#let’s give this character My Father Disorder

[songs-ofa-dyingbird]

Me whenever I see an older character who’s slightly unhinged and has memory issues: omg are you My Father?

[helenofblackthorns]

maybe it's just me but sometimes the narrative surrounding Julian & his siblings in the fandom annoys me just a little bit. especially the twins like he is not their father?? he did not raise them?? yes he did raise Tavvy but the twins are literally two years younger than him. they have the exact same age gap as Alec & Izzy.

like I understand where this perspective comes from, aka Julian. obviously it seems like common sense to take a main character at his word but you can't!! Julian's has a very disordered thought process regarding his siblings specifically and he isn't necessarily representing the situation clearly. he was forced to grow up very quickly at a young age and because of that he's created a narrative in his head that frames his siblings as being younger than they are and he's wrong!! except maybe Tavvy they ALL grew up too fast. we literally see Dru looking after Tavvy multiple times during tda like she's also raising him. and Julian is in many ways blind to that (he does work on it throughout the series tho, see: him letting Ty & Livvy go out on their own in London & treating Dru less like a little kid)

yes he refers to them as his kids sometimes, but again, this is disordered thinking. Livvy Ty & Dru don't view him at a father figure: Ty was literally the champion of wanting Mark to take over from Julian (and he hates change!!). Livvy & Ty also hacked his phone so they could keep tabs and make sure he was ok like. Julian perspection is not mutual, and even he doesn't always believe in it. exhibit a:

look at the language he uses regarding each of his siblings. in his ideal future, he wants to teach Tavvy (which is very parental) but he wants to fence with Livvy, and watch movies with Dru, and look for animals with Ty - as equals, as siblings. he just wants to be able to hang out with them doing things they love without having the burden of caring for them. which is also different to how Mark & Helen (& Aline) are referred to, as they are sharing that burden. he's not really bonding with them in the way he wants to with his younger siblings. (which also is bring us to the other contributing factor here which is that tda (& sobh) give the impression that Julian is closest with Mark and people assume that has always been the case. which isnt true but that's a whole other post lol)

anyway I really really hope twp digs into this significantly & we see more of the whole situation from Ty's & Dru's eyes. because I need Julian's framing to be broken down within the text for my own peace of mind and also because I want to see him finally have that bond back

[michanvalentine]

I was asked if I had any thoughts on Astarion's character development in terms of taking responsibility and making choices. And him coming to terms with that part of his past he's ashamed of. In the past I didn't dwell on it in detail, normally I write down on the keyboard what spontaneously passes through my brain. But I think they are excellent food for thought, so I will try to express what I think about it.

Here’s a little ramble, just because I love psychology and think it’s something to always keep in mind when discussing Astarion. If you’re not interested, feel free to skip ahead!

(Let’s talk a bit about the self.

The self is quite a complex concept with many facets. Briefly put, it’s shaped by various internal and external factors and reflects a conscious image of "me." In psychology, it’s key to building the Ego of an individual—the capacity to act, understand, organize, and interpret experiences. The Ego provides a sense of uniqueness, coherence, and personal continuity since the self encompasses many "faces." All this forms the personality of an individual, which naturally develops (and changes) throughout life.

Particular attention in the formation of the self is given to sensitive periods, such as early childhood. The self determines the level of self-esteem based on an individual’s assessment of their worth and competence in the characteristics they attribute to themselves (Real Self), their future aspirations (Ideal Self), and what they want to avoid (Feared Selves). The greater the discrepancy between these aspects, the lower the level of self-esteem. Social support and approval, as well as competence in domains deemed important to the self, obviously contribute to perceiving oneself as a person of value.

I’ll stop here, or this will turn into a full-blown psychology lecture, diving into every possible personality disorder! xD)

Astarion, as we know, has had his sense of self fundamentally undermined. For him, the world is divided between those who have power and those who don’t, with the former always being the "winners" in his eyes. The magistrate he once was is long dead, along with his moral compass and the life he used to live—especially after 200 years of servitude to Cazador.

As vampire spawn, akin to a newborn in some respects, Astarion learned to exist solely within Cazador’s world, revolving around Cazador, for Cazador. He was the domineering father figure, and vampire society functions under strict rules handed down by vampire lords. In this hostile context, without any room for self-expression or choice, Astarion developed a fragmented and damaged self-image. Constantly belittled by Cazador as an individual (small, weak, useless, incapable, all words he uses in the game), always pitted against his brothers and sisters, and degraded from a magistrate to a prostitute (this is important because it’s the only skill—or "talent," as he calls it himself—that Astarion believes gives him any value or power, forming the basis for his self-image). It’s easy to imagine just how high his self-esteem must be, right? Most importantly, he never developed the skills to navigate life as a free individual—at least not in a healthy way.

This is why, even if reluctantly (and despite his fear), he ends up leaning on Tav/Durge. Astarion is a follower, not a leader—not yet, at least. He needs a guiding figure to help him figure out what to do because making decisions and acting independently don’t come naturally to him; they terrify him. Especially outside of his talents, sex and survival. He needs to be rehabilitated, re-educated, and to achieve this, he requires a safe and healthy environment where he can experiment and grow, perhaps developing other faces of the self on which to base a new evaluation. Like, I'm not just a slave or a whore: but I'm also a companion, a friend, a lover, a hero and I'm able to listen, to help, to learn, to collaborate, etc. For instance, I think his lack of attention to detail reflects this to some extent—not just his tendency to be dismissive or distracted. In fact, Astarion isn’t stupid at all; his intelligence and wisdom stats in D&D terms are above average. He knows how to move in the shadows, remain unnoticed, and is highly skilled with his hands. Additionally, we shouldn’t forget that Astarion is an excellent observer of bodies, particularly body language. This is especially common when someone has lived in a stressful environment with abusive parents or partners. Recognizing the early signs of what they fear most—abuse—is crucial for trying to avoid getting hurt. The inflection of a tone, the light in someone’s eyes, the posture of their shoulders, arms, torso, etc. Body language is the most direct and primal form of communication and reveals intentions.

This is a skill Astarion has naturally refined, not only through survival but also by interacting with countless partners. It inevitably helps him sense certain things before others do, often saving him from trouble. So, he’s far from just some clueless fool, no matter how frivolous he might seem at times.

Sure, stress kills neurons, but the issue is deeper than intellect. To execute a plan, one needs to make decisions and lead a group—something he simply isn’t equipped to do yet. This also ties to accountability, an inherent part of decision-making—especially when others are involved.

Throughout the game, Astarion grows and begins to reclaim his rights as an individual. He realizes he’s more than an object to be used (he is no longer small, weak, useless, incapable), and he starts to establish boundaries and discover what he truly wants or doesn’t want to do, always alongside Tav/Durge. By the good ending, he even states that with Cazador gone, he can finally find out who he really is and what he wants from the life he’s regained. He’s still afraid—the road to healing is long, and the trauma is deep—but he’s willing to work on himself, which he couldn’t or wouldn’t do before.

A significant part of Astarion’s defense mechanism is dissociation, the ability to separate himself from the terrible things that have happened to him—or that he has done.

This, in my opinion, is how he managed to survive without completely losing his mind. In the game, there’s even a dialogue choice that highlights how Astarion simply repressed everything inside and kept going—a deeply unhealthy way of coping. And rightly so, the vampiric spawn retorts that it’s easy to judge when you haven’t lived through such a situation.

However, when Astarion comes face to face with his victims, that mechanism begins to falter. This time, he’s forced to confront what he has done directly, with all the consequences it entails. He has to look them in the eye, listen to their harsh words, and endure both their pain and his own—without filters, without excuses. The sequence is heart-wrenching, as we all know, but what I particularly love is Astarion’s comment about the Gur children and how, when he delivered them to Cazador, he felt nothing. I love it because it’s followed by an “oh” that speaks volumes more than all the discussions about ascension up until that moment. That “oh” seems to say, “How the hell is that even possible?!”

Astarion is surprised, first and foremost, because what he felt then isn’t what he’s feeling now. Before, he was numb, alienated—a ghost wandering the streets. But now, he’s not. He’s more awake and lucid than he’s been in the last 200 years. This concept is crystal clear when, upon setting foot inside Cazador’s palace, the vampiric spawn states that everything feels different, even though the place hasn’t changed. It’s not the palace that’s different; it’s Astarion!

And at this point, after speaking with Sebastian and Chessa, Astarion is torn.

On one side, there’s ascension, with all the rational explanations—or justifications for Tav/Durge and himself—about why it must be done. The vampire spawn are too many and too hungry; they’ll cause a massacre, etc., etc. On another side, there’s the need to erase the evidence of what he was, of what Astarion endured, and what he inflicted upon others—what these wretches represent as a mirror reflecting his own helplessness and pathetic state. A victim, essentially. And that, for him, is humiliating because he was, in fact, humiliated for 200 years. He’s deeply ashamed of it.

But yet another part of him holds the desire to do the right thing.

In fact, if asked about the prisoners and what he intends to do, Astarion will say he’s weighing his options. Not only that, but Astarion also gives his approval when Tav/Durge tells Sebastian that their freedom depends on whether or not they know how to control hunger. Adding immediately after that they can succeed. Anyway, at this moment, for the first time, the choice and the responsibility are entirely on Astarion's shoulders—and on his conscience. There are no orders from Cazador to carry out, no Tav/Durge acting on his behalf. The most Tav/Durge can do is help him think clearly in a moment when, between fear, the scent of blood in the air, and power within reach, Astarion might not be the most clear-headed being on the planet. But ultimately, the decision is his to make. The first of many more to come.

However, I believe Astarion truly takes responsibility for his actions when, after freeing the vampire spawn, he becomes the leader of the coven in the Underdark in the ending. In this particular case, the transformation is complete—Astarion is a leader who plans, makes tough decisions every day, manages resources, takes care of his people (his old victims, let's not forget), and continually grows in his independence.

Naturally, returning to the concept of the self, each of the endings—whether he travels across Faerûn with Tav/Durge, becomes a nocturnal vigilante in Baldur’s Gate, or even ascends—offers a perspective on how Astarion has changed and how new experiences have added positive aspects to his self-concept. These enable him to increasingly perceive himself as competent and valuable. At this point, I’m afraid I might have gotten lost in the flood of words, and I’m not sure if I’ve managed to address the proposed topics thoroughly. My apologies—I tend to lose myself in my thoughts and ramble on freely! If needed, feel free to let me know, and I’ll add a follow-up! xD Anyone who made it this far is a true hero, just so you know!

[lillaydee]

The Arrangement

Pioneer! Joel Miller / Reader

Your life crumbled to nothing during a migration to Jackson, forcing you to agree to an arrangement just to survive.

NOTE: I know nothing of the period or the life during that time. Just running off my imagination here. So sorry if there are inaccuracies in advance.

