#kind of sort of a similar premise

[h0neylevi]

I keep coming back to the idea of Levi “buying” someone from the underground under the guise of it being for sex, but he actually just knows that it’s the easiest way to escape to the surface.

If he falls in love, well that’s just a happy little accident.

[icewindandboringhorror]

It always seems a bit unbalanced on The Great Food Truck Race when there will be multiple teams who are cooking a wide variety of complex dishes with 10 different components and a bunch of prep work, and then there's that one team who like... exclusively serves plain crepes with some premade nutella on them, or plain waffles with just some whipped cream and cut up strawberries lol...

[telvayns]

what’s ur ao3?

you can find me here!

for anyone who didn't know, in a couple days' time i will be posting the first chapter or so from my fitzier pale rider (1985) au, revelation 6:8, for cowboyshowfest!! i'm very happy w/ how it's turned out so i'm really excited to see what people think of it.

you can get a taster for it from the first art i did w/ this au right here!

[twilightau]

LOVE VIRUS 2; L.DH

synopsis — you finally left the ER department, but why do you keep popping up in Haechan’s life and mind?

genres — first love au, co-workers-to-lovers, doctor au

pairing — general surgeon!lee donghyuck x nurse!fem!reader

warnings — language, mentions of death, incorrect medical descriptions, fire accident, lots of HC going back and forth with his thoughts, medical setting, lot of pov changes

word count — 7,6k (part one) 5,6k (part two)

author’s note — this fic is based off the j-drama ‘an incurable case of love’! but besides some events and the premise, they aren’t similar. i also added doses of other k-medical drama moments in the work, mostly because i am far from medically educated so i apologize to any of you who are reading this.

a/n part 2: this part switches focus between haechan and y/n a lot. whenever it’s haechan-focused, he will be referred to as haechan (in y/n-focus he is referred to as donghyuck).

  HAECHAN: all the voices say the same thing.

There was no turning back. As much as people like to think that he is socially stumped, Haechan wasn’t. Being socially aware, but not acting upon it is a choice, and it was always the most time-efficient choice in his opinion. The opinions of others don’t matter, everyone knew he had the skills to match his attitude, so why bother being likable when a doctor’s job is to save people?

His nth consultation ended with another pair of wary eyes looking at him. He told them exactly what the surgery was and what their chances of survival were, yet the patient only turned away once the rookie nurse added some sugar-coated words to his story.

It’s so stupid how people let themselves fall into meaningless words of hope. They’d be ready to fight Haechan over well-formulated diagnoses with realistic predictions, but once you pitch in with some sentimental words about healing, they are always easily satisfied. You throw in one of your sweet and kind smiles and the patient is sold. 

It frustrated him how much of those smiles he has been seeing lately. Somehow, after he revealed that he remembered you, it was him who became hyper-aware of you. He can’t even properly criticize your work anymore because it did actually improve, and you knew it because you have been flashing proud little smiles at him whenever he didn’t tell you off on something he did before.

Haechan was sure that the thoughts of you would quiet down after you finished your ER rotation and continued on to other departments. But it really didn’t help that you ended up at cardiology and Mark was somehow so fond of you that he always mentions you whenever the surgeon went out for a drink with the cardiologist. 

(“Nurse Y/N baked some cookies for the team today, they were crazy.” Mark told his friend while stuffing his face with another piece of chicken. Haechan sipped his beer, trying to focus on anything but the image of you smiling brightly with a tray of cookies.

“She even made a special version, which Jeno approved to give to his patients.” The surgeon hummed with indifference – at least he tried to. “Yo, are you even listening?” Haechan’s eyes flick to Mark with annoyance.

“Well, sorry that I don’t want to hear about Y/N and Jeno being some sort of charity towards their patients. I’m not exactly invested.” Mark gaped at his friend, who grabbed his glass to take a huge sip. “No way, you are into her, dude.” And the surgeon spat his drink all over Mark with zero guilt.)

Even worse, you keep showing up in his barely-there free time as well, present in his house, talking to his cousin like you’ve known her for years when it has been literal months. The two of you are always watching some cheesy rom-com whenever Haechan looks over at the living room from the open kitchen, which he only entered for some water by the way.

Tonight was one of those nights where you came over while your roommate was out with her friends. Karina brought home some fried chicken and the two of you were enjoying your meal with an episode of Perfect Match a background noise.

“Girl, I can’t believe it's only been three months since you started here. You already received a request to start in the cardiology department which is very impressive.” This news was unknown to Donghyuck, he sits up a little straighter, his laptop and work long forgotten on the kitchen island. 

You shake your head profusely, “I only got the offer because the team thinks I do well with the patients. Besides, the majority of the team already knew me before I started.” 

It was true, the cardiology department was where your roommate Minjeong was stationed. It would be no surprise if she recommended you, as well as Mark, although he would have done it for different reasons.

“So what?” Karina stretches out the ‘a’ for dramatic effect, “Wasn’t it Jeno that turned in that request?” She continues to press the topic further, and Haechan knows his cousin. She was trying to get on his nerves. He directed his gaze to the living room to confirm that Karina was indeed eyeing him. The conversation the cousins had once resurfaced.

(“I think you should try dating again, Haechan.” His cousin casually dropped while they were having dinner. Haechan scoffs, pointing his fork at his cousin accusatory. “Just say you want me together with your little friend and be done with it. Don’t beat around the bush.”

“Okay, fine, let me be honest. Y/N is a great girl, and if you don’t act on it fast, she will be taken in no time.” Although Haechan saw you in a professional light most of the time, he was still a man who could objectively confirm that you were attractive. But you were so different from him that he couldn’t imagine himself with you.

“I doubt she is that popular, Karina. You are overreacting.” He tries to play it nonchalantly, if she notices, she doesn’t mention it. The two ate their dinner with small bickerings on random topics, but the thought that there was someone in the cardiology department didn’t sit right with Haechan.) 

At least he didn’t need to ask Mark about it anymore now that his cousin had revealed the name of the guy. Haechan absolutely refuses to ask his best friend even remotely about any female, knowing he won’t live it down if it comes to Mark Lee. It was however quite surprising that Jeno requested you to join the cardiology department, after all, Jeno wasn’t much of a social butterfly compared to his co-worker Mark. But his sweet smile and mellow nature made him popular amongst the female staff of any department.

It wasn’t jealousy – he knows for sure (no he doesn’t)– but wonder? A small piece of him was kind of proud that you managed to establish a steady image of yourself that became well-liked by the cardiology department. He wasn’t jealous, really. Part of the rotations is to see which team would fit best for each rookie nurse. Haechan also knew that there were very few nurses who ended up applying for the emergency department, feeling an overwhelming responsibility to work hard and fast under very unappealing circumstances.

Haechan is about to open his mouth to throw a teasing comment your way, itching to see how you’d react, but his phone goes off. An emergency alert.

He looks up to see the same expression on Karina’s face, the two cousins stand up in unison and rush to get their stuff. The surgeon notices you walking toward him as he packs his laptop into his bag.

“What happened?”

“Emergency alarm, all available staff are asked to come and help out.” He doesn’t look up, rushing into his room to grab his remaining necessities before exiting and walking toward the door. You stand there with Karina, the head nurse looking at Haechan, her eyes asking for help.

“Y/N wants to come, too.” Haechan frowns, frankly speaking, he didn’t have time for this as he should be rushing to the hospital, but he somehow still finds time to argue with you on this.

“When I said all available staff, I meant the ER and related staff. General surgery is always called in for these things. The cardiology staff on shift will cover what they need just fine.” He waves you off, putting his shoes on and opening the door, already rushing down the hallway to the elevators. But if Lee Donghyuck had spent just as much time with you as Yu Karina had, he’d have known how persistent you actually are, strutting into the elevator with Karina.

You don’t even spare the man a look, a smug smile on your face while you wait for the elevator to reach the ground level. Haechan hides his forming smile behind a scoff. “Did I lose your respect after you rotate in other departments, Nurse Y/N?” You turn around to face Haechan with a smile, and the man forgets to keep his composure for a second, but snaps back before you – or his cousin – can notice.

“In case you didn’t know, I am free to apply for any department now that I’ve completed the obligatory rotations. Besides, there are people out there who need help right now Dr. Lee. I don’t think refusing to help hands is the efficient choice right now.” Haechan rolls his eyes, not missing the detail of your word choice.

♡

The accident site wasn’t far from your apartment complex, Haechan had to make the quick decision of sending Karina off to the hospital as head nurse and took you with him to the accident site. 

“Hello, this is doctor Lee Donghyuck from general surgery. I’m going on-site to assess the situation. Please send over one medical unit and extra emergency kits.” Haechan pauses for a moment to look at you, “I already have one nurse with me.” He informs the emergency response center before taking a sprint.

This wasn’t his first time on an accident site, he knew the drill but repeated it nonetheless for you. “Make sure to stay close to me. You are here to assist me, and I am here to assess who we can and cannot treat. Nurse Y/N, what you are about to see will be upsetting, but I need you to stay clear-minded, okay?” His voice was more gentle as he spoke the last part, but he knew the moment the two of you set eyes on the site, that your heart must be heavy and racing just like his.

Haechan was shortly informed on the phone that a fire broke out in a neighboring high school; he already knew that there would be a lot of injured students. But knowing never softens the blow. The sounds of crying, coughing, and screaming students momentarily freeze the surgeon, but the moment he looks at you, he knows he has to stay strong to keep both of you afloat. He grabs your hand, telling you to follow him towards a temporary set-up tent where paramedics are already busy dividing tasks.

“I’m doctor Lee Donghyuck from Neo-Seoul Medical Center, this is Nurse Y/N L/N. What can we do to help?” A tall paramedic turns to the two of you, his face looks strained but he manages a polite smile and shakes your hands. “I’m glad help could come this fast. I’m the captain of unit A, paramedic Johnny Suh. We are currently waiting for the clear sign to enter the building and look for survivors. It’s best that you two start with labeling all the students who managed to get out already. You know the codes?”

“Yes,” Haechan answers curtly, it wasn’t unusual that people underestimated him because he looked young, but he didn’t waste much time on the thought and rushed to the first students he could find.

He checks the pulse of a still-laying male student while a female sits next to him on the ground, crying. You assist Haechan with all the tools he needs to check on the non-responding patient while he asks the conscious female a few questions.

“Give her a green label and him an orange label,” Haechan instructs before standing up and looking for the next patient. He hears you tell the girl that orange means the boy will be fine and the girl cries out louder, thanking the two of you.

♡

Y/N: that fire that burns dangerously.

What felt like hours went by while Donghyuck and you checked patient after patient. Yangyang and Sion joined the scene to help lift part of the burden as on-site medical staff. You tried your best to keep up with Donghyuck while trying to keep your head cool. There were so many students, and young lives that will hold this disaster as a tainted memory for a long time.

You knew you’d been here way too long, the fire wasn’t completely out yet and the paramedics did warn you to take precautions. The mask on your face started to feel suffocating and it was obvious that both Donghyuck and you needed a break before you exhausted yourself in these extreme conditions. Your hand reached out to call him, but you froze at a familiar cry near the two of you.

“Somebody, please…” A weak female voice calls out between coughs, you whip your head around and run without warning Donghyuck. Her voice was something you wouldn’t forget. You have laughed with that voice, cried with that voice, and screamed with that voice at one of the scariest moments in your life: it was Minnie’s voice.

“Minnie.” Her name leaves your lips with a gasp, she is dirtied with soot and trembling. You rush to her side and hug her tight, just relieved that she is alive. You feel her take a deep breath for a moment before she breaks out in coughs again. She pushed you off her with frantic eyes, trying her best to tell you something, but you were too close to the smoke and you didn’t doubt that she had been for a longer time.

“R-riku oppa–.” She forced the words out between coughs before you signaled paramedics to take her away. You jump on your feet, and a slight dizziness clouds your vision momentarily when you look around you. If Minnie has been so certain to not flee any further, it must mean that Riku was within reach. You try your hardest to see through the fire, unknowingly walking closer to the building, too desperate to save another child. The sight breaks your heart like a stone through a glass wall; Riku lies unconscious near the exit, a large object on top of his upper body, making it impossible for him to escape. 

It wasn’t instinct, nor was it reflex. The complete opposite snapped in you, all the care for your own safety flew out the window the moment you saw the teenage boy. Your legs weren’t yours, your strength wasn’t yours, everything was automatic and with no thoughts. The object was heavy, likely a fallen piece of the ceiling, but you managed to lift it just a bit. 

You shut your eyes and focus all your strength on removing the object, not even realizing that a group of paramedics and Donghyuck himself have found you and are helping out. Only after you felt like there was no strength left in you did you open your eyes, the object was off Riku’s body and Captain Suh was performing CPR. Donghyuck looked at you with concerned eyes, but his words didn’t register in your mind as exhaustion seeped into you. The last thing you remember is his arms around your body and the impact of something hard.

♡

HAECHAN: between you and me.

Haechan saves lives. It was one of the most normal things to do for him, hell – he was a professional after all. A general surgeon working in the emergency department, he was used to seeing people in very bad shapes and situations. These weren’t limited to the ER, but also on the accident sites. Haechan has always been the few doctors that were dispatched the most often whenever a disaster broke out. Thanks to his expertise, he knew exactly what and where the injured could go for the best treatments. He was also well aware of the procedure at the sites. Never would he call himself a sucker for rules, but he knew the importance of protocol and why they existed in the first place.

Yet he didn’t hesitate to run after you when you were obviously breaking any and every point of the set rules. Yet he even helped you out with your ridiculous quest to save a student that you were not capable of doing on your own. Yet he risked his life to push you out of the way because you were too caught up in the situation to stay aware of your surroundings.

Doyoung expected a lot of things from Haechan, but to tell him off on something he had done perfectly for so long was a surprise.

