#and their fucking magic rock fish god

[desicanary]

Some thoughts after finishing the double that I need to expel from my consciousness:

1. I haven't enjoyed a show so much in a while. It had all the drama, and it didn't sacrifice it for the romance

2. Princess Wanning! She killed her dad and I think that was queen shit. She should have killed more people, frankly. She deserves to do so much murder

3. Shen Yurong how I hate you. This man is not only a murderer and a coward, he's also incompetent. None of his plans have ever worked. Mans couldn't manage to successfully kill his wife even if every god were on his side. I loved every time Xue Fangfei did psychic damage to him simply by existing

4. Xue Fangfei! Xue Li! Jiang Li! Xiao Limao! A'Li! Many other terms of address I've missed! She truly is that girl. She is gaslight gatekeep girl boss. She's a girl's girl. She stabbed a man in the dick 7 times. She has the man who once called her a pawn wrapped around her pinkie. When her man tells her he has to get into a political marriage for the nation she says do it then, and then he has to admit he was never gonna. She inflicted +9999999999999 damage on those who wronged her and Jiang Li. She can't fight to save her life (as evident) but can and will confuse her opponent into tripping over their own nonexistent shoelaces

5. I loved the progression of the relationship between A'Li and Xiao Heng. They weren't immediately lovers or friends. They fully used each other until they were willing to be used. The chemistry, the flirting, it's too much and too good. Also, Xiao Heng serves. See: the fans, the fucking gold plated murder fan, a walk-in closet full of capes, the most dramatic entrances known to cdramas, and all the audacity

6. BUT what were the last 20 minutes! They don't exist to me! My buddies Wen Ji and Lu Ji are watching their boss embarass himself at Duke Su's mansion and sharing in the hot goss, to me

7. Plus, I've gotta be missing something about the Longwu army. I do not understand them at all. Not a single one of them would survive the Nuremberg precedent. Not only are they not guided by ethics and morals, they're also not guided by loyalty or revenge or anger or hate or any understandable motivation. Instead, they're guided by a rock carving of a fish. wut. They find out the dude holding the fish works for the guy who betrayed and killed their general, their comrades, and even some of their family. And their response is: "How could they?!?!?! But we still have to listen to them because they have the fish!" Truly what. Someone explain this all-powerful rock fish to me

8. I do think that the Jiangs deserved more. And by more I mean worse. I think Xue Li should have told Jiang Yuanbai exactly how Jiang Li lived and died, and that she hated him for his negligence. I think she should have told the grandma too. They had their hand in this and they deserve to feel the full weight of Jiang Li's life and death and hatred

9. Also Jiang Yuanbai being like "It's not that I didn't know what was going on at home it's just that I was so busy working for the nation uwu". Sir, disrespectfully, no. You had not a clue. And if you did, that makes it worse. Like "Oh no! I'm so busy working that I have no choice but to let my wife frame my 8 yr old for her own attempted murder! The murder of the same stepmom that she, until yesterday, adored! Oh well, I gotta go to work so I'll just let that happen and abandon her for 10 years until politics makes it necessary for me to bring her home! And I'll feel really bad about abandoning her now, but I'll also never believe a single word out her mouth!" Actually, I think he should be hunted for sport

10. Anyway, that got off track! But I love this show, and how even the antagonists have arcs and backstories and aren't countering our girl just cuz. I love the fleshed out characters, all the looks it serves, the drama, and the adorable Wen Ji and Lu Ji and Jiang Jingrui

[stevieschrodinger]

This is not how Steve wanted to spend his afternoon.

Actually, he’s found himself doing a lot of things he hasn't wanted to since Starcourt burned down but, honestly, this is probably right up there.

God it’s disgusting.

But he had to try. All the kids had looked at him with their stupid hang dog faces, so he said he’d try. Which is why he’s at lovers lake, freezing his ass off in the water and nipple deep into the shrubbery, ripping slimy crappy weeds and grass out of the muddy lake bed.

At least Robin got in with him. She’s shivering in her bathing suit, but she’s gamely holding onto the cooler as it floats in the water, so at least there’s that.

The bin full Upside Down vines next to the tank hadn't made much sense at the time, but it became apparent pretty fucking fast when the fish creature in Steve’s pool hadn’t eaten for forty eight hours, and Steve was now, finally, sober enough and not concussed enough to put two and two together.

Hopefully this works though; all the kids have, obviously, become immediately like, fucking pack bonded with the thing. Man. Fish Man.

El and Max keep insisting he’s a mermaid – Merman? Merdude? - like he’s something out of a fairy tail and is all magical and shit.

Steve takes a breath and ducks down again, having felt something hairy and frond like with his exploring toes.

“You think this is enough? Like as a fair test?” Robin rocks the half full cooler forward and Steve peeks in.

And alright, Steve just doesn’t want to fucking be here at all, so he says, “yep, looks good,” as they share a lightly guilty look.

It might not work at all, of course, so their wanting to give up is legitimate. They can always come back when it’s warmer if the fish man does eat this shit.

He certainly isn’t interested in the raw fish the kids have been trying to feed him – Steve’s going to be eating fish for a fucking month with what’s in his freezer now, and don’t those reprobates realize the price of fucking prawns??

The fish man wasn’t interested in meat either, not raw, not cooked – even though Dustin insisted that because of his ‘forward facing eyes’, ‘claws,’ and ‘slightly pointed teeth,’ he must be a predator Steve! The vines must have just been for, in his tank, or whatever, Steve!

Whatever.

Steve’s here to prove them wrong, and Robin’s backing him up.

The kids have gone home when they get back, which is a fucking relief. Even with the heaters in the car on full, Steve still feels cold in his bones. His skin warm and tingly, but the shivers still locked inside; him and Robin head for separate bathrooms without even really talking about it, fishboy has survived this long, he can do another twenty minutes.

Steve finds the biggest sting of kelpy weedy seaweedy stuff from the lake, and drags the tip of it in the pool. It’s dark out, the light from in the house reflecting on the surface of the pool, making it impossible to see where the creature might be hiding; until he disturbs the surface, a few seconds later.

Steve splashes the end in the water, “here fishy fishy fishy.”

“Steve,” Robin elbows him.

“What, it’s not like he has a name,” Steve doesn’t look at her though, he’s watching that strange pair of eyes come closer. They reflect the light strangely, like a wild animal in the headlights. His dark hair is plastered to the top of his head, being wet, and everything else is submerged.

Steve knows he can breathe fine for at least an hour out of the water though; that’s how long the rescue took. And then the bathtub; he was fine in there for a day while they drained the pool of chlorinated water and refilled it with fresh. And it was easy enough to get him in there; if he was human, Steve would say that fish dude was starving to death. Concave stomach, all his ribs clearly visible, pale flesh pulled too tight over the knobs of his spine. Steve had lifted him easily, the sad curl of his dull black tail hardly adding any weight to him. He felt frail, breakable; like a bird.

If there’s any lingering chemical in there, it doesn’t seemed to have hurt fishguy, but then a creature from the upside down must be tolerant to plenty, Steve thinks, imagining the constant fall of ashy dust from the dark sky.

The creature cautiously approaches, and when he’s near enough, there’s a gentle tug on the weed, like the most cautious of bites on a line. Steve lets go, and both fish guy and weed disappear under the water.

“Do you think it worked?” Robin whispers, like they’re viewing a skittish wild animal. Which, they kind of are.

“Don’t know,” Steve whispers back, unable to stop himself. There’s just something about someone whispering to you that’s irresistible; it’s like an unavoidable instinct to follow suit.

“How will we know if it’s worked?”

“Dunno. Try another? See if he takes it?” Steve’s just about to break open the cooler again when the head pops up. All of it, this time.

He has dark hair. So dark it looks black; thick and ropey, it kind of reminds Steve of the vines of the upside down. His face is...pretty much human; just very pale. When he’s got his mouth shut, hiding the slight point of those teeth, nothing would give him away.

He lifts a hand out of the water, offering something to Steve who, gingerly but reflexively, takes it.

It’s the stalk of the weed. The leaves are gone, and the fleshy green of the outside has been carefully stripped off; use for those pointy teeth. Steve guesses all the plant material of the upside down is actually probably quite sturdy and quite hard to eat. It probably also has the nutritional value of wet cardboard.

Steve offers another weed, and the fish dude doesn’t leave this time. Steve watches as he eats; quick, practiced movements, trimming leaves with his claws, rolling them, eating them, then just as Steve suspected, using his sharp teeth to strip the outer stalk of all it’s fleshy wet goodness.

Steve doesn’t shudder at the thought of the mud at the bottom of Lovers Lake.

“Steve one, Henderson zero,” Robin says quietly, the fish man tipping his head to the side, as if he’s listening. Steve’s seen it a lot, the amount that the kids chatter at him, but the fish guy tends to stay at the other end of the pool to them. Watching. Nervous, and frightened, if Steve had to put a label on it.

But then, wouldn’t anyone be? Stolen from your world by unrecognizable creatures in hazmat suits. Shoved in a tank. Probably experimented on.

The whole thing sounds shitty.

Steve offers another weed, and the fish guy repeats the process, floating closer still, “Robin, humor me, go and see what’s in the crisper drawer.”

She follows his logic immediately, “on it.”

Steve watches the creature, the fish man, and the fish man watches Robin warily, moving away from the edge again a little, but coming back when Steve offers another frond.

He takes it, strips it, hands it back.

“We need a name for you man, I can’t just keep calling you ‘fish dude’ and ‘creature’ in my head.”

Steve looks over at the house, figuring he has another minute before Robin comes back, he taps the middle of his chest, fishguys strangely gimlet eyes tracking to movement from his too thin face, “Steve.”

Nothing. He tries again, pointing to himself and tapping, “Steve,” and then pointing to the creature, trying to get him to understand.

Fish guy swims a little closer, raising a hand out of the water. Steve sees the stubby but pointy black claws, like little ovals on the end of his fingers. His webbed fingers, Steve sees next, webbing stretched between them up to the first knuckle. He hesitates for a moment, but Steve doesn’t move, wanting to see where this is going.

Fish guy points cautiously at the center of Steve’s chest, close but not touching, lifting far enough out of the water to reveal protruding collar bones. He opens his mouth, and Steve watches with baited breath, fish guy frowning like he’s concentrating, such a human emotion on his face.

Footsteps, then, and he drops back into the water, backing away into the middle of the pool, sinking down so only his eyes are visible. Steve remembers to breathe; he’s not imagining it, something was about to happen. But he can try again tomorrow, once Robin has gone.

“I got some lettuce and some frozen peas,” she whisper hisses at him as she sits again, handing them over.

“Gimme the lettuce,” that seems like the next nearest thing to Steve.

Part two

[that-house]

“Tell me about magic,” I said to the god wearing my friend’s corpse.

It (I would not grant it the honor of using her name) smiled at me the way she used to smile. It looked like shit, by the way, streaked with mud and blood and slowly spinning new flesh from atmospheric carbon to patch up the bullet holes our latest acquaintances had left it.

“I know every word in your human languages and none of them suffice. How would you explain a black hole’s accretion disk to a fish?”

“I don’t know. Try.” I didn’t bother voicing the threat but it was implicit, as it was in all of our conversations: your kind has died only once before, but it was at the hands of mine.

