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bluenpjm · 2 months

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CLOUD9 AGENCY ☁ JJK X OC

synopsis. faced with decisions that can change the course of her career, the art director of the cloud9 agency decides it is time to act and reignite the flame she had once lost. and all because of an intern… genre. non-idol au ; slice of life au ; intern!jungkook ◦ fluff ◦ angst ◦ smut pairing. JJK x OC rating. M wordcount. 4.8K warnings. foul words, sad vibes and life not making sense, drinking, arguing, lying, just a lot of different feelings! a/n. after months without being able to form a sentence, I couldn't be more pleased to be able to continue this series. to everyone waiting, thank you so much and I hope you enjoy this rollercoaster! chapters. 4 — 5 — 6

Just as he had promised, Jungkook texted Carolina the day after. He continued doing so the day after that, and the one that came next. Slowly but swiftly, he attained Carolina’s friendship back.

Some days, their exchanges would be as simple as the man sending something funny he saw online. Others, especially when the messages deepen into the night, they would text for hours. They had comfortably conquered a perfect streak ever since that day in Carolina’s apartment.

Today, however, Carolina hadn’t had the opportunity to reply to Jungkook’s message. In fact, her head was in a twist over the message he had sent her the night before. I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever. Let’s hang out. She was up for it, no doubt. But she already had plans that were impossible to cancel. And if she said so, he would ask. Jungkook was as curious as he was shameless. So, she struggled between simply pretending she didn’t see the message and unequivocally not telling the truth.

Could it really be considered misleading if she was omitting information? In Carolina’s textbook, yes, omitting information was, indeed, a synonym for a bad thing.

Inside Carolina’s apartment, the energy is a mix of anticipation and enthusiasm as she and her friends busy themselves preparing for Jae’s surprise birthday party. Their situation over the last month had turned… complicated, to say the least. It somewhat resembled the chaos that had taken over her home.

Balloons in various colors cover every available surface, some swaying gently in the air while others lazily drift on the floor.

Deo had done the favor of gracelessly opening up yet another bag of balloons, despite the ones unattended at the table, with such force that resulted in them spilling all over, creating a small hazard that Hyori rushed to solve. Lu and Sarah were neatly hanging streamers crisscrossed along the walls, filling the room with bursts of color. They had also raided Carolina’s stash of fairy lights, draping them around the room like twinkling stars, the perfect feed photos already forming in their minds.

A makeshift photo booth had been set up in one corner, complete with an assortment of quirky props and a backdrop adorned with glittering stars and shimmering curtains. “This is going to be a great makeout spot,” Deo muses as she admires the final result, the old curtains brushing on the floor providing full privacy inside.

“My room is off limits,” Carolina says loud and clear for the room of single ladies.

“Noted,” Sarah pretends to take a pad and pen from her jeans back pocket and scribble on it. “Hookups on the balcony and bathroom only.”

“And photo booth,” Lu adds with a smirk.

“Kitchen counter could also be a good spot.” Hyori's giggle sounds far more innocent than her statement and if the girls in the room hadn’t been acquainted with her already, they would be shocked as the words didn’t match the delicate and innocent features of the girl.

The owner of the apartment can’t help but laugh at the witty comebacks of her friends. Drifting away from the photo booth, her gaze wanders deeper into the living room. There’s still a soft smile adorning her features as she surveys the space around her. She’s pleased with what they had done so far, but something was still missing. Determined, she approaches the coffee table, hands reaching out to grasp its edges, only to be met by another pair.

“Let me help you,” Lu’s smile reaches her eyes as they carry out the one-person job.

Removing the coffee table opens up the space for people to move around the sofa and as they rest it near the corner, their hands fall to their hips, admiring their not-so-hard work. Carolina purposely ignored Lu's curious stare on her, focusing instead on the task at hand. However, Lu's intuition couldn't be ignored for long.

“What's up?” Lu asks, her voice soft, contrasting against the backdrop of laughter and chatter. Their eyes met briefly and the girl senses there’s something on Carolina’s mind. “You seem a little lost—more than usual, at least.”

Carolina hesitates for a moment, her smile faltering slightly before she replies, "All good. Just thinking about how to make sure everyone has a good time tonight." Her attempt at reassurance fell a little short.

“You guys okay?” Lu's question hangs in the air.

“Oh, yeah! Peachy,” Carolina tries to brush off the concern, knowing that the photographer would see right through her. The room was too crowded and if a single word from this conversation was caught by any of the other girls present, Carolina would be in trouble. Although everyone meant well, she did not feel like chatting about this right now—or ever, for a matter of fact.

“I won’t press…” Lu sighs, helpless, sensing Carolina’s discomfort. “But you know I’m here.”

The last sentence is barely heard as Deo’s voice calls out from the kitchen. Seizing the opportunity, Carolina steps away.

“Thank God,” Carolina whispers as she reaches the youngest in the room. “What do you need?”

Ignoring the initial comment, Deo goes straight to the point, “We’re out of ice. You should text one of the boys so they can bring it.”

“Why don’t you do it?” Carolina raises her eyebrows, suddenly amused. “You have Hobi’s number.”

“I am currently in the process of getting over him and the feelings I made up in my mind. If you want all your drinks to be warm, don’t ask for ice.” The passive-aggressive phrase is accompanied by an all-aggressive smile. “Also, can I borrow your phone to put on some music? Mine’s about to die.”

Carolina nods and Deo takes the phone. The owner of the device notices as she texts Hobi first before searching for the music app. She rolls her eyes fondly at the stubbornness of her friend. “You should at least give him a chance.”

“Mind your own business,” Deo sings as her eyes scan through the playlists. “He’ll be nothing but trouble.”

As Deo’s about to return the phone, a new notification pops up, immediately catching their attention. jjk.97 sent you a video slides on her screen, a silent reminder of the text that was pending an answer from her end. Despite the turmoil, Carolina suppresses the urge to scream.

Deo remains silent as she waits for action. Just a few nights ago, they had discussed this whole Jungkook and Jae situation. On one side, the latter was dependable and gentle, a signal of safety that Carolina had started to enjoy. He was a sort of human Golden Retriever that always seemed to make her days better. On the other side, though, loomed Jungkook. Despite the pain that Carolina had somewhat managed to forget, Jungkook still had the power to evoke butterflies with his simple, albeit silly, texts.

Without exchanging a single word, Carolina silently navigates through her phone settings, silencing all notifications from Jungkook for the next 12 hours. Her heart feels a little lighter.

“Let’s see if that’ll be enough to take him off your mind,” Deo sticks out her tongue before disappearing into the living room.

“Brat,” Carolina shakes her head before moving into the living room and continuing the preparations for the party.

Not too far from Carolina’s kitchen, Jungkook was at his friends’ apartment. The room’s loud, filled with laughter and chatter from the two tenants, but if he had to be honest with the pair, he hadn’t heard a single word for the past half hour. Sitting on the edge of the couch, phone in hand, Jungkook had been scrolling through TikTok. He would always do this, but he had spent today’s watch time in stealth mode, carefully selecting the best ones to send to Carolina. Their chats would leave the message apps just to be continued on the video platform and he loved it. Teasing Carolina with videos had easily become one of his favorite hobbies and it was his way of keeping the conversation alive, of staying connected to her.

Today, however, there was no response. For the millionth time, he unlocks his phone and glances at his messages. No reply and no bubble signaling typing. She had left him on read and it was gnawing at him. He missed her. He wanted to see her. And he was too close to throw a tantrum.

Of course, every possible scenario had crossed his mind. At first, he assumed she was busy. She fell asleep during their conversation last night and today had a packed schedule. It had happened before. But then he got to thinking about whether something was wrong. And after he had gone through all the probabilities, he started to freak out. Was she avoiding him?

Jungkook’s fingers hovered over his phone screen, contemplating sending another message, when he was jolted back to reality by a sudden snap. Jimin’s fingers were right in his face.

“Hey, what do you think, JK?” Jimin asked, his eyes searching his for a response.

“Huh?” He sinks onto the couch and finds Taehyung looking at him as well. “I wasn’t listening.”

“The plan for tonight,” Jimin clarifies, raising an eyebrow. He hated when he had to repeat himself. “You’ve been zoning out for a while now.”

“Yeah, sorry man.” Jungkook runs a hand through his hair. “I was just… thinking.”

“About the art director?” Taehyung is quick on his feet. He might’ve forgotten the girl’s name, but he sure was curious to know more about her. She got Jungook talking about his feelings out in the open and that was a first in the long years they’ve been friends.

“Yeah,” Jungkook smiles sheepishly just thinking about her and immediately regrets letting his guard down as his friends’ eyes widen and they suddenly become interested in whatever kind of confession could come out of his mouth. “I just… haven’t heard from her all day.”

“Oh, I remember her!” Jimin remarks but he lies. Regardless, he’s excited. “So, what’s the deal with you two? You like her, she likes you..?”

Jungkook hesitates, glancing at his phone again as if waiting for some sort of rescue from it. “Well, we’ve been texting a lot. And I think we got a good thing going. But it’s still unclear.”

Taehyung crossed his arms over his chest after ditching his phone that wouldn’t stop ringing on the coffee table. “So, what are you waiting for? A signed letter of forgiveness? Maybe she’s just busy today and didn’t have the time.” He gets up, rilled up after seeing Jungkook so sadly slouching his shoulder. “Why not just drop by?”

“What?” Jimin and Jungkook ask at the same time, confused.

As Taehyung strides from one side of the room to the other, his hand falls into his pocket, an idea forming in his head. “Yeah, grab her some flowers or some food and drop by.”

“What about our plans?” Jimin whines and Taehyung is quick to dismiss him.

“I don’t know man. I don’t want to come off as too pushy or desperate.” Plus, Jungkook knows that Carolina most likely wouldn’t dig the flowers.

“Dude, you miss her right? Sometimes, you gotta go for it.”

Jimin nods in agreement. “Sometimes all they’re waiting for is a gesture. So, show up and tell her how you feel. It’s been more than time.”

Jungkook looks between his two friends, their excitement infectious. And if he stopped to think about it, it hadn’t been the first time that showing up unannounced to Carolina’s apartment had paid off. “You really think so? What if she’s got plans?”

Taehyung’s phone buzzes on the table again. “Jesus Christ man, who’s trying to catch you?” Jimin comments annoyed at the noise before turning his attention to Jungkook again. “You just gotta roll with it. At least she’ll see you’re serious about wanting to spend time with her.”

Jungkook exhales, “Alright. Maybe, I will.”

“Atta boy!” Taehyung claps him on the shoulder, smirking. “Just be yourself. She already likes you, man.”

“Yeah—yeah, you’re right!” Chest filled with his inflated ego, Jungkook smiles confidently. “I’ll drop by her place later.”

Jimin cheers, throwing his hands up. “That’s the spirit! Now, let’s finish this game, and then you can go win your girl.”

As the game resumes, Taehyung adds, “And remember, if all else fails, just be extra charming. It works for me... sometimes.”

Jimin grins, “And bring food. Everybody loves food.”

The banter continues and Jungkook, amongst the sound of laughter, the buzz of the city outside, and the support of his friends, starts to believe that maybe—just maybe—tonight could be the night he finally tells Carolina how he feels.

Electricity can be felt in the air as everyone rushes to hide. The sound of hushed whispers and stifled giggles fills Carolina’s apartment, blending with the soft rustle of fabric as friends duck behind couches and crouch next to the available furniture.

Carolina’s heart raced widely from the moment she got Jae’s call. She’d lied effortlessly, telling him that, as per usual, she was running late and invited him to wait inside. It was a white lie, but still, it had left her nervous. In reality, she had been nervous about this party and her feelings for Jae for some time now. Everything was a whirlwind of emotions that made her head spin and made her feel lost. The silence in the apartment was almost oppressive, the only sound Carolina was able to make out was her own shallow breathing and the pulse pounding in her ears.

Jae knocks on the door, and Carolina feels like her heart is going to leap out of her chest. She quickly opens it, the darkness inside the apartment swallowing him up as he steps in. For a brief moment, it’s like the world freezes. Then, in a synchronized shout, everyone screams, “Surprise!”

The lights are immediately flicked on, revealing the grinning faces of friends and the vibrant decorations hung around the room. Jae’s eyes widened in genuine surprise, his face lighting up with a joy that made Carolina’s heart swell. Everyone in the room can tell that he is touched by the gesture, and his smile is infectious.

Without hesitation, the birthday boy crosses the room and pulls Carolina into a tight embrace. As his lips met hers, the world seemed to tilt slightly. The kiss was everything one would expect from a rom-com—passionate and heartfelt—, yet something’s missing for Carolina. The room erupts into cheers and Hyori swoons the hardest right by Namjoon’s side.

Carolina can hear the whoops and hollers, the clapping and laughter, but it all feels distant, like background noise. With her mind racing, she notices how Jae’s kiss is warm and soft, his hands gentle as they cupped her face. She is aware of the dozens of eyes on them and it makes her feel exposed and vulnerable in a way she hadn’t anticipated.

Breaking the kiss slightly before Jae does, Carolina’s cheeks are flushed not just from the kiss but from the intense scrutiny of the audience. “Let’s drink!” The hostess tries to act nonchalantly and Jae looks at her with a mix of happiness and adoration, oblivious to her inner conflict. He’s beaming, clearly thrilled by the surprise and the kiss, while Carolina forces a smile, hoping to match his enthusiasm.

The party quickly shifts into full swing. Laughter and chatter fill the apartment as drinks are poured and people mingle. The living room is a blur of color, the decorations the girls had worked so hard on during the afternoon glittering under the lights. The sound of clinking plastic glasses and upbeat music create a backdrop to the best surprise party of the year.

Carolina found herself slowly relaxing as she moved through the party while making sure everyone was having a good time. Deo, Hyori, Sarah, and Lu soon gather around the karaoke machine, pulling her with them.

The opening notes of Wannabe by Spice Girls fill up the room.

Deo took the lead, carrying out the iconic lines shamelessly after only a couple of drinks in her system. Hyori and Sarah danced along, their voices harmonizing perfectly. Lu added her own flair to the performance, twirling and striking poses that had everyone laughing. Carolina joined in but mostly with her phone, as this was a moment she did not want to forget and needed to record it.

Meanwhile, the other guests enjoy drinks and chatting in small groups. The photo booth, as predicted, was a hit. A couple stumbles out of it, laughing and clutching a strip of photos, their faces red from the flash and the drinks. The party’s alive with energy.

As the song comes to an end, the room erupts into applause. And, of course, Carolina and her friends took exaggerated bows, their faces flushed with laughter and exhilaration. Carolina is quick to pass the microphone to the next singers as her body slumps onto the couch with Lu and Sarah by her side, their laughter still ringing in their ears. They lean back, slightly breathless.

“That was amazing! I felt like I was 15 again,” Lu giggles, eyes sparkling with excitement.

Sarah nods, still catching her breath. “I still can’t believe I remember the lyrics. We should form our own Spice Girls tribute band.”

Carolina laughs, outfits already forming in her mind to fit every one of the girls. “We’d be a hit at every party.”

Lu grins, nudging Carolina with her elbows. “Speaking of hits, this party is fantastic. Look at everyone having such a great time. You did an incredible job organizing it.”

Carolina smiles and looks around the party. She easily spots Jae across the room, chatting warmly with Namjoon and Hyori who had run back into the latter boy’s arms. Meanwhile, Deo and Hobi had lost themselves on the balcony, taking cute pictures together, their giggles so loud they occasionally drifted back inside. “Thanks, Lu.”

“You really nailed it, Cece,” Sarah adds, leaning back with a satisfied sigh as she too adored her hard work. “This is exactly what Jae needed.”

Carolina nodded, taking in her words. “I’m glad everyone’s having a good time. I’m going to grab a drink from the kitchen.”

As Carolina returns to her friends, cup in hand, she notices something amiss. The front door to her apartment is swung open, a crude light ruining the party’s ambient. Jae is standing there, looking into the apartment with a curious expression. Standing in the doorway, looking equally confused, was Jungkook, his face twisted into an awkward smile.

“Oh shit,” Carolina’s heart skips a beat, a sick feeling washing over her as she rushes to them. The two boys who had taken over her heart were facing each other without even knowing who the other was. She felt a lump form in her throat as she approached them.

“What’s up, guys?” She does her best to sound casual despite the rising panic.

Jae turns to her, a puzzled look on her face. “I was just about to come find you. Heard someone knock, and then found him at the door.”

Jungkook’s smile falters slightly as he looks between Carolina and Jae. “I tried calling but couldn’t reach you. I didn’t know you were having a party,” He tilts his head slightly and Carolina can tell that he’s trying his best to understand everything happening inside her apartment. “Just dropped by to see how you were doing.”

“Come on in, man! It’s my birthday and this lovely lady over here decided to surprise me.” Jae side-hugs Carolina, his arm wrapping around her shoulders.

“Good thing I brought this, then!” Jungkook hands a bottle to Jae without even looking at him. His eyes are laser-focused, trying to burn into Carolina. She never mentioned this guy before and a million questions were starting to form in his mind. “Happy birthday—”

“Jae.”

“Jungkook.”

They shake hands, the tension palpable as their eyes meet briefly.

“So, how do you know each other?” Jae asks as Jungkook enters and closes the door behind him.

At that moment, Deo appears, her eyes widened by the sudden sight. Before Carolina can even begin to form a word, Deo swings her arm around Jungkook’s and says in the most friendly tone possible, “Through me! JK and I are long-time friends. Come on in, I’ll introduce you to everyone!”

Deo quickly leads Jungkook into the party, her arm still looped through his. Carolina only has time to trade some glances with Deo, silently thanking her for the quick save, before Jae steals her attention yet again.

“Great guy!” Jae is chipper, oblivious to who Jungkook is and what he means to Carolina.

At that moment, it was like time stopped and the lump in Carolina’s throat had gotten so big that it was keeping her from breathing. Things were already bad—she didn’t like the fact that she had been masking it for the past weeks, and now amplified by Deo’s well-intentioned but ultimately disastrous lie, it was gnawing at her insides. She felt like she was about to explode. Her mind was rushing with thoughts and emotions, each one more overwhelming than the last.

Ultimately, Carolina’s biggest wish was to march up to Jae and tell him the truth—about Jungkook, about the lie Deo had just plastered in their faces, about them, and her feelings. She wanted to clarify that, although they’d been having fun and he was a great guy, it wasn’t fun anymore. Yet, to have her peace of mind, she would have to ruin the party—the party that she had painstakingly planned. She had planned every detail to ensure Jae had the perfect birthday, and now it was all teetering on the brink of disaster.

Putting on a brave face, she plasters a smile and nods along as she finally loses Deo and Jungkook in the crowd. But inside, she was unraveling. Pretending that someone had called her, she quickly excused herself, “I’ll be right back,” she said, her voice strained but steady. “Go have fun.”