“This report doesn’t make sense, Donghyuck. You were supposed to be the best of the batch, but you’re messing up your entire fast track with a rookie mistake?” Doyoung rubs his hand over his face in frustration. Haechan was not a promising resident anymore, he was already at a similar level to some of the senior surgeons. If he had to be honest, Haechan might be better at certain surgeries than Doyoung himself. 

It’s stupid, that’s what it is. Haechan made one mistake and the board jumped on the opportunity to humble the cocky surgeon. Haechan knows it’s unfair, probably anyone with a little more insight on the situation knows that this was a personal attack on him. But even as Chief of General Surgery, his power knew limits. 

“Listen, I can’t get you back on track soon. But the good side is that the kid you saved was a close relative of the paramedic team on the scene. You might have temporarily lost your chance at promotion, but at least you got a paramedic team on your beck and call.”

Haechan didn’t speak much, just listening to Doyoung’s rants and nagging before leaving his office. He opens the door to catch you sitting in the waiting area. He knows he has to leave as soon as possible before you catch him, but his lingering gaze delays his moves and you look right up to his walking figure.

“Dr. Lee!” You shout through the hall, Haechan’s body freezes, allowing you to run up to him and hold his sleeve. A feeling of deja vu rises in Haechan, along with other things he is not ready to identify. “I need to talk to you, please.” The surgeon takes a deep breath and turns to you, a stoic expression hiding his uncertainties.

“Is it true that you lost your spot on the fast track?” Haechan rolls his eyes, but he doesn’t deny anything, too focused on not looking into your eyes. “Why?” You ask with a crack in your voice. If Haechan was too nervous to look in your eyes before, he is now terrified to catch your gaze. He is afraid of all the things he will say, and all the things he won’t say.

“Nurse Y/N, you should worry about your own conversation with your superior. Leave my business alone. Hell, leave me alone for once” Haechan snaps, misplaced anger in his words as he shrugs your hand off his sleeve and walks away. He didn’t look at your face, but he pictures your pained expression in his head, and he hates it.

Just like that, the two of you didn’t speak for weeks. You ended up choosing cardiology and were currently in Dr. Lee Jeno’s OR team. Maeda Riku was in fact one of the latest patients you assisted in Jeno’s OR, and due to the complicated surgery ending successfully, the entire team was invited to a conference to share the experience.

Haechan was a bit proud – or a lot – of your growth throughout your time at Neo-Seoul Medical Center. You still seemed a bit clumsy, but you were definitely quicker on your feet and managed to soothe the hearts of many cardiology patients. The general surgeon can act like this is all information he heard from Mark who seems to think Haechan needs weekly Y/N-updates (Haechan is kind of curious, he won’t lie), but deep down he already knows that even without Mark, Haechan will always look out for you from a distance.

“I’m telling you, dude. Lee Jeno is going to confess to her in Busan and you will end up single for the rest of your life!” Mark rubs his face in frustration, and his friend slash colleague’s passive behavior is ticking him off. Haechan’s face remains neutral, he grabs another strip of meat and puts it on the grill, he shrugs after seeing the cardiologist unmoving staring at him. “What does that have to do with me?”.

He’s feigning ignorance and he knows it. Haechan is still foolishly lying to himself that he doesn’t know about your… affection for him. You liked him silently, innocently, like anyone would feel about first love. But your little crush wasn’t the problem here, it was his growing love for you. While you just rekindled your previous crush on him, you set Haechan's heart ablaze in the most unsuspecting manner. One day he thought of you as the annoying new rookie in his department, preparing himself for any mistake you could make. But the next, he would be going home in between shifts, ‘resting’ and wondering whether you’d come and visit his cousin. 

Suddenly, your mistakes weren’t annoying anymore and your care for patients softened his expressions. Suddenly, he didn’t mind having to eat your slightly sour food when you decided to cook Karina and his dinner. Suddenly, every extra mile you went for the people around you warmed his heart. And suddenly, that warmed heart became yours.

He doubted it at first, his feelings. Maybe he hadn’t met a fanatic rookie in a while – although Yangyang’s rookie days were also quite eventful. But Haechan knew for sure that you weren’t just a temporary infatuation when he ran into a burning building for you. He knew the consequences, the risks, but he didn’t care.

It felt unfair to you, who was just starting a career and exploring the medical world, to be tied down to a man with a bad reputation with colleagues who might affect your future. 

“You’re telling me you aren’t going to fight for her?” Mark pushes, clearly his friend was hiding something but needed something to switch him on.

“I’m telling you she deserves better.” And Mark Lee was quiet about it, because Haechan was many things, and arrogant was at least in the top three words anyone would use to describe the surgeon. To have his colleague and long-term friend admit that he might not be the best option was out of the world, and so must his love for you be as well.

♡

Haechan sighs, swirling the champagne in his glass as he watches his colleagues and fellow medical professionals socialize. Through Mark’s effort, Haechan managed to get a few days off to join the conference in Busan, and now he is forced to come because Doyoung thought a conference was the perfect way to torture Haechan for his misbehavior.

He was right, it did feel like torture for Haechan. But it was because he was in a room filled with pretentious people, or because the catering was way too healthy and he needed something sweet.

It was torture because you were the most beautiful person in the room, and it was Jeno Lee who stood by your side. You wore a simple maxi dress which could have looked dull on anyone who didn’t glow like you. Your kind smile was given left and right and you laughed at all Jeno’s dry jokes. Haechan hated everything, but he loathed himself the most for not being the man next to you.

He goes outside and looks for his lighter, hoping that a long good smoke will help him escape. The surgeon spots Mark’s approaching figure and sighs again. “I don’t want to hear it.”

“You smoke again?”

Haechan tries to flicker the lighter again but fails. “What else am I supposed to do in this situation? Fucking go and tell her? Ever since she entered my life, she has been prying open that shitty door that I didn’t know existed?” Haechan drags a hand through his hair, throwing the lighter away in frustration. “I can’t do that, Mark. Whenever I picture myself next to her, I can only think of myself as a medical mentor. I don’t have anything else to offer. I pale in comparison to her shining nature and it’s making me sick that Lee Jeno is going to walk away with her tonight.”

“But what about your own happiness, though?” His friend asks him. Haechan fakes a dry laugh. His back is still turned towards his friends as the general surgeon stares outside. “I could never put myself before her. I think I’ve known since that high school fire that it will always be her before me.” It sounds so cliche, too sickly sweet for Haechan to say, but if he won’t confess, the least he can do is tell his friend what has been clouding his heart and mind for months.

Haechan was frustrated, anyone could tell by his shaking shoulders. Lee Haechan felt like a loser, but he was too hopeless to do anything about it. A soft hand caresses his back to comfort him and the voice he had missed was finally speaking to him again. “Everyone deserves happiness. And everyone should move on from the past.” Your words were so simple and genuine like they always were. Haechan turns around in shock to find you standing next to Mark – who is wearing a smirk with only slight hints of guilt in his eyes for letting you listen to a highly personal conversation. 

♡

Y/N: don't ever let it die.

The banquet went by in a daze, and your mind drowns in thoughts of Donghyuck. For which reason was he here, miles and miles away from the hospital, in Yangyang’s spot at an event he deemed a waste of his time? A room filled with greed-filled people and flashy decor, chit-chat, and food that wouldn’t satisfy his picky palate. But on the other hand, this was exactly where he was supposed to be, between the powerful and skilled. 

Your untouched glass received a soft cling from Jeno’s glass. He gives you his ever-so-sweet smile. “Y/N, if you need to go, you can. I can handle the rest of this event alone.” You think back on the words that Winter spoke to you right at the beginning of your intro week at the hospital. How Donghyuck was far from your type. Lee Jeno was your type: he was hard-working, loving, and honest with his heart in anything he did. Even right now, in one of the most important moments of his career, he was willing to let you go because you wanted to. 

“They haven’t called out your name yet, Jeno. I can’t miss your spotlight of the night.” He looks down, and the corners of his lips falter. “Y/N, I don’t want one of my biggest nights to also be the night where you make one of your most regretful mistakes.” He still avoids your eyes. A few moments of silence pass between you two while you search for the right words to say.

“I’ll be okay, you can go now, Y/N.” Even though he maintained his body language perfectly fine, you knew deep down that he was hurting too. You stand up, his body flinching ever so slightly. 

“I’m sorry, Jeno.” Jeno Lee would have been your answer in any lifetime, but this is that one lifetime where your heart called another name.

♡

You saw the scene unfold in front of you. Donghyuck’s back was facing Mark and you, Mark was telling him things you knew bits and pieces of thanks to the talkative hospital staff. Haechan was crying, his lighter abandoned, and his words losing their firmness as he slowly crouched down. Mark doesn’t comfort him, instead, he turns around and looks at you. His eyes told you enough and you walked towards Donghyuck with caution. 

“Everyone deserves happiness. And everyone should move on from the past.” 

Your heart was almost beating out of your chest, all hopes shattering as you kissed him, but he wasn’t kissing you back. Your mind was a mess; did you read everything wrong? You were sure about him, but was he still doubtful about you? You push him away, embarrassment and anger fill you as you jump on your feet and flee the scene. 

You didn’t need to guess who was chasing after you when you entered the elevator. A heaving Donghyuck stops the elevator doors right before they close by forcing his hand between the tiny gap. You frown at him, “Surgeons should be careful with their hands.” He clicks on the 7th floor and only starts speaking once the doors close and the two of you are alone.

“Why did you leave the event?” He is asking the question because he selfishly wants to hear you say that you still like him. After everything that just happened, Lee Donghyuck still needed more confirmation.

“Why did you chase me here?” You fire back, hiding your embarrassment behind a thin veil of anger. He didn't answer, his actions and words were making you scoff. “If you can’t decide what you want. You shouldn’t have come after me, Dr. Lee.” The doors open and you hurry out, Donghyuck just one step behind you.

“Y/N, wait!” He stops you from closing your hotel room door, his brows pinched together as he tries to open the door, but you refuse. “Dr. Lee, don’t waste your breath on me.” The door doesn’t move, you know he’s still holding it in place, not pushing it open unless you allow him to, but not letting it shut him out because he knows this will be his last chance.

“Don’t talk like that.” 

Your grip on the door loosens and Donghyuck pushes the door open entirely, his body suddenly way too close. 

“What?”

“Don’t talk so negatively about yourself, I don’t like that.” He says, two beats of silence pass before you stammer another noise of confusion.

“And why should that matter to me? Why should it matter whether you like the things I do or not?” The back of your leg hits the edge of the table and you put your hands behind you to realize the table is stopping you from escaping him. 

Donghyuck doesn’t answer your question and takes half a step back and suddenly, you see him. He is furrowing his brows in frustration, and rubbing his sweaty palms against his dress pants. He is nervous to screw this up. He is nervous to screw up his chance with you.

Lee Donghyuck always held the rope in his hands. He is prideful and arrogant, talented and intelligent, structured and always in control. It was time to see if he would rather have his pride and control, or you.

“Did you mean what you said downstairs?” You ask him, mustering all your courage to act confident.

“I did, I do.” He answers immediately. 

“What else did you tell Mark that should have been said to me?”

“Being with me will be hard because I still don’t know how to be thoughtful towards others. I still don’t know how to take care of someone instead of fixing them physically. Heck – I don’t even know how to talk about my own emotions properly, but please listen to me when I say this Y/N. Are we very different from one another? Yes, and logically that should stop us from already. I will probably upset you more than make you happy. But whenever I think of my future and my dreams…” Donghyuck stops his rant to take a deep breath. 

“I know you are part of each and every one of them.” His eyes were searching for some sort of answer in yours. Darting left and right, looking for a glimpse of hope between the two of you. It took you all your willpower to suppress your smile. 

“I don’t deserve to beg you to choose me. But if there is even a small percentage of ‘like’ left for me.” His eyes are shining with all his emotions. Bare and raw. He is laying out all his cards – his feelings – out for you to take or leave.

He takes a deep breath, “I will take it. I will cherish it because you are my Sun, Y/N L/N. And even if you only allow one single ray of sunshine upon me, I will gratefully bask in that warmth and light forever.” His hand comes up to your face to wipe away your tears and you smile, bursting out in laughter at his words. 

Never did you expect Lee Donghyuck to talk like a poet, let alone a very desperate one at that. Having the upper hand was something you had wished for from day one when he oh so confidently smacked your mistakes in your face, but it has become clear to you that he had placed the rope in your hand a long while ago.

He musters an uncertain smile on his lips after you’ve been laughing for some time. “Please Y/N… say something to me.” 

“When did you realize you liked me?”

“I realized I liked you when I started doing things I never did before. And I knew I love you when the thought of not having you around started to annoy me more than when you make basic mistakes.”

“Gosh, where did that cold jerk go? You sound so sappy.” You tease him, hands trailing up his forearms. 

“If I were ever to hear all of the things I just told you, I might die from embarrassment.” You nod in agreement, face nearing his neck as you speak. “Don’t give me ideas I might use against you.” He smiles down at you, “I’m ready for any challenge you give me, I will prove myself.”

“Alright, we will see about that. First challenge; replace our first kiss from downstairs with one I won’t forget.” And he didn’t need to be told twice to oblige.

SEQUEL SNIPLET ♡

"Dude, you literally cannot ask me to run your ER while you're on your honeymoon. I cannot manage my duties in cardiology and emergency at the same time!" Mark complains, signing off another form head nurse Karina handed him a few minutes ago.

"Remember when you tricked me into confessing my feelings for my wife at that conference in Busan? I consider this payback." The cardiologist can already imagine the stupid smirk on his friend's face.

"I literally helped you get laid and get a wife?"

"In the most embarrassing way I've ever imagined. She literally still laughs in my face whenever she sees a lighter. Besides, both Doyoung and Jaehyun signed it off already. You can't go back unless I am back, and I am not back until my wife had enough of me." Mark rolls his eyes at his friend acting all smitten.

