#if anyone accuses me of some stupid shit for liking this character then just fuck off

[peaterookie]

Why Do I Like (Manga) Lupin? (yes this is finished)

The not-so-long awaited question shall be answered today!!! I'm sure so many people are so excited for me to talk about Lupin for the 90 billionth time.

This will be a normal and short post, trust me.

But seriously, has anyone actually stopped and wondered: Why do I like this character so much? Why did my brain choose this character and not another? Have you ever stopped and thought about the psychology that goes into why your heart pours so much of itself into just some fictional character, that might just make you become a more well-adjusted individual in society if you just hadn't been aware of them?

I love everything about Lupin III, if you haven't known already. But I also like psychology, and talking about myself. So let me guide you through the crevices of my brain and show you why I love him so much. After this you will surely gain an appreciation for him at least, if not invite him to live inside your brain rent free.

Chapters:

Name

Design

Personality

How Lupin Changed my Life

Other Stuff!

Chapter 1: Name

sorry guys but WE GOTTA TALK IN LENGTH ABOUT HIS NAME

I think it's a really cool name!! Before I got into the series, the name Lupin III has always caught my eye. It describes straightforwardly a lot of his character premise: He's the grandchild of the well renowned thief Arsene Lupin. Wouldn't that kind of character already sound interesting to you?

I think there are very few works of fiction where the title/name of the character already tells you everything you need to know about the series. And to that i find it pretty impressive.

Aside from that, I think Lupin is a cute and fun name to say. It's very funny to have an absolute psychopath be named Loop-on. That's a grown ass man dude.

Him being the third generation is also quite interesting. You typically see people when making a fan-child of a character usually have it be a direct offspring, but no, MP skipped a whole generation to write about Arsene Lupin's grandchild.

That, of course, makes sense because he needed to have it match the time period he is writing it in, but being the third gen brings a deeper sense of inferiority to Lupin that being the second wouldn't have. We get the impression that he isn't as good as the past two Lupins and also that he is probably the most disconnected to the identity of the gentleman thief, reflected in how he dresses and acts. He's a lot more modern and young, I think this disconnect helps him be his own character.

Lastly, I find the lack of first name very intriguing. It probably doesnt have any significance but i like to think that his parents didnt give a fuck enough to give him his own first name. It's okay because he doesn't need one. His name is already that good.

Chapter 2: Design

Lupin III is designed with the manga medium in mind. Since manga is primarily in black and white, Monkey Punch needed the character to have good contrast and be easily drawn in any sort of poses and angles. I'd say he did a great job in the end, and Lupin's design is one of the best I've ever seen.

His sleek black body compliments extremely well with his jacket and tie, which with its bright colors, makes his body stand out. Having shirt and pants be black also lessens the need to add detail onto the clothes. In a way he functions like a stickman.

His head is also interestingly featureless, which makes it quite distinct from many other characters with their unique hair styles. I think it works well with his motif of being able to disguise as anybody. The sideburns also give him extra unique points and his hairline gives him a fun facial shape. I remember seeing a screenshot where Monkey Punch stated that he initially wanted Lupin to have hair similar to Goemon's, but decided against it because it would take too much time. I think this was a good choice on his part, and that sort of hair style I assumed was then reused for Lupin's child design.

(terrifying.)

Another thing I find cool about his design is just the overall roundness of it. Have you guys ever wondered why Lupin, this bastard trickster of man, has such smooth and round shapes ? Wouldn't it make more sense personality wise for him to have more sharper shapes to encompass his wild nature?

(im not going to be your art teacher and explain shape languages to you guys, here's a picture.)

Personally, I think the round shapes are to show Lupin's softer side. While he is cunning and evil, he also exhibits a child-like and playful personality and overall his movements are quite bouncy, kind of like a bouncing ball!

In contrast though, I feel like that appearance is also to disguise his sinister side, to make him look softer than he truly is. Although his shapes are round, they are composed of rugged lines, topped with angular posing, and a sharp smile. It gives you the impression that he doesn't really fit into the soft and friendly mold.

Wow, I'm this far into the design chapter and I haven't even talked about how he looks like a monkey yet! I think for that I'm better than about half of the Lupin fans already /hj

I believe his monkey-like appearance was unintentional, but what I find pretty funny about it is that it really does fit Lupin in a way. Monkeys, often depicted as goofy and friendly animals in media, are actually quite dangerous and unpredictable animals if not handled properly. Lupin is also a smart but dangerous character, but gets softened up throughout the series to attract a more diverse audience. (Not saying that Lupin isn't goofy and silly, he is, but I feel like it's a vast oversimplification of his character.)

Monkey analysis is over, let's move on.

Lastly... Lupin III is SO FUN TO DRAW!!! Adding all that I've talked about; his monkey-like head, the nice contrast on his outfit, and the general simplicity of his design, his design is simple to draw and very malleable. I get a lot of mileage out of designing outfits for him and drawing him in various styles, so there's a lot of room to add your own artistic charm to him! I also love how there's really no correct way to color him either. Monkey Punch experimented wildly on his color palette in the past; he has a variety of outfit palette and skin color and that sort of looseness is very awesome...

His variety of expressions is also one of the best things about this design because. there's just so much you can work with and it makes him like literally the best character ever you don't understand. You can not look at this set of panels and not love this goofball.

and uh oh yeah he's really hot and I want him.

Chapter 3: Personality

I've tried avoiding talking about his personality in the last chapter, but now it's time to go ALL OOOOOOUUUTT

I've always loved the trickster character archetype ever since I was conscious. There's something very entertaining about a character that throws away any sort of moral responsibility and decides to troll the entire world. They always have extremely charming and lovable personalities as well, and Lupin is no exception!

Let's start at the surface level. I love how much of a BASTARD he is. I love how much he gets on everyone's nerves (including mine's) just by merely existing and he is proud of it. Those types of characters are so fun to follow because they make everything they do and anything around them a laughingstock, Lupin often has a shit-eating grin whenever he knows he's doing something bad and it's so entertaining!! It's also equally satisfying when he gets punished for being a bastard and I love seeing him suffer.

On top of being a bastard, he's also an ASSHOLE. Manga Lupin is a massive asshole and he exists to shit on the world whenever it does anything against him. He gets angry very often in the manga and it gets fucking crazy whenever someone ticks him off. He will literally do anything to get back to whoever pissed him off and it is super funny. He's an angry, dramatic, pouty shithead. Love him for that.

Speaking of dramatic, his strongest points as a character is just how expressive he can be. It's endearing just how much emotion is stored in that man's body and I'm drawn to those kinds of characters because despite my personality being sorta big here, I have a lot of trouble expressing myself in real life. So seeing characters like that just being able to express freely feels very empowering to me even if Lupin looks like a little bitch when he does it sometimes.

I'm also very endeared by his mannerisms. He moves very... strangely (like most MP characters do) but I think he exudes this weirdness much more due to his eccentricity and expressive personality. It makes me think that he's neurodivergent but we will talk about this later. His expressions are also really exaggerated and funny, he's like genetically engineered to act as entertaining as possible and I really enjoy observing the way he does things like watching a bug in a cup.

Okay okay I'm done with talking surface level shit. Let's talk about all of Lupin.

I don't only just enjoy trickster characters, I also like characters that have multiple layers to them (like onions) and Manga Lupin is probably the best example of this.

"I wanted to make Lupin a top-notch villain, but I also wanted to make Lupin an extremely human man. The result was the meticulous and perfectionist assassin, with a gruff, awkward, and clumsy personality."

The best part about Lupin is how multi-faceted he is. He is both a genius and an idiot, cruel but kind, emotional and logical. He is the type of man you can imagine existing in real life because his actions and feelings are extremely realistic and sometimes even relatable!!

Every one of us don't just have a single personality, there are suitable moments to be serious, suitable moments to be silly, we are never always one extreme over the other. Like Lupin, some of us are smart but are bumbling idiots on certain things, and we all have the capacity to be both the kindest people alive or commit atrocities on others. That level of complexity and humanity in Lupin makes me feel very connected to him on a level I've never experienced from any other fictional character, because he feels like a character that any of us can become if we take the wrong steps in life.

Some people say that manga Lupin is a very inconsistent character and frankly I disagree with that and I don't like how non-manga readers spread that around to diminish his character. I feel like many people fail to acknowledge the nuance he has; he is inconsistent because that is how humans are, there are no rules to how we can behave and our minds are an enigma, especially for those dealing with mental conditions and/or trauma.

Oh yeah! I haven't ever discussed how Lupin is like, severely mentally ill yet huh?

So these two pages are from the New Adventures chapter "Island of Thieves (Part 2)" the first ever Lupin manga chapter I read.

In this chapter, Lupin has what I would likely describe as a mental breakdown, followed by a series of irrational and fucked up decisions. For all that it's worth, I think this chapter won me over because I Love having a mentally ill character to study because it's such an interesting topic for me to dissect. this isn't gonna be some super deep dive into what mental illness he has because I am personally not that kind of person, but just general observations on his behavior.

The first thing I can pinpoint is his inability to control his emotions, which leads to him making rash and violent decisions towards others. There really isn't a set of things i can pinpoint that lead to his emotional outbursts because there are times where he is very levelheaded in tough scenarios, then experiences an outburst at some minor inconvenience, this sort of instability is an obvious sign that there is something wrong.

I believe that this sort of behavior came from how he grew up in the Lupin household. In the Confession Series, there were various times where he grew extremely frustrated with his father and grandfather's actions towards him.

This pent up frustration and anger in him was then directly fostered into a coping mechanism because of his occupation as a criminal/assassin, where he needed to be violent and cruel to others to survive. When that is the way that he can solve a problem, he will see it as the only way to eliminate a stressor because he has been taught no other way to cope with his feelings.

Have a problem with someone? Hit them, kill them, rape them.

Sorry, that got a bit heavy huh? I just find Lupin so fascinating, it's almost like looking into a real criminal's brain, someone who has been hurt throughout all their life and has decided to hurt the world back.

