#let alone aro allo like I think I am

[queen0funova]

In the club crying because I don't exist in media. Like at all

[probablynotsamantha]

Dammit heart why are you like this ik she's like the exact damn girl you would've thought up to be as attractive and friend as humanly possible to me but you still don't have to be this whiny about it.

[angryaromantics]

Hi! Aromantic here. Just wanted to vent here and know your thoughts on this.

I told a friend about how I would love to have a best friend to go through life with. I don’t want an SO or kids and I would like said best friend to have those same wants.

They were sad about this mainly because I didn’t consider them a best friend and they do want an SO and kids.

I can see them as a best friend that’s not the problem. I really love this friend with all my heart. I was kind of upset about it. Because it felt like I couldn’t have what I want if that makes sense? I know they don’t mean it that way.

I want commitment from said best friend that I wish to find one day. Am I not allowed that?? In my head, since they want an SO I’ll be on the side. I’ll be less important than the family they create. They said that I won’t be less important but I straight up can’t see it. I’ve been poisoned by amatonormativity at a young age and deconstructing that is REALLY hard. No progress made at all.

I know I should trust what they say. But at the same time I want to be enough for somebody. I don’t want to live alone and have no one to talk to physically. I would like to experience commitment. I want exclusivity. It’s all just really hard to process.

I'm sorry, that sounds like such a tough situation to be in. I can definitely understand your point of view. When you have such specific wants and needs that don't align with the societal norms (kids, s/o, etc.), it's hard to find someone to fulfill this needs, and can be even harder to trust that anyone you find will.

I do think it's worth noting that even allo people often do want these sorts of dynamics as well. You don't have to be aro to reject the amatanormative mold, it just gives some of us a jump start. Many allo people, when they realize it's an option, will embrace atypical relationship structures right along with you.

I'm going to bring myself into this as anecdotal experience because honestly, that's all we've got. I spent literal years, assuming my sister would settle down and form a family unit that automatically becomes more important than me. She's married, and that STILL hasn't come true. We're actively trying to buy a house and build a life together right now. There's absolutely no reason your friend can't want the same.

That being said, it's hard to build that trust. We spend so long letting our brains flow through the same amatanormative thought patterns, and it takes active effort to confront them and question where they're coming from. Unfortunately, allos have the same issues, so there's always the chance that it simply Won't work out with your friend. And that's scary! But that's the way all relationships of any structure work.

You never know how things will work out, but you've got to decide if what you want, and who you want it with, is worth taking the plunge.

[fnafs-ex-boyfriend]

Please Let Alastor be explicitly AroAce

So this is one of my anxieties about the Hazbin Hotel show that I’ve been stressing about as the release date gets closer and closer. A lot of the content made by fans and voice actors leading up to this release date is supercool but I think, as an Aro-Ace (Aromantic Asexual) person, I have some thoughts on how his sexuality is handled in the upcoming show.

(Disclaimer: I am not trying to put down any specific creators in this, simply voicing my frustration as someone who never gets proper representation. This also doesn’t really count as an “essay” with a thesis, mostly just seeing if anyone else feels this way and addressing my voice as a minority in the queer community.)

In this past decade, we’ve had so much delightful LGBTQIA+ representation and it is truly amazing. My fellow AroAces and I have even gotten some of us in shows such as The Owl House and Steven Universe. However, the trend I’ve noticed with these AroAce characters is how invisible they are in their respective medias. And it’s mostly understandable why. Most modern LGBT representation is carried out by throwing two queer characters in a relationship, and since Aromanticism is defined by a lack of romance, there’s not a way to segue that in naturally unless it’s an entire plotline. And while that seems to be a lot of (allo) creators’ attitudes towards aro-asexuality, I personally don’t think that’s really true. A lot of these creators who make aro-ace characters seem to have this attitude, and while I’m grateful for the representation that we have, it’s still disheartening when that’s all we get.

Now onto the topic of Alastor. He’s only canonically been in a single pilot, where no one’s sexualities is really focused on. But as a series which will likely have a lot of romance in it, they must be some focus on it at some point. But with the direction that a lot of similar characters to Alastor have taken, with some of the comments made by certain creators, and with how much hype his character has gotten in the AroAce community, my concern is that he will have the same “silent treatment” that someone like, say, Lilith got. (Note: this is not to dump on Lilith Clawthorne. She is a badass bitch and I love her).

And since AroAce-ness is such an “invisible” sexuality due to its lack of focus on romance, it feels like a lot of (allo) creators tend to just throw it in and call it a day. But that’s just not satisfying representation anymore and it almost feels like bait. I don’t think creators do this intentionally, but it is disheartening after you’ve seen it enough times. If Alastor is like this, I will be extremely disappointed. Alastor was such a special character to me, and if his representation in the Hazbin show doesn’t live up to the hype of the AroAce community, it’ll hurt a lot more than a little.

Admittedly, hunicast’s Alastor and Angel sketches have been pretty good at satiating that AroAce-ness for me, and if that’s what Alastor is like in the show, I would be satisfied. I’m just stating my concern that it won’t be brought up at all and just render that part of his character as a useless detail thrown in “just because”. I am excited for the Hazbin show, and I also want to know what you all think. Fellow double-A’s, what are your hopes about this? Am I alone in thinking this way? Let me know!

[nams2]

Two exclusionists in the qpr tag this week and "qprs are amatonormative" discourse seems to be stepping up again. So fuck it. Im going to stop being acceptable queerplatonic aro and talk about what its actually like.

I am so god damn sick of us being shoved in the corner by the rest of the aro community. Like, first of all, every single time I've looked into aro media, its exclusively representing the nonpartnering experience. If the concept of qprs or anything similar comes up (it so rarely does) its literally just so the aro character can turn to the screen and go "its ok, Im not interested in that!"

But it's ok, theres plenty of characters that could be *interpreted* as a qpr! Its always fucking up to interpretation. Not even aro authors just use the word queerplatonic, no. It always has to be some vauge wishy washy "up to interpretation" shit so everyone else can happily ignore it.