WARNINGS: Protective Joel (The Last of Us), Ellie & Joel Bonding (The Last of Us), Good Parent Joel (The Last of Us), Parent Joel (The Last of Us), Soft Joel (The Last of Us), Joel is Bad at Feelings (The Last of Us), Joel Needs a Hug (The Last of Us), Hurt Joel (The Last of Us), Joel Has PTSD - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (The Last of Us), Jealousy, Mutual Pining, Fluff and Angst, Frontier Joel, Alternate Universe - No Cordyceps Outbreak (The Last of Us), Virgin Joel, Virgin Reader, Minor Character Death, Period-typical Misogyny, Marriage of Convenience

SERIES MASTERLIST

PART 1

You climbed onto the driver’s seat of the family sized wagon and helped your mother up. She had the biggest smile on her face. A new start, she told you. She was so excited. After spending your entire life sharing a house with strangers, sleeping in one tiny room between the three of you, your father had finally managed to give your family a new life – a piece of land, in Jackson, Wyoming. Your family will have your own land to work on, your own house to live in, your parents will have their own room, and you, yours.

You were 20. An old maid, by the society standards. But you hadn’t wanted to marry. Your parents had you later in age, and they were not getting any younger. This move had been talked about for as long as you could remember, and getting married would mean separating from them, particularly if your hypothetical husband had a big family. You didn’t want that. Despite the possibility of being viewed as unwanted or defected by the society, you felt that you were thick skinned enough to face it, so long as you and your family were together.

And if this new life, in plot number three in Jackson, could bring you new adventures, or even a suitor, you wouldn’t fight it too hard.

Your father climbed aboard, taking the reins. You were seated on his left, your mother on his right. What little possessions your family had were all packed and arranged in the wagon, your two horses patiently waiting for his go ahead. The families you shared the house with gathered outside to say goodbye to you. Your father looked at the two ladies in his life and put his arms around each of you. Both you and your mother gave him a big, tight hug. His smile was infectious.

When he let go of the two of you, he took the reins in his hands again, tipped his hat at the gathered families, and clicked his tongue at the two faithful steeds. They began to move, and your family was off to start your new life.

It took two whole days to get to the next town, where the wagon train to Jackson would be gathering. Your family arrived very near night time, and your tired bones left no ability for any of you to do anything but to crawl into the wagon and shut your eyes.

**********

The sounds of a spoon being banged against the bottom of a pot stirred all three of you, still fully dressed from last night. You could hear the stream running nearby, quickly getting up and filling a bucket with some water for your parents’ morning routines, cleaning yourself as best as you could before bringing it back to the wagon. Your mother had already begun to prepare breakfast, your father having started a fire for her first thing.

He needed to meet with the organizers before breakfast, the aim was to move immediately once breakfast was over. He sent you to town for some quick supplies, and since time was of the essence, you took off running. You quickly got the items your parents had asked you to get, and hurried back to the meeting point, arms laden in packages.

You turned a corner and ran straight into someone. Your packages knocked off your hands, you off your feet, landing on your back, your skirt flying right over your head. You immediately got back on your feet, desperately trying to get your skirt back down, horrified that your drawers were out in the open. Alas, it was all to no avail. Your skirt had caught on to the pin on your hat and you couldn’t get it down no matter how hard you try. You were starting to panic, until a pair of hands stopped you, and a deep, low baritone told you to calm down.

Weirdly, while you realized that a man was speaking, you immediately calmed down. The man unhooked your skirt off the hat pin and lowered it immediately. Your sight was restored to him standing so close to you, having covered your modesty from public view with his own body.

“Are you alright Miss? I’m sorry, I didn’t see you there.”

His eyes were averted from you, but you felt yourself blush. This man saw your drawers. You kept your gaze down, embarrassed by your own thoughts. He immediately bent down and picked up all your packages. You kept your eyes off him in your flustered state as he carefully placed them all back in your hands. You braved a glance at him.

He looked to be about your age. Tall, strong looking, broad as all hell. His strong jaw peppered with a rather unkempt beard and moustache. His brown eyes slightly veered away from yours. He was a good looking man. Good looking enough to make you avert your eyes again.

You mumbled a thank you and sorry, and quickly made your way back to your parents. You helped your mother pack the supplies quickly and got back up front into the seat. The wagon train began to move into position, apparently waiting for one more to join the group. You didn’t have to wait for long. The last wagon, a single one, came rolling around not a few minutes later.

And just your luck, the driver was none other than the man who saw your drawers.

The idea of travelling with him for two weeks was enough to make you retreat back into the wagon, just so that he wouldn’t see you. You could do that, right? He didn’t need to know you were in the group, right? It’s only two weeks, when you arrive in Jackson he won’t even know you exist. Surely, you could hope?

That hope was quickly squashed at lunchtime, when your parents decided to sit with him and his family. Apparently, he was travelling with his brother and his wife, and his two cousins. He seemed gentlemanly enough, not mentioning anything about your encounter. In fact, he didn’t mention anything at all. He didn’t speak. At all. His brother and cousins did the talking. His name was Joel, apparently, his brother, Tommy, travelling with his newly wedded wife Maria. His cousins were Will and Benny. They’re the Millers. The men were former soldiers, fresh out from the war, which was how they got their lands. Will and Benny were both engaged, their fiancées already living in Jackson, which was the reason they decided to move there. Tommy and Joel tried their luck and managed to secure lands for themselves, so here they were too.

This was when you discovered Joel’s land would be your family’s next door neighbour. Great, you thought. Any hope of staying away from him was now lost.

A cry from Joel’s wagon got him off his stool. He climbed on and re-emerged with a baby in one hand, a bottle in the other. Maria got up and tried to help him, but he shook his head. He walked away from the group a little, cooing at the baby who was hungrily suckling from the bottle. His family watched him, eyeing each other, worried looks silently exchanged. The baby, a girl, was barely six months old, Maria told you.

You didn’t know why, but the knowledge that he had a baby with him made you a bit sad. Would the mother be joining him soon? Or perhaps she was already waiting in Jackson like his cousin’s fiancées? He wasn’t wearing a ring, but then again, a lot of men didn’t. Wedding rings were not exactly cheap these days.

After the baby fed, she began crying. Joel immediately seemed flustered, rocking the baby back and forth, clearly not used to the situation at hand. The Millers got up and tried to help him. But the baby was still crying, the group seemingly clueless on what to do. Joel was getting more and more visibly distressed.

You mother immediately got up and gently asked for the baby from him. She tried to soothe the baby, burping her, rocking her slightly, but she was still crying. She then passed the baby to you, telling the others that you had more experience with babies, having taken care of the children at the house you lived in since you were old enough to change a napkin.

You immediately checked the baby for whatever may be causing her discomfort. Her napkin, her clothing, her hat, her tummy, and finally, you ran your little finger in her mouth. Her crying eased slightly. She was teething. So, you ran your finger on her gums, gently massaging them, easing the pain slightly, and before long, she fell back asleep. Your mother suggested that she ride with you, so you could keep an eye on her, but Joel quickly said no, quietly thanking you for helping, before taking her back into his wagon.

**********

The wagon train consisted of ten wagons altogether. The lead and final wagons belonged to the agency the travelers had hired to map out the journey, providing food and safety throughout. Four single wagons belonged to the Millers, while the other four were family wagons, yours being one of them. The other three belonged to two different families, the middle aged couple with their three children, and their elderly parents, who had another wagon of their own, and a childless couple, probably newlyweds.

The journey was long and slow moving, but everyone got the hang of it after a while. After about ten days on the road, there were only seven wagons left, the other three had left, having arrived at their destination, two towns before Jackson. You, your mother and Maria had gotten along swimmingly, spending time together on the breaks. Joel still didn’t talk much, only mumbling a few words whenever necessary, preferring to spend time with his daughter, whose name, you found out, was Ellie. He asked you to help him out every now and again whenever he couldn’t soothe her, but other than that, he kept to himself.

The other Miller men were friendly, simply the opposite of Joel. Will was a bit quiet, but nowhere near as quiet as Joel. Benny was a chatterbox, basically a puppy with too much energy, and indulged your father in war talks and politics.

Despite Joel’s reserved mannerism, the group actually got along well together, which was probably a good thing, seeing as you would be neighbours when you arrived. With your father getting older by the day, you were glad the Miller men were around. They seemed helpful, all of them, even Joel, very willing to help whenever needed.

During one of the quick stream baths you, your mother and Maria shared, your mother asked her about Ellie’s mother. Turned out, Ellie was not Joel’s daughter. Her mother had been his sweetheart, who came from a troubled home. He had planned to marry her when he came home from the war. But when he didn’t come back as planned, her parents had forced her to marry someone else. He got her pregnant, and made her life a living hell, coming home drunk, stealing from her, beating her half dead. When she went back to her parents for help, they turned her away, unwilling to bear the shame of having their married daughter run away from her husband, not to mention the added cost of having her back plus baby. He ended up beating her to death just after Ellie was born, claiming that she died in a robbery.

Joel returned from war two months later to the news that not only was his sweetheart married, but she was also killed. He was at the bar, drinking his sorrows away when her useless husband walked in, drunkenly bragging about sleeping with so many women who pitied him for his wife’s demise. He proceeded to inform everyone of his poor wife’s final moments, admitting to killing her himself. He got so rowdy, so belligerent that he was fighting half the bar for telling him to shut up. Joel was so close to killing the man with his bare hands when the sheriff himself arrested the man for being too drunk, as well as for murdering his wife.

By the next morning, his body was sprawled in front of the sheriff office, shot in the back, having tried and failed to escape jail.

Ellie’s grandparents didn’t want to keep her and was sending her to the orphanage. Joel quickly decided to adopt her, not wanting her to live unloved, the way her mother was. She was officially his two days before the departure.

This bit of news made you feel like you knew him a bit better, the kind of man he was, despite his stiff demeanor. You and your mother vowed to help him as much as you could, knowing that the man would need all the help he could get.

Two days before the scheduled arrival in Jackson, the train stopped at a valley for the night. The day had been a particularly long one, and everyone was tired. Joel was nodding off as he fed Ellie, Maria quickly taking her away from him, asking him to rest so he would be alright for the journey the next day.

Dinner was quickly had and packed away, and before long, everyone was sound asleep, save for the two security men from the company, who stayed up to keep watch.

**********

You were startled awake by a sudden shake of the wagon, muffled shouting and scuffling surrounded it. It was slightly light out, as if the sun was beginning to peek its head. You sat up quickly, finding your parents already awake. Your father quickly took the gun he had kept hidden and your mother, a big metal rod she had always kept as a weapon behind the door. They signaled for you to be quiet, and you worriedly nodded.

The sounds of silent fighting quickly evolved to louder ones, people running around, and before long you could hear full on shouting, the Miller men’s voices among them. Your father told your mother to stay in the wagon with you as he quickly jumped out. You peeked through the gap in the canvas and saw Joel fighting a man off Tommy, who was on the ground. Your father shot the man, and Joel quickly picked up his own gun off the ground, and suddenly there was a lot of gunfire.

