#like I KNOW shit happens in life. I get that. but dude. I mean grandma dying 2 weeks before christmas was enough

[imwritesometimes]

sitting down last night and realizing like lmao shit went super rough in December and then just... never got better like no wonder I've been white knuckling it through mental health crisis after mental health crisis ✌️🥴

[princessmyriad]

.

[desicanary]

Some thoughts after finishing the double that I need to expel from my consciousness:

1. I haven't enjoyed a show so much in a while. It had all the drama, and it didn't sacrifice it for the romance

2. Princess Wanning! She killed her dad and I think that was queen shit. She should have killed more people, frankly. She deserves to do so much murder

3. Shen Yurong how I hate you. This man is not only a murderer and a coward, he's also incompetent. None of his plans have ever worked. Mans couldn't manage to successfully kill his wife even if every god were on his side. I loved every time Xue Fangfei did psychic damage to him simply by existing

4. Xue Fangfei! Xue Li! Jiang Li! Xiao Limao! A'Li! Many other terms of address I've missed! She truly is that girl. She is gaslight gatekeep girl boss. She's a girl's girl. She stabbed a man in the dick 7 times. She has the man who once called her a pawn wrapped around her pinkie. When her man tells her he has to get into a political marriage for the nation she says do it then, and then he has to admit he was never gonna. She inflicted +9999999999999 damage on those who wronged her and Jiang Li. She can't fight to save her life (as evident) but can and will confuse her opponent into tripping over their own nonexistent shoelaces

5. I loved the progression of the relationship between A'Li and Xiao Heng. They weren't immediately lovers or friends. They fully used each other until they were willing to be used. The chemistry, the flirting, it's too much and too good. Also, Xiao Heng serves. See: the fans, the fucking gold plated murder fan, a walk-in closet full of capes, the most dramatic entrances known to cdramas, and all the audacity

6. BUT what were the last 20 minutes! They don't exist to me! My buddies Wen Ji and Lu Ji are watching their boss embarass himself at Duke Su's mansion and sharing in the hot goss, to me

7. Plus, I've gotta be missing something about the Longwu army. I do not understand them at all. Not a single one of them would survive the Nuremberg precedent. Not only are they not guided by ethics and morals, they're also not guided by loyalty or revenge or anger or hate or any understandable motivation. Instead, they're guided by a rock carving of a fish. wut. They find out the dude holding the fish works for the guy who betrayed and killed their general, their comrades, and even some of their family. And their response is: "How could they?!?!?! But we still have to listen to them because they have the fish!" Truly what. Someone explain this all-powerful rock fish to me

8. I do think that the Jiangs deserved more. And by more I mean worse. I think Xue Li should have told Jiang Yuanbai exactly how Jiang Li lived and died, and that she hated him for his negligence. I think she should have told the grandma too. They had their hand in this and they deserve to feel the full weight of Jiang Li's life and death and hatred

9. Also Jiang Yuanbai being like "It's not that I didn't know what was going on at home it's just that I was so busy working for the nation uwu". Sir, disrespectfully, no. You had not a clue. And if you did, that makes it worse. Like "Oh no! I'm so busy working that I have no choice but to let my wife frame my 8 yr old for her own attempted murder! The murder of the same stepmom that she, until yesterday, adored! Oh well, I gotta go to work so I'll just let that happen and abandon her for 10 years until politics makes it necessary for me to bring her home! And I'll feel really bad about abandoning her now, but I'll also never believe a single word out her mouth!" Actually, I think he should be hunted for sport

10. Anyway, that got off track! But I love this show, and how even the antagonists have arcs and backstories and aren't countering our girl just cuz. I love the fleshed out characters, all the looks it serves, the drama, and the adorable Wen Ji and Lu Ji and Jiang Jingrui

[asexualgilliontidestrider]

Could you imagine the hero discourse in the prime defenders universe. There’s some Reddit post that’s like

r/askreddit

what was a negative interaction you had with a hero in your life

I’m curious because I see so many people talking like they’re purely good and I personally have seen them do pretty mean stuff

“when I was in the 6th grade silhouette was a TA on a school trip with my class and i told him that I needed the bathroom and he just told me to piss my pants and then ignored me and then when we actually got to the museum he just ditched us and left ms Gilbert to try and handle the entire class alone so I think that says a lot about what kind of person he really is”

“Tide once completely flooded my car that was parked on a bridge while fighting a villain and it had pictures of my grandma who died in a box on my passenger seat and they were ruined and I’m kinda still not over that”

“Pretender once walked straight into me and then just shoved me away and started shouting about how I should have moved if I was real”

“Well since the whole deal where random heroes have been going crazy I think you’re going to get a lot of bad experiences”

“Atlas killed my brother when he snapped that one time”

“This kid hero DC and his group got me fired from work because they literally stood in the middle of the road to harass some villain in a car instead of letting the cops deal with it. I was an hour late because they had to get someone to tow the car and it was totalled when they put it down because one of his friends had this freaky third demon arm thing that crushed it”

“Oh god yeah that kid. Watched him and his buddies dump some dude’s body in a lake. Then when my neighbour tried to stop them they made a call and then did something to him that messed him up for days. He doesn’t even remember it happening shits scary bro”

“Oh damn you live in rockfall too? Those kids are fucking menaces. The purple hair elf kid once just started stealing shit from the store I work at. Like he tried to put a bucket on my head and then in clear view crouched and started taking shit off the shelves and putting it in his bag. Security had to stop him and then he got picked up by Tide later.”

“Dodgeboy called me and my girlfriend a slur once :( I know he was super old but that’s still messed up”

“Saw a red haired hero kid punch out a wall of the dodge boy memorial library once when I was walking home from my night shift. As I was walking away I saw him and his friends harassing some kid with their powers and it kind of pissed me off with heroes in general. Like this is how the next generation of our protectors are being raised? God.”

[mooseyspooky]

Why do you think Morrissey has been acting like this lately? Is it because Marr turn down a reunion? I don't think he only wanted the reunion for the money. I also feel like Morrissey feels irrelevant and forgotten and thought that maybe a reunion might give a new life to his career

Darren asked me about this yesterday, and I wrote a whole essay about it. I think just copying it here will be a good answer to this.

Darren: How are we feeling about the moz and Johnny news

Me: Pretty indifferent. Same shit another day. I mean they survived the court case and banged all the way through the early to mid 2000s to 2009

Moz having a tantrum is nothing new

I was very sad to hear Johnny said no to a reunion

But it's not like I don't get it

Andy passed last year

Johnny wanted Moz back in 2008 and Moz ghosted him after promising he was totally on board

Moz didn't show up for the 2006 fundraiser concert for Andy's dad's cancer

Which is pretty ruthless

Moz clearly hasnt opened a single email Johnny sent him since 2018 when Johnny filed the trademark and tried to get him to cosign

Which is insane because Johnny did specifically to stop Mike Joyce

Which is literally something Moz should be gagging to do at all times 24/7

And meanwhile nothing

And then Johnny continued to try, even sending the paperwork again this year and nothing

So i mean why would Johnny want a reunion

Moz wants it to happen a year after is Andy is buried, it's too late

Does it hurt I don't get to see them together on stage ever, yes, but I'm not like

Demented

If I was Johnny I'd be so fucking tired

Like beyond exhausted

Sharing a stage with him?

Putting up with him on tour?

Moz canceled over 50% of shows last year

No explanation, sometimes on the _day of_

Just wouldn't do them

I mean Johnny won't cancel a show if his grandma dies

Moz just

Cancels cause it's a slightly breezy day out and that offends him

Yes I love Moz, I am his ride or die, I will go to my grave obsessed with him and everything about him

But I am aware and understanding he is extremely fickle and can be very stupid

This is all happened literally all of it cause Johnny made very light fun of him on Twitter

Like barely a joke

Johnny saw some popular girl on Twitter who is a super fan

Saw she mentioned a reunion

Didn't tag him

And Johnny posted a picture of a far right dude in England that Moz protested the treatment of in prison one time like- i don't know. 7 years ago

They put the guy in a prison where he was at high risk, and Moz made a slight offhanded comment saying it was cruel

So now here we are, with Johnny posting a picture of a guy

To a Smiths super fan

Who didn't tag him

Who mentioned a reunion

Because she saw Oasis get back together

And Moz got _so upset_

He decided to throw an absolute shit fit

And now Johnny has to be like literally can you calm down

And in some ways I understand both sides

Moz just

His sort of...recurring thing

Is that he really really hates when Johnny won't stick up for him

Or when Johnny is quiet when people are dog piling on him

Johnny did that a lot in the 90s

During the NME smear campaign, for instance, and the court case

And it really broke Moz up

Like, and I can imagine it did hurt

To be so close and so in love and meanwhile Johnny won't do anything. Just sit there and refuse to say anything

That's probably heartbreaking

Especially with Moz being so. Like. Blindly in belief that Johnny is forever innocent, forever perfect ("the always innocent young cabin boy")

There is no flaw

But Johnny is a human being, too, who has a lot going on

And to then see Johnny, here in 2024, once again. After 30 years not stand up for him

But instead making teasing posts on Twitter

Even if they're not cruel

I could see it causing Moz to have a meltdown

Should he be? At 65? No. He should be over it

But he's not

He still wants Johnny to love him, to defend him

And so yes he did have a total split from sanity for a bit but at the end of the day. I think the underlining thing is is that it stems from Moz being so deeply infatuated with his first love that he can't stand even the slightest notion Johnny isn't still as infatuated with him

Johnny was able to move on, to continue to keep his marriage, he was able to maintain friendships and have a lot of normal stuff that Moz couldn't because autism

Undiagnosed unrecognized autism but all the same

Moz is still, in his mind, deeply entrenched in the belief that Johnny is perfect and slight diversions from that cause major malfunctions

Moz clearly doesn't give a shit about the trademark thing. He's ignored it since 2018. Moz has talked about loathing albums being repackaged, so clearly the greatest hits thing doesn't really bother him

Moz wanting a reunion, sure. Okay. Maybe that stung but my god he had to expect it

So what does Moz care about?

