#let's just say im still kinda new to it
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#detroit become human#connor rk800#rk900#hank anderson#hank then says oh boy come on lets go to lunch and they all go to lunch#i like the idea that sure rk900 can talk but the idea of telling connor he might be malfunctioning#is a very personal thing and he respects NOT broadcasting that news so he just does the mind link#and then is like well that worked out better so no one else can hear me be wrong even though i still think im right#idk man just seeing him in one scene where connor is told oh youll be deactivated#is like wow ive seen so much fanart of this fella and i really like him but he is basically a fandom oc and i dont want to be wrong#also i noticed some artists color his hair darker than connors but some draw him the same hair color#so i kinda mixed it with using the same base but then making the shading and highlights less warm#its probably not even that noticeable to anyone but SHRUGS
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grian live on The Red Tour 2013
#dsmp dni#obviously this was the first thing i thought of when i saw that skin#the swiftie brain rot is insane#hermitcraft#hermitcraft season 6#hermitcraft grian#grian#hermitcraft tango#tangotek#dont know a lot abt tango#but his skin did give kinda punky vibes#like hes working steam punk but mostly punk with hints of steam#like string gummy cookie or something#im still new to hermitcraft#also i feel so crazy postibg more hermitvracft like 12 hours after saying i hated drawing#im just trying not to let the art block get me down too bad#but like i feel obsessed#but at the same time the last hermitcraft post i made is getting likes and reblogs faster than ANYTHING else ive ever posted#not that thats why im making hermitcraft fanart#i just think thats strange#i dont get as excited for hermitcraft/life the way i do for other interests like sp or caster chronicles#its on a different hyperfixation shelf for me#like a situationship hyperfixation#like if all my interests are my hoes than hermitcraft is my side fling#i dont know what i just typed#shitpost
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I know it’s probably just my age and I’m Too Young To Possibly Get It and You Had To Be There but I’ve always kinda rolled my eyes whenever people talk about how joss whedon was some titan of nerd media and everyone loved his work
avengers came out when I was 13 and I thought that was. all right. at the time, everyone on the internet was nostalgic for firefly, so I watched that and found it extremely underwhelming, and wasn’t interested in seeking out more of that writing. but it is inescapable huh
#was gonna post this on my main but i have way more followers there and also what inspired this was#reading gaider’s post about alistair lol#yes we can in fact tell he was inspired by buffy#the part where he’s like ‘yea he’s persona non grata NOW but he used to be the shit’ citation needed lmao#and it’s always made me kinda roll my eyes#he’s fine. i like him as a character. but everywhere i go there’s been whedon worship#and now that he’s fallen out of grace people feel like they need to do penance for it#when i’ve. never understood it in the first place lol#obviously i’m one person and my opinions aren’t universal either but#i feel like everyone who talks about it is like ‘yeah he’s shitty BUT it’s good’#i guess you had to be there#but when i say i don’t like him now it sounds like im lying or just joining the people who are canceling him#hipster moment. i didn’t like him before it was cool#it’s just the writing style. i’ve talked about it a little before on my main#it’s especially insidious still in SFF novels bc once again. they’ve all seen buffy and firefly and#i remember my older sister liked angel but i’m p sure she had a crush on him#when will i finally be at the age where the things i grew up liking are the influence behind the Hot New Thing#i mean i know the issue is that the things i liked as a kid weren’t popular then either lmao#like i’m sorry but one man from 15 years ago cannot be the sole pillar of an entire genre#people need to diversify their influences and/or we need to let other people write stuff#honestly whedon’s style feels like he was going for american terry pratchett but it’s like. a little mean spirited about it#personal.txt
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i schwear to god ur not gonna find someone who enjoys working in the grocery store against their better judgement more than me, i am so fucking autistic about this job and everyone knows how good i am at it all, but nothing kills it like the dumb corporate overlord bs. the work can be grueling, the customers can be horrific, but i have got to serve- even the irritating mystery shopper score can be coped with- but when you start picking on me about the stupidest dress code shit that’s when you lose me. like now a new manager is saying they may force us all to wear those chunky nonslip shoes within the year. i have a pair but man they hurt my fucking feet. i cant do that shit every day thats why i wear converse. i said these are nonslip man they used to play basketball in these. he said “lets spill oil on the floor and see how you do” ok girl yes! try me!
