#i just want him out of my brain. its my fucking goddamn birthday and im making this one a good one for fucking once

[princessmyriad]

.

[orionwhispers]

Sweet Disaster// Tommy Shelby

(A/N - hello. so basically, i had a dream about chris evans, and then i modified it into this tommy imagine. it was supposed to be a drabble but i physically cannot write anything less than 12k words so thats great. honestly this is very similar to ‘fools gold’ but hey, im in the mood for some angsty fluff and fighting with our main guy tom. next tommy imagine will be the lolita wedding and that will be the fluffiest fluff that ever fluffed. thanks for everything, PLS let me know what u think. see you soon! stay safe!) 

trigger warnings: fighting, tommy being a douche, everyone being a dumbass, tommy getting jealous and implied sex.

You saw him on a Saturday night, at a bar on the outskirts of the city.

It had been three months, and you had hoped you would have managed to slip through the cracks; pass through the night like the foxes that roamed in the back alleys - but you had never been that lucky, especially not when he was involved.

It was your friend’s birthday, and you tipped back glass after glass of expensive champagne that bubbled and burned at the back of your throat. The lights were blinding, twinkling chandeliers and the smell of cigarettes and french perfume, something like bergamot and vanilla, lingering in the air.

Your dress was cherry red, your hair tied back with a sequinned headband and your lips and cheeks painted in rouge, but you had never felt so awful. It had been bad enough trying to find something to wear, the contents of your wardrobe tipped all over your floor, a mess of mesh and feather and lace, almost everything reminding you of him, as if he had been stitched right into the fabric. You had ended up curled in a ball on the floor, wiping your tears with the Chanel blouse he had bought back from a business trip in Paris.

Stupid fucking boys.

You could hear the girls talking around you, high pitched giggles and exaggerated voices as they gossiped about something or other that faded into static around you. You had spent the past three months holed up in your flat, only leaving for work or the street market on Sunday, stocking up with bread and wine and cheese, everything carb filled and rich to fill the hole in your heart. 

You weren’t used to the company of others or the hustle and bustle of a crowded room, and you sat back against the plush cherry velvet seats, dreaming of climbing into bed and devouring the slab of dark chocolate you had been saving.

Your close friend Emma, the one who knew the reason you were staring into space and not laughing and drinking with the rest of the girls, placed a manicured hand on your shoulder, and tilted her head slightly.

“How are you holding up?”

You snapped out of your trance.“I’m fine. I’m sorry I’m not much fun right now.”

“Nonsense.” She pushed you lightly, her voice as soft and playful as ever. “At least you came out! It hasn’t been the same without you.”

“Yeah - I’m sure everyone missed having me bawl like a baby and mope around.”

She elbowed you, “Stop bloody feeling sorry for yourself and have a shot! Christ! You can spend the rest of the week wrapped up in your duvet, but tonight - suck it up, and have a drink!”

She handed you a glass of something dark, and you brought it to your lips, tipping it into your throat with a wince. It felt as though you were drinking petrol.

“What the bloody hell was that?”

“Don’t know. Don’t care. All that matters is that it’s top shelf and it came from those fellas over there.” She pointed towards a group of men huddled around the bar. They were shooting quick glances and sly winks towards you and your friends. Sure they were relatively attractive, most likely handsomely rich and dressed in suits that looked finely tailored - but they made your skin crawl.

You hated the way that you would always be comparing other men to him, and you especially hated how they would always come up short.

An hour later and whatever liquor was coursing through your bloodstream had done its job, and everything seemed infinitely brighter. You even found yourself laughing at jokes and stories that you only caught halfway through, the alcohol wonderfully dizzying your brain.

You were so caught up in the rush of being drunk and finally feeling somewhat happy for the first time in forever; that you didn’t realise you had caught the attention of one of the men across the bar. You felt him sidle in next to you, following his friends who had snaked their way into your booth, their arms slung around the girls shoulders, whispering sweet little sentiments into their ears.

“Can I get you a drink?” He asked, so close to you that you could smell the sour whiskey on his tongue, your nose wrinkling.

“I’m fine, thank you.”

Perhaps you had spent so long being ‘Tommy Shelby's girl’ that you had forgotten what it was like when you were being hit on. You had spent so many nights safely tucked under his arm, his hands possessively wrapped around your body, an unspoken threat sent out to everyone and anyone around you - it had been a long time since a man had tried his luck with you.

Perhaps you were so infatuated with him that you never noticed anybody else. Your mind forever filled with visions of oceanic eyes and three piece suits, his Birmingham accent ringing through your ears like a gospel. He invaded all of your thoughts and infiltrated your dreams, and you loathed and loved him for it. The way that he filled your brain and heart like smoke, clouding your decisions and judgments, like some kind of magical elixir, blurring everything but the shape of him.

The man beside you didn’t concede. He cleared his throat, running a finger over the rim of your glass, ignoring the way your eyebrows furrowed and lip curled.

“Let me get you a drink, pretty girl.”

Pretty girl.

It sounded so wrong. It was never pretty girl. It was - darling, sweetheart, princess. It was - my love, honey, kitten. It was said teasingly and exasperatedly, it was whispered in your ear and buried into the space between your thighs. It was never said in the sticky corner of a club, from the greedy mouth of a stranger undressing you with his eyes.

“I’m - ” Taken. But you weren’t, not anymore, and you hated the way the thought of him made your lip wobble. It’s had been three goddamn months, why did the memory of him still make your body go up in flames?

Emma stiffened beside you, waving a dismissive hand at the gentleman speaking to her, and turned to face you and your unmoving suitor.

“We’re alright here, love. Thanks.”

A flicker of annoyance. His fingers tightening until his knuckles turned white, his tongue running across the ridge of his front teeth. He obviously didn’t take rejection well, and he was doing a shitty job at hiding it.

“Are you sure? It looks like she could do with another drink.”

You swallowed thickly, eyes rolling back at the way he dismissed you and spoke as though you were incapable of thinking for yourself.

“I’m fine.” Your words were curt and clipped, a clear indication of your disinterest, but he refused to back down.

“You shouldn’t be here all alone.”

“I’m not alone.”

“Really? What kind of man would leave a pretty little thing like you all by herself?”

“The kind of man that would punch you in the fucking teeth for speaking to her like that.”

You froze.

Oh Christ.

A million irreverent, evil, blasphemous phrases hurtled inside of your mind, and you knew that if Polly somehow ever caught wind of what you were thinking, you would be on the receiving end of a sharp slap around the head.

He was here. Of bloody course he was. He had a knack for showing up out of the blue and knocking all of the wind from your lungs.

It hurt like an open wound, feeling his eyes on you, the same ones that had looked at you with love and humour and gentleness, and not being able to fully meet his gaze - knowing just how much it would hurt if you did.

“She’s with me.”

His voice was firm, laced with the same sort of dismissive irritability he used to use whenever somebody tried their luck with you. This time was different however, you couldn’t roll your eyes and kiss him, you couldn’t put your head in the crook of his neck or mutter that you were his under the golden chandeliers, his fingers digging into the flesh of your hip.

You couldn’t do any of that anymore, because you weren’t.

The man seemed pick up on the tension, clicking his tongue slyly, unaware of the consequences his words would have. “Doesn’t seem like she is.”

“Get the fuck out.”

The penny must have dropped for the rest of the boys. The booth going silent as they realised just who the handsome shadowy figure towering over them was. You felt them slowly inch away, head down and gazes low, not wanting to be caught in the crossfire. A few hushed mumbles of “holy shit! That’s Tommy Shelby! One of those blinders!” hurtling around the tables beside you, not completely drowned out by clatter of the jazz band.

“I have every right to be here.” The ballsy stranger said, stiffening up beside you. His spine curled as he tried to make himself bigger. “Who says I have to leave?”

You huffed at his words, exhaling like a balloon. “That’s enough.” You didn’t want to cause a scene. You were exhausted, the night taking such a sudden turn you felt like you had whiplash, and the alcohol sat deep in your gut like a rock. You just wanted to get home, away from the man you wanted so badly your fingers ached to hold him, and crawl into your bed with your cat and a mountain of chocolate.

“Well, considering I own the fucking place, I think that I do - and if you don’t, I’ll shoot you.”

That seemed to do it.

You kept your eyes focused on the mans paling face, the grim look washing over him like salty sea air, you didn't dare turn and face the man you could feel burning holes in your neck.

“I.. I...” The man spluttered almost incoherently, rising to his feet and stumbling out from beside you. From behind you you heard Emma giggling coyly into her glass. “Sorry.” He mumbled quickly, his knees buckling when Tommy clapped a hand around his shoulder, holding him in place like a dog.

Tommy’s voice was still, almost too controlled, and you knew that his words were deadly. “If I see you around these parts again, I’ll put a fucking bullet in your skull.”

He gulped and nodded, darting into the sea of bodies in the crowd.

You kept your eyes low. Fumbling with the pearl clasps of your purse you squeezed Emma’s hand in parting and rose to your feet, wanting to leave as painlessly as possible, not even daring to look up at the face staring you down.

“I should go.” Was all you said, sliding out of the booth and onto the marbled floor. You saw the way the rest of the girls were watching the scene unfold before them, and you knew that by Monday you would have a lot of questions to answer, but right now you needed nothing but the safety of your flat.

You didn’t even let your shoulders brush against him. You coiled around him like a snake, your feet moving so fast your embroidered shoes were nothing but a blur of scarlet. You only made it to the hallway, he let you go far enough that you were in private before he reached for you, a familiar, large hand curving around the dip in your shoulder. You hated the way your body reacted, goosebumps rising to his touch unconsciously.

“(Y/N), wait.”

Your name on his tongue was sweeter than honey and richer than wine, it sounded so right that it hurt. It had been so long since you had heard him call you by your name, so long since he had spoken to you that your gut was twisting inside of you, your whole body aching for him to do nothing but repeat that word like a mantra.

You inhaled, thinking of a way out. It was too dangerous, you were playing with fire and you couldn’t get burnt, not again.

“I’m sorry — I didn’t know, it’s Jessica’s birthday and we - ” You hated how you stumbled over your words. You had never felt so uncomfortable around him and it made your skin crawl. You had kissed him under the stars, laughed with him in the corner of a private party, made love to him in every room of his fucking mansion, and now he felt like a stranger.

You knew what he looked like when he woke up, with his sleepy eyes and tousled hair. You knew what he looked like when had spent the night doing something unholy, you had cleaned his knuckles and kissed his wounds as you sat pressed up against him in the tub, his hands wrapped around your waist. You’d stood by his side, your hands intertwined in the middle of some expansive ballroom, and listened to him sweet-talk his way into a new business deal, all the while stroking his thumb over yours. You had seen him vulnerable, pulling you so close to his chest that it was like you were bound together, whispering to you how he loved you, how he couldn’t live without you.

But he still let you go.

He moved in front of you, leaving you with no choice but to meet his eyes. He looked good, but that was a given, he always did, no matter the circumstances. He looked so... soft. He always seemed that way around you, his eyes getting a little bit kinder, the harshness of his words dipped in sugar, even the sharpness of his jaw looked inviting and gentle, practically begging you to wrap your palm around it.

You bit your tongue. You were being ridiculous. You were seeing things that weren’t there. It was over between the two of you, he had made that very clear. You were grasping at straws and all it was going to do was hurt you.

He spoke suddenly, his thick accent cutting through the silence that felt so loud. “It’s alright. Only really been ours since last night, there were... problems with the last owners.”

Despite everything you felt the ghost of a smile tugging on the edge of your lips, immediately knowing what ‘problems’ he was referring to.

“Arthur?” You asked.

“Yes.” He said with a small grin. “Arthur.”

A moment passed. The air around you feeling all too hot and all to cold at once. It had been a long time since you had seen one another, and both of you were caught up in appreciating such familiar beauty up close. You had missed the small things about him, like the slight curl of his hair and the veins in his neck, you could remember running your lips across the curve and dip of his throat.

You were treading in dangerous waters. It wouldn’t be long until the current pulled you under, and you weren’t quite sure how much longer you could keep a rational mind. You inhaled, flittering your eyes to meet his in some kind of signal of parting, pulling your clutch tighter to your body as an attempt to keep yourself grounded. “I should go. It was good to see you, Tommy.”

You spun on your heel, heading for the large golden doors that led outside. Fresh air would clear your mind, the stars and the velvet night would be good for clearing out all of the junk rattling around in your skull, but you barely got two steps forward before he spoke, already knowing his next words before he even opened his mouth.

“Let me drive you home.”

He spoke so surely, addressing you the way he would one of his brothers or Johnny, as if he knew what was best for you. Once upon a time you would have believed that he did, let him grasp you by the wrists and drag you to the end of the world if he asked nicely, those fucking baby blues and pink lips dulling any warning sirens in your head.

Even now, after everything, you knew that he would never put you in danger, that he would always protect you. And it was with the knowledge of that striking your heart like lightning, you knew that you were still hopelessly, undoubtedly in love with him - not that you ever thought differently, but you had done a damned good job of pushing your feelings away.

“You’ve had a lot to drink,” He said, “and I wouldn’t even let you out on those fucking streets by yourself stone cold sober.”

You pursed your lips. “I’m not drunk, and you don’t tell me what to do.”

“I’m driving you home.”

You looked up at him through your painted lashes, disarming him in a million different ways you didn’t even realise. You were oblivious to the fact that his breath felt trapped in his lungs.“You and I both know that’s not a good idea, Tommy.”

“Cmon. Get your things.”

You sidestepped away, pushing the bottom of your heel deeper into the champagne coloured carpet. “No Tommy, I’m not a child! I don’t need your help.”

He rolled his eyes, something akin to fond exasperation rising to his cheeks. You felt your heart drop and flutter like it was a sparrow inside of you, you had never thought you would see that face again, and it hurt how something so simple could twist and mould you in his hands like clay.

He pressed his hands to the small of your back, pushing you forward.

“I don’t care if you don’t want my help. I’m doing it anyway.”

You huffed. Too tired and drunk and confused to put up a real fight.“Fine.” He smiled coyly and his smug attitude made you click your teeth, running a hand through the curls in your hair, not stopping the childish retort on the edge of your tongue. “Prick.”

You felt his hand swat at you, dangerously close to the hem of your dress and you were certain that your cheeks were the same colour as the candles flickering on the tables below. It was such a playful, tender thing to do, and so horribly familiar - memories of his hands on you, pinching and teasing and digging in, a way of communicating without words, something so intimate and personal, something that only the two of you knew.

You wondered if he felt the same way. You wondered if he was reminded of the past, of peach moons and starlight kisses and strawberry lipstick, but as always he remained impassive, as poker faced as always as he strolled down the hall, pushing open the wide brass doors and waiting for you to pass through, him trailing behind you, like always.

———————————————————————

Through your hazy eyes the moon almost looked pink, like a spotlight shining down on you, illuminating the both of you as Tommy’s car purred down the streets, like a black cat stalking under the cover of darkness.

It smelt like him.

Like cigarettes and sin and mint and woodsmoke. You were reminded of driving at midnight with the windows down, his hand wrapped around your thigh, his eyes anywhere but the road. You thought of sticky skin and leather seats and the smell of sex, breathless little laughs and the feel of his teeth biting down on your top lip.

You stared at the polish on your fingernails, hoping for some kind of distraction from the man beside you. It wasn’t far to your flat, and you prayed that the drive home would be as hitch free as possible.

“Had a good night?” Tommy asked, looking over at you from behind the wheel. He’s not even sure what he’s saying, his usually mechanical brain almost short circuiting because you’re finally next to him again. Words and phrases seem tasteless and meaningless, but he wants to savour as much of you as he can. He knows it makes him hypocritical, especially given everything he’s put you through, but he’s never really been very conventional with his love.

“It was alright.”

“Friends from work?”

“Yeah. It was Jessica’s birthday, she wanted to get drunk, you know how it can be.”

“And that...that man - ?” He cleared his throat, hoping that his words came off breezier than they sounded in his head, pretending as if the thought of you with somebody else didn’t feel like a noose around his neck. “Who was he?”

“Just some stupid twat.”

Your words weren’t doing much to quell the fiery flicker of anger inside of him, half of his brain telling him to turn the car around and put a razor blade through the fuckers eye - but one glance over at your sleepy, beautiful face and all of his jealousy fades into mere smoke.

None of it matters.

Nothing will ever matter more than you.

“I shouldn’t have even been out tonight, but Emma practically dragged me.”

Emma. The name rings a bell. He flips through a mental picture book of everyone you’ve spoken about, and finally lands on the glamorous, dark skinned, velvet haired vixen that you called your best friend.

Memories come flooding back.

The nights you would spend with her when he was too busy with work. How in the darkness of his office with nothing but an empty feeling in his chest and glass of bourbon beside him, the phone would ring and cut through the silence.

He’d roll his eyes when Emma spoke quickly down the line, words slurred and filled with giggles as she would explain the drunken shenanigans you had both fallen into. He’d drive through the night and the dim city streets, his mind for once not filled with business deals or money, instead his heart tugging at the thought of his doe eyed, honey lipped girl waiting for him in the city.

“I think she had too much to drink.” Emma would say, clambering into a taxi cab she had managed to hail, teetering in her tall satin shoes. “I wanted to take her home with me, but she was causing such a big fuss and asking for you - couldn’t bloody say no.”

Outside the club his voice would be stern and his stare would be solid. Clipped, quick words to the doormen, feeling you press your cold nose into the base of his throat, mumbling something incoherent about how pretty he was. He’d scold you fondly. Settle you down in the back seats of his car and cover you up with his jacket, smiling ever so softly at the way you cuddled into the warmth and the familiar smell.

He thought of how lonely his nights had been without you.

“How is she?”

“Fine. Everyone is just fine.”

But how are you? He wants to ask, but he has a feeling that no matter the answer he’ll still end with a bullet in his gut, so he lets the silence engulf the both of you, nothing in the air but unspoken tension and the soft purr of the engine.

He had an idea. Something conniving and crafty, something that he’s been wanting to do since the night he told you that it wasn’t safe to be with him, the night he told you to leave. Thomas Shelby has always been a strong, level headed man, but something about you just makes him crumble. You have a way of twisting around him, snaking around his thoughts and feelings like a vine, and he gives himself up wholly.

He would never put you in a position you were uncomfortable with, but he can’t help the claw in his gut when he thinks of how long it’s been since you’ve been apart. He can smell the sweet liquor and perfume on you, can see the way your eyes are glossed ever and your hair is mussed. You’re tired, and after the way that goddamn leech of a man had been fawning over you Tommy is in no mood to leave you alone, he likes knowing that you’re safe, it’s the only thing that makes him able to sleep at night.

He glanced over to you, watching as you yawned into your palm, your soft, pretty eyes looking at the stars and the moon and his decision was made for him.

“You missed the turn.” You said a few moments later, perking up a little in your seat.

“Hmm?”

“You missed it. You should have turned left back there.”

He doesn’t say anything, and you’re pretty sure you know the reason why. Despite the part of your body that is sparked like a match at the thought of spending the night with him, you also know that it is too dangerous, that the two of you together are fire and gasoline.

“No. No, Tommy. I’m not staying over with you.”

“Yes you are. You can stay in a guest room - it’ll give you time to sleep off that hangover.”

“I’m hardly drunk.”

“Well, when we get home you can walk in a straight line for me, eh?”

“It’s not my home.”

That hurt.

He ignored you, feeling the familiar bite of irritation, hating that he wasn’t the same man to you that he once was. He could feel his tone getting desperate, and under any other circumstance he would be furious at being so weak, but never around you. “Just stay. Tonight? For me. I’ll sleep better knowing you’re not getting into any trouble.”

“Tommy Shelby never sleeps.”

You huffed and crossed your arms over your chest, sighing in defeat. Tommy smiled, and realised as the car lurched over the bridge that’ll take you back where you both belong that he’s the happiest he has been in a long time.

—————————————————————

His house was as intimidating as ever, even more so under the thick blanket of the night. The architecture looked gothic, the sprawling roof and high chimneys almost seeming menacing as the car pulled up along the gravel, the low sound of the rocks crackling like a fire.

It almost felt strange. A house you had stepped foot in hundreds of times, suddenly feeling unfamiliar and mystifying. It was like the very first time you had seen the house a few years ago, how the large rooms and the tall ceilings seemed empty and dangerous, as though they housed a million secrets.

But since then it had been full of so much light. You had danced with him playfully, barefoot on the kitchen floor, with the windows open and soft jazz flittering in the air like sunlight. You had slept on the sofa in the drawing room, tangled up against his bare chest, the room littered with wine stained glasses and cigarette burns. You had laughed until you had cried, kissed him on the vivaciously on the mouth, sat through dozens of rowdy family dinners, shared coffee and pastry under the sleepy morning light - and now it felt as though a million years had passed.

You let him lead you inside. Keeping a safe distance and a wary eye as though he was an unpredictable stray dog that needed to be kept at arms length. He sensed your suspicion and ignored it, marching forward like a solider, pretending that your distrust didn’t make him feel awful. He hated to think of you on edge because of him, he hated how small it made him feel. He never wanted to be insignificant to you.

You noticed how bare it was in the hallway. Once upon a time the coat rack would have been filled with your furs and shawls, your pastel pink boots and his forever charcoal posh oxfords lined next to one another, a poignant reminder of their owners and the differences that you both shared.

It wasn’t just lack of your belongings, somehow the house seemed much emptier. It didn’t smell as worn as it usually did, the warmth of a recently lit fire didn’t dwell in the air and there were no keys or shoes by the front door. You knew that Mary kept a clean house, but this was something different, and a sour thought suddenly hit you.

“You haven’t been home much?” You tried to keep the jealousy out of your voice and remain level headed, but it was proving hard when you were feeling so nauseous at the thought of him sharing a bed with somebody else.

“Lot of late nights at the office.” He shrugged his jacket from his shoulders and wrapped it around a hanger, his icy blue eyes catching yours. “Home didn’t feel like home anymore.”

You didn’t miss the implication in his words, but you chose to ignore it.

“Can I get you something to drink?”

“I thought I was here to sleep.”

“You are. But what kind of host would I be if I didn’t offer my guest a nightcap?”

You made a noise. Something halfway between a scoff and a huff.

“Tea? Whiskey?”

“No, I’m fine thank you.”

“What about hot chocolate? I still have some of that god awful strawberry stuff you love so much.”

Memories of sickly sweet strawberry kisses flash in your head. Images of Tommy wincing and groaning as if you had poisoned him. Belly laughs and pillow talk. All things you had tried so hard to forget.

“No. I don’t drink that anymore.”

He looked at you. There were no diamond chandeliers or dark corners or red velvet walls distorting your appearance, just the two of you stood opposite in the hallway of his mansion. He looked you up and down, not in a sleazy way, like the man at the bar who had so desperately wanted to get his hands under your dress but almost - longingly. There was something in his eyes. Swimming right in those ocean eyes was something you couldn’t quite make out, he opened his mouth to say something but before he could speak you heard the whine of the door above you.

“Mr Shelby! You’re back.” It was Mary, stood at the top of the stairs. Still dressed in her maids uniform despite the ungodly hour, she looked as pristine as ever, and you couldn’t think of a time you had seen the elderly woman without makeup on. She flew down the stairs, eager to offer Thomas anything she could, but she stopped dead in her tracks when she finally saw you.