Carolina refuges herself in the kitchen. Out of all the places at the party, it was the quietest, and finally, she’s able to let out the breath she had been holding. It’s shaky and she tries to dig her nails into the napkins. The facade drops and she feels the tears pricking at the corners of her eyes. Bringing her cup to her lips, she downs the liquid in one gulp, the bitter taste numbing her from the chaos in her mind. She immediately pours herself another drink. “Get a grip!”

As the evening wore on, the party showed no signs of slowing down. The apartment was alive with a symphony that consisted of laughed and animated music. The vibrant atmosphere was almost enough to mask the tension Carolina felt.

Eventually, the moment everyone had been waiting for arrived: the birthday cake. The lights were dimmed, and the room filled with the flickering glow of candlelight. A hush fell over the guests as the cake was brought out, candles blazing atop it. Jae stood at the center of the room, his eyes twinkling with delight as he took in the scene.

As the familiar strains of the birthday song filled the air, Jae reached out for Carolina, pulling her close to his side. He wanted her there, wrapped in his arms, as everyone serenaded him. Carolina felt a pang of discomfort and forced a smile, trying to match the joyous energy of the moment, as she could feel Jungkook’s gaze on her, heavy and intense, like daggers piercing through her.

As the song drew to a close, Jae took a deep breath, closed his eyes, and made a wish. His face lit up with a beaming smile as he blew out the candles, the room erupting into applause and cheers. Carolina clapped along, forcing a smile, but her mind was elsewhere.

Jae turned to her, his eyes sparkling with gratitude and affection. He gave her a quick squeeze, his joy evident in every gesture. “Thank you for this,” he whispered in her ear, his voice filled with genuine appreciation. Carolina nodded, her smile faltering slightly as she glanced around the room.

The guests began to dig into their slices of cake and Carolina took advantage of the fact that everyone’s focus was on the sweet to slip away from Jae’s side.

Carolina steps out onto the balcony. The city stretched out before her, its lights twinkling like a starry sky. Leaning against the railing, her slice of cake droops in its plastic plate, forgotten in her hand. Chocolate cake—Jae’s favourite. She sighs as she closes her eyes, the cool night air a welcoming friend from the heat and noise inside.

“Quite the party you got going here.” Jungkook’s voice startles Carolina. Her hand flies to her chest as the sliding door of the balcony is slammed behind him. “My invitation must’ve gotten lost.”

“What are you doing here, Jungkook?” Carolina’s voice is stern, her patience running thin. It was the same tone she used when they worked together. Jungkook hadn’t seen it often, but each time it happened, he knew he ought to tread lightly.

“I came to check in on you.” His eyes are sincere as he takes a step towards her. “I honestly got worried that something was wrong.”

Carolina huffs at his response, her irritation bubbling over. Of course he did. She turns to face the city again, her back to him.

Jungkook doesn’t appreciate the lack of response so he continues, now standing right by her side, close enough that their arms brush. “Had I known you were throwing your boyfriend a party, I wouldn’t have come, obviously.”

“Excuse me?” The sarcasm in Jungkook’s voice makes Carolina see red. If she could, she would have punched him in the face right then and there. “First of all, he’s not my boyfriend. And even if he was, I don’t remember you being the boss of me, so I don’t have to inform you of anything.”

The answer doesn’t exactly please Jungkook and he presses his lips before gaining the courage to speak again. “You’re right.”

Carolina sighs deeply, fingers finding her temples and massaging them for a while. “You should leave—”

“Do you like me?” Their eyes meet briefly only for Carolina to roll them. Impatient, Jungkook continues, “Or him? Do you like him?”

“It’s complicated.” She replies. “And—again—none of your business.”

Apprehensive, Jungkook decides to face the city. “Do you remember the first time we kissed? In my car, when I took you home?” Carolina hums in response and takes the opportunity to admire his side profile. She notices how he plays with his lip piercing and how much darker than the night sky his eyes are. “I had been wanting to do that for months. I had the biggest crush on you ever since the moment I laid my eyes on you.”

“I—” Carolina tries to speak, but Jungkook cuts her off.

“Then I fucked up and you already know the whole story. My point is that in all that time, I never stopped thinking about you. And now, that we’re friends—can I say we’re friends?”

“Sure,” Carolina bites her lip, slightly flustered at the man’s monologue. Jungkook gives her a small smile.

They are engulfed by silence for a second. “I actually came in here to do more than check up on you.” His head hangs low and he laughs, suddenly feeling shy. “I want to be more than your friend. I want to kiss you again like we did in my car. And after the club. I can’t take you out of my mind. And I don’t want to hide this from you anymore.”

“I appreciate you finally disclosing what you want or what you feel. I really do.” They are back at facing each other. “You have been a pain in the ass to deal with and I hated the fickle thing you made this to be—I made this to be. Because it’s not. and yet I can’t give you more than this at the moment.” Realizing the course of her words, Jungkook can’t help the frown that falls on his features. “It’s not fair for Jae. Or for me for that matter. He’s not my boyfriend but he came close to being something for me, so I need the time to think about this mess. You can’t just barge one day in my life when you’re finally ready and just—you get the gist.”

For a moment, Jungkook is at a loss for words. “I understand that. Yeah—I get it.” He speaks almost in a whisper. “We’ll speak soon then, Cee.”

“Jungkook,” Carolina calls out. He looks heartbroken and it’s painful to see.

“Great party, man.” Jungkook doesn’t look back and his words to Jae who was standing on the other side of the door aren’t accompanied by a smile.

“Thanks!” Jae steps foot outside, confused. “What happened?”

Carolina sighs. Damn surprise parties.

[ chapter 6 ]

☁ want to be tagged in the next part? comment below or send me an ask!

#jungkook #jeon jungkook #jungkook au #jungkook angst #jungkook fluff #jungkook smut #bts jungkook #jungkook x oc #jungkook x reader #jungkook x yn #jungkook fanfic #jungkook scenarios #jungkook aesthetic #jungkook imagine #slice of life au #non idol au #bluenpj #bluenpjm.docx #cloud9agency

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remembrancer-of-heresy · 1 day

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Courtly Love

[Part 1]

Summary: You think about leaving the Great Crusade, but suddenly you become the personal remembrancer of a talented swordsman.

Lucius The Eternal/fem!Reader(Camellia)

Warnings: no for this part

Word count: 2383

Author's note: the story would be about the fell of Emperor's Children including Istvaan V so with every chapter there would be more warnigs.

Song: Depeche Mode - Sweetest Perfection

To be born into the greatest era of humanity was a miracle. Billions of people were blessed with it. But to become part of something powerful, to contribute to the history of humanity. Only a few could dream of that. To become part of the Great Crusade especially.

Your grandfather served for many years for the good of the Imperium. You were not drafted into the Imperial Army and lived as a civilian. Became a historian and, it must be said, quite successful in your field. And you were proud of such a life and did not ask for more.

And yet, when the Emperor announced the creation of the Order of Remembrancers, you were stunned by the news. Of course, as a child, you dreamed of becoming part of the Crusade and recording the history of the defenders of the Imperium. But your family told you enough stories for you to understand an important idea. Civilians have no place in war.

But your grandfather assured you that for this very reason you were the best candidate. Even without knowing war, you already understood the seriousness of the Crusade. Besides, you studied the history of war, and swordsmanship in particular. Were you unworthy of becoming a remembrancer? The order accepted anyone who was connected with the arts, even those who knew nothing about war.

So you applied for permission anyway. And not only was it approved, but you were also able to get on board with Fulgrim himself! Many Primarchs did not want to take remembrancers, and you understood their dislike. But the Phoenician opened his arms to all connoisseurs of art. You were awaited on the Pride of the Emperor.

Could your participation in the Crusade be the best decision in your life?

***

Now you regret your decision, sadly remembering the joy of stepping aboard the Pride of the Emperor. Only a month had passed, and you already wanted to return home as soon as possible. But to leave the Crusade so soon would be to show disrespect to Fulgrim, disappoint your family, and make yourself look pathetic.

And indeed, the Primarch had fulfilled his promise. Not only were the Remembrancers given La Fenice to create and share ideas, they were allowed to visit many places that were inaccessible to Remembrancers from other Legions! Some were even granted the honor of visiting the command bridge.

But you wanted to leave the Crusade for another reason. You were lonely. You tried to make friends with other Remembrancers, but these were pathetic and pointless attempts. Many of them were real talents, wonderful people who glorified the Third Legion in all forms of art. You were simply embarrassed and even afraid to approach them.

Others were vain and vicious enough that you found it disgusting to approach them. Although perhaps you were too harsh with other remembrancers. Too petty. As if you enjoyed stewing in your own sadness and loneliness, enjoying the suffering of the soul.

Little Venice was a wonderful place where people could be inspired by other people's ideas and inspire others. A place where their own little history was made. Poetry was written, paintings were painted and philosophical debates were held. And although at times some overdid it with arguments, alcohol and flirting, it did not reach full-fledged vulgarity.

Part of you wanted to be a full member of this cultural community, but your shyness (or arrogance, as the remembrancers who disliked you said) did not allow you to cross the line. So if you visited La Fenice, you mostly kept to yourself. Much more often you spend time in your modest quarters or in the library, absorbing as many books as possible.

But one day you decided to break your gray routine. The walls of your chambers drove you crazy, La Fenice was stuffy. And you did not dare to go into the library after one incident. When one man cornered you and gave you a flower. Shame still glimmered in your heart, fettering your limbs.

Perhaps it could have been romantic, but wandering eyes and a lewd smile betrayed the man's true intentions. But it was not the lewd vulgarity that forced you to seek a new refuge. But the words with which he gave you the flower.

"There are many beautiful roses in the area, but even a camellia can catch an eye."

Even. It is clear that your "admirer" rarely really courted the ladies, and did not immediately lead them to bed. The compliment sounded like a real insult. You were quite a pretty girl. Yes, you could not afford many cosmetics or high-quality augmentations as stars like Bekqua Kinska. But that doesn't mean you were worse.

Maybe you're even better. Maybe you deserve the best. And people like that remembrancer can't understand that. They can't even imagine how great your talent is. Unlike those ignoramuses, you at least knew something about war. Who do they think they are?

You stopped halfway, ashamed by your arrogant thoughts. No, you mustn't let envy and sadness consume you. Since you were aboard the Pride of the Emperor as a historian, you must fulfill that role. For a month, you helped the archivist with his work. But first and foremost, you must glorify the Third Legion. That was your task.

And you were going to fulfill it.

The remembrancers had access to many halls. Some required special status. But some of them were still accessible to the general public. Although many connoisseurs of art did not visit them for various reasons. Apparently, many of them thought that watching the Astartes training was boring. Especially since they were allowed to visit only some halls.

But this was just right for you. The very opportunity to witness the martial skill of the Emperor's chosen was intoxicating. You thought more than once about finally entering this part of the ship, but always retreated. You did not want to be intrusive, you were afraid to interfere. Should thank the bastard from the archive, because he pissed you off enough that you finally managed to reach the right doors.

Sighing, you slowly entered the hall, trying not to make noise. Part of you wished it was empty and you would return to your quarters. But another part of you rejoiced at the characteristic sounds of battle. After a couple of steps, you finally saw the whole picture.

Your depressed face lights up with reverent admiration. And all sad thoughts evaporate in an instant as soon as the beautiful warrior repels the attack of the battle servitor again. There was no one else in the room except for the two of you, and you rejoiced at such luck.

Like all space marines, the man was tall and massive. And yet his body was built exactly like a swordsman, not a butcher. Not to mention the level of fencing. You watched with delight as the warrior's sword whistled like lightning, cutting through the air before delivering the final hit after a couple of blows.

The battle servitor falls with a crash, breaking into pieces. The young man, sweating just a little, swings his sword a couple more times. Steel cuts the air, sparks fly from the defeated servitor like fireworks. Clearly enjoying the moment of victory, the man almost gets into an appropriate pose. Before he turns his gaze in your direction.

Only at that moment did you realize that the only noise in the hall was the battle between the Marine and the Servitor. But you successfully disrupted it by starting to applaud enthusiastically. Embarrassed, you quickly stop and press your hands to your sides with force, as if they could continue to express admiration for the man's fighting skills without permission.

“Oh, apologize my lord. I'm one of the remembrancers. We were given permission to visit the training hall.” - your cheeks begin to burn as you fidget with your clothes, retreating to the saving exit. - “But I interrupted you, s-so sorry. I'll leave now-”

“Wait!” - the man hastily shouted and you stopped in place. With bated breath, you look at the swordsman, fearing anger. But seeing his face, you only gasp in surprise.

He was smiling. Not maliciously, not arrogantly. And like a little boy who saw a new toy. It was... unusual. All the Astartes exuded preterhuman, almost inhuman beauty, strength and just spirit. A different kind, which was in some way above mere mortals. But right now, one of the Emperor's Angels stood before you, smiling as a random passerby on the street might smile.

Does that mean that your idea of Space Marines was wrong, or was the swordsman an exception?

“You liked it, huh?” - the young man only smiled more when you nodded. He immediately acquired a proud look and you couldn’t help but smile back, unable to resist his charisma. - “I am Lucius, one of the best swordsmen of the Third Legion. You are very lucky that you ran into me and not some amateur.”

You, impressed by the meeting, did not pay attention to Lucius’s arrogance. Even if he is a space marine, even immortal warriors like praise. You nodded before looking enthusiastically at the man’s exquisite sword. The familiar outlines gave away its origin.

“I recognize this style... Such swords were forged in the forges of Urals during the Unification Wars” - your voice trembled with delight, and your eyes were unable to tear themselves away from the unusually long hilt of the sword. You had only seen such weapons in books and were amazed to see that in reality they were even more beautiful than you thought.

Lucius blinks his eyes in surprise. He looks at you, at the sword, and back at you. And then he bursts into laughter as if he had heard the funniest joke in his life or seen a funny sight.

“I didn’t know that you, scribes, understood war. Or did the best of you go to the Emperor’s Children?” - your cheeks warm up from the man’s words. Pride takes over your entire being and the old doubts about your candidacy go away.

“Well, my specialty is the history of fencing, so I understand the art of war.” - you shyly fidget with your fingers, trying not to turn into a puddle. - “O-of c-course, the theory, uh. I’m not a warrior, but I would like to see all these techniques in practice.”

You froze from the words spoken out loud. The teachers were right, you need to think first and then speak. And you always followed this rule. But you forgot all about propriety the moment you saw the mastery of the sword. No, you didn't ask to be in the fighting. You asked to become his personal chronicler!

The Third Legion had assembled an entire army of remembrancers in some way. Many were much more popular and influential. Such individuals were given entire studios, not a small quarters like yours. And for a whole month, not a single one of them asked to become a personal remembrancer of a legionary. One could only dream of Fulgrim. Although if other primarchs did not bestow the attention of artists and actors, the Phoenician basked in the adoration of many of you.

And you dared not only to distract a space marine from training, but also asked to be his documentarian. You'll be lucky if he lets you go home and doesn't ridicule you. What a shame.

"Oh, sorry! I always speak before I think." - You feel your cheeks heat up, and your voice starts to tremble with shame. - “There are plenty of remembrancers on the ship, and many of them are worthy of becoming your personal chronicler. I-I was just so impressed by your swordsmanship that I stupidly blurted out-”

“YES!” - Lucius screamed so loudly and enthusiastically that you covered your ears in pain. But the swordsman didn’t even think of apologizing for the inconvenience. - “I need a personal chronicler! You have no idea how many of my exploits you’ll have to record. My brothers will be bad storytellers. With me, you’ll write the greatest book.”

It’s not like you were going to write a book, and you were more of a historian. But you didn’t want to upset the happy swordsman. Besides, you were lucky to be in the right place at the right time. So why not take advantage of this opportunity?

You bite your lip in embarrassment, looking at the completely smooth, scarless young face. Green, shining eyes resemble summer grass and you involuntarily admire the man. He is so handsome. Lucius probably knows this, but he could never understand what a loss it is that he became an Astartes, do he?

“It would be an honor for me.”

“And what an honor! Hey, so you know the styles of fencing?” - seeing your nod, the swordsman grinned from ear to ear. - “All right. I’ll use a couple of techniques now, and you have to tell me what school they are from.”

Lucius didn’t even wait for your answer. He didn’t care that you might have other things to do. If you became his personal chronicler, then you should have started your duties right now. But you were just waiting for this opportunity.

Giving in to his joy, you smiled brightly, already freely entering the training hall. You had already noticed the weapons that it would be a great lucky to study in the future. But for now, all your attention was captured by the young man playing with the sword like a toy, ready to show all the great capabilities of the Astartes for nothing.

A new combat servitor who entered the arena humbly waited for a new series of blows to be unleashed on him. Lucius throws his sword into the air, casually grabbing it, showing off his skills to you. Hearing your delighted sigh, he winks at you.

“I forgot, what's your name again?”

The Servitor falls from the first couple of hits and the hall bursts into applause again. Lucius looks back at you with delight, as if he’s happier than you are at this meeting. As if he’s been waiting for such recognition all his life. And you, enchanted by his talent, repeated your name as if bewitched.

The Crusade promised to be the best chapter in your life.

#yandere space marine #space marine x reader #lucius the eternal x reader

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rxttenbxnes · 5 months

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Hello! Do you have any fun headcanons to share about Idia? Honestly, I just find it painful to see how badly this guy gets butchered in headcanons sometimes. People always forget that he is in fact a complete ass with a massive superiority-inferiority complex and not just a sad boi, or they overplay the weeb part and ignore how he has other interests like science and art, or they make him too pathetic by assuming he would still be a blushing incoherent mess like a year into marriage, etc. Anyway, it’d just be nice to hear the headcanons of an actual Idia fan since that’s the only way to get anything sane.

Omg totally, first I'mma do a little rant, I'll make sure to label where the HCS begin so y'all don't have to read my rants 😭

܀⊹ ིྀ🕸 ۫ ִ ׂ💭 ◟♡ ˒ ⊹ ݁ ִ ۫🎮ೄྀ⊹܀

❱❱﹒⟡﹒𝑅𝑎𝑛𝑡﹢﹒🎮

Okay we gotta acknowledge the fact idia is indeed, an asshole you guys. 💀Well not completely obviously but he's not just gonna be nice to you for no reason. He's not just some depressed dude needing sympathy.

The way Idia is so Infantilzed by the fandom it's actually gets me tweakin, You guys this actually makes me mad, he's not some sensitive bottom uwu boy that stutters 50 times every sentence In fact I honestly cannot see him being submissive half of the time, this man is actually a asshole on the low. Most people get the fact that idia would be submissive from his shy and closed off personality which is just SO wrong to me.