Your mother placed her hand on your back, Ellie, she whispered. If Joel was out here, who was protecting Ellie? You quickly wrapped a shawl around your body, and snuck out the front, hiding between wagons and shadows to get to his wagon.

A man took hold of you, and you screamed. There were so many men around, the men in your train outnumbered at least two to one. You struggled to get out of his hold, when suddenly you felt him drop. When you turned, your mother was standing behind him, having struck the heavy metal rod she was holding directly on his head. Go, she told you. You ran to Joel’s wagon and got in, Ellie nowhere to be seen. You ran back out, going to Tommy and Maria’s wagon, where you saw Maria hiding under the built in bench, Ellie in her arms. She immediately gave Ellie to you before climbing out herself. You wrapped Ellie in your shawl, tying it to your front before running out into the bushes to hide with her, your mother right behind you, telling you to get Ellie to safety.  

The gunshots and fighting and screaming slowly got quieter and quieter as you got further and higher, and finally, you found a spot where the rocks were high enough and far away enough to hide the four of you.

But when you and Maria settled, the two of you turned to see that your mother was no longer behind you. You began to panic and got back up to get her, but Maria pulled you down just as several gunshots sounded again, one of them hitting the rock you were hiding behind. Ellie began to cry, but you pressed her close to your chest, and thankfully, she seemed to get the message, the smart child. You and Maria peeked through the rocks, and saw some men go into her and Tommy’s wagon, feeling thankful that the two of you had decided to vacate it.

You saw Joel go in after the men, Tommy close on his heels, and came back out with the two men pulled out by their collars, before both were shot dead by Will and Benny. The four men looked around before being joined by the agency people, minus the two who had stood guard the night before.

It was now light enough to see. Joel shouted for Maria and you, and the two of you quickly stood up before carefully making your way back down to the valley. Joel and Tommy ran up to meet both of you, Tommy hugging his wife, relieved she was alright. You quickly untied your shawl off your body, and Joel immediately took Ellie off your hands, smothering her in kisses, holding her close to his chest, his face the definition of a worried father. He then asked you if you were alright, to which you nodded, and he helped you down, Ellie firmly held in one hand, your arm in the other.

Will, Benny and the four remaining men from the agency were checking the fallen men. Raiders, Joel told you, they were trying to rob the train. To say you were relieved the train held four former soldiers was an understatement.

Your thoughts were suddenly struck by something else. Where were your parents? You looked around, running to your wagon to see if they were there. They were not. Your turned to look elsewhere, when Benny appeared before you, a look on his face told you what you didn’t want to know. You violently shook your head, and ran in the direction he came from, only to find the rest of the men standing over two people, seated on the ground, your mother being one of them, held tightly in your father’s arms. Both had their eyes closed, their bodies still, too still to be asleep.

And that’s when you clocked your mother’s dress, soaked in red, and your father’s pajamas covered torso, blood richly seeping from it onto the ground.

The ground was shaking and still at the same time. The world fell silent. There was nothing left in it. All had emptied. Your vision was spinning. Your head light. You stomach churning. You heard someone say your name, and before you knew it, your world had turned dark.

PART 2

[kimulus0check]

can I ask for specific hcs? (ex trans characters or sth like that)

I want to make this to what I personally see while also keeping it to character I can. Like for example I don’t think mean little teenage boys from the 90s to early 2000s know what demiromantic means nor are going to know that theres more than two genders. Much less grown ass men who canonically have Facebook. Just a pet peeve

Hyperspecific or weird headcanons

Bill Dickey

•He is a dictionary definition of a sociopath or has antisocial personality disorder; but has never been to the doctors to be diagnosed. He wouldn’t even think there’s anything wrong with him either nor would think he would have any symptoms, even when they heavily show up a lot.

•symptoms of antisocial personality disorder are characterized by: those with antisocial personality disorder tend to lie, break laws, act impulsively, and lack regard for their own safety or the safety of others. Which we see him do by lighting himself on fire to intentionally burn down the comic shop and everyone in it.

•His overall lack for empathy for others is very prominent from the beginning to the end of the comic series.

•He is not gay, but he isn’t straight either. His hatred and Blanton misogyny towards women compared to his almost religous idolization fictional men is something that speaks for itself.

•Deep down he is aromantic. Though I doubt he would find out about this for himself until he’s seventy-five years old or dead in the grave. He dreams and yearns for sexual intimacy but doesn’t want to actually achieve it with a person in real life. He sees sex more as a social status to achieve than something you do with your partner in a romantic relationship.

•my most extreme head canon I mentioned in my general head canon post was that his parents are divorced and his mother has full custody of him and his sister.

•His father used to be very abusive to him and his sister but neither of them really registered that ‘violence and beating each other is bad’ and that’s why they are so violent towards each other and just physically aggressive in general. Also gives a reason why we never see his father.

Jerome Stokes

•is neurodivergent, more specifically having verbal stimming and stutters when trying to say the letter B. Jerry is more high-functioning on the ASD spectrum.

•Hates having his clothes wet, some clothing material like polyesters or cotton and can’t stand certain smells and lights because of sensory issues. But with his friends or if had partner was around him when he was having sensory problems he would mask and try to thug it out even though he is having a mental breakdown internally.

•It would take a lot for him to even open up about his feelings because he emotionally shuts himself off when his with the club members to get less hurt when they shit on his interest in fantasy or get into fights verbal and literal fights.

•Lives with his mother and father but they’re very religious and conservative so they don’t support his fantasy hobbies at all but let him indulge thinking “it’s just a phase”. They don’t really know how to live with the fact he is neurodivergent, specifically his mother. His father works a job with long hours so he is rarely home, if he is home he’s not awake half of the time. So his mother helicopters him and coddles him when he doesn’t need to be.

•The most open minded person of the group, but will follow in the clubs behaviors because he doesn’t want to be excluded or not have friends despite the ones he has right now are god awful.

•Has definitely was sent to Christian camp over the summer in middle school. His mom has found some of his fantasy porn stash in his closet and thought he was going astray from god.

Josh Levy

•Josh is a collective turned organized hoarder and over consumer. He canonically stated in the comics how he lost the passion in his hobbies and now just grasps at any collectibles he can find just to have them.

•sort of a sudo-masochist. Like he would never enjoy pain for his own pleasure but he’d know when he’s miserable and is aware what he does isn’t healthy, but continues to do it because he’s already in the deep shit of it.

•speaking of shit, the fact he only eats certain food products because they have collectibles even though he hates the food and has horrendous bowel movements on the regular makes him so much more sadder because he is willing to borderline torture himself just to collect.

•He comes from a Jewish family and a very religious family at that.

•he has naturally curly hair but he doesn’t shower almost at all so his curls turn into a greasy oily slick mop of a ponytail.

•moles and birthmarks all over his body.

•secretly closeted gay, and has probably online dated with men but will die in his grave than come out to his friends or loved ones.

Pete Dinunzio

•Pete is seen to have some anger issues in the pilot and in the comics like bill, but his anger derives from a sense of justice and fairness (though only when it benefits him).

•lives with a very strict and intense father and a couple older brothers, along with his more lenient mother.

•closeted gay but is homophobic to out gay people because he can’t process his own turmoil and eternalized homophobia. (his family is catholic Italian New Yorkers they probably don’t fuck with gay people.)

•Pete is impulsive and vain. Not thinking about the consequences of his choices like the other boys but his hobbies do take a toll on him more differently than the other three. when he gets older he thrives in an environment where they enable his worst habits and addiction to the point where he is a assistant producer in snuff films, horror porn, etc.

•you could hold the argument where Josh has a similar path in his career as swell, but Josh is only and editor while Pete is a co-producer. Having a higher job title and embedding the fact that this is no longer a new he hobby but apart of who he is in the worst way possible to where he is taking sexual advantage of the women who work for him.

•He wants to be covered in tattoos when he’s older with full sleeves and everything, but in his later years has a couple of five to eight tattoos scattered over his body.

•this is very much a stretch but I think he warms up to people like rigby from regular show. (stay with me-please) He is very distant and mean at first but if he warms up to you he will grow to be very loyal towards you.

[yeaimsafiya]

CHAPTER ONE back from rehab

SYNOPSIS the beginning of a teenage girl named y/n who is fresh out of rehab but doesn't intend to stay clean.

FROM THE WRITER AHH IM SORRY IM LATE GUYS!! This is the first chapter I'm ever writing, I took some inspo from episode 1 but I'm going to have to cut each episode into fourths because I really don't want to spend a whole week trying to finish a whole episode and school work. But I hope you guys really enjoy this chapter as much as I did - Love you guys, Sapiyah <3

WARNINGS Lots of unnecessary writing, female! reader, mentions of drugs and drinking, strong sexual content, nudity, violence, adult content, adult language, scenes might be uncomfortable for some, some scenes might include mentions of mental illness'

SERIES EUPHORIA

CHARACTERS INCLUDED members of the bakusquad & dekusquad, big three(?), some characters of class 1A

NOTES MDNI! Ageless blogs will be blocked or removed.

Readers discretion is advised

Suddenly, the whole world goes dark and nothing else matters except the person standing in front of you.

You were once happy. Content.

Sloshing and swimming around your own private, primordial pool; Then one day, for reasons beyond your control, you were continuously and repeatedly crushed...

Over..and over.. again by the cervix of your mother, M/n.

You put up a good fight, but eventually lost, for the first time, but not the last.

You were born 3 days after 9/11, your mother and father spent two days in the hospital, holding you under the soft glow of the television, watching those towers fall over and over again, until the feeling of grief gave away to numbness.

And then, without warning, a middle-class childhood in the American suburbs.

|

You were sitting at the dinner table with your mother, M/n, and Father, F/n. But it appeared something else had gotten your attention, a set of numerous lights above the dinner table, in which you wanted to count.

"Thirteen, Fourteen, Fifteen, Sixteen, Seventeen.."

" What are you looking at y/n?"

"..."

"What are you doing? ..Y-y/n look at me."

"One, two, three, .."

"What are you doing Y/n?"

*cries*

|

"Id say she's suffering from obsessive compulsive disorder..."

Its not like you were physically abused..

"...attention deficit disorder..."

..Or had some type of clean water storage..

"..general anxiety disorder.."

..Or was molested by a family member.

"..and possibly bipolar disorder. But she's a little bit too young to tell."

So, explain this shit to me.

|

"Honey, it's just the way your brain was hardwired; Plenty of great, intelligent, funny, interesting and creative people have struggled with the same things you struggle with."

"Like who?"

"Vincent Van Gogh, Sylvia Plath, and even Brittney Spears, your favorite!"

You haven't remembered much from the ages of eight to twelve. Just that the world moved fast, and your mind moved slow.

"Does anyone have an idea of what a perception might be?"