It sighed with the weariness of a parent about to talk down to a kid, but it signed up for this when it trapped itself on this rock with me. “It’s a puzzle that’s almost been solved since forever began, a puzzle of infinite complexity worked on by the million sharpest minds to ever be, all themselves fractured into dizzying arrays of subminds in temporally upspun pocket universes, all striving to refine those secret arts of law and mastery. It’s cooperation and competition, vines of knowledge strangling each other as we reach ever upwards towards the sun, clawing at each other in our desperate want. It’s a science. It’s like breathing. It’s like love.”

“I distinctly recall you saying that love is an idiocy reserved for us mortals, and a more efficient chemically-induced blindness than sodium hydroxide too.”

“And I maintain that stance, but it gets the point across, does it not?” It huffed with exasperation, you know, the way that she had a thousand times when we were young. An affectation? Or a bit of humanity bleeding into the monster?

“Mhm. Sure.”

It side-eyed me but kept talking. “You don’t have the point of view it would take to truly understand magic. You never will. Even if you saw the world the way I did, you wouldn’t have the context or the time to decipher it. For you it can never be a science, only ever an art.”

“You say that like it’s a bad thing.”

“In truth I envied you. With infinity at one’s proverbial fingertips, what else is there to do? The greatest possible workings have all been deduced, those most absolute and inviolable inflictions of the will upon the cosmos, and all that remains to study are the fleeting shadows of concepts beyond even us. But you humans, you tread on new ground that we’ve long since mastered, internalized, and then forgotten. The best you can manage without literally blowing your own minds is a little teleportation. You’re clueless and flawed and you fuck it all up whenever you get the chance. And I envied you.” For a creature enamored with paradox, the idea of a god envying a mortal sure pained it.

“So you cut it all free, cast off the godhead, and came down from on high to slum it with we mortals. I bet you’re regretting that now,” I said, sticking my finger in the last bullet hole and giving it an experimental wiggle. It winced, but the wound closed up like it had never been as I withdrew my finger. Pain is a just a signal, it was always fond of saying. But it still cried whenever it lost a limb.

“Not in the slightest,” said the once-god wearing my friend’s corpse. “This is the most alive I’ve felt in eons.”

[peaterookie]

Lupin Week 2024 Day 4: AUs and Mythology

Goemon's face looks like he's seen a ghost.

ahhhh god ok my stupid stupid silly au i made a year ago.... this will be a bit long so get ready

tldr: lupin died, the gang is alive. goemon finds lupin but he's a shark merman!? and lupin remembers nothing!!!

long version:

so this AU follows upon the story of shin lupin, which basically, the gang gets killed off by zenigata because he rigged an island full of explosives.

instead of them all dying however, lupin decides to knock the gang unconscious and find a way for them to escape off the island safely, leaving only him in the island to die.

the rest of the gang had no idea how they escaped and assumed that lupin had sacrificed himself for them. they woke up adrifted on the ocean until they eventually got picked up by a ship where the invisible captain from new adventures returns. but ah ill spare the details for another day

---

2 years have passed and the gang just kinda separated to do their own thing. we'll only focus on goemon cuz he's the featured character of this comic.

goemon decided to escape the life of crime that has burdened him for years living as a part of the lupgang. he's mostly a wanderer now and tries to do good and help people along the way

funnily enough, goemon is not the first person to find lupin, but I'll talk about this later. but goemon is definitely very mixed about seeing his friend who he thought was dead for years. he doesn't know whether to be happy or worried.

---

lupin, at the brink of death after the explosion, plummets down the ocean and wakes up one day, feeling like he's been rebirthed!

essentially, lupin became a merman because right before he could die, his body (i mean what's left of it 💀) interacted with a magic crystal that has the ability to grant life to a living being.

It's really rare, but it exists in clusters deep in the ocean floor or- deep under the rocks of an island :) you can say im bullshitting, which i am but i dont think exploding an entire island down to every rock has happened before, so it can kinda make sense why something so coincidental about these crystals could happen. (I AM TOTALLY MAKING EXCUSES I JUST WANTED TO MAKE LUPIN A MERMAN.)

and so these crystals used whats left of lupins body and reassembled him back, and idk other essences of the ocean to make him a merman!

the memories of his past life have definitely been buried deep inside his brain to the point he can't remember any of it though, so he thinks that he was born under the ocean and has lived there for his entire life. other than that he retains almost everything about himself, down to stealing stupid shit and messing with humans just for the fucks of it. he's kinda seen as like a nessie.

---

anyways, y'know how i said goemon wasn't the first one to meet lupin? that's because lupin has met zenigata before!

living a life with only fishes around means lupin's kinda lonely and likes to stalk humans sometimes. the interaction with him and zenigata did not end well though, and lupin has no idea why zeni wants him dead so much.

after that he's way more cautious around people that look like zenigata- hatted big men with guns. its gonna be fun once he sees jigen.

ok what else... i think that's all i want to reveal now. will i do more of this? maybe. maybe not. kinda embarrassed of this because of how silly it is but i hope you people find this interesting! byebye

[utilitycaster]

look, I know polls are silly and fun and so I want you to understand writing this rant is silly and fun for me but EMON? Emon is the Critical Role Entry for Most Place of All Time? I must call bullshit. And so:

Friends, fellow critters, and people who have me blocked but hate read my blog each morning over breakfast: Emon is not even the Most Place on the Material Plane. It is not even the Most Place in Tal'Dorei. Hell, it's not even the Most Place on the fucking Bladeshimmer Shoreline, which includes a destroyed city now overtaken by bandits, and a cave system that hosts both a rift to the Far Realm and a different rock than residuum that can make a different magical drug than suude. Emon is if you took the aggressively mid vibes of Washington, DC and transplanted them to the inconvenient location and city of refuge for flaky people who avoid gluten for non-medical reasons of Los Angeles. The second Percival Frederickstein von Musel Klossowski de Rolo III invents the motorcar that sumbitch is going to have traffic bad enough to summon Tharizdun. Also there's a literal pit of fire that's been burning for 30 years that both hasn't been adequately addressed but also doesn't really seem that interesting. Like oh a bunch of dragons destroyed your city? Big deal. Draconia got so fucked up it doesn't exist anymore, and at least Westruun has some fucking charm. At least Pike and Grog actually lived there, whereas Vox Machina got a house in Emon and proceeded to spend their time literally anywhere else.

Here is a brief list of places on the planet of Exandria in the Material Plane - not even across Critical Role's main campaigns/EXU, which includes such non-Exandrian places as "living city of people who mind-melded and escaped to the Astral Sea during a century-plus-long war of the gods"; "Ligament Manor"; "Ryn's groovy pied-a-feu, man I wonder what made the scorch marks on that furniture, anyway", and "THE MOON THAT IS ACTUALLY AN PRISON FOR A THING THAT EATS GODS AND IS POSSIBLY HATCHING" - that are more of a place than Emon:

Jrusar: 5 spires no waiting, sweet cable car system, city almost entirely destabilized by goo creatures as part of an overly complicated plot to blow up the aforementioned moon

Bassuras: (literally "garbagetown") Run by Mad Max gangs and everyone is cool with it; regular sandstorms; one of those gangs apparently sits atop a hive mind and NO ONE has examined this (except for them)?)

Whitestone: has a tree planted by one god over a buried temple to another god that was corrupted in the name of a third, shittier god; overrun by zombies but it's fine now; streetlights and two bears that are allowed to do whatever the fuck they want.

Yios: The canal system of Venice meets the colleges per capita of Boston meets the orcs from your fantasies, also there's some kind of kitchen-based organized crime ring so intricate it could be its own campaign (so, also like Boston).

Vasselheim: literally no one understands what the fuck its government system is. Old as balls. Temples everywhere! Temples full of trees. Temples full of blood! Temples full of an old guy who will kick your ass. A sphinx that regulates the monster hunter mini-game. Presumably the giant titan full of the ancient cannibal dwarf city is like, still there, as a new fixture, since I don't see how they're moving that.

The arctic: where teleportation doesn't work, there's a river of lava in the middle of the snow, ancient ruins full of snow globes full of actual people, and the Chaos Bisexual Emerald - and that's just a smattering of what Eiselcross has to offer.

Since this is about space and not time we can toss Aeor and Avalir too, since they once were places, and while we're at it whatever the fuck is going on with the Shattered Teeth and its permanent fog cloud and fish dream cult and capitalist shipwrecked merchants.

And, of course, any arbitrary square millimeter of Wildemount, frankly, has more Mostness than the entirety of Emon could muster under absolutely ideal conditions. But for the sake of one place per region, let's hand it to Rosohna (city of eternal night for practical purposes, built over the Evil God Headquarters); Uthodurn (underground! Giant goats! Elves and dwarves, living together, mass hysteria!); Hupperdook (steampunk gnome party city); Nicodranas (Fjord, Jester, Veth, Marion, and Yussa literally all live there at once; plumbing used to be courtesy of an imprisoned marid...but watch out); and Blightshore (Blightshore).

In conclusion: Emon is boring, nominating it was a mistake, there are literally sealed gods in other parts of the world and also way better taverns, good night, and what the fuck.

[billthedrake]

FISHING TRIP

(mmmmh)

(hmph) Can't sleep either, buddy?

[quietly] No sir.

Guess this bed is kind of hard.

It's not that Dad. I'm... well, I'm kind of horny.

When are you ever not... oh jeez, yeah you're rock hard all right. I thought I took care of this bad boy pretty well.

You did, Dad. Only, I was thinking how we have the place all to ourselves. Not having to hide this.

We have all week, Will.

It gets me hard hearing you say that, Dad.

(growls in bedroom voice) Well, we have all fucking week, son.

I like hearing you cuss.

Yeah?

It's a strange thing I guess, but growing up you never did around us. Even if you got real mad.

(Breathes excitedly) I'm fucking you, Will. So you'll probably be hearing a lot of inappropriate things from my mouth.

Fuck!

God that dick's so hard... pressing into me. Come on, son, feel me up.

Love it Dad.

Scoot closer... there, that's it. Feel your old man's cock.

It made me sir.

Damn straight. Made you and took your cherry.

Best night of my life Dad.

(Kisses)

Fuck... you're pretty hard, too, sir.

Listen to who's talking like a sailor now.

(Laughs) I remember you grounded my ass the first time I dropped the f-bomb.

You were testing our authority. Cocky little shit.

I was just craving some attention, Dad.

(More kisses)

Damn, boy. You kiss your cheerleader girlfriends like that?

Unf, fuck.... I usually have to go softer with them, Dad. More like this... (soft, slow kissing) See...?

You can feel it, right, Will?

Oh yeah. That made you even harder. Jesus, that cock is like steel now, Dad.

Can't believe I can get up again already, actually. I'm 48 and not a teen.

You're a stud, Dad. A real fucking stud.

Damn... those fingers feel nice, son. OK if we just take our time? Just feel each other like this before getting to the main event?

(chuckles) What's the main event, Dad?

You know damn well, you little tease.

(More kissing, longer this time)

You like that, sir.

Goddamn, buddy. That cheerleader kiss of yours drives me wild.

Is that what is, Dad? The "cheerleader kiss"?

I'll say. French kissing your father like we're on a first date.

Oh fuck!