Idia is extremely pessimistic and if we're being real Idia is actually not a good narrator for his own experiences, the constant self deprecation mixed in with his his thoughts about being superior to others is so fascinating to me, one moment he sees himself as nothing but a piece of trash while in the next moment he's boasting about how he's the only one component enough to be ignihyde's dorm leader. He's such a complex character I can Yap about him constantly

I get making jokes and stuff but some people genuinely think idia is some stinky incel creep that hates women and just purposely chooses to not go outside and be chronically online. Like yeah, he has nerdy and loser like hobbies but this man literally has trauma and chronic depression, along with an anxiety disorder, it's not something he can just make disappear. He likes science, engineering, art, anime, games etc which is all just cool, it's not like he's some creep that's afraid to talk to people, nor is he some super submissive guy that'll fold for you in a tiny interaction.

Had to get ts off my chest 💀

܀⊹ ིྀ🕸 ۫ ִ ׂ💭 ◟♡ ˒ ⊹ ݁ ִ ۫🎮ೄྀ⊹܀

܀⊹ ིྀ𝐼𝑑𝑖𝑎 ℎ𝑒𝑎𝑑𝑐𝑎𝑛𝑜𝑛𝑠 🎮ೄྀ⊹܀

🎧 Caramelldansen. Idia adores this song unironically. At first he had just saw the meme and quickly ended up falling into the whole thing, laying on the floor completely dazed out of his mind as the colorful lights flash in the background from the music video playing on repeat lol

🎮 I said this in my earlier post but Idia definitely draws his crushes all the time. Luckily he has a little self control and draws anime/manga characters in most of the pages, he's really protective over his sketch book due to 1.) His social anxiety and 2.) The fact that he doesn't want anyone to know that he likes drawing and observing people, especially his crushes.

🎧 Idia constantly has his headphones on, I know of a fact that Idia listens to Nightcore, anime OSTs, Vocaloid, animation meme music, Vkei, video game sound tracks and breakcore religiously. I think idia would honestly listen to everything he can get his hands on

🎮 I feel like he had a 2020 alt kid phase lol. I feel like quarantine would've been his time to thrive, his peak enjoyment of life would be set during this time lol. Being able to express himself like he wanted without others seeing??? Sign him up

🎧 Ironically, he's not super weak. I feel like he just sucks at physical activity, especially running since he doesn't leave his room much. His hands/fist are definitely strong, I feel like he has a strong hit.

🎮 That being said, I think Idia’s hands are large, thin and boney. They definitely have a few scars and calluses from all the machinery he works with, you can't tell me that his hands aren't pretty rough.

🎧 Idia is a fashion icon, in games. Not irl, he would never due to the attention it would grab him, though he definitely is into all of the alternative and Gothic fashion stuff. He'll give his characters the most perfect and pretty outfits and make sure everything is customized perfectly, not mind at all if it takes him hours to do so.

🎮 This man definitely collects figures. I feel like they're all anime and video game figures; he's even commission artist and such to make custom work of his favorite interest and brag online about it.

🎧 Has an habit of repeating words and phrases he likes over and over again. It doesn't matter if it's from an obscure meme that literally only 5 people including him know or if it's in a different language, he'll constantly reference and repeat it like no tomorrow.

🎮 He's a biter. He bites a lot of things randomly, he'd bite someone out of love if he got the chance. I'm telling you he'll just naw on random stuff, not caring if it's edible or not. It could literally be a plushy and he'll randomly bite it while he's hugging it.

🎧 Idia definitely finds confort in the rain and gloom weather. Really, he just enjoys typically gloomy things. It's extremely comforting and relaxing to him to just be able to sit on his bed with his headphones on while it rains harshly outside, making the world around him dark and gloomy.

🎮 Curses, like a lot. Gamer rage is real you guys and he definitely has it. If he loses a game too many times or gets too frustrated with his teammates, he'll curse like a sailor. His anger isn't directly to his teammates or anything, it's of him being frustrated with everything in general.

܀⊹ ིྀ🕸 ۫ ִ ׂ💭 ◟♡ ˒ ⊹ ݁ ִ ۫🎮ೄྀ⊹܀

#twisted wonderland #twst #disney twst #idia shroud #idia #idia headcanons #rxttenbxnes rambles #twst headcanons #twst hcs #twisted wonderland idia #idia hcs #idia shroud headcanons #headcanons #hcs

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blackswaneuroparedux · 1 year

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My mother was right: When you've got nothing left, all you can do is get into silk underwear and start reading Proust.

Jane Birkin

...or spend one night in bed with Brigitte Bardot. As a much older male literary friend once said to me , one night with Brigitte Bardot would make up for not reading Proust and answer any existential questions one would have about life and meaning.

Unfortunately most of don't have that luxury and so the next best thing to do is to try and read Proust.

‘À la recherche du temps perdu’ (In Search of Lost Time) is a novel dedicated thoroughly and deeply to love. In a sense, it serves as a compendium of the different ways we can love, do love, and should love. Of course, one of its central insights is into the ways that we shouldn’t love - whether that means loving the wrong person or in the wrong way. If you’ve ever wondered whether Proust is more about love or heartbreak you realise, once you’ve actually read him, you realise you can’t cleanly separate the two. Proust routinely explores the very specific strain of sadness that can only occur in romance. In doing so it is also in part about virtue, vice, prejudice, and folly.

Reading Proust expands your universe and your inner life for at the core is a set of big, wonderful, difficult questions about life. Here are a few of them: how we can feel at home in the world; how we can find genuine connection with other human beings; how we can find enchantment in a world without God or if indeed is it possible; how art can transform our lives; whether an artist’s life can shed light on her work; what we can know about reality, other people, and ourselves; when not knowing is better than knowing; who we are really, deep down; what memory tells us about our inner world; why it might be good to think of our life as a story; and how we can feel like a single, unified person when we are torn apart by competing desires and change over time.

Moreover to read Proust is to read about ourselves through someone else trying - and ultimately failing, as we all fail - to capture the past. We are interested in our pasts, not least because our past has made us what we are. Our past is filed with treasures and disappointments, missed opportunities, and regrets, all of which fascinate us: the full value of the treasures can never be recovered, but as compensation we have the rest to mull over as we sip our tea and take a bite of a Madeleine.

RIP Jane Birkin (1946-2023)

#birkin #jane birkin #quote #literature #french #marcel proust #proust #love #amour #life #philosophy #memory #past #present #sense perception #books #brigitte bardot #femme #beauty #arts #culture

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just-someone-who-likes-to-write · 1 year

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Delayed Fate

(A/N): Hello everyone this is my first fic where I don't take requests ((And first Namor Fic!))but get ideas by spinning three wheels in an app. One wheel has characters that I like, Second sentences that I will be using, the third is the AUs it would be set in. The third Wheel has only Soulmates AUs, but if I got inspired I might add another AU to future stories, just to make them more interesting. Without further or do, I hope you enjoy this one.

Character: Namor / Ku'ku'lkán

Alphabet AU: A...Aging stops at 18 until you find your soulmate so the two of you can grow old together.

Sentence number: 40 - "Anywhere with you is everywhere I want to be."

Warnings: black panther forever spoilers, angst, mentions of injuries, fluff at the end, grammatic error. (If i missed any warnings please tell me.)

Word count: 9,724

Aging can be a terrifying process for most.

Growing older, becoming weaker, your body changing in ways you didn't expect or understand, and having to depend on others for the smallest of things. It is indeed terrifying. That is why some people would try and stay young as long as possible, and it's not by doing the usual thing where they would use pharmaceutical products or do surgeries. But they would be going as far as doing everything in their power to not meet their soulmate, the one person who they are meant to grow old with, to finally start their life together.

In this world, people stopped aging after their 18th birthday, when they are meant to go out and explore the world and meet people in hopes that one of them is their destined partner. But meeting a soulmate is like a cruel game of guessing because you would have to spend significant time with this person in order to see if you aged or not. When realizing that none of them aged the partners would either break up immediately or stay together for the sake of not being alone, but as said before, others would do everything in their power to disconnect themselves from people for the sake of an immortal life, which is foolish since there is no true immortality, everyone dies in the end, either by fate or beside the one they love.

That's why after (Y/n)'s 18th birthday she did not waste time and ventured into the world to meet people and have new experiences in hopes that one day she would meet the one who is meant for her and her for them. Now, the longest a person stayed 18 before meeting their soulmate was less than 50 years, so imagine her surprise, disappointment, and sadness when she spent almost 300 years alone.

In the first 100 years (Y/n) was crying, not only because she still haven't found the one, but also because she saw how the world around her was going by fast, her family was dying, her close friends who already found their soulmates were growing older, forcing her to be left behind as everyone around her was living their lives. She realized that she doesn't have a place around in her hometown so she decided to leave and find a home somewhere else. During her 200 years, she explored everything she could, the different cultures, learned different languages, and learned how to fight to protect herself from those who found out about her "Situation" and wanted to use her. Shield reached out to her and asked to help them build their organization with the promise of tending to her every need as long as she lived and she took it.

(Y/n) even came across magic users, which lead her to meet the ancient one who helped her accept this long life of hers, she stayed with them a good 40 years, learning what she could about magic since she did not have the talent for mystic arts. During that time (Y/n) has already several homes around the world, thanks to the money that she was investing and the money that Shield would provide her with, she owned several weapons, mechanics, firearms, and even traditional weapons. One day she heard of an artifact in the corners of Nigeria that might hold some magical power, she didn't know what it was but she knew that if it was dangerous she needed to keep it with her or at least deliver it to the ancient one.

That's how she met King T'Chanda and found out about Wakanda.

She remembered the look of pity he gave her when she told him her story, maybe that pity is the reason why he extended a hand of friendship, and to maintain this friendship she swore that she would never speak of his country's existence. Every few years she would go there and visit him, for a while he was the same as her. He lived as a young man for a long time, which made her understand the look of pity he gave her because he understood what she was going through. So her jealousy was also understandable when she came to visit one day and found him aged a few years with his hand wrapped around a beautiful woman who was pregnant. (Y/n) held no romantic feelings for the king, but she hoped selfishly that he would remain without a soulmate like herself, that she would at least have a friend like herself. But again, she forced herself to accept the reality that she would be alone for a very long time until something came to end her life, but up until that happens she would live her life the best she could.

Now, the great thing about the Wakandan Royal family is that they accepted her as she is, they did not give her weird looks nor did they attempt to experiment on her, like how most of the world acted. She remembered how annoyed she was when T'Chanda made his son T'Chaka call her "Great Aunt" and from then on she was called as such despite her very youthful look. But she accepted in the end and even enjoyed it a bit.

Then (Y/n) entered the 20th century and everything started to go crazy. She could handle the super soldier project because it was kind of expected after seeing in what way humanity's technology was taking, especially in the name of winning a war. Then there was the time when she found out that aliens existed, which means that alien invasion was inevitable so she took the right measures and that was staying away from it, because what can she do? Immortal or not she was still a human with no power, yes she has magical items that can be used as weapons but that would be risking exposing the existence of sorcerers so she decided to just stay back, after all, Fury assured her that he has a plan and that is by assembling a team of heroes.

Where was (Y/n) during all that? Having a very long vacation in Wakanda, where she was helping Shuri test her new inventions and helping her prank her brother. She would train with T'Challa and give him bits of advice that he might need as a future king. And, Of course, she would chat with T'Chaka and Ramonda and even lecture them, which was a funny scene for their children to see them being lectured by an 18-year-old girl. Yes, she had a really close connection to the Wakandan royal family, which was understandable when she helped T'Challa try and catch his father's assassin. (Y/n) got a lot of backlash because of it from Fury when he found out the truth. It caused her to be kicked out of shield, but she didn't care because she knew that if she stopped T'Challa from seeking revenge his anger would have blinded him further, and would have probably rebelled and caused further harm not only to himself and his family, so she allowed him to let out everything from his system knowing, in the end, he would be able to find his own way back.

So it was understandable how happy she felt when T'Challa came back with the said assassin wanting to help him recover after learning why he did what he did.

Then after that in a few years, the snap happened, and (Y/n) did not disappear like half of the universe. Because of Fury's disappearance, Shield contacted her begging her to come back and help them control the chaos, which she reluctantly did. She did not want to go but Queen Ramonda assured her that they will keep in touch and that Wakanda was probably more prepared than the rest of the world, which was engulfed in chaos.

(Y/n) might have lived centuries, but those 5 years felt longer and emptier. Jumping from country to country to help assert order, calling what is left of the Avengers to see if they had anything they could use, and when she has time she would contact Shuri and Ramonda. At the start of her, "immortality" (Y/n) would have depressive episodes that she struggled greatly with but thanks to the ancient one who helped her learn how to cope with it, she thought she got over it but there she was crying in her apartment wishing that all of it would just end, the loneliness is getting to her again and she was afraid that this time she won't be able to escape it.

Thankfully, Scott Lang showed up and gave them the hope to fix all of this. When they finally built the time machine (Y/n) told them that she was going back to Wakanda to tell them the good news, coincidentally, shortly after the time of her arrival the people who had disappeared in the middle of the battlefield materialized back. (Y/n) cried with joy as she saw T'Challa reunite with his family.

After the war was over (Y/n) resigned despite Fury's attempts to persuade her to stay, but she refused because she did not want to be alone anymore. She moved permanently to Wakanda, who welcomed her with open arms. She became an unofficial consultant to King T'Challa, whether it was concerning his people or his love life she was there to aid him, same with Shuri who always told her about different types of shields and weapons that she could create for (Y/n) to protect herself with since she was still just a human, she would keep Ramonda company when her children were too occupied with their work to be with her.

They were her family, her people, but she knew that one day she would have to say goodbye to them as she continued living, but she didn't expect that goodbye would come much too soon with T'Challa.

(Y/n) was with Shuri in the lab trying to help her think of how to bring the plant back to save him, if they could turn back time to save half the universe then why not bring back an extinct plant to save their king. But when T'Challa asked to see them, (Y/n) went while Shuri stayed back saying that she was so close and can't waste time.

"I… I have a request to make-" His words were cut off by a harsh cough, which caused (Y/n) to hurry to his side in an attempt to soothe him.

"Don't strain yourself." She lectured but T'Challa shook his head and waved his hand to those who were in the same room extracting them to leave them alone, before turning back to her.

"My great aunt…" He murmured with a tired smile, which caused (Y/n)'s heart to ache as she fought back tears.

"I know that I might be asking too much of you…" he uttered between gasps as he struggled to breathe. "Take it … as a dying man's … final wish…"

"Don't say that, Shuri and I will find a way to bring back the plant and you will be good again." she assured. "Just … please hang on a little bit longer."

He just smiled at her, which caused (Y/n) to break into tears, T'Challa squeezed her hand as a way to comfort her but it only made her cry more as his hold was also weak.

"I'm sorry to have caused you more pain…I know you had gone through enough loss… but…my time is coming soon, I can feel it." He tried to reason but (Y/n) only shook her head, refusing to acknowledge such truth. T'Challa decided to continue.

"Please look after them…" He finally confessed. "Not my mother and sister only…"

(Y/n) immediately understood the implication and looked at him and nodded as she wiped her tears.

"And don't tell Shuri…she is not ready… at least not now."

Throughout her life (Y/n) saw many different reactions to loss. Some cried and screamed until they had nothing else to let out. Others raged out, breaking everything in front of them and even fighting others. There are those few who ignored it and continue with life as if nothing had happened, very few accept it. but the reaction that she saw the most of, was acting hastily and irrationally. Whether it was by saying something they don't mean or doing something that they might regret later thinking it was the best decision while they were high on emotions. Both (Y/n) and the queen understood that things weren't safe enough to bring T'Challa's son, not only the world but also Wakanda, and if Shuri found out she would probably demand that the boy be brought back or she would go to him, which would risk his safety because they still don't know how she would act when she does meet him. So after the King's death, Ramonda and (Y/n) grieved with Shuri and did their best to help her cope with her emotions.

After a year of isolating herself in her lab, Ramonda decided to take Shuri out one night so she might connect with her daughter again, which (Y/n) encouraged. She expected many reactions after their return.

Anger, more sadness, neutral as if nothing happened, and the reaction she hoped for was happiness and acceptance, but what she did not expect was both of them to return with a look of pure fear and worry.

"There was this kid- well he looked like a kid but he isn't, he has wings on his ankles!... he just comes out from the water and started making demands-" Shuri was trying to explain to (Y/n) who was lost and trying to understand her.

"Shuri, breath dear, who are you speaking about?" (Y/n) Asked with great concern.

"He said his name was Namor."

When they explained her situation more clearly, (Y/n) to try and help them come up with a plan on what they should do, she told Ramonda how some will agree to just give him the American scientist to do whatever he wants with them and that others will demand a fight. She must be the neutral ground so that they won't dare judge any decision she makes. So she decided to just bring the scientist, to at least be protected by them, and then on they would negotiate with this "Namor" person.

"What if we took great aunt with us?" piped in Shuri and her mother and Okoye's not so whispered conversation. "Maybe even call in my favorite colonizer."

Ramonda was hesitant when she thought it was only Okoye and Shuri but having the great aunt with them reassured her a bit, that's why (Y/n) can't imagine how she must be as she stared up at the walls of the cave around her. She was the first to wake up after she, Shuri, and Riri were taken by the blue soldiers whom she assumed were Namor's. The women that were assigned to them, who were also blue, motioned for her to come with them, giving sleeping Shuri one last look (Y/n) hesitantly followed her to a room covered in murals, and in the middle of it He stood.

"I assumed you are Namor?" She questioned, earning his attention.

When their eyes met (Y/n)'s heart thumped heavily against her rib cage, her body felt as if something washed over her as if something was lifted, and looking at him she could tell he probably felt it too because he gave her a look of bewilderment. Before any of them could say anything another woman came and told him something and he replied to her an order before she bowed and left.

"It looks like the princessa is awake." He stated, his voice causing a shiver to go down her spine.

"If you dared to harm her, I swear to-"

"All of you surface dwellers are the same, always marching to fight without thinking." He replied.

"Says the guy whose people ambushed us on the bridge and then kidnapped us."

"If I remember correctly it was you who came to me willingly."

"And allow you to kill an innocent soul?"

"I will kill thousands if it meant the safety of my people!"

Before she could reply to him Shuri came in and stood between him and (Y/n), in an attempt to protect her after hearing his last statement.

"And if you dared to harm my great aunt it would be you who dies next!" She threatened while glaring at him.

"Great aunt?" Repeated Namor with a puzzled look as his eyes darted between Shuri and her. then it clicked, and he focused on (Y/n). "How old are you?"

"You know … up there it's rude to ask for a woman's age." (Y/n) jested as she deflected the question, not trusting him enough to tell him anything about herself.

Having a closer look at the boy in front of her she realized that he was also around her age, he had a lean yet fit body, and his face was bare from facial hair, the thing that is giving him some sense of maturity was the accessories that he wore but from the way that he was acting he must be like her, stuck in this young body until they met their significant other, she didn't know if he was older or younger than her but what she does now is that this long life can have different effects on people, and since he was so determined to protect his people to the level of taking innocent lives she can tell he was unbalanced.

