#like I don’t feel like have to walk on eggshells or anything posting about a fandom for once

[candyheartedchy]

Self shipping with a character that only a tiny handful of people recognize even though the show the f/o is from had not only two seasons but also a theatrical movie and sadly no active fandom is kinda sad since there’s literally no one to ramble about this franchise to. And I know the self ship itself would be confusing to folks since the series is apparently obscure to most and you would have to watch the show and movie to understand the lore. But at the same time I don’t have to deal with fandom drama so I guess it’s a win-win situation.

[citricacidprince]

Could you draw that "I trust you" scene with Mabel and Stan but with the relativity AU? (The stan twins and pine twins swap ages au)

OF COURSE, I WILL GLADLY DRAW THEM!!! 💥💥💥

I’m gonna post a long winded thesis about my thoughts on this AU, my take on the AU, and two additional arts under the cut because ooooh boy it’s a tad bit long lol. Also, please please forgive the formatting, I’m writing this all on the fly and it’s extremely disjointed, sorry- 💥

I know there’s the ‘canon’ Relativity AU designs and character dynamics, however I don’t really like them that much ngl. I feel like it mostly just ends up with ‘Mabel and Dipper get switched with Stan and Ford with no nuances once so ever’ and that BLOWS!!! There’s so much potential there and no one is playing with it!! YOU GUYS DON’T EVEN HAVE MABEL PRETENDING TO BE DIPPER, WHATS THE POINT????

Not only that but I feel like making Dipper and Mabel’s dynamic just Ford and Stan’s when they’re adults is a HUGE simplification of their characters. Like, Mabel and Dipper fight, but they don’t fight like Stan and Ford, they’re not as hard headed and stubborn. Mabel would commit some crimes yes, but I don’t believe she would get into some of the heavy shit Stan had in his past. I refuse to believe Mr. Dipper ‘Undiagnosed Anxiety Disorder’ Pines would fall for Bill’s flattery as easily as Ford did.

The Pines Twins are very different from the Mystery Twins. Mabel and Dipper didn’t grow up with a father constantly comparing the two and pinning them against each other, outright telling one kid they��ll always be a failure while the other is going to have the burden of making their family rich. They never had that tension. They wouldn’t be walking on eggshells around eachother as adults.

I know that makes the concept sound boring to some, ‘Where’s the fun in the AU if you take away the sibling fighting’. You cowards, you can still have it, young Stan and Ford are RIGHT THERE. During the second half of the show when Dipper comes back through the portal, instead of having the older set of twins, something that doesn’t male sense with their characters, have a building tension that’s going to explode soon and keep it between Stan and Ford, don’t take it away from them. If anything, I think taking away the resentment and anger growing between the two and giving it to Mabel and Dipped is a butchering of all the characters.

Sure that means some of the episodes would have to change or be completely erased, but that’s fine!!! Make up some new ones!!! Get silly with it!!!

Mabel and Dipper talk about feelings, Stan and Ford don’t. Mabel and Dipper can’t stay mad at each other, Stan and Ford will try and stay mad for decades because being angry is easier than being upset.

In my idea of this AU that fight at the end of Weirdmageddon HAS to be between Stan and Ford, and Stan HAS to still be the one getting his memories erased.

💥 Post Not-What-He-Seems Relativity AU Rambling Below 💥

Dipper is a paranoid man, fool him once you’re never going to fool him again. He would never in a million years ever work with Bill again. Ford however is an extremely lonely child, both he and his brother are desperate for any type of positive attention. I think Bill would see him as a potential protege, especially since Ford is a ‘freak’ like he is and the kid is extremely smart for his age. He’s malleable, Bill probably thinks he could shape him uo to be the perfect lackey.

Ford, being the lonely kid he is, probably does fall for the praise initially. He craves attention and Bill pushes all the right buttons and says all the right words, tries and gains his trust even if time has proven again and again that he shouldn’t be trusting the demon.

The tension between the Stan Twins would grow after Grunkle Dipper comes back because Ford is upset that Stan didn’t listen to him (even if it was for the best that he did) and that Grunkle Dipper forgave Graunty Mabel so easily because if Ford was in those shoes he wouldn’t have. It grows more and more as Ford becomes distant and Stan tries to connect with his brother to no avail. Which, of course, comes to a boiling point when Ford says he’s going to stay in Gravity Falls and learn under Grunkle Dipper. Stan is rightfully upset. He can’t go back to New Jersey by himself. It’s always just been the two of them, he needed Ford, he couldn’t handle school or their father by himself. He can’t be alone.

Unlike Mabel who just wanted one more day of summer, Stan wishes that he wouldn’t be alone, which indirectly causes Weirdmaggendon.

Stan’s prison bubble would probably be a fake New Jersey-esc town full of a bunch of little Stans running around. Town O’ Stan. A place where no Stan is left behind.

Ford says some nice words to Stan there to get him outta there but there is still this intense tension between the two.

During the Cipher Wheel Ford is the one who tackles Stan. The two fight, whining out hurtful words neither of them mean and only stop when Bill shows up and captures them. Graunty Mabel and Grunkle Dipper run off and distract Cipher in hopes that they can keep the attention on themselves long enough that their great nephews could come up with a plan to escape.

The younger twins don’t find a way out and instead, finally, have an actual talk about their feelings, one that definitely ends up in tears as the two talk about the pressure that’s put on them or how worthless they feel. After that the boys get a rush of determination to escape when Stanley has a plan. Ford immediately hates the plan but Stan insists that they do it, in his own words, ‘Let me prove I can do something right for once.’

When Bill comes back and threatens to kill either Mabel or Dipper just for the hell of it, Ford calls out that he’d like to make a deal.

He wants to work with Bill, let Bill into his mind willingly. Bill immediately jumps on that offer. Ford is a promising young kid, perfect henchmaniac potential, not to mention it would absolutely devastate Dipper is his great nephew willingly turned to Bill’s side.

He goes into Ford’s head, revealing Stanley just in time to reveal that he was trapped, panicking as he was erased with a swift left-hook along with a kid who was happy to prove he was good for something after all.

Everyone was devastated after Weirdmaggedon of course, a child had his mind completely wiped. Stanford took it the worst, he just managed to finally break down those words that others built in his head, that he was too good for Stanley or that he didn’t need a knucklehead like him dumbing down his brain, and now his brother was gone. Just like that.

We all know what happens after this, Stan gets his memory back, everyone celebrates and the Stan twins are sent home, promising each other that they’ll never let anyone try and tear them apart ever again. Dipper and Mabel stay at the shack, after all, all they could ever want is there, where else could they possibly go?

Sorry this was… extremely rambly and long, I am extremely tired and can’t think straight I have a bunch more ideas and concepts so if anyone’s desperately wants to hear them just ask I guess, sorry you read this dumb of ass essay haha 💥

[killerlittlerejects]

Why I No Longer Support Anton Morrow Or Blessed Be The Wicked

Okay, we're finally doing this. As always: Do NOT harass anyone involved. This is not what this post is for.

So, this has been a long time coming. I know I keep repeatedly saying that I don’t wanna cause drama but at this point? It’s not even a drama anymore. There’s a glaring issue that’s been circulating the fandom for a while, and up until now, people have either been ignoring it completely or are too scared to say anything at all — which is understandable. I’m frankly scared to be finally making this post. But with most of the fandom beginning to speak up on this, now is a better time than ever. 

You’ve all most likely seen my latest, very angry, Jeff rant post, and some of you might have already put together as to who it was about: Anton Morrow, the creator of Blessed be the Wicked.

If any of you remember the whole “mistype” situation that happened in 2024 revolving around BBTW, you already know I have gotten into a bit of a spat with him before. Then it was all cleared up, and we were chill. But now, with all that’s been happening, I’m starting to question that situation as well.

When it comes to creepypasta, you gotta acknowledge and respect both sides of the fandom, because more often than not, they tie together. Anton, however, doesn’t do this at all, creating a space where people feel unsafe and uncomfortable like they have to walk on eggshells. 

We are not mad at the fact that you are trying to make BBTW horrifying, grotesque, and realistic. In fact, a LOT of people were hyped for your project. No, we’re mad that you have to be an asshole about it. Shaming anything that doesn’t fit into your view of what a character SHOULD be, hating on the fandom way more than you claim to love it, villainizing characters that should not be villainized, like Jane, who’s a VICTIM of Jeff, not doing proper research (apparently not knowing that Clockwork was an SA victim despite her being your “favorite character”), being a fucking hypocrite (hating shock value yet using it in your work as well), and most of all, claiming to be bringing back the old roots of Creepypasta when you don’t even understand or know what those roots are. 

This fandom has ALWAYS been cringy, weird, and unrealistic. I mean, we have a tall faceless man in the woods, a magical black and white clown, and a guy whose skin turned completely white because of BLEACH. This fandom was never realistic! 

You can only use the “I mistyped” or “you all misunderstood me” excuse so many times.

Are you telling me you didn’t mean ANY of this?

Like, if I recall, David Near’s, MBK’s, Pastra’s, AND Ekatlani’s Jeff’s are NOT soft boys at all. But you refuse to acknowledge that, don’t you? Because even if they are closer to what you claim to be looking for within a Jeff rewrite, you still hate them because they weren’t what YOU THINK the character could be. 

But somehow, that’s not even the worst part. No, the worst thing has to be what you’ve done to Leech. Characters change, I understand that. My personal gripe with her not being the character I initially was excited for anymore is just my personal bias. What’s NOT, however, is the relationship you’ve put her in with Tyrant. 

Now, I’m all for toxic relationships. I’ve written them myself, but this? This is straight-up fucking grooming. It’s non-consensual, and you straight-up called Tyrant PREDATORY. 

And the fact that you tried to edit your post to hide what you said first tells me all I need to know.

Not to mention, you continuously like to bring up how much YOUNGER she is than the other two (Context: She's in a poly relationship with Tyrant and a character named Marc)

This goes past a toxic relationship, this is straight up fucking CREEPY. You admit that Tyrant is using his VICTIM, cause that’s what she fucking is, as a way to feel like he’s not all the negative, that “he deserves love.” No. Just no. 

I’m disappointed. Tired, angry, and disappointed. I thought you were a cool guy, Anton. I thought all of you were cool. I was genuinely excited for Blessed Be The Wicked, as I’m sure a lot of the fandom was. But you showed your true colors the moment your project began to get popular. 

Not so politely, fuck you. And if all you can do is complain about is the fandom having fun, fuck off. 

[coffinclownery]

Okay so I saw the posts talking about the preview before I was able to watch it myself and I wanted to note some things that hasn’t been mentioned as much.

First off the reason Andrew snapped so harshly was this sentence.

It barely even implies anything, it’s a phrase with no backbone. Not even saying anything about the siblings relationship specifically, just the “situation” being a little off. The vaguest of sentences is what causes Andrew to snap.

Then the slamming of the phone. It’s one thing to be told he slammed the phone, but when it’s the only sound effect it really emphasizes how hard he slams it.

I talked about how much easier it is to sympathize with Julia than Ashley because Julia’s nice when posting on main, but that doesn’t mean I don’t feel for Julia! Every time we see her poor girl is always walking on eggshells, and it’s definitely something she learned through how she’s treated. Don’t know if it’s from a family situation, her dead childhood friend, her current very volatile “friend” who happens to be her boyfriend’s sister, or her boyfriend himself. Maybe it’s a combination of all these factors, it’s too early to say. I’m getting “last girl in slasher film” vibes and I really don’t appreciate it!

Then there’s this face. He wasn’t planning on snapping, but he’s used to snapping at Ashley this way. Since Ashley’s the personification of a snapping turtle and is guaranteed to reply with a snarky comment he doesn’t see the issue. But here he’s reminded that Julia isn’t like Ashley. And I don’t think this is the first time he’s made this mistake, where he treated Julia like Ashley and had to backtrack.

Of course, instead of admitting to his mistake he throws the responsibility onto Julia’s shoulders, it was her words that made him snap. And Julia, who already was on eggshells before this moment, has to be the one to apologize for something she didn’t even so much as imply.

Andrew literally could have stopped at “It wasn’t a fight” and left it, but he just had to add the second half. He’ll forgive her, implying she’s done something that required his forgiveness. It’s not surprising that Julia breaks up with him after he’s quarantined, in a place where he couldn’t as easily smoothed things over with a peck on the forehead.

At this point Andrew is clearly talking about Ashley and imagining her in his arms. His eyes are literally glazing over and we deliberately can’t see Julia’s face in frame anymore. He might have caused Julia to feel responsible, but make no mistake, he’s once again blaming Ashley for what happened. He’s forgiving Ashley for causing this rift, not Julia. But when Julia tries to respond-

He covers her mouth. If she talks it breaks the illusion that it’s Ashley. This is the part I wished people talked more about, the fact that he literally silences her so he could continue to fantasize. Shudders man. Shudders.

