#and I thought to myself “how hot would it be if on top of transitioning I was stupidly pregnant?” and I decided “very hot actually"

[greatbigbellies]

I feel like there are some really fun/hot/cute things you can go with pregnant trans women and while this is far from an exhaustive list, I'm always campaigning for more tfpreg so allow me to share some ideas.

Trans lady who hasn't seen her friends in a while... like the better part of a year, finally getting the reunite with them after some effective rounds of HRT. Everyone's excited to see her after some time transitioning... but they didn't anticipate her waddling in with a full term belly. Her confidence has grown as much as her tummy, and the previously very reserved egg they knew has turned into a beautiful, proud trans woman who isn't afraid to turn heads or take up some space... and with such an impressive belly, she does both quite well. She revels in having her tummy rubbed by her friends, and is very open to answering questions about her pregnancy. Turns out she's not full term, just 7 months with twins.

Trans lady whos still working out the whole "dressing nicely in femme clothes" thing... it doesn't come naturally to everyone, and she's still figuring out her look. Getting pregnant only applied more pressure. Her anime graphic tees now don't even reach her navel. The jeans that she's had for YEARS now don't even pull up past her baby-weight-expanded butt, let alone button. She keeps underestimating the size of her belly, so the maternity shirts she brings home to try to remedy the issue are still too tight to really fit. Perhaps both most excitingly and jarringly, her breasts have expanded enough between the HRT and pregnancy that she went from being fairly flat chested to having a capital R Rack. Thankfully, she has a good support network who are going to intervene to fix her wardrobe. Just in time for the third trimester.

Trans lady who is full term and struggling with her size. She's not one of the stereotypical lanky, tall trans girls who can leverage some extra height to keep the belly from getting too in the way. She's 5'4", 41 weeks with a 10 pound baby, and she's had enough. She loves painting her nails but bending over to do her toes is basically impossible, and while she tries to keep her legs shaved, the third trimester has been rough. Thankfully, she has a very supportive partner who goes the extra mile to help her feel comfortable and pretty while she's carrying their kid. Boxes of chocolates, pedicures, gentile help applying lotion to her body... she's pampered and feminine, as she should be.

[keeskiwi]

I had a transgenderization surgery 1 month ago and I got the clear to stop wearing my post-op binder yesterday, and I keep feeling the desire to write out my thoughts somewhere but not knowing where, and then I remembered tumblr is The transgender website, so, you know, why not.

I had a double incision top surgery on January 30th. It feels pretty surreal in some ways. I first started experimenting with gender things in late 2010, grabbed a binder from Underworks in 2011, then kind of coasted along in a state of "well, a haircut, name change, and some new clothes have been working out for me mostly well enough and my breasts aren't that big anyway and maybe it's not a big deal even though every year I'll research if I can make my insurance cover it just in case and daydream a bit about something horrible happening that would require my breasts to get removed, with a side of quietly burning with envy when I see someone else get medical care for their dysphoria." For. A while.

Late 2022 I finally decided I would bring it up with my doctor, and after over a year of horrible insurance wrangling I finally ended up with a consult in early January, and then suddenly they called me back and said they could squeeze me in by the end of the month.

January 30th I got up at early-o-clock, went to the hospital, met my surgery team, got knocked out, and woke up with a new chest. I'm really glad I didn't have to travel for surgery and was back home that evening. Between that and having two partners (one of whom has had top surgery himself) to care for me afterwards, I feel really grateful.

Anyway yeah, this was the most significant surgery I've had before. It was your standard double incision, although I opted to go without nipple grafts, for a couple reasons:

I had heard that nips were kind of tricky healing-wise, and as a health-anxiety-prone kind of person I didn't really need the extra fear of something going wrong there in my life.

Especially because I didn't have any particular attachment to the idea of nipples in the first place. Sometimes I wonder if this was an extension of wearing a vaguely skin-tone binder for the past decade+. Any time I saw myself with a flattened chest, it was without nipples, because they were being hidden by the binder ha.

Additionally, a thing I've struggled with wrt medical transition is that it often feels like the goal for my agab is to transition towards masculinity, and while I'm okay being mistaken as male (especially over being mistaken as female) it's actually kind of important to me that I'm...not male? Masculinity as gender neutrality is something that really irritates me. I'm not any flavor of trans guy. So going no-nips felt like a way to make a conscious change to my body that was perpendicular to the masculinity/femininity binary.

And finally, while exploring the concept I found out that some people really hate the idea of people transitioning to having nippleless chests, because to be human is to have nipples (I guess?) so removing your nipples was trying to remove yourself from humanity (I??? guess???) and while there's a LOT to unpack there, as someone with only a passing identification with the concept of humanity I found this appealing in a "don't threaten me with a good time" kind of way.

Maybe I'll just get tattoos of wasps there instead.

The first time I saw myself at my first post-op was like--my chest is covered in incisions and tape and dried blood and marker and swelling but somehow it was still the most comfortable and appealing thing I had ever seen, and I keep feeling kind of amazed? I think that I had been really focused on like, specific Things I Could Do Post-Top Surgery, like wearing better-fitting T-shirts or taking my shirt off during the summer when it was hot, and I didn't fully realize just how...good it would be just existing? At first I thought it was hyperbolic thinking, but the more I consider it the more I feel that I've spent more time voluntarily looking at and interacting with my chest in the past month than I have the whole rest of my life. Some of it was forced aftercare from the surgery of course, but I lose a bunch of time each day just getting caught in front of mirrors. I didn't realize that I could like the way I look under my clothing so much.

And things like, realizing I've been saying "my chest [euphemistic, regretful]" in regards to my breasts my whole life, so I keep wanting to say "I don't have a chest anymore"--but the thing is, I do! I do have a chest still, and "my chest" is now something I feel happy to claim because I got to choose it. It's a little ouchy and lumpy and at the moment it looks like someone taped poison ivy to it because my skin finally got sick of the surgery tape and staged a revolt, but it's still the best chest I've had in living memory, and it's only going to get better from here.

I'm just really happy.

[viiioca]

Hello! Some little Estelle questions if I may?

How does one pronounce her full name and does she have any preferred titles?

Does she mostly drink Ishgardian Tea? Or does she appreciate other blends or brewing methods?

Does she buy her outfits ready to wear? Or does she order bespoke pieces?

oh hm!! i don't think "estelle" has any curveballs; "laussienne" is a very made up word that i haven't thought tremendously about in terms of pronunciation, but probably something like /lo.sjɛn/. (i would need a french mutual to kindly take me aside and say "honey, no, that's wrong.") no preferred titles aside from knowing when someone is being rude by addressing her improperly on purpose

2. estelle is very "when in rome" when it comes to food and drink, so as she spends most of her time abroad, she'll take her tea as the locals do. it's given her a deep appreciation for a huge variety of teas, their preparations, and the social elements around drinking them. she's tackled everything from the formal teahouses of hingashi and doma, to the salted milk tea of the azim steppes, to the communal yerba mate of urqopacha. it's less about the utility of the drink and more about the experience surrounding it.

when at home, though, as a functional beverage, she prefers coffee. ishgardian tea -- brewed directly in yak milk -- is both light in flavor and very rich, and she associates it more with winter breakfasts or a nighttime dessert drink in a similar vein to hot chocolate; it's not something she would consume even daily, let alone multiple times a day, like other regions approach their own styles of tea. (yak milk has about 3x more milkfat than whole milk, falling just shy of the lower end of half & half. that's an incredibly dense drink!! on top of that, brewing in milk reduces the strength of the tea; you need to use way more tea, and a much stronger type of tea, to be able to produce a cup of equivalent strength to tea brewed in water. surprisingly, coerthas apparently has a native variety of tea! being high elevation and cold, it would likely be naturally sweeter, creamier, and less astringent; it would also have smaller harvests, which would make it more expensive, and even less likely for it to be a 3-5x/day beverage in ishgard. while a lot of ishgard reflects both french & british styles and culinary tradition, these features would make ishgardian tea very different.)

