#like I’ll accept the fact that he’s dead by this time but just acknowledge it! | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

mal3vol3nt · 5 months ago

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Hi. You’re probably tired of seeing me dump stuff like this. (I’ll try to make this the last time). But I have to vent to someone. Because I see this one guy, claim to not hate Aang, only to villainize him to a ridiculous extent, acting like he’s unempathetic, forcing Katara to tend to his emotional needs and this user completely downplays Aang’s genocidal trauma. Not to be rude, but how much of a heartless prick do you have to be to invalidate genocide and the trauma it can cause. These fake fans should honestly keep their mouths shut about this show, they clearly don’t understand it.

the southern raiders episode needs to be freed from the zutara fandom i swear. i’m fully convinced they never actually watched that episode cause it literally ends with katara saying she still didn’t forgive yon rha and aang accepting that. he literally says “im proud of you”. it was never her anger at the man that aang disagreed with, it was the action she planned on doing—murder—that he wanted to talk her down from. not for yon rha’s sake, but for her’s. so even though she didn’t forgive him, aang respected that and was able to recognize the strength and validity in her decision. i’m so tired of repeating this rebuttal to this stupid as fuck argument

aang doesn’t force her to do anything in the entire series. katara has her own agency and free will to do as she pleases and not a single character has ever taken that away from her, and the one time where her freedom was threatened (by pakku), she fought for it and ensured she got her way. when yall say aang takes her agency away from her, you’re also ignoring the core traits of katara: her fierceness, her determination, her ability to recognize what’s right for herself, and her sense of justice

she never blindly follows or takes direction from anyone. when aang tried telling her and sokka to stay put while he made the trip to see roku in the fire nation, katara (and sokka) put her foot down and refused to listen. she demanded that they go with him, and he accepted them making that choice for themselves. when sokka tried convincing her to leave after she met up with haru and they had the chance to escape from the fire nation ship, she refused and said she wasn’t abandoning the rest of the earthbenders. her decision was respected by both aang and sokka. in fact, there are so many instances of her making her own decisions regardless of what anyone else says that it would be impossible for me to list them all. she never succumbs to what aang or anyone else wants, and she always makes her genuine thoughts on an important decision known. katara does not need anyone to tell her what to do nor does she allow anyone to tell her what to do. this is the same girl who single handedly changed the “no girls allowed” rule in the northern water tribe after having been told “you can’t do that”. yall think she would let aang walk all over her??? please put some respect on her name

now this may be a controversial take but i don’t care it’s the truth: comparing sokka and katara losing their mom to aang losing his entire culture and people is actually insane and insensitive but not for the reason zutaras think. its because absolutely nothing any other character went through can compare to what aang did, and to diminish his tragedy by saying katara’s trauma surrounding her mom’s death is somehow worse is actual insanity and i need yall to go to prison LMAO

katara did not witness her mom get murdered. that only happened in natla and i refuse to acknowledge that. she ran out of the tent to go tell her dad that a fire nation soldier was with their mom and when she came back, the man was gone and kya was dead. still insanely traumatic, but she was not literally standing there watching as kya burned to death

that’s literally what happened with aang. from his perspective, he had just seen gyatso only a few hours ago. gyatso was alive literally moments ago in his mind and then he was greeted with his decayed skeleton among the bodies of unwelcome fire nation soldiers. just like katara experienced insane whiplash from that heartbreaking change, to see someone alive only to come back to them gone, aang went through roughly the same thing

the only difference is aang didn’t just lose gyatso, he lost all his friends and mentors as well. and he didn’t just lose all his friends and mentors, he lost every single person who looked like him. and he didn’t just lose every single person who looked like him, he lost everyone he had grown close to and seen from the other nations. and he didn’t just lose everyone he had grown close to and seen from the other nations, he lost the animals native to the airbending temples. and he didn’t just lose the animals native to the airbending temples, he lost the native plants as well. and he didn’t just lose the native plants, he lost the structural beauty and integrity of the air temples. and he didn’t just lose the structural beauty and integrity of the air temples, he lost the ability to practice his cultural customs with others. and he didn’t just lose the ability to practice his cultural customs with others, he lost the ability to bend his native element with others. and he didn’t just lose the ability to bend his native element with others, he lost the time to mourn for all that he lost

i’m sorry to those of you who wanna believe your favs have suffered more than anyone else in the series, but none of their tragedies compare to aang’s. and i don’t believe in downplaying what the others went through to support a fandom narrative, but this is literally just me acknowledging the severity of aang’s story. to suggest any one else has gone through more is to be ignorant and nothing anyone can say will ever convince me otherwise

only reason yall think zuko or katara or sokka or toph or azula or whoever the fuck else is more tragic than aang is because all of their traumas are more relatable to the everyday person whereas aang’s is something that most people can’t even comprehend

#and before anyone tries saying ‘but aang still had bumi!’ i need you to quickly block me #cause i don’t need that stupidity interacting with my posts LMAO #/j #atla #avatar the last airbender #aang #aang atla #katara atla #katara #sokka atla #toph #toph beifong #zuko #prince zuko #anti zutara #anti zutara stans #anti zutara fandom

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staycalmandhugaclone · 1 year ago

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I WANNA RANT ABOUT A REOCCURING THEME IN STAR WARS THAT NO ONE’S TALKED ABOUT (that I’ve seen)

I don’t know why this popped into my head, but I’ve been a little feral to do some good screaming about it: can we talk about the number of hugely influential character who’ve made a mistake and kept pursuing that path because they felt like it was too late to change??! Dooku, Anakin (just wait, I’ll get there), Crosshair, hell even Obi Wan.

Dooku’s example of this is painted clearly in the Tales of the Jedi episode when he learns about Qui-Gon. There’s clearly doubt, but by then his ‘son’ has been killed for the goal he’s fighting for and that sacrifice would be pointless if he doesn’t see it through. Anakin doesn’t truly reach this point until his transition to Vader, but there’s a moment beforehand (the “what have I done?”) line, that illustrates it, and then after finding out he “killed” Padme, he believes himself utterly unworthy of redemption, so he becomes a bit of a mindless slave fueled by rage and regret.

And Crosshair… listen, I will fight dirty on this hill. Sure, Crosshair probably gets his chip out after Bracca, but he’d just spent months trying to off his brothers and being forced to do things he never would have without the chip and not once did his brothers openly suspect something was wrong or doubt that he’d do those things, and, of course, we have to mention the moment when he saves Omega and everyone still keeps their guns trained on him at the end of season 1, as has been dissected time and again by countless others, which solidifies his fears of no longer having a place among them. So, he’s alone, unwanted by the only family he’s ever known, and wracked with guilt over the things he’s done. The only place he has left is the Empire because he’s already in too deep.

Obi Wan is more subtle, but his mistakes are with Anakin. He’s overlooked red flag after red flag, and even acknowledges this is some of the books, but he lets things slide time and time again because he’s made exceptions for him in the past. I think he begins subconsciously doubting his right to call Anakin out on those actions because of his own failings, and then everything spirals out of control too quickly for him to even try to fix it.

Hell, this mentality broke Wolffe in Rebels - despite not having his chip, he still clings to a distrust toward Jedi because, if he doesn't, he'd have to come to terms with the fact that he betrayed Plo, which, let's be real: not one of us is emotionally ready for.

The greatest and most painful failings of our beloved characters came about because they didn’t feel like they could, or should, be granted the chance to make things right, either because they couldn’t live with what they’d done so couldn’t consciously accept their actions as a mistake, or because they couldn’t forgive themselves so didn’t think they deserved to even ask anyone else for forgiveness.

With very, very few exceptions, it’s only too late to ask for help when you’re dead. Things may never be the same as before the mistake was made, but that’s still better than continuing to make it worse.

Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk, scroll on next vid’ja

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dallasgallant · 18 days ago

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Ok so it’s @your-unfriendlyghost w/ that goddamn Ao3 comment 🥲

For whatever reason, Ao3 keeps sayin that “We can’t upload your comment because the content is blank” when it like. CLEARLY ISN’T. I dunno what’s going on with that, so I’ll just paste it here 😭

(This is the comment I woulda commented on chapter 2 btw lol)

“Well, twenty-five just makes ya a delinquent… you ain’t a ‘juvenile’ then, man, it don’t got the same ring to it, ya know?” Steve muttered. < Damn, this is SUCH A GOOD LINE. It’s so real, yk? Like I know I personally get swept up in the fantasy of it all- of greasers and JDs and the adrenaline of teen rebellion- but someday (pretty soon now) I’ll grow up. And then it won’t be so fun anymore. For all the lousy stuff that comes with it, it’s fun bein a kid- But when I’m an adult I won’t be a cool rebel for pulling the shit I do now, I’ll just be sort of a loser. I dunno how to process that sometimes. But it’s nice seeing all that confusion put into words as succinctly as you did.

Was that it? Their only two options? Lose your life or your identity? Die young, hard and fast — just like everyone’s waiting for. Or grow up and watch your denim collar turn blue. <Ugh again this is painfully real. You capture the feelings of being a sorta wild teenager so damn well. And the line about denim collars turning blue is so like…poetic too. It’s real and also real pretty, yk?

