#let alone from HRT

[fantastic-mr-corvid]

mmm actually now i am ready to play cecio again. in wotr where physiological torture doesn't hurt real people.

[hysteria-things]

SMILE! YOU’RE ON CAMERA.

𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠: soft dom!chris x fem!reader

𝐬𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲: after leaving your — now ex — boyfriend hanging, you’re too busy being occupied with something, perhaps someone, while he’s spamming your phone.

𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬: SMUT, swearing, oral (male receiving), slight praising, slight degradation, recording

𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐝 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭: 480

𝐚𝐮𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐫’𝐬 𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐞: i love how i said i probably won’t be active this week and this is the most active i’ve ever been LMAO

dennis.

you cannot be fucking serious, y/n.

don’t be a bitch.

you can’t just break up with me over text for no reason.

ANSWER YOUR FUCKING PHONE!

⋆⁺₊⋆ ❦ ⋆⁺₊⋆

“god.” chris exhales, mouth dangling open as your mouth swallows his cock in one go. his head falls back, eyes shut, and letting out a moan. “fuck.”

you, on the other hand, are on your knees; fully nude in his bathroom. your palms rest on your thighs, slowly bobbing your head. your mouth stretches at his size. it’s like you can feel every vein as your throat morphs into its shape. “suck my cock. just like that.” he breathes heavily. you hum approvingly, the bobs of your head intensifying. “that’s it. good fucking girl.”

dennis is your cheating ass boyfriend who you finally cut ties with moments ago, hence the continuous vibrations of your phone that lays on the bathroom counter. chris holds onto the edge, licking his lips and enjoying the view. he watches as his dick disappears past your lips so smoothly. his stomach is more toned, along with his muscles from panting so hard. brunette strands stick to his forehead from sweating so much. it’s a sight to see, truly.

“fuck.” he says again, this time dragging out the swear. “what a slut. getting over your ex by sucking off another guy.”

whimpering, your actions move more quickly. drool starts to dribble onto your chin, the gulping and gagging retracting off of the walls. it takes everything within chris’s body to not fuck your mouth. he wants to leave it all to you.

face scrunching up in pleasure, he moans loudly as his dick twitches from your warmth. the doe eyes you’re giving him are not helping.

“you’re going to make me cum if you keep looking at me like that,” he says between breaths, cupping your cheek to wipe the tear that fell with his thumb. you keep giving him that look, suckling at his tip that’s leaking with pre-cum. lifting yourself from his throbbing erection to breathe, a string of saliva connects you two before you go back in again.

his lower half starts to rut each time you meet his head. “you’re so fucking hot. shit, i’m about to cum.”

with that, his load shoots down your throat, the rest filling up your cheeks. you moan at how it tastes. he tastes incredible according to you.

instead of answering yet another incoming call, chris picks up your phone and opens the camera. he gets a nice view of your face that’s still stuffed, his unoccupied hand gripping the top of your head to pull you off. “smile for the camera, sweet thing.”

obeying, you smile wide — real wide — mind foggy and eyes hooded when you feel his cum drip down to your chest and onto your tits.

dennis will leave you alone after seeing that.

𝐭𝐚𝐠 𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭!

@bunbunbl0gs @lexisecretaccx @thy-mission @angelic-sturniolos111 @sophssturn @moncherriis @janiellasblog @blahbel668 @meg-sturniolo @mattslolita @sturnbaby @imwetforyourmom @tillies33ssss @sturnifyed @raysmayhem-72 @ripmattitude @p1xieswrld @alorsxsturn @multiluvr @delilahprentiss @tworosesblackthorn @luckistar-posts @gnxosblog @junnniiieee07 @flowerxbunnie @imaslut4kehlani @sturniolosandmoree @hearrtsturns @stars4matt @freshsturns @sturnlcvr @tpvmz @lalalands86 @sukiipjs @h3arts4harry @sturnioloblogs @creamoncreamoncream2 @ivyyyyyysposts @iluvm4ttsturni0l0 @mbsbaby @mattsdollie @thesturniolos @nononopenono1 @bitchydragonparadise @gdsvhtwa @hrt-attack @dwntwn-strnlo @venusbabysblog @meerkatzthings @bernardsbendystraws

[overtake]

if you’re still doing prompts: ⁹¹⁾ six missed calls

Car mechanic Daniel, driver Max.

Daniel’s brain pulses inside his head, kissing the fragile walls of his skull with every second he’s awake. His nose simultaneously runs out of one nostril and is stuffed up in the other. Even through his slightly blocked hearing, he knows his breathing sounds wheezy and congested.

He props himself up onto a shaky elbow and almost collapses with the motion. His whole body aches. There’s spine-chilling shivers sent through his bones one second and hot flashes the next. Groaning, he finally adjusts himself to a seated position and takes a second to regroup.

Reluctantly, he reaches for his phone to turn off do not disturb. He hates to call out of work, made worse by how nice Cyril always is about it. The garage is a lot for the two of them to handle, let alone Cyril by himself.

Daniel blinks when he realizes he has six missed calls from the garage. He’s definitely running a bit behind his usual schedule, but Cyril doesn’t set specific hours for him so long as Daniel gets his work done. There must be some emergency, which is fucking great. He’ll be taking medicine and going after all.

He sees spots when he stands to his feet, but he grabs his bedside table and manages to stay upright. He puts the phone on speaker and drops it on the bed while he pulls on the first respectably clean items of clothing he can find. Not like it matters, really. He’ll sweat through them within five minutes of working through this fever, and grease always seems to permeate their coveralls no matter what they do.

Cyril picks up in a state of panic — which, for him, still sounds remarkably calm and stable.

“We have an emergency repair,” he informs Daniel. “It’s going to take me all day, probably. I need you to cover everything else so I can get this done.”

“I’ll be there in fifteen,” Daniel promises, trying his absolute best to sound as if he’s not deathly ill. Cyril is too caught up in frantically relaying this emergency to Daniel, who has entirely tuned him out in pursuit of getting on pants without passing out and splitting his head open. He probably ends the call rather rudely into Cyril’s story, but he needs to focus all his attention on driving into work without a dizzy spell.

Cyril takes one look at him and tries to send him straight back home.

“No,” Daniel protests. “I’m good. I’ll go home if it’s still bad by midday, but I’m alright. You have that emergency repair for someone important.”

The reminder of this seemingly VIP client perks Cyril right up. “You would not believe who is in our office right now,” he says, dropping his voice to a low whisper.

Daniel shrugs. He probably can guess. A tiny auto repair shop on the outskirts of Perth doesn’t exactly attract high profile visitors. At best, it’s probably some dickhead politician or half-famous musician. They definitely have money, based on the nice ass car Cyril was working on when Daniel walked in.

“Go and look,” Cyril says excitedly, shoving Daniel toward the door that leads into the office space.

This mystery guy has his back to Daniel, bent over on his phone. Daniel sees broad shoulders and scruffy hair in that nebulous area between blond and brown.

It’s only when the guy turns around that he realizes he’s looking at Max Verstappen.

Daniel hasn’t paid actual attention to F1 in years. He did his time in Italy, tried to prove himself worthy of a real shot. He got it, too. He did races with HRT, made it two races with Toro Rosso, and then collapsed in the paddock before quali and was diagnosed with a heart condition. Manageable, they said. Shouldn’t affect his length or quality of life, so long as he took medication and stopped putting his body through the enormous strain of racing.

He’d considered saying fuck it and racing anyway. It felt more important to him than anything else at that time. To a 22-year-old with his dreams at his fingertips, he figured there was no quality of life without F1.

His mum, though — it would have destroyed her. He returned to Perth and laid uselessly in bed for two months, then found the closest job to cars he could stomach without driving himself mental over what he’d lost.

“Everything okay?” Max asks, twisting and facing his body toward Daniel when he hears the door open. His blue eyes widen when they take in Daniel, probably looking just as spooked as Daniel’s do right now. Daniel knows he’s sick, but he didn’t realize he looked atrocious enough to scare people.

“Hi,” Daniel says. His words come out phlegmy, and he tries for a casual cough to clear it. He can feel it’s not successful, but forges on. “Uh, I don’t know if Cyril mentioned it, but your repair is going to probably be an all-day thing. You don’t have to sit in here.” Then, panicked that he sounds as if he’s kicking Max out, he hastily clarifies. “Obviously, you can stay if you want. There’s just probably more exciting things to do.”

Max looks at him drily. “I don’t have a car.”

“Right,” Daniel says. “Like, no offense, but I think you’ve got the money to rent a new one.”

Max doesn’t look remotely offended. He laughs, something genuine and higher-pitched than Daniel expected.

“I’ve done all the tourist things anyway. I leave tomorrow. I don’t really mind just sitting here.”

“Alright, well. Just wanted to let you know.”

“Thank you, Daniel,” Max says. He has a nice smile, Daniel thinks, and admires the pink shape of it before Max turns back to his phone.

It takes his hazy brain ages to realize he never told Max his name.

Max hunches over his screen, shooting the odd glance at the door to make sure no one’s about to bust back through. He types in the Instagram handle he’s visited countless times over the years. Daniel Ricciardo, who shook his hand at a karting event with a big grin and imprinted himself permanently on Max’s psyche.

Max had spent ages on his dad’s computer after that collapse, refreshing the search over and over until a news article confirmed that Daniel was alive.

