”

he sits up, looking at your fucked out face. “before we start, do you want me to nut in you or pull out?”

“do you mind pulling out? i’m not on anything and don’t want to risk it.” he nods understanding. “don’t mind at all, your body your choice my beautiful girl.”

“alright… you ready?” chris asks, hovered over you. his tip nudging at your dripping entrance. “y-yeah i am…” he nods and leans down to kiss you softly as he pushed his tip slowly inside you. “stay still— fuck you already feel amazing…” he pushes his whole length inside you, savoring every feeling of your walls clamping down on his cock.

“chris! ‘m so full!” he nod, kissing your neck while he slowly fucks you. “what else do you need to feel loved baby?” you shake your head, already on the verge of cumming. “n-nothing.. gonna cum soon chris!” he picks up his pace slightly. “i can tell, that pretty pussy’s squeezin me in real tight, you must like this dick huh?”

you could barley get your words out. all you could come up with was a short “yes.” he rested his forehead on yours, blue eyes looking deeply into your pretty brown ones. “you takin my dick so well, doin so good f’me sweetheart. go ahead and cum for me.” with those words, you came. and you came hard. your walls clamped down on chris’ cock, earning a moan out of his lips.

after a few strokes he whipped his dick back out and aimed his tip at your stomach. “fuck baby…” he stroked his cock viciously until white, pearly cum shoots out from his twitching tip, all over your stomach. “you took my dick so well, i’m so proud.”

“i did didn’t i?”

“fuck yeah you did. sit still, i’m gonna run you a bath ok?”

“yeah, thank you chris.”

“no problem.”

chris comes back a few minutes later and carries you to the bath tub and sets you down. “can we do that again sometime?” he looks down at you in pure adoration. “sure we can sweetheart.”

__________________________________________________________

taglist: @aaliyahsturniolo @sturniologirlzz @sturns-mermaid @sophand4n4 @ethanthequeefqueen @sturnioloenthousiast @babyclines @chalahyung01 @bee-43 @superlegend216

[biggianteggplant]

Reader getting asked by haikyuu guys to watch over their pets while running some errands ranting and confessing their whole life to the pet lol not knowing the guys heard her

HINATA SHOYO

The room was quiet. A little too quiet.

Y/n sat cross-legged on Hinata’s bed, gently poking at the hamster cage on his nightstand. Inside, a tiny cinnamon-colored fluffball waddled over to the bars, twitching his nose like he knew tea was about to be spilled.

She smiled softly. “Hey, little guy. You probably don’t understand me, but I gotta talk to someone before I explode and eat dry wall.”

The hamster blinked at her. Innocent. Judgement-free. The best kind of therapist.

She sighed, playing with the edge of her sleeve. “Your dad—or whatever Hinata is to you—is kind of… ugh. A lot. You know that, right?”

The hamster tilted his head. A single squeak.

“Exactly,” she said with a weak laugh. “He’s so—so loud. So bright. And he smiles like the sun and gets excited about everything, even vending machines. And it’s annoying. Like… painfully cute. Do you get it?”

Silence. Fluffball stared back.

Y/n leaned in closer, whispering like they were co-conspirators. “I think I’m in trouble. Like, real trouble. I like him. A lot.”

Her face warmed. She hid it behind her hands for a second before peeking at the hamster again. “He gave me strawberry milk the other day and said it reminded him of me because it’s ‘sweet and makes him hyper.’ Who says stuff like that?!”

A rustling sound downstairs made her freeze.

“…If you tell him I said any of this, I swear—”

“Tell me what?”

Y/n froze.

She turned slowly.

Hinata stood in the doorway, holding a snack tray and looking way too curious.

Y/n: “NOTHING I WAS JUST—I WAS TALKING TO THE HAMSTER.”

Hinata raised an eyebrow, grinning. “Are you jealous of my pet? Or were you confessing to him?”

“Shoyo I will throw you out the window.”

He laughed—big and bright and so unfair—as he walked over and sat beside her.

The hamster squeaked again.

Hinata smirked. “I think he ships us.”

ASAHI AZUMANE

Y/n side-eyed the giant white bird chilling in its fancy cage like it paid rent. The cockatoo blinked back at her with the smugness of someone who knew all your secrets. Because, apparently, it did.

She leaned in closer, holding a sunflower seed like she was about to make a deal with the mafia. “You better behave today, feathered gremlin.”

The cockatoo took the seed and blinked innocently.

“Don’t look at me like that,” Y/n whispered. “Last week you screamed when I sneezed. You are not slick.”

The bird continued chewing.

Y/n settled onto Asahi’s couch with a sigh. He was out “foraging” a.k.a. getting the bird more organic trail mix from that overpriced pet store. Honestly, she didn’t mind. She got alone time with Mr. Feathers… and the living room that suspiciously always smelled like Asahi’s cologne.

She glanced around, then leaned toward the cage again, whispering like she was about to commit a federal crime.

“Okay, listen,” she said, crossing her arms. “I don’t know why I keep coming here. I mean, yes I do. It’s him. I’m not proud of it. But here I am. Babysitting a judgmental feathery narc just to hang out with a man who probably thinks I’m here for you.”

The cockatoo tilted its head.

“I mean, have you seen him?” she continued, eyes wide. “Tall. Gentle. Looks like a forest god. Carries groceries with one hand like it’s nothing. And when he ties his hair up—OH, don’t get me started on the man bun. I would marry that man bun. Like, officiate a ceremony right now, bird, I swear.”

The cockatoo gave a soft whistle.

Y/n sighed dramatically. “It’s just not fair. He probably sees me as this weird friend of a friend who’s always here mooching off his air conditioning and pretending not to stare at his arms. Arms, bird. Like—who gave him permission?!”

The cockatoo slowly began climbing up its perch.

“Also, for the record,” she added, pointing, “you’re evil. You look like a cute puffball but deep down you’re plotting my downfall. I can feel it in my soul.”

And that’s when it happened.

A pause.

A blink.

And then—

“SHE THINKS YOU’RE DADDYYYYY.”

Y/n froze.

“…Excuse me?”

The cockatoo strutted across its perch like it had just delivered the winning line of a roast battle.

“HOT MAN WITH JUICE ARMS,” it yelled.

Y/n screamed internally. “STOP—YOU’RE NOT EVEN SUPPOSED TO TALK—”

“I WANNA BITE HIS FOREARMS.”

Y/n clutched the couch cushion like a lifeline. “WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS?!”

The bird flared its crest, proud and majestic and also the devil.

And then—the door clicked.

Asahi, holding a bag of bird food and a reusable tote full of those coconut water drinks no one liked except him.

“Hey, sorry I took long, they were out of the—”

“I WANT TO SIT ON HIS LAP AND CRY.”

Asahi paused. Mid-step. Eyes wide. Brain buffering.

Y/n: buffering harder.

The bird was not done.

“WELCOME HOOOOOME, DELICIOUS TREE MAN.”

Asahi dropped the grocery bag.

Y/n dropped her soul.

She slowly turned toward him, face bright red, limbs stiff, voice high-pitched. “I—uh—I DIDN’T TEACH HIM THAT I PROMISE—”

Asahi blinked slowly. “...Delicious tree man?”

Y/n shrieked. “DON’T REPEAT IT—”

The bird screamed, “CRADLE ME LIKE A BABY—OH WAIT THAT’S HER—”

And that was the final straw.

Y/n tripped over the rug trying to run and slammed to the floor in front of Asahi like a fish trying to escape the tank. She lay there. Broken. Defeated. Possibly concussed.

Asahi rushed over, crouching beside her, flustered and awkward and absurdly hot. “Y/n?! Are you okay???”

She groaned into the carpet. “Do you have a bird-size jail cell. I need a moment with your snitch.”

The cockatoo cackled in the background like it was possessed.

Asahi gently helped her sit up, trying not to laugh. “You know… he only repeats things he hears a lot.”

Y/n blinked.

Realized.

And died internally all over again.

“Oh my god. I’m never showing my face here again,” she muttered.

But Asahi was smiling. Soft. Adoring. Flushed.

