#and I thought to myself “how hot would it be if on top of transitioning I was stupidly pregnant?” and I decided “very hot actually"

[greatbigbellies]

I feel like there are some really fun/hot/cute things you can go with pregnant trans women and while this is far from an exhaustive list, I'm always campaigning for more tfpreg so allow me to share some ideas.

Trans lady who hasn't seen her friends in a while... like the better part of a year, finally getting the reunite with them after some effective rounds of HRT. Everyone's excited to see her after some time transitioning... but they didn't anticipate her waddling in with a full term belly. Her confidence has grown as much as her tummy, and the previously very reserved egg they knew has turned into a beautiful, proud trans woman who isn't afraid to turn heads or take up some space... and with such an impressive belly, she does both quite well. She revels in having her tummy rubbed by her friends, and is very open to answering questions about her pregnancy. Turns out she's not full term, just 7 months with twins.

Trans lady whos still working out the whole "dressing nicely in femme clothes" thing... it doesn't come naturally to everyone, and she's still figuring out her look. Getting pregnant only applied more pressure. Her anime graphic tees now don't even reach her navel. The jeans that she's had for YEARS now don't even pull up past her baby-weight-expanded butt, let alone button. She keeps underestimating the size of her belly, so the maternity shirts she brings home to try to remedy the issue are still too tight to really fit. Perhaps both most excitingly and jarringly, her breasts have expanded enough between the HRT and pregnancy that she went from being fairly flat chested to having a capital R Rack. Thankfully, she has a good support network who are going to intervene to fix her wardrobe. Just in time for the third trimester.

Trans lady who is full term and struggling with her size. She's not one of the stereotypical lanky, tall trans girls who can leverage some extra height to keep the belly from getting too in the way. She's 5'4", 41 weeks with a 10 pound baby, and she's had enough. She loves painting her nails but bending over to do her toes is basically impossible, and while she tries to keep her legs shaved, the third trimester has been rough. Thankfully, she has a very supportive partner who goes the extra mile to help her feel comfortable and pretty while she's carrying their kid. Boxes of chocolates, pedicures, gentile help applying lotion to her body... she's pampered and feminine, as she should be.

[keeskiwi]

I had a transgenderization surgery 1 month ago and I got the clear to stop wearing my post-op binder yesterday, and I keep feeling the desire to write out my thoughts somewhere but not knowing where, and then I remembered tumblr is The transgender website, so, you know, why not.

I had a double incision top surgery on January 30th. It feels pretty surreal in some ways. I first started experimenting with gender things in late 2010, grabbed a binder from Underworks in 2011, then kind of coasted along in a state of "well, a haircut, name change, and some new clothes have been working out for me mostly well enough and my breasts aren't that big anyway and maybe it's not a big deal even though every year I'll research if I can make my insurance cover it just in case and daydream a bit about something horrible happening that would require my breasts to get removed, with a side of quietly burning with envy when I see someone else get medical care for their dysphoria." For. A while.

Late 2022 I finally decided I would bring it up with my doctor, and after over a year of horrible insurance wrangling I finally ended up with a consult in early January, and then suddenly they called me back and said they could squeeze me in by the end of the month.

January 30th I got up at early-o-clock, went to the hospital, met my surgery team, got knocked out, and woke up with a new chest. I'm really glad I didn't have to travel for surgery and was back home that evening. Between that and having two partners (one of whom has had top surgery himself) to care for me afterwards, I feel really grateful.

Anyway yeah, this was the most significant surgery I've had before. It was your standard double incision, although I opted to go without nipple grafts, for a couple reasons:

I had heard that nips were kind of tricky healing-wise, and as a health-anxiety-prone kind of person I didn't really need the extra fear of something going wrong there in my life.

Especially because I didn't have any particular attachment to the idea of nipples in the first place. Sometimes I wonder if this was an extension of wearing a vaguely skin-tone binder for the past decade+. Any time I saw myself with a flattened chest, it was without nipples, because they were being hidden by the binder ha.

Additionally, a thing I've struggled with wrt medical transition is that it often feels like the goal for my agab is to transition towards masculinity, and while I'm okay being mistaken as male (especially over being mistaken as female) it's actually kind of important to me that I'm...not male? Masculinity as gender neutrality is something that really irritates me. I'm not any flavor of trans guy. So going no-nips felt like a way to make a conscious change to my body that was perpendicular to the masculinity/femininity binary.

And finally, while exploring the concept I found out that some people really hate the idea of people transitioning to having nippleless chests, because to be human is to have nipples (I guess?) so removing your nipples was trying to remove yourself from humanity (I??? guess???) and while there's a LOT to unpack there, as someone with only a passing identification with the concept of humanity I found this appealing in a "don't threaten me with a good time" kind of way.

Maybe I'll just get tattoos of wasps there instead.

The first time I saw myself at my first post-op was like--my chest is covered in incisions and tape and dried blood and marker and swelling but somehow it was still the most comfortable and appealing thing I had ever seen, and I keep feeling kind of amazed? I think that I had been really focused on like, specific Things I Could Do Post-Top Surgery, like wearing better-fitting T-shirts or taking my shirt off during the summer when it was hot, and I didn't fully realize just how...good it would be just existing? At first I thought it was hyperbolic thinking, but the more I consider it the more I feel that I've spent more time voluntarily looking at and interacting with my chest in the past month than I have the whole rest of my life. Some of it was forced aftercare from the surgery of course, but I lose a bunch of time each day just getting caught in front of mirrors. I didn't realize that I could like the way I look under my clothing so much.

And things like, realizing I've been saying "my chest [euphemistic, regretful]" in regards to my breasts my whole life, so I keep wanting to say "I don't have a chest anymore"--but the thing is, I do! I do have a chest still, and "my chest" is now something I feel happy to claim because I got to choose it. It's a little ouchy and lumpy and at the moment it looks like someone taped poison ivy to it because my skin finally got sick of the surgery tape and staged a revolt, but it's still the best chest I've had in living memory, and it's only going to get better from here.

I'm just really happy.

[vizthedatum]

I never thought I'd say this... But I might consider phalloplasty.

I don't know how much I'll grow on T. I may very well grow enough to be satisfied.

But like FUCK. I can see myself getting hotter. Like a lot hotter.

And even though I'm so new to medical transition, I am having less bottom dysphoria because I know it is possible for me.

My friend, he’s about to have his uterus removed… and he was talking really excitedly about phalloplasty the other day.

And my fears of the surgery momentarily subsided.

Plus everyone I've slept with or will sleep with this year have been so affirming (even before I started T!). They always affirm that it doesn't matter how big my dick gets. That it would still be loved as the rest of me in bed. (honestly t4t or dating pansexual people who aren't transphobic is the way to go - I feel very seen)

—

I also woke up today wanting to have just been born with a dick already. I could have still been a nonbinary femboy!

I woke up imagining myself, a gay cis-man with another man… being romantic. And just cuddling. And walking around. We both have dicks. We both hold hands. *swoon*

(don't get me wrong, I also wake up extremely sapphic! I fantasize about women - so many types of women - all the time!!)

I mean I'm bipan and genderfluid - I'm having fantasies constantly lmao.

—

I took a materials science course in college where phalloplasty and related surgeries was part of the curriculum. I was an engineer major. We had to watch surgery videos and stuff.

I'm scared. I have already had so much pelvic trauma simply due to my chronic conditions.

And to have major surgery? (which I'd have after making sure I was def not gonna have a baby biologically… or after I was done giving birth)

It is scary.

Even the prospect of having top surgery FOR THE SURGERY PART is scary.

I would look so hot with top surgery though. I would still wear bras. I would wear whatever I wanted. I imagine wearing cute shirts. And long necklaces lying flat on my skin.

And seducing everyone. :3

—

I know I was a pretty woman, and I love that I was.

But fuck.

CAN YOU EVEN IMAGINE

(I can, obviously)

(I might be having a moment after finally taking my T shot this week lol)

(but fuck, I look so cute rn)

(and I guess it helps that other people think I'm cute too - and that they talk about my anatomy in a respectful but excited manner!!! I feel desired. I FEEL DESIRED.)

And I feel hot when I look at myself.

[magm4kyy]

My fursona - Vito (Self-portrait)

Today it was really hot, and I decided to tie my bra like this and go shirtless, I thought it was really beauty! But I was embarrassed to actually wear the clothes I put a blouse on top and some colorful shorts But I decided to draw how I would really like to be dressed! (At home) I would like to sit on the porch and just feel the cold wind hitting my body I would like to sit alone and then hang myself and sigh But unfortunately (or fortunately?) I have other people living with me Loneliness is rare, desired but unlucky I am afraid of what might really happen if I ever find myself completely alone, what could I do with myself? I think about this every day Anyway! I hope you enjoyed the drawing I tried to make my own body, I'm trying to get used to it (Improve my self-esteem) while I still can't transition There are many things that bother me So I would like to enjoy the moments when I feel beautiful, even if I don't have the courage to take a picture

Bye~bye, Sweethearts!💖💖 Goodnight

[sothasil]

Hi! You're one of my favorite artists ever, and I would love to do some studies of your art! What are some of your favorite pieces that you've done, and how do you pick your colors? There's a lot more questions that I could ask, but figured you wouldn't appreciate an entire list of questions XD

Hello and thank you, I am honored! Feel free to send me all and any questions! I'll answer these two, starting by:

How do you pick your colors?