"Such a simp." Haechan laughs at the other end of the phone.

"See you in three months!" The cardiologist's eyes grow wide at those words. 3 months?!

taglist: @jaeveil, @lanadreamie, @pinknini7, @undomielsql, @yxnghyxck, @hyuckysunflower, @ypoom151999, @tinyzen - thank you for your patience!

any like, reblog, comment and feedback is appreciated! if you'd like to be on the taglist of this fic, let me know through an ask or comment on this work ♡

[rafsmusicalnotes]

Insecurities with Rafayel

Tags: Comfort, Fluff, Smut 

Premise: Rafayel wants to go swimming at the beach with you, but you’re insecure about the stretch marks and cellulite on your body, afraid it’ll turn him off completely. He comforts you and reassures you that he’s completely enamored by you. It’s kind of implied that it’s the earlier stages of dating Rafayel (you’ve walked along the beach with him, but haven’t gone swimming with him). 

MC is gender neutral, but does have a vagina.

MC's physical body isn't described, besides saying there's stretch marks and cellulite (implied mostly on the legs). I try to make my works as inclusive as possible. I hate to leave anyone out.

~4.5k words

MDNI 🔞

It’s the summer, the perfect season for going swimming at the beach. The weather is hot, the seagulls are out, it’s an easy sweat just standing two minutes outside, so of course he’d ask to go swimming at the beach with you. It’s right by his studio, and if not that beach, the private island that he owns. And of course, he'd tell you to prepare a week ahead, and of course, you haven’t gone swimming at the beach in years. And of course, to go swimming, you need a bathing suit. And of course, your old bathing suit doesn’t fit anymore. You’re not a teenager anymore; you're an adult. An adult with a grown body. A body with skin stretched around it. You thought you didn’t care, but now that there’s plans to go swimming at the beach with him… Suddenly, it hurts to see yourself sometimes, and staring too long at the creeping marks around your lower abdomen, thighs, hips, arms, chest, etc. just makes it worse. 

Those “marks” which you believe look more like lingering claw marks holding and curving around your body weigh heavily on your mind as you go shopping for a bathing suit. You see other adults and take notice of their smoother skin with less marks, and you try not to let it get to you. You know better than to compare yourself to other people, but it’s a horrible habit that’s been hard to break. Usually those comparisons are nothing more than a passing thought, but they’re lingering lately much longer than they should.

You try on various shapes and designs of swimwear. Whatever you can get your hands on, but something in the back of your mind keeps nit picking at yourself, so now you’re sitting in the changing room, kinda sweaty from changing so many times in a small space that isn’t well ventilated. You stand one more time, and you look behind you, and oh… Cellulite. As if you needed another reason to not go, and another reason to pick at yourself. 

You know it’s just the horrible lighting in the room, but you can't help but start grabbing at your legs and messing with the fat distribution. You’re not going to cry. No, you’re not. You’re an adult with an adult body. This is normal. You know it’s normal, but you wish you weren’t right now. You quickly put on your clothes, and hang all the swimwear on the return rack. As you walk out the store, you’re already planning various ideas on letting Rafayel down gently. 

After much thought, you decide to do it about 2 days before the date. You’re cutting it close, but a part of you wants him to be upset at you. As some sort of odd self punishment you think you deserve. Also, you do it over call, so you don’t have to see his face, hearing his disappointment is more than enough to guilt you.

“Ahh I’m so sorry Rafayel, but I accidentally picked up a shift for that day.” 

“Accidentally? And you’re sure you can’t take it back?” 

“Maybe I could? But it would feel kind of rude… look I’m really sorry.”

“I get it. We can go another day, right? The beach isn’t going anywhere anytime soon. Also, don’t overwork yourself, cutie.”

Rafayel’s soft chuckles reverberate into your head and down your spine in a similar warmth, but your frigid guilt washes it away. You hate that you’re telling a half truth; you did pick up a shift, but it was never an accident. 

Now, a few weeks pass before Rafayel tries again to set up another beach date. This time, he brings it up while you’re in his studio. Whilst he’s busy opening boxes of packages he ordered a week or so ago, you’re sitting on his couch, watching him pull out random articles of clothing, gadgets, and even some strange ceramic pieces. After some time of opening boxes, he shifts the conversation to arranging another beach date.

“I’m telling you way ahead of time, so this time don’t forget and accidentally pick up a shift please. I’ll tell you about it everyday if I have to.”

He moves to sit next to you, and you tell him okay. Unfortunately, as the conversation keeps going along, a familiar heaviness of insecurity and guilt takes the forefront of your consciousness. More specifically, you’re distracted by how you don’t even have a bathing suit, the stretch marks, the cellulite, and most importantly, will he catch on if you make another excuse again? 

“Hey cutie, what’s on your mind?”

The question cuts through your trance, and you refocus your attention on him. His body is leaning towards you, and his brows are a bit furrowed as he scans your face. 

“Nothing. Just thinking.”

You barely manage to roll that response out as you lean your body away from him. Can he tell something is up? Can he tell you really don’t wanna go? Well, it’s not that you don’t, but would he even still be attracted to you? Could he see you and still want to be with you? You shift your gaze down to his blouse, and peak at the defined collarbone and sculpted chest. Another comparison that adds another weight. You’ve been adding on a lot lately.

Then you look at his face again. Perfectly smooth, free of blemishes. Another weight. 

“Yeah, thinking about what? ‘Cause you’re staring off a terrible lot.”

He leans even closer and a cheeky smile paints his face, but his eyes still show deep concern. And they’re trying to meet your eyes, but you won’t let it happen. 

“Just... thinking.”

“Thinking… Would you let me in, please?” He’s reaching over to hold your hand, kissing your knuckles. “I promise I won’t stop pestering until you tell me.” He winks at you, and your heart beats a lil faster. You’re flattered by his gesture, but scared of his response if you told him the truth. 

“I can’t go.”

“Go where?”

“The beach Rafayel.” 

“Can’t? Why?” He leans back to give you space to think, but he still holds your hand, so you can’t run away from this. There’s a long pause in the air as you reach for words to catch in your mind. What’s a good reason? You want to go. You really do, but you’re not ready to go with him. The flattering, fashionable, funny guy of your dreams. What if it all falls apart at the beach? What if he tells you some crap that ‘oh it’s all in the beauty of your soul’ or some crap. You know he likes your personality already. That’s probably what has kept him with you this long. That’s not what you want to hear, but what if he’s not even attracted to you anymore after that date. And suddenly, he’s asking less and less to go on dates, and then… he breaks up with you?

“What’s going on?” He whispers, his fingers trace the side of your face. “You’re starting to seriously worry me.” 

“I’m sorry. I wanna go, but… Oh it’s so stupid and embarrassing.” 

“Can’t be that stupid if it’s holding you back from going somewhere you wanna go.”

You make an odd noise from the back of your throat. You should tell him. You really should, but you feel so stupid. It’s such a ridiculous reason. At least that’s what you’re telling yourself now that he’s putting you in the spotlight. 

“I’m worried about something.” It took so much out of you to even say that, so you’re starting to sweat and slowly shifting away to the furthest end of the couch. 

“Yes?” He lets you shift away, but never lets go of your hand. He’s starting to get nervous too, and you can feel it in the way his hands are starting to sweat, and he holds on tighter.

“I’m worried that… That you won’t like me anymore afterwards.” You stare at the connected hands–  you’ve loosened your grip.  Because if he wants to let you go after this, then he has every right. A good, handsome guy like him deserves an equally good, beautiful person that has more self confidence than you could ever muster. 

“That.. I won’t like you anymore?” Rafayel tilts his head to the side, eyes widening for a moment, but quickly returning to normal. “Why wouldn’t I like you anymore? I’ve loved you thus far haven’t I? Why would one good date ruin that? One good date at the beach, may I add, because you’ve been fine with other dates and meetups. Even today’s meetup. What’s so different at the beach? Haven’t we walked alongside it before as well?”

You sigh and shrug your shoulders. “It’s because at those other dates, other non-beach dates, I’m dressed up. Y’know? Even when we walk alongside it, I’m still dressed up. Nice blouse, sandals, whatever. I’m not naked. Not even close. But like an actual beach date, you wear a swimsuit. I remember you told me to prepare for that, and I went shopping for it, but I just... I hate it.” 

Rafayel nods along and lets you keep going, his gaze never drifting away from you despite how yours darts from place to place. In those small milliseconds that he can catch your eyes, he takes notice of the worry and fear that plagues your mind; he’s catching onto what you’re trying to push out, but he needs to hear it from you. 

“Hate what?”, he whispers and reaches out to hold your other hand. 

You feel a pull in the back of your throat. Like it’s holding your voice back, but you push through it because you decide, if this is really something that he can't help you through, then he was never really that flattering, fashionable, funny guy of your dreams.

“My body,” you say through an exhale that barely pushes against the pull that was holding you back.

“But your body is gorgeous.” Rafayel moves to your side of the couch and lets go of one hand to cup your face, carefully maneuvering to see your face properly. “I’ve always thought so.”

“But you haven't seen me in swimwear at a beach, Rafayel. I went shopping the other day and do you know how ugly I was.” You hate to get choked up, but it can’t be helped. These things have been weighing on you the entire time, and you’re just placing it all bare at once, to the guy you want to hide it from the most. “And I don’t want to go to the beach, and you realize ‘oh that’s ugly’ and then stop liking me. And I can’t force you to like me, so I would just have to wait until you break up with me because I know I won’t do it.” You keep rambling and forcefully pull your hands away to hide behind them. “This is so stupid and embarrassing.” 

Rafayel takes the time to think about what you’ve said. As he formulates his response, he puts his arms around you to pull you as close as he can to himself, and then tucks your head under his chin as he lets you cry. Hearing you speak so poorly about the person he loves the most hurt him so deeply, yet he could only imagine the suffering you’ve been enduring with yourself. He knows this is a deeper issue than he could ever hope to solve in one day, but he hopes that at the very least, his words breach the surface and make light of what has been weighing you. “You’re not ugly at all. The opposite really. I promise. I’ve liked you for a long long time. Longer than you will ever know.” He speaks clearly into the open as he pats your head. “And I’ve been attracted to you since the beginning. I promise.”

“Only because you haven’t seen all my weird stretch marks.” You close your eyes, squeeze your legs together, and cross your arms in a poor attempt to soothe yourself and to hide, making yourself small. “And cellulite,” you mumble off, and all the weights on your soul seem to tug you down to drown you deeper towards despair as you recall the changing room mirrors. 

“So-? They’re attractive as well.” You open your eyes and move your head to look at him. “You’re just saying that.” He pinches your cheek. “Nah uh. I’m not. I promise. Where are they? I'll tell you how attracted I am to every bit of you”. He shifts you to sit on his lap, your back to his chest, and his chin now rests on your shoulder. He won't let you hide any longer. You're his precious pearl, after all. You're meant to be admired. To be loved and appreciated, especially by him. His hands glide up and down the sides of your thighs for a few strokes before settling on your hips. “Go on, ” He kisses the side of your neck, “I’ll love you no matter what, and if I don’t, you can always dump me. You deserve someone who loves you for every fiber of your being, and I am that person. I promise.” He chuckles at his last remark, giving you a gentle squeeze.  

You’re hesitant, but nod your head firmly. It’s true. You do deserve someone like that, and if he isn’t really that person, then he’s not yours. It would hurt to let him go, but you have every bit the ability to leave him as he does to you. Then, you lift up your shirt just enough, and pull down the waistband just enough to show the stretch marks on your abdomen. 

Your head is turned away, but Rafayel looks down as his hands move to rub at your lower stomach. “Attractive. Just as I said.” He whispers and slows his fingers to trace along the marks. “Like gentle streams across your body...” He mumbles “Leading me right to the most lovely parts of you.” His hands move towards the center and his fingers peak just underneath the waistband before drawing back to your hips. You twitch in response and shift in his lap, eliciting a groan from him. “Can I see more? I wanna see all of them,” his whispers gently blow into your ear.

“Okay…” You tug the waistband an inch or two lower to expose the skin of your hips. “And there’s more around my chest and arms…” Rafayel seems to perk up at the mention, kissing your shoulder. 

“You know, I invited you over because I was kinda in an art block, hence the boxes and boxes of random stuff. But I see how unnecessary that all was now.” He kisses follow the curve of your neck as one hand caresses your hips and the other creeps along your side and over your chest, lifting your shirt higher in the process. 

“In Lemuria, stretch marks are seen as a sign of growth, maturity and even vitality. They’re markings of someone strong and dedicated… These lighter ones represent new beginnings and divinity…Then, these darker ones mean finding love in creativity or creativity in love. Whichever you prefer.” He speaks quietly into your ear, these are meant for you alone. “And that represents you perfectly, doesn’t it? My beautiful muse.” 

“Now, what was it about cellulite?” The last weight that laid the heaviest on you, suddenly felt much lighter right now. “It’s just like. When my fat dimples and whatnot when I’m standing a lil bit. But especially when I’m sitting. But I don’t know how I’m supposed to show you really…” Rafayel’s heavy gaze never leaves as you stand up and fix down your shirt. He picks up on how you keep the waistband low. He wants to have his hands there again. He spreads his legs just enough so that when he pulls you towards him, you slot right between them. He lets you ponder, and he leans forward to kiss the marks on your skin, his fingers flirting with the waistband. You flinch when you feel his tongue flick out and drag along your marks. “Wait Raf..” He hums in response and stops, nuzzling into your stomach. “Yes, your majesty?” 

