#letting people figure out their boundaries is part of healing

[birb--birb]

Yall really care about Astarions consent and bodily autonomy until it comes to him saying yes to something.

Player: Can I kiss you?

Astarion: If you must. (devnote: [Vampire Spawn] - Joking, delivered with a sigh and an eye-roll, "Oh all right, go on then, if you must..." kind of tone.)

[just-a-ghost00]

Connection check in (part 1)

First of all, Happy New Year to you and your loved ones. May you be blessed. I hope that you are healthy and happy. This is potentiallt going to be a lengthy reading so bear with me. I will be using every single deck that I own. If you're interested, I will list out the names of all decks at the end of this post. Each group will have a picture of their spread. What I'm going to do is do a first section about your energy so that you can figure out whether you picked the group that's meant for you. And then I'll do another section about your person's energy.

Your current energy

A. B. C.

Their current energy

1 2 3

Energy check - Group A

As I'm channeling into your energy I feel a strong sense of exhaustion and a strong need to feel whole again. You're in a period of your life where you need your peace and space to heal from all the wrong that has been done to you and give yourself the love you had been giving to others. You are in a very feminine energy right now where you are prioritizing yourself and your inner peace. You are likely not dating anyone right now or if you are, the contact with the person is very minimal. You may be keeping people at arms length because you are tired of being disappointed and let down by others. You're guarding your heart strongly. There's a lot of heart chakra healing going on. You're also grounding yourself, learning to appreciate your own company. With all this green and blue in your spread I also feel a strong sense of peace. It's like you've accepted your fate. You're holding for your truth that maybe being single is part of your journey. Maybe that was something that scared you in the past but now you may be seeking that solitude. You are realizing that being alone will give you room to grow and expand, which you could not do while surrounded by the people you knew. In that quiet atmosphere, you may feel inspired to pick up a new hobby or to go back to something you used to do. You may be receiving more intuitive downloads. I see you walking away from conflicts that are not your business. Maybe in the past you used to get caught in people's arguments and had a hard time setting boundaries. It's like now you're claiming your power and saying "enough is enough", "this is not mine to bear", "I do not accept this as my truth". I feel like you are redefining your priorities and needs. That might be especially true regarding relationships. In terms of zodiac signs, I was picking up on Taurus and Leo. I also picked up on someone trying to work on their body image. Like, you realized that because you looked or appeared a certain way, you attracted a specific kind of people that did not match your expectations. And so you decide to work on that because you don't want to attract such people. I also feel like some of you are going through therapy, trying to change the way you perceive yourself. Like, growing up you were lead to believe that you were not beautiful or that you were not enough. And I see you working hard to break that cycle and learn to love yourself for who you are and that is the most beautiful act of love you could do for you. You can be proud of yourself <3 When it comes to the connection, I feel like you don't fully trust your person and may be feeling like they do not see or love you for who you are. You may be taking your distances with them, keeping to yourself. I don't feel like this is something you have openly discussed about with them.

Energy check - Group B

Looking at your spread, I get a very cheerful and vibrant energy. You feel quite optimistic and energized overall, but particularly, you have a lot of hope for this connection. You feel inspired and motivated by the person you're asking about. I'm getting more of a Piscean energy from this spread, as well as Taurus energy. Your solar plexus seems to be very active. This chakra is related to your sense of confidence as well as your drive, your will. I feel like though you may have doubts about this person or feel uncertain about your own feelings, your curiousity and attraction are taking the upper hand. You wish to explore this bond that you share and see where it leads because you have a lot of faith in yourself and in life. You're in a very balanced energy with a more pro active tendency. You are currently tapping into your masculine energy a bit more. You may be feeling all over the place and have a myriad of questions left unanswered about this person. But you chose to go with the flow and see for yourself where this leads, which is very brave and cool. I feel like this connection invites you to settle down a little and question your habits, your perception of life. Though it may be scary to some, it is actually thrilling to you. I feel like you are making an effort to see the glass half full and trust this person. There's a part of you that fears the other's opinion of you. You may be afraid of rejection. But rather than rolling up in a ball in your corner, you are taking an upfront approach by asking yourself : "What can I do to put the ball in my court?". I feel like you are consciously and purposefully gauging this person's reactions by interacting with them frequently. You're trying to put yourself out there and show yourself under your best light though it makes you uncomfortable. I see you being vulnerable with them, showing them sides of you that you may not show to others, trying to create intimacy and build that sense of mutual trust. I see you trying to understand this person more and become a version of yourself that would match their requirements a bit more. I feel like you're trying to find a common ground with this person by changing aspects of you that you don't mind modifying for the sake of this connection. Like maybe if you have struggled with addictions you are now doing your best to deal with them. If you used to party a lot and hang out with friends, maybe know you are trying to slow down a little and create more time and space for that person to be into your life. I feel like you are focused on trying to prove to this person that you are good for them by being unique in their eyes and standing out from the crowd.

Energy check - Group C

You're in a bit of a rebellious spirit. I get a "f**k this I'll do what I want" kind of vibe from this spread. With the combination of Obsidian, the page of pentacles, the Ask Body card as well as "treat yourself eat anything you want" & "What am I waiting for?", I got the feeling like you found out something about this connection that upset you or triggered you. Maybe your person has flirted with someone else or you heard that another person was interested in your crush. And that urged you to let your voice be heard. I heard "hear me roar". I recently went to see Disney's Mufasa to the theater and this spread really gives me Taka vibes. I will not dive further into this because I don't want to spoil anyone. But those who've seen it will understand. It's like you're saying "I'm done hiding away and being the second choice". If you're not dating, maybe you're feeling like it's now or never and you won't get the connection you want unless you actively manifest it. If you're dating this person, maybe you are thinking about uping your game, taking things further with them. I get a feeling of urgency, of "I've waited enough now it's time to take matters in my own hands". I get a very masculine energy from this spread. You may be spying on your person, trying to gather information about what they're into to make your move. Some of you may be trying to glow up, going to the gym, getting your hair cut, changing your wardrobe and such. Also, I get the feeling that maybe a lot of people around you are being nosy and trying to interfere in your connection and you're done with their attitude. You may be cutting ties with people. This may be very specific but I pick up on someone choosing to turn their life over and start anew and right when people of their past hear about it, they all decide to come back and try to discourage you or get things out of you. And you're like "for so many years you didn't even check up on me and now you know I'm doing good you want to hang out" kind of feeling. Or like maybe you've updated your status on your socials, showed a picture of the person you're interested in and suddenly everyone's trying to give their unsollicited advice or straigh on hit on your person. And you're like "hell no, this ain't gonna happen". I get a very defensive and fierce energy from you. In terms of zodiac signs, I'm picking up on Scorpio, Leo and Virgo.

Decks used : Crystals oracle, Threads of fate shadow edition, I don't care oracle deck, Soul truth oracle deck, Enchanted forest oracle cards, Beast Soul oracle cards, White Numen Tarot light edition, Spirit Junkie Oracle, Des potes en ciel Oracle

[emilija04acer]

Jayvik fics list (pt2)

Older fics that are longer and were written before season 2. Many are a mixture of Arcane and LoL lore.

Byproduct of a Gifted Mind by argonautoida is the first part of the series Viktor Quartet. Jayvik starts in the second and third parts.

Viktor works for Silco in this AU.

I re-read this series a lot...

I will stay so the lantern in your heart won't fade by OrangeChickenPillow

“Come on,” was all Jayce said. “I’m taking you home.” Viktor shook his head, eyes widening slightly. After a moment of trying to organize his racing thoughts, he looked down and said, “I am not sure being alone would be the most responsible thing for me at the moment.” “Alright, well… No problem, then.” The other man looked up, confused. It still sounded very much like a problem. The sentiment must have been clear on his face because Jayce quickly explained. “Viktor, I am officially inviting myself to sleep over.” If Viktor had ever imagined getting Jayce into his bed, it would not have been like this.

doctrine by aevallare

"They're going to destroy us," Jayce says. "They're people, Jayce. If one thing in my life had gone differently, I'd still be down there myself." Jayce won't meet his eyes. viktor finances ekko and the firelights. this is not a conflict of interest until it is.

All of their Jayvik fics are lovely and I recommend them.

♥––––––––♥♥––––––––♥

Adopting Jinx>

AU is basicly a rewrite of the whole season 1.

Whatever It Takes by cryptiddentalstudent

Viktor, Jayce, and Mel raise an extremely volatile Jinx AU When Vi sees Silco standing over Powder she manages to break free from Marcus and get back to her sister. The two are captured by Silco– Vi becoming his right hand and de facto leader of the lanes- and Powder being sent away to Stillwater Hold as a hostage. But Powder is done being a jinx to the people she loves. Instead, she’ll use her bad luck to foil every plan Silco has for her. The first step? Get out of the prison cell. The second? To figure out how to get the two well meaning scientist who have taken her in to let her close enough to their research to build a bomb.

This is my favorite story of this AU. I love their dynamic in the first part of this series. Jayce and Viktor aren't together (yet) but Jinx thought they were.

Bombs and Secrets Both Blow Up by TheBardITP

Showing that hextech worked, and the subsequent debate with the Council, was exhausting. More than that, it wore out Viktor's lungs, meaning that he needed to get himself some medicine from the undercity. Unfortunately, witnessing a hextech blue explosion means his plans for the future irrevocably change. Two hextech partners become three hextech partners, as Powder latches onto Viktor instead of Silco. But Silco didn't make Jinx -Vi did. It's already too late for Powder, and Jinx will take her pain out on Piltover, the undercity, and anyone else she wants to. She has friends, though, and family -people who care for her. In time, it may be enough to heal her . . . at least a little. There will be a happy ending to the sad story of sisters and sister cities. Note: The main story is chapters 1-75. Everything after is fluff for the characters, who very much deserve it!

We’ll Paint The Wolf In Gold by AbiCats16

,'And as those wide eyes pierced her soul, Mel considered if she should just let it alone. She was not so brimming with love, and this child clearly needed more than she could give. She really oughtn't to bring herself trouble. This was not her forte, not her place, not within the boundaries of the comfort zone she had built around herself since her exile. She had no maternal instincts, and for a dreaded moment she reconsidered whether she should just turn the girl in and be done with it. And then the child leapt forth and latched onto her waist, knocking her to the ground. Well.' In which Mel takes in Powder at the end of Act 1.

The Scientist's Daughter by onegraycat

“You sound nervous, Viktor. Is something –” Then he caught sight of the small hand clutching the side of Viktor’s vest. Jayce’s words stuck in his throat as a face peeped out from behind the scientist, a young girl with startlingly blue hair looking up at him with fear. “Um – who’s this?” . . . years later . . . “Just this once,” Jinx whispered, “Can’t I prove that I can help my family instead of watching them die?" On the night Jinx loses her family, Viktor finds her and takes her in as his apprentice on the Hextech team. But when he falls ill, the lengths she’ll go to save him might just drive her mad…

A Scientific Guide to Parenting Your Spontaneously Adopted, Traumatized Child by Noir_Kabuki

On the fateful night that her monkey bomb finally works, Powder is swept up by a team of enforcers investigating the explosion and taken to Piltover, where she lands directly in the clutches of... two loving dads. Now Jayce and Viktor, in addition to spearheading the Hextech revolution and building their own relationship, have to figure out how to best take care of this belligerent, prodigious, and (often literally) bombastic little girl. Does chaos ensue? Yes. Would any of them change a thing? No they would not.