3. her outfits are bespoke! in general, i think ishgard/eorzea at large is at a technological level where most people's clothing would be bespoke, but beyond that, clothes aren't just fashion in eorzea; they play a huge role in how aether is conducted in combat and for specific tasks like spellcasting and healing. she asks a lot from her equipment and would need things made very specifically tailored to her, for the most part. (prêt-à-porter is a very, very recent thing in IRL history that requires a level of industrialization that pretty much just garlemald, solution 9, and prrrrobably the crystarium would have access to. with ishgard's ready adoption of magitek & level of military investment, they might have reached the stage of mass-produced military uniforms, but ishgard is still in the middle of socially and politically transitioning, and is not likely to have reached the "democratization of fashion" phase. i think people are still mostly worried about equalizing access to heat and food and education lol)

thank you very much for the ask! i appreciate any opportunity to hold people hostage for 600 words while i talk about yak milk. i managed to stop myself before i got into coerthan attitudes towards imported tea

[vizthedatum]

I never thought I'd say this... But I might consider phalloplasty.

I don't know how much I'll grow on T. I may very well grow enough to be satisfied.

But like FUCK. I can see myself getting hotter. Like a lot hotter.

And even though I'm so new to medical transition, I am having less bottom dysphoria because I know it is possible for me.

My friend, he’s about to have his uterus removed�� and he was talking really excitedly about phalloplasty the other day.

And my fears of the surgery momentarily subsided.

Plus everyone I've slept with or will sleep with this year have been so affirming (even before I started T!). They always affirm that it doesn't matter how big my dick gets. That it would still be loved as the rest of me in bed. (honestly t4t or dating pansexual people who aren't transphobic is the way to go - I feel very seen)

—

I also woke up today wanting to have just been born with a dick already. I could have still been a nonbinary femboy!

I woke up imagining myself, a gay cis-man with another man… being romantic. And just cuddling. And walking around. We both have dicks. We both hold hands. *swoon*

(don't get me wrong, I also wake up extremely sapphic! I fantasize about women - so many types of women - all the time!!)

I mean I'm bipan and genderfluid - I'm having fantasies constantly lmao.

—

I took a materials science course in college where phalloplasty and related surgeries was part of the curriculum. I was an engineer major. We had to watch surgery videos and stuff.

I'm scared. I have already had so much pelvic trauma simply due to my chronic conditions.

And to have major surgery? (which I'd have after making sure I was def not gonna have a baby biologically… or after I was done giving birth)

It is scary.

Even the prospect of having top surgery FOR THE SURGERY PART is scary.

I would look so hot with top surgery though. I would still wear bras. I would wear whatever I wanted. I imagine wearing cute shirts. And long necklaces lying flat on my skin.

And seducing everyone. :3

—

I know I was a pretty woman, and I love that I was.

But fuck.

CAN YOU EVEN IMAGINE

(I can, obviously)

(I might be having a moment after finally taking my T shot this week lol)

(but fuck, I look so cute rn)

(and I guess it helps that other people think I'm cute too - and that they talk about my anatomy in a respectful but excited manner!!! I feel desired. I FEEL DESIRED.)

And I feel hot when I look at myself.

[magm4kyy]

My fursona - Vito (Self-portrait)

Today it was really hot, and I decided to tie my bra like this and go shirtless, I thought it was really beauty! But I was embarrassed to actually wear the clothes I put a blouse on top and some colorful shorts But I decided to draw how I would really like to be dressed! (At home) I would like to sit on the porch and just feel the cold wind hitting my body I would like to sit alone and then hang myself and sigh But unfortunately (or fortunately?) I have other people living with me Loneliness is rare, desired but unlucky I am afraid of what might really happen if I ever find myself completely alone, what could I do with myself? I think about this every day Anyway! I hope you enjoyed the drawing I tried to make my own body, I'm trying to get used to it (Improve my self-esteem) while I still can't transition There are many things that bother me So I would like to enjoy the moments when I feel beautiful, even if I don't have the courage to take a picture

Bye~bye, Sweethearts!💖💖 Goodnight

[sothasil]

Hi! You're one of my favorite artists ever, and I would love to do some studies of your art! What are some of your favorite pieces that you've done, and how do you pick your colors? There's a lot more questions that I could ask, but figured you wouldn't appreciate an entire list of questions XD

Hello and thank you, I am honored! Feel free to send me all and any questions! I'll answer these two, starting by:

How do you pick your colors?

As I change art style with pretty much every illustration project of significance, this varies a lot. Here are, from most to least common, ways I pick my colors.

Eyeballing it. Unfortunately my most common... What I will do a lot digitally is lay down a color background, and flats of a few colors, then manually adjust each until they look good together by selecting by color and using adjustements. I then paint over it all.

Using a limited palette, eyeballed. Same as before, but this time I force myself to only use a few colors. It helps me, as constraints do.

Using a reference, eyeballed. This happens a lot when I mimick an art style. My medieval drawings for example, are often done by looking at images of actual medieval art to get an idea of what colors to use to look medieval.

Using an existing image, pipetted. Rarely, often as a challenge or if I'm super stuck, I'll just take a pic with colors I like and pipet from it. This website automates this if you want a good easy starting point!

These can be combined around. I'll post examples now, explaining how they use each.

This is a sketch for a drawing I ended up doing way different. This is the first method - I used a flat layer for the characteres and three colors for the sky to test out atmosphere. This is how I plan out most full paintings, just trying to nail down a mood I have in my head. I fiddle around until I like it or, like in this case, fully give up and iterate further. Here, the composition was to be redone too as I did not like the body language. I was going for "bright hot sunny day under a weather that feels wrong".

For this comic, I combined a very limited palette and a photo ref to pipet from. I was looking for the stark cold/warm contrast of a mid-season bright night by a fireside. I took a google image photo of a campfire at night that was already edited. The photo itself looks unnatural but conveyed what I wanted. It's still on the file itself! From it, I pipetted a few colors I found "summed up" the palette and did all with them.

While my own habits make me prefer painting as you would in traditional methods, with directly picking the right colors, I will often digitally alter with overlays and layer blending modes some colors and gradients, etc, to alter a drawing to fix it's color palette. The following is a quite egregious example, because I first drew the character in flats before putting him in a full scene. Here is a before/after summed up.