And then the aro community has the fucking gall to act like nonpartnering rep is somehow hard to find? And specifically blame partnering aros for it? Fuck right off.

Oh but dont worry, this is just the tip of the iceberg. Because then you get into the real aros and theyre just as bad. Most aro positivity or affrimation shit specifically and intentionally focuses on living alone or not looking for relationships, as if this is a universal experience among aros. Ive literally seen a recurring trend of other aros saying its *toxic* to want to live with someone, because why aren't you happy living in perpetual isolation? Real aros are happy with it. If your not happy with it, you must be sick.

And oh boy, the fucking casualness of the more overt exclusionism.

I mean, how many times have I seen the "love loses" slogan posted? Its such a common affirmation in the aro community and there is simply no way to see it as anything other than a giant middle finger to us. And it isnt just this one phrase. Thats just one example I can think of off the top of my head.

Almost as much as the overt exclusionists who keep raiding our tags, along with the other tag raiders who come in to tell us "Im very pro qpr, but I think the exclusionists are right. I just wish you wouldn't have them or talk about them, because I think theyre very amatonormative". Theyre not pro qpr. Like seriously, if your another partnering aro, dont listen to these people. Their goal is to push us out of the community, it has always been to push us out.

Honestly there is so much more that I could bring up. Like how we're frequently asked to add disclaimers on our posts reassuring aros that they dont need to have partners (as if 90% of anything about aromantisism isnt already telling them that) even though I never see the opposite disclaimer.

But its ok, for some reason the aro community is also convinced we're more acceptable to the allos! How. I have never once in my life seen an allo say anything indicating that. In fact, aphobes always double down on us, because they see us as potential converts.

Like, really, the allo queer scene has a similar problem. To them, the idea of things like platonic marriage come up as a joke, something that indicates that your a gay person in denial. But thats a whole other post. Dont let it fool you, allos have routinely been less hostile to me in this respect that other aros.

Honestly, the more I'm exposed to aro tumblr, the more I see it as just as much of an enemy as everyone else.

[yrrtyrrtwhenihrrthrrt]

My existence is weird because like

I am not aro/ace. I don't think, anyways. I'm bisexual and biromantic. I look at hot people and go "AWOOGA." While it's rare and extremely difficult, I do form romantic attractions and attachments (it's weird, it almost never happens and when it does it's so extreme and sudden it's like getting hit upside the head with a sack of hammers)

But I also don't have any plans to be in an enduring sexual/romantic relationship for the rest of my life. If it happens it happens but I wasted so much mental health agonizing because I thought that the meaning of life was to have a romantic life partner, and that happiness was impossible without it, and I struggled so much to develop romantic feelings and on the few occasions I did, they weren't requited. I thought my life was worthless and that I'd never be happy and it brought me to the darkest place I've ever been.

Then I figured out that being in a romantic relationship wasn't mandatory and I could be happy without it. And I relate so heavily to how isolating it is when the culture around you enforces this idea that romance and sex are mandatory to live a happy life and without them you'll be miserable and alone.

Anyway, something something queerphobia affects more than just queer people something something

So I'd like to let all my aces AND allos know: Your relationship status does not define you. Your friendships are just as if not more important than a romantic relationship. My best friend means more to me than any romantic partner I have ever had and probably ever will have. Even if I fall in love and get married my best friend will ALWAYS be the most important person in the world to me.

Please, don't get into a relationship just for the sake of being in a relationship or because you feel like you'll be worthless if you don't. If you are interested in having a relationship, you deserve to have one with someone who you love, who excites you and treats you well. Because BEING SINGLE IS NOT A BAD THING

Anyways just. Allosexuals/Alloromantics can be happy without sex or romance and Aro/Ace people are valid and all of your relationships are important whether or not you doink or date each other.

[docmerlin]

i think. one of the reasons ppl hate aros so much (and aces as an extension, but these thoughts came from seeing arophobia) is because a lot of allo people who do things the traditional way suffer so much for the sake of their romantic relationships, and they’re just... taught to be okay with that. like that’s Normal. “i hate my wife” jokes, “my boyfriend won’t let me do this,” “marriage is the end of your life,” etc. looking at these sorts of relationships from the outside, it seems like people are miserable and yet they don’t question it.

the default expectation is to pick one person to commit to for as long as you live, so a lot of people settle for someone they’re not 100% happy with, and they end up hating their spouse or they just get divorced and look for another person to fill some kind of void they think is there. and it seems like most people will just pick one person kinda early on in life since they’re afraid of being single or “dying alone“ or whatever. there’s this immense pressure to “settle down“ before everyone else has been claimed by a romantic partner, and if you don’t, people see that as a failure.

so when someone takes a step outside that default expectation and coins a term for it (aros, aces, polyam people, relationship anarchists, etc) people feel threatened. they go through So Much in order to find that one perfect romantic partner, and other people are out here having different types of fulfilling relationships without following the formula they’ve been taught all their life.

i think it’s the same with other types of queerness honestly. trans & nonbinary people break the Gender Rules set by society, so people get upset and yell “you can’t do that!“ bi/pan/etc people experience attraction to more than one gender, whereas you’re “supposed“ to be attracted to only one, so people think mspec people are a threat to them somehow. they think they need to point and laugh and shame these people for breaking tradition, so they can keep their fragile status quo.

i want to clarify that i am NOT saying aro/ace/polyam/RA people are inherently “better” for their identities or relationship styles. i’m not saying romantic relationships = suffering or that people can’t have healthy & fulfilling monogamous relationships.

i’m saying the widely-accepted culture around monogamy & romantic relationships in general is incredibly toxic. deconstructing these ideas of what we “should“ be doing in our relationships would benefit everyone, whether you’re queer or not. if you’re miserable in a committed relationship, you shouldn’t have to stay in it just because society tells you you’re worthless if you don’t have one. and if someone doesn’t feel a certain type of attraction or chooses not to engage in traditional relationships, they don’t deserve to be mocked and bullied for it.

if you have a fulfilling romantic relationship, or you want to seek one out, i’m so happy for you! this post is not an attack on you. it’s for people who are assholes to anyone who doesn’t follow tradition.

