#kind of wish I took a pictures of the process; it came a long way in the hour or so it took to make lol~

[captainhysunstuff]

Sassy murder pose~.

[kokusfluffyhair]

Tsukasa Shishio x f!Reader | WC: 1692 | 18+ only! MDNI!

Summary: After missing Tsukasa's birthday, you decide to come by his flat unannounced with a special surprise in mind.

You missed Tsukasa's birthday. In fact, you had completely forgotten about it. There wasn't any party planned, so you had gone out of town for the weekend, only to see on social media Senkuu and Kohaku posting stories with pictures of themselves and Tsukasa while wishing him a happy birthday.

Being Tsukasa's new girlfriend, you had considered doing the same, but instead you came up with an even better way to give him a "present", onee that you hoped he would appreicate much more than a fleeting moment of recognition on social media.

When you got back to your city, you decided to pay Tsukasa a surprise visit. As expected, he was there and was in his room watching YouTube videos when you rang his doorbell. He greeted you with an initially perterbed expression, grumpy from his watching being interrupted, but soon smiled as he processed in his mind that it was you who had disturbed him.

"I ... didn't think you were back," he said, a little bashful as he didn't look very put together. His hair was a bit messy and he was wearing an old t-shirt and sweatpants.

"I got back this afternoon. Can I come in?"

"Of course." Tsukasa stepped to the side as you entered his flat. He closed the door and then smiled, grabbing your hand and giving you a light tug closer to him. Once your eyes were on him, he raised your hand to the height of his lips and gave the back of your hand a soft kiss.

The kiss surprised you, even though such sweet gestures were typical of Tsukasa. Your mind had already been on the "present" you were planning to give him, and the secure kindness he just gave you only let your mind plummet deeper into anticipation.

"Is something wrong?" Tsukasa gave your hand a squeeze and leant closer to you. "No one gave you trouble on the way here, did they?"

"No, I'm fine. I'm just ..." You smiled. "I'm thinking about the birthday present I put together for you."

"Birthday present?" he asked. With a light chuckle, he shook his head. "You didn't need to go through trouble over something like that. I don't need a present. A birthday is no different than any other day."

"But I wanted to give you a present."

A slight shade of pink spread over his cheeks. Feeling himself heat up, Tsukasa cleared his throat and turned around to walk back over towards his room. "As long as it's not one of those Instragram collages, I won't complain."

You laughed and followed him. "You didn't repost any of the ones Senkuu tagged you in."

"Only the one Mirai tagged me in. Besides, Chrom was giving a goofy smile and a thumbs-up in over half of Senkuu's pictures."

Tsukasa walked into his room and sat on his bed with one of his legs hanging off the side. He closed the tab of the nature documentary he was watching on YouTube and looked over to you, smiling with a wave of his hand for you to come closer. "All right. My attention is all yours," he said with a glance towards his laptop. "Unless you want to watch something together."

"Actually, Tsukasa ..." You stepped forward until your feet were at the edge of the bed, your body hovering over him as he looked up at you. "I have something for you to watch."

"What is it?"

"Your birthday present." You leant down to kiss his forehead and then took his hands to press them gently against your body. You knew that you were blushing, but the redness on Tsukasa's cheeks immediately erased all embarrassment. You guided his hands in a dance over your figure and then, in a moment of boldness, you slipped them under your shirt so that his cool palms were against your skin.

You hissed through your teeth from the feeling of your warm stomach melting the chill off of his hands. As your grip loosened on Tsukasa, he began to explore your stomach and waist on his own.

His touch was so gentle, yet strong as his palms lightly pressed and massaged themselves against your stomach. He gazed at his wrists, his lips parted as soft breaths escaped his mouth, and then, as you pulled your shirt over your head and took it off, his eyes widened and his hands squeezed you at your waist.

"It's your birthday present," you said. "Can I keep going?"

In an instant, you were pulled down onto the bed and on top of Tsukasa as he flopped backwards onto the mattress. His arms wrapped around you, squeezing you to his clothed body as his lips moved to your neck and started to suck on you. It was as if he was becoming possessed by the feral yearnings that his state of composure had been fighting to bury for too long of a time.

"Mmgh ..." He purred into your neck and smacked his lips as he sucked harder on your skin. "Don't stop ..."

"Ts-Tsukasa ..." his name slipped past your lips in a light groan as your muscles loosened under his lips. Your hands pressed against his clothed torso and lowered themselves to his hips. Curling your fingers around the band of his sweatpants, you began to pull them down.

"Take them off ..." Tsukasa growled and snapped his hand on top of one of yours to yank his bottoms down. Before you could even feel his bare cock rub against you, your own pants were being shoved down so that they rested limp on your ankles.

Tsukasa panted and grunted, his cock throbbing from the skin to skin contact it was having against your hips. He squirmed in the bed as he kicked off his sweatpants and rose his feet to your ankles to push your own pants off of you.

"Baby, I want you ..." Tsukasa's brown eyes were glazed over with a puppy-dog look begging for more after you had given him a taste of your intentions with him. His long, dark eyelashes only added to how his neediness could get right to your pussy.

"I want you, too ..." you said and started to lift your hips off of his. You sucked in a breath as your skin felt a chill rush over it from not being pressed against his.

Tsukasa's hands gripped your hips as he moved with you to his aching cock. "Let me help you, Baby. I want to make sure we do this together so it feels good."

The way he cared and looked out for you only made your pussy hotter, like it was burning for him. His eyes were filled with a soft concern, genuinely not wanting you to feel even an ounce of pain. You could feel your warm juices trailing towards your folds as you let him help you lower yourself onto him.

You hissed through her teeth as his thick cock stretched you out. "Tsukasa ... ahhh ..."

Tsukasa started to pant and tilted his neck back into the bed. "You feel so good ..." he groaned and started to slowly roll his hips against you.

You lowered yourself down to your elbows, placing them to the sides of Tsukasa's head. Your heart raced and your breathing sped up as you gazed down at him, the sight of his face only strengthening that itching tension at your clit.

"Move with me ..." Tsukasa said and gripped your hips tighter, guiding you into a rhythm with him as his fingers pressed into your flesh.

You kept on grinding him, pressing your hips against him and groaning as his cock pulsed and twitched within you. You always imagined that Tsukasa would feel good, but you never thought he would be this good. The way he was inexperienced made him even sweeter and you soon found yourself moving faster and faster against him to increase that rubbing at your walls.

Tsukasa moaned. "That's it ...! Like that, Baby ...!" He let go of your ass with one of his hands and slipped it near the front of your hips. "I'm gonna make you feel better ... even better ..." He tried to rub the side of his hand near where your clit was, doing everything he could to stimulate you more.

Even though this was your surprise for him, Tsukasa wanted it to be an experience that you would remember always.

"Tsukasa ...!" you moaned his name loudly as the rubbing from his hand seemed to ignite something electrical out of you. Your grinding against him got rougher as you sped up some more.

"I'm ... I'm cumming soon ... almost ..." Tsukasa groaned and panted as he bucked his hips into yours. "Y/n ...!"

There wasn't any more warning before your juices spilled even more all over him, leaking mercilessly past your folds. Tsukasa bucked his hips once more and nearly screamed as he released to fill you up with rapid spirals of his hot cum.

"F-Fuck, Tsukasa!"

He was a panting mess underneath you. His eyes were closed and his head pressing into the mattress. Your walls fluttered like crazy around him and you groaned as you rubbed yourself against him just a little bit more before flopping on top of him and rolling to his side. His arm curled around you, holding you firmly at your waist and squeezing you to his side.

He was never going to let you go.

Once he regathered his breathing, Tsukasa turned to face you. "Y/n ..." he said in a sweet, loving voice and turned on his side so he could wrap both of his arms around you and hug you in his warmth. His body was almost like a furnace after all of that.

You could only smile and nuzzle Tsukasa as he peppered your forehead and cheeks with kisses and gazed at you with the softest kind of endearing love you could imagine.

"You didn't have to wait for my birthday to do that," he said with a gentle chuckle and pressed his lips against yours in a kiss.

[momhwa-agenda]

lies, lust, and longing pt.1

PAIRING: Husband!Juyeon/Female Reader/Chauffeur!Younghoon

WARNINGS: Angst, comfort, suggestive, Juyeon is a cheater (please don't take any of this seriously! this is after all a work of fiction)

SUMMARY: In the glittering world of high society, appearances reign supreme. As the loyal wife to the affluent and charming Lee Juyeon, you maintain the façade of marital bliss. Yet, behind closed doors, his infidelities shatter the illusion. Amidst the turmoil, solace is found in the kindness of your chauffeur, Kim Younghoon.

A/N: OP attempts to write more than a drabble hsdskd bear with me please

TAGLIST: @daisyvisions @snowflakewhispers @midnightfantasiez (thank you as always for helping me out in the writing process)

“That’s my cue,” Juyeon whispers to you. Your attention redirects to him as he kisses you on the cheek. “I’m glad you’re here with me. Wish me luck, my love.” He says keeping his eyes on you, slipping his hands over yours before he walks over to charm the CEO of his rival company.

“What would I give to have a smitten husband like yours,” the woman in front of you sighs.. You blink twice, your lips curling into a small smile. Well wasn’t he?

You’re taken back to how you came to meet Lee Juyeon. It was way back in university, and Juyeon was a rockstar in your business class. You’ve known each other as you both passed each other down the hallways outside of classes. He’d always smile at you and talk to you sweetly, but you could tell he was out of your league. After graduation, all that sweet talk from him was just dead air. What did you expect? He was the entire university’s crush. Charming nearly every girl was like second nature to him. You weren’t anything special. 

Three years later, you received a message from the bastard. 

“Will you be my date to my company gala?”

Suddenly, the man was courteous, attentive, and affectionate to you—making you feel all suspicious of his true intentions. By the time he blurted to his boss during the gala, saying: “I've fallen so hard for her that I'm seriously contemplating getting down on one knee.”—you have had it and decided to confront him when he took you back to his place. After some hesitation, Juyeon opened up about how he needed a cover-up for his scandals. And now it all made sense. 

You rightfully yelled at him for using you, until he pointed out how smitten you were with him and how you enjoyed the luxuries he offered. 

“All you need to do is join me in company gatherings, keeping up appearances with my family,” he hisses when he mentions the latter. 

“I am the eldest of my family. I have to set an example to my younger brother,” you roll your eyes. 

“My parents are asking me to clean up my act and be the respectable heir to the family legacy, and-”

“And I’m the perfect candidate because your parents have never met me before. I’m not one of your rich conquests…” you’re about to continue until it occurs to you that you might end up marrying him.

“I’ll have to marry you too, won't I?” you ask him and he nods, clenching his jaw. You debate about how you had your own dreams and aspirations, and this arrangement most likely would be the end of your dating life. That you’d be stuck in a loveless marriage.

“What happens to me if we get married?” Juyeon's interest was sparked by your inquiry. Rising from his chair, he explains the terms of the arrangement. It seems equitable; you stand to enjoy the opulence of his lifestyle, ensuring a secure future. While your job provides a decent income, it mainly sustains your apartment and essential expenses, leaving little room for leisure. “So what do you say? Do we have a deal, Y/N?” He looks at you intently. 

Staying with Juyeon offers a tempting proposition, yet the bitter truth remains — romance is an excluded clause.

With a sigh, you concede. “I'll be your wife.”

Now, Juyeon wasn't mean, but he was very cocky and a playboy. He never hid this side of himself from you. Although romance wasn't in the picture, there were moments of intense attraction between you two, which only complicated matters further. These moments often came in the form of small gestures, like the time he asked if you had eaten. 

While these actions were often for show, he would also show kindness when you were alone. Examples of this include the first time he introduced you to his family. He praised your diligence and hard work, attributes he noticed since the day he met you in college. Another instance was when he expressed interest in preparing your favorite meal with you, or when he defended you from a relative's insensitive comment about your social status. Surprisingly, he even shared the master bedroom with you, despite the marriage contract.

However, the most confusing moment occurred one morning. As you were making your way to the shower, he pulled you onto his lap, caressed your hips, and stared at you as if searching for something only you had the answers to. This intensified one night when he came home tired and found you in the bath. Did he carelessly take off his clothes and decide to join you in the tub, proceeding to give you the best orgasm that you squirted in the bath? Yes.

A part of you wondered if he was starting to warm up to you. Maybe he was developing feelings? Your questions were answered when he came home the next day with a couple of hickeys on his neck. 

Honestly, the occasional sex was not much of a problem. The marriage was fake, but you weren't complaining about the man's large hands, impressive dick, and stamina. All in all, this deal was working; you had large sums of money, a lovely home, and great sex with a handsome man.

Yet why were you feeling a little torn that he would still sleep with other women? You knew that no matter how sweet Juyeon could be at home, you reminded yourself that this was all fake. 

That he did not love you. 

Living the life as Lee Juyeon’s wife was truly a lonely one. But in spite of it all, you were grateful for one thing — or rather one person — Younghoon, the personal chauffeur your husband had given you. Clearly this man was not the one who drove Juyeon. Of course, he wanted to separate himself from you especially when he had a night out or fucked a different woman in the car. After all, Juyeon was not one to mix business and pleasure.

Although he was simply a servant, Younghoon was very kind and courteous to you. He always greeted you with a sweet smile, held the door open for you, even asked how your day was and engaged in conversations every time he drove you. Things your “husband” should be doing. 

One day while you were on the way to work, Younghoon noticed something off about you. He was not one to pry, but you seemed very upset. So he asked how you were feeling and suggested that you could take time off work.

 “Don't you have to report to Mr. Lee about our whereabouts?” you asked.

“Considering how Mr. Lee treats you I don't think he would ask where his wife has been,” he answered “I don't mean offense, Mrs. Lee but nothing escapes my eyes.”

“Stop the car, Mr. Kim”

Younghoon frowns in confusion. You pinch the bridge of your nose, hissing “I said please stop the car, Mr. Kim.” At that, Younghoon finally swerves to pull over to the side of the road.