The shadow is a layer, the bright yellow light zones also, and the orange "transitions" of light zones on the skin a third. There's also an overlay over the full character to blend him in. I do this by...making a full flat color of a layer, fucking around until a blending mode does what I want, and adjusting hue/brightness/saturation and opacity until it looks good.

Another WIP where I was struggling with the overall palette. I was going for late 60s psychedelic. You can see in the top right the original color. I thought it looked too...new, so I added a yellow layer on top, and fiddled with it. Final choice was the following setting. I then put it with my sketch and color blockout in a folder and painted over it.

For this sort of adjustement, the "Color Balance" modifier in CSP, Photoshop, and others is also a godsend - but one I often use for fine tuning a finished piece.

This being said, there's some rough rules to coloring which are...born from studying color theory and doing studies. I am guilty of doing very little studies...so I'll just sum up the basics of the color theory rules I use.

For "default" shading, I use a color that is darker, more saturated and with a slight hue diff. This is my "don't shade with black".

Using a shadow that's cooler will make the light look warm.

Vice versa.

There's a bunch of stuff to remember in how colors relate to each other and pipetting images who's atmosphere you think is interesting really is the best way to learn... It's learning how to black-blue/gold-yellow dress in your own art for the lack of a better word...But the basics will be:

Don't trust numerical values, but look at your colors in context. A same hue, brightness, saturation can look so much different. This is how Rakkan's beard looks whiteish here despite being a light very grey brown.

All this but...colour is such a wide topic, I can't really say a lot but can also type for hours... if you have precise questions about a piece in particular I can explain :') I hope this wasn't too vague and was instructive!

Speaking of particular pieces, answering your question last under the cut:

What are some of your favorite pieces that you've done?

In no particular order, illustration only.

Including this in another poast bc staff's new post editor limits the amounts of pics I can put in response to asks. Insert colorful language here...

Frankly twas hard to pick I am rarely fond of what I draw

[voidlingduck]

So! I have finished Starless Sea, and will try to compile some detailed thoughts on it later - but suffice to say I greatly enjoyed it and thought it an excellent read, there’s a lot to appreciate about it in my opinion.

But! My current book is Fourth Wing, which I chose because a) it is about dragon riders and b) I have heard it is not very good. And I’ll be honest I’m kind of craving a bit of inspiration in the form of ‘I could do this better’/‘here’s what I DONT want to do’. Though I’m also open to seeing what I do enjoy about it!

But we’ve already got a bit of it! I’ve decided I’m not a huge fan of instant attraction and the over the top initial descriptions of people as suuuper hot and sexy - especially in the context of knowing this is an enemies to lovers. It’s got me thinking about how I would approach such a dynamic, and how I would approach the perceived attractiveness of characters… because I feel that it would be rather compelling to have the attraction to the physical appearance grow alongside the live attraction… like we get the physical descriptors still but the commentary around them is less ‘oh he is infuriatingly hot’ and more idk ‘he’s intimidating and imposing and I have to recognise this look for my safety’ and have there be a gradual transition of ‘oh these traits are now things that I find really hot and attractive.' very much a personal preference thing, but it comes to mind. I understand there is an appeal to the ‘ugh he’s sooo hot but so evil’ thing but I think I prefer subtlety and development in that department! Learning things about myself ✨ Exciting.

[abbysbasement]

wip list! longpost with a poll!

(divider - animatedglittergraphics-n-more)

currently have 20 reqs, trying to fill older ones first, but it mostly depends on which ones interest me the most at a certain time! Working on shorter ones tonight, but there are some longer ones I want to explore deeper! Here's a peek at some oneshots/requests that I plan on releasing, as well as some longer fics I have planned! And because I like to have fun here, you can choose which one you want released first!

not specially ordered or anything ;w;'

ONESHOTS/LONGFIC

(will be around the length of Morale Adjustment at minimum, or longer)

ABBY ANDERSON

THE Bespoke Abby Breeding Fic - TITLE: TOP DOG. Yes, the one I swore I would post like a week ago. It's super long and initially didn't have an intro so I've been working on it on and off. Partially in bulleted format, transitions to standard OS format after. 3k+ words. breeding, rough sex, blowjob/titjob, unprotected sex, creampies (lol), abby kinda babytraps reader. source universe, abby is slightly older than in canon (23-24ish), reader is younger (19-21?) and the wlf has actual ranks (translated: I looked up military rankings on google and started bullshitting) I wrote this on my period (translate: I'm a gross whore) abby is kind of mean but it's hot, get slutty about it. 90% completion. Has three (much shorter and more experimental) parts.

'You wanted to be wanted this way. To be desired and used completely, to be owned.'

The Bespoke Pornstar!Abby Fic - TITLE: XXX/RED LIGHT. The reader is a new rising star in the world of lesbian porn. One night, before your first anxiety-ridden scene, your costar arrives at your trailer to calm your nerves. Abby is the industry's top adult performer, practically the girl-on-girl bible famous for her rough, bad girl persona on stage, and her soft interior. You're given the persona of sex kitten; innocent, naive, and ready for the plucking, and in your first scene, her job is to break you in. Perhaps multiple parts, 3k+ words. Ellie is going to make an appearance as a 'rival' AV Performer, (but off camera her and Abs are good friends) who you'll have a later BD/SM scene with. Extremely rough draft, so no content tags yet.

"I'll do all of the work, baby. Just look straight in the camera and give your fans a pretty face to get off to."

The Bespoke Prisoner!Abby Fic - TITLE: DOIN' TIME (or something corny like that, we'll see.) When you're new in prison, they always tell you, go up to the biggest guy in the room and punch him in the face. Terrible advice, by the way. But when you're locked up on a misdemeanor and sent to a women's correctional facility, the rules are a bit different. So you find the biggest girl in the room, and you fuck her. Obviously. Extremely rough, no content tags. 3k+ words.

'Abby offered a deal; she gave you what you wanted, and you gave her what she wanted.'

The Bespoke and Formerly Scrapped College!Abby Fic - TITLE: PAPI BONES. Your roommate Dina drags you to a college frat party, and you hate it, all crowds and sweat and people. You wish you were home, but in a cruel twist of fate, a drunken game of spin the bottle turns into you, face to face in a dark closet with the captain of the rugby team and her head between your legs. studious!reader, jock/loverboy!abby, assplay, cunnilingus (r!receiving), fingering (r!receiving), primal!adjacent? i wrote in my editing notes, 'almost corruption, but pure?' so let that set the tone for you. potential part 2. Actually 90% complete, I just started beating myself up about it for no reason ;w;

"“s’okay baby, tell me how you want me. i’m yours.” and you thought that declaration would destroy you, ‘i’m yours.’  and it felt very, very real."

MINIFICS/DRABBLES (No poll for these because they'll all make it to the blog at some point)

ABBY

Bimbo!Reader x Abby Anderson (Mechanic!Abby? idk. She makes good money and reader is spoiled asl though.) dumbification, rough sex, there's a scene where reader sucks abby's strap while she's chewing bubblegum and licks the splattered gum off so there's that, spanking, face slapping, abby calls reader her fleshlight. partial HC/blurb format?

