graveofm

[graveofm]

October 22, 2022

It’s been two weeks since we want back to Manila from La Union to stay by Daddy’s side. A lot had happened since then and I didn’t expect that I’d be this involved. I’ll summarized everything below:

October 7 - Jonas, Alfred, and I have decided to drive back to Manila to show emotional support to Daddy. We left La Union at around lunch time and arrived in Manila at around 7pm. The trip would have been shorter if we didn’t get lost for 2 hours. Jonas and I found ourselves exiting in Subic and we didn’t know why. To be fair, the view was really nice and the sunset was good. 

October 8 - Nanay visited Daddy. We drove to Retiro in hopes of attending a healing mass at 12pm. We arrived in an empty church. I went out to pee and found one of the church staff. I found out that the healing masses on Saturdays at Retiro are scheduled at 6am and 7am. The healing mass in Tagaytay is 12pm. Instead, we prayed. I prayed hard. I was trying my best not to cry, not even when we were walking towards the exit and daddy couldn’t take it anymore so he had to sit on the ground. Mind you, it was less than a 2-minute walk. 

October 9 - Sunday. What happened that Sunday? I can’t remember. All I know is Jonas and I went to pick up Tita Mended. That night, we also brought her home. It was so simple yet I can’t fathom why Baldo couldn’t do that for her -- even when Tita Mended would visit Paltok just to take care of Sofia. 

October 10 - I remember this day. I timed in hopes that I could work, but I couldn’t so I filed an emergency leave. My itinerary then was NKTI - Tita Mended’s house (sundo) - Market - Tita Mended’s house (hatid). Funny because amidst this adversity, Garry is still messaging me about things that I don’t give a shit about. I couldn’t care less about anything else except those that concerns daddy. 

October 11 - This is the time when daddy vomitted blood -- a lot. His stool is also black. I know it means that he has an internal bleeding. At 6PM, Jonas and I drove to PGH with them. It was at 9PM when Kuya Zeth advised us to proceed to the ER. Only two companions are allowed but as an overthinker, I stayed. Ninja style. I stayed until 8AM the next morning. I couldn’t believe that I’d have the strength (physically and mentally) to take care of daddy. Again, I tried my best not to cry. Even when I felt how thin he was that time, even when I saw him shaking because it was too cold, even when I wiped the tears on his cheeks because the medicine injected to him was too painful, even when I saw how uncomfortable he was, trying to sleep while sitting from 9pm up to the next morning. I left at 8AM because the guards are getting more strict. (P.S. I know those guards are just doing their jobs but I thought maybe they could lose the attitude? They are getting paid by OUR taxes and the least they could do is be nice.) 

October 12 - Did not get proper sleep. We had to pick up Mama Lenie at the airport. On the way to Paltok, I got reminded of how wonderful and brave she was when she was battling cancer. 

October 13 - Another sleepless and super tiring day. Daddy needed blood. I was thankful for Ate Imelda, Romel, Kuya Rico, and of course, my Jonas for willing to donate blood even on short notice. They were only informed last night but they were still okay with that. Ate Imelda, Romel, and Kuya Rico arrived there at 6am. Jonas and I arrived at 8am -- we got lucky that Jonas was able to secure the third to the last slot for the day. It wasn’t a good day because they all got hungry, got rained on, got home late. We were able to drive them home at around 8pm. Our lunch dinner was at around 4PM at Mang Inasal. Again, I am super thankful to them. We were able to complete the required bags in just a day all because of them.

October 14 - This was supposed to be my rest day. But Paopao was too makulit. Baldo is really selfish. He borrowed Jonas’ car and said that he’d be back early. He came back at around 5pm. In short, I wasn’t able to help in the hospital because of him. We were able to meet Ava, too. She’s a small kid but it looks like she has a big heart. Too early to say. 

October 15 - 16 - I still can’t remember what happened here. One thing to note, Summer died. I hope she brought Daddy’s illness with her. 

October 17 - 21 - Went back to work. I’m annoyed with everyone in RT except for Pat, Roy, and Dom. Having two jobs, I can’t help but compare the two. In RT, I can’t really feel the sympathy from them except for Roy and Pat. I don’t know why but I feel like Garry is expecting that things would get back to normal. This is one of the many reasons why I can’t really see RT as a place I’d love to stay at. Unlike in Reveel, I can feel the sympathy from Ailene. She’s really curious about what happened and expressed that the team is willing to help in any way possible. Hay. Avoiding the bad vibes so anyway, during the week, PGH have decided to do another biopsy to daddy. Doctors can’t rule out the result. Some are saying that he has cancer, some say that he’s negative. I am still praying that it’s not cancer. I hope Summer was able to save him from that illness.

Then back to the present. Daddy and Mama was supposed to go home but they were still processing the documents. If it were for me, I’d really like them to stay in the hospital while waiting for the biopsy. I just can’t figure why Daddy is too eager to go home when there’s nothing he can do there. Is it because of Baldo, that selfish bastard? I don’t know. 

[graveofm]

October 6, 2022

As I grow older, I am starting to hate unproductive meetings more. Nothing’s more tiring than inconsistent alignments that would likely take hours before the it ends. 

I don’t think it’s my hormones talking but I really find it annoying to be in a call where one person is just doing their monologues -- meetings that are not collaborative, the ones that can be best sent via e-mail, loom, or memo. 

Call me killjoy, but I feel like my time are best spent in something more productive. 

[graveofm]

October 2, 2022

There’s this small painful thing in my chest, and I’m not sure what it is. The feeling is like it feels when you accidentally swallow fish bones -- except I can feel it in my chest. I’ve yet to find a name to call it. 

This started when daddy started feeling sick. It’s been weeks, and I can’t sleep properly without thinking about the worst. To be honest, recently, I’ve never had a peaceful moment except when surfing.

There are times when I feel breathless. Then there are moments when I think the tears are about to come out of my eye -- not pouring from my eyelids but literally coming out of my eye, my pupil, and my iris. 

The worst are the hours before sleep because I feel it the most. It’s like a demon hiding somewhere between my shoulder joints -- and when it’s time to sleep, it starts crawling up to my heart, to my brain as if it’s singing me to sleep.

Sometimes, I want to vomit after spinning around and around and around.

Sometimes I wonder what’s scarier, the pits of the burning hell or the nothingness of the limbo. I’ve yet to know.

But this? I know where I’m at right now. If someone would ask me to paint a picture of how I see things around me, I’d gladly do so because it’s too easy. I’d just paint the whole paper with black ink and never leave even a single white dot. 

[graveofm]

Is it possible to miss someone whom you’ve never met before? Probably the person that you were supposed to be?

[graveofm]

Perhaps sunsets are meant to remind us that there’s beauty in every ending