#library therapy

[ink-smears-and-signs-of-love]

Cynric as Azelf

[vanalex]

[biggest-gaudiest-patronuses]

*tries to organize my thoughts*

*remembers i'm not in school and therefore beholden to neither heaven nor hell nor any man's grading system*

*joyously shredding & tossing all my carefully arranged 3x5 mental notecards into the air like so much beige confetti. raising my arms in victory, cheering raucously until i accidentally inhale bits of homemade confetti*

(*coughing up itty bits of paper like a cat evicting a hairball with a firm understanding of tenants' rights*) wait wat happens next

[lostillusionstuffs]

So this is what I Feel? okay

Lack of emotional response in situations where most people would feel something, is often referred to as emotional numbness or emotional detachment. This state can occur for various reasons, including stress, trauma, mental health conditions, or even as a defense mechanism to cope with overwhelming emotions.

[cent-scratchnsniff]

messy doodles plus with some picked ramblings with them as i process, learn, and progress. yes only some out of many. i talk far too much. i missed so much too im just too tired to talk abt those aspects rifht now

[aponii1]

Reading is my therapy.

[lila-oh]

"- Good job 'Fei, 'Ro's in another space. I totally lost my boyfriend. - What about you? Not reading the book I gave you? - Me? Naaah, I'm a streetrat remember? Gotta maintain the reputation."

I made this for the @gundamzine. I just want them to be fine now.

[cauls-antique-pepperbox-pistol]

Imagine your mental health getting so bad, you turn yourself into a god-like monster instead of going to therapy. And it didn’t fix anything (obviously)

[trexalicious]

A child after my own heart and her point's valid-- luck favours the prepared...❤

[sillimancer]

I think if you are a library and don't have an ebook that should be illegal. when you open a library they should just give you infinity copies of every possible ebook for free.

[ekmosley]

Laika... "A different ending. . . • * • *

[ink-smears-and-signs-of-love]

Ask 25

What is something your character is proud to own?

From this ask game!

Mark: "I still have all my original consoles from when I was growing up! Most of them still work!"

Flint: "I have a couple of trophies from various battling tournaments, but I also have a contest ribbon I won with my sibling!"

Him: "I've gotten my paws on a one of a kind art piece from an artist I helped, its a mini sculpture of me."

Jayvyn: "I'm proud of the stuff my mother makes, I'd be heartbroken to lose any of what she made for me specifically."

Apollo: "I'm working on getting a diploma for cosmetology, I'd be so proud of doing what I love for a living."

Cynric: "My paperwork that proves I work here. Its amazing that I work at the most prestige library in the world. There's so much knowledge here and I get paid to take care of it!"

Angel: "Not only do I not own much, but everything I currently own is stolen, primarily from children. I'm not proud of anything in my possession."

[vanalex]

[thatdeshigirl]

when the fanfiction is so good you start to forget which storyline is from the book and which is from the fanfic 💥💳💥💳

[theostrophywife]

quotes from the song of achilles that inflicted me with unspeakable emotional damage:

[sae-something]

my extra strong PRN is working and I had 2 glasses of wine so I started rambling and spiralling.

(i'm not fine but i'm safe and just gonna go sleep now. sorry about this.)

I feel so broken. It's just fighting SH urges all day. Last week on monday, we hit something really deep in therapy. I don't really grasp the full weight of it yet, but it felt really, really big. I was overwhelmed, I told A what a young (traumatized) part was saying inside, and A helped me by holding her (imagination). She made a little bowl out of her hands and told me she held this little girl in her safe and still and calm and warm hands, and that we could wrap her in my scarf, and that all 'little girls like that' need is to be held.

And then on thursday we had the evaluation (with HT) and it felt impossibly and unbearably painful to not have any space for all that pain, for all the little girls. I emailed A on wednesday to let her know that I felt the intense turmoil inside about 'seeing her (and HT) without having space for all the pain'.

A didn't read the email until friday. So on thursday I was sitting there with HT and A and it felt like pure and absolute abandonment. To have to sit there with the two people knowing me (and all my parts) closest, and to not have any space for how I felt like a walking wound, like a vulnerable bleeding open wound. Some angry/defensive parts got really, really triggered afterwards.

Eventually A replied to the email on friday and it was a good reply. It made me cry. And I have been counting down the actual hours until therapy again. And then this morning she emailed to cancel.

And also last night I had a dream. My sister finally came to me and in my dream I felt a wave of sadness and relief - until I noticed that my sister could not even look at me. She was just emptily staring at a spot next to me as she told me: dad is dying, you have to come to say goodbye. I went there, and my mother and sister just ignored me. It was like being invisible. They were making me wait until I could see my dad. By the time they finally came to get me, he had already died.

I woke up and went to pee. Didn't have many feelings (some confusion about whether it was real; a few tears - then back to sleep), but it's been haunting me all day. Both my parents had so many health scares over the last year. What if something happens? Will someone notify me? How will I feel? What will I do?

And then I couldn't see A today. When all I needed was her. I've been calming myself down by imagining seeing her again. And now she's gone. And this week, precisely this week, I am going to visit friends in Belgium thursday til saturday. And only two weeks ago A told me she could see me on thursday (online) this week. But that's not possible because I have to catch the train sometime in the morning.

And now all of it just feels like it's my fault. I wanted A too much, so she got sick. I had too many emotions, so she got sick. I decided to not see her twice this week, and she got sick. I wanted her too much, I wanted her too little, I felt too much, I shared too little. I should have flipped out on thursday, would that have mattered? All I want is to hurt myself. Pain pain pain pain pain. Please. I wish someone would just hurt me already.

Sorry I'm getting more and more triggered so I'll stop writing now and just go lay in bed. Only 2 days of work this week - tuesday and wednesday. And then days with friends. On sunday I'll watch both frozen movies with a close friend. And then hopefully A will be back??? Obviously britney, mara and whoever else is angry and distrustful is growling "we're NOT going back" but like. I will. I always go back. I've always been the one to crawl back, begging for another crumb of kindness, another drop of warmth.

I am drowning in longing. I just want A. I want to be a child and to have A as a mother. Even if I'd get born again with a whole new life and I'd get another mother who would hurt me, I'd want it to be A. (I know how fucked up that is to write.) (It's just how everything is messed up. Love comfort longing safety --- pain sexthings terror - what's the difference? What's the difference? Nothing, nothing, nothing. It's all the same. The only thing that's changed is that I am now close enough to other parts to prevent them from emailing A, begging her "will you please hurt me".

Which is good but also means it's not even getting out anymore. Everything is just stuck inside. I'm so alone. No one has ever loved me and no one ever will. Please hurt me. Please hold me.