“Miss (Y/L/N)!” She said, trying to control the shock in her voice. She hadn’t been there the day that you left, but it wouldn’t take a fool to guess what had happened between you and her boss. Just like you, she probably assumed you would never return to the Shelby house. After a moment she smiled kindly, regaining her composure after the initial shock. “It’s a pleasure to see you once again.”

“And you, Mary.”

“Oh! Mr Shelby I’ve made up your quarters and -” she stopped, realising what she was saying and she awkwardly shifted as she tried to change the subject. “Can I get you anything? Shall I bring you some tea? Or some wine?”

“Oh no. I’m fine thank you, really.”

“You know what Mary,” You heard Tommy say, a cigarette dangling from his lips. “Can you fix us some drinks? Whatever’s in the cupboards is fine. Oh, and bring us those chocolates Ada brought from New York. We’ll be in the sitting room.”

“Tommy - ” You started, but he was already gone, walking through his house with renewed energy, and you strained your ears to hear the sentences he called out over his shoulder.

“One drink. For old times sake.”

“Ugh. You’ll be the death of me, Shelby.”

———————————————————————

It should have been awkward. It should have been awkward and uncomfortable and painful - but it wasn’t.

He lit a fire, something about the yellow flames and the crackling wood soothing you like warm milk. You missed the feel of his sofas, the ones that cost such an outrageous price that it made your eyes water, and you sunk into the cushions far more easily than you liked. Mary had made your favourite drink, and the situation felt so familiar that it was ridiculous, but it was more ridiculous how good everything felt.

He was as charming as ever. Giving you those side eye glances and cheeky smiles as he spoke, asking about your family and telling you stories of the trouble his brothers had been in. He moved around the room in a blur of navy, because as God would have it tonight of all nights he was wearing your favourite blue suit, the one that made him look so beautiful and powerful.

He didn’t ask about work, and you were glad, because you weren’t ready to tell him yet.

Perhaps an hour passed, the two of you dancing around each other, neither one wanting to be the one that crossed the line first. Your mind was blurry but you knew that this had gone on too long, you needed to pull the plug before it was too late, but as always, Tommy got there first.

“It feels like fate.” He said, his voice so much warmer than it had been a few moments before.

“What does?”

“Running into you tonight.”

You scoffed. “Please. Tommy Shelby doesn’t believe in fate.”

“I didn’t. Not until I met you.”

Your whole body felt like it had been set alight. He knew just what to say to get you to curl around his little finger. He was watching you intently, moving forward so his elbows were on his knees, as though he was desperate to hear your reply. He was being honest, more so than he had been in a long time, but your mind was too filled with the past to give into his sweet words.

“So,” You said, knocking back the last dregs of your drink. “Are you just going to pretend it never happened?”

“What?”

“Cut the crap, Tommy.” You snarked. “You know what I mean.” A breathless laugh. “God, this is ridiculous. I shouldn’t have come here.”

“Don’t say that.”

You rubbed your forehead, massaging away a migraine you could feel brewing. “I need to go to bed. I don’t want to get into all of this again.”

“(Y/N) - ”

“Goodnight, Tommy.”

You stood up and heard the sound of his glass of whisky hitting his red oak table. Your fingers touched the edge of the door handle, but he was pulling you backwards before you could leave. You were facing him, trying to keep your eyes away from his, not wanting to go falling into him the way your body desired.

“You might not want to talk but you can listen.” He said, so close to you that your noses were almost touching. You pursed your lips and squirmed like a child, but he raised an eyebrow and you huffed, letting him speak, his words shattering you like you were a sheet of ice.“Im still in love you.”

You bit your lip to stop from crying. The scab had been picked off, blood clotting down your ankles and onto the floor.

“Think I will be till the day I die. Even after.”

His words were so sincere and you wanted to believe them. You could feel him watching you, cornering you, willing you to say the words back, needing to hear the words fall from your lips.

You held up one finger, trying to stop him from speaking. “Don’t.”

“It’s true.”

You could feel the hot prickle of tears forming in your eyes, and the way your throat constricted like you’d been swallowing cotton balls.“Was this the plan all along? Invite me back, get me drunk and think I’ll crawl back into bed with you after you tell me a few lines?”

“Don’t be ridiculous. I would never do that to you.”

He was angry. More so with himself, he’s always been in control, so articulate and calculated, but he was losing his grip on you, his knuckles turning white. He knew he made a mistake that night when he told you to leave, but his pride was too strong to do anything about it. Seeing you tonight had been more than just a coincidence, he knew that, and everything in him was screaming at him to fight for you.

“I miss you.” It ached for him to say it out loud, such a powerful man admitting that you were his weakness, that you bring him to his knees like he’s a child.

“I miss you too, Tommy, you know I do. But - ”

“I fucked up.”

“Tom.”

“I never should have let you leave.”

“We - Us - It’ll never - ” You couldn’t think let alone speak, all of your words twisting and tumbling from your mouth like loose marbles.

“We were a lot of things, but you can’t tell me that we aren’t supposed to be together.”

“I don’t want to talk about this... I can’t!”

“So let’s not talk.”

His lips met yours and you were on fire. The breath you didn’t know you were holding was knocked out of you by the force of his body on yours. His hands were all over you, checking you were real, feeling the curve and dip of your body the way his mind had conjured up in the dark in the months that you had been gone, he savoured you entirely, he devoured you.

“This isn’t - This isn’t right.” It was lie. Nothing felt more right. Your whole body ached and quivered for him, you wanted to breathe in his smell and run your fingers through his hair until they bled, but you also didn’t want to go down without a fight.

He knew you too well though.

“Stop it.” He had you backed up against the wall, his body pressed in between your thighs. He’d caged you in, one hand curling softly under your jaw, manipulating you so that you had no choice but to look right into his damn sea foam eyes. “Stop being so stubborn.”

“Stop being such a prick then.”

Lips on your neck. His hands all over you. Inhaling your perfume and the smell of your hair, digging his fingertips into your hip, a jolt of pain that you knew would leave a bruise. He captured your lips again, relishing in the way you felt under him, he was desperate for more, and he smiled cheekily when he heard you moan.

“I thought you wanted to go to sleep.” He teased, his voice was playful but he was struggling to keep his composure, he felt like his head was being held underwater, the pleasure teetering on pain.

“I hate you.” You said, gasping for air, feeling adrenaline and liquor and lust flow through you.

“No you don’t.”

You bit down on his plump bottom lip, hard enough to draw blood. He winced slightly, and rolled his eyes, shoving you backwards into his bookcase, kissing you even harder. A few novels and a porcelain figurine fell to the floor, the small black horse shattering at your feet. He grumbled slightly, and you giggled into his neck. You bent down to try and collect the broken pieces but he swatted your hand away, kissing and sucking all across your neck and throat, wanting to mark his territory.

“Stop that. I don’t want you cutting yourself.” He muttered into your flesh, clasping your hands together and holding you by the wrists, refusing to let you do anything but melt into him - not that there was anything in the world you would rather be doing.

Slowly the kisses got softer, more tender, all across your collar and shoulders like raindrops. There was something methodical about it, almost poetic, like he was trying to savour the taste of your skin, and the way your body rippled under him. After a moment he stopped, his hands tangling into your hair, gripping you by your jaw, looking into your glossed out, wide eyes.

“I really fucking missed you. I’m sorry.”

You shuddered. “I know.”

“Tomorrow we’ll talk. Alright?” There are a million things he needed to say. A million things he needed you to know, but there was nothing more important to him at that moment than having you under him, letting his body show you all of the things he couldn't put into words. He needed you, all of you. His head was fucked and he needed the wash of calm you gave him, he needed to feel whole, the way that only you could make him.

“Tomorrow.” You whispered.

He nodded solemnly. Ducking his head and pressing your mouths together, hot and raw and heavy. You were sweeter than sugar, stronger than whisky and prettier than all of the stars in the sky, and he struggled to keep himself from buckling at the knees under your touch. The only thing that could stop him from moulding your bodies together were the sweet little words that left your lips, the ones that rang like a gospel in his ears.

“Take me to bed, Tommy.”

————————————————————

He broke it off three months prior.

You had been missing each other, your schedules hectic and mismatched, and it had been a good few weeks since you had spoken for more than a few stolen seconds over the telephone. Finally, like the sun parting through rain clouds, there was one weekend that was empty in both of your diaries and Tommy told you to expect a car outside of your flat one Friday afternoon.

A whole weekend. Two days and three nights spent with your beloved, it should have been a time filled with late nights and rumpled bedsheets, coffee in the morning and wearing nothing but his linen shirts and the pretty lilac underwear he loved so much - but it turned soon turned sour.

On Sunday you had been making rhubarb pie. Folding and rolling the pastry between your fingertips, listening to the birds whistling through the open window and the lull of soft jazz from the radio behind you.

He had taken a call. A sullen look falling over his face as soon as he answered the phone. He had shut himself in his study, and all you could hear was the deep rumble of his voice and the sound of his footsteps, and so you left him alone, and busied yourself with other things.

It had all been so wonderful. Riding his horses through the fields, reading books under his arm as he rifled through papers, stealing kisses that tasted like hard candies and peppermint. You'd forced him to relax, made him take a bubble bath with you, poured lavender and vanilla oil across his aching shoulders until he let out an involuntary moan, ran your fingers through his hair until his breath evened out and his eyes fluttered shut, finally feeling at peace next to the woman he loved.

You’d laughed and made love and kissed and danced and it had all be so perfect.

Until it wasn’t.

For 48 hours he had been yours. He wasn’t “Thomas Shelby, leader of the Peaky Blinders,” he had been your Tommy. You weren’t a fool, you knew that work was always the most important thing to him, that he lived and breathed for the company he had built from his two bare hands, his work ethic and brilliance was something you admired about him, but it didn’t mean that it didn’t sting when he slipped back into business mode.

It had been about an hour, and you were cleaning the counters, something soothing about finding the dark marble granite under the mess of flour. You knew that Mary would have a fit if she knew you were cleaning, but you enjoyed the normalcy it gave you. You heard him before you saw him, the sound of his matte leather brogues on the tile in the hallway, and you lifted your head when you felt his presence in the doorway.

“You need to leave.”

His tone was so sudden and blunt that it almost made you laugh, but one look at the sallowness of his skin and the intensity in his eyes made you straighten up. “Excuse me?”

“It’s Sabini.”

“What about him?”

“He knows - he fucking knows.”

He was being uncharacteristically agitated, and it sent a deep chill down your spine. You lurched forward, hands spread, wanting to carry some of his worry. “Knows what? Tommy, calm down.”

“He’s had men lurking outside your flat.”

“What?”

“One of the new boys spotted ‘em. Fucking filth have been there all weekend.”

You felt your heart sink to your stomach. Truthfully, whilst the thought of Sabini and his men watching you made your skin crawl, you were more worried by the way it seemed to have frazzled Tommy. You weren’t used to seeing him so... anxious, and that sent red hot warning signs to your brain.

Your relationship had never been a secret per se, but you never made it public. After a few months of rendezvous in hotels and bars up and down the country, and Tommy realising his feelings for you were much more than just lust - he laid everything out bare. He told you he wanted you. But he also told you what the consequences of hanging off his arm were. You knew the risks, knew what chaos his love could bring, but you were falling so deeply that none of it mattered to you. You weren’t stupid, and Tommy did everything in his power to keep you safe, and the two of you found a mellow middle ground, a place where you could be happy and young and in love, without all of the mayhem.

“Well - it’s alright. I’m here. I’m safe aren’t I? He was probably just scoping the place out, he probably thought you were there and - ”

You were rambling, and most of what you were saying was untrue. You both knew the reason that Sabini was there, it was a message, a warning. A threat to Tommy that he could take away his weakness with one snap of his slimy little fingers.

You shrugged off your apron, and stepped towards him, shaking your head. “We knew that one day this would happen. That people would find out, it’s not your fault Tom.”

“We were stupid. We were reckless.”

“And what? We were supposed to just stop living our lives in case somebody saw us?”

“Not just somebody. Somebody who could fucking kill you.”

“Tommy.”

“You need to leave.”

“Listen to me -”

“I’ll get Bernard to drive you to the station. Your friend...” He paused momentarily, trying to remember a name he had heard in passing. “Sarah? She still lives in Manchester doesn’t she? You’ll stay with her till I’ve sorted this out.”

You scoffed, your eyes the size of dinner plates.“I’m not leaving.” You tried to make him see sense, but you were having a hard time keeping your voice levelled. “I’ve got work, Tom. I can’t just up and leave.”

He ignored you. You could see his brain whirring a mile a minute, the wheels inside his mind frantically looking for a solution. You marched over to him, forcing him to look at you. “I’m not scared.”

“Well then you’re a fool.”

“Am I? For not running at the first sign of danger?”

“Don’t fucking start with me. Not about this. This isn’t some fucking game.”

“I never said it was, Tom. But what? I’m supposed to hide out in another fucking city until all of this settles down.”

“Stop being so fucking difficult.”

“I’m not being difficult. I know what I signed up for, we both did. We knew this would happen eventually.”

“And now that is has - we have to be smart.”

“Not everything in life is a business deal.”

“What would you know about that?”

It was a low blow. Something that struck you like a winning punch to the gut, you stepped back from the impact, shaking your head and pursing your lips. You’ll let him brew in his anger, let him get worked up and pissed off, and you’ll wait for his apology in a few days, something expensive and designer showing up at your front door, his way of saying “I’m sorry I was such an asshole.”

“You know what? I’m leaving. Call me in a few days when you get your head fucking screwed back on. We can talk then.”

“No.”

It came out strangled, like the word sliced the inside of his throat when he said it.

“What?”

“You need to stay away. We need to end this.”

“End this?” You scoffed. “What? Like we’re just a business deal?”

“It’s not safe, and I can’t do anything that’s going to jeopardise the company.”

“The fucking company?” You were furious, your body stinging with hurt, feeling betrayal wash over you like sour milk. “How - How dare you!”

“I think it’s best if we spend some time apart.”

“So this is it then? You’ll throw away everything just because some fucking man has been looking around corners?” His silence made you more enraged, and you willed him to fight back. Fight for you. “Do you want me to leave? Do you want me to go, Tom?”

Silence.

And then - “It’s not safe.”

“Fuck you.”

That was the last thing you had said to him. Three words replaced with two that shattered around the room like an earthquake. You had tears in your eyes, and you rushed upstairs to pack your things, your heart breaking into sharp little pieces inside of you. He could hear the start of your sobs, the ones you tried so hard to muffle with your hand and he truly fucking hated himself. He gripped the marble above the fireplace and steadied his breathing, pushing out any thoughts of the weekend. He willed himself to shove away the happy memories, the sound of your laugh and the smell of your skin, the way he didn’t hear the shovels when you were beside him, safe and warm in his arms.

He needed to do what he did best, regain control and protect those he cared about, and right at the fucking top of the list was you. Any niggles of rationality and guilt telling him that pushing you away was wrong quickly turned to ash in his mind, he was certain that this was the right thing to do, despite the way that it really fucking hurt. He had to keep you safe. Men like him didn’t get to have nice things like you.

So he shut the door to his office, muffling the sound of you rummaging around upstairs, a part of you wishing and hoping that he would open the door and kiss you and apologise, and instead he picked up the phone, and went back to work.

———————————————————————

You woke up to sunlight painting your skin, and an empty bed, the silk sheets in disarray and bundled beside your bare body.

Oh fuck.

Oh fuck.

Like an ice cold bucket of water dropping over your head, you remembered every detail of what had happened overnight. Your skin relived the feeling of hands and fingertips and oh god, tongue dragging all across you, branded into your memory like a burn. It was the best nights sleep you had gotten in a long time, and the bed was so warm and soft and smelling like sin that you struggled to even lift your head from the pillow to check the time.

Mid morning.

You hadn’t slept in this long for a while, and you knew the reason why. Head slightly pounding from too much alcohol and adrenaline, you crawled out of bed, washing the remnants of last nights makeup from your face and pulling on your crumpled dress and stockings that had been haphazardly flung over the furniture. Your heart lurched a little when you freshened up in the bathroom and noticed your toothbrush still in the holder on the sink, right next to his.

You could hear cluttering downstairs and followed the noise, standing in the doorway of the kitchen, unable to stop the small smile that the sight gave you. He had evidently sent Mary on an errand, something far away so he could make you both breakfast in peace, away from prying eyes. He looked so boyish, so domestic, his shirt sleeves rolled up to his elbows, nimble fingers turning the bacon on the pan, his hair mussed from sex and sleep. It made you feel like you had swallowed a match. Your whole body alight from seeing him so gentle and vulnerable, so bare for just you to see.

Thomas Shelby whisking eggs and squeezing oranges, barefoot in his own kitchen, the sight rarer than a unicorn, and you were the only person who ever got close enough.

“Hi.” It left your mouth awkwardly and rolled off your tongue like an ice cube.

“Morning.” He turned and smiled, his lazy eyes trawling the length of your body. You hadn’t noticed it, but he felt a flicker of hurt that you were in your own clothes, a part of him wanting and hoping that you would be in one of his shirts, something that he loved much more than he could comprehend. He shook his head, willing the thoughts away. “It’ll be done soon. I think I’ve burnt the toast though, and probably added too much salt to the eggs.”

You smiled thinly, the light not reaching your eyes. This was all too much, all too soon. He was here and he was beautiful and you were right at the frontline, ready to get your heart broken all over again.“Last night,” You cleared your throat, as though the words were lodged deep inside. “It was a mistake.”

He didn’t blink, cool stare focused on the meal he was preparing, long fingers methodically slicing and dicing, as though your words didn’t make his heart thump against his rib cage. He didn’t like it, not one bit, the way that it sounded as though you regretted the time you had spent together. He never wanted you to feel like that, like the intimacy you had shared was something crude, as though you were a one night stand of a drunken fuck at a bar, this was so much more than that. This was love.

But Tommy liked holding his cards to his chest, and it was much easier to tease you then tell the truth.

“It didn’t feel like a mistake. You seemed to be enjoying yourself.”

You scoffed, hating his cockiness yet knowing that he was obviously right. “Don’t be a twat, Tommy.”

The ghost of a smile on his face, if you had blinked you might have missed it, but you were always the best person at reading him - the only person he had let close enough to see him, flaws and all. He always liked when you bickered with him, his little firecracker. He didn’t tolerate just anyone speaking to him the way you did, but he would let you get away with bloody murder and he couldn’t deny that it didn’t bring a flush to his cheeks when you got particularly feisty.

You opened your mouth to speak but he cut you off, his hands full with cutlery and plates filled with slap up breakfast foods, and you couldn’t deny that your mouth was watering.

“Eat first. We’ll talk later.”

You let out a sound halfway between a huff and a groan but caved in, clambering into the seat he had pulled open for you and piling your fork high. He watched you with a smile, the way you looked so young and pretty and angelic in the morning light, no makeup on and eyes still drowsy with sleep, like some kind of Renaissance painting he wanted to hang above his fireplace and stare at whenever things got rough.

He filled the silence with small talk, noting the weather and a story about one of John’s kids hiding a puppy in her room for almost a week without anyone noticing. You listened as best as you could, but you were distracted by the palomino mare you could see grazing in the fields behind his house, and something was prickling at your skin like brambles.

You cleared your throat, acting as nonchalant as you could muster. “Emma tells me that May Carlton is training your new mare.” Your knife sliced through your yolk, rich butter yellow bleeding across your plate. You tried to keep your voice steady, but you could feel the thickness in your throat as you remembered how it hurt like a bullet wound when your best friend had told you of his new associate. “I hear she is quite beautiful.”

“Yes, I suppose she is.” He murmured, cutting the edge of fat from his bacon. “But she’s nothing compared to you.”

You tried to pretend that his words didn’t make you swoon, and he tried to hide how much he loved it when you got jealous, something about the fire in your eyes making him want to push you up against a wall and kiss you till you couldn’t talk.

He paused, a coy smile on his lips. “Have you been keeping tabs on me?”

You scoffed. “Well, it’s only fair. What with all those Blinders following me. Can’t even go to the bloody shops without one watching me.”

So you had noticed. He had half been expecting a blazing call where you yelled at him for having men watch over you, and it had left a hole of disappointment in his gut when it never came.

“You know I would never let you be unprotected.”

“I know.”

Your eyes met, a wave of warm affection washed over the both of you, but you pulled your gaze back quickly, focusing your attention anywhere else.

“You should come and watch her.”

You froze, wondering if Tommy had just invited you to spend the day with May Carlton, you were sure that would be one evening that would end in blood and tears.

“The mare.” He said, picking up at your uncomfortableness and biting back a smile. “We’ve called her ‘Wicked Gypsy’, and she is brilliant. I reckon she could win the whole bloody thing.”

You liked how passionate he got when he talked about horses. Liked the way that he seemed to light up like a child, despite all the finery and bravado, you liked knowing that the little boy inside of him was still there, hidden deep, deep down, but still there. You were too busy being captivated by him that it took you a moment to realise that he had asked you to join him at the races.

You wanted nothing more, you truly wanted nothing more than to be his girl again. Cradled under his arm, dressed in lace and fur, his lips pressed to the heat of your throat, sweet little words whispered in your ear, a hand tight and possessive around your waist - but it just wasn’t that easy.

You sighed, crossing your cutlery. “Tom. I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“I want you there. I need my good luck charm.”

“Tommy, after everything. I don’t think we should.”

Firmer now, he looks at you, emphasising his point.“I need you there. When she wins, I need my best girl to be right by my side.”

He was so slippery. So sickly sweet that you could drown in him, struggle to move in the molasses that dripped from his tongue. He was dangerous, carnal fire and sin, but he wasn’t lying, he needed you, really fucking needed you.

You exhaled, thinking things through, and massaging the migraine brewing in your temples. He could see you trying to think of an excuse, another lie about how you’re bad for each other, but he got there first, not wanting to hear it.

“I’ll have a car pick you up on Friday.” He turned his hands so his palms were facing the ceiling, eyebrows raised playfully, “Or... maybe you can stay here the night. You know you’re welcome.”

Always so bloody charming. But you can’t stop the tsunami of thoughts, the mistakes of the past. “What is this, Tommy? What are we doing?”

“I fucked up. I never should have let you go.”

“But you did. And - I don’t want to get hurt all over again.”

“I won’t hurt you.”

“You always do.”

You words stung him worse than if you had slapped him across the face, and he had to take a moment to swallow the sour taste that had been swimming across his tongue. He reached his hands out, clasping them with yours, so large and warm and safe, and he spoke with intensity.

“Just - Come with me, Friday. Please. I can’t do this without you.”

Friday. Suddenly it was no longer about slipping up or falling back in love and wondering what your friends might think when you told them, it was about something else that you needed to tell him.

“I can’t.”

“You can’t? Why not?”

“I’m leaving.”

“Leaving? Leaving where?” His tone was one of disbelief, his eyes sizing you up, wondering if this was some kind of elaborate excuse.

You sighed, taking your hands away from under his, noticing the lack of warmth immediately. “To Oxford. Peggy transferred me to the company over there.”

“Why would she do that?”

“Because I asked her to.”

“You did what?”

You could see him thinking, wondering how none of his boys had found out this priceless piece of information that makes him want to throw his expensive fucking china at the wall.

“I did it all through work. Emma’s the only one who knew. I’m getting the train Wednesday night.”

He stood up so quickly his chair squealed across the wood floor, his mouth agape. “So what? You’re just going to leave?”

“There’s nothing here for me.”