“You could,” he said quietly, brushing her hair out of her face, “just say it to me next time.”

Y/n gaped.

The bird chirped in the background, “NOW KISS.”

TIMESKIP! KOUSHI SUGAWARA

Let’s get one thing straight

You didn’t choose to fall in love with Sugawara Koushi.

No, no. That was an ambush.

A tactical, strategic, perfectly executed emotional ambush with bonus dimples.

And it wasn’t fair.

Not when he smiled like sunshine and smelled like safety and had that gentle but I will assign a pop quiz just to humble you energy that made your heart do cartwheels in a full-blown panic attack.

Also not fair?

His pet mous.

Yes, a mouse. In a classroom. Living rent-free in a tiny cage next to the window. Named cheese.

Personality: suspiciously nosy and loves chewing through secrets.

You’d been assigned clean-up duty in Suga’s homeroom all week — and by “assigned” you meant you had volunteered with the desperation of someone trying to inhale proximity like oxygen.

So there you were.

On your third consecutive day of "accidentally" staying late to sweep a room that didn’t need sweeping.

And for some reason, you were talking to the mouse again.

“…I’m just saying,” you whispered, gently sliding your fingers through the bars of the cage as cheese’s tiny pink nose twitched. “He should NOT be allowed to smile at students like that. It’s an emotional hazard.”

cheese blinked.

“And those sleeves?? Rolled up? What does he want me to do, DIE in this room?”

The mouse crawled onto the wheel and started spinning.

“Oh, don’t start with me. You live with him. I know you’ve seen it. He keeps adjusting his tie and looking all put-together and vaguely ethereal like he doesn’t know what he’s doing to my central nervous system—"

Rustle.

Something brushed your hand.

You looked down.

cheese was out of the cage.

You: “What the—how—??”

The little rodent scurried right into your sleeve, like a fuzzy lie detector, and parked itself near your shoulder like it was settling in for the next round of confessions.

You nearly screamed. “YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE IN THERE—OH MY GOD, GET OUT—”

The door creaked.

You froze. Mouse in sleeve. Soul in shambles.

Sugawara peeked in, holding a warm drink and a bag of cheese crackers. “Hey, Y/n, you left your—why do you look like you saw a ghost?”

You smiled with the terror of someone harboring secrets and rodents. “Nope. Totally normal. Nothing’s happening. No crimes here.”

cheese, the demon, began moving.

You flinched. Suga noticed.

“…Are you okay?” he asked, stepping closer with concern blooming on his face.

cheese, sensing your doom, POPPED OUT OF YOUR COLLAR LIKE A HORROR MOVIE JUMPSCARE.

You screamed.

Suga dropped the crackers.

cheese ran straight up his arm and into his hoodie, like this was just another Tuesday.

A moment of stunned silence passed.

“…So,” Sugawara said, still calm as ever, “Did cheese climb into your shirt while you were—what, pouring your soul out to her again?”

You choked. “YOU KNEW???”

He smiled. “You’ve been monologuing at her like a Shakespearean love-struck gremlin for three days. I thought it was cute.”

He picked up the mouse with practiced ease. “She likes you, you know.”

“Oh, I can tell,” you muttered, face fully on fire. “She cuddled my pancreas.”

Suga laughed softly, brushing a loose strand of hair behind your ear. “She’s got good taste. Just like me.”

Pause.

Your brain: BUFFERING…

“…Wait, are you saying—?”

“I like you, dummy,” he said, grinning. “Why else do you think I keep assigning you mouse duty instead of actual cleaning?”

You gaped.

cheese squeaked like she was tired of carrying this ship alone.

Suga offered the crackers with a wink. “Stay for a snack?”

You nodded, dazed.

YAMAGUCHI TADASHI

You loved Yamaguchi Tadashi.

Not in a chill, “aw he’s sweet” kind of way.

No.

You loved him in a stupid, life-ruining, can’t-breathe-when-he-smiles-at-you kind of way. The kind of way that makes you text your friends “he said good morning i am deceased 💀” and then proceed to overanalyze his tone for four business days.

The problem?

Besides your terminal crush disorder?

His frog.

His beloved, sacred, unholy frog.

Sir Croak-A-Lot.

A slimy, smug-looking little demon that lived in a terrarium in Yamaguchi’s room like it paid rent.

Now, were you scared of frogs?

Terrified.

You once cried in 9th grade because a baby toad jumped near your foot.

You saw Kermit and felt genuine anxiety.

So when Yamaguchi asked if you could feed Sir Croak-A-Lot while he and Tsukki were at a training camp for three days?

You should’ve said no.

You should’ve lied.

You should’ve said you were allergic to amphibians. Or Catholic.

But alas. You said, “Sure! No problem :)” because your love was irrational and so was your judgment.

Cut to now.

You’re standing four feet from the terrarium with a pair of tongs, shaking like you’re disarming a bomb.

Inside, Sir Croak-A-Lot blinked once. Slowly. Menacingly.

“…Hi,” you whispered. “You don’t know me. I don’t know you. Let’s keep it that way.”

He licked his eyeball.

You gagged.

“Listen,” you said shakily. “I only agreed to this because I love your owner. Like. Deeply. He has pretty eyes and a nice laugh and says ‘thank you’ to vending machines. So if you could just not move while I drop this worm in, that’d be great.”

The frog didn’t respond.

You leaned closer, whispering like a therapist. “Do you think he knows? That I like him?”

Sir Croak-A-Lot launched halfway across the tank.

You shrieked.

Fell backward.

And somehow—somehow—knocked over a decorative lamp and landed with your foot stuck under Yamaguchi’s beanbag chair like you were in a live-action episode of FailArmy.

“OH MY GOD,” you gasped. “THIS IS IT. THIS IS HOW I DIE. DEATH BY FROG PANIC.”

And that’s exactly when the front door opened.

“Hey! I’m back early—Tsukki twisted his ankle and—wait, Y/N???”

Yamaguchi dropped his bag at the sight of you lying dramatically on the carpet, tangled in furniture and trauma.

You froze like a raccoon caught raiding the trash.

“…Hi,” you squeaked.

He blinked. “Are you okay?”

“Define okay,” you wheezed. “Do I have frog-related emotional damage? Yes. Did your amphibious son try to murder me via eye lick and surprise launch? Also yes.”

Yamaguchi covered his mouth, but it was too late. He was laughing. Hard.

“You’re scared of him?”

“I’M SCARED OF ANYTHING THAT CAN JUMP WITHOUT WARNING AND LOOKS LIKE A WET THUMB.”

You tried to crawl backward. The frog stared at you. Probably plotting.

Yamaguchi, wiping tears from his eyes, finally helped you up.

“You know,” he said softly, “you could’ve just said no.”

You pouted. “I was trying to be brave. For you.”

He tilted his head. “Why for me?”

And there it was. The moment.

You took a deep breath. “Because I like you. Like. Capital-L Like. And I was trying to prove I could survive Frogageddon to be worthy.”

There was a beat.

Then another.

And then—

“…You like me?”

You nodded, ready to leap out the nearest window.

And then Yamaguchi smiled.

That sweet, surprised, glowing kind of smile that made you want to cry in the good way.

“I like you too,” he said. “Even if you’re scared of Sir Croak-A-Lot.”

You whispered, “Don’t say his name. He can hear you.”

Yamaguchi laughed again, bright and golden.

“Okay, okay,” he said. “Let’s go get ice cream. You’ve earned it.”

You blinked. “What about your frog?”

He smirked. “He’s already heard all your secrets. I think he approves.”

You glared at the terrarium.

Sir Croak-A-Lot blinked.

You swore he was smiling.

KITA SHINSUKE

You were house-sitting for Kita while he was at his grandmother’s for the weekend. Just two days. Easy.

Feed the plants. Water the dog.

Wait, no. Feed the dog. Water the plants. Right.

You sat cross-legged on the tatami floor, staring into the eyes of Maru, his perfectly polite, unbothered Shiba Inu, who sat like a loaf of judgment on the rug.

“So,” you began, cracking open a bag of dog treats like it was a therapy session, “you ever just… fall in love with your best friend and then try to play it cool but everything about them makes you spiral?”