Semipublic sex with abby in her bedroom window

A/B/O WW Abby, breeding, half wolf!reader. she mounts and rawfucks you with her massive monster cock while you're in heat. primal, marking, too big cock/stretching pussy, mindbreak, impregnation. 2-2.5k.

ELLABS

Abby and Ellie are members of a rock band, you're a groupie and you'll do anything to get on the tour bus...

Abby and Ellie are both bad cops when it comes to training you, and they help the other keep you in line.

"Didn't she tell you to fucking behave?"

ELLIE

bully!ellie, dubcon/CNC esque? ellie steps on readers cunt with her boot. pussyslaps, knifeplay, degradation, she is not a nice young lady. 1.5-2k words.

dealer!ellie headcannons

ellie blasphemy kink oneshot

DINA/DINELLIE

Roommate dina corrupting innocent!reader. Somno, caring dom!dina, dina has a hairy pussy because I said so, dina takes reader's virginity with a dildo, sloppy makeouts, flashback of dina 💦 to the sounds of reader masturbating while thinking dina is asleep, Dina has big boobs and playfully does a cute boob comparison and plays w readers titties. this one might actually get pushed up because I'm thinking nasty ***** thoughts. you bump coochies with dina, that's the fic.

Your friend Dina takes you over to her sneaky link, and the campus dealer, Ellie's house. Unbeknownst to you, they invited you over to score in another way, too. dom!ellie, soft dom! dina, sub!ellie. drug use, strap on penetration, voyeurism, cunnilingus, cum swapping, mutual strap sucking, mutual masturbation.

yeah... that's all i got for you babies. enjoy.

[genderfluidloki]

They say that your 30s are a time of transformation and growth. When I was visiting my friend in Chicago in April, he told me that he can already see this happening in me.

I turned 29 in March and I feel it. I feel like I am expanding, and I am getting too big for my world as it is now. There is so much more I want, so much more I need. I am discovering things about myself at what feels like breakneck speed, and it's frankly overwhelming.

The aforementioned visit to Chicago was a catalyst - it led to the dams breaking open. My friend lives in Andersonville, one of the queer neighborhoods. It blew my fucking mind that there were entire neighborhoods in this giant city filled with most queer folk. I didn't know there could be that many queer people in one place. We walked everywhere - this was admittedly difficult on me. Not only do I have chronic pain, but it has gotten worse since I've started working from home and walking less. But, the public transit was incredible. And I felt confident and comfortable being myself. Fat, queer, and all.

And I felt hot. My friend is incredibly good at making me feel attractive and fun, and going out and dancing? I never thought I would enjoy clubbing, but it was magic. We went to a queer club and I danced at a club for the first time in my life. It was so fun, and it was safe, because Dita was there, and I knew she would get me out if it wasn't for me. It was like, microdosing on overstimulation. I love to dance, and I've only really ever gotten the opportunity at weddings.

I'm putting off talking about the big epiphany I had this year, one that I really felt come to the forefront in Chicago. It's because it's embarrassing, but I need to talk about it.

I realized, or admitted, finally, that I want to fuck.

Talking about sex is extremely difficult for me. I thought I had done the work and dismantled purity culture when I gained the ability to talk about sex as a concept. I never talked about sex in the context of myself because I simply wasn't interested. It works out that no one has ever been interested in me or desired me, because I'm happier on my own.

I have only been in one relationship that I would consider a real relationship. It was long distance, and it wasn't good. It lasted three years, and I was somewhat miserable throughout. I didn't get what I needed emotionally, and we barely kissed when we saw each other in person, so I didn't get what I needed physically either. I didn't know how to even admit these things to myself, because beggars can't be choosers. Someone was actually into me, and to be clear, I was very much into them, or at least I thought so.

Turns out we are both aromantic (and asexual), and we are still friends. We live together now, and our relationship is much better, but I'm glad we are no longer dating.

It wasn't too long after that that I realized I was aromantic, on top of being asexual. I just find friendship to be much more meaningful for me. I've never really understood the difference between romance and friendship, anyway.

Eventually, comes the realization, that I want to kiss my friends. I want to fuck my friends, too. I'm not sexually attracted to them, I am still asexual, but it just seems... fun. And intimate, a way to possibly deepen my connection with people.

A way to feel desirable. Something I have never felt.

If you haven't figured it out by now, I've never had sex. I've never made out with anyone. While I have been saying for a long time that I simply wasn't interested.... I wasn't telling the truth. Not to myself, not to anyone. That just made it sting less. It's embarrassing, to never have been wanted in that way.

Recently, I signed up for some dating apps. I want to make friends who I can explore this with, as I don't believe any of my friends are, and I'm scared to ask. It hasn't gone anywhere yet, but I'm facing down the reality that this is something I have to be vulnerable about. I have to tell any potential partners about this, because it's important information if we're going to be physical.

In the meantime, I'm going to try to talk about it more. I'm going to blog. Another realization I had is that I am just not getting my emotional needs met in my friendships right now. I said earlier that I am expanding, I feel like I'm being squeezed too tight, that I've become too big to be held by those who hold me now. I am desperate to be seen. I have to find the people that will see me.

I'm going to continue to blog about this transition. It may be sporadic, and I need to work on finding a balance between blogging and simply oversharing. If you want to follow along in this journey, I thank you.

[drowninginblox]

Rewatching Voltron

Season 1

Season 2

— ~~~ —- _ — ~ }=>

Wanted to say this at the top: All of this is for fun. I haven’t seen voltron in a hot minute so I’d thought I’d go through and see if it was just as bad as we remembered. Below is my highlights and grevences, along with a few Head Canons! So stay if you want. If you don’t, I don’t care! This is just a me thing ^-^

Transition between season 1 and 2

Seamless!

So satisfying on rewatch but must’ve been a bitch on release (OGs I will never know your pain lol)

Honestly wouldn't do anything to change the start of the second season.

The evolution of the paladins language

Idk if I said it already- but I love how the paladins are using Altean vocabulary. V good detail. Hope this stays consistent

Ships: Yes we’re doing this again but Klance won’t be the biggest issue

There’s a lot of Aullura and Shiro moments in the beginning that would’ve been a great foundation for something more if it wasn’t for the fact that (spoilers) Shiro is gay. The vibes they have are very knight or mercenary x princess and I’m a sucker for that shit.

Allureith is born in this season. And all I can read from this is good intentions but no thought. Both in execution and in the actual relationship. At least right now, I may change my mind the further I go.

Allurance. To me. Is the most infuriating thing this show has to offer. Every time I see Lance take a shot on Allura, and I see her discomfort I always say something along the lines of “Can you shut the fuck up-!” Or “Can you actually stOP!” While pausing for a good moment to regain myself. Just- god. Why? She is nO T into you dude. If anything this would be wonderful character development for both characters. I can see a full ep dedicated to this issue of Lance not knowing when someone isn't interested unless they actually say it to their face while Allura is in this denial that one day lance would get the hint. And from this experience, lance either fucks off for the next few episodes or starts from scratch with Allura with the understanding that friendship should always come first. If she is comfortable with that ofc.