And every now and then, if you focused on the way you breathed...

You'd die.

"Slow down, just breathe"

Until every second of the day, you'd find yourself trying to outrun your anxiety.

"What's wrong Y/n?"

..And quite frankly..

"I'm just fucking exhausted"

|

Coming down to the kitchen, you could hear the small talk between your mother and younger sister, S/N.

"You said the doctor was in our network. How can he suddenly be out of network?"

"I can't afford it."

"Did you see that video of the girl who got acid thrown at her face?"

"What? No.."

"It's pretty fucked up.."

"Mom do you know where the tampons are?"

"In my bathroom, right under the sink."

And at one point, you'd make a choice of who you are and what you want.

"Alright Gia, let's go"

"Why do the co-payments cost $300?"

"Y/n did you eat breakfast?"

".."

"What's with the glasses?"

"What glasses?"

You just happened to show up one day, without a map or a compass..

"Attention students, we need to lockdown."

..Or to be honest, anyone capable of giving on iota of good fucking advice.

And I know it all seems sad but guess what? You did not build this system up, nor fuck it up yourself.

But then it happens. That moment where your breath starts to slow. And every time you breathe, you breathe out all the oxygen you have.

Then everything stops: Your heart, your lungs, then finally, your brain. And everything you feel, you wish, and want to forget, it all just sinks.

And then suddenly... you give it air again, give it life again.

You remember the first time it happened, where you were so scared you wanted to call 911. Go to the hospital and be kept alive by machines and apple juice. But you didn't want to look like an idiot, and you didn't want to fuck up everyone else's night.

And now overtime, that's all you've wanted.. those two seconds of nothingness.

You spent a good portion of summer before junior year in rehab. God granted you the serenity to accept things you cannot change, the courage to change the things you can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

"Y/N," your sister yelled from afar, greeting you after your long leave. You smiled, and whilst running up to her, tried to continue the conversation with your younger sibling.

"Hey, Come here!"

"How are you?"

"Good, I missed you."

"I missed you too."

"Look at you, are you growing?"

"No."

Looking over, you see your mother standing by your family car.

"Hey," you yelled out to her, only to receive a small smile from her.

And with that. you knew it was your time to go.

|

"I'm very happy for you Y/n. You're about to start a brand-new chapter," Your mother says while driving you and your sister to school. You looked at her with a smile, then turned your attention back to the car window.

You had no intentions of staying clean. And yet, Jirou just moved into town.

"There's some new girl in town that I think you'll be friends with," Shoto said, with you standing beside him in his store.

"Who?"

"Shit, I don't know. She came in looking all punk rock and shit; So I'm thinking to myself, like, 'look like somebody Y/n would be friends with'."

Which was sort of a dead-on observation for Shoto, who's not normally revolving in the same direction as planet earth.

"So how long have you been back?" He asked.

"About five days."

"And how are you feeling?"

"I mean, ever since I gave my life over to my lord and savior Jesus Christ, things have been, like, really good."

"Word? That's what's up," You chuckled at his snarky remark, giving him a small smile.

"I'm fucking with you," you said whilst laughing, "It was a joke."

"Shit, hey, I don't judge," he defended, hands raising to just above his chest.

"But for real, is Deku in the back?"

"Are you serious?" Shoto questioned, seeming very disappointed in you.

"What, you think cause' I went to rehab I stayed clean?"

"I mean, ain't that the point?" he asks.

"Yeah, well, the world is coming to an end, and I haven't even graduated high school yet."

You gave Shoto one more smile before going to Deku, whilst Shoto stared at you the entire way there; There was a hint of sadness in his eyes, but since you were too busy looking for Deku, you didn't see.

You opened one of the doors of the refrigerators, leading you right to him with a bowl of fruit loops,"I thought your ass was dead," he said one he saw your appearance.

"And I thought you had Asperger's till I realized your just a prick," you barked back.

"This a fickle industry, y'all come and go. I'm just trying to stack my cash, pay off our mortgage," he said while pulling out a bunch of plastic bags out of a microwave.

"So what the fuck do you want?" You gave him a knowing look before he handed you needed.

"You sure you don't want to try something new?" He asks you.

"Like what?"

"2C-T-2, 2C-T-7, and 5-MeO-DIPT."

"I'm sorry I have no fucking idea of what you just said."

"It doesn't matter," he stated, "but this shit, is fucking lit."

"What is it?"

"N-diisopropyl-5-methoxytryptamine. It's a fast-acting psychedelic."

Got some similarities to LSD, but with, like, key differences. Not as visual as shit, but definitely a sense distorter.

"What's wrong?" That same dark purple hair girl questioned.

"I'm just so happy," you responded back.

"I don't know, this shits been going off in Tampa, and mad people like to fuck with this," Deku continued on with his descriptions with the drug.

"Okay. Yeah, why not."

"That'll be 120."

"Oh uh, Shoto said he'd spot me."

"Shoto doesn't spot nobody."

"Yeah, well, it's a post-rehab discount, so you should ask him."

"I will go ask him, cause' I know your full of shit."

Those were the last words he said before you walked out. Those were the last words you heard before you saw the same two boys in freshman year.

Bakugo and Kirishima.

TAGLIST: (send an ask or reply to add or remove) @urinejaeger, @saturxnn, @lv9su, @minnipe, @flamgosstuff, @lilrockzstar, @actfsgxcv, @lovebuggyboo, @russochild19, @iits-lexie, @mendez5657, @animatronicrat, @thirstygorl, @scrittynotfound, @pleaseleavemebelol, @thymebread, @cocojellie, @vxnanaaa-blog, @tn-johnson, @knotatwink, @hpttstears, @blackcatluna, @queennb-123, @nndntahg

All work is subject to copyright by © yeaimsapiyah as of 2024.

Do not steal, use or reupload my work without given permission or my consent. If so, you will either be blocked, removed, or reported.

[icyg4l]

Pick-A-Child Star: Inner Child Messages

In honor of Black History Month, I am continuing the series of highlighting Black icons while prioritizing the spiritual needs of Black Americans. Pick the image that resonates with you most.

Left-to-Right (1-3): Keke Palmer, Aleisha Allen, China Anne McClain

If you chose Pile One, you resonate with the energy of Keke Palmer. As we all know, she is a multi-talented human being. She is a singer-songwriter, actress, dancer, talk show host, podcaster and model. Her name is synonymous with the phrase 'busy bee'. Her infectious personality has followed us through movies and tv shows like True Jackson VP, Scream Queens, Akeelah and the Bee, Nope and much more. She continues to grace the screens with her charismatic nature.

"You're always wondering what you're not, can't you be happy with what you've got?"

When you were younger, you may have watched the tv show, 'How to Rock', starring Cymphonique. The premise of the show is navigating the social castes of high school. I channeled the theme song for this show. You really need to show some more gratitude, man. What's in your imagination is being reflected on the outside world; just enjoy the moment. Your brain is on overload all the time and you really need to rest. On Valentine's Day, you should give yourself some 'me time'. Another message that I get from your inner child is that you need to go play! For some of you, I sense that you're reluctant to let someone into your life when they have good intentions. I think high school plays a big role into why you navigate the world the way that you do. You are not in high school anymore! You are officially responsible for your own shit (that means the emotional trauma too, boo). Your inner child also wants you to know that you should take up some karate/self-defense classes. It is imperative that you learn how to stick up for yourself physically, not just verbally. Lastly, if you have lost a father figure, you should do that thing to honor his legacy such as getting a tattoo of him, getting a portrait painted of him, starting that company and naming it after him. You are your father's offspring, you know?

If you chose pile 2, this means you resonate with the energy of Aleisha Allen. She is most famously known for her roles in the 'Are We There Yet?' film series and School of Rock. Her cheeky portrayal of these characters solidified her as a Black child star icon. After starring in these classic films, she took on smaller roles in 'The Electric Company' and indie films. Since then, she has acquired a Bachelor's degree at Pace University and a Master's degree at Columbia University in Communication Science and Disorders to fulfill a career as a speech pathologist.

“I gets down, I don’t play”

Some of you may be in the midst of choosing a major after being undecided for so long. Some of you may switch majors a lot. Your inner child wants you to choose something that makes them come alive this time. In other words, choose a career path that's not boring to you. You could have ADHD/ADD or some type of learning disability. You need to slow down because you’re inviting some disingenuous energy. Your inner child does not trust the people that are around you. Your light shines too bright to be staying in spaces where you're not celebrated. This made me think of a video of Megan Thee Stallion talking about walking out of rooms where you don't feel comfortable. Do exactly that, my love. Everything will work out just fine if you believe that it will. Your inner child wants you to be as optimistic about this transition as possible. And lastly, you don't have to tolerate anyone's behavior, or quite frankly anything. If you feel like you have to put up with someone's bull, then you need to leave. You guys were quite the sassy kids, weren't you? Now, where did all of that energy go? Why are you dimming yourself down just to appeal to others? It doesn't matter if you're in a corporate meeting or a classroom filled with white people, you speak your mind. You know what's going on, don't be intimidated.

If you chose Pile 3, you resonate with the energy of China Anne McClain. She is known for her roles in Daddy’s Little Girls, A.N.T. Farm, the Descendants series and Black Lightning. Her range in roles highlights her witty, yet dramatic personality, which is the reason for any drawn interest in her. She is also a singer-songwriter who was once in a girl group with her older sisters, Lauryn and Sierra. Since then, she has documented her spiritual journey on social media after quitting acting.

“I’ve got friends on the other side”

This is the pile that I would probably choose. This is the pile of the hoodoos/witches/spiritualists/occultists. Your inner child wants you to know that the spells you’ve been casting have been working. As a child, you may have had some experiences with ghosts/spirits. Nobody believed you but who cares? They’re your friends now. There may be a cousin that you haven’t seen/talked to in a while. Please talk to them! Your inner child misses them so much! It doesn’t matter if you’re not on good terms with them, please go do it. For some reason, you should go play hide and seek. This could also mean that you should prepare for an item of yours to go missing temporarily. It could also mean that you will find out some information that you’ve been searching for. Finally, if you feel like you have nowhere to go, think again! Your inner child wants to go to place where you once frequented. This could be the beach, an arcade or the park. Go have a picnic. Go insert those coins/swipe that card into your favorite apocalypse game. Go dig your toes into the sand! You are going through self-actualization and it is important that you stay grounded. Be prepared to step into uncomfortable positions. Connecting with your inner child is a way to do so. It is essential for your growth as a person.

[radiantrosaa]

-ˋˏ ༻❁༺ ˎˊ-

Hihi! I wanted to give you all a quick heads up about my writing. I know some of you are interested in seeing stories involving HandyMan!Bill but unfortunately, I won’t be writing about him. Since HandyMan!Bill is a character from an AU I didn’t create, I want to respect the original creator’s work and their intentions for the character. Especially because I am not sure how said creator would feel if I wrote stuff about their creation.