Johnny

That's it. Period.

He wants Johnny to love him and be obsessed with him forever, and that's the long and the short of it so.

[jenniferdiazisatransgirl]

I think I’m straight!

Hey,

So mental health is still kinda shit but I want to make this post. It does feel kinda cringy to come out as straight, but at the same time it has taken me a long time to figure out and like I think I finally have figured it out.

For those who’ve followed this blog for a while, you’ll know I’m a trans woman and when it comes to my sexuality I’ve never really had it down. I have had times where I thought I did, but it changes a lot.

For the past few years I have identified as demisexual and I think that comes down to the fact I’ve imagined I can have a relationship with a woman, but there would need to be a strong emotional bond for something more. But when I think about the potential of dating a guy, that need for a strong emotional bond doesn’t seem to be there.

Not sure if that really makes sense, but I guess if and when I imagine being with a woman in a relationship. My brain has to do a lot of extra steps and gymnastics to be like, “Yeah, that feels like it would be right.” Whereas if I imagine being with a man in a relationship, my brain is instantly like, “Yeah, I can see that happening.”

Like feels weird to say, “I don’t need a strong emotional bond with a guy”. Cos that kinda isn’t true in many respects. Like I need to be in a relationship with someone I trust and who I share interests with, etc. But of course, as we all know attraction doesn’t necessarily play by the rules of what would be ideal in a partner. You can find someone initially attractive and then their personality puts you off. And God, does that happen a lot. My one date with a dude and straight dude at that, he confessed that he’d love to meet a WWII NAZI in real life and I’m just like sat at the table in the coffee shop terrified going, “Riiiiight! Make no sudden moves. Just get through this and then never talk to this guy again.” Wasn’t the only red flag with that dude. He seemed to be one of those people who wanted to hear people out just because and it is like, “You don’t need to know the reasoning of what a NAZI is doing to know what they did is awful.”

Sorry, bit of a tangent there.

I have found this difficult to come to terms with though. Like when I was younger and I first remember experiencing any attraction it was to women. Like at 10 years old, I figured out I should be a woman but I also started experiencing attraction to women at the same time.

Someone pointed out yesterday though, that my attraction to women could have likely been envy. And I guess when I look back on it, that was very likely true. I think the huge issue I had between 10 to 16, is testosterone can really muddy the waters on attraction. Especially when you are trying desperately to understand yourself. And like I get confusion in your teen years especially is part of life, but I think testosterone and being a guy when that felt really wrong just caused the wrong kinds of confusion. Like I at least knew since 10 that transition was possible. I didn’t know what it entailed but I knew one day I could be a woman if that was how I really felt. Sadly that did not mean I had an accepting Mum, just that I had one who was honest when I curiously asked, “Mum, can people change sex?” in my clunky 10 year old vocabulary. I asked her that on the bus to my Grandma’s 😂 She said, “Yes.” Probably putting it down to childhood curiosity. I guess it took away some of the confusion. Like at 10 I figured out I should be a girl and I could at least latch onto that, not thinking it was totally impossible. But then there was still envy for my female classmates which my testosterone fuelled brain at the time clearly mistook for attraction.

And when it came to figuring out I like guys, my attraction was dampened for other reasons. Without going into details, events that took place during my childhood made me extremely fearful of men. I remember in primary (elementary) school, having a male supply (substitute) teacher and being utterly terrified of him. And like for a few years, social services was involved in my life, they used to pick me up from school every week. It was usually a woman who came to pick me up, but one week two men came to pick me up. I seriously was terrified as hell and I had it in my head these guys were kidnapping me. When I got to the centre I think I ended up telling my social worker how scared it made me being picked up by two men. Plus I spent a lot of my school years being called “gay” and bullied for being perceived as such. Like any desire to explore my attraction to men was dampened by fear and while weird to say, given the topic of this is me coming out as straight, internalised homophobia.

I mean while from 10 I knew I was a girl, from the outside I was a guy and exploring being a guy who likes guys was not something I wanted to explore. Being perceived as gay never really sat right with me though. Like I readily admit there was some internalised homophobia there, but I also despise misinformation about myself. Like, all I could think is “I’m not gay. I like women.” And I knew my classmates meant gay as in I was a guy who likes guys. And let’s imagine the fact, that they were half correct, I do like guys. I was not a guy who likes guys, I’m a girl who likes guys. But of course, without coming out, exploring my sexuality in any meaningful way at school would have given the wrong impression about me. It would have just backed up that idea I’m gay. Which not bad in anyway, but I didn’t want to be viewed as gay.

And look, I can safely say that was my brain hating misinformation. I kinda got outed at school, but the news didn’t reach everyone. I came out to one guy and he told enough people that by the next day most people at school knew. The news missed a few girls I hung out with though. I was dating a bisexual girl at the time and the reasoning they had assumed for me dating that girl was basically, “You’re a typical guy. Dating a bi girl for a threesome.”

Like I hated that so much and with already so many people in the school knowing I was trans anyway. I was just like, “Okay. Let’s stop this rumour before it even starts. The reason I’m dating a bi girl is cos I’m a girl.”

And that is likely another reason I didn’t explore my sexuality much at that age. When I finally came out as trans in school, I was in a relationship and one that lasted nearly the remainder of my time at school. Also super weird note, but you know that thing where it is said you are more attractive when in a relationship? Despite being outed to the entire school as trans, so many girls were interested in me and clearly expressed it during that time. There was one lass I had to watch out for in the corridors as she’d side swipe me with hugs from a run that made me nearly fall over. That was an interesting time.

If any guys expressed interest for me during that time though, I think it was safe to say I was oblivious to it. I did dance with a guy at my prom, but I feel safe in saying that was platonic. The song was “Mr Brightside” by The Killers though and it is still a memory I look back on fondly. Weirdly enough, the dance was with the guy who outed me. I think I’ve said before, he was hard to stay mad at during the time, as being outed actually caused a lot of bullying to stop for me. It was like my being trans took away a lot of the power my bullies had over me and then I had a girlfriend so calling me gay was a lil weak.

I do remember one of my bullies approaching me one day though and just going, “So all these years we were calling you gay. You’re a lesbian, so we were technically correct.” I think my response was something along the lines of, “Technically, yes.” And thinking internally, how he’d made me miserable along with the rest of my bullies so it was kinda beside the point.

I think I’m just rambling now though. Main take away was my head was filled with a lot of confusion and at times still is. I do think I finally have enough clarity on it all to say I’m straight though.

Enjoy my post!

[galaxywarp]

hey dude as someone who also feels like a chronic fuckup most of the time, im really sorry you’re going through this. you might not feel like you deserve any sympathy rn in which case maybe save this message for later. give yourself some time to calm down and rest. when shit gets fucked like this, you have absolutely have to take care of yourself. some sort of treat or break or something. from experience, this is what’s most helpful for me. if you cant do it for yourself, do it for your friends.

you have been dealing with a lot of shit recently dude. you’re struggling with the fucked up food stamps system, you’re dealing with big therapy, you’re dealing with the anniversaries of both of your addictions and battling cravings because those just fucking happen regardless of your value as a person or how you’re doing in life, you’re dealing with job hunting in a late-capitalist hellscape even more fucked by covid which is making it impossible for anyone to find good work, you’re dealing with grief from losing your grandma, and theres probably more shit that i don’t know about because you don’t post about it. if i were in your shoes right now i have no idea what i would do. its no fucking wonder you’re struggling (which feels like the understatement of the century) right now. as i said last time, you’ve always got some kind of fuckshit going on over there man. the only way out is through, this problem will find its place in your life, etc etc, but really and honestly. please keep going. i know it feels irreparably fucked right now but things have got to be okay eventually. even if you have to go hour by hour, day by day, week by week, i think you can make it.

