#and their fucking magic rock fish god

[desicanary]

Some thoughts after finishing the double that I need to expel from my consciousness:

1. I haven't enjoyed a show so much in a while. It had all the drama, and it didn't sacrifice it for the romance

2. Princess Wanning! She killed her dad and I think that was queen shit. She should have killed more people, frankly. She deserves to do so much murder

3. Shen Yurong how I hate you. This man is not only a murderer and a coward, he's also incompetent. None of his plans have ever worked. Mans couldn't manage to successfully kill his wife even if every god were on his side. I loved every time Xue Fangfei did psychic damage to him simply by existing

4. Xue Fangfei! Xue Li! Jiang Li! Xiao Limao! A'Li! Many other terms of address I've missed! She truly is that girl. She is gaslight gatekeep girl boss. She's a girl's girl. She stabbed a man in the dick 7 times. She has the man who once called her a pawn wrapped around her pinkie. When her man tells her he has to get into a political marriage for the nation she says do it then, and then he has to admit he was never gonna. She inflicted +9999999999999 damage on those who wronged her and Jiang Li. She can't fight to save her life (as evident) but can and will confuse her opponent into tripping over their own nonexistent shoelaces

5. I loved the progression of the relationship between A'Li and Xiao Heng. They weren't immediately lovers or friends. They fully used each other until they were willing to be used. The chemistry, the flirting, it's too much and too good. Also, Xiao Heng serves. See: the fans, the fucking gold plated murder fan, a walk-in closet full of capes, the most dramatic entrances known to cdramas, and all the audacity

6. BUT what were the last 20 minutes! They don't exist to me! My buddies Wen Ji and Lu Ji are watching their boss embarass himself at Duke Su's mansion and sharing in the hot goss, to me

7. Plus, I've gotta be missing something about the Longwu army. I do not understand them at all. Not a single one of them would survive the Nuremberg precedent. Not only are they not guided by ethics and morals, they're also not guided by loyalty or revenge or anger or hate or any understandable motivation. Instead, they're guided by a rock carving of a fish. wut. They find out the dude holding the fish works for the guy who betrayed and killed their general, their comrades, and even some of their family. And their response is: "How could they?!?!?! But we still have to listen to them because they have the fish!" Truly what. Someone explain this all-powerful rock fish to me

8. I do think that the Jiangs deserved more. And by more I mean worse. I think Xue Li should have told Jiang Yuanbai exactly how Jiang Li lived and died, and that she hated him for his negligence. I think she should have told the grandma too. They had their hand in this and they deserve to feel the full weight of Jiang Li's life and death and hatred

9. Also Jiang Yuanbai being like "It's not that I didn't know what was going on at home it's just that I was so busy working for the nation uwu". Sir, disrespectfully, no. You had not a clue. And if you did, that makes it worse. Like "Oh no! I'm so busy working that I have no choice but to let my wife frame my 8 yr old for her own attempted murder! The murder of the same stepmom that she, until yesterday, adored! Oh well, I gotta go to work so I'll just let that happen and abandon her for 10 years until politics makes it necessary for me to bring her home! And I'll feel really bad about abandoning her now, but I'll also never believe a single word out her mouth!" Actually, I think he should be hunted for sport

10. Anyway, that got off track! But I love this show, and how even the antagonists have arcs and backstories and aren't countering our girl just cuz. I love the fleshed out characters, all the looks it serves, the drama, and the adorable Wen Ji and Lu Ji and Jiang Jingrui

[stevieschrodinger]

This is not how Steve wanted to spend his afternoon.

Actually, he’s found himself doing a lot of things he hasn't wanted to since Starcourt burned down but, honestly, this is probably right up there.

God it’s disgusting.

But he had to try. All the kids had looked at him with their stupid hang dog faces, so he said he’d try. Which is why he’s at lovers lake, freezing his ass off in the water and nipple deep into the shrubbery, ripping slimy crappy weeds and grass out of the muddy lake bed.

At least Robin got in with him. She’s shivering in her bathing suit, but she’s gamely holding onto the cooler as it floats in the water, so at least there’s that.

The bin full Upside Down vines next to the tank hadn't made much sense at the time, but it became apparent pretty fucking fast when the fish creature in Steve’s pool hadn’t eaten for forty eight hours, and Steve was now, finally, sober enough and not concussed enough to put two and two together.

Hopefully this works though; all the kids have, obviously, become immediately like, fucking pack bonded with the thing. Man. Fish Man.

El and Max keep insisting he’s a mermaid – Merman? Merdude? - like he’s something out of a fairy tail and is all magical and shit.

Steve takes a breath and ducks down again, having felt something hairy and frond like with his exploring toes.

“You think this is enough? Like as a fair test?” Robin rocks the half full cooler forward and Steve peeks in.

And alright, Steve just doesn’t want to fucking be here at all, so he says, “yep, looks good,” as they share a lightly guilty look.

It might not work at all, of course, so their wanting to give up is legitimate. They can always come back when it’s warmer if the fish man does eat this shit.

He certainly isn’t interested in the raw fish the kids have been trying to feed him – Steve’s going to be eating fish for a fucking month with what’s in his freezer now, and don’t those reprobates realize the price of fucking prawns??

The fish man wasn’t interested in meat either, not raw, not cooked – even though Dustin insisted that because of his ‘forward facing eyes’, ‘claws,’ and ‘slightly pointed teeth,’ he must be a predator Steve! The vines must have just been for, in his tank, or whatever, Steve!

Whatever.

Steve’s here to prove them wrong, and Robin’s backing him up.

The kids have gone home when they get back, which is a fucking relief. Even with the heaters in the car on full, Steve still feels cold in his bones. His skin warm and tingly, but the shivers still locked inside; him and Robin head for separate bathrooms without even really talking about it, fishboy has survived this long, he can do another twenty minutes.

Steve finds the biggest sting of kelpy weedy seaweedy stuff from the lake, and drags the tip of it in the pool. It’s dark out, the light from in the house reflecting on the surface of the pool, making it impossible to see where the creature might be hiding; until he disturbs the surface, a few seconds later.

Steve splashes the end in the water, “here fishy fishy fishy.”

“Steve,” Robin elbows him.

“What, it’s not like he has a name,” Steve doesn’t look at her though, he’s watching that strange pair of eyes come closer. They reflect the light strangely, like a wild animal in the headlights. His dark hair is plastered to the top of his head, being wet, and everything else is submerged.

Steve knows he can breathe fine for at least an hour out of the water though; that’s how long the rescue took. And then the bathtub; he was fine in there for a day while they drained the pool of chlorinated water and refilled it with fresh. And it was easy enough to get him in there; if he was human, Steve would say that fish dude was starving to death. Concave stomach, all his ribs clearly visible, pale flesh pulled too tight over the knobs of his spine. Steve had lifted him easily, the sad curl of his dull black tail hardly adding any weight to him. He felt frail, breakable; like a bird.

If there’s any lingering chemical in there, it doesn’t seemed to have hurt fishguy, but then a creature from the upside down must be tolerant to plenty, Steve thinks, imagining the constant fall of ashy dust from the dark sky.

The creature cautiously approaches, and when he’s near enough, there’s a gentle tug on the weed, like the most cautious of bites on a line. Steve lets go, and both fish guy and weed disappear under the water.

“Do you think it worked?” Robin whispers, like they’re viewing a skittish wild animal. Which, they kind of are.

“Don’t know,” Steve whispers back, unable to stop himself. There’s just something about someone whispering to you that’s irresistible; it’s like an unavoidable instinct to follow suit.

“How will we know if it’s worked?”

“Dunno. Try another? See if he takes it?” Steve’s just about to break open the cooler again when the head pops up. All of it, this time.

He has dark hair. So dark it looks black; thick and ropey, it kind of reminds Steve of the vines of the upside down. His face is...pretty much human; just very pale. When he’s got his mouth shut, hiding the slight point of those teeth, nothing would give him away.

He lifts a hand out of the water, offering something to Steve who, gingerly but reflexively, takes it.

It’s the stalk of the weed. The leaves are gone, and the fleshy green of the outside has been carefully stripped off; use for those pointy teeth. Steve guesses all the plant material of the upside down is actually probably quite sturdy and quite hard to eat. It probably also has the nutritional value of wet cardboard.

Steve offers another weed, and the fish dude doesn’t leave this time. Steve watches as he eats; quick, practiced movements, trimming leaves with his claws, rolling them, eating them, then just as Steve suspected, using his sharp teeth to strip the outer stalk of all it’s fleshy wet goodness.

Steve doesn’t shudder at the thought of the mud at the bottom of Lovers Lake.

“Steve one, Henderson zero,” Robin says quietly, the fish man tipping his head to the side, as if he’s listening. Steve’s seen it a lot, the amount that the kids chatter at him, but the fish guy tends to stay at the other end of the pool to them. Watching. Nervous, and frightened, if Steve had to put a label on it.