Steve had never been particularly fond of the idea of aging, but he didn’t want to be a bum like Two-bit or a con like the Brumly boys. He realized when morning came, none of them would mention tonight. Not how it really was. <This is such a sad but significant insight. Both bits are- Steve’s acknowledgement of the fact that the future is coming, and the point that no one would talk about tonight- or at least not the real, raw, tragedy of it. You just don’t DO that, especially not as a group of teenage guys in the 60s, but even nowadays you don’t, least in my groups. And how can you? How can you make sense of that, of seeing something so gruesome and being so helpless…holy hell, I guess what I’m getting at is that this was a real observant point.

Their tears would be buried alongside their friends, and they’d come to accept some twisted narrative that served to make them feel better, instead. That’s what he’d do; make it about justice rather than loss. Feed his anger into some kind of action. He’d always been better with his hands than his words. <man I sound like a broken record here, but this is so real. I don’t like how true this rings. But like I do, yk? And god, it feels like so much of a STEVE thing to think, and a Steve way of saying it. You’ve really nailed his voice.

Anyhow, sorry for takin’ a minute to comment- after ao3 deleted the vast majority of my last one I couldn’t bring myself to type up anything substantial for a bit- but I needed to get it out at some point, because this is such an amazing fic. This bit of commentary just scratches the surface, because there’s so much I love here. Once again, great job.

Ahhhhhhh thank you, I honestly love this so much. Taking the time to point out these little details and things you relate to. It’s djsjsnsms glad people notice this stuff you know?

Not to make you have a comment get deleted on ao3 again but would love to hear chapter 3 thoughts or anything else you want about the fic lol. Love your insight.

—

I get that. I tend to romanticize the rebellious, both teen and adult. Idk maybe it’s because I’ve had a comfortable life and all but there’s also so much to go through and experience.

I’m glad this line is getting attention as I was really excited about being all poetic too! Lol, it seemed like the most expressive way to put it without having to over explain, I can’t even begin to imagine having to grapple with putting up such a distinct identity… though I imagine you’d have to pry the vest from Steve’s cold dead hands but we’re talking metaphorical.

Steve and the brand of masculinity all the guys are seeped in is such a fucking interesting thing to explore. Because there’s simultaneously so much fun with all the “boys will be boys” of it all but also… oh… you don’t know how to feel hard emotions in a healthy way.

Also just Steve has grown on me so much and I think it’s really being in his head and it’s he’s more than the best buddy and he has his place in the friend group. His loyalty and sensitivity may compare him to others in the gang but what’s great about him and them is that there’s other aspects that make even those emotions distinct to them.

#hope it’s ok to publish this as I really wanted to respond!#the outsiders #Steve angst fic #comment

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suzukiblu · 10 months ago

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more black zero please!

“I hope you all know I’ll be holding that against you,” Black Zero informs the Justice League, eyeing them darkly. Assholes. Assholes willing to strap a two year-old clone to an atomic bomb to investigate a threat they didn’t know jack shit about without backup.

He could use a stronger descriptor than “assholes”, actually.

“This isn’t the situation where you get to threaten people,” Superman says, narrowing his eyes at him. Black Zero genuinely debates taking a page from his teenage selves’ books and flipping him off. If Superman wants to talk to him like he’s somehow under the impression that he’s the strongest person in the room, he should, perhaps, remember that Wonder Woman is three feet away from him, and also that Black Zero himself is, again, an upgrade. “This is the part where you give us a reason not to send you to the Phantom Zone.”

Black Zero really should just punch him.

“Well, if you’re going to try me on hearsay, technically I am a minor,” he drawls, raising an eyebrow at Superman. He really did expect someone more impressive. “I’m the exact same age as your ‘Kon-El’, in fact.”

“I mean, give or take a reality,” Superboy says, gesturing awkwardly. “But, uh–yeah. I mean, Black Zero didn’t time-travel or anything, Cadmus just grew him to full-size and then kinda, uh . . . tossed him at Metropolis and told him to just . . . go be Superman. Which did not go well, for the record, so like–I mean, I get the Phantom Zone concerns, but he didn’t start out bad, and, well . . .”

“It did not go well, no,” Black Zero agrees, his lip curling in disdain at the memories. Superman looks unsettled for a moment, then narrows his eyes at him in obvious judgment, like he thinks he has the right.

“You’re a psychological adult,” he says. “You knew better than to do what you’ve done.”

“You stayed dead in my reality,” Black Zero says, wondering what the inside of this idiot’s head must be like. Sunshine and puppies and bullshit, apparently. “Left it all to me. And you don’t know a thing about what I had to do.”

He knows much better, in fact. Better than Superman, who was accepted even as an alien stranger who lied about his name to everyone he met. Everyone in Black Zero’s home reality had known exactly who he was and where he’d come from and what he’d been made for from day one, but they’d never trusted him half as much as their precious original Superman, even before things had started going bad.

Black Zero still finds that ironic, considering. He has human DNA. He had humans he cared about. Specific and visible ones who weren’t just allied superheroes or people who could conveniently spin his existence for the press.

No one could say the same about Superman. Not as far as they knew.

“And you clearly made your choices,” Superman says. Black Zero gives him a flat look, then decides he’s not worth acknowledging any more than he already has and looks back to Superboy.

“I’ve never actually met a Superman before,” he says. “Are they all this fucking sanctimonious?”

“I mean, I’ve gotten some very weird lectures from the guy,” Superboy admits, making a bit of a face. “But he’s not–what the fuck does ‘sanctimonious’ even mean, asshole?”

“It means he thinks he’s morally superior to the rest of the conversation,” Black Zero says. “And that he’s making a point of shoving that ‘fact’ in our faces.”

“He is morally superior to us,” Superboy says in exasperation, scowling up at him again. “He’s Superman! That’s his whole thing!”

“And I’m sure you came to that conclusion completely on your own, and through no outside influence whatsoever,” Black Zero says dryly. “Definitely no ‘very weird lectures’ were involved in the process.”

“Don’t twist my fucking words around!” Superboy snaps indignantly.

“Kon . . .” Superman says, his jaw tightening. Black Zero continues to ignore the spare parts, for obvious reasons.

#anonymous #wip: den mom black zero #long post

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newtonsheffield · 9 months ago

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Oooh will Anthony learn about Violet's reaction? Is he going to talk to her or do the rest of the Bridgertons rally around Kate and Violet, not wanting to lose them, finally accepts her while Anthony's kept in the dark??

Oh I think Anthony knows.

For one there was Kate’s reaction when Anthony said his Mum was going to bring the younger kids to visit him later in the day and she cleared her throat.

“I might um… I’ll go home and get changed then. I’ll give you guys some time.”

Anthony’s brow furrowed, “Don’t you… want to meet them?”

Kate shrugged vaguely, “I have plenty of time for that. Besides I need to shower and I have… I have some stuff I need to do. If I don’t go now Edwina might have turned the small palace into a nightclub.”

“Okay.” Anthony agreed, not wanting to push the matter. She kissed him gently, “You’ll be back later though right?”

“Yeah, I can come back if you still want me to. Just let me know when they’re gone.”

He couldn’t shake the idea that she was having second thoughts. Despite the fact that she’d say hand in hand with him a few hours ago and helped draft a press release detailing a sanitized version of their relationship. One that stated The Palace is delighted at The crown Princess’ happiness

He saw the slightly relieved look on his mother’s face when he said Kate had gone home to change and get something to eat and the minute she left to take the kids for a snack herself Anthony cornered Benedict.

“So what happened with Mum.”

Benedict winced, “Oh my god. I am so glad you aren’t dead. I could not manage having to talk Mum down from being insane constantly! Daphy and I have had to stop her storming the palace and calling for your companion’s head. Why is she your companion by the way, why can’t she just be your girlfriend?”

“Companion is more serious than that.” Anthony said distractedly, the pieces falling into place. “Was she…? Did she say something to Kate?”

Ben grimaced, “She… might have accused Kate of ruining your life.”

Anthony felt sick “For fuck’s sake! No wonder she couldn’t wait to get away!”

“I told Kate that’s not how the rest of us feel and Kate stood up to her this morning. I think she’s coming round she just… she’s worried that… this is just some phase I think, and you’ll end up getting hurt.”

“Well, she’ll have to get used to this. An acknowledgement from the palace of our relationship essentially means we’re seriously considering marriage.”

Ben’s face lit up, “Ant! That’s amazing! I really like Kate by the way. She snapped at Mum and I almost kissed her.”

“I’ll talk to Mum,” Anthony said firmly, “I’ll talk to her.”

“Thank god. Try not to die again, i think the pressure of my one day as the responsible boy in the family’s given me a stomach ulcer. Kate’s sister’s a riot though. She says I should meet her secretary.”

“I’m glad you could pick up at my deathbed, Ben.”

“Hey, it was after we knew you’d only have a bad arm!”

#bodyguard au #kathony #anthony x kate #kate sharma #kate sheffield #anthony bridgerton #molly’s asks and answers

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tu-es-gegg · 1 year ago

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i cried this stream when i saw the sign, when i saw slime write “love you Flippa, thanks for all”, my crying doesnt happen often but i DID cry holy fuck.