[nerves-nebula]

As an aro person, I both hate and love writing romantic attraction. I love it because, I like fantasy and saw romance as a cross between fantasy and mental illness, before I learned that romantic attraction is an entire thing people feel wtf-

So now it’s a bit weird. But it’s still fun as long as I don’t think about that. Having characters get all obsessed with an entire person, and using cool metaphors and hyperboles (that are actual sensations allos feel ew but lets just not think about that-) that can be super flowery and make no sense at all. It’s just so abstract, and beautiful in a distant way: the adoration, the devotion, the softness, etc.

And on the more fun end, it’s basically an excuse for characters to act in exceedingly stupid and overdramatic ways. It’s so fake and weird that it’s a little bit funny to me.

I like fantasy and saw romance as a cross between fantasy and mental illness

nah cause like why are you literally 100% correct about this. my sisters will tell me about their crushes and im like "thats weird what are u doing are u OK" i've described the concept of having a crush as akin to psychological horror for me. like being suddenly and randomly obsessed with someone for no apparent reason??? ough. but apparently THEY'RE the normal ones cause they're suddenly really into a guy who is honestly pretty mid.

that being said i am a huge weirdo who never wants to be alone so i am also obsessed with bodysharing and codependent relationships and people being a little too obsessed with each other. but the thing about that for me is that it's not based on romantic attraction or anything like that, so much as its based on personality and interests and goals aligning.

that spark when you vibe with someone because you guys have a lot of similar core perspectives and values !! but it usually takes a long time to get to that point so it's not fun for me if its just like, a random cursh or w/e.

anyway ur so right and i salute u in ur romance writing journey

[aspecpplarebeautiful]

so i think i'm probably gray ace and maybe gray aro as well. how do i get over the feeling (from internalizing how other people talk about this lollll) that i'm just overlabeling myself and this isn't a real thing to be labeling, i just have less attraction but i'm still allo? bc i really identify with ace spectrum communities in a lot of ways and i find comfort in sharing that identity as it helps me explain some of my experiences. but i just feel like i'm not "ace enough" and that bc i don't think i'm 100% ace, what if one day i have strong attraction and a relationship and i feel like that invalidates who i think i am now?

I think there's two big reasons why feeling like a fake is so common for a-spec people is 2 reasons. The first is your reasoning for identifying as a-spec is usually an absence of something (unless it's something like repulsion), and it's so hard to be 100% certain an absence actually isn't there. Or that other people are feeling something we're not. There's always either going to be that feeling of 'oh maybe that feeling is there and I just missed it' or 'other people surely can't be experiencing these things this strongly, people are exaggerating.'

The other thing that I think is happening is the message we get is being a-spec weird, and allo normal. So we think on some level we should feel being a-spec, it should feel like something. But overwhelming it just feels normal to us.

So understanding why you feel this way can help with those feelings of invalidation. I also recommend trying to be OK with those feelings. It's OK to say 'this is what this feeling is, this is why I feel this way' and just trying to be comfortable with that, and not letting it get into your head too much. Acknowledge it and then dismiss it. Slowly but surely those feelings should pop up less and less.

Specifically for the ace enough/not ace enough thing, I think it's a good idea to move away from looking at asexuality as a scale of less sexual=more ace, and more sexual=less ace. And try and look at it more as every ace experience and way of being ace is all ace, and there is no more or less ace. (And gray-aces can choose for themselves if they also ID as ace, but a lot too, and those gray-ace are just as ace as well.)

Basically look at it more as all these experiences are important to talk about, and important to share. And we all have that thing in common where we feel like allosexuality doesn't fit us right or has requirements we can't meet, etc. And there's probably other aces or gray-aces like you as well who hearing your experiences will make them feel less alone and more part of a community as well.

What if you develop strong attraction/get into a relationship in the future? If you woke up tomorrow and suddenly you experienced strong attraction, wanted all the things allo people are supposed to want, etc. it wouldn't change who you are today. And wouldn't invalidate your feelings today. Who you are today and what your current experiences matter, and one hypothetical situation doesn't invalidate that.

All the best, Anon! Good luck!

[unreliablewitness34]

I’m having a weird one about my sexuality.

See, I’m neither asexual nor aromatic. I know this, I have experienced both sexual attraction and romantic feelings (though not necessarily a very strong “in love”) before. Or at least I’m pretty sure that’s what it was.

But I have never been in a romantic relationship and I’ve never had sex. And the way I hear aces and aros talk about their experiences, most notably of just not *getting* sex/romance as a need… a lot of the time they describe what I feel exactly.

Unfortunately, as a less stable teenager that used to make me mad. Not in a “your identity doesn’t exist” type of way, thank god I never fell for the nastiest sides of ace discourse. But in a more “this isn’t unique to you why are you pretending it is”, in a “i feel ignored and i hate it” kind of juvenile way. All foolish, needless to say.

Nowadays, as a more balanced individual, it just makes me wonder. Why do I as a (probably) allo person relate to this? Because I really am in no hurry to “rectify” (quotes doing some heavy lifting here) my virginal status or to be in a romantic relationship. I think I could go my life without it and be fine. Like, sure I want somebody (or multiple somebodies) to share my life with, I don’t want to live alone forever, but whether or not we call what we have “romantic” doesn’t matter to me at all.

In the end I find I don’t really care too much. Maybe I am actually aroace, maybe I fall extremely slowly and have a pretty much nonexistent sex drive, or maybe I’m just a virgin loser coping, as my Redditor brother would say. To me, there is nothing to be gained from endless dissecting my identity, I just let it be what it is and roll with the punches (not saying there can’t be value in it for you, this is just a me thing). I simply marvel at the multitude of human experiences.