But then, wouldn’t anyone be? Stolen from your world by unrecognizable creatures in hazmat suits. Shoved in a tank. Probably experimented on.

The whole thing sounds shitty.

Steve offers another weed, and the fish guy repeats the process, floating closer still, “Robin, humor me, go and see what’s in the crisper drawer.”

She follows his logic immediately, “on it.”

Steve watches the creature, the fish man, and the fish man watches Robin warily, moving away from the edge again a little, but coming back when Steve offers another frond.

He takes it, strips it, hands it back.

“We need a name for you man, I can’t just keep calling you ‘fish dude’ and ‘creature’ in my head.”

Steve looks over at the house, figuring he has another minute before Robin comes back, he taps the middle of his chest, fishguys strangely gimlet eyes tracking to movement from his too thin face, “Steve.”

Nothing. He tries again, pointing to himself and tapping, “Steve,” and then pointing to the creature, trying to get him to understand.

Fish guy swims a little closer, raising a hand out of the water. Steve sees the stubby but pointy black claws, like little ovals on the end of his fingers. His webbed fingers, Steve sees next, webbing stretched between them up to the first knuckle. He hesitates for a moment, but Steve doesn’t move, wanting to see where this is going.

Fish guy points cautiously at the center of Steve’s chest, close but not touching, lifting far enough out of the water to reveal protruding collar bones. He opens his mouth, and Steve watches with baited breath, fish guy frowning like he’s concentrating, such a human emotion on his face.

Footsteps, then, and he drops back into the water, backing away into the middle of the pool, sinking down so only his eyes are visible. Steve remembers to breathe; he’s not imagining it, something was about to happen. But he can try again tomorrow, once Robin has gone.

“I got some lettuce and some frozen peas,” she whisper hisses at him as she sits again, handing them over.

“Gimme the lettuce,” that seems like the next nearest thing to Steve.

Part two

[that-house]

“Tell me about magic,” I said to the god wearing my friend’s corpse.

It (I would not grant it the honor of using her name) smiled at me the way she used to smile. It looked like shit, by the way, streaked with mud and blood and slowly spinning new flesh from atmospheric carbon to patch up the bullet holes our latest acquaintances had left it.

“I know every word in your human languages and none of them suffice. How would you explain a black hole’s accretion disk to a fish?”

“I don’t know. Try.” I didn’t bother voicing the threat but it was implicit, as it was in all of our conversations: your kind has died only once before, but it was at the hands of mine.

It sighed with the weariness of a parent about to talk down to a kid, but it signed up for this when it trapped itself on this rock with me. “It’s a puzzle that’s almost been solved since forever began, a puzzle of infinite complexity worked on by the million sharpest minds to ever be, all themselves fractured into dizzying arrays of subminds in temporally upspun pocket universes, all striving to refine those secret arts of law and mastery. It’s cooperation and competition, vines of knowledge strangling each other as we reach ever upwards towards the sun, clawing at each other in our desperate want. It’s a science. It’s like breathing. It’s like love.”

“I distinctly recall you saying that love is an idiocy reserved for us mortals, and a more efficient chemically-induced blindness than sodium hydroxide too.”

“And I maintain that stance, but it gets the point across, does it not?” It huffed with exasperation, you know, the way that she had a thousand times when we were young. An affectation? Or a bit of humanity bleeding into the monster?

“Mhm. Sure.”

It side-eyed me but kept talking. “You don’t have the point of view it would take to truly understand magic. You never will. Even if you saw the world the way I did, you wouldn’t have the context or the time to decipher it. For you it can never be a science, only ever an art.”

“You say that like it’s a bad thing.”

“In truth I envied you. With infinity at one’s proverbial fingertips, what else is there to do? The greatest possible workings have all been deduced, those most absolute and inviolable inflictions of the will upon the cosmos, and all that remains to study are the fleeting shadows of concepts beyond even us. But you humans, you tread on new ground that we’ve long since mastered, internalized, and then forgotten. The best you can manage without literally blowing your own minds is a little teleportation. You’re clueless and flawed and you fuck it all up whenever you get the chance. And I envied you.” For a creature enamored with paradox, the idea of a god envying a mortal sure pained it.

“So you cut it all free, cast off the godhead, and came down from on high to slum it with we mortals. I bet you’re regretting that now,” I said, sticking my finger in the last bullet hole and giving it an experimental wiggle. It winced, but the wound closed up like it had never been as I withdrew my finger. Pain is a just a signal, it was always fond of saying. But it still cried whenever it lost a limb.

“Not in the slightest,” said the once-god wearing my friend’s corpse. “This is the most alive I’ve felt in eons.”

[r0-boat]

MC naked & afraid featuring 7 idiots Headcannons

(What in hell is bad! survival Island headcannons)

Based off of my whb survival Island poll

Author's notes: I'm watching a documentary right now This shit made me laugh so hard imagining these demons becoming feral

It was supposed to be a cruise Mammon was testing out his new cruise ship but something horribly wrong happened where you and the seven kings were stranded on an island in the human world. Their powers unable to work for plot reasons.

They're not stuck forever They can go back home but a rescue team will take a month to arrive.

Satan

Satan somehow got a campfire running. He got so angry he lit the fire based off of pure anger. Because Leviathan was bullying him that he didn't know how to start a simple fire and asked him to hand over the sticks. Satan said "NO! FUCK YOU PUSSY BITCH I GOT IT!"

Satan is a really good hunter, like an exceptional hunter. And he quickly goes into his role. It's been 2 days and now He wears the pelt of his latest kill. Hey sharpens his own tools and he looks like a savage according to Leviathan.

Satan has gotten a thrill for the hunt and for some reason he keeps staring at you....

Mammon

For an hour he's been looking around this deserted island it is populated with native animals and foliage as well as fresh water. You know what he's thinking about... Turning this island into another one of his villas.

When he is not checking out this island as if he's trying to purchase real estate He's actually helping you with building a shelter. Tino's absolutely nothing about building shelters but he's glad to be your heavy muscles and tools for whenever you can't do something.

Following Satan His deconstruction of a civil man has begun but the only thing that really changed is his shirt came off that's it... Only because It got ripped when Satan and him had a fight.

Leviathan

He hates this he fucking hates this. Everyone's running around like headless chickens and he's the only competent devil (except for Lucifer)

He's been better... He was actually a lot worse when you first crashed on the island You had to actually calm him down from his panic attack and when he did finally calm down He has been clinging to you like his life depended on it. Using you as some kind of strange therapy. Becoming more possessive over you.

Anything you're doing he is doing with you no questions ask if anyone were to question it he will take a sharp rock and stab them right in the eye.

Beelzebub

As soon as you woke up in the sand Beelzebub. You wanted to search for him But the other kings we're not worried for him at all.

Before the sun goes down he does turn up with a stick sharpened into a spear and food. Beel is an exceptional hunter. He is the reason why All of you aren't starving. Beel can literally eat anything But that doesn't mean you and other devils can't. So if he tells you not to eat something don't need it.

Beel and Satan have some kind of dick measuring competition with killing and hunting prey. Satan comes back with a rabbit, Beel catches a wild boar, Satan comes back with a big fish, Beel comes back with a crocodile.

Lucifer

Oh my god finally a competent devil. Lucifer is the most important devil since he can heal injuries as well as sicknesses. Even though his magic isn't in effect he still knows a lot of natural plant remedies. He knows every plant species that God has made.

He looks at you with an odd look, while you follow his instructions closely on how to build a proper shelter.

He takes this chance to study you as if you were his science project every time you get a bump I scrape or scratch He studies you meticulously how your human body heals naturally slowly. His fingers delicately tracing each scar you've ever had.

Belphegor

Motherfucker is either asleep or jacking off while you guys do the work. He's so lucky to have all these hard workers working for him and with the shelter built he could finally... It's not comfortable...

He knows that you guys are doing your best and what not but damn sleeping on the ground sucks ass wipe. He wants to find natural soft moss or bedding just for a better sleep.

Because of Belphegor The shelter in looks more and more comfortable with his additions which he always adamantly reminds you. Every time you go in there's new shit added and it looks more like a nest then a shelter.

Asmodeus

Oh yeah the clothes are gone... Are you surprised? This demon has become full feral and he loves it. An island paradise for you and him and of the other 6 would like to join they're more than welcome to.

This uncivilized natural land spark something inside him that you don't want anything to do with.

After you literally threatened not to have sex with him for 2 months until he puts his clothes back on He decides to use leaves or vines instead now he just looks like PornHub Tarzan...

Bonus:

This devil is the king of lust, He has been eyeing this human potential mate for a while now...

The human bathing in the crystal pool catch a sight of him, They seem weary but content with his presence.

This is his chance The devil puffs out his chest showing off his horn it is a devil's way of showing strength and virility.

In his usual habitat He would be the undisputed king. But now his territory is shared. And another eyes his prey.

