#let them live on in our hearts
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I have worked 5 days in a row (Friday through to Tuesday) and I'm so sad about Swaymark getting split up I genuinely shed tears
#series: unch4rted work related issues#series: unch4rted is a bit zonked#series: unch4rted is abusing himself lmao#nhl#nhl hockey#nhl goalies#boston bruins#linus ullmark#jeremy swayman#swaymark#swaymark hugs#rip swaymark#i love them#let them live on in our hearts
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If I could hold you for a minute, Darling, I’d go through it again
For @edsbacktattoo & @stedesearring 💕 Show: Our Flag Means Death - Season 1 & 2 Music: Francesca by Hozier YouTube
#ofmd#our flag means death#gentlebeard#stede bonnet#edward teach#ofmdedit#ofmdaily#ofmd source#ofmd fanvid#ofmd s2#ofmd edit#blackbonnet#ella’s edit#HAPPY BIRTHDAY JAMS ❤️#AND A BELATED HAPPY BIRTHDAY KAITLIN ❤️#i'm killing two (impossible) birds with one stone by dedictating this video to both of you absolute angels!!#jams i love you so much. you're so incredibly talented and hilarious and kind and amazing. i'm so grateful for you.#if you didn't live halfway around the world i would come over and give you the biggest and warmest hug#thank you for letting me scream in your dms all the time. whether it's about our pirate boys or your writing or cancellation hell™️#and just THANK YOU for being such a wonderful presence in my life#oh and kaitlin. lovely sweet kind kaitlin. the one we all love to call a human ray of sunshine because you're just THAT lovely#your little yellow hearts in the tags brighten my day every time i see them. whenever i talk to you you're just so sweet#thanks for every single lovely word. for every music rec. for every sweet message or ask. what a gift you are. ily!!!#speaking of gifts: i couldn't think of a more perfect song for the two of you than francesca#so i hope you like my little creation that i've put together. once again shoutout to#evil gang 😈
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A heap of Hyunjins for my fellow, favourite Hyunjin enthusiast💜💗 @hyunpic
#hwang hyunjin#hyunjin#stray kids#*hyunjin#i tried to include many short haired hyunjins because i know you love when he has short hair#gifs that i made hearts at for hours 👍🏾#I'd like to think I'm learning lol but these are still over the place quality wise but i hope you like them vilma!!!!#thanks for always letting me be insane in your tags and in your dms about the shared love of our lives mwah mwah mwah
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I FORGOT TO THROW OUT AFTER THE EPISODE RELEASED NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
#hand jumper#webtoon#sayeon lee#heron#ig??? BRUH..................#these fireworks are going to SET ME ON FIRE!!!!#but that's alr i guess!!!!!!!!!#because charcoal grilled prawn literally solves all my problems#before thinking about killing people i need everyone to sit down and think of their favourite food#and manifest the version of them that has it!!!!!!!!#maybe then all compulsions and intrusions of the mind can just go away#what if we all just pictured better versions of ourselves and just did it!!!#if we all stretched out our hands and tried we can at least live in the world knowing we did try!!#and it's better than not trying!!!!! AND BEING USELESS PIECES OF ROTTING GARBAGE!!!!!!#idk i've had a shit three years man i don't think i can take this any longer#IGNORE THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#AND INSTEAD NOW LET'S THINK OF THE GOODIES YOU'RE GONNA GET IN TWO WEEKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#or now if you offer up your wallet to OUR LORD AND SAVIOUR sleepacross#and for the SMALL price of 5USD that's right 5USD!!!! this is to the people with credit/debit cards ofc#YOU CAN ACCESS THE GOATACROSS QNA BECAUSE IT IS PEAK!!!!!!#but just because the juninators[on here in case they aren't in the server] need to hear this so we can all sing happy birthday to her#INSTEAD OF MISSING IT FOR TWO YEARS#AND HAVING A WHOLE WINTER/CHRISTMAS COMPETITION IN DISCORD WITH MEMES AND ALL WITHOUT THIS CRUCIAL INFORMATION!!!!!!!#I THINK BECAUSE I KEEP THESE IN TAGS IT'S SAFE TO SAY THAT HER BIRTHDAY IS DEC 24TH AND WE SHOULD ALL SAY HAPPY LATE/HAPPY EARLY BIRTHDAY#TO OUR BELOVED QUEEN JUNI CHANG#BECAUSE NOW I JUST SHAFTED A 40K WIP I NEVER FINISHED FOR LAST YEAR'S WINTER SEASON FOR THE CHRISTMAS EPISODE OF 2024 IN THE RECYCLE BIN!!#BUT NOW WE CAN GIVE HER QUINTICE THE AMOUNT OF GIFTS THIS YEAR!!!!!!!!!!! SO LET'S DO THAT INSTEAD!!!!#ONE FOR HER BIRTHDAY!!!! ONE FOR CHRISLER!!! ONE FOR CIVIL SERVICE APPRECIATION DAY!!!!!#ANOTHER FOR BEING PEAK MENTOR!!!!! AND ANOTHER ONE FOR BEING GOD'S SILLIEST SOLDIER!!!![in our hearts!!]#APOLOGIES AS ALWAYS IF YOU MADE IT THIS FAR HERE!!!! AND A GOOD EVENING TO YOU ALL!!!!