Fuckshit anon is that you. I saved your ask. I want to hang it on my wall. Thank you. Thank you so much. This means a lot to me

[cheeto-flavoured-pasta]

I’m chatting with a friend over some cookies-and-cream flavored Pocky sticks when a crumb drops onto their leg. They pick it up and eat it anyway, mumbling about how it always happens. I agree, saying it’s kind of annoying, because I have to sit there and debate whether it’s socially acceptable for me to pick the crumb off my leg and eat it or if I’ll look like a disgusting freak to any onlookers. Then they give me this kinda weird look, one I know really well — scrunched eyes, furrowed brows, a nose tipped in confusion. The kind that says, there’s a person out here who thinks like that?

“So? Who cares?” They shrug. 

I think about that more than I should, to be honest. Maybe I’m overanalyzing, but in that moment where they were questioning me — questioning why anyone would be so hyper-vigilant about such a trivial thing — I… just think I happened to realize. Fuck, that’s not normal. And the more I look back and move on with life, the more I notice it. The panic that sets in when I’m in public and drop something by accident. The constant anticipation of waiting for someone to make a snide comment when I slip up — and the eerie feeling in my throat when nobody does. It’s almost like no one actually cares. Almost. Did you really think I’d believe that fully? Don’t get ahead of yourself; I’m not that mentally stable.  

It’s fucking strange. I could be dabbing up a bit of water in the kitchen and right as I head to the garbage can, I pause. Grandma used to lose her shit if I ruined a perfectly good paper towel — and, by her definition, this was still clean because it was just a couple drops of water. How could I be so wasteful? Do resources not mean anything to me? Am I so unconcerned with the finiteness of the universe?

Anyone else would turn their nose up in disgust if I just left the paper towel there, right? Even if it was just a smidge of water, it was still wet and slimy and gross and no good to keep around. I’ve stared at the garbage can for several seconds now, almost half a minute, and the kitchen’s gone quiet. Wait, no — the kitchen’s been quiet, actually. There’s nobody here except for me. Whatever I do, who’s going to give a shit? Certainly not the couch or dish rack. The feeling doesn’t relieve me though. Without anyone to judge me, to dictate what I do to every single last second… I feel a little too free. A little too lost. Even though that’s what I’ve wanted to be — free, from judgement, from people’s constant nitpicking that had worked its way like needles into the flesh of my brain — it doesn’t feel right. 

I forget what I do with the paper towel and go on with my day. Next thing I know, I take three seconds too long to find a cup lid, or a pair of scissors, or I fumble with a dice as it slips between my fingertips. The embarrassment is stronger than usual, but it fades now that no one is here to judge. The fading isn’t any better, because it leaves me with this sense of emptiness and tension that holds taut like a string wrapped around something twice its size. 

I wonder if I should tell all this to my friend. The tension, the knee-jerk reactions, the constant worries of what the imaginary people in my head and in my room will say. And I think I already know how they’ll reply if I do tell them. They won’t say it in bad faith or malice, but just… concern. No judgement, for once, just concern. 

“Dude, I think you might have a problem.”

[randomgentlefolk]

CPC CHAPTER 152

Guess who's been playing Our Life: BA and lost every awareness toward time

I will never, ever get over Lorena's defense system. It's SO FRICKING GOOD LIKE..Eggs and bacon? Shuriken? THAT BIG CHOPPING THING? I LOVE THEM.

Also seeing the cpc and Gwen's siblings as fairytale characters are really cool! Also, Thermidora just straight up changing role from Tweedledee/Tweedledum into The Little Mermaid is so accurate regarding how dreams often suddenly change rapidly lmao xd

There are still some people we haven't seen as fairytale characters though. Such as Jack, Leelathae, Leopold, and the Plaid family. I think Leopold would have a role because of his speech to Gwen in chapter 64. Also Leelathae. Is there a chance that she might appear as the grandma of Red Riding Hood in a way to show Gwen's repressed memory? Would it come in a way of Leelathae apologizing to Gwen?

Here's a little angst: Gwen's repressed memory of Leelathae will come to her in the way of Leelathae apologizing to her over over. Apologizing because she had brought her to a cruel world. Feeling deep guilt because she knows what Gwen will go through. Now that I think about it, the immense guilt might be the reason why Leelathae become sick and.. well. But that would be too angsty, wouldn't it? Still might be possible, though...

MOVING ON HAHA I GOT A LITTLE CARRIED AWAY THERE.

But imagine if the grandma turns out to be Jack XD since how his old portrait was reacted to by the cpc.

Wait hang on I just realized here. What is Laverne supposed to be? Is-is she the grandma? That would make the "idk where my grandma is" comment by Abbi strange though..

Oh? Red eyes.. Either this is Blaine, referencing to the bonus short featuring him as Red Riding Hood, or it could be Leland, which is like, a little different from a serpent but still a "predator" regardless. Hm, this got me thinking about the similarities between Wolves and Snakes. Which is their cunning nature that fits Leland a lot. But wolves also resemble family which is, uh, not Leland at all! Haha.

So maybe this is Blaine? Like I said, it would reference to him being the Red Riding Hood. Ironically, he becomes the wolf. But! That can also reference to how not only is Leland the one breaking him, he himself is also breaking himself. Because he wouldn't redeem himself, plus Leland "undirectly(?)" Supporting that idea. Geez, Blaine. Yea, I still have a glimmer of hope and I can't help it. I analyze him like a math equation. Someone who I can't understand completely since I'm never in his spot, but someone I can try to learn and figure out? Not in the way of "I can fix him" but in the way of "What is going on with him? What is he thinking? What's blocking his way?"

Orrr since Abbi is the Red Riding Hood, maybe that wolf is Abbi's parent XD although Gwen never meet them so it would be quite impossible.

Moving on, this was talked about in discord and Maria's music note doesn't exactly make sense xd

Is there any Music Expert who can explain this, if you don't mind? XD

BLAINE. BLAINE DON'T.

Tsk tsk. Dissapointed noises from me.

GWEN! She's learning slowly. I'm so proud of her :')

STAN COLONEL SNUGGLES!!!

Maria. Dearest Maria. Would the polite, respectful guard, Lieutenant Beckett Dandridge, throw a fucking rock that smashed your window and might harm you had it been thrown the wrong way?

I'm sorry it's just.

Tsk tsk. Disappointed noises from me.

Good thing though, they finally knows what's happening! And with the help of CPC, I'm sure they'll come through, somehow.. I mean, at least they have some special skills haha. I wonder if Maria can call a lion? Or if Lorena can make venomous/carnivorous plants? I'm excited :D

I must say from the deepest of my heart, goddamnit Blaine holy shit dude wtf. You're still one of my fav character tho so dw. I'm not mad, just disappointed. Really disappointed. I have hope that he will get character development! But the way he is getting more and more like Leland is..concerning to say the least.

That's all for now, I can't wait for the next chapter which will come in.. around 4 hours..haha.. (you should definitely play Our Life: Beginning & Always it's so wholesome. Also I'm in the progress of new cpc art. I have the idea and all, I'm just struggling with drawing the anatomy/pose. Hopefully I will get through that)

Mono out! (But still in to hear your thoughts. Probably. It's 4 AM)

[werewolf-femboy-maid]

me after another episode (multiple meanings)

yes, another "keep reading" this is gonna be fun

guys :"0 I got cooked by my own stupidity (malnutrition, dehydration, inconsistent sleep schedule, adhd, bpd, lack of self awareness, lack of discipline, not doing breathing exercises when upset, trauma, broken phone I didn't have money to pick up today, stupid university applications I still need to do, red40 from last night and undiagnosed autism) again, look it me the fried.

dude I was not having it man. Idk if it was the red40 again or im just a genuinely horrible person. I must hate people, I must not give a single shit about anyones feelings, im super selfish and I only care about my own useless opinions and feelings.