The human looks into the foliage before jumping back a splash of water fills his vision he hears warning hiss as his opponent comes in view a devil of envy, He has already laid claim to them and he will not back down.

Unlike his one horn this male has two, two against one is hardly fair but that doesn't mean he'll stand down without a fight.

Before these two demons can fight for this potential mate, the human screams "STOP FUCKING AROUND!! I'M TRYING TO BATHE GET OUT!!"

[cherubfae]

A thought, perhaps a request, my humble friend- WHINY RAFAYEL. I just know if you spent the day working him up, only to keep teasing him at home he would be so desperate, and needy, and LOUD

𝔣𝔦𝔰𝔥𝔦𝔢𝔰 𝔩𝔦𝔨𝔢 𝔪𝔢 𝔡𝔬𝔫'𝔱 𝔲𝔫𝔡𝔢𝔯𝔰𝔱𝔞𝔫𝔡 𝔥𝔲𝔪𝔞𝔫 𝔤𝔢𝔰𝔱𝔲𝔯𝔢𝔰 || {𝔯𝔞𝔣𝔞𝔶𝔢𝔩}

tags: nsfw, smut, fem reader, subby Raf, edging, masturbation

a/n: lemme tell you-- I couldn't click on this message fast enough! Yessss!! We all know how dramatic our lovely fish is-- he definitely whimpers when worked up enough. this is a little short!! c:

"Y-you're really gonna make a guy like me beg, c-cutie?" Rafayel swallowed thickly, closing his pretty eyes the second your hand wrapped around his throbbing, weeping member. It had been like this all day. Rock hard and begging for a fraction of your touch.

He nearly passes out, hyper-focused on your thumb circling his sloppy tip, smearing pearlescent beads of precum down his soft pale skin. Distantly, Rafayel can hear himself chanting your name. His hips cant up to fuck himself into your fist, pouty lips drawn into a low moan.

"You're cuter when you beg, Rafayel." You shot back with a grin, your lips curled at the corner. He hated how desperate he felt, how much he craved release. How badly he needed to be inside of you. His fried brain could no longer recall how many hours--years (minutes) it had been since you started edging him.

Sunspots dance across his vision, watching the white curtains flutter in the wind and the salty sea breeze came wafting in to rustle your hair. His plum and fuschia eyes immediately became hooded as they lowered his straining cock. You'd been paying with him so nicely-- stroking him up and down in your pretty hands, and now here he was looking like fool.

Rafayel watches you scroll your phone, mere feet from him, from where he laid back. His trousers had been shoved down to his thighs and his fancy silken white shirt yanked up to his ribcage. He'd taken the time to shave for you, all neatly and artistically landscaped, and his angrily flushed cock was the centerpiece. Still dripping precum, his base and tip smeared in the color of your lipstick. The marks traveled up his pubic bone, past his pale tummy, and littered his chest and mouth like recent TikTok trends. His cheeks darkened all the way to his ears when he noticed just how much attention you'd given him-- but it was the wrong kind.

"Okay, I'm done." You chirp and set your phone down on the coffee table. Instantly you're on him again, the shock of it so sudden that Rafayel can't help the loud moan that trembles past his lipstick stained lips.

Oh, fuck, your mouth was like magic with the way your tongue lapped and rubbed at him. Yes.. Yes look at him with those pretty eyes of him while you suck off.

"Cutie-- I--," Rafayel moaned, lifting his hips off the sofa. His hand rests atop your head, encouragingly. Your lips circle around his weepy tip, sucking inwardly, and your tongue makes quick, furious swipes along his slit. A startled moan leaves his lips as he reaches his climax, painting the inside of your mouth white with loud, needy moans. "Fuck, fuck.. Take it all, take it all, baby.. Oh gods..!"

|| ᴘʟᴇᴀꜱᴇ ᴅᴏɴ'ᴛ ʀᴇᴘᴏꜱᴛ, ʀᴇᴜꜱᴇ, ᴏʀ ᴇᴅɪᴛ ᴍʏ ᴡᴏʀᴋꜱ ɪɴ ᴀɴʏ ᴡᴀʏ! ɪ ᴅᴏ ɴᴏᴛ ɢɪᴠᴇ ᴘᴇʀᴍɪꜱꜱɪᴏɴ. ᴛᴜᴍʙʟʀ ɪꜱ ᴛʜᴇ ᴏɴʟʏ ꜱɪᴛᴇ ᴡʜᴇʀᴇ ɪ ᴘᴏꜱᴛ. ᴀʟʟ ᴄʜᴀʀᴀᴄᴛᴇʀꜱ ʙᴇʟᴏɴɢ ᴛᴏ ᴛʜᴇɪʀ ʀɪɢʜᴛꜰᴜʟ ᴏᴡɴᴇʀ ᴀɴᴅ ᴛʜᴇ ꜱᴛᴏʀʏ ʙᴇʟᴏɴɢꜱ ᴛᴏ ᴍᴇ © ᴄʜᴇʀᴜʙꜰᴀᴇ 2024 ||

[peaterookie]

Lupin Week 2024 Day 4: AUs and Mythology

Goemon's face looks like he's seen a ghost.

ahhhh god ok my stupid stupid silly au i made a year ago.... this will be a bit long so get ready

tldr: lupin died, the gang is alive. goemon finds lupin but he's a shark merman!? and lupin remembers nothing!!!

long version:

so this AU follows upon the story of shin lupin, which basically, the gang gets killed off by zenigata because he rigged an island full of explosives.

instead of them all dying however, lupin decides to knock the gang unconscious and find a way for them to escape off the island safely, leaving only him in the island to die.

the rest of the gang had no idea how they escaped and assumed that lupin had sacrificed himself for them. they woke up adrifted on the ocean until they eventually got picked up by a ship where the invisible captain from new adventures returns. but ah ill spare the details for another day

---

2 years have passed and the gang just kinda separated to do their own thing. we'll only focus on goemon cuz he's the featured character of this comic.

goemon decided to escape the life of crime that has burdened him for years living as a part of the lupgang. he's mostly a wanderer now and tries to do good and help people along the way

funnily enough, goemon is not the first person to find lupin, but I'll talk about this later. but goemon is definitely very mixed about seeing his friend who he thought was dead for years. he doesn't know whether to be happy or worried.

---

lupin, at the brink of death after the explosion, plummets down the ocean and wakes up one day, feeling like he's been rebirthed!

essentially, lupin became a merman because right before he could die, his body (i mean what's left of it 💀) interacted with a magic crystal that has the ability to grant life to a living being.

It's really rare, but it exists in clusters deep in the ocean floor or- deep under the rocks of an island :) you can say im bullshitting, which i am but i dont think exploding an entire island down to every rock has happened before, so it can kinda make sense why something so coincidental about these crystals could happen. (I AM TOTALLY MAKING EXCUSES I JUST WANTED TO MAKE LUPIN A MERMAN.)

and so these crystals used whats left of lupins body and reassembled him back, and idk other essences of the ocean to make him a merman!

the memories of his past life have definitely been buried deep inside his brain to the point he can't remember any of it though, so he thinks that he was born under the ocean and has lived there for his entire life. other than that he retains almost everything about himself, down to stealing stupid shit and messing with humans just for the fucks of it. he's kinda seen as like a nessie.

---

anyways, y'know how i said goemon wasn't the first one to meet lupin? that's because lupin has met zenigata before!

living a life with only fishes around means lupin's kinda lonely and likes to stalk humans sometimes. the interaction with him and zenigata did not end well though, and lupin has no idea why zeni wants him dead so much.

after that he's way more cautious around people that look like zenigata- hatted big men with guns. its gonna be fun once he sees jigen.

ok what else... i think that's all i want to reveal now. will i do more of this? maybe. maybe not. kinda embarrassed of this because of how silly it is but i hope you people find this interesting! byebye

[utilitycaster]

look, I know polls are silly and fun and so I want you to understand writing this rant is silly and fun for me but EMON? Emon is the Critical Role Entry for Most Place of All Time? I must call bullshit. And so:

Friends, fellow critters, and people who have me blocked but hate read my blog each morning over breakfast: Emon is not even the Most Place on the Material Plane. It is not even the Most Place in Tal'Dorei. Hell, it's not even the Most Place on the fucking Bladeshimmer Shoreline, which includes a destroyed city now overtaken by bandits, and a cave system that hosts both a rift to the Far Realm and a different rock than residuum that can make a different magical drug than suude. Emon is if you took the aggressively mid vibes of Washington, DC and transplanted them to the inconvenient location and city of refuge for flaky people who avoid gluten for non-medical reasons of Los Angeles. The second Percival Frederickstein von Musel Klossowski de Rolo III invents the motorcar that sumbitch is going to have traffic bad enough to summon Tharizdun. Also there's a literal pit of fire that's been burning for 30 years that both hasn't been adequately addressed but also doesn't really seem that interesting. Like oh a bunch of dragons destroyed your city? Big deal. Draconia got so fucked up it doesn't exist anymore, and at least Westruun has some fucking charm. At least Pike and Grog actually lived there, whereas Vox Machina got a house in Emon and proceeded to spend their time literally anywhere else.

