#learn to love without consuming
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the-lunar-system · 2 years ago
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Sometimes you actually listen to a whole album youve heard songs from before and it completely rewires your brain
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peachcott · 1 year ago
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really normal about this guy. i definitely think about other things sometimes 👍
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rubberduckyrye · 3 months ago
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You guys ever think about the tragedy that is Junko Enoshima? That she wasn't a sadistic girl seeking out to hurt others for sadistic glee?
Because everything Junko did was her trying to emotionally abuse herself? That she wanting to feel something so badly that she hurt the people she loved most, and even brought about ruin to the world, simply to destroy herself with it?
#junko enoshima#danganronpa#me prior to working on Twins AU: Junko is a poor villain character with little to her aside from sadism#me after actually working hard on Twins AU: .... Wait#the moment I saw something there my brain latched onto it tbh#Like this girl was so miserable with life due to boredom that she#actively#Chose to hurt herself emotionally and mentally#to the point of self destruction#because she literally had nothing else in her life she could enjoy#I think she easily felt love and joy but they had thick layers of boredom to the#them*#And that made them hard to actually enjoy#But despair is an overbearing feeling that consumes you#grief consumes you without fail#And because she learned how strongly she hated herself upon bringing harm to those she loved and all that#The pain so encompassing and engulfing with no boredom to muddy it#The feeling became addicting to her#So she grew more and more extreme with her abuse and self destruction#Until she decided to bring about the destruction of the world#Which if we follow the logic#Kinda weird of Junko who is chasing despair like a drug for her to like#want to destroy the entire world#if she harbored no affection for it#If in her selfish chase for the biggest pain she could feel in her life#if she hated the world why chase the end of it? That would be easy. That would be what she wants. And that's boring.#But if a part of Junko genuinely loved the world she lived in? Destroying it would bring about an unfathomable despair for her#Anyway that is to say Junko is an awful abuser and awful person#But this situation is similar to how I see Kenzo#''If only things were different so you wouldn't have become the monster you are now'' Kind of Tragedy
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radioproto · 7 months ago
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Man who IS this guy. He’s taking over my brain…
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bunnihearted · 5 months ago
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i've also realized that there is no therapy that can fix what's broken inside of me
#therapy wont give me a place to belong. a person to call my home.#therapy where i sit and talk about how all i want is to love and be loved and i'll never feel whole without it wont solve anything#guess i just need to study and get an education for a job that i think i could be capable of#and then distract myself with books and shows and nature#the problem is that loneliness permeates my every cell and my every moment and being#im losing interest in humanity and society#literature is barely even interesting to me anymore bc i feel so fkn far away from humanity#and what makes u human.. that i cant connect with any of what i try to consume#i just... dont care. music doesnt even do anything for me anymore#i feel so numb in one way#but also i often feel like im panicking. how is this possible? how did i end up here?#im like actually fading away from this earth and it sometimes feels like#it wont even matter if i do#what is trying to take ahold of me and stop me from fading....?#idec anymore. even if i do get a job and an apartment i'll still be empty bc all i want is. smth i can never have? is that really how it is#i dont even require that much#that is what is so .. terrible almost#i just want one connection that is special to us both. smth close smth deep smth that i can pour everything into#i look around and almost everyone have more than one person even by them.... what did i do wrong?#i must've done smth very very wrong from the start to even end up here#it doesnt matter. i fade and i fade and i fade... i think i will keep doing so#because no matter how much other ppl - ppl who themselves have love and closeness in their lives. who have friends and partners and family.#no matter how much they parrot empty lines of 'learn how to be alone!!' 'life can be whole and fulfilled even alone' ..#i dont want that. i really dont. deep in my soul i do not want that#so their words are completely... condescending even. yes i CAN do all of that. i mean fuck#i am surviving feeling alone more than most of them are since they have ppl around them lmao#but i just dont want it. i am a person meant for a deep connection... i dont even need it with multiple people#without that i feel like i am dying and nothing else matters#besides i know it's possible bc i have felt that with a person at this time of my life#so i know that it's not smth distant or unachievable... it does exist and i want it bc it's the only thing that made me