Daniel had faded in and out of Max’s memory in the years since, but he never left completely. Every so often, Max would look at his social media and watch the profile picture change with the times. Those pixels on a locked-down profile were the only documentation he had that Daniel was still out in the world somewhere and doing okay.

He didn’t come to Perth for Daniel. He didn’t even know if Daniel still lived here, for one. Plus, it would be incredibly creepy to track him down based on the foggy memory of a decade old karting event.

Max had watched back Daniel’s limited races, breathless at the raw potential. He’d wondered a few times what it would’ve been like if Daniel stayed and fought his way into Red Bull long enough for Max to race beside him.

Even still, he didn’t pick his vacation spot for Daniel. Subconsciously, maybe it influenced his choice, but he had two spare weeks after Melbourne and an ache to see something besides his white bedroom walls.

Fate, not Max, made his ludicrously expensive rental car break down in the Perth suburbs and brought him to Daniel’s garage.

He looks down at Daniel’s profile. 32 posts. A profile picture of him in a colourful bucket hat sipping a drink. No mutual followers, despite the countless people that connect them. Daniel didn’t make this page until he was out of F1, and Max assumes he blocked out that world entirely.

He hovers his finger over the follow button, then exits the app before he can make that kind of bad decision. Instead, he stands, pats his jeans to check for his wallet, and marches out the door toward the cafe a few doors down.

He thinks of Daniel’s raspy voice and ruddy, fever-red cheeks and hopes he likes soup.

[greatbigbellies]

I feel like there are some really fun/hot/cute things you can go with pregnant trans women and while this is far from an exhaustive list, I'm always campaigning for more tfpreg so allow me to share some ideas.

Trans lady who hasn't seen her friends in a while... like the better part of a year, finally getting the reunite with them after some effective rounds of HRT. Everyone's excited to see her after some time transitioning... but they didn't anticipate her waddling in with a full term belly. Her confidence has grown as much as her tummy, and the previously very reserved egg they knew has turned into a beautiful, proud trans woman who isn't afraid to turn heads or take up some space... and with such an impressive belly, she does both quite well. She revels in having her tummy rubbed by her friends, and is very open to answering questions about her pregnancy. Turns out she's not full term, just 7 months with twins.

Trans lady whos still working out the whole "dressing nicely in femme clothes" thing... it doesn't come naturally to everyone, and she's still figuring out her look. Getting pregnant only applied more pressure. Her anime graphic tees now don't even reach her navel. The jeans that she's had for YEARS now don't even pull up past her baby-weight-expanded butt, let alone button. She keeps underestimating the size of her belly, so the maternity shirts she brings home to try to remedy the issue are still too tight to really fit. Perhaps both most excitingly and jarringly, her breasts have expanded enough between the HRT and pregnancy that she went from being fairly flat chested to having a capital R Rack. Thankfully, she has a good support network who are going to intervene to fix her wardrobe. Just in time for the third trimester.

Trans lady who is full term and struggling with her size. She's not one of the stereotypical lanky, tall trans girls who can leverage some extra height to keep the belly from getting too in the way. She's 5'4", 41 weeks with a 10 pound baby, and she's had enough. She loves painting her nails but bending over to do her toes is basically impossible, and while she tries to keep her legs shaved, the third trimester has been rough. Thankfully, she has a very supportive partner who goes the extra mile to help her feel comfortable and pretty while she's carrying their kid. Boxes of chocolates, pedicures, gentile help applying lotion to her body... she's pampered and feminine, as she should be.

[koolades-world]

Hi hi! I’m sorta new to tumblr, but I really like ur blog so far <3! I wanna ask if you could do MC coming out to the brothers as trans? Transmasc preferred, but it’s okay for really any gender. I’ve been a little dysphoric lately (cuz I’m transmasc lol) and I know your fics and stories always cheer me up!!

hi! of course! this is a little late, but I hope this still helps. so glad to hear my silly writing cheers you up!

I do remember doing something similar to this but I don’t think it was specified as transmasc or transfem. if this is the same thing, we just have two now haha

Trasnsmasc Mc comes out

Lucifer

if you are going by a new name now, he wants to know

will make sure to update it everywhere in paperwork

he ensure everyone is aware of this change, and anybody who intentionally ignores it will suffer consequences

dead names are dead for a reason, and he wants make sure you feel respected

Mammon

he's the self proclaimed king of fashion

will help you add more gender affirming pieces of clothing to your wardrobe!

if you want, you can steal from his own closet

it can be shared custody clothing or not, he just wants to make you happy <3

Levi

will help you explore media and find your favorite trans characters!

he understands how comforting it can be to have your fav be relatable

he's always ready to listen to your rants and woes

the least he can do for you is be your diligent listener

Satan

if you're interested in HRT and or surgeries, he'll be by your side the entire time

you won't have to pay a cent because he insists on covering it for you. he's firm in his belief that feeling good about yourself should not be locked behind a paywall

he'll help you do your research but all final decisions are up to you

your body, your choice <3

Asmo

say it with me

cute and fun binders!

yes, of course he believes everyone should own neutrals of every type of clothing, just in case but he believes there should be fun counterparts to them too!

if you can't find a binder you really love, he'll work with raphael to make you one you adore!

Beel

if you want to look more masculine, he's more than willing to lend you some workout tips

if it's gender affirming, he will make sure to help you out

you can use his soaps if you want. he's more than happy to share with his favorite person!

he makes sure you're caring for yourself properly of course. he loves you so much

Belphie

he's very aggressive with making sure everyone is using your correct pronouns!

he doesn't even let accidents slide if they don't correct themselves (but of course, if they do, he doesn't get on them haha)

using the correct pronouns isn't that hard

he always includes his pronouns when introducing himself so you aren't the only one to do so and so you don't feel alone

[suchathrilltobeagirl]

To all my good friends and followers ...

Very soon, I will need to focus on my new book. I have to. I will be going 'away', I have to. But, Lord willing, I will be back!

I am so encouraged by the 'excitement' that friends and followers are expressing regarding my new book. I am excited, too. I have never felt this way about anything!

Mentally, and now emotionally, I am thinking, feeling and acting as a girl. Bar a tricky operation (!), to all intents and purposes, I now am a girl and I am accepted as a girl.

HOWEVER, there are many girls like me out there - just as I was - trapped in the fear of being 'discovered' (or worse 'outed'), fearing rejection, shame or abuse, feeling very alone, isolated, not knowing where to turn, who to turn to, not knowing what support or help is available, let alone where to find it.

In my first book, 'Night and Day', I shared my journey from a 6-year old boy who wanted to be a girl - but who was unable to start that journey until much later in life - through to starting HRT, seeing and experiencing the changes in my body that I had longed for all my life, and confronting the reality of finally becoming physically female.

Today, I am on a waiting list for sex reassignment surgery. This is a sobering place to be, exciting and terrifying in equal measure, and I want to share my thoughts, my hopes, and my fears in this new book!

Much love,

Katie xxx

[scrubbinn]

Mimic HRT: month 21 “Mended patience”

“Mx, are you alright? Is there something I could get you, water, earmuffs? You can ask if there's anything you need.”

“Huh? Oh, no water please. And I'm fine. It's just…”

“It's scary, right? Dealing with doctors I mean. I'd imagine being here is scary enough. Don't worry, everything will be ok. Now let's see… You're Jasmine, right? Jasmine Elwood? You use Gard/Graden neo pronouns, yes?

“Y-yes, that’s right.”

“It's a lovely name. You're a bit early, but I'll page Erian to check if he can see you now. You can take a seat if you like, and be sure to ask if you need assistance with anything.” 

“um, are you a therian? I'm in the right clinic, yeah? it's just, I thought there would be others working here.”

“I'm an otherkin. A mimic. Almost two years in at this point. I just like using my human form when I work. It's tough to maintain but it's harder to work a computer otherwise. I'm currently an assistant to Dr. Erian, and also the receptionist for the next few months after the last one suddenly quit. I swear the more I work here the more I wonder how this place managed to stay afloat for so long. Sorry, I don't mean to make this place sound bad or cheap. It's helped me quite a lot with becoming who I was meant to be. I'm sure you'll find exactly what you're looking for here.”

“...Thanks.”

“Oh, looks like the doctor will see you now. But one last thing before you go in. You can choose if you would like to meet Dr. Erian alone, or if you wish for an assistant such as myself to sit in with you to make sure everything is more comfortable-

“Yes. that. Please. Uh, if that's ok.”

“Sure thing! Please follow me.”

* * * 

“Hello. I'm Dr. Erian, and you would be Ms. Elwood, correct? Is that your actual family name? You'll need to use your real name or else there could be legal trouble. Eitherway, I’ve taken the time to read through most of the files that were transferred from your old provider. It seems you just entered your first year on a normal HRT which is good, we wouldn’t be able to give you this treatment otherwise. Now then, let’s take a look at the documentation you filled out for me. You should be grateful that we’ve now moved to an informed consent model due to certain clientele. Ahem, anyways, it says here you’re looking to become a golem? Odd, with your name I assumed you-

“Doctor. Please focus on the client, and don’t make assumptions.”

“Right. Well, switching from a carbon based lifeform to silicon is tricky and involves crossing not just a species threshold but also a biological one. Not to mention there could be a lot of damage to your body if anything goes wrong. Perhaps you could explain why you think you're a golem?”