Maru blinked.

Took a treat.

Did not judge.

“You know what I mean, right?” you continued. “Like, his hands? Always clean. Nails trimmed. Washes rice properly. Says ‘thank you’ to cashiers. Pet a cat once and the cat followed him for two blocks.”

You threw your hands up. “I am but a feral raccoon next to his divine, Shiba-like serenity.”

Maru gave a soft "boof" and placed a paw gently on your leg.

“Thank you,” you whispered. “I feel seen.”

You sighed and fell dramatically backwards onto the floor. “He probably doesn’t even know I like him. He probably just thinks I like his dog. Which, like, yes, Maru, you’re perfect—but I would walk barefoot across a LEGO swamp for that man.”

Unbeknownst to you…

Kita Shinsuke was standing at the door.

He had come home early. With dog food. And mochi. And a quiet hope that maybe you’d still be there when he got back.

What he didn’t expect was to walk into a full-blown emotional TED Talk, starring you and his emotionally grounded dog.

He stood frozen for a second. Processing. Emotionally buffering.

And then Maru turned to him. Tail wagged once. Loudly.

You sat up and blinked. “Did—did your dog just betray me?”

Kita cleared his throat gently, holding up the bag of mochi like it could protect him. “I came home early.”

Silence.

Dead silence.

Your soul flew out the window and knocked over three houseplants on the way.

“So,” he said, still calm as ever. “You’d walk across a LEGO swamp for me?”

You choked. “I was having a moment with your dog.”

Kita stepped forward, placed the mochi on the table, and gently sat next to you. Maru climbed into his lap like this was all very normal.

“I like you too,” he said, looking you straight in the eyes with his calm samurai energy. “I was hoping you'd say something. I just didn’t think it would be to Maru.”

“…Your dog is emotionally available,” you whispered, near tears.

Kita smiled softly. “He’s a good listener. But I’m here now.”

You nodded. “Okay. Cool. Casual. Normal.”

Then you fell backwards again.

Flat on the tatami mat.

Kita reached out a hand.

Maru boofed.

The rest was history.

SUNA RINTARO

You didn’t expect to become a ferret mom.

And yet… here you were.

At Suna Rintaro’s apartment. Again. Babysitting Tofu the demon noodle who loved you more than life itself.

“Tofu,” you said flatly, as you tried to pry him out of your hoodie. “Personal space is a concept. Have you considered learning it?”

Tofu squeaked.

And burrowed deeper.

Right between your boobs.

Like it was his God-given right.

You choked. “Tofu, PLEASE—”

He chirped again, did a little death roll (like a dolphin but pervier), and went limp. Fully. Asleep.

Dead center of your chest.

You sat there, frozen, like someone had just shoved a warm tube sock filled with judgment down your shirt.

“Why are you like this?” you whispered. “You don’t even know me like that.”

Except he did.

Because this wasn’t the first time.

Oh no.

The first time was three weeks ago, when Suna left you alone in his room for five minutes, and Tofu took it as a green light to commit chest-based crimes.

Now? It was a routine.

You: *exist*

Tofu: *insert ferret into boob crevice like USB into a port*

You had tried pushing him away.

He bit your pinky and squeaked in betrayal.

You had tried wearing tight shirts.

He dug through the neckhole like a horny mole.

You had tried explaining to Suna that this was technically harassment.

Suna? Had the nerve to smirk and go,

“Damn. Guess he has good taste.”

You wanted to scream.

And now here you were.

Tofu snoring.

You, boob-napped.

And Suna… Suna had just walked back in the room.

With a bag of chips.

And a shit-eating grin.

“Well,” he said, leaning against the doorframe like a man in a shampoo commercial, “should I be jealous?”

You shot him a look. “Control your ferret.”

He snorted. “He’s his own man.”

“He’s IN MY CLEAVAGE.”

“And clearly thriving.”

You flailed, trying to scoop the gremlin out of your hoodie, but Tofu clung tighter, squeaking in protest like you were trying to rip him from his soulmate.

“Rin,” you groaned. “He’s making muffins on my sternum.”

Suna, now sitting beside you, casually popped open the chips and leaned over to look.

Tofu chirped softly in his sleep.

“…Yeah, he’s definitely in love with you,” Suna said, crunching loudly.

“I am NOT about to be second place to your emotionally needy lint roller.”

“Could’ve fooled me,” he replied, eyeing how red your face was. “You let him do that a *lot*.”

“I DIDN’T LET HIM—!!”

He held up a chip like a peace offering. “C’mon. Admit it. You like him.”

“…I like you.”

Silence.

You blinked.

OH NO.

Did you say that OUT LOUD?!

Tofu squeaked.

You squeaked harder.

Suna slowly turned his head, one brow raised.

“…Sorry?” he said, too calm.

You swallowed. “I said. I like you. Not just your ferret. Although he is—um—very warm.”

Tofu chose that moment to roll over and kick his leg out like he was dreaming of tax evasion.

Suna just looked at you.

And then—

“You know,” he muttered, voice lower, almost teasing, “I was gonna wait. Say something later.”

You stared.

“But watching you get dominated by a noodle rodent in HD kind of forced my hand.”

“You’re the worst.”

“Am I?” he smirked. “Or are you just embarrassed your cleavage is his new studio apartment?”

You punched him in the arm.

He laughed.

Then leaned in closer.

“…For the record,” he murmured, voice softer now, “I like you too.”

You smiled. Blushing.

Tofu squeaked again in his sleep.

You sighed. “This is gonna be such a weird love story to explain to our kids.”

MIYA ATSUMU

“HEY, SEXY!”

You screamed.

The bird screamed louder.

It flapped into the air like a flying megaphone, doing loop-de-loops and whistling the Jaws theme song, while you dodged for your life and yelled, “ATSUMU, WHY IS YOUR BIRD CATCALLING ME?!”

From the kitchen, he casually called back, “Oh, yeah, that’s just Cap’n. He likes ya.”

Cap’n, short for Captain Miya, had perched on the curtain rod now, head cocked like a sassy little pirate. He whistled again. Twice.

You narrowed your eyes. “…Did he just do the ‘two whistle flirt’ from TikTok?”

“Yup,” Atsumu grinned, walking in with snacks. “Taught him that m’self.”

You stared at the cockatiel. He winked. HE WINKED.

From then on, every time you came over, Cap’n Miya acted up.

He would land on your shoulder like he owned the place, try to nest in your hair, and once—once!—bit Atsumu on the nose when he tried to sit too close to you on the couch.

“Is your bird jealous of you?” you asked.

Atsumu blinked. “Honestly? I think he wants t’fight me for ya.”

Cap’n screeched from the top of the bookshelf and then proceeded to yell

“BACK OFF! BACK OFF! MINE!!”

Your jaw dropped. “WHAT DID HE JUST SAY?”

Atsumu laughed so hard he dropped his cup noodles.

The problem is… you started talking to Cap’n like he was your therapist.

Like—full sit-down sessions.

“Do you think Atsumu flirts with everyone or just me?”

Cap’n Miya, fluffing up dramatically and turning his head upside down:

“OOOH YOU LIKE HIM~!”

“NO I DON’T.”

STOMP STOMP “LIAR!”

You blinked. “Birds… birds can’t stomp.”

Cap’n literally stomped again.

“WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU.”

Cap’n

“You wanna KISS HIM~!”

You shrieked and ran into the bathroom.

From outside, muffled through the door, you heard:

“KISSY KISSY! MWAH MWAH~”

You clutched your head and whispered to yourself, “Why do I feel like I’m being bullied by a sentient feather duster.”

The final straw was when Atsumu came home early while you were babysitting the bird.

You didn’t know he was there. So you were sitting cross-legged on the floor, nose-to-beak with Captain Miya, whispering like a deranged villain in a Disney spin-off

“Listen here, you feathered narc. If you repeat one more thing about my feelings for your stupid hot owner, I will personally turn you into an overpriced pillow from Etsy.”

“Uhhhh…”

You froze.

That voice did not come from the bird.