As I change art style with pretty much every illustration project of significance, this varies a lot. Here are, from most to least common, ways I pick my colors.

Eyeballing it. Unfortunately my most common... What I will do a lot digitally is lay down a color background, and flats of a few colors, then manually adjust each until they look good together by selecting by color and using adjustements. I then paint over it all.

Using a limited palette, eyeballed. Same as before, but this time I force myself to only use a few colors. It helps me, as constraints do.

Using a reference, eyeballed. This happens a lot when I mimick an art style. My medieval drawings for example, are often done by looking at images of actual medieval art to get an idea of what colors to use to look medieval.

Using an existing image, pipetted. Rarely, often as a challenge or if I'm super stuck, I'll just take a pic with colors I like and pipet from it. This website automates this if you want a good easy starting point!

These can be combined around. I'll post examples now, explaining how they use each.

This is a sketch for a drawing I ended up doing way different. This is the first method - I used a flat layer for the characteres and three colors for the sky to test out atmosphere. This is how I plan out most full paintings, just trying to nail down a mood I have in my head. I fiddle around until I like it or, like in this case, fully give up and iterate further. Here, the composition was to be redone too as I did not like the body language. I was going for "bright hot sunny day under a weather that feels wrong".

For this comic, I combined a very limited palette and a photo ref to pipet from. I was looking for the stark cold/warm contrast of a mid-season bright night by a fireside. I took a google image photo of a campfire at night that was already edited. The photo itself looks unnatural but conveyed what I wanted. It's still on the file itself! From it, I pipetted a few colors I found "summed up" the palette and did all with them.

While my own habits make me prefer painting as you would in traditional methods, with directly picking the right colors, I will often digitally alter with overlays and layer blending modes some colors and gradients, etc, to alter a drawing to fix it's color palette. The following is a quite egregious example, because I first drew the character in flats before putting him in a full scene. Here is a before/after summed up.

The shadow is a layer, the bright yellow light zones also, and the orange "transitions" of light zones on the skin a third. There's also an overlay over the full character to blend him in. I do this by...making a full flat color of a layer, fucking around until a blending mode does what I want, and adjusting hue/brightness/saturation and opacity until it looks good.

Another WIP where I was struggling with the overall palette. I was going for late 60s psychedelic. You can see in the top right the original color. I thought it looked too...new, so I added a yellow layer on top, and fiddled with it. Final choice was the following setting. I then put it with my sketch and color blockout in a folder and painted over it.

For this sort of adjustement, the "Color Balance" modifier in CSP, Photoshop, and others is also a godsend - but one I often use for fine tuning a finished piece.

This being said, there's some rough rules to coloring which are...born from studying color theory and doing studies. I am guilty of doing very little studies...so I'll just sum up the basics of the color theory rules I use.

For "default" shading, I use a color that is darker, more saturated and with a slight hue diff. This is my "don't shade with black".

Using a shadow that's cooler will make the light look warm.

Vice versa.

There's a bunch of stuff to remember in how colors relate to each other and pipetting images who's atmosphere you think is interesting really is the best way to learn... It's learning how to black-blue/gold-yellow dress in your own art for the lack of a better word...But the basics will be:

Don't trust numerical values, but look at your colors in context. A same hue, brightness, saturation can look so much different. This is how Rakkan's beard looks whiteish here despite being a light very grey brown.

All this but...colour is such a wide topic, I can't really say a lot but can also type for hours... if you have precise questions about a piece in particular I can explain :') I hope this wasn't too vague and was instructive!

Speaking of particular pieces, answering your question last under the cut:

What are some of your favorite pieces that you've done?

In no particular order, illustration only.

Including this in another poast bc staff's new post editor limits the amounts of pics I can put in response to asks. Insert colorful language here...

Frankly twas hard to pick I am rarely fond of what I draw

[astoldbyaja]

The Blossom surrounded by Fire - Ch. 30 (Warrior AU- HBO MAX)

This was different, kissing Li Yong, feeling his hands against me. They were filled with need and a slight aggression, but each touch transitioned from rough and soft against my body.

He was showing his power, but also showing that he would be gentle with me. Zing would never show that. Bolo doesn’t know how to show that. I found myself enjoying the taste of Li Yong’s lips, the way he licked and sucked on my lips was passionate. Every moan he drew from me, he responded with a soft growl of his own. His eyes were filled with lust, the same lust I have seen in all the men who have had me, but with this gentleness, I came to trust his lust. His arms wrapped around me and with his strength he raised me up and brought me to the pillow at the end of the couch.

He loomed over me giving me a warm smile, a smile that showed I could trust him. He pecked my lips before moving to press a warm kiss to my cheek, then they he kissed my temple until he was at my left ear. I tense a bit wondering what it was he would do. Then he presses the gentlest of kisses to the tip and I gasp softly at the sensations that begin to move through me flowing water.

I could feel heat rising in my core. My hands moving to caress his skin and slowly his body starts to shift south, moving beneath my legs and pulling my dress up over my stomach. He plants kisses around my navel before taking my left thigh and spreading it further apart. I felt my heart race a bit. I was nervous. Why? His hand disappears and I feel the sides of my panties being pulled down and mindlessly dropped to the side. His dark eyes never leave mine, as he raises one of my feet to his face removing my slippers and gently pressing a kiss to the soles of my feet. He continues to kiss down my ankle and calves before finally moving to settle between my legs.

“D-don’t.” I said moving to rest my hand over the side of his head. I don’t know why I stopped him. Maybe it was because he was moving so slow and being gentle with me. With the others it’s fast and aggressive and hot. Who knows what could happen between us. What could he possibly do that’ll be different from the others. My body only knows aggression. He looks up at me slightly bemused before giving my inner thigh a chaste kiss.

“Let me worship you, Amaka. Let me help you feel things you have never felt before. Let me help you forget about your past and replace it with only the thoughts of our future.” he said breathlessly before disappearing between my legs. For a brief second, I couldn’t help but look skeptically at the top of his head before suddenly I feel my muscles tighten around three thick fingers. My eyes widen and I let out a high-pitched moan, covering my mouth as I was surprised by noise. His fingers are curling and scraping against my insides while his tongue swirls in perfect motion around my clit. I was panting and heaving from the sudden rush of feelings. Oh god it feels good. My walls are aching and throbbing immediately, as I can feel slick juices pouring onto his mouth.

“Aahh!” I cried out feeling my hips raise. With his free hand he placed his hand flat on my stomach and lowered me.

“Unbutton your dress.” he mutters before going back to pumping away at my core. I do as I’m told, quickly unbuttoning my dress, because I was on fire. My breasts were freed from the loose bra I wore, my hardened nipples were sensitive to the air alone. I was shaking now from the pleasure. When I felt the tips of his fingers brushing against that sweet spot, I cried out more my fingers now gripping it his hair. I bit my lip hard, feeling spasms rocking into me. I can feel Li Yong’s free hand on my hip holding me to his face. He mutters something, and I don’t hear it as first.

“Rub the tip of your ear, Amaka.” he commands. What! Rub them myself? I had never done such a thing; I was almost scared to do it. My ears were… created as a means to control me. I had never touched my ears in such a way my past lovers and rapists had. “Take back your body, your pleasure. Touch them.” I look down at Li Yong, my eyes swelling with tears to show my fear, but the encouragement in his eyes as he continued to violate my clit gave me strength. I raised my hand slowly to the side of my head. Even through all this intense pleasure I felt fear.

Images of past abuse was flashing in my mind. No! I can’t let those thoughts control me. I finally feel my fingertips at the tips of my right ear, and I gasped at the stomach tightening sensations. My ear is warm and soft as I rubbed over the outer shell. I shivered more feeling my body melting into a mess. My other hand left his head and moved up to caress and massage my breasts giving the desperate attention they needed. All of these sensations were too intense.

Li Yong growled attacking my tight muscles even faster with such ferocity, my eyes rolled back, and I felt a gushing and fast throbbing sensation as I felt my orgasm hitting me hard. I yelled out hard, my legs shaking beyond my control. I panted and whimpered and moaned even as he continued to pump away at my ringing muscles. It was too much; the overstimulation had my hips trying to move back from his hold on its own. But he held my hip and continued to attack my wet folds practically devouring my orgasm. I was cumming again right after. I screamed harder, my stomach muscles tightening even more, and my vagina was exploding with overwhelming tremors.