[aroaceconfessions]

anyone else feel kinda alienated among aspecs and the larger queer community sometimes? i definitely don't experience emotional attraction and considering my neurodivergency and trauma-based disorders i don't think i will any time in the future (not that this makes me any less of an aspec, as i would still lack attraction regardless of whether something caused it or not. this goes for others too, if any of you are wondering this for yourself). anyway, my point here being that lots of aros do feel squishes, sometimes with the added feelings of happiness or nervousness. i'm greyplatonic so it's rare for me to consider someone Friend Material Enough to the point where i want them to be a friend, however when i befriend someone it comes without any emotions (thank the trauma for that). it's just a feeling of 'yeah this person would be a nice addition to my life as a friend'. a matter of wanting to spend time with them, perhaps. as for my other attractions, i'm obviously aro and perhaps greyace because people turn me on more often than i actually want to engage in sexual activity with them, you know? those aren't the same thing. i do experience aesthethic and sensual attraction, but i do not experience alterous attraction and although i'm considering queerplatonic relationships my attractions aren't emotional so it feels weird to tell someone 'yeah you dont make me happy (actually not much does, it's the mental illness babyyy) but will you somehow consider this important relationship with me?' i may be a mess, whoopsies. there is also the fact that i'm gay as hell and i would love to have a solely non-sexual physical relationship with someone without any obligations for emotions or the like. must cuddle girls like girls do ^_^ though i also realized that i crave these relationships straight girls seem to talk about where they do physical things without being attracted to eachother romantically or sexually. like yesss let me be a lesbian but not an allo lesbian in the way everyone expects me to be. just girls! also i am not very good at boy interactions and i would not like to cuddle a boy. maybe put them on a leash /j alright anyway. this is getting long but my point here is that i'm the traumatized mentally ill aspec the exclusionists warned you about who does not feel positive connection-based emotions around people (let alone any at all) and i stare at some of the aspecs and the queers and allos like ???? emotional relationships? what're they?

[readingrobin]

9, 10 and 18 for the ace asks? 💜🖤

9. Favorite canon Ace characters?

Jughead from the Archie comics is probably my #1. I've loved him ever since I started reading the comics as a kid and now I realize it goes beyond the shared love of hamburgers and snark. Riverdale seriously dropped the ball on not giving us ace representation through him, but I guess we have to see every teenager on that show have horny antics or it's all for naught. I recommend reading Chip Zdarsky's run on the Jughead comics for some great ace Jughead.

Todd Chavez from Bojack Horseman is up there as well. I thought his coming out arc was really well done. I remember in the season proceeding it, when he said "I think I might be nothing" I felt so solid in that moment, as if I was finally starting to exist. I loved how the writers managed to create a zany, stumbles into whimsy type character while also balancing him with more grounded, humanizing moments.

And lastly there's Alastor from Hazbin Hotel. What can I say? I love chaotic, malevolent tricksters with sharp edges and a color palette to remind me of my edgy youth. It'll be interesting to see if the show touches on his asexuality or leaves it alone. Seeing as he died sometime in the 30s, he wouldn't exactly know the specifics of his orientation, but it would be neat to see if that's something explored upon in the show. Guess we'll just have to wait and see.

10. Headcanon any characters as ace?

I know I've probably said this somewhere before, but I can totally see Puck from A Midsummer Night's Dream being ace/aro. They're one of the only principal characters that, within the text itself, isn't paired off with anyone. Sure, there are some iterations that have them with Oberon, but that's more metatexual. I could see them pretty much causing problems on purpose because the allos are driving them nuts again, what with Oberon and Titania's beef.

18. What ace stereotypes do you fall in?

Let's see, I like cake, dragons, pizza, cuddling, the staples. I am sex-repulsed, so watching/reading sex scenes is pretty uncomfortable for me. Now that doesn't mean I can't have a dirty as hell mind. Usually I'm the first to make a crude joke or have my mind in the gutter, so I guess that's one stereotype I don't fall into. I can be pretty immature and childish, and I, for the life of me, can't understand flirting. I don't know what a flirt is and I never will.

Send me an ace ask!

[littlefoxwithbighat]

Dear tumblr.

I'm tired.

I'm asexual and arospec. (Also queer not that that should matter to this post) . That's a fact, for now at least.

Some of you who are not that (aspec) probably think you know what that's like. You don't.

When I first realised I was asexual I was about 14. I didn't come out. I just thought "OK, this explains why I feel differently to other people about crushes and sex and life. This explains why I don't get certain jokes and certain norms and certain things." I was alone. There were some forums on AVEN that helped and later some reddit communities. But the fact was there was nobody else who understood the world like me in the entire world, or that I'd met. If I said that I never a bit of a freak, I'd be lying.

And I'd also be lying if I said I didn't realise that my friends were going to grow up and realise the world differently to me, because if you're not acespec you have no idea how much of mundane things are impacted by not feeling sexual attraction. And let me tell you IT'S NOT just that you don't have sex, and the next person who says that is getting thrown into a wall. It fundementally shapes the way you interact with the world.

I was nearly 15 when I heard aromantic, and simultaneously when I wondered, "is that me?" And it COULDN'T be me! It could never be me! Becuse if I was aromantic to any degree then I was even worse. Asexual was fine by me because at least I could still live a normal life. Aromantic was WRONG. Aromantic was broken. Aromantic was ultimately hopeless, because if I couldn't love then what was wrong with me and what could I give to society?

I stayed in hardcore denial for a while and then eventually accepted it. And I still remember it, becuase I was home alone, and I said aloud "I don't want to be aromantic. Please don't let me be aromantic." And I very almost, for the first time in ages, cried.

I have to make up crushes to fit in. I have to make up feelings to fit in. I have to pretend to understand and grapple with what I don't. I have to live with knowing that I am different and odd and broken. An entire section of the "fundemental human experience," of FEELINGS is shut of from me. My friends are going to grow up and get married. I don't know if I can do that. My family will expect l me to. All adults in my life are, or will be. What do I say? Where will I be in the future. I will have to make up for it somehow because I can't give anything to society with a family or husband I will never have, I will never be fulfilled with it. Being academically successful is important, getting a job in the future is terrifyingly crucial. Because if I cannot succeed and I cannot love then what the hell is the point of me.

And I know nobody else like me in the entire world.

I am falling through it and there is nowhere to fall and nowhere to land. I am asexual and arospec and I am alone.