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campfire nights 🏕️
#our wonderland#art: ow#art: iggy#art: genzou#art: genzy#dragon's dogma 2#dd2#dragon's dogma#ok this is definitely the sappiest line of all...#and he always says this when he's got the biggest most smitten grin on his face#and blushing like crazy#sob sob sob#all he wants it to live happily with iggy#for time to stop and they could just live in peace together#no dragon to fight no people to save no story to finish#just the two of them around their little fire enjoying a moment of repose#i like to make iggy sit on the ground by the fire thanks to a mod i have that lets me hotkey in-game animations#if i place him just right it looks like they're doing this (in the drawing) and it's so so so sweet#sometimes i'll just sit them like that and enjoy the ambience for a few minutes#my heart...#this series of drawings is really helping my art lakjdfasd#been drawing so many new interesting poses and angles and lighting that i've never tried before#a lot of fun#carrot plays dd2
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so with echoes of wisdom .. i havent watched any of the trailers beyond the very first one and the thumbnails/screenshots and what others have said about it-
but with the world inside the rift being called "Welt des Nichts" aka "world of nothing/void" in german ('still' in english, for some reason) and demises title in french being "avatar of nothing" ... yeah my anxiety is shooting through the roof again
(hopefully you can be a little more forgiving for me being anxious/weird about it bc demise is my blorbo)
i had similar worries with totk, that werent proven true thankfully, but the darn book is making it all worse again with all those weird lore things the game doesnt even so much as hint at AND potential retcons- im in for a really rough time huh, not just stress in real life (more in tags.. its alot) but now about my specific hyperfixation from two things even (AND artblock still..)
weird as it may sound, i dont want demise to get more lore, partly bc i dont believe theyd do anything with him that i would like (given their track record) but much more importantly- the fact that he has this little lore about him is precisely one of the reasons why i fell in love with him, i tend to like characters that are neglected by the narrative, and his story being both so flat and already done meant i can be very creative with what i come up with for him without necessarily contradicting anything in canon (which is ... or was a big point of how i wrote destiny's story and lore, working with canon in a way that reframes it all without straight up ignoring it ... but i suppose i urgently need to let go of that and accept i spend alot of time working things that will go to waste :( ) AND not having to worry that there will be more stuff with him that would massively change not only what im writing but also potentially how i feel about him since the game he was briefly in was the oldest chronologically and ended with his death- i didnt expect them to mess with anything that far back and thought theyd just go forward and leave the timeline behind and wouldnt mess with it again, given how botw seemed to be a sort of 'fresh start' that seemingly regarded the past as the past that needs to rest and that the timeline was finally no longer a discussion if everythings unified through botw and one thing going forward
but i suppose i was very wrong with that .__.
right now the only thing that motivates me still is the left over determination and spite to work on my zelda comic, since i have never gotten this far and really want to get something done for once, but i cant lie that im feeling like i should pause all work on it too to wait and see waht the book and the new game will do .. either to determine if i still have the will to keep working on it after those things are out (my love for tloz has been taking alot of hits lately ..) or if i have to change stuff (mostly bc of my lore problem trying to not ignore it ..)