In the words of Ashley Graves in Chapter 1

[saerins]

⋆୨ chapter five ୧˚ if not for this love of mine

⋆୨ if not for you (masterlist) ⋆୨ previous: chapter four - behind a box of reasons why <> next: chapter six - redefines in every way what love is ୧˚

⋆୨ synopsis ୧˚ neither of you want this. both you and sae reluctantly agree to this marriage, although sae’s dissatisfaction far outweighs your own. with hidden agendas and old flames, will this ever work out between the two of you, or will your forced spark be doomed to fail?

ೀ series: sae x f!reader | wc 5k | ೀ content warnings: fluff/angst, modern au, arranged marriage, rich!sae and rich!reader, jealousy/paranoia, third parties, manipulation, slightly suggestive | notes: since mirin is everyone’s favourite , i decided to give her a little more screen time ^_< hehehe

It’s a pain. It’s torture.

You’re not sure why you’re like this, but you wish you weren’t. If only you weren’t so wishy washy. If only you could confront Sae like a normal person would then maybe this would all be simpler. But sadly, you don’t do normal—you do stupid and you do idiotic because that night, after you’ve just found out that Mirin of all people had been in your house (because you’d recognise that table anywhere), you don’t ask Sae straight up.

Eggshells. You’re walking on eggshells around the topic, trying to get Sae to cough it up himself.

After all, she didn’t just post that one story apparently. She posted a few more after that, conspicuously typing some white hearts over it, or other things like days like this are the best >>> or just like the old days 🤍 which makes you want to punch her through the phone. 

“So, what’d you do today?” You are always genuinely curious about his day, but having a hidden agenda for the question tonight makes you feel a little guilty.

On Sae’s part, he’s generally disinterested in talking about himself, as usual, which is now not quite working in your favour. He shrugs, wiping the countertop since he accidentally spilled some water on it beforehand.

“Nothing much, stayed home, still feel like shit.”

Right, because that morning he’d told you he seemed to have gone down with a cold. To be fair, his nose was running and he had puffy eyes. His nose is still kind of red now but then you wonder if he’d intended to invite Mirin over, then.

“Oh, so… nothing interesting happened?”

Your tone seems a little off, and Sae picks up on it, turning around with his brows furrowed. “Yeah, why do you ask?”

If you were smart, you’d cough it up yourself. But no, you aren’t because you’d been over this—you’re stupid and idiotic and dumb, so dumb. So instead, you force a smile and shake your head.

“Just curious, that’s all,” you brush it off, effectively losing your chance to ask Sae about it anymore (for now).

Nothing really escapes Sae, though, because he knows something is off, but he’s not a mind reader. And maybe it’s because despite getting so much closer recently, neither of you have actually spoken about your actual deep feelings that there’s uncertainty in the air between the two of you.

He takes a seat across from you, dinner already finished, nothing else but the sound of the television playing the news in the background. Sae doesn’t really do anything but look you in the eyes, as though he’s searching for answers to his unspoken question.

“What is it?” You ask, shirking slightly under his innocent stare.

This time, Sae’s the one shaking his head, though he’s still looking into your eyes. “You can tell me anything if you ever need to, okay?”

Sae’s given you permission. He doesn’t know what it is, for sure, but he has. So then you start wondering to yourself: why are you so scared?

“You are so dumb.”

“I know!” You have your head in your hands, groaning as you feel Reo’s deathly judgey stare upon you.

It’s been a week since you found out about Mirin being over at your house, and you still haven’t found the guts to ask Sae about it straight. And thanks to Sumi, you’ll be the first to know if Mirin ever posts about being inside your house again. (So far there’s nothing.)

Reo’s been busy the past week, but now that he’s heard your predicament, he’s cursing himself for not making time. He didn’t think it was this bad. Knowing you, you must’ve been overthinking yourself to sleep, even if Sae is right there beside you.

He sighs, pensive as he watches you spiral. You’re whining incoherently and babbling on about being stupid and hating this Mirin girl. You’re definitely head over heels for Sae by now and there’s a bittersweet feeling building up inside Reo. But he’s nothing if not the best friend ever so he shoves his personal feelings aside.

“But really, if Sae told me that, I’d ‘fess up straight away. I don’t think he’d care if you told him you stalked Mirin’s story,” Reo tells you, hoping it’ll give you the small push you need to just talk to him.

Sighing, you look up at Reo, eyes hidden behind your hair and got you looking straight out of a horror film. Reo would usually tease you for this, but considering your emotions right now, he spares you the agony of having to listen to him poke fun at you.

“I don’t know,” you groan, dragging out the last syllable.

It’s an entire mix of reasons, honestly.

One, you’re too scared to ask him because you’re afraid it’s true. It’s a stupid reason, but you’re beginning to feel like this marriage is hopeful (ironically) and you want this to work so bad that you don’t want anything to ruin this. If you could just make the problem go away silently, wouldn’t it work too? You don’t want to risk having one single argument with Sae that would lead you back to square one.

Two, every instance of communication that you’ve brought up since you were young convinces you otherwise. Nothing you’ve ever raised to your parents has given you the safety that you so sought. All you ever got in return for telling on someone who bullied you or complaining that the tea is too hot and it burns your tongue or confiding in your mum that their business partner seems shady was a tight slap on the cheek or public humiliation. Sae is neither of your parents, but that’s the interesting thing about being raised that way—it’s hard to snap out of it.

There are probably more excuses you can offer, but you’re too tired to think about them. It’s been too many sleepless nights, ending only with you waking up for work like a zombie. Sumi’s been trying her best to keep your energy up, always getting you coffee and perking you up in between tasks but it’s hard to get your mind off it.

Sensing that you’re going off the deep edge, Reo sucks in a deep breath.

“You mentioned that everything was going well with him, right?” Reo asks you, and you nod, albeit like a sad little puppy. “You said that the honeymoon ended in a rocky way, but then in the end, Sae made you feel comfortable, didn’t he? Like you could feel that it could work?”

Those are all things you mentioned to him today during the catch up, yeah.

“What are you getting at, Reo?”

He averts his gaze, hesitant. “Y/N, why’d you ask to meet at my place? Why not our usual hangout?”

You’d planned to keep your lips sealed about that, but looks like it doesn’t escape Reo’s notice. Giving up, you confess.

“Remember the last time we met? Apparently, someone snapped a pic of us in a misleading angle and, well, my parents confronted me about it—I don’t even know how they fucking got it, maybe they have a PI on me or something but urgh,” you say in one breath, sidetracking. “But yeah, anyway, Sae didn’t see the picture and I guess… I just wanted to avoid any misunderstandings.”

Reo listens to you, a full face of seriousness, before leaning back against his chair, facepalming himself. “Oh god the two of you are just two idiots.”

Straightening up, you look at your best friend, wide-eyed. “Okay you need to tell me what’s going on.”

“Okay look, I don’t know what’s going on with this Mirin chick, okay? But what I do know is…” Reo trails off, knowing that he’s absolutely pushing you to Sae, losing his own chance forever. But then again, he’s already lost. “Sae really cares about you.”

You stay silent, wondering what on earth led Reo to that conclusion when he barely knows your husband.

“Remember that night you called when you were in Korea?” Reo asks, and you recall that he was too busy to pick up. Not entirely out of pocket. You nod. “Actually… I was talking to Sae.”

“Huh?”

That was not the information you’d expected, so you can only stare at Reo dumbly, waiting for him to elaborate.

“That night, he called me, saying that you had been acting weird and he thinks you’re upset and especially that night in particular.” You’re not sure why hearing that sounds surreal to you. “He was asking me how best to comfort you.”

There’s a lot of things you want Reo to elaborate on, but all you can keep thinking of is the fact that Sae made that much effort to try and console you, even when he didn’t know what was going on. It’s a far cry from the guy who initially told you you essentially meant nothing to him.

You didn’t even notice it, but Reo’s already shifted himself, sitting beside you, his hands on your shoulders. 

“Listen, I don’t know if he’s over his ex or not, I really don’t,” Reo tells you honestly, but his grip is firm on you, “but I really don’t think his feelings for you are fake.”

It sounds funny hearing this from Reo, somehow.

“I just think… maybe you should try to talk to him?” Reo suggests, although you knew that. He only serves to further convince you. “Otherwise, are you sure you want to send this marriage to its end like this?”

Reo’s words sit with you the whole ride home.

The worst part is he’s right. If you don’t talk to Sae, then you’ll just end up gradually drifting apart from him. Then where would the marriage go? You doubt Sae would’ve ever thought that you saw Mirin’s story and started acting cold because of it.

Besides, if you’re letting yourself be hopeful, maybe Sae didn’t tell you about it because it was insignificant. (You know it’s a stupid excuse especially when your husband invited his ex over to the house but you’re trying to hold on to hope.)

Relenting to fate, you text Reo.

you’re right, i’ll try talking to him…

You immediately get a text back.

you can do it! lmk if you need anything ok? 

You just give his message a thumbs up because you’re too nervous to form any more sentences. At the very least, there’s comfort in knowing that your best friend will always be here for you.

Judging by the time, half past eight at night, you’re sure Sae’s already home, probably flipping through the channels because there never seems to be anything that he wants to watch. It’s just the way he is; you like the intimacy of knowing that. That means you need to figure out what to say before you even get there. Preparation is key—because you don’t want to space out when it’s time to talk to him.

So that’s exactly what you do.

By the time you reach your front door, you’ve rehearsed your opening line a hundred times, and your heart’s pounding out of your chest. 

But of course, none of that means anything when you open the door and still space out because now, guess what’s the only thing you can think about?

Why the fuck did you open the door to see Mirin at your bedroom entrance?

There it is—the blank. It’s creating a gaping hole in your head. Because not only is Mirin here in the flesh, dressed head to toe in designer labels and looking like a model out of a magazine, she’s noticed you too now, and she’s looking at you without an ounce of guilt. All she’s doing right now is staring back at you, her listless face forming into a smile.

That’s not the worst thing, though. You notice her lips: smudged mauve lipstick in the corners, looking heavily like she just made out with someone.

“Oh hi! You must be Y/N, right?” She greets, holding out her hand that you really just want to slap away but you don’t—best not to fuck with the iceberg, or tip the boat or whatever that phrase is because you can’t think properly at all right now. “I’m Seto Mirin,” she introduces as you shake her hand.

You can’t even say hi before you hear the familiar click open of your bathroom doors, inside the master bedroom where Mirin has just been waiting outside of.

Out comes Sae, as though he’d been rushing, his collar a mess and his hair slightly wet. Has he been washing his face? When he comes face to face with you, you nearly scoff because he’s missed a spot: on his neck. Because he’s slightly taller than her. It checks out.

His usual nonchalance is replaced with perplexity, like he’s unsure what to say to you. It’s fine though, because you’re not sure if you can take what he wants to tell you.

“Should we go, babe?” Mirin asks Sae, and all you see is red. Sae turns to her to speak but she cuts him off, turning her attention to you. “It’s nice meeting you!” Her fingers wrap around Sae’s wrist, pulling him with her to the door before either of you know it.

You’re stuck staring into your bedroom at nothing, too stunned to even speak. Is this really happening right now? Just when you resolve to speak to Sae about it, the problem shows up right underneath your nose. It sucks even more that just looking at her face makes you think back to all those photos he kept of the two of them, kept safe wherever it is now because evidently, he’s moved it away from its original hiding place since he asked you to sleep in the same room with him.

A hand on the back of your neck brings you back to the present, and you realise that he’s here, looking at you apologetically that you’re halfway expecting him to say sorry and that he’s leaving you.

He doesn’t.

What he does do is look you in the eyes, and you’re not even sure you recognise those teal hues of his anymore. Maybe you don’t want to.

“Hey it’s nothing okay, this is nothing, so wait for me to come back?” Sae is genuinely asking because for the first time since you met him, you can feel the worry and tension in his voice. As if he sort of expects you to already think of running.

When you don’t say anything, Sae’s grip on you loosens, and he asks, softly, like a whisper, “do you trust me?”

Part of you would like to scream at him, to ask him how dare he ask you that when all of this is happening right now. When he’s never once given you any sort of warning about Mirin? When, if you’d never happened to see that little black box in the first place that you’d be caught completely off guard right now?

“I don’t know, Sae. Can I?”

Sae swallows the lump in his throat. For once, you’re the one who sounds cold. But he supposes that he deserves that. “Look, I’ll explain everything when I get back later okay? Please, just- I know I haven’t earned it after today, but just trust me, okay?”

You don’t offer any assurance or answers. You don’t move at all. Not until Sae hesitantly leaves, the ding of the elevator all you hear until it closes, and their pair of footsteps disappear and that’s when you get to the closet, grab a bag full of essentials and don your leather coat, turn off your phone and then leave.

This is all way too much for one day.

You should really count your blessings that you have money handy. The amount in your joint account is untouched, because you don’t want Sae figuring out where you are. At least you have your own credit card.

What you need now is time. Some time to yourself to figure all of this out; what exactly is left for you here, whether you can circumnavigate out of the sticky situation with your parents if you do end up calling this off.