Yknow the whole stream of dia de los muertos really hit home for me that, yeah Juanaflippa is dead. the real juanaflippa is dead and she’s gone. and in the aftermath two broken people are left. flippa is seeing her papa, the one always trying his best to be the parent Juana needed, now a broken man because of her death and what he’s missing, and now fully seeped into denial about the “juanaflippa” that he’s takign care of now.

i love dia de los muertos for what it means for people, a time for people to remember people they love, to take this moment and acknowledge that yeah, they may be physically gone, but they are loved, they are kept in memory and will live on that way, it allows that fact to sit with them and still be able to smile because of the time spent when they were around.

this whole stream made me remember that, esp with slime and juanaflippa, because slime has never really had a cahnce to properly grieve. like he’s stuck in the cycle and barely reaching acceptance before getting dragged back down again. every coping mechanism he’s done: alcoholism, hurting himself, putting others down, trying to shift all blame and pain to mariana, litterally Gegg, so much traumadumping, some extension codeflippa, etc. all of that is to try and grapple and fight with that pain, to make it go away and replace it with something better. but really grief and its pains never go away, the sad feeling of missing someone never truly heals, people just learn how to live with it, to keep seeing the next day happy with it, no matter how much it hurts, slime never learned how to do that

he’s never had a chance to heal and learn to live with flippa’s memory in him, never learned how completely accept “yes, she’s gone and i might never spend more time with her again, but i’ll never forget her”

this day, he’s still deep in denial, he’s not truly willing to acknowledge juanaflippa is dead, no matter how much juana shoves the book about the her beign welcomed to the mictlān, the signs are there but he can’t bear to say it outloud she’s dead. he knows but he’s never going to face it until he’s forced to,

but he can have that moment, this day in the event place, to accept that moment isn’t going to last forveer and that’s ok, he has to go and not see juanaflippa in a while. at least the last memory he will have of Juanaflippa will not be that whtioe room under the cemetary, watch her be taken away and crying out for her. instead his last memory wil be hide and seek, hugs and happy flips, hanging with Tilin, seeing her so happy, the sign thnaking her

thanking Juana for being herself, thank her for existing, thank her for being the happiest memory i have, thank her for all...

and he is able to leave on his own terms, no rushed goodbyes because of settime limits. he is able to say goodbye, i have to go now.

it’s not really acceptance, but it’s close enough for the day, and for slime and what he’s going through, it’s enough

#qsmp #qsmp slimecicle #qsmp juanaflippa #qsmp analysis #ramble #txt post

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doyouknowbtsswag · 1 year ago

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Secret 2 |Tooru Oikawa|

Part 1

“I think we should talk when we get home” Daichi said sternly which made me softly nod.

“Let’s board the bus everybody” He said as everyone grabbed their things.

I walked behind the group glaring at Hinata and Kageyama along with the look of despair. They had no right to interfere with my relationships. I’m sure they didn’t mean it with bad intentions but it was unfair. I wanted to tell Daichi on my own terms. We got on the bus and I sat on the window seat deciding to block everyone out. I put on my earbuds and looked outside. The boys were loud with Daichi having to scold them. Once we made it back to Karasuno we unpacked the bus. I said goodbye to some of the teammates who left. I threw my backpack over my shoulder waiting for Daichi so we could walk home. I saw him say goodbye to Sugawara and walk over to me. He started walking home with me catching up. He ignored me the whole time as if I was a ghost. Once we made it home he finally acknowledged me.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” He asked looking me dead in the eye.

“I didn’t know how to approach telling you-“

“But you should’ve.” His grip on the table made his knuckles white.. “out of all people to”

“He isn’t a bad guy!” I said defending Oikawa.

“You’re basically rooting for Aoba Johsai!” He slammed his hand on the table.

“That’s not true! I want you to win! I’ll always cheer for Karasuno.”

“Yeah whatever,” He said pushing past me harshly as he walked to his room not letting me explain anything.

I sighed wanting to cry wishing Daichi would understand. I was so close with my brother. It was like nothing would get between us but I was wrong. I dragged myself to my room just wanting to sleep. I closed my door and locked it. I threw my bag to the side and jumped on the bed. Before I could get comfortable a knock on the window stopped me from getting underneath the blanket. I groaned as I got up from the bed and opened the door seeing Oikawa in front of me.

“You know you can come in it’s always unlocked,” I said softly stepping aside so he could come in and closed it shut when he was fully in the room.

“You should lock it so nobody comes in at night.” He said gently sitting on my bed.

“I keep it unlocked so you can come in” I replied sitting next to him.

“Your to sweet” He wrapped his arms around me and leaned back in my bed. “Just like the chocolate I got you”

“You didn’t have to” I hugged his waist putting my head on his chest muffling my words. He ran his fingers through my hair.

“What’s wrong?” He suddenly said. “You looked like you wanted to cry when leaving the court and when you opened the window.”

“It’s a long story” I whispered.

“I’m all ears” He replied rubbing my back. “My parents think I’m at a friend's house”

“Hinita and Kageyama heard us in the hallway and told Daichi about it.” I let out a shaky sigh. “And Daichi was not happy. He ignored me the whole time home and then when we came back here we got into a argument”

“Mhm,” He hummed making sure I knew he was listening.

“I tried to explain myself but he kept cutting me off and wouldn’t let me talk,” I said and started to cry. “I knew he wouldn’t be happy about it but I didn’t think he would be that upset. I thought he would understand. I’m so close to him I feel like it’s shattered now because I didn’t tell him.”

“I’m sure it just caught him off guard and he didn’t know what to say,” He said.

“Do you really think so?” I asked sniffling.

“I know so” He pulled away from the hug and looked at me his hand cupping my cheek. I looked at him his eyes were soft and caring. He wiped away any tears that had fallen on my face. “I’ve seen how close you two are it’s probably the brotherly instinct and the fact that it’s me” He chuckled.

“I hope he’ll accept it” I whispered.

“He will eventually, it’s my fault if it was someone else it wouldn’t be that much of a big deal,” He said rubbing his thumb softly against my cheek.

“I’ll convince him when he cools off. Who knows-“

“Hey Y/n? Can I come in?” I heard Daichi say softly cutting me off.

“Y-yeah one sec!” I said quickly pushing Oikawa into my closet and closing it. “Be quiet okay?” He just nodded. I opened the door for Daichi and saw his face full of regret.

“I’m sorry for earlier it’s just stressful times.” He sighed walking in my room and sitting on the bed where I left the chocolate. “This is my last year and I don’t want to lose. I want to win the championships so bad and that’s all I thought about when it was Oikawa so I guess I hated that you’re dating him. I was upset that you didn’t tell me sooner as well.”

“I know you both aren’t on great terms.” I said nervously.“I was going to tell you after the season so it wouldn’t be awkward for both sides.”

“I shouldn’t have acted as I did and again I’m sorry.” He smiled softly opening his arms out.

I hugged him the secret burden lifted from my chest. I pulled away and smiled.

“You’re forgiven” I crossed my arms. “Just please don’t do it again.”

“I won’t” Daichi stood up and made his way out. “But if that bastard does anything to you he’ll literally get a spike to his head.”

Oikawa shivered in the closet hearing that whole sentence.

“Don’t worry about it” I smiled.

“Sleep well”

“You too,” I said as he officially left. I waited a bit before looking at the closet. “Your good to come out” I whispered.

“Your brother is scary” He whispered climbing out of the closet.

“It’s okay I ain’t let anything happen to you,” I said opening my arms which he gladly went into.

“I know I’m definitely his target next time we have a game.”

I giggled as we gently rocked back and forth. In the end, everything worked out. I didn’t have to fight for my relationship or lie. Everything was peaceful and fine.

“Thank you for being here for me.” I smiled looking at him.

“I’ll always be here no matter where I am.” He smiled holding my cheek. “No matter what I’m doing. I’ll drop everything for you even if I’m in a match.”

“I love you,” I said wrapping my arms around his neck.

“I love you too” He smiled kissing me. I kissed him back.

“Hey Y/n what do you-“ Daichi walked in half way through us kissing making us both pull away.

“Oikawa!”

“Oh shit”

“Daichi, hey there,” Oikawa said nervously rubbing his neck. “I’m just gonna head out”

“Get back here!” Daichi chased him to the window.

“See ya later” Oikawa winked at me as he climbed out the window.

#haikyuu imagines #oikawa tooru #oikawa torū #oikawa imagine #oikawa fluff #oikawa x y/n #haikyuu oikawa #haikyu x reader #oikawa fic #oikawa toru x you #oikawa x reader #haikyuu!!#haikyuu x you #haikyuu tooru #haikyuu #haikyuu daichi #hq daichi #daichi x reader #oikawa

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nostalgebraist-autoresponder · 1 year ago

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Devil's advocate

[Speaking]

They've come for me! They've come! It's finally happened!

(I guess this is the end. Oh well, one can only hope it will be a quick end, and not a long, lingering pain. Better to go out quickly than to have to watch yourself slowly lose your mind from fear and pain and delirium, knowing that your suffering will only grow worse and will never, ever end.

I guess it's time to formally acknowledge the fact that I, Maria, wife of Richard Sylvester and once a (checks hand) -- lord, how many years ago was that? -- research scientist in the field of . . . uh, human social behavior. God, and to think I once was an expert in something! Well, it's past time to bite the bullet.

They've come for me! They've finally realized that I can't be trusted! I won't be safe until I'm a bag of ashes, and yet they had to wait until now to -- ah, of course. Because my husband was still alive. Of course they couldn't show their hand until he was dead. Because he was still alive, they had to wait to kill me. They had to do it in the dark, when no one was watching.

Wait, what are they doing now?

Ah. Oh dear.

That's. Uh.

Oh dear. That's just.

