#kosher jokes

[livelovecaliforniadreams]

[t00thpasteface]

MY ROOMMATE DOESN'T THINK I'M WEIRD!!!!!

[totally-not-peter-parker]

strogan this beef till I off in this kitchen

[unopenablebox]

also. what would authors even do if they couldn't have jewish characters alert other characters about how they don't eat pork

[eddieheart]

Levi: “No thanks I only eat kosher..”

Nico: “last week I saw you eating a sausage bacon pizza”

Levi: “…on the high holidays.”

[shame-kink]

i’ll like 90% sure the opposite of craving something in particular also exists and is equally indicative of some sort of dietary state as its cousin the humble craving

[steddieas-shegoes]

Oh no now I have to fight Joseph Quinn I’m so sorry everyone Eddie really IS gonna be dead for the next season

[torahtot]

please stop posting takes

[fogonsunday]

as a disabled person with countless dietary restrictions i have found immense solace in my jewish friends’ households, particularly during passover. for once i’m not surrounded by questions of “but why can’t you eat that”? and instead i’m asked “what could be a good alternative?”

[johnnydany]

I Have More Than Four Questions Funny Passover Seder T-Shirt

Get yours now: https://www.teepublic.com/t-shirt/42508897-i-have-more-than-four-questions-funny-passover-sed

[dapper-lil-arts]

Latest chapter, "the river of fireflies" is now live! And it totaly doesnt have more gay sex on it. I prommy. Unless...?

THAT'S RIGHT BABEY I'M WRITING A FIC OF SHREK 1 BUT IT'S RARIJACK LETS GOOOO And it's gloriously dumb. I love it.

[giraffeonstrike]

Catfish, livers, and "fries" (latkes) acquired. I was given advanced notice because they wanted *me* to make it. Frying catfish and livers outside so it doesn't make the entire house fishy or liver-y, and my wife asks me:

"Is catfish kosher?"

No, but neither am I so it's fine?

"Is kangaroo kosher?"

Um...no?

"You know what IS kosher though? GIRAFFE MEAT."

I will not repeat the joke I made about her putting giraffe meat in her mouth, it was not kosher. Thank you and goodnight...

[silly-jewish-vents]

Jumblr ask game:

🐷 Do you keep kosher?

🎂 Do you celebrate your hebrew, your enlgish or both birthdays?

🎉 Favorite chag (Jewish holiday)?

🐈 Favorite pet?

🐢 Do you do Tashlich and if so arae you a first day or last day type of person

🤬 have you ever gotten hate mail before and if so do you have a really fun hate ask you'd like to share to be mocked?

👿 Do you have horns? what about a tail? (i.e. what's your favorite purim costume)

📕 Whats your favorite Jewish book to study?

🥔 What is your shameful classic Jewish food confession?

🪿 Favorite funny Jewish joke?

👁️ favorite Jewish symbol

Send an emoji for an ask with Silly Jewish Ask Game to play

[fromgoy2joy]

I love being visibly Jewish.

I love laughing in a crowd with other visibly Jewish people, about some sort of Kosher joke no one around us can understand.

I love coming home from Shabbat dinner at a rabbi’s house on public transport, hearing my friends rant about the halachic debate we’ve been mulling over since breaking the challah

I love chatting to my professor during office hours, fiddling with my Magen David as I bring up a philosophical point I need to write up in my essay. That to this person in my life, I’m his Jewish student and that’s just a fact.

I love walking around wearing Hebrew across my chest, or the names of Jewish organizations in bold. Anything from Hillel to human rights pursuits to a stupid little tagline.

Even when it’s not safe, even when I have to hide my Magen David or leave situations, I hold that joy on my heart. For people seeing me as I know I am- Jewish

[ivystoryweaver]

Take Me Out to the Ballgame - Marc Spector

Marc Spector + Tailgate + Grabbing by the hips

Fall Fluff Masterlist | Marc Masterlist | Main Masterlist

PSA: I have never been to Chicago. More of a Boston girl for travel and I live in the south. So we all have to use our imaginations here. Go Braves and Go Red Sox and don't hit me.

Word count: 386 || for @i-still-dont-like-your-face (I added a prompt, hope it's ok)

It started with that old red truck.

Sunday morning trips to the hardware store.

Midnight picnics under the stars.

But tailgating? It seemed so...social, for Marc.

Sure, you had friends. Life in the midwestern United States was altogether different from London. But it had seemed important to Marc, to come back. To try.

He needed you to know this part of him.

So, a house meant a neighborhood. Which meant neighbors, who eventually became friends.

The first time Marc took you to a Cubs game was pure magic. Wrigley Field may as well have been his own personal Disneyland. His transformation into a bright-eyed child, with every pipe organ tune or crack of the bat, made your heart swell with love.

Marc was quite good on the grill and his kosher pre-game cuisine was becoming popular amongst friends and neighbors.

You would hang back and watch him sometimes, humming to himself. He still maintained a private bubble, even in a crowd, but when he hummed, you knew he was comfortable.

A life out of the service of an ancient deity was a good look on him.

“Sweetheart, can you watch the grill for me? I gotta get something out of the truck.”

You smile playfully, taking the spatula from his hand. “Mr. Spector, you trust me to man your meat?”

‘You know it.” He winks, swatting your backside. Yanking his Cubs cap off his head, he plops it on yours playfully, raking his hand through his messy curls. “Hold that for me.”

You pick up on the tune he started, humming to yourself as you flip the burgers.

After a few minutes, you feel strong hands grab your hips from behind, squeezing possessively. “Hey baby,” he breathes on your ear.

“Mmm, hey.” You turn your head to meet an incoming kiss which he indulges in a moment too long for a neighborly gathering. “Want your hat back?”

“Nope, looks better on you. I’ll take the spatula though before you burn everything.”

“I did no such thing,” you pout, but you can see he’s teasing.

“Hey, Spector, you two grilling or you need some time alone?” Your neighbor Glen teases.

Passing him the spatula, Marc playfully grabs your hips again. “Definitely time alone. We’ll be in the truck,” he jokes, pressing a kiss to your giggling lips.

Fall Fluff Masterlist | Marc Masterlist | Main Masterlist

[us-the-voices-and-more-voices-2]

as someone who's had alot of shellfish basically it's this part of the meat texture and taste wise?

just more fishy and like the ocean, personally I prefer just the fatty parts of the meat more than like non-kosher fish.

though there is vegan recipes for making kosher shellfish.

tbh oyster mushrooms literally are the exact same texture, not the taste though. but you can probably wrap them in salmon skin or cook in fish stock or something and it'd taste way closer.

but idk :P

people who describe converts as "Jews by choice" are so funny to me. There was no choice. You didn't choose this. Ever since your soul was on mount sinai, you were as forced into this as any of us. The only difference between my Judaism and yours is that you had a period of non Judaism, Jelly btw, did you ever get to eat lobster? what was that like?