For why I focused so much on his emotional regulation issues, it is because I deeply related to this part of his character. ahh I'm gonna get suuper personal in this part so be prepared?? I guess??? And also have an open mind of course.

Chapter 4 (but also kind of sticking on Ch.3's topic): How Lupin Changed My Life

Content Warning for I will be lightly discussing about real case of parental abuse, suicidal ideations, murder ideations, and other sensitive topics.

I also grew up with a family that has not treated me the best. In the position of the family as the youngest child, I lacked power, and thus lacked the power to stand up for myself and express how I felt whenever I was hurt by my family.

Like Lupin, this caused me to have trouble with expressing my emotions in a healthy and proper way, and I often vented my frustrations through emotional outbursts in the past and have hurted others verbally and psychologically in the pursuit of feeling like I was in control of something. I also developed violent ideations of killing others or harming myself, thoughts that I have struggled a lot in repressing and still do today. That is why when reading the manga, I was able to connect to Lupin's struggles because although he has done arguably worse things than me, the root cause is the same between us and I felt... seen.

For a long time, these thoughts inside my head and the mistakes I have made due to it caused me to believe truly and deeply that I am a bad person and I internalized it as the truth, almost as if I have made peace with the plague inside my mind and that it will be a part of me for as long as I live. Reading Lupin III and seeing this character felt like he was a physical and visual representation of this part of myself, and I felt happy. Happy to know that I am not alone in what I experienced and also happy that I am not Lupin.

I still have the chance to be a better person, I have accepted that I was a bad person in the past, but it doesn't define who I am now and who I will become in the future.

Lupin in a way humanized my mental illness. Although it has caused considerable harm to myself and others, it is wrong to say that it is a plague because it was born out of circumstances out of my control, and what it was doing was merely its attempt to cope with the situation and save myself from more hurt. Like Lupin, it did what it had to do to survive, and for that I do not blame it for trying.

Although Lupin can be seen as a warning to others like me, there are parts of him that I found inspiring and has contributed to great changes in my life. His eccentricity and confidence as I've stated previously was something I wish I could have, and I have been trying to adapt that sort of personality into myself ever since I read the manga. I exude much more energy and joy than I had in the past, and used the overwhelming amount of emotion I have inside me to spread happiness to others instead of the opposite. (regulating bad emotions is a must, but good emotions, I'm letting that all out and spreading it to others! sparkle on remember to be yourself or something)

My love for Lupin has given me the greatest friends and community I've had in my life, and I am so happy to share my passion and love for this character with them.

And golly, don't even get me STARTED on my art improvement ever since I got into Lupin III. I credit Monkey Punch for most of my art improvements but I also have to give Lupin credit because he is literally my muse. I feel like I can literally draw anything if I add him on there and I have made considerable strides in my human anatomy skills from how much I draw him. (A renaissance painting of Lupin III will be done one day, I promise.)

Chapter 5: Other Stuff!

Ugh, these are the stuff that I wanted to mention but Couldn't include in this rant because I am a bad writer. Please give me a break I wrote 80% of this in less than a day. I don't give a FUCK enough to make this look good im literally talking about my skrunkly, it doesn't need to sound like a peer reviewed essay written by a professional AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHH-

He's a bitch and an asshole, but he's KIND to his friends and children and you can really tell whenever he cares. And it's cute when he acts like a nice person for once.

Mental illness is also common in neurodivergent people and I really think he is one of them (Autism and ADHD specifically) Autism because he's socially awkward and acts like a FUCKING WEIRDO

seriously he really doesn't know how to talk to people normally.

ADHD because have you fucking seen that dude. I feel like his special interests are sex, crime and machinery because that's all he's good at doing, he'll probably never do anything he isn't interested in.

Bisexual king

Kind of trans-coded? please just read my genderfluid rambling to get more of the details.

It's so cute whenever he sticks his tongue out. he's so silly.

His whole thing of freedom being more like putting others down and controlling them is past me-core i am afraid

If it hasnt been clear to you, he's such a mess of an individual and I love it.

I have a feeling hes a bit of a tsundere and I like that, he feels like the type to be afraid of being actually emotionally vulnerable to others.

On that topic, he suffers so badly from toxic masculinity that its fascinating. he needs to be treated as a case study.

i forgot

Cool, handsome, wealthy, and so sexy

If i haven't mentioned something that I should've, I've likely touched on it in another post (ex. how lupin being a rapist is a good device to develop his personality)

i dont think ive gone a single day these past 2 years where i havent thought of him.

and yeah, that's it? Hopefully? This post was made for Lupin's second birthday, March 3rd! It's celebrated primarily by the japanese fanbase but I wanted to get this out because he is a character that means a lot to me and he deserves to be celebrated for two days! Maybe every day!!! Everyday is a Lupin day for me!!!!!!! Hooray!!

....

.........

............What?

What makes you think I like Lupin?

[xanneeeyyyy]

Stupid Cupid! Stop picking on me

⊹ °ʚ☆ɞ°.⭒₊.⊹ °ʚ☆ɞ°.⭒₊.⊹ °ʚ☆ɞ°.⭒₊.⊹ °ʚ☆ɞ°.⭒ ⊹ °ʚ☆ɞ°.⭒₊.⊹ °ʚ☆ɞ°.⭒₊.⊹

Pairings: Katsuki Bakugo x F!Reader

Synopsis: After a great date, you had the dumbest idea ever—serenading your explosive boyfriend in the middle of the night just to see his reaction.

⊹ °ʚ☆ɞ°.⭒₊.⊹ °ʚ☆ɞ°.⭒₊.⊹ °ʚ☆ɞ°.⭒₊.⊹ °ʚ☆ɞ°.⭒ ⊹ °ʚ☆ɞ°.⭒₊.⊹ °ʚ☆ɞ°.⭒₊.⊹

It was late evening, the air cool and crisp as you and Katsuki strolled back to the dorms after your date. The streets were quiet, save for the occasional car passing by, the soft hum of the city settling into its nighttime rhythm. Your boyfriend, Katsuki, walked beside you with his hands shoved into his pockets, his scowl ever-present, but not the angry kind—it was more of a comfortable scowl, the kind that meant he was content, even if he’d rather combust than admit it. The city lights cast a warm glow over the quiet streets, and the atmosphere was just... perfect.

Too perfect.

And that’s when the dumbest idea struck you. With a mischievous glint in your eye, you took a deep breath and—

🎶 Stupid Cupid, you’re a real mean guy~ (Stupid Cupid) 🎶

Katsuki’s entire body jerked to a stop, his head whipping toward you with an expression so alarmed you’d think you just announced you were dropping out of UA to become a jazz singer.

“…The fuck?” he muttered.

🎶 I’d like to clip your wings so you can’t fly~ (Stupid Cupid) 🎶

His scowl deepened. “What the fuck does that even mean?!”

Oh, this was going beautifully.

🎶 I’m in love and it’s a crying shame~ (Stupid Cupid) 🎶

Your hands crossed over your chest, as you swayed your hips down, putting all your heart and soul into the performance. Katsuki’s jaw physically dropped. Like, an honest-to-God, cartoon-style jaw drop. You could almost hear the boing sound effect in the background.

“Oh, HELL no—“

🎶 And I know that you’re the one to blame~ (Stupid Cupid) 🎶

"ME?!" he squawked, pointing at himself like you had just accused him of high treason. "What the fuck did I do?!"

🎶 Hey hey, set me free! 🎶

You spun again, letting go of his hand for extra dramatic flair, arms wide open like you were the main character in a grand, romantic musical. Katsuki looked around in sheer panic, like someone—anyone—was witnessing this disaster unfold.

Spoiler: They weren’t.

🎶 Stupid Cupid, stop picking on me! 🎶

"OH MY FUCKING GOD—" Katsuki groaned, dragging a hand down his face. "OI—WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!" He barked, grabbing your arm—only for you to spin out of his grasp like a professional dancer and keep going. You giggled, skipping a few steps ahead, enjoying how his ears were definitely turning pink. But you weren’t done yet.

Not even close.

You then spotted a park up ahead—a perfect little stage just waiting for you.

You gasped. This was fate.

"DON’T YOU FUCKING DARE—"

Oh, but you dared.

Without hesitation, you bolted towards it, hopping onto a bench with the grace of a Broadway star.

🎶 I can’t do my homework and I can’t think straight~ 🎶

Katsuki scoffed. “YEAH, NO SHIT. YOU’RE EMBARRASSING AS HELL RIGHT NOW.” His explosions crackled to life in his palms. His whole body radiated chaos.

You? You just kept going.

"AND FUCK— DUMBASS, QUIT MOVIN' AROUND LIKE THAT!"

🎶 I meet him every morning 'bout a half past eight~ (Stupid Cupid) 🎶

"HEY—ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME?!"

🎶 I’m acting like a lovesick fool~ (Stupid Cupid) 🎶

You clasped your hands over your heart, dramatically wilting like you had been struck by Cupid’s arrow in real-time. "YOU’RE ACTIN’ LIKE A DAMN LUNATIC, THAT’S WHAT!" Katsuki let out a long, suffering sigh, scrubbing his face aggressively with his hands. "You ARE a fool,"

🎶 You’ve even got me carrying his books to school~ (Stupid Cupid) 🎶

"WHOSE BOOKS?! WHO THE FUCK IS HE?! YOU TALKIN’ ABOUT ME OR SOME OTHER SHITHEAD?!"

Your hips swayed, hands clutching at your chest as you twirled dramatically. Katsuki looked one second away from combusting.

🎶 Hey hey, set me free! 🎶

"FUCKIN’ STOP, PRINCESS!"

🎶 Stupid Cupid, stop picking on me! 🎶

Katsuki’s entire soul left his body for a moment. His hands fisted in his hair. His mouth opened and closed, but no words came out—only strangled, painful noises. He stood there, arms crossed, glowering. But his glare didn’t stop you. If anything, it fueled you.