  “I, um, I- I’m sorry. I’m just a little nervous right now. I have trouble speaking sometimes.”

“Speak up Ms, I couldn't make out what you were- ow. Mayday! May I remind you that-

“Sorry about that Jasmine. You can ignore him for now. Focus on me and let’s take some deep breaths together. In and out ok? In and out, there you go! Do you think you could tell me what being a golem is like?”

“Um, it’s just, it’s just who and what I am. I can’t really describe it. It’s the only thing I can see myself as. There's some days where I just lie outside completely still and let nature move around me. It's peaceful.”

“Ok! Did you get that doc?”

“Sigh, alright fine. At least it sounds like you've been living as your preferred species for a while now. I suppose we can move on to other topics. It will take some time to formulate the proper medication for something like this, but through modern magic and medicine, it can be done. Now, we'll need to go over some paperwork, mostly an acknowledgement of potential risk. You could no longer be considered human depending on legal changes. I'll give you time to look it over.”

“Um, do… Do you know what I might look like if I took this medication? I know what I am but I'm a bit scared something is going to happen.”

“I could show you if you want, I have an idea of what you might want based on what you've told me…

…Well, what do you think? Oh! Please don't touch, I'm not actually made of rocks and you might poke a tooth.”

“Sorry it's just. You look like me. The real me.”

“Well doc? Think we can make something like this?”

“I suppose so, it won't have the specific details, but the general shape is possible. Let's continue the discussion on your treatment first, and if you agree, then we can have a prescription ready in a month.”

* * *

“You performed Adequately Ms. Mulberry. Perhaps you'll actually make a decent assistant, and it seems Ms. Elwood will have a bright future thanks to this clinic. There aren't any other client meetings today, so I'll have you handling prescriptions to send out to pharmacies. Before that though, how has the progress gone on documenting your species?”

“If you mean my mimicry in general, it's going well. I'll have my findings on your desk next month. If you mean learning about the other voice I've been hearing. No luck there. It doesn't show up unless I'm feeling some kind of extreme emotion. Looking back it feels like it wasn't just one voice, but several. It's hard to figure out, some of the others in the THEMS group have some ideas as to what it could be.

“Being influenced by the thoughts of a third party with no medical experience isn't going to solve anything. Please look into it further on your own. I can't move forward with patenting this medication without knowing if this is a potential side effect, or if it's just something in your head..”

“That certainly didn't stop you with me. Look, I'm still going to work with the support group if they can help. Plus when I start my therapy sessions it's going to be something that'll have to come up at some point. Someone else is going to be involved in this. What you should be focusing on right now is Jasmine's treatment.”

“Yes I really should start working on her tre-

“You mean garden treatment. And stop saying Ms. It's Mx. Gard listed garden gender as a non-binary option.”

“Yes, whatever. I have a lot of things to keep track of. Can't keep up with every little detail about a patient. That's your job now, and don't go forgetting who's in charge here! Your little blackmail attempt amounted to nothing. So don't go cutting me off again! Not now, and especially not during client meetings! I have the power to fire you if I see a single slip up. Remember which of us is the doctor and which of us is the assistant. Now then, I expect a report of your mimic status by next week and you should hurry along to fulfill your duties to our clients.”

“What do you mean it amounted to nothing?”

“Excuse me? What are you saying?”

“I'm saying that I'm here right now aren't I? I don't mean that you gave me this job, I mean you gave me legal access to all those files I wanted. It's kind of crazy you didn't realize. I guess I hit the nail on the head when I assumed you'd see me as an opportunity to show other therians that you're on our side. But now, I have complete access to everything and I can legally be a whistleblower to the public here. If you ever hurt me again, I'll send out everything. And I won't even be affected. After all, I'm just an innocent assistant concerned for the safety of the general public. I'm sure with your reputation completely sunk, it wouldn't be hard to replace you. There's a number of other doctors that would kill to have your position. You wouldn't survive.”

“You're implying I still have a reputation to lose. I felt pity for you when you fought for the last spark of hope in your life, to see you squandering it on threats like this… Are you truly so vain that you feel the need to pretend your bluff had weight.”

“Erian, I'm saying this for your own benefit. If people knew what kinds of things you did in this clinic. I don't mean you'd lose your medical license or be run out of town. I'm pretty sure they'd come after your life. This isn't a threat, this is a warning. We're equals here now, whether you like it or not. I could be much worse, but I've decided to play nice.”

“...I see. Sigh, I'll die of stress from you at this point. Why even work here if you hate it and myself so much?”

“Mayday, the actual Mayday, wanted to work here before she forgot everything. She wanted to learn how to help people. I feel like I owe her that much. I don’t care if I have to step over you or any other bigot to reach that goal.”

“Of course you’d say something hokey like that. Always painting your actions as the only noble ones around you. You really are a monster the media made you out to be.”

“You're the one who made me like this. I had to relearn everything about playing human. Besides, you should have known something like this would happen eventually. If not me then someone would have found enough dirt on you. You're kind of sloppy when you hide evidence… Huh, I thought this kind of conversation would make me more angry, but this has been oddly calming. I suppose it's me no longer recognizing you as a threat. Congrats, now we know others mimics won't inherently hate you. At least not always. Now I just see you as potential food.”

“Food? Tell me then Ms. Mulberry, Did a part of you enjoy the taste of flesh?”

“Don't push it. How about you get back to work, I have patients to care for.”

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Start - Prev - Next

Mention list: @a-shramp, @calliecwrites, @be702, @respectfulevil, @hyacinthdoll1315

@aster-is-confused, @bloodandbrandywyne, @glitchgloop, @nyxthewary, @lunadook

[tboyautism]

ive been thinking about trans julian and how his parents call him jules and a lot of ppl r like "oh well being trans is accepted in the federation so theres no way his parents could be transphobic!" which like. thats what living in a blue state is like lmao. btu i was thinking about this more from that angle and ended up with the idea that yeah, his parents are supportive, but its all superficial. Julian's parents are obsessed with reputation and images (his father specifically, and I personally do not believe they chose to alter Julian absent of any kind of shame. Come on now.), and because of the acceptance thats commonplace on earth and the federation, they cannot be openly transphobic without risking their standing and reputations. So they use his pronouns, let him do informed consent hrt, but all the while telling him how hes "wasting" and "ruining" the" perfect body they gave him". and julian knows they only support him for their own image. And this is how I get to the "Jules" thing. It is his deadname. That was his given name. But Jules is a masucline enough name for people unaware to not think its deadnaming. Even people who do know Julian is trans, they think it's just a nickname his parents have for him. That's why they're so inistant on calling him Jules. They can't misgender him, they'll look ridiculous, and thats more clearly transphobic than calling him Jules. Its the last thing they have to truly let him know how they think of him as an individual. He can get as far away from them as possible, but they will always have something over him. They will always be able to remind him of what they think is "the truth". Julian's parent's see his transition as a betrayal and a waste, but cannot openly be unsupportive, so they use the last thing they have. Calling him Jules. And nobody notices, nobody thinks anything of it. It's Julian's weight alone to bear, surrounded by people who love him, but can do nothing to help because they just don't know. He's terrified of having even more of his weaknesses revealed.

[that-trans-autistic-guy]

The Dream of Being in DBD as a Trans Character

as an actor who adores DBD and yearns to bring trans characters to life, this is the story i made for a character that i thought could be brought into the show via an episode focus. so, enjoy:

The plot begins with a client walking in. A ghost boy, no older than eighteen, comes in and asks for their assistance. His friend, who we’ll call Roy, had moved to the UK before the ghost, we’ll call Gilbert, passed away. The two were extremely close and Gil was Roy’s only real friend. Gil’s request is that the agency finds Roy and helps him deliver a last message to his friend. It takes some discussion, but the agency agrees.

We see a teen walking through a high school, head down, headphones on and clearly on the outside (think Edwin’s scene of walking against all the other students). Some jock in a varsity jacket slaps the books out of his hands. One particular book gets kicked down the hallway or something, and the whole hallway watches him go after it. His locker has all sorts of insults scribbled onto it, multiple of which are feminine in nature. Roy just sighs as he exchanges some of his supplies.

We watch him go through classes, just glimpses of classmates glaring, throwing papers at him, etc. He doesn’t respond to it beyond a few resigned expressions and sighs. A bell rings and the hallways are flooded by people going to lunch. Enter Crystal Palace, flanked by Edwin and Charles. She asks if he has a moment to talk and he says something like, “Look, I’m just trying to go eat without getting fucked up. So if you and your ghost boyfriends could just leave me alone, that’d be great.” He walks off, leaving Crystal and the boys extremely confused.

They didn’t think he would be able to see them. Gil had said he’d never said anything about seeing ghosts.

Crystal and the boys talk to the other students about Roy, posing as new/exchange students who’d noticed something about him. None of the students are particularly nice, saying he’s weird and abnormal. They also add in statements saying things like he’s “a girl playing pretend” and other statements like that. It confuses the boys, especially Edwin, but it seems to click for Crystal.

She finds Roy after school, hiding in the art/band room while the hoard of students goes outside to leave. His headphones are still on and he’s on his phone, but his head whips up the second the psychic enters so he’s clearly on high alert. Crystal sits across from him and asks why he could see ghosts.