Klance as a whole is screaming enemies far more than rivals right now. If klance is gonna work regardless of being a bromance or romance, there should be an understanding shining through. However, with both parties actually fighting in the middle of battles, and little to no willingness to talk, Iis becoming harder and harder to see why this was the biggest ship the fandom had to offer (then again 2016 was a fandom fever dream to begin with soooo)

Platonic relationships

Give me more Coran. He needs friends. I’m volunteering literally any of the palidins. And ofc we need more of the daughter Allura dynamic since we DONT HAVE ANYY. This man is such a theater kid and we are blessed with his existence.

Keith needs more time with Hunk and Pidge! For the love of god I CANNOT see them as more then trauma bonding buddies. I already have a list of things the B team (thats what I call Hunk and Pidge together because they are the Best Team) can bond over with Keith

Tech- (for both) this is built on the fact that Keith litterally had that cork board set up in the first eps to find Shiro. (Sorry Sheith shippers. I read these two as brothers only.) I like to think that Pidge and Hunk would ask Keith for help with techy stuff almost in the same vein as Lance. The only difference being Keith knows slightly more than Lance dose.

Sports- This one is mainly for Hunk but this can bleed into Lance too. Even though he's a big nerd I like to think his family is big on Foot and Fútball. I think Keith is the same but he loves baseball far more (same with Lance). Almost like I'm projecting my I Dont Dance Au onto these two hahahahaha-

Family/ lack there of - this can go for everyone. The best way to start this convo would be at dinner in the castle. Everyone is having a very quiet time until Hunk asks "Guys, what were your family's like?" This would result in a beat of quiet as for the first time in a bit, everyone really thinks about earth. Not for a passing moment or anything. Like- seriously. Allura or Coran would encurage this, saying that they dont really now alot about the palidin's home planet. From there it would a hodge podge of stories and background. I have a few HCs bout this including Shiro not really having a family and going into the airforce for financial and emotional support only to end up on the Curburos mission to.. escape life *cough cough* Adam *cough*, Pidge would talk about their mom's cooking and how their brother helped them with homework to the point where it got annoying. Hunk would say his mom's cooking is far superrior and then talk about his dad and siblings. I want to make his dad a retired wrestler, now mechanic. Lance would take offense to Hunk's claim this his mom could cout cook his mom. But he would talk alot about how his siblings were always there for him after their dad left (YES I WANT DADDY ISSUES LEAVE ME ALONE) Allura would remark throughout these stories with questions of her own. We'd eventually end with Keith, who almost leave the table at the pressure to remark on his own upbringing. This. This would be interesting.

But ima leave it there lol

The tracking plot point and rant about season 2 ep 6

Before this ep we got sprinkles of shiro/black lion tracking- wich is great. Love that shit. I have a problem with how we figure that out tho

“Zarkon must’ve imprinted one me durring our last fight.”- Keith. My man. Explain to me wtf you mean.

Fr tho. Just because you’re half Galra dosent mean that’s how it works bro. Ik we’re not fully sure at this point but- cmon.

“It’s me.” Allura. Hunny. H o w? Why even?

Why would two people who think they’re being tracked- GO TOGETHER??? Why would you even leave in the first place?! Shirio is right. Splitting up makes y’all vulnerable! Voltron can’t be formed without Keith! Why would y’all do that?? If anything why not leave in separate pods and just so happen to crash onto the same planet the paladins are on! I’m sorry I just hate the beginning of “The Arc of Taujeer” while Keith and Allura are away there is an actual humanitarian crisis. I know it’s important but damn to the tracking idea but G O D

Allura and Keith should be shunned and punished for the stunt they pulled in this ep fr. Info learned be damned

Mall episode

God bless the mall episode. An icon. Truly. All hail. All hail!!

The Blade of Malora/ Keith’s heritage + the racism

Let’s get the great out of the way: The Blade themselves- Their introduction is great. That goes without saying.

Keiths trials- M W A H the character assessment I could make is TOO LONG ON G O D

but the actual workings of the BoM is so calculated and cold. It’s honestly so refreshing in a way I don’t know how to explain

I just love untrusting rebels because that’s the reality of rebellion. You don’t know who is for the cause and who is a gov plant

I personally want Keith’s Galra heritage more known physically. Both on him and in his upbringing. I want splotches of purple across his body that no doctor can explain (all of wich can be hidden with a change of clothes) and barely noticeable physical abnormalities (ie: longer and sharper nails, maybe purple tinted hai “I dye it…”, strange “scars” that are actually birth marks that stand out. But he passes as human. Through these excuses.

I also want flashbacks to his dad trying to pass on everything he knows about his mother’s culture. (The knife and stories)

Now- I wanna talk about the bad. Y’all know it, y’all seen it- the racism

Now- Allura, sure. She has a reason to hate the Gullra. They killed her people. That is valid and I think that the truama combined with the truth that she’s working with “the enemy” is a great conflict and is honestly wonderful character growth.

HUNK ON THE OTHER HAND- w t f. This is so out of character. Hunk is literally the heart of the group and almost as smart as Pidge. I think he would know better than anyone else that litterally nothing has changed about Keith. Hell- maybe Shiro would know that struggle of people seeing him differently better than anyone else because IDK HES GAY (unless I change that. Personally I saw Shiro straight but… audience interaction? Lol I’ll put a poll on the final season if I remember) TLDR- As Keith said: “I didn’t just turn Gullra!”

Finale (season 2, episode 12 + 13)

Aullara getting over her biases and apologizing to Keith is perfect

Shirio and Keith’s chemistry is amazing as well both in and out of combat

The spy. An icon.

The amount of tension around this plan not failing is delicious. Yummy yummy- give me more!

Emperor whomever the fuck’s obsession w/ voltron carrying over to battle

Hagar being the voice of reason aGAIN. Queen shit fr.

When I first watched this I thought the paladins died ngl. Then when I rewatched I thought Allura died. Voltron out here with the drama fr

Zarkon meka action figures. When?

ALLURA DOING SHIT- F I N A L Y (Tangent will be later I promise)

HELL YEA WINGS!!! The fursona is complete

“Shit she got tats too!” Only to be met with Deisex Machina because Allura is the main character apparently

Hands to the side of voltrons face. That scene. Fucking slapped.

EVERYONE RUNNING TO DAD ONLY TO SEE HES GONE TO GET MILK- W H Y????

oh also lotor revel lol

Smaller things

The spies for the rebelion

I’m such a fake fan I don’t remember their names, but both of them left a big impact on me with their sacrifices

The guy who died in the cluster field, was a real one. Making the big bad of the episode implode on itself with him at the center- dude

Also, the guy closer to the finale who was almost caught multiple times. What a fucking trooper.

Underwent torture and still didn’t reveal the plans

Both of these dudes need art made for them! Like- I swear to God they did so much for these fuckers and we don’t hear about them, their back stories, or their families ever. When I rewrite this, I want to include pieces of what these people are sacrificing, and who they are fighting for either before, during or after they sacrifice themselves for the revolution.

TLDR; 🫡 Real ones

Zarkon’s black lion obsession bleeding into his character

I like how hyper-focused the big bad is about controlling the black lion.