He pointed one finger at you, scolding you like a child. “Don’t say that.”

You narrowed your eyes, shaking your head. “It’s true isn’t it? Why should I waste more time on this stupid cat and mouse game?���

“Is that all this is to you? A game?”

“You left me. For three months I was completely alone! What happens when something comes up, huh? How do I know that you won’t leave me all over again?” It was hard to keep the emotion from your voice, hard not to show just how badly the impact of those three months had been. “We need this! Some...some fucking space. Maybe being a few cities away will be good.”

It was a lie. Nothing sounded worse, but you had to say your piece because god knows you can’t keep holding everything in.

His voice was frayed, split like the hairs in an old rope. “Don’t. Don’t give me space. That’s the last thing I want from you.”

His words and his actions never lined up, and it made your blood boil. All of the anger you had turned into tears had remoulded into red hot rage, and you slammed your hands down on his expensive counter tops, flesh on marble ringing around the kitchen. “So then why did you let me go? Why did you tell me to leave?”

“Because I thought that was best for you!”

“You aren’t the one who gets to decide that!”

“Everything I do. Everything I fucking do - is to protect you.”

“Don’t say that. Protecting me isn’t making me leave, and then not speaking to me for three fucking months.”

You could see the click in his jaw, the vein in his throat throbbing. “You knew what you signed up for when you met me.”

“No, actually, I don’t think I did.”

It was true. You expected late nights, days of no contact, blood staining your bathroom counter and men watching your every move. You expected fights and make ups, going to the races in your finery and then walking down the shit filled streets of Small Heath, but you never expected that he would just leave you the way he did.

He was breathless, trying to control the rise and fall of his chest and the way that his fingers clenched. He never thought that you would leave, he had some fucked up feeling that you would always come back to him, that the two of you would always end up on the same ship, drifting along the same ocean. It was maddening. He had tasted you once again, had you under him, his girl reduced to putty in his hands. It had all made sense, the night seemed to be sweeter and the stars a little brighter and his lungs a little looser when you were next to him. It had all felt so right, and now you were going to leave.

He put it down to exasperation at not being in control anymore, the fact that he was watching you slip between his fingers once again like grains of sand, and so he said the worst thing he thought of, something that he knew would rip through you like a shot to the heart.

“Well at least I got one last fuck eh? That was all you were really any good for anyway.”

He could hear it immediately, the sound of the bullet leaving the gun, or perhaps that’s your heart shattering in two. He regretted it, he regretted it so badly that he wished he could pull the words back down his throat and swallow them like they were poison.

Your eyes watered but you didn’t let him see you cry. Your mouth opened and then closed not wanting to waste your breath on a reply, not wanting to hurt him the way he’d hurt you. You didn’t bother with a reply, not trusting yourself enough to talk, only wanting to be alone to like your wounds in peace. So you turned and left, last nights heels echoing through the hallway, the sound of the front door creaking open and slamming shut, silence falling once again.

Tommy pushed the plates off the table.

—————————————————————————-

Wednesday night and you were listening to your favourite record, something to distract you from the suitcase you were packing. Since the fight you hadn’t heard from Tommy, the first thing you’d packed had been your phone, pulling it off the wall as soon as you got home, not wanting to be on edge waiting for his call.

You didn’t allow yourself the time to wallow, refused to let yourself be beaten up by the words he had said, the ones that hung around your head like dead files. You hated that you let him speak to you that way, and you also hated that you missed him with every bone in your body.

Lilac, sapphire and emerald green. You threw your clothes together, watching the colours fade into a blur. You hadn’t packed anything he had given you, but you didn’t want to throw them out either and so they sat in a lonely purgatory in your wardrobe; a little gift to the next tenant.

You knew who was there the second the doorbell rang. Well, rang three times. The sound so shrill and violent that you tipped your head back in frustration. You considered leaving him outside in the summer rain, but soon the rings were switched with incessant knocking, your door surely about to break from the weight of his fists.

“Fucking hell.” You seethed, dropping your shoes onto the floor and stepping over the piles of toiletries stacked in the hallway. “Fuck you, Tom.”

You wanted to say those three words to him as soon as you opened the door, hoping your eyes reflected the anger bubbling inside of you, but he cut you off with a sigh of relief.

“Thank fuck you’re still here.”

“Not for long.”

You tried to shut the door, you really did, but he pushed past and into your flat with little effort.

“Get out, Tom. Now.”

He spun round to face you, and you finally got a good look at him. He looked rough, frazzled almost. His hair messy and his shirt ruffled and his eyes were mostly white, frantically watching your face.

“I fucked up. I fucked everything up.”

“You came all this way just to tell me that?”

“I should have followed you sooner. I should have followed you the second you walked through that door.”

You quirked an eyebrow in challenge. “Which time?”

He spread his hands out, biting down on his tongue. “Don’t go. Don’t leave.”

You sighed, kicking a stray shampoo bottle with your feet, something to fill the emptiness that surrounded you. “I’ve made up my mind.”

He moved one step closer and you moved one step back. “Is this what you really want?”

“We can’t always get what we want.”

“That’s bullshit.”

You threw your hands up in despair. “I’m not doing this with you now, Tommy. My train leaves in an hour and I have my first day tomorrow and I don’t want to fuck it all up.”

“If it’s what you really want, then you should go. But don’t leave if it’s all because of me.”

You scoffed. “Oh, don’t flatter yourself.”

“And I’m not going to let you go without telling you that I love you. I really fucking love you.”

“Tommy.” It’s a warning. It’s a threat. But it hangs between you both, lingering in the air like smoke.

“I know you love me too. I know you do. I also know that I’m a massive twat who fucked everything up, but I’m not letting you get away, not again.”

You're exasperated. His words like honey, but you’re scared that that’s all they are, and you’re more scared that they might be so much more. “Why should I believe anything you say?”

“Because I’m telling the truth. I don’t care about anything. Nothing matters to me more than you. I don’t care if Sabini has men outside my house every fucking night, you’re only safe with me, and I can only do this with you by my side.”

“Talk is cheap.”

“If I have to spend every day proving how much you mean to me then I will. I can’t - I can’t be without you.”

He was so close to you. Your noses almost touching, the hair on your arms and your spine sticking up, something electric about him. You want to hate him but you can’t. Not when he’s standing in your dimly lit hallway, looking dishevelled and beautiful and dare you say, broken. The edge of his jawline caught the light, shimmering like a jewel, and the pools in his eyes were so sincere and so deeply blue that you wanted to fall right into them.

Were you going to do this? Were you going to let him in again? You thought of everything - rain splattered kisses, dancing under the pale moonlight, sour whisky in the corner of his office. You thought of all of the chaos, all of the blood, all of the family arguments and shouting that echoed around his manor. You thought of all the tears you had shed, all the times your throat had been raw and your heart shattered into pieces. You thought of strawberry fields and his hand in yours, laughing with his brothers until you couldn’t breathe, the way that he felt and smelt and spoke like home.

It had been bad, but it was also the best thing you had ever been a part of.

You sighed loudly, clicking your tongue, meeting him somewhere in the middle. “Fuck. I’m never going to get my deposit back.”

His whole body trembled, relief coming from every pore, and he made a vow to go to Church with Pol on Sunday and thank whoever was listening for getting you back. “Well you’re moving in with me so there’s nothing to worry about.”

You rolled your eyes, his large hands wrapping around your jaw, making you look at him. He smelt like woodsmoke and peppermint, like a million bad decisions and the tang of a smoking barrel. It took everything in you to not buckle at the knees and let him carry you like a child.

“You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.” He cradled your face, hoping his words came off as strongly out loud as they did in his head. He’s not going to fuck up again, but even he can’t stop his brain from short circuiting at the sight of you, so pretty with your doe eyes and raspberry lips, the skin on your throat just begging for the tug of his teeth.

You buried your head in his chest when he pulled you close, your words muffled through the cotton of his shirt. “If you ever speak to me like that again I’ll rip your fucking balls off.”

A soft smile, one that washes over him like warm candlelight. “I know.”

He’s not letting you go, not again. You’re a fucking part of him, like the blood that runs through his veins and the steady thump of his chest, you’re a part of his body, the reason why he can breathe and run and love. You’re the thing that stops the tremor in his hands, the thing that makes him so unshakeable, so tough and in control.

He had something to fight for.

And only knowing that you’re by his side, safe and warm and pressed into the crook of his body, does he finally allow himself to exhale.

[sumeshi-t]

random 1AM horny thots: the boi's reaction when seeing fem!s/o get a food baby after eating too much lol

characters: oikawa and ushijima (for now; might add a few more later on 😙✌🏻)

aksjdjajh pls enjoy my midnight brain vomit. i know this ain't too good and idk if it's been done before or not but oh well, here it goes 🥵

im shy but ackck im gon tag u @seijoh 🥺 i hope u feel better and sleep well tonite

Oikawa Tooru:

you surprised your bf by going to argentina so you could celebrate his birthday together

you asked help from some of his teammates he's told you about, and they were in on the surprise.

the moment you entered the gym where they trained, he hits a powerful serve, fueled by his excitement after just seeing a glimpse of you from the corner of his eyes. he got a service ace from that, even you were sure it was over 110km/h

then this boy just runs up to you, trapping you in his embrace, your feet off the ground and spinning you around

then comes the cake his teammates got him, someone on the side was actually recording all this. he was already peppering your face with kisses and you two just looked so damn happy even the coach was smiling wtf

so anyway, you guys go out that night and eat

oikawa tells you what food he likes, and what he thinks you were gonna like and he's so spot on like he knows you so well he even brings out the 100% out of your tastebuds—

lol

you were so full from all the food, so full from the love, attention, and affection your boyfriend was showering you that you felt "drunk"

trust me that shit happens. y'know, like food coma? yeah, you ate a lot and it feels like you actually got high on sum dr*gzz

it was time to call it a night, you gave the team some japanese souvenirs as a way of thanking them, not just about tooru's bday, but also because they're taking care of your man really well 🥺

oikawa brings you back to his apartment, apologizes for not having cleaned up and you say you didn't mind because really, it wasn't that dirty or like the jungle-type madness but even then, he goes straight up to at least making the place neat for the two of you so he cleans some of his mess

there was a full body mirror on the far wall, it reflects his bed and him moving about behind you. you were checking yourself out and you ended up chuckling

you put a hand on your low back and another to rub your belly. you were wearing such a body-hugging outfit so the food baby was hella obvious

"look tooru, i'm pregante," you laugh at your own joke and continue to rub your belly

oikawa lichrally stops. and just stares. at your smiling face then down to where your hands were placed.

this boy gulps. why was he feeling so thirsty all of a sudden-?

when you didn't hear him respond, you turn to look at him and he was already making his way toward you.

he wraps his arms around you, hands on your belly. there was no music but you two were swaying to the sound of each other's heartbeats.

without a word, his lips went straight for your neck, nipping and sucking; his hot breath tickling your sensitive skin, hands busy touching you everywhere.

you see him smirk while whispering, "seeing you like that babe, it just makes me want to knock you up so bad,"

next thing you know you were both naked on the bed, facing the mirror

you were on your knees, watching yourselves as your boyfriend took you from behind, your back arched against his chest while his hand gripped on your neck and the other firm against your hickey-filled abdomen; cum was already leaking out of your abused hole you actually lost count how many times the two of you came—

this was a fulfilling kind of feeling full.

and sure enough, you were bringing home with you a different kind of surprise when you went back to japan.

Ushijima Wakatoshi:

it was The Grandma Ushijima's 80th birthday

yeah that lady who wanted to correct your boyfriend's left handedness. she's still alive n kicking

yours and ushijima's schedules were freed up for a few days to help out in the celebration and of course, you stay in the Ushijima ancestral home

yes, ancestral home. tatami mats and all. but high quality ones with silk covers and stuff.

his family didn't mind having you two sleep in the same room; bc ngl they've been wanting a great grandchild.

the sooner the better

like fuck marriage, they want to see results first.

in the three days you spent there, you notice how yours and wakatoshi's tea is different, like is that some kinda ginseng floating around there-? type of different

or how they dug up all of his cute baby pics aww, look at his cute bare bottom

i also hc wakatoshi used to thumbsucc the left thumb it b cute and adorable, you were gushing until whoever was talking to you say that they can't wait to see him have a son or a daughter

anyway, the party soon came along

wakatoshi loved it when he saw you playing with the cousins' children, and how much you just fit in with the family

if he could, he'd have gotten on his knee there to propose, though he didn't have a ring... also, he didn't want to steal the spotlight from his grandma

sometimes he wonders if you were actually a long lost relative

bc also goddamn, your cooking is *chef's kiss* top notch, michelin chef, gordon ramsay approved

and what better way to reward yourself for a job well done is to self-appreciate the craft you yourself created

needless to say, your big appetite got yourself a big food baby after dinner

thus it was now bedtime, children were now asleep, other relatives already back in their own homes

this was the last night you two were staying over

you were lying on your side, face to face with wakatoshi; you were the one mostly doing the talking, jumping from family matters to his volleyball career

then your hand idly rested on your belly, rubbing it, and then you laugh, recalling the encounter you had with some of the Ushijima elders and aunts

"toshi, they really want me to get pregnant so bad. do you think they'll stop pestering me if i show myself like this?" you pat your food baby belly and snicker

his eyes wander towards your belly and he just froze in his spot

the sight of and the prospect of you carrying his child in that body of yours just flipped a switch inside of him. he reaches for your face, eyes now locked with yours. you melt under his big, warm hand, unaware of the brewing storm of emotions your boyfriend was having

"y/n"

"hmm?"

"i think the aunts are right,"

"what...?"

"i... want you to have my child, but... do you?"

which basically translates into "i want to fuck your brains out, may i?"

consent is sexy mhhm

he's so gentle, so careful with his movements, he treats your body like a sacred temple, his every kiss a wordless declaration of worship;

this baby bear was honestly just afraid of breaking you because he knows after that night, wakatoshi jr. will be next who's going to stir up your insides to make space for its growth

you really had to beg him, "more, harder!"

you really had to taunt him, "how are you gonna make me pregnant if you don't go deeper–oh,"

wakatoshi let go of the last string of self-control he had, that your face was pushed against the tatami mat, ass in the air, your hips slapping against each other

you oh-so-tried not to make much noise, but you knew how much wakatoshi loved that

you were sure that anyone who happened to pass by that room was gonna be so embarrassed yet so elated at the huge possibility of having another member to The Ushijima clan

[we-loves-them-robots]

Could i get some aizawachet cause im tired, gay, and its my bday today

Abso-fucking-luty my mans! I too am a tired gay. And happy Birthday! Enjoy.

Lazy Day

There’s very few things Shouta Aizawa enjoys more then time to relax outside his work, besides seeing a case solved or a kid saved or a drug ring busted. However, with a Class like 1-A, with Miko and Bakugou and Midoriya, those days were far and few in between. Not to mention Kaminari’s extra tutoring, Shinsou’s training, and the various other miscellaneous things he had to do on a daily basis.

Which is why, when his alarm goes off at one o’clock in the after noon, he groans as it wakes him from the pleasant nap he’d been experiencing, reaching over to slap the off button before dropping his hand once he finally turns the damn thing off. He doesn’t give it much thought, rubbing at the sleep in his eyes as he pads around in slippers, slurping from the cup of apple cider in his hands. Not winter yet, only autumn, but he was a sucker for warm drinks on days like these.

He jolts in surprise when the doorbell rings, hissing in slight pain when the warm liquid spilled all over his fingers. His eyes widen as he realized just exactly what it was he forgot, and he sprints to the bathroom, leaping over Dog -which whoever the cats previous owner was had a lot to answer for- and pulling his hair up into a somewhat presentable ponytail. Fucking shit, he was so damn screwed.

Less then two minutes later, he was in front of the entrance to his home, panting slightly but presentable. He opens the door to see Ratchet, who gives him a knowing look and a slight smirk that makes Shouta feel like an awkward teenager again.

“Sorry that took so long, Dog got her paw stuck in a sticky trap, and I had to get it off her.” He makes up the excuse on the spot, but to be honest, it’s a good one. It explains whatever stomping Ratchet may have heard, and the curses and yells of frustration that Shouta knows Ratchet heard.

“It’s not a problem. I don’t mind waiting a few minutes.” Ratchet smiles slightly, and a part of Shouta (the primal lizard hind brain that saved his ass more time then he can count) screams at him that there was something awfully wrong with his smile, with how perfect it was. Shouta shoves that part down viciously, and opens the door in invitation.

“Why don’t you come on in? Place is a mess, but I did manage a quick cleanup last night.” He says, and Ratchet steps inside, removing his coat and shoes politely, and putting on the slippers Aizawa had put out the night before. He does this with a sort of methodical manner, like he’d read it from a textbook and memorized the steps, and Shouta is reminded of another of their weird cultural differences.

“Thanks.” Ratchet eyes scan the living room, causing Shouta to jolt when he makes a quiet ‘tch.’ For a second, Shouta thinks he’s about to ridicule the state of his home, before he speaks. “Should’ve known you had a preference towards cats.”

Shouta can’t help it, he snorts our a laugh. “Off all the goddamn things to start off with when you’re first in my apartment, you pick that?” He deadpans

“Could have picked something a lot worse.” Ratchet points out, and Shouta concedes the point as he picks up the cup of cider.

“Maybe, but that’s not my point.” Shouta shoots back, and Ratchet seems to smirk slightly. They fell into this pattern more easily, snipping and teasing at each other, or simply grouching about their shared experiences dealing with reckless teenagers.

“What’s your point then?” Ratchet challenges, and Shouta again makes a note of how still he was, not fidgeting or twitching. He shoves that down again too.

“Not something that I need to tell you.” He retorts, and Shouta knows that Ratchet’s aware he won their little play fight. The slightly smug smirk on Ratchet’s face told him so. “Do you maybe want to put a movie on? I’m exhausted as hell.” He asks

Shouta can see Ratchet studying his face before he nods, and Shouta winces at the size of the eye bags he knows Ratchet can see. “That’s fine by me. Although, I’d like to know next time your this exhausted.” The other man chides, slipping into what Hizashi simply called, “The Medic Mode”, where the same tone of voice was used in order to get results in terms of his patients health.

“Not one of your patients.” He points out and Ratchet scowls at the tired man.

“Fine. Just pick the movie already, slag it.” Ratchet grumps and Shouta selects a movie at random, smiling when he sees that it’s a familiar and preferred romantic comedy Mic introduced him too. Ratchet settles on the couch, and Shouta leans up against him pressing play.

Through out the movie, Shouta is shifting his weight over and over, and he hears Ratchet huff for a moment, before casually lifting him up slightly and adjusting the both of them so that Shouta was slumped against Ratchets chest. For a second, Shouta wondered why, then realized when his soon to be boyfriend played with his hair tiredly, occasionally scratching at his scalp gently, and Shouta melts, tension leaking out of his muscles, and lean fully against the man, who gives a quiet laugh.

As his eyes slip shut, he decided that he really, really liked this man.

[naptoons]

Story Of Us-Joel Pimentel

Warnings: sexual content, alcohol reference, mild language.

Theme: Smut

A/N: this was requested by @cncogirl18 , I hope this is good enough for you and I hope it isn’t cringe asf cause I’m lowkey bad at writing imagines. And it’s first pov, just for you bby. And also google translated Spanish, it ain’t my first language but I’m learning slowly. I didn’t proofread either I kinda just typed it all in one go so I apologize for any errors🥺

20 years old I’ve turned. The age requirement that considers you an adult, and also the requirement that calls for experiences, drunken memories and maybe a little bit of hazy truth. And I just knew it was going to be crazy tonight. Cnco just finished their tour, Richard’s daughter was with her mom. I just knew that whatever happened tonight. I’m going to love it but hate it. Laying in your bed I waited for Chris to text me about the plan. I’m always close to Chris rather than all of the other members too the point that they thought we were dating.

Everytime the topic came up, the both of us just squelch in disgust,ultimately feeling so sick to my stomach that they could even think that. He was more like a brother to me, all of them were. Except Joel. Joel was more than a brother in my eyes. Yes very cliché but I couldn’t defeat silence as my heart beats whenever he was around. I couldn’t help but feel the butterflies build in my stomach. It’s been like that for a while, but the courage could never spill out, liquid courage is something different. I almost did once, if it wasn’t for Chris i could’ve ruined everything.

My phone buzzed interrupting my thoughts, it was Chris, sliding to answer I put the phone in speaker. “HAPPY BIRTHDAY PUTA!!!” He yells, just as i expected that’s why i put it speaker.

“Thank you puto, so what’s the plan?” I ask

“Duh, we’re getting you hammered for the first time, and not wine this time” Chris Jones

“Ha ha, that was one time” i roll your eyes, getting off the bed I walk towards the closet deciding on what outfit I’ll be wearing “so we’re going to a lounge or something?”

“I’m not telling you shit, sólo espera y mira” Chris laughs, knowing i won’t get anywhere with him I just nod my head and reply with an okay. “Coming to pick you up in thirty”

“bueno” I reply, then hanging up the phone, I m see a leather skirt and a red graphic crop top you bought two weeks ago. Smiling i grabbed it from your closet, laying it on the bed, sitting down on the floor i dictate which shows you want. Looking at my strappy black heels,I smile throwing them at the foot of my bed.

After my shower, I get dressed looking in the mirror at yourself I decided to change to something comfortable, so i switched your heels for some black platform ankle boots. Spraying favorite perfume on my phone rings. Already knowing who it is i don’t answer i just grab it along with my wallet. Swinging the door open you see Chris’s car. Locking the door to my apartment you race over to the passenger side.

“Who you trying to look good for?” Chris comments, while I strap yourself in with the seatbelt

“Cállate” i reply, on the way to wherever you guys were going, i controlled the music and he no say in it.

Cause it was my birthday.

Arriving at the club, Chris looks for a parking space, seeing as Richard was already here with The rest of the boys. Parking right next to their car I can hear Richard calling my name. “Fucking psycho” i mumbled. Getting out the car Richard raises his arms up bringing me into a tight hug.

“Happy birthday mami!!” Richard kisses the top of my head, smiling I hug him back “thank you rich” I pull out of his chest greeting the rest of the guys. When it was my turn to greet Joel. It seemed as if my brain went into tv static. But you pushed through it.

“Hey” shakily i approach him, Joel smiles sheepishly pulling me into a hug “hey happy birthday princesa” his voice melts into my heart, those infamous goosebumps traveling up my arm.

“thank you” i awkwardly mumble in his shirt. His hand slowly leaving my waist “I hope you don’t mind I bought more of my friends and Emilia along”

Softly I bite my lower lip softly at the name, i couldn’t deny it they were really great together, they had great chemistry. It just made me a little bit bitter that I lost my chance. A chance at holding him in my arms.

“Oh no it’s okay, the more the merrier” i smile, maybe a forced one but Joel really doesn’t pay attention to me. So I thought.

“bueno, lets go” Joel smiles, I nod my head greeting the rest of Joel’s friends, walking in the club it was packed, out of all the days my birthday could fall on. It had to be a Saturday.

“I’m going to regret ever taking up your offer” you punch Chris, he throws his arms around my shoulder “don’t worry we’re going to have so much fun tonight” he winks at me, to which Joel caught and he didn’t appreciate much.

Everyone but y’all knew the feeling was mutual. But the boys decided they wouldn’t interfere with someone else’s love life, they just decided “let nature take its course” Joel rolled his eyes at Chris’s remark, grabbing Emilia by the waist and making his way to the bar. My eyes eases him up and down sighing heavily I decided to not let him bother me.