Roy explains that when he came out, his parents stopped caring. They didn’t provide anything to him and refused to call him by his name. When he was seventeen, his appendix burst. He’d complained for days that his stomach was unbearable and his parents ignored it. It burst at school and he nearly died from their negligence.

His uncle asked for custody and they gave it over without protest. Once he had it, his uncle, who we’ll call Josh, immediately worked on helping him transition. Josh got him to doctors who gave him HRT and helped him legally change his name. When Josh was told he would move to England for his high paying job barely two months later, he got Roy top surgery before they left. He enrolled in school, which had just as much bullying as his last. 

Crystal tells him that his friend, Gilbert, had contacted them to find him and help deliver a message. Roy’s shocked and asked if he could see Gil. The three agree, saying they could arrange something for that night. They make conversation until Roy deems it safe enough for him to leave.

The two friends reunite that night. It’s tearful and emotional. We learn, through conversation or flashbacks, that Gilbert had died shortly after Roy moved away in a car accident. Roy had flown out to be at his best friend’s funeral and had been inconsolable. Gil’s family had let him sit with them, basically his own family. The boys hold each other like they might fade away, resting their foreheads together.

They talk. Gil reassures him that he was okay, that he was glad Roy was still going. He’s sad that Roy hasn’t made any new friends and the boy says he’s scared of letting in the wrong people. He says that maybe he can start with the detectives and Roy agrees that maybe he can. They talk a little more, the two stating that they love each other and similar statements, and Gil’s ready to move on. The blue light appears and he smiles sadly, giving his friend one last hug. He tells Roy to look after himself, asks the agency to look after him, too. Roy is holding in a sob but tells Gilbert to go on and that he’ll see him later, yeah? Gilbert nods and goes with Death, the light disappearing. As it does, we see the ghost boys holding hands, reminded of their own deep friendship and unable to imagine parting.

Roy swipes at his tears as the agency approaches. They all offer their condolences, even a hug maybe, and he accepts. He asks if what they do is helping people move on and they say that it is. He nods and says that he’d like to help them sometimes, to which they all agree. The four of them hang out for a while, letting Roy tell the stories of Gilbert he’d been aching to tell.

I like to think Roy would make a few other appearances, in a similar way to Monty. Edwin would ask him questions about his identity and queer stuff, notebook in hand. Charles and him would mess around, maybe playing jokes on the others. He and Crystal would commiserate over neglectful parents, maybe helping her as she tries to rebuild her life. When Niko comes back, they’d share shows and books they each like. 

Maybe the bullying gets bad and one of the ghost boys goes with him to school, casually tripping the bullies or being silly around them while the bully is oblivious. Roy slowly makes a friend or two at school, and overall comes out of his shell bit by bit.

again, this is just a wild dream i have. the character envelops the themes of love and grief that the show is based on, as well as self acceptance. naturally, i'd love to see any kind of trans character on the show since we are an extremely underrepresented group and the love put into the show would make it excellent. so, naturally, Save Dead Boy Detectives.

[unicorn-spirit-studios]

Sonic HRT #14: what did erian say?

First - Previous - Next (coming soon)

^_^ Family. I love my mates so, so much. The kink etc dynamic isn't super explicit here, but yeah, my mates have a caretaker/little and mistress/slave dynamic and my dynamic with the both of them is its own thing.

Autism, bro.

I like having these domestic scenes where I'm talking to my mates about stuff. Reflects our real experiences, especially with transitioning under capitalism.

Hey, concerns about doctors blocking your necessary medical procedures! Whoa!

So when I was setting up to get top surgery, I was still working for and lived near though fortunately not with, my abusive-ass parents. I told them I was getting a "breast reduction" and they insisted I would convalesce with them. Great. While in one of the final appointments leading up to the surgery, my surgeon asked what my post surgery plans were. And was, admittedly rightfully, horror-struck at the idea of me trying to recover from surgery in my abusive-ass family's house.

However...I couldn't do anything about where I would be directly post-surgery. I had no choice. I planned to get home as soon after surgery as I could, maybe ask my friends for help if needed...but staying at my parents' was Not Something I Could Get Out Of. My surgeon was so sure her team would correctly gender me and let the secret out of the bag (this did not happen, they did not gender me correctly even once), and looked like she would cancel the whole thing unless I came out to my parents. Cuz again, I didn't have better options. I fully expected to be blowing up my life, losing my job, the whole thing. But at least I'd be able to get surgery.

I came out to my parents. Drafted a letter, went to a restaurant with two of my best friends, met my parents there, and gave them the letter. It went...it was civilized. There wasn't explosions right then. Everything was very contained. What with the public and all. The shoe didn't drop immediately.

But both of them, separately, got me alone to vent their spleens about the whole deal. My dad told me I was his "Horse riding, jean wearing, girl," and more sensitive than my sister, and therefore more girly. My mom told me that me being trans was literally "Worse than her brothers dying."

So about what I expected. Fucking horrible. Honestly, would've almost been better if they just tossed me. I wouldn't have had years more of abuse at their hands.

So yeah. Came out to my parents because my doctor pressured me in ways that jeopardized my transition (after 10 months waiting for my surgery appointment), it went predictably poorly, I still had to "recover" at their house.

Interesting post-script to that story, I apparently have a pretty good pain tolerance? I was able to drive home after about two days? And drove 40 minutes out to got out with friends at Halloween before my drains had even been removed? ^_^ That was rad.

EDIT 2024/9/12: I FORGOT ROBIN'S EAR TIP FURS IN PANEL 3 OF PAGE 4!!! Fixed, now!

[hysteria-things]

♛ THREE ° •

ʚ♡ɞ 𝐋𝐀𝐒𝐓 | 𝐌𝐀𝐒𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐋𝐈𝐒𝐓 | 𝐏𝐋𝐀𝐘𝐋𝐈𝐒𝐓 | 𝐍𝐄𝐗𝐓 ʚ♡ɞ

𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠: matt x reader

𝐬𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲: you get a very interesting invitation from the one and only matthew sturniolo.

𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬: SUGGESTIVE, swearing

𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐝 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭: 295

𝐚𝐮𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐫'𝐬 𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐞: SO SORRY this is insanely short i’m not feeling good but also i want there to be more details in the next part😭

you can’t help but stare intently at your phone screen for the past five minutes. the tour ended for the boys a few days ago. chris won, but you and matt have been talking if he’s not busy nonstop. you’re honestly not sure if he told his brothers about you yet.

it’s pretty late, and you have been texting before bed. you did not think it would lead to this.

“you are so fake for leaving me to go to L.A. for your boyfriend matthew sturniolo.” hannah says for what feels like the thirtieth time, folding your clothes and helping you pack.

since you have no idea how long you’re staying for, you have two suitcases sprawled on your bed. you roll your eyes at the girl, zipping the suitcase and placing it on the ground. “i met him two weeks ago, he is certainly not my boyfriend.”

“not yet.” she winks.

“in all honesty, i don’t think this will last.” you sigh. “i mean, he’s incredibly famous, and a hundred girls gawk over him every day.”

she blinks at you, crossing her arms and popping a hip out. she’s giving you the are you serious? look. “girl.” she starts. “you guys have been texting every day, and he invited you to fly out to his house in L.A. — which he’s paying for. let alone you had sex with him. i don’t know him as well as you do, but i don’t think he’s the type to do that with any girl he lays eyes on. am i right, or am i right?”

you stay silent for a beat before speaking. “you’re right.”

“i know i am.” she smiles. “now let’s finish packing those bags. you got an early flight to los angeles tomorrow.”

𝐭𝐚𝐠 𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭!

@bunbunbl0gs @lexisecretaccx @thy-mission @angelic-sturniolos111 @sophssturn @mattsneezing @janiellasblog @blahbel668 @meg-sturniolo @mattslolita @sturnbaby @imwetforyourmom @tillies33ssss @sturnifyed @mayhem-72 @ripmattitude @p1xieswrld @alorsxsturn @txssvx @sttzee @multiluvr @delilahprentiss @matthewsspecial @sturnolio-luvs @sturniolho @suga-daddy-69 @tworosesblackthorn @luckistar-posts @gnxosblog @junnniiieee07 @sturnioloslurps @tylerthecreatorsrealwife @flowerxbunnie @imaslut4kehlani @sturniolosandmoree @hertvgirl @whoreforchrissturniolo @sturniolotriplettoplover @stars4matt @freshsturns @loverrsposts @sturnlcvr @elliesturniolo1 @tpvmz @user283926392 @lalalands86 @sukiipjs @sturniologirl813 @leahrab @chrissturniolosslut @h3arts4harry @sturnioloblogs @creamoncreamoncream2 @luv4kozume @ivyyyyyysposts @mirxcle1 @iluvm4ttsturni0l0 @catalina-island @mbsbaby @mattsdollie @pinkfarts @slut4mattsturn @thesturniolos @vickeyzloserz @nononopenono1 @bitchydragonparadise @gdsvhtwa @hrt-attack @bellasfavbisexual @dwntwn-strnlo @venusbabysblog @meerkatzthings @crazychrisl0v3r @maggieflms @strtuniolo @mutualsafe @riasturns @sturniolowhore @antpile00 @ashley9282828 @stingerayyy2

[xieliansbignaturals]

I'm still thinking about Ye Olde MXTX Crossover T4T Meetup.