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wormy-worm · 7 months ago
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ok u know what maybe if the world isn't ready for sunrazer post that means that the world IS ready for Amoveous siblings post. This is Milo and Enho and theyre my DARLINGS and i love them SO MUCH. i have. SOOOOOOOO many thoughts abt them but after the previous post massacre i do not really feel like typing all of that xoxo love <3
#THESE DRAWINGS HAVE BEEN SITTING IN MY DRAFTS FOR MONTHS LOL#meart#original character#robot oc#ily enho ily milo my darlings my angels my loves my funny robot guys.#ive posted abt Andromeda on here b4 if u remember her Enho is her best friend !!!!!#Enhos a battle robot who doesnt want 2 fight people..#hes the oldest sibling and theres a lot resting on their shoulders!#shes supposed to be this big metal protector but U.U she just wants to hide in his room.. and make music for the internet..#him and andy have this whole arc abt like. autonomy and identity and junk#being as andy is a government experiment who was raised to be a superhero who. has not yet realized that she HATES being a superhero lol#Enho inspires her!#milo um. does his own thing. he was the second amoveous bot and he is lucky to have been built without the responsibility of a battle bot#which means hes a LOT weaker. doesnt have a million weapons and lasers and such like enho does. no one expects much of him. he HATES IT!!!!#he wants to be POWERFUL! he wants to HURT PEOPLE!! he wants to be USEFUL!!! hes ANGRY ALL THE TIME#its EXSAUSTING.#yk that tinkerbell thing thats like. cuz shes so small she can only feel one emotion at once. and its so big it consumes her entirely?#hes that. he lives entirely in extremes. everything is 100% for him#he jumps to conclusions so quick and so violently.. hes incredibly impulsive and it gets him into a lot of trouble.#hes also a total NERD!!! GOOB!!! says mlady unironically. likes bad computer games. wears a stupid tie everyday. cartoonishly schemes 24/7#enho for the record is also a pretty angry person. they just dont rlly express it. they dont express much of anything lol.#shes semiverbal on a talkative day. he can be REALLY REALLY PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE THO. THAT MF CAN BE SO PETTY. GOOFY ASS#but shes TERRIFIED she'll lose control of her emotions and her body and that shell hurt someone someday. absolutely terrified.#enho is as afraid of his strength as milo is of his weakness. theyre both two ends of the same extremes in a lot of ways.#polar opposites and yet exactly the same. they resent each other a lot. they need to learn to meet each other in the middle.#anyway ''i dont feel like typing all that'' and then i ramble in the tags for ten million years lol ToT I LOVE THESE GUYS#theyre my oldest ocs in this universe and i have so many thoughts if you have any questions feel free to ask me lol
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therealnotta · 1 year ago
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Yeah you know what? Y'all get this speech too, William Afton is scarier when he's humanized than when he's a yellow bunny joker man, entire deal under the cut bc it's fnaf, there's child murder galore so beware
Like, I remember back when we first realized he had a family, and I remember how mad people got when I said that he clearly didn't want his kids to get hurt. Saying he loved them would be extrapolating, but he actively took actions to prevent them from getting injured. We definitively see this with him insisting that Elizabeth stay away from the animatronics, and if you think plushbear is a nanny cam then he seemed to be trying to help Evan, too.
And like, yeah, you could argue any number of motivations. Maybe he was telling Elizabeth all that because he was trying for reverse psychology. Maybe, even if it is a nanny cam, he was just trying to manipulate his son. But he still did things that could feasibly protect his kids, and he could've killed them easily. They lived with him. His targets were kids where he worked, it's not like he couldn't have just brought his kids with him and said that they went missing, too. And they wouldn't even have to be lured; they'd just follow their dad. So I'd argue that he cared enough about them not to use them for his evil experiments.