I literally do property damage. I littered today. I am just the worst person. and yet I am not "that guy". how can I be this shitty of a person and not be "that guy" but noOoOo if I even TRY to be violent he threatens me with the police. (I unbuckled and opened the passenger side door to see if I could just die while he was driving and slapped him multiple times at a later point not while he was driving)

I screamed so much guys it hurts I don't want to be alive. this next story was from a month or two ago already but yeah basically one day I decided to steal my potential mother's in law alcohol and now she's hiding it from me :}}}}

I am so happy with myself! look at what a trustworthy and safe and loving person I am with her son! wow what a great way to introduce myself to this new family that welcomed me wow (she even took me to a pride parade when my bf couldn't because of work. they've both taken me at least once by now)

wow and I told his catholic grandma that I hope god sends me to hell (she wouldn't stop talking) (yes im a bad person for that, that's the whole point of this post, to talk about what a shitty and fake and ungrateful piece of shit I am) (im looking for excuses to throw myself away because I cant take it anymore) (its either live a life of isolation or live a life of constantly making mistakes and "learning" and disappointing everyone in my life and constantly hearing shit from other people about how I don't clean up enough or how violent I am) (id rather die alone) (but im too much of a coward to break up) (wow I cant believe my selfish incompetent ass could ever want kids) (how sadistic could you possibly have to be to look at my miserable useless genetics and think I should have offspring) (its so delusional to even think for a second I was ever capable of a happy and normal marriage or life) (I will never be a good mother) (I will never be anything to anyone except another mouth to feed and a danger) (if my only two options is complete isolation or learning by listening to other people criticize my actions (which I inevitably think is my character) without getting violent, then I would rather be in complete isolation) (well I want to choose complete isolation) (but im a fucking coward and im addicted to substances so I don't want to leave yet) (im such a horrible piece of shit) (yes im making my mindset as shitty as possible just like he says I always do on purpose) (idk either, I don't know why I do that but I think its a subconscious coping mechanism that worked at some point in my life (I think I realized early on that if I just overwhelm myself to a crazy amount, I won't be physically be able to think anymore, and then I don't have to process the yelling) (I think that might be what happened and why I always instantly try to make my problems as bad as possible so I don't have to think about them because ive already lived out the worst possible scenario by the time im too tired to process anything else)

e

the world is evolving too fast for primitive humans like me. I can barely start researching EVEN TOPICS I AM INTERESTED IN and I cant stick on the screen for more than 30 seconds before I have to close the laptop and there's too many things

I don't even answer my messages, not here, not on snap, not text, not email, not anything, not reddit or anything I just don't interact. I don't even go to Omegle because I cant find the "right time"

its such a stupid fucking lie the "right time"

I don't even talk to many people on pony town. im so fucking sad, like talking to people was my thing

and I always say I am gonna shut up and I never actually shut up because I forget, I hate my voice so much rn I cannot just shut up, im sure everyone that knows me wants me to just kill myself so (I was distracted by a conversation irl here)

I mean yeah idk

its just survival of the fittest at this point, it is just faulty systems dying out and making way for stronger organisms. (this isn't about poverty or classism, fuck all that)

I don't think realistically anyone is cool enough to picture my head on a platter, and I don't think even more realistically that anyone actually wants me to straight up die. I could be wrong tho. maybe some day I'll pull someone's last little straw, and my food will finally be poisoned and I can just die! :)

he almost finally broke up, but he took it back like a fucking retard. I hate love so much, it's all a lie. "love" is really just a retarded coping mechanism where these people cant live without each other, but trying to understand each other is fucking hell, and either way, both parties are fucking miserable.

I have so much privilege and im wasting it all

my life is so nice and I am ruining and wasting every second. I could be so happy right now and I am throwing it all away because the world and myself make me believe I am a useless piece of shit, and the sooner I throw myself away, the sooner these people can heal and move on with their lives.

JUST SAY IT SAY IM SELFISH

SAY IM A FUCKING SELFISH PUSSY

IM A SELFISH PIECE OF SHIT

I WILL NEVER SCREAM LOUD ENOUGH

have some fun gifs

11 year old me doing my 30 math questions and daydreaming about being a Pokemon character for 7 hours after another screaming match while my younger brother finishes his homework faster and plays video games all day (oooooh that's what happened...)

:))))))) help me help me im about to die but not really because I was never brave enough to finally go

I need to go

I ne hhhhhh what's the point of this. im just talking to myself again like I always have. I didn't even drink water today. really? just the red40 and more discipline IS THIS WHY IM SO SHITTY

I have so much privilege and things to be thankful for and people in my life who should've thrown me away a LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG time ago, but they still sticking around anyway because they're all FUCKING RETARDED

this kind of mindset is why grape culture is still a problem (for those confused, im afraid im not referring to actual grapes. I wish from the bottom of my heart I was), because it's always the victim's fault for staying with the abuser. but now no one cares except the boy's family because he's a boy and is less likely to get [hysically hurt. I've already lost his trust tho. I guess that's what makes me even more not want to try, ive already ruined it. im still here in denial I guess. I lie to myself, "oh maybe sensory overload wont be that big of an issue if we have kids" "ill become more mature by then" "I can just discipline myself"

I had three fucking years. to just do my fucking breathing exercise any time im upset. and I cant even do that. I don't think I should be a part of society because no one will benefit from me. does this mindset also endanger other disabled people? yes it does. does this make me a bad person that doesn't care about other people? yes it does. I realized nature is so perfect because disabled individuals DIE.

I wasn't potty trained until 4, and I read somewhere that people who have anger issues tended to be potty trained later in life. so I guess im a shithead. I also had pneumonia when I was 3. I should've been dead.

don't worry about me I am very unlikely to die. im really just writing out my negative thoughts so I can stop thinking about them because I know I can just go back and look at this later.

I was tripping so many balls and I screamed so so loud out the CAR WINDOW....

there is no career for me besides the circus. except im not even funny, im just weird and annoying and violent. he's going to lose his job because of me. they're gonna pay more money to the apartment complex because I keep slamming the doors and breaking shit. I break so much shit I need to die. fbi please assassinate me at this point, I am literally only going to cause damage if I am kept alive. I should not have children. passing my genes down would be a crime. no human should live with such a poor miserable mind. im not doing that to my kids. I couldnt hope to ever apologize enough if I have a kid and they suffer the same way I did.

I have every blessing in the world and I somehow manage to be the most miserable scumbag piece of shit abusive person

he says he hates himself and he could not possibly hate himself more than I hate myself

idk what im even saying. I think my episode is almost done, but man the red40 is weird. im kinda at the point where im too tired to be angry and now im just kinda really tired and lightheaded and I cant pay attention anymore. my arms are weaker fingers cold.

I guess it was the red40 because I was doing alright but then I ate that last night. I also had another huge episode about a week ago (I broke up and also told his mom im breaking up) (yes and then I took it back after eating protein) (how am I still alive, you ask???) (please tell me idk either) ( my stress tolerance must be WILD) (im lowkey waiting for a random obsessive person to figure out the lore and say something mysterious or something idk I hate it when im in a rush and something is too mysterious and then I cant figure it out and it angers my poor fragile little ego) (yes im one of those people that give up on learning if im not good at it within 3 tries)

I suck at cleaning up after myself (I didn't clean the stove after cooking) and I forgot to mention I mopped the floors (there was grease on the floor and I didn't clean it when it was a puddle and it spread so I mopped the floor) but it's not useful to mop the floors apparently. just not as important as the stove because more stuff is on there. and the mop fuck I just feel so unappreciated but I also am aware that it makes sense that the stove is more urgent. I just keep putting my effort in the wrong places.

my movements are not steady I should drink water and eat something for the first time today

wait I had at least two dreams where I was screaming really loud but I couldnt hear myself what do those mean?

idk man I get torn between self pity and shame. its always one extreme or the other. its either "oh my god im so sad look at how sad it was omg why are people so insensitive when im obviously struggling?" or "omfg I cant stand

"you don't care enough to solve a problem, you only care enough to cause a problem" - my loving boyfriend whose family probably cant fucking stand me and is probably praying day and night for something to happen to me so I can finally be out of their lives

this is what I get for talking about my feelings. this is what I get. and he says im not paying attention to the context. maybe I am. maybe the devil is smiling as he separates us, a supposedly perfect couple.

I need to clone myself so I can fuck but also so I can kill myself and mutilate my dead body and wear my skin over my face and squeeze the blood from my heart into a basin of soju so I can take a bath in it and drink it all. i would also investigate the lungs if I remember to smoke with the clone before I kill it. dude smoking with my clone would be so cool but it would also make killing myself a little more sad

I think part of my problem is that one of my trauma responses is

Mind: oh man there's a lot of loud noise and hostile energy going around, and negotiating is not making it stop, what do we do? Mind: hmmmm how about we also get extremely loud and wear ourselves out so we physically can't process or do anything for the next 5 hours? Mind: wait excuse me what?

I wanna live in a little wood box alone in some forest for the rest of my life. I wouldn't be happy but id certainly be more comfortable. no person to please, no expectation from any human or animal, no task or thing I have to work on. just me, my delusions, and my little box. occasionally I will go and get food and water and that's it. I don't ever want to interact with anything again. I'll just die one day in the forest

which is what I would say if I wasn't a fucking pussy. im too scared to leave the people in my life and I love my mother too much. maybe I'll run away forever after my parents pass away. and I can be happy with my mom again. like I always wanted.

stay safe baby birds much love <3

and remember!

There's no such thing as the "right time".

[dianight]

A dream I had today. Gore below I guess.

So the first part I remember that has nothing to do with the "main plot" was me checking the fridge on my grandma's house. There was nothing but greeneries and fruit, and somehow there was also ice cream melting because it was on the fridge. I decided against opening the freezer underneath.

From there I ended where the interesting part takes place, but I don't remember if it was like a random transition or there was something else in between.