#also every time i buy a new pair of pants LITERALLY TRYING TO BE IN DRESS CODE its some kinda problem like leave me alone!!!!!!#literally every problem i have with various dress code shit comes down to autistic sensory issues#OR my connective tissue problems causing pain#like please! i’m not just being difficult! god!#also like i hate this corporate bs when its like#omg yes be yourself!!!!! unless you want to express it in any way in which case shut up!!!#i will say they do still let me do a lot but i have got the distinct impression theyre inventing new dress code rules all the time just to#deal with me personally LMFAO#yall can take my makeup and my jewelry alongside my resignation letter if it comes to that#…..ok probably not bc im a coward and the job market is terrible rn#but! i’ll find new ways to torture u! mark my fucking words!
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Hi! I hope you’re doing good in life.
What do you think of a phantom hourglass remake? Tbh I don’t know how they could remake it without basically remaking it from the ground-up. It would probably play more like windwaker, which I see as a both a good and bad thing. On the one hand, if it was more like windwaker a lot more people would probably play and it would be more popular since I know the touch controls were a turn off for most people for both Spirit Tracks and Phantom hourglass. But on the other hand, remaking it to be more like windwaker would make the game lose some of it’s previous identity. Like, Phantom hourglass was so unique because of the touch controls and the puzzles you can make and solve by having two screens and touch controls. And it was so nifty and handy to be able to write notes on your map. Idk, I still would like it to be remade in general even if it ends up a basically different game, but I wouldn’t change the story or the characters, especially Linebeck. The only other change I would make is the music. Phantom hourglass had rather weak themes, mainly because they re-used the same theme for the islands and the dungeons. The only songs that were really good were the few orginal tracks made for the game, so Linebeck’s theme, Oshus’s theme, both Bellum boss battle themes and the and that music that plays when you first follow the Ghost Ship. But what would you want out of a phantom hourglass remake?
Hey, I’m doing good, and I hope you are too!
I’ve thought a bit about a possible Phantom Hourglass remake, but not too much recently. I don’t really know if I’d want one, since you’d lose a lot of what really makes it special, and you can still play it through other means. I’m personally fond of the graphics and the music- yes, even the dungeon theme has grown on me- so I don’t really want a remake too badly, especially since I fear any additions/changes they might make with story or characters in a remake. The touch controls make it, and playing it on pc recreates that feeling decently well, but I don't think it'll be just the same if you had to control it with joysticks or anything.
Not to mention, there's so much emphasis on having the two screens, too, not just for map stuff, but almost every single boss had a mechanic related to the top screen! I have no fucking clue how you'd replicate that very well on something like the switch without just fucking with the mechanics altogether.
I would kill to hear some of Phantom Hourglasses tracks be orchestrated or otherwise rearranged in a higher quality. I wouldn't want any of the more notable themes altered in any way, no adding or removing of melodies and only very very small changes to the instrumentation, but I think it'd be neat to see what could be done with dungeon themes. I think a while back I had a fleeting desire to write some short tracks for each dungeon, with some ideas like mostly using instruments heard in Bellum's themes for the dungeons while each individual one gets a leading instrument unique to and reflective of the dungeon, while the Ghost Ship maybe gets a song that's a bit of a expanded version of the fog theme, while the Temple of the Ocean King could have slightly different themes the further in you got, starting with instruments more common to Oshus's theme or the great sea theme, while the further in you got the more instruments from Bellum's theme would be heard, plus some harpsichord thrown in for the hell of it.
Leave the original dungeon theme for stuff like the minor pyramids and some larger cave areas, idk. It's grown on me.