He’s kind of right in his thinking that by controlling the lion, he’s won. He’s right. But from this thought process he’s reckless and too assured in himself.

It’s a self fulfilling prophecy given layers with the later seasons

Slav

I-

Icon?

Let lance be the sharp shooter

I want more sniper man!!

I want more chuckles instead of groans

Overall- The show is still good!

This was a fun watch! Was there things I’d change? Ofc! But this season holds up just as, if not better than, the last! From what I remember everyone agrees that seasons 1-3 or 4 is the good shit and then everything goes downhill. Hopefully I’m proven wrong but I highly doubt that.

Scroll bat to the top if y’all wanna see my thoughts on Voltron season 1, thank you for reading my rambles, and, most importantly, FOLD YOUR FUCKING LAUNDRY! You’ve put it off all day-! DO IT!

[jamie4370]

What is Karma?

Maybe I deserve it. I was watching my dogs last Sunday until my ex had to come by to pick them up for their turn to watch them. Let’s call them Air. I am a competitive sports fan and I gamble occasionally on matches. This match was my home team that is on top of the league with their record. I got drunk watching the match because I was in for a good time all by myself with the dogs. Air had specified that I may need to watch the dogs over new years via text. I had forgotten all about it when she got there. I immediately turned to anger and raged on about how we never talked about it. In my anger, I punched my refrigerator (now there is a dent), and I tossed the leash in Air’s direction. The leash ended up hitting one of the dogs, which I am so mortified of now. I told Air to leave but she still stayed wanting to argue.

Air eventually left over a bunch of arguments that cut even more deep with every remark. About 2 hours after that I felt horrible. I was wrong and I knew it. I called Air hoping for some resolution, but she was reluctant to take one that was beneficial towards me. They wouldn’t have it. Air decided that it was best for me not to see the dogs. I had scared Air when I did that. Making them think that I was on the brink of being abusive. I was even more vengeful at that point. I texted them extremely demeaning comments about our last relationship and how they are deceitful. I found out later in the conversation that Air had recorded me in my vulnerable state. I thought we had a good working friendship, but they wanted to take control of the situation. I feel betrayed at the fact that they call them selves a self assured “best friend” when a best friend would try to talk me down and wouldn’t take my dogs away from me.

I’m heart broken. I don’t deserve this. I made a mistake. I’ve never been abusive towards and partner. I came from a family that was abusive toward dogs and I thought that was normal until I took a dog training class at the age of 24. I’ve taken another dog class AND I volunteer at the humane society. I would say that I am an experienced dog handler and I think I made an an error when I was cheering on my team.

Air always said that we were a team. Even after our relationship. What happened to that? You can’t forgive me and give me time to recover?

Like I said earlier: I think it’s karma. Maybe the universe had plans to punish me for the hearts I broke. The love that I lost. The trust that I’ve broken. I try really hard to accept change and improve upon myself when I can. I go to therapy regularly and I happen to have an appointment today. I exercise regularly and try to eat nutritious meals. I feel like all of that is wasted growth right now as I fell back into a state of anger.

My transitional hormones still aren’t doing me any favors in this situation. I love the results that my transition has brought me. Hot flashes and mood swings are definitely not part of those results.

Adding to everything: my chimney is leaking in my house. It’s a good thing that I am still under warranty with the roofing company that flashed the siding. It only adds to the list.

I’m slow and groggy at work. I don’t know why, but I’m on an energy drink kick rather than coffee. I usually love coffee. I always take it black now and it’s really yummy. Today’s flavor is a grape carbonated mineral juice that was definitely cooked up in a lab somewhere.

I know everything is temporary. Right now it feels like eternity. It will get better, I only need to rehydrate more from all of this crying.

“Go slow. One could not count upon such good fortune forever.”

-J

[goodlesson]

peyt’s top 10 albums released in 2022

this list was genuinely SO hard to put together!! i feel like every artist i love dropped new music this year thanks to all the studio time they had during the first couple years of the pandemic. sorry to all the great albums that didn’t make the cut - it’s not you, it’s me. 🫠

these are absolutely NOT in order because that would be an impossible task. and now, without further ado, i’ll put my rambling below:

1. give me the future + dreams of the past by bastille

i’m sure no one is surprised to see this one on my list. if you ARE surprised then idk what to tell you. this album was so surprising and different in the best way, especially after how meh i felt about doom days when it was released. thank you for the futuristic grooves mr. dan bastille!!!

top 3: stay awake?, revolution, hope for the future

2. s.i.d.e.s. by alice merton

alice was hands down the best discovery i made this year (thank you again mr. dan bastille). and just in time for her sophomore album!! it’s hard to pinpoint what really makes this album a standout for me. it honestly has it all: great vocals, honest lyrics, catchy hooks. plus alice is just so humble and so cool. how can you not like her?

top 3: future, mania, same team

3. crash by charli xcx

when crash came out, my friend was insistent i listen to it because it was “the best pop album since future nostalgia.” honestly? she was right. this is easily charli’s magnum opus. it’s so good.

top 3: good ones, constant repeat, yuck

4. 5sos5 by 5 seconds of summer

as soon as they released me myself & i as a single i knew this album was going to be It. truly their best work. one of the best parts of listening to 5sos over the years has been hearing their sound mature and this album feels like the culmination of that maturation.

top 3: me myself & i, bad omens, carousel

5. five seconds flat by lizzy mcalpine

every single song on this record feels like a hammer straight to the chest. lizzy’s lyrics are some of the best stuff i’ve heard in ages. this has to be not just one of the best albums on my list but objectively one of the best albums of the year period.

top 3: erase me, doomsday, all my ghosts

6. conditions of a punk by half•alive

they dropped half of this album back in february as give me your shoulders pt. i and at the time i was fully ready to stick that on my “best of” list - then the rest of the album came out just this month. no one is doing it like half alive. no one. they are so singularly themselves in their sound, their lyrics, and their live performances/visuals. i can’t believe they’re not being hailed as geniuses by music critics everywhere. 

top 3: hot tea, nobody, make of it

7. the loneliest time by carly rae jepsen

queen carly hath returned!! once again she has crafted the perfect pop record. listen - i know i’m aromantic but this woman’s music just makes me want to be in love sooooooo bad.

top 3: beach house, anxious, talking to yourself

8. faith in the future by louis tomlinson

the main takeaway from this album is that louis really was the heart and soul of 1d’s songwriting in the later years. his sound on this record is so reminiscent of midnight memories in the best way. this is what i was hoping his debut would sound like - and while walls didn’t quite make the mark, this record most definitely did.

top 3: holding on to heartache, common people, lucky again

9. apocalypse whenever by bad suns

this record is light and fun and i love it. no thoughts just bops. while i do miss bad suns’ language & perspective era grittiness, i dig their newer sound just as much.

top 3: life was easier when i only cared about me, when the world was mine, peachy

10. cleanse by joywave

a perfect transition from possession at the start of the pandemic to now. i knew this record would be great when they dropped the every window is a mirror EP last year and “after coffee” took over my life. and i was right!!

top 3: after coffee, cyn city 2000, buy american

other solid albums that ~just~ missed out on my list:

girl of my dreams by fletcher

stick season by noah kahan

emails i can’t send by sabrina carpenter

midnights by taylor swift

sonder by dermot kennedy

what a most excellent year for music! thanks, 2022!