Guess that's your magic button, buddy. I can feel that steel rod in my fist twitch like crazy.

One of my buttons, sir. You keep showing me more.

It's just day one of our fishing trip.

Almost day two. What time is it even?

I dunno. Three? Four in the morning? We've not even been here twelve hours and we've already had sex twice.

Gonna make it three times, sir?

Grr... fuck, yeah. (kisses) You know, your mother and I never have sex three times in a night.

Real honeymoon sex, right, Dad?

You got it, buddy.

(more kissing)

Nice, Dad... I think you're getting the cheerleader kiss down, yourself.

(chuckles) I got some more experience in the sack than you, remember?

I can't forget. You got a thirty year head start on me, sir.

Hmm... damn you have an incredible bod, buddy. Just leave feeling ya up.

Feel away sir. Won't ever get sick of it. Promise.

(Kissing)

I'm leaking now.

Yessir. So wet.

Hm, why don't you climb on, buddy? Or are you too sore?

A little sore. But a good sore, you know?

I do.

(Surprised) Dad... you ever... you know, get fucked?

It's been a while, buddy. But there have been a couple of men who've done me like that. Years ago.

Maybe I can... if you'd let me.

It's probably gonna happen, son. This week. But right now, I really need inside ya.

Yessir.

Inside my baby boy.

Not a baby anymore, Dad.

That you're not, kiddo. Big stud jock.

God, you're so hard... and wet.

My lacrosse jock son.

(chuckles) You like being a lacrosse dad?

In more ways than one. I love being there for ya, Will.

I love having you there, Dad. At the games. And after.

Fuck. You're so tight. Even still.

I'm glad. Want this to be good for you, Dad.

You have no fucking idea, baby boy.

Three times in one night, Dad. I have a pretty good idea.

I'm gonna have a hard time keeping up with you, stud.

We'll see Dad. You can hold your own... fuck, you feel big.

I'm not too big, son.

You try sitting on one this size. Shit.

We don't gotta, kiddo.

Like hell we don't. Just let me go slow.

You got this, Will.

Unngh.

That hole is real fucking wet.

You made it like that, Dad.

What did you call it? Honeymoon sex.

Fuck!

Oh yeah, you're opening up for me buddy. Yeah... just like that.

Fuck me, Dad.

And we got a whole week of this.

A whole fucking week, sir.

If I can get it up after a day of this.

We'll probably need some sleep too, Dad.

Probably.

(bed rocks)

God, yeah, Dad. Pump into me.

Ride me, son. Ride your daddy.

I love holding onto you, sir. All of you.

I'm not a lean young jock like you.

You're perfect, Dad. All of you.

(bed rocks harder, springs squeaking)

God fucking damn.

Ung! You got some real power behind that beef. Fuck!

(grins)

(lets go of his cock)

Too much?

Don't wanna cum yet. At least not before you.

It's gonna take me a little longer this round. Sorry, kiddo.

Take as long as you want, Dad. You're in me, and that's all I care about.

Fuck, that ass is incredible. Wet and silky.

Better than mom?

You should ask me that, kiddo.

I know. Just like getting you worked up.

(bed squeaking)

Holy... fucking... shit... son!

UGGGH

(bed sounds slow down, then stop)

Whoo... let’s take a break.

Yeah.

(soft kissing)

Gonna roll us over buddy.

Yep. You're more a missionary guy, Dad?

At least to finish off. I like doing the driving, you know.

Yeah, I know.... UNNGH... fuck yeah, Dad. Nail my ass.

You... got it... kiddo. Daddy needs a fuck.

Not been four hours since our last.... oh shit.

That your spot, kiddo? Daddy gonna punch your spot?

(incoherent moans)

Let it out, baby boy. Just us up here in this cabin....

Oh Dad! Oh fuck.

Father and son... fucking like bunnies. Like newlyweds.

I'm gonna...

Let it all out, son.

Oh fuck, OH FUCK!

Your dad's cumming too, Will. Cumming up your sweet hole.. GODDAMN!

(heavy breathing, then kissing)

That was incredible, Dad.

You got that right, son. Jesus.

No... don't pull out yet.... I like having you on top of me.

I'm not too heavy?

A little, Dad. But I like it.

Oh fuck... shit. I can feel your cum between us.

Ha. I can smell it too.

(kissing)

You getting sleepy, buddy?

Not really. I guess we have an early morning ahead. What time we gotta get up for fishing.

There's probably not much fishing gonna get done this week, is there, buddy?

No sir. Just fucking and sleeping.

Six more days of it.

You're getting soft, Dad.

I told ya, buddy. I'm 48. And that was round number three.

No, I like it. For real. Like feeling you slip out of me.

You're something else, kiddo.

Can I ask a favor of you, Dad?

(settles back down onto the mattress) Sure, Will.

This week, sometime... I want you to share a secret with me.

You mean something other than the fact I'm fucking my own son?

(chuckles) Besides that.

I'll think it over. Think of something.

Tired?

Fraid so. You drained it out of your old man.

Just tell me if I'm being a pest at any point.

You're not being a pest, Will.

(softly) You asleep, Dad?

(groggy, deep voiced) Not yet. Not far off.

Can I feel your cock one more time?

Um hm.

Nice. I like feeling it soft too. My dad's cock.

Hmmm.

Love ya, Dad.

Love you, too, son.

[dingochef]

Pairing: Jake "Hangman" Seresin x You (OFC)

Warnings: Swearing, Smut (MDNI 18+ Only), Angst with a Happy Ending, Stalking, P in V, oral (female and male receiving), Semi-public sex, light spanking,

Word Count: 3.8k

Summary: A girl's night out gets steered in a different direction, much to your disgruntlement. You meet the human version of a Ken doll, who happens to be a Naval Aviator and are not impressed.

Masterlist

Chapter 1: Lieutenant Mansplain

You're on your way back from the bathroom when you see that the table you left your two friends at is now empty.  Scanning around the bar you spot Lydia’s unmistakable red hair in a sea of khaki clad bodies around the pool table.  This was supposed to be a stereotypical “Girls Night Out” to help soothe Beth’s (the other friend lost to military uniforms and god knows what else) recently broken heart. 

You were looking forward to it after the week you had at work.  The good news was that the latest Darkstar prototype had made it Mach 10, the bad news was that it vaporized somewhere over the Sierra Nevada mountains. By some divine reason or mostly the life preservation pod that you had worked months on worked exactly as designed and the pilot survived without injury.  The pod had worked a lot better than the heat shielding had. Such was life working for Lockheed Martin's legendary Skunk Works.  The cutting edge of aircraft design meant big successes and failures.  

Instead, Lydia has turned it into a fishing expedition, the girl has a serious military kink and was probably drawn in by some tractor beam to all the uniforms, nametags, and those ribbon thingies you can never remember the correct name for.  Sighing deeply, you walk up to the bar and catch Penny’s attention for another gin and tonic, you're going to need it for the long extraction mission that awaits you around the pool table.  As you wait, you look over and see the usual pilot stereotypes, (yup, they’re pilots - unmistakable with gold wings on their chest and aviator sunglasses hanging from their collars.)  Posted up in the corner on a bar stool messily eating popcorn is the only guy wearing glasses; you peg him as a flyover state guy who probably married his highschool sweetheart. Most likely a WSO, he seems too unassuming to be a pilot.  Beth is talking to him more out of boredom than anything other motivation.  She's watching Lydia work her magic out of the corner of her eye.  Leaned over the pool table is a brunette gal with her hair pulled back into a bun so severe it makes your head ache in sympathy looking at it; she’s got a coy smile on her face as she sinks the last ball to win the pool game.  The vibe she gives off is all confidence with a touch of “I’ll be nice and not kick your ass” along with a bit of sweetness.

You'll probably get along well.  She is rolling her eyes at Lydia’s attempt to engage a rather tall guy with scrubby hair and an unexplainable mustache out of a porno from the 70s.  He had to have lost a bet to have that mustache, right?  Whatever Lydia is rolling out, this guy is reeling in.  Odds are 3:1 that Lydia will fuck that guy in the back of her Subaru before the night is over.  You make a mental note to ask if she brought condoms next time you get near her.  

Thankfully your G&T slides across the bar to your waiting hand.  Penny leans over and says over the classic rock blaring out of the jukebox, “Lydia’s up to it again, you want to bet on it?”  You roll your eyes and laugh darkly, 

“Not this time, it’s already a done deal the way they’re looking.”  

The pornstacher (as he has been named in your head) has his hands on Lydia’s hips and is leaning down to whisper something in her ear.  You shake your head, grab your  drink, and take a hefty pull from the only thing that is going to make this next hour of your life bearable.  Penny shouts over the noisy bar, “Good luck!”  

“Here we go again,” you mutter to yourself as you make your way over to the corner.

Walking over to the pool table to hopefully get your friends back on track for the original mission which was supposedly to include too many girlie shots, trash talking men, and some karaoke if you made it that far before needing to call an Uber. Lost in your thoughts, you collide with another form wearing the ubiquitous khaki.  Before you know it, your  drink, your liquid sanity is now dripping down the front of your shirt and onto the very broad chest of a very tall blond man with freakishly green eyes.  

“God damn it,” you shout. It’s your  go to swear of choice.  The blond guy steadies you with hand on your  upper arm and says with a noticeable twang, 

“Well that’s one way to guarantee I buy the prettiest gal in here a drink, let me get you a new one.  What’s your poison?”  

The way he smiles after what he thinks is his witty retort is straight from a 1950s toothpaste commercial.  You can hear the “ding” and almost see the animated sparkle.  You roll your eyes, and say, 

“I’ll take a replacement, thank you. Just know that’s the only drink you’ll be buying me tonight.  Gin and Tonic,  tell Penny it’s for Elsa and she’ll know which gin to use.”  

He laughs, “Ice queen in name and presence.  

"I loathe that movie with an undying passion."

“Well, Icy, I’ll be back in a few and we can get to know each other a little bit better.”  He smiles that damn toothpaste commercial smile again and heads over to the bar.  

Finally, you reach Lydia and she is just starting to reel in pornstacher with her usual playbook.  Laughing too loud at jokes that can't possibly be that funny, her silly little slap to his chest that lingers a bit too long, leaning way too far in to hear what he’s saying.  It’s a really well defined plan, she could package it and sell it given her success rate.  

“Hey, Lydia!” you shout over the music, some bastard has played Slow Ride for the second time in 20 minutes.  She leans out from the bar stool she’s sitting on while the pornstacher's hands still are attached to her waist.  

“Elsa!  Glad you found us!  Here, meet everybody!”  she says like she’s greeting you at the door for a dinner party.  Lydia definitely had the social talent to get people together wherever she went. 

She nods at pornstacher, 

“This is Rooster, he’s a pilot.” 

You're not sure if Rooster is a better name for him in your  head.  He nods at you in recognition.  She points over to flyover state guy and says, 

“That’s Bob, he’s a wizzo-wizard thingy.”  

Rooster laughs as she trips over the words partly because she gives zero fucks about what he actually does and her third or fourth cosmo is definitely hitting her.  

“At the pool table, that’s Phoenix, next to here is Coyote, then Fanboy, and Payback.”  

“Do any of these people have names that aren’t from American Gladiators?” 

She giggles way too long and then says in mock exasperation, 

“They’re call signs, silly.”  