I think the only story rearranging I'd want is mayyyyybe unfridging Tetra? You could very easily shuffle some things around with her and just not damsel her for the whole game and honestly it'd still go off perfectly without a hitch. But you'd still have to deal with the World of the Ocean King being a whole other world, so either bring her and her crew in and have them as wandering ship npcs (the better idea) or just leave them out (not a good idea) but either way it's better than what they actually did. I just don't think I'd want it to switch to Tetra being a major reoccurring character tbh, the main character dynamics in PH are good as they are.
I think I like Phantom Hourglass too much as it is to really want a remake at all. I'd rather we get something like an anime adaptation. That's what I think about more. Give me animated Phantom Hourglass with some fun takes on the dungeons and fights and some fun slice of life stuff with the group between the islands what I want is a Phantom Hourglass anime
#asks#zeldanamikaze#salty talks#loz#legend of zelda#phantom hourglass#kinda just boils down to like. i kinda want it to remain untouched with nothing added or removed if that makes sense#different themes for the dungeons would be rlly cool. harpsichord for deeper ocean king temple floors bc its where you meet linebeck#also vague foreshadowing? as an aside how many other loz songs have harpsichord in it im very curious to know#also. i say i dont mind the dungeon theme while also not really minding my tinnitus so also take that in mind maybe. brain go brrrrrr#i think adding tetra in to the main crew of ph would kinda be a bit much and also maybe not add very much. fyi i have not played ww#but i feel like it'd almost be adding another ciela cuz shed support link and be more barbed and bold with a side of less morally upstandin#so i dont really think she'd being much new to the ph crew table and i wouldnt want her there in a remake cuz they might pull the#goddess blood card and i really really like how ph has fuck all to do with hyrule or any of that nonsense#sorry this took so long btw. i dont think much abt a ph remake so i dont have a lot of notes#additions? idk add more rooms to linebecks ship. let us poke around in a few areas. maybe potion storage. give link a room#let us poke around in linebeck's room when possible. put smth fun in there. pull a wilds era and give him a journal for us to check out#what they did with tetra kills me (but not too much since i dont rlly have thoughts on tetra) bc you could just remove her entirely#and the story would still work really well anyways. holy character fridging batman#idfk. give us a silly loz dating game. make linebeck an option. thats what i wanna see
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i pass pretty much all the time but hm. ive heard interesting stuff from drunk ppl i know who dont know im trans
#''haha when my bf was talking about you and i asked to see a picture he showed me one and i was like... is that right? bc i thought that was#a girl in that pic. i mean only bc i didnt expect him to have any girlypop friends haha''#yeah i mean that is an average thing to say and not mean or anything but it hits a bit different when im trans#i mean the person saying that didnt know and if they did they would have never said anything like that#but it's still a bit. hmmm.#also the topic of my looks came up and it's funny how everyone thinks i'm cute#i wish i could b masc hot but im fine with being cute. not everyone can look good the same way#but like it's so common for the only compliment transmascs get being ''cute'' for various reasons but i think in my case it's just my#wavy hair and slight babyface and round features#which yeah ok whatever i'm still young - ive got plenty of time to start looking less like a boy and more like a man#as in even if i was a cis guy id look pretty much like this#though! im only 2 years on t so i cant wait what the future holds for how i'll look :3c#well almost 2 and a hlaf but yknow#also i have a slight. can i say this. ''tranny voice'' which. slay. but i was told i ''sound like a femboy'' which#once again super funny that ppl say that stuff bc they genuinely cant tell im trans#the only reason i pass is bc i get read as [justin mcelroy voice] kinda faggy#oh that guy over there with wide hips and feminine manners and voice and small feet and hands [compared to cis men] with an apparently cute#face who doesnt seem to know anything about stereotypical guy stuff? thats a cis man#and i love that#but also one of these ppl is not cis#if you saw me irl you'd know im insanely easy to clock for trans people#but yeah whatever im just amused by all this it's kind of fun having ppl not know im trans#but also i have a new friend who doesnt know and i think i should let him know at some point if it comes up bc idk man. it feels like im#living a secret life or something. like obviously no one has the right to know im trans but. i can make the choice of wanting someone toknow#but also hes my only guy friend who lives in this city. well technically not the only one i have another friend but we never hang out irl.#anyways i dont want to ruin our broship#i dont think itd get ruined and if it did itd just mean whatever but im still scared#agh idk#leevi talks
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mmm now thinking of brando/marchy brainworms... like it's not romantic, monogamous ✨️love✨️; they both have their own partners. but neither is it nothing to be trusted to catch someone each time they fall. (and it is a bit but it's also so much more than that.) the implicit nod that says I can go out there and lead this men because I know you have my back. and the ways they look after each other over the years and how that changes as they change, you know?