Collaberation of Loners by EndlessRose

A scenario where enforcers found Powder before Silco got to her. Now Jayce and Viktor are forced to appeal for their hextech dream and keep the very thief that started everything from being sent to prison.

pt 2 An Undoing by EndlessRose

A series of short stories with Powder living under the guardianship of the creators of Hextech. Will there be chaos? Of course there will be. A continuation of Collaboration of Loners

♥––––––––♥♥––––––––♥

Divorce Era (LoL + Arcane)>>>

What Shall I Do With This Body They Gave Me? by Thinwhitedutchess

After the explosion, the majority of the council are left dead. Viktor nearly joins them, but Jayce doesn't let him die. Now, a month after Viktor leaves Piltover, Jayce is summoned to the bridge. But the man he meets there is different than the one who left him. The war is just beginning.

My Dear Adversary by Ts_Stuff

Jayce scanned The Herald’s mask as if he could read into its unchanging features. “You really think we can set all of it aside?” Viktor came close to him again and offered out his right hand, “I have sacrificed my humanity for the bigger picture, Defender. This is nothing compared to that.” - With Shimmer rampant, and his The Council in corrupt waters, Jayce travels to the Undercity to get to the bottom of Shimmer production to expose his colleagues. Coincidentally, his long-time adversary, Viktor, is also looking to end the Shimmer Crisis for the sake of Zaun’s health. Normally, Jayce wouldn’t trust an enemy, but he has no funds or allies in his research. He could only hope he wasn’t making a mistake.

Broken beyond repair by Beweme

Jayce finds himself stuck underground with Viktor, and after deciding to make a truce until they get out, he realizes just how much he misses his old friend.

grieving (all that i gave up) by MaryaDmitrievnaLikesSundays

Jayce makes a list in his mind of what he knows for certain: Fact one: the building fell. Fact two: despite being inside, he hasn’t been flattened into a meaty pulp. Fact three: the Machine Herald, who could have used his inhuman speed to escape into the night, instead moved at the speed of light to stand over Jayce, back bowed, hands up against the concrete threatening to crush him, one knee digging into the floor to hold the weight of the building. Conclusion: ”You saved me,” Jayce whispers. —— Or, when the Defender of Tomorrow sets out to face off once again with the Machine Herald, he never imagines that he’ll end up stuck beneath the rubble with nothing but the Herald and their history.

Amaranthine Wins by chowderpuff

Lost in the streets of Zaun with a skinned knee, Amaranthine meets a man by the name of Viktor. He takes her in, patches her up, and gives her a bit of kind advice. He seems sort of lonely, though. If only he would agree to meet her dad (of sorts).

Divorced dads pretend not to care about each other.

♥––––––––♥♥––––––––♥

Explicit (one poly)>>>

HAMMER TO FALL by Caspercryptid (FaiaHae), theneonpineapple

Viktor and Jayce are roommates, old friends, and lab partners. They both have just one little secret from the other, which would be fine, if it weren't the same secret. Only on different sides of an incredibly deep divide between two cities.

This is a Super Hero\Super Villain AU... A love square, technically. When you don't know the identity of your arch-enemy, it kinda happens.

Guys, is it gay to have an arch-enemy?

Here is your answer >

breathe with me by Sinister_Queer

When the Machine Herald, gravely wounded, requests Jayce's help in repairing his augmented body - who is Jayce to deny his old friend? (AKA: The Inherent Homo-Eroticism of Holding Your Ex-Husbands Lungs In Your Hands)

Anywhere Away From Here by Laugh_at_the_girl_who_loves_too_easily

Viktor is forced to go to a Gala by Jayce and a night to remember ensues. Being invited to a Gala ran by the Kiramman's, or a gala ever, was not an occurrence Viktor saw happening in his lifetime. And yet here Viktor was. He was surrounded by Piltovians who didn't even know of his existence–like he expected–let alone his name, which occasionally frustrated the Zaunite, but for now he just wanted the event to end quickly. He hoped to fade into the background. Come tomorrow, Viktor would throttle Jayce for causing him to have to endure this... torture. He was certain Jayce was enjoying his pain right now, if he knew where the big oaf was.

2X8 Viktor behavior (in 22)

Someone Worth Sharing by fenfyre (Jace)

Viktor had known this day would come. Had known it since he noticed the way Mel looked at Jayce. What he had not seen coming though was how this day would end.

Mel invites Viktor to join them in Jayce's bedroom. There is powerplay, and it's long.

He who makes a beast of himself by MGCraig, SirCumference

'Maybe this is normal. Maybe most people who are dying of slow decay start feeling mysterious pains in the last months of their lives. Maybe he should just take up smoking shimmer and call it a life. Or, perhaps this has something to do with his… “experiment.” Maybe Viktor somehow did this to himself.' Viktor turns into a horrible creature. Jayce is kind of into it.

I'm sure some will be into this. Vik is the top in this one.

The Pulse of the Machine by BringtheKaos

The Machine Herald is captured by Piltover after a failed attack on the bridge, and he is mortally wounded in the process. Jayce must risk everything to save him and repair the damage done, racing against the clock as Piltover hunts him down for treason, but the history between them complicates things. Despite his claims that his actions are no longer dictated by emotion, Viktor is still harboring anger and hatred for his exile in the wake of Jinx's attack, and blames Jayce for what happened. But despite it all, they still care about each other (in their own violent, traumatized ways) and as time runs out, necessity forces them to face the past—and each other—if they want to get out of this unscathed.

wound care by weatheredlaw for Sinister_Queer

"No, you don't get to know," Jayce snaps. "You forfeited that right when you had your lawyer serve me with our fucking divorce papers in the emergency room!" or: jayce and viktor are two brilliant surgeons at piltover general. when a tough patient brings them closer together, old troubles make themselves known.

♥––––––––♥♥––––––––♥

Part 3 is on the way

[after-witch]

TPOF!Ren Imagine

Title: TPOF!Ren imagine [Ren Hana x Reader]

Synopsis: What if you were taken by Strade? What if you escaped, leaving Ren behind? And what if you just happened to bump into Ren, years later?

Word count: 2100ish

note: kidnapped reader, drugging, descriptions of violence and torture, scars, kidnapping, descriptions of noncon sex, just a stream of consciousness written imagine that I did before bed because I have no self control, take that as you will

Imagine Strade has kept you. You spend weeks, months--more?--being tortured in ways you could never have imagined. But you live. Somehow or another, you live.

You're kept there, like Ren, as an interesting pet. And the two of you share a tentative bond, in time. He did help you, after all...

But... you're afraid of Ren. A little. Not because he's ever been mean to you or hurt you without Strade forcing him to--but because you know that Strade can be fickle. He might decide he likes Ren better, and get rid of you.

Or maybe someone else he brings home will catch his eye, and he'll ponder getting rid of one of you... and who is more likely to go to make room for another long term victim, you wonder, the boy with fox ears or plain, simple you? It's obvious.

So sometimes, you're afraid of Ren. Afraid that Ren's existence will eventually mean your demise.

But you have your moments together.

Moments where you curl up in Ren's nest of a bed, letting his warm tail wrap around you, ignoring the way your shock collars occasionally clink together while you snuggle. Sometimes you whisper things to each other. Hopes. Fears. Secrets. Dreams for the future, which are sometimes shared fantasies of escaping together, going somewhere, starting anew.

There are shared pains, too. You sneak into the bathroom and clean each other's wounds, as much as you know Strade will allow without crossing an unspoken boundary. You press cool cloths to his burning cuts, he gently massages your healed but always-aching broken fingers.

Sometimes, Strade makes you hurt each other. Usually, Ren wins out in the end. But you have no chance against claws. You don't hold it against Ren after the fact, but sometimes when you're sharing a bed at night or a quiet moment when Strade is out of the house, you can't help but think about the way his claws rip through your flesh or the way his knot hurt when Strade yanked him out early.

And one day... Strade is dead. You scream for Ren when it happens--some new victim he's captured finally getting one over on him, not without their own fatal wounds--and Ren watches Strade die, and you watch Strade die, and then the two of you are standing over his gaping-mouth corpse.

The two of you head upstairs, the basement thick with quiet, and for the first time you don't have to worry about hearing Strade's footsteps come up them.

Ren's collar comes off first. Then he helps you with yours.

And you should--say something. You should tell him that the two of you will leave, go to the police, find an apartment, figure out what to do--something, anything.

But in the moment, you panic. You panic because you see in Ren's eyes that he wants you to stay with him and you're so afraid of being trapped again.

You bolt. You bolt out the front door and don't look back. You hear Ren shout your name and the pad of his feet up to the front door, but he doesn't cross the threshold.

You should go back for him. You should tell the police that he's there. But you're afraid. Your face was on Strade's streams. Who knew what sort of people watched them? What if you were recognized? Strade wasn't shy about the fact that powerful people watched his streams. What if... one of them was connected with the police department?

And so you don't say a damn thing. You pick up the pieces of your life and there's a part of you that you left in that damned house with Ren that rots and festers, but you can't let it stop you. You hate yourself for leaving. You hate yourself for not going back.

But you might have hated yourself if you stayed, too.

And then it's been years... and years.... and years.

You still suffer from your time with Strade. Mentally. Physically. The scars have faded, but they never go fully away, some white-blanched and others still retaining a tinge of vivid pink. You hate those the most.

And there's the aches and pains, too. Arthritis in your fingers and hands. A fracture in your foot that didn't heal properly, but you didn't have the health insurance to get it fixed, and now you walk with a limp and cane on bad days.

You get nightmares. Most of the time, you're right back in the house or the basement. Being tortured. Slow and thick dreams that are usually coupled with sleep paralysis. Ren is in them, sometimes, and he's scared and hateful and you wake up with that gnawing, awful guilt.

But you force it down. You have to--Ren was an adult, too, just like you. That's how you cope with the guilt. You tell yourself that he left the house and found himself a small place to live and he's doing fine out there. Working at a bookshop or some anime collectible store. Something that helps him get by. He'll have scars and nightmares, too, but he'll be okay, for the most part.

Just like you are.

Because you've moved on as much as one could, considering. You have a spouse--ten years together, now--and a house with a little yard and a career that leaves you comfortable enough, financially. You don't have kids but your spouse has nieces and nephews that you enjoy spoiling now and then, and that's enough for you.

You were so hyper-vigilant after your initial escape. You wore wigs, and went outside only rarely. You hopped around from place to place, used fake names. You had locks upon locks upon locks on your doors. You never went home the same way twice.

