lostillusionstuffs

[lostillusionstuffs]

Fear of starting something new

Let's talk about something which goes in everybody's head, but they can't speak out openly. Fear of starting something new. Everybody at some point had lost a bond, broke somebody's trust, lost something, failed and so on. Eventually when they again start the endeavors of starting something new, fear creeps in. "What if I again fail?", "What if I again lose the bond?", "What if things turn out to be the same as before?"... And guess what? People say the more we think about it, the more chances are there to happen the same thing over again. Eventually, maybe, history repeats. But we are too blind to see that the situations are different, people are different, the environment is different. But we keep on blaming ourselves for absolutely no reason. Hence this fear of new things - called neophobia becomes your new friend. And what is the end of it? Many people overcome it by taking help, therapy or simply ignoring it. While the rest of them- slowly and gradually, they die inside and become succumbed to mental illness.

[lostillusionstuffs]

Natalie Diaz, “Manhattan Is a Lenape Word.” Postcolonial Love Poem

[lostillusionstuffs]

hey. person who is recovering from childhood trauma. when you talk about things that have happened to you, you do not need to add a million caveats about how "my parents tried their best" or "it wasn't that bad" or "I had plenty of good times along with the bad". you do not have to make yourself feel guilty for just saying "yeah that sucks". I believe you. it did suck. it should never have happened. and you do not need to mentally apologise to your parents for saying so

[lostillusionstuffs]

History Repeats Itself!!

hey!! story time- It was 2020, August, during covid. I had just joined my new school and it was going really good. I lost my grandfather few months ago and so my family was not obviously in a good state... i had few limited friends among them I had a very good bond with a girl named Rimi. We were best friends and we used to be together- we forget everybody exists. So she had a fight with her best-friend- a really bad one which mentally affected both the families. i tried hard not to get involved, but being the immature, rebellious, protective kid- got into it as a 3rd person. THE BIGGEST MISTAKE I THOUGHT I DID, but not now(2024). My so called best-friend insulted me over call and blocked me. Apparently I'm the reason for her traumas, depressions etc and that she needed to go to therapy because of me. Our families got into a very uncomfortable situation and as a result everybody blamed me. Nobody supported me them. The 16 year old girl was very close to give up. She stopped behaving like the older self and blamed herself for everything. Apparently i became the BLACK SHEEP of my family. Nights after nights i didn't sleep, insomnia haunted me and all I did was cry and wished i was dead. But time healed me and life went on. Present day, i know whatever happened was for my own good. The girl gets into a fight with everybody who doesn't goes with her flow- so yeah now everybody knows whatever happened earlier wasn't my fault. But just a day back, history repeated- but with my college friend. Situations are different, persons are different- but the same ATTACK. The same feelings, the same emotions and the same "Don't Force Me to Block YOU!!!!!" I gave up again. I felt like dying again. I thought life will stop again. I thought again people will support anybody but not me. Again the same fear of losing somebody special!!!!

[lostillusionstuffs]

Every night around 10:00pm I realize that it’s only 6:00pm. 

[lostillusionstuffs]

i felt like shit again- all my friends and seniors know about everything related to our subject, but I knew nothing and i felt dumb in front of my juniors...

[lostillusionstuffs]

😭

A very tough year for relationships and friendships man

[lostillusionstuffs]

17 years old would not believe that I'm alive, fine and that I did overcome that horrible phase... except the fact that I still remember the past and it still hurts, but yes, I'm happy...

14 years old me would not believe I'm still alive.. 

[lostillusionstuffs]

You don't have to force yourself to bounce back so quickly. I read something recently that said "when you come in from a rainstorm, you don't expect yourself to be dry and warm right away", and it really resonated with me. It's okay to take time to dry off and warm up. Take the time you need to process what happened to you.

[lostillusionstuffs]

So this is what I Feel? okay

Lack of emotional response in situations where most people would feel something, is often referred to as emotional numbness or emotional detachment. This state can occur for various reasons, including stress, trauma, mental health conditions, or even as a defense mechanism to cope with overwhelming emotions.

[lostillusionstuffs]

ok well im going to build a good future for myself whether i like it or not

[lostillusionstuffs]

Can you share you secrets to the sky once again and pretend like nothing happened?

[lostillusionstuffs]

LooP

what is it that hurts the most? even when the dawn sets in and the moon takes over the empty space, you don't feel weak.

then why is it now? when you want darkness to haunt you. when you want to devour yourself in the pain, in the sleepless night.

is it temporary? will you come out from it again? will you again go through the cycle? are you once again stuck in that loop? will it ever come to an end? or will it finish you 'once again' ?

[lostillusionstuffs]

but what if family constraints are a thing...

“Apply for that job. Date that person. Buy that plane ticket. Move to that city. Do all the things that scare you, because they’re worth it.”

— Unknown

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I am pretty sure, even this time my luck won't work. In fact, there is no such word called "luck" in my dictionary... ~20.09.2024

[lostillusionstuffs]

Love how things do not work and I come here to vent my feelings...

[lostillusionstuffs]

I mean I thought I didn't like him the way he does, and I doubted whether I'll ever have feelings for him...

But...

Why do I have a change of feelings now? I'm doubting that I might have something now ... ughhhh!!