You turned your head so slowly, it might’ve cracked your spine.

There stood Atsumu, gym bag half-zipped, one eyebrow raised, towel over his shoulder, hair damp from shower sweat and god probably—

“Did… did ya just threaten t’commit war crimes on my bird?”

You blinked.

Cap’n Miya, little devil that he was, launched himself from the couch, fluttered dramatically into the air like a WWE entrance, and screamed at the top of his lungs:

“SHE LOVES YOUUUU~!!!”

“YOU’RE HOT!!!”

“KISSY KISSY~!!! MWAH MWAH—”

Your soul left your body. Your brain short-circuited. Your dignity? Deceased.

You backed into the corner like a cornered raccoon, muttering, “Okay I can explain—”

But Atsumu didn’t laugh this time.

No. He grinned.

That dangerous, cocky grin that made you regret every time you told yourself he wasn’t your type.

He dropped the gym bag.

Took three steps forward.

You tried to speak— “I– okay– I– it’s not—” But he cut you off by gently moving your hand off the bird, brushing your cheek with his knuckles, and leaning in close enough that you could smell the orange Gatorade on his breath.

“Shoulda told me sooner,” he whispered. Then—

He kissed you.

Right there. Soft. Warm. Just a little bit smug.

Captain Miya exploded into a cacophony of squawks and whistles like a drunk DJ mashing buttons in excitement.

“WOOOOOOOOO~!!” “Y/N’S GOT A BOYFRIEND! Y/N’S GOT A BOYFRIEND!”

You groaned into Atsumu’s chest. “Can we put him in bird jail now.”

Atsumu laughed. “Nah, babe, I owe him one. He’s the best wingman I ever had.”

The bird fluffed up, preened himself proudly, and screamed:

“YOU’RE WELCOME, LOSERS!!!”

MIYA OSAMU

You didn’t think Osamu would leave you alone with his cat.

But he did.

Bold of him, honestly.

You’d dropped by to bring him lunch at his onigiri shop, only for him to shove his keys into your hand with a casual “Can ya check on Tuna? He gets cranky if he misses his 3PM nap snack.”

And now here you were.

Sprawled on Osamu’s couch.

With a large, judgmental, biscuit-making cat rhythmically kneading your chest like it owed him money.

“Dude,” you muttered, glancing down at the fluffy orange menace. “That is not sourdough. Chill.”

Tuna, the certified loaf, just stared up at you with his half-lidded judgmental eyes and kept kneading.

Right on your boobs. Unbothered. Unapologetic. Purring like a damn engine.

You were frozen. This was NOT what you signed up for when you agreed to babysit a “sleepy little guy.”

“I’m gonna start charging rent,” you warned, hand hovering above his head. “You’re getting way too comfy on my chest. That’s premium real estate.”

Tuna blinked slowly. Then—

Touched your lips.

One soft paw.

Boop.

You went still. He went still.

“Bro,” you whispered. “You did not just—”

Then the paw slipped.

Just a little.

Just enough that one single toe bean dipped into your mouth.

You GAGGED.

You sat straight up, flailing, almost throwing the cat off the couch in the chaos.

“WHY. WHY DID YOU PUT YOUR PAW IN MY MOUTH?! ARE YOU OKAY?? AM I OKAY?? ARE WE DATING NOW???”

Tuna just looked at you.

Still on your chest. Still purring. Like he knew.

Like he’d seen things.

Like he was about to ruin your life with one meow.

And that was when Osamu walked in.

Bag of groceries in one hand. Keys in the other. Stopped dead in the doorway.

Tuna blinked.

Then turned to Osamu and let out the longest meow you’d ever heard. Like he was filing a report.

“...What’s goin’ on here?” Osamu asked slowly, eyes narrowing.

You sat there, hand mid-air, cat still ON YOUR CHEST, guilty as hell, toe bean residue probably still on your tongue, and said:

“…This is not what it looks like.”

Osamu blinked once.

Twice.

Then he smirked—smirked.

“Y’let Tuna put his paw in yer mouth, and I’m the one who gets flirty accusations?”

You spluttered. “It was involuntary mouth-to-paw contact!”

“Oh, sure,” he said, setting the bag down, strolling toward you. “Next thing I know, ya tell me ya kissed him goodnight and shared a milkshake.”

“Tuna’s a menace,” you whispered, as Tuna began biscuit-making again on your chest like a smug fluffy dictator.

“Yeah, well,” Osamu said, now inches from you. “You’re the one lettin’ him feel you up.”

You glared. “That’s it. Both of you are getting neutered.”

Tuna yawned.

Osamu just laughed and leaned down, brushing your cheek with his lips. “You’re cute when you’re panicked.”

“Don’t. Encourage. The cat.”

Brrrrt, Tuna purred, snuggling deeper into your chest.

This was HIS spot now.

ARAN OJIRO

“Just a few hours,” Aran had said, tossing you Sunny’s leash with a lazy grin. “He’s super chill. Loves cuddles, snacks, and sunbathing on the floor. You’ll be fine.”

You believed him.

Because Aran always said things like that — smooth, casual, confident — with that deep voice and warm smile that made you want to believe everything was gonna be okay.

But everything was not okay.

You lasted exactly 3.5 minutes before you realized you were babysitting a golden retriever version of a frat boy.

Sunny — fluffy, golden, tail wagging at light speed — greeted you by jumping straight into your arms like a literal missile, smothering your face in wet, overly enthusiastic kisses. He then proceeded to run full-speed into a wall, bounce off, and happily bring you one of Aran’s used gym socks like it was the crown jewels.

“...You’re insane,” you told him.

He barked once. Proudly.

_

You tried to calm him down. You really tried.

You gave him treats. He swallowed them whole.

You played fetch. He brought back a shoe from someone else’s doorstep.

You gave him water. He drank it… then sneezed directly into your mouth.

“Jesus Christ, Sunny—can you please chill?!”

Sunny did not chill.

No. Instead, when you bent over to pick up the sock he left under the coffee table, you felt it.That terrible pressure.

That cursed THUMP-THUMP rhythm on your leg.

You froze. Time stopped. The room fell silent. Eye twitched.

“…No. No no no no—”

You turned your head.

AND HE WAS DOING IT.

Sunny. HUMPING. YOUR. LEG.

Like it was the love of his life and this was the final scene of The Notebook.

“OH MY GOD—STOPPPPPP!”

You shook your leg. He held on tighter.

You screamed. He wagged his tail *faster*.

“ARANNNNNNN!!!”

Aran strolled in with a plate of sliced mango like he was walking out of a damn cooking show. “Everything alri—HOLY SHIT—SUNNY!! DOWN”

Sunny paused… and let out the most sinful, unholy moan you've ever heard in your life.

“HE MOANED. ARAN, YOUR DOG JUST MOANED.”

“He’s… expressive,” Aran offered weakly.

“He is horny, Ojiro.”

“I—I didn’t think he’d do this to you.”

“Why?! Because I don’t have a leg worth humping?”

“NO—wait, what? Noooo, baby girl—your leg is prime—wait, no, shit, I didn’t mean it like that—”

While Aran was busy fumbling over his words and dying from secondhand embarrassment, Sunny had the audacity to plop his butt on the floor, tongue out, tail wagging, as if to say “Round 2?”

You glared at him. “You’re going to dog jail.”

---

Later, once you’d locked Sunny in the bathroom for some *alone time* and Aran had recovered enough to look you in the eye again, you sat beside him on the couch, both slightly traumatized.

“…He really likes you,” Aran mumbled.

You side-eyed him. “If your version of like involves my thigh being emotionally and physically violated, I’m good.”

Aran chuckled, rubbing his hand down his face. “I’m sorry. He’s never like this. I swear.”

You crossed your arms, fake-pouting. “And yet I’ve become the object of his lust.”

He bit back a grin, leaning a little closer. “He’s got good taste.”

You blinked. “…Are you flirting with me while your dog is humping the air behind the door?”

Aran glanced at the bathroom. “He’s just… excited for us. He ships it.”

You snorted. “I hate you.”

“You don’t,” he grinned.

You didn’t.