As you toss your bag onto the bed, you look out at the expensive view below you. It’s not so beautiful when you’re in a bad mood.

There’s a knock on your door, and you find a dark-haired man dressed in a tailor-made suit at your door.

“Is there anything I can offer you, ma’am? Perhaps a glass of wine or anything from our restaurant?”

He looks familiar but you see a lot of faces everyday so you don’t even bother. You shake your head. “No that’s fine, I’d just like to be left alone tonight, so.”

Seemingly understanding, he nods curtly. “Very well, have a good night, Mrs Itoshi.”

Mrs Itoshi. You’re not even sure why it’s become a habit to sign off as Mrs Itoshi. Considering the projectile at which your marriage is at danger of crumbling down from, you really need to kick the habit.

Sighing, you plop yourself down on the bed, looking around at the suite you booked for yourself. It’s petty of you, you know that, to book yourself the most expensive suite available at the last minute, at one of the most expensive hotels in all of Japan. But you’re heartbroken, so you give yourself a pass.

At the very least, you’d thought that being alone tonight would give you some peace of mind, but all it does is make your head swim with thoughts about what Sae and Mirin must be up to. Are they kissing each other right now? Because that must’ve been interrupted earlier when you waltzed back into your own home right? Or maybe they’re just like you, in an expensive suite somewhere else, getting ready to do—

You shake your head, irritated at yourself and your inability to stop thinking about Sae. Fuck, maybe a walk around the park downstairs would take your mind off it. You’ve always liked nice sceneries, especially up close—maybe that’ll work.

And it does, to a certain extent.

With the chilly air blowing in your face, the cold of the night somehow so much more inviting than the warmth of the empty hotel room. All you could think about in there was the fact that the last time you’d been to a hotel was during your little honeymoon trip.

It’s a nice park right outside the hotel, one of the most touristy areas in the city, where couples like to take pictures together against the backdrop of the giant heart in the middle of the vicinity, or where schoolgirls like to frequent after school armed with their cup noodles and their girlfriends.

An hour later, maybe two, you find yourself sitting on one of the benches facing the river, enjoying your time thinking about nothing at all. It’s the most peaceful your mind’s been in a while. In a long time, actually. Maybe comparable to before the news of having to get married was ever broken to you.

You miss it, somehow. The absence of problems. Especially ones that relate to a third party. Sure, you had your parents to deal with, but you always had that problem. Come to think of it, you don’t think you’ve ever had anyone stand up to them for you like Sae did. Not even Reo, only because he thought it would just make matters worse if he did. Still, Sae’s exceeded your expectations many times.

It all seems like such a waste now.

You stare at your lifeless phone. You can’t even switch it on even if you wanted to because it’s properly dead. Not that it’s any use anyway. You don’t want to speak to anyone. Not even Reo. But you wonder if Sae even bothers enough to check in with you while he’s out doing god knows what with you know who.

There is something you feel like you urgently need to do, though.

So you borrow a phone from a nice stranger, seems like a couple who’s on vacation from Hokkaido. You dial the number you’d been trained since a kid to remember.

“Mr Ishiro? This is Y/N.”

Mr Ishiro, your ever trusty family lawyer who would be able to get you out of any sticky situation you ever needed. God knows what went through your parents’ minds when they asked you to memorise his number. Did they think you would somehow do some illegal shit in the future that needed some bailing out of?

“I know this isn’t typically what you do, but um, I need help with some divorce papers and I’d appreciate it if you didn’t tell my parents yet—”

“Do you mean your parents—”

“Haven’t approved of it? No, of course not,” you cut him off, just wanting his agreement to it more than anything. Everything else can be discussed once he has it drafted.

“Y/N, I don’t know—”

“Please, I just need those divorce papers drafted—”

But the phone is swiftly taken from you, and you’re about to apologise for taking too long, except you realise the one who took it from you isn’t even the owner but your husband.

Your husband. Itoshi Sae. Right in front of you, face red and panting as though he’s been running in the cold.

He hands the phone back to the kind strangers, thanking them and waiting for them to go before he turns back to you, his face utterly devoid of emotions. You’re not sure why he’s here, and you’re not sure why it seems like he’s been running all the way over here to find you.

“Divorce?” He asks, and there’s a smidget of incredulity in his tone.

It doesn’t make you back down. 

“You don’t have to explain anything. I’ll get my lawyer to draft out the papers and—”

“He’s not going to draft out anything,” Sae interjects, keeping his voice down. At this time of night, there are still lots of people around, and you guess he wants to spare both of you the humiliation of being caught in a public argument.

You have to avoid looking him in the eyes; if you catch even a sliver of concern in them then you might waver and that’s the opposite of your desired effect.

“Look, I’m sorry but you’re going to have to work it out with your parents or something because I’m not cut out for this, okay?”

Sae doesn’t move, and he doesn’t speak too soon. He lets your words sink in before asking, “not cut out for what, exactly?”

You think it’s cruel how he wants to make you spell it out. 

This time, you look him in the eyes. He’s inching closer to you, and his cold facade is breaking. He still looks very much like the person you fell in love with.

“I just think that…” God, it hurts to say it out. “I get that neither of us wanted this. That we both had no other options. But… I can’t just go about everyday pretending I’m fine if my on-paper husband is out everyday dating his ex that he can’t get over.”

Sae’s brows furrow for a second before he heaves a deep sigh, moving towards you, one of his hands extending to the top of your head, gently placing it there before he pulls you in for a hug.

“I’m sorry,” he says, softly, relief easing his shoulders when you don’t pull away in retaliation.

While there’s no more anger left in you, something that’s much too easily seeped away with his mere hug, what’s left is confusion. Confusion, because you’re not sure what he’s apologising for.

“I’m sorry but you’re stuck with me.”

Still. Only. Confusion.

Is this Sae’s way of refusing you? Is this his way of being a tyrant?

You pull yourself away, pushing him back in the process.

“So what? You wanna continue this charade? Fool our parents and have me cover for you while you keep a mistress on the down-low?” Sae’s mouth opens but you don’t give him the time of day to speak. “Look, I get I’ll never be her but that’s too much, Sae. It’s too much to ask of me.”

There are no words to describe how you feel; it’s everything all at once. Disappointment, confusion, surprise, and worst of all is that there’s still that little speck of optimism inside you that wants to wish for the best. But you know best that all that is is an excuse for disappointment to work its way back around again.

That’s why you don’t even let him finish calling out your name before you run back towards the hotel, where you came from. Yeah, that should be a good plan—just run back, get to your suite and lock the doors. Maybe on a little television to drown out your thoughts.

Behind you, you hear the sound of boots clacking against the cobblestone path, and you know that it’s Sae because… you just know. You’d know him by any sound and any scent—you’ve fallen hopelessly for Sae and you were an idiot to think that he could’ve possibly felt it too because this is the real world, the world outside your head, and in this world, Itoshi Sae is in love with someone else who’s infinitely prettier, probably smarter too, and who’s had so much history with him that you can never even dream of replacing.

A thousand more winters with Sae would probably never replace his youth with her.

And just when you think your night can’t get any worse, you’re barely back at the hotel entrance when you spot the familiar wavy hair, the familiar pair of eyes that haunt you whenever you remember their pictures together.

But there’s something that renders you speechless, a sight you never expected to see—there are tears in her eyes.

Mirin is in front of you, just a few steps away, puffy red eyes and contorted facial expression, yoghourt in hand, half open and nothing makes sense to you right now, because the next thing you know, she’s flung the pack of half-eaten yoghurt at you, the whites staining your coat.

“You… you bitch!”

It reflects so much of what you’re thinking that you nearly thought you were the one saying it. But it’s Mirin. And she’s angry and upset and crying and you’re utterly, completely confused.

“Wait, what are—”

The next thing you know, Mirin is storming towards you, her hands grabbing your coat collar, yanking at it while she’s hurling profanities at you.

“It’s all your fucking fault, I wish you’d just disappear already!” Mirin’s crying and sobbing between her words and usually you’d feel bad for someone who’s in this state but you’re not. Not when she’s painting you a bitch, a whore, a slut and whatever else she’s calling you.

Sae stands in front of you when he gets there, and you recall him telling you about how he got hurt and there’s a little bit of guilt there. He pushes Mirin away from you, his first course of action being to assess whether you’re hurt.

“Hey, are you okay?”

This all hurts, though not in the way that he’s looking at.

You just nod. Your head’s in a mess, you don’t really know what else to do.

As everyone around you stares at the scene, the hotel manager from earlier strolls out, hands in his pockets, an unbothered aura surrounding him. He merely bows and apologises to everyone, urging them to move on and that this is just a small disturbance, nothing worth their time.

Before you can even thank him, he gives Sae a look that seemingly says yikes before turning to Mirin, opening his mouth before realising that she’s still glaring at you, and then deciding to avert his initial plan to speak to her. This time, he chooses to look at you next. The calmer of the two.

“Hey Mrs Itoshi, you alright?”

“She’s fine, Karasu,” Sae answers for you, holding you close, even if some of the yoghurt is getting on his coat.

Karasu shoots you a grin—this must be why Sae’s here. He must’ve tipped him off. And now you finally remember where you’ve seen him, among Oliver’s instagram pictures as the nameless friend you’d yet to meet.

Sae only needs to nod at him for him to understand what he needs to do, namely, be a distraction for Mirin or to take her away—either way, it’s to leave the two of you alone with each other.

Once Karasu forcefully drags Mirin away, Sae fully turns to you, putting his own coat around your own.

“It’s fine, the hotel’s right there so I can—”

“Don’t leave,” Sae blurts out, and you don’t think you’ve ever heard him be so gentle, so genuine. You think he probably means not to leave him, but you don’t want to get ahead of yourself.

“Sae, what’s going on?” You ask, sighing, your head pounding after an inconceivable few hours.

He hesitates for a while before ultimately proposing a compromise. “If I tell you everything you want to know, could you reconsider the whole divorce thing?”

It’s not that hard for you to agree to this time, because there’s so much more that you want answers to than you initially thought, and besides—Sae said to reconsider, not that you still couldn't flat out do it anyway. It’s a win-win, at least for you.

But just when you think you have your emotions under control, all it takes is a simple kiss on your temple and the words that Sae whispers in your ear to catch you off guard.

“Good, because I’m in love with my wife, and I don’t want her to leave me.”

taglist: @kimvmarvel @mxplesyrvp @yuzurins @futuristicxie @kiopanxp @k0z3me @y-sabell-a @sae1toshilover @xoxojisu @karmatiz @sagejin @minnieminnie00-got7 @hearts4heidi @shiinobu-x @n1uh @prepchuu @leeyzhuo @shidouryusm @tsukishiro-yue2402 @kaiserkisser @pookiebearcave @dcvilxswish @saeskiss @whtflrr @arminseas @raphsimp @saharei @danibxe @lectris00 @comet-kun @ishitam67 @gskill @sweet2wthsblog @astruoise @scaraslover @beaniedoodz @bersuadikotatua @idk-bro-gay @etoiile @sanzu-sanzu-sanzu @yourstrulyharu @noimnotttt @tinyfurytaco @bxddiebloss @biaonww **bolded: means i can’t tag you guys because of your settings >_<

[slowlyoats]

The Lost Boys: When they break up with or are broken up with by their S/O

******Note: This post definitely makes the boys come off super toxic, so if that's not your thing you've been warned******

Marko 

I could see him being the one to break Hearts

His artsy fartsy ways of doing things aren’t for everyone 

And he’s a bit of hot head, so I could see him starting fights with his S/O over nothing 

I think his S/O would feel like they were walking around on eggshells whenever they were around Marko and it would become to much eventually 

He can be so thoughtful and genuine with his S/O, but then in another moment be so cruel 

He gets bored easily, and will just stop hanging out with you mid relationship because he just not “inspired anymore”

I think he is the type of person to not care about who does the breaking up either 

If you want to break up with him? Fine. He doesn’t care, and to prove that point he will throw any belongings of yours that you left in cave, right into the ocean

If he sees you on the boardwalk, and you try to talk to him? He will pretend like he never met you before and introduce himself. 

Yep, he's that type of asshole 

He’s not afraid to break things off himself either

Except when he does it full of theatrical flare, and usually ends in blood 

Paul

I Think most of his break ups were do to him being a little bit of a player

It’s not his fault that when he sees a beautiful woman walking down the boardwalk he checks them out!

Or that when you two were at a party he lets some other randoms grind on him

The worst part is that he won’t take responsibility for it either 

He will just blame it on his “vampire instincts” 

He still acts like a teenager too, which is S/O finds infuriating 

He won’t wash unless reminded too, so he’s a little smelly and he tries to hide it with cheap cologne 

He never has any money and has to constantly asks for an allowance from David or money from his S/O

I think Paul has a new girlfriend every few days too

It’s to the point where whenever he introduces a new girlfriend to the boys they don’t even bother learning their name. 