#ganondoodles talks#zelda#ganondoodles rants#sorta#suicide attempt mention in the IRL stuff im talking about in the following tags btw#theres some construction stuff on our house going on#and my father is extremely stressed about it#he used to be very explosive- being silent and then exploding out of nowhere .. probably left me with lasting damage yippie-#but now he much more lets it eat at himself bc hes old and feels bad for the past stuff so now it makes him irritated and depressed#my older brother is the most normal cis straight guy you can imagine and incredibly impatient and bossy (you CANNOT talk with him)#(brother doesnt live in our house)#and while hes helping out hes doing it exactly how my father doesnt like and since you cant talk to the guy (explosive +200) it stresses hi#to the point of my father yesterday saying that “it would have been better if i had just died back in the day”#likely referring to the time when he was drafted for the military against his will and tried to kill himself#which i learned only like .. a year ago- theres so little my parents tell me ....#its like my mother telling me- while my father was in hospital for heart surgery- that she not only almost died back when i was a young tee#and only survived bc of some incredibly unebelievable lucky coincidences (medics on a travel being there that knew what she had-#-while our local doctors said welp- nothing we can do lady AND them beign there with a helicopter and emergency transferring her#to antoher bigger hospital while giving her immediate treatment our local one didnt do- AND at the big one just so happened to have-#-an expert on that illness in the facility when she arrived who was able to narrrowly save her life#BUT ALSO while she was recovering and weak and frail as a dust bunny witnessing someone stealing hospital surplies-#not noticing she was in the room at first (which .. the nurses left her in the nurse room while going on break ... which uhm .. yeah cool)#and if my mother hadnt acted in time like she was fully asleep and the lady stealing stuff beign in hurry- she might have killed her#without my mother being able to fight back bc she could barely even talk (the nurses didnt want to believe her when they got back either)#ANYWAY that comment from my father brough me to tears#and my mom is trying out more ... other medication shes not prescribed in hopes of it helping agaisnt her many pains#but i worry it will interact with the other stuff shes on ...#and i worry so much about both of their mental and physical well being#always trying to be the one to calm them down or help with communication bc that is a big problem in this houesehold#but i myself am also a very much not normal and not medicated shut in who has trouble dealing even with my own feelings
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i think growing up is just life repeatedly sucker punching you and saying bitch you thought things were gonna better lmao no you're so naive and stupid for having hope in 20 years the world will be flaming bag of garbage and no matter how hard you work you'll get eliminated at some point
#and then you just have to get up and keep living anyway because what else is there to do?#but man my heart keeps feeling heavier with every blow#2024 has literally been the worst year ever god personally too#like everytime i think it can't possibly get worse than this it does#i remember literally 9th jan i had such a horrible breakdown in an auto because the first friend i ever made#after school was leaving my work and therefore my life#9 days into the year. seriously. and i was so happy on 8th because it was my birthday#i don't know im trying hard to think okay this doesn't even affect me it's fine im privileged enough that even my own countrys politics#barely affects me#but just. india is already so behind in everything. if developed nations are doing shit like this then well#it will never get better right like who do we even strive to be#i want to get more into indian politics but my god. it's so horrifying and depressing all the time#like i remember resolving to follow politics closely few years ago and the first news#i read was about some minister talking about how girls skirts lengths IN SCHOOL is the reason boys do sa and boys will be boys etc etc#i know i could just follow business news stuff like that god knows it'll help in my field but it just. doesn't resonate with me doesn't#make me feel anything at all. like i so desperately want to care about ooh stock markets and how to grow your money etc etc#but when i think about being rich enough to invest idle money all i can think is sitting in my own home peacefully#drinking a glass of cold coffee and just being able to breathe freely because me and my sister used to joke in childhood#when dad went thru a coffee v bad for health phase and he wouldn't let us drink it so we would drink it very sneakily#at night when he was asleep or went out for an hour and make absolutely no noise while mixing the sugar. we said that we know#we'll* know we have achieved true freedom and happiness in life when we can peacefully drink cold coffee in the hall and not secretly#in the dead of night in our room#i don't even know what im talking about and my period is late again and nothing is working and my lazer focus#that i had built in the past few weeks is gone because suddenly im like what is the point????