But over time... you gradually stopped worrying. When 1 year became 5 years became 10 years, when time aged your face and slowed your racing heart. When you got a long-term partner and stopped hopping to new places every year, terrified that someone would come find you.

Over the years, you stop looking over your shoulder everywhere you go. You stop assuming every stranger staring at you on the bus recognizes you from Strade's streams and is going to kidnap you and kill you. You stop thinking about it as an immediate threat and treat it like past trauma--to be dealt with, sure, but to be tucked away for your sanity.

And one day, one ordinary little day, you're walking around a secondhand collectible store to look for a particular book when you bump into someone.

The first thing you notice is that they're wearing a nice suit, tailored, like they're going to a business meeting or live in a big city where such outfits are considered casual wear.

The second thing you notice, when you look up at their face with an apology on your lips, is that underneath the hat that they lift every so gently, they have fox ears and scars and red hair peppered with just a dash of silver.

It takes you a moment. Two moments. Three moments.

It's Ren.

Older, like you. But Ren, clear as day, there is no doubt about it.

Relief and an awful, stomach-churning anxiety spread through your gut at the exact same time.

"Ren?"

He doesn't react at first, merely stares at you, and your nightmares come back to you: those nightmares where he hates you, where he tells you that you left him there like he's nothing, where he throws back all your whispered conversations in the dark back in your face.

And then a little smile splits his face and the gut-churning fear in your stomach recedes just enough for you not to shake when he places two hands on your shoulders, steady, and firm.

"Hey. It's okay. It's been a long time."

You break into something like a laugh, and tears prick at your eyes before sliding down your cheeks.

"How..." You don't know what to ask first. How is this possible? How are you? Why are you here? Are you okay?

And finally you settle on something that's eaten away at your soul, bit by bit, since you ran away.

"I'm... sorry." You can't look him in the eye. "I shouldn't have just left that day. But I was scared, and I--"

He places a finger to your lips, and the claw at the end seems sharper now, polished and carefully filed.

"Don't," he says. "It doesn't matter now." He has a coolness to his voice, a shrugging tone to it all. You wonder if it matches your own tone, sometimes, when you're confronted with reminders of the past.

"Do you... want to get coffee or something?" You ask, and you immediately feel stupid, asking if someone who was tortured alongside you (who hurt you, too--but he had to) for coffee like they were an old high school friend.

But he smiles, a little grinning pep to it now, a little bit of an edge with his teeth showing, and says, "Sure."

You leave the shop together, book forgotten, intent on catching up.

It should bother you, that he didn't look actually surprised to see you. It should bother you, that he swept you out of the store so quickly.

But you're too overwhelmed by his presence to notice little things like that.

You don't even notice the black car parked down the street that turns only only when Ren leads you into a coffee shop, pulling around the corner into a nearby alleyway.

You don't think twice about Ren texting someone after you arrive. You don't think twice about Ren ordering for you, motioning for you to find a seat, insisting on taking both cups to the little stand with sugar and creamers himself.

You don't think twice about the taste of the coffee being a little off. Ren put in too much sugar, probably. You used to take it much sweeter, back then, when Strade allowed the two of you to indulge in cup after cup to stay awake for nighttime streams.

It's a shame the hyper-vigilance ebbed away, really, because if you had noticed any one of these things, maybe you would have left the situation. Though, in the end, would it have stopped him?

You focus on awkward small talk. Asking what he's been up to (running his own business) and how he feels (better than ever) and whether he's okay (are you?).

He asks you questions, too, and you find yourself spilling it all too easily. You talk about your spouse, your cute little home, the garden you planted, the books you've read, the little career you've built. You ask if he still likes anime and he smiles, and then your hand is on his arm--you can see some of the scars on his hand, and your own, too--and feel so bad so you start to apologize again---

That's when things get... woozy. Your hand slips from his arm, and you can't grasp your coffee cup. You mumble something about not feeling good.

Ren is standing right away, helping you to your feet. He pulls out his phone and says he'll call an ambulance. You try to wave it off, you're fine, you're just overwhelmed, you didn't eat much today. He insists you sit down and if you weren't so dizzy you might realize something is wrong as he leads you down the street, into an alleyway, where at the end there is a shiny black car with tinted windows.

"I'll take you to get some help," he says, and you don't question it, because your mind is foggy and you can't see straight, and it's just Ren, isn't it? It's just Ren.

It's not until you're bundled into the car with Ren taking the spot next to you in the backseat, his worried expression smoothed over into something cool and triumphant, that the sense of wrongness hits you. Even through the fog of your mind, it hits you.

"Ren? Ren?"

"Shh."

That finger is back on your lips, but this time his finger pivots sideways, a claw lightly tracing one of your facial scars. You can feel it slicing open, like a papercut.

The little blossom of pain is a good distraction for the punch of the needle that he jabs into your thigh a moment later.

You have just enough time to gasp and mutter something, mouth opening and closing like a fish. Nothing comes out. You see him watch you for a moment, eyes half-lidded, before he stares ahead at the driver.

"We'll have time to talk later. When the drugs wear off."

The last thing you see before unconscious is his smile, almost a grin.

[follows-the-bees]

Filmmaking analysis time!

How cinematography, blocking, and camerawork in S2 eps 6&7 show Ed's and Stede's emotions.

Since season one, red has been used to show the love for each other: the red of the silk and Stede's new red shirt in both moon scenes. We also know that purple comes out more as Ed falls in love with Stede.

So let's talk about Calypso's Birthday and Man on Fire.

The lighting during this scene is full of color, the reds, purples, and blues. Besides being classic bi lighting, it incorporates the red and purple that we know represents Ed's and Stede's love.

They are swimming in it. Yet, they aren't the same blockingwise, they aren't as close as last season, there is still stuff between them that needs to be spoken. They are standing by each other, their bodies turned inward, and a giant red flower sits bright and center between them, showing how large and full the love they have for each other is.

These purples and reds diminish when Ned Lowe crashes the party. His presence brings a screeching halt to the healing and good times the crew and particularly Ed and Stede are having. He not only crashes the party but right before Ed and Stede were about to dance. This giant wrecking ball that symbolizes Ed's pirate past brings in the harsh blue and green lighting and ups the trauma for both men. Green lighting is used to show that things are off, it is off-putting and fills the scene and audience with unease.

Gif credit

The purple lighting stays very subtle during this whole scene, but as Ned insults everyone, and brings up all of the still unspoken insecurities of the men, the blue shines more, especially on Stede as he makes his choice to have Ned walk the plank. We see immediately how that affects Stede, his trauma comes roaring back, he's shaking, and has tears in his eyes. He retreats back to his cabin.

Ed on the other hand is also experiencing trauma here. While helping out and being around Stede, he has been treading water, trying to figure out what he actually wants in life. And the embodiment of that, when he was at his lowest after S1, when he was trying to break the record has come back to taunt him and the man he loves. He chooses to check in on Stede.

This is when the lighting and camerawork change. We are now inside and the lighting is warm, glowing from candlelight. Ed has a yellow glow behind him when Stede opens the door, like he is the beacon of light in this storm of emotion and trauma that Stede is experiencing from his decision to kill Ned. To cross that boundary when with the rest of the crew he used his usual positive people management style.

Pay attention to their positions here, cause this upcoming choice makes this scene feel off. The pull into the room and the subsequently slam into the wall and kiss are flipped. Along with the quick movements in each shot, this triggers a little part of our brain that realizes something is off even if we don't know why. Read more about the mirror shot in this meta analysis.

When Ed and Stede decide to be together for the first time, to numb the traumatic pain in their desperation and love for each other the lighting is different. It turns a warming orange/yellow glow, showing the softness of the situation.

These men desperately love each other and want to be together. They both agree to this night, Stede pauses before kissing Ed, waits until Ed nods his head and gives consent then pulls Stede in.

And when Stede closes the curtains, the lighting is back to red and purple. The two colors symbolizing the love these two have for each other.

In the morning, the bright yellow lighting is back. The beautiful morning sky in the background looks serene and idyllic, but it also puts our characters in a shadowy haze in the foreground.

They are still in the warmth, the afterglow of being together. Ed gets nervous and brings Stede breakfast in bed. (A parallel to Doug and Mary). They have an intimate conversation where Ed opens up about seeing mermaid Stede while in Purgatory. They have now been intimate in all forms of the word.

But there is still something off, just like with the mirrored images. Stede is shirtless, open, feeling safe. Ed has ditched his leather clothing, his Blackbeard persona, and is now in fine clothing. And I can't confirm but the inside of the robe looks purple. But his robe is closed, which can be read as still hesitant, even if it's subconscious. And they have the same body language of all of the last episode. They are sitting apart, not touching, but still comfortable facing and leaning into each other.

And this bliss continues outside where they open up more. The lighting is bright, pretty, they are surrounded by greens and tans, glowing still. Stede tells him about the multiple letters in bottles he has written. They are opening up about things but they are still avoiding what needs to be talked about - the trauma, their different paths that seem to be emerging.

And then finally, when the fight happens, all of the uneasiness from the mirrored shot, the close but not yet close enough body language, all of these choices come crashing down just like the relationship.

The light is muted. They have spent part if not all of the day apart. So the lighting indicates that it is approaching sunset not only in time but in their relationship, the foreshadowing of Ed breaking up with Stede and leaving.

Ed has already made up his mind. He is leaving to be a fisherman. He thinks what happened the night before - and by that - the moving too fast part was a mistake. While they both love and want each other, Ed is self sabotaging - in a direct parallel of last season - thinks he has ruined Stede, spiralling and choosing like he's done in the past to completely run away from the darkness. He needs to learn that he can embrace both (all) sides of himself without losing himself.

Stede tries to save it. Responds to Ed saying "this can be whatever we want it to be." But then things escalate, things aren't explained. Stede doesn't realize what the fish means to Ed, and saying he lied about the quality of the fish is Ed's view of them, "they are the fish."

They need to talk, about what they want, their diverting paths, finding common ground, and learn how to be in this relationship.

They believe the exact opposite of the truth. Ed thinks he's ruined Stede and that Stede won't love him if he's not Blackbeard (the chin convo!) And Stede thinks he isn't good enough for Ed (and everyone, that is why he goes a little crazy when people recognize him - in a direct parallel to Ed during the dinner party in 1x5.) And Ed doesn't love his softness.

All the lighting reaffirms just how much these two love each other, but the blocking, mirrored camerawork, and fast movements show the underlying unresolved tension that has been building up and ultimately leads to this rift.