“Uhm..” You never thought you’d be saying this, “I have yet to show you my cellulite.” Rafayel lifts his head up to see you and nods. “Yeah that’s right. I think I know how you can show me.” Abruptly, he stands up, lifting you off the floor, and he carries you to his bedroom. “What’s your amazing idea?” You query, and in response, he puts you down on the bed, front facing down. “Just stay still.” You can feel the bed dip as he climbs on after you. “Is it okay if I take these off?” His fingers hook around your waistband. You nod, “Yes.” He pulls them off, eyes immediately going to the stretch marks he couldn’t see before. 

He swallows the saliva building in this mouth and puts his hands at the back of your knees. “Is it okay if I move my hands up cutie?” He questions, and as soon as you give the okay, he moves his hands upwards, giving a firm massage up the backs of your thighs while he works on kissing every mark on your lower back, occasionally giving small licks. He notices the dimples in your skin as he pushes his hands up towards your ass. “This is what you were worried about?” He chuckles lightly. “Oh my petite artist and your worries. These are lovely like the soft ripples of a calm ocean. Kinda reminds me of home, and the way the light barely manages to trickle through during sunset and sunrise.” The weights on your mind and soul are dissipating, and a new warm, heated feeling creeps to replace it. 

You feel a fluttering kiss right at the crease of your ass and thigh, “Rafayel–!”.

“Can’t you let me savor this a little more?” You suddenly feel his entire weight press down against you. “Please?” The sensation of his breath against the shell of your ear dances with every nerve along your body. “Every mark just keeps leading me right to…,” he rolls his hips once against you, “...your most lovely parts.” Then, just before you can look back, he turns you around himself and spreads your legs, settling them around his hips. He makes sure your hips are just high enough so his boner is nudging just right against your sex. His thumbs are gently rubbing circles at your hips, and for once since this whole ordeal, you properly meet his eyes. He’s blushing, but he’s not embarrassed or shy like he usually is. His eyes carry a stronger emotional depthness. There’s a romantic sparkle, but also this heavy lust in them. His soft lips are slightly parted to take deeper breaths, chest noticeably rising and falling. You look down, and you’re transfixed at how strained his dick is in his slacks. “Cutie, I wanna feel your beautiful body, and paint it with mine.” He leans down, holding himself up with his forearms, grinding his hips down and carefully kissing along your jaw. “Would you let me?”  He gives one final kiss to your lips and waits for your answer.  “Yes. Please.” You don't know where to place your hands, but gripping the bed feels cold, so you hold onto his shirt, one hand over his heart where it’s warmest.

“Thanks cutie.” He smirks and presses his lips against yours again. Slowly and sensually at first, but gradually deepening as he grinds his hips against you; his hands fondle at your chest, fingers grazing over your nipples. He pulls away, feeling a deep sense of pride when he picks up on how you tried to keep following. “Want more, yeah?” He takes off his shirt and works off his slacks. Then, his calloused fingers pressed against the damp spot on your underwear. “Excited aren't we, my muse?”

He leans forward to whisper in your ear, “And I am too.” He kisses down your chest and puts one nipple in his mouth as his hands tugs down your underwear. “So good for me,” He mumbles against your chest, “Just relax for me.” Carefully he pulls your hips to the edge of the bed, mouth still leaving open kisses on your chest and sucking light bruises. 

Once he was proud of the work he made of your chest, he works his kisses down against your stomach and gives a few short licks along the way before slotting his face against your pussy, letting his nose bump against your clitoral hood and tongue give long flat licks against your pussy. His thumbs help to keep you spread apart to taste every surface of you. He tries to take his time savoring you, kneeled by the bedside, but despite his best efforts, he drools and laps against you. His tongue curls up inside and then towards your clit. So engrossed in the taste and smell, he almost forgets that this was meant to please you more than himself. 

And without you realizing, the entire time, he was dancing his fingers along the stretch marks of your inner thighs. He was worshiping your body, gently massaging and soothing away the weeks worth of pain you had held up. 

He slowly changes his motion, taking shorter flat flicks against your clit, fingers sliding inside and feeling around the ribbing of your walls. He works you open to three fingers and rolls his tongue in circles around your clit. You can’t stop bucking your hips up and rubbing against his face. Your hands grapple at his head, grabbing onto whatever you can– you need him. 

As your orgasm builds up, Rafayel resists less and allows you to guide him, giving you more control of his movement. He’s losing his sensibility, so he almost needs you to move him. His cock’s achy and throbbing, tip tapping at his stomach. He reaches down to try and stop the dribbling precum from reaching the floor but it’s a useless attempt. Precum is getting all over the floor and his hand. He can barely manage a short stroke down his shaft without whimpering. He quickly realizes that he can’t do anything for himself if he doesn’t wanna cum before you, but it’s getting painful. 

He wants you to cum so bad. He’s twitching at every flutter and throb against his face. He gives up on being gentle and puts his focus on suckling on your clit. You can barely make out his meek attempts at pleading with you “please…please. Please…” With just a few more sharp tongue rolls and strokes and final harsh suckle of your clit, you cum. Quickly, he’s slurping up your orgasm, tongue taking up all you can give and gulping down as much as he can. This is his sanctuary. Where his purpose is, where he belongs, and without having realized, he came too. And it’s likely the Lemurian biology, but it doesn’t shoot out particularly far, but the semen is thick and heavy. It’s getting all over his fingers and spilling across on the floor. 

But he wants to feel just a bit more. He needs to feel more, but you pull him away. His whimpers almost sound like choked up sobs, like he’s disappointed it’s over. When you loosen your grip on him, he creeps forward to kiss you. The tip of his cock is kissing at your entrance, and you’re uncontrollably clenching. “Can I?” He looks so dazed, and lost, not completely in his right mind, and you’re not any better.

“Please.” You whine, and that’s all it takes before he’s inside you in one languid stroke. He trembles the entire time, feeling overwhelmed and overstimulated inside your pussy. 

“Thank you cutie,” you take notice of the shakiness in his voice. “But I think I’m gonna cum again soon.” His chuckle echoes through the fogginess of your mind; he sounds so distant and quiet with the ringing in your ears still there from your orgasm. “That’s okay.” You whisper back, reaching out to wrap your arms around his neck– it’s a weak attempt at grounding yourself, so he doesn’t sound so far away. “So please keep going, I love you.” Suddenly, he tenses up and shivers at your whispers, and you realize.

He came again. Right inside. Your eyes go wide. It feels like you’re slowly being filled with cum. Meanwhile, Rafayel’s still and whining into your neck. “I wasn’t ready for that… and I love you, too.” He refuses to show his face as he does shallow pumps, grinding his hips a little when he’s balls deep, like he’s trying to push it all against your cervix. “I’m sorry. I thought I’d have lasted longer.” After a few moments, when he’s finally done cumming, he leans back and watches as he slowly slides out, biting his lip at the view. His cock is completely coated in your slick, and mostly his cum. He takes a moment before pulling the tip out, wanting to really draw the last moment. But after he does, he lays down beside you, floating down from his orgasm.

“You know, I kinda knew something was up since the first time you ‘accidentally’ picked up a shift. You sounded really guilty. But I didn't think over the phone was the best time to confront you. You sounded so sad already.” He turns to hold you. “I was worried, you know? Maybe I had made you uncomfortable? I don't know, but next time don't be afraid to tell me these things. It's okay to depend on me, to ask me about these things.” You nod along, “I know, I was just worried and didn’t want to bother you.”

 “I’ve told you before, but I guess you forgot. I want every one of your bad moods.” He reaches to hold one of your hands.

“But what if I'm too moody, and it becomes a pain?” You squeeze his hand, and he does the same in kind.

“I said every. one. I truly mean it. Besides, just seeing you smile is enough to brighten my day.” 

Afterwards, there's a long pause. He breaks silence first. 

“So like… when do you wanna go shopping for swimwear? I got so many ideas of what we could wear. I bookmarked soooo many tabs.” 

You laugh at the sudden change of tone, “We?” 

“Yeah we could go matching,” he pinches your cheek before continuing, “And I'm happy that you're laughing again, but I'm serious. Don't laugh.” 

There's a light airy playfulness as the conversation continues. Giggles back and forth and light teasing. Whatever insecurities you had weighed on yourself so heavily before, feel so far away. Like it had never happened. Or like it was evaporated out of your skin, and all that’s left is a newfound appreciation for yourself.

A/N: Another week, another work done. Editing takes a lot of work btw. Rereading my own work over and over again until I'm satisfied with it. This was supposed to just be another hurt/comfort fic but it ended up having smut in the end. But it also ends on a kinda funny note, so a win in my opinion. I hope you guys enjoy reading it as much as I did. Also, sometimes I like to include lines directly from the game into my writing if I can. That's what the bolded words at the end are for. I got them from that five star memory with fireworks with Rafayel. Sparkling Traces is what it's called, I just searched it up lol.

I think the smut is pretty soft though. I didn't mean to write Rafayel as being so sensitive... but I couldn't help it. It's been 800 years, I can only imagine how pent up that guy is.

OH! Before I forget, yeah I try not to describe the MC's body as much as possible ever. Unless it's specifically for the cause like yk stretch marks and cellulite in this one. I want my writing to be inclusive to all. 🥹🫶I know it's hard to read something while being fully aware it's completely not for someone like you. I remember I was originally gonna write it with a chubby/fat reader in mind, but yk skinny/thin people have stretch marks and cellulite as well. So I decided to cut that out.

But overall, thank y'all so much for reading, and if you have any ideas or suggestions, don't be afraid to ask (if you like my writing ofc). I don't bite. Follow for short updates or if you ever wanna drop me a chat, I'm open to speaking! Please shower this with as much love or more that you gave my first post 🥹🫶I appreciate every note I get on this. It really motivates me to keep publishing my works.

[vulcan-moon]

Bro...inhibitor ring Amy...ur mind bro....

Seriously though, while I'm of the personal opinion that her bracelets are weights like they are in the GBA games, I ALSO am a diehard fan of chaos-user!Amy.  In fact, ice been saying for years now that she IS a chaos user—she just gives her more supernatural combative abilities cutesy or simplified names as opposed to Shadow's more technical naming conventions. 

Storming Heart is a derivative form of Chaos Spear, which in the games looks slower and more concussive like a bomb might be.  Rose Typhoon is just a Chaos Blast supplemented by the shockwaves she generates using her hammer. 

I wouldn't be surprised if the more technical terms for her Invisibility and Precognitive abilities—referring to her tarot readings, accurate intuition, etc.—were something along the lines of "Chaos Shroud" and "Chaos Divination" respectively.  Then there's her pocket dimension where she keeps things like her hammer and cards, so that could just be accessing her own personal "Chaos Space".  Hells, she even has a uniquely strong capacity to sense the energy of other people and things, which is what makes her such a great tracker in canon, and if the energy she's sensing is actually just the chaos energy all living things naturally possess in varying strengths and signatures, then maybe she also employs a sort of "Chaos Dowsing" technique. 

Idk if you can tell, but I'm a big Amy fan lol.  I usually just love all-arounder characters like her—seeing how she's faster than Tails and Knuckles but not Sonic, stronger than Sonic and Tails but not Knuckles, and smarter than Sonic and Knuckles but not Tails.  Also, a sweet, peppy magical girl who's greatest traits are her passion and kindness?  Sign me tf up. 

Would be funny for her to ask Shadow to teach her Chaos abilities now that she knows to take off the inhibitors and for him to be all ???? "What are you talking about? You use them all the time??" lol. My shadamy shipper heart would also just love to see them grow closer over this, but that's neither here nor there

i love amyyyy i love her so much. her abilities are so wild and all over the place and the moment you think deeper abt them youre like,,,, how tf does she do what she does actually why tf does she have a pocket dimension. and you're so right abt the naming thing!!

to me it just makes sense her being a chaos energy user. all the other hedgehogs can do it, she's got abilities that are very similar to theirs, it makes sense that she channels chaos energy too. if sega weren't cowards, she'd have a super form by now 😔

also hilariously enough im in the middle of drawing a short lil follow up comic to my last one w that premise :3c sneak peek

[misspantymime]

Grief By Proxy (Prologue)

a/n: I wanted to make something for my fav writer on this site, @cheust cause they made an awesome premise for a neglected Wayne oc and I wanted to write something for them. Even if it kinda sucks (；´∀｀). But seriously, visit their blog cause it rules.

tw: references to child abuse and unsuitable living conditions (latter is very subtle)

Yandere! Batfam x AFAB! Reader x Neglected! Wayne! AFAB! OC

The room was warm enough to chase away the winter chill from your bones. Shimmering lights beamed from everywhere around you, leaving you in a light-headed yet pleasant daze as you were led through the throngs of people that stood over you. Somewhere– it felt like it came from the back of your mind – you vaguely heard that raucous laughter of your fellow foster children. 

It sounds like fun, you thought, bemused. You would have joined them if Marcia’s, your foster mother’s, hand wasn’t firmly situated on your shoulder. The smell of smoke wafting from him, though faint, still burned the inside of your nose.

You were the oldest child of that foster home so, as your guardian said, you had to speak with the “important people”. What made them important, you didn’t quite know. All you knew was they were dressed very fancily and spoke in big words, like "disadvantaged" and "underprivileged" only a few which you could understand.

As they sipped from their shiny cups and laughed in that polite sort of way, kind of like when you said something grownups didn’t understand so they laugh even if you didn;t say something funny, you noticed her.

To be honest, it was hard to not notice her. She was actually just hidden behind a crowd of adults, at first, but then you saw the light bounce off of something in the corner of your eye. Not subtly, you turned to look.

It was a dress, you realized, that had caught your eye at first. It was not quite white but not quite blue either, with a satiny sheen that stood out from the inky shades of suits and dresses surrounding the girl in it,

White, was what you saw; blanched hair, and porcelain skin, with twinkling slate-blue eyes that hid under feather-like lashes. The girl seemed to glow under the luminous lights, among the dark suits and dresses. You couldn't hear what she was saying, but the sounds of her voice reminded you of a wind chime hanging from a porch on a windy day; it was a gentle yet ringing sort of knell that traveled through the air. It was like she was a fairy, was made of moonbeams and dandelion fluff.