#i just don't understand how the fuck humans can fight over stupid fucking things like who is kissing who and who is doing what with their#body instead of focusing on collective issues like our planet is dying so fucking fast and every summer is getting impossibler to survive#i hate that the united states control the UN fuck this world fr man i hate being born in such horrible helpless times#like call me a kid or dumb or whatever but i cannot understand how MILLIONS of people do not#have sympathy for ppl around them and who don't care about the planet at all like how????? how did you grow up????#not trying to boast but this is so natural to me!!! didn't you make save water save earth posters in school!!! didn't anyone
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"Biden is the best choice and he's actually really empathetic and reasonable but also you can't wait for a candidate that won't do genocide and war crimes because to become a presidential candidate you have to be willing to do that" see what you fundamentally don't understand is I'm not waiting for a candidate that won't do war crimes, because I know that. I cannot morally stomach this system, it's a joke to claim its democratic, and AMERICA DELENDA EST. this country is a plague on this Earth
#cipher talk#It's baffling because okay so you know how fucked up this is but you're behaving in a way that clearly indicates you want that this shambli#Disgusting empire to cling to life until after you're dead because it'd make /you/ uncomfortable and inconvenienced#To live through its destruction (the wealthier classes and more privileged experience lesser material changes in state collapse so long as#They aren't too highly ranked/involved in politics. A Sri Lankan wrote an article specifically addressing Americans about this)#It's so dehumanizing! People's blood is so cheap to you! You've just accepted its inevitable that genocide will happen!#Because of how the US operates! You can see no other future! It hardly matters to you!#You say this like the death of Palestinians of Yemenis of Syrians is someone else's dropped ice cream cone#You understand why people hate this country and you understand we deserve it but it just. Hardly matters to you#It feels like madness to watch this. It's disgusting#I keep thinking- it'd be so easy for you to justify my people being killed if violence broke out and it was in your favor#It's unlikely because. Well. America loves 'the church of the martyrs'#But you'd do it if that was favorable. You wouldn't think twice. You might feel a twinge in your heart but that's all#Because we aren't people to you!#We aren't all that important! Not important enough for you do anything more than 'well let's vote a blue in and do some protests'#What's a protest worth if you perpetuate the system and can't see a way out and don't try for a way out?#That's killing a man then putting flowers on his casket. It's /perverse/.#You get used to the idea that Africans die that West Asians die and that's just the way of the world. My g-d do you understand anything??#I watch necrosis take hold my parts of my culture and I watch every good person I know be ground to dust under a military regime#I talk to my friend who got drafted and is trans and may never come out because if they do they can get arrested as a 'prostitute'#I watch the wild hope for the future I was introduced to over radio at 9 years old wither#I watch people risk it anyway because just past the fence they can see they know there are people there#I watch my neighbor to the south crumble and weep because our hands are bloody and it's in part because we bloodied them for the west#And you just think that's how things are.#Fascist white death cult mindset
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rip Magnus Carter you would have loved causing problems for the general public and also not having mad cow syndrome
#i heart that funky bisexual boy#fun fact he's a spiderman oc that got into some complications with cannibalism and morbius. those two things are unrelated i just wanted to#clarify. hes not a good guy lmao#imagine if spiderman wasn't really spiderman but he was some random ginger teenager living in the sewers 'communicating to the spiders' who#he feeds by dragging helpless strangers into the sewers and letting the spiders eat them ! so basically spiderman already kind of exists#in his universe but he's like. a weird freaky villain guy varient of them somehow? I couldn't think of any weird spide rvillain names so he#is just kind of known as The Spider or The Spider King but I'm also a big nerd for greek myths so I kinda wanna make him be known as Arachn#anyways the way that he's technically kind of like spiderman is because he was bit by these weird carnivorous sentient spiders that were#experimented on by some big company probably oscorp and they tried to eat him but when they bit him he got the silly powers and so they wer#like 'ooooh! he is the one we follow! please feed us human flesh little human boy!' and so he listened to them because the poison that gave#him the powers in the first place was already incredibly corrosive so it very much made him a lot more physically ill than he already was#but the spiders were like 'noooo what we have no idea whats going on just take some more of our acidic blood so you can be all powerful !'