#hockey rpf#brandomarchy#like...kissing someone as a way to say hey. im here. im here and i wont let you go#and idk i just imagine rookie brando who is new to the team and loses them a game bc of a bad turnover#and he is just seething on the flight back so angry at himself#and marchy just plops down next to him and yanks his headphones out and is like#and he has no bs oh dont be sad words#but he is there.#and later when their places switch brando does the same for him#even tjo he is still a rookie and is kinda terrified bc krej said oh no do not go anywhere near march when he is seething like this#mmmm thinking thoughts
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well folks its been a good two months of denial but i am finally ready to admit that the reason everything sucks is because of major depression relapse. if i werent so depressed id make this everyone elses problem by projecting it on to blorbo but alas
#taylor.txt#incapable of making this not a joke but i do have to say it kinda sucks#like obviously ive never been 100% free of my depression probably on account of it developing when i was a Child and then not getting any#treatment or even really any sympathy for until i was in my late teens but. BUT. even my historic mental breakdown 2 years ago didnt really#feel like depression. like yeah i was sad and hopeless but this is very different. sad and lethargic more so. simply too tired to be lost i#despair. which is i guess a good thing because it means its easier for me to fix. its just that right now im kinda stuck in it#i dont know if id say ive experienced major depression since my first year of uni#thats why ive been denying it all this time despite it being pretty…glaringly obvious#anyway. good news is im meeting with the prof of one of the classes im currently failing this week#and now i guess i kind of have an idea of what to tell her because all this time ive been struggling and i havent understood why#the content makes sense. i understand whats going on. but my memory has gotten so bad recently and the energy required to do my assignments#has been way too much. and im past my limit on that at this point unfortunately. like yeah shes probably gonna tell me well that sucks but#theres nothing i can do to save your grade and thats fine but at least i know even if it was a Me Problem that i let myself get depressed#again in the first place being actively depressed is a major barrier that i at least know isnt 100% me being an idiot with a bad attitude#i will struggle to the finish line but i will make it there. even if i fail a class or two in the process#and regardless of if it gets better i will finally go see my therapist again in the new year </3 something obviously led to this so whos to#say it wouldnt happen again if i just let that fester. whatever it is#also writing has been tough for the same reason school has been tough but its still happening and i will do more of it when school is over#i PROMMY
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I being so fucking normal about this fit on him rn I'm beingsofuckingnormal I'm beingsofuckin nor-
#you have no idea how fucking long I've been drooling crying begging and just screaming for them to do a Lost boy kill count#like I just watched the podcast maybe like a week ago and I'm just like rocking back and forth on my bed like they're going to post a video#<--real soon#and oh my God I watched the video of the kill count in there's so many things I wish they talked about on there but I'm grateful to get it#they did talk about the sequels and.....ekkkk... I mean it's only based off of high demand so let's hope to God no one talks about it#or send any emails for them I mean if they talk about the remake that's fine I haven't really seen that one I know Sebastian stan is in it#oh my God I feel like I'm about to be so fucking annoying about the movie again I think I'm going to just start posting random shit about it#also lately I've been more happy to be posting and drawing again than usual#so I might be back on doodling and drawing random shit or actually I've been having more confidence in myself to start posting doodles#why do I bring that up because oh I don't know...wink wonk 🤫🤫🤫🤫🤫🤫🤗🤗 😉😉😉😉😜😜😜#my laptop kind of sucks now so I'm going to buy a new one probably this month or next month so I'll be drawing and posting doodles#I'm also thinking about posting some of my recent sketches I have in my notebook but don't expect any Picasso or Vince Van Gogh for me#I know I'm good but like I'm not that good lol im jking kinda sorta maybe not relaly okay yeaj am BUT!!!#I feel like I'm back on my drawing shit again and if I don't finish your drawing I'll just still post it because why the fuck not I'm young#let's fuck around and have some fun why not huh#man I can't believe I'm actually really rambling here but yeah I'm happy to say that I'm going to be back on my stupid shit ❤️#kill count