At least not in the moment.

Five shots in i were tipsy maybe a bit beyond tipsy, taking shots after shots, Chris wasn’t lying when he said y’all were getting hammered. “I wanna dance now” I yell.

“Dale niña!” Chris says drowning in his last shot with a squeeze of a lime, nodding my head I turn around quiet too fast for my body to comprehend, i almost stumble off the stool. Joel and I made eye contact and immediately he grabs Emilia’s chin pulling it towards him and making out with her. Quiet sloppy, rolling i eyes and grab the first member which happened to be Richard.

“Wanna dance?” I smirk appears, Richard doesn’t get a chance to think as I’m grabbing his hand pulling him in the dance floor. As the music blared in the background, I back it up on Richard rubbing my ass on him, one of Richards hands was on my waist while the other was holding his drink, as I rolled my hips against his,singing the lyrics to the song that was playing. I look at Joel whose face is almost flushed with pink shades, i wink at him biting down on my lower lip trying not to smile.

Two can play your games Joel.

Richard throws his arm around my shoulder as my fingers hook onto his forearm. Richard presses me against him harder as his fingers imprint into my hips. After the song ended Richard and I made our way to the bar again grabbing another drink.

“How’s your birthday so far mami?” He asks

“Great! I swear I’ve never had this much fun in my life” i smile, sipping on my drink, i turn around and see Zabdiel dancing with a girl, smiling at my group of friends.

Excuse me for being a sappy drunk, but I’m so grateful for them, I never took them for granted. Richard flicks my forehead, flinching I hit him on his arms “What was that for?!” I scream

“You were being sappy drunk, we don’t need that here” Richard says downing another shot glass.

“Shut the fuck up” i drink the colorless liquid, turning back around I see Joel and Emilia grinding against each other, basically doing what Richard and I was doing.

“Trying to make Joel jealous?” Richard asks

“What?!” I asked startled just by my response he already knew my answer “I can help with that” Richard winks

“Really?” I ask, Richard doesn’t answer me but walks a over to Zabdiel putting me in between them, now this time i were grinding on Zabdiel fusing our bodies together sticking to each other like sap off a tree. Joel was fuming with anger and jealousy. He just couldn’t hold back his emotions tonight. But neither could I .

The tension was rising between the both of us. Would the flames swallow us up and disappear into pieces? Or would it ignite a new flame?

After that song I wanted to sit down, moving over to the couch, Joel tried to get away from Emilia to reach you but she sits on his lips wrapping her arms around his neck, stretching her legs out so their isn’t anymore room. Rolling my eyes I place my cross my arms across my chest.

“Can you please move your legs, I want to sit down” I ask politely when i should’ve said “fucking move your feet cunt”

“Why? So you can try to steal his attention?, don’t you have a man? Isn’t your man Chris? Stop playing these dudes hearts” she smiles sheepishly, every fiber in me holds back the urge to punch her in lip.

“One that isn’t none of your business and two I asked you politely to move your legs, im fucking tired, Joel make your girl move please” I ask as calmly as I can.

“Joel, you agree, she needs to learn to be loyal. She’s just fucking all your members, they’re all being played, that’s what you told me” Emilia smiles cradling his head in her hands, your eyes come into a sudden shock seeing as Joel has been talking shit about you to her. In such a negative way.

“Oh really?” I ask calmly

“So move along, you’re not his type” she says, your eyes dart at Joel whose been silent for a while, Joel’s eyes tries to meet yours darker than the nightsky. “Okay bet” I walk up to Emilia punching her in the lip feeling a pair of arms pick me up by the waist averting me away from the situation.

“Don’t you ever disrespect me goddamn it I should’ve gotten your fucking nose!!” I yell potentially busting a vein, Joel gets up finally looking down at emilia’s busted lip. His eyes now angry at you.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?!” Joel yells

“Me?! Bitch you’ve been talking shit about me like I ain’t nothing goddamn!!!” I yell feeling my feet on the ground, but arms still holding my waist. “You fucking piece of shit you thought I was fucking your members?! That’s what you really think of me?! I fucking love you!! You!!”

“Only you dumbass!!” I start crying through my yells, the lump in my throat closing my air way

“So what the fuck is with you and Chris?!” Joel finally speaks

“Hes my fucking cousin!! Why would I date my cousin?!” The grip on your waist falls flat

“Your cousin?” Zabdiel questions. In fury you walk away from the heated situation and into the bathroom slamming the door behind you, the mascara I once knew of was dripping down your face. Grabbing a paper towel I wet it then wipe it off. the more I wiped the more the tears flowed.

I just knew it would slip. But no this way. I didn’t know it would come out in the heat of an argument. It’s not like you were hiding that Chris and I were related I just thought it didn’t have to be stated. The door jiggles open not even looking to see who it was I just keep cleaning my makeup off.

“Brenda, let’s talk about this” his voice sending those chills throughout my spine.

“One don’t call me that and What is there to talk about? I’m just a fucking whore in your eyes” you sting him

“I’m sorry bre,Never for a second did I ever say or thought that” Joel replies in sincerity

“So what did you really think Joel?” I ask turning around towards him, his hands cupping my face with one hand and cleaning my makeup with the other.

“I think you’re a rainbow in the middle of a hurricane,the moon before it kisses the ocean, the sunflower in the middle of roses, you’re different bebesita, just the woman I fell in love with” Joel mummers

“You don’t mean that you’re fucking drunk” I slur

“Not drunk enough to wear my heart on my sleeves for you, ask me this tomorrow and I can tell you word for word what I said” Joel looks into my eyes intensely, he tilts my chin up to his lips as out fuse together, tasting the strawberry liquor he drank, his hands on top of my ass picking me up and putting me on the sink. His lips now on the my tepid neck, my fingers combing their way through his hair. Joel pulls out of my neck his eyes easing me up and down trying to level with mine.

“Bre, I love you okay? No one else” Joel speaks softly

“So you and Emilia?” I ask curiously

Joel’s smile increases “we were never a thing, I want us to be a thing, trust me I won’t break your heart, the last thing I want to do is see you cry again because of me” Joel’s smile disappears, I touch his jawline caressing them with my fingernails.

“Me too” I mumble

“So will you go out with me bre?” Joel speaks above my lips, nodding my head he leans in smiling as our flavors interlock with each other. Joel helps me jump down from the counter and onto the floor. “Let’s go home?” He ask more or less as a question

“Yeah”

Erick ended up driving the both of us home, cause we were way past drunk to even think about getting on the road. Kicking off my shoes at the front door I meet Joel in the room, seeing him already half undressed, my face begins to change in temperature, my knees begin to buckle and become jello. Ignoring the pool in between my thighs I jump on the bed sitting on the edge of the bed. Joel turns around smiling at me which just brings back those butterflies. Now that he is actually mine I don’t think those will ever go away.

Joel towers over me pressing his lips upon mine moving in sync with each other, slowly I lean onto the sheets of his bed caressing his biceps with my nails. Joel lets out a soft groan in my mouth his hand gripping onto my thigh raising it up to his waist as his body dips into me. Rubbing his hard member against my wet core. Both of letting out a desperate pleasure, Joel pulls away his eyes painting onto mine.

“Wanna continue this?” Joel questions

“With you? Yeah I do” i smile, Joel’s smile slowly starts to creep upon his face, my hands find themselves under his shirt feeling his abs clenching on and off to my touch. “You got me, so now what?” I smile

“Eres muy hermosa” Joel mumbles, his plump lips leaving tiny trails of kisses on my neck up to my jawline as I gasp in comfort, his hands sliding under the fabric of my clothes touching my burning flesh. His hands cups one of my breasts as his lips makes their way down to my neck. Pulling away he tugs on the hem of my shirt and lifting it over my head. Before I could process anything his lips attack my swollen nipples licking and tugging at the seams as his fingers firmly unclampes my bra from the back, my back slowly rising off the bed sensitive to the way his tonuge explores my body.

Backing away from my body Joel pulls my bra down from my body as I look at him in lovestruck, Joel smiles at my sudden subspace, lifting his shirt over his head my eyes can’t help but to wonder every detail and curve to his body.

And I can’t believe tonight I’m going to be under it. Joel pulls down the zipper of my skirt, I lift my hips up to him slightly as his fingertips hook on my fabric pulling down both pieces of clothing down throwing it on the floor for decor. Slowly Joel opens my legs wide his fingertips digging into my waist he pulls me closer to him. Joel’s lips begin kissing the inside of thighs softly as my body aches for his touch, his breath hovering over my swollen clot awaiting for his tongue to be buried inside of my slit. Joel makes eye contact with my forming that smirk he’s been giving my all night. With one finger he slides up and down my slit coating it in my colorless essences.

His soft but simple touch feels like ecstasy to me, popping his finger into his mouth tasting me he presses down on my clit making me squeeze the covers in my hands. “Joel...” I plead. “What is it you want baby?”

“You” I let out desperately, Joel wastes no time after my answer as his tongue slowly laps up my slit dripping in sticky liquid just pouring out by every touch he makes. Joel’s eyes meet up with mine, feeling his tongue creating circles around my swollen clit with a tight tug of his lips sucking. My head sinks into the pillow letting myself fall into euphoria. Joel savoring me like his last meal, groaning into me as my moans fill the air along with the beads of sweat trickling down my body. My eyes rolling back at the his tongue flicks my sensitive bud. A knit begins to form in my stomach as my moans start to become more and more silent.

“I’m gonna come..” was the only sentence I could achieve, Joel hovers over me his two fingers pressed against my pearl shifting them from side to side filling the air with my juices and sparse broken moans. Joel wraps his hand around my throat softly but still be mindful not to choke me. “Come baby, mira pa’ acá princesa” his voice reverbs off the walls, opening my eyes you look into his. “You’re going to come for me babygirl?” Nodding my head as the whimpers begin to spilling out of me, my legs begin to tremble eyes rolling back as silence fills the room. My legs begin to close but Joel holds them open using his middle finger only to slide up and down my slit sending me into another phase of euphoria.

“I can’t Joel..” I whimper holding his wrist with one hand, but Joel ignores my cries, applying pressure back to my bud, rubbing in a circular motion his fingers engulfed in a creamy substance, this time his pace stable. Bitting down on my lower lip my whole body begins to shake reaching a another climax, “you’re so beautiful baby when you come” my hand digging into his forearm as I cum all over his fingers. His tongue cleaning me up I spasm every time it comes into contact with my bud. He unbuckles his belt dropping his pants and boxers to the floor. Reaching over the his bedside table he pulls out a gold wrapper. My body still trying to come down from the high as my chest rises up and down slowly.

“Ready for this?” Joel reassures “is this something you really want?”

“Wouldn’t want to have anyone else as my first” I smile caressing his jawline

“Me too” Joel slowly dips into me sliding ever so slowly as my face screws up in agony “am I hurting you? Do you wanna stop?” Joel ponders, opening your eyes you meet those soft butter pecan eyes. “No, keep going” I whisper. Joel intertwines his hands with mine, as my walls engulf him deeper and deep, the pain slowly started to subdue and pleasure came to replace it.

“Better?” Joel’s soft voice rings

“So much better” I moan, feeling him slide in and out of me, his manhood stretching me out with every slow thrust, almost sensing that I want more Joel sinks deeper into me planting his kisses on my neck, my fingertips scratching his back making sketches upon his skin my soft moans echoing his ears felt like he was in the studio recording a song. With every stroke I lose my breath, our hips clashing together as the beads of sweat drip upon us both. His grinds increased as the headboard constantly thumped against the wall.

The familiar knot builds in my stomach as Joel’s strokes become sloppier but never stopping to hit my sweet spot. We were both close to falling over the edge. “Come for me” He whispered as I fell over the edge into a waterfall of pleasure, grabbing purchase of his hair My eyes rolled back as I screamed his name, as he came along with me. My eyes slowly open feeling my walls unclench from him, rolling the condom off he threw it in the trash coming back with a warm wash cloth, to clean ne up.

“Do I taste bad?” I joke Joel’s eyes dart at me in concern “it’s a joke baby, cause you the cloth you’re too sweet”

“I mean I can use my tongue to clean you, but I may not know when to stop” Joel answers me cleaning my cum up I squirm a little making Joel chuckle. “I love that, me necesita” Joel raspy voice creates a heated pool in between my thighs. Getting back in the bed Joel wraps his arms around my waist sticking my back to his chest, while his chin sinks into the dip of my shoulder.

“I love you Joel”

“I love you more baby” Joel replies through the heavy clouds of sleep.

Waking up the next morning Joel left me a note saying he went to practice for their performance here in my hometown , breakfast is on the counter. Smiling I grab my phone heading straight for Instagram I see a picture of Joel.

358,662 likes

joelpimentel

🛏 day.

@/Bree__

All mine right?🤤

joelpimentel

@/bree__ all yours mami😘

Smiling I set my phone down heading to the kitchen not until I hear keys jangling in the lock. Joel’s head pops into his house closing the door behind him locking it with one hand. “So were??”

“Oh shush” Joel shuts me up by cupping my jawline in his hand planting his lips on top of mine, his lips tasted of raspberry, pulling away he kisses all over my face as I let out a series of giggles. “Yeah we’re official I don’t know who asked who, but you’re mine I don’t like sharing”

“Me either” grabbing a French fry you smile. Joel being my boyfriend was something I thought to be impossible but here I am I’m his kitchen wearing his hoodie. Couldn’t be any better.

[zontiky]

Ahem McDonald’s five au pls?

goddamn it’s been forever but i can’t stop won’t stop so you’RE GONNA HEAR ABOUT MY MICKEY D’S FIVE AU LET’S GO

so. the legal age you have to be to work at mcdonalds is? 14 years old according to google, but it may vary depending on the place. aidan is 16, five passes for 16 even though he’s 13 ok

there is absolutely no way he would actually let them say he’s 13 he’d be like “ugh at least make it 14 damn” even though,,, his birthday is in like,,, less than a year,, ok i realize that isn’t how ageing works but cut me some slack

POINT IS he passes for 14 ok. DOUBLE POINT is that he would wait until he’s legally 14 anyway so idk it works alright

but!! so !! plot time! this is the part i’m bad at but bear with me i’m onto something i swear

five is pissy bc he doesn’t really have anything to do. he takes school online bc he’s way above middleschool obviously, and like?? he moves fast with those classes too bc hes a genius like he knows big brain things yk

so anyway somebody (klaus) jokingly suggests “oh well maybe if youre bored you should get a job or smth it’s not like extra money can hurt anybody ever”

five’s thought process is like

if i get a job i earn money

if i earn money i can spend money how i want and not need to drag my idiot siblings along with me constantly

i GUESS it would be good to have job experience or something whatever

lets be real folks

nobody except for fucking mcdonalds would accept this garbage racoon child celebrity looking 14 year old asshole. i know im exaggerating and there are 100% other places that would employ this walking shitshow but my point stands

klaus and ben chanting: mc donalds! mc don alds! mc donaaaaaalds

five: ffffffffffffiNE

mc donalds it is

also yeah i know its not 2 words but this is my au and besides how can you prove it isnt 2 words in the tua universe?? you cant, check and mate

anyway

five marches his 14yo ass up to mcdonalds like “hire me” and they all just,, they look at this kid,, coming in in schoolboy shorts looking like a prep straight off the school website,, and they hire him instantly.

idk ive never worked at mcdonalds but lets say that there are mainly older teenagers there so like college/highschool students and five comes in on his first day in his too big uniform with a frown and messy hair, his older brother is waving at him from outside and they just “omg little sibling”

five is a prickly asshole! you know this! but they dont!! so they try to approach him and make him feel welcome and he just straight up hisses at them

woah there five thats not how you do social interaction

better luck next time?

anyway this isn’t actually the point of the au the point is five works at mcdonalds and the others take advantage of this always

klaus walks into mcdonalds and hes barely wearing a shirt, ben is trailing after him and the two walk up to where five is manning the cash register, klaus leans over and ruffles his hair, five rolls his eyes but doesn’t maim him immediately?

all of the other workers are like o.o

klaus, in the snarkiest fucking voice, asks five what he would recommend

“this is a mcdonalds”

‘yeah i know that what should i get’

“get a fucking smoothie i know you’re not gonna drink anyway and get out”

ben from behind: actually i wanted chicken nuggets–

“shut up ben you can’t even eat”

ben voice: smh rude

anyway. diego always. always. he fucking comes in decked out in his bondage gear and he walks up to the register completely deadpan but only when it’s five’s shift, and he stares deep into five’s eyes and orders

“one kid’s meal”

five stares back completely emotionless as he rings him up and says “anything else”

“no just the kids meal”

“do you want apple slices with that”

“yeah”

and then he gets the meal and just. gives it back to five. and he gives him the biggest shit-eating grin and tells him to enjoy his lunch and powerwalks out of there before five can get charged for murder

that only works once though bc next time five is READY but so is diego so he continuously orders frappes or whatever the fuck mcdonalds sells

i havent actually been inside a mcdonalds for months i can’t remember what the sell

oh wait lmao frappes are starbucks mcdonalds has uhh mcflurries???

is that what they’re called? mc flurries? what kind of fucking name is that akjdhfksd

ANYWAY THEY ALL BULLY FIVE AT MCDONALDS

allison walking in like “one fish fillet please :)” and everybody whispering bc ohmygod samantha look its ALLISON HARGREEVES what is she doing in our mcdonalds OHMYGOD–!!! and she just keeps smiling as five hands her the sandwich and she walks out, but walks back in seconds later

‘oh by the way luther’s picking you up today’

“i can walk”

‘no you can’t you have baby legs, i’ll see you when your shift is over bye!’

*five’s teeth creaking as he grins his jaw noises* “bye”

anywho

this au pleases me immensely ok

like

you don’t even know how much joy i have from picturing dead-eyed five in a mcdonalds uniform selling a doughnut

somebody keep this gremlin away from their coffee machines though. he learns to use them immediately and gets coffee constantly. they cant even call him out on it bc he pays everytime

well almost everytime but you know its whatever they’re all soft for their adolescent coworker anyway

ok this is where my brain goes bloop but i’ve began a shitty art for this au so like if i ever finish that i’ll put a link here ripppp

YEAH THAT’S IT aren’t you glad i exist because without me you wouldn’t have a mcdonalds five au, YOU’RE WELCOME

[unexpectedcronchiness]

CINDERELLA AU I WROTE FROM THE GROUP CHAT PART SOMETHING

WARNING: mentions of abuse yall its now on ao3 so if youd rather read it there go ahead https://archiveofourown.org/works/24003439 

It wasn't Remus's fault he was a werewolf. If anything it was the blasted moon's fault, for taking the sanity of his mind once a month to fulfill its own personal desires. it wasn't his fault his parents and sisters didn't like him. Well most of the time. He would be lying if he said he hadn't egged them on every now and then but not often, not often enough for this.

Remus gingerly rubbed his arm,one of the many areas whipped and beaten tender and raw frequently. It would have been nice to think that his loving family were smart enough to not have left marks, but alas, they weren't. Not that it mattered. He'd had marks since his first moon, when he was six. 

The marks were just one other thing that showed how he was a monster, less than human but close enough to know how much he wanted to be one. His eyes, that reflected light like a wolf, his canine teeth, just a bit larger than normal, enough to be unsettling, and his ears, that could hear the slightest of sounds outside of the full moon.

His ears he didn't mind so much, they were nice and offered him his only friends, the animals near their manor, but they were still unnatural. Speaking of his friends he heard a familiar scatter and quickly made sure the door to the attic, his room, was locked. 

Peter, as the rat had told him his name was, scurried into the room. Peter on the outside seemed like a rat in every sense of the word until you talked to him. It seemed he was the opposite of Remus in a sense, a human with just a taste of being something less than, to know to avoid it.

ya got any of that good cheese the rat squeaked. Remus rolled his eyes, Peter also had a very one tracked mind.

"sorry friend, no meals for me for a while" he stated matter of factly. Peter groaned as well as a rat could groan.

What did you do this time? You know you shouldn't egg them on.

"Why, little ol me?" Remus mock gasped, "I would never." then he laughed "Well I would and do, but not this time. This time it was because I forgot to clean the chicken coop a third time, silly me."

Peter looked stern

 you could leave, tear them apart, you're a werewolf for merlins sake, you have magic, wandless magic most wizards would kill for it.

"you forget" Remus added bitterly "Most werewolves kill for it. Or well jealousy of it. doing wandless magic would be like waving a sign saying "hello, I'm a werewolf, incredibly dangerous and unstable, grab your pitchforks and torches, please, go ahead and kill me. Besides it's not like I can have my wand, its locked up remember." This much was true, his wand had been locked up since he had first been bitten. Peter squeaked in indignation, he didn't like when Remus spoke so casually about such things or used his wry sarcastic voice like such.

Remus would have continued if it weren't for the thudding of someone coming up the ladder to the attic. Peter started squeaking in fright.

"Shhh, Peter, be quiet, hide." Remus hissed, trying to keep the nerves out of his voice. 

The trapdoor swung open and his father, Lyall Lupin, stepped in in disgust.

"You'll be getting a reprieve, lucky you." Remus tried not to perk up at this, knowing that the rest of the story was yet to come.

"The black family is holding a ball for their sons 19th birthday and we are invited. We, of course, means not you." Remus resisted scoffing, naturally.

The Lupins were high society and therefore high enough to be invited to many gatherings, occasions, balls, parties and such, even by the Black Family. To be honest, the black family mostly gained its respect and wealth from fear and other unsavory going ons.

still, he couldn't help the pang of remorse of knowing that he could never go to one, much less the blacks. He had heard that Sirius black, the heir to the blacks title, was a sight to behold.

Even with successfully having kept his emotions in check, one look of misery flying across his face was enough for punishment.

"crucio '' Lyall whispered, barely audible. but Remus's ears could hear it, Remus could recognize the hatred that would flare in his father's eyes, and the way his lips moved, and his arm raised ever so slightly. He would have known what was coming even without being a werewolf.

Remus didn't scream. 

For the first 3 seconds at least. a new record, a small part of his brain laughed.

Finally after years, the pain ended and Remus was on all fours, choking up blood, and clawing at the floorboards.

Crucio was not a favorite in the Lupin household but it was used when deemed necessary, or ya know, when someone was just angry or stressed enough.

"Remember your place, monster. You do not, have not, and will not ever deserve to feel emotions. Emotions are for humans" Lyall sneered and then spat at Remus.

and with that he left, crying out a list of chores and a "We'll be back at 3 in the morning, have them completed by then."

Remus didn't dare nod. He sat in silence before he remembered that Peter was still in the room.

"Oh shit, Peter are you ok? SHit I'm so sorry you had to see that." While Remus had screamed whilst being taught his lesson, he had not cried. He frequently chalked that up to simply having no more tears left to cry, or that monsters simply didn't cry but as he saw Peter shaking in fear under his bed covers, his heart broke. 

"Peter, shh, shh, hey, im ok, see im ok, everything's alright"

I should be comforting you! The cruciatus is illegal!

"so is a werewolf living unregistered."

thats different

"How so, please enlighten me between using a spell that makes you a monster and being a monster." Remus snapped. 

Peter paused, then tried to keep his voice even.