Hua Cheng is wearing a different pronoun pin and a different outfit every time you look at xem. Just having so much fun with shapeshifting. The one consistent thing about her is how lovingly he's looking at Xie Lian, whose Just Some Guy energy is off the charts.

Shen Qingqiu insists that she only came to support Luo Binghe. That's also the reason behind the she/her pronoun pin, which she picked up just in case Luo Binghe was the only one using those pronouns and felt left out. And, you guessed it, yes, that's why she's been on fantasy HRT for several years. It would be so cruel to let poor Binghe go through that alone!

Wei Wuxian hasn't figured out she's trans yet, but the pronoun pins were her invention. She's attending as an ally to support Lan Wangji, who does not want to be here, and Jiang Yanli, who is very happy to meet other people like himself and Jin Zixuan.

Shi Qingxuan and Nie Huaisang have bonded over their shared enjoyment of fans and chaos. Banyue is talking with Zhuzhi-lang about how great snakes are. Mu Qingfang has set up a little table talking about medical transition options for those who can't shapeshift, and is happy to talk about his own experiences.

The Liu siblings didn't come because being trans, to them, is like being born as a 5lb baby instead of an 8lb baby: completely mundane, why do you need a meetup? Mobei-jun feels similarly. Shang Qinghua is too busy with paperwork, but maybe he'll make the next one. He Xuan refuses to admit that they have anything going on with their gender, and they have no motivation to attend a social event anyway. Nie Mingjue is unfortunately otherwise occupied. Jun Wu is not attending for multiple reasons.

Pei Ming attempted to attend as an "ally", but got bored and left when the only person who wanted to sleep with him was some lizard-headed dude from Ghost City. Better luck next time, Pei Ming.

[jupitervega]

fleein the south part II

hi, i'm ri & i'm an autistic nonbinary trans guy-lite-ish person. 4 years ago i moved out to denver from mississippi (where i was born & raised) & immediately had a massive improvement in my quality of life. i was able to access medical & psychiatric care, my career stabilized, people were addressin me with correct terms for the most part, & i was startin to feel like life had finally begun

unfortunately when the lease ran out on our house end of summer last year my roommates decided not to renew, & then the people who were gonna be my new roommates backed out last minute. in a panic i looked for other options but with time runnin short & top surgery approachin i decided to recover at a friend's house & move back to mississippi once my surgeon cleared me to travel cross country so i could regroup somewhere i figured would be less expensive & at least somewhat familiar

that, friends, was a very costly & painful mistake! every single problem that made me wanna move away in the first place has only exacerbated!

i'm comin up on 8 months post top surgery, i have a beard, & i'm still gettin called ma'am/she/her. trump flags & signs still adorn many yards/porches here. hatred & bigotry run rampant in local politics. the other day i didn't even enter one of the convenience stores in the town where i live when i stopped by because they had posted a very thinly veiled racist sign on the door

when i arrived back here i was not even a full month outta surgery & i had a minor complication, so i went to the emergency room cause what else was i sposed to do? applied for charity as i had around $100 to my name at that point, which i THINK? got approved? also applied for mississippi medicaid the same day, which got denied almost outright as i have no children. so i've been uninsured since november & rationin the 3 month supply of my psych/migraine meds i received before leavin colorado for goin on 7 months. never mind bein able to access hrt!

job prospects here are Not Great! i've had to collect unemployment for a while as i cannot for the life of me find a full time job with a livin wage. otherwise i literally cannot make ends meet as the jobs i've held so far down here are payin average 50% or less of what i was makin in denver. even with the part time gigs i've had i have yet to crack 30hr/wk on any kind of regular basis

housin is an absolute shitshow. my lease is up 1 july (got a month extension) & i've been searchin everywhere for an affordable place of my own or at least a good roommate. the more affordable studio/1bd apartments go for around $700 & up, but most have income requirements of 2.5-3x the monthly rent which, considerin previous point abt wages, is near impossible. roommate listins are available but the majority are questionable at best & seekin a live-in bangmaid at worst

with all these considerations i spent the past few weeks feelin worse & worse lookin for somewhere close to the job i currently have. the leases are like 6mo-1y so i was picturin another year down here & how i was gonna survive, let alone thrive. my thoughts got darker & darker. i'd wake up in the mornin & be sad/disappointed i'd survived the night

this is no way to live

i snapped a few days ago. said to myself "if i'm destined to struggle wherever i go, i'd rather do it somewhere i actually Wanted to be in the first place" & started applyin for housin in denver. waitin to hear back from my first option & have secured a backup with a friend with a spare room for 6mo in case that falls through

right now i need help gettin the hell out! i've got first month's rent already put back, i can continue to collect unemployment until i land a good job in denver, & i'm already reachin out to find somewhere to work. i just don't have anywhere to go for another month or two to save the money i'll need to travel almost 1200mi (~1900km) back to colorado. i'll need at least $500 to make gas/food happen durin the time it will take me to get there, & i need it by the first of july (38 days from day of postin)

please help me escape!!!

ca: $jupitervega

vmo: jupitervega

ppal

please please please donate whatever you're able! pls boost!

thank u so much for readin, pls have an item from my emergency happy photo folder for yr enjoyment

[sandyca5tle]

Slime HRT Story - New Beginnings

“Dragon HRT?” I mumbled aloud to myself as I scrolled, stopping on the post, the title intriguing me. I looked through it and mostly found myself in disbelief - HRT that could turn you into another species, let alone a mythical one like a dragon, seemed like something someone had made up for clicks.

I would’ve just disregarded it as exactly that, however, the post did cause some feelings that had been kind of simmering in the back of my mind to rise to the surface. I’d always liked the idea of being something more - no that’s not really fair - but something else than human. A few things had appealed to me over the years, although they’d only been more fleeting things back then, but recently I’d been feeling them more strongly. My guess is that, having sorted out my gender and some of the medical transitioning for that (nearly 3 years on feminising hrt), it allowed my brain to notice the other things that weren’t quite right.

Much like with the post, I had pushed them out of the way as an impossibility - people couldn’t just be animals, that sounded crazy… but then so had a boy being able to be a girl, and here I was now. And as much as I had tried to ignore it, I had noticed the occasional phantom limb, primarily a tail, but also wings, that made it a little harder to just push away.

I looked over the post again, nothing new jumping out at me, so I continued scrolling. But the post still sat with me, idling away in my mind as I laughed at some funny remark about my favourite show.

***

2 months after seeing that first post, I came across another from the same person and was surprised and excited with what I saw. They hadn’t been making stuff up for attention, they actually were becoming a dragon. They only had some scales on their hands, as well as the beginnings of horns and their eyes were changing colours, but the pictures seemed legit.

I was stunned. Was it actually possible for people to change their species? Could I change my species? What species would I even be?

I caught myself - I hadn’t expected the latter pair of questions to come out, let alone so easily. Was that something I wanted? To become another species? Just a couple months ago that had seemed like an insane idea, but now I was excited by the thought? The wagging phantom tail did not help the side of me that wanted to deny this. I decided I’d wait it out a little longer, after all, this must be a fairly new procedure, no reason to charge into it so soon, and i clearly need to sort out my thoughts on it anyway

***

So there’s puppy hrt now, and mouse hrt too, and the dragon hrt is coming along really well. I’d also spent some time and kinda figured out my feelings as well, had realised I didn't wanna be human if I didn't have to. Could I survive the rest of my life as a human? Sure. Would I be happy? Uncertain. Did the idea of not being human make me excited and happy, in such a familiar way to the idea of actually being a girl? Yes.

I’d also been thinking about what I want to be, if not human. Obviously dragon appealed, and matched up with the phantom limbs I had, but I only wanted certain parts of that, not quite the whole package, so that one wasn’t quite for me. I also found the idea of something more traditional, like a catgirl appealing, but that didn’t quite sit right with me, and again, I only wanted parts. I actually went through a whole bunch of options, and while bits and pieces of some appealed, while others seemed like they’d be fun to mess around with, but not as a permanent arrangement, I was struggling to find one thing I’d want to be. Honestly the whole process made me question if I was just making it all up in my head. However I couldn’t shake the desire to leave behind my humanity, so I continued to ponder on it.

All which kind of led me to realise that what I really wanted was to be able to change at will, mix and match whatever I want - I wanted to be a shapeshifter… I.. was a shapeshifter, just stuck in human form by some accident of the universe or something I guess.

From there I began to look up where I could actually get my hands on some of this new hrt, and I found that there seemed to be one main doctor who was approving/handing out this new animal/therian hrt. However, when I looked him up, I came across 3 major issues 1) He seemed to operate out of this place called ‘Hyper City’ which I’d never heard of before, and couldn’t seem to find anything on any maps 2) He seemed unfriendly and had a long list of shitty gatekeepy requirements before he’d let you take the medication (seriously, how am I supposed to live as a ‘shapeshifter’ for two years?), which reminded me of stuff I’d read about similar ‘requirements’ for trans hrt that similarly ticked me off and 3) It was expensive and as I was already paying a bunch for regular hrt, that would be a problem.

However, my solution to similar issues with ‘human hrt’ gave me an idea to start looking into for this new flavour of hrt. As I mentioned, a lot of the clinics I originally looked into for my trans hrt had similar gatekeepy requirements before they would even consider you for hormone treatment, so I looked elsewhere and found a company who offered an informed consent model of treatment. So I decided to do much the same with this hrt, scouring the internet for any trace of a similar setup until eventually I found it!