He asked to talk to Shuri privately since she was only true royalty of Wakanda, but (Y/n) still insisted to keep a safe distance so she can see them, and every now and then her eyes met his when Shuri wasn't paying attention, it's as if he was examining her and she couldn't blame him because she was doing the same thing to him. (Y/n) protested when he offered for Shuri to see his home but the princess assured her that she was going to be safe, when she did come back after what felt like forever she was met with a tight hug.

"I'm fine." Shuri assured as she hugged her back.

"I'm just glad that you're back safe." (Y/n) pulled away enough to examine the princess, then glared at Namor who chuckled at your actions.

"Great aunt I'm fine… it… it was beautiful!" Shuri exclaimed excitedly.

Shuri started chattering away to (Y/n) about the city that she saw, the Talokan, its people, and the "sun" that he had built for them, Namor was right beside them listening in, probably to make sure she doesn't tell too much.

"She is the first from the surface to come to Talokan." He confined before pulling out a bracelet to give it to Shuri. "Please take this as a token of our gratitude."

Before Shuri could accept his gift (Y/n) stopped him, being suspicious.

"What is it?" Shuri was about to lecture her about being too paranoid, but Namor's answer confirmed her suspicions.

"It was made with the plant that saved Talokan." He informed as he continued to give the bracelet to Shuri and tight on her wrist, he was staring at (Y/n) as if silently challenging her to stop him again before turning back to Shuri.

"You are young, Princess." He Stated. "When you age as I do, you realize we all lose everyone we love."

"But when I lost my brother, it just felt different." Shuri said with grief in her voice. "He suffered in silence. When he finally asked me to help him I couldn't"

(Y/n) hugged her in an attempt to comfort her and the princess leaned into it as she fought tears.

"How does it make sense that the ancestors would give me gifts and skills to help me save my brother, and I couldn't?... Why?"

"I don't have an answer for that question." Replied Namor.

"But I do…" (Y/n) chimed in earning both their attention. "My dear, I won't go into a long rant about what the ancestors were planning for you. I have lived long enough and have come across many religions, but most of them if not all believed in similar things and that life challenges us to become better. It can be a very painful journey, but what I know for sure is that you can never come out as the defeated if you knew how to harvest those talents and skills along with those emotions you can be better, not only for yourself but for everyone around you."

Shuri sat there as if she was not convinced by what (Y/n) just said, even pulling herself away from her hold, which saddened her. Seeing the woman's frown Namor felt the need to comfort her, but he didn't know how until he finally said.

"My ancestors would often say, "Only the most broken people can be great leaders"." Those words earned him the two women's attention again.

"I admire what you have built here." Started Shuri. "And you've protected your people. But as a princess of Wakanda, I will not stand for you killing that young woman."

They tried reasoning with the king but their efforts were in vain as every time they tried to reason with him, promising him that they will do everything to protect not only his people but also the secrecy of their existence, he refused. Their conversation was cut short when one of his people came and told him that the queen was there to speak with him.

"You said you wanted to burn the world." He said to Shuri. "Let's burn it together."

And before he left completely he gave a glance to (Y/n), which she returned. When they went back to Riri to tell her of the possible upcoming war, Shuri and (Y/n) tried to discuss their next move, not noticing when Nakia came shooting one of the women warriors, then the poor terrified girl who was tending to them.

"We need to go." Nakia urged but both Shuri and (Y/n) refused to.

"Give me the beads I can save her." the princess ordered.

"Shuri, I don't know who this lady is, but we need to listen to her." Riri pleaded, fear clear on her face.

"Listen, I hit her with a sonic round, it is lethal from this distance. There is no chance." Nakia informed.

"You don't understand this will mean war." Shuri argued back.

(Y/n), sick of their banter, pulled Shuri's hands away from the injured girl before pulling her own beads and started aiding her herself.

"Shuri, go." (Y/n) ordered.

"Great aunt-"

"I said GO!"

With that said Nakia pulled Shuri away knowing that there is no time to also convince (Y/n) to come with them, the princess was a priority and both of them knew that. The immortal woman refused to pull away from the injured girl until she was sure that the bleeding stopped, she was so focused that she did not notice when Namor came behind her, and upon seeing the blood he pulled (Y/n) away harshly to kneel beside the girl and hold her head in his hands.

"What happened my child?" He spoke in his language, which (Y/n) did not understand, she was about to say something but stopped when another warrior came and slammed her to the ground pinning her.

"The Wakandans….they came for her." she struggled to speak, before pointing to (Y/n). "She stayed…"

Namor looked to the pinned surface dweller who did not struggle against his warrior's hold, as if to show her submission.

"K'uk'ulkan…." The girl called, grasping his attention again. "Can you save me?"

At her question, Namor looked down at her wound and found it mostly closed and the bleeding has stopped thankfully.

"You are going to be safe my child." He said before turning to one of the warriors and giving him an order, the warrior knelt to pick up the girl and hurried out of the cave.

He stood up and walked to (Y/n), who could only see his feet, but she assumed that he was staring down at her, and he was. Another woman came dressed in red to speak with him.

"They came… while you spoke to the queen?" She questions. "We should not have trusted her, the queen has seen our home, what is stopping them from coming for Talokan?"

"I will…" He replied. "With her here."

Namor order the warriors to bring her to his hut, and even though they did it harshly by pulling her up and dragging her around like a rag doll (Y/n) still did not fight back and kept calm. She was forced to stand in front of him as they were left alone and Namor knew it was a struggle for the woman for he can see how her figure was shaking slightly, yet her face held a stern look.

"You attempted to kill my people." He started.

"You kidnapped their princess, what did you expect them to do? To set back and wait?" (Y/n) shot back, which earned her a scowl from the king.

"If that child have died it would be your head on a spike right now."

"But she didn't."

Namor was in front of her in an instant and grabbed her by the neck and squeezed, not giving her any chance to breathe, and just watched as (Y/n) struggled.

"I could snap your neck like a twig right now and they won't care. The Wakandans have proven to be just as worst as the rest of the surface dwellers after I have shown my home and people to her and you dare to still defend them in front of me."

"B..Because…" (Y/n) struggled to take breaths as she spoke. "You…are a rash … brat!"

With those words Namor let her go, causing her to fall to the ground as she took quick breaths.

"A brat?" He repeated. "I may look young but I assure you I am older than your great great grandfather."

"And I can be your great great GREAT grandmother." She retorted mockingly. "You are not special just because you lived long, because you are not acting it."

"How dare you insult me!" He seethed.

"No." (Y/n) stopped him from talking more as she stood on her feet. "You are the one who came out of nowhere demanded an innocent life delivered to you, and even when you had her you still wanted more. you didn't want peace from the start you just want the war to quench your own rage against humanity."

"They are the ones who threatened my people's existence by exposing their resources, causing them to hunger for it."

"Maybe they shouldn't have done that, but to be fair Wakanda did not know of your people's existence when they revealed themselves they were ready to fight the world by themselves, they didn't know of Talokan, or else it would have been a different story." (Y/n) continued. "Listen, what happened has happened and we cannot change it, but what we can change is what will happen next. Both the Wakandans and I have ways to assure Talokan's safety, we can-"

"I don't need your help!" He bawled. "I gave Wakanda their chance to yield and they threw it away."

"See! There you go again and you say why I call you a child."

Namor reached out to her and (Y/n) closed her eyes and held her hands up ready for pain but it didn't come, and when she opened her eyes slowly she could see that he had stepped back and given her his back as he faced the murals of his people.

"The only reasons you are still alive are two." He said as he turned back to face her, his face suspiciously calm. "The first is because you stayed to save one of my people, which I would be lying if I said I wasn't grateful for."

He started taking a few steps toward her making her take a few steps back until her back touched the door, he stopped in front of her and leaned forward, his face inches from her own. (Y/n) wasn't the same teenage girl who would get flustered over the smallest things, like a charming smile, or a wink but she doesn't understand why was her heart beating fast she was face to face with a man in an isolated cave that she can never escape from, who can kill her at any desired moment. She would have marked it as fear if she didn't feel her face heating up.

"You are welcome." She replied, trying to make light of her emotions. "And what is the second reason?"

"Isn't it obvious?" He asked rhetorically, before looking to the door behind her. "Llévala!"

Suddenly, the door opened almost making her fall but was caught by the same warriors who brought her here, instead of being as compliant as she was previously, she was struggling and demanding to be let go.

"The second reason is for you to stay here as my captive, that if the princess decided to do anything stupid it would be you who will pay for it."

He promised and motioned for his hand for them to take her away, but before she was out of earshot (Y/n) said one last thing.

"Don't do anything rash you brat! It's not only the Wakandans who will suffer!"

Namor believed that those words were a threat, which fueled his determination to go and give Wakanda a taste of who they are going against.

---

(Y/n) was pacing back and forth in her cell, anxiety eating her alive as she was biting her lip until it bleed and nail until it was gone. Looking outside her cell she saw the guards who didn't move an inch since they threw her there, she tried talking to them but they either didn't understand her or just ignored her. Searching for an escape was useless, she did try to use the beads to communicate with Shuri and warn her about Namor but a cave under the sea is hardly the perfect place to find a signal to the surface let alone to Wakanda. (Y/n) made a note to herself to tell Shuri about a possible new upgrade.

She was pulled out of her train of thought when she heard the sound of splashing. She wasted no time and pressed herself against the bars and started to call.

"NAMOR!" She shouted. "Namor! Is that you!?"

Saying nothing the king came from the corner, and looked at her and when her eyes met his own she could feel a chill of fear go down her spine. (Y/n) lived long enough to know what that look meant, but she hoped to any god that is hearing her that what she was thinking was not the truth.

"What did you do?" The question slipped out unconsciously. Namor averted his eyes with an angry huff at being confronted, but in his eyes, she could see a hint of shame, and that filled her with rage. "If you hurt Shuri in any way I promise I will kill you myself!"

(Y/n) saw many people die in her long life, most of them were really dear to her, but no matter how many times she goes through the heartache doesn't become easier, especially if she was there since their birth. The only reason she was able to go through T'Chaka and T'Challa's death was that she had someone to support her and people to look after to distract herself. But here she was alone, in a cave under the sea, facing the man who probably hurt Shuri and not being able to do anything.

"No harm came to the queen." He replied simply, and that fueled her rage.

"I was talking about the princess! Not the queen!"

"She is queen now."

Namor said nothing more as he started walking away leaving (Y/n) to realize what he had meant. Before he could close the door to his chamber he can hear a distant scream of distress and a series of curses of his name. He just groaned as he isolated himself in his room trying to block her voice as he thought about his next step before the week is up. However, he couldn't do any of that for the entire time he was fighting the urge to walk to that cell and stop her from crying, not by yelling at her but by trying to reason with her, to try and justify his actions, how it was the only way. Or maybe it was just to let her let out her anger against him, give her the satisfaction to curse at him, and probably even hit him, which he know will not do any real harm to him.

It drove him crazy, but what drove him even crazier is WHY was he feeling these urges towards a surface dweller. Was it because he understood her pain? To live for so long and see everyone around you die and not be able to do anything to stop it? to not being able to say goodbye to someone you knew since their birth?

He couldn't dwell on those questions more as he realized that it became quiet again, taking the chance that her screams will not distract him Namor went immediately to planning. Determined to bring Wakanda to submit to him.

---

"There is another machine in our waters"

Namor said from outside of the cell as he stared at the back of his immortal prisoner who decided to set in the corner with her back to the exit, completely ignoring the king, which annoyed him. but he couldn't find it in himself to voice this annoyance.

"We will go and destroy it." He informed. "But there will still be a guard over you and a maid to make sure you are fed and looked after."

When he said those words his eyes landed on the bowl of fruit that was untouched and it bothered him greatly. He knew she was immortal and cannot die so easily like himself, but he knew that they were still affected by physical pains, including hunger, and (Y/n) didn't have anything for almost a week now. The only thing he was sure of to keep her functioning was the few sips of water she would take now and then. He did try to trick her once into drinking juice but when he did that she still refused to take it. Whether it was out of grief or she was just being rebellious either way, it saddened him and angered him at the same time.

He didn't even know why was he trying to talk to her now. He tried talking to her since the day he told her of what happened, but she kept ignoring him, making him feel stupid as he had a one-sided conversation, trying to justify what he did and lecturing her on how what she was doing to herself was stupid but she didn't care.

Feeling that he had wasted enough time Namor huffed in anger before turning around to leave, then he finally heard her.

"You are going to regret it."

"What?" He questioned as he turned back to her, but she went back to being quiet. "What did you just say?"

"….You are going to regret it."

(Y/n) finally looked at him from over her shoulder. Her eyes were bloodshot and puffy from crying, her hair disheveled and her skin pale from lack of nutrition. He didn't say another as she turned again and gave him her back.

Namor would have probably lashed out at her, confronting her on the threat she threw at him, but she said nothing as he turned back and walked away. it was probably because her voice did not sound threatening or taunting, but rather a statement.

---

(Y/n) eyes tiredly opened as someone was shaking her awake and calling her name in a panic. When the fog cleared up she saw that standing above and holding her in their arm is none other than Shuri, whose eyes were full of tears yet still had a relieved smile on her face. She said something that she couldn't grasp before the young princess pulled her into a hug, and mustering any strength she had left (Y/n) hugged her back as a few tears escaped her eyes.

Looking up she noticed that Namor was standing there the entire time, observing the reunion in silence, but that wasn't what drew her attention, but rather a scratch mark on his face, and one of his ankles was wrapped in bandages, he was wearing a poncho that covered his upped body but she swears she could see more, and deeper scratches littering his body. Their eyes met and looking at him (Y/n) almost didn't recognize him, she didn't know how long she was out for, but she could swear that Namor looked more mature.

"What did you do to her?!" Shuri shouted at the King, snapping him out of whatever trance he was lost in, and turned to her.

"I did not lay a finger on her or mistreated her." He clarified. "She is the one who refused to eat or drink after… the news."

He said the last part quietly as he looked away in shame. When he said that more tears showed on (Y/n) at the memory and pulled Shuri back into a hug, squeezing her as hard as she can, which wasn't a lot but it was enough for the princess who hugged her back crying silently.

"I'm so sorry my dear." (Y/n) said her voice horse from not talking or consuming anything. "I…I wish I was there… I should have…"

"You have nothing to apologize for." Shuri assured as she cut her off. "Let's just go back home."

(Y/n) let out a sound of surprise as Shuri hooked her left arm under her legs and the right one on her back before lifting her up, which shocked the weak woman.

"Are you wearing some type of a new upgrade?.. Because I'm sure that I haven't lost THAT much weight for you to just lift me like I weigh nothing."

Her question made Shuri laugh as she carried her outside the cave, passing by Namor who stayed out of their way and just followed them silently. When they reached the edge of the pool Shuri was moving around (Y/n) to give her the latest update that would help her swim easily even in her weak state. During that, she would steal glances at Namor and each time his eyes never left her. She wanted to say something but couldn't or didn't know what to say, and from his few glances at Shuri, she can tell that he was also hesitant to speak. The sound of reeving power pulled her out of her thoughts as she saw the machine wrapped around her glitter with pulsed energy indicating that it was ready.

"We can go now, just make sure you stay close to me."

She instructed before reaching around her neck to activate the mask but (Y/n) stopped her, which earned her a confused look, but her great-aunt simply turned to the king who was still standing there. Namor's face showed no emotion but he was preparing himself for her to lecture him, insult him, curse him, let out her pent-up anger, and maybe even express her disappointment since she did warn him that his rash actions would cause him to lose in more ways than one. but he didn't count on her to give him a kind smile as if they were close friends.

"I will see you again."

Not a question, but a promise. If the feeling of surprise was obvious on his face then none of the women mentioned it as they dived into the water and left. When he broke out of his surprised state he just scuffed and went back to his chamber where he will paint a mural of the battle that took place against the black panther for his people's history. But in a different part of the room, one where it was mostly for himself he painted the immortal woman, when she interacted with him, when she saved the maid, and when she was his prisoner.

"I will see you again."

The promise echoed in his head, which made him unconsciously smile while he painted her smile, secretly excited and hoping for the next meeting to come soon.

---

(Y/n) sat on her private beach under the umbrella with a book in hand, trying to relax but her eyes kept scanning over the same paragraph without absorbing any of the words as she kept recalling what happened on her last visit to Wakanda which was last week.

"I'm sorry, what??" (Y/n) exclaimed as she stared at the screen that the A.I presented for both her and Shuri, who also was in disbelief.

"Your body aged 2 years." Griot repeated as he held up 2 pictures of (Y/n) on the glass screen and started noting the slight differences. "There are discreet changes, for example, Your muscles and bones have grown stronger, your weight changed, which brings up your metabolism lowering very slightly, but it is still noticeable like the start of wrinkles showing around the eyes and acne surfacing-"

"That's enough, Griot." Shuri cuts him off as she stares at (Y/n) who was in shock.

She always knew that she was still a mortal despite her long life but for it to finally start to come close to an end without her being aware of it was overwhelming. Shuri did not leave (Y/n)'s side since they found out, she did her best to comfort her great aunt, even starting teasing her and listing to all the possible people that she had met that could be her soulmate, but (Y/n) shot every possibility down for she already had someone in mind and instead of explaining it to the now queen of Wakanda she excused herself to have alone time.

Shuri thought that when she said she wanted to be alone was to be left in her room until (Y/n) was ready to talk, she didn't expect to talk to her great aunt via call scolding her on when and how she left Wakanda without saying anything. But they worked it out. And here she was now, convincing herself that she just needed time to think about what to do next and how to approach the situation when she was in fact too afraid to actually face it.

"So this is where you have been hiding?"

A familiar voice asked making her jump away and take a fighting stance, an instinct she has from years of fighting and being ambushed, but she stopped when she saw that standing in front of her was none other than Namor, but he looked different.

"Did you grow a beard?" Was the first thing that came out of her mouth, which made him chuckle.

"Yes, it is nice to meet you again too." He replied sarcastically.

Namor still looked young except for the small amount of facial hair that looked well taken care of, and he felt her staring because he subconsciously reached his hand to his face and started scratching his beard as he averted his eyes.

"I always wanted to grow one but never got the chance with my body stuck at a certain age." He started explaining. "You could imagine my surprise when a few months after my battle with Wakanda that hair started to grow on my face."

His eyes then met hears again, none of them saying anything but the silence was loud enough for (Y/n) to understand what he was trying to say. Saying nothing the woman sat back down at her spot but this time made space beside her and patted it encouraging the king to set beside her, which he hesitantly did. They stayed quiet for a long time before he finally spoke.

"You have your own part of the sea?" it was more of a statement than a question.