“Ohgodohgodohgod!” I chanted and cried out. Li Yong finally withdrew from me, sitting up with a quick lick of his lips. He tore off his jacket and removed the white shirt beneath it. I was used to this motion. I sat up myself, letting my dress slide off of me and I moved to his pants, however he stopped me immediately with his hands. With his wounded hand, his grip wasn’t as tight. I looked up at him confused, and he just smiled gently at me as he shook his head.

“I told you I was worshipping you and I meant it.” he said. He did not want me to return the favor? He grinned and placed his forehead against mine giving me a gentle nuzzle and removing his hands from mine to pull down his pants himself. His gentle eyes never left mine, and while I stared into his deep rich eyes, I slid off the rest of my dress until finally we were naked together. He let out a low groan as his eyes roamed over my body, and I did the same. Like many tong members, he had scars, not many but a few across his firm abdomen and his arms. I noticed the very girthy and impressive size cock between his legs. I looked back up at him and he smiled bringing his hands to gently caress my cheek, and I found myself leaning into his touch.

His hands were calloused and hard from the numerous fights he’s been in, but here in this moment, they were the softest I had ever felt from a man. I leaned back against the couch again and spread my legs wide for him. I took hold of his hand on the way back and pulled him to me. He wasted no time in resting his chest down on my own, pushing my breasts into his pectorals.

Our eyes traces over each other’s faces ensuring both our attention were on each other. I feel the head of his cock at my entrance, and he immediately captures my lips and plunges in. I moan out into his mouth, my vaginal walls clamping down on him like a vice and he groans in response. He was bigger than I had expected. I grip his shoulders in response. He feels deep in my stomach. It feels good. Then he moves back and then pushes in again. I whimper in response and feel him start to set a steady pace. He’s churning up my insides and my stomach is twisting up. I feel my hands now scraping down his back and my head falls back to release heavy pants and moans into the air.

Li Yong moans into my neck as he starts to push faster, his cock creating waves upon waves of pleasure in my tight heat. I feel his teeth now starting to bite down in my flesh and in response, my legs lock around his hips, not wanting him to ever leave me. He looks at me with a deep, lustful gaze and I return the look, now moving my hips back to meet his thrusts. He groans at the feeling of his cock grinding deeper into me now that my body was answering his even more.

“Just like I suspect, tight and hot. I hate that other men have had you first, but I love that your body has only accepted mine.” he pants. I felt I was spiraling with each vicious and delicious thrust. I was not used to hearing such a calm and collective man speaking such dirty things into my skin.

“Do not say that! You know Long Zii could give my body to any man if he wishes!” I moaned out. I watched the look of darkness appear over his face before lust hid it again.

“You will do what you must to show loyalty to our tong. But in the end my body will be the only one your body knows and trusts to never hurt it.” he grunts. I nodded obediently holding him to me as my core was on fire once more and that deep inner sensation was staring to grow again. I his arm over my head, gripping my curls lightly.

“Ahh Li Yong… I’m so close!” I cried out.

“I feel you tightening around me. Give it all to me, Amaka.” He groans moving even faster pounding away at that sweet spot yet again inside me and I could no longer hold back. Suddenly, we both moan out hard against each other and I feel my walls ringing beyond control as he pours himself deep inside me. He holds himself firmly against me making sure all of him drips into me. He presses his forehead into mine so that we could both look the orgasmic faces we made. Our bodies bucked and shivered violently as we rode out pleasure against each other. I could feel the sweat from his brow drip down on me.

I couldn’t stop the smile that spread across my lips. He mirrored it and leaned down kissing me passionately. I wrapped my arms around him returning the kiss and giving myself to him completely.

Normal POV

The night was quiet in Chinatown and the pond. Dylan Leary threw back a shot of whiskey, his head completely filled with thoughts of how he could break the Chinese scum that were coming across the water like rats and taking good American jobs from the hardworking Irish. He felt it would soon be time to start doing real damage. Their population was growing in Chinatown. Maybe that would all stop if Chinatown was no more…

“Hey Dylan.” Micky, the man behind the bar, said lowly. Dylan looked at him and noticing he was motioning toward the door. Four white men were standing there, white shirts, black overalls, big dirty jackets. They were scanning the bar. The four men approached the bar, the tallest one, leaning on it.

“What kind of bar is this?” he asked Micky. Dylan took note of his accent. He was from the south that much was for sure.

‘The hell are these bastards doing here?’ Dylan thought already starting to frown but keeping his head low to listen.

Micky scoffed.

“An Irish bar.” he said proudly. The tall man nodded.

“Niggers ever come in here?” he asked. Micky shook his head.

“Not if they want to swallow their teeth they don’t.” he said. Dylan glanced at Micky before looking down. He remembered the colored woman who was in his bar a while back. The woman with the devil ears and sharp tongue. Amaka. She was smarter than she let on and Dylan was upset she hid her smartness from her. It felt like she got the best of him.

“Where do your colored stay?” the tall man asked.

“Who do you think you are, coming in here, asking questions about niggers like I’m their keeper or something!” Micky asked offended.

“The coloreds stay on the other side of town and for the most part keep to themselves,” Dylan said lowly, not liking the way these men stood and how they looked down on Micky like he was nothing. The four men looked at him now. Dylan was giving them a sharp glare, “Don’t think they’d take too kindly four southern men like yourself going over to cause trouble.”

The tall man now turned to face Dylan who just leaned up to stand and face him. The two stared at each other with fire in their eyes. The tall man nodded slowly.

“We’re looking for a negress with pointed ears. Only one of her kind. Have you seen such a creature?” he asked. Dylan’s jaw tightened a bit. He may not care for the coloreds here, but the colored he had seen never caused trouble for him or his people and they worked hard without taking jobs from the Irish. They were humans just like him. Dylan shook his head.

“Never heard of a woman like that.” he said. Mickey looked at his boss wondering why he would lie, and the tall man looked between the two men, giving a squint. Dylan puffed out his chest a bit, his hands curling into fists. If these men wanted a brawl, he’d happily give them one. More Irish started to stand behind Dylan, sensing a possible fight.

The tall men looked around at the men and nodded slowly.

“Yeah.” he said lowly. Without saying anything else, he turned and with heavy boots he marched from the bar with the three other men following behind him. Dylan just glared heavily at the door. These men could be trouble if they weren’t handled.

[voidlingduck]

So! I have finished Starless Sea, and will try to compile some detailed thoughts on it later - but suffice to say I greatly enjoyed it and thought it an excellent read, there’s a lot to appreciate about it in my opinion.

But! My current book is Fourth Wing, which I chose because a) it is about dragon riders and b) I have heard it is not very good. And I’ll be honest I’m kind of craving a bit of inspiration in the form of ‘I could do this better’/‘here’s what I DONT want to do’. Though I’m also open to seeing what I do enjoy about it!

But we’ve already got a bit of it! I’ve decided I’m not a huge fan of instant attraction and the over the top initial descriptions of people as suuuper hot and sexy - especially in the context of knowing this is an enemies to lovers. It’s got me thinking about how I would approach such a dynamic, and how I would approach the perceived attractiveness of characters… because I feel that it would be rather compelling to have the attraction to the physical appearance grow alongside the live attraction… like we get the physical descriptors still but the commentary around them is less ‘oh he is infuriatingly hot’ and more idk ‘he’s intimidating and imposing and I have to recognise this look for my safety’ and have there be a gradual transition of ‘oh these traits are now things that I find really hot and attractive.' very much a personal preference thing, but it comes to mind. I understand there is an appeal to the ‘ugh he’s sooo hot but so evil’ thing but I think I prefer subtlety and development in that department! Learning things about myself ✨ Exciting.

[abbysbasement]

wip list! longpost with a poll!

(divider - animatedglittergraphics-n-more)

currently have 20 reqs, trying to fill older ones first, but it mostly depends on which ones interest me the most at a certain time! Working on shorter ones tonight, but there are some longer ones I want to explore deeper! Here's a peek at some oneshots/requests that I plan on releasing, as well as some longer fics I have planned! And because I like to have fun here, you can choose which one you want released first!

not specially ordered or anything ;w;'

ONESHOTS/LONGFIC

(will be around the length of Morale Adjustment at minimum, or longer)

ABBY ANDERSON

THE Bespoke Abby Breeding Fic - TITLE: TOP DOG. Yes, the one I swore I would post like a week ago. It's super long and initially didn't have an intro so I've been working on it on and off. Partially in bulleted format, transitions to standard OS format after. 3k+ words. breeding, rough sex, blowjob/titjob, unprotected sex, creampies (lol), abby kinda babytraps reader. source universe, abby is slightly older than in canon (23-24ish), reader is younger (19-21?) and the wlf has actual ranks (translated: I looked up military rankings on google and started bullshitting) I wrote this on my period (translate: I'm a gross whore) abby is kind of mean but it's hot, get slutty about it. 90% completion. Has three (much shorter and more experimental) parts.