A frustrated sigh escapes your lips, and you press your palms against your temples. Closing your eyes, you take a moment to collect your thoughts before responding.

“What Juyeon and I have is a deal that works for both of us. He gets to protect his stupid image and make his parents proud. I get the benefits of his money, which frankly makes me a golddigger,” you swallow, your heart beating faster after each word.

“Except it’s more than what I had when I was alone.” 

Despite the slight distance between you two, you look away not wanting to feel Younghoon’s gaze pry you open. You couldn’t bear to have the man who has become your friend amidst this chaos judge you for your decisions.

“I know I could have just refused. I know I am fully capable of handling myself. And I’m fully aware that there isn’t a shortage of men out there…” you try, struggling to keep your cool in fear that Younghoon would see right through your tone. “But we don’t always get to have the things we want in a clean and fair way.” 

“Mrs. Lee,” Younghoon sighs, and you brace yourself for his third degree. But to your surprise he leaves the driver's seat, and moves to the backseat, sitting next to you. You gasp, when you see that his sincerity is evident in his eyes — and him being next to you somehow breaks down the barriers that separated you earlier. 

“I’m not well-off myself, so I understand what you’re going through,” he opens up, “Forgive me, it’s not my intention to make you feel miserable. It’s just that I can see that you’re clearly hurting. I’m saying this because I…I've come to care deeply for you, not just as someone I work for, but as a person.” 

The warmth in his eyes speaks volumes, offering a glimpse of the solace and authenticity you crave. At that moment, tears begin to fall from your eyes. You hurriedly avert your gaze from Younghoon, only for him to tap your forearm and you see him offering his handkerchief. A laugh briefly escapes your mouth as you nervously take the handkerchief, wiping your tears. This was the most sincere act of kindness you’ve seen in a while.

“I’m sorry for insulting you earlier. I just can't stand to see you suffer in silence.” he adds. Once you’ve wiped your tears, you look back at Younghoon and the kindness in his face is unwavering. You feel as if your heart could explode into a million pieces from the affection Younghoon is showing. 

You take his hand in a surprising and tender gesture. “Thank you,” you manage, breaking into tears once more. Younghoon takes the handkerchief from you and gently dabs at your tears. “You’re right, Mr. Kim. But I can’t leave him, you know that,” you tell him. 

“I understand. Just know that I'm here if you need someone to talk to,” he assures, his voice a soothing balm to your wounded heart.

Both of you are so caught up in the moment, you and Younghoon realize how close you are, and that you are still holding his hand. You both move apart, chuckling nervously. 

“Mr. Kim?” 

“Yes?”

“Could you take me to this cafe I’ve been meaning to visit? Please” 

“As you wish,” he smiles sweetly, before moving back to the driver’s seat. You give him the address and the directions as you drive off.

You smile to yourself, realizing that not only has a friendship blossomed between you and Younghoon, but something deeper was taking root. An indescribable bond, one that goes beyond mere words. A potential for something more, perhaps.

[liongoatsnake]

ESSAY: My Hearthome in ABZÛ

by Ocean Watcher from House of Chimeras (He/they) I was inspired to write this essay after attending the panel, "No Place Like Home: On Hearthomes" at Othercon 2024 Note: This won't be the official home of this essay. I'm planning on adding it to our system's website, The Chimeras Library sometime in the future either as a standalone essay or part of something bigger.

My Hearthome in ABZU

by Ocean Watcher from House of Chimeras Date Written: 15 August 2024 Approx. Word Count: ~2,180

Approx. Reading Time: ~17 minutes

“They say home is where the heart is, and for most people it consists of four walls and a welcome mat. For me, it’s the ocean.” ~ Bethany Hamilton, Soul Surfer. Directed by Sean McNamara. California: Sony Pictures Releasing, 2011.

Defining Hearthome

A hearthome is a location, whether real or otherwise, that an individual has a strong emotional connection toward to the point it feels like a “home,” typically despite never having lived or spent a significant amount of time there. The specifics on what qualifies as a hearthome within this general definition is largely up for personal interpretation.

The location in question can be as all-encompassing as a whole planet all the way down to something much, much smaller. The location could be a real place (whether that be one that still currently exists or a location that once existed but doesn’t anymore), a setting depicted in fictional media, or something else entirely. It can also be a specific easily named location or merely a general description of a place. Finally, the exact kind of emotional connection and feeling like “home” a location can elicit can range from a feeling of familiarity, of comfort and relaxation, safety, nostalgia, homesickness, and/or more. In short, within the definition of hearthome there are many possibilities on how the experience can exist.

The term used to describe someone who has a hearthome or the state of having a hearthome is sometimes called hearthic, though not everyone uses it. (So, for example someone might say “I have a hearthome in [insert place here]” rather than saying “I am [insert place here]hearthic.” Whether hearthic is used or not alongside the term hearthome is largely personal preference.

Describing ABZÛ

ABZÛ (also written as Abzû) is a video game initially released in 2016. The game fits within several genres including adventure, simulation, and art video game. It has no dialogue and so the story is told solely through visuals. The main draw of the game is the graphics put into the diverse ocean environments and the wide range of marine life that inhabits each area. Most of ABZÛ is home to animal species that can be found in today’s oceans; however, there are over a dozen or so species that appear in the game that went extinct a long time ago.

The gameplay itself consists of the player controlling an android diver exploring a large variety of ocean environments in a vast ocean and getting to see a myriad of marine life at every turn.

Knowing the backstory of what occurs isn’t needed, but for some context: Deep at the bottom of this ocean was a primordial source of infinite energy. Where the energy permeated from the ground life spontaneously came into being. An ancient civilization discovered they could collect and use it to create (marine) life whenever and wherever they wished. However, at some point, they created machines to automate the process. The creation of these machines caused a disruption of the natural flow of life as they took up so much energy they drained the vitality of the ocean away. The civilization disappeared, leaving their machines to continue to operate. The objective of the player-controlled robot diver, another creation of the ancient civilization, is to return the energy back to the ocean and put an end to the machines causing the destruction.

ABZÛ is overall a short game, with most players seeming to complete it within an hour and thirty minutes to two hours, on average.

Home is Where the Heart Is Indeed

So, my hearthome is ABZÛ.

To start, I want to put some context between the game ABZÛ and my hearthome ABZÛ. The environments in the game are striking and hold an emotional importance to an extent that I have labeled it as a hearthome; however, the ABZÛ that I think of in my mind’s eye and thoughts is not just an exact mirror of the game. That is because the ABZÛ I have conceptualized in my own mind is laid out like a normal(ish) ocean thanks to some noemata I have.

The noemata I have reads that all the “game-y” elements necessary for it to function as, well, a game, aren’t present in the idea of ABZÛ that makes up my hearthome. So, all the things necessary to keep a player in a defined area and on a specific path are absent. Further, all the different locations shown in the game would exist in a much more natural way. Plus, even more biodiversity would exist than shown in the game itself (as it is only populated with a little more than a few hundred different species whereas a more realistic ocean would have tens of thousands). Basically, the concept of ABZÛ in my mind looks and functions a lot more like a natural ocean (if a much, much more vibrant and filled with even more aquatic life, one).

I also have noemata that reads that while the old structures of the civilization still exist in a way like how they appear in the game, the inverted pyramid machines have long broken down and been reclaimed by the ocean and there are no unnatural dead zones. (So, I guess, one could say my hearthome is based off how things look at the end of the game.)

So, there is all that.

That is all well and good, but now I want to cover why exactly I distinguish ABZÛ as a hearthome; why I feel it warrants a special label of significance to me at all.

Not to state the obvious, but games are meant to be emotionally and/or mentally moving. They are meant to make a player feel something. ABZÛ is no different. It is meant to be a “pretty ocean” game, if you will. The environments in ABZÛ certainly reflect a more idealized and concentrated concept of ocean life (the magnitude of marine life at any particular point in the game itself being far more than an ecosystem could sustain). So, of course, the game is meant to be visually stunning and calming (save for a section in the game roughly 3/5ths in) in relation to the ocean, but my feelings for the game go deeper than what would be normally expected.  

It is true that much of the allure I have toward ABZÛ could be dismissed as merely as a natural consequence of my alterhumanity being so immersed in the ocean if not for the fact there are aspects of ABZÛ that draw out emotions and noemata that can’t be easily waved off in that manner. There are plenty of ocean-themed games and whatnot, yet it’s this specific one I have this connection toward. I have no idea why exactly I have a hearthome in this game specifically. I couldn’t tell you why. For whatever reason, its ABZÛ that resonates with me so strongly.

The biggest thing that stands out for me is the fact the area in the game that holds the most profound feelings of familiarity and belonging is the underwater city. At one point in the game, some underwater caves open into a vast underground space where a half-submerged city exists. (My view of things through some more noemata looks a lot more like an ancient city proper because, again, ABZÛ is a game so what exists is a lot more simplified and limited.) It is a city abandoned and in ruins and yet every surface is still covered in tile and brick of beautiful blue hues. Plants like trees, flowers, and vines populate the space above the water, lily pads and other floating plants pepper the water’s surface, and below sea plants like kelp, sea grass, and so much more cover much of the floor. Sunlight shines down from high above; my noemata filling in with the idea the city resides within a long extinct volcano rising above the ocean’s surface. Animals are everywhere both above and below the water. It’s this place I gravitate towards the most.  

But what exactly do I feel?

Something about it resonates with me. It is a place that feels like home to a part of me. Something about it feels deeply right and missed despite never having lived there nor do I feel like it is a place I am “from,” in any specific way. The feelings my hearthome draw out of me can mostly be best described as comfort, relief, safety, and rightness. There is something familiar about it, even upon my first playthrough. There is maybe even a tinge of nostalgia even though I strongly feel like there isn’t anything past-life-like at play as to why I have this hearthome. It just feels so familiar and comforting to me.

Starting out, my feelings also included what I can best describe as a yearning or longing to want to be there, even if only to visit. There was a desire to know a place like it with my own eyes as much as I knew it already in my heart somehow. So, there was a bit of almost homesickness there too. All these feelings are described in the past tense because of something that happened a bit after first playing the game.

Sometime after first playing ABZÛ, a sunken city with strong similarities to the one in the game was discovered in the ocean in our system’s innerworld. It is not a perfect exact copy, but it has all the same elements and looks how my hearthome appears through the lens of the noemata I have. I know I didn’t consciously will the location in our innerworld to come into existence, no one here can make such blatant conscious changes to our innerworld; however, I’m far less certain if my discovery of the game and the emotions it elicited didn’t cause the sunken city to appear in our innerworld as an involuntary reaction. (Not long after its appearance, several other areas in the game also found their way into the ocean of our system’s innerworld.) Since its appearance and discovery, I spend much of my time in these impacted areas, especially the sunken abandoned city. Since its appearance, the location has become a much beloved place to be, not just for me but also for many other aquatics in the system. The area is aesthetically pleasing and interesting to move around in. There is a lot of wildlife so hunting instincts can be indulged and so on. When not focused on fronting it is a nice place to exist in.

I’ve been aware of my emotional connection to the setting depicted in ABZÛ since July 2018 after playing it for the first time. Since buying it on Steam, I’ve logged many hours on it and have played through its entirety several times. However, I had not labeled my feelings towards this game as a hearthome until recently. Back then, I never questioned or analyzed my feelings surrounding the environments in the game. I knew it soothed something in me to play the game, going out to the sunken city in the innerworld for a while, or even just imagine myself swimming in one of my favorite areas, but I didn’t think about why exactly that was the case.

I didn’t make the connection between my experiences with ABZÛ to the term, hearthome until August of 2024. The moment of realization came while listening to the panel, “No Place Like Home: On Hearthomes” at Othercon 2024. Upon Rani, the panel’s host, describing the meaning of the term, I realized my feelings towards ABZÛ fit perfectly within the word. It wasn’t even a particularly jarring realization, and I am not sure how I had never made the connection before. Since that realization, I’ve come to label my feelings around the game, ABZÛ as my hearthome.

On the topic of alterhuman terms, I don’t use the term hearthic to refer to my state of having a hearthome at this time, solely because the word just doesn’t feel right when I try to use it in context. That could change, but for now, that is that.

I do consider my hearthome to be a part of my alterhumanity. My hearthome certainly fits neatly into my wider alterhumanity; ocean life and all that. That being said, I don’t think my hearthome has as strong of an impact on my daily experiences as other aspects do. My feelings around my hearthome are most often closer to something in the background more than anything. It is still there, and it is still important, it is just not as blatant and impactful in my daily life compared to something like my phantom body from my theriotypes. The fact parts of the game now exist in the innerworld and are prime locations for me to go after fronting to alleviate species dysphoria is perhaps the most blatant way my hearthome impacts my greater alterhumanity.

Bibliography

505 Games, ABZÛ. 505 Games, 2015, Microsoft Windows.

“Glossary,” Alt+H, https://alt-h.net/educate/glossary.php . Archived on 19 Apr 2020: https://web.archive.org/web/20200419100422/https://alt-h.net/educate/glossary.php

Lepidoptera Choir. “Hearthic” astrophellian on Tumblr. 9 April 2022. https://astrophellian.tumblr.com/post/681107250894503936/hearthic . Archived on 30 September 2022: https://web.archive.org/web/20220930143533/https://astrophellian.tumblr.com/post/681107250894503936/hearthic

Rani. “No Place Like Home: On Hearthomes,” Othercon 2024, 11 August 2024, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lYVF_R6v50Q

[befemininenow]

Deconstructing the sissy in you (part 1)

Note: This note contains a lot of sissy captions from blogs that no longer exist. This isn’t meant for sissies who are still into the “lifestyle”; everyone has their thing. It’s for those who wish to distance themselves from something that does not correlate with their femininity, but has trouble shaking away their past. Being feminine is something rewarding and should never be humiliating. It’s part of who we are as people. However, take this note with a grain of salt. If you need real help, please consult an actual therapist in your area who is specialized in gender identity.