THIS IS MY LIFE NOW. THIS IS WHAT I HAVE TO DEAL WITH. He thought to himself

He groaned again, louder this time, like the universe was actively punishing him.

🎶 You mixed me up for good right from the very start~ 🎶

🎶 Hey, go play Robin Hood with somebody else’s heart~ 🎶

"WHO THE FUCK IS ROBIN HOOD?! WHY ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT—"

🎶 You got me jumping like a crazy clown~ (Stupid Cupid) 🎶

Katsuki twitched violently. "I'LL GIVE YOU A DAMN CRAZY LUNATIC CLOWN AND COMMAND IT TO HAUNT YOU EVERY NIGHT THAT I’LL EVEN DENY YOU FROM GETTING CUDDLES WHEN YOU GET FUCKING SC—"

🎶 And I don’t feature what you’re putting down~ (Stupid Cupid) 🎶

🎶 Since I kissed his loving lips of wine~ (Stupid Cupid)

He froze.

🎶 The thing that bothers me is that I like it fine~ (Stupid Cupid) 🎶

His face went bright red. His explosions stuttered in his palms. He looked one second away from completely imploding on himself.

🎶 Hey hey, set me free! 🎶

"YOU LITTLE—"

🎶 Stupid Cupid, stop picking on me! 🎶

As the last note left your lips, you struck a grand pose, throwing your hands high into the air like a true performer finishing their masterpiece. Then, with a smug smirk, you eyed Katsuki—and more importantly, his hands.

You wiggled your fingers. He scowled, blinking. "What?" You wiggled them again, tilting your head toward his very capable fire-producing hands. Realization dawned on him. His face twisted into an expression of pure betrayal. "Oh, hell no—" You pouted dramatically, batting your lashes at him. His eye twitched. "I’m not—" You kept staring.

"—Dumbass, you seriously—"

More staring.

Katsuki made a sound so guttural it could have come from the depths of his soul. His hands flexed. His palms sparked. His pride cracked in half.

And then—

BOOM!

Golden fireworks erupted from his palms, lighting up the night sky in a spectacular, dazzling display. A perfect ending to your perfect performance. You clapped, giggling. "There it is! You do love me!"

"SHUT THE HELL UP!" he barked, face the color of a tomato. "I only did it so you’d stop looking at me like that!”

"Mm-hmm." You hopped down from the bench, grabbing his hand. You grinned up at him. "So? What’d you think?" For a second, silence. Just Katsuki, standing there, still so red it was hilarious. "Tch." He rubbed the back of his neck aggressively. "You're such a pain in the ass."

You smirked, "A cute pain in the ass who makes your heart go boom boom~"

"I’M GONNA FUCKING LOSE IT,"

You giggled. "You were watching me like a lovesick fool~"

"I WAS NOT—"

You poked his cheek. "Don’t be shy suki~"

"FUCKING STOP—"

"Awwww, you’re so cute when you’re flustered!"

Katsuki groaned so loudly that birds scattered from the trees. "WHY DO I EVEN LIKE YOU?!" You squeezed his hand. "Because I make your life interesting~”

"I SWEAR TO GOD—"

As you both walked back to the dorms, Katsuki still grumbling under his breath, you suddenly squeezed his hand a little tighter and looked up at him with a soft smile.

You glanced up at him with a soft smile before leaning in to press a gentle kiss to his cheek. "I love you, Suki," you murmured, your voice warm and teasing. Katsuki froze. His entire body went stiff, and for a moment, you thought he might actually combust on the spot. His ears turned a dangerous shade of red, and his grip on your hand tightened just a fraction. "...Tch." He exhaled sharply, still looking away. Then, in a gruff, almost reluctant mumble, he muttered, "I love you too, dumbass."

You blinked, then grinned way too wide. "Awwww! That was so—"

"Shut up," he grumbled, dragging a hand down his face. "Just—don’t do that shit again! Singing in the middle of the night like a damn lunatic—"

"But you loved it," you teased, nudging him. "and oh please, if you really wanted me to stop, you could’ve just thrown me over your shoulder and carried me off," You tilted your head, giving him a knowing look. "But you didn’t."

Katsuki's eye twitched. "That’s not the damn point!" You grinned wider. "No, the point is you secretly wanted me to finish my cutesy performance,"

"LIKE HELL I DID—"

"Yet instead of physically stopping me," you continued, ignoring his outrage, "you just stood there ranting while watching me like a lovesick fool."

"I WAS NOT—"

"Like a grumpy little firecracker in love~"

"SHUT IT"

Giggling, you squeezed his hand. "You know you love me, Katsuki."

He groaned, looking away as his ears somehow got redder. "Fucking unfortunately."

And with that, hand still in his, you continued your way back to the dorms—Katsuki grumbling the whole time, but still squeezing your hand just a little tighter.

⊹ °ʚ☆ɞ°.⭒₊.⊹ °ʚ☆ɞ°.⭒₊.⊹ °ʚ☆ɞ°.⭒₊.⊹ °ʚ☆ɞ°.⭒ ⊹ °ʚ☆ɞ°.⭒₊.⊹ °ʚ☆ɞ°.⭒₊.⊹ °

A/N: I hope you enjoy this new piece! Let me know your thoughts in the comments. Also, thank you for all the love and support—it truly warms my heart to see you reading my work. Some of you may be familiar with this scene—I actually referenced it from a K-drama (though I totally forgot the title), but yeah, that was it HAHAHA.

© 2025 CODE:BKXY — All rights reserved. Please don't post my work as your own on any other sites.

[energ00n]

Ok, making this clear now, this isn't an ask, but a message to those who keep bothering energ00n here. Some of yall are tripping hard or just are being plain ignorant or just being hateful cause y'all can never be happy & never touch grass for some reason.

That last post about Jazz being black and accusing energ00n here for being...idk, stereotypical or racist, is just plain stupid. Was there any racists moments they did or made? No. Was there any stereotypes? No. Was there any indication that he's a black man in all this and not a giant fucking robot in any sort of context whatsoever??? No! If anything, they're just treating Jazz like Jazz and in character in their own way, just cause they don't know the entire expansion of Transformers does not mean they are painting Jazz or any of character in a bad light. Like, for God's sake, I'm black, you wanna come at them with that shit then you better be ready to deal with my ass.

Secondly, those who are being ignorant or being downright annoying by saying this is bad, this awful, repeatedly asking questions just cause your ass doesn't wanna scroll down and read, then you might as well leave. Energ00n has answered the questions someone else beat you to, it's not that hard to read and scroll down. Plus, if your upset over a fan creation then this isn't the space for you, and who the hell takes the time & day to diss on a fan creation where nothing legitimately bad has happened. There is no proshipping, no racism, no hateful content, no misinterpreting anyone, none of that. Just a person who loves Transformers and wanted to share a really amazing AU with the world.

So please, leave energ00n alone and let them do their thing. They have made it clear multiple times, they're not an asshole for having boundaries, they're not a bad person and haven't done anything wrong. Get a life and go join a different fandom if you feel the need to critize someone for doing something they enjoy. Seriously, go after people who are problematic instead of waisting your time trying to justify an argument that never existed to begin with.

(Again, I'm sorry, just had to get it off my chest)

You're too kind to me!!

I've have a few black folks saying that my portrayal of Jazz is fine and it really warms my heart. I feel troubled that you guys even had to defend me because this is the most nothing burger situation ever. My Jazz was largely inspired by his character in Transformers: Exodus the TFP prequel novel, quotes and all. If I put any trope into Jazz, it's the Kdrama, anime, cliche love triangle trope, I have noooo clue what anon was talking about.

I'd like to note that you guys don't have to worry for me!!! I'll still get hotheaded at repetitive or weird asks but it's still entertaining to me than legit anger. If I really get stressed from asks or hate, I'll just shut off anon asks. I know how to handle myself, just want you guys to join in on the laugh whenever we get some weird asks lol

[whut-da-brunch]

What are your most hated characters in twdg and why? I noticed that you like characters that are often hated in the fandom and i know you hate David, but are there any other characters you don't like?

Thanks for the great question! (Hope you like long winded answers, hehe)

Yep, it's true I like/empathize with a lot of the most hated characters like Gabe, Kate, Sarah, etc! Hell, I don't even hate Arvo!

But if there's a character that I abso-fucking-lutely agree deserves ALL the hate they get?

IT'S THIS STUPID CUNT RIGHT HERE

Holy shit, is Bonnie one delusional, self-righteous, woefully stupid bitch 😭

She basically admits she's a wishful thinker, helping men who promise her things only to get nothing good in return. We know she regrets getting others hurt, and she repeatedly apologized to Clementine about what happened the Ski Lodge. So we know Bonnie feels like a massive piece of shit, right? But what does she do to remedy this?

ABSOLUTELYYYY NOTHING!

Bonnie just refuses to admit to herself maaaaybe Carver is an irredeemable monster. Y'know, the guy that broke a man's finger and (determinant) shot two guys right in front of her. After breaking into their home. To kidnap refugees. But because she benefits from Carver, she just can't believe he isn't justified in his actions. 😱

For whatever reason, Bonnie doesn't decide to use her position on Carver's good side to help anyone until Kenny gets his face smashed in. Because kidnapping a group of people scared shitless wasn't enough, and neither was pushing Reggie off the roof I guess??

THIS DOESN'T EVEN DIVE INTO WHAT HAPPENED WITH LUKE!! I don't even have to explain that one.

Bonnie is a CONSISTENT enabler of abuse. She is well aware that her actions have caused pain and death, but consistently projects the blame onto others. She's too big of a coward to use her position of privilege to help others, and prefers to wallow in her own self pity and say "sorry" as if that makes anything better.

And this is just an accusation but I swear to god, if some kid ever confessed to her that a man she trusted did a "bad touch," she'd be one of those motherfuckers to gaslight the kid into thinking it never happened 😭 SHE GENUINELY GIVES ME THAT VIBE. "Oh nauuuurrr that couldn't happen because that guy is niiiice nauuur"

basically FUCK YOU BONNIE!!!!!