You dryly respond, 

“I know what call signs are, Lydia.  Remember my dad was a pilot?”  

You look upwards for some kind of divine strength to endure whatever this all is.  You wonder where your drink is and scan the bar for the human Ken doll that owes you a G&T. The way Lydia is attached to Rooster you know this is going to be a long night and you're glad you live within walking distance of the Hard Deck. On cue a deep voice says,

“Here you go, little lady.  Penny knew exactly what you wanted.”

He takes a swig of his beer, and asks, 

“So your dad was a pilot?  Who’d he fly with?”  

You move past your irritation of the phrase, little lady.  It’s true you're definitely short at a whole 5’1" without heels.  Tonight you've got a pair that at least gets you to a respectable 5’5”, which is still nowhere near tall enough to be eye to eye with this guy.  

You breezily say, 

“The Navy.”  

He nods, 

“Well that’s good not sure I could be seen with someone not of the proper lineage.”  He starts in with the usual rapid fire “get to know you” questions, 

“Where are you from?” 

“Michigan,” you offer no other information. 

"You?"

"Texas."

“What brings you here tonight?”  

“It was supposed to be a girl’s night out to help Beth,” you cock your  head to Beth where she and Bob are showing each other pictures of their dogs, you assume. 

“She got dumped by some asshole Marine a few days ago."

He mutters, 

"Figures."

"However, Lydia has taken us on a different path,” you point to Lydia where she and Rooster are proving that personal space isn’t necessary.  you give it 10 minutes before she and Rooster will try to discreetly leave the bar for other activities.  “And that leaves me talking to you while I finish my drink and can hopefully go home and call this night over.”  

“Ouch, am I really that bad to look at and talk to?”

He puts on a mock frown for a second that he is confident makes him look cute before putting on his toothpaste commercial smile.

“I don’t even know your name and I'm not sure I even need to. I’m at the point of the evening where my  feet hurt from these stupid heels and I’m really just ready to go home, take my bra off, put on some comfy pants, and watch some shitty TV before I fall asleep. It's been a week at work." 

You finish your rant with a hefty swig of your drink. The mention of your bra coming off distracts him for a split second before he says, 

“Well, I can solve one of those problems, the name’s Hangman.”  

“Hangman, do you have a name that doesn’t sound like a cartoon character?” 

He laughs just hard enough that you can see the beginnings of laugh lines at the edge of his eyes.  

"Yes, my real name is Jake, Lieutenant Jake Seresin at your service, maam."  

“Okay, Jake.  I’ve got a question for you.  What’s the deal with pornstache, Rooster, or whatever the fuck his name is?  Lydia’s definitely putting out her trap line and he’s hooked on.  Good guy, creeper, weirdly close relationship with his mother, kicks puppies, or punches nuns?  Anything Lydia should be on the lookout for?” 

He laughs again, and says, 

“Naw, Rooster is mostly harmless.  I’m surprised he’s as bold as he is tonight, must be a bit of liquid courage. That’s how he got his call sign.  He can be kind of a chicken shit in the air, and the powers that be wouldn’t let us put “Chicken Shit” as his official call so sign so it had to be amended to be rated G. As for him being horrible,I can attest he leaves cabinet doors open and those awful mustache hairs all over the bathroom as I have the unfortunate luck of being his roommate for this assignment.”  

"My condolences. What about Bob, over there?”  

“He is either the most bland person ever to exist or a serial killer, I can’t figure it out. From one of those corn states Iowa, Nebraska, or whatever.” You were  correct on his point of origin.

This thought makes you laugh as you see Bob and Beth talking a little more animatedly about something that you can't make out from across the pool table.  She’s smiling and actually looks like she’s having a good time, so you resolve to stick it out for a while for Beth’s sake.  

"He married?" you ask in case you need to intervene before Beth's heart is engaged.

The thought makes him almost spit out his beer.  

"Nope. Can you imagine anyone wanting to have sex with him?" 

You nod in agreement.  Beth is now leaning in closer to Bob and her hand is inching closer towards his on the drink rail.

Damn, you'll actually have to make some conversation while you wait this wing-woman assignment out.  You have no worries about Lydia, she’s going to do exactly who or what she wants.  Beth worries you a little more, she is so tender hearted and kind that any time she cries you're ready to crack open your chest and give her a piece of your heart, despite it being described as “Colder than the dark side of the planet Pluto,” by an ex boyfriend. Of course you had to remind him that Pluto hasn't been a planet since 2006. The relationship was definitely done, so any bit of mental superiority you could keep was a bonus.  

“So, I take it you’re a pilot,” you wave your hand vaguely at the wings on his chest.  “What do you fly?”  

“Airplanes.”  He answers without any further detail.  You roll your eyes.

“I gathered that. What kind of plane?  You lugging cargo for the Navy, cruising around in a radar rig, or something more exciting?”  

“I didn’t think you’d know the difference, most people don’t.  I fly a F-18.”  

“Nice. Good aircraft. Too bad it's made by Boeing." 

The whole sentence flies past Jake's head without any notice. You had hoped that might start a discussion about the plane.  You're always interested in hearing from the people who actually end up flying your designs. The moment passes and when Jake's beer has been emptied, he leans out and calls to the group to see if they or anyone else is in need of a refresh.  A few raise their hands in agreement. You still have over half of your  drink left so you shake your head back and forth when he points to you.

He returns beers in hand and instantly reappears at your side. The second half of G&T Number One is spent discussing the climate differences of Michigan versus California versus Texas.  The conversation transitions into other vanilla topics.  You find that he shares a love of baseball and football.  

You discuss the Padres season in great detail.  That brings you to the bottom of your drink.  You take a look around to get a status check on your friends.  Lydia is now almost sitting on Rooster's lap, Beth is still talking with Bob and sharing a basket of popcorn.  She looks content, so you resign yourself to another drink.

G&T Number two finds you discussing books with Jake, not a subject you expected to talk about tonight. 

"I read a lot of nonfiction, history, aviation and military history, the natural world. I like learning things."

He responds, 

"There's only so much tv I can watch when I'm at sea, so reading a book is a nice break.  I prefer a good whodunnit or cheesy mystery novel.  The trashier the better."

"So, no life changing literature?"

He nods and finishes off his beer.  You're starting to notice that his pace is about twice that of yours.  A bit of quick math in your head determines his BAC is definitely in the tipsy territory heading towards sloppy.  

He returns with a new beer and a few tequila shots for the group. Jake offers one to you and you respond,

"Hard pass."

He shrugs and takes the shot and moves to the rest of the group.

G&T Number three is spent playing a game of pool with the rest of the group.  More shots come out and you see Jake go back to the bar a few times for another beer.  Jake uses the opportunity to lean over you to "help improve your  technique".  You enjoy the smug thought that he will likely be hungover tomorrow.  

The pool game finishes and you're in a good mood finally, just the right side of tipsy.  There's about an inch of your drink left and you're planning on heading out soon.  

Jake is instantly close and looming over you.  He is very tall compared to you and he reminds you of a giraffe the way he stretches his neck down to talk to you.  His drunkenness adds a slow loll to his presence.  You decide to throw out an easy question to round out the night, 

"So, tell me about being a fighter pilot."

He hears the question and you can almost see the brain cells connecting and searching his memory bank for something to say.

“It's a great gig. It's always amazing to me that those giant machines get up in the sky somehow," he responds in what feels like a very practiced way.

"You know how planes fly, Elsa?”  

“Yes, I actually have a–” you're interrupted by Jake and you suddenly feel an episode of mansplaining with a heavy side of drunk confidence coming on.  He grabs your drink from your hand and places it on the rail next to where you're standing. He gently grabs your upper arms and rotates you around so your back is against his chest.  

“Here, put out your arms.” 

You decide to play along for the eventual reward this conversation is going to bring. Out your arms go. He mirrors your arms with his and starts the most definitely memorized spiel. 

“It all works on how the wings are shaped, air goes faster over the top of the wing than the bottom of the wing because of the way it’s shaped, kind of like a teardrop on its side.  That creates the lift to get us in the air.  Follow me?” 

You nod, playing dumb for now. He takes his hands and moves them to your waist and continues, 

“That’s not enough though to get flying so we need to add thrust in the form of an engine." 

He has moved close enough behind you that you feel the not so subtle surge of his crotch against your ass when he says the word “thrust”. Your  eyes begin to roll at how cheesy this whole situation is.  

“And then wham-bam-thank-you-maam, we’re up in the air and flying.”  

As he says “up in the air”, he picks you up off the floor.  At this point, you're done, no matter how many gin and tonics you've had and no matter how good he smells, this is such a silly act you can't take it anymore.  You turn your  head, and say flatly, 

“You can put me down, now.”  

He obliges and you can see the mental calculus of him trying to determine how successful this party trick of his has been. The smug shit eating grin on his face makes what you're about to say even better.

During this time, Lydia has stopped weaving her web around Rooster, to lean out and see the look on your  face, the eye rolls, and your general impatience with the routine that she is curious what you'll say next. 

You turn around to face Jake, and you begin your rebuttal,

“Do you get a lot of women to drop their pants for you with that demonstration?  Decent explanation. If we’re going for 4th grade level science, but that might be as far as you got, who knows.  You did leave out a few important factors including the effects of drag, aircraft weight, pressure differential over the wing, you know the basics.”  

You hold up your hand ticking each item off on your fingers to emphasize your point.

His face freezes with one eyebrow arched up in alarm. This is where Lydia lets out her trademark guffaw cackle, and says, 

“You didn’t ask what she does for a living, did you?” 

Rooster has turned around and is looking satisfied that Hangman is going to go down in flames right there on the bar floor.   

“No, why does that matter?”  he croaks out, moderately alarmed.  

“I’ve got a Phd in aerospace engineering from Stanford and work for Lockheed Martin, you jackass."

Jake's eyebrows continue to rise and his face pales. You take a breath and continue,

"If you hadn’t interrupted me in the first place or even listened to a god damn thing I've said in the last two hours you might have picked that up. Like who else would know who makes an F-18, or who else would read a lot of aviation history books?  You could have saved yourself some embarrassment.  I design shit you haven’t even had the chance to fly yet or maybe won’t ever be granted the privilege of flying.” 

You emphasize your last point by jabbing your finger into his chest just left of his gold wings.

At this point the whole khaki crowd has stopped and is now listening to this exchange.  Snickers start to form around the pool table as Jake flushes with embarrassment.  

He stammers, “I didn’t know…I’m sorry.”  

You wave off his half ass apology with a dismissive hand flick,

“It’s okay, you keep trying that shtick and see who you can get into the sack with it.  Don’t worry your little pretty head about it. It’s been an evening and I think I’m going to head out.  Beth - Lydia?”

Beth replies,

“I’m good here for a few more minutes, I’ll text you when I get home.”  

Somewhere in this moment Lydia has moved into the final phase of her plan. You can hear her whispering in Rooster’s ear, 

“Want to go somewhere a little more quiet?” 

He nods enthusiastically like a kindergartner and grabs his beer as Lydia catches his hand and leads him towards the exit.  As she passes, you catch her arm for a quick second and lean in to whisper,

“You prepared? I’ve got some condoms in my purse if you need them.” 