"It's called a private beach." (Y/n) explained. "You can imagine how crowded and dirty public beaches are, and since I have a lot of money I bought my own, not even fishing boats are allowed around here."

"This part of the water did look cleaner as I came closer and the creatures beneath are thriving from the lack of fishermen and filth."

"I do my best to have my own little piece of heaven in this world." She shrugged, trying to hide some of the happiness she felt from his comment.

It was silence again between them, only the sound of the crashing waves can be heard, which eased any anxiety the two might have felt.

"How are your people? Since … well, you know…" She asked awkwardly just wanting to break the silence.

"They are well." He answered. "The black panther kept her promise on protecting my people's safety, although some of them are still unsure of the treaty."

"You say it as if you were ok with it." He tried to say something but she stopped him. "Don't even try to say you aren't, I know it was hard for you to submit."

She could practically see him tense for a moment as he clenched his jaws, probably angry but forced himself to calm down as he took a few breaths and closed his eyes.

"I will do anything for my people's safety… even if it means yielding to a worthy opponent."

"what wise words, I see you have grown more than just a beard and a mustache I see." (Y/n) teased him with a smile.

"A person grows in many ways throughout life…" He said before averting his eyes to the sea. "… Especially after meeting their soulmate."

(Y/n) eyes widened slightly as she too averted her eyes to the sea thinking about what to say next. She knew she can't escape the topic, but it didn't make it any easier to face it.

"When did you find out?"

"I wasn't sure at first." He started to explain. "When I noticed the changes in my body years ago I suspected that it could be either you or the panther."

"Then why didn't you say anything?" She asked annoyance clear in her voice. "It must have been nice having all that time to accept what is happening, but I only found out about my aging a couple of days ago."

"After the battle and everything that I have done, I wasn't sure if either of you wanted to see me again, let alone accept me as a soulmate." He explained as he turned fully to face her. "You must understand my hesitation to come up to the person I imprisoned or killed their mother and ask them to be with me."

Of course (Y/n) understood, but it is still frustrated her that he knew and she didn't, that he had the time to get in terms with this new reality, then come to her and confront her…

"Wait… how did you know it was me?" She questioned. "You keep saying that you suspected that it was either me or Shuri."

"She called me." He answered. "She used the shell I gave her to call me and she told me it was about you and how to reach you."

"So much for a private beach." (Y/n) muttered to herself.

"Are you…. Are you disappointed?" He stuttered out the question causing (Y/n) to almost snap her neck with how fast she turned to him in shock.

"What?"

There was a look of concern and uncertainty, dare she say even fear in his face as he tried repeating the question.

"Are you disappointed?" He asked again this time more firmly.

"About what?" She asked not because she was confused but rather because she was unsure if he was indeed asking her that.

"About me being your soulmate." He continued. "I know it must be how you feel given the brief past we had. But that was in different situations, we can start anew as you humans put it, to know each other more before deciding hastily to not see each other again and then-"

"Wait! Wait wait wait WAIT!"

(Y/n) interrupted him quickly catching the king by surprise at her sudden outburst, her hands were up wanting him to halt any more words but her face was facing down, so he was not able to see her expression. He started panicking a little when her shoulders were shaking slightly, thinking the reality of their bond upset her, but his confusion grew when she started giggling before letting out a bark of laughter. Her sudden change of behavior was alarming to the king, dare he say he was offended.

"Can I ask why are you laughing at my confession?" He asked calmly yet the silent anger behind it was very clear.

It didn't intimidate (Y/n), but she forced herself to calm down for her soulmate seems to have a very short temper, which she noted to herself to work on with him. She stopped her laughter but her smile was still showing.

"Sorry, I'm not laughing at you, but at what you said." When gave a confused look she started explaining. "You came here confessing to me how you thought your soulmate could be either the warrior queen of Wakanda who also happens to be the new Black Panther or some woman with no title nor magic power of some kind and you ask me if I was disappointed with having the king of an underwater city, who is worshiped as a god, for a soulmate."

He seems to understand her view on the matter, but he still shook his head as if disappointed. He reached forward slowly for her hand as if expecting her to pull away but when she didn't he was confident enough to grasp her hand. His rough fingers were tracing the lines in the palm of her hand.

"You are… a woman, a human woman who doesn't have the power of the panther nor that of a god." He stated making her narrow her eyes at him.

"Buuut?" (Y/n) asked calmly yet that was this small hint of irritation, which made him chuckle. Seeing his smile made her show a smile of her own.

"But...You still walked this earth as one."

"As one you mean?" she trailed off confused.

"As a creature who pushes beyond the limitation they were given." He continued before looking up at her, his eyes holding softness towards her. "The panther told me of your past, or at least what she knows of it."

If he felt her hand tense in his hold he said nothing and just continued to rub the palm of her hand with his thump, it helped soothe her nerves but she still felt uneasy about what he had to say next.

"I don't know what you exactly did, but I know enough to tell from our short time together… that you didn't set back and watched as the world passed by around you. Learning everything the world has to give and returning it by helping those around you. You had a great part in building this world, even when they don't deserve it."

(Y/n) didn't know whether to roll her eyes or laugh at his last statement. They have to work on that attitude of his if they are going to act on what is happening between them.

"I understand how you feel." She finally said, getting the king's full attention. "But I decide who deserves me or my labors, whether they would misuse it or not I will be the judge of that and will take responsibility for it."

Namor said nothing and just nodded and looked away toward the crashing waves whether he respected her ideas or not he didn't show it. for a while, neither of them said anything, both of them collecting their thoughts on what to say next, and the sea king seems to beat her to it.

"What do you want to do?" He asked giving her a side glance of curiosity before looking back to the sea. His question was simple yet the real meaning behind it was real. Do you want to have anything to do with me?

"First, I want to know you more." She answered in all honesty. "I don't want to rush anything between us only to be hurt later on."

"We are soulmates." He said in an almost hurried manner probably from the fear of rejection, she gave him a reassuring smile.

"I know, I just wish to understand why did fate bind 2 different souls from 2 different worlds together."

(Y/n) explained genuinely while extending her hand to his face she stopped inches away from his face, silently asking for permission, which he gave by resting his cheek in the palm of her hand and closing his eyes as if relishing in the feeling of her hand caressing his face. She brought her other hand up to hold the other side of his face and stroked his checks while her other fingers were gently scratching his beard. She can tell Namor was enjoying her attention towards him but she had to break the moment by pulling away and causing a frown and confused look to show on his face.

"Second…" She said, reminding him of the unfinished conversation. "I need to contact some… special people I know."

"Do you mean the panther?" He asked, thinking she needed to tell her of their decision.

"Well, I will have to speak to her too, but no. I need to talk to some people who might help with our…. situation."

"Situation?" He repeated confused. (Y/n) bit her lip finding it hard to explain.

"You age very slowly… I don't." She said gently, his eyes widened slightly as if he had just realized it himself, she didn't like the sadness that started showing on his face so she explained. "I will just ask them if they have a way to extend my life."

He just nodded and gave a small smile, but the sadness was still clear in his eyes. (Y/n) knows the pain of watching the people you love grow old and disappear with time and not being able to do anything about it, but from what Shuri told her, Namor experienced this since his eyes opened to the world around him. Like her, he probably also hoped that his soulmate would show up soon to escape the loneliness. But she turned out to be a mortal, and with the time-freezing spell being lifted after their meeting, she will age in human speed while he will return to watching silently as the world kept moving fast around him, seeing people come and go into their world… including herself…

"Hey…" (Y/n) called catching the king's attention, he was met with her attempt at a comforting smile, which eased some of the grief he was feeling. "Those people live far away from any body of water but maybe I can contact one of them to come here, or maybe you can join me? You Can see some of the world and maybe even meet new people? I can understand if you don't want to, but if you did then I promise you there will be a lot of traveling to strange places. Fair warning seas king your soulmate here loves to travel a lot."

She teased him at that last part still smiling. (Y/n) she was asking him too much, not that she expected him to come with her considering not only his responsibility to his people but also his hatred for humanity, but she still wanted him to know that he is always welcome to be with her whenever he wishes to. Namor looked her in the eyes, his piercing dark eyes that 2 years ago looked at her with such loathing, now held nothing but softness towards her.

"Anywhere with you is everywhere I want to be."

Those words were spoken with such sincerity before he leaned forward and placed a kiss on top of her forehead, leaving her shocked as she stared at him with wide eyes, but the shock melted off her face and was replaced with a playful grin as she hit his shoulder.

"Don't get all sentimental on me, I thought you were a relentless sea king, not a softy lover."

"I am your lover now?" Namor asked as he scooted closer to her.

"You focused on that and not the relentless part?" (Y/n) questioned back with a raised brow.

"If it means I'm yours in the end, then yes." He had such a happy grin on his face that made her blush with how handsome he looked.

"You are so arrogant." She stated with a small chuckle as she tried to hide her face.

"But I'm yours." He replied confidently as he tried to make her look at him again.

"You're hot-tempered."

"I prefer fiery."

"God, you're obnoxious."

"Still yours."

(Y/n) was trying to push him away with every word she threw at him while fighting back laughter, but Namor kept leaning forward to her, enjoying this little game between them and wanting to enjoy her expression longer.

"Don't tell me you're going to be this clingy all the time?"

"More like affectionate and protective."

"Yeah, I have seen you being "protective" before, I know what that really means."

"Good, that means I don't have to hide it."

"what? Wait-"

(Y/n) let out a small screech as the Talokan king throw himself over her, just to lock his arms around her so she cannot escape his hold. She struggled and even hit his arms playfully, ordering him to let her go, but he wouldn't budge and just buried his face in the top of her head and closed his eyes, having a look of pure satisfaction. Seeing that, caused (Y/n) to show a smile of her own and decided to just give up the playful struggle, closed her eyes, and just relished the feeling of finally being complete.

---

I hope you guys enjoyed my first Namor fic!

#namor x reader #Ku'ku'lkán x reader #namor x female reader

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handfuloftime · 4 months

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A number of surgeons attended Duroc after his fatal wounding, including François Ribes and Alexandre-Urbain Yvan. Dominique-Jean Larrey also saw him a few hours before his death, and recorded their brief conversation in his journal. He also recounted their meeting in two of his published memoirs, and it's interesting to look at all three side by side.

First, in his journal of 1813, held in the Wellcome Collection (my transcription):

Interview with the Grand Marshal of the Palace Duke of Frioul - mortally wounded by a cannonball, he was laid in a [illegible] cottage near where he had received the fatal blow. He sent for me immediately and did not stop asking for me. I had still not rejoined the general staff however I arrived and [illegible]. He was drowsing and his eyelids were closed. I gently approached his deathbed and took his left hand with care to take his pulse and judge the condition he was in. "What is that hand that touches me and does me so much good?" he said in a trembling and plaintive voice. He opened his eyes and recognized me. "Ha! I was sure of it. It's you, my dear Larrey. I've wanted you for a while now and have waited for you impatiently. You see the state I'm in. You can't fix me up this time. But give me something that will let me end the horrible torments I'm suffering. Render me this service of a true friend. Don't let me suffer any more, my dear Larrey, I'm counting on you." My heart seized. My senses fled. I couldn't muster a single word, my tears couldn't fall and I felt my strength vanish. My friend Ribes who was nearby, took me and led me away from that awful spectacle. A new motion of drowsiness [illegible] the eyelids of my illustrious and too unlucky friend - he clutched my hand for the second time at the same instant and without a doubt his soul bade me an eternal farewell. What a sad day for me - It's one of the greatest losses I could have experienced [illegible] - the general's shade will undoubtedly pass to the abode of my two other great friends.

Then in his 1817 Mémoires de chirurgie militaire et campagnes, which gives only a short summary of the event:

On my arrival at headquarters, a short trip from Hainaut, I learned the sad news of the deaths of Generals Kirgener and Bruyeres, and the mortal injury of Marshal Duroc, Duke of Frioul. This general had asked for me several times, and was extremely impatient to see me. He had been put in a cottage belonging to one of the inhabitants of the village where he had been wounded. On entering this cottage, where I found the marshal stretched out on a pile of straw and still dressed in his uniform, I was seized with the fear of seeing that he had been struck a mortal blow. My sinister presentiment came true only too soon. Only with difficulty could he articulate a few words. The effects of his wound could be seen through the trappings that covered him, and his face was marked with a deathly pallor. He had had the wall of his lower belly carried away by a large ball, the intestines torn at several points and thrust through the abdomen. I realized, with the greatest sorrow, that all the aid of our art couldn't save him from the near and inevitable death that awaited him. Indeed, a few hours later, this general officer, one of my honorable companions in Egypt, concluded his career. His name and those of Desaix and Lannes are deeply graven in my heart in recognition of the friendship that these illustrious warriors, raised to the highest honors, always kept for me.

And finally his 1841 Relation médicale de campagnes et voyages de 1815 à 1840, which, while still cleaned up for an audience, gets a bit closer to the anguish (and the dying man's desperation) in his journal:

General Duroc (Michel), Duke of Frioul, Grand Marshal of the Palace of Napoleon, was my intimate friend and my companion in Egypt. I saved his life by the attentive and fortunate care that I gave him for a very serious wound in the right thigh, made by the explosion of a shell at the siege of Saint Jean d'Acre (see my Egyptian Campaign); I was not so lucky for the last wound he received at the end of the battle of Wurschen, in May 1813. A cannonball, fired with full force from the enemy camp, after passing through the body of General Kirgener, shaved General Duroc's belly from right to left; his clothes were torn, a large portion of the skin of his abdomen carried away, and many circumvolutions of the small intestine pierced. This interesting wounded man was nearly in his last moments, when I arrived at the cottage where he had been left. "I've waited for you very impatiently, my dear Larrey," this unfortunate General cried, once he saw me; "You can render me the last service of a friend: I feel that my wound is beyond the resources of your art, but put an end, I beg you, to the horrible torments to which I've been subjected for thirty hours, and you will have my tenderest and last farewells." He expired a few hours later. This interview was for me one of the cruelest moments of my life. The Emperor, who had visited the Marshal some hours before me, lost his most faithful friend, his surest counselor, and one of his wisest and most intrepid warriors.

#i really should get around to starting an actual blog but in the meantime #the obligatory sad post for may 23rd #duroc #larrey #napoleonic era #long post

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andy-wm · 1 year

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Why Jungkook made an explicit version of SEVEN, and why we should be thanking him for it.

The answer to the first question is short:

Because he wanted to.

THAT'S IT, AND IT'S ENOUGH.

It's his song, his career, his voice, his time. It's his choice. He doesn't need OUR approval and he certainly doesn't need our permission.

I think we should be thanking him frankly.

Not just because he made a sexy song although I think it's more sweet than sexy personally but also because it's started so many conversations that I think we need to have.

And that's what is really on my mind, The conversations we need to have, not just about JK and his artistry and his choices, but also about ARMY. About us as human beings.

Let's start with him...

JK's Adult Life:

First thing for me is that JK is UNQUESTIONALBLY an adult. But he's a (relatively) young adult in an industry that's very judgemental, controlled, and tightly scheduled.

He may have money coming out of his wazzoo and millions of adoring fans, but he has limited personal freedom. It's sure as hell not an exchange I would make. I'd choose an average income and the freedom to walk down the street hand in hand with my guy without making headlines - every day of the week.

The fact that he has any kind of personal life is cause for celebration in my eyes. And like the 19+ version of the song, it should be his choice.

I hope it is what he wants it to be. I hope he does have s3x every day of the week if he wants it (and I'm quietly cheering him on) but I don't need to know. I'm not going looking for any information (gossip, let's be real) about that aspect of his life because it's none of my business.

JK's Artistic and Creative Choices:

The songs he sings, the photos he poses for, the choreo for his dances, the words he speaks... these are his creative expression. To an extent they reflect who he is as a person, but largely they reflect a concept or story he wants to tell with his music. I would really hate it if he started creating work with the aim of pleasing someone else (ARMY, or the media, or any other entity). To me that would mean he had lost his self-belief, and that his spirit was broken. It would be a sign that he was more motivated by fear of rejection than by his own desires and creativity.

Personally I love that he trusts us and shows us so much of himself through his art. If that ever changed, it would be a sad, sad day indeed.

Cool, that was easy

Now let's talk about ARMY - and for the purposes of this discussion, I'm talking about ALL OF ARMY but mostly in relation to JK.

ARMY - Our Diverse Fandom:

The fandom has a beautifully broad demographic. I love that about us. Of course it means we have differences, but if we acknowledge that and we respect each other's right to those differences, we are all good.

And because we are all fabulously unique individuals, it's a given that not everything JK (or BTS) creates will appeal to every one of us.

BUT...

We can support their right to make creative choices without engaging with the things that don't work for us.

If some ARMYs are uncomfortable with explicit lyrics, they can scroll past/skip/block songs that are outside their comfort zone.

If some of ARMYs are minors, their parents can supervise their media consumption (because that's their job as parents).

If some ARMYs feel that songs about making woopie aren't their jam, they can instead listen to other songs that are more to their taste.

Magic! Problem solved!

Not really...

We really do need to talk about S3X

ARMY, we are humans:

Most humans have s3x. As adults (hopefully), when we are ready (hopefully), and if we want to (hopefully).

So what's the big deal about an adult making a choice to sing about that? We were all fine with him singing about 'loving you seven day a week' but when he clarified what that meant, suddenly there was a crisis.

Is it the word F**K? Because if it is, that word is everywhere and it's honestly just a word. He's sung it before. RM sang it, YG sang it, JM sang it. And let's be real, Letto's lyrics were far more explicit and she didn't say that word once.

WARNING: REAL S3X TALK COMING UP.

Is it because he's explicitly telling us that he's sexually active? Did we forget he's an adult? Where do we think he learned to move his hips like that... yoga?

For the ARMYs who are shocked that JK is sexually active, where do you think you came from? We humans don't reproduce like flowers. You were also concieved. Your parents, your grandparents, your great grandparents, have all had s3x... probably many, many times because s3x isn't only about reproduction. It's also about human connection, pleasure, stress relief, and being an adult.

In his live, JK told us that he doesn't consider the explicit lyrics to be 'dirty' and that's awesome.

S3x positivity is healthy both physically and emotionally. Seiously, considering how much of our humanity is linked to this instinctive need, it would be so much better if we weren't conditioned to feel shame about it. If we were instead taught to talk about it comfortably, to express our desires, to understand our bodies, and to protect our rights.

I could go on and on about this (and about control, the patricarchy, and body autonomy) but let's just say that JK is right. It's not dirty, its not immoral. When consenting adults choose to do it with someone they trust it's f**king awesome.

If the term sex positive is new to you and you want to find out more, please do. It could make all the difference in the world to your happiness as an adult. There are many websites you can look at to get more information. This is just one.

Even if nobody else is going to, I am going to say THANK YOU JK for this opportunity to talk about s3x. It's an important part of being human!

*I'm censoring my language so the ratings police don't block this post.