'You wanted to be wanted this way. To be desired and used completely, to be owned.'

The Bespoke Pornstar!Abby Fic - TITLE: XXX/RED LIGHT. The reader is a new rising star in the world of lesbian porn. One night, before your first anxiety-ridden scene, your costar arrives at your trailer to calm your nerves. Abby is the industry's top adult performer, practically the girl-on-girl bible famous for her rough, bad girl persona on stage, and her soft interior. You're given the persona of sex kitten; innocent, naive, and ready for the plucking, and in your first scene, her job is to break you in. Perhaps multiple parts, 3k+ words. Ellie is going to make an appearance as a 'rival' AV Performer, (but off camera her and Abs are good friends) who you'll have a later BD/SM scene with. Extremely rough draft, so no content tags yet.

"I'll do all of the work, baby. Just look straight in the camera and give your fans a pretty face to get off to."

The Bespoke Prisoner!Abby Fic - TITLE: DOIN' TIME (or something corny like that, we'll see.) When you're new in prison, they always tell you, go up to the biggest guy in the room and punch him in the face. Terrible advice, by the way. But when you're locked up on a misdemeanor and sent to a women's correctional facility, the rules are a bit different. So you find the biggest girl in the room, and you fuck her. Obviously. Extremely rough, no content tags. 3k+ words.

'Abby offered a deal; she gave you what you wanted, and you gave her what she wanted.'

The Bespoke and Formerly Scrapped College!Abby Fic - TITLE: PAPI BONES. Your roommate Dina drags you to a college frat party, and you hate it, all crowds and sweat and people. You wish you were home, but in a cruel twist of fate, a drunken game of spin the bottle turns into you, face to face in a dark closet with the captain of the rugby team and her head between your legs. studious!reader, jock/loverboy!abby, assplay, cunnilingus (r!receiving), fingering (r!receiving), primal!adjacent? i wrote in my editing notes, 'almost corruption, but pure?' so let that set the tone for you. potential part 2. Actually 90% complete, I just started beating myself up about it for no reason ;w;

"“s’okay baby, tell me how you want me. i’m yours.” and you thought that declaration would destroy you, ‘i’m yours.’  and it felt very, very real."

MINIFICS/DRABBLES (No poll for these because they'll all make it to the blog at some point)

ABBY

Bimbo!Reader x Abby Anderson (Mechanic!Abby? idk. She makes good money and reader is spoiled asl though.) dumbification, rough sex, there's a scene where reader sucks abby's strap while she's chewing bubblegum and licks the splattered gum off so there's that, spanking, face slapping, abby calls reader her fleshlight. partial HC/blurb format?

Semipublic sex with abby in her bedroom window

A/B/O WW Abby, breeding, half wolf!reader. she mounts and rawfucks you with her massive monster cock while you're in heat. primal, marking, too big cock/stretching pussy, mindbreak, impregnation. 2-2.5k.

ELLABS

Abby and Ellie are members of a rock band, you're a groupie and you'll do anything to get on the tour bus...

Abby and Ellie are both bad cops when it comes to training you, and they help the other keep you in line.

"Didn't she tell you to fucking behave?"

ELLIE

bully!ellie, dubcon/CNC esque? ellie steps on readers cunt with her boot. pussyslaps, knifeplay, degradation, she is not a nice young lady. 1.5-2k words.

dealer!ellie headcannons

ellie blasphemy kink oneshot

DINA/DINELLIE

Roommate dina corrupting innocent!reader. Somno, caring dom!dina, dina has a hairy pussy because I said so, dina takes reader's virginity with a dildo, sloppy makeouts, flashback of dina 💦 to the sounds of reader masturbating while thinking dina is asleep, Dina has big boobs and playfully does a cute boob comparison and plays w readers titties. this one might actually get pushed up because I'm thinking nasty ***** thoughts. you bump coochies with dina, that's the fic.

Your friend Dina takes you over to her sneaky link, and the campus dealer, Ellie's house. Unbeknownst to you, they invited you over to score in another way, too. dom!ellie, soft dom! dina, sub!ellie. drug use, strap on penetration, voyeurism, cunnilingus, cum swapping, mutual strap sucking, mutual masturbation.

yeah... that's all i got for you babies. enjoy.

[genderfluidloki]

They say that your 30s are a time of transformation and growth. When I was visiting my friend in Chicago in April, he told me that he can already see this happening in me.

I turned 29 in March and I feel it. I feel like I am expanding, and I am getting too big for my world as it is now. There is so much more I want, so much more I need. I am discovering things about myself at what feels like breakneck speed, and it's frankly overwhelming.

The aforementioned visit to Chicago was a catalyst - it led to the dams breaking open. My friend lives in Andersonville, one of the queer neighborhoods. It blew my fucking mind that there were entire neighborhoods in this giant city filled with most queer folk. I didn't know there could be that many queer people in one place. We walked everywhere - this was admittedly difficult on me. Not only do I have chronic pain, but it has gotten worse since I've started working from home and walking less. But, the public transit was incredible. And I felt confident and comfortable being myself. Fat, queer, and all.

And I felt hot. My friend is incredibly good at making me feel attractive and fun, and going out and dancing? I never thought I would enjoy clubbing, but it was magic. We went to a queer club and I danced at a club for the first time in my life. It was so fun, and it was safe, because Dita was there, and I knew she would get me out if it wasn't for me. It was like, microdosing on overstimulation. I love to dance, and I've only really ever gotten the opportunity at weddings.

I'm putting off talking about the big epiphany I had this year, one that I really felt come to the forefront in Chicago. It's because it's embarrassing, but I need to talk about it.

I realized, or admitted, finally, that I want to fuck.

Talking about sex is extremely difficult for me. I thought I had done the work and dismantled purity culture when I gained the ability to talk about sex as a concept. I never talked about sex in the context of myself because I simply wasn't interested. It works out that no one has ever been interested in me or desired me, because I'm happier on my own.

I have only been in one relationship that I would consider a real relationship. It was long distance, and it wasn't good. It lasted three years, and I was somewhat miserable throughout. I didn't get what I needed emotionally, and we barely kissed when we saw each other in person, so I didn't get what I needed physically either. I didn't know how to even admit these things to myself, because beggars can't be choosers. Someone was actually into me, and to be clear, I was very much into them, or at least I thought so.

Turns out we are both aromantic (and asexual), and we are still friends. We live together now, and our relationship is much better, but I'm glad we are no longer dating.

It wasn't too long after that that I realized I was aromantic, on top of being asexual. I just find friendship to be much more meaningful for me. I've never really understood the difference between romance and friendship, anyway.

Eventually, comes the realization, that I want to kiss my friends. I want to fuck my friends, too. I'm not sexually attracted to them, I am still asexual, but it just seems... fun. And intimate, a way to possibly deepen my connection with people.

A way to feel desirable. Something I have never felt.

If you haven't figured it out by now, I've never had sex. I've never made out with anyone. While I have been saying for a long time that I simply wasn't interested.... I wasn't telling the truth. Not to myself, not to anyone. That just made it sting less. It's embarrassing, to never have been wanted in that way.

Recently, I signed up for some dating apps. I want to make friends who I can explore this with, as I don't believe any of my friends are, and I'm scared to ask. It hasn't gone anywhere yet, but I'm facing down the reality that this is something I have to be vulnerable about. I have to tell any potential partners about this, because it's important information if we're going to be physical.

In the meantime, I'm going to try to talk about it more. I'm going to blog. Another realization I had is that I am just not getting my emotional needs met in my friendships right now. I said earlier that I am expanding, I feel like I'm being squeezed too tight, that I've become too big to be held by those who hold me now. I am desperate to be seen. I have to find the people that will see me.

I'm going to continue to blog about this transition. It may be sporadic, and I need to work on finding a balance between blogging and simply oversharing. If you want to follow along in this journey, I thank you.

[drowninginblox]

Rewatching Voltron

Season 1

Season 2

— ~~~ —- _ — ~ }=>

Wanted to say this at the top: All of this is for fun. I haven’t seen voltron in a hot minute so I’d thought I’d go through and see if it was just as bad as we remembered. Below is my highlights and grevences, along with a few Head Canons! So stay if you want. If you don’t, I don’t care! This is just a me thing ^-^

Transition between season 1 and 2

Seamless!

So satisfying on rewatch but must’ve been a bitch on release (OGs I will never know your pain lol)

Honestly wouldn't do anything to change the start of the second season.