So I wake up (or just start awake) on some sort of facility, there is some dude patrolling and I hide then run away from him. I just run around for a while seeing what's there and I find like a cockpit kind of thing. So it was a spaceship. Then I keep going and I find a massive bathroom/sauna. When I go out there's two women out there. I can't remember exactly what they say but the idea is clear, they want to kill me. I try to run from them and I end up on an open space, like there's some reeds and like a bit of water everywhere. Still on the ship, there's like a glass surrounding the top so you can see a big star and it looks like you're on Earth. They find and they beat me up by the way. It hurt a lot.

I wake up at the start again and somehow go through the same exact scenario but now that I know where things are I try to hide from the women, eventually they find me and they beat to death again because "I'm not taking care of by bodily functions" aka eating and shitting that somehow powers the ship (<- what?).

I wake up again and I realize it's some sort of loop. Somehow I remember what's happening and they talk to me as if it doesn't matter because they are just there to torture/kill me. Not ok but I keep going. As in. I keep running away and getting pummeled a few times. I'll add here that at some point I also realize that the first dude and the two women are androids.

Eventually instead of hiding from the first dude I stay on some ventilation thingy and wait to drop on him. He's either dead or unconcious so I get more time to explore around before they find me again. At this point when I get killed there's some sort of interface ala video game where I see four numbers on the bottom. Whenever I get attacked the two on the left start to go down and eventually reach zero. I assume one of them is health and the other one something to do with food(??). The other two go down when I die/lose conciousness and when they reach zero the loop resets.

There is some sort of "montage" where I drop on the first dude over and over during the loops and every time he seems more aware that he is going to get attacked until eventually he catches me and we fight. At this point I'm strong (whatever that means) so it doesn't matter and I proceed as usual. There is some sort of voice/companion helping me distract him during the montage and other times as well.

Since I took on the dude I decide to fight the two women. We hit each other a few times until my health/life goes to zero and I drop. Somehow even though I'm dead/unconcious I can still move and I see things in like grey now and there's like a glowing blueish rolled up piece of paper. As I grab it I fully die and the loop resets again.

Somehow I know that by doing that the androids are not going to "pretend" to be humans anymore and just chase me from the start. I wait for the first dude and when he doesn't come I go top of the ship and I find him breaking the glass that covers it.

We fight for a bit and he is much stronger now. He literally kicks and rips my arms away. It hurt. I bleed out and die like that.

Next time I go to the bath/sauna which is where I touched the paper last time. There's nothing there this time and I go to the cockpit while the two women chase me. There's nothing there either and I get crushed into the floor. As I'm dying again there's a sort of flashback.

There's like a presentation in some sort of conference and they explain a way to read memories, but it's dangerous and damages the brain. There's a mention of a project with the spaceship I'm in and some other stuff. They mention me specifically.

At this point I'm still laying on the floor dead and made into flesh paste while the two women are like, taking out chunks of my brain. In the dead but quite state I'm in (spirit?) I reach out toward a cat statue(!?) that's now there and smash it before fully dying.

Somehow I know that by doing that everyone has forgotten that they are androids and probably won't try to chase me anymore, but there's like a sort of "to be continued" with the implication that I might also be an android and not be aware of it.

There's meant to be a loop but the pain of being torn apart literally wakes me up this time.

The first thing I thought this morning was "oh thank fuck there's not another loop it was starting to hurt for real".

Very SOMA-esque, and maybe Signalis inspired (<- haven't played it). Like usually when I "die" in dreams I wake up but this time it felt like a movie/video game at times. It did hurt every time though and I wouldn't wake up, I'd still say it was a dream and not a nightmare by virtue of having some agency, even if things didn't really make much sense.

[spocks-husband]

I finally made it to season three of Picard, so as I said I would to a very very good friend who happens to be quite important to the creation of this show (🤭) I am gonna live blog the first episode and possibly others! So yeah let's go :3

-i love the ink spots dude this soundtrack goes so hard

-OMG ITS BABYGIRL BEVERLEY

-Shes so cheekbones

-omg she has a gun yasss

-OHH MY GOD NO THEY SHOT BABYGIRL

-erm that phaser rifle is NOT set to stun 🤓☝🏽

-can I ask why this whole opening scene is made up of like two colors--

-OOH NEW TITLE SEQUENCE HELLO??

-i want a painting of the 1701-D in my house :(

-little Bajoran statue on his desk..... That's there specifically for me......

-THE FLUTE OH MY GOD

-i love my beautiful boyfriend Jean-Luc

-omg I know the computer voice she's my favorite person ever 🤭🤭

-THE old uniform omg I'm screaming

-the lighting is giving sub rosa for some reason

-that was very cryptic Beverly are you fucking your grandma's old ghost boyfriend again

-why would she cut them off?? That's. Very odd

-its been two seasons of this already but can I ask why the Romula OH MY GOD SHE KISSED MY BOYFRIEND

-GET OFF HIM YOU FREAK HES MINEEEE

-RAHHH

-sorry I'm normal I promise

-AGGGHHHH WILL IS SO HOT

-The fat ones help 😭😭

-if they make Deanna and Will fight I will LOSE MY SHIT

-i'm so glad will is gonna be actually relevant in this season I missed him sm 😭

-this reminds me of the Orion bar on Nimbus III that you go to for that one mission in Star Trek Online that I can't beat lmao

-does being able to recognize and distinguish different star trek alien scripts make me a nerd ☹️

-SEVEN AND RAFFI BROKE UP????

-broooo

-i wasn't all that attached to them actually it's fine

-why is everyone having a mental breakdown and it's only episode one 💀

-i wanna have my bones crunched by a hot Orion man........ He's so green and beautiful.........

-earth space dock is a lot quieter outside STO lmao

-neo constitution?????

-OMGGGG HI SEVENNN

-making seven use her human name when she pretty explicitly doesn't like that is sooo cute........ I don't trust this new captain.......

-OMG GEORDI'S BABY??????

-NOOOOOO OH MY GODDD I'M LOSING IT

-is geordi not gay. Is that not actually canon. Did I make that up. I think I made that up.

-wathcing Jean-Luc and Will harass each other is my favorite thing so far

-New captain is kinda hot unfortunately ☹️

-Oh god and he's an asshole. That's my type. Oh God. Oh no.

-dude I can't stand this man. But also I need him.

-"bragging rights" will please

-everytime Jean-Luc gets something about modern starfleet wrong and embarrasses himself I contemplate suicide

-DUDE THIS GUY SUCKS

-"ACTUAL OFFICERS"??? DUDEEEE

-fuck this guy actually

-THE EX-BORG COMMENT??? HOLY SHITTTT KILL YOURSELFFF

-nvm he's not hot anymore he was mean to my boyfriend

-raffi needs help dude is she okay 😭

-13 COURT MARIAL LEVEL OFFENSES???? DUDEEE

-Uhhhh what's up with this. Handler thing.

-the warrior comment made me think Klingon but that's probably very very wrong lmao

-AWWW THEY GOT BUNK BEDS!! They're having a sleepover :3

-angry Will is really really hot. Sorry. Sorry. I'll leave.

-seven is so cool I'm losing it

-OH OMG OMG SEVEN COMMITTED MUTINY THATS SO SILLY YESSS

-yeah no I can't stand this guy

-OLD MEN COMMITING CRIMESSS

-The special effects in this show are so bomb I actually don't care what you all are going to say, you have no whimsy and joy

-OH FUCK THAT STARFLEET BUILDING JUST HOLY SHIT NOW ITS COMING OUT OF THE SKY HELLOO????

-Jonathan Frakes has never done anything wrong in his life and I'm obsessed with him

-will stop playing with the cremated remains

-i'm so tired of British people dude

-YEAHHH BEAT HIS ASS WILL aw he's done nvm...

-HER WHAT???? HER HUH????? HELLO????

-oh that ship is totally fine and not terrifying at all

Overall rating, 9/10. Very solid.

[pesterloglog]

Roxy Lalonde, John Egbert

Act 6, page 6453-6459

ROXY: hay look

ROXY: its jake stuffed in a blue windsock

ROXY: heheheh

JOHN: huh?

ROXY: n/m

ROXY: so what kind of hot god tier trix can you teach me

JOHN: tricks...

JOHN: i guess i don't know any actual TRICKS per se, aside from how to use some of my powers.

JOHN: but i don't know if the same tricks apply to using your powers...

ROXY: u said u could help tho

JOHN: i said MAYBE i could!

JOHN: i dunno, i was just throwing it out there.

JOHN: like, maybe if i told you about some of the experiences i had when i was learning to do my windy stuff, you might have some kind of... voidey epiphany?

ROXY: a voidey epiphany

JOHN: yes.

ROXY: k then

ROXY: im all ears johnny windsock

ROXY: let loose ur wisdom whilst i rake in the epiphanies

JOHN: ok, um,

JOHN: i've noticed whenever i learn to do new things with my powers, it's usually in response to something. like something important that has to be done.

JOHN: so why are you trying to make this spike ball?

JOHN: and how important does it feel to you?