*as always, opinions expressed here are my own.

#jikook #kookmin #국민 #jeon jungguk #jungkook seven #sex positive #lyrics #adulthood #relationships

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maboroshi-no · 10 months

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Hamefura Movie Novel Chapter 1 Summary

I am currently reading the light of the novel of the upcoming Hamefura movie and will write summaries as I read.

________________________

Chapter 1: The Foreign Merchant Caravan

Katarina Is in the Royal Castle

Katarina is currently walking in the royal castle's garden. She is in high spirits because she has finally graduated from the Academy of Magic.

Today, Geordo has invited Katarina for tea, and she has come alone since Keith had to set out for work with their father this morning. Katarina feels sad that she, Keith, and her friends will start going their own ways. She is also feeling nervous about working at the Ministry of Magic. It will be her first working experience (if she doesn't count her part-time jobs in her past life), and it happens to be at the most prestigious organization in the country.

Pochi Runs Off

Pochi has come out of her shadow and is looking at her. Katarina scolds him for coming out of his own. Pochi suddenly dashes somewhere. Katarina chases after him.

Katarina arrives in a gloomy place on the outskirts of the castle. She has lost sight of Pochi. She sees an opened door and guesses that Pochi must have gone through it. There is a "No Trespassing" sign at the door. She enters nevertheless while hoping that it will be okay as long as she doesn't stay for long.

Inside, there are a lot of dusty art pieces like vases, paintings, and statues. Katarina finally finds Pochi and scolds him for running away. Then she sees a little creature behind Pochi. She asks it where it comes from, and it replies "Piyo". She takes the little bird with her.

Taking the Tea at Geordo's Place

Geordo is puzzled about why a bird would be in the room storing the royal family's art pieces. Mary wonders if it might not be a bird kept in the royal castle's garden since it seems used to people. Alan doesn't think so since he hasn't heard anything like it. Sophia thinks it might be a bird that came from the outside, and Nicol agrees. Maria wonders what species it is. Keith doesn't recognize the species either and wonders if it might be a new species of birds. Katarina asks Geordo if he has any idea about the species of the bird.

Geordo: Well, I wonder… It is indeed intriguing, but what I find most curious is why everyone is here even though you're the only one I have invited for tea.

Katarina is surprised. Since everyone was here when she arrived, she was convinced that he had invited everyone.

Mary happily tells Geordo that she won't let him steal a march on her. The others add that they have also wanted to have tea with Katarina. Geordo is displeased.

Keith scolds Katarina for entering an off-limits place without permission.

Since Katarina doesn't know where to return the bird, she asks it if it wants to go with her. The bird replies "Piyo". As a consequence, Katarina takes the bird back with her to the Claes's house.

??? POV

A man thanks a dying man for having always supported him. He is crying since he is about to lose the first friend he has ever made.

The dying man tells the other man that even if he is about to lose his soul, he will return to this world with a new one. When he does, he will search for the man again, and if he finds him, he asks the man to become his friend again. The man is taken aback since his friend is serious. He tells him that he will wait for him. The dying man smiles with relief and then dies. The man believed in the last words of his friend and kept waiting for him for a long time.

The man wakes up after having this nostalgic dream. He senses a presence that he has never sensed until now. He rushes outside and hears some flapping sounds. He senses his partner in the bird and is happy that his friend has been reborn.

Though, the man is troubled about what to do now. He should probably report this to "that man" since others can easily feel the presence in the bird and he would be blamed if he doesn't report it right away, causing his precious ones to suffer. But if he reports it, "that man" will ask him to bring it to him.

The man reluctantly decides to make his report. The bird brushes his head against his cheek as if to comfort him.

Katarina's POV

Piyo and Everyone

It has been a little while since Katarina has taken Piyo back with her.

Piyo is incredibly cute. Keith was initially indifferent about Piyo, but now he dotes on him whenever he is free from work. Millidiana was angry at first since Katarina had brought in yet another weird creature, but now she secretly dotes on Piyo and brings him some feed. The girls, but also the boys, are also fond of Piyo and come see him with treats. Especially Alan: he always makes sure to bring some treats that Piyo might like, so Piyo has started to like him. The girls brush Piyo's feathers, put some tiny ornaments on him, and dotes on him, and Piyo enjoys it.

Since everyone fusses about Piyo, Katarina thinks Pochi might feel lonely. She summons him and pets him. She thinks Pochi is not any less cute than Piyo. She enjoys both Pochi and Piyo's softness.

Katarina and Anne Go Out Shopping in Town

Katarina is suddenly called by Anne. Anne notifies her that her carriage is ready. Katarina makes Pochi return inside her shadow and puts Piyo on her shoulder. Piyo always behaves whenever on her shoulder. Anne brushes the grass off Katarina's dress (because she was playing with her pets) and they depart.

Katarina is going out to town today since her friends have plans and won't come to visit. She will buy the new volume of a romance novel and eat cakes at popular pastry shops. Anne is accompanying her because Keith, Luigi, and Millidiana are worried about her going out alone. Keith even reminded her not to follow strangers even if they give her sweets. Katarina is 17 now. She legally is an adult in Sorcier, she has graduated from the Academy of Magic and she will soon start working. Despite this, everyone seems to treat her like a young child. There are so many overprotective people around her.

Katarina Sees a Foreign Merchant Caravan

Looking out the window of the carriage, Katarina suddenly sees some big tents. She asks Anne what they are. Anne replies that they are most likely a caravan of merchants. Katarina is unfamiliar with them, so Anne explains that they are a group of merchants traveling the country to buy and sell goods, like some kind of moving shops. Katarina is amazed since it is her first time seeing any. It is also a first for Anne.

It seems to be a caravan of foreign merchants. Katarina asks Anne what kind of goods they sell. Anne replies that they sell things like fabrics or gemstones.

Katarina grows curious and asks Anne if they can take a look. Anne refuses since it can be dangerous. Katarina insists and tells her they will just take a little look and go back right away if it feels dangerous. She adds that Piyo also wants to take a look. Piyo chirps in agreement. Anne finally gives in. They will have a little look and go back right away if it feels even a tiny bit dangerous. Katarina thanks Anne.

Katarina and Anne Visit the Foreign Merchant Caravan

Katarina and Anne have come towards the big tents. There are many people and a lively atmosphere in the air, like a festival. Katarina sees goods spread on carpets and people wearing turbans. It really seems to be a caravan of foreign merchants. Katarina is extremely excited and pulls Anne's hand to the nearest shop tent. Inside, Katarina is amazed by all these goods she has never seen before: vivid fabrics, accessories, and handicrafts.

Katarina gazes at the woodcraft of an animal. She wonders if she should buy it as a souvenir. Piyo flaps his wing when he sees the woodcraft. Katarina moves Piyo next to it. Piyo looks at it silently. The statue seems to represent some sort of bird, but Katarina doesn't recognize it. She asks the merchant what kind of bird it is. The merchant replies it is the guardian deity of his country. Katarina asks him which country he is from. The merchant replies he comes from Mutlaq. Katarina is confused since she doesn't know it. The merchant tells her it is understandable since his country is far away and they mostly have no trade with Sorcier. Katarina wonders why they would expressly go all the way to Sorcier. She is about to ask the merchant, but then she hears some music.

The music comes from foreign musical instruments played on a wooden stage near the tent. Piyo runs towards the music. Katarina chases Piyo but she has a hard time moving through the crowd of people.

Katarina Watches a Dancing Show

Katarina arrives at the stage where the music is played. A veiled girl dressed like a dancer from Arabian Nights appears and starts dancing to the music. Her dance is different from the ones in Sorcier and she moves like a butterfly. Then a tiger appears and joins her dance. After the dance, the dancer and the tiger bow their heads, and the crowd loudly cheers and applauds. Katarina was entranced by the dance.

Katarina Chases Piyo

Katarina suddenly remembers that she was chasing Piyo. She looks hard on the ground and worries about people crushing Piyo under their feet. Then she finally sees Piyo near a tent. She rushes towards it and calls Piyo. Piyo ignores her and enters the tent through a slight opening. Katarina is troubled and wonders if she should ask a merchant for permission to go inside. Then she remembers the tiger from the show and fears Piyo might get eaten. She finally enters the tent using the same opening.

Katarina Meets a Boy

Inside, there are a lot of goods, so Katarina has a hard time searching for Piyo. Then she hears "Piyo" and the voice of a boy amusingly asking Piyo where he came from. The boy wears a turban and carries Piyo in his hand. Katarina shouts in relief since she has finally found Piyo. Hearing her, the boy gets wary and sternly asks her who she is.

Katarina looks at the boy closely. He is an Arabian-style pretty boy.

Katarina explains to the boy that she saw her bird entering the tent and that she entered it too because she feared he might get eaten by the tiger. She apologizes.

The boy's expression softens a bit and he tells her that the tiger over there won't eat anything without his permission. Katarina is startled and finally realizes the presence of the tiger in the room. The tiger gives her a displeased look and goes back to sleep. Katarina feels like the tiger is acting like a cat. The boy mutters that tigers and cats are close species after all. The boy appears to be curt but kind. The tiger seems to be asleep. It feels weird to Katarina to have a big and scary animal sleeping next to her.

Katarina remembers how the tiger acted like a cat when it left the stage led by a person. She asks the boy if he is the one taking care of the tiger. The boy confirms with an expressionless face. Katarina is amazed to see someone who can make a tiger act like a cat. Then she looks at Piyo happily swinging his tail on the boy's hand, without any intention of going back to her. She is shocked to see Piyo so affectionate with someone he has just met while it took her days to get friendly with him.

Katarina tells the boy that he seems to be loved by animals. She is jealous of him since dogs hate her and other animals don't particularly love her. The boy curtly tells her that it is just that he knows how to handle animals since it is his job. Despite his curt tone, Katarina feels like he is a gentle boy.

Katarina is about to ask the boy what his job is, but then a falcon flies over and sits on the boy's shoulder. When Katarina exclaims how pretty the falcon is, the falcon puffs up its chest. The boy gives the falcon a fond look and pets it. The falcon seems to enjoy it. Both of them seem to understand each other.

Katarina asks the boy what his job is. The boy replies he performs acrobatics with the animals. Katarina remembers the tiger from the show and is amazed that the boy was able to teach it its number. The boy replies that the animals just have a good memory and that he is not that amazing. Katarina still thinks he is.

Katarina asks the boy if there is also a show with the falcon. The boy replies that today's show was just a teaser and that the real one will be tomorrow. The falcon will come on stage then. Katarina is shocked because the amazing show from earlier was just a teaser. She asks the boy if anyone can watch the show. The boy replies yes. She asks the boy if she can go see it. The boy says she can come if she likes. Katarina is excited and asks the boy for his name. The boy reluctantly tells her his name: Aaqil. Katarina smiles and introduces herself as "Katarina".

Katarina and Aaqil Are Joined by Another Boy

Aaqil is called from behind by another boy of about his age. The boy is surprised to see Katarina. The boy has a girlish face. The boy asks Aaqil if Katarina is a customer. Aaqil simply tells him she is lost. The boy curiously looks at Katarina.

Katarina explains her circumstances to the boy and apologizes. She extends her hand towards Piyo in Aaqil's hand, but he looks away with a displeased look. Katarina is shocked because she didn't expect Piyo to react like that. Looking at her, the boy lets out a laugh.

The boy explains that Aaqil is an animal charmer. Katarina is shocked and wonders if Piyo got charmed. Aaqil sighs and tells her the boy is joking. He puts Piyo back in her hand. Piyo seems displeased, so Katarina wonders if the boy wasn't right after all. Katarina is sad over Piyo being displeased with her.

Qumiit Invites Katarina to Watch Them Rehearse

Aaquil asks the boy, "Qumiit", what he came for. Qumiit has come to notify him that they will start rehearsing for tomorrow. Katarina excitedly asks if the rehearsal is for tomorrow's show. Qumiit is surprised by Katarina's reaction and asks her if she heard about it from Aaqil. Katarina confirms and tells him that Aaqil even told her she could come. Qumiit grins over Aaqil "inviting" her to see the show. Aaqil curtly replies that he only told her to do what she likes.

Qumiit introduces himself to Katarina and invites her to watch them rehearse. Aaqil disapproves but Qumiit says it is fine.

Katarina is about to accept his offer, but she suddenly remembers about Anne. She explains to Qumiit that she has lost sight of her attendant and asks if she can come back once she has joined with her. Aaqil is surprised that she really happens to be lost. Katarina corrects him: she isn't lost, she has just lost sight of her attendant. Aaqil replies that it is what "lost" means. Katarina pouts. Qumiit smiles while looking at them and tells Katarina to come back once she has joined her attendant. If she tells people that she is Aaqil and Qumiit's acquaintance then people will let them in. Katarina thanks him.

Katarina takes back the reluctant Piyo and heads towards the opening she entered from. Aaqil stops her and asks her where she is going. Katarina simply replies she is going back through the opening she entered from. Aaqil sighs and asks her to properly use the exit instead. Qumiit bursts out laughing. Aaqil escorts her to the exit and asks her not to get lost and to properly use the entrance next time.

Katarina runs off to the carriage place in high spirits. She can't wait before she joins with Anne and they watch them rehearse.

Aaqil's POV

When Aaqil is back, Qumiit grinningly asks him if he has properly sent Katarina off. Qumiit is part of the merchant caravan and also Aaqil's childhood friend. Aaqil curtly says yes, annoyed by Qumiit's grin. Qumiit doesn't mind his tone and tells him that he gotta show Katarina his cool sides when she is back. Aaqil shockingly asks him why. Qumiit simply replies that it is because Aaqil obviously likes her. Aaqil starts denying it, but Qumiit ignores him and leaves the room to prepare for the rehearsal.

Aaqil is convinced that Qumiit has the wrong idea. While it is true that he is bad at talking with people, especially women, he could only talk with Katarina because she threw him out of his pace and she is easy to talk to. Though, it is not the time to talk about frivolous things like this. He closes his eyes and searches for a presence. It is coming soon.

Katarina's POV

Katarina Joins With Anne

Katarina has returned to where her carriage is parked and sees Anne with a livid face, waiting for her. Anne couldn't find her despite frantically searching for her and she was about to ask for help at the Claes house. Katarina was close to getting a good scolding from her mother.

Katarina explains to Anne how Piyo ran off and the events after, and how the merchant people have offered to let her watch them rehearse for tomorrow's show. Anne doesn't seem surprised by this turn of events. Katarina is confused.

Katarina and Anne will change their plans and watch the rehearsal of the show. Katarina keeps Piyo inside the shopping basket to prevent him from running off again. Piyo is displeased but complies after Katarina has explained her reasons.

On the Way to the Rehearsal

Katarina is surprised that merchants would give shows. Anne replies that she has never heard about merchants from Sorcier giving shows, so it must be something specific to merchants from Mutlaq.

Anne didn't see the show earlier because she was too far in the back. She is looking forward to the rehearsal.

Based on the number of people and the variety of goods, this merchant caravan seems to be a large one. While searching for Katarina, Anne heard it was a national merchant caravan. Katarina is surprised about the concept and asks if Sorcier also has one. Anne hasn't heard anything about it and thinks it must be something specific to Mutlaq. It makes sense to Katarina that a national merchant caravan could give shows. Aaqil even said that the show earlier was a teaser, so the real thing must be even more amazing. Katarina can't wait to see it.

Katarina and Anne have arrived at the tent where the rehearsal will take place. Just as Qumiit told her, Katarina tells the old man at the entrance that they are Aaqil and Qumiit's acquaintances. The old man lets them in. He asks them with a smile to give them a good advertisement. Katarina is confused. The old man explains that they give shows to attract people and have them see their goods, so it would help if she could advertise the show to the people around her. Katarina tells him she will advertise it to her friends. The old man tells her she should rather invite them to see the show. Katarina says she will. She would actually like to watch the show with her friends since she will hardly be able to see them from now on.

The old man shouts that Aaqil and Qumiit's acquaintances have arrived. A pair of twin children appear. Aaqil and Qumiit have asked them to guide Katarina and Anne to the stage where the rehearsal will take place. The twins look similar but one acts friendly while the other acts unfriendly.

The friendly twin leads the way to the stage while the other stays behind them. Katarina is surprised to see children in the merchant caravan and asks if they are part of it. The friendly twin confirms and adds that the caravan leader picked them up. Katarina is confused about the "picked up" part. The friendly twin explains that they are orphans. Katarina doesn't know what to say since she didn't expect their heavy circumstances. The unfriendly twin tells her there are a lot of orphans in their country. The friendly one adds that the caravan leader is a softhearted person who can't leave people in trouble alone. Katarina wonders if the whole caravan, including Aaqil and Qumiit, consists of people picked up by the caravan leader.

They have reached the place of rehearsal. The friendly twin invites Katarina and Anne to sit on the chairs and wait, then both twins join the other people backstage. The curtain is still down and Katarina hears some noise coming from the stage. Piyo seems like he wants to come out of the basket. Katarina lets him out and puts him on her shoulder. Piyo looks at the stage with sparkling eyes.

The Rehearsal Show

Eventually, Katarina hears the same music as earlier, and the curtains rise. The stage is bigger and there are more people playing music. Katarina feels more entranced than earlier.

The same veiled dancer girl appears and starts dancing. Veiled child dancers also join her. Then the tiger joins in. Aaqil is quietly standing on the side and exchanges eye contact with the tiger. Katarina is amazed that Aaqil and the tiger seem to understand each other.

The music and the dance stop, and next, a bewitching woman dances with a sword in hand. Katarina feels entranced by her dance.

Then Aaqil comes out with the tiger, the falcon from earlier, and also a snake. He starts his acrobatics show. He makes the tiger jump through a ring, he makes the falcon fly around and drop flower petals. Katarina feels like she is watching a circus show. When Aaqil bows his head after his number, Katarina stands up and claps her hands loudly. Aaqil raises his brows in surprise. Katarina wonders if she might have been too loud.

Then, at last, the dancer girl comes out again and her beautiful singing voice resounds.

After the Rehearsal Show

The show was more wonderful than Katarina expected. Even after the curtain dropped, she couldn't help clapping her hand. Anne was also amazed by the show.

Aaqil walks to them. Katarina can't contain her excitement and tells him about all the emotions she felt during the show. She gushes about how amazing it was, including his number. Aaqil curtly tells her she is too noisy. Katarina insists that she was really moved.

The dancer girl arrives. She has removed her veil and Katarina can see how beautiful she is. Still, she looks familiar. Katarina stares at the girl. The girl can't believe that Katarina still hasn't recognized her and tells her she is Qumiit. Katarina is shocked: she thought she was a boy when they met earlier. Qumiit burst out laughing and tells her he is indeed a boy. He only appears like that on stage. Katarina feels relieved that she wasn't mistaken. Though, no matter how she looks at him, he really looks like a beautiful girl in this costume. She tells him his singing and dancing performances were amazing. Qumiit proudly replies is because he is a genius.