There are almost no aro communities online.

Often I look to the LGBTQ+ community. And every time it is a huge gamble. But I am looking at it like a dying man looks at water in the desert becuse in so many ways it looks so good. People here get it. People here are way more like me. And its BIG and its full and its right there. And everytime I step towards it I am bombarded by people telling me and people like me I am too privilidged, too self-obsessed, too wrong, not real enough, not there enough, not anything enough to fit in.

I am too broken and different for heteroallo society and too privileged and too lacking in attraction for the LGBTQ society and there is nobody for me.

Both sides tell me I'm faking my identity. I wonder if I am. I question myself constantly. How do I prove what isnt there? I can't.

Sometimes people say find your own society! Make your own place! Like I haven't tried. Everytime I look to aro and ace spaces online, it's like looking at a tiny fragmented battlefield where almost everyone is dead. Everyone, everyplace has been ravaged by trolls and exclusionsists and aphobes. I CANNOT GO TO ASPEC COMMUNITIES BECAUSE THEY BARELY EXIST.

There are barely any jokes, any memes, any love, any listening, any faces, any anything. There is no intertwined sense of communitity, no constants. We don't have terms to describe ourselves like the lesbian community, or the gay community. We have a few words for under-umbrella identifies like demi-sexual/romantic, and the words sex-favourable/neutral/repulsed, all of which have been dragged through hell with discourse.

And it's probably one of the worst on tumblr (and twitter) by the way. The only people here, are people questioning, in posts that get a few notes and that's it.

I cannot joke about my identity online without facing backlash. I can't talk about my struggles being aspec online without facing backlash. If any aspec brings up problems they are hated on or ignored. If any aspec tries to bring the community together, exclusionists find it and ruin it. If you are even open about being aspec online, you get comments with various levels of hidden hate and innapropriete videos and remarks, even if you're a minor.

Pride, I realise is the only solution we have to a society and to an inner conscious that makes you hate yourself.

All terms I used to describe myself are buried. People do not know what asexual or aromantic means in the larger world. Despite it being more than 1% of the population. The long history of my people is erased.

I am tired. I am alone. And I am scared for the baby aces and aros that are going to come here alone, looking for love and a place and find none.

Allo(ros) reblog this please. And actually read it don't just scroll past it.

[kingofthewilderwest]

What's amatonormativity??

I’d encourage you to go to Google or check out tumblr tags and posts on amatonormativity to learn more!

Amatonormativity is the internalized cultural mindset that romance is default and central. It especially conceives of romance as the single most important relationship in someone’s life, to the point it should be focused upon and sought out above any other bond. It treats romance like the universal ultimate solution to any of our emotional bond problems (loneliness, intimacy, trust, support, longevity of relationships, etc.). Amatonormativity is heavily ingrained in many societies, like the mindset I find in people in the United States.

Of course romance isn’t a bad life experience! For many people, it can bring great joy. When people criticize amatonormativity, people aren’t criticizing that romance can be a great thing in someone’s life. The problem with amatonormativity is that it treats romance as the ULTIMATE thing, the ONE solution to our need for emotional fulfillment.

It’s important to understand that amatonormativity has profound negative side effects, whether you’re allo or aro, whether you’re queer or straight, and whatever gender you are. Society takes a lot of things for granted regarding romance and this can stunt our happiness. It stunts our ability to bond with other people around us or find satisfaction within our lives.

Amatonormativity underlies emotionally stunting assumptions like..... (disclaimer... I will often use language defaulting to the Western cishet perspective, because that’s the mindset of my broader society... I myself am an aroace enby and have more nuanced understandings of gender, gender expression, gender roles, sexual attraction and identity, romantic attraction and identity, etc.)

Automatically assuming that just because a man talks to a woman, the interaction MUST be romantic in nature (this of course intertwines with heteronormativity -- many of my points will intertwine with heteronormativity). It assumes there’s no such thing as “just friends” between people of “opposite” genders. This in turn can result in us losing opportunities to bond to, understand, or properly respect... literally half the human population.  

Treating friendships as secondary. Treating friendships as temporary. Treating friendships as more replaceable than romance. Treating friendships as less “deep” and important to our time than romance, even a romance you started two days ago with someone you met last week. By doing this, we lose the chance to grow deeper with someone near us. It limits the potential by which we can bond with another human soul and find happiness.  

The belief we are unlovable and not worth anything because we can’t find a romantic partner. I don’t know how many times I’ve seen people disregard their own worth because of this, and it makes me deeply sad. The truth is that our worth is not at all tied to whether we have a romantic partner. We can be so deeply loved and cherished in all sorts of relationships. Of course it’s still valid if you feel single blues because you want a romantic partner, but tying the concept into “I am worthless OR I’m dating” clearly is an emotionally harmful concept. It can result in everything down to hooking up in a relationship that you aren’t ready for or don’t like as much as you pretend you do.  

The belief that we are utterly alone without a romantic partner. I notice this often ties into the amatonormative belief that we can only get good physical touch, trust, emotional and physical intimacy, etc. through a romantic partner. I feel this mindset is especially pronounced in cishet men, since USA culture treats masculinity as lacking outwardly expressed vulnerability, and ergo you might not be getting your emotional needs met through your platonic and familial relations. The one “accepted” way of getting your emotional needs met comes through The Girlfriend / Wife. This belief prevents us from reaching out and finding support through other people in our lives. We can find love and comfort in friends. We can confide about our emotional struggles and find relational intimacy (great trust!) through familial and platonic bonds. Hugs, snuggling, other acts of physical affection are what humans need, and don’t need to be relegated to One Person Only. Plus... if we assume that our emotional struggles should be fulfilled by One Person Only... that puts enormous pressure on that partner to provide for everything. No one’s that strong. We need support networks, not one designated “save me” individual. It’s pure unhealthiness to mount burdens only on one person, and bottle yourself up otherwise. I often see this fallacy pop up when people start a new romantic relationship. You might barely know the person, and yet you’re trying to rely on them for everything, and you’re trying to be the person they’ll rely on for everything. You dive deep into the expectations before you really know how to handle it, and in the process become psychologically overwhelmed because of the Huge Responsibilities this role seems to entail. Being in a romance doesn’t automatically mean you’ve reached peak intimacy! Note: it’s not to say that romance can’t be a major avenue of security. Of course it’s a great way to fulfill intimacy, trust, physical needs, etc. Of course it can become a bond full of loyalty. But romance is actually like any other relationship... a familial relation can be weak or it can be strong, a platonic relation can be weak or it can be strong, and a romantic bond can be weak or it can be strong. The fallacy is that we are treating romance as *THE* way to fulfill all these diverse emotional problems, socking it onto one individual when it might be beyond their single load to bear, and then not seeking out help from the other sources that are around us.  