[tanadrin]

Imagine one day a new social trend starts spreading. It’s something unbelievably dumb. Not harmful per de, but truly silly to believe. Let’s say, I dunno, healing crystals start going mainstream. Everybody’s talking about their crystals. It becomes impolite to criticize people who believe in healing crystals. They become a big part of people’s personalities, and people on TV start talking about them, and one day years down the line politicians are debating funding for crystal-based medicine. And through it all you are sitting there going, what the fuck is happening. I thought we were all on the same page on this. You want to get along and be friendly and open minded but you cannot pretend to believe in healing crystals, this is nonsense, and when the topic comes up you refuse to lie about it. This eventually starts to have social consequences—they’re that popular!—but what can you do? You cannot pretend a lump of quartz can cure the flu or whatever. It’s just all so unbearably embarrassing.

I think what the centrist/liberal/center-left reactionary turn driven by culture war stuff feels like. And I think the key emotion is probably cringe. Not hate, not fear, though those emotions may reinforce the turn. I think in a lot of cases people who imagine themselves pretty open minded and flexible have as part of their worldview something they thought was bedrock social consensus—on the level of “healing crystals are silly woo”—so bedrock maybe that it didn’t even need to be a conceptual boundary they actually policed in their minds.

For instance, when she started her anti-trans turn, JK Rowling made a big show of not being really anti trans, just arguing that Some People Had Gone Too Far. She wasn’t a frothing religious reactionary, after all. And I believe that’s probably true! I think Rowling probably did have a mental model of sex and gender with a little bit of give in it—of the “we can humor the odd weirdo” type. But as the discussion of trans rights in the UK got more serious over her lifetime, trans people went from “the odd weirdo” to “a recognized minority,” and eventually this ran against a bedrock belief that on some level men are men and women are women and never the twain shall meet. To act otherwise was just too embarrassing. And she wasn’t going to embarrass herself in the name of political correctness.

Other people whose brains have been eaten by the anti-woke mind virus (as @eightyonekilograms calls it) have something going of the contrarian in them, who enjoys yelling “up yours, woke moralists!” or w/e. Im thinking of ppl like Glenn Greenwald here, or Dave Chapelle, people who seem not to feel alive except when people are mad at them. That’s a separate but interesting dynamic. And there are people like Graham Linehan who become totally unhinged through this process of auto-radicalization, moths drawn ever closer to a particular source of validation within their chosen reactionary subcommunity, until they are truly parodies of themselves. That is also an important dynamic, but it’s one that only takes hold after the initial turn has begun.

I think the role of that feeling of cringe, that refusal to entertain an idea because it is too embarrassing (even if it does actually have a decent body of research behind it, unlike crystals) is important to think about, because I am interested in how to get people over it. I know that feeling has affected my own thinking over my lifetime. I wasn’t raised particularly conservative, but I had to learn not to cringe at a lot of feminist thought before I could appreciate it and learn from it. I explicitly didn’t have that cringe when it came to gay people for whatever reason, so it never entered my mind that it might be a problem. I remember being surprised to learn when I was very young that some boys wanted to marry other boys, but my response was “huh. Go figure.” Because for whatever reason I had not picked up that this was something I was supposed to be grossed out by. A general doctrine of empathy, of trying to understand people on their own terms, can help forestall some of this stuff, but it’s not foolproof in either direction—I don’t want to believe crystals have healing powers if it becomes socially popular to do so, just because it is socially popular to do so! And if they do, I don’t want to not believe they do just because it is socially unpopular!

(Obviously the crystals thing is not a one to one metaphor for the trans thing, so don’t read too much into that. Maybe astrology would have been a better analogy. Also I’m not talking just about people whose reactionary turn is predicated on trans issues—I think this dynamic applies to everything from gay rights to the Tridentine Mass. But trans issues are a handy example bc, as the adage goes, somebody posts once about trans people and they never post anything normal again. I think the classic rapid-onset trans derangement syndrome is closely tied to the fact that gender norms are a really deep element of many people’s social-consensus-based worldview, and so challenged to that worldview are felt as really cringe.)

I’m curious if other people who grew more liberal in their thinking over time had a similar experience of having to overcome what was basically a feeling of embarrassment at certain ideas.

[thetorturedbuckydepartment]

chapter two: the arrival

pairing: Bucky barnes x plus-sized!SHIElD!reader

masterlist

summary: being a SHIELD agent, you have a knack for analysing people, particularly when it comes to attraction. you have everyone figured out, sorted away into the boxes you've created. But there's one man you can never seem to figure out, the very bane of your existence -- Bucky Barnes. On the field, he is a saint, helping you dodge bullets and taking knife wounds in your name. Around the building? Public menace number one, always poised to insult or to spar with you.

After being sent on a 6-month-long torture-cum-vacation with the very man, could all this change? Could you finally figure out what has been bubbling beneath the surface for years between the two of you, the juggernaut that you know you cannot stop?

warnings:  language, heavy mentions of sex, brief and non-specific mentions of Bucky’s past

word count: 2.9k

taglist: @cjand10 @mcira

PREVIOUS PART

A/N: so excited for you guys to read! sorry ive been MIA recently -- the first half of august will be extremely stressful for me as I have my drivers theory test on the 10th, then I find out if I get into uni on the 15th, hopefully all goes well but you never know!! so for that reason, I haven't been able to write much since posting the first chapter, so updates might be every 2 weeks or so! im so sorry </3, but as always, please let me know how you're finding the story!!!!

The wedding band offers you a strange comfort as you twist it around and around your fingers, staring out of the window of the private jet. It’s a simple golden band, with your initials and Bucky’s engraved onto the inner edge. You hate it, but are too ashamed to vocalise it. It was less than a week ago that you were sobbing on the floor about pretending to be married, and now the wedding band, his initials rubbing against your skin on the inside of it gives you solace?

Bucky notices, because of course he does. He moves to sit directly in front of you, and you turn to him. Officially, the two of you are on the clock now, and so you keep your face impassive, instead of scowling or staring angrily at him. He leans back in his seat, shoving his hands into the dark leather jacket you’re all too familiar with, slouching. He’s wearing jeans the same colour as his eyes, and a red henley that’s just peeking through the top of the jacket. Average, suburban white guy, with a bit of New York flair. 

“You’ve been avoiding me all week.” He states simply, like it’s the most abhorrent fact he’s ever had the displeasure of narrating. You nod, trying your best to not let a snarky remark sneak past your lips, currently coloured in a sheer red. 

“I don’t want to get sick of you too soon. It’s the longest we’ve ever been on any mission. You remember Bucharest, right? How we were almost at each other’s throats in two weeks, and because of us poor Sam spent a week in the medbay? I don’t want that to happen again.” He glances down at the memory, as if humiliated by the outcome of that mission. You know you are — you still check Sam’s hands to see if he’s still healing. You assume he’s done with talking to you and turn to stare back out the window, admiring the green fields and fluffy clouds.

“I understand. But that means we haven’t talked about anything. Like our cover story, how I proposed. Or how affectionate we’re going to be with each other.” 

“Well, you’re still going as James Barnes, aren’t you?” Realistically, you should’ve said The Winter Soldier. That’s what you mean, and he knows that. But you can’t bring yourself to say it, to remind him of everything he’s trying to escape from. It seemed to be an unspoken boundary between the two of you, that you’ll never throw that title in his face, especially when you’ve seen the way he retracts from society and begins to shake in his seat at those three words, regardless of who uses them. His past, before you knew him, you decide to leave untouched. You couldn’t live with yourself if you belittled him and shamed him for things that happened to him, things that he was never in control of.

You’ve read the case files. You know the atrocities. You can’t do that to him. Even if he chose to cross that line, you can’t wound him in such a way, especially not for petty revenge. You want to annoy him, yes, but you don’t want him to truly ache irrevocably because of you. For some reason, you can’t bring yourself to do that to him.

“Yes. And you’re still going as you?” You nod, gears turning in your head.

“We can say we met in Wakanda, and we were friends for 5 years. You were hopelessly in love with me the whole time, obviously. But I only started seeing you as more than a friend after… we went to a friend’s wedding together, and I didn’t have a partner so I dragged you along with me. When they exchanged their wedding vows, I realised that what you and I had was special, and that you’re ridiculously handsome. And the rest is history.” You shrug, hating that you’ll have to admit to his stupid, pretty face that he has a stupid pretty face.

“How’d you come up with that? You don’t really seem the romance type…”

You think for a moment, reabsorbing the insult that you almost fire at him. Is he implying that you’re a slut, again?

“Just because I’ve never been serious about anyone before, doesn’t mean I’m a heartless monster, James. I’ve read books, and seen TV shows. I prefer romance, to remind myself that somehow, sometimes, men can be at least decent.” Your eyes bore into his then, silently expressing your anger. “And I’d really appreciate it if half of your insults toward me aren’t slutshaming. Keep it to yourself.” You can’t help it.

His eyebrows furrow, and somehow he looks even sexier. God, you hate how your sexual attraction toward him peaks when he’s civil with you. “What? I’ve never…”

“Yes you have, don’t lie. Almost every other sentence you say to me, you mention me sleeping around. Now, I don’t give a fuck what you think, but it’s beginning to get annoying. You wanna get your marks up? Find some new material.”

“Butterscotch, no. That’s—That’s not what I mean. You’re the only person I’m ever around who’s had so much sex, but it’s not a bad thing. Definitely not a bad thing. It just genuinely seems to me that whenever I see you, you’re always planning to hook up with someone. That’s why. I’m not shaming you for having sex, do whatever the fuck you want. I’m sorry if I made it seem otherwise, or if that’s why you hate me.” You’re constantly shifting between staring out the window, and at him, but when he apologises you can’t help but give yourself whiplash, wondering if he’s joking.

A million more questions circle your mind, and your anger flares up before you can stop it. You stand up, walking over to where he sits. He watches your face, as you grip the armrests and lean down so you’re uncomfortably close to him. He gets flustered so quickly, it’s another one of your favourite weaknesses of his to exploit. “You think that’s why I hate you? I hate you, because you’re an arrogant, self-centred bitch, who’s only ever treated me like shit.” In truth, he’s only arrogant and self-centred when it comes to you. To everyone else, he’s as sweet and humble as they come, and that’s what bothers you the most. 

That he’s chosen to have some personal vendetta against you from the very first night he met you, when you tried to be kind. You greeted him, smiled at him, bought him a vinyl player and limited edition vinyls from the 40s in mint condition for his fucking birthday, and all he ever was, was cruel to you. He scowled, he turned away from you. He all but threw your thoughtful gift across the room and fled from the birthday party.

That was your breaking point, when you decided that he’s not worth it. At first, you gave him the benefit of the doubt. He was fresh out of Wakanda at the time, and you thought that maybe he was just having trouble reintegrating into society, what with the hell he’d been through. But then, you noticed the way he spoke to Nat with a wide smile on his face, how he loved to laugh with the other agents, and you noticed it was just you that he was still closed-off and horrid to. That’s when you began to be cruel, began to insult him and scowl right back, mirroring his expressions 

You’d never done it before then, but it felt so natural, so deserved. And then it had become second nature, as easy as blinking, or finding someone new to sleep with. It’s even more embarrassing to admit that you’d found yourself, for the first time, having strong and true romantic feelings for someone, and then he shut you down like that. How could you not? With a face like that, and an unwavering passion in those cobalt eyes, how could you not form some semblance of attachment? 