And sometimes Paul won’t even bother introducing them in the first place because he know they don’t tend to last 

Of course he doesn’t believe he has anything to do with it. He just blames it on how “Santa Carla women are”

So all these thing together could force his S/O to break up with him 

I think it would happen on the boardwalk too

The two of you meet, and as your telling him your breaking up with him he checks out someone mid convo 

I think his S/O would just give up halfway through their “I’m breaking up with you” speech and just walk away 

Unfortunately, I don’t think Paul would really care 

I don’t think his relationships ever truly reach the serious stage

He prefers his relationships unclear and full of spontaneity 

He’s also very lazy, so he’s fine when someone breaks up with him so he doesn’t have to put the effort into doing it himself 

Dwayne 

he is a very private person, and rarely seeks out human companionship unless it is to secure his next meal 

But every once in a while he meets a human he moderately like more than most humans and decides to pursue them

When this happens he never introduces them to the boys and never brings them back to the cave 

In his mind their secret is far too valuable to risk it’s exposure 

Because of this his S/O can get frustrated that Dwayne doesn’t share at lot of his personal life with them 

So The relationship can feel very one sided 

Dwayne is also really bad with verbal communication and tends to lean on non verbal cues to get his point across 

I think Dwayne also has a “thing” about people breaking up with him so if he suspects that the relationship has run its course he will just end things first 

He also has this other “thing” where he can’t stand seeing someone he used to be in a relationship with be with another person….so usually when he breaks up with someone it also ends in a meal 

David 

Like we all know, David likes to be in control.

He’s the leader that calls the shots no questions asked

This would definitely be same when he is in a relationship

He chooses where they go, who they hang out with, and what they do in general

I think his S/O would be okay with this at first. They knew what they signed up for when they started dating him

And they would definitely believe that the positives in their relationship would outway the negatives.

Sure David won't let them go for a walk by themselves, but at least they're safe right?

And they can’t choose what they wear either, but that's just because David knows best.

But like most things the reality of who David is would probably be wayyyyy too much for most people. 

I think once David’s S/O removed their rose colored glasses and realized they wanted out

 It would be a  huge challenge to convince David of this fact

David’s S/O:  David, we need to talk.

*David fixing something on his chair* What did you say Sweetheart?

David’s S/O:  David I’m not happy I don't want to be with you anymore.

*David pretending to look around the cave for something* I don’t think I heard you right, love. What did you want again?

David’s S/O: David….

David: It’s okay love, you don’t need to talk. Why don’t you keep that pretty little mouth of yours shut and let's go for a ride with the boys. 

I think once his S/O managed to get him to acknowledge the fact that they wanted out of the relationship, one of two things would happen.

David would drain you himself, or give you to the boys to drain

or

David’s complex would not allow the thought he was being broken up with so, I could see him using his mind control powers to change your mind into staying with him

This wouldn't last long though. I can only imagine a person being mind controlled to be in love with you would get kind of old after a while. And David is kind of a jerk

So, I could see David mind wiping his S/O and leaving them somewhere to fend for themselves

[fuckyeahgoodomensfanfic]

A note about fic comments. I am speaking as someone who made a lot of bad choices my first go around with engaging with fanfic reviewing. Years ago, I co-ran a blog that posted fic reviews which were often harsh/critical and graded. Please trust me when I say voicing your negativity or criticism about a fic is just unhelpful and cruel.

If you don’t have anything nice to say, literally just text your friends about it. Authors don’t need to know if you thought something was “out of character” or when you don’t like something. And this includes comments like, “why didn’t they just do xyz” or “I don’t like this trope”. It wasn’t written for you.

That doesn’t mean you can’t have opinions or thoughts on it, you can roll your eyes all you’d like, but keep it out of the comments. It’s not the place for that. And be mindful of backhanded compliments and tone. Something you don’t mean negatively can sometimes come off that way without context. I’m not saying to walk on eggshells, just be mindful of how your words might be received! No one is ever going to be done making mistakes, but try to be aware of what you say/how you say it and admit to your mistakes when you notice them.

When I used to say negative things like that about parts of fics I didn’t like, it felt like criticizing any other media or even me being arrogant about my “taste”. It was all bullshit, and didn’t do anything but hurt authors feelings. Authors who were just other people trying to have fun and participate in their fandom. I wasn’t being a good reviewer, I was just being an asshole.

Let’s try to make a nicer community for all of us. The more positive energy we ourselves put out, the more it will inspire others to be positive as well! Commenting on fics is a great way we all can support and grow our fandom/fic authors. Let’s just make sure everyone gets to feel good about receiving feedback.

[bcolfanfic]

for @magneticghouls for the @hbowardaily summer exchange <3 little rosie pov clegan post war thingy-do ☀️

“So, you know I have to ask, Buck.”

Rosie didn’t look at him when he spoke, picking at a splinter coming up from the wood on the arm of the rocker.

He supposed he didn’t have to ask either. But maybe it would help. Gale seemed like he was walking on eggshells from the moment he opened the door, slight stutter in his voice when he greeted him.

Now, Gale hummed under his breath, chewing on his bottom lip for a moment before he spoke.

“How do I know you aren’t gonna turn us in?”

Rosie stopped his rocker abruptly, the chair squeaking as his back straightened.

“Why the hell would I do that?”

His eyebrows furrowed as the words left his mouth in rapid succession. And his confusion was honest. Sure he didn’t quite understand. But he wouldn’t- couldn’t do that. Not to anyone, he didn’t think.

Least of all to them.

He knew before he decided to swing by- had known since his last late night walk around Thorpe Abbotts after the war.

Since he startled hearing a noise from the patch of trees. And starled again when he did some light investigating, making out what he could surmise was the two of them doing something he knew in some sort of abstract that two men could do together.

Gale didn’t say anything for a long few minutes, tapping his foot against the paneling of the porch, rubbing his hand on his knee.

“Had a close call, a few months ago.” He said quietly- eventually, biting the inside of his cheek.

“Reconnected with a friend I knew growing up. Was nice, until he dropped by once in the morning unexpectedly, and it- it was obvious. We’d just woken up,” He continued. “John- thought it was someone else, answered the door not thinkin’, not wearing a shirt.”

He chuckled under his breath then, but not in a way that made Rosie feel like he should laugh too. His voice trembled, and saw Gale’s throat bob as he swallowed and took a breath before he kept going.

“He panicked- just, just, bolted . I’m standing there in the hallway, trying to think of something to say and this guy flips. Knocked a glass off the table, making all this racket. He said he was going to turn us in and I- I asked if there was anything, anything I could do that would change his mind.”

His grip tightened on the arm of his rocker, and Rosie felt the tension mirroring in his own hand against the wood.

“‘s why we haven’t fixed the downstairs bathroom yet. Had money put away for it, till then.” He continued, looking off.

“John still gets real freaked out about it, tells me I should reach back out to him-, offer him more money. But my theory is that it’s better I don’t go reminding him what happened.”

Gale looked at Rosie then, and he realized he was round about being asked for his opinion on the matter.

“I think,” He started, pausing for a moment, swiping his tongue over his bottom lip. “I agree with you. Best not to poke the bear, I’d say.”

Gale looked satisfied with that at least, letting out a small sigh- and Rosie’s chest hurt.

There was a lot he didn’t understand, questions he knew weren’t his business to ask for answers to.

But he felt as though he understood whatever this was better than he could wrap his head around how someone could ruin someone’s life over something so mundane.

“You had a question didn’t you?”

Gale pulled him out of his head, Rosie opening and closing his mouth twice before he found his voice.

“Think you answered it.” He said. “But another one then. You two are happy- as much as you can be?”

Gale opened his mouth to answer, but they were interrupted by a truck pulling up the driveway.

Tensing for a moment, he squinted- and his shoulders relaxed when he realized it was indeed Bucky. His cheeks lifted when he smiled, eyes softer than they had been during the previous conversation.

John climbed out when the vehicle pulled to a stop, leaving what he’d gone to the store for in the car in the interest of getting to Gale first. He didn’t seem to see Rosie until he was just about right in front of him, pausing on the last step up the porch, glancing between the two of them.

Rosie figured a smile and nod would answer the question he saw in his eyes. But Bucky just looked between the two men a second time, arms crossed, scratching his thumbnail against his shoulder.

He could see it in his face then, what Gale had said about how he hadn’t shaken off the incident. There was a cloud of wariness in his eyes, bottom lip sucked in between his teeth.

Gale beckoned him to come closer and he did, skittish still when he approached him. He reached forward to uncross his arms, gently grabbing his wrist and rubbing the underside of it with his thumb.

He looked at John in a way that seemed the communicate what he was going for when his features relaxed. Giving him a little nod, John let Gale move the hand on his wrist up his arm, allowing him to tug him a little closer.

Continuing to watch them made Rosie feel like ought to look away- like he was intruding on something just as much as he had that night on base.

But he found it hard, glancing at the field in front of them for only a moment before his eyes fell back to where Bucky had leaned down into Gale’s space, face pressed against the side of his head. Gale was whispering something just quiet enough that Rosie couldn’t make it out, but John laughed softly against his blonde hair, bringing a hand up to ruffle it as he pulled back.

He backtracked to get the shopping from the truck after a minute, and Gale’s eyes didn’t leave him.

When he seemed to notice he was being watched, his cheeks flushed, and Gale scratched the back of his neck with a shy smile at his lap.

Rosie supposed that answered his question.

[makemeimmortalwithahug]

My Place By Your Side

Painland Week Day 1 - Love Languages/Sickfic

Charles/Edwin - post-canon

@painlandweek has brought me so much joy, it's so fun to just write for the sake of celebrating something I love again

Word count: 3920

summary:

When Edwin gets sick, Charles needs to figure out a way to comfort both Edwin and himself.

“Mate, that really doesn’t look too good.” Charles was crouched over Edwin’s arm, the shirt-sleeve rolled up to reveal the pale skin that sported dots in varying sizes and colours that made Charles feel sick in return. The rash reached from his elbow until the back of his hand, starting small in muted earthy tones that anyone else might have mistaken simply for moles. But Charles knew Edwin like no one else. He could’ve reached out and found every scar, every beauty spot or callus blindly in an instant. He could’ve counted the speckles in Edwin’s eyes from memory alone. 

“Astute observation, Charles,” Edwin sniped but Charles wasn’t fooled. The distress in his voice was obvious, pitchy and cutting around the vowels. He had spent the better part of the day going through his collection of books that dealt with similar symptoms while he kept anxiously glimpsing at the exposed skin. It had not reached the other arm yet but when Edwin lost his bowtie, complaining about the heat in the office that had never bothered him before, Charles could see hot pink and green speckles like those on Edwin’s hand. 

“No reason to snap, mate, I don’t know what caused this either.” 

If there was any indicator for how worried Edwin was in that moment himself, it was at what speed he gave in. Charles could see him practically wilt right in front of him, his shoulders drooping and Edwin shifting his weight self-consciously from one foot to the other.  

“I do apologise, Charles. I frankly do not know what to do.”

Charles frowned. Edwin was stubborn on his worst days, a quality Charles found oddly charming. To see him fold so easily was more disconcerting than it should have been.

Charles stood up and moved to put his hand on Edwin’s shoulder in comfort, trying with all his might to make it seem casual and not an act to calm his own nerves. Before he could feel the soft fabric, however, Edwin flinched away, forgetting to phase through the desk and instead hitting it and knocking down the last payment they had received for a job well jobbed (a magical ball of wool that kept changing colours depending on your mood).

Well, Charles thought hysterically, there was that.

In the unsure way only an entirely gobsmacked person could manage, Charles drew his hand back.

His heart hurt. He didn’t know that was still possible.

In general, Edwin wasn’t known for initiating their physical contact but he certainly wasn’t averse to it, always grateful for feeling Charles close to him. Except for literal Hell, Charles couldn’t remember a time where Edwin had avoided his touch. 

“Charles,” he heard, but the word hardly registered. He kept awkwardly staring at his hand.

“Charles,” Edwin said again, closer now again as he cautiously inched around the desk. 

“Mhh.” The sound was less acknowledgement and more a way to push back the cry that wanted to force its way out of Charles’ mouth.

“You must know that I mean no offence,” Edwin began, which almost caused Charles to snort or, at the very least, crack a smile. Never in their friendship after the day of their meeting had Edwin bothered with sugar-coating anything. Charles had spent the majority of his life tip toeing around his father in fear of his rage at any given moment. Until he met Edwin, he hadn’t known how much he’d like not having to guess someone’s feelings and walk around on eggshells. 

Edwin cleared his throat. “I do realise this situation is far from ideal, what with all these new cases.” This at last pulled Charles somewhat out of his stupor. Who cared about the bloody cases? “But we cannot risk you falling ill as well in the pursuit of helping me get to the bottom of this. We don’t even know whether it is contagious, not to mention by touch or mere proximity!”

Edwin ran both hands through his hair, messing up the carefully coiffed strands. It was a gesture so jarringly agitated and foreign on him that it shocked Charles once more. “Therefore,” he concludes, “it would be better if I keep my distance until I have found a solution.”