Remus, you can't believe him, you are not a monster in any way shape or form, please tell me you don't believe him

"Oh really Peter, would a human be able to smell the fear on you, because I do, you're afraid Peter, afraid of me, afraid of the monster I am."

I am afraid for you, huge difference Peter retorted as calmly as he could muster. Remus sighed.

"I know, you're right, im sorry Peter. its- its been a long day, I think im going to take a walk"

don't be too long, its a full moon tonight.

"how could I ever forget" Remus said with a smile, and with that he left.

------------

Remus took a walk around the grounds, and finally collapsed on a stone bench by the moonflowers. ugh fucking moon flowers, he hated them. they only bloomed at night and only the magical ones bloomed on full moons.

Draping his arms and head across the bench as he knelt in the grass Remus sighed, trying to steady his breathing. In. Out. In. Out. but then the pace changed, the rhythm uneven, interrupted by hiccups, some breaths shallow, others unbearably deep like it was the first breath of air he'd ever had. Oh, he was crying, Remus realized. apparently he was still human enough to cry. Then he looked at the moon, steadily rising in the night sky and cried even harder.

"-i wish,I fucking wish" he hiccuped. "that I could just be fucking normal for one goddamn night, get dressed up even. Hell maybe I could go to the fucking black party." He mocked a posh voice "Wouldn't that be a ball" and he was laughing as he cried. He heard a rustle behind him, felt the shadow being cast on him and looked up.

A stag, a rather large one at that. That was odd, something about him reminded him of Peter.

it's dangerous to wish upon moonlight, hadn't you heard

"I think I've apparently preemptively paid my price, thanks for the concern." then Remus was looking at the stag oddly, he was different in the same way Peter was.

"besides," Remus continued conversationally, "I hear that werewolves come out on full moons, nasty things those werewolves are, can't trust them. You better run along before you get mauled."

you only change at midnight, I think im fine 

this shocked Remus, he did not expect the stag to know he was a werewolf and was hoping for him to run along and let him continue being dramatic in the moonlight.

so about those wishes, what would you do for them 

Remus could tell when someone was trying to change the topic, so he obliged.

"what would you do if you were in my situation?" Remus asked, not willing to play the stags games.

i would kill, hurt, take my revenge, my justice, take what's mine, my rights

"you and I are not very alike then, I don't think I ever could do that." This seemed to please the stag as it's upper lip curled just a bit. 

 please, call me James 

and with that Remus felt the tingle of magic under his skin, yet it wasn't in a bad way like normal. Not understanding what was happening, but embracing the feeling, Remus shut his eyes, stood and let whatever the apparently magical deer wanted to happen, happen. Was it odd to say that he trusted this deer as much as Peter?

when Remus opened his eyes, he was wearing a white suit with blue and gold accents and he was standing in something hard, but not uncomfortable. He looked down. Fucking moonstone shoes. what the fuck. how were they not a) heavy as all get out b) uncomfortable as all get out and c) why there weren't literally any other material that wasn't moonstones.

"look while I appreciate being told I need fashion help,I don't think i-"

I'm not finished, the stag, James, said amused. then he turned around to a pumpkin in the garden.

Suddenly the pumpkin was growing, then it was paling in color, and then it was hollow, and then there were craters and oh shit, James , a deer, James the deer, had a fucked up sense of humor turning a pumpkin into a moon carriage that glowed in the other moons moonlight. Moon moon moon moon moon. Remus thought to himself in disgust. Remus just wished he understood what the punchline was.

"again, while I appreciate being told I need better wheels I still don't-" James laughed, or neighed, or whatever it was that stags did. 

you're very impatient and then there was a rustle again, this time smaller

James turned around, not angry, not amused, but like something he had rather wished not to believe had made sense.

and look, now we have our mighty steed!  James whipped his head around, and Remus cried out, recognizing Peter. Peter squeaked in fear and turned to run but was too slow. at an uneven pace his body began growing and shifting until he was a "mighty steed" as James put it

"Peter, are you ok, can you hear me?" the horse, Peter, nodded. James looked shocked, well as shocked as stag could look Remus supposed

you call him Peter?

"yes,I call you James and I call him Peter, there are these things called names you see, they're very funny" Remus retorted, angry that his friend had been turned into a horse

"Look mr.I would murder someone stag,I don't appreciate my friend being turned into a horse and would rather you tell me what's going on or turn him back this instant." James grinned,

for a smart one you can be stupid. I thought it was obvious, you have to arrive at the black mansion in style of course. 

Remus gaped, no he couldn't do this, what if he was caught by his family, what if he hurt someone, what if he-

as he started to voice these complaints to James he was cut off

you've got one shot at normal, maybe even turning your life around, will you take it? 

Remus didn't know if he could bear tasting normalcy and then having it ripped away from him but he couldn't bear it either way so he nodded.

good, because otherwise all this transfiguration would've gone to waste.

"transfiguration- wait- how do you , can you-"

well would you look at the time, the party's about to start, hop on lets get going, no time to dawdle and James nudged Remus into the carriage where Peter had hooked himself up begrudgingly. 

"wait why are you doing this, what are you?"

who knows, maybe I'm your fairy godmother or something, did you ever think of that hmm, and frankly,I don't care. 

and with that, James was gone.

----------

Sirius sighed. He would have much preferred a quiet celebration with his best mates Peter and James but sure, why not, throw a lavish party, thank you.

Still it's not like he could complain, he liked dancing, he liked people, sometimes, and he liked meeting young men. Sirius knew part of the reason why his mother was hosting this party, so he could find a nice wealthy respectable lady, get hitched, get her prego and create another bundle of tiny blacks.

Not like that would ever happen if men kept looking the way they did,  and that didn't appear to be stopping anytime soon so he got ready for the ball.

An hour of prep later, freshly showered and clothed in a black suit with red and gold accents, standing in front of the mirror Sirius was wondering if he should even go to this party in his honor. He could just bail, it's not like he didn't already know all of the men going and that they were all pretty damn straight. and boring, can't forget boring. He could just grab James and Peter, get some firewhiskey and waste the night away, yeah that sounded nice.

Speaking of James and Peter, he was beginning to get worried. Peter had been pretty flighty as of late saying shit like he was seeing his "werewolf friend named Remus that was being abused" honestly, Peter should have outgrown imaginary friends, but that seemed rude to say so Sirius went along with it. He was beginning to grow rather concerned as Peter's description of his, Remus's, abuse was growing rather vivid, and very violent. James on the other hand, well they were attached at the hip. while the blacks and potters didn't necessarily historically get along very well, that had never stopped James and Sirius. maybe he was out prancing in his animagus form? He had been doing that a lot too lately as well. Or maybe he was trying to woo lily, who knew?

finally, James showed up, a half hour before the party started covered in leaves and looking magically exhausted muttering something about "a moon, a giant moon, damn im so fucking good" and laughing to himself. 

"Oi James, fucking finally? Where have you been? does this mean we're skipping" James swayed a little in place and Sirius immediately fetched him some water. At the word skipping James straightened up, trying to keep a calm face.

"No no no, it's your 19th birthday. I think you should go, I have a feeling this one'll be special."

that was odd. James and Sirius both knew that his birthday often turned into a shit show as they both grew bored with the company and the whole thing in general and decided to plan a monstrous prank. not something "special." giving up trying to understand the inner workings of James's mind Sirius sighed and said simply 

"i have a green suit that will go nicely with your eyes in my closet, get the leaves out of your hair, try to make yourself presentable and I'll go get it" James grinned that classic James grin and saluted

did not mean to hit send yet whoops

"yessir" and began fussing with his hair trying to get leaves and sticks out.  Sirius rummaged around in his closet, still worrying about Peter. when he voiced this to James, James merely grinned wider and said "I think he's hanging out with his werewolf friend"

"On my birthday?" Sirius whined James laughed and said simply

"as much as it tries to, the world does not revolve around you."

Sirius sighed dramatically once more, looked at the time, and got ready to go greet his arriving guests

-------------

Remus's family was wealthy, he knew that much, but what he did not know was that his wealth was inconsequential in comparison to the blacks.

 a mass of black brick, gargoyles and buttresses that was the black mansion spread across the horizon as the steady line of extravagant carriages grew nearer.

Remus swallowed his nerves and adjusted his hair and after what seemed like ages they arrived. Remus tentatively walked the steps, not trying to feel self conscious as he was walking alone, while everyone else was in groups of around 3 or more.

"name sir?" Oh shit, Remus forgot about this part, the overly dramatic "hey let's announce your whole presence so your abusive family knows you disobeyed them and shit" part. panicking, Remus said baldar io. baldar after one of the arabic words for moon and io after jupiter's moon. shit. he just named himself moon moon. 

"SIR BALDAR IO" the man cried out, and more than a few heads turned, at this unfamiliar name. 

Remus shrunk under the attention and decided he would make his way over to the buffet as gracefully as possible when the large double doors at the end of the room flung open. Out walked a woman and three men, all with jet black hair. Remus would have assumed that they were all related if it weren't for the jet green eyes of one of them, while the others had a stark grey. 

Remus couldn't help it, he was a little amused, and a little disappointed. The infamous blacks were rather ordinary looking, the younger one, that Remus assumed must be Sirius, had short black hair and a hollow gaze. and Then all of them shifted, and Remus's eyes widened as a hush filled the room.

"the young Sirius black!" the woman, his mother, announced. Sirius black was more than Remus could have ever imagined beauty to look like.

his hair was long and black, obviously, but it curled at odd romantic angles, his jawline looked like it was sharp enough to kill, but would settle for helping give gentle kisses instead, his eyes lacked the piercing violent ferocity that the other 3 blacks had, but looked as though it's own ferocity was nothing to be mocked.

Remus openly gaped, and even heard a couple of chuckles around him as people noticed. 

the man, Sirius black looked bored yet intrigued by the whole thing, like he was waiting for something special to happen but was disappointed it hadn't happened yet.

Remus had to leave he had to get out, shit how could he even be in the same room as this man without combusting he would never know as he turned to leave, Remus realised he was gathered in the middle of the dance floor with everyone else and the music began to swell.

shit shit shit shit shit.

"I can't help to notice you're looking a little lost." without turning around Remus chuckled

"you would have noticed correctly then"

"So what brings you to the dance floor if not to dance?"

"I was-" Remus turned around and silently gasped, Sirius black was standing in front of him, smirking.

"well then, shall we show them all up and dance absolutely divinely, badar io?"

"I-I'm afraid I wouldn't be doing much showing up as I have no clue what this is,"

"Well you see, this is called a waltz, Shostakovich Waltz No 2 to be precise." Remus rolled his eyes at sirus's teasing.

"Believe it or not I can recognize shostakovich when I hear it, I mean, I do not know how to dance to it. this one looks very specific." Sirius's face broke out into a full fledged grin as he said

"No better time to learn than the present, and I happen to be an excellent partner."

"And a modest one too" Remus said dryly as he awkwardly shuffled, not knowing what to do with his limbs

Sirius noticed and took pity on Remus as he gently grabbed Remus's wrists, and guided the left hand to his shoulder, the right enclosed in his own and then sirus's hand was on his waist, unconsciously circling the fabric there with his thumb. Remus's breath hitched. He was in for a long night.

--------

this one, this one was funny, he was interesting, bloody gorgeous, and best of all, as gay as Sirius was. He had recalled hearing the unfamiliar name "badar io" and was immediately intrigued, but also confused when James laughed like this was the funniest thing since his first prank.

James, taking mercy on Sirius's confused and desperate expression, happened to point out the young rugged looking man that was confused on the dance floor.

And so Sirius had walked up to him, smirking, laying on the Sirius style charm, and then he didn't know how to dance which Sirius really shouldn't have found as endearing as he did, and then, one itsy bitsy final test, Sirius put his hand on badars waist, circling it, very consciously mind you, with his thumb and did a victory dance in his head as badar's breathe hitched.

he was at least a little gay alright.

So the night went and Sirius had only eyes for badar, and it seemed badar only had eyes for him, but more so than in the "hey it's Sirius black, how cool is that" way. like Sirius was his own person, interesting and attractive, and Sirius could've drowned in that look the entire night.

Instead he settled for flirting and far too personal questions. He had never really had the time or patience for small talk and this man was obviously his soulmate.

Sirius had had no belief in soulmates whatsoever until he laid eyes on badar. and his beliefs were only confirmed as he had begun to relax, get into the flow of the music, crack wry and witty jokes, and eventually flirt back.

Sirius had held no belief in true love either, or love at first sight, but as he was quickly learning, he needed to open his mind more. 

"favorite color" Sirius asked, dead serious. ha, serious he thought, the pun never failing to amuse him. badar laughed, a sound Sirius thought might possibly be his favorite in the whole wide world.

"You go from, biggest fear, greatest insecurities, what are some of the morals you live by, do you believe in second chances to what's your favorite color?" badar laughed again. "you seem to enjoy doing things backwards. it's silver. What about you?" Sirius stared intently into badars eyes and his answer had changed from the usual red or maroon to a brilliant gold, just like badars own irises

"gold"

"ah yes like your suit which is not at all gaudy in any way shape or form"

"Oi ill have you know this suit is top of the line thankyouverymuch."

"I'll have you know that top of the line can be gaudy, thankyouverymuch"

Sirius laughed for what felt like the millionth time that night.

"do you want to get out of here," he asked?

badar coughed

"ar-are you propositioning me????"

"what- OH- oh no no no, shit, no,Ithought we could go into the garden, give you a break, check out the lights and talk some more maybe?"

"oh, ok, that sounds lovely. but ill have you know I'm not accepting because im tired, im accepting because you look tired and  Iobviously have far to much stamina for you"

Sirius laughed again, but truth be told, he wanted to see how much stamina badar really had, he wanted to-

coughing and adjusting himself, he led badar out to the back gardens.

--------------

The blacks had certainly not spared any expense when it came to floriculture, the garden was decked out in strongylodon macrobotrys, chocolate cosmos, dendrophylax lindenii, shenzen nongke orchids and-

Remus laughed, moonflowers, but only magical ones. only ones that bloomed on full moons,

It was odd, hearing Sirius laugh and pay attention to him like he was the most interesting person in the world.

It was odd, hearing himself be referred to as badar.

it was odd, he rather liked badar, it was like an alter ego, a persona, except it felt real. With a start, Remus realized that was because he was simply being his genuine self.

it was odd, seeing the usually confident Sirius black shyly not make eye contact as his soft hands intertwined with Remus's.

It was odd, feeling his own arm move over to run his fingers through Sirius's soft hair.

it was odd, being close enough to count his eyelashes, to feel his breath on his lips, to see every detail of his eyes-

it was odd feeling soft lips pressed against his own for the very first time

it was odd as he relaxed into Sirius's arms, as his eyes fluttered shut, as the tingling drifted from his stomach all the way to his finger tips. 

It was odd trusting a person so completely and fully as he did Sirius, and have them not even know his real name.

His moment of bliss was interrupted as he heard an ominous dong of the giant clock in the garden.

Shit shit shit fuck shit fuck dammit fuck

Remus didn't know how he would handle going back, knowing the tenderness he was missing, the soft hands against his own, something kind and loving that was in the world, but he knew he must. 

He pulled away frantic and said

"thank you, thank you so, so much- b- but-I really have to go." Sirius looked crestfallen at this but reached out and grabbed Remus's arm before he could fully flee.

"will I see you again" that set off the waterworks for Remus

"No, I don't think you will." The clock rang out again. and pulled Sirius in for one final chaste kiss. and then without knowing what he was doing he cried out "Remus Lupin!"

And he left, stumbling down the stairs of the garden that led into the forest, the one that connected with his own, leaving a moonstone shoe behind.

--------

when Remus woke up approximately an hour later (the moons were shorter when he was happy) He could remember feeling his paws pound against the forest floor. He could remember smelling home, he could remember only barely ripping out his own skin. Then he woke up, in a different kind of agony, like grieving a loss. Then he remembered the list of chores that had been left for him, that had barely seemed possible when he had an extra 3-5 hours to complete them. groaning he got to work.

Peter showed up, and was only mad at Remus for a little bit before he began trying to clean in his own little way.

finally after centuries, though it had only been two hours, Remus finished and, he tucked away his other moonstone shoe, (that for some reason had not transfigured back) and he fell into his bed and right before he fell asleep he could hear a door downstairs open, and the voices of his family walking in.

----------

Sirius was absolutely miserable it was three in the morning and he had gotten incredibly drunk with James and Peter immediately after badar had left. he didn't know why badar had left, why he cried out Remus Lupin, why he had kissed him so sweetly just to say he'd never see him again.

Sirius threw a pillow against the wall, feeling the impact of the sobering potion he had taken, and rubbed the moonstone shoe, the only thing that was reminding him that badar wasn't in fact a hallucination or a dream.

"James, he was just so perfect-Ijust-IthinkIlove him James,I Love him James and i'll never see him again, did you know there was never a badar io in our little town? He gave a fake name James!"

"what about the other name he gave, have you looked into it."

"What do you mean, other name- OH MERLIN ITS A NAME" A glimmer of hope shone in Sirius's eyes as he ran to the library where he knew there was a magic record of all legal documentation of families in their town. Was it illegal? yeah, but Sirius couldn't think about the morality of that right now, he was in love.

"Remus Lupin, Remus Lupin, Lupin Remus, Lupin Remus, Lupin Lupin Lupin ahA!" he cried out after flipping through pages, finally finding the Lupin line. "Remus, Remus, Remus" wait, that wasn't right, that couldn't be-

Remus Lupin, declared dead at age six, cause unknown signed- signed the entire Lupin family, what was going on, he looked down and saw a little photo and a sharp intake of breath could be heard behind him and honestly he did the same.

"James it-it says he's dead- but- but he felt- felt so- so- so- real" tears began to well in Sirius's eyes "How can he be dead?" but James wasn't paying attention, he was staring at the paper muttering 

"they're worse than I thought I can't believe they would do that,I Can't believe-"

"James what's going on?" Sirius asked, his voice small.

"I guess you deserve to know,-"

James continued " what happens on a full moon?"

"What do you mean what happens on a full moon, James the hell?"

"What happens on a full moon at midnight" something clicked in Sirius's mind though he wasn't quite sure what yet.

"Werewolves but James what-"

"What would a wealthy, respectable family do if they had a son bitten by a werewolf at age six but couldn't kill him?"

"I Mean maybe fake his death and keep him hidden but don't see-HOLY SHIT" James nodded gravely.

"Those bastards, how could they do that to him!!!?!?"

"Before you decide to go charging in, you need to think, you're still the heir to the black family, think of something crazy, ridiculous and plausible that could get you safely into the Lupin household."

"Jamesy my boy, do you even know who you're talking to?" Sirius said with a mischievous grin

------

Sirius woke to the sound of giggling and his sisters running downstairs. 

It was 11 in the morning, they had let the monster sleep him, how nice. He must have done a good job last night at cleaning. Gingerly he climbed down the ladder and stopped one of his sisters, Drizella. 

"Drizella, what's going on? Remus queried. Drizella sniffed

"If you must know, Sirius black has announced he's looking for his true love, and whoever fits the shoe that was left behind by her!"

"Who's ‘her’?"

"Apparently he danced with one maiden and one maiden alone the entire night and she had to leave at midnight but didn't give him a real name and as he ran off, she left behind a moonstone shoe!"

A maiden now, was he? Remus chuckled in his mind and headed back to his room.

As he sat down, he pulled out the moonstone shoe and held it softly against his chest as a reminder of-

Suddenly he heard an outraged squeak to his left and saw his father standing in the trapdoor of the attic, looking royally pissed off, and then he saw the door shut, heard the key lock, all before he could get there

And then he was pounding on the door, splinters in his fists scrapes on his palms and then he heard "he's coming by today, your prince charming, and he will marry one of my daughters and you'll never, ever see him again."

Remus cried out and buried his face in his hands unsure of what to do.

 This time hours went by, and Remus was sure they were hours because he counted every last second. Then he heard a scritching noise under his bed so he looked and out shot Peter, looking concerned as he could be

what'd you do this time to be trapped in here Peter squeaked, horrified.

"I wooed the ever charming Sirius black and that was a no no"

Peter sputtered nonstop, starting and restarting sentences, when at that moment something crashed into Remus's room from the window. 

"What the-" Remus began but was cut off by the new black haired green eyed arrivals

 "Ok so Sirius is down stairs getting ready to slip the shoe on your sisters, he would rather only try you but we didn't count on you being locked up here" wait, was that.... James?

a voice behind them piped up.

"We could try to explode the trapdoor!" Pete added- wait Peter? Remus whipped around and groaned Peter was not a rat, well not at the moment, but he was still Peter. Remus could smell him, could hear the intonations in his voice.

"Animaguses,I Should have bloody known"

James just grinned that classic James grin and continued. "you better hurry,Ithink you're father's gonna try to fight the magic that Sirius placed on the shoe."

"what magic, why would he need magic."

"well, he kind of said... thathewouldmarrywhoevertheshoefit, because they would obviously be the one he danced with all night, and then-" James trailed off, thinking of words.

"-he knew that people would "be dying to get their paws on him maritally," his quote, not mine and so he placed a spell that the shoe would only fit the person it last belonged to but there are ways to overcome a spell and you're fathers attempting them right now also a sacred oath may or may not be involved in the whole 'ill marry whoever the shoe fits' thing."

"if the shoe fits, wear it" Remus muttered under his breath and then louder continued "Okey dokey so we don't have time to unpack all that but first- why this whole finding the feet of my 'princess' thing? if he really wanted to see me couldn't he have just, i don't know, broken down doors to find me or something."

"Always the romantic, Remus" Peter rolled his eyes.

"well, see, he's the heir to the black title, and well as much as he would love to abandon it all, he thinks he has a chance to use all that wealth and influence for good." Remus vaguely remembered Sirius implying something of the sort last night so he nodded, and James continued "so he couldn't just waltz in peoples houses being like 'ayo, are yalls Remus Lupin, lets get funky if you are' and such so thus, the extravagant plan was hatched." Remus laughed, that was just so like Sirius to do that it was ridiculous. 

then at that moment a scream could be heard downstairs. shit

The three of them paled and Sirius and Peter ran over to the trap door, having a heated conversation back and forth about "what could we do" "uh levicorpus" "thats an ankle levitation charm, idiot." "Well maybe it would have levitated the ankle of the trap door and we could have gotten out." Peter hissed back, but Remus was barely paying attention to them.

He was instead, looking out the broken window James had crashed in on. realizing what must be done, Remus stepped on the window sill, and jumped.

To be honest, Remus had never tried to jump from 3 stories before but he could do 2, so what was one entire story difference? A lot apparently as he landed on his ankle with a thud, there was only so much a non moon werewolf could do.

Not letting it deter him and ignoring the confused cries from James and Sirius, Remus ran around to the front door.

when he finally arrived he could hear muffled sobs from Anastasia and his father's cold, uncaring voice. Not wasting another second Remus flung open the door, rage in his face. 

Remus gasped as he entered the room, seeing the pile of blood at Anastasia's feet, seeing Drizellas shocked expression that she was next, seeing his father's frigid and determined expression, and his mother's sickly face that looked like she was regretting many things. Lyall had cut off her toes to fit the shoe. The bastard. 

tired, ageless rage filled Remus and he was about to make good use of his werewolf wandless magic but stopped when he saw Sirius's confused, terrified, and admittedly freaked out face about the whole toe thing turn into one of relief and unmitigated joy. That stopped Remus cold in his tracks.