The evolution of the paladins language

Idk if I said it already- but I love how the paladins are using Altean vocabulary. V good detail. Hope this stays consistent

Ships: Yes we’re doing this again but Klance won’t be the biggest issue

There’s a lot of Aullura and Shiro moments in the beginning that would’ve been a great foundation for something more if it wasn’t for the fact that (spoilers) Shiro is gay. The vibes they have are very knight or mercenary x princess and I’m a sucker for that shit.

Allureith is born in this season. And all I can read from this is good intentions but no thought. Both in execution and in the actual relationship. At least right now, I may change my mind the further I go.

Allurance. To me. Is the most infuriating thing this show has to offer. Every time I see Lance take a shot on Allura, and I see her discomfort I always say something along the lines of “Can you shut the fuck up-!” Or “Can you actually stOP!” While pausing for a good moment to regain myself. Just- god. Why? She is nO T into you dude. If anything this would be wonderful character development for both characters. I can see a full ep dedicated to this issue of Lance not knowing when someone isn't interested unless they actually say it to their face while Allura is in this denial that one day lance would get the hint. And from this experience, lance either fucks off for the next few episodes or starts from scratch with Allura with the understanding that friendship should always come first. If she is comfortable with that ofc.

Klance as a whole is screaming enemies far more than rivals right now. If klance is gonna work regardless of being a bromance or romance, there should be an understanding shining through. However, with both parties actually fighting in the middle of battles, and little to no willingness to talk, Iis becoming harder and harder to see why this was the biggest ship the fandom had to offer (then again 2016 was a fandom fever dream to begin with soooo)

Platonic relationships

Give me more Coran. He needs friends. I’m volunteering literally any of the palidins. And ofc we need more of the daughter Allura dynamic since we DONT HAVE ANYY. This man is such a theater kid and we are blessed with his existence.

Keith needs more time with Hunk and Pidge! For the love of god I CANNOT see them as more then trauma bonding buddies. I already have a list of things the B team (thats what I call Hunk and Pidge together because they are the Best Team) can bond over with Keith

Tech- (for both) this is built on the fact that Keith litterally had that cork board set up in the first eps to find Shiro. (Sorry Sheith shippers. I read these two as brothers only.) I like to think that Pidge and Hunk would ask Keith for help with techy stuff almost in the same vein as Lance. The only difference being Keith knows slightly more than Lance dose.

Sports- This one is mainly for Hunk but this can bleed into Lance too. Even though he's a big nerd I like to think his family is big on Foot and Fútball. I think Keith is the same but he loves baseball far more (same with Lance). Almost like I'm projecting my I Dont Dance Au onto these two hahahahaha-

Family/ lack there of - this can go for everyone. The best way to start this convo would be at dinner in the castle. Everyone is having a very quiet time until Hunk asks "Guys, what were your family's like?" This would result in a beat of quiet as for the first time in a bit, everyone really thinks about earth. Not for a passing moment or anything. Like- seriously. Allura or Coran would encurage this, saying that they dont really now alot about the palidin's home planet. From there it would a hodge podge of stories and background. I have a few HCs bout this including Shiro not really having a family and going into the airforce for financial and emotional support only to end up on the Curburos mission to.. escape life *cough cough* Adam *cough*, Pidge would talk about their mom's cooking and how their brother helped them with homework to the point where it got annoying. Hunk would say his mom's cooking is far superrior and then talk about his dad and siblings. I want to make his dad a retired wrestler, now mechanic. Lance would take offense to Hunk's claim this his mom could cout cook his mom. But he would talk alot about how his siblings were always there for him after their dad left (YES I WANT DADDY ISSUES LEAVE ME ALONE) Allura would remark throughout these stories with questions of her own. We'd eventually end with Keith, who almost leave the table at the pressure to remark on his own upbringing. This. This would be interesting.

But ima leave it there lol

The tracking plot point and rant about season 2 ep 6

Before this ep we got sprinkles of shiro/black lion tracking- wich is great. Love that shit. I have a problem with how we figure that out tho

“Zarkon must’ve imprinted one me durring our last fight.”- Keith. My man. Explain to me wtf you mean.

Fr tho. Just because you’re half Galra dosent mean that’s how it works bro. Ik we’re not fully sure at this point but- cmon.

“It’s me.” Allura. Hunny. H o w? Why even?

Why would two people who think they’re being tracked- GO TOGETHER??? Why would you even leave in the first place?! Shirio is right. Splitting up makes y’all vulnerable! Voltron can’t be formed without Keith! Why would y’all do that?? If anything why not leave in separate pods and just so happen to crash onto the same planet the paladins are on! I’m sorry I just hate the beginning of “The Arc of Taujeer” while Keith and Allura are away there is an actual humanitarian crisis. I know it’s important but damn to the tracking idea but G O D

Allura and Keith should be shunned and punished for the stunt they pulled in this ep fr. Info learned be damned

Mall episode

God bless the mall episode. An icon. Truly. All hail. All hail!!

The Blade of Malora/ Keith’s heritage + the racism

Let’s get the great out of the way: The Blade themselves- Their introduction is great. That goes without saying.

Keiths trials- M W A H the character assessment I could make is TOO LONG ON G O D

but the actual workings of the BoM is so calculated and cold. It’s honestly so refreshing in a way I don’t know how to explain

I just love untrusting rebels because that’s the reality of rebellion. You don’t know who is for the cause and who is a gov plant

I personally want Keith’s Galra heritage more known physically. Both on him and in his upbringing. I want splotches of purple across his body that no doctor can explain (all of wich can be hidden with a change of clothes) and barely noticeable physical abnormalities (ie: longer and sharper nails, maybe purple tinted hai “I dye it…”, strange “scars” that are actually birth marks that stand out. But he passes as human. Through these excuses.

I also want flashbacks to his dad trying to pass on everything he knows about his mother’s culture. (The knife and stories)

Now- I wanna talk about the bad. Y’all know it, y’all seen it- the racism

Now- Allura, sure. She has a reason to hate the Gullra. They killed her people. That is valid and I think that the truama combined with the truth that she’s working with “the enemy” is a great conflict and is honestly wonderful character growth.

HUNK ON THE OTHER HAND- w t f. This is so out of character. Hunk is literally the heart of the group and almost as smart as Pidge. I think he would know better than anyone else that litterally nothing has changed about Keith. Hell- maybe Shiro would know that struggle of people seeing him differently better than anyone else because IDK HES GAY (unless I change that. Personally I saw Shiro straight but… audience interaction? Lol I’ll put a poll on the final season if I remember) TLDR- As Keith said: “I didn’t just turn Gullra!”

Finale (season 2, episode 12 + 13)

Aullara getting over her biases and apologizing to Keith is perfect

Shirio and Keith’s chemistry is amazing as well both in and out of combat

The spy. An icon.

The amount of tension around this plan not failing is delicious. Yummy yummy- give me more!

Emperor whomever the fuck’s obsession w/ voltron carrying over to battle

Hagar being the voice of reason aGAIN. Queen shit fr.

When I first watched this I thought the paladins died ngl. Then when I rewatched I thought Allura died. Voltron out here with the drama fr

Zarkon meka action figures. When?

ALLURA DOING SHIT- F I N A L Y (Tangent will be later I promise)

HELL YEA WINGS!!! The fursona is complete

“Shit she got tats too!” Only to be met with Deisex Machina because Allura is the main character apparently

Hands to the side of voltrons face. That scene. Fucking slapped.

EVERYONE RUNNING TO DAD ONLY TO SEE HES GONE TO GET MILK- W H Y????

oh also lotor revel lol

Smaller things

The spies for the rebelion

I’m such a fake fan I don’t remember their names, but both of them left a big impact on me with their sacrifices

The guy who died in the cluster field, was a real one. Making the big bad of the episode implode on itself with him at the center- dude

Also, the guy closer to the finale who was almost caught multiple times. What a fucking trooper.

Underwent torture and still didn’t reveal the plans

Both of these dudes need art made for them! Like- I swear to God they did so much for these fuckers and we don’t hear about them, their back stories, or their families ever. When I rewrite this, I want to include pieces of what these people are sacrificing, and who they are fighting for either before, during or after they sacrifice themselves for the revolution.

TLDR; 🫡 Real ones

Zarkon’s black lion obsession bleeding into his character

I like how hyper-focused the big bad is about controlling the black lion.

He’s kind of right in his thinking that by controlling the lion, he’s won. He’s right. But from this thought process he’s reckless and too assured in himself.

It’s a self fulfilling prophecy given layers with the later seasons

Slav

I-

Icon?

Let lance be the sharp shooter

I want more sniper man!!

I want more chuckles instead of groans

Overall- The show is still good!

