#letters to bear

[toalloftheboysivelovedbefore]

November 02, 2023

Dear R.A.R.,

I miss you so goddamn much. I miss you to the point that it makes me anxious. I want so badly to see you. My life feels incomplete without you in it. I want to tell you everything. I want you to be a part of all of it. I cannot, hard as I might try, move on. You are a part of me, forever, in a way that no thing nor person ever has been or ever will be. My chest physically hurts, thinking about it. I worry about you too, often. I check the census of all of the ERs just to make sure I don't see your name. One time there was a R. and my stomach fell out of my ass.

[morningsaidthemoon]

Excerpt from The Song of Roland, translated by Norma Lorre Goodrich (Medieval Myths)

[webdiggerxxx]

꧁★꧂

[drrav3nb]

MARCUS & LUCA | THE BEAR SEASON TWO

[cantsayidont]

In an undated letter written in the late 1950s, reproduced in THE LETTERS OF JRR TOLKIEN, Tolkien alludes to the legal difficulties Sam faced after returning from the Grey Havens at the end of LORD OF THE RINGS:

When Master Samwise reported the ‘departure over Sea’ of Bilbo (and Frodo) in 1421, it was still held impossible to presume death; and when Master Samwise became Mayor in 1427, a rule was made that: ‘if any inhabitant of the Shire shall pass over Sea in the presence of a reliable witness, with the expressed intention not to return, or in circumstances plainly implying such an intention, he or she shall be deemed to have relinquished all titles rights or properties previously held or occupied, and the heir or heirs thereof shall forthwith enter into possession of these titles, rights, or properties, as is directed by established custom, or by the will and disposition of the departed, as the case may require.’

You can see how the residents of Hobbiton might have seen Sam's return as the premise of a kind of Agatha Christie mystery plot: favorite servant of eccentric middle-aged local resident departs on an unexpected journey with his master; returns home alone two weeks later; and then conveniently produces a copy of said eccentric local resident's new will, naming the servant the heir to all his property — and the only account the servant can offer of his master's whereabouts is a preposterous story about Elves. Suspicious! Very suspicious indeed!

[balancethescales]

thinking about the specific moments where the berzatto family falls in love with sydney (because of course they do, everyone does).

for richie, it takes the end of the beef and right up till the opening of the bear to happen. he is full of contempt and grief when he meets her and all he knows is that when he looks at her face he is afraid. he doesn’t like that feeling. richie is not a man who finds himself fearful a lot, but she is everything he is not and nothing that he is and he hates himself for it. if she is what it means to be passionate, then what is he? is he nothing but an empty shell of mikey, stuck on earth to shake his fist at passing clouds, because how dare they move and continue on like mikey was nothing to them, as if he wasn’t the very point that the earth revolved around? everyone is leaving him behind, and she is proudly leading the pack. it’s not right. but then— he gets it. he talks to garrett and jess and chef terry and he sees sydney in every corner of that restaurant. the fear slowly is replaced with respect as the week goes on and he realizes that just because she’s good doesn’t mean she’s out to get him. that’s the berzatto upbringing in him doing the talking, but it doesn’t have to, because shes a berzatto now, maybe not officially (not yet, but mark his words, she will be) but she is, and that’s not how she does things. so, he lets her lead them into the future to something good and different and better.

for sugar, it’s instant. she was born to a mother who is triggered by her very existence, and it has hurt her all her life. she is full of love and the one person she wants to give it to the most doesn’t want any part of it. she was born to give but is surrounded by those who are afraid to even take it, to reach out their hand and meet her in the middle. and if they cant take then they themselves have nothing to give, so she gets used to being the one who has to force feed her love down their throats, because if no one does, if no one shows them that they are worthy of good things, then they will crumble (“if i just talked to him more—” “no, nat—” “if i had just—” “it’s not your fault, honey. it’s never been.”). but when she meets sydney, it’s like looking into a mirror. she sees her bright eyes and soft smiles and careful but strong hands and instantly recognizes her for what she is: a giver. and sugars heart swells with even more love than she thought possible, because finally, she’s not alone— there is someone else there to slowly, albeit subconsciously, take care of her crumbling family, to show them that despite what their mother may have taught them, its okay to not be okay (she tries her best not to cry when syd asks her if shes okay, but she does. and syd doesnt grab her face or yell at her or call her stupid. she makes her a meal. and sugar cries some more).

for cicero, the love isn’t instant, and it’s not even entirely love. she is strong and she is assertive, but that also makes her naive and a very expensive risk. she makes him curious for what’s to come, intrigued by the way she doesn’t back down from carmy whose voice so often mimics the berzattos that came before him (“you’re better than this, kid.” “i don’t know what i am.” “whatever it is, it’s not this.”). she's self assured and knows her place in the establishment and is unafraid to let people know it. it’s a refreshing change of pace from mikey, who often resorted to intimidation to get his way, or carmy, who’s anxiety envelopes him and distracts him from what’s right there in front of him. but she is not them. she is focused and on track and is willing to put in the work to get what she wants. he doesn’t visit the bear often, only drops by once in a while to deliver bad news or to fulfill a favour or to just enjoy some good food, but when he does, she is always there, dedicated to ensuring that carmy and michaels, and now, her dream stays alive. she is good for his family, and he trusts her to keep the berzatto spirit alive.