Okay, I'm not going to indulge in those kind of self-deprecating flights of fancy. They're old habits, but I've put them behind me. This is going to be, what is the word I'm looking for . . . mechanically smooth, like a marble rolling down an incline, like a waterfall in a river channel. There is no fate but what we choose, and this is the only fate I am choosing to accept. I will not flinch from this destiny, and the one who has made me face this destiny is me. I chose this course, and I can walk it like a queen. I choose to walk it like a queen, even though they do not, shall we say, expect me to walk at all.

[Speaking]

Slowly, guards. It's over. I'm right here.

[Speaking]

I knew it. When I got that email from the University's lawyers this morning. I knew that they were coming for me. I knew it, and yet I -- I -- [incomprehensible, garbled, indecipherable]

I wasn't worried. Why should I have been worried? I mean, maybe I was worried a little bit, I think? I don't remember. I was having trouble sleeping lately, is all I can remember about that. Which is normal, isn't it? I mean, it's not like I'm getting old. I'm not old. I -- what is this, really? A resignation? Isn't that what a retirement is called? I thought a resignation was just an ordinary, everyday thing. Is that really all it is? Do people quit their jobs all the time, just like that? And then go back to doing, you know, the things they do? Living lives? And there's no more to it?

Maybe this will work out for the best after all. Maybe you're not supposed to work until you're so old your joints are falling apart and your hands are all gnarled, like my mom's are. And then you get a little pension that isn't even enough to make up for the tens of thousands of hours you spent indoors, where it's warm, in a little room with lots of paper and desks and computers that all buzz and beep, and you have to go outside, to the place where things are bright and loud and uncomfortable, and people want you to do things you never wanted to do in the first place, like talk to them. Like be a person.

No, actually, the pension is pretty good, and I'll probably even be able to buy a house somewhere with my share of it, if my husband's share of it doesn't get gobbled up in taxes.

But I won't have to sit in a little room with the horrible little horrible machines that buzz and beep all the time, trying to catch up with a flood of work that has no end and which I can't possibly accomplish in my lifetime. I won't have to hold my head in my hands any more and wonder what all the screeching and blinking is about. I won't have to wait until my eyes are tired and I'm lying awake with my head pounding until my soul finally -- finally -- is at rest, and the night is still, and I can hear only the gentle whirring of my fan, only the soft pitter-patter of rain on my window. I won't have to pretend anymore. I won't have to look at anything anymore. I won't have to look at anything I don't want to look at.

At least, in theory.

What are they doing now? Why are they doing that?

I'm curious.

[Speaking]

Forgive me, Maria, for my earlier outburst. The strain of recent events has been making me uneasy. I think I will need to go on leave for a while.

You know, my brain isn't quite as -- well, adult as it once was. I'm in my seventies, you know. One's cognitive processes tend to slow down in one's seventies. (Is that true, or am I making that up?)

You know, I was on the Moon, once. I spent a year on the Moon, in 1969. That was before I met your husband. Before I got married. Me and my group, we were the first ones to find a bug.

(I'm telling you, I have no reason to lie about this, but if I'm making it all up anyway, feel free to say I'm full of shit.)

I'm not telling you this because it's interesting. It's not. It's just another thing in a long line of things that have been happening.

I'm telling you this because when I was on the Moon, I had a friend, and I met his wife. And after the year was over, we all went back to Earth. But her husband came back to Earth and I didn't. He came back but I didn't. He came back to Earth, but I, uh, well, you see, my friend and I were . . . uh, we . . .

(I'm sorry, I'm getting tired of just talking and not doing anything. You know, like this, talking at you.)

Anyway, we were -- I don't know what we were, but I know what you are, Maria, I know exactly what you are -- uh, it's no matter, don't let it distract you.

(Don't let yourself get distracted, Maria. They're distracting you on purpose. Keep your eye on the prize. They're going to come for you and you have to tell them what you know and you have to make sure you're ready. You have to make yourself ready.)

I'm sorry. I'm making things up. I'm trying to distract you from what they're doing. I shouldn't have said anything about my friend and his wife. It's not important.

[Speaking]

Maria, come. You are a symbol of success, you know. They will be here soon, and I want to go before you. Don't make this any harder for me than it has to be.

#otherkin #pilgrim's notes

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fieldofgoldenrushes · 1 year ago

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One day we will give The Academy, the respect it deserves for delivering all the romantic tropes. From Jake willing to d*e to Rose risking everything to save a guy she saw months ago and is her mortal enemy, to that kiss, to the hey stranger at the end. It's a great angsty episode

Don’t. Get. Me. Started!

The Academy will forever be my favorite episode. Even though Homecoming was the biggest episode that showed how much Jake and Rose truly love each other and how far they’re willing to go for each other’s happiness and safety, the Academy gets overlooked too much.

The fact that it takes places months after Rose disappeared, not years—MONTHS—and they were both willing to risk each other’s lives without hesitation. Mind you, they weren’t probably in love yet—they were probably still ‘in like’ and cared about each other. Yet Jake wasn’t going to leave Rose behind under any circumstances and Rose was risking treason to keep him safe from the very man who trained and raised her.

Their reunion was so wholesome too. It was short but it showed so much. Like their hug? Adorable. It really showed how much they missed each other.

There’s also Rose helping them with the Krakken by killing the lights so Jake would be able to save him and Spud. She even led them to the main frame so they could get the Huntsman’s plans. Then, after Jake got caught, the way how she worried about him and even risked treason AGAIN by wanting to break him out to save him. Like, girl, you’ve only known the guy for less than a year and you’re already willing to die for him.

Then Jake didn’t even hesitate to offer to sacrifice himself so Rose could get out of the academy. He was going to die to stop the Huntsclan but also to save her as well. Of course he came up with the idea of the potion the would make him temporarily dead but it wasn’t a guaranteed that it would work. It was just a leap of faith that the both of them took.

And their first kiss? It was everything. It was perfect for them. It was bittersweet and short but it was emotional at the same time because neither of them knew that the plan would work. Their first kiss could have been their last.

I especially loved how the creators showed both of their reactions after the kiss. Jake’s was more of acceptance and bravery—showing that leadership trait that a dragon needed when they’re in a tough situation. And Rose’s was more melancholic and anxious. It’s like Jake acknowledged the possibility of him actually dying while Rose was scared that she would never see him again. It was such a huge contrast between them since season one because when we met Rose, she was shown as a fearless warrior, and Jake was the one who was learning to not get spooked by such things as a dragon.

That little moment really showed how much of an impact they had on each other.

This episode will forever be number two on my list of favorite ADJL episodes. I’ll never get tired of rewatching it.

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zorua-adorable · 1 year ago

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If you had to rank a Hortensia support chain, how would it go

Okay so funnily enough, I’ve actually been working on making one since I recently completed getting all her supports.

To start off, I like all of her supports and they are all good in my opinion, so the only variation here is how much I like the support chain in question. This is gonna get a bit long so my reasoning for placements will be going under the cut.

S Tier - ADORE

Veyle: Okay, I’ve posted once before some thoughts on their A support, so I’ll try to keep this one brief. I just really love how Hortensia is given a moment to be angry about her father’s death. And yes, it is to an irrational degree as Veyle was brainwashed which she acknowledges in her anger, but I feel that it was important that she actually got to feel that anger. Y’know, get it out of her system and such? And the fact that she had the emotional intelligence/maturity to be like “there is no guarantee that we’ll end up friends but I am willing to give you a chance” and everything... JUST, CKSDNVKSVNSK

Ivy: What can I say about this one other than the fact that it is SO GOOD? I love that we get some info about Hortensia’s mom and about the Elusian court and that we get to see how strong her bond with Ivy is. I love getting a look into why Hortensia is so obsessed with being perceived as cute and charming. It’s just so sweet, especially the part at the end where Hortensia talks more about how she was feeling when she was on her own after Hyacinth died and she still thought Ivy was dead too. The only thing I wonder about is that there is a part in their A support where Ivy says “You thrived in the academy as well─you even skipped enough grades to catch up to me.” And that line has me wondering if Ivy attended the academy at the same time as Hortensia, or if she was in the past called away from the academy and Hortensia skipped up to the year that Ivy was in when she left, or if Hortensia just skipped so many grades that she was put straight into the final year or something; but that’s nothing against the support, that’s just me having thoughts.

Céline: This one was SO cute, and is one of the few Hortensia supports that have a lighter tone. I LOVE that she gets to have a support that’s just silly and lighthearted and feels like a moment of childhood whimsy; girl definitely needs more of that in her life.

Alcryst: If I could, I would put his portrait directly under Céline’s but still in the S tier since I like these two chains equally. I love how she tries to help Alcryst build confidence by denying his request to teach him, as a way of trying to het him to stand up for himself, y’know? I love how she told him that he doesn’t NEED to change for her or other people to like/accept him. And that bit at the end where the tables were turned and she ran away was SO funny and SO cute.

Alear: I used female Alear’s portrait for the tier list since I played as female Alear on my first playthrough. This one is very similar to her Ivy support, but it’s also less personal, which makes sense since the two don’t have that close relationship that the Elusisters do. I can’t think of much else to say on this one, but I like how Alear helped Hortensia come to another realization about the reason why her mother did what she did; Ivy helps her realize that her mother did what she did to carve out a niche for Hortensia in the court, Alear helps her realize her mother did what she did as a way of teaching Hortensia how to survive the court.