Qumiit tells her about the other people: the musicians and the sword-dancing girl. This merchant caravan seems full of amazing people.

Anne apologizes to Qumiit for the trouble Katarina caused earlier. Katarina hurriedly bows her head too. Qumiit replies that Anne is probably the one who has it the hardest and gives her a sympathetic gaze.

Then Anne clearly expresses her praises regarding the show. Katarina wishes she could have praised the show as clearly.

Aaqil, the falcon and Piyo

The falcon flies over and sits on Aaqil's shoulder. Aaqil gives it a gentle gaze and pets it. The falcon enjoys the touch. Aaqil always makes such a gentle face when he is with animals. Anne tells Aaqil that the falcon really seems attached to him. Aaqil replies that they have been together ever since it hatched from its egg. Katarina finds such a bond between a human and a bird so beautiful, but Piyo feels displeased and throws a tantrum on Katarina's shoulder, looking like it wants to go over to Aaqil. Katarina asks Piyo if he prefers Aaqil over her. Piyo confirms with a "Piyo". Piyo moves on Aaqil's hand and seems to ask him to pet him. Aaqil kindly does so. Piyo seems satisfied and gives a smug look to the falcon. The falcon acts standoffish as if telling Piyo "There's no way you can get between us". Katarina feels like she is witnessing a love triangle between a human and two birds. Aaqil gives her a puzzled look, so she explains how he and the two birds seem to be in a love triangle. Aaqil replies that there is no such thing. Qumiit bursts out laughing while Anne gives a sorry look. Katarina puffs out her cheek and insists that it really looks like that to her. Looking at her, Aaqil smiles. Katarina is surprised since he has only given her frowns or expressionless looks until now. Katarina thinks to herself that the smiles of Arabian-style pretty boys are so devastating that it doesn't affect only birds.

Katarina Feels Like She Has Seen Aaqil Before

Katarina has the strange feeling that she has seen Aaqil's face before, long ago. But at the same time, she feels like in that case, she wouldn't have forgotten the face of such a pretty boy.

Someone from the staff suddenly calls Aaqil and Qumitt to help clean up. Katarina and Anne decide to take their leave. Katarina puts Piyo in the basket despite his reluctance to leave. She tells Aaqil and Qumiit that she will definitely come tomorrow. Upon leaving, Katarina forgets the strange feeling she had about Aaqil.

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rainroses45 · 2 years

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A Lover & Fighter

☾description: Neteyam realizes something important about your relationship (Neteyam x fem. reader)

☾a/n: i wrote this at night because i need a sad word dump…anywho i tried (not edited :))

☾song inspiration: try-pink (sped up) & teen suicide - haunt me (x3)

⋆｡°✩ ⋆⁺｡˚⋆˙‧₊✩₊‧˙⋆˚｡⁺⋆ ✩°｡⋆

Her hair was laced in beaded braids. Her necklaces hung from her neck like medals. The twinkle of hope and despair infused with one another in scent of glistening power. With each moment of silence the clan knew she was conspiring a better idea. Every war call, meant there was a forest filled with blood shed. The simple glance of her marmalade eyes, could defuse any fear inside a companion’s heart, but could cause any enemy a loss of color.

No one knew of her parents, nor how she came to be conceived. She was a wild horse in the pasture filled with snow ball sheep. Not a threat at first, but never mistake the power of a liberated spirt.

Neteyam was the fool in this game of hearts. He tried to soothe her into his arms with sweet praises of temptation. He tried to connivance her that they were meant to be. How he had known her his entire life. He read her in poems, pictured her in many songs, watched the flowers blossom and thought she might like them too. He was a fool, such a fool to fall for a girl without a future.

A sudden smack stung Neteyam’s cheek. His thoughts suddenly faded away with the wind, leaving his mind blank. A hand print darken his face as bubbling rage spread through him like a wildfire.

His cocky laugh irritated Neteyam with passion. Only an idiot would hit the son of Toruk Makto on the face, an idiot indeed. Auayew stood there proud and tall as he saw the masterpiece form on his opponent’s cheek. In no way was Neteyam considered a fighter, but at this very moment a new sense of thinking sported with in him. Maybe it was time to change that?

Before Neteyam could defend another blow, she came. Her soft hands pulled Auayew away from his body and soon they did ruins. Each punch caused another flood of tears to pursue down his bruised face. Drops of liquid metal began to pour out of his mouth. She didn’t care though - she never did.

He stood there and watched in awe. Even as her face stayed still like the sand, her eyes showed waves of fury crashing upon one another. Her hair flowed in the wind as the beads rattled in a warning.

Emerald stones embodied her skin with grace. Sparkling stars twinkled across her skin in series of aggravated kisses. Harsh strokes of red scattered across her body, blemishing and staining her like a tarnished painting. She was the definition art, she wasn’t the most beautiful women in the world, but she made you feel something real. And that - that is what truly mattered when loving her.

“I suggest you get out of here before I stop pulling my punches.” Her words caused him to shiver in awe. Her stance was so powerful, so surreal and inspiring. He watched as Auayew scurried away, holding his nose in pain. It brought a smile on Neteyam’s face to see him suffer a little.

“Are you okay?” His heart felt like it was about to erupt from his chest. The pain from his cheek was long forgotten, unlike thoughts of her.

“Oh yeah, it didn’t hurt me that much,” he tried shrugging off her intimidating gaze. It was enchanting to stare into her eyes from a far, but up close it made him feel nervous and insecure. Was he good enough for her?

“Are you sure?” She asked again with a softer gaze. A smile bloomed on her face as she heard him let out a nervous laugh.

“Yeah..I- I’m not much of a fighter.” He stumbled upon his words trying to find the right phase in describing his pervious actions. “I just don’t want to cause a scene.”

“I like that.” Her words had caused him to finally look up. She was even prettier in person. Her golden leaf diadem floated around her head like a halo of life. Strands of her hair wired around the air as they tried to escape with the leaves worryingly in the breeze.

“You do?” His wide eyes, maybe he didn’t need to change. Why would he need to change when she already liked him like that.

“Yeah, not everyone needs to be a fighter. We need more lovers to converse with.” True words fled her mouth, but he thought differently.

“I think fighters are lovers. They are just more passionate about their love.” His words clearly sparked something inside her because you could clearly see it radiate on her face.

Neteyam truly believed his heart couldn’t suppress the yearning to break free any longer, that was until she fell to the ground in laughter. Like an angel falling down from her throne of faith, she laid there open and free, allowing herself to enjoy the humor of it all. Her laugh was contagious causing him to go down laughing as well.

“Oh oh that’s absolutely brilliant, but unfortunately I’m not a lover..” She looked over at him in curiosity, his name was never given to her as a keepsake. He caught on this rather quickly and awkwardly.

“Neteyam, my name is Neteyam,” her eyes lit up in realization, and soon they filled with sadness. Quickly, she turned away to look back up at the trees. A soothing shade crept over their bodies and left them to enjoy the cool moss.

“My name’s Y/n.” He already new her sweet name backwards and forwards, but for that moment he pretended he didn’t.

“That’s a lovely name.” She didn’t respond back to his complement, instead she chose to bathe her self in the natural music of Pandora.

It wasn’t until the sun ripened that the she got up from her spot. She didn’t look back at him, but stayed staring at the new painted sky.

“Tomorrow, I am joining the warriors on a mission.” Neteyam’s heart sank with those words. Truly, she was not serious.

“What?” He felt like crying in despair. How? How could it be? Just when he got to enjoy the moonlight sinatra with her, she was going to leave to battle. Of course, this was not her first time battling in a war against the sky people, but this upcoming one was different. He had eavesdropped last night on the plans for tomorrow. It was going to be a gruesome fight, and the clan knew some would not make it.

“When I come back, maybe we could go enjoy the sunset and sunrise together.” There were no tears pricking from her eyes. She chose this title, and now she must live up to it. Unlike Neteyam, she had no parents to carefully guide her through right choices. Y/n was pushed into the world with no responsibility, so when the opportunity of fighting for her clan showed up. She took it.

He didn’t have time to respond, for she gathered her weapons and left. Neteyam didn’t sleep well that night, he was too busy wondering if she was dreaming about today.

The next day when the fellow participants gathered to leave, Neteyam stayed behind the crowd and watched. He saw her standing there. Her head held high and her posture tall. Not an ounce of fear reeked from her soul, yet a dreary cloud floated over her. He wanted to ask her why so blue? Hoping maybe it would make her laugh, but they already began to depart. He prayed Eywa would talk care of her.

When news of their return spread amongst the na’vi, he dropped his bow and arrow, quickly running towards the base to greet her. Frantic voices surrounded Neteyam’s ears as he watched swarms of medics wrap our them. It wasn’t until a set of marmalade eyes hit him that he figured out what happened.

And as the blood fell from her hands in exhausting amounts, Neteyam realized something. He realized there would never be a chance to capture her heart, for her heart would turn to stone from the amount of life lost. She would be buried the same year she shall prosper, not because of her ego, but it was in her nature. People like her weren’t meant to last long. They were too great to be tarnishing the lands with prosperity. Y/n would die young, and Neteyam would grow old carrying on the memory of his first romantic love. It was written it stars, it was being written right now.

#avatar #angst tag #neteyam #neteyam x you #pandora #major character death #na'vi avatar #neteyam sully #neteyam x y/n #neteyam x reader #jake sully #sully family

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edwinspaynes · 1 year

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I'll Stare Directly at the Sun but Never in the Mirror: Literary Foils, Matthew Fairchild, and Alastair Carstairs

Hello, hello, and welcome to my academic dissection of two of my all-time favourite fictional characters. I, your fearless host, will be giving you insight into Matthew and Alastair as literary foils, the ways that their arcs mirror each other, and the ways that they're two sides of the same traumatised little coin.

So, without further ado, let's start with the basics. This post is super long, so it's going under a cut.

People in the World Like Us

It bears noting that Matthew and Alastair have several superficial similarities and differences,

One of these similarities is that they are both men who love men (MLM). Unlike Charles, who is deeply filled with fear and shame, both Matthew and Alastair seem to be comfortable with being bisexual and gay (respectively) as of 1903.

Alastair is not flashy about it. He's not formally out, but he's also hiding nothing. He's just 5'10, likes hedgehogs, has dark hair, is gay, and likes music. There's 0 shame, but there's also no advertising it.

Matthew is much flashier. He's very openly MLM, even if he is not formally out to those who are not close to him. He wears Oscar Wilde's green carnation, which is indeed simply a symbol of the aesthetic movement. However, it was also so heavily associated with MLM during the time period that it'd be a fairly clear tip-off to those with any perceptive skills whatsoever. He attends salons frequently associated with LGBT culture; he openly flirts with both men and women.

Alastair also seems to seek out long-term partnerships with Charles and then, later, with Thomas. (Huge upgrade!) Matthew, on the other hand, has casual relationships frequently.

These attitudes toward their respective sexualities also seem to parallel their personalities more generally as they are written in the text. Alastair is introverted and closed off; Matthew is extraverted and free-spirited.

I will discuss both of the above points more later.

However, for now, I find this more interesting because this is the first thing that Alastair says to Matthew in Nothing but Shadows:

"You new boys have barely been here five minutes, and all you can find to talk about is some mundane who got sent to prison for indecency?" "So you know Oscar Wilde too, Alastair?" Matthew asked. [...] "I know of many mundane criminals," Alastair Carstairs said in chilly tones. "I read the mundane newspapers to find hints of demonic activity. I certainly don't bother reading plays."

In fact, it's the first thing he says at all!

Alastair clearly is not yet comfortable with being MLM, though he does get there by Chain of Gold. Matthew, on the other hand, is visibly MLM. This immediately establishes a power dynamic between someone who is by all initial appearances a homophobic straight man and a flamboyant, visibly MLM character who needs to defend the idol who shares his sexuality.

It's at this point that Matthew gets visibly agitated and begins to defend Wilde, who was almost certainly bisexual like Matthew:

"Naturally. What use do sad, unimaginative little people have for plays?" he asked. "Or paintings, or dancing, or anything that makes life interesting. I am so glad to be at this dank little school where they will try to squeeze down my mind until it is almost as narrow as yours."

This begins a conflict that will escalate over the course of the series. The initial source of their contention stems from their different reactions to a quality that they share.

Mad, Wonderful, Colorful Things

This interaction does not just set up a conflict because Matthew is hurt at the barb about his sexuality. It also shows their relationships to art. That's what I will aim to unpack in this section.

Matthew is undeniably an Art aficionado. His constant obsessive discussions of Oscar Wilde are proof enough, but he does tend to talk about art spectatorship and appreciation for Beauty a lot as well. In Nothing but Shadows, he talks about his lack of artistic prowess, but says that he could 'spectate for England.' To this, James tells him that he could be an actor.

Matthew is, in and of himself, a work of art; he dresses himself up, values his stylish clothing, and affects a theatrical air in most social settings (to the point that he made his Grand Sober Debut in Chain of Thorns while dressed as Puck from A Midsummer Night's Dream.)

Matthew is enchanted with Downworld and with magic. He dances with the fair folk; he has seemingly had both friendships and sexual relations with multiple Downworlders. He attends poetry readings and artistic salons with these Downworlders, has put on performances at the Hell Ruelle before (with Kellington, who notes that they have recited poetry together).

Matthew openly- very openly- adores art in all of its forms. James casually notes that a sleeping Matthew looks like one of the cherubic, innocent paintings he adores in Chain of Gold. Matthew and art are inextricable.

But what of Alastair?

Alastair, too, admires art. He once played the piano, and he once sang ghazals. The difference is that while Matthew was encouraged by those around him to love the things he loved, Alastair quite literally had that beaten out of him while at school. Alastair eventually was so ashamed of his Persian heritage that he stopped singing ghazals (and dyed his hair to look like- you guessed it- Matthew's). He was treated so poorly that he completely disengaged with art in general despite deeply loving it.

(As an aside: I'm so glad that he has become more comfortable making music again. I really hope that he continues to nurture that as an adult in a safe and stable home).

In any case:

Matthew's artistic nature was nurtured; Alastair's was a casualty of abuse. This brings Alastair's comments about plays and Wilde's work to light a bit more - it is probable that there's a bit of deflection happening.

The specific targeting of plays is also interesting when you consider the following interaction:

“I know we’re supposed to avoid mundane things,” said Alastair, “but you must see this. It’s a film. A moving picture! This one is the latest. It’s called Le Voyage dans la Lune.”

Two years after graduating from the Academy, while on his travel year and away from Elias, Alastair was finally allowing himself to engage with art again. Intrinsically, it is clear that he still loved performances; he just closed himself off from this love to protect himself against abuse.

Tricks and Papas and the Circumstances of Your Birth

It's not a secret that Alastair was a bully in school, though it is critical to emphasize that he tried everything in his power not to be. This is true to the point of allowing himself to be physically abused by the other students for an entire year:

“When I got to school,” said Alastair slowly [to Thomas], the effort clearly costing him, “loose talk about my father had preceded me. Everyone knew he was a failure, and some of the older students decided I was an easy target. They… let’s just say that by the end of the first week, I had been made to understand my place in the hierarchy, and I had the bruises to remind me should I ever forget. [...] After about a year of being knocked around [...] I realized I could either become one of the bullies, or suffer for the rest of my school days."

When he told Cordelia about this in Chain of Gold, she inquired about why Alastair did not simply come home.

Coming home was, unfortunately, not an option for Alastair, as he faced abuse there as well. I could pick several Chain of Iron quotes, but I'll simply go with Chain of Gold's:

“Because I wanted you to have a childhood, a thing I never had. I wanted you to be able to love and respect your father as I never could. Every time he made a mess, who do you think had to clean it up? Who told you Father was ill or sleeping when he was drunk? Who went out and fetched him when he passed out in a gin palace and smuggled him in through the back door? Who learned at ten years old to refill the brandy bottles with water each morning so no one would notice the levels had sunk—?”

So, Alastair did everything he could so he would not need to go home to an abusive environment.

Matthew is, as usual, Alastair's equal and opposite reaction.

"Maybe it's the fact you have everything I want," Matthew snarled [to James]. "And you don't even seem to want it. [...] They will send you home any time you like," Matthew said. "They're trying to drive you away. And no matter what I do, they won't chuck me out. Not the Consul's son. [...] I want to go home, all right?" Matthew snapped. "I want to be with my father!"

The very reason that Alastair cannot go home is the reason that Matthew feels that he absolutely must.

Matthew later muses in Cast Long Shadows:

His papa was the best papa in the world, so Matthew had no opportunity to be cruelly oppressed or sadly neglected.

Matthew's love for his family and perception of them as a kind, nurturing presence makes it impossible for him to understand Alastair. This is true to the point that he empathizes with Elias in his obvious neglect of Alastair at the Academy, stating that if he had "an insufferable toad of a son, and were he blessedly to be sent away to school, [he was] not sure [he] could bring [him]self to blast [his] sight with his visage until the accursed holidays carried him back to [him] again.”

Like with Alastair's bullying being a survival response, it is important to note that Matthew does not have all the information here. And yet, it perpetuates the pattern: Matthew cannot conceptualize the idea of an abusive home.

The irony? Matthew himself is a parentified child, just as Alastair is (though, obviously, without the other layers of purposeful abuse). He just doesn't realize it. Look:

[Parentification] occurs when parents look to their children for emotional and/or practical support, rather than providing it. Hence, the child becomes the caregiver. As a result, parentified children are forced to assume adult responsibilities and behaviors before they are ready to do so. In addition, they do not receive acknowledgment or support for taking on these responsibilities. (Quote from Newport Academy)

And Matthew:

"I have put out fires on my own father's head. My mother is always busy, and Charles Buford is always running after her and acting superior. I'm the one who takes care of my father. I'm the one who listens to him. I didn't want to go away to school and leave him, and I've been doing all I can to get chucked out and go back."

Matthew behaved terribly, refused to do training exercises, and ultimately blew up a part of the school at least in part because he wanted to go back to this situation. Unfortunately, as he has been doing this all his life, it seems normal to him. He doesn't think of it at all beyond loving his father and needing to take care of him.

So Alastair has a terrible relationship with an abusive father. Matthew has an outwardly-great relationship with an absentminded but loving father that he himself does not realize he has a backwards relationship with. Combine that with his mother and brother always being negligent, and we don't have a recipe for a great home situation.

No one notices that there is a problem in either Matthew's or Alastair's case.

Anyway, this brings us to The Incident. Matthew, to Alastair:

“Has no kind soul thought to inform you that your hairstyle is, to use the gentlest words available to me, ill-advised? A friend? Your papa? Does nobody care enough to prevent you from making a spectacle of yourself?"