She winks and pats her own purse, 

“All ready to rock and roll,” she whispers back, 

"I think this guy is going to need a Magnum, lucky me!”  

And with that bit of info Lydia has practically dragged Rooster out the door and is gone before you can even think to close your tab.  

You leave Jake gaping like a fish out of water near the pool table and head out to close out your tab.  Penny leans in as you sign the credit card receipt, and says, 

“That was stone cold, sister, he’s not a bad guy, mostly the ego that comes with pilots, but you might find he’s got more beneath the surface.” 

You sigh and reply, 

“Yeah, the presentation is good, but man, does the delivery and content need some work.  See ya around, Penny.”  

You're back at home in a loose hoodie from your undergrad years at Notre Dame, no bra, and comfy pants and with opening credits of Bridgerton rolling within 15 minutes.  

Chapter 2

@mayhemmanaged

@callmemana

[jewishdragon]

Ok let’s see if I can list all my favorite anime.

Feel free to reblog with your lists too

This is in no particular order

Full metal Alchemist Brotherhood (perfect plot, worldbuilding, and animation. There is little I find at fault with this anime. The philosophical themes of war, god, and morality, are also incredible)

Mushishi. (Animation is the most beautiful stuff I’ve ever seen. Ever wanted to experience The Horrors but feel immeasurably calm at the same time? Follow Ginko as he solves supernatural mysteries in a fantasy ancient rural Japan. Get your heart ripped apart in 20 minutes with this purely episodic series)

Tsuritama. (Need a 12 episode feel good fun time with fish aliens, saving the world, and making friends? Yeah. This is for you)

Soul Eater (wacky as fuck. Fun plot. Falls into the fanservice trap a few times but you know, it’s still really good. I thought so many characters would be irritating but no they are endearing instead. The script is so fucking stupid at times I love it. death the Kid and Dr Stein are my favorite characters)

So I’m A Spider So What? (My favorite isekai. I hope for more of it. Don’t watch if you can’t handle a lot of spiders. The progression of the protagonist is really cool and the world building is interesting tho the humans are boring)

Dungeon Meshi (current obsession. Autistic main that is so painfully accurate. Wholesome and it’s gonna get bonkers but stay wholesome at the same time. It’s a dnd homebrew adventure)

Madoka Mágica (if you haven’t heard of this you may live under a rock. Magical Girls but batshit world building and implications.)

Ouran High School Host Club (I mean. It’s just cute. Reverse harem? Nonbinary protag??? Rich kid politics??)

Red Line (movie. Sexy as fuck. Car racing in space!?????)

Wolf Children (movie. I hate the ending but I still cried)

Trigun (wish there was more worldbuilding. Post-apocalyptic kinda deal, humanity + weird tech = consequences. Main characters are INSURANCE AGENTS!)

(Obligatory anything ghibli. Can’t leave out the classics and the quality of it)

That’s all I can think of for now

[askganon]

So, I had a question about Hyrule! They obviously have some sort of manifest destiny myth but uh... What the fuck did they actually want with your desert? Like, you can't grow food in it, it's filled with angry women that do not want you there and a seven foot six man who is basically THE name in magic since like, Vaati. Not to mention how you basically got good enough terms on your surrender to keep a border fortress and didn't have to demilitarize and became a direct vassal in the royal court.

Seriously everything about it sounds like a bad deal and if Hyrule just, wanted your people for some reason, why not just give them some land in that BIG EMPTY GOD DAMN FIELD for them to settle on!

Hell, the Gerudo probably have super sick cavalry ideas, an alliance seems far more beneficial than trying to fucking war over a goddamn desert even if it is implied that the Gerudo are raiding caravans for men.

I also want to know who those caravans were for! The Gorons literally eat rocks, the Zora are weird fish people with weird fish people culture and don't seem like they import much. The Gerudo would be the only reasonable trade partners!

What I am saying here is Hyrule in the era of your birth makes no goddess damn sense and I am exceedingly mad about the lack of logic in this world.

When I first walked the realms of Hyrule, it was not the recourses of the desert they craved, but subjugation. Or, rather, punishment for our defiance.

I was born into strife, a child innocent to the ways of war and death, but one who learned of their pains easily enough. Through the ages before my time, my people refused the powers of Hyrule, and were banished to remain in the desert until we either joined with Hyrule, or died of starvation.

Hyrule did not want anything but our will, and their nobles and their men sought only the bodies of my sisters.

However, as you say, we are a furious and free people, and we do not take orders from those we deem lesser.

[lonely-north-star]

number 2 from your ramblings in your notes!!!!!

here’s to hoping we get motivation to finish our wips………..

🙏 desperately hoping for for both of us

y'all are about to learn so much about me ajwjefj, I've been thinking so much about this damn necklace and how I want it to appear in every lifetime they meet. Mammon is always the one to gift it to my MC, Paula

okay number two is mermaid mc and Mammon as the Captain and Solomon as a crew mate !!! Some random pirate caught a glimpse of her, and tried catching her, but it did NOT end well (imagine she sunk their ship lol). Now she has a bounty on her head LMAO

(this got way long so more under the cut)

SO of course the two of them find out about this while visiting the nearby town to get supplies, and they're both devising a plan to catch her. That prize money is hefty AND they'd get bragging rights

So of course they're out, and people catch the most glimpses of her during the night. I need to come up with a design for her actually - definitely a blue tail ??

ANYWAY they're staying up multiple nights to even see her, and one night they do, and they're using a net to try and grab her. She'd definitely taunt them. I'd like to imagine Mammon gets so pissed off at the taunting, he actually jumps into the water to try and grab her. Solomon is so concerned. All Paula does is laugh and swim away.

Wait imagine they're tight on money and they try fishing, but Paula keeps shooing any animals away. Just to annoy them. And they see her and catch on. But y'know what they also see? How she's decked out in random jewelry and shiny chains. Treasures she's found ?? So they start thinking they can bribe her !!

They offer some random jewel in exchange for her not messing with their catch. Or maybe human things interest her ?? Ooh, a hair comb actually !! Unfortunately, she is convinced, as wary as she is. Maybe she even brings like- plants? To try and get them to not fish so much?

Somewhere between this she starts popping out during the day, trading and talking with them, but always from afar. She sometimes swims closer but another crew member will always spook her.

Maybe solomams find a rock to sit on?? To make her less afraid?? They show off they have no weapons, no nothing, and they actually get to see her up close. And wow. She's pretty.

Now they're like "damn fuck the reward we want her instead!" HAHAHA

They all get closer <3 i like to think at some point later, Mammon gifts her THE necklace (the diamond shaped one my MC always wears). And !?? Surprise, surprise, it's magic and turns her human !!! (Not my love for barbie and h20 showing, sorry guys HAHA)

It'd be sooo cute if they have to carry her everywhere while she learns to walk and have legs. But they're in shock. All of them are. But she definitely joins their crew !!

Angst would be she gets kidnapped because someone recognized her from the bounty and solomams have to save her !! God I can't even imagine, they'd beat everyone up to get to her. I love that for them.

HAHA SORRY FOR RAMBLING FOR SO LONG, I NEED TO COMPILE THESE INTO A DOC OR SOMETHING. I wanted to expand on them ajwjwje

[illarian-rambling]

Thanks for the tag @mk-writes-stuff!

OC Interview

Let's get funky, let's answer for Azhur! (For context, Azhur is Twenari’s father. He's been... alone for a very long time.)

Are you named after anyone?

"No, no, no one else. There's only one me, fortunately. Unless you're counting my family name. Then there's a lot of us. A whole pack of Devarises. Did you know the scientific term for a group of sorcerers is a conference? A conference of Devarises. Gods, I hated those."

When was the last time you cried?

"I couldn't say. Wasting moisture is a travesty in my hell, for rain is rare. Sometimes, when I do give in, I pretend I'm visiting the sea."

Do you have kids?

"Two, though one is gone, taken, dead. I haven't been around Twenari for long, but I see much potential in her. Dreams swim behind her eyes, as much as hands rein in reality. I cannot know her, yet I would like to learn to love her one day. As for Akani.... The soul is a funny thing, made of magic and miracle. It presents on a scale of Tamm units, visible through a sorcerer’s arcane awareness, which draws upon the Veil at a rate, a rage, a relay of 8.5×10^5 ODR volts per second, equivalent to 1 standard Blösten unit, from which can be derived both magi-potential and spell friction by way of the Klaston-Daphon equation and-"

Do you use sarcasm a lot?

"Huh? Do I? I think I do. I make myself laugh all the time!"

What’s the first thing you notice about people?

"How loudly he shouts around them."

What’s your eye colour?

"A pale brown, lighter than my skin. Very distinctive."

Scary movies or happy endings?

"Uh, happy? Happy is good. Fear is evil."

Any special talents?

"My magic, obviously, but saying a Devaris is talented at magic is like saying a fish is talented at swimming. I've gotten quite good at survival here in my hell too. But my best talent, I think.... Ah fuck, I forgot already. Damm, anyways, my second best talent is making soup."

Where were you born?

"The Devaris island, which hovers approximately 200 meters above the city of Unity."

Do you have any pets?

"If I had, I'd have eaten the poor thing already. Spiders and tree sap get quite tiresome after a while."

What sort of sports do you play?

"I'm a dab hand at solitaire, though I think if I play one more round, I'll smash my head into a rock. I did track when I was young, I suppose. Ma always wanted me to go out for wrestling because of how big I was, but I couldn't stand fighting."

How tall are you?

"6'8". Yes, the weather's nice."

What was your favourite subject in school?

"It should've been magic. I love magic. It's my blood, my purpose, my curse and my blessing. But, I always found my mind craving literature, even so. I wanted stories, as frivolous as they are. Were? Are. They were real then."

What is your dream job?

"I don't care what I spend my days with, I want to get out. I want to be free, absolved, forgiven. I want to leave my hell. I want him to stop screaming. I know he's not real - right? - but that doesn't stop the noise. But to do that, I need a bridge. By use of the bottle method, it's theorized that a mage could shift the frequency of one strain of magic to match another. Harmonic magi-radial frequencies can initiate a Naldervon cascade, similar to the effect of a teleportarion ritual. If gravitational drift is factored in, then by taking the derivative of the Naldervon cascade number, found by way of a Tamm reading and plugging the value into Fendessi's equation-"

Anyways, love that guy. He's like if Castaway was way more fucked up. I'll tag @finickyfelix @ettawritesnstudies @elsie-writes @inky-duchess and anyone else who wants in :)

Blanks below

Are you named after anyone? When was the last time you cried? Do you have kids? Do you use sarcasm a lot? What’s the first thing you notice about people? What’s your eye colour? Scary movies or happy endings? Any special talents? Where were you born? Do you have any pets? What sort of sports do you play? How tall are you? What was your favourite subject in school? What is your dream job?

[theshotsheardacrossworlds]

WIP Sunday

This snippet is part of a 5-times-1-time fic with Agi and Astarion. It's very NSFW lol.

“Agi darling, I had Karlach test this chair with Lae’zel on one thigh and Shadowheart on the other. We’ll be fine!” Astarion explained for what he thought was the hundredth time. He remembered another spawn (Leon, I believe) saying that chair sex was good for women like my beautiful, voluptuous girl. Soooo that’s why I had the ladies test this chair for its sturdiness. “Agnetha dear?”