And the worst thing was: Charles couldn’t blame him for coming to this conclusion. This supernatural disease could end up in more chaos than they usually dealt with. Because what else could it have been? Edwin had his last cold in 1915 and the last time he had so much as sneezed was when that poor bloke’s head had blown up into their faces in Port Townsend and he had been too shocked to let it not affect him.

No, Edwin was right. This could endanger the agency if Charles accidentally got sick too. One detective out of commission for legwork was bad enough and he didn’t want to imagine one of their clients catching this. 

Didn’t mean that Charles had to like this plan, though. And it wasn’t particularly about them not being able to touch anymore for the foreseeable future. Despite how right Crystal was when she said that they lived in each other’s pockets, they weren’t literally attached at the hip. 

What Charles actually made nauseous was the way in which Edwin had recoiled from him that resonated horribly within him. Ghosts couldn’t normally get cold, but Charles felt like someone had shoved a bunch of ice cubes into the inside of his polo shirt, leaving him shivering and shaken. 

He never wanted to make Edwin feel scared of him and even though he knew that Edwin was just trying to protect him, something about the alarm in his eyes had him thinking back to seeing himself in the mirror when he heard his father come home early. He had sworn to himself that he would never put this look in anyone’s eyes - accident or not. He had already failed at that with the Night Nurse, but even then it had been Charles who had shied away from contact and not Edwin. Never Edwin. Until today. Edwin used to freeze, sure, and it had taken a long time for Edwin to lean on Charles as well, but he didn’t know what to do now with the sharp panic edged into his best mate’s features.

A soft sound made him pay attention to his surroundings again. Edwin was still standing at least an arm’s length away from him, his hand curled into a fist to knock against the top of the desk to get Charles’ attention. His eyebrows were furrowed in concern, his mouth a thin line. A blue dot had reached the side of his throat.

Charles sighed and shot him a quick smile, trying to seem fondly exasperated at the worry. 

“For sure, mate. You’ll be well in no time, it’s gonna be brills.” 

Charles hated this for both of them, but most of all for Edwin. From the outside, nothing seemed to have changed. Edwin was still sitting at his desk, rifling through paperwork, while Charles sat upside-down on their couch, throwing the magical ball of wool from one hand to the other. It was navy blue.

He felt like there was an invisible barrier between them, a line Charles couldn’t cross without repercussions he couldn’t imagine. Edwin looked like a confetti cannon had exploded right in front of him, the confetti littering his face. 

After Niko and Crystal showed up at the agency to keep an eye on Edwin (Edwin vehemently argued that he did not need a minder, thank you very much), Charles had risked a quick mirror-trip to Tragic Mick to get advice. To everyone’s dismay, Tragic Mick said there was nothing they could do except wait it out. 

That was two weeks ago and Charles thought he was going insane. His best mate constantly looked on edge and seemed on the verge of tears at every minor inconvenience in his files. The Night Nurse was no help either, opting to comply with Edwin’s self-assigned quarantine that he had set in motion after Crystal expressed a slight scratching in her throat. The only acceptable exception to his isolation was Charles. Which should make him feel better but it just made him long even more for Edwin because he could see him. 

No, they never used to touch constantly but there had always been the possibility. Having this revoked from him, the reassurance that Edwin was in reach, that he was there, made his skin feel tight. After Hell, it had been so good to walk next to Edwin, leaning into him or letting his fingers brush Edwin’s shoulders - to have physical proof that Edwin was with him. 

Now, Charles sometimes looked at Edwin, watching the outline of him against the backdrop of the window so hard that he was almost convinced that Edwin was just a figment of his imagination. That only his silhouette was left for him to admire from afar while the real Edwin was still stuck in Hell.

Other times, he just stared into the air, his mind stuck on how Edwin jerked back on impulse - to get away from Charles. He never wanted to make Edwin feel helpless but he still managed to fail, leaving Edwin with the desperate need to get enough space between them. The thought was enough to repeat the moment again and again, a split-second decision that haunted Charles.

Poorly suppressing a groan, Edwin stood up and started pacing the floor. He came to a halt in front of their massive bookshelf, where he started pulling out books at random, flipping brusquely through the pages. Every so often, a gust of wind came through their window that turned the pages, which made Edwin quietly swear before giving up. They were less than four metres apart but it might as well have been an entire ocean. Edwin kept pulling on and off his gloves in irritation. All Charles wanted to do was to make it somehow better. He needed to make it better. But usually his strategy for making Edwin feel better was to hug him or lean into his side or put his head against his. 

On the day Niko and Crystal finished moving into their new flat, Niko spent an evening curled up with Charles on her bed doing quizzes online while Crystal introduced Edwin to the confusing twists and turns of reality tv next door. One of the quizzes was called, “What is YOUR Love Language?” and after Niko explained the concept to him, Charles set to answering the questions until the words, “Physical Touch” blinked at him. He hadn’t put much thought to it except yeah, that checks out.

But Charles was at a loss now. How could he cheer Edwin up? When he was in this space of mind, no word of support would get through to Edwin, but how else should he reach him?

He tried anyway. “Mate, we’ll get through this, you know that, right? Tragic Mick said it’ll pass and you trust him.” At least he did after his soapstone bear had managed to save Niko. Charles made sure to make his voice as happy as possible, as “happy-go-lucky” as he could manage.

“I know.” But the flat tone told Charles that Edwin didn’t know. Bloody hell, why did he have to be so rubbish at words? In the end, though, there was nothing Charles could say in this situation that would ease Edwin’s worries. Charles had a lot of practice soothing Edwin when he was stressed about something but he wouldn’t be fobbed off with sweet nothings. Normally, Charles could give Edwin a new perspective, but right now Charles was in the same hole of despair and however hard he’d wreck his brain, he couldn’t come up with anything remotely helpful. 

Sighing, he let himself slide down off the couch and onto the floor when something caught his eye. He reached out and found a small box on top of a stack of colourful paper. The box contained pretty ribbons, glitter pens, googly eyes, different yarns and at the bottom, there was a thin booklet about origami. Niko must’ve left it here, she enjoyed making all kinds of decorations and had gone at it with extra vigour when Crystal allowed her to decorate their flat (under supervision by Edwin. Who was not as assertive as one might have imagined, only fools thought someone could resist Niko).

Charles tilted his head, discreetly looking at Edwin who didn’t pay him any attention, a hopeless expression on his face, his now once again gloved fingers curling uselessly. Charles would do anything to see Edwin smile again, no matter how long this nightmare would go on. And Charles got to work.

Charles couldn’t say that he was a crafty person, in life or death. He knew his way around his bag of tricks and could hold a paintbrush well enough to paint runes and used to do pottery with his mother. But he never made things like the adorable mug cosies Niko loves. 

Therefore, he figured he should start simple. In this case - a bookmark. Edwin normally didn’t bother using them because he is the brains, after all, he just memorised the last page he had read. There were cases, though, where they both were in a hurry and having to spare precious time for Edwin to rifle through a proper tome while the danger came closer and closer was never a good time for any of them. 

A bookmark it was, then. He first made a dark blue one, a paper rectangle with a hole through which he threaded a few threads of silver yarn and knotted them. It looked elegant, something that would fit into Edwin’s encyclopaedias or the poetry books stacked in-between. Edwin was sitting on the desk, playing with the now grey-ish ball of wool. Charles would tease him, because Edwin was the one who usually chastised Charles lightheartedly for not sitting properly, but honestly Charles was just relieved Edwin was doing anything but forlornly looking at his files. They hadn’t bickered in days. Edwin seemed exhausted enough that he didn’t talk much. Charles would be scared that his best mate was getting sick of being stuck here with him. And a part of him was still petrified of how scared Edwin had acted and that was the only thing that kept Charles from following the direction in which every atom of his body longed to pull him - right into Edwin’s arms, his face plastered into the crook of his neck. It kept him confined to his spot on their couch, embarrassingly conscious of their positions in the room, the walls closing in on him whenever he blinked, compelling him to press deeper into the cushions to give Edwin the space he deserved.

But even he realised that the “stuck here” part without being able to go on cases as an outlet was the problem and not Charles. He willed his mind to shut it. 

Speaking of cases, he felt bad leaving Edwin behind and in the one case had been on since Edwin got sick, a deep feeling of homesickness had made him careless, like a missing limb throwing him off his balance. 

From then on, he had referred the easier cases to Crystal and Niko, while he had checked in with their clients with more difficult cases and told them they would get back to them as soon as possible. 

Now Charles was on a new case: The “Give Edwin Presents (Probably) Debacle”. He picked up the bookmark and slowly made his way towards Edwin, hiding the gift behind his back. “Hey there, mate,” he grinned, coming to a halt in front of him - still far enough from him to not freak him out -, and nervously shuffled his feet.

The ball of wool flashed a subdued pink hue. “Charles,” he said, a small smile gracing his lips, a blink-and-you-miss-it moment. There were so many dots in his face, blue and green and magenta. The others on his arm hadn’t disappeared either but at least didn’t Edwin seem bothered by the heat anymore. Small mercies. “Is there something you need?”

I need you to get better, I need to reach out again and feel again, I need to sit near you again, my place is still there, right? By your side? Do you forgive me? Say it’s going to be okay soon.

“Ah, no mate, everything’s aces. So, ah, you know, business is pretty slow right now, so I thought I’d make you a little something to…” to pass the time, he almost said, but that wasn’t right, was it? Charles didn’t want Edwin to think this came from simple boredom and not from the heart. “to make you smile,” he finished, holding the bookmark at one corner out to Edwin so that he could grab the other one.

But Edwin didn’t reach out immediately and instead stared down at it, puzzled beyond belief. 

Humour had rarely disappointed him. “Come on, mate, don’t let me down here. I might just cry,” he joked.

This set Edwin in motion and he reached for the bookmark, inspecting it. And after turning it in his hands a couple of times, he finally broke out in a brilliant smile, his eyes bright. He looked up at Charles and made an aborted move like he wanted to hug him, but for the first time in weeks, the realisation that that wasn’t possible right now didn’t dim the spark in his eyes. 

“Thank you so much, Charles. It’s beautiful.” Charles basked in the unabashed sincerity and warmth. It had been such a simple and easy thing to do but hearing Edwin’s praise made him happy and proud in a way he couldn’t describe with words. He didn’t need to, he was feeling it.

“Don’t mention it, happy to do it.” And he was. 

It didn’t stop there. The bookmark found a home in one of Edwin’s favourite books and another one soon followed - an origami bookmark corner for which Charles found instructions in the book. It was quite nice to have something to do with his hands, being careful to neatly fold the corners and afterwards decorating it with silly googly eyes and a glitter pen smile. Edwin found it incredibly charming.

“That’s going to come quite in handy on cases, the other one might fall out, thank you!” The excitement was addicting and Charles loved seeing how Edwin flourished. 

The dots became fewer. Charles counted them like the days that passed on the calendar. 

An origami owl followed. He used a light green sheet of paper, gave it buttons as eyes and made a bowtie out of a red ribbon. When Edwin saw it, he smiled this soft smile that made Charles melt inside. “I don’t think ‘thank you’ suffices anymore,” he murmured. “I don’t have anything to give you.” 

Charles moved closer to him. Edwin was lounging at the desk and Charles carefully sat down on the corner, almost where he always used to greet their clients. 

“Edwin, honest, you give me so much. Just keep being you.” Edwin laughed and Charles only ached a little. The ball of wool glowed green.

He made origami plants and butterflies, stars and swans. They littered their windowsills and shelves. Their office never used to look this colourful. 

It had been a little over a month. Who was Charles kidding? He knew the exact time. One month, three days and five hours and Edwin’s supernatural cold had finally ended. There was nothing but pale skin to be seen. 

The moment Charles saw the last dot on Edwin’s cheek disappear, he leaped up and practically flew over to him, pulling him into his arms, chanting, “It’s gone, Edwin, it’s gone, it’s gone!” He pulled back and kissed the same spot where the last reminder of this nightmare had been. And then the other cheek. Edwin’s arms were tight like a vice around him, gripping the back of his shirt. 

“Charles…” He gasped softly, a man dying of thirst being offered a cup of water. Charles could relate. When he died, he had given up the need for air. Now, he just needed Edwin. 

Blinking back tears, Charles buried his face in Edwin’s chest. He couldn’t imagine letting Edwin go, in this decade or the next. Feeling the proof that he was really there - his Edwin was with him, Edwin wanted to be there with him - under his fingertips, it was like letting out a breath he had held for too long. 

But there was one thing left to do. Blindly, he felt after one of Edwin’s hands. It took a few tries and gentle shushing to pry Edwin’s fingers off of Charles, but eventually he pulled the hand to his mouth, kissed the back of it and linked their hands. 

“Shh, you’re alright mate, c’mon, love, it’s okay. Let’s just get over there, yeah? Easy, innit?” 

They ended up on the couch, Edwin’s face pressed into his neck. All semblance of composure had vanished long ago. They were both frayed at the seams, chests pried open to reveal their unbeating hearts, vulnerable and open to one another. 