Thx for coming to my ted talk! :3

[pleasantspark]

Antivivziepopparade or that stupid bitch star likes to accuse Chai of being all these things meanwhile she constantly demeans sex workers on anon asks and harasses people and stalks people on various accounts despite being blocked. Just look at Starlatte-Reciepts for this.

I mean if you want my opinion? Most of us in the Critic Community are hypocrites who are puritans, we call out Viv for doing the things we are currently doing. My honest Opinion is, if you're this pressed about it, then please ignore the people you despise instead of getting on your soapbox. I heard so many '

"He is a pedo because he has an opinion I dislike!"

Or

"He's a zoophile because he said he wanted to bang Shenlong from Dragon Ball Z!!11" (You know, a show that has furry characters)

I'm tired of people being pearl clutchers, no ones forcing them to interact, but most of the time, the well is dry from VivTent that they turn to the very community they have participated in, to start some wack ass beef.

Anti needs to leave Chai blocked and stop fussing about this, this is my geniune concern, when does it cross between being completely borderline obsessed to helpful. I can't even in good conciousness enjoy this community with people dedicated to the whole "ERM THIS PERSON SUPPORTS THIS THAT AND THE THIRD."

Last I checked this is Tumblr and not Twitter. If you want to cancel someone go to Twitter, because at this rate the Critical Community has the eyes of KFs and they are considering making a thread on us completely.

My opinion? Like I fucking said, stop being stalkers, stop policing the community or just don't respond to people who ask you why you don't like user, because this shit leads to false allegations, leading to you getting harassment and you crying foul whenever you're called out for this.

And hey, if someomne comes on Anon again to defend themselves, let this be known:

Expecting others to bend to your opinions and labels is harmful retoric and harms actual victims, I dislike proshipping, LoliSho and dislike Feral Furry Porn but I don't interact, I block the tags and ignore it, I don't go on my soapbox and declare "THIS PERSON IS A PEDOZOO WHOSE AT RISSSSSK OF OFFENDING!!1!!" I mean okay? If the shits contained to a private locked twitter or a private conversation between trusted adults then it's none of your business. In fact has anyone considered the children when releasing private accounts of fetish material ESPECIALLY if the CC of Hazbin has MINORS!?

You're exposing private NSFW content to the same crowd of kids you claim to protect. Again, I don't understand why people cannot keep to your own spaces, this doesn't mean block me, this means I'm dragging you into my 18+ Drama Server to hop in a Call so you can finally describe everything to me and settle this shit. This has gone long enough for it to be considered childish.

So yeah, again if you have an issue with someone join my server and I'll have a chat in a VC with them. Most calls aren't recorded due to "severity" so don't worry about recordings.

[lorddeathofmurdermountain]

I hate how when your retinue brings Yrliet to the bridge for an impromptu trial (SERIOUSLY? I avoided explaining the fact we ended up in daddy dark elf's sex/torture dungeon FOR A REASON) you don't have the option to explain what happened. Like c'mon. Even without all the info provided by having Marazhai as a companion (I may be playing an open-minded beyond belief character, but even I'm not keeping Drukhari in my company) I can still easily deduce she was tricked and hadn't intentionally led my party into the ambush.

And yet... She was stupid as all hell and I hate that it's come to this. Idk I feel like if I keep her my officers and party just accuse me of xenoheresy and execute me but having her killed feels wrong, even if her mistake did end up with all of us being horrifically tortured and experimented upon.

In the end I said she should apologize (bc I ain't gonna give her lashes until she nearly dies, I ain't a dark elf bruh) bc it sounds less confrontational than the "I'm a Rogue Trader, fuck off" option and shows I at least understand she fucked up, but I'm supremely annoyed that everyone's always seen her like a barely cognizant beast (ie the "xenos pet" comments).

It's all very in-universe though, highly accurate. Based devs. This is the exact kind of annoying you're MEANT to feel with 40k. As the infamous saying goes, in the grim darkness of the 41st millennium, there is only war. No place for compassion, understanding or cooperation. You HAVE to kill everyone who isn't like you with extreme prejudice if for no other reason than bc they're stuck in the exact same mindset, so if you don't murderize them they'll murderize you. Except Chaos, Chaos is just unquestionably evil.

It takes being a Rogue Trader, someone who's basically been given free reign, written and signed by the GOD-EMPEROR HIMSELF, to do whatever the fuck he/she wants in order to further the interests of Humanity. It takes being THAT level of important - being virtually untouchable even to the Inquisition in most cases, as even the Ordo Xenos ignore the fact that you have a xenos on your ship just because you're a Rogue Trader - to even be able to TRY and come to some kind of understanding with an alien race. And the chance gets fucking ruined bc Yrliet is the Aeldari equivalent of a child who has no reigns on her emotions, who on top of that got her whole world destroyed, family and kin scattered across the stars and she's left to try and collect the pieces into some semblance of a whole. Then she sees her best shot at her goal, who she was indoctrinated to see in the same light as we might see other primates but who was nonetheless helping her, has a shard of her fucking house in his trophy room.

Idk man I just wish I could explain this shit to the crew. I don't expect anyone to be chill with her and she did still fuck up, but at the very least it wasn't... EXACTLY treachery. Still fully expect Argenta to try and shoot me, Heinrix to report my ass to the Inquisitor and Ulfar to just rip me in half, but I want my character to die knowing he always did his best.

[the-bjd-community-confess]

TW: Discussion of CSA

I'm Sick of This Shit

Sorry Mod, this is off-topic and heavy stuff, but I'm fucking sick of this cutesy little internet trend of insinuating the worst about people over fucking nothing. This is going to get heavy but I'm not sitting down and shutting the fuck up this time.

Please put a read more here? I don't want to trigger anyone, I just want to try and give a wake-up call to people who do this shit.

I cannot believe I just read a callout post for someone as a "dangerous individual" and it's about them drawing some fictional character. Or rather, I can, because it keeps happening, and it's the dumbest new trend I've ever seen. As a victim of that specific kind of abuse? As in, someone who's fucking tapes have a hash in the ICAC database? (Do you even know what that means? Do you even care to find out? Do you actually care about victims or do you just want some moral gotcha over the person you don't like? Because I have a feeling it's the second one!) Someone who's been really fucking impacted and harmed by this shit in my actual flesh-and-blood real life?

Shut the fuck up. No, actively, antagonistically fuck you. How fucking dare you equate the seriousness of my and others' real-life physical harm to someone finding some stupid WORTHLESS, UNIMPORTANT, NOT REAL ANIME CHARACTER HOT. Who in the absolute fuck actually sincerely CARES?? Do you think authors who write about murder want to secretly kill people?? Do you think people who make horror movies can contact the dead? You are so obsessed about thought crimes and unimportant bullshit to the degree that you are accusing people of being the absolute worst type of person over anime. OVER ANIME! Who the fuck cares if someone draws a fake person doing something sexual. I, as a victim, do not give a shit. I don't care if they draw a fake person getting dismembered. I don't care if they write about a fake person being subjected to death by 1000 paper-cuts! Do you know why?

They're not fucking real!

Somewhere along the way people seem to have forgotten that the reason abuse is bad isn't because it's "icky" and "gross" and makes you uncomfortable to think about.

It's bad because it's fucking hurtful to people who are actually really alive. It's bad because if you cut a real person we fucking bleed. It's bad because if you do things to our body, it leaves fucking SCARS. It's bad because WE LIVE WITH THE FUCKING TRAUMA AND CONSEQUENCES OF WHAT IS DONE TO US YOU STUPID EMOTIONALLY BEREFT ASSHOLE, YOU FUCKING MORALLY STUNTED BRAT. DO YOU FUCKING COMPREHEND THAT? DO YOU ACTUALLY HAVE THE CAPACITY TO UNDERSTAND THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN REAL LIFE AND FICTION? LIKE DO YOU? ARE YOU AN ACTUAL CHILD? BECAUSE IF SO, YOU SHOULD NOT BE ENGAGING IN THESE DISCUSSIONS IN THE FIRST PLACE! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU??? AND IF YOU ARE AN ADULT, FUCKING ACT LIKE ONE. This isn't a slag against someone who does have empathy issues or anything like that- ironically they tend to have no problem differentiating real life from fiction crimes, at least in my experience. No no, this is against the specific type of person who willfully chooses to libel against someone because of what usually boils down to """fandom crimes."""

I am in a support group for people like me. Do you know what we bitch about lately? You motherfuckers. Clogging the actual fucking hotlines by reporting drawings of cartoon characters, do you even realize that there are real consequences to your moral crusade? The time these people are forced to spend deleting anime art from their email literally costs real-life children -- AGAIN, REAL PEOPLE BEING HURT, YOU FUCKS -- precious time from getting the help they so desperately fucking deserve. Do you even think before you act? Do you? Do you fucking consider for a moment the real-world consequences of your behavior, or do you just raise your head and preen over your moralistic victory against the nastybadwrong person that wrote a story you don't like? I hate you.

Sure. Maybe this person who was submitted about really is the scum of the earth, an absolutely toxic bastard of an individual who does deserve a callout post. Wouldn't surprise me, because lots of shitty people are out there. So then, if that's the case, how come you didn't present that proof? Because all I read (images didn't work) is that they drew some anime character horny. People have been doing that for decades. The fucking Disney animators have drawn Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse going at it. Who gives a shit. It's fiction. You are having a moral panic over nothing and blinding yourself to the real consequences of your actions and I am here on my hands and knees BEGGING you to have more concern for people who actually exist than you do for your stupid goddamn anime boy.