You briefly remember the way you’d acted around him, like a giggling schoolgirl who’s just dipped her toes into the dating world. How naive you had been, how foolish. It all just makes you grimace now, fuelling the flames of your hatred all that much more.

He searches your eyes, trying to dig beneath all the malice. As if you’d let him. He must know that to poke the bear is futile at this stage, because he decides to change the topic.

“And what about me proposing? How long have we been married? Where did we go on our honeymoon?” Your faces are so close…if he were half a decent person you wouldn’t leave any room for him to even breathe at this current second.

“Don’t tell me I’m gonna carry all the braincells on this mission, Barnes.” You retreat back to your seat, slumping over yourself, trying to ignore all of the bitter memories that have just been dragged to the forefront of your mind. 

A brief silence descends over the two of you, and you swivel your attention once again to the landscape outside, buckling your seatbelt as the flight attendant announces that you’re about to land.

“One day, I asked you over to my apartment, on our three year anniversary. December 22nd. I cooked you your favourite meal, chicken biryani with that raita that you like, and red velvet cake for dessert. It was a candlelit dinner in my tiny apartment, with a red tablecloth the same colour as your dress. After the dinner I asked you to marry me, reciting stanzas and stanzas of prose about how beautiful and amazing you are, and how in love with you I am. Then, we made love until dawn, obviously.” 

A smile graces your face at his last words, at how innocent he appears when he refers to having sex as making love. The sentiment is sweet.

His seeming innocence catches you off guard at times — he’s been amongst all the agents and Avengers for eight years now, as opposed to your 13. The agents are always throwing themselves at him, especially those not into women, at all. You’ve often assumed he hooks up with most of them, seeing as Steve’s often recounted stories of what a charmer he was back in the 40s. And when he’s nice, you doubt anyone could resist him.

So why does he seem so new and inexperienced to most things? Another mystery you can’t be asked to solve.

“God, you’re just dying to have sex with me, aren’t you?” You tease, letting your grin  mould into something a little more sadistic, indicating that the thick, putrid air of a few minutes ago has passed.

He rolls his eyes. “Don’t flatter yourself, the story pretty much requires it.”

You nod in mockery. “Uh huh, of course. You pervert, we’re not going to tell anyone that. The idea of premarital sex will probably give half the kids in those suburbs a heart attack.” His eyes rake up and down your figure, and you give him your most salacious grin. You usually reserve it for men across the bar, when you catch them checking you out. It’s reserved for inviting them over for casual conversation and bathroom sex.

On Bucky? It flusters him to hell and back when he’s on the receiving end of it. Just like it is right now, as he tries desperately to hide the blush that’s spreading quickly across his cheeks. He swallows, and you watch his Adam’s apple bob against his throat in an almost predatory manner.

It’s in moments like these you’ve often thought about hate sex. Specifically with Bucky, about what it would be like to pull on his hair, to boss him around like you usually enjoy to. Would he listen to you? Or would he bark orders of his own at you, gripping at every inch of you desperately? But you’re scared, because he’s the first person to ever make you want to pursue them romantically, and you’re scared all the hate will melt away with every gentle yet scorching touch, leaving you vulnerable.

You hate being vulnerable.

“We’ve only been married a month, and we went to Spain for our honeymoon. We just got back two weeks ago to finish packing.” He completes, and it seems simple enough. You notice how his voice shakes ever so slightly, still influenced by the way you look at him, and the way he refuses to make eye contact. 

“Sounds good. We’ll stick with that then.” You offer, not bothering to look at him twice as you leave the jet and step into the family sedan that Bucky’ll be driving.

You sigh as you sink into the passenger seat in a car that smells too clean, staring out the window as if bored. You wonder if either of you will be able to not kill the other in these six months.

In your mind, you either fuck or fight it out. There’s no other way you’re emerging. 

You wonder which option he’d choose, studying him as he settles in beside you, so close that you can smell his cologne. He’s taken off his leather jacket and shoved it to the backseat, exposing his arms and—his left arm is no longer metal.

He catches you staring — he’s always looking for an excuse to stare at you. “Fury handed it to me after the initial briefing. It fits over my arm like a second skin, so it looks normal. I’m supposed to be trying to get back that normal life, remember? Fury said it’ll help disillusion and distance me from The Winter Soldier in these civilian’s minds.” Somehow, it sends a pang through your heart, still, at the way he’s trying to not lose his shit and start crying at even the thought that they’ll still see him as an empty weapon, a vessel for unimaginable evil. You soften.

“Here, let me drive — you just learned what a car was, like, six months ago. Plus it’s manual. I know Steve only let you learn automatic. Come on, stop being a bitch and switch with me.” You’re goading him, holding out your hand for the keys as he blindly stares at the console, trying to process how you know that fact about him. 

Steve and you are close, best friends even. That’s why. He turns off the engine and does as he’s told, mind probably currently too occupied with awful memories to register you’re being soft with him.

As you settle into the driver’s seat, adjusting the mirrors as he stares down into his lap. “Besides, when you walk in there unarmed and without a murderous look on your face, they’ll know, James. It’s been years.” Your tone is too gentle, too gentle considering your history. But you can’t help yourself, and you let your hand gently touch his arm even though he won’t feel it. He looks up, and you see his eyes brimming with tears.

“But what if it doesn’t work? What if they see right through me?” His voice is so small, unlike any tone he’s ever taken with you.

“It will. It will work, they won’t see right through you. If they know who you are, you know they followed your trial, your rehab in Wakanda. They know you were pardoned. And they’ll know when you treat all the kids with respect, because you’re good with them. When you help the seniors cross the road, when you help the sexy neighbour with her groceries. They’ll know, because you’re good. You have a good heart, and you treat almost everyone you know with nothing but love and affection. Just because I’m not on the receiving end of it, doesn’t mean I can’t see that. Trust your gut, James. It’ll all be fine. And if I can pull off being in love with you, they’ll definitely see it too. I’ll sing your praises to everyone in town, I’ll do everything to convince them if I have to. Because that’s the only way our cover will work. This is official business, James. This isn’t you and me around the Tower, or sparring in the gym. Just trust me here, okay?” You don’t know why you’re sympathetic, you don’t know why you care. You don’t know why you’re saying all of these things like you’re falling in love with him, all you know if that he’s falling apart and you have to try and stop it.

You have to try and be there for him, gripping his hand between both of yours, trying to offer a physical reminder that he’s in the car with you, not back in that horrid lab or in the sterile courtroom as some bald, red-faced lawyer tries to write him off as the most heinous cretin to disgrace this planet. You look at him and he looks at you and the tension is almost palpable, like you could cut it with a knife. You have no idea what’s happening to you.

“Okay.” He says quietly, his thumb stroking the side of your hands. Sam beeps the horn behind you, him and Steve posing as the movers and carriers you and James have hired. 

It startles you out of the moment, reminding you of your rapid heart, beating so fervently against the jail of your ribs that you feel it in your fingertips. You turn to the road ahead, signalling to the PARKER PACKERS AND MOVERS truck towing behind you. You swallow, hopefully taking any softness for Bucky along with it.

It’s going to be a long six months.

NEXT PART

[shiraishi--kanade]

A controversial opinion but I'm tired of seeing touch-averse characters in media who "get over" their touch aversion.

Not even because it's misrepresentation or not realistic, and not because it's a bad narrative tool. I actually think that, if touch aversion was a result of trauma for that character, them getting used to touch and tactile contact can be a pretty neat healing narrative if done right.

I'm sick of that because the only way we ever see touch-averse characters in media is when they're given a "recovery arc".

But touch aversion is not a disorder. It's not a mental illness. It can be a symptom of one, but not necessarily, and even when it is, it's still morally neutral.

Only getting touch-averse characters who get to "heal" and "learn how to hug" is disheartening because it's simplistic and only touches a part of what touch aversion is. Also, ultimately, in a society that near universally praises physical contact as one of the highest forms of expression love, stories about overcoming one's touch aversion are stories about conformity. So let me hear the story about non-conformity.

I want characters whose touch aversion is not traumagenic and they don't want to change it. I want characters whose touch aversion is traumagenic and they don't want to challenge it, either because they're not there mentally yet despite the fact that it hinders them or just because they're comfortable as they are and don't feel the need to change. I need characters whose touch aversion is a part of their identity and their boundaries are important to them, and when other characters break those boundaries it's not treated lightly or as a running joke. I also need characters who don't even know what being touch averse is, and that it's normal and not a moral failing on their part, and it doesn't make them less worthy or less "normal" than others, and who doubt if they even are touch averse.

I want characters who are touch-averse at the beginning of the story and stay touch-averse. I want characters who know exactly when they gained it, what caused it, and characters who don't, and characters who don't care. I want characters who have always been touch-averse since they were born. I also want characters who are not secretly touch-starved or suffering from their touch-aversion, and I want their companions to assume they must be and be wrong.

I'm tired of almost all scenarios about touch aversion being "oh no, I thought I don't like being touched but I actually do, and now I don't know how to ask people for it", or "everyone assumes a shy character is just touch averse but actually isn't", or the healing arc. Give me some nice and good "Welp, I thought my new friend touching me would be different, but it still feels as bad as a stranger touching me, how do I deal with that?", or "I can't communicate my boundaries for shit and my friend seems sad so I wanted to hug them once and it resulted in months of confusion and unwanted physical contact and I don't know what to do", or even the classic old people forcing themselves into touch because it's normal or they think they should.

Also: let touch-averse characters have romantic relationships. Let touch-averse characters have sexual relationships if that's feels right for them. It's challenging, it's difficult, it requires a lot of figuring shit out and emotional workload, but sometimes touch aversion doesn't let you make even one exception, even to the "most special people in your life", and you have to deal with that, and it's realistic and also a story I would read.

Or let them have an extremely specific hierarchy of who can or can't touch them, for how long, and in what way, and if they need to be asked for consent (which is, like, a good thing to do anyway, by the way), and let them stand their ground even as people and relatives get offended by it.

And lastly: if they do heal, let it be because they want to. For whatever reason, let them initiate the healing and have agency in that decision. Stories about overcoming touch aversion with other people just repeatedly breaking your boundaries without even asking and it somehow being healing to you make me sick and not how that would work out.

Touch averse people deserve to be seen without always having the "oh, but actually you're not really like that, you've just traumatised/not used to it/haven't found the right people yet" narrative showed down our throats. That would be neat, I think.

[moonlitrogue]

.𖥔 ݁ 🪐Cosmic Slow-burn~

࣪𖤐.ᐟ read for your sun + rising sign and move one back for post-january.