It seemed like it had been set up relatively recently, but then given how new this therian hrt was, it only made sense. I spent some time looking around their website, checking what kind of things they needed (blood tests etc.) and how much this was going to cost (since apparently being yourself has to be profitable, even for people trying to help out somewhat better). While it was still a lot of money, it was less than the only other available, legitimate, method of doing this, so it at least seemed better.

Since one of the things they did require, asides from blood tests, was an initial meeting to ask some questions and check they understood what I wanted out of the treatment, I figured I could use that to also ask some questions of my own. So I booked the soonest appointment I could (fortunately they did video calls) and waited

***

“Hello?” 

A voice came through the computer as the video call lit up with the person on the other end, a youngish woman, late twenties to early thirties, dressed fairly casually, clearly sitting in some kind of home office. It seemed this would be the person talking to me to figure out what I needed. I was kinda happy to see that she had her pronouns (she/her) listed by her name (Anna) in the corner, but I would be lying if I wasn’t a little sad that she seemed to be human. I didn’t necessarily expect to talk to someone else like me immediately, but it would have been cool, and a part of me was holding out hope, but life’s not always so kind.

“Hello!” I replied cheerfully, smiling and giving a wave back through my own camera.

“Nice to meet you, Sandy, right? May I ask your pronouns?” Anna asked “Mine are she/her,” She added

“Oh, uh, yes, and uh, She/They,” I replied - I was always a little awkward whenever I had these kind of talks

“So… you want to start on humanity replacement therapy, that’s correct right?” She asked

I nodded, before quickly adding an assured “Yes!” in case the nod wasn’t clear enough on the stream “Good, right,” She said, glancing down to check her notes “And do you know what you would like to become instead?” She asked, making sure to look up at me as she asked this

“Shapeshifter!” I quickly blurted out, my excitement getting the better of me “I mean, uh, I’d like to be a shapeshifter,”

Anna smiled, “Shapeshifter?” She checked, looking back down at her papers “Well, I’m afraid to say we can’t do that,” I felt my heart drop, all my excitement rapidly turning to despair. 

This had been a possibility, in the back of my mind, after all even compared to a dragon, a shapeshifter was pretty out there. Being a mythical creature is one thing, being able to be any creature, or even anything seemed like a bit of a stretch.

However, it seemed that my dismay was premature as Anna continued to speak “Yes, I’m afraid we can’t do that unless you go on a different form of hrt first,” She explained, flicking through some of the papers “If you still want to go ahead with your humanity removal therapy, you will need to complete at least two years of a different therapy regime to create a base for the shapeshifter therapy,” She looked up to gauge my reaction

My reaction, of course, was happiness, especially after that moment of dread. Ok, so it was going to be a little while until I properly got on shapeshifter hrt, but 2 years wasn’t that long - it flew past for me on feminising hrt, so it should be fine here, plus, just ‘cause i wanna be everything, doesn’t mean I can’t survive a little bit of time as something else, first step is to just not be human

“Uh, you mentioned that I’d need to complete a different regime first, do I get to choose which one, or is there a specific one I’d have to take?” I asked, a little worried about the answer

“Don’t worry, you do get to choose,” Anna assured me with a smile “However you’ll have to choose from a selection, not all species are as suited for shapeshifting as others, I’ll send the link to a document listing them all in the chat,”

The link appeared and I opened it in another tab “Uh, should I read this now, or is there any more talking you want to do first?” I asked, not wanting to be rude, but my eyes would not stop flicking to the tab, nor would my phantom tail stop wagging from excitement

“You can take a moment to read through,” Anna gestured a ‘go ahead’ towards the camera

I flipped over to the tab, and was presented with a document. It started with a spiel about how these species are known for being able to naturally alter their physical properties, either in the real world, or in the mythologies they’re from, and so form the best bases for further shapeshifting hrt. I scanned the list, I noticed a few that I’d already looked at before I decided on shapeshifter, like dragon and kitsune, a couple i’d never considered but made total sense to be there, like mimics and squids, and some that i wouldn’t have associated with shapeshifting at all, like cats and snakes. 

However, despite all the many options that were available, there was one that really sang to me - slime. Seeing that there kind of seemed to slot the last piece I didn't know I was even missing into the puzzle - the idea of being a fluid being of goo just somehow seemed perfect to me, and I could actually feel myself getting a little emotional.

My emotions must have been obvious on my face as well, as I heard Anna chime in from the other tab “Is everything ok there?” She asked, although I could hear a slight smile in her voice, and I guessed I wasn’t the first one she’d seen through this

“Uh, yes, yes,” I replied, switching back over to the call tab “Just some, uh, unexpected emotions,” I told her honestly “But I think I’d like to be a slime,” I said, just getting the last words out around the lump of euphoria in my throat, and feeling a smile form on my face as I spoke the wish into being. 

Anna nodded, and a part of me was a little relieved that she wasn’t trying to contest me on anything, just talking to me and guiding me through everything, it was quite nice from what my fears had hypothesised. Anna shuffled through few more papers on her desk before looking back up at the camera “Ok Miss Slime,” She began and I felt a wave of both gender and what i’m guessing was species euphoria ripple through my body “Next you’ve gotta choose which kind of slime you’ll be,” She explained, dropping another link in the chat

I nodded, and as before opened the tab and looked at the options. This list was… much more extensive than the shapeshifting one had been, and there were categories and subcategories within subcategories. I hadn’t ever realised how many different kinds of slimes there could be. I saw ‘blood slime’ and ‘magma slime’ neither of which were appealing to me, metal slime did interest me a little, but it didn’t quite seem to sit right with me. I kept looking through at all the options until I came across one that felt right

“Uh, what exactly is the sap slime?” I asked “Just want to make sure I know what I’m choosing,” I added

“It’s exactly what it sounds like, a slime made of tree sap,” Anna told me “You can also pick the species of tree if you want to do that, or we can give you a more generic one,” She offered

I thought for a second “Do you have anything like maple syrup-y? I know that’s made from sap, so is there like sap-syrup slime? Doesn’t have to be maple if that’s possible, honestly I’d probably prefer it wasn’t maple if I can have a choice, while I don’t dislike maple syrup, it has a weird flavour I’d rather not replicate..” I half-trailed off, suddenly realising I’d been rambling a little

“I’m sure we can find you something like that,” Anna replied with a wry smile, adding some notes onto the paper before “For now I’ll put you down for a sap slime then, with a preference for syrupy,” She said. 

I smiled and nodded, confirming what she’d said.

“Well, that should be everything we need today, however I see you haven’t scheduled a physical examination,” Anna remarked

“Uh, yeah, I was going to do that after this, figured I’d see if I was even allowed before paying for the test,” I replied “But also a physical? I thought I just needed blood work?” I asked

“For simple human hormone replacement therapy, yes, however this is a little more extreme, and will completely change your biology, and so we need a more complete baseline to make sure your transition progresses nominally,” She explained

“That makes sense,” I replied “I doubt my GP will go along with this,” I added, knowing they hadn’t been ok with my gender transition, so they likely wouldn’t be with this either “So where will I take this physical?” I asked

“There's a clinic we work with that you can go to who will take the information we need and send it to us,” Anna told me, typing for a couple seconds before a link appeared in the chat “There’s the link you can use to setup an appointment for it,” She told me, as I copied the link for later “Do you know how to get to Hyper City? The clinic is there, so you will need to know how to get there,” She added

I shook my head “I’ve only see vague and weird sounding shtuff about it online, if it weren’t for the seemingly literal magic the treatment provides, I’d be inclined to believe that it was all made up,” I told her

“I can promise you it’s a very real place, I live there, and it’s where I’m talking to you from right now actually,” Anna replied, causing my eyes to widen a little “Since you don’t know how to get here, I’ll tell you, and it’s surprisingly simple,” She paused for a second before continuing “Simply head 20 minutes outside of wherever you live, any direction, any method of travel - so long as you control where you’re going, otherwise it might get a little complicated - you’ll find a road you’ve never seen before. Follow the road and it will take you to the city,” She explained “Depending on where exactly you live, you might be able to see the city from further away, and it might have some strange interactions with the natural surroundings, but that’s nothing to worry about,” She added “As for getting back, simply leave through the archway you enter through and you’ll find yourself back where you came in,”

I nodded, before my brain actually started to properly process what she had said “That sounds… unbelievable, but again, I am trying to turn myself into a slime, so unbelievable is the flavour of the day,” I replied “So just 20 minutes out of town and I’ll find it?” I checked, receiving a nod of confirmation from the other side of the screen “That’s going to be interesting around here…” I muttered

“Regardless, if you set up an appointment and get your physical done, you can then request a prescription for your medications. They can be delivered to your home, however, due to some difficulties sending things from Hyper City to other places, it can be somewhat more expensive, so it may be preferable for you to collect them yourself from our associated pharmacy in the city,” She explained. I nodded, frowning a little at the idea of extra costs, however it did prompt a question I had been meaning to ask during this meeting

“Will I still have to take my ‘human’ hrt alongside this? Y’know, for, uh, trans stuff,” As i had spoken i realised I hadn’t mentioned that I was trans before, and while I assumed people working with non-human hrt wouldn’t have a problem with it, it still felt a little awkward to bring up

Anna however, seemed nonplussed, and simply took a moment to think “I’m not one of the doctors who understands the science of this, however, I do believe that there is a point after which your biology will have changed sufficiently that human hormones, and so human hormone therapy, will no longer have a meaningful effect on your body,” She explained “If you want to know the specifics, you can use one of the contact forms on the website to find out, since those can be passed onto the doctors,” She explained

I nodded again, I couldn’t expect her to know all the details of the medicine, and it was nice to hear that I could get a better answer to my question. It also made me surprisingly happy to hear that human hormones would cease to have an effect on my body, despite all the work I'd done to get on them in the first place.