Hastily, Charles went through the pockets of his jackets in search of his most important gift yet. His fingers closed around it.

“Edwin, hey? I got something for you.” He presented him with a little paper heart in blue and red. Charles had the front row seat to see Edwin’s eyes fill up with new tears all over again, joy flowing over his lovely face.

Edwin let go of Charles’ hand in favour of taking the heart into both of his reverently, careful as if he were handling a real one, and pressed it to his chest where his own heart was.

They leaned into each other, with Charles eventually ending up on top of Edwin, and he lazily played with Edwin’s short hair. The next time Charles kissed Edwin, it was softly on the lips. Both of them drifted to a not-quite-sleep with Charles’ lips pressed to Edwin’s forehead

With quarantine officially over, Niko and Crystal were allowed back in the agency. They hugged them tightly and Edwin didn’t even complain about how “a handshake would have sufficed, Crystal”. While Edwin was resting with his head in Charles’ lap, he and Niko took up their usual search for quizzes again. They came across another one of those talking about love languages. This time, his result was “Words of Affirmation”. When he fussed about how his results could’ve changed so quickly, Niko just giggled.

“Oh, but it’s not just black and white, you know,” she explained in her soft voice. “It’s never just one of them. Here, you can see your percentages.” She pointed at a few blue bars, the first one titled the same as his result with 74 percent, the second one, “Physical Touch”, just barely below with 71 percent. “And there’s also a difference of which direction the love language takes. It’s a two-way street. Love languages for how you love and for how you wish to be loved. And that changes constantly, and multiple can overlap. It’s interesting, isn’t it?” 

Niko smiled brightly and Charles was helpless to do anything but give her one of his own. 

“Which ones do you think Edwin has?” she mused. 

Charles grinned and ran his fingers through Edwin’s hair. “I think I have an idea or two.”

[hemmyrooney]

Uh, hi?

You’ve known me for a lot of things, and most of those things I do deeply regret coming into the new year with. So I’ve taken it upon myself to be more open to the community, rather then being a figure once feared.

I will not be starting anything, I will not be participating in anything, everything I do and say will be heavily regulated to fit my interests and my interests only for the safety of myself and others in the near future. My apologies goes out to the crit and sparkle community for causing so much out roar and hatred when I used to be a beacon for the exact opposite. That changes going forward, even if my apologies don’t get accepted, I’ll keep walking the eggshells till I one day show the world that I’ve indeed learned from my mistakes and become a better person. What better way to start then to start being more open about my identity.

Who I Was.

hemeruni, unicritcornelius, a burner account poorly written and covered up by me, the Hemeruni archives account. Those are all the documented accounts I used to run during the period of time where I was pushed away from the community for my actions, all in a attempt to rectify a situation that only got worse with time the more it was pushed, which was a result of my bitter hatred and anger towards the community at that time. Being pushed away from a community that truly felt like a home for me for the longest time was painful. All of what I worked for gone in a single instance because I used by creditably to hurt others, including my own partner, which I’ll never forgive myself for. Thankfully I’ve been able to get in contact with someone that I’ve hurt a lot from this whole situation, someone who was very angry with me for valid reasons. We talked for a good few hours about what can be done, and after a back and forth, I apologized both to him and the community I’ve been arguing with for around a few months now. For the safety of people involved, names will not be said, as I don’t want this post to come off as an attack, rather a post catching people up who are out of the loop.

What are you doing now?

Same thing I was originally doing. Posting art and ranting/rambling about stuff I like. I’ll occasionally answer asks whenever I feel like it and I’ll take requests whenever I have time. I’ve been very busy.

So yeah. Welcome to my page

[soullessjack]

i don’t think there’s anything new I can add to the performative-jack studies because it’s like..very cut and dry, guy who’s constantly perceived as a threat does his best to seem innocuous and friendly..but there is an underlying layer of exactly how jack tries to present himself to others (that I’ve definitely already posted about but whatever).

soo like. take this outline for example:

Jack: “He still has to be killed.” Cas: “Doing that might kill Dean as well, so [I] doubt any of [us] would be willing to do that.” Jack: “I would.”

‘Cas is a little shocked by how calmly Jack says this, and Jack says he knows what Cas is thinking; that this is Lucifer’s gene pool talking. It’s not. “I’m not my father. I’m not my mother. I’m me.”

“You’re all so focused on saving Dean, but Dean is Michael’s vessel. There’s a good chance Dean isn’t even alive. Is Jimmy Novak still alive?* Could anyone save him? It’s Michael. And Michael has to die.” ‘Cas stares at Jack, who looks coldly collected.

post-war jack is straight up traumatized and jaded by everything he’s seen and experienced in apocalypse world, still making efforts to be kind and sympathetic of course, but with a bit more edge to him now. for six months he’s been fixated on killing Michael, and he’s way more willing to do the Hard Thing (kill Dean) than he might’ve been before to do so (which actually reminds me a LOT of the chicken/snake story from ouroboros but we won’t get off subject).

obviously he still cares about/loves Dean, we’ve seen that in the rest of S14, but he’s also seen what Michael did to another world and wouldn’t put anything before preventing that. *he’s also very willing to hit Cas where it hurts with the Jimmy comment

but the thing that sticks out is Castiel immediately assuming that Jack’s calm, cold collectedness in the way he talks about killing Dean/Michael is somehow evidence of Lucifer’s influence or heritage; that Jack couldn’t possibly feel this way by himself. even Jack refutes it, stating that he’s neither of his parents (ie, it’s his own decision to kill Dean if it’s necessary). I think it’s also interesting he mentioned not being his mother, because I think that’s why Cas is so surprised by his demeanor and jumps to attribute it to Lucifer.

from day one Kelly’s heritage was the only argument Sam and Cas had against the idea that Jack would be evil. to be fair, Jack does take after Kelly a lot; he even looks like her to some extent. but treating Kelly’s heritage as the It-factor that makes Jack good, treating him as basically an extension of Kelly who must be good and kind because she was good and kind (literally an inverse of how Lucifer’s heritage is treated) is still just dehumanizing.

the distrust he faces is understandable coming from AU Bobby and people who are being actually displaced and exterminated by Michael, but the fact that Jack is subject to the same scrutiny from his own chosen father as well adds to why he represses these parts of himself so much, why he puts on that naive nuclear-son personality and basically butters everyone up all the time.

I think the only times when Jack has actually unmasked himself were at points of extreme low empathy, because most of the time his facade is put on for the sake of other people and the fear they feel towards him. he obviously wouldn’t have to worry about that while he’s human, but like I said, he’s literally a war veteran/criminal by this point. he’s gonna have a little more edge to him than before, and a little less empathy for the small things.

the second and probbaly more obvious one is his behavior while soulless, completely lacking the empathy required to care about keeping up his facade—so much so that he just bluntly tells Mary that he’s annoyed by everyone eggshell-walking around him like he’s a time bomb again. then, *checks script* like a flip switched, he goes back to that facade and reassures Mary that he knows they’re doing it out of love. He’s blatantly performing his emotional responses now.

jack is still soulless for like…three (?) episodes in S15, and still incapable of really feeling any emotion despite being able to logically process them. like he is literally so empty inside that he resorts to binge eating to feel some kind of sensation. but he’s consistently playing up the happy-go-lucky shtick when he isn’t just depressed and withdrawn (especially the church basement scene where he immediately gets the dumb Bambi look when he sees Cas after his failed cannibalism attempt).

got a headache while writing this so I’ll just leave it here but like. A Lot of the reason why Jack performs so much is because specific traits he shows are not only taken as threats, but are also associated with Lucifer and treated as signs of his “true nature” <- click that link it’s important for context

Mk that’s all byeeee (*´ -`)

[klspacecadet]

aita in this ao3 comment thread

I don’t think it’s needed but for context this is a transmasc pwp that doesnt use afab language

Also if nobody tells me otherwise I’m gonna continue to think I absolutely ate them up at the end, so if you disagree I’d appreciate an explanation :)

comment exchange under the cut

me I’m so confused can someone please explain what keith’s anatomy actually looks like for context I missed the trans tags before reading this and spent the entirety of the fic violently confused as to what is going on (im trans) I appreciate the usage of gender neutral language but esp bc I didn’t realize he was trans here I just. don’t know whats going on??????? help me please I was like, “is this referencing foreskin….? does this person not know what a dick looks like? is keith intersex or something? uhhh” before I decided to go and check the tags and the comments and realized lol

them what about this made you feel like it was appropriate to comment?

me it was a genuine question?? Excuse me for being confused and wanting to be able to visualize the fic better, especially as a fellow trans person...

them your phrasing is really rude, intentional or not. I’m using language that describe mine and other trans men’s real life bodies. if you don’t get it, that’s fine, you’re not the target audience - but it’s not my job to explain it to you. leaving a comment about how it’s so confusing and weird is not the way to ask a genuine question, especially one about trans genitalia. yes, even if you’re also trans. I feel like that’s common sense. please gain some.

me I’m sorry if my phrasing came off as rude, I didn’t indend for it to be seen that way and I generally struggle with tone and phrasing. I commented my confusion over the vague phrasing and lack of description that might otherwise be inherent, and I merely wished to express my lack of understanding and willingness to learn more, which honestly isn’t that common on the internet. If this were about a real person’s body and a real person’s identity, I understand why more reservation and politeness would be necessary; however, since I’m commenting on something fictional that you wrote and posted for anyone to see, asking questions about your word usage and the body of a fictional character, I don’t think it’s justified to feel like I need to walk on eggshells when expressing this. Also, when I called it confusing, I felt it was implied that I was referring to your usage of vague descriptive terminology that nobody outside of your circle would be able to comprehend and picture, especially when they didn’t realize it was a trans fic at first. I also never said anything about it being weird, I actually said the opposite so idk where you got that from. I hope you have a good day and get off your high horse, I don’t see what reason you had to be so aggressive in response to someone asking a question, especially when most would probably jump to insults and hate. Hopefully from now on you no longer feel attacked when someone asks for clarification on your work, and you gain the ability to hold a respectful conversation without jumping to insults like “gain some common sense.” also idk why you responded in the first place instead of just deleting my comment and moving on if you felt it was so rude— I feel like that’s common sense nowadays, but perhaps you were looking for an argument. Good luck on your journey to kindness and hope you have a good rest of your day! :)

[dinsdjrn]

gone, from austin | j. miller | part two

brothers best friend!pre-outbreak!joel x f!reader

summary: Joel Miller: the one that got away; right person, wrong time. Now you’re back in Austin and it hurts just as bad, as if you’d never left five years ago. [w.c. 2.4k]

warnings: 18+ Minors DNI, no use of y/n, light angst, Sarah is alive and well, f!reader, smoking, depression, brief mentions of a mental breakdown, implied cheating (not joel), ex-lovers to lovers, eventual smut, slow burn, lmk if i missed anything &lt;3

💌 a/n: FINALLY a part two? who am i?? anyways not sure how i feel about this story... but i know how i want it to end so ill keep going for that. lmk your thoughts &lt;3

previous part | next part | masterlist

Part two | May 2002

You were a work of art, that’s the hardest part.

It had been three weeks since you had gotten home. You had become more than a bit of a hermit, looking and applying for jobs. You made yourself sparse in the house, you understood everything your brother did was an open invitation to you, but it was easier to disappear. It also gave you time to process, when you left Toronto it was a whirlwind, but now it was a dulling ache. Friends had reached out, wondering where you went, if you were okay. You gave them enough information so they wouldn’t worry, but not enough to come looking for you.

It was Friday morning, just like any other morning, you were searching through medical journals and websites looking for job postings. Search, apply, wait, and wait some more. It wasn’t very thrilling, but it was something to do to keep your head above water.

The alarm on your phone had begun ringing, 10 am, you reached into your desk drawer and took your meds. They filled a hole in your head you hadn’t known was there until you had a small breakdown two years ago. It was something only a few people in your life knew about, it wasn’t something you ever really wanted out there. There was almost a shamefulness to it, no one in Austin knew, and then one person in Toronto who knew about it was no longer welcome in your life. So you move on, continue as you have and hope that your ticket out comes sooner rather than later. 

A soft knock came at your door. 

“Come in!” You said, closing the desk drawer quickly. 

“Hey! Someone is at the door for you,” Kelsey popped her head in and smiled. 

You looked down at your Dell Med School t-shirt and Roots sweatpants and laughed lightly. 

“Is it anyone important?” You asked embarrassed gesturing to your pajama centered clothing choices. 

“I am sure they won’t even notice.”

You sighed and stood up, you lightly stretched and made your way downstairs. Just as the entryway came into view there was Sarah and Joel, Sarah with her backpack on and Joel shifting uncomfortably looking at the floor. 

“Hey guys,” you said, smiling at them. 

“Hey!” Sarah smiled. 

“What’s up? Shouldn’t you be at school already?” You questioned. 

“I had a dentist appointment this morning. We just came back to the house to grab my bag, but I wanted to see if you were around tonight,” She swayed, clearly hoping you’d say yes.