You ask yourself in tears “How did this all started? What can I do to go back?” as you’re viewing yourself in the mirror all dressed up in pink and frills, blonde wig, heavy makeup, and a cast down there. Your desire was to look as feminine as possible, not some kind of doll that others would poke fun at and admire. You know in your mind you’re a girl, a trans girl. But out of fear of being ostracized by everyone, you wish you can go back, burn every trace of the “sissy lifestyle” you were lured into, and come out to the world as a vanilla trans girl. Well, I’m here to tell you the truth: You can’t go back (theoretically speaking). However, there is a way for you to freshly start over again (realistically speaking). And it all starts by jogging your memory to the beginning.

You always had a thing for “feminization”, which is the process of incorporating feminine aspects towards any person regardless of identity. For a while, you enjoyed viewing others submit to “forced feminization” through transformation sequences because of a sense of dominance. It wasn’t until you realized that you deeply wanted to be like the “victims” and started to visualize yourself as a girl.

You secretly had feminine characteristics that you tried to oppress to avoid being called names. You know the ones: “sissy”, “f@ggit”, “wimp”, “pussy”, “girl”. That last word is what you hated being called, yet you did “manly” activities to prove your maleness. Outside, they saw you as a potential alpha. But inside, you were somebody else.

The MTF transformations in your feed weren’t enough anymore and suddenly you wanted something a little more real. Shortly later, you found out about trans women models and actresses in the underground scene and it threw you off at first. “They exist? I thought they were just fiction?”. Then, you started looking at MTF timelines, articles about trans people, and even a few videos about the transitioning process, including surgeries. It feels intense and scary; you don’t know if you want this. How painful would it be to give up “down there” for a rack “up there”? “Is there any alternative safer than that?”

Then, out of nowhere on your social feed, you see this image:

It resonates with you! That’s who you wish to be inside! She’s hot, and a dream babe! But more importantly, you wish to have a body like hers!

You click on the link and wonder where this image came from and you realize you’re in a blog full of “feminization captions”. You’ve always been a fan of TG captions and are open-minded for anything new. All of a sudden, you find another caption you like:

OMG! Another hot chick! “But why do I feel like I want to be her instead?” You look at the caption folder and they seem intriguing. Eventually, you found your answer:

“Feminization? I need that now!” You sent a DM to the caption blog’s inbox and asked how the “feminization process” works. The person behinds it send you this picture:

You thank the person so much and ask if they are this person or if they know them. Although their blog doesn’t exist anymore, they ask you to find a “mistress” who specializes in feminization. It took you a while, but you eventually found a sympathetic one and not too long after, the process slowly began.

At first, they’re quite innocent and truthful. You are a guy after all.

Then, they became a little more deep.

A little too deep...

Soon, they started to make you think deeper...

They’re right. Trying heels isn’t “gay”, nor is trying on her set.

Soon, your dreams became more “feminine” after several hypnos, captions, and training.

In a matter of time, your desires started to change...

“Wait, that’s not true! Or, maybe it is now, idk.”

“Sissy!? Ok, I need to stop this now. I am not a sissy!”

“Well, I do like being a girl, but I’m not sure about being called a sissy...”

“Umm.. mmm....”

Your sexuality started to shift. Men were suddenly so hot...

You never thought yourself with a guy, but then you started dating them, pleasing them, getting rammed by them, daydreaming of them. Your attraction to girls eroded as time went by.

But something has also been in your mind as you went deep into the “sissy lifestyle” these mistresses and besties encouraged you be part of. Something that resonates more with who you really want to be. Something more serious and life-changing:

You realize all what you have did was more of a distraction and less of what you deem “feminization”. Sure, the pleasure was great. The makeovers were amazing. The name callings were quite flattering. But what you really wanted to be was more in touch with your feminine side. What you really wanted was to become a woman:

(stay tuned for part 2)

[mx-jinxous]

Chapter 6

Steve didn’t know how he got here. One moment he was sleeping under a tree with Dustin, settling into his new role, next he’s in the middle of a guarded shopping market in the village. Last time he had been here, Brenner tried to remove his arm from his body over the equivalent of an engagement ring. Now he was being watched at every corner. 

After Joyce had woken him up in the garden, he’d carried Dustin and left him with the guards on his way to collect his belongings from his temporary room. He took a carriage ride with Joyce and her children to their home, filled with silence aside from the thumping of the road. The home itself wasn’t big by any means, but spacious enough for this family size. For the night, Steve had to share a room with Joyce’s eldest son, seemingly the silent type. He’d taken the settee, giving the other boy his bed without a word, which led to the awkward morning. 

When he’d woken up, it was the man from the garden, snuggling him tightly while he snored in his ear. He was frozen in place, unsure of what to do as with each passing breath, wondering if he should push the man off and risk waking him for an even more awkward encounter. It was going to be awkward regardless of how it was approached, however, it couldn’t have been more horrifying and embarrassing than any other option. Steve jumped at the sound of someone clearing their throat, waking the man behind him. The young man watched as the gardener raised his head, looked over his shoulder at their visitor, looking down at him, and repeated the process once more before sitting up with a stretch.

“You pardon the spontaneous cuddles, my sir. I believed you were Johnny, and if I must say, not a bad cuddler.” He stood, giving Steve a front view of Jonathan and how the gardener wrapped his arms around the young man.

“Ah, thanks dude? Duly noted.” He mumbled, sitting up and avoiding eye contact with either boy.

“Dude?”

“Um, yeah. Like bro, or man… sir.”

“Like a term of endearment. I like it, dude.” He smirked, wrapping himself around Jonathan, the younger boy’s face flushing across his cheeks. The long-haired gardener chuckled, using his shoulder to rest his chin while rocking them. They were the perfect picture of a smitten couple and it made something ache inside Steve, like a rock was taking up most of the space in his chest.

“Yeah… kind of.” A silence fell on them as awkwardness between them from before returned. “So… why are you sneaking around the Byer’s home? You’re the king’s gardener, right?”

“Oh yes! The name is Argyle, but I spend most nights with Johnny. I arrived well into the night, so forgive the cuddles.”

“It’s cool, man, just not used to this arrangement. Joyce said something about setting up my room before returning to the castle.”

“Yes! Today is a day of rest for the workers. We are spending the morning shopping for clothing.” 

“That is our plan if you boys can drag yourselves out of bed.” Steve jumps, Joyce having snuck into the room while they had spoken. “Hop is dropping the children off at the castle for their classes and will be back to set up your room. If we wish to return before their classes conclude, then I suspect we should move our feet rather than drag them.” 

That’s how Steve found himself thrown into the middle of the market, joined by not only the Byers, but Argyle and a girl named Robin. He’d seen her around the castle, yet hadn’t spoken, though neither seemed to want to reach out. She had already been in the carriage when they had climbed in and seemed to be nominated by Joyce to be his shopping partner and lecturer. She had been rambling, jumping between topics, while she was dragging him from stall to stall. It was a prime example of ADHD if Steve had ever seen one, which was too hard for him to follow, so he spaced out.

He came back to when she snapped her fingers in his face, directing an annoyed glare at him. “I have already repeated myself twice and will not do it again.”

“Well, sorry, I can’t keep track of you.” Steve growled.

“If you would stay alert then you could possibly learn something, Curantis. I assume you cannot reiterate what I just explained to you.”

“And you’d be correct. You lost me on your tangent about what clothes would keep me from sticking out like Bigfoot in the city.” He rolled his eyes, scoffing as he crossed his arms across his chest protectively. This caused the young woman to groan, throwing her head back in frustration.

“You say such outlandish things that make no sense.” Robin turned and marched on, trying to leave Steve with the last word. He followed without hesitation, only for her to whip around without warning. “I was trying to explain the different magic classes to you since you will be in charge of several children that fall into those classes, yet if you continue being an ass, then I will let you learn on your own. Mind you, they are in that age where emotions run high, that being said I hope you enjoy losing your lushes locks.” She scoffed, flicking a strand of Steve’s hair to emphasize the point, before turning on her heels and leading him to another stall.

“Fine, then go on and explain.” He groaned as he followed.

“Gods, you are dense in the head. If you had paid attention the first time, then we would not be in this predicament.”

“Whatever!” Steve growled, the others finally catching up with the two. Joyce had an unpleasant look on her face and gave the classic hands on her hips. 

“Robin, what is going on with you?”

“I do not understand why I am tasked with teaching the intruder!” She growled, looking at the woman with a glare. Joyce sighed, looking back at her son, whose attention was on Argyle haggling with a merchant, a small smile on his face.

“Jonathan, would you please take over for Robin and explain things for Curantis?” The young man jumped, nodding with a blush to his cheeks. He switched with Robin, leaving with Steve to give the two women a moment alone. “Come. Let us speak while we stroll.” 

The younger woman didn’t say anything, just followed her through the market. She knew a lecture was on Joyce’s tongue and was bracing for it. It didn’t come swiftly, instead they were in a more secluded place when the older woman decided to speak up. “I hold you in high regards. Where Nancy has a logical approach, you have a compassionate one, so you must understand why you are being so cold towards Curantis. I had chosen you for this role, to fold him into our world and get him prepared for the role he was given. I am disappointed in you for this out of nowhere coldness come from?”

True to her word, there was only disappointment in her voice, which seemed successful in pulling a pout from Robin. When Joyce turn to face her, she saw the young girl staring down at her feet while she kicked stones.

“Perhaps we should all think like Nancy from time to time. I am not sorry for being wary of a thief just because he brought another criminal in for justice. The last time we trusted a stranger, he harmed your family. After what happened to the twins and Chrissy, forgive me if I do not wish to see them harmed again.” She scoffed, refusing to look up at the women. 

“I understand where you are coming from, truly. I vouched for Martin and he harmed my babies, which is something that I will have to live with for the rest of my days. I need you to understand where I am coming from. He is not Martin, he is just a lost young man. Perhaps you should talk to him before making assumptions.” Robin scoffed, taking the lead to the jewelry stand, Joyce shaking her head as she watched the young woman. Debating whether to try to reason with a girl, but came to a stop when a chill ran down her spine, causing a shiver. She wrapped her cloak while an unsettling feeling befell her. Joyce wanted to hurry this trip along.

The silence that fell over the three boys filled with an awkward silence that seemed to be the normal between Steve and Jonathan while Argyle happily bounced around the stalls. They stood off to the side, avoiding eye contact anyway possible. Steve knew he should say something, or at least apologize for the accidental cuddling with his boyfriend, but couldn’t figure out how to broach the subject. He tossed some ideas around in his head, only to be dragged out by said man clearing his throat.

Steve jumped, whipping his head to face Jonathan. The young man was staring, neither seemingly able to push through the tension to address the other. At least Steve couldn’t. Jonathan seemed to drag enough strength to look at the other. “My mother has told you about some magic, however, to what extent?”

“Not much. I just know that there are different type and that those kids I’m in charge of fall into those classes.”

“I see. Then I shall start with listing the different types of magic schools, followed by those that fall.”

“Ah… sure?” Steve situated himself against a wall, Jonathan closing quarter, but not leaning like the other boy.

“To begin, you have the more common classes, sorcery and druid mages. We have more sorcerers in our ranks than any other. You will be in charge of Dustin and Erica. You will meet fewer diviners and enchanters, which sadly have been dwindling over the years. El and Will are the only diviners I have ever come across in my whole life, and Lucas, Erica’s older brother, is an enchanter. That leaves the final class, a vitamancer, the one and only in the region, being my mother.”

“Why is she the only one? Wouldn’t you or your siblings be healers?”

“The twins fall in their class and my magic is too weak to fall into a class.”

“But we love Johnny all the same.” Argyle appeared, wrapping his arm around Jonathan. A mirror of this morning. The other boy was bright red as the druid tucked a flower into his hair. They joined hands on his hip, the two smiling with eyes only on each other like they were the only two people round.

That was abruptly cut off by a shrill scream that reverberated from a nearby alleyway. Without hesitation, Steve led the charge to find the sight that made his blood boil. Dangling by her arm from an overly tight grip of a man three times her size was one of his kids, Max, if he recalled. He was shaking her violently as he screamed at her face belligerently, while she screamed back, trying to kick him, unable to by the way she was being shaken. 

Steve didn’t hesitate, grabbing the nearest the wall, a metal bar to his luck. He stepped into the guy’s line of sight, glaring at the man as he took up a swinging stance. “Hey dumbass! Put her down or I’m going to realign your face into something prettier!” He growled.

“Keep to yourself scrawny. This brat’s brother owed me and I am getting my due one way or another!” He spat in Max’s direction, repulsing the red-head.

“Keep your hands to yourself! I don’t care if her brother owes you even a coin. She’s my responsibility. Let her go now or I will knock what little teeth you have out!”

The men stared each other down, Steve puffing his chest out to try to intimidate the man. “Fine. If you are in charge of her, then you can pay up.” He threw Max to the ground, a sickening crack echoing as the man kept at Steve. He didn’t get a chance when blood spattered across his face and torso. A rough scream echoed in his ears as he was shoved back, finding himself back out on the street. 

The world went numb around him, and couldn’t process anything around him, just the blood dripping from his hands. He hadn’t seen this much since the museum, the thieves’ blood covering golem Kas’. His chest was hurting, his breathing quick and shallow, a reminder that death loomed over him recently and he couldn’t fight the panic that poured over him.

The only thing that held him at the moment was hands wrapped around his. It was enough to look up and see Robin, her eyes wide with panic, her mouth moving, yet the words were drowned out by a ringing in his ears. “I-I ca-can’t breathe.” There were hands on him, one gripping his throat. He was thrashing as the corner of his vision was clouding and before he knew it, his sight was gone and his body collapsed.

When he came to, it was to the familiar stone ceiling of the castle, a wet rag on his forehead. Through a sore throat, he let out a groan escape, which was enough to signal those in the room. “Well, well. Back to the land of the living, I see.” Joyce smiled as she peered down at him.

“What happened?” A grumble escaped as he sat up.

“The guards took the assailant down, now locked up in the village. I believe the blood had set you off in a panic. You were squeezing your own neck while gasping for air and passed out. How are you feeling?”

“My throat hurts. Other than that, I’m fine. How’s the kid?”