I actually HATE people like you, I actively fucking do not feel SAFE around people like you. People who create fictional works, even dark and fucked up ones? They generally know the differences you seem to miss: that thoughts and actions are different things. There was a post going around where some guy got thrashed on social media for getting a leg amputation for fetishistic reasons where he was called every name in the book and probably some new ones yet to be added to the Merriam-Webster's dictionary. Turns out he actually had cancer and the amputation was for medically necessary reasons, but one (1) minor looked at THE TYPE OF ART HE DREW and made assumptions about his whole entire character from that. And thus someone going through some incredibly emotionally challenging shit was forced to further stomach the trauma of an internet hate mob because of baseless accusations just like these. Don't fucking do that. That shouldn't even need to be said! And yet. So I'll say it again. Don't! Fucking! Do that! Fuck!

This is wildly out of the scope of this blog and I'm really sorry to Mod for having to see it, but I'm sick of seeing this everywhere online, I do not need it in my fucking safe space hobby. Actively go fuck yourself if you do this or participate in this. If you care about victims- if you have actual compassion for people who are real, and don't just want to control how others portray fictional characters for reasons of moral outrage, then don't do this. And if you've done this in the past, just... fucking try to do better from here on out, at least. The world is fucked up enough without needing to rip each other apart over, and I cannot stress this enough, goddamn cartoons.

And if I get sassed in the comments as "not a real victim" or some shit, go ahead. I've heard it before, I don't care. I've been told by people in my life that what happened to me was 1) a misunderstanding 2) deserved because I in some way asked for it 3) that I'm lying for attention, etc etc. Does not matter that mine was one of the cases that actually made it to court and resulted in a sentencing... victim-blaming is incredibly ingrained in my country's culture. I honestly don't care if I'm believed or not, I just... want to say my piece. I want to confess, to air my grievances, with a current trend everyone on the internet and this hell-site in specific. So, thank you for reading if you have, and fuck you if you dismissed it all because your precious fictional little meow meow matters more to you than the victims of the real-life atrocities you're so motivated baselessly to accuse people of perpetrating.

And mod, stay safe and practice self-care. To all the victims, I hope your abusers die horribly. You deserve the world.

~Anonymous

Mod: thank you so much anon for your response, nothing is out of scope here (kinda, I like tangents, just need to follow the rules too) so anons, don't be afraid of expressing yourself as you so rightly did here.

[fatcatlittlebox]

Why do I always see people saying that armored Galadriel is not faithful to Tolkien when in fact she is ?

In memories Galadriel is described as very tall, very strong in battle, extremely wise, of great beauty, etc.

Then who on the other side criticizes Galadriel for being a fucking Mary Sue in ROP... ?

The same girl who is stubborn, never thinks, who the characters yell at and who literally gave hope to SAURON ?! Has an inclination for power ! Like, if it's for her enormous, extraordinary abilities... she's a fucking elf ?!

Oh, and that Galadriel is good at fighting is no surprise if you look at Tolkien's writings...

If it was adapted to the letter of what Tolkien had written for Galadriel people would also cry mary sue ! From @motziedapul : "he described Galadriel as Amazonian, "man-maiden" and excellent in athleticism on top of generally being one of the most powerful Elves in Middle Earth and being the favorite of an angel [Maia] who she lived with for a while."

Also, the only one who seems to me to have understood that Sauron was a first-rate scammer when he was among the elves.

Galadriel was around 2 meters tall, much taller than the other Noldor women. (Which gave her the name Nerwen meaning young girl man by her mother. Her father had first named her Artanis which meant noble ladies. Galadriel was the name Celeborn gave her) She was vigorous in body as well as in spirit, capable of standing up to anyone in terms of knowledge as well as physical skills. She also always had the gift of clairvoyance, allowing her to read the hearts and minds of others. Her great beauty was recognized by all the Eldar and her hair was considered a wonder of this world. It would also be the gold and silver reflection of Galadriel's hair which would have inspired Feaonor for the creation of the Silmarils. For all these reasons, she was quickly considered the most illustrious of the Noldor. She had also quickly learned everything the Valar had been willing to teach her.

Don't make me believe that if we had an adaptation of the character of Galadriel including all of this, people wouldn't be also screaming at the mary sue ?! Dare to say it ! Because it’s just obvious they would have done it !

Which does not mean that Galadriel is a mary sue in the original story, since she has her defaults in the canon of Tolkien too, notably once again an inclination for power, which is expressed by the desire to have one's own kingdom and its temptation almost until the very end of Sauron's Ring, etc.

The antis Galadriel people are ridiculous. To say that she's a mary sue and that that makes her unbearable is stupid. They clearly don't know what a mary sue is for say she is one... Then there are those who complain that Galadriel has too many flaws, so please confirm that you just can't stand women who are perfect saints. I'm really fucking tired of the Galadriel critical.

They don't understand the character of Galadriel.

For them, the canon Galadriel is simply a sort of figure of purity like the Virgin Mary, but a powerful magician in addition.

And sorry, but Galadriel is not that. Oh at least she's not just that.

This. Honestly, I’ve seen all matter of hateful shit written and vlogged about TROP’s Gal and even worse about Miv. These assholes have called her too ugly, a bad actress, accused her of blaspheming their own (incorrect as you point out) ideas of Galadriel. And this misogyny goes back awhile. Let’s not forget that PJ’s FOTR had some leaks early on that Arwen would be a fighter and….the purist dudes lost their EVERLOVING MINDS. Bear in mind, this was just based on set pictures. So PJ scrapped that altogether and it was written out. And that was one of the earliest examples of writers and producers changing their course due to hateful fan feedback (*cough*Star Wars*). PJ had had a free pass ever since.

To your point, not only is Gal all of those things you listed but she’s also ALOT older than Legolas was in LOTR so yeah, she’s fucking good at fighting. And when Legolas parkoured down an oliphaunt’s trunk none of them said shit.

[jerzwriter]

You are so fucking disgusting Elsa. Using your bland ass straight white bitch MC to be the MC of the Month for Pride Month.

You’ve gone really low

Good morning, Nonny.

I'd like to say hope you're having a good day, but clearly, you're not.

I was 50/50 on putting this in my "delete because Nonny is a bitter troll who doesn't deserve the attention/exposure they desperately crave" file. But this anon goes beyond the usual "I'm a pathetic human who hates someone on the internet who has zero impact on my life so much because of (insert stupid/insane reason here), so I'm going to be a vile bully and send them anonymous hate because - IDK - I can't find a good therapist? I'm off my meds? I'm just a vile piece of shit?" See, I no longer waste my time or energy on those.

But I decided to answer this because a) you're wrong, and b) you're engaging in bi-erasure - something that happens in the fandom and in real life every day, and I'm not going to pass up a chance to educate your ignorance and address your bigotry.

Casey was picked at random - the same way all MCOTMs and WOTMs are. I grappled with the decision to highlight her bisexuality... because of people like you. In the end, I decided to be true to the character. I've been dealing with people like you my entire life - in my personal life - never mind fandom. So let's educate.

Bisexuality is real - people.

Your ignorance in understanding it doesn't make it any less real. I am proudly bi, but trust me, it feels like a pretty shitty thing to be at times. You're never queer enough for many in the queer community, but you're too queer for those who aren't. There is no real safe space outside of a precious few who get it. And I mean few.

Your straight friends talk shit about you "doing this" to be "cool/get attention" or whatever... and they're "relieved" when you're in a hetero-presenting relationship. Your queer friends are happiest when you're with a same-sex partner, and if you're not, they accuse you of lying about who you are or "hiding." It's awesome. You know, instead of just having friends that are fucking happy if you're happy. People CAN BE and ARE attracted to more than one gender and the feelings/love we have toward both are real, valid and do not have to be explained to anyone.

Anyone who follows my MC (and I don't believe Nonny has) knows that Casey has been presented as bisexual from the day I entered this fandom. If some choose to ignore that, that's on them, not me. The fact that she is half of a pairing that is hetero-presenting does not make her any less bisexual. How ignorant are you?

Her profile clearly states she's bi. I've written about her being an activist for LGBTQ rights and about her reluctance about coming out to her parents (because she doesn't believe she should have to "come out," why is straight the default?). I've introduced her ex-girlfriend, Jessica, in fics and text fics, and discussed Casey's identity at length in numerous asks over the years.

So, yes, her current partner is a man, and he ends up being the love of her life. GUESS WHAT! THAT HAPPENS TO BI PEOPLE! And, TRUST, we know the privilege that comes with being in a hetero-presenting relationship. I've never once had someone throw something at me or hurl slurs when I've held a male partner's hand in public, but I've had it happen when my partner is a woman. But no one bi is "suddenly straight" because of it! And asking us to parade as hetero just because we're with an opposite-sex partner is pushing us into a closet - and I'm sorry, but fuck you - because no one belongs there.

Last June, I deliberately avoided all pride-related events in the fandom (NOT in real life). I did so because I was coping with the guilt that is tantamount to being bisexual. The "Should I put it out there. I mean, there are others who are more queer, right? I have no right to do this? Their characters are more important than mine, right?" And yeah, I've felt that way in real life, too. THIS is what it's like being bi. I'm out for decades, I'm comfortable and proud of who I am, I counsel younger people in the community that they are valid - and I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes right now because with all of that, THIS SHIT STILL CREEPS IN - largely because of s-bags like this Nonny.

So you know what, I'm not grappling with it anymore. It's pride month, and in real life, I'm celebrating to the fucking max. And you know what - I'm doing it in the fandom too. Casey is going to be as out and fucking proud as I want her to be, and if it makes your ass uncomfortable, well, that's not my fucking problem.

Re-read your ask, Nonny. The only disgusting person in this exchange is you. Do fucking better.