You didn’t notice how, when, or why you slipped from your Marcia’s hold, somehow weaved through the crowd surrounding her, and appeared by her side. It was a trance-like state, really; not similar to a child chasing after a star that looked to be falling to the earth. All you knew was that it dissipated when you found yourself under the scrutinous eyes of all the adults and the girl, with her dress’ skirt in one of your hands. You heard a sharp intake of air, as the crowd grew hushed and murmurs rose like a flock of vultures that had been disturbed.

It felt soft in your fingers, but was growing damp as you began to sweat. Whatever you had to say or thought went blank and your mouth went dry. The fairy girl turned to look at you and paused for a second. Her face was still and pretty as a Victorian doll, but her eyes were round and shiny. For a moment, you saw a flicker of something sharp and bitter. Before it was smothered under a sort of practiced softness.

“Do you like my dress?” She asked gently, even if she already knew the answer.

Swallowing the lump in your throat, you nodded stiffly under her gaze.

With fluidity and grace unusual to a child her age, she took your hand in hers and gave you a saint-like smile.

“Thank you. I like your dress too–”

That’s a lie, you thought, but didn’t say anything. Your dress was given to you from an older girl who had left long ago, and didn’t fit quite right. You didn’t really like it, but it was the only formal wear you had.

“–my name is Celestine Wayne. It’s nice to meet you” The girl, Celestine, hummed as the tension seemed to dissipate with that simple greeting. Chuckles and coos bubbled up from the crowd at the scene, as if falling into the rhythm of Celestine’s melodic voice.

And with a sharp smile, she asked– told –you:

“Let's play, okay?”

Before spiriting you away to the far reaches of the event hall, where the straggling wallflowers and shrinking violets stubbornly hugged the sides of the vestibule. And yet, they seemed to disperse as the two of you entered and Celestine dropped your hand, before turning to look at you.

“Why’d you do that?” She asked, not angrily, just plainly.

You expected her to aks that, but you still didn’t have a good answer.

“I-I’ve never seen a dress l-like that,” You confessed, which was true enough, “It’s really pretty and… soft.”

Celestine stared at you under her pale lashes, seemingly looking for something. Whether she found something or not, she relaxed and said flatly,

“I don’t like soft stuff.”

You didn’t say anything, as she looked to have more to say, looking down at her tulle, layered dress.

“It tears without you even trying, ” Celestine proclaimed walking to the corner, where one of many large vases of blooming lilies sat, before squatting down in its shadow and gesturing you over, which you did.

Wayne was a name even you were acquainted with. From of the company to this very event for foster children across Gotham, it was hard not to hear something about it.

In the shade of the white petals and foliage, Celestine confided in you.

“I don’t like flowers either; they just look pretty for a bit and then die.” Celestine sighed.”But everyone else does so I pretend I do too.”

You stared at her, face shaded blue like the flowers above you.

“I didn’t want to come. I just talk with grownups and don’t get to play.”

“You don’t play?” You felt yourself ask. 

“Not when I come here,” She said. “I want to go outside, but it’s too cold.”

It was cold, colder than usual, but you didn’t say that, so you just nodded.

Celestine paused and looked more closely at you.

“Do you play outside?”

“Yes.” You said, because you did and she looked almost angry for a second before grumbling a little.

“I want to, too, but no one likes it when I get dirty.”

“You like getting dirty?” You asked and Clestine looked at you like you were weird for asking.

“Yes,” She answered slowly, like it was obvious, and you felt your face grow warm. “You get to see a bunch of stuff when you get dirty. Like bugs and frogs…you ever catch a frog?”

“No.”

“Me neither, but I want one.”

She fell silent, and you could feel something well up in your chest. You didn’t like the quiet, so you said what came to mind.

“I-I want a dress like yours!”

Celestine looked startled by the volume but not that surprise.

“I want soft and pretty stuff too! I want clothes that aren’t dirty. And I want a house that’s big, like this place! I want to til I’m full every day! I want…” You slowly petered off, but the feeling subsided in your chest a little.

Celestine stayed quiet, but opened her mouth like she was going to say something. But she turned her head to look at something instead, so looked too.

It was a man. Older, but still dressed fancy like all the other people here. He looked like he was looking for something. 

Or, you looked at Celestine, someone.

She sighed, like it couldn’t be helped, and stood up. You stood up too, silently and a bit embarrassed at your outburst, even if Celestine didn’t seem to care all that much. But before she left she told you this:

“If you catch me a frog, I’ll be your friend.”

And with that, she was gone.

Frogs sleep in the winter, you’d find out later when you went back to the foster home with the others. Marcia got mad at you when she saw you track cold mud into the house after hours of searching the nearest pond. You were sent to your room with a swelling face and some tears at the pain, but they were moreseo from the disappointment.

You never did catch Celestine a frog, so maybe she never was your friend.

Even up until she died.

a/n: I wanted to add just a hint of socialite! batsis. it's for flavor.

[dollfacefantasy]

help okay i hope this isn't too soon but im back and i have a thirst. So basically ive been thinking about like di leon and where hes been gone on a mission for a week and when he finally comes home he has like paper work or like something on the computer and reader is just like sitting at his feet with her head in his lap while he works and she starts getting super impatient while hes on a work call and starts to act bratty and whine and stuff and then starts to suck him off and so when he hangs up he pulls her over his knee and punishes her and then they fuck. I was hoping you could put like daddy kink cuz you write it so good i love it and you can add whatever else you think fits. Hope this wasn't too much im sorry if it was.

heyyy :) so i have a fic with a kind of similar premise for leon and thirsts are usually just little blurbs to me, so i'm just gonna write part of this but thank you for the ask. i do love the idea of doing it while on the flip phone <3

leon kennedy x fem!reader cw: nsfw (18+), smut, blowjob, daddy kink, sort of exhibitionism

The entire desk shakes as Leon's phone chimes with the notification that someone is trying to reach him. For such a small device, it sure had a lot of vibration power.

Normally, he'd just reach over and grab it. Flip open the small cellphone, scan the caller ID, and hold it to his ear with his obligatory "Kennedy speaking."

But right now, he hesitates. He hesitates because you're beneath his desk. You'd managed to tug his pants loose and worm your fingers around his length. Your hand strokes him slowly, moving up and down as you look up at him with those alluring eyes of yours.

He'd been away on a mission for a few weeks, and as expected, your ache for him had grown strong. It would be easy to just brush your hands off and send you away till he finished working at his desk, but he had missed you too. He found it sweet, your need to be attached to him after some time apart. The only thing worse than having to leave you for so long would watching those pretty eyes fill with the sting of rejection.

"Be good while daddy's on the phone," he says quietly, as if he already had the other person on the line, "If you get me in trouble, I promise you your ass is gonna get it tenfold."

You nod in a display of your obedience, as if he was a fool to question you at all.

With your small reassurance, he grabs his phone and whips it open. Chris Redfield. Ok, so at least there was a chance it wouldn't be something too serious.

"Hey, man," he says as he brings it to his ear.

From your place on the ground, you can hear the muffled sound of his friend's voice. It's of no concern to you though. You rest your cheek on his thigh while your eyes stay locked on his cock held between your digits. You stroke it up and down, watching the flushed appendage with adoration.

Above you, he mumbles "mhm's" and "oh yeah, for sure's.” You don’t pay much attention beyond those brief affirmations. All you can think is how bad you want it in your mouth. It just looks so good, and it's been too long since you've had it.

But you shouldn't, right? He told you to be good. But this would feel so good for both of you. It seems like a win-win from your perspective.

"Yeah, that's bullshit. I don't blame you I would've done the- fuck," Leon says, getting cut off by his own hissed expletive as your lips engulf the tip of his dick.

You hear a muffled response on the other end, but you don't look up to see your boyfriend's reaction. Instead, you work his shaft deeper into your mouth.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Sorry. Got a cramp in my leg. I get 'em bad after assignments," he mutters.

His hand comes to rest on the back of your head, so clearly, he wasn't too displeased with what you were doing down there.

You brace yourself on his thighs, pads of your fingers digging into the meat of his legs. Rising and falling, your head bobs. You coat the flushed skin with your saliva, letting it dribble from your mouth down to his balls.

His teeth dig into his bottom lip as he wrestles with the desire to moan. Poor Chris on the other side of this call. Not a word he said was taking root in Leon's brain. The short responses were even more half-hearted than before.

"I'm listening. Sorry, I was just... preoccupied when you called, y'know?" you hear him mumble.

You swirl your tongue over the ridge and pull off to lap at more of him. Your hand strokes what your mouth can't cover. You know all his favorite tricks, and you're putting each one to use right now.

Leon runs a hand through his hair, a bit of sweat beginning to break out across his forehead. His eyes flutter, and he closes them as if that would make it easier to stave off the impending explosion of ecstasy. A soft grunt comes from him, one he's hoping isn't loud enough to raise suspicion.

"What? Yeah, she's home right now... I don't know where she is. She's... doing something around here," he responds to Chris asking about you.

A laugh rumbles through the phone. Chris says something along the lines of "you're something else."

"What?" Leon defends, "I swear I'm listening I just-"

He has to stop talking then and there. If he kept going, his words would've morphed into one of the most humiliating whines heard by him, you, and Chris. He couldn't have that. When he recovers, his next words come rushing out.

"I just gotta call you back. Give me about an hour," he says, not waiting for a reply before clapping the phone shut.

His hips buck upwards, and both of his hands land on your head, making you take all of it. You gag a little, but he doesn't lighten up.

"No, no, baby. You wanted daddy so bad. You're gonna take all of me now. No whining," he chides through a clenched jaw.

Your eyes water. You tough it out though and let him fuck your throat till you feel that familiar pulse on your tongue. He lets go down your throat, spilling himself into the warmth of your mouth with a groan. His body slumps into the chair as he rides it out. Only when he's done does he finally let you go.

You pull back and recede onto your haunches, catching your breath. As air refills your lungs, things seem clearer. The moment of relief only lasts a short while though. Seconds later your being pulled up and slung across his lap.

A pout graces your lips as you look up at him.

"Ah ah. Don't look at me like that. What'd I tell you?" he says, already rubbing your ass in preparation for the spanking you're about to get.

"But you didn't get in trouble!" you protest.

"You didn't know that when you pulled that stunt though, so you still are," he teases before landing a firm swat on your ass.

The first of many to come.

[drabbletron]

The French Variety??

Premise: Lost Light members learn of human “French” kissing. || Cybertronians already know about kissing (as they use the term a few times in the comics), but what about French kissing?? Is tongue/glossa common use? Potentially. If we look at Alex Milne’s multi-volume transformers zine (exclusive to conventions to my knowledge) Hot Motor Oil. There is an image of the pairing MegOpLita and in it we see that there is a strand of saliva (pink as they are cybertronians) connecting Megatron and Elita-one’s mouths. For the sake of this idea though, I will pretend that they don’t really go that extra mile to shove their glossa in each other’s mouths. || Swerve has the most knowledge of this practice and its name from the fact that he has consumed so much Earth media. He has always wanted to try it with someone, but so far no one has been a viable option.

Tailgate unfortunately cannot participate. He wants to so badly, but he has no glossa and no lips. That doesn’t mean he can’t use a holomatter avatar, but he really wanted to do it as a cybertronian.

Fortress Maximus has never heard of it. Since he was built during the war there’s hardly been a need to investigate those kinds of things. He isn’t opposed to trying it if his partner is into it, but he hasn’t really had the chance as he was a warden for so long.

Megatron was never one to be interested in those sorts of things and is in a similar bucket as Fortress Maximus. He has commented on being lonely but handling that sort of thing requires a lot of trust and patience, something that he is so very new to (depending on whether this occurs after the events in the Lost Light comic).

Rodimus is super all in about it and has seen humans doing that up close and personal once or twice in his time on Earth. It was weird at first, but it ended up growing on him. He would totally be down to learn to do it and is fully interested in practicing with you.

Skids is intrigued as he is very good at learning new skills, and if this skill can be used against you in some way then he is doubly for it. He masters it so easily and he is always wanting to learn and do new things with you so expect lots of questions about it and other things of that nature.

Trailcutter/Trailbreaker is caught off guard at the idea, but he can easily be brought around to the idea of doing that sort of thing. He does write it off as some sort of thing that humans do that’s a little on the weird side, but nothing he can’t handle. He’s surprisingly good at it when he applies himself to it.

[utilitycaster]

Hi, would just like to say thank you for writing up so much meta on campaign 3, it is keeping me sane seeing similar thoughts to what I’ve had written down coherently.

The last couple asks you’ve answered have got me thinking about how campaign 3 ended up like this (indecisive characters, weird nonsensical themes, only setpieces and maybe a ship or two being memorable) and I remember hearing that c3 was described by Matt as ”Pulpy” and I keep coming back to that and thinking that there was never even meant to be a big decision. From what I’ve read of old pulp fiction dnd novels it's pretty much “here’s the big bad go defeat/seal/slap them on the wrist, have fun on the way there with several cool setpieces and romance!” and I wonder if there was even meant to be a god debate at all or if it was just picked up in the middle of the story by the cast. It could explain why the characters wouldn't fit the story if this wasn’t meant to be the story.

Cause a character who goes with the flow is fine in those books and a character who only looks into what is thrust upon them works, but it feels like somewhere it tried to be more and just fell apart.