The belief that the only person you can live with is a romantic partner. Living with non-romantic roommates (aka living with friends) is seen as an undesirable inconvenience and something you only do temporarily because you financially have to. It’s seen as an immature youthful thing rather than something an established adult might do. Living with friends long-term out of chosen happiness is not something that crosses the mind of many people... it’s assumed you’ll either move out to live on your own, or marry and go and live with your partner.  

The belief that adulthood progresses through a very specific sequence of events. You go to school. You leave on your own. You marry. You get a house. You have kids. There’s a reason it’s common for family to nag you  “When are you going to get married? When are you going to get married?” Because clearly you haven’t made an important step of adulthood, an important step in life, unless you get married. I’ve noticed that for many of my friends, even those who are comfortable with the life choice to not get married... they express they don’t feel “as adult” as their married peers. And many people in society won’t treat them “as adult.”  

Harmful beliefs downplaying spousal abuse, like those people who try to argue “you can’t rape your wife / husband / spouse / girlfriend / boyfriend / significant enby / significant dumbass. That’s not what rape means.” Because a sexual-romance is the GOOD thing, right?  

AND MUCH MUCH MUCH MUCH MORE!!!

Some people of course have a better handle on their relationships than others. Some people are better at ignoring what society considers most important or most default. Some of what I’ve said above is when these beliefs are treated to their utmost, rather than what some people will do (lots of people have close “besties”, for instance). But amatonormativity+heteronormativity creeps in everywhere in society.

It’s the reason why, in most Hollywood movies, the protagonist is a man and the main actress is his romantic partner. It’s the reason why these two characters might start a steamy romance even before they know each other well; who needs to write ACTUAL understanding between the two characters when they obviously are going to fall in love and fuck?

It’s the reason why advertisements are so sex-oriented (reminder note: society usually doesn’t distinguish sexual and romantic bonds). Advertisements try to make their product appealing by associating it to romance, the Ultimate Desirable. Here’s how to make you look hot so you can attract someone in a romantic-sexual relationship, because THAT’S the ultimate goal of life, right?

It’s embedded in linguistic expressions. If someone asks if you’re dating, you respond, “No, she’s only a friend.” Or. “No. We’re just friends.” Friendship is being treated as lesser. Breakups are treated as inevitably bad even if you choose to be friends afterwards -- because clearly being friends is “taking a step back”, right? Even the word “break up” -- oooo that’s bad sounding! (There have been multiple times I’ve ended romantic relationships where I’ve turned the phraseology on the head and told them it’s a step forward to better, happier, healthier, stronger bonds... and they had to think it through, because amatonormative society forgets this can be the case.) “Friendzoning” is seen as a crime in part because you’re not going to be as intimate with someone as you want to be... despite the fact that having a non-romantic and/or non-sexual relationship with someone could be JUST as meaningful and deep!

I’ve FREQUENTLY seen church study groups that offer only these options: young adult small groups, women’s small groups, men’s small groups, and married couple’s small groups. Because clearly the only “mixed” gender situations out there are when you’re too young to be married, or you’re married.

And frankly, I think it’s one of the reasons why fandom likes to play hook-up with all the characters. Shipping is SO much fun! I love shipping! This is not a comment against the act of shipping! But if everyone needs a romantic partner to be happy...... mmmmm.... yeah let’s rethink what the underlying assumption is here. It’s that default assumption that “romance=happiness, romance=ultimate goal, romance=happily ever after, friendship=lesser.” If two characters in a show don’t canonically hook up, fans can get angry... even if the relationship showed on screen is one with a lot of trust, loyalty, happiness, and intimacy.

I am aroace. I don’t know how many other friends in the aro and/or ace community have talked about how lonely and unhappy they feel, because all their friends around them are looking for sex and romance and ergo don’t treat their friendship deep enough for my friends to get their emotional needs met. It’s easy to feel left out in a world where everyone is looking for romance, and ergo you are never the bond they want to pursue.

There are many ways in which we can achieve close bonds with people. This is why I think it’s important to talk about amatonormativity. Again, I’m SO happy when my friends are happy in a good romance. That’s a good thing!!! But it’s so psychologically destructive, whether you’re aro or allo, to live in a world where romance is considered The One And Only Key to relational happiness.  

Talking about amatonormativity has the goal of helping us be aware about how society idolizes romance and/or sex. The goal is to help everyone know we have many options by which to pursue good, deep bonds in a variety of ways. The goal is to make sure we don’t treat romance as the only acceptable way to live. The goal is finding ways for humans to get our needs fulfilled healthily and widespreadly. The goal is to be more comfortable with and more accepting of people who don’t follow The One Righteous Path Of Required Romance, so that we can all be more comfortable with ourselves and the relations around us -- including being comfortable with our romances!

[cat-sapphics]

Hey!

I follow the" aroace lesbian" tag and your recent posts have come up in my feed so I just wanted to say that being arospec, acespec (demiromatic graysexual, both labels in the aromantic and asexual spectrums) & lesbian is completely OKAY and you should not let anyone tell you the contrary. Especially uneducated people so 😚🤍

Many aroaces use the term aroace to encompass being in both aromantic and asexual spectrums; this means you experience little to no romantic/sexual attraction and that's more than valid. You can be both arospec and aspec! 🔥 Or arospec and asexual. Aromantic and acespec 🥺🤝

The way YOU experience romantic and sexual attraction is just different to the average allo person, & that doesn't make it any less valid. Attraction is an abstract concept and we shouldn't be putting ourselves into boxes but letting feelings be that, feelings.