Here is a brief list of places on the planet of Exandria in the Material Plane - not even across Critical Role's main campaigns/EXU, which includes such non-Exandrian places as "living city of people who mind-melded and escaped to the Astral Sea during a century-plus-long war of the gods"; "Ligament Manor"; "Ryn's groovy pied-a-feu, man I wonder what made the scorch marks on that furniture, anyway", and "THE MOON THAT IS ACTUALLY AN PRISON FOR A THING THAT EATS GODS AND IS POSSIBLY HATCHING" - that are more of a place than Emon:

Jrusar: 5 spires no waiting, sweet cable car system, city almost entirely destabilized by goo creatures as part of an overly complicated plot to blow up the aforementioned moon

Bassuras: (literally "garbagetown") Run by Mad Max gangs and everyone is cool with it; regular sandstorms; one of those gangs apparently sits atop a hive mind and NO ONE has examined this (except for them)?)

Whitestone: has a tree planted by one god over a buried temple to another god that was corrupted in the name of a third, shittier god; overrun by zombies but it's fine now; streetlights and two bears that are allowed to do whatever the fuck they want.

Yios: The canal system of Venice meets the colleges per capita of Boston meets the orcs from your fantasies, also there's some kind of kitchen-based organized crime ring so intricate it could be its own campaign (so, also like Boston).

Vasselheim: literally no one understands what the fuck its government system is. Old as balls. Temples everywhere! Temples full of trees. Temples full of blood! Temples full of an old guy who will kick your ass. A sphinx that regulates the monster hunter mini-game. Presumably the giant titan full of the ancient cannibal dwarf city is like, still there, as a new fixture, since I don't see how they're moving that.

The arctic: where teleportation doesn't work, there's a river of lava in the middle of the snow, ancient ruins full of snow globes full of actual people, and the Chaos Bisexual Emerald - and that's just a smattering of what Eiselcross has to offer.

Since this is about space and not time we can toss Aeor and Avalir too, since they once were places, and while we're at it whatever the fuck is going on with the Shattered Teeth and its permanent fog cloud and fish dream cult and capitalist shipwrecked merchants.

And, of course, any arbitrary square millimeter of Wildemount, frankly, has more Mostness than the entirety of Emon could muster under absolutely ideal conditions. But for the sake of one place per region, let's hand it to Rosohna (city of eternal night for practical purposes, built over the Evil God Headquarters); Uthodurn (underground! Giant goats! Elves and dwarves, living together, mass hysteria!); Hupperdook (steampunk gnome party city); Nicodranas (Fjord, Jester, Veth, Marion, and Yussa literally all live there at once; plumbing used to be courtesy of an imprisoned marid...but watch out); and Blightshore (Blightshore).

In conclusion: Emon is boring, nominating it was a mistake, there are literally sealed gods in other parts of the world and also way better taverns, good night, and what the fuck.

[ethereal-multiplicity]

⟡ Worldly Mysteries - Siren Folk ⟡

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(Post header found on pinterest)

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More and more people are coming around to the possibility of different realms and the beings who rule those. Such as Spirits, Pagan Gods/Goddesses, Witches/Witchcraft, Fae, Mermaids, Sirens, etc.

This is largely because we are moving out of the Christian Age. For centuries Christianity has ruled the world, but no more. Enough is enough, so in my Worldly Mysteries series I will be explaining different types of creatures and how to work with them. This post is about Siren's.

I am open to requests on what creatures I should make a post about :)

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There is multiple different myths about how Sirens came to be and what their purpose was;

One story says that Sirens were Persephone's companions/aids, and tried to help find her when Hades took her to the underworld. Demeter gave them wings to help the search, but when they failed to find her, and more so failed to prevent her rape. they were cursed into remaining in their monstrous form.

Another story says that sirens were the daughters of Achelous, and yet another says they were the daughters of Oceanus and Gaia

The mythology of Siren Folk has changed a lot over the millennia, but one thing remains consistent, they are shapeshifters that were usually women. (Which includes being stuck/cursed)

The main myth is that they are half bird, other myths say they are half fish (A "mermaid"). Another less common myth, yet very common in Hollywood Media, says that they can shift between half bird, half fish, and fully human.

Their main role in myth and media is that they have beautiful singing voices, sometimes accompanied by the music of either a lyre, a kithara, or a aulos, and they use their talents to lure sailors (mostly men) into their watery deaths. A Siren will hypnotize a sailor with her voice, make the ship crash and sink against the rocks she sat upon, and some myths say they eat their victims after they drowned, but no matter the myth, there is rarely a victim who got away alive and unscathed.

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Why should people work with Sirens? We'll get to that in a minute.

The most obvious reason someone might not want to work with them is because Sirens are depicted as... violent to say the least. However, so many deities all across the globe did more fucked up things then killing some probably horrible sailors.

Examples being; Zeus and Poseidon repeatedly sexually assaulted people, including their own sisters. Hades kidnapped Persephone and manipulated her into being his wife. Literally every god slept with people outside their spouses consent. Cronus fucking ate his children. And lastly, the sheer amount of gods who willingly had sexual relations, even bore children, with their parents, siblings, or own kids. (An example I already stated in this post, is Oceanus and Gaia. Gaia is Oceanus' mother, yet one myth says that they are the parents of the Siren.)

The list can go on forever, sirens are so tame compared to Gods and Goddesses, yet we still worship and love them?

Now, you may be asking, why would people still worship those Gods? Well, that's for another post, but the simplest answer is, because it's mythology. It was likely written by fucked up humans wanting to excuse their actions.

Anyway, back to the main question. Why should/would anyone work with The Siren? Here are a few reasons off the top of my head;

Glamour Magick. Sirens are depicted as one of the most beautiful beings that exist, that you would think they were daughters of Aphrodite. Not only that, but water is just... healing. Water in general is a powerful tool in Glamour Magic, now pair that with a Siren. You'll be catching everyone's heads.

Sex Magick. Sirens hypnotize and control people for shits and giggles, honey if you invoke them for sexual magick your gonna have the best night of your life. Not only that, but sexual healing, body image healing, etc.

Similar to the first two, Love Magick. I personally do not practice love magick without all parties consent, but no matter the rules you have for your practice, Siren's attract people of all genders, if you invoke them for Love Magick, whoever your doing it for, even if it's yourself, is gonna find someone that worships the ground they walk on.

Confidence. Working with the Siren can teach you how to view yourself in a healthy way, and understand yourself in a way you never did before.

Luck Magick. Siren's are creatures of the sea, and the sea brings luck and prosperity. The sea brings you treasure and joy, working with the Siren could attract good things your way.

Working with Siren's could also teach you how to direct your manifestations. Once more, they hypnotize men and rarely don't get what they want. Siren energy could teach you how to lure good things to you/your target in a more definite way.

Also, if you have a fear or trauma around water/swimming, you could invoke the Siren's to basically catch your fall. Invite them to go with you, to protect you and give you the confidence you need. After all, one myth says that Siren's aren't naturally sea creatures, they would know how to become one with water more than anything.

If you want more confidence in your voice, singing or just using it in general, they could help build your confidence and identify where your fear comes from and how to stop holding back. The most powerful part of anyone's practice is their voice, your true voice comes from your chest, and they could help you tap into that.

On the darker side,

Siren's can help with baneful magic. Again, they hypnotize and kill sailors. If you invoke siren energy for baneful workings, your target is gonna basically be yours for the attack, Siren's lower all guards and protections.

They could teach you how to lie with confidence. Not in a way that's harmful, but in a way that keeps you safe.

They could help show you your Shadow, helping you work towards your goals in life by delving head first into your past traumas and processing them.

Siren's could teach you how to use your feminine wiles, how to manipulate energy around you to get what you want, and make sure you aren't ignored.

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How might someone worship them? After all, worshipping is how you begin a relationship with a divine entity.

Here is some things I would do;

Leave offerings at the beach for the ocean to take for the Sirens. Such as sand drawings, sea shell structures, seaweed sculpture, etc.

Sing songs at the beach for the Sirens, if you can't or don't want to, you could also do it with a picture of the beach, water collected from the ocean, or even in your bathtub.

Make an Altar for them. I feel like Siren's would want their own Altar or dedicated space, especially in places like a window, bathroom, or really anywhere you would practice Glamour Magick.

Learn how to speak their language. Use your voice, and your femininity to achieve what you want.

Send flowers out into the ocean for the Sirens, but please make sure the flowers are safe to degrade in the sea.

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Do I have any warnings to working with or worshipping them? Yeah, here's a few;

Don't ask for protection without doing the work to help protect yourself.