I wouldn’t want to unintentionally misrepresent HandyMan Bill or step on any creative toes. Out of respect for the creator, I’ll be sticking to my own original ideas or canon characters. Thank you so much for understanding.

For anyone curious, the content for Handyman!Bill is on @handymanbill

By the way, this applies to any au that doesn’t belong to me.

-ˋˏ ༻❁༺ ˎˊ-

That said, when it comes to AUs, I’ll be focusing on my own original ideas. I have an AU of my own featuring Bill Cipher that I’m thrilled to share with you, Split!Bill. Here’s a sneak peek:

Split!Bill follows Bill after a mysterious relocation to Gravity Falls, in human form and with no memory of his past except for his name. He’s taken in by Blubs and Durland, who become like father figures to him, but Bill’s journey is far from easy. He has DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder), which splits him into two sides: Light!Bill and Dark!Bill. Light!Bill is the curious, innocent version trying to uncover his origins, while Dark!Bill is the side that holds all of his memories, powers, trauma, and even self-hatred. Dark!Bill sabotages any progress Light!Bill makes, leaving him endlessly stuck, unable to uncover the truth.

Through Split!Bill, I’ll explore themes of self-discovery, identity, and inner struggle—plus, you’ll see some familiar faces from Gravity Falls as Bill’s story unfolds.

Thank you so much for your support and understanding, and I can’t wait to dive into this new AU with you! Let me know if you have any questions or thoughts; your feedback means the world to me.

Here is a reference of my Bill:

If anyone wants my socials for my art, here they are:

Instagram: rrosadrawss

X: rosadrawss

Bluesky: rosadraws.bsky.social

TikTok: rrosadrawss

-ˋˏ ༻❁༺ ˎˊ-

[lehnsharrk]

The *New* Fassbender Psychopath Scale 😈

*Updated 01/27/2025*

I wanted to expand on the one introduced on the Kelly Clarkson show, below are the Fassy movies I've seen, my general "psychopath" rating for each character and reason why

Disclaimers:

For context I am essentially swapping "psychopath" with "evil," I am in no way trying to tie this to any psychological disorders or do a deep dive into any characters. Just a very surface-level "how nefariously evil is this character?"

These are my opinions, I encourage you to share, comment and make your own ratings. I will also be updating as I watch more of his films.

There *will* be spoilers so if you haven't seen these movies/shows, consider yourself warned!

The scale will also be a 0-5. I'm using 👿 and a zero will be a 👍

Let's go! 🦈

Movies 🎥

Inglourious Basterds: Lt. Hicox 👍

Goes undercover to help defeat the n*zis (and technically helps get a few killed, even though he dies in the process)

Centurion: Quintus Dias 👿

Just a soldier, trying to survive but I'm going to give him something for killing some people

Jane Eyre: Mr. Rochester 👿👿👿

Keeps his wife, suffering from mental illness, *locked in the walls* and keeps it a secret so he doesn't scare off another woman he's trying to marry. Dude...

X-Men: Erik Lehnsherr/Magneto 👿👿

Erik's anger comes from a place of trauma and his worst fears keep coming to fruition. That being said, he does blindly distrust all humans, betrays Charles multiple times and causes so much unnecessary destruction.

A Dangerous Method: Carl Jung 👿👿

Doctor cheats on his wife with his patients, twice. Also, probably not a good idea to have your patient be your employee.

Shame: Brandon Sullivan 👍

A man suffering with addiction and trauma, plus added stress and guilt when his sister stays over. Wish I could give him a hug.

Haywire: Paul 👿👿

Honestly he's not in it for that long and I wasn't paying attention but I guess he double crossed the main character and shot someone?

Prometheus/Alien Covenant: David 8 👿👿👿

I will defend David with my dying breath but I'll be honest he does some horrendous things. Intentionally infecting humans with alien parasites, massacring an entire planet, killing and experimenting on someone he loved? But the humans were mean to him...

12 Years a Slave: Edwin Epps 👿👿👿👿👿

Sadistic slave owner and r*pist, yep about as evil as it gets

Frank: Frank 👍

Poor Frank has done no wrong, just wants to make music and wear mask

Slow West: Silas Selleck 👿

Starts out tricking the main character so he can find a bounty but has a change of heart

Macbeth: Macbeth 👿👿👿👿

M*rders the king in his sleep so he can become king, orders Banquo and his son killed (although the son does escape) and burns Macduff's wife and children at the stake. One evil dude.

Steve Jobs: Steve Jobs 👿👿

Forget being a greedy businessman, a neglectful father and stealing credit from his friend and business partner, his cardinal sin was dipping his feet in a fucking public toilet

The Light Between Oceans: Tom Sherbourne 👿

Yes, he and his wife were heartbroken after their miscarriages but he does technically kidnap a child, keeping her from her grieving mother. His guilt starts eating at him and he desperately tries to keep his wife from getting prosecuted

Assassin's Creed: Cal/Aguilar 👿

I don't remember what or if there was a plot for this movie but I remember he was arrested for killing someone and then also kills some more people so I'll give him something.

Song to Song: Cook 👿👿

This movie was hard to follow but I'm giving him a two because he might be a groomer (he met the main character, who he later sleeps with, at 16) and he cheated Ryan Gosling's character out of the copyright on his songs.

Alien Covenant: Walter 1 👍

Don't really think Walter can be evil, he doesn't have the capacity that David does

Next Goal Wins: Thomas Rongen 👿

Verbally abusive and throws things. Also intentionally misgenders and deadnames a character because he's upset at her, all for the sake of character development!?

TV 📺

A Bear Named Winnie: Lt. Coleburn 👿

He brings a bear to a military camp, A BEAR. Also leaves the bear at a zoo, letting her live out her life in a small cage instead of releasing her back to the wild when he had the chance

William & Mary: Lukasz 👿👿👿

Jumped through the episode to watch the Fassy bits but ew I hate this one. Guy m*lests the midwife that just delivered he and his girlfriend's baby

Sherlock Holmes & The Case of the Silk Stocking: Charles Allen 👿👿👿👿

Even though it's two characters, I'm rating them the same. One's a child m*lester and murder and one knew about it and did nothing

The Agency: Martian 👿

Hmm he is knowingly putting himself, his daughter, the cia AND his girlfriend at risk because he can't let his relationship go? (Show is ongoing so we'll see if this changes)

Let me know what you think!

Share any suggestions of what movie I should watch next.

[prydon]

heyy idk if this is an odd request but i love your fics so much, you write nureyev angst so so good and im trying to find other fics with similar nureyev themed angst and hurt/comfort. do you have any recs? thanks!!

Unfortunately even though I've read like every Nureyev-focused fic that's ever been written, my dumb ass stopped bookmarking my favorites back in like 2021. So most of the recs I can find easily are old which is annoying because I want to give kudos to writers still active in the fandom.

But nonetheless, here's my rec list from 2021, and I'll also add some more recent fics to the end as well:

Juno Steel and the Company Man by MrBurner. M. 55k.

A wonderful longfic that’s Juno POV, but centers around the idea of Nureyev having had his mind wiped by Dark Matters. It’s a really cool concept and executed in a very heart-wrenching, exciting way!

can only tread water for so long by AVMabs. T. 15k.

A fic about a heist gone wrong, that turns into my personal favorite kind of fic (aka Nureyev debt reveal/speculation). A+, love all the crying.

if not for love by howlikeagod. M. 5k.

A reunion fic from back before season 3 aired. I love seeing older fandom’s ideas for how Juno and Nureyev might meet again, and this is a great one.

Be Right Back by argentumauream. T. 2k.

A very well written little fic about Nureyev having separation anxiety/fears of waking up alone as a result of FRP, which is one of my favorite headcanons.

All These Shorthand Forms of Love by Dooiney_Oie. T. 5k.

Nureyev hasn’t cried in a long, long time, but with Juno’s encouragement he finally does and it’s so sweet and messy and well-written.

Aching Inside by easiIyamused. M. 3k.

This is a fic about Nureyev having and recovering from an eating disorder, so mind that if it is a trigger warning for you- but it’s also one of my favorite Nureyev character studies and packs so much heart and wit into only 3k words. I’ve seriously read this fic like twenty times.

The State as Criminal by brionypoisoned. T. 4k.

Nureyev runs into and confronts a young person from New Kinshasa during a mission. Really like the moral dilemmas here and the idea that Nureyev sometimes wonders whether he should have let the city fall after all.  

reliance by wastrelwoods. M. 2k.

Nureyev gets hurt, and Juno has to stitch his wound. A lot of great lines about Nureyev’s desire to take care of himself/hide his pain and Juno’s fears about not deserving the trust Nureyev puts in him.

oh how you love my pain away and to hurt quietly and fiercely by honey_butter. T. 5k.

A series of two fic about Nureyev dealing with chronic pain. It’s another one of my favorite headcanons and they’re very well and thoughtfully written.

get up, shake the rust by nex_et_nox. T. 4k.

A fic about Nureyev having card games as a trigger because of Miasma’s torture. Love the concept and always love seeing Juno comfort Nureyev and reassure him it’s okay to admit when he can’t handle something. (Also... imagine this concept updated to considered the whole, you know, Slip thing....)

Vapor by consider_the_nexus. M. 18k.

An absolutely brutal depiction of the torture that Juno and Nureyev suffered by Miasma’s hand, that is both incredibly painful and very sweet, and basically how I now imagine that might have gone.

keep your heart close to the ground by wastrelwoods. M. 5k.

Another fic about Juno and Nureyev’s time being tortured by Miasma, beautifully written for such an incredibly sad story.

Opals and Rubies by Illuminahsti. E. 25k.

A fic where Nureyev is still working with Mag as an adult, and meets Juno when Juno’s a part of the Carte Blanche crew. The smut is great too, but my favorite part about it is probably the way it portrays what Nureyev’s relationship with Mag might have been like if it had continued, and shows what a manipulative asshole Mag is in a way that feels very realistic. This one was actually a big inspiration for my own fic Father of Mine.

Relics of the Outer Rim by spacecitytraffic. T. 7k.

Vespa and Nureyev are one of my favorite match ups, and I love fic that plays on the idea that they’re both from the Outer Rim and that Vespa might have heard of the Angel of Brahma as a figure. The characterization here is on point and both Vespa and Nureyev’s reactions to Vespa finding out who Nureyev is feel so accurate.

getting good at getting by by wastrelwoods. M. 10k.

Buddy POV; Nureyev gets badly injured while on a heist with Buddy and they have to hole up together as he recovers. He becomes delirious from fever and starts addressing her as Mag, among other things. It’s a very touching character piece where they learn a lot about each other.

only fools follow golden rules by brunchandtedium. T. 5k.

I’m a huge sucker for fics that have to do with Nureyev’s debt, and this is a really wonderfully written, moving story about him confessing everything he’s dealing with to Buddy and being shocked when she reacts with kindness and offers help.