“One more thing I need to ask about: Have you told anyone about your desire to transition, to be a shapeshifter and a slime?” Anna asked

I was a little caught off by her question, but I should have expected it “My partner knows, and is supportive, but, uh, outside of that no, no one else really knows,” I told her

“Do you live with your partner?” She returned

I shook my head “No, uh, we just talk online and stuff,” I explained

“It is highly recommended that you have a support network, and while online support can be very helpful, I am required to specifically recommend some in person support as well,” She told me, once again typing in the chat “I’m sending a link to a support group that’s started up for people taking non-human hrt, and I would highly suggest attending,” 

I took a moment to quickly copy the link to somewhere more permanent before replying “Thanks, I’ll, uh, try to make sure I go at some point,” I told her

“Good,” She responded “Well, I’ve asked all I need to know for this session, so we are finished if you have no more questions you want to ask?” Anna offered

“No, nothing I can think of right now,” I told her

“Well, then it was lovely to meet you Sandy, and I wish you good luck on your journey,” 

“Thank you! It was nice to meet you too, goodbye!”

***

I glanced at my phone again 20 minutes out of town, that’s what she said I thought to myself as I looked along the road, which of course had no pavement, so I had spent plenty of time over my, albeit brief, trek out here half-throwing myself into hedges to avoid cars. Regardless, I was coming up on the 20 minute mark, and so looked around for any signs of the city.

And I definitely found them.

As I looked to my left, over where normally there were just fields, I could see skyscrapers and lights jutting out of the landscape where normally there’d be clear skies. It was… weird to say the least, but at least it told me I was doing things right. 

I went a little further down the road, and eventually spotted a path that I was fairly certain hadn’t been there before, not to mention that it clearly led to the shining collection of buildings that seemed to have spawned in the fields. I figured by some sort of magical shenanigans that no-one else could see this as I suspected a city spontaneously appearing in the middle of a field would have drawn some kind of attention beyond my own, and yet no-one else seemed to pay it any heed.

As I crossed over and headed down the road, I couldn’t help but notice that the city seemed to intersect with a few of the hedges marking the field boundaries, however it seemed to pass through without either entity having issue, and honestly my mind was having an odd time trying to resolve exactly what was going on. I figured it was some kinda magic shenanigan and decided I could ask about it later if I really wanted to know about it.

Eventually I reached an archway, after which passing through I was greeted with a ‘Welcome to Hyper City’ sign just off the road next to me. I took a second to properly marvel at the city up close now, before pulling out my phone and opening the screenshotted directions to the clinic and beginning to follow them.

As I walked around, following the directions as best I could, I noticed a few shops that caught my eye, all advertising fantastical products and services that definitely seemed magical in nature. However, as intriguing as they seemed, I had an appointment to keep, and so took each turn my instructions told me. 

As I got closer to my destination, I also began to notice another thing of note: there were people, but not simply human, I could see people with scales, furs, ears, tails, and horns, albeit all in various stages of development. It warmed my heart to see others out in the world who had taken the same path I was trying to start on, while at the same time also sparking some envy that they had already started, while I was still stuck in this human form. In an attempt to avoid staring too much, I focused my attention back onto my phone, settling for courteous glances at any other interesting people I saw along the way.

I did eventually, of course, find my way to the clinic, walking through the doors and giving my name over to the receptionist so she could find the information for my appointment

“You’ll be with Dr. Othek Inn, please wait in the waiting room to be called up,” She told me, and I promptly did as instructed

I continued to people watch in between scrolling on my phone, spying more people who were clearly also here for similar reasons as me amongst all the humans. It was sad to see that some of the people were looking at them with looks of disdain and displeasure, but I guessed even here there wouldn’t be escaping that kind of prejudice, which deflated me a little. 

It wasn’t too long until I was called up to my appointment. I walked into the room I was directed towards and was met with Dr. Othek, a tall, darker skinned man with longer black hair pulled back into a professional looking ponytail 

“You must be Sandy, correct?” He asked me, his voice deep but quite jovial as he looked up from the computer he had just been typing on and gestured to a nearby seat. I nodded. “And you’re here for the full physical in preparation for taking humanity replacement therapy correct?”

I nodded again “Uh, yes,” I told him

“So what kind of creature are you?” He asked, and I felt a euphoric burst at the acknowledgement of my inhumanity

“Shapeshifter,” I told him, my voice a little excited from the euphoria, which i quickly toned down before adding “Uh, but I have to become a slime first, since I guess the human body doesn’t respond well to the shapeshifter treatment or something,”

“Shapeshifter and a slime? Interesting, think you’re the first one with that particular combination that I’ve seen,” the doctor replied

“Couldn’t pick one form, so why not have any I want,” I said, a little jokingly with a shrug and a smile

“Most people would wait until they had a clearer decision before heading into something so life changing,” Dr. Othek pointed out, and while I didn’t particularly feel any judgement in his tone, the words still stung

“It’s not really ‘indecision’ though, it’s that I’d feel trapped in any one form - human, dragon, shark, tiger, even something like slime, although that would at least be somewhat bearable,” I explained “I need to be able to change, shift, flow, and alter myself at will and on a whim, become as tall as a building and as small as a mouse just because that’s what I feel like, and being stuck in one form feels like a jail made of bones and sinew,”

The man chuckled a little and smiled “Forgive me, you clearly have thought about this, and made a very clear decision,” He replied, and I blushed a little, suddenly realising I’d been rambling and gushing to what was essentially a random stranger, even if he was a seemingly supportive medical professional

“Sorry, I just have kinda strong feelings about it,” I told him sheepishly

“As you should, this is who you are, and it’s important to be assured of that,” He replied “And to that end, shall I proceed with the examination?” He asked

“Oh, uh, yes,” I replied

Over the next  hourish I was poked, prodded, stabbed, and otherwise measured in all the various medical ways needed to ascertain my bodily health ahead of my transition. Fortunately I managed to avoid fainting when my blood was taken (as I am ever prone to do - nothing to do with the blood, I’m just kinda prone to fainting in certain conditions), only needing to lie down for a little while, so all of the tests we completed without issue.

We sat back down after the final examination, and Dr. Othek finished entering the last of my details into the system before turning back to me.

“Well, it looks like you’re fairly healthy, a little overweight, but nothing that infringes on your health, so, besides from getting the results of your blood test, I can safely give the greenlight for you to start your transition,” He told me

I beamed, feeling my phantom tail wagging behind me, a little grateful that the doctor couldn’t see it, even if my face likely showed it just as much “That’s awesome! Well, asides the overweight thing, but if that’s not a problem, I’ll focus on the positives,” I said

“Yes, well, you’ll have to wait a couple weeks for the blood tests to be finished, and once those results have come in, you can be allowed a prescription to actually begin your medical transition,” the doctor explained

I nodded “Gonna be a long couple of weeks,” I replied with a slightly pained smile

“I’m sure it’ll be worth the wait,”

I bid farewell shortly after that, and headed back out, ready to wait until the blood tests were done, and I could truly begin my foray into inhumanity. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So, I decided to kinda rewrite the start of slime hrt, and this is the new 'start' of it. Technically the next thing will be the first diary entry type part, but i wanted to do this story form first.

Next

Tag list under cut (lmk if ya wanna be added!)

@calliecwrites, @friedsputnik, @now-entering-the-goop-zone, @scrubbinn, @lilacinthefog

@mint-and-authoress, @losttodreams, @redroversendjayover, @ariathelamia, @kanithedemoncat

[catgirlbussy]

im gonna do a lil sadpost, as a treat. if u dun wanna read that or interact or anything there's no harm done <3 it kinda feels nice sayin stuff into the void tbh, cause i know as i look out ill always see myself at minimum, and im still thankful. im alive. if someone can relate or whatever then thats a neat bonus ★

I'm not super sure how to formulate these thoughts, cause lots of it is just incompressible /feeling/. I've been on HRT for close to two years now, and modifying my internal physical landscape alongside the work I put in with the ways I've learned sharing benefit so far, like therapy and self-directed exploration of my emotions and the simple but vital practice of being more open with others about how I'm feeling, has uncovered a lot.

It's been overwhelmingly positive in so many ways. I don't have any regrets for starting this set of changes, even with full knowledge of the difficulties I've had rise as a result and that more are on the horizon, and also full awareness in that I will need to continue putting in the *good* work to care for myself and learn how to navigate the parts in my mind I'd kept hidden or obscured for so long. It's not /bad/, I feel so grateful to have this opportunity at all and I feel bounteous joys in this trove of beautiful experiences that, up 'till not too long ago, I never thought I'd be able to experience -- though I absolutely still dreamed of having them so vividly.