USHIJIMA WAKATOSHI

You were babysitting **TonTon**, Ushijima Wakatoshi’s beloved pet tortoise, while he was out at volleyball practice.

Yes. A tortoise.

He had texted you instructions like "feed him at 4 PM" and "make sure he doesn’t try to climb the stairs." Which, okay, fair, but also why did TonTon have a vibe like he would climb the stairs out of pure spite?

So now you were sitting on Ushijima’s floor, mid-spiral, holding a leaf of lettuce like it was a mic and TonTon was your therapist.

“Okay, listen, TonTon,” you said solemnly, watching the tortoise blink in that ancient, judgmental way. “I know you probably don't care, but I have to say it somewhere or I’ll explode and end up in jail for stealing this man’s hoodie.”

TonTon chewed slowly. Menacingly.

“I have a crush on your dad.”

Pause.

You immediately winced. “Wait, no—not your dad. Your owner. Not that he’s a daddy—oh my god what am I saying?”

You laid flat on the floor. TonTon just kept chewing like the elderly soul he was, showing zero mercy.

“I mean, look at him, TonTon,” you sighed dramatically, lettuce still in hand. “He’s calm. Grounded. Looks like he could crush someone emotionally and physically. And that one time he said my name during roll call? I had to sit down. Sit. Down.”

You fed TonTon another piece of lettuce like you were bribing him to forget everything.

“I’m losing it,” you mumbled. “Your dad—I mean, Ushijima—touched my shoulder once and I accidentally said ‘thank you’ like he handed me money.”

TonTon moved exactly one inch closer.

You stared at him, horrified. “Are you approaching me with judgment?”

Just then.

The door opened.

There he was. Ushijima. Home early. Towering. Holding a bag of lettuce like some divine, stoic salad god.

You and TonTon locked eyes like two criminals caught red-handed in the middle of a crime scene.

“I forgot my water bottle,” Ushijima said calmly. Then.. “Did you just say you have a crush on me?”

You considered becoming a tortoise. Right then and there. Crawling into a shell and disappearing for eternity.

“I—uh—no?” you squeaked.

TonTon chose violence and let out a crunchy CHOMP of betrayal.

Ushijima blinked. “TonTon only eats when he’s calm. He seems very calm.”

You were dying. Dying inside. “He’s… uh… really emotionally stable.”

“I know,” Ushijima said, now kneeling down to give TonTon a little pat. “Just like you.”

Your brain blue-screened.

“…Me?” you squeaked.

“Yes,” he said seriously. “You’re calm. Like a warm day. Sometimes unpredictable. But grounded. I like that.”

TonTon looked smug.

You looked like a ghost.

“I have to go,” Ushijima said, rising. “But… we can talk later. If you want.”

You nodded. Speechless.

As the door shut behind him again, you turned to TonTon.

“Snitch.”

TonTon blinked. Took another bite of lettuce.

TENDO SATORI

You were once a self-respecting human being.

Then you met Monty.

Monty the albino corn snake. Monty the slither noodle. Monty, who lived in a bougie glass tank in Tendo Satori’s room, complete with heat lamps, fake leaves, and a decorative log that looked suspiciously judgmental.

You hadn’t planned on trauma-dumping your entire romantic dilemma to a reptile. But here you were. Again. Sitting cross-legged on Tendo’s floor, babysitting Monty while Tendo ran to get snacks. And Monty was just staring. Unblinking. All-knowing.

“You know,” you said casually, resting your chin in your palm. “I feel like I’m losing it.”

Monty slithered halfway out of his log. A subtle movement. A threat.

“Don’t give me that look,” you said, narrowing your eyes. “You’re not better than me just because you don’t pay taxes.”

Monty flicked his tongue.

You scoffed. “Okay, that was uncalled for.”

There was silence. The kind of silence that made you self-reflect.

“…Fine. I might like Tendo. A little. Like, an appropriate amount. Maybe. It’s not like I doodled our initials on my math notes or anything—” You paused. “Okay, I did. But just once.”

Monty moved closer to the glass.

You glared at him. “Do you have something to say? Huh? You wanna fight me, snakeboy?”

Monty tilted his head.

“Oh my god, you’re judging me.”

Monty stared deeper.

You broke.

“FINE! I think he’s cool, okay?! With his stupid long legs and his weird laugh and the way he remembers everyone’s birthdays even though no one asked?? And he makes the best popcorn and he lets me pick the movies even though I always choose psychological thrillers that mess us both up emotionally???”

Monty flicked his tongue again. A soundless “uh-huh.”

You sighed, lying flat on the floor in defeat. “He has no idea. I am a vault. A secret-holding fortress. A professional actor.”

Monty slithered into his water bowl and just stared at you through the water like a ghost from a horror movie.

“…Okay, you know what? That’s fair.”

The door opened.

You flinched and sat up so fast your spine cracked like bubble wrap.

Tendo peeked in, holding two bags of chips and a bottle of soda. “You two bonding again?”

You panicked. “WHO’S BONDING? I DON’T EVEN KNOW THIS SNAKE.”

Tendo blinked. “You literally named him ‘Monty Python’ last week.”

You froze. “I—Right. Yeah. Sorry. Just… rehearsing.”

“…Rehearsing?”

“For a play. Called *‘Snake Secrets and Stupid Feelings.’* It’s experimental.”

Tendo chuckled and walked in, setting the snacks down beside you. “You’re weird.”

You shrugged, still flustered. “Takes one to know one.”

He looked at you for a beat, and then… smiled. The soft kind. Not the chaotic grin. Not the teasing smirk. The kind that made your stomach do a full Olympic gymnastics routine.

“You know Monty likes you, right?” he said, sitting beside you.

You snorted. “What, did he text you or something?”

Tendo shrugged. “Sort of. He only comes out of his log when you talk. Usually he ignores people. Including me.”

You blinked. “Wait. He’s listening?!”

Tendo grinned. “Oh yeah. He knows everything.”

Monty slowly curled into a spiral. Very smug. Very I told you so.

You turned back to Tendou. “Does Monty also know I like you?”

Tendo’s eyes sparkled. “I did.”

“W-What?”

He leaned closer. “Monty’s been telling me everything.”

You pointed at the tank. “You’re telling me you’ve been using your snake as an emotional surveillance device?!”

Tendo laughed so hard he nearly dropped the chips. “You’re just mad he exposed you.”

You stood up dramatically. “I CAN’T BELIEVE I CONFESSED TO A COLD-BLOODED BETRAYER.”

Tendou grabbed your wrist gently and pulled you back down. “If it helps… Monty also told me I should make a move.”

You stared. “What kind of psychic snake is he?!”

Tendou leaned in. “The kind that gets you a date.”

Monty blinked. One. Slow. Judgy. Blink.

And honestly?

Respect.

AKAASHI KEIJI

Akaashi said he’d only be gone ten minutes.

Ten minutes to grab new ink refills and a croissant. Totally harmless. Totally innocent.

Except for the part where he left you alone in his apartment.

With Shigure.

His floppy-eared menace of a rabbit. Who blinked like a disappointed grandma and stomped like an angry roommate whenever you dared to lie in his sacred presence.

You sat on the floor, legs criss-crossed, glaring at the bunny who was currently chewing hay like he knew your whole emotional backstory.

“Okay, so maybe I used to like Akaashi,” you whispered like it was a crime. “But that was, like, two crushes ago. Old news.”

THUMP.

Shigure’s foot hit the floor like a gavel. You flinched.

“I’m serious! It’s just—he’s too polite. Too soft-spoken. Like a sexy ghost librarian. I don’t even like that type anymore.”

THUMP.

“…Okay fine, maybe I still think about his hands when I can’t sleep—”

THUMP. THUMP.

“SHIGURE, I’M LITERALLY BEGGING YOU TO STOP JUDGING ME.”

The rabbit paused. Tilted his fluffy head. Judgmental silence.

You groaned and collapsed backward on the carpet.

“It’s not my fault, okay? He always smells like fresh paper and morally sound decisions. He writes poetry for fun. I found a haiku about tea in his notebook once and I haven’t known peace since.”