His lover stared at him like he grew a second head. “Alright, let’s just say that the chair won’t break,” It won’t but go ahead. “What if I hurt you? There’s a pretty significant weight difference between us, if I’m being honest.”

He raised a white eyebrow. “My love, I’m already dead---your fat ass isn’t going to kill me.” He drawled; eyes locked onto hers.

She opened and closed her mouth several times.

“Darling, you’re not a fish.” He teased. “Now granted, you’d be a delightful fish, but…” He walked to her and reached for her face. “If you don’t wish to try this, then it’s fine. But please know you won’t hurt me or break the chair. I promise.” Believe me. Please believe me. If I thought for a moment this wouldn’t be alright, then I wouldn’t have even considered it. You deserve all the pleasure I can give you. You deserve it all.

“If you’re sure, then…I can give it a try.” She gave him a quick kiss before they undressed, and Astarion sat down. Lowering herself slowly, Agnetha squeezed her eyes shut as he entered her. “O-oh fuck me…gods…Star!” My face is in her tits! There’s no better place to be. Once he was fully hilted inside her, she began to rock her hips and moaned wantonly. She never does this. I am full of the very best ideas! She cupped the back of his head, her fingers running through his curls. “This feels…so good, love…” Her eyes then burst open, as if she was remembering something important. “Are you—”

He pressed several kisses to her jaw and neck as his hands roamed her back. “Sh, sh, sh, none of that now. Take your pleasure, sweetness. There’s a good girl.” I said the magic words, which means she’ll be coming apart shortly. My darling girl…

[mugzymiik]

hey guys im on that tpc + warrior cat grind so i assigned Ancestor's Strife (a warriors rp with powers ^-^) powers to TPC chars

all Heroes have variants OR hybrids

all monsters have variants

all corrupt counterparts have their pure counterpart's element(s)

Cube/Cubic: metal

c'mon. gears, saws, those fuckin metal claws. /silly

Pentellow: ice

i think she should have it. as a treat. /silly

Iris: light

that thing on his head

Pyrare: rock/sand variant

idk he just gives that vibe

Cyan: rock/sand variant

please please please please please please please please please pl /SILLYJ

Tsavorite: animal communication variant

I dont have an actual reason but also iam NOT being swayed on this /silly

Orange: animal communication variant + fire (hybrid)

animal communication: he and Tsavorite NEED to stick together im NOT apologizing /silly

fire: please just give me this one please please PLEASE /SILLY

Gold: sound variant

honestly the only reasoning i have him down for sound is because i think he deserves to get to make forcefully people stfu. for himself at least

Cyanide: rock/sand variant

one word. or name: Cyan

Lythorus/Lycanthropy: water

idfk i woulda gave him animal communication but i dont want to have a lot of variants on here 😔

Heli: wind variant

helicopter

Ketches: water

boat

Purpex/Hexacrigon: metal

that shit in her bossfight. the line hexagon things???? i dojt know

Marcle: ice

let her and Rincle have ice. PLEASE /sillyj

Squadril: light

FUCKING MAGIC SHOW

Cintagon/Cintagram: light

stars

Circumsphere/Circumcannon: fire

cmon,,,,cannon,,,,,,,,"fire the canon",,,,,,also let him throw a fireball at someone 😭🙏

Quintagon: metal

shovel. thats it

Hexagram/Hexadic: metal

that thing he holds i???? dont know???? what it is????????? also bc the jsab level hes based on is in the factory

Polyhedron: fire

it was originally water but a lot of the fandom considers him like a wizard and who am i to deny them wizard bitch /silly

Circumuscle: body manipulation variant

i think we all know why. /silly

Rincle: ice

let her and Marcle have ice plzzzz /sillyj

Cirtunda: fire

idk

Spheer: ice

IDRK???? I JUST LOOK AT THEM AND GO "yea they look like theyd have ice powers" IDK IF THAT'S JUST ME THO

Ajacent/Ajaceare: water

because her pure design is NOT fire (fire) and it does NOT go hard (ice or metal). im still so salty about this block of cheese we got /silly I DONT CARE IF SHE'S A MONSTER I AINT GIVIN HER SHIT /sillyj

Ajacenus: sound variant

god pls she just gives that vibe.

Ajavex: lightning variant

bc SOMEONE on this list needs lightning at LEAST /silly

Barracuda: sand/rock variant

like his dad

Dub: body manipulation variant

corruption???? hello????? /vsilly

Circusic/Circubit: sound variant

HE CORRUPTS PEPLE WITH MUSIC. OKAY

La Danse Macabre: body manipulation variant

grim repair lookin ass /aff

Trees of Life: probably all of them idk????? ??????? ??????????? ???

God

The Sun: light

sun

Green Tree Monster: animal communication variant + ice hybrid

shares powers with Tsavorite & Pentellow bc. Green Tree

Acrillimus: water

fish

George: no power

(tearfully) i dont like him. /sillyneg-

other headcanons but not really because theyre more of "if they DID have the powers i bet this wouldve happened" but its my blog i do what i want /j:

upon meeting Gold and being told about his sound manipulation Ajacenus immediately started giving him advice on sound manipulation and Gold tuned her out without hesitation and Ajacenus went "nuh uh" and unmuted herself for him basically and it was a neverending battle until Pyrare finally went "this is important quit that" and Gold just tuned them out for him for the remainder of the visit

flowers that are on the more "feral" side when corrupted (cant speak) are able to be communicated with by someone with the animal communication variant- which is how the Green Tree Monster managed to summon so many flowers for that fight in s1ep10

Squadril likes to scare people by turning himself invisible with his powers and randomly appearing next to them

once while they were still figuring out how to control their powers Orange burned Tsavorite on complete accident and Tsavorite sent squirrels after him to be silly and it didnt end well actually (Iris and Pentellow were so flabbergasted by the time they found them because they were covered in squirrel scratches head to toe)

Quintagon and Hexagram have metal fights sometimes

Spheer is REALLY mad that they have ice powers instead of Cool Ass Fire like their granny >:[

[patchdotexe]

doip. / 5.24.23: the woodland manse

TIME FOR DOIP! it's been a few months so: welcome to dragon of icespire peak, the d&d campaign jorb is running with me, nyx v4shthestampede, and green bahamutgreen! starring the bullheaded dragonborn fighter Alidaar, the nameless halfling druid that's usually a binturong, and the new arrival (and walking disaster of a lizardfolk) hoping for treasure, Kepesk! together we're gonna fight a really angry dragon, but first there's a lot of problems in the world we need to tackle before we have any hope or surviving.

leo: [joins call] good news, i found my dice! jorb: [plays the anime "WOW!" sound on the soundboard]

Redesign Your Alidaar, We Know What We're Doing

LAST TIME, ON DRAGON OF ICESPIRE PEAK: Our heroes, having said goodbye to their friend Tobias, made their way to the Dragon Barrow. There, they met a new but unexpected ally: a lizardfolk by the name of Kepesk. The three braved the barrow together, and after some close calls, claimed the Dragonslayer sword within. Outside, they met a hobgoblin named Toblin Bloodsword, leading them through Neverwinter wood. oh fuck ive lost behind. WILL OUR HEROES BE ABLE TO CLEAR THE MANCE AND CLAIM THEIR REWARD? OR WILL THE CACOLYTES TAKE THEM BY STORM? FIND OUT………. TODAY!

i'm really good at what i do.

kepesk: wow it feels like we slept a month or two or something alidaar: more like four!

nyx: didn't we gaslight toblerone? […] leo: what's his actual name again, jorb: targor! leo, sobbing: WHY DID I THINK HIS NAME WAS TOBLIN?!

alidaar: i cartwheel over. nyx: what?? alidaar: i cartwheel over! nyx: well i was gonna ride on your shoulder or something, but i guess you're cartwheeling?? jorb: you heard the man! green: kepesk follows tripping over everything jorb: targor walks over doing a handstand or something. i dunno

good morning, falcon is here! also breakfast is here! let's goooo alidaar: good morning, motherfuckers! ..i dont say that part. OH NAMELESS HAS A NEW TOKEN, CUTE

……..huh. nameless sure is red suddenly. And This Sure Is An Overnight Change, Huh

falcon: would you mind terribly if corwin and pell dined with us this morning? alidaar: sure, why not? kepesk: [NOISE]

I FORGOT WE DUPED THE SHIT OUT OF TARGOR. targor is now aware that nameless just Does That (become a man)

jorb: [describing dinner] there's a couple of fish as well. nyx: alive. jorb: NOT ALIVE

falcon gives us a map! nyx: i am looking, i m looking with my eyes, i put my eyes on it, leo: nameless puts his face on the map. jorb, concerned: ..make a perception check? nyx: i swear im normal. [rolls a 17] jorb: this is a nice parchment!

nameless throws the map to kepesk. kepesk uses it as a napkin and then realizes its a map. falcon: i suspect i'm going to have new stories to tell after this. alidaar: you don't know the half of it. kepesk: about who :D?

nyx: i desperately want to talk to targor and tell him we're not usually like this leo: but that would be a lie :D nyx: that would be a lie.

jorb: [attempting to figure out why we can't see zodiark's name] leo: i can edit the horse. nyx: you can edit the horse???

falcon: try not to die. alidaar: it'll be hard as hell to kill us, don't you worry. :D jorb: and with that, you guys head off! nyx: ……..where am i going? jorb: YOU GUYS HAVE A MAP.

oh it's spelled manse. woodland manse. nyx: [rolls a 22 on survival] jorb: [..] you make some updates to the map as you go. leo: your map sucks ass, we improved it nyx: i'm grimacing as i hold it because it's still a bit greasy

OH SHIT THE SENDING STONE IS GLOWING OMG TOBIAS !! RAT BOYYYYY awww he misses us ;w; (and is craving cheese.) jorb: do you want to respond? you have 25 words. nyx and leo: OH GOD WHY ARE YOU MAKING US DO MATH his message is 25 words exactly. this guy. nyx: my response is two words: stay safe. kepesk: why are you guys talking to a rock? alidaar: [deadpan] sometimes rocks are magic. kepesk:

jorb: [..] you come across a clearing. nyx: why is there a boar in the bushes? green: is that a world of warcraft boar? jorb: yeah

jorb: so, what will you do? nyx: does targor have anything to say about this? jorb: oh. right. targor should say things.

OH GOD THERE'S TWO OF THEM (PARTY MEMBERS THAT'RE GOLD-MOTIVATED) NOW

jorb: do you have the ability to move targor, by the way? leo: no. i was gonna send him to the moon to test nyx: send variable to the moon. jorb: okay, try it now leo: [launches targor across the map] YEET nyx: OH GOD

jorb: there is not another identical mansion. nyx: sad. jorb: sad! leo: sad! nyx: sad! jorb: sad!