ROXY: well at first i was mainly tryin to make it because dog girl was forcing me to

ROXY: but now i think i keep trying because im gettin obsessed with making this dumb spikeball and PO'd that i cant do it

JOHN: i see.

JOHN: what actually IS this spike ball, if you don't mind my asking?

ROXY: its an alien egg

ROXY: 4 tha trolls

ROXY: to hatch em all back to life

ROXY: but only to be ruled by an evil witch so its gonna be shitty for them

ROXY: so yeah its kind of an important thing

ROXY: but at the same time it would probably be terrible if i actually made it so...

JOHN: then maybe the fact that you're conflicted about it is why you're having trouble?

ROXY: yeh maybe

JOHN: if you think it's important to make, but don't want to give it to the bad guys, why don't you just...

JOHN: break out of jail?

JOHN: then you could try to make the egg at your own discretion, and use it however you think is best.

ROXY: idk

ROXY: i broke outta here once already and the fuckin witch just nabbed me again

ROXY: and that was BEFORE she recruited jakes omnipotent goofball grandma to zap me back here the moment i step outside

JOHN: yeah. it is a tricky situation with grimbark jade on the loose, that's for sure.

JOHN: but i've been managing to evade her.

JOHN: i just swoosh the breeze around to hide my scent, and dissolve into wind and fly away if she finds me.

JOHN: maybe you could do something like that too?

JOHN: it seems to me if anyone should be able to avoid detection using their powers, it would be a void player.

JOHN: get it? a void... as in, avoid?

JOHN: heh.

ROXY: that is legit sound reasoning yo

ROXY: + a way lame pun 2 boot

ROXY: but remember how we were just talkin about the fact that when it comes to god tier shit i dont know what the eff im doin??

JOHN: oh.

JOHN: right.

ROXY: anyway

ROXY: i thought you were going to regale me with stories of your ascent through the windsock tiers

ROXY: such that i may through osmosis glean the vagaries of godhood

ROXY: then all i got to do is wait for this rude tidal wave of epiphanies n junk to wash over me and get me hella wise

ROXY: then and only then

ROXY: i will b able to make this shitty egg happen

ROXY: k?

JOHN: ok. where should i start?

ROXY: at the beginning!

JOHN: you mean like when i first became a god tier?

JOHN: that's a long story... i was kind of tricked into that.

JOHN: it might take some setup to understand.

ROXY: dude look

ROXY: i dont have grand illusions that this yarn you spinll be like some actual efficacious tutelage on fuckin pajama spells

ROXY: i just want to hear u talk about stuff

ROXY: wanna kno ur stories!!!

ROXY: go :3

JOHN: alright.

JOHN: in that case, i guess it all started on my thirteenth birthday.

JOHN: which was three years ago, by the way.

JOHN: i heard about this awesome game, or at least one i thought was awesome, and i wanted to play it with my friends.

JOHN: but it wasn't so easy to start. i had to get it from the mail, which meant sneaking around the house while avoiding my dad.

JOHN: which was kind of stupid and childish in retrospect, but blah blah blah.

JOHN: blah blah blah blah blah.

JOHN: blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.

ROXY: hmmmmm

ROXY: go on

JOHN: blah blah blah blah blah blah blah meteor.

JOHN: blah blah blah.

JOHN: blah blah blah blah blah nannasprite blah blah blah blah oil everywhere blah blah blah blah blah blah imps blah blah blah.

ROXY: m hm

JOHN: blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.

JOHN: blah blah blah your daughter blah blah at least i think she is blah blah blah blah.

JOHN: blah salamanders blah blah blah.

JOHN: blah blah blah blah blah trolls blah blah blah blah blah rocketpack blah blah blah died.

ROXY: rly

JOHN: blah blah karkat blah blah blah blah blah ectobiology.

JOHN: blah blah blah jack noir.

JOHN: blah blah blah blah blah blah blah queen's ring blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah my dad blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah a girl named vriska.

JOHN: blah blah blah blah windy thing blah blah blah blah blah blah ocean of green fire.

ROXY: wow

JOHN: blah blah blah quest bed blah blah blah blah blah.

JOHN: blah blah prototyped blah blah blah blah blah blah blah jade's omnipotent dog.

JOHN: blah blah chess guy blah blah blah blah blah flying around in my dad's car blah blah blah blah blah blah blah liv tyler.

JOHN: blah the battlefield blah blah blah blah huge wind drill blah blah blah blah the tumor.

JOHN: blah blah.

ROXY: pls continue

JOHN: blah blah blah followed rose blah blah blah blah blah blah blah mom and dad died blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah kissed her back to life.

JOHN: blah blah blah blah the scratch.

JOHN: blah blah huge record blah blah blah blah blah blah giant needle.

JOHN: blah blah blah blah blah green sun blah blah blah blah blah reset blah blah blah blah blah god tier jade blah blah blah blah blah blah blah golden battleship.

ROXY: ur kiddin me

JOHN: blah blah blah blah blah through a giant window.

JOHN: blah blah three years blah blah blah blah blah blah con air.

JOHN: blah blah thought it sucked blah blah blah blah but eventually came to my senses blah blah.

JOHN: blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah ghost busters 2 mmorpg.

ROXY: mm

JOHN: blah blah blah blah blah blah DUEL WITH JACK NOIR!

JOHN: blah blah blah TURNED INTO WIND AND ESCAPED blah blah blah blah blah blah.

JOHN: blah blah blah blah COOL HAT WITH RABBIT EARS!

ROXY: oooh

JOHN: blah blah blah CRACKS IN PARADOX SPACE blah blah blah ENCHANTED DESERT blah blah blah MAGIC RING!

JOHN: blah blah ADVENTURE ON THE HIGH SEAS blah blah blah blah blah blah GHOSTLY TROLL PIRATES!

JOHN: blah ULTIMATE WEAPON blah blah blah blah blah blah DEFEAT LORD ENGLISH!

ROXY: !!

JOHN: blah blah blah blah HOUSE SHAPED THINGY!

JOHN: blah blah POKED MY HAND INSIDE blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah UNSTUCK IN CANON!

JOHN: blah blah blah TURNED BLURRY blah blah blah blah CLOWNS ON TOP OF THE WHITE HOUSE blah blah blah blah VAMPIRE HISSED AT ME blah blah blah blah LITERALLY INSIDE CON AIR blah blah blah GLITCHY BULLSHIT blah blah blah MET MYSELF blah blah blah blah FINALLY FOUND YOU HIDING IN THIS LITTLE GREEN PYRAMID! WHEW!

ROXY: omg

JOHN: so that's...

JOHN: pretty much the whole story?

JOHN: i left a bunch of stuff out though.

JOHN: if more important stuff that i forgot occurs to me, i will let you know.

ROXY: hey no thats fine

ROXY: that was all great and exciting as heck

ROXY: it sounds like you guys got up to a lot more crazy shit than we did

ROXY: for us its been mostly dicking around in a session full of spooky skeletons for half a year

ROXY: then fefeta died

ROXY: the end

JOHN: fefeta?

ROXY: fefeta was a dear sweet precious dear DEAR friend of mine

ROXY: she was beautiful and sweet and lovely

ROXY: she sploded

JOHN: wow.

JOHN: i'm sorry.

ROXY: oh we also became tricksters which as far as things that happen go was sooo dumb

ROXY: i guess thats kinda the epilogue of our story?

ROXY: oh yeah then we had hangovers and went god tier accidentally

ROXY: thats the double epilogue

ROXY: the end ex two combo

JOHN: i don't know, that all sounds pretty interesting to me.

JOHN: sometimes in life, when you look back on things it can feel like it was all boring and uneventful.

JOHN: but when you really think about it, you remember all these cool things that happened you forgot about.

ROXY: hm yeah

ROXY: them wise words j sock

JOHN: anyway, if you remember more about your adventure and want to tell me some time, i would love to hear it!

ROXY: haha ok

ROXY: um but hey

ROXY: i could not help but notice in ur story you was talkin about my mom sometimes

JOHN: your mom?

JOHN: well, yeah. but i know her as your daughter.

JOHN: but i mean, who the hell knows at this point?

ROXY: i know rite

ROXY: the curious case of the mutual moms

ROXY: it is

ROXY: the biggest mystery?

ROXY: u no

ROXY: once i even caught wind of some lore that implied i might even be my OWN mom

ROXY: (fefeta hinted that @ me once during a long spiel DAMN that girl could talk)

ROXY: how messed up would that be tho

JOHN: there is probably something to that actually.

JOHN: you were all the first batch of babies, after all.

JOHN: i think you were literal copies of yourselves?

JOHN: that's what it supposedly means to be a paradox clone.

ROXY: babies

ROXY: wat

JOHN: oh.

JOHN: i guess i kind of glossed over this stuff in my story.

JOHN: but i was the one who made us all in the first place, with a weird cloning machine.

ROXY: no fuckin shit???