This was a fun watch! Was there things I’d change? Ofc! But this season holds up just as, if not better than, the last! From what I remember everyone agrees that seasons 1-3 or 4 is the good shit and then everything goes downhill. Hopefully I’m proven wrong but I highly doubt that.

Scroll bat to the top if y’all wanna see my thoughts on Voltron season 1, thank you for reading my rambles, and, most importantly, FOLD YOUR FUCKING LAUNDRY! You’ve put it off all day-! DO IT!

[jamie4370]

What is Karma?

Maybe I deserve it. I was watching my dogs last Sunday until my ex had to come by to pick them up for their turn to watch them. Let’s call them Air. I am a competitive sports fan and I gamble occasionally on matches. This match was my home team that is on top of the league with their record. I got drunk watching the match because I was in for a good time all by myself with the dogs. Air had specified that I may need to watch the dogs over new years via text. I had forgotten all about it when she got there. I immediately turned to anger and raged on about how we never talked about it. In my anger, I punched my refrigerator (now there is a dent), and I tossed the leash in Air’s direction. The leash ended up hitting one of the dogs, which I am so mortified of now. I told Air to leave but she still stayed wanting to argue.

Air eventually left over a bunch of arguments that cut even more deep with every remark. About 2 hours after that I felt horrible. I was wrong and I knew it. I called Air hoping for some resolution, but she was reluctant to take one that was beneficial towards me. They wouldn’t have it. Air decided that it was best for me not to see the dogs. I had scared Air when I did that. Making them think that I was on the brink of being abusive. I was even more vengeful at that point. I texted them extremely demeaning comments about our last relationship and how they are deceitful. I found out later in the conversation that Air had recorded me in my vulnerable state. I thought we had a good working friendship, but they wanted to take control of the situation. I feel betrayed at the fact that they call them selves a self assured “best friend” when a best friend would try to talk me down and wouldn’t take my dogs away from me.

I’m heart broken. I don’t deserve this. I made a mistake. I’ve never been abusive towards and partner. I came from a family that was abusive toward dogs and I thought that was normal until I took a dog training class at the age of 24. I’ve taken another dog class AND I volunteer at the humane society. I would say that I am an experienced dog handler and I think I made an an error when I was cheering on my team.

Air always said that we were a team. Even after our relationship. What happened to that? You can’t forgive me and give me time to recover?

Like I said earlier: I think it’s karma. Maybe the universe had plans to punish me for the hearts I broke. The love that I lost. The trust that I’ve broken. I try really hard to accept change and improve upon myself when I can. I go to therapy regularly and I happen to have an appointment today. I exercise regularly and try to eat nutritious meals. I feel like all of that is wasted growth right now as I fell back into a state of anger.

My transitional hormones still aren’t doing me any favors in this situation. I love the results that my transition has brought me. Hot flashes and mood swings are definitely not part of those results.

Adding to everything: my chimney is leaking in my house. It’s a good thing that I am still under warranty with the roofing company that flashed the siding. It only adds to the list.

I’m slow and groggy at work. I don’t know why, but I’m on an energy drink kick rather than coffee. I usually love coffee. I always take it black now and it’s really yummy. Today’s flavor is a grape carbonated mineral juice that was definitely cooked up in a lab somewhere.

I know everything is temporary. Right now it feels like eternity. It will get better, I only need to rehydrate more from all of this crying.

“Go slow. One could not count upon such good fortune forever.”

-J

[hard-boiledreviews]

Review #1: You Again

Name a better movie to start my review journey with, you can't! In my humble opinion, this is a fantastic movie with a star-studded cast that left me laughing every other line. For this first review, I thought it would be best to merely provide my notes while watching the movie as I found them pretty funny if I do say so myself. I strongly recommend reading these notes alongside the movie and laughing with me, but, either way, I hope this is an enjoyable read. In short, You Again is a 10/10 movie and will forever be one of my favs. Enjoy the notes:

great start, hot Kirsten being not hot grabs your attention right away along with the instant mean girl performance of we are the champions 

I remember now why this is one of my fav movies

Huge cast, all hot

Cheer tryouts scene scratches an itch in my brain

I love when movies can somewhat make their adult characters into the child version of them and its convincing

Adult Marni reveal is goosebumps worthy

Bring back the airplane phones, why’d they go away?

"Titi" also scratches an itch in my brain

The rock. Star studded cast fr 

What I would give for The Rock to feed me pretzels

Brother calling sister gorgeous is not right.

Why’d Jamie Lee have to say culinary so crisp like that

Why are all the character reveals so iconic

I think I just like this movie too much

I want to live in their house give it to me pls

“Nobody gets through high school unscathed” and “everybody deserves a second chance” spitting facts the. whole. movie

How have I never noticed the groom is such a cheese ball

The playing of the we are the champions cd gives me anxious butterflies

TIM. what a king.

Is this movie one of the reasons I see everything as a competition?

AND NOW KRISTEN?? We are so blessed

Ugh and that toxic transition

“Did you take a shower?” Another iconic line

“I love RUNNING” so true Marni so true

Marnis throwback look was such a good concept, this wedding is the sequel to high school indeed!

The moo necklace as a bridesmaid gift is savage and I kinda love it?

“Have you taken a look in the mirror lately?” SAVAGE

“There is nothing safe about you Olsen” stop I’m gonna melt I love Charlie

“Are you a Tim?” My new daily quote

“I don’t know where the Charlie’s are” why is this movie so good

I know I need to stop just writing the one liners but THEYRE TOO GOOD

Should’ve said this sooner but Ben is such a necessary character

Why is the wedding rehearsal performance too realistic to modern weddings. It kills me every time

I’m sorry but all the details of this movie are so on it

Tims speech delivery is top tier I could never be him

Wow just seeing that JJ looks just like Megan fox

The whole crowd being there for the bride and grooms fight is wild, clear the room people shits going down!

Game recognizes game fr gotta respect the competish between Marni and JJ

Beefing while in the same dress is also iconic

KITTY LIKES TO SCRATCH AHAHAH

I need to start calling people emotional terrorists 

Back in the pool, gotta love the reverting back to high school

All I can think of when I hear Ramona is her and her sister beezus 

The girl world frightens and confuses me too dude

Joanna on the floor eating spray cheese from the fridge is me every night

Neither of them are worried about the fridge being open the whole time huh?

Fridge was open for so long I started naming all its contents 

Can we stop wearing capri pants forever? Not a personal fav but maybe that’s just me

Marni with bangs eats idc

Wait I guess I missed the part where the dads a doctor? Seems like a conflict of interest for him to be their doctor but that’s just me

Glad to see JJs dress got cleaned in record time for their hospital wedding!

Yoo you think JJs aunt is jealous Marni is walking her down the aisle ??

“I’m so sorry I couldn’t attend your funeral last year” ice cold.

Iconic movie. No notes. 10/10

How are even the credits iconic.

[themomsandthecity]

How a Postnatal Retreat Helped Me Transition Into Motherhood

I have now been a mom for a little over a year - and looking back at my journey, the best decision I made for my mental health was going to a postpartum care center. Heading into my third trimester, I was scared. I didn't know what to expect in the delivery room, so I spent hours researching the labor process - what did contractions feel like and how would I get through them? While poring over baby blogs, I also kept reading about postpartum depression and baby blues and became worried about what life would be like after giving birth. I had family living nearby and was grateful that I knew I'd be able to lean on them for support, but that alone didn't ease my anxiety. Then I was introduced to Boram. Founded in 2022, Boram is a postnatal retreat designed to help new parents build a strong postpartum foundation by offering coaching sessions on topics like infant soothing, swaddling, coping with postpartum depression or anxiety, and newborn feeding (whether that's formula or breast milk). At the heart of Boram's mission is the belief that parents deserve rest, care, and support after welcoming their new baby. Prioritizing rest for new moms is popular in Asian cultures, and I was excited that finally a place like this existed in New York City. So, I reached out to Boram in November, just as I was about to enter my third trimester, about arranging a retreat. (Rates for overnight retreats vary by length of time spent at the clinic: a three-night stay starts at $1,050 per night, while a seven-night stay starts at $950 per night. Boram covered the costs of my weeklong stay.) The folks at Boram advised that I would go straight to the care center from the hospital after being discharged. That way, I could gain maximum support with recovery and receive round-the-clock care for my baby. I agreed and that was the plan. But as we all know, sometimes plans fall through. My First Days as a New Mom My birth experience was far from what I had planned and envisioned. Two minutes after my newborn son was placed on my chest for skin-to-skin contact, the nurses swept him away again. He was experiencing health complications and needed more examinations. All I remember was a rush of doctors and nurses barging in while I was in the middle of delivering my placenta. This was not what I thought my introduction to motherhood would look like. As I stared at the bright hospital lights and heard loud monitor sounds, I felt nauseous and hot. I spiked a fever. It felt like I was having an out-of-body experience, like I was watching myself in the hospital and also watching the doctors tend to my baby. Instead of checking in at Boram, my son and I were transferred to another hospital, where he stayed in the NICU for 10 days. People don't talk enough about the fourth trimester and what happens to a woman's body and mind after giving birth. As we birth a baby, we also experience a rebirth in our own way. I spent two weeks at home after my hospital stay before I was able to begin my retreat at Boram. As we birth a baby, we also experience a rebirth in our own way. During this time, dealing with a newborn and sleep deprivation challenged my patience and strength. I was drowning in my thoughts and felt like screaming at the top of my lungs for air. I struggled with conflicting feelings and postpartum rage: how could I feel so grateful and happy with this new love in my life, yet feel anxious, alone, and overwhelmed with this new identity and life? I felt lost and cried almost every day. Little did I know, help was around the corner. What It's Like to Stay at a Postpartum Retreat Center When my partner and I arrived at Boram, we were immediately greeted with warmth. The team all had smiles and brought me straight to my suite, a spacious, quiet room with a king-size bed and huge windows overlooking Midtown. Before I settled in, a care associate gave me a postpartum depression evaluation to fill out and told… https://www.popsugar.com/family/boram-postpartum-care-center-review-49339972?utm_source=dlvr.it&utm_medium=tumblr

