#dont internalize any praise ever but if anyone ever complains about you then its real and you should internalize it times a thousand | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

h3rmitsunited · 2 years ago

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I was going back through my old school stuff from like 1st grade and there was this like journal where we had to write like a couple sentences each day to practice writing and stuff and i had this one day where part of what I wrote was "I hate myself today because I had to change my card to yellow" (the cards were like discipline things so you started with green and if you weren't being good you had to stand up and go to the front of the class to change your card) and I don't remember what it was for but I'm sure I was just like maybe talking or something like that.

But like damn. Even just thinking about the times I had to change my cards in those classes makes me want to cry. I remember always being so upset anytime the teachers weren't happy with me and then I think about me now and how I'm always expecting people to think the worst of me or be hiding that they don't like me or always expecting the other shoe to drop even if they've been telling me I'm doing a good job because I'm bad and I need them to just tell me why and what exactly they're holding back

And I've got a review coming up at work soon with my bosses since it's almost my 6 year anniversary of working there and all I can think is oh good now they can stop telling me how great I am and how happy they are to have me there and just tell me everything I'm doing wrong because I know the compliments aren't right and they have to have been holding back what all my issues are.

And I think something in my upbringing may have kind of fucked my head up... just a little bit

#peeerrhaps i should start looking at therapists again to work on some isssssuuuueeesss....#the last one was not that helpful but she was the first person i looked at and tried and she did well enough #just didnt really get deep into anything under the surface #i literally cant take compliments. like idk if its like a youre supposed to be humble so dont let it go to your head thats turned into #dont internalize any praise ever but if anyone ever complains about you then its real and you should internalize it times a thousand #or maybe its just a i kinda hate myself and dont feel like i deserve good things or anything ever #i think some of it is im ashamed about my stupid inability to get to work on time. like if i force it and work myself up #maybe i can be on time like a few days in a row #but the momentum drops so fucking fast and then im back to well im here before we open even if i was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago #but also like i get there before stuff is going on and like its not that late and i havent mentioned the issue because #i feel like if i did theyd say oh well then just get here at the later time youve been arriving close to its fine #but then stupid brain will go okay so this is the new time which means that im going to shift to arriving even later #so i just have to keep relying on the shame and guilt and panic to get me there in the mornings #which is not fun #i just hope the review goes well other than my bad time management #i feel like it will... hopefully. theyve talked about possibly 'promoting me' which would be me doing the same stuff ive been doing #basically but then id just have the title (and pay 🤞) to go along with that #i dont want to get my hopes up but we'll see what happens #im going to like try super hard to get to work on time until the review though and like after but still #come on clarissa do a good job

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