ROXY: *is impressed*

JOHN: it was no big deal though. i was just messing around with a control panel, and some babies appeared.

ROXY: so we already met huh

ROXY: and i dont even remember because i was just some idiot bb

ROXY: that aint fair!

JOHN: come to think of it, we met one other time too.

JOHN: but you were asleep.

ROXY: ??

JOHN: you were floating around in purple pajamas, and i pushed you out of the way of a flying fork.

JOHN: i almost forgot about that. but yep, that was you alright.

ROXY: you shoulda woke me up then

JOHN: i might have, but the fork stabbed me in the chest, and dream killed my sleep ghost. or something.

JOHN: you know how it is with dream logic.

ROXY: u mean how it makes lil 2 no sense ever

JOHN: yes, exactly.

JOHN: i guess i didn't think much about it at the time, but i had a sneaky suspicion that's who you were.

JOHN: you really look a lot like rose.

JOHN: she is looking for you, by the way.

ROXY: yeah?????

JOHN: she told me to go find you. and i did.

JOHN: so, she says hi.

ROXY: o man

ROXY: what else did she say

JOHN: uh.

JOHN: she said...

JOHN: she's looking forward to meeting you?

ROXY: awwwwww

ROXY: well if u see her again before i do tell her i cant wait to meet her too

ROXY: though tbh im kinda nervous about it but dont tell her that part haha

JOHN: sure!

JOHN: there's nothing to be nervous about though.

JOHN: she's just a nice nerd who likes to read and knit.

ROXY: i shouldnt be surprised to hear that

ROXY: me and all my friends are a bunch of silly nerds too

ROXY: even dirk who thinks hes 2 cool 4 school

ROXY: when in reality he is nowhere close to clearing the coolness threshold which exempts one from attending an educational institution :p

JOHN: speaking of which...

JOHN: i've been wondering where he is?

JOHN: i know jade's grandpa is in jail too, getting badgered by my evil nanna...

ROXY: u mean jake n jane

JOHN: yes, sorry.

JOHN: but i have not seen hide nor hair of dave's bro yet.

ROXY: i figured he got thrown in jail too

ROXY: although come to think of it i probly would have heard a bloody ruckus by now resulting from his inevitable escape attempt

JOHN: hmm.

ROXY: im not that worried about him though hes good at takin care of himself

ROXY: in fact i feel like all of us will be ok now that you guys are here

ROXY: but

ROXY: there is still one of my friends im worried about the most

JOHN: who?

ROXY: shes my best friend

ROXY: well ok

ROXY: i got a few best friends u know?

JOHN: yes.

ROXY: but she was always kind of a special best friend

ROXY: and last time i saw her she was in big trouble

JOHN: oh no.

JOHN: where is she?

ROXY: in the afterlife

ROXY: being dead

JOHN: ...

ROXY: her bro killed her

ROXY: which is bad enough

ROXY: but now hes out there

ROXY: hunting for her ghost

ROXY: shes doing her best to hide

ROXY: but her bro is an awful and relentless piece of shit and im afraid

ROXY: im afraid she might be already gone :(

JOHN: you're right, that is very concerning.

JOHN: who is she? would i know of her?

ROXY: dunno

ROXY: how in the loop are you on cherubs?

JOHN: oh!

JOHN: surprisingly, i know a LOT about that subject.

JOHN: for instance, did you know they turn into gigantic snakes when they have sex?

ROXY: :O

ROXY: :O

ROXY: :O

JOHN: i know. weird, right?

JOHN: that's probably not very relevant to the topic at hand, though.

ROXY: yeah prob not

ROXY: anyway u know about lord english right

JOHN: uh huh.

ROXY: ok well

ROXY: shes his sister

ROXY: her name is calliope

JOHN: ohhh.

JOHN: ok, this is starting to make sense.

ROXY: yep

ROXY: shes supposed to be critical to defeatin him somehow

ROXY: shes going on some quest out there to find a deadlier version of herself or whatever

ROXY: i dunno that could be all be true...

ROXY: and maybe its selfish of me but all i rly care about now is if shes ok??

JOHN: i understand. she is your friend.

JOHN: i would feel the same way.

ROXY: :)

JOHN: wait a minute...

JOHN: i've got it!

ROXY: got what

JOHN: i have such a good idea that would solve your problem.

ROXY: ????

JOHN: all you have to do is bring her back to life!

ROXY: how

JOHN: easy.

JOHN: i have a magic ring!

ROXY: what

ROXY: u have one too

JOHN: yes!

JOHN: wait. what do you mean too?

JOHN: you have a magic ring??

ROXY: i HAD one

ROXY: fuckin lost it though

ROXY: made peeps invisible who put it on

JOHN: ah.

JOHN: no, mine doesn't do that.

JOHN: it brings ghosts back to life!

ROXY: FUCK

ROXY: no wai

JOHN: yes wai. way.

JOHN: it's back at my house.

JOHN: i could go get it right now!

ROXY: damn son

ROXY: i find this 2 be some truly baller happenstance

ROXY: if ur claim is true im.......

ROXY: im cry :')

JOHN: it is quite true.

JOHN: it should be a piece of cake.

JOHN: you just wear it when you go to sleep, and it comes with you in your dreams.

JOHN: then you find your cherub friend, put it on her finger, and bring her back!

JOHN: i think you can only use it once though. so once she's wearing it, it would be hers forever, or at least as long as she wants it.

ROXY: yo

ROXY: yooooo

ROXY: john thats amazing

ROXY: i dunno though that sounds like

ROXY: such an obscenely precious commodity

ROXY: u sure you want to let me use it?

JOHN: sure.

JOHN: it's no big deal, really.

JOHN: for a while i was hanging on to it, thinking that i might give it to...

JOHN: aw man, this is going to sound dumb.

ROXY: hm?

JOHN: there was a girl who i was considering giving it to, for some reason.

JOHN: remember? she was the diabolical one who figured prominently in my long story.

ROXY: um

ROXY: oh yea

ROXY: fresca right

JOHN: yes, close enough.

JOHN: see, she REALLY wanted that ring.

JOHN: and she found out i had it, and...

JOHN: honestly, i'm not sure why it even crossed my mind to give it to her?

JOHN: i guess i was just used to the idea that i liked her for some reason.

JOHN: at least i thought i did.

JOHN: it was a stupid idea based on hardly anything. like one day of conversations.

JOHN: but since i've gotten to know her better...

JOHN: i don't know.

JOHN: i think i might actually...

JOHN: kind of hate her?

ROXY: yeah?

JOHN: yeah, she's...

JOHN: actually pretty awful!

JOHN: she's so full of herself, and mean to her friends, and...

JOHN: dangerous.

JOHN: really, really dangerous.

ROXY: ouch

ROXY: well what can i say john

ROXY: love sux

JOHN: yeah. it does.

JOHN: anyway, i don't think i can let anyone like that have the ring.

ROXY: but u dont mind trustin me w it?

JOHN: no!

JOHN: it's funny, after spending some time with a person who is legitimately crazy, it becomes easy to tell right away when someone...

JOHN: isn't?

ROXY: lol

ROXY: u sure about that

JOHN: well, yeah, everyone is a little crazy. i just mean not BAD crazy.

JOHN: besides, you don't even want the ring for yourself.

JOHN: you want to give it to someone you care about.

JOHN: that is what makes you one of the good guys.

ROXY: what a nice thing to say

ROXY: i bet sayin stuff like that is why ur their leader

JOHN: what makes you think i'm the leader?

ROXY: come on dude you are obvs the leader of otherkid teamsquad

ROXY: i can just tell

JOHN: haha, ok. i'll take that as a compliment.

JOHN: anyway, i'll go get the ring now.

ROXY: yay!

ROXY: ill wait here

ROXY: no need to set off the alarms with a daring escape just yet

ROXY: lets keep em lulled into a false sense of control over the sitch

ROXY: we can start scheming under their nose while u keep sneakin around undetected

ROXY: the last thing we want is for all hell to break loose before we know what were doin

JOHN: yeah, that's a good plan.

JOHN: if i had to guess, i'd say you must be the leader of your team squad too, right?

ROXY: naaaw

ROXY: that's jane

ROXY: as you can see shes the one with a knack for ruthless executive authority

ROXY: is a shame she only uses it when evil tho :(

JOHN: yeah.

JOHN: but maybe we can do something about that, if we work together.

ROXY: :D

JOHN: alright. off i go.

JOHN: keep practicing your powers!

JOHN: see you, roxy.