Because even now the story does feel pulpy but just held down by a narrative it isn’t handling well. 119 was a great episode and having the Raven Queen show up in the middle to give boons is an incredibly cool beat that would be memorable as hell but for it to end up as another god debate just sucks. But the rest of the campaign sort of does that with cool beats that end up dragged down in one way or another so its not unique I guess

I know you talked about the “pulpy”ness of c3 a while ago and was wondering if you had more thoughts now that we’re in the endgame for the campaign

I do - this is all rather speculative but in some discussions with other people one possible explanation that's come up is that Matt genuinely didn't expect the characters to be so hesitant to save the gods or stop Ludinus or sympathize with the the Vanguard, and has kind of pivoted to make a campaign that accomodates those doubts...but in doing so sort of fucked his end premise of "we must deal with Predathos". Which, you know, makes a lot of sense! What if Hearthdell was intended as a glimpse into why people might join something like the Vanguard to introduce an element of complexity to a party that (quite reasonably I might add) had said "these people are a fucking scourge on Exandria" but instead served to fan the flames of "well the gods didn't give me things when I asked so yeah we should let them be eaten"? What if the fetch quests to the Shattered Teeth or the scouting mission were like the quest for vestiges - something that the party desperately wished to do to achieve a deeply felt goal - and not something they had to be nudged along to do every step of the way? What if the party went into the final confrontation with any consensus or intention? Because then yeah a pulpier "you're taking on the Big Bad Ultimate Threat...but your MOTHER is on THEIR side" a la vintage superhero comics plays out much more coherently. I cannot stress enough that the cultural touchstone Matt brings up about the campaign is the 2012 Avengers film. Regardless of some posts I've seen (which tend to assume anything the cast has ever read/watched/played is an influence, which is. incorrect) that is your starting point.

The thing about all the "take a third option" and "status quo" talk surrounding this campaign is...this post is actually a good description of how it plays out in real life. Like yeah there's a lot of political constructs within the world that are stupid and unjust! However it is unproductive, naive, and idiotic to act as though just because you don't like them they aren't part of a complex system that needs thoughtful dismantling (at least, if you place any value on human life) or worse, that they simply don't exist because they shouldn't. Sometimes you genuinely do have two choices and neither is ideal and if you do not choose between them because you're holding out for a better option the choice is made for you, and often, it's the worse one. Sometimes there is in fact a problem caused by something stupid that you cannot undo in time to solve said problem, and it is selfish and childish to say "well I think this shouldn't be a problem" and leave it at that. You will fail in your endeavors if you do this. People will see that's your approach and stop listening to anything you say.

Bells Hells feel like that to me and it's not even entirely their fault. I think because Matt had such a clear endgame in mind in the sense of "face off against Predathos" and the party was so ill-suited, and the early pacing was genuinely already bad, he's sort of tried to pivot away by following every dumb idea Bells Hells have to perhaps funnel them towards that endgame. And this is a problem too, because it means the plot doesn't push back on them and they do not grow as people, which means that a lot of us are getting tired with their shit. It's telling that most of Bells Hells' loudest defenders are the "well, if you're traumatized, you're excused from all responsibility for your actions ever :)" types within the fandom because like, part of why people are sick of Laudna's shit (for example) is that it's like ok I agree you shouldn't have an evil wizard in your head but you do, so like, what are you doing about it. And because she hadn't done anything about it and because they had to get to Predathos we had our Deus Essek Machina situation, which to be clear, not mad about, but it also means Laudna never really learned or grew from this. And to be clear she's not alone; part of the frustration around Ashton is it seemed like they DID have a revelation around shardgate and then immediately discarded it.

There's many more factors I'm sure but just to sum up:

Matt has a very clear overarching plot in mind [and, also, probably was creating a campaign for characters who see point 3 had more realized worldviews and goals and investment in their communities]

Matt does not give the cast much guidance in creating characters for that plot; "pulpy" is really tonal and not even genre

Cast, having played characters specifically designed for the "complex and morally gray and must be from the continent the campaign is set on" campaign last, turn to wacky and go-with-the-flow types

Overarching plot kicks in; characters do not behave as expected

Matt tries to embrace/encourage this by getting the party to follow what they want to do

Go-with-flow/take no responsibility party doesn't know what they want to do

endless loop of a DM trying to adjust the direction of flow to a directionless party instead of imposing a direction/Cast trying to take direction cues from a DM who keeps throwing more options at them in the hopes one will appeal to them which turns into a "what do you want to do" "I don't know what do you want to do" situation.

[thewertsearch]

Decided to take a little look at the Formspring over the weekend. 

I’m not sure exactly where I left off last time, so I decided to start from the last question I commented on - which means that these are old questions, from way back in the Hivebent era. 

I don’t know if it’s because I’m fairly young, or because I’m not American, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen a reference to either of these shows. I haven’t even heard of the second one.

Let me live, Hussie!

We get some hard numbers for Homestuck’s readership, although I’m sure it had grown significantly by the time Cascade rolled around. For reference, this was posted around the time of WV: Rise up.

Karkat originally described Semi-Perfect Jack as ‘something higher than a queen or a king’, which really made it sound like Jack was stronger than either - but I suppose this makes sense, too. 

Jack’s not necessarily stronger than the Queen was - but he’s definitely more dangerous, because he doesn’t follow the normal rules of a Ringbearer. The Queen was a bad-tempered moderator, but Jack is a troll who’s stolen the moderator’s password. 

Hussie’s constant teasing of Team Sleuth is honestly pretty funny. 

I suppose it makes sense that Prospitian Agents would have different priorities - but what about Prospitian Exiles, Hussie? We’re about to be introduced to four new ones, and they could be anyone. 

I like Hussie’s take on creating web content. I agree - you should be making what you want to make, not what gets you the most clicks. 

If I had to knock one point off of Homestuck’s rating, it would be due to the comic’s obsession with clowns. My apologies to all the clown lovers out there, but I simply cannot get into them.

I’ve never seen Lost, myself. I hear it initially had potential, but fell apart later on when it had to keep the promises made by its premise. 

But I think was sold it for me was when I got the idea to mix the pairs of slime from their respective guardians. The whole weird mess struck me as an especially novel origin story, and the thought of making these 8 babies all at once was just ridiculous enough to be irresistible. Not just because of the mad science/time travel/paradoxical novelty, but because of the new light it put the characters under. Especially the guardians I think. These weird automaton-like authority figures, mostly obstacles in the early going, are quite probably very much like the kids, just at different stages in their weird lives (i.e. the ones where they lose their facial features). They're all kind of like siblings in a way, even if not all biological. (Though some are!) And I think you could pick up on that from some of the early interactions, that for instance Rose was likely a very similar person to her mom. Her mom just happened to be an adult!

Hussie originally saw the Guardians as pretty similar to their kids - and Rose, in particular, would be quite similar to Mom. We’ve already seen that Rose takes after her father, but it sounds like Roxy’s going to match her vibes, too. 

Laughing my ass off at the implication that there’s an upper limit to that number. 

Damn it, I really was hoping for some sort of anime showdown during the finale. 

Mind you, Hussie’s not saying it won’t happen - just that if it does, it won’t take up a third of the comic’s runtime. 

God, I am so here for nunchuck Sollux, and I’m getting sadder and sadder that these forum threads are all gone. I wonder what other early headcanons people had for the trolls? 

Heh.

See, I kind of figured that Homestuck wouldn’t get fully into the nitty-gritty of a Sburb campaign - but damn, would I still love to see it. I suppose speculating about the game’s mechanics is just as fun, though. 

This answer seems to confirm that Terezi had no idea what the Doomsday Scale really was. 

I wonder what she thought about the fact that it bore her sign? Did she wonder about the Pyrope who left it there, or did she already have a pretty good idea of who it was likely to be? 

[everythingmp3]

link to my AO3

masterlist:

adult Van Palmer (least to most recent)

you´re my religion (religious imagery kink)

impatient (car sex)

leave a mark (bruises in a sweet way)

i´ve missed you

ease the pain (comfort smut)

loves embrace (same as above)

provocation

my friend´s date

sneaking around ( "my parents friend" type story)

in good hands (meeting her at Lotties compound)

all I need (hurt/comfort, no smut)

my angel, my sin

being her gf headcanons

by her side (sweet vibe, no smut)

late night love (similar as the one above)

more gf headcanons (how she takes care of you)

nsfw headcanons

a slow morning (short but sweet)

pretty stranger (a bit longer <3)

soft like silk (gf!Van again, more romantic smut)

melting the ice (shes a professor, a bit longer too)

please be mine (hurt/comfort vibe, still some fun though)

giving in (you work for her, mutual crush)

headcanons about her being your ex (a bit more than that, but thats the premise)

being adult taivans younger lover headcanons

a warm kind of love (christmas/winter fic)

no need to be brave (the only fic related to her illness, emotional/romantic vibe but some smut too)

changing her ways (one-night-stand turns into something more intense/romantic)

in an empty theater (she owns a cinema and uses it to her advantage with you)

can’t get enough (heavier on the smut than usual, my horniest one for her I’d say, but sweet too bc established relationship <3)

farmer!Van headcanons (sort of a narrative, romantic with decent amount of nsfw hcs)

stealing time with her (heavier on the smut again but also pretty sweet bc its gf!Van)

teen Van

the kiss you never tasted (no smut, just light nsfw)

teen Nat

secretly dating her while shes the antler queen headcanons

Tess Servopoulos

multi-chapter/ long fics

soft core / something to lose (Jackson AU series, part 1+2)

crossing lines / the sweetest secret ( no outbreak AU series, part 1+2, available both on here on ao3, nearly 50k words together)

a hidden heat (summer camp/no outbreak AU, 30k words)

one-shots:

let me help (hurt/comfort in a way, my first fic for her)

playing dirty

closest to heaven (a shorter one)

[dailyadventureprompts]

Dm Tip: Playing the Villain/ Guidelines for "Evil" Campaigns

I've never liked the idea of running an evil game, despite how often I've had people in my inbox asking how I'd go about it. I'm all about that zero-to-hero heroic fantasy not only because I'm a goodie twoshoes IRL but because the narrative-gameplay premise that d&d is built around falls apart if the party is a bunch of killhappy murder hobos. Not only would I get bored narrating such a game and indulging the sort of players who demands the freedom to kill and torture at will (I've had those before and they don't get invited back to my table), but the whole conceit of a party falls through when the obviously villainous player characters face their first real decision point and attempt to kill eachother because cooperation is a thing that goodguys do.

Then I realized I was going about it all wrong.

The problem was I had started out playing d&d with assholes, those "murder and torture" clowns who wanted to play grand-theft-auto in the worlds I'd created and ignore the story in favour of seeing how much unchallenged chaos they could create. They set my expectations for what an evil campaign was, and I spent the rest of my time developing as a dungeonmaster thinking " I Don't want any part of that"

But what would an evil campaign look like for my playgroup of emotionally healthy friends who understand character nuance? What would I need to change about the fundamental conceit of d&d adventures to refocus the game on the badguys while still following a similar enough narrative-gameplay premise to a hero game? How do we make that sort of game relatable? What sort of power/play fantasy can we indulge in without going off the deepend?

TLDR: In an evil campaign your players aren't playing the villains, they're the MINIONS, they're mooks, henchmen, goons, lackeys. They're the disposable underlings of uncaring overseers who have nothing but ill intent towards them and the world at large.

Where as in a hero game the party is given the freedom to challenge and overthrow corrupt systems, in an evil game the party is suck as part of that corrupt system, forced to bend and compromise and sacrifice in order to survive. The fantasy is one of escaping that corrupt system, of biding your time just long enough to find an opening, find the right leverage, then tossing a molitov behind you on the way out.

Fundamentally it's the fantasy of escaping a shitty job by bringing the whole company down and punching your asshole boss in the face for good measure.

Below the cut I'm going to get into more nuance about how to build these kinds of narratives, also feel free to check out my evil party tag for campaigns and adventures that fit with the theme.

Designing a campaign made to be played from the perspective of the badguys requires you to take a different angle on quest and narrative design. It’s not so simple as swapping out the traditionally good team for the traditionally bad team and vis versa, having your party cut through a dungeon filled with against angel worshiping holyfolk in place of demon worshipping cultists etc. 

Instead, the primary villain of the first arc of the campaign should be your party’s boss. Not their direct overseer mind you, more CEO compared to the middle managers your party will be dealing with for the first leg of their journey. We should know a bit about that boss villain’s goals and a few hints at their motivation, enough for the party to understand that their actions are directly contributing to that inevitable doom.

“Gee, everyone knows lord Heldred swore revenge after being banished from the king’s council for dabbling in dark magic. I don’t know WHY he has us searching for these buried ancient tablets, but I bet it’s not good”

Next, you need a manager, someone who’s a part of the evil organization that the party directly interfaces with. The manager should have something over the party, whether it be threats of force, blackmail, economic dependency… anything that keeps the antiheroes on the manager’s leash. Whether you make your manager an obvious asshole or manipulative charmer, its important to maintain this power imbalance:   The party arn’t going to be rewarded when the boss-villain’s plan goes off, the manager is, but the manager’s usefulness to the boss-villain is contingent on the work they’re getting the party to do.  This tension puts us on a collison course to our first big narrative beat: do the party get tired of the manager’s abuse and run away? Do they kill the manager and get the attention of the upper ranks of the villainous organization? Do they work really hard at their jobs despite the obvious warning signs and outlive their usefulness? Do they upstage their manager and end up getting promoted, becoming rivals for the boss-villain’s favor? 

Building this tension up and then seeing how it breaks makes for a great first arc, as it lets your party determine among themselves when enough is enough, and set their goals for what bettering the situation looks like. 

As for designing those adventures, you’ll doubtlessly realize that since the party arn’t playing heroes you’ll need to change how the setup, conflict, and payoff work. They’re still protagonists, we want them to succeed after all, but we want to hammer home that they’re doing bad things without expecting them to jump directly to warcrimes. 

Up to no good: The basic building block of any evil campaign, our party need to do something skullduggerous without alerting the authorities.  This of course is going to be easier said than done, especially when the task spins out of control or proves far more daunting than first expected. The best the party can hope for is to make a distraction and then escape in the chaos, but it will very likely end with them being pursued in some manner (bounties, hunters, vengeful npcs and the like).  Use this setup early in a campaign so you have an external force gunning for your party during the remainder of their adventures. 