𖤐.ᐟ please only take what resonates as this is an intuitive reading meant for the collective

𖤐.ᐟ all music related puns are accidental or coincidental*

──────‧₊˚ 🪐 ‧₊──────

⋆｡ﾟ☁︎｡⋆｡ ﾟ☾ ﾟ｡⋆ a little perspective to navigate Mars Retrograde in Leo-Cancer (Dec 06, 2024 - Feb 23, 2025) ⋆｡ﾟ☁︎｡⋆｡ ﾟ☾ ﾟ｡⋆

──────‧₊˚ 🪐 ‧₊──────

✦ General Themes ✦ ego-death, family triggers, reassessing friendships, associations and attitudes towards creativity + drawing boundaries

✮⋆˙🪐 Leo - *lights out*

okay i have a lot of metaphors for this section. you had a wild night out, you come back home and you look into the mirror. WHO THE HELL IS THAT?! imagine a power cut during a live gig. *bites lips like michael scott from the office.* here’s another one, you play the same song every night and the very next gig you can’t recall the lyrics. all the notes fall flat. this crack in your superstar aura is just… a call to redefine your vibe. NO IMPULSIVE MAKEOVERS. just, redefine. your. vibe. you may have forgotten your authenticity in the rut, forgetting what you’re projecting, pushing through the room forcefully. so, here you are right now. questioning every “cool” move you’ve ever made, your every choice and the charisma you thought you had, basically your confidence is slowly waning. you now have the oppurtunity to rebuild it on your terms. more real, more genuine and more YOU.

✮⋆˙🪐 Virgo - *subconscious soundscapes*

this is the closing track - the deep introspective ballad, the fading chord as you battle your inner demons under the midnight sky. shadow work beckons you to the shadows. nightmares about past regrets may hit you. you’re being asked to revisit any past healing practices and modalities which may have helped you. it’s time to release old wounds and let in spiritual renewal. don’t mistake your loneliness to mean abandonment. you’re only becoming aware of the stale energy and narratives which are holding you up, in a private space. let them go. something lighter, clearer and more connected will settle into their place. this isn’t the final track after all, it’s the interlude to your freedom anthem.

✮⋆˙🪐 Libra - *feedback and static*

you’re in a crowded room and no one's listening, you try to sing with them, but your voice is being drowned out. the vibes are not vibing. you’re facing a noticeable shift in the groups you’re part of, your communities and goals. this slow-down offers you the space to re-evaluate your forward momentum. however, this is not the time to form new alliances. you may reconnect with old acquaintances, or causes that reignite the spark in you. and there’s always the old karaoke room for one. jam out and be in the moment.

✮⋆˙🪐 Scorpio - *headliner on hold*

the spotlight moved away just before you hit the stage. your ambition may have gotten tangled in some red tape. your promotion may be delayed. and you’re asking yourself, am I really the headliner I was promised I'd be? the opening act may not always be the main act, keep in mind that these delays are a vital pause for you. tweak your strategy, sharpen your skills. your authenticity is your spotlight, reconnect with people who have always believed in your potential. this is not the time to retreat. you're in the middle of filming your behind-the-scenes documentary on your rise. buckle down, rockstar.

✮⋆˙🪐Sagittarius - *dreams and detours*

your adventure has been delayed. but the real odyssey is figuring out what you’re running from - or toward. there’s magic in the detour. your inner landscape calls for a deep exploration. an old mentor may return with fresh insight. if you’re drained from academic pursuits, see where the connect is missing between your experience and your evolving truth. this isn’t about abandoning your pursuit (atleast, to some of you), it’s about deepening the bond and reason for your vision.

✮⋆˙🪐 Capricorn - *secrets and smokescreens*

you tried to hide some stuff in the b-sides didn’t you? well they’re going on the comeback tour i’m afraid. it’s not easy being vulnerable and confronting your fears. whatever your secret is, embrace it with honesty. this cosmic audit also shines a spot light on your shared resources. feel for the spaces in between the pain, fear or lack of trust. this isn’t destruction, dear one. it’s just the false falling apart. you will emerge wiser and more authentic.

✮⋆˙🪐 Aquarius - *duets and discord*

relationships may have hit a minor key. if you’re in a relationship, your partner may want some space. there may be some tension that forces you to renegotiate the terms of your partnership. if you’re single, some old emotional chapters may have reopened. you get a chance to work through your love related wounds and let it not feed any bad behaviors. i have no puns for this section. it’s serious folks.

✮⋆♪🪐 Pisces - *work, sweat and setlists*

what’s that smoke? oh right. you’re burning the midnight oil. but you know what happens when you inhale too much of the smoke, right? if your grind has gone glitchy, please consider slowing down. the spotlight and the applause will be waiting for you. just like it is important to tune your guitar before the next gig - figure out a sustainable routine, balance rest with work and tune your self.

✮⋆˙🪐Aries - *lovers and late-night lyrics*

creativity? has gone for a smoke break. this is the time you can revisit and refine creative projects, rewrite the script, dive back into your previous drafts instead of forcing an encore. your love life? may feel like a song stuck on the same heart-breaking line. old flames may reappear but don’t get fooled, nostalgia is a tricky muse. maybe you’ll find a new ending to that draft after all.

✮⋆˙🪐 Taurus - *the greatest hits*

not the enjoyable one, but the one of your family arguments at the dinner table. umm. this could be an emotionally volatile period for you. it’s not easy facing family related wounds and trauma. and you don’t have to! look for your safety first. take back your emotional space, be open and assertive with the things you can control. don’t be confrontative nor pay attention to triggering encounters. if it’s a safer space then express your emotions that honors both your needs and dynamics of your home life. renovate your living space, and that’s the most external action that’s required of you during this transit, indulge yourself really! if you’re taking up therapy or guidance then this is a good time to release old trauma patterns and identities that you’ve had to take up. if you feel like you’re losing connection with yourself due to family or home related priorities, look into that. create boundaries and conserve your energy on the family front.

✮⋆˙🪐 Gemini - *lost in translation*

it’s definitely not your delivery. it’s the timing. i get it, it’s frustrating as heck. you’re constantly misinterpreted. your witty remarks and comebacks miss the beat. and what’s more, any short trips or daily commute may feel bumpy. a usually smooth ride has ended up in you taking frustrating detours. add to that, some old dispute between a neighbor or your sibling flares up. this isn’t an easy time for you, dear one. remember you can always inject back clarity into these frustrating developments. since it’s not wise to resist this slow pace of things, make good use of all that time to be intentional in your communication, and be gentle with anything else that may push you towards the edge. things will fall back into place in time. this is your invitation to be more refined and go analog.

✮⋆˙🪐 Cancer - *your greens don't go with the blues*

that limited edition record you just bought, was it worth it? im not guilting you about buying things or chasing fleeting highs. we all deserve some treats to get through this life. but maybe it’s time to invest in something that pays you back. this energy refocuses your attention on your internal pursuits. how does money affect your self-worth and security? things that are valuable may not always be of value. it’s time to revisit your financial habits. and also that art/skill/relationship which had long-term emotional value and nurtured you in return. and do hold onto that vinyl. it was expensive as *heck*.

──────‧₊˚ 🪐 ‧₊──────

[nomsfaultau]

Hybrid AU in exile week where avian instincts can take over to a degree that is almost horrific, erasing someone’s personality and rationality when they’re panicking. First part here.

Philza flinches. He doesn’t understand why Tommy is suddenly shouting at him for supposedly exploiting his instincts. But he does understand the way Tommy’s wings puff up, bracing to be hit, and it makes Philza freeze as he watches his hatchling throw open the door and storm out of his life. 

“Would it make you more comfortable if I remove your feathers?” 

Tommy stumbles slightly at the threshold, then scoffs, throwing a glare over his shoulder. “As if you would. It’s too convenient to force my instincts to feel safe around you.” That would explain why Tommy isn’t looking at him. Philza can’t breathe. His chick doesn’t feel safe?

Tommy is confused and wary when Philza removes the hatchling’s feathers and hands them back. It only grows as Philza asks if he wants the ones woven into the nest removed as well. The fact he’s at a loss as to why someone would respect his boundaries hurts almost as much as ripping out where Tommy’s feathers mark him as part of the flock. 

But he does it, since that’s what Tommy needs to feel safe, even if Tommy is suspicious of his attempts. Horrifically, he discovers almost every act of affection was interpreted as manipulation, especially the parental ones. Philza winces as Tommy declares he wants to self-preen from now on, decrying the bonding experience as nothing more than manipulation. 

But- hadn’t Tommy liked it? Philza isn’t stupid, he’s figured it would hit close to memories of his abuser. That’s why he’d been so careful to frequently ask if he wanted to stop. But Tommy had coo’d back every time, asking him to keep petting his wings long past the point they were tidy. Like he wanted to stay in Philza’s arms forever. That’s why Philza asked to make their flock official, he’d thought… Tommy had seemed so happy…

Philza feels confused, and awful, and worried. “You know you can let me know when I’m making you uncomfortable, right mate? You can always tell me to stop and I will.”

Tommy doesn’t believe him then. 

But slowly he starts to, tentatively testing the waters over the weeks and waiting with bated breath to be punished for it. As if it’s such an overreach to demand the basic bodily autonomy of people asking permission before showing physical affection. As time passes, he rejects it more and more, growing comfortable asserting his own wants. Philza aches with the desire to tuck his chick under wing, but swallows the increasing distance. It’s good that Tommy feels safe refusing what Philza wants. He’s healing. Philza’s empty arms must be a good thing. 

And naturally, he becomes a little turd with it once he feels safe enough, but Philza can’t exactly resend the promise and so ends up being forced to just stand there while a zombie attacks him since “swinging that sword around makes me uncomfortable Phil, I thought you said this was a safe place.” But Tommy’s delighted laughter makes up for it, even if Philza forces him to replace the golden apples he wasted to survive. He doesn’t mind the little pranks.

But something in Philza panics when Tommy finally abandons the nest to sleep in a bed. He can’t sleep at night, tormented by the keen awareness his nest is empty. Instincts howl to find his chick, because no matter how he fights it that doesn’t change the imprinting. Verging on falling prey to parental instincts and dragging the boy to the safety of the nest, Philza sneaks out the front door and slumps against it. He can’t break that trust, he just can’t. But neither can he sleep with an empty nest. 

His movement sends a few dogs barking, and it isn’t long before Techno looms over him in the cloak of midnight. Philza holds himself a little tighter. “My nest is empty,” he says hoarsely. Techno lurches to action, till assured Tommy is perfectly safe. “He doesn’t want to be my hatchling. It hurt him too deeply last time.” And yet his instincts care not, crying in panic. Philza buries his face in the knees drawn to his chest. 

“Would you be able to sleep if something else filled the nest? Like, could the instincts tell the difference?” Philza has no idea, but as exhausted as he is he’s willing to try. Or, till Techno volunteers himself, because Philza really doesn’t want to make his instincts Techno’s problem. Techno shrugs. “Probably a lot less awkward for me than it is Tommy, given how long we’ve known each other. Might as well try.” Not that Techno cares to be viewed as a piglet, but his feelings were bruised when the broody Philza categorized him as a threat. “We’re a flock, aren’t we?” 