“I’m uh-, not sure,” You looked at Joel for guidance but he wasn’t paying any attention to you his sole focus was on Sarah. 

“I just really wanted to have that sleepover you promised! My dad is going out tonight and suggested it would be a good time for us to hang out and -“

“But only if you are available and want to,” Joel interrupted.

“Oh, yeah! That sounds like it could be fun. Why don’t I come over around 5ish and we can order some pizza?” You smiled at her. 

It would be much more comfortable without Joel there, you had felt like you were walking on eggshells when he would pop over to have a beer with Jake or help Kelsey fix things around the house. 

Joel nodded. 

“Alright baby girl, time to get you to school,” he began shuffling Sarah out the door. 

“See you tonight!” Sarah called over her shoulder. 

You waved at her in response and when the door clicked closed you pinched the bridge of your nose. 

“You know, she really did miss having you around,” Kels leaned against the doorway behind you. 

“I know,” You sighed, “I just don’t know what I’m getting myself into.”

“What do you mean? You’ve known her since she was just a little kid. You’re not getting yourself into anything except maybe forgiving yourself for hurting her.” Kelsey said, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. 

“You don’t fucking get it! This isn’t a permanent solution. I can’t stay, I don’t belong here anymore! I don’t want to get her hopes up that I might by hanging out with her and letting things go back to the way they were. That will just hurt her again.” You snapped, a pang of annoyance in your chest.

“You being here and ignoring her, it hurts them both. You can talk a big game about how you don’t belong here, but this is your home, your family. I don’t know what happened between you and Joel, but it is clear he still cares about you. Is staying really the worst thing? At least thinking about it?” 

“They are not my family, you and Jake absolutely are. And you’re right, maybe this was home once, but it’s not anymore. All that’s left is a permanent scar of what could have been. Now, if you’ll excuse me,” You turned to walk up the stairs. 

Kelsey came and put her hand over yours on the railing. 

“Look I’m sorry if I overstepped. I only want to see you happy,” Her voice was soft and apologetic. 

You just nodded in response and made your way back up the stairs, once in your room you made your way to the bed and cried into your pillow. You knew the love for Austin was there, it had always been there, but so was the hurt. The pain would always be there too, it painted your soul in blues and grays. That’s the hardest part, how beautifully life painted your anguish here. 

The day came and went quickly, and you felt unprepared for your sleepover with Sarah. You knew it would be nice to hang out, do face masks and watch a few movies, but your anxiety was palpable. You were worried it would feel like grasping at a life you could’ve had, but were strictly denied. 

You made your way next door around five and before you could even knock the door had swung open and Sarah was pulling you inside. 

“You’re here! Finally, I’ve been thinking about what we could do tonight all day. Dad said he would call a few pizzas in, we went to CVS after school too! I got nail polish, face masks, and some weird snacks,” Sarah spoke excitedly. 

It gave you a bit of whiplash, barely able to even get in a few “Alrights” or “Sounds Fun”’s in. 

“Woah, woah, Sarah slow down,” Joel said as you made your way into their living room. 

He was sitting on the couch in a black t-shirt and Levis, his hair was wet and the messy ways were pushed off his forehead. He was still so devilishly handsome, he never tried too hard with his looks, but that didn’t mean he didn’t look good; it arguably made him more attractive. 

“A’right, I’m going to get outta here,” He put his hands on his lap and made his way to stand, “Tommy is gonna be here any second.” 

“Dad, did you remember to order pizza?” Sarah asked with a hint of annoyance. 

“Oh shit,” he felt his pockets pulling out his phone, “I’ll call on the way over to the bar.”

“Don’t worry about it, Joel. I’ll get it,” You smiled softly at him, pulling out your own phone. 

“Y’sure?” He asked. 

“Yes, yes, she’s sure, now, go have fun. We have a very important girls night to get started on.” Sarah shooed her father toward the door.

Joel just laughed and rolled his eyes, you shrugged in response. 

As soon as you heard the door shut Sarah came rushing back to the living room. 

“Sorry, he’s a mess,” Sarah laughed.

“I can see that nothing has changed,” You laughed with her. 

You both fell into a comfortable conversation, it was nice to see Sarah so happy. She was completely different then when you had left, yet somehow exactly the same. 

The night was spent watching cheesy rom-coms, doing face masks and nails, and eventually Sarah had fallen asleep in her pajamas on the couch. It was nearly one in the morning, you placed a blanket over her small frame and began quietly tidying the living room. 

The night had warmed your heart in a way you weren’t sure you’d be able to feel again. Sarah was such a light in your life for so long, and now she was turning into this beautiful and kind teenager. You had talked all about her school, Joel and Tommy’s shenanigans, and what’s been happening around Austin. She didn’t push you though, you had talked about Toronto and being away from home without delving into any fresh wounds.

 It was nice, it felt good to know when you left it wasn’t your last memory of Sarah. You worried for years it had been and you’d have to watch her grow through the lens of your brother, but here she was in the flesh. 

You sighed, putting the leftover pizza in the fridge and pouring any extra soda from your glasses down the drain. You went and checked on Sarah after you had finished cleaning up to make sure she was still sleeping. She hadn’t even stirred, so you took this as the best opportunity to step outside and have a smoke. 

It wasn’t something you were proud of, but was something that you would normally only do after particularly stressful days. Today would classify as one, you didn’t like fighting with Kels. That, plus the anxiety of coming to the Miller’s and not knowing what to expect, warranted a need to de-stress. 

You made your way into the backyard, only closing the screen door in case Sarah woke up, and placed a cigarette between your lips. Just as you were searching through your bag for a light a voice startled you. 

“Hey, I didn’t know you smoked?” Joel. 

Fuck, you knew he probably wouldn’t have been much later, but it felt pathetic to be sneaking a cigarette on his back porch. 

“Not often, but you’d be surprised how common it is in healthcare.” You said finding the lighter and lighting the end. 

He looked at you for a moment, and you realized maybe he didn’t want you smoking on his back porch. 

“Oh, shit sorry, you okay if I-“ 

“Oh, yeah, I don’t really care,” he hurried before you could finish your question.

“Cool,” you said. 

The silence grew uncomfortable between you two. 

“I, uh, didn’t mean to startle y’a there,” Joel said. 

“Oh,” 

“I just saw the light on and wondered if you were out here.” 

“And here I was…”

“Here you were,” He shifted, “You always loved it back here. Sitting looking up at the stars after Sarah went to bed.”

“Yeah, I think I missed the stars the most while I was in Toronto,” you sighed. 

“I always thought they’d’ve had more stars up there,” he looked up at the sky. 

You had finished about half of the cigarette and put it out, it wasn’t doing anything for you at the moment except make you want to shower. 

“Not in the city, it was like a shitty, colder, New York,” You laughed. 

Joel chuckled at your comment. He came closer to you and leaned on the railing of the deck with you. It felt almost suffocating, he was so close to you and it felt so intimate. 

“Y’know, we’re really happy you’re here,” He said quietly. 

“Joel, don’t…” you warned. 

“I mean it, Sarah never stopped asking about you. She missed you, this girl's night made her whole year.” 

“Joel, please,” you whispered, tears welling in your eyes. You already carried so much guilt for leaving Sarah with nothing but a goodbye. You knew he was trying to comfort you but he was crushing your soul with guilt instead. 

“I’m sorry darlin’ I just… always asked myself what if things were different. Where we would be, how would Sarah be different if you had stayed,” 

His words ignited a fire within you, one that burned in anger and resentment. Who was he to ask what if, when he gave no choice in whether or not you had a chance at finding out. 

“We could talk about maybes and what ifs until we’re blue in the face, it doesn’t turn back time. Doesn’t change anything between us. You made a choice, Joel, and so you don’t get the what if’s,” You snapped. 

He sighed and ran his hands through his hair. 

“I’m allowed to wonder,” He retorted. “You weren’t the only one hurt, y’know?”

“Well guess what, I wasn’t the one that wanted out when things got a little bit complicated.”

“Wanted out? You think I wanted out?! Fucking Christ, I didn’t want to hold you back. I have no choice but to stay in Austin, letting you go meant that you wouldn’t be tied down here!” His voice was quiet, but he was clearly irritated.

“I didn’t need you to let me go, I’m very capable of making my own choices. And if I had chosen to stay I needed you to tell me everything would be okay.” 

You weren’t speaking in a hushed tone like he was. You were frustrated, angry, he had completely backtracked on your breakup. Tears stung your eyes, you were frustrated and confused. 

“I’m done talking about this, Joel,” You said, wiping the tears away from your eyes. “You said your piece five years ago, and nothing is going to change that.”

You turned to head back inside, now that he was here you’d be able to walk back over to Jake’s and go to sleep. Make an attempt at forgetting this conversation ever happened and pretend your night ended with you and Sarah asleep on the couch. 

Joel grabbed your wrist before you got too far. 

“Please, just let me explain.” He pleaded. 

You pulled your wrist from his grip and left as promptly as you came. 

Your chest was tight and it was as if you could feel your heart shattering all over again into a million little pieces. The ghost of his love haunted you for years. He was still the same man you fell in love with, that much was certain. In that, it also meant, he was still the same man who broke your heart. 

And that was a risk you were not willing to take. 

To spiral out, to try and float, to see a friend, to see a ghost.

tags: @thetriumphantpanda @fruit-frogs @wand-erer5 @missgurrl @casa-boiardi @harriedandharassed @undrthelights @wishyoudaskme @reader-without-a-story @morning-star-joy @tightjeansjavi & once again sorry if i missed anyone or lmk if youd like to be on the taglist xo.

[pigeonwbraces]

I way not be able to draw stuff for my au rn but I can make text posts! Sooo

KIDS PROBLEMS - AN AU EXPLANATION

In my au the Mansion acts more as a base of sorts Slender lives in it full time and has rooms for all his proxies but the proxies themselves don’t HAVE to live there and most actually choose not to instead opting to live all over the place Some stay in midrelm some live in normal town’s city’s abandoned houses non abandoned houses some live on the road and in their cars and many more places.

A lot of proxies also come from bad childhoods and are often nicer to the younger proxies because of this, many of the adult proxies find themselves adopting or simply just looking after the kiddie pastas as even tho they could leave them unattended they often know from experience how badly that can fuck a kid up just leaving them to fend for themselves in this sort of environment.

While yes most proxies try to give these kids somewhat decent lives all these characters have issues and these issues like it or not can have an affect on the children they look after.

So heres a post explaining SOME of the aus characters and what their problems are.

Sally: Sally is actually quite confident and okay with her past she used to see what happened as something to be ashamed of like she deserved it and as a result it made her hate her own body constantly covering up never accepting the idea of crushes or anything remotely romantic, but as she got older and after she fell under the care of Kate she began working out those issues accepting that what happened was bad but not her fault, she’s now a lot more confident she’s not afraid to wear more revealing things like tank tops or shorts without feeling ashamed of it, she’s a lot more open about romance and actually goes out of her way to learn about it to make sure she can spot red flags and green flags in relationships and help others from being potentially taken advantage of.

But no matter how hard she tries that fear that worry will never fully go away, she’s only 12 right now and has a long way to go in regards to fully healing, she feels awful for not being able to fully bond with and trust Tim Brian and Toby like Kate seemingly can and she knows they’re good people who don’t want to hurt her, but she’s always going to be worried not just for her sake but also Kate’s, as much as Kate tried to raise her in a loving environment they were living in a very physically unstable one, constantly moving worrying about money and safe places to sleep living in Kate’s car a good portion of the time. And Sally was there for all of it , She doesn’t want Kate to be in any risk anymore and that includes being cautious of her new roommates.

Nina: Nina was only 10 when her life was destroyed over the boy she thought she actually had a chance with, Jeff weather you like it or not is a bad person in this au, tho he didn’t start that way he was raised by very distant and selfish individuals who were more worried about their money and status than their own kids. Because of this Jeff thought Nina being obsessed with him was cool, he liked having a mini me who looked up to him and would do anything he said, so what if you can’t actually stand her and are just manipulating her to keep her around where else is she gonna go she killed her own parents to be here?

So yeah Nina while living with Jeff wasn’t doing so good Jeff was an asshole she was a child Liu just stood back cuz he didn’t wanna be involved and Jane hates her, for a good majority of her life she felt trapped with Jeff it was like walking on eggshells, she thought she’d be happier living like this but she wasn’t and it was only getting worse…until Nurse Ann got involved, Ann had fallen for a similar situation in the past and she knows how dangerous it can be so she ended up with a soft spot for Nina the more she realized her situation, so currently Nina has been taken in by Ann and Dr.Smiley it’s not much Nurse Ann tries to help but she is still a pretty mean person she’s encouraging Nina to be strong and take action against Jeff and not to let herself get hurt anymore but in the process is also making Nina more cold hearted she’s basically learning how to set boundaries with people but in a way that way to aggressive witch with Jeff would he understandable but this isn’t just towards him it’s with everyone.