I HAVE DIED. SADLY.

leo: are the boars doing anything? jorb: uh, no, they're just grazing in the pumpkin patch. nyx: are they eating the actual pumpkins, or the leaves, or..? jorb: do they eat pumpkins? probably the leaves. leo: [googling] do boars eat pumpkins..

kepesk is leaving zodiark outside to graze on the pumpkins.

green: i can't believe i'm only asking this now and it's not my notes.. WHY did we come here??? (it's ok green i also didn't put that in my notes. anyway we're here to wipe out followers of talos and maybe get cool boots)

jorb: [describing a room] alidaar: i wanna get a look at those figures on the fireplace. jorb: it's weird- one of them looks like a binturong. one of them looks like YOU. and.. one of them looks like tobias. leo: WHAT? UM. OK . CREEPY MANSION HAS WEIRD WOODEN FIGURES OF THE ORIGINAL PARTY????? HOLY SHIT???

leo: oh my god the tokens,,, jorb: yeah i tried to get an ai to make [the tokens] into wood, it.. leo: it looks like it melted alidaar. jorb: ..had mixed results EVERYONE IS FIALING SO BAD AT INVESTIGATING THE REST OF THE ROOM BECAUSE THEY'RE DISTRACTED BY THE WEIRD CARVINGS

kepesk: i don't care about art.

jorb: -oh hey this is pretty neat actually

targor: what are you guys looking at? alidaar: hey targor, have you ever heard of wood? targor: targor: i'm.. familiar.

green: i feel like ive been so aggressive to him, i have no beef with targor. jorb: with TOBLIN, on the other hand,

leo: kepesk wants a carving of himself SO BAD jorb: they're not carvings, they're like.. 3d figures made of sticks. green: ohhh! that's even creepier. nyx: it's like that one movie. [pause] jorb: henry stickmin.

nyx: it looks like a pantry gone wrong. kepesk: is there ANYTHING of value in this place?! jorb: do you want to make an investigation check? leo: --all of my player instincts are yelling at me to start setting fire to this place. KEPESK NO DON'T EAT THE TOXIC SLUTCH leo: do we have cure poison on deck?? kepesk: do you guys want some? alidaar: [full-body recoils] nameless: [walks away] kepesk: ..i was just joking! :D ;;

courtyard has weird vines growing out of the well! thats probably an issue kepesk: i wonder if these vines would go well with food-sludge. nameless pokes the vines and they move. Hm! Bad! Time To Be Elsewhere

jorb: ..and you hear muffled talking. [dramatic music sting] leo: whoa, music change! jorb: the music didn't change, it just did that.

UH OH nyx alerted the guys on the floor above us! Problems!

jorb: if everybody could roll initiative for me! nyx: are we jumping through the hole in the ceiling?? leo: you bet your ass! targor rolled a 15 on his initiative! green: whoa! go off king! jorb: he's full of blood! leo: i think most people are.

jorb: [editing turn order so we can't see our opponents' rolls] you saw nothing. leo: i saw nothing but a 5 jorb: 5! green: 5! jorb: 4. green: 3. jorb: 2-- leo: [plays "E" with reverb on the soundboard] leo: did you know E is the 5th letter of the alphabet? :D

SOMEBODY THREW A DFUCKING JAVELIN AT US???? jorb: what would you like targor to do? green: targor! kill!

up against a human, an orc, and a half-orc! jorb: [stage whisper] they were all orcs in the original module, but i added some divesrsty hires! update: jorb misread the encounter so the javelin has been un-thrown and nameless has been un-mutilated

PEPPER WANTS M CHEEZITS SO SO SO SO SO BAD

KEPESK IS NOW RAGING OH SHIT KEPESK'S NEW RAGE IS COOL AS HELL he's got a cool stormcloud mask thing !! yoooo kepesk is WRECKING shit this RULES I AM ALSO NOW WRECKING SHIT. alidaar can now attack twice with his main weapon and once with his offhand! so he just. absolutely slaughters the ones kepesk didn't. also i have two breath weapons now! I CAN FUS RO DAH PEOPLE i should probably not fus ro dah people oh my god targor has a fucking. magic bloodsword. that's why they call him targor bloodsword ig hmm. nameless keeps using radiant damage now. i don't think that's what they usually do but i could be wrong. but also there has been no thorn whip silliness so far

jorb: i'm not even gonna make you roll, because he has 1 hp. [..] how do you want to do this? green: there's nothing that can go wrong with straight up cutting a guy in half anime style jorb: he goes "huh, that didn't do anything--" leo: he explodes. jorb: [explosion soundboard]

so anyway we just completely demolished that encounter in, like, one and a half rounds. goodbye fuckers

after a bathroom break: jorb: there, can you see it now?

leo: [SOUND] green: final boss: the go piss girl.

jorb: it is dark in here - do you have darkvision? green: i have swimming! [..] leo: do you want me to come over here? i have darkvision jorb: i retconned- i kept waffling on if you have darkvision or not.. leo: [checks character sheet] ah! i no longer have darkvision. (jorb gave alidaar nightvision before but the dragonborn update happened so now some of the variants have darkvision and alidaar's variant Does Not. ah well)

HOO BOY the dark room contains A Guy doing a. weird ritual? surrounded by weird twig creatures! that look kinda like the weird ones on the mantle! jorb: kepesk, you know what these are. [..] these are twigblights! green: YOO, ITS HENRY STICKMIN! leo: YOOOO green: YOOOO ITS HENRY STICKMIN LEADER OF THE TOPPAT CLAN leo: there's one for each route! :D

kepesk: hey do you think itd be funny if i went up and bit him? OH MY GOD SHE ROLLED A 20 STEALTH . OH MY GOD THATS A 27??? THAT'S A NAT 19 TO HIT. JESUS CHRIST kepesk: haha! you don't taste very good! [<- green described as "in his shittiest sonic voice"]

green: okay maybe i should roll for initiative

green: MAYBE I SHOULDN'T ROLL FOR INITIATIVE, DAMN,

horc enemy is SHOOTING LIGHTNING AT US???? WUH OH . OH GOD I HAVE BEEN KNOCKED DOWN TO 15 HP. AAUGH fun thing about the dragonborn rework: i can now replace one of my attacks with my breath weapon! i also now have Two Breath Weapons! and Two Attacks! and also an offhand attack! anyway i just Obliterated the stickmen except for one, then used my brand new fus ro dah repulsion breath to send the big bad flying into the wall and knock him prone. and then ran up and used my offhand to smack the final stickman into the ceiling. GET FUCKED LOL

nyx: im gonna walk up to alidaar and use.. uh… fuckin.. bitches! (nameless used cure wounds)

kepesk saunters up to The Guy and just. OH MY GOD GREEN ROLLED A CRIT? green: he's on the floor and i'm just [smacking noises] jorb: stabbity stab! leo: [plays "punch" sound effect A Lot]

HM. the guy backed up into a different corner and casted.. some sort of spell that didn't have a visible effect? time for nameless to roll arcana! jorb: in the words of himiko from danganronpa 3… "~it's magic~!" :D

alidaar: okay, im gonna just run straight at him and start going ham jorb: I NEVER ROLLED INITIATIVE FOR TARGOR!!!!! anyway alidaar just obliterated that guy with a dragonslayer crit. unfortunately it sounds like he was trying to do an evil last words monologue before getting beheaded. oops!

targor: sorry i'm la GREEN GOT DMCA'D ON TWITTER????? FOR VENOM GANGNAM STYLE??????????? IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FIGHT???????????????????????????

uh. targor: ..why are there a bunch of frozen sticks on the ground? alidaar, covered in blood: oh y'know. occupational hazard.

WOAGH ok now that we're out of battle, nameless has rolled again for arcana and got a nat20! HM. THE GUY APPEARS TO HAVE CAST SENDING. green: i guess we shouldn't… stick around! :D

alidaar found some dust of disappearance :o and now we're going upstairs! leo: where's.. i nearly called him torbjorn. We Keep Forgetting Targor

jorb: you find a hidden door! [zelda jingle] alidaar: wow! just like in the murder of sonic the hedgehog! green: YEAAA i hope there's a milf at the end of this! (jorb: falcon could be a milf.)

time to do another round of investigating/perceiving! leo: i'm going to perceive it. jorb: [some joke abt apollo justice's bracelet i forgot] green: YEA!! leo: [rolls a 8] jorb: you don't have a bracelet, so it doesn't work leo: i start crying. [..] green: perception! just like my hero apollo justice! [rolls a 16] IMFINE! jorb: you are So fine that you find [..] a wooden staff!

Time For Nameless To Want Shiny Item jorb: they way their pupils are dilating.. you don't think they're gonna give it back. kepesk: are you gonna eat it????? [..] nameless: i give alidaar puppydog eyes. leo: what do i roll to defend against puppydog eyes? jorb: make a wisdom saving throw. leo: 10! nyx: [rolls a nat20 persuasion] leo: AH NO jorb: you can't say no to the puppydog eyes!

leo: i should start throwing targor around like a sack of potatoes like i did to tobias, that'd be funny

A BUNCH OF LITTLE NASTY BOYS ARE HERE nyx rolled a crit initiative what the FUCK my man i rolled 13.12 on my initiative! acab The Groupchat Gets Distracted Talking About Subspace Emissary nyx is going ham with the staff while i google what subspace enemy jorb and green were comparing the nasty boys to (it was an armight) nyx is Struggling to roll a d8

alidaar stuck his head through the door and used his breath weapon to Obliterate the encounter! and also freeze nameless a little bit. sorry </3 leo: how confident are you in your ability to roll above a 13 [for dexterity] nyx: i have a +1 to dexterity but do what you will leo: are you prepared to face the consequences of my actions?

kepesk has found a bathroom green: sounds boring. jorb: you dont wanna take a bath? stinky! stinkyyyy! green: --just gotta go stinky mode. jorb: smely!!!

OH GODDAMNIT MY MIC STOPPED PICKING ME UP AT SOME POINT. BIG EFF minor pause to reread my notes from Two Years Ago from when we checked the loggers camp! my notes for that session were terrible leo: [reading out notes] "hm. wonder how donjon's doing." jorb: [laughing] BAD.