“Max’s ankle was broken. However, I was able to heal it. Here dear, let me heal your neck.” Steve leaned his head back, a warm light casting against his neck. It was brief, but the pain resided with the glow. “There we are. Now, shall we go join the others for dinner? Journey ahead of us.” She offered out a hand, which the younger took without hesitation. He was still slightly drowsy, so he allowed Joyce to pull him through the castle to a large dining hall already filled with the castle’s occupants.

Dustin was the first to see him and nearly knocked him over when he sprinted from his chair and wrapped his arms around the babysitter. “You are awake!”

Steve couldn’t help the chuckle that left him wrapping an arm around his shoulder. “Now Dustin, Curantis must be hungry. Let us take a seat.” The young boy excitedly pulled the babysitter towards the table.

“Come, you can sit by me and then we can go read more about Knight Alderman.”

“I don’t think I’ll be staying long enough for reading time.” Steve found himself between Dustin and Max, the young girl, looking better than she had earlier. She was picking at the bread on her plate while looking bored at Dustin’s huffing. “But tomorrow, before class, we can read a whole chapter.” Dustin pouted, but turned his attention back to his food.

With his excitement tempered, Steve turned to his dinner just as his plate was filled with unknown meats, cheese, and bread that made his mouth water. One of the blessings of being sent whenever this was, which he was going to miss sorely when he went back to living out of his car. He has no doubt he’s been fired for being MIA, knowing he’s just another number. Part of him hoped Grey would care enough to file a missing person’s report, but then again, the old man was just kind and didn’t owe him anything.

Still, Steve wasn’t going to ignore a hot meal, so he dug in like everyone else. There was hardly chatter, the clatter of silverware on ceramic dishes echoes were filling the room. It was nice being surrounded by people for once in the few years he’d been on his own, though his parents traveled far more than spent time with him in his teen years. It was a warm feeling, and he was gonna hate losing it.

Sadly, it was over way too soon for his liking, and he left with the Byers’, the others making their exit soon after, leaving Kas to corral Dustin and Max to their room. The young girl tucked herself while Eddie tucked in the boy, who seemed a little distant.

“How do you both like your new curantis?”

“I think he is a weakling who faints at the sight of blood. Either way, he was stupidly brave or just stupid to go against that brut.” Max scoffed, staring off to the wall and away from the others.

“I think he is thriving! We have spent quite enough time together. Perhaps you should try it instead of studying him afar!” It is like having a brother whose job is to only spend time with us.”

“I do not need another brother. I have one already!” She snapped, only making Dustin react with another snap.

“Do not be such a prude, Max! I am just telling my truth!” Kas held his hands up at the two, trying to coral them before it got turned into a full-fledged fight. Both were sitting up in bed, glaring at one another, ready to say things that worried the king.

“Your truth is replacing your dead loved ones with anyone that gives you an ounce of attention. I, however, will not be replacing Billy with someone that does not even have a name! It is your fault you do not mourn your mother!” That’s where he drew the line, cutting both children off.

“Enough! Both of you are walking a fine line and someone’s going to get hurt. No one is attempting to replace Billy, but you cannot go tearing someone else down for the way they deal with a loss. Both of you need to apologize to the other because neither is wrong here, but what you both said was.” Neither said anything, laying down with their backs facing one another. Another sigh left the king, but he decided to leave the rest for tomorrow when they all had a night’s sleep. 

Leaning over, he blew out the single candle that lit the room, not missing the quivering breathing from both sides of the room, wanting nothing more than to comfort the children. He knew, though, that tomorrow was the best time to broach the subject, only hoping for a better day tomorrow.

Though the day ended less progressive than had been planned when they set out, Joyce had managed to obtain a healthy amount of clothing and blankets that the two were currently putting into the room Hopper had gotten the room put together with the bare minimum. Steve loved having a room back and even if it had just been a pillow and a sheet, taking in the comfort of laying on the bed while Joyce was fitting the clothes into the wardrobe.

“You were rather protective of Max today, jumping in to try to save her.” The older woman spoke up.

“Well, she is my responsibility and I don’t give a damn about what happened between that guy and her brother, but you don’t attack a kid. I would have knocked him out if I hadn’t panicked over the blood. I guess the museum is haunting me, even though I’m on good terms with Kas.”

“Trauma has a way of doing that. I myself am familiar with such. You seemed to be a natural protector when it comes to reactions though, I admire that.” He could hear the smile on her lips, though he couldn’t see her.

“Well, this isn’t my first time babysitting. Between jobs, I would watch the children of my wealthy neighbors that wanted to live out the best years of their lives instead of taking care of their children at home. I made great money that way until my parents kicked me out and outed me to all the neighbors. They all treated me like a heathen for liking both genders. I guess it was fate that I ended up here taking care of the kids.” A chuckle left Steve, ignoring the dip beside him on the bed.

“While you are here, you have no worry of judgment. Some of us become parental over our wards. I had a young man I taught that was like a son to me. He was the only other vitamancer I had met and was quite gifted.” He wanted to ask more, to learn more about this kindhearted woman, yet the look on her face seemed to tell an unhappy ending to this story. Joyce seemed to sense his curiosity and offered a nod to Steve’s suspicions. “You do well with the children. Dustin seems to favor you.”

A smile slid on his lips at the mention of the young boy. “He’s a good kid, just wanting to belong. I get what it’s like to be alone.”

“Hopefully, you will not feel that way with us. I am here as a listener, if you wish to reach out.” With a pat to his shoulder, she stood and made her way towards the door.

“Thank you, Joyce.”

“It is no problem, Curantis.” She said, sliding out the door. His mouth worked before his brain could comprehend whether he’d regret his decision.

“Steve.” She stopped before closing the door, dipping her head back into the room with a wide smile.

“Please get some rest then, Steve. I will wake you in the morning.” With that, she shut the door, leaving Steve to rest.

[dearfuturehusbandblog]

I Had A Moment

Dear Future Husband,

I've had a lot I've wanted to post here over the last few months but it's been too much, really, and a lot of the things I've wanted to say would come out sounding completely insensitive and that just wouldn't be appropriate for what everyone has been struggling with. I'm also slow at processing things properly, which I think I've made kind of clear in this blog in the past.

Regardless, I'll reiterate: I'm often too pragmatic, honestly to a fault.

Everything about the way I think and feel (or don't feel) is a direct symptom of the way I was raised, regardless of how in denial my parents are of the way they raised us.

I've been sleeping worse than normal for the last three months (it's literally 10:20am right now as I'm starting to write this and I still haven't slept since yesterday and I only slept about 3-4 hours yesterday, so you can probably see where this is going....) and I'm too tired to really explain myself thoroughly here right now, but I thought I should share this.

Since the war started in October I haven't felt much about it.

This is the whole insensitive thing I was talking about....

I'm a half a world away dealing with so many other things and b"H all the people I know in Israel are as safe as they can be during this insanity, so it's hard to relate to anything that's going on over there.

I've also never been much of an emotional person, so I've seen a lot of the footage and pictures and haven't had much of a reaction. Which is ridiculous, I know, and maybe one day when I'm not falling on my face I'll take time to go more in depth on what I mean, but today is not that day.

Anywho, when I was in Seminary in Israel a whole 15+ years ago, I started reciting the entire sefer tehillem during the week of Chanukah.

That lasted maybe four or five years, but I'm so slow at reading Hebrew that I would always procrastinate the days perakim and end up off schedule and it was too much pressure on myself to do something that nobody told me I had to do. So at some point I just stopped doing it.

But another "tradition" I started at the same time was doing a content "diet" and cutting out all non-kosher movies, tv, music, and books (except for bathroom reading) for the entire week of Chanukah. That is something I still do pretty much every year.

So during the rest of the year I listen to the radio or my non-Jewish music with the blutooth in my car, but during Chanukah it's only Jewish music.

Last Thursday night, the 8th night of Chanukah, I was listening to music in my car on the way to the supermarket to buy some things for Shabbos and the song L'man Achai by The Chevra came on.

I listened to it once, not having heard it in a long time, and sang along with it. The next song came on, but my mind was still on L'man Achai, so I put it on again, harmonizing with it. And then it sunk in as an earworm and I played it again.

And I had a moment.

It was on this third play that I actually listened to the words of the song. It's from two separate perakim of tehillem.

Leman achai v're'ai adabra na shalom bach Leman bes Hashem Elokeinu avaksha tov lach Hashem oz l'amo yiten, Hashem yivarech as amo ba'shalom

The first part is from Perek 122:

And the second is from Perek 29:

My translation skills aren't that good (hence the screenshots), so I was sitting in my car trying to suss out what exactly I was saying in the first part, but when I got to the second, I got completely choked up. Words just wouldn't come out right and tears did spring to my eyes. Although the tears didn't spill over, the knot in my throat took a while to dissipate and I stopped singing along with the song. All I could think about was how many people in Israel are wishing for peace and strength, and how many have picked themselves up after such a tragedy and are moving forward, not letting this keep them down at all.

And I thought about every galus we've been in. Every massacre of Jews for thousands of years because of feuds that run so deep in our history that even when they've been resolved by the people who started them, their children still carry that hatred in their hearts because they've been taught it's important, even when it's not their fight.

And the sarcastic and angry part of me was saying "Hashem gives us strength? He blesses us with peace? WHAT peace? WHAT strength???"

But the rest of me just felt the brokenness of it all.

I ended up playing the song several more times in a row, getting my voice back enough to yell out the lyrics, hoping if I could say them loud enough they'd permeate my soul and maybe I would feel something more than just that momentary strangle. That maybe just putting the words out into the world would be enough.

So after three months of playing the part of "it's so terrible, it's so sad" but not really feeling those emotions, something in my brain finally clicked. And I had that moment.

It's been a week and I've had the song on repeat in my head since then. It doesn't have the same impact on me as it did last Thursday in the car, but I keep thinking about it.

It's like the earworm of the century has burrowed into my brain and no matter what I do to distract myself the tune is always on the periphery of my thoughts.

Not that this whole situation hasn't been far from my mind every day anyway.... but now I have a small and constant reminder that I can have human feelings on occasion. It just sometimes takes three months for that moment.

-LivelyHeart

[primewritessmut]

For Fanfic Q&A - Writer’s Edition: 4, 14, 16, 17

Sara! Hiiiiiii 👋 Love it when we exist in adjacent online spaces.

4. What themes/concepts in the canon do you most enjoy exploring in your fan works? 

As someone wise and perceptive once commented on a fic of mine (with the appropriate caps), it’s Seeing the Other. The idea that someone could see all the horrible mess inside you and still like it. That it might not even BE a horrible mess to them, just another Tuesday.

I also love writing antagonism, even though it took me a while to figure that out. There’s such a fine line between hate and indifference and love, and I think antagonism can help readers walk that line with the characters. For both Symbrock and Spideypool, it’s about exploring how their antagonism clashes with how they see each other.

The symbiote and Eddie know the other in a way no humans could. And Peter and Wade are really just funhouse mirror reflections of each other.

14. What aspects of your creative process do you enjoy most? Which are most challenging?

The burst of insight. The excitement of a new idea. The feeling of flow when everything just comes together and it’s EXACTLY how you pictured it.

Honestly, my creative process is the equivalent of standing in the shower and letting my thoughts wander until I suddenly get hit by a Mack truck of ideas. I don’t get ideas at the computer. I get them in the grocery line or driving down the road. (Which is kind of dangerous when I need to make note of them but… uh…)

And the joy in writing for me is following the story. I usually don’t know what’s coming next any more than anyone else. I gasped along with everyone else when Peter pushed Wade to his death in she’s not going to die today. I truly am the “I can’t wait to see what happens next 😃 oh shit I’m the one that has to write it 🫠” meme.

Except, when the story isn’t there, it’s not there. I don’t have a plot to follow or any notes on what happens next. I just have to sit there and stare at the blank screen. And that is, objectively, the worst.

16. What's the worst writing advice anyone ever gave you? Why was this terrible advice?

Anytime anyone tells me to plot anything I want to stab them through the temple. 🔪

Listen, maybe it’s not bad advice for everyone but it sure as shit was bad advice for me. If I have to sit down and plot out a story before I start writing I will either (a) get so in my own head about it that I won’t be able to write anything or (b) will already know what happens in the story and will immediately lose interest in writing it.

Sorry, kids, this brain is run on novelty.

17. What's the best writing advice anyone ever gave you? Why was this great advice?

Keep writing.

My fifth grade teacher told me that and I wish I could say that I listened to her, but I did not.

Sometimes I forget that writing is a skill and I took that for granted for a long time and just… didn’t… write. So when I finally came back to it, it felt like working a muscle that I’d neglected for years. There are a lot of things you can do to become a better writer but writing is the biggest one.

You don’t know what works (or what doesn’t) until you fucking write it down.

The more I write the better I get (I think) so if I had just kept writing…

[phone4pills]

WORRY ABOUT YOU Matt x sick!Reader

i don’t think there are any warnings

Matt rubbed your back gently, giving your forehead a kiss. “You okay?” He whispered, wanting to keep quiet because of your headache. All was silent in the dim room apart from the airy notes of your deep breaths.

You struggled quite a bit with migraines, most of which you dealt with alone. But when Matt came into the picture, your fear of being solitary during the sleepless nights and days of rotting in bed subsided. He would worry about you. You didn’t feel as though you had to explain every detail of your situation to him, and when you did tell him those things that you thought would go unmentioned otherwise, he’d listen intently.

Matt was a good listener. The kind that always found a way to understand what you were saying. It was so easy for him too. Naturally, he could hear you out. And he wasn’t the type to get bored and do something else, or forget what you said. Every comment you made, every phrase that revealed that little bit more about you stuck with him, like post-it notes on his brain.

“Yeah…” You pondered rather than answered. Because you didn’t really know. Your head was pounding, causing your vision to spin and blur relentlessly. Your grip on the plate of pasta in your lap became more intense as you attempted to ground yourself. You tried to remember the soft, cushioning of the sheets beneath you. The warm caress of Matt’s hand on your back. However, it was almost impossible to tell the difference between your mind and your body. The ringing in your ears wasn’t helpful either. Things were said that you couldn’t process before replying. You weren’t even sure if you’d said anything out loud or if it was all internal speech.

