#life after heart surgery

[into-wonderland-caroline]

03/12/24

Captain is taking a morning nap in what looks like some kind of very uncomfortable contortion pose...

[thru-the-looking-glass-caroline]

You don't believe it can happen to you - I didn't either...

...Health problems I have to live with caused by the 8 years I struggled with anorexia and orthorexia[and never believed I was "sick enough" for it to happen to me].

I want to preface this post by saying 2 things; First, this post will talk some about eating disorders, although nothing detailed and I will not ever post numbers or anything more obviously upsetting, I do still want to give that warning so if this topic might upset or cause problems for you, do what is good for you and don't continue reading this. Second, I am not a medical or mental health professional. I have no degrees of any kind so this post, like all my others, is purely my experiences, opinions and what I have learned from my doctors over the years. You've been warned now on to the real content/topic...

The past few weeks there has been these nagging thoughts and feelings of some regrets and anger and sadness about how much of my physical health alone eating disorders took from me. I can't go back to change anything but it is something that makes me angry how deceived and distorted someone who is in the depths of an eating disorder can be. For a little back story I struggled with Orthorexia and anorexia for 8 years. The behaviors & obsessions began when I was only 7 years old and I was diagnosed with Orthorexia at age 8 and given a second diagnosis of anorexia at age 10. I stayed in these disorders until I was 15 & only then did I actively pursue and work for recovery. I'm happy to say I have maintained that recovery and a healthy weight since, however, a lot of damage was already done to my body by the time I was 15 and unfortunately much of it was not reversed so I live with many physical health problems caused by anorexia and Orthorexia.

Like many who struggle with eating disorders I was, at different points, told about and warned of the damage it could do to my body, the possible long term consequences of continuing in my disorders. Also like many who struggle with eating disorders I shrugged off these warnings and facts. In my mind none of it would happen to me because I never saw myself as a "sick enough " orthorexic and anorexic to warrant such complications. Now, were there and are there people struggling with eating disorders whose cases would be called more severe and critical than me - yes of course and that is kind of the point- this idea people who struggle with eating disorders have that they have to be the sickest, skinniest, closest to death's door anorexic or orthorexic or whatever to have long term health problems from it or to deserve help or die from their disease is a complete garbage dumpster fire of lies and bullshit! It's not a competition and comparison will destroy! With an eating disorder it will never be enough until it kills you...you will not win anything ‐ or be smiled on, applauded, or envied for dying so thin. No one who knew you will remember you after your death and speak fondly, joyfully or boast about how sick and thin you were. It will not be a positive, admirable, inspiring, happy legacy you will leave if you die sick because of an eating disorder. Your loved ones will suffer, they will be angry about your sickness, angry that you couldn't believe you were sick enough/warranted help. They will be sad and grief stricken and wonder what they could have done differently. They will blame themselves. It's harsh, morbid and very depressing but it is the truth of the legacy you will leave if your eating disorder kills you because you weren't thin enough, sick enough, and you didn't believe any of it could happen to you. You won't die happy and fulfilled because you are thin and sick, you will die depressed, scared, anxious, tortured, and weak just as you were in the eating disorder that deceived you pushing you to hold on to and continue your behaviors, always promising you will be happy when but continually moving that goal- keeping it out of reach because it's never enough with an eating disorder. It's a lie!

Talking to my doctors, I have learned that a good portion of my heart problems were caused by/at least partially caused by years of starvation, malnutrition and stress from my eating disorders. These heart issues include: my heart murmur, mitral valve prolapse and mitral valve regurgitation(which I had to have heart surgery for last year), bradycardia, and thin heart walls! This accounts for every heart health problem I have besides one...it makes me cringe with regret, anger and sadness just to know that.

Anorexia and Orthorexia also caused the irreversible damage and basically shut down of my reproductive system meaning I am sterile/infertile...can not have children. Because I began struggling with eating disorders so young, becoming sick and emaciated/malnourished so quickly and basically remaining in that state or in a declining state for 8 years I have not ever had a period or menstrual cycle and I will not ever due to the damage to my reproductive system. This also caused problems with my bone density and I have osteopenia (basically the beginning stage of osteoporosis) and eventually that will progress into full osteoporosis. I also have permanent damage to my liver caused by my eating disorders.

I hate that I caused so much of my own health struggles and problems and as a result cause my family worry for my health, my well being, and my future. Not to mention the experiences, relationships, strength, health, life, personality, adventure, discovery, zeal, joy, love, rest, dreams the eating disorders took from me and I can't go back and have them.

I am a dancer. Dance is my biggest passion in life and some day I won't be able to dance anymore because the permanent damage and health problems from my eating disorders will end it. My bones will be too brittle and weak to leap and turn and hold a pose, have correct technique. My heart could get weaker- more stressed in time and I will have dance taken from me. I won't be able to follow that dream, to perform. The consequences of eating disorders reach my entire life and that is and/or can be the reality for anyone with an eating disorder who doesn't believe it will happen to them - who doesn't see themselves as sick enough. I did not see it or believe it either and yet this is my reality.