Dog eat dog:  It’s sort of cheating to excuse your party’s villainous actions by having them go up against another villain who happens to be worse than they are. The trick is that we’re not going after this secondary group of outlaws because they’re bad, we’re doing it because they’ve either got something the boss wants, or they’re edging in on the boss’s turf.  This sort of plotline sees the party disrupting or taking advantage of a rival’s operation, then taking over that operation and risking becoming just as villainous as that rival happened to be. This can also be combined with an “Up to no good” plot where both groups of miscreants need to step carefully without alerting an outside threat. 

The lesser evil: This kind of plot sees your party sent out to deal with an antagonistic force that’s a threat not only to the boss’s plans but to everyone in general. In doing so they might end up fighting alongside some heroes, or accidentally doing good in the long run. This not only gives your party a taste of heroism, but gives them something in their back pocket that could be used to challenge the boss-villain in the future.  

The double cross: In order to get what they want, the party need to “play along” with a traditional heroic narrative long enough to get their goal and then ditch. You have them play along specifically so they can get a taste of what life would be like if they weren't bastards, as well as to make friends with the NPCs inevitably going to betray. This is to make it hurt when you have the manager yank the leash and force the party to decide between finishing the job , or risk striking out on their own and playing hero in the short term while having just made a long term enemy. This is sort of plot is best used an adventure or two into the campaign, as the party will have already committed some villainous deeds that one good act can’t blot out. 

Next, lets talk about the sort of scenarios you should be looking to avoid when writing an evil campaign:

Around the time I started playing d&d there was this trend of obtusely binary morality systems in videogames which claimed to offer choice but really only existed to let the player chose between the power fantasy of being traditionally virtuous or the power fantasy of being an edgy rebel. Early examples included:

Do you want to steal food from disaster victims? in Infamous

Do you as a space cop assault a reporter who’s being kind of annoying to you? in Mass Effect

Do you blow up an entire town of innocent people for the lols? in Fallout (no seriously check out hbomberguy’s teardowm on fallout 3’s morality system and how critics at the time ate it up)

I think these games, along with the generational backwash of 90s “edge” and 00s “grit” coloured a lot of people's expectations ( including mine) about what a "villain as protagonist" sort of narrative might look like. They're childish exaggerations, devoid of substance, made even worse by how blithely their narratives treat them.

Burn down an inn full of people is not a good quest objective for an evil party, because it forces the characters to reach cartoonish levels of villainy which dissociates them from their players. Force all the villagers into the inn so we can lock them inside and do our job uninterrupted lets the party be bad, but in a way that the players can see the reason behind it and stay synced up with their characters. The latter option also provides a great setup for when the party's actually monstrous overseer sets the inn on fire to get rid of any witnesses after the job is done. Now the party (and their players) are faced with a moral quandary, will they let themselves be accessories to a massacre or risk incurring their manager's wrath? Rather than jumping face first into cackling cruelty, these sorts of quandaries have them dance along the knife's edge between grim practicality and dangerous uncertainly; It brings the player and character closer together.

Finally, lets talk about ending the villain arc:

I don't think you can play a whole evil campaign. Both because the escalation required is narratively unsustainable, but also because the most interesting aspect of playing badguys is the breaking point. Just like heroes inevitably having doubts about whether or not they're doing the right thing, there's only so long that a group of antiheroes can go along KNOWING they're doing the wrong thing before they put their feet down and say "I'm out". I think you plan a evil campaign up until a specific "there's no coming back from this" storybeat, IE letting the Inn burn... whether or not the party allows it to happen, it's the lowest point the narrative will allow them to reach before they either fight back or allow themselves to be subsumed. If they rebel, you play out the rest of the arc dismantling the machine they helped to build, taking joy in its righteous destruction. If they keep going along, show them what they get for being cogs: inevitably betrayed, sacrificed, or used as canon fodder when the real heroes step in to do their jobs for them.

Art

[senblades]

Hi :)

I love your art and your writing, and you have such a great grasp of these characters that I was wondering if you have any fic recs? Rating doesn't matter ;)

boy do I! (and ty for the compliment <3 <3 <3)

[cracks knuckles] alrighty:

The Dissapearence of Goro Akechi by Kupowonders - Probably my favourite fic ever, honestly- it's like. derailing the plot of persona 5 post-medjed thanks to the persona 4 accomplice ending years prior. (So, spoilers for p4 in that, too) it's. very good.

Marigolds by Colbub - Akechi gets ng+'ed to right when he started working for Shido, and has to take a good look at the future to come and be like "Aight how the fuck do I fix this". Fun times!

Daredevil, You've hit the wall by ez_cookie. Essentially, p5 Strikers but Sumire and Goro get to be in on the fun, too. And, there's a direct sequel currently being updated that's a similar premise for p5 Tactica. very very good stuff

A Tale of Two Tricksters by Zoe2k8 - Murder boyfriends! ...sort of? Angst! Angst and murder boyfriends! An oversimplification, obviously, but I'm not kidding when I say this fic is amazing and is also over a million words holy shit-

Throw away your mask by MollyPollyKinz - Another ng+ situation for Akechi, but this time the poor guy gets thrown all the way to 2009. You can imagine how well that goes (For the audience, less so for Akechi himself.)

The Crow Cries at Midnight by Dorked. hehe this one is very fun. Basically, a series of coincedencs causes Akechi to get thrown into the plot of persona 4. No time travel here! Just a grumpy 12/13 year-old Akechi trying to solve a murder mystery

The entire Tales of Chaos series by Eternalmomentss (The first one is called Like sand between your fingers) Very very good stuff! Something of a character study, I would say, of Ren and Goro. Plus, all the funky plot stuff that comes from trickster-typical bad luck and poor descision making. I really love this series hehe

uhh this post is getting very long I need to make this less wordy- lightning round?

Hunger for a life by Leonawriter - do you like vampires? I sure do! Mix that and the p5 plot and you get shenanigins. [evil laughter] a lot of shenanigins

Fishbowl by KivaEmber - Akechi has a terrible time in Maruki's reality. And I mean a terrible time

You have a beautiful smile underneath that mask by Saposaki - Akechi has a crush on Akira and Joker has a crush on Crow. No one is aware of the other's secret identity. Dramatic irony and hilarity ensues.

MASTERMiND by StumblingBlock - No Metaverse au where Akira really doesn't want to follow in the footsteps of his crime family, and fails miserably

Rose and Rot by SixteenJuniper - Read this!! I'm serious!! "A fun fantasy adventure" don't listen to Juniper. You'll be in tears by chapter two. (/pos, of course) (Seriously this fic is incredible)

Redressing the Balance by Convocated - ...almost a ng+? Ng+, in the sense that shuake are getting funky visions that are very quickly derailing the standard plot of p5r. This causes problems of the "Someone get the popcorn and maybe the tissues" variety

She's got a heartbeat full of lead (And she's aiming straight for the head) by Dots - This fic haunts me, often. In the best way possible, of course; but seriously, read it

Cracked into by SydneyHorses - Ren makes bad descisions and it becomes Akechi's problem. 2/2 timeloop, perhaps most notably featuring HaruGoro friendship! Love love love this fic

Okay that wasn't as "less wordy" as I intended but it'll do

Aaaand that's a wrap! Sorry for the long post.. and this is by no means all of the fics that I've ever loved (nor are the ones here in any particular order) but I swear we'll be here all week if I keep going HAHA

ty for the ask (and again for the kind words), anon! Hope this was helpful and to your tastes! (I... hope you like Shuake HAHA it's present in most of these- I assume you do, since you came to me (points at literally everything shuake I've made) of all people, but uh. Some of these fics are gen if it's not to your liking?)

[peaterookie]

Why Do I Like (Manga) Lupin? (yes this is finished)

The not-so-long awaited question shall be answered today!!! I'm sure so many people are so excited for me to talk about Lupin for the 90 billionth time.

This will be a normal and short post, trust me.

But seriously, has anyone actually stopped and wondered: Why do I like this character so much? Why did my brain choose this character and not another? Have you ever stopped and thought about the psychology that goes into why your heart pours so much of itself into just some fictional character, that might just make you become a more well-adjusted individual in society if you just hadn't been aware of them?

I love everything about Lupin III, if you haven't known already. But I also like psychology, and talking about myself. So let me guide you through the crevices of my brain and show you why I love him so much. After this you will surely gain an appreciation for him at least, if not invite him to live inside your brain rent free.

Chapters:

Name

Design

Personality

How Lupin Changed my Life

Other Stuff!

Chapter 1: Name

sorry guys but WE GOTTA TALK IN LENGTH ABOUT HIS NAME

I think it's a really cool name!! Before I got into the series, the name Lupin III has always caught my eye. It describes straightforwardly a lot of his character premise: He's the grandchild of the well renowned thief Arsene Lupin. Wouldn't that kind of character already sound interesting to you?

I think there are very few works of fiction where the title/name of the character already tells you everything you need to know about the series. And to that i find it pretty impressive.

Aside from that, I think Lupin is a cute and fun name to say. It's very funny to have an absolute psychopath be named Loop-on. That's a grown ass man dude.

Him being the third generation is also quite interesting. You typically see people when making a fan-child of a character usually have it be a direct offspring, but no, MP skipped a whole generation to write about Arsene Lupin's grandchild.

That, of course, makes sense because he needed to have it match the time period he is writing it in, but being the third gen brings a deeper sense of inferiority to Lupin that being the second wouldn't have. We get the impression that he isn't as good as the past two Lupins and also that he is probably the most disconnected to the identity of the gentleman thief, reflected in how he dresses and acts. He's a lot more modern and young, I think this disconnect helps him be his own character.

Lastly, I find the lack of first name very intriguing. It probably doesnt have any significance but i like to think that his parents didnt give a fuck enough to give him his own first name. It's okay because he doesn't need one. His name is already that good.

Chapter 2: Design

Lupin III is designed with the manga medium in mind. Since manga is primarily in black and white, Monkey Punch needed the character to have good contrast and be easily drawn in any sort of poses and angles. I'd say he did a great job in the end, and Lupin's design is one of the best I've ever seen.

His sleek black body compliments extremely well with his jacket and tie, which with its bright colors, makes his body stand out. Having shirt and pants be black also lessens the need to add detail onto the clothes. In a way he functions like a stickman.

His head is also interestingly featureless, which makes it quite distinct from many other characters with their unique hair styles. I think it works well with his motif of being able to disguise as anybody. The sideburns also give him extra unique points and his hairline gives him a fun facial shape. I remember seeing a screenshot where Monkey Punch stated that he initially wanted Lupin to have hair similar to Goemon's, but decided against it because it would take too much time. I think this was a good choice on his part, and that sort of hair style I assumed was then reused for Lupin's child design.

(terrifying.)

Another thing I find cool about his design is just the overall roundness of it. Have you guys ever wondered why Lupin, this bastard trickster of man, has such smooth and round shapes ? Wouldn't it make more sense personality wise for him to have more sharper shapes to encompass his wild nature?

(im not going to be your art teacher and explain shape languages to you guys, here's a picture.)

Personally, I think the round shapes are to show Lupin's softer side. While he is cunning and evil, he also exhibits a child-like and playful personality and overall his movements are quite bouncy, kind of like a bouncing ball!

In contrast though, I feel like that appearance is also to disguise his sinister side, to make him look softer than he truly is. Although his shapes are round, they are composed of rugged lines, topped with angular posing, and a sharp smile. It gives you the impression that he doesn't really fit into the soft and friendly mold.

Wow, I'm this far into the design chapter and I haven't even talked about how he looks like a monkey yet! I think for that I'm better than about half of the Lupin fans already /hj

I believe his monkey-like appearance was unintentional, but what I find pretty funny about it is that it really does fit Lupin in a way. Monkeys, often depicted as goofy and friendly animals in media, are actually quite dangerous and unpredictable animals if not handled properly. Lupin is also a smart but dangerous character, but gets softened up throughout the series to attract a more diverse audience. (Not saying that Lupin isn't goofy and silly, he is, but I feel like it's a vast oversimplification of his character.)

Monkey analysis is over, let's move on.

Lastly... Lupin III is SO FUN TO DRAW!!! Adding all that I've talked about; his monkey-like head, the nice contrast on his outfit, and the general simplicity of his design, his design is simple to draw and very malleable. I get a lot of mileage out of designing outfits for him and drawing him in various styles, so there's a lot of room to add your own artistic charm to him! I also love how there's really no correct way to color him either. Monkey Punch experimented wildly on his color palette in the past; he has a variety of outfit palette and skin color and that sort of looseness is very awesome...

His variety of expressions is also one of the best things about this design because. there's just so much you can work with and it makes him like literally the best character ever you don't understand. You can not look at this set of panels and not love this goofball.

and uh oh yeah he's really hot and I want him.

Chapter 3: Personality

I've tried avoiding talking about his personality in the last chapter, but now it's time to go ALL OOOOOOUUUTT

I've always loved the trickster character archetype ever since I was conscious. There's something very entertaining about a character that throws away any sort of moral responsibility and decides to troll the entire world. They always have extremely charming and lovable personalities as well, and Lupin is no exception!

Let's start at the surface level. I love how much of a BASTARD he is. I love how much he gets on everyone's nerves (including mine's) just by merely existing and he is proud of it. Those types of characters are so fun to follow because they make everything they do and anything around them a laughingstock, Lupin often has a shit-eating grin whenever he knows he's doing something bad and it's so entertaining!! It's also equally satisfying when he gets punished for being a bastard and I love seeing him suffer.