#even though that was killing him anyways eventually skipping over a lot of stuff i dont have time to yap about he figured out that he could#control the spiders kind of in a way? idk i made this when I was an emo middle schooler ignore this if it's cringe but anyways spiderman#kind of started realizing what was going on so he ended up kinda having to fight that guy and he ended up killing his Gwen Stacy and since#this spiderman doesn't have a no kill rule he kinda killed him :p theres more lore for him but that's just his universe's magnus#carter lore anyways sorry for infodumping I got excited and silly cause I haven't gotten to yap about him in so long#I really like it when villains are genuinely horror novel level disturbing if that makes sense for why he's so fucked up and weird#oh also the morbius thing is for a different version of him ! I may yap about that version of him at a future date
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you’re not the only one who has spent the past days thinking about olliallu kisses 😩 but aaaaaaaaa tipsy kisses 😭🥺💕 and some hotel room cuddles after a show 💗🥺 and them trying not to get caught in the tour bus 👀
and I gotta admit I also thought about them sharing some secret kisses in the Aleksi’s home studio while his partner is home (but it wasn’t their intention!! it just happened)
oh god these two are just made to share cute, loveydovey kisses with each other aren't they 😩
hhmmhmhmmhmhmhmhmh yesyesyes this is so very mhmhmhmhm 👀👀👀👀 alsooooooo can we discuss the turmoil of finally realising you've fallen for a bandmate, like, they've spent weeks, maybe months just trying to ignore this stupid feeling they may or may not have (or, alternatively, trying to understand it, but they can't quite grasp it) and trying to rationalize and come up with other explanations for it, and then they have a hot, spur-of-the-moment making-out session while ever-so-slightly wine drunk and they're like oh shit oh fuck oh shit am I ACTUALLY falling for him oh no this is terrible 😭
'friends falling in love when they shouldn't' my most beloved angsty trope <3
#this is starting to feel like some sorta olli/allu support group 😂💗#on tuesdays we share our thoughts about them making out ✍️#(i don't mind in the slightest btw!! hell knows i need some place to let all this out 😩)#(and idk it's nice to know i'm not the only one who's like this 😂)#your last addition reminds me of this one hockey rpf fic i once read (and may have re-read a bunch of times)#in which two hockey guys who live in the same building get together to play video games#but actually end up wrapped around each other making out on the couch with the game forgotten#and the other has a gf waiting at home 💀#i am NOT pro-cheating of course but you gotta admit these kinds of situations make interesting stories#they don't MEAN to cheat okay?? it just happens they can't help what their heart wants 😭#...because LOVE happens 🥺 and sometimes love happens with a bandmate or a teammate 🥺 unintentionally and unexpected 🥺#obviously cheating is not any more acceptable even when there's actual love involved etc. blabla#it's all hypthetical talk anyway 😅#ollixallu#answered asks#sparfloxacin
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the shinji in a folding chair picture
#literally only God can save and I'm really praying that I'm already saved#He can say it over and over and over again and I want to believe#God save us from our own selves and hardened hearts#bring us into Your presence#please show us Your mercy#we need Your grace and Your mercy and to learn to walk the narrow road#please LORD. we need you so badly#I pray for the everyone who seeks fulfilment#that they will look for it in the only place that can satisfy them for all eternity: You#I pray they will accept what Jesus did for them#i pray that we will not lose You#It's a terrifying thought to be far from you#Please be near to us God#Let us let the Holy Spirit work on us#please help us God#Help us all#Help Your children grow and for the adoption of new souls#and let us all live in a way that we will not be thrown into the fire#in Jesus name we pray#Amen
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when you talk about the worst fandom, are you referring to the one that became something extremely toxic, or the one that you left very quickly Because it was clearly toxic, or is there another metric like 'did the most psychological damage' or 'turns out the creator was a n*zi all along so I can't even count it among my other experiences bc so many people chose to ignore it and proceed anyway and Fuck That!'