If you have a familial practice, safely teach your children about Siren's. They are chaotic, and children need calm beings to be around, such as Persephone.

Treat Sirens with the same respect you would any deity or spirit, they are still divine beings, not monsters.

Siren's are chaotic beings, make sure you have proper goals for your relationship, otherwise it could overwhelm you. (At the same time though they are tranquil beings... it's like two sides of the same coin)

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Have fun working with them!

I am really sad there isn't a lot of resources on working with Siren Energy on google and tumblr. There is shit tons of information on working with the Fae, why not the merfolk :(

[dingochef]

Pairing: Jake "Hangman" Seresin x You (OFC)

Warnings: Swearing, Smut (MDNI 18+ Only), Angst with a Happy Ending, Stalking, P in V, oral (female and male receiving), Semi-public sex, light spanking,

Word Count: 3.8k

Summary: A girl's night out gets steered in a different direction, much to your disgruntlement. You meet the human version of a Ken doll, who happens to be a Naval Aviator and are not impressed.

Masterlist

Chapter 1: Lieutenant Mansplain

You're on your way back from the bathroom when you see that the table you left your two friends at is now empty.  Scanning around the bar you spot Lydia’s unmistakable red hair in a sea of khaki clad bodies around the pool table.  This was supposed to be a stereotypical “Girls Night Out” to help soothe Beth’s (the other friend lost to military uniforms and god knows what else) recently broken heart. 

You were looking forward to it after the week you had at work.  The good news was that the latest Darkstar prototype had made it Mach 10, the bad news was that it vaporized somewhere over the Sierra Nevada mountains. By some divine reason or mostly the life preservation pod that you had worked months on worked exactly as designed and the pilot survived without injury.  The pod had worked a lot better than the heat shielding had. Such was life working for Lockheed Martin's legendary Skunk Works.  The cutting edge of aircraft design meant big successes and failures.  

Instead, Lydia has turned it into a fishing expedition, the girl has a serious military kink and was probably drawn in by some tractor beam to all the uniforms, nametags, and those ribbon thingies you can never remember the correct name for.  Sighing deeply, you walk up to the bar and catch Penny’s attention for another gin and tonic, you're going to need it for the long extraction mission that awaits you around the pool table.  As you wait, you look over and see the usual pilot stereotypes, (yup, they’re pilots - unmistakable with gold wings on their chest and aviator sunglasses hanging from their collars.)  Posted up in the corner on a bar stool messily eating popcorn is the only guy wearing glasses; you peg him as a flyover state guy who probably married his highschool sweetheart. Most likely a WSO, he seems too unassuming to be a pilot.  Beth is talking to him more out of boredom than anything other motivation.  She's watching Lydia work her magic out of the corner of her eye.  Leaned over the pool table is a brunette gal with her hair pulled back into a bun so severe it makes your head ache in sympathy looking at it; she’s got a coy smile on her face as she sinks the last ball to win the pool game.  The vibe she gives off is all confidence with a touch of “I’ll be nice and not kick your ass” along with a bit of sweetness.

You'll probably get along well.  She is rolling her eyes at Lydia’s attempt to engage a rather tall guy with scrubby hair and an unexplainable mustache out of a porno from the 70s.  He had to have lost a bet to have that mustache, right?  Whatever Lydia is rolling out, this guy is reeling in.  Odds are 3:1 that Lydia will fuck that guy in the back of her Subaru before the night is over.  You make a mental note to ask if she brought condoms next time you get near her.  

Thankfully your G&T slides across the bar to your waiting hand.  Penny leans over and says over the classic rock blaring out of the jukebox, “Lydia’s up to it again, you want to bet on it?”  You roll your eyes and laugh darkly, 

“Not this time, it’s already a done deal the way they’re looking.”  

The pornstacher (as he has been named in your head) has his hands on Lydia’s hips and is leaning down to whisper something in her ear.  You shake your head, grab your  drink, and take a hefty pull from the only thing that is going to make this next hour of your life bearable.  Penny shouts over the noisy bar, “Good luck!”  

“Here we go again,” you mutter to yourself as you make your way over to the corner.

Walking over to the pool table to hopefully get your friends back on track for the original mission which was supposedly to include too many girlie shots, trash talking men, and some karaoke if you made it that far before needing to call an Uber. Lost in your thoughts, you collide with another form wearing the ubiquitous khaki.  Before you know it, your  drink, your liquid sanity is now dripping down the front of your shirt and onto the very broad chest of a very tall blond man with freakishly green eyes.  

“God damn it,” you shout. It’s your  go to swear of choice.  The blond guy steadies you with hand on your  upper arm and says with a noticeable twang, 

“Well that’s one way to guarantee I buy the prettiest gal in here a drink, let me get you a new one.  What’s your poison?”  

The way he smiles after what he thinks is his witty retort is straight from a 1950s toothpaste commercial.  You can hear the “ding” and almost see the animated sparkle.  You roll your eyes, and say, 

“I’ll take a replacement, thank you. Just know that’s the only drink you’ll be buying me tonight.  Gin and Tonic,  tell Penny it’s for Elsa and she’ll know which gin to use.”  

He laughs, “Ice queen in name and presence.  

"I loathe that movie with an undying passion."

“Well, Icy, I’ll be back in a few and we can get to know each other a little bit better.”  He smiles that damn toothpaste commercial smile again and heads over to the bar.  

Finally, you reach Lydia and she is just starting to reel in pornstacher with her usual playbook.  Laughing too loud at jokes that can't possibly be that funny, her silly little slap to his chest that lingers a bit too long, leaning way too far in to hear what he’s saying.  It’s a really well defined plan, she could package it and sell it given her success rate.  

“Hey, Lydia!” you shout over the music, some bastard has played Slow Ride for the second time in 20 minutes.  She leans out from the bar stool she’s sitting on while the pornstacher's hands still are attached to her waist.  

“Elsa!  Glad you found us!  Here, meet everybody!”  she says like she’s greeting you at the door for a dinner party.  Lydia definitely had the social talent to get people together wherever she went. 

She nods at pornstacher, 

“This is Rooster, he’s a pilot.” 

You're not sure if Rooster is a better name for him in your  head.  He nods at you in recognition.  She points over to flyover state guy and says, 

“That’s Bob, he’s a wizzo-wizard thingy.”  

Rooster laughs as she trips over the words partly because she gives zero fucks about what he actually does and her third or fourth cosmo is definitely hitting her.  

“At the pool table, that’s Phoenix, next to here is Coyote, then Fanboy, and Payback.”  

“Do any of these people have names that aren’t from American Gladiators?” 

She giggles way too long and then says in mock exasperation, 

“They’re call signs, silly.”  

You dryly respond, 

“I know what call signs are, Lydia.  Remember my dad was a pilot?”  

You look upwards for some kind of divine strength to endure whatever this all is.  You wonder where your drink is and scan the bar for the human Ken doll that owes you a G&T. The way Lydia is attached to Rooster you know this is going to be a long night and you're glad you live within walking distance of the Hard Deck. On cue a deep voice says,

“Here you go, little lady.  Penny knew exactly what you wanted.”

He takes a swig of his beer, and asks, 

“So your dad was a pilot?  Who’d he fly with?”  

You move past your irritation of the phrase, little lady.  It’s true you're definitely short at a whole 5’1" without heels.  Tonight you've got a pair that at least gets you to a respectable 5’5”, which is still nowhere near tall enough to be eye to eye with this guy.  

You breezily say, 

“The Navy.”  

He nods, 

“Well that’s good not sure I could be seen with someone not of the proper lineage.”  He starts in with the usual rapid fire “get to know you” questions, 

“Where are you from?” 

“Michigan,” you offer no other information. 

"You?"

"Texas."

“What brings you here tonight?”  

“It was supposed to be a girl’s night out to help Beth,” you cock your  head to Beth where she and Bob are showing each other pictures of their dogs, you assume. 

“She got dumped by some asshole Marine a few days ago."

He mutters, 

"Figures."

"However, Lydia has taken us on a different path,” you point to Lydia where she and Rooster are proving that personal space isn’t necessary.  you give it 10 minutes before she and Rooster will try to discreetly leave the bar for other activities.  “And that leaves me talking to you while I finish my drink and can hopefully go home and call this night over.”  

“Ouch, am I really that bad to look at and talk to?”

He puts on a mock frown for a second that he is confident makes him look cute before putting on his toothpaste commercial smile.

“I don’t even know your name and I'm not sure I even need to. I’m at the point of the evening where my  feet hurt from these stupid heels and I’m really just ready to go home, take my bra off, put on some comfy pants, and watch some shitty TV before I fall asleep. It's been a week at work." 

You finish your rant with a hefty swig of your drink. The mention of your bra coming off distracts him for a split second before he says, 

“Well, I can solve one of those problems, the name’s Hangman.”  

“Hangman, do you have a name that doesn’t sound like a cartoon character?” 