[schlurp-schlurp]

!! im completely stealth in certain parts of my life, and while i can say "yes, i have male privilege", it comes with:

1. paranoia. what if someone who knew me before i transitioned or prior to being stealth outs me to people who don't know i'm trans. what if one of my coworkers that loves to instagram-stalk people stumbles across my transphobic family member's accounts, and scrolls far back enough to see pre-transition pics of me. what if that pic i posted of my top surgery results goes viral in TERF communities, and i'm identified by my tattoos. what if i post a selfie on an account where i commented smth about my transition on a post, and a transphobe doxxes me with my face pic, and that goes back to my workplace? what if, what if, what if?

2. being unable to engage in certain conversations about childhood, and important parts of my life.

any conversation about high school is instantly a no-go for me, bc i went to an all girls school - i was the person to come out as trans at that school, and my mom helped campaign for the school uniform to include the option to wear trousers. i mentored a kid who asked me for help on coming out as trans within a week of myself coming out - his mom told him he should talk to me. i helped get the school to change the "girls" toilets to "student" toilets. i fought and fought, and the year that i left there was finally an LGBT+ club set up, with the trans kid i mentored at the front of it. it's a huge part of my life that helped make me the man i am today, and i can't speak of it.

all conversations about my early childhood, dating, bullying, mental health - i have to omit so much, or just remove myself from the conversation as best i can.

"my kid is going through depression.. oh you went through that too? how did you overcome your depression? your insight could help us so much" is an impossible question to answer when the answer is "well, i cold turkeyed all my medication bc it wasn't doing anything to improve my mental health, and i'd had enough. i pursued private healthcare and within a month of starting testosterone, my suicidal ideation left, my insomnia cleared up, and i didn't have to worry about PMDD. it cured a variety of mental health issues and cleared up some physical health issues too"

idk, there's more examples but i don't want to overshare lol.

3. i can't engage with trans communities on identifable social media accounts.

instagram goes "hey mutuals! homosexchad liked: "if youre trans, like this post! signal boost if ur trans! here's information about trans people for trans people"", and i learnt that the hard way when i was 16. it's isolating to have to create completely anonymous and/or separate accounts to engage with positive trans content. and while you can argue i don't need to like or comment to engage in it - how often do you hit like without thinking about it? i tried doing it like that, and i was haunted with thoughts of "oh god, did i accidentally like that post?"

4. having to listen to unfiltered bigotry in my day to day life. bigots think they're safe when there is no one of that minority present.

my coworker casually declared that if her son came out as trans, she would take him to the vet to have him put down. i wasn't involved in the conversation, but i was in the same room, i heard it, and i knew that there was no safe way to inject myself into that conversation without outing myself or coming across poorly and ending up in HR for not allowing people to have violently bigoted ideals.

another coworker reads the news every morning on her work computer. trans people are on her newsfeed reguarly, it's the media's hot topic. she said she'd beat a tranny to death if she ever met one.

a friend in my class telling me that he hopes his date is a "real" woman, that "you can't tell these days!", and that if he found out his date was trans he would kill her.

i walk up to a friend to say hi- they're deep in conversation with someone else. they're discussing how they don't want to share toilets with dirty trannies, and that they with trannies and furries would be forced to use litter boxes outside bathrooms, so everyone can see what they really are.

i fear what would happen if i slip up, if i make a mistake, if they find out i'm trans.

5. gyno issues. accessing gyno care as a woman is difficult - accessing it as a trans man is somehow even more difficult, regardless of whether you're stealth / passing. this is a long one.

when i came out at 14, it gave me more confidence in taking control of my life. i finally called my GP to discuss the crippling pain i felt when i had tried to use tampons, the fact that it was impossible to insert anything vaginally, the fact that my periods were impossibly heavy and came with cramps that caused me to pass out and vomit every month, and what i know now to have been PMDD - i'd been dealing with this since i was 11. the GP told me he suspected i was overexaggerating and making shit up to get him to prescribe me BC to stop my periods. and that was it. he wouldn't prescribe it.

thankfully, i managed to convince the children's GIC services to write to my GP to recommend he prescribe birth control to stop my periods bc of the dysphoria they caused. the children's clinic didn't want to prescribe me puberty blockers since i was "too old for them to do anything at this point". after some back and forth, i was prescribed it, but i was instructed to stop taking it twice a year to have a period bc ?? idk actually.

when i switched GPs at 17, my new GP refused to continue prescribing me birth control when she saw that it was for preventing periods rather than preventing babies. i talked to 2 different GPs at that surgery, neither believed me when i discussed my gyno issues - both came to the conclusion that i was making shit up to get them to indulge in my transitional care, even though all i wanted was birth control. i eventually lied and claimed that i was having vaginal sex - they decided that they were correct, i was just lying, or embarrassed that i enjoyed sex "like a woman", and finally prescribed it.

at 18 they randomly stopped prescribing it to me for no apparent reason, but i was in the process of starting testosterone privately, and i couldn't bring myself to fight any more. my vaginismus cleared up, which i discovered during the increased libido phase of being on T. my periods completely stopped (thank god), and i no longer had the mood swings and shit.

at 19, after moving to a new town, to my first flat, with a new GP surgery - i started experiencing vaginal atrophy. fine, it's better than all that other crap i was experiencing. and it's easy to treat, right?

nope.

the private clinic i was seeing for my T prescription told me i had to go through my GP for treatment for vaginal atrophy.

my GP didn't believe it was atrophy, and demanded that i get a full internal examination. i complied bc i figured they might find smth wrong that would explain all the previous shit, and maybe justify a hysto.

the nurses at the GP who examined me said it was absolutely vaginal atrophy, and that i should be prescribed topical oestrogen to treat it. then they told me that they won't be able to prescribe it until an NHS gender clinic had approved me to start it.

well fuck. i was 19, i'd been privately taking testosterone for a year, and i'd been on the waiting list for the NHS adult's clinic for 3 years at this point.

so i fought that decision, and was told i needed to be referred to the local hospital's gyno department. they got back to me with "we do not see or treat transgender men, you need to speak to the doctor prescribing your HRT" - i fought that decision, and was seen, after 6 months of back and forth with my GP, private doctors, and the hospital.

i got seen, it was confirmed to be atrophy (again), was recommended E, and my GP said no again, and re-referred me to the hospital gyno for an internal biopsy and internal ultrasound without my consent. i got the letter and went "fuck off" and cancelled the appointment. i'm fairly certain they just wanted to surprise and traumatise me. i did end up having a third gyno appointment where i had a standard, external ultrasound, with a wonderful male gyno who was completely chill with my transition. we both bitched about my GP.

welp, after 4 years of waiting, i got seen by the nottingham gender clinic through the NHS. in my appointment, i bought up atrophy - they wrote a letter asking my GP to prescribe T and topical E. my GP said no.

9 months after i was approved for T through the NHS, my GP relented (lots of complaints and communication from myself and Notts), and prescribed me T.

hang on? where's my treatment for vaginal atrophy?

oh, they completely ignored it! great!

back and forth, back and forth............. it's now been a year since my first appointment, and 3 months since my second appointment at the nhs clinic. still no treatment for vaginal atrophy. they've had multiple letters about it, but don't want to. they "don't know how it would effect a trans man", despite having about 3000 letters with detailed information from NHS gender clinicians, and my own pleas and emails with research articles and best practice treatment.

TLDR - i just realised it's 11.30pm and my partner wants me to spoon him. can't write out more examples, but basically: even when we have male privilege, it comes with terms and conditions and so much fucking stress which negatively impacts mental health.