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Dude.. my ex boyfriend totally did get me into conspiracy theory shit, even if unintentionally (i think its intentional im sure he believed in that shit. Would not surprise me at all.) At the time i was already pretty isolated from anyone online who mightve countered any of my dumb spiritual or alien related beliefs because of some dumb shit i said online making most of the friends and followers i made online generally avoid me, depending on who it was. I was just a regular pagan and then he showed me this weird video with all this weird conspiracy theory symbolism in it. I looked it up later on and looked up the meaning of the symbolism and came across a whole bunch of stuff posing itself as Secret Information The US Govt Doesnt Want You To Know About, etc. And then i just fell deeper into the conspiracy theory pipeline, traded my paganism for new age beliefs, and goddamn dude. Like we both got suspended from school bc he had a dumb idea to dumb shit there and i spent my time in detention fucking. Trying to read "the emerald tablets" or whatever tf. Its all coming back to me rn.
#anyways im not about to let yall make me feel guilty for falling in this direction anymore bc i was fuckin 14 and didnt know SHIT about us#politics aside from lgbt ppl deserve rights and to live like everyone else and same w all the other minorities (even tho i probably still#had issues i needed to work on around those things. still generally i wouldve considered myself progressive but apolitical)#and i was already at the time rejecting my christian upbringing and trying out satanism and paganism and such and so#i had a very rebellious mindset at the time. i also hated authority so the first antiesrablishment thing i saw i clung to bc it was#*close enough* to how i felt. none of that shit ever outwardly stated (at the time at least) that anything was abt jewish ppl and i was#filling in the parts about 'child sex rings' to be about christians bc thats how i knew them to be like. it just like. seems so obviously#something a christian would try to do. like a creepy priest or something. i imprinted my own meaning onto it#im not saying it was good but i definitely didnt go into it and stick to it for reasons some ppl might wanna believe#i was way more on the spiritual leaning side and the ~secret spiritual meaning~ of the world. like the flower of life or fuckin.#shit like how theres. idk. a fucking disc or something thats supposed to go on top of the great pyramids that super enlightened#people can only navigate like a spaceship or some shit?#idk the mythology of it all really fucking enraptured me. and i still liked the reptilians even tho they were supposed to be evil and#apparently an antisemitic dogwhistle. i thought it was the annunaki or whatever i was supposed to hate. at least.#the opinions were pretty mixed back then. admittedly i didnt really look up other ppls opinions on that stuff other than articles ppl wrote#like no forums or anything really. which is probably a very good thing i avoided those lol. regardless i thought of the reptilians#as being more neutral but generally looking out for themselves kinda like. the way a reptile would ig. but now that ik its a dog whistle#it really took a the magic out of all of that stuff for me :/ im disillusioned to say the least lol.#all that new age shit was appropriation. christianity rebranded. or weird shit people made up about atlantis or whatever sjjsksks#my favorite was the oceanis one where theres a star system where whales and dolphins come from#like that one was my favorite to believe in dhdjjsksksbdhs#imagine being on a star planet diving around in the sea of light u_u anyways it still sounds fun shsjskskwne.#i hope that one is at least more tame. though im sure its still somehow connected to everything else which im p sure it is#dude all of this information is just resurfacing about all of this shit. i could totally write a whole thing about all the conspiracy#theories i learned about. i might if only to make fun of it all sjdjksksks#yall ever heard of FUCKING david willcocks????#his willing cocks???????#his fucking ass#and gaia FUCKING tv#all that dumb shit
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lets talk about how much it sucks when your best friends move to another city