#silver jelly#in my heart there are 5 worst fandoms and i am talking about all of them when i am talking about Thee worst fandom as an abstract#concept . i know this isn't fair but we are all just amalgamations of our lived experiences you know what i mean .#and its like ok yes aot ignoring the imperialist shit was VERY bad especially as a jew but it just didn't have the same uhhhh je ne sais#quoi of all of my friends being sui baited by the most relentless block evaders ever forever in the tm fandom for [checks#notes] saying that a canon ship had viability .#i rp'd for over a decade an ended up quitting cold turkey bc those dbags were just soooo. like relentless doesn't cover it#it was ridiculous. it was the most vile shit i'd ever seen and im Not sheltered; i was in hs and kh and ffvii at their Primes#anyway i am inevitably reflecting and processing bc that's all my brain will let me do this time of year if im not like#fixated on Something and unfortunately im kinda not oooof
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I don’t know what a parasocial relationship is and at this point I’m too afraid to ask.
#I mean I sort of get it#but there is a mental block#it’s not all poisonous I guess!!!! sometimes you love people from afar!!!!! it’s okay!!!!!#reality will let you know when it’s time to let them go#I loved stonefield for YEARS and you know what it’s good they broke up because it got too intense#and I healed and moved on. but also like. love from afar isn’t inherently messed up and twisted#‘why woULd aNYoNe CAre ABouT ceLEBritIEs’#ummm idk because they’re human beings And have you met human beings they can be so funny and fascinating and charming#No amount of fame or ego undoes that and sometimes it just makes it more tragic#and like. I say this as someone who has (largely) moved on from caring about celebrities the way that I used to#because like. I needed to. And I needed to grow up#and learn to love the people in my life the most#and to understand who that was#and that it WASn’t Emma stone#But like. I loved her truly and a part of my heart still does#anyway like. all of our lives/loves need to be purified in the Sacred Heart#that is just how it goes#and that is the only way to never lose them#Cc: that cs lewis quote about how only in loving Him more than them can we love them more than we now do etc. etc.#anyway I can’t remember my point but like oh yeah sometimes you love people from afar and they’re special to you and like THAT’s OKAY#like yeah yeah blah blah equal healthy relationships that go both ways where you are also seen and loved yeah yeah#it just annoys me though#Life is about learning how to love deeply and purely#and you only learn that by loving#Reality will teach you!!! when it’s off balance a little and needs to adjust !!!!!!!!#something will smack you in the face#But the act of love is never wasted#Okay I DO know what a parasocial relationship is (sort of) I just hate the rhetoric#Love the things you love with your WHOLE heart!!!! Give your WHOLE HEART to things!!!!!!!!! Yes it will get broken!!!!!! That’s okay!!!!!!!#Do not choose disdain!!!!!!!! Do not let anyone tell you you can’t love people or things YES YOU CAN
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tried to sleep. failed. realized something I should’ve done differently with that video
#talkin to myself#I say that. but in reality I can’t stop thinking about Palestine and Sudan and Tirgay and Acapulco and Maine and -#the world is so full of hate. it is is so full of evil it is so hard to exist right now without guilt there is blood on my hands#there’s blood on all of our hands and it’s disgusting that we all just have to keep going about our lives#like oh whatever ! haha oh gotta work! gotta cook! gotta just exist in the world#and I get to say all this from the comfort of my bed which none of these people can say#I hate this country I hate Biden I am so glad I had the ability not to vote for him but fuck the cowardly reps of this state and Fuck Bernie#I am so tired of being a person I am so tired of the horrors I have lived through#but I have lived through them which others cannot say and I will not let my own guilt and sorrow and rage deter the hope that is so#so important and necessary right now in my heart I believe#from the river to the sea palestine will be free
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it's tag venting time