Shigure hopped over and sat on your chest like he was claiming your sins.

“You don’t understand,” you continued, eyes wild now. “Yesterday he adjusted his glasses and I blacked out. I looked up and suddenly I had seventeen wedding boards on Pinterest—”

“...Should I be concerned?”

You froze.

Your soul left your body.

Akaashi was standing in the doorway. Holding a small paper bag. And his wallet. And the knowledge that you were a walking, talking, simping disaster.

“I forgot my—” he paused, eyes scanning the scene: you on the floor, his rabbit pinning you down like a fluffy demon, and the look of spiritual regret on your face.

“…what did I walk in on?”

Shigure hopped off you with the grace of a betrayer. Akaashi raised one brow.

“I—I—was—” you sat up, brain buffering, “talking to your rabbit. Like a normal person.”

“Mm,” Akaashi nodded slowly. “Normal people confess how much they love my hands… to my rabbit.”

You slapped your hands over your face. “Please delete me.”

“Can’t,” he said, too calmly. “You’re my favorite file.”

THUMP.

Shigure stomped again. Probably in approval.

You considered throwing yourself out the window. But then Akaashi walked over and offered you a second croissant.

You blinked. “You brought me food?”

“Well,” he said, smiling ever-so-slightly, “it seemed you were having a dramatic meltdown in my absence. I thought carbs might help.”

The bunny sat between you two.

Like a chaperone. Or a smug wingman.

You both pretended not to be flustered. Shigure knew better.

BOKUTO KOUTARO

Bokuto was out buying mango slices.

Why? Because Mango, his actual lovebird, threw a tantrum when he ran out yesterday. Screamed bloody murder. Flung seed. Launched herself off the curtain rod in dramatic betrayal. Bokuto nearly cried from guilt.

So now he was out.

Which left you… Alone. In his room. With Mango.

Who was currently clinging to your shirt like her tiny bird life depended on it.

You poked her gently. “I know you can’t talk. But we need to have a conversation about boundaries.”

Mango squawked. Then shoved her beak under your chin like, Affection now, clown.

You sighed, carefully scratching the top of her head. “This is all your fault. You and your bird dad. With his ridiculous arms and his sparkly eyes and the fact that he smells like coconut and competence—like who let him DO that?”

Mango, uninterested in your emotional spiral, was now climbing up your sleeve like a parrot ninja.

You continued, helpless, “He’s always like, ‘Heeeeyyyy~ Y/N!’ like he doesn’t know that I need five to ten business days to recover. He complimented my shoelaces yesterday. Shoelaces. I thought about it for four hours.”

Mango screamed.

Not just any scream. A direct, judgmental shriek. Bird-language for: “OH MY GOD GET A GRIP.”

“DON’T JUDGE ME,” you hissed. “YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE.”

Mango took off. FLYING. Circling the room like a feathery drone of chaos, knocking over a water bottle, a sock, and what might have been a protein bar. She landed dramatically on Bokuto’s desk, fluffed up like a warlord, and made direct, soul-piercing eye contact.

Then she STOMPED.

Yes. STOMPED.

A tiny lovebird foot came down in what can only be described as pure condemnation.

“EXCUSE ME???” you shouted. “Did you just… JUDGE-STOMP?”

She stomped again. Then leapt into the air and did what can only be described as an aerial backflip, landed on your head, and BURIED HER WHOLE FACE IN YOUR HAIR.

You screamed.

She screamed.

It was a duet of horror and mutual betrayal.

“I AM NOT IN LOVE,” you shrieked at her. “YOU’RE JUST TOO CUTE AND YOUR DAD IS TOO LOUD AND HOT, THAT’S NOT THE SAME THING.”

Mango flopped over dramatically on your head like a Disney princess fainting on a balcony.

You were about to start a full-on debate with this bird when the door opened.

“Hey, I’m back! They had the good mangoes—” Bokuto stopped. Stared. At you. On the floor. Hair fluffed. Face red. With his lovebird currently nuzzling your cheek like she’d claimed you in a sacred mating ritual.

You froze. He blinked.

Then…

“…She likes you more than she likes me,” he said, grinning.

“I don’t know what happened,” you whispered, internally sobbing. “She screamed. I screamed. There was stomping.”

Bokuto crossed the room in two long strides and offered you his hand, eyes crinkled with amusement. “She only does that when she’s really comfortable. Or when she senses crush energy.”

You took his hand in defeat. “Crush energy isn’t real.”

Mango screeched from your shoulder.

Bokuto: “That was her saying ‘liar.’”

You: “I hate this household.”

Bokuto: “So when’s the wedding? I’ll let her be the ring bearer.”

You: considering becoming a nun

IWAIZUMI HAJIME

You were once a normal person.

That was before Iwaizumi Hajime’s bearded dragon entered your life like a scaly, sunlamp-worshipping therapist with side-eyes sharper than a knife set.

You didn’t intend to talk to the reptile. But here you were. Again. Sitting on Iwaizumi’s couch while he ran to the pet shop for “crickets and calcium powder,” whatever that meant, and you were left with Spike — his little dinosaur son who blinked once every two business days and looked at you like you weren’t good enough for his dad.

“Okay, look,” you muttered, leaning forward on the couch, staring into his soulless yellow lizard eyes. “I know we don’t talk often, but I need to get this off my chest.”

Spike just stood there, basking under his heat lamp like the sun god he thought he was.

You sighed. “Do you think he likes me?”

Nothing.

You scooted a little closer. “Because like… he lets me sit in his spot on the couch. You know the one. The little dent where his butt lives.”

Spike did a very slow blink.

“That’s boyfriend behavior, right?”

Silence.

“Okay, maybe not. But he also gave me one of his hoodies once. Said it smelled like ‘gym and regret’ but I didn’t mind. I wore it for three days straight. Is that love?”

Spike turned his head just slightly to the left.

You gasped. “So it’s NOT love?! Are you telling me I’m delusional?!”

Spike raised one claw and rested it on his rock.

“…Don’t you dare judge me, scaly god. You don’t even pay rent.”

At that, Spike opened his mouth. Not a hiss. Not a squeak. Just an empty void of judgment.

You stood up. “You know what? No. I’m tired of living in fear of you. You’re not better than me. You eat bugs for breakfast.”

Spike moved an inch.

You flinched.

“...Okay. I didn’t mean that. You’re a very respectable reptile. Please don’t curse me.”

Spike turned away like you were beneath him.

You sat back down, defeated. “Fine. Maybe I’m projecting. Maybe I do like Iwaizumi. Maybe I imagine what our kids would look like. They’d be ripped and have moral integrity. That’s terrifying but beautiful.”

Spike looked back at you.

“…You’ve known this whole time, haven’t you?”

The door opened.

You jumped like you got caught cheating on a math test.

Iwaizumi walked in, holding a bag of groceries and one suspiciously specific bouquet of your favorite flowers. “Hey,” he said, walking over. “You good? Look like you saw a ghost.”

You laughed nervously. “Haha, no, not at all, I was just talking to Spike about taxes.”

Iwaizumi paused. “You… were talking to my lizard about taxes.”

“Yup. GDP. Inflation. The whole shebang.”

He raised an eyebrow, glancing at Spike. “You told her, didn’t you?”

You blinked. “Told me what?”

Iwaizumi walked over, leaned down… and pressed the flowers into your hands. “That I like you.”

Silence.

Spike crawled onto his basking rock and nodded.

YOU SAW HIM NOD.

“WHAT IN THE DISNEY PIXAR—” you screamed, nearly throwing the flowers and falling off the couch.

Iwaizumi caught you with one arm, totally casual. “Told you he liked you. He doesn’t nod for just anyone.”

You looked between Iwaizumi and his judgmental dragon. “So you’re telling me… I confessed my situationship brain rot to a magical, semi-psychic bearded lizard… and he’s been your wingman this whole time?”

Spike licked his own eyeball.

“…Okay that’s fair.”

Iwaizumi chuckled. “So… dinner? I made yakisoba.”

“Also...you talk to Spike about me?!”

“Every Thursday.”