Your experiences are necessary and important to our diverse & big aro/ace communities as an aroace lesbian! An aspec person is that who experiences little to no romantic attraction. That's it. THAT'S OKAY 🥰

And being an aspec lesbian is more than valid too, it's not a contradictory term because the little and fluctuating romantic & sexual attraction you DO experience, is ONLY towards women/nb so; I don't see why lesbian isn't a term you can't use. A lesbian is a women/nb female aligned person who experiences romantic, sexual and/or emotional attraction towards women/nb female aligned people. Check, check & check ✅

All in all, ace lesbians, aro lesbians and aroace lesbians are ALL part of the lesbian community & our unique experiences with romance and sex are necessary and valid for it 💓

Sorry if this got long, hope I made my point clear. Aroace lesbians have always been lesbians so don't let any exclusionists steal your peace 🧡🤍💖

thank you!! thank ya thank ya thank ya!! i really appreciate it <3

i will say, i think some of the anons i got did make some valid points (obviously not everywhere you look but they at least gave me something to think about in general) but it really took me by surprise how condescending and disapproving they all were. super uneducated too, i said i experience attraction differently or at least less frequently than average allo people and like ?? that doesn't mean i'm secretly a self-hating lesbophobe ?? you don't get to determine that for me if i'm genuinely happy even though i participate in lesbian discourse and am passionate about keeping the definition specific and closed ?? lol i didn't redefine lesbian or take away its initial meaning so it really had me peeved

i think most of their comments reflect on how they don't believe in aromanticism and asexuality being a spectrum, which i guess i invited by my own doing since i have some conservative and exclusionary views on the lgbt community and that affects my following/audience, but my response to that is that i use these labels because they bring me personal comfort. when i say i'm demiromantic i don't mean that alloromantics have zero standards when it comes to a potential partner or are completely mesmerized by the idea of hook-ups, just that the connection they need to start crushing comes within a decent time period with a personal connection, but not a super strong and deep and loving one that makes it exceptionally hard to fall in love despite however much we may desire to. the label doesn't exist to imply something bad about """normal""" people, it exists to name an experience many people have but to an intense degree. so, yes, it's a pointless social construct, it probably means nothing to you and that's fine, but it still means something to me. i'm not crying oppression or marginalization, and i'm not claiming that i'm lgbt on the basis of being demiromantic/greyasexual, but through being a nonbinary lesbian. that's the difference between mspec lesbians and aspec lesbians, is one is actively harmful to multiple groups and actually Does spawn from a place of internalized lesbophobia and/or biphobia, and the other is just "mmk this is just for me and affects nothing at all, it doesn't drag you into anything at all, i still qualify for lesbian the way you (should!) see it as technically even if you do believe it's redundant, so just... leave me alone" cause it reflects more on them than me when they make it their business by unfairly assuming things about me

same applies to me being greyasexual. still trying to figure out if it means that i experience sexual/physical attraction less frequently, less intensely, or both, but does that matter?? genuinely?? this is also redundant but i didn’t wanna leave it out of the paragraph about me being demiro fk;ljslkgbdvhbs. the aro disapproval part isn’t acceptable at all but i can at least see it since romance is so normalized and is a core part of, y’know, lgb relationships; the greyace disapproval however....... i don’t wanna label it as acephobia because i don’t really believe in aphobia being a thing, but it still kinda rubs me wrong to claim that sexual/physical attraction is a requirement ykyk... NOTHING WRONG WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE SEX OF COURSE (i myself kinda wanna try someday if that works out) i just think frowning upon someone who doesn’t UNLESS they try to claim they’re lgbt on that basis is.................. not really cool. i really hope people who read this understand what i’m trying to say and don’t label me as an ace inclus who thinks aphobia and oppression are real, i was just trying to make a point about my personal experiences oops lmao

and then it became "aroace means NO ATTRACTION AT ALL" okay... so i'm angled aroace, that's a sub-term since aroace is literally an umbrella term, actually (unlike lesbian, shit's complicated ykyk). "YOU'RE NOT AROACE THEN"....... they don't even like the idea of oriented aroace now either, so like, what then, are aroace people just never allowed to feel love or positive feelings from other people ever? jesus christ. i'm not even getting into this, i consider aro/ace identities to be secondary to describe one's attraction so this debate should not be as important as, say, discourse centering the L, G, B, or T. it's just dumb all around tbh

hope i addressed all the arguments against it, but i can't really care at this point if i missed something :/ i'll probably get a mean anon about it so don't worry!! /s jslgjgjkshkj;lhfp

speaking of, i've had to delete so many anons and even turn off the option to ask anonymously because of this discourse. it's so pointless in my opinion, so i've just stopped giving them my time unless i think it's worth answering - but even then, i try to keep it fairly short. i genuinely was not expecting my take on (cishet) ace discourse to turn into myself failing to be seen as a "real lesbian" despite literally meeting its definitive qualifications and then it just kept building up ?? stan behavior tbh, especially since plenty of them obviously come from the same users

i apologize for the rant. i just never really felt like i'd be listened to if i tried to explain my identity, so i gave up and just tried to ignore my way out of it. so i really genuinely appreciate your ask, especially since i can identify you. it really feels like i actually have someone on my side now, so even if you ever disagree i'd know you wouldn't harass me about it. it really means a lot, i really needed this from you and i don't wanna dump more shit but i feel that you deserve to know. so thank you again <3

[skeletalroses]

I was going to submit this anonymously to one of the bigger aspec blogs but it got so long that I’d feel like a pain in the ass. I’m posting this because I’ve recently landed in a bit of a difficult situation in the vein of Just Aroace Things, and I’m not sure what to do or even how to feel. I’m hoping to get some advice from the community re: a topic that comes up from time to time---navigating roommate/housing situations as an aroace, particularly when your potential roommate’s romance fucks you over.