On top of being a bastard, he's also an ASSHOLE. Manga Lupin is a massive asshole and he exists to shit on the world whenever it does anything against him. He gets angry very often in the manga and it gets fucking crazy whenever someone ticks him off. He will literally do anything to get back to whoever pissed him off and it is super funny. He's an angry, dramatic, pouty shithead. Love him for that.

Speaking of dramatic, his strongest points as a character is just how expressive he can be. It's endearing just how much emotion is stored in that man's body and I'm drawn to those kinds of characters because despite my personality being sorta big here, I have a lot of trouble expressing myself in real life. So seeing characters like that just being able to express freely feels very empowering to me even if Lupin looks like a little bitch when he does it sometimes.

I'm also very endeared by his mannerisms. He moves very... strangely (like most MP characters do) but I think he exudes this weirdness much more due to his eccentricity and expressive personality. It makes me think that he's neurodivergent but we will talk about this later. His expressions are also really exaggerated and funny, he's like genetically engineered to act as entertaining as possible and I really enjoy observing the way he does things like watching a bug in a cup.

Okay okay I'm done with talking surface level shit. Let's talk about all of Lupin.

I don't only just enjoy trickster characters, I also like characters that have multiple layers to them (like onions) and Manga Lupin is probably the best example of this.

"I wanted to make Lupin a top-notch villain, but I also wanted to make Lupin an extremely human man. The result was the meticulous and perfectionist assassin, with a gruff, awkward, and clumsy personality."

The best part about Lupin is how multi-faceted he is. He is both a genius and an idiot, cruel but kind, emotional and logical. He is the type of man you can imagine existing in real life because his actions and feelings are extremely realistic and sometimes even relatable!!

Every one of us don't just have a single personality, there are suitable moments to be serious, suitable moments to be silly, we are never always one extreme over the other. Like Lupin, some of us are smart but are bumbling idiots on certain things, and we all have the capacity to be both the kindest people alive or commit atrocities on others. That level of complexity and humanity in Lupin makes me feel very connected to him on a level I've never experienced from any other fictional character, because he feels like a character that any of us can become if we take the wrong steps in life.

Some people say that manga Lupin is a very inconsistent character and frankly I disagree with that and I don't like how non-manga readers spread that around to diminish his character. I feel like many people fail to acknowledge the nuance he has; he is inconsistent because that is how humans are, there are no rules to how we can behave and our minds are an enigma, especially for those dealing with mental conditions and/or trauma.

Oh yeah! I haven't ever discussed how Lupin is like, severely mentally ill yet huh?

So these two pages are from the New Adventures chapter "Island of Thieves (Part 2)" the first ever Lupin manga chapter I read.

In this chapter, Lupin has what I would likely describe as a mental breakdown, followed by a series of irrational and fucked up decisions. For all that it's worth, I think this chapter won me over because I Love having a mentally ill character to study because it's such an interesting topic for me to dissect. this isn't gonna be some super deep dive into what mental illness he has because I am personally not that kind of person, but just general observations on his behavior.

The first thing I can pinpoint is his inability to control his emotions, which leads to him making rash and violent decisions towards others. There really isn't a set of things i can pinpoint that lead to his emotional outbursts because there are times where he is very levelheaded in tough scenarios, then experiences an outburst at some minor inconvenience, this sort of instability is an obvious sign that there is something wrong.

I believe that this sort of behavior came from how he grew up in the Lupin household. In the Confession Series, there were various times where he grew extremely frustrated with his father and grandfather's actions towards him.

This pent up frustration and anger in him was then directly fostered into a coping mechanism because of his occupation as a criminal/assassin, where he needed to be violent and cruel to others to survive. When that is the way that he can solve a problem, he will see it as the only way to eliminate a stressor because he has been taught no other way to cope with his feelings.

Have a problem with someone? Hit them, kill them, rape them.

Sorry, that got a bit heavy huh? I just find Lupin so fascinating, it's almost like looking into a real criminal's brain, someone who has been hurt throughout all their life and has decided to hurt the world back.

For why I focused so much on his emotional regulation issues, it is because I deeply related to this part of his character. ahh I'm gonna get suuper personal in this part so be prepared?? I guess??? And also have an open mind of course.

Chapter 4 (but also kind of sticking on Ch.3's topic): How Lupin Changed My Life

Content Warning for I will be lightly discussing about real case of parental abuse, suicidal ideations, murder ideations, and other sensitive topics.

I also grew up with a family that has not treated me the best. In the position of the family as the youngest child, I lacked power, and thus lacked the power to stand up for myself and express how I felt whenever I was hurt by my family.

Like Lupin, this caused me to have trouble with expressing my emotions in a healthy and proper way, and I often vented my frustrations through emotional outbursts in the past and have hurted others verbally and psychologically in the pursuit of feeling like I was in control of something. I also developed violent ideations of killing others or harming myself, thoughts that I have struggled a lot in repressing and still do today. That is why when reading the manga, I was able to connect to Lupin's struggles because although he has done arguably worse things than me, the root cause is the same between us and I felt... seen.

For a long time, these thoughts inside my head and the mistakes I have made due to it caused me to believe truly and deeply that I am a bad person and I internalized it as the truth, almost as if I have made peace with the plague inside my mind and that it will be a part of me for as long as I live. Reading Lupin III and seeing this character felt like he was a physical and visual representation of this part of myself, and I felt happy. Happy to know that I am not alone in what I experienced and also happy that I am not Lupin.

I still have the chance to be a better person, I have accepted that I was a bad person in the past, but it doesn't define who I am now and who I will become in the future.

Lupin in a way humanized my mental illness. Although it has caused considerable harm to myself and others, it is wrong to say that it is a plague because it was born out of circumstances out of my control, and what it was doing was merely its attempt to cope with the situation and save myself from more hurt. Like Lupin, it did what it had to do to survive, and for that I do not blame it for trying.

Although Lupin can be seen as a warning to others like me, there are parts of him that I found inspiring and has contributed to great changes in my life. His eccentricity and confidence as I've stated previously was something I wish I could have, and I have been trying to adapt that sort of personality into myself ever since I read the manga. I exude much more energy and joy than I had in the past, and used the overwhelming amount of emotion I have inside me to spread happiness to others instead of the opposite. (regulating bad emotions is a must, but good emotions, I'm letting that all out and spreading it to others! sparkle on remember to be yourself or something)

My love for Lupin has given me the greatest friends and community I've had in my life, and I am so happy to share my passion and love for this character with them.

And golly, don't even get me STARTED on my art improvement ever since I got into Lupin III. I credit Monkey Punch for most of my art improvements but I also have to give Lupin credit because he is literally my muse. I feel like I can literally draw anything if I add him on there and I have made considerable strides in my human anatomy skills from how much I draw him. (A renaissance painting of Lupin III will be done one day, I promise.)

Chapter 5: Other Stuff!

Ugh, these are the stuff that I wanted to mention but Couldn't include in this rant because I am a bad writer. Please give me a break I wrote 80% of this in less than a day. I don't give a FUCK enough to make this look good im literally talking about my skrunkly, it doesn't need to sound like a peer reviewed essay written by a professional AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHH-

He's a bitch and an asshole, but he's KIND to his friends and children and you can really tell whenever he cares. And it's cute when he acts like a nice person for once.

Mental illness is also common in neurodivergent people and I really think he is one of them (Autism and ADHD specifically) Autism because he's socially awkward and acts like a FUCKING WEIRDO

seriously he really doesn't know how to talk to people normally.

ADHD because have you fucking seen that dude. I feel like his special interests are sex, crime and machinery because that's all he's good at doing, he'll probably never do anything he isn't interested in.

Bisexual king

Kind of trans-coded? please just read my genderfluid rambling to get more of the details.

It's so cute whenever he sticks his tongue out. he's so silly.

His whole thing of freedom being more like putting others down and controlling them is past me-core i am afraid

If it hasnt been clear to you, he's such a mess of an individual and I love it.

I have a feeling hes a bit of a tsundere and I like that, he feels like the type to be afraid of being actually emotionally vulnerable to others.

On that topic, he suffers so badly from toxic masculinity that its fascinating. he needs to be treated as a case study.

i forgot

Cool, handsome, wealthy, and so sexy

If i haven't mentioned something that I should've, I've likely touched on it in another post (ex. how lupin being a rapist is a good device to develop his personality)

i dont think ive gone a single day these past 2 years where i havent thought of him.

and yeah, that's it? Hopefully? This post was made for Lupin's second birthday, March 3rd! It's celebrated primarily by the japanese fanbase but I wanted to get this out because he is a character that means a lot to me and he deserves to be celebrated for two days! Maybe every day!!! Everyday is a Lupin day for me!!!!!!! Hooray!!

....

.........

............What?

What makes you think I like Lupin?

[alexanderwales]

Even if we accept the premise that they'll just be siloed away, is it so bad if people who were lonely and had trouble socializing seek solace in the AI bots? It *is* hard to push back against someone who's opinion you find awful. In fact, most of the time I disengage from those conversations and the prevailing internet advice used to be 'not feed the troll'.

It will probably be awful, anyway, because corpos, but I like to hear your thoughts.

There's a short story by E.M. Forster, The Machine Stops, written in 1909, about people who live underground and whose every physical and spiritual need is met by the god-like Machine. They don't physically interact with each other, instead having something that's similar to instant messaging and videophones. They accept the whims of the machine.

The story ends with no one knowing how the machine works, it breaking down, and everyone who was dependent on it dying, which I think is a bit of a cop out, or at least an ending that shifts the emphasis from "it actually is important for people to have a real connection to material reality" to "the machine will kill you". Yeah, we can all agree that we don't want to neglect the machine that's in charge of keeping us alive, duh. We don't all agree on what level of connection to reality it's appropriate to have.

So I am, right now, imagining a similar future, one where people just lock themselves in a room, and all their social needs are taken care of by a computer. And pretty obviously, some of what I'm feeling is just status quo bias and naturalistic fallacy, so I'll try to separate that out as much as I can, because while I do believe that it's good to walk through the woods and disconnect from the computers, I'm not sure that this is a baseline belief that I actually endorse.

Let's start with this: these siloed people are still living in reality with the rest of us. As much as they might have given up on people, or just decided that people are objectively worse companions, they're still here with the rest of us. They're still buying food at the grocery store, they still have jobs they're working, they still go to the DMV or whatever, and they still vote. You can do a hell of a lot online now, but you can't do it all, and when one of the siloed people goes to the doctor, or has to be present in a court, I imagine that it might be like pulling a goldfish up out of its tank.

We don't actually know how much a human might drift, given inhuman companions. My understanding of humans is "actually quite far", but that's mostly from reading about cults and other high control social structures, and reading enough about history to see how radically different humans have lived.

And maybe I'm being pre-emptively discriminatory to a certain kind of person who doesn't exist yet, but: I don't think I like the sort of person who has been molded by their own singleton culture, by a collection of bots who fill their social needs, who has been habituated to "perfect" responses, 24/7, to whatever it is they're saying. I think that's likely to be an awful person to be around: unfunny, unintelligent, saying nothing of worth, and morally inferior. I think it's difficult to be a good person when you have retreated from humanity and don't know what they're like.

There are two solid arguments in favor of siloing, at least as I see it:

Self-determination. As a baseline, people should be allowed to do what they want to do, as long as it doesn't harm other people. By default, the siloed people aren't harming anyone, they're just withdrawing, so isn't that their right? History is littered with attempts at controlling people "for the good of society" and the track record is pretty dismal. This is just my libertarian streak saying "hey, what are you going to do, legislate it away?" And yeah, that seems like the way to stop it. And if I'm going to object and say "we should be worried about this" without endorsing any actual action except dialog, then that seems a bit worthless to me.

Pain relief. Being lonely sucks. If you're a person with a high craving for others and that craving isn't fulfilled, you're not living the happiest life you could be. And yes, we might say "oh, grow as a person, put yourself out there, find a club or a hobby, you can't get social interaction if you don't put yourself out there", but we have society that's basically as uninterested in helping meet social needs as it has ever been. At least in America, the third space is dead, and I'm a hater of religion, but it would have been nice to have constructed something to fill the social gap that a lack of religious structures has created. There have been points in my life where I've gone to work, gone to school, didn't have friends, and was not very happy, and I understand that I've been blessed to have social skills and make friends easily, but ... yes, there are people who put themselves out there and get rejected over and over again, and who are suffering under loneliness, and while it would be great to create a better society that provided social structures that integrated and fulfilled people, that just isn't happening. So to the extent that bots actually can bring relief from the pain of loneliness, it's hard to turn up my nose at what I see as a bad solution. It's the only solution, at least in the near-term, and hardly anyone is seriously working on all the better solutions we might hope for.

I'm one of those guys who cares deeply about humanity and its future, a position which feels increasingly uncool as the years go on. Siloed people feel like the start of a failure state for humanity and its future, or like a continuation of a failure state, or like a failure state in their own right. Losing ten percent of humanity to the silos would exacerbate a lot of problems, particularly because those people would still be intersecting with the rest of society.

All this is without getting into what the corpos are doing in all this, since they'll be the ones who are providing the bots on a subscription service, using dark patterns and behavioral hacking to warp people even further. I don't think the tech is there to have a 24/7 bot wage a subtle campaign of brainwashing, but we can't be that far away, even with the models remaining as dumb as they are. (I also don't think that the bots are up to remaining engaging 24/7, at least not for most people - you'd burn out on the ones we have now - but if you're incredibly lonely and this is the only reliable relief, maybe that wouldn't matter.) I do know that if I were running a chatbot company which was the primary social interaction for millions of people, there would be a lot of pressure to leverage that in different ways. I've tried to answer this question as though it's the future where there's good, reliable open source chatbots that everyone is using, but that's not the future we're going to get.

I am writing a novel about all this stuff, about what it's like to be one of these silo people, and how alluring and awful it is, so maybe I can develop these themes into a narrative that's worth reading, though it is a step to the side, less grounded in the actual material reality we find ourselves in.