And if he doesn't start killing until after 83, then you could argue that he started killing because he was trying to find a way to resurrect his own son. If Plushbear is a nanny cam, then that's William at the end, vowing to "put you back together," more likely than not.
And that's scarier to me. Someone murdering kids for fun? As a villain, it's cartoonishly evil. I don't care about this villain, his purpose is exclusively to be The Bad Guy, I don't have to think at all. A parent trying to bring their kid back to life, losing everything in the process? Losing their sense of morality, losing their other kids, their friends, their job, their very name, and in the end their dead kid hates them? Heck, he keeps his dead kid's favorite stuffed animal on his desk, that's even harder to explain as being just another evil thing. It seems to me like he's a grieving parent who completely snapped. Now it's a tragedy, but not necessarily scarier.
What makes it scarier is the way he's described in the books that, presumably, is something that carries over to the games. He's charismatic, he's "like Santa." Everyone loves him. All the children love him. He's great with kids. In the games, the one time we see him alive is when he's selling killer robots to a company. They realize that it's killer robots, and he convinces them to buy anyway. He's clearly still charismatic.
He's not scary because he's killing innocents, he's scary because these kids would've known him. Charlie didn't run when he pulled up beside her, out in the rain, because he was a family friend. He's scary because that's exactly what happens in real life. I don't have to worry about the Joker running over and blowing up a hospital, but I do have to worry about William Afton, your dad's old college buddy that everyone loves, deciding that what he wants is more important than your life. The family friend whose word everyone would believe over yours is a much scarier villain than the creepy dude in the woods, because it's a real threat.
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frogathy · 1 year ago
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childhood was spent thinking i’d go to hell and men would not love me if i swore so now to heal from that i am swearing as much as i fucking can until i come to my own fucking conclusion about how i feel regarding the usage of such crude vocabulary
#it needs to be my own decision and understanding that i do not want to swear#not because other people Told Me it’s not ladylike or im going to go to hell if i do it#if i end up deciding hey you know what i really dont like swearing then Boom i actually have a reason other than guilt and shame#because i will have been able to feel something Other than guilt and shame when swearing. if that makes sense#like instead of being consumed by guilt and shame every time i swear or think about swearing#i am able to come to it without bias and understand for myself (without guilt and shame) why it is wrong or harmful#(or rather IF it is wrong or harmful. ive not comr to my conclusion yet but you can see i still have preconceived notions about it)#and who knows maybe men wont love me after all and i will be unloved by God if i swear#then so be it because ive never known a single thing in my life without someone else telling me#i just want to figure it out and understand for myself without someone holding my hand because im too stupid to come to my own conclusion#my parents put me in a classical school so i could learn to think critically but then have removed every chance for me to think critically#because they are afraid i will make the wrong decision (even though supposedly i have learned critical thinking™)#and they didnt do that intentionally of course. and this sounds resentful but i truly dont mean it that way#i LOVE my parents and the fact that they wanted to put money into giving us good education rather than just nice possessions#they have wonderful hearts and the best of intentions. but no parent is perfect and every single one will affect their kids in some way#whether they meant to or not. or maybe they did something with good intention without realizing the harmful outcome#every day i realize that individuation is an actual thing and its not just a montage in a disney movie#froegis meep tag
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bee-ina-boat · 1 year ago
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idk if this is an autistic thing or whatever but oh my god why is writing so HARd? like, im afraid of constantly implying things other than what they mean
"does this sound like im demonizing mental illness?"
"what if this makes it seem like i think the answer to struggling with mental health is suicide?"
"what if this relationship comes off as toxic,"
"does this seem like x character is trying to fix y? what if it reads like x is being manipulated to try and help y?"
"did i accidentally give x a savior complex?"