He laughs just hard enough that you can see the beginnings of laugh lines at the edge of his eyes.  

"Yes, my real name is Jake, Lieutenant Jake Seresin at your service, maam."  

“Okay, Jake.  I’ve got a question for you.  What’s the deal with pornstache, Rooster, or whatever the fuck his name is?  Lydia’s definitely putting out her trap line and he’s hooked on.  Good guy, creeper, weirdly close relationship with his mother, kicks puppies, or punches nuns?  Anything Lydia should be on the lookout for?” 

He laughs again, and says, 

“Naw, Rooster is mostly harmless.  I’m surprised he’s as bold as he is tonight, must be a bit of liquid courage. That’s how he got his call sign.  He can be kind of a chicken shit in the air, and the powers that be wouldn’t let us put “Chicken Shit” as his official call so sign so it had to be amended to be rated G. As for him being horrible,I can attest he leaves cabinet doors open and those awful mustache hairs all over the bathroom as I have the unfortunate luck of being his roommate for this assignment.”  

"My condolences. What about Bob, over there?”  

“He is either the most bland person ever to exist or a serial killer, I can’t figure it out. From one of those corn states Iowa, Nebraska, or whatever.” You were  correct on his point of origin.

This thought makes you laugh as you see Bob and Beth talking a little more animatedly about something that you can't make out from across the pool table.  She’s smiling and actually looks like she’s having a good time, so you resolve to stick it out for a while for Beth’s sake.  

"He married?" you ask in case you need to intervene before Beth's heart is engaged.

The thought makes him almost spit out his beer.  

"Nope. Can you imagine anyone wanting to have sex with him?" 

You nod in agreement.  Beth is now leaning in closer to Bob and her hand is inching closer towards his on the drink rail.

Damn, you'll actually have to make some conversation while you wait this wing-woman assignment out.  You have no worries about Lydia, she’s going to do exactly who or what she wants.  Beth worries you a little more, she is so tender hearted and kind that any time she cries you're ready to crack open your chest and give her a piece of your heart, despite it being described as “Colder than the dark side of the planet Pluto,” by an ex boyfriend. Of course you had to remind him that Pluto hasn't been a planet since 2006. The relationship was definitely done, so any bit of mental superiority you could keep was a bonus.  

“So, I take it you’re a pilot,” you wave your hand vaguely at the wings on his chest.  “What do you fly?”  

“Airplanes.”  He answers without any further detail.  You roll your eyes.

“I gathered that. What kind of plane?  You lugging cargo for the Navy, cruising around in a radar rig, or something more exciting?”  

“I didn’t think you’d know the difference, most people don’t.  I fly a F-18.”  

“Nice. Good aircraft. Too bad it's made by Boeing." 

The whole sentence flies past Jake's head without any notice. You had hoped that might start a discussion about the plane.  You're always interested in hearing from the people who actually end up flying your designs. The moment passes and when Jake's beer has been emptied, he leans out and calls to the group to see if they or anyone else is in need of a refresh.  A few raise their hands in agreement. You still have over half of your  drink left so you shake your head back and forth when he points to you.

He returns beers in hand and instantly reappears at your side. The second half of G&T Number One is spent discussing the climate differences of Michigan versus California versus Texas.  The conversation transitions into other vanilla topics.  You find that he shares a love of baseball and football.  

You discuss the Padres season in great detail.  That brings you to the bottom of your drink.  You take a look around to get a status check on your friends.  Lydia is now almost sitting on Rooster's lap, Beth is still talking with Bob and sharing a basket of popcorn.  She looks content, so you resign yourself to another drink.

G&T Number two finds you discussing books with Jake, not a subject you expected to talk about tonight. 

"I read a lot of nonfiction, history, aviation and military history, the natural world. I like learning things."

He responds, 

"There's only so much tv I can watch when I'm at sea, so reading a book is a nice break.  I prefer a good whodunnit or cheesy mystery novel.  The trashier the better."

"So, no life changing literature?"

He nods and finishes off his beer.  You're starting to notice that his pace is about twice that of yours.  A bit of quick math in your head determines his BAC is definitely in the tipsy territory heading towards sloppy.  

He returns with a new beer and a few tequila shots for the group. Jake offers one to you and you respond,

"Hard pass."

He shrugs and takes the shot and moves to the rest of the group.

G&T Number three is spent playing a game of pool with the rest of the group.  More shots come out and you see Jake go back to the bar a few times for another beer.  Jake uses the opportunity to lean over you to "help improve your  technique".  You enjoy the smug thought that he will likely be hungover tomorrow.  

The pool game finishes and you're in a good mood finally, just the right side of tipsy.  There's about an inch of your drink left and you're planning on heading out soon.  

Jake is instantly close and looming over you.  He is very tall compared to you and he reminds you of a giraffe the way he stretches his neck down to talk to you.  His drunkenness adds a slow loll to his presence.  You decide to throw out an easy question to round out the night, 

"So, tell me about being a fighter pilot."

He hears the question and you can almost see the brain cells connecting and searching his memory bank for something to say.

“It's a great gig. It's always amazing to me that those giant machines get up in the sky somehow," he responds in what feels like a very practiced way.

"You know how planes fly, Elsa?”  

“Yes, I actually have a–” you're interrupted by Jake and you suddenly feel an episode of mansplaining with a heavy side of drunk confidence coming on.  He grabs your drink from your hand and places it on the rail next to where you're standing. He gently grabs your upper arms and rotates you around so your back is against his chest.  

“Here, put out your arms.” 

You decide to play along for the eventual reward this conversation is going to bring. Out your arms go. He mirrors your arms with his and starts the most definitely memorized spiel. 

“It all works on how the wings are shaped, air goes faster over the top of the wing than the bottom of the wing because of the way it’s shaped, kind of like a teardrop on its side.  That creates the lift to get us in the air.  Follow me?” 

You nod, playing dumb for now. He takes his hands and moves them to your waist and continues, 

“That’s not enough though to get flying so we need to add thrust in the form of an engine." 

He has moved close enough behind you that you feel the not so subtle surge of his crotch against your ass when he says the word “thrust”. Your  eyes begin to roll at how cheesy this whole situation is.  

“And then wham-bam-thank-you-maam, we’re up in the air and flying.”  

As he says “up in the air”, he picks you up off the floor.  At this point, you're done, no matter how many gin and tonics you've had and no matter how good he smells, this is such a silly act you can't take it anymore.  You turn your  head, and say flatly, 

“You can put me down, now.”  

He obliges and you can see the mental calculus of him trying to determine how successful this party trick of his has been. The smug shit eating grin on his face makes what you're about to say even better.

During this time, Lydia has stopped weaving her web around Rooster, to lean out and see the look on your  face, the eye rolls, and your general impatience with the routine that she is curious what you'll say next. 

You turn around to face Jake, and you begin your rebuttal,

“Do you get a lot of women to drop their pants for you with that demonstration?  Decent explanation. If we’re going for 4th grade level science, but that might be as far as you got, who knows.  You did leave out a few important factors including the effects of drag, aircraft weight, pressure differential over the wing, you know the basics.”  

You hold up your hand ticking each item off on your fingers to emphasize your point.

His face freezes with one eyebrow arched up in alarm. This is where Lydia lets out her trademark guffaw cackle, and says, 

“You didn’t ask what she does for a living, did you?” 

Rooster has turned around and is looking satisfied that Hangman is going to go down in flames right there on the bar floor.   

“No, why does that matter?”  he croaks out, moderately alarmed.  

“I’ve got a Phd in aerospace engineering from Stanford and work for Lockheed Martin, you jackass."

Jake's eyebrows continue to rise and his face pales. You take a breath and continue,

"If you hadn’t interrupted me in the first place or even listened to a god damn thing I've said in the last two hours you might have picked that up. Like who else would know who makes an F-18, or who else would read a lot of aviation history books?  You could have saved yourself some embarrassment.  I design shit you haven’t even had the chance to fly yet or maybe won’t ever be granted the privilege of flying.” 

You emphasize your last point by jabbing your finger into his chest just left of his gold wings.

At this point the whole khaki crowd has stopped and is now listening to this exchange.  Snickers start to form around the pool table as Jake flushes with embarrassment.  

He stammers, “I didn’t know…I’m sorry.”  

You wave off his half ass apology with a dismissive hand flick,

“It’s okay, you keep trying that shtick and see who you can get into the sack with it.  Don’t worry your little pretty head about it. It’s been an evening and I think I’m going to head out.  Beth - Lydia?”

Beth replies,

“I’m good here for a few more minutes, I’ll text you when I get home.”  

Somewhere in this moment Lydia has moved into the final phase of her plan. You can hear her whispering in Rooster’s ear, 

“Want to go somewhere a little more quiet?” 

He nods enthusiastically like a kindergartner and grabs his beer as Lydia catches his hand and leads him towards the exit.  As she passes, you catch her arm for a quick second and lean in to whisper,

“You prepared? I’ve got some condoms in my purse if you need them.” 