[kyogre-blue]

Oh believe me it's WORSE (this is at the beginning of part 2, I don't think you'll care but warning you just in case) Lingsha goes "well, why don't you toss him into the sun like we do in the zhuming, there's always ways of killing the unkillable" and for hoolay the answer is "the people he hurt WANT him to suffer" but like...why didn't BLADE try that..........if it's an established practice in the zhuming........which Blade's master is arbiter-general of..............(I can't believe huaiyan is still alive jfc)

I actually really like fantasy politics, even with the xianzhou's bullshit I can just use the yarn to spin it in a way I like in my head, but their unwillingness to paint Jing Yuan in the wrong or unprepared even ONCE never fails to take the enjoyment out of it. The closest it comes is Sword Essence but since hoyo is allergic to their characters having flaws we're never going to really dig into all the ways Jing Yuan feels he has failed Yanqing. Hell, I'd take digging into the ways he feels he failed Dan Feng - I can't believe the fact that Jing Yuan was the one who had to read out the death sentence has never come up so far.

Reflecting upon it, it really says a lot that out of the hcq the one I like most is the one who accidentally created a monstruosity that killed over a thousand people.

lol

I do think politics stories can be interesting, but they're very brain intensive, and making it possible to keep track of who is who and what they all want without requiring the audience to actively keep notes on the side takes some pretty hefty skill from the author. So there's just so much room to do politics badly that it's kinda... hard to feel enthused.

But also I'm suuuuper basic in what kind of storylines I like. I like heroic stories about heroic characters where, maybe it doesn't all work out, but the sentiment and moral stance is important. What you did and felt mattered. The fact that you tried and reach out to help someone made a difference. That kind of thing. If things get too fucked up, I kind of start checking out because I don't see how any of it can be treated or resolved in a way I would find satisfying. Like Dan Feng, there's still no consensus on what actually happened, but he still used the corpse of an emanator, risking the exact consequences he got (or I guess you conspiracy theory that he was set up to a crazy degree, which instead removes the emotional weight of the story in a different way). He killed a hell of a lot of people and drove two of his friends insane. What do you even do with that? It's just "welp, guess that sucks" backstory and that's it.

I guess in a similar way, I find political plots to often devolve into the most petty and pathetic motivations, with a whole bunch of very petty and selfish people, but they have massive, sweeping consequences on a national level, and trying to resolve any of it is a micromanagement nightmare. It just feels stupid. Like Jing Yuan being accused of causing the Arbor to appear, we were there, we know he didn't, the accusations are being made by some faceless entities, so how seriously can you take any of this? And then it's resolved really quickly too, I think. I checked out of that part.

Jing Yuan in general is just... someone who is supposedly powerful, supposedly smart, supposedly morally upright, and he still can't get any shit done AT ALL. He's been serving longer than basically anyone, he should be actively outliving all potential problem makers, and yet his ship is infested with double agents, cultists, who knows what. He left Dan Heng to be raised in prison by people who hated him and sure didn't hide it (at best) and then kicked him out with basically nothing, like, he's lucky Himeko picked him up and not the actual slavers we know exist in the setting. (Dan Heng and Aventurine meet in a slave fighting pit AU, I guess)

Anyway, the Luofu is just soooo frustrating to me, I find it so unpleasant at every turn, and yet everyone completely under-reacts (imo) and we're going to be going back forever...

Kinda hoping that Amphoreus really does last the whole year and we just don't leave the entire time, so we can't be forced back to Luofu. (Well, I'm hoping that now, but who knows what Amphoreus will pull out soon enough.)

[rjmhereunderprotest]

Shocking News: Ubisoft Does What Every Developer Ever Does to get Positive Free Marketing for Upcoming Video Game! Rando CHUD Gamers In an Uproar!

This has been fucking bothering me at this point, okay? So I'm using this opportunity to vent because ignorant stupid people don't know how the gaming industry works and/or are exploiting the fact people don't for clicks. And I'm so fucking sick and tired of this shit at this point so I'm going to rage for a second.

Try not to see this as me defending UbiSoft, fuck them, I have no love for any video game company ever and feel that cheerleading corporations is fucking stupid, either for or against them. But this sudden attack on them is less about actually shitty gaming industry practices that HAVE valid problems associated with them and more about the ridiculous culture war that this Space Wizards IP is trapped in. If this was any other game by UbiSoft no one would care, but it's a Star Wars game, so some idiots do care. Here's the run down.

UbiSoft recently sent previews out to various gaming news websites and major YouTube Gamer Influencers concerning the impending release of "Star Wars: Outlaws." A bunch of them got to go down a private preview event where they got free merch, hung out, played the game for a few hours, that sort of thing. They supposedly even got a trip to Disneyland out of it and a Boat Tour.

Finding out about this, every single right-wing culture warrior on YouTube instantly pounced on this and declared that UbiSoft was bribing people to give good reviews for "Star Wars: Outlaws" to convince people to buy it! Because the game is actually terrible and no one would actually like it on its own merits, and they know its terrible despite not getting to play it because... well... uh... it's Disney-Era Star Wars and that's always bad! Kathleen Kennedy made their wives leave them and shat on their rug! It wasn't them, it was Kathy! She did it! She snuck in during the night and shat on the rug! Then she took their last can of gamer fuel and broke their waifu figurines!

If you must know, the real reason "Star Wars: Outlaws" is in the crosshairs this go around is simple enough. The lead star of the game is a woman you see, a not fair-skinned woman, and people got pissy over this. How dare they not make the most basic ass video game protagonist design for this one game! Brown hair and eyes with four o'clock shadow white dudes are the only heroes that should ever appear in any video game ever, says they. "Why can't you just let us pick our gender?" they cry. You couldn't pick your gender in "Jedi Fallen Order", where was your crying then? Oh? Was the protagonist a dude there? Gee, I wonder why you found Cal Kestis being your only option as a player character okay, but Kay is an awful choice forced onto you?

So Kay Vess being a woman means "Outlaws" must be opposed, must be bad, and therefore must fail in order to stop the horrible scourge of DEI Gaming Development before all our precious white male protagonists are gone forever! Boo hoo! We don't get to play a dude in this one game out of the several dozens that will allow us to! If we don't stop this now, gaming is ruined!

And of course, anyone who plays the game and has something nice to say about it? Well obviously they're corporate shills, who were bribed by Disney to say positive things and there can be no other possible answer. No one can legitimately like a game that has a g-g-g-g-girl as the lead character! That's insane! And to prove how not sexist they are they'll list all the female characters they actually like in games, mostly all the ones that make their peepee hard.

They even went after GManLives, a respected independent gaming critic, just because he apparently played and liked the game. And they're still going after him even after he took the video down because he didn't want to deal with that shit. Accusing him of selling out his principles for a trip to Disneyland.

It's ridiculous and not just because it's a bunch of people complaining about a video game that isn't even out yet and hasn't been properly reviews. It's because critics and influencers getting special perks and shit for previewing games is nothing new. It's been going on forever.

Publishers of video games want to maximize their chances of getting good reviews. But they don't bribe people for them. They try to butter them up a little by inviting them to big marketing events, but that's just standard. You always try to give the people looking at your product a good time. Especially if they are critics with the power to sell it for you for free.

What they generally do is promise you exclusive coverage, behind the scenes details, access to developers, hands-on demos, interviews with the cast, inside information. And they provide it to the critics and influencers first who they feel will best promote and be favorable to their product at no extra cost to them.

If you decide to not be fair or NOT provide positive feedback, well then next go around they won't invite you to the big marketing event party. They won't give you hands-on demons. They won't get you access to developers or the cast. It's a major misbalance of power, but it's been a thing in gaming since forever. Nothing "Outlaws" is doing in the lead up to its release is that different.

And no one is actually hiding this anyway. Gaming websites and the influencers in questions regularly admit they were provided these previews by the publisher or developer of the game. That they were invited to check it out directly. That this is a preview that they scored under the watchful eye and with permission by the developer. They admit to the sponsorship element of what is essentially a commercial advertising something. They can't be too harsh or they won't get invited back, but they also won't withhold criticism if they find fault in something. In fact, sometimes to convince people they're not being too positive, they will force themselves to say something negative in some way to prove they aren't biased. It's usually something extremely subjective concerning the article writer's or content creator's personal taste.

Being driven out to Disneyland or given a boat tour aren't what I'd call major bribes. They're at best, the company trying to cozy up to an interviewer or influencer in order to keep them in a good mood and retain positive feedback. It's about maintain the relationship between their halves of the industry, putting on a show, treating the guys who help you sell your games right. Is it a problem? Oh yes, it very much is, it makes a lot of gaming web sites rather unreliable given how they'll go softer on a game to retain that relationship. But it is nothing new and Outlaws hasn't been the first game to do it, nor will it be the last.

And all the same, if the positive feedback as that consistent overall, it's not because they were bribed to say it. It's because they genuinely enjoyed the slice of game they were given and allowed to play around in. Even then, in those positive looks, I noticed complaints about this or that, minor quibbles, about what I'd expect from a preview event that went well but isn't ready to call it just yet.

My opinions on UbiSoft are fairly simple, they make some pretty good games overall. But they're still a gaming company, and that comes with a lot of baggage. Especially given Ubi's recent sexual harassments scandals and poor working conditions. They're not special and deserve to get ripped open when deserved. But not for letting a bunch of influencers run around an organized event where they got to play a game, get a plushie alien salamander and then run off to Disneyland when they were done. Because that's not a UbiSoft problem, that's an industry problem and one not easily solved. If you're a major gaming company, is it wise to keep giving exclusive peeks into your stuff if the news site was unfair to you? That's money better spent on someone who doesn't have an axe to grind. And gamers can hold grudges worse than anyone. I should know, I'm a gamer. I tend to hold a grudge.

Everything I've seen so far about "Star Wars: Outlaws" suggests it is, at the very least, a solid open world action game with UbiSoft and its stable of developers is fairly good at creating. And Massive Entertainment, the developer, has made some of my favorite games in the past. I believe Outlaws will be good, nothing I've seen suggests it's a bad title, let alone a bad entry in the Star Wars brand. I just don't see the justifiable reason to cry foul play here. This isn't like "Suicide Squad: Kill the Justice League" where the red flags are obvious from the word go. This isn't even head-tiltingly worrisome like Cyberpunk 2077, which kept getting delayed and delayed and problems were apparent even in preview builds that news sites raised eyebrows over. Nothing Outlaws has done suggests this impending disaster. At worst, it will be a fairly okay game, but nothing that's going to completely collapse a company under the weight of its failure.