You blinked. “That’s unhinged.”

Iwaizumi smirked. “So are you.”

OIKAWA TOORU

You swore you weren’t scared of dogs.

But this—this was not a dog.

This was a 4-pound puff of chaos with beady eyes, trust issues, and an attitude worse than your ex.

Her name? Princess.

Her mission? Terrorize anyone who gets too close to Oikawa Tooru.

Her target? You. Always. Without mercy.

You were currently sitting on Oikawa’s couch, legs tucked neatly under you like someone preparing for a war crime, as Princess sat just one cushion away — staring you down like she knew your deepest sins.

She barked once.

Just one.

Loud. Piercing. Condescending.

“Stop judging me,” you muttered, glaring at her. “I haven’t even touched him.”

Princess growled softly, like she knew that was a lie.

You crossed your arms. “I mean—okay. Maybe I look at him. Occasionally. With longing. But like, who doesn’t?”

Princess blinked. You were pretty sure it was sarcastic.

You scooted an inch away. She scooted an inch closer.

“Oh my god,” you whispered. “He trained you to hate me, didn’t he?”

She barked again, and you could feel the judgment radiating from her tiny, furry soul.

“Alright, fine! I like him, okay? Happy now? I like your stupid perfect owner with his stupid perfect face and his stupid little hair flips and his STUPID little wink when he wins at Mario Kart even though he’s CHEATING—”

“Is she threatening you again?” came a familiar voice from the hallway.

You froze.

Oikawa casually walked into the living room, holding a bowl of popcorn and two sodas. He raised an eyebrow as he caught the tail end of your emotional meltdown.

“Wait, back up,” he said slowly, placing the snacks down. “Did you just call me perfect?”

You blinked. “...No?”

Princess barked so violently she fell off the couch.

Oikawa laughed. “Wow, sold out by a dog. That’s rough.”

“She’s a traitor!” you yelled. “I’ve done nothing but feed her organic duck jerky and talk about how fluffy she is and she BETRAYED ME.”

He shrugged and plopped down beside you, grinning like a man who had just won an emotional lottery. “Well, I mean, Princess has high standards. She hates everyone. You should feel honored.”

You pointed at the tiny beast, now curled on your leg like she hadn’t just tried to destroy your life. “She literally growled at me when I complimented your volleyball highlight reel.”

“She has taste.”

“She BIT ME WHEN I SAID I LIKE YOUR SMILE.”

“She’s a wingdog,” Oikawa said smoothly. “And she’s working overtime.”

You opened your mouth to respond, but paused.

“…Wait. You knew?”

He smirked. “You confessed to my dog, Y/n. Loudly. For three separate visits in a row.”

“She doesn’t speak English!!”

He leaned closer. “But I do.”

You panicked. “Forget everything you just heard—”

“I like you too.”

Silence.

You and Princess both turned to him.

“…You do?” you whispered.

He nodded. “Duh. But I had to make sure *my daughter* approved.”

Princess barked once.

Oikawa scratched her chin. “She says yes. But also that you need to stop lying about my Mario Kart skills.”

You gasped. “YOU’RE STILL A CHEATER.”

He shrugged. “I cheat with style.”

Princess barked in agreement.

You stared at the two of them — a beautiful, chaotic man and his demon dog daughter.

And for some reason?

You felt home.

KYOTANI KENTARO

The first thing you noticed was the size.

Kyōtani’s rottweiler, Kiba, was less of a dog and more of a small horse. Muscles like a linebacker. A jaw like a bear trap. Eyes that said, “I’ve done some things. And I’d do them again.”

You stood at the door, holding the leash Kyōtani had just handed you, heart pounding.

“You sure he’s friendly?” you asked, eyeing Kiba, who was staring at you like you were either prey or his new mom.

Kyōtani blinked, utterly unbothered. “Yeah. He likes you.”

You raised an eyebrow. “He’s growling.”

“That’s his love language.”

Kiba, beside him, let out a low rumbly *gruff*… and licked his lips.

You swallowed. “…Okay.”

---

To be fair, Kiba didn’t attack you.

Nope. What he did instead?

Stalk you.

Everywhere.

Like a tank-sized shadow with a possessive streak.

You went to the kitchen? Click-clack — he followed.

Sat on the couch? Whomp — his head was on your lap.

Went to the bathroom? Scratch-scratch-scratch — your personal bouncer was outside the door like, “You good in there, princess?”

It was cute, in an I’m-a-little-afraid-he’ll-eat-me kind of way.

You peeked out of the hallway. “Kentarō… your dog keeps watching me like he wants to marry me or maul me. Or both.”

Kyōtani, lounging shirtless on the floor doing pushups (because of course he was), just shrugged. “He’s protective.”

“…So is he gonna let me leave? Or nah?”

“Nope,” Kyōtani said without looking up. “You live here now.”

---

Later that night, you tried to chill on the couch and maybe binge some trash TV.

Kiba climbed up beside you like he paid rent.

Then, without warning, he planted his whole body on your lap, head under your chin, grumbling and nuzzling. Like, “Pet me. Praise me. I own you.”

You glanced at Kyōtani.

“He’s… affectionate,” you said slowly, patting Kiba awkwardly as he snorted against your chest.

Kyōtani looked up from his phone, watching the two of you with that unreadable face of his — and then… smirked. Just a tiny one. Dangerous.

“He doesn’t do that with anyone else.”

“…Oh.”

Then, Kiba did something terrible.

He made a noise — like a low, dramatic sigh — and gently shoved his entire snout between your thighs.

“KYŌTANI.”

“I saw nothing.”

“YOUR DOG JUST WENT FACE-FIRST INTO THE TRIANGLE OF SIN—”

“He’s just sniffin’.”

“SNIFFING WHAT—THE MEANING OF LIFE?!”

You tried to push Kiba back, but he just grumbled, adjusted, and fell asleep with his whole body weighing down your legs and his chin casually resting on your upper thigh like it was a goddamn pillow.

“Great,” you muttered. “He’s crushing my femurs. I’m never walking again.”

Kyōtani got up, walked over, leaned down—and gave your cheek a light kiss.

You blinked. “What was that for?”

He shrugged. “Kiba claimed you. So I’m claiming you back.”

You stared at him, brain rebooting.

Kiba let out a satisfied grunt in his sleep.

And from that moment on, you weren’t sure who was scarier

Kyōtani, his jealous rottweiler, or how much you liked both.

SAKUSA KIYOOMI

You were terrified the first time Sakusa introduced you to his cat.

No fur. All wrinkles. Piercing, judgy stare.

It was like meeting the ghost of a rich widow’s ex-husband who died under *mysterious circumstances*.

“This is Hairball, ironic, I know ” Sakusa had said, like the creature hadn’t just hissed at you from its silk blanket throne.

That was six months ago.

Now?

Now you were at Sakusa’s apartment, laid back on his couch in a hoodie and shorts, with a completely naked, wrinkled, and slightly moist sphynx cat draped across your chest like a dramatic scarf.

Hairball, the emotionally unstable hairless gremlin, was aggressively purring—because you were giving him little chin scratches and whispering sweet nothings like

“Don’t worry, baby. I’d never let Omi cut your nailbeds too short again. That was emotional damage.”

Hairball purred louder, his alien-looking body vibrating like an angry cell phone. You were his safe space now. His chosen.

“Yeah, yeah. I know you hate that lavender shampoo. It makes you smell like a haunted grandma. I said go for the cucumber melon one, but did Omi listen? Nooooo—”

“Excuse me?”

You yelped—literally yelped—and whipped around.

Sakusa stood in the hallway with two mugs of tea and a very flat expression.

You hadn’t even heard him come in.

He looked at you.

Then at Hairball.

Then back at you, still pinned by a naked cat whose eyes were smug now.

“…Are you gossiping with my cat?” Sakusa asked, eyes narrowing suspiciously.

You immediately panicked. “NO. No. I was just—ventilating. Verbally. It’s a self-soothing technique. Therapists recommend it.”

Hairball looked Sakusa dead in the eyes and let out a single, long hiss.

Then licked your cheek.