for michelle, it’s quite simple. she always looked out for carmy, their little bear, so when she meets her it’s a family thanksgiving party at the bear and syd stumbles out of the kitchen, obviously frazzled and a little sweaty (“carmy, im not ready, i didn’t even change yet and the turk—” “don’t worry, tina will take care of it, you look great, they’ll love you, they just really wanted to meet you—”), but she’s smiling. she’s a little awkward when she introduces herself, and michelle finds herself endeared by her nervous ramble (“it’s, uh, really nice to meet you guys. sorry, i didn’t know that i was going to be pulled out of the kitchen so soon. uh, im sydney. yeah, i guess carmy already told you guys, huh? um. im sorry, how are you related to the family again? i mean, i dont want to offend but it’s just. uh. well, you guys are just very... normal?”) and she’ll laugh and look at stanley and the two of them will think to themselves, good job carmy, she’s a good one, before telling syd something dumb and nonsensical about a genetic mutation and richie interrupts to tell michelle it’s not a genetic mutation it’s called being boring and syd will laugh and michelle will too, truly happy that their little bear found someone normal, a breath of fresh air within the smoke of their family.

for donna, it’s weird. it’s tense. they don’t meet for a long time. they don’t meet at the bear when it first opens and not at the bear even when it has found it’s footing, but by chance. they are somewhere mundane (a grocery store, a park, or maybe just the street) and there is no other family member around when syd meets the berzatto matriarch. she only knows what donna looks like from photos at sugars house because carmys apartment is devoid of any actual sentiment (although that has begun to change since she made him get an actual dresser and he dedicated one of the drawers to her stuff). she calls out to her by her name, and donna turns around startled. she doesn’t recognize syd, of course, who introduces herself and informs her of who she is to the family. when donna smiles it’s not a real one, and syd knows this, but it doesn’t deter her. she tells donna that her kids love her (“even after everything, nat?” “she’s our mother. its all that we can do.”) and that her kids are great (“carmy, you are not broken.” “im a little broken.” “no, listen to me, the fact that you are still here, means something. its something.”) and that there will always be a table for her at the bear (“chef, someones calling in for a reso for 1 but we’re all full up… except for—“ “yo, dont finish that sentence. table 7 for ms. berzatto is an indefinite booking. is that understood?” “yes, chef”). donnas smile fades and her chest fills with anger but just as she’s about to explode in typical berzatto fashion syd interrupts her. she has faced the bear many a time before and has handled herself with grace and dignity everytime, so this is no different. she smiles brightly and thanks donna for listening to her and hopes she considers coming in, because she’d really like to cook for her. she looks like she needs a good meal. she deserves one. she turns and walks away. donnas stomach growls. that night, table 7 is occupied for the first time since the bear opened its doors.

and carmy? well, there isn’t an exact moment. its a culmination of awkward partnership (“i don’t want to be shitty.” “okay, then dont be.”) and flawless teamwork (“the menu needs—” “already on it, chef.”) and nights unwinding at the bar down the street (“of course you drink an old fashioned.” “what’s that supposed to mean?” “nothing, it’s just very… tortured-chef-from-the-slums-of-chicago of you”) and spontaneous phone calls just to hear the others voice (“why are you whispering?” “i… don’t know. my dads home. its a habit.” “you’re 27.” “and you’re white, you wouldn’t get it.”) till they’re just inseparable (“cousin, wheres carmy?” “with syd, duh.” “why'd i even ask?”). and then, sydney and carmen become something else. something tender and sweet and terrifying and beautiful all mixed together into… something. there’s no word for what they have. but it feels so right; to the guests who taste their food and recognize that the hands who put it together are full of love and care; to the staff at the bear who see the unspoken communication, the lingering touches, and their soft eyes that seem to always be on the other; to the berzatto family who notice that carmy looks a little brighter, and shakes a little less. yes, its love, but its so much more. it’s syd and carmy. it always has been, and always will be.

(“can i ask you something? something corny and lame and gross?” “always.” “when did you, like, know?” “know what?” “like, when did you know that you loved me? like, not as a chef or a friend, but as... y'know.” “that’s very middle school of you to ask.” “shut up, i did warn you.” “…” “so?” “its, uh, i don’t, i don’t know.” “well, that’s rude.” “no, i mean, i can’t say its one moment because... it was all of them. together. like, one moment you’re staging and then everything happened and, and, keeps happening but the next thing i knew you were there and you always were there and i just knew that i never wanted you to not be there.” “that’s…. really, really, disgusting, and frankly, a little unprofessional.” “oh, fuck off.” “no, like, i knew you were obsessed with me, but wow, that is a whole new other level.” “fuck you, get off of me, don’t touch me.” “no no no, please—” “i let you into my family—” “let me?” “into my restaurant—” “i think you mean OUR restaurant—” “only for you to humiliate me in my own bed? how dare you.” “…are you sulking?” “…” “…carmy?” “syd?” “me too.” “…heard, chef. now come back here.”)