But that's not the point. This isn't about any of that. It's about a stupid culture war and it's pissing me off how some idiots are pretending they have anything legitimate to complain about. Fuck, if they thought they could get more money out of it, they'd all be lining up to go to Disneyland for Free and take a boat tour themselves. But they're pathetic, loser, dipshit little fuckwits who can't cut it as real journalists. Because then they'd have to actually fucking do real work instead of shitting out 12 videos about how Brie Larson is evil incarnate in a day.

And at this point, I'm seriously rethinking my plans here. I was intending to get Outlaws at a reduced price through some Microsoft Rewards points. But now I'm not so sure. Maybe I should just pay for most of the game or something, if only to piss off the fucking CHUDs who want to convince me it will be a horrible failure. But I don't like the idea of playing the Capitalist Cheerleading game just to own some fucking douchebags on the internet. So I'm not sure at this point. I know I don't like playing $90 for a fucking video game. Wish they'd complain more about the increase in prices for Triple A titles than bitching about Girls existing in their Space Wizards Media.

Fuck it, I don't know what I'm gonna do at this point. I just know that stupid people are given way too many platforms these days to spew stupid shit and no one calls them out on it. It's fucking infuriating. Pre-Order or don't to your heart's content folks, stop listening to fucking idiots on the internet.

[illegiblewords]

Heavy stuff, venting.

I'm having a really, really awful time right now and it just sucks a lot. Things have been tough offline on a lot of levels lately. I don't share much of my creative stuff with people IRL, but it's one of the things that can give me a lot of joy through the day even when things are hard. Creative stuff can mean stories, or designs, or analysis. Even just poking around seeing what other people have done will cheer me up. I've been taking a break from FFXIV for a bit. I didn't play the most recent patch or holiday stuff. Some of the pacing and directions feel like missed opportunities. I might try again in Dawntrail but at this moment I'm taking a break to do BG3 for a bit. I've been interested in DnD for years, and I actually have a million ideas and things I find exciting tied to the Forgotten Realms. Haven't gotten to do more than the very beginning of a campaign because schedule hell but I'd really love to. BG3 has been a chance for me to actually interact with the world on my own terms a bit and it's been a big source of joy for me lately. And I love that Larian put as much thought and layering for the characters psychologically, overall. I love that they generally haven't shied away from stuff either. If I try to look at tags for say, Gale though? Mostly instead of other people making things, I've been getting people who are absolutely furious about how devs talked in a recent interview. I've dealt with characters I love to bits being treated in horrifying ways before. People who were with me when I did Spidey stuff will probably remember some of it. Shit was genuinely incredibly upsetting. I don't think the things people are mad at Larian about are intentional by Larian in the way they're being interpreted. I think this could probably be resolved just by explaining concerns assuming it was unintentional, without rage or accusation. They seem to really care about their fans and given the story told I think they care about their own characters too. Business bits aside. I haven't talked about any of this on tumblr or twitter because like... right now people seem to be a kind of angry where if you aren't angry the way they are, then fuck you you piece of shit basically. But if I'm just trying to make things, or find other people making things, or do analysis? I've just been wading through the anger from other people. It's more stress when I just don't need it. I've tried to find BG3 or DnD discords. I haven't found one for BG3. The DnD ones, I think there's a combination of them being kind of dead and... not really a place for what I do or how I talk. I have two homebrew monsters and a homebrew item I'd love to keep refining but I have no idea how stats work, and I can only really go so far on my own not having done a campaign in any way. Someone suggested I make my own discord community, and I could try, but idk if anyone else would be interested and being in-charge makes me anxious. Same time I'd be really nervous about whether discords run by other people are chill. I desperately, desperately want to avoid drama.

And stupidly I went to the official forums for lack of knowing where else to go. I was surprised that people were nice initially but one person came in and has been making weird personal attacks, backhanded compliments, talking like they're the authority on all things (lore, morality, storytelling as a whole). If you have a different opinion you are wrong and a bad person and stupid too. I genuinely think this person might be a narcissist and they are setting off every possible warning bell with me. Like I'm actually freaked out by how out of touch with reality they are. This person is making shit up that was never discussed, gaslighting like crazy, twisting words, and going into rages claiming I went nuclear when my whole point was 'why the fuck are you being mean to me and trying to boss me around???' I was very much not happy with the person but I was fucking careful not to insult them. And now I think this person doesn't want to leave me the hell alone. And like, I straight up said I don't want to talk to them further. When the user had a MASSIVE GODDAMN TANTRUM full of personal insults and accusations, I didn't reply. I thanked one other person in the forum for mentioning they read the message as hostile too, mentioned my 'leave me alone' message wasn't taken in its intended spirit, and touched briefly on why the accusations hit a particular sore spot. Then I apologized for derailing and switched to discuss character interpretations again.

Lunatic is like 'oh these replies to my message are so interesting, I'm going to answer you all once the website stops glitching'. And I swear to fuck I can hear the strings from Psycho going off.

I don't really trust that forum moderators will intervene. It's been a whole day since my first attempt to report, when the initial message happened. The second message was much worse. I generally don't trust people to take it seriously if harassment like that is happening. My assumption is if it's criminal I need to go to the police but otherwise like... no one is watching out for shit. And there is no block system on those forums.

I AM JUST TRYING TO MAKE CRAP MAN. I CARE ABOUT THE CHARACTERS. I CARE ABOUT AND INTERPRET CHARACTERS IN A WAY NOT EVERYONE ELSE DOES. I DON'T NEED PEOPLE TO AGREE BUT FOR FUCK'S SAKE LET ME MAKE AND TALK ABOUT SHIT IN PEACE. If I touch on a heavy topic, it's because I think it's warranted or adds a layer to the narrative that explains things or otherwise makes sense. I'm going to navigate heavy topics with care and empathy because I am very aware people get seriously hurt by that shit, a LOT of creators are actively cruel to victims, and! I love the characters! People are allowed to tell stories that cover the darker parts of human experience, not just the ones a single specific person approves of! And if you don't fucking like how someone else interprets or makes shit, DON'T READ IT AND MAKE YOUR OWN CRAP.

This was probably horrible interneting in the sense that I shouldn't have replied at all, but what the everloving fuck. How do you go up to random strangers and lead with condescension like that? How do you go through life just assuming everyone different from you has something wrong with them? EDIT: Person has escalated. Not sure what to do. Have reported a lot but no action yet. FURTHER EDIT: Mod showed up and said 'people are allowed to disagree, be nice, there's a hidden ignore button on a separate webpage'. The personal attacks are allowed to stand and TOS seem to be meaningless. Another user pointed out that the lunatic had been recognized as aggressive by two people and that my analysis wasn't unreasonable or uncommon even if they didn't subscribe themselves. Person private messaged with me and was pretty reassuring. I'm just on the page of 'fuck those forums I am never coming back' at this point, with the added understanding that if I tried to talk again at all the lunatic would 5000% continue trying to harass me. I just hope they get distracted and move on/forget basically. Fuck that shit.

[tea-and-secrets]

a popular person i know that's in a medium fandom i'm in recently started using a character i like as a persona and internally, i'm fucking devastated because i KNOW if i start using the character i chose as a sona more often (i've already posted something about it long before her sudden change into that character), i'll get accused of being an unoriginal, plagiarizing fuck, and i do NOT want to deal with that shit and ESPECIALLY not from her friends/mutuals. and i'm so pissed off because that character (or the alternate form of that character that i'm using) is LITERALLY so me in every conceivable way and SUDDENLY, out of the ASSCRACK OF BUMFUCK NOWHERE, I CAN'T USE IT; ALL BECAUSE SOME Q-LIST CELEBRITY GOT TO IT FIRST. I JUST. UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

(as i'm writing this, i realize that this is a stupid thing to be upset about. people are dying, and i'm bitching and whining over a character. i get it! i'm self-aware enough to know that this is dumb! unfortunately, i'm not self-aware enough to know how to stop being upset about it. for now, i just need a place to get these thoughts out of my system. thank you, blog mod and anyone else that's read this, for giving me an outlet to do so.)

.

[mermaidsirennikita]

Is it just me or is drama with book authors getting wilder (and more stupid) in the past few years because why the fuck did I see someone tried to copyright the sun??

I don't know if it's getting wilder or if it's just easier for us to know about it because of social media?

Like, I always think one of the WILDEST dramas ever was when Janet Dailey plagiarized Nora Roberts--and romance readers today were too young to really experience it in real time, and even those who did couldn't benefit from the rapid fire experience of social media.

Nora has discussed it a few times, but I think her interview on Fated Mates really speaks to how she (understandably) still ISN'T. OVER IT. "I wanted her blood in my mouth" that is a WRITER LADIES!!!!

But it was truly insane that someone as successful as Janet--because she was very successful, she's written some really well-regarded books, she was very much a mainstay with the biggest romance publishers of the time and had a loyal readership--plagiarized Nora. Who, I believe, came after her. And the way she tried to deal with it (I think she blamed it on her dog dying initially) was also insane.

I think these "industries" based in creative work are so prone to high octane drama. Not because we're creatives, but because there is a level of personal investment that adds to the sense of... pain? When we're wronged. In Nora's case, that was genuinely a fucked up thing professionally, it could've hurt her career--but it was also a personally agonizing moment because Janet stole work that was important to her.

Also, someone tried to plagiarized Nora and Sarah MacLean among other authors in one fell swoop more recently, which. The potential financial consequences alone make that CRAZY and stupid. Nora is... so fucking rich, y'all. Lol. Like Nora could probably sue the average person off the face of the planet. I would probably shit my pants if Nora accused me of plagiarism. The idea of someone doing it today, when she's at her full power... woof.