She winks and pats her own purse, 

“All ready to rock and roll,” she whispers back, 

"I think this guy is going to need a Magnum, lucky me!”  

And with that bit of info Lydia has practically dragged Rooster out the door and is gone before you can even think to close your tab.  

You leave Jake gaping like a fish out of water near the pool table and head out to close out your tab.  Penny leans in as you sign the credit card receipt, and says, 

“That was stone cold, sister, he’s not a bad guy, mostly the ego that comes with pilots, but you might find he’s got more beneath the surface.” 

You sigh and reply, 

“Yeah, the presentation is good, but man, does the delivery and content need some work.  See ya around, Penny.”  

You're back at home in a loose hoodie from your undergrad years at Notre Dame, no bra, and comfy pants and with opening credits of Bridgerton rolling within 15 minutes.  

Chapter 2

@mayhemmanaged

@callmemana

[jewishdragon]

Ok let’s see if I can list all my favorite anime.

Feel free to reblog with your lists too

This is in no particular order

Full metal Alchemist Brotherhood (perfect plot, worldbuilding, and animation. There is little I find at fault with this anime. The philosophical themes of war, god, and morality, are also incredible)

Mushishi. (Animation is the most beautiful stuff I’ve ever seen. Ever wanted to experience The Horrors but feel immeasurably calm at the same time? Follow Ginko as he solves supernatural mysteries in a fantasy ancient rural Japan. Get your heart ripped apart in 20 minutes with this purely episodic series)

Tsuritama. (Need a 12 episode feel good fun time with fish aliens, saving the world, and making friends? Yeah. This is for you)

Soul Eater (wacky as fuck. Fun plot. Falls into the fanservice trap a few times but you know, it’s still really good. I thought so many characters would be irritating but no they are endearing instead. The script is so fucking stupid at times I love it. death the Kid and Dr Stein are my favorite characters)

So I’m A Spider So What? (My favorite isekai. I hope for more of it. Don’t watch if you can’t handle a lot of spiders. The progression of the protagonist is really cool and the world building is interesting tho the humans are boring)

Dungeon Meshi (current obsession. Autistic main that is so painfully accurate. Wholesome and it’s gonna get bonkers but stay wholesome at the same time. It’s a dnd homebrew adventure)

Madoka Mágica (if you haven’t heard of this you may live under a rock. Magical Girls but batshit world building and implications.)

Ouran High School Host Club (I mean. It’s just cute. Reverse harem? Nonbinary protag??? Rich kid politics??)

Red Line (movie. Sexy as fuck. Car racing in space!?????)

Wolf Children (movie. I hate the ending but I still cried)

Trigun (wish there was more worldbuilding. Post-apocalyptic kinda deal, humanity + weird tech = consequences. Main characters are INSURANCE AGENTS!)

(Obligatory anything ghibli. Can’t leave out the classics and the quality of it)

That’s all I can think of for now

[askganon]

So, I had a question about Hyrule! They obviously have some sort of manifest destiny myth but uh... What the fuck did they actually want with your desert? Like, you can't grow food in it, it's filled with angry women that do not want you there and a seven foot six man who is basically THE name in magic since like, Vaati. Not to mention how you basically got good enough terms on your surrender to keep a border fortress and didn't have to demilitarize and became a direct vassal in the royal court.

Seriously everything about it sounds like a bad deal and if Hyrule just, wanted your people for some reason, why not just give them some land in that BIG EMPTY GOD DAMN FIELD for them to settle on!

Hell, the Gerudo probably have super sick cavalry ideas, an alliance seems far more beneficial than trying to fucking war over a goddamn desert even if it is implied that the Gerudo are raiding caravans for men.

I also want to know who those caravans were for! The Gorons literally eat rocks, the Zora are weird fish people with weird fish people culture and don't seem like they import much. The Gerudo would be the only reasonable trade partners!

What I am saying here is Hyrule in the era of your birth makes no goddess damn sense and I am exceedingly mad about the lack of logic in this world.

When I first walked the realms of Hyrule, it was not the recourses of the desert they craved, but subjugation. Or, rather, punishment for our defiance.

I was born into strife, a child innocent to the ways of war and death, but one who learned of their pains easily enough. Through the ages before my time, my people refused the powers of Hyrule, and were banished to remain in the desert until we either joined with Hyrule, or died of starvation.

Hyrule did not want anything but our will, and their nobles and their men sought only the bodies of my sisters.

However, as you say, we are a furious and free people, and we do not take orders from those we deem lesser.

[pailsofpasta]

maybe i just love jimmy buffet so much because i worked on his musical but I love him so much can we just talk about it for a sec. He is classic 70s soft rock, yacht rock and happiness but then you add in the beautiful poetry of his lyricism, the joy and carefreeness combined with a really gorgeous hit of nostalgia and bittersweet aging.

like for one, He Went to Paris, are you kidding me?? "now he lives in the island, fishes the pilings, drinks his green label each day" "through 86 years of perpetual motion" "some of its magic, some of its tragic, but i had a good life all the way" PLEASE i cannot imagine how that must feel to have lived and loved and felt so much pain your entire life I can barely handle my 20 years.

A Pirate Looks at Forty, "mother mother ocean" i think music just hits me too hard but you cannot tell me this isnt the most beautiful shit youve ever heard in your life. hes describing how mother earth is watching humans evolve and how he identifies with something he can never be. hes lived so much and yet "i made enough money to buy Miami but i pissed it away so fast, never meant to last". maybe its just the melody but everything is fleeting and hes acknowledging how hes getting older and nothing is permanent. "got to go fishing, down to rock bottom again" you hit rock bottom over and over and over again through your life and through it all you keep on living.

COME MONDAY, maybe I just crave security in myself and peace, and its a breakup song, but Oh My God "yes, its been quite a summer... and now you're off on vacation, something you try to explain" perfectly encapsulates the end of summer feeling. I am so bittersweet about everything. "i hope you're enjoying the scenery, i know that its pretty up there" GOD it takes me back to being 10 listening to the radio with my dad and learning the feeling for the first time.

"if we couldn't laugh we would all go insane" "if it suddenly ended tomorrow I could somehow adjust to the fall". shut the fuck up im in tears.

"so many nights i just dream of the ocean, god I wish i was sailing again" ME TOO JIMMY ME TOO

Tin Cup Chalice. just. it makes me yearn.

i am a drunk old man at heart leave me be to cry over buffet in peace.

[lonely-north-star]

number 2 from your ramblings in your notes!!!!!

here’s to hoping we get motivation to finish our wips………..

🙏 desperately hoping for for both of us

y'all are about to learn so much about me ajwjefj, I've been thinking so much about this damn necklace and how I want it to appear in every lifetime they meet. Mammon is always the one to gift it to my MC, Paula

okay number two is mermaid mc and Mammon as the Captain and Solomon as a crew mate !!! Some random pirate caught a glimpse of her, and tried catching her, but it did NOT end well (imagine she sunk their ship lol). Now she has a bounty on her head LMAO

(this got way long so more under the cut)

SO of course the two of them find out about this while visiting the nearby town to get supplies, and they're both devising a plan to catch her. That prize money is hefty AND they'd get bragging rights

So of course they're out, and people catch the most glimpses of her during the night. I need to come up with a design for her actually - definitely a blue tail ??

ANYWAY they're staying up multiple nights to even see her, and one night they do, and they're using a net to try and grab her. She'd definitely taunt them. I'd like to imagine Mammon gets so pissed off at the taunting, he actually jumps into the water to try and grab her. Solomon is so concerned. All Paula does is laugh and swim away.

Wait imagine they're tight on money and they try fishing, but Paula keeps shooing any animals away. Just to annoy them. And they see her and catch on. But y'know what they also see? How she's decked out in random jewelry and shiny chains. Treasures she's found ?? So they start thinking they can bribe her !!

They offer some random jewel in exchange for her not messing with their catch. Or maybe human things interest her ?? Ooh, a hair comb actually !! Unfortunately, she is convinced, as wary as she is. Maybe she even brings like- plants? To try and get them to not fish so much?

Somewhere between this she starts popping out during the day, trading and talking with them, but always from afar. She sometimes swims closer but another crew member will always spook her.

Maybe solomams find a rock to sit on?? To make her less afraid?? They show off they have no weapons, no nothing, and they actually get to see her up close. And wow. She's pretty.

Now they're like "damn fuck the reward we want her instead!" HAHAHA

They all get closer <3 i like to think at some point later, Mammon gifts her THE necklace (the diamond shaped one my MC always wears). And !?? Surprise, surprise, it's magic and turns her human !!! (Not my love for barbie and h20 showing, sorry guys HAHA)

It'd be sooo cute if they have to carry her everywhere while she learns to walk and have legs. But they're in shock. All of them are. But she definitely joins their crew !!