(and it’s unspoken, but everyone knows that michael would’ve loved her too. i mean, she’s sydney fucking adamu, she conquered the bear. how could anyone not love her?)

[butchcarmy]

I miss season 1 of the bear.

I miss the grunginess, the messiness of the beef, with its busted appliances and claustrophobic chaos, but also so much love. I miss the slowly unraveling mystery of Michael, the tragic ghost haunting the narrative. I miss seeing a rowdy bunch of cooks becoming greater and greater at their craft, growing to respect themselves and others.

I miss season 1 carmy, the incredible premise of a most excellent fine dining chef coming back to work at the struggling family business that rejected him. Season 1 Carmy, riddled with anxiety and grief and anger issues, but also a real desire to be good. To be better, kinder. I miss seeing Carmy’s beautiful monologue for the first time, after spending the whole season trying to piece together what made him like this. Just watching him in awe.

There is nothing quite like season 1 of the bear.

[ryllen]

Look what came through the mail today! The letters & ( •̀ω•́ )σ 3 little gremlins from letterstoear.

Just wanna say i adore the flower stickers on the letters too much, they are that much worth mentioning.

[butterprince]

I crave him

[robynostornwyn]

Roevember 18: Comrades

To say Robyn was initially intimidated by the Scions is a bit of an understatement. Dealing with a group of highly intelligent and well educated scholars was not normally in her wheelhouse, and she often felt a bit embarrassed at her own humble upbringing.

But she quickly found refuge with their approachable receptionist, and a fast friendship was born. The trials they faced in Ishgard and Kugane only strengthened their bond. As much as Robyn has protected Tataru over the years, Tataru has also protected her from those who would try to take advantage of the hero.

And one day, Tataru helped Robyn take on perhaps her greatest challenge yet - learning how to read. (Look, she may have been motivated to do more than have Tataru read her letters to her and secretly pen her responses, especially to a certain miqo'te woman back in Eorzea)

[elennemigo]

Benedict Cumberbatch´s year in review ✧ 2023.

“Don’t be afraid of failure, that’s only learning, don’t be afraid of being yourself, that’s the single most unique thing you have, and keep trying.”

[toalloftheboysivelovedbefore]

Dear R.A.R.,

It’s your daughter’s birthday today. Today will always be her birthday in my brain. I wonder if you are with her. I hope that you are.

I cannot believe that she is as old as she is. I remember when she was born. However, when she was born, I was just under thirteen so that’s pretty fucking fucked up. I remember your daughter being born when I was twelve and you were who I lost my virginity to.

One of the first things that you asked me when we started to go down a path of mutual destruction was if I was ready to be a mother to your daughter. That’s a hell of a lot to put on an eighteen year old. I wasn’t. I never would be. She already has a mother. And, since I feel it needs to be repeated, I was eighteen.

Sometimes I wonder if you realize that she is about the age I was when you first met me. I wonder if the shame of that eats you alive. I’ve relinquished the anger and the hurt and the betrayal that came with the realization of how fucked up our relationship was, even though I was convinced I had found the great love of my life, but I will never understand what was attractive to you about a girl that young.

I really thought that you were the love story that I could write and tell the world. About the obstacles we overcame together. How someday you would tell everyone that I was the only one who understood you and stood by you through the darkest days of your life. Which I did. At the expensive of myself. I thought martyrdom was love. It’s not. It never was. When you found me, I was a lost girl who had thought that she found in you the love of her life, the person who finally understood her, her soulmate. And I did, I loved you with all that I was. I gave you everything I had to give. I sacrificed everything I could sacrifice. I often wonder what it is, exactly, that you thought you found in me. Gratification? Validation? Understanding that your marriage could not offer?

All of the from a seventeen year old. That’s quite a mountain to place before someone who has only just started learning how to climb hills.

This started about your daughter and her birthday. Maybe it still is. Maybe you recognize that you are looking at a girl who reminds you of me. Maybe you will protect her better than you did me. Maybe you will learn from your own shortcomings and teach her how to take care of herself and not let a man that much older than her lead her to believe that he needs anything from a child.

I hope she is okay. I hope you are taking care of her.

Defeatedly,

H.L.F.

[peppermintmochafem]

butches who like to be little spoon

you mean good boys? Butches who get their hips held in place while I casually grind into and tell them ~ I'm not even doing anything ~ when they whine for more. Butches who get head scratches (and maybee their hair pulled). Butches who get occasionally felt up as they cuddle into me. Butches who get held softly like my teddy bear as they fall asleep. Butches who get gentle kisses across their shoulders. Butches who get sweet nothings and reassurances whispered onto their ears before bed. Those Butches <3

[whereifindsanity]

[build-a-stim]

muffins (2015) for @lamiin

X | X | X || X | X | X || X | X | X

[highways-are-liminal-spaces]

September 2023