#i've had this friendship. of like. 5 years#and well#we used to be really really close#and in hindsight i guees it was because we literally saw each other for 8 hours straight every day of the week#and then that stopped happening#i literally haven't seen this person in about a year and a half i think? maybe more?#despite the fact that we basically live walking distance from each other. which. already says a lot#but then there's also a bigger issue. because hey i get it we're both busy ppl it's okay if qe haven't seen each other in a while#(despite the fact that in this case it is because of a lack of trying -i like to believe not on my part- but ignoring that)#we text sporadically when we have something to let off our chest so it's like this back and forth of voice notes every week or so#but lately its has turned into them sending me groups of 5-minute voice notes at a time because their life is so. so dramatic#and like. hey if this were still like a mutual communication i would enjoy it because i am indeed a good listener#and i like to believe i guve good advice. and i used to give this person good advice like. it was a nice friendship back then#but it became so one-sided as in i received info dumps and vents about the same stuff over and over and the few times i talked about myself#i received some half-hearted dismissals like. oh cool or oh that's so sad. anyways. and then we went back to talking about them.#and it was so frustrating but at first i thought well if they're gonna use me as a venting device so will i despite getting no input like#they became a void to me which i was getting gradually accustomed to it was fine. but then today they asked if i could talk on the phone#i said yes because i wanted to prove my theory. the plan was: i answer#let them talk without offering any input whatsoever. see how long they can just talk and talk and then in the end see if my lack of answer-#-elicited any reaction at all. and unsurprisingly it didn't. i waited for them to finish and then i thought#well at least they might ask me how my day was or something just to confirm i was listening like idk but#i personally would find the quiet unsettling and would ask.but they didn't even do that. asked me if i had homework i said yes. that was it#that was IT!!! i felt so frustrating but at least i was entirely correct and it does hurt to lose a friend but this had been coming#for a long long time. the thing is though i cant just cut this person off#i hate confrontation so all i cant do is keep up this sort of a 'quiet quitting' kind of attitude. pretty easy to do with someone like this#so anyway. that's how you realize a friendship is fake and now i am a bit angry and also sad. but i guess i'll deal with it and move on#if you read all this hi and sorry for the venting. i just had to get it off my chest#vent post
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#personal#so like ive been thinking about why i have this strange uncaring feeling about family during this vacation#i hate spending time with them i find them annoying and just not enjoyable to be around extended family is like having a customer talk to m#and bc of that i am the most insufferable person to be around. i dont have it in me to care about looking happy or being my best#i just exist i am here i am here with you and thats all it is to me. if i had a choice i would not be here.#they get mad with the way i am they dont like my indifference about everything we do but i am just LIKE that im honest about my feelings#it shows on my face and my voice. but i would never say anything bad outloud. so why does my body language matter anyways#i still think they should be happy im physically with them even if my heart is not so it should be enough...#i dont know when i stopped being happy around them#i think ive been this way for so long that i just have no room to really grow too much#and my friends and partners have a side of me that will never be shown to my family.#i feel two faced. but its not a bad thing#i wouldnt abandon them i respect what theyve done for me#but that doesnt erase the past.#... i understand it more. we have to live with our demons and the ghosts thay haunt us#but learning to not hold on to the hate and dread. not letting it kill you#thats. the hardest. part. because it comes back and it goes and its back and its gone#mmm#sometimes i do wish i could forget.#i would maybe be nicer.
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