No, he'd made it this far in life with being a werewolf without killing anyone,no, he'd made it this far in life without being a monster and he wasn't about to change that now. Remus waved his hand and Drizella gasped as Anastasia's toes stitched themselves to her foot. Then he pointed his index finger at lyall.

His father was flung against the wall, pinned by an invisible  force. Remus stepped forward coldly. He thought of everything he felt for Peter, Sirius, and even James, the meddling bastard. He thought of how it felt to be in Sirius's arms, how it felt to have them taken away and any lingering doubts disappeared.

"I am more human than you will ever be" Remus hissed and with that he dropped him, leaving him gasping for air.

Sirius recognized his cue and got on one knee, presenting the no longer blood covered shoe, thanks to a quick cleaning charm. 

"hey Remus, sorry about all this."

"it's dramatic and gaudy and undeniably you,I wouldn't have it any other way."

Sirius grinned at this, and said "you know,I don't think you should ever consider a future in fortune telling, you said I would never see you again, and look where we are."

Remus's voice cracked "you have no idea how glad I am I was wrong." he whispered.

Sirius gestured to the shoe and Remus's scratched up bare feet, "may i" he asked nervously.

Remus slipped his foot into the shoe cautiously and then there was bright blinding light emerging from the shoe and then all at once it stopped.

Remus was standing in the suit he had been wearing the night before and so was Sirius.

Unable to help it, he flung into Sirius's open arms, needing to reacquaint himself with the feeling. 

tenderly, Sirius tipped Remus's chin up 

"hi" was all Sirius said, but this time it was Remus who closed the gap.

"hello, my names Remus, soon to be black I think at this point" Sirius beamed at this and said 

"Remus black, I think I rather like that, well at least a lot more than moon moon" he teased, Remus laughed 

"I panicked ok?"

"and so your instinct was just 'moons'? I'll have to keep that in mind in case I ever spring anything on you. 'hey babe can you do the dishes' 'uh hi my names esmeray ophelia'"

"ah, resorted to the dishwasher,I take it my fortune telling career did not go so well."

"Nope, i'm afraid it didn't, but it's so nice that you have an incredibly wealthy boyfriend/fiance/husband thing, how nice is that."

"Yes I am eternally grateful for my sugar daddy, my glucose guardian, my carbohydrate caretaker, my sucrose sweetheart-" Sirius laughed, and put his hands up in defeat

"you win, you win" 

and Remus thought of all that he had gained in a matter of a day, his humanity, the love of his life, friends that were actually human (that part was rather weird and he was still reeling) and an escape from his family.

"Yes I rather think I did" and closed the distance once more

[seblore]

everyday i wake up and you still havent posted your evermore rant </3

there u go boo 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩

GDBDNSKDJHHDDNDS GIRL................ ok so i very cleverly avoided ranking folklore because every song REALLY HIT and the whole album was just SO.. SO.. yeah. i can however rank miss evermore. i dont want to compare the two album i do not get the point in that. both give off really different vibes. now what i will say is with folklore, AS AN ALBUM, it is just a master masterpiece. The songs flowed amazingly with each other and really held you close the entire first listen. at least thats what I felt like <3 with evermore however, the individual songs are OMG!!! THERE IS LITERALLY NO SONG I DONT LIKE FROM ANY OF THE TWO ALBUMS. but as an album on the first listen i did feel a bit disconnected from evermore which didnt happen to me with folklore. why i think that might’ve happened is BECAUSE taylor is just so brilliant m8.... the MASSIVE contrasting emotions between the songs was too much for my little brain to handle.

Ok so now that’s out of the way dhsjsk time for rankings :) i have no idea where im going to put each song im just going to make it up as we go <3 ill ALSO give you my fave lyrics from each if I remember it <333 (oh and also you’ll notice marjorie isnt here. im sorry but i never listened to it after the first listen because it hits a little too close to home and i dont want to unpack all of that now im sorry! it is a beautiful song)

14. Closure: she popped off <3 she really said dont treat me like a situation that needs to be handled 💃🤙💯 a beautiful song with beautiful lyrics HOWEVER its the first song i couldnt connect with thus it’s down here BUT I STILL WOULD LISTEN TO IT ON REPEAT THO... the last in my ranking but still fucks 🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️ thats taylor swift 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩

13. long story short: i have never been in a relationship ever BUT GODDAMN ‘pushed from the precipice, clung to the nearest lips’ hdjsksksjjddjnBbdns jddd ubebs!:!?:?:$3&39383$hzjs WOAH.... and this bitch really summarized the full 2016 drama with long story short it was a bad time. HILARITY. yeah not much to say here tho this is just the ‘at least one mandatory song to shake your tits to on each ts album’ song of evermore <3 and always remember that if the shoe fits walk in it TILL YOUR HIGH HEELS BREAK WOOH ANDIFELLDOWNTHEPEDESTALRIGHTDOWNTHERA—

12: dorothea: making a lark of misery :D RENt free. i had to listen to ‘if youre tired of being known for who you know you know youll always know me’ 113 times to finally understand it tho 😐 some of us are stupid and illiterate have you ever thought about that miss swift???? anyways TINGTINGTINGINGINGING THE STARS IN YOUR EYES SHINED BRIGHTER IN TUPELO <33333 such an innocent feel good song I LOVE!!!!!

11. ivy: the goddamn here and the hush of mirrorball ARE THE REASON IM STILL ALIVE 😽 another lyrical masterclass <3 ‘id live and die for moments that we stole on begged and borrowed time’ IS2G!!!!!!!!!!! anyways what if you cheated on your husband with me and i cheated on my husband with you and my pain fit in the palm of your freezing hands 😳 JK JK 😅 unless...... 🤪😏 hdjsks yeah this song is magnificently cursed and i am in love with it 🧎‍♀️

10. tis the damn season: this song is august but the other side of the coin. august but four months later. AUGUST SLIPPED AWAY LIKE A BOTTLE OF WINE- THE HOLIDAYS LINGER LIKE A BAD PERFUMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE... she sounds so pretty goshhh! ‘time flies messy as the mud on your truck tires NOW IM MISSING YOUR SMILE hear me out we could just ride around and the road not taken looks real good now’ is on repeat in my mind. and as always the bridge ::::::::::::::.............:::::::::::::: how does she do this everytime. ‘and wonder about the only soul who can tell which smiles im faking’ 🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️ after every ts song i listen my expectations about true love grows exponentially and my chances of finding true love falls exponentially simultaneously ADIEU.

9. willow: she really took the invisible string quartet and put it in huh..................... FUCKED IN THE HEADDDDDDDDDDDDDD. what can i say <3 its just such a pretty song <3 hashtag gorgeous hashtag i cant say anything to its face. WRECK MY PLANS!!!!!! WRECK IT BITCH!!! ‘wait for the signal and ill meet you after dark’ LOVE STORY WHIPLASH. also mate i cant even focus on the song she looks SO GOOD in the music video i—

8. happiness: !!!! what can i say.... one of the best songs of the album hands down. lyrical masterpiece AND musically rich. she really logged into tumblr dot com and typed out ‘THERE’LL BE HAPPINESS AFTER YOU’ AND ‘THERE WAS HAPPINESS BECAUSE OF YOU’ ARE IDEAS THAT CAN COEXIST and logged off...... h8 her and her insanity. the one word i have to describe this song is: picturesque. tis a picturesque song <3 oh and dfbhhffcbhDDVHHTRSDVJK when i heard ‘i hope she’ll be a beautiful fool who takes my spot next to you’ i audibly GASPED and then she says ‘no i didnt mean that sorry i cant see facts through all of my fury’................. i fell out of my chair. IT FELT LIKE AS IF SHE HEARD MY GASP AND TOLD ME SPECIFICALLY THAT NO SHE DIDNT MEAN IT LIKE THAT... anyways yeah. ill write an article one day named THE SWIFT DECEPTION OF TAYLOR about how she keeps writing songs with deceptive titles and this will be the opening case 😈🤙 also the fact that this is one of my faves and i put it in number 8 says a lot......

7. evermore: i havent recovered from ‘motion capture. put me in a bad light’. i mean come on the whole goddamn song is a lyrical masterpiece. ‘writing letters addressed to the fire’. IS SHE OK!????????????? i think tf not. beautiful song beautiful arrangement. iver sounded really good too. and lol lol rofl WOOFWOOFbarkbark ‘HEY DECEMBER GUESS IM FEELING UNMOORED’ unmoored definition from google dot com: no longer attached. she doesn’t go back to december anymore. about2 faint oml. long story short: i did not survive. THIS PAIN WOULD BE FOR EVERMORE........ what i felt with this song is that she took the quarantine sadness we all felt at least once this year and made it into a masterpiece of a song. couldve been easily the top song on any album except this. no i will not elaborate <3

6. no body no crime: i cannot believe. she teased us with a musical number. this woman teased us with. a musical number. I THINK SHE IS WRITING A MUSICAL BUT I JUST CANT PROVE IT! when she wins that tony 16 years later call me prophetic xoxo. anyways yeah she literally wrote this to flex her storytelling abilities. send tweet 🐥

5. cowboy like me: YEEEHAWWW I’LL BE HONEST WITH YOU I DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT THE FULL SONG SOUNDS LIKE I JUST HAVE THE BRIDGE ON REPEAT!!!! OMFG!!! the skeletons in both our closets plotted hard to fuck this up. AAAA!! ??? STFU. IM NOT EVEN TALKING ABOUT THE LYRICS MATE THE WAY ITS SUNG!!!!!!! GUT WRENCHING! the best bridge she has ever written musically. i cant stop listening to it. REALLYYY DID BELIEEEVE I WAS THE ONEEE. STORIESSS ABOUT WHEEEN YOU PASSSEDDD THROUGHH TOWN. y e l l. and then she hits me with ‘now you hang from my lips like the gardens of babylon.’ L ???? M !!!!! A $$$$$ O “”””” i had to pause it and sit there for 10 minutes to take in what i had just heard. case closed critical hit sustained yeedhawd.

4. tolerate it: i cried. the only reason it’s not 1 is because it hurt me too much. WHAT THE FUCK YOU MF YOU ASSUME IM FINE BUT WYD IF I BREAK FREE AND LEAVE US IN THE RUINS???? TOOK THIS DAGGER IN ME AND REMOV— m8 this physically hurts me everytime. if its all in my head TELL ME RN. aghhh aRghhhhhhh. pain. and lol she broke down sleep to its bare essentials ‘breathing with your eyes closed’.

3. ??? coney island: i know it’s a bit of a controversial top three but WHO CARES 🕴this is solely here for ‘AND IM SITTING ON A BENCH IN CONEY ISLAND wondering where did my BABYy GO’ im shaking. my bed is shaking. my body is shaking. my pupils are shaking. THE WAY SHE SINGS IT OH MY GOODNESS ME i have to lie down gimme a sec. ‘and if this is the long haul howd we get here so soon 😟’ SCREAM. and when i was hearing it for the first time and she said ‘sorry for not making you my centerfold’ i was like yeah and?? so what?? and then she hits me with ‘over and over’...... so she didnt make him/her/them her centerfold over and over !!!!!!! she is sorry she didnt do it over and over!!!!!! mannn.... the chorus.. i shall not speak. i am held at gunpoint i CANNOT SPEAK. the bridge tho dhdnsksksjsb I CAN SPEAK AND I SHALL SPEAK. BITCH WENT OFFFFFFFF. <3 this is the apology she deserved from her exes which she never got so she wrote it herself. podium. grey skies. birthday cake. ACCIDENT. im laughingggggggggggg <///3 and yeah so overall it is a really yummy song with yummy vocals and yummy arrangement 9/10 would recommend. also!! life lessons kids life lessons. disappointments? SIMPLY CLOSE YOUR EYES AND PRETEND YOU DO NOT SEE IT YAAAAAAAAAS

2. gold rush: ETHEREAL!!!!!! The last time i felt like this™️ whilst listening to a song was with mirrorball <3 the production of this song omg omg omg LOVE 💃 but what propelled it to number two status was the ‘i dont like slow motion double vision in ROSE BLUSH/ i dont like that falling feels like flying till the BONE CRUSH’ imagine how fucked in the head a person needs to be to rhyme rose blush with bone crush. yeah i have nothing more to say really this song is extremely gorgeous and ‘eyes like sinking ships on water so inviting i almost jumped in’ / ‘walk past quick brush’ ?:!:!&:8483 F A V E <33333 and the transition transmission transfusion from ‘... gray old tea cuz itll never be ᵍˡᵉᵃᵃᵃᵃᵐⁱⁿᵍ ᵗʷⁱⁿᵏˡⁱⁿᵍᵍᵍᵍ’ MADAME

1. champagne problems: are we surprised? ARE WE REALLY SURPRISED? when listening to new albums i normally listen to it at one go in order. i stick to that rule. HOWEVER after many years of my solid album listening self made rule tm i finally broke and immediately replayed this mf song after listening to it once. ‘you had a speech, youre speechless/ love slipped beyond your reaches’???? stfu???? VILE. PUNISHABLE. DEROGATORY. and welp the entire bridge ...... .... ........... what can i say. And the parallels to miss all too well??? WHAT WAS THE REASON???? your SISTER splashed out on the bottle- left my scarf there at your SISTER’s house 😐 she’ll patch up your tapestry that i SHRED- maybe this thing was a masterpiece till you TORE it all up 😐 your MOM’s ring in your pocket- your MOTHER’s telling stories bout you on the tee ball team 😐 November flush and your FLANNEL cure- PLAID shirt days and nights when you made me your own 😐 wHAT A SHAME SHE IS FUCKED IN THE HEAD IS2G........... and also why would she not rhyme POCKET with LOCKET?????? why with wallet???????????? slant rhyme why????????????? AND THE NOTE THIS MF SONG ENDS ON..... FUCKED IN THE HEAD

THATS IT. i really sat here and did this for the past 2 hours huh...... hhdjsms anyways LONG STORY SHORT: I HATE ONE INSANE WOMAN AND HER NAME IS TAYLOR ALISON SWIFT. GODSPEEED 🏃‍♀️

[golgoterror]

Alright, this is ungodly long, but I just wanted to talk about something regarding Jake. 

A lot of this fandom -- at least, from what I’ve seen -- label Jake as stupid. Some may even say Jake and smart are antonyms. This could not be further from the truth. It almost irritates me how much the fandom places this mischaracterization on him. Also, I get to talk about The Lad™ for about ten pages worth of words on Google docs, which is always very, very fun for me.

Well, first things first, let’s talk about the child genius and multi-billionaire polymath that is Jake English.

Puzzle Modus.

Let’s begin with something small. Jake’s modus is of puzzlekind! This is described as:

It's quite a handy modus, allowing you to captchalogue objects of any size, as long as you can fit them all in a finite space by maneuvering the cards around like a big game of Tetris. You like it because it keeps you sharp for solving any puzzles you might find when you go out raiding hallowed tombs, which is never. (x)

He likes puzzles! This is a huge headcanon I absolutely adore that has a basis in the comic: He’s a puzzles guy! This is just sort of a neat little fact about him that I adore to the moon and back. Just the idea of Jake fiddling about with a Rubik’s Cube is kind of adorable.

This is how he goes about doing everything every day of his life. I think that’s just amazing! And incredibly smart of him, I might add.

Skaianet. 

Jake is shown in the credits to take over Skaianet after the game ended. For those unfamiliar, Skaianet made many things for the game, including but not limited to: the interstellar travel we see, transportalizers, the lab by Rose’s house, all Jake’s fancy-schmancy computers, and Sburb itself. In the beta timeline, Grandpa Harley founded Skaianet. In the alpha timeline, Grandma English did. I know Jake didn’t start it up and trying to pass off his alt-timeline self as him is a bit far-fetched at best, but he had the spoons to take it over. I think that speaks volumes for Jake’s intelligence -- this implies, at the very least, he can understand mathematics and physics at a high level. Remind you of someone we already know?

It is also important to note that Jake does, in fact, build the company back from the ground up, because it went to shit before his grandmother died:

GT: Pretty sure her company made a tidy fortune til it went belly up. At least i still have a few of her knickknacks for keepsakes. (x)

So he built an interstellar company back up -- using what his intelligent grandmother had once used -- to being very useful and practical once again. 

As someone with a degree in mathematics and about to finish a degree in physics, I can say this sort of work would for sure require at the very least a decent understanding of quantum mechanics, statistical mechanics, electrodynamics, calculus (vector and differential forms), ordinary and partial differential equations, and perhaps other things like topology. I don’t know about you -- and I’m probably tooting my own horn a bit by saying this -- but I think that’s pretty nifty, if I do say so myself. 

Actor.

Once again, I’m reaching into the credits to show that Jake has become a movie star after the game ends. Memorizing all those lines, slipping into characters... Being an actor is no easy feat. 

( Side note: This leads into my headcanon that Jake can imitate accents and voices on a whim. No more arguing about whether he has a British, American, or Australian accent -- you’re all right! )

And I would like to add he has two jobs! Skaianet and being a movie star! This guy’s a fucking polymath for Christ’s sake.

Reading People.

Let’s start of simple: Brain Ghost Dirk. I can hear the outcries now of Dirk’s powers being the cause for this. And, yes, I can’t ignore Dirk’s influence in this, but Jake’s hope powers were also needed for the projection to come alive. And the fact he was able to make such a startlingly accurate projecting of Dirk in his own mind is astounding -- even BGD himself thinks so!

TT: You could view me as a projection of the real Dirk within your mind, as expressed through all of your thought patterns about him. TT: So I'm kind of a splinter of his corporeal self who happens to live in your awareness. TT: I'm a startlingly close approximation to the real thing, for all intents and purposes. GT: Just how startlingly close are we talking? TT: I'm not going to give you a bogus percentage like the glasses cause that's not my shtick. TT: But pretty damn close. (x)

A very deep understanding of the other is needed for Jake to do this. That is pretty fucking incredible. He can clearly read people really well -- he had a few times where he was cluing in on Jane and Dirk have feelings for him:

TG: its one of those things jane likes about u so much GT: It is? TG: which TG: errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr im not supposed to talk about 2 u evr so nm GT: Talk about what? TG: nope GT: You mean how um... GT: Well a way in which i suppose... TG: no nope GT: Jane is prone to looking upon me with what i fathom to be more than just friendly affection? (x)

TT: I guess call it an extra birthday present. But instead of a present that's awesome, consider it more like a weird confession that may change the way you feel about me. GT: Whoa uh... GT: Dirk are you... uh... GT: Saying what i think? (x)

He’s not completely clueless on people! In fact, he seems to have a really good understanding of his friends. That’s something a lot of people seem to forget because of the incident that I will be getting to later on.

Fending For Himself.

I’ve already written quite a bit on this, but I’ll sum it up here: Jake is exceptionally good at living in the wild and taking care of himself. Sort of like a wild garden; he doesn’t need to be taken care of. Survival skills, especially around fighting and fending off things, aren’t something everyone has. This, once again, counts in his favour, even if it doesn’t line-up with “book smarts”.

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

That’s five things! It’s clear Jake is, in fact, a polymath and incredibly intelligent. So, what’s with the fandom painting him as being dumb? What’s with people actually thinking he’s stupid? I think we can all take several wild guesses as to why that’s the case.

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Takes things literally.

This is something that plagues Jake quite a lot. Case in point:

GT: Wow like the epic kevin costner film? TT: Almost exactly. Especially by the same degree of shittiness. GT: Oh man does that mean you have to drink your own pee?????? TT: You get used to the taste. Welcome it, even. TT: That takes about 15 days in a row of hard piss drinking though. GT: Ewwwwwwwwwwww no dude. No ew. :( TT: Relax, I don't drink any goddamn piss, ok? GT: Oh ok. Whew. (x)

But, well, let’s address the elephant in the room. The chat I laughed so hard at when I read it the first time due to pure, unadulterated second-hand embarrassment: Jake asking Jane if she had feelings for him.

Let’s analyze this, shall we? Jake starts off by being vague as all Hell, and I’ll spare those details, until finally...

GT: Just come out and say it. Do you fancy me? GG: No! GT: I see. GT: Very well then. GT: Jeez i mustve really misread that one! I feel like kind of a bone head now. (x / x)

Okay, she says no, and he backs off. That’s fine and dand--

GG: No!!!!!! GG: Oh my God, what am I saying here? GG: Jake, I didn't mean it! I didn't want to make you feel that way! GT: Now jane lets not backpedal here. GT: Youve spoken the truth and i greatly appreciate and respect you for that. GT: But now that i think about it you know what? GG: ... GG: No? :( GT: Please dont take this the wrong way but your answer is actually kind of a relief! (x)

... Oh, right. Yeah. It keeps going. It just keeps--

GT: Actually since youve made your feelings apparent and only see me as a friend that makes it a lot easier! GG: Haha, yes! GG: Friends!!!! GT: Maybe you could help me sort out some stuff that has been weighing on me lately? GG: Well what are friends for Jake!!!!! (x)

Sweet Jesus, Jake.

GG: Me? GG: HOO HOO HOO! GG: I'm just GG: Terrific! GG: I'm feeling so... GG: Friendly!!! GG: I clearly just want to be a good friend and bring all my AMAZING FRIENDLINESS to bear on your problems. GG: Friendlystyle! Ahahahah? GG: Shit I mean GG: Ahahahah! GT: Thats aces. Jane youre a sweetheart. (x)

Alright, alright, enough! You all remember the fucking chat. 

Regardless, it’s very apparent Jake takes things at face value. I also will cite him talking to Jane before her birthday, but not list examples, because what happened above will just happen once again. 

Okay, so he takes things at face value. What’s wrong with that? He trusts people to not lie to his face -- to not sugarcoat things or beat around any bushes. Perhaps I’m projecting a bit, but I do the same damn thing. I think a lot of people do! I don’t think reading things as fact over text is a good measure of someone’s intellect. All it does is show he has issues with communication. Okay, so he struggles with one thing. Sue me.

Doesn’t catch things right away.

Yeah okay I’m just gonna dump a few examples of this.

GT: Haha wow. Must have been a hell of a guy. TT: So... TT: You're not making any connections there? GT: Where? Huh? TT: Famous comedian, about the age of your grandma, inheriting the family name of the Baroness... TT: Not ringing a bell? GT: What are you talking about! Dirk stop speaking in riddles and keep telling the story i am on tenterhooks here! TT: Ok, well it's not like it's that important. Just a super obvious thing that'll probably occur to you later when you're looking in the fridge you don't have, at which point you'll feel like an idiot. GT: Oh my god you can be one opaque motherfucker just clue me in bro! TT: Nah, it'll be funnier this way. GT: STRIIIIIIDEEEERRRRRRRR!!!!! TT: Moving on. (x)

GT: Whats going on? TT: Took you long enough to figure it out. TT: Pages really are a slow burning class. Damn. GT: Figure what out! TT: You're asleep. (x)

This leads into the point above. His mind doesn’t work that way -- but that doesn’t mean he’s not intelligent. He needs everything laid out in front of him so he can make the connections and understand what’s happening, but there’s no real harm in this, and it certainly doesn’t dictate whether the guy is “intelligent” or not.

There are many, many more examples in canon depicting Jake as having difficulties with communication and you all can open most of his pesterlogs and probably find one. I’m not going to list anymore. But, hold your horses, I swear I’m getting to a point!

Difficulty reading.