An Introduction to the Outer Child by Dooiney_Oie. T. 15k.

A fic where Nureyev and Juno are reverted to their childhood selves by mysterious means, and Vespa ends up trapped in an escape pod with baby!Nureyev. It’s SO good and such a genius brain way to have Vespa learn more about Nureyev and realize just how wrong her original assumptions about him were. Also baby!Nureyev is so cute and I want to hug him, even though I’d probably end up stabbed with a scalpel if I did.

butterfly in my stomach, wasp in my gut by qynntessence. T. 5.4k

A story about Nureyev struggling with having a sensitive stomach/nausea. Yes I'm very biased because this story was written for me about one of my favorite headcanons by my own girlfriend, but also it's a great fic and you should all read it.

someday I'll be perfect and I'll make up for it all by dahliasolisrose. T. 2.2k

Wonderful coda fic to Juno Steel and the Sixteen Tons, with tension, angst and hurt/comfort in abundance.

where do you run? by alwaysyourqueen. T. 2.6k

Nureyev and Juno deal with the aftermath of Nureyev having a miscarriage. Painful and lovely and very in-character.

Where My Marbles Went by dabbingskeletons. T. 8.8k

Nureyev gets a bad concussion that gives him temporary amnesia. Technically unfinished but there's still almost 9k of some wonderful hurt/comfort Contente.

a word i cannot define by nocturnalex. G. 8.8k

Nureyev hurts his hand and Vespa helps patch him up. Boy do I love explorations of Vespa and Nureyev's dynamic SO MUCH.

Lay Me Down, Let Me Rest by scarlettrust. E. 3.4k

Nureyev has bad anxiety and insomnia, Juno helps him in a very intimate way. Love when hurt/comfort and smut are combined! Great read, as are many of Sara's fics. They've been writing for this fandom as long as I have!

Okay, that's all I can find/think of right now (though there are LOTS more I have read and loved) but hope that answered your question and that you enjoy reading through these <3

[janetbrown711]

How do you torment your favs (aka how have you traumatized some of your favourite characters)?

Well, if we're talking broadly here I mostly give them mommy issues, but lets go character by character here for the nitty gritty/true pattern examination

TW for mentions of miscarriages, abusive parents, and just a lot of trauma

Apple White-- Mommy issues, internalized homophobia that she does mostly get over but it doesn't help when a lot of the world is homophobic to her, body image issues, and a possible eating disorder

Darling Charming-- mommy issues, daddy issues, experiences a lot of homophobia and misogyny

Louie Duck-- Just. Just the worst mommy issues. Wants Della to love him so bad but feels like it's literally impossible because of their differences and his "glaring" flaws and selfishness

Yakko, Wakko, and Dot (Long Live the Queen) (idk how to write normal universe whoopsies)-- Abusive grandmother who actively tries to (and nearly accomplishes) murdering their parents making their parents have to abandon them for a year, Yakko has parentification trauma from that, Wakko gets literally starved and locked in a tower on multiple occassions, and Dot feels like it's all her fault whenever Wakko gets hurt because she's supposed to be the perfect princess. It gets fixed but it do be a lot

Lena Warner (my oc from Long Live the Queen)-- Abusive mother who literally attempted to kill her. Wants very badly to be a proper mother to her children and keep them safe, but her mother has far too much control and power over her for that to be truly possible. Had a runaway marriage in her late teens in order to avoid being married off to some old guy. Her mother's murder attempt caused a miscarriage and robbed her of a year with her children while she had to physically recover from her injuries. Ended up killing her in the end though, so that's good.

MK (dadsy of two)-- dead parents that were incredibly abusive (especially his "mother"), a burning desire for closeness to his guardian that he feels he can't access out of fear of attachment + Pigsy's own distant behavior at unpredictable moments. Desperately wants Pigsy to be his dad and nothing hurts more than when Pigsy actively denies it. Craves affection and praise more than anything in the whole wide world but doesn't know how to accept it/how to react when it happens.

Mei (dadsy of two)-- dead parents who gave her severe perfectionism but died before they could ever apologize/acknowledge/realize any damage done. Blames herself for starting the fire because she knocked over an ancestral artifact (that fire was actually fixed, the fire that killed them is unrelated but she'll never believe that). Wants to be the perfect daughter for Pigsy while also not feeling like she's actually his daughter because of the distance + complicated grief related feelings.

Pigsy (dadsy of two)-- tbh what haven't I done to him? Gave him guilt over the death of Sandy's ex fiancee due to "causing" Sandy's trauma that lead to the incident, gave him mommy and even worse daddy issues, deals with fantasy racism on such a regular basis he believes being distant with MK and Mei (ala saying he isn't their father/he's only their legal guardian) is the only way to really protect them from it (and even that backfires on more than one occasion). Internalized fatphobia. PTSD. Smoker. Severe lack of self esteem. Couldn't give less of a shit about himself and his own health (ESPECIALLY mental) while worrying endlessly about everyone else. Just. just so much trauma for one man. what the fuck.

Tang (all fanfics)-- Abusive, severely homophobic parents who cut him off when he was 19 due to finding out about his homosexuality. Could barely afford food for a year until he met Pigsy and basically relied on his charity in order to not starve to death/suffer the effects of severe malnutrition and still continue his education. Loves Pigsy endlessly and hates watching him torture himself over the littlest things (knows he does the same and feels so helpless every time it happens). Wants to be a dad to MK (and Mei) desperately but worries he's nothing compared to Pigsy. Has constantly had his passions belittled and mocked to the point it's genuinely surprising to him that MK actually likes his stories and the way he does things.

Sandy (all fanfics)-- PTSD, guilt over having missed 20+ years of his best friend's life. In Dadsy of Two he killed his fiancee after a nightmare about the war he and Pigsy had fought. Wanted to be a parent but after that accident, he can't trust himself with another human life like that. Has a hard time trying not to be "the therapist friend" and poking where he shouldn't when it comes to his friend's emotional issues (especially Pigsy's). Had just the worst toxic romance with Pigsy ever that was just the hottest of messes before it all fell apart but they tried to be friends (until his fiance's death) (the time away was very much needed for them both to heal and grow so they could actually be good friends again but it still hurts it took that long).

Pigsy (Li Na AU)-- most of the above but even more trauma around fatherhood, only made worse by the fact he had five miscarriages in the past (only three Tang knows about). Buries that pain instead of talking about it and believes that because Li Na is alive and well the pain is gone (it's not. it lives within him in every waking moment and is why he's so fucking terrified at the thought of losing her or MK).

....So yeah! Just--.... Just so much man, damn wtf someone needs to take them away from me I keep hurting them, wtf---

[jewish-vents]

Being ethnically Jewish, adopted by goyim, and only connecting to my heritage and my culture as an adult was hard enough considering I became an adult in 2016. Since then my dad has become a full-blown conspiracy theorist, Trump supporter, and rabid Islamophobe. He's gotten involved in this weird offshoot of Evangelicals who think nothing bad can happen to "the Jews" (he NEVER calls us Jewish people, or people at all) so according to him there is no rise in antisemitism. Things have been like this forever. There is no rise in hate crimes or hate speech. The CIA, FBI, NSA, NAACP, and Jews are all lying or mistaken because his conspiracy buddies say so.

I get called slurs and babykiller and pedophile every day when I go to work on campus. (Apparently goyim think we lick babies' private parts? Their kinks baffle me.) My coworkers make pointed remarks or talk about hoping Hamas wins and look at me just daring me to get offended or fight them or report them to the department head, who they and I both know would side with them. I am taking care of my disabled father and my newfound stray-who-chose-me dog, I have been repairing the attic and spare room because my sister and her daughter have to move in at the end of the month due to their rent being hiked up suddenly, and I am recovering from having a bleeding ulcer back in December, during which I lost over half the blood in my body.

And added onto all of this work, I can't even come home to peace and quiet. I come home to more and more conspiracy garbage. My adoptive dad was always emotionally abusive and has untreated Bipolar Disorder. He's never been kind to me. But now he's dehumanizing me, saying things like "the Jews and people" as if those are separate categories, rambling about "the mystery of the Jews" which appears to be how we survived if people actually hated us (which is apparently in question), and constantly, consistently, repeatedly talking about the Holocaust. I got up to get peanut butter for breakfast because I'm so busy that breakfast is two spoons of peanut butter and I couldn't even get that this morning without being told actually, it's Jewish people's fault for dying during the Holocaust because they knew it was coming and could've gotten out.

I'm a bad person.

I snapped. I just started screaming. Not words, not even syllables, just full-body, loud, long screams to drown out everything he said. I screamed until my voice gave out and then I clamped my hands over my ears, shut my eyes and waited until I had enough breath to bolt for my room, throw on non-pajama clothes, and went to work. I can't take it. I can't take this. I can't deal with this. I didn't apologize and I'm not going to because if I do I might have to hear more of it and it's too much. When I was a kid he used to get angry and refuse to talk to me for days, sometimes weeks. I am actively begging Hashem to let that happen because I just can't take this anymore.

I'm 24. I'm not even 30 yet and I feel ancient. Childhood feels like a half-remembered dream. I don't remember what it was like to feel safe anymore. I had a fine day at work because I've started... I don't think it's exactly dissociating? I imagine myself as a main character in a video game narrating the contents of a visual novel. 'Angry Coworker #2 is overly dramatic. You wonder how much of it is performance,' I narrate to myself in the second person, eating lunch, 'and how much, if any, of her emotion is genuine. She is giving a 2012 early YouTube caliber performance. Your smile should look appropriately strained so she thinks her attempt has succeeded, lest she escalate to full-on theatrics.'

This cannot be healthy. But the last therapist I had just taught me to feel guilty for thinking about the part or things I can't control because that means I have only myself to blame for feeling bad. The therapist before that I caught zoning out on me mid-session and totally not paying attention. The one before that kept telling me that the things that stress me out don't actually effect me and I was self-victimizing because the rest of the world doesn't "have" to effect me.

I am coming apart at the seams. I am consistently narrating my own life in the second person and not eating dinner because then I'd have to encounter my father and working on something because if I work I don't have to think. I don't know how long I can keep going like this. If I ever scream at work like I did at home, I'd be fired, and pretty rightfully so.

I'm so tired. I can't deal with everything. I can't kill myself because there's too much work to do, too many people depending on me. I can't keep patiently gritting my teeth and listening to another hot take on "the Jews" every morning. I just want to sleep. I just want to lay in bed and forget about everything. I can't do this anymore. I also have to.

.

[polufabrikat-na-vilke]

Thoughts about Diavolo and Doppio

Introducion

All that ton of text exists because I didn't believe it was DID since my first time watching and reading Golden Wind. Literally from the first time seeing their actions and interactions, I thought it looked more like some sort of supernatural thing than that condition, to which I only found more confirmation as I watched. I still want to call the following examples thin, since there is a very high probability that Araki was simply going way too wild with all this mystical mysterious secrecy of the antagonist, and everything that I will give may turn out to be just the fattest wicked technique for exaggerating this, but I want to express my thoughts nonetheless. Plus, I think it might be a narrative trick after all, so I may turn out to be right in the end of the day.