Lauren's situation wasn't really that she tried to copyright it, lol, it's that she was acting like her very basic story, which was incredibly poorly written by the way based off the samples she posted online, had something unique going on because her character had sun powers and was black. (For the record.... Lauren is white. This will be even more relevant in a moment.) Never mind the fact that you can't copyright the sun; there is literally nothing unique about sun powers, and we literally just had a book adaptation TV show wherein the lead had sunpowers. And was called the SUN SUMMONER.

But the other thing I found disturbing about her claims was that her characters basically get sent to another time (the 1800s, I believe) to experience... slavery. As black people with incredible sun powers. Like, one of the samples has the lead getting whipped across her arm (and reacting it not the way anyone would react to being whipped unexpectedly, by the way). I don't know a world in which that works as a concept, tbh, but it especially doesn't work when a white person is writing it. Imo, Lauren did this as an attention grab because she has a blue check and could profit off the attention.

I was recently reliving one of the dumbest book controversies of semi-recent (five years ago, gag) history with the whole "Tomi Adeyemi accused Nora Roberts of plagiarizing her book title for publicity when a) Nora is a much bigger deal than Tomi as a published author b) you can't plagiarize a title c) Nora had turned her book and had it titled a year before Tomi's book came out.

I actually liked Tomi's first book, though I'll admit I remember zero about it... but that whole incident so turned me off her. And now she's getting an adaptation with a director I really like and I'm just like......... dilemmas.

(But she's also taken forever to get that last book dropped so I'm really curious about where all this ultimately ends up.)

[kmclaude]

How much do you want your own unique personality to come through in the art that you make? How much do you want people to separate your art from the artist?

Can anyone separate the art from the artist? And if so, when?

Take J. K. Rowling -- fucking cunt. Absolute shithead. Singlehandedly lit on fire all goodwill and went right to goose-stepping. Regardless of how intrinsically linked Harry Potter was to my childhood and adolescence (and to me creating online! Literally!) like...her as a human being actively championing destruction of trans rights not just sours the media for me, it makes it radioactive to me. It cannot be separated. She is shit and as such her art reeks of it.

...but then again she has literally stated that support of her art is support of her views (she's already made her money anyway) so is it her attitude? Would it be different if she was a shit human being who didn't actively link artistic support to moral support? Is attitude all that makes it separable? Would it be different if she didn't profit (and at this point again she's made her money -- it's about the same as if she were dead and not making money, you know? Drop in a bucket.) Would it be separable then? Would I be just as hard pressed to separate her the artist from her art if she were Joanne, just Joanne, self publishing and writing blog posts and making a wee side hustle?

(Would I be just as hard pressed to separate art and artist if her views and shitfuckery didn't directly impact me, a filthy little transsexual?)

Not to get all philosophical. I just tend to sometimes ask myself this. Hell, listening to Marilyn Manson's been kinda hard to do post the latest accusations -- yet I can listen to some of the earlier stuff that really just SLAPS -- and is it because besides Pale Emperor, most of the albums past Holywood bar some songs just don't do it for me? Is it because it's hard to reconcile the artist whose art meant a lot to a weirdo like me and who became the face of a witch hunt because of his art (which means a lot to an artist like me) WITH the person who allegedly was basically telling on himself with his art? Is it a sense of personal betrayal (its own bit of parasocial relationship) that causes the separation?

And of course this is all with the assumption of separating art from artist purely as a "this guy sucks ass but I like what they make, how do I cope" POV but obviously there is the general idea of Death of the Author which your question seems more geared on: how much of my corpse should influence, if at all, a reader's reading of my corpus?

So back to your question -- some of my art (think diary comics for example as they're autobiographical) you really could not separate from me the artist. You couldn't. It's impossible given the nature of autobiographical works. Who I am, who I was, what my intent is -- very much intertwined there. At the same time, there is the room and space to separate out the autobiographical art as a pinpoint in time for the artist from the artist as a living being, ever changing in spacetime.

Most of my work...you could, I think, separate art from the artist. I'd encourage it in the sense that like...it'd be foolish to read into many of my comics or illustrations and think they are 1:1 expressions of me, my feelings, my experiences, etc. I think of it like the speaker of a poem vs the poet -- this is like basic English Lit class concepts, right? The speaker is not the poet. The artist is not the character. It'd be actually dangerous (and stupid) to scour my works, my illustrations, my writing, and try to make assumptions on me; I also think it'd be rather punishing for all involved to desperately need a listing of my pedigree, my biography, the minutiae of my intent to be able to interpret my works. They can stand pretty OK on their own; their neck muscles are firm enough to hold their head upright.

But...at the same time... my person informs my work. My intent informs my work (whether I succeed or fail at what I intend is another matter.) The works did not form fully grown from the ether onto your computer screen. They came from a person, me, about whom you (general you -- you specifically Idal know a bit more about me by virtue of our friendship) know some tidbits of information I've given here and there. These things inform it all. Those bits of information may be relevant in your interpretation; they may not be.

That's all intent however. In terms of my personality coming through: I think all artists' personalities come through in a work. Something of it. Maybe it's the character they play -- but even that is telling. There are people who write my characters better than I, and with their writing they leave a part of their personality in the words; likewise, there are people who draw my characters better than I and leave part of themselves in the linework. Those works imbue a part of their creators in them, even if my work (with part of me in it) provided the dolls to play house.

[moedollita]

pet peeve

sorry this post just turns into insane ranting garble i start sounding like im 12 , theres nothing of substance to read

this is something insanely stupid and even hypocritical of me to get annoyed at , but i absolutely cannot stand it when people online pretend like they're more mentally ill than they are . i hate when people put some sort of mental illness wordsalad in their bios like ' jirai ' , ' landmine girl ' , ' menhera ' i hate when people obviously try to act like ame / kangel after playing NSO or some other fictional character when they were absolutely nothing like them before . they practically brag about being mentally ill and then only showcase the same 5 symptoms that are insanely fetishized and none of the 100 others that aren't as ' cute ' . it makes me lose my mind . it feels like such a disgusting mockery it makes me want to rip my skin open . i cant stand even imagining anyone could see these shitty obvious yandere larp posts and put op on the same level as someone whos actually struggling . just this unbridled rage festers inside of me you dont know what its like stop fucking quoting anime characters so you can achieve some aesthetic go fuck yourself

i hate it because i hate myself and i hate the things i do , witnessing someone grift on the KAWAII DESU symptoms while im on a private twitter account typing the most disgusting unforgivable things i can possibly conjure up about the people i love because of how angry i feel over something so idiotically , stupidly minuscule like an actual fucking child . i cant make a single friend in my life because im genuinely so terrified of people and their intentions with me that when i somehow make a friend i genuinely think that they're only playing some long con because they want to ruin my life . im so lonely but i legitimately cannot handle having friends because they can say ANYTHING and my mind will twist it to some insane act of pure hatred against me and then my hands are shaking and i cant focus on anything for the next few hours and i cant stop crying and cutting myself and im planning extensively how to tell them i cant be friends with them because i just cant take it anymore and oh nevermind suddenly im fine again . but at the same time if someones too nice all the time my fucking brain will start losing interest in them because apparently i NEED them to pull away from me and be a fucking asshole to me because im some sort of insane emotional masochist !!! i cant speak my mind with anyone even if they're obviously in the wrong and being mean to me when ive done nothing because i just know they're going to leave if i reciprocate with any sort of pushback so i just ghost them instead which makes the situation even more complicated or i have some sort of tantrum where i accuse them of the most schizotypal shit instead of actually discussing it like a normal person . its actually indescribable how embarassing it is to retain that " my parents didnt buy me candy so they hate me " mindset from when i was 8 years old all the way until 15 . and everything with me has to be some sort of extreme . i cant even like something normally i have to be obsessed with it to an emotionally deteriorating degree . i cant feel somewhat bad about something it had to feel like my world is ending and that ill never be happy again . why am i fucking feeling like this because of the sub count of a VTUBER . and then all of life is just a cycle of yearning for shit and feeling bad for myself " why cant i do this why cant i be better at this you can either be bad or a prodigy and im not a prodigy and i dont care if im 15 i need to be better than 28 year olds at this or else im a total fucking failure " and i fucking bet you if i would ever reach that prodigy status i would feel absolutely nothing about it and my brain would latch unto the next thing to feel bad about " ok well im not good at * that * i need to be good at * that * it doesnt matter if im good at * this * anyone can be good at * this * i need to be good as * that * as well " . it is legitimately either all or nothing with me and i cant stand either of those options . i hate feeling empty and i hate being obsessed with someone to the point of emotional spiraling 5 times a day but there can never be an inbetween option . im intensely angry about everything

and the most insanely retarded part about all of this , is that given the choice i wouldnt want to get better . this is all that i am . i am nothing without this disorder . if i dont have this disorder nobody will care about me or be gentle with me anymore . i will forever mentally be a child that only wants someone to take care of them and if i dont have this disorder there will be nothing to take care of . nobody will care . but heres the kicker ; nobody cares already . strangers are gentle with me because i have a sad look in my eyes but thats all there is . i just cant bring myself to actually talk about what i go through . all anyone sees is that im energetic and then suddenly sad within an single second interval or that i just stare ahead at shit like a zoo animal or that i cut myself sometimes . i cant even fully bring up and elaborate on extremely heavy topics that i go through on twitter or on this blog because it feels so wrong to imagine someone connecting something as dark as that with * me * . i want attention but i dont talk about shit . i dont want to talk about shit . i already utterly despise seeing the look people get in their faces when they somehow catch a glimpse at my sh scars or for gods sake fucking mentions it to me " dont do that to yourself " please dont worry about me and make me feel like a horrible burden when im trying my hardest to seem okay so i can be an enjoyable person to be around . having a person worried about someone as disgustingly rotted , parasitic and inhuman as me is the worst thing to inflect on someone , its like feeling bad for a dying cockroach . i mean just read the first part of this ramble to see how shitty of a person i am where i exaggerate my symptoms to make myself look like i suffer more than other people and put down anyone who dares to express their symptoms differently