#i mesn she’s been living in madrid for this past two years but still :((((( i miss her#it was her bday yesterday and she said to me that she hates so much to maintain distant relationships 💔#and she felt so disconnected from us …that really hurt :(#the other one moved to sweden which is even worsE and she was the one who was always talking about making plans#then the ones who stayed here they are just so busy with life or making plans with workmates etcetc#and im like…okay but i want to see YOU😭#also lets talk about how shit being an introvert is#idk if im an introvert but im def shy af and i have turned down so many thingssss bc of being afraid of what will happen#or what people would say about this#im so prudent and like im always afraid to face things that dont turn the way i wanted or like new things#and im always saying this to besties#IF I HAD THE GUTS i would have already moved to another country to experience new things#id love to stay in UK for a while#also italy!!!#and meet new people!!! go to parties!!! visit lots of cities!!! summer etc#yet here i am in my bed 🤝 in my city 🤝 and everyday with the same fucking routine#it kinda hurts#this is my anxiety talking cause lots of my kids had a tantrum today and i couldn’t do anything about it#imma take a nap
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I was going back through my old school stuff from like 1st grade and there was this like journal where we had to write like a couple sentences each day to practice writing and stuff and i had this one day where part of what I wrote was "I hate myself today because I had to change my card to yellow" (the cards were like discipline things so you started with green and if you weren't being good you had to stand up and go to the front of the class to change your card) and I don't remember what it was for but I'm sure I was just like maybe talking or something like that.
But like damn. Even just thinking about the times I had to change my cards in those classes makes me want to cry. I remember always being so upset anytime the teachers weren't happy with me and then I think about me now and how I'm always expecting people to think the worst of me or be hiding that they don't like me or always expecting the other shoe to drop even if they've been telling me I'm doing a good job because I'm bad and I need them to just tell me why and what exactly they're holding back
And I've got a review coming up at work soon with my bosses since it's almost my 6 year anniversary of working there and all I can think is oh good now they can stop telling me how great I am and how happy they are to have me there and just tell me everything I'm doing wrong because I know the compliments aren't right and they have to have been holding back what all my issues are.
And I think something in my upbringing may have kind of fucked my head up... just a little bit
#peeerrhaps i should start looking at therapists again to work on some isssssuuuueeesss....#the last one was not that helpful but she was the first person i looked at and tried and she did well enough#just didnt really get deep into anything under the surface#i literally cant take compliments. like idk if its like a youre supposed to be humble so dont let it go to your head thats turned into#dont internalize any praise ever but if anyone ever complains about you then its real and you should internalize it times a thousand#or maybe its just a i kinda hate myself and dont feel like i deserve good things or anything ever#i think some of it is im ashamed about my stupid inability to get to work on time. like if i force it and work myself up#maybe i can be on time like a few days in a row#but the momentum drops so fucking fast and then im back to well im here before we open even if i was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago#but also like i get there before stuff is going on and like its not that late and i havent mentioned the issue because#i feel like if i did theyd say oh well then just get here at the later time youve been arriving close to its fine#but then stupid brain will go okay so this is the new time which means that im going to shift to arriving even later#so i just have to keep relying on the shame and guilt and panic to get me there in the mornings#which is not fun#i just hope the review goes well other than my bad time management#i feel like it will... hopefully. theyve talked about possibly 'promoting me' which would be me doing the same stuff ive been doing#basically but then id just have the title (and pay 🤞) to go along with that#i dont want to get my hopes up but we'll see what happens#im going to like try super hard to get to work on time until the review though and like after but still#come on clarissa do a good job
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I just realized we didn't get Death Game this season either. i see .. Well that's okay *deflates like a balloon*