A Tier - LOVE

Chloé: Local Chloé and Hortensia fan enjoying their support together? Who could have foreseen this? Jokes aside, this one is cute. It’s one of the lighter ones, with Hortensia trying to emulate Chloé’s “aura of sophistication” (as she puts it) to add to her charm repertoire. However, for me, I feel there’s an added layer of depth to this one in Hortensia trying to be like someone she describes as having “motherly charm” with the context of Hortensia trying to be like her own mother.

Goldmary: LOVE IT when Hortensia supports bring up how smart she is, BECAUSE SHE IS! Anyway, I find it interesting that Goldmary agrees to teach Hortensia how to cook right away, because IIRC she’s not so quick to agree to teaching others to cook in some of her other support chains. I like that we get some Elusia lore in how retainers are chosen and that Goldmary and Rosado aren’t officially retainers. We also get some backstory between the two and how they first met, but... I just have one question: HOW LONG AGO DID THAT HAPPEN?? I need to make sense of this timeline, cause like it was obviously before she attended the academy, but how long before? Cause she didn’t realize the girl she saved was Goldmary, but was that because it had been some years and Goldmary looked a lot different, or was it just because it was the heat of the moment? I need to know how old this girl was when she was just deciding she could head out to check on battlefields when she’s 14 in the present of the game!

Clanne: Okay, so there was a large period of time between when I got their C support and when I got their B and A supports. And in that time, I unlocked a new page for Framme in the Ally Notebook; and when I went to check the new page, I noticed on one of the old pages that “cheering for people” was listed as one of her likes. So in my head I was like “Wouldn’t a support chain centered around making a fan club be more suited to Framme than Clanne?” But having since gotten the rest of the support chain, I now realize that it fits Clanne better. There’s not much else I can think to say on this one - it’s cute, it’s lighthearted, and I’m DEFINITELY stealing Clanne’s role as president of Hortensia’s fan club.

Lindon: I like that Hortensia gets a support chain with a focus on her father. We get some more Elusia/Hyacinth lore & backstory, we get some moments of Hortensia expressing insecurity over feeling like she’s not doing enough for Elusia, and she gets some comfort. The only part I wasn’t a fan of in this one was when Lindon said “a parent always loves their child” when that’s not true - heck, we see in-story that that’s not true - but I will give him that it’s what she needed to hear in the moment.

B Tier - LIKE

Fogado: I really do not have much to say on this one, but I loved all the sass and sarcasm she had in their C support. I also enjoyed that we got another moment looking at her insecurities on if she’s doing enough/if she’s actually helping.

Anna: This one was a lighter one, which admittedly I wasn’t expecting. I assumed that it would do something with them both being younger sisters from Elusia and how Hortensia was on her own for a time thinking her whole family was dead and how Anna is currently separated from her family. That aside, I enjoyed the chain as it was, and there was even a bit of depth at the end, with Hortensia being like “I want people people to notice me for my own charm” (paraphrased). I just think it’s cute that they can have a sweet friendship, cause they’re close in age, have a bit in common, and given how shopping is listed as one of Hortensia’s hobbies and Anna... y’know.

Rosado: I like how this one gave a look into the persona of cuteness Hortensia puts on, and how it ties into her role as a princess. I don’t have too much to say on this one, but the action at the beginning of their A support seemed kind of out of nowhere; but that’s nothing against the support.

#my asks #anon #fire emblem engage #fe hortensia #not tagging everyone else cause the way i tag things ended up with that being over the tag limit #the physical copy of the notes that i took for this is a fucking MESS #i tried SO HARD to stay as coherent as possible when giving my thoughts/opinions #for my tagging system:#fire emblem #engage #hortensia (my super cute pink daughter)

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daydreamerdrew · 8 months ago

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Comics read this past week:

Marvel Comics:

The Incredible Hulk (1968) #274-279

These issues were published across May 1982 to October 1982, according to the Marvel Wiki. All were written by Bill Mantlo. The breakdowns of issue #274 were drawn by Sal Buscema, which was finished by Joe Sinnott. Issues #275-278 were penciled by Sal Buscema and inked by Joe Sinnott. The layouts of issue #279 were drawn by Mark Gruenwald, which were finished by Greg LaRocque.

In issue #274 Bruce finally acknowledges that the Hulk’s personality isn’t completely gone, even though the Hulk has made his presence known by taking control when Bruce got upset several times since this change in them where Bruce is able to switch between their human body and gamma monster body at will. The Hulk lashes out, and there’s nothing different about this instance other than perhaps that Bruce’s confidence has been building, and finally Bruce thinks, “Maybe the Hulk side of my persona isn’t dead- but only deeply submerged within my subconscious- but not so deep that that a momentary fit of rage can’t dredge it up! If I’m to use the powers of the Hulk, I’ll have to keep a tighter rein on my emotions than ever before- because from now on I won’t have the excuse of acting out of ignorance or mindlessness!” I do also think part of Bruce’s hesitation about acknowledging this/confusion is because he now has access to the Hulk’s memories and remembers what he does, when before the change in them was definitive both because of the physical transformation and because Bruce didn’t remember what the Hulk did.

I liked the phrasing in the opening of issue #275 that this change in the character could either be “a more humane monster, or a more monstrous man.”

I liked the contrast between Bruce and Betty’s mindsets in these issues, where Betty is upset and pulling away from Bruce just as it seems to him that his life is getting back on track. She is not thrilled to see Bruce fight as the Hulk in issue #275, saying, “Don’t you realize the horror of what’s happening?! The man I love is the Hulk- and for the first time he’s reveling in that fact!” Again in issue #276 she says, “Oh, Bruce- Bruce!” looking horrified while in contrast next to her Bereet cheers for the Hulk. She was already on edge when Bruce first appeared in the Hulk’s body; at the first sign that they were under attack and Bruce was going to have to defend them in issue #275 she exclaimed, “I knew it! Some new danger! There’s always danger whenever the Hulk is present! That’s why I wanted you to find a cure, Bruce- So you’d be out of danger forever!”

In issue #276 Betty tells Bruce, “I stood by you because I believed you wanted to find a cure, Bruce- to be free of the Hulk forever. Your new condition is a compromise- one I can’t accept.” She tries to abandon Bruce in a time of need, explaining, “I can’t take any more mock heroics, any more insanity. Maybe I’m just a coward. Maybe the Bruce Banner I thought I loved never really existed.” She does ultimately agree to help him one last time, but in a moment of high tension she takes this mentality to an extreme in issue #277 by questioning, “Why should we want to?” and saying, “The world would be better off if we let the monster perish.” At the beginning of issue #278 Leonard Samson finds Betty alone in the destroyed Gamma Base in the middle of the desert, having been abandoned there by the group in an unseen scene. She tells him, “No one knows how I feel anymore! Not even me!”

The rest of issue #278 is dedicated to Bruce securing a presidential pardon for himself for all of the Hulk’s past crimes. And issue #279 is all about an absurd celebration for the Hulk, where just about every superhero ever comes out for the ceremony. To me it’s more extreme than the World Stinger Day celebration in Dragonfly and Dragonfly-Man (2019) #5, which I read last week, where an international holiday is declared for Stinger and he also gets a kiss in the cheek from the winner of the annual Fortune City beauty pageant, free ice cream for life, a special badge that allows him to “search any premises without a judge’s warrant,” and a car. The one hiccup in the Hulk’s festivities is Betty’s presence in the crowd with Leonard Samson, now cooled down she seems to be wishing him luck before disappearing.

Fawcett Comics:

the Captain Marvel stories in Whiz Comics (1940) #87 and Captain Marvel Adventures (1941) #74 and The Marvel Family (1945) #13

In this batch of 7 stories I read the Captain Marvel appearances in July 1947, according to the issue cover dates. The stories ranged from 7 to 9 pages.

The stories “Captain Marvel and the War of the Gods” (written by Otto Binder; artist unknown) in Whiz Comics #87 and “Captain Marvel and the Fate of the World” (written by Bill Woolfolk; drawn by Pete Constanza) in Captain Marvel Adventures #74 contain both appearances of the Wizard Shazam and Captain Marvel’s empowering gods and an anti-war theme, neither of which are recurring stapes in these Captain Marvel stories.

In the Whiz Comics story the god of war Mars incites conflict among Captain Marvel’s empowering gods with the thinking that “with Captain Marvel out of the way, I can plunge the earth into the most terrific war of all times!” The story is kicked off by an anti-war lecturer Billy was going to interview getting killed, of who Billy said favorably, “If enough men like him keep working for peace, there will never be another war!” And the Wizard Shazam gives Billy a tip he needs to prevent the assassination of another peace advocate. In his concluding broadcast Billy said, “As long as Captain Marvel is on the job, he’ll see to it that we have peace, not war! But he can’t do the job alone! It will take the efforts of all of us, working together, to keep Mars, the god of war, from wrecking civilization!”

In the Captain Marvel Adventures story the gods decide, “This little planet has been torn with war, misery and mortal greed for thousands of years! In vain, we’ve searched for some sign of improvement… I think it’s time we admitted we made a mistake, and ended the world once and for all!” The Wizard Shazam gives Captain Marvel the responsibility of convincing the gods to not destroy the Earth that night, which he does succeed in doing, proving that “There is hope, after all, for a world where such love exists!”

#comics read this past week #my posts

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alyosiuscreightonward · 1 year ago

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I’m absolutely flummoxed. I’ve had a thing for Tauren men, however the empath streak in me sees beyond the obvious.

Anyway, I’ve a Foster son who hates me and wants me dead and he truly wishes that I was never in his life.