[softplushiee]

introducing my baxter oc :33 (again)

[merverelli]

👼🗡️ toddiel, the golden sword of the inconquerable dawn. 👼🗡️

[ialwaysknewyouwerepunk]

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[comixandco]

i’m just

there must be so many gaps in jieum’s memory

she was the girl of many trades but can she remember how she learnt any of those skills? No they were all from her past lives so they’re gone. Can she remember leaving her neglectful family to live with ae-gyeong? No because she was from a past life, so where does ji-eum think she grew up? She remembers being good at school and her awards but not if anybody was there in the audience for her. She says in her phone call to her superior that she remembers switching departments before, but she doesn’t remember working in the hotel. She cooks meals the exact way as ae-gyeong taught her and she taught ae-gyeong, but she doesn’t remember having learnt them. if she can’t remember anything to do with her past lives, she wouldn’t be able to remember anything that had happened in the past few months the drama is set over.

that must be such an odd and confusing existence, to only remember small dots and flashes of your life, and a giant gap in recent memory, and she doesn’t even seem to be affected by it either? Did she go to the hospital after coming to consciousness standing on a bridge with no idea how she got there? Did they run tests on her brain to see if something had gone wrong? Does she think she suffered a mental breakdown?

What is going on in ji-eum’s brain in those final scenes i want to dissect her thoughts like a grape

[hobisexually]

long winded rant in the tags coming that’s partly about weight but in a very unfiltered sad way so if that triggers you do Not read on

[mapleshmaple]

[elenadoeslife]

your first love hits different

[lilgynt]

i get choked up looking at any photo not dated currently from palestine cause like. these kids in a documentary are any of them alive? this man smiling at his baby? this building? or god think about the amount of families entirely wiped out from grandparents to babies last i checked was like. 881 and that was a while ago. let alone the actual footage of gaza rn

[into-wonderland-caroline]

10/23/24

My father informed me today that when I was very young I became convinced that my dad's father was the goblin king

Which according to me meant that obviously batman was dad's brother

and logically that then meant my dad and the children he grew up with in the group home/orphanage were all X-Men

I apparently would tell anyone who would listen this whole story and demand they agree with me😅 I have no recollection of this but it is a very creative story🤷

[thru-the-looking-glass-caroline]

Reach out

Early this morning I received a message informing me that one of my friends and fellow dancers from the dance studio made an attempt to end her own life last night. Shock, disbelief, confusion and worry are swirling for me right now. I have so many questions like what the hell happened, what was going on for Erika that led her to this?

Thankfully Erika is still alive & currently in the hospital receiving medical attention and treatment. I know the holidays are extremely difficult for so many people & I don't know if that contributed to Erika's decision to attempt suicide but if you are reading this and struggling or lonely or stressed or feeling suicidal this holiday season please talk to someone. You can message me on either of my blogs (this one or my main one).

One thing I have gathered about Erika is whatever problems she was having she hid it & kept it all to herself- to deal with alone. Her family has told me that they never knew anything was wrong and that is the same for myself, & our other friends. I wish she would have talked to someone, talked to me. I know many people hesitate to reach out especially surrounding mental health problems but dealing alone comes at a major price and it's not helpful. Again, my inbox is open if you decide you don't want to first talk to someone directly in your life. I don't have any degrees or many answers but I can be here. This post is giving a PSA vibe but I wanted to put this out there. It's important.

[andromedasummer]

finished my crochet cup holder and sewed up lunas ears, head and sewed them together and have started on crocheting a cactus which is pretty damn good considering i spent nearly all of saturday sleeping to recover from work and the family emergency happening rn

[reorientingtothexdaylight]

Could my heart beat more quietly just I need to sleep I need the sleep

[mantisgodsdomain]

Considering their IRL counterparts, we think there's a very good chance that since Heart was Rad God's previous host, while she got transmitted to Mad Rat via bits of her in the heart tissue. There's not a whole lot else going on in that operation besides the heart transplant, after all, and we doubt that the doctor had any extra contamination around to potentially transmit her. We know that she says she lives in rats, specifically, but there's One Specific Protozoan she's based off of, and cats are the definitive host o f Toxoplasmosis Gondii.

Given the givens, it's entirely possible she simply doesn't present the same symptoms cross-species, and a symbiotic host that offers more benefits to her just... won't experience the same trip, especially since trying to feed your cat host to a cat doesn't really offer any benefit to either of you. With Heart, he's probably either asymptomatic or just only experiencing symptoms that don't particularly affect his day-to-day life, possibly in a way where he wouldn't have even known he was playing host to a parasite if it wasn't for the situation with Mad Rat.

Would it be weird for him to be... aware of that, postgame? To know that he's carrying a parasite with the potential to majorly fuck up any rats that might contract it? Is there a proper way to react to the knowledge that you're carrying a hallucinogenic parasite in you that'll cause major issues for any rat you might infect? Would he even, like... figure out the whole "asymptomic/mostly asymptomic carrier" thing before later? These are the questions we really need to ask.

[alongtidesoflight]

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