I have a lot of good graces in my life re: my transition. In a lot of ways I feel I've been exceedingly lucky. Canada has its fair share of problems without a doubt, but I also know full well there are a lot more places on our planet where it's much more difficult to be openly trans, let alone dangerous or lethal. I don't take that as an opportunity to rest, either, because having cracks forming in the firmament, letting in light to my dream of a world where trans experiences are accepted (and to note most thoroughly, I'm learning more of a lot of cultures in days gone by, /including some aspects of my own heritage/, having extended gender representations ingrained in their societal norms, some as far even to revere the dynamic and unique experience of existing beyond the gender binary in whatever way they saw as such) for **everyone** spurs in me an even deeper and impassioned drive to work in the ways I'm able to foster communication and connection while rebuking hostility so more and more beautiful, valid trans folks can experience respite and respect and safety as well.

I'm not wanting necessarily to change minds and upend the posture of society with this particular post, though, and so I hope you'll forgive me in my expressing my small, localised set of emotions in this moment. At the root of everything I experience I'm starting to get better at reminding myself that I'm a valid *individual person* in addition to being a contributor in the push for good and kindness for all.

It's probably telling that I feel the need to offer ~4 paragraphs as a disclaimer that I spend time learning about the global scale and am effortful in enacting progress there before just getting on with what I'm even feeling sad about. I don't see myself as a holy martyr for being nervous about expressing myself, but it seems more and more common evidently rather than by my hypothesis alone that many trans individuals would get by prior to exploring their gendered identity with burgeoning self-acceptance with a marked self-exclusionary behaviour when it came to opening themselves to emotional experience, regardless of any given instance being gendered or not. Until it becomes unmanageable, it feels easier to lock away senses of joy, sadness, etc. cause you can keep gettin on by in a sort of functional state and you tell yourself thats enough.

This is far from the worst thing I've come across so far, but I am feeling confused and the confusion is unique in its own way to the extent that I'm not even able to pin down how I /feel/ about feeling it. At its heart I can't seem to muster the right formulation of words to explain to others these particular experiences I'm having in my transition. Painting in broad strokes can be such disservice to the nuance for any individual's cluster of experiences, but tumblr if anything *for me* has brought much happiness in finding threads of commonality with others. Stark contrasts to my feelings of loneliness and seclusion from the world around me give me so much hope. I'm writing this partly in hopes that there is another one of those threads people might appreciate seeing. I do more than my fair share of journaling, but this one feels special and worth sharing right now, and so decadently I write these words for a community beyond myself.

To be blunted, perhaps I might phrase it by saying 'i feel sad about being happy.' It's that sort of absurdist perspective that helps me wrap my head around it a little better with how little sense it makes to my normal machinations. I'm not sad that I am having these new and thrilling experiences of adding or or changing parts of myself to live in the way I best see fit for who I am, but I feel sad because I don't know how to.

I get locked up at the slightest things. Someone compliments my nails, and its so hard to communicate efficiently the impossibly depthed importance this literally surficial act has for me. They aren't even painted well, but I painted them /myself/, I felt catharsis in exploring my love of artistic expression in the choice of colours, I rode high on the thrill of watching this new skill form in my own hands. The coat is uneven and I can't quite keep myself from getting knicks in places as they dry yet and I'm still practicing the nail care associated with maintaining healthy and resilient nails, but if I can be so bold to say, god forbid women do anything.

This person obviously wasn't chastising me for partaking in a traditionally "femininely-associated act", let alone that so thoroughly most things people take for gendered in no way innately are, the whole binary supposition is a damned myth. But because of how I was brought up and the mindset I was taught to have before I fought to think for myself instead, this was a joy I'd always admired but felt I was abhorrent for wanting to partake in. Absolutely anyone who feels otherwise can irrevocably go fuck themselves if they aren't willing to examine the falsity of the foundational thoughts they 'think' they have leading them to ever want someone to abstain from such a viscerally unobstructive and innocuous form of self exploration and creativity bexause it's "for girls". This goes for anything. For anyone. Idc who you are or what label you wanna use at any given moment, go explore. Live life. God fuck do we need people to just experience joy in some ways so we aren't so incorrigible and hostile towards eachother.

But you don't stop whoever took 15 seconds out of their say to mention to you they like the colour and wanted you to know to discurse at length upon the structural bastardisation of who people are allowed to be, cause more than any of that I just want to feel happy about it.

I literally stutter out whatever form of thanks my malformed emotionally-communicative faculties can muster in this surprise and try not to start sobbing in the grocery store aisle or whatever. It's so /good/, and it's so frustrating that I don't even know how to just process and appreciate that it is.

I was so much an absentee in my own bodied self that I could not fathom an understanding of what gender euphoria was until it snuck up smashed me in the teeth. I didn't have any basis of understanding for what it was really like to be happy about some part of myself.

Despite my loneliness I have still had the experiences of friendships, people caring about me, and relationships where a partner genuinely appreciated parts of me, physical, mental, emotional, whatever. More now than ever I am having those experiences as I learn to come out of my cloister inside my head. But this time I'm not just numb to everything. Sure, as I'm learning to not just be unilaterally numb until my bastion of self-isolation fails and I break there is abundance of pain, but the pain I honestly prefer. It's more vivid than it's ever been before, but I can benchmark that I'm still alive by its contrast to neutrality. It's familiar, and my mechanisms of clutching my emotions into my soul can still carry me forward as I try to figure things out. But fuck me is it ever hard to have a happy experience and not know how to communicate that it tore my sense of stability in those moments to shreds. To lose the composure that carried me for so many years because someone sought to share something with me they thought I'd appreciate because they care about me feels so counterproductive to just enjoying the absolute gift that experience is.

Abstractly, as I'm wont to do to a remarkably self-apparent fault, I can tell myself that these things take time. Human emotion is so complex, and its panoply of shifting lights glinting as the facets move their positioning relative to the light of being alive is what drives me to do art, and it always has been, contradictory so fully to my desire to lock everything away. I can't circumnavigate multiple decades of trauma and be free and unfettered in my senses in an instant just because I'm aware it's possible. And so I try so fucking hard not to just sit down and cry in that grocery store aisle, cause it hurts so bad to be happy.

How dare I find glints of good in the polluted landscape we live in. But that mindset helps nothing. People striving to live amidst turmoil is what makes life worth living. There will always be strife, but there will always be the possibility for hope alongside it.

Without fail, each night I'll self-soothe myself into a mode of somewhat-restfulness imagining what it would be like to trust myself enough to be imperfect and let someone hold me. It's the only thing I do anymore. It even backfires sometimes and I just waking-dream my way through countless blissful scenarios about what it would be like if that cute girl I've been starting to become friends with mentioned she wanted to hold my hand for hours until the sun comes up and I know I won't have any sleep at all. It's so goddamn worth it. I revel in it, because at least in the theatre of my mind I can find small ways of letting myself feel those joys. They aren't really happening. It's my own hand rubbing a thumb gently along my collarbone in a faux affection. But it's the only way I've found that's not so obstructively blinding in intensity for me to practice what it would be like to be close to others.

I still lose my sense of self so often. I find bruises from where I bumped into things and wholesale didn't notice until the tiredness sets in and I can't autonomously ignore how sore I am. I dive effortlessly into the placid waters of dissociation when someone gives me a hug, despite that being what I have dreamed of for so many years during my self-imposed isolation. Someone tells me they like an art piece I've made and I stopper any sense of pride or appreciation for their kind words despite pouring however much time channeling my slowly uncoiling understanding of reality into every particle of it and wishing that my experiences could convey any amount of any feeling whatsoever to another living being with the entirely selfish act of wanting that I feel like I had a real connection.

I can't get by with chainsmoking and shelf-set pain medications and blind ignorance any more. I can't ignore how badly I want to feel. I am figuring it out instant by instant and it scares me horribly. One day my yearnings for closeness will be actualised because I'll be ready to open when they come. My selfsense-extracted mutterings of the hypothetical joys of being pressed down into sheets and kissed because someone deigned to gift me with attention for they hold appreciation of this newly forming, ill-configured, but ultimately revelatory feminine self I'm becoming will no longer be fiction and prose but the rawness of experience that I, once, and then more, can lose myself into without terror thay I'm inadequate and never truly worth it. Someone will touch my breasts and love me for loving them myself and I'll give in to the annihilating instant where I am no longer a sense of self but just am. This body is not me but my, and I will scrape and fight however I can muster to live vicariously thru it because that is what I am meant to do by being here alive at all. If anything ever again I want to feel what love is like.

I'm not even reading this back to see if it conveys properly let alone makes sense at all. I'm exhausted and in so much pain. If you read this, thanks, and, if you can, go hug someone you love today.

[fuck-customers]

I was serving a woman while her friend stood by. The one I'm serving turns to her friend while I'm scanning her stuff and says (unprovoked, deliberately loud and aimed at me) "you can tell HE'S a man because of HIS nose". She did this in front of a queue full of people, so then I've got the friend and some other customers scowling at me from the line because they are now questioning whether I'm transgender. I am biologically female and have never taken any kind of HRT for any reason, but this racist fuck thinks she can tell someone's birth sex based off their nose shape? I don't feel safe walking home from work alone at the best of times, let alone after this.

Posted by admin Rodney.