A lot of the media Jake consumes is picture-based. Movies, comics, even the puzzles are most likely spacial and probably not riddles. It’s not far to imagine Jake might not be a terribly good reader, considering nobody was really around to make him read. Of course, his grandmother was around when he was little, so he can read -- and he can read just fine. But he probably isn’t very good at it simply from lack of practice. He also has terrible grammar, something Jane picks on him for, so it’s entirely possible that’s a contributing factor. He may just have trouble reading and writing.

Speaking from experience, I have dyslexia. As such, reading and writing are incredibly hard for me. I never read the books in my literature classes -- both in English and French -- but I did get the gist of the books (enough to get a decent mark in the class at least) by watching a movie adaptation of the novel. I don’t think it’s that far-off to think Jake may, indeed, do the same thing.

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

NOTE: This next part is a bit hard for me to write, because I don’t want to vilify any of you. It might not have clued in on anyone or maybe you just saw Jake as a sort of comic relief and meant no harm by it. And I hope shining a light on this will make you all think twice about the guy. However, I can’t really avoid this next part, and I may get a bit emotional in it. Just a bit of a warning.

All of the above points are just me trying to say Jake probably has undiagnosed learning disabilities and perhaps autism. I don’t think I need to go into detail about how those don’t make someone “stupid”. If you think that’s the case, fuck you. I can’t argue with ableists, much less do I actually want to. 

NOTE: I wrote a thing on his speech impediments. That may be of interest too. I don’t really know, but here it is nonetheless.

My take-away message here is: just because someone struggles with socialization or other things doesn’t mean fucking anything in terms of their intelligence. Jake is very clearly smart and has the ability to read people incredibly well -- to the point of making copies of them! Perhaps it’s just a bit easy to underestimate the guy compared to other characters, though.

There are other things that muddy this up a bit, unfortunately.

— — — — ��� — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Trolling.

Jake is such a fucking troll. Jesus shitting Christ, does he get a kick out of acting stupid just to make the other person look silly. Or perhaps even to make himself laugh in the process. Case in point:

uu: I WILL JUST BE YOUR PATRON DUDE. uu: OR MAYBE. YOUR PATRON MANBRO. GT: Sounds pretty gay. uu: WHAT THE HELL IS THAT? GT: Whats what? uu: GAY. WHAT'S GAY YOU IDIOT FUCK. GT: Oh right. GT: Forgive me i forget you arent familiar with all of my earth lingo. GT: Its like... GT: How do i explain. GT: You know. Its a rather old fashioned term for being jolly and festive together. GT: Like "that rollicking time we had scrumming the other eve sure was gay." uu: I SEE. uu: THEN YES. YOU ARE CORRECT. uu: THIS IS GOING TO BE GAY AS HELL. (x)

Look at his goddamn face during this exchange:

That little bastard knows exactly what he’s doing. 

And these aren’t stand-alone events! Jake is very, very silly and will use the fact others see him as stupid to have a little fun. May as well, right? And, in the process, he makes others look pretty damn stupid. 

But sometimes it’s a bit hard to tell when he’s acting stupid against when he’s genuinely not getting something. I think he even fools himself sometimes! So you have to be a bit careful about fake-outs. I’m sure even the other alphas have trouble deducing when he’s doing this -- which only adds to the myth of him actually being “stupid” when viewed on first-glace.

He probably also does this with crushes, purposefully ignoring the signs because he doesn’t want to deal with it or may not believe anyone could like him that way. After all, if he’s wrong, he may think himself to be conceded and having a big head. So, he ignores the signs, thus convincing himself the feelings aren’t there. Then he gets absolutely fucking bamboozled beyond belief to find out they actually do like him. But that’s just a little side-note.

Thinks he’s stupid.

This one is just a bit... Sad. Very sad. Jake genuinely does think he’s stupid. Quite a lot, really. 

GT: I shoulda asked where he fit into the picture if you were raised alone. I can be dumb as a bag of penny candy sometimes. (x)

Just... Man, he’s been called and treated as stupid so many times, he’s at the point where he believes it. If you asked him, he’d say Dirk is a genius, Roxy is always smart and sassy, and Jane is brilliant. (I don’t have a source for that last one but... Come on. She lectures him about grammar. Don’t fuck with me.) But when it comes to himself? He can’t say the same. Of course he then acts that way. He sees himself as a burly adventurer who is also a gentleman and tries to live up to that. No where along those lines does he think he’s intelligent. And that’s just... a little heartbreaking, really, all things considered.

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Can’t believe this blog is just me going, “Wanna see how fast I can talk about Jake?”, and a shit-ton of people all nodding before I talk for six hours straight. Anyway, take-home message is: Jake’s smart. Jake’s very, very smart. He’s also a himbo, but he’s incredibly smart. Just because he has learning disabilities doesn’t mean fuck-all. 

Thank you for coming to my TedTalk. There are drinks and refreshments in the back. Have a safe trip home. Remember to tip your waiters and waitresses. Jesus fuck can I run this gag any harder into the ground? Giving me language was a mistake. No but, really, if you read this whole damn thing, thank you! I hope this was as fun to read as it was to write.

[merlinthoughts]

Season 1 Episode 4 - The Poisoned Chalice

- god fucking dammit here we go again, i'm bloody done with my life and do not, at all, want to see merlin die bc i don't remember anything except that, yeah, he dies and someone has to get off their ass and save the motherfucking day and kiss him

- i realise how much i swear in these posts bc 1. when do i not? 2. i'm emotionally invested 3. i have no other excuse i just like swearing

- AAAND NIMUEHS IN CAMELOT SHE THINKS SHE'S SO SLY WITH HER HEAD THING

- id recognise her in a split second tbfh, she aint subtle

- *heterosexual tension*

- merlins skin be looking so smooth this episode, this boy be wearing lots of Dove

- he looked so excited to be in the banquet, then arthur just fucking slashes him with “not quite” and his hopes and dreams are destroyed

- “wanna see what you’ll be wearing tonight?” arthur says as he's behind the fucking changing curtains, about to get undressed and show merlin his birthday suit

- i honest to god thought that was where he was going, but no, he was just getting something from behind it

- “tonight you’ll be wearing the official ceremonial robes of the servants of camelot” IT'S A FUCKING DRESS ISN'T IT

- aw damn id have preferred a dress

- that smile shared between them was the most adorable scene

- god

- i

- fucking

- love

- their

- smiles 

- sm

- best thing ive ever seen

- i mean… hunty look at that piece of glistening butter beauty

- wow ok back to the episode:

- bros being bros and giving each other a handshake to destroy the mortal enemy pack and put together a family, we stan.

- as if a servant who has only had eye sex with another servant ONCE would trust them enough to say that one of the chalices were poisoned. like??? “ur the only one i could tell” LMAO NO?

- she's a sly fucking dog tfbh

- “if he kills arthur, uthers soul will be broken and camelot will fall” at this rate uther prob wouldn't care if his son dies or not, look at him, he's already mentally broken. he has anxiety and paranoia over magic. child services where u at in the medieval ages?

- i wouldn't believe a word she said, or well, id have believed it was poisoned but id say yeah no damn way you aren't in on it if you know which one it is. bayard wouldn't tell a fucking servant.

- HE'S GONNA SNAP ISN'T HE

- MERLIN FUCKING SNAPPED

- yknow what we say here folks? U DO U MERLIN

- okay i was fine if uther made bayard drink it but like the moment uther said “mmmh… no.” and slowly turned to merlin i think my arteries just crunched together and died so

- “if it is poisoned, he’ll die” HE'S FUCKING SCARED MERLIN WILL PASS AWAY ISN'T HE?

- “it's fine” he says, then starts to fucking choke

- ah fuck he's down

- my boy is down

- FUCK ME SIDEWAYS WITH A CHAINSAW

- ARTHUR CROUCHES NEXT TO HIM LIKE “BB NO”

- lmfao bayard looks so shocked, his face is in disbelief and confusion, he's like who tf done me bad

- arthurs carrying merlin fireman style this is what i live for folks

- did like nobody notice the flower stuck on the inside of the cup? like honestly if you take a sip you’d kinda spot it or perhaps even the person pouring the drinks would have been “is this chamomile tea? no? then what the fuckery-doo is this leaf in here for?” yknow. it's like that scene in Matilda when the angry buff lady completely missed a fucking salamander in her cup when it was the size of her bloody hand. it brings out the same mood honestly

- does gaius have an index for these books or does he just have every page memorised and know exactly what page to go bc I FUCKING NEED THAT it would make bio so much easier if i knew what page it was on instead of looking back and forth from the homework sheet to my textbook, then closing it by accident and having to find the index again for that specific page i need

- arthur wants to fucking go on a life-or-death journey to save merlin i've never been so happy

- this is honestly my favourite episode, like it may be really fucking angsty but i love it so much

- arthur betrays his dad and leaves his room even after being told not to just so he can save a servants life is literally my new moto

- NO IT WON'T LOAD MY NETFLIX IS STUCK ON 99%

- okay so while i'm waiting for my shit to load, i just discovered the new fucking tumblr rule starting dec 17 and i'm like 0.2 inches away from just spamming NSFW pics on here just for laughs

- like hunty, that won't stop people from posting elsewhere or for thinking about sex bc like??? whatchu gonna do tumblr?? get the fbi to erase it from our minds

- i think nOT thot

- watch me get flagged for just using the fucking term “NSFW”

- i'm gonna end up asterisking everything (is asterisking a word? wow it has red under it so like probably not but i just added it to my dictionary so uhh it is now)

- by asterisking i dont mean furry kin shit ew no

- i mean like N*FW, s*x, t*mblr, m*rthur

- god it took me like 20 minutes to calibrate my fucking wifi and fix the connection problem

- wow the stage for the poison increased by 75% in 30 mins, damn

- merlins like like having a conniption on his bed lmao, chanting arthurs name and sweating lot

- do we ever find out how uther gets that scar bc i'm like 100% positive arthur was a little child and swayed his fucking sword too hard just as uther rounded the corner. the sword then collided into his fucking brain and destroyed a good part of his intelligence, targeting especially his morals on how to accept people and how to be a good father

- that’s my theory

- merlin starts talking enchantments in his sleep while gwens watching, and gaius is just there like wtf merlin ur blowing ur cover “oh! gwen!! uhhh sorry. he’s just... in a latin study group in his pastime and has an oral presentation in minutes”

- omg, nimueh, stfu

- i didn't know dinosaurs existed back then, this reptile be whack

- y’know what's funny? ppl thinking dinosaurs didn’t exist. i find creationism very very very intriguing bc how fucking stupid could you be

- that sword throw was faker than my moms tits

- arthur could have done better

- k but like what if merlin’s hand wasn’t under the covers? like he was just throwing that blue ball around right in front of gwen

- can arthur like not hear her? nimuehs literally enchanting the rocks right behind his ear lobes and arthur acts nothing of it until those said rocks collapse and he gasps and suddenly he realises shes evil

- also his fucking hair in this scene looks glorious. perhaps bc it's pushed back rather than his bowl cut, but its doing things to my abdomen

- i thought for a second she was pulling off her mask to say “nimueh” and arthur was gasping bc he only recognised her after her hair was shown, just like in that scene with joker and harvey in the hospital

- OH RIGHT THE SPIDERS I LIKE COMPLETELY FORGOT ABOUT THOSE SONS OF A GUNS

- i’d be dead if those spiders came crawling up to eat me lmfao

- k so nimueh went from :) to >:D in half a second

- i'm smelling up those symbolisms, boys

- watch out pals cause here are some of them:

- merlin is the LIGHT of arthur’s life

- he LIGHTS up the party

- he gives arthur a BRIGHTER future

- he's the GUIDE for his path

- hahhahahaha

- i'm serious when i say i have a huge fear of insects (spiders count in that too, no discrimination) so i'm just putting that there, saying to yall id be fucking terrified

- gaius would be so confused, like we don't see his face here but merlins close-up sweaty concentrated frown, but he’s literally just screaming “ARTHUR!!” “FASTERRR!!” “YESS!!” “CLIMB!!!” gaius would be looking like he walked into something he wasn't supposed to. prob thinking he should just let the kid die so he doesn’t have to deal with this shit anymore

- UTHER LOCKED HIS SON AWAY I'M FUCKING QUESTIONING HIS PARENTING SKILLS

- that's grounding???? throwing ur child in prison???

- yes 999 can i have child services on his ass

- gwens so smart honestly i love her

- pretending to be a maiden for the food, god what a queen

- arthur buying it and saying “yuck you say this is food?! disgustang!”

- the fact that i misspelled disgusting but it autocorrected to disgustang (which is originally what i wanted but autocorrect shouldn’t have known) makes me consider if i should really check my dictionary…. who knows what words are on there

- they’re so smart

- and then this fucker ruins it all while eating his food, checking her out and saying yeah arthurs a prick, hyuck hyuck, realising only that wait fuck u aint the maiden

- how’d they know GWEN was the one not supposed to have delivered the food, what if it was that chick right there???

- welll….. maybe it's because gwen took her sweet time up those steps, staring as if she couldn’t blink at the guards below

- i forget what happens at the end of this episode besides the kiss, and there's like 9 minutes left my fingers may rot at this point

- wake him up! wake him up!

- OH WAIT HE DOESN'T FUCKING WAKE UP DOES HE AND EVERYONE PANICS

- YEAH OKAY I'M SEEING THAT NOW

- MERLIN STOPPED BREATHING

- LMAO GWEN IS IN TEARS

- “HE'S DEAD” SHE SAYS

- ARTHUR BB COME IN HERE TO KISS UR HUBBY ALIVE

- OH WAIT UR IN FUCKING PRISON

- WAIT UP, HE'S ALIVE AND SHE KISSES HIM AFTERWARDS????

- FUCK ME I THOUGHT FOR THE WHOLE EPISODE THE KISS HAPPENED BC HE COULDN'T WAKE UP THAT'S FUCKING WITH ME I DIDN'T KNOW

- i keep forgetting to switch up the cap locks, sorry if it seems im screaming im legit using my inside voice for most of the time just emphasizing my words a little more

- goddamn, everytime they say mercia i just think of “murica”, like those americans on the 7th of july or whatever date the “we love our country” day is, chanting it as they throw around beers and fireworks as people gather round in jerseys or crop tops

- it's not that hard to spot the european on here

- the most celebrated holiday here which contains a lot of beers and big pub gatherings (besides every fucking night honestly) is either new years, lowkey stereotypically correct saint patricks, and ig easter monday but that's more for the kiddos

- i mean ofc christmas and all that shit but im not the most devoted christian, i just like presents and small gatherings among good friends

- wow okay it wasn't the 7th of july

- i mean at first i looked up “USA day” (i couldn’t remember the name) and it popped up today’s date, and i was like no thats not it at all. dec?? its in like july i think. and i was close! it was july 4th.

- uther damn knows it's nimueh!!!

- i mean, he just overheard morgana and arthur talk about it, and initiated himself into a convo about it once morgana left, as his sneaky ass just slithered up like “hey man, u know that woman? yeah uhh, what she say? anything about me? no? k i know who it is tho”

- i thought he was going to apologize or like explain to arthur what's the sitch, but he just waits for five whole seconds before saying. “those who practice magic know only evil. they despise and seek to destroy goodness wherever they find it.”

- arthur, confused: sounds as if you know her

- uther, walking away: i do

- arthur:

- wow k lots of fucking quotes here cause it's the merthur reunion

- get ready babs

- arthur: still alive then?

- merlin: oh yes, just about… i understand i have you to thank for that

- arthur, leaning on the chair merlin is sitting in, stifling a smile: ah it's nothing, a half-decent servant is hard to come by. i was only dropping by to make sure you’re alright… i.... expect you to be back to work tomorrow

- merlin, watching arthur as he slightly walks away having embarrassed himself: arthur... thank you

- arthur, slowly: you too

- they stare for like 5 whole seconds

- arthur, uncomfortable: well… get some rest

- there we go folks: my eulogy.

- hope someone reads it at my funeral

[tumblunni]

Okay the BIG TODAY THING

It seems i might possibly be gone for six months

I've been talking with my support worker about taking a course at this place thats uhh apparantly gonna help me get better with the depressions and stuff. And we had a meeting to go look around the place and make introductions and stuff but i had NO IDEA it would be all such short notice! I might have to move in IN TWO DAYS FROM NOW, what the fuck!!! And like if its not that its gonna be at the end of the week or next tuesday at the latest. Im so fuckin unprepared and im really freakin out!!

..uhh...how to describe it..well i guess its literally a mental asylum? But it's absolutely NOTHING like the horror movie stereotype! Its not a hospital with cages or locked rooms, its just like a big comfy cute shared house. Like a bunch of completely normal small apartment rooms but they just happen to be all connected to a shared kitchen and stuff and have on site nurses and a big schedule of therapy sessions and group activities like pottery class or bowling. You have the freedom to come and go as you please if you're on "voluntarily admitted" status (that's me!) and even if you're on what they call "sectioned" its still not scary loss of all your freedom. The highest level of sectioning is just like "requires an escort"? You're still allowed to go outside but you have a higher level of supervision from your key worker because you could potentially be a danger to yourself. But that's very rare and most people are only on maximum sectioning for a few weeks at the start of their treatment, if they've come straight from a situation of self harm or other concern factors. Most of the "sectioned" patients just have a time limit on how long they can spend on unsupervised outside activity. It's a pretty generous 8 hours apparantly!

So yeah i was getting worried about nothing, thinking i was gonna be in big scary solitary confinement and locked inside a tiny broom closet or jabbed with brain lazers. It honestly just seems like a summer camp resort for adults! And everyone there seems very nice, and im excited for being able to learn life skills like cooking and potential steps towards getting educational qualifications someday. And to have the help of a more specialist support worker who can assist me with even the smallest little problems. Like this nice lady Tazmin (who might be the one i get?) was saying how they've had other people with social anxiety before, and how we could plan "gradual exposure" to all the things that scare me. Like she said she'd be able to come with me and we'd take the bus and them get off at the next stop. That'd honestly be really helpful to help me get over being scared of the crowded spaces on buses, but i'd never be able to do it normally cos i'd be too embarassed taking such a short bus ride. Plus well itd be a waste of money,but if i'm a patient here i would get a free bus pass so it wouldnt be a problem.

Oh and the area seems really nice! Its so different from my stupid house right now in a crowded neighbourhood with NOTHING but houses everywhere for a mile! Its seriously almost a mile's walk to the ONE SINGULAR SHOP IN THE AREA and they close on sundays and dont sell vegetarian food. :( This area around the shared house thingie is a really nice bustling shops place but not super shops? Like i mean its a lovely village that has all the small shops you need, not a huge skyscrapers busy tourist place. The perfect balance of conveinient and not scary! They have a library and a park so close to the place, and a bazillion charity shops holy FUCK im so excited to have charity shops again!! I think you call them thrift shops in america? But i just always really love bargain hunting and finding nice surprises in places like that! And there's places to do pottery classes and group trips sometimes to do stuff like cinema or bowling or just having your big ol scary therapy meeting at the nice coffee shop at the end ot the road.

So yeah dont worry about me guys, im not trapped in some horribke hell place! I'm sure it'll be as non threatening as an Intensive Therapy Boot Camp can possibly be, im just still nervous as hell cos well yeah I Have Social Anxiety And That Is Why I Am Here In The First Place. Im scared im not gonna be able to succeed at this. I really wanna leave at the end and be all mentally buffed up and ready to make all these nice nurses proud!

Oh and man Richard has been so nice about this?? He was super freaked out and apologetic about it being Scary Short Notice, we had a bit of a dumb misunderstanding where he clearly told me and i clearly said yes but i somehow completely misunderstood what he was saying and thought i was saying yes to something else??? So im so fuckin glad that at the very end of the appointment right when i was gonna get out the car he was like 'oh so remember your suitcase on wednesday' and i was like WHAT. Like man can you imagine how much more terrifying it would have been if i just turned up on wednesday with no supplies but the shirt off my back and was like 'wtf where is he driving me OH GOD NO'. Bunni why you so bad at the good of talking!! Seriously richard thanks so much for clearing it up but also AAAAA i accidentally agreed to the shortest of short notice and i dont know if he's gonna be able to reschedule it!!!

And man i was there crying in his car about how i dont wanna be in hospital on my birthday, and babbling all the different things i had planned fot the next few months. And GOD DAMN MY DUMB BRAIN i ended up blurting out that i had a preorder of a videogame that i was gonna miss. And i straight up started explaining pokemon to my mental health counseller who is also a dj, how damn fake does my life sound?? Anyway he said that i'll still be able to keep him as my support worker when i get back out of this, and we'll still have weekly or monthly meetings while i'm in there. And he keeps reminding me that i'm free to leave if i feel uncomfortable, but i know that i'd feel like a failure if i did! So he legit fuckin goddamn said (THIS SOUNDS SO FAKE) that i could take a day off when the dumb game comes out, and he'd play co op pokemon with me. HOLY GEEZUS RICHARD YOU'RE LIKE THAT HOLY GRAIL OF THERAPISTS! And man he even said it wasnt embarassing for me to sleep with a teddy bear and he'd help me pack it up safe and ensure nobody saw it while we move my bags into my new room. And then i was like "uhh but also the teddy bear is a giant lifesize embarassing pokemon merchandise" and he was like "okay so we need DOUBLE STEALTH". Apparantly the new sequel to Pokemon Go is Pokemon Sneak! God he helped calm me down from this freakout so much, he's always great with lil jokes and motivational sayings. And i talked about how i first started being interested in Obscure Deep Sea Slug Facts because pokemon has some characters based on weird real life animals, and like its Very Educational Honest, And Has Appeal For Both Kids And Adults. How on earth did this turn into Motovational Pokemon Blabber Time??? Anyway thats how i ended up texting a professional psychologist pictures of gastrodon at 7.30pm.

SO

Yeah

In summary

I'm mostly just worried cos this is short notice! And cos its such a big commitment that being short notice is Super Bad. I need to friggin clean the whole house top to bottom in two days, so it doesnt get all gross and attract flies while im gone. And i need to toss out like a hundred bucks worth of frozen food that aint gonna keep for 6 months. And i need to wash all my damn clothes. And i dont even have a suitcase and this is at a terrible time where i dont get paid for a week so i cant buy a new one right now!! And damn i DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT TO TAKE AAAAAA

And the BIGGEST PROBLEM

Is that i wont be able to talk to you guys for half a year!!!

They dont have wifi and im not allowed to take my computer anyway. They only allow laptops and all i have is a desktop and AAAA its too short notice to save up enough to get a laptop mannnnn! Fuck man i didnt even think about that, i need to go pause my broadband internet for six months, do they even allow you to come back after that long?? And man part of me wants to ask to borrow money from friends to get a laptop but i know this time i cant promise to pay you back within the month cos AAAGH ALL OF THIS SHIT!! Like damn man if anyone is willing to let me pay back a hundred and fifty quid in 6 months??not bloody likely!! And man the only place to get a laptop in TWO GODDAMN DAYS is stupid fuckin Amazon :( but god im gonna go stir crazy being unable to do art or gamemaking or friggin anything to occupy myself!! I can bring my 3ds but i barely have any games for it and ive already finished all of them except harvest moon a new beginning which i quit cos it was bad. And the screen is broken anyway gahhh. SO MANY THINGS I NEED MONEY FOR IN SUCH A SHORT AMOUNT OF TIME THAT IS NON CONDUCTIVE TO MONEYING

So anyway GAHH i wont have an internet connection in the house, and i'll be able to walk down the hill and use the library computers hopefully at least weekly, but they forbid all social media sites. So like can i get the emails of everyone who wants to keep in contact? Man i dont know how im gonna manage this AAAAA!!! i will send u loads of pics of scenic asylum beauty and dumb updates on my stupid life of probably very little progress.