I met my best friend, A, our sophomore year of college when we got paired up via roommate lottery. We clicked right away and had a blast living together. Unfortunately it only lasted a year, since the best option for my major was to transfer to another campus while for her it was best to stay put. We’ve known each other for nine years now and live in different states, but we visit regularly and had always talked about living together again once we both moved away from our parents.

I’m aroace, sex- and romance-repulsed. A is super considerate and supportive of this. She even discovered recently that she’s demisexual (which she learned about while researching the symbolism of the asexual flag! On her own, completely unprompted! Because she thought it would help her understand me more! See? Super supportive!). She is, however, very, very alloromantic. Up until now this has just been one more facet of our overall odd-couple dynamic (I’m an Addams and she’s a Disney fairy), which has always been something we’ve laughed at and reveled in.

A couple months ago, however, A moved out of her parents’ place and in with her boyfriend of a few years. I’m still with my parents, which suits me fine for the time being, but I eventually want to move out. Like I said, A and I have long talked about living together. We never made any specific plans, but I’ve asked her before to verify that yes, this is a thing we’re both Actually down to do when the time’s right. But that was a good while ago, before she moved in with Boyfriend. We visited last weekend and I brought up the subject again, because I’ve been unsure about it since that whole development.

“Feel free to say no; I won’t be offended; I just want to know how my options stand at this point. We’ve talked in the past about rooming together again. With Boyfriend in the picture now, is that still on the table?”

A’s answer: “Boyfriend has a lot of anxiety, so probably not. Sorry. He doesn’t even like having his family stay over. You’re welcome to stay a few days but not for like weeks on end.”

This was a calm conversation had over cocktails in the mall. She asked to make sure my parents weren’t threatening to kick me out or anything; I assured her that they weren’t, and I wasn’t moving anytime soon, and it’s okay that my rooming with her is out.

Only I’m not that okay with it. I wasn’t confident she’d say yes, but I did kind of think it was likely, and moreover I’m realizing how much I was unconsciously banking on that plan. I’ve been sans income during the pandemic, and I have a fuckton of economic anxiety to begin with. A’s a STEM major in a big city who easily found a solidly-paying job right out of college. She gets promotions and raises and shit. I’m a humanities major in the middle of Bumfuck, Nowhere where all my impressive qualifications (which I do have) can’t get me anything with a living wage below management level, let alone something in my field. And I’m never going to have that built-in cohabitant in the form of a romantic or sexual partner that allos like A can take for granted. A was the person I could split costs with so as to maybe live semi-decently with someone compatible. Without her, my chances of having that have plummeted.

And it’s all because she got a romosexual partner. This guy who’s known her half as long as I have; who never worked her through the trials and eventual breakup of her previous long-term, engaged-to-be-engaged relationship; who has himself caused her massive amounts of grief, suffering, and sometimes outright danger through his inability to competently handle the drama in his personal life that should never have touched her, all while her mother would write letters to me asking me to come visit because, actual quote, A only smiles when I’m around. He was the reason she would be too depressed to function, and I had to long-distance therapize her through it even though she refused to take the basic step of leaving this grown-ass man at least until he got his shit together, because “he needs me.”

It’s like this dude calls the shots in A’s and my relationship now. I hadn’t seen her in seven months because every time we planned a weekend to hang out, it’d get canceled because Boyfriend wanted to go see his family or something (and he can’t do that without her, I fucking guess). Even this last visit got cut down to overnight when it was supposed to be the long weekend, because Boyfriend wanted to make other plans. And now my best option for future living arrangements is apparently down the shitter because of him. It’d have been one thing if A doesn’t want to live with me anymore because she and he need their allo space or whatever the fuck couples do (still amatonormative and lousy for me). But as far as I understand, it’s not even that. It’s not her. It’s Boyfriend. A and I can be planning something for the two of us for weeks, for months, for years, then it all goes away in a minute because ehh, it kinda cramps Boyfriend’s style. I’m, as A called me, her “best friend soulmate.” I Was Here First. I never fucking made her cry. But I can’t kiss her or fuck her, so I automatically take a backseat to the one who can. I don’t need to be her Number One, but I don’t appreciate being pushed aside at Boyfriend’s every whim.

A, I’m sure, doesn’t realize how it looks from my angle. I know she cares about me and doesn’t want me to feel devalued. She’s just an oblivious alloro. I’m not even sure Boyfriend’s intentionally hogging her. (To be clear, I don’t think he’s a bad person; I’ve only met him a handful of times but I reliably clock my friends’ truly shitty partners on less. I haven’t heard about any crises in the past year or so, so I guess he’s finally managing his baggage well enough that A’s life can go smoothly and not suck.) I’m not unsympathetic to anxiety either; I’m chronically mentally ill and I’ve had my share. And I get we’re little more than strangers at this point. But I hate that he can just singlehandedly veto me and A rooming together ever. It’s much more of a blow to my likely quality of life than he or A---or tbh even I did, before this point---realize.

I hate feeling like I’m being jealous and needy. Maybe A just genuinely likes him better and it’s not only an amatonormative thing. I know I’m not entitled to live with her; it’s not like we promised or anything. But the option getting shut down really made me realize how much I resent not having it, and how much I kind of resent Boyfriend in general.

Which brings me to the asking-for-advice part, to the maybe two people who’ve read this far. Aspecs on here have talked about how amatonormativity fucks over single people and especially aros in terms of housing and life in general. Has anyone dealt with a situation like mine? How do you manage the amatonormative behavior of people in your life snatching your prospects out from under you, or feeling like it has? Is my reaction even reasonable? If so, how should I bring it up to A? This would be the closest thing we’ve ever had to a conflict, and also I’m...not great at being vulnerable. I can’t even vagueblog about these topics because my social media presence is limited to Tumblr and hers to Facebook. Hell, maybe I should just forget it for now, since I’m not changing housing anytime soon anyway, and cross that bridge when I get to it. I wouldn’t ask her to leave him, since their relationship seems to be going a lot smoother than it had been. But goddamn, am I filled with aroace salt about this.