“Always.” So Techno burrows into the nest, rooting it up till Philza’s feathers ruffle disapprovingly. They’re different, and Techno likes it that way, but the dozens of little instances where their instincts misalign get under his fur sometimes, like a wedge between them. But they both refuse to let it stop them. The hesitance is drowned in a yawn, and Philza nestles over him. It’s a reassuring pressure, reminding Techno of the sounder he long aged out of. Soft feathers wrap around him, and after a few sleepy coos, Philza drifts off, finally assured that his nest is barren no more. Techno smiles, glad he could help his friend. He wraps an arm around Philza’s feathered back, and likewise accepts the embrace of slumber. 

Next>

[ineffable-endearments]

I don't know if I think it's likely that Crowley would hang around Soho after the events of S2. Something in my gut is telling me that he would flee. Just...way, WAY too many reminders of Everything. People asking him where Mr. Fell's gone, probably. Hundreds of years of memories. And given that he's going to want to reestablish his own boundaries and emotional walls immediately after what feels to him like a massive betrayal, I don't think I see him wanting to look out for the bookshop or do any favors in memory of Aziraphale. Not yet; not until their story moves forward a bit.

But on an emotional level, the vision of the other characters trying to comfort him is so healing. I WANT to see Muriel trying to talk to him about human stuff and being so ridiculously goofy about it that Crowley forgets to be sad for a few seconds. I WANT to see Nina serving him espresso and sarcasm, and Maggie bringing him records that he doesn't usually like but occasionally does.

And yes, I WANT to see him looking out for the bookshop anyway. I don't know if I can believe it, but I want so badly for him to look at the ruins of his former life and decide it's still worth something. Even if Aziraphale isn't here now. The history in the books and the scrolls and the people who live in the neighborhood and the very buildings themselves - they're still worth something.

And there is still room for a few potted plants in the shop, which he brings from his flat.

I also want Crowley to find out what Newt and Anathema and the Them are up to. I want to see Anathema warily eyeing Crowley from afar as she wonders why this weirdo is back in town before finally going over to say hello. I want to see a very well-intended Newt break Crowley's cell phone while trying to help him find directions. I want Dog running and yipping around their feet while Adam offers to share his ice cream, and Pepper asks a bunch of incisive questions about where Crowley's from, and Brian drips chocolate all over himself, and Wensleydale yammers on about the Them's latest project.

I want the Tadfield crowd to visit Soho for the coffee shop that Mr. Crowley mentioned, or perhaps for the Soho crowd to visit Tadfield for the amazing weather Crowley insists is always there.

"Humans: you don't let yourself get too attached." I want him to finally figure out how to love a little community, even knowing that the members of it will pass away and change over time.

I spend all my time analyzing Aziraphale because I love him so much but find his motivations hard to understand - writing meta after meta is my way of processing my thoughts. But I love Crowley, too. He has taken a little bit less emotional processing for me. But I want so much to see him genuinely rested and content. It would be like seeing part of myself be rested and content.

[theblackfemininesociety]

💋 Leveling Up Lessons:

🎥: @tiyechambers via. TikTok

Truth: You are allowed to outgrow people.

Hey Besties,

We talked about the inner & outer work that happens when you choose to heal and become the best version of yourself ( femininity + level up journey ) but we haven’t touched on what happens when you out grow people in your life.

When you choose to elevate, you will mostly leave people behind who don’t want to do the same or aren’t on the same frequency that you are now on. This can be bittersweet, especially when you thought the same people who were with you at the beginning will be there with you in the end.

Today we want to discuss how it’s okay to outgrow, separate and even cut ties with people who aren’t living the life you are aspiring to live. We will also breakdown how to differentiate when to loving someone from afar and when to let go for the sake of your own happiness, peace and even safety.

✨🌱 Recognizing Growth and Change

Growth is part of life, and as we evolve, our priorities and goals shift. This can lead to a disconnect with people in our lives who don’t share our vision or support our journey. It’s essential to feel empowered to seek out relationships that truly uplift us.

For sisterhood join our Groupchat: HERE

Loving from Afar vs. Letting Go 🥀

Figuring out when to love someone from a distance or when to cut ties entirely can be tough.

Here are some things to keep in mind:

1. Support vs. Negativity: Think about whether the person lifts you up or drags you down. Supportive people help us grow, while toxic relationships can hold us back.

2. Emotional Drain: Notice how you feel after spending time with someone, whether it’s in person or over the phone. If you constantly feel exhausted or unsupported, it might be time to reconsider that connection.

3. Your Safety Matters: Your emotional and physical safety should always come first. If a relationship feels harmful, prioritize your peace by stepping away. Sometimes this could even be when you see people start to be shady or judgmental about how you move now. Slowly pull back from this relationship, share less and guard your heart more. We don’t mean be rude and aggressive. Move with grace, you once adore this relationship so just accept it and deal with the accordingly.

The Art of Letting Go ⛓️‍💥

Letting go doesn’t mean you have to be bitter or resentful. It can be a graceful step back that acknowledges the good times you shared but recognizes it’s time to move on.

Here’s how to do it:

Speak Your Truth: If it feels right, share how you feel with the person. This might not be possible in every situation, but when it is, it can help both of you find closure. There doesn’t have to be bad blood, it’s just life pulling you on different paths.

Set Boundaries: If you want to keep some level of connection, make sure to set boundaries that protect your happiness and peace.

Be Kind to Yourself: Allow yourself to feel whatever emotions come up when you let go. It’s a process, and it’s okay to take your time.

[theshiftingwitch]

Shadow work for beginners:

The easy way to dive in.

In my previous two posts, I explained what shadow work is and how you can use it to manifest your desires.

Now, I'm going to tell you how to use to as a complete beginner.

The first thing you must understand is that shadow work is not just journaling or talking about your issues. It is deeper than that.

Shadow work is patter recognition.

You're going about your day, and you see or hear something that sends you into a spiral on negative emotions, a bottomless pit of despair if you will.

You want to pull up your journal or your diary and rant all about that thing that happened. Cool. Do that. But don't stop there.

In order to stop repeating the cycle, to break the loop, if you will, you must find out what about that event that triggered you in the first place.

Because yes, you were triggered by it.

Was it a word? A tone? A memory? An action?

What made you have such a strong reaction?

Once you figure that out, look back to other times in which the same trigger happened, to when you had the same reaction.

One memory? Good.

Two memories? Great.

Three memories? Even better.

Four memories? I'm so sorry. You don't have to pull it all up, just identify the trigger.

Now you have a bank of information relating to similar events in your past.

That is pattern recognition.

Okay, now I know all of this. What the hell am I going to do with it?

Now is the hard part, because you see, I told you shadow work isn't just about journaling and ranting. But don't worry, you got this.

Once you identify your trigger, and you know the negative consequences it has on your mental health and emotional wellbeing, you nip it in the bud.

You have to set firm boundaries.

Whether with yourself or with other people, your goal is to minimise the chances of being in a situation that would light up that trigger again.

Someone said something you didn't like, an ongoing joke at your expense? You make it clear that you will not tolerate that anymore and that if they insist on doing it again you will be cutting them out.

The trick here, is to go through with the threat if your boundaries are crossed.

Someone took advantage of your time or energy and you felt used or disrespected? Make it clear you will not be used for free labor again, and go through with whatever ultimatum you give.

You have to keep your promises to yourself and other people.

You also have to remove yourself from any and all toxic environments.

Have you ever heard the saying "you can't heal in the same environment that made you sick in the first place"?

Yeah, you have to prioritise your wellbeing, and if that meant leaving behind a toxic environment, then so be it.

I recognise this might not be easy from the get go, but it is something to consider. With strong boundaries and the ability to prioritise yourself, leaving, in time, will be easy.

So, let's recap:

Shadow work for beginners is the recognition of patterns that trigger you. Find out what or who is causing you emotional trauma, identify the trigger, set strong boundaries, and if all fails, leave.

I hope this was helpful, and if you need something more substantial to star with, I have a shadow work book for beginners with easy prompts to get you started.

[unadulterated-syd]

Carl Grimes x Male! Reader

Warnings — Mentions of scars + Ron in his angsty era (hes forgivable as always)

Req — anyways, i have a request for a carl grimes x male reader, where the reader has facial scars (two on either side of his mouth) from an incident before the apocalypse hit and hes really insecure about them and maybe in alexandria they could finally relax and the reader started noticing people staring at his face and asking about his scars more and he got insecure again then begins to accidentally distance himself from carl not realizing until carl finds him in his room and asks why and it takes a while but carl gets the reader to spit it out then carl just comforts the reader and cuddles him and all that fluffy bs

I went a little off track with this one + this is like season 5 or 6 Carl so he acts a bit sillier / more nervous

The apocalypse had seemed to not be the worst experience of your life— the lives taken leaving scars on your heart, but not on your skin.

You only had to share the stories of your heart with one person. And he always understood your boundaries, that it was far too hard for you to come out and say things.

However, you always told him eventually, because he knew you well enough to know you needed to tell someone.

You and he had been elated at the discovery of Alexandria, it was a beautiful place, and the people were shockingly lovely. For the most part, that is.

On your first day there, you held Judith while the two of you sat in for an interview— Deanna would have preferred that the two od you went in seperately but you refused.

You could never be too careful, but she did remind you of your pre-apocalyptic grandma. She got extra points for that.

Carl lightly answered her questions as you looked out the houses front windows, exploring the small sea of people— small for a town, huge for the world as it was now.

"And you, Y/n? Inspirations?", she broke you from your thoughts, eyes sealed on your face.

It felt like her eyes bored into the scars that lay there, scars that had nothing to do with an apocalypse. Ones that rested in a life you wished dearly to move from.

You pressed on anyway, you couldn't scare her away on day one. Pressing your tongue to the roof of your mouth, you made a soft click before responding.

"Nope, no not really.", you paused, "I'll do anything you need, I'm a good shot."

"Shot?", it was her turn to pause, as if she couldn't fathom you and carl handling guns, "No, that's not necessary. We've got better jobs for boys your age."

You didn't respond, looking back out the window.

—

The jobs as promised never really came— not for Carl anyways. They sent him to school with the other kids, wanting you to do the same, but you refused.

Reluctantly, Deanna sent you to watch over the younger kids— mostly concluding of Judith and Sam, whilst the other kids took classes and the adults did their jobs.

Ron and Carl got close quick, followed by Carl and Enid becoming friends as well. It felt a bit lonelier, but you were glad he was healing.

And it all felt fine until Ron came to grab Sam. He was upset, god knows why, but he tried to hold it together— be nice to the new guy, especially infront of his brother.

"Sam, c'mon.", he grumbled, leaning his weight against the right side of the doorframe, obviously in a hurry.

You looked up, sat on the floor in front of Sam, setting up a railroad track for his train engine. Sam looked over his shoulder, blinking at his older brother.