#kyuushi#I'M SAYING THIS IN A JOKING TONE BTW im literally So grateful for all that we did get during this season#I MEAN WE GOT PLENTY CHARACTER INTRODUCTIONS SO I RLY CAN'T VOICE ANY COMPLAINTS ON THAT DEPARTMENT LMAO#But like....</33333 My DEAREST LITTLE GUY.. MY DARLING BABY ANGEL !!!! (<- spoken abt a literal game console)#me w/ a completely altered reality perception: Ok if they animate the shitty game chapter+establish Drаluc's collaboration w/ Autumn Books#then Naturally what should come next is DG's introduction right??? :△ (<- Misplaced Confidence)#ngl i was pretty much convinced we'd be seeing him animated this time ‚ i feel like a real fool now HSJQJFJ That's on me tho ofc#'nyways .. weepweep sobsob I can't believe S2's over already!! those past months sure flew by! ( ; ω ; )#I can already feel a TVDINT-shaped hole forming in my TVDINT-shaped heart all over again . just like when S1 ended 🤧#i'm holding out for a 3rd Season confirmation already tho!! Let us hope that we get some news abt it in the future🤞🏼#Then again i should probably catch up w/ the one that just ended first before that time comes 🧍 HKJAWHSJF#i wanna marathon the hell out of it so bad . . . Hopefully i'll have some time to do it soon !#wondertext#Nostalgia aside tho; everyone involved did an absolutely Remarkable job throughout this season once again‚ im still marvelling over it#I srsly cannot be thankful enough for all the arduous work they put into bringing us this new season :'3 I cherish it greatly#i kinda went off on a tangent there oops. Anyways i hope my boy DG makes it into S3 in the future‚ hashtag DEATHGAMESWEEP‼️‼️#tvdint spoilers#kyuushi spoilers
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Got put on a PIP today for shit no one ever mentioned to me before that isn't new plus some some stuff that it is only halfway accurate
#so ya girl looking for a new job#i was gonna stay here for a bit but I'm not dumb i know what a pip means#i read ask a manager#and ok I had a very personal falling out with my boss - who was also kinda my bestie - a few months ago#but this doesnt even seem personal it seems extremely and deeply impersonal#like you couldn't even tell me this shit that had been happening for months was a problem you just go from 0 to 60#and schedule this like its prepping me for your upcoming PTO but then three minutes into the meeting the CEO busts into the conference room#so also like why you being so weirdly sneaky about this man#on second thought this might be a little personal#but let the record show he's the one who fucked up first and pulled some real bitch ass shit#did i act up outside of work about it ya a bit not my proudest moment#i accept i kinda fucked up there only bc in addition to being a bestie who just fucked me over he is also actually my boss#AND HR!!!!#(my other work bestie has been saying 'told you hr is not your friend' since)#and im like ya i know i always knew i told you i knew the stakes!!#anyway don't text hr 'WHAT THE FUCK' on facebook even if they send you the worst shit before immediately logging off for the day#even if you know theyre the shittier person there you are still the one who looks worse on corporate paper#thankfully he did not actually ever write me up for that specifically it has just colored things since#including my treatment of him HE DOES NOT EXIST HE IS DEAD TO ME#my last supervisor was so horrible to me i went on medical leave bc of how bad she was triggering my PSTD#and i talked to her more in any given day than ive talked to you this month buddy#i hope you remember how many 'i really value our friendship' messages you sent me#which i never responded to with anything other than fumbling inability to accept love or sincerity#and i hope you feel bad!#i hope you spend a lot of time thinking how you fucked that up!!#i hope you always feel a little pang of 'ah fuck' any time you remember me for the rest of YOUR LIFE#bc literally all i asked was for you to believe im trying my best#its barely even factual and i wasnt asking you to disagree with anyones opinions that i wasnt doing enough#but just to acknowledge how hard i was TRYING#(WHILE I HAD COVID AND SPORADIC FEVERS FOR AN ENTIRE FUCKING WEEK FUCK YOU)
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sometimes i feel jealous of cisgender people but then. i dont it’s whatever man. no wait i am. i am very jealous of cisgender people in a fucked up way. what