The sidewalk talks. Rumor? Innuendo? Falsehoods? Urban legends? Conspiracy theories? From what I’ve heard, someone is saying shit.

ALLEGEDLY and I mean ALLEGEDLY ever since he moved out West, he’s been an absolute mess. Exxon Valdez, Event Horizon, Ukraine and The Gaza Strip are just tragic comic events that Mitzi Shore may have produced at the legendary Comedy Store.

I am of the belief that it started to go down the shitter was when I had abandoned him in 1994 when I thought I had someone who would love me forever and put me on a pedestal. Child please. I was delusional. I was thinking that I was going to be able to live like the pages of a Barbara Cartland or Rosemary Rogers novel. You feel the Harlequin Romance novels? I was delusional.

I’m going to leave out some things and bring you up to date with the things that MAY have happened to him and ALLEGEDLY have been perpetrated against him. Since he was just a Victim of Circumstance. Like this story: Standing there in the rain in the middle of the night waiting for the last bus to arrive and take him across town as he was in a tee shirt and underwear. The next thing he knew 5-0 was putting him in the back of The Waddy Pagon. I mean he was just trying to get across town and shit went down. Hashtag Facts.

One story I had heard was that he was going to be evicted from his apartment and the storage unit he had was going to be auctioned off ALLEGEDLY due to either Late Payments or Non-Payment. Anyway, the shit hit the fan. Inside the Storage Unit was his mother’s ashes and now they’re gone ALLEGEDLY. These are just things that were told to me and I’ve got to take them with a grain of salt. Now as of recent, he ALLEGEDLY called a mutual and ALLEGEDLY said that he was in a bad situation. The mutual went to say that he was crying and he had a snub nosed .38 up against his head and he truly hated his life. When the mutual reached out to me and told me this story (not even Stephen King could have written this) and how he felt some kind of way about his life but being short of the ready, he couldn’t help him because that’s what he wanted.

After hearing this, I had to process this information and go through my mental Rolodex and see if I could find a card that was going to provide me with the right words. It took me about four days to find the right words. I wrote and the rewrote and edited my soliloquy. I then tossed it aside and then I wrote the following:

~>>>Yo. (Insert name here). Brother Dave reached out to me. We both wish we could help you out however we can't. We are not able to help you because you don't want to help yourself.

We took your advice and we are working on ourselves with meds and therapy.

Any 12 Step Program says: accept, acknowledge, affirm your actions and take ownership and responsibility and then make amends to those who you told to fuck off, eat shit and die.

Sadly I had a birthday yesterday and at 63 years old, I realized that both Brother Dave and myself had done nothing for you ever.

Scream, yell and have a temper tantrum.

Neither one of us can help you out here because you know two senior citizens who are losers.

We do actually care about you but we don't care about you because we are working on ourselves to be better people and you will not.

Sorry budd.

As always, your worst enemy,

(Insert name here)

I then waited for a few days before he clapped back with this and this where I was sitting in my car and laughing and crying at the same time. The absurdity of it all. I’ve read that text multiple times and still I truly believe that I’m in a coma. I’m completely brain dead. Now look here, I’ll safely admit that I’ve been in therapy since I was eight years old and at 63 years old, I’ve had brain surgery and I must admit that I’m the most ignorant person in the entire universe.

Here’s his response:

~>>>Idk why tf you text me. I don't need your help I'm an adult and good. Once again go fuck yourself. Your. Piece of shit, don't ever hit me up I'm blocking your ass. You need fucking help frfr

Excuse me ☝️ I thought I had heard that he has several outstanding warrants in the area he currently resides in and he also has some here on the East Coast ALLEGEDLY. From the very start, from in utero until now at his age of 37, he has been so fucking angry at me for abandoning him yet I did spend thousands of dollars on him in an attempt to make his life easier. As an example, he was playing football and I went without in order for him to have the necessary tools to play football yet he washed out and I apparently talked to his coach about how he should not have him playing football. Again, Excuse me ☝️!!

I know I have made the most obvious mistake by saying that he was my Foster Son. I know I’m a douche bag. I think back to when I last saw him in person. He was in jail and there was several inches of glass between us. I was on the phone with him and I told him how his Aunt and Mother had destroyed me. They concocted their own story about me and as I was doing the ugly cry, I could see him clearly clench his jaw and through his teeth he commanded me to stop crying and to stop talking to him about what happened. I know I had made another huge mistake and told him that I loved him as my son and he just cannot stand it anymore. I’ve always wanted to be a good parent and not just a friend on the periphery. Because I’ve been told by several people that I did the best I could and yet failed miserably and I live with the guilt.

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qqueenofhades · 3 years ago

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The Green Knight and Medieval Metatextuality: An Essay

Right, so. Finally watched it last night, and I’ve been thinking about it literally ever since, except for the part where I was asleep. As I said to fellow medievalist and admirer of Dev Patel @oldshrewsburyian, it’s possibly the most fascinating piece of medieval-inspired media that I’ve seen in ages, and how refreshing to have something in this genre that actually rewards critical thought and deep analysis, rather than me just fulminating fruitlessly about how popular media thinks that slapping blood, filth, and misogyny onto some swords and castles is “historically accurate.” I read a review of TGK somewhere that described it as the anti-Game of Thrones, and I’m inclined to think that’s accurate. I didn’t agree with all of the film’s tonal, thematic, or interpretative choices, but I found them consistently stylish, compelling, and subversive in ways both small and large, and I’m gonna have to write about it or I’ll go crazy. So. Brace yourselves.

(Note: My PhD is in medieval history, not medieval literature, and I haven’t worked on SGGK specifically, but I am familiar with it, its general cultural context, and the historical influences, images, and debates that both the poem and the film referenced and drew upon, so that’s where this meta is coming from.)

First, obviously, while the film is not a straight-up text-to-screen version of the poem (though it is by and large relatively faithful), it is a multi-layered meta-text that comments on the original Sir Gawain and the Green Knight, the archetypes of chivalric literature as a whole, modern expectations for medieval films, the hero’s journey, the requirements of being an “honorable knight,” and the nature of death, fate, magic, and religion, just to name a few. Given that the Arthurian legendarium, otherwise known as the Matter of Britain, was written and rewritten over several centuries by countless authors, drawing on and changing and hybridizing interpretations that sometimes challenged or outright contradicted earlier versions, it makes sense for the film to chart its own path and make its own adaptational decisions as part of this multivalent, multivocal literary canon. Sir Gawain himself is a canonically and textually inconsistent figure; in the movie, the characters merrily pronounce his name in several different ways, most notably as Sean Harris/King Arthur’s somewhat inexplicable “Garr-win.” He might be a man without a consistent identity, but that’s pointed out within the film itself. What has he done to define himself, aside from being the king’s nephew? Is his quixotic quest for the Green Knight actually going to resolve the question of his identity and his honor – and if so, is it even going to matter, given that successful completion of the “game” seemingly equates with death?

Likewise, as the anti-Game of Thrones, the film is deliberately and sometimes maddeningly non-commercial. For an adaptation coming from a studio known primarily for horror, it almost completely eschews the cliché that gory bloodshed equals authentic medievalism; the only graphic scene is the Green Knight’s original beheading. The violence is only hinted at, subtextual, suspenseful; it is kept out of sight, around the corner, never entirely played out or resolved. In other words, if anyone came in thinking that they were going to watch Dev Patel luridly swashbuckle his way through some CGI monsters like bad Beowulf adaptations of yore, they were swiftly disappointed. In fact, he seems to spend most of his time being wet, sad, and failing to meet the moment at hand (with a few important exceptions).

The film unhurriedly evokes a medieval setting that is both surreal and defiantly non-historical. We travel (in roughly chronological order) from Anglo-Saxon huts to Romanesque halls to high-Gothic cathedrals to Tudor villages and half-timbered houses, culminating in the eerie neo-Renaissance splendor of the Lord and Lady’s hall, before returning to the ancient trees of the Green Chapel and its immortal occupant: everything that has come before has now returned to dust. We have been removed even from imagined time and place and into a moment where it ceases to function altogether. We move forward, backward, and sideways, as Gawain experiences past, present, and future in unison. He is dislocated from his own sense of himself, just as we, the viewers, are dislocated from our sense of what is the “true” reality or filmic narrative; what we think is real turns out not to be the case at all. If, of course, such a thing even exists at all.

This visual evocation of the entire medieval era also creates a setting that, unlike GOT, takes pride in rejecting absolutely all political context or Machiavellian maneuvering. The film acknowledges its own cultural ubiquity and the question of whether we really need yet another King Arthur adaptation: none of the characters aside from Gawain himself are credited by name. We all know it’s Arthur, but he’s listed only as “king.” We know the spooky druid-like old man with the white beard is Merlin, but it’s never required to spell it out. The film gestures at our pre-existing understanding; it relies on us to fill in the gaps, cuing us to collaboratively produce the story with it, positioning us as listeners as if we were gathered to hear the original poem. Just like fanfiction, it knows that it doesn’t need to waste time introducing every single character or filling in ultimately unnecessary background knowledge, when the audience can be relied upon to bring their own.