"But, Y/n and I are busy— he's helping me build this for Choo." Ron's eyes rolled, but he figured he ought to treat you kindly.

"Well hurry it up," his eyes flickered to you, letting out a breath of excess air, "Please."

"Sam we can finish tomorrow." You whispered, sensing the anger from the older boy— standing up you offered the younger boy a hand.

He didn't take it, clicking another piece together, in turn ignoring you all together. You looked at Ron, offering him an apologetic half-smile.

"Sorry."

Ron groaned, taking a couple steps further into the room, "C'mon, Sam, do this tomorrow— mom wants you home, and I want to go out. Hurry up."

Sam frowned deeper, pushing himself up, and grabbing his coat. On the way over to Ron, he turned to wave and wish his goodbyes.

All was fine but awkward until you heard their conversation on the way out— one you assumed you weren't supposed to hear.

"What's with Scarface, you need to listen dude—"

He hadn't even said it to hurt you, merely just to jab at his sensitive younger brother. But it hurt more than it should have, a lot more.

Everyone has scars. You told yourself, but that didn't fix it. That didn't fix the attachments to a time before, the memories you couldn't run away from due to the scars.

Not that Scarface as a term itself made you feel good.

—

It didn't take Carl long to notice the absence, the days where you'd walk him and Judith home now ended with Michonne bringing her home after patrolling.

Times where you'd sort through your clothes together, creating a full load for the washer rather than his now barely filled loads— ones he'd forced Judith's excess clothes into.

You'd both had such an insync schedule that he hadn't even stopped to recognize, one that felt wrong without you there.

But the worst part was the nights, nights were you'd sit on his floor together, peacefully enjoying the feeling of comfort— the feeling of being anything but alone.

He was too scared to ask, maybe you needed space— maybe everything he'd built with you had been too much or too fast for you, you two were kids.

Maybe he had gotten to close with you, maybe you hadn't even felt the same things he did. It wasn't like you'd discussed your relationship, it just felt right as it was. To him.

All he wanted was to make the right move.

By that point it'd weighed to heavy on him, dropping Judith off in the mornings with no Hello, no Good Morning. It felt like a rip in his heart, one he could heal if he was attentive.

He told Michonne that he'd get Judith today, and he walked with Ron so he would be the last in there— Sam being the last kid to be picked up if anyone besides Judith showed up.

"Y/n." He greeted, nervousness hidden well, taking fast steps into the nearly vacant room. You looked up, Judith cuddled in your arms.

"Carl?"

"Y/n." He called again, now stood in front of you. You gave him a confused look, why was he fumbling so hard to say anything other than your name?

"Sorry, sorry. Uhm."

"Carl spit it out." You encouraged, eyes studying his face as you did so. "What do you need?"

"What's wrong? Why are you being distant, if I did something tell me."

"What?"

"I mean it, Y/n. Did I scare you off? Was.. was something too much? Just tell me. Please."

"What are you talking about?"

His face fell, defeated completely. He felt invalidated, but you were confused. You hadn't even recognized the distance you'd created, the nervousness and heartbreak you were pushing on him.

"Have I not been around?" You asked, setting Judith in the crib you'd grabbed her from. Your look was geniune— he could tell you hadn't even known.

"Yes. Yeah, yeah, really distant."

"I'm sorry." You offered, looking down, "I.. I uhm. I haven't felt too well, seems silly now—"

"It's not silly, whatever it is."

"I told you I didn't like my life before this.. it's just— Ron said something and it scared me. He said something about some scars I have and it.."

But, he didn't make you finish. Why would he? A mixture of understanding and relief reluctantly washed over him.

"Dude.." He wrapped his arms around you, maybe too tight, not that you'd tell him that. "You can talk to me, tell me things... Ron says stupid things he—"

"I won't take it to heart, Carl." You hummed, settling your head into the collar of his flannel. "I didn't mean to be distant, it really just happens sometimes.."

He smiled, letting out a little laugh. "I feel a little stupid— I mean I.. well I have some questions now."

"Yeah?" You offered, pulling back enough to be in the embrace and see his face. He looked brilliant when he smiled— it didnt happen often but when it did everything bad seemed to disappear.

"Are you.. we, are we.." He thought about it, clicking his tongue and finally looking at you again, "Are you my boyfriend?"

You blinked at him for a moment— suprised he didn't shrink into himself when you took a moment to think. "Are you my boyfriend?'

"I want to be." He muttered, straightening himself out, "I really want to be."

"Yes, Grimes. You can be my boyfriend." You paused, grinning, "Don't get too cocky, I know I'm awesome and all."

"Oh, I will."

—

tags -> @loser-fics , @hea-vin , @ariianelle

[guardian5tiger3]

A short reading about health, wellness, and anything else that spirit wants me to say

🕉️

Pick a group

1. 2. 3.

Group one

So you guys it must be some level of isolation. Maybe you're even just going for walks by yourself. You're by yourself in some way doing something alone ok. OR this is what you need to do. Rest , recover, heal, chillax . It seems like if you have been doing this , or spirit wants you to because this is you manifesting. It either helps you manifest by a great amount, it's a natural part of you doing so, or something like that ok. Seems like you're kind of manifesting yourself to be more put together , on top of the game in a way. For a lot of you this is financial or just richness in general which in a spiritual sense that could just mean abundance and that goes into many things like beauty and hygiene, having many things, having wealth, being attractive to great rich things. And by rich here I mean rich like chocolate cake. I think of maybe gold or peacock feathers right. For a lot of you all this is talking about health and wellness actually. Lastly , and this seems important to let soak in because it may be something you've heard before but..

Trust the process ,

With whatever you're going through ok.

Peace . One love.

Group two

You guys are not relaxing enough and it could possibly be due to having too much going on around you or too many responsibilities. This is calling you all to set better boundaries with certain people. It's something about you can love people but that doesn't always mean you have to give them your all. Im not sure that's right but I can't fully tell what exactly spirit wants me to say. You guys also might want to fix your sleep somehow. Maybe you're sleeping perfect but you aren't comfortable enough when you do.

Group three

You guys make sure you are taking care of and not neglecting those around you. This could also be a pet or a plant even by the way. Or even for some of you chores. If not then yes it's about yourself and then if so I'm feeling really like the depths of your souls for that group of you in this group of you guys haha. Of course make sure your own cup is full before you fill others just fyi but a lot of you seem to be on point when it comes to that more or less. Especially if you have a dog even their emotional needs make sure those are all being met cause I'm picking up on someone's dog. Dogs have emotions too ok. For some of you rather than focusing on more products for beauty especially I would actually more so look at environmental factors. That could be anything maybe a water filter or better air. You guys will figure it out that's what spirit told me. So I hope this helps . One love 💗

[robiin-draws]

Welcome to the HCDA - Chapter 17

Tws: Mentions of death

Notes: Now they get to have a good time (kinda)

Chapter 17 - Chatting

Scar

And then Grian is falling.

The Watchers used some sort of draining spell, and Jimmy had broken free of Tango’s hold to save him. 

Now Grian is falling, and neither of his winged siblings can reach him.

Pearl somehow manages to break free and dives toward him, but it quickly becomes clear she isn’t going to reach him in time.

I reach for my dragon scale, and then realize, Grian has it. He took everyone’s because he didn’t want us helping.

Could I catch him?

There’s no time to think about it, either I do or I don’t. I dart forward, into the empty street they’re fighting above, and position myself where Grian is falling.

“Scar, what are you doing?” Joel calls. Mumbo seems to realize what I’m trying to do, and joins me. Two people is better than one.

And suddenly, the avian has fallen into my arms. I stagger backwards, feeling the strain on my braces as Mumbo steadies me.

“I can’t believe that worked,” I say quietly to Mumbo, meeting his dark amber eyes. My newly healed shoulder is aching again, and so are my legs, but I don’t mind.

Pearl lands on the ground next to me, and I notice one shoulder is bloody. I ask her about it and she shrugs it off. Jimmy is still up in the sky, wings beating as he talks to the Watchers.

He comes down a moment later, and is immediately met with a tackle hug from Tango. Afterwards, he explains the deal he made with the Watchers: we’ll leave each other alone for one week, and then the boundaries go down. That will hopefully be enough time for everyone to recover. He’s very shaky throughout the whole explanation, but it’s not hard to see Tango’s presence calms him down a bit.

I take my dragon scale back from Grian’s pocket and set him down.

“How are we going to get him home?” I ask Mumbo. The rest of the hermits have begun to leave already,

“Carry him, I guess.” He replies. At that moment, Grian stirs.

“You are not going to carry me,” He says groggily, sitting up. “I am going to fly myself home, and you can’t stop me.”

He tries to take off, and immediately falls again. This time, Pearl has to catch him.

“Nope, we’re definitely carrying you.” I laugh. 

. . .

Mumbo ends up being the one to carry him, despite Grian’s numerous protests. We let him walk once we’re back at the headquarters, but I follow him up to his room. I hope I’m being sneaky and that he hasn’t noticed me, but that’s unlikely.

“Scar, I know you’re there,” Grian says when he sits down on his bed. “Come in here.”

“You caught me,” I sigh, coming out from the hall.

He laughs. “Get over here,” He says, beckoning me to sit down on the bed with him. I sit down next to him and he sighs.

“You good?” I ask.

“The last two weeks have been quite something,” He replies, taking off his shoes. He takes off his sweater too, revealing the white undershirt that only a handful of the hermits have ever seen.

“I know,” I agree, also slipping off my boots and braces. “I hope you don’t mind me leaving these here, by the way.” I gesture to the items.

“Not at all,” Grian smiles. Then he leans into me. “I missed you and Mumbo so much.” He whispers.

“I did too, and Mumbo definitely did.” Grian leans on my shoulder and begins to recount his time with the Watchers. I figure the best thing to do is listen and nod once and a while.

He tells me everything, describing his meeting with Gem and his Watcher powers. When he gets to the part about the mall, his voice cracks.

“Jen died.” He says, clenching his fists. “Because of me.”

“It sounds to me like she chose to die,” I reply. “You said she insisted on staying inside while it was collapsing. If she didn’t like being with the Watchers, dying might’ve been a good thing.”

“I suppose you’re right,” Grain sighs, letting his wings relax and leaning back into me. His hands open up too, and I see scabs on his palms, has he clenched his fists so hard during the past couple weeks his fingernails broke skin? He resumes his explanation. Eventually, he finishes his story with being imprisoned by the Watchers.

“Wow.” I say, shocked by how much he had to tell. “That’s a lot.”

“I know,” He sighs. Then he perks up suddenly, fixing me with his deep brown eyes. “It’s late, Scar. Are you sure you aren’t tired?”

“I’m sure,” I lie. I am actually a bit tired, but I like this, staying up with Grian. 

“If you insist,” He shrugs, but I can tell he doesn’t believe me.

We continue to chat, I tell him about what happened from my end. By the time I’m done, I feel really sleepy, like I could just fall asleep right… here…