#i feel like jealous of them because they get to live their life at least feeling right about one thing#they can be perfectly content with their bits and their birth self. and i am so jealous that i probably wont feel that way ever#im like weirdly so envious of people who have such a usually uncomplicated and easy view of gender#this is a totally different thing but im so jealous of people who have almost over involved and cool parents#i’ll see people who like. their parents have an instagram account..and they’ll like…tag each other#and put stupid mother-daughter stuff on their story or idk. be so chill and aware of their kid’s lives#my mom is definitely involved in my life and she does love me but she just like. idk.#there’s probably a lot that goes on those behind closed doors but they’re so like supportive of their Out kids and they like post about it#so something must be going right.#i wish i could just be out to my mom and proudly say hey im your lesbian son now but i can’t because ill be killing her beloved daughter#all i am to her is her Daughter who’s like a best friend to her. and i would feel really bad if i ever kill that idea#in my mind knowing im trans i already know that that girl is dead but its like i haven’t broken the news to the family#they’re so blissfully unaware their daughter is dead and that their son killed her#i dont want to live with that guilt so i’ll have to dispose of the evidence of her body and run far away as a new man#yea theyd accept me if i came out as a lesbian. its like having a daughter but not having to worry about grandchildren#but not if i was physically something else. they wouldn’t kick me out they wouldn’t be outwardly mad.#but they’d always be disappointed that shes gone. they’d always grieve her. they’d always insist she was still here#so thats why like. i can’t. im gonna have to turn eighteen move far away transition to the man i am and never return#let them believe their beloved daughter is missing rather than dead#and these kids. this one specific person actually. can just. be out and be happy and have their parents accept and love them unconditionall#or some never have to come out because they were born right and their parents will love them still and they don’t have to be as#as in danger about their rights right now because of the government#or feeling so Wrong their entire lives or even when they figure out what’s wrong that they cant fix it yet#or having to choose between being repressed and miserable about their real self forever or running away or having to live with eternal guil#while being themself and trying to be happy#they get to feel right about their identity and can comfortably fit in with groups#some cis people anyways#for others theres a lot of other external factors not about gender that makes some people so. kinda like this#like im completely sure there’s plenty people of color who feel this frustration with white people or disabled people about abled people#the frustration that people who were like born or raised or live certain way that they get to have all of these things
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theres a lot abt post-ph ive never really mentioned. grants theres also a lot i havent figured out
#i only have a handful of arcs and scenes properly figured out i need to get my shit together with this. im def deleting this later#anyways. i dont think ive mentioned anything abt linebeck being more or less immortal#in the sense that like. he cant be killed through combat means. its some weird healing magic shit#specifically started with the intent that it lets me tear him apart repeatedly but its fine bc he heals anyways#with the limits of like. poison and sickness and certain things CAN kill him. but he can like. get disemboweled and its fine#im gonna delete this later im jsut thinking sbt it#i remember while talking to it with a friend he asked ok so how does it work if he gets torn evenly in half#cuz my logic is like. say he gets an arm cut off. the lost arm decays like normal and a new one kinda just slowly grows in bones first#so his question is one ive been thinking sbt since i need to come up with a good answer#anyways linebeck is fucked post ph hes got insane healing shit due to uhhhh reasons (i know the reasons) but hes still made of papier mache#so its like. bellum is more or less indestructible so hes the only actual immortal#while linebeck is just. prone to being a little more reckless. i need to tweak story stuff. hes the worst in combat#so hes very down to like. cutting a hand open to give bellum some of his blood. its fine itll heal in like an hour#the idea is that the healing becomes faster the longer it is since he gets that ability but there is a ceiling#its like a mixture between technically having phantom blood and some other god-ish deity interference i need to zero in on it dw#look i need it so that he can be covered in his own blood and in agony several times without like. him actually fucking dying from it
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