Lazari: Lazari..is complicated, She finds herself hating herself she wants so badly to be a normal person but at the same time doesn’t feel like one, she hates being a demon and yet she finds comfort in all the demonic stereotypes she was told to hate, she’s lost in an angry confusion she’s both human and demon and angry at both halves of herself, the human side told her that it was a crime she was even born they locked her away and treated her like something to be ashamed of, and the demon half shows no remorse her father was nothing but evil in her eyes even Slenderman the demon that took her in has done such horrible things, she has always clung onto the idea that she could be a good person because she was half human and humans aren’t like demons right. But humans were the ones who gave her those scars on her back humans were the reason she’s now trapped as a Proxy because she knew if she didn’t she’d have nowhere else to go…she didn’t want to but the older she gets and the more she learns about demons the more she starts to decide that maybe she should give into them, embrace the stereotypes and be the demon all those humans had hated for so long, because at the end of the day demons are just animals trying to survive and she’s trying to survive to.

Ben: a lot like Lazari Ben also doesn’t feel human but he tends to show the most sympathy towards people because of this, as far as he’s aware he’s dead and lives on as some sort of tech based ghost and technology doesn’t feel emotions technology isn’t human, and neither is he. So he takes on the pain of his friends as no reason he should be bothered by it right yeah sure he shouldn’t care but they need someone to talk to and he’s the least likely to be bothered by their emotions to the point of it affecting his own emotions because well, he doesn’t have any he’s non human and so he doesn’t have emotions…or at least he keeps trying to convince himself, but the more he listens the more he learns the angrier he gets he hates the people who hurt his friends even if he’ll never admit it even if he’ll never admit that he actually does see them as friends, he cares about people he feels emotions but he doesn’t feel like he SHOULD even if he says that it doesn’t bother him and he doesn’t actually care and that he’s just a weird Ai ghost who can’t feel anything cuz he’s not real won’t change the fact that he was REAL he was a real kid who died he was a real kid who had his life taken away and doesn’t want to accept the fact he’s dead.

Ight that’s all I got so far there are a lotttt of characters and I could go on endlessly about who affects who and why characters act how they do and why so and so is friends with so and so but all this typing is giving me a headache 💀

[mitzymossy33]

Jinx is my comfort character, here’s why;

So, ima be real with y’all for a second , I’m nit someone who likes to go on and on about trauma and dump my issues into other people, but I feel the need to post this, before we start, TW for mental illness, SA, childhood trauma, etc. Read at your own risk. So, Jinx, is my comfort character, and you may be asking why? While I don’t have schizophrenia or schitzo-affective disorder or anything else that would enable me to have hallucinations, Unless you account taking 12 melatonin gummies in one night, (I did that ONE time, ONE, okay?). But anyways, enough with the jokes, while I personally don’t have hallucinations, my mom did. A little backstory, my mom has pretty severe mental issues stemming from lots of childhood trauma, first off, SA, her dad left, she started smoking and doing drugs at like 11, got sent to a CATHOLIC boarding school labeled for troubled girls in the 80s-90s (you can tell how that went down) and whole lot of other stuff. Anyways, yeah, a lot. That’s why I feel for Jinx so much, her hallucinations, where erratic behavior, everything, because it feels so real, I’ve seen a bit of discussion on whether or not Jinx is a good representation f mental illness and I have to advocate for yes, I’ve seen first-hand what mental illness and trauma can do to a person, and it is not pretty. I remember days when I my mom used to hold me and ‘I can’t see you, I can’t see you’ and at the time I didn’t think much of it, but now that I understand what she went through, my stomach churns thinking about it. Most of my life my face probably looked distorted to her, even my dad’s did. Imagine a world where you can’t see the faces of your loved ones. Anyways, I appreciate the realism of Jinx, the delusions, the hallucinations, the mood swings, the impulsivity, everything, it’s just portrayed so tastefully and I could not be more grateful, with a lot of ‘crazy characters’ for example Harley Quin in the Birds of Prey movie, well, yes, she’s supposed to be crazy, she lacks actual mental illness, or it’s just played for laughs. It feels shallow. Watch a few Harley Quin scenes where she’s supposed to be acting unstable and you’ll see what I mean. The problem with the manic pixie dream girl, is that she lacks, well, mania. With Jinx, we see that, we don’t just see ‘oh haha crazy=funny=sexy’ we see her struggle, it’s scary, terrifying, all the other characters have to walk on eggshells often so she doesn’t go off the rails, like in the dinner scene, they all know one wrong move and someone ends up dead, and someone did. She flinches and reacts at hallucinations, which to others may seem odd, but it was the same with my mother, she would always grunt and put her arms up in a defensive position, reliving that pain, and that trauma over and over again. It’s genuinely sad, but unfortunately, you can’t just have someone be fixed, it’s a tragic reality, and that’s why Jinx’s behavior feels like a lunch in the gut.

Another thing is Jinx’s identity thing, and while my mom didn’t start going by a new name, I personally relate to it, you see, because of my mom’s mental illness, and me being homeschool by her until sixth grade, it caused me to not have the best childhood myself. After I got out, and started processing and realizing what happened, I wanted to escape, I did this through maladaptive daydreaming, escaping into my own world where I was a new person, free of of what happened, someone who went through much worse and still came out on top, and that gave me comfort, because if she could do it, why couldn’t I? Anyways, at my worst in my mental health, this got taken to a new extreme, I started hating my birth name, wanting to separate myself from it and be a new person entirely, I went Cass, Cassie, Cassandra, and Moss, until I settled on Mossy. It was my way of reclaiming my freedom, saying that I wasn’t that same little girl who was so isolated that covid felt like nothing changed. That I wasn’t that little girl who had to listen as my mom had mental breakdowns, as my parents relentlessly fought, as my mom shook me and told me god’s an A-hole. It was a separation of identity, kill the past, embrace the future. And while I don’t hate my birth name anymore, I still choose to go by Mossy online for sake of privacy, as well as it just being my nickname. I feel the need for freedom from the Jinx and Powder thing. I love how realistic Jinx is, and I can only wish for her to have a happy ending, even though that is extremely unlikely. But, if you stuck it out this far, thank you for sticking around and I hope you didn’t mind my bit of trauma-dumping, just really wanted to pour my personal views and experiences into the amazing show that is Arcane!

Anyways, I hope you like my analysis, I wanted to go more in depth, but my memory was fogging up due to my brain blocking out what happened. Maybe I’ll edit this or update it somewhere in the future, but for now, this is what I got.

[gwyns]

https://www.tumblr.com/freyjas-musings/742671202419605504/im-just-curious-but-why-artists-draw-azs-shadows

https://www.tumblr.com/freyjas-musings/742670976839483392/i-just-cant-deal-with-elriels-anymore-they-want

I agree with these posts! I’ve seen so much fan art of Azriel’s shadows interacting with Elain even thought they skitter away from her and e/riel’s are saying that she will make his shadows go away, but in the beginning of his bonus chapter he talks about how his shadows will always be there with him.

They bring up how his shadows disappear around Mor, and it’s good since he had ( some e/riel’s believe he’s over her🤡) feelings for her, but that happened in ACOMAF when Mor & Azriel were originally supposed to be endgame. They were close with each other and had a deep friendship. His shadows vanishing, at that time since Mor who was his love interest, was probably a good thing and could be looked at differently, however in ACOWAR this obviously changed. Mor has to walk on eggshells with Azriel now. Proof of this is her pov in ACOFAS.

So Azriel’s shadows disappearing around Elain and e/riel’s thinking it’s a good thing because they do that with Mor, who is cautious around him, isn’t actually a good thing in my opinion. But they’ll argue left and right that this is good and that Elain makes his shadows calm, but there’s no canon text that she does make his shadows calm.

However, Azriel’s shadows had calmed, seemed content to watch him interact with Gwyn, which is actually stated by Azriel in his chapter, (and actually appeared to want to stay). They interacted with Gwyn in a positive way. I believe Azriel’s shadows are sentient and an extension of his soul. I think his shadows can sense the mating bond. Not saying that it’s snapped, because I most definitely don’t think it has, but I think it’s in the beginning stages. His shadows sense something is there. Which I think is interesting especially since a few days after Solstice we have that whole scene of Gwyn cutting the ribbon (👀), Azriel’s shadows also dancing again when she asked about a prize, Nesta calling Az the new ribbon, and his interactions with Gwyn pick up. When Gwyn was kidnapped for the Blood Rite (along with Emerie & Nesta) Azriel did react contrary to with e/riel’s say. His shadows AND siphons deepened. There was nothing him or Cassian could do though. Hell, even Rhys couldn’t do anything if they asked him. But both of them trusted in the girls to complete it. They showed their faith and support in them.

I think e/riel’s forget that the bonus chapter took place in the middle of the book, and Az’s interactions with Gwyn pick up after Solstice. Azriel and Elain have not interacted with each other (as far as we’ve seen on page unless it’s happening off page) since Solstice. I don’t think Azriel and Elain are having that secret-forbidden romance (there’s honestly nothing forbidden about it), because SJM writes her romances (and develops) them on paper where the readers can actually read it. Having a romance off page (that isn’t developed) isn’t her writing style. Azriel does say in HOFAS he doesn’t have a mate, but Gwynriel’s are fine with that, because we get to actually see their relationship develop. We get to see them become friends, we get to see them fall in love with each other, we get to see the mating bond snap.

I don’t think Azriel’s shadows interacting with Gwyn like that is her being evil as e/riel’s love to claim. Didn’t his shadows warn him about Koschei and the Cauldron? Surely they would do the same if Gwyn was evil. He felt a spark in his chest, which is how a mating bond is described and if you look at other mated couples, the bond is described to be a song between the souls. The wording with Gwynriel is so similar to other mates, especially Bryce and Hunt.

i agree! it's common knowledge at this point that e/riels steal from the other ships but then try to act as if they thought of it first when, no honey, 1. there's timestamp proof and 2. no e/riel has ever been that creative or paid enough attention to canon to develop widely fanon accepted things

even if moriel wasn't meant to be a thing (and tbh i've always been iffy on it. even back in the acomaf days i didn't really see it on both ends, and i swear a fan at a signing said sjm was surprised people shipped them but meh that's a topic for another day. maybe lol), sjm made certain to show us the difference in his shadows around these two women and tell us how deeply az values them. how they're his closest friends, how they're an intrinsic part of him, how they're not going anywhere. if once, them vanishing was a good thing, it's clear that's no longer the case. hence why they want the shadows to love elain but i'm sorry, that's just not happening lmfao

in my opinion, love is kind and sure and calm so the fact that az's shadows calm around gwyn is a huge green flag. like az is stressed af all the time! he needs to be able to come home and be at ease, to relax and just be az. without all the fancy and terrifying titles. we got this in his bonus chapter and they're trying to say it doesn't mean anything? really?? bffr

the "you're the new ribbon, az" is such an endgame indicator in my opinion. like nesta is telling us that gwyn has her sights set on az and we know how determined gwyn is. it's over for the bread and roses ship, if it wasn't already lol. the thing is, gwyn is a sexual assault survivor, az would never dream of coming on too strong with her so if anything happens between them, the ball is in her court. and then we have az who is canonically attracted to unavailable women, whether that's a coincidence, or some subconscious thing that ties into his low self worth... i don't know but to me, it fits perfectly together. gwyn will be the one making moves on him, or at least be the one to take that first, big step, and i think that will be huge for az who constantly feels he's not worthy or good enough

regarding the blood rite and the "forbidden" romance, there's nothing of substance there. just e/riels lacking critical thinking skills as always. if rhys couldn't do anything to get the girls out, what the fuck was az supposed to do? and no one is stopping e/riel from seeing each other except az himself so... you know. clearly he doesn't care about seeing her that much

why e/riels love the idea of every major moment of their ship developing off page, i'll never know. if i were an e/riel, i'd be so pissed. the fun of romance novels is seeing the characters come together and fall in love. and sjm knows that too, clearly, she's a romance author for christ's sake lol. she's not going to have these characters fall in love, move in together and get pregnant off page. no way in hell. that's also why they can't understand that gwynriels are perfectly content with that "he wouldn't consider her a friend but..." or whatever line because, like you said, that means we'll get to see them become friends. then lovers. then mates. why wouldn't you want that?

az's shadows know everything, that's why he's such a valuable spy. they tell him things he couldn't otherwise know. that's literally explained in the books. i believe they're sentient too, they tell him to sleep when he needs to so they obviously care for him, if gwyn were a danger to az, they would absolutely warn him. also the gwyn is secretly evil theory is shit because she's in part based off of sjm's irl friends and her villains are pretty two dimensional. so yeah, that's never happening lmao. even if (big if) gwynriel doesn't happen, gwyn is safe, so they just look stupid as hell talking about "evil gingers" or whatever the fuck they say these days.

i think that after so many books, true sjm fans know when she's working her mate bond magic. no matter how much others cry about it, sjm is a fated mates author. don't like it? go find someone else's books to read. it's as simple as that