"does y come off as an abuser just because they did bad things out of desperation? what if giving y a happy ending ends up feeling like abuser sympathizing?"
"how do i make y's character arc without it feeling like they suddenly realized something obvious and were fixed magically"
writing is hard
#ok context#y is being consumed by a godlike power that is overwhelming their mind to the point they have trouble controlling it#its like being stuck in perpetual overstimulation with frequent meltdowns and since they have god powers that can cause alot of damage#x was friends with y but then shit happens and x decides they want y to go away but y doesnt know how to handle that and instead lashes out#blah blah blah they seperate and plot happens#everyone just thinks y is a brat throwing tantrums for not getting what they want but then x realizes the truth thru some magic shit#more plot#x ends up saving y from losing themselves in the confusing hellscape of their mind#x wants to help y heal but thats hard because no one can fix y's mind they just have to work through it. the end#originally the ending was gonna be x takes away all of y's pain and then y decides they want to reincarnate to get another chance at a life#buut 1. that may be a bad message and 2. i dont want to get rid of this character because i love them and i want them to have a healing arc#but i also dont want it to seem like x has a savior complex and is gonna magically fix y#and also y literally had a bad codependency with x before their friendship got ruined and i feel like this would be bad too?#so i THINK im gonna go for an outcome where x does what they can but still keeps boundaries and encorages y to help themselves more#and y will make more friends and learn how to exist without being in mental anguish all the time#idk maybe some other characters will help and come up with a solution so y doesnt have to deal with chaos in their brain all the time#but anyway do yall UNDERSTAND???#I FEEL LIKE IM OVERCOMPENSATING AND NOT COMPENSATING ENOUGH AT THE SAME TIME#HOW DO I WRITE NATURALLY AND NOT BE AFRAID OF MISCOMUNICATION#FUCK#.txt#autism#actuallyautistic
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thedeafprophet · 2 years ago
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thinkin on these lyrics from thus always to the tyrants by the oh hellos
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bsaka7 · 2 years ago
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the thing is i am SO BAD AT ARABIC but I love my arabic lessons even if they are at 6am and extremely sporadic due to my terrible scheduling... I will learn I will keep learning!!!
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witch-queen-of-lesbos · 2 years ago
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Today I learned that there's a limit to the number of notes you can put in a post.
hm actually i made a joke poll like this a while back but now im genuinely curious
#I'm honestly not sure. There's a good chance I'd continue to want to be a historian and teacher like I'm studying to become#but I also love writing so maybe I'd want to stick to doing that full time and writing books and stories#maybe I'd want to be a librarian#or even start a cafe#or a library cafe#maybe I'd become a philosopher#who fucking knows!#The whole point is that everyone's needs will be met you can pursue your passions and contribute according to their abiloty to do so#I think I'd take up some intellectual work#Become a scholar#History and Philosophy and Gender/sexuality Studies and whatever else picked my interest#Consume and produce knowledge#And throw myself into learning literature and writing books#I think some people forget that entertainment would still exist in the leftist commune#movies books video games etc wouldnt stop being made#But rather people would work on them for passion rather than profit#Idk Im just rambling at this point#but like I feel like people underestimate how much capitalism warps their way of thinking#like the very idea of the post feels like “oh if you could do art and hobbies in ur free time what would you do as ACTUAL work”#which is such abhorrent mentality that I feel is cultivated by capitalist culture#these things CAN be what you make your life's work and dedicate yourself to#But without the constraints of capitalism#without worrying about whether becoming a writer will mean not being able to afford rent#without the capitalist social stigma around productivity#ALL trades would be important and seen as valuable as they really are#Like the line between “work” and “hobby” would be very muddied#because we see lots of things that dont generate profit in capitalism but are still valuable work as “hobbies” and give them no social valu#I saw a lot of notes in the post like “oh Id WANT to do this” but maybe I should do something actually useful like farming#which is NOT how I think we should be looking at this! its a world of possibilities and EVERYTHING you do is useful and good for society#even if not productive by capitalist standards or doesnt produce an actual physical thing
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gay-caesar-truther · 2 months ago
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Thinking about Gabes shitty mental health and his feelings about himself and his dad again *chewing on the bars of my enclosure*
Cw: Mentions of suicidal ideation and general shitty mental health stuff that I have no idea how to categorise
Gabe is convinced HE'S the reason his dad left vault 101, and sacrificed himself to protect Project Purity from the Enclave. That it was his father finally being sick of him, wanting to get away from his filthly, unfixable, blood-soaked killer of a son, and just needing an excuse.