Sakusa blinked. “Did you just get kissed before me. By my cat.”

“I—I didn’t ask for it!” you squeaked.

“Is that why you’re stroking his little gremlin belly and calling him your precious wart baby?”

Your jaw dropped. “I didn’t call him—!!”

“Oh, you did,” Sakusa said flatly, walking over and setting the mugs down.

Hairball stretched across you like the most dramatic runway model alive, paw smacking your boob like he paid rent there.

Sakusa stared.

“You’ve officially become the only person he lets touch him,” he muttered, almost bitterly.

You blinked. “Wait. Really?”

He narrowed his eyes. “He bit my aunt. Twice. He refuses to sleep next to me unless I put a heated towel down first. But you—he lets you stick your face in his belly folds and call him ‘my little wrinkly ass wart.’”

You coughed, trying not to laugh. “You heard that?”

Sakusa just gave you a look.

“You’re jealous,” you accused, grinning.

“I am not jealous of a cat.”

Hairball sneezed in Sakusa’s direction.

“...Okay, maybe a little,” he muttered.

You patted the space beside you. “Come cuddle with us, Omi.”

“No.”

“You can be the big spoon.”

“No.”

“You can be the little spoon.”

“I’m going to burn that hoodie if it smells like cat.”

Hairball meowed sweetly and patted your cheek with a wrinkly paw.

You smirked. “You’re just mad he got to second base before you.”

Sakusa blinked slowly.

Then sighed.

“…You’re both annoying.”

But five minutes later, guess who joined you on the couch with a clean towel so hairball wouldn't touch him directly?

Damn right.

KUROO TETSURO

Being roommates with Kuroo Tetsuro wasn’t bad.

Sure, he left hair gel on the sink and his dirty socks migrated to places no socks should be — like the microwave. But otherwise? Chill dude. Paid bills on time. Didn’t hog the bathroom. Made bomb curry.

And he had a cat.

A sleek, smug black cat named Tetsu who was, quite literally, his twin in feline form: sharp eyes, mysterious vibes, and a talent for making people feel like they were the pet.

Y/n didn’t mind him. Until this day.

“Kuroo,” she called from the kitchen, already regretting everything. “Your little demon just knocked over the tampon box again. WHY is that his favorite toy?!”

From his room: “He respects your womanhood.”

“HE ATE A PANTY LINER.”

“Okay. Disrespectful.”

She groaned, then froze as she spotted something.

Oh no.

Laundry basket. Top layer. Lacy underwear.

Tetsu was staring at it.

“No. Nope. Don’t even think abou—HEY!”

Too late.

He lunged like a perverted shadow gremlin, grabbed a black lace thong like it was the last Horcrux, and bolted under the couch with a speed that could shame Olympic sprinters.

“TETSU. GIVE. IT. BACK!”

Cue Y/n on her knees, arm deep under the couch, bargaining with a feline underwear thief while waving a piece of rotisserie chicken like a hostage negotiator.

She got it back.

But at what cost?

Later, she collapsed dramatically on the couch, flinging an arm over her eyes. Tetsu, satisfied with the chaos he’d unleashed, hopped onto her chest like he owned the lease.

“Yeah, yeah. Go ahead. Sit on your throne, you fluffy war criminal,” she mumbled.

He purred. Innocently.

Then reached a paw up…

And touched her lips.

“…What.”

Another paw. Gentle. Testing. Then—boop. Toe bean to mouth.

“PPPFFFTTT—TETSU, YOU NASTY—”

She choked, flailing, as the little bastard slid deeper into her cleavage like it was a heated blanket, tucked in with the confidence of a man who paid rent.

“Oh my god—you’re not even subtle. This is harassment.”

Then, just when she thought it couldn’t get worse, she felt a tug.

She looked down.

His tiny claw had hooked her camisole strap and was gently trying to pull it down.

“Are you trying to undress me?! ARE YOU A PEEPING TOM IN A CAT COSTUME?!”

*Tug tug.*

“NO. STOP THAT. YOU CANNOT SEDUCE ME FOR FUNSIES.”

She was too stunned to fight. The camisole shifted slightly, and Tetsu nuzzled closer with a little sigh like this was just a Monday for him.

And that’s when Kuroo walked in.

The door opened mid-camisole-tug, mid-purr.

“Hey, I just got back from the groce—”

He froze.

Y/n. On the couch. Camisole half-yanked down, cheeks red, hair messy.

His cat? Kneading her chest like it was artisanal sourdough.

A long pause.

Kuroo: “...I leave you alone with my son for ten minutes and you let him motorboat you?”

Lea: “I DIDN’T LET HIM—HE TOUCHED MY MOUTH AND STARTED UNDRESSING ME—”

Kuroo: “...Was it mutual?”

“WHAT THE HELL—KUROO, GET YOUR PERVERT CAT OFF MY BOOBS!”

But Kuroo just set down the groceries and laughed so hard he had to lean on the counter.

“He likes you,” he said between wheezes. “He only gets freaky with people he trusts.”

“YOUR CAT VIOLATED ME.”

“That’s how I show trust too.”

“KUROO.”

He just grinned.

AONE TAKANOBU

When Aone said, “You can meet my pig,”

you did not think he meant a literal pig.

Not like…"Haha my dog eats like a pig!"

No.

This was a full-bodied, pink, snorting, cloven-hoofed, emotionally co-dependent mini pig named Yuki.

Mini, as in "not farm size," but absolutely not emotionally mini because this pig?

She loved you.

—

At first it was kind of cute.

Yuki trotted over, sniffed your leg, and immediately collapsed on your foot like,

"This is mine now. I’ve claimed you."

Aone just blinked and nodded.

“That means she trusts you,” he said.

You smiled, thinking,

“Aw. Sweet.”

WRONG.

Yuki was not here for a casual fling.

Yuki was in it for eternity.

You couldn’t sit without her flopping next to you.

You couldn’t walk without her trotting behind you like a shadow.

She screamed—squealed like a banshee—when you went into the kitchen without her.

And the real problem started when you tried to pee.

“Aone,” you whispered, trapped in the bathroom as Yuki oinked aggressively from the other side of the door, “She’s breathing under the crack. I can see her snout.”

You heard his deep, quiet voice from the hallway.

“She doesn’t like closed doors.”

“She’s THUMPING on the door.”

“She thinks you’re trapped.”

“She’s right.”

“I’ll… talk to her.”

But before Aone could come save you—the door opened.

Yuki headbutted her way in like a battering ram.

She trotted in, made DIRECT eye contact, then promptly sat on your foot again.

While you were still peeing.

You wept.

Yuki oinked with satisfaction.

From then on, you had no peace.

Yuki followed you around Aone’s house like a little judgmental ghost, occasionally making low snorting sounds like she was taking notes on your sins.

At one point, you caught her trying to climb onto Aone’s bed after you’d already sat on it.

She flopped between you both and let out a sound that somehow said

“You’re in MY spot.”

Aone just sighed and gave her a gentle pat.

“She’s never like this with anyone else.”

“I feel like I’m being held hostage by Peppa Pig.”

“She likes you.”

“She peed in my shoe.”

“She really likes you.”

But then—

The day came when you had to leave.

You were at the door, hugging Aone goodbye (the best 3-second hug of your life), when you heard a sound from behind:

Yuki.

Staring.

With wide, glistening, dramatic pig eyes.

She let out a long, slow, tragic oink.

You knelt down. “Yuki, I’ll be back tomorrow, I promise—”

And then she…

flopped over. Belly up. Arms out.

Like she had died of heartbreak.

You gasped. “Is she okay?!”

“She’s guilt-tripping you,” Aone said calmly, already holding her treat jar.

You blinked. “So she’s—”

He tossed her a banana chip. Yuki IMMEDIATELY sprang to life and snatched it from mid-air like nothing happened.

You stared at her.

Yuki stared back.

She knew what she was doing

You still came back the next day.

Because you were pretty sure this pig would hunt you down if you didn’t.

AHH GOOD LORD I HAD SO MUCH FUN WRITING THIS DFNTLY ENJOYED ASAHI AND SUNA'S PART