Angst would be she gets kidnapped because someone recognized her from the bounty and solomams have to save her !! God I can't even imagine, they'd beat everyone up to get to her. I love that for them.

HAHA SORRY FOR RAMBLING FOR SO LONG, I NEED TO COMPILE THESE INTO A DOC OR SOMETHING. I wanted to expand on them ajwjwje

[illarian-rambling]

Thanks for the tag @mk-writes-stuff!

OC Interview

Let's get funky, let's answer for Azhur! (For context, Azhur is Twenari’s father. He's been... alone for a very long time.)

Are you named after anyone?

"No, no, no one else. There's only one me, fortunately. Unless you're counting my family name. Then there's a lot of us. A whole pack of Devarises. Did you know the scientific term for a group of sorcerers is a conference? A conference of Devarises. Gods, I hated those."

When was the last time you cried?

"I couldn't say. Wasting moisture is a travesty in my hell, for rain is rare. Sometimes, when I do give in, I pretend I'm visiting the sea."

Do you have kids?

"Two, though one is gone, taken, dead. I haven't been around Twenari for long, but I see much potential in her. Dreams swim behind her eyes, as much as hands rein in reality. I cannot know her, yet I would like to learn to love her one day. As for Akani.... The soul is a funny thing, made of magic and miracle. It presents on a scale of Tamm units, visible through a sorcerer’s arcane awareness, which draws upon the Veil at a rate, a rage, a relay of 8.5×10^5 ODR volts per second, equivalent to 1 standard Blösten unit, from which can be derived both magi-potential and spell friction by way of the Klaston-Daphon equation and-"

Do you use sarcasm a lot?

"Huh? Do I? I think I do. I make myself laugh all the time!"

What’s the first thing you notice about people?

"How loudly he shouts around them."

What’s your eye colour?

"A pale brown, lighter than my skin. Very distinctive."

Scary movies or happy endings?

"Uh, happy? Happy is good. Fear is evil."

Any special talents?

"My magic, obviously, but saying a Devaris is talented at magic is like saying a fish is talented at swimming. I've gotten quite good at survival here in my hell too. But my best talent, I think.... Ah fuck, I forgot already. Damm, anyways, my second best talent is making soup."

Where were you born?

"The Devaris island, which hovers approximately 200 meters above the city of Unity."

Do you have any pets?

"If I had, I'd have eaten the poor thing already. Spiders and tree sap get quite tiresome after a while."

What sort of sports do you play?

"I'm a dab hand at solitaire, though I think if I play one more round, I'll smash my head into a rock. I did track when I was young, I suppose. Ma always wanted me to go out for wrestling because of how big I was, but I couldn't stand fighting."

How tall are you?

"6'8". Yes, the weather's nice."

What was your favourite subject in school?

"It should've been magic. I love magic. It's my blood, my purpose, my curse and my blessing. But, I always found my mind craving literature, even so. I wanted stories, as frivolous as they are. Were? Are. They were real then."

What is your dream job?

"I don't care what I spend my days with, I want to get out. I want to be free, absolved, forgiven. I want to leave my hell. I want him to stop screaming. I know he's not real - right? - but that doesn't stop the noise. But to do that, I need a bridge. By use of the bottle method, it's theorized that a mage could shift the frequency of one strain of magic to match another. Harmonic magi-radial frequencies can initiate a Naldervon cascade, similar to the effect of a teleportarion ritual. If gravitational drift is factored in, then by taking the derivative of the Naldervon cascade number, found by way of a Tamm reading and plugging the value into Fendessi's equation-"

Anyways, love that guy. He's like if Castaway was way more fucked up. I'll tag @finickyfelix @ettawritesnstudies @elsie-writes @inky-duchess and anyone else who wants in :)

Blanks below

Are you named after anyone? When was the last time you cried? Do you have kids? Do you use sarcasm a lot? What’s the first thing you notice about people? What’s your eye colour? Scary movies or happy endings? Any special talents? Where were you born? Do you have any pets? What sort of sports do you play? How tall are you? What was your favourite subject in school? What is your dream job?

[theshotsheardacrossworlds]

WIP Sunday

This snippet is part of a 5-times-1-time fic with Agi and Astarion. It's very NSFW lol.

“Agi darling, I had Karlach test this chair with Lae’zel on one thigh and Shadowheart on the other. We’ll be fine!” Astarion explained for what he thought was the hundredth time. He remembered another spawn (Leon, I believe) saying that chair sex was good for women like my beautiful, voluptuous girl. Soooo that’s why I had the ladies test this chair for its sturdiness. “Agnetha dear?”

His lover stared at him like he grew a second head. “Alright, let’s just say that the chair won’t break,” It won’t but go ahead. “What if I hurt you? There’s a pretty significant weight difference between us, if I’m being honest.”

He raised a white eyebrow. “My love, I’m already dead---your fat ass isn’t going to kill me.” He drawled; eyes locked onto hers.

She opened and closed her mouth several times.

“Darling, you’re not a fish.” He teased. “Now granted, you’d be a delightful fish, but…” He walked to her and reached for her face. “If you don’t wish to try this, then it’s fine. But please know you won’t hurt me or break the chair. I promise.” Believe me. Please believe me. If I thought for a moment this wouldn’t be alright, then I wouldn’t have even considered it. You deserve all the pleasure I can give you. You deserve it all.

“If you’re sure, then…I can give it a try.” She gave him a quick kiss before they undressed, and Astarion sat down. Lowering herself slowly, Agnetha squeezed her eyes shut as he entered her. “O-oh fuck me…gods…Star!” My face is in her tits! There’s no better place to be. Once he was fully hilted inside her, she began to rock her hips and moaned wantonly. She never does this. I am full of the very best ideas! She cupped the back of his head, her fingers running through his curls. “This feels…so good, love…” Her eyes then burst open, as if she was remembering something important. “Are you—”

He pressed several kisses to her jaw and neck as his hands roamed her back. “Sh, sh, sh, none of that now. Take your pleasure, sweetness. There’s a good girl.” I said the magic words, which means she’ll be coming apart shortly. My darling girl…

[undead-potatoes]

@black-rose4 replied to your post "Would you be able to tell me about your HoF? 🙏"

v. important question: how's she feel about Leske? also about the sky and generally being top side?

Leske is... complicated, to say the least. They were literal partners in crimes for years, and he was probably the closest friend Nimri had. I imagine he would have to tone down his talk about Rica tho, lest Nimri turn him into an origami swan lmao

Nimri is someone who is loyal to a fault, it's kinda of a core tenant of her personality, and she does (subconsciously) expect the same from others in return. Leske's betrayal hit her HARD, and his death even harder. She's so filled with anger and grief and frustration, it's all just a big mess and she doesn't know how to sort any of it.

She's angry at him for being such a spineless and fickle coward. She's devastated someone she loves is dead. And maybe worst of all, she has to grapple with the guilt, knowing that she got away while he was left behind to deal with her mess. Of course he'd end up where he did - in Dust Town you do what you have to just to survive.

The surface had almost made her forget so much of her old life, how fucking miserable and shitty everything was. The year she'd spent topside had really started to bring her out of her shell, but returning to Orzammar immediately started to undo all of that. Leske's death was simply the final drop that sent her back into complete emotional lockdown.

Nimri still thinks about him, decades later, never quite getting over her anger andgrief. I still miss you, you dumb piece of shit.

- - -

The surface, on the other hand, is amazing.

It took her a moment to get used to literally everything, but things are so much better topside. Up there she's just "a dwarf", treated like any other unimportant ham-and-egger. If someone is rude or treats her like shit, they're just regular assholes. No-one assumes or judges her based on her brand, the mark that has defined her whole life.

Being treated like a normal ass person for the first time in her life really gave her a different outlook on things, and was crucial in both radicalizing her further, as well as her road to patch together her mental health. Being re-traumatized every day of your life while everyone tells you how much of a worthless piece of shit you are does tend to have a negative impact on your mental health, surprisingly enough.

But oh my god, the food. Bread made with real grain, fresh fruit and vegetables, clean water falling from the sky and running down clear streams. You can just walk into any old forest and find a bounty of food waiting for you - the first time Leliana stopped to show her a raspberry bush on the side of a road it rocked Nimri's entire world. Fish is gross tho, you can keep the fish.

Weather's a bit of a mixed bag. A little rain? Good, refreshing. A lot of rain? Cold, very muddy, sucks ass. The sun is pretty, but the sunburns are brutal. Snow is just straight up magic, until it caves your tent roof in at 4 in the morning. She's always cold, but that's less of a problem once she's sandwiched between her two living space heaters, Alistair and Rabbit the mabari.

The surface gives her room to just exist, like she's more of a person and less like a cornered animal. She goes to bed with a full stomach more often than not. She gets to read and draw and stargaze in the cool summer grass. She trusts her companions to have her back, even when things go sideways. Things are good, better than they've ever been in Orzammar, even with a Blight raging on in the background.