Like OUUUGH Gabes low self esteem, abandonment issues and like his borderline obsessive want to be The Perfect Son are all mixing together in a horrible cocktail to make a dude who wonders around the wasteland wanting to die and beating himself up over things that are not his fault or arent true at all - but he won't kill himself because religious doctrine tells him he won't get into Heaven if he does and the one thing he wants is to go to Heaven so he can try to be a good son this time.
Nothing he does is for Him- it's all to try and make his father proud of him (James already is, Gabe just doesn't recognise it) or chasing some nebulous concept of Being Good (He's already Good but, again, doesn't see it). Not matter what he gives- possessions, food, money, pieces of himself Gabe will never be satisfied, and will never be convinced he's done enough.
He's put his father on some sort of pedestal in his mind, and is convinced himself that he'll never live up to that image. That he's not given enough, not suffered enough, not martyred himself enough to be as Good as his father was, and his life isn't worth living if he couldn't save this one person he had in his life, and a man who was capable of doing so much more Good than he will ever do.
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neverendingford · 2 months ago
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#tag talk#playing Polybridge 3 and I'm just reminded that I'm just genuinely not that creative or visionary#my whole life is been inundated with arts and science and I've been pushed to create and I'm just not that creative#I watch genius minecraft builds and cool dwarf fortress sagas and amazing bridge designs and I realize I am not like that.#I appreciate the art and creativity of others but I genuinely just cannot do that myself.#I recently sold my electric piano because I've realized that as much as I love listening to music? I just don't have the drive to create it#I love reading books but I don't have the drive to write stories myself.#I love looking at art but I just don't have the spark that makes me need to create it#and this sentiment gets perceived by others as me being hard on myself. like a self deprecating “oo I'm not good enough to make art”#and it's annoying because I'm not being emotional and sad about it. I'm simply taking stock of the fact that I do not have the drive for it#and that's fine. I grew up in a artistic family and I enjoy being able to appreciate art#but a big part of growing up has been learning to let go of the pressure to perform. the pressure to create and be an artistic individual#and just allowing myself to appreciate the beauty that others bring into the world without feeling the need to compare myself to it#everything I wrote as a kid was just blatant knockoffs of other stories I had read. songs I whistle are songs someone else wrote#and that's fine. that's okay. I don't need to create to enjoy life. I don't need to produce in order to be alive.#I am allowed to be content consuming the art that others have made.#and sure. every once in a while I make something. I'll paint or sketch or write a poem or make a new minecraft build or something#but I'm really just working on being okay with doing nothing for a while.#I used to be such a pressured hyperactive kid and I feel like my character arc is just me learning to chill the fuck out#learning to relax and do nothing and be okay with it.#I just don't have that drive. I'm not a visionary. I'm not a leader. not a creative soul. I'm not destined for great things#and that's okay. that's fine. that's normal. and I'm allowed to be normal.#after a whole childhood of being pressured to be better than everyone else. of being driven by others to perform to their expectations#I can finally sit down and breathe and still the churning in my stomach and slow down and just allow myself to chill out#and I'm happier like this.