Point

So, let's get it straight: the theory is that there's no DID in that story, Diavolo is not an alter-ego, but something else and probably not a human at all. And now to the specifics.

Let's start from afar: his (to make it easier to read, I'm talking about Diavolo in a generally accepted way) mother, in her words, became pregnant from an unknown man who died 2 years before his birth, and, moreover, she has been sitting in isolation from the outside world for 2 years, in a specifically women's prison without any men at all. AND, MOREOVER, the anime adaptation shows that the fetus develops in just a few hours (I’ll say a few more words about the validity of David's version later). Well, it’s impossible, well, it’s a huge nonsense, even if we consider from a seemingly scientific point of view of this universe, with which Araki tried to explain, for example, the change in physical parameters when switching egos. Here's mystical supernatural shit number 1.

Further. This particular point is relevant only for anime adaptation. Unfortunately, I haven’t found any data on how much Araki took part in its creation, I confess, but I have the right to assume that if it was approved by him and released the way we see it, it is quite a canon by which we can argue. It came out after the manga and this is quite possibly a more correct representation of events from the point of view of canon details. In the same scene, after birth, the baby's eye color momentarily changes from hazel to red, then back. This move, I want to note, is often used to show a character’s possession, usually with supernatural forces or the like. Yes, it is also used to refer to a "second personality" or some hidden nature of a character, but newborns do not have DID, it is a disorder that develops after severe repeating trauma. Mystical supernatural shit number 2.

We smoothly move on to the extreme turbidity and ambiguity of DID, and I’m not even going to talk about body changes when switching. So, DID develops, as, by the way, even in the original source is noted, as a result of a deep shock or trauma. A person dissociates from the traumatic experience, which, if severe and repetative to the point when their mind can't really survive it, results in violation of an identity integrity. It does not develop immediately and is noticeable to others, while commonly not being noticable to a person expiriensing it. And what do we see on this topic there? Nothing, only Doppio shows symptoms of dissociation, and only in situations where something threatens to expose the boss’s identity (or in other situations related to him, that’s the only way), which is strange, because I can’t even imagine such a trauma can be (i.e., it becomes a chicken-and-egg paradox: the trauma, in theory, should be related to the boss, to alter, but without the trauma there should be no boss, no alter). Other trauma is either not shown, which is a serious omission from the script, because this is no longer a mystery, but a hole, or it simply does not exist, because in the village, as far as can be seen, the attitude towards him was near normal, and his foster father is caring and loving, and has a trusting relationship with him (judging by the phrase casually thrown by the drivers from a flashback with his youth, where they warn him not to complain about an accident on the road to the priest, which seems to refer to the fact that this has already happened at least once before, and as if he would hardly have gone to him to complain if he did not trust him). Mystical supernatural shit number 3.

The same muddy and unclear story with his mother under the floor. Why is she there? For what is she there? How did she survive there? But who would know. In my opinion, it looks like some kind of some ritual-related bullshit, or at least a sacrifice to something, but I don’t undertake to make any special statements or comments here, I’m just noting and thinking. Mystical supernatural shit number 4.

Let's get to non-flashback events. POSSIBLY Diavolo is able to influence Doppio's consciousness (which does not happen in the opposite direction). This is indicated by the latter’s holy faith in the fact that he is talking to his boss on real work phones, well, that’s how he sees them, as well as the clouding and memory lapses that suddenly occur after the end of the call, which is strange, but still convenient for Diavolo, what a goddamn lucky coincidence, huh? I don't think alters are able to perform such tricks. Mystical supernatural shit number 5.

In the SCR arc, characters mutually switch bodies with closest persons. What's going on with Diavolo in that situation? He, like a self-respecting individual soul newly revealed to the audience (!), not like everyone else, not like a sucker, "attached" to someone else’s soul (it was kind of similar with Doppio before), and for time secretly sit happily in one body for two. And now, this is no longer a person suffering from DID (that is, a soul with, in our case, an ego split in two (that's PSYCHE thing)), but a whole separate being, moreover, also capable of ruling his soul as he pleases. Mystical supernatural shit number 6.

We will need some of the things from the previous point now. At the end of the arc of Ciocolatta and Secco, Diavolo not only immediately knows from somewhere that Bruno can only see souls, but he also, in order to make Doppio look like Trish for him, lends him a fucking piece of his (let me remind you, separate, like we have already found out) soul. A piece of his soul, God damn it! He (again) not only knows some unreal information about souls, he, as already said, is able to manipulate at least his own. Mystical supernatural shit number 7.

His eyes (iris and pupil), already extremely unique in themselves, are the eyes of his entity, but not his body. When he takes control of someone's body it is visible, when Bruno is in his body it is visible. Worth a mention. Mystical supernatural asshole number 8.

The last, probably the most interesting mystical, but not so supernatural screw-up lies in a small detail: when the souls of the characters in the final battle return back to their bodies, we are shown all of them, except for Diavolo's (well, more precisely they showed King Crimson as it, but this doesn't count (otherwise Diavolo is KC, lol)). Coincidence? I don't think so. More likely it was done on purpose, and this is not even attributed to the supposedly yet another creation of an aura of mysticism around his personality - at this point we seem to already know very well what he looks like... Or we don't, actually?

Conclusion

That's all, actually. The bottom line is the same: Diavolo is something supernatural, I don’t presume to say what he is exactly. This is probably all the fairly significant evidence (meaning those that are less than half conjecture) that I had. There were a lot of strange things in JoJo, inspired by some things from the real world, and then blown up to the point of "incredibility," but here they tried to tie it into some kind of pseudoscientific nonsense that I didn’t believe in. In any case, this is not the first "spirit" in this universe (it’s worth remembering Anubis), so this theory, I think, is more than valid.

So thank you for reading, it's open for discussion, since we'll never know the truth for sure (DID was the assumption of the characters of Vento Aureo, and they called it "assumption" themselves (I want to believe with all my soul Araki fooled everyone, being an unreliable narrator so Diavolo will be even more of an enigma)).

[adamnablelittledevil]

Just finished Part I of The Vampire Lestat and here are my first impressions (I skipped IWTV *for now* since the show has already covered it... I'll read it eventually):

I can't tell yet if I like it or not.

So far, I enjoy the concept and the characters seem to be compelling. In terms of eventfulness, there hasn't been much, but I do have some interest in these people. They all appear to be complicated and have a lot of baggage, which I guess makes them appealing and gives the story potential. Let's see where this goes.

I don't hate, but I also don't love Anne's writing style. I don't think she narrates and describes things very well, she lingers on stuff I don't care that much for and doesn't provide details on things I'm actually curious about? There are some abrupt changes that annoy me sometimes as well.

I do believe this might be an attempt to get ourselves in the mind of Lestat and how he process to the world around him, though? It would make sense considering how chaotic he is.

Another thing I like is how he got so obsessed with the 20th Century, music and theater. The descriptions really give me the idea of someone experiencing the world for the first time (in a while) and considering how isolated he was growing up or after everything that happened with Louis/Claudia, it makes sense that he is so fascinated by all these discoveries. And it's really immersive and sweet to see how he in awe he is with all of it.

He also speaks like he is somebody born in the 1700s. So I give her credits for that as well.

Pretty sure Lestat is neurodivergent at this point (ADHD is basically a yes from me, maybe he has dyslexia and/or autism too).

And his memory is trash. So often he doesn't know if he actually did something, or if it were someone else, or if it was just a thought... I'm like, ARE YOU OKAY (he isn't)? By the way, this is painfully relatable because I also have poor short (and long-term) memory. Heaven help him (and moi).

That boy is a water sign if I've ever seen one.

He cries A LOT. I don't remember ever seeing any (book/show/movie) character cry that much, specially in such a short time lol. And the fact this is coming from a man and not a woman... There you go with defying gender norms, king!

Lestat having Borderline Personality Disorder isn't even a headcanon at this point, but a FACT.

He probably hasn't been hugged enough times in his life and it SHOWS.

Even with the abuse in his family, his frustration with his mother and the "malady of mortality", he manages to stay optimistic in a way that feels so childlike and naive that makes my heart warm and ache for him. I'm like, you deserve better.

Again, I don't know if I'm enjoying or not, but I do like the fact I can imagine Sam's Lestat doing all of this on season 3. Picturing Sam bringing these moments to life is the BEST PART of the reading.

Would I still read these books if the show never existed? That's what I need to find out.

I can see why some people got so invested in this character, though. At least for now. Some stuff hit close to home and I find myself rooting for him. I imagine that for the ones who read it at as a teenager, it must've made them feel less alone and seen to some extent.

At this moment, it's Lestat > Gabrielle > Nicholas for me.

Lestat's father isn't a person I care about, but depending on how the show adapts him, I guess it could be a good opportunity for a blind actor. It would be killing two birds with one stone, because it would develop Lestat's backstory, but also give space for a category that barely gets any job in the industry. I would love to see a powerful guest star that is a an actual disabled person playing a disabled character. Sure, we would hate him, but if someone manages to show their potential, book more roles and maybe even earn an award or nomination, why not?

Whenever Lestat talks about kissing his mother I get confused if the incest is already happening or not lol. Because I normally would just imagine a platonic kiss on the cheek or forehead and I haven't seen anything explicitly inappropriate. I don't know if it's because I'm reading the Brazilian Portuguese version, or if Anne wasn't that clear, or maybe I'm slow and naive, but nothing big seems to have happened? But I'm familiar with those spoilers, so... Anyway, whatever. It's not like I was counting the days to read about incest, so I don't really care about it being evident or not. I just mean that for now they seem to be more of a "parent that didn't want kids, but cares for him in a distant, but still real way and child that seeks for any crumbs of love and affection" kind of relationship.

Speaking of that, Lestat is SO DESPERATE for love, omg. Nicki was basically the first person besides his mother that was nice to him and he told the guy ALL OF HIS LIFE STORY AND FELL IN LOVE almost immediately? Get up!

Peak BPD/ADHD/maybe autistic/water sign/Scorpio behavior. MY GOD.

Still don't know how to picture Gabrielle and who I fancast playing her. I do think I have some sense of who she is now, which is nice. I also have some actors that could pass for Sam's parent and have the appropriate age to play her in my mental library, but I can't form a face yet. Not the face of a real actress or even an imaginary face, it's just a blur so far. Which sucks because I loooooooooove imagining fancasts, specially for a show as great as this one, but I'm just waiting for the revelation to come to me lmao.