[thatbitchkimkelly]

to be serious I think season 2,

revisit Lindsay’s fear of death, loss of belief in god or an afterlife from how her grandma went

have her hit a peak and then a wall where she realizes the pleasure she gets from friends, music, drugs, dancing, sex (potentially) isn’t making up for that loss and she’s still terrified and avoiding it

don’t vilify these things as an escape from nihilism and fear of permanent death, meaninglessness in life, but have it be clear it isn’t the whole answer either and idk have her go through it to get to a stronger sense of meaning and self

maybe sure have her or someone around her overdose or near it at some point but don’t set it up like it’s inevitable set it up like it’s using a dangerous thing wrong.

obviously I think Lindsay and Kim should experience a mutual bi-wakening on the tour. Then some complicated relationship plots, closet issues, potential homophobia/treating it as lesser, exploitation or threats from some guys they know especially, still not entirely getting each other or valuing each other fully despite how there is something there

Kim has to realize she’s basically addicted to harassing people to vent and it’s got to fuck some shit up for her and other people badly for her to realize that. She sees herself becoming like her mom and freaks out about it until Lindsay or someone works it out with her that Kim’s mom either never had that realization or she pushed it down and went on so it’s not like it’s inevitable and now is the time to face it

This reprises in a later ep when Kim is being aggressive in GOOD contexts that save their asses but Lindsay keeps intervening — overcorrecting and shaming her like she’s still just doing it for her own ego and need to hurt others for fun and Kim can’t stand it. Vacillates between trying to conform to these new standards but getting frustrated and going to excesses rebelling against them only to get shamed for good reasons and returning to avoiding all conflict. Eventually she snaps in a situation where someone needs to have backbone and that bitch is her and she is able to distinguish the OTHER reason why she has got to be tough — survival and not getting walked all over. For herself and others. She explains what’s good about that and from then on has a much better balance on who her targets are and why. She’s still going to stand her ground, even pick fights and beat people up but it’s going to be for a good reason.

I could see Kim sleeping around and getting pregnant on the tour and that being a thing but I could also see that not happening. Honestly if the writers wanted an interesting pregnancy twist — make it Millie. About half of the teen pregnant girls at my school were the most religious ones. I have to think it’s because that made it more likely they keep it. Also they were often obsessed with keeping a boyfriend who would marry them because their religion said they had to, and they had shitty sex ed. Sometimes pulled out of the already shitty class by their parents. Sad really.

I would probably do Millie and Kim both pregnant and Kim gets an abortion but Millie doesn’t, loads of issues around both paths highlighting how fucked up it is to get pregnant and how it ruins lives. Millie gets the worse outcome though between the two. She gets focused totally on the baby but the whole thing is not romantic, the guy doesn’t stick around and he gets to go to a different school and ignore it all, and she doesn’t have enough support even with her family helping. Lindsay tries to get her to care about academics again or literally anything else but as usual has to learn there are some hard limits on what people can do, no matter how much they try. And who knows where that goes.

Idk beyond that these are just thoughts so far

If I wrote on this I’d need co authors to help me care about the dudes more lmao

I even like their characters as being real to life and useful in the plot just don’t know what to do with them other than no fucking way does Nick join the military though sure maybe his dad pressures him within an inch of his life. Daniel can have his go to jail plot though.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

hello! a long while back I sent in an ask about my brother being abusive and that the situation was being handled and thoughg I'd update and vent:

tw for drugs, abuse, verbal abuse, suicide, ed

I didnt speak to him for four months because I was honestly just over it. Over him and his excuses and I mean there was no hate there I just was done. Then he randomly got so drunk he got alcohol poisoning and my mom kind of went "he loves you so much it breaks my heart you guys arent talking". And I'll admit I let it get to me but at the same time he put himself in that position with me. I have a right to set my boundaries.

Anyway over last month we made up and have been talking again but after he again got really nasty with me we actually sat down and talked about it. I told him hey when you speak to me like that, it makes me feel like utter shit. For a long time it really messed me up and I'm pretty disappointed that after four months of not talking to you because you treated me like that, that you go and do the same thing just when we were getting to be normal again.

He apologized and was pretty hard on himself; he admitted that hes just so angry all the time and he hates himself - that after the first fight which led us to not talk that he fucked his arm up as punishment. Just listed all the negatives and horrible things about himself and his situation etc. And while I do have empathy for him, I just told him that it's his responsibility to work on his behavior and mental health. He didn't ask to get fucked for life but it's his responsibility and just because he's going through something it doesn't mean he can treat me badly. I went into slight detail about how throughout this year I've tried to kill myself three times, relapsed in my ED, have relived traumatic events, etc. But through all that I was kind albeit stressed with my younger siblings.

I know he isn't me and that I can't compare but I said it as a way to say "I see you and understand but you've gotta step up man" because for years it's been shit plus shit and more shit. I said maybe he'd benefit from talking to someone- he has the money to afford the sessions and the time so he shoukd think about it. And he said he will.

Come three weeks later he's still getting high off his ass, drinking, and even though hes really skinny already he bought diet pills. He's been an addict in the past with drugs and I'm kind of ticked that my parents aren't seeing it. Literally he got home with the pills and my dad says "Mijo, you gotta be careful with those things. Have you seen yourself in pictures? Maybe you should" and I know that's meant to be like "dude you're skinny already" but this needs more than a 'be careful' because last time that happened it was me who cleaned up his cuts and had to see him be sent off to the psych ward. Not only that but his behavior triggers me constantly and I'm now starting to detach from him. Its not like we talked much before anyway but I mean now with the diet pills and everything I just can't be around him.

I love him but I just, I dont care anymore. In the past I use to be angry; when he went to the psych ward my family was all over it - my grandparents would have him over and drove him around and talk with him, my dad started researching about OCD and Depression to be able to help him, my mom was there everytime he had a panic attack at night and let him sleep in their bed, and he was receiving real treatment by a therapist and psychiatrist.

But still he just seemed unappreciative of it, he couldn't not see past how shitty his life/he was and I get it you know I'm not saying "grow up you're sucha whiner" but, I dont know.

And after seeing him be so cared for and getting help I decided to tell my parents I think I have depression and, nothing ever came of that. They said "okay", gave me a hug, and that was it. There was no research for me, no time with grandma and grandpa, no therapist. Him and I are only a year apart. It took me two years to go to a therapist myself and realize "hey um you're a little more than depressed" and still, my family doesn't cater to it. It's all him.

Your brother cant sleep through the night? Okay let's remove his door (which is the only thing separating our rooms).

Your brother is having trouble with addiction? Okay let's do mom and dad dates with him and make sure he's catered to.

Your brother is too depressed to get up? Okay you're gonna cover his chores on top of yours from now on.

Your brother is bringing diet pills into the house even though it's very obvious you struggle with eating/have been the same weight since middle school? Just give him a slap on the wrist and let it go.

Hi anon,

Unfortunately it can be challenging for many people to choose to seek help. It's often easier to fall back on unhealthy coping mechanisms than actively work towards self-improvement. It's easy to say you'll commit to therapy and simply not follow through. It's ultimately up to your brother to choose recovery when he's ready, even if everyone around him is impatient. He cannot be forced to do work he isn't prepared for yet, you know?

That being said, just because your brother is going through a lot and potentially numbing you and your family, you still deserve the care you need. It may help to ask for specific accommodations such as therapy or whatever else you may need. You do not deserve to feel invisible in this chaos, especially with issues that have been persistent even before your brother's.

You deserve to take up space, and you deserve to be heard.

I hope you're doing alright. Please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[mr-leach]

I sure got to be woken up early this morning to hear the cops bust into my apartment building and taze a guy, that sure, was something I got to hear happening like 9 meters away from where i go to sleep

I mean, I feel like it was inevitable that this guy was going to be arrested because he was kicked out a few months back, has been squatting in the alleyway leading up to the entrance of the building (not problematic) where he keeps a heap of bike parts from bikes that he definitely stole, took into the the building to dismantle, and supe up his own bike with while selling the extra parts (very problematic and uncool) and also he has been smoking in the foyer outside our front door (also very uncool) and oh also attacked one of our neigbours with a blunt object and shouted racial slurs at her but you know that was a while ago. Oh and he's been regularly stealing everyone's mail like, not just packages left out but physically, prying open mailboxes and taking the contents (including a holiday card from my grandma??? Dude what the fuck) and you know just generally making life miserable for the residents here with no repercussions whatsoever.

Anyway the day before his bike got stolen by someone else (funny) and he flipped out screaming he was gonna kill somebody (not funny) and that day he once again pried open the mailboxes and went through everyone's shit and I guess he couldn't figure out who did it so this morning he decided he was gonna try to kill his gf/dealer (the person living here who was made to kick him out or face eviction but like....you know kept dealing to him and letting him keep his stolen shit in the hallway) and uh. I guess that's what made the cops decide they finally wanted to "help". Probably don't consider it a crime worth coming out for unless they get to assault someone over it tbh.

Like let me be clear they knew about this guy and the landlord knew about this guy and the way he was fucking harassing and stealing from residents here but he's been allowed to just keep hanging around for months. But then he threatens to kill somebody NOT black (and I imagine he had a firearm or bladed weapon otherwise it wouldn't have mattered to them) and they arrive, give the guy .5 seconds to respond, and immediately assault him with their tasers.

Anyway I'm always tired but I'm extra tired today. Like it really didn't have to get to this point tbh but here we are