Matt raised his other hand, turning your chin so he could see your face and you could see his. His thumb caressed your jaw with utmost care. “You know you can tell me if you need something.” Despite the stern tone laced within his voice, Matt’s words brought warmth to your dull eyes. You truly did feel safe with him.

“I don’t know. I don’t think I can eat right now.” You stated, pushing the plate away from you. The walls around the room became less and less distinct as every piece of furniture folded and turned in your retinas. The more distorted everything became, the more you wished you hadn’t even woken up that day. The more you wished that each breath was a snore or better yet, a choke. You’d rather have been in need of air than have to witness the world contort in front of you. Behind you. On either side. All around you.

Matt took the plate from your grip with a feather-light touch, placing it on the bedside table. It sort of reeled you back in, reminding you of what was reality and what wasn’t. You could hear the warm water filling the bathtub in the en suite. You could see the plants on the window sill gently moving, leaves brushing each other. Matt spoke again. “C’mon, you should take a bath.”

Gonna keep it so real with you guys, it’s been a long week and I tried real hard to finish this one but I gave up. Hope you guys still enjoy what there is available. Plus there’s more in my MASTERLIST. Wanted to post something for you guys before I hit the sack. Nighty night!

- ©phone4pills

[kathysomething]

La fine di qualcosa di agrodolce

How do you tell someone that the reason you're sad is because you love them? The “what ifs” are consuming sometimes. Like what if I never forget you? What if, all my life, when I meet someone new I can never fall for them because they aren't you?

Heartbreak, it’s this heavy feeling that sinks in when you suddenly understand that you've fallen head over heels in love with someone you can't really be with. It's like a mix of emotions that hits you like a wave. Imagine your heart feeling this intense affection, but then you also understand that circumstances, maybe distance or other commitments, stand in the way. It's like wanting something so badly, yet seeing that it's just not meant to happen. It's a kind of heartache that's hard to put into words - a combination of yearning, sadness and a longing for something that might never be. You find yourself caught between the desire to be with them and the knowledge that it's just not possible. The idea of loving someone so deeply and not being able to fully experience it can be really tough. It's like holding onto a dream that feels just out of reach. You might catch yourself imagining scenarios where things could have been different, wondering how life took this turn. It's like having a beautiful story written in your heart, but the pages will never be fully read. You might wish that things were different, that circumstances would align in your favor. But sometimes, life has its own plans, and it's a hard pill to swallow. Yet, in the midst of this sadness, there's a sort of beauty in the depth of your feelings. It's a reminder of your capacity to love with all your heart, even when it hurts. It's a reminder that emotions can be messy and complicated and maybe, just maybe, that's what makes us human - our ability to love, even in the face of heartache. 

Love isn't just about the beautiful moments - the roses, the sweet kisses, and the laughter that fills the air. It's not always those cozy late-night talks that leave you smiling. Love isn't always a picture-perfect movie scene; sometimes, it's a heart-wrenching drama that leaves you shattered. Sometimes, love feels like watching your heart shatter into pieces. There are moments when love feels like tears and heartache. It's those moments when you're on the edge of falling apart, when tears flow freely and you're desperately wishing they'd stay. It's clinging to the hope that they won't walk away, that they won't let you drown in the emptiness that's left behind. And then there are those nights, the ones where the world is still and the clock strikes three in the morning. The tears come, and with them, questions that haunt your mind. You wonder why you weren't enough, what someone else had that you lacked. It's an ache that feels like a weight in your chest. Love isn't always a grand love story; sometimes, it's a painful tragedy. It's like watching a storm brew, feeling the thunder and lightning in your heart. It's yearning for someone who's no longer yours, yet desperately needing their presence. You see, love isn't just about happiness; sometimes, it's about agony. It's about learning that love has a darker side, one that can shatter you into fragments. It's like learning that not all endings are happy, not all stories are fairy tales. Love isn't always romantic; sometimes, it's a storm that sweeps through your life, leaving devastation in its wake.

Sometimes I wonder if it was a mistake. Loving someone so hard and getting so badly hurt in the process, but other times I know that I would never have known what love was if I didn't. There is beauty in loving someone even if they don't love you back the same way and for that I regret nothing. Someone once said to me if you want something very badly set it free, if it comes back to you it's yours forever, if it doesn't it was never yours to begin with - I really wish you would have came back.  

Leaving is easy; you just walk away and never look back. It is what comes after that they don't tell you about. I pray that you all receive a love so soft and so safe. And when it comes, may your heart recognize that the peace you feel is the answers you've been looking for. 

12/04/2023

[anon-sect]

Request for @inanimatetffantasies

Corey sat in the stands watching the intense first round of the wrestling competition. There were sixteen competitors in the competition. There was only one competitor that he was interested in winning the whole competition. Drake was the only competitor in a red singlet. Drake's match was the second in the first round, and he won it by submission. He had his opponent in a figure four headlock, forcing him to tap out.

When all the first round matches were done, they announced that there will be a brief break for the next set of rounds. At the beginning of the competition, all guest in the stands were given a special ticket. There was to be a drawing. The winning ticket holder would get an opportunity to have a meet and greet with one of the competitors of his or her choosing. When the winning ticket was announced, Corey could not believe his luck. He immediately went down to present his ticket to security to be let back into the locker room to meet Drake in person.

The locker room was cleared out for a private meet and greet. Corey walked in to see a six foot two inch tall Drake stepping forward to shake his hand. Drake encourged him to ask him any questions he wanted. Corey found Drake to be approachable and easy to talk with. Drake seem like a cool guy up close and in person.

While Corey was talking, Drake noticed a significantly large tear in his singlet that he didn't notice before. There was no way he could wrestle in his singlet like that. He wanted to win the competition. Sadly, he didn't bring a second one with him this time. How was he going to continue now in the competition. He needed a new singlet immediately. He then looked at his young excited fan. His solution came to mind immediatly.

"Corey, is it, I need your help with something." Drake asked, hoping Corey would be eager to help. "Anything" Corey responded back enthuastically. That made Drake smile. "You see I found this large tear in my singlet, and I need a new one to continue in the competition. But I didn't forsee this happening. I didn't bring a second one with me." Drake explained the situation to him. Corey was confused on how he could help in that way. He didn't know where to find a singlet for him. "I wish I could help, but I don't know how." Corey responded, disappointed that he couldn't help.

"You see, you can actually help if you are willing. I could turn you into a singlet and wear you for the rest of the competiton. After it's over, I will turn you back." Drake provided the solution to Corey. He couldn't believe what Drake was asking him. It was virtually impossible to turn people into clothing. Corey did find Drake's body hot, but would not mind spending some time on it. Yet, that was just an impossible fantasy. Corey decided to go along with the fantasy talk. "Sure, I will be your singlet." Corey just felt like it was no way possible for this to happen.

Drake smiled even more as he snapped his fingers to begin to transformation process. Corey immediately fell to the floor, unable to move. He felt this body began to deflate. He wanted to scream for help, but found that to be impossible. After he felt himself become flat and hallowed out, Corey could tell his body was taking on a new shape. Drake really was turning him into a singlet to wear on his body. Corey both wanted this in a weird way, yet hoped it would not be for a long time.

Drake reach down and picked up his new singlet off the floor. He felt satisfied. The material seemed durable enough to handle any kind of stretching it was going to have to endure. Drake took off his old singlet. As he was doing so the tear got worse. The old singlet was in now way usuable. After putting on his new singlet, Drake threw the old one in the trash. He took one quick picture of him in his new singlet before going back out to finish the competition.

Drake wrestled in the next several rounds as he made it all the way to the final match. He had forgotten the name of the fan he was currently wearing on his body. Corey on the other hand, was in a puturated hell and heaven at the same time. As Drake wrestled, he began to sweat. Corey was forced to absorb all that sweat without a choice in the matter. Body odor began to seep into his singlet body. He felt the stretching and pulling on his singlet body as he conformed to Drake's body and design. Some of it was actually painful. Yet also, he was enjoying being so close to Drake. He enjoyed seeing the action up close and personal. If only he didn't have the pain and sweat part, it would have been entirely enjoyable being Drake's singlet.

Drake had never felt such energy surge before while wrestling. No matter what happened, anything painful was being transferred into his singlet instead of his body. The singlet took on all his pain. Even his body felt dry as the singlet absorbed all the sweat from his body. The material stretched, but was never torn as his body moved. This fan was the best singlet he had ever worn. Drake already knew what would become of this fan, even if the fan didn't agree with it. He won the final match of the competition, thanks to his lucky fan. He would be going home tonight with more than just the trophy he just won.

Back in the locker room, Drake took off his singlet to go shower. He place the singlet in the locker. Corey was wondering when Drake was going to turn him back. The competition was over, but Drake didn't turn him, but only put stashed him in his locker. Corey began to wonder if Drake forgot the promise he made to him.

Drake got dressed after his shower and was packing things into his gym bag. He took the singlet out of the locker and smelled it. It needed to be clean. He decided to wash it when he got home. Before placing it in the gym bag, he spoke to his now unlucky fan. "If you are wondering if I forgot the promise, I didn't. I just have not intentions of fulfilling it. You are the best singlet I have ever worn. You kept me dry the entire time. You boosted my energy so that I wasn't tired at all. And the material you are is so durable, I don't think you could ever be torn." Drake paused for a moment. "After I won the trophy, I decided that I would keep you forever. I am sure your human life sucked anyway. You are much better off being my singlet for the rest of our life. And you honestly have no choice since you agreeed to be my singlet in the first place." Drake placed the fan in his gym back and zipped it up.

Corey wanted to call out for help, but he had no mouth to do so. He belong to Drake now and he could not stop him from doing so. He only wanted to experience it for the wrestling competition. He didn't want to be a singlet forever. Corey loved his human life and it was a great life. Seeing Drake rob him of it sadden Corey. But then Corey had to look on the only positive side of this situation, at least he gets to be on Drake's body everytime he wrestles. He got his fantasy, just not in the way he had anticipated.

[watchmegetobsessed]

NOSTALGIA (WF extra blurb)

⚫️A/N: some more of your fav emotional support sexy couple hehe

⚫️PAIRING: Professor!Harry X Reader

⚫️WORD COUNT: 1.4k

SERIES MASTERPOST | SUPPORT ME!

It’s a strange mixture of many feelings to return to the campus where your story with Harry started so many years ago. It was a random idea, the two of you spent the weekend away and he suggested you take a walk where it all started since the town was by the route you were taking on the way home.

The weekend was amazing, he took you to a cabin by a lake, it was just the two of you, away from the city and your usual life. Harry has been doing everything he could to spend as much time with you as possible, knowing well you won’t have much privacy once the baby comes. You’re nearing the end of the seventh month, your bump growing each day as you get closer to becoming first time parents.

Now as he parks down behind the building where his office was, almost in the exact same spot he usually used back then, a strong wave of nostalgia hits you. Every memory still lives vividly in your mind and it feels comical but also emotional to think back at those times. It’s hard to imagine what life was like when you weren’t married with a baby on the way. God, if only your past self knew this would be your future! 

Harry gets out of the car and rushes to your side right away to help you out like the gentleman that he is. Your soft hand holds onto his as you lift yourself up from the seat and out of the car, your bump making the process a bit more tiring than it usually is.

“There you go,” he mumbles, kissing your cheek as he shuts the car door and locks it before linking your hands together and starting your little walk down memory lane.

The campus is quiet and kind of empty since it’s the weekend, you only see lingering students near the building that holds the library and the dormitories. The green areas that lie between the pavements connecting the buildings are empty, but you still remember how everyone liked to lie in the soft grass when the weather was warm enough, and sunbathe between classes. 

“It’s weird, isn’t it?” Harry hums, his hand squeezing yours gently.

“Feels so long ago.”

“Because it was a long time ago,” he chuckles. 

“I know, but I still remember everything so clearly. Do you?” you ask, smiling at him warmly.

“Yeah, kinda. But I remember everything that happened with you like it was yesterday,” he adds with a cheeky smirk.

“Oh, yeah? All the dirty stuff we did in your office?” you giggle, bumping your shoulder against his as you stroll through the campus.

“It’s hard to forget anything when there’s a whole book about them,” he snorts with a belly laugh. “Do you think anyone from campus read it and knows it happened here?”

“I think some might have read it and wished it was their reality, but I don’t think anyone knows it happened here and to us.”

“Maybe just the dean who saw the pictures,” he adds with a huff.

“I don’t think he reads that genre,” you smile at him and leaning closer you steal a quick kiss.

As you pass by the building where your Creative Writing class was held, you can’t hold your smile back, thinking of all the times you sat in class and daydreamed about your hot professor. If someone told you back then that Harry would end up being your husband you would have told them to check themselves into treatment. 

“I remember the day I came to class after you sent your assignment in,” Harry speaks up, a wondering smile stretched across his lips as he stares up at the building. “I had no fucking clue how to handle it,” he admits chuckling. “Because on one side, I knew it was so wrong, but on the other… I was so turned on by what you wrote.”

“You handled it pretty well. I felt like I wanted to die right on spot,” you laugh, recalling the way you felt when you realized you submitted the wrong document.

“It’s still the best mistake you made to this day,” he looks down at you, then his eyes wander down to your bump and you see that familiar shine in them again that barely left his gaze since you told him you were expecting. He is obsessed with the idea of becoming a father and especially it all happening with you. He tells it to you every chance he has, making sure you feel loved and appreciated.

“Yeah, but what do we tell her when she gets older and asks how we met?” you ask, running a hand down your stomach. “It’s not exactly a story we can share with her.”

“You’re right,” he wrinkles his nose. “We can tell her… that we met at work? Well, I was at work, so it’s only half a lie,” he chuckles.

“Do you want to tell her you were my professor?” you ask curiously. 

“Do you?” he returns the question to you. 