[musicoftheheart]

Fave Marauders song? ☣️

hi! okay, so im assuming you mean a song i associate with each marauder? (this is a long answer ahaha, i like to talk)

also, if you want me to do more of these for any other characters or any ships, let me know!! this was a lot of fun to think about and write <333

ill start with james. the first song (because i cannot just pick one) would have to be 'peace' by taylor swift. hes a bundle of energy, and he tends to act before he thinks (see: wand left on couch.) "[danger's] just around the corner darling, cause it lives in me. no i could never give you peace." but also hes a lover, and he would do anything for the people he cares for. "im a fire and ill keep your brittle heart warm if your cascade ocean wave blues come" etc. theres still that little bit of uncertainty in him though; "would it be enough if i could never give you peace?" its him.

similarly, though, i think of him when i hear 'epiphany' from the same album. idk if its because i associate it with the first wizarding war and therefore james, but i just- its him. it just is.

i also hc james to have some level of mental health struggles, whether it be anxiety, depression, or bipolar disorder. so, in my head, both 'talk too much' (specifically the ramble/bridge) and 'gemini moon' by reneé rapp scream james potter. i think 'gemini moon' would be something he'd try to hide relating to, because in his head hes supposed to be perfect, hes supposed to be a rock for everyone else. hes the golden boy of gryffindor tower, yknow. these also feel more like they relate to the modern/muggle aus i like to read though

on a similar note: 'mirrorball' by taylor swift. hes always putting on this show to make people smile, to help people, to make them laugh. he adapts to be what people need, but when he finally snaps, when everything just becomes too much, he doesnt just break - he shatters. "i know they said the end is near but im still on my tallest tiptoes" this could also relate to the war; he knows voldemort is targeting him, lily, and harry, but hes still trying to keep positive. "they called off the circus, burned the disco down" all the joy from hogwarts is gone because of the war but "im still trying everything to get you laughing at me" he wants to keep people smiling. he wants people to have hope.

also, although im trying to avoid ships, major shoutout to pretty much every jeremy shada song to exist, because theyre so james potter-coded regarding his love life and the way he loves people

alright, imma move onto sirius before i ramble too far. this first song ties a little into james though - 'seven' by taylor swift. specifically, james talking to sirius about his family and inviting him to live with the potters instead. have a listen and youll agree

still on his relationship with his family, sirius is definitely a 'family line' by conan gray sort of guy. he would scream it at the top of his lungs.

furthermore, sticking w conan gray, i love 'found heaven' as a sirius song, too. after spending so much of his life being told all the things wrong with him, only to discover his sexuality - yet another thing i think he'd have issues accepting about himself - he eventually does find that acceptance. "youll never get your mama's wedding ring. father always said you ruined everything. but you prayed, begged and prayed, heart unchanged" "dont be scared little child, you're no demon" "your heart is breaking as you leave that door. you never meant to start this holy war. but youre trapped, pack your bags, dont look back" just all of it. its him.

on a more positive note, though, i see 'boys & girls' by conan gray as his song too. again, im trying to keep away from talking about specific ships and focus on the individuals, but this works even more if you ship wolfstar. imagine remus singing this about sirius. as much as we all like to say remus is a cassanova of gryffindor, hes a lanky nerd covered in scars. he isnt typically/stereotypically "attractive", not like sirius. sirius, who is saught after by many, but never dares to look at his friend like that, because how could he? theyre friends, and thats all. right?

that leads nicely into remus. i dont have as many options to hand for remus as james and sirius, so ill just go through all that i can remember off the top of my head. most obviously: 'the view between villages' by noah kahan. i feel like i dont even need to explain this one. its all him. you could look at it from the beginning of poa when he returns to hogwarts, or you could look at it from when he goes back to hogwarts to fight in the final battle to ultimately die. either way, its him.

god okay i know i said i want to avoid ships but i just have to throw this in here. 'in the kitchen' by reneé rapp is so remus after he loses sirius, either to azkaban or the veil. give it a listen and tell me im wrong.

its a bit of a sad one, but 'the next right thing' from frozen 2 is kinda giving me remus vibes. like, especially after the first war, all his friends are dead, or traitors. and now dumblefuck is asking him to come back to hogwarts to teach his dead friends' son? what else was he to do but drag himself out of his misery and put harry first? he didnt have his friends left to fight for anymore, but he could still make a difference for harry.

'memories' by conan gray is also giving remus. i could see it being about sirius maybe coming to him after he escapes azkaban or after the prank, but i actually see it more as his thoughts after dumblefuck visits him to get him to teach at hogwarts. obv not every line of the song, but the main idea of it. "i wish that you would stay in my memories, but you show up today just to ruin things. i wanna put you in the past cause im traumatised, but youre not letting me do that"

that was... a much smaller amount of songs for remus than i thought i had. does anyone have any suggestions?

for peter, i had to do a little more thinking, honestly. 'i almost do' by taylor swift makes me think of him bc like, do you ever think peter considered trying to reach out to remus at all during those 12 years between james' death and sirius' escape from azkaban? i know it probably would not have gone well for him if he had but like... ive thought about it.

similarly, 'miss you' by conan gray. does peter have regrets about what he did? maybe. is he allowed to miss his friends after what he did? maybe. so much of this song does feel like what peter might have been thinking following the betrayal. "is it wrong to now decide i miss you?" yeah, maybe buddy.

but then maybe he wouldnt have, yknow. so my next thought was 'crossing the line' from tangled the series. its so incredibly peter & james coded (with james as rapunzel)

on a more fanon side of things, i think my answer would be 'bruises' by reneé rapp. if we're going with the whole thing where sirius especially, but the other marauders as a whole treat peter as lesser (i dont think thats canon, and honestly im not a huge fan of the hc either, but its still something i now associate w peter) then 'bruises' really captures how he'd feel. "all my friends make sweet fun of me...sure im down to be the joke, metaphorically though you could flip me inside out and it would show black purple and green" its his song if you hc this

finally, i put forward 'run' by taylor swift and ed sheeran. i want to think that, before turning to voldemort, peter tried to convince his loved ones to just escape the war. leave it for someone else to fight and die in. he wanted to survive, and he wanted his friends to survive too, if he could. ultimately, his friends wanted to stay. james and sirius had been wanting to join the order more than anything after they graduated, and remus felt he owed a debt, if nothing else. they werent going to leave or sacrifice their moral compass to save themselves. so peter ran, alone.

im going to leave it here for now, but again please feel free to ask for more characters or any ships!! i have songs for a couple other characters, i think, and a few ships, so ill do my best to answer what i can <33

[offender42085]

Post 1150

“... You took her life for no apparent reason, other than that she bit your finger.” --Judge

Charles Reese Karn, Wyoming inmate 34943, born 2003, incarceration intake November 2023 art age 20, sentenced to life

Murder

In October 2023, a Cheyenne man who pleaded guilty to second-degree murder for strangling his girlfriend to death was sentenced to life in prison.

Charles R. Karn was sentenced by District Judge Catherine R. Rogers, who gave him a life sentence without any qualifications for minimum prison time. The sentence was more strict than the recommendations made by the assistant district attorney for the case and Karn’s public defender.

Karn was arrested in June 2023 after Phoenix Cerenil was hospitalized. At his arraignment in September 2023, Karn pleaded guilty to a second-degree murder charge in a deal that Public Defender Diane Lozano said she got for him.

At the sentencing, Karn was handcuffed, and 11 Laramie County Sheriff’s deputies were present in the courtroom. When she began the hearing, Judge Rogers asked that all lawyers remain seated at their respective tables “for security purposes.”

She added that she wanted to “minimize movement around the courtroom.”

Public Defender Lozano, when addressing the court about the defense’s sentencing concerns, said she would not call Karn’s family to address the court due to his mother’s previous interruption.

She began by saying that she would address the court in an unconventional manner, given the coverage of Karn’s case and his consistent desire to plead guilty.

“My client came to court today expecting a life sentence,” she told Rogers.

She added that Karn let her share the details of personal conversations she’d had with the defendant in order to give the court a better picture of his character.

“I felt that Mr. Karn and I had a connection,” she said.

Throughout her statement, Lozano made no apologies for the defendant’s actions, calling the statement he made during his guilty plea “honest” and “brutal.”

Later, Lozano said she wanted to clarify some confusion surrounding Karn’s second-degree murder plea. She said the defendant always intended to plead guilty to first-degree murder, and, as his defense attorney, she spoke to the state about an agreement to allow him to get a lesser charge in exchange for his willingness to plead guilty so quickly.

She offered to get Karn that agreement as early as his preliminary hearing, she added, but said that Karn wanted to attend that hearing because he did not want to seem like a coward to the Cerenil family.

She pushed back on the idea that the second-degree murder plea was a surprise to the state and said “it shouldn’t have been.” She added this case had the most misinformation and misunderstanding of her career.

Lozano continued her statements by saying that Karn had a number of characteristics that should be considered for his sentencing. She cited his age, childhood trauma, reduced mental capacity, acceptance of responsibility, remorse, potential for change and value as a human being when defending him.

She presented details previously not heard in court about Karn’s childhood trauma at the hands of his biological father, going back to when he was 4. She also said Karn had had two stints at the Wyoming Boys’ School in Worland, which she said took a serious toll on his mental health and may have negatively impacted his ability to improve.

“We have a system that generally works for most kids,” she said, adding that Karn was too “complex” and that the system didn’t work for him.

She continued by saying that, if criminal charges he faced at the Boys’ School had never happened, he might have been able to get treatment, and they would not have been in court that day.

“I guess that makes me sad,” she said.

She also said a psychiatric specialist said Karn likely had a trauma and stress disorder, anxiety, potential obsessive-compulsive disorder, attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder, a developmental disability and an impulse control disorder that might have contributed to his behavioral problems.

She concluded by saying that Karn’s family believes he has changed and asked for a sentence of 20 years to life with credit for time served, adding that Karn still seemed like a “kid” to her.

“He is but a child,” she said. “He’s a child that’s done horrible things, and he will face the consequences.”

After a brief recess called by Judge Rogers to decide if Karn would share a statement, the defendant gave a speech, restating his guilt and culpability to the court.

“I have a lot of emotions,” he said. “I feel lonely now that I took Phoenix’s life. ... I took somebody that had a family. ... Phoenix did not deserve what I did to her.”

He said he was sorry, but did not ask for forgiveness, and acknowledged that he was “selfish” and that “saying sorry will never bring her back.”

Judge Rogers told Lozano, when determining Karn’s sentence, that she did not see many factors that weighed in Karn’s favor.

“While there are mitigating factors,” she said, “in this court’s estimation, they are few.” Rogers called Karn’s series of offenses, culminating in Phoenix’s murder, an “enduring” crime spree.

“When I review your juvenile history, I conclude that every effort was made,” she said, “to allow you to return to and remain within the community, to receive rehabilitative services in the community. ... When I read your (criminal history) ... I conclude that you squandered every opportunity.

“... You took her life for no apparent reason, other than that she bit your finger.”

4f