Matthew didn't intend to hit Alastair where it hurt, but he did nonetheless. Alastair is aware that his father does not love him, or at best has a destructive and abusive 'love' for him. He is aware of and understands his own abuse and parentification. He also understands that no one treats him with care, and Matthew hit the pain button hard.

It's in this moment that Alastair decides to strike Matthew back just as hard. He tells him that he is Gideon Lightwood's bastard, that Henry is not, in fact, his father. Matthew's relationship with Henry, whom he loves as a central tenant of his life, is seemingly called into question.

It is no surprise that he cannot forget. It is no surprise that he, an emotionally volatile boy who literally exploded a wing of the school because of the rage that he had at that comment, may take drastic action to ensure that Henry Fairchild was, in fact, his father.

You can read more on this here, but Alastair became a sort of scapegoat for Matthew after he unwittingly caused his mother's miscarriage. The reason for this is that he, Matthew, simply could not cope with such a heavy burden on his own.

And that's also when the drinking started.

A Noted Handler of Drunks

Alastair is the child of an alcoholic. We see the trauma this has caused him in the earlier quote about wanting Cordelia to have a childhood, but we also see the impact of this in his direct interactions with Elias in Chain of Iron. A couple of examples:

Elias looked at his son. He did not hold out his arms, as he had to Cordelia, but his voice was thick with emotion when he spoke. “Come and greet me, Esfandiyar,” he said. It was Alastair’s middle name. [...] Alastair didn't move.

[Alastair's] father’s face was beet red, and he seemed to have worked himself up into something of a lather. [...] He slammed his hand against the floor.

“Does he—” There was a sharp sound, as of something being knocked off a table, and then the familiar noises of Elias retching. Cordelia could hear Alastair telling James to go, that he would manage it.

But Alastair looked more than long-suffering. His gaze was focused on their father with a barely contained loathing.

This is, of course, far from all of them. We also get an entire Alastair PoV scene where he is grieving in a hard, cold way not only for Elias, but also for his own childhood:

Alastair stood in the parlor, staring blankly out the window at the house next door. He had been watching two little boys playing on the floor of their living room while their mother worked at her embroidery and their father read the newspaper. He could not help but hear his mother’s words as she’d wept, The child will never know his father. Lucky child, he’d said to Cordelia, but under the flippancy, there was a hard, cold sorrow, a sorrow that felt like a blade of ice cutting through him. It was hard to breathe around the loss.

And, as Cassie said at her 2020 St. Louis Chain of Gold panel, Alastair- the child of an alcoholic- has the same level of PTSD as a war veteran.

It is Elias who forced him to grow up at age 10. It is Elias who made him feel worthless. It is Elias who initially abused him, just as it was Elias who sent him off to Shadowhunter Academy to face more abuse. This school abuse was in large part because of Elias's own behavior as well as because of Alastair's brownness (that white Elias failed to consider despite his entire family being made up of PoC). And, as we established, it is Elias's fault that Alastair cannot go home.

Now, Matthew unfairly blames Alastair for something that is squarely the fault of the adult faerie that used him as a tool to try to assassinate the Consul. It is in this moment that Matthew begins his descent into alcoholism:

“That first night,” Matthew said, “after it happened, I took a bottle of whiskey from my parents’ cupboard and drank it. I was vilely sick afterward, but for the first few moments, when it dulled the sharpness of my thoughts and senses, the pain faded. Went away. I felt a lightness of heart, and it is that I have been seeking again and again. That surcease.”

This alcoholism is, in turn, triggering to Alastair, which we can see here (and in many other, smaller places throughout the series):

Alastair’s expression went flat. “You think I would be relieved to hear she’s with Matthew? You think I don’t know a drunk when I see one? Believe me, I do. If he puts Cordelia in harm’s way—”

This begins an endless cycle of conflict. Matthew is angry at Alastair and blames him for the thing that caused him to drink. Alastair is triggered by Matthew's drinking and behaves abrasively. Matthew gets drunker and more upset. Alastair gets more triggered. It is endless, and it's no wonder that they didn't get along.

But Matthew is not like Elias. Cordelia notes that he is not "bitter" as her father is; James notes that, unlike Matthew, Elias cannot handle his alcohol well. Matthew shows none of the aggressive, angry tendencies that Elias does.

And unlike Elias, Matthew eventually begins to do the work necessary to quit drinking. On his own, he:

Realizes that he cannot quit simply because he wants to

Decides and vocalizes that he has a problem that he should work on

Attempts to quit cold-turkey (and fails)

Agrees to drink Christopher's sedative, committing to doing better even though he knows it will be a painful and arduous journey that could literally kill him

All of these are wonderful things to be proud of Matthew for. However, he and his friends have no experience with alcohol withdrawal. Matthew's active propensity for self-harm also leads him to keep bottles to tempt himself, because he believes that he deserves the difficult journey. Because "the suffering is part of the punishment."

Alastair is the only person that could help him here. He has no obligation to, but he does, anyway.

“It isn’t really about seeming drunk, though, is it?” said Alastair, unbuttoning his coat. “My father had to drink, in the end, simply to seem normal.” “I am not your father,” said Matthew frostily. “You are much younger. You have been drinking a much shorter time. Your chances are much better.”

And, before pouring all of Matthew's booze out the window:

"Having all this here is like asking an addict to live in an opium den,” [Alastair] said. “You are never going to be able to drink casually. Alcohol will always mean something to you that it does not mean to other people. Getting rid of this stuff will make it easier. Why not have it be easier?”

This is the beginning of Matthew and Alastair burying the hatchet.

In a way, this makes sense. They are, at the same time, confronting the things that they hate most in the other. Alastair is tackling Matthew's alcoholism head-on despite his own trauma and triggers. Matthew is forced to view Alastair as a person as complex as he himself is, and one that is going out of his way to help him.

In this moment, Matthew is no longer just a drunk to Alastair, and Alastair is no longer a monster to Matthew. It is at this point that they can view each other just as men.

You've Lost Your Hat. I've Lost My Sister!

It's important that we take a look at both Matthew's and Alastair's relationship with the other one's sibling. Alastair secretly dates Charles Fairchild for years; Matthew harbors a desperate passion for Cordelia Carstairs and impulsively runs away with her. Both of these situations end in broken hearts.

Let's first talk about Charles and Alastair.

First, Alastair's birthday would be in the autumn of 1884; Charles' would be early 1879. This means that Charles is nearly 6 years older than Alastair.

I want to preface this by saying that we have received conflicting information regarding this relationship from Clare and from the Shadowhunter canon. She has said that Alastair did not acquaint himself with Charles until 1902, when he was around 17 and Charles was 23. However, she also once said that Alastair picked up the habit of reading mundane papers from Charles, which he was doing in Nothing But Shadows. At this point, Alastair would have been 15 and Charles would have been 21. Charles also says "after these years" in Chain of Gold, so they were obviously together for over a year.

This means there are three possibilities:

Charles and Alastair got together when they were 22/23 and 17 (best case scenario, still gross)

Charles and Alastair got together when they were at most 21 and 15 respectively, which is when Alastair got the habit of reading the papers

Charles and Alastair knew each other when Alastair was 15, likely younger, but did not have sex until they were 22/23 and 17 respectively

None of these situations are ideal.

Charles also is extremely wealthy; he is the son of the current Consul; he is in a powerful political position as the next Consul; his family is not intentionally abusive and would not reject him; he is white; he is well-loved.

Alastair has none of these privileges. He is the son of a disgraced drunk; his family is in a lot of debt (though they do own Cirenworth); he is brown and treated poorly for it; he is very young; he is vulnerable because he comes from an abusive household; his life has very little love and joy in it. He is also gay and probably did not meet any other MLM until Charles showed up.

The relationship itself also appears unhealthy. Charles becomes extremely angry in Chain of Gold when Alastair privately says he loves him, yelling at him never to say that. Alastair immediately asks him why he has come to him if not for sex, making it pretty clear that Charles primarily (if not exclusively) values Alastair for sex. Charles left Alastair alone in Paris to gallivant around by himself and later with Thomas. Charles did not communicate with Alastair about his engagements and placed the blame on him for not taking a bride and not understanding the world.

It does a number on him. We see this in the fact that he becomes physically ill when he looks at Charles in Chain of Iron. We also see this in his future insecurities with Thomas.

In Chain of Thorns, Thomas literally confesses his love to Alastair in multiple languages, has sex with him, sleeps next to him all night, and opts to hang out with him the next day during the battle. Not 12 hours later, Alastair asks Thomas if he actually likes him, saying (to Thomas's reassurance that he cared) that

"'[That] was the sort of thing Charles always said. ‘I care for you, I have feelings for you.’ Never just ‘I love you—’ "

But luckily, Thomas loves all of Alastair, not just the 'palatable' parts. Thomas loves Alastair as he deserves to be loved.

Charles and Alastair had a very lopsided, abusive, and disgustingly underage grooming-type relationship. It was harmful to Alastair and obviously did a long-term number on him, but he bore it because he was lonely and accepting the love that he thought he deserved.

Now let's talk about Cordelia and Matthew.

Cordelia Carstairs is not a harmful person. She is no Charles Fairchild. However, Matthew seems to use her- and his passion for her- to harm himself. Note that none of this is Cordelia's fault, nor is it on her to be Matthew's salvation. But Matthew sees in her an escape, a sort of saving grace.

She is an outsider; this makes her someone that he can tell his secret to. She does not reject him, which further cements her into the "good" category of people that Matthew feels safe with.

Matthew hates himself and self-harms by self-medicating. His passion for Cordelia is similar to that; she is the single most unattainable person ever for him. She is his parabatai's wife, one that he knows is already in love with James. But he touches the fire because it burns him, because it makes him feel something.

It's also curious that Matthew leaves Cordelia at the end of the book, and that the book itself notes that they did not become closer after the final battle concluded:

[T]hat closeness she had felt with him in Paris was gone, the sense of how well they understood one another. Paradoxically, Matthew had only grown closer to James, and to Thomas, and even Alastair.

Matthew is essentially quitting Cordelia in the same way that he quit drinking. He needs time and distance; he needs to stop getting near that fire so he can heal.

It's also very interesting to note what "Paris" is to Alastair vs Matthew.

In Chain of Iron, Matthew says:

“I was going to Paris because it seemed to me James finally understood what he had, being married to you—and I was glad, only I also knew I could not bear to see it. I thought in Paris I might forget. In Paris, one forgets everything.”

Matthew also treats Paris as a sort of salvation, a magical place where he no longer will be constrained by the self-blame and self-hate that plague him:

“Matthew,” she said. “In Paris, will you be able to forgive yourself?” He smiled at that—a real smile; his face lit up, and Cordelia could not help but think that it was a face that would open any door in Paris to them. “In Paris,” he said, “I shall be able to forgive all the world.”

And, simply:

"In Paris we can be whomever we wish.”

Matthew views Paris as some sort of magical place, removed from the problems of everyday life. It is a place to forgive and forget. It is the best place on earth. It can bring out all the good in you. It's a wish of a place.

It's disconnected and dreamlike.

This is exactly what Alastair found in Paris without even looking for it.

The whole trip had seemed disconnected and dreamlike. Alastair had come from nowhere and now returned to nowhere, and Thomas had no idea when they would next see each other, or how they would act when they did.

Indeed,

Alastair had not asked Thomas about his friends or his family. Thomas hadn’t asked Alastair, either. For these days it had been as though nobody else existed in the entire world.

Thomas and Alastair find this escape in Paris. It was completely removed from their everyday life, and they were both allowed to only be themselves. It was Thomas and Alastair, and they were together, and they never spoke of it again until Chain of Iron, when they only spoke of it when they were alone together.

It's ironic on a storytelling level that this is the one thing Matthew wanted that Alastair got. Even when Alastair views Matthew as the embodiment of everything that he wishes he were, he was the one who got a magical wish of a time in Paris. And Matthew never knew.

Love People Have Denied Themselves

At this point we've established the ways that Alastair and Matthew are trauma-mirrors. We also have established the ways that they each use the other's sibling as an unhealthy balm for those traumas.

Now, I would like to take a look at the ways that they respond to that trauma more generally.

Both characters are scared because they feel that their own trauma responses will be a burden on those around them.

As a result, Alastair has become a fortress. He lets no one in besides his sister (who he aims to protect), his mother (who seems to view him as a sort of co-conspirator), Charles (who abuses him), and eventually Thomas (praise be!) We'll talk about Thomas a lot in the coming sections.

But first:

Matthew, on the other hand, puts on something that I like to call his Sunshine Armor. I deeply relate to this quality in Matthew, actually. He acts happy, lighthearted, and carefree to hide the fact that he is, in fact, in pain. He does this even before he begins drinking. In Cast Long Shadows he literally puts on a Smile, puts on his flashy clothing, calls himself a "waste of space in a waistcoat," and goes out to charm and amuse while pondering his personal failings and how he is likely a bad parabatai.

It's also so ingrained in the character that it's part of his physical appearance:

[Matthew's eyes] were such a dark green that they fooled people, except when light struck the dark a certain way and the depths flashed emerald. Like the rest of him, his eyes were a trick.

And now, he believes that "drink makes [him] amusing" in Chain of Gold. He believes that it makes him charming and likeable, which we see in Chain of Thorns when he tells James that he doesn't know who he will be after he sobers up.

"I know what I’d be doing at an ordinary party,” he said. “Floating about, being entertaining. [...] Being witty and charming. Or at least, I thought I was witty and charming. Without the alcohol, I…” His voice sank. “It’s like I’m watching clockwork dolls in a child’s dollhouse, acting out their parts. Nothing seems real. Or perhaps I am the one who is not real.”

Matthew believes himself to be, in some way, flawed. He believes himself to be unlovable.

This is one way in which he and Alastair are eerily similar. In fact, it is the initial thing that Matthew finds to relate to Alastair in:

Matthew’s eyes opened. “Is he—are you two—?” “He won’t agree to be with me,” said Thomas quietly. “But not out of unkindness. He thinks he would be bad for me. I think… in some way… he believes he does not deserve to be happy. Or perhaps it is that he is unhappy, and he believes it is a sort of contagion that might spread.” “I understand that,” Matthew said, a little wonderingly. “How much love people have denied themselves through the ages because they believed they did not deserve it. As if the waste of love is not the greater tragedy.”

Alastair's main internal conflict throughout TLH is that he believes himself to be unlovable because of his past mistakes. This is no surprise; in fact, it is the only thing that makes sense. His father was a monster to him for at least a decade. The other students at school beat him until he became something he did not want to be. The main group of characters in TLH- including those like Anna who do not know him- continuously villainize him despite his many attempts to apologize.

So, it's no surprise that he believes himself to be "dangerous and bad" for Thomas at the end of Chain of Iron.

Unlike Matthew, who does not like to be alone and finds a way to charm and amuse and remain extraverted and connected, Alastair self-isolates. He does not wish to subject those around him to his company, as we initially see in Chain of Iron when he does not want to go to social events and avoids places that he knows others in the Enclave will be gathering.

This issue persists throughout Chain of Thorns and is a core part of his plotline:

"The person most standing between Alastair and happiness is Alastair himself. He is brave, and loyal, and his heart—” [Thomas] found himself blushing. “I suppose I wish Alastair would treat himself as he deserves to be treated.”

Alastair also admits this later:

"You [Thomas] said that you wish I would treat myself as I deserve to be treated. The thing is, that’s exactly what I was doing. I was denying myself the thing I wanted more than anything else in the world because I didn’t believe I deserved it.”

Everything Exactly the Way That It Is

So, we come to the core question of both Matthew's and Alastair's existence, the one that they both clearly play over and over in their heads every night. Matthew finally vocalizes it, rather heartbreakingly, in Chain of Thorns:

"Am I so hard to love?"

The narrative clearly (correctly) believes that both of these characters are worth loving, but their conclusions look very different.

Matthew is positioned as a character who hates himself despite being surrounded by others who love him. He keeps his Great Sin a secret to retain that love. Note that this is a way that Matthew, like Alastair, is closed off. He keeps this one occurrence to himself. Alastair, then, is positioned as a character who does not have loved ones surrounding him despite his constant attempts to do better.

In creating this curious effect, Clare makes Matthew a character who does not need a romantic conclusion. His arc does not necessitate this interpersonal connection or intimacy, because he is already loved. Instead, Matthew's arc needs to be resolved with self-love, self-care, and compassion for himself.

In fact, a romantic conclusion would have proven unsatisfying for Matthew. It's critical that he spends some time alone, especially since this was set up when he initially attempted to go to Paris alone before Cordelia came along. His departure from London, and from those in it, has been shown as a necessity ever since Chain of Iron.

This is especially true at the end as Matthew undoubtedly still has feelings for Cordelia:

“Daisy.” He turned to her in surprise. “I care about you still. I always will, in some part of my heart, and James knows that; but I am happy you are together."

Distance is necessary, and because Matthew no longer is a servant to the bottle of his Great Sin, he is free to be a wandering spirit. He is free to do "mad, wonderful, colorful things," get to know himself sober, and chase joy in that way. Romance would be yet another thing to tether him in one place at this point in time; he needs freedom for a while, to get to know Matthew Fairchild.

On the other hand...

Clare also positions Alastair as a character who must experience love and intimacy in order to have a satisfying conclusion to his arc. Matthew must improve in his own eyes; Alastair must see himself in another's to understand that he is already capable of love and forgiveness and opening up.

Thomas provides him with this. He obviously likes Alastair's biting wit; his pain does not scare him off. "I need to breathe" does not scare him off or make him think less of Alastair. Because Thomas has always seen the good in Alastair, even when he was not showing it; Thomas "like[d] his nonsense" at school and now:

It was as if [Alastair] had been locked in a room, and Thomas had opened the door: Alastair now seemed to feel free to express the love and affection for his friends and family he had always tamped down and hidden away.

Essentially, Matthew and Alastair are mirrors whose pain, trauma, and healing journeys reflect each other. However, their healing- the ways that they will find grace and delight and joy- are astronomically different.

But it's breathtakingly beautiful.

The wild boy who has always been tied to one place, by secrets and by love and by bitterness and by addiction, is finally completely free. Free to wander and roam and laugh loudly and lose himself to adventure. Free to fall in love with himself, the "beginning of a lifelong romance" per Oscar Wilde.

And the worldly wanderer, an eternal traveler who has never had a real home where felt safe and loved, finally got that. Finally got to build a home with someone gentle who loves him "more than anything." Finally gets stability and security and hard-won happiness.

I am so incredibly happy for them both.

taglist (lmk if you want to be added/removed): @staywildefairchild @s0urlemons262 @belle-keys @coriia @drunkonimagination @alastaircarstairsismybff @vwritesaus @claritywithclary

#tsc deep dives #matthew fairchild #alastair carstairs #chain of gold #chog #chain of iron #choi #chain of thorns #chot #cordelia carstairs #charles fairchild #thomas lightwood #thomastair #elias carstairs

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