“I don’t know,” you admit. “Are you… are you ashamed of how we met?” you ask and the question has been lingering in your mind for a while now. 

“I could never be ashamed of anything that’s  connected to you. Except how big of an asshole I was when we broke up,” he adds with a sigh.

“So you don’t think it’s awkward when we tell people I was your student?”

“It wasn’t an ideal situation, but it brought so much joy into my life. I could never hide it from anyone. You’re my wife, my partner, we’ll be a little family soon, I feel nothing but pride about what I have.”

Normally, you wouldn’t get so emotional over his words, but your hormones have been all over the place and you can feel the tears bubbling in your eyes. Your sniffles catch his attention and he looks at you in panic, thinking he said or did something he shouldn’t have.

“Baby, what’s–”

“I’m crying because I’m happy,” you tell him right away as he grabs a tissue from his pocket and hands it over to you. “Sorry, I’m just really touched by… you!” you tell him chuckling through your tears. “You always talk so fondly about me and it just reassures me that I made the right choices in my life and ended up exactly where I need to be. With you.”

Harry exhales softly as he looks down at you, emotional, a little messy, but so beautiful and glowing from happiness, your baby growing under your heart.

“C’mere, my love,” he murmurs softly, cradling your face in his hands as he kisses you softly and slowly.

Pulling back you wipe your tears and smile up at him before you continue your walk. You talk about your memories you have together but also separate ones. He tells you about when he first started working at the university, how odd it felt that he wasn’t that much older than his students, but eventually grew up to be a professor. It’s hard to think of a version of him that’s not as confident as he always was. He was a great professor and his classes were always amazing and part of that was because he just knew what he was doing. 

You tell him about your freshman year, all the parties you went to and then you muse about how you can’t even imagine going out after 7 o’clock now, because you fall asleep so early and sleep for at least ten hours every day. 

No one who you come across really knows who you are or who you were, they walk right past you and only see a happy couple and not what you had to go through to get here. Your past is so far behind, it has no effect on your life today and though what happened back in the days is the reason why you’re here now, you’re glad you could move past all of that. 

“Ready to go home?” he asks and brings your hand to his lips, kissing the back of it as you’re heading back to the car.

“Yeah, I’m tired,” you sigh and Harry already knows you’ll be asleep the moment your head hits the pillow, no matter how relaxing the weekend was. 

The rest of the drive back to the city is quiet, he occasionally hums along with the radio and you fall asleep at one point, so he needs to wake you up when you finally arrive. You make it into your home half asleep and Harry helps you take a quick shower before the two of you fall into bed, your unpacked suitcase forgotten and ignored in the hallway. Harry keeps you tight in his arms, the last waves of his nostalgia dying down as he settles in the present that can’t be more perfect.

Thank you for reading, please like and reblog if you enjoyed and buy me a coffee if you want to support me!

[adoringhaikyuu]

they reject you and regret it afterwards

CHARACTERS: kuroo + iwaizumi + osamu + (gn!reader)

REQUEST: pspspsps i hope its okay if i drop my request here since i saw that yours are open :D can you maybe do how kuroo, iwaizumi and osamu rejects reader confession ( they are best friend ) because they have feelings for another person but later they regret it when they moved on? i love it when the boys realize it later how much the reader means to them but y/n took the chance to move on and have a sexy glow up ✋😩 yessss i wanna see them suffer at the end >:) • by anonymous

WARNINGS: dumb boys hurting your feelings and you hurting them right back :/

NOTES: i feel like i’m not too good at writing angst lol but i made these blurbs instead of hcs! 

kuroo let you down easy, not wanting to hurt your feelings––to be honest he did feel something for you, but he wasn’t sure if it was what you wanted it to be. he felt more certain of the feelings he had for someone else. someone you slowly watched him admire from afar until he worked up the courage to start joking with them, then offering to buy them lunch and so on. 

you still remember the awkward smile he gave you when you confessed to him, the smile that absolutely broke you because it showed you how much he didn’t want you the way you wanted him. not enough to give up his efforts with someone else. “i’m flattered y/n, but i’m sorry i just––you know i have a date this week...” 

you’d looked down immediately, unable to look him in the eyes longer and swallowed back the lump in your throat that was aching to come up in a sob. “yeah yeah, i’m sorry i just––let’s forget this ever happened, yeah?”

you gave him your most convincing smile and he agreed, wanting everything to be normal between the two of you.

but it wasn’t until he’d gone on a few dates with them to realize that it didn’t feel right. it didn’t feel familiar, the way he thought it would. it wasn’t the same comfort he felt in your presence. when they texted him, he didn’t feel the same burst of happiness he felt when you messaged him. he tried to wait it out, to see if things would change, but they didn’t. they just weren’t you.

it’d been a few weeks since you’d confessed and gotten rejected, but you decided to move on instead of dwelling on his unrequited feelings––it wouldn’t do you any good to wallow and weep over your best friend. you wanted him to be happy, and you deserved to be too. so you knocked yourself out of that sad headspace and changed yourself up a bit. you started to value yourself better than you did before, you dressed the way you wanted to but were always afraid of doing and everything about you just brightened up. and other people noticed as well. 

kuroo had kind of been too preoccupied to notice, if he was being honest. he didn’t realize what he had in front of him until he practically sprinted over to your place to surprise you and be honest about his feelings. you opened the door, already dressed up and kuroo took a step back, eyes widening as they took you in. did you always look this breathtaking?

“wow...”

you smiled gratefully, straightening out your clothes. “thanks, that’s what i was going for.” you walked back into your apartment to get your shoes, “not that i mind but what are you doing here?” 

he blinked out of his trance and stepped in, closing the door behind him. “oh i just––i brought us some food.” he raised the bag he was holding even though you weren’t facing him. “i was kinda hoping we could spend some time together...” he scratched the back of his head, “maybe talk about a few things...” he trailed off when something clicked in his head as he watched you slip your shoes on. “wait why are you all dressed up?” 

you turned and looked at him apologetically, “oh...i’m sorry kuroo,” you paused, “i actually have somewhere to be. can i take a raincheck?”

he opened his mouth for a few seconds as he watched you, but no sound came out. “oh um...well could i just––wait here? until you get back?” 

you looked to the side awkwardly bringing one hand up to hold your other arm. “it’s just that...i might not be alone when i come back.”

as soon as you uttered those words, he could feel his heartbeat falter in his chest, a faint ringing noise in his ears. 

“...a date?” 

you nodded with a smile and though it’s selfish, he felt a part of him dim on the inside when he noticed how excited you were. he didn’t really have a right to stop you now did he, not when you chose his happiness over your own what felt like way long ago. so he wouldn’t.

he nodded as well, “oh” he forced a smile onto his face and stepped back towards the door, “that’s exciting. i’m happy for you, really.” he turned the door knob, “i’ll catch up with you some other time then, yeah? you’ll tell me how it went.” he looked at you one last time, his gaze wavering under the undeterred happiness radiating from you.

when he finally stepped out and closed your door, all the emotions hit him at once. he didn’t know what hurt the most, the fact that he was too late, or the fact that you didn’t stop him, didn’t notice the pleading look in his eyes as he silently begged you to stay with him. 

iwaizumi froze when you told him how you felt. it was the smallest reaction you’d ever seen from him before, the calmest––yet it did anything but soothe you. you could see the hesitation in his eyes, the uncertainty of what to say next in the way his mouth opened but produced no sound. you already knew what he was going to say.

he will admit, seeing the tears in your eyes that you barely managed to blink back when he rejected you did strike a blow to his heart. but he just couldn’t tell you what you wanted to hear, he wouldn’t lie to you. “i––i’m sorry y/n i just...don’t feel the same.” 

his eyes were apologetic, almost pitiful as he watched you take a step back, “right, right. that’s––that’s okay.” you tried to smile but it felt more like a grimace. “i just didn’t want to keep it to myself, that’s all. i’m sure i’ll get over it soon.” he nodded but wasn’t sure what else to say. so he didn’t say anything. 

things were a little awkward for a couple weeks between the two of you, but you didn’t want to lose your friendship, so you eventually moved on. 

it wasn’t until one day you were at the café you always went to together that you noticed him taking longer than usual to bring back your drinks. you looked over to see him chatting with the barista, both of them with nervous smiles on their faces. he came back a few minutes later with a note in his pocket that you assumed was the barista’s number and a blush on his cheeks. he placed your drink in front of you, eyes looking down, and didn’t mention anything, probably since he didn’t want to rub it in, so you didn’t bring it up either. 

but you did wonder if they were the reason he didn’t feel the same for you––you wondered if they weren’t in the picture, if he would have fallen for you instead. 

he didn’t want to hide anything from you, so he told you when he had a date coming up. you wished him luck and told him you hoped he’d have a good time and that was that. 

they ended up dating but you didn’t mind. he seemed happy and you truly did want the best for him. you started focusing on yourself and eventually found a boyfriend, one who appreciated you and loved you and you couldn’t ask for more. 

iwaizumi was happy for you as well, but he couldn’t ignore this piercing feeling he felt when he first heard the news, then when he would see you two together, on your double dates, at parties, anywhere, really. something just ticked him off. he knew he didn’t have a right to feel this way, but he couldn’t help it, couldn’t make sense of it. he couldn’t even figure out what it meant. 

only once he realized the ache he felt in his chest when you smiled at your boyfriend the way you used to smile at him, the pull at his heart when you kissed his cheek, completely enamored. only then did he realize that he was jealous, that he’d made a mistake, that he’d lost the one chance he had of being with his soulmate. 

osamu had just gotten his new restaurant, he was achieving his goals, living his life without fear, and you took inspiration from that. you decided to be upfront about your brewing feelings and ask him out just as he put the finishing touches in the establishment.

he was wiping down the counter as you sat at the bar, swallowing your nerves as you watched him. “hey samu?”

he hummed and glanced up at you for a second before looking back to what he was doing. 

you took a deep breath, “would you maybe...want to go out to eat tomorrow?” 

he didn’t look up, but his brows furrowed, “yeah? why are you even asking?” 

you paused, of course he wouldn’t realize what you meant, you guys ate together all the time. you blinked a few times before clearing your throat, “um i just––i meant as a...date?” 

this time, he paused, well more like froze. he kept his eyes on the counter, his face blank, but you could tell he was internally processing everything. did he hear you right? “what?” 

you considered taking it back, but you had a feeling he did hear you, he just wasn’t sure how to respond. “um...i asked if you wanna go on a date? with me...”

he nodded and straightened up, “right.” he brought a hand up to scratch the back of his head, finally looking at you and the look in his eyes was enough to make your wavering confidence crumble. “i sort of have my eye on someone else right now...” you nodded, trying not to let the tears form in your eyes. he went on, “my new neighbor needed to borrow something and we got to talking...was thinking of asking them out, actually.” that was the final twist of the knife. 

“oh...” your voice was small ”thats––that’s great!” you smiled but kept your eyes cast down, “forget what i asked i just...wanted to see what you’d say haha,” you tried to play it off as a joke, “i got you!” 

he stared at you silently for a few seconds, clearly contemplating whether or not he believed you, but in the end, he let it go. 

you never brought up that night ever again, but you thought about it constantly. it haunted you, in a way. of course the one time you’re finally able to speak up about your feelings, it backfired. 

you were in a very upsetting and self deprecating headspace for a while, wondering if this was your sign to never make the first move, if you were the problem. it took you a little while to snap out of it, but once you did, you realized your worth and stopped looking at the world through a grey lens––you felt like you’d bloomed as a person. 

things didn’t go very far with osamu and his neighbor, but you didn’t take that as an opportunity to try again with him, you didn’t want to wait around for him, even though you thought about it for a second at first––you learned to respect yourself more. 

meanwhile, your best friend was beside himself, going through the process of reflection and realization. it’s not that he was desperate after a failed relationship, it’s more so that he suddenly realized he had someone perfect right by him all these years––it only made sense. but he was too stupid to realize that, to realize that he cared about you as more than a friend. he had foolishly mistaken his feelings for you as caring for a friend––you two had been inseparable since you were kids, he couldn’t even notice when his feelings shifted from caring for a friend to loving his best friend. 

he decided to talk to you about it, it’d only been a few months since you’d joked? about going on a date with him, but part of him felt confident that you might have meant it for real. he was sure you’d be open to it still. he called you during his break at work and found himself smiling as soon as he heard your voice. 

“hey samu what’s up?” 

he started to answer, but he trailed off when he heard you laughing at an unfamiliar voice in the background. “hey...just wanted to talk. what are you uh up to?” 

he heard you shush whoever was with you. “nothing much.” he heard you sit down.” i can’t stay for long but what did you want to talk about? i’m all ears.”

he was going to brush it off, maybe it was just a friend, but when he heard a faint ‘babe’ and what sounded like a small kiss on the other end, that was all he needed to confirm his suspicions. “yeah i just...i’ll actually call you back later, okay?”

you paused on the other end, most likely confused, but you let him go nonetheless. 

osamu sat there in his office at the back of his restaurant, surrounded by silence, complete disbelief and an indescribable ache running through his body. was he really too late? 

[genshin-impact-fics]

Streamer!Genshin Meeting Character!(Y/n) for the First Time

Characters: Scaramouche, Childe, Albedo, Kaeya, Venti

Scaramouche:

His viewers were constantly requesting that he play this game that’s been out for a little while now that was called Genshin Impact. So he finally gave in to see what all the talk was about

Getting through the tutorial and the first part of the chapter felt so long; visually it was beautiful as the story was pretty decent so far.

It wasn’t until he got to Liyue in the archon quest that things seemed to pick up for him. The character who saved him from almost getting arrested kind of irked him; it reminded him of his one roommate who was a rich kid type.

It wasn’t till the release of the event Unreconciled Stars that once again many of his followers flooded his messages telling him he needed to play the event during his streams so they could see his reaction to meeting a new character.