And AGGGHHH i dont even have the time to plan a blog queue or anything fuck man geez aaaaaaaa

I NEED TO BUY A NEW PAIR OF TROUSERS WITHOUT HOLES IN THE KNEES man i cant live on singular pantage in a shared house

[lilacponds]

Heart for the ask meme

no formatting bc im on mobile sorry!thanks for the ask!!

this gets,,, rly long lets see if i can add a readmore

heart: talk about your crush

okay gosh where do i start? hes a nerd. hes a giant massive nerd, let me tell you that first and foremost. more on that later

where do i start? from the beginning i guess? im a super anxious person, as anyone that knew me for more than 1 minute can tell, but when i met him i was super comfortable w him? i was still anxious as fuck, but also comfortable and happy to be around him. when i went bowling for my birthday i wanted to invite him but i was too anxious bc i was like ‘aaaa we interact sometimes on tumblr but idk if he considers us friends?? would an invite be weird??’ except my friend leo who was driving us and also introduced us got me and asked him for me and the pure joy on my birthday, man. there were also a couple other ppl, and everyone was fun, but like, when the 3 ppl we were with got up to get drinks i stayed at the table w him and my brain was like okay i mean im keeping him company right? WRONG i just loved listening to him talk. i still do. a lot. and while we were bowling we were talking and i just naturally hanged around him while waiting for our turns and aaaaa. (i came last place and he came fourth and we shared the pain of losing.) we played games afterwards and he kicked my ass at like, air hockey? is that the name? we did like two or three games and he absolutely destroyed me but i had fun. we also played ddr! we both terribly wanted to play it and i was like “oh my god YES you understand me”. i absolutely sucked at that too but also like, i dont like doing any kind of exercising for physical activity in front of other ppl because im super selfconscious but also i sweat a lot dancing and i was awful, but i was absolutely comfortable since i was playing w him. i had a lot of fun.

we started meeting up for dnd sessions and hanging out irl more and chatting more often and look where we are now. im so happy

SO that was talking abt him as in irl and stuff, but i havent actually talked ABT him so hold onto ur seats.

hes absolutely amazing. hes smart and brilliant, hardworking, hes studying to become an astrophysicist and if anyone can do it its him! hes p much top of his class, his teachers all love him esp bc his classmates are a buncha rich spoiled kids that dont rly seem to try that hard and not all even know the rules of grammar and logic, but even outside of what his classmates are like he absolutely deserves the praise and recognition. hes amazing. hes clever and hes also funny as heck, everytime we have a dnd session he makes me die one way or the other man, the pearls he comes up with. in one of our dnd groups hes also the only one with a pinch of sense and logic, esp in our old dnd group… i love leo and like his sister, but man. and i absolutely despise luca so nbd hes a goddamn idiot. so like, dylans my saving grace to not go crazy

hes so sweet and thoughtful? hes too sweet to me. and he says he isnt sweet in general just sweet to me and i melt. and hes so respectful and hes so helpful, when im rly anxious about something he helps me out a lot and he remembers stuff thats important to me sometimes even if i mentioned it just a couple times offhandedly and he thinks about me and helps me and aaaaaa im so lucky

hes so charming???? and he denies it as he denies that hes good at flirting but he flirts so well and he speaks french to me and i die. i just get so red and i hide my face in the nearest thing - my hands, a pillow, the goddamn wall - and try not to squeal. he uses pet names for me that make my heart skip a beat and hes just so chill and charismatic. i have butterflies in my stomach and any time we hang out or go on a date im all excited and giddy. i die when he speaks french, the other day we were in the bookstore and he opened a french book and read to me a bit and i had to physically take the book and put it back because he killed me. im dead. i love when he speaks french

hes such a nerd!!!! he names his devices and he names them and stuff after constellation bc hes a space nerd, and a sea nerd, and anytime he talks abt either (or othee stuff hes passionate about) hes so alive, i could sit down and listen to him talk for the rest of my life. plus his eyes sparkle then!!

okay i need a new paragraph for his eyes. they sparkle when hes passionate and its amazing. i thought that was a fiction thing!! i never actually saw it irl!! until i met him!! and his eyes sparkle and its breathtaking. and his eyes are just so pretty. theyre brown and theyre amazing. plus like. we hung out over the summer too okay and there was this one night where we were eating food on a bench and the sun was going down and i was looking at him as we talked and i saw the glint of the lampposts and the lights of the shops and a hint of the sunrise all in his eyes and i had to force myself to focus on our words bc its fuckin cheesy but i was getting lost in his eyes.

his laugh is amazing and it fills my heart. anytime he laughs im happy, and when I make him laugh its the best thing in the world, i feel blessed and lucky. his smile is radiant and its a wonderful sight, and i like buying and offering him stuff because making him happy is gr8 and i feel fulfilled when i do.

hes also hella athletic. like he has no regards for danger and apparently a lotta fuckin pain tolerance and sometimes im hella worried about stuff but on the bright side hes like… spiderman. one day we were on the rocks at the pier and since im not rly athletic and also kinda scared he leant down a little and looked at the best easiest path so i wouldnt have a hard time and he absolutely did a spiderman pose. (plus ANY time we go on the rocks, he makes sure i want to, and he looks for the best way so it wont be too difficult for me and he asks me if its okay for me and just generally makes sure its gonna be easy and fun for me too, plus he holds my hand and helps me out too and its just an amazing time in general.) i forgot what i was saying. OKAY YEAH hes good at athletic stuff and hes done a buncha sports and he does karate and hes rly good and whenever he shows me smth i die bc im rly pan and somehow seeing him do karate is rly attractive???? altho like. hes a strong boy and i have a weakness for strong ppl, man. (one of the first times we hung out he told me a buncha cool stories of his past where he kicked the ass of some assholes and then later he texted me and he was? worried he scared me??? and i was just sitting there like i have Never been more attracted to someone)

also hes adorable with his cat. like his cat is an absolute cutie obvs but put together theyre killing me. whenever he sents a pic w the two of them its beautiful but also i love when i go over and he cuddles her or plays with her or babytalks to her because hes so cute theyre so cute its the most adorable sight aaaaaaaAAAAAA MY HEART

okay im cutting this off here oops thANKS AGAIN

[thenightisland]

you know the drill:

this is becoming like its own series but idk how else to explain this awful year i don’t even feeling like properly linking so here’s just the URLs of the other ones in the series: 1. http://thenightisland.tumblr.com/post/161087786689/explanationsupdates-under-the-cutmore-i 2. http://thenightisland.tumblr.com/post/161920216354/additional-updatesexplanations-under-the-cut 3. http://thenightisland.tumblr.com/post/163767959805/updates-under-the-cutmore-post-one-post-two-on 4. http://thenightisland.tumblr.com/post/164398486219/on-the-fourth-edition-of-what-the-fuck-is

one of the assessors got jumped a while back. she was just walking past a pt in the main assessment dept and he jumped up, punched her in the back of the head, took her to the ground and beat the fuck out of her. she was out for weeks and weeks and had broken facial bones. i can’t believe she didn’t quit.

our nurse executive quit though. not like, went prn or gave two weeks notice, like just straight up was like I’M DONE and walked out which honestly is the closest i’ve ever come to respecting him.

while having more psychologically unstable pts isn’t new, having more medically unstable pts has been a problem lately. like our crash cart is not like a medical hospital’s crash cart it’s like. an ambu bag some iv supplies and a stethoscope no lifesaving medications. when a pt has a medical issue we send them out to a medical hospital because obv we don’t have the resources to treat complex medical issues where we work. which didn’t used to be an issue because you’d used to see maybe two medical codes a year on my unit. we’ve had /ten/ since my last update post /just on my shift/. two of which weren’t even “pt is going downhill fast” codes they were “pt has no heartbeat and isn’t breathing” like we had to fucking bring two people back from the goddamn dead /within ten minutes of each other/. we’re all like we’re psych nurses man if we wanted to do this shit we’d work er. [and the er we’re required to send these pts to is awful like they sent us back a guy who had almost died twice in three days who had an /untreated brain tumor/ bc obv he’s totally fine]. or we’ve been doing mash unit style medicine like the suicidal kid with partial thickness burns all over his chest and neck that literally no one was doing anything about. we were debriding burns with a mixture of different PO IM and SQ drugs to achieve the same effect as IV morphine because debriding is extremely painful but not doing it will just make things worse and no one else seemed to care so we just fucking did it. like we’ve done so much medical nursing lately. like the one with the uncontrolled severe seizures that led to the medical hospital labeling her first break schizophrenia despite no family history of mental illness but /five different medical issues that all cause psychosis/. or the one they let on the unit despite being on the do not readmit who has untreated hiv that he actively tries to give to other people and /active tuberculosis/. or the one with the aneurysm. or the one with severe CHF. and on and on and on. and remember: we’re not the most medically unstable unit in the hospital because we have a 40 bed /geriatric psych unit/ so you can imagine the kind of pts /they’re/ getting. on the plus side, all of our ten odd codes lived.

my personal life is still a goddamn mess, of course, but that’s a given. don’t even know where to begin with all that. and i can’t talk about a lot of it which makes it that much more fun.

i had an entire crisis about the odyssey [which tbh is still kind of going on even after /weeks/] because i’m getting so cagey in memphis because i fucking hate this town. and i just got back from new orleans which is the closest thing i have to an ithaca at the moment and it killed me to come back to this fucking city.

i’m also really paranoid right now because after i come back from vacations, something terrible always happens and i’m not exaggerating it’s like clockwork to the point that the bad things have all happened between friday and sunday after i’ve returned from my vacation, each time, without fail. well that would be this weekend so i am just waiting to see what great horrors await me this goddamn time. [last time, it was the whole coworker killed in vehicular homicide thing]. but i guess paranoia isn’t the right word. you’re only paranoid if you’re wrong, and my life has already set the precedent. so i guess anxious is the better word.

the anxiety is increased given that my mother has been out of work all week because they’ve had trouble regulating her blood sugar and so she’s been really sick and even said so herself she’ll probably end up in the er over the weekend because she doesn’t think she can make it till her next doc appt because she’s miserable, and she’s already been in the er once when this weird shit started happening a month or so ago so the Vacation Curse has me even more concerned than usual, which is saying something. 

there’s a new psych doc working now and everyone is really unsettled by him and we’re pretty sure he’s a genuine psychopath like completely without exaggeration and he’s already done a lot of really creepy things to/with staff members and one nurse said in passing “i’ve known a lot of doctors like him he’ll end up fucking a pt at some point” which we initially left to hyperbole but he’s been doing shit like transporting female pts to other units without the staff’s consent in his own car which is like all kinds of not allowed, and the way he talks to some of the staff is just downright rapey honestly. and so we had a rough case this summer who, through the combined efforts of my squad, we got her from a diagnosis of intellectual disability with schizophrenia, nonverbal, self harming all the time, history of physical and sexual abuse, constantly in restraints and on a 1:1 obs level to a new diagnosis of autism spec with ptsd because her “hallucinations” were /flashbacks/ and she ended up very social and verbose and like fucking read william blake for fun and had a great sense of humor and was off all special observations and had a transfer to another facility pending so she could get more 1:1 long term therapy, and the creepy doctor was covering her case while her actual doc was out of town and he rode all the way to the other hospital with her which is another thing you do not do, and we found out from a coworker that she is now a /2:1/ [two staff members within arm’s reach 24/7], self harming again, in full shutdown/meltdown mode, and nonverbal. and it was such a rapid deterioration that all of us lost sleep over the possibility that this creepy doctor might have done something because even after she was at the other hospital and therefore no longer our pt, /he kept going to see her/. which fucked us up a lot because we were the ones who worked so hard for so long with her. like even the thought of it.

recently had 25th birthday so naturally had a crisis about that because i’d always said my goal was to be out of memphis by 25 and yet here we are. 

another of our fave pts, esp one of /my/ fave pts, died out of literally nowhere. the day before my birthday. so that was great.

also felt really surreal to see the news about the convictions in the holly bobo case, which i found out about when one of my coworkers was reading the news on his phone during a lull one night i forgot that to him and everyone else it’s a national news story [hell it even has its own wikpedia page] but to me it’s just /holly/ because she was /in the class above me in our nursing program/. my first semester in college i remember seeing her face on missing posters on every building on campus. so it was really a weird moment of dissociation for me. glad the motherfucker was found guilty on all charges, obv. 

the tech of mine who got his skull slammed into the floor, the one who’s been out with what can only be called severe psychological trauma, is supposed to be coming back the third week in october. which i just. i mean i’m glad because he’s one of our best guys, but i’m also like /why the fuck would he come back/ because he could be a fucking english professor again. motherfucker spent part of his youth growing up in italy and montreal, lived on the west coast for years, /was/ a college professor, did time as a script doctor in LA, and was a fucking thriller novelist who just gone girled himself for whatever reason and ended up working with us. there’s literally a reddit thread asking if anyone knows what happened to him and i want to be like don’t worry it’s fine he works with me. but so we’re like why would you come back to this place after what happened to you when you have so many other options available to you????? what are you running from that makes you so desperate to keep centering your life around a locked acute psych ward???? why did you gone girl yourself to begin with??? like he was screwed up enough there for a while that he wasn’t even answering his calls or texts and our boss had to send the police to do welfare checks on him because he lives alone so it’s like man why not go back to the life you had before and /get away from all of this/ it’s not like my situation where i’d rather be living a different life but have never done so, he already has the foundation because he’s already lived a different life he has an in that i don’t have and i can’t for the life of me figure out why he thinks working as an acute pysch tech is the better option. 

but i mean. we /do/ call our unit the hotel california for a reason.

[hyun-seong]

Hey I can see you’re alive lol. Have your days been alright like better than before? You can ask me anything and I’ll tell you what I have been doing. I just got out of ‘long’ shower and noticed you when I open the app. Tbh I’ve been feeling depressed and like there’s no one who could help me get distracted and make me laugh since last month otl. Well there was my best friends but something happen so yeah. I’ve been feeling tired of living this world for four years haha. It okay because (1/2)

 It’s okay since I have some male groups I like and help me forget living this world just little bit 

TW SUicide on this one fellas

MY DAYS have been a little better, my mom gets more and more healed every day even if its slow or a little bit, I am tired because I have to irrigate her tubing every six hours aND IM BAD AT SLEEPING so i lose time not sleeping and then trying to sleep but my body is adjusting so thats good lmao I WAS ACTUALLY doing really badly until last night if im being honest, the stress was getting to me and i was angry that not only did i have to do this mostly by myself but that i also had to deal with my grandmother breathing down my back PRETENDING to help, i was changing her stoma bag and I was taught how to do this, she wasnt, she really had no business trying to dictate what to do and she didnt know what half the things i was doing were for so im trying basically to add binding powder in the area between her skin and her intestine and im about to pour it in and shes like “Dont do that yet” and like tries to dislodge something that just...isnt ready to come out...AND I WAS THINKING IN MY HEAD...MCSCUSE ME BITCH THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW....IF YOU WANTED TO be in the way so bad why didnt you learn from one of the nurses who was like ALWAYS in there you blew your chance....and then my poor mother was saying how she felt so bad i had to do this and i was trying to tell her look youre my mother i really dont mind and im trying to console her and my grandma cuts me off to tell her that she doesnt mind like WHAT....WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DONT MIND?? WHAT DO YOU DO BUT LAUNDRY EVERY SO OFTEN?? TF??? SHE WASNT TALKING TO YOU.....LEAVE....god i was livid....and then the home nurse who comes every three days to change her bandages was supposed to arrive at 7pm so 6pm comes around and my grandma is like trying to find her business card to call and bother her and im like?? wait until 7 and call if she doesnt show?? and shes like BUT SHE SAID...SHED CALL AND CONFIRM...and my dads like “mom just wait for a bit” and she goes like “OH OK i wont call, I guess im the only one who CARES” and im like WHAT THE FUCK....................... and hes just like “she said shes coming at 7 and would call if she needed to go at a different time” and that shut her up....the gall....the goddamn gall...the sheer audacity......to imply i dont care.....when the bags under my eyes have BAGS and she sleeps a solid 12 hours a night LIKE SORRY I HAVE FAITH IN A PAID PROFESSIONAL...

BUUUT in the middle of the night my boyfriend sends me a message (THIS IS BG INFO PLEASE FEEL FREE TO SKIP UNTIL YOU SEE !!!!!!!!!!!!! IF U WANT) and as you might know hes been living in Seattle since august but flew down for a month to be here during my moms surgery, so hes been saying stuff like oh we can do this, lets do this, or we will do this next time AND STUFF like that and im thinking to myself when the fuck do you think we have the time to do this stuff you have to go back at the end of the month.....but it was nice to hear so i didnt challenge the statements hahaha because it was hard since we met in may 2016  but IT FEELS LIKE...A CENTURY ive known him.  I remember like a couple months ago he was like man i cant believe its already been two years AND IM LIKE IT HASNT...IT REALLY HASNT.........ITS NOT EVEN 1.5.....and we were both like..........what the fuck??? and its because...we never got to do the fun things, we met, had a good few dates and then Life Happened™ the way it tends to about 5 months after we met, and he said basically I have to move to Seattle because I am inheriting a restaurant and I don’t think there’s ever going to be a person like you again and i wanted to ask you to be my girlfriend and was waiting for the right time and i think i should start fresh and you should find someone who can give you the time you deserve, it sounded like a sacrifice and it was ridiculous to me because time with anyone else met nothing to me, it wasnt what i wanted, and i cried for DAYS just nonstop crying, and I always thought movies were overreacting but it feels like you’re legitimately dying, and to me it hurt worse because he liked me, it would have hurt less if he just didnt like me, that I could get over, but youre always taught love prevails so it felt like such a blindside when it doesn’t, but there was something in me, this nagging feeling like I am not going to leave him alone, LIKE IF HE STOPS ANSWERING my texts messages I will respect that IM NOT GOING TO BE LIKE...........STAY WITH ME IF U DONT WANT TO..... but I will pull for him as long as I can because thats what i felt was right, and not to toot my own horn but im not usually wrong when my brain nags me about something

so 2017 starts and i invite him every possible place I can, he took forever to reply to my texts but he would....eventually....we spent our birthdays together, we went thrift shopping, went to the zoo, and i never touched him but to shake his hand goodbye until my birthday where he held his arms out to hug me. The zoo was the last time I saw him before he moved and this was August 2017 and we were watching the gorillas and i love apes and monkeys haha so we were sitting on the bench in the back cos i had to be there for a bit and he held his hand out for me to hold it and i was so happy sitting there looking at apes holding his hand and i felt him squeeze it, I don’t know if he knew I’d notice but I did, and I thought to myself “I would die for this” because it was the only thing I stood to lose in this world and I would let it kill me

SO HE moves at the end of August and since he took so long moving the restaurant with to his other aunt and im a miserable son of a bitch and the whole time im concocting a plan to make it work but im not allowed where hes staying because im white so IM NOT WELCOME LOL....and he wasnt being paid for his work so its not like we could rent somewhere and i have a bad income myself lol it just seemed so impossible, and he said im so sorry i had been distant to you for that time, the idea of being away from you hurt so much and i knew in the end i would be separated from you and nothing was going to change it but you showed since day one unconditional love and youve told me how much you loved me in so many ways without ever saying it and it made me realize my past relationships had been wrong the whole time and I knew it because...my brain nagged me and told me but it was still such a relief to hear and when he came down for the fake christmas we had to throw before moms surgery we actually got to be like a normal couple haha...but it hurt because I knew I just had to say goodbye again

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so anyways last night I get a message saying my brother says if I clean up the house and live her permanently, I can get a cat, and I really want to get a cat and it just...now when I am stressed I think about it, I get to keep him haha, you know he never did actually ask me to be his girlfriend, hes the type who wouldn't want to create in me obligation if he couldn't provide for me,  NOT THAT i ever mind, but its like maybe its redundant at this point who knows haha and he still inherits that restaurant heaven forbid his other aunt dies, but then well....I’ll be allowed in the house.......... SO LIFE...CAN get better in like the BLINK of an eye, sometimes the greatest gifts will fall in your lap to keep you through the hardest of times, so thats why when I never asked him why he was so hopeful for a future of us because I never wanted him to stop talking like that, because it was something I had never gotten to hear until this month and now I know why 

BUT I AM YOUR BEST FRIEND I WILL MAKE YOU LAUGH

that makes me laugh 

but really you’re not alone, you are a great great friend to me, and I know that me even saying that might not even help, myself, my mother, my boyfriend and my bestfriend are heavily depressed you know I can vouch it runs in my family pretty deep, and when one suggests suicide one has to come in and say ....NO NO NOW BAD IDEA...its like we just stay alive to make sure the others stay alive because you want them to live, its a sad sad cycle but its kept us alive...barely...theres been close calls with all of us lmfao and its kinda hard to worry about keeping 4 ppl alive...but we are still so THATS GOTTA COUNT

 and its okay to not be okay, but you arent wrong or bad or broken and you are definitely not a burden especially on the days where mustering a grin is impossible, anyone expecting you to be happy all the time only wants the joyous you, and in that case they dont deserve the joyous you anyways

HEY WHATEVER keeps you going as little and as dumb as it may seem or sound, it isn’t, I remember I would only get out of bed because I told myself “I have to wash my face” AND ITS GOOD you have these groups to keep you afloat and if you’re looking for some good laughs I suggest watching Cow Chop because they make me laugh every day anD ITS NICE...theyre fucking funny haha 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hT3myJSvQlU&list=PLh9wof0uUEewSqGIiU1cLB0o-9VpcDqZl&index=38

i recommend starting with these videos and amazon primetime because it will acclimate you to the main two who make up cow chop and i linked you to one of my favs I HOPE YOU LIKE THEM unless you already know them I STILL HOPE YU LIKE THEM

that being said youre doing well, you’re doing very well and I am sorry its hurting because its a terrible feeling and it doesnt go away, it probably never does end altogether as small as you may be able to push it down thats why I want to make sure when the boygroups disband you have something, I dont want to risk a shock to the system when you wake up and go WHAT DO I HAVE...I HAVE NOTHING....ITS NOT LIKELY because interests do change and you do find things but to make sure that doesnt happen all I can really do is offer you my unwavering support and love, any method of contact thats good for you is good for me IDK WHY MY TUMblr didnt show i had messages for like two days but yours actually dinged on my phone which is how i sAW I HAD SOME.... so hopefully they ding on my phone still and i will be able to get to you ASAP but if you need my facebook for messenger or my number so i can be there quicker you can also send me a dm and ill get you those AND IF YOU CAN try and do something small for the you in the future, I know its hard to think about future you when present you doesnt even wanna exist BUT future you is coming and they will thank you, I screwed my future self over so many times and now present me is like youre a real dumbfuck so LEARN FROM MY MISTAKES LOL but forgetting i guess is good, I GUESS...cos its what i do like im happy until i remember then im like ah...yes..BUT THEN im worried its avoiding the problem so IDK if thats healthy or not BUT WHAT CAN YOU DO....ill let you know if i know

ANYWAYS good luck, I am rooting for you, I love you so dearly and I care so much about you and I hope one day I get a message saying im happy im here