[mygenderisblurry]

I'm going to try to put my gender feelings into words but it's probably going to end up rambling because I've never actually said or written it down before, it's all just been bouncing around in my head. For context, I transitioned FTM.

I've always had some small level of doubt (well, not always small, but usually small) about my transition. I would occasionally get a thought in the back of my mind like "what if I'm not really trans?" I didn't really want to go on testosterone. But I found out just before my top surgery that if I wasn't on testosterone, they wouldn't pay for top surgery, so I had to rush into starting a treatment I was ambivalent about. Now, I have mixed feelings. I love my deeper voice. I love how it sounds when I sing. I appreciate the clitoral growth, because I am finally able to orgasm after years of being anorgasmic. And for a while, it was all good. But the testosterone is still taking more effect in the form of increased facial and body hair, and I don't like it. I don't want all this hair. I've even entertained thoughts about getting laser removal on my face and I can't tell if I'm just upset because it grows in patchy or because it was never meant to be there in the first place. I knew that hair would happen, I just didn't anticipate hating it. It almost feels like reverse dysphoria.

Also, top surgery. I do like having a flat chest. That doesn't really bother me. I am bothered that my surgical scars aren't what I hoped. A lot of that is on me for being really lax with scar care (and also my ex but I won't go into that here). But I have uneven nipples and I hate them. Like it bothers me every time I get in the shower. One is permanently erect. I'm not sure if it was a complication or a botch. I do also sometimes miss my boobs. There's a lot I'm happy with about top surgery-- no back pain, no struggling to find bras that fit in stores, no random men staring at my chest. I do enjoy being fully flat. It feels comfortable. But I wonder if I'd have been better off with a reduction? I went from 36G to nothing.

I've also been embracing traditional femininity more and enjoying it. I've been playing with makeup more, and that's something I've never enjoyed before, but I like how I look with bold eye makeup (I rarely do a full face, just what I find fun). I like the convenience of long skirts when I want more freedom of movement or just don't want to wear pants. A lot of feminine clothing is so cute! I used to feel uncomfortable wearing it. I still do really. But it's so aesthetically pleasing. I really like pastels and florals. I found out I have curly hair and started growing it out and now I have beautiful shoulder-length 3C curls. And yes, beautiful is the right word. Not handsome.

But I know men can wear pastels and makeup and women can be hairy and call themselves handsome and a lot of this is just gender roles (I don't use them exclusively, for instance I still like some masc clothes as well and sometimes view myself as handsome and like the term boyfriend, but still). So I feel guilty for even questioning it. I don't know if I'm a woman or a feminine man or a man who fetishizes femininity. That last point is especially rough because I started down this path (after ignoring my little doubts and concerns) when I discovered the "detrans kink", and I thought wow, I'm really into that. That's hot. But then I started to think critically about it. What about it did I find so appealing? And why did I feel like I needed it to me something that someone pushed or forced me into, and not something I would do to myself? That's when I started putting together the above pieces. And to that last point, it's because the thought of choosing to detransition scares me. Not because I think it's definitely 100% wrong in a nonsexual context. But because it might be right, but I fear the social ramifications. I have so many trans friends and run in trans-uplifting social circles and hobby spaces IRL, so I'm worried I'd b judged at best, and lose the majority of my friends at worst. I can't even talk to anyone about this. So I'm here. Ranting, rambling, learning, and hopefully better understanding myself as I go.

[tetsutits]

hi jay!! i've been so busy but i finally managed to read the first 7k words of violet rays and didn't want to make you wait who knows how long until i have time to read more.

you are insane for that 1st paragraph! what an insanely good opening. "They call it sonder - the realization that every passerby has a life as vivid and complex as your own." incredible start. incredible.

the packing scene is such an adorable way to characterize reader. what a relatable reader character but very charming too.

somehow i missed that this wasn't a best friend ran fic but a best friend's older brother ran fic, which is infinitely more up my alley. i was so hype when i realized. because yeah, big brother ran would have me in chokehold too.

i really love the way you are structuring your scenes. the quick transitions, the balance of dialogue and interiority. i especially love how you're establishing settings. i somehow get a little lost when reading fic because of the lack of setting (which is understandable, i get authors wanting to get to the hot stuff!) but i love that you are giving us the full sensory details. my favorites so far:

"the inside of your cotton tank top sticks uncomfortably to your skin, the same way that the soft hairs at the back of your neck are sticking to each other." and "the world around you is blue and green." it's all of it tbh

i can already tell this is going to be my favorite thing you've ever written!!!

aaa omg sorry for not responding sooner!! your ask has me so giddy :> my thoughts under the cut!

the first paragraph was actually written last in the fic 👀 im not very good at intro’s, honestly i tend to struggle w them a lot; so i slapped that word in there and called it a day ahahakaksn

i actually LOVE the mc so much in this fic! i pat myself on the back because she’s so cute, and i wanted the readers to be able to relate with her on some level. i also put some of myself in her too hehe i really am writing my fantasies huh

it’s actually a theyre-both-my-best friends-but-i’m-in-love-with-the-older-one LMAO she is closer to Rin tho (and oh my god, i was trying so hard not to make him the main guy i’m so down bad he makes me SO weak) but i won’t say anymore about their dynamic in fear of spoiling it, because you’ll understand once you’ve read the whole thing!

i love that trope too!! i will admit i was falling for ran each day i was NOT immune to this pouty mess of a man! sorry ran, but rin will always remain number one in my heart!

i think it adds more spice tbh, it’s more interesting than the regular friends2lovers ✨✨

i can proudly say tho, that establishing a setting and describing surroundings is my strong point in writing, i really focus on that + characterization a lot. i worked hard on those, fun fact, i had to re write Ran’s first kitchen scene with the reader like THREE TIMES!!! bc i was like …. no .. he would not say that or act like that.. re write it. lmaoo my beta readers hate me HAHA

you are too nice to me!! thank you SO much for leaving your thoughts!!!! i was so happy when i received your ask :> you amaze me as a writer and so when i got this and realized you liked my fic i had to sit on the floor for 5 minutes to collect my self LMAO

i’m excited to hear your thoughts on the other half! it definitely gets better as you read and Ran gets sexier of course take your time, and sorry it took me a while to respond i’m actually meant to be on a social media break rn lol, have a good day!!!💕

[yunnathearcher]

Dreams picking up. Again. Feeling the tension in my body from isometric holds and heavy lifts. Tempted to snooze and sleep through the 5th or 6th (maybe 7th) alarm. Slide down onto the yoga mat instead. Afterwards, I'm just sitting. Legs crossed, body attuned and open- spiritually. Taking the lashes off, mentally preparing for the day. The archer ♐︎

Visualizing kisses at the crown of my head, traveling down the base of my skull, nuzzling the nape of my neck. Respect. Love. Trust. Compassion. What real dreams are made of. The air turns cold as fall comes in, the nights come sooner, the waves far and fewer in between. Nighttime stillness. Handling the days like a professional and the evenings like an intern. There are transitions to be made. Moon ☽