Delicious Sludge! (kepesk keeps trying to eat weird things. like soot.) leo: alidaar starts jogging around. like a white dad jorb: there is a wardrobe here. leo: [squeaky] JUST LIKE THE MURDER OF SONIC THE HEDGEHOG! CLOAK OF BILLOWIIIIIIIIING kepesk is All Over this locked chest awww yeah. AH FUCK HE GAVE HIS THIEVES TOOLS TO CARROWAY IN HIS BACKSTORY CAMPAIGN its ok nameless has a crowbar nameless rolled a nat1. kepesk Also struggles with the crowbar. alidaar walks in and starts fucking Wailing on it with his morningstar green: if this thing's a mimic this would be so messed up NAMELESS KICKED IT AND GOT A CRIT jorb: how does one get a crit on an unarmed strike?? the answer is "not very well". nameless then stubbed their toe YAHOO KEPESK CAME IN SWINGING WITH A 2HANDED WARHAMMER AND SMASHED THE CHEST god this was a mess jorb: it's a flat iron rod with a button on one end. leo: it's a Gun. OH MY GOD IT'S AN IMMOVABLE ROD you push the button and it just Freezes in place and cannot be moved! kepesk tries to put it in his pocket and forgot to unpress the button. i love kepesk green: imagine if you put it in your pocket and you buttpress the button

YEAAA ALIDAAR GETS THE CLOAK OF BILLOWING time to go back downstairs! alidaar steps on a staircase and it immediately collapses. whoops alidaar takes one last look at the weird figurines and considers taking his, but decides against it and walks out. also we may have started boar religion or something? meanwhile nameless grabs the tobias one and OOPS! COMBAT! THEYRE ALIVE! nyx: i use sacred flame. jorb: on which one? nyx: the.. binturong one. leo: nameless said no doubles.

alidaar is Really Sad about having to fight the twigblight of himself :( nyx wants to save the tobias one :( :( TWIGBIAS twigbias does 5 damage to nyx's discord and makes it so he can't hear anything kepesk sees what's happening and decides to stay out of it. targor: what's going on in there? [extended silence] AW NOOOO nameless tried to dispel magic but it didnt work.. WHY DOES NAMELESS HAVE A 25 POUND CHEST????? alidaar tries to shove twigbias in the chest. he drops the chest on his foot (nat1). good lord jorb: targor walks in and says "give me that" and grabs the chest off alidaar's toe.. [rolls a 3] ..and he drops it on HIS toe EVERYTHING HAS GONE SO FAR OFF THE RAILS Alidaar And Nameless Try To Shove Twigbias Into A Chest kepesk walks up. grabs twigbias. shoves him in. WE DID IT

OH MY GOD ONE OF THE BOARS IS A DUDE OH MY GOD. MORE INITIATIVE. WHAT IS HAPPENING. THE BOARS ARE MEN kepesk: you guys were eating with my horse this whole time?? okay so. earlier the boar religion comment was because when i was looking at the twigblight party jorb mentioned how we encountered a boar Ages ago and tobias used speak with animals to tell it to go away? and now we walk out of the manse and one of the boars goes YOU SHALL NOT PASS and turns into a dude. and now there are more dudes. and basically i think we have caused problems alidaar: WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM? [awkward silence] nyx: is he not gonna say anything? jorb: well, its not his turn, alidaar promptly charges at the pumpkin boar and slaps it clean in half okay cool the guy is a talos fanatic and is not gonna listen to me anyway. ah well it was worth a shot

one of the nettleblights(?) - oh yeah those guys are here too. big versions of the thornblights. one of them attacked zodiark so nameless blew it up talos, lord of boars, i walked away to get cake and when i came back it still wasnt my turn yet jorb: 30 to 40 feral hogs green: i thought [zodiark] would be really strong because he's a skeleton, but i was using mario logic, nameless: im gonna use sacred flame on.. the bitch! that is up my ass.

leo: hi im back whats up jorb: you're about to get owned! leo: oh. okay [thunderwave cave from pmd playing as alidaar gets electrocuted] LETS GIVE IT UP FOR ROUND 3 alidaar is covered in blood and he loves it. he's a fightboy! jorb: he was a gladiator! not willingly, but, leo: eh you have fun with it alidaar smacks a guy with a sword and then sticks his tongue out at him. >:P

alidaar is getting electrocuted again! leo: HOOH sorry there was a bug on my screen [right next to alidaar] jorb: you take 8 thunder damage irl [..] jorb: aw, i was trying to make it so he'd push you through the window leo: can i go through the window anyway? jorb: i mean, on your turn, if you want to,

GIANT'S MIIIIIGHT [super mushroom noise] alidaar supersizes, charges head-on at the final enemy (which is the one that tried to push me through a window), and uses his battleax to slap him straight into the sky and obliterate him on impact. alidaar: FUCK YOUUUUU leo: --and then he goes back to normal because combat ended. [checks skills] wait no this last one minute. and that was six seconds. um. jorb: you're large now! leo: alidaar stands there and goes "huh. i'm large now."

back to falcon's house! nameless brought back one of the boars for dinner :D nameless is having a normal experience with reality. what the fuck is happening. Kepesk And Alidaar Get One Boot Each targor is leaving! kepesk: aw, targor, but you're so based! nyx: don't speak those witch's words at him. I FORGOT KEPESK'S PRE-CAMPAIGN GROUP - IM GOING TO KILL JORB .RIGHT NOW kepesk's previous group was expies of the chaotix. targor was planned from the getgo to be mighty the armadillo. WAIT THE WILDERS ARE THE ONES THAT KILLED HIS PEOPLE. WE HAVE GASLIT HIM UNTIL THE VERY END green: i feel so bad, but yknow.. extenuating circumstances.. jorb: why does it keep spawning more namelesses? nyx: i shape back into binturong form. which hopefully there is only one of. AN INVISIBLE NAMELESS

jorb: do you guys wanna chat or are you just going to sleep? kepesk: so that was pretty fucked up, right? alidaar: yeah! kepesk: (at nameless) does it hurt when you go binturong mode, or? nameless: [shakes head] alidaar: sometimes they're a dog! --WAIT YOU WERE THERE FOR DOG WITH A SWORD kepesk: I WAS! :D

SOMETHING IS BREAKING INTO THE HUNTER'S LODGE AAAAAAAAAAA OH MY GOD. BIG BOAR BIG BOAR BIG BOAR

AAAA

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

...and that's the end of the session! CLIFF HANGERRRRRRR

we still have twigbias btw.

[thedoodlersdomain]

So, i’m only now just watching ep 26 because I lost motivation to listen for a but BUT IM BACK AND HOLY SHIT. So here’s some live reactions to it:

Bit the inside or my lip while eating from laughing at the mental image of Link trying to do a pull up on the shower curtain and just tanking it

Normal is either gonna rock the style at 24 or it’s gonna look absolutely horrific-

THE BOOING FOR SCARY’S INTRO

I gotta hear the Butthole Ricochet album

Real organ dice would be fucking dope as hell

Ngl I genuinely wanna sign up for organ donation just to get those dice

SELL AN ORGAN FOR THE DICE (honestly i would)

Literally just finished ep 25 before starting this and i’m still in shock about what happened.

The mental image of Willy getting the shit beat out of him is so nice.

I DIDNT EVEN THINK ABOUT HERMIE NO MY BOY

You get a mech suit, you get a mech suit, EVERYONE GETS A MECH SUIT. (Except for May)

oh shit may has magic hell yeah

God if I was frozen in place for two months I genuinely would never recover my fucking body would just stop i would never recover from that pain

gotta shake your head yes and nod it no

grant ;-;-;-;-; someone please get the li-wilson boys therapy

father-son bonding: panic attack pacing

Well now I relate to Taylor more because the feeling of having your braces tightened enough to make you lisp is too real for me that shit hurts so much

Taylor getting his life lessons from anime is literally me as a kid

ANIME ISNT REAL THIS REMINDS ME SO MUCH OF UNDYNE AND ALPHYS IN UNDERTALE

Link now canonically has selective mutism in my mind and no one can convince me otherwise

Does Scary even know where the anchors are though because I thought it was only Normal that knew?

“Anyone can walk back from the darkness.” Ayo Will how can you just say these things and not expect me to be IN PAIN

WAIT TERRY NO OH MY GOD I DIDNT EVEN THINK ABOUT HIM KNOWING ABOUT HOLY SHIT

Fucking goof dimension-

THE FART PORTAL

Lark is a mood as always

Sparrow ;-;-;

oh damn Normal-

NOT THE PROBABLY

Aaaaaand end of podcast lmao

Taylor is so fucking extra and I love it so much

ROLL FOR OBNOXIOUSNESS

RUN BITCH RUN

oh shit initiative time

Taylor has 1000% been dreaming of having a break down like that

ethnicity-

Give the white guy the nat 20

FUCKING ICE CLIMBERS IM WHEEZING

LARK ‘THE IMPORTANT ONE’ GARCIA OAK

OOOO ITEM LETS GO

oh shit OH SHIT Y E S

psychologically devastation: the best attack type

Lark has zoomies now

o u c h

LINK AHHHHHHHH

the li-wilson boys need therapy ;-;

oh damn

OH DAMN NO GRANT NO WHY

from nat 1 to nat 20 big up Taylor

OF COURSE HES GONNA NARUTO RUN

yup totally planned difficult terrain

Taylor & Hermie have the best dynamic (still gives me whiplash to know he’s taylor’s uncle)

All hail the whale

MAGIC USER SPARROW

fucking soy boy-

ah yes a kids movie where adults kidnap children

NOT THE EXTRA SOUND EFFECTS

irl dm murder too test the accuracy of an attack is the real dnd life

rip terry ;-;-;-;-;

THE FUCKING CONTENT WARNING

D O M I N O E S

no take backsies

THE PARABLE OF THE ITSY BITSY SPIDER

“anythings a parable if you take the wrong message from it” honestly Anthony do be speaking truth

i’m now evaluating the mental image I had of the whale because for some reason I really have been picturing just like a tiny pokémon sized whale in like a little cuboid fish tank and it’s taken this long for me to be like “oh wait. they said a whale and meant an actual whole ass whale. what the fuck-“

the whale of conflict creation

THE NINJA ROCKS HOLY FUXK (might start caring around ninja rocks in case i ever need to break a whale out of a tank to escape parents trying to stop me from stealing an amplifier with magic)

this entire plan was nearly all for nothing-

i need this episode animated in like a proper tom & jerry style cartoon episode

NATTY 20 HOLY SHIT

this is such a dumb episode i love it

Hermie really said ride or die

Rip the whale

HERMIE NOOOO ;-;-;-;-;

GRIPPY SOCKS

OH SHIT SCARY AND WILLY ARE GOING BIG BROTHER MODE

insight into the mind of taylor swift

BB banana skin marbles gag

ayo is Lark gonna drown-

hermie and taylor drown everyone challenge

LARK’S UNCONSCIOUS IN THE WATER HE’S GONNA DROWN

this episode is so dumb i’m wheezing

GLENN COMING IN FOR THE CLUTCH YES

sparrow please save your brother-

GRANT GOT KNOCKED UP I- what in the DC Joker

LINK JUST HIT PUBERTY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HIS VOICE FUXKING DROPPED WHAT THE FUCK

i love hermie so much ;-;

THE NO-BETRAYERS CLUB i need merch

link ;-;

oh god what’s gonna happen

somethings gonna happen

JUST TWO CASUAL PEOPLE

OH SHIT WILLY NO

O H M Y. G O D.

TAYLOR

[teslacoils-and-hubris]

I NEED YOUR THOUGHTS ON XENK IMMEDIATELY

oh you mean gods most autistic solider?? the beautiful beautiful man whos first thought in hiding a very strong magical object is in Basically Hell across a bridge with instructions so convoluted only someone sufficiently Strange could ever possibly have a hope of getting across?? the paladin who got genuinely upset when he thought holga was basing an opinion on someone from their mom?? Gift to the forgotten realms who saw the good in Edgin even when he couldn't see it in himself?? The man who walked such a Very Straight Line that he walked right over a very large rock? the one who doesn't do colloquialisms? That Xenek?

I am in desperate need of a spinoff tv series, that's incredibly episodic, that's Just Xenk going on adventures and doing absolutely fucking insane shit and misunderstanding turns of phrase and being the Wise Mentor to the adventuring party of the day. He's out there helping people because he's a good person and getting caught up in wacky hijinks and every episode starts in media res right as everything goes to shit and they have to run away from a beholder and ends with him going back to his home and taking off his armour only for a knock at his door and then fade to black. It Can touch on his past but it is crucial that this is basically a sitcom of the wacky shenanigans he gets into by being so very autistic and genuinely just wanting to help people. I'm in love with him if the whole movie had just been him saying weird things and pulling kittens out of fish i would have been just as happy