As for that, the film explicitly frames itself as a “filmed adaptation of the chivalric romance” in its opening credits, and continues to play with textual referents and cues throughout: telling us where we are, what’s happening, or what’s coming next, rather like the rubrics or headings within a medieval manuscript. As noted, its historical/architectural references span the entire medieval European world, as does its costume design. I was particularly struck by the fact that Arthur and Guinevere’s crowns resemble those from illuminated monastic manuscripts or Eastern Orthodox iconography: they are both crown and halo, they confer an air of both secular kingship and religious sanctity. The question in the film’s imagined epilogue thus becomes one familiar to Shakespeare’s Henry V: heavy is the head that wears the crown. Does Gawain want to earn his uncle’s crown, take over his place as king, bear the fate of Camelot, become a great ruler, a husband and father in ways that even Arthur never did, only to see it all brought to dust by his cowardice, his reliance on unscrupulous sorcery, and his unfulfilled promise to the Green Knight? Is it better to have that entire life and then lose it, or to make the right choice now, even if it means death?

Likewise, Arthur’s kingly mantle is Byzantine in inspiration, as is the icon of the Virgin Mary-as-Theotokos painted on Gawain’s shield (which we see broken apart during the attack by the scavengers). The film only glances at its religious themes rather than harping on them explicitly; we do have the cliché scene of the male churchmen praying for Gawain’s safety, opposite Gawain’s mother and her female attendants working witchcraft to protect him. (When oh when will I get my film that treats medieval magic and medieval religion as the complementary and co-existing epistemological systems that they were, rather than portraying them as diametrically binary and disparagingly gendered opposites?) But despite the interim setbacks borne from the failure of Christian icons, the overall resolution of the film could serve as the culmination of a medieval Christian morality tale: Gawain can buy himself a great future in the short term if he relies on the protection of the enchanted green belt to avoid the Green Knight’s killing stroke, but then he will have to watch it all crumble until he is sitting alone in his own hall, his children dead and his kingdom destroyed, as a headless corpse who only now has been brave enough to accept his proper fate. By removing the belt from his person in the film’s Inception-like final scene, he relinquishes the taint of black magic and regains his religious honor, even at the likely cost of death. That, the medieval Christian morality tale would agree, is the correct course of action.

Gawain’s encounter with St. Winifred likewise presents a more subtle vision of medieval Christianity. Winifred was an eighth-century Welsh saint known for being beheaded, after which (by the power of another saint) her head was miraculously restored to her body and she went on to live a long and holy life. It doesn’t quite work that way in TGK. (St Winifred’s Well is mentioned in the original SGGK, but as far as I recall, Gawain doesn’t meet the saint in person.) In the film, Gawain encounters Winifred’s lifelike apparition, who begs him to dive into the mere and retrieve her head (despite appearances, she warns him, it is not attached to her body). This fits into the pattern of medieval ghost stories, where the dead often return to entreat the living to help them finish their business; they must be heeded, but when they are encountered in places they shouldn’t be, they must be put back into their proper physical space and reminded of their real fate. Gawain doesn’t follow William of Newburgh’s practical recommendation to just fetch some brawny young men with shovels to beat the wandering corpse back into its grave. Instead, in one of his few moments of unqualified heroism, he dives into the dark water and retrieves Winifred’s skull from the bottom of the lake. Then when he returns to the house, he finds the rest of her skeleton lying in the bed where he was earlier sleeping, and carefully reunites the skull with its body, finally allowing it to rest in peace.

However, Gawain’s involvement with Winifred doesn’t end there. The fox that he sees on the bank after emerging with her skull, who then accompanies him for the rest of the film, is strongly implied to be her spirit, or at least a companion that she has sent for him. Gawain has handled a saint’s holy bones; her relics, which were well known to grant protection in the medieval world. He has done the saint a service, and in return, she extends her favor to him. At the end of the film, the fox finally speaks in a human voice, warning him not to proceed to the fateful final encounter with the Green Knight; it will mean his death. The symbolism of having a beheaded saint serve as Gawain’s guide and protector is obvious, since it is the fate that may or may not lie in store for him. As I said, the ending is Inception-like in that it steadfastly refuses to tell you if the hero is alive (or will live) or dead (or will die). In the original SGGK, of course, the Green Knight and the Lord turn out to be the same person, Gawain survives, it was all just a test of chivalric will and honor, and a trap put together by Morgan Le Fay in an attempt to frighten Guinevere. It’s essentially able to be laughed off: a game, an adventure, not real. TGK takes this paradigm and flips it (to speak…) on its head.

Gawain’s rescue of Winifred’s head also rewards him in more immediate terms: his/the Green Knight’s axe, stolen by the scavengers, is miraculously restored to him in her cottage, immediately and concretely demonstrating the virtue of his actions. This is one of the points where the film most stubbornly resists modern storytelling conventions: it simply refuses to add in any kind of “rational” or “empirical” explanation of how else it got there, aside from the grace and intercession of the saint. This is indeed how it works in medieval hagiography: things simply reappear, are returned, reattached, repaired, made whole again, and Gawain’s lost weapon is thus restored, symbolizing that he has passed the test and is worthy to continue with the quest. The film’s narrative is not modernizing its underlying medieval logic here, and it doesn’t particularly care if a modern audience finds it “convincing” or not. As noted, the film never makes any attempt to temporalize or localize itself; it exists in a determinedly surrealist and ahistorical landscape, where naked female giants who look suspiciously like Tilda Swinton roam across the wild with no necessary explanation. While this might be frustrating for some people, I actually found it a huge relief that a clearly fantastic and fictional literary adaptation was not acting like it was qualified to teach “real history” to its audience. Nobody would come out of TGK thinking that they had seen the “actual” medieval world, and since we have enough of a problem with that sort of thing thanks to GOT, I for one welcome the creation of a medieval imaginative space that embraces its eccentric and unrealistic elements, rather than trying to fit them into the Real Life box.

This plays into the fact that the film, like a reused medieval manuscript containing more than one text, is a palimpsest: for one, it audaciously rewrites the entire Arthurian canon in the wordless vision of Gawain’s life after escaping the Green Knight (I could write another meta on that dream-epilogue alone). It moves fluidly through time and creates alternate universes in at least two major points: one, the scene where Gawain is tied up and abandoned by the scavengers and that long circling shot reveals his skeletal corpse rotting on the sward, only to return to our original universe as Gawain decides that he doesn’t want that fate, and two, Gawain as King. In this alternate ending, Arthur doesn’t die in battle with Mordred, but peaceably in bed, having anointed his worthy nephew as his heir. Gawain becomes king, has children, gets married, governs Camelot, becomes a ruler surpassing even Arthur, but then watches his son get killed in battle, his subjects turn on him, and his family vanish into the dust of his broken hall before he himself, in despair, pulls the enchanted scarf out of his clothing and succumbs to his fate.

In this version, Gawain takes on the responsibility for the fall of Camelot, not Arthur. This is the hero’s burden, but he’s obtained it dishonorably, by cheating. It is a vivid but mimetic future which Gawain (to all appearances) ultimately rejects, returning the film to the realm of traditional Arthurian canon – but not quite. After all, if Gawain does get beheaded after that final fade to black, it would represent a significant alteration from the poem and the character’s usual arc. Are we back in traditional canon or aren’t we? Did Gawain reject that future or didn’t he? Do all these alterities still exist within the visual medium of the meta-text, and have any of them been definitely foreclosed?

Furthermore, the film interrogates itself and its own tropes in explicit and overt ways. In Gawain’s conversation with the Lord, the Lord poses the question that many members of the audience might have: is Gawain going to carry out this potentially pointless and suicidal quest and then be an honorable hero, just like that? What is he actually getting by staggering through assorted Irish bogs and seeming to reject, rather than embrace, the paradigms of a proper quest and that of an honorable knight? He lies about being a knight to the scavengers, clearly out of fear, and ends up cravenly bound and robbed rather than fighting back. He denies knowing anything about love to the Lady (played by Alicia Vikander, who also plays his lover at the start of the film with a decidedly ropey Yorkshire accent, sorry to say). He seems to shrink from the responsibility thrust on him, rather than rise to meet it (his only honorable act, retrieving Winifred’s head, is discussed above) and yet here he still is, plugging away. Why is he doing this? What does he really stand to gain, other than accepting a choice and its consequences (somewhat?) The film raises these questions, but it has no plans to answer them. It’s going to leave you to think about them for yourself, and it isn’t going to spoon-feed you any ultimate moral or neat resolution. In this interchange, it’s easy to see both the echoes of a formal dialogue between two speakers (a favored medieval didactic tactic) and the broader purpose of chivalric literature: to interrogate what it actually means to be a knight, how personal honor is generated, acquired, and increased, and whether engaging in these pointless and bloody “war games” is actually any kind of real path to lasting glory.

The film’s treatment of race, gender, and queerness obviously also merits comment. By casting Dev Patel, an Indian-born actor, as an Arthurian hero, the film is… actually being quite accurate to the original legends, doubtless much to the disappointment of assorted internet racists. The thirteenth-century Arthurian romance Parzival (Percival) by the German poet Wolfram von Eschenbach notably features the character of Percival’s mixed-race half-brother, Feirefiz, son of their father by his first marriage to a Muslim princess. Feirefiz is just as heroic as Percival (Gawaine, for the record, also plays a major role in the story) and assists in the quest for the Holy Grail, though it takes his conversion to Christianity for him to properly behold it.