Curiosity peaked after hearing a bit that the character would be an electro catalyst. Which he started to play it instead of holding off for a few days; honestly he really wasn’t expecting much

It was until he finally saw you appear; he was a bit surprised as you weren’t exactly how he pictured you yet you looked cute but in a cool way? A little more of the interaction he’s a little on the fence on how he feels about you but he was interested in where this event was going, there was something just a little bit… off

Progressing he was a little bit bummed since he thought there would have been a bit more interaction with you. That was until he was back in Mondstadt with Mona who was helping solve this mystery when pleasantly surprised that you’ve showed up. Until Mona seemed to have some sort of revelation that caused her to teleport them all out of there

Needless to say he wasn’t happy that he was taken away from seeing you. “Excuse me you bring me back,” was his initial reaction but continued to watch when it was more clear that you were there to kill him. You were that other harbinger; number six of the fatui harbingers and the moment you snapped at one of the agents, you had instantly become one of his absolute favorites.

Childe:

Though his viewers have been requesting to play the soon released game Genshin Impact he has actually been long awaiting for this game.

To celebrate the release it was going to be a long stream as he’s stocked up on water and energy drinks and snacks. He’s definitely planning to do a giveaway for his viewers (though he won’t bring it up until he finally unlocks the wishing feature)

He enjoyed the plot so far as the conflict with Dvalin has been resolved but now the ameno archon’s gnosis was stolen by some woman who appeared out of nowhere. Soon to learn about the fatui group and their eleven harbingers

Off to Liyue at long last! There’s been chatter of one character that shows up fairly early in the quest and he is very curious to encounter whoever this character was

He was finally at the part where Rex Lapis came crashing down from the sky dead and now was sneaking to get to the exit. Definitely took him a couple of times and in the process of it all he was certainly singing the whole “Don’t be suspicious, don’t be suspicious” song

Finally getting the cutscene where his character gets chased after unfortunately making sound. When things looked like it was going to turn into a fight he was surprised when hearing a new voice say “I got this one sweetie”. His mouth has dropped in pure awe of watching your character flip from above appearing out of thin air as you handled the Millelith with ease

Hearing you say follow me he had such a grin on his face; “Don’t gotta ask me twice I’ll follow you anywhere”. Of course his viewers in chat were raving and just spamming the laughing emote as the cutscene continued in a safe place

Looking at your character model admiring you as the reveal that you were a part of the harbingers but seemed to be rather friendly. “You guys I’m in love. (Y/n) better be a playable character at some point… I’ll be sad if I don’t get to travel the world with them” he says as when he finds out you're rich his initial thought was “So are they going to spoil me or do I get to spoil them? Cuz I really want it to be the second one” He hadn’t known you for long but he already wants to give you the world

Venti:

He was mainly known for his streams where he’ll sing or perform some of the instruments he enjoys and many of the games he’d play were a lot of rhythm games or one of the hilarious simulator games; so for him to pick up Genshin Impact it’s a little outside of the typical games he’ll usually play

He really loves the music so far, if the music wasn’t to his liking he’d probably drop it. Will probably take a moment to just listen to it and talk about what possible instruments used to compose it

After running around the world and looking for chests and whatever materials he saw along the way. He suddenly saw the big dragon fly over head and now making his way to the whispering woods to look for the feathered looking dragon

The cut scene started and there was the dragon on a rock but then he saw you; he doesn’t know anything about you but having seen you in some of the images that the company released he’s been interested in your character!

During your moment with your old friend had was making this face 🥺 but then that was when the snapping sound echoed causing the dragon to freak out and leave in a gust of wind. “Noooo I’m so sorry” he’s shouting at the screen when he watched the expression on your face turn sad before you seemed to just vanish

Has been bummed out since he hadn’t seen your character in a while until he saw you running with a lyre in your hand, he only fell in more love with you as he was running around with you trying to get the holy lyre from the church

Albedo:

It had been a while since more of the story was out but of course he’d play to do his commissions and gather materials he needed, but when his viewers showed him the announcement of the newest section of the map will be released; oh there was a new temperature mechanic that if it was too cold that his characters could freeze to death

Generally that would be fine… but he enjoys stopping and admiring the scenery which he easily gets distracted so he’s probably going to keep forgetting to stand by fire a lot

But the best part of all: they were introducing you, the chief alchemist of the Knights of Favonius. The one that was talked about by so many characters in their voice lines he finally was going to get a face to the name

He was already not liking that the so called ‘nun’ was insinuating that you weren’t trustworthy; the AUDACITY! Sure he hadn’t known your character long but he will defend you wholeheartedly, you have this charismatic to you that he’s just smitten

“If one day, I lose control… Destroy Mondstadt… Destroy everything… Can I rely on you to stop me?” After hearing that last line he needs a minute to take a double take to make sure he heard that correctly. “I swear if this is some sort of indication of something bad happening and I have to fight (y/n) I will not be happy,” he’s saying of course looking to his camera

Kaeya:

So many of his viewers were requesting that he play Genshin Impact as of course it would be a little different from the games he’s played in the past (Ya can’t tell me he wouldn’t have played Huniepop and doki doki literature club), but the idea of attractive characters in the game? He’s sold as the few characters he saw pictures of it seemed promising.

So he starts streaming it and all is going smoothly so far… Until it was time to learn about gliding right before Stormterror attacks and the mini flying fight happened

Once the cutscene starts he’s watching leaning back in his chair a bit until a clapping sound starts and that’s when everyone in chat was losing it and spamming the heart eyes emotes. Seeing you come into the shot he’s got a small little smirk; you were hot. He only seemed to love your character even more after hearing that you were the cavalry captain

When it came time to do your trail quest (which of course was the first one he went to do) he’s very much looking at your design and admiring your charming features. He asks his viewers if he leaves the domain if he gets to keep you or if you were one of the five stars that he’d have to wish for, spoilers don’t really bother him if he really wants to know what happens.

Seeing your summon art once he left he’s ecstatic that you will be forever in his team and once he’s able to he’s going farming so he can build you up

[genderqueerdykes]

we are a transmasculine system that recently turned 18- now that we have the ability to begin taking medical steps in our transition, we’ve been struggling a bit with figuring out exactly what it is we want in this process.

we were wondering if you’d be willing to share your experiences as a system in deciding what was best for you. it’s strange because i feel we would experience dysphoria in any body, as is the nature of plurality. we’ve identified as transmasculine since before we knew we were a system, and i feel like it complicates things a bit in the sense that it’s hard to make decisions that will impact the body, and therefore us as a collective.

when we think of our future, we always picture ourselves having made steps to transition medically. and we still want to, it’s not necessarily that we’re having doubts about it. it’s more like… figuring out collective identity? we switch fronters very often and no longer have a host, so making big decisions is difficult for us. we usually base things on our mask/singletsona or what our old host would do/feel, but recently we’ve been drifting away from that.

basically, we wanted to ask if you had any advice for transitioning as a system. it feels difficult to choose a direction to move in because of our plurality.

we also want to thank you from the bottom of our heart- we’ve been following you for a little while and appreciate everything you’ve shared about yourselves. a lot of your posts have been a huge comfort to us and helped us accept ourself more. we wish you the best and thank you for providing a space for these kinds of questions to be asked. 💚

i'm glad you're taking the time to question things and figure stuff out, it can be extremely hard to figure out what the right course of action is when you're a system! i'm glad you decided to ask

for us, it's definitely been a bit challenging, given that we are a rather big system (close to 100 members), so at times it's hard to find something that fits everyone! when we came out as genderqueer at first, we were not aware of being a system. we found out we were a system in about 2013 - 2014 or so, and started testosterone the following year. at the time, our system host was a binary guy and a lot of our other alters were as well, and we were also living with people who were very anti-nonbinary, so at the time, it made sense to us to seek binary male transition. plus, we were in a time in our life where we were feeling very isolated and alone, and a lot of our tougher, more masculine protector alters were fronting, so it was a way for them to be themselves while they were looking after us.

for a few years we dressed and tried to pass as a binary cis guy- nothing terribly exciting. the folks we were living with who were anti-nonbinary were also anti-system (my best friend at the time was aware of DID and plurality and was very against it), so we had to try to appear to be 1 cohesive person as best as we were able to. looking back on it, this entire phase of our transition was entirely for safety, we weren't really living the way we wanted to quite yet, this was the phase in time where we were transitioning almost entirely for safety and didn't really get the chance to think about it terribly hard

we had a * lot * of internalized misogyny that we had to work on over the years, and it took a long time for any female members of our system to start surfacing, and it took quite a long time for our nonbinary members to feel more comfortable talking about themselves. once we moved away from the people in our life who were forcing us to identify as a binary man, we realized that some of us are men, but we don't Always feel like one on the whole. this was the first time that we actually got to question what our identity actually was, and if we were actually a binary guy, or if we were passing for safety

in recent months thanks to that healing, we've had members of our system of every gender surfacing, and it's been a bit confusing to try to figure out what we should try to present as outwardly, as in, when a stranger meets us, what should we tell them? we've started to realize that for us, one gender and mode of presentation to try to describe so many people just won't cut it. we've found solace in the terms bigender, genderfluid & genderqueer, because of this! we are evolving and changing, and it's okay if our presentation or labels do from day to day

for us, every single member in the system unanimously agreed to take testosterone, due to how we see our body, and being intersex and hating being denied our testosterone. top surgery took us a while to decide on, we have all finally decided on yes, but it's okay if you have to waffle a bit to decide those things! our presentation changes from day to day depending on who's fronting, and that's okay! sometimes we have femme days, sometimes butch days, sometimes guy days, drag days, girl days- we embrace the chaos!

ultimately, i'd say try to poll everyone as best as you're able to, and see what types of features they'd like the body to have/they would feel the most comfortable with, and see how people want to present. if you're able to get an idea of how most people see themselves in the body, you can see what are the most commonly shared traits and desires amongst everyone, and you can go from there trying to make a decision.

presentation is very mutable, but hormones and surgery do take some time to figure out if they're right and can't be easily flip flopped back and forth on. so i'd say if you find that the majority of your system members are okay with or want HRT or surgery, or feel like that body would be closer to theirs, you're headed in the right direction! it doesn't have to be everyone, obviously, there are usually cases where a few aren't on board with it, but it can be very hard to get a unanimous decision.

that was so long omg. we hope that helps!! take care of yourselves, we wish you good luck in figuring things out! ^ _ ^ being a system is very confusing and can be difficult to navigate, we hope you're able to sort things out and figure out what's best for you all!

[eloquent-vowel]

I have had a few bucky x read fic ideas bouncing around in my head and i cant write! So here is one,

Sam find a person who stairs and doesnt talk a whole lot because they uses ✨telepathy ✨. So Sam think they would be a good fit for Bucky, but he doesn’t know they have that power he just thinks they are mute. Then there is a thing where the reader is telling Buck how it works and they if they have something to connect them together like an object *reader motions to dog tags* they can have an unbreakable mind link. Then they fall in love or something. This is dumb, thank you for coming to my TedTalk

Hey! Thank you so much for this request, it wasn't dumb at all. I really enjoyed writing this. I may have gotten a bit carried away, this may sit close to 4000 words but we vibe. I hope this is what you had in mind! Please enjoy! <3

Click here for my masterlist of other fics and check in my bio for requests if anyone wishes to ask!

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Bucky had been enjoying a moments peace, he loved working with Sam but sometimes all he wanted was to put his feet up, put on some vinyl and enjoy a good cup of coffee all while reading a brilliant book. He had been trying to get into Game of Thrones lately, on Sam’s insistence, and he had been enjoying it. With the crackles of Glenn Miller from the turntable he missed the clunky footsteps coming up the stairs.

The sight that greeted Sam needed to be photographed. Bucky was lounging back on his ‘old man armchair’ feet up, hair in a towel, in a bathrobe, coffee in hand and facemask on, this was definitely one for the family album.

At the sound of the phone shutter Bucky practically launched himself out of the chair.

“Oh, you are never gonna live this one down old boy, it’s going to haunt you.” Sam almost cackled evilly as he began to email the photo to himself- he had learnt the hard way that Bucky was very proficient at breaking phones.

“You better not upload that photo anywhere, Wilson, I have a reputation to uphold.”

“Pfft, reputation, that’s funny.”

Bucky scoffed as he stood up, placing his book carefully on the side table, “Big scary super soldier, people hardly run-in fear from a guy in a bathrobe.”

“I disagree, a man in a bathrobe is definitely something you should run from. AH NOPE!” Sam jumped backwards, on top of a nearby chair, as Bucky lunged for the phone, towel turban falling off in the process. “You are not breaking this phone as well.”

“Fine. But you gotta promise not to post that anywhere.” Bucky huffed.

“I won’t.”

“Good.”

“As long as- “

“Oh no, I’m not doing anything for you.”

“Think of it as payment for the last phone you broke and insurance for this picture.”

There was silence for a moment as the two friends eyed each other up. Sam raised his eyebrows, Bucky’s eyes narrowed. It was an intense staring match between a guy in a bathrobe and a precariously balanced man. A clock ticked.

“Fine.” Bucky conceded. “What do you want?”

“For you to come to a meeting.”

“The families of Veterans ones?”

“Yeah.” Sam slowly started climbing down from the chair. “And before you get your old man pants in a twist, I’m not trying to force you to talk or anything, kinda.”

“Kinda?” Suspicion laced through Bucky’s voice.

“You know sign language, right?”

“Which kind?”

“American? I think?”

“Yeah, I know ASL, might be a bit rusty but I’m sure it still holds up. Why do you ask?”

Sam shifted slightly on his feet, “There’s this person, they come in every week and listen. I tried to talk to them, but they communicate through sign language, and I don’t have anyone there to talk with them.” He cast his eyes to the floor, “I feel bad. They were brave enough to come to the group only to basically be ignored ‘because we didn’t plan well enough.”

Bucky smiled, face mask crinkling around his smile lines, “You could have just asked me to Sam. You didn’t have to blackmail me into this, of course I’ll help. When’s the next meeting?”

“This evening. You gonna be ready or do you need some more ‘me’ time.”

Bucky simply chuckled at Sam’s teasing tone, patted his shoulder making sure to squeeze just a bit too hard before retreating to his room.