I DONT KNOW WHO NEEDS TO HEAR THIS BUT TRANS MEN ARE NOT AUTOMATICALLY AFFORDED THE SAME PRIVILEGES AS CIS MEN JUST BECAUSE WE SAY WE'RE MEN AND I INVITE MORE OF YOU TO GET OFF THE FUCKING INTERNET AND TALK TO TRANS PEOPLE OF VARIED IDENTITIES IRL INSTEAD OF COMING UP WITH THEORIES ON HOW YOU THINK WE ACT

[restorativemeal]

Menu Thirty

Menu Thirty from Rowan Bishop and Sue Carruthers' "The Vegetarian Adventure Cookbook".

Spinach Fettucine with Mushroom Cream Sauce: fettucine, onion, garlic, butter, mushrooms, wholemeal flour, cream, basil, pepper, parmesan cheese, parsley, tomato, blue vein cheese. 

Macaroni Diablo: macaroni, onion, garlic, capsicum, dried chilli, oil, butter, tumeric, coriander, curry powder, tinned whole tomatoes, salt, pepper, oregano, tinned whole kernel corn, kidney beans, yoghurt, honey, ricotta, cheddar cheese, mozzarella, parmesan cheese.

The final few days of January, a month during which I’d felt out of sorts. It fell into the twentieth week. Importantly, this was the halfway mark of my journey in the Vegetarian Adventure Cookbook. I had been walking uphill for so long. Reaching halfway proved that I certainly wasn’t the fickle person I used to be. Changes often happen without you noticing. During a retreat away from home over the long weekend at the end of Week Nineteen, during the transition between then and Week Twenty I dreamed that I worked as a waitress in a busy restaurant during a busy dinner service. At the very end of the dream I figured out that I was 29 and about to turn 30. It often feels uncouth to talk about your own dreams but it is the greatest compliment to appear in someone else’s. This dream evoked such a feeling in me that I felt obligated to complete the thirtieth menu. The dream only proved to me that I needed to break away from the linearity that I had forced upon myself, especially if I wanted to be an assertive person. At the same time I just didn’t want to make Menu Twenty that week, because it was too hot for tomato soup and also I didn’t have the time nor energy to make a four page spread. My dream had nothing to do with turning thirty and everything to do with skipping Menu Twenty. I thought about all the other dreams I had misconstrued, both my own and others’. 

Menu Thirty opened to the pasta section of Bishop and Carruthers’ cookbook. A mushroom fettucine and a macaroni dish that I had never heard of before. I bought kidney beans from the bulk store on one of my lunch breaks just for something to do while on the streets. On both Tuesday and Wednesday I looked for Spinach Fettucine, the special kind Bishop and Carruthers mentioned in their list of ingredients. I came up unlucky and decided instead to throw in a bag of spinach to the sauce. The cooking process began with preparing the produce across two chopping boards. The sauces were cooked on the stove at the same time, however my time management felt off and by the time the Macaroni Diablo was ready, after having been cooked on the stove and then baked in the oven, the Mushroom Cream Sauce had been sitting on the stove for a lengthy period of time. Once dished up in my red birthday Baccarat pot it looked well constructed and fresh. Things didn’t seem to matter, I was in control of the menu and in control of my life despite the fact that people tend to come and go as they please. Guests included. 

I had only three guests on Wednesday night, the very last night of January. I was gifted a Dr Pepper by the one guest who didn’t reside at the house for making it half way. The dinner went down well amongst the crowd, though the Macaroni Diablo had strange flavour profiles with both tumeric and oregano but also curry powder. It was spicy and cheesy and I feared what I would dream about that night. 

Week Twenty, the top of the hill left only a downward slope to go. Menu Thirty saw me lashing out at a linear system, because I didn’t think any journey was or ever could be linear. My weeks would not and could not be mapped out for me by the cookbook. On Thursday morning I woke up from a dream that suggested I wasn’t a good friend and didn’t know how to pack luggage for a journey away.

[bongosblorbos]

my supernatural rewatch reviews: season 2

jk i did season 2 tonight also. personally i'd consider this one of my favorite seasons, but it's only #3 out of the kripke based on ratings. again this falls victim to having some amazing episodes sandwiched by duds. my least favorite episode was probably Everybody Loves a Clown with a score of 5 for pretty obvious reasons, although I do like establishing Sam's fear of clowns. that's good. my most favorite episode was In My Time of Dying, this has gotta be like a top 5 for the whole show for me. average rating was 7.23!

here's the detailed reviews:

01 In My Time of Dying Dude I full on Swayzed that mother. —10

02 Everybody Loves a Clown Points given: Dealing with Dad’s death. DEAN FIXING BABY (plus one million.) DEAN BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF BABY (minus 1 point, plus 2 for being hot). Jo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ash!!!!!!!!!!! I don’t remember him but I love him. My little mullet man math genius. Points taken: The clown plot was so bad. I do not give a shit. Or a piss. Not even a fart. —5

03 Bloodlust HUGE DEANEPISODE!!!!!!! Hating on Dad episode! Dean actually does not want to be a hunter for the rest of his life! Dean critiques dad and Sam defends him so that’s a fun lil turnaround. Gordon! FUN monster of the week. FRESH IDEAS. Character focus integrated into the plot very well so all very interesting. —10

04 Children Shouldn’t Play with Dead Things Pros: What’s dead should stay dead. Single man tear. Cons: Plot. I was bored. —6

05 Simon Said A woman kills herself by lighting herself on fire after covering herself with gasoline and Dean doesn’t make a Zoolander joke. This is a criminal offense. We know Dean watched Zoolander (Blue Steel). He would totally reference that. I LOVE the little mind control guy. Evil twin is cheesy but fun to watch. —7

06 No Exit I feel like I should’ve enjoyed this more but I was doing abstract algebra notes while I was watching so that didn’t help. Joepisode. I love her so much. I think they could’ve done so much more with Jo and Dean’s relationship. This was literally Jo and Dean fake dating and they did NOTHING about it. None!!!!!!!!! Tragedy. Idk plot was boring and it felt very much like it was on a little mini set, no interaction with the outside world. Boohoo. So much potential wasted. —5

07 The Usual Suspects Sam and Dean suffer the legal consequences of their actions :0 Fun movie references that I didn’t get but were enjoyable nonetheless. —7

08 Crossroad Blues John is in hell confirmed :) —8

09 Croatoan Honestly they missed a lot with the plot. It felt very much like a scapegoat plot so they could just make Sam and Dean talk about their problems. It could’ve been way more interesting and interactive with the real world, but instead felt isolated and superficial. Boohoo. That said, many amazing moments still give it a lot of points. I’m gonna say this one time, you make a move on him and you’ll be dead before you hit the ground, do you understand me, do I make myself CLEAR?! You got a neighbor named Mr. Rogers? Not anymore. —9

10 Hunted Boring! Boring! Sam episode. Where’s Dean —5

11 Playthings Plot was integrated AMAZING into this episode, it felt very rooted in the plot and real consequences in the real world, but still managed to address a lot of Sam and Dean issues! Haunted house! Scooby Doo reference. Drunk Sam king of appropriate and logical transitions. Dean says MILF on screen. —7

12 Nightshifter Boys suffer legal consequences for their actions again. I was very stressed, thought the shifter was gonna be Sam or Dean the whole episode. Fun but no standouts in my head, but I was doing homework while watching so there’s that. —7

13 Houses of the Holy Dean listening to “led zeplin- kashmir” while we listen to Nazareth “Hair of the Dog” implications. Dean keeps talking about how he doesn’t believe in angels bbgorl just you wait. Just You Wait. Unfortunately I was overall a bit bored by the actual episode but I was also very distracted by the Zeppelin thing it is still bothering me. —6

14 Born Under a Bad Sign Dude you had a girl inside you for like a whole week. That’s kinda naughty. —7

15 Tall Tales VERY fun storytelling to Bobby with differing POV. Plus Dean getting beat up by beautiful women in heels and lingerie. —9

16 Roadkill Very easy to predict the twist but it was fun. Beautiful woman who is the actress for our main ghost girl looks so familiar I’m gonna lose my mind. —6

17 Heart I see the Sam appeal. I See It. feelings Felt. Wow. Sam looking back :( Dean’s flinch :(( —7

18 Hollywood Babylon Gilmore girls joke!!! Filming in Canada meta reference. Dean is a pop culture nerd and a slut. Enjoyable but not good necessarily. —5

19 Folsom Prison Blues “What are you, from Texas?” Ghost is boring. Ooohoohooo evil nurse. But Dean looks DELECTABLE. Chomp. —6

20 What Is and What Should Never Be The implications. —9

21 All Hell Breaks Loose (Part 1) Cried at the end. —8

22 All Hell Breaks Loose (Part 2) :(((((((((( —10