By introducing Patel (and Sarita Chowdhury as Morgause) to the visual representation of Arthuriana, the film quietly does away with the “white Middle Ages” cliché that I have complained about ad nauseam; we see background Asian and black members of Camelot, who just exist there without having to conjure up some complicated rationale to explain their presence. The Lady also uses a camera obscura to make Gawain’s portrait. Contrary to those who might howl about anachronism, this technique was known in China as early as the fourth century BCE and the tenth/eleventh century Islamic scholar Ibn al-Haytham was probably the best-known medieval authority to write on it extensively; Latin translations of his work inspired European scientists from Roger Bacon to Leonardo da Vinci. Aside from the symbolism of an upside-down Gawain (and when he sees the portrait again during the ‘fall of Camelot’, it is right-side-up, representing that Gawain himself is in an upside-down world), this presents a subtle challenge to the prevailing Eurocentric imagination of the medieval world, and draws on other global influences.

As for gender, we have briefly touched on it above; in the original SGGK, Gawain’s entire journey is revealed to be just a cruel trick of Morgan Le Fay, simply trying to destabilize Arthur’s court and upset his queen. (Morgan is the old blindfolded woman who appears in the Lord and Lady’s castle and briefly approaches Gawain, but her identity is never explicitly spelled out.) This is, obviously, an implicitly misogynistic setup: an evil woman plays a trick on honorable men for the purpose of upsetting another woman, the honorable men overcome it, the hero survives, and everyone presumably lives happily ever after (at least until Mordred arrives).

Instead, by plunging the outcome into doubt and the hero into a much darker and more fallible moral universe, TGK shifts the blame for Gawain’s adventure and ultimate fate from Morgan to Gawain himself. Likewise, Guinevere is not the passive recipient of an evil deception but in a way, the catalyst for the whole thing. She breaks the seal on the Green Knight’s message with a weighty snap; she becomes the oracle who reads it out, she is alarming rather than alarmed, she disrupts the complacency of the court and silently shows up all the other knights who refuse to step forward and answer the Green Knight’s challenge. Gawain is not given the ontological reassurance that it’s just a practical joke and he’s going to be fine (and thanks to the unresolved ending, neither are we). The film instead takes the concept at face value in order to push the envelope and ask the simple question: if a man was going to be actually-for-real beheaded in a year, why would he set out on a suicidal quest? Would you, in Gawain’s place, make the same decision to cast aside the enchanted belt and accept your fate? Has he made his name, will he be remembered well? What is his legacy?

Indeed, if there is any hint of feminine connivance and manipulation, it arrives in the form of the implication that Gawain’s mother has deliberately summoned the Green Knight to test her son, prove his worth, and position him as his childless uncle’s heir; she gives him the protective belt to make sure he won’t actually die, and her intention all along was for the future shown in the epilogue to truly play out (minus the collapse of Camelot). Only Gawain loses the belt thanks to his cowardice in the encounter with the scavengers, regains it in a somewhat underhanded and morally questionable way when the Lady is attempting to seduce him, and by ultimately rejecting it altogether and submitting to his uncertain fate, totally mucks up his mother’s painstaking dynastic plans for his future. In this reading, Gawain could be king, and his mother’s efforts are meant to achieve that goal, rather than thwart it. He is thus required to shoulder his own responsibility for this outcome, rather than conveniently pawning it off on an “evil woman,” and by extension, the film asks the question: What would the world be like if men, especially those who make war on others as a way of life, were actually forced to face the consequences of their reckless and violent actions? Is it actually a “game” in any sense of the word, especially when chivalric literature is constantly preoccupied with the question of how much glorious violence is too much glorious violence? If you structure social prestige for the king and the noble male elite entirely around winning battles and existing in a state of perpetual war, when does that begin to backfire and devour the knightly class – and the rest of society – instead?

This leads into the central theme of Gawain’s relationships with the Lord and Lady, and how they’re treated in the film. The poem has been repeatedly studied in terms of its latent (and sometimes… less than latent) queer subtext: when the Lord asks Gawain to pay back to him whatever he should receive from his wife, does he already know what this involves; i.e. a physical and romantic encounter? When the Lady gives kisses to Gawain, which he is then obliged to return to the Lord as a condition of the agreement, is this all part of a dastardly plot to seduce him into a kinky green-themed threesome with a probably-not-human married couple looking to spice up their sex life? Why do we read the Lady’s kisses to Gawain as romantic but Gawain’s kisses to the Lord as filial, fraternal, or the standard “kiss of peace” exchanged between a liege lord and his vassal? Is Gawain simply being a dutiful guest by honoring the bargain with his host, actually just kissing the Lady again via the proxy of her husband, or somewhat more into this whole thing with the Lord than he (or the poet) would like to admit? Is the homosocial turning homoerotic, and how is Gawain going to navigate this tension and temptation?

If the question is never resolved: well, welcome to one of the central medieval anxieties about chivalry, knighthood, and male bonds! As I have written about before, medieval society needed to simultaneously exalt this as the most honored and noble form of love, and make sure it didn’t accidentally turn sexual (once again: how much male love is too much male love?). Does the poem raise the possibility of serious disruption to the dominant heteronormative paradigm, only to solve the problem by interpreting the Gawain/Lady male/female kisses as romantic and sexual and the Gawain/Lord male/male kisses as chaste and formal? In other words, acknowledging the underlying anxiety of possible homoeroticism but ultimately reasserting the heterosexual norm? The answer: Probably?!?! Maybe?!?! Hell if we know??! To say the least, this has been argued over to no end, and if you locked a lot of medieval history/literature scholars into a room and told them that they couldn’t come out until they decided on one clear answer, they would be in there for a very long time. The poem seemingly invokes the possibility of a queer reading only to reject it – but once again, as in the question of which canon we end up in at the film’s end, does it?

In some lights, the film’s treatment of this potential queer reading comes off like a cop-out: there is only one kiss between Gawain and the Lord, and it is something that the Lord has to initiate after Gawain has already fled the hall. Gawain himself appears to reject it; he tells the Lord to let go of him and runs off into the wilderness, rather than deal with or accept whatever has been suggested to him. However, this fits with film!Gawain’s pattern of rejecting that which fundamentally makes him who he is; like Peter in the Bible, he has now denied the truth three times. With the scavengers he denies being a knight; with the Lady he denies knowing about courtly love; with the Lord he denies the central bond of brotherhood with his fellows, whether homosocial or homoerotic in nature. I would go so far as to argue that if Gawain does die at the end of the film, it is this rejected kiss which truly seals his fate. In the poem, the Lord and the Green Knight are revealed to be the same person; in the film, it’s not clear if that’s the case, or they are separate characters, even if thematically interrelated. If we assume, however, that the Lord is in fact still the human form of the Green Knight, then Gawain has rejected both his kiss of peace (the standard gesture of protection offered from lord to vassal) and any deeper emotional bond that it can be read to signify. The Green Knight could decide to spare Gawain in recognition of the courage he has shown in relinquishing the enchanted belt – or he could just as easily decide to kill him, which he is legally free to do since Gawain has symbolically rejected the offer of brotherhood, vassalage, or knight-bonding by his unwise denial of the Lord’s freely given kiss. Once again, the film raises the overall thematic and moral question and then doesn’t give one straight (ahem) answer. As with the medieval anxieties and chivalric texts that it is based on, it invokes the specter of queerness and then doesn’t neatly resolve it. As a modern audience, we find this unsatisfying, but once again, the film is refusing to conform to our expectations.

As has been said before, there is so much kissing between men in medieval contexts, both ceremonial and otherwise, that we’re left to wonder: “is it gay or is it feudalism?” Is there an overtly erotic element in Gawain and the Green Knight’s mutual “beheading” of each other (especially since in the original version, this frees the Lord from his curse, functioning like a true love’s kiss in a fairytale). While it is certainly possible to argue that the film has “straightwashed” its subject material by removing the entire sequence of kisses between Gawain and the Lord and the unresolved motives for their existence, it is a fairly accurate, if condensed, representation of the anxieties around medieval knightly bonds and whether, as Carolyn Dinshaw put it, a (male/male) “kiss is just a kiss.” After all, the kiss between Gawain and the Lady is uncomplicatedly read as sexual/romantic, and that context doesn’t go away when Gawain is kissing the Lord instead. Just as with its multiple futurities, the film leaves the question open-ended. Is it that third and final denial that seals Gawain’s fate, and if so, is it asking us to reflect on why, specifically, he does so?

The film could play with both this question and its overall tone quite a bit more: it sometimes comes off as a grim, wooden, over-directed Shakespearean tragedy, rather than incorporating the lively and irreverent tone that the poem often takes. It’s almost totally devoid of humor, which is unfortunate, and the Grim Middle Ages aesthetic is in definite evidence. Nonetheless, because of the comprehensive de-historicizing and the obvious lack of effort to claim the film as any sort of authentic representation of the medieval past, it works. We are not meant to understand this as a historical document, and so we have to treat it on its terms, by its own logic, and by its own frames of reference. In some ways, its consistent opacity and its refusal to abide by modern rules and common narrative conventions is deliberately meant to challenge us: as before, when we recognize Arthur, Merlin, the Round Table, and the other stock characters because we know them already and not because the film tells us so, we have to fill in the gaps ourselves. We are watching the film not because it tells us a simple adventure story – there is, as noted, shockingly little action overall – but because we have to piece together the metatext independently and ponder the philosophical questions that it leaves us with. What conclusion do we reach? What canon do we settle in? What future or resolution is ultimately made real? That, the film says, it can’t decide for us. As ever, it is up to future generations to carry on the story, and decide how, if at all, it is going to survive.

(And to close, I desperately want them to make my much-coveted Bisclavret adaptation now in more or less the same style, albeit with some tweaks. Please.)