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bunnihearted · 4 months ago
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🦈2
#even tho it was so hard for me. ofc when u can only communicate via the internet so much is lost i think... sm extra things u need to be#more secure kinda? like physical presence does a lot on its own#but yeah.. ok i actually wrote more but u can only have 30tags per post and safari on ur phone does not tell u when it's stopping so half o#what i wrote just disappeared ._. i cant rmbr what i said... and i mean this is just for myself to vent but grr im so annoyed#yeah just that he was sm more patient than i realized. i just was in the start of learning how to live w my avpd#i wasnt able to do a lot. even if i wanted to. he helped me sm to uncover things in myself to start that thing within me#i just desperately wish i had found him earlier and that i've been this far along in my anti avpd limitation abilities.... truly wish that#so im trying to accept it and just think bc i dont have a choice :') i've never wanted anyone like this and that just is how it is#i will always love him simply bc he is who he is#he's so so cool and amazing to me in so so many ways. and i always loved just how he talks and communicates bc it resonates w me#and there are simply sm details i just adore. but yeah... i probably shouldnt think abt that? i feel like.. it isnt my place to think abt i#but it is what it is but it hurts so incredibly much. will i ever be able to let go of him? the love i couldve experienced? the wonderful#person i couldve been with? will i be able to stop thinking abt all his great qualities and how much i wish he was mine? and all the things#wanna do and talk abt with him? he's just.. he just is .. i cant describe it. it feels like more than just earthly love...#maybe i sound insane or too intense or dramatic or smth but.. it feels so much larger than everything#so i struggle sm with letting go bc i want to touch him and i want to love him and i just want to be with him and experience everything w h#but that isnt my place. i know... why.. have i only ever felt like this w him... what do i do with this?? am i crazy? am i going insane? is#there smth wrong with me?#he is worthy of everything and he is so so wonderful but is there smth wrong w me for being so..#for having love that actually truly is all consuming? what is this... it's scary. esp when i cant unleash it. it's like a wild beast i have#to learn how to tame. and i want to be able to find mutual love too. but i cant force anything. will the universe grant me that?#i cant imagine myself ever being able of letting go of him but if that is what the universe has planned then..#ok im actually starting to sound intense and weird and idk O.O i think i think too much#.. it hurts that i wont get to do all of the things and talk abt all the things i wanna do w him. i'll never get to hug him...#if i could ask for only one thing it'd be one hug from him....#maybe is ound crazy but with all my disorders and feeling disconnected from the world.. and finding someone that makes me feel tethered#and safe and real.. and having to let go bc it just wasnt meant for me... why is the universe so cruel.#in the end i care abt him so much i just want him to be loved. i want him to finally feel loved.#someone else.. someone else without avpd can do that for him. i want him to be oh so so loved and .. yeah.. :(#i wish i couldve loved him as he deserves but .. its not my place. not my place... all i want is to hear his voice and live in his arms
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fordtato · 4 months ago
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Ford's arc in the Book of Bill is literally how he overcame the trauma of the abusive ex-partner who ruined his life, and how Ford learned to not be consumed by that fear through the help of his family and IF I NEED TO BE THE ONLY ONE WRITING TUMBLR THINKPIECES ON IT, I'LL DO IT, BUT WHY AREN'T MORE PEOPLE TALKING ABOUT THIS?!?!?!?!?!
Bill literally lays out how he preyed on Ford's insecurities and his quirks, how he saw Ford as the perfect candidate for Bill to take full advantage of, and how Bill purposefully did what he could to convince Ford that NO ONE ELSE WOULD LOVE HIM if he got rid of Bill, that he was nothing without him.
And it's the story of how Ford overcame, how Ford shot Bill with a shotgun and spat on the ground where he stood, how Ford does everything he can to warn the reader before realizing that Bill is not an all-powerful being to be feared, but a sad pathetic man. Bill is charismatic, but he's not a god. He's just someone Ford can leave behind.
It's not even subtext, it's text. It's a story told with queer undertones, with the language of abuse built in. AND NO ONE IS TALKING ABOUT THIS?
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