“I’ll be there, Wilson, and I will look so much younger than you!”

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It was frustrating to you, going along to these meetings and not being able to communicate. You could always speak into someone’s mind but all that usually accomplished was a very paranoid person. But just listening to other’s stories really helped the grief from losing someone so close to you. You related to most of the people there and even though they didn’t understand you a lot of the time, you were always made to feel welcome- with friendly pats on the back and the odd tissue thrown your way.

You bustled into the familiar building with a new sense of excitement as Sam had promised to bring a translator for you this week. It was finally time to say your thanks to some of the people there and finally let the group know about your brother, so that it wasn’t only you that remembered him.

You all but ran through the hallways until you caught sight of a familiar smiling man. Sam was facing you, talking animatedly to another man, the strangers back was to you. He was tall, broad shouldered and dressed in a vintage looking leather jacket and rather well fitted trousers. Now the debate was: does the tailoring make the ass, or does the ass make the tailoring. You were halfway through the arguments on either side when Sam shouting your name disrupted the intense debating in your mind. You blushed at being caught, then blushed some more when you caught sight of the stranger’s face. Twinkling blue eyes under a deep-set brow should have made him intimidating, but he was smiling, and his face was dazzling. There was an immediate fluttering in your stomach.

“Hey, I’m Bucky.” Dear lord even his voice was nice, what made you smile even more was the fact that he signed as he spoke. Well, Sam certainly knew how to pick them well. “Sam introduced me; said you wanted an interpreter.”

You nodded as you signed back, “Nice to meet you, thank you for helping out.”

“No problem, Sam has told me a bit about you.”

“Good things I hope.”

“Okay I recognise my own name, you two better not be conspiring against me.” Sam piped up, to be honest you had forgotten about him for a moment.

Bucky laughed, and it sent a little thrill down you, he really was adorable.

“No worries, Wilson, just letting them know all your dirty little secrets.”

“Right, you two get in there, before you make me sleep with one eye open.”

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You and Bucky caught each other’s eye, his eyes were twinkling with mischief, and you couldn’t help the smile that overtook you. You had a feeling that the two of you would get on just fine.

The meeting passed easily. Bucky translated your signs and you finally felt like you could actually take part in these meetings. Everyone listened intently when you spoke of your brother and when you had thanked the whole group for being so open to you a couple of people shed a tear. By the end of the meeting though you were tired and very accepting of Bucky’s offer to walk you home.

It was a lot of side glances and hidden smiles and you walked side by side. Drawn to each other under the moonlit sky, it was nice to just be in the presence of someone who had such a kind aura. You spent the walk trying to work up the confidence to sign something, anything but nothing came to mind and Bucky seemed quite content to just walk in comfortable silence.

You soon reached your home, you turned to Bucky with a smile on your face and signed,

“Thanks for today, Bucky. You were really helpful.”

“No problem.” He signed back,

You hesitated slightly before signing, “Would you be happy to have a coffee with me, tomorrow?”

Bucky went a little red in the face, and chuckled, “I would love to, I know a nice place, real cosy. I’ll text you the details.”

“You know how to text?”

“Hey! I get enough stick from Sam, don’t need you getting on my case too. I’ll have you know that I am very adaptable.”

“Sure, Sure.” You smiled at his flustered tone. “I’ll wait for your text then, have a good evening.”

“You too.”

The two of you stared slightly awkwardly at each other, neither wanting to be the first to turn around. You shuffled your feet away slowing, smiling awkwardly once more at Bucky before turning. You heard his footsteps start to fade away as you walked towards your home. You were but three steps to the door when a large figure in a hoodie slammed into you, you raised your arms instinctively to block them when you noticed your shoulder was lighter. The bastard had stolen your bag.

You immediately took chase, chasing around the corner you just walked down but they were fast, faster then you at least. As you rounded the corner you caught sight of Bucky walking ahead. The thief wouldn’t stand a change against him. Without a second thought you cast your thoughts towards Bucky,

“Bucky! Thief! My Bag! Behind you!”

You saw Bucky flinch slightly then turn bewildered, his eyes widening when he saw you hurting towards him, chasing the hooded figure. He caught on and launched after the thief as well, with barely any effort he knocked the thief to the ground, grabbed your bag and whipped out his phone to call the cops.

Well, that was hot.

You took your bag back, immediately checking that you brother’s lucky coin was in the zippy pocket, to your relief it was still there. You looked up to see Bucky staring at you with a very puzzled look on his face. You sighed before casting your thoughts to his head once more,

“I’ll explain later.”

Bucky let out a strange, decompressed noise of shock, it made you giggle. The two of you waited in silence until the police came and took the thief away. The police car had barely driven away when he turned to you.

“Did you just, talk in my head? Or did my conscious just suddenly get really loud.”

“I did. Hi. Sorry about that.”

He waved his hands dismissively. “Believe it or not, not the weirdest thing I’ve encountered.”

“Well, that’s reassuring.”

There was an awkward silence.

“So,” You started, resorting back to sign language, it felt less invasive, “Still down for coffee?”

Bucky smiled, “One hundred percent. I’ll see you tomorrow?”

“Yeah. Bye Bucky. Thanks for getting my bag back.”

“No problem, see ya.”

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

The coffee shop that Bucky invited you to, was tucked away, it was the kind of place that you would stumble over on accident. With a simple door and a big window out the front, that lead soft orange light filter out onto the alley. There was the faint sound of jazz leaking out of the building, you smirked. It was such an old fashioned place, of course this was where Bucky frequented.

The bell tinkled slightly as you entered the café, where you were greeted with the smell of fresh coffee and baked goods. You caught sight of Bucky’s broad shoulders sitting in the corner, and you made your way over to him, smiling at the barista as you passed.

As if sensing you, Bucky turned to smile and wave. He was dressed in casual clothes like last time, but this time his hair was loose around his shoulders. You smiled back before settling into the seat opposite him.

His hands moved hesitantly as he signed, “What would you like? I can recommend their hot chocolate, its very warming/”

“Hot chocolate it is.”

You could tell he wanted to ask you a million questions but to his credit he walked slowly to get the drinks, he even took his time carefully carrying the tray of drinks back to your table. He placed a delicious looking hot chocolate in front of you. You watched as he took a sip.

5, 4, 3, 2, 1-

“So,” Here we go, “What is it you can do, you can speak in peoples’ heads, can you,” He lowered his voice and leaned in, “Can you read people’s minds?”

You giggled slightly, his eyes were basically sparkling, he was definitely nerding out about this.

You set the hot chocolate down before casting your thoughts to his head, “I can speak in peoples heads relatively easily, it’s how I talk most of the time to people I know. I guess you could call it Telepathy.”

Bucky’s eyes were as wide as saucers, “So you can’t read thoughts, only… speak them?”

“I like to call it casting, makes me feel like a sorcerer. I can read thoughts, but it takes a lot of energy. I used to be able to talk with my brother from across the house. That usually requires some kind of connection.”

“Oh, so like a blood or family connection? Do you have to know the person very well?”

“That certainly helps but it’s not always necessary. If I have a personal object that belongs to that person, something I can hold and connect to them it isn’t hard to make a two-way connection. Especially if that person is willing to open their mind.”

Bucky seemed to be caught in thought for a second. “So, if I were to give you something of mine, we could both talk in our… heads?”

“Well yes, but Bucky we have only just met. Letting me into your head is a lot. I try not to pry but sometimes I’ve found that thoughts just burst through. Let’s get to know each other a before that happens.”

Bucky smiled at you before speaking and signing, “You’re right. Let’s get to know one another. I find you fascinating.”

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It happened on the fifth date. Bucky was just walking you home after a lovely dinner at a small Italian that he claimed he went to back in the 40s. Just outside your door, under the glow of a lamppost he turned to you and took a deep breath before speaking.

“I know this may be a lot, but I wanted to give you these.” He reached around his neck and pulled off something silver. You gasped slightly as he held out his dog tags, immaculately preserved after all these years.

“Are you sure, Bucky? This is a lot.”

“I know and if you aren’t comfortable with it then just let me know but I want to give them to you.”

“You know what this means Bucky?”

“Yeah, I know, I just figured that you’re already in my head all the time anyways, just can’t seem to get you out of it.”

“You cheeseball.” You smirked at him before taking the dog tags and placing them around your neck. You gripped the cold metal for a moment, concentrating on the man in front of you. Taking everything, you knew about him and stretching out a connection, like a hand reaching out to clasp another.

“Testing, Testing, Testing, one two, one two, can my Telepathic partner hear me?”

You laughed, “Yes I can Bucky, you big dork.”

Bucky whooped out loud before sweeping you up in a big hug. The two of you laughing under the lamp light. His joy was infectious, and you couldn’t fight the smile off your face.

“Oh, we are going to have so much fun messing with Sam.”

“You’re evil.”

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Of course, the two of you made a pact not to tell Sam until he worked it out, which wouldn’t be anytime soon according to Bucky. It led to some very memorable moments and Sam refusing to play any form of card or board game with either of you because you always managed to win, somehow. Not to mention all the times you had spoken in eery unison around him.

“I swear, its like you two can read each other’s minds sometimes.” Sam threw his hands up in frustration at another lost game of charades.

You smirked at Bucky across the room, “Should you tell him, or shall I?”

“I think he’s been through enough, I got it.”

Bucky cleared his throat, “We can.”

Sam whipped around to face Bucky, a look of sheer disbelief on his face, “Seriously Bucky-boy, if you think I believe that after all-

“Hello Sam.” You cast your thoughts to him, in the creepiest old lady voice you could muster.

Sam yelped, before turning accusingly at you, “You better be joking around with me right now, I am not dealing with any kind of ghosts in this house.”

“Sorry! Surprise I’m telepathic!”

“You’re serious.”

You nodded.

Sam put his head in his hands and sighed, “Not the weirdest thing ever. Wait, does this mean you have been cheating this entire time.”

You both looked guiltily at one another.

“You owe me. That poker night, void.”

You both laughed, “We’ll have a fair rematch this time Sam.”

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It had been close to a year since you had made it official with Bucky and you were now much more comfortable around one another. He no longer just dropped you off at the lamppost but cam inside with you. You had spent many lovely mornings together sharing glances over steaming cups of coffee. Fighting each other for who got to spread their legs out on the couch, there wasn’t really a loser though as it usually ended up in sofa cuddles for both of you, while watching a film.

Life was pretty great, you thought, as you smiled down at the sleeping Bucky beside you. Finally reaching over to turn off the lamp and put your book down, you were finally reading the hobbit at Bucky’s insistence. As you clicked off the light beside you and settled down you noticed the faster than usual breathing coming from beside you.

“Bucky?”

You reached out, thinking he was awake but instead as you opened up your connection you caught flashes of night terrors. You were falling indefinitely, snow all around you, and in the distance, there were cries of pain, people pleading for their lives, there was gunfire and explosions. You gasped and took off the dog tags. You only gave yourself a moment to breathe before trying to shake Bucky awake. When it became clear that he wasn’t stirring you steadied yourself and settled your hands on his temples. You didn’t care you tired this would make you, you just wanted Bucky to stop suffering. You focused, offering out that hand of connection again, this time picturing it in the shape of a fist and, although it wasn’t subtle, you tried to shake Bucky’s brain awake. You forced your way into his dreams, punching through the dark fog that clouded his thoughts and almost screamed at him.

“Bucky! Bucky wake up! You’re dreaming my dear!”

Bucky woke up with a start. Tears flowing down his face, he stared at you blue eyes shining. No one spoke as he pulled you into his arms. You just breathed together for a moment, counting the breaths and the spaces in between. When he finally pulled back, you saw his eyes flicker with concern before lifting a hand to gently wipe under your nose, it came back red with blood.

“You, okay?”

You smiled sadly, reaching out to put the dog tags back on.

“I should be asking you that.”

“But you’re bleeding.”

“Occupational hazard.” You tried to subtly get rid of any of the extra blood. “That was pretty intense. Wanna talk?”

Bucky looked down to the sheets and shook his head. You smiled at him, tilting his head to yours.

“That’s fine, want me to go? Or would you like to cuddle for a bit?”

Bucky didn’t talk again, just pulled you gently down to the bed once more. Snuggling himself under your chin, resting his head on your chest. You felt his arms draw tightly against your waist. You pressed your lips into his hair.

“May I help you go to sleep? Keep the bad thoughts at bay for at least one night.”

You felt Bucky nod and let out a little sleepy hum of agreement. You closed your eyes, focused on your connection setting up a golden wall against the dark fog at the corners of his mind and settled into a deep sleep.

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You woke to the smell of fresh coffee and the clinking of cups.

“Morning.” You opened your eyes at Bucky’s voice and took the offered cup greedily. Your mind still felt hazy from the energy you used last night.

You felt the bed dip beside you as Bucky sat and sipped at his cup as well, hair a bit of a mess from bed. He had evidently only just woken up as well.

He took a breath, “I had some pretty interesting dreams, sweetheart.”

You stiffened, “Good ones I hope.”

“Don’t worry, they were good. If a little strange.”

“Strange?”

“I was watching myself most of the time.”

You snorted into the coffee, “Sounds creepy”

There was a slight chuckle, “Nah, I was watching myself build a home, a family- “

“Oh God Bucky.” You snapped your eyes to his, you knew what had happened. “I am so sorry my dreams must have stuck in your head.”

“Those were your dreams?”

“Yeah, its only happened once before but when the connection between two people is very strong, it can happen- I call it bleeding. Perhaps we should- “

“If the next words out of your mouth are take a break, I will spill your coffee.” You clutched your cup closer to your chest, “Truthfully, those were some of the beset dreams I have every had. I really loved them.”

You looked back up at him, hesitantly “You did?”

“And I love you.”

“Huh

There was silence as you stared at him in shock. His face as nothing but adoration as the sunlight filtered over his face.

“I love you, sweetheart.”

“I love you too.”

Coffee cups were cast aside as you both collided. Giggling and joking, radiating happiness as the two of you shared the sweetest kiss. Your feelings merging together, amplifying one another until they shone brighter than the sun.