Opening my eyes wider and slowing down some as we near closer to winter. For now I am on go. Election Day. Under a void moon. Not ideal but duty calls. More dreams. Elevation, gates and patience. The more I think about it the more I miss the natural speed of life. Eagle twist at the top of it. Felt like I could lay there all day. But there are sides to choose. The lion ♌︎

System issues and tech glitches through the day, tunnel vision and energy conservation through the night. Things change rapidly. I watch them from the edge of my world, knowing no matter which way the world turns my life must go on. Resolution in the wee hours of the night. I’m in the deepest part of sleep by the time the word comes in. This is America. Mars ♂

Throat and shoulders tight in fish pose. Right ear warm, sending tingles down my right cheek. Affirmative words being spoken. Heart and eyes opening to today’s themes. It’ll be first quarter before I know it. It’ll be the weekend before I know it. It’ll be 2025 before I know it. The archer ♐︎

Idk. The leader matches the nation. It’s a heathen nation. Would it have been better for a Black woman to come in and be responsible for the reformation and clean up job? The same country built off the backs of our ancestors? Yeah.. nah. Still, progress. Also, focusing on where there is impact and motion. Operating within and connecting when and where I can. It’s a simple life. Take off that cape beloved. This was never that. Mercury ☿

Wrapped around you like it’s the only thing I’ve got to do. The feel of your cheek against mine. The warmth of your body along my spine. Body’s closer than close. Merged. Intertwined. Lighthearted and passionate. Whose book is that? And where are my panties? It doesn’t matter. Too deep in the moment to concern myself with what comes after or before. Later a familiar spirit in the yard. A black kitty cat. Connected. All eyes on you. Can I pet that dog? What about swallow it? The twins ♊︎

Tender. The way your chin finds its way to my shoulder. The way you grab hold of my waist and pull me closer. Sleeping with you and later finding you in my thoughts. A day spent working and daydreaming. Emotional changes sending ripples through my foundation. Not afraid to love, to be seen, to be vulnerable, to vibrate. Still, late at night I'm buried under the covers. The world is too loud, in front and behind the screens. I spend my time reimagining what life really means. To me. Jupiter ♃

Early mornings. Full of water and sleep. Wrapped in the sheets in between darkness and dawn. AM sessions on the peloton. Full body routine to jump start the day. Living how I want. Because I can. Because I’m able. Because I’m grateful. Body open, standing underneath the shower head, hot water pouring all over my skin. Later feeling my body shake in half boat pose. And even later looking into the mirror, closing my eyes and feeling my reflection smiling back. The archer ♐︎

Outside was thinking of me but I was thinking of sleep. So I napped after clocking out. Woke up to a pizza in the oven and a to do list in my mind. Vibed. Texts reminding me that I am loved. Memories reminding me that I am on purpose. Flashbacks reminding me that I am capable of feeling complex emotions while honoring myself. Operating freely at both ends of the spectrum, embracing both polarities. Extremely busy day tomorrow and most likely an extremely busy week. Meh. That’s how I like it though, it’s how I need it. Venus ♀

Sleeping good, sleeping deep. Waking up ready for the day. Lots of things on the to do list. Hard to stop thinking about you. So I just flow with it, I just vibe. Missing natural bodies of water, thinking about the end of the year, feeling my way through each moment in time. Feeling human, feeling divine. The fish ♓︎

Toying with some ideas, will refine and tweak them a bit and begin to try them out in the upcoming weeks. A leg day worth being proud of. Lots & lots of protein. Heart to heart talks with you. Futurama & Chinese food. We both can feel it, how things have changed from how they once was. But the love stays the same and the respect is there. Crawling into bed, listening to simulated rain. Saturn ♄

And on the ☉ day of the scorpion ♏︎ she stuck to the mission, she rested.

[themomsandthecity]

How a Postnatal Retreat Helped Me Transition Into Motherhood

I have now been a mom for a little over a year - and looking back at my journey, the best decision I made for my mental health was going to a postpartum care center. Heading into my third trimester, I was scared. I didn't know what to expect in the delivery room, so I spent hours researching the labor process - what did contractions feel like and how would I get through them? While poring over baby blogs, I also kept reading about postpartum depression and baby blues and became worried about what life would be like after giving birth. I had family living nearby and was grateful that I knew I'd be able to lean on them for support, but that alone didn't ease my anxiety. Then I was introduced to Boram. Founded in 2022, Boram is a postnatal retreat designed to help new parents build a strong postpartum foundation by offering coaching sessions on topics like infant soothing, swaddling, coping with postpartum depression or anxiety, and newborn feeding (whether that's formula or breast milk). At the heart of Boram's mission is the belief that parents deserve rest, care, and support after welcoming their new baby. Prioritizing rest for new moms is popular in Asian cultures, and I was excited that finally a place like this existed in New York City. So, I reached out to Boram in November, just as I was about to enter my third trimester, about arranging a retreat. (Rates for overnight retreats vary by length of time spent at the clinic: a three-night stay starts at $1,050 per night, while a seven-night stay starts at $950 per night. Boram covered the costs of my weeklong stay.) The folks at Boram advised that I would go straight to the care center from the hospital after being discharged. That way, I could gain maximum support with recovery and receive round-the-clock care for my baby. I agreed and that was the plan. But as we all know, sometimes plans fall through. My First Days as a New Mom My birth experience was far from what I had planned and envisioned. Two minutes after my newborn son was placed on my chest for skin-to-skin contact, the nurses swept him away again. He was experiencing health complications and needed more examinations. All I remember was a rush of doctors and nurses barging in while I was in the middle of delivering my placenta. This was not what I thought my introduction to motherhood would look like. As I stared at the bright hospital lights and heard loud monitor sounds, I felt nauseous and hot. I spiked a fever. It felt like I was having an out-of-body experience, like I was watching myself in the hospital and also watching the doctors tend to my baby. Instead of checking in at Boram, my son and I were transferred to another hospital, where he stayed in the NICU for 10 days. People don't talk enough about the fourth trimester and what happens to a woman's body and mind after giving birth. As we birth a baby, we also experience a rebirth in our own way. I spent two weeks at home after my hospital stay before I was able to begin my retreat at Boram. As we birth a baby, we also experience a rebirth in our own way. During this time, dealing with a newborn and sleep deprivation challenged my patience and strength. I was drowning in my thoughts and felt like screaming at the top of my lungs for air. I struggled with conflicting feelings and postpartum rage: how could I feel so grateful and happy with this new love in my life, yet feel anxious, alone, and overwhelmed with this new identity and life? I felt lost and cried almost every day. Little did I know, help was around the corner. What It's Like to Stay at a Postpartum Retreat Center When my partner and I arrived at Boram, we were immediately greeted with warmth. The team all had smiles and brought me straight to my suite, a spacious, quiet room with a king-size bed and huge windows overlooking Midtown. Before I settled in, a care associate gave me a postpartum depression evaluation to fill out and told… https://www.popsugar.com/family/boram-postpartum-care-center-review